 There’s no point, I just think it’s a good idea for a tee-shirt. 

 No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

 I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

 If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

 No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

 Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.

 Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

 Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

 If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.

 Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”

 In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

 That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 

 Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

 Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

 It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

 Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 

 Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?

 Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

 Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

 Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.

 You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

 Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

 It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.

 They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.

 I don’t know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you’re a veritable Mack Daddy.

 Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.

 Don’t take it personally, it’s his pathology, he can’t talk to women.

 Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 

 In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

 Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.

 Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

 Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

 You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

 No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?

 A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 

 This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

 Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

 Penny, I just want you to know that, you don’t have to live like this. I’m here for you.

 I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

 Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

 I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.

 Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.

 Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.

 I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet.

 And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.

 Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!

 Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

 Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.

 I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.

 Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy. 

 And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing. 

 I’m a rogue knight elf, don’t you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”

 Don’t forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you’d have an excuse to talk to her.

 Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.

 Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again.

 Well, I don’t think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Lesley Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability. 

 That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?

 Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?

 Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don’t know if I can take it. 

 If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.

 Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

 Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 

 No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 

 No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

 Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 

 Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

 Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

 Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

 It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

 Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.

 Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.

 No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.

 At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

 How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

 Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.

 A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.

 In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”

 I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

 I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.

 Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

 Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

 I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds. 

 No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 

 Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

 No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

 Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.

 Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.

 No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.

 Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

 No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 

 Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 

 Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time.

 Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

 Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

 Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?

 I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference. 

 Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.

 I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

 That’s just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich. 

 I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

 This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 

 Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.

 Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 

 It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 

 I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

 Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.

 Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out. 

 I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me. 

 I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here. 

 Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 

 Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

 Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable. 

 You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 

 Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

 Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 

 Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 

 I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 

 Hi, Leonard. It’s me, Sheldon. In the living room. I just, I wanted you to know I saw the tie. Message received. You’re welcome. You carry on. Give my best to Lesley. 

 Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 

 Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 

 Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse. 

 Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

 I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger. 

 Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 

 Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 

 Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

 You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 

 Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah blah.

 You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 

 No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 

 Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.

 I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 

 Well, there’s nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting. 

 Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

 Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer. 

 I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 

 And that’s the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.

 Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 

 Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

 Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage. 

 Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 

 What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 

 Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 

 And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 

 Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?

 Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 

 Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash. 

 Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless. 

 Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. 

 Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?

 If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

 Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.

 You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?

 And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it’s 8:13 and we’re still not playing Halo. 

 One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!

 Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 

 This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

 Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

 Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on!

 Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 

 And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

 It’s called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it. 

 Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 

 So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 

 He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 

 Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 

 It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

 Yes. If you use my toothbrush I’ll jump out that window. Please don’t come to my funeral. Have a good night. 

 Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who. 

 Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

 Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother’s Day. 

 Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.

 Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again.

 Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 

 Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem?

 Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 

 Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 

 Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 

 He’s putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that’s punishable by death.

 No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree. 

 And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 

 Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 

 Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 

 Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

 It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

 The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.

 No, I’m going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems. 

 The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare. 

 It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It’s right here under Batman’s signature.

 If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.

 It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession. 

 Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.

 Understandable, but there’s a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.

 Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours. 

 A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

 Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

 When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly. 

 That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?

 Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

 You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 

 The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 

 It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. 

 Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom. 

 And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 

 We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 

 No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet. 

 Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off. 

 Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 

 Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be. 

 Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. 

 No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 

 I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 

 No, once again, I’m throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome. 

 Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

 Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 

 A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

 Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 

 And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me. 

 Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!

 Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?

 No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 

 As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 

 Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 

 Oh we’ll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.

 I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you. 

 Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for. 

 Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I’m like a flamingo on Ritalin. 

 Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?

 I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).

 I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot. 

 And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

 So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 

 No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago. 

 Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.

 I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

 When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. 

 I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

 Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. 

 Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.

 Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

 She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 

 Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 

 Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 

 Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 

 Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 

 Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

 No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.

 We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

 Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

 For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

 That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 

 Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.

 It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner. 

 No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy.

 No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie. 

 Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

 You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

 Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I’m just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We’ll talk in the morning.

 Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

 For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 

 I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT.

 Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.

 No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

 Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

 Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 

 But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour.

 How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group. 

 He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

 Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. 

 From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here. 

 I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?

 Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose. 

 I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.

 Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 

 We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 

 When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 

 I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.

 Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 

 You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 

 Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?

 I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 

 Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.

 Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?

 Then surprise me. (Blows nose into handkerchief. Shows it to next table) Would you call that moss green or forest green? 

 Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.

 No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 

 No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 

 It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”

 Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”

 I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 

 Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.

 Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.

 Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

 Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end.

 You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 

 Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 

 You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 

 Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.

 Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. 

 Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 

 Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. 

 But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.

 What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.

 Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?

 No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?

 Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?

 If you’re concerned about sharing credit with me, you’re name can go first… I’m going. 

 Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.

 Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 

 Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.

 And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 

 Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.

 No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting.

 Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 

 You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 

 Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, can’t you.

 Hey, Howard. You’re a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it’s definitely me. 

 Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it’s an extremely private matter.

 You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 

 By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.

 I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.

 Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant. 

 Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 

 By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.  

 What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

 The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 

 Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury. 

 Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold. 

 Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 

 Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?

 I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

 Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?

 Yes, well, I’m polymerised tree sap and you’re non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you. 

 Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?

 Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.

 Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!

 That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 

 Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on wholewheat. It’s the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash. 

 I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia. 

 Need you ask? But I still don’t understand why no-one else bid. 

 In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets “no longer want my time machine” and “need $800”.

 I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that? 

 It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.

 Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 

 The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy. 

 Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here. 

 Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine. 

 Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 

 But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up. 

 Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.

 If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.

 It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp. 

 So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?

 You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 

 Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 

 Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…

 I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

 In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 

 Well of course they’re movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That’s absurd. 

 Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen. 

 I’ll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is. 

 Little Miss “grown ups don’t play with toys”. If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty! 

 Oh no, Morlocks? Eat him, eat him. Aaaaargh. (Sheldon wakes up in his own bed.) Leonard!!!!!!!!

 Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.

 Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you’ve already met Howard. 

 She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.

 How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer? 

 The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.

 They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.

 I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits. 

 Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical. 

 Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.

 Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 

 That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about. 

 Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence. 

 Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 

 What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.

 I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 

 So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 

 You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. 

 Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister. 

 It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie. 

 Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister. 

 In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.

 This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 

 Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 

 Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   

 Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.

 Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 

 That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 

 Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

 Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 

 I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 

 You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins. 

 Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory. 

 Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)

 My God! Why don’t you just tell them I’m a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating. 

 We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf.

 For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum. 

 It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 

 It was obviously effective, Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she’d also denied him Christmas he’d be a little better at it. 

 What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 

 I hardly think so, Leonard made it very clear he doesn’t want a party.

 I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 

 Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 

 Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 

 You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.

 Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.

 The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators. 

 Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? 

 Question, how am I going to get Leonard a present before the party? I don’t drive, and the only things available within walking distance are a Thai restaurant and a gas station. I suppose I could wrap up an order of mee krob and a couple of lottery scratchers. 

 Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner. 

 Something he wouldn’t buy for himself. Something fun. Something like… oh, an 802.11n wireless router. 

 Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 

 On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 

 Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 

 No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender.

 Not now, Penny, this poor man needs me. (To woman approaching) You hold on, I’ll be right with you. What computer do you have, and please don’t say a white one?

 That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.

 How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 

 I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them. 

 Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centred in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk. 

 I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.

 Twelfth century code of chivalry, not exactly current. You’d also have to be knighted for that to apply. 

 Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 

 Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)

 Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 

 Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 

 There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

 No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 

 A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 

 Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 

 The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 

 I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 

 Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.

 No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…

 Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 

 Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.

 Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 

 No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger…

 I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

 A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 

 Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 

 You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 

 Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 

 Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?

 You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. (Your monkey sleeps inside me.) 

 They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing. 

 Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. 

 Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement. 

 Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates. 

 Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? 

 I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. 

 Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. 

 Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. 

 Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. 

 You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? 

 Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. 

 Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. 

 So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

 Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? 

 Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) 

 Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.

 I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. 

 Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) 

 There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.

 Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.

 I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. 

 Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.

 Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. 

 It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. 

 Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? 

 Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

 I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. 

 I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo. 

 Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. Obviously you’re not that familiar with Indian cinema. 

 No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. 

 Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. 

 That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

 I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.

 But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….

 Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. 

 Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. 

 I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don’t worry, that’s not a secret. Everybody knows. 

 It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine.

 Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.

 Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!”

 Renaissance fair? More of a medieval slash age of enlightenment slash any excuse to wear a codpiece fair.

 That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

 Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary, the word plenty has been redefined to mean two.

 Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me.

 Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go do work that promises significant results, as opposed to what you do, which does not. Yeah, you heard me.

 You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school.

 But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

 Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.

 Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.

 Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

 I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.

 What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

 Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

 Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.

 Everybody has a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing, I’m just enabling you.

 I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.

 If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

 It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with.

 Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?

 Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?

 I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?

 Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

 Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

 Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.

 Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

 Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

 Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.

 Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.

 I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.

 That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.

 You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?

 Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) 

 Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.

 You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?

 Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….

 Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

 I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.

 And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?

 There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

 AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.

 Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.

 You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.

 Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.

 They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.

 You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

 You’re going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.

 I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

 Of course it’s not, you’re only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.

 I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.

 Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

 If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!

 Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…

 Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I?

 Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.

 I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.

 I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

 Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.

 Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

 Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

 Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)

 So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?

 These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.

 You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

 Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.

 Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

 Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

 Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

 I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.

 Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.

 But wouldn’t you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.

 I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.

 Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

 I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

 Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?

 Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.

 How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

 Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.

 He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?

 Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.) 

 There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

 A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?

 Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.

 Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

 Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.

 That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

 No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.

 While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.

 Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

 My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.

 That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.

 Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested.

 Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

 Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.

 I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

 I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

 Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!

 Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.

 I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.

 Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on.

 Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.

 Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

 If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.

 Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!

 Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

 Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?

 The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?

 Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

 All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.

 Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.

 Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?

 Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.

 She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot.

 Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem.

 Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.

 Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure.

 How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

 But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.

 Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?

 Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.

 You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?

 I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.

 No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)

 Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.

 I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.

 Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?

 Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.

 Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.

 No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.

 You saw nothing! (Sweeps hood around himself and vanishes through cafeteria door.)

 In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make any significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? Of course not. I weep for the future of science. Now if you’ll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard.

 The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

 The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.

 I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.

 Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

 That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

 Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?

 Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

 Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.

 You don’t tackle the big issues, Ramona. You fence with them. En garde. Riposte.

 Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.

 He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?

 I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it.

 Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.

 I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

 Um… she distracted me. I told you, Penny, I don’t have time for your nonsense, I have important things to do.

 It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…

 It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?

 Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

 All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.

 All right, pencils down! I have lokh, makh, and cherrrkh. Anybody got those?

 Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?

 You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.

 You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

 March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.

 I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two.

 And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

 Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.

 No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong, the entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.

 Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 You can’t do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.

 Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?

 You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?

 When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!

 Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

 I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things.

 Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me?

 Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.

 It’s very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.

 Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment.

 Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.

 No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.

 Really? They don’t let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?

 Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.

 I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

 Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

 Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private.

 So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?

 If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?

 This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.

 Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

 I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.

 Look I’m sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I’m out.

 It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?

 All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.

 Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?

 Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.

 Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.

 Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.

 Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.

 You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

 Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

 And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us.

 You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

 Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

 Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?

 I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

 Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

 No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.

 Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.

 I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.

 To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.

 You’re Kirk, I’m Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed, and now we’ve got McCoy.

 Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

 We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.

 It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up. Wait here, I’ll find us seats.

 My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?

 This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?

 Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

 I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.

 It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.

 I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

 She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

 Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

 It’s not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

 More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.

 Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?

 So, that’s all you’ve got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?

 I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

 I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.

 I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

 When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

 Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.

 No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.)

 Just for the record, my efforts to establish you as the alpha male were not aided by you bursting into tears.

 She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.

 Well, you seem like a perfectly pleasant person. I just can’t understand why women have such a hard time loving you.

 Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

 If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.

 Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound.

 Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church.

 It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

 How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

 Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

 Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

 That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

 I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

 Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

 At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

 Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

 I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

 Really? I have never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

 Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

 Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.

 My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

 Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

 I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.

 Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner before he left the Bottle.

 So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.

 It is a big whoop. It made almost all the work you’ve done since you’ve been here completely useless.

 It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.

 No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.

 In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.

 Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation.

 Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

 No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps.

 No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life. I’m going to need a ride to the mall.

 No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?

 If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

 Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?

 You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress.

 It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.

 Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.

 I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.

 Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

 Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.

 Yeah, this is an auspicious moment. Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.

 I’m sorry, are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?

 Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you’re the one who’s peculiar.

 Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.

 Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.

 We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.

 You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared.

 Have faith, gentlemen. We don’t need Wolowitz, engineering is merely the slow younger brother of physics. Watch and learn. Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

 No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.

 What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.

 Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met.

 Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new.

 I did this. Monte was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.

 You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.

 First off, that is axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant…

 Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

 It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the Cocoa Bean, from which we get chocolate, the best pudding. And you promised you wouldn’t do that anymore!

 Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.

 Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!

 Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?

 It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

 Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

 I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.

 Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.

 Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.

 You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C.

 There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.

 Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.

 What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

 The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

 The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.

 You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.

 Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.

 Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?

 Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends.

 See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo.

 It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.

 Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.

 Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.

 This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.

 Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?

 Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.

 Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.

 Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

 What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

 Well, it’s not exactly a plan but I think I’m going to pass out.

 Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner.

 Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

 Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.

 Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.

 Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.

 Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?

 So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.

 I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?

 Oh. This entire endeavour seems to have been an exercise in futility. Raj, you’re back in. He likes monkeys.

 Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

 They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.

 Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work.

 He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

 Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

 If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.

 You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

 Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.

 My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.

 I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

 Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?

 Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.

 The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.

 Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet.

 I’m at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions and see if there’s a blunder I overlooked.

 Forgive me, Penny, but that would be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.

 In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I’ve moved my money out of the snake can.

 Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

 All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.

 Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.

 I’ve got it. He didn’t remember me because the last time we met I was in a Halloween costume.

 Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.

 That’s your badge of honour, your warrior’s wound, if you will. I was wrong, minstrels will write songs about you.

 This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.

 He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

 I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

 You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.

 You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.

 Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.

 It’s totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it’s location, location, location.

 I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.

 My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.

 It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.

 What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?

 Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together.

 I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.

 The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.

 I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.

 All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.

 Because you chose your mother’s veins over victory. On three. One, two, three, go!

 Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don’t simply let some of you go so that there’s money available for my research.

 Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.

 I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.

 No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat is not a true cat. Now I’m done.

 Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?

 My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.

 That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero.

 Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.

 That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.

 Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”?

 You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.

 Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.

 Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? “Thanks for discovering penicillin, now how about we try a bouffant?”

 No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.

 But once you open the box, you’ve voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we’ve entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.

 I understand your envy. This is a can’t-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bioorganic cellular computer devices, the advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a roundtable on the nonequilibrium Green’s function approach to the photoionization process in atoms.

 George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.

 Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!

 I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.

 Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.

 Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.

 Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.

 That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

 Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.

 He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways’ magnificent Ranakpur Express and its twelve hundred kilometer journey from Maharashtra to the Bikaner Junction.

 Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!

 I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

 Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…

 and the upper level is a bar that offers wine tastings if you’re going as far as Portland.

 You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

 You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train)

 Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.

 Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?

 I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?

 What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be…

 Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.

 No! Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.

 All right, now, before you enter my bedroom unescorted, I need you to understand that this onetime grant of access does not create a permanent easement. Easement. It’s a legal right

 Yes, I’m still here. Where am I going? I’m on a train. Now, what you’ll be looking for is a small wooden box located between a Hoberman’s sphere and a sample of quartz flecked with pyrite. Hoberman’s Sphere. It’s a collapsible icosidodecahedron. No, the thing with the time on it is my alarm clock.

 You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.

 No, it’s a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Now, did you hear the click?

 Okay, now you’re going to insert the flash drive into the USB port. She calls me Moon Pie because I’m nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up, now, please put the flash drive in the USB port. The one that looks like a little duck’s mouth.

 Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.

 So, Penny has a don’t knock on my door before eleven o’clock  or I punch you in the throat rule.

 When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.

 Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?

 Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.

 No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.

 I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.

 Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

 I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.

 And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?

 And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.

 Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.

 That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.

 There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

 All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.

 That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.

 You’re thinking of the moving assembly line, an understandable but not excusable mistake. No. The moving assembly line, that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908. That innovation is what made possible our modern consumer culture by enabling a low-unit cost for manufactured goods. I guess that isn’t one of the topics discussed on your Radiohead.

 I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.

 Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)

 Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.

 Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.

 Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve?

 Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

 Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

 Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.

 Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

 Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?

 Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night’s work.

 Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!

 I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.

 Very well, but if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics, you’re going to have to answer to my mother.

 Look at Planck’s Constant. People say it’s arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let’s reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that’s not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we’re being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let’s call it universe prime, there’s another Sheldon, let’s call him Sheldon prime…

 No problem. I’ll be back before this banana hits the ground. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!

 Penny, please, we’re facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.

 Not bad? It’s horrible. I mean, you hear stories about this sort of thing, but you never think it’ll happen to you.

 No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.

 I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

 I knew it! PS3, definitely  PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?

 I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you?

 Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?

 Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.

 Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?

 Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?

 I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.

 If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?

 Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her.

 True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.

 Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”

 In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

 It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.

 Oh, great! now, I have to start all over again. (Rubs out imaginary workings)

 You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one.

 You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.

 I’m just talking about bees. They’re on the discovery channel. What are you talking about?

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

 You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

 We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.

 Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra.

 Last night was Wednesday. Wednesday is comic book night. Tonight, we’ll be going on Thursday, because it’s Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?

 To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages.

 Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.

 Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?

 Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.

 So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?

 All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?

 A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?

 Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.

 Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.

 Vintage doesn’t even begin to describe what we have planned. Tonight, we are playing the classic 1980 interactive text adventure, Zork. It’s the buggy beta version.

 Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment?

 Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.

 I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.

 More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

 Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative.

 Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être.

 No, no, no, no, don’t wake her. She’ll maul you like a rabid wolverine.

 That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.

 What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?

 I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.

 I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response?

 You know, I’m given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. Where  you can replace them with new problems such as alcoholism, gambling addiction and sexually transmitted diseases.

 I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.

 I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

 Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

 That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.

 Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

 Oh, I shall. (Sings Superman theme while searching his pockets.) No!

 You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

 Sure, why not? And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek. ‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.

 No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.

 I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

 Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?

 I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…

 I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.

 There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

 Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.

 Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you’ll be happy to know that I now have a much better understanding of friends with benefits.

 I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.

 Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

 You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

 Well, I have and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.

 You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.

 We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.

 You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

 Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?

 I agree. It’s the juxtaposition of the high-tech nature of space exploration against the banality of a malfunctioning toilet that provides the comic fodder here. Check your messages.

 Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humour would get less funny with repetition. Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop. (There is a knock on the door)

 For what it’s worth, my mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.

 You’re overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you’re building.

 If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.

 I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.

 I don’t see why I have to worry. My career’s not hanging in the balance. That was a joke. It’s funny, because it’s true.

 I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work.

 Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.

 You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

 It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.

 That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head?

 You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.

 He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.

 Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?

 Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.

 Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”

 Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

 I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

 I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.

 How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.

 It wasn’t. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot.

 I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.

 Well, there are others who might be more qualified, but the thought of interviewing them gave me a stomach ache. Now, I know I’m proposing an enormous undertaking, so why don’t you take a few moments to discuss it?

 Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.

 No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.

 I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

 Is that a yes or a no on the freezer? The woman has the attention span of a gnat.

 Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer?

 I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action?

 That feels like a bonus question. I’m going to stop here while I’m ahead, but I’ve had a great time.

 Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.

 Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.

 Way ahead of you, that’s an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” stick.

 That’s very unlikely, Mrs. Koothrappali. If Raj dies, it’ll be from frostbite, gangrene, acute sunburn or being ripped to shreds by a fifteen hundred pound polar bear.

 Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

 Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

 Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?

 Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?

 All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.

 Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.

 Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

 All right, men, we begin initial assembly and deployment of the testing equipment starting tomorrow at 0700 hours, but until then, you are all off duty. I suggest you keep the shenanigans to a minimum as medical help is 18 hours away by dogsled.

 I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

 Mother, I have to go. Yeah, love you. Bye. (To his spot) Hello, old friend. (Sits) Daddy’s home.

 Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

 If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.

 If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

 So we slept together naked. It was only to keep our core body temperatures from plummeting.

 Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

 Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

 What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy.

 Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.

 You’re right, Leonard, it’s not a big deal. All you did was lie to me destroy my dream and humiliate me in front of the whole university. That, FYI, was sarcasm. I, in fact, believe it is a big deal

 About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con!

 Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

 Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

 And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

 Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

 It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.

 You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.

 All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

 But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.

 Oh, you think you’re so clever. Well, let me just tell you, while I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your e-mail periodically for a doozy.

 My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.

 Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.

 That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that’s why they hated me.

 Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?

 Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

 Oh, a clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.

 Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.

 Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace. Tandoori Palace is our palace.

 If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed.

 Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat.

 Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.

 In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

 Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.

 Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play.

 That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

 I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

 One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that?

 Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.

 Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies or the classic why are you hitting yourself?

 If I were not being careful, your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.

 Uh-oh, flashlight went out. I need some batteries. Fellas? Hello? It’s really dark down here.

 Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo.

 Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.

 He’s a snowy tree cricket, and his name is Jiminy. (They leave) 

 Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome

 No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket?

 Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.

 Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.

 Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?

 I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

 Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.

 Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

 Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

 The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.

 It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

 I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

 That doesn’t seem likely. Her bed’s of sturdy construction. Even the addition

 I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

 I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”

 What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

 Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…

 I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.

 You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.

 There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

 Bazinga! None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you?

 There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

 I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

 Are you saying that I’m forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?

 Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week.

 If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.

 No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

 Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

 No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

 Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behaviour. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled on to that.

 Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?

 Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.

 I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate.

 Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that’s an all-male profession.

 And you’ve continued to take the university’s money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.

 Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.

 Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.

 Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.

 I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…

 I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.

 For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.

 I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

 I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.

 Bazinga! You’ve fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I’m your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.

 This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus.

 Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?

 There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

 All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…

 Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!

 Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point.

 Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.

 I can’t. There’s a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles.

 Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.

 Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I’ve told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

 June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue.

 You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.

 Yes, I’ve moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I’ll add a guest napkin, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That’s the face napkin.

 I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.

 I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

 Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.

 Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service.

 Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:

 You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.

 I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.

 My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

 It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

 In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.

 My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game.

 Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!

 So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.

 You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.

 The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.

 No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.

 No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny.

 Excuse me. You’re misusing the word ho. It’s an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object, as in, uh, Land, ho! Or, uh, Westward, ho!

 Well, actually, the risk of throat cutting is very low. On the other hand, severe string burn is a real and ever-Present danger.

 I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

 Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed.

 You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

 Sorry won’t bring their kites down. Ow! String burn! String burn!

 Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.

 Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do?

 I’m sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate at the fallen kite go to the victor. And without rules, the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture. (Sings) I have your kite. I have your kite.

 It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

 The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offence from the defence.

 I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

 If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

 If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

 That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

 Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

 That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.

 When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s?

 Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

 Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

 Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

 Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.

 Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

 You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

 You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.

 I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?

 I can see that. I was providing you with an alternative. A courtesy I was never offered in similar circumstances.

 Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.

 Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.

 You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.

 Come on, Leonard, if you roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown. See what I mean when I say the fun is real?

 You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.

 Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?

 It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?

 All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.

 I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination.

 No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

 All right, invitation pointlessly offered, invitation declined as expected, everyone’s civil, nobody’s fighting. Have a nice evening.

 Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.

 Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon.

 This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm.

 No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.

 I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.

 I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?

 Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?

 You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

 Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.

 All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.

 Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?

 Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?

 Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.

 That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.

 Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.

 I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

 I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

 I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

 They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.

 Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

 All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.

 Well, it does seem rather ironic that for want of 99-cent adhesive ducks, we both might die in a fiery car crash.

 My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.

 That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.

 Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.

 Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.

 One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

 Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat. Whee! Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.

 That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

 All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

 Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

 Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

 Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

 No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

 Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

 I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.

 Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.

 I’m sorry. There, there. Everything’s going to be fine. Sheldon’s here.

 That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?

 Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…

 Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.

 Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

 Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.

 Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul.

 Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.

 Now, whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.

 Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.

 A requirement for string theory, or M-theory, if you will, is the existence of such monopoles. I, myself, led an expedition to the Arctic Circle in search of said particles. Kripke, I found the nozzle! I’m going to kill you!

 I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing?

 However, on an unrelated topic, I am never getting out of this bed again.

 It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.

 Oh! How about we put awhoopee cushion on his office chair? He’ll sit down, it’ll sound like he’s flatulent, even though he’s not.

 Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.

 Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

 The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.

 It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.

 No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.

 Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.

 Oh, sure. And while we’re at it, why don’t we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?

 Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.

 It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.

 All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.

 A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.

 Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

 Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.

 Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?

 Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.

 Not likely. KoKo learned to understand over 2,000 words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.

 Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting.

 One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?

 Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

 You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.

 Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?

 This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

 Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?

 No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down!

 How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?

 There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?

 That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

 All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.

 And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?

 Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.

 No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.

 Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

 Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.

 I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.

 Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.

 December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

 I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

 Well, perhaps when your mother gets here, she’ll talk some sense into you.

 If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate.

 If I can interject again. Leonard comes from a remarkably high-achieving family, who have all chosen high-achieving partners. He probably feels that it’s doubtful that his mother will be overly impressed with his dating a woman whose most significant achievement is memorizing the Cheesecake Factory menu.

 Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.

 My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.

 It’s what we think caused your narcissistic personality disorder. We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got onto the subject of you is baffling.

 Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

 What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

 To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.

 No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.

 Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.

 If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy about it either. Good night.

 Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?

 It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.

 Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.

 I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s.

 I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?

 If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

 Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.

 One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.

 You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.

 Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.

 Tell her you’re a circle, Flatland gals are all hot for circles.

 Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.

 They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.

 Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?

 It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

 I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods)

 In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

 It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish.

 I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

 Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.

 Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.

 You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late.

 Well, I suppose. Come in. I’ll sleep in Leonard’s room. Good night.

 Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.

 So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

 Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.

 Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.

 Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman.

 In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.

 I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job.

 Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.

 Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop.

 The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?

 Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.

 It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.

 Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny!

 What if someone kidnaps me, forces me to record my voice, and then cuts off my thumb?

 Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.

 Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)

 Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.

 And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?

 Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting.

 Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid.

 All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct?

 I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.

 They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

 Please, Penny, as you know, I’m not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video.

 Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

 I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.

 Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus?

 Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.

 You’re right. (Takes whiteboard to window and throws it out. Picks up a new one) It’s a great idea, Leonard. Thank you.

 Unit cell contains two carbon atoms. Interior angle of a hexagon is 120 degrees.

 Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal…

 The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.

 I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.

 Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.

 Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

 You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls)

 No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out.

 When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.

 Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.

 Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.

 You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.

 I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?

 Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

 Senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech, focusing on M theory, or, in layman’s terms, string theory.

 A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

 Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.

 Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.

 You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.

 Actually, he might have to. There’s an economic concept known as a positional good in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it’s not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial, but less precise neener-neener.

 Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn’t a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one’s steady gal to witness a brutal murder?

 Professor Norton, although, God knows why. He hasn’t published anything of note since he won that Nobel Prize.

 This is incredible! I’m so happy, I’m not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I’m just going to run home and start packing.

 Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider?

 What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.

 Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.

 Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.

 Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him.

 I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing.

 All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

 He owns Fox, and they cancelled Firefly. Hint, he and Darth Vader are tied for number 2.

 I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo.

 Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.

 It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?

 What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

 I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.

 Alright, let’s dispense with the friendly banter, I believe you know why I’m here.

 Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room.

 Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.

 Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.

 Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.

 Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.

 Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

 Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

 Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.

 I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.

 With the friendship clause of our roommate agreement nullified you are no longer entitled to accompany me to go swimming at Bill Gates’ house should I be invited.

 Great. I’ll start packing. In a minute. (Vomits again) Oh, look, it’s the cholermus.

 Not my problem. I just don’t understand how this happened to me. I’m scrupulous about my hygiene. I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.

 Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.

 Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?

 I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman.

 Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.

 Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.

 I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

 Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.

 November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.

 Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.

 Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?

 But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you.

 I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.

 You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now.

 Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.

 Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.

 Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?

 Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.

 Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.

 Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.

 I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

 Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?

 There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.

 Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.

 Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself.

 And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.

 Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

 Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

 I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.

 Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.

 Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.

 No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!

 Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee’s doorbell. At Stan Lee’s house. We’re about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.

 I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

 Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

 Well, it’s very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I’m the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.

 Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.

 Who’s Adam West? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?

 No, what’s sad is that you don’t know Adam West was TV’s Batman.

 It’s not Elvish. It’s the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to

 Yes, there is. Oh, here’s a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.

 If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.

 Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.

 We can’t sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.

 The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.

 I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.

  It’s not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I’d had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I’d have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

 You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.

 I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.

 Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?

 Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add?

 Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.

 Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?

 It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

 And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?

 I won! This is astonishing. Not that I won the award, no one deserves it more. Actually, I guess I misspoke. It’s not astonishing, more like inevitable. I’m not sure what to do first. Maybe I should call my mother. Wait! I know, I’m going to conduct an interview with myself and post it online.

 Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.

 They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech.

 I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

 Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

 I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.

 I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.)

 Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

 That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?

 I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

 No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

 When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.

 Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.

 Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

 Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

 You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

 Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

 A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

 Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?

 Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp.

 Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.

 That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s.

 I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

 Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

 Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

 If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony.

 Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,

 All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over.

 Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here’s Uranus.

 You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.

 Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels.

 Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And on a side note, they are one of the few mammals whose scrotum is in front of the penis.

 But I sense you’re going to and I don’t want to hear about it. Excuse me.

 Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.

 We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.

 Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

 I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?

 Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.

 A common spare. The Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on Twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it’s really done. I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes. (Gets a strike) Yes. Tweet that, Tweety Bird.

 I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.

 No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.

 And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.

 The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.

 You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.

 All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.

 It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.

 What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis.

 Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?

 Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.

 He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?

 Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.

 Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.

 Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!

 I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

 Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

 Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

 Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

 Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

 Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

 He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

 I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

 That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

 Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

 Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

 Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

 Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

 Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

 Certainly. It’s not like I have to moderate my food intake because I’m planning on eating again very shortly. Mm, mm, mm!

 Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage.

 Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk.

 I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

 Oh. Hello, doggie. Nice doggie. I bet you think you smell hot dogs. Look, a cat!

 Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal.

 Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

 I’m sorry. I misspoke. What I meant to say was my battery died.

 Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

 We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

 I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

 I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

 Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

 Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

 And now, as promised, the tangent. Sheldon and the Hell Hound, or How I Lost My Hot Dogs.

 We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic.

 That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled.

 Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

 Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

 For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

 Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

 I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

 A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.

 Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

 When I’ve seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.

 Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?

 The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

 I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

 I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

 A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

 Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.

 I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

 Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.

 I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

 Excellent. If the yogurt works, I bought some delightful scented candles.

 From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room.

 In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.

 Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.

 Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.

 Oh, let me just get one thing. It’s my backup emergency supply kit. The living room escape route doesn’t pass through here. Now, good night. And if there’s an apocalypse, good luck.

 All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.

 Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

 Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.

 Wonderful. Meaningless pleasantries accomplished. Elizabeth, Leonard’s bathroom time is coming up, and believe me, you do not want to follow him.

 Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

 The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?

 Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali

 And of course, you’ve already introduced yourself to Dr. Hofstadter.

 (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.

 (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

 (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

 (voice off): I don’t have to go to Hell. At 73 degrees, I’m there already!

 I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

 Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.

 No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

 This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

 Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

 Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?

 Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

 That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

 The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

 This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

 Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

 Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

 We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

 Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.

 I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.”

 I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny.

 I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

 They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

 Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here.

 Oh. Well, in that case, I don’t need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is I’m the guy from whom you’re trying to get away. Oh, yes, this is definitely going to be my spot. (End of flashback.)

 Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)

 That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.

 I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

 How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?

 I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.

 I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.

 Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung, his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin’.

 Well it’s not a great question. How could somebody possibly think we’re going to blow up the moon? That’s a great question.

 All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.

 When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin?

 FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.

 As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.

 Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.

 She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.

 Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?

 It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

 Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.

 I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

 Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.

 Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

 He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

 As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.

 Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

 Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

 Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

 You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.

 I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.

 Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace?

 All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.

 Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.

 Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.

 I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

 Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental?

 Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?

 Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.

 If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.

 I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.

 Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.

 So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?

 I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops.

 Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

 That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?

 I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.

 If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it?

 Don’t bother. I’ve wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.

 Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California.

 Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count.

 Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.

 Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…

 My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

 Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…

 So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31.

 This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

 I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship.

 Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.

 Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.

 And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

 What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

 My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

 It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

 Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

 But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

 The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

 You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

 I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

 A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

 Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

 In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

 Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

 Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

 That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.

 I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.

 Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

 It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

 So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

 Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

 No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

 What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

 Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

 If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.

 Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.

 At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

 Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

 Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.

 Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

 In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?

 You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?

 Oh, yes. You should’ve been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.

 I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.

 It’s how they lure you in. I believe it’s called bait and switch.

 They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.

 She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.

 Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.

 Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.

 I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.

 May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.

 Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

 Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

 That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

 A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.

 Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.

 My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.

 Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.

 I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.

 It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

 You don’t have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I’m already a fan. All right, fellas, who’s in the mood for Fancy Feast? Well, that’s not fancy at all.

 I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…

 I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy.

 All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.

 That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.

 Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.

 Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.

 Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

 Yes, well, if we lived in a world where slow-moving xenon produced light, then you’d be correct. Also, pigs would fly, my derriere would produce cotton candy, and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic.

 You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.

 Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.

 Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?

 All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.

 All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.

 Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.

 All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.

 I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.

 That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism.

 Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.

 Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.

 Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

 No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard?

 Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?

 You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

 It’s not a home. It’s a senior centre.  We’d never put Meemaw in a home!

 Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?

 I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.

 You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot.

 As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.

 Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?

 Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing?

 He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

 Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.

 Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

 Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.

 As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.

 I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.

 Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.

 She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.

 Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.

 The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.

 I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details.

 No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

 Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

 I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter.

 Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt.

 Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina.

 Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out.

 Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.

 Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible.

 I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.

 The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.

 I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.

 Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.

 Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me.

 Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll.

 Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.

 Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.

 No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?

 That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.

 Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.

 I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

 My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?

 Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

 Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.

 Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.

 For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.

 April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.

 Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

 You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

 Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.

 You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.

 You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.

 And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.

 It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.

 Well, no-one’s going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.

 And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya’s preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.

 Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.

 Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?

 Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

 I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?

 May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.

 I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.

 Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.

 And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.

 Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

 Excuse me. If we’re changing topics, I believe I have first dibs with capybara, a rodent the size of a baby hippo.

 You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

 No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

 And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

 Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

 For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

 Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

 That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

 I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

 Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

 Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

 That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

 I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

 Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.

 Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

 Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

 Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

 That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.

 Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

 I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

 No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.

 I’m quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He’s responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo I do not like you.

 If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.

 Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.

 No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

 Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

 I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

 Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

 I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

 You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

 All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

 To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

 I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

 Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

 Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

 No, you can’t reprogram people. To James Tiberius Kirk. (Drinks. Leaves. Comes back and spits it out again.)

 Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

 Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

 No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

 No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours.

 That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

 Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage.

 Did Leonard? I’m no expert, but I believe what we just heard from Penny was sarcasm. (She indicates it was) Oh, good. I’m eight for 26 this month.

 Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go.

 What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

 I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

 Wait, now, we don’t know that yet. He isn’t finished. I have a girlfriend and you don’t who?

 Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.

 This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

 And here’s where we are. The runts in a large litter, unlikely to ever reach the nourishing teats of Indiana Jones.

 Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

 Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

 This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

 I will not calm down. This affront to justice and decency cannot go unanswered. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard once said, the line must be drawn here! This far, no farther!

 Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting. Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper.

 I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy? I have more examples, but excuse me. (On phone) Hello. Well, this seems like an odd time to test my cell phone quality, but go on. Test phrases? All right. Imatote. Ulbu. Twad. All together? I’m a total buttwad. Why are you laughing? Hello?

 This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t.

 Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

 Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

 Don’t worry, Wil Wheaton. I was just leaving.  Da-da-da-da, da-da-da!

 As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

 Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.

 I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.

 You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

 Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

 Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.

 Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.

 Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.

 Yes. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.

 I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.

 Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.

 What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

 Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.

 Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.

 Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.

 I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

 Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.

 All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

 All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.

 Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

 Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

 A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.

 Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.

 I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.

 Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.

 The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.

 The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.

 I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.

 Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.

 Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

 No, although it’s a question I’ve been pondering since preschool.

 Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.

 Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.

 Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.

 To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.

 That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?

 I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica.

 Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.

 Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.

 Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am.

 I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.

 Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late.

  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.

 Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.

 Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.

 I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.

 We’re the Justice League of America. There’s only one thing we can do. Turn around and slowly walk away.

 I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

 No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable, though if pressed, I’d have to give a slight edge to the cat. I’ll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer. I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.

 You have so few good ideas, Leonard. And you’re just going to spill the beans in front of an outsider?

 Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.

 Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.

 She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

 Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.

 All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

 A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.

 Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.

 Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.

 Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.

 You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.

 All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

 This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.

 In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

 Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.

 How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator.

 All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?

 Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

 I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

 When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…

 All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

 Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night.

 Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.

 They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

 Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex.

 Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these.

 I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

 I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?

 Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go, Beavers. I’ll be back.

 Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

 Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress.

 Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.

 That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.

 Don’t beat around the bush, Leonard. If you don’t want me here, just say the word, and I’ll leave.

 He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

 Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

 Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

 I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

 You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

 Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.

 Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership.

 As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.

 Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging?

 I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”

 Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder.

 All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.

 She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.

 It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update.

 Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.

 Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone’s toilet routine.

 That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.

 Can you guarantee that it won’t happen at any time during the night?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? (Knock, knock, knock) Raj? I need to sleep here tonight.

 Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny’s bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.

 Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.

 All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.

 All right, if no one’s going to guess, I was spying the aluminium rims on the police car we passed a few miles back.

 Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today.

 Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.

 Well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. I think I’ll turn in. I didn’t want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.

 Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

 Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

 Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.

 I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?

 Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.

 It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.

 Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.

 Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s

 Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.

 Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.

 All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.

 It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

 I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.

 It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.

 Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.

 Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

 East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.

 Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.

 Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!

 I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”

 Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.

 Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.

 Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.

 Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.

 Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

 Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.

 That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

 It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves,

 Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?

 I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform.

 Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

 Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window.

 Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

 An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box?

 My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.

 No, that can’t be it. And since you seem to have forgotten, the reason we live together is we’re best friends. And I got your back, Jack.

 You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.

 No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks.

 Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.

 Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!

 It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

 Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

 Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

 Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

 I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

 Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

 That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.

 Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.

 You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof?

 Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.

 No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.

 Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.

 Actually, he can. The Hindu Code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman’s father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble given that the prize is Leonard.

 Priya, if you’re experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, do the dance with no pants.

 That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports.

 No, no. It’s not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.

 Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?

 I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.

 Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going?

 But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

 We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

 Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

 But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.

 No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness.

 Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.

 Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.

 Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.

 Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.

 Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.

 Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?

 I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.

 Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?

 Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn’t look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it.

 Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking.

 Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I’m the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.

 Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.

 Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

 Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

 Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

 Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.

 Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.

 Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.

 All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun.

 Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

 She’s also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is.

 Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you’re just an engineer, but that doesn’t mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else’s Nobel prize acceptance speech.

 It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?

 It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.

 Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.

 I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.

 Not knowing is part of the fun. Was that the motto of your community college?

 Oh, oh, please, if I don’t know, you don’t know. That’s axiomatic.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.

 As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?

 I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

 Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.

 And is this my card? Rats! I wonder if Howard used a radioactive tracer. Where am I going to find Uranium-235 this time of night? Come on, Craigslist.

 The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.

 Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

 Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.

 What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.

 What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

 That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?

 You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice?

 What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?

 This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart.

 No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope.

 That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game.

 Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

 Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.

 I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.

 Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?

 Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?

 One moment. (Places a tissue on their hands before adding his own) I’m hell-bent on catching a cyber criminal, not the common cold.

 Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

 I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?

 We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.

 No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.

 Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.

 Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?

 I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?

 You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.

 Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?

 Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.

 Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon.

 I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?

 Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.

 Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

 Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.

 All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.

 Mm, it’s hard to say. I can only speculate based on the data I collected watching my parents’ marriage implode. In that case, the woman dives into religion, while the man dives into a bottle-blonde bartender who tries to buy my love with action figures. Oop! Out of arrows.

 That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains.

 If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.

 Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.

 I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.

 I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.

 Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?

 It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.

 Look at you, getting me to engage in the social sciences. You’re a vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.

 Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?

 Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you is giving me a great deal of satisfaction.

 Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.

 I wish you hadn’t done that. That’s going to make me a chick magnet, and I’m so busy as it is.

 Perhaps your talk of my sexual prowess renewed her faith in love.

 According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure. And believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force.

 Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

 Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

 Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

 Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s.

 Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.

 The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.

 A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

 Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?

 It’s talc. But as that’s a primary ingredient of baby powder, I understand your confusion.

 Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s.

 Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

 I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

 No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

 I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

 Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

 Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. )

 If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

 Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

 I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

 Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

 Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it.

 Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

 Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

 Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you’re in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.

 It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

 You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.

 Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

 All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

 I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.

 Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

 Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

 It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

 When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

 Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

 And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

 Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

 Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

 All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

 Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

 Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

 The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

 Rajesh, I’ve had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.

 Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.

 When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

 I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.

 Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint.

 He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.

 To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!

 Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?

 Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?

 So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?

 Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?

 Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.

 Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?

 Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.

 Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.

 A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.

 Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.

 Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.

 Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.

 Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?

 This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take. Hold the door!

 Not quite accurate. The Macy’s balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.

 It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

 Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system?

 Unless he takes Bernadette’s last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.

 Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.

 It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

 I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

 Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

 I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

 All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

 Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

 Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

 Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

 Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

 As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign.

 Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

 Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights.

 Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years.

 My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

 The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.

 You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

 Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

 Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past ten p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.

 Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

 Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like.

 If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.

 No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.

 Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

 That sounds like sarcasm, but I’m going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don’t see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defence. But I also can’t be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

 Gentlemen, if I may interject, I’ve decided my rank will be captain. If it’s good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it’s good enough for me.

 For the record, I do have genitals. They’re functional and aesthetically pleasing.

 Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you.

 Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)

 Give it a second to load. Whenever you’re ready, AT&T! Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they’re out of sunblock, which means they’ll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That’s our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won’t know what hit them. All right, let’s move out.

 You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.

 This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?

 Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.

 No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.

 Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets)

 If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!

 Excuse me. It’s Major Sheldon Cooper. With my last breath, I awarded myself a battlefield promotion. It’s kind of a big deal.

 It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?

 All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?

 You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?

 Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

 Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.

 Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.

 Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

 I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

 If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles.

 Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

 It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.

 There’s a wet Band-Aid on the shower floor. (Runs out of apartment).

 Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

 I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

 You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard.

 It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.

 No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment.

 For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.

 Under my authority as a self-appointed member of the Centres for Disease Control street team, these premises are condemned. (Penny tries to close door) As a man with a keen sense of style, I must tell you, that chair does not work with the room. (Penny closes door). (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Penny opens door and waves seat cushion at him. He screams and runs off. She closes door. He sneaks back) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.

 I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

 Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

 No. I dislike the sound of the harp. Its overuse in classic television sitcoms always makes me think I’m going to experience an episode from my past. (Amy plays glissando) I’m sorry, Mommy. Don’t be mad at me. Don’t do that!

 Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.

 Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?

 Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.

 Oh, I’m not buying anything. They’re having a lecture. H-O gauge railroading. Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun. Very controversial topic.

 I’ll let you know after tonight. Unlike some people, I’m going in with an open mind. Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it’s O-gauge or no gauge.

 Howard, I think I can help here. Yes, Bernadette, that’s exactly what he thinks.

 Okay, everybody calm down. There is a simple solution here. Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don’t care what you people do.

 You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.

 I don’t want to talk about it. But it’s not a spine,I’ll tell you that.

 Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.

 Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. By the by, I liked it, too.

 When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and all the ladders?

 Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.

 Because you don’t have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons and Dragons, this game’s in serious trouble.

 Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.

 Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.

 That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

 And now for dessert, come on, hot fudge sundae, come on, hot fudge sundae. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about!

 Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.

 Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

 Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

 Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

 Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.

 No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.

 Can’t figure out what to do? I remember those days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… (rolls dice) stay right here.

 Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks.

 I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with?

 Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.

 Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.

 Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

 Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it.

 Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.

 I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts.

 It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?

 I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

 And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it.

 At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.

 In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger’s cat is a thought experiment…

 Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, Lee, the most common surname. As I didn’t know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.

 Don’t talk to me as if nothing’s happened between us. And yes, it sure is, buddy.

 Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle, in which I could either know where you are or whether I like you, but not both?

 You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

 As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares. Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.

 Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.

 No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.

 I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

 Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.

 What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

 Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.

 You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.

 Come on, buddy. Let’s not waste another second on this loser. Love your house.

 Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.

 Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

 The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.

 Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.

 Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

 Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me?

 There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

 Well, there’s actually big news on the Amy front. She’s been studying the neurobiology of addiction in lower animals. She is this close to getting a starfish hooked on cocaine.

 And that reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can’tmake your mother fry it.

 I don’t know. Lately we’ve been talking about converting it into a missile silo.

 Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.

 Careful, you’re using too much Downey. You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

 It was in my weekly e-mail blast. Right between beet season is finally here, and uh-oh, red stool from beets leads to cancer scare.

 Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.

 I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.

 What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

 What do I say? I say you people need to stop ruining my mom’s visit with your sushi, and your sadness and your slutty shirts. Stop it.

 Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.

 But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand)

 No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.

 Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

 Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

 Oh, yes, the common cold. Just like everyone else. You’d love that, wouldn’t you?

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)

 And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.

 I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.

 Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.

 Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn.

 Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.

 Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.

 Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask)

 Yes, enjoy your japes, gentlemen. You think you’ve poked fun at a milquetoast academic. Well, you’ve forgotten one thing. I am also a son of the Lone Star state. I’m Texas through and through. And we know how to settle scores down there. If you doubt me, ask Mexico.

 Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality.

 It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples.

 well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?

 Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.

 I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper. You’re better than this.

 Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?

 Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.

 All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.

 You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

 It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.

 Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun!

 Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?

 What? No. You mean this was all a ruse? Oh, how could I be so stu… (puts hand to forehead. Electrocutes himself).

 Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny.

 I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists.

 Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse.

 Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy?

 Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.

 I have 100 alphabetized topics from artichoke, come on, people, it’s just a giant thistle, to zzz, the onamona-poetry of sleep.

 Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.

 The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.

 Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.

 Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.

 Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

 Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?

 If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.

 When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.

 Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.

 Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.

 You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!

 You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!

 There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

 It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.

 Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.

 Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.

 It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.

 Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.

 Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?

 For an audience with the queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trash can, you look great. (Leonard leaves again. Sheldon draws a picture of a cats face and returns to making cat noises at the window.) What am I thinking? Whiskers!

 This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.

 Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.

 The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

 Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on?

 It’s not a death ray. It’s just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn’t be living here. I’d be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray. All right, and in three, two, one. (Switches on. All the windows shatter. The bird doesn’t move.)

 You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking.

 Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.

 Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.

 Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.

 My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you?

 Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

 Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.

 How could he do this to me? Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!

 Mine was great. I’m going to be a mommy. (Reveals nest with an egg in it.)

 Well, A, comic books employ storytelling through sequential art, a medium that dates back 17,000 years to the cave paintings of Lascaux, and B, you play the harp. Like that’s cool.

 I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that.

 Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?

 I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.

 The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

 Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.

 Oh, Leonard. Lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can’t until you admit the problem.

 Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay?

 Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I’m very disappointed in you cowpokes. We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie.

 Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?

 Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town?

 And may I point out it is the three of you who are obsessed with Stuart and Amy, not me. I think you need to ask yourselves who’s really being ridiculous here. (Walks away with spurs jangling)

 Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

 Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?

 You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali.

 A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

 No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

 I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

 Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.

 Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.

 The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart.

 I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

 With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

 Well, that’s enough of that. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date. Here’s a dollar for your troubles. Get yourself some Sour Patch Kids.

 Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.

 I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.

 Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Relationship agreement Section 4, Boo-boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.

 I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day.

 In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

 Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.

 Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?

 You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.

 Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.

 Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?

 Oh, now Perlmutter’s shaking the King’s hand. Yeah, check for your watch, Gustaf. He might have lifted it.

 Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

 Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?

 Technically, Howard’s the gear head. Leonard’s just a dime store laser jockey.

 The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.

 You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.

 Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess.

 A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples.

 This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens.

 One for good luck. Must be the kind of math they do at Princeton.

 Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks.

 As a symbolic gesture to all the bullies who’ve tormented us for years, we open our home to Jimmy and once he’s asleep we kill him. I said it would be nice, I didn’t say we should do it.

 You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out.

 I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

 The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back.

 Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience.

 Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret.

 This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?

 A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.

 If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.

 Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.

 It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out)

 And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory?

 All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?

 Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.

 Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

 Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

 Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.

 Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

 Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.

 She’d see right through that. We go to the zoo all the time. She knows my koala face. And for future reference, it’s this.

 Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.

 It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

 No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.

 Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.

 Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?

 It’s appreciated. And if you ever manage to find a woman again, I’ll be glad to return the favour.

 Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?

 Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.

 Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

 Nonsense. I look like a train conductor. Under what pretext did you lure her here?

 Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.

 Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.

 You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?

 As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.

 Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.

 Oh, no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.

 All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.

 Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood. Why are you making it so hard?

 We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.

 Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.

 Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning?

 After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?

 It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?

 It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

 We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so.

 You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order.

 I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.

 Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again, off-again relationship with her, because I am very, very hungry.

 This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?

 Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

 Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…

 No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 Confound it! You’re right, it’s brilliant. Let’s take it from the top.

 The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence, a fact that wasn’t discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully, their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of Fascism.

 Speaking of cowboys, do you know what country has not one but two cows on its flag? The tiny landlocked nation of Andorra. Oh, the next classic episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags is writing itself.

 Careful, it’s that kind of sass that can get a person uninvited to this year’s Who Con.

 You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.

 Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me.

 Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.

 I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

 Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

 All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

 You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?

 Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

 I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.

 You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.

 Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

 Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”

 Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?

 All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.

 ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

 Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

 You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go?

 Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

 No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person.

 You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?

 Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?

 Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?

 Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.

 Can’t help a friend out in a time of need, huh? I see where your therapist was coming from.

 Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.

 Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?

 I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.

 Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.

 And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

 But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

 Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.

 Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark, he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.

 Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

 I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.

 Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.

 Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s’more by myself. And then I’m gonna have s’more. By myself.

 This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water.

 Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.

 Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.

 Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.

 Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)

 Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.

 Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

 You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.

 But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?

 I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.

 Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

 Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.

 My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.

 It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.

 One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.

 Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.

 Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!

 Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

 What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

 I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998. And it’s still alive. Let’s do this.

 There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

 How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.

 This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.

 Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.

 I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

 Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.

 You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.

 All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.

 It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.

 No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

 I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.

 You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.

 Ah, seeing as I’m on vacation, a pina colada seems appropriate. Extra pineapple slices, extra whipped cream, extra cherries, extra umbrellas, and, uh, hold the rum. Don’t let me have too many of those.

 Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)

 I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week.

 These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in.

 Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

 Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.

 We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

 Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

 Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

 We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

 Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.

 Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things.

 Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains.

 Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force.

 I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day.

 Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

 Professor Rothman. This isn’t your office any more. You’re retired.

 I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.

 Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

 Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

 You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

 No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

 How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

 What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We’re trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree!

 Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?

 You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?

 He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.

 When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.

 No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?

 To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

 Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)

 Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…

 I’m sorry, it’s the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

 I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it.

 I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

 Why don’t I let my hair grow out? Um, why don’t I start wearing Birkenstocks and, uh, uh, seeking validation of my opinions by asking can you dig it?

 No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

 I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.

 Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.

 I don’t know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster. I got it. I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.

 Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.

 Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.

 Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

 Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

 Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.

 Wherever the music takes me, kitten. I play bongos walking down the stairs. (Sound of falling) Oh! Oh! Never play bongos walking down the stairs.

 Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records.

 At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.

 Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.

 Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!

 Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

 I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

 Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.

 Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?

 Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

 Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.

 No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.

 Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist.

 Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

 You’re right. I’m smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!

 Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.

 All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.

 Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?

 When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?

 I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

 Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

 Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

 Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.

 Thanks. Ooh, listen, I wouldn’t mind a piece of birthday cake, provided the old gal’s candle blow is clean and dry.

 Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

 Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.

 Dr. Rostenkowski, it may interest you to know that saying pew, pew, pew isn’t as effective as pressing your blaster key. In the same way that saying whee doesn’t make the land speeder go.

 That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced. And I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

 I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution.

 Well played, Amy Farrah Fowler. Let me get my coat. (Whip sound) Oh, grow up, Leonard.

 Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking.

 Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.

 They had a make your own sundae bar. Ooh, that was a night to remember. Do you know, on the one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

 Well you should. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make your own sundae bars end in happiness.

 Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.

 Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn!

 Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure.

 Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

 Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right? (Wakes up in bed) Goody, goody, goody. This is wrong. This is wrong. I’m so excited, but this is wrong. I’m gonna do it. I’m doing it. I did it. Oh, that’s what I always thought 1975 smelled like. One to beam down Mr Scott. Aye, aye, Mr Spock. Energise. (Spins toy). Energise. (Tries to spin toy. It sticks. Tries to get Spock out and toy falls apart.) Don’t be broken. Please don’t be broken. (To Spock toy) What did you make me do? Okay, okay, think. (Sees Leonard’s toy) It’s only logical.

 No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.

 Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.

 You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.

 Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energise. (Throws Spock away. Get’s attacked by a Gorn. Wakes up.) Ah. Tiny Spock. Help.

 Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

 My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her.

 Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart.

 Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.

 I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.

 I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.

 My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.

 Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.

 Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.

 Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?

 Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.

 Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.

 Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

 Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.

 Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

 Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?

 Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.

 No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

 Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.

 Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.

 Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.

 You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that.

 Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.

 My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?

 Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.

 Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

 Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.

 I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

 I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.

 Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?

 Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

 Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing.

 All right, then. Thank you, Howard. Please let Professor Hawking know that I’m available at his earliest convenience.

 No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.

 Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.

 Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.

 All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight.

 Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, you’re half swan.

 It’s not bad. Unless you compare it to a train; then it stinks.

 Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky.

 I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.

 Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!

 And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!

 You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.

 Chicken broth. It seemed culturally appropriate. Also, there was a single cube of chicken bouillon in the cupboard when I moved in and it’s been bothering me for the last eight years. So, as they say, two birds.

 Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?

 A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!

 It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes.

 I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.

 What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

 Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

 And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.

 Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

 I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.

 I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

 No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

 Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.

 Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.

 It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.

 I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.

 No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?

 So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?

 289, right between the Game Show Network at 288 and the East coast feed of the Disney Channel on 290.

 Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity.

 Remarkable. In just under a half hour, 200 metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard’s keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy, has been Tetris and mail-order brides.

 Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.

 That’s what you said about The Green Lantern movie. You were 114 minutes of wrong.

 It does, indeed. Leonard, is it awkward being here with Penny given that you recently proposed to her?

 While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.

 I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.

 Well, what if it’s his only way out? I can’t risk it. Here is twelve dollars. Now, we’re even. Wait, wait, wait, I bought a card. Give me two dollars. And for the record, this is why I hate gift-giving.

 I think the Reverend Hofstadter is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

 Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.

 Fine, I’ll do it in English, but it loses something. The need to find another human being to share one’s life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I’m so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

 I must admit, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It’s like a cat in an airport carrying case.

 You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now.

 Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?

 Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?

 Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we?

 As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.

 Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can’t outsource that to an Indian.

 Oh, I hope that’s a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.

 All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.

 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)

 I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

 That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise)

 That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.

 The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.

 Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.

 Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.

 Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.

 So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?

 String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?

 How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.

 Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

 Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.

 Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

 I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

 I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

 Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.

 Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.

 Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?

 Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.

 Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.

 Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

 Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

 Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

 Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

 Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

 My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

 Thank you. Coconut? What were you thinking? Are you a hula girl?

 Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.

 Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.

 Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up.

 Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?

 But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.

 Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere.

 Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz. No one likes a kiss-up.

 Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

 There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, colour and consistency.

 Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

 Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.

 Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

 That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

 Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking.

 You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

 Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best.

 Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

 I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

 Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jenson. FYI, there will be no breaks.

 Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?

 It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.

 Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

 If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

 It’s a kindness, Leonard. Otherwise, you’re cruelly tempting them with a glimpse of a world that’s just beyond their soot-stained fingertips.

 I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

 The original title was “A Rederivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”” I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.

 Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

 Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

 Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.

 Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

 It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

 It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe.

 Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

 Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome.

 Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

 I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

 Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

 It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

 All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots.

 That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

 Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

 Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out.

 For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.

 Amy, do something. Amy, help. Amy, stop that. Amy, Penny, both of you, stop it.

 Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

 So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

 For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.

 Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.

 It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

 Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

 Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

 Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett. What? You want to be Hewlett?

 I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie.

 A Tardis makes no sense. It’s a time machine from a science-fiction show. It has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don’t get a Tardis, you stink and your party stinks.

 We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

 Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

 No, I don’t think so. Those dolls represent three things I do not care for, clowns, children and raggediness. I think it’s a lost cause.

 Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?

 I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…

 Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.

 And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

 And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.

 Hold that thought! Professor Hawking has made a move. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, it’s only a matter of time before we’re coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I’ll be Coop. He’ll be Wheels. If he’s okay with that. (Leaves)

 It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down.

 Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.

 Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.

 Although, I could play the completely unrelated and better word extract (pronounced with emphasis on ex). Ethical conundrum avoided. Thanks, brain.

 It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?

 Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

 Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.

 Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.

 I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?

 I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.

 Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.

 Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.

 Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.

 How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.

 You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

 Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.

 Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.

 I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.

 ‘Course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.

 Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.

 It’s true. In 1982, Wil played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.

 Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.

 Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

 Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

 Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?

 I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet.

 Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.

 Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

 You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

 Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.

 You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

 Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.

 Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math?

 I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I hope this gift will make things better.

 First of all, you’re welcome. And furthermore, not being familiar with Wil Wheaton’s body of work, there was no way for you to know you were being rude to a national treasure. Get ready for 130 hours of I told you so. (She hands him back the DVDs and slams the door) Fine. I’ll just tell you what happens. Episode one, Encounter at Farpoint. Fade in. The new Enterprise heads out on its maiden voyage to contact the Bandi people of Deneb IV. Enter Wesley Crusher, played by my buddy… (Amy opens door, grabs DVDs, slams door again) She’s hooked.

 Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls.

 Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

 Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

 The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

 It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

 Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

 Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

 On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

 Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

 You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

 My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

 You’re asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I’ll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.

 I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend.

 It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.

 It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)

 Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.

 Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.

 Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.

 I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

 While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.

 Am I? The mind’s a mysterious thing, Leonard. He could be having the time of his life while she thinks she’s a chicken pecking for corn.

 The first forty-three parallel universes I’ve checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different. (Puts his head in the wormhole)

 Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.

 You don’t need to know, you don’t deserve to know, and you will never know.

 If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

 Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.

 I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

 Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

 I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.

 Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?

 No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.

 Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side?

 Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?

 I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.

 Go ahead. That’s the only doctorate you’ll ever get. It smells funny in here.

 Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)

 He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.

 Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us.

 Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.

 Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.

 I think you’re high on paint fumes. And boy, that’s a lot of Band-Aids.

 Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)

 Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.

 No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.

 He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.

 Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies.

 Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.

 Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

 There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it.

 Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

 Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle.

 A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?

 Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

 Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.

 Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.

 It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell.

 However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.

 I can think of many things Spider-Man can’t do that a spider can. One, crawl in your ear and die. Two, legally leave Guatemala without a passport. Three, have sex with a spider.

 You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

 No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.

 Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.

 Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.

 I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe?

 Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.

 I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?

 Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

 How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

 Now you’re being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.

 No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door)

 Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?

 Fine. Then I’m going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.

 I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab.

 I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.

 It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.

 It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.

 In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.

 Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

 Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited.

 Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.

 Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

 Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.

 Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

 I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.

 I know they’re making a rhetorical point, I just don’t know what it is.

 Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.

 Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even

 Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.

 It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.

 W-W-Wait. There’s still four more verses. You don’t sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know’st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost…

 Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?

 Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.

 Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you?

 You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?

 My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

 Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

 No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I’ve never felt so alive. (Answers door) Oh, hello, Alex. Uh, let me go get you last night’s recordings.

 Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it’s probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.

 Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning?

 Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.

 I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names.

 Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

 No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.

 Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things.

 Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.

 Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six.

 Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.

 Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

 You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

 Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

 Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

 So does this fellow, but he can’t without it burning like hot soup.

 Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.

 I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.

 Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

 So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.

 Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.

 Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…

 I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.

 Yes. No, yeah, but in his defense, that wasn’t racist. He’s also brown.

 But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.

 You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

 And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.

 Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the future.

 Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I’m gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you’d better ace it, they’re pretty mad.

 Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost.

 That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place.

 It’s a comic book convention. You know, it’s like pizza or particle accelerators, even the stinky one’s still pretty good.

 But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.

 Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

 I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.

 Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.

 Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

 Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence.

 What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

 Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

 Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

 Scotty was on the original series, and we’re Next Generation. So, joke’s on you.

 Yeah, well, we’re not. We’re an imaginary landing party who had real-life garbage thrown at us by real-life strangers who think we’re idiots. And to tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel like one. I want to go home now.

 There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

 I’ll eat later. Right now, I’m suckling at the informative bosom of mother physics.

 That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

 So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

 That’s ridiculous. I am one of the great minds of our generation. I work on a level so rarified you couldn’t even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

 There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

 Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

 Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

 See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair.

 And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke.

 How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

 Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

 And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

 I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

 I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?

 Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

 I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand.

 Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

 What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

 I’ll do what I can. But it’s not going to be easy, because when I’m with Amy and our bathing suit areas mush together, boy howdy, is it magic

 Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive.

 Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

 Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable.

 No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

 That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either.

 You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

 Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

 Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

 There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

 What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

 Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

 Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

 One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

 Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

 Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

 That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

 Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing.

 Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

 Okay. Amy’s decided she wants to move in with me, so I need you to come back home, you lovable scamp. That’s a lot of product.

 Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for.

 Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

 You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.

 You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

 Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

 I suppose there’s no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations and the high-pitched wails of despair.

 Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

 She doesn’t want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.

 I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it.

 Oh, no, no. That’s not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine’s gift for my girlfriend.

 Well, I guess those chaps will have to have someone else buy their girlfriends presents. Now, here is, let’s see, this is, this is about two thousand dollars, um, I think she likes monkeys and the colour grey. Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.

 Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off.

 Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?

 Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.

 Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.

 Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

 No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.

 Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?

 So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags.

 Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.

 If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?

 Gosh, Penny, what’d you have for breakfast? A big glass of good question juice? The Nebraska state flag is simply the state seal on a field of blue. Spread your legs, invite them in.

 Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?

 Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.

 Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.

 She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.

 Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play.

 Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?

 Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?

 Would it help if I gave him some pointers? I’m just funnin’ ya.

 It’s about streetcars? Oh, great. I won’t need this. (Pulls out an etch-a-sketch.)

 How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?

 I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

 I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals.

 Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.

 Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.

 I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana.

 We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.

 How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man.

 Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.

 All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.

 Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.

 This must feel pretty good for you, coming back to your alma mater as an astronaut.

 Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science, until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can’t happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

 Uh, hello again. Um, yeah, I don’t know if women in general have been actively discouraged from pursuing the sciences, but it’s clear you young women here, today, have been. While I was listening to my colleagues waste your time, it occurred to me that it might be much more meaningful to hear about women in science from actual women in science, and, uh, I happen to know two brilliant examples who have agreed to speak to you on the phone right now. Uh, Dr. Rostenkowski, Dr. Fowler, are you there?

 Thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to enlighten these young women.

 Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?

 Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.

 Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?

 Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…

 Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content…

 Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?

 Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.

 I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.

 Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.

 Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

 Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.

 Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.

 I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.

 All right, I’ll tell you. My goodness, everyone’s on their game today.

 It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.

 Anyway, um, I realized that if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and then we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

 It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

 Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map.

 I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

 You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.

 Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

 Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?

 Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy.

 If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle.

 Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

 Well put. You know, I must say I go back and forth on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but those moments when you worship me really keep you in the running.

 But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

 Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

 The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

 Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that. Let’s see. Up next on the tenure committee is Professor Wu. Well, get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.

 First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman.

 Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.

 Actually, I meant you could drive me. But if it makes you happy, that other stuff, too.

 What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?

 Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out.

 Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

 Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.

 I don’t know what you’re doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj’s mother for a dollar.

 Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.

 I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.

 I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.

 No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.

 Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.

 That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.

 Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.

 No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

 I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

 Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.

 Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.

 Oh, quite sure. (Amy starts a knocking sequence on the table. After staring at her a moment, Sheldon completes it.) That proves nothing.

 …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

 Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.

 The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

 Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

 You don’t know what it’s like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.

 Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…

 Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.

 Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.

 Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.

 Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

 It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house.

 And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.

 As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.

 Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye.

 The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you.

 Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

 Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes.

 Oh, no, there are no kids. No, the, the show’s for me. Come on. I’ll race ya, Arthur.

 Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

 Oh, no. How could anybody hate Gino the Neutrino? It’s nice, huh? I got him for 20 bucks on eBay. Including the shipping!

 What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away.

 I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?

 Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.

 But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.

 Yeah, it’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.

 Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this’ll be the best day ever.

 There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

 Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

 But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?

 I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.

 Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me.

 Okay, well, I have a sound effect for those sound effects. (Blows raspberry)

 It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?

 Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.

 Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment.

 Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?

 Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight.

 I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.

 Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.

 Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

 Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

 I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.

 More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.

 Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

 I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.

 Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

 Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?

 Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?

 I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.

 Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?

 Very well. Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn’t change anything. I should have opened with that, huh?

 Leonard, you’re being selfish. We need to give you a proper send-off so we’ll have closure when you die at sea and crabs eat your face.

 You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this.

 Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.

 It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.

 I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.

 Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

 Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers.

 It did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.

 Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law.

 All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.

 Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.

 Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made.

 It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.

 Don’t worry, Officer. They just love each other. We’re not smuggling drugs.

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

 This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

 Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

 No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

 Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

 Everything I say is true. Now, of course, the dung beetle also enjoys eating faeces, living in faeces and making little balls out of faeces, so, you know, pick and choose which aspects of its lifestyle you want to embrace.

 I want you to be happy, too, but not enough to do anything about it.

 Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess.

 Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

 Well, I really need to go to the bathroom, and this one’s gone all cattywampus.

 If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

 Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

 That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka?

 Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

 Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

 Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

 Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

 Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

 But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

 I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

 And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

 Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

 Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

 I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

 Now I know how you felt getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

 Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.

 Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.

 I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.

 Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate.

 Don’t try and trick me into buying something I don’t want. Now let’s talk Aquaman. 

 Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.

 Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.

 Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.

 I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

 That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?

 Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!

 Oh, great. Do you want to go halfsies on a two hundred dollar squirt gun?

 I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.

 She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.

 Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.

 No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.

 Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)

 Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?

 Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.

 Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying.

 Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.

 Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.

 No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny.

 You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir?

 Excuse me. This changes nothing. Except the Halloween costume I’m wearing this year. Amy, you’re going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the doughnuts.

 Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

 Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.

 You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.

 Hello. So I guess you’re really holding up the other four fingers?

 You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.

 I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?

 Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. 

 A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.

 Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.

 I don’t think thatqualifies as a mystery, we all knew what we were doing.

 That’s amusing, I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

 I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?

 Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt.

 Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

 No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. 

 Really? The only time I’m ever picked first for a team and I’m stuck with the liability?

 Yeah, well, take them apart and start with the edges. And stop wasting time.

 You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

 Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store.

 Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

 Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

 And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

 Because you’ve been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.

 My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.

 Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.

 Oh, I see your confusion. You don’t understand. Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.

 I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.

 Yeah, except for the fact that Indiana Jones is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him, the Nazis find the ark, open it and die.

 Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works.

 And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?

 Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.

 Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.

 Wait, hang on. You’ve spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she’s fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn’t noticed?

 I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

 Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.

 Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.

 Good night, indeed. What a rube. Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?

 Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner.

 That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.

 Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

 Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

 Yes. But not as good as I’m going to when I tell you that your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn’t have a job.

 That’s true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.

 Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.

 That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.

 You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.

 My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?

 Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.

 Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.

 Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.

 Why? So you can see the look on Amy’s face when she hears my top-notch idea?

 Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

 Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.

 Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. 

 Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here?

 Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public.

 Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?

 Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway.

 Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.

 If it makes you feel any better, Amy and I are fine. I mean, really good.

 Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn.

 Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.

 Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you.

 Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?

 Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.

 It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?

 Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?

 So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.

 What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.

 Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…

 Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop.

 Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.

 I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.

 Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.

 I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk?

 Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

 I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.

 My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.

 Well, I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. Not even a good-bye? You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid. She just doesn’t see it.

 Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius.

 Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.

 Did I? Well, that can’t be right. No one’s ever done that before. Except me, because I just did it. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain, yeah. Sheldon and his brain…

 Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks. 

 Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.

 Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.

 Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.

 And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday.

 Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.

 This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…

 This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?

 Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

 What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.

 Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.

 There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve. 

 No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.

 And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.

 Oh, no, they found the element. (More applause) No, no, stop it. I don’t need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?

 The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.

 She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day?

 You distract me. I’ve been distracted since the moment I met you. 

 Well, you should be. Because all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you. And not just on the cheek, but on the mouth. Like mommies and daddies do.

 Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash. 

 Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.

 Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.

 This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.

 No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?

 But I’m hanging out with my friend, and we’re having fun. Look how happy he is.

 That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me.

 Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk.

 That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

 Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

 That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.

 No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.

 Oh, it won’t hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. I’m annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I’m annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can’t stand it when I’m right.

 Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.

 It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.

 No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.

 Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.

 It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. 

 Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. 

 Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.

 Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model.

 If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.

 Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.

 Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. 

 Oh, wait here. I’ll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye’s house. As long as I’m not within 500 feet of it.

 Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up.

 None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

 That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

 Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.

 How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

 You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. 

 Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

 Gentlemen, please. Leonard is trying to walk a mile in my metaphorical shoes. He can’t walk in my actual shoes. He has the feet of a toddler.

 I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy.

 Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

 I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel.

 The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

 There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

 There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can.

 Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

 Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

 Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

 I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment.

 I know. And it wasn’t easy. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wait for years and never know if you’re going to finally get satisfaction?

 Yeah,uh, look, it is scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you, with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn’t do it.

 Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful.

 Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.

 Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

 Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.

 Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labour under the yoke of the white man.

 Let me ask you a question. At any point, was Las Vegas on its side?

 Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head.

 It smells wonderful. Is anyone slaving away in the kitchen? Because I, too, know…

 I don’t know the first thing about women, but I would not follow her.

 They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.

 My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

 I would throw a quick slant to a wideout, given that the defence is showing blitz.

 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.

 So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried.

 No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.

 All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time.

 Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate.

 Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show.

 Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.

 Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.

 Look, you’re gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You’re just gonna have to find a way to get used to it.

 But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.

 Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque.

 How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

 That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is.

 Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

 I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

 By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

 Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

 When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

 Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight.

 I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

 No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

 I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong.

 Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit.

 No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

 I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

 Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week.

 You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

 That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

 What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me?

 You know, I don’t just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does)

 Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?

 Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.

 Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?

 Oh, no, thank you, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes.

 The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? 

 No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.

 Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.

 Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I’m the janitor of my sister’s birth canal.

 Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I’m in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified.

 Penny, for the thousandth time, I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud. 

 My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I’m on the phone. So rude.

 Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.

 Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life.

 Ugh, all right, I’ll go. But from what I’ve seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control.

 Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn’t begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.

 I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t.

 Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. 

 The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. 

 Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.

 I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.

 I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.

 I’ve been studying how to make people laugh. They say that comedy is tragedy plus time. Let’s tickle some ribs.

 Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?

 Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.

 So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?

 The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it.

 Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

 I’m going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over. (Leonard knocks three times) Penny. Sorry.

 Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it?

 A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.

 The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.

 I’ve read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.

 Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze.

 Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

 Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22. 

 Well, to celebrate this reconciliation, let’s all share a milk shake. Uh, Penny, you’ll need a straw.

 Don’t get soft on me, Hofstadter. I will slap those glasses right off your face.

 Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants.

 Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.

 It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.

 I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.

 How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?

 You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.

 Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.

 You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.

 No, wait. I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy and Bill Nye the Science Guy, ’cause, legally, I’m not allowed to. Oh, and, also, Carrie Fisher, you know, ’cause I hear he can be pretty nuts.

 Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.

 I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.

 Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and…

 You’re the ones who are going to get in trouble. You’re buying non-transferable tickets. And from a stranger, no less. Not only can you get banned from Comic-Con, if caught, you could be charged with petty theft. You think about that while I’m warning James Earl Jones about the danger of posting his location on Twitter. He got lucky this time. There are some weirdoes out there. (To the Imperial March theme) Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum. Bom, bom, badala, baba, badalum, bom, badala, bom, bom, forgot my keys, bom, bom, bom, bom, badum, bom, badum… 

 Thank you. My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.

 Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing?

 Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?

 Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.

 Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

 People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

 I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

 For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

 Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

 Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

 Wow. I’m feeling the urge to hug you. And one, and two, all right, Gollum, we’re good.

 Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

 Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

 Oh, my. Well, then my apologies for bringing up this sore spot.

 It’s magnificent. This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever.

 I’m prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.

 Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

 Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform?

 It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo.

 You’re right. That was insensitive of me. I have to go back to my table now. You should join us.

 I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy?

 Dare I say loco? Oh, and, Amy, guess what? The conductor said as soon as he gets off work, he can come back to the bed and breakfast and play his banjo for us.

 How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

 Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

 Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

 Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

 I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

 Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

 I’m not sure how listening to other nine-fingered banjo players makes me dog, but all right.

 Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches.

 No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table.

 Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.

 You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98.

 I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.

 Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.

 It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.

 You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.

 Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.

 But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.

 Well, that means not one, or not any. Maybe instead of a table, you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don’t know if I won that, but at least he’s upset.

 My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV.

 What about the roommate agreement? It specifically states that any changes in furnishing have to be approved by the Furnishing Committee. Which only sits on alternate years. Yeah, and by the way, it sits over there.

 Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you.

 I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.

 You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.

 No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death.

 No. You’ve opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate, open-minded person. And that stops now.

 At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this.

 Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?

 How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?

 Okay. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time, I just had to be sure.

 No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me.

 Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.

 Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.

 No, thanks. We’re fine. I mean, if you people want to eat at the table, then that’s what you should do. I like eating down here because this is how we’ve always done things. But if those days are gone, they’re gone. It just makes me sad.

 Am I missing something, or isn’t that the part she was born to play?

 Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.

 Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye.

 Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.

 I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman.

 Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over.

 In any event, that began a decade-long progression of insults, pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions. To this day, I still get a monthly copy of Granny on Granny. Which, other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page, is complete filth.

 That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.

 I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?

 Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America.

 Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?

 Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…

 Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.

 Oh, in that case, I’d like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.

 It is. You were wrong, friend Howard. She completely understood.

 But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.

 I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

 Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

 Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?

 No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.

 Despite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn’t exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.

 But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you.

 Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

 I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

 I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone?

 No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

 I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

 No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

 I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

 Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

 And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

 Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

 That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

 Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.

 Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

 I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

 You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

 I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

 Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

 Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

 My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

 Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?

 I’m not being stupid. I’m employing the work of Dutch researcher, Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.

 You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard.

 Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.

 Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.

 No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.

 Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.

 See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.

 No, I am not. And this ESRAM buffer should totally bridge the 100-gigabit-per-second bandwidth gap between the two RAM types.

 Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?

 You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice.

 I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.

 Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.

 Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.

 Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.

 You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.

 Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

 Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

 Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

 Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven?

 All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

 Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

 I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

 Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

 It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

 I know. As hard as this is, I have to move on. I can’t keep postulating multidimensional entities and get nothing in return. I have needs, too.

 The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.

 Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS.

 Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

 I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one.

 Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas?

 Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

 You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?

 Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

 Oh, Duchess, look at me. My quantum gravity’s positively loopy.

 That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

 A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

 Ah, normally I refrain from alcohol, but since my cerebral cortex is twiddling its proverbial thumbs, why not soak it in grape juice that’s been predigested by a fungus?

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. (Knock, knock, knock) Empty room. If somebody says come in, I’m gonna freak out.

 I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

 Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass.

 Clogzilla. That’s pretty funny. I don’t think that’s gonna pass.

 Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?

 All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.

 Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?

 Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday.

 That’s a good question. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy and Bernadette. Why did you lie to us?

 And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.

 Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because…

 I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco.

 My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

 But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.

 I am. So much so that I’m gonna bring her here for dinner on our next date night.

 Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch.

 This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.

 Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

 You can’t be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.

 For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.

 That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

 Ha. The opposite. She’s a neurobiologist, and I’m a theoretical physicist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

 You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it’s truly deserved. This is malarkey.

 And how do you propose to do that? (Amy takes off coat and is dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl) Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don’t know where you’re going with this.

 Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time.

 Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.

 Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.

 All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.

 If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.

 Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?

 Arthur Jeffries was a scientist. I’m sure he didn’t care about silly superstitions like funerals. You know, if he were here, I think he’d say enjoy Star Wars Day.

 Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it.

 Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?

 Well, you know what else was just a suggestion? Why don’t we change the Raisin Bran box? Hmm? And you know who got hurt by that? Every single person who eats breakfast.

 Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.

 This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.

 When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?

 That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.

 Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.

 And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.

 I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.

 I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It’s called reading the room, Amy.

 Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

 Oh, yes, you’re the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?

 Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

 Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea.

 No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

 Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

 Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

 How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

 I was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it’s my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.

 I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

 He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

 It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university.

 I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory.

 You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

 Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

 Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

 Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

 I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

 Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

 I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

 Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more.

 I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

 Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

 You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

 No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

 Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

 No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

 You know what? I don’t always recognize sarcasm, but I do right now, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re not the only one whose day has been a disaster.

 Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

 My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

 I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

 Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

 Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it’s simply too much. I need to get away and think.

 Yeah, well, I understand that I’m half naked, but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car, all my possessions were stolen. Now, typically, I wear pyjamas, but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle and pyjamas are the sleep-pants of the Man. I’ll have you know, Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants and a nation rallied behind him. My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged, but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist. Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask. Bosons have integer spin, fermions have half-integer spin. My legs are getting cold. Why won’t anybody help me?

 Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

 Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

 No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs.

 Oh, yes, please. A pair of pants. And my toothbrush. Yeah, and my mail. And a really good comeback for chicken legs, because “I know you are, but what am I?” was met with stony silence.

 Well, perhaps I can help. Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have, have you tried doing that?

 Well, maybe you should. There’s lots of books called Sherlock Holmes, and there’s no books called Officer Hernandez.

 You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.

 I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.

 Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle.

 Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round?

 Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?

 Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.

 Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on.

 I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.

 That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.

 Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.

 Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way.

 Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.

 Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud.

 Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.

 I know. You know, I almost died in a fire in Des Moines, but I stayed put. FYI, that’s when the Imodium gave out.

 Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

 It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.

 (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me?

 Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

 Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

 So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

 Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

 I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

 Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

 Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

 It is true that many of my heroes have taken students under their wings. Feynman, Einstein, Professor X. Humorously, in the case of Professor X, some of his students actually had wings. That’s rich. I’ll use that one to lighten the mood after my entire class fails the midterm.

 I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious.

 Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

 Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about.

 How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

 Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

 Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

 I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this?

 Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

 Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it.

 Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

 I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

 Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

 Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

 Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

 Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

 You’re not going to do that, and I’ll tell you why. This is an institution of higher learning, I am your professor, and you’re going to treat me with the prop… You shot your spit in my mouth!

 He’s right. And given that you’re probably still waiting to be picked for a game that was played in fifth grade, I’m sure you do suck.

 Well, not just him. May I remind you that you’re talking to the seeker, beater, chaser and water boy of the third place Griffith Park Quidditch team.

 Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.

 I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement.

 If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date.

 At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon.

 Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

 No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum.

 Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.

 I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

 Leonard, I assumed you knew. The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.

 If you’ve got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I’d like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.

 It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

 Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four.

 No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.

 Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.

 It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.

 Why? We won. You know, I say, next, we take on Koothrappali and his dog. Really give ourselves a challenge.

 The answer is one simple test away. Hmm? You know, it’s like when I thought there was a possum in my closet. Did I sit around wondering? No, I sent Leonard in with a pointy stick and a bag.

 I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.

 Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.

 Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot.

 Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.

 Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.

 I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an appointment for you to look at them?

 Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies.

 I’ll give you a plan right now. Step one, open comic book store. Step two, start rumour this comic book store gives you genital warts. Step three, buy a big bag to put the money in.

 On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.

 And we’ll get to have fun interactions with our customers. Like, this isn’t a library, buy it or get out.

 Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up.

 Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.

 I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.

 Yeah, well, of course I am. I was also right about her hair. It did everything but quack.

 Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind.

 Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.

 It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace.

 I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

 I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.

 Oh, really? Since meeting her, what have been your greatest accomplishments?

 Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.

 Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting?

 I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

 Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.

 Wait. I’m confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?

 You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.

 If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application.

 Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

 Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

 Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.

 Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?

 Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here.

 Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?

 Yeah, exactly. Did you know those techniques were used to actually teach pigeons to play ping-pong?

 Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.

 You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault.

 I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.

 Oh, it’s used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.

 Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie.

 Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.

 Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.

 I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies.

 Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

 Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

 Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

 Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

 Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.

 All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule?

 Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.

 Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.

 True. Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry one. Koothrappali’s restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.

 Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.

 Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.

 Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.

 Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.

 That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?

 He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

 This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought.

 You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.

 Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.

 As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.

 My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

 You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.

 It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.

 Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.

 You’re not doing it for me. You’re doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle. (Voice on recorder) Sheldon’s Mine Simulation Log, entry four. My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.

 No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know.

 Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.

 Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.

 Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

 Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

 Why didn’t you get extra peanut sauce? We can both play this game.

 Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

 Oh, please, you know, I’ll tell you how he did it. Implacable, relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection. And she was a urethra that could not shake him.

 Oh, God. Don’t make it so hard on her. Look, the first someone is the deceitful you. The second someone is the delightful Dr. Lorvis.

 Leonard, I was wrong. Heaven does exist. And it’s in the basement of a urologist’s house in Sherman Oaks.

 Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?

 Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.

 Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

 Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.

 You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.

 All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.

 No. I had a date with a proper education. Instead of a tuxedo, I dressed myself in good habits. Instead of spiked punch, I enjoyed the intoxicating flavour of knowledge. Instead of dancing in a gym, I shook my bootyto the seductive rhythms…

 Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank.

 I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.

 We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.

 Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.

 I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.

 What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.

 I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

 Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.

 Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.

 Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.

 I can’t do this. And for your information, Leonard, the upper flermin doesn’t grow between my shoulder blades, it grows out of the belly button on my neck.

 According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.

 What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.

 It’s not just that. Leonard and Penny also made comments about it. And I’m not blind. Even I looked twice when I saw my posterior in these tuxedo pants.

 There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.

 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I love you doesn’t mean girls are allowed in my room.

 But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?

 Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

 Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.

 I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.

 Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

 If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

 Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.

 I suppose that’s true. You’re such a glass half-full kind of guy. I’m going to miss that.

 Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying?

 Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

 Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

 Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

 You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

 I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

 You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

 Thank you. And while you’re thinking about it, if you have the surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can practically guarantee your death.

 Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl.

 Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.

 No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.

 Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.

 I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.

 Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.

 That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

 I suppose we could try to make it a celebration, but he died so young.

 There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside.

 Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.

 The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.

 A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.

 Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you.

 Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out.

 Yeah. Tell me those aren’t the words of a man with a spider eating its way through his brain. Amy, you’re a neuroscientist. Crack his skull open, spray some Raid in there.

 Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in.

 I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.”

 But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.

 And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

 Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded.

 How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights.

 I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

 Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck.

 Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

 Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton.

 Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

 And if I may get serious for a moment, hosting this show has been one crazy ride. But with all its ups and downs, I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Except for now, when I’m giving it up. Before I sign off, I’d, uh, I’d like to share with you all one last use for a white flag. It’s good for times like this. Good night.

 I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

 It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

 Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

 Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.

 You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode.

 You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk

 You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk.

 Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire.

 Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.

 Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

 My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

 Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

 Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.

 Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.

 With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.

 Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.

 That’s right. So stay on my good side, or I’ll get you a little something, too.

 Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.

 I do. Now, let’s find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

 Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.

 Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?

 Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.

 I can’t believe this. You’re happy, I’m happy. Well, maybe a holiday that’s all about giving isn’t so… Get your hand out of that box.

 That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow.

 Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.

 Oh, no, we’ll still be playing it tonight, this game can easily take eight hours.

 Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories.

 You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.

 Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, I’m a problem-solver, it’s what I do.

 Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?

 You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?

 That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties.

 I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.

 Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.

 No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.

 Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here.

 I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.

 Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.

 Uh, well, it’s scary. And sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But, more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can’t take that away from you, so what do I do? Oh, come on, I’m practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.

 Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.

 You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

 Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.

 Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.

 I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.

 I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me.

 It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China.

 Before you leave, could you test these noise-cancelling headphones?

 Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman.

 Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.

 Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.

 I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.

 You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

 Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.

 Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.

 According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.

 You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.

 Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…

 Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?

 Oh, that is infuriating. Ooh, look, they went back up again. Terrific. Oh, no, they went back down.

 Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.

 Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.

 Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.

 Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?

 Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?

 Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

 And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

 You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think?

 Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.

 Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her.

 Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

 I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.

 I know. It’s replaced Godzilla as my principle source of anxiety.

 He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay.

 That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah.

 Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.

 Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.

 Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

 Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?

 Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here.

 No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time.

 Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep.

 Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels.

 Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.

 Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.

 Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.

 For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump.

 When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.

 Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.

 We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.

 My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.

 Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.

 You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I’m about to show this guy just how horny I can be.

 My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.

 We’re just standing behind her. It’s not like we’re gonna say boo and scare her.

 Yeah, I do. Then no matter how he responds, I am going to destroy him with a picture of a bored cat saying oh, really?

 He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is?

 I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.

 Oh, okay, okay, calm down. (Skype tone) It’s him. He’s trying to video chat. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken this into the real world.

 Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

 He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.

 Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.

 Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.

 Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?

 That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

 I’m being petty? You know Barry and I have a professional rivalry. You heard him, he told me to suck eggs. If we were friends, he would have suggested I suck something more pleasant. Why are you laughing? Did you learn something?

 If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.

 No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.

 Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.

 Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.

 Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?

 Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that?

 The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.

 But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.

 What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?

 Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

 She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?

 No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?

 Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.

 I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.

 That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.

 Oh, I can help you with that. Imagine you’re holding an ordinary pen. While your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.

 When I lost my own father, I didn’t have any friends to help me through it. You do.

 I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.

 Oh, that’s nonsense. I proclaimed my love for you. And the last time I looked into your eyes was when you thought you had conjunctivitis.

 Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…

 So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.

 Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope.

 Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.

 Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…

 Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.

 Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

 Oh, I didn’t think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.

 I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

 Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.

 I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.

 Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.

 Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.

 So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday.

 Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.

 The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

 Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.

 Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.

 Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.

 I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

 No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

 And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.

 Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?

 As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible.

 Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

 No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

 After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.

 Yeah. And if he ever goes berserk, I know I can outrun him. Coincidentally, that’s also why I chose you as a roommate.

 Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?

 I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.

 Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.

 Well, based on your reaction, it looks like I made the right choice. Isn’t that right, Giuseppe?

 I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you.

 Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.

 So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?

 Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

 First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.

 Actually, as part of the application, I was required to make a short video answering that very question. You want to see it?

 Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.

 And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.

 I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?

 Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?

 They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?

 Good idea. And since you’ve had such a rough day, I’m gonna let you throw the pie in Leonard’s face.

 Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote.

 I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

 All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.

 Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.

 But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.

 For the record, that kid was a terrible choice. If you cry when you drop your churro, you do not have what it takes to rule England.

 Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that.

 Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.

 An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.

 No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.

 I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.

 It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.

 You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.

 Well, I’d give more examples, but, well, everyone in your position’s so forgettable.

 He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist.

 Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it.

 Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?

 Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.

 Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse SeaWorld where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called Marge. Snow White retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won’t Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.

 Fine. Then Grumpy, what’s he so grumpy about? Maybe his girlfriend won’t take his side.

 Is it my fault that my name came first on the paper alphabetically?

 Is it my fault that when the reporter cited me as the lead scientist I didn’t correct him?

 Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.

 Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day.

 Oh, I’m aware. It features Whoopi Goldberg. She played Guinan on Star Trek: Next Gen. Penny, Next Gen refers to Star Trek…

 I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution.

 Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned.

 Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.

 Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.

 Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.

 I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it.

 Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences.

 I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.

 And rubber gloves, uh, air freshener. Um, noise-cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Um, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Uh, let’s see, we have seat protectors, uh, booties for my shoes, a clothespin for my nose. Oh, and a mirror on a stick, so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn’t some kind of weirdo.

 I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.

 Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?

 So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?

 Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?

 Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.

 Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

 There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.

 You’re blowing it. We want to meet George Lucas and become his friends and play with him.

 I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan?

 All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed.

 What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend.

 I can see the ranch, Leonard. Oh, it’s rustic, it’s lovely. I’d take a picture, but people are chasing me. I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna make it. They have Tasers, but they wouldn’t dare use… Aaaaaaagh!

 Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who…

 Uh, one question about that picture. Can it be with George Lucas? Ooh, grumpy you are.

 Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.

 Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.

 I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.

 And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?

 It was. And even though we’re not allowed back there, they can never take today away from us. Unlike my sense of smell, which hasn’t returned since the Tasing. No, I got nothing.

 I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included.

 Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do.

 I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?

 I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. There you go. As far as you’re concerned, I’m smiling. Although, I must admit, I’m smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.

 You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb.

 Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.

 I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

 It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.

 Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

 Roughing it? Okay. Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

 Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.

 Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?

 Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

 It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room?

 Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.

 There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…

 Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.

 Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

 All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.

 I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.

 Any intelligent organism would at the very least need the ability to locate the position of objects in space. So the ideal interstellar lingua franca would be haptic.

 I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.

 I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.

 How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

 Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.

 Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

 I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

 No, that train has left the station. Now, we can play this one of two ways. You can say, trains, tell me more, or you can just look at me like that and I’ll start.

 All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.

 Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?

 No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.

 Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?

 You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar.

 I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.

 Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.

 Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado.

 Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.

 Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency.

 Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard.

 I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?

 Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?

 No, the guy in charge is in ch… why is everyone so bad at these?

 At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

 All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad.

 Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

 All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

 Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

 Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten… eleven. It’s a good thing I didn’t send that letter.

 We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

 Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon.

 You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

 I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while.

 Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore.

 Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados.

 Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

 Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look?

 You act like I didn’t get you that mushroom log on Valentine’s Day.

 Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?

 Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

 Of course not. I love you. I’m just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.

 Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis?

 Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

 Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.

 Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

 Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

 Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

 Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you.

 It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you.

 Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.

 Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

 I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

 Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares?

 I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?

 Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.

 Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.

 Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.

 Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.

 Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.

 Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.

 Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

 If that happens, don’t make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

 No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.

 That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.

 But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.

 Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?

 Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?

 My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt.

 Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think…

 Well, Gollum, you’re an expert on rings. What do I do with this one?

 Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

 Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

 Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care.

 Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

 The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

 Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

 Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

 Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

 I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom.

 I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

 Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

 Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date.

 I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head.

 No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

 It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

 Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

 Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.

 Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

 Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

 Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

 Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

 Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

 Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

 Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

 Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

 No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

 You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me.

 And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

 Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

 You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

 Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve.

 Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems.

 Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.

 I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage.

 I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.

 Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.

 You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.

 Well, if you want to see less of me, maybe we should go out again.

 I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do.

 On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.

 Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?

 Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Hmm. Tables work, too. Good to know.

 Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.

 Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.

 In Leonard? Oh, even the Sparkletts guy could see that’s unlikely.

 But enough about the Czech Republic. Let’s talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn’t. And yet Romania gets dumped. I’ll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?

 I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I watch movies, I see what people do.

 Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco.

 Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.

 Is it that the glucosinolates which give mustard its flavour were evolved by the cabbage family as a chemical defence against caterpillars?

 Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud?

 You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?

 Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.

 Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.

 How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.

 You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.

 I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.

 What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?

 If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone’s shoulders and never coming down.

 Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.

 Everybody hold on. Let’s take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we’re calling it leever or lehver. And the sooner we decide it’s leever, the sooner we can roll up our sleeves, not slehves, and get to work.

 Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.

 Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.

 Yes, we could use science. But it’s your bachelor party. Lighten up.

 What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit.

 All right, this rust, combined with the aluminium recovered from the van, is now thermite.

 Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

 Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?

 So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?

 No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.

 You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.

 As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.

 I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.

 Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.

 Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

 Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion.

 No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.

 It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches?

 In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

 I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go?

 You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.

 But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

 I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

 They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

 Fine, then I was like Pinocchio before that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.

 Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.

 No, just because I’m living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn’t mean I’m delusional. And since it is 2003, I don’t know who you are, so please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.

 In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot.

 No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.

 How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too.

 No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.

 You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.

 All right, great. Just give me one minute, and I’ll get started on a new roommate agreement. Yeah. nothing from Pratt, we’re good.

 According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

 Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.

 And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.

 Technically, swashbuckler is a combination of two terms. Swash referring to the sound of the sword. Swash. And then buckler meaning a small shield, which you don’t have.

 Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.

 Uh, yes, I’m aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I’ll get called into Human Resources.

 You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.

 If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.

 That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you’re worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I’m going to touch you all over.

 Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems.

 True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.

 There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.

 Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.

 Ah, what might have been. And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.

 And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me.

 It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.

 Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.

 Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.

 Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical.

 A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.

 That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

 A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

 He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?

 Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball.

 Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?

 Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van.

 Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?

 Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.

 Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.

 Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.

 Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it?

 Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination.

 Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.

 Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.

 Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?

 Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.

 Did you hear that, Leonard? There’s plenty we could do about it. Do you have a card?

 Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.

 Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?

 It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

 Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.

 That’s true. There’s the U.S. Air Force, U.S. Department of Defence, U.S. Navy, you and I are going to jail.

 Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way.

 He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison.

 You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.

 Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.

 I don’t like being extorted like this. Especially by him of all people.

 How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties?

 Absolutely. But don’t be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.

 Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

 Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

 Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

 This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I’m sure if there’s nudity, it will be tasteful.

 Oh, it’s nice to meet you. I admire your father’s work very much. It’s not every day I get to meet someone whose life’s journey began in my hero’s scrotum.

 All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt.

 The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

 I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television.

 I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there.

 No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.

 All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

 Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil.

 Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.

 No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

 No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

 No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best.

 Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe.

 Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

 Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

 Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

 Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I’ve put this Amy nonsense behind me.

 Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary?

 Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau.

 Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

 I’m going to find her and ask her to marry me. And if she says yes, we can put this behind us and resume our relationship. And if she says no, well, then she can just ponfo miran.

 Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?

 They’d just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.

 Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.

 Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion.

 I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.

 No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.

 Ooh, that’s a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. You know what? You eat it. You’re married, it doesn’t matter what you look like.

 Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.

 Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness.

 All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.

 All right, fine, she doesn’t need her own point of view. Now, chop-chop.

 Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person.

 Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.

 Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.

 Oh, we’ll make the puzzles extremely challenging to eliminate unworthy candidates.

 Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.

 And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.

 Well, by that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy, eh? Not to cast aspersions, but I can’t shake a stick around here without hitting that.

 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.

 Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence.

 I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.

 She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. Well, I wouldn’t coitus her with your genitals.

 Hey. Good news, everybody. Now that I’m no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria. Who wants it? Well, you realize you won’t be going alone, I’ll be there the whole time. Providing fish and pilgrim facts. Can you people hear me?

 Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets.

 No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.

 And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.

 Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.

 I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.

 If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?

 No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?

 I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use.

 Very well. I know you’ve been seeing other men. Have you had coitus with any of them?

 How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.

 You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?

 I believe you. I’d believe you more if you threw a few Apple Jacks in here.

 It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.

 Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.

 Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?

 Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.

 Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends.

 Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.

 Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.

 Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.

 Good. Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I’m gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.

 Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.

 Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that?

 I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.

 Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

 I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.

 I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.

 This is Penny. She is your friend. If she offers you food, it’s safe to take it. You probably paid for it, anyway.

 Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.

 Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness.

 Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.

 The list extends outside of science. Painters like Van Gogh and Pollock, chess champion Bobby Fischer, Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. (Clip of Darling by the Beach Boys) I remember the song. It’s called Darlin’ by the Beach Boys. Oh, thank goodness. I’m not crazy. I don’t have to take a pigeon as my bride.

 Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.

 It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy?

 I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind.

 Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.

 All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.

 Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.

 And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed.

 But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming?

 In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.

 Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.

 Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

 I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you.

 See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.

 No, I can’t. I need to make preparations for Amy’s birthday. Which leads me to the following bit of business. This is my ticket to Star Wars. I don’t have to tell you it is worth far more than its face value of fifteen dollars and fifty cents. I trust you’ll give it to someone worthy.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.

 Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.

 Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.

 Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.

 Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival.

 No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.

 Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left.

 Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.

 I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.

 This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.

 Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.

 No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.

 I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.

 Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.

 I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.

 Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice.

 Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.

 Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do.

 I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.

 Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.

 Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

 Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

 A doctor? Well, I hope you’re not contagious. I’ve got a weekend in the telescope room I’ve been excited about for almost three minutes.

 Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

 Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.

 It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?

 Oh. I guess I’m a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.

 Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.

 Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.

 That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.

 I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.

 We better choose a name no one can make fun of. Sir Frederick William Herschel didn’t do Uranus any favours.

 Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.

 Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.

 Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.

 It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.

 I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.

 Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.

 Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.

 Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.

 My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.

 Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.

 No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.

 Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.

 I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke.

 Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.

 I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me.

 Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.

 You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?

 I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?

 You know, I’m not the only one who’s unpleasant when they’re sick. When Penny got food poisoning, she threw up so loudly I could barely hear the television.

 I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.

 Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?

 You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.

 I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.

 I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.

 Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.

 Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.

 Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry.

 I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.

 Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?

 What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.

 Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

 No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute.

 All right, that’s eight hours of practice down the drain. And to memorialise this occasion, here are your commemorative T-shirts.

 I’m afraid it can’t. The trip is tomorrow. And I have more apologies to make.

 Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…?

 And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas.

 That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?

 And, Emily, I’m sorry for saying dermatologists aren’t real doctors. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing that.

 Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces…

 I believe I can answer that. Uh, like me, Raj is demonstrating empathy. Now, why don’t you accept my apology receive your free T-shirt, uh, I hope extra small is okay. For some reason Wolowitz took a medium.

 Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…

 I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.

 No. As a fight, it was excellent. She used harsh language and slammed the door. Although as I say this, that might not have been what you were asking.

 Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.

 Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.

 Well, I’ve been on a little trip myself recently. Not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you’ll come back with is personal growth.

 My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet.

 Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.

 Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali.

 So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.

 Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.

 Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth.

 Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.

 And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is.

 Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.

 Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart.

 Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw.

 No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.

 You were so cute, huffin’ and puffin’. There’s Amy. I just know you’re gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense. Hello. Come in, say hi to my Meemaw.

 Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her.

 Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.

 A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.

 Amy, why don’t you look excited? Well, you get to watch me play with this.

 Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass.

 Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.

 But why? Other than you two fighting, we’re having such a good time.

 My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up.

 All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced?

 Yeah, I know. It was quite tense. So here’s the million dollar question, uh, who wants to pop over there and get my trains?

 Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.

 Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.

 Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress.

 If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.

 You know, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident. I just got in and went somewhere.

 I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day.

 Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.

 Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.

 So from now on, this program will be officially known as Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present Dr. Sheldon’ Cooper’s Fun With Flags.

 Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper…

 It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.

 Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Uh, uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.

 Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you.

 I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba.

 Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.

 Well, you know, here is something that might cheer you up. The flag of the Isle of Man is nothing but three legs sharing a weird pair of underpants, so you think you got problems.

 All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with.

 Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us.

 Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.

 When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they…

 I’m glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose. No, no, no, no. Other side. There you go.

 Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.

 Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

 Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?

 Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.

 Oh, but then we’d have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.

 Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.

 This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?

 That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?

 You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There’s people cooking in it.

 This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

 All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.

 Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.

 You’re welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.

 Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.

 A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.

 You’re kidding. What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else’s bedroom?

 Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you.

 Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

 Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

 When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

 Very well. You may celebrate my life by throwing a party with cake, presents and a shower of admiration and love. But then you owe me big-time.

 Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car.

 Well, my favourite is chocolate with strawberry frosting, three layers, and if there’s writing on it, make sure it’s not all caps. I don’t need my dessert yelling at me.

 But this is my birthday suit. Are you having a stroke? Because that’s the kind of thing that just ruins a birthday party.

 No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this.

 Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason.

 I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

 I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

 Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

 Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

 Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

 That’s how you do it, Wolowitz. Now you see why he’s famous and you’re not.

 And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

 You know, I used to hate these hugs. Now they’re just extremely irritating.

 I’ve never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.

 That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?

 Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists.

 To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs.

 I’ll say it looks good. It’s in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.

 Excuse me. I’ve been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn’t need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don’t need one now.

 If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.

 Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.

 Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.

 No, I am not saying that, because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.

 Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.

 Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot.

 Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.

 And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.

 Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

 The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

 Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

 Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

 Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

 Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

 Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

 Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

 Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

 No, I meant turn right, and you missed it. Maybe you do need to know.

 Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

 It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

 Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent.

 I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

 I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

 Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

 I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.

 What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

 Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime.

 I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face.

 Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.

 Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.

 Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.

 I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars.

 Well, cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now’s the time.

 Once. The battery ran out on my phone. I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.

 Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on.

 Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.

 Oh, well now, we’ll never win. You always play the drinking game.

 Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening?

 No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.

 No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.

 All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won.

 Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party.

 I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.

 Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.

 Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.

 And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

 He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow.

 Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.

 Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.

 There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing.

 Oh, I don’t know. Theon Greyjoy looks pretty good for a guy who had his genitals cut off.

 Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster.

 Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.

 Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.

 It’s not always because they die. In one case, it’s because they’ve become involved with underground tree people from the dawn of time. Yeah, but I won’t say who it is. It’s Brann.

 Well, I’ll catch you up. Uh, Penny is angry at Leonard, Leonard’s angry at me and Penny, I’m angry at Leonard and Amy, Raj is angry at Howard, and I’m angry at George R.R. Martin ’cause there are no new books for me to spoil for Leonard.

 Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death.

 Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store.

 Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.

 They don’t wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You’re thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.

 If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?

 Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

 I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember.

 Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

 I shouldn’t have to see my girlfriend get groped in public by another man.

 Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

 Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to.

 Well, little lady, you’ve heard of party hearty, get ready to party hardly.

 You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

 You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

 Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

 Eh, maybe it’s your voice. I’m gonna see if I can get James Earl Jones to do it in post.

 Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

 Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

 Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

 Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

 Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

 Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it.

 Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

 When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it.

 What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

 Well, other than when they’re chugging through your bowels, these things are magic.

 Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

 Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

 I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

 You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

 Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

 Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

 Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

 I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

 You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

 Well, mind you now, that offer’s only good until the third trimester. I can’t risk getting amniotic fluid on my spot.

 No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

 Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.

 See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe.

 Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.

 She can cover it in a car ride? I could do 40 minutes on your posture alone.

 Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers.

 Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go.

 You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.

 You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

 Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?

 I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?

 Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.

 Oh, thanks, you’re a peach. Beverly, we’ll catch up soon. Bernadette, it was a pleasure as always, Penny, you have spinach in your teeth.

 It went well. Yeah, I’ve learned that if you never say you’re sorry, the times you do really puts them on their heels. Uh, Stuart, I relieve you of your line duties.

 Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.

 Mrs. Wunch in fourth grade. And my slogan was a line that’s straight is a line that’s great.

 They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government?

 Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?

 Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.

 You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.

 Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…

 Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.

 Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.

 Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.

 Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.

 You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

 Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

 I don’t know what we were worried about, they’re getting along great.

 Yeah, I do. They’re filling up on bread and ruining their meal.

 If I’d known you were broke, I wouldn’t have made a big deal about the bread.

 I think it’s pretty obvious. They don’t want dessert ’cause they filled up on bread.

 I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.

 Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?

 Hey, if you want me to sleep you’re gonna have to stop talking.

 Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?

 Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.

 You know, also, if they did have coitus, we’ll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.

 Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold?

 A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker.

 What? In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can’t be the only one that knows that’s halfway.

 What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

 Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

 But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents?

 Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.

 Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years.

 Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.

 Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don’t always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you. 

 Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?

 Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?

 I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.

 I don’t see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.

 Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?

 This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.

 All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?

 Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?

 Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?

 Yeah, we’ll do it in two. Hi. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I’m the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren’t real scientists, MIT’s a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. But otherwise, thank you for your service.

 Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.

 Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.

 Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

 See, that’s exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.

 The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.

 Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts.

 Fine. (Time passing montage) I don’t think I can go much longer.

 I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.

 I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.

 Gentlemen, I am ready to work. To quote The Martian, let’s science the faeces out of this. That’s The Martian the book and The Martian the movie, not Marvin the Martian. Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.

 Oh, I’m fantastic, never been better. I had my first energy drink and I feel great. Hey, you guys want to wrestle? We can do arm, thumb, mud, sumo. Nah, we’re not fat enough, or wearing diapers.

 No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.

 No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.

 Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.

 Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track?

 All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…

 No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.

 I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

 The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.

 Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven.

 If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it.

 Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.

 Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste. 

 Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.

 You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.

 Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.

 Well, now, don’t be surprised if, like Star Trek, it’s cancelled in three.

 Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.

 Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?

 Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.

 This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.

 You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.

 Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.

 No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose.

 Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.

 Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?

 Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.

 Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.

 Although now I’m kind of worried someone’s hiding behind those drapes.

 Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.

 Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.

 Okay, well, I am sorry. I’m just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat, I’m surprised there aren’t iguanas lying on it.

 Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?

 Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?

 Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.

 Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

 Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule?

 Oh, look who’s in favour of compromise, the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.

 Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.

 Don’t blame me. Blame your pal, biology. He’s the pervert pulling the strings here.

 When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto 

 Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?

 I know. Sometimes I would just like to be appreciated for my mind.

 If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.

 Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.

 Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, hubba hubba, like any other guy.

 No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry.

 Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.

 Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.

 My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.

 I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first

 We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.

 Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.

 Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

 I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.

 That must have hurt watching me look for other women without ever even considering you. Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.

 I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule.

 Amy, you should know I was never really interested in seeing other women. And to prove how serious I am about us, I’m willing to take our relationship to the next level. 

 We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

 All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

 Oh, don’t be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That’s called teamwork.

 You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.

 Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

 Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

 Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

 The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.

 Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up.

 Stuart, this is Bert from the Caltech geology lab, and this is Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

 Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

 Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I’m glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.

 Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

 All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

 You know, in fact, I’d like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.

 No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

 You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

 You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

 Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

 And welcome to the first on location episode of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present…

 Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.

 So, let’s roll up our sleevis and get to know Nevis. (Drumroll) Well, I, I like that, but next time check with me.

 Buda and Pest united to form Budapest. And that’s why Budapest is the Budabest. Now.

 Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.

 I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.

 You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.

 Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.

 I have a feeling you’re still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.

 Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.

 Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.

 Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.

 Oh. Well, I feel both flattered and hurt. Like when people say I look like that skeleton from Nightmare Before Christmas.

 Well, I won’t tolerate deception in my relationship. I have no choice but to confront her.

 Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk.

 Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?

 jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?)

 Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

 Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants.

 Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.

 But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?

 Do you know 2001: A Space Odyssey? All right, now that’s soothing.

 Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard?

 Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.

 Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.

 Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.

 On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.

 No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…

 Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful.

 I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. 

 Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?

 What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s

 Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.

 Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab.

 Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.

 Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

 Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

 Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

 Okay, fine. Let’s just agree that both creations are special in their own way and it is foolish to try and compare them. Although, we didn’t need to have sex with Howard for ours, so we win.

 Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge.

 Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.

 Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!

 Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.

 I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.

 Very well. Oops, how clumsy of me. You know what? Let me get that. Hey. Where are you going? I, did you even look at my bottom?

 Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.

 Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.

 Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.

 Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle.

 Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.

 You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.

 I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.

 Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?

 You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.

 I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.

 Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it.

 Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you.

 Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.

 And that men of his large stature are more susceptible to a wide array of life-threatening diseases.

 Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself.

 Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives.

 Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.

 You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again.

 No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain, and hit my head on the water fountain.

 I’m so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.

 I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. 

 Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.

 I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.

 We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.

 Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t?

 I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it.

 I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.

 Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

 You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

 It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

 You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

 Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

 Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

 Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment’s really shaping up.

 Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

 I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.

 Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

 For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

 Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.

 If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

 All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

 So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

 My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

 Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

 That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.

 Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?

 I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

 I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.

 Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

 In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

 I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.

 This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

 And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

 We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. 

 Yeah. I’m afraid so. Childbirth, looming coitus? This is a banner night for female genitals.

 Wolowitz might hand out cigars. I had to find my bubble gum cigar so I could join in without looking foolish.

 Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly.

 I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

 Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

 No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

 Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

 Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

 What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

 Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

 She’s right. You know, I just learned Amy went to a theme park without me, but I’m not going to ruin her birthday. I’ll wait, and ruin 24 individual hours sprinkled throughout the year. Boop.

 I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable.

 Raj, show some compassion. Those are things that we think but don’t say.

 Oh, speaking of personal growth, I recently tried eating Swiss chard. You know, I didn’t swallow it, but Amy said it counted.

 Some will be successful, some may be homeless. It’s fun to think about.

 It was. Bernadette had her baby, I made it to Wizarding World, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration. Hankius pankius.

 Amy, I just saw a magic train and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that’s not foreplay, I don’t know what is.

 Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating.

 Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar?

 It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way.

 Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.

 There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.

 Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower.

 Given that your hands prepared it, isn’t that a little self-serving?

 Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

 All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.

 What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.

 What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

 I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato.

 Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was.

 Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.

 Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

 You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…

 I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

 I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.

 Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.

 So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.

 What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. 

 How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

 Well, there’s really not much left to tell. I decided that my mother views me as a child because I never went through a rebellious phase, so, I got an earring. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) My mother made me take it out. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) Amy put alcohol on it. (Flashback to Sheldon screaming.) And here we are.

 So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

 Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

 What? Is there another twist coming? Is the baby not theirs at all?

 It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

 Thank you, Internet. I’m telling you, with the right YouTube video, I can give Howard a vasectomy.

 Oh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife’s genitals and he gets time off.

 I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives.

 That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

 Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

 Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

 Amy is free. She had a harp lesson on Saturday but it got cancelled. Boy, when you take an interest in people, you really uncork a geyser of nonsense. 

 You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

 Well, if x equals the amount that you’ll miss me, then I’ll miss you x plus one.

 You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

 Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

 Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. It’s like when I first encountered the Pythagorean theorem. You know, I was blown away that the square of the hypotenuse was the sum of the squares of the opposite sides. But now I’m just like, eh.

 Never mind. You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you. Are you sure you should be going there?

 Very well. You got married spur of the moment, I don’t see why your divorce should be any different.

 You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. 

 Very well. Hey, later we’ll check out the minibar, I’ll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.

 Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh. 

 Oh good, you’re here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmas’s?

 I get to write a contract? I say, let’s get this party of the first part started.

 Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

 That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?

 Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.

 So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.

 Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.

 Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.

 We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.

 Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

 Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.

 Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.

 A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.

 It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them.

 Wonderful. Although I’m not sure how I feel about being used as a guinea pig.

 Really? Uh, little tip: jokes are often better when you end them with wocka wocka or ha-cha-cha.

 Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time.

 Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right. 

 And you’re worried that turkey neck is in your future. What, now, see, now it says you’re mad. Make up your mind.

 Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.

 What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone.

 Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters.

 You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.

 I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.

 It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.

 Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.

 I feel the same way about you. Now, put your glasses back on. You look weird.

 Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase.

 Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away. Anyway, I, uh, trust that you’ve resolved your conflict.

 I did. You know, I’m not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

 Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?

 I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.

 Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

 Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

 Congratulations. The bearer of this certificate is entitled to the ultimate train experience at The Nevada Northern Railway. You are at the throttle. You are the engineer. You are running the locomotive. This doesn’t happen very often, but here comes a hug. Oh, dear, I have to tinkle again.

 You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive.

 No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

 Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

 Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

 Oh, get this. I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual. I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh. There’s forward, uh, reverse, set the brakes. Are you done yet? You’re missing

 Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

 I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

 Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

 Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish.

 Leonard, in the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked, then it clacked, click-clack clickety-clack, and here we are. Whoo-whoo.

 Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

 Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

 Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

 Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

 Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.

 Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time.

 You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage.

 Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that.

 If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.

 If you think that’s more fun than talking to Zachary Quinto through a stall door, you’re crazy.

 Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.

 Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again.

 No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.

 Is it safe to assume you’re not speaking to me again? If you’re not answering because you’re not speaking to me, perhaps we could come up with a signal. That works.

 Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together.

 I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.

 This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.

 That lady has a name. I don’t know what it is, but one time I accidentally called her mom.

 I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.

 I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.

 Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.

 Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.

 Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?

 All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.

 Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.

 Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.

 Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

 No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

 You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.

 Very well. Hey, Comic-Con tickets go on sale this Friday. You can’t buy one.

 You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

 You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard.

 Your father may have spoiled you, but I won’t. If you want a ticket to Comic-Con, I suggest you figure out a way to earn the money yourself.

 That’s probably my fault. She may have heard about my cool Dumbledore costume.

 No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

 I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

 I should hope so. When she called me an insensitive jerk, I’d like to think she meant it.

 I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

 He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

 So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

 Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years.

 Are you listening to this? They deceive each other about everything.

 Yeah, well, get this, neither does Penny, that’s why she doesn’t want to go. You set ’em up, I knock ’em down, good job.

 Well, with as much debt as you have, probably not next year either.

 When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight.

 I’m a big boy, and if I missed one, I’d throw a big-boy tantrum.

 That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.

 What? Can’t a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball-and-socket joint?

 Well, maybe what’s in my pants will change your mind. It’s a list of this year’s panelists. It’s long, isn’t it?

 Wow. I’m starting to think you didn’t mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.

 Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine.

 Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.

 If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.

 If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it.

 I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.

 Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. 

 I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.

 Yes, probably. But until we know for sure, how can I feel better?

 It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello.

 Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj.

 Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too.

 Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.

 Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.

 I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.

 Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.

 Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days.

 Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.

 Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?

 I had no idea all our relationships were such a disaster. Boy, you’re good.

 Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?

 Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.

 No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.

 Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.

 Yes, you’re fine as long as you have a buffer living with you to distract from your marital problems. It used to be me. Now it’s Raj and his attack Tribble. Anyway, I’m sorry for everything. Oh, and FYI, if you cry while they’re fighting, they’ll take you to McDonald’s.

 Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.

 Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. 

 What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?

 That is true. Did you know I figured out in which order I would eat all my friends in the event of an apocalypse?

 Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting.

 Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.

 So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.

 Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle.

 Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up?

 Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait.

 Well, don’t get me wrong. Neurobiology’s nothing more than the science of gray squishy stuff. But, you know, when it connects to physics, gas up the Ford, Martha, we’re going for a drive.

 I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation.

 It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

 That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.

 All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.

 Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish,

 Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.

 Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.

 Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.

 Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense.

 Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.

 All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.

 No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.

 Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.

 Oh, that is much better. Yeah, boy, if good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we’d be in good shape.

 Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive.

 Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

 It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

 Name calling, that is perfect. Now, when I get to this equation here, really let me have it. You know? If it helps, I’m not the sharpest dresser.

 Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk.

 Yeah, that list is strong. Like your mother’s urge to be promiscuous with sailors.

 I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

 Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.

 Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already.

 These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup.

 The coefficient isn’t lambda, it’s lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?

 You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.

 Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler, way.

 Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.

 Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.

 Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.

 What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?

 Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?

 Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.

 Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.

 What’s the big deal? It’s full of classified information about the air force project.

 That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor.

 Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

 Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?

 And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we’re calling…

 Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

 So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

 Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

 Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

 And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments. 

 Bert, you’re tying up the line. My apologies to all of you trying to call in with legitimate flag comments.

 Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am.

 Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night.

 She’s younger and far more attractive than he is. They’re copying you two.

 Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.

 I’d say she’s copying you again, but I’m getting tired of sitting in the hall.

 Okay. So, Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, it appears

 Comments from our Behind the Flags retrospective. Get this, people are calling it the longest one yet.

 He’s not wrong. It was your crackpot idea that he deserves love.

 You and Leonard don’t have anything in common. Maybe you should break up.

 Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour.

 So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?

 Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

 Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together. 

 No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.

 I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

 I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging.

 The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.

 Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion.

 Jab mein aat saal ka tha maine seekha tha. (I did that when I was eight) 

 Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

 Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

 You’re just using food to mask the fear that you’re fundamentally unlovable and therefore going to be alone forever.

 Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else.

 Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

 Drag out our mattress and put it over here, then go across the hall, get their mattress and put it over here. But before you do any of that, scratch my nose.

 Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

 Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

 It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

 This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. 

 I hope his character doesn’t make it into the movie, he’s kind of a bummer.

 Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside?

 You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It’s too bad I enjoy doing them so much. The Air Force did it again. They’re erasing our lives.

 I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.

 You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.

 Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.

 No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?

 Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.

 I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.

 Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?

 Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.

 What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.

 Yes. I may have lost my guidance system and my girlfriend, but I still have a colon full of yesterday’s meals to keep me company. Although, thanks to your high fibre breakfast, I’m sure that’ll be leaving me, too.

 What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.

 Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.

 No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.

 The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.

 Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…

 Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.

 Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.

 All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.

 Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod.

 Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.

 It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?

 Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. 

 And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.

 Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.

 Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking.

 Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

 I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

 Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc.

 Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

 Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself?

 Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

 Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

 Yes. I think you’d like her. She’s extremely intelligent, just like you. Unlike you, she’s tall, blonde and used to be an Olympic swimmer.

 I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub.

 Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

 That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

 Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

 Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me.

 I miss you, too. Hey, this is good timing. Remember that Dr. Nowitzki I told you about? She’s right here.

 I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

 Hey, I hate to break up the party, but Amy says I’m tired and have to go to bed.

 That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

 Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

 Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

 I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill.

 Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating.

 And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?

 Well, that would raise a number of problems. We’re colleagues. I’m currently in a relation… Excuse me a moment.

 Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.

 Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

 I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

 Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

 Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

 At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

 Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

 Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak. 

 Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School. 

 You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

 That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode.

 What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female?

 I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.

 That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn’t participate. However briefly.

 To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.

 No, Sheldon, there’s not going to be a scene. There’s two of us and one of him.

 Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

 Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

 And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.

 Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone.

 Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don’t get hooked on me.

 Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.

 Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?

 Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.

 Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.

 I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.

 Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves.

 We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this.

 Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half. 

 Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math. 

 What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

 Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)

 Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?

 Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.

 When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place.

 Oh, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).

 Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

 Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?

 No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

 I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean.

 You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

 Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.

 You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny?

 It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.

 Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?

 Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium. 

 Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.

 Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.

 Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!

 Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?

 Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side. 

 That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?

 Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?

 Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn’t move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway. 

 You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song. 

 I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos. 

 I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots. 

 It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me. 

 No, but you’re right. I should march over there and ask her out. 

 By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos. 

 No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. 

 I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!

 If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack.

 Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.

 Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.

 I can’t because if I don’t show up she’ll still be expecting you.

 Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)

 Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go. 

 Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.

 What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?

 Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.

 You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back.

 Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything?

 Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens. 

 Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs. 

 Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today. 

 Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back.

 Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes. 

 You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?

 Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.

 Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back. 

 I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”

 Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out.

 Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s shove off. (Exits)

 I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.

 Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?

 If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available. 

 Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 

 Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn’t want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy. 

 Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?

 Gee, Sheldon, you’re asking the wrong girl. I’m usually on the other side of the tie. 

 Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh?

 I’m sorry, I’ve got to run, if you come up with an adjective, text me. (Leaves). 

 Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go! 

 Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person.

 You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent.

 Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy. 

 Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention? 

 I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews. 

 I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster. 

 Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing…

 Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!

 Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.

 Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight. 

 For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey. 

 Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven. 

 Oh, Sheldon, I’m sorry but there aren’t going to be any parades or judges or prizes. 

 No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights. 

 I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people. 

 Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).

 Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.

 Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down. 

 No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree. 

 If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can’t take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)

 Well, there’s this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christie, well anyway she called me up and she’s like “Hey, how’s California,” and I’m like “Awesome” ‘cos, you know, it’s not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she’s invited herself out here to stay with me. 

 Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family. 

 Ugh, I cannot believe Christie let Howard into my apartment.    

 I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?

 I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don’t you just have breakfast in bed? 

 Hi fellas. Oh, where’s your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?

 Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth.

 You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know. 

 Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?

 Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend. 

 Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend. 

 Sheldon, think this through, you’re going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

 You’re right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact. 

 Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he’s charging his plasma rifle. 

 Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?

 Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India. 

 Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?

 Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.

 Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?

 Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.

 Um, Raj, honey, you say you can’t talk to women but… you’ve been talking to me.

 I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail. 

 Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card. 

 Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more! 

 Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like. 

 If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.

 Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you.

 Go ahead, tell my parents why they won’t have any grandchildren.

 Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.

 Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap). 

 The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv. 

 I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers. 

 It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates. 

 Okay… if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.

 Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

 Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically. 

 Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis. 

 So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?

 Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings. 

 Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. 

 Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard…

 Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it. 

 Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend. 

 You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out. 

 Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.

 Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but…

 Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s 

 Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don’t….

 Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.

 Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.

 I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.

 Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse.

 See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2.

 Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn’t get it and I couldn’t figure out why?

 It’s not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know. 

 Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.

 I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there? 

 I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again. 

 It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at. 

 Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?

 I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?

 So she’s expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach? 

 It’s okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm…ian

 Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not. 

 What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over. 

 Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.

 Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.

 The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.

 And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide. 

 Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska.

 Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend.

 Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious.

 No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.)

 You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn’t have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup? 

 I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.) 

 Howard’s sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour? 

 Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. 

 Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything.

 Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before? 

 Okay, ground rules, no sponge baths, and definitely no enemas. 

 Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 

 Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? 

 I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. 

 I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition… ooh, look, chocolate milk. 

 It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach.

 You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.

 So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is. 

 Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help. 

 Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. 

 I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello.

 A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle. 

 When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. 

 No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf. 

 Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.

 Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, we’re having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, who’s agreed to join us here at the University.

 I don’t think you mean we can’t. I think you mean we shouldn’t. 

 Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award.

 I’d be more interested in a scene depicting Spock’s conception. 

 Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question? 

 After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?

 Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.

 Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.

 Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.

 Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)

 Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people. 

 No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!

 Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team. 

 Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team. 

 Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more. 

 Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl? 

 Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?

 Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears. 

 Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct. 

 Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team. 

 My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”

 I’m settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?

 I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive?

 It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it. 

 Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it’s not… never mind. 

 Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!

 Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.

 Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this…

 No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that…

 Oh please, it’s not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

 Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.

 Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines. 

 Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.)

 I’m packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell. 

 Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

 Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.

 I’m glad you agree. I hired some guys to help us move it, come on in fellas. (A pair of Morlocks come through the door.)

 Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.

 Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and… I’m sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)

 And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate.

 Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day. 

 Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.

 I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right? 

 He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.

 Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.

 Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?

 Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister. 

 Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate. 

 Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring. 

 I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)

 Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte. 

 Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.

 Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with? 

 Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people. 

 I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.) 

 Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you.

 Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist. 

 Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…

 So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?

 I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody’s until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.

 What was it called, “I hate my son and that’s why he can’t have cake?” 

 Okay, here’s the deal, we are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.

 Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend? 

 Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party. 

 Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink. 

 Well, Sheldon, you’re his friend. Friends give each other presents.

 Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.

 Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them. 

 Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available. 

 No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.)

 Oh, I’ll tell you what’s going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you. (exit)

 Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn’t want to talk. 

 For God’s sake, Sheldon, if you don’t like the tangerine chicken, don’t order the tangerine chicken.

 I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard.

 Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting. 

 Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out. 

 Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down? 

 Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time. 

 Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me…

 Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with.

 No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well. 

 But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years. 

 Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about. 

 Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous. 

 Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it. 

 Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?

 Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl. 

 No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac? 

 So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me. 

 Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college. 

 Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser. 

 You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates. 

 Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this. 

 Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment. 

 Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?

 Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?

 How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.

 For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?

 I’m coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)

 Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it. 

 Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.

 Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy.

 Hi guys. Looks like you’ve been to the Renaissance fair. I’m hoping.

 By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz?

 Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear.

 What? I’ve dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle.

 Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.

 I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way.

 Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something?

 Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists.

 Okay, now my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you will ever meet. So… Sweet lady. It always tickles when she hugs me. (Sheldon knocks and enters again.) What now?

 Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume.

 Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.

 Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.)

 Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something.

 Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends.

 You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it.

 Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with.

 Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.

 Okay, well, for one thing we expect quantii space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colours.

 I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.)

 Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?

 I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.

 No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.)

 No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old.

 Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?

 Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain.

 Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?

 Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).

 No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?

 Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?

 Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I’m just not sure it’s the right move for my character.

 It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.

 Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.

 Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon) It’s for you.

 Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming.

 You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?

 Right, I heard you’ve been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.

 Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.

 Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)

 Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in.

 Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?

 Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die!

 Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five.

 Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?

 Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.

 Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.

 Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner.

 Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive.

 Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?

 And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.

 Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.

 I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.

 Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.

 It’s fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They’re going to digitally add a supernova, they say it’s the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.

 Oh, I’m sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

 Oh, you’re welcome. Of course, I couldn’t get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that’s for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.

 And you guys aren’t going? I can’t believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you’re not even going to be there to support him?

 Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can’t believe it took you a whole year.

 Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.

 Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point.

 That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people.

 And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.

 Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment.

 Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements.

 Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay?

 Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks.

 Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application?

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next!

 This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.

 I haven’t configured it yet. Let’s see… Bradley tank… transport truck…  Batmobile…

 Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.

 How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria?

 I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that.

 Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive!

 Fine. Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?

 So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant.

 Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons?

 Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe.

 Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?

 Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here.

 Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.

 So funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.

 Time which would be better spent tackling the great physics problems of our day.

 There won’t be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.

 Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming?

 Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and

 Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.

 Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games.

 Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning!

 Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on?

 That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth.

 The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod.

 You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.

 Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem?

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away.

 You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model.

 Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz.

 Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

 Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats.

 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up.

 Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.

 Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.

 There you go, quesadilla, salad, there’s your pizza, and thanks to Sheldon’s heated discussion with my manager one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.

 Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.

 Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone.

 Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?

 Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you.

 Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.

 Noticed the eye patch, did you? It’s all part of a technique I’ve been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.

 Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there.

 Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5.

 Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.

 No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?”

 I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she’s here. She doesn’t exactly have clearance.

 Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding.

 You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years.

 Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.

 The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

 It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks.

 Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.

 Oh, okay, all right, you know what? I’ll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.

 Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

 I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. Don’t spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it, that doesn’t work at all, no matter how much you put on.

 Leonard, you’re going to have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted, I thought it was cute.

 Are you insane? Now she’s going to think I’m desperate. You’ve destroyed this relationship! And you want to know what the worst part is? You don’t even understand what you did wrong because you can’t conceive of something that you are not an expert in!

 Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.

 Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments?

 Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.

 She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear!

 Look, I’m just saying, um, Penny is one of our many neighbours, you know, and in our building, neighbours come and go, it’s very casual, no dress code. In fact, some mornings I’ll just mosey down to the third floor in my pyjamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

 A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?

 You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it.

 Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special.

 Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree.

 Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return.

 See ya. ‘Bye, Penny. Have fun. (Bangs head on door. Sheldon opens it.)

 Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear.

 Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation.

 Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.

 Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armour plate exoskeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.

 Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball.

 Look, normally I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you’re a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon.

 Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto.

 There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid.

 Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.

 Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile.

 But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote.

 Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules.

 I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war.

 Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.

 Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.

 Sheldon, honey, aren’t you getting a little carried away? I mean, it’s just a toy robot.

 Mmm, gentlemen, I put it to you, the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavour.

 Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends.

 Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?

 Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing?

 Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant?

 Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank?

 What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.

 Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?

 No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives.

 Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel.

 Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.

 Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this.

 Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just…

 No, that’s wong. There’s an official schedule. I have no contwol over it.

 We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.

 Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.

 Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad-hoc Slurpie-Icee equivalency?

 Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door.

 The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent.

 It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

 Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it.

 Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us.

 Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.

 Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.

 Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right?

 Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food.

 You’re damn right it’s okay. I’ve been having leftovers at the restaurant for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.

 Going home, where I won’t be interrogated like a criminal. I forgot my fortune cookie.

 You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out.

 Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him?

 Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot.

 Penny’s hooking up with her jerk of an ex-boyfriend and I have indelible ink on my forehead!

 No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.

 Aren’t there any other options? There’s not a lot of room, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.

  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.

 Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.

 I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.

 Sheldon, you don’t give your mother enough credit. She’s warm, she’s loving, she doesn’t glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.

 You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.

 Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I’ll have to try again later.

 But it’s one o’clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock.

 Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.

 Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it.

 Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.

 Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.

 I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate.

 True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband.

 I see what you’re doing. You’re appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.

 I told you my mom has spider veins, I had to take her to the laser clinic.

 No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky.

 How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell.

 Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly.

 Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is?

 You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy.

 Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through.

 Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.

 I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights?

 Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.

 Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight.

 Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.

 Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train.

 Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come?

 Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take?

 Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now.

 Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.

 It’s not so bad, really. At least these trains have modern plumbing. In India, you squat over a hole in the train and expose your naked buttocks to the chilly air of Rajasthan.

 Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator.

 Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive.

 Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails.

 It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed?

 Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper?

 I see. Well, it seems once again, you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.

 Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello?

 He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour.

 You mean one of the hopeless geeks? No. Those are crazy people. Howard, be a dear and get me another one of these. Now, him, he’s one of those geeks.

 Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?

 Okay. Great. Now, can I take one where it looks like we’re making out?

 Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up.

 It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business.

 No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156.

 Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore.

 So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right?

 Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?

 Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending.

 All right, fine. How are we supposed to set up machines and conveyor belts in my apartment?

 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.

 You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.

 What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?

 Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town.

 Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work.

 Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.

 Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet.

 Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?

 The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau.

 They didn’t quit. They were massacred by, like, a gazillion angry Mexicans.

 Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?

 Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time.

 Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail.

 Okay, it’s done. Look, guys, for the future, I don’t mind killing the big spiders, but you have to at least try with the little ones.

 Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.

 Stay calm, we don’t know anything about them yet. What are you doing?

 Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?

 I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care.

 What are you saying, that I’m threatened by Alicia? That I’m like the old queen of the hive and it’s just time for me to go?

 No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.

 I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV?

 Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.

 I like green lantern, I’m just saying it’s pretty lame that He can be defeated by the colour yellow.

 Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately.

 You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you!

 You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday?

 I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy.

 You’re right, I really should be asking strangers on the Internet.

 It’s Friday night, that means Chinese food and vintage video games, right?

 Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf.

 Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.

 I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe.

 Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right.

 Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology.

 Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now.

 No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.

 I don’t know. She just said Howard, momma’s a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.

 So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place.

 Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.

 It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.

 Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.

 Are you trying to make small talk? Oh, sweetie, you really don’t have to.

 Well, uh, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are going to be a little different…

 Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with.

 Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

 He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two.

 Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing.

 He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny.

 Yeah, see, that’s the code red. It’s kind of like a jack-in-the-box, no one knows exactly when, but at some point something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.

 Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.

 Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?

 Okay, here’s an idea. What if I change my name and go live with my cousin and her husband Avi in Israel?

 Hang on, I think I’ve got this. Help me see if we can wedge this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.

 Hold on, you can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.

 Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations.

 Okay, simulated zero-gravity human waste disposal test with meat loaf analog in three, two, one. (Switches flush. Meatloaf hits ceiling.)

 Well, they’ve deployed our solution. Let’s just all hope it works.

 Yes, how did we live before Twitter? I guess you’ll find out what it is in the morning.

 You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night?

 You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to.

 Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?

 Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

 Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.

 Oh, hey, no, you don’t have to apologize. There’s no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.

 I mean, I know she’s not my girlfriend or anything, but wouldn’t you think she’d feel a little bad that I’m going to be gone for the whole summer?

 I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch!

 Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.

 Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.

 Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else?

 It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.

 Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.

 That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy.

 It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian.

 Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask.

 Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.

 No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results.

 Aw, see, yeah, you probably shouldn’t have done that. So write another e-mail, set the record straight, it’s no big deal.

 Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag.

 Look, Sheldon, I just don’t think that the guys and Leonard really meant to hurt you. You know? They just told an unfortunate lie to deal with a difficult situation. Okay, you know what it’s like? Remember that scene in the new Star Trek movie when Kirk has to take over the ship, so he tells Spock all that stuff he knew wasn’t true, like saying Spock didn’t care his mom died?

 Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation.

 That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife.

 Yeah, but wesearch into Dark Energy pwoved that Einstein’s cosmowogical constant was actually wight all along, so you’re still, surpwise, surpwise, a woser.

 Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat.

 This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all…

 Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends?

 All right. If you recall, when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbour kids.

 You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.

 Okay, who had Leonard flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours”?

 What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.

 That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down.

 Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that?

 Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket.

 Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket.

 Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me.

 I will put up my Fantastic Four number 48, first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic Flash of two worlds issue.

 Don’t push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13, and I remember a good deal of it.

 Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now?

 All right, Sheldon, here we go, Kleingast’s Field Guide to North American Insects. Hey, Toby. Right here, see it? The common field cricket, aka Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for suck it, you lose.

 All right. Tell you what, let’s go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor

 Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle?

 I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist.

 Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.

 Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything!

 What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either.

 I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard.

 Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass.

 Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.

 I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

 They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

 They’re gonna get beaten up at Walgreens. Oh, sorry, Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.

 Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.

 Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.

 No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

 I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.

 Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.

 You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?

 Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?”

 Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow!

 Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?

 Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.

 Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.

 Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke.

 No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?

 Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt.

 My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.

 Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.

 Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable.

 Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?

 Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here.

 Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top!

 You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters.

 Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship.

 You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.

 It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother?

 What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him!

 I call my mee-maw nana. And she’s going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie.

 Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites.

 Wait, what are you doing? I can’t scissors by myself! Howard! Come back!

 So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be?

 With a woman you were chasing through a park? That’s not a shot, that’s a felony. What’s worse, it cost me my prized Patang fighting kite. Sheldon, I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could give me my kite back?

 Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.

 Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun.

 I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs.

 I don’t want to fly kites, Sheldon. We’re watching football here.

 All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed.

 Yeah, my friend from Omaha, plays the guitar. Anyway, he’s coming to L.A. looking for some session work, so I told him he could just crash on my couch for a few weeks.

 Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.

 I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic!

 How is that not talking to me like I’m an idiot? It’s my friend, it’s my couch, and it’s my freakin’ life!

 I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender.

 I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch.

 An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely.

 And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy!

 What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you!

 Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.

 Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here?

 Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want?

 I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting.

 I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed?

 Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about?

 Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so?

 Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead!

 It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us.

 You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home?

 Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up?

 No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please.

 It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

 Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?

 Hey, Sheldon, Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please just take a break from being you for just a minute and try being, I don’t know, comforting?

 Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that.

 You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs.

 The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates.

 Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.

 But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical.

 Excuse me, I have a master’s degree in engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It required the completion of 144 units of grad work and an original thesis.

 Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?

 No, I hear you fine. As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles. The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence, monopole.

 I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back.

 That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply.

 Okay, uh, that’s the spirit, but, um, let’s dial it back to a non-lethal form of vengeance.

 This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office?

 I gotta say, I am really impressed. This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even. (Sits down. There is a flatulent noise)

 Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth)

 What’s up, my nerdizzles? Raj, Sheldon, I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.

 Oh, come on, it’s fine. We’ll just put it all on the table, you know, family style.

 Oh no, no, you see, in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he’s warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it’s directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn’t direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

 Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast.

 And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive.

 Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics?

 Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does.

 Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.

 Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment.

 Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from?

 Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit?

 Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?

 Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles?

 Oh, I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.

 No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane.

 It was so nice of you to come all the way down to the airport to pick me up.

 Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory.

 Well, I would assume it’s because Sheldon and I stay in touch due to mutual interest and respect, while you avoid me, due to unresolved childhood issues.

 Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting?

 It’s all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend that Leonard’s not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioural tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.

 Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father?

 Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night.

 Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot.

 Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around?

 Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be.

 Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good.

 I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff.

 Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone.

 Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw.

 जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say?

 Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha.

 Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.

 Listen, they’re kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.

 No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order?

 We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company.

 Look, Sheldon, sweetie, I know you’re feeling insecure, but we’ve really got to go to sleep.

 Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.)

 All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system.

 Don’t worry, the net’s going to be electrified. Picture her on the floor, spasming uncontrollably.

 Don’t you think looking for a new city to live in is a bit of an overreaction?

 Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?

 Oh, no, he’s going to telecommute. Everybody’s really excited about it.

 Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.

 Sheldon, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to miss you.

 Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night?

 Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.

 No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com.

 Okay, just to be clear, roller skating was my idea, and I’m very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes.

 Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep?

 If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out.

 And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night?

 Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind?

 No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.

 Of course you don’t. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job?

 You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that?

 Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy.

 Sheldon, where are you going? Aren’t you going to clean this up?

 Dude, I’m glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you have to do all that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don’t?

 Yeah, I am pulling out all the stops. There’s a $39.95 lover’s special at P.F. Chang’s. Egg rolls, dumplings, bottomless wok, and you get your picture taken on the big marble horse out front.

 Guess who the university is sending to Switzerland to attend a conference and see the CERN supercollider on February 14?

 Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps.

 Yeah, well, I’ve been dreaming about spending Valentine’s Day with a girl since I was six.

 Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.

 Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?

 Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland.

 Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games.

 Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me?

 Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.

 Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go.

 She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her.

 Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you!

 I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over!

 Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you.

 Hey, Sheldon? Listen, Penny is pretty sick and she’s not going to be able to go to Switzerland. So if you’re still interested, you’re welcome to come. (Sound of Sheldon vomiting in the bathroom)

 Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday.

 No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour.

 I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.)

 That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well.

 He does. And in the kitchen. And in the car. And in his pocket.

 Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?

 But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank?

 Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture.

 Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it?

 No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands.

 It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.

 You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series.

 Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No.

 Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.

 The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever.

 Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.

 But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?

 The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.

 Dr. Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I’m going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.

 I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.

 You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.

 I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited?

 You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don’t you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?

 Eddie Crispo. Anyway, he said this isn’t a replica. It’s the real deal.

 All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can’t just be a coincidence.

 Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.

 You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring?

 If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies.

 Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.

 All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.

 My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron.

 Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science.

 Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

 Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it.

 That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court.

 I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.

 We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.

 Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence.

 I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.

 Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap.

 My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy.

 Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.

 True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes.

 All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that?

 All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square.

 It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.

 Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice.

 Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here?

 But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.

 Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout.

 It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.

 Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again.

 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise)

 First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.

 Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.

 Big or small, I don’t like rabbits. They always look like they’re about to say something, but they never do.

 Okay, how about this for a topic, why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.

 No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me.

 You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?

 It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl?

 All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better?

 Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now.

 No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you.

 Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.

 You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers.

 Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you.

 It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first.

 Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now.

 Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?

 Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.

 Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night.

 Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

 So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

 Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry.

 I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank.

 You might want to stand back. I’m sitting on top of 13 horses here.

 Dude, I’m an astrophysicist. If there were solar flares, I’d be all up in it.

 No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.

 Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!

 A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?

 So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?

 Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?

 Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you?

 Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled.

 Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.

 Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live

 Interesting choices. Based on my current needs, I guess I’d pick the yogurt.

 Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you.

 Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart.

 That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first.

 Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work.

 Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

 It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees!

 I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said…

 Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.

 Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right?

 If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke.

 No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment)

 Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.)

 It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work… (Flashback, the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.)

 Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.

 According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.

 Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work.

 What’d you do that for? I had plenty of time. (Elevator explodes.)

 Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology.

 I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it.

 It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy.

 She didn’t dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.

 Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left.

 Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud.

 I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.

 Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?

 But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years.

 Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.

 Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever.

 If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

 I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

 Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

 Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger?

 Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what’s new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend?

 Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby?

 You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex?

 Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?

 Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her.

 Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child.

 You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.

 Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?

 Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?

 Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know.

 My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me.

 Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?

 I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.

 Hey, here’s another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?

 Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh)

 Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count?

 Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you.

 Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?

 If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night.

 Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?

 A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?

 Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?

 I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.

 So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot?

 There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena.

 Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?

 You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God.

 In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?

 We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.

 I can figure this out, let’s see. Um, well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon. So, I’ll say cinnamon.

 Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order?

 Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.

 Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance.

 Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious.

 No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else.

 I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.

 I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so…

 Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.

 Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses.

 Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing?

 Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.

 Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup.

 Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.

 Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

 Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names.

 Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.

 Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy.

 Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.

 Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other.

 Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you.

 I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.

 I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.

 I’m telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light, then those dark matter discoveries must be wrong.

 Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.

 Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data…

 Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?

 So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette, and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.

 That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.

 I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day.

 Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on.

 Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo!

 It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.

 All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk.

 Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?

 Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre.

 Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl…

 From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation.

 Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend?

 Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.

 All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

 I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.

 In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship.

 Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.

 I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status.

 It’s nice to meet you, too, Sheldon. I honestly didn’t believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.

 You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.

 This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker.

 Can you believe it? Little Priya’s one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.

 Alright, this goes without saying, but I’m just going to say it anyway. Hands off my sister.

 Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands?

 Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public.

 Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.

 No, no, no, no, no. You just need, you just need, you just need to map it out. Come on, I’ll help you. So, uh, you stopped at the stream and you turned north three times?

 Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.)

 Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena.

 My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.

 You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right?

 Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.

 Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.

 C’mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she’s attracted to. Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.

 Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.

 Excuse me, I think how could you she’s my sister takes precedence over a five year old pinky swear!

 And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food.

 As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush.

 No, seriously, I think I’ve finally figured out my problem with women.

 Good news. I made it onto the team for the new Defence Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite.

 Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

 To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon.

 Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.

 I think he’s eating lunch. Uh, Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.

 But I actually didn’t demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.

 Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry?

 Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter.

 You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.

 Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try.

 You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend.

 I got to tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean, the temperature is good, but there’s no draft. I can see the television, but I can still talk to…

 Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday?

 Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight.

 You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives.

 Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis.

 Actually, as the newest member of your social group, I believe I’ll gain more acceptance by arbitrarily siding with your friends from time to time.

 Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats.

 Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it’s only going to upset you.

 We can still see something. Uh, the new Sandra Bullock movie is playing two blocks away. You know Sandy B always brings it.

 Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke.

 Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble.

 He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?

 Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.

 Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.

 No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?

 It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.

 It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.

 Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour.

 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.

 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.

 My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.

 I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.

 Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal.

 Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?

 Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy?

 You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?

 That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.

 Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the

 I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?

 You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life.

 Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis.

 Really? I haven’t been to a comic book store in literally a million years.

 Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America.

 Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches.

 Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots?

 Score. I got an Archie, Betty and Veronica, and a Jughead. All set for my weekend number twos.

 I don’t want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.

 We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.

 Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.

 Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?

 And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number three!

 I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation?

 Can you say that and not make it sound like I’m a cat who learned how to use the toilet?

 I checked the App Store. No one is doing handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.

 Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.

 Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.

 So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients.

 So right now, this button-press event is just triggering a dummy procedure call…

 Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…

 Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into…

 No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever.

 Look, I’m still happy to drive you to work. Nothing’s changed in that regard. We’re still roommates, we’re still friends.

 Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.

 Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.

 No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this.

 Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm?

 Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically.

 Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up.

 Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.

 Okay, these are Uggs. These are Crocs. These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.

 Look, you said it yourself, we have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.

 Oh, gee, Amy, I’m sorry, I’m actually pretty busy this weekend.

 Don’t worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.

 No, we discussed it. We decided we didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.

 Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it?

 It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted, and he was threatening to filibuster. It’s not technically Road Trip God, it’s Travel Supervisor.

 Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I’d like to weigh in.

 If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it.

 Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.

 All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people?

 Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage.

 Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge.

 Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t.

 Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?

 Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little.

 Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies.

 Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation?

 I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it.

 Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?

 Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes.

 Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass.

 You bet. I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now look at me. Want some?

 Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone.

 Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock.

 Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.

 We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.

 Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little.

 All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue.

 All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go.

 Mrs. Cooper, hey, it’s Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.

 You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can’t see themselves in the mirror?

 Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?

 I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research.

 Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake.

 Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.

 I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?

 Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.

 And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.

 Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department.

 Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

 Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.

 Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I’ve been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.

 Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.

 I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.

 What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain?

 I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night.

 Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment.

 Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

 No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.

 Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.

 Listen, Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t have a relationship with.

 Oh, yes. Hi, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had company. I don’t want to impose.

 Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn.

 I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us?

 It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there.

 I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not?

 What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?

 That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth?

 There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable.

 Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own.

 Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy?

 Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj’s, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory.

 Sheldon, look at me. I think it’s time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes.

 Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower.

 I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?

 Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There’s no one around, so naturally, I’m free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me.

 Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?

 Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice…

 Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue.

 Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls.

 A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.

 Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way?

 Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory?

 Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime.

 These cards have barcodes on them. The wand is a reader. It’s transmitting to your phone.

 All right. (Raj looks over Sheldon’s shoulder. Holds two fingers over his heart). Two of hearts.

 You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?

 Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora.

 I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.

 Whoever did this knew what they were doing. He got in and out of your account in under 15 minutes, transferred all your stuff, and didn’t leave a digital fingerprint.

 Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things.

 Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.

 Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!

 Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.

 Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman.

 Thanks. Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.

 Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house.

 Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?

 Also, tonight’s the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and

 Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning?

 Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive.

 I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.

 Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody.

 Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?

 My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.

 I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly.

 You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle.

 Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette.

 Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups.

 What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish?

 Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place.

 Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.

 Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.

 I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup.

 It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory?

 Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host.

 Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?

 Then we’ll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.

 No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.

 Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.

 Agreed. It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.

 Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.

 I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.

 Not important. I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.

 All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon.

 Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency.

 Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?

 My point is, Sheldon, the legal principle is ambiguity in a contract benefits the party that did not draft it, in this case, Leonard. So much for count one.

 I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m.

 According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night.

 A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met?

 Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along.

 Okay, suit yourself. We’ll probably be trashing Priya a little.

 Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny).

 Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.

 Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree?

 I kissed a girl and I liked it, I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.

 How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night?

 Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study.

 I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable.

 A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping.

 Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours?

 I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys.

 Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma?

 What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory?

 You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you.

 Yes, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Which brings me to our next order of business. (Kisses him)

 Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in?

 Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?

 I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.

 Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared.

 A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.

 I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.

 I’m a scientist. My ability to think is my bread and butter. I’m afraid if I take this, I might lose that special, unique something that makes me so successful in my field.

 We’re scientists. We observe everything. Here, go buy yourself a scone.

 Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King 12. I capture your Pope and release the swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.

 Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.

 It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.

 Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his.

 Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.

 It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.

 Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home.

 Sorry, I’m just trying to cheer my buddy up. Rotting Zombie. Sheldon’s new Facebook photo.

 Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy’s Day balloon.

 So, Howard, tell us, how’s it feel knowing that when you two get married, you’ll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?

 I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?

 Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.

 Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.

 You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.

 Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.

 Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.

 Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.

 Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep.

 That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I’m the dusky half of Koothrapenny.

 Somewhere where no one’s seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile. (Opens door. Sees Leonard and Sheldon. Slams it shut again.)

 Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?

 Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home.

 Shh! It’s my agent, it’s my agent. You’re kidding. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe it! Really? Oh, I’m so excited, thank you, thank you so much. Okay, bye. I got the haemorrhoid commercial! I start Monday.

 Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.

 Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so…

 You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.

 Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple.

 Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away.

 I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair.

 Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.

 How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again.

 Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions.

 Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there.

 Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes…

 Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?

 Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp?

 How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat…

 Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on.

 For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?

 Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate.

 Hang on. You seriously think I’m going to live with your mother?

 I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time.

 Doesn’t matter. You’re out, he’s in. No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding. Hmm, how times change.

 Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that?

 Really? So we’re playing Dungeons and Dragons, and we walk into a dungeon and see a dragon? Isn’t that a little on the nose?

 You left out, got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.

 Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do?

 Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.

 Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount.

 It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is.

 Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy?

 I’m going to a party. I’m not turning R2-D2 and C-3PO over to the empire!

 All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance.

 No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like.

 Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?

 Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you?

 It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon.

 Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness.

 For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam!

 I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new.

 So, Shelly, what’s up with you and your friend Amy, if you don’t mind a mother prying a bit?

 Oh, that’s a funny turn, isn’t it? You never think about it going the other way. Well, you can’t force things. You need to figure out if you’re in a relationship or if you’re just calling it one. It’s like they say, a cat can have kittens in the oven but that don’t make ’em biscuits.

 It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked and if it was beef. Sheldon, when is your landlord going to fix the elevator?

 Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank.

 I couldn’t find you guys so I bought six new friends. Three, sadly, are dead.

 Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’?

 I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better.

 Sure. One thing you really miss when you’re on vacation is laundry.

 Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing.

 Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.

 Oh, not crazy at all. And don’t beat yourself up. When I was your age, you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.

 Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still.

 I don’t know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sightseeing.

 Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly.

 Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us.

 I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

 Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority?

 Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology.

 Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else.

 Actually, some research indicates that by not over-thinking, the less intelligent handle emotions better. (He sneezes again) Sure you’re not coming down with a cold?

 Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest.

 Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship.

 Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?

 Oh. Watch out, Sheldon. This little boy Casper is a g-g-g-ghost!

 Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.

 Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.)

 Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India.

 Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do.

 Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now.

 Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then?

 This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart.

 You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot.

 Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.

 What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us?

 Who didn’t? Your skin is like alabaster. Do you even have pores?

 Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I’m a lady. And with that comes an oestrogen fuelled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.

 Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

 Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject?

 Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up.

 If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye.

 Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.

 It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.

 Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind.

 At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.

 Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.

 How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.

 Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.)

 Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him.

 I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date.

 No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t.

 If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.

 Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth.

 Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet.

 Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

 Look how sweet he is. Come over and say hi. Come on. You can do it. Don’t be scared. Come on. Oh, just pet the bird, you big baby!

 Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.

 I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters.

 If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.

 Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to a vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But this? Lame-o.

 No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out.

 You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out.

 All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it.

 Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman?

 Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went.

 Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men?

 Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed.

 Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.

 All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this?

 Look, Sheldon, all I’m saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.

 Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel Prize. C: Moral support during flu shots. Seems a bit restrictive.

 Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi?

 There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks.

 Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year.

 It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces.

 You know what? I am tired of living in fear of this guy. I’m gonna go see him and finally say all the things I should have said in high school. You know, pick on someone your own size, you did not have sex with my mother, and yes, I do know why I’m hitting myself.”

 Hi. Fellas. Hey, can I get a beer? Wow. Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you’re a big-time scientist now.

 Okay, here it is. I have this great money-making idea. I just need a gear head to get it to the finish line.

 Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known.

 I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit.

 Not really, no. It’s funny, huh, Leonard? Back in school, I was the winner and you were the loser. And now we’re reversed. You’re the winner.

 Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people.

 Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?

 I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it.

 Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt?

 Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear!

 Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy.

 Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron.

 That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time.

 Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field.

 Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal.

 Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by.

 How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around.

 Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight?

 No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women.

 Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change.

 Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.

 Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.

 Eight o’clock. (Sheldon checks pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.

 You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?

 I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement.

 Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one.

 Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship.

 Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here.

 It’s Ferdinand T. Flag. I thought he might help bring in some younger viewers.

 Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back.

 For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.

 What’s baffling me is what you could’ve possibly put on the list. Hair too golden? Laugh too musical? World too much a better place for her mere presence in it?

 Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People.

 You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later?

 Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist.

 You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches.

 I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s.

 Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.

 Sheldon, I’m working. I can’t take you to the dentist. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I don’t want to take you to the dentist.

 All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist.

 Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

 What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?

 You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go.

 Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now.

 Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.

 Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.

 That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.

 I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.

 Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation.

 You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you.

 Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.

 What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you.

 Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there.

 Sheldon, there are a million great vacations you could take. What about Hawaii?

 How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.

 Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box?

 Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.

 Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell.

 Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.

 No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny.

 Sheldon, you’ve never worked in a lab like this before. You have no experience in the field of biology.

 Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.

 All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes.

 Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom.

 Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right.

 Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it.

 You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you.

 All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood.

 Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?

 You’re forgiven. Now, if you want to stay, get started on those beakers. They’re still dirty from yesterday.

 Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box.

 Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.

 Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate.

 Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks.

 All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?

 All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else.

 I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you.

 Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice.

 If you’re not happy, why don’t you just let Kripke have the office?

 I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done.

 Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber.

 Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.

 So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that?

 You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you.

 I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.

 Well, this isn’t a crisis. Why don’t you just let your hair grow out a little?

 Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?

 Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about.

 You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen.

 I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.

 Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

 Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.

 W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.

 All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.

 It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair.

 Ha, told you. Okay, I’m just gonna clean up your neck a little and then you are good to go.

 Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party.

 No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none.

 Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.

 Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy.

 I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.

 Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation. (Phone makes whip sound)

 All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship.

 Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

 I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth.

 Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude?

 You know, if playing that game is more important to you than honouring your commitment to me, and you don’t mind me showing up at a party all by myself after I’ve already told everybody I’ll be bringing somebody, then, fine. Go home and play your game.

 Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.

 Well, we’re always the good guys. In D&D, we’re lawful good, in City Of Heroes, we’re the heroes, in Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.

 I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now.

 Uh, it is, but I think you might’ve waited too long for it to be funny. (Whip sound) I was wrong, it’s still funny.

 And if you don’t start treating me better, I’m leaving you for a miniature horse breeder named Armin.

 Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want.

 Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine.

 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food.

 Anyway, I got a little residual cheque from my commercial and I thought, hey, how about I get the guys a little thankyou to pay them back. So, Sheldon, ta-da!

 Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.

 It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.

 I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy.

 Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half.

 I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself.

 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it?

 Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon.

 Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right. You broke it.

 I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box.

 Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.

 Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?

 Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly.

 You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111.

 That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?

 Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles.

 Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back.

 Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny?

 Oh, my dear boy, no. Okay. Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette. I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time, but I was wrong and really wrong.

 Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time.

 I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy?

 I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.

 Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.

 It’s this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It’s like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub!

 You’re right, who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Would you hold me?

 Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

 I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.

 All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one.

 I gave it to him three days ago. He was really impressed. He wants to meet you.

 My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.

 Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.

 You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.

 Okay, uh, I’d pick swan because, uh, the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I’ve always dreamed of having.

 Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.

 Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body.

 Anyway, if it’s okay with you, we should talk about Howard’s bachelor party.

 Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.

 Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They’ve got that wine train.

 Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.

 Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house.

 Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening?

 Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear?

 All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?

 Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.

 Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight.

 With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well.

 I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.

 I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame.

 Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.

 We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?

 Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat.

 Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.

 Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me?

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny.

 Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer.

 I love his eidetic memory, it’s so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?

 You’re nervous? I’ve been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I’m wearing my fat pants.

 Look at all these people in love. It kind of gets you thinking, doesn’t it?

 Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

 Right now, Howard’s staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.

 Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t?

 Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies?

 Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool.

 Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?

 My pleasure. Waiter? A bottle of champagne and three glasses. Oh, boy, isn’t this romantic?

 You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.

 Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.

 Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings.

 What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself.

 Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.

 I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow.

 The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.

 Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?

 Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?

 Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice.

 Ugh. Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It’s from your mom.

 Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

 August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?

 Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson.

 You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here?

 So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?

 A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I?

 Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance.

 Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.

 We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends.

 I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store.

 Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from?

 I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers.

 Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game.

 All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything.

 We could go to the cadaver lab at UCLA and play real-life Operation.

 Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face.

 To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was.”

 Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?

 Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view.

 So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.

 Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.

 Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like.

 I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can’t we find something that we’re both happy with?

 So, I thought the photo booth for the party could either be creepy like a mummy’s tomb, or they also have the Tardis from Doctor Who.

 Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?

 You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won’t talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.

 You know salt makes me retain water and my cousin William was ground to death in a pepper factory accident. How about Raggedy Ann and Andy? I loved them growing up.

 No. There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not made up. Matching costumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.

 That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.”

 I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk.

 Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.

 You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.

 It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.

 Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points.

 The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him.

 There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller.

 One time when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in The Matrix. I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting. So I looked it up online and showed him. Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me. And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the matrix.

 Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway.

 I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad.

 Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.

 He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it?

 Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school…

 Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her?

 Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him.

 Hmm, how about, gee, Penny, you’re smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I’m the one who learned a lesson. I’m so stupid, Penny. Duh.

 Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action.

 Um, no offence, but I’ve been acting since I was a kid. I think I can handle a Web show without a lot of direction.

 Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action.

 I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave.

 You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner with your friend Wil Wheaton?

 Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him.

 I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything.

 Sheldon, I’m your girlfriend, and you should have taken my side. That’s it. End of story. Good night.

 I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?

 Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle.

 Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

 Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.

 You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.

 Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us?

 Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place.

 If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s.

 It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care.

 Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things.

 None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy.

 Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294.

 Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive.

 Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space.

 Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.

 My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back.

 Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back.

 He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.

 This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone.

 Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today.

 It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now.

 Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.) 

 I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street.

 Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song.

 It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common.

 But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.

 I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking.

 Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity.

 Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.

 Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts.

 Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath.

 All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me.

 I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie.

 I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me.

 By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?

 All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.

 It’s actually ho, ho, ho, but you’ll get the hang of it. Thought it’d be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme.

 Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?

 Hey, guys. I don’t mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you’d like to see what you’re missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette’s wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there’s Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I’m assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.

 I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go “blublublublublublublublu”

 Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen.

 Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water.

 No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy.

 Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit.

 I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded.

 Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them.

 Okay, open ’em. (It’s a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!

 I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again.

 Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.

 She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower.

 Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.

 I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to?

 I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex?

 At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.

 I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.

 Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace.

 Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it.

 Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

 Hofstadter… Wolowitz… and the last one was Rajesh Koothrappali?

 I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has.

 Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn’t share with his girlfriend.

 Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.

 Recalculating. While we’re waiting, do you know which president signed the Intestate Highway System Act into law? The answer, coming up in 14 miles.

 What kind of a person steals another person’s car in broad daylight?

 Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby.

 Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk.

 What? What about the mission? You said we were a real-life landing party.

 If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party.

 What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?

 I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal.

 Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks?

 What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago.

 You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time.

 Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow?

The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

 All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?

 Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

 Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades.

 Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense. Now, go put your clothes on, get in the car, and lets go to work.

 Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be.

 So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time.

 Okay, stop bwagging. You had some bwiwiant insights in here, but if we’re gonna make this work, you need to buckew down and focus.

 All right, I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just tell Kripke the truth?

 Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical?

 Oh, my God! (Out loud) Sheldon, I know this wasn’t easy for you, and I’m really glad we could have this conversation.

 I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six.

 What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks.

 You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating.

 You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.

 I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore.

 What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

 Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?

 See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.

 Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.

 No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast.

 Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano.

 Well, I don’t know what else we can do but tell them the truth.

 Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to.

 Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.

 What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in.

 Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it.

 Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here.

 Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.

 And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me?

 I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

 Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.

 You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.

 Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests.

 Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs.

 So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.

 Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print.

 Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts.

 And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

 By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.

 I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.

 In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me.

 Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in.

 I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class.

 Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in.

 Um, well, I’m from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?

 Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow.

 Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it.

 You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?

 Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list.

 Sheldon, that’s very rude. She helped you with your show. The right thing to do is reciprocate by going to see her play.

 Just so you know, this is not a stupid play. A Streetcar Named Desire is an American classic.

 …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.

 Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.

 Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?

 You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science.

 Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith.

 Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch.

 Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game

 Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins.

 Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science.

 That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there.

 Well, they’re actually pretty excited. I’m their most famous alum. If you don’t count the serial killer who ate all those prostitutes.

 Okay, who’s ready for some science? Me, too. Okay, I am Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I am here with my friends Dr. Cooper and real-life astronaut Howard Wolowitz, and we are going to show you girls how cool a job in science can be. How cool, you ask? Well, how about negative 273 degrees, ’cause that’s the temperature at which entropy reaches its minimum value. Did I just learn something new and have fun doing it? What? All right. So now let’s bring out theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.

 Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first.

 Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.

 That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it.

 You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.

 Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid.

 If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here.

 Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something?

 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time.

 We were all thinking it, really. It was kind of the elephant in the room, so…

 It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave.

 If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time.

 Only if you’re this jellyfish which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.

 In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze.

 And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter.

 Well, I believe people do their best work when they feel safe and secure.

 Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it.

 Or you take advantage of your newfound economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married. start a family.

 You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.

 God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you?

 Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense.

 Of course it would. I’m well-versed in academic politics, and as a respected scientist, I can only raise your stock as a candidate.

 The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us?

 Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.

 Excuse me. I’m here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware, or whatever his name is.

 She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard’s cause.

 You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing.

 Well, you’ll always be an academic success, but I seriously question whether you’ll make any more friends.

 Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.

 You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen.

 Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.

 I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere.

 You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas.

 I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.

 Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.

 You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.

 I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.

 All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…

 I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.

 And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.

 Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles. Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.

 Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.

 Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti.

 It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I?

 Well, I hope I haven’t, uh, kept the kids waiting too long for, for the show.

 You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show?

 You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University.

 No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done.

 I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more.

 What, what has it ever gotten me? I mean, I’m, I’m an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in, in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I’m a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Gino, well, he also did my wife.

 I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it.

 I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.

 Well, at, at this point, I’m just glad someone’s carrying me down the stairs.

 Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it.

 Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me.

 Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him.

 We’ll be fine, watch. Suddenly, a spectral shape rises from Koothrappali’s bloody corpse, and says, (Raj voice) don’t worry, buddies, ghost Raj will help guide you through the forest. (Nicolas Cage voice) Well, I’m just a tree, but if I were you, I’d listen to your ghost friend.

 Hey, I always did sound effects. A-A swarm of bloodthirsty bats fly through the dungeon. (Clicking sounds) Uh, uh, they attack a nearby unicorn. (Strange howl)

 You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend.

 No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun.

 What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players.

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die!

 Fifteen’s the point, the point is fifteen. Give the little lady some room, here it is, coming out. Sixteen! Yes! Oh, please tell me we’re playing for money.

 Seventeen, the larger ogre is dead. The-the other ogre says, you killed my brother, now Ogre Thanksgiving is ruined.

 But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack.

 Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot.

 Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure.

 I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.

 Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.

 I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone.

 Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that’s going to stop me.

 There’s beer in the fridge. Anyway, you guys really don’t need to make a big deal.

 The only person allowed inside this head is Dr. Phil. Anyway, I, I spoke to my new lady friend about meeting you all, and she thought it would be easier for her to start with just one.

 A, that was not a joke, that was a sincere request. And B, more importantly, I was the outsider to this group, and I know how frightening that can be. But you guys took me in and made me feel loved, like I was family.

 Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out.

 Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job.

 It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair…

 I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do.

 She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay?

 Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say.

 Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good.

 Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.)

 Thanks. Oh, Sheldon, since Amy’s out of town, would you like to join us?

 Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him?

 I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much.

 I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?

 No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all.

 No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain.

 This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time?

 Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now.

 No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know.

 Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.

 Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.

 Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better.

 Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue.

 Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector.

 Oh, I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. How about a Batman squirt gun?

 Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost.

 All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this.

 Ooh, yeah, I don’t know. This squirt gun, it’s, uh, it’s pretty rare.

 Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana.

 Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so…

 Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night!

 No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so…

 Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom.

 Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem.

 Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself.

 Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon. I should’ve told you I was back. I just wanted to have a couple days alone with Penny.

 That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.

 Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh?

 You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying.

 I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good.

 Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months.

 That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here.

 Uh, can I just say, I’ve missed all of us hanging out together.

 No, you weren’t because it was a week ago and nobody came. So, if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.

 Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins.

 No, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon, and we’re gonna kick your ass!

 All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it.

 All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me.

 Well, there’s no right way, Sheldon. I already found a few pieces that fit.

 Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go.

 It’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store, it’s the comic book store.

 Hey, Princeton, look at that, Team Community College Night School is in the lead.

 Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh.

 Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab?

 Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears.

 Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this.

 I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.

 All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren’t in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.

 So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages?

 Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be.

 I’ll see you later. I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.

 Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.

 I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.

 You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

 Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.

 Wait, wait, if it wasn’t for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse. 

 It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.

 How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?

 I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool. 

 Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.

 Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace.

 I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together.

 Are you crazy? You don’t want your girlfriend at work with you. Hell Clam.

 No, no, I think it’ll be great. Maybe next time he gets conjunctivitis at work, she can hold his head and try to put the drops in his eyes. Giant baby.

 Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear.

 I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday.

 Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it.

 Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together.

 Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys.

 No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around.

 Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it’s true. I think if we worked together and lived together, we’d get sick of each other.

 I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you.

 Smart. Take relationship advice from a man who spent last night braiding Raj’s hair.

 Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking.

 Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli.

 I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor. 

 You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup.

 You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home.

 Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong.

 Well, for starters, you’ve broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?

 Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something.

 Holy crap, Sheldon, did you just figure out a method for synthesizing a new stable super-heavy element?

 Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired.

 You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking.

 You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.

: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake.

 Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you. 

 Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.

 I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her.

 Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you.

 If I didn’t have you, life would be blue, I’d be Dr. Who without the TARDIS.

 That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day.

 Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail.

 Hey, Sheldon, let’s go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that.

 He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it.

 Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper?

 From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you…

 Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house.

 You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard.

 I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting.

 Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light.

 No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper.

 Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.

 No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets.

 Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out.

 Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm?

 So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.

 When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?

 You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.

 I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity.

 I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD?

 I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks?

 Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin.

 Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right?

 Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie.

 Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy?

 Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house.

 Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy.

 It’d actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.

 Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz’s mom’s with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?

 Sheldon, that’s completely inappropriate. You can’t keep comparing yourself to a slave.

 It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?

 I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there?

 Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?

 Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.

 I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there.

 Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now.

 All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.

 Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin?

 This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake.

 And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder.

 It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure.

 That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist.

 I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding.

 How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

 Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay?

 I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek.

 Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me.

 I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there.

 Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist.

 Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results.

 Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away.

 I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy.

 Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other.

 The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science.

 It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.

 Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does.

 Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings.

 Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That’s pwetty hurtful. I, I can’t contwol it.

 Sheldon, it’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you and I go for a nice walk together?

 You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you.

 Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.

 Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister.

 You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.

 Shelly, come on. Your sister’s fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there’s blood everywhere.

 Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.

 Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew.

 Hmm. Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actualhuman conversation?

 If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.

 Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat.

 Are you set on people laughing with you? ‘Cause if you’re cool with at you…

 I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts.

 This doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I, I thought I did a, a really good job, I… Excuse me.

 Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their…

 Okay, the notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd. I mean, humour is a complex neurological… (Sheldon drops his trousers) Okay, that’s pretty good.

 That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?

 Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now.

 Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it?

 Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class.

 Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment.

 Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out.

 Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not?

 Thank you. I needed to hear that. Why can’t Leonard understand it?

 And hold three, two, one. Very good. Now let’s try Warrior 2. And hold.

 For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

 Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot.

 They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes…

 Oh, guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.

 Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention.

 Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie?

 Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time.

 Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you.

 Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over.

 Sheldon, I don’t care if you get scalped tickets with us or not, but please don’t be creepy and go stalking this poor guy. You’re gonna get in trouble.

 Let me guess. You like Star Wars. You know, I’ve been in other movies. But you don’t care about those, do you? I have one thing to say to people like you. I like Star Wars, too. Care to join me?

 You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.

 Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night. 

 So, Beau Bridges is on my shoulders, and Jeff Bridges is on Marlon Brando’s shoulders, and remember, we do not have permission to be in the pool… hey, Sheldon, wake up. And Angie Dickinson is about to sic the dogs on us, and I go under the water and Marlon goes under the water, and the water raises about two feet and sloshes all over her patio, and the dogs freak out and run like hell, and then we run like hell. Oh, boy, that was a lot of fun.

 Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision.

 We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day.

 Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy.

 I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley.

 One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us.

 It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster.

 We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train.

 An Alcoa FA-4 diesel locomotive leading a train of meticulously restored 1915 Pullman first-class coaches.

 That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on.

 And for the entrée, tonight’s special is a seafood risotto. Do you have any questions?

 Fun fact, it’s neither. They actually use the AAR type E coupler. If you listen carefully when the locomotive disconnects, you’ll hear the characteristic click-pshht-thunk of the knuckle.

 Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. 

 Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.

 Excuse me. You are at Valentine’s dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.

 Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built?

 In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four.

 Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made.

 You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room.

 I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it?

 It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend.

 Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details.

 Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.

 Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?

 Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us?

 Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working?

 I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it.

 Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window.

 Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you.

 Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.

 Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked.

 I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?

 Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me.

 Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does.

 All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on?

 Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey.

 I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it.

 But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good.

 Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life?

 While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

 Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape’s DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.

 No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight.

 Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends.

 Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off.

 Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre.

 Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good.

 Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now.

 How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life.

 I’m sorry, is the fact that my life’s falling apart interfering with your board game?

 How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts.

 I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things.

 When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous.

 Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence?

 Oh, this is nothing. I experienced way worse when I was plummeting back to Earth, apparently not being a real astronaut. Okay, that was a big one.

 We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something.

 Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming?

 Look, she’s a grown woman. And, and your dad’s been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.

 While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.

 Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.

 That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.

 That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom.

 You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.

 I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.

 Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.

 Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.

 All I’m saying is you might not want to get in the way of your mom’s happiness.

 Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.

 You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days.

 Forgive me for asking a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?

 I know. Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here come the waterworks.

 No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research.

 You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both?

 How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.

 Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat.

 Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this?

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started.

 Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.

 Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water.

 Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.

 No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want.

 You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away.

 That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue?

 Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it.

 Yeah, it’s cute. That’s the problem. I don’t need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.

 Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements.

 Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you.

 I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour.

 Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.

 Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.

 Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter.

 You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant.

 Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.

 We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do.

 Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.

 Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one.

 Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours.

 Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.

 All right, why don’t we begin? Your spirit guides are telling me that there’s a woman in your life you’re having problems with.

 Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.

 Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I wanted to make it up to you.

 Uh, well, it’s not May the fifth, and it’s not May the third. It’s May the fourth.

 Yeah, um, of all the things about this that are sad, that might not be number one. You okay? I know he meant a lot to you.

 And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you’ve seen hundreds of times isn’t?

 You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting?

 Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral?

 Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time.

 Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters.

 I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years.

 I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.

 I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet?

 Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back.

 Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you?

 Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you.

 It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch?

 Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me.

 Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars.

 I mean, don’t, don’t you see a problem there? I mean, how, how you’re spending your limited time on Earth?

 Sheldon, we’re talking about your friend’s mother. She got hurt.

 I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat.

 Thanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren’t you gonna get 3-D glasses?

 Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.

 To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.

 I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me?

 Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?

 Maybe. I, I don’t know.It’s late, I should, I should go. Look, I do get what you’re saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.

 So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you.

 Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.

 That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you.

 Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary.

 I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall.

 Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves.

 You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there.

 I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire.

 I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower.

 Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company.

 I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.

 Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.

 Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home.

 So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?

 Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland.

 Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way.

 Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello?

 What do you mean, why did I come? You’re my boyfriend. I haven’t seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don’t you have anything to say besides why did you come?

 Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station?

 Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours?

 I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me?

 We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears?

 Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said?

 But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure.

 I cannot believe you travelled the entire country and never left the train station.

 Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.

 Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet?

 You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no.

 Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study.

 Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like.

 This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong.

 Look, most importantly, this will let you move on and study dark matter.

 Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody?

 I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not?

 I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution.

 I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign.

 Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough?

 Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.

 So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette.

 Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more.

 No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz?

 You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it.

 Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot.

 If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now…

 You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend.

 I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you.

 Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials?

 That’s so cool. Congratulations. I guess that makes you the athlete of the group.

 Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t?

 So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.

 Whatever. You can’t even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.

 Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant.

 I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified.

 Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion.

 They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour.

 No, we’re sorry. We never should have been comparing relationships in the first place.

 I just want to say one more thing about this. Just because Penny and I are very different people does not mean that we’re a bad couple.

 Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two.

 This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game.

 I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead.

 Have you guys heard about this research team that’s trying to transgenically manipulate chicken DNA to create some sort of chicken dinosaur?

 You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company.

 All I know is, he’s got my mother buying four-ply toilet paper. I mean, four-ply. If his butt is so delicate, why doesn’t he just use an angora rabbit?

 Ooh, maybe we could come up with a business plan to compete with this place.

 Hold on. So, your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?

 Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list?

 Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship.

 Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women.

 Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?

 Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.

 Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world.

 Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it.

 Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV.

 How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality?

 This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.

 Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.

 Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.

 Or if we could figure out a way to supercool the materials, we could utilize quantum coupling.

 I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work?

 We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked.

 I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also…

 We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why?

 Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working.

 It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight?

 So you’re, you’re saying we should stand here in my lab on a Saturday night and watch the rest of Ghostbusters on a crappy laptop?

 Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?

 So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees.

 It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.

 Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket.

 Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.

 This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.

 Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.

 Well, that’s what we wanted. This is as hot as the mines will be.

 Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it.

 So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.

 But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?

 Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings.

 If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable.

 You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats. You’re a completely selfish human being and a, and a physical and a moral coward.

 I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients.

 All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office.

 I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door.

 Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic.

 Ever since I was a kid, but, uh, I didn’t really get serious until William Shatner’s bladder infection.

 Ah, that’s a good question. Apparently someone was being awfully flirty while not wearing their engagement ring, causing another someone to show up here thinking the first someone might be available.

 So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny.

 But the gibbon doesn’t know what it’s categorized as. It doesn’t even know it’s called a gibbon.

 Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?

 Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.

 You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.

 If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight?

 And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to.

 You know, ’cause, ’cause a lot of people lose their virginity on prom night.

 Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing.

 What pressure? All I said was you look handsome. Can you please open the door?

 Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye.

 Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together.

 I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms.

 Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates…

 Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week.

 Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring.

 Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story.

 If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman?

 Buddy, wh, do you realize that that also means 699,999 people don’t die?

 Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die.

 Tell you what, the surgery’s not for a week, I’ll think about it.

 He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.

 I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth.

 All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now.

 He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today.

 Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself.

 And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.

 Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass.

 Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.

 Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surgery, but you were worried about nothing.

 You were so worried that you smashed your face trying to check on me. You love me.

 I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading?

 Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking.

 Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate.

 I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding.

 Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins.

 Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off?

 Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.

 Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy?

 I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me.

 All right, let me see if I’ve got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?

 They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe.

 No. We’re always doing what you guys want. Just once, it’d be nice if you did something we wanted.

 Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy.

 No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston.

 I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do.

 That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how.

 Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak.

 Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you.

 Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away.

 You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting.

 Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while.

 I’m not leaving your world. I’m just talking about living across the hall.

 Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready.

 All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?

 Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever.

 Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day?

 I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder.

 The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?

 Uh, you’re sad about not getting anything done last night, so you’re gonna sit around and pout about it?

 Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home.

 All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate.

 Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana.

 Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for.

 And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter?

 Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about.

 Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges.

 Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night.

 You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night.

 Sheldon. Sheldon, I’m worried about you. You’re not eating, you haven’t slept in days, and, to be honest, that cap is starting to smell.

 I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night.

 Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away.

 You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.

 Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself.

 It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off.

 Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think?

 I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something?

 No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not?

 You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal.

 Sheldon, this is superfluid helium. Put this in your mouth, your tongue will freeze and break off.

 Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative.

 Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The?

 Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish.

 Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this.

 Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter.

 No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off.

 Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you.

 Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face.

 You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work.

 All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished.

 Stephen Hawking liked our paper. Said the premise is intriguing.

 Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal.

 I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs.

 Sheldon, we’re all scientists. I helped out a fellow colleague. You’re being petty.

 Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science?

 All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go.

 I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her?

 And then they finish it off by staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

 Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor.

 What? You’re okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?

 That’s what I said. Before I knew it, he pontificated his way right into my heart.

 You know what? I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.

 Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

 Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing.

 Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.

 Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.

 Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing.

 Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.

 If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?

 All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking.

 Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you.

 Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log?

 But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work.

 You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me?

 I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get.

 Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever.

 I would at least mention it before filling out the application.

 And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite.

 But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it’s my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward. Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic. Where should we go for lunch? Oh, I know, the ground. In conclusion, thank you for considering me for this journey of a lifetime. To Mars.

 You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something.

 Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting.

 You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.

 Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians.

 It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him?

 Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team?

 Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad.

 Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it?

 Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important.

 You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow.

 All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon.

 Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss.

 Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real.

 Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering.

 Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon.

 Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me.

 So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit?

 It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off.

 Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places.

 If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in.

 I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos?

 No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool.

 I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.

 We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it.

 No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.

 Um, uh, uh, uh, we don’t have an appointment, and, and we don’t belong here, but we, we’re, like, crazy-big fans. I mean uh, buh, buh, crazy for Star Wars crazy, not crazy like we have a backpack full of duct tape, although we do have a backpack that you really don’t want to look in.

 Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing?

 I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star.

 Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong.

 Oh, I, uh, I hopped a fence, and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with a Chewbacca statue.

 No, you’re not going anywhere, kissy face. Let’s go. I have to take your picture to post at the guard gate.

 Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee.

 The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why?

 You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant.

 Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass.

 Look, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this.

 According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.

 Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities.

 Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.

 When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.

 You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort.

 And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over.

 Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.

 Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?

 Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it.

 Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.

 Anyway, I’m among a handful of scientists that have been asked to submit a design proposal for the message and its delivery system.

 Yeah, absolutely. You need a device capable of delivering information across a wide range of perceptual modalities.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon.

 Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.

 If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on?

 Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man.

 ‘Cause I already know what he’ll say. Wah, wah, wah, you shouldn’t do it.

 Hang on. Not that your song isn’t terrible, it is. but how do you mention bats and leave out sonar?

 Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it.

 So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it.

 Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said.

 The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it.

 Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth?

 What about when we went to Comic-Con and dressed like Jabba the Hutt? You got to be Jabba’s head, and I got to be his fat slug butt.

 Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us.

 Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us.

 Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

 Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image.

 Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times.

 Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow.

 Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green.

 Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off.

 Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?

 I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station.

 No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it.

 Okay, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip.

 It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am.

 All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi?

 What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I’ll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.

 I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else.

 It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.

 Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they’re a bouquet of severed plant genitals.

 Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.

 I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.

 Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

 Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?

 Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.

 Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.

 Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends.

 We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?

 Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think.

 Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers.

 Yeah, you’re right. That is the term I’m looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler.

 Why don’t we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are.

 I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.

 Do you suppose you would’ve flourished more in a reward-based environment?

 Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there’s more than one way to raise a child.

 I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.

 Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?

 Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her.

 I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.

 Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.

 Okay, see, that’s even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.

 Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.

 Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together.

 It’s not just the date. We haven’t talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor?

 Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything.

 I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years.

 Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.

 Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey.

 Sheldon, uh, okay, just because you’re going through this with Amy doesn’t mean that all women are bad.

 She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit.

 If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding.

 Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.

 Well, honey, don’t send it back yet. Your sister’s married, and I’m not letting your brother give my grandmother’s ring to that whore he’s dating.

 Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift.

 You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university.

 Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend.

 Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one.

 How am I supposed to sleep? I’ve been married less than 24 hours, and my wife isn’t speaking to me.

 You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy?

 Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again.

 Sheldon, this has to stop. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too. But I’ve seen and talked to you more in the two days we’ve been broken up than in the last two months that we were together.

 And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door.

 You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia?

 Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman?

 How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia?

 I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now.

 I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad.

 Well, you eloped and we didn’t get a chance to throw you a bachelor party, so there’s a van downstairs and we’re here to take you to a surprise location for the weekend.

 Well, Sheldon, there’s something about this van that you’re going to find very interesting.

 This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.

 I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.

 Okay, calm down. There’s a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman’s van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.

 If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now?

 Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool.

 Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.

 Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.

 Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.

 No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision.

 Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn’t a perfectly reasonable choice, but we’re scientists. Don’t you think we can figure this out using actual science?

 They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands.

 It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off.

 If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy’s ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.

 I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man.

 It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space.

 Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together.

 Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.

 I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life.

 I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening.

 Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not.

 Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here.

 Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog.

 The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her.

 Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.

 I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club.

 Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now.

 Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward.

 When you’re in a public restroom, which foot do you flush the toilet with?

 Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee.

 Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her.

 Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you.

 Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point.

 Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea.

 Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl.

 Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you.

 Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends?

 Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work.

 I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month.

 Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve.

 Sowwy, there’s a showtage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.

 Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.

 We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys.

 A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man.

 Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.

 Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me?

 Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me.

 Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.

 Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground.

 Okay, but now there’s this Swedish team that read our paper and they’re trying to beat us to our own discovery. We really need this helium.

 Well, for the right amount of money, if you know where they live, there’s, uh, plenty we could do about it.

 The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up.

 Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take.

 No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee.

 It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties.

 All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?

 Yes. Don’t take your shirt off just because the director said so.

 All right, we’re just gonna have a conversation. Pretend the camera’s not here.

 I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else.

 Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.

 And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman.

 I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there.

 If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?

 I have an idea. What if we put a post on Craigslist that says world-class Caltech physicist seeking girlfriend. If interested, solve the following puzzles for a chance to meet him.

 Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire.

 Well, if she can solve them, it’ll prove she’s intelligent, tenacious and so socially awkward she has nothing better to do on a Saturday night.

 Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives.

 Maybe you don’t want someone exactly like you. You know what they say, opposites attract.

 Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before.

 Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva.

 Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world.

 And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.

 Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends.

 Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine.

 Did you know they served shellfish and eel at the very first Thanksgiving?

 Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet.

 No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything.

 Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment.

 Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby.

 It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill.

 Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated.

 Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants.

 Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute.

 I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you.

 It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again.

 How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?

 Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.

 Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while?

 Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you.

 Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls?

 Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her.

 You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

 If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me.

 I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days.

 And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you?

 Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you.

 Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her.

 Okay. Good night. Wait. Um, Sheldon, were you actually not gonna spend my birthday with me?

 Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh) 

 Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin.

 Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers…

 Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts.

 What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know?

 Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay.

 Well, that’s, that’s very nice of you to say, but I think I’m just an expression of, of your unconscious mind.

 That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water.

 Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first.

 Well, I’ve been waiting for this for so long, I’ve just built it up in my head. I don’t know what to expect.

 It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to.

 Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

 Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me.

 Well, I should warn you, it’s just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

 Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.

 Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced.

 Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book.

 Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies.

 Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.

 Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found.

 Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is…

 Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery.

 So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.

 Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name?

 Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest.

 I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make.

 Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.

 Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended.

 No, no, not just that. I mean, Detroit is beautiful when it’s sleeting.

 Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?

 Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.

 Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them.

 Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on.

 Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance.

 Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come.

 Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come.

 Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour.

 You went to Emily’s to apologise, and when you left, she was crying.

 Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of…

 If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked.

 That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there.

 He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means.

 Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar.

 Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this?

 Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger.

 Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs.

 I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right?

 Sorry, Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.

 People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around.

 Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live.

 Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers.

 Since we’re live, you’ll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.

 No, Sheldon’s right. Emily did say I always talk about my feelings too much.

 Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties.

 Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.

 Before Emily, I was alone for so long. I just, I don’t know if I can do that again.

 No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard.

 It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this.

 Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?

 Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays.

 Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?

 And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me?

 Well, look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn’t have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.

 That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it.

 It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.

 I’d like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie. (Singing) Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me. Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ what you’re thinkin’ of me.

 Well, your birthday’s coming up, and you’ve never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.

 Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.

 Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit.

 Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on?

 I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever.

 Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it.

 That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too.

 My point is, there was a time I never would’ve been friends with someone like you, and now you are one of my favourite people. So, if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I’m happy to do it with you.

 What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack.

 If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.

 Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend.

 Sheldon, I know that we’ve had our ups and downs, but I can honestly say that my life is so much more interesting because you are in it. We may have met because you are a fan of Star Trek. But I have become a fan of Sheldon Cooper. Live long and prosper, buddy. And happy birthday.

 And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

 Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon.

 I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon.

 Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother.

 Okay, while they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say, I hope you didn’t think you were gonna get through tonight without a hug.

 So, I’ve reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we’ve got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.

 We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.

 Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.

 So, you’re just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?

 Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.

 Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me.

 Are you saying that his contributions aren’t as valuable as yours?

 Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too.

 Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow?

 Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date.

 Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer.

 Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W.

 Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this?

 It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too.

 Well, um, did you know I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain I ever dissected?

 That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you.

 Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.

 You know, if you really want to be in nature, why don’t we rent a cabin?

 You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.

 I know. Did you see they still have a video rental place? it’s like Colonial Williamsburg.

 Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought.

 Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed.

 But Batman is a man. You’re talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That’s just Man-Man.

 This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure.

 Because it’s important to him, and when we signed the roommate agreement, we made a deal.

 Mm, I think so. Dragons, snow zombies, and all the hot guys are dead.

 Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting.

 Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings.

 Oh, Sheldon, I never thought re-filing a matter in a standing subcommittee could be so fascinating.

 Oh, good, go. You know, it’ll be nice to watch an episode without someone saying, I read the books, don’t get too fond of this character.

 Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.

 It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it.

 Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding.

 ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies.

 Well, I’m going. You couldn’t stop me from getting a massage at the mall, and you’re not stopping me now.

 Oh, that’s great. I’ve been wanting her to meet you guys, too, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.

 They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions.

 Fine. Preliminary trial of the infinite persistence gyroscopic navigational system, phase one commencing.

 I storm in, slam my sword down, and say, barkeep, bring me the strongest ale you have and serve it in the skull of a goblin.

 Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought.

 Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight.

 Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system?

 Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go?

 Well, I can do without the 40-minute car ride where she criticizes every aspect of my life.

 That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah.

 Did you guys see there’s an Avengers screening? Joss Whedon’s gonna show some deleted scenes and do a question and answer session.

 It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you.

 Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets.

 Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?

 Oh, I’m not upset with you, but Amy’s pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.

 So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?

 We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair.

 The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description.

 I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair.

 Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here.

 I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.

 Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.

 Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.

 We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep.

 Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep.

 God, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was gonna make everyone uncomfortable, but now this.

 Oh, hey, and do yourself a favour, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night. All right? As far as you’re concerned, you don’t know anything, you didn’t see anything. I want you just to play dumb.

 I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.

 I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.

 Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap. 

 Yeah, special, like that. (Knock on door) That’s them. Please don’t make things any more awkward than they already are.

 If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.

 How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?

 No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.

 Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off.

 Not just Leonard and Penny’s love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.

 Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.

 So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?

 Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying.

 He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.

 Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.

 Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything.

 Someday, when I’m up on murder charges, you’ll be hearing from me.

 It’s a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too.

 Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know.

 We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.

 Guys, we’re not gonna get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try

 Well, Sheldon was supposed to go to this party with me this afternoon, but I don’t think that’s happening.

 Oh, I’ll have some wine and listen to people go on about crap I don’t understand. I mean, how is it any different than every single day of my life?

 You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it.

 All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these.

 You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch.

 Oh, it’s complicated. He finds pushing that little door and reaching up into the machine

 That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together?

 No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it?

 Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem?

 Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care.

 Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it.

 Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that.

 Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?

 Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same.

 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?

 Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone.

 Mm. Well, the biggie is, if she has an insane roommate, kick him out as soon as possible.

 That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that?

 Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it.

 Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations. 

 Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it.

 I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too.

 Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running.

 You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.

 Well, that’s it. For the next five weeks, we are officially living together.

 Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want.

 Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling.

 Sheldon, I’ve made more than enough accommodations for you. We’re both grown adults, we’ve been far more intimate than this. If you don’t want to snuggle, fine, but we’re not building a pillow wall.

 What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables.

 When you live with someone, there’s gonna be conflict. You just have to keep communicating.

 Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.

 You know, so does Leonard. Can’t I just get ready in the morning without him giving me his goofy thumbs-up? Hey-hey-hey.

 You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track.

 Oh, please, you’re barely interested in a physical relationship with one person. Why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?

 Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite.

 Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women.

 Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now?

 We’re doing good. I think Sheldon has something he would like to say to Amy.

 You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.

 Well, that’s not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have

 Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.

 As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band. 

 So, in the spirit of cohabitation, the theme of today’s episode is flags of two regions coming together as one. Such as the flag of St. Kitts and Nevis.

 No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word subject the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?

 I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work.

 Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago.

 She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early.

 Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing.

 Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while.

 Penny was just covering for me. My place has been ready for two weeks.

 Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together?

 Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.

 Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death.

 Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant.

 You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.

 Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.

 Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? ‘Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.

 Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to.

 Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells.

 Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network.

 Sheldon, this is a rudimentary collection of neurons. I mean, it’s remarkable, but it’s still limited in what it can do.

 Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit.

 Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl?

 You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices.

 Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two.

 And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it.

 Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool.

 I know, and it was the greatest sarcastic quip I’ve ever heard.

 Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny.

 You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets?

 You know, Sheldon, maybe if you take the time to actually read Bert’s research, you’d be less bitter about him winning.

 I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head.

 I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix.

 Do it. Visualize it as your anger and, and toss it out of your life.

 You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head.

 Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great.

 You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year.

 So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool?

 It’s not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.

 Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma.

 Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma.

 Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for.

 Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.

 Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen?

 Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend.

 A new study came out, and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that’s true because laughing has made me the smartiest. Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot, and they’re dumb.

 If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?

 Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.

 Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.

 Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody.

 It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.

 Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with.

 Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.

 Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.

 You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care.

 Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things?

 But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price.

 Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I’m happy about it.

 Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here.

 Oh, uh, I don’t know. Sheldon, you don’t want to do that, do you?

 Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush.

 Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track.

 One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter.

 I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous.

 I understand, but this is a special day for them. Can you just try and let it go?

 Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile.

 Oh, yay, I have a doctorate in astrophysics and I’m every bit as awesome as the pasty-faced owner of a comic book store.

 I’ve come to peace with my relationship with my parents. That was a big milestone for me.

 And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

 So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together.

 Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it.

 Thank you, God, for the food we are about to receive and for the nourishment of our bodies and bless the hands that prepared it. Amen.

 Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?

 They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share.

 Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled.

 Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you.

 Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.

 No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses.

 Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while.

 You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone.

 Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were.

 This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you.

 Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you.

 You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine.

 Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

 I don’t understand how that turns into the worst fight of your life.

 By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it.

 Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk.

 If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me.

 Its not that I’d stopped trying, its just how relationships progress. They start with infatuation, but over time mellow into something more comfortable.

 Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort. 

 Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more.

 No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough.

 Sheldon, I just heard from the guys at MIT about that emotion reader. They’re sending a prototype for you to beta test.

 No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here.

 It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon?

 Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight.

 Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay?

 Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.

 Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell.

 No, see, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings. And I’m proud of you, for reasons I’m sure have something to do with my father. And if you don’t like that machine, get rid of it. Because I love you exactly the way you are.

 Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.

 We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

 Let’s see. You’re better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don’t have to be us.

 Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you.

 Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out.

 Come on, you know you’re not leaving physics. Why are you doing this?

 And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store.

 We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin.

 Dig deep, like when we bet you couldn’t fit into Howard’s pants.

 Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.

 Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom.

 Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind.

 Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life.

 I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not.

 That’s different. She’s a close friend, not the lady in the cafeteria who cuts the crust off your sandwiches.

 Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking?

 So when I got up at 4am. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn’t have to?

 What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?

 Okay, Sheldon. Yeah, I’m putting you in charge of my finances. I will not spend another penny that you don’t authorize.

 No. Which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon’s job.

 Okay, you’re right, I got myself into this, but I’ve never missed a Comic-Con with you guys.

 Hang, hang on. So I have to bring Penny, you can’t afford it, Howard’s gonna get in trouble, and this guy gets to have a great time.

 Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con.

 Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy.

 No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it.

 Thank you, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to Comic-Con this year.

 I’ve been plenty of times. If I miss one, it’s fine. I’m a big boy.

 Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.

 And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you.

 Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right.

 There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.

 Well, this isn’t an easy time for him. He’s losing his apartment, he’s in debt, he’s probably humiliated.

 Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present.

 You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk.

 Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes?

 Clearly, your old room represents an escape hatch, and without it, you’re forced to confront the terrifying reality of being trapped in a relationship with Amy forever.

 Interesting. They’ve found a need to take yet another room mate. Seems they’re avoiding some harsh realities themselves.

 I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain.

 I don’t know. I just think you’re the kind of person who likes a contingency plan.

 I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it.

 Yes, I’m trying to figure out to the nanometer and the attosecond, precisely where and when an event of awareness takes place.

 You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on?

 Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?

 You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship?

 Sheldon, if we’re gonna have ground rules, I’ll tell you the first ground rule. I make the ground rules.

 Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid.

 Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat.

 Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better?

 You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea.

 That would mean that this delayed parameter should be increased 250 milliseconds.

 I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive.

 Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.

 We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.

 I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.

 How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero.

 Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition.

 Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face.

 Thanks, babe. Number three, fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mamas.

 Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to.

 Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow?

 Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?

 Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter.

 Well, if we run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler, it’ll be cooled immediately before it reacts with the conduction.

 Sheldon, this is silly. You can’t expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.

 Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong.

 I got to admit, we didn’t think you’d be able to do two things at once.

 You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say

 Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard.

 All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen.

 Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard.

 Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

 Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.

 Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began. 

 Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us?

 Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist.

 I came to Los Angeles to be an actress, and things didn’t really work out.

 She better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat-screen.

 I’m gonna hold out and see if I can find a hot young blonde who likes me for me.

 Look, sweetie, relationships aren’t about money, okay? It’s about respect and having things in common and… yes, Sheldon?

 Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags: A Retrospective Retrospective.

 Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.

 Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first.

 How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles?

 If you really want to challenge yourself, you could learn to speak Hindi.

 Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.

 Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills.

 You want a real challenge, try keeping me from eating more of these.

 And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm?

 No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it.

 Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle?

 Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up?

 That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you.

 Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books.

 Okay, fine, let’s say you never win a Nobel Prize. Let’s say you spend your life doing solid scientific research surrounded by friends and loved ones who appreciate you, not for what you’ve accomplished but for who you are as a man. Wouldn’t that be a life well-lived?

 Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.

 It’s a secure lab in a classified facility, only the U.S. government and us.

 I’m sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people’s feelings.

 Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain.

 You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new.

 Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks.

 Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first.

 Instead of dwelling on the negative, think about this. Your girlfriend was given an amazing opportunity, which gives you an opportunity to show her that you’re a loving and supportive boyfriend.

 Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while?

 It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar.

 Not ’til you tell me about your latest paper on quantum loop theory.

 The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting.

 I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day.

 Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her.

 Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend?

 Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry.

 Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you.

 Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more.

 Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

 Hang on.  One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.  Can I help you? Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?

 One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc’s capital idea, that’s Port-au-Prince. Haiti.  Can I help you? Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?

 If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here. I think this is the place. Fill these out. Thank-you. We’ll be right back.

 I think this is the place. Fill these out. Thank-you. We’ll be right back.

 Fill these out. Thank-you. We’ll be right back. Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait. Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.

 Thank-you. We’ll be right back. Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait. Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.

 Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait. Leonard, I don’t think I can do this.

 Oh, take your time. I’ll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait. Leonard, I don’t think I can do this. What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.  No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

 Leonard, I don’t think I can do this. What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.  No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

 What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.  No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

 What, are you kidding? You’re a semi-pro.  No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers. Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

 No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers. Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

 Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.

 Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment. I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve. I’m sure she’ll still love him. I wouldn’t.

 I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve. I’m sure she’ll still love him. I wouldn’t.

 I’m sure she’ll still love him. I wouldn’t. Well, what do you want to do? I want to leave.

 Well, what do you want to do? I want to leave. Okay. What’s the protocol for leaving?

 Okay. What’s the protocol for leaving? I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before. Let’s try just walking out.

 What’s the protocol for leaving? I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before. Let’s try just walking out.

 I don’t know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before. Let’s try just walking out.

 No. You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs? Not really. If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

 You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs? Not really. If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

 Not really. If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

 Not really. If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip. I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right. No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

 If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip. I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right. No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

 I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right. No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

 I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right. No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle. Is that why they sent you to boarding school? No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

 No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle. Is that why they sent you to boarding school? No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

 Is that why they sent you to boarding school? No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

 Is that why they sent you to boarding school? No, that was the result of my work with lasers. New neighbour? Evidently.

 No, that was the result of my work with lasers. New neighbour? Evidently.

 Evidently. Significant improvement over the old neighbour. Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is. Oh, hi!

 Significant improvement over the old neighbour. Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is. Oh, hi!

 Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is. Oh, hi!

 Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is. Oh, hi! Hi. Hi.

 Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms. Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny. Leonard, Sheldon. Hi.

 Oh, okay, well, guess I’m your new neighbour, Penny. Leonard, Sheldon. Hi.

 Hi.  Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building. Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime. Oh, great.

 Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building. Thankyou, maybe we can have coffee sometime. Oh, great.

 Bye. Bye.  Should we have invited her for lunch? No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

 Bye.  Should we have invited her for lunch? No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

 Should we have invited her for lunch? No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

 Should we have invited her for lunch? No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica. We already watched the Season Two DVDs. Not with commentary.

 No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica. We already watched the Season Two DVDs. Not with commentary.

 We already watched the Season Two DVDs. Not with commentary. I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

 Not with commentary. I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

 I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

 I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome. We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over. Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle. I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. 

 We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over. Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle. I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. 

 Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle. I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. 

 Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle. I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.  Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. That’s the beauty of it.

 I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.  Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. That’s the beauty of it.

 Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. That’s the beauty of it.

 Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. That’s the beauty of it. I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat. Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.

 That’s the beauty of it. I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat. Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.

 I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat. Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.

 Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline. Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response. To what end? Hi. Again.

 Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response. To what end? Hi. Again.

 Oh, you’re inviting me over to eat? Uh, yes. Oh, that’s so nice, I’d love to. Great.

 Okay, thankyou. You’re very welcome. This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this? Actually that’s my work.

 You’re very welcome. This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this? Actually that’s my work.

 This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this? Actually that’s my work.

 This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this? Actually that’s my work. Wow. Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

 Actually that’s my work. Wow. Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

 Wow. Yeah, well, it’s just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that’s just a joke, it’s a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

 So you’re like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys. Yeah.  This is really impressive. I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

 Yeah.  This is really impressive. I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

 This is really impressive. I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

 This is really impressive. I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board. Holy smokes. If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.

 I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board. Holy smokes. If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.

 Holy smokes. If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.

 Holy smokes. If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure. What? Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”

 If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure. What? Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”

 What? Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”

 What? Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?” At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. I didn’t invent them, they’re there.

 Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?” At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. I didn’t invent them, they’re there.

 At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. I didn’t invent them, they’re there.

 At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out. I didn’t invent them, they’re there. In what universe? In all of them, that is the point.

 I didn’t invent them, they’re there. In what universe? In all of them, that is the point.

 In what universe? In all of them, that is the point. Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.

 In all of them, that is the point. Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.

 Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Um, Penny, that’s where I sit.

 Uh, do you guys mind if I start? Um, Penny, that’s where I sit. So, sit next to me.  No, I sit there.

 Um, Penny, that’s where I sit. So, sit next to me.  No, I sit there.

 So, sit next to me.  No, I sit there. What’s the difference? What’s the difference?

 What’s the difference? What’s the difference? Here we go. In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

 What’s the difference? Here we go. In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

 Here we go. In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. 

 Here we go. In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.  Do you want me to move? Well.

 In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.  Do you want me to move? Well.

 Do you want me to move? Well. Just sit somewhere else. Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)

 Well. Just sit somewhere else. Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)

 Just sit somewhere else. Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)

 Just sit somewhere else. Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.) Sheldon, sit! Aaah!

 Sheldon, sit! Aaah! Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over. That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 

 Aaah! Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over. That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 

 Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over. That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time. 

 Well this is nice. We don’t have a lot of company over. That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.  Yes I now, but… Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

 That’s not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.  Yes I now, but… Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

 Yes I now, but… Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.

 Yes I now, but… Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning. Yes, I remember. I resent you saying we don’t have company.

 Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning. Yes, I remember. I resent you saying we don’t have company.

 That is an antisocial implication. I said I’m sorry. So, Klingon boggle? Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

 I said I’m sorry. So, Klingon boggle? Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

 So, Klingon boggle? Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

 Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you.

 Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know. Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality. Participate in the what? I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.

 Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality. Participate in the what? I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.

 Participate in the what? I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.

 I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess.

 Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.  That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn. Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job? Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 That’s interesting. Leonard can’t process corn. Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job? Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job? Oh, yeah, I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 Well it sounds wonderful. It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.  What’s happening. I don’t know.

 It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.  What’s happening. I don’t know.

 Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that’s like as long as High School.  It took you four years to get through High School? Don’t. I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.

 It took you four years to get through High School? Don’t. I just, I can’t believe I trusted him.

 Don’t. I just, I can’t believe I trusted him. Should I say something? I feel like I should say something. You? No, you’ll only make it worse.

 I just, I can’t believe I trusted him. Should I say something? I feel like I should say something. You? No, you’ll only make it worse.

 Should I say something? I feel like I should say something. You? No, you’ll only make it worse.

 Yes.  No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse. Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work. Our shower works.

 No, it’s not crazy it’s, uh, uh, it’s a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn’t make it worse. Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work. Our shower works.

 Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work. Our shower works.

 Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess, and on top of everything else I’m all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn’t even work. Our shower works. Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it? Yes. 

 Our shower works. Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it? Yes. 

 No. It’s right down the hall. Thanks. You guys are really sweet. Well this is an interesting development. 

 It’s right down the hall. Thanks. You guys are really sweet. Well this is an interesting development. 

 Thanks. You guys are really sweet. Well this is an interesting development. 

 Thanks. You guys are really sweet. Well this is an interesting development.  How so? It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

 Well this is an interesting development.  How so? It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

 How so? It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

 How so? It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment. That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode. Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 

 It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment. That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode. Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 

 That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode. Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out. 

 That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer’s had that episode. Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.  The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

 Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.  The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

 The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

 The worst part was watching her carve that turkey. So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Excuse me? That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.

 So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here? Excuse me? That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.

 Excuse me? That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you.

 Excuse me? That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you. Well I’m not trying to have sex with her. Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.

 That woman in there’s not going to have sex with you. Well I’m not trying to have sex with her. Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.

 Well I’m not trying to have sex with her. Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed.

 Well I’m not trying to have sex with her. Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed. What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female? Yes, but not of the same species.

 Oh, good. Then you won’t be disappointed. What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female? Yes, but not of the same species.

 What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female? Yes, but not of the same species.

 What makes you think she wouldn’t have sex with me, I’m a male and she’s a female? Yes, but not of the same species. I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour. Oh, of course.

 Yes, but not of the same species. I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour. Oh, of course.

 I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a good neighbour. Oh, of course.

 This is not a good time. It’s before he became a creepy computer voice:. That’s great, you guys have to go. Why?

 It’s before he became a creepy computer voice:. That’s great, you guys have to go. Why?

 Uh-huh. And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus? I’m not anticipating coitus. So she’s available for coitus?

 And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus? I’m not anticipating coitus. So she’s available for coitus?

 It’s just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you’ve just met. Wow.

 Must we? Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events? She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon. Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

 Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events? She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon. Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

 She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon. Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

 She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon. Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause. Which is? You think with your penis.

 Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause. Which is? You think with your penis.

 Which is? You think with your penis. That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come. Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.

 You think with your penis. That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come. Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.

 That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come. Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV.

 That’s a biological impossibility and you didn’t have to come. Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV. Come on, you know how it is with break-ups. No I don’t. And neither do you.

 Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can’t she get her own TV. Come on, you know how it is with break-ups. No I don’t. And neither do you.

 Come on, you know how it is with break-ups. No I don’t. And neither do you.

 Come on, you know how it is with break-ups. No I don’t. And neither do you. Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim. You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

 No I don’t. And neither do you. Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim. You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

 Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim. You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

 Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim. You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea. To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him. So we get to have a scene with him?

 You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea. To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him. So we get to have a scene with him?

 To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There’s some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him. So we get to have a scene with him?

 Yeah. Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon. Hello. What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.

 Hi, I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon. Hello. What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV.

 Hello. What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV. Get lost. Okay, thanks for your time.

 What did I just…. Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny’s TV. Get lost. Okay, thanks for your time.

 Get lost. Okay, thanks for your time. We’re not going to give up just like that. Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

 Okay, thanks for your time. We’re not going to give up just like that. Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

 We’re not going to give up just like that. Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

 Okay, thanks for your time. We’re not going to give up just like that. Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

 We’re not going to give up just like that. Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

 Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

 Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done. Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang. My apologies. What’s your plan. It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

 Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang. My apologies. What’s your plan. It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

 My apologies. What’s your plan. It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

 Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building. What do you think their combined IQ is? Just grab the door.

 Yeah? I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon. From the intercom. How the hell did you get in the building?

 I’m Leonard, this is Sheldon. From the intercom. How the hell did you get in the building?

 My mom bought me those pants. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to call her.

 Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this. It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last. And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Well you got me out of my pants.

 It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last. And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Well you got me out of my pants.

 And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Well you got me out of my pants.

 And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Well you got me out of my pants. Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone. Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.

 Well you got me out of my pants. Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone. Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.

 Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She’s out of my league, I’m done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I’ll win the Nobel Prize and then I’ll die alone. Don’t think like that, you’re not going to die alone.

 We’re home. Oh, my God, what happened? Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory. I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.

 Oh, my God, what happened? Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory. I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.

 Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory. I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.

 I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass.

 I’m so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn’t be such an ass. No, it was a valid hypothesis. That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you? Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

 No, it was a valid hypothesis. That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you? Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

 That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you? Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

 Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

 That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you? Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay? Really? Great. Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?

 Really, thank you so much for going and trying you’re, uh, you’re so terrific. Why don’t you put some clothes on, I’ll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay? Really? Great. Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?

 Our babies will be smart and beautiful. Not to mention imaginary.

 Sure. We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch. So? They’re both curry based cuisines.

 We can’t have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch. So? They’re both curry based cuisines.

 They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl. Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.) Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke. That sounds like fun.

 Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.) Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke. That sounds like fun.

 Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke. That sounds like fun.

 There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts. But does it have peanut oil? Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up. Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

 But does it have peanut oil? Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up. Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

 Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up. Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

 Uh, I’m not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up. Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine. Are there any chopsticks? You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

 Since it’s not bee season, you can have my epinephrine. Are there any chopsticks? You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

 Are there any chopsticks? You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

 I’m sorry? Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian? No, I haven’t. Get used to it.

 Haven’t you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian? No, I haven’t. Get used to it.

 No, I haven’t. Get used to it. Yeah, I probably won’t, but… Hey Sheldon. Hi.

 Great, here’s my spare key. Thank you. Penny, wait. Yeah? Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

 Penny, wait. Yeah? Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

 Yeah? Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

 Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

 Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon? A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there? You’re kidding, right? Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 

 A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there? You’re kidding, right? Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 

 You’re kidding, right? Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 

 Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that? 

 You’re kidding, right? Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?  One. (Raj raises one finger).  You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

 Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?  One. (Raj raises one finger).  You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

 One. (Raj raises one finger).  You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

 One. (Raj raises one finger).  You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy. Yes, I know, men can’t fly. Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 

 You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy. Yes, I know, men can’t fly. Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 

 Yes, I know, men can’t fly. Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces. 

 Yes, I know, men can’t fly. Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.  Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.  In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

 Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.  Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.  In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

 Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.  In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

 Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.  In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death. Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength. Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.

 In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death. Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength. Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.

 Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength. Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.

 Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun. Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night. Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells. I’m just going to go wash up.

 Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night. Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells. I’m just going to go wash up.

 Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells. I’m just going to go wash up.

 I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells. Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out. Also, the pretty girl left.

 Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out. Also, the pretty girl left.

 Okay, her apartment’s on the fourth floor but the elevator’s broken so you’re going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you’re just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we’ll just bring it up ourselves. I hardly think so.  Why not? Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

 I hardly think so.  Why not? Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

 Why not? Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

 Why not? Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength. We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this. Archimedes would be so proud.

 Well, we don’t have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength. We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this. Archimedes would be so proud.

 We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this. Archimedes would be so proud.

 We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t have this I don’t have this. Archimedes would be so proud. Do you have any ideas? Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.

 Archimedes would be so proud. Do you have any ideas? Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.

 Do you have any ideas? Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.

 Do you have any ideas? Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring. Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.  Exactly half.

 Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring. Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.  Exactly half.

 Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.  Exactly half.

 Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.  Exactly half. Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.  What’s your formula for the corner.

 Exactly half. Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.  What’s your formula for the corner.

 Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.  What’s your formula for the corner.

 Exactly half. Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.  What’s your formula for the corner. What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

 Exactly half. Let’s push. Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.  What’s your formula for the corner. What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

 What’s your formula for the corner. What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

 What’s your formula for the corner. What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn. Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

 What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn. Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

 Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch. You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

 You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman? Men do things for women without expecting sex. Yeah, those are men who just had sex. I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.

 Men do things for women without expecting sex. Yeah, those are men who just had sex. I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.

 Yeah, those are men who just had sex. I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.

 I’m doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there’s no way it could lower the odds.

 Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down) No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.

 You okay? No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place? So Penny’s a little messy. A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 

 No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place? So Penny’s a little messy. A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 

 So Penny’s a little messy. A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale. 

 So Penny’s a little messy. A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.  Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them? No.

 A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.  Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them? No.

 Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them? No.

 Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them? No. Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content. Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.

 No. Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content. Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.

 Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content. Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.

 Well they don’t. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don’t sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content. Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times. Come on, we should go. Hang on.

 Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times. Come on, we should go. Hang on.

 Come on, we should go. Hang on. What are you doing? Straightening up.

 What are you doing? Straightening up. Sheldon, this is not your home. This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

 Straightening up. Sheldon, this is not your home. This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

 Sheldon, this is not your home. This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

 Sheldon, this is not your home. This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy. When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place. Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

 This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy. When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place. Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

 When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the place. Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

 What were you doing in his closet? I helped run some cable for a webcam. Hey guys. Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

 I helped run some cable for a webcam. Hey guys. Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

 Hey guys. Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

 Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

 Hey guys. Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now. Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs? (sucks in breath)

 Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now. Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs? (sucks in breath)

 Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs? (sucks in breath) No. No?

 Sheldon! Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping. Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean. I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

 Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping. Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean. I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

 Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean. I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

 Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean. I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this. Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here? I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

 I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this. Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here? I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

 Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here? I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

 Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here? I just gave you a reasonable explanation. No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers. Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

 I just gave you a reasonable explanation. No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers. Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

 No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers. Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

 No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers. Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers. Sheldon, we have to get out of here. You might want to speak in a lower register.

 Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers. Sheldon, we have to get out of here. You might want to speak in a lower register.

 Sheldon, we have to get out of here. You might want to speak in a lower register.

 Sheldon, we have to get out of here. You might want to speak in a lower register. What? Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

 You might want to speak in a lower register. What? Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

 What? Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

 What? Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register. That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.) No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.

 Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register. That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.) No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.

 That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.) No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous.

 That’s ridiculous. (Penny snores again.) No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous. Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go. I am not leaving until I’m done.

 No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that’s ridiculous. Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go. I am not leaving until I’m done.

 Fine. I accept your premise, now please let’s go. I am not leaving until I’m done.

 If you have time to lean, you have time to clean. Oh, what the hell.

 Morning.  I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well. I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean. Sarcasm?

 I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well. I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean. Sarcasm?

 I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean. Sarcasm?

 I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour’s apartment and clean. Sarcasm? You think? Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.

 Sarcasm? You think? Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.

 You think? Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.

 You think? Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life. You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet. You don’t think that crosses a line?

 Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life. You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet. You don’t think that crosses a line?

 You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet. You don’t think that crosses a line?

 You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet. You don’t think that crosses a line? Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth. You have a sarcasm sign?

 You don’t think that crosses a line? Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth. You have a sarcasm sign?

 Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth. You have a sarcasm sign?

 Do you want some cereal. I’m feeling so good today I’m going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs. Son of a Bitch! Penny’s up. You sick, geeky bastards!

 You sick, geeky bastards! How did she know it was us? I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet. Leonard!

 How did she know it was us? I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet. Leonard!

 I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom closet. Leonard!

 Leonard! God, this is going to be bad. Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran. You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?

 God, this is going to be bad. Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran. You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?

 Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran. You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?

 Give me back my key. I’m very, very sorry. Do you understand how creepy this is. Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.

 I’m very, very sorry. Do you understand how creepy this is. Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.

 Do you understand how creepy this is. Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.

 Do you understand how creepy this is. Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night. In my apartment, while I was sleeping. And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.

 Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night. In my apartment, while I was sleeping. And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.

 In my apartment, while I was sleeping. And snoring. And that’s probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It’s a throat doctor.

 Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh! God! Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more. Stay away from me.

 God! Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more. Stay away from me.

 Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more. Stay away from me.

 Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you’re feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you’re feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more. Stay away from me. Sure, that’s another way to go. Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

 Stay away from me. Sure, that’s another way to go. Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

 Sure, that’s another way to go. Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.

 Sure, that’s another way to go. Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive. You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny? That wasn’t sarcasm?

 Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive. You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny? That wasn’t sarcasm?

 You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny? That wasn’t sarcasm?

 You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. (Sheldon laughs.) What’s funny? That wasn’t sarcasm? No. Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.

 That wasn’t sarcasm? No. Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.

 No. Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD’s, I should not have to do this.

 Leonard. Yeah. We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)

 Yeah. We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)

 We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)

 Check. One package, Phillips head screws. Check. Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 

 One package, Phillips head screws. Check. Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 

 Check. Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 

 Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre. 

 Oh boy, I was afraid of this. What? These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program. Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.

 What? These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program. Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.

 These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program. Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.

 These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program. Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store. It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted. We could put her stereo back there.

 Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store. It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted. We could put her stereo back there.

 It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted. We could put her stereo back there.

 We could put her stereo back there. And control it how? Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.  Good point, how you gonna cool it?

 And control it how? Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.  Good point, how you gonna cool it?

 Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.  Good point, how you gonna cool it?

 Also inefficient, and might be loud. How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC… Guys, this is actually really simple. Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

 How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC… Guys, this is actually really simple. Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

 Guys, this is actually really simple. Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

 Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

 Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here. Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir? And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.  Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 

 Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir? And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.  Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 

 And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.  Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 

 Guys, it’s hot in here, I think I’ll just take off all my clothes. 

 Okay, this place does look pretty good. Robert Cohen & Dave Goetsch Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady

 Good lord! Oooh. Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about. Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

 Oooh. Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about. Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

 Don’t panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about. Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

 Stay frosty, there’s a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

 That’s alright, my tail’s prehensile, I’ll swat him off. I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood! Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us! Oooh, he’s got me.

 I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood! Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us! Oooh, he’s got me.

 Raj, no, it’s a trap, they’re flanking us! Oooh, he’s got me. Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon! I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!

 Oooh, he’s got me. Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon! I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!

 Sheldon, he’s got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon! I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!

 I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth! Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj. There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster! Leonard look out!

 Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj. There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster! Leonard look out!

 There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster! Leonard look out!

 Dammit man, we’re dying here.  Goodbye, peasants.  The bastard teleported.  He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.

 Goodbye, peasants.  The bastard teleported.  He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.

 The bastard teleported.  He’s selling the Sword of Azeroth on ebay.

 Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here. Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mailman. Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.  Okay, well, thank you, again.

 Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mailman. Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.  Okay, well, thank you, again.

 Oh no, that’s probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.  Okay, well, thank you, again.

 What’s the matter. No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and… Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?  What is wrong with you?

 No, I’m fine. Penny’s fine, the guy she’s kissing is really fine and… Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?  What is wrong with you?

 Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?  What is wrong with you?

 I’m a romantic. Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy. No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with. Because he looked better than you?

 Please don’t tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy. No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with. Because he looked better than you?

 No, I’m not jealous, I’m just a little concerned for her. I didn’t like the look of the guy that she was with. Because he looked better than you?

 Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don’t crash into geek mountain again. I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.  Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed. Like who?

 I disagree, love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.  Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed. Like who?

 Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed. Like who?

 Well, I’m done with Penny. I’m going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed. Like who? I don’t know. Olivia Geiger? The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?

 Like who? I don’t know. Olivia Geiger? The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?

 I don’t know. Olivia Geiger? The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?

 That depends. When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it? Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side.  Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics? You might be bound by them right now.

 Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side.  Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics? You might be bound by them right now.

 Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics? You might be bound by them right now.

 Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics? You might be bound by them right now. That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm? Of course not. 

 You might be bound by them right now. That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm? Of course not. 

 That’s true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm? Of course not. 

 Of course not.  Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered? Well, no. I smell robot. 

 Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered? Well, no. I smell robot. 

 Hey, what’s going on. The internet’s been down for half an hour.  Also, Sheldon may be a robot.  So, how did it go with Lesley? 

 The internet’s been down for half an hour.  Also, Sheldon may be a robot.  So, how did it go with Lesley? 

 Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.  I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. 

 I think Mrs Tishman’s got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you’re in for a treat. 

 You don’t know me, you don’t wear my chains… God, that’s a good song.  If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.  Leonard, listen to me…

 If you’re compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you. I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.  Leonard, listen to me…

 I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.  Leonard, listen to me…

 I know what you’re thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There’s a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.  Leonard, listen to me… I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.  Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

 Leonard, listen to me… I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.  Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

 I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.  Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

 I’ve been thinking about names, I’m kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.  Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat? Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat. Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. 

 Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat? Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat. Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. 

 Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat. Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny. 

 Maybe, if it’s a cute little cuddly cat. Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.  It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.  Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 

 Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.  It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.  Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 

 It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.  Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out. 

 It doesn’t matter. The woman’s not interested in me, the woman rejected me.  Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.  You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out. No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 

 Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the centre of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.  You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out. No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 

 You’re right. I didn’t ask her out, I should ask her out. No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don’t buy a cat. 

 I’ll get my chisel. Why? To… carve the… okay, I’ll see you six thirty.

 How do I look? Could you be more specific? Can you tell I’m perspiring a little? No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

 Could you be more specific? Can you tell I’m perspiring a little? No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

 Can you tell I’m perspiring a little? No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

 Can you tell I’m perspiring a little? No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date? Six thirty.  Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 

 No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date? Six thirty.  Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 

 Six thirty.  Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate. 

 Six thirty.  Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.  Is it too much? Not if you’re a rugby team. 

 Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.  Is it too much? Not if you’re a rugby team. 

 Is it too much? Not if you’re a rugby team.  By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.  Why would I join you?

 Not if you’re a rugby team.  By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.  Why would I join you?

 By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.  Why would I join you?

 By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn’t join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.  Why would I join you? No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

 Why would I join you? No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

 No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

 No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.  Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening. You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well. Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

 Oh, no, no, no, well now, there’s always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening. You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well. Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

 You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well. Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

 You’re right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well. Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code. You could have stopped at “it could go well.” If I could of, I would of. 

 Of course, there’s the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code. You could have stopped at “it could go well.” If I could of, I would of. 

 You could have stopped at “it could go well.” If I could of, I would of. 

 You could have stopped at “it could go well.” If I could of, I would of.  I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God! Is the sex starting now?

 If I could of, I would of.  I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God! Is the sex starting now?

 I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God! Is the sex starting now?

 I mean, I’m a perfectly nice guy. There’s no reason we couldn’t go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there’s a pause, we both know what’s happening, I lean in, we kiss, it’s a little tentative at first but then I realise, she’s kissing me back, and she’s biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God! Is the sex starting now? I’m having a panic attack. Oh, okay, well then, calm down.

 Is the sex starting now? I’m having a panic attack. Oh, okay, well then, calm down.

 I’m having a panic attack. Oh, okay, well then, calm down. If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack. Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

 Oh, okay, well then, calm down. If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack. Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

 If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack. Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

 If I could calm down I wouldn’t be having a panic attack, that’s why they call it a panic attack. Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes. Why? Just do it.

 Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes. Why? Just do it.

 Why? Just do it. Okay. Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.

 Just do it. Okay. Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.

 Okay. Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity. What? It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

 Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity. What? It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

 What? It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

 What? It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere. Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel. Me?

 It’s a bio-feedback technique, it’s relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere. Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel. Me?

 Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel. Me?

 Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t go through with this, you need to call her and cancel. Me? Yes. What should I tell her.

 Yes. What should I tell her. I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick. Okay.

 I don’t know. Tell her I’m sick. Okay. Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again. Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.

 Okay. Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again. Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.

 Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again. Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back.

 Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she’ll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again. Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back. Give me the phone.  But I thought you wanted to cancel?

 Got it. So I’m assuming nothing venereal. I’ll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven’t quite bounced back. Give me the phone.  But I thought you wanted to cancel?

 Okay, I was just checking. When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. 

 When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she’s been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I’m going to go lay down for a while, good night. 

 Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility? Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place. Interesting. Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. 

 Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place. Interesting. Yeah, it really takes the pressure off. 

 Interesting. Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.  Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.) It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. 

 Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.  Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.) It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. 

 Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.) It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that. 

 Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.) It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.  Then I guess congratulations are in order. No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.

 It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.  Then I guess congratulations are in order. No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.

 Then I guess congratulations are in order. No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party.

 Then I guess congratulations are in order. No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party. I know, I’m familiar with you. At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

 No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I’m not going to enjoy this party. I know, I’m familiar with you. At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

 I know, I’m familiar with you. At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

 I know, I’m familiar with you. At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes. Yes, I was there. You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?

 At the last department party, Dr Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes. Yes, I was there. You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?

 Yes, I was there. You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard?

 Yes, I was there. You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard? What? Nothing.

 You know what’s interesting about caves, Leonard? What? Nothing.

 What? Nothing. Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.  How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

 Nothing. Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.  How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

 Well then we’ll avoid Finkleday, we’ll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.  How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.

 Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America. You don’t have buffets in India? Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me. Well here’s an interesting turn of events.

 You don’t have buffets in India? Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me. Well here’s an interesting turn of events.

 Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me. Well here’s an interesting turn of events.

 Right. Sorry. Here comes our new boss, be polite. Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser. Howard Wolowitz.

 Here comes our new boss, be polite. Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser. Howard Wolowitz.

 Howard, nice to meet you, and you are? An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?

 I can’t believe he fired me. Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts. In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”

 Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts. In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”

 Morning Morning. You’re making eggs for breakfast? This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. 

 Morning. You’re making eggs for breakfast? This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. 

 You’re making eggs for breakfast? This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment. 

 You’re making eggs for breakfast? This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment.  Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast. I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

 This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment.  Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast. I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

 Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast. I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.

 Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast. I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste. Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon. As do I.

 I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste. Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon. As do I.

 Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon. As do I. You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back. I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.

 As do I. You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back. I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.

 You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back. I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it.

 You know, I’m sure if you just apologised to Gablehauser he would give you your job back. I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it. Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs. I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.

 I don’t want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at greaseboards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I’m going to savour it. Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs. I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.

 Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs. I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs.

 Okay. I’ll let you get back to fixing your eggs. I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs. And we all thank you. Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).

 I’m not just fixing my eggs, I’m fixing everyone’s eggs. And we all thank you. Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).

 And we all thank you. Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).

 And we all thank you. Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door). Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything? Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

 Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door). Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything? Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

 Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything? Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

 Hi, hey. I’m running out to the market, do you guys need anything? Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence. I’m sorry? I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.

 Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence. I’m sorry? I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.

 I’m sorry? I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice. Four dozen? Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

 I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice. Four dozen? Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

 Four dozen? Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.

 Okay, one more time? Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you. Oh, yay!

 Never mind, you won’t get it right, I’d better come with you. Oh, yay!

 How come you didn’t go into work today. I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds.  So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. 

 I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds.  So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. 

 So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah. 

 So you got canned, huh? Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.  Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.  No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 

 Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.  Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.  No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 

 Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.  No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved. 

 Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.  No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.  No, no, I meant… Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

 No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.  No, no, I meant… Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

 No, no, I meant… Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.

 No, no, I meant… Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door. Never mind.  Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.

 Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door. Never mind.  Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.

 Never mind.  Slow down. Slow down, please slow down. We’re fine. Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.

 Slow down. Slow down, please slow down. We’re fine. Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.

 We’re fine. Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.

 We’re fine. Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars. Oh, sure I am. No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.

 Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars. Oh, sure I am. No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.

 Oh, sure I am. No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.

 Oh, sure I am. No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you. 120? Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

 No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you. 120? Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

 120? Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

 120? Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth? Well, yeah. Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth? Well, yeah. Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.

 Well, yeah. Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400lb.

 Let’s say 4,390.  Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.

 Thank you. No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes. Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.  Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

 No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes. Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.  Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

 Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.  Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.

 Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn’t you say you needed some eggs.  Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket. Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.  No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 

 Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket. Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.  No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 

 Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.  No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re technically a fruit. 

 Interesting. Isn’t it? No, I mean what you find enjoyable.  Oh boy.

 No, I mean what you find enjoyable.  Oh boy. What now? Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 

 Oh boy. What now? Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 

 What now? Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine. 

 Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.  Well then you’ll want some manganese.

 Oh, I don’t know Sheldon, it’s going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.  Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time. What? Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

 Are you sure. There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month’s supply at a time. What? Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

 What? Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.

 What? Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years. You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons? Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

 Well think about it, it’s a product that doesn’t spoil, and you’re going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years. You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons? Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

 You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons? Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?

 Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause? Okay, I’m not talking about this with you. Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?

 Okay, I’m not talking about this with you. Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28 day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?

 Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something. I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.  What’s with the fish? It’s an experiment. 

 I think it’s her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.  What’s with the fish? It’s an experiment. 

 What’s with the fish? It’s an experiment.  What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.

 It’s an experiment.  What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.

 What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be.

 What happened to your scrambled egg research? Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be. So… fish.  I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

 Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever going to be. So… fish.  I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

 So… fish.  I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.

 So… fish.  I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights. Fish nightlights. It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!

 I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights. Fish nightlights. It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!

 Fish nightlights. It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh! Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back. Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.

 It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh! Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back. Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.

 Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back. Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.

 Mum’s the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don’t want to just apologise to Gablehauser and get your job back. Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do. Like luminous fish. Shhhhh!

 Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do. Like luminous fish. Shhhhh!

 I didn’t know what else to do, he’s lost all focus, every day he’s got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one.  Mommy. Hi baby. You called my mother?

 Hi baby. You called my mother? Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice. Thank you.

 You called my mother? Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice. Thank you.

 Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice. Thank you. Honey, why did you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

 Thank you. Honey, why did you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

 Honey, why did you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?

 Honey, why did you get a loom? I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here? Leonard called me.  I know, but why?

 I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here? Leonard called me.  I know, but why?

 Leonard called me.  I know, but why? Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.  This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 

 I know, but why? Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.  This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 

 Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.  This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother. 

 Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.  This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother.  Really, when was the last time you left the house. I went to the market with Penny.

 This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s mother.  Really, when was the last time you left the house. I went to the market with Penny.

 Really, when was the last time you left the house. I went to the market with Penny.

 Really, when was the last time you left the house. I went to the market with Penny. That was three weeks ago. Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.

 I went to the market with Penny. That was three weeks ago. Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.

 That was three weeks ago. Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby.

 That was three weeks ago. Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby. Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you. Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 

 Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she’s going to get very crabby. Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you. Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 

 Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you. Yes, well I’m not a child, I’m a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don’t need someone telling on me to my mother. 

 Shhh! You’ll spook him. He’s like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you. This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away) You don’t hunt, do you?

 This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away) You don’t hunt, do you?

 Good morning, snicker-doodle.  Morning. Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that? It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 

 Morning. Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that? It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 

 Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that? It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form. 

 Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that? It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form.  But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, mom?

 It’s my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form.  But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, mom?

 But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, mom?

 But intelligently designed by a creator, right? What do you want, mom? You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Yeah.

 What do you want, mom? You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Yeah.

 You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Yeah.

 You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Yeah. Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on. What for?

 Yeah. Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on. What for?

 Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on. What for?

 Well, I’m done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on. What for? Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.  No.

 What for? Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.  No.

 Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.  No.

 Because you’re going to go down to your office, you’re going to apologise to your boss, and get your job back.  No. I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?” I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

 No. I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?” I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

 I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?” I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

 I’m sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?” I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.  Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out. Why not?

 I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.  Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out. Why not?

 Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around pointing it out. Why not?

 Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup. 

 Well, actually…. Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here.  Dr Gablehouser. Dr Cooper.

 Sheldon, he’s just doodling, get in here.  Dr Gablehouser. Dr Cooper.

 Recently? Long enough.  Please. Sheldon, shouldn’t you be working? Okay.

 Please. Sheldon, shouldn’t you be working? Okay. Hey, how did it go? I got my job back.

 Really? What happened? I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.  That narrows it down. 

 I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.  That narrows it down. 

 Alright, my boss says you either have to order, or leave and never come back.  What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk? A shower.  I’ll take the heart smart platter.

 What do you recommend for someone who worked up a man-sized appetite from a morning of weight training and cardio-funk? A shower.  I’ll take the heart smart platter.

 A shower.  I’ll take the heart smart platter. Alright, thank you, and Sheldon. We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.

 I’ll take the heart smart platter. Alright, thank you, and Sheldon. We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.

 Alright, thank you, and Sheldon. We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good.

 Alright, thank you, and Sheldon. We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good. Well, it’s all good.  Statistically unlikely. 

 We don’t eat here, I don’t know what’s good. Well, it’s all good.  Statistically unlikely. 

 Statistically unlikely.  Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers. I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.  I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. 

 Just get a hamburger, you like hamburgers. I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.  I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. 

 I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.  I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger. 

 I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can’t make the assumption that I’ll like the hamburgers here.  I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger.  Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger? Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 

 I’m sorry. Give him a hamburger.  Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger? Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 

 Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger? Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy. 

 Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger? Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.  The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.  Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

 Can’t we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.  The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.  Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

 The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.  Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?

 The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.  Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy? Because you are not at Big Boy! Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. 

 Excuse me, in a world that already includes the Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy? Because you are not at Big Boy! Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. 

 Because you are not at Big Boy! Fine, I’ll have the Barbecue Burger. 

 Make it two.  Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy.  Hey Leonard, hi guys.  Hey Lesley. 

 Waitresses don’t yell at you at Big Boy.  Hey Leonard, hi guys.  Hey Lesley. 

 Yeah, you too. Leonard, I didn’t know you played the cello? Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough.  If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.  Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 

 Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn’t getting me beaten up enough.  If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.  Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 

 If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.  Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 

 Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two. 

 If you’re into music, I happen to be a human beatbox.  Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two.  Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding? He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. 

 Really? (Howard performs some of the worst beatboxing imaginable.) I’m actually not that into music. So hey, your friend’s really cute, anything going on with you two.  Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding? He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. 

 Lesley? No, no-oh, what are you kidding? He asked her out once, it was an embarrassing failure. 

 She didn’t take my order. How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her. Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip. 

 How can she take your order when you’re too neurotic to talk to her. Nevertheless, this will be reflected in her tip. 

 What did Penny mean, you’d make a cute couple? Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable.  If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.  You’re a lucky man, Leonard. 

 Well I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Leonard and Lesley made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable.  If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.  You’re a lucky man, Leonard. 

 If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.  You’re a lucky man, Leonard. 

 If Penny didn’t know that Lesley had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought that I should her, Lesley, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out. But because she did know that I had asked Lesley out and that she, Lesley, had turned me down then she, Penny, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Leonard remains available.  You’re a lucky man, Leonard.  How so? You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 

 You’re a lucky man, Leonard.  How so? You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 

 How so? You’re talking to one of the three men in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought. 

 Oh. Okay. A little musical foreplay. Terrific.  I’m good, I’m good to go.  Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)

 I’m good, I’m good to go.  Me too. (Exit in direction of bedrooms.)

 Oh, hey Sheldon, what’s going on? I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics. I’m sorry? Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

 I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics. I’m sorry? Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

 I’m sorry? Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.

 I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics. I’m sorry? Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics. Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 

 I’m sorry? Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics. Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 

 Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics. Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not. 

 Semiotics. The study of signs and symbols, it’s a branch of philosophy related to linguistics. Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not.  Just come with me. Well?

 Okay, sweetie, I know you think you’re explaining yourself, but you’re really not.  Just come with me. Well?

 Well what? What does it mean? Oh, come on, you went to college. Yes, but I was eleven.

 What does it mean? Oh, come on, you went to college. Yes, but I was eleven.

 Well, either that or he’s lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.  Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.  We really shouldn’t be standing here.  This is very awkward.

 Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.  We really shouldn’t be standing here.  This is very awkward.

 We really shouldn’t be standing here.  This is very awkward. Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right? Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 

 This is very awkward. Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right? Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 

 Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right? Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse. 

 Oh, come on, you know, Leonard’s had girls over before, right? Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.  Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex? I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. 

 Oh, yes, but there’s usually planning, courtship and advance notice. Last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.  Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex? I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. 

 Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex? I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide. 

 Wait, you had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex? I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide.  So, do you know who’s in there? Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 

 I didn’t have to, the dates just happened to coincide.  So, do you know who’s in there? Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 

 So, do you know who’s in there? Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster. 

 So, do you know who’s in there? Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster.  Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night. No, no, wait, hold on. 

 Well, there’s Leonard. (Picking up violin case) And he’s either with Lesley Winkle or a 1930’s gangster.  Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night. No, no, wait, hold on. 

 Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night. No, no, wait, hold on. 

 Hmmm. Good for him. Good for Leonard. Okay, night. No, no, wait, hold on.  What’s the matter? I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 

 No, no, wait, hold on.  What’s the matter? I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 

 What’s the matter? I don’t know what the protocol is here. Do I stay, do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage? 

 Hey, what’s the matter?  My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations.  Are you sure? Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 

 My equations, someone’s tampered with my equations.  Are you sure? Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 

 Are you sure? Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed. 

 Are you sure? Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed.  Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 

 Of course I’m sure. Look at the beta-function of quantum chrono-dynamics, the sign’s been changed.  Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 

 Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having. 

 Oh yeah. But doesn’t that fix the problem you’ve been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having.  You’re welcome.  You did this?

 Are you insane? Are you out of your mind? Are you…. hey look, that fixes the problem I’ve been having.  You’re welcome.  You did this?

 You did this? Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh? Cool? Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night. 

 Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it, now you can show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh? Cool? Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night. 

 Cool? Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.  Thank you, I’ll see you at work.  Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!

 Listen, I got to hit the lab. Thanks for a great night.  Thank you, I’ll see you at work.  Uh-duh, hold on, hold on!

 Thank you, I’ll see you at work.  Uh-duh, hold on, hold on! What? Who told you you could touch my board?

 Uh-duh, hold on, hold on! What? Who told you you could touch my board?

 What? Who told you you could touch my board? No-one. I don’t come into your house and touch your board.

 Who told you you could touch my board? No-one. I don’t come into your house and touch your board.

 No-one. I don’t come into your house and touch your board. There are no incorrect equations on my board.  Oh, that is so… so…

 I don’t come into your house and touch your board. There are no incorrect equations on my board.  Oh, that is so… so…

 There are no incorrect equations on my board.  Oh, that is so… so…

 Pretty good.  Just pretty good, I’d think you were doing very good.  Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask? Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 

 Just pretty good, I’d think you were doing very good.  Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask? Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 

 Pretty, very, there’s really no objective scale for delineating variations of good, why do you ask? Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 

 Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night. 

 Well, a little bird told me that you and Lesley hooked up last night.  Sheldon! I’m coming. So, is it serious, do you like her?

 So, is it serious, do you like her? Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!  Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.  Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 

 Wuh, I don’t…. th-th-th-that’s really two different questions, uh, I’m not…. Sheldon, we have to go!  Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.  Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 

 Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.  Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 

 Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard. 

 Boy, you’re wound awfully tight for a man who just had sexual intercourse.  Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.  Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person. Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

 Alright, well, I’ll talk to you later, but, I am so happy for you Leonard.  Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person. Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

 Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person. Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

 Thank you. What did she mean, she’s happy for me? Is she happy because I’m seeing someone, or is she happy because she thinks that I’m happy, because anyone who cared for someone would want them to be happy, even if the reason for their happiness made the first person unhappy. You know, because the second person, though happy, is now romantically unavailable to the first person. Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call? You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent. She’s not that intelligent.

 Do you realise I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call? You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent. She’s not that intelligent.

 You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent. She’s not that intelligent.

 You know what, I’m being ridiculous. But who cares what Penny thinks, Lesley is a terrific girl, she’s attractive, we like each other, she’s extremely intelligent. She’s not that intelligent. She fixed your equation. She got lucky.

 She’s not that intelligent. She fixed your equation. She got lucky.

 She fixed your equation. She got lucky. You don’t believe in luck. I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. 

 She got lucky. You don’t believe in luck. I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. 

 You don’t believe in luck. I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky. 

 You don’t believe in luck. I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky.  Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.  Leonard?

 I don’t have to believe in it for her to be lucky.  Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.  Leonard?

 Regardless, I have a chance at a real relationship with Lesley, I’m not going to pass that up for some hypothetical future happiness with a woman who may or may not want me to be happy with a woman who is currently making me happy.  Leonard?

 A little bird told us. Apparently you are a magnificent beast.  Well, that part’s true! 

 No kidding. I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.  Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.  Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 

 I won’t go out on a limb, but I think we may be looking at my new Tuesday hamburger.  Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.  Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 

 Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.  Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation. 

 Your old Tuesday hamburger will be so broken hearted.  Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.  Really? Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 

 Way ahead of you. I was thinking of moving Big Boy to Thursdays, and just dropping Soup Plantation.  Really? Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 

 Really? Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup. 

 Really? Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup.  So, how’s everything.  Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

 Yeah, the name always confused me anyway, Soup Plantation. You can’t grow soup.  So, how’s everything.  Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

 So, how’s everything.  Terrific, you’ll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.

 Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?  Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?  Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.  Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

 Um, I don’t know, a psychiatrist? So hey, how are things with you and Lesley?  Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.  Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

 Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.  Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

 Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

 Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.  Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling). Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?  You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 

 Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling). Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?  You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 

 Well what did she mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?  You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio. 

 Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball. That was absolutely humiliating. Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose. Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 

 That was absolutely humiliating. Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose. Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 

 Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose. Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 

 Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party. 

 Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose. Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.  I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.  You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 

 Yes, but you don’t have to lose to Kyle Bernstein’s Bar-Mitzvah party.  I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.  You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 

 I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.  You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command. 

 I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.  You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.  Sheldon, let it go. No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 

 You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.  Sheldon, let it go. No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 

 Sheldon, let it go. No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back. 

 You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.” Oh, hey guys. Hello Penny. Morning ma’am. 

 Okay, um, oh hey, I’m having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by. A party?  Yeah. A boy-girl party?

 Yeah. A boy-girl party? Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing… Dancing?

 A boy-girl party? Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing… Dancing?

 Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing… Dancing?

 Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it’ll just be a bunch of my friends, we’ll have some beer, do a little dancing… Dancing? Yeah, I don’t know, Penny… The thing is, we’re not….

 The thing is, we’re not…. We’re really more…. No. But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.

 A Halloween party? As in, costumes?  Well, yeah.  Is there a theme?

 Um, yeah, Halloween. Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?  As usual, I’m not following. He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

 Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?  As usual, I’m not following. He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

 As usual, I’m not following. He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

 He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy…

 As usual, I’m not following. He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy… Sure. What about comic-books?

 He’s asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy… Sure. What about comic-books?

 I’ll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.) Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.) Oh, no.  Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)

 Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.) Oh, no.  Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)

 You went with Thor? What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.  I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.  Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 

 What? Just because I’m Indian I can’t be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That’s racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he’s not English, but he’s dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon(entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he’s obviously the Doppler Effect.  I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.  Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 

 I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.  Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 

 Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man. 

 I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Robin Hood.  Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.  Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party. I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 

 Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you’re dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it’s basically the same look, man.  Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party. I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 

 Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party. I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect. 

 Hey, Sheldon, there’s something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party. I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.  No, it’s not… If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!

 I don’t care if anybody gets it, I’m going as the Doppler Effect.  No, it’s not… If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!

 No, it’s not… If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww! Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.  Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?

 If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww! Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.  Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?

 Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.  Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?

 Oh, hey guys.  Hey, sorry we’re late.  Late? It’s 7:05. And you said the party starts at seven. 

 Hey, sorry we’re late.  Late? It’s 7:05. And you said the party starts at seven. 

 Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.  It’s 7:05.  Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.  What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

 It’s 7:05.  Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.  What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

 Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.  What, are all the girls in the bathroom?

 Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.  What, are all the girls in the bathroom? Probably, but in their own homes.  So what time does the costume parade start? 

 What, are all the girls in the bathroom? Probably, but in their own homes.  So what time does the costume parade start? 

 Probably, but in their own homes.  So what time does the costume parade start? 

 Probably, but in their own homes.  So what time does the costume parade start?  The parade? Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

 So what time does the costume parade start?  The parade? Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

 The parade? Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.

 No, come on, it’s going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that’s so cute. Actually, Penny, he’s Rob… I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.  No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.

 Actually, Penny, he’s Rob… I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.  No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.

 I’m Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.  No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be.

 No you don’t. Oh, hey, what’s Sheldon supposed to be. Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect. Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.  Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 

 Oh, he’s the Doppler Effect. Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.  Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 

 Yes. It’s the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.  Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 

 Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable. 

 Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.  Okay.  See, people get it.  Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. 

 Okay.  See, people get it.  Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. 

 See, people get it.  Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix. 

 See, people get it.  Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.  No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.  I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 

 Mmmm, by Odin’s beard, this is good Chex Mix.  No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.  I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 

 No thanks, peanuts, I can’t afford to swell up in these tights.  I’m confused. If there’s no costume parade, what are we doing here? 

 We’re socialising. Meeting new people.  Telepathically? Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi! Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

 Telepathically? Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi! Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

 Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi! Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

 Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry’s.

 Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.  If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat. No thanks. No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

 If that’s a working stethoscope, maybe you’d like to hear my heart skip a beat. No thanks. No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

 No thanks. No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

 No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.

 No thanks. No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia. I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.  Well, I actually might be able to help.

 No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia. I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.  Well, I actually might be able to help.

 I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.  Well, I actually might be able to help.

 I  want to get to know Penny’s friends, I just, I don’t know how to talk to these people.  Well, I actually might be able to help. How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 

 Well, I actually might be able to help. How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 

 How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will. 

 How so? Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.  Go on. Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

 Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.  Go on. Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

 Go on. Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”

 Go on. Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.” Then what happens? That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

 Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.” Then what happens? That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

 Then what happens? That’s as far as I’ve gotten. This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in. Good luck. 

 That’s as far as I’ve gotten. This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in. Good luck. 

 This is ridiculous, I’m jumping in. Good luck.  No, you’re coming with me. Oh, I hardly think so. 

 No, you’re coming with me. Oh, I hardly think so.  Come on. Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?

 Oh, I hardly think so.  Come on. Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you?

 Aren’t you afraid I’ll embarrass you? Yes. But I need a wing-man. Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.  Oh, Hi!

 Yes. But I need a wing-man. Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.  Oh, Hi!

 Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.  Oh, Hi!

 Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I’m much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analysing wreckage.  Oh, Hi! Hi. Hello.

 Hi. Hello. So, what are you supposed to be? Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!

 Hello. So, what are you supposed to be? Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!

 So, what are you supposed to be? Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!

 Me? I’ll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww! Uh, a choo-choo train? Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww! A brain damaged choo-choo train?

 Uh, a choo-choo train? Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww! A brain damaged choo-choo train?

 Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww! A brain damaged choo-choo train? How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.) Neeeeeooooowwwwww!

 A brain damaged choo-choo train? How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.) Neeeeeooooowwwwww!

 Neeeeeooooowwwwww! I still don’t get it. I’m the Doppler Effect.  Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

 I still don’t get it. I’m the Doppler Effect.  Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

 I’m the Doppler Effect.  Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

 Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive.

 I’m the Doppler Effect.  Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive. Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra? Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 

 Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it’s very insensitive. Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra? Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 

 Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra? Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves. 

 Why don’t you just tell people you’re a zebra? Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.  Because I’m Frodo. Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. 

 Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re one of the seven dwarves.  Because I’m Frodo. Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect. 

 Because I’m Frodo. Yes, well, I’m the Doppler Effect.  Oh no. What?

 Oh no. What? That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend. What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 

 What? That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend. What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 

 That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend. What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field. 

 That’s Penny’s ex-boyfriend. What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.  If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him. Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. 

 What do you suppose he’s doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.  If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him. Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. 

 If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him. Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now. 

 If he were any bigger, he’d have moons orbiting him. Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.  Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug). You have a back-up hypothesis. 

 Oh, snap. So I guess we’ll be leaving now.  Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug). You have a back-up hypothesis. 

 Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug). You have a back-up hypothesis. 

 Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn’t even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug). You have a back-up hypothesis.  Maybe they just want to be friends.  Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 

 You have a back-up hypothesis.  Maybe they just want to be friends.  Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 

 Maybe they just want to be friends.  Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more. 

 Maybe they just want to be friends.  Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.  Then he and I are on equal ground. Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. 

 Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.  Then he and I are on equal ground. Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. 

 Then he and I are on equal ground. Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is. 

 Then he and I are on equal ground. Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.  Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 

 Yes, but you’re much closer to it than he is.  Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 

 Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy. 

 Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners. And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.  Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.  True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?

 And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.  Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.  True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?

 Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn’t have to back down.  True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down?

 True. Why don’t you text him that and see if he backs down? No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.  Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table? Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.

 No. I’m going to assert my dominance face to face.  Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table? Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.

 Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table? Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.

 Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table? Hello Penny. Hello Kurt. Oh, hey guys. You having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 

 Hello Penny. Hello Kurt. Oh, hey guys. You having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 

 Oh, hey guys. You having a good time? Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system. 

 And what are you supposed to be, an Elf? No, I’m a Hobbit. What’s the difference?  Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 

 No, I’m a Hobbit. What’s the difference?  Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 

 What’s the difference?  Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 

 Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior. 

 Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.  So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit? Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.  Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

 So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit? Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.  Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

 Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.  Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

 Well, whatever, why don’t you go hop off on a quest, I’m talking to Penny here.

 Kurt! Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.  Are you calling me a puffy animal? Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? 

 Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can’t compete with me on an intellectual level and so you’re driven to animalistic puffery.  Are you calling me a puffy animal? Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? 

 Are you calling me a puffy animal? Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard? 

 Are you calling me a puffy animal? Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?  No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.  If he understands that, you’re in trouble. 

 Of course not, no, he’s not, you’re not, right Leonard?  No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.  If he understands that, you’re in trouble. 

 No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.  If he understands that, you’re in trouble. 

 Okay, now you’re starting to make me mad.  A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what? What? I think I’ve made my point.

 A homo-habilus discovering his opposable thumbs says what? What? I think I’ve made my point.

 C – O – N… frontation! Kurt, put him down this instant.  He started it. I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down. 

 Kurt, put him down this instant.  He started it. I don’t care, I’m finishing it, put him down. 

 Fine. You’re one lucky little leprechaun.  He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.  Leonard, are you okay. Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

 He’s a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.  Leonard, are you okay. Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

 Leonard, are you okay. Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

 Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so….

 Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s good, it’s a good party, thanks for having us, it’s just getting a little late so…. Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.  Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. 

 Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.  Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it’s any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place. 

 What’s that? Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it? No. Good. There there was really all I had. 

 Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it? No. Good. There there was really all I had. 

 Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.) That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)

 That’s right, you saw what you saw. That’s how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)

 Hey, have you seen Koothrapali? He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.  He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.  Thank you for the clarification. 

 He’s not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.  He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.  Thank you for the clarification. 

 He’s not the Marvel comic story, he’s the original Norse God.  Thank you for the clarification. 

 Did you say, call Temple Beth Sader.  No. Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.  Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).

 No. Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.  Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).

 Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.  Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).

 Here, let me try. Call McFlono McFloonyloo. Heh-heh.  Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings). Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.  If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

 Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings). Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.  If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

 Oh, that’s very impressive. And a little racist.  If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.

 If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night, we were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06. So? We’ll start now. Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break. We can split it two, two and two.

 So? We’ll start now. Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break. We can split it two, two and two.

 Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break. We can split it two, two and two.

 Hey guys.  See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck. No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while. Sure. What’s going on.

 See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you’ll have good luck. No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while. Sure. What’s going on.

 No you won’t. Uh, can I hide out here for a while. Sure. What’s going on.

 Anyway, she got here today, and she’s just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she’s slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink. Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse. He really needs to dial it down. So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 

 Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse. He really needs to dial it down. So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 

 He really needs to dial it down. So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 

 So, if you don’t like this Christie, why are you letting her stay? 

 Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she’s kind of family.  You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha? Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore. No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

 You know, I apologise for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha? Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore. No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

 Oh, I don’t think she’s a whore. No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

 No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard?

 No, yeah she’s definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at… where’s Howard? Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town.  Oh good grief.

 Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you’re new in town.  Oh good grief.

 One on one? We don’t play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one! Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half. Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.  Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.

 Well the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half. Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.  Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.

 Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.  Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play.

 Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there’s a billion more where he came from.  Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play. Great idea. Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 

 Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I’ll play. Great idea. Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 

 Great idea. Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that. 

 Great idea. Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.  Why? Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.

 Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.  Why? Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.

 Why? Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny. Oh, what, what, what?  This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

 Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny. Oh, what, what, what?  This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

 Oh, what, what, what?  This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.

 This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story. Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?  Mine.  Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. 

 Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?  Mine.  Okay, I got this, lock and load boys. 

 Mine.  Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.  It’s the only way we can play teams.  Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

 Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.  It’s the only way we can play teams.  Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

 It’s the only way we can play teams.  Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion)

 Okay, I got this, lock and load boys.  It’s the only way we can play teams.  Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion) Ha-ha, there goes your head again.

 It’s the only way we can play teams.  Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion) Ha-ha, there goes your head again.

 Yes, but whoever’s her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh…. (another explosion) Ha-ha, there goes your head again.

 Okay, this isn’t at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who’s just respawned, you need to give them a chance to (explosion) now come on! Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me. Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha! Penny, you are on fire.

 Raj, Raj, she’s got me cornered, cover me. Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha! Penny, you are on fire.

 Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha! Penny, you are on fire. Yeah, so is Sheldon.  Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 

 Penny, you are on fire. Yeah, so is Sheldon.  Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 

 Yeah, so is Sheldon.  Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game. 

 Yeah, so is Sheldon.  Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.  Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.  What?

 Okay, that’s it, I don’t know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.  Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.  What?

 Good night, Leonard. Good night. As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)  What do you suppose she meant by that?

 Good night. As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)  What do you suppose she meant by that?

 As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)  What do you suppose she meant by that?

 As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)  What do you suppose she meant by that? She’s an enigma, Raj.  And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

 What do you suppose she meant by that? She’s an enigma, Raj.  And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

 She’s an enigma, Raj.  And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab…

 She’s an enigma, Raj.  And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab… She’s gone, Sheldon.  Well she could have said goodbye. 

 And another thing, there’s a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab… She’s gone, Sheldon.  Well she could have said goodbye. 

 Um, well, Howard and Christie are… kind of… hooking up in my bedroom.  Are you sure? Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 

 Are you sure? Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 

 Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 

 No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics. 

 Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they’re either having sex or Howard’s caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight? No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.  Uh, the couch is good. Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.

 No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.  Uh, the couch is good. Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment.

 Uh, the couch is good. Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment. Let me guess, you have a problem with this. Where do I begin? 

 Hold that thought, Leonard, a moment. Let me guess, you have a problem with this. Where do I begin? 

 Let me guess, you have a problem with this. Where do I begin?  It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.  Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 

 Where do I begin?  It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.  Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 

 It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.  Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave. 

 It’s up to you, crazy person’s choice.  Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave.  Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?  Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.

 Well first, we don’t have house guests, frankly if I could afford the rent I’d ask you to leave.  Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?  Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.

 Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?  Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit.

 Your friendship means a lot to me as well, what else?  Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit. So?  So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 

 Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two day, two man kit. So?  So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 

 So?  So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon. 

 So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.  I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism? No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.  Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 

 I’m sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism? No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.  Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 

 No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.  Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 

 Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay. 

 No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.  Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.  Hu.. what? He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 

 Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.  Hu.. what? He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 

 Hu.. what? He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it. 

 Hu.. what? He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it.  I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.  Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 

 He’s engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It’s the logical fallacy of extending someone’s argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticising the result, and I do not appreciate it.  I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.  Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 

 I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.  Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly. 

 Okay, well since I’m obviously being ignored here, let’s go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20, plan your ablutions and bodily functions accordingly.  How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions? I suggest no liquids after 11pm.  Here you go.

 How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions? I suggest no liquids after 11pm.  Here you go.

 I suggest no liquids after 11pm.  Here you go. Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.) Hmmph, wrong. 

 Here you go. Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.) Hmmph, wrong. 

 Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.) Hmmph, wrong. 

 Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.) Hmmph, wrong.  I’m listening. Your head goes on the other end.

 I’m listening. Your head goes on the other end. Why?  It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

 Your head goes on the other end. Why?  It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

 Why?  It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.

 Why?  It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders. I’ll risk it. Hm! 

 It’s culturally universal, a bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders. I’ll risk it. Hm! 

 Well, sleep tight. Thanks.  Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight. 

 Thanks.  Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight. 

 Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally… sleep tight. 

 What are you doing?  Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.  Penny’s still sleeping. Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

 Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.  Penny’s still sleeping. Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

 Penny’s still sleeping. Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal….

 Uh, what time is it? Almost 6:30.  I slept all day? Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.

 Almost 6:30.  I slept all day? Oh, no, it’s 6:30 in the morning.

 Ah, well then we’ll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection. Howard? In here my lady. Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.

 Howard? In here my lady. Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could.

 Mmmm, there’s my little engine that could. chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss). Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again. Hi, Christie.

 chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss). Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again. Hi, Christie.

 Well there’s one beloved children’s book I’ll never read again. Hi, Christie.

 Right, you’re Howard’s entourage.  Uh, so Christie, what are your plans? Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.  Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

 Uh, so Christie, what are your plans? Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.  Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

 Oh, well, Howard said he’d take me shopping in Beverley Hills.  Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

 Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don’t love having you, but it’s… a little crowded.

 Penny, you’re always welcome to stay with us. Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B. Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me. For one thing you live with your mother.

 Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B. Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me. For one thing you live with your mother.

 Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me. For one thing you live with your mother.

 Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn’t Christie stay with me. For one thing you live with your mother. I do not, my mother lives with me.  Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 

 For one thing you live with your mother. I do not, my mother lives with me.  Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 

 I do not, my mother lives with me.  Well then, it’s all settled, Christie will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I’ll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it’s more like Doctor Why Bother. 

 No more talking, everybody go.  So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz?  What is that, like a Mexican deli? I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

 So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Castle Wolowitz?  What is that, like a Mexican deli? I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

 What is that, like a Mexican deli? I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

 I’m sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.

 Yeah. Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. 

 Yay! If you’ll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mizvah bonds to cash. 

 We can’t order Chinese food without Wolowitz? Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem? I see a problem.  Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 

 Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General So’s chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-main. Do you see the problem? I see a problem.  Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 

 I see a problem.  Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people. 

 I see a problem.  Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people.  So, we’ll just order three entrees. Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 

 Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided among four people.  So, we’ll just order three entrees. Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 

 So, we’ll just order three entrees. Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling. 

 So, we’ll just order three entrees. Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling.  We could cut it into thirds.  Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 

 Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling.  We could cut it into thirds.  Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 

 We could cut it into thirds.  Then it is no longer a dumpling, once you cut it open it is at best a very small open faced sandwich. 

 No substitutions. This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction.  Okay, no reductions. Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 

 This isn’t a substitution, it’s a reduction.  Okay, no reductions. Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 

 Okay, no reductions. Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 

 Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four. 

 Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that’s twelve, we’ll each have four.  That works.  No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.  No eliminations. 

 That works.  No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.  No eliminations. 

 No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.  No eliminations. 

 No, if we fill up on dumplings we’ll need to eliminate another entree.  No eliminations.  If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home. And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 

 No eliminations.  If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home. And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 

 If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home. And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz. 

 If we have extra, we’ll just take the leftovers home. And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz.  Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth. Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 

 And divide it how, I’m telling you we cannot do this without Wolowitz.  Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth. Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 

 Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend, if you had let me invite Penny then you would have had your fourth. Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls. 

 Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food, she uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.  We don’t order egg rolls. Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here. Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 

 We don’t order egg rolls. Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here. Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 

 Exactly, but we’d have to if she was here. Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 

 Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here. 

 Can we please make a decision, not only are there children starving in India, there’s an Indian starving right here.  Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food. No. Uurgh.

 Here’s an idea, why don’t we just go out for Indian food. No. Uurgh.

 You are nice boys. Tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to bring you the four dumplings. When I’m walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.  I’ll know.  (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.) How about soup?

 I’ll know.  (wanders away cursing in Mandarin.) How about soup?

 How about soup? Yeah, we can always divide soup. What about the won-tons?

 It’s Halo night. Yeah. Okay. So? Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,  She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 

 Yeah. Okay. So? Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,  She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 

 Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,  She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 

 She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty. 

 Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christie,  She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty.  Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon? Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 

 She’s not my friend. Friends do not get their friends care bears all sweaty.  Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon? Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 

 Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon? Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is. 

 Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon? Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is.  Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.  You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. 

 Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don’t think I need to tell you what an honour this is.  Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.  You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. 

 Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.  You can’t go out, it’s Halo night. 

 Oh, that’s so sweet. But I’m going out dancing with a girlfriend.  You can’t go out, it’s Halo night.  Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.  You go dancing every Wednesday.

 You can’t go out, it’s Halo night.  Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.  You go dancing every Wednesday.

 Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.  You go dancing every Wednesday.

 Well, for Penny it’s dancing night.  You go dancing every Wednesday. No.  Then it’s not dancing night. 

 You go dancing every Wednesday. No.  Then it’s not dancing night. 

  Then it’s not dancing night.  Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow? Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall.  Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. 

 Look, why don’t I play with you guys tomorrow? Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall.  Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. 

 Tonight is Halo night, it’s like talking to a wall.  Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem. 

 Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.  Sheldon, remember, we role-played this. Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational. Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. 

 Sheldon, remember, we role-played this. Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational. Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. 

 Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational. Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck. 

 Yes, but you didn’t portray her as completely irrational. Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.  Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.  Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

 Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.  Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.  Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

 Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.  Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them.

 Maybe we should have asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.  Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them. So? It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

 Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can’t, there are three of us and two of them. So? It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

 So? It’s the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child’s play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.

 Aaah, for God’s sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.  Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics. No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you. What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. 

 Your anger’s not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics. No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you. What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. 

 No, I’m pretty sure my anger’s with you. What’s happening to us? We’re falling apart. 

 We can’t get to the phone right now because we’re having sex. You’re not going to put that on your message are you? No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)

 You’re not going to put that on your message are you? No, I’m just kidding, I’ll re-record it. (beep)

 Shut up Howard.  You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.  Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.  Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.

 You girl’s talk, I’m going to take my scooter out for a little spin.  Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.  Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.

 Are you happy, you drove your own son out of the house.  Why don’t you stop butting in where you don’t belong.

 You heard me, and I’ll tell you something else, you’re barking up the wrong tree, cos as long as you’re around, Howard is out of the will. (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I’m out of here.  That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.  So, Halo night, huh? 

 (voice): You know what, I got better offers, I’m out of here.  That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.  So, Halo night, huh? 

 That’s right, go back to Babylon, you whore.  So, Halo night, huh? 

 So, Halo night, huh?  I thought she was the whore of Omaha? Shhh! 

 That’s why the call it cloaking, dead man. Well then start throwing grenades. I’m all out.  Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 

 Well then start throwing grenades. I’m all out.  Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 

 I’m all out.  Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 

 Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you. 

 There are no rules in hell!  Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!  Told yah! (They leave).  There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. 

 Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!  Told yah! (They leave).  There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. 

 Told yah! (They leave).  There’s a sniper, use your rocket launcher. 

 Problem? The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare.  Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card? It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. 

 The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don’t tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it’s a nightmare.  Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card? It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. 

 Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card? It’s been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five. 

 Lift up the camera. I’m looking at his crotch. Sorry papa. Oh, there’s much better. Hi. Hi! 

 Lalita’s parents approve the match.  If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.  Spring wedding? It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.

 If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.  Spring wedding? It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle.

 Spring wedding? It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle. If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling. If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.

 It’s up to you dear, we don’t want to meddle. If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling. If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.

 If you don’t want to meddle, then why are you meddling. If I may, your parents probably don’t consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children’s lives.

 Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it’s Doogie time! Bye bye. Bye bye.  I don’t believe it. Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 

 Bye bye.  I don’t believe it. Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 

 I don’t believe it. Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 

 Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years. 

 Neither do I. Doogie Howser’s been off the air for like, twenty years.  Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India.  It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession.  I bet you’re right.

 Actually, I read somewhere that it’s one of the most popular programmes in India.  It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession.  I bet you’re right.

 It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession.  I bet you’re right.

 It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one’s children enter the medical profession.  I bet you’re right. I bet they love Scrubs. What’s not to love?

 I bet you’re right. I bet they love Scrubs. What’s not to love?

 I bet they love Scrubs. What’s not to love? Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do? I suggest you go through with it.

 What’s not to love? Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do? I suggest you go through with it.

 Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do? I suggest you go through with it.

 What? Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well. It’s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof. I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. 

 Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well. It’s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof. I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. 

 It’s the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof. I’m not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show. 

 (various noises of agreement) Okay, I know what I’m going to do. What?  Find new friends. 

 Great, then we’ll get married, I won’t be able to talk to her, and we’ll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.  Worked for my parents.  Hi guys. Oh, hey. 

 Okay, there’s a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.  I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you.  His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up? Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

 I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I’m going to get the hang of talking to you.  His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up? Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

 His mom’s been saying that for years. What’s up? Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

 Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.

 Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise.  Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.  Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)  Whatever you recommend.

 Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.  Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)  Whatever you recommend.

 Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)  Whatever you recommend.

 Okay, Raj, what’ll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)  Whatever you recommend. Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have? I’ll have a diet coke.

 Whatever you recommend. Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have? I’ll have a diet coke.

 Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have? I’ll have a diet coke.

 Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have? I’ll have a diet coke. Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks. Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. 

 I’ll have a diet coke. Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks. Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. 

 Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks. Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre. 

 Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks. Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre.  That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum. Yes, 

 Fine. I’ll have a virgin cuba libre.  That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum. Yes, 

 That’s, um, rum and coke without the rum. Yes,  So coke. Yes. And would you make it diet? 

 So coke. Yes. And would you make it diet?  There’s a can in the fridge.  A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

 Yes. And would you make it diet?  There’s a can in the fridge.  A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

 There’s a can in the fridge.  A cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

 Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don’t you just meet this girl and, see what happens. Haven’t you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women. Um… Raj. No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.

 Haven’t you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women. Um… Raj. No, no, let’s see how long it takes him.

 So you’re a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you’re still winning.  Yay me!  You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious? Drinks do not work that way. 

 Yay me!  You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious? Drinks do not work that way. 

 You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious? Drinks do not work that way. 

 You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious? Drinks do not work that way.  I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.  Sorry I’m late.

 Drinks do not work that way.  I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.  Sorry I’m late.

 I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.  Sorry I’m late.

 I’d say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.  Sorry I’m late. What happened? Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

 Sorry I’m late. What happened? Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

 What happened? Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please.

 What happened? Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please. Okay. In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.

 Nothing, I just really didn’t want to come. Virgin diet cuba libre please. Okay. In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.

 Okay. In a tall glass, with a lime wedge. Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there.  So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.

 In a tall glass, with a lime wedge. Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there.  So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.

 Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there.  So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord.

 Oh, I’ll wedge it right in there.  So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord. What? That’s Princess Punchali. 

 So, how’s Koothrappali d…. oh my Lord. What? That’s Princess Punchali. 

 What? That’s Princess Punchali.  I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita. No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. 

 That’s Princess Punchali.  I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita. No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. 

 I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita. No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess. 

 I’m pretty sure her name’s Lalita. No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.  Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.  It’s a children’s story.

 No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.  Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.  It’s a children’s story.

 Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.  It’s a children’s story.

 It’s a children’s story. Oh, no it isn’t.  When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.  I know the reason. 

 Oh, no it isn’t.  When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.  I know the reason. 

 When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It’s about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.  I know the reason. 

 I know the reason.  We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at? That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life? Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 

 We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at? That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life? Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 

 That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life? Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 

 Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but… 

 That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life? Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but…  Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more!  Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

 Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but…  Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more!  Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

 Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more!  Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.

 Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn’t it great, she isn’t fat any more!  Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair. I’m sorry?  You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 

 Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair. I’m sorry?  You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 

 I’m sorry?  You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali. 

 I’m sorry?  You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.  Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that? A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. 

 You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.  Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that? A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. 

 Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that? A beloved character from an Indian folk tale. 

 Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that? A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.  Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian? You Indian.

 A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.  Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian? You Indian.

 Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian? You Indian. Oh.  The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 

 You Indian. Oh.  The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 

 Oh.  The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair. 

 Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.  I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.  Really, so do I. But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts. 

 I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.  Really, so do I. But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts. 

 But you’re a dentist, he’s nuts.  Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.  It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.  Oh my.

 Don’t be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.  It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.  Oh my.

 It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.  Oh my.

 It was said that the Gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.  Oh my. Back off Sheldon.  What?

 I’m not hitting on her. And I am not your lady.  And you have no wrath.  You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

 And I am not your lady.  And you have no wrath.  You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

 And you have no wrath.  You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

 You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.

 Okay, let’s get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don’t need to be getting this old world crap from you. Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.  Oh, screw Princess Punchali. Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.

 Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.  Oh, screw Princess Punchali. Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.

 Oh, screw Princess Punchali. Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.

 Oh, screw Princess Punchali. Hey, you can’t talk to me like that. But you’re not Princess Punchali. Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.

 Hey, you can’t talk to me like that. But you’re not Princess Punchali. Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.

 But you’re not Princess Punchali. Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.

 Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us.  But he’s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!  Who is it? We can’t see. Turn us, turn us. 

 But he’s right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!  Who is it? We can’t see. Turn us, turn us. 

 This has nothing to do with my sperm count. You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren’t you Rajesh. Yes Mommy. Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 

 You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren’t you Rajesh. Yes Mommy. Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 

 Yes Mommy. Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 

 Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities. 

 Yes Mommy. Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.  Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did. What did I do? 

 Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.  Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did. What did I do? 

 Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did. What did I do? 

 What did I do?  You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other.  Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry. Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?

 You left with his date. Friends don’t do that to each other.  Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry. Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?

 Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry. Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry?

 Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry. Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry? Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten.  And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 

 Sorry? That’s all you can say is sorry? Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten.  And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 

 Take it, Raj. It’s more than I’ve ever gotten.  And may I point out she wouldn’t have asked me to go with her if you hadn’t been drunk and boring. 

 But Papa, please…. Now, Rajesh.  I have to go.    Now listen to me….

 I have to go.    Now listen to me…. Please wait until I get into the hall.  Okay, well, good night.

 Now listen to me…. Please wait until I get into the hall.  Okay, well, good night.

 Please wait until I get into the hall.  Okay, well, good night.

 Please wait until I get into the hall.  Okay, well, good night. Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita? We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 

 Okay, well, good night. Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita? We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 

 Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita? We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn’t already know, and I came home. 

 It’s a little loud. No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.  Okay, thanks. Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.

 No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.  Okay, thanks. Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.

 Okay, thanks. Hang on, hang on, do you not realise what we just did.

 No, no, no, you don’t get it, um, Howard, enable public access.  Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.) Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you. No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! 

 Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.) Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you. No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! 

 Boy, that’s brilliant, but I’ll see you. No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See! 

 No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!  No. Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.  Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? 

 No. Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.  Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? 

 Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.  Huh, well that’s handy. Um, here’s a question, why? 

 Because we can. (There is a loud noise) They found the remote controlled cars. Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them.  Wireless webcams, wave hello. 

 They found the remote controlled cars. Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them.  Wireless webcams, wave hello. 

 Well, wait, wait, what’s on top of them.  Wireless webcams, wave hello. 

 I don’t want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.  I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother.  I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.  Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. 

 I’m with you. I just have to make sure if I’m a synthetic human I’d still be Jewish. I promised my mother.  I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.  Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. 

 I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.  Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays. 

 I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that’s something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.  Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays.  Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?  Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 

 Not to mention you’d have to power down on Saturdays.  Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?  Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 

 Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?  Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out. 

 Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?  Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.  It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.  I know. I read it before I threw it out. 

 Well, there’s always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam’s Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.  It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.  I know. I read it before I threw it out. 

 It’s from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.  I know. I read it before I threw it out. 

 Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgemental strangers, who wouldn’t recognise true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.  I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.  Forget the parties. Forget the parties? What a nerd. 

 I don’t know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.  Forget the parties. Forget the parties? What a nerd. 

 Are there any other honours I’ve gotten that I don’t know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it? Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.  Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”  I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….

 Leonard, please don’t take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.  Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”  I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….

 Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”  I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….

 I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed….

 Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”  I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed…. Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this. No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 

 I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma’s research methodology is so flawed…. Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this. No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 

 Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this. No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional. 

 Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this. No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.  Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it. You can’t. I’m the lead author. 

 No we don’t. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.  Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it. You can’t. I’m the lead author. 

 Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it. You can’t. I’m the lead author. 

 Okay, let me put it this way, I’m doing it. You can’t. I’m the lead author.  Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.  I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 

 You can’t. I’m the lead author.  Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.  I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 

 Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.  I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome. 

 Oh, come on. The only reason you’re the lead author is because we went alphabetically.  I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.  Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.  It doesn’t need proving. 

 I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.  Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.  It doesn’t need proving. 

 Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.  It doesn’t need proving. 

 Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.  It doesn’t need proving.  So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They’re not supposed to, but they should. 

 It doesn’t need proving.  So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They’re not supposed to, but they should. 

 So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They’re not supposed to, but they should. 

 So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word? They’re not supposed to, but they should.  Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.  And I forbid it. 

 They’re not supposed to, but they should.  Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.  And I forbid it. 

 Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.  And I forbid it. 

 Alright, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to the conference and I’m presenting our findings.  And I forbid it.  You forbid it? If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. 

 And I forbid it.  You forbid it? If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. 

 You forbid it? If I’m not taking credit for our work then nobody is. 

 Hey Sheldon!  Hello Penny.   Get anything good?  Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

 Hello Penny.   Get anything good?  Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

 Get anything good?  Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.

 Get anything good?  Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly. Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.  Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 

 Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly. Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.  Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 

 Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.  Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence. 

 Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn’t. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I’m here all week.  Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.  Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard… Oh dear God! 

 Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I’m perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.  Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard… Oh dear God! 

 Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard… Oh dear God! 

 Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard… Oh dear God!  Little misunderstanding, huh.  A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

 Oh dear God!  Little misunderstanding, huh.  A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

 Little misunderstanding, huh.  A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

 Little misunderstanding, huh.  A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding. Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.  Huh.

 A little misunder…. Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding. Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.  Huh.

 Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.  Huh.

 Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.  Huh. Well how do you feel? I don’t understand the question.

 Well how do you feel? I don’t understand the question. Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.  Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 

 I don’t understand the question. Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.  Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 

 Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.  Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil. 

 Well I’m just asking if it’s difficult to be fighting with your best friend.  Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.  Wait… what?  I couldn’t poop this morning. 

 Oh. I hadn’t thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.  Wait… what?  I couldn’t poop this morning. 

 Wait… what?  I couldn’t poop this morning.  You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.  It’s certainly preferable to my plan.

 I couldn’t poop this morning.  You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.  It’s certainly preferable to my plan.

 You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.  It’s certainly preferable to my plan.

 You should just talk to him, I’m sure you guys can work this out.  It’s certainly preferable to my plan. Which was?  A powerful laxative. 

 It’s certainly preferable to my plan. Which was?  A powerful laxative. 

 Which was?  A powerful laxative.  Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing. Excuse me, little idea? 

 A powerful laxative.  Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing. Excuse me, little idea? 

 Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing. Excuse me, little idea? 

 Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there’s no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing. Excuse me, little idea?  Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but… Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? 

 Excuse me, little idea?  Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but… Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? 

 Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but… Of course you didn’t, he said little idea? 

 Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn’t really understand it but… Of course you didn’t, he said little idea?  Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words. In what words then, exactly

 Of course you didn’t, he said little idea?  Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words. In what words then, exactly

 Uh, well no, no, not in… not in those words. In what words then, exactly

 In what words then, exactly Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s  What did he say? You had a lucky hunch. 

 Um, gee, the exact words aren’t written… it’s more the spirit in which it’s  What did he say? You had a lucky hunch. 

 Don’t you ever speak to me again.  What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).  Uh, he… (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go). 

 What… (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).  Uh, he… (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go). 

 Okay, I’m leaving for the conference.  Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.  Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that. Then why did you say it.

 Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.  Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that. Then why did you say it.

 Sheldon I didn’t mean it like that. Then why did you say it. I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my… Were you trying to impress Penny?

 Then why did you say it. I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my… Were you trying to impress Penny?

 I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my… Were you trying to impress Penny?

 I don’t know, I wasn’t choosing my… Were you trying to impress Penny? No, no not at all. A little bit.  How’d that work out for you?

 Were you trying to impress Penny? No, no not at all. A little bit.  How’d that work out for you?

 No, no not at all. A little bit.  How’d that work out for you? Leonard, ready to go? Libido 1, truth zero. 

 How’d that work out for you? Leonard, ready to go? Libido 1, truth zero. 

 Libido 1, truth zero.  Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together. And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.  Let’s go.

 Okay, I’m going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together. And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.  Let’s go.

 And I’m telling you for the last time it’s pandering, it’s undignified and bite me.  Let’s go.

 So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super-solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard’s shoulder. Howard is taking a photograph with his camera phone.) Are there any questions? Yeah. What the hell was that?  Any other questions? Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 

 Yeah. What the hell was that?  Any other questions? Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 

 Any other questions? Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 

 Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero. 

 Any other questions? Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.  I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science. Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?

 Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.  I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science. Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?

 I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science. Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote?

 I didn’t skip it, it’s just an anecdote. It’s not science. Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote? You are not Isaac Newton. No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 

 Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton’s head, was that just an anecdote? You are not Isaac Newton. No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 

 You are not Isaac Newton. No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. 

 You are not Isaac Newton. No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.  You cannot possibly be that arrogant. You continue to underestimate me, my good man. 

 No, no that’s true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.  You cannot possibly be that arrogant. You continue to underestimate me, my good man. 

 You cannot possibly be that arrogant. You continue to underestimate me, my good man. 

 You cannot possibly be that arrogant. You continue to underestimate me, my good man.  Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me. As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 

 You continue to underestimate me, my good man.  Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me. As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 

 Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me. As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence. 

 Look, if you weren’t happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me. As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence.  Really, so why did you come? Because I knew you’d screw this up.

 As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don’t need validation from lesser minds. No offence.  Really, so why did you come? Because I knew you’d screw this up.

 Really, so why did you come? Because I knew you’d screw this up.

 Really, so why did you come? Because I knew you’d screw this up. I didn’t screw it up. Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 

 Because I knew you’d screw this up. I didn’t screw it up. Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 

 I didn’t screw it up. Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there. 

 I didn’t screw it up. Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.  I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation. So you admit that you’re an egotist?

 Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.  I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation. So you admit that you’re an egotist?

 I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation. So you admit that you’re an egotist?

 I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn’t go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation. So you admit that you’re an egotist? Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse. Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)

 So you admit that you’re an egotist? Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse. Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)

 Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse. Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)

 Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he’s worse. Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.) You cannot blow up my head with your mind.  Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. 

 Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.) You cannot blow up my head with your mind.  Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. 

 You cannot blow up my head with your mind.  Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm. 

 You cannot blow up my head with your mind.  Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm.  Stop it. You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.

 Then I’ll settle for an aneurysm.  Stop it. You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.

 Stop it. You hit me. You saw him, he hit me. You were trying to blow up my head. So it was working.

 You hit me. You saw him, he hit me. You were trying to blow up my head. So it was working.

 You’re lucky I didn’t run you over.  I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you.  You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.  Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. 

 I really don’t understand what you’re so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there’s just no pleasing you.  You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.  Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. 

 You’re right, I’m the problem, I’m the one that needs help.  Well that’s not much of an apology, but I’ll take it. 

 Excuse me. Is there anything you’d like to apologise for? Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.  You won’t believe this. Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 

 Yes. I’m sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.  You won’t believe this. Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 

 You won’t believe this. Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 

 Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube. 

 Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on youtube.  What?  Now, who would do that? That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 

 What?  Now, who would do that? That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 

 Now, who would do that? That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 

 That would be me. Hey, check it out, it’s a featured video. (The watch). 

  Who’s doing that?  Someone from Pasadena, California named… “Wolowizard.”  Awesome!

 Someone from Pasadena, California named… “Wolowizard.”  Awesome!

 See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson’s death in Terminator 2. Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot? Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.  Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. 

 Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot? Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.  Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. 

 Skynet is kinky? I don’t know.  Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes. 

 Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.  Alright, oh wait, they use it to in… (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.  Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 

 Alright, oh wait, they use it to in… (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.  Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 

 (Buzzing noise), too late, I win.  Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 

 Let’s go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight. 

 I don’t know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view). You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going? What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.) You’ll never guess what just happened.

 You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we’ll take my… (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going? What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.) You’ll never guess what just happened.

 What? Oh we just had to… mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.) You’ll never guess what just happened.

 Oh, I give up. I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.  What was that? Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?

 I don’t guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I’m saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.  What was that? Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?

 What was that? Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?

 I have a conclusion based on an observation. No you don’t. No he doesn’t. Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.  Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.

 No you don’t. No he doesn’t. Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.  Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.

 Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.  Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.

 I think I know. No you don’t. He doesn’t. It’s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come? No.

 No you don’t. He doesn’t. It’s this Friday at eight, you guys want to come? No.

 Because…. uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium. I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six.  No, it’s this Friday, at eight.  Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. 

 I think that’s a week from Tuesday at six.  No, it’s this Friday, at eight.  Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. 

 No, it’s this Friday, at eight.  Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys. 

 No, it’s this Friday, at eight.  Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.  See you. (Penny exits singing)  You just lied to Penny.

 Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.  See you. (Penny exits singing)  You just lied to Penny.

 See you. (Penny exits singing)  You just lied to Penny. Yes, I did.  And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

 You just lied to Penny. Yes, I did.  And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

 Yes, I did.  And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.

 Yes, I did.  And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration. So? So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 

 And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration. So? So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 

 So? So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath. 

 No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you’d have done it a long time ago.  That’s very true. 

 What? I need to speak to you. It’s two o’clock in the morning It’s important.

 I need to speak to you. It’s two o’clock in the morning It’s important.

 It’s two o’clock in the morning It’s important. I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?  Yes. 

 It’s important. I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?  Yes. 

 I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?  Yes. 

 I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?  Yes.  What?  You’re right, it can wait until morning. 

 What?  You’re right, it can wait until morning.  What, what, what, what, what?  Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.

 You’re right, it can wait until morning.  What, what, what, what, what?  Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.

 What, what, what, what, what?  Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk.

 What, what, what, what, what?  Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk. Sheldon, what is it?  I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. 

 Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you’re in no state to talk. Sheldon, what is it?  I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. 

 Sheldon, what is it?  I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny. 

 Sheldon, what is it?  I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.  What was I supposed to say.  You could have told her the truth.

 I’m uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.  What was I supposed to say.  You could have told her the truth.

 What was I supposed to say.  You could have told her the truth.

 What was I supposed to say.  You could have told her the truth. That would have hurt her feelings.  Is that a relevant factor? 

 You could have told her the truth. That would have hurt her feelings.  Is that a relevant factor? 

 That would have hurt her feelings.  Is that a relevant factor? 

 That would have hurt her feelings.  Is that a relevant factor?  Yes. Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. 

 Is that a relevant factor?  Yes. Then I suppose you could have agreed to go. 

 Yes. Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.  And what would I have said afterwards?  I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

 Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.  And what would I have said afterwards?  I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

 And what would I have said afterwards?  I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain.

 And what would I have said afterwards?  I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain. I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.  Why? 

 I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I’d recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain. I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.  Why? 

 I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.  Why? 

 I couldn’t say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can’t wait to hear you sing again.  Why?  It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.  I was not aware of that. 

 Why?  It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.  I was not aware of that. 

 It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.  I was not aware of that. 

 It’s the social protocol, it’s what you do when you have a friend who’s proud of something they really suck at.  I was not aware of that.  Well now you are. Oh, alright. Leonard.

 I was not aware of that.  Well now you are. Oh, alright. Leonard.

 Yes. When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can’t wait to play you again. Goodnight. 

 (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)…..  Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What? I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse. How?

 Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What? I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse. How?

 I was analysing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse. How?

 Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.  Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today. 

 Do you have any idea what time it is?  Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical. What do you want? Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

 Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It’s accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I’m saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical. What do you want? Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

 What do you want? Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?

 What do you want? Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium? I remember symposium. Yes, well, he lied.

 Remember how Leonard told you we couldn’t come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium? I remember symposium. Yes, well, he lied.

 I remember symposium. Yes, well, he lied. Wait, what? He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.

 Yes, well, he lied. Wait, what? He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.

 Wait, what? He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it.

 He lied, and I’m feeling very uncomfortable about it. Well imagine how I’m feeling.  Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit. 

 Well imagine how I’m feeling.  Hungry? Tired? I’m sorry this really isn’t my strong suit. 

 You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied? To help you.  I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help. She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 

 To help you.  I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help. She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 

 I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help. She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me. 

 I’m sorry, I’m not seeing the help. She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.  Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.  Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 

 She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.  Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.  Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 

 Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.  Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention. 

 Oh, I’m getting a bad feeling.  Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention.  Your cousin Leopold? Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 

 Hunger? Indigestion, I’m sorry I’m really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold’s drug intervention.  Your cousin Leopold? Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 

 Your cousin Leopold? Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important. 

 Your cousin Leopold? Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important.  What’s important? Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 

 Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it’s important.  What’s important? Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 

 What’s important? Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details. 

 What’s important? Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.  Do you have a cousin Leopold. No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. 

 Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.  Do you have a cousin Leopold. No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. 

 Do you have a cousin Leopold. No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee. 

 Do you have a cousin Leopold. No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee.  I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie? Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 

 No, I made him up. I think you’d call him Lee.  I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie? Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 

 I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie? Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web. 

 I don’t get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie? Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.  Un-unravelable? Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

 Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.  Un-unravelable? Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

 Un-unravelable? Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.

 Un-unravelable? Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com. Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing. Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. 

 Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she’ll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com. Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing. Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. 

 Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing. Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive. 

 Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing. Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive.  We’re going to Long Beach? No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.

 Ah, because it’s in Long Beach, and I don’t drive.  We’re going to Long Beach? No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.

 We’re going to Long Beach? No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard.

 We’re going to Long Beach? No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard. Oh, come on! We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

 No, of course not, there’s no cousin Leo, there’s no intervention, focus Leonard. Oh, come on! We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

 Oh, come on! We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.

 Oh, come on! We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab. So he goes back into rehab? Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

 We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab. So he goes back into rehab? Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

 So he goes back into rehab? Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.

 So he goes back into rehab? Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again. You still told her I lied. For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

 Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again. You still told her I lied. For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

 You still told her I lied. For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes?

 You still told her I lied. For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes? I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this. That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 

 For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I’m assuming is embarrassing, yes? I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this. That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 

 I don’t know. How am I supposed to remember all of this. That’s the best part, you don’t have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she’s agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force. 

 I don’t know what to say. Wow. Howard, listen… No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 

 Wow. Howard, listen… No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 

 Howard, listen… No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 

 No, it’s okay, it’s your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening. 

 Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them. Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that.  There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.  Well… I don’t know what to say. 

 Okay, sure. I don’t see a problem with that.  There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.  Well… I don’t know what to say. 

 There’s no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn’t that right Leonard.  Well… I don’t know what to say. 

 No, look, Sheldon’s cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he’s in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family’s going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he’s such a good man. Oh, another hug, thank you. Alright you guys, good luck. Thanks Penny. 

 Oh, another hug, thank you. Alright you guys, good luck. Thanks Penny. 

 So, road trip to Long Beach. No, we’re not going to Long Beach. Why not?  Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. 

 No, we’re not going to Long Beach. Why not?  Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. 

 Why not?  Because Sheldon doesn’t have a drug addicted cousin Leopold. 

 Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.  It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.  Sounds fun. I’m game.

 It’s a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it’s now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.  Sounds fun. I’m game.

 No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it’s iffy. Wait, are we really going to Long Beach? 

 Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.  No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie.  What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.  Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

 No, that’s the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there’s a problem with the current version of our lie.  What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.  Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

 What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.  Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.

 What are you talking about, it’s fine, she bought it, it’s over.  Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab. Why not?  Because Leo is a middle child. 

 Sadly, it’s not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab. Why not?  Because Leo is a middle child. 

 Why not?  Because Leo is a middle child.  There is no Leo, how can you say that?  You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

 Because Leo is a middle child.  There is no Leo, how can you say that?  You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

 There is no Leo, how can you say that?  You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.

 There is no Leo, how can you say that?  You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab. I’ve got a solution. Great, what is it?

 You didn’t read the bio, did you? He’s not just a middle child, he’s the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab. I’ve got a solution. Great, what is it?

 Morning.  Who are you?  I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo. Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.

 Who are you?  I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo. Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.

 I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo. Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.

 I am Sheldon’s cousin Leo. Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo. Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem. Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

 Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo. Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem. Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

 Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem. Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.

 Au contraire. I’m 26 years old, I’m originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem. Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention. Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology. For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 

 Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention. Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology. For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 

 Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology. For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you. 

 For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.  Sheldon? I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT. It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 

 Sheldon? I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT. It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 

 I’m sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he’s a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT. It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 

 It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards. 

 It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.  Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why? Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us. Oh…!

 Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why? Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us. Oh…!

 Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us. Oh…!

 Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us. Oh…! Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain. No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

 Oh…! Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain. No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

 Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain. No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.

 Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain. No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production. Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition? Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

 No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production. Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition? Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

 Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition? Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.

 Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition? Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny. Hi. How did the intervention go. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 

 Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny. Hi. How did the intervention go. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 

 Hi. How did the intervention go. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to convince him to go to rehab. 

 There were only two people there? By the end. Yeah.  Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!  I’m… I’m sorry.

 By the end. Yeah.  Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!  I’m… I’m sorry.

 Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!  I’m… I’m sorry. The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away. Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.

 I’m… I’m sorry. The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away. Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.

 The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away. Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.

 The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away. Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction. That’s never been proven. There have been studies.

 Don’t forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction. That’s never been proven. There have been studies.

 I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?  Gee, why wouldn’t I? This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me. Yeah! Funny how things work out. 

 Gee, why wouldn’t I? This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me. Yeah! Funny how things work out. 

 This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me. Yeah! Funny how things work out. 

 How long is he going to stay here. He’s a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

 Hi guys. Hey!  Did you get my mail. Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?

 Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke’s only funny in Nebraska. From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.  Boy, it’s good to be back.  How was your family?

 From the data at hand you really can’t draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.  Boy, it’s good to be back.  How was your family?

 Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend. Sick?  Here we go.  What kind of sick?

 Here we go.  What kind of sick? Oh, the flu I guess. I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?

 What kind of sick? Oh, the flu I guess. I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?

 Oh, the flu I guess. I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?

 Oh, the flu I guess. I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear? Maybe Friday. Friday, was that morning or afternoon? 

 I don’t need you to guess, I need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear? Maybe Friday. Friday, was that morning or afternoon? 

 Maybe Friday. Friday, was that morning or afternoon?  I… I don’t… Think woman, who blew their nose and when? 

 Friday, was that morning or afternoon?  I… I don’t… Think woman, who blew their nose and when? 

 Think woman, who blew their nose and when?  Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious. Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.  Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 

 Sheldon, relax, she doesn’t have any symptoms, I’m sure she’s not contagious. Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.  Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 

 Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.  Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 

 Penny, you’ll have to excuse Sheldon, he’s a bit of a germophobe. 

 Oh, it’s okay, I understand. Thanks for your consideration, now please leave. You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.  Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.

 Thanks for your consideration, now please leave. You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.  Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.

 You’d better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol.  Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail.

 Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail. No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.) What?

 No problem. Welcome home. (Sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol.) What?

 What the hell are you doing? I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures.  With lime jello? I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.

 I’m making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures.  With lime jello? I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.

 With lime jello? I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat.

 With lime jello? I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat. I don’t think so. Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 

 I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat. I don’t think so. Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 

 I don’t think so. Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat. 

 I don’t think so. Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat.  Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.  We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 

 Leonard! If I’m going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what’s growing in my throat.  Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.  We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 

 Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.  We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies. 

 Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not.  We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.  Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?  When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 

 We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I’m fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.  Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?  When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 

 Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?  When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance. 

 Sheldon, don’t you think you’re overreacting?  When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.  I’m going back to bed.  Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.

 When I’m lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance.  I’m going back to bed.  Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.

 I’m going back to bed.  Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom.

 I’m going back to bed.  Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom. What for?  I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.

 Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom. What for?  I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.

 What for?  I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down.

 What for?  I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down. I mix pancake batter in this!  No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.

 I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren’t shutting down. I mix pancake batter in this!  No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.

 I mix pancake batter in this!  No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.

 Leonard! Leonard I’m sick! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow!  Hey. Leonard, where are you? 

 Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone) Ow!  Hey. Leonard, where are you? 

 Hey. Leonard, where are you?  I’m at work.  At six-thirty in the morning? 

 Leonard, where are you?  I’m at work.  At six-thirty in the morning? 

 Yes. Why?  They asked me to come in. Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.

 Why?  They asked me to come in. Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring.

 They asked me to come in. Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring. They texted me.  Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 

 Well, I didn’t hear the phone ring. They texted me.  Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 

 They texted me.  Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. 

 They texted me.  Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.  No kidding? No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. 

 Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.  No kidding? No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. 

 No kidding? No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. 

 No kidding? No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.  Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.  What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?

 No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.  Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.  What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?

 Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.  What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?

 Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids.  What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma? Drink whatever you want. I want soup.

 What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma? Drink whatever you want. I want soup.

 Drink whatever you want. I want soup. Then make soup.  We don’t have soup. 

 Then make soup.  We don’t have soup.  I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)  Is that a dog?

 We don’t have soup.  I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)  Is that a dog?

 I’m at work, Sheldon. (A woman enters the apartment building with a barking dog.)  Is that a dog?

 Chocolate milk and eggoes please!  Howard, listen to me. Hang on, call waiting. No, don’t, don’t….

 Howard, listen to me. Hang on, call waiting. No, don’t, don’t….

 Hang on, call waiting. No, don’t, don’t…. Hello. Howard, I’m sick. 

 That’s a negatory. But there’s a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today.  Five movies, two hours apiece. It’s a start. 

 No, just crazy. Sheldon, what are you doing here? I’m sick, thank you very much.  How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick. You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 

 I’m sick, thank you very much.  How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick. You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 

 How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick. You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed! 

 How could you have gotten it from me, I’m not sick. You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed!  Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want. I want soup.

 You’re a carrier. All these people here are doomed. You’re doomed!  Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want. I want soup.

 Shhh! Sheldon, what do you want. I want soup. Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.  Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?

 I want soup. Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.  Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?

 Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.  Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?

 Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home.  Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it? You can have soup delivered. I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 

 Penny, I have an IQ of 187, don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it? You can have soup delivered. I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 

 You can have soup delivered. I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for. 

 You can have soup delivered. I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.  Okay, what kind of soup do you want. Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.

 I did not think of that. Clearly febrile delirium is setting in, please bring me some soup while I still understand what a spoon is for.  Okay, what kind of soup do you want. Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.

 Okay, what kind of soup do you want. Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons.

 Okay, what kind of soup do you want. Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons. We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.  Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?

 Well, my mother used to make me this split pea with little frankfurter slices and these home made croutons. We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.  Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?

 We have Chicken Tortilla and Potato Leek.  Can I get any of those with little frankfurter slices and home made croutons?

 You did what you had to do. (Steals some of Howard’s popcorn) Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape. 

 Oh, it’s okay, I didn’t really need to work today, it’s not like I have rent or car payments or anything. Good. Good. Okay, well, you feel better. Wait, where are you going? 

 Good. Good. Okay, well, you feel better. Wait, where are you going? 

 Okay, well, you feel better. Wait, where are you going?  Um, home, to write some bad cheques. You’re going to leave me? 

 Wait, where are you going?  Um, home, to write some bad cheques. You’re going to leave me? 

 Um, home, to write some bad cheques. You’re going to leave me? 

 Um, home, to write some bad cheques. You’re going to leave me?  Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?  Well, of course, but, not by myself. 

 You’re going to leave me?  Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?  Well, of course, but, not by myself. 

 Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?  Well, of course, but, not by myself. 

 Sheldon, you are a grown man, haven’t you ever been sick before?  Well, of course, but, not by myself.  Really, never? Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.

 Well, of course, but, not by myself.  Really, never? Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.

 Really, never? Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.

 Really, never? Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany. Studying abroad? No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 

 Well, once. When I was fifteen, and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany. Studying abroad? No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 

 Studying abroad? No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia. 

 Studying abroad? No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.  And there was no-one there to take care of you? No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 

 No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I’m used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.  And there was no-one there to take care of you? No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 

 And there was no-one there to take care of you? No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again. 

 And there was no-one there to take care of you? No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again.  Again? It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”

 No. No, my mum had to fly back to Texas to help my dad because the house had slipped off the cinderblocks again.  Again? It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”

 Again? It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?”

 Again? It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?” What does that mean? Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”

 It was tornado season. And it was an aluminium house. Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn’t speak any English, when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said “Möchtest Du eine Darmspülung?” What does that mean? Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”

 What does that mean? Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?”

 What does that mean? Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?” Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need? Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. 

 Based on what happened next, I assume it means “would you like an enema?” Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need? Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. 

 Okay, sweetie, I’ll take care of you, what do you need? Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths. 

 Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam? Well? I’m thinking! 

 Okay, nice and cosy, okay, I’ll see you later. Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.  Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself? Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. 

 Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.  Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself? Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. 

 Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself? Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. 

 Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself? Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.  But Sheldon…. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

 Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.  But Sheldon…. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

 But Sheldon…. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

 But Sheldon…. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. I can’t believe I’m doing this.  No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. 

 Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. I can’t believe I’m doing this.  No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. 

 I can’t believe I’m doing this.  No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. 

 I can’t believe I’m doing this.  No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.  Sorry.  Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. 

 No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.  Sorry.  Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. 

 Sorry.  Can you sing “Soft Kitty”.  What? My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.

 Can you sing “Soft Kitty”.  What? My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.

 What? My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick. I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it. I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 

 My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick. I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it. I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 

 I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it. I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. 

 Penny! Penny, I’m hungry.  Uh, it’s okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard’s home! No!  Here you go, good luck, bye.

 Uh, it’s okay, sweetie, good news, Leonard’s home! No!  Here you go, good luck, bye.

 No!  Here you go, good luck, bye. W-wait!  Leonard, I’m hungry!

 Here you go, good luck, bye. W-wait!  Leonard, I’m hungry! Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 

 W-wait!  Leonard, I’m hungry! Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 

 Leonard, I’m hungry! Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.) 

 Leonard, I’m hungry! Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.)  I want grilled cheese.  Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? 

 Wait! Penny! Take me with you! (Runs after her and bumps into pillar. Falls semi-conscious to the floor.  Sheldon appears in his comforter.)  I want grilled cheese.  Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? 

 I want grilled cheese.  Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us? 

 I want grilled cheese.  Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?  I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.  I’m very congested. 

 Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?  I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.  I’m very congested. 

 I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.  I’m very congested. 

 I don’t think Penny’s ever coming here again.  I’m very congested.  Yeah, so? Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.

 I’m very congested.  Yeah, so? Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.

 Yeah, so? Can you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucus.

 If I stand, I’ll vomit.  Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl. 

 Lay it on me.  Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another. How about that.  Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

 Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another. How about that.  Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

 How about that.  Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

 How about that.  Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon. Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?  No, he would be exactly the same. 

 Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon. Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?  No, he would be exactly the same. 

 Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?  No, he would be exactly the same. 

 Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper.  Dr Gablehouser. Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.  Graduate work, very impressive.

 Dr Gablehouser. Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.  Graduate work, very impressive.

 Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we’re hoping to have him do his graduate work here.  Graduate work, very impressive.

 Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen. Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea.  Advantage Kim.  I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.

 Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea.  Advantage Kim.  I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.

 Advantage Kim.  I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.

 I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we’re the best physics research facility in the country.

 I already know you’re not. You don’t have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.  Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end. Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will. Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.

 Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end. Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will. Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.

 Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will. Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.

 Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen.

 Well, obviously you don’t see it yet, but trust me, you will. Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen. Yes sir.  You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 

 Dennis, we discussed this, we’re in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we’ve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen. Yes sir.  You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 

 Yes sir.  You can count on us, we’re on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. 

 A year and a half. No kidding, you speak English really well. So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.  What are you talking about? 

 No kidding, you speak English really well. So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.  What are you talking about? 

 So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.  What are you talking about? 

 So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.  What are you talking about?  That.  He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.

 What are you talking about?  That.  He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office.

 That.  He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office. Is this part of the tour?  Nope. Goodbye. 

 He’s not wrong. Alright, and this is my office. Is this part of the tour?  Nope. Goodbye. 

 Is this part of the tour?  Nope. Goodbye.  Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything. Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 

 Nope. Goodbye.  Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything. Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 

 Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything. Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. 

 Come on, Sheldon, we’ve hardly shown him anything. Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.  Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections. Keen observation, goodbye. 

 Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye.  Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections. Keen observation, goodbye. 

 Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections. Keen observation, goodbye. 

 Looks like you’re doing work in quantum loop corrections. Keen observation, goodbye.  You see where you went wrong, don’t you?  Leonard.

 Keen observation, goodbye.  You see where you went wrong, don’t you?  Leonard.

 Get him out.  Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment. Do I look like I lift weights.  Not heavy ones. 

 Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the rec centre, they’ve got nautilus equipment. Do I look like I lift weights.  Not heavy ones. 

 Do I look like I lift weights.  Not heavy ones.  It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach. You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 

 Not heavy ones.  It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach. You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 

 It’s startling to me you haven’t considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach. You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it? 

 You think I haven’t considered it? You really think I haven’t considered it?  Have you considered it? Get him out Leonard. Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.

 Have you considered it? Get him out Leonard. Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.

 Get him out Leonard. Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab.

 Get him out Leonard. Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab. Wow, you won the Stephenson award. Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. 

 Come on, Dennis, I’ll show you the radiation lab. Wow, you won the Stephenson award. Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. 

 Wow, you won the Stephenson award. Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. 

 Mmm, this is really delicious, isn’t it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can’t talk to me unless you’re drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged.  Hey, I’m damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?  Sure. Raj, hug Howard.  Uh-uh-uh. 

 Hey, I’m damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?  Sure. Raj, hug Howard.  Uh-uh-uh. 

 Sure. Raj, hug Howard.  Uh-uh-uh.  Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps. Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.

 Uh-uh-uh.  Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps. Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.

 Something you’d like to share? A tale of woe perhaps. Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy.

 Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he’s already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to… you know, that other guy. Antonio Salieri? Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me. You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 

 Antonio Salieri? Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me. You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 

 Oh, God, now even you’re smarter than me. You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 

 You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. 

 You know, Sheldon, you don’t have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.  Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better.  Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.  I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? 

 Just eat, Sheldon, you’ll feel better.  Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.  I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? 

 Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.  I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? 

 Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don’t keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.  I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?  You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter. Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 

 I’m confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?  You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter. Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 

 You can’t let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter. Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. 

 So, you’ve got a bit of competition, I really don’t see what the big deal is.  Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything.  I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?  We liked Leonard.

 Well of course you don’t, you’ve never excelled at anything.  I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?  We liked Leonard.

 I don’t understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?  We liked Leonard.

 Yes. That’s what a rational person does when his entire life’s work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.  You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

 You know, I’m confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

 Hey. I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over.  Great. But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.

 I’ve decided you’re right. My career is not over.  Great. But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.

 Great. But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on.

 Great. But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on. Great. So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.

 But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on. Great. So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you.

 Great. So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you. Great.  What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.

 So I’ve decided, I’m going to collaborate with you. Great.  What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.

 Great.  What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention.

 Great.  What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention. Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.  Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?

 What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I’ve never really paid attention. Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.  Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?

 Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.  Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?

 Okay, well, right now I’m designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don’t need any help.  Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array? Yes. No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?

 Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what’s this here in the schematic, is that a laser array? Yes. No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?

 Yes. No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?

 Yes. No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon? It would blow up. Are you sure? 

 No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon? It would blow up. Are you sure? 

 It would blow up. Are you sure?  Pretty sure. Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?

 Are you sure?  Pretty sure. Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?

 Pretty sure. Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?

 Pretty sure. Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff? Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.  Alright.

 Pretty sure’s not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff? Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.  Alright.

 Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you’re going through a bit of a career crisis, you’re searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.  Alright.

 It’s a small brown paper bag, Ma, I’m looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there’s no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today?  So, this is engineering, huh?  I’ll talk to you later.  Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.

 So, this is engineering, huh?  I’ll talk to you later.  Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.

 I’ll talk to you later.  Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science.

 I’ll talk to you later.  Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science. Sheldon, what are you doing here? I just came by to say hello.

 Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science. Sheldon, what are you doing here? I just came by to say hello.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? I just came by to say hello. I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello. Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 

 I just came by to say hello. I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello. Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 

 I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello. Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today? 

 I’ve been at this lab for three years, you’ve never came by to say hello. Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today?  A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.  Really, how does it work?

 Well, up until now I’ve had better things to do. So, what are we making today?  A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.  Really, how does it work?

 A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.  Really, how does it work?

 A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that’s going up on the next space shuttle.  Really, how does it work? When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.  Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? 

 Really, how does it work? When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.  Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? 

 When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.  Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf? 

 When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.  Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf?  No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.  Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.

 Uh, huh. So it’s a shelf?  No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.  Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.

 No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.  Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength.

 No, you don’t understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide… yeah, okay, it’s a shelf.  Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength. Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering. And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 

 Now, I notice you’re using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they’re lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength. Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering. And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 

 Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering. And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. 

 Sheldon, there’s a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering. And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.  Sheldon. Yes.

 And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.  Sheldon. Yes.

 Did Leonard tell you to say that?  No, I thought of it all by myself.  Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.

 No, I thought of it all by myself.  Huh. It can’t be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I’m missing.

 What? Howard, that’s racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.) It’s possible she may have misunderstood us. 

 Howard, that’s racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.) It’s possible she may have misunderstood us. 

 Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting? No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting. Oh, what are you working on? Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 

 No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think you’ll appreciate this, very exciting. Oh, what are you working on? Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 

 Oh, what are you working on? Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. 

 Oh, what are you working on? Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.  To what end? You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 

 Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I’ve decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I’m going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.  To what end? You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 

 To what end? You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. 

 To what end? You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.  Who will come? The Jewish people.

 You know, it’s like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.  Who will come? The Jewish people.

 Who will come? The Jewish people. What if they don’t come. We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. 

 The Jewish people. What if they don’t come. We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. 

 What if they don’t come. We’ll make it nice, put out a spread. 

 Okay, well, uh, obviously you’re very busy with your… uh, um, come Dennis. You’ll have to excuse Dr Cooper, he’s been under a lot of… um… he’s nuts.  Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…

 Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. They’ll come, they’ll settle and I’ll win the prize…

 We need a social catalyst. Like what? We can’t get fifteen year-old girls drunk.   Or can we? No, we can’t. 

 Like what? We can’t get fifteen year-old girls drunk.   Or can we? No, we can’t. 

 Okay, that was uncalled for. You started it, dude.  Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family. Welcome Dennis Kim. 

 You started it, dude.  Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family. Welcome Dennis Kim. 

 Could I have everyone’s attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We’re here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family. Welcome Dennis Kim. 

 I don’t know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman “you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants.” Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim. Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him. You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)

 Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It’s Dennis Kim. Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him. You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)

 Wow, I almost didn’t recognise him. You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)

 You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma)

 Recognise.  This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.  Zod? Kryptonian villain. Long story.

 This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.  Zod? Kryptonian villain. Long story.

 Zod? Kryptonian villain. Long story. Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)  Well count me out.

 Kryptonian villain. Long story. Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)  Well count me out.

 Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)  Well count me out.

 Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)  Well count me out. What? Why? You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 

 Well count me out. What? Why? You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 

 What? Why? You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish? 

 You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?  Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people.  By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition. I want tickets to that please. 

 Come on, you need a four person team, we’re four people.  By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition. I want tickets to that please. 

 By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition. I want tickets to that please. 

 I want tickets to that please.  Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you. No, don’t.  The needs of the many.

 Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock’s dying words to you. No, don’t.  The needs of the many.

 Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions. How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.  The ladies? Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.

 How about the perpetual motion squad? It’s beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.  The ladies? Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.

 The ladies? Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night. I like it. I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.

 Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night. I like it. I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.

 I like it. I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.

 I don’t. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent. Then we can be the Bengal Tigers. Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.  Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 

 Then we can be the Bengal Tigers. Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.  Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 

 Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.  Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 

 Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass. 

 Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.  Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.  Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour…. Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 

 Maybe so. But you can’t incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.  Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour…. Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 

 Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour…. Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant. 

 Let’s put it to a vote. All those in favour…. Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.  Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?  I will yield.

 Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.  Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?  I will yield.

 Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?  I will yield.

 You know, it’s none of my business, but isn’t a guy who can’t speak in front of women going to hold you back a little? Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice. Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil. I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. 

 Oh, uh, he’ll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they’re one on one and smell nice. Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil. I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. 

 Oh, thanks Raj, it’s vanilla oil. I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let’s just start. 

 Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper. And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds. That is correct. I knew that too.

 And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds. That is correct. I knew that too.

 I knew that too. Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard. And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance. Right. 

 Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard. And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance. Right. 

 And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance. Right.  Hey, I buzzed in.  But I answered, it’s called teamwork. 

 Right.  Hey, I buzzed in.  But I answered, it’s called teamwork. 

 But I answered, it’s called teamwork.  Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer. By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.   Just ask another one.

 Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer. By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.   Just ask another one.

 By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.   Just ask another one.

 By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.   Just ask another one. Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.) And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.

 Just ask another one. Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.) And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.

 Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.) And of course it’s Gravity Probe B.

 Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.) And of course it’s Gravity Probe B. Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.  Why? 

 And of course it’s Gravity Probe B. Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.  Why? 

 Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.  Why?  Because it’s polite. What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

 Why?  Because it’s polite. What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

 Because it’s polite. What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?

 Because it’s polite. What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again? Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.  The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 

 What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again? Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.  The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 

 Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.  The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn’t I give them? 

 Oh please, you don’t even have a PhD.  Alright, that’s it. Howard, sit down. Okay. 

 He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer’s eve.  Yeah, and the bag it came in. 

 Can it wait, I need to talk to you. Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.  Why do they say AA?  Army Ants. 

 Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.  Why do they say AA?  Army Ants. 

 Why do they say AA?  Army Ants.  Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.  Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?

 Army Ants.  Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.  Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?

 Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.  Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?

 Isn’t that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.  Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium? No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar! Oh neat, what’s the occasion?

 Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium? No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar! Oh neat, what’s the occasion?

 No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar! Oh neat, what’s the occasion?

 No, I meant…. never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar! Oh neat, what’s the occasion? Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.  What?

 Oh neat, what’s the occasion? Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.  What?

 Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.  What?

 Well, you’re a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you’re off the team.  What? Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.  No you didn’t.

 What? Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.  No you didn’t.

 Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.  No you didn’t. Yes we did, I just came from it. Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 

 No you didn’t. Yes we did, I just came from it. Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 

 Yes we did, I just came from it. Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet. 

 Yes we did, I just came from it. Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet.  Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.  Why?

 Okay, I don’t know where you just came from, but it couldn’t have been a team meeting because I’m on the team and I wasn’t there, ergo the team did not meet.  Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.  Why?

 Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.  Why?

 Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you’re off the team.  Why? Because you’re taking all the fun out of it. Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?

 Why? Because you’re taking all the fun out of it. Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?

 Because you’re taking all the fun out of it. Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?

 Because you’re taking all the fun out of it. Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun? Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.  I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

 Well, I’m sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun? Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.  I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

 Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.  I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

 Okay, let me try it this way, you’re annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.  I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears. Thanks for the heads up.  You’re welcome. One more thing.

 I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears. Thanks for the heads up.  You’re welcome. One more thing.

 Sheldon. Sheldon.  Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. 

 Sheldon.  Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. 

 Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down. 

 Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down.  So, is that your team. Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?

 Sheldon. I’m just going to sit down.  So, is that your team. Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?

 So, is that your team. Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?

 So, is that your team. Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship? Hello, Sheldon.  Leslie Winkle? 

 Actually, I don’t need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship? Hello, Sheldon.  Leslie Winkle? 

 Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year’s physics bowl. Today’s preliminary match features two great teams… AA versus PMS.  All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.) Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS? The Eta Meson.

 All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.) Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS? The Eta Meson.

 Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS? The Eta Meson.

 Okay, well let’s jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS? The Eta Meson. Correct.  Formal protest.

 Correct.  Formal protest. On what grounds? The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.

 Formal protest. On what grounds? The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.

 On what grounds? The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.

 Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect. Correct.  How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS? Shor’s Algorithm.

 Correct.  How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS? Shor’s Algorithm.

 How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS? Shor’s Algorithm.

 How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS? Shor’s Algorithm. Correct.  4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.

 Shor’s Algorithm. Correct.  4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.

 4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie. Prevost’s theory of exchanges.  Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N  760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

 Prevost’s theory of exchanges.  Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N  760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

 Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N  760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

 760 degrees celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.

 Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four.  I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.  He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat. AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)

 I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.  He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat. AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)

 He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat. AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)

 He doesn’t have it. He’s got squat. AA, I need your answer. (Buzz) The answer is minus eight by alpha.  Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?

 AA, I need your answer. (Buzz) The answer is minus eight by alpha.  Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?

 The answer is minus eight by alpha.  Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing?

 The answer is minus eight by alpha.  Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing? Answering question. Winning physics bowl.  How do you know anything about physics?

 Hang on, hang on a second, that’s not our answer. What are you doing? Answering question. Winning physics bowl.  How do you know anything about physics?

 Answering question. Winning physics bowl.  How do you know anything about physics?

 Answering question. Winning physics bowl.  How do you know anything about physics? Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.  Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.

 How do you know anything about physics? Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.  Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.

 Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.  Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.

 Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Politechnica. Go Polar Bears.  Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions. You didn’t answer question. Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!

 Well that’s a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions. You didn’t answer question. Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!

 You didn’t answer question. Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!

 You didn’t answer question. Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow! AA, I need your official answer. Well it’s not what he said.

 Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow! AA, I need your official answer. Well it’s not what he said.

 AA, I need your official answer. Well it’s not what he said. Then what is it?  I want a different question.

 Well it’s not what he said. Then what is it?  I want a different question.

 Then what is it?  I want a different question. You can’t have a different question.  Formal protest.

 I want a different question. You can’t have a different question.  Formal protest.

 You can’t have a different question.  Formal protest. Denied. Informal protest.

 Denied. Informal protest. Denied. I need your official answer. No. I decline to provide one.

 Informal protest. Denied. I need your official answer. No. I decline to provide one.

 Denied. I need your official answer. No. I decline to provide one.

 No. I decline to provide one. Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.  That’s your opinion. Alright, the winner of the match is…

 Well, that’s too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.  That’s your opinion. Alright, the winner of the match is…

 I don’t understand the question.  Go ahead. The winner is PMS! 

 Sorry, somebody’s sitting there. Who? My Physics Bowl Trophy!  That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 

 Who? My Physics Bowl Trophy!  That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 

 My Physics Bowl Trophy!  That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win. 

 My Physics Bowl Trophy!  That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.  I know someone who would disagree. Who?

 That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.  I know someone who would disagree. Who?

 Alright that is very immature. You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not!  Okay, new contest.  What are you doing?

 You’re right, I’m sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I’m not!  Okay, new contest.  What are you doing?

 Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group? The Brady Bunch?  Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn! How do you know these things?

 The Brady Bunch?  Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn! How do you know these things?

 Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn! How do you know these things?

 Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn! How do you know these things? I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive? William Shatner.

 How do you know these things? I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive? William Shatner.

 I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive? William Shatner.

 I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine’s sexiest man alive? William Shatner. Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner. Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. 

 William Shatner. Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner. Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. 

 Wait, I don’t think it’s Shatner. Then it’s got to be Patrick Stewart. 

 Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it’s rough.  Oh, that’s cool. Uh-huh. It’s only $800?

 SNIPE! One. Aaaa-aw!  Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.

 One. Aaaa-aw!  Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.

 Aaaa-aw!  Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.

 Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.

 You lucky duck.  I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.  Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.  Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.

 I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.  Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.  Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.

 Yeah, I know, I still can’t afford it.  Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.

 Why don’t we share it? We’ll each put in two hundred bucks and we’ll take turns having it in our homes.

 It’s actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.  Cocktain shrimp are $12.50. How are we going to get it upstairs?  If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. 

 Cocktain shrimp are $12.50. How are we going to get it upstairs?  If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. 

 How are we going to get it upstairs?  If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator. 

 Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby’s broken. 

 Come on, guys, push.  If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.  I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.  It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.

 If I push any harder I’m going to give birth to my colon.  I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.  It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.

 I can’t feel my fingers, hurry up.  It’s the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.

 What is it? It’s… you know, time machine.  Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so…. Uh, just give us a few minutes.

 It’s… you know, time machine.  Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so…. Uh, just give us a few minutes.

 Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so…. Uh, just give us a few minutes.

 Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so…. Uh, just give us a few minutes. I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late. Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 

 Uh, just give us a few minutes. I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late. Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 

 I don’t have a few minutes, I’m running really late. Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell. 

 Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there’s a small gap, don’t look down if you’re subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell.  You’re joking, right? Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.  Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. 

 You’re joking, right? Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.  Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. 

 Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.  Damn, okay, I’ll just take the roof. 

 Let’s just do this. Guys, ready to push? In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up. 

 I don’t know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room. Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.  The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.  Talk about your chick magnets. 

 Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.  The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.  Talk about your chick magnets. 

 The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.  Talk about your chick magnets. 

 Talk about your chick magnets.  Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob! Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.  You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 

 Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I’ve got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob! Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.  You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 

 Gentlemen, I know we said we’d take turns, but I think you’d agree that practicality dictates it remain here.  You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 

 You can’t just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, “you wanna come up and see my time machine, it’s at my friends house,” how lame is that? 

 Alright, I think we’re going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.  Seconded.  I was going to put down a towel.  I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 

 Seconded.  I was going to put down a towel.  I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 

 I was going to put down a towel.  I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 

 I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis. 

 I was going to put down a towel.  I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.  That sounds fair. Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 

 I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.  That sounds fair. Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 

 That sounds fair. Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month? 

 That sounds fair. Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?  Twice a month. Then no. 

 Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?  Twice a month. Then no. 

 Then no.  Okay, every other month. No.  Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 

 Okay, every other month. No.  Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 

 No.  Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 

 Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876. 

 No.  Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.  Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson. Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. 

 Sheldon, you can’t be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an “oh”.) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.  Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson. Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. 

 Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson. Wait a minute, I’d want to see that too. 

 So, when it’s your turn you can. But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up.  Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.  And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”

 But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell’s lab is going to get very crowded, he’ll know something’s up.  Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.  And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”

 Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.  And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”

 And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?”

 Also, since the time machine doesn’t move in space, you’ll end up in 1876 Pasadena.  And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?” Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.  Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.

 And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, “hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?” Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.  Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.

 Mrs Bell was deaf, she’s not even going to hear you knock.  Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.

 Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.  That doesn’t sound too bad. It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son. Sorry.

 That doesn’t sound too bad. It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son. Sorry.

 It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son. Sorry.

 Sorry. Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this… Time machine.  The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?

 Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they’d given my shift away. Yeah, that’s right, I’ve lost an entire day’s pay thanks to this… this… Time machine.  The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?

 Time machine.  The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?

 Time machine.  The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it? No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that… Again, time machine. 

 The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it? No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that… Again, time machine. 

 No! I don’t want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and… and now that… that… Again, time machine. 

 Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic. (Storms out. A beat, and then…)  My turn! 

 So? So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday? Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine. You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 

 So it’s my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday? Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine. You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 

 Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine. You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake. 

 Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine. You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.  Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me? Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 

 You can’t. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.  Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me? Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 

 Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me? Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious. 

 Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me? Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.  What if I knocked you unconscious right now?  It won’t change the past. 

 Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.  What if I knocked you unconscious right now?  It won’t change the past. 

 What if I knocked you unconscious right now?  It won’t change the past. 

 What if I knocked you unconscious right now?  It won’t change the past.  But it would make the present so much nicer.  Are you upset about something? 

 It won’t change the past.  But it would make the present so much nicer.  Are you upset about something? 

 But it would make the present so much nicer.  Are you upset about something? 

 But it would make the present so much nicer.  Are you upset about something?  What was your first clue? Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…

 Are you upset about something?  What was your first clue? Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…

 What was your first clue? Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability…

 What was your first clue? Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability… Yes I’m upset.  Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. 

 Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability… Yes I’m upset.  Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. 

 Yes I’m upset.  Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me. 

 Yes I’m upset.  Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.  Yeah, good for you.  Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? 

 Oh! I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.  Yeah, good for you.  Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? 

 Yeah, good for you.  Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you? 

 Yeah, good for you.  Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?  I don’t know. Maybe. Wow, I’m on fire tonight. 

 Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?  I don’t know. Maybe. Wow, I’m on fire tonight. 

 I don’t know. Maybe. Wow, I’m on fire tonight.  Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.  I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

 Wow, I’m on fire tonight.  Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.  I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

 Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.  I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

 Uh, here’s the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.  I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own. Thanks for pointing it out. In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 

 I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own. Thanks for pointing it out. In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 

 Thanks for pointing it out. In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother. 

 But, what about your time machine. Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.) Oh, I’m scared.  Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.

 Some things are more important than toys. (She puts her arms around his neck as he dangles from the cable.) Oh, I’m scared.  Don’t worry baby, I’ve got you.

 Oh, Leonard. (Kisses him as they descend from view. Leonard wakes up still sitting in the time machine.) It’s still my turn.

 Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine? Why? Because I don’t want it any more.  Why?

 Look, do you want to buy me out or not? I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony.  Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.  I paid two hundred dollars for my share.

 I’ll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we’ll put it on my balcony.  Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.  I paid two hundred dollars for my share.

 Screw his balcony, I’ll give you a hundred and twenty and we’ll put it in my garage.  I paid two hundred dollars for my share.

 Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash. Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection. Too bad, I called dibs. Well you can’t just call dibs.

 Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection. Too bad, I called dibs. Well you can’t just call dibs.

 Dibs doesn’t apply in a bidding war.  It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.  Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?  Will you forget dibs! 

 It’s not a bidding war, I’m selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.  Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?  Will you forget dibs! 

 Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?  Will you forget dibs!  He offered me a fair price for the whole collection. What’s the number, I’ll match it. 

 Will you forget dibs!  He offered me a fair price for the whole collection. What’s the number, I’ll match it. 

 He offered me a fair price for the whole collection. What’s the number, I’ll match it. 

 I’ll match it, plus a thousand rupees.  What’s the exchange rate. None of your business. Take it or leave it. Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 

 What’s the exchange rate. None of your business. Take it or leave it. Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 

 None of your business. Take it or leave it. Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 

 Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel. 

 Sheldon, get out of my way. None shall pass.  Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.  Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. 

 None shall pass.  Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.  Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. 

 Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.  Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here. 

 Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.  Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.  What the hell’s going on?  You hypocrite!

 Okay man, be cool, we’re all friends here.  What the hell’s going on?  You hypocrite!

 Sheldon, are you okay?  We have to get rid of the time machine.  It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. 

 We have to get rid of the time machine.  It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. 

 It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s the problem, it’s too big. 

 Maybe she’s his lawyer. Well she’s free to examine my briefs. Howard… I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 

 Well she’s free to examine my briefs. Howard… I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 

 Howard… I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 

 I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again. 

 Howard… I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.  Well, that should do it. Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.

 I know, I’m disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.  Well, that should do it. Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.

 Well, that should do it. Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.

 Well, that should do it. Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello. Oh, hey buddy.  Buddy.

 Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello. Oh, hey buddy.  Buddy.

 Buddy. Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle. How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.  Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 

 Sorry I’m late, I’m working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle. How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.  Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 

 How can you be late, I wasn’t expecting you at all.  Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 

 Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and… BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz. 

 You too, swell, also. Yeah.  So, how do you two know each other. Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 

 Yeah.  So, how do you two know each other. Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 

 So, how do you two know each other. Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 

 Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head. 

 So, how do you two know each other. Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.  Excuse me? She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.

 Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.  Excuse me? She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.

 Excuse me? She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.

 She’s my twin sister, she thinks she’s funny but frankly I’ve never been able to see it. It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly. How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?  Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 

 It’s because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly. How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?  Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 

 How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?  Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 

 Well, I think you’re delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole. 

 So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?  Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.  My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.  Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. 

 Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.  My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.  Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. 

 My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.  Destiny, thy name is Anaheim. 

 My friend’s getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.  Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.  And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate. The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.

 Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.  And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate. The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.

 And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad’s estate. The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn’t she.

 I guess that’s why they call you a genius.  They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye. Woah, woah.  If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 

 They call me a genius because I’m a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I’m having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye. Woah, woah.  If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 

 Woah, woah.  If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 

 If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight? 

 Woah, woah.  If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight?  Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.  They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. 

 If the wedding’s not until tomorrow, why don’t you stay with us tonight?  Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.  They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. 

 Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.  They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues. 

 Oh, I don’t think so. Shelly doesn’t like company. Even as a little boy he’d send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.  They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.  Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room. No we don’t.

 They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.  Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room. No we don’t.

 Look, you’re here, we have plenty of room. No we don’t. Come on, Shelly, she’s family. So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.

 No we don’t. Come on, Shelly, she’s family. So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.

 Come on, Shelly, she’s family. So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother.

 So what? I don’t issue invitations to your mother. Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour. And don’t ever call me Shelly. So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.

 Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour. And don’t ever call me Shelly. So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.

 And don’t ever call me Shelly. So it’s settled. You’ll stay with us.

 I’ll walk you to your car. You’re in structure 3 level C, right?  What just happened?

 He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room. Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room. Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone. Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? 

 Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room. Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone. Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? 

 Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there’s a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone. Ha-ha, not your eyebrows? 

 Really, they have your little name label in them.  Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny. Hi.  Wow, you don’t look that much alike.

 Yeah, no, I do, I use those… uh… just to polish up my… spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I’m not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon’s twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny. Hi.  Wow, you don’t look that much alike.

 Hey, Sheldon’s sister’s pretty cute, I w…. I wasn’t staring!  I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.  Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 

 I wasn’t staring!  I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.  Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 

 I didn’t say you were, I just said she was cute.  Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 

 Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall… and perfect. 

 Excuse me, this is my apartment and she’s my roommate’s sister. So what, you’ve already got Penny.  How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny? So I can have Penny?

 So what, you’ve already got Penny.  How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny? So I can have Penny?

 How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny? So I can have Penny?

 How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny? So I can have Penny? Hell, no!  Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 

 So I can have Penny? Hell, no!  Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 

 Hell, no!  Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni? 

 Hell, no!  Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?  Sheldon, can I talk to you in private? I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.

 Excuse me, can I interject something. I’m ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?  Sheldon, can I talk to you in private? I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.

 Sheldon, can I talk to you in private? I guess. Don’t worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.

 That’s okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.  I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!  Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin. 

 I’m a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!  Hey, look at me, I don’t have a foreskin. 

 Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman? Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.  That’s fascinating, but I… I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.

 Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It’s noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.  That’s fascinating, but I… I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.

 That’s fascinating, but I… I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.

 That’s fascinating, but I… I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy. Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.  Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 

 I didn’t say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy. Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.  Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 

 Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.  Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought. 

 Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz… they’re hitting on your sister.  Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought.  That’s great, but I…. What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.

 Oh. Okay. You know, I don’t want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we’d be a lot further along in this conversation if you’d begun with that thought.  That’s great, but I…. What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.

 That’s great, but I…. What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.

 That’s great, but I…. What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis. Whatever. You have to do something about it. Why?

 What I’m saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis. Whatever. You have to do something about it. Why?

 Whatever. You have to do something about it. Why? Because she’s your sister.  I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 

 Why? Because she’s your sister.  I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 

 Because she’s your sister.  I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways. 

 Because she’s your sister.  I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.  Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.  I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.

 I don’t understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.  Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.  I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.

 Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.  I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA.

 Okay, uh…. oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.  I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA. Uh-huh.  So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 

 I hadn’t considered that. We do share DNA. Uh-huh.  So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 

 Uh-huh.  So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself. 

 Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister’s future offspring.  You’re right. If someone wants to get at Missy’s fallopian tubes, they’ll have to go through me. 

 I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!  I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.  Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.  Who are you to decide that?

 I’m warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.  Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.  Who are you to decide that?

 Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.  Who are you to decide that?

 Alright, that’s enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I’m going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.  Who are you to decide that? He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes. You’re out too, by the way.

 Who are you to decide that? He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes. You’re out too, by the way.

 He’s the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes. You’re out too, by the way.

 You’re out too, by the way. Say what? It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.  What are you so happy about?

 Say what? It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.  What are you so happy about?

 It’s nothing personal, I’d just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn’t become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.  What are you so happy about?

 I’m not happy, it’s the medication, I can’t stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.) Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.  Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?  We all make mistakes, let’s move on. 

 Now that Leonard’s made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.  Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?  We all make mistakes, let’s move on. 

 Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?  We all make mistakes, let’s move on. 

 Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?  We all make mistakes, let’s move on.  Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.  How so?

 We all make mistakes, let’s move on.  Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.  How so?

 Excuse me, but I think you’re missing a big opportunity here.  How so?

 How so? Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.  In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex. I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)

 Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.  In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex. I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)

 In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex. I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)

 I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)

 In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex. I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.) Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister. This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 

 I think you’re focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.) Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister. This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 

 Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister. This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother. 

 Is it ‘cause I’m Jewish, ‘cause I’d kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister. This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.  Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.  Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 

 This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you’re a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.  Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.  Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 

 Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.  Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister. 

 Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.  Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.  Oh really?  Oops. 

 Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.  Oh really?  Oops. 

 Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?  Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.    We all make mistakes, let’s move on.

 Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.    We all make mistakes, let’s move on.

 Okay. I’m not even going to ask why you’re pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?  Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential. What on earth are you talking about?  Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 

 Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential. What on earth are you talking about?  Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 

 What on earth are you talking about?  Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock. 

 What on earth are you talking about?  Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.  And what do you mean, mediocre stock?  That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 

 Let me explain. You see, I’m a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.  And what do you mean, mediocre stock?  That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 

 And what do you mean, mediocre stock?  That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will. 

 And what do you mean, mediocre stock?  That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.  Sheldon 2.0? Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

 That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.  Sheldon 2.0? Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

 Sheldon 2.0? Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

 Sheldon 2.0? Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced. You have got to be kidding me!  Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 

 Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you’re not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced. You have got to be kidding me!  Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 

 You have got to be kidding me!  Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation. 

 You have got to be kidding me!  Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.  Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.  I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 

 Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.  Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.  I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 

 Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.  I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended. 

 Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God’s special little people.  I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.  I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)  I have an alternate proposal. 

 I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.  I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)  I have an alternate proposal. 

 I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)  I have an alternate proposal. 

 Okay.  If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way. And he’s down! Come on, come on, get up. 

 If we’re going to fight over Missy, let’s do it the right way. The honourable way. And he’s down! Come on, come on, get up. 

 Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?  (Raj nods.) Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up.  We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down. 

 Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you’d show up.  We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down. 

 Any news you want me to pass along to Mom? Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.  Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey. Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)

 Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.  Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey. Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)

 Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey. Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)

 Yeah, I’ll just tell her you said hey. Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.) Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you. Really?

 Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.) Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you. Really?

 Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you. Really?

 Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I’m very proud of you. Really? Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.  You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?

 Really? Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.  You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?

 Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.  You tell people I’m a rocket scientist?

 Yup, I’m always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.  You tell people I’m a rocket scientist? Well yeah. I’m a theoretical physicist.

 You tell people I’m a rocket scientist? Well yeah. I’m a theoretical physicist.

 Well yeah. I’m a theoretical physicist. What’s the difference? What’s the difference?

 I’m a theoretical physicist. What’s the difference? What’s the difference?

 It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport.  Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you… We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf. Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 

 Yeah, that’s terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you… We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf. Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 

 We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf. Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 

 Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate. 

 We might as well stop, it’s a stalemate. You’re beating me in tetris, but you’ve got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf. Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate.  So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake? He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. 

 Keebler Elf? I’ve got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon’s arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it’s a stalemate.  So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake? He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. 

 So Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake? He can’t eat cheesecake, he’s lactose intolerant. 

 Okay, he can have carrot cake. What about the cream cheese frosting. he can scrape it off.  Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 

 What about the cream cheese frosting. he can scrape it off.  Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 

 he can scrape it off.  Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 

 Forget about the cake, how did you know that my birthday is Saturday? 

 Why not? I don’t celebrate my birthday. Shuddup, yeah you do.  No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

 I don’t celebrate my birthday. Shuddup, yeah you do.  No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

 Shuddup, yeah you do.  No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

 No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

 Shuddup, yeah you do.  No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them. Uh, that’s so silly. It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 

 No, it’s no big deal, it’s just the way I was raised. My parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them. Uh, that’s so silly. It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 

 Uh, that’s so silly. It’s actually based on very sound theories, his mother published a paper on it. 

 Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can’t eat peanuts. They see me coming they go “ah, no peanut boy!” Hello Penny. Leonard just left. I know. I want to talk to you.  What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 

 Hello Penny. Leonard just left. I know. I want to talk to you.  What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 

 I know. I want to talk to you.  What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat. 

 I know. I want to talk to you.  What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat.  Okay, can you just let me in. Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.

 What would we talk about? We’ve no overlapping areas of interest I’m aware of, and you know I don’t care for chit-chat.  Okay, can you just let me in. Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.

 Okay, can you just let me in. Well alright, but I don’t see this as a promising endeavour.

 Did someone say party?  He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one.  I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one. Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 

 He just doesn’t know he wants one because he’s never had one.  I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one. Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 

 I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one. Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 

 Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over. 

 I suppose that’s possible, but for the record, I’ve never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one. Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.  Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?  I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 

 Howard, here’s the difference. The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.  Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?  I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 

 Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?  I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish. 

 Fine. If I do have a threesome, you can’t be part of it. I’m just kidding, yes you can. Can you bring a friend?  I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.  Anguish? Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 

 I think a birthday party is a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.  Anguish? Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 

 Anguish? Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation. 

 Anguish? Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.  Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.  Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 

 Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded sweaty hell of bouncy castles, not to mention being blindfolded and spun towards a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.  Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.  Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 

 Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.  Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity. 

 Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are going to throw Leonard a birthday party.  Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.  Nevertheless we are…. In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…

 Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol induced frivolity.  Nevertheless we are…. In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…

 Nevertheless we are…. In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a…

 Nevertheless we are…. In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a… Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.  You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.

 In addition I really don’t think that Leonard wants a… Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.  You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.

 Okay, here’s the deal, you either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won’t know which, I’ll draw a tiny happy face in ink.  You can’t do that, if you make a mark on a mint comic book it’s no longer mint.

 Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail? Well of course I… oh! Yeah, I have an idea, let’s throw Leonard a kick ass birthday party.

 What difference does it make? The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators.  Is that Raj and Howard? Possibly, but unverified.

 The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one’s co-conspirators.  Is that Raj and Howard? Possibly, but unverified.

 So, what did you get the birthday boy? Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics. Nice. I got him a sweater.  Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. 

 Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross’s definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics. Nice. I got him a sweater.  Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. 

 Nice. I got him a sweater.  Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly. 

 Okay, well, he might like that, I’ve seen him… chilly.  Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present. That’s because I didn’t bring one. Well why not? 

 Uh, Sheldon, I didn’t see your present. That’s because I didn’t bring one. Well why not? 

 That’s because I didn’t bring one. Well why not?  Don’t ask. The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.

 Well why not?  Don’t ask. The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.

 Don’t ask. The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.

 The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense. Too late. Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?  Told you not to ask. 

 Too late. Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?  Told you not to ask. 

 Let’s say that I go out and I spend fifty dollars on you, it’s a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need. Now I can simplify things, just give you the fifty dollars directly and, you could give me fifty dollars on my birthday, and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and fifty dollars richer. And I ask you, is it worth it?  Told you not to ask. 

 I accept your premise, I reject your conclusion. Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.  What? Just do it. 

 Try telling him it’s a non-optional social convention.  What? Just do it. 

 What? Just do it.  It’s a non-optional social convention. Oh. Fair enough. 

 Just do it.  It’s a non-optional social convention. Oh. Fair enough. 

 Alright, you know they have DVDs over there. Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.  Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves. You mean, like a sweater? 

 Yes, but they have DVD burners over here. Leonard needs a DVD burner.  Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves. You mean, like a sweater? 

 Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves. You mean, like a sweater? 

 Sheldon, a gift shouldn’t be something someone needs, it should be something fun, you know, something they wouldn’t buy for themselves. You mean, like a sweater?  Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.  Is it the geometry that makes it fun.

 You mean, like a sweater?  Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.  Is it the geometry that makes it fun.

 Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.  Is it the geometry that makes it fun.

 Well, it’s a fun sweater, it’s got a bold geometric print.  Is it the geometry that makes it fun. Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.  Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.

 Is it the geometry that makes it fun. Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.  Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.

 Okay, the point is, one of the ways we show we care about people is by putting thought and imagination into the gifts we give them.  Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.

 Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh…. (into phone after Leonard leaves room) The laundry is out of the hamper. (Looks exasperated) Okay Sheldon, what was it supposed to be? Fine, it’s out of the washer. I’ll call you when it’s in the dryer.  Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) 

 Alright, let’s go. (They exit, with Howard making croaking noises.) 

 Um, that one.  Because of the two additional Ethernet ports. Sure. He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch 

 Because of the two additional Ethernet ports. Sure. He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch 

 Sure. He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch 

 Sure. He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch  Oh, okay then this one.  Why? 

 He doesn’t need them, he’s already got a 640 connect switch  Oh, okay then this one.  Why? 

 Oh, okay then this one.  Why?  I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.  Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 

 Why?  I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.  Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 

 I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.  Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did. 

 I don’t know, the man on the box looks so happy.  Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.  Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?  On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 

 Penny! If I’m going to buy Leonard a gift, I’m going to do it right. I refuse to let him experience the same childhood trauma I did.  Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?  On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 

 Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?  On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes. 

 Oh, I know I’m going to regret this but, what trauma?  On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.  Of course. Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 

 On my twelfth birthday I really wanted a titanium centrifuge, so, you know, I could separate radioactive isotopes.  Of course. Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 

 Of course. Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike. 

 Of course. Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike.  No?  What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? 

 Instead of a titanium centrifuge, my parents bought me… wow, this is hard. They got me… a motorised dirt bike.  No?  What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike? 

 No?  What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?  All of them. Really?

 What twelve year old boy wants a motorised dirt bike?  All of them. Really?

 Huh?  Okay, so we’re getting this one? Yeah, I suppose.  Okay, let’s go.

 Okay, so we’re getting this one? Yeah, I suppose.  Okay, let’s go.

 Okay, let’s go. Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?  I know everything about this stuff. Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 

 Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?  I know everything about this stuff. Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 

 I know everything about this stuff. Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 

 Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse. 

 Okay, I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.  Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.  No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender. Thank you. 

 Here, buy this one. Look, it’s the one we’re getting, see, happy guy available.  No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender. Thank you. 

 No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender. Thank you. 

 No, no, no, no, she doesn’t want that, she needs a point to point peer network with a range extender. Thank you.  Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB? It depends on what Bus you have.

 Thank you.  Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB? It depends on what Bus you have.

 Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB? It depends on what Bus you have.

 Which hard drive do I want, firewire or USB? It depends on what Bus you have. I drive a Chevy Cavalier. Oh, dear lord.

 It depends on what Bus you have. I drive a Chevy Cavalier. Oh, dear lord.

 Thy will be done. (Thinks. Reaches into back pocket, finds the half a granola bar from earlier. Looks down.) I’m doing this for you, little buddy. (Takes a bite.)

 Okay, we don’t have that in stock, but I can special order it for you. Him. Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.  Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. 

 Him. Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.  Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. 

 Excuse me, sir, you don’t work here.  Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else. 

 Sheldon, we have to go. Why?  Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.  Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 

 Why?  Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.  Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 

 Well, for one thing, we’re late for Leonard’s birthday party. And for another, I told him to call security.  Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 

 Good luck. (To assistant) By the way, a six year-old could hack your computer system. 

 Happy birthday anyways. (She kisses him full on the lips.) Hey Penny, when, uh, when’s your birthday?

 No, it’s Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Makes a hand movement with every syllable.) Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.) What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.) That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.

 Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon. (Copies hand movements.) What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.) That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.

 What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.) That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase.

 What’s this? (Repeats hand movements.) That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase. Well it’s not. How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 

 That’s what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase. Well it’s not. How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 

 Well it’s not. How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter. 

 How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it’s your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.  You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin. Why? Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 

 You know, I’m really glad you decided to learn Mandarin. Why? Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 

 Why? Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 

 Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me. 

 Why? Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.  Hey!  Mai du lui tsa.

 Once you’re fluent you’ll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.  Hey!  Mai du lui tsa.

 Hey!  Mai du lui tsa. You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.  My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. 

 Mai du lui tsa. You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.  My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. 

 You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey.  My apologies Leonard, I’m only as good as my teacher. 

 I need to use your window. Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead.  Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.) What’s going on?

 Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead.  Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.) What’s going on?

 Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod! (Throws it out.) What’s going on?

 Penny, are you okay? I’m fine, Leonard, just go away. Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful…. GO AWAY!

 I’m fine, Leonard, just go away. Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful…. GO AWAY!

 Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful…. GO AWAY!

 It was Penny’s boyfriend’s, they broke up. Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.  You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again. Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 

 Apparently he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.  You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again. Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 

 You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again. Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 

 Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel. 

 You know what, I’m going to go back and try talking to her again. Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.  I’m not going to do that, Howard. I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.

 Good idea. Sit with her, hold her, comfort her, and if the moment feels right, see if you can cop a feel.  I’m not going to do that, Howard. I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.

 I’m not going to do that, Howard. I’m not aware of any social convention that requires you to intervene at all.

 I’m going over to Mike’s. Leonard, thank you so much. Oh, sure. Huh, maybe I am her gay friend. 

 Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend. Just roll the dice.  Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

 Just roll the dice.  Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

 Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

 Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6…7 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it! Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.  Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 

 She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it! Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.  Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 

 Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.  Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying. 

 Sheldon. Aieee ya! Xia si wo le.  I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second. A second what? Pair of underwear? 

 Aieee ya! Xia si wo le.  I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second. A second what? Pair of underwear? 

 I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second. A second what? Pair of underwear? 

 I’m sorry. Look, do you have a second. A second what? Pair of underwear?  I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard. Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?

 A second what? Pair of underwear?  I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard. Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?

 I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard. Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?

 I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It’s about Leonard. Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz? Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.  Yes, I suppose he is. 

 Why me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz? Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.  Yes, I suppose he is. 

 Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.  Yes, I suppose he is. 

 Well, Raj can’t talk to me unless he’s drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting.  Yes, I suppose he is.  All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.  Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)

 Yes, I suppose he is.  All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.  Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)

 All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.  Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.)

 All I’m saying is, you know Leonard the best.  Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.) Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.  We’re not done? 

 Not necessarily. I’m often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don’t condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised. (Begins to unlock apartment door.) Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.  We’re not done? 

 Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.  We’re not done? 

 Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment.  We’re not done?  No. Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. 

 We’re not done?  No. Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. 

 No. Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway. 

 No. Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway.  Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.  Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 

 Ach, why not? We’re already through the looking glass anyway.  Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.  Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 

 Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.  Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia. 

 Okay, so, here’s the thing. I guess you’re aware that Leonard asked me out.  Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.  Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?  Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 

 Well, he didn’t actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.  Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?  Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 

 Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?  Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit. 

 Oh, that’s nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?  Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.  Well, choose. There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

 Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.  Well, choose. There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

 Well, choose. There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

 Well, choose. There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice. Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.  No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 

 There are a number of options and, I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice. Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.  No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 

 Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.  No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out. 

 Alright, why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it you can sit somewhere else next time.  No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.  Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me… A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 

 No, no, that’s crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.  Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me… A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 

 Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me… A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy. 

 Okay. Um, here’s the thing. So, I’ve known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me… A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.  Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are… Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…

 A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.  Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are… Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…

 Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are… Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon…

 Alright, yeah, I don’t really know who they are… Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon… Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with. Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 

 Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon… Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with. Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 

 Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with. Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees? 

 Yeah, I don’t care, I don’t care. The point is Leonard isn’t the kind of guy I usually go out with. Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?  No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.  The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 

 Leonard isn’t the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?  No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.  The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 

 No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.  The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare! 

 No. What I’m saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well.  The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!  But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.  I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 

 The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!  But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.  I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 

 But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.  I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time. 

 But on the other hand, if things don’t go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he’s not looking for a fling, he’s the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don’t know, like you would say light years.  I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time.  Thank you for the clarification.  Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.

 I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time.  Thank you for the clarification.  Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.

 Thank you for the clarification.  Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight.

 Thank you for the clarification.  Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight. Right, thanks. It’s a common mistake.

 Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that’s a unit of work, not of weight. Right, thanks. It’s a common mistake.

 Right, thanks. It’s a common mistake. Not the first one I’ve made today.  Okay. I think this will be my seat. 

 It’s a common mistake. Not the first one I’ve made today.  Okay. I think this will be my seat. 

 Not the first one I’ve made today.  Okay. I think this will be my seat. 

 Not the first one I’ve made today.  Okay. I think this will be my seat.  Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.  Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. 

 Okay. I think this will be my seat.  Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.  Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. 

 Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.  Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat. 

 Sheldon, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I’m talking about.  Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat.  Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A? No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…

 Well, let’s see. We might consider Schrodinger’s Cat.  Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A? No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…

 Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A? No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip…

 Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A? No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip… Sheldon!  Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 

 No. That’s Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn’t have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip… Sheldon!  Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 

 Sheldon!  Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. 

 Sheldon!  Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.  I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.  Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.

 Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.  I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.  Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.

 I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.  Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic.

 I’m sorry, I don’t get the point.  Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic. Sheldon, what’s the point?  Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 

 Well of course you don’t get it, I haven’t made it yet. You’d have to be psychic to get it, and there’s no such thing as psychic. Sheldon, what’s the point?  Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 

 Sheldon, what’s the point?  Just like Schrodinger’s Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you’ll find out which it is. 

 Two seats right there.  Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you)  Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.  I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

 Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to “Long Live Concrete”.) Xie xie. (Thank you)  Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.  I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

 Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.  I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

 Sheldon, I think I’ve made a mistake.  I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy. No, it’s about Penny. A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 

 I can see that. Unless you’re planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy. No, it’s about Penny. A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 

 No, it’s about Penny. A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down. 

 No, it’s about Penny. A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down.  I don’t think I can go out with her tonight.  Then don’t.

 A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you’ll have to narrow it down.  I don’t think I can go out with her tonight.  Then don’t.

 I don’t think I can go out with her tonight.  Then don’t. Other people would say “why not?”  Other people might be interested. 

 Then don’t. Other people would say “why not?”  Other people might be interested. 

 Other people would say “why not?”  Other people might be interested. 

 Other people would say “why not?”  Other people might be interested.  I’m going to talk anyway. I assumed you would. 

 Other people might be interested.  I’m going to talk anyway. I assumed you would. 

 I’m going to talk anyway. I assumed you would.  Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.  Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 

 I assumed you would.  Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.  Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 

 Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.  Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion. 

 Now that I’m actually about to go out with Penny, I’m not excited, I’m nauseous.  Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.  Right. You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 

 Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.  Right. You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 

 Right. You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on. 

 Right. You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.  Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.  Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 

 You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on.  Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.  Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 

 Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.  Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind. 

 Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it.  Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.  You’re not helping.  Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?

 Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind.  You’re not helping.  Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?

 You’re not helping.  Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?

 You’re not helping.  Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion? Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger’s Cat.

 Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion? Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger’s Cat.

 Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger’s Cat.

 Goodnight Leonard. Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)  He’s coming. Screen saver.  Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?

 Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)  He’s coming. Screen saver.  Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?

 He’s coming. Screen saver.  Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?

 No, it’s like “this fish tastes bad, so I’m going to slow down and spit it out.” You being the fish. I’m not the fish.  Oh really, did you make a second date.

 You being the fish. I’m not the fish.  Oh really, did you make a second date.

 Good, ‘cos they don’t work.  They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing.  Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.  Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.

 They also don’t care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that’s my home run swing.  Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.  Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.

 Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.  Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.

 Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.

 Look, everything went fine. I didn’t even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.  Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest. Nice close up, by the way.  Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. 

 Let’s go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest. Nice close up, by the way.  Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. 

 Nice close up, by the way.  Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans. 

 I’m not there because I’m taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.  He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.  Give him time.

 Hi. Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates.  Thanks.  Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? 

 Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I’d avoid using that for your delicates.  Thanks.  Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? 

 Thanks.  Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock? 

 Thanks.  Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?  Sheldon, may I ask you a question?  I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. 

 Oh, good Lord. Why don’t you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?  Sheldon, may I ask you a question?  I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. 

 Sheldon, may I ask you a question?  I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it. 

 Sheldon, may I ask you a question?  I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it.  Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.  Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. 

 I would prefer that you not, but I won’t go so far as to forbid it.  Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.  Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. 

 Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.  Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate. 

 Alright, I heard yes, so… okay, here’s my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.  Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.  No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?  Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. 

 Well I assume you’re not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.  No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?  Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. 

 No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?  Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature. 

 No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn’t a braniac?  Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.  How is that not a braniac?  Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. 

 Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.  How is that not a braniac?  Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. 

 How is that not a braniac?  Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature. 

 How is that not a braniac?  Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.  So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.  That depends.

 Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.  So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.  That depends.

 So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.  That depends.

 So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he’ll eventually get bored with me.  That depends. On what?  Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? 

 That depends. On what?  Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics? 

 On what?  Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?  No. Do you speak Klingon? 

 Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?  No. Do you speak Klingon? 

 No. Do you know any card tricks? Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.  Why would you lie about that?

 Do you know any card tricks? Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.  Why would you lie about that?

 Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.  Why would you lie about that?

 Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.  Why would you lie about that? Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.  You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? 

 Why would you lie about that? Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.  You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? 

 Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.  You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate? 

 Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn’t want him to think I was some stupid loser.  You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?  You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.  Yeah, but you were neither. 

 You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?  You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.  Yeah, but you were neither. 

 You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.  Yeah, but you were neither. 

 You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.  Yeah, but you were neither.  Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.  You’re asking me to keep a secret?

 Yeah, but you were neither.  Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.  You’re asking me to keep a secret?

 Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.  You’re asking me to keep a secret?

 Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.  You’re asking me to keep a secret? Yeah.  Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. 

 You’re asking me to keep a secret? Yeah.  Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. 

 Yeah.  Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis. 

 Yeah.  Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.  What?  Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. 

 Well I’m sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can’t impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.  What?  Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. 

 What?  Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself. 

 What?  Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.  Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.  Physiologically impossible.

 Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It’s a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.  Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.  Physiologically impossible.

 Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.  Physiologically impossible.

 Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.  Physiologically impossible. Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.  So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

 Physiologically impossible. Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.  So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

 Oh Sheldon, please, look, I’m asking you as a friend.  So you’re saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?

 Well, yeah.  Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends? 

 Hey, Penny, if you’re not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie.  Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday. What about Saturday? You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.

 Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday. What about Saturday? You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.

 What about Saturday? You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.

 You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.

 What about Saturday? You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know. Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong? Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) 

 You know, I’m not sure, the manager hasn’t posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know. Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong? Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) 

 Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong? Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.) 

 Great. So you just let me know when you know. So… (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong? Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.)  What does that mean? Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.

 Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.)  What does that mean? Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.

 What does that mean? Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.

 What does that mean? Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists. No I didn’t. I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. 

 Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists. No I didn’t. I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. 

 No I didn’t. I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir. 

 No I didn’t. I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.  What’s going on with you? Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) 

 I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.  What’s going on with you? Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) 

 What’s going on with you? Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.) 

 What’s going on with you? Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)  What’s wrong with your face?  There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.

 Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)  What’s wrong with your face?  There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.

 What’s wrong with your face?  There’s no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.

 Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that’s served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day… You must release me from my oath.  Sheldon, I’m working. Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.

 You must release me from my oath.  Sheldon, I’m working. Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.

 Sheldon, I’m working. Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.

 Sheldon, I’m working. Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit. Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret? I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. 

 Why don’t you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can’t keep your secret Penny. I’m going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit. Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret? I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. 

 Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret? I’m constitutionally incapable. That’s why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me. 

 Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven’t forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday. Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.

 Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it.

 What do you mean, you’re moving out? Why?  There doesn’t have to be a reason.  Yeah, there kind of does. Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. 

 There doesn’t have to be a reason.  Yeah, there kind of does. Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. 

 Yeah, there kind of does. Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen’s trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it’s ultimately circular, i.e., I’m moving out because I’m moving out. 

 I’m still confused. Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler.  Hey, qu’est q’wass up? We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.

 Leonard, I don’t see how I could have made it any simpler.  Hey, qu’est q’wass up? We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.

 Hey, qu’est q’wass up? We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.

 We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.

 No.  Did you make fun of trains?  I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane. Well, we all knew this day was coming. 

 Did you make fun of trains?  I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane. Well, we all knew this day was coming. 

 I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane. Well, we all knew this day was coming. 

 I didn’t do anything, he’s just gone insane. Well, we all knew this day was coming.  That was fast.  It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. 

 Well, we all knew this day was coming.  That was fast.  It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. 

 That was fast.  It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor. 

 It’s my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor.  Where are you gonna live?  Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.  Bye (runs out.) 

 Where are you gonna live?  Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.  Bye (runs out.) 

 Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.  Bye (runs out.) 

 Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.  Bye (runs out.)  Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.  Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? 

 Bye (runs out.)  Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.  Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? 

 Well you can’t stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.  Excuse me, but isn’t hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder? 

 Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a word.) This could work. 

 Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.  Uh-oh. What?  Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

 Uh-oh. What?  Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

 What?  Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?

 What?  Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials? Not until now.  I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. 

 Don’t you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials? Not until now.  I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. 

 Not until now.  I can’t believe I didn’t bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn’t pack it. 

 Well, if you’re not comfortable staying here, Sheldon… I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.  Terrific.  Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?

 I’m kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.  Terrific.  Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?

 Terrific.  Is that woman Aishwarya Rai? Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress. Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. 

 Is that woman Aishwarya Rai? Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress. Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. 

 Yes, isn’t she an amazing actress. Actually, I’d say she’s a poor man’s Madhuri Dixit. 

 Tag. You’re it. (Runs away.)  Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? 

 Shouldn’t you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire? 

 Maybe you’d be happier on a park bench?  I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here. Do you want to switch? No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. 

 I don’t see any way to get a park bench in here. Do you want to switch? No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. 

 Do you want to switch? No, that’s fine. I’m perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle. 

 Just get in the bed! What’s going on? Are you boys roughhousing?  We’re just talking ma.  If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. 

 What’s going on? Are you boys roughhousing?  We’re just talking ma.  If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. 

 We’re just talking ma.  If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. 

 If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers. 

 We’re just talking ma.  If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers.  For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now? Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. 

 If you don’t settle down right now, I’m not going to let you have any more sleepovers.  For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now? Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. 

 For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now? Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving. 

 For God’s sake, ma, I’m 27 years old. It’s not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now? Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving.  So don’t look at it. She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.

 Meh. That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving.  So don’t look at it. She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman.

 So don’t look at it. She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman. No kidding? Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. 

 She’s like my fourth favourite catwoman. No kidding? Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. 

 No kidding? Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her. 

 No kidding? Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.  What about Lee Meriwether? Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.

 Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.  What about Lee Meriwether? Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.

 What about Lee Meriwether? Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether. Well I’m glad that’s settled.  That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

 Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether. Well I’m glad that’s settled.  That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

 Well I’m glad that’s settled.  That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

 Well I’m glad that’s settled.  That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether… Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep. I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.

 That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether… Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep. I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.

 Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep. I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.

 I’m trying, I’m counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though. Oh for God’s sake. But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….

 Oh for God’s sake. But she’s not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel….

 Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.  What’s with him? Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.  I’m ba-ack!

 What’s with him? Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.  I’m ba-ack!

 Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.  I’m ba-ack!

 Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it. But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.  I’m ba-ack! I still don’t know why you left. I can’t tell you.

 I still don’t know why you left. I can’t tell you. Why not. I promised Penny. 

 Why not. I promised Penny.  You promised Penny what?  That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!

 I promised Penny.  You promised Penny what?  That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!

 You promised Penny what?  That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh!

 You promised Penny what?  That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh! What secret. Tell me the secret.  Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. 

 That I wouldn’t tell you the secret. Shhhhh! What secret. Tell me the secret.  Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. 

 What secret. Tell me the secret.  Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad. 

 What secret. Tell me the secret.  Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.  Not that secret, the other secret. I’m Batman. Shhhhh!

 Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.  Not that secret, the other secret. I’m Batman. Shhhhh!

 Not that secret, the other secret. I’m Batman. Shhhhh! Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret. Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. 

 I’m Batman. Shhhhh! Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret. Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. 

 Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret. Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard. 

 Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret. Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.  I promise.  Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. 

 Okay, I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Leonard.  I promise.  Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. 

 I promise.  Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard. 

 I promise.  Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard.  So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?  I drank milk that tasted funny. 

 Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she’s not smart enough for Leonard.  So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?  I drank milk that tasted funny. 

 So it’s nothing I did? It’s her problem?  I drank milk that tasted funny. 

 So, it’s fine with you if I’m not smart.  Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me! 

 Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me! 

 Please let it go, Sheldon. It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine. You’re nitpicking. Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.

 It was rife with historical inaccuracies. For example, the tavern girl serving flagons of mead, now her costume was obviously Germanic, but in 1487 the Bavarian purity laws or Rhineheitsgebot severely limited the availability of mead. At best they would have had some sort of spiced wine. You’re nitpicking. Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.

 You’re nitpicking. Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene.

 Oh-ho! Really? Well here’s another nit for you. The flagons would not have been made of polypropylene. Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy. Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!” I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

 Renaissance fairs aren’t about historical accuracy. They’re about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko’s and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says howdy. Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!” I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

 Bosoms would not have said howdy in the fifteenth century. If anything they would have said “huzzah!” I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

 I don’t care what the bosoms say, Sheldon, I just want to be part of the conversation.

 Bye guys. Like your hat. Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.

 Like your hat. Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.

 Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.

 It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on.

 Thanks, my mom made it. Penny with a new guy, tres awkward. It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on. By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz? That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

 It wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t fun. Besides, what’s the big deal, we dated, we stopped dating, and now we’re both moving on. By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz? That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

 By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz? That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

 By moving on, do you mean, she’s going out with other men and you spent the afternoon making fifteenth century soap with Wolowitz? That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it. Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear. You’re wearing modern underwear?

 That was not fifteenth century soap, my God those people need to learn you can’t just put “ye olde” in front of anything and expect to get away with it. Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear. You’re wearing modern underwear?

 Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear. You’re wearing modern underwear?

 Can we please just go in, my chain mail is stuck in my underwear. You’re wearing modern underwear? Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing? I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.

 You’re wearing modern underwear? Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing? I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.

 Relatively modern. Why, what are you wearing? I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.

 Are you saying that you’ve been holding back? Of course. Out of respect. So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny? Who were you respecting then?

 Of course. Out of respect. So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny? Who were you respecting then?

 So, how do you explain the ten years before Penny? Who were you respecting then?

 H-h-h-how did we get on me, we were mocking Leonard for not moving on. Dude, you have totally not moved on. Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone. Like who? Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.

 Yes I have, it’s just a matter of actually making a date with someone. Like who? Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.

 Like who? Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.

 Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable.

 Like who? Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable. What about Leslie Winkle. Oh no.

 Well, there’s Joyce Kim, but she defected back to North Korea so it’s a little geographically undesireable. What about Leslie Winkle. Oh no.

 Oh no. Why? Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me. I think she’s smoking hot.

 Why? Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me. I think she’s smoking hot.

 Her research methodology is sloppy, she’s unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity, and to make matters worse she’s often mean to me. I think she’s smoking hot.

 You mean like you and Richard the slave girl? I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!

 I bought him dinner and we kissed once, that was it. (Leaving) And he told me his name was Kimberley!

 How? If we were, the food would be better. Hey, Leonard. Hey, Leslie.

 If we were, the food would be better. Hey, Leonard. Hey, Leslie.

 Hey, Leslie. Hey, dummy. Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person. Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.

 Hey, dummy. Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person. Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.

 Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person. Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.

 Ooh, rush me to the burn unit. Hey, Leonard, do you have a second, I need to ask you something.

 Terrific. You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school. I kind of have other plans tonight. But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

 You know what this means, don’t you? Break out the Red Bull, it’s time to rock Mario old school. I kind of have other plans tonight. But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

 I kind of have other plans tonight. But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

 I kind of have other plans tonight. But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia. Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over. Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.

 But it’s Friday. Friday’s always vintage game night. Look, mom included the memory card, we can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia. Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over. Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.

 Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over. Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier.

 Well, the thing is, someone’s coming over. Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier. Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over. Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.

 Well then, no problem, I have three controllers, the more the merrier. Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over. Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.

 Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over. Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion.

 Sheldon, it’s a date, I have a date coming over. Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion. Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date? Well, statistically speaking…

 Oh, well you can’t blame me for not jumping to that conclusion. Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date? Well, statistically speaking…

 Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date? Well, statistically speaking…

 Why, what’s so unusual about me having a date? Well, statistically speaking… Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce. Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

 Well, statistically speaking… Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce. Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

 Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce. Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

 Alright, alright. Well, uh, nevertheless, I have one now and I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce. Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be? You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy? You want me to leave the apartment?

 Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can’t be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be? You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy? You want me to leave the apartment?

 You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy? You want me to leave the apartment?

 You know what I mean, could you just give us a little privacy? You want me to leave the apartment? Yes. You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?

 You want me to leave the apartment? Yes. You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else?

 Yes. You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else? Yes. Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.

 You mean just go someplace else and be… someplace else? Yes. Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too.

 Well, why should I leave, this is my apartment too. I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way. Well alright then.

 I know it is, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy I would be more than happy to get out of your way. Well alright then.

 Sheldon? What are you doing? Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator. Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs? I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.

 Playing Super Mario on a poorly coded Nintendo 64 emulator. Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs? I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.

 Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs? I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date.

 Yeah, but why are you doing it on the stairs? I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date. Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something? Alone?

 I’m a modern day Napoleon exiled to the Elba of the staircase because Leonard, get this, has a date. Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something? Alone?

 Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something? Alone?

 Oh. Oh, well, good for him. Yeah but, why are you sitting here, why don’t you just go to a movie or something? Alone? Yeah, why not? What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

 Alone? Yeah, why not? What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

 Yeah, why not? What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre.

 Yeah, why not? What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre. Well then don’t order popcorn. No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.

 What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich manoeuvre. Well then don’t order popcorn. No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.

 Well then don’t order popcorn. No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself.

 Well then don’t order popcorn. No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself. Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop. I don’t drink coffee.

 No popcorn at the mo… listen to yourself. Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop. I don’t drink coffee.

 Well why don’t you go to a coffee shop. I don’t drink coffee. They have other things. What do they have?

 I don’t drink coffee. They have other things. What do they have?

 They have other things. What do they have? I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries… Pastries such as bearclaws?

 What do they have? I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries… Pastries such as bearclaws?

 I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries… Pastries such as bearclaws?

 I don’t know, you know, cookies, pastries… Pastries such as bearclaws? Yeah, sure. I don’t like bearclaws.

 Pastries such as bearclaws? Yeah, sure. I don’t like bearclaws.

 Yeah, sure. I don’t like bearclaws. Heya Penny. Dumbass. Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

 I don’t like bearclaws. Heya Penny. Dumbass. Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

 Heya Penny. Dumbass. Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

 Heya Penny. Dumbass. Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle? Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists. Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.

 Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle? Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists. Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.

 Well, they have a lot in common. I mean they’re both scientists. Oh please. The only way she could make a contribution to science would be if they resume sending chimps into space.

 Besides shortness, what genetic weaknesses run in your family? I’m sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue. Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance. Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)

 I’m sorry to interrupt, batteries dying continue. Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance. Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)

 Uh, genetic weaknesses, right, um, there’s the lactose intolerance. Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)

 Don’t forget the male pattern baldness. When his uncles sit around the dinner table they look like a half carton of eggs. (Exits. Extension cord trails after him. Eventually goes tight a couple of times then falls loose.)

 Come on, Sheldon, there’s so few places I can wear my jester costume. I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort. Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s. You mean like Spock?

 I don’t care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort. Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s. You mean like Spock?

 Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s. You mean like Spock?

 Sure. Fascinating. Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon. Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.

 Fascinating. Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon. Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.

 Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon. Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us.

 Hey fellow scientists. Sheldon. Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us. Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.) If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

 Hey, why don’t we all move over there so Leslie can join us. Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.) If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

 Hmm, let’s do it. (Sheldon does not move. Leonard looks confused.) If you’re having trouble deciding where to sit may I suggest one potato two potato, or as I call it the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

 Don’t make this hard for me. It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with. You’re right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)

 It’s not hard. It’s simple. You can either sit with me, your friend, colleague and roommate, or you can sit with an overrated scientist you might have sex with. You’re right, it is simple. (Sits with Leslie.)

 Hey, Sheldon. Penny. Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something. Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?

 Penny. Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something. Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?

 Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something. Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food?

 Third floor tonight. Mixing it up? (Sheldon indicates extension cord.) Oh. You know, I still don’t understand why you just don’t go to dinner or something. Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food? Goodnight Sheldon. Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?

 Alright, let’s say I go to dinner alone. And during the meal I have to use the rest room. How do I know someone’s not touching my food? Goodnight Sheldon. Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?

 Goodnight Sheldon. Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard?

 Goodnight Sheldon. Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard? Excuse me? I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?

 Penny, hold on. Are you sure things can’t work out with you and Leonard? Excuse me? I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?

 Excuse me? I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try?

 Excuse me? I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try? Okay, where is this coming from? Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.

 I’m just wondering if you really gave it the old college try? Or in your case the old community college try? Okay, where is this coming from? Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.

 Okay, where is this coming from? Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.

 Okay, where is this coming from? Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy. Your arch enemy? Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

 Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy. Your arch enemy? Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

 Your arch enemy? Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

 Your arch enemy? Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel. Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

 Yes, the Doctor Doom to my Mr Fantastic. The Doctor Octopus to my Spiderman. The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel. Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

 Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.

 Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it. Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out. Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me. Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.

 Do you know, it’s amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out. Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me. Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.

 Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me. Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research.

 Sheldon, come back, you’re losing me. Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research. Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. She called me dumbass.

 Leslie Winkle, Penny. She belittles my research. Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. She called me dumbass.

 Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. She called me dumbass. I know. I heard. Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.

 She called me dumbass. I know. I heard. Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.

 I know. I heard. Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard.

 I know. I heard. Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard. Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends. No, that response is unacceptable to me.

 Given this situation, I have no choice but to withdraw my previous objections to your ill considered relationship with Leonard. Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends. No, that response is unacceptable to me.

 Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends. No, that response is unacceptable to me.

 Oh, gee, well, thankyou for that. But, um, I think for now Leonard and I are just going to stay friends. No, that response is unacceptable to me. Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know… Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

 No, that response is unacceptable to me. Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know… Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

 Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know… Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

 Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know… Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart. Are you going to let me talk? I’m sorry.

 Smart? I’d have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart. Are you going to let me talk? I’m sorry.

 Are you going to let me talk? I’m sorry. You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it. You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.

 I’m sorry. You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it. You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.

 You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it. You continue to underestimate my abilities madam.

 You must know that if Leonard and Leslie want to be together, nothing you can do is going to stop it. You continue to underestimate my abilities madam. Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with. Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

 You continue to underestimate my abilities madam. Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with. Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

 Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with. Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?

 Okay, let me put it this way, if you’re really Leonard’s friend you will support him no matter who he wants to be with. Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle? Because love trumps hate. Oh now you’re just making stuff up.

 Wait a minute, why am I doing all the giving here? If Leonard’s really my friend, why doesn’t he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle? Because love trumps hate. Oh now you’re just making stuff up.

 Okay. Goodnight Sheldon. Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you. Hop, you little plumber, hop, hop, hop.

 If the word is pee-pee, just do it. Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie. Thank you. I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.

 Leonard, you are my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently. So I am withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie. Thank you. I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.

 Thank you. I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun.

 Thank you. I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun. Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory. I’m listening, amuse me.

 I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant sub-par scientist, who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory. You kids have fun. Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory. I’m listening, amuse me.

 Hang on a second. Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory. I’m listening, amuse me.

 Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings. Are you going to let him talk to me like that? Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories. No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)

 Are you going to let him talk to me like that? Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories. No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)

 Okay, well, there is a lot of merit to both theories. No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)

 No there isn’t, only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes. (Sheldon grunts.)

 Oh, it isn’t, really? Tell me Leonard, how would we raise the children? I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory. We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.) Wait, where are you going?

 I guess we let them wait until they’re old enough and let them choose their own theory. We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.) Wait, where are you going?

 We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.) Wait, where are you going?

 We can’t let them choose, Leonard, they’re children. (Storms off.) Wait, where are you going? I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.) Look on the bright side.

 Wait, where are you going? I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.) Look on the bright side.

 I’m sorry, I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice-cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this? This is a deal breaker. (Leaves.) Look on the bright side.

 Yeah. That’s a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn’t come into existence until the first half of the twentieth century.

 Yes, I can’t get my stupid door open. You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that? Yeah! Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) 

 You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that? Yeah! Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) 

 Yeah! Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.) 

 Yeah! Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)  Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?

 Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)  Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?

 Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?

 Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly? I can’t get the damned key out. Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.

 Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly? I can’t get the damned key out. Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.

 I can’t get the damned key out. Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system.

 I can’t get the damned key out. Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system. Thankyou, Sheldon. You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?

 Well that’s not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system. Thankyou, Sheldon. You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?

 Thankyou, Sheldon. You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?

 Thankyou, Sheldon. You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean? Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….

 You’re welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean? Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….

 Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean? Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure….

 Why? I’ll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean? Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure…. I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it. Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

 Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure…. I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it. Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

 I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it. Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein.

 I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven’t got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven’t gotten a raise at work, haven’t even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it. Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein. Oh, sonofabitch! I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.

 Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they’re almost pure protein. Oh, sonofabitch! I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.

 Oh, sonofabitch! I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.

 Oh, sonofabitch! I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you. I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here. And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?

 I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you. I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here. And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?

 I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here. And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?

 I did, and he said he’ll get here when he gets here. And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology? No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.) There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

 And you’re frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology? No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.) There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

 No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.) There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?

 No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly. (Bursts into tears.) There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment? No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old. Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) 

 There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment? No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old. Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) 

 No Sheldon, I’d rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three year-old. Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.) 

 For God’s sake! (Stomps into apartment.) Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.

 Sheldor? The Conqueror. What are you doing? AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.

 The Conqueror. What are you doing? AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.

 What are you doing? AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian.

 What are you doing? AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian. Oh. Sheldor, back online.

 AFK. I’m playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian. Oh. Sheldor, back online.

 What’s AFK? AFK. Away from keyboard. OIC. What does that stand for?

 Leonard, guess what, I’m a level three warrior. Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment? Yeah yeah yeah, shhh! I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

 Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment? Yeah yeah yeah, shhh! I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

 Yeah yeah yeah, shhh! I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

 I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife.

 Yeah yeah yeah, shhh! I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife. Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach? It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.

 I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it’s starting to attract wildlife. Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach? It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.

 Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach? It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure.

 Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach? It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure. Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going? You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.

 It doesn’t matter, right now you’re looking for treasure. Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going? You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.

 Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going? You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.

 You’re okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots. Want to catch me up? Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly. Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?

 Want to catch me up? Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly. Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?

 Well let’s see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn’t had sex in six months, and she ate a fly. Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?

 They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker. That’s what makes it get all funky. Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon. No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.

 That’s what makes it get all funky. Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon. No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.

 Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon. No, that’s what she said, Sheldon.

 Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon. No, that’s what she said, Sheldon. Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain. Do you have the enchanted sword?

 No, that’s what she said, Sheldon. Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain. Do you have the enchanted sword?

 Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain. Do you have the enchanted sword?

 Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can’t figure out how to get past the guard captain. Do you have the enchanted sword? No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger. You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

 Do you have the enchanted sword? No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger. You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

 No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger. You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again.

 No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger. You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again. Alright, alright, how do I get the sword? Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?

 You can’t slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it’s like the car key in your apartment door all over again. Alright, alright, how do I get the sword? Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?

 Alright, alright, how do I get the sword? Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?

 Alright, alright, how do I get the sword? Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra? Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it? No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)

 Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra? Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it? No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)

 Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it? No, no, no, it’s… oh for God’s sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)

 Beats me. They were playing all last night too. It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover. Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty. I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?

 It’s like some kind of weird comic book crossover. Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty. I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?

 Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty. I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?

 Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty. I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic. There you go, one enchanted sword.

 I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian? No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic. There you go, one enchanted sword.

 No, that’s Marcie. Peppermint Patty’s just athletic. There you go, one enchanted sword.

 There you go, one enchanted sword. Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves). That girl needs to get a life.

 Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves). That girl needs to get a life.

 Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don. Danger, danger. No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right? You’re in my bedroom.

 Danger, danger. No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right? You’re in my bedroom.

 No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right? You’re in my bedroom.

 No danger, look, it’s just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right? You’re in my bedroom. Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key. People can’t be in my bedroom.

 You’re in my bedroom. Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key. People can’t be in my bedroom.

 Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key. People can’t be in my bedroom.

 Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key. People can’t be in my bedroom. Okay, well can we go talk in the living room? I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.

 People can’t be in my bedroom. Okay, well can we go talk in the living room? I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.

 Okay, well can we go talk in the living room? I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms.

 Okay, well can we go talk in the living room? I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms. Why not? I spilled grape juice.

 I’m not wearing pyjama bottoms. Why not? I spilled grape juice.

 Why not? I spilled grape juice. Well, wear different pyjamas. I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

 I spilled grape juice. Well, wear different pyjamas. I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

 Well, wear different pyjamas. I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.

 Well, wear different pyjamas. I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom. Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle? You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?

 I can’t wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom. Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle? You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?

 Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle? You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?

 Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep. Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms. Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

 Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don’t got in Sheldon’s room, he’s not wearing bottoms. Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

 People, I am very busy today. I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes. Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time? Dr Dumbass.

 I realise that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes. Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time? Dr Dumbass.

 Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time? Dr Dumbass.

 Fine. Dr Winkle, what colourful name did you call Dr Cooper this time? Dr Dumbass. Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises. No she doesn’t.

 Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologises. No she doesn’t. No I don’t. Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

 No she doesn’t. No I don’t. Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

 No I don’t. Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.

 No I don’t. Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall. It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months. If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!

 Here’s the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall. It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months. If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!

 It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months. If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!

 It wasn’t even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months. If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny! You need to get that Dr Cooper? God, no.

 If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny! You need to get that Dr Cooper? God, no.

 You need to get that Dr Cooper? God, no. Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year. Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…

 God, no. Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year. Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…

 Well don’t turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you’ve been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year. Oh yeah, well, you wouldn’t even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she’s doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock…

 Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you’re not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can’t log on and help you. We’ll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I’m not getting the computing time, am I? Dumbass.

 Why should I do something, you’re the one who introduced her to online gaming. Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening. Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone. I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.

 Well, yes, but you’re the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you’d simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening. Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone. I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.

 Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone. I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do.

 Why don’t you just tell her to leave you alone. I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do. Well, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

 I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don’t know what else to do. Well, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

 Well, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know, but if you don’t figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.

 Penny’s been keeping him up at night. Me too. But probably in a different way. She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop. Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.

 Me too. But probably in a different way. She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop. Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.

 She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop. Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.

 Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.

 She’s gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she’s playing non-stop. Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back. Sheldon, wake up. Danger, danger.

 Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There’s nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back. Sheldon, wake up. Danger, danger.

 Sheldon, wake up. Danger, danger. Afternoon men. Sheldon. Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.

 Danger, danger. Afternoon men. Sheldon. Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.

 Afternoon men. Sheldon. Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males…. oh, I’m too tired to do this.

 That’s not what she’s doing, Leslie, she’s just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex. Everything has to do with sex. Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.) I’m not touching that.

 Everything has to do with sex. Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.) I’m not touching that.

 Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.) I’m not touching that.

 Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a handslap.) I’m not touching that. Leslie, you are way off base here. Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

 I’m not touching that. Leslie, you are way off base here. Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

 Leslie, you are way off base here. Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.

 Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness. Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some. Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. I’ll take the bullet.

 Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some. Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. I’ll take the bullet.

 Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. I’ll take the bullet.

 Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse. I’ll take the bullet. Excuse me, this whole idea is insane. Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

 I’ll take the bullet. Excuse me, this whole idea is insane. Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

 Excuse me, this whole idea is insane. Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

 Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I’m going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship? No. Would you like to be? Uh, sure, why not?

 Would you like to be? Uh, sure, why not? Sheldon… Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?

 Uh, sure, why not? Sheldon… Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?

 Uh… (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.) There, problem solved. Dumbass.

 Okay, I’m at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I’m going in. Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies. Got it. I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?

 Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies. Got it. I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?

 Got it. I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23?

 Got it. I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23? 22. Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)

 I must say, you’re playing very well for a woman of 23? 22. Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)

 22. Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)

 22. Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.) Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance? What happened to the rest of your group?

 Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.) Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance? What happened to the rest of your group?

 Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance? What happened to the rest of your group?

 Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance? What happened to the rest of your group? I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies. Frenzy stance.

 What happened to the rest of your group? I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies. Frenzy stance.

 I dumped them, they’re a bunch of wussies. Frenzy stance. Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy! So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?

 Frenzy stance. Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy! So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?

 Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy! So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?

 Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy! So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book? What? These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.

 So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book? What? These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.

 What? These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game.

 What? These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game. Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die! Drink a healing potion.

 These are market research questions. I’m filling out the online registration for your game. Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die! Drink a healing potion.

 Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die! Drink a healing potion.

 Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn’t working, die you undead mummy, die! Drink a healing potion. Thank you. You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

 Drink a healing potion. Thank you. You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

 Thank you. You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?

 Thank you. You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin? That’s on the registration? Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.

 You’re welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin? That’s on the registration? Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.

 That’s on the registration? Oh yes, it’s quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.

 Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I’m a big old five. Good to know. Big old five.

 Hi. Leonard, this is Tom. Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria? Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

 Leonard, this is Tom. Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria? Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

 Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria? Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

 Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn’t I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria? Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny. Chosen by science? Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

 Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny. Chosen by science? Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

 Chosen by science? Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.

 Chosen by science? Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum. You got Penny to sign up for online dating? No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.

 Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum. You got Penny to sign up for online dating? No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.

 You got Penny to sign up for online dating? No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.

 You got Penny to sign up for online dating? No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit. This is bad. Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

 No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit. This is bad. Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

 This is bad. Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.

 This is bad. Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex. Really, really bad. I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.

 Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he’s going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex. Really, really bad. I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.

 Really, really bad. I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five.

 I’m surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she’s a big old five. Sheldon, what do you want. Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny. Hi Penny.

 Sheldon, what do you want. Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny. Hi Penny.

 Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny. Hi Penny.

 Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I’d like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny. Hi Penny. Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank. Can we talk about this later.

 Hi Penny. Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank. Can we talk about this later.

 Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I’m here, I’m on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don’t know what they’re doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank. Can we talk about this later.

 That would be me. Come to Poppa, you un-kosher delight. (To Penny) I’m not necessarily talking to the food. Sit over there. Sit over there. Baby wipe? What do you have….

 Sit over there. Baby wipe? What do you have…. Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! I’ll tell you why.

 I’ll tell you why. O-o-o-oh! I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers. I thought the blowers were more sanitary?

 O-o-o-oh! I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers. I thought the blowers were more sanitary?

 I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers. I thought the blowers were more sanitary?

 So what’s your news? Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt? Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen. Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.

 Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt? Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen. Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.

 Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen. Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.

 Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.

 Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen. Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch. Well, wow, that’s incredible. Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?

 Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch. Well, wow, that’s incredible. Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?

 Well, wow, that’s incredible. Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?

 You’d do the dolphins. Do I get an honourable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used. Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars. Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.

 Do I get an honourable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used. Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars. Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.

 Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars. Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.

 Sorry, it’s not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars. Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley. It’s a lease. I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

 Poverty? Your father’s a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley. It’s a lease. I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

 It’s a lease. I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

 It’s a lease. I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included? Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me. What people?

 I’m confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included? Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me. What people?

 Peer review? It’s People magazine. People picked me. What people?

 What people? The people from People. Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty? Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.

 The people from People. Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty? Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.

 Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that’s been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty? Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.

 Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren’t giving her this kind of crap.

 Oh, there’s my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren’t you, you little subatomic Dickens? Hi Sheldon. Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino. Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.

 Hi Sheldon. Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino. Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.

 Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino. Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.

 Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino. Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons. Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner. Apologise, for what?

 Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons. Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner. Apologise, for what?

 Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner. Apologise, for what?

 Well, we’re going to go apologise to Raj and invite him out to dinner. Apologise, for what? Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive. I sense you’re trying to tell me something.

 Apologise, for what? Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive. I sense you’re trying to tell me something.

 Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive. I sense you’re trying to tell me something.

 Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren’t very supportive. I sense you’re trying to tell me something. You were a colossal ass-hat. Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.

 I sense you’re trying to tell me something. You were a colossal ass-hat. Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.

 You were a colossal ass-hat. Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.

 You were a colossal ass-hat. Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive. Really, do tell. How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

 Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive. Really, do tell. How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

 Really, do tell. How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

 Really, do tell. How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died. Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve? I had not considered that.

 How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died. Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve? I had not considered that.

 Okay, let’s try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve? I had not considered that.

 I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad. He can feel sadness? Not really, it’s what you and I would call condescension.

 He can feel sadness? Not really, it’s what you and I would call condescension.

 Dr Cooper. Dr Gablehauser. Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star? Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.

 Dr Gablehauser. Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star? Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.

 Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star? Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.

 Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star? Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body. I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star. Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.

 Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body. I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star. Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.

 I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star. Well, you didn’t discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.

 Really, you don’t have to go to any trouble. How about if I put you in Von Gerlick’s old office? I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger. Done.

 How about if I put you in Von Gerlick’s old office? I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger. Done.

 I’d rather have Fishbine’s, it’s bigger. Done. Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe. He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?

 Done. Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe. He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?

 Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine’s office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe. He gets a new office, I can’t even get paper towels in the men’s room?

 Who doesn’t? Dr Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President’s dining room? I didn’t even know there was a President’s dining room. It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy. Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)

 I didn’t even know there was a President’s dining room. It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy. Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)

 It’s the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy. Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)

 Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can’t go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don’t know what I’d do without him. You just got him this afternoon. Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me. A lackey?

 You just got him this afternoon. Yes, but I’m finding that having a lackey suits me. A lackey?

 Now? Almost. Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited. Oh, gee, thanks.

 Almost. Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited. Oh, gee, thanks.

 Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited. Oh, gee, thanks.

 Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse? Gee, I’d love to Raj, but I can’t make it. Oh, okay, Leonard? Well, uh, no I… the… no.

 Gee, I’d love to Raj, but I can’t make it. Oh, okay, Leonard? Well, uh, no I… the… no.

 Sheldon? I can make it, but I won’t. What are you guys talking about? Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.

 I can make it, but I won’t. What are you guys talking about? Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.

 What are you guys talking about? Well, there’s a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.

 Would you like to go with me? Of course I would, I would be honoured. Really? Cool. Shame on you guys. (Leaves)

 Of course I would, I would be honoured. Really? Cool. Shame on you guys. (Leaves)

 Pass. So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart? It’s not a date, and that’s racist. It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.

 So you’re just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart? It’s not a date, and that’s racist. It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.

 It’s not a date, and that’s racist. It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons.

 It’s not a date, and that’s racist. It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons. Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?

 It can’t be racist, he’s a beloved character on the Simpsons. Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?

 Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?

 Let’s just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded? Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded?

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded? Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded?

 Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded? Yes. Brown rice, not white?

 Even though the menu description specifies shredded? Yes. Brown rice, not white?

 Yes. Brown rice, not white? Yes. Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.

 Brown rice, not white? Yes. Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.

 Yes. Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.

 Yes. Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard. Yes. Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?

 Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard. Yes. Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?

 Yes. Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market? Yes. Thank you.

 Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market? Yes. Thank you.

 You’re welcome. What took you so long? Just sit down and eat. Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)

 What took you so long? Just sit down and eat. Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)

 Just sit down and eat. Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)

 Just sit down and eat. Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.) Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do? I want you to check before you accept the order.

 Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.) Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do? I want you to check before you accept the order.

 Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do? I want you to check before you accept the order.

 Alright, it’s shredded, what do you want me to do? I want you to check before you accept the order. Sorry. Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

 I want you to check before you accept the order. Sorry. Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

 Sorry. Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?

 Sorry. Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight? He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny. Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.

 Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight? He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny. Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.

 He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny. Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.

 He’s not going to have intercourse with Penny. Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood. Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle. That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

 Then there’s no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood. Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle. That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

 Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle. That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.

 Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle. That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers. Do the shrimpers feature in your story? No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.

 That’s Northwest Texas, I’m from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers. Do the shrimpers feature in your story? No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.

 Do the shrimpers feature in your story? No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.

 No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky. Lucky? Yes, Lucky. He’s irony impaired, just move on.

 Yes, Lucky. He’s irony impaired, just move on. Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue. While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.

 He’s irony impaired, just move on. Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue. While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.

 Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue. While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.

 Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue. While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command. So, not a puppy? Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.

 While others mourned Lucky, I realised his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command. So, not a puppy? Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.

 So, not a puppy? Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.

 So, not a puppy? Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin. A griffin? Yes, half eagle, half lion.

 Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin. A griffin? Yes, half eagle, half lion.

 A griffin? Yes, half eagle, half lion. And mythological. Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

 Yes, half eagle, half lion. And mythological. Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

 And mythological. Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

 And mythological. Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them. Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point. My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.

 Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them. Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point. My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.

 Sheldon, not that we don’t all enjoy a good lion semen story, what’s your point. My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.

 My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort. You want to breed a new friend? That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln. Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.

 You want to breed a new friend? That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln. Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.

 That’s one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they’re doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln. Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane.

 Sheldon, don’t take this the wrong way, but, you’re insane. That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people. Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested. If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.

 That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn’t kill us to meet some new people. Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested. If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.

 Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I’m not insane, my mother had me tested. If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.

 If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.

 Sorry. Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)

 Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)

 Uh-huh. Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me. I’m not going to work. Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.

 Yeah, we’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work, I bought these Star Wars sheets but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me. I’m not going to work. Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.

 I’m not going to work. Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up.

 I’m not going to work. Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up. Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment. Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?

 Oh, just because your career’s been stagnant for a few years, that’s no reason to give up. Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment. Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?

 Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment. Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas?

 Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my X-ray diffraction experiment. Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas? No. Then you can drive. Let’s go.

 Did the laser accidentally burn out your retinas? No. Then you can drive. Let’s go.

 No. Then you can drive. Let’s go. Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements. You did.

 Then you can drive. Let’s go. Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements. You did.

 Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements. You did.

 Didn’t I tell you I’d be working nights, and that you’d have to make other arrangements. You did. And? I didn’t. Let’s go.

 And? I didn’t. Let’s go. Goodnight, Sheldon. But how am I going to get to work?

 I didn’t. Let’s go. Goodnight, Sheldon. But how am I going to get to work?

 Goodnight, Sheldon. But how am I going to get to work? Take the bus. I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

 But how am I going to get to work? Take the bus. I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

 Take the bus. I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.

 Take the bus. I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords. You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords? I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

 I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords. You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords? I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

 You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords? I didn’t try, I succeeded. For some reason it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

 Oh, you’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out. Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. Now, take me to return my star wars sheets!

 Sheldon, what is it? Leonard’s asleep. Thanks for the update (begins to close door.) No, wait. You have to drive me to work.

 Leonard’s asleep. Thanks for the update (begins to close door.) No, wait. You have to drive me to work.

 Thanks for the update (begins to close door.) No, wait. You have to drive me to work.

 Thanks for the update (begins to close door.) No, wait. You have to drive me to work. Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do. But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.

 No, wait. You have to drive me to work. Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do. But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.

 Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do. But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus.

 Yeah, uh, I really don’t think I do. But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus. Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay? Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?

 But I don’t drive, and I can’t take the bus. Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay? Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?

 Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay? Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends?

 Yeah, honey, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t do that bungee cord thing, okay? Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends? Yes, Sheldon, we are friends. Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.

 Penny. Didn’t you recently state that you and I are friends? Yes, Sheldon, we are friends. Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.

 Yes, Sheldon, we are friends. Then I hereby invoke what I’m given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favour.

 Oh, dear God. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you’re done, we’ll go.

 You know this is my day off, Sheldon. Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on. Mm-hmm. Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.

 Oh, good. I’m not keeping you from anything. Your check engine light is on. Mm-hmm. Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.

 Mm-hmm. Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine.

 Mm-hmm. Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine. It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month. Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

 Typically that’s an indicator. To, you know, check your engine. It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month. Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

 It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month. Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.

 It’s fine, it’s been on for, like, a month. Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine. Sheldon, it’s fine. If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.

 Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine. Sheldon, it’s fine. If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.

 Sheldon, it’s fine. If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.

 Sheldon, it’s fine. If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine. Uh, maybe the light’s broken. Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!

 If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine. Uh, maybe the light’s broken. Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!

 Uh, maybe the light’s broken. Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh!

 Uh, maybe the light’s broken. Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh! What? Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

 Is there a “check the check engine light light”? (Penny takes a drink of coffee) O-o-o-oh! What? Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

 What? Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.

 What? Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol. Do you have any alcohol? Of course not.

 Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one’s reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol. Do you have any alcohol? Of course not.

 Do you have any alcohol? Of course not. Too bad. You’re going up Euclid Avenue?

 Too bad. You’re going up Euclid Avenue? Mm-hmm. Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.

 You’re going up Euclid Avenue? Mm-hmm. Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.

 Mm-hmm. Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue. Well, good for Leonard. Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?

 Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue. Well, good for Leonard. Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?

 Well, good for Leonard. Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?

 Well, good for Leonard. Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is? No. The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?

 Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you’re not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection. Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is? No. The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?

 No. The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one?

 No. The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one? No. Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

 The answer’s tricky. It’s Second Street. You see, you’d think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue. Leonard and I often use our commute time to exercise our minds  with brain-teasers like that. We also play games. Would you like to play one? No. Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

 No. Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

 No. Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again? How about we just have a little quiet time now? All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.

 Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh.  Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and  I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and  there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again? How about we just have a little quiet time now? All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.

 How about we just have a little quiet time now? All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling.

 How about we just have a little quiet time now? All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling. Get out. Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.

 All right. Hmm, huh, I’m sorry, I’m finding your reckless nonchalance regarding the check-engine light to be very troubling. Get out. Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.

 Get out. Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I’m not sure I’m capable of performing diagnostics.

 I said, get out. Okay. I’ll give it a shot. (Gets out. Penny drives away.)

 Good, perfect timing. Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks. No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work. Howard, help me out here.

 Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can’t drive you for the next few weeks. No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work. Howard, help me out here.

 No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work. Howard, help me out here.

 No, you said you couldn’t drive me to work, this is from work. Howard, help me out here. No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side. Now, how do you propose I get home?

 Howard, help me out here. No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side. Now, how do you propose I get home?

 No, just for the fun of it, I’m gonna take his side. Now, how do you propose I get home?

 Why did Howard leave you in the middle of the road anyway? We had a difference of opinion. Over what? Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?

 We had a difference of opinion. Over what? Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?

 Over what? Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going?

 Over what? Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going? I’m taking you home. Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.

 Whether or not he was trying to kill me. For the record, I maintain he was. Where are you going? I’m taking you home. Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.

 I’m taking you home. Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.

 Can you drive me to Pottery Barn? (She closes the door) Maybe if I turn off the night-light, I can keep the sheets.

 She’s in my spot. Don’t look at me like that, everybody knows that my spot. Sheldon, you know  that we care about you. And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up. You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.

 Sheldon, you know  that we care about you. And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up. You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.

 And it’s because we care about you that we’ve decided we have to speak up. You’re hurting the people around you, sweetie.

 So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it. Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem. Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive. This madness has to stop.

 Department of motor vehicles new driver handbook? But I don’t have a problem. Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive. This madness has to stop.

 Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive. This madness has to stop.

 This madness has to stop. Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed. Why Penny? Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.

 Penny’s taking you to the DMV, I’m going to bed. Why Penny? Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight.

 Why Penny? Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight. All right, come on Sheldon. Hold on, I have one condition.

 Because rock breaks scissors, goodnight. All right, come on Sheldon. Hold on, I have one condition.

 All right, come on Sheldon. Hold on, I have one condition. What? We have to stop at Pottery Barn.

 Hold on, I have one condition. What? We have to stop at Pottery Barn.

 I just don’t see why I need a driver’s license, Albert Einstein never had a driver’s license. Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour. Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else? I was otherwise engaged.

 Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn’t make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour. Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else? I was otherwise engaged.

 Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts. You know, I gotta ask, why didn’t you just get a license at 16 like everybody else? I was otherwise engaged.

 I was otherwise engaged. Doing what? Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory. Well, how ’bout when you were 17?

 Doing what? Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory. Well, how ’bout when you were 17?

 Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory. Well, how ’bout when you were 17?

 Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory. Well, how ’bout when you were 17? Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application? I’m actually more of a theorist.

 Well, how ’bout when you were 17? Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application? I’m actually more of a theorist.

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application? I’m actually more of a theorist.

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! (Sheldon moves forward) Application? I’m actually more of a theorist. The application in your hand, give it to her. Oh.

 I’m actually more of a theorist. The application in your hand, give it to her. Oh.

 The application in your hand, give it to her. Oh. Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.

 Oh. Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.

 Take this to the testing area, put your name at the top, sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back, next! Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions. Look at that sign up there. Yes?

 Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions. Look at that sign up there. Yes?

 Look at that sign up there. Yes? Does it say I give a damn? No.

 No. That’s because I don’t. Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure. Look at the sign.

 That’s because I don’t. Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure. Look at the sign.

 Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure. Look at the sign.

 Just, look, see, this first question makes no sense, how many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving? There’s no possible way to answer that, a car length is not a standardized unit of measure. Look at the sign. Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C. I don’t need your help, Penny.

 Look at the sign. Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C. I don’t need your help, Penny.

 Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C. I don’t need your help, Penny.

 Sheldon, it’s C, just put down C. I don’t need your help, Penny. Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next! No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.

 I don’t need your help, Penny. Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next! No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.

 Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next! No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question.

 Listen to that little girl, honey, put C. Next! No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question. Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV? How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

 No, no, wait, no, hang on, look at this next question. Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV? How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

 Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV? How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, when are roadways most slippery? Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

 Here’s your learner’s permit. Go away. But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions. Don’t make me climb over this counter. Come on, let’s go.

 But I’m not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions. Don’t make me climb over this counter. Come on, let’s go.

 Okay, that’s it, let’s boot it up. Booting. This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army. Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?

 Booting. This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army. Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?

 This is a state-of-the-art simulator. I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army. Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah, behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?

 Ooh! No. Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena. Hmmmm?

 No. Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena. Hmmmm?

 Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena. Hmmmm?

 Here we go, red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena. Hmmmm? What? Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.

 Hmmmm? What? Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.

 What? Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz.

 Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other colour. I don’t want any hassles with the fuzz. Fine, what colour do you want? You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered? Black it is.

 Fine, what colour do you want? You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered? Black it is.

 You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered? Black it is.

 You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered? Black it is. Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive. I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.

 Black it is. Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive. I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.

 Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive. I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet.

 Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive. I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet. Okay, fasten your seat belt. Click. Now, are there air bags?

 I haven’t fastened my seat belt yet. Okay, fasten your seat belt. Click. Now, are there air bags?

 Oh. Watch out. Oh God! Watch, watch out, watch out for pedestrians!

 Watch out. Oh God! Watch, watch out, watch out for pedestrians!

 How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria? I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another. Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow. No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)

 I don’t know. I was on the Pasadena freeway, I missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another. Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow. No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)

 Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow. No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.)

 Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow. No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.) Aw, the pet store? Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.

 No. I quit. (Stands up. There is more sound of crashing and panic, then animal noises.) Aw, the pet store? Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.

 Aw, the pet store? Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed.

 Aw, the pet store? Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed. So wait,you’re just gonna give up? No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.

 Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it’s amazingly detailed. So wait,you’re just gonna give up? No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.

 So wait,you’re just gonna give up? No, I’m not giving up, I never give up.

 So wait,you’re just gonna give up? No, I’m not giving up, I never give up. So what is it you’re doing? I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.

 No, I’m not giving up, I never give up. So what is it you’re doing? I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.

 So what is it you’re doing? I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving.

 So what is it you’re doing? I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving. What does that mean? Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?

 I’m transcending the situation. I’m clearly too evolved for driving. What does that mean? Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?

 What does that mean? Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?

 What does that mean? Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size? I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that. Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.

 Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size? I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that. Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.

 I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that. Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.

 I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not… not that. Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human. No kidding. Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.

 Well, those are indicators that I’m farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human. No kidding. Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.

 No kidding. Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to.

 No kidding. Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to. Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive! No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.

 Well, no, no, I’m not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novus, if you will, no, that’s for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I’m not meant to. Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive! No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.

 Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive! No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road.

 Yes, you are, you’re meant to learn how to drive. Please learn how to drive! No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road. It’s never safe. Yeah, well, I know that now.

 No, no. Leonard, I’m meant for greater things, like unraveling the mysteries of the universe, not determining when it’s safe to pass a stopped school bus on a country road. It’s never safe. Yeah, well, I know that now.

 Excuse me. Sheldon, we both agreed to do this. It’s a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles. If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store. Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.

 It’s a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles. If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store. Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.

 If you don’t do this, I won’t take you to the comic book store. Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.

 Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way. Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I too was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I’d already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to, despite my 9 o’clock bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although, it’s more likely that you’ll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make paper mache volcanoes with baking soda lava.

 No, if you can talk to them, you can ask them out. Damn, there’s always a catch. Hey, guys. Hey, Leslie.

 Hey, guys. Hey, Leslie. So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night. The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

 Hey, Leslie. So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night. The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

 So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night. The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

 So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night. The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds? Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”? Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.

 The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds? Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”? Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.

 Because first-rate minds call you “dumbass”? Oh, yeah? Well… you’re a mean person.

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Ramona Nowitzki, I was at your talk last night. I think you’re just brilliant. That is the prevailing opinion. Oh, now I’m gonna throw up. Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.

 That is the prevailing opinion. Oh, now I’m gonna throw up. Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.

 Oh, now I’m gonna throw up. Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.

 Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System.

 Oh, now I’m gonna throw up. Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System. Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons? Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.

 Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station’s Liquid Waste Disposal System. Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons? Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.

 Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons? Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle.

 Ew. Dr. Cooper, I’ve read everything you’ve published. I especially liked your paper on grand unification using string-network condensates and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string-nets provided a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons? Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle. Woof. The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.

 Amazing, an intelligent labradoodle. Woof. The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.

 Woof. The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.

 The fact is I’m quite close to a breakthrough in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate. Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe. It’s what I do. You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.

 Oh, my God, that would change the way we view the entire physical universe. It’s what I do. You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.

 It’s what I do. You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.

 You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.

 You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well. Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime? I don’t drink coffee. I do. I love me a cup of joe.

 Again, ew. You know, I’d love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos. Could we get a cup of coffee sometime? I don’t drink coffee. I do. I love me a cup of joe.

 I don’t drink coffee. I do. I love me a cup of joe. Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner? I do eat dinner.

 I do. I love me a cup of joe. Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner? I do eat dinner.

 Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. How about dinner? I do eat dinner.

 I do eat dinner. Great. I know a terrific little Italian place. I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery. Excuse me?

 Great. I know a terrific little Italian place. I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery. Excuse me?

 I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery. Excuse me?

 I never eat in strange restaurants. One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery. Excuse me? Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork. Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

 Excuse me? Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork. Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

 Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork. Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

 Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork. Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas. What if I brought food to your place? That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

 Three tines is not a fork, three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas. What if I brought food to your place? That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

 What if I brought food to your place? That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

 What if I brought food to your place? That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace. You got it. I already have your address. What a nice girl.

 That would be acceptable. On Mondays, I eat Thai food. Mee krob and chicken sate with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace. You got it. I already have your address. What a nice girl.

 Hey, Ramona. Come on in. Thanks. Where should I put this? Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing? I need to see this.

 Thanks. Where should I put this? Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing? I need to see this.

 Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing? I need to see this.

 Uh, the kitchen’s fine. (To Penny) Hey, what are you doing? I need to see this. Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here. Oh, hello.

 I need to see this. Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here. Oh, hello.

 Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here. Oh, hello.

 Uh-huh. The viewing area’s right over there. Sheldon, your girl… date… person… Ramona’s here. Oh, hello. Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper. Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?

 Oh, hello. Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper. Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?

 Oh, sorry I’m late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper. Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?

 Her loss. Let’s go. Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K… To-the-E-to-the-T… Ooh… Don’t.

 Brisket party! B-to-the-R-to-the-I-S-K… To-the-E-to-the-T… Ooh… Don’t.

 Hey, aren’t you having breakfast? Yes. Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again? Not in these pants.

 Yes. Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again? Not in these pants.

 Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again? Not in these pants.

 Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again? Not in these pants. So, how’d it go with Ramona last night? Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

 Not in these pants. So, how’d it go with Ramona last night? Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

 So, how’d it go with Ramona last night? Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

 So, how’d it go with Ramona last night? Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me. Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette . Thank you. Did anyone touch it?

 Oh, great. She’s smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me. Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette . Thank you. Did anyone touch it?

 Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette . Thank you. Did anyone touch it?

 Here’s your spinach mushroom omelette . Thank you. Did anyone touch it? Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant. Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.

 Thank you. Did anyone touch it? Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant. Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.

 Gloves were worn by everyone involved. I was vigilant. Ramona pointed out that I’ve been wasting 20 minutes a day standing on cafeteria lines.

 Touche. Morning. Ah, hey Leslie. So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.

 Morning. Ah, hey Leslie. So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.

 Ah, hey Leslie. So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.

 So, Sheldon, I see you’re organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.

 Oh, good one. I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I’ll let you keep your lunch money today. Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)  Wait for me.

 I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I’ll let you keep your lunch money today. Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)  Wait for me.

 Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)  Wait for me.

 Okay, Dr. Cooper is on the verge of a breakthrough. If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be respectful and quiet. (Leslie leaves. Ramona looks pointedly at Leonard)  Wait for me. So have you worked out the neutrino issue? Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.

 Wait for me. So have you worked out the neutrino issue? Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.

 So have you worked out the neutrino issue? Well, to paraphrase Mozart, all the subatomic particles are there, I just have to put them in the right order.

 Why? What are they doing? You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist’s office with dolls. Hoo-boy. Dr. Cooper’s working.

 You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist’s office with dolls. Hoo-boy. Dr. Cooper’s working.

 Hoo-boy. Dr. Cooper’s working. Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming? Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.

 Dr. Cooper’s working. Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming? Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.

 Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming? Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies.

 Yeah, I can see that. Sheldon, Halo night, Koothrappali’s. You coming? Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies. You’re not going to Halo night. Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>

 Oh, yes, it’s Halo night. Let me just dry my tootsies. You’re not going to Halo night. Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>

 You’re not going to Halo night. Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i>

 You’re not going to Halo night. Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i> Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and He did.

 Yes, I am. It’s Wednesday. Wednesday’s Halo night.</i> Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and He did.

 Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and He did.

 Didn’t a great man once say, “Science demands nothing less than the fervent and He did. And who was that great man? Me. Sorry, Leonard.

 Me. Sorry, Leonard. Seriously? You’re not coming? You heard her. How can I argue with me? Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.

 Seriously? You’re not coming? You heard her. How can I argue with me? Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.

 You heard her. How can I argue with me? Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.

 Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is.

 You heard her. How can I argue with me? Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is. Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.

 Okay, well, once again, you guys have a good… whatever this is. Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.

 Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward.

 Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back. I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward. Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games. He does on Wednesdays.

 I prefer to think of it as I’m pulling them forward. Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games. He does on Wednesdays.

 Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games. He does on Wednesdays.

 Halo night? A man with your intellectual gifts doesn’t waste an evening playing video games. He does on Wednesdays. Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?

 He does on Wednesdays. Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?

 Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends?

 Not if he wants a Nobel Prize. He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends? What do you think? Drat.

 He does want that. Does a man with my intellectual gifts play paintball on weekends? What do you think? Drat.

 I suppose. Battlestar Galactica comes on tonight. (Pause) I guess I can wait for the DVD. (Pause) And then never ever watch it. To the sound of “You Can Be My Yoko Ono” by Barenaked Ladies  we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on.

 To the sound of “You Can Be My Yoko Ono” by Barenaked Ladies  we see 1. the guys set off for paintball while Sheldon, dressed in paintball gear, sadly waves them goodbye, 2. Ramona catch Sheldon hiding behind the shower curtain playing on a Nintendo DS, 3. Ramona remove a book Sheldon is reading to reveal a Batman comic underneath, 4. Sheldon escape the apartment in his paintball gear only to be chased back inside by Ramona returning with groceries, she finds him sitting in his underpants with his paintball helmet still on.

 Sheldon, honey, I’ve told you, it’s a small apartment, you only have to knock one time. Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her. Get rid of her how? I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

 Please, please, I don’t have a lot of time. Look, Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her. Get rid of her how? I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

 Get rid of her how? I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.

 I don’t know, but apparently I’m in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them. Excuse me? I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return. Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.

 Excuse me? I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return. Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.

 I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return. Okay, first of all, it is not man after man.

 I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return. Okay, first of all, it is not man after man. Dr. Cooper?! Hide me.

 Okay, first of all, it is not man after man. Dr. Cooper?! Hide me.

 Yeah, he’s a gift all right. Sisters? Um, sure, sisters. (Ramona leaves.) Holy crap on a cracker.

 Sisters? Um, sure, sisters. (Ramona leaves.) Holy crap on a cracker.

 Sheldon? (Pause, then more tapping) What are you doing?! It’s Morse code. Why? So we can communicate through the wall.

 Why? So we can communicate through the wall. We are communicating through the wall. Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.

 So we can communicate through the wall. We are communicating through the wall. Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.

 We are communicating through the wall. Yes, but the communication is not encrypted.

 We are communicating through the wall. Yes, but the communication is not encrypted. I don’t know Morse code. It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…

 Yes, but the communication is not encrypted. I don’t know Morse code. It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…

 I don’t know Morse code. It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C…

 I don’t know Morse code. It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C… Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning! All right.

 It’s very simple. This is A (knock knock) this is B (knock knock-knock-knock) this is C… Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning! All right.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning! All right.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to learn Morse code at three o’clock in the morning! All right. Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on? Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.

 All right. Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on? Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.

 Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on? Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch.

 Don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t come in here, don’t (Sheldon enters) Aw! What’s going on? Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch. I know. When is she going home? Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.

 Shh! Ramona’s sleeping on the couch. I know. When is she going home? Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.

 I know. When is she going home? Never, that’s the problem. I need your help.

 I know. When is she going home? Never, that’s the problem. I need your help. What are you talking about? I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.

 Never, that’s the problem. I need your help. What are you talking about? I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.

 What are you talking about? I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.

 What are you talking about? I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement. That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth. Come on! Don’t nitpick!

 I’m invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement. That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth. Come on! Don’t nitpick!

 That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth. Come on! Don’t nitpick!

 That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that’s taking over the Earth. Come on! Don’t nitpick! Good night. Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.

 Come on! Don’t nitpick! Good night. Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.

 Good night. Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause.

 Good night. Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause. The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod. Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.

 Shh. All right, I’m invoking our bodysnatchers clause. The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod. Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.

 The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod. Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here.

 The bodysnatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know who’s been replaced with an alien pod. Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here. Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed? Now! Do it!

 Yes. She’s in the living room. Go, I’ll wait here. Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed? Now! Do it!

 Sheldon, what are you doing out of bed? Now! Do it! You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on. Godzilla clause?

 Now! Do it! You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on. Godzilla clause?

 You know you need your sleep in order for your cognitive processing to perform at optimum levels. Now come on. Godzilla clause?

 It’s unbelievable! It’s paradigm-altering! And I could not have done it without you. Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement. It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?

 And I could not have done it without you. Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement. It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?

 Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement. It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you?

 Oh, please, I just offered a little encouragement. It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you? Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem? Who’s Nowitzki?

 It was a lot more than that. You helped me work out the masses of all the fermions, and you pumiced my hammer toe. How can I ever repay you? Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem? Who’s Nowitzki?

 Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem? Who’s Nowitzki?

 Well, would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem? Who’s Nowitzki? I’m Nowitzki. Oh, you want me to share credit?

 Excuse me, Dr. Cooper, I’m Kathy O’Brien. I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string-network condensates, and it just took my breath away. Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler. Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain? Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

 Maybe when I publish it, I’ll include an inhaler. Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain? Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

 Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain? Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives.

 Would you possibly have any time for me to pick your brain? Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives. Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address. What a nice girl.

 Let’s see, today’s Thursday. Thursday nights, I eat pizza from Giacomo’s. Sausage, mushrooms, light olives. Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address. What a nice girl.

 Great. I’ll bring it to your place. I have the address. What a nice girl.

 More Pad Thai, please. Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings. You might want to slow down a bit, buddy. Just one more bite.

 Sheldon, you’ve already had four servings. You might want to slow down a bit, buddy. Just one more bite.

 That isn’t Klingon, it’s Yiddish for meat-filled dumpling. Well, as it turns out, it’s also a Klingon word. Really? Define it. Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.

 Well, as it turns out, it’s also a Klingon word. Really? Define it. Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling.

 Really? Define it. Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling. Judge’s ruling? Bilurrrbe.

 Kreplach, A hearty Klingon… dumpling. Judge’s ruling? Bilurrrbe.

 Hey, guys, I need to use your TV. What’s wrong with your TV? I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static. Did you pay your cable bill?

 What’s wrong with your TV? I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static. Did you pay your cable bill?

 I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static. Did you pay your cable bill?

 I don’t know, it just died, I’m getting a bunch of static. Did you pay your cable bill? You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model. Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…

 Did you pay your cable bill? You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model. Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…

 You sound just like the cable company. All right, so, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off  America’s Next Top Model. Excuse me, Penny, but we’re…

 Excuse me, Penny, but we’re… No, no, don’t tell her. …playing Klingon Boggle. Aw!

 …playing Klingon Boggle. Aw! What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds? All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.

 Aw! What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds? All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.

 What do you mean, aw? Like she didn’t know we were nerds? All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please.

 All right, if you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please. Fine. All right, Boggle warriors, kapla’! Look at those women.

 Look at those women. They’re gorgeous. Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun. Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.

 They’re gorgeous. Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun. Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.

 Oh! Worf, nice! Too bad that’s a proper noun. Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.

 Oh, look, the’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence. It’s the future Mrs. Wolowitz.

 Wait a minute, you’re telling me that I’m within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels? Yeah, I guess. And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights? Hey, wh-where are you going?

 Yeah, I guess. And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights? Hey, wh-where are you going?

 And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights? Hey, wh-where are you going?

 There’s the house, freeze frame, freeze frame. What are you doing? Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels. Why?

 What are you doing? Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels. Why?

 Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels. Why?

 Marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find the house of the supermodels. Why? Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. Is my hamburger medium well?

 Why? Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. Is my hamburger medium well?

 Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. Is my hamburger medium well?

 Isn’t it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz. Is my hamburger medium well? Yes. Dill slices, not sweet?

 Giselle’s hanging by a thread. Oh, good, I hate her. Then you’re not invited to our wedding. Here you go.

 Oh, good, I hate her. Then you’re not invited to our wedding. Here you go.

 Then you’re not invited to our wedding. Here you go. Thank you. Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?

 Here you go. Thank you. Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?

 Thank you. Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?

 Thank you. Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again? Yes. You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.

 Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again? Yes. You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.

 Yes. You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting.

 Yes. You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting. Put it on the agenda. But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.

 You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting. Put it on the agenda. But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.

 Put it on the agenda. But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda.

 Sheldon’s onion ring. Just put it back! It’s one onion ring. Just put it back before he comes! No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.

 It’s one onion ring. Just put it back before he comes! No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.

 Just put it back before he comes! No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was.

 Just put it back before he comes! No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was. Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence. Who touched my…

 No, no, no,  no, I don’t think that’s where it was. Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence. Who touched my…

 Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence. Who touched my…

 Okay, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence. Who touched my… Penny! Penny did it. Why would you do that?

 Penny! Penny did it. Why would you do that? I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal? The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.

 Why would you do that? I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal? The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.

 I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal? The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.

 I don’t know. I was hungry? What’s the big deal? The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate. All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry. Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.

 The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate. All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry. Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.

 All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry. Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike.

 All right. Look, I didn’t know, I’m sorry. Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike. What? You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

 Well, I’m sorry, but that is your second strike. What? You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

 What? You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor.

 What? You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor. A sports metaphor? Yes, baseball.

 You have two strikes. Three strikes and you’re out. It’s a sports metaphor. A sports metaphor? Yes, baseball.

 A sports metaphor? Yes, baseball. All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike? March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.

 Yes, baseball. All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike? March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.

 All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike? March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour.

 All right, yeah, I’ll play along. What was my first strike? March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour. I did? The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?

 March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humour. I did? The photo of the cat who wants to “has cheezburger”?

 Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They’re cute and they can’t spell ’cause they’re cats. I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two. Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year. You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

 I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two. Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year. You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

 Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year. You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

 You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

 Don’t worry. They only stay on your record for a year. You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class. Come on, I touched one onion ring. And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

 You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class. Come on, I touched one onion ring. And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

 Come on, I touched one onion ring. And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

 Oh, honey, the buses don’t go where you live, do they? Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else. Congratulations. You’re officially one of us. One of us, one of us.

 Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you’ve become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else. Congratulations. You’re officially one of us. One of us, one of us.

 Congratulations. You’re officially one of us. One of us, one of us.

 Congratulations. You’re officially one of us. One of us, one of us. Well, what a thrill. You’re sitting in my spot.

 One of us, one of us. Well, what a thrill. You’re sitting in my spot.

 You’re sitting in my spot. Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me. Leonard, she’s in my spot. Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

 Oh, jeez, you’ve got to be kidding me. Leonard, she’s in my spot. Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

 Leonard, she’s in my spot. Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

 Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here’s the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him.

 When we find it, you want to go with us? To do what? Party with the pretty girls, dude! Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.

 To do what? Party with the pretty girls, dude! Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.

 Party with the pretty girls, dude! Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.

 Are you insane? You’re not going to party with them, you’re not even going to get anywhere near that place.

 Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America’s top models. And a large number of people will believe it never happened. Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard. Thank you.

 And a large number of people will believe it never happened. Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard. Thank you.

 Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard. Thank you.

 Okay, let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard. Thank you. Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up. Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 Thank you. Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up. Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up. Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.

 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover’s pizza, no meat. Coming right up. Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side. Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory. Why?

 Wait. Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side. Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory. Why?

 Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory. Why?

 Look, I like hanging out with you guys, but I’m not going to apologize for something I didn’t do. Well, actually, technically, you did do it. That’s strike one, Leonard.

 Well, actually, technically, you did do it. That’s strike one, Leonard.

 Thanks a lot, Howard. What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.

 What are you complaining about? I’m the one who has to take the class again.

 I know. Every Saturday at 8:15, easy to anticipate. What are you implying? I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.

 What are you implying? I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.

 I’m implying that you’re a creature of habit, and if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant. (Sheldon hurries away, disturbed) Knuckle under, my ass.

 Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you’ll know that laundry night is always Saturday night. Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken. Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.

 Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken. Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.

 Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. Yes? Where are my clothes? Your clothes?

 Where are my clothes? Your clothes? Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone. Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?

 Your clothes? Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone. Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?

 Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone. Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”?

 Yes, I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone. Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”? Sheldon, where are my clothes? You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?

 Really? Despite the sign that says “Do not leave laundry unattended”? Sheldon, where are my clothes? You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?

 Sheldon, where are my clothes? You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar?

 Sheldon, where are my clothes? You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar? How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!

 You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye. Do those look familiar? How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!

 How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!

 How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire? When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha! Get them down. Apologize.

 When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha! Get them down. Apologize.

 Get them down. Apologize. Never. Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

 Apologize. Never. Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

 Never. Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

 Never. Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata. Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives? I’ve done no stupid things.

 Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata. Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives? I’ve done no stupid things.

 Look, wait, Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, okay? I’ve done some stupid things, you’ve done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives? I’ve done no stupid things.

 Look, you’ve got to meet me halfway here. I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things. Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened? Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.

 I am meeting you halfway, I’m willing to concede that you’ve done some stupid things. Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened? Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.

 Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened? Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.

 Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on.

 Hey, you guys are talking again. Good. What happened? Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on. Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do? I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.

 Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well, now it’s junior rodeo on. Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do? I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.

 Oh, not junior rodeo. What did you do? I had no choice, Leonard, she ruined laundry night.

 Oh, pause it. That’s it. Confirmed. We now have the address of the top model house. God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark. Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy. You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.

 God bless you, Google Street View registered trademark. Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy. You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.

 Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy. You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.

 You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.

 Okay, for the record what you’re doing is really creepy. You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy. Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you. Who is it?

 You know what? If it’s creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy. Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you. Who is it?

 Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. I’ll get him. Sheldon, it’s for you. Who is it?

 Oh, good. Hi, Mom. How are you? But, Mom, she keeps sitting in my spot. And, and she touched my food. Okay, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it. No, that’s not fair. Why should I have to apologize? Yeah, I really don’t think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with. No, you’re right, I don’t really know what Jesus thinks about. All right, good-bye. Did you tell on me? Are you kidding me? I already have two strikes.

 Can I sit wherever I want? No, no, never mind, never mind, that’s, that’s not important. Sheldon, this was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Thank you. Good night, Sheldon. Penny.

 Oh look, Saturn 3 is on. I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better. How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3? Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.

 I don’t want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better. How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3? Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.

 How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3? Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better.

 Simple subtraction will tell you it’s six better. Compromise. Watch Babylon 5. In what sense is that a compromise? Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.

 Compromise. Watch Babylon 5. In what sense is that a compromise? Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.

 In what sense is that a compromise? Well, five is partway between three… Never mind.

 In what sense is that a compromise? Well, five is partway between three… Never mind. I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors? Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.

 Well, five is partway between three… Never mind. I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors? Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.

 I’ll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors? Ooh, I don’t think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock.

 Okay, I think I got it. (They prepare) Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh! Hello, boys. Ahoy, matey.

 Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh! Hello, boys. Ahoy, matey.

 Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster. Ow.

 I’m sorry, but I’m not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I’ve seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended. Well, I want to watch it now. Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment. Watch whatever you want.

 Well, I want to watch it now. Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment. Watch whatever you want.

 Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment. Watch whatever you want.

 Then I believe we’ve arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment. Watch whatever you want. I saw what you did there. What did I do?

 Watch whatever you want. I saw what you did there. What did I do?

 I saw what you did there. What did I do? Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there. What happened?

 What did I do? Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there. What happened?

 Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there. What happened?

 Hello. Hey, Howard. What’s wrong? Okay. Okay, we’ll be right there. What happened? Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5. Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.

 What happened? Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5. Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.

 Howard’s at the Mars Rover lab. He says he’s in trouble. Defcon 5. Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush.

 Defcon 5? Well, there’s no need to rush. What? Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis. How can 5 not be worse than 1?

 What? Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis. How can 5 not be worse than 1?

 Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis. How can 5 not be worse than 1?

 Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis. How can 5 not be worse than 1? Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I. Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.

 How can 5 not be worse than 1? Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I. Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.

 Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I. Okay, first of all, that’s a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.

 All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best? I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan. Oh, thank God, you’re here. What’s the emergency?

 I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan. Oh, thank God, you’re here. What’s the emergency?

 I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch. Where? On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars! Howard, is everything okay?

 Where? On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars! Howard, is everything okay?

 On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars! Howard, is everything okay?

 Yeah, baby, I’ll be right in. You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room? Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish. Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?

 You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room? Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish. Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?

 Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish. Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?

 Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She’s a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won’t care she’s not Jewish. Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked? No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?” So what exactly do you want us to do?

 Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked? No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?” So what exactly do you want us to do?

 No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, “How’d you like to visit a secret government facility?” So what exactly do you want us to do?

 Okay. I’ll call ya. Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard? No one’s a scientist like Howard.

 I’ll call ya. Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard? No one’s a scientist like Howard.

 Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard? No one’s a scientist like Howard.

 Anything? Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding. I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. Hang on, there’s got to be other options.

 Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding. I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. Hang on, there’s got to be other options.

 I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. Hang on, there’s got to be other options.

 I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. Hang on, there’s got to be other options. You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years. Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

 Hang on, there’s got to be other options. You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years. Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

 You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA’s latest timetable, they won’t get there for 35 years. Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

 Oh, snap. Snap what? OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B. What’s Plan B?

 Snap what? OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B. What’s Plan B?

 Howard, didn’t you say you worked on the Mars Rover? No, you’re mistaken. Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 No, you’re mistaken. Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 I don’t know what you’re talking about. Psst! Psst! Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private. No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

 Psst! Psst! Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private. No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

 Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private. No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

 No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.

 Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he’d like to talk to me in private. No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world. Well, that does sound like me, but no. Is there some problem?

 No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world. Well, that does sound like me, but no. Is there some problem?

 Well, that does sound like me, but no. Is there some problem? Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while. All right, goodbye.

 Is there some problem? Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while. All right, goodbye.

 Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while. All right, goodbye.

 Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while. All right, goodbye. No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know. Where are you going?

 All right, goodbye. No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know. Where are you going?

 No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know. Where are you going?

 No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don’t know. Where are you going? I can’t tell you that. Who would ask me?

 I can’t tell you that. Who would ask me? I can’t tell you that, either. So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?

 Who would ask me? I can’t tell you that, either. So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?

 I can’t tell you that, either. So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask?

 I can’t tell you that, either. So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask? Yeah, I really didn’t think this through. Leonard, a moment.

 So you brought me in here to inform me that you can’t tell me where you’re going and you can’t tell me who might ask? Yeah, I really didn’t think this through. Leonard, a moment.

 Yeah, I really didn’t think this through. Leonard, a moment. What? If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?

 Leonard, a moment. What? If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?

 What? If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say?

 What? If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say? I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office. Are you going to the office?

 If someone, and of course, we don’t know who this would be, does ask where you’ve gone, what should I say? I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office. Are you going to the office?

 I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office. Are you going to the office?

 I don’t know. Just tell them I went to the office. Are you going to the office? No. Then how can I say it convincingly?

 Are you going to the office? No. Then how can I say it convincingly?

 No. Then how can I say it convincingly? Just say, Leonard went to the office. All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.

 Then how can I say it convincingly? Just say, Leonard went to the office. All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.

 Just say, Leonard went to the office. All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office.

 Just say, Leonard went to the office. All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office. What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office. This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.

 All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office. What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office. This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.

 What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office. This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office.

 This would have worked out a lot better if you’d just told me you were going the office. I’m going to the office. See? Why don’t I believe you? I’m going out for a while.

 I’m going to the office. See? Why don’t I believe you? I’m going out for a while.

 See? Why don’t I believe you? I’m going out for a while. Okay. Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?

 I’m going out for a while. Okay. Doesn’t anyone want to know where he’s going?

 Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried… Oh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No, I understand… Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me.

 Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried… Oh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No, I understand… Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me.

 Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock. Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock. How do we decide that? Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!

 Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock. How do we decide that? Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh!

 Hey. Hi, Howard. Howard? Sheldon. Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

 Hi, Howard. Howard? Sheldon. Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

 Sheldon. Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.

 Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence. That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him? I don’t make the rules, Leonard. Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

 That’s just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him? I don’t make the rules, Leonard. Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

 I don’t make the rules, Leonard. Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

 Howard, come on, I didn’t plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

  Is this a bad time? Yeah, but I don’t see a better one on the horizon, so… Oh, if it isn’t Mrs. Dead to Me. Hello, Howard.

 Yeah, but I don’t see a better one on the horizon, so… Oh, if it isn’t Mrs. Dead to Me. Hello, Howard.

 The possibility of life on Mars has long fascinated scientists and laypersons alike. It’s unclear how the Mars Rover got into the crevice, but one thing’s certain, the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It’s a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we’ll never know who’s responsible. Son of a bitch.

 Hey, Sheldon. What is shaking? I’m sorry? It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?

 What is shaking? I’m sorry? It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?

 I’m sorry? It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?

 I’m sorry? It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team? What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out. I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?

 It’s colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team? What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out. I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?

 What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out. I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up?

 What’s wrong with you? you’re freaking me out. I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up? Please don’t do that. All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.

 I’m striking up a casual conversation with you. S’u’up? Please don’t do that. All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.

 Please don’t do that. All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.

 Please don’t do that. All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat. So, this wasn’t the awkward part? No.

 All right, But I’m given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it’s more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat. So, this wasn’t the awkward part? No.

 So, this wasn’t the awkward part? No. Oh, all right. S’u’up? Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?

 No. Oh, all right. S’u’up? Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?

 Oh, all right. S’u’up? Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component?

 Oh, all right. S’u’up? Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component? Okay, feeling the awkward now. Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.

 Oh, good, I used that right. Anyway, you’re aware that Leonard has entered into a new romantic relationship which includes a sexual component? Okay, feeling the awkward now. Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.

 Okay, feeling the awkward now. Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial.

 Okay, feeling the awkward now. Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial. Yeah, Leonard told me. Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.

 Her name is Dr. Stephanie Barnett and she is a highly distinguished surgical resident at Freemont Memorial. Yeah, Leonard told me. Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.

 Yeah, Leonard told me. Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me.

 Yeah, Leonard told me. Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me. To you? Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.

 Good. What he may have left out is how important this relationship is to me. To you? Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.

 To you? Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable.

 To you? Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable. Well, what about me? The statement stands for itself.

 Yes, see, of the handful of women Leonard’s been involved with, she’s the only one I have ever found tolerable. Well, what about me? The statement stands for itself.

 Well, what about me? The statement stands for itself. Well, aren’t you sweet? Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.

 The statement stands for itself. Well, aren’t you sweet? Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.

 Well, aren’t you sweet? Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival.

 Well, aren’t you sweet? Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival. Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe. You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

 Anyway, should you have any interaction with her, it would be most helpful that she not see you as a sexual rival. Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe. You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

 Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe. You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth.

 Yeah, I think she’s pretty safe. You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth. Really? Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

 You say that now, but consider the following scenario, you’re sitting in your apartment, it’s late, you’re alone, your hypothalamus is swimming in a soup of estrogen and progesterone and suddenly even Leonard seems like a viable sexual candidate, or a, uh, hookup as it’s referred to by today’s urban youth. Really? Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

 Really? Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.

 Really? Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido. I could think about you. Fine, whatever works.

 Yes. Now, should that happen, I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido. I could think about you. Fine, whatever works.

 I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us. I stand corrected. You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

 And you said there’d never be enough pasta for the three of us. I stand corrected. You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

 I stand corrected. You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

 I stand corrected. You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked. That’s very interesting. Thank you.

 You know, Italian housewives have a rule of thumb. A handful of dry pasta about an inch in diameter is sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked. That’s very interesting. Thank you.

 That’s very interesting. Thank you. She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice. Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

 Thank you. She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice. Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

 She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice. Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?

 She doesn’t mean it. She’s just being nice. Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime? No. Good. What’s your favourite fruit?

 Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I’ll just have to pick it up. Have you ever witnessed a violent crime? No. Good. What’s your favourite fruit?

 No. Good. What’s your favourite fruit? Ih-uh, strawberries. Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?

 Good. What’s your favourite fruit? Ih-uh, strawberries. Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?

 Ih-uh, strawberries. Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship?

 Ih-uh, strawberries. Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship? Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas. Really? That’s where I was born!

 Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right. Where did you do your medical internship? Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas. Really? That’s where I was born!

 Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas. Really? That’s where I was born!

 Uh, Lawrence Memorial in Galveston, Texas. Really? That’s where I was born! You’re kidding! I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

 Really? That’s where I was born! You’re kidding! I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

 You’re kidding! I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

 You’re kidding! I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter. Why, what-what-what happened? Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

 I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter. Why, what-what-what happened? Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

 Why, what-what-what happened? Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.

 Why, what-what-what happened? Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner. I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner? No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.

 Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner. I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner? No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.

 I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner? No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner.

 I’m sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner? No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner. Uh, Sheldon? Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.

 No, I didn’t try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister’s guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball’s chance in a cat scanner. Uh, Sheldon? Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.

 Uh, Sheldon? Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over.

 Uh, Sheldon? Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over. Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date? I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.

 Excuse me. When I come back, just for fun, the subject will be alternative history. Specifically, how would the civil war have gone differently if Lincoln had been a robot sent from the future? (To Leonard) Look at that, there’s even pasta left over. Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date? I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.

 Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date? I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down.

 Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date? I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down. Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down? To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.

 I do. Do you? Because frankly, you’ve been in a foul mood since I sat down. Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down? To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.

 Okay, here’s my question, why did you sit down? To help. Look, if you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.

 Oh, my god, what did you do? What do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket and then got the hell out of there! I have a bone to pick with you, sir. Oo-oo-oh!

 What do you think I did? I discreetly slipped off the other earring, put it in my pocket and then got the hell out of there! I have a bone to pick with you, sir. Oo-oo-oh!

 I have a bone to pick with you, sir. Oo-oo-oh! Hi, Sheldon. Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

 Oo-oo-oh! Hi, Sheldon. Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

 Hi, Sheldon. Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.

 Hi, Sheldon. Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation. What invitation? We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.

 Hi, Stephanie. I’m sorry I’m late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation. What invitation? We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.

 What invitation? We’re going to the movies. What movie? What theatre? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn’t have done a better job.

 What is he doing? He’s finding the acoustic sweet spot. Does he always do this? Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.

 He’s finding the acoustic sweet spot. Does he always do this? Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.

 Does he always do this? Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.

 Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this.

 Does he always do this? Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this. No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet. My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?

 Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone. I am really sorry about this. No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet. My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?

 No, it’s fine. you know, he’s sweet. My apologies, you’ve been sitting in it all along. Leonard, you want to slide over one?

 What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? Tell me what you see here. The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial? This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?

 Tell me what you see here. The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial? This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?

 The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial? This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?

 The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial? This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say? Stephanie Barnett is single. Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

 This is Stephanie’s facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say? Stephanie Barnett is single. Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

 Stephanie Barnett is single. Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

 Stephanie Barnett is single. Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you? It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks. You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.

 Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who’s Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you? It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks. You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.

 It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks. You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her.

 It’s just her facebook page and we’ve only been going out a couple of weeks. You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her. Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie. I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.

 You don’t see it, do you? We’re losing her. Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie. I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.

 Okay, I’m going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie. I’m afraid I can’t allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.

 General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation. Give me one good reason why not. Because this is not Star Trek

 What? This is banana bread. This is a door knob. It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.

 This is banana bread. This is a door knob. It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.

 This is a door knob. It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat.

 This is a door knob. It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat. Sheldon, would you like to come in? I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?

 It’s my understanding that an unsolicited gift of food can be a precursor to an impromptu invitation to come in and chat. Sheldon, would you like to come in? I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?

 Sheldon, would you like to come in? I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed?

 Sheldon, would you like to come in? I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed? No. How can you be sure?

 I suppose I could spare a few minutes. Were you robbed? No. How can you be sure?

 No. How can you be sure? Sheldon, what do you want? I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

 How can you be sure? Sheldon, what do you want? I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

 Sheldon, what do you want? I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

 Sheldon, what do you want? I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship. He’s having problems with Stephanie? She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

 I’m certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship. He’s having problems with Stephanie? She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

 He’s having problems with Stephanie? She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.

 He’s having problems with Stephanie? She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks. What? Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

 She’s sending virtual livestock to random men on the internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks. What? Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

 What? Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

 What? Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom. We never got to the bedroom. Because?

 Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I’m gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don’t worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom. We never got to the bedroom. Because?

 Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships. You told me you were going to have the talk with him. I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me. More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.

 You told me you were going to have the talk with him. I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me. More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.

 I’ve been waiting for someone to have the talk with me. More to the point, it’s about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.

 Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle. For which she awarded him the nickname “speed of light Leonard.” And a three hour dinner with Penny. Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.

 For which she awarded him the nickname “speed of light Leonard.” And a three hour dinner with Penny. Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.

 And a three hour dinner with Penny. Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.

 Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.

 Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down. Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes. Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection? Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

 Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes. Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection? Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

 Yes, I’m aware of the math, Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth, the issue remains, how do we circumvent his inevitable rejection? Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

 Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.

 Oh, thank you. May I come in? No. I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

 May I come in? No. I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

 No. I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.

 No. I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize. Well, thank you. So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?

 I see. Apparently my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize. Well, thank you. So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?

 Well, thank you. So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?

 Well, thank you. So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium? Yes. Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?

 So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium? Yes. Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?

 What? I’ve been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he’s being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I’m 14 days too early.

 Oh, hi Stephanie. Hi. Want some more wine? Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).

 Hi. Want some more wine? Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).

 Want some more wine? Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).

 Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise).

 Want some more wine? Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise). What are you doing? I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

 Yeah, I assume I’m not driving anywhere tonight. (Sheldon lets out a loud noise). What are you doing? I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

 What are you doing? I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

 What are you doing? I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied. Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m helping you with Stephanie.

 I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied. Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m helping you with Stephanie.

 Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m helping you with Stephanie.

 Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m helping you with Stephanie. By making constipated moose sounds? When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

 I’m helping you with Stephanie. By making constipated moose sounds? When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

 By making constipated moose sounds? When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

 By making constipated moose sounds? When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love. Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face? Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.

 When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love. Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face? Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.

 Huh? Would it work if I just punched you in the face? Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it.

 Yes, actually it would, but let’s see how the lid goes. I’m not strong enough, Leonard, you’ll have to do it. Oh, for god’s sakes. Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened. Do you want some help with that?

 Oh, for god’s sakes. Go ahead, it’s pre-loosened. Do you want some help with that?

 Do you want some help with that? No, no, no, I got it. No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.) Oh my god, are you okay?

 No, no, no, I got it. No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.) Oh my god, are you okay?

 No, yeah, yeah, he’s got it, and that’s not surprising. This is something I long ago came to peace with in my role as the beta male. Open it. (Leonard tries again. Then taps jar on counter. Jar breaks.) Oh my god, are you okay?

 Like a gladiator! Oh, honey, you’re going to need stitches. Stitches? With a needle? Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.

 Oh, honey, you’re going to need stitches. Stitches? With a needle? Well, yeah, I mean, just a few.

 Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec. (Throws up in sink) FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.

 Hey, how’s my big cry baby? I didn’t cry. Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed? Oh, are you still going to spend the night?

 I didn’t cry. Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed? Oh, are you still going to spend the night?

 Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed? Oh, are you still going to spend the night?

 Okay, I’m just teasing you. But, yeah, you did. Alright, it’s all good. what do you say we get you home and put you to bed? Oh, are you still going to spend the night? Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest. She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.

 Oh, are you still going to spend the night? Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest. She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.

 Uh, no, I think that you probably need to rest. She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated.

 She’s right, as long as you’re vomiting, coitus is contra-indicated. Thank you, Dr. Cooper. You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter. Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.

 Thank you, Dr. Cooper. You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter. Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.

 You’re welcome, Dr. Hofstadter. Okay, I’m going to go get your discharge papers.

 What? no. no, that’s not right. Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy. Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold. It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.

 Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert, way to look needy. Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold. It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.

 Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold. It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status.

 Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That’s bold. It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status. Well, then who did? I had no choice, he cried in front of her.

 It’s not bold, it’s a mistake. I didn’t change my status. Well, then who did? I had no choice, he cried in front of her.

 Well, then who did? I had no choice, he cried in front of her. You hacked my facebook account? Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

 I had no choice, he cried in front of her. You hacked my facebook account? Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

 You hacked my facebook account? Oh, it’s hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-el.

 In which I am not an expert. Don’t even! I don’t want to hear another word out of you. What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status. Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”

 Don’t even! I don’t want to hear another word out of you. What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status. Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”

 What’s wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well? (He points) Oh, wow. She just updated her facebook status. Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”

 Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.”

 Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstadter.” Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend. If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.

 Really? Oh, look at that, I have a girlfriend. If I am permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win.

 Well, you’re the doctor, but I am constantly hearing this annoying sound. Me, too. Is it a high-frequency whistle? No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.

 Me, too. Is it a high-frequency whistle? No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.

 Is it a high-frequency whistle? No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone.

 No, it’s more of a relentless, narcissistic drone. Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon. Then it must be a tumour. I Seriously doubt it.

 Yup, there’s no inflammation at all, Sheldon. Then it must be a tumour. I Seriously doubt it.

 I Seriously doubt it. Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies. Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church. Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed

 Maybe it’s a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies. Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church. Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed

 Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church. Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed

 Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed

 Is that possible? I used to get those all the time. Even in church. Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed Okay, I’ll be right in. It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

 Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there’s something I can do. Okay, circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot! I’m going to bed Okay, I’ll be right in. It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

 Okay, I’ll be right in. It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.

 Okay, I’ll be right in. It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot. Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments? How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

 It’s not enough that she mocks me, but that isn’t even the correct procedure for a cootie shot. Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments? How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

 Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments? How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so.

 Do you understand that Stephanie’s not here to treat your imaginary ailments? How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so. Good night. Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

 How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above Middle C? Is that imaginary? I don’t think so. Good night. Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

 Good night. Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting.

 Good night. Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting. No, you’re not. Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

 Leonard, there’s one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I’m calling an emergency meeting. No, you’re not. Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

 No, you’re not. Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.

 No, you’re not. Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie. Thank you. That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

 Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I’d like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie. Thank you. That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

 Thank you. That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

 Thank you. That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together. We’re not living together. I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

 That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon “cohabitation” rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together. We’re not living together. I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

 We’re not living together. I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights.

 We’re not living together. I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights. That’s absurd. You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.

 I beg to disagree. “A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights or B, more than nine nights in three week period or C: all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights. That’s absurd. You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.

 That’s absurd. You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H. Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers. Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

 You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H. Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers. Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

 Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers. Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that.

 Hmm, yes, you did. Now, to review the following provisions are hereby activated. In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf, the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal. Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells. Third,the bathroom schedule. Now, I’m given to understand women have different needs, so, we’ll have to discuss that. I’m going to bed. At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

 I’m going to bed. At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument. Sure it sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.

 It’s not a big deal. We have latex gloves. I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam. Hi, Sheldon. Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

 I don’t care what the symptoms are, my girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam. Hi, Sheldon. Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

 Hi, Sheldon. Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.

 Hi, Sheldon. Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night. Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that. I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

 Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night. Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that. I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

 Oh come on! Sheldon, we don’t ask questions like that. I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?

 I’m Penny, I live across the hall. I’ve heard a lot about you. Really? Mm-hmm. I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

 Really? Mm-hmm. I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

 Mm-hmm. I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

 I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?

 Mm-hmm. I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear? She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear! In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.

 I haven’t heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven’t I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear? She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear! In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.

 She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear! In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying.

 She’s heard about you because we’re, you know, involved and you haven’t heard about her because… I never slept with her, I swear! In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying. Thank you, Sheldon. You’re welcome, Leonard.

 In Leonard’s defence, it wasn’t for lack of trying. Thank you, Sheldon. You’re welcome, Leonard.

 Well, it was very nice meeting you. Nice to finally meet you, too.  And I’ll see you tonight? Okay, bye-bye.

 Nice to finally meet you, too.  And I’ll see you tonight? Okay, bye-bye.

 Bye. What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian? So, that’s Stephanie, huh? Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

 What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian? So, that’s Stephanie, huh? Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

 So, that’s Stephanie, huh? Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

 Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam?

 So, that’s Stephanie, huh? Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam? You know, she seems very nice. Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

 Why do I feel like I’m the one that just got the prostate exam? You know, she seems very nice. Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

 You know, she seems very nice. Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate.

 You know, she seems very nice. Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate. Roommate? You guys are living together? Like hippies.

 Oh, she is. She’s terrific, and she’s proving to be a valuable roommate. Roommate? You guys are living together? Like hippies.

 She was? Of course not. Look at her. I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

 Of course not. Look at her. I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

 I don’t care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk. Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff? My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

 Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk. Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff? My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

 Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff? My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.

 Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff? My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer. Thank you. Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?

 My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer. Thank you. Didn’t they teach you that in medical school?

 Thank you. Didn’t they teach you that in medical school? I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon. I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.

 Didn’t they teach you that in medical school? I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon. I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.

 I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon. I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.

 I’m kinda busy here, Sheldon. I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests. A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI? Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

 I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests. A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI? Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

 A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI? Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.

 You’re kidding, right? No, but that’s okay. I’ll go talk to her. Want to come with? Go! Wow.

 No, but that’s okay. I’ll go talk to her. Want to come with? Go! Wow.

 Oh, no. Wha?? You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it. I knew it! What do I do?

 Wha?? You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it. I knew it! What do I do?

 You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it. I knew it! What do I do?

 I don’t know. Kryptonian mustard. I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded. Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth. Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.

 I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded. Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth. Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.

 Or it turned into mustard Kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hotdog threatening Earth. Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.

 Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.

 Raj, please, let’s stay serious here. Superman’s body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian. Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains? Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth. Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.

 Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains? Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth. Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.

 Superman doesn’t sweat on Earth. Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.

 Okay, he’s invited for dinner in the Bottle City of Kandor. He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers. Now, before dinner, his host says, “who’s up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?” Superman says “sure,” works up a sweat, comes back to Earth, his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.

 Then how? Leonard. Now, Raj. Now, Sheldon. I didn’t get a good look. Can I go again? No.

 Leonard. Now, Raj. Now, Sheldon. I didn’t get a good look. Can I go again? No.

 I didn’t get a good look. Can I go again? No. It’s David Underhill. So what? So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.

 No. It’s David Underhill. So what? So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.

 It’s David Underhill. So what? So what? His observation of high-energy positrons has provided the first conclusive evidence for the existence of galactic dark matter.

 Okay. Bye-bye! What are you looking at?You’ve never seen a hypocrite before?

 Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the ninth frame with a career-best 68. Hey, guys! That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over! There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.

 Hey, guys! That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over! There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.

 That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over! There are no do-overs in Wii bowling.

 That doesn’t count. Do over! Do over! There are no do-overs in Wii bowling. There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?

 There are no do-overs in Wii bowling. There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?

 There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night?

 There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night? Actually, I was… It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.

 Where were you that’s more important than Wii bowling night? Actually, I was… It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.

 Actually, I was… It’s a rhetorical question. There is nothing more important than Wii bowling night.

 I was working with Dave Underhill. Ooh, “Dave.” Sounds like Leonard’s got a new BFF. Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band. So? We’re in a rock band.

 Ooh, “Dave.” Sounds like Leonard’s got a new BFF. Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band. So? We’re in a rock band.

 Actually, he’s pretty cool. I mean, not only is he a brilliant scientist, but it turns out he’s a Black Diamond skier, he collects vintage motorcycles, he plays in a rock band. So? We’re in a rock band.

 Nice motivational speech from our lead guitarist. He’s funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. What are you wearing? That’s not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I’m gonna go practice my situps. Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude. Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.

 He’s funny, too. He does this hysterical impersonation of Stephen Hawking having phone sex. What are you wearing? That’s not, he does it better. Anyway, he said he was gonna take me to the gym tomorrow, so I’m gonna go practice my situps. Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude. Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.

 Whoa. Humongous man crush, dude. Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance.

 Yep. It’s officially a bro-mance. Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree? No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia. Saturnalia?

 Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree? No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia. Saturnalia?

 No, because we don’t celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia. Saturnalia?

 Saturnalia? Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special. In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree. And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

 Gather round, kids, it’s time for Sheldon’s beloved Christmas special. In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree. And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

 In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree. And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

 In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree. And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about. Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree. Wait! You bought me a present?

 And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about. Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree. Wait! You bought me a present?

 Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree. Wait! You bought me a present?

 Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbour gifts, so I’ll just put them under my tree. Wait! You bought me a present? Uh-huh. Why would you do such a thing?

 Wait! You bought me a present? Uh-huh. Why would you do such a thing?

 Why would you do such a thing? I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas? Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

 I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s Christmas? Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

 Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

 Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

 Oh, Penny. I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift, you’ve given me an obligation. Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights. Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return. Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

 Don’t feel bad, Penny, it’s a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights. Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return. Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

 Now, honey, it’s okay.You don’t have to get me anything in return. Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

 Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. It’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present. No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps. I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.

 Okay, you know what? Forget it. I’m not giving you a present. No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps. I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.

 No, it’s too late. I see it. That elf sticker says to Sheldon. The die has been cast, the moving finger has writ, Hannibal has crossed the Alps. I know. It’s funny when it’s not happening to us.

 Really. I don’t know how you live next door to that without doing something about it. Actually, science is my lady. Okay. Let’s go. All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.

 Actually, science is my lady. Okay. Let’s go. All right. See you tomorrow, Leonard.

 You’re kidding. You’ve got lotions and bath oils and soaps, that’s the estrogen hat trick. What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan. Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear. I told you before, bears are terrifying.

 What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It’s as if my head were trapped in the pyjamas of a sultan. Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear. I told you before, bears are terrifying.

 Sheldon, if you don’t like this stuff, let’s just go next door and build her a bear. I told you before, bears are terrifying.

 I told you before, bears are terrifying. Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation. That presupposes Penny is tense. She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!

 Come on, bath stuff, it’s perfect! You got a scented candle, a cleansing buff, spearmint and green tea scented bath oil, promotes relaxation. That presupposes Penny is tense. She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!

 That presupposes Penny is tense. She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket!

 That presupposes Penny is tense. She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket! Excuse me, we’re ready. No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?

 She knows you. She’s tense. We all are. Buy a basket! Excuse me, we’re ready. No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?

 Excuse me, we’re ready. No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size?

 Excuse me, we’re ready. No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size? This one. Let’s go. You put no thought into that.

 No, we’re not. Let’s say for a moment that I accept the bath item gift hypothesis, I now lay the following conundrum at your feet, which size? This one. Let’s go. You put no thought into that.

 This one. Let’s go. You put no thought into that. I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go! I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?

 You put no thought into that. I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go! I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?

 I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go! I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss?

 I’m sorry. Uh, this one. Let’s go! I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss? Yes? If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

 I have insufficient data to proceed. Excuse me, miss? Yes? If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

 Yes? If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.

 Yeah, why not? You can’t do any worse than Leonard. That’s funny. By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.

 That’s funny. By the way, my leg is killing me. Thanks for asking.

 Yippee. You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Brilliant. It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.

 You see, the danger was that I might under or over-reciprocate, but I have devised a foolproof plan. See, I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Brilliant. It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.

 Brilliant. It is, isn’t it? Is it okay if I hide them in your room? The smell makes me nauseated.

 Merry Christmas. How’s your leg? Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in. Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.

 How’s your leg? Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in. Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.

 Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in. Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer.

 Very good, thanks for asking. Come on in. Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer. Okay, here. I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.

 Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer. Okay, here. I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.

 Okay, here. I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin.

 Okay, here. I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin. Turn it over. To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.

 I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin. Turn it over. To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.

 Turn it over. To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.

 Turn it over. To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

 To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

 Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

 Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?! Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it. Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

 I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?! Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it. Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

 Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it. Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

 Yeah, and I checked. Not letting the bike fall on you while standing still is lesson one. Oh, then, I think you’ll appreciate what I got you. Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids. You know, ’cause you’re so into science.

 Oh, then, I think you’ll appreciate what I got you. Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids. You know, ’cause you’re so into science.

 Okay. 101 Totally Cool Science Experiments for Kids. You know, ’cause you’re so into science.

 All right, enough chitchat, let’s destroy something. One, two, three, go. Okay. What shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte? Maybe we should start small.

 One, two, three, go. Okay. What shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte? Maybe we should start small.

 Okay. What shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte? Maybe we should start small.

 Maybe we should start small. Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball. Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water. Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.

 Okay. Ooh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what’s inside the Magic Eight Ball. Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water. Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.

 Did it when I was four. It’s an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water. Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.

 Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that. How about the toaster oven? What did the toaster oven ever do to you? What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.

 How about the toaster oven? What did the toaster oven ever do to you? What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.

 What did the toaster oven ever do to you? What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.

 What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade? He still punched me in the face with my own fists. Sorry, you little nerd, you were just in the wrong boys’ room at the wrong time.

 What the hell? Killer robot. We built it. Yeah, well, it almost killed me. If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.

 Killer robot. We built it. Yeah, well, it almost killed me. If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.

 Yeah, well, it almost killed me. If it wanted to kill you, you’d be dead.

 Please, Leonard, not now. Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. Our tango? The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot. I’m begging you, stop talking.

 Our tango? The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot. I’m begging you, stop talking.

 The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it’s still… hot. I’m begging you, stop talking.

 What’s going on? I don’t know, now they’re just yelling about Popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him. I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity. Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?

 I don’t know, now they’re just yelling about Popsicles. Sounds like Penny really got to him. I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity. Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?

 I’m not surprised. Despite his hard and crusty shell, Howard is a very sensitive man. Do you know he writes poetry? Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave, but he does it with real sensitivity. Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?

 Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot?

 Hey, Hofstadter. Word around the pwasma wab is you built a wobot? Yes, we did, Kripke. His name is Monte. Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.

 Yes, we did, Kripke. His name is Monte. Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.

 His name is Monte. Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.

 Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal.

 His name is Monte. Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal. Come on, is that really necessary? Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.

 Well, if you have any dewusions about entewing him against my wobot, the Kwipke Kwippler in the Southern California Wobot Fighting League Wound Wobin Invitational, aka the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., his name is gonna be Swrap Metal. Come on, is that really necessary? Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.

 Come on, is that really necessary? Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight.

 Come on, is that really necessary? Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight. Oh, snap. Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.

 Leonard, I believe it is. This is trash talk, and trash talk is a traditional component in all sporting events. Kripke, your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I’m given to understand that your mother is overweight. Oh, snap. Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.

 Oh, snap. Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.

 Oh, snap. Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment. What difference does it make? Fat is fat. There are boundaries.

 Now, of course, if that is the result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment. What difference does it make? Fat is fat. There are boundaries.

 What difference does it make? Fat is fat. There are boundaries.

 What difference does it make? Fat is fat. There are boundaries. Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto. What do you mean?

 There are boundaries. Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto. What do you mean?

 Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto. What do you mean?

 Tell you what, forget the S.C.aw.F.L.aw.aw.I., let’s settle this woboto a woboto. What do you mean? There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid. We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.

 What do you mean? There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid. We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.

 There’s no guawantee we’ve gotta go against each other in the Wound Wobin, so let’s thwow down. You know, unless you’re afwaid. We accept your challenge. Name a time and place.

 As you can see, the Kwippler is weducing the Chevy Cavawier to wubble. I can’t watch anymore. Sheldon, we have to call it off. We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.

 I can’t watch anymore. Sheldon, we have to call it off. We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.

 Sheldon, we have to call it off. We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight.

 Sheldon, we have to call it off. We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight. Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size. Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.

 We don’t have that option, we’ve accepted the challenge. We can’t run away from a fight. Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size. Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.

 Oh, please, we’ve spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size. Impressive as that may be, Monte is not us. Monte has no fear.

 Sheldon, did we all not just watch the same video? Kripke’s robot just had angry sex with a mid-sized automobile. You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared. You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself. Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?

 You are overlooking the fact that we now know what we’re up against and we can modify Monte so that he’s prepared. You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself. Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?

 You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself. Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?

 Excuse me, but how are we going to make any modifications without Wolowitz? Have you heard from Penny yet?

 Nice little bot you’ve got here. I’m aware. What’s this do, spin? Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.

 I’m aware. What’s this do, spin? Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.

 What’s this do, spin? Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber.

 What’s this do, spin? Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber. Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off. No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.

 Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber. Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off. No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.

 Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off. No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now.

 Neat. Good work. Sheldon, we’ve got to call this off. No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now. But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote. What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.

 No, Leonard. For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now. But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote. What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.

 But, Sheldon, we don’t have a chance. The only improvement you were able to make on the robot was to put fresh batteries in the remote. What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw, overconfidence from his robot’s massive size and its overwhelming power.

 Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke! I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met. What is his pwoblem? Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude. I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

 What is his pwoblem? Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude. I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

 Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude. I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

 I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply.

 Way to bust out the Jedi mind tricks, dude. I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply. Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules. He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.

 I just want to make sure that we’re all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply. Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules. He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.

 Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules. He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death.

 Are you cwazy? This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules. He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death. I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war. Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.

 He’s right, Leonard. The paradigm is to the death. I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war. Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.

 I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war. Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands.

 Never. I’d rather see Monte dead than in your hands. That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go? Do it. Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.

 That could be easily awanged. Weady, set, go? Do it. Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go.

 Come on, Sheldon, you got this. Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new. Run, Monte, run! Go, Monte! Go Monte!

 Indeed. We are prepared for anything he can throw at us. (A flame begins to jet out of Kripke’s robot.) That’s new. Run, Monte, run! Go, Monte! Go Monte!

 Go, Monte! Go Monte! Go, go, go, go! Don’t hurt us, don’t hurt us,

 Forget the robot. What happened to you? He slipped and fell. Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub. Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.

 He slipped and fell. Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub. Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.

 Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub. Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.

 Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect.

 Yes, I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub. Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect. Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed. So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?

 Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don’t treat them with respect. Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed. So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?

 Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed. So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right?

 Yeah. They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed. So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right? Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this. You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.

 So what do you think, Howard? It’s not that bad, right? Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this. You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.

 Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder. Are you insane? I’ve seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this. You’re right. Monte’s gone. We’ll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. I’ll speak. Leonard, you’ll play your cello.

 Penny. I know, I got it. Sheldon, I’m sorry. Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex.

 I know, I got it. Sheldon, I’m sorry. Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex.

 Well, don’t get the wrong idea. The way I see it, I’m halfway to pity sex.

 I’m not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now! Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralph’s. He was buying tequila. Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey. Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.

 Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralph’s. He was buying tequila. Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey. Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.

 Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey. Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.

 Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes.

 Oh, you’d think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey. Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes. Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca… Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

 Alright this is cruel, we better let him finish before his head explodes. Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca… Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

 Alright Sheldon, why is tapioca… Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

 Alright, please don’t cheer me up anymore. C’mon, don’t let him get to you. It’s Kripke. Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob. That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.

 C’mon, don’t let him get to you. It’s Kripke. Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob. That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.

 Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob. That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.

 That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table.

 Yeah, he’s a ginormous knob. That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table. Fo’ shizzle. Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.

 That’s why he eats by himself, instead of sitting here at the cool table. Fo’ shizzle. Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.

 Fo’ shizzle. Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe.

 Fo’ shizzle. Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe. Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends. Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!

 Hey it’s true, Kripke lacks the basic social skills that we take for granted, but he also controls the new open science grid computer that I need to use to run some simulations of structure formation in the early universe. Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends. Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!

 Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends. Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke!

 Good luck getting time on it. The only people he lets use it are his friends. Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke! Yeah? What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?

 Well then, the solution is simple. I shall befriend him. Kripke! Yeah? What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?

 Yeah? What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends?

 Yeah? What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends? I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend. Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?

 What’d you say of the idea of you and I becoming friends? I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend. Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?

 I would say, I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend. Really? That seems rather short sighted, coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikable. Why don’t you take some time to reconsider?

 Well, what about Howard and Raj, I mean how did you become friends with them? I don’t know, how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons. Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right? I suppose. I do miss whistling though.

 I don’t know, how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons. Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right? I suppose. I do miss whistling though.

 Well yeah, sure. When you put it that way. But it all worked out, right? I suppose. I do miss whistling though.

 I suppose. I do miss whistling though. Oh come on, really? (Leonard whistles) First warning.

 Hello Sheldon. Hi. What is this? It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

 Hi. What is this? It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

 What is this? It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

 What is this? It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me. Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out? Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

 It’s a questionnaire I devised. I’m having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I’m doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me. Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out? Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

 Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out? Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

 Yes. Well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out? Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do. Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing? I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.

 Yeah, I agree, the social sciences are largely hokum. But, short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do. Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing? I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.

 Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing? I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours.

 Okay, question 1. Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal. Intelligence. Ruthless attention to hygiene. Playfulness. Java applet writing? I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours. Wait! How many questions are on this thing? Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.

 I know, I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. You did an aspect of my most appealing trait, playfulness. Why don’t you just go ahead and write that number 1. I’m afraid you’re on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than 3 hours. Wait! How many questions are on this thing? Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.

 Wait! How many questions are on this thing? Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level.

 Wait! How many questions are on this thing? Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level. Thanks pal. You got it, buddy.

 Only 211. Don’t worry, in deference to you, I’ve kept them on a high school graduate reading level. Thanks pal. You got it, buddy.

 Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don’t know, pleasant? Well that’s certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay.

 I answered every question Sheldon. You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C. Aw, you picked up on that huh? How could I not?

 You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. A B B A C. A B B A C. Aw, you picked up on that huh? How could I not?

 Aw, you picked up on that huh? How could I not? Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank? There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.

 How could I not? Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank? There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.

 Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank? There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please.

 Come on! There’s over 200 questions. And look at some of these things. Sheldon is to camaraderie, as the space shuttle is to blank? There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please. Hold on. I put some real work into that! Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.

 There are a number of acceptable answers, for example, C: near earth transport, but certainly not B: avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I’d have better luck making friends if I wait ’til the Cylons take over? Please. Hold on. I put some real work into that! Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.

 Hold on. I put some real work into that! Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum.

 Hold on. I put some real work into that! Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum. It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

 Yes, well it’s better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be, a distended scrotum. It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

 It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

 It’s kinda cute, until you get to the scrotum. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me? Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon. I don’t see how you could.

 What hope do I have for establishing new relationships given that my current friends apparently cannot take a few hours out of their lives to help me? Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon. I don’t see how you could.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon. I don’t see how you could.

 Sheldon, I’m not going to defend a big-balled raccoon. I don’t see how you could. What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise. What do you mean!?

 I don’t see how you could. What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise. What do you mean!?

 What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise. What do you mean!?

 What I’m trying to say is that, maybe you can’t approach this as a purely intellectual exercise. What do you mean!? Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet? I did learn how to swim.

 What do you mean!? Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet? I did learn how to swim.

 Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet? I did learn how to swim.

 Well, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet? I did learn how to swim. On the floor. The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

 I did learn how to swim. On the floor. The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

 On the floor. The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

 On the floor. The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water. Then why learn how to swim? The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.

 The skills are transferrable. I just have no interest in going in the water. Then why learn how to swim? The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.

 Then why learn how to swim? The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists.

 Then why learn how to swim? The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists. No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives. That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.

 The ice caps are melting Leonard. In the future, swimming isn’t going to be optional. But you do bring up an interesting point. I don’t have to break new ground here, I’m sure much of the research already exists. No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives. That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.

 No! no, my point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum. Meet people. Talk to them. Take an interest in their lives. That’s insane on the face of it. Come on.

 You’re driving me to the mall. I’m going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking. Why don’t you just lie down on the floor and swim there?

 Thank you. Family or friend? Family. Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.

 Family or friend? Family. Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.

 Family. Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls.

 Family. Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls. Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel. Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?

 Too bad. If it’d been a friend, I’m available to fill the void. (Woman moves away) It’s just as well, she smelled like moth balls. Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel. Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?

 Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel. Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends?

 Okay, if you’re gonna start sniffing people, I’m gonna go get a hot pretzel. Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends? Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids. I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.

 Excuse me. Do you have any books about making friends? Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids. I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.

 Um, yeah but they’re all for little kids. I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.

 Uh, I guess. They’re right over there by the wooden train set. Oh! I love trains! I bet you do. Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?

 Oh! I love trains! I bet you do. Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?

 I bet you do. Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?

 Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree?

 I bet you do. Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t like birds, they scare me. Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?

 Oh my! That’s awfully sticky. Alright, let’s see. Bernie Bunny has Two Daddies Now. It’s probably about homosexual rabbits. Jerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus. Read it, not helpful. Oh! Here we go. Stu the Cockatoo is New at the Zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoos too. Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn’t you agree? I don’t like birds, they scare me. Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?

 I don’t like birds, they scare me. Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading?

 I don’t like birds, they scare me. Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading? Curious George. Oh I do like monkeys!

 Me too! Most people don’t see it. What are you reading? Curious George. Oh I do like monkeys!

 Oh I do like monkeys! Curious George is a monkey. Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that? Okay.

 Curious George is a monkey. Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that? Okay.

 Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that? Okay.

 Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that? Okay. Sheldon, what are you doing? I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?

 Okay. Sheldon, what are you doing? I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?

 Sheldon, what are you doing? I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name?

 Sheldon, what are you doing? I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name? Rebecca. Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.

 I’m making friends with this little girl. What’s your name? Rebecca. Hi Rebecca, I’m your new friend, Sheldon.

 Lysine. Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it. Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends. Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!

 Damn it. I had Lysine and changed it. Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends. Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!

 Oh good! You’re just in time. I believe I’ve isolated the algorithm for making friends. Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends!

 Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends! Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune. See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo. Stu the cockatoo?

 Hear him out. If he’s really on to something, we can open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune. See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo. Stu the cockatoo?

 See, my initial approach to Kripke, had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo, when he was new at the zoo. Stu the cockatoo?

 It’s a terrific book. I’ve distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process. Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you’re out of the apartment? Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours. Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.

 Have you thought about putting him in a crate while you’re out of the apartment? Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours. Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.

 Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours. Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop.

 Hello, Kripke. Yes, Sheldon Cooper here. It occurred to me you hadn’t returned any of my calls because I hadn’t offered any concrete suggestions for pursuing our friendship. Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together… I see. Well then perhaps you’d have time for a hot beverage. Popular choices include tea, coffee, cocoa… I see. No, no, no, wait. Don’t hang up yet. What about a recreational activity? I bet we share some common interests. Tell me an interest of yours. Really? On actual horses? Tell me another interest of yours. Oh no, I’m sorry, I have no desire to get in the water until I absolutely have to. Tell me another interest of yours. Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop. I can fix it. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.

 Uh-oh, he’s stuck in an infinite loop. I can fix it. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.

 I can fix it. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. It’s interesting. But isn’t ventriloquism, by definition, a solo activity? Yeah? Tell me another interest of yours. Hmmm. Is there any chance you like monkeys? What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys. Hang on, Kripke. (Checking changes Howard has made to his flowchart) A loop counter? And an escape to the least objectionable activity! Howard, that’s brilliant! I’m surprised you saw that.

 Gee. Why can’t Sheldon make friends? Alright Kripke, that last interest strikes me as the least objectionable and I would like to propose that we do that together. Tomorrow. Yes, I’ll pay. Alright, goodbye. Alright! Time to learn rock climbing.

 Nope, I wanna climb some wocks. This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons. You afwaid of heights, Cooper? Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?

 This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop. No, one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons. You afwaid of heights, Cooper? Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?

 You afwaid of heights, Cooper? Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship?

 You afwaid of heights, Cooper? Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship? Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this. Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.

 Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our new-found friendship? Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this. Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.

 Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this. Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud.

 Come on, they have birthday parties here. Wittle kids climb this. Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud. Let’s go, Cooper. Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.

 Little kid Hominids, perhaps. (To man who attaches him to ropes) Is this your entire job? Your parents must be so proud. Let’s go, Cooper. Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.

 Let’s go, Cooper. Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming.

 Let’s go, Cooper. Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming. Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top. I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.

 Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that’s to be expected. Hey, this isn’t so bad. A bit like vertical swimming. Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top. I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.

 Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top. I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.

 Hey, look at you, Cooper. You’re almost halfway to the top. I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.You alwight there, Cooper? Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

 I am? I was wrong. It IS a fear of heights.You alwight there, Cooper? Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

You alwight there, Cooper? Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote.

You alwight there, Cooper? Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote. Are you saying you’re stuck? What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

 Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that’s approaching an asymptote. Are you saying you’re stuck? What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

 Are you saying you’re stuck? What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

 Are you saying you’re stuck? What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand? Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going. Yeah, I don’t think I can.

 What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand? Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going. Yeah, I don’t think I can.

 Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going. Yeah, I don’t think I can.

 Understood all that. I’m not a mowon. Just keep going. Yeah, I don’t think I can. Well, then. Cwimb back down. No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.

 Yeah, I don’t think I can. Well, then. Cwimb back down. No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.

 Well, then. Cwimb back down. No, that doesn’t seem any more likely.

 Hello, everyone. I brought my new friend, Barry Kripke, home for dinner. Oh… Hewo to you, too. How was rock climbing?

 Want some Chinese food? Tewific. Got any dental fwoss? In the bathroom. Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.

 Tewific. Got any dental fwoss? In the bathroom. Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.

 In the bathroom. Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.

 Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese.

 In the bathroom. Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese. Sheldon, are you okay? Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

 Be right back. I gotta fwoss the Indian food out of my teeth if I’m gonna eat Chinese. Sheldon, are you okay? Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

 Sheldon, are you okay? Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

 Sheldon, are you okay? Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment. What’s that? Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.

 Oh yes, I pass out all the time. But, it was worth it. I’ve made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment. What’s that? Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.

 What’s that? Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go.

 What’s that? Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go. Me, me. Let it be me. Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.

 Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So, I’m going to have to let one of you go. Me, me. Let it be me. Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.

 Me, me. Let it be me. Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe.

 Me, me. Let it be me. Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe. Can I whistle? Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.

 Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation and you help me fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe. Can I whistle? Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.

 Can I whistle? Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays.

 Don’t be silly. Howard, you do not have a PhD, your cologne is an assault on the senses and you’re not available for video games during the Jewish high holidays. Guilty as charged. I’m out. No. You, too, are safe. Oh come on. What do I have to do?

 Guilty as charged. I’m out. No. You, too, are safe. Oh come on. What do I have to do?

 No. You, too, are safe. Oh come on. What do I have to do? Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just… Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?

 Oh come on. What do I have to do? Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just… Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?

 Okay. You know what? I see where this is going. I’m not one of you guys. I’m not a scientist. So just… Penny, Penny, Penny. Everything you’re saying is true, but please allow me to continue. Raj, you’re out. The good question, while you do provide a certain cultural diversity to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing. How could you, for a moment, think that my favourite amino acid is Glutamine?

 Eww. Hewo. How did I walk past you? I’m Bawy. Penny. Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.

 Hewo. How did I walk past you? I’m Bawy. Penny. Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.

 Penny. Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.

 Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers.

 Penny. Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers. Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh? So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.

 Yeah, it’s not a vewy hot name. I’m gonna call your Woxanne. Ooh, pot stickers. Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh? So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.

 Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh? So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer.

 Suddenly I’m looking pretty good, huh? So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer. No. No? But we’re friends!

 So uh, Kripke, I was wondering if there’s any chance you could get me some time on the open science grid computer. No. No? But we’re friends!

 No. No? But we’re friends! I’m sowy. No, my fwiend? I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?

 No? But we’re friends! I’m sowy. No, my fwiend? I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?

 I’m sowy. No, my fwiend? I’m confused. I was given an understanding that you allow your friends time on the machine?

 You gotta give him credit for sticking with it. I didn’t think he had it in him. He almost made it to the top this time.

 I didn’t think he had it in him. He almost made it to the top this time.

 Hmmm. The problem appears to be unsolvable. Maybe you could run some computer simulations. There are too many variables. It would take forever.

 The problem appears to be unsolvable. Maybe you could run some computer simulations. There are too many variables. It would take forever.

 Maybe you could run some computer simulations. There are too many variables. It would take forever.

 Maybe you could run some computer simulations. There are too many variables. It would take forever. We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45. Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.

 There are too many variables. It would take forever. We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45. Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.

 We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45. Right, these theatres have to be eliminated.

 We’ve got to be missing something. Let’s start again. The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40, here at 8:10 and here at 8:45. Right, these theatres have to be eliminated. Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound. Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

 Right, these theatres have to be eliminated. Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound. Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

 Why? They’re state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound. Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

 Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add. What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific. They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that. Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.

 What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific. They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that. Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.

 They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines. No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that. Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.

 Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre.

 Well, it’s gonna take at least an hour to eat, and I don’t see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theatre. We could eat after the movie. Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work. Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

 We could eat after the movie. Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work. Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

 Unacceptable, the delay would result in tomorrow morning’s bowel movement occurring at work. Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

 Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

 Hang on, hang on. There’s a 7-Eleven here. We smuggle Slurpies, which are essentially Icees, in under our coats, after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here. Wow. I don’t see how we missed that. Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees? That’s how we missed it.

 Wow. I don’t see how we missed that. Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees? That’s how we missed it.

 Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpies Icees? That’s how we missed it.

 Okay, I guess we only have one option. Yep, I don’t see any way around it. Bye, Sheldon. See ya.

 Ooh, ooh, shut the door, shut the door. Why? Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door. Well, you didn’t specify.

 Why? Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door. Well, you didn’t specify.

 Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door. Well, you didn’t specify.

 Just do it! (Penny runs in. Sheldon shuts door. Penny opens door again) Get inside and shut the door. Well, you didn’t specify. Is Leonard around? He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

 Well, you didn’t specify. Is Leonard around? He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

 Is Leonard around? He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

 Is Leonard around? He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed? The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent. Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

 He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I’m sorry, I don’t understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed? The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent. Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

 The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent. Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

 The building manager’s showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven’t paid my rent. Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation. It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down. If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.

 Oh, I see. Penny, I’m not sure I’m comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation. It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down. If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.

 It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down. If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago.

 It’s no big deal. I’m just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down. If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago. Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it. You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

 If you recall, I pointed out the “check engine” light to you several months ago. Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it. You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

 Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it. You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

 Well the “check engine” light is fine. It’s still blinking away. It’s the stupid engine that stopped working. It cost me like twelve hundred dollars to fix it. You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money. Yes, it occurs to me, too. Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.

 You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money. Yes, it occurs to me, too. Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.

 Yes, it occurs to me, too. Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can.

 Yes, it occurs to me, too. Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can. Wow, you got a lot of money in there. That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.

 Hang on a moment. (He opens a jar. Snakes jump out. He then pulls out a large wedge of money) Here. Take some. Pay me back when you can. Wow, you got a lot of money in there. That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.

 Wow, you got a lot of money in there. That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some.

 Wow, you got a lot of money in there. That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some. Don’t be silly. I’m never silly. Here.

 That’s why it’s guarded by snakes. Take some. Don’t be silly. I’m never silly. Here.

 Don’t be silly. I’m never silly. Here. No, I can’t. Don’t you need money?

 No, I can’t. Don’t you need money? Well, yeah, but… This is money I’m not using.

 Don’t you need money? Well, yeah, but… This is money I’m not using.

 Well, yeah, but… This is money I’m not using. But what if you need it? My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.

 This is money I’m not using. But what if you need it? My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.

 But what if you need it? My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some.

 But what if you need it? My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some. Really? I mean, are you sure? I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

 My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection. Take some. Really? I mean, are you sure? I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

 Really? I mean, are you sure? I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

 Really? I mean, are you sure? I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine. Are they working on that? I sincerely hope so.

 I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine. Are they working on that? I sincerely hope so.

 Are they working on that? I sincerely hope so. Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us. Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?

 I sincerely hope so. Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us. Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?

 Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can’t. Sheldon honey, I don’t want things to be weird between us. Won’t it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you’re living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?

 Of course you will. It’s impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality. I’m regretting this already.

 Interesting. Ask me why. Do I have to? Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.

 Ask me why. Do I have to? Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.

 Do I have to? Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward.

 Of course. That’s how you move a conversation forward. Why? The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched. Hey, Penny. How was work?

 Why? The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched. Hey, Penny. How was work?

 The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched. Hey, Penny. How was work?

 The learning opportunities would be abundant. Additionally, I like having my belly scratched. Hey, Penny. How was work? Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life. Was that sarcasm?

 Hey, Penny. How was work? Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life. Was that sarcasm?

 Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life. Was that sarcasm?

 Great. I hope I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life. Was that sarcasm? No. Was that sarcasm?

 Yes. Was that sarca.. Stop it! Penny, you appear to have a package here.

 Was that sarca.. Stop it! Penny, you appear to have a package here.

 Penny, you appear to have a package here. Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered. Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet. He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.

 Oh, thanks. This must be the beret I ordered. A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered. Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet. He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.

 Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women’s fashion adapted from male military uniforms? Another fascinating example is the epaulet. He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating.

 He’s not lying, he does find that fascinating. Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right? All right. Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?

 Okay, whatever. It’s not like I’m running up and down the streets just buying myself berets. I bought one, like, a month ago, and it was back-ordered, look, it finally arrived, all right? All right. Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?

 All right. Oh, my God, would you just get off my case? Weird. Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.

 Oh, my God, would you just get off my case? Weird. Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.

 Weird. Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure.

 Weird. Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure. Did you guys have an argument? No.

 Oh, good, that was an unusual interaction. I wasn’t sure. Did you guys have an argument? No.

 Yeah, Raj, what are you saying? ‘Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don’t rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about? He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy. Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.

 ‘Cause let me tell you something, buddy, I pay my own way in this world, okay? I don’t rely on anybody! (Raj runs out of the room) What was that about? He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy. Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.

 He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy. Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars.

 He has a nervous bladder when he’s stressed out. Kind of like a puppy. Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars. It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay. Oh, good. Dinner’s here.

 Here, Leonard, ten, eleven, twelve, uh, fourteen dollars. It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay. Oh, good. Dinner’s here.

 It was fourteen fifty, but it’s okay. Oh, good. Dinner’s here. Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food. Okay.

 Oh, good. Dinner’s here. Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food. Okay.

 Yes, dinner’s here, and I’m having some. I’m having takeout food. Okay.

 Oh, wait, you lent her money? She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more. Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills. Where are you going?

 She needed money. You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more. Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills. Where are you going?

 Oh, you know, you would just love that, wouldn’t you? Yeah. You would just love to open up your little snake can and throw some money at the girl who can’t pay her bills. Where are you going?

 Hey, do I mock you with the Bhagavad-Gita every time you scarf down a Whopper? Hey, what’s going on? We’re on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown. You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.

 Hey, what’s going on? We’re on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown. You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.

 We’re on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown. You want the Valley of Fire? It’s right here.

 Really? You’re just gonna let me go by myself? Oh, cool, I got a sword. I could use some help. Here.

 I could use some help. Here. You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out. Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

 Here. You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out. Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

 You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out. Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

 You guys are unbelievable, you play a game to simulate adventure, but when there’s real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out. Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants? I do. Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.

 Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants? I do. Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.

 I do. Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t.

 I do. Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t. I’m not afraid of him. All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.

 Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don’t. I’m not afraid of him. All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.

 I’m not afraid of him. All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us.

 I’m not afraid of him. All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us. Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him? They did.

 All right. Leonard fairly calls the question, who is in favour of abandoning our game and confronting Penny’s steroid-infused ex-boyfriend in a suicidal mission to extract money from him? Say hi to Kurt for us. Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him? They did.

 Excuse me. When Frodo left the Shire to take the one ring to Mordor, didn’t Samwise, Pippin and Merry go with him? They did.

 You guys suck. (Leaves. Comes back) Come on, please? He’s so big.

 Yeah? Hi, Kurt. Lenny, right? I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

 Hi, Kurt. Lenny, right? I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

 Lenny, right? I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

 I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

 Lenny, right? I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj. No. What do you want? You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?

 I don’t really go by Lenny, but that’s okay. Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj. No. What do you want? You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?

 No. What do you want? You don’t remember me? How could he not remember me?

 Feel is a kind of a… it’s a strong word. Um, I just think it would be a nice gesture on your part. She’ll get it when she gets it. Well, there you go. Problem solved. A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.

 She’ll get it when she gets it. Well, there you go. Problem solved. A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.

 Well, there you go. Problem solved. A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.

 A successful quest. Now let’s go find a gas station with a clean bathroom.

 Hey, is Sheldon here? Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon! Nice hat. It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.

 Yeah. Hang on. Sheldon! Nice hat. It’s kind of a fashionable look these days.

 Nice hat. It’s kind of a fashionable look these days. Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat. Hello, Penny.

 It’s kind of a fashionable look these days. Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat. Hello, Penny.

 Maybe if you’re working on a tuna boat. Hello, Penny. Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot. Sarcasm?

 Hello, Penny. Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot. Sarcasm?

 Sheldon, here is your money. Thank you very much. It helped a lot. Sarcasm?

 Really? Did he say why? Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right. That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany? Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.

 Yes, he said he was feeling guilty and wanted to do what was right. That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany? Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.

 That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany? Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.

 Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys.

 That’s it? Did he give any reason as to why he came to this moral epiphany? Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys. Bye. Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.

 Nope. I just think he’s really changed. We’re having dinner tomorrow night, and I get to wear my new beret. Bye, guys. Bye. Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.

 Bye. Well done, Leonard. The true hero doesn’t seek adulation, he fights for right and justice simply because it’s his nature.

 You found it. It’s the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower. I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation. What’s that about? Not a clue.

 I’m really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation. What’s that about? Not a clue.

 What’s that about? Not a clue. Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer? This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.

 Not a clue. Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer? This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.

 Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer? This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.

 Can’t we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer? This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller. No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it. He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

 This should be fairly easy to deduce. He’s holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he’s using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller. No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it. He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

 No, I didn’t realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there’s no other choice but to just go ahead and do it. He’s referring to an activity he has done before. It’s unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

 Yes. It’s cold. I’ll start again. I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

 It’s cold. I’ll start again. I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

 I’ll start again. I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

 I’ll start again. I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction. That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.

 I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction. That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.

  Oh, I don’t know where he would’ve gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction. That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.

 That seems a fairly efficient arrangement. Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading. Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life. Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

 Yes, we think so. We’ve both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading. Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life. Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

 Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life. Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

 Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

 Well, it’s all online or you can order it from the Princeton University Press. Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about? The frequency with which your parents had intercourse. Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

 Here’s your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about? The frequency with which your parents had intercourse. Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

 The frequency with which your parents had intercourse. Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

 Swell. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

 Oh, well, I’ve been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently. Maybe something less personal. Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died. Oh, my God. What happened?

 Maybe something less personal. Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died. Oh, my God. What happened?

 Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died. Oh, my God. What happened? His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate. What a remarkable woman.

 Oh, my God. What happened? His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate. What a remarkable woman.

 His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate. What a remarkable woman.

 His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate. What a remarkable woman. Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off. I envy you your childhood.

 What a remarkable woman. Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off. I envy you your childhood.

 Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off. I envy you your childhood.

 Yeah I, I thought you guys might hit it off. I envy you your childhood. I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd. You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.

 I envy you your childhood. I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd. You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.

 I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd. You’re clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I’m betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn’t eat your Brussels sprouts.

 Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon? Wow, you must be very proud. Why? They’re not my accomplishments. I have to urinate. Why are you doing this?

 Wow, you must be very proud. Why? They’re not my accomplishments. I have to urinate. Why are you doing this?

 Why? They’re not my accomplishments. I have to urinate. Why are you doing this?

 You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it. Nope, I think mocking you is more fun. Next time, don’t yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day? That was fast.

 Nope, I think mocking you is more fun. Next time, don’t yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day? That was fast.

 Next time, don’t yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day? That was fast.

 Say what? (Raj whispers in his ear) That’s basically what I just said. You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha. Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock? There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.

 You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha. Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock? There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.

 Leonard, it’s one o’clock, weren’t you going to show me your laboratory at one o’clock? There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.

 There’s no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.

 It’s not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week. I can’t believe you’re bringing that up. I didn’t bring it up. You did. We’ll talk about this later.

 I can’t believe you’re bringing that up. I didn’t bring it up. You did. We’ll talk about this later.

 You know what the saddest part was? What? My father used to borrow it.

 Your scan data will be very elpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain. I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures. Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it. I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.

 I know. Although I’ve always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures. Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it. I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.

 Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it. I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime.

 Common complaint among men. Nothing’s ever big enough, except when they get a tumour. Then you never hear the end of it. I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime. Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive. Oh, I can’t believe that.

 I’d love to see a scan of your brain sometime. Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive. Oh, I can’t believe that.

 Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive. Oh, I can’t believe that.

 Oh, I’ll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive. Oh, I can’t believe that. Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery. My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.

 Oh, I can’t believe that. Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery. My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.

 Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery. My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.

 Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery. My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits. Understandable. Can I make you a cup of tea?

 My apologies. I’ve been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits. Understandable. Can I make you a cup of tea?

 Understandable. Can I make you a cup of tea? I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you. I feel very comfortable around you.

 Can I make you a cup of tea? I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you. I feel very comfortable around you.

 I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you. I feel very comfortable around you.

 I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it’s probably you. I feel very comfortable around you. I feel very comfortable around you, too. It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.

 I feel very comfortable around you. I feel very comfortable around you, too. It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.

 I feel very comfortable around you, too. It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone.

 I feel very comfortable around you, too. It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone. Nor I. What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?

 It’s surprising because I generally don’t feel comfortable around, well, anyone. Nor I. What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?

 Nor I. What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?

 Neck, shot, lime. (Leonard starts licking her neck. He is there a long time) Okay, shot, lime. Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.

 Right. Ah! Where’s the lime? (Penny has the lime in her mouth) Oh, okay, we’re sharing.

 I’m very tempted. I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with my son’s roommate. Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together. True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband. I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.

 Normally, I’d feel the same way. But based on everything I’ve observed about us, I can’t help but speculate we’d be very good together. True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband. I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.

 True. I’ve had a similar observation. It’s certainly something I could never do with my husband. I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It’s quite satisfying.

 That was close. God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning. Yeah, still funny, Raj. There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.

 God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning. Yeah, still funny, Raj. There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.

 Yeah, still funny, Raj. There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.

 There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off.

 Yeah, still funny, Raj. There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off. But what about the creek bed? The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.

 There’s no way we can get to the ridge. The Chemistry Department has us completely cut off. But what about the creek bed? The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.

 But what about the creek bed? The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids.

 But what about the creek bed? The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids. Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed. I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.

 The Pharmacology Department controls that, and they’re all hopped up on experimental steroids. Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed. I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.

 Well, that’s it then, we’re doomed. I think the time has come to acknowledge that we are paying the price for some of us failing to attend my Physics Department paintball strategy meeting.

 We need a plan. How about Operation Hammer of the Gods? I forget. Which one is Hammer of the Gods? We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee. No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.

 I forget. Which one is Hammer of the Gods? We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee. No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.

 We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee. No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.

 No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory.

 We hide behind the Dumpsters in the parking lot and ambush people when they come to pee. No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory. No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky. All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.

 No go. The Dumpsters are deep in Astronomy Department territory. No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky. All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.

 No, that shouldn’t be a problem, Venus is up during the day. They’re probably just all staring at the sky. All right, what we need now is a tactical retreat. Did you see the episode of Stargate where they found themselves on a planet with a culture based loosely on Earth’s Athens and Sparta? Not important. Leonard, Raj and I are going to burst out the door and run away, Howard will cover us.

 Howard, why aren’t you covering us? We’re getting slaughtered out here! War is hell.

 That’s great, Leslie. Thanks. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Rawr. What was all that about? Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.

 You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Rawr. What was all that about? Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.

 What was all that about? Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.

 Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money.

 What was all that about? Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money. Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow! I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.

 Oh, uh, no big deal. They gave Leslie control of some unrestricted grant money. Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow! I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.

 Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow! I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action.

 Yeah, okay, but what’s with the back-scratching and the meow! I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action. Thank you. The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.

 I believe the back-scratching metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to the second party in compensation for a similar action. Thank you. The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.

 Thank you. The mrow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.

 Okay, I didn’t want to say anything ’cause I know you and Leslie have a little history. I don’t care about that. Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something. You and Leslie?

 I don’t care about that. Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something. You and Leslie?

 Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something. You and Leslie?

 Great, ’cause I’ve been dying to say something. You and Leslie? In the paintball shed! Twice! Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?

 You and Leslie? In the paintball shed! Twice! Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?

 In the paintball shed! Twice! Is that why you didn’t cover our escape and let us get cut down like animals?

 Okay, one way to look at this is that I’m getting new equipment, and you’re not, and that’s unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I’m getting sex and you’re not, and that’s delightful.

 The whole thing froze. I don’t know what happened. Calm down. We’ll figure it out. How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell. Hello, Penny.

 Calm down. We’ll figure it out. How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell. Hello, Penny.

 How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell. Hello, Penny.

 How can I calm down? I’m gonna lose my whole shopping cart. That’s three hours of picking out shoes just shot to hell. Hello, Penny. Hello, Sheldon. You’re in my spot.

 Hello, Sheldon. You’re in my spot. Are you planning on sitting here? No, I’m going to the comic book store.

 You’re in my spot. Are you planning on sitting here? No, I’m going to the comic book store.

 Are you planning on sitting here? No, I’m going to the comic book store.

 Are you planning on sitting here? No, I’m going to the comic book store. Then what difference does it make? What difference does it make?

 No, I’m going to the comic book store. Then what difference does it make? What difference does it make?

 Then what difference does it make? What difference does it make?

 Here we go. That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero. What? Don’t sit in his spot.

 That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be zero-zero-zero-zero. What? Don’t sit in his spot.

 It’s too small and too perfect. Thank you. You’re welcome. Shh! Act normal.

 You’re welcome. Shh! Act normal. Sheldon! How was the comic book store? Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.

 Shh! Act normal. Sheldon! How was the comic book store? Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.

 Sheldon! How was the comic book store? Fine. The new issue of Flash is out.

 Sheldon! How was the comic book store? Fine. The new issue of Flash is out. Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly. Koothrappali picked me up.

 Fine. The new issue of Flash is out. Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly. Koothrappali picked me up.

 Great, great. Did you walk the whole way? It’s a little chilly. Koothrappali picked me up.

 Isn’t that terrific? He is such a good friend. You know what the best thing about friends is? They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason. No, no, friends forgive the little things. You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.

 They don’t talk incessantly for no particular reason. No, no, friends forgive the little things. You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.

 No, no, friends forgive the little things. You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair.

 No, no, friends forgive the little things. You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair. Don’t you dare, missy. Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.

 You know, I gotta go home and wash my hair. Don’t you dare, missy. Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.

 Don’t you dare, missy. Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again? Something’s wrong.

 What do you mean? I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.

 I’m not sure. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.

 I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, that. Penny did that.

 Why don’t I just eat in my desk chair? Here we go. That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot. Wackadoodle.

 Here we go. That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot. Wackadoodle.

 That is my desk chair, that is where I work. I don’t eat in my desk chair and I don’t work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot. Wackadoodle.

 Wackadoodle. You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy. Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”? If it were your head, it would be.

 You know, there’s kind of an obvious solution here. (To Raj) Get up. (Raj does. Howard moves his cushion across to Sheldon’s spot) There. Problem solved. (Raj whispers to him) Nobody cares where you’re going to sit. You’re not crazy. Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”? If it were your head, it would be.

 Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”? If it were your head, it would be.

 Excuse me, but the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated, and we transplanted a dog’s head in its place, would that be “problem solved”? If it were your head, it would be. Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through. You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.

 If it were your head, it would be. Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through. You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.

 Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through. You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner.

 Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it’s only for a week. Can’t you be a little bit flexible? Yeah, sorry. I didn’t really think that through. You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner. Why not? Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.

 You claim it’s going to be a week, but I have no faith in your dry cleaner. Why not? Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.

 Why not? Did you notice the sign on his counter? He’s not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.

 No. No, not at all. You’re also arm candy. So? What do you think? Hey, Ma, you got to rent me a tux! Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?

 Hey, Ma, you got to rent me a tux! Right now? What kind of sex are you having up there?

 Why are you crouching there? This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch? I don’t know. Texas? Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.

 This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch? I don’t know. Texas? Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.

 I don’t know. Texas? Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.

 I don’t know. Texas? Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new. Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new. From that key maker, I highly doubt it.

 Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new. Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new. From that key maker, I highly doubt it.

 Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new. From that key maker, I highly doubt it.

 Really? Great. Sheldon, look. Good as new. From that key maker, I highly doubt it. Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try. All right.

 From that key maker, I highly doubt it. Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try. All right.

 Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try. All right. There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero. There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.

 All right. There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero. There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.

 There, nice and comfy cosy. Zero, zero, zero. There’s one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.

 Nope. What do you mean, nope? What’s wrong with it? Nothing, it’s what’s wrong with him. It’s exactly the same…

 What do you mean, nope? What’s wrong with it? Nothing, it’s what’s wrong with him. It’s exactly the same…

 Nothing, it’s what’s wrong with him. It’s exactly the same… Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news. More?

 It’s exactly the same… Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news. More?

 Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news. More?

 Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news. More? I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights? Yes. From Szechuan Palace.

 More? I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights? Yes. From Szechuan Palace.

 I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights? Yes. From Szechuan Palace.

 I’m afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you Monday nights? Yes. From Szechuan Palace. Szechuan Palace closed two years ago. What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?

 Yes. From Szechuan Palace. Szechuan Palace closed two years ago. What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?

 Szechuan Palace closed two years ago. What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from?

 Szechuan Palace closed two years ago. What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from? Golden Dragon. No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.

 What? Wh-Where did my cashew chicken come from? Golden Dragon. No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.

 Golden Dragon. No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.

 Golden Dragon. No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers. Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car. But. Oh, this changes everything.

 No. No, this isn’t right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers. Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car. But. Oh, this changes everything.

 Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car. But. Oh, this changes everything.

 But. Oh, this changes everything. I thought that might take his mind off the cushion. What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know? You did make that up, right?

 I thought that might take his mind off the cushion. What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know? You did make that up, right?

 What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know? You did make that up, right?

 What’s real? What isn’t? How can I know? You did make that up, right? Oh, God, I wish I had. Leonard?

 Okay, first of all, Penny, thank you for coming. Thanks for the shoes. Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week. What’s the plan?

 Thanks for the shoes. Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week. What’s the plan?

 Penny is an amazing shot. I think we have a real chance to win this week. What’s the plan?

 What’s the plan? Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight. Right, just one thing before we start. What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)

 Okay. Now, we all run out. Sheldon and I will cut to the left behind these trees. Raj, Howard and Leslie flank to the right behind the rocks. Then we’ll all have a great view as Penny runs out and kills everyone else in sight. Right, just one thing before we start. What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)

 Right, just one thing before we start. What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny)

 Right, just one thing before we start. What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny) What the hell? That was for my cushion.

 What is it, Sheldon? (Sheldon shoots Penny) What the hell? That was for my cushion.

 What the hell? That was for my cushion. Sheldon, Penny was our only hope. I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.

 That was for my cushion. Sheldon, Penny was our only hope. I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.

 Sheldon, Penny was our only hope. I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold.

 Sheldon, Penny was our only hope. I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold. Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon) She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.

 I’m sorry, Leonard. But revenge is a dish best served cold. Screw that. (Shoots Sheldon) She can’t shoot me. She’s dead.

 Here you go, Leonard. Is this going to be big enough? It’s perfect. For taking daffodils to your unicorn. It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.

 It’s perfect. For taking daffodils to your unicorn. It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.

 For taking daffodils to your unicorn. It’s just for my notebooks. Thanks, Penny.

 When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable cars. This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot. Oh, my God, the George Smoot? You’ve heard of him?

 This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot. Oh, my God, the George Smoot? You’ve heard of him?

 Oh, my God, the George Smoot? You’ve heard of him? Of course I haven’t. George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.

 You’ve heard of him? Of course I haven’t. George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.

 Of course I haven’t. George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.

 George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe. It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot. It’s like talking to a chimp. Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.

 It’s kind of a funny name, though, Smoot. It’s like talking to a chimp. Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.

 It’s like talking to a chimp. Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.

 Okay, now that I’ve been completely insulted, have a good flight.

 We’re not flying, we’re taking the train. Oh, cool. Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much. Well, then why are you doing it?

 Oh, cool. Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much. Well, then why are you doing it?

 Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying, and costs almost twice as much. Well, then why are you doing it?

 Well, then why are you doing it? Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train. Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!

 Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane, Sheldon voted for train, so we’re taking the train. Don’t say it like that, Leonard, say it like: we’re taking the train!

 Hey, we’re all going over to the Apple store to make fun of the guys at the Genius Bar. You want to come? Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy. What are you doing? I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.

 Oh, I always enjoy that, but I’m a little busy. What are you doing? I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.

 What are you doing? I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera.

 What are you doing? I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera. Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take? Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.

 I’m simplifying the task of packing for our trip. See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will enable my laptop to read and identify the items with this wand. I will then cross-reference them against destination, anticipated activity spectrum, weather conditions, duration of trip, et cetera. Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take? Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.

 Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take? Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation.

 Well, that does sound much simpler. How long is this going to take? Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation. Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now. I don’t follow.

 Assuming I can keep up this pace, three hours, 11 minutes, and plus however long it takes to conclude this fairly pointless conversation. Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now. I don’t follow.

 Wow. Teasing the guys at the Apple store seems a little redundant now. I don’t follow.

 I wouldn’t expect you to. I’ll see you later. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue. Socks, one pair, cotton, argyle, blue.

 What on earth are you doing? Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong. Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools. Come on, Raj.

 Whatever it is, I’m guessing we’re doing it wrong. Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools. Come on, Raj.

 Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools. Come on, Raj.

 Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you’ll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you’ll be treated to 350 miles of CostCos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools. Come on, Raj. What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes? No.

 What’s wrong with Jiffy Lubes? No. Why not? That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

 No. Why not? That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

 Why not? That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?

 That’s over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach? Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up. Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate. Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.

 Sheldon, we’ve been on this train 90 seconds, and you’ve already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up. Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate. Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.

 Here. I’m hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate. Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.

 Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position ’cause it’s time to land in San Francisco.

 Oh, look, now he’s boring on an international scale. Holy crap! Look! Is that who I think it is? It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?

 Holy crap! Look! Is that who I think it is? It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?

 Is that who I think it is? It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?

 Is that who I think it is? It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train? Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator. Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.

 It can’t be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train? Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator. Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.

 Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator. Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard.

 Maybe John Connor’s aboard and she’s protecting him from an evil Terminator. Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard. Thank you. Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!

 Unlikely. That’s a television show, Leonard. Thank you. Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!

 Thank you. Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that’s Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don’t kill me! I’m pro-robot! Ahh!

 Whee! Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I’ve actually got a shot at a Terminator. Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

 Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I’ve actually got a shot at a Terminator. Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

 Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

 You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.

 Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you’ve got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz. My money’s on tuck and roll. I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

 You’re overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she’s willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz. My money’s on tuck and roll. I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

 My money’s on tuck and roll. I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.

 My money’s on tuck and roll. I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle. Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works. All right.

 I’m confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle. Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works. All right.

 Well, you know the old saying, pasty and frail never fail. Excuse me, but what about me? Why don’t I get a shot? Fine, go ahead. Take a shot. You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.

 Excuse me, but what about me? Why don’t I get a shot? Fine, go ahead. Take a shot. You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.

 Fine, go ahead. Take a shot. You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.

 You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one.

 Fine, go ahead. Take a shot. You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one. Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol? Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…

 You know, I’ve already got a gorgeous blonde back home at I can’t score with. I think I’ll let you two take this one. Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol? Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…

 Sheldon, is there a place on this train to get alcohol? Interesting that you ask. The Coast Starlight recently added the refurbished Pacific Parlour Car. Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car, the lower level is a theatre…

 So aren’t you going to go talk to her? I will, I’m just working on my opening line. She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello? No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.

 I will, I’m just working on my opening line. She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello? No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.

 She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello? No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.

 No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature.

 She’s probably heard every possible line, Howard. Why don’t you just try hello? No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature. You’re going to need more than 11 hours. Oh, no.

 No, no, no, that always creeps girls out. I need to come up with something that’s funny, smart and delicately suggests that my sexual endowment is disproportionate to my physical stature. You’re going to need more than 11 hours. Oh, no.

 You’re going to need more than 11 hours. Oh, no. What’s the matter? I forgot my flash drive.

 What’s the matter? I forgot my flash drive. So? So we have to go back.

 So? So we have to go back. Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive. You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

 So we have to go back. Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive. You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

 Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive. You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

 Okay, Sheldon, I’m going to say why and your answer cannot be because I forgot my flash drive. You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference. Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot? It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.

 You don’t understand. My flash drive has my paper on astrophysical probes of M-theory effects in the early universe that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference. Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot? It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.

 Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot? It’s brilliant. He needs to read it.

 Why do you have to give your paper to George Smoot? It’s brilliant. He needs to read it. So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back. Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.

 It’s brilliant. He needs to read it. So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back. Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.

 So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back. Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it.

 So you’ll send him an e-mail when we get back. Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it. Right. Of course. Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.

 Then I won’t get to see his face light up as he reads it. Right. Of course. Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster.

 Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster. Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails. You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train) Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.

 Well, there’s nothing you can do about it, so relax, sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails. You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train) Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.

 You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train) Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.

 You forgot your flash drive, You forgot your flash drive (repeated over and over in time to the sound of the train) Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed? Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.

 Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go. It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed? Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.

 It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed? Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train.

 It’s hot in here. Must be Summer. (Walks towards her, then walks straight past. Returns, makes to talk to her, then turns to two nuns over the other side of the corridor) So, where you gals headed? Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train. I’ve got a better idea. Are you going to be sarcastic?

 Okay, I’ve found the perfect solution. We get off the train at the next stop in Oxnard. We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station. We take a cab back to the apartment, get my flash drive, and then race to San Luis Obispo, where, assuming the lights are with us and minimal traffic, we’ll meet the train. I’ve got a better idea. Are you going to be sarcastic?

 I’ve got a better idea. Are you going to be sarcastic? Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper? But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.

 Are you going to be sarcastic? Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper? But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.

 Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper? But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk.

 Boy, you take all the fun out of it for me.  But look, Penny’s home. Why don’t we just call her, have her go in the apartment, get your flash drive and e-mail you the paper? But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk. So? The key is hidden in my room.

 But the flash drive is in a locked drawer in my desk. So? The key is hidden in my room.

 So? The key is hidden in my room. So? Penny would have to go into my room.

 The key is hidden in my room. So? Penny would have to go into my room.

 So? Penny would have to go into my room. So? People don’t go in my room!

 Penny would have to go into my room. So? People don’t go in my room!

 Yeah, we’re putting the play on for one night in this little 99-seat theatre. Can you come? Oh, great. Do you know 98 other people that might want to come? Oh, hang on. (Switches to another line) Hello? Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter. Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello? Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?

 Listen carefully. I’m about to give you a set of instructions, which you must follow to the letter. Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello? Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?

 Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello? Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser?

 Just a sec. (Switches back to first line) The theatre is above a bowling alley, so it’s a little noisy, but it might be the only chance I’ll ever get to play Anne Frank. And the director is brilliant. He uses the bowling sounds as, like, Nazi artillery. Okay, great, I’ll see you then. (Switches line again) Hello? Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser? Your dresser? Who is this? It’s Sheldon.

 Okay, step four. Do you see that small plastic case on my dresser? Your dresser? Who is this? It’s Sheldon.

 Your dresser? Who is this? It’s Sheldon. Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco? I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?

 It’s Sheldon. Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco? I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?

 Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco? I’m not in San Francisco. I’m on a train. Were you even listening to me?

 Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what’s up? What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be… Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard. Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?

 What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be… Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard. Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?

 Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard. Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?

 Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It’s Leonard. Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle? He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour. Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.

 Hey, Leonard. What’s going on with Dr. Wackadoodle? He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour. Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.

 He’s calling to ask you a favour. You might be confused because he didn’t use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favour. Okay. Enough chitchat. Okay, step one, locate your emergency key to our apartment. Step two, enter our apartment. Step three, enter my bedroom.

 And that bright little star peeking her head out early today, that’s Venus. That is so cool. You really know a lot about space. Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space. You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?

 That is so cool. You really know a lot about space. Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space. You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?

 Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space. You’re not one of those guys who really believe that, are you?

 What? Look at it. Non-alcoholic beer. What’s going on? I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.

 Look at it. Non-alcoholic beer. What’s going on? I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.

 What’s going on? I don’t know. Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.

 What am I looking at? You tell me. Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off) Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.

 You tell me. Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off) Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.

 Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off) Hi, I’m the small package good things come in.

 Non-alcoholic bee-ee-eeuh (Runs off) Hi, I’m the small package good things come in. Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters. That’s the wrong box. Put it back.

 Hi, I’m the small package good things come in. Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters. That’s the wrong box. Put it back.

 Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters. That’s the wrong box. Put it back.

 Okay, I got a box, but there’s no key in here. Just letters. That’s the wrong box. Put it back. Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother? Don’t read those letters!

 That’s the wrong box. Put it back. Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother? Don’t read those letters!

 Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother? Don’t read those letters!

 Hey, Penny. It’s Leonard. Hey, Leonard. How’s the train ride? Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth. Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.

 Hey, Leonard. How’s the train ride? Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth. Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.

 Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth. Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.

 Delightful. Listen, I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but there are little bubbles forming on the corners of Sheldon’s mouth. Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on. Thank you. I’m back.

 Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on. Thank you. I’m back.

 I’ll give you a little clue. My favourite sandwich? Salami on pumpernickel. Is that so? And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin? No. I didn’t.

 Is that so? And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin? No. I didn’t.

 And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin? No. I didn’t.

 And did you know the word “pumpernickel” comes from the German words pumper and nickel, which loosely translates to fart goblin? No. I didn’t. Okay, I found the box. Now what? You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.

 No. I didn’t. Okay, I found the box. Now what? You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.

 Okay, I found the box. Now what? You’re holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the centre portion one millimetre to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimetres. You’ll hear a slight click.

 Fair enough. I’ll leave you in peace. Thank you. But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page? Sure.

 Thank you. But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page? Sure.

 But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page? Sure.

 Let’s find out. Leonard, ready? Ready. Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.) Damn it. I slipped.

 Ready. Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.) Damn it. I slipped.

 Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.) Damn it. I slipped.

 Go. (Leonard sprays an aerosol which lights up laser beams. He tries to negotiate the beams as Howard and Raj sing dramatic music. Eventually he touches one of the beams and a buzzer sounds.) Damn it. I slipped. Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up. Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.

 Damn it. I slipped. Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up. Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.

 Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up. Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.

 Too bad. You know the rules of Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Chess. Uh, Leonard died again, Sheldon. You’re up. Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit. Why? – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.

 Despite my deep love of chess, lasers and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit. Why? – Because it’s almost eleven o’clock.

 Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don’t want to see naked. You underestimate me.

 Hey, Sheldon. It’s eleven am. I know. You’re safe. This package came while you were at work.

 It’s eleven am. I know. You’re safe. This package came while you were at work.

 I know. You’re safe. This package came while you were at work. Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you. Excuse me.

 This package came while you were at work. Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you. Excuse me.

 Oh, great, my rhinestones. Thank you. Excuse me. What? You have to sign this.

 What? You have to sign this. What is it? When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.

 You have to sign this. What is it? When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.

 What is it? When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable.

 What is it? When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable. Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones. Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?

 When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I’m fully indemnified and no longer liable. Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones. Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?

 Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones. Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?

 Sheldon, it’s just a box of rhinestones. Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you? It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing. Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.

 Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you? It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing. Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.

 It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing. Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee.

 It means nothing to anybody. Come here, let me show you what I’m doing. Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business. Obviously, not a cleaning business.

 Bailment describes a relationship in common law where a physical possession of personal property, or chattels, is transferred from one person, the bailor, to another person, the bailee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business. Obviously, not a cleaning business.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business. Obviously, not a cleaning business.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look, look! I started a business. Obviously, not a cleaning business. No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156. Good for you. Sign here.

 Obviously, not a cleaning business. No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156. Good for you. Sign here.

 No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156. Good for you. Sign here.

 No, I’m making flower barrettes. See? I call them Penny Blossoms. I made one for myself, then all the girls at work wanted one. Then I showed some to this lady who runs a shop in Old Town. She sells cards and homemade jewellery. She said she wanted to sell them. I said okay, and in one week, I made a $156. Good for you. Sign here. Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore. But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?

 Good for you. Sign here. Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore. But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?

 Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore. But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?

 Sheldon, don’t you get it? If this takes off, I won’t have to be a waitress anymore. But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights? Another waitress. What’s her name?

 But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights? Another waitress. What’s her name?

 Another waitress. What’s her name? I don’t know. And you’re going to let her handle my food?

 What’s her name? I don’t know. And you’re going to let her handle my food?

 Nancy. Her name is Nancy. I think you’re just making that up. Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.

 I think you’re just making that up. Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry about your hamburger, okay? I just don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger. Fine, cheeseburger. Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.

 Cheeseburger. I get a cheeseburger. Fine, cheeseburger. Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy.

 Fine, cheeseburger. Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy. So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right? How many of these can you make a day?

 Maybe I’d be better off with Nancy. So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right? How many of these can you make a day?

 So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right? How many of these can you make a day?

 So, what do you think? I mean, this could be a business, right? How many of these can you make a day? About twenty. And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?

 How many of these can you make a day? About twenty. And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?

 About twenty. And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom?

 About twenty. And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom? I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure. No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.

 And how much profit do you make per Penny Blossom? I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure. No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.

 I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure. No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars.

 I don’t know, like, 50 cents. I’m not sure. No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars. That’s all? Before taxes.

 No, Of course you’re not. All right, ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is two thousand six hundred dollars. That’s all? Before taxes.

 That’s all? Before taxes. Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff. I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.

 Before taxes. Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff. I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.

 Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff. I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.

 Well, I don’t have to pay taxes on this stuff. I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business. And you know about that stuff? Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

 I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree. But, if you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business. And you know about that stuff? Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

 And you know about that stuff? Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.

 And you know about that stuff? Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains. Who’s Radiohead? I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.

 Penny, I’m a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains. Who’s Radiohead? I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.

 Who’s Radiohead? I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck.

 Who’s Radiohead? I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck. Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this? Of course I could.

 I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe. Good luck. Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this? Of course I could.

 Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this? Of course I could.

 Sheldon, hold on. Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this? Of course I could. Sheldon, wait! Will you? Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.

 Of course I could. Sheldon, wait! Will you? Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.

 Sheldon, wait! Will you? Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance.

 Sheldon, wait! Will you? Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance. Yes. And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?

 Just to be clear here, you’re asking for my assistance. Yes. And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?

 Yes. And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do?

 Yes. And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do? I understand. And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.

 And you understand that will involve me telling you what to do? I understand. And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.

 I understand. And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so.

 I understand. And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so. Okay. Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.

 And you’re not allowed to be sarcastic or snide to me while I’m doing so. Okay. Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.

 Okay. Good. Let’s begin with the premise that everything you’ve done up to this point is wrong.

 Oh, imagine that. Sarcasm. Good-bye. No, sorry. Wait! Please come back!

 There. Done. All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds. Pretty good, right? That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.

 All right. 12 minutes and 17 seconds. Pretty good, right? That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.

 Pretty good, right? That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day.

 Pretty good, right? That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day. A day? There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

 That’s 4.9 Penny Blossoms per hour. Based on your cost of materials and your wholesale selling price, you’ll effectively be paying yourself… $5.19 a day. A day? There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

 A day? There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you.

 A day? There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you. That just can’t be right. You’re questioning my math?

 There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who outearn you. That just can’t be right. You’re questioning my math?

 That just can’t be right. You’re questioning my math? No, sorry. Want me to show my work?

 You’re questioning my math? No, sorry. Want me to show my work?

 No, sorry. Want me to show my work? Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it. All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.

 Want me to show my work? Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it. All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.

 Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it. All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course.

 Oh, God, no, no. Just please tell me what to do about it. All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course. Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending. That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.

 All right, are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honoré Blanc’s 1778 use of interchangeable parts? The assembly line, of course. Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending. That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.

 Okay, you know what, if I’m not allowed to be snide, you’re not allowed to be condescending. That wasn’t a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now.

 What’s the matter? I think I bruised a testicle capturing that last pawn. Hello? Hello. (They resume singing and working) 

 I think I bruised a testicle capturing that last pawn. Hello? Hello. (They resume singing and working) 

 Hello. (They resume singing and working)  W-W-Wait, what’s going on? I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity. Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.

 W-W-Wait, what’s going on? I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity. Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.

 I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity. Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.

 Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes.

 I assume you’re referring to the sea shanty. It’s a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity. Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes. Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers. Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)

 Yeah, it’s crazy, but it totally works. Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under three minutes. Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers. Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)

 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers. Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.)

 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers. Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.) Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent? Hot glue.

 Penny’s making hair accessories. I’m helping her optimize her manufacturing process. All right, break’s over. (They start singing again.) Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent? Hot glue.

 Hold on. What are you using as a bonding agent? Hot glue. You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job. It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.

 Hot glue. You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job. It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.

 You’re kidding. Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job. It won’t work, the flower’s too porous.

 It won’t work, the flower’s too porous. What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface? Intriguing. Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?

 What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface? Intriguing. Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?

 Intriguing. Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?

 Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels?

 Good question, what are you marketing and distribution channels? Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town. Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start. Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

 Well, there are the waitresses at my work, and this cute, little shop in Old Town. Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start. Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

 Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush, virtually non-existent. I’m thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start. Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

 Why not eliminate the middle man? We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

 Where? It’s a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump. Ew. Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?

 It’s a common stripper problem. They dance, they sweat, they clump. Ew. Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?

 Ew. Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?

 Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate?

 Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulphate? Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work. Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve? Oh!

 Actually, I’m thinking about this one stripper named Vega. But sure, calcium sulphate could work. Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve? Oh!

 Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve? Oh!

 Let’s think out of the box for a moment. How about a molecular sieve? Oh! I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen. Wow.

 I’ve got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen. Wow. Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab. Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

 Wow. Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab. Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

 Hey, we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab. Oh, great. Raj, why don’t you and Howard go get the charcoal? Leonard, why don’t you start working on some preliminary Web site designs. I’ll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

 – What’s wrong with it? Not you. I wasn’t asking you. Penny? Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl. No, it doesn’t.

 Not you. I wasn’t asking you. Penny? Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl. No, it doesn’t.

 Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl. No, it doesn’t.

 Uh, well, it’s a little juvenile. I mean, it kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl. No, it doesn’t. Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators. Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

 No, it doesn’t. Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators. Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

 Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators. Penny, this is your enterprise, so it’s ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I’d strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

 We do? Uh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two. No kidding. Two? Uh-huh. Look at the comments.

 Uh-huh. Look. Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two. No kidding. Two? Uh-huh. Look at the comments.

 Uh-huh. Look at the comments. Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet. Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market. How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?

 Thank you, Penny Blossoms. These will be perfect to cover my bald spot. Aww, that is so sweet. Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market. How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?

 Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market. How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?

 Camouflaging bald spots. That’s primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market. How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men? We add Bluetooth! Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.

 How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men? We add Bluetooth! Brilliant. Men love Bluetooth.

 Wait a minute, wait a minute, you want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth? Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth. Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms. Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

 Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth. Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms. Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

 Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms. Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

 Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

 Holy crap. Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms. Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones? The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau. Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.

 Get out! Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones? The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau. Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.

 The Fifth Annual East Rutherford, New Jersey, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau. Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.

 Wait, wait, wait, why does it say one-day rush? Since when do we offer a one-day rush? Amazon offers one-day rush. Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day? Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.

 Amazon offers one-day rush. Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day? Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.

 Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day? Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design.

 Yeah, but they don’t have to glue the books together. How the hell are we going to make a thousand Penny Blossoms in one day? Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design. Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order. Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

 Don’t yell at me. I’m not manufacturing. I’m just Web design. Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order. Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

 Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order. Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

 Okay, well, I’m gonna have to call them and cancel the order. Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still. I just don’t see how see can pull this off. Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?

 Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still. I just don’t see how see can pull this off. Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?

 I just don’t see how see can pull this off. Okay, that, right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?

 Oh, stop with the fake third world crap. Your father’s a gynaecologist, and you had a house full of servants. We only had four servants. And two of them were children. How are we doing? We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.

 We only had four servants. And two of them were children. How are we doing? We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.

 How are we doing? We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship.

 How are we doing? We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship. Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway? I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.

 We have 128 assorted Penny Blossoms ready to ship. Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway? I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.

 Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway? I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor.

 Oh, God, we’re never gonna finish in time. Who made Sheldon the boss anyway? I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor. So? Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!

 I believe I’m hearing some negativity on the factory floor. So? Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!

 So? Penny, the labour force is a living organism that must be carefully nurtured. Any counterproductive grumbling must be skilfully headed off by management. Observe. Hey! Less talk, more work!

 Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Someone’s in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him) ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.

 Someone’s in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him) ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.

 Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him) ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store.

 Someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah… Sheldon? Sheldon! (nudges him) ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store. Honey, do you want some coffee? No, I don’t drink coffee.

 ‘Cause I sold my soul to the company store. Honey, do you want some coffee? No, I don’t drink coffee.

 No, I don’t drink coffee. Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time. I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs. Leonard, help.

 Come on, but if you don’t stay awake we’ll never finish in time. I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs. Leonard, help.

 I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs. Leonard, help.

 Leonard, help. Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make. I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night. Leonard?

 Sheldon, we still have 380 of these things to make. I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night. Leonard?

 I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night. Leonard?

 I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night. Leonard? Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail. You’re right, of course.

 Leonard? Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail. You’re right, of course.

 Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail. You’re right, of course.

 Leonard? Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail. You’re right, of course. Here, this will help.

 Yeah, no. But, Sheldon, without your insight and leadership this entire enterprise will surely fail. You’re right, of course. Here, this will help.

 Penny, although you may find it hard to believe, we do have lives. Leonard? Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey. Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?

 Leonard? Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey. Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?

 Sorry. My apologies to the gay community of East Rutherford, New Jersey. Zoom, zoom, zoom! Where’s the coffee?

 Sorry, guys, but Secret Agent Laser Obstacle Lunch is just stupid.

 All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today. Not with a thousand condoms, Howard. So, there is a number. Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?

 Not with a thousand condoms, Howard. So, there is a number. Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?

 So, there is a number. Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?

 Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?

 Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out? Shh-shh-shh! What? The people upstairs are moving out.

 The horror! Why would you just say something like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no… How else was I supposed to say it?

 Why would you just say something like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no… How else was I supposed to say it?

 No, no, no, no, no, no, no… How else was I supposed to say it? Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while. The horror!

 How else was I supposed to say it? Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while. The horror!

 Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while. The horror!

 Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You don’t just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while. The horror! Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.

 The horror! Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.

 Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not.

 Sheldon, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not. Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out? I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

 No, it’s not going to be fine, change is never fine. They say it is, but it’s not. Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out? I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

 Okay, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out? I never met them. That’s what made them perfect, there were no awkward hellos in the halls, there was no clickety-clacking of high heel shoes on hardwood floors, they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

 I’ll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can all spend some more time together, if you catch my drift. The horror!

 Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza? I’m sorry, that really is how it works. You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get? Raj, help me out here.

 I’m sorry, that really is how it works. You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get? Raj, help me out here.

 You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get? Raj, help me out here.

 Hey, Penny, it’s Leonard. Good news, you can take your head out of the oven. I guess I won’t be needing this.

 I’m checking for musical instruments. Does that sound like castanets to you? The box says kitchen. So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box? Hello?

 The box says kitchen. So? Do cocaine smugglers write cocaine on the box? Hello?

 Hello. I’m Alicia. I’m moving in upstairs. That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment. That’s nice.

 I’m Alicia. I’m moving in upstairs. That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment. That’s nice.

 That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment. That’s nice.

 That is so great. Oh, I’m Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment. That’s nice. Yeah, it is. If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.

 That’s nice. Yeah, it is. If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.

 Yeah, it is. If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.

 Yeah, it is. If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello. Hello. Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?

 If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello. Hello. Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?

 Hello. Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?

 Hello. Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline? Freakishly feline? Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.

 Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline? Freakishly feline? Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.

 Freakishly feline? Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one.

 Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We’ll come back to that one. Sheldon… Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer? No.

 Sheldon… Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer? No.

 Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer? No.

 Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer? No. You’re making her uncomfortable. Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?

 No. You’re making her uncomfortable. Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?

 You’re making her uncomfortable. Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?

 You’re making her uncomfortable. Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile? What?! I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.

 Oh, I’m sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you’re doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile? What?! I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.

 What?! I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.

 What?! I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility. I have no immediate plans. If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?

 I’m trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility. I have no immediate plans. If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?

 I have no immediate plans. If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?

 I have no immediate plans. If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con? Pro? Alicia?

 If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con? Pro? Alicia?

 Hey, Penny. this is Alicia, our new neighbour. Hi. Hi. I’m helping.

 I’m helping. I can see. Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her. Cool t-shirt.

 I can see. Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her. Cool t-shirt.

 Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her. Cool t-shirt.

 Alicia’s non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She’s still on probation, of course, but I like her. Cool t-shirt. Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging. You don’t jog.

 Cool t-shirt. Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging. You don’t jog.

 Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging. You don’t jog.

 Oh, yeah, I don’t usually dress like this. I’m going jogging. You don’t jog. I can start. True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.

 You don’t jog. I can start. True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.

 I can start. True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you’re out of clean clothes again.

 Oh, yeah, be careful. Thanks for the warning. Okay. I’ll see you around.

 See ya. I’m dressed like a slob today, too. Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I’ve been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. “It’s a trap. It’s a trap. It’s a trap.”

 Hey. Congratulations, I see you did your laundry. Well, sort of. How does one sort of…

 Congratulations, I see you did your laundry. Well, sort of. How does one sort of…

 Well, sort of. How does one sort of… I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around? He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.

 How does one sort of… I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around? He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.

 I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around? He’s upstairs at Alicia’s.

 I bought new clothes, okay? Is Leonard around? He’s upstairs at Alicia’s. Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there? In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

 He’s upstairs at Alicia’s. Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there? In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

 Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there? In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

 Oh. all right, that’s cool, no biggie. He said he’d help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there? In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo. Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical. It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.

 In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo. Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical. It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.

 Oh, they’re all up there, huh? Hmm, typical. It’s axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behaviour as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.

 Well, they’re all still up there. You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one. I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care. You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.

 You think I can’t hear them? Listen to that. Stomp, stomp, stomp. That’s Wolowitz in his stacked heels that fool no one. I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care. You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.

 I don’t even know why I care. I don’t care. All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke, but that’s all I care. You know, Penny, there’s something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.

 Gee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner. Yeah, what’s the occasion? No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

 Yeah, what’s the occasion? No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

 No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

 No, no occasion, just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps. Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded? Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded?

 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded? Yes. Even though the menu description specifies shredded?

 Yes. Brown rice, not white? Yes. You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?

 Brown rice, not white? Yes. You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?

 Yes. You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?

 Yes. You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard? Yes. Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?

 You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard? Yes. Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?

 I’ll run lines with you in the car. Great. And afterward, I’ll take you all out for Chinese. Oh, actually, that’s okay. we already have… Yum. Starving.

 Great. And afterward, I’ll take you all out for Chinese. Oh, actually, that’s okay. we already have… Yum. Starving.

 Oh, actually, that’s okay. we already have… Yum. Starving. …chinese food right here. They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.

 Yum. Starving. …chinese food right here. They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.

 …chinese food right here. They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you.

 …chinese food right here. They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you. I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV? You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

 They’re gone, Penny. They can’t hear you. I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV? You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

 I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV? You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

 I cannot believe they’re letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle’s house in Orange County to pick up her TV? You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend. Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn. May I interject something here?

 You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend. Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn. May I interject something here?

 Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I’m telling you, that girl is a user, iceskating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn. May I interject something here?

 Oh, I’m out of line? Yeah, you’re out of line. Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?

 Yeah, you’re out of line. Well, what are you going to do about it, bitch?

 You’re right, this filly’s been broken. You set it on DTS, didn’t you? I had to, she called me cutie. According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.

 You set it on DTS, didn’t you? I had to, she called me cutie. According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.

 I had to, she called me cutie. According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.

 According to Alicia’s facebook page, she’s hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.

 Well, dead whore on TV, live one in real life. Oh, great now she’s jumping up and down on the bed.

 Problem? This is Thai food. Here we go. We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.

 This is Thai food. Here we go. We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.

 Here we go. We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday.

 Here we go. We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday. Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday. Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 We don’t have Thai food on Thursday. We have pizza on Thursday. Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday. Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be Anything Can Happen Thursday. Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Well apparently the news didn’t reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of Anything Can Happen Thursday. Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately. Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra. I could go for some goat.

 Come on, the whole idea behind Anything Can Happen Thursday is to get out of this rut we’ve been in lately. Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra. I could go for some goat.

 Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra. I could go for some goat.

 Rut? I think you mean consistency. And if we’re going to abandon that, then why even call it Thursday? Let’s call it Quonko Day and divide it into 29 hours of 17 minutes apiece, and celebrate it by sacrificing a goat to the mighty god Ra. I could go for some goat. Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight. All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.

 I could go for some goat. Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight. All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.

 Sheldon, we agreed we’d do something different tonight. All right. Let’s go to the comic book store.

 Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon. So what are we going to do tonight? If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots. Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.

 So what are we going to do tonight? If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots. Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.

 If I may proffer a suggestion, in bars all across this great nation of ours, Thursday night is Ladies’ Night. Which means, as the evening progresses, we will get better looking courtesy of 99 cent margaritas and two-for-one Jell-O shots. Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.

 Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.

 Or we could finish eating and go to the comic book store. Also a good plan. Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar. Oh, absolutely.

 Also a good plan. Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar. Oh, absolutely.

 Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar. Oh, absolutely.

 Alright, but next Anything Can Happen Thursday, we’re definitely going to a bar. Oh, absolutely. You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you! Fascinating.

 Oh, absolutely. You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you! Fascinating.

 You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you! Fascinating.

 You heard that, Ladies’ Night ladies? We’re eventually coming for you! Fascinating. Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed? To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Fascinating. Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed? To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Oh hey, guys, where’re you headed? To the comic book store. You’re probably thinking, the comic book store? On a Thursday? Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness. What you have failed to take into account, Penny, is that this is Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 You got me. While you’re there, could pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday? I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages. Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday? Sure. What does he like?

 I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humour featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named funny pages. Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday? Sure. What does he like?

 Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday? Sure. What does he like?

 Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew’s birthday? Sure. What does he like? I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything. Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.

 Sure. What does he like? I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything. Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.

 I don’t know, he’s 13. Just pick out anything. Just pick out anything? Maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size, or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude, or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fibre requirements or his feelings about little marshmallows.

 Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man. Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099? Leonard? You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?

 Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099? Leonard? You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?

 Leonard? You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?

 You know this can go on all night, why don’t you just come with us?

 Oh, what a cute, little store. Everybody’s staring at me. Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew? A superb choice.

 Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew? A superb choice.

 Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew? A superb choice.

 Unlikely. Here, what about this one for my nephew? A superb choice. Oh, great. Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.

 A superb choice. Oh, great. Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.

 Oh, great. Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.

 No, no, no, I just meant for… yeah. Penny, just because people appreciate comic books doesn’t make them weirdos. Stuart’s a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode Island School of Design. What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants? Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.

 Penny, just because people appreciate comic books doesn’t make them weirdos. Stuart’s a terrific artist. He went to the Rhode Island School of Design. What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants? Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.

 What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants? Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.

 Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make.

 What about the guy over there in the superhero T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants? Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make. Let it go, Sheldon. Why should I let it go? I saw it first.

 Ah, yeah, that’s Captain Sweatpants. He doesn’t really help the point I’m trying to make. Let it go, Sheldon. Why should I let it go? I saw it first.

 Let it go, Sheldon. Why should I let it go? I saw it first. Yes, but I saw it from the front. A far less impressive feat.

 Why should I let it go? I saw it first. Yes, but I saw it from the front. A far less impressive feat.

 Yes, but I saw it from the front. A far less impressive feat. Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection. I need it for my Robin collection.

 A far less impressive feat. Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection. I need it for my Robin collection.

 Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection. I need it for my Robin collection.

 Oh, come on! I need this for my Batman collection. I need it for my Robin collection. Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.

 I need it for my Robin collection. Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? Why would I gamble? It’s mine. Let go. You let go. No, you!

 You let go. No, you! Problem? Yes, he won’t let go of my comic book.

 Yes, that’s you. That’s so sweet, but what if I didn’t like it? It’d still be you, but I’d feel like an idiot. I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.

 That’s so sweet, but what if I didn’t like it? It’d still be you, but I’d feel like an idiot. I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.

 It’d still be you, but I’d feel like an idiot. I don’t believe it. Stuart’s putting the moves on Penny.

 Guys, have you seen Stuart all up in Penny’s business over there? Nobody’s up in anybody’s business, let’s just buy our stuff and go. Okay, you’ve got my number, now, give me the picture. You drive a hard bargain, but here.

 Nobody’s up in anybody’s business, let’s just buy our stuff and go. Okay, you’ve got my number, now, give me the picture. You drive a hard bargain, but here.

 Okay, you’ve got my number, now, give me the picture. You drive a hard bargain, but here.

 All right. So, um, just give me a call. So, Leonard, how are you enjoying Anything Can Happen Thursday?

 Apparently so. Are you ill? No. All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?

 Are you ill? No. All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?

 No. All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?

 No. All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening? When did you pick up on that? A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?

 All right. Then is it fair to say that you’re experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening? When did you pick up on that? A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?

 When did you pick up on that? A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice?

 When did you pick up on that? A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice? Sure, why not? Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.

 A moment ago, when you turned off the TV in the middle of }during the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek The Original Series Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode. Would you like some advice? Sure, why not? Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.

 Sure, why not? Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.

 Sure, why not? Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section. Gee, thanks a lot. Would you rather I offer my personal insight?

 Then, this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section. Gee, thanks a lot. Would you rather I offer my personal insight?

 Gee, thanks a lot. Would you rather I offer my personal insight?

 Gee, thanks a lot. Would you rather I offer my personal insight? I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy. Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.

 Would you rather I offer my personal insight? I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy. Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.

 I don’t need any insights. I just want to know why Penny’s more interested in Stuart than me. We’re practically the same guy. Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed and, most significantly, he gets 45 percent off comic books.

 So what are you kids up to? Uh, Stuart has a piece in an art show that’s opening tonight. And you guys are going together, great… It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?

 Uh, Stuart has a piece in an art show that’s opening tonight. And you guys are going together, great… It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?

 And you guys are going together, great… It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?

 It is great. Really great. Freaking awesome. What are you guys doing?

 Oh come on. I think it’s nice that Captain Sweatpants showed up to your art opening. Yeah, it would have been nicer if he hadn’t touched all the cheese. Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something? Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?

 Yeah, it would have been nicer if he hadn’t touched all the cheese. Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something? Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?

 Um, you know, it’s kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something? Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it?

 Oh, gee, it’s a little late for coffee, isn’t it? Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf. Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment? Uh, yeah, I guess.

 Oh, you think coffee, means coffee, that is so sweet. Come on, I think I have decaf. Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment? Uh, yeah, I guess.

 Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment? Uh, yeah, I guess.

 Oh, good, Stuart, I thought I heard your voice. Do you have a moment? Uh, yeah, I guess. Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so… What are you doing?

 Uh, yeah, I guess. Sheldon, we’re a little busy here, so… What are you doing?

 We’re having coffee. Isn’t it a little late for coffee? It’s okay. She thinks she has decaf. I’ll just go look for it.

 Isn’t it a little late for coffee? It’s okay. She thinks she has decaf. I’ll just go look for it.

 It’s okay. She thinks she has decaf. I’ll just go look for it. What’s up? Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.

 I’ll just go look for it. What’s up? Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.

 What’s up? Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.

 What’s up? Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help. Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic? I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.

 Well, I’ve spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help. Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic? I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.

 Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic? I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.

 Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What’s the topic? I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl. Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong. More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

 I am asserting, in the event that Batman’s death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl. Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong. More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

 Ooh, Sheldon, I’m afraid you couldn’t be more wrong. More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

 More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation. Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd. Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative. I found the decaf!

 Of course it is. It’s a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it’s very wrong to say it’s a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd. Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative. I found the decaf!

 Has to be? Has to be? I hope you’re being deliberately provocative. I found the decaf!

 Depends. Are you willing to sit on my lap and pretend to be a ventriloquist dummy? No. I can’t sit on your lap, you don’t know the routine.

 I’m sorry, but you’re obviously stuck in a pre-Zero Hour DC universe. Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être. Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right. Au contraire.

 Of course I am. Removing Joe Chill as the killer of Batman’s parents effectively deprived him of his raison d’être. Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right. Au contraire.

 Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right. Au contraire.

 Okay, you can throw all the French around you want, it doesn’t make you right. Au contraire. Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology. I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.

 Au contraire. Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology. I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.

 Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology. I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone.

 Plus, you’re forgetting that the Infinite Crisis storyline restored Joe Chill to the Batman mythology. I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone. Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep. So, I win.

 I am forgetting nothing and I resent your tone. Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep. So, I win.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep. So, I win.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, it’s late and I’ve got to get some sleep. So, I win. No, I’m tired. So, I win.

 Yes C3PO. You got it. That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.

 C3PO. You got it. That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.

 You got it. That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it.

 You got it. That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it. Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now. What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?

 That’s preposterous. I do not resemble C3PO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered, I just don’t see it. Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now. What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?

 Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now. What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance?

 Leslie Winkle. You’ve reached friends with benefits. For a booty call, press one now. What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance? No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.

 What exactly does that expression mean, friends with benefits? Does he provide her with health insurance? No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.

 No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that.

 No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that. Alright, back to the game. I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.

 I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any of that. Alright, back to the game. I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.

 Alright, back to the game. I believe it’s my turn, you may begin your questions whenever you’re ready.

 No, it was something else. Why does everything have to be about sex with you? Come on. Who’s turn is it? We were up to you. Great, just start. Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?

 We were up to you. Great, just start. Okay, let’s see. Are you from a TV series?

 She dumped me! I bet he’s someone from Babylon 5, we’re never going to guess.

 I don’t understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having  what appears be an emotional response? Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her. Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake! Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?

 Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her. Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake! Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?

 Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God’s sake! Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?

 Okay, uh look, you just need to get your mind off it. Do you want to go to the comic book store? Maybe go see a movie?

 What do you say, Howard? I say Vegas baby! What are you going to tell your mother? Sea World, baby!

 I say Vegas baby! What are you going to tell your mother? Sea World, baby!

 I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal. Great, we’ll bring you back a tee-shirt.

 Hello, Sheldon. And how are you doing this fine evening? Great. Good. I’m glad.

 And how are you doing this fine evening? Great. Good. I’m glad.

 Great. Good. I’m glad. Really? Are you drunk? I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

 Good. I’m glad. Really? Are you drunk? I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

 Really? Are you drunk? I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.

 Really? Are you drunk? I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude. That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right? Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

 I’m just in a good mood. While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude. That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right? Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

 That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right? Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

 That’s Superman’s big ice thing, right? Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today. Mmm, what smells so good? That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.

 Do you know, I’m such a good mood, I’m actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today. Mmm, what smells so good? That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.

 Mmm, what smells so good? That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.

 Mmm, what smells so good? That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes. Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening. Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

 That is the intoxicating aroma of Kadhai Paneer, a perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts, which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97 pound blister. And finally, it’s main ingredient is Paneer, a farmer’s cheese which would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes. Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening. Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

 Yum. Well, enjoy your big evening. Penny. I realize you are also on your own tonight, so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

 Oh, we should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky. Okay, uh, if I get lucky I’ll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I’ll sleep on the moon. Sounds like a plan.

 Okay, uh, if I get lucky I’ll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and if you get lucky, I’ll sleep on the moon. Sounds like a plan.

 Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere. We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl. So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place. I left them in the bowl.

 We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl. So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place. I left them in the bowl.

 So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place. I left them in the bowl.

 So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place. I left them in the bowl. Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is. Where?

 I left them in the bowl. Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is. Where?

 Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is. Where? In your apartment. What’s it doing in my apartment?

 In your apartment. What’s it doing in my apartment? Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there. You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?

 What’s it doing in my apartment? Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there. You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?

 Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there. You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?

 Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there. You were in my… why would you… what are you saying? It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk. You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

 You were in my… why would you… what are you saying? It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk. You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

 It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk. You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

 It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk. You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter. Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting. Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

 You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter. Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting. Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

 Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager, he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting. Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

 “I’m so lonely and horny I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all.” Suppose it wouldn’t hurt to get an estimate.

 Yes, yeah, exactly, the girlfriend experience. Uh, actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.

 Uh, actually, if it’s not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.

 Oh, God, I don’t know Sheldon, are you Star Wars? How can one person be a whole movie? Okay, I give up, can we just do something else? Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.

 How can one person be a whole movie? Okay, I give up, can we just do something else? Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.

 Okay, I give up, can we just do something else? Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits.

 Okay, I give up, can we just do something else? Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits. What? Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?

 Fine. I was Spock. Are you and Leonard friends with benefits. What? Are you and Leonard friends with benefits?

 What? Are you and Leonard friends with benefits? Where did that even come from, did he say we were? No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.

 Are you and Leonard friends with benefits? Where did that even come from, did he say we were? No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.

 Where did that even come from, did he say we were? No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered.

 Where did that even come from, did he say we were? No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered. No, just mail, no benefits. Hmm, I see.

 No, Leonard said nothing, but who knows what goes on over here when he pretends your mail was misdelivered. No, just mail, no benefits. Hmm, I see.

 No, just mail, no benefits. Hmm, I see. Why are you asking? I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

 Hmm, I see. Why are you asking? I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

 Why are you asking? I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

 Why are you asking? I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl. Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship. Can you?

 I’m curious about the whole social construct. On its face, the idea of satisfying ones sexual appetite, assuming one is afflicted with such, without emotional entanglement, that seems eminently practical. What I’ve observed, however, is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl. Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship. Can you?

 Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship. Can you?

 Well, some people just can’t handle that kind of relationship. Can you? Excuse me? Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?

 Can you? Excuse me? Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?

 Excuse me? Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment?

 Excuse me? Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment? Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you. Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?

 Are you able to have sex with men without developing an emotional attachment? Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you. Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?

 Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you. Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?

 Sheldon, I really don’t want to talk about this with you. Is this conversation making you uncomfortable? Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell? I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…

 Is this conversation making you uncomfortable? Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell? I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…

 Of course it’s making me uncomfortable, can’t you tell? I really have no idea. I don’t particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body language…

 Boy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket? Hi there, Howard Wolowitz. Esther Rosenblatt.

 I don’t think the manager’s coming tonight so, here. Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch. Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with. I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.

 Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch. Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with. I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.

 Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with. I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall.

 Well, it wasn’t the first suggestion that came to mind, but it’s the one I’m going with. I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall. What? There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

 I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book , The Tall Man From Cornwall. What? There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

 What? There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

 What? There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head. Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours. May I say one last thing.

 There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head. Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours. May I say one last thing.

 Oh, alright. I will give you my bed on one condition. That you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours. May I say one last thing.

 What? I can’t sleep. how are you going? Maybe that’s because your hole is still open. I’m homesick.

 I can’t sleep. how are you going? Maybe that’s because your hole is still open. I’m homesick.

 Maybe that’s because your hole is still open. I’m homesick. Your home is twenty feet from here. Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.

 I’m homesick. Your home is twenty feet from here. Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.

 Your home is twenty feet from here. Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away.

 Your home is twenty feet from here. Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away. Damn it. What do you want me to do Sing soft kitty.

 Twenty feet, twenty light years, it doesn’t matter. It’s in a galaxy far, far away. Damn it. What do you want me to do Sing soft kitty.

 Damn it. What do you want me to do Sing soft kitty. That’s only for when you’re sick. Homesick is a type of being sick.

 Sing soft kitty. That’s only for when you’re sick. Homesick is a type of being sick.

 That’s only for when you’re sick. Homesick is a type of being sick.

 That’s only for when you’re sick. Homesick is a type of being sick. Come on, do I really have to? I suppose we can stay up and talk.

 Homesick is a type of being sick. Come on, do I really have to? I suppose we can stay up and talk.

 Come on, do I really have to? I suppose we can stay up and talk.

 Come on, do I really have to? I suppose we can stay up and talk. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um… Sleepy kitty.

 I suppose we can stay up and talk. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um… Sleepy kitty.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um… Sleepy kitty.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, um… Sleepy kitty. Sleepy ki… No. Start over.

 Sleepy ki… No. Start over. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Penny.

 No. Start over. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Penny.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Penny.

 Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. Penny. Yeah. Thank you for letting me stay here.

 You’re paying? Have you been selling your sperm again? No, I’m celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System. Oh, get over yourself, it’s a high-tech toilet. Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go

 No, I’m celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System. Oh, get over yourself, it’s a high-tech toilet. Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go

 Oh, get over yourself, it’s a high-tech toilet. Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go

 Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go

 Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go Is that supposed to be funny? I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing. Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

 Is that supposed to be funny? I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing. Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

 I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing. Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

 Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.

 I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing. Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology. He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two. Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

 Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us, I’m the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology. He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two. Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

 He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two. Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

 He’s right. This is an important achievement, for two reasons. Number one, and, of course, number two. Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions. Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing. Excuse me, spoiler alert.

 Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions. Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing. Excuse me, spoiler alert.

 Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing. Excuse me, spoiler alert.

 Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It’s mind-blowing. Excuse me, spoiler alert. I didn’t spoil anything. You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

 Excuse me, spoiler alert. I didn’t spoil anything. You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

 I didn’t spoil anything. You told me it’s mind-blowing, so, my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

 Well, uh, the thing is, the date didn’t go that well. Oh, too bad. I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on. I can’t do that. Why the hell not?

 Oh, too bad. I guess the thing to do now is just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forget it and move on. I can’t do that. Why the hell not?

 I can’t do that. Why the hell not? ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow. Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?

 Why the hell not? ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow. Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?

 ‘Cause we’re going out again tomorrow. Excuse me, Stuart. Have you read the new Flash?

 Well, uh, first of all, don’t underestimate the value of discomfort. Really? Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.

 Really? Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.

 Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that’s why he works in a comic book store.

 Oh. It’s Stuart. You’re not going to answer it? He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny. You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.

 You’re not going to answer it? He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny. You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.

 He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny. You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.

 He wants to talk about Penny. I don’t want to talk about Penny. You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance. Why would he call me? We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.

 You’re making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance. Why would he call me? We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.

 Why would he call me? We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know.

 Why would he call me? We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know. I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon. Answer the phone, Leonard.

 We don’t know. And if you don’t answer the phone, we can’t know. I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon. Answer the phone, Leonard.

 I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon. Answer the phone, Leonard.

 I’m not answering the phone, Sheldon. Answer the phone, Leonard. No! There, it went to voice mail. Aren’t you going to check your messages?

 Answer the phone, Leonard. No! There, it went to voice mail. Aren’t you going to check your messages?

 No! There, it went to voice mail. Aren’t you going to check your messages?

 No! There, it went to voice mail. Aren’t you going to check your messages? No. You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

 Aren’t you going to check your messages? No. You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

 No. You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

 No. You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy. It must be hell inside your head. At times.

 You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy. It must be hell inside your head. At times.

 Guys, we have a code red. Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew? Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve. How teeny tiny?

 Do you mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or code red the cherry flavoured soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew? Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve. How teeny tiny?

 Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve. How teeny tiny?

 Look, I was going over the schematics on my zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve. How teeny tiny? It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes. But the mission is for six months.

 How teeny tiny? It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes. But the mission is for six months.

 It’s gonna fail after about ten flushes. But the mission is for six months.

 I’m gonna figure out how to fix it, then I’ll tell them. So, what do you need us for? He can’t figure out how to fix it. Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.

 So, what do you need us for? He can’t figure out how to fix it. Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.

 He can’t figure out how to fix it. Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.

 Don’t you mean the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Distribution System? Good one. Yeah. Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

 Good one. Yeah. Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

 Yeah. Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

 Yeah, ha, it’s hilarious. Now, here’s an approximation of the spare parts available on the Space Station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.

 You don’t know what this is? No. Good. Get out. Be afraid of Penny, nice, very crafty.

 No good. I mean, it might work for the Japanese and the Americans, but have you seen the size of the Russians they got up there? This thing has to hold up against a hearty potato-based diet. I feel terrible. Maybe if you were helping, you’d feel better about yourself. I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.

 I feel terrible. Maybe if you were helping, you’d feel better about yourself. I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.

 Maybe if you were helping, you’d feel better about yourself. I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart’s date with Penny.

 Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude. You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you? It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around. Speaking of what goes around comes around…

 You don’t really believe in that superstition, do you? It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around. Speaking of what goes around comes around…

 It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around. Speaking of what goes around comes around…

 It’s not superstition. It’s practically Newtonian. For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch, therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It’s actually a very elegant system, you know, what goes around comes around. Speaking of what goes around comes around… Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely? It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.

 Speaking of what goes around comes around… Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely? It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.

 Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely? It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient.

 Okay, look. Instead of trying to reinforce this structure here, what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely? It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient. What if we reposition the collection tank? It won’t work. No way to mount it.

 It won’t work. The diameter of the tubing is insufficient. What if we reposition the collection tank? It won’t work. No way to mount it.

 What if we reposition the collection tank? It won’t work. No way to mount it.

 Okay… I just… I kind of… Look, Leonard, what goes on between me and Stuart is none of your business. So just leave it alone, okay? If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.

 Look, Leonard, what goes on between me and Stuart is none of your business. So just leave it alone, okay? If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.

 If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin’ latte.

 Howard, wait. Why don’t you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place? Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese. That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie. Where are you going?

 Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese. That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie. Where are you going?

 That what that’s for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese. Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie. Where are you going?

 Where are you going? Comic book store. Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break. Me, too.

 Comic book store. Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break. Me, too.

 ‘Cause he’s upset over his situation with Penny and if I have to hear about it again, I’m going to kick him in his ovaries. Thanks for understanding, Howard. I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware. Wow, that’s heavy.

 Thanks for understanding, Howard. I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware. Wow, that’s heavy.

 I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware. Wow, that’s heavy.

 I got your back, sister. All right, I think we’ve got a prototype ready to test. Hand me that Tupperware. Wow, that’s heavy. Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations. I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.

 Wow, that’s heavy. Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations. I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.

 Damn right it’s heavy, it’s my mother’s meat loaf, it’s been testing toilets for generations. I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your master’s degree.

 ISS, I’m afraid we can’t authorize that. Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.

 Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.

 What? I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work. Then what was oh, boy? Great restraint on my part.

 I can’t comment without violating our agreement that I don’t criticize your work. Then what was oh, boy? Great restraint on my part.

 Then what was oh, boy? Great restraint on my part. There’s nothing wrong with the science here. Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.

 Great restraint on my part. There’s nothing wrong with the science here. Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.

 There’s nothing wrong with the science here. Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.

 There’s nothing wrong with the science here. Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science. Okay, how’s that? You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

 Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science. Okay, how’s that? You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

 Okay, how’s that? You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

 Okay, how’s that? You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Why? It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.

 You actually had it right in the first place. Once again, you’ve fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga! Well, now here’s a peculiar e-mail. The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Why? It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.

 Why? It doesn’t say. It must be an emergency. Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at eight and move my bowels at 8:20.

 That’s 14 hours away. For the next 840 minutes, I’m effectively one of Heisenberg’s particles, I know where I am or I know how fast I’m going, but I can’t know both. Yet how am I supposed to carry on with this huge annoying thing hovering over my head? Yeah, I know the feeling.

 Sheldon, it’s two o’clock in the morning. Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is? Everybody? You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.

 Why is everybody keep telling me what time it is? Everybody? You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.

 Everybody? You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it.

 Everybody? You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it. You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night? He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.

 You, the president of the university, his wife, their sullen teenage daughter. That entire family is fascinated by what time it is and whether people know it. You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night? He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.

 You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night? He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was.

 You went to President Seibert’s house in the middle of the night? He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was. You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to. Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?

 He didn’t respond to my e-mail, his phone number is unlisted. Tell me what my other option was. You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to. Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?

 You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to. Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole?

 You could have waited until morning. I know, look who I’m talking to. Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole? Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.

 Do you remember the grant proposal I submitted to the National Science Foundation to detect slow-moving monopoles at the magnetic North Pole? Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.

 Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle.

 Hardly a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle. Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole? Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”

 Aw, how nice. Well, a space opened up at the last minute on the NSF expedition to the Arctic Circle. Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole? Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”

 Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole? Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.”

 Wait a minute. He offered to send you to the North Pole? Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.” Okay, well, do you want to go? Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

 Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said, “Frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would.” Okay, well, do you want to go? Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

 Okay, well, do you want to go? Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.

 Okay, well, do you want to go? Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life. Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death. Sarcasm?

 Of course not. I’m a theoretical physicist, a career I chose in no small part because it’s indoors, but if I’m able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist to confirm string theory. People will write books about me. Third-graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life. Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death. Sarcasm?

 Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death. Sarcasm?

 Sure, maybe a tableau of me trying to pummel you to death. Sarcasm? Maybe. I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

 Sarcasm? Maybe. I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

 Maybe. I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

 Maybe. I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole? Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now. I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.

 I’m on the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole? Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now. I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.

 Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now. I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go.

 Easy peasy, I’m doing it right now. I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go. Well, then don’t go. How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.

 I’m not good with cold, Leonard. How often have we had to leave a movie theatre because I got a headache from drinking the Icee too fast? I can’t go. Well, then don’t go. How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.

 Well, then don’t go. How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go.

 Well, then don’t go. How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go. All right, then go. Listen to you. How can I possibly go?

 How can you say that? The scientific opportunity of a lifetime presents itself and my best friend says don’t go. All right, then go. Listen to you. How can I possibly go?

 All right, then go. Listen to you. How can I possibly go? Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep? Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.

 Listen to you. How can I possibly go? Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep? Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.

 Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep? Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.

 Just imagine. If he says yes, we’ll have an entire summer without Sheldon. We could play outside. We could sit on the left side of the couch. I could use the bathroom at 8:20.

 We could play outside. We could sit on the left side of the couch. I could use the bathroom at 8:20.

 We could sit on the left side of the couch. I could use the bathroom at 8:20.

 We could sit on the left side of the couch. I could use the bathroom at 8:20. Our dreams are very small, aren’t they? Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…

 I could use the bathroom at 8:20. Our dreams are very small, aren’t they? Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…

 Our dreams are very small, aren’t they? Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted…

 Good news, gentlemen, I have tentatively accepted… Yeah! Woo-hoo! …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition. It’s not gonna be the same without you.

 Yeah! Woo-hoo! …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition. It’s not gonna be the same without you.

 …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition. It’s not gonna be the same without you.

 …the invitation to join the Arctic Expedition. It’s not gonna be the same without you. Godspeed. Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.

 It’s not gonna be the same without you. Godspeed. Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature.

 Godspeed. Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature. Ooh, I don’t like where this is going. I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.

 Thank you, but your sentiments may be premature. Ooh, I don’t like where this is going. I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.

 Ooh, I don’t like where this is going. I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me.

 Ooh, I don’t like where this is going. I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me. To the North Pole? Yes.

 I would like to propose that the three of you accompany me. To the North Pole? Yes.

 To the North Pole? Yes. Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away? I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.

 Yes. Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away? I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.

 Is this just so we won’t touch your stuff while you’re away? I’ll admit that was a concern. But the fact is, I’ll need a support team. And the three of you are my first choice.

 You still might get on a magazine. So you guys are seriously considering this? Yes. And you think you can put up with Sheldon?

 So you guys are seriously considering this? Yes. And you think you can put up with Sheldon?

 Well, I’m a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I’m reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings! Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision? I’m in. Me, too.

 Oh, damn it. Peer pressure. Fine. Excellent. And just an FYI, as I am the expedition’s team leader, protocol dictates that be phrased fine, sir. But don’t worry, there will be a briefing.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What do you want? I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What do you want? I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.

 What do you want? I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer.

 What do you want? I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer. Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature. No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.

 I need access to the Cheesecake Factory’s walk-in freezer. Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature. No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.

 Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature. No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole.

 Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature. No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole. What? I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

 No. This is to train for a three-month expedition to the magnetic North Pole. What? I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

 What? I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali.

 What? I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali. You’re all going? Yes.

 I don’t know how that sentence could possibly confuse you, but to elaborate, I’m going to the Arctic Circle with Leonard, Wolowitz and Koothrappali. You’re all going? Yes.

 Sheldon says you’re going to the North Pole. Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? Yeah. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t tell me. Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.

 Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? Yeah. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t tell me. Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.

 Yeah. I’m just a little surprised you didn’t tell me. Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.

 Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.

 Yes, yes, you were busy, you were surprised, all very fascinating. Now where do we stand on the freezer? Is he serious? Actually, it would help. All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.

 Is he serious? Actually, it would help. All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.

 Actually, it would help. All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.

 All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome.

 All right, I’ll see what I can do. So, three months at the North Pole. Wow, that is awesome. Yeah. I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action? Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.

 Yeah. I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action? Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.

 I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action? Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside.

 I’m sorry, but at what point do you put this see what you can do plan into action? Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside. Did she seem upset to you? No. Did she seem upset to you?

 Just a warning, Sheldon, the freezer locks from the outside. Did she seem upset to you? No. Did she seem upset to you?

 Did she seem upset to you? No. Did she seem upset to you? No. Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?

 No. Did she seem upset to you? No. Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset?

 No. Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset? A little bit. Two for two. I’m on fire.

 Oh, good, I got it right. Are you upset? A little bit. Two for two. I’m on fire.

 Right here. All right, team, open up your practice kits. As the university did not permit me to bring the actual equipment we’ll be using to the Cheesecake Factory, because apparently I’m “ridiculous,” I’ve provided substitutes which will exercise your fine motor skills. Leonard, you will be doing a series of complex mathematical problems on a vintage Casio model 1175 calculator watch I received when I won the Earth Science medal in 3rd grade. Treat it with respect. Raj, you will be painting sideburns and a Van Dyke on a six-inch figurine of Legolas the elf. Now, remember, a Van Dyke is a goatee without a moustache. Wolowitz, you will be completing a series of delicate surgical procedures on the classic children’s game, Operation. To begin with, you will remove funny bone for two hundred dollars. For this I went to MIT. And begin. I think I swallowed some paint!

 For this I went to MIT. And begin. I think I swallowed some paint!

 I can’t press any of the buttons with my gloves. Oh, son of a bitch! Adversity is to be expected. Continue. Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued. Okay, I can’t do this.

 Adversity is to be expected. Continue. Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued. Okay, I can’t do this.

 Okay, I can’t do this. Me either. Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up. You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.

 Me either. Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up. You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.

 Gentlemen, use your imagination. Innovate. Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth? No. He cut open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up. You heard the man. Hold him down and I’ll cut him open.

 Hang on, I know I don’t possess the tools of leadership, but I don’t understand why we can’t assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside. I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’re done here.

 What is it? It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter. Okay, why? Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.

 It’s hot chocolate with a stick of butter. Okay, why? Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.

 Okay, why? Because in the frigid temperatures in the Arctic, we need to consume at least 5,000 calories a day just to maintain our body weight.

 If you were standing behind me nagging, I might. Don’t talk back to your mother. This trip is much too dangerous, Rajesh. No, it’s not. Howard, tell them. Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

 Don’t talk back to your mother. This trip is much too dangerous, Rajesh. No, it’s not. Howard, tell them. Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

 No, it’s not. Howard, tell them. Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

 Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, namaste. I understand your concern, but if it’ll make you feel any better, my mother is fine with me going, and this is a woman who kept a safety rail on my bed until I was 17.

 Bye. I told you no. Why don’t you believe me? ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!

 I told you no. Why don’t you believe me? ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!

 ‘Cause it doesn’t make sense to me! How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn’t one Outback Steakhouse?!

 Sheldon, Sheldon? I want a cookie, Meemaw. Sheldon, it’s me. But Meemaw just made cookies.

 I want a cookie, Meemaw. Sheldon, it’s me. But Meemaw just made cookies.

 Sheldon, it’s me. But Meemaw just made cookies. Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition. What?

 But Meemaw just made cookies. Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition. What?

 Listen, I don’t know if I can go on the expedition. What? I don’t think I can go to the North Pole. Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

 What? I don’t think I can go to the North Pole. Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

 I don’t think I can go to the North Pole. Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low.

 I don’t think I can go to the North Pole. Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low. Yeah, that’s very comforting. Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

 Okay, Leonard, I know you’re concerned about disappointing me but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low. Yeah, that’s very comforting. Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

 Yeah, that’s very comforting. Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

 Yeah, that’s very comforting. Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden. Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go. Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?

 Comforting is a part of leadership. It’s not a part I care for, but such is my burden. Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go. Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?

 Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go. Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it?

 Terrific, it’s just that I don’t think Penny wants me to go. Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it? Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this. What is it?

 Assuming that’s a valid reason not to go, which it isn’t, how do you know this? Did she say it? Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this. What is it?

 Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this. What is it?

 Not exactly. But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this. What is it? It’s a blanket with sleeves. Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?

 What is it? It’s a blanket with sleeves. Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?

 It’s a blanket with sleeves. Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable?

 It’s a blanket with sleeves. Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable? Yes, obviously. All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.

 Oh, that’s clever. Let me see if I understand this correctly. Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable? Yes, obviously. All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.

 Yes, obviously. All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.

 Yes, obviously. All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave. Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else? She does have a short attention span.

 All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave. Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else? She does have a short attention span.

 Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else? She does have a short attention span.

 Yes, okay, but I’m gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn’t miss me that long and she meets someone else? She does have a short attention span. So, I can’t go. Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.

 She does have a short attention span. So, I can’t go. Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.

 So, I can’t go. Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.

 Okay, bye. (Penny closes door. To herself) Means I wish you weren’t going.

 What are you working on? Crossbow. Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see. He’s right.

 Crossbow. Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see. He’s right.

 Hey, guys, can I just say something? How about we take a moment to think about where we are right now? This is literally the top of the world. Only a handful of people in all of human history will ever see what we are going to see. He’s right.

 It is remarkable. So, who’s up for a movie? Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing? I say double feature.

 So, who’s up for a movie? Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing? I say double feature.

 Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing? I say double feature.

 Good idea, what do you think? Ice Station Zebra or John Carpenter’s The Thing? I say double feature. Dinner’s ready! What are we having?

 Dinner’s ready! What are we having? Reconstituted Thai food. Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?

 What are we having? Reconstituted Thai food. Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?

 Reconstituted Thai food. Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?

 Reconstituted Thai food. Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce? Check. Freeze-dried spicy mustard?

 Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce? Check. Freeze-dried spicy mustard?

 Check. Freeze-dried spicy mustard? Check. Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?

 Freeze-dried spicy mustard? Check. Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?

 Check. Flash-frozen brown rice, not white? Uh, oh, sorry. Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.

 Flash-frozen brown rice, not white? Uh, oh, sorry. Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.

 Uh, oh, sorry. Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga! You’re in my spot.

 It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening. I don’t know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

 I just want you both to know, when I publish my findings, I won’t forget your contributions. Great. Thanks. Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

 Great. Thanks. Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

 Thanks. Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

 Thanks. Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy. We have to tell him. Tell me what?

 Of course, I can’t mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get round to writing my memoirs you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy. We have to tell him. Tell me what?

 We have to tell him. Tell me what? Damn his Vulcan hearing. You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?

 Tell me what? Damn his Vulcan hearing. You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?

 Damn his Vulcan hearing. You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you?

 Damn his Vulcan hearing. You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you? Okay, Sheldon, sit down. If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.

 You fellows are planning a party for me, aren’t you? Okay, Sheldon, sit down. If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.

 Okay, Sheldon, sit down. If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea.

 If there’s going to be a theme, I should let you know that I don’t care for luau, toga or under the sea. Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole. If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not about that.

 Yeah, we’ll keep that in mind, look, we need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole. If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not about that.

 If this is about the night the heat went out, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s not about that.

 He’s speaking about it. For me, it was a bonding moment. Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator? I thought we were going to be gentle with him.

 For me, it was a bonding moment. Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator? I thought we were going to be gentle with him.

 Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator? I thought we were going to be gentle with him.

 I thought we were going to be gentle with him. That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy. Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D. Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

 That’s why I added the tator. And then when we found our first positive data, you were so happy. Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D. Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

 Oh, yes. In the world of emoticons, I was colon, capital D. Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

 Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off.

 Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn’t so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles as it was… static from the electric can opener we were turning on and off. He just went colon, capital O. You tampered with my experiment? We had to.

 He just went colon, capital O. You tampered with my experiment? We had to.

 You tampered with my experiment? We had to. It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian. Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.

 We had to. It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian. Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.

 It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian. You see that? I added the ensian. Did Leonard know about this? Leonard’s my best friend in the world. Surely Leonard didn’t know.

 I missed you, too. I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone. Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 I couldn’t even think of anyone else while you were gone. Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 Me, neither. Except for one night when the heat went out. Long story, it’s… don’t ask. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. Do not make a sound. Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. Do not make a sound. Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.

 Do not make a sound. Whispering do not make a sound is a sound.

 Do not make a sound. Whispering do not make a sound is a sound. Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Whispering do not make a sound is a sound. Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Damn his Vulcan hearing. Not a good time, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh, this is ridiculous. What? Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Oh, this is ridiculous. What? Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

 Oh, this is ridiculous. What? Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

 Hello, Penny. I realize you’re currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one? It’s great to see you too. Come on in. Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

 It’s great to see you too. Come on in. Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

 Wolowitz has informed me of your grand deception. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

 Yes, I feel terrible about it. I will never forgive myself, I don’t expect you to either, and I would really appreciate it if you would leave me with Penny for a session of self-criticism and repentance.

 What’s going on is I was led to believe I was making groundbreaking strides in science, when in fact, I was being fed false data at the hands of Wolowitz, Koothrappali and your furry little boy toy. Is that true? It was the only way to make him happy. Why did you have to make him happy?

 Is that true? It was the only way to make him happy. Why did you have to make him happy?

 It was the only way to make him happy. Why did you have to make him happy?

 It was the only way to make him happy. Why did you have to make him happy? Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. That seems like a bit of an overreaction.

 Why did you have to make him happy? Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. That seems like a bit of an overreaction.

 Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. That seems like a bit of an overreaction.

 Because when he wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death. That seems like a bit of an overreaction. No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results. Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.

 That seems like a bit of an overreaction. No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results. Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.

 No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell mush. Look, we kept the original data. You can still publish the actual results. Yes, but the actual results are unsuccessful and I’ve already sent an e-mail to everyone at the university explaining that I have confirmed string theory and forever changed man’s understanding of the universe.

 What? Uh, he’ll be fine, the guy’s a trouper, come here. No, you’re right, you shouldn’t talk to him. I will. Man, I cannot catch a break.

 No, you’re right, you shouldn’t talk to him. I will. Man, I cannot catch a break.

 Hey. Do you want to talk? About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con! Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty… That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.

 About what? Being betrayed by my friends? Spending three months at the North Pole for nothing? And I didn’t even get to go to Comic-Con! Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty… That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.

 Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty… That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick.

 Oh, hon… Uh… (singing)  Soft kitty, warm kitty… That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick. Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song. I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.

 That’s for when I’m sick. Sad is not sick. Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song. I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.

 Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song. I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child.

 Oh. Sorry. I don’t know your sad song. I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child. Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through. Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

 I don’t have a sad song. I’m not a child. Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through. Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

 Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through. Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you?

 Well, you know, I do understand what you’re going through. Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you? Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag. Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

 Really? Did you just have the Nobel Prize in waitressing stolen from you? Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag. Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

 Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag. Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?

 Well, no, but when I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was going to be named head cheerleader. Oh, I was so excited. My mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher head cheerleader. Big ol’ slutbag. Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize? Well, they’re pretty tasty. And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

 Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize? Well, they’re pretty tasty. And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

 Well, they’re pretty tasty. And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you truly believe that you were ever fit to be a cheer leader?

 He says they didn’t do it. Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.)  What are you doing? I feel bad for the guy.

 Sheldon, over here. (Sheldon sits at another table and tries to choke all three to death with the force. Raj pretends he is choking.)  What are you doing? I feel bad for the guy.

 What are you doing? I feel bad for the guy. Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

 I feel bad for the guy. Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

 Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

 Sheldon, why are you sitting by yourself? Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated. Come on. We said we were sorry. It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.

 Because I am without friends. Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated. Come on. We said we were sorry. It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.

 Come on. We said we were sorry. It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me.

 Come on. We said we were sorry. It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me. Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation. You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.

 It’s going to take more than I’m sorry and a store-bought apology pie from Penny to make up for what you’ve done to me. Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation. You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.

 Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation. You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning.

 Hey, Cooper. Wead your wetwaction e-mail. Way to destroy your weputation. You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning. That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife. All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

 You see? People have been pointing and laughing at me all morning. That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife. All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

 That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife. All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.

 That’s not twue. People have been pointing and waughing at you your whole wife. All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour. Off a cwiff. My credibility may have been damaged…

 All right, I’ve had enough. Attention, everyone. I’ m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. As many of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour. Off a cwiff. My credibility may have been damaged…

 Off a cwiff. My credibility may have been damaged… Compwetely wecked. But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.

 My credibility may have been damaged… Compwetely wecked. But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.

 Compwetely wecked. But I would like to remind you that in science, there’s no such thing as failure. There once was a man who referred to his prediction of a cosmological constant as the single biggest blunder of his career. That man’s name was, surprise, surprise, Albert Einstein.

 Here you go, Shelly. Thanks, Mom. Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat. Aw, Mom.

 Thanks, Mom. Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat. Aw, Mom.

 Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat. Aw, Mom.

 Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas, we pray before we eat. Aw, Mom. This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all… Fed.

 Aw, Mom. This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all… Fed.

 This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all… Fed.

 This is not California, land of the heathen. Gimme. By His hand we are all… Fed. Give us, Lord, our daily… Bread.

 Give us, Lord, our daily… Bread. Please know that we are truly… Grateful.

 Please know that we are truly… Grateful. For every cup and every… Plateful.

 For every cup and every… Plateful. Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.

 Plateful. Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.

 Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty.

 Amen. Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty. Whatever. Jesus still loves you. Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.

 My objection was based on considerations other than difficulty. Whatever. Jesus still loves you. Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.

 Whatever. Jesus still loves you. Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich.

 Whatever. Jesus still loves you. Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends? They’re not my friends.

 Thank you for carving a smiley face in my grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends? They’re not my friends.

 Oh, I know how to take care of my baby. His eyes came out a little thin, but you can just pretend he’s Chinese. So, do you want to talk about what happened with you and your little friends? They’re not my friends.

 You’ll take a Cola.* What about you? Radge, isn’t it? Oh, you still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because, you know, at our church we have a woman who’s an amazing healer. Mostly she does, uh, crutch and wheelchair people, but I bet she’d be willing to take a shot at whatever Third World demon is running around inside of you. Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it. A girl? Uh, yes, ma’am.

 Uh, if you don’t mind, Mrs. Cooper, there’s a 3:05 nonstop back to Los Angeles, and you have no idea how much I want to be on it. A girl? Uh, yes, ma’am.

 We came to apologize. Again. And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back. No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

 Again. And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back. No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

 And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back. No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

 No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

 And bring you home. So, why don’t you pack up your stuff and we’ll head back. No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists. You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.

 No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists. You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.

 You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. Evolution isn’t an opinion, it’s fact.

 What are you doing here? What do you mean? It’s new comic book night. Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night. There’s more to life than sex, Raj.

 What do you mean? It’s new comic book night. Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night. There’s more to life than sex, Raj.

 Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up, we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night. There’s more to life than sex, Raj.

 Nothing flamed out. We don’t have to have sex every night, you know. You don’t have to, but it’s highly recommended. Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.

 You don’t have to, but it’s highly recommended. Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.

 Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.

 It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve.

 Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky. It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve. What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy. Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

 It’s not a matter of opportunity. We’re getting to know each other. There’s a learning curve. What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy. Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

 What’s there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy. Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

 Disappointed? Let down? Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed? All I know is, it wasn’t the way I dreamed it would be. Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.

 Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed? All I know is, it wasn’t the way I dreamed it would be. Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.

 All I know is, it wasn’t the way I dreamed it would be. Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.

 Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be. That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down. Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.

 That’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waist down. Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin. Miniseries issue two, page 22. Retractable bone claws. If you people spent less time thinking about sex and more time concentrating on comic books, we’d have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.

 Sheldon, dinner’s here. Tandoori Palace? No, we went somewhere new. You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?

 Tandoori Palace? No, we went somewhere new. You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?

 No, we went somewhere new. You’re good-naturedly ribbing me, aren’t you?

 You are the authority on just fine. What’s that supposed to mean? Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great. What are they talking about?

 What’s that supposed to mean? Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great. What are they talking about?

 Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great. What are they talking about?

 Yeah, exactly. Not bad, but not great. What are they talking about? I don’t know I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…

 What are they talking about? I don’t know I know. As I’m sure you’re aware…

 I know. As I’m sure you’re aware… Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed. Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.

 Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed. Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.

 If that’s Morse code, that’s terrible. As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter. Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as just fine. So what you’re seeing here is a continuation of the mocking that followed. Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.

 Okay, yeah, well, I’m just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere. Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.

 Okay. See, we should’ve done this last night, you know, have a little wine, take the edge off. Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid. Don’t talk, just drink. No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.

 Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid. Don’t talk, just drink. No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.

 Don’t talk, just drink. No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.

 No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them.

 No, you’re misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn’t an actual goddess and we don’t pray to them, we prey on them. Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t. Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat. What’s that?

 Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard’s got one and you don’t. Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat. What’s that?

 Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat. What’s that?

 Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny’s sex life in front of Leonard and Penny. (Howard indicates that he has got it.) Oh, good! Now I can eat. What’s that? Sounds like a cricket. Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.

 What’s that? Sounds like a cricket. Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.

 Sounds like a cricket. Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket.

 Sounds like a cricket. Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket. Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that? In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

 Hang on. Based on the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature in this room, it is a snowy tree cricket. Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that? In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

 Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that? In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

 Oh, give me a frickin’ break. How could you possibly know that? In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets. How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is? Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.

 In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature. A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets. How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is? Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.

 How do you know what the exact temperature of the room is? Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06.

 Under the terms of my roommate agreement with Leonard, I’ve had unilateral control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of ’06. Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket. Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play. No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.

 Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you’re wrong about the cricket. Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play. No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.

 Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play. No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.

 No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin.

 Howard, don’t embarrass yourself, the science chirps for itself. Humorous word play. No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin. Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess. That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

 No, no, not this time. I know insects, my friend, I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in glass jars, sticking pins through them, mounting them on corrugated cardboard with Dymo labels underneath, identifying the genus and species. In Latin. Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess. That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

 Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess. That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade.

 Oh, dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess. That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade. Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket. I can’t take your money.

 That is a snowy tree cricket. Oecanthus fultoni. I was done with Latin by fifth grade. Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket. I can’t take your money.

 Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket. I can’t take your money.

 Okay, okay, tell you what. I am willing to bet anything that’s an ordinary field cricket. I can’t take your money. What’s the matter, you chicken? I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

 I can’t take your money. What’s the matter, you chicken? I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

 What’s the matter, you chicken? I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

 What’s the matter, you chicken? I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house. Chickens can’t climb trees Thank God.

 I’ve always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbour’s chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house. Chickens can’t climb trees Thank God.

 Chickens can’t climb trees Thank God. Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me. Fair enough. What stake do you propose?

 Thank God. Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me. Fair enough. What stake do you propose?

 Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch. But the cricket thing, I don’t buy. Bet me. Fair enough. What stake do you propose?

 Shh! Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.) One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that? My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?

 Hallway. (All try to exit at once and get stuck in doorway.) One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that? My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?

 One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that? My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?

 My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it?

 One at a time. (Same thing happens again. Eventually they leave the apartment. There is a growling noise.) What was that? My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it? Shh! Elevator shaft. Help me open it.

 My stomach. Indian food doesn’t agree with me. Ironic, isn’t it? Shh! Elevator shaft. Help me open it.

 Shh! Elevator shaft. Help me open it. Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft. Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.

 Help me open it. Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft. Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.

 Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft. Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four.

 Are you crazy? We can’t go down an empty elevator shaft. Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four. Let’s open her up. Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?

 Fine, if you don’t want to proceed, then you forfeit the bet, and I’ll take possession of your Fantastic Four. Let’s open her up. Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?

 Let’s open her up. Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you?

 I’m okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I’m gonna rock your world. (Penny vomits in sink) Are you okay? (Vomits in toilet again)

 Ugh, Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now? His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket. What would you name him? An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.

 His name isn’t Toby. Toby is an absurd name for a cricket. What would you name him? An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.

 What would you name him? An appropriate cricket name. For example, Jiminy.

 Hang on. Voilà, the snowy tree cricket, aka Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for I’ll suck nothing. Of course I’m joking because the Latin for that is nihil exsorbibo. That is not Toby, this is Toby. Raj, what do you think? Oh, I really don’t care anymore God, I had the most horrible night.

 That is not Toby, this is Toby. Raj, what do you think? Oh, I really don’t care anymore God, I had the most horrible night.

 Oh, I really don’t care anymore God, I had the most horrible night.

 Oh, I really don’t care anymore God, I had the most horrible night. What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.

 God, I had the most horrible night. What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.

 What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.

 What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess. Shiksa. Shik-sa. Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.

 Obviously another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess. Shiksa. Shik-sa. Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.

 Shiksa. Shik-sa. Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long.

 Shiksa. Shik-sa. Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long. Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again. We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.

 Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in east Texas. And if it was, it wasn’t spoken for long. Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again. We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.

 Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is, you’re wrong again. We haven’t established that I’m wrong once.

 I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends.

 Holy crap. It’s like Silence of the Lambs down here. (Howard tickles the back of his neck. He screams) Don’t do that! You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs. Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out. Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome

 You’re such a girl. They’re just bugs. Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out. Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome

 Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out. Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome

 Yeah, well, I don’t like bugs, okay? They freak me out. Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle? Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?

 Interesting. You’re afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic. It was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort. You’re welcome Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle? Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?

 Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle? Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley?

 Don’t knock. Just walk in. Why be polite to the world’s leading expert on the dung beetle? Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley? Who wants to know? I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.

 Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley? Who wants to know? I’m Dr. Cooper from the Physics Department.

 No, you don’t understand. We just want to ask you a question. Let me ask you one first. What’s a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?

 Let me ask you one first. What’s a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?

 Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?

 What’s your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?

 I’m from New Delhi. Maybe you should find another entomologist. No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket? Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields. Well, could you look at Toby?

 No, no. We’re here, let’s settle this. Professor, can you identify our cricket? Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields. Well, could you look at Toby?

 Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that’s going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we’re not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We’re talking Oxnard in the onion fields. Well, could you look at Toby?

 Well, could you look at Toby? Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket. Told you. It’s a field cricket.

 Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket. Told you. It’s a field cricket.

 Told you. It’s a field cricket. Yes! No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?

 It’s a field cricket. Yes! No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?

 Yes! No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure? Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley. Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.

 No, no, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure? Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley. Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.

 Young man, I’ve been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley. Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.

 Let me show you something. See that? That’s a Crawley’s dung beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through a Bornean rain forest, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans! So, when I tell you that that’s a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank! Cause God knows I can’t. That tramp took me for everything! Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations. Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.

 Well, apparently, I was wrong. Congratulations. Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.

 Enjoy Oxnard. I’m sure your daughter’s looking forward to having you.

 Oh, hey, Sheldon. What you got there? A new comic book? Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box. What do you have a safe deposit box for? Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.

 Old comic book. I just retrieved it from my safe deposit box. What do you have a safe deposit box for? Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.

 What do you have a safe deposit box for? Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.

 What do you have a safe deposit box for? Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager. What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular. Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.

 Old comic books. I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager. What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular. Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.

 What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular. Penny, I’d rather not talk about it.

 What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can’t be very popular. Penny, I’d rather not talk about it. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either. Why would that make me feel better?

 Penny, I’d rather not talk about it. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either. Why would that make me feel better?

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either. Why would that make me feel better?

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not feeling so hot either. Why would that make me feel better? I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard. Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.

 Why would that make me feel better? I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard. Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.

 I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard. Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken.

 I don’t know, empathy? Anyway, I’m just saying that you’re feeling upset about something with Howard, and I’m upset about something with Leonard. Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken. What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken? A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.

 Yes, yes, the disappointing sex. That’s an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley’s chicken. What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken? A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.

 What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken? A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.

 What’s Mrs. Riley’s chicken? A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley. Okay, forget the chicken. Well, I wish I could.

 A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley. Okay, forget the chicken. Well, I wish I could.

 Okay, forget the chicken. Well, I wish I could. No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard. Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?

 Well, I wish I could. No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard. Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?

 No, no. You may be right about me and Leonard. Of course I’m right What are the odds I’d be wrong twice in one week?

 No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends. I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

 Hey. What’s going on? Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz. Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life? Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

 Oh, you’d like to catch up on the events of the day. All right. Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe deposit box, I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems, and, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance, pride wenteth before my fall, causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz. Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life? Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

 Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life? Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz.

 Wait a minute. You talked to Penny about our sex life? Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz. Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?  Yes.

 Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial. I lost a bet to Wolowitz. Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?  Yes.

 Right, right. You’re saying you talked to Penny?  Yes. Interesting. Hardly.

 Interesting. Hardly. Excuse me. Have I crossed some sort of line again?

 Good, good. Come here. (She gives him a hug. It turns into a big kiss.) Okay-dokay

 Come here. (She gives him a hug. It turns into a big kiss.) Okay-dokay

 Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me. No. Why not? Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

 No. Why not? Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

 Why not? Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

 Why not? Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing. Are you fun in any of them? The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.

 Penny, while I subscribe to the many worlds theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing. Are you fun in any of them? The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.

 Are you fun in any of them? The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance.

 Are you fun in any of them? The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance. All right, want some French toast? It’s Oatmeal Day.

 The math would suggest that in a few I’m a clown made of candy. But I don’t dance. All right, want some French toast? It’s Oatmeal Day.

 All right, want some French toast? It’s Oatmeal Day. Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal. Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?

 It’s Oatmeal Day. Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal. Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?

 Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal. Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day?

 Tell you what, next French Toast Day, I will make you oatmeal. Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day? Morning. Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.

 Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French Toast Day? Morning. Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.

 Morning. Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast. Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet. It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

 Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast. Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet. It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

 Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet. It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

 Sorry. I haven’t given her your schedule yet. It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment. We did, but there were extenuating circumstances. I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

 It’s an iCal download, she can put it right in her phone. And I thought we agreed that you’d have your conjugal visits in her apartment. We did, but there were extenuating circumstances. I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

 We did, but there were extenuating circumstances. I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

 A homunculus? Perfectly formed miniature human being. Oh, you’re my little homunculus. Don’t do that.

 Perfectly formed miniature human being. Oh, you’re my little homunculus. Don’t do that.

 Oh, you’re my little homunculus. Don’t do that. Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar? I want oatmeal.

 Don’t do that. Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar? I want oatmeal.

 Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar? I want oatmeal.

 Sorry. Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar? I want oatmeal. Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass. I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

 I want oatmeal. Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass. I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

 Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass. I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

 Yes, well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn’t a giant pain in the ass. I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal. You know what, I give up. He’s impossible. I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”

 I’m sure that will happen soon enough. But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal. You know what, I give up. He’s impossible. I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”

 You know what, I give up. He’s impossible. I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.”

 You know what, I give up. He’s impossible. I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.” Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny. What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

 I can’t be impossible. I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, “I give up, he’s improbable.” Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny. What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

 Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny. What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.

 Sheldon, you really need to find a better way of dealing with Penny. What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible. I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?

 What am I supposed to do, eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible. I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?

 I’m just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You can catch even more flies with manure. What’s your point?

 Okay, so Kim the night manager went on maternity leave, and her husband’s name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband’s name is Kim. Wow! I know. What are the odds? Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…

 Wow! I know. What are the odds? Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…

 I know. What are the odds? Easily calculable, we begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work, the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at…

 Sheldon! it’s an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that? I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches. Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you. Come on, you guys, let it go.

 I’m sorry. Ooh, Penny, it’s as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches. Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you. Come on, you guys, let it go.

 Ooh, Sheldon, it’s as if you don’t think I’ll punch you. Come on, you guys, let it go.

 Come on, you guys, let it go. Fine, whatever. Are you finished? Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate Um, yeah, sure, thanks.

 Fine, whatever. Are you finished? Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate Um, yeah, sure, thanks.

 Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate Um, yeah, sure, thanks.

 Well, thank you. How thoughtful. Would you like a chocolate Um, yeah, sure, thanks. What was that? You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.

 Um, yeah, sure, thanks. What was that? You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.

 What was that? You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of nice.

 No. Raj and I are going a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people. Anybody want to come along? Oh, wow, you’re actually going out like that? No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms) Howard, what did you do?

 Oh, wow, you’re actually going out like that? No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms) Howard, what did you do?

 No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms) Howard, what did you do?

 No, no. I’m going out like this. (Whips off jacket to reveal tattoos up both arms) Howard, what did you do? They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery. You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.

 Howard, what did you do? They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery. You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.

 They’re called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online, Raj got a set, too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have hot sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery. You know, I’ve always wanted to go to a goth nighclub.

 Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now? In this case, you bet she is. Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner. They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.

 In this case, you bet she is. Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner. They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.

 Yes, she’s pushy and yes, he’s whipped, but that’s not the expression. Come on, I want to stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner. They’re gonna get beaten up at that club.

 I’m Sarah. Not that anyone cares. Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham?

 Oshikuru: Demon Samurai. And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime. Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three. You’re here a lot now.

 And it’s not a cartoon, it’s anime. Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three. You’re here a lot now.

 Anime. You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May. Anna May Fletcher. She was born with one nostril. Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three. You’re here a lot now.

 You’re here a lot now. Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip. Thank you. Chocolate? Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…

 Oh, am I talking too much? I’m sorry. Zip. Thank you. Chocolate? Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…

 Thank you. Chocolate? Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…

 Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work…

 Thank you. Chocolate? Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work… Okay, I know what you’re doing. Really?

 Yes please. (Her phone rings) Oh. Hey, Kim. Yeah, I… (sees Sheldon looking disapprovingly) You know what, hold on, let me take this in the hall. (Sheldon silently offers her another chocolate. She takes it.) You’ll never guess who they got to replace you at work… Okay, I know what you’re doing. Really?

 Okay, I know what you’re doing. Really? Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour. Very good. Chocolate?

 Really? Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour. Very good. Chocolate?

 Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour. Very good. Chocolate?

 Yes, you’re using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour. Very good. Chocolate? No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat. Actually, it turns out I can.

 Very good. Chocolate? No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat. Actually, it turns out I can.

 No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat. Actually, it turns out I can.

 No, I don’t want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat. Actually, it turns out I can. Well, you shouldn’t. There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

 Actually, it turns out I can. Well, you shouldn’t. There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

 Well, you shouldn’t. There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.

 Well, you shouldn’t. There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose. No, this has to stop now. I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

 There’s just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren’t happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose. No, this has to stop now. I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

 No, this has to stop now. I’m not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the “bazinga” was implied. I’m just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.

 What could she possibly be talking about for so long? Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week. No. If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.

 Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socioeconomic activity, that requires a great deal of analysis and planning. Bazinga! You know, using positive reinforcement techniques, I could train that behaviour out of her in a week. No. If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.

 No. If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed.

 No. If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed. You’re not squirting her in the face with water. No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

 If you let me use negative reinforcement, I can get it done before we go to bed. You’re not squirting her in the face with water. No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

 You’re not squirting her in the face with water. No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.

 You’re not squirting her in the face with water. No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever. Forget it. Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

 No, of course not. We’re talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever. Forget it. Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

 Forget it. Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.

 Oh, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend. I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is. You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh? Yes.

 I’m not. And Penny’s qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is. You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh? Yes.

 You mean, like that high-pitched, irritating laugh? Yes. You’re not changing how Penny laughs. No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

 Yes. You’re not changing how Penny laughs. No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

 You’re not changing how Penny laughs. No, that would be incongruous, I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.

 Uh, sorry guys, that girl is (high pitched) freaky! Come again? Freaky. Freaky?

 When we tell this story, let’s end it differently. What are you thinking? Maybe a big musical number?

 I was just thinking, we should probably turn in too. well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place. Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late. Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.

 well, my new bed got delivered, if you come over and put it together, you can stay at my place. Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late. Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.

 Really, that’s a lot of work, and it’s kind of late. Yeah, but if we stay there, we won’t have to be quiet.

 What do you mean? Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that? Hi, guys. Hi, honey. Hey.

 Well, the instructions are very clear, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, don’t get the gremlins wet. How hard is that? Hi, guys. Hi, honey. Hey.

 Hi, guys. Hi, honey. Hey. Ooh, we’re honey now, are we? Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.

 Hey. Ooh, we’re honey now, are we? Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.

 Ooh, we’re honey now, are we? Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.

 Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely. So, what are you guys doing? Celebrating Columbus Day. We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.

 So, what are you guys doing? Celebrating Columbus Day. We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.

 Celebrating Columbus Day. We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.

 We’re watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus.

 The parade. Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial. What’s he on trial for? Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

 Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they’re calling it off on account of my brother’s trial. What’s he on trial for? Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

 What’s he on trial for? Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

 Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

 What’s he on trial for? Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited. Oh. I’ll be there. Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?

 Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you’d actually like my brother, he’s kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I’d have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited. Oh. I’ll be there. Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?

 Oh. I’ll be there. Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?

 So, what’s going on with Raj? Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil. Hard to believe, but go on. The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.

 Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother’s tur-brka-fil. Hard to believe, but go on. The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.

 Hard to believe, but go on. The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported.

 The bad news is, he says he’s getting deported. What do you mean, he’s getting deported? I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate. Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?

 What do you mean, he’s getting deported? I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate. Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?

 I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that’s willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I’d choose pirate. Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?

 Okay, here’s the deal, six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end. So? So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat. So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?

 So? So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat. So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?

 So, my visa’s only good as long as I’m employed at the university, and when they find out I’ve got squat, they’re going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat. So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?

 What are you asking me for? I don’t know if you can talk now or not.

 Oh, beef, I’m going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald’s, you can’t get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India, Don’t worry, you’ll find another job. Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?” Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.

 Don’t worry, you’ll find another job. Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?” Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.

 Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?” Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.

 Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?” Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj. Hello Sheldon. Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.

 Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj. Hello Sheldon. Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.

 Hello Sheldon. Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated.

 Hello Sheldon. Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated. I’m sad. I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.

 Forgive me, as you know, I’m no adept at reading facial cues, but I’m going to take a stab here, you’re either sad or nauseated. I’m sad. I was going to say sad. I don’t know why I hedged.

 What are you eating? Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce. Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all. I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

 Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce. Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all. I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

 Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all. I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

 I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef?

 Oh, beefaroni. I think I’ll miss you most of all. I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef? We believe cows are gods. Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.

 I’ve always been a little confused about this. Why don’t Hindus eat beef? We believe cows are gods. Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.

 We believe cows are gods. Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.

 We believe cows are gods. Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God. Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow! I’m sorry.

 Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God. Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow! I’m sorry.

 Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow! I’m sorry.

 Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I’m in, I’ll take you out, I swear to cow! I’m sorry. Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge. Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.

 I’m sorry. Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge. Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.

 Me, too. I’m just, I’m a little on edge. Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.

 And you’re wrong about Hinduism and cows. Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team. You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic! Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

 Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team. You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic! Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

 You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic! Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

 Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.

 You, you’re kidding. That’s fantastic! Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview. I’m on it. That’s happy, right?

 Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview. I’m on it. That’s happy, right?

 Gee, that’s, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway? Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan. Tell you what, we’ll skype. Gentlemen.

 Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan. Tell you what, we’ll skype. Gentlemen.

 Tell you what, we’ll skype. Gentlemen. Hey. Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?

 Gentlemen. Hey. Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?

 Hey. Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin? No. I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…

 Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin? No. I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…

 No. I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit…

 No. I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit… Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.

 I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he’s met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit… Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.

 Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me.

 Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me. You want me to work with you? For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.

 I’m sorry, if you didn’t cheer at my entrance, it’s too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me. You want me to work with you? For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.

 You want me to work with you? For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job.

 For me. You’re going to have to listen more carefully when you’re on the job. Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you. For me.

 Okay, uh, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you. For me.

 Sheldon, are you busy? Of course I’m busy. Shall I wait? Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?

 Of course I’m busy. Shall I wait? Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?

 Shall I wait? Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you?

 Shall I wait? Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you? I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you. For me.

 Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you? I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you. For me.

 I’ve reconsidered your offer to let me work with you. For me. Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture. I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

 For me. Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture. I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

 Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture. I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

 Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture. I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions. Thank you. I reject them all.

 I’m impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions. Thank you. I reject them all.

 Thank you. I reject them all. Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job. I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.

 I reject them all. Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job. I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.

 Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job. I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview.

 Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job. I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview. Wha… You’re kidding! Please.

 I’m sorry, I believe you’ve misunderstood. I’m not giving you the job. I’m simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we’ll get started with the interview. Wha… You’re kidding! Please.

 Wha… You’re kidding! Please. All right. So, that’s what you wear to an interview?

 All right. So, that’s what you wear to an interview? Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years. Oh, pulling strings, are we?

 So, that’s what you wear to an interview? Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years. Oh, pulling strings, are we?

 Come on, dude, we’ve been friends for years. Oh, pulling strings, are we?

 Hey, I happen to love this movie. Fine, let’s watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.

 I’m the boss. I make the jokes. Sorry, go ahead and make your joke. This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus. All right, let’s buckle down and work.

 Sorry, go ahead and make your joke. This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus. All right, let’s buckle down and work.

 This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus. All right, let’s buckle down and work.

 This is not the time for joking. We’re doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus. All right, let’s buckle down and work. Sheldon. What?

 Yeah. Okay. Howard come back. Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.

 Okay. Howard come back. Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.

 No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we’d expect from this collision. Do you understand that we’re talking about dark matter colliding in outer space? Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space? I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space. Astro means star.

 Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space? I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space. Astro means star.

 I’m the astrophysicist. Astro means space. Astro means star. Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt. English is your native language.

 Astro means star. Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt. English is your native language.

 Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt. English is your native language.

 Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I’d be kicking your butt. English is your native language. Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this! There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

 English is your native language. Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this! There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

 Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this! There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.

 Okay, you got me there, but you’re wrong about this! There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it. My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca. Caca?

 There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it. My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca. Caca?

 My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca. Caca?

 My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca. Caca? It means doo-doo. All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…

 Caca? It means doo-doo. All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…

 It means doo-doo. All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me…

 It means doo-doo. All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me… Aha! So I am working with you. In this context, with me means for me.

 All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me… Aha! So I am working with you. In this context, with me means for me.

 Aha! So I am working with you. In this context, with me means for me.

 Aha! So I am working with you. In this context, with me means for me. Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry) Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.

 In this context, with me means for me. Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry) Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.

 Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry) Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it.

 Ah, well, in this context… (blows raspberry) Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it. Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle. No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.

 Oh! If I’m wrong, prove it. Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle. No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.

 Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle. No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target.

 Okay. Here’s where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle. No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target. Let me finish. You’re defacing my work.

 No, no, no, you’ve misstated the atomic weight of the target. Let me finish. You’re defacing my work.

 Let me finish. You’re defacing my work. I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it. Give me the eraser.

 You’re defacing my work. I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it. Give me the eraser.

 I’m not defacing it, I’m fixing it. Give me the eraser. No. I said give it to me.

 No. I said give it to me. Come and get it. Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!

 I said give it to me. Come and get it. Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!

 Come and get it. Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!

 I am in every way. Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs  complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)

 Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs  complex finger trick*) Nice working with you. I’m sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.)

 I’m busy. Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point. What do you want, Sheldon? I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.

 Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you’ve made your point. What do you want, Sheldon? I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.

 What do you want, Sheldon? I looked over the board and it turns out you were right.

 What do you want, Sheldon? I looked over the board and it turns out you were right. So you were wrong. I didn’t say that.

 I looked over the board and it turns out you were right. So you were wrong. I didn’t say that.

 So you were wrong. I didn’t say that. That’s the only logical inference. Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.

 I didn’t say that. That’s the only logical inference. Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.

 That’s the only logical inference. Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.

 That’s the only logical inference. Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me. For you or with you? In this context for me could mean with me.

 Nevertheless, I didn’t say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me. For you or with you? In this context for me could mean with me.

 For you or with you? In this context for me could mean with me.

 For you or with you? In this context for me could mean with me. All right, but I have some conditions. I reject them all.

 In this context for me could mean with me. All right, but I have some conditions. I reject them all.

 All right, but I have some conditions. I reject them all. I’ll take the job. See you Monday. Wait, you have to drive me home.

 I reject them all. I’ll take the job. See you Monday. Wait, you have to drive me home.

 I’ll take the job. See you Monday. Wait, you have to drive me home.

 I’ll take the job. See you Monday. Wait, you have to drive me home. How did you get here? I walked.

 Wait, you have to drive me home. How did you get here? I walked.

 Unless you have the carrot power. Okay, I’ve got another question. When does this get fun? Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah? Just play a potion card.

 Okay, I’ve got another question. When does this get fun? Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah? Just play a potion card.

 Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah? Just play a potion card.

 Just play a potion card. Which one? It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win. Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.

 Which one? It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win. Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.

 It doesn’t matter. You can’t possibly win. Sheldon, don’t ruin the game.

 Sheldon, don’t ruin the game. How could he ruin the game? Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris. See? Ruined.

 How could he ruin the game? Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris. See? Ruined.

 Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris. See? Ruined.

 Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris. See? Ruined. Sheldon, that is incredible. From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.

 See? Ruined. Sheldon, that is incredible. From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.

 Sheldon, that is incredible. From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.

 Nobody can. That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you. What? You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

 That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you. What? You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

 What? You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

 You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

 So you’ve been with Penny for like a month and a half now. Where’s my shorty, Morty? Howard, you can’t hold me to that. Why not? Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.

 Howard, you can’t hold me to that. Why not? Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.

 Why not? Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.

 Because when I made that agreement, I didn’t think I’d ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would.

 Oh, so that’s how it works? I have a teeny bladder and now I don’t get a hot girlfriend? Yeah, Raj, that’s how it works. Damn.

 A hot friend. Right. And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20. I’ll see what I can do.

 Right. And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20. I’ll see what I can do.

 And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20. I’ll see what I can do.

 And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they’re 20. I’ll see what I can do. Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today? I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.

 I’ll see what I can do. Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today? I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.

 Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today? I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest.

 Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today? I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest. Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today. That would probably save us some time.

 I’d imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you’re wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest. Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today. That would probably save us some time.

 Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today. That would probably save us some time.

 Why don’t I just tell you what I heard today. That would probably save us some time. Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable. I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

 That would probably save us some time. Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable. I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

 Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable. I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

 Saturday night at the comic book store, they’re having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we’d be unstoppable. I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge. What about the money? I have money.

 I’m sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge. What about the money? I have money.

 What about the money? I have money. But this is other money. How does it different from the money I have?

 I have money. But this is other money. How does it different from the money I have?

 But this is other money. How does it different from the money I have?

 Will you at least think about it? Just as a favour to me? Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.

 Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave.

 Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine’s coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you? Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession. All right, I won’t set one aside for you. But I must have it.

 Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession. All right, I won’t set one aside for you. But I must have it.

 But I must have it. Okay, I’ll set one aside for you. Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service. Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

 Okay, I’ll set one aside for you. Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service. Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

 Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service. Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

 Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

 Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service. Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek? Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer. Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:

 Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek? Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer. Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:

 Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer. Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek:

 Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer. Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself? You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.

 Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself? You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself? You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.

 Oh, I’m sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself? You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me. Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here. I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.

 You don’t understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me. Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here. I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.

 Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here. I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.

 Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you’re playing in the tournament. Sign here. I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here. My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

 I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here. My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

 Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here. My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.

 Ooh, it’ll be like a reunion then. Sign here. My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton. Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here. It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

 My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton. Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here. It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

 Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here. It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

 Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here. It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle. Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here. In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.

 It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle. Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here. In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.

 Okay, I get it, he’s a bad guy. Sign here. In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him.

 Sheldon, it’s your play. Sheldon. My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game. Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top! Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!

 My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game. Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top! Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!

 Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top! Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames!

 Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top! Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames! You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters. Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?

 Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition’s flames! You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters. Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?

 You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters. Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge?

 You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It’s a totally different set of characters. Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge? Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship. So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.

 Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge? Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship. So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.

 Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we’ll face off for the championship. So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed.

 Lava serpent. Nest of snakes. Underworld guardian. Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.

 Nest of snakes. Underworld guardian. Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.

 Underworld guardian. Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death.

 Underworld guardian. Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death. Invisibility spell. Luminescence spell.

 Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death. Invisibility spell. Luminescence spell.

 Invisibility spell. Luminescence spell. Water nymph. Fire demon.

 Brimstone. Problem, Wil Wheaton? Hang on. You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.

 Problem, Wil Wheaton? Hang on. You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.

 Hang on. You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.

 Hang on. You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game. I think he’s got me. The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.

 You’re holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game. I think he’s got me. The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.

 I think he’s got me. The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.

 I think he’s got me. The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure. What? You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.

 The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure. What? You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge.

 What? You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge. You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral. Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.

 You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge. You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral. Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.

 You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral. Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible.

 You went to the ’95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral. Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible. Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you. No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.

 Your mee-maw died? That’s terrible. Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you. No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.

 Yeah, it was. But I’m really sorry that I disappointed you. No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I’d be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie.

 It’s special relationship, isn’t it, between a boy and his grandmother? Oh, yes. Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off! It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.

 Oh, yes. Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off! It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.

 Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off! It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.

 It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor.

 Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off! It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor. What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him! I can’t.

 It’s okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor. What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him! I can’t.

 What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell’s heart, stab at him! I can’t.

 I can’t. Sure you can. Do it! Do it! No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny. No! Not enchanted bunny!

 Sure you can. Do it! Do it! No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny. No! Not enchanted bunny!

 No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny. No! Not enchanted bunny!

 Hey, guys. What you doing? Going out to discover electricity? If you’re referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho. We’re heading out for some kite fighting. Kite fighting?

 If you’re referring to the work of Benjamin Franklin, he did not discover electricity, he merely used a kite to determine that lightning consists of electricity. He also invented the Franklin stove, bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter. Kites, ho. We’re heading out for some kite fighting. Kite fighting?

 No, no, I’m not, so, great. You’ve got plans doing something you like, I’ve got plans doing something I like, so it’s good. Well, maybe we’ll hang out later, you know, after everybody’s gone. Yeah, great. See ya.

 Well, maybe we’ll hang out later, you know, after everybody’s gone. Yeah, great. See ya.

 Yeah, great. See ya. Well, this sucks. I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

 See ya. Well, this sucks. I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

 Well, this sucks. I’m sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

 Leonard just realized that Penny’s been hiding him from her friends because he’s a tiny, little man who flies kites. Oh, that certainly would suck.

 Why wouldn’t Penny want her friends to meet me? Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed. Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her. You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

 Focus, Leonard, focus! The heat of battle is upon us, the dogs of war are unleashed. Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her. You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

 Maybe Koothrappali’s right, maybe I embarrass her. You’re embarrassing me right now, a grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

 No, she didn’t. Yes, she did. Come on, scissors, scissors! Hold my line.

 What was I supposed to do? She gave me that come-hither look. If she gave you any look at l. It was a you suck look. I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy. Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.

 If she gave you any look at l. It was a you suck look. I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy. Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.

 I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy. Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy.

 I would’ve caught up to her if I hadn’t pulled a hammy. Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy. So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be? Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.

 Oh, please, you weigh 80 pounds. You don’t have a hammy. So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be? Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.

 So, Penny doesn’t want me around her friends, I embarrass her. What else could it be? Well, her actions could be out of concern for your feelings. Perhaps she’s excluded you from these gatherings because she’s scouting for a new mate and doesn’t want to do it in front of you.

 Oh, how kind of her. Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do? You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a shot with. I totally had a shot.

 Agreed. Most primates don’t show that sort of discretion. A female bonobo will copulate with a new male in front of the old one without so much as a how do you do? You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a shot with. I totally had a shot.

 You always do this, you know? You ditch me for a woman you don’t have a shot with. I totally had a shot.

 Fine. Paint green flames on your little scooter with her. (Leaves) It’s not a little scooter. It’s the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football? There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.

 It’s not a little scooter. It’s the second biggest Vespa they make! Are you watching football? There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.

 There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there.

 There’s no fooling you. Now, what is this sacks statistic they put up there? All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there. Sacks, sacks… It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

 All I know about Saks is, my mother shops there. Sacks, sacks… It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

 Sacks, sacks… It’s football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

 Oh. Sheldon knows football? Apparently. I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?

 Sheldon knows football? Apparently. I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football?

 Apparently. I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football? Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

 I mean, Quidditch, sure. But football? Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

 Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.

 Sheldon, how do you know this stuff? I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot. Unbelievable. If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

 I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot. Unbelievable. If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

 Unbelievable. If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken.

 Unbelievable. If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken. So you could teach me? Football or chicken-fried meats?

 If you’re interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn’t chicken as if it were chicken. So you could teach me? Football or chicken-fried meats?

 So you could teach me? Football or chicken-fried meats? Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

 Football or chicken-fried meats? Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

 Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

 Football. I’m going to Penny’s on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in. If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage. Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun. That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

 If you want to blend in with Penny’s friends, I’d think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage. Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun. That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

 Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun. That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

 Come on, Sheldon, please teach me about football. It’ll be fun. That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life. Please, I’m asking you as a friend. Are you making this a tier one friendship request?

 That’s exactly what my father said. Come to the games, watch the games, week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life. Please, I’m asking you as a friend. Are you making this a tier one friendship request?

 Please, I’m asking you as a friend. Are you making this a tier one friendship request?

 Please, I’m asking you as a friend. Are you making this a tier one friendship request? Yes. Fine.

 Yes. Fine. I really appreciate this. Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

 Fine. I really appreciate this. Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

 I really appreciate this. Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

 Yeah, yeah. All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen. I’m sorry? That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.

 I’m sorry? That’s how my father always began our football conversations. And if you’d like, after the game, I’ll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a racoon that it craps itself.

 When are you going to stop making Cylon toast? When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s? What’s wrong with a football jersey? Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

 When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the battlestar known as Galactica. Is that what you’re wearing to watch football at Penny’s? What’s wrong with a football jersey? Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

 What’s wrong with a football jersey? Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

 What’s wrong with a football jersey? Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress. I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs. Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

 Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress. I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs. Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

 I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs. Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

 I’s the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs. I can’t believe they had one for dogs. Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way. Anyway, wish me luck. Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

 Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way. Anyway, wish me luck. Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

 Anyway, wish me luck. Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

 Anyway, wish me luck. Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her? Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way. How would you put it?

 Leonard, wait. Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny’s peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her? Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way. How would you put it?

 Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way. How would you put it?

 Well, I wouldn’t put it exactly that way. How would you put it? Yeah, okay, like you said. Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.

 How would you put it? Yeah, okay, like you said. Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.

 Yeah, okay, like you said. Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho.

 Yeah, okay, like you said. Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho. Good-Bye, Sheldon. Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

 Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don’t you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term ho. Good-Bye, Sheldon. Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

 Good-Bye, Sheldon. Hold on I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-Handed. Would you like to bring some Cylon toast?

 Totally. That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can’t believe they’re not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul. Here, have some pizza, sweetie. Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.

 That completely was a forward pass, which they threw intentionally incomplete to avoid loss of yardage or to conserve time. I can’t believe they’re not being penalized with the loss of a down and by having to move the line of scrimmage back to the spot of the foul. Here, have some pizza, sweetie. Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.

 Here, have some pizza, sweetie. Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant.

 Here, have some pizza, sweetie. Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant. I know. I just need you stop talking. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Penny, you know I’m lactose intolerant. I know. I just need you stop talking. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 I know. I just need you stop talking. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 I know. I just need you stop talking. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Sheldon, come in. Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Sheldon, come in. Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.

 Sheldon, come in. Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread.

 Sheldon, come in. Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread. There’s some in the fridge. You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

 Thank you. I’d like to make a sandwich, but I’m out of bread. There’s some in the fridge. You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

 There’s some in the fridge. You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

 There’s some in the fridge. You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures. On Earth, we say thank you. So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?

 You shouldn’t keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures. On Earth, we say thank you. So Leonard, how goes the mimesis?

 On Earth, we say thank you. So Leonard, how goes the mimesis? Mimesis? You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.

 So Leonard, how goes the mimesis? Mimesis? You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.

 Mimesis? You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis.

 Mimesis? You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis. What the hell are you talking about? I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 You know. Mimesis. An action in which the mimic takes on the properties of a specific object or organism. Mimesis. What the hell are you talking about? I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 What the hell are you talking about? I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

 What the hell are you talking about? I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Oh, I guess so. Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?

 I’m attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Oh, I guess so. Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?

 Oh, I guess so. Good. Oh, FYI. After I eat my sandwich, I’m taking Koothrappali’s Patang kite out for a test run. Would you like to get your delta-wing raptor and join me?

 Oh, Research Lab is more than a game. It’s like the slogan says, the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real. We must not be playing it right. All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed. Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.

 We must not be playing it right. All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed. Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.

 All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed. Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider.

 All right, five. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, wow, look at that, my Department of Defence research grant is renewed. Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider. Yay. You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.

 Oh! Great roll! Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large Hadron Collider. Yay. You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.

 Yay. You’re a natural at this, Penny. And as the first beta testers, you two’ll have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.

 Actually, I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport. There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can’t play ’cause I’m going with her, right? Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers. Wait. What are you talking about?

 There you go, she has to pick up her friend Justin at the airport, aAnd I can’t play ’cause I’m going with her, right? Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers. Wait. What are you talking about?

 Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers. Wait. What are you talking about?

 Um, yeah, if you want. I mean, there may not be room. He’s got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers. Wait. What are you talking about? My friend, Justin. Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.

 Wait. What are you talking about? My friend, Justin. Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.

 My friend, Justin. Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday.

 Pay attention, Leonard. That’s why she can’t play on Sunday. Who is this Justin? Your turn, Leonard. I told you about him.

 Your turn, Leonard. I told you about him. No, you didn’t. Roll the dice, Leonard.

 So by friend, do you mean friend friend, gay friend, or ex boyfriend who you’re now platonic with but still might have a thing for you friend”? Well, he’s definitely not gay. Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee. Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.

 Well, he’s definitely not gay. Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee. Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.

 Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend’s couch. Yippee. Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.

 Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out.

 Okay, we went out a little bit, a long time ago, but we were never like going out. Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked. I’ll just roll for you. Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?

 Okay, not to be pedantic, but the last I checked went out was in fact the past tense of going out, which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked. I’ll just roll for you. Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?

 I’ll just roll for you. Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me?

 Do you have a problem with Justin staying with me? What was your first clue? Uh-oh! Industrial accident. You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.

 What was your first clue? Uh-oh! Industrial accident. You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.

 Uh-oh! Industrial accident. You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot.

 Uh-oh! Industrial accident. You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot. I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic! You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.

 You know what? Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot. I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic! You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.

 I’m not talking to you like you’re an idiot! I’m saying the whole idea is idiotic! You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser. Lose one turn and a retina.

 The two aren’t mutually exclusive! Oh, you are such a… (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing? He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting. Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!

 Oh, you are such a… (Sheldon has placed ice in the blender and turned it on) What the hell is he doing? He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting. Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!

 He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting. Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!

 Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me!

 He’s drowning us out. He doesn’t like fighting. Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me! I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender. Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?

 Sheldon, just stop, look, the fight is over. Oh, and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me! I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender. Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?

 I heard of ’em. Didn’t know they were a band. Sheldon, she’s gone. You can turn off the blender. Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end?

 Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end? No, we just had a little spat. Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?

 No, we just had a little spat. Look on the bright side. As the result of Penny’s forfeit, you have become the world’s first winner of Research Lab. Would you like a commemorative snow cone?

 I don’t get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is going to be sleeping on her couch. Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car. I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?

 Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car. I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?

 I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun?

 I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun? An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely. All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.

 It’s called Scientists. Now, I will name three scientists, then you will put them in order of the size of their contribution to their respective fields. To make this game even more compelling, you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field, not the validity of the field itself. For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayn made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology. Okay, ready to have some fun? An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely. All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.

 An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely. All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.

 An old boyfriend who’s definitely not gay. That’s what a guy likes to hear, definitely. All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr. And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy! Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.

 All right, I’ll start with an easy one, um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr. And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy! Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.

 And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy! Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her.

 And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy! Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her. What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you! Leonard! Stop the car!

 Hint, Madame Curie had her husband to help her. What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you! Leonard! Stop the car!

 What am I supposed to say? Sure, Penny, I’m cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment. Well, Leonard, it doesn’t matter if you’re cool or not because I’m Penny and I’m pretty and I can do whatever the hell I want! Oh, I get it! You think you’re doing me a favour just by being in a relationship with me! No, no, Leonard! I’m doing you a favour just by being in the same room as you! Leonard! Stop the car!

 I believe my alarm is appropriate, given the situation. The movie starts in 17 minutes, which means we’ll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard, plus skip the concession stand, and preshow urination. Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull. Go, go, Power Rangers, go! Hey.

 Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull. Go, go, Power Rangers, go! Hey.

 Hey. Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies. No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter. Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?

 Hey. We’re, uh, going to the movies. No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter. Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?

 No, we’re not. We’re standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter. Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?

 Hang on. They’re showing a new digital print of Time Bandits, you wouldn’t want to come, would you?

 No, there’s a difference between being stupid and acting stupid. Oh, yeah? well, there’s a difference between being a jerk and being an ass! No, there isn’t! They’re synonyms! Well, that was rather unpleasant.

 Oh, yeah? well, there’s a difference between being a jerk and being an ass! No, there isn’t! They’re synonyms! Well, that was rather unpleasant.

 No, there isn’t! They’re synonyms! Well, that was rather unpleasant.

 Well, that was rather unpleasant. Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore. Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.

 Yeah, I don’t think I need my preshow urination anymore. Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we’re going to be late for the movies.

 Sorry doesn’t make up for the fact that I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy. Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice! Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say “Have you ever peed so much in your life?” Oh, my God, you are such a mama’s boy. Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!

 Yeah, well, you think I was having fun, sitting around all night listening to my mother say “Have you ever peed so much in your life?” Oh, my God, you are such a mama’s boy. Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!

 Oh, my God, you are such a mama’s boy. Hey, don’t bring my mother into this!

 Stop it, both of you. All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! Damn it, George, I told you if you didn’t quit drinkin’ I’d leave you! Well, I guess that makes you a liar, ’cause I’m drunk as hell and you’re still here! Stop yelling! You’re making Sheldon cry! I’ll tell you what’s making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon. Boy, what got him so upset? Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon’s upset.

 Boy, what got him so upset? Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon’s upset.

 Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon. With the other half of my tip. Hey, Sheldon, what are you doing here? This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm. Is Leonard coming? No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.

 This is a restaurant. It’s lunchtime. I would think, as a waitress, you’d be familiar with the paradigm. Is Leonard coming? No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.

 Is Leonard coming? No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize.

 Is Leonard coming? No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize. Well, that’s not gonna happen. I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.

 No, I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come crawling back to him and apologize. Well, that’s not gonna happen. I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.

 Well, that’s not gonna happen. I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here.

 Well, that’s not gonna happen. I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here. Which is? I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.

 I assumed that would be your attitude. Hence, my true purpose in coming here. Which is? I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.

 Which is? I want you to crawl back to him and apologize. I’m busy. Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.

 I want you to crawl back to him and apologize. I’m busy. Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch.

 I’m busy. Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch. Fine. What do you want? I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?

 Excuse me, miss. I’d like to order lunch. Fine. What do you want? I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?

 Fine. What do you want? I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich?

 Fine. What do you want? I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich? Yes. Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?

 I have a few questions. First, I notice that you offer soup and a half-sandwich? Yes. Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?

 Yes. Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?

 Yes. Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half? No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich. You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

 Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else’s sandwich, or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half? No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich. You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

 No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich. You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich.

 No, no, Sheldon, they just make a half-sandwich. You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich. Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? Of course not. I’ll have my usual.

 You can’t make a half-sandwich. If it’s not half of a whole sandwich, it’s just a small sandwich. Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? Of course not. I’ll have my usual.

 Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? Of course not. I’ll have my usual.

 Okay, fine, it’s soup and a small sandwich. Is that what you want? Of course not. I’ll have my usual. Great. Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?

 Of course not. I’ll have my usual. Great. Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage?

 Great. Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage? Don’t you usually get lemonade? Yes.

 Aren’t you going to ask me if I want a beverage? Don’t you usually get lemonade? Yes.

 Don’t you usually get lemonade? Yes. Do you want lemonade? Yes.

 Do you want lemonade? Yes. Anything else? Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard.

 Anything else? Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard. I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting. Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.

 Yes, I want you to apologize to Leonard. I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting. Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.

 I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting. Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.

 I am not going to apologize. I’ve done nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting. Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable. Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you. I don’t follow.

 Irrelevant. The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable. Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you. I don’t follow.

 Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you. I don’t follow.

 Well, I’m sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn’t about you. I don’t follow. Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go. All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.

 I don’t follow. Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go. All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.

 Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go. All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong.

 Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right there. Look, Sheldon, I have to go. All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong. Leonard is wrong. Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?

 All right, let’s assume, ad argumentum, that in this case, Leonard is wrong. Leonard is wrong. Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?

 Leonard is wrong. Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour?

 Leonard is wrong. Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour? I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed? Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?

 Considering the number of transgressions you’ve committed that he’s overlooked, don’t you think that, just this once, you could return the favour? I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed? Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?

 I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed? Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you?

 I’m coming. Goodbye, Sheldon. What do you mean, transgressions I’ve committed? Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you? Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about? Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.

 Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you? Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about? Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.

 Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about? Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing.

 Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you, you’re making a little cheque sign in the air, I got it, just hold your horses. What does Leonard complain about? Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing. My singing? That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.

 Your driving, the plethora of stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities, your constant tardiness, your singing. My singing? That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.

 My singing? That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it.

 My singing? That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it. Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so? Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.

 That’s actually from my list, but Leonard would be a fool if he didn’t agree with it. Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so? Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.

 Okay, if Leonard has so many problems with me, why hasn’t he just said so? Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper.

 Because, according to him, you’re oversensitive and have a temper. Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead! And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.

 Oh, really? Well, then, do me a favour and tell Leonard that he can drop dead! And she wonders why she’s constantly undertipped.

 Hey. Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour. Sure. Go apologize to Penny.

 Oh, good, you’re home. I need you to do me a favour. Sure. Go apologize to Penny.

 Oh, yeah, kind of. It’s, it’s no big thing. Oh, good, good. (She moves away) I love you. I’m not leaving until you talk to me. All right, what’s going on?

 Oh, good, good. (She moves away) I love you. I’m not leaving until you talk to me. All right, what’s going on?

 I’m not leaving until you talk to me. All right, what’s going on?

 I’m not leaving until you talk to me. All right, what’s going on? It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.

 All right, what’s going on? It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.

 It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you.

 It’s a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he’s in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we’re in, but he can’t perceive us. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you. Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting. I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

 Don’t flatter yourself. I’m just ignoring you. Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting. I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

 Come on, Sheldon, let’s go home. Look, we’re done fighting. I’ve heard that before, but then, the next thing you know I’m hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feinman lecture while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad’s meatloaf, and my dad’s on the roof skeet-shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

 I’d let it go. Why should I let it go? Why don’t you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God’s sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot) Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please, Always is a long time. Sure. Always.

 Why should I let it go? Why don’t you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep? (Sheldon turns on a loud toy robot) Oh, for God’s sakes. So, you have childhood issues, we all have childhood issues, at some point, you just need to grow up and get past them. (Sheldon turns on another robot) Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please, Always is a long time. Sure. Always.

 Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? Look, let’s just… Sheldon, please, Always is a long time. Sure. Always.

 You know, how about we buy you this robot, and then we all go home? I want that one. Okay, you can have that one. Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

 I want that one. Okay, you can have that one. Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

 Okay, you can have that one. Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

 Oh, come on, he’s just going to play with it twice, and then it’ll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

 Sheldon help! I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.. Come in! Hurry! Penny?

 I need to go, but you keep in mind that my sharply worded comments on yelp.com recently took down a local muffin store. (At Penny’s door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.. Come in! Hurry! Penny?

 Come in! Hurry! Penny? I’m back here. (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 Penny? I’m back here. (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 I’m back here. (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny..

 I’m back here. (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.. Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom! Shall I come back at a better time?

 (At Penny’s bedroom door, knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.. Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom! Shall I come back at a better time?

 Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom! Shall I come back at a better time?

 Oh, for god’s sakes, I’m in the bathroom! Shall I come back at a better time? Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock. Hello.

 Shall I come back at a better time? Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock. Hello.

 Get in here! Hurry! Don’t you dare knock. Hello. I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder. Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

 Hello. I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder. Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

 I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder. Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

 I slipped in the shower, and I think I dislocated my shoulder. Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction. What? Tubs are slippery.

 Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction. What? Tubs are slippery.

 What? Tubs are slippery. I know. I slipped. I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

 Tubs are slippery. I know. I slipped. I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

 I know. I slipped. I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

 I know. I slipped. I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub. Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up? They’re holding umbrellas.

 I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub. Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up? They’re holding umbrellas.

 Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up? They’re holding umbrellas.

 Yeah, okay, whatever. Will you just turn the water off and help me up? They’re holding umbrellas. What? The ducks in my tub.

 What? The ducks in my tub. Uh-huh. They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.

 The ducks in my tub. Uh-huh. They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.

 Uh-huh. They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas.

 Uh-huh. They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas. Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room. Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

 They’re whimsical because ducks have neither the need for, nor the ability to use umbrellas. Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room. Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

 Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room. Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so.

 Oh, my god. I got to go to the emergency room. Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so. Okay, can you drive me? I don’t drive.

 Well, assuming you’re correct that your right humerus is no longer seated in the glenoid socket, I would certainly think so. Okay, can you drive me? I don’t drive.

 Okay, can you drive me? I don’t drive. Well, I can’t drive! Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.

 I don’t drive. Well, I can’t drive! Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse.

 Well, I can’t drive! Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse. Ow. But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.

 Well, it seems we’ve reached an impasse. Ow. But I could call you a cab or an ambulance.

 Ow. But I could call you a cab or an ambulance. No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please. All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.

 But I could call you a cab or an ambulance. No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please. All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.

 No, no, no, I can’t wait that long, you got to help me, please. All right. Let it never be said that Sheldon Lee Cooper ignored the pleas of a damsel in distress.

 Not much to tell. They had a VW Microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirts. Huh. Mmm. Good cookies.

 I don’t need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt. My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident. One was already in an accident. That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.

 My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident. One was already in an accident. That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.

 One was already in an accident. That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving.

 One was already in an accident. That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving. Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes! Okay, here.

 That doesn’t mean one won’t be in another, especially if I’m driving. Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes! Okay, here.

 Clothes, Sheldon. I need clothes! Okay, here. Seriously? Those shorts with that top? All right.

 Seriously? Those shorts with that top? All right. No… No… Oh, that’s cute. We should have you checked for a concussion.

 All right. No… No… Oh, that’s cute. We should have you checked for a concussion.

 No… No… Oh, that’s cute. We should have you checked for a concussion.

 No… No… Oh, that’s cute. We should have you checked for a concussion. Okay, now, you got to help me put these on. All right.

 We should have you checked for a concussion. Okay, now, you got to help me put these on. All right.

 Okay, now, you got to help me put these on. All right. But don’t look. Don’t look?

 But don’t look. Don’t look? I don’t want you to see me naked. Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.

 Don’t look? I don’t want you to see me naked. Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.

 I don’t want you to see me naked. Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice.

 I don’t want you to see me naked. Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice. Yeah, great. They always look. It never ends well.

 Oh. Well, that’s understandable. You may be interested to know that a prohibition against looking is well established in heroic mythology. Uh, Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Eurydice. Yeah, great. They always look. It never ends well.

 Yeah, great. They always look. It never ends well. Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve. Ok.

 They always look. It never ends well. Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve. Ok.

 Ok, now you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve. Ok. Is that my arm? It doesn’t feel like an arm.

 What’s so funny? It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?

 It’s your American accent. Everything you say sounds stupid. (With an American accent) Stars are pretty, aren’t they?

 You have your learner’s permit, right? Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator. Good. Didn’t work out well.

 Yes, and I have logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator. Good. Didn’t work out well.

 Good. Didn’t work out well. All right, can we please go? One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

 Didn’t work out well. All right, can we please go? One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

 All right, can we please go? One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

 All right, can we please go? One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror? It’s right there. Where is the passenger side mirror?

 One moment. According to my driver’s ed book, a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the is driver’s door handle is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Oh, no, too far, bringing it back. Optimized. Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror? It’s right there. Where is the passenger side mirror?

 One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits, they hate me and don’t come. I am embarrassed, so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch. People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie, how’s it goin’? To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

 People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie, how’s it goin’? To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

 To this day, I can’t look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

 Could you please drive a little faster? Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that? Nothing. The engine does that sometimes. That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

 Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast. What’s that? Nothing. The engine does that sometimes. That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

 Nothing. The engine does that sometimes. That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

 Nothing. The engine does that sometimes. That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station. No. The light has been on since I bought the car. All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

 That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station. No. The light has been on since I bought the car. All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

 No. The light has been on since I bought the car. All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

 No. The light has been on since I bought the car. All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes. It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock. Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

 All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes. It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock. Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

 It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock. Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

 It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock. Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately. Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm. Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

 Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately. Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm. Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

 Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm. Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?

 Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm. Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question? What? Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

 Oh, oh, red light, release accelerator and slowly apply the brake. Nailed it. While we have a moment, may I ask you a question? What? Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

 What? Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?

 What? Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock? It’s not soup, it’s courage. No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

 Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock? It’s not soup, it’s courage. No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

 It’s not soup, it’s courage. No, it isn’t. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.

 I dislocated my shoulder. All right. And how did the accident occur? You ready know that. Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

 All right. And how did the accident occur? You ready know that. Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

 You ready know that. Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

 You ready know that. Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes? No. Kidney disease?

 Cause of accident, lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes? No. Kidney disease?

 Getting one. Are you currently pregnant? No. Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

 Are you currently pregnant? No. Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

 No. Are you sure? You look a bit puffy. Change migraine to yes. When was your last menstrual period?

 Are you sure? You look a bit puffy. Change migraine to yes. When was your last menstrual period?

 Change migraine to yes. When was your last menstrual period? Oh, next question. I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.

 When was your last menstrual period? Oh, next question. I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.

 Oh, next question. I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera.

 Oh, next question. I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera. Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? Episodes of sub psychotic rage.

 I’ll put, in progress. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioural diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etcetera. Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? Episodes of sub psychotic rage.

 Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? Episodes of sub psychotic rage.

 Oh, my god, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder? Episodes of sub psychotic rage. Ass. Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.

 Episodes of sub psychotic rage. Ass. Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.

 Ass. Possible Tourette’s. All right, moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock.

 Maybe a tupperware bowl of roasted potatoes and carrots? Yes! Yes!

 Wait. You have to help me get into bed. Sheldon has to get me into bed. Bet you never thought I’d say that. Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds. You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs. That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 Yes. The charm of your drug addled candour knows no bounds. You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs. That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 You know, people think you’re this weird robot man who’s so annoying all the time, and you totally are, but then it’s like that movie Wall-E at the end. You’re so full of love, and you can save a plant and get fat people out of the floaty chairs. That’s a fairly laboured metaphor, but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

 With Penny and me, it took two years. Now that I think about it, that was three dates. Okay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment? No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open. I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?

 Okay, well, before you and Penny hooked up, did she ask for any kind of commitment? No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open. I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?

 No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open. I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?

 I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about?

 No, she was pretty clear about wanting to keep her options open. I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about? The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates. I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?

 I have something to announce, but out of respect for convention, I will wait for you to finish your current conversation. What are you talking about? The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates. I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?

 The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates. I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit?

 The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after three dates. I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit? Never mind, what’s your announcement? Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…

 I see. Now, are we talking date, the social interaction, or date, the dried fruit? Never mind, what’s your announcement? Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…

 Never mind, what’s your announcement? Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know…

 Never mind, what’s your announcement? Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know… Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week. Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.

 Oh, good, my turn. Well, this is very exciting and I wanted you to be among the first to know… Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week. Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.

 Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week. Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.

 Hey, Cooper, I hear you’re going to be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week. Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends. My pweasure. My thank you was not sincere.

 Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends. My pweasure. My thank you was not sincere.

 My pweasure. My thank you was not sincere. But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical. Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

 My thank you was not sincere. But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical. Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

 But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical. Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

 But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question, at what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the bawwel for its guests? Eh, don’t answer, it’s wetowical. Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that. Are you really going to be on NPR? Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.

 Why are you such a stupid head? That is also rhetorical. I’m sorry you had to hear that. Are you really going to be on NPR? Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.

 Are you really going to be on NPR? Yes, they’re interviewing me by phone from my office, regarding the recent so-called discovery of magnetic monopoles in spin-ices. It’s pledge week and they’re trying to goose the ratings with a little controversy.

 Thank you. My mother is very excited. She’s convening her Bible study group to listen in, and then pray for my soul. I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.

 I was on the radio once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Delhi and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays, “Fever 104, आज के नये अच्छे संगीत का घर.” That means: “Fever 104, home of the really good current music.” It’s much catchier in Hindi.

 Yes. Look this over and tell me what’s unclear to you. You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don’t have to do it. In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad. Hi, guys.

 You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don’t have to do it. In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad. Hi, guys.

 In fact, it’s better if you don’t, otherwise it makes the rest of us look bad. Hi, guys.

 Again, I’m right here. My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath. I am here, right? You see me. Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.

 My point is, I do not judge a book by its cover. I am interested in the person underneath. I am here, right? You see me. Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.

 I am here, right? You see me. Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.

 Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too.

 I am here, right? You see me. Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too. All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong… Excuse me, may I interject?

 Hey, I’m interested in what’s inside people, too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry? (To Raj) Yes, you’re delicious caramel, too. All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong… Excuse me, may I interject?

 All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong… Excuse me, may I interject?

 All right, you know what, I will tell you why it’s wrong… Excuse me, may I interject? What? Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.

 Excuse me, may I interject? What? Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.

 What? Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.

 This is Ira Flatow and you’re listening to NPR’s Science Friday. Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Oh, this is going to be a wiot. Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper. My pleasure, Ira.

 Oh, this is going to be a wiot. Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper. My pleasure, Ira.

 My pleasure, Ira. Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is? Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole. Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.

 Now, let’s talk about magnetic monopoles. Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is? Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole. Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.

 Of course. First, consider an ordinary magnet which has, (the pitch of his voice begins to rise) as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles, (pitch rises further) a north and south pole. If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole. Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.

 Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.

 I’m taking a bath! I hope that’s all you’re doing! We share that tub! Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.

 I hope that’s all you’re doing! We share that tub! Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.

 Don’t remind me! (Katee has vanished) Oh, man. All soaped up and no place to go.

 I was humiliated on national radio. How do you think I’m doing? Come on, it wasn’t that bad. What do you want? We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.

 Come on, it wasn’t that bad. What do you want? We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.

 What do you want? We represent the Lollipop Guild, and we want you.

 Okay, so Kripke played a joke on you. It wasn’t funny. I thought it was funny. Raj.

 Did you laugh? I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back. I refuse to sink to his level. You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.

 I fell on the floor. All right, he got you, you can get him back. I refuse to sink to his level. You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.

 I refuse to sink to his level. You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.

 You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away.

 I refuse to sink to his level. You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away. Are you really admitting defeat? I never admit defeat.

 You can’t sink. With all that helium in you, you’re lucky you don’t float away. Are you really admitting defeat? I never admit defeat.

 I don’t think that’s possible, dude. You’re not helping. I didn’t come to help, I came to mock. Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 You’re not helping. I didn’t come to help, I came to mock. Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 I didn’t come to help, I came to mock. Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 I didn’t come to help, I came to mock. Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply. Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.

 Sheldon, what you need to do is figure out a way to exact vengeance on Kripke, like, uh, like, how the Joker got back at Batman for putting him in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply. Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.

 That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply. Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke.

 That’s true. He didn’t just stay there and talk about his feelings with the other psychotic villains. He, he broke out and poisoned Gotham’s water supply. Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke. No, no. It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.

 Well, I suppose I could poison Kripke. No, no. It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.

 No, no. It’s a simple matter. There are several toxic chemicals that’d be untraceable in an autopsy.

 What’s this? Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen. Foamy vengeance. Yes, exactly.

 Mountain Dew. Ah, refreshing. Now, we’re going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen. Foamy vengeance. Yes, exactly.

 Foamy vengeance. Yes, exactly. This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office? Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

 Yes, exactly. This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office? Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

 This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office? Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.

 This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke’s office? Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling. Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor. You flatter me, sir.

 Already taken care of. Observe. This is a live shot of Kripke’s lab via a mini webcam I was able to install, thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor’s shirt pocket. At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling. Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor. You flatter me, sir.

 Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor. You flatter me, sir.

 Oh, Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor. You flatter me, sir. Let me guess, motion sensors? The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.

 You flatter me, sir. Let me guess, motion sensors? The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.

 Let me guess, motion sensors? The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room. Mwah, ha, ha.

 It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity. Here comes Kripke! Who is that with him? I believe that’s the president of the university.

 Here comes Kripke! Who is that with him? I believe that’s the president of the university.

 Who is that with him? I believe that’s the president of the university.

 Who is that with him? I believe that’s the president of the university. And the board of directors. Abort! Abort! There is no abort.

 I believe that’s the president of the university. And the board of directors. Abort! Abort! There is no abort.

 Oh, I am so sorry. Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me. …Bernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!

 Are you kidding? That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for me. …Bernadette! Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!

 Hey, Leonard, check this out. (Throws some food in the air and catches it in her mouth) Leonard, she’s doing it again. I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food. No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.

 Leonard, she’s doing it again. I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food. No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.

 I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food. No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India.

 No. It upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution. This is essentially why you have famine in India. You want me to put it back? Leonard. It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.

 You want me to put it back? Leonard. It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.

 Yeah. Hey. Bernadette, say fo’shizzle to my nerdizzles. I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred. I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.

 Bernadette, say fo’shizzle to my nerdizzles. I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred. I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.

 I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred. I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.

 I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner.

 I don’t think I can. I don’t have Howard’s street cred. I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner. Sure. The more, the merrier. Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.

 I hope it’s all right, I told my girlfriend Bernadette she could join us for dinner. Sure. The more, the merrier. Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.

 Sure. The more, the merrier. Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.

 Sure. The more, the merrier. Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating. Sheldon… Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.

 Wait, no, that’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating. Sheldon… Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.

 Sheldon… Don’t Sheldon me. We ordered for five people, not six.

 Oh, yeah, you can’t sit there. Why not? That’s where Sheldon sits. He can’t sit somewhere else?

 Why not? That’s where Sheldon sits. He can’t sit somewhere else?

 Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren’t they? Where’d you get them? Shoes for Less. I’ve been meaning to go over there.

 Where’d you get them? Shoes for Less. I’ve been meaning to go over there.

 So, Leonard, Howard says you’re working on fundamental tests of quantum mechanics. I am. Are you interested in physics? Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing. Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.

 I am. Are you interested in physics? Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing. Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.

 Oh, I find it fascinating. If I hadn’t gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics. Or ice dancing. Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.

 Actually, my tests of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect have reached an interesting point. Right now, we’re testing the phase shift due to an electric potential.

 That’s amazing. Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear. Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions? Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?

 Yes. Leonard’s work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels. (Raj whispers to him) While I appreciate the oh, snap, I’m uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear. Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions? Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?

 Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions? Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop?

 Are you going to try to set up the voltages using tunnel junctions? Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop? Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast. Howard?

 Yes, I am. You want to see a simulation on my laptop? Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast. Howard?

 Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast. Howard?

 Oh, yeah, show me. In microbiology, the most exciting thing I get to work with is yeast. Howard? Yeah? Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?

 Howard? Yeah? Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?

 Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them? What? Bazinga. I don’t care.

 That’s not fair. I got stuck behind a tree. And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive. Just need a little more practice. What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.

 And a cow and a penguin. Face it dude, whether it’s a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can’t drive. Just need a little more practice. What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.

 Just need a little more practice. What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.

 What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart.

 Just need a little more practice. What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart. Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second? It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.

 What you need is cheat codes, motor skills and a magic genie who grants wishes to little boys who suck at Mario Kart. Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second? It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.

 Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second? It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again.

 Hey, Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second? It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again. It’s not about shoes. Then speak.

 It’s not about shoes, is it? I don’t think I could go through that again. It’s not about shoes. Then speak.

 It’s not about shoes. Then speak. Um, actually, can we do it in private? All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.

 Then speak. Um, actually, can we do it in private? All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.

 Um, actually, can we do it in private? All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy.

 Um, actually, can we do it in private? All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy. Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics? A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.

 All right. (To Raj) Go away. I agree, it’s rude, but she asked for privacy. Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics? A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.

 Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics? A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.

 Thanks, Raj. Okay, so here’s the thing, I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics? A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies. Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does. Why can’t Leonard teach you?

 A little physics? There’s no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe, from quantum particles to supernovas, from spinning electrons to spinning galaxies. Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does. Why can’t Leonard teach you?

 Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does. Why can’t Leonard teach you?

 Yeah, okay, cool. I don’t need the PBS special, I just want to know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. You know, like Bernadette does. Why can’t Leonard teach you? ‘Cause I want to surprise him. Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

 Why can’t Leonard teach you? ‘Cause I want to surprise him. Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

 ‘Cause I want to surprise him. Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

 ‘Cause I want to surprise him. Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment. Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me. Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.

 Can’t you surprise him in some other way? For example, I’m sure he’d be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment. Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me. Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.

 Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me. Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable.

 Come on, Sheldon, this is important to me. Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable. You’re sitting here playing video games all day. Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?

 Penny, this would be a massive undertaking, and my time is both limited and valuable. You’re sitting here playing video games all day. Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?

 You’re sitting here playing video games all day. Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school?

 You’re sitting here playing video games all day. Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school? Sure. I did the one with the frogs. The one with the frogs.

 Okay, point. What sort of foundation do you have? Did you take any science classes in school? Sure. I did the one with the frogs. The one with the frogs.

 Sure. I did the one with the frogs. The one with the frogs. Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer. I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.

 The one with the frogs. Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer. I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.

 Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer. I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so.

 Yeah, actually, it was pretty cool. A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer. I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so. Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment. Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.

 I’m sorry, Penny, I don’t think so. Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment. Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.

 Oh, come on! A smart guy like you, it’ll be a challenge. You can make it like an experiment. Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to KoKo the gorilla, I could teach you some rudimentary physics.

 I hope not, because you don’t want to mess with me. I’m crazy. I believe you.

 Hey, Sheldon. Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting. Ready to get started? One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?

 Come in. Take a seat. Subject has arrived. I’ve extended a friendly casual greeting. Ready to get started? One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?

 Ready to get started? One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook?

 Ready to get started? One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook? Um, I don’t have one. How are you going to take notes without a notebook?

 One moment. Subject appears well-rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance is bliss. All right, let us begin. Where’s your notebook? Um, I don’t have one. How are you going to take notes without a notebook?

 Um, I don’t have one. How are you going to take notes without a notebook?

 Um, I don’t have one. How are you going to take notes without a notebook? I have to take notes? How else are you gonna study for the tests?

 How are you going to take notes without a notebook? I have to take notes? How else are you gonna study for the tests?

 I have to take notes? How else are you gonna study for the tests?

 I have to take notes? How else are you gonna study for the tests? There’s gonna be a test? Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

 How else are you gonna study for the tests? There’s gonna be a test? Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

 There’s gonna be a test? Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating.

 There’s gonna be a test? Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating. Thank you. You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.

 Tests. Here. It’s college-ruled. I hope that’s not too intimidating. Thank you. You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.

 Thank you. You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.

 Thank you. You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins. Ancient Greece? Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?

 You’re welcome. Now, Introduction to Physics. What is physics? Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physika. It’s at this point that you’ll want to start taking notes. Physika means the science of natural things. And it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins. Ancient Greece? Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?

 Ancient Greece? Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny?

 Ancient Greece? Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny? Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work? This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

 Hush. If you have questions, raise your hand. It’s a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC, you’ve finished your shopping at the local market, or agora, and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes, or wanderer. Yes, Penny? Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work? This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

 Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work? This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

 Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard’s work? This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off. Twenty six hundred years? Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?

 This is the beginning of a twenty six hundred year journey we’re going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off. Twenty six hundred years? Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?

 Twenty six hundred years? Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny?

 Twenty six hundred years? Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny? I have to go to the bathroom. Can’t you hold it?

 Yeah, give or take. As I was saying, it’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Yes, Penny? I have to go to the bathroom. Can’t you hold it?

 Are you saying I need to ask your permission to hang out with Leonard? I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.

 I didn’t say anything like that. I said Leonard has to ask my permission. (Bernadette storms out) Come on, I don’t want to eat lamb stew with my mother. Damn, I was this close on the bra.

 Uh, we know that… Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh! Is that where Fig Newtons come from? No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down! Sorry. Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?

 No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don’t write that down! Sorry. Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply?

 Sorry. Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply? I don’t know. How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 Now, if MA equals MG what does that imply? I don’t know. How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 I don’t know. How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 I don’t know. How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head? Hey! You don’t have to be so mean! I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 How can you not know? I just told you. Have you suffered a recent blow to the head? Hey! You don’t have to be so mean! I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 Hey! You don’t have to be so mean! I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head?

 Hey! You don’t have to be so mean! I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head? No, you just suck at teaching. Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?

 I’m sorry. (Smiling) Have you suffered a recent blow to the head? No, you just suck at teaching. Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?

 No, you just suck at teaching. Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely?

 No, you just suck at teaching. Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely? Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit? All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…

 Really? Of those two explanations, which one seems the most likely? Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit? All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…

 Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit? All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece…

 Oh, God, Sheldon, look I’m trying to understand, but you’re going too fast. Can you just back up a little bit? All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Not that far back! Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?

 All right. It’s a warm summer evening in ancient Greece… Not that far back! Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?

 Not that far back! Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost?

 Not that far back! Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost? I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky? Greece.

 Okay! At what point did you begin to feel lost? I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky? Greece.

 I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky? Greece.

 I don’t know. Where were we looking up at the night sky? Greece. Damn it! There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?

 Greece. Damn it! There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?

 Damn it! There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG?

 Damn it! There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG? Squared? No.

 There’s no need to get frustrated, people learn at different rates. Unlike objects falling in a vacuum, which…? MA equals MG? Squared? No.

 Then I don’t know. Why are you crying? Because I’m stupid! That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

 Why are you crying? Because I’m stupid! That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

 Because I’m stupid! That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.

 Because I’m stupid! That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad. Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does? All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.

 That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad. Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does? All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.

 Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does? All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.

 Okay, look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does? All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do. Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated. It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.

 All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do. Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated. It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.

 Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated. It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.

 Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated. It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it. Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles? A good question.

 It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it. Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles? A good question.

 Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles? A good question.

 Okay, I just have one question. What exactly are sub-atomic particles? A good question. Thank you. And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?

 A good question. Thank you. And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?

 Thank you. And to answer it, we first must ask ourselves, what is physics?

 Raj, you should’ve seen Leonard’s experiment. The interference pattern was so cool when the electron beam was on. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do. Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

 I’m glad you enjoyed it. Most people aren’t that interested in what I do. Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

 Actually, that’s not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I’ve been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment, the transport of electrons through the aperture the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands. Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analogue of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum-interference effect. That’s it. That’s all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

 Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure. Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. You really didn’t like it, Sheldon? No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.

 Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. You really didn’t like it, Sheldon? No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.

 You really didn’t like it, Sheldon? No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character, and I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz kill that was.

 Really? Why not? Mmm, in my family, holidays weren’t so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society. Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents? Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

 Mmm, in my family, holidays weren’t so much celebrated as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society. Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents? Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

 Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents? Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

 Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

 Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents? Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other. Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree? Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.

 Mmm, in a way. We presented papers, and then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other. Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree? Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.

 Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree? Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures.

 Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree? Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures. So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree. I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.

 Oh, yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighbourhood-wide seizures. So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree. I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.

 So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree. I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this.

 So I take it you don’t want to help us trim the tree. I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this. What is it? You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.

 I do not. But if you insist on decorating a spider-infested fire hazard in my home I would request that you add this. What is it? You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.

 What is it? You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton.

 What is it? You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton. Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy. Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.

 You’re kidding, right? It’s a bust of Sir Isaac Newton. Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy. Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.

 Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy. Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree.

 Oh, sure, sure, yeah. Very Christmassy. Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree. Here we go. December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

 Wait, excuse me, but it’s much more Christmassy than anything you’ve put on the tree. Here we go. December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

 Here we go. December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.

 Here we go. December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake. Merry Newton-mas, everyone. I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.

 December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake. Merry Newton-mas, everyone. I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.

 Merry Newton-mas, everyone. I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why.

 Merry Newton-mas, everyone. I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why. No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane. No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.

 I sense that’s not sincere, although I have no idea why. No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane. No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.

 No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane. No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree.

 No, it’s fine. Look, Sir Isaac can go right next to this little candy cane. No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree. No, he doesn’t. I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

 No. Isaac goes at the top of the tree. No, he doesn’t. I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

 No, he doesn’t. I understand. You dispute Newton’s claim that he invented calculus and you want to put Gottfried Leibniz on the top.

 Tomorrow. When were you going to tell me? Um, tomorrow? Why were you keeping this a secret?

 When were you going to tell me? Um, tomorrow? Why were you keeping this a secret?

 Why were you keeping this a secret? Well, I just, I thought… If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate. Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.

 Well, I just, I thought… If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate. Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.

 If I can interject here, obviously Leonard is concerned that his mother won’t approve of you as his mate. Why wouldn’t she approve of me? I’m adorable.

 Um… You didn’t tell her we were going out, did you? Um… Why not?

 Why not? Um… Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.

 Um… Leonard, I’m no expert on meditation, but if you’re trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.

 No trouble at all. I drove, Mother. I’m driving now. Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory. My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.

 I drove, Mother. I’m driving now. Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory. My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.

 Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory. My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate.

 Yes, dear. Mommy’s proud. I’ve been meaning to thank you for your notes on my paper disproving quantum brain dynamic theory. My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate. Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper? August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.

 My pleasure. For a non-physicist, you have a remarkable grasp of how electric dipoles in the brain’s water molecules could not possibly form a Bose condensate. Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper? August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.

 Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper? August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery.

 Wait, wait, wait. When did you send my mom notes on a paper? August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery. Oh, did I thank you for the flowers? You did.

 August 16th. Right after her carpal tunnel surgery. Oh, did I thank you for the flowers? You did.

 Yes, and Sheldon sent me flowers. No, I heard that. Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about? I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.

 No, I heard that. Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about? I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.

 Then what was all that wait, wait, wait about? I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.

 I just don’t understand why he knows more about your life than I do.

 Fine, Mom. How are you? Mmm, menopausal. Now I’m less fine. Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?

 Mmm, menopausal. Now I’m less fine. Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?

 Now I’m less fine. Have you heard your brother has gotten engaged?

 No. Sheldon, why didn’t you tell me? My bad. I did send a gift from both of us. She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist. You must be very happy.

 My bad. I did send a gift from both of us. She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist. You must be very happy.

 She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist. You must be very happy.

 She’s a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic bronze medallist. You must be very happy. Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting? Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…

 You must be very happy. Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting? Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…

 Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting? Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but…

 Why? I’m not marrying her. So, how about you? Are you seeing anyone interesting? Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but… Not the time, Sheldon. Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

 Well, I’m not sure about interesting, but… Not the time, Sheldon. Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

 Not the time, Sheldon. Very well. Shall we switch topics to Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz?

 No! Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear. No, it sounded like a compliment. When did this happen?

 Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress? Oh, no offense, dear. No, it sounded like a compliment. When did this happen?

 When did this happen? Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father? September 22nd. Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.

 Mmm, well, let’s see. Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard’s father? September 22nd. Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.

 September 22nd. Oh, yes, that’s right. The weekend after Leonard’s dog died.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? What is it? I don’t want tea. I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.

 What is it? I don’t want tea. I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.

 I don’t want tea. I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea. Then why are you telling me? It’s a conversation starter.

 I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea. Then why are you telling me? It’s a conversation starter.

 Then why are you telling me? It’s a conversation starter. That’s a lousy conversation starter. Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

 It’s a conversation starter. That’s a lousy conversation starter. Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

 That’s a lousy conversation starter. Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

 That’s a lousy conversation starter. Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate. What do you want, Sheldon? What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

 Oh, is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate. What do you want, Sheldon? What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

 What do you want, Sheldon? What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five.

 What do you want, Sheldon? What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five. I want that too. Why are you here? To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.

 What I want is to be departing the Starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttle craft headed to the planetoid I rule known as Sheldon Alpha Five. I want that too. Why are you here? To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.

 I want that too. Why are you here? To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit.

 I want that too. Why are you here? To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit. Thank you, that’s very comforting. That’s not the comforting part.

 To comfort you, of course. No, that’s not going to work at all, I’ll comfort you from over here. Leonard, what you’re experiencing is a classic Jungian crisis in which the aging individual mourns the loss of the never-to-be realized ideal family unit. Thank you, that’s very comforting. That’s not the comforting part.

 Thank you, that’s very comforting. That’s not the comforting part.

 Thank you, that’s very comforting. That’s not the comforting part. It’s not? No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.

 That’s not the comforting part. It’s not? No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.

 It’s not? No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world.

 It’s not? No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world. You’re right, I do feel better. Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.

 No, no. The comforting part is that the Germans have a term for what you’re feeling. Weltschmerz. It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world. You’re right, I do feel better. Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.

 You’re right, I do feel better. Well, the Germans have always been a comforting people. Just remember, Leonard, where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.

 How come you didn’t tell me that you and Father were getting a divorce? How come you didn’t tell me you had surgery? How come you didn’t tell me my dog died? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship. I do. There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship. I do. There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.

 I do. There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.

 There. It’s late. Now, go to bed. I’m getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.

 That’s the Del Taco. Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door? Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.

 Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door? Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.

 Speaking of warm feelings, come here. (She grabs Sheldon and kisses him) No, I’d rather have the busboy.

 You’re very welcome. Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here. Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night. I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.

 Once again, I’m driving. I’m right here. Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night. I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.

 Please, I am very hungover and in no mood to satisfy your need for approval. Sheldon, I do hope you’ll forgive me for my inappropriate behaviour last night. I don’t blame you. You were intoxicated.

 Thank you. I blame Penny. I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?

 I blame Penny. I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?

 I blame Penny, too. Bad Penny. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?

 Wait a minute, what are you talking about? What inappropriate behaviour?

 There might be some making out in the car or the restaurant, and I don’t want Bernadette to feel uncomfortable, so it would help if you and Penny made out, too. Don’t worry. We’re planning to have sex right on the salad bar. Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen. Got it.

 Don’t worry. We’re planning to have sex right on the salad bar. Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen. Got it.

 Namaste, white people. Good news! I rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen. Got it.

 Well, then what are we going to do tonight? Uh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette. Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled. How did we get actual women?

 Uh, sorry, Raj. Howard and I are going out to dinner with Penny and Bernadette. Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled. How did we get actual women?

 Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled. How did we get actual women?

 Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled. How did we get actual women? Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us? It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.

 How did we get actual women? Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us? It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.

 Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us? It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us.

 Great. They get girlfriends, and they just abandon us? It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us. We do? Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 It is great, isn’t it? We have a wonderful evening ahead of us. We do? Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 We do? Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 We do? Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems. I don’t want to do that. All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 Oh, yes. I just discovered I don’t have enough room on my hard drive for a Linux partition, so you and I are going to perform a full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems. I don’t want to do that. All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 I don’t want to do that. All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems.

 All right. Well, I’m going to perform full backup, reinitialize and then reinstall all my operating systems. What about me? Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.

 What about me? Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women. Maybe you should look into that.

 Dude, there’s so many cool things we could be doing tonight. Look. At the Glendale Galleria, put on your best zoot suit, it’s a salute to Swing music in the center court near Macy’s. 5pm to 9pm, huh, huh? A salute to zoot. Sounds like a hoot. I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s. Race riots? The zoot suit riots.

 I’m sorry, Raj, I have no desire to salute any article of clothing tonight. Much less one that’s linked to race riots in the 1940s. Race riots? The zoot suit riots.

 Race riots? The zoot suit riots. Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around? I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?

 The zoot suit riots. Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around? I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?

 Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around? I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria?

 Oh. I always thought that was some sort of after-Christmas sale. Well, then why don’t we just go to the galleria and walk around? I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria? No. We would just walk around and see what’s what. That’s a semantically null sentence.

 I don’t need anything at the Galleria. Do you need anything at the Galleria? No. We would just walk around and see what’s what. That’s a semantically null sentence.

 No. We would just walk around and see what’s what. That’s a semantically null sentence.

 No. We would just walk around and see what’s what. That’s a semantically null sentence. Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be. Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.

 That’s a semantically null sentence. Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be. Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.

 Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be. Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest.

 Okay, well, how about this? From the university Web site, 7pm to 10pm, Norton Hall Multipurpose Room, mixer for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments. Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be. Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest. Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good. If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

 Well, that’s certainly amusing, but I have no interest. Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good. If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

 Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good. If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?

 Come on, Sheldon, the world is filled with people doing things outside. Let’s go outside. Outside is good. If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside? I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff. Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.

 If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside? I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff. Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.

 I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff. Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination.

 I don’t know, it’s a marketing scheme. Please, Sheldon, I’m a young, virile visitor from a foreign land and I need to strut my stuff. Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination. Oh, boy. One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.

 Let me offer you a compromise. Sometimes when I feel stifled and want a change of scenery, I use my imagination. Oh, boy. One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.

 Oh, boy. One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland.

 Oh, boy. One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland. I don’t want to go to Flatland. You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.

 One of my favourite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott’s mathematical fantasy, Flatland. I don’t want to go to Flatland. You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.

 I don’t want to go to Flatland. You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects.

 I don’t want to go to Flatland. You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects. Oy. Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.

 You’re only saying that because you haven’t been there. I am now a hexagon in two-dimensional space and can only perceive the edges of other objects. Oy. Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge.

 Oy. Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge. Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone. Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.

 Is that you, Raj? I don’t recognize your edge. Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone. Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.

 Sheldon, I’m begging you. I want to go to this mixer, and I don’t want to go alone. Well, you’re in luck, there’s a mixer here in Flatland. Oh, look, there’s a sexually attractive line segment, you should chat her up.

 Come on, Penny. Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here. I’m sliding into third.

 Why don’t you kids go ahead and chat? We’re gonna make out back here. I’m sliding into third.

 Thanks for coming with me. Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern. Did you really have to bring it in with you? What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?

 Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern. Did you really have to bring it in with you? What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?

 Did you really have to bring it in with you? What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?

 Did you really have to bring it in with you? What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low? Come on, let’s get a drink. I don’t drink.

 What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low? Come on, let’s get a drink. I don’t drink.

 Come on, let’s get a drink. I don’t drink. Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw. I would like a root beer float.

 I don’t drink. Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw. I would like a root beer float.

 Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw. I would like a root beer float.

 Yeah, well I do. And when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot. I’ll have a screwdriver, please. Don’t be chintzy with the screw. I would like a root beer float. Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream. They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.

 I would like a root beer float. Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream. They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.

 Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream. They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party.

 Sheldon, they don’t have ice cream. They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party. He’ll have a Shirley Temple. And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.

 They don’t? Well, apparently, these people and I differ greatly on the definition of party. He’ll have a Shirley Temple. And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.

 He’ll have a Shirley Temple. And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley.

 He’ll have a Shirley Temple. And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley. Okay, let’s check out the females. All right. There’s a female.

 And don’t be chintzy with the Shirley. Okay, let’s check out the females. All right. There’s a female.

 Okay, let’s check out the females. All right. There’s a female.

 Okay, let’s check out the females. All right. There’s a female. That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old. But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?

 All right. There’s a female. That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old. But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?

 That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old. But she’s female. Isn’t that the game?

 That’s Professor Wilkinson’s wife, she’s like 80 years old. But she’s female. Isn’t that the game? No. I’m looking for a hookup. Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?

 But she’s female. Isn’t that the game? No. I’m looking for a hookup. Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?

 No. I’m looking for a hookup. Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?

 No. I’m looking for a hookup. Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with? Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks. Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?

 Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with? Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks. Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?

 Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks. Thank you. And what is my function as wingman?

 Oh, yes. So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with? Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks. Thank you. And what is my function as wingman? You help me run my game.

 Not so loud, but ideally, yes. Thanks. Thank you. And what is my function as wingman? You help me run my game.

 Thank you. And what is my function as wingman? You help me run my game.

 Thank you. And what is my function as wingman? You help me run my game. Okay. What is your game? When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.

 You help me run my game. Okay. What is your game? When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.

 Okay. What is your game? When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.

 Okay. What is your game? When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree. Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it? It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

 When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree. Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it? It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

 Hey, that’s pretty cool. What is it? It’s a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

 The mysterious subcontinent of India. Ooh, India. You know India? I saw Slumdog Millionaire.

 Well, I’m a slumdog astrophysicist. I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods) Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha. Hi.

 I thought your father was a gynaecologist. I’m sorry. (Smiles and nods) Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha. Hi.

 Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha. Hi.

 Martha, come here. Meet Raj and Sheldon. This is my friend, Martha. Hi. Hello. Hello.

 Hello. Hello. Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern? In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

 Hello. Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern? In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

 Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern? In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

 What was that? It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish. जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say? I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

 It means come in. It’s taking forever to load the new operating system on my computer. I disinfected the kitchen and the bathroom, and now I thought I’d learn Finnish. जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say? I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

 जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say? I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane.

 जो भी तुम्हारे नाव मंगाई. That’s Hindi for whatever floats your boat. Uh, listen, I got a text from that girl Abby, and she and her friend Martha want to hang out with us again. What do you say? I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane. I don’t get it. You had a great time. Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.

 I don’t say anything. I merely offer you a facial expression that suggests you’ve gone insane. I don’t get it. You had a great time. Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.

 I don’t get it. You had a great time. Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again.

 I don’t get it. You had a great time. Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again. Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha. Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.

 Yes, exactly, I had a great time. That’s done, I’ve moved on to other things. For example, after I learn Finnish, I’m not going to learn Finnish again. Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha. Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.

 Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha. Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.

 Please, Sheldon, I’m a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she’ll only come over if she can bring Martha. Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider. My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee. Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.

 Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or… vetoomus that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider. My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee. Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.

 My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee. Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years.

 My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee. Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years. So does that mean we can go with the girls again? Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

 Oh, my. I’ve admired these for years. So does that mean we can go with the girls again? Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

 So does that mean we can go with the girls again? Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

 Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work. Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo? Oh, voodoo’s real. You don’t want to mess with voodoo.

 Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo? Oh, voodoo’s real. You don’t want to mess with voodoo.

 Flatland is more than just a mathematical essay. It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores. You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late. Uh-huh. Time for bed.

 You know, I had never considered that. Wow, that’s going to completely change my visits there. Well, it’s late. Uh-huh. Time for bed.

 Time for bed. Okay. Good night, puny human! (He gets up and leaves).

 Oh, God! Yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now. A little jealous, are we? No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.

 A little jealous, are we? No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.

 No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu.

 No, I’m not jealous. All right, I’d kill a hobo if it’ll get me laid. Now, can we order? Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu. So what? It’s the same food. Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.

 Oh, dear Lord, they re-did the menu. So what? It’s the same food. Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.

 So what? It’s the same food. Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken.

 So what? It’s the same food. Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken. So? Yes, General Tso.

 Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso’s Chicken is no longer listed under specialties. It’s now under chicken. So? Yes, General Tso.

 So? Yes, General Tso. Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So? So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

 Yes, General Tso. Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So? So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

 Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So? So, why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself? And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

 It’s obviously a typo. Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters. No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like. It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.

 Perhaps. Perhaps this restaurant’s now a front for organized crime. For all we know, the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters. No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like. It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.

 No, no, no, no, I think it just means it’s the kind of sauce that mobsters like. It doesn’t mean any of that! It’s a typo.

 And why is that? It was listed under seafood. What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes? Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

 It was listed under seafood. What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes? Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

 What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes? Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

 What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes? Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not? What the…? The TV is gone.

 Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not? What the…? The TV is gone.

 So are our laptops. Oh God, oh God, oh, God! It’s all right. They didn’t take my comic books.

 We like games. Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman. Assorted video games. When does the CSI team get here?

 Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 thru 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics and Ms. Pacman. Assorted video games. When does the CSI team get here?

 Assorted video games. When does the CSI team get here? What? In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.

 When does the CSI team get here? What? In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.

 What? In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect.

 In anticipation of their arrival, I’ve bagged some evidence. One of the thieves had the audacity to quench his thirst while ransacking our home. You should be able to pull some good prints off this. And now, here are my prints so you can rule me out as a suspect. What about me? I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job. Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?

 What about me? I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job. Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?

 I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job. Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him?

 I’m sorry, Leonard. It’s too early to discount the possibility of this being an inside job. Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him? I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold. I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.

 Would I be completely out of line to ask you to shoot him? I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold. I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.

 I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold. I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.

 I’d be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold. I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested. We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company. I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?

 I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested. We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company. I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?

 We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company. I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry?

 We’re done here. Call this number, and we’ll fax you a copy of the report so you can submit it to your insurance company. I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry? Do you have any more information that might be relevant? Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.

 I’m sorry, that’s the end of your inquiry? Do you have any more information that might be relevant? Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.

 Do you have any more information that might be relevant? Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem.

 Oh, my goodness. Where do I begin? For instance, my laptop contained four out of the five gedanken experiments necessary for a cogent restatement of the quantum measurement problem. How is that going to help them? Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop. Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.

 How is that going to help them? Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop. Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.

 Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop. Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco.

 Well, they could monitor scientific publications and see if anyone posts such a cogent restatement in the next couple of months. If so, the authors are most likely in possession of my stolen laptop. Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco. What are we supposed to do now? The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

 Good night, fellas. Come on, Bochco. What are we supposed to do now? The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

 What are we supposed to do now? The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

 I do not have to urinate. I am the master of my own bladder. Drat.

 I can’t believe it. If I hadn’t been working the dinner shift, I would’ve run Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared. I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 Hey, there’s no reason for you to be scared. I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 I’m not scared. I would’ve gone all Nebraska on their asses. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Hand me the bat. We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Hand me the bat. We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?

 Hand me the bat. We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is?

 Hand me the bat. We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is? It won’t happen again, what’s up? Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.

 We just had a major crime in the building, and you open the door without asking who it is? It won’t happen again, what’s up? Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.

 It won’t happen again, what’s up? Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay.

 Nothing. Just wanted to see if you were both okay. We’re fine, Sheldon. All right, then. Good night. Good night. That was weird, even for him.

 We’re fine, Sheldon. All right, then. Good night. Good night. That was weird, even for him.

 All right, then. Good night. Good night. That was weird, even for him.

 All right, then. Good night. Good night. That was weird, even for him. Mm-hmm. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 Good night. That was weird, even for him. Mm-hmm. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 Mm-hmm. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny.

 Mm-hmm. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Who is it? Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Who is it? Sheldon. Sheldon Cooper.

 Yeah. I see you’re drinking wine. Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed. Uh-huh.

 I see you’re drinking wine. Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed. Uh-huh.

 Yes, we are. And we’re about to go to bed. Uh-huh. Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight? Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.

 Uh-huh. Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight? Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.

 Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight? Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch.

 Sheldon, do you want to sleep here tonight? Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch. What do you want? It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.

 Oh, as small as Leonard is, I don’t think the two of you’d be comfortable on the couch. What do you want? It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.

 What do you want? It’s not what I want, it’s what evolution wants. Human beings are primates. Primates have evolved to live in groups, both for protection and support.

 I do tonight. It’s scary over there. It’s getting scary here, too.

 Um… three little kittens? Three little pigs? God, I don’t know. Star Wars? Did we win? Can we go to bed? Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that? He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.

 Did we win? Can we go to bed? Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that? He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.

 Good Lord, I could not have made this easier. Hydrogen atom, H, plus pigs minus pea, Higgs. Bow, General Zod trapped in the Phantom Zone. Bow-zone. Pear. Tickle. Pear-tickle. Higgs Boson Particle. How could you not get that? He’s right, Penny. It’s all there.

 Just keep walking. (Sheldon checks door then puts TV on his phone) It’s quiet out there. Maybe a little too quiet. Where are you going?

 It’s quiet out there. Maybe a little too quiet. Where are you going?

 Maybe a little too quiet. Where are you going? Just gonna take a look around outside. Bad idea.

 Where are you going? Just gonna take a look around outside. Bad idea.

 Just gonna take a look around outside. Bad idea. No, Jim, don’t open the door! Listen to her, Jim.

 Don’t worry, there’s no one out here. (Sound of woman screaming. Sheldon nods, and turns off TV. Walks down to Leonard’s room.) (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! Who is it?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny! Who is it?

 All right, we’ve got a titanium dead bolt and a reinforced jamb controlled by a state-of-the-art electronic access system. What if they cut the power? There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply. What if someone steals my keys?

 What if they cut the power? There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply. What if someone steals my keys?

 There’s a 200-watt uninterruptible backup power supply. What if someone steals my keys?

 I got a buddy over at the Department of Defence. He just gave it to you? I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good. Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?

 He just gave it to you? I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good. Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?

 I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good. Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?

 Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell?

 I’m sure he would have if I had asked. Ironically, their security isn’t all that good. Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell? Sorry, let me help you. Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.

 Raj, your car is blocking me… (A wire net falls on her, while a computer voice repeats the words “Intruder Alert”) What the hell? Sorry, let me help you. Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.

 Sorry, let me help you. Wonderful security system if we’re attacked by a school of tuna.

 Sheldon’s journal. Security system in place. However, sleep continues to elude me. I’ve seen the underbelly of Pasadena, this so-called City of Roses, and it haunts me. Ah, the injustice, I lie here awake, tormented, while out there evil lurks, probably playing Donkey Kong on my classic Nintendo. (Hears a noise. Goes to check, then panics and climbs out window onto ledge.) Oh, dear. I am the master of my own bladder. (Crawls along to Leonard’s window, where Leonard and Penny are inside being intimate. Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Oh, my… God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there? I heard a noise.

 Oh, my… God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there? I heard a noise.

 God, Sheldon. What the hell are you doing out there? I heard a noise.

 I heard a noise. It was us. We knocked over a lamp. Why would you knock over a lamp? We were going to have…

 It was us. We knocked over a lamp. Why would you knock over a lamp? We were going to have…

 Why would you knock over a lamp? We were going to have… He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard. Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)

 We were going to have… He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard. Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)

 He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard. Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window)

 He doesn’t need to know what we were doing, Leonard. Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window) What are you doing? Use the door. Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.

 Oh! No, she’s right, I don’t need to know what you were doing. Carry on. (Starts to climb back out of window) What are you doing? Use the door. Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.

 What are you doing? Use the door. Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk.

 What are you doing? Use the door. Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk. Great, you do that. Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?

 Good thinking. Perhaps I’ll check the perimeter and make some warm milk. Great, you do that. Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?

 Great, you do that. Would you like me to bring you some warm milk?

 Great, you do that. Would you like me to bring you some warm milk? I’m lactose intolerant. And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?

 Would you like me to bring you some warm milk? I’m lactose intolerant. And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?

 I’m lactose intolerant. And you don’t wish to alarm me with any more loud noises, very thoughtful. Warm milk, Penny?

 Fine. Good night to you, sir. Miss. Sorry about that. Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.) Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.

 Sorry about that. Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.) Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.

 Ugh, what can you do? Here. (From outside there is the sound of the net falling and computer voice saying “Intruder alert.” Then Sheldon screaming. They run out to find Sheldon convulsing under the net.) Looks like Wolowitz got the net electrified.

 Sheldon, are you okay? I’m fine. Although I’m no longer the master of my own bladder.

 Our apartment was broken into, our security system tried to kill me, and as a result, I’m leaving Pasadena forever. Tell me how that’s overreacting. Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns? Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid. Is he quitting his job at the university?

 Come on, Sheldon, you can’t move. Don’t you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns? Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid. Is he quitting his job at the university?

 Oh, if that were only true. Unfortunately, as I’m earthbound for the foreseeable future, I need to find a location that’s more hospitable than the mean streets of Pasadena. Like Enid, Oklahoma. Low crime rate and high-speed Internet connectivity, but no model train shops. Sorry, Enid. Is he quitting his job at the university?

 All right. Boone, North Carolina. Every summer since 1952, Boone has hosted an outdoor amphitheater portrayal of the life and times of its namesake, Dan’l Boone. Sounds like something that would attract the wrong crowd. Penny, you’re from Nebraska, correct? Born and raised. (Sheldon crosses Nebraska off his map)

 Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin? I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there. Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you. I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.

 I sense you’re making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there. Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you. I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.

 Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you. I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite.

 Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That’s part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you. I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite. They call themselves Bozites? They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

 I am moving on. I’m going to be a Bozite. They call themselves Bozites? They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

 They call themselves Bozites? They should. It’s one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.

 You might want to lock the door behind me. This isn’t Bozeman. How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?

 How the hell do I know who’s the friend and who’s the acquaintance?

 That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold! Help you with your bags, sir? Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

 Help you with your bags, sir? Thank you, fellow Bozite. And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town’s Chamber of Commerce. (Man picks up bags and starts running.) Wait! Wait! Excuse me! (At ticket desk) One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

 Whatcha doing? I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain. Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night? Is it morning?

 I’m attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain. Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night? Is it morning?

 Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night? Is it morning?

 Interesting. I usually just have coffee. You’ve been up all night? Is it morning? Yes. Then I’ve been up all night.

 Why else would a person try to engage their superior colliculus? Oh, sorry, sweetie, I can’t help you till I’ve had my coffee. Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment. What is he doing now?

 Oh, sorry, sweetie, I can’t help you till I’ve had my coffee. Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment. What is he doing now?

 Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment. What is he doing now?

 Penny, I told you if you don’t put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment. What is he doing now? Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off. Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.

 What is he doing now? Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off. Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.

 Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off. Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.

 Mmm, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off. Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight. Aye, aye, Captain. I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.

 Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you’re going to mock me, at least get your facts straight. Aye, aye, Captain. I can’t see it! It just won’t coalesce.

 I think Penny likes to skate. The four of us could double. What could be better? We’re in. Great. It’s not like I brought it up because I wanted to go. You can come with us.

 What could be better? We’re in. Great. It’s not like I brought it up because I wanted to go. You can come with us.

 Great. It’s not like I brought it up because I wanted to go. You can come with us.

 No, it’s okay. I don’t have to go. I’m happy just to guide you and your ladies to suitable entertainment choices. I’m a walking brown Yelp.com. Structure, constant structure. One atom… Boy, he’s really gone, isn’t he? Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.

 Structure, constant structure. One atom… Boy, he’s really gone, isn’t he? Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.

 Boy, he’s really gone, isn’t he? Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant.

 Yeah, this morning he used a stick of butter as deodorant. I thought I smelled popcorn. Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal… I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.

 I thought I smelled popcorn. Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal… I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.

 Pattern is the same as fermions, travels on the pathways, hexagonal, it’s always hexagonal… I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.

 I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie.

 I haven’t seen him this stuck since he tried to figure out the third Matrix movie. Hey, those are my lima beans! Not lima beans, carbon atoms. But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.

 Hey, those are my lima beans! Not lima beans, carbon atoms. But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.

 Not lima beans, carbon atoms. But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie.

 Not lima beans, carbon atoms. But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie. Here, you want my peas? Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.

 But if I don’t eat my lima beans, I can’t have my cookie. Here, you want my peas? Peas! Perfect, they can be electrons.

 So roller skating, should we all grab a bite to eat first? Good. P.F. Chang’s? My mom has coupons. Great. Your mom’s not coming, right? Not this time, I promise.

 Good. P.F. Chang’s? My mom has coupons. Great. Your mom’s not coming, right? Not this time, I promise.

 Sorry. I’m moving a little slow. I think I bruised my coccyx. Oh, poor baby. Don’t tell Koothrappali. After you. Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)

 Oh, poor baby. Don’t tell Koothrappali. After you. Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)

 Don’t tell Koothrappali. After you. Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)

 Oh, what a gentleman. Hey, Sheldon. (Steps on marbles which are all over the floor, screams and falls)

 Are you okay? Do I look okay? Don’t bark at me. I fell, too. Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.

 Do I look okay? Don’t bark at me. I fell, too. Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.

 Don’t bark at me. I fell, too. Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it.

 Don’t bark at me. I fell, too. Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.

 Oh, you’ve been falling all night. You’re used to it. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.

 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet.

 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet. With marbles? Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?

 The same thing I’ve been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when travelling through a graphene sheet. With marbles? Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?

 With marbles? Well, I needed something bigger than peas, now, didn’t I?

 Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep? I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth. Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No, that’s a crazy thing.

 I don’t know, two, three days. Not important. I don’t need sleep, I need answers. I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth. Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No, that’s a crazy thing.

 Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No, that’s a crazy thing.

 Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing? No, that’s a crazy thing. Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.

 No, that’s a crazy thing. Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.

 Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine.

 Okay, Sheldon. What happens to our neuroreceptors when we don’t get enough REM sleep? They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to…? Impaired cognitive function.

 They lose their sensitivity to serotonin and norepinephrine. Which leads to…? Impaired cognitive function.

 Which leads to…? Impaired cognitive function. Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed. But I don’t want to go to bed.

 Impaired cognitive function. Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed. But I don’t want to go to bed.

 Right, so march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed. But I don’t want to go to bed.

 Hi. I’m Dr. Hofstadter. Where is he? Ball pit. Thanks for not calling the cops. Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.

 Ball pit. Thanks for not calling the cops. Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.

 Thanks for not calling the cops. Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.

 Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special.

 Thanks for not calling the cops. Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special. Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing? Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.

 Oh, hey, it’s no big deal. My sister’s got a kid who’s special. Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing? Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.

 Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing? Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms.

 Yeah, well, he’s extra special. Hey, Shelly. What you doing? Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms. Sure, sure. How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

 Size ratio was all wrong. Couldn’t visualize it. Needed bigger carbon atoms. Sure, sure. How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

 Sure, sure. How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.

 Sure, sure. How did you get into this place? Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms. No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now. But I’m still working.

 Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single-circuit alarm. Child’s play. You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms. No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now. But I’m still working.

 No, I don’t think so. We need to go home now. But I’m still working.

 For God’s sakes. Sheldon, come here! Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga.

 Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga.

 What! What, what, what? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. What? I have good news.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. What? I have good news.

 What? I have good news. And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night? Your cell phone was off.

 I have good news. And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night? Your cell phone was off.

 And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night? Your cell phone was off.

 And you had to barge in here and wake us up in the middle of the night? Your cell phone was off. Because we didn’t want to be disturbed. And that didn’t work out, did it?

 Your cell phone was off. Because we didn’t want to be disturbed. And that didn’t work out, did it?

 Because we didn’t want to be disturbed. And that didn’t work out, did it?

 Because we didn’t want to be disturbed. And that didn’t work out, did it? Sheldon, what do you want? I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.

 And that didn’t work out, did it? Sheldon, what do you want? I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.

 Sheldon, what do you want? I came to tell you I’ve got the answer.

 Really? You figured out the graphene problem? No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out. Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up. What are you talking about?

 No, no, I’m still hopelessly stuck on that, but I figured out how to figure it out. Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up. What are you talking about?

 Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up. What are you talking about?

 Hey, you know what, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong. We’re going to have to break up. What are you talking about? Oh. Einstein.

 Oh. Einstein. Yeah, I’m going to need a little more. Albert Einstein.

 Einstein. Yeah, I’m going to need a little more. Albert Einstein.

 Yeah, I’m going to need a little more. Albert Einstein. Keep going. When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.

 Albert Einstein. Keep going. When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.

 Keep going. When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office.

 Keep going. When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office. So, you’re going to go work at the patent office? Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.

 When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office. So, you’re going to go work at the patent office? Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.

 So, you’re going to go work at the patent office? Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem.

 So, you’re going to go work at the patent office? Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem. Sounds like a great plan. Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.

 Don’t be absurd. That’s in Washington. You know I could never live in a city whose streets are laid out in a wheel-and-spoke pattern. No. I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem. Sounds like a great plan. Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.

 Sounds like a great plan. Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow.

 Sounds like a great plan. Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow. Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night. You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.

 Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow. Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night. You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.

 Okay, well, thanks for sharing with us. Good night. You’re welcome. Good night to you, too. Oh, by the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you’re on your back.

 Leonard doesn’t snore. No, I wasn’t talking to Leonard. Told you.

 So, Mr. Cooper, you’re looking for a job. A menial job. Like yours. Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?

 A menial job. Like yours. Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?

 Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that?

 Why, thank you for noticing. I’m Menial Employee of the Month. Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that? No. Shouldn’t you check your database?

 I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives labouring to erect monuments under the lash of their betters, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that? No. Shouldn’t you check your database?

 No. Shouldn’t you check your database? No. You didn’t really type.

 No. You didn’t really type. I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction? Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

 You didn’t really type. I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction? Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

 I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction? Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

 I didn’t really have to. So, how about construction? Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis. No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that.

 Oh, that would be good! Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis. No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that.

 No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that.

 No, no. This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that. Good. One question.

 Yes? What’s sheetrock? Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable.

 What’s sheetrock? Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable.

 Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable.

 Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable. Do you have your own car? I don’t drive.

 That seems acceptable. Do you have your own car? I don’t drive.

 Okay, I’ll get those drinks started for you. Behind you. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.

 Behind you. Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.

 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed.

 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed. No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here? A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

 I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed. No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here? A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

 No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here? A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

 No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here? A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am. You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that? Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.

 A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am. You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that? Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.

 You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that? Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way.

 Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way. Sheldon, this is ridiculous. Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check. Thanks, Sheldon.

 Sheldon, this is ridiculous. Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check. Thanks, Sheldon.

 Is it? Just a moment ago I had a minor epiphany regarding the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate. Bernadette, table 10 wants their check. Thanks, Sheldon.

 Sheldon, wait, this isn’t even what I do. I’m a waitress, not a busboy. You’re right. That is more menial. Hello, I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen.

 Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans? Yes. Double guacamole? Of course.

 Sheldon took our order. Sheldon doesn’t work here. Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either. Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.

 Sheldon doesn’t work here. Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either. Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.

 Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn’t either. Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.

 Is that really necessary? Good Lord. The interference pattern in the fracture. The motion of the wave through the molecular structure. I’ve been looking at it all wrong. I can’t consider the electrons as particles. They move through the graphene as a wave. It’s a wave! The moment to applaud would be now. Troglodytes.

 Thank you. Although, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of a perk. Who’s miserable and alone? Me.

 Although, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of a perk. Who’s miserable and alone? Me.

 Me. Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend. In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener. Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?

 Oh. I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend. In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener. Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?

 In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener. Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?

 Hey, what are you and Bernadette doing for your first Valentine’s Day?

 Okay, so to sum up: one giant marble horse, one asinine comment, one lonely man and his chicken. And let’s see, who’s left? Oh, that’s right. My plans. Isn’t anyone going to ask? Fine, tell us you’re going to have sex with Penny. That’s not what I was going to tell you. It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.

 Fine, tell us you’re going to have sex with Penny. That’s not what I was going to tell you. It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.

 That’s not what I was going to tell you. It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.

 It’s okay. I don’t mind hearing about your sex life. It’s his that bugs me.

 Actually, Professor Norton can’t make it. He threw his back out rock climbing. I heard he threw his back out climbing on his new girlfriend. The big-boobed weather girl on Channel 2? That’s the one.

 I heard he threw his back out climbing on his new girlfriend. The big-boobed weather girl on Channel 2? That’s the one.

 In any case, they’re asking me to fill in for him. In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl? Switzerland. And I get to bring a guest! Oh, man!

 In Switzerland or with the big-boobed weather girl? Switzerland. And I get to bring a guest! Oh, man!

 Why wouldn’t you take Penny? I am taking Penny. Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.

 I am taking Penny. Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.

 Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.

 Sheldon, you got a minute? Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider? Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland. Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?

 Of course, my good friend. Come in. Help me out, which ski hat says après supercollider? Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland. Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?

 Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland. Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?

 Sheldon, I’m not taking you to Switzerland. Well, of course you are. Who else would you take? Penny. What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Well, of course you are. Who else would you take? Penny. What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Penny. What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Penny. What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps. But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 What? That’s absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps. But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps. But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.

 Yes, but it’ll be Valentine’s Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snowcapped Alps. But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. I’m sorry, Sheldon. Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.

 But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research. I’m sorry, Sheldon. Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon. Sorry? I’ve been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.

 Okay, sweetie, this started out fun, but I’m over it. We’re going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We’ll also go skiing. We’re going skiing in Switzerland?! Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.

 We’re going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider! And ski. We’ll also go skiing. We’re going skiing in Switzerland?! Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.

 We’re going skiing in Switzerland?! Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.

 Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day.

 We’re going skiing in Switzerland?! Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day. Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible! Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.

 Well, you’ll ski, I’ll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine’s Day. Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible! Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.

 Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible! Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny.

 Oh, my God, Leonard! That’s incredible! Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny. My Rabe-what-ly? Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.

 Not so fast. You might want to hold off on lighting your rabeliechtli, Penny. My Rabe-what-ly? Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.

 My Rabe-what-ly? Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland.

 My Rabe-what-ly? Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland. Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny. Afraid not. Do you recognize this?

 Rabeliechtli. It means turnip light and refers to a traditional lantern hand-carved from a root vegetable and used to celebrate certain Swiss festivals. Which you will not be celebrating because, A, these festivals occur in the fall, and B, you will not be going to Switzerland. Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny. Afraid not. Do you recognize this?

 Sheldon, we’ve been through this. I’m taking Penny. Afraid not. Do you recognize this?

 Not the roommate agreement. Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him. Oh, for God’s sakes. You actually put that in an agreement?

 Indeed, the roommate agreement. I call your attention to the Friendship Rider in Appendix C, Future Commitments. Number 37, in the event one friend is ever invited to visit the Large Hadron Collider, now under construction in Switzerland, he shall invite the other friend to accompany him. Oh, for God’s sakes. You actually put that in an agreement?

 Oh, for God’s sakes. You actually put that in an agreement? Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie. He can’t kill me, even if I turn.

 You actually put that in an agreement? Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie. He can’t kill me, even if I turn.

 Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie. He can’t kill me, even if I turn.

 Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie. He can’t kill me, even if I turn. Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend? No, that seemed a little farfetched.

 He can’t kill me, even if I turn. Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend? No, that seemed a little farfetched.

 Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend? No, that seemed a little farfetched.

 I’ve lived up to all my commitments under the agreement. At least once a day I ask how you are, even though I simply don’t care. I no longer stage spontaneous biohazard drills after 10 pm And I abandoned my goal to master Tuvan throat singing. Okay, I know I shouldn’t ask, but what is…? No. I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.

 Okay, I know I shouldn’t ask, but what is…? No. I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice.

 No. I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice. Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland. Is that your final decision?

 I’d be much further along if I’d been allowed to practice. Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland. Is that your final decision?

 Look, Sheldon, I know it’s in the agreement, and if you turn into a zombie, I promise I will not kill you. In fact, I’ll even let you eat my brains. But I am taking Penny to Switzerland. Is that your final decision?

 Very well. It’s not over, is it? What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)

 It’s not over, is it? What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)

 What do you think? (The sound of Tuvan throat singing comes from Sheldon’s bedroom.)

 Got a bit of traffic this morning, huh? Think it’s gonna rain? Instead of underpants, I covered my crotch with potato salad this morning. Thoughts? Okay, I know what’ll cheer you up, let’s play one of your driving games. All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas? You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

 All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas? You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

 You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas? You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

 You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas? You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did. Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me? Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.

 You’re right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did. Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me? Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.

 Come on, Sheldon. Can’t you at least try to understand how much this means to me? Round two, Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.

 What the hell is that? Uh, let’s see. Yup, 30 pieces of silverware.

 What’s going on? I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo. You made Frodo pancakes? Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.

 I’ve made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here’s Frodo. You made Frodo pancakes? Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.

 You made Frodo pancakes? Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy.

 You made Frodo pancakes? Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy. Why are you doing this? It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?

 Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet. If you need to void your bladder before eating, I can keep them warm with this beret that I thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cosy. Why are you doing this? It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?

 Why are you doing this? It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone?

 Why are you doing this? It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone? Thanks. It’s good. What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

 It’s by way of an apology for my recent behaviour. I’ve had some time to reflect and I’ve come to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements. It’s a result of two people respecting and caring for each other. Butterscotch scone? Thanks. It’s good. What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

 Thanks. It’s good. What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

 Thanks. It’s good. What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary. You hate Babylon 5. I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.

 What you’re tasting is respect and affection. And about a pound of Crisco. After you’ve finished breakfast, I thought we could spend the day watching the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary. You hate Babylon 5. I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.

 You hate Babylon 5. I do. It fails as drama, science fiction, and it’s hopelessly derivative. But you like it, and you’re my friend.

 Okay, great. Still not taking you to Switzerland. Drat. No Frodo for you.

 Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords. Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room. Better acoustics for your throat singing? It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.

 Yes, amusing. Extraordinary intelligence might well appear extraterrestrial to you, but let me be more specific. I believe you know why I’m here in the laundry room. Better acoustics for your throat singing? It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.

 Better acoustics for your throat singing? It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.

 It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD.

 Better acoustics for your throat singing? It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD. Oh, for God’s sakes. Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.

 It’s actually not bad. But my true purpose in being here will be revealed in this brief PowerPoint presentation. Lights. Why Sheldon Cooper, PhD, should go to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. A PowerPoint presentation by Sheldon Cooper, PhD. Oh, for God’s sakes. Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.

 Oh, for God’s sakes. Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you.

 Oh, for God’s sakes. Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you. I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up? Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.

 Here we have a highly gifted researcher in the field of particle physics whose work has brought him to the precipice of forever changing mankind’s understanding of the universe. AKA me. And here we have a waitress brushing her teeth with her finger. AKA you. I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up? Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.

 I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up? Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination.

 I’m sorry. Is this supposed to be buttering me up? Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination. Okay, show’s over. No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.

 Please hold all questions to the end of the presentation. This is the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Switzerland, the product of decades of planning and construction. It is a Mecca for physicists the world over. This is Bath and Body Works on Colorado Boulevard. They sell scented soaps and lotions, some of which contain glitter. Now, let’s see if we can match the individual to the appropriate destination. Okay, show’s over. No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides.

 Okay, show’s over. No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides. Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go. Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.

 No, it’s not. I’ve got five more slides. Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go. Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.

 Sheldon, this is Leonard’s decision. He invited me to Switzerland, and I intend to go. Very well. Enjoy yourself. You’re going to be in the presence of something that I’ve dreamed of seeing for decades. I just hope you’ll be able to appreciate the magnitude of where you are and what it represents.

 I’ll talk to Leonard. You will? Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go. Oh, Penny, thank you!

 You will? Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go. Oh, Penny, thank you!

 Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go. Oh, Penny, thank you!

 Yes. If it means that much to you, you should go. Oh, Penny, thank you! You’re welcome. Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.

 Oh, Penny, thank you! You’re welcome. Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.

 You’re welcome. Since I rarely hug, I’m relying on your expertise regarding duration.

 Trust me, you can’t. I’ve tried. No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies. Sheldon, I need to talk to you. All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?

 No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies. Sheldon, I need to talk to you. All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?

 Sheldon, I need to talk to you. All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus?

 Sheldon, I need to talk to you. All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus? Some what? Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

 All right, my friend. Would you like some cholermus? Some what? Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

 Some what? Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland.

 Some what? Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland. You’re not going to Switzerland! Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?

 Cholermus. It’s a traditional Swiss breakfast dish. I’m preparing my gastrointestinal system for the exotic cuisine of Switzerland. You’re not going to Switzerland! Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?

 You’re not going to Switzerland! Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news?

 You’re not going to Switzerland! Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news? She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her. Yes, that good news.

 Oh, but I am. Didn’t Penny tell you the good news? She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her. Yes, that good news.

 She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her. Yes, that good news.

 She told me that you went behind my back to guilt her into letting you go instead of her. Yes, that good news. Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you! Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

 Yes, that good news. Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you! Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

 Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you! Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation.

 Well, forget it. I was the one who was invited, I get to decide who goes with me, and it’s Penny, not you! Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation. I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over! That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?

 Howard, could you lower the lights? I have a short PowerPoint presentation. I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over! That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?

 I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over! That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not?

 I don’t need to see your presentation. This discussion is over! That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not? Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you. Really?

 That’s a somewhat ambiguous response. Am I going or not? Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you. Really?

 Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you. Really?

 Sheldon, at this point, I would go by myself before I would take you. Really? Yeah, really. Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.

 Really? Yeah, really. Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.

 Yeah, really. Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends.

 Yeah, really. Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.

 Well then, you leave me no alternative. From this moment forward, we can be roommates, but we will no longer be friends. I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.

 I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think you’re fully aware of the ramifications here, Leonard.

 I’m having a tea party. What do you think’s going on? I think I might have the flu. Or the plague. Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you’ll feel better by then? Yep. ‘Cause I’m gonna be dead.

 Well, our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Do you think you’ll feel better by then? Yep. ‘Cause I’m gonna be dead.

 Yes. Heated to 180 degrees? Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me. You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.

 Heated to 180 degrees? Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me. You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.

 Why don’t I pour it in your lap, and you can tell me. You don’t have to be mean. I’m sick.

 Will you please turn your shirt off? What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared. Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples. Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?

 What? I’m giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I’m awesome and to be feared. Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples. Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?

 Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples. Hey, Stuart, what’s going on?

 Yeah, right, there’s nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who’s got music blasting from between his nipples. Hey, Stuart, what’s going on? Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday. Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.

 Hey, Stuart, what’s going on? Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday. Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.

 Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday. Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed.

 Well, you might want to mark your Google calendars. Stan Lee is coming to do a signing on Thursday. Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed. No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour. Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?

 Did he finally write a sequel to his autobiography? I’m sure ages 79 through 87 were just action-packed. No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour. Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?

 No, just a regular comic signing. My uncle is his dermatologist and Stan’s doing him a favour. Oh, I don’t want to know that! How can I possibly discuss with Stan Lee the scientific foundations for interstellar flight on a silver surfboard when part of my brain will be scanning his face for signs of contagious skin disease?

 Well, look who thinks he’s Stuart’s uncle now. Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.) I’m sad to say I taught him those moves.

 Can’t believe it. We’re going to meet Stan Lee! (Presses play on his iPod. His shirt starts to play “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. He dances.) I’m sad to say I taught him those moves.

 I can’t decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my Journey into Mystery 83, first appearance of Thor or my Fantastic Four number five, first appearance of Dr. Doom. (Raj presses his iPod. The theme from Jeopardy plays.) Alex, I’m going to go with what is… you’re a dumbass? (Presses again, his shirt blows a raspberry.) I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman. That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman. Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.

 I’ve decided I’m going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month’s Batman. That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman. Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.

 That’s crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman. Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.

 Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artifact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom. That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well. What is it about the word unique you don’t understand? Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.

 That’s a great idea, I’m going to get him to sign a Batman as well. What is it about the word unique you don’t understand? Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.

 What is it about the word unique you don’t understand? Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.

 Ow! Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut. Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision. There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer. Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?

 Well, obviously you don’t remember your circumcision. There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer. Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?

 There’s Neosporin and Band-Aids in my top desk drawer. Why don’t you keep that stuff in the bathroom?

 No. Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much? That’s Bruce Lee. Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?

 Um, uh, Stan Lee, oh, he was in those goofy kung fu movies you love so much? That’s Bruce Lee. Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?

 That’s Bruce Lee. Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan?

 That’s Bruce Lee. Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan? Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk? Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.

 Oh. So, is this Bruce Lee’s nerdy brother, Stan? Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk? Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.

 Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk? Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet.

 Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk? Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet. But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank? I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

 Because most of the things I’m planning to buy haven’t been invented yet. But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank? I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

 But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank? I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

 But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don’t you put it in the bank? I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge. You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court. Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.

 I don’t trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge. You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court. Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.

 You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court. Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena.

 You’ve also got something from the Pasadena Municipal Court. Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena. I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that? It bothers me.

 Undoubtedly yet another snide response to my repeated letters complaining that the flags in front of the courthouse are flying in the wrong order. From left to right, it’s supposed to be federal, state, and then city of Pasadena. I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that? It bothers me.

 I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that? It bothers me.

 I’m sorry. You sent more than one letter about that? It bothers me. Sheldon, this is a summons. A summons for what?

 Sheldon, this is a summons. A summons for what? Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture. November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.

 A summons for what? Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture. November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.

 Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture. November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room.

 Looks like you ran a red light on Marengo Avenue at 9:30 p.m. on November 16. They got you on a traffic camera. Nice picture. November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room. No, it isn’t. Yes, it is.

 November 16? Penny, that’s the evening you fell in your bathtub and I had to drive you to the emergency room. No, it isn’t. Yes, it is.

 No, it isn’t. Yes, it is. No, it isn’t. Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.

 Yes, it is. No, it isn’t. Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.

 No, it isn’t. Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder.

 No, it isn’t. Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder. Mmm, no, it isn’t. Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?

 Penny, I have an eidetic memory. Also, that’s a picture of you in the passenger seat holding your dislocated shoulder. Mmm, no, it isn’t. Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?

 Mmm, no, it isn’t. Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me?

 Mmm, no, it isn’t. Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me? Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it? So you betrayed me?

 Okay, then why is a summons for a traffic violation committed in your car, bearing your license plates, coming to me? Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it? So you betrayed me?

 Okay, look, they sent me the ticket. I told them I wasn’t driving and they were all, if it wasn’t you, who was it? So you betrayed me?

 So you betrayed me? No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands. But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you. Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.

 No! It wasn’t a betrayal. It was more of a can’t afford any more points on my license. I already have to buy my insurance from this place in the Cayman Islands. But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you. Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.

 But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you. Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.

 Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day.

 But the only reason I was driving your car was because you were in distress and I was rescuing you. Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day. It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine. I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.

 Yes, yes, look, and now you have a photo to remember that heroic day. It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine. I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.

 It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine. I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty.

 It’s not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine. I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty. You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked. I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.

 I’m not going to pay a fine. That would imply I’m guilty. You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked. I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.

 You are guilty. (Raj’s shirt plays the gavel sound from Law & Order) That one I liked. I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went.

 I am not guilty. I only have a learner’s permit, Penny was the teacher. When the light turned yellow she said go, go, go, so I went, went, went. Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series. You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now. Okay, he’s going to jail.

 Sheldon, I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the fine. You know, as soon as I get a part in a movie or my own TV series. You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now. Okay, he’s going to jail.

 You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now. Okay, he’s going to jail.

 You don’t need to reimburse me because I’m not paying. On Thursday, I will have my day in court and justice will be done. In fact, I’m going to begin preparing my defence right now. Okay, he’s going to jail. Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day. Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.

 Okay, he’s going to jail. Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day. Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.

 Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day. Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee.

 Oh, that’s right. Thursday is Stan Lee Day. Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee. Whoa! What do you mean all? Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.

 Now you see what you’ve done? Because of you, we’re all going to miss Stan Lee. Whoa! What do you mean all? Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.

 Whoa! What do you mean all? Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious.

 Whoa! What do you mean all? Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious. Yeah, okay. No. Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?

 Well, you’re my friends. You’ll be standing by my side, supporting me, feeding me legal precedents, and if you had the upper body strength, carrying me out on your shoulders when I’m victorious. Yeah, okay. No. Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?

 Yeah, okay. No. Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case?

 Yeah, okay. No. Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case? That’s what I’m saying. Howard?

 Are you saying that you will not stand beside me as I plead my case? That’s what I’m saying. Howard?

 That’s what I’m saying. Howard? Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No. Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.

 Howard? Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No. Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.

 Wow. Uh, Stan Lee, or you in court? Uh, if this was Sophie’s Choice it would’ve been a much shorter movie. No. Raj? You’ll be there, won’t you? (Shirt plays “incorrect” quiz sound) All right, then, my so-called friends have forsaken me. So, I guess it’ll just be me and my eyewitness.

 Oh, balls. Please try to wear something appropriate. It won’t help my case if the judge is busy trying to read the word Juicy scrawled across your buttocks.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. That’s just wrong. All right, let’s go. Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.

 That’s just wrong. All right, let’s go. Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.

 All right, let’s go. Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress.

 All right, let’s go. Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress. What is this? I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

 Wait, hold on. Before we get to the courthouse, I’d like to call on your skills as an actress. What is this? I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

 What is this? I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse?

 What is this? I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse? Do I have a choice? Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?

 I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your appearance on the witness stand because, let’s face it, you’re somewhat of a loose cannon. Now, don’t worry, it’s written in your vernacular. So shall we rehearse? Do I have a choice? Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?

 Do I have a choice? Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?

 Do I have a choice? Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date? Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase. Excellent. Go on.

 Well, of course you have a choice. Although we live in a deterministic universe, each individual has free will. Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date? Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase. Excellent. Go on.

 Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase. Excellent. Go on.

 Darn tootin’, I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase. Excellent. Go on. The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever. And who performed that heroic act?

 Excellent. Go on. The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever. And who performed that heroic act?

 The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever. And who performed that heroic act?

 The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I’ve ever seen in, like, ever. And who performed that heroic act? Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you. There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.

 And who performed that heroic act? Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you. There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.

 Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you. There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.

 Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you. There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts. But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek? Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.

 There’s no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts. But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek? Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.

 But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek? Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.

 Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well. But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.

 But it is a fact that it’s a privilege to know you. Totally. Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.

 Pay the cashier. Sheldon Cooper? Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself. I know what it means. I went to law school. And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.

 Good morning, Your Honour. Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That is to say, representing himself. I know what it means. I went to law school. And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.

 I know what it means. I went to law school. And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement.

 I know what it means. I went to law school. And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement. The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium. Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

 And yet you wound up in traffic court. Anyway, if it would please the court, I’d like to begin with an opening statement. The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium. Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

 The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium. Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

 The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium. Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete. Impressive. Thank you.

 Very well, a quick opening statement. Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I’m unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete. Impressive. Thank you.

 Impressive. Thank you. Guilty. Pay the cashier. I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.

 Thank you. Guilty. Pay the cashier. I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.

 Guilty. Pay the cashier. I object. You’re completely ignoring the law.

 Guilty. Pay the cashier. I object. You’re completely ignoring the law. No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you. Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

 I object. You’re completely ignoring the law. No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you. Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

 No, I’m following the law. I’m ignoring you. Really? I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddy table of yours.

 Oh, gee, thanks, Leonard. That didn’t occur to me. If he doesn’t apologize by 5 o’clock he is going to spend the night in jail. Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.

 Oh, no, that’s terrible. Ooh, the line’s moving. Got to go. Bye.

 What? I need to use the restroom. Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell) That’s the toilet?

 I need to use the restroom. Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell) That’s the toilet?

 Knock yourself out. (Points to urinal in cell) That’s the toilet?

 Mine says, To Raj, from Stan Lee. That’s ’cause you pissed him off about his character names. Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model. We’re home.

 That’s ’cause you pissed him off about his character names. Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model. We’re home.

 Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model. We’re home.

 Hey, I didn’t even mention Dum Dum Dugan or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor Von Doom, oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model. We’re home. Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go? You know very well how it went.

 We’re home. Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go? You know very well how it went.

 Oh, hey, buddy. How’d it go? You know very well how it went. Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you. I was found guilty and fined $533.

 You know very well how it went. Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you. I was found guilty and fined $533.

 Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you. I was found guilty and fined $533.

 I’m going to write you a cheque for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others. I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals. Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee. Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.

 I also now have three points on a driver’s licence I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals. Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee. Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.

 Plus, you didn’t get to meet Stan Lee. Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.

 Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.

 Okay, that’s enough, Howard. The poor guy’s had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit. You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato. You had gelato with Stan Lee? He said we could call him Stan.

 You’re right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato. You had gelato with Stan Lee? He said we could call him Stan.

 You had gelato with Stan Lee? He said we could call him Stan. Except for Raj. Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.

 He said we could call him Stan. Except for Raj. Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.

 Except for Raj. Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.

 Except for Raj. Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today. Okay, I realize that… Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.

 Well, I hope you’re satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today. Okay, I realize that… Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.

 Okay, I realize that… Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.

 Okay, sweetie, I don’t know if we’re gonna have cookies, or he’s just gonna say hi, or really what’s gonna happen, so just let me talk, and we’ll… Yeah? Are you Stan Lee? Oh, damn.

 Oh, damn. Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon. We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes. Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.

 Hi. I’m Penny. This is my friend, Sheldon. We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes. Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.

 We’re not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes. Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.

 Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail.

 Right, right. Anyway, Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours, and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store, but he kind of ended up in jail. I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited? You said we were invited. Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.

 I see. And you thought you’d just come over to my house uninvited? You said we were invited. Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.

 You said we were invited. Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.

 Oh, no, no, I said I’m inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee’s house.

 Would you just let it go? And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom. Hey, where’ve you been? I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

 And worst of all, Fin Fang Foom. Hey, where’ve you been? I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

 Hey, where’ve you been? I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.

 I’ll tell you where I’ve been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order. Sweet. Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

 Sweet. Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

 Oh, it’s about time, I’m starving. Uh, well, we didn’t actually get Chinese food. Why not? Don’t panic, this is better.

 Uh, well, we didn’t actually get Chinese food. Why not? Don’t panic, this is better.

 Oh, no, you didn’t trade the food for magic beans, did you? Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city. Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down. We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.

 Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city. Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down. We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.

 Yeah, sometimes I don’t listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down. We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.

 We were on our way to the Chinese restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.

 We didn’t even get to go through it all. There could be anything in here. There a new girlfriend in there? ‘Cause you might need one. No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind. Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

 There a new girlfriend in there? ‘Cause you might need one. No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind. Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

 No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Raj whispers to Leonard) Oh, you’re right, it’s Ghostbusters 2. Never mind. Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

 Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where’s my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

 Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots. And an Aquaman action figure. Looks like someone drew a penis on him. Huh? That’ll come off.

 And an Aquaman action figure. Looks like someone drew a penis on him. Huh? That’ll come off.

 Looks like someone drew a penis on him. Huh? That’ll come off. You see what you’re doing? Stop that. Fascinating.

 Huh? That’ll come off. You see what you’re doing? Stop that. Fascinating.

 Fascinating. What? It appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring. Oh.

 No, I can’t tell you who it is. Stop asking. Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo. I know lots of dangerous people, okay? Name one.

 Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo. I know lots of dangerous people, okay? Name one.

 If you’re suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement. He’s not saying it’s a magic ring. You’re not, are you? No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring. Mine!

 He’s not saying it’s a magic ring. You’re not, are you? No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring. Mine!

 No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring. Mine!

 No, but it’s close. Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this is the one ring. Mine! No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together. Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.

 Mine! No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together. Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.

 No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together. Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.

 Your guy Eddie Crispo? Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand. Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski. Why do you want a jet ski?

 Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand. Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski. Why do you want a jet ski?

 Okay, that’s a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski. Why do you want a jet ski?

 Guys, it’s stolen. It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies, it belongs to him. Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie. There are no Jewish hobbits. Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

 Fine. He can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie. There are no Jewish hobbits. Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

 There are no Jewish hobbits. Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

 Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.

 There are no Jewish hobbits. Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah. We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring? You mean my ring?

 Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah. We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring? You mean my ring?

 We are not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where’s the ring? You mean my ring?

 You mean my ring? What are you doing? The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did. Give me that.

 What are you doing? The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did. Give me that.

 The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did. Give me that.

 The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did. Give me that. Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski. I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.

 Give me that. Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski. I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.

 Look, let’s be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski. I found it. The ring is mine. I don’t understand why in this group I never get my way.

 I’ll stipulate to that if you give me the ring. Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap? Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it. What ring?

 Hey, guys. Enjoying your food that I actually brought you instead of promising food, but bringing you a box of random crap? Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it. What ring?

 Yeah, it’s delicious, the sarcasm’s a little stale, though. Hey, how about this? Until we figure out what to do with the ring, Penny holds on to it. What ring?

 What was that? Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him. That’s my girl.

 Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him. That’s my girl.

 I told you that when you hired me. I’m signing off now. Call your mother, she worries. Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.

 I’m signing off now. Call your mother, she worries. Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.

 Call your mother, she worries. Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.

 Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.

 Call your mother, she worries. Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe. You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring? You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.

 Okay, just so you know, if we’re bringing in cousins who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe. You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring? You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.

 You know what? I am ending this. Penny didn’t want to hold the ring anymore. She gave it to me, I have it. I’m sending it back. Where’s the ring? You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men’s room.

 You do realize there’s a giant bug movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel. (They start to move away from the table while all still holding the ring.) Wait, my laptop. (They go back for it.)

 Well, if you want privacy let go of the ring. I’m so glad we came to this gentile strip club! Howard, here’s more bacon to tuck into the shiksa’s G-string! I’ll call you back. I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies. Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!

 I’ll call you back. I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies. Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!

 I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies. Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies!

 I think it’s lovely you call your mommy and let her know you’re going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things, if a woman doesn’t breast-feed on time, it’s very uncomfortable for her boobies. Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies! If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies. Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?

 Don’t you talk about my mother’s boobies! If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies. Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?

 If you’re offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother’s boobies. Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother?

 Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don’t you go after Raj’s mother? Why don’t we go after your mother? Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add? That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.

 Why don’t we go after your mother? Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add? That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.

 Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add? That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun.

 Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you’d like to add? That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun. You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother. No! I call no Meemaws.

 That’s not gonna Better pull out the big gun. You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother. No! I call no Meemaws.

 You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother. No! I call no Meemaws.

 You’re right. Let’s talk about your grandmother. No! I call no Meemaws. Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex. I don’t want to hear this.

 No! I call no Meemaws. Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex. I don’t want to hear this.

 Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex. I don’t want to hear this.

 Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex. I don’t want to hear this. Then let go of the ring and walk away. Never.

 I don’t want to hear this. Then let go of the ring and walk away. Never.

 Then let go of the ring and walk away. Never. All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it. Stop it!

 Never. All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it. Stop it!

 All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it. Stop it!

 All right. I’ll bet your Meemaw didn’t just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it. Stop it! Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty. I said stop it!

 Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty. I said stop it! We’re getting to him. Waterfalls!

 We’re getting to him. Waterfalls! What? Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.

 What? Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks. What are you doing? Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.

 Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks. What are you doing? Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.

 What are you doing? Subliminal messaging. I’m going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.

 It’s, it’s not working, dude. Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee. Then let go of the ring and go. No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.

 Oh-ho-ho, it’s working all right. I have to pee. Then let go of the ring and go. No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.

 Then let go of the ring and go. No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too.

 Then let go of the ring and go. No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too. Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two… Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?

 No, actually, I wouldn’t mind going, too. Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two… Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?

 Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two… Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?

 Okay in Avatar when they have sex in Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk. Yeah, so? So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. What’s your point?

 Yeah, so? So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. What’s your point?

 So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. What’s your point?

 So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds, they also use their ponytails. What’s your point? My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron. It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

 What’s your point? My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron. It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

 My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron. It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie?

 My point is, if I were a horse or a bird, I’d be very nervous around James Cameron. It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie? Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science. And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?

 It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie? Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science. And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?

 Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science. And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year?

 Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the administration office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s Award for Science. And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year? Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You. I won?

 And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again? I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I’ll play. What self-important, preening fraud are they honouring this year? Oh, I’m so glad you asked it like that. You. I won?

 Didn’t it look like that spear was going to go right through your skull? No. Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses. Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.

 No. Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses. Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.

 Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses. Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.

 Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please.

 Hey, you didn’t want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven, you don’t get glasses. Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please. Uh, hang on, flaming arrow. Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.

 Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me. Uh, mute, please. Uh, hang on, flaming arrow. Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.

 Uh, hang on, flaming arrow. Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem.

 Hello? Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir? Yes, I was expecting your call (aside) three years ago. I see. Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech? Uh-huh. And if I don’t want to forfeit the award? Well, you’ve got that tied up in a neat little bow. All right. Thank you. (Hangs up) Problem. What? They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech. Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.

 What? They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech. Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.

 They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech. Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.

 Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up.

 They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can’t give a speech. Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up. Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking. I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

 Well, no, you’re mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can’t do is shut up. Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking. I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

 Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking. I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.

 Yeah, before the movie, you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking. I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds. What, to you, is a large crowd? Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

 I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds. What, to you, is a large crowd? Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

 What, to you, is a large crowd? Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

 Sheldon, congratulations. Brought you cheesecake from work. You know, ’cause of your award, not because a busboy sneezed on it. I’m not accepting the award. Why not? Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.

 I’m not accepting the award. Why not? Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.

 Why not? Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright. That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court. Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

 Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright. That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court. Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

 That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court. Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

 That’s no reason to back out. You know, I once got a pretty big honour in high school, and I was terrified about appearing in front of a big crowd, but I went through with it, and you know what? The world looked pretty darn good sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150 as a member of the Corn Queen’s court. Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize. Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous. Am I? Let me tell you a story.

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ll bear that in mind if I’m ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize. Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous. Am I? Let me tell you a story.

 Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous. Am I? Let me tell you a story.

 Sheldon, you’re being ridiculous. Am I? Let me tell you a story. Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em? I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.

 Am I? Let me tell you a story. Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em? I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.

 Where’s 70 children when you need ‘em? I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours.

 I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honours. I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks. I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.) Oh, my God.

 I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks. I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.) Oh, my God.

 I was valedictorian and expected to give an address. Even now, I can remember that moment when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd. There must have been thousands of people. My heart started pounding in my chest. I began to hyperventilate. My vision became blurry, and before I knew it… oh, dear. (He faints.) Oh, my God.

 Come on, Mother, you know why I can’t accept the award. With all due respect, I don’t think praying will help. No, I have not heard the song, Jesus, Take the Wheel. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don’t need to start singing it. Yes, I’ll buy it on the iTunes, Mother. Good-bye, Mother. (Enters apartment. The others are sitting as if waiting for him.) Hello. Sit down, we want to talk to you. Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you? Just sit.

 Sit down, we want to talk to you. Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you? Just sit.

 Am I in trouble? Did my mother call you? Just sit. We think we can help you with your stage fright. Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

 Just sit. We think we can help you with your stage fright. Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

 We think we can help you with your stage fright. Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you.

 Oh, I doubt that. I haven’t figured out a way, and I’m much smarter than all of you. Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together. Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant. Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.

 Yes, but you’re not smarter than all of us put together. Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant. Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.

 Oh, I’m sorry, that is what I meant. Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.

 Okay, your problem is, you’re trying to do this all by yourself.

 We can help you. We can be your team. Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men. I do like the X-Men. Did I see X-Men? Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.

 I do like the X-Men. Did I see X-Men? Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.

 Did I see X-Men? Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it.

 Did I see X-Men? Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it. Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon? I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?

 Yeah, we watched it last week. You said you liked it. Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon? I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?

 Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon? I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers?

 Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie. So, how about it, Sheldon? I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers? Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence. That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?

 I don’t know. If you’re my X-Men, what are your powers? Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence. That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?

 Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping, get you a nice suit. Might give you more confidence. That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard?

 That’s not exactly a mutation that would get you into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on. Leonard? I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety. What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.

 I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety. What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.

 What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.

 My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently.

 What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind? My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently. Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap. I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

 My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I’ve been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast-feeding co-dependently. Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap. I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

 Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap. I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me.

 Raj says he can teach you, what did you call it? I don’t know, some Indian meditation crap. I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me. My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy. And I appreciate the pretence.

 I see. Well, I assume, since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you’re saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go ahead, Howard. Dazzle me. My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy. And I appreciate the pretence.

 My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems. And that’s 24-7, buddy. And I appreciate the pretence.

 So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men? No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men. Oh, that’s not a good name.

 No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men. Oh, that’s not a good name.

 Okay, Sheldon. I’m going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears. And yet, you can’t speak to women. True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes. Okay, but don’t punch me.

 And yet, you can’t speak to women. True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes. Okay, but don’t punch me.

 True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes. Okay, but don’t punch me.

 True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, close your eyes. Okay, but don’t punch me. What? When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.

 Okay, but don’t punch me. What? When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.

 What? When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me.

 What? When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me. I’m not going to punch you. That’s what my sister used to say.

 When I was little, my sister would say to me, close your eyes, you’ll get a surprise, and then she’d punch me. I’m not going to punch you. That’s what my sister used to say.

 I’m not going to punch you. That’s what my sister used to say. Do you want to do this or not? I’m sorry. Proceed.

 That’s what my sister used to say. Do you want to do this or not? I’m sorry. Proceed.

 Do you want to do this or not? I’m sorry. Proceed. All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that? Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.

 I’m sorry. Proceed. All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that? Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.

 All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that? Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis.

 All right. Imagine yourself in the one place you feel most at home. Where is that? Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis. Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis. Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

 Sim City. More specifically, the Sim City I designed, Sheldonopolis. Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis. Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

 Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis. Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

 Okay, you’re in Sheldonopolis. Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons? Whatever you like. I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.

 Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons? Whatever you like. I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.

 Whatever you like. I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.

 Whatever you like. I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation. Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square. Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.

 I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation. Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square. Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.

 Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square. Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy.

 Fine. You’re in Sheldon Square. Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy. Then, put on a sweater. Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

 Really? This time of year? It’s a bit nippy. Then, put on a sweater. Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

 Then, put on a sweater. Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

 Then, put on a sweater. Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart. Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater. You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

 Suppose I could run downtown and pick up something at Shel-Mart. Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater. You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

 Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater. You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

 Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater. You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount. You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater! Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

 You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount. You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater! Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

 You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater! Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

 You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater! Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly. All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square. Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.

 Look, I didn’t turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly. All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square. Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.

 All right. You’ve paid for a sweater, and you’re in Sheldon Square. Hang on. It’s a cardigan. I have to button it. Oh, no.

 What now? A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can’t run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror! (Sound of door slamming) Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

 It’ll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I’m feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life. Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt? Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice. It’s only one colour.

 Don’t you eventually realize you’re just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt? Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice. It’s only one colour.

 Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice. It’s only one colour.

 Yeah, that’s when I buy shoes. Now, let’s see what we’ve got. Ooh! This is nice. It’s only one colour. Yeah, so? That’s a lot of money for only one colour.

 It’s only one colour. Yeah, so? That’s a lot of money for only one colour.

 Fine. Why don’t you pick out what you like. Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp. No, you’re wrong. This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.

 Hmm. (Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit). This is pretty sharp. No, you’re wrong. This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.

 No, you’re wrong. This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.

 This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner.

 No, you’re wrong. This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner. Where the hell d’you find that? In the prom department.

 This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. (Cut to Sheldon exiting in a white dinner suit with tails) Okay, I think we have a winner. Where the hell d’you find that? In the prom department.

 Where the hell d’you find that? In the prom department. It’s ridiculous. Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.

 In the prom department. It’s ridiculous. Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.

 It’s ridiculous. Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court.

 Says the former member of the Corn Queen’s Court. Please just try this one on. Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.

 Please just try this one on. Okay. But anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. (Goes into changing room. Comes out in black suit looking terrific.) This is absurd. I look like a clown.

 So, Sheldon, how you doing? That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s. I’m sorry, I’ll start again. Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?

 That’s how you start a psychotherapy session? How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead, I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph’s. I’m sorry, I’ll start again. Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?

 I’m sorry, I’ll start again. Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?

 I’m sorry, I’ll start again. Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams? Um, I don’t know, maybe. I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

 Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams? Um, I don’t know, maybe. I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

 Um, I don’t know, maybe. I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.

 Um, I don’t know, maybe. I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal. How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? I was wearing size a million pants.

 I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal. How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? I was wearing size a million pants.

 How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? I was wearing size a million pants.

 How did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale? I was wearing size a million pants. Why don’t we just talk? Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

 I was wearing size a million pants. Why don’t we just talk? Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

 Why don’t we just talk? Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle.

 Why don’t we just talk? Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle. Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here? Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

 Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle. Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here? Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

 Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here? Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

 Why don’t I just start? Sometimes people have trouble accepting accolades if, on a subconscious level, they don’t feel they deserve them. Do you think maybe that’s what’s happening here? Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free. But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back. And how did that make you feel?

 Really, Leonard? You’re just going to try to recycle Adler’s doctrine of the inferiority complex? I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph’s. And she’d let me taste some pieces of cheese for free. But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back. And how did that make you feel?

 But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back. And how did that make you feel?

 But it could be part of your problem. Let me give you an example. When I was eight, I won a ribbon at the science fair for my project, “Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music.” But my mother pointed out that it was just a rehash of my brother’s earlier “Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock ‘n’ Roll.” I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back. And how did that make you feel? Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout. Go on.

 And how did that make you feel? Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout. Go on.

 Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout. Go on.

 Terrible. I worked really hard on that project. I stayed up all night singing the clown’s aria from Pagliacci to a lima bean sprout. Go on. It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone. So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.

 Go on. It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone. So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.

 It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone. So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother.

 It wasn’t my fault. I had never seen my brother’s project. And my mother could’ve told me before instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone. So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother. Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again. Thank you, Leonard.

 So, I hear you saying you’re angry with your mother. Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again. Thank you, Leonard.

 Damn right, I’m angry with my mother. For God’s sake, I was eight years old. She humiliated me. That’s when the bed-wetting started again. Thank you, Leonard.

 For what? If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony. Wait, that’s it? I thought we had a whole hour!

 If someone as damaged as you can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning, I think I can face a simple award ceremony. Wait, that’s it? I thought we had a whole hour!

 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and it is my very great honour to introduce the winner of this year’s Chancellor’s award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. But before I do, I’d like to share with you a letter from Sheldon’s mother, who couldn’t be here tonight. Isn’t that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She’s proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That’s what she calls him. Shelly, it’s a pet name. You know what my mother’s pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. I am so proud of… (continues as background noise) Oh, dear. What’s the matter? I’m getting dizzy.

 What’s the matter? I’m getting dizzy. Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men. I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.

 I’m getting dizzy. Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men. I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.

 Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men. I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.

 Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men. I can’t do this. I’m going to faint. Here, drink this. It’ll relax you. Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.

 I can’t do this. I’m going to faint. Here, drink this. It’ll relax you. Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.

 Here, drink this. It’ll relax you. Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.

 Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol. Fine, faint. I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective. Here, see if this one works.

 Fine, faint. I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective. Here, see if this one works.

 I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective. Here, see if this one works.

 I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective. Here, see if this one works. First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me. I’m ready.

 Here, see if this one works. First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me. I’m ready.

 First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me. I’m ready.

 Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Thanks, shorty,I’ll take it from here. All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side, bazinga! All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge. Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha! I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field. Let’s get serious for a moment. Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. (Singing) There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium,

 Sure. Question one, where are my pants? You might want to check YouTube. What do I search?

 Question one, where are my pants? You might want to check YouTube. What do I search?

 Question one, where are my pants? You might want to check YouTube. What do I search? It’s already loaded. Just hit play.

 You might want to check YouTube. What do I search? It’s already loaded. Just hit play.

 What do I search? It’s already loaded. Just hit play. All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over. Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.

 It’s already loaded. Just hit play. All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over. Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.

 All right, people, let’s get down to the math. It is only three dimensional thinking that limits our imagination. Can I take my pants off over my head? Of course not. My body’s in the way. But if we had access to higher dimensions, we could move our pants around our bodies through the fourth dimension and our days of dropping trousers would be over. Oh, Lord, this couldn’t be any more humiliating.

 Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants? Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile. You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?

 Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile. You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?

 You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?

 Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?

 You are ignoring the square-cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton. And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jet pack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant. Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants? What’s with him? Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.

 Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants? What’s with him? Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.

 What’s with him? Perhaps he’s at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.

 Not literally. But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men’s hormone levels. Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I’m talking about.

 Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month. You know what I’m talking about.

 Leonard, where do you stand on giant rabbits and scrotal position? I honestly don’t care. Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions. What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.

 I honestly don’t care. Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions. What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.

 Really? Because every time we’ve talked about unusual animal genitals, you’ve always had some pretty strong and controversial opinions. What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass.

 What do you want from me? I just don’t give a rat’s ass. Would that be a giant rat’s ass? For the record, giant rats are possible. Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?

 Would that be a giant rat’s ass? For the record, giant rats are possible. Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?

 For the record, giant rats are possible. Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?

 Can we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?

 Of course they are. Leonard’s being one. Maybe he’s having a lover’s spat with Penny. No, there was no spat. Oh, but something happened.

 Maybe he’s having a lover’s spat with Penny. No, there was no spat. Oh, but something happened.

 What’d you do, Romeo? You pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack? Did you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out? What? No. I’m just asking, dude. It happens.

 Did you think it would be funny to put on a pair of her panties and jump around, but it wound up just creeping her out? What? No. I’m just asking, dude. It happens.

 What? No. I’m just asking, dude. It happens. You guys still on for bowling tonight? Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.

 I’m just asking, dude. It happens. You guys still on for bowling tonight? Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.

 You guys still on for bowling tonight? Oh, yes. In fact, I’ve prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your mama. Unless, of course, she bowls well. In which case, you bowl nothing like her.

 Oh, hey. Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock. Oh, right, bowling. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.

 Good, Penny, reminder, bowling tonight at seven o’clock. Oh, right, bowling. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.

 Oh, right, bowling. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.

 Oh, right, bowling. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me. We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.

 You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me. We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.

 No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me. We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage.

 No, no, it’s okay. I mean, let’s face it, you guys would get creamed without me. We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage. It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon. Sarcasm?

 We would indeed. In this particular case, your lack of femininity works to our advantage. It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon. Sarcasm?

 It’s always nice chatting with you, Sheldon. Sarcasm? Thinly veiled contempt. Remember, seven o’clock.

 Thinly veiled contempt. Remember, seven o’clock. Got it. Pacific Daylight time!

 Pacific Daylight time! Bite me! Please reserve that butch spirit for the lanes.

 These are my own bowling shoes. Then what’s with the disinfectant? I know where my feet have been. Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.

 Then what’s with the disinfectant? I know where my feet have been. Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.

 I know where my feet have been. Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.

 Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton.

 I know where my feet have been. Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton. Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going? Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

 Hey, Penny! And you guys. Albino Bob couldn’t make it, so I brought a substitute. I believe some of you know Wil Wheaton. Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going? Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

 Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going? Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox.

 Hi, Sheldon. How’s it going? Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox. You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you? I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?

 Well, well, well. If it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul the fifth to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox. You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you? I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?

 You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you? I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you?

 You’re not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you? I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you? It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl? Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.

 I’m the proud owner of Wil Wheaton stinks dot com, dot net, and dot org. What does that tell you? It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl? Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.

 It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl? Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good.

 It tells me that I am living rent-free right here (pointing at Sheldon’s head). You ready to bowl? Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good. Great. Then it’s on. Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.

 Oh, I’m ready. I don’t know if Stuart told you what you’re up against tonight, but before you stands the co-captain of the East Texas Christian Youth Holy Roller Bowling League championship team. Seven to twelve year-old division. Also, Penny’s pretty good. Great. Then it’s on. Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.

 Great. Then it’s on. Oh, foolish Wil Wheaton, it was never off.

 Ah, the premature I love you. I guessed premature. Does that count?

 What? This is for you. Ice cream? I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.

 This is for you. Ice cream? I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.

 Ice cream? I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream.

 Ice cream? I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream. Um, Ach. If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.

 I’ve been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she’s upset, she says Ach and eats ice cream. Um, Ach. If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.

 Um, Ach. If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna.

 Um, Ach. If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna. Did Leonard send you over here? No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.

 If you were a cat, I would have brought you a lasagna. Did Leonard send you over here? No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.

 Did Leonard send you over here? No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton.

 Did Leonard send you over here? No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton. Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.

 No, we haven’t spoken since your abrupt departure last night caused us to forfeit to Stuart and his dastardly ringer Wil Wheaton. Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.

 Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep.

 Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep. Again, I’m sorry. And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.

 I’m not too proud to admit that I cried myself to sleep. Again, I’m sorry. And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.

 Again, I’m sorry. And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette.

 Again, I’m sorry. And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette. You’re kidding. No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.

 And let me tell you sleep did not come easily with Leonard in the next room singing along with Alanis Morrisette. You’re kidding. No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.

 You’re kidding. No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream.

 You’re kidding. No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream. All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better? The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.

 No. Clearly another woman in dire need of ice cream. All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better? The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.

 All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better? The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight.

 All right, Sheldon, what part of this is supposed to make me feel better? The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight. Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now. You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.

 The part where I tell you I’ve engineered a rematch with Stuart’s team for tonight. Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now. You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.

 Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now. You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that.

 Oh, honey, I don’t know. Things are a little weird with Leonard right now. You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that. No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you. When are you going to talk to him?

 You want me to remove him from the team? I’m the captain, I can do that. No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you. When are you going to talk to him?

 No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you. When are you going to talk to him?

 No, no, that’s okay. Just let me talk to him, and I’ll get back to you. When are you going to talk to him? I don’t know. He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.

 When are you going to talk to him? I don’t know. He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.

 I don’t know. He’s in the laundry room now. Now would be a good time.

 Really? I wouldn’t know what that’s like. I’m sorry. You know what I’m talking about, though. Yeah, I do. So, we’re good?

 I’m sorry. You know what I’m talking about, though. Yeah, I do. So, we’re good?

 Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. We are good. We are great. All right! Fence mended, problem swept under the rug. Time to bowl! Yes, I was eavesdropping, there’s a lot at stake here.

 The Wesley Crushers? No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.” I don’t get it. Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.

 No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley “Crushers.” I don’t get it. Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.

 I don’t get it. Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek.

 I don’t get it. Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. Still don’t get it. It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.

 Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton’s character on Star Trek. Still don’t get it. It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.

 Still don’t get it. It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley.

 Still don’t get it. It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley. Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher. What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 It’s a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character’s name and adding the S, we imply that we we’ll be the crushers of Wesley. Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher. What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher. What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 Okay, I’m sorry, honey, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher. What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.” You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers. Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 What? No! Again, it’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.” You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers. Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers. Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.”

 You know, if you want it to mean you’re crushing Wesley, it’d be the “Wesley” Crushers. Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.” Hey, look. They named their team after me. No, it’s not the… Never mind.

 Do you people even hear yourselves? It’s not the Wesley Crushers. It’s not the “Wesley” Crushers. It’s the Wesley “Crushers.” Hey, look. They named their team after me. No, it’s not the… Never mind.

 Hey, look. They named their team after me. No, it’s not the… Never mind.

 No, it’s not the… Never mind. So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes? Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis. Ouch again.

 So, we’re all clear on the bet and the stakes? Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis. Ouch again.

 Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis. Ouch again.

 Oh, yes. The losers will be publicly humiliated in a fashion to be chosen by the victor. FYI, I plan on having you publish a scientific paper expounding the discredited Velikovsky hypothesis. Ouch again. Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you. Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?

 Ouch again. Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you. Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?

 Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you. Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler?

 Hey, Sheldon, I just wanted you to know that I’m really looking forward to wiping the floor with you. Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler? After you. No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.

 Oh, yes? Well, before I respond, let me ask you a question. Is your mother a good or poor bowler? After you. No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.

 After you. No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.

 After you. No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley. It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first. All right.

 No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley. It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first. All right.

 It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first. All right.

 It’s customary for the player on the right-hand lane to bowl first. All right. It’s a custom, not a rule. I so loathe you.

 That’s right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side. That’s not even from your franchise! I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will. Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.

 That’s not even from your franchise! I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will. Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.

 I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will. Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know.

 I, um, I want you to know that even though we’re on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will. Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know. Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now. Be the ball, Howard.

 Thank you, Stuart. It’s nice to know. Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now. Be the ball, Howard.

 Mmm, mmm. People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what’s-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. I’m gonna bowl now. Be the ball, Howard.

 Mm-hmm. Gets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Tonight we’re just throwing a ball at some pins. Yeah, that’s right. Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.

 Gets us out of our heads. You get in your head, you start to overthink, overanalyze, obsess, you worry. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Tonight we’re just throwing a ball at some pins. Yeah, that’s right. Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.

 Yeah, that’s right. Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.

 Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up.

 Yeah, that’s right. Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up. Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.

 Mm-hmm, and someday, we don’t know when, maybe you’ll love me back. Ooh, I’m up. Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.

 Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Shel-don! Excuse me. I don’t know who you’re chanting for as I am currently the ball.

 Thanks. Yeah, I wish she had just broken up with me right there, put me out of my misery. Really? Yeah, would have been kinder. Wil, you’re up.

 Yeah, would have been kinder. Wil, you’re up. Oh, that’s me. Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?

 Wil, you’re up. Oh, that’s me. Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head?

 Oh, that’s me. Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head? What are you talking about? He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?

 Did you let Wil Wheaton get in your head? What are you talking about? He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?

 What are you talking about? He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died?

 What are you talking about? He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died? No! Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.

 He’s evil. He plays evil mind games. Did he tell you his grandmother died? No! Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.

 No! Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card.

 No! Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card. Yes! Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.

 Well, if he does, don’t believe it. He’s not above playing the dead meemaw card. Yes! Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.

 Yes! Enjoy the accolades now, Wil Wheaton, but like your time on Star Trek: Next Generation, your smug self-satisfaction will be short-lived.

 Yeah, you are! Just back off! Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up. I didn’t mean shut up. Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.

 Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up. I didn’t mean shut up. Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.

 I didn’t mean shut up. Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.

 I didn’t mean shut up. Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry. Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!

 Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry. Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!

 No, this isn’t fair to you, Leonard. I’m sorry. Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream!

 Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I’ll get you ice cream! No, let her go. Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over! I’m pretty sure it’s already over.

 No, let her go. Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over! I’m pretty sure it’s already over.

 Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over! I’m pretty sure it’s already over.

 Are you insane? If she leaves, it’s over! I’m pretty sure it’s already over. Tough luck, Sheldon. You did this, didn’t you?

 I’m pretty sure it’s already over. Tough luck, Sheldon. You did this, didn’t you?

 Tough luck, Sheldon. You did this, didn’t you? Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match? No, I suppose not.

 You did this, didn’t you? Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match? No, I suppose not.

 Do you think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match? No, I suppose not.

 Oh, damn, they cancelled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard! Uh-oh. What? I was going to get my mail.

 What? I was going to get my mail. Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

 I was going to get my mail. Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

 Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.

 Okay. Are, are you hoping to get it telepathically? I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus. God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

 I think you mean telekinetically. And no, I just wasn’t sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus. God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

 God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus.

 God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other? Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus. Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus. Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.

 Well, we could if it were true. But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed is the coitus. Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus. Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.

 Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus. Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends.

 Okay, here’s the protocol, you and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus. Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends. Really? Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

 Good, good. I’m glad we’re still friends. Really? Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

 Really? Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain.

 Really? Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain. Right. Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

 Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life. I’d hate for that effort to have been in vain. Right. Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

 Right. Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?

 Right. Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you? Everyone. Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.

 Just to be clear do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you? Everyone. Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.

 Everyone. Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse.

 Everyone. Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse. Great. Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

 Harsh terms. But all right, I’ll just substitute intercourse. Great. Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

 Great. Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve.

 Great. Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve. So, how you been? Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

 Or fornication. Yeah. But that has judgmental overtones, so I’ll hold that in reserve. So, how you been? Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

 So, how you been? Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period.

 So, how you been? Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period. You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you? Bazinga.

 Well, my existence is a continuum, so I’ve been what I am at each point in the implied time period. You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you? Bazinga.

 You’re just coitusing with me, aren’t you? Bazinga. Mmm. How’s Leonard doing? He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

 Bazinga. Mmm. How’s Leonard doing? He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

 Mmm. How’s Leonard doing? He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.

 Mmm. How’s Leonard doing? He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it. I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

 He seems all right. Although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Oh, but now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it. I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

 I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it. I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.

 I’ll pretend I didn’t hear it. I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce. Yep. That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

 I’d rather you pretend I didn’t say it. I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce. Yep. That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

 Yep. That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat.

 Yep. That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat. Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night. I’m hungry now.

 That’s the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that’s what the Romans made Jesus eat. Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night. I’m hungry now.

 Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night. I’m hungry now.

 Interesting. I’ll have to have you over for spaghetti some night. I’m hungry now. Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over? Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

 I’m hungry now. Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over? Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

 Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over? Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce?

 Oh. Um, okay. Why don’t you give me an hour and come over? Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce? I don’t have hot dogs. Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

 Will you cut up hot dogs into little chunks and mix them in with the sauce? I don’t have hot dogs. Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

 I don’t have hot dogs. Oh, it’s all right, I do. Oh! You’re in for what my mother calls a real Eye-talian treat. (Enters apartment).

 Hey, where you been? I was talking with Penny. What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool. No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.

 I was talking with Penny. What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool. No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.

 What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool. No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it.

 What’s wrong with you? You can’t hang out with your roommate’s ex. That’s totally uncool. No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it. Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black. Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

 No, no, it’s fine. I don’t care. I’m over it. Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black. Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

 Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black. Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

 Yeah, he’s over it, that’s why he’s been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black. Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil. So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny. Which one picks last?

 Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil. So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny. Which one picks last?

 So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny. Which one picks last?

 So would Ben Affleck. The point is, in a situation like this you got to pick sides. You’re either on Team Leonard or Team Penny. Which one picks last? What? Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

 Which one picks last? What? Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

 What? Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair.

 What? Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair. Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry. Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

 Well, usually I’m on the team that picks last. Unless there’s a kid in a wheelchair. Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry. Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

 Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry. Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm!

 Sheldon, I got you your tangerine chicken. I hope you’re hungry. Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm! Okay. Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?

 Well, of course I’m hungry. And as I have no plans to eat with any other team, I will consume my tangerine chicken with the appropriate gusto. Mm, mm, mm! Okay. Just out of curiosity, do we still have hot dogs?

 What about you, Raj? Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again. I never stopped hanging out with you. Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

 Oh, there it is, now that you don’t have a girlfriend, you want to hang out with me again. I never stopped hanging out with you. Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

 I never stopped hanging out with you. Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

 Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman.

 Oh, please, we all know I’m the friend you call when you have no other options. If we were the Justice League, I’d be Aquaman. I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank. Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage. You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.

 I wish you were Aquaman. Then I could send you to scoop my mom out of the old lady tank. Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage. You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.

 Excuse me, I’m thirsty, so I’m going to go to the refrigerator and get myself a refreshing beverage. You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone.

 You know what? I’ll just spend the evening alone. What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you? Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk. Since when do you take after-dinner walks?

 What, suddenly I’m not good enough for you? Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk. Since when do you take after-dinner walks?

 Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk. Since when do you take after-dinner walks?

 Ah, I do so love beverages. Now I think I’ll take my after-dinner walk. Since when do you take after-dinner walks? Yeah, since when do you take walks? I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

 Since when do you take after-dinner walks? Yeah, since when do you take walks? I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

 Yeah, since when do you take walks? I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye.

 Yeah, since when do you take walks? I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye. Hold on. I’ll walk down with you. Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.

 I read a study online that walking after a meal not only aids in digestion, but increases serotonin, and you know me, if there’s one thing I like more than a refreshing beverage, it’s serotonin. Bye-bye. Hold on. I’ll walk down with you. Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.

 Hold on. I’ll walk down with you. Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first.

 Hold on. I’ll walk down with you. Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first. Or we could go together. I can’t think of a reason why not.

 Oh, that’s not necessary. You can go first. Or we could go together. I can’t think of a reason why not.

 Okay. What? You said you were going for a walk. I didn’t say outside.

 What? You said you were going for a walk. I didn’t say outside.

 I didn’t say outside. So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs? No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Here Bubbles. Here boy.

 So what, you’re just gonna walk up and down the stairs? No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Here Bubbles. Here boy.

 No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Here Bubbles. Here boy.

 No, of course not. That would be odd and suspicious behavior. Here Bubbles. Here boy. Which way are you going? Which way are you going?

 Here Bubbles. Here boy. Which way are you going? Which way are you going?

 Which way are you going? Which way are you going? I parked my scooter down the block. I’m going the other way. Bye.

 Which way are you going? I parked my scooter down the block. I’m going the other way. Bye.

 I parked my scooter down the block. I’m going the other way. Bye.

 I parked my scooter down the block. I’m going the other way. Bye. Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs? No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.

 I’m going the other way. Bye. Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs? No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.

 Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs? No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.

 Bye. Actually, I’m this way. Do I smell hot dogs? No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell. I definitely smell raw hot dog. Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.

 No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell. I definitely smell raw hot dog. Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.

 I definitely smell raw hot dog. Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour.

 I definitely smell raw hot dog. Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour. All right, have a nice walk. I shall. Have a nice scoot.

 Perhaps you’re getting a brain tumour. All right, have a nice walk. I shall. Have a nice scoot.

 I do, and you’ll fall hopelessly in love and give her your heart. And she’ll take it and grind it into pathetic, little pieces. But we’ll have sex first, right?

 So, um, was Leonard okay with you coming over? Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal. Well, good. I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.

 Oh, yes. In fact, he said, I’m fine, I don’t care. And he in no way said it in a manner which would lead one to believe that he was covering up feelings of anguish and betrayal. Well, good. I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.

 Well, good. I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you.

 Well, good. I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you. He’s been crying? Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

 I’m also pleased to report that he’s all cried out over you. He’s been crying? Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

 He’s been crying? Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention.

 He’s been crying? Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention. Oh, God, I feel terrible. Do you have a stomach ache, too?

 Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn’t supposed to mention. Oh, God, I feel terrible. Do you have a stomach ache, too?

 Oh, God, I feel terrible. Do you have a stomach ache, too? No. Why, do you? No.

 No. Why, do you? No. Why did you ask if I had one, too? Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.

 No. Why did you ask if I had one, too? Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.

 Why did you ask if I had one, too? Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn.

 Why did you ask if I had one, too? Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn. All right. So, what’s new in your life? Well, my new shoes are not made for running.

 Just making polite dinner conversation. Your turn. All right. So, what’s new in your life? Well, my new shoes are not made for running.

 All right. So, what’s new in your life? Well, my new shoes are not made for running.

 All right. So, what’s new in your life? Well, my new shoes are not made for running. Have you been running? No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

 Well, my new shoes are not made for running. Have you been running? No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

 Have you been running? No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

 Have you been running? No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm. I’m so glad you like it. I do. Leonard never cooks for me.

 No. It’s just a suspicion I have. Mmm, mmm, mmm. I’m so glad you like it. I do. Leonard never cooks for me.

 I’m so glad you like it. I do. Leonard never cooks for me. Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook. You can’t cook and you made me this.

 I do. Leonard never cooks for me. Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook. You can’t cook and you made me this.

 Well, maybe that’s ’cause Leonard can’t cook. You can’t cook and you made me this.

 I’m pretty sure Martha Stewart never got naked with a room full of big, fat Japanese guys. You don’t know that. Prison changes people. Hey, where you been? I told you, walking.

 You don’t know that. Prison changes people. Hey, where you been? I told you, walking.

 Hey, where you been? I told you, walking. For an hour and a half? I got lost.

 For an hour and a half? I got lost. How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS. Satellites are down. Solar flares.

 I got lost. How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS. Satellites are down. Solar flares.

 How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS. Satellites are down. Solar flares.

 How could you get lost? Your phone has GPS. Satellites are down. Solar flares. There are no solar flares right now. Yes, there are.

 Satellites are down. Solar flares. There are no solar flares right now. Yes, there are.

 I don’t know. Do you think this is really Hillary Clinton doing it with Oprah? Oh, we really need to get you a girl.

 Oh, just come in! Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. What do you want, Sheldon? Maybe this isn’t a good time.

 Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. What do you want, Sheldon? Maybe this isn’t a good time.

 What do you want, Sheldon? Maybe this isn’t a good time. Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you. Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

 Maybe this isn’t a good time. Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you. Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

 Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you. Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

 Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you. Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me. What do you want? You may want to sit down.

 Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me. What do you want? You may want to sit down.

 What do you want? You may want to sit down. I’m in bed! Point taken. You may want to sit up.

 You may want to sit down. I’m in bed! Point taken. You may want to sit up.

 I’m in bed! Point taken. You may want to sit up. Sheldon! I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.

 Point taken. You may want to sit up. Sheldon! I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back.

 Sheldon! I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back. Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

 I’ve been seeing Penny behind your back. Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

 Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it?

 Okay, when you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean? We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it? Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

 We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it. Well, little hot dog. I gave up the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real, big dog. A hell hound. Tangential to the primary story. How about I circle back to it? Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

 Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.

 Fine. Why did you have dinner with Penny? I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

 I told you, she made spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

 Then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

 Then why did you have Chinese food with us? I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money. Is it possible he said Bros before Hos? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.

 I didn’t want to upset you. Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money. Is it possible he said Bros before Hos? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.

 Is it possible he said Bros before Hos? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos.

 Is it possible he said Bros before Hos? Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos. Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny. Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

 Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hos. Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny. Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

 Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny. Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified?

 Sheldon, I don’t care if you want to be friends with Penny. Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified? Yes. Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

 Oh. Well, so the emotional turmoil that’s been keeping me from achieving REM sleep was entirely unjustified? Yes. Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

 Yes. Well then as my meemaw would say, looks like we butchered a pig, but nobody wanted bacon.

 We’re home. It’s ten o’clock, where have you been? We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic. I was going to see that with him.

 It’s ten o’clock, where have you been? We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic. I was going to see that with him.

 We stayed for the California Adventure water show. It was pure Disney magic. I was going to see that with him.

 I was going to see that with him. How was I supposed to know that? It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you. And I have food here. You said you were going to call.

 How was I supposed to know that? It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you. And I have food here. You said you were going to call.

 It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you. And I have food here. You said you were going to call.

 It’s all right. I’ll see it again with you. And I have food here. You said you were going to call. I know, I know. I can still eat.

 And I have food here. You said you were going to call. I know, I know. I can still eat.

 No, you already threw up once. Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth. Okay, but just don’t fight We’re not fighting. Just go.

 Kidding. Just a couple of friends goofin’ around. No, Goofy, no.

 I’m sorry? Do you have allergies? No. Is there too much pepper on your salad?

 Do you have allergies? No. Is there too much pepper on your salad?

 No. Is there too much pepper on your salad? I don’t put pepper on salads. I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.

 Is there too much pepper on your salad? I don’t put pepper on salads. I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.

 I don’t put pepper on salads. I’ve heard enough. Sit over there.

 That’s what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly, her friends buckled. Guys, help me. Sheldon, come on. Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.

 Guys, help me. Sheldon, come on. Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.

 Sheldon, come on. Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own.

 Sheldon, come on. Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own. See you, buddy. Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

 Yeah, it’s just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes) You’re on your own. See you, buddy. Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

 See you, buddy. Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.

 See you, buddy. Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment. When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right? Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

 Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment. When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right? Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

 When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right? Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys.

 When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right? Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys. Are you planning on kidnapping a woman? Sarcasm?

 Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically-enhanced helper monkeys. Are you planning on kidnapping a woman? Sarcasm?

 Are you planning on kidnapping a woman? Sarcasm? Yes, but mixed with genuine concern. For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

 Sarcasm? Yes, but mixed with genuine concern. For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

 Yes, but mixed with genuine concern. For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.

 Yes, but mixed with genuine concern. For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton. The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

 For your information, I’ll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton. The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

 The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university.

 The cosmological physicist from Princeton? Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university. Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers! I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

 Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin. We’ve been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe. And now she’s under consideration for a position at our university. Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers! I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

 Why didn’t you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers! I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto.

 I didn’t realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you’re a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I’ve been to Toronto. Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep? My room, of course. Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!

 Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep? My room, of course. Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap!

 My room, of course. Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap! Yeah, um, I have a two-part question. Go ahead.

 Holy crap! (Through napkin) Holy crap! Yeah, um, I have a two-part question. Go ahead.

 Yeah, um, I have a two-part question. Go ahead. A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.

 Go ahead. A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.

 A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.

 A, are you kidding me? And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me? A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga. So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?

 A, I rarely kid. And B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga. So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?

 So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Yes. Bazinga. Leonard?

 So you’re saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed? Yes. Bazinga. Leonard? Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel? Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

 Yes. Bazinga. Leonard? Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel? Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

 Thank you. Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel? Well, she doesn’t care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don’t open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one’s wallet. All right, I believe I have time for one more question. Yes, Raj?

 I can’t believe he’s friends with Elizabeth Plimpton. I can’t believe they let him into Canada. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.

 I can’t believe they let him into Canada. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.

 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You heard the man. Where’s your throat cultures? Kidding. Sit down.

 Hey, Sheldon. Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype? What? What are you doing with, what? The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

 Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype? What? What are you doing with, what? The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

 What? What are you doing with, what? The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

 What? What are you doing with, what? The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject. Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads? I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

 The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject. Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads? I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

 Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads? I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.

 Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads? I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days. Oh. What? I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

 I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days. Oh. What? I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

 Oh. What? I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.

 Oh. What? I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel. Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you? Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?

 I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel. Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you? Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?

 Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you? Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?

 Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You’re having a woman stay with you? Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody? Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled. A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

 Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody? Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled. A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

 Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled. A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.

 Oh, no, no, no, no. I’m not flabbergasted. I’m puzzled. Yeah, let’s go with puzzled. A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber. Female jibber jabber? Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.

 A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber. Female jibber jabber? Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.

 Female jibber jabber? Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.

 Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina. Oh, they’re not my friends. I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

 Oh, they’re not my friends. I’m not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

 Oh, good grief. This isn’t about you. Coming! Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event. Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer. Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello. Hello.

 Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer. Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello. Hello.

 Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello. Hello.

 Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I’d written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn’t confuse it with what I’d written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. ‘Cause if I tried to go there, I’d be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello. Hello. Nice to finally meet you in person. I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 Hello. Nice to finally meet you in person. I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 Nice to finally meet you in person. I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

 I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist. No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

 Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi, and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it’s nice to meet you. I’ve read both your books and most of your papers. I’m Leonard, I live I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist. No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

 I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist. No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

 No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo.

 I apologize. He’s only an experimental physicist. No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo. Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything? No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

 No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I’m sorry, I’m rambling. Hi-lo. Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything? No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

 Are you hungry, thirsty? Can I offer you anything? No, she’s my guest. If anyone should offer her anything, it should be me. Elizabeth, can I get you something? Perhaps a feminine hygiene product or a bowel-regulating yogurt?

 Thank you so much for opening up your home to me. Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys. I’m so glad you understand. No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.

 Well, who wants to stay in a hotel? With windows that don’t open, those crazy card-shaped keys. I’m so glad you understand. No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.

 I’m so glad you understand. No, he doesn’t understand. I understand.

 I’m so glad you understand. No, he doesn’t understand. I understand. Well, I understand, too. You’re just misappropriating my understanding.

 No, he doesn’t understand. I understand. Well, I understand, too. You’re just misappropriating my understanding.

 Well, I understand, too. You’re just misappropriating my understanding.

 You’re just misappropriating my understanding. Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you. From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room. All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.

 Oh, (blows a raspberry). I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would’ve already wanted you before they, you know, got you. From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room. All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.

 From the mind that brought you hi-lo. Let me show you to your room. All right. I guess I am tired. Good night, Leonard.

 Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight, then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I’m smart. Get it together, man.

 Good to know. In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive. What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports? Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?

 In here, you’ll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive. What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports? Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?

 What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports? Then there’s really no reason to live, is there?

 What if there’s a disaster that destroys all the USB ports? Then there’s really no reason to live, is there? Can I ask a question about your roommate? He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?

 Then there’s really no reason to live, is there? Can I ask a question about your roommate? He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?

 Can I ask a question about your roommate? He’s an odd duck, isn’t he?

 Can I ask a question about your roommate? He’s an odd duck, isn’t he? What’s his relationship status? Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.

 He’s an odd duck, isn’t he? What’s his relationship status? Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.

 What’s his relationship status? Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes.

 What’s his relationship status? Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes. Okay. Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.

 Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That’s why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you’ll find in the bathroom. They’re in the drawer labelled Wet Wipes. Okay. Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.

 Okay. Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram.

 Okay. Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram. How thoughtful. Sleep well, my friend.

 Good. I’ll leave you to your night time ablutions. I’ve e-mailed you the morning bathroom schedule. You’ll also find a laminated copy in your welcome packet. It’s on the back of the emergency escape route diagram. How thoughtful. Sleep well, my friend.

 Here, let me show you. When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars, we start to see (removes robe) a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble’s constant. Wow. You really make science come alive.

 Morning, Sheldon. Morning. Morning, Sheldon. Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.

 Morning. Morning, Sheldon. Morning. I trust you had a pleasant night.

 How do you take your coffee? Black. Okeydoke. Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.

 Black. Okeydoke. Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.

 Okeydoke. Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.

 Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas.

 Okeydoke. Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas. Something his mother taught him. All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.

 Pee for Houston, pee for Austin, pee for the state my heart got lost in. And shake twice for Texas. Something his mother taught him. All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.

 Something his mother taught him. All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.

 Something his mother taught him. All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection. That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first. Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

 All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection. That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first. Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

 That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first. Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

 That’s very thoughtful, but I think I’ll finish my coffee first. Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer. Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work. Did you once again ignore your check engine light?

 Ah, so the yogurt didn’t work. I’ll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer. Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work. Did you once again ignore your check engine light?

 Oh, good, you’re up. Look, my car won’t start. I need a ride to work. Did you once again ignore your check engine light?

 Oh, Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn’t understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay? Yes, very much.

 Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay? Yes, very much.

 Nice to meet you, too. Are you enjoying your stay? Yes, very much.

 What, uh, you and me? Yeah, we did. Not too long ago. How are you doing with it? Not as good as you apparently. I, um, I don’t follow. You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

 Not as good as you apparently. I, um, I don’t follow. You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

 I, um, I don’t follow. You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

 You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.

 I, um, I don’t follow. You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it. Well, now… Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

 You know what? It’s, it’s none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon’s doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it. Well, now… Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

 Well, now… Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.

 Well, now… Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do. I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened. That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.

 Excuse me. I’m uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do. I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened. That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.

 I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened. That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.

 I’m not recommending it. I’m saying it already happened. That’s preposterous. Tell her, Leonard. Well… No.

 Come on. It wasn’t my fault. The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts? You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work. Penny, I can still drive you.

 The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts? You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work. Penny, I can still drive you.

 You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work. Penny, I can still drive you.

 You know what? I’m just gonna take the bus to work. Penny, I can still drive you. Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant. I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.

 Penny, I can still drive you. Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant. I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.

 Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant. I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal.

 Oh, no, no, it’s okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant. I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal. I didn’t betray Penny. Not Penny, me!

 I must say, I’m shocked by this betrayal. I didn’t betray Penny. Not Penny, me!

 ‘Cause let me tell you, it’s not enough to make the Legos move, they also have to capture your heart. Okay, I’ll give you one more clue. It involved another person. Did you get a Japanese love pillow? How is a Japanese love pillow another person?

 Okay, I’ll give you one more clue. It involved another person. Did you get a Japanese love pillow? How is a Japanese love pillow another person?

 Did you get a Japanese love pillow? How is a Japanese love pillow another person?

 Did you get a Japanese love pillow? How is a Japanese love pillow another person? It is if you love her and give her a name. Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali

 How is a Japanese love pillow another person? It is if you love her and give her a name. Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali

 It is if you love her and give her a name. Dr. Plimpton, I’d like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali

 Hi. And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz. Hi. I’m a big fan of your work.

 And not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz. Hi. I’m a big fan of your work.

 It’s just two degrees, Sheldon. I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees! (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam. Yes, if we lived in a teakettle. (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

 (voice off): Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam. Yes, if we lived in a teakettle. (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

 Yes, if we lived in a teakettle. (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

 Yes, if we lived in a teakettle. (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement. Aw, screw the roommate agreement! (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

 (voice off): This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement. Aw, screw the roommate agreement! (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

 Aw, screw the roommate agreement! (voice off): No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

 Sure, it makes sense now. (Flashback. Past Leonard is getting out of the lift). Anyway, I went upstairs and knocked on the door. Yeah? Dr. Cooper? No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.

 Dr. Cooper? No, you want the crazy guy across the hall. In retrospect, that was clue number two. Yes?

 No, you want the crazy guy across the hall. In retrospect, that was clue number two. Yes?

 In retrospect, that was clue number two. Yes? I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said… I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

 Yes? I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said… I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

 I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said… I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?

 I’m Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment. You said… I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas? What? You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?

 I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas? What? You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?

 What? You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?

 What? You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas? Uh, radon? Are you asking me or telling me?

 You said you’re a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas? Uh, radon? Are you asking me or telling me?

 Uh, radon? Are you asking me or telling me? Telling you? Telling you. All right, next question. Kirk or Picard?

 Are you asking me or telling me? Telling you? Telling you. All right, next question. Kirk or Picard?

 Telling you? Telling you. All right, next question. Kirk or Picard?

 Telling you? Telling you. All right, next question. Kirk or Picard? Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk. Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.

 All right, next question. Kirk or Picard? Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk. Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.

 Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk. Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter.

 Oh, uh, well, that’s tricky. Um, well, uh, Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk. Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter. Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there? That depends.

 Correct. You’ve passed the first barrier to roommate-hood. You may enter. Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there? That depends.

 Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there? That depends.

 Oh, this is pretty nice. Uh, the bedrooms are back there? That depends. I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional? No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

 That depends. I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional? No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

 I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional? No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.

 I don’t understand, their, their existence is conditional? No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers. There’s three? Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat.

 No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers. There’s three? Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat.

 There’s three? Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat. Okay. No! That’s where I sit!

 Each more daunting than the last. Have a seat. Okay. No! That’s where I sit!

 Okay. No! That’s where I sit! What’s the difference? This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

 No! That’s where I sit! What’s the difference? This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

 What’s the difference? This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

 What’s the difference? This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs. Can you do that? Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

 This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of eternal dibs. Can you do that? Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

 Can you do that? Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics.

 Can you do that? Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics. Uh, yeah, experimental physics. Hmm.

 Cathedra mea, regulae meae. That’s Latin for my chair, my rules. Now, you said on the phone that your area of study is physics. Uh, yeah, experimental physics. Hmm.

 Uh, yeah, experimental physics. Hmm. What is that? Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?

 Hmm. What is that? Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?

 What is that? Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day?

 What is that? Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day? Yes. And you have a vehicle?

 Doesn’t concern you. You’ll be going to the university every day? Yes. And you have a vehicle?

 Yes. And you have a vehicle? A car, yeah. And you’ll be willing to drive me?

 And you have a vehicle? A car, yeah. And you’ll be willing to drive me?

 A car, yeah. And you’ll be willing to drive me? Well, can’t you drive? I can. I choose not to.

 And you’ll be willing to drive me? Well, can’t you drive? I can. I choose not to.

 Well, can’t you drive? I can. I choose not to. Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right? Why don’t you let me do this.

 I can. I choose not to. Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right? Why don’t you let me do this.

 Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right? Why don’t you let me do this.

 Okay, I suppose I could drive you. Well that’s a point in my favour, right? Why don’t you let me do this. Come on, I just asked. Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

 Why don’t you let me do this. Come on, I just asked. Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

 Come on, I just asked. Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?

 Come on, I just asked. Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind? Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge. That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

 Last question. In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, re-establishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind? Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge. That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

 Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge. That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment.

 Uh, I’m gonna go with preserving the knowledge. That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment. Oh, good. I passed the barriers. The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

 That’s correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating. Come, I’ll show you the rest of the apartment. Oh, good. I passed the barriers. The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

 Oh, good. I passed the barriers. The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular?

 Oh, good. I passed the barriers. The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular? Uh, I guess. This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

 The second barrier. Don’t get cocky. This is the bathroom. Are you fairly regular? Uh, I guess. This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

 Uh, I guess. This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels?

 Uh, I guess. This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels? When I have to. When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies.

 This isn’t going to work if you’re guessing. When do you evacuate your bowels? When I have to. When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies.

 When I have to. When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies.

 When I have to. When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies. I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight. I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.

 When you have to? I’m sorry, I don’t rent to hippies. I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight. I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.

 I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight. I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty.

 I, I’m sorry, uh, in the morning. Around eight. I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty. Fine. I’ll take it. Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

 I can’t give you eight. I can give you seven thirty. Fine. I’ll take it. Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

 Fine. I’ll take it. Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah!

 Fine. I’ll take it. Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah! Is this it? No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room.

 Third barrier passed. You have won the right to see your room. Huzzah! Is this it? No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room.

 Is this it? No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room. So where do you sleep? I don’t understand.

 No, this is my room. People don’t go in my room. So where do you sleep? I don’t understand.

 So where do you sleep? I don’t understand. If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke. Do you do this often?

 I don’t understand. If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke. Do you do this often?

 If people don’t go in there, and you’re people, and… You are people, aren’t you? Making a joke. Do you do this often?

 Do you do this often? On occasion. Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback) Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?

 On occasion. Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback) Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?

 Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback) Okay, and after all that, you just moved in?

 Your room. You may want to repaint. (End of Flashback) Okay, and after all that, you just moved in? No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment) Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

 Okay, and after all that, you just moved in? No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment) Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

 No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment) Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly.

 No, I didn’t just move in. First we had to iron out a few details. (Flashback: The apartment) Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly. Does that really need to be in the agreement? We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

 Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon’s brilliant new series Firefly. Does that really need to be in the agreement? We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

 Does that really need to be in the agreement? We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure.

 Does that really need to be in the agreement? We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure. We have a flag? Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.

 We might as well settle it now, it’s going to be on for years. Initial here. All right, that’s television and movies. Section nine, miscellany. The apartment’s flag is a gold lion rampant on a field of azure. We have a flag? Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.

 We have a flag? Never fly it upside down unless the apartment’s in distress. And next, if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds.

 Well that’s disappointing. (End of flashback.) Why on earth did you agree to all that? It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way. Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

 Why on earth did you agree to all that? It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way. Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

 It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way. Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

 Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you.

 It was the best apartment I’d seen, the rent was very reasonable and after you’ve passed the first three barriers you kind of want to take it all the way. Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you. Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.) (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Well, I’m sorry, Leonard, it’s very hard to feel sympathy for you. Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.) (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.) (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Okay, how about this? Let me tell you about the first time I brought a girl over. (Flashback to Leonard’s bedroom.) (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Shh. Just pretend we’re not here. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Shh. Just pretend we’re not here. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard?

 Shh. Just pretend we’re not here. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard?

 Shh. Just pretend we’re not here. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard? I’m sure he’ll go away. I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?Leonard? I’m sure he’ll go away. I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 I’m sure he’ll go away. I’m just going to keep knocking till you answer. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 What do you want? I didn’t say come in! You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.” I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago. That’s it! I’m out of here!

 You asked what I wanted. I wanted to come in. I’m here because you violated our roommate agreement. Specifically, section eight, visitors, subsection C, females, paragraph four, coitus. Roommates shall give each other 12 hours notice of impending coitus.” I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago. That’s it! I’m out of here!

 I didn’t even know her 12 hours ago. That’s it! I’m out of here!

 As it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important. Which I’m not saying I would have. So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison? That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator. Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

 So, what, that’s it? You’ve stayed with Sheldon all this time because he kept you from going to federal prison? That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator. Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

 That was part of it. The other part is what happened with the elevator. Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

 Oh, yeah, I’m wondering about that. You said it was working when you moved in.

 It was, but one night, Sheldon came home from work… (Flashback, the apartment. The settee has now appeared. Leonard, Howard and Raj are playing a video game.) What is going on here? Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too. Hey.

 What is going on here? Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too. Hey.

 Hey, Sheldon. This is Howard and Raj. They work at the university, too. Hey.

 I can’t speak for these guys, but I’m sitting on my tushie. It’s a joke. Yeah, not a good idea. Tushie is buttocks, right? Right.

 Tushie is buttocks, right? Right. Hilarious. Explain the couch.

 Hilarious. Explain the couch. Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up. But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?

 Explain the couch. Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up. But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?

 Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up. But what’s wrong with the furniture we have?

 Oh, well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for a hundred dollars. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up. But what’s wrong with the furniture we have? They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company. Did it occur to you that was by design?

 But what’s wrong with the furniture we have? They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company. Did it occur to you that was by design?

 They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company. Did it occur to you that was by design?

 They’re lawn chairs. And there was no place for company. Did it occur to you that was by design? According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.

 Did it occur to you that was by design? According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.

 According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach.

 According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach. I did notify you. Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.

 But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach. I did notify you. Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.

 I did notify you. Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.

 What am I doing in your spam folder? I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny. Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.) Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?

 I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled this is funny. Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.) Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?

 Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.) Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator?

 Oh, yeah, I saw that. That was hilarious. (End of flashback.) Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator? I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.) I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

 Okay, what does all this have to do with the elevator? I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.) I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

 I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.) I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs.

 I’m getting to it. (Back to flashback.) I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs. Okay, do you have an opinion about everything? Yes.

 I assure you, you’ll be sorry you wasted your money on an iPod when Microsoft comes out with theirs. Okay, do you have an opinion about everything? Yes.

 Okay, do you have an opinion about everything? Yes. And you just assume you’re always right? It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me.

 Yes. And you just assume you’re always right? It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me.

 And you just assume you’re always right? It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me.

 It’s not an assumption. Change seats with me. Why? I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head. Fine.

 Why? I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head. Fine.

 I don’t like this spot. I have to keep turning my head. Fine. Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5! We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.

 Fine. Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5! We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.

 Ooh, it’s time for Babylon 5! We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.

 Me, too. So do I. There you go– three against one. They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

 So do I. There you go– three against one. They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

 There you go– three against one. They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.

 There you go– three against one. They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me. But I said no to that. And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.

 They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me. But I said no to that. And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.

 But I said no to that. And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me.

 But I said no to that. And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me. Why? There’s a draft on my neck over here.

 And I said yes. And I settle all ties. Change seats with me. Why? There’s a draft on my neck over here.

 Why? There’s a draft on my neck over here. So, I get the draft? You’re protected by your turtleneck.

 There’s a draft on my neck over here. So, I get the draft? You’re protected by your turtleneck.

 You’re protected by your turtleneck. Fine. And it’s a dickey. Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here. We can fix that. Let’s leave.

 Fine. And it’s a dickey. Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here. We can fix that. Let’s leave.

 Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here. We can fix that. Let’s leave.

 Hmm, I’m still not comfortable. Of course. There’s too many people here. We can fix that. Let’s leave. Yeah, we can go over to my place. Wait. Let me get my jacket.

 We can fix that. Let’s leave. Yeah, we can go over to my place. Wait. Let me get my jacket.

 Yeah, we can go over to my place. Wait. Let me get my jacket. You’re not going with us. Why not?

 Are we ever going to get to the elevator? Yeah, we’re really close. Uh, uh, we’re at the apartment. (Flashback.) The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust. Nice.

 Yeah, we’re really close. Uh, uh, we’re at the apartment. (Flashback.) The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust. Nice.

 The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust. Nice.

 The trick is to mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8,000 kilonewtons of thrust. Nice. Cool. Won’t work.

 Cool. Won’t work. Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work. You don’t see your mistake, do you?

 Won’t work. Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work. You don’t see your mistake, do you?

 Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work. You don’t see your mistake, do you?

 Excuse me, but I’ve been working on this a long time. Trust me, it’ll work. You don’t see your mistake, do you? There’s no mistake. This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.

 You don’t see your mistake, do you? There’s no mistake. This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.

 There’s no mistake. This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.

 What’s happening? A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! You’re waiting for the elevator? Oh. Right.

 A bad thing. A very bad thing. Get the door. Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! You’re waiting for the elevator? Oh. Right.

 You’re waiting for the elevator? Oh. Right. Wait. It’s here. Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)

 Oh. Right. Wait. It’s here. Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)

 Wait. It’s here. Give me that. (Takes the rocket fuel. Puts it in elevator. Presses button and jumps out.)

 Excuse me, I was in high school. Studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community. (Flashback. Penny is in her bedroom, sitting on the bed with a guy, looking at a pregnancy tester.) Not pregnant. Yes!

 Hey. Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate? Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology. There’s doubt?

 Hello. Why do I smell methacrylate? Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology. There’s doubt?

 Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology. There’s doubt?

 Oh, uh, clear nail polish. I had a mani-pedi. Men can get those. Anyway, I may owe you an apology. There’s doubt? I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it. That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.

 There’s doubt? I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it. That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.

 I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it. That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right.

 I did agree to the thermostat setting, and I shouldn’t have tried to change it. That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right. Okay, I’m sorry. There you go.

 That’s not an apology, simply an acknowledgement that I was right. Okay, I’m sorry. There you go.

 I would hardly call that dialogue! You’re insane, you know that?! Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it!

 You’re insane, you know that?! Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it!

 Don’t make me turn that flag upside down, ’cause you know I’ll do it!

 Okay, we’ve got power to the laser. I should’ve brought an umbrella. What for? It’s not going to rain. I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

 I should’ve brought an umbrella. What for? It’s not going to rain. I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

 What for? It’s not going to rain. I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moon burn is a real possibility.

 That’s a bazinga, right? One of my best, don’t you think? Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility. You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.

 One of my best, don’t you think? Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility. You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.

 Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility. You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.

 You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows.

 Howard, do you want to double-check the equatorial mount on the laser? We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility. You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows. It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy. Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?

 You got it. Oh, Raj, no. Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women, so we don’t have to peep through windows. It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy. Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?

 It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy. Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that?

 It’s not like that, I’m watching someone’s TV. The Good Wife is on. I tell you, this is my new Grey’s Anatomy. Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that? Relax, it’s just a dirty sock. How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?

 Leonard, Leonard. What is that? What is that? Relax, it’s just a dirty sock. How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?

 Relax, it’s just a dirty sock. How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence?

 Relax, it’s just a dirty sock. How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence? Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks. Not my world.

 How on earth can you say dirty sock and relax in the same sentence? Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks. Not my world.

 Sheldon, the world is filled with dirty discarded socks. Not my world.

 I wasn’t aware that lunar ranging was her thing. Although, I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object. Why don’t you ask her to come up? I don’t know, it’s still a little weird since, you know… She dumped you?

 Why don’t you ask her to come up? I don’t know, it’s still a little weird since, you know… She dumped you?

 I don’t know, it’s still a little weird since, you know… She dumped you?

 Well,, my dad, but me and my sister are VPs. So, menus. I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.

 So, menus. I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.

 I know it sounds easy but there’s a lot of science that goes in designing them.

 Thank you. Raj, keep an eye out for the other one. Hey, guys, this is my friend Zack. Hey. Hello.

 Let me explain what we’re doing here. Um, in 1969, the astronauts on Apollo 11 positioned reflectors on the surface of the moon, and we’re going to shoot a laser off one of them and let the light bounce back into this photomultiplier. Oh! That’s very cool. One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up? The laser?

 Oh! That’s very cool. One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up? The laser?

 One question. How can you be sure it won’t blow up? The laser? The moon. See, now this is a man for Penny.

 The moon. See, now this is a man for Penny. Uh, that’s a great question, Zack. No, it’s not.

 See, now this is a man for Penny. Uh, that’s a great question, Zack. No, it’s not.

 Now, we’ll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won’t be strong enough when it comes back to be seen by the naked eye. Naked. Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses. Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?

 Naked. Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses. Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?

 Right. Uh yeah, funny. Uh, that device there will measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer. Raj, get them some glasses. Cool, it’s gonna be in 3-D?

 There it is. There’s the spike! 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon! We hit the moon! That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen? Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

 2.5 seconds for the light to return. That’s the moon! We hit the moon! That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen? Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

 That’s your big experiment? All that for a line on the screen? Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

 Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.

 What species is that? I was wrong. Penny can do better. Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun. Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?

 I was wrong. Penny can do better. Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun. Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?

 Okay, guys, thank you, it’s been fun. Yeah, thanks. Should we invite them to the party?

 No, it’s not… Never mind. He is right, though. If you want, I can turn you on to this great new dating site I found. No, thanks. You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody. Have they found a match for you?

 No, thanks. You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody. Have they found a match for you?

 You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody. Have they found a match for you?

 You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody. Have they found a match for you? Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left. I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.

 Have they found a match for you? Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left. I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.

 Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left. I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down.

 Tons. I’ve had, like, eight dates in the last month. And twelve if you count the ones who showed up and left. I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down. Why not? All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.

 I can’t bring the nitrogen tank down. Why not? All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.

 Why not? All right, let me restate that. It’s very heavy, and I don’t want to.

 How is that my fault? You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now, come with me. Where are we going? We’re gonna have sex.

 You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. Now, come with me. Where are we going? We’re gonna have sex.

 Where are we going? We’re gonna have sex. Why? I mean, okay. What’s going on?

 Put on your noise-cancelling headphones, ’cause it’s gonna get loud. Oh! Not this again.

 What, do you have eyes in the back of your head? When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin? Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry. FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.

 When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one. I’m making English muffins. Would you like an English muffin? Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry. FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.

 Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry. FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.

 Oh, thanks, I’m not hungry. FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night. Yeah, sorry about that. As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.

 FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night. Yeah, sorry about that. As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.

 Yeah, sorry about that. As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context.

 Yeah, sorry about that. As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context. Oh, God. Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.

 As a native Texan, I must say I’ve never heard the phrase yee-haw used in quite that context. Oh, God. Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.

 Oh, God. Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard.

 Oh, God. Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard. How many times have I asked you not to do that? Counting this instance? 317.

 Oh, God. That I’ve heard on multiple occasions. In what universe is that lightly toasted? This has to be the worst day of my life. Good morning, Leonard. How many times have I asked you not to do that? Counting this instance? 317.

 How many times have I asked you not to do that? Counting this instance? 317.

 How many times have I asked you not to do that? Counting this instance? 317. Where’s Penny? She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.

 Counting this instance? 317. Where’s Penny? She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.

 Where’s Penny? She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order.

 Where’s Penny? She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order. I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye. Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?

 She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit. Not necessarily in that order. I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye. Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?

 I wonder why she didn’t say good-bye. Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behaviour?

 Uh-oh. She wants to meet us. Not us. Him. Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her. Well, him about to find out about her.

 Not us. Him. Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her. Well, him about to find out about her.

 Yes, but him doesn’t even know about her. Well, him about to find out about her.

 Well, him about to find out about her. Really? Us gonna tell him? Who’s going to tell whom about what? Sheldon. Hey.

 Really? Us gonna tell him? Who’s going to tell whom about what? Sheldon. Hey.

 Who’s going to tell whom about what? Sheldon. Hey. Hi. Your surprise confuses me. I live here.

 Hi. Your surprise confuses me. I live here. Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? Be more specific.

 Your surprise confuses me. I live here. Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? Be more specific.

 Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? Be more specific.

 Right. So, listen, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? Be more specific. Four thirty. That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.

 Be more specific. Four thirty. That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning.

 Four thirty. That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning. What? It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

 That’s not afternoon. That’s preevning. What? It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

 What? It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need.

 What? It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need. Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning? Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.

 It’s a time of day I invented. It better defines the ambiguous period between afternoon and evening. Preevning. I’m fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need. Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning? Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.

 Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning? Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking.

 Right, okay. What are you doing tomorrow preevning? Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking. Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate? I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

 Well, tomorrow’s Saturday. Saturday night is laundry night, so I’ll be spending the preevning pre-sorting and pre-soaking. Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate? I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

 Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow, at 4:30 you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate? I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

 But it’s true. But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site, answered all their questions just like you would, and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler. Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum. And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating” Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.

 Please. Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum. And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating” Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.

 And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating” Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.

 Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum.

 And that’s exactly the answer we gave to the question, what is your attitude towards online dating” Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum. Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity? Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

 Howard wanted to write mumbo jumbo, but I said no, our Sheldon would say hokum. Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity? Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

 Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity? Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you.

 Well, come on, where’s your scientific curiosity? Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you. Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years. He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

 Well, most of it is being applied to unravelling the secrets of the universe while the rest of it’s wondering why I’m having this conversation with you. Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years. He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

 Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years. He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust.

 Okay, how about this. Even Spock had a date once every seven years. He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust. Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later. I don’t drink coffee.

 He didn’t date. It was pon farr. His blood boiled with mating lust. Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later. I don’t drink coffee.

 Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later. I don’t drink coffee.

 Okay, well, why don’t you start with a cup of coffee, and you can pon farr Amy Farrah Fowler later. I don’t drink coffee. All right, you can have a hot chocolate. As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.

 I don’t drink coffee. All right, you can have a hot chocolate. As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.

 All right, you can have a hot chocolate. As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.

 As I will not be engaging in this nonsense, my choice of beverage is moot. But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them. Why? What’s life without whimsy? Okay, I’m out.

 What’s life without whimsy? Okay, I’m out. Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever. You’re bluffing.

 Okay, I’m out. Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever. You’re bluffing.

 Sheldon, I’ve hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there forever. You’re bluffing.

 Are you out of your mind?! I’m really starting to think there’s a double standard here.

 You don’t know we’re wrong yet. Haughty derision it is. Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

 Haughty derision it is. Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

 Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

 Excuse me. I’m Amy Farrah Fowler. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock. If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

 Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I’m sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I’m being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock. If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

 If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

 If that was slang, I’m unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I’m here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church. I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

 Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church. I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

 I don’t object to the concept of a deity, but I’m baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

 Smooth. And finally, my moo shu pork. Whoo-hoo! Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.

 And finally, my moo shu pork. Whoo-hoo! Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.

 Whoo-hoo! Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.

 Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.

 Whoo-hoo! Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot. And it only took 28 minutes. Impressive, but we must be cautious.

 Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot. And it only took 28 minutes. Impressive, but we must be cautious.

 And it only took 28 minutes. Impressive, but we must be cautious.

 And it only took 28 minutes. Impressive, but we must be cautious. Why? Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

 Impressive, but we must be cautious. Why? Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

 Why? Today, it’s a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.

 Coming up. (Starts typing rapidly) So how’s work? Oh, it’s not bad. Kind of hungry. Yeah, we all are.

 So how’s work? Oh, it’s not bad. Kind of hungry. Yeah, we all are.

 Oh, it’s not bad. Kind of hungry. Yeah, we all are. Just wait. You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.

 Yeah, we all are. Just wait. You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.

 Just wait. You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.

 You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete. Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger? I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here? Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.

 Really? They’re going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger? I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here? Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.

 I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here? Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand.

 I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here? Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand. Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing. I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.

 Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand. Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing. I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.

 Oh ha-ha, oh. That’s amazing. I wouldn’t say amazing. At best, it’s a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.

 Borrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it. Excuse me. Oh. Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” Get it? She doesn’t like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L. Who’s Amy? His girlfriend.

 Excuse me. Oh. Amy’s at the dry cleaners, and she’s made a very amusing pun. “I don’t care for perchloroethylene, and I don’t like glycol ether.” Get it? She doesn’t like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L. Who’s Amy? His girlfriend.

 His girlfriend. Sheldon has a girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend. How long has this been going on?

 Sheldon has a girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend. How long has this been going on?

 She’s not my girlfriend. How long has this been going on? Four months. She’s not my girlfriend.

 How long has this been going on? Four months. She’s not my girlfriend.

 Ah, du-du-du-du-du. How did they meet? Raj and I entered Sheldon’s information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler. Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy. Or, as we call them, Shamy.

 Raj and I entered Sheldon’s information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler. Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy. Or, as we call them, Shamy.

 Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy. Or, as we call them, Shamy. Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy. All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.

 Or, as we call them, Shamy. Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy. All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.

 Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy. All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.

 All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend. Okay, well, what do you communicate about? Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together. Thank you.

 Okay, well, what do you communicate about? Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together. Thank you.

 Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together. Thank you.

 Thank you. Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby? Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

 Wait a minute– a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you’re considering having a baby? Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

 Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

 I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

 Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon. Okay, I have a question. Yes, Penny.

 I’m guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon. Okay, I have a question. Yes, Penny.

 Okay, I have a question. Yes, Penny. You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex? Why on Earth would we have sex?

 Yes, Penny. You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex? Why on Earth would we have sex?

 You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex? Why on Earth would we have sex?

 You don’t even like people touching you. How are you going to have sex? Why on Earth would we have sex? Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing? I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

 Why on Earth would we have sex? Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing? I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

 Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing? I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

 I’m quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity. Oh, God. Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental? Still digging the Shamy?

 Oh, God. Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental? Still digging the Shamy?

 Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental? Still digging the Shamy?

 Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental? Still digging the Shamy? Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her. You mean dating?

 Still digging the Shamy? Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her. You mean dating?

 Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her. You mean dating?

 Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don’t know, maybe actually spending some time with her. You mean dating? Yeah. I can’t date Amy.

 Why not? She’s not my girlfriend. Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child. Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?

 She’s not my girlfriend. Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child. Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?

 Okay, look, don’t think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child. Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don’t think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging?

 Probably not. Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me.

 You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times. I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door. Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time. If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.

 I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door. Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time. If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.

 Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time. If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now.

 Yeah, my point is it’s a waste of time. If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now. What do you want? I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

 If you’re looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we’re having right now. What do you want? I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

 What do you want? I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

 What do you want? I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler. Oh, that’s great. Have fun. Wait. You have to drive me.

 I’ve decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler. Oh, that’s great. Have fun. Wait. You have to drive me.

 Oh, that’s great. Have fun. Wait. You have to drive me. What? You know I don’t drive.

 What? You know I don’t drive. Well, go ask Leonard. I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.

 You know I don’t drive. Well, go ask Leonard. I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.

 Well, go ask Leonard. I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea.

 Well, go ask Leonard. I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea. Leonard said cockamamie? Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.

 I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea. Leonard said cockamamie? Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.

 Leonard said cockamamie? Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie.

 Leonard said cockamamie? Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie. Okay, fine. When’s the date? Now.

 Actually, I’m paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I’m uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I’m not entirely comfortable with cockamamie. Okay, fine. When’s the date? Now.

 Okay, fine. When’s the date? Now. Now? Hurry. We’re going to be late.

 Now? Hurry. We’re going to be late. Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans? I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?

 Hurry. We’re going to be late. Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans? I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?

 Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans? I’m sorry. Do you have other plans?

 Howard, dinner’s ready! I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.

 I’ll eat later. I’m busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm.

 You’re welcome. I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops. Sheldon. Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.

 I wish you weren’t wearing flip-flops. It’s dangerous to drive in flip-flops. Sheldon. Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.

 Sheldon. Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality.

 Sheldon. Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality. Can I ask you a question? Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

 Sorry. I just don’t want to be yet another flip-flop fatality. Can I ask you a question? Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

 Can I ask you a question? Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

 Can I ask you a question? Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible. Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date? That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?

 Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible. Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date? That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?

 Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date? That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date?

 Yeah. Well, my question is, and I’m pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date? That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date? No. Then, this is my first date.

 That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date? No. Then, this is my first date.

 No. Then, this is my first date. Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know. I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.

 Then, this is my first date. Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know. I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.

 Okay. Well, then, there’s a couple of things you should probably know. I have a master’s degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know.

 Ah. Well, your hair looks very nice. Are you a homosexual? No, no, I was just giving you a compliment. Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.

 Are you a homosexual? No, no, I was just giving you a compliment. Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.

 No, no, I was just giving you a compliment. Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.

 Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual. Guys, how ’bout some music? Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy? No, thank you.

 Guys, how ’bout some music? Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy? No, thank you.

 Oh, no, I wouldn’t care for that. Amy? No, thank you. Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas? No.

 No, thank you. Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas? No.

 Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas? No.

 Well, why don’t you tell her? All right. It was hell. Any follow up, Amy? No.

 Any follow up, Amy? No. I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs. I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?

 No. I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs. I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?

 I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs. I’m sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?

 Yes, but that’s not the point! Get me out of here. You have any ideas, Raj? Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

 You have any ideas, Raj? Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

 Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

 Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It’s over 14 hours in Southern California. That’s an amusing factoid. Thank you. No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.

 That’s an amusing factoid. Thank you. No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.

 Thank you. No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.

 No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon’s first official date. Discuss.

 Is this true? Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count. So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much? Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

 Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn’t count. So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much? Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

 So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much? Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

 Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

 So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much? Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates? Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh) Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.

 Once a year. It’s a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates? Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh) Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.

 Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh) Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few.

 Uh, yeah, I wouldn’t say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh’s strangely). What’s (imitates Sheldon’s laugh) Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few. What? Where did you get 171 men? Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…

 Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few. What? Where did you get 171 men? Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…

 What? Where did you get 171 men? Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15…

 What? Where did you get 171 men? Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15… Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15. I’m sorry. 16?

 Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I’ve known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15… Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15. I’m sorry. 16?

 Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15. I’m sorry. 16?

 I’m sorry. 16? 14. My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

 14. My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

 My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

 Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

 My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men? No. Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.

 Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men? No. Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate.

 No. Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Oh. Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…

 Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Oh. Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…

 Oh. Based on the number of awkward encounters I’ve had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she’s returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before…

 Okay, Sheldon, I think you’ve made your point. So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31. Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here. This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

 So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let’s round that up to 31. Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here. This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

 Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here. This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

 This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

 Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I’m gonna need a drink over here. This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut? No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay? This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

 This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut? No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay? This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

 No! No! No. Let’s just all finish our dinners, okay? This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

 No, you see, it’s more complicated than that. (Nurse switches off computer) No, wait! (The hand lets go) Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree. Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch?

 I did not have sex with 31 guys. I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship. And that is? Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.

 I’ll be happy to check the math, but numbers don’t lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship. And that is? Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.

 And that is? Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny.

 And that is? Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny. You’re still on that? In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?

 Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny. You’re still on that? In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?

 You’re still on that? In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift?

 You’re still on that? In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you. That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.

 In these uncertain times, doesn’t humanity deserve a gift? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you. That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.

 Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you. That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild.

 Okay, you know what? I’m gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I’m gonna tell your mother on you. That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild. Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock? Curses.

 That’s no threat. My mother’s always wanted a grandchild. Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock? Curses.

 Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock? Curses.

 Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock? Curses. If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night. Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.

 Curses. If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night. Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.

 If I’d thought of that in the first place, I could’ve saved myself this whole night. Well, it’s not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night.

 Hey, Howard, what’s up? I’ve decided not to procreate. Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?

 I’ve decided not to procreate. Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?

 Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?

 Whatcha doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner? The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote? Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

 The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote? Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

 Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?

 Yes. And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Yes. What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

 And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury? Yes. What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

 Yes. What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.

 Yes. What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die. A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

 What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die. A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

 A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.

 A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this? My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera. Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB? Killed by badger.

 My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera. Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB? Killed by badger.

 Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB? Killed by badger.

 Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB? Killed by badger. How’s that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

 Killed by badger. How’s that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

 How’s that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.

 How’s that? It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us. I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary. Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

 It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us. I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary. Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

 I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary. Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA?

 I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary. Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA? You can always get a badger and find out. But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

 Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA? You can always get a badger and find out. But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

 You can always get a badger and find out. But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.

 You can always get a badger and find out. But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left. That long, huh? 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.

 But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left. That long, huh? 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.

 That long, huh? 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.

 That long, huh? 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here. What’s there? The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here. What’s there? The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

 What’s there? The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.

 What’s there? The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality. So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? By this much.

 The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality. So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? By this much.

 So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? By this much.

 So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? By this much. Tough break. You want eggs? You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

 By this much. Tough break. You want eggs? You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

 Tough break. You want eggs? You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus.

 Tough break. You want eggs? You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus. What’s a dogapus? A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.

 You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,  cold fusion, the dogapus. What’s a dogapus? A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.

 What’s a dogapus? A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.

 What’s a dogapus? A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend. Is somebody working on that? I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

 A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend. Is somebody working on that? I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

 Is somebody working on that? I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.

 How can you walk around with no money? I’m cute. I get by. It’s okay, you can owe me. Okay.

 It’s okay, you can owe me. Okay. Sheldon, six bucks. No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.

 Okay. Sheldon, six bucks. No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.

 Sheldon, six bucks. No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.

 Sheldon, six bucks. No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight. But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night. Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

 No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight. But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night. Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

 But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night. Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts.

 Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar? It’s a small price to pay. For what? No, no, don’t ask.

 For what? No, no, don’t ask. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

 No, no, don’t ask. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.

 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet. Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right? Correct.

 In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet. Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right? Correct.

 Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right? Correct. So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Essentially, yes.

 Correct. So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Essentially, yes.

 So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Essentially, yes.

 So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot? Essentially, yes. Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that? Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

 Essentially, yes. Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that? Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

 Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that? Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.

 Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that? Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging. Wait. Honey,have you ever run before? Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

 Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging. Wait. Honey,have you ever run before? Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

 Wait. Honey,have you ever run before? Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

 Oh, my God, that is so creepy! I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.

 I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.

 What the hell? What’s the matter? I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera. There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

 I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera. There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

 There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms.

 There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms. When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

 Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion of chrysanthemum blossoms. When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

 When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!

 When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms? It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly! Have you had your appendix out? I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?

 It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly! Have you had your appendix out? I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?

 Have you had your appendix out? I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?

 Have you had your appendix out? I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time? Let’s get you to the hospital. So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

 I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time? Let’s get you to the hospital. So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

 Let’s get you to the hospital. So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?

 Let’s get you to the hospital. So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard? No. I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.

 So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard? No. I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.

 No. I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on. Funny how things work out, isn’t it? Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

 I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on. Funny how things work out, isn’t it? Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

 Funny how things work out, isn’t it? Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.

 Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees. Thank you. They’re my mother’s. Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast? No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

 Thank you. They’re my mother’s. Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast? No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

 Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast? No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?

 Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast? No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor? I don’t have one. What about your pedometer?

 No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor? I don’t have one. What about your pedometer?

 I don’t have one. What about your pedometer? Don’t have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?

 What about your pedometer? Don’t have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?

 Don’t have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?

 Don’t have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? Uh, no. What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

 Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? Uh, no. What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

 Uh, no. What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?

 Uh, no. What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny? No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that?

 What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny? No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that?

 No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that?

 No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that? It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run. All right.

 Why are you doing that? It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run. All right.

 It’s good to stretch your muscles before you run. All right. All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. I am doing it.

 All right. All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. I am doing it.

 All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. I am doing it.

 All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it. I am doing it. Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We’ll never know.

 I am doing it. Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We’ll never know.

 Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We’ll never know.

 Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We’ll never know. Okay, let’s just warm up on the run. Okay.

 Okay, let’s just warm up on the run. Okay. Okay, let’s go. Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

 Okay. Okay, let’s go. Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

 Okay, let’s go. Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!

 Okay, let’s go. Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh! Oh, my God, are you okay? I think so.

 Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh! Oh, my God, are you okay? I think so.

 Oh, my God, are you okay? I think so. Oh, let me help you up. Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)

 I think so. Oh, let me help you up. Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)

 Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars. What now? He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff. It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

 What now? He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff. It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

 He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff. It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

 It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!

 I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom. No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only! So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.

 No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only! So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.

 So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.

 Sheldon, this is ridiculous. I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me. I am looking at you. No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.

 I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me. I am looking at you. No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.

 I am looking at you. No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.

 I am looking at you. No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed. You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

 No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed. You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

 You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?

 You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die? At the hands of your roommate? An accident.

 At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die? At the hands of your roommate? An accident.

 At the hands of your roommate? An accident. That’s how I’m going to make it look. Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

 An accident. That’s how I’m going to make it look. Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

 That’s how I’m going to make it look. Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.

 That’s how I’m going to make it look. Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed. Fine, but don’t expect my help. You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.

 Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed. Fine, but don’t expect my help. You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.

 Fine, but don’t expect my help. You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.

 No. You have to start over. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

 In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War? Uganda. Defend. Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

 Uganda. Defend. Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

 Defend. Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

 Defend. Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs. Correct. My turn. In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?

 Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A Central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs. Correct. My turn. In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?

 Correct. My turn. In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag?

 Correct. My turn. In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag? Tuned bayonets. Defend.

 In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play The Maple Leaf Rag? Tuned bayonets. Defend.

 Tuned bayonets. Defend. Isn’t it obvious? You’re right. My apologies.

 Isn’t it obvious? You’re right. My apologies. What the hell are you guys playing? It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.

 You’re right. My apologies. What the hell are you guys playing? It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.

 What the hell are you guys playing? It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals.

 What the hell are you guys playing? It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals. We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.

 It’s a game we invented. It’s called Counterfactuals. We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.

 We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us.

 We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other. It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us. All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl. You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?

 It’s fun for ages eight to eighty. Join us. All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl. You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?

 All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl. You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?

 All right. I like a good brainteaser. Give it a whirl. You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed? Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know. Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.

 You’re in luck, this is an easy one. In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed? Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know. Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.

 Uh, a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don’t know. Leonard, be serious. We’re playing a game here.

 Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish. What? In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that? This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.

 What? In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that? This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.

 In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded. Thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that? This is ridiculous. You’re just making stuff up.

 That’s a little vulgar for the dinner table, don’t you think? Oh, and potty is okay? Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable. What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?

 Oh, and potty is okay? Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable. What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?

 Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable. What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?

 If I don’t have to boom-boom. Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler. Sure. Nice to see you.

 Greetings. You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler. Sure. Nice to see you.

 Hello. Sorry we’re late. I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies. Ah, ah.

 Sorry we’re late. I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies. Ah, ah.

 I must take responsibility. I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies. Ah, ah.

 Actually, I’m not. In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time. Ah, ah. Okay. Toilet’s sounding pretty good now, huh? Hey, look, it’s Shamy.

 Ah, ah. Okay. Toilet’s sounding pretty good now, huh? Hey, look, it’s Shamy.

 Okay. Toilet’s sounding pretty good now, huh? Hey, look, it’s Shamy.

 Oh. I don’t like that. Don’t do that. All righty. What’s new? Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that. I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?

 All righty. What’s new? Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that. I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?

 Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that. I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?

 I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life?

 Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don’t like that. I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life? Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order? I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.

 I got it. But what I was going for was, you know, how’s your life? Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order? I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.

 Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death. Thank you for asking. Why is she not taking our order? I should’ve warned you, one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.

 Okay, that’s all I got. Howard, you’re up. Um, tell us about your work, Amy. I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree. Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?

 Um, tell us about your work, Amy. I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree. Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?

 I doubt you’d understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master’s degree. Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?

 Raj, do you have any questions for Amy? I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone. They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.

 I’m curious as to why we’re not eating alone. They can’t function without me. I’m the social glue that holds this little group together. You’re welcome.

 Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva. Got it. Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.

 She’s not my girlfriend. She’s a girl and she’s my friend, but there’s no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva. Got it. Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.

 Got it. Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day.

 Got it. Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day. Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance. Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.

 Although, for the record, on one occasion, she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly from the corner of my mouth. It’s an action we both regret to this day. Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance. Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.

 Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance. Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man.

 Uh-huh. Anyway, I’m not sure she’s the best fit for our little, how should we call it, rebel alliance. Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man. Yeah, not my point. I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.

 Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance. Despite their tendency to build Death Stars, I’ve always been more of an empire man. Yeah, not my point. I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.

 Yeah, not my point. I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up.

 Yeah, not my point. I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up. Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious. So?

 I know what your point is. You’re intimidated by Amy’s intellect. To that I say, buck up. Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious. So?

 Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious. So?

 Okay, let me just get right to it. Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly just obnoxious. So? So we already have you for all that. Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?

 So? So we already have you for all that. Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?

 So we already have you for all that. Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?

 So we already have you for all that. Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy? No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else. May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.

 Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy? No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else. May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.

 No, no, of course not. Just have your relationship someplace else. May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off-key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.

 More like Yoko and Yoko. Greetings. Hey. I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.

 Greetings. Hey. I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.

 Hey. I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing.

 I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I’m doing. It’s very impressive, for theoretical work. Do I detect a hint of condescension? I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.

 It’s very impressive, for theoretical work. Do I detect a hint of condescension? I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.

 Do I detect a hint of condescension? I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.

 I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute.

 Do I detect a hint of condescension? I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute. Oooh! Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

 I’m sorry, was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Hmm, cute. Oooh! Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

 Oooh! Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

 Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac? I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell. You take that back. Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

 I’m stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clarke-Maxwell. You take that back. Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

 You take that back. Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

 Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.

 You take that back. Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours. I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so… Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

 Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it’s better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours. I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so… Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

 I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so… Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

 I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still trying to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so… Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology. Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm. That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

 Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology. Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm. That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

 Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm. That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

 Yes, but if I’m successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory, and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm. That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s! We appear to have reached an impasse. I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.

 That’s the rankest psychologism, and was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s! We appear to have reached an impasse. I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.

 We appear to have reached an impasse. I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately.

 We appear to have reached an impasse. I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately. Seconded. There being no objections…

 I agree. I move our relationship terminate immediately. Seconded. There being no objections…

 There being no objections… No, uh-uh. The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler. Good day, Sheldon Cooper.

 No, uh-uh. The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler. Good day, Sheldon Cooper.

 The motion carries. Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler. Good day, Sheldon Cooper.

 Good day, Sheldon Cooper. Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses. Amen to that.

 Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypotheses. Amen to that.

 Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I hear you broke up with Amy. A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.

 Hello. I hear you broke up with Amy. A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.

 I hear you broke up with Amy. A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.

 I hear you broke up with Amy. A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend. Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing? Regarding what?

 A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend. Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing? Regarding what?

 Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing? Regarding what?

 Wow. That’s like the worst country song ever. So, how are you doing? Regarding what? Amy. I don’t follow.

 Amy. I don’t follow. Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough. Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.

 I don’t follow. Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough. Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.

 Well, breakups, or whatever the hell this is, can be tough. Penny, I assure you, I’m fine. My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual. There were no emotional bonds, the severing of which would cause me any discomfort. The relationship simply outlived its utility, and I’m continuing on with my life as before.

 You’re kidding. He takes it everywhere, to bed, to the bathroom. He takes the kitty to the potty? I thought we discussed the P-word.

 He takes it everywhere, to bed, to the bathroom. He takes the kitty to the potty? I thought we discussed the P-word.

 He takes the kitty to the potty? I thought we discussed the P-word.

 He takes the kitty to the potty? I thought we discussed the P-word. Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am. Oh, gentlemen.

 I thought we discussed the P-word. Don’t try to change me, dude. I am what I am. Oh, gentlemen.

 Oh, gentlemen. Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend? My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer. Hello.

 Hey. Aren’t you going to introduce us to your little friend? My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer. Hello.

 My apologies. Raj, Howard, I’d like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer. Hello.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk. Okay, I get it. We’re worried about Sheldon. Yeah.

 Hey. (Turns to see Sheldon now has five cats) Oh, no. Robert Oppenheimer was lonely. So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project? Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.

 Robert Oppenheimer was lonely. So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project? Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.

 So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project? Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles.

 So you decided to get the whole Manhattan Project? Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles. Zazzles? I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.

 Yes. This is Enrico Fermi, Richard Feynman, Edward Teller, Otto Frisch, and Zazzles. Zazzles? I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.

 Zazzles? I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy.

 Zazzles? I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy. Okay, we need to talk. About what?

 I was going to name him Herman von Helmholtz, but he’s so zazzy. Okay, we need to talk. About what?

 Okay, we need to talk. About what? Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats. Clowder.

 About what? Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats. Clowder.

 Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats. Clowder.

 Cats, Sheldon. You’re clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you’re trying to replace her with a bunch of cats. Clowder. What? A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.

 What? A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring. Okay, yeah, fine. It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.

 A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring. Okay, yeah, fine. It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.

 Okay, yeah, fine. It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.

 Okay, yeah, fine. It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one. Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup. It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

 It’s the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one. Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup. It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

 Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup. It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

 Terrific. My-my point is you need to face up to what you’re feeling with this breakup. It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend. Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell. You didn’t break up, she dumped you.

 It wasn’t a breakup. A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend. Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell. You didn’t break up, she dumped you.

 Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell. You didn’t break up, she dumped you.

 Okay, I got it, I got it, she’s not your girlfriend. Now listen to me. I know about loneliness. I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff. When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello, I built a bunch of model rockets, I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell. You didn’t break up, she dumped you. She didn’t dump me. It was mutual! I was there. She dumped you.

 You didn’t break up, she dumped you. She didn’t dump me. It was mutual! I was there. She dumped you.

 She didn’t dump me. It was mutual! I was there. She dumped you.

 No, she’s real. Did they sin? No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for. Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.

 Did they sin? No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for. Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.

 No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for. Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.

 Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me.

 No, no, it’s not like that. It’s, uh, I don’t know what it’s like. But there is something I should prepare you for. Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me. Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door) Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.)

 Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy. I’ve seen him at his best, I’ve seen him at his worst. There’s nothing he can do that’ll surprise me. Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door) Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.)

 Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door) Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.)

 Hold on to that thought. (Knocks on Sheldon’s bedroom door) Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.) Surprise. Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.

 Come in. (They enter. The room is full of cats.) Surprise. Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.

 Surprise. Mom, what an unexpected pleasure. My, my, that’s a powerful smell. I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…

 Mom, what an unexpected pleasure. My, my, that’s a powerful smell. I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…

 My, my, that’s a powerful smell. I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf…

 My, my, that’s a powerful smell. I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf… Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names. What are you doing here?

 I’d like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf… Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names. What are you doing here?

 Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names. What are you doing here?

 Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave ’em cute Jewish names. What are you doing here? Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady. Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.

 What are you doing here? Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady. Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.

 Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady. Oh, that’s preposterous. I’m not pining over anyone.

 Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it’s creepy. I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy. You should have called sooner.

 I do not agree. Cats make wonderful companions. They don’t argue or question my intellectual authority, and this little guy here, I think you’ll find to be quite zazzy. You should have called sooner.

 Coming! No cats! Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here? I called her.

 No cats! Aw.(Enters to find Amy) What is she doing here? I called her.

 I called her. Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious. Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties. 25 cats!

 Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious. Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties. 25 cats!

 Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties. 25 cats!

 Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties. 25 cats! Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk. All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.

 25 cats! Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk. All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.

 Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk. All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen.

 Oh, God bless you, dear. Sheldon, sit down. Let’s talk. All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen. Then stop talking. Yes, ma’am.

 All right, but you’re not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk, it means you want me to listen. Then stop talking. Yes, ma’am.

 Then stop talking. Yes, ma’am. Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other. That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.

 Yes, ma’am. Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other. That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.

 Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other. That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met.

 Now, the reason I called Amy over was to find out what type of person she is. And after chatting a bit, I have to say that while she is a perfectly unique young woman, you two are definitely not suited for each other. That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met. Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it. Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.

 That’s a peculiar conclusion. By any standard, Amy is more similar to me than anyone I’ve ever met. Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it. Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.

 Oh, I’m sorry, Shelly, I can’t see it. Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there.

 Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant. I can’t see subatomic particles, but nevertheless, they’re there. Excellent point. A physics point. Touche.

 A physics point. Touche. Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you. Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.

 Touche. Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you. Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.

 Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you. Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences.

 Well, putting aside the pig Latin, it’s a good thing that you two decided to end the relationship so I didn’t have to end it for you. Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences. I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you. I’ll go as high as 40.

 Amy, after consideration, I believe we may have acted rashly. I propose we resume our relationship and attempt to resolve our differences. I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you. I’ll go as high as 40.

 I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you. I’ll go as high as 40.

 I’ll agree to that only if you’ll stipulate that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you. I’ll go as high as 40. Sixty-five. Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

 I’ll go as high as 40. Sixty-five. Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

 Sixty-five. Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

 Sixty-five. Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you? I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating. Would you like to see my cats?

 Done. You understand that moving forward, we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you? I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating. Would you like to see my cats?

 I do. I find being cast in the role of bad girl oddly titillating. Would you like to see my cats?

 Next! Thank you, Amy. Here’s your cat. And here’s your $20. Next!

 Oh, you’re so arrogant. If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance. You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto. I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

 You’re wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto. I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

 I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

 Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

 I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice. Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data… Oh, Penny? Penny?

 Yeah, it’s like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice. Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data… Oh, Penny? Penny?

 Has it occurred to you you’re missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data… Oh, Penny? Penny?

 Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift. When was the last time you saw her? Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table). Hi, guys.

 When was the last time you saw her? Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table). Hi, guys.

 Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under table). Hi, guys.

 All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her, but you’re too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did. In a nutshell. Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you. Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.

 In a nutshell. Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you. Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.

 Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you. Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not.

 Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn’t know it’s you. Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not. You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk? Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.

 Now, you see, I don’t know if you’re kidding or not. You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk? Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.

 You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk? Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks.

 You’re being unreasonable. Why can’t I have a desk? Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks. You have a desk. Correct.

 Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don’t need desks. You have a desk. Correct.

 You have a desk. Correct. But I can’t have one. You’re two for two.

 But I can’t have one. You’re two for two. Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon? Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.

 You’re two for two. Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon? Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.

 Why can’t he have a desk, Sheldon? Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.

 Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I’ve explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it’s convenient, there’s absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture. Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand? Yes. Okay, what if he buys his own desk?

 Oh, but there’s money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand? Yes. Okay, what if he buys his own desk?

 Yes. Okay, what if he buys his own desk? Yeah, what if I buy my own desk? That’s ridiculous.

 Okay, what if he buys his own desk? Yeah, what if I buy my own desk? That’s ridiculous.

 Yeah, what if I buy my own desk? That’s ridiculous. Why? Because…

 Yes? It’s my office. Sheldon. All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.

 It’s my office. Sheldon. All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.

 Sheldon. All right, all right. He can buy his own desk. And I can put it in your office? Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?

 All right, all right. He can buy his own desk. And I can put it in your office? Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?

 And I can put it in your office? Well, you really want to dot the I’s and cross the T’s, don’t you?

 I wasn’t athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly. Okay, fine. Look, look, I’m calling her now! See? Thank you.

 One question. Yeah? Why on earth are you telling me all this? I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.

 Yeah? Why on earth are you telling me all this? I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.

 Why on earth are you telling me all this? I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.

 I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy.

 Why on earth are you telling me all this? I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy. You said I could buy a desk. This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.

 I don’t know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you’re not a real boy. You said I could buy a desk. This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.

 You said I could buy a desk. This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity.

 You said I could buy a desk. This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity. Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk? It’s actually British.

 This isn’t a desk. This is a Brobdingnagian monstrosity. Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk? It’s actually British.

 Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk? It’s actually British.

 Is that the American idiom for giant, big-ass desk? It’s actually British. Can you say it again for me? Brobdingnagian.

 It’s actually British. Can you say it again for me? Brobdingnagian.

 Can you say it again for me? Brobdingnagian. One more time? Brobdingnagian.

 One more time? Brobdingnagian. Now three times fast? Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?

 Brobdingnagian. Now three times fast? Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?

 Now three times fast? Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here?

 Now three times fast? Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here? That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.

 Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna… How did you even get it in here? That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.

 That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out.

 That’s for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out. All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out. No. Yes.

 All right, you’ve made your point. A fine prank, very amusing. Now get it out. No. Yes.

 No. Yes. I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.

 Yes. I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.

 I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you.

 I have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon, I can do this all day. All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you. Knock yourself out. Help me move my desk.

 All right, if you’re not going to remove it, I’ll remove it for you. Knock yourself out. Help me move my desk.

 No. Yes. No. It’s too Brobdingnagian. Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.

 Yes. No. It’s too Brobdingnagian. Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.

 No. It’s too Brobdingnagian. Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.

 No. It’s too Brobdingnagian. Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose. Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on. All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.

 Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose. Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on. All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.

 Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on. All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.

 Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I’d say it’s spot-on. All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted. Thank you. Stand by for my upcoming tat.

 All right, I see what’s going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted. Thank you. Stand by for my upcoming tat.

 No, you don’t. It’s me. The lusty charmer with the fancy patter and the hoochie pants. Be patient, we’ll get there. Told you.

 Oh, God, what’s that smell? (Knocks on Sheldon’s door. Sheldon answers in a gas mask). Oh-ho-hoo! Yes? What are you doing in there? I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.

 Yes? What are you doing in there? I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.

 What are you doing in there? I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.

 I’m making hydrogen sulphide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control. It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement. Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out. Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.

 It’s not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India, an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street, and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement. Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out. Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.

 Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out. Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.

 Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles.

 Well, we’ll just see how long you can hold out. Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles. Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas? Yes.

 Well, we’ll just see how your noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles. Didn’t you say you’re making hydrogen sulphide gas? Yes.

 Isn’t that flammable? Highly. Oh, dear. (Explosion) This is not over.

 All I’m saying is, if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably just make an actual Hulk. That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism. Thank you. It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.

 That is apt and amusing. I think I shall share that with Amy Farrah Fowler. She’ll appreciate the witticism. Thank you. It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.

 Thank you. It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you.

 Thank you. It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you. So what’s going on with you two? Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.

 It’ll also help improve her initial impression of you. So what’s going on with you two? Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.

 So what’s going on with you two? Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend.

 So what’s going on with you two? Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend. Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room? Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Well, the status is as it always was. She’s a girl. She’s a friend. She is not my, please forgive me for doing this, girlfriend. Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room? Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room? Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Right, right. So you’re still just texting and emailing? You don’t feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room? Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler. Got it. I sense judgment on your part.

 Leonard, you are my best friend. I’ve known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler. Got it. I sense judgment on your part.

 Got it. I sense judgment on your part. No, no. Maybe a little. May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.

 I sense judgment on your part. No, no. Maybe a little. May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.

 No, no. Maybe a little. May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.

 No, no. Maybe a little. May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy. Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of? I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.

 May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy. Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of? I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.

 Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of? I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.

 Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of? I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none. Oh, right. That. Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

 I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none. Oh, right. That. Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

 Oh, right. That. Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.

 Probably. What’s your point? No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard? Hmm, recently? Not much. Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?

 No point. It’s just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle. What makes you chuckle, Leonard? Hmm, recently? Not much. Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?

 Hmm, recently? Not much. Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?

 Hmm, recently? Not much. Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity? Um, shut up. You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

 Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity? Um, shut up. You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

 Um, shut up. You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.

 Um, shut up. You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal. That sounds lovely. It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?

 You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a centre three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It’s very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal. That sounds lovely. It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?

 That sounds lovely. It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?

 That sounds lovely. It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard? Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre. Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.

 It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard? Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre. Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.

 Sheldon, I’m just not dating someone right now. I don’t need to go to a senior centre. Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.

 You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can’t even speak to women. Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me. What? That’s what she said.

 Two words, deaf chick. It doesn’t matter if I can’t talk, because she can’t hear me. What? That’s what she said.

 What? That’s what she said. Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl… No, no, no, no!

 That’s what she said. Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl… No, no, no, no!

 Great. You have a girlfriend, Howard’s got a girlfriend, Sheldon’s got a girl… No, no, no, no!

 You’re saying I couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons. Are you going to let me tell the story or not?

 No. Are you ill? No. Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?

 Are you ill? No. Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?

 No. Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you?

 No. Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you? I don’t know. Maybe. I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.

 Are you still depressed because you’re alone, and no one loves you? I don’t know. Maybe. I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.

 I don’t know. Maybe. I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being.

 I want you to know that I’m genuinely concerned about your well-being. Thank you. You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot. May I offer an observation?

 Thank you. You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot. May I offer an observation?

 You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot. May I offer an observation?

 You’re welcome. But it’s still no reason to have your feet in my spot. May I offer an observation? What the hell? How long has she been here? Since we got home from the comic bookstore.

 May I offer an observation? What the hell? How long has she been here? Since we got home from the comic bookstore.

 What the hell? How long has she been here? Since we got home from the comic bookstore.

 What the hell? How long has she been here? Since we got home from the comic bookstore. That was two hours ago. As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.

 Since we got home from the comic bookstore. That was two hours ago. As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.

 That was two hours ago. As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy.

 That was two hours ago. As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy. From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation. Did you know that, Leonard?

 As per your suggestion, we’re hanging out. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the hoopla’s about. Go on, Amy. From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation. Did you know that, Leonard?

 From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based stink of desperation. Did you know that, Leonard?

 Did you know that, Leonard? No. I did. I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?

 No. I did. I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?

 I did. I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?

 I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?

 I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern? No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar. Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard? Right.

 No, I’m not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar. Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard? Right.

 Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one’s liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard? Right.

 Right. That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example. Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing? Keep going. I’m listening.

 That’s not true of all bars. Juice bars, for example. Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing? Keep going. I’m listening.

 Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing? Keep going. I’m listening.

 Oh! Good point, Amy. Yeah, building on your premise, Leonard could frequent sushi bars, salad bars, oyster bars, the Apple Genius Bar, what are you doing? Keep going. I’m listening. That was rude. He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

 Keep going. I’m listening. That was rude. He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

 That was rude. He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness.

 That was rude. He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness. Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Let’s make that our word of the day.

 He does it all the time. He’s a cornucopia of social awkwardness. Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Let’s make that our word of the day.

 Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Let’s make that our word of the day.

 Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word. Let’s make that our word of the day. Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow. Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.

 Let’s make that our word of the day. Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow. Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.

 Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow. Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you.

 Agreed. And we’ll use mellifluous tomorrow. Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you. Wait. I have a request. Yes?

 Well, I have to void my bladder. It was nice spending this time with you. Wait. I have a request. Yes?

 Wait. I have a request. Yes? I’d like you to meet my mother. I see. Can I get back to you on that?

 Yes? I’d like you to meet my mother. I see. Can I get back to you on that?

 I’d like you to meet my mother. I see. Can I get back to you on that?

 I’d like you to meet my mother. I see. Can I get back to you on that? Certainly. Good night. Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

 I see. Can I get back to you on that? Certainly. Good night. Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

 Certainly. Good night. Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

 Certainly. Good night. Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Yeah, what? Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.

 Good night. (Closing laptop, and running down stairs in panic) Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Yeah, what? Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.

 Yeah, what? Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother. Yeah. So? What does that mean?

 Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother. Yeah. So? What does that mean?

 Yeah. So? What does that mean? Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend? Uh-huh.

 What does that mean? Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend? Uh-huh.

 Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend? Uh-huh.

 Well, you know how you’re always saying that Amy is a girl who’s your friend, and not your girlfriend? Uh-huh. You can’t say that anymore. Wait. What?

 You can’t say that anymore. Wait. What? Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level. I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!

 Wait. What? Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level. I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!

 Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level. I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!

 Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level. I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me! Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.

 I don’t want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me! Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.

 Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.

 Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it? Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing. That is insane. You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.

 Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone’s girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing. That is insane. You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.

 That is insane. You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.

 That is insane. You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious. Okay, good luck. Wait! What am I supposed to do?

 You’re right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious. Okay, good luck. Wait! What am I supposed to do?

 Okay, good luck. Wait! What am I supposed to do? Well, have you considered telling her how you feel? Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.

 Wait! What am I supposed to do? Well, have you considered telling her how you feel? Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.

 Well, have you considered telling her how you feel? Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie.

 Well, have you considered telling her how you feel? Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie. All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis? Screwed.

 Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie. All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis? Screwed.

 All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis? Screwed.

 Holy Moses, how much liquid can be in one tukus? To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother. Yeah, I know what you mean.

 To be clear, I meant like Bernadette, not your mother. Yeah, I know what you mean.

 Well, I’m off to meet Bernadette’s friend. How do I look? As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel. What are you working on? I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.

 As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel. What are you working on? I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.

 What are you working on? I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother.

 What are you working on? I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother. Ah, you’re going off the grid. Exactly.

 I’m removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can’t find me and compel me to meet her mother. Ah, you’re going off the grid. Exactly.

 Ah, you’re going off the grid. Exactly. The old Unabomber approach. Kudos. Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.

 Exactly. The old Unabomber approach. Kudos. Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.

 The old Unabomber approach. Kudos. Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address.

 The old Unabomber approach. Kudos. Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address. What if she just comes over? She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.

 Thank you. I’ve also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and e-mail address. What if she just comes over? She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.

 What if she just comes over? She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.

 She’ll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles. You changed the address on the building? What about mail? Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy. Who is it?

 You changed the address on the building? What about mail? Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy. Who is it?

 Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy. Who is it?

 Oh, no worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy. Who is it? Amy Farrah Fowler. Darn! She found me!

 Amy Farrah Fowler. Darn! She found me! She’s been here before. The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.

 Darn! She found me! She’s been here before. The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.

 She’s been here before. The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack.

 She’s been here before. The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack. What do you want to do? Tell her I’m not here.

 The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan. Now, get my back, Jack. What do you want to do? Tell her I’m not here.

 Tell her I’m not here. Okay, where are you? I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details. Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.

 Okay, where are you? I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details. Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.

 I don’t know. You’ll have to devise a scenario that plausibly explains my absence, keeping in mind that the key to a good lie lies in the details. Hi, Amy. Sheldon’s not here.

 Fair warning, I had the asparagus. My pee is gonna stink up the place. I think she likes you.

 Sheldon? Rats! I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother. No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

 Rats! I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother. No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

 I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother. No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

 I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother. No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship. So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?

 No misunderstanding. I’ve learned what that request actually means, and I don’t want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship. So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?

 In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship. So we’d be perpetrating a ruse?

 In what way are you screwed? All I want to do is present you as my boyfriend to my mother so she’ll be satisfied that I’m in a relationship. So we’d be perpetrating a ruse? Precisely. And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?

 So we’d be perpetrating a ruse? Precisely. And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me?

 Precisely. And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me? Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships. Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

 And you haven’t fallen hopelessly in love with me? Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships. Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

 Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships. Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

 Don’t be absurd. I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships. Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me. I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status. Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

 Amy Farrah Fowler, that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me. I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status. Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

 I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status. Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

 You’re asking me out? Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away. I look forward to it.

 Yeah. And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away. I look forward to it.

 I assure you I am quite real and I’m having regular intercourse with your daughter. What? Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt. Amy, what is he saying?

 What? Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt. Amy, what is he saying?

 Oh, yes. We’re like wild animals in heat. It’s a wonder neither of us has been hurt. Amy, what is he saying?

 Amy, what is he saying? You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins. Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina. Oh!

 You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins. Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina. Oh!

 Oh, yes, it’s time for me to make love to your daughter’s vagina. Oh!

 Gagh! Problem? This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker. Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.

 Problem? This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker. Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.

 This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker. Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler.

 This is the worst cobbler I’ve ever eaten. I mean it tastes like it was made of actual ground-up shoemaker. Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler. Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya. Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.

 Amusing. A play on the two meanings of cobbler. Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya. Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.

 Hey guys, guess who I found at LAX. My baby sister Priya. Excuse me. I object. You propose a guessing game, yet you don’t give me enough time to guess. For the record, I was going to say your sister Priya.

 Oh, Sheldon. You haven’t changed a bit, have you? Why would I change? The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA? I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.

 Why would I change? The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA? I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.

 The hope has been that you’d eventually bend to public opinion. So, Priya, what brings you back to LA? I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.

 I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.

 Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it’s actually extremely plausible. And your poll numbers just keep dropping. I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo. I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.

 And your poll numbers just keep dropping. I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo. I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.

 I want to catch up with all of you, but first I really must visit the loo. I’m going too, I’ll show you where it is.

 Dude, that’s my sister you’re talking about. Okay, forget who’s hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her. Did you pinky swear? Yes.

 Okay, forget who’s hotter. The first time Priya came to LA, Leonard and I made a pact out of respect to our friendship, and to you, that neither of us would hit on her. Did you pinky swear? Yes.

 Thanks. (Grabs him and kisses him.)  Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (Looks around.) Okay.

 Oh, not really, just hang out. I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day. Train day? The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.

 I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day. Train day? The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.

 Train day? The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.

 The fun starts with brunch at Carney’s in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we’re off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that’s right, the Hollywood Carney’s, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car. I don’t think we’re going to do that. Well then apparently, you hate fun. Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?

 I don’t think we’re going to do that. Well then apparently, you hate fun. Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?

 Well then apparently, you hate fun. Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?

 Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about?

 Well then apparently, you hate fun. Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about? Uh, my plans with Priya. He rejected train day.

 Hmm, Priya’s not back yet? Well, I guess that’s not unusual, women, men, the whole sitting, standing deal, so, what are we talking about? Uh, my plans with Priya. He rejected train day.

 Uh, my plans with Priya. He rejected train day. Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands? Abundantly.

 He rejected train day. Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands? Abundantly.

 Did you make it clear that it’s two different train cars turned into hot dog stands? Abundantly.

 I have a girlfriend now. Hey, good for you. Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).  So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.

 Hey, good for you. Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).  So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.

 Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).  So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here.

 Yeah, I just wanna put it out there in case I inadvertently squirt any pheromones in your direction. Happy? (Raj nods).  So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here. I don’t know, I just have the one day. Do you like trains?

 So, uh, Priya, what are your plans while you’re here. I don’t know, I just have the one day. Do you like trains?

 Not particularly. You might as well just wait at the airport for your flight.

 It’s getting pretty late, how come you’re still up? I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s. That’s pretty cool. Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.

 I’ve found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s. That’s pretty cool. Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.

 That’s pretty cool. Oh yes. It runs on the world’s most powerful graphics chip, imagination.

 Go north. You can’t go that way. Go west. A troll blocks your passage. Okay, fasten your seatbelts, kill troll. With what? With sword. (There is a knock on the door.) You don’t have the sword. Good golly, it’s as if it’s actually happening to me. Raj finally went to bed. Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon’s still up. You said he goes to bed at nine.

 Raj finally went to bed. Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon’s still up. You said he goes to bed at nine.

 Yeah, well, (kissing her) Sheldon’s still up. You said he goes to bed at nine.

 You said he goes to bed at nine. Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and… Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll. Can’t you get rid of him?

 Yeah, he does but he got caught up in a computer game and… Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll. Can’t you get rid of him?

 Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll. Can’t you get rid of him?

 Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Hit troll with axe. Oh my, this is one tough troll. Can’t you get rid of him? If the past is any indication, no. Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.

 Can’t you get rid of him? If the past is any indication, no. Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.

 If the past is any indication, no. Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down.

 If the past is any indication, no. Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down. Drop axe. Drop axe. Brilliant.

 Leonard, I’m trapped in quicksand, the axe is dragging me down. Drop axe. Drop axe. Brilliant.

 Drop axe. Drop axe. Brilliant. Give me a minute. Sheldon, Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.

 Drop axe. Brilliant. Give me a minute. Sheldon, Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.

 Give me a minute. Sheldon, Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon.

 Give me a minute. Sheldon, Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon. Sheldon, you need to work in the morning. I know.

 Hold on. I have to figure out how to get the bucket, so I can carry the mud past the dragon. Sheldon, you need to work in the morning. I know.

 Sheldon, you need to work in the morning. I know. Well then, bed mister. Five more minutes.

 Well then, bed mister. Five more minutes. Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public. Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.

 Five more minutes. Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public. Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.

 Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public. Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula.

 Really? You’re going to risk getting sleepy in the middle of your thermodynamic fluctuations seminar? You know what happens when you yawn in public. Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula. You don’t want that, do you? No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?

 Everyone will see my oddly shaped uvula. You don’t want that, do you? No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?

 You don’t want that, do you? No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door?

 You don’t want that, do you? No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door? Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two. That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.

 No. But it’s a shame our society mocks the differently uvulated. Who was at the door? Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two. That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.

 Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two. That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice.

 Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two. That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice. No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work. Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.

 That’s unacceptable. We’re supposed to be given written notice. No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work. Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.

 No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work. Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak.

 No, no, it doesn’t matter, we’ll be at work. Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak. Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon! I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.

 Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there’s no water for an enzyme soak. Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon! I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.

 Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon! I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.

 Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon! I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight. We’re going to have to be very quiet. I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

 I’ll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight. We’re going to have to be very quiet. I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

 We’re going to have to be very quiet. I know how to get the bucket! I can turn the axe around and use the handle to reach it. Let’s see. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Go north. You are in a forest. Oh dear, I believe I’m lost. Well, I’ll just have to get a fresh start tomorrow.

 Sweetheart, just because we have fun when I come to town doesn’t mean I want to have a serious relationship. It doesn’t? Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India. I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.

 It doesn’t? Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India. I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.

 Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India. I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.

 I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something.

 Mm-mm. And besides, I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They’d have a cow. Which is a much bigger deal in India. I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something. Aha, you’re funny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 I’m not that white. My great-great grandmother was half Cherokee. I know that’s not the right kind of Indian but it is something. Aha, you’re funny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 Aha, you’re funny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.

 Aha, you’re funny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. What? I heard a woman laughing.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. What? I heard a woman laughing.

 What? I heard a woman laughing. Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman. Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.

 I heard a woman laughing. Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman. Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.

 Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman. Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.

 Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman. Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume. Air freshener. And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.

 Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume. Air freshener. And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.

 Air freshener. And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck. Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash. My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?

 And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck. Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash. My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?

 Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash. My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?

 Uh, rash, that’s a bad rash. My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection? Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

 My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection? Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

 Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

 Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch. Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go. Do you prefer ointment or cream?

 Very well, I’m sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch. Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go. Do you prefer ointment or cream?

 Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go. Do you prefer ointment or cream?

 Okay, he’s in the bathroom, let’s go. Do you prefer ointment or cream? Uh, cream. With or without a numbing agent?

 Do you prefer ointment or cream? Uh, cream. With or without a numbing agent?

 Uh, cream. With or without a numbing agent? Without. Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.

 With or without a numbing agent? Without. Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.

 Without. Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.

 Without. Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis. Fine. With. Prescription or non-prescription strength.

 Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis. Fine. With. Prescription or non-prescription strength.

 Fine. With. Prescription or non-prescription strength. Use your best judgement. Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.

 Prescription or non-prescription strength. Use your best judgement. Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.

 Use your best judgement. Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.

 Use your best judgement. Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts. Sounds great. Excellent choice.

 Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It’s usually indicated for acutely inflamed haemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts. Sounds great. Excellent choice.

 Sounds great. Excellent choice. Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.) Priya?

 Excellent choice. Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.) Priya?

 Right, right, alright. (They creep almost to the apartment door.) Priya?

 Priya? Good morning, Sheldon. For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.

 Good morning, Sheldon. For shame, Leonard. For shame. And to think I was ready to waste the last of my good haemorrhoid cream on you.

 Making pretty good time, huh? Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard? No. What do you want to talk about?

 Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard? No. What do you want to talk about?

 No. What do you want to talk about? Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister. There it is. What if someone asks?

 What do you want to talk about? Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister. There it is. What if someone asks?

 Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister. There it is. What if someone asks?

 Please don’t tell anyone I spent the night with Raj’s sister. There it is. What if someone asks? No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister. Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.

 There it is. What if someone asks? No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister. Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.

 No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister. Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.

 No-one’s going to ask if I spent the night with Raj’s sister. Perhaps. But they might ask me something else. Like what? Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?

 Perhaps. But they might ask me something else. Like what? Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?

 Like what? Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?

 Like what? Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently? Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj. In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.

 Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently? Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj. In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.

 Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj. In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.

 Priya and I are both adults. We didn’t betray Raj. In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard. What are you talking about? April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.

 In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard. What are you talking about? April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.

 What are you talking about? April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.

 What are you talking about? April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt. Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard. And Raj.

 April 12th, 2005, Bob’s Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob’s Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt. Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard. And Raj.

 Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard. And Raj. Alright, and Raj. And me.

 Alright, and Raj. And me. You? Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

 And me. You? Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

 You? Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

 You? Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause. Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena. You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

 Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause. Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena. You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

 Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena. You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

 Okay fine, I’m, I’m a horrible human being, I’m the Darth Vader of Pasadena. You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok. My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this. You mean, you want me to keep a secret.

 You’re far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok. My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this. You mean, you want me to keep a secret.

 My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this. You mean, you want me to keep a secret.

 My point is, Priya’s gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this. You mean, you want me to keep a secret. Yes. You know I can’t keep a secret.

 You mean, you want me to keep a secret. Yes. You know I can’t keep a secret.

 Yes. You know I can’t keep a secret. You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right? Why do you get to be Batman?

 You know I can’t keep a secret. You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right? Why do you get to be Batman?

 You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right? Why do you get to be Batman?

 You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you’d keep that secret. Right? Why do you get to be Batman? Because, well, Batman has the secret. Well Alfred has secrets too.

 Why do you get to be Batman? Because, well, Batman has the secret. Well Alfred has secrets too.

 Because, well, Batman has the secret. Well Alfred has secrets too.

 Like what? Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I’ve now just told to Batman. See, I can’t keep a secret.

 What. Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da! Kind of busy here, Sheldon. I know, that’s why I shortened it.

 Ta-da. It’s short for da-da-da-da! Kind of busy here, Sheldon. I know, that’s why I shortened it.

 Kind of busy here, Sheldon. I know, that’s why I shortened it. What do you want. I came to go over your alibi for last night.

 I know, that’s why I shortened it. What do you want. I came to go over your alibi for last night.

 What do you want. I came to go over your alibi for last night. What alibi? You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.

 I came to go over your alibi for last night. What alibi? You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.

 What alibi? You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.

 What alibi? You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman. Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with? The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.

 You’ve asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I’ve provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn’t have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman. Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with? The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.

 Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with? The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.

 Oh, I’m so sure I’m going to regret this, but, who was I with? The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary. Oh, God. You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.

 The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary. Oh, God. You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.

 Oh, God. You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.

 Oh, God. You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams. Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary. And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.

 You met her at Pasadena’s most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin’s, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams. Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary. And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.

 Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary. And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this.

 Leonard, call me if you’re interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary. And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this. Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep. It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.

 And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this. Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep. It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.

 Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep. It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair.

 Top of the morning to you. You’ve reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep. It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair. Where did you get that? From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.

 It’s pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn’t even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie’s flaming auburn hair. Where did you get that? From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.

 Where did you get that? From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.

 Sheldon, I don’t need an alibi. Nobody’s going to ask about last night as long as you just zip your lip. (Sheldon makes lip zipping movement.) Thankyou. Now don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. (Sheldon writes “I doubt it” on Leonard’s whiteboard.

 Uh, I was out. On Caprica night? Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink. Really, you, and where, where did you go?

 On Caprica night? Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink. Really, you, and where, where did you go?

 Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink. Really, you, and where, where did you go?

 Yeah, I, uh, went for a drink. Really, you, and where, where did you go? To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s. Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.

 Really, you, and where, where did you go? To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s. Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.

 To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s. Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole.

 To, uh, Lucky Baldwin’s. Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole. Yes. Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?

 Oh, I’ve heard of that place, isn’t that Pasadena’s favourite Irish watering hole. Yes. Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?

 Yes. Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid?

 Yes. Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid? As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it. Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.

 Did you meet anyone interesting there, perhaps a promiscuous redheaded barmaid? As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it. Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.

 As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it. Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable.

 As a matter of fact I.. I… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do it. Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable. Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night. Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

 Sure you can, you’re doing fine, it’s very believable. Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night. Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

 Look, I’m sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night. Don’t listen to him, he’s still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

 I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible? What? You slept with my sister? Yeah. How could you? We had a pact!

 What? You slept with my sister? Yeah. How could you? We had a pact!

 Yeah, well, Raj, I just want to say that I’d never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you. Really? Mmm. Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

 Really? Mmm. Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

 Mmm. Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

 Was it out of respect that you didn’t tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?

 Dude! I put that thing on my face! I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving. Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker. That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!

 I think a more amusing violation of Raj’s trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving. Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker. That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!

 Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker. That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped!

 Hey, I didn’t see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker. That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped! And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food. Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.

 That was all a lie? This year’s gifts are already wrapped! And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food. Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.

 And as long as we’re talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard’s food. Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.

 Well, excuse me. That was not a betrayal, that was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy. You put moths in my food? For science. I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.

 You put moths in my food? For science. I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.

 For science. I can’t believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.

 You used my toothbrush? Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums. Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact. Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.

 Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums. Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact. Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.

 Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact. Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.

 Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July.

 Okay, I, I, I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all done some things we’re not particularly proud of. But come on, we’re friends. Friends overlook each other’s minor lapses. For the record, Howard, I’m sorry that I broke our pact. Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July. As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush. And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.

 Thankyou, and I’m sorry about your phone. And Thanksgiving. And while we’re at it, you don’t have to wash our clothes on the fourth of July. As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush. And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.

 As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush. And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends.

 As long as we’re apologising, Sheldon, I, I’m sorry I used your toothbrush. And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends. I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving. With real puffing smoke?

 And I’m sorry. But that behaviour is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated. We are no longer friends. I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving. With real puffing smoke?

 I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving. With real puffing smoke?

 Hey, you got Snoopy out. Can I have a snowcone? Well, sure. These are pretty god, what flavour is this? Guess.

 You’re so close. I give up. Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!

 I give up. Mango, caterpillar. What are you doing? You said you liked it!

 My problem is, I don’t project confidence. So I decided that the next time I meet a woman I think is attractive, rather than holding back and being cautious, I’m going to assume the mantle of self-assurance. Oh, yeah? What’s that look like? Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget. Where are we going?

 Oh, yeah? What’s that look like? Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget. Where are we going?

 Hi. I’m Leonard. And you are beautiful. You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. I’m going to pick you up at eight, show you a night you will never forget. Where are we going?

 I’m brown and I talk funny. They’re just doing a background check on me. It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive. Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.

 They’re just doing a background check on me. It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive. Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.

 It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive. Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.

 It doesn’t matter. They’ll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it’s not offensive. Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally. Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy? You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

 Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally. Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy? You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

 Nobody cares. Do you know how long it’s been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy? You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.

 Really? Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us? Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.

 Yeah. Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us? Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.

 Is that, oh, my, I didn’t see the ring with my glasses off, so, look at that, I’m starting to exude.

 Want to get that? Not particularly. Could you get that? I suppose I could if I were asked.

 Not particularly. Could you get that? I suppose I could if I were asked.

 Could you get that? I suppose I could if I were asked. Would you please get that? Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

 I suppose I could if I were asked. Would you please get that? Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

 Would you please get that? Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

 Would you please get that? Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated? Dr. Cooper? Yes.

 Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated? Dr. Cooper? Yes.

 Dr. Cooper? Yes. I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.

 Yes. I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.

 I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI.

 I’m Special Agent Page, FBI. You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI. Here’s my I.D. And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

 You say you’re Special Agent Page, FBI. Here’s my I.D. And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

 Here’s my I.D. And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman.

 Here’s my I.D. And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman. I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

 And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn’t prove I know Batman. I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

 I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

 I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex. Thank you. For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

 Oh. All right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex. Thank you. For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

 Thank you. For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto?

 Thank you. For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto? Fidelity, bravery, integrity? Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

 For the record, I truly support the FBI in the mission which is expressed through their motto? Fidelity, bravery, integrity? Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

 Fidelity, bravery, integrity? Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet?

 Fidelity, bravery, integrity? Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet? Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

 Correct. Now to business. 18 years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven’t I heard back yet? Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

 Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes.

 Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes. Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? A little, but go on.

 That’s of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes. Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? A little, but go on.

 Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? A little, but go on.

 Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? A little, but go on. Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible? I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

 A little, but go on. Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible? I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

 Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible? I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?

 Thank you. Would you characterize him as responsible? I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible? That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in. You heard me say blu-ray, right?

 I’m going to answer that with a visual aid. This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy blu-ray set.  Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. Would you characterize that as responsible? That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in. You heard me say blu-ray, right?

 That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in. You heard me say blu-ray, right?

 That’s really not the sort of thing we’re interested in. You heard me say blu-ray, right? I did. Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

 You heard me say blu-ray, right? I did. Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

 I did. Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?

 I did. Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor? I’m afraid not. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

 Very well. Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor? I’m afraid not. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

 I’m afraid not. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is.

 I’m afraid not. Is there anything else? Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is. The Mars Rover? Did I say Mars Rover?

 Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he’s overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that’s not irresponsible, I don’t know what is. The Mars Rover? Did I say Mars Rover?

 The Mars Rover? Did I say Mars Rover? You did. That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

 Did I say Mars Rover? You did. That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

 You did. That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

 You did. That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me. Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway. I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

 That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me. Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway. I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

 Yes, well, let’s talk about it anyway. I don’t want to. Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz’s culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.

 I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes. I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything. I feel awful. Ah, me, too.

 I see. Well, it’s good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything. I feel awful. Ah, me, too.

 Ah, me, too. To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon. Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.

 To tell you the truth, I thought if anyone was going to screw things up for Howard, it’d be Sheldon. Well, your expectations have been subverted. Aha.

 What are you doing up? Sleep eludes me, Leonard. Really? Maybe sleep has met you before. Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?

 Sleep eludes me, Leonard. Really? Maybe sleep has met you before. Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?

 Really? Maybe sleep has met you before. Mockery? That’s all you have to offer?

 Really? Maybe sleep has met you before. Mockery? That’s all you have to offer? I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep? Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

 Mockery? That’s all you have to offer? I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep? Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

 I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep? Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

 I’m sorry. Why can’t you sleep? Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull. Did something happen today that’s bothering you? Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

 Who knows? I haven’t watched any scary movies recently. I’m no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it’s been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull. Did something happen today that’s bothering you? Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

 Did something happen today that’s bothering you? Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance.

 Did something happen today that’s bothering you? Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance. What? But why should that keep me up?

 Well, I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent and probably cost Howard his security clearance. What? But why should that keep me up?

 What? But why should that keep me up? Because you feel guilty? Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

 But why should that keep me up? Because you feel guilty? Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

 Because you feel guilty? Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.

 Because you feel guilty? Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience. Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now. Excuse me?

 Interesting. So you’re saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience. Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now. Excuse me?

 Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now. Excuse me?

 Actually, you don’t have insomnia. You’re sleeping now. Excuse me? You’re having a guilt-ridden dream. Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?

 Excuse me? You’re having a guilt-ridden dream. Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?

 You’re having a guilt-ridden dream. Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?

 How about that Gorn sitting on the couch? That seems fairly conclusive. (In his bed) No, Gorn, no. That’s where I sit.

 Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz. Yes. Was your statement untrue? No.

 Was your statement untrue? No. Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it. I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.

 No. Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it. I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.

 Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it. I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies.

 Then I’m afraid you can’t withdraw it. I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies. Is there anything else? Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

 I’m sorry. I don’t recall you saying no backsies. Is there anything else? Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

 Is there anything else? Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability…

 Is there anything else? Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability… I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.

 Yes. I’d like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard’s many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favour. Howard Joel Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O’s for outstanding, which he is such. W’s for witty, he’s quick with a joke. A’s for artistic, his ability… I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.

 I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go.

 I’m sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go. It’s closed. I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

 But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz left to go. It’s closed. I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

 It’s closed. I don’t understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.

 This is Leonard Hofstadter? No, it’s a different Leonard. He’s Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.

 You? Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement. And they were okay with that? No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

 Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement. And they were okay with that? No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

 And they were okay with that? No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry.

 And they were okay with that? No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry. Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry? Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

 No. If anything, I made it worse. In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. So, I’m here now to say I’m sorry. Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry? Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

 Are you kidding me? You’ve set my career back at least two years, and you think you can make it right with I’m sorry? Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five.

 Yes. I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, and when I failed to do so I delivered a heartfelt apology. Now you say apology accepted, and I will offer you a one-time-only high five. Your apology is not accepted. You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it? Leave me alone, Sheldon.

 Your apology is not accepted. You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it? Leave me alone, Sheldon.

 You’re tricking me. It really is, isn’t it? Leave me alone, Sheldon.

 Leave me alone, Sheldon. Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter. Oh, shut up.

 Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter. Oh, shut up.

 Sheldon? Hello. What are you doing here? I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

 Hello. What are you doing here? I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

 What are you doing here? I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.

 What are you doing here? I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep. You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.

 I have troubles, Penny. I’ve come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep. You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.

 You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.

 You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family. Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you? Alcohol.

 I don’t like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family. Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you? Alcohol.

 Okay, Sheldon. What can I get you? Alcohol. Could you be a little more specific? Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.

 Alcohol. Could you be a little more specific? Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.

 Could you be a little more specific? Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres.

 Could you be a little more specific? Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres. I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres. Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

 Ethyl alcohol. 40 millilitres. I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres. Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

 I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres. Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

 I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know millilitres. Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president. Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters? More or less.

 Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president. Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters? More or less.

 Would you say that’s about 40 milliliters? More or less. Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we? I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

 More or less. Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we? I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

 Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we? I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky.

 Great. (Drinks the tequila) Now, where were we? I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky. A what? You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

 I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there’s an app for that. Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I’ll have a Rosewater Ricky. A what? You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

 A what? You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel…

 A what? You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel… Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky. That’s not how it looks in the picture.

 You’ll need pitted, brandied cherries, gin, rosewater, angostura bitters and overproofed rum. Now, first, dust the cherries with sugar, then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. Then ignite the rum, caramel… Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky. That’s not how it looks in the picture.

 Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky. That’s not how it looks in the picture.

 Here you go, one Rosewater Ricky. That’s not how it looks in the picture. Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try. All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

 That’s not how it looks in the picture. Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try. All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

 Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try. All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries.

 Oh, yeah, you know, every bartender makes it differently. Why don’t you give it a try. All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries. All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind? I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.

 All right. To the metric system. (Knocks back drink. Spits it all back into glass.) I can’t taste the cherries. All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind? I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.

 All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind? I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology.

 All right. Sheldon, what’s on your mind? I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology. Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?

 I wronged Howard, and he won’t accept my apology. Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?

 Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?

 Oh, right, that. Yes, Leonard told me. Sorry, honey. Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope? I drink. To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

 Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope? I drink. To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

 I drink. To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt.

 I drink. To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt. You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend. I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

 To drinking. (Knocks back drink and spits it out again.) Nope. Oh, if only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology so I could escape this miasma of guilt. You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend. I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

 You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend. I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.

 You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn’t talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can’t go back and un-dry-hump someone’s boyfriend. I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru. Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win. Captain Kirk won.

 I see. You’re saying I’m facing Starfleet Academy’s unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru. Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win. Captain Kirk won.

 Exactly. Sometimes you can’t win. Captain Kirk won. Kirk cheated. Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

 Captain Kirk won. Kirk cheated. Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

 Kirk cheated. Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you.

 Kirk cheated. Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you. Right there with you. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

 Impressive that you know that. It’s hard to believe I’m actually having this conversation with you. Right there with you. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

 Right there with you. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it.

 Right there with you. Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it. What? I’ll reprogram Howard.

 Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru by reprogramming the simulator. That’s it. What? I’ll reprogram Howard.

 Hello, all. Hello. Hey. Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?

 Hello. Hey. Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you?

 Hey. Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you? Not really. Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

 Howard, you’re feeling better about me today, aren’t you? Not really. Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

 Not really. Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.

 Not really. Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns. Oh. Go away, Sheldon. There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.

 Yes, you are. I’m using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns. Oh. Go away, Sheldon. There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.

 Oh. Go away, Sheldon. There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain.

 Oh. Go away, Sheldon. There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain. What’s in the bag? It’s for Howard.

 There’s a nine ninety five e-book down the drain. What’s in the bag? It’s for Howard.

 What’s in the bag? It’s for Howard. Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts. Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

 It’s for Howard. Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts. Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

 Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts. Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

 Oh. Sheldon, you can’t fix this with gifts. Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this. You’re giving me a couch cushion? No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

 Nevertheless, I’ve hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this. You’re giving me a couch cushion? No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

 You’re giving me a couch cushion? No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch.

 No. The cushion is merely symbolic. I’m giving you my spot on the couch. But you love that spot. No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours. Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

 But you love that spot. No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours. Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

 No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it’s yours. Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

 All right. Apology accepted. High five. Not too hard. Thank you. I haven’t cried like this since Toy Story 3.

 High five. Not too hard. Thank you. I haven’t cried like this since Toy Story 3.

 I can’t believe you’ve never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark. And I can’t believe you’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love. When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it. I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

 And I can’t believe you’ve never read Eat, Pray, Love. When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it. I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

 When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it. I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

 I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it.

 When she comes out with Eat, Pray, Run Away From A Giant Boulder, I’ll read it. I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it. You know, I could totally rock a hat like that. That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

 I don’t care if Eat, Pray, Love changed your life, I’m not reading it. You know, I could totally rock a hat like that. That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

 You know, I could totally rock a hat like that. That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary.

 That’s the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, which I’ve never viewed in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it’s really scary. Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track? There’s no switch. Just listen and learn. Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

 Would someone please turn off the Sheldon commentary track? There’s no switch. Just listen and learn. Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

 There’s no switch. Just listen and learn. Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

 Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial.

 Penny, if you think this is good, you should come with us Friday to see it on the big screen at the Colonial. Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday? Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage. What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!

 Well, I’m watching it now. Why would I want to see it again on Friday? Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage. What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!

 Because the print they’re showing on Friday has an additional 21 seconds of previously unseen footage. What, 21 seconds? That’ll be like seeing a whole new movie!

 Mm, yeah, no, we wouldn’t. Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

 Uh-huh. I’m guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

 Relax, it’s five o’clock. The movie doesn’t start till midnight. Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go. You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives. See? Howard’s on my side.

 Another way of saying that is the movie starts at midnight, and it’s already five o’clock. Let’s go. You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives. See? Howard’s on my side.

 You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives. See? Howard’s on my side.

 You know, if we miss it, we’ll have the fun of listening to Sheldon whine about it for the rest of our lives. See? Howard’s on my side. Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you. Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.

 See? Howard’s on my side. Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you. Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.

 Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you. Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27.

 Actually, I’m not. I’m using sarcasm to mock you. Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27. Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine. What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

 Drat. Now I’m 8 for 27. Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine. What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

 Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine. What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis?

 Don’t worry, Sheldon. We’ll be fine. What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis? Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis. But how were our seats?

 What happened to the Leonard Hofstadter who waited in line with me for 14 hours to see the midnight premiere of Star Trek: Nemesis? Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis. But how were our seats?

 Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis. But how were our seats?

 Oh. Well, he waited in line for 14 hours, while you napped in a lawn chair, he got in a fight with a Klingon when he stepped out of line to pee and you wouldn’t wake up to vouch for him, and worst of all, he saw Star Trek: Nemesis. But how were our seats? Excellent. I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

 But how were our seats? Excellent. I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

 Excellent. I rest my case. Amy, don’t you agree we should leave now and get in line?

 Guys, that’s really starting to get old. Knock-knock. Who’s there? I have a girlfriend and you don’t.

 Yes, but they’re not girls. I’m a girl. Yeah, no, no, I-I-I got that. What’s the dress code? Uh, just wear something comfortable.

 Yeah, no, no, I-I-I got that. What’s the dress code? Uh, just wear something comfortable.

 What’s the dress code? Uh, just wear something comfortable. All right. I’ll have to go shopping. Knock-knock.

 Uh, just wear something comfortable. All right. I’ll have to go shopping. Knock-knock.

 All right. I’ll have to go shopping. Knock-knock. Who‘s there? Hugh.

 Hugh who? Hugh people need to listen to me. It’s time to get in line for the movie. And that’s how you tell a knock-knock joke.

 Ooh. Can’t wait for that to start. I informed you thusly. Eight for 28. This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

 I informed you thusly. Eight for 28. This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

 Eight for 28. This is where we could have been if we hadn’t stopped for dinner. This is where we could have been if Koothrappali hadn’t ordered dessert.

 Oh, I hope they let us in soon. I’m tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. It’s a vicious circle. Too bad you don’t have a stadium pal like me. What’s a stadium pal? Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

 Too bad you don’t have a stadium pal like me. What’s a stadium pal? Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

 What’s a stadium pal? Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

 Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm.

 What’s a stadium pal? Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm. Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats. What did he say?

 Let me put it this way, takes care of the bathroom problem, and it keeps your calf warm. Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats. What did he say?

 Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats. What did he say?

 Hey, guys, bad news. I just did a quick calculation. Given the size of the theatre  and the length of this line, we might not get seats. What did he say? Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap. We might not get seats?

 What did he say? Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap. We might not get seats?

 Nice going, Raj, just got him down for his nap. We might not get seats?

 We might not get seats? It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep. Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly. Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?

 It’s fine, it’s fine. Go back to sleep. Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly. Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?

 Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly. Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you?

 Oh, I informed you thusly. I so informed you thusly. Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you? Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies! Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

 Howard, you talk to him. Howard? You’re peeing, aren’t you? Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies! Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

 Hey, look who’s here! Hey, buddies! Well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton, the Jar Jar Binks of the Star Trek universe.

 Mee-sa think that very funny. Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts. Wil Wheaton. Yeah.

 Well, you-sa can go think that at the back of the line. No cuts, no buts, no coconuts. Wil Wheaton. Yeah.

 I’m a big fan. Of what? Poorly executed beards? Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late. No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.

 Of what? Poorly executed beards? Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late. No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.

 Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late. No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up.

 Do you think you could get me and my friends into the movie? We got here a little late. No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up. Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye. This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

 No problem. Come on, I’ll hook you up. Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye. This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

 Oh, awesome. We-sa gonna go into the movie now. Bye-bye. This is Indiana Jones, not Star Trek. There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here. And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up.

 No, just the one. But it’s really long. Okay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think? My nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off.

 Okay, there you go, Sultry Sunrise Red. What do you think? My nails have never looked so pretty before. Get it off.

 Wait. No, Amy, you’re supposed to ask her something personal or embarrassing. Oh. All right. What is the circumference of your areolas?

 Guys, I am sorry. We are full up. No! We’re full up. We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?

 No! We’re full up. We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?

 We’re full up. We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do?

 We really want to see this. Is there anything you can do? Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier. This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t. ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.

 Sorry. Fire regulations. Should’ve gotten here earlier. This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t. ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.

 This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t. ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.

 This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don’t. ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch. I guess that’s that. Let’s go home. You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.

 ‘Cause I’m the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch. I guess that’s that. Let’s go home. You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.

 I guess that’s that. Let’s go home. You know what? I’m going back to I told you so. I told you so.

 You know what, I don’t want to play anymore. Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.

 Well, I’m not sure how this is scored, but I believe we may have won.

 Where did he go? (Raj whistles) We’re looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke. You whistled? What is that? Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

 You whistled? What is that? Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

 What is that? Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it.

 What is that? Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it. Sheldon, this is crazy. No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.

 Raiders of the Lost Ark, with 21 additional seconds. If I can’t see it, no one else can see it. Sheldon, this is crazy. No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.

 Sheldon, this is crazy. No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.

 Sheldon, this is crazy. No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended. Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble. Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

 No. Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended. Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble. Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

 Listen to me. You are over-tired. You’re not thinking right. Put the movie back before we get into trouble. Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it’s Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

 You know who’s got to be the bravest person in the Marvel Universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk a bikini wax. You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener? He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing? As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

 You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener? He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing? As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

 He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing? As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.

 Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race. Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly. I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon. Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

 Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly. I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon. Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

 I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon. Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

 Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

 I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon. Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist. You’ll never guess what just happened. You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

 Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist. You’ll never guess what just happened. You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

 You’ll never guess what just happened. You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

 You’ll never guess what just happened. You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins? No. Aw.

 You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins? No. Aw.

 She introduced me to her father, kissed me and then shut the door in my face.Maybe she was trying to send you a message. You think? Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.

Maybe she was trying to send you a message. You think? Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.

 You think? Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.

 Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.

 Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I’m just saying, it felt like it may have meant something. Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits. Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.

 I’m just saying, it felt like it may have meant something. Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits. Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.

 Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hear the hits. Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.

 Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.

 Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh. Why do I bother talking to you people? If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen. Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?

 Why do I bother talking to you people? If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen. Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?

 If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen. Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?

 Well, good night, son. Good night, Wyatt. Oh, good night, honey. Good night. I love you.

 Good night, Wyatt. Oh, good night, honey. Good night. I love you.

 No. Well, then, what do you want? I don’t know. Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

 Well, then, what do you want? I don’t know. Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

 I don’t know. Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

 Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?

 Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits. Oh, my God. What personal habits? I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12. Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…

 Oh, my God. What personal habits? I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12. Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…

 I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12. Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…

 Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…

 I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12. Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not… Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this? Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.

 Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not… Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this? Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.

 Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this? Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.

 Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this? Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots. No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss? Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.

 Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots. No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss? Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.

 No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss? Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.

 Hey. Oh, how’d it go last night? Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop. Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?

 Oh, how’d it go last night? Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop. Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?

 Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop. Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?

 Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?

 Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop. Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened? Why? You writing a book? I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.

 Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened? Why? You writing a book? I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.

 Why? You writing a book? I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.

 I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret. Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject? That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone. Hey.

 Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject? That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone. Hey.

 It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death. Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation. Great. What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

 Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation. Great. What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

 Great. What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.

 Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight? Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why. No. Uh-uh.

 Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why. No. Uh-uh.

 No. Uh-uh. We’re good. 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

 Uh-uh. We’re good. 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

 We’re good. 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?

 Yeah, Leonard, who? 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.

 It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine. Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield. Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon. Thank you.

 Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield. Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon. Thank you.

 Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon. Thank you.

 Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon. Thank you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature. Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.

 Thank you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature. Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature. Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature. Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth. No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour. I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

 Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth. No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour. I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour. I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour. I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis. Oh, that sounds like fun. All right. What were the symptoms?

 I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis. Oh, that sounds like fun. All right. What were the symptoms?

 Oh, that sounds like fun. All right. What were the symptoms? Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing. Localized to what region?

 All right. What were the symptoms? Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing. Localized to what region?

 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing. Localized to what region?

 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing. Localized to what region? Ears and genitalia. Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.

 Localized to what region? Ears and genitalia. Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.

 Ears and genitalia. Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.

 Ears and genitalia. Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me. I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo. Who?

 Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me. I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo. Who?

 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo. Who?

 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo. Who? Zack. Then why did you ask?

 Ask what? Who. Zack. All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

 Who. Zack. All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

 Zack. All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

 Zack. All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in? Hoo. Zack.

 All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in? Hoo. Zack.

 Hoo. Zack. Why do you keep saying Zack? Because you keep saying who.

 Zack. Why do you keep saying Zack? Because you keep saying who.

 Why do you keep saying Zack? Because you keep saying who. I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night. And the answer was Zack, correct?

 Because you keep saying who. I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night. And the answer was Zack, correct?

 I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last night. And the answer was Zack, correct?

 How did you get so brave all of a sudden? It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm. Get it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!

 It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm. Get it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!

 My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal. How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels? Sheldon, I am not going through menopause. Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

 How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels? Sheldon, I am not going through menopause. Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

 Sheldon, I am not going through menopause. Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

 Sheldon, I am not going through menopause. Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy. I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack. Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

 Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy. I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack. Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

 I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack. Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.

 I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack. Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake. Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal. A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.

 Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake. Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal. A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.

 Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal. A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.

 Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genitals, I have the potential for sexual arousal. A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself. Religion? Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

 A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself. Religion? Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

 Religion? Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?

 Religion? Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture? No. Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.

 Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture? No. Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.

 No. Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.

 No. Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar. Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction? Cheap science fiction?

 Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar. Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction? Cheap science fiction?

 Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction? Cheap science fiction?

 Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction? Cheap science fiction? What are you doing? Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.

 Cheap science fiction? What are you doing? Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.

 What are you doing? Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.

 What are you doing? Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment. Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy? I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.

 Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment. Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy? I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.

 Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy? I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.

 Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy? I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it. And? I reject it.

 I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it. And? I reject it.

 And? I reject it. You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy? I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.

 I reject it. You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy? I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.

 You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy? I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.

 That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens. Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.

 Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night? The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right. That’s thinking ahead. The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.

 The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right. That’s thinking ahead. The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.

 That’s thinking ahead. The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.

 That’s thinking ahead. The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering. So how’s Amy? Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.

 The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering. So how’s Amy? Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.

 So how’s Amy? Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go. Oh, no. Why? I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.

 Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go. Oh, no. Why? I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.

 Oh, no. Why? I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.

 Oh, no. Why? I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you. Just going to skip over that insult. What insult?

 I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you. Just going to skip over that insult. What insult?

 Just going to skip over that insult. What insult? Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the Forget science. She’s horny.

 What insult? Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the Forget science. She’s horny.

 Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the Forget science. She’s horny.

 Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s the Forget science. She’s horny. Oh! Okay. Wow. It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.

 Forget science. She’s horny. Oh! Okay. Wow. It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.

 Oh! Okay. Wow. It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.

 Oh! Okay. Wow. It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it. Are you sure? What are you suggesting?

 It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it. Are you sure? What are you suggesting?

 Are you sure? What are you suggesting? I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges? It’s illegal to spay a human being.

 What are you suggesting? I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges? It’s illegal to spay a human being.

 I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges? It’s illegal to spay a human being.

 I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges? It’s illegal to spay a human being. Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind. Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.

 It’s illegal to spay a human being. Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind. Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.

 Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind. Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.

 Don’t yell at me! Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.

 Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.

 I’m sure it’ll wash off. Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel. There’s Zack. Are you sure this is what you want to do?

 Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel. There’s Zack. Are you sure this is what you want to do?

 There’s Zack. Are you sure this is what you want to do? It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do. Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.

 Are you sure this is what you want to do? It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do. Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.

 It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do. Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.

 If anybody’s going to go down, it’s going to be you. Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.

 You crimson coward! Oh, Leonard, wake up, you’re missing some very excellent superhero quips.

 Water Demon. Ice Dragon. Lesser Warlord of Ka’a. Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.

 Ice Dragon. Lesser Warlord of Ka’a. Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon.

 Lesser Warlord of Ka’a. Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon. Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

 Not so fast. Infinite Sheldon. Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

 Infinite Sheldon? Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

 Were we here earlier? Okay, we should, we should go. Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes. Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?

 Okay, we should, we should go. Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes. Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?

 Ah, not yet. I want to talk science with the science dudes. Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?

 Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you. What do you want to talk about, rocks, dinosaurs, our friend the beaver?

 You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it’ll just come back to life. Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon. No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people. They might be smarter than some people.

 Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon. No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people. They might be smarter than some people.

 No, I’m almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people. They might be smarter than some people.

 Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out. Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty. I don’t get it. A dolphin might.

 Oh, that’s easy enough. We’d need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty. I don’t get it. A dolphin might.

 I don’t know, I think we might owe the guy an apology. So go apologize. Why me? You started it, we just piled on.

 Why me? You started it, we just piled on. What would I even say? Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.

 You started it, we just piled on. What would I even say? Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.

 What would I even say? Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud.

 Zack, I’m sorry you’re stupid. Have a Milk Dud. A Milk Dud? Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies. I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?

 A Milk Dud? Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies. I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?

 Yeah, Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavour, are the most apologetic of the boxed candies. I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?

 I got a better idea. We’re all responsible. I say we all go. Come on, who’s with me? Free comic books to anyone who comes with me. I might get punched. You really want to miss that?

 Yeah, we came to talk to Zack. Hey, Zack. What do you want? Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around. No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.

 What do you want? Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around. No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.

 Listen, uh, the stuff we were saying before, we were just kidding around. No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me.

 No, you weren’t. You were making fun of me. Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis. That’s very hurtful. See?

 Come on, that’s what we do. We give each other a hard time. Hey, Sheldon, you look like a praying mantis. That’s very hurtful. See?

 Junior Mints. You guys want to come in and have a beer? Uh, we’re on our way to the comic book store. Leonard’s buying.

 You guys want to come in and have a beer? Uh, we’re on our way to the comic book store. Leonard’s buying.

 Uh, we’re on our way to the comic book store. Leonard’s buying.

 Is that sarcasm? Uh, no, it’s an indictment of the American education system. The Archies are over here. Yippee.

 Uh, no, it’s an indictment of the American education system. The Archies are over here. Yippee.

 The Archies are over here. Yippee. So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party? Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.

 Yippee. So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party? Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.

 So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party? Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America.

 So are you guys coming to my New Year’s Eve costume party? Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America. Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America. To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.

 Of course. We’re coming as the Justice League of America. Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America. To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.

 Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America. To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.

 Switching it up from last year when we came as the Justice League of America. To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman. Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches. That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?

 To that point, it occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman. Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches. That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?

 Hey, I got new boots this year. Guaranteed to add three inches. That’s sad. Let’s ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?

 Than than Leonard in high-heeled boots? Howard’s mother in high-heeled boots? I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica. Zack? He is the only person we know with actual muscles.

 I was thinking specifically of the gentleman over there moving his lips as he enjoys the latest exploits of Betty and Veronica. Zack? He is the only person we know with actual muscles.

 He is the only person we know with actual muscles. You can’t replace me with Zack. Why not? Penny did it. Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?

 You can’t replace me with Zack. Why not? Penny did it. Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?

 Why not? Penny did it. Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn’t we be?

 Hey, babe. I’m still mad at you. Well, you won’t be when you hear the great news. What great news?

 I’m still mad at you. Well, you won’t be when you hear the great news. What great news?

 Well, you won’t be when you hear the great news. What great news?

 We’re going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Year’s Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman. Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately. Wait, why me? Wh-Why can’t your girlfriend be Wonder Woman? She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.

 Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately. Wait, why me? Wh-Why can’t your girlfriend be Wonder Woman? She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.

 Wait, why me? Wh-Why can’t your girlfriend be Wonder Woman? She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.

 She and her lab team are under quarantine. Seems at the Christmas party they were doing Jell-O shots out of petri dishes that used to contain yellow fever.

 Amy Farrah Fowler doesn’t believe in wearing costumes. She isn’t the free spirit I am. Okay, well, forget it. I’m not spending my New Year’s Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume. He says he’ll wear it if you’ll be Aquaman.

 Okay, well, forget it. I’m not spending my New Year’s Eve at a comic book store wearing a Wonder Woman costume. He says he’ll wear it if you’ll be Aquaman.

 We’re going to be late. I’m pacing nervously. You’re jogging. This is how the Flash paces. I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.

 You’re jogging. This is how the Flash paces. I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.

 This is how the Flash paces. I’m not Sheldon. I’m the Flash. And now I’m going to the Grand Canyon to scream in frustration. I’m back.

 Oh, I hardly think so. The real caped crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he’s running late. I had to walk. I couldn’t get Raj on the back of my scooter. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks. Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.

 I had to walk. I couldn’t get Raj on the back of my scooter. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks. Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.

 I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. Aquaman sucks. Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.

 Look up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. I forget the rest.

 No. I’m not wearing it. It looks stupid. Come on. We’re trying to win a contest here. Forget it. I’m not wearing the wig. Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.

 Come on. We’re trying to win a contest here. Forget it. I’m not wearing the wig. Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.

 Forget it. I’m not wearing the wig. Penny, there’s no I in Justice League.

 Babe, open up. I’m not talking to you. Then who are you talking to? Babe?  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.

 I’m not talking to you. Then who are you talking to? Babe?  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.

 Then who are you talking to? Babe?  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny.

 Then who are you talking to? Babe?  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

  (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny, (Knock) Penny. What the hell is wrong with you? I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

 What the hell is wrong with you? I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

 What the hell is wrong with you? I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times. Okay. What do you want, Sheldon? I understand why you’re upset.

 I’m the Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times. Okay. What do you want, Sheldon? I understand why you’re upset.

 Okay. What do you want, Sheldon? I understand why you’re upset.

 Okay. What do you want, Sheldon? I understand why you’re upset. Really? Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.

 I understand why you’re upset. Really? Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat.

 Really? Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat. No. Wait, wait, does it? Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.

 Yes. You’re afraid that costume makes you look fat. No. Wait, wait, does it? Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.

 No. Wait, wait, does it? Don’t worry. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.

 Whoa. You dated Penny? She didn’t tell you? She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you? Who else would it be?

 She didn’t tell you? She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you? Who else would it be?

 She told me she dated a guy named Leonard. Who would have thought it was you? Who else would it be?

 I don’t know. Somebody bigger and, yeah, sure. Why not you? I may have failed. Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman. I don’t want to go without Penny.

 I may have failed. Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman. I don’t want to go without Penny.

 Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman. I don’t want to go without Penny.

 Okay, I guess we just go without a Wonder Woman. I don’t want to go without Penny. Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight. Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.

 I don’t want to go without Penny. Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight. Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.

 Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we’ve got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight. Obviously, we’re no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.

 Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He’s the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies. No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny. What makes you think I can convince her? You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.

 No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny. What makes you think I can convince her? You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.

 What makes you think I can convince her? You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.

 You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.

 Whatever. Look, if Zack and I had just gone to a regular club or a party, it would have been fine, but this, with the costumes, and you. What about me? Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look? Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.

 What about me? Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look? Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.

 Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look? Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there.

 Nothing. Let’s go to the party. (Puts on wig) How do I look? Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there. Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman. Oh.

 Um, I guarantee you’ll be the prettiest girl there. Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman. Oh.

 What’s the bad news? Superman probably isn’t getting laid tonight. Aw, damn.

 Thank you! Thank you so much! Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight. Ten, nine, eight… No, wait! I have a speech.

 Okay. Okay, ten seconds to midnight. Ten, nine, eight… No, wait! I have a speech.

 Ten, nine, eight… No, wait! I have a speech. Seven, six… Stop counting!

 Seven, six… Stop counting! Five, four, three… This is my moment, dag nab it!

 Stop counting! Five, four, three… This is my moment, dag nab it!

 That was a great party. We should dress like this all the time. Are you high? You’re being a bully. Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.

 Are you high? You’re being a bully. Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.

 You’re being a bully. Check it out. Those guys are breaking into that car.

 Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is 72 degrees, but I’m a little warm, so I’m going to turn it down. Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.

 Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter! (Runs back) Fine.

 I won’t say that all senior citizens who can’t master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder. I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation? Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer. I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!

 I had a great idea. You know how we’re always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you’re doing Fourier analysis, or using the Schrodinger equation? Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer. I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!

 Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer. I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!

 I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam!

 Howard doesn’t. He’s only an engineer. I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam! You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises. You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.

 I was thinking, we could write a little app that would use handwriting recognition, and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine. You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation and bam! You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises. You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.

 You know what’s a great app? The one that makes fart noises. You know, Leonard, that’s actually a valid idea. Very good.

 No. You take pretty girls underwater in your private submarine, and you show them fish. Why does everything have to be dirty with you? I was thinking we could work on this at night, and then maybe in a couple of weeks, we’ll have ourselves an app to sell. Sounds like we’re in business. I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.

 I was thinking we could work on this at night, and then maybe in a couple of weeks, we’ll have ourselves an app to sell. Sounds like we’re in business. I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.

 Sounds like we’re in business. I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.

 She’s not going to steal our idea. What idea? We’re gonna write an application… The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…

 What idea? We’re gonna write an application… The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…

 We’re gonna write an application… The prairie sky is wide and high, deep in the heart…

 Of Texas. Whatever your secret is, I’m sure it’s boring, so I’m not interested. It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that… Bored.

 Whatever your secret is, I’m sure it’s boring, so I’m not interested. It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that… Bored.

 It’s not boring at all. You see, in higher order mathematics, there are certain sets of equations that… Bored.

 Bored. Satisfied? Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her. Hey, wait a minute.

 Satisfied? Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her. Hey, wait a minute.

 Hardly. Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario. A young woman alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her. Hey, wait a minute.

 Hey, wait a minute. Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going. Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard. Hey, I…

 Well, hang on. Let’s see where he’s going. Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard. Hey, I…

 Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard. Hey, I…

 Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard. Hey, I… Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going. She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

 Hey, I… Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going. She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

 Hang on. Let’s see where he’s going. She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

 She befriends them, and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder. That is ridiculous. Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time. Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.

 That is ridiculous. Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time. Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.

 Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time. Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.

 Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this.

 Oh, is it? Well let’s see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time. Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this. There’s your answer, free food. All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

 Oh, great. You know what? I’ve already mooched dinner off you guys. I don’t need to listen to this. There’s your answer, free food. All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

 There’s your answer, free food. All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

 There’s your answer, free food. All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app. Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist. A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.

 All right, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting these workflow charts which outline our various duties and the path we will follow as we develop our ground-breaking new app. Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist. A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.

 Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist. A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres.

 Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist. A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres. Oh. Very clever. But still racist. Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.

 A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we’re a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centres. Oh. Very clever. But still racist. Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.

 Oh. Very clever. But still racist. Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.

 Oh. Very clever. But still racist. Duly noted, Steve from Wichita. Why am I listed as your executive assistant? Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.

 Duly noted, Steve from Wichita. Why am I listed as your executive assistant? Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.

 Why am I listed as your executive assistant? Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present.

 Why am I listed as your executive assistant? Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present. Okay, we need to stop for a minute. Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.

 Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute. FYI, my mother’s birthday is coming up. I’m going to need you to pick up a present. Okay, we need to stop for a minute. Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.

 Okay, we need to stop for a minute. Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks.

 Okay, we need to stop for a minute. Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks. Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge. Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.

 Leonard, please, we can talk during our break. We have one coming up at midnight. We’ll need snacks. Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge. Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.

 Sheldon, you’re not in charge. It’s my idea. I’m in charge. Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder.

 Oh, of course you are. Look at the organizational chart. You’re clearly listed as founder. Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer. You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee. Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.

 Well, yes, and you’re listed as Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer. You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee. Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.

 You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee. Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.

 Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project.

 You missed Chief Science Officer, Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee. Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project. Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass. All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

 Okay. You need to get clear on this right now. I am in charge of this project. Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass. All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

 Ooh. Leonard’s going all alpha nerd on Sheldon’s ass. All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

 All right. All right, I’m not going to argue with you. Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player. Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn. Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface. Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.

 Thank you. I thought we might start by talking about the user interface. Oh, dear Lord, we’re doomed.

 So this button here will allow you to scan a new equation, but over here, you can press this, and just substitute new values for the coefficients. Good one, boss. What? This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.

 Good one, boss. What? This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.

 What? This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps.

 What? This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps. It’s not a joke. It’s the real design. In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

 This diagram. I assume you were opening with a joke. It certainly buoyed up this employee’s esprit de corps. It’s not a joke. It’s the real design. In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

 It’s not a joke. It’s the real design. In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing?

 It’s not a joke. It’s the real design. In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing? Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way. Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.

 In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks to make it slightly less embarrassing? Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way. Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.

 Sheldon, I think this will work. Let’s just try it my way. Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men.

 Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I assumed that you wanted candid truth-telling from your employees, but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering of complacent yes-men. Are you done? If you say so, boss.

 How about this for the app name? The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked Differential Optimized Numerator. So it spells Sheldon? Does it? A happy accident. We’re not doing names now. Howard?

 So it spells Sheldon? Does it? A happy accident. We’re not doing names now. Howard?

 Does it? A happy accident. We’re not doing names now. Howard? Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?

 We’re not doing names now. Howard? Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?

 Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation?

 Like I was saying, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation? No. Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

 All right, fine. If we’re not going to give it a name, can we at least give it a secret code designation? No. Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

 No. Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

 No. Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs. That’s just Sheldon backwards. Another happy accident.

 Well, but hear me out. The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project. Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago. For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs. That’s just Sheldon backwards. Another happy accident.

 That’s just Sheldon backwards. Another happy accident. We’re not wasting time with names right now. I see. Is that decision open for discussion?

 Another happy accident. We’re not wasting time with names right now. I see. Is that decision open for discussion?

 We’re not wasting time with names right now. I see. Is that decision open for discussion?

 I see. Is that decision open for discussion? No. Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion? No.

 Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion? No. Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

 No. Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

 Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

 Again, right now it’s just a dummy procedure, but eventually, it will drop us into… I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership. Oh Sheldon, stop it. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…

 I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership. Oh Sheldon, stop it. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…

 Oh Sheldon, stop it. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together…

 Oh Sheldon, stop it. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together… That’s enough, Sheldon. All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

 When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds that tie three competent scientists together… That’s enough, Sheldon. All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

 That’s enough, Sheldon. All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

 That’s enough, Sheldon. All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny. Okay, that’s it, you’re fired. Really? Why?

 All right, let’s get right to the vote. Show of hands all those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny. Okay, that’s it, you’re fired. Really? Why?

 Really? Why? Because you’re impossible to work with. I see. And is that open for discussion?

 Because you’re impossible to work with. I see. And is that open for discussion?

 What are you doing? Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night. But I fired you. Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.

 Oh. Good morning, shoemaker. I think you’ll be pleased with what the elves were up to last night. But I fired you. Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.

 But I fired you. Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor.

 But I fired you. Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor. No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever. But I made it better.

 Oh, I know. I’m now an independent contractor. No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever. But I made it better.

 No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever. But I made it better.

 No, you are now nothing. You have no connection to this project whatsoever. But I made it better. I don’t want it better. I want it my way. Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.

 But I made it better. I don’t want it better. I want it my way. Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.

 I don’t want it better. I want it my way. Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants.

 I don’t want it better. I want it my way. Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants. What the hell are bus pants? They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

 Well, that speaks volumes, doesn’t it? All right, I suppose I’ll go put on my bus pants. What the hell are bus pants? They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

 What the hell are bus pants? They are pants one wears over one’s regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you’ve lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

 Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. The desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex. You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

 It means after we play handball, I’m showering at home. Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these. World’s Greatest Astrophysicist? Don’t thank me. You earned it.

 Good morning, Friend Howard. Friend Raj. I see you gentlemen are enjoying beverages. Perhaps they would taste better out of these. World’s Greatest Astrophysicist? Don’t thank me. You earned it.

 World’s Greatest Astrophysicist? Don’t thank me. You earned it.

 World’s Greatest Astrophysicist? Don’t thank me. You earned it. Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer? I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

 Don’t thank me. You earned it. Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer? I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

 Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer? I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

 Howard Wolowitz. Why not World’s Greatest Engineer? I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard. We’re not quitting on Leonard. I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?

 I’m sorry. I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn’t press enter. Now down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard. We’re not quitting on Leonard. I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?

 We’re not quitting on Leonard. I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?

 Hold on. That’s it! Eureka! Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together. Fine. Let’s say it together.

 Eureka! Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together. Fine. Let’s say it together.

 Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together. Fine. Let’s say it together.

 Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together. Fine. Let’s say it together. No. The moment has passed. Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?

 Fine. Let’s say it together. No. The moment has passed. Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?

 No. The moment has passed. Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?

 No. The moment has passed. Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project? You mean, Project Lenwoloppali? Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

 Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project? You mean, Project Lenwoloppali? Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

 You mean, Project Lenwoloppali? Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

 We’re actually scanning equations and getting good results. Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress. Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet? No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…

 Oh, well then, by all means, carry on. I wouldn’t want to impede your progress. Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet? No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…

 Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet? No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…

 No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam…

 Howard, did you solve the install time problem yet? No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam… What are you doing?! Playing the theremin.

 No. It’s a little tricky. I’m gonna try having it pick up the libraries dynam… What are you doing?! Playing the theremin.

 What are you doing?! Playing the theremin. No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin? Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.

 Playing the theremin. No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin? Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.

 No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin? Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.

 No. I mean, what are you doing with a theremin? Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust. Sheldon! We’re working here! That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.

 Playing it. I’ve loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it’s been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust. Sheldon! We’re working here! That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.

 Sheldon! We’re working here! That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.

 Sheldon! We’re working here! That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for. No, that was completely called for. We need quiet. So, your project is more important than mine?

 That’s all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls out plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for. No, that was completely called for. We need quiet. So, your project is more important than mine?

 No, that was completely called for. We need quiet. So, your project is more important than mine?

 What you doing? Trying to contact your home planet? I’m practicing my theremin. Oh. Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.

 I’m practicing my theremin. Oh. Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah.

 Oh. Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah. Something got you down, there, Sheldon? Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.

 Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Glory, hallelujah. Something got you down, there, Sheldon? Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.

 Something got you down, there, Sheldon? Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team.

 Something got you down, there, Sheldon? Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team. Oh, honey, I’m sorry. He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

 Leonard kicked me out of my own apartment. And his app team. Oh, honey, I’m sorry. He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

 Oh, honey, I’m sorry. He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants.

 Oh, honey, I’m sorry. He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants. Is that so? Yes. And they’re still sticky.

 He wouldn’t drive me to work today. I had to wear my bus pants. Is that so? Yes. And they’re still sticky.

 Is that so? Yes. And they’re still sticky. Aw. Probably going to have to throw them away.

 Yes. And they’re still sticky. Aw. Probably going to have to throw them away.

 Aw. Probably going to have to throw them away. Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me. With you?

 Probably going to have to throw them away. Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me. With you?

 Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me. With you?

 Hey, you don’t need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me. With you? Seriously, I have a great idea for one. Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

 With you? Seriously, I have a great idea for one. Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

 Seriously, I have a great idea for one. Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?

 Seriously, I have a great idea for one. Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress? Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them. That’s your app idea?

 Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress? Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them. That’s your app idea?

 Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them. That’s your app idea?

 Okay, look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them. That’s your app idea? Well, you don’t like it? I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.

 That’s your app idea? Well, you don’t like it? I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t.

 Well, you don’t like it? I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t. Why not? Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

 I didn’t say that. But no, I don’t. Why not? Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

 Why not? Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality.

 Why not? Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality. And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that. I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

 Oh, Penny, where do I begin? The simple-mindedness of your idea is exceeded only by its crass consumerism and banality. And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that. I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

 And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that. I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

 And Leonard didn’t want to work with you? Imagine that. I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some? Do you make it with milk or water?

 I know, it’s baffling. (Singing) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some? Do you make it with milk or water?

 Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some? Do you make it with milk or water?

 Sheldon, I’m gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some? Do you make it with milk or water? Milk. Real cocoa?

 Milk. Real cocoa? That’s what it says on the packet. Do you have those little marshmallows?

 Real cocoa? That’s what it says on the packet. Do you have those little marshmallows?

 That’s what it says on the packet. Do you have those little marshmallows?

 That’s what it says on the packet. Do you have those little marshmallows? No, sorry. Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.

 Do you have those little marshmallows? No, sorry. Well, I suppose it’s appropriate.

 Okay. Wait right here. I’ll tell you one thing. If I get rich enough, that’s the kind of girl I want to take on a submarine ride. And yes, that time, I meant it to be dirty.

 I’ll tell you one thing. If I get rich enough, that’s the kind of girl I want to take on a submarine ride. And yes, that time, I meant it to be dirty.

 Oh, yes. He says they are lost without you. Well, we sure saw that coming. That’s right. You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

 Well, we sure saw that coming. That’s right. You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

 That’s right. You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew.

 That’s right. You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew. No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this. How?

 You know what I’m going to do? I am going to sit here and just let them stew. No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this. How?

 No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this. How?

 No, no, no. You know, they have suffered enough. Everybody’s suffered enough. The thing is, you’re going to have to offer him a face-saving way out of this. How? Say you’re sorry. Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.

 How? Say you’re sorry. Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.

 Say you’re sorry. Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars.

 Say you’re sorry. Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars. Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm? No.

 Oh, no. Mrs. Mary Cooper didn’t raise her no liars. Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm? No.

 Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm? No.

 Okay. Um, how about this? You know how you’re always trying to learn about sarcasm? No. No? I was being sarcastic.

 No? I was being sarcastic. Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically. Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.

 I was being sarcastic. Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically. Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.

 Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically. Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be.

 Oh. Good for you. So all you have to do here is say you’re sorry to Leonard, but say it sarcastically. Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be. Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go. Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.

 Of course. He will hear it as an attempt to mend fences, as opposed to the withering condemnation you and I will know it to be. Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go. Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.

 Yeah. Yeah, that was my plan. All right. Come on. Let’s go. Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa.

 Oh, by the way, thank you for the delicious cocoa. Oh, you’re welcome. Boy, I’m getting good at this.

 Okay, now that you’re back on the team, let’s get you caught up. Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership. Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app. Well, I must say, I am impressed.

 Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behaviour and how much I respect and admire your leadership. Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app. Well, I must say, I am impressed.

 Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app. Well, I must say, I am impressed.

 Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favourite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app. Well, I must say, I am impressed. Thanks. You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.

 Well, I must say, I am impressed. Thanks. You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.

 You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work. We have. As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.

 We have. As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let’s start fresh. Howard, we’re going to need some tea.

 Algorithm. You see, Penny, Alan Turing defined an algorithm… Bored. Okay. These are Steve Maddens. These are Nine West. These are Target. Oh, but don’t they look like Chanel? These are Michael Kors. These are Roxy. These are Sachel’s. Oh, these are Betsy Johnson, they’re so cute… Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow…

 Bored. Okay. These are Steve Maddens. These are Nine West. These are Target. Oh, but don’t they look like Chanel? These are Michael Kors. These are Roxy. These are Sachel’s. Oh, these are Betsy Johnson, they’re so cute… Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows my sorrow…

 Hey. So you guys ready to order? Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging? Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon’s hamburger. Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?

 Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o’clock and order the same exact thing, and it’s now six oh eight, I believe your question not only answers itself but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as who let the dogs out? and, uh, How are they hanging? Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon’s hamburger. Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?

 Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon’s hamburger. Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?

 You know, it is going to be difficult, but I’m going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie. Please don’t touch my breasts. I, I wasn’t going to. All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

 Please don’t touch my breasts. I, I wasn’t going to. All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

 I, I wasn’t going to. All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

 All right. I just want to establish boundaries. Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages. In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.

 Boy, this is great. I haven’t had a vacation in ages. In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.

 In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.

 You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat.

 In order to take a vacation, one first has to work. You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat. That does seem to be a valid principle. I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”

 You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don’t piss off the people who handle the things you eat. That does seem to be a valid principle. I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”

 That does seem to be a valid principle. I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers’ Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.”

 Raj? What are you doing? I don’t think so. You’ve had your allotted six ounces. The first bathroom break isn’t until the Denny’s located near Bakersfield, which is approximately two and half hours away. Remember, people, we’re only as strong as our weakest bladder. Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises. All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny. Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.

 Nobody cares about your Kegel exercises. All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny. Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.

 All right. We have seven people, and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny. Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.

 It’s eleven fifteen. I’m requesting your quarter-hourly location update. Still right behind you. Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger. So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?

 Still right behind you. Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger. So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?

 Copy that, Red Five. Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger. So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?

 So, Amy, I’ve been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?

 Hang on. It’s Leonard. Hi, Leonard. Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex. Oh. Thank you, Raj.

 Yeah, hi. Listen, I just got a text from Raj. He wanted me to tell you that when Howard says nap, he means sex. Oh. Thank you, Raj.

 Are you an element in the actinoid series? No. Amy? Are you usually radioactive when found in nature? No.

 Are you usually radioactive when found in nature? No. Are you in the lanthanoid series? Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?

 No. Are you in the lanthanoid series? Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?

 Are you in the lanthanoid series? Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny?

 Are you in the lanthanoid series? Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny? Uh, I don’t know. Are you food? That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.

 Amy, it’s Penny’s turn. Penny? Uh, I don’t know. Are you food? That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.

 Uh, I don’t know. Are you food? That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table.

 Uh, I don’t know. Are you food? That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table. Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it? I knew she wasn’t lead car material.

 That’s not apropos. We’ve already established I’m found in the periodic table. Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it? I knew she wasn’t lead car material.

 Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it? I knew she wasn’t lead car material.

 Well, it’s a table, right? I mean, why can’t there be food on it? I knew she wasn’t lead car material. Who elected you Road Trip God? Leonard.

 I knew she wasn’t lead car material. Who elected you Road Trip God? Leonard.

 Of course, sometimes the Federation and the Romulans would enter the Neutral Zone to negotiate a temporary truce. Sweetie, let me put this in a way you’ll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up. Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know? Go to sleep.

 Sweetie, let me put this in a way you’ll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up. Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know? Go to sleep.

 Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know? Go to sleep.

 Got it, got it. We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know? Go to sleep. Good night. Please tell me you’re not having coitus.

 Go to sleep. Good night. Please tell me you’re not having coitus.

 Good morning and welcome to Science and Society. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD, and ScD. OMG, right? Perhaps that joke was a little too hippie-dippy for this crowd. All right then, we’ll begin with opening remarks. Miss Rostenkowski, would you like to start us off by discussing your assessment of science’s responsibility to society? Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It’s not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one. Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest  is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry. I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

 Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It’s not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one. Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest  is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry. I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

 Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest  is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry. I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

 I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

 I’d like to kick your little brown ass. What did I do? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed. I did. You said no Bridget Jones.

 What did I do? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed. I did. You said no Bridget Jones.

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed. I did. You said no Bridget Jones.

 We weren’t getting back together! It was a one-time thing! Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet. Oh, shut up, Sheldon! Hi, bestie.

 Excuse me. We’re not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet. Oh, shut up, Sheldon! Hi, bestie.

 Oh, shut up, Sheldon! Hi, bestie. Yeah, hi. All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.

 Hi, bestie. Yeah, hi. All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.

 Yeah, hi. All right, why don’t we see if we can bring this back to topic.

 I guess not. How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie? Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic. What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?

 How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie? Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic. What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?

 Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic. What, I’m not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?

 Leonard, can I ask you a question? Sure. Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life? No. Why do you ask?

 Sure. Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life? No. Why do you ask?

 Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life? No. Why do you ask?

 Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2. That bad, huh? Read this woman’s tweet. Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again

 That bad, huh? Read this woman’s tweet. Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again

 Read this woman’s tweet. Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again

 Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again

 Yeah. Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader. So, how’d the lecture go? In a word, triumphant.

 Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj, freeloader. So, how’d the lecture go? In a word, triumphant.

 In a word, triumphant. Really? Triumphant? Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today. Oh, please let me tell him.

 Really? Triumphant? Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today. Oh, please let me tell him.

 Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today. Oh, please let me tell him.

 Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people. Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom. I may have changed a few lives today. Oh, please let me tell him. I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard. Tell me what?

 Oh, please let me tell him. I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard. Tell me what?

 I don’t know, I kind of promised Howard. Tell me what? Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would. Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.

 Tell me what? Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would. Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.

 Actually, we should all share the moment. Raj, if you would. Oh, tweets about my lecture. Hmm. That’s rather unfair. That’s downright cruel. Plus, insects have six legs. Yeah, I’m not familiar with the acronym KMN.

 You really think so? Yeah. You’re a hottie. Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.

 Yeah. You’re a hottie. Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.

 Well, thanks, Bernadette. And just for the record, labradoodles are hypo-allergenic, which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.

 So, what do you think? It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up. Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish) No.

 It’s a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up. Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish) No.

 Not even when I do this? (Pretends to be a fish) No. Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy. Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

 No. Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy. Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

 Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy. Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

 Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy. Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989? If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it. For instance?

 Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I’ve failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989? If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it. For instance?

 If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it. For instance?

 If this humiliating experience is really troubling you, there are things we could do about it. For instance? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser. Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

 For instance? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser. Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

 Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser. Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

 Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser. Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz. All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people? Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.

 Hmm, no. One slip of the hand, and suddenly I’m sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz. All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people? Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.

 All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people? Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say.

 All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills, thus allowing you to communicate more effectively with other people? Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say. Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage. I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?

 Isn’t that their burden? I’m the one with something interesting to say. Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage. I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?

 Fair enough, but in its essence, teaching is a performance art. In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate, as well as entertain and engage. I sense that you’re trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany. Would you mind very much jumping to it?

 Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons. Acting lessons. Interesting. It might help if I could act as though I care about my students and whether or not they learn.

 What? You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct? I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress. All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.

 You’re an (finger quotes) actress, correct? I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress. All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.

 I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress. All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me.

 I’m not an (finger quotes)actress. I’m an actress. All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me. You want an acting lesson? Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.

 All right. You’re an actress. I need you to teach me. You want an acting lesson? Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.

 You want an acting lesson? Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft.

 You want an acting lesson? Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft. Okay, where is this coming from? It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.

 Perhaps two. I’d like to master the craft. Okay, where is this coming from? It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.

 Okay, where is this coming from? It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one.

 Okay, where is this coming from? It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one. Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge. So, when could we start?

 It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing, at which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I suck the big one. Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge. So, when could we start?

 Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge. So, when could we start?

 Yeah, I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put ’em on my fridge. So, when could we start? Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t. I suppose that’s one way to look at it.

 So, when could we start? Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t. I suppose that’s one way to look at it.

 Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t. I suppose that’s one way to look at it.

 Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn’t. I suppose that’s one way to look at it. I think it’s the only way to look at it. Are you going to help me or not?

 I suppose that’s one way to look at it. I think it’s the only way to look at it. Are you going to help me or not?

 I think it’s the only way to look at it. Are you going to help me or not?

 I think it’s the only way to look at it. Are you going to help me or not? Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.

 Are you going to help me or not? Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.

 Probably. I’m just enjoying the foreplay. Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career? Oh, I’m sorry, I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher was the signal that one’s career had reached the end of the road.

 What ya thinking so hard about? Just that I’m definitely not gay.

 What’s wrong? Nothing. I was acting. You were acting? Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s

 Nothing. I was acting. You were acting? Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s

 You were acting? Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s

 You were acting? Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s Well, good for you. Come on in. How shall we begin?

 Yes. In preparation for today’s studies, I read Stanislavski’s An Actor Prepares, Stella Adler’s Well, good for you. Come on in. How shall we begin?

 Well, I thought we’d start with some basic movement exercises. You know, get our bodies warmed up a little. All right. So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon? You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.

 All right. So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon? You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.

 So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon? You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.

 You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing.

 So I just want you to relax and kind of move around in the space. You know, just do whatever feels natural. Sheldon? You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing. Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies. Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.

 You said to do whatever feels natural. This feels natural. Certainly more natural than what you’re doing. Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies. Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.

 Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies. Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other.

 Come on, you got to work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies. Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other. All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up. You’re the teacher.

 Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other. All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up. You’re the teacher.

 All right, let’s just say we’ve warmed up. You’re the teacher. Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation? Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.

 You’re the teacher. Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation? Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.

 Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation? Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum.

 Okay. One of the things that might help you in connecting with your students is being a little more spontaneous. So why don’t we try some improvisation? Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum. This is all about listening and responding. Gotcha.

 Why not? It seems like you’re improvising your entire curriculum. This is all about listening and responding. Gotcha.

 This is all about listening and responding. Gotcha. I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it. All right.

 Gotcha. I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it. All right.

 I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it. All right.

 I’m going to create a character and a situation, and you just jump in when you feel it. All right. All right. Action.

 All right. Action. Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action. Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?

 Action. Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action. Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?

 Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action. Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it?

 Okay, it’s not a movie. It’s improv. So no one calls action. Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it? Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you? I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.

 Hey, you taught me something. Who would have thought it? Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you? I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.

 Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you? I’d like a frozen yogurt, please.

 Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you? I’d like a frozen yogurt, please. Yogurt? Yeah.

 Yogurt? Yeah. Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here. You do?

 Yeah. Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here. You do?

 Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here. You do?

 Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here. You do? Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes. All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.

 You do? Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes. All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.

 Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes. All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.

 Yes. Look up at the sign, and remember, improv is always about saying yes. All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital. What? It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

 All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital. What? It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

 What? It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

 What? It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt. Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass. Oh, and we’re going to use props?

 It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt. Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass. Oh, and we’re going to use props?

 Okay, you know what? Let’s just try a different improv. Uh, oh, this time we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass. Oh, and we’re going to use props?

 So, did you get a chance to go over the scene I gave you? Yes. I didn’t care for it. Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.

 Yes. I didn’t care for it. Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.

 Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either.

 Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either. Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study? I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.

 So is the McRib sandwich. I don’t care for that, either. Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study? I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.

 Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study? I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.

 Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study? I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play. And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams? Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?

 I’m glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play. And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams? Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?

 And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams? Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide?

 And you think it’s better than Tennessee Williams? Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide? Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before. It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.

 Why don’t we leave that for future generations to decide? Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before. It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.

 Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before. It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated.

 Where No Sheldon Has Gone Before. It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated. KMN. Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.

 It’s the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd Century, where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated. KMN. Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.

 KMN. Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life.

 KMN. Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life. Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone. Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

 Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon’s mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life. Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone. Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

 Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone. Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason.

 Okay, that’s fine, but let’s try and get you out of your comfort zone. Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason. Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock. I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?

 Why would we want to do that? It’s called the comfort zone for a reason. Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock. I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?

 Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock. I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock?

 Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little, so I’m thinking you’ll play the role of your mother, and I will bring life to Mr. Spock. I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock? It’s only logical. Very well. I’ll set the scene.

 I’m sorry. You’ll be Spock? It’s only logical. Very well. I’ll set the scene.

 It’s only logical. Very well. I’ll set the scene. All right. East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.

 Very well. I’ll set the scene. All right. East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.

 All right. East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.

 All right. East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches. Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene. Hoo!

 East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Aw-aw-aw! Out in the woods, an owl screeches. Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene. Hoo!

 Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene. Hoo! Now just read your mother’s line. Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.

 Hoo! Now just read your mother’s line. Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.

 Now just read your mother’s line. Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.

 Now just read your mother’s line. Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful. Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!

 Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I’ll never understand that boy. But then again, I’m a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful. Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!

 Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful. Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun!

 Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful. Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun! Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock. I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.

 Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain’t foolin’ no one, and get your shotgun! Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock. I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.

 Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock. I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it.

 Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock. I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it. Just keep going! Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.

 I’m sorry. I just don’t buy it. Just keep going! Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me.

 Just keep going! Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me. We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”

 Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me. We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”

 We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.”

 We have been monitoring your son Sheldon from the 23rd Century, and we have determined that he is now ready to join us. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.” Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little. Why?

 I understand. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future! Be sure to pack clean underwear.” Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little. Why?

 Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little. Why?

 Okay, okay, let’s try that last line again, and this time, maybe try choking up a little. Why? Well, you’re losing your son. Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.

 Why? Well, you’re losing your son. Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.

 Well, you’re losing your son. Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much.

 Well, you’re losing your son. Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much. All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue. I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.

 Yes, but he’s going to a better place where he won’t get beat up. So much. All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue. I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.

 All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue. I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it.

 All right, come on, just try it my way. Pretend you’re sad to see him go. I’m gonna lead you in. His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy. That’s your cue. I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it. All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.

 I’m sorry. I just love that line. Even the way you do it. All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.

 All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.

 All right, come on, come on. Put some real emotion into it. Blah-blah, blah, blah, vast and troubled galaxy. Go. Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear. That’s good. That’s good. That’s good. Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.

 Oh, Shelly? A man’s here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear. That’s good. That’s good. That’s good. Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.

 That’s good. That’s good. That’s good. Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.

 That’s good. That’s good. That’s good. Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me. Okay, I guess we’re improvising now. Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.

 Mommy, why are you crying? ‘Cause I’m gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me. Okay, I guess we’re improvising now. Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.

 Okay, I guess we’re improvising now. Well I’m sorry. It’s not my fault. I’m just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy’s late for Indian bingo.

  Hey! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! You are my heart! My universe! My universe! Dance number aside, I’m so not gay.

 I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn’t eat, they starved. You’re thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter. Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.

 You’re thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter. Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.

 Hey, don’t bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter. Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock.

 Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o’clock. Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria? Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble. Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.

 Why’s the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria? Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble. Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.

 Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble. Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here.

 Perhaps he’s emulating Shakespeare’s Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he’d have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I’ve sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble. Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here. Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today? That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

 Or maybe he heard it’s Tator Tot Tuesday. That’s why I’m here. Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today? That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

 Hey, there’s my favorite geniuses! How are we doing today? That depends, how much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?

 Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia. It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls. Sounds great!

 It’s not a touch phobia, it’s a germ phobia. If you’d like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls. Sounds great!

 Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls. Sounds great!

 Yeah. So, listen, fellas, who’s up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls. Sounds great! I’m in! Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?

 Sounds great! I’m in! Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?

 I’m in! Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion?

 I’m in! Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion? Just a little fund-raiser for the university. Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.

 Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn’t mean you should jump into his windowless van. What’s the occasion? Just a little fund-raiser for the university. Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.

 Just a little fund-raiser for the university. Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.

 I understand your reticence, Dr. Cooper, and I sympathize, but the hard facts are, occasionally, we have to shake a few hands and kiss a few butts to raise money for our research. I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform. All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, you don’t want that.

 I don’t care, it’s demeaning. And I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair. Which, by the way, is something you don’t want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign’s uniform. All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, you don’t want that.

 All right, let me put it this way. You’re gonna put on a suit, you’re gonna come to this party, and you’re gonna explain your research to a bunch of old people, or I swear to God, I’ll blind you with a hot spoon, like they did to that little boy in Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, you don’t want that.

 Okay, let’s go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus. Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey. Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does. Oh. We should get going.

 Oh, Howard, I can’t believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey. Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does. Oh. We should get going.

 Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does. Oh. We should get going.

 Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn’t pick out my clothes. My mother does. Oh. We should get going. What about Sheldon? Sheldon is not going.

 Oh. We should get going. What about Sheldon? Sheldon is not going.

 What about Sheldon? Sheldon is not going. Really? What do we tell Siebert? Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

 Sheldon is not going. Really? What do we tell Siebert? Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

 Really? What do we tell Siebert? Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

 All right, Dr. Kooth… uh, whatever it is, you’re up. It’s Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.

 Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you’ve made a foolish mistake. Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window. Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race. That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.

 Unlikely. But make your case. Keeping in mind that your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I’m not above minimizing your window. Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race. That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.

 Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race. That’s it. Prepare to be minimized.

 Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race. That’s it. Prepare to be minimized. I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?

 That’s it. Prepare to be minimized. I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?

 I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?

 I’m not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab? Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante? Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter. Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

 Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante? Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter. Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

 Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter. Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

 Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter. Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page. And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh. Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.

 Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page. And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh. Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.

 And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh. Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding.

 And consider this, without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh. Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding. Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department. Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!

 Are you trying to scare me? ‘Cause you’re succeeding. Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department. Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!

 Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department. Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people!

 Well, then prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year’s donations might go to, say, the geology department. Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people! Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts. No!

 Oh, dear,not, not the dirt people! Or worse, it could go to the liberal arts. No!

 Oh, I don’t know, it’s one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun. No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.

 No, no, no, I’m just here for your money. I don’t want to shake anyone’s germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.

 Hello, Mrs. Latham. Yes, I live with him. I don’t, I, I really don’t know why. Tonight? Sure, that’d be great. Okay, I’ll, I’ll see you then. Bye. She wants to have dinner and talk about my research. An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box? Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up. Okay, I see what’s happening.

 An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going, the drive-thru at Jack in the Box? Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up. Okay, I see what’s happening.

 Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up. Okay, I see what’s happening.

 Well, wherever we’re going, she’s sending a car to pick me up. Okay, I see what’s happening. What? My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.

 Okay, I see what’s happening. What? My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.

 What? My stature intimidates her, so she’s using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.

 And I’m seriously considering taking it to the next level. Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don’t remind me of my mom.

 Terrific. Great. What level is that? (She grabs him and kisses him) Okay, now you don’t remind me of my mom.

 I’m sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is? Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching. You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive. Hey. How was dinner?

 Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching. You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive. Hey. How was dinner?

 You know, it’s a shame, all that work she’s doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive. Hey. How was dinner?

 No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It’ll take two weeks. Leonard, are you okay? Um, I’m not sure. What’s going on?

 What’s going on? Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump. Oh, wow! Yes!

 Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump. Oh, wow! Yes!

 Wait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars? I think so. You lucky duck. You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?

 I think so. You lucky duck. You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you?

 You lucky duck. You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you? I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night. Excellent! What are you planning to wear?

 You’re really a broken toy, aren’t you? I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night. Excellent! What are you planning to wear?

 I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night. Excellent! What are you planning to wear?

 I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night. Excellent! What are you planning to wear? What? Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.

 Excellent! What are you planning to wear? What? Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.

 What? Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this.

 What? Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this. Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her. But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.

 Penny, you’re an expert on trading sexual favours for material gain, walk him through this. Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her. But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.

 Well, n-no, hold on a second, I’m not going to sleep with her. But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.

 But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump. Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen. Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science! I repeat, not gonna happen.

 Well, forget it! It’s not gonna happen. Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science! I repeat, not gonna happen.

 Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science! I repeat, not gonna happen.

 What was all that about me trading sexual favours for material gain? It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

 I won’t be too late. I’m just gonna make a final pitch for the funding and then say good night. Hold on, I have something for you. What’s this? Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

 Hold on, I have something for you. What’s this? Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

 What’s this? Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

 What’s this? Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M. I am not going to have sex with her. Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

 Just a few things you may need tonight. There’s, uh, baby oil, condoms and, uh, a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M. I am not going to have sex with her. Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

 I am not going to have sex with her. Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

 I am not going to have sex with her. Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar! Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment. Oh, come on! Why not?

 Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar! Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment. Oh, come on! Why not?

 Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment. Oh, come on! Why not?

 Are you insane? I’m not going to prostitute myself just so we can get some new equipment. Oh, come on! Why not? Good night, Sheldon. Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

 Oh, come on! Why not? Good night, Sheldon. Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

 Good night, Sheldon. Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

 Good morning, slut. What? Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it. What’s going on?

 What? Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it. What’s going on?

 Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it. What’s going on?

 Oh, please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you’re missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it. What’s going on? Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me. Are you just getting home?

 What’s going on? Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me. Are you just getting home?

 Oh, nothing’s going on. Excuse me. Are you just getting home? Yeah. That’s a good sign, right?

 Yeah. That’s a good sign, right? Oh, yeah. I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

 That’s a good sign, right? Oh, yeah. I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

 Oh, yeah. I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!

 Oh, yeah. I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker! No, I didn’t do it for the money. She stiffed you?

 I’m so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker! No, I didn’t do it for the money. She stiffed you?

 She stiffed you? I believe that’s what your roommate did to her. What? Again, read the book we gave you.

 I believe that’s what your roommate did to her. What? Again, read the book we gave you.

 What? Again, read the book we gave you. No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first. Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

 Again, read the book we gave you. No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first. Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

 No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first. Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

 No, I mean, I, I, I got the money first. Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard. Uh, I’m gonna go lie down. That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.

 Smart. Get paid up front. Yeah, I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard. Uh, I’m gonna go lie down. That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.

 Uh, I’m gonna go lie down. That’s a good idea, get your rest. There are a lot more rich old ladies out there, and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator. And I thought he didn’t learn anything from his relationship with you.

 I need a place to crash. Uh, sure. Why? Big fight with my mother. Still arguing over which CSI is the best?

 Uh, sure. Why? Big fight with my mother. Still arguing over which CSI is the best?

 Big fight with my mother. Still arguing over which CSI is the best?

 Big fight with my mother. Still arguing over which CSI is the best? No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette. What’s going on?

 Still arguing over which CSI is the best? No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette. What’s going on?

 No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette. What’s going on?

 No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette. What’s going on? Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother. Did you offer him a hot beverage?

 What’s going on? Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother. Did you offer him a hot beverage?

 Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother. Did you offer him a hot beverage?

 Howard’s gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother. Did you offer him a hot beverage? No. Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.

 Did you offer him a hot beverage? No. Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.

 No. Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.

 Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea. Tea does sound nice. You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof? There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.

 Tea does sound nice. You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof? There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.

 You heard the man, Leonard. And while you’re at it, I’m upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa. Point of inquiry, given that Leonard is your secondary friend and Koothrappali is your primary friend, why didn’t you seek refuge under his roof? There’s no room. His sister is staying with him.

 Priya’s in town? Yeah, some work thing. Anyway, my mother seems to think that Bernadette… Hold on. When did Priya get here? I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.

 Yeah, some work thing. Anyway, my mother seems to think that Bernadette… Hold on. When did Priya get here? I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.

 Hold on. When did Priya get here? I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.

 I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette.

 Hold on. When did Priya get here? I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette. Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye. Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.

 I don’t know. A couple of days ago. The thing is, Bernadette doesn’t like that I have to take care of my mother, and my mother doesn’t trust Bernadette. Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye. Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.

 Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye. Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you.

 Yeah, that’s a real pickle. Bye. Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you. That’s not really necessary. No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.

 Don’t worry. As your tertiary friend, I am prepared to step in and comfort you. That’s not really necessary. No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.

 That’s not really necessary. No, no. I’ll finish making the tea, while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever’s troubling you.

 Sure. It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.

 It’s completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I’ll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Dials phone) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Dials again) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.

 Would you be sleeping over again this evening? Because you’re welcome to. That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans. Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready. Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.

 That’s very nice of you, but I made other plans. Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready. Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.

 Well, just keep in mind that should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready. Hi, Howard. Hi, Sheldon.

 Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together. Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex. The word is forbade. Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.

 Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex. The word is forbade. Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.

 Who can’t go out with Leonard? My sister. Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya. It’s very nice to meet you.

 My sister. Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya. It’s very nice to meet you.

 Penny, this is Raj’s sister, Priya. It’s very nice to meet you.

 Rajesh, don’t be a child. I’m not being a child. Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her. My sister’s 38 and married. All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

 I’m not being a child. Leonard, I swear to God, if your sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her. My sister’s 38 and married. All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

 My sister’s 38 and married. All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

 All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

 All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter. Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza. That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports. Hi. Penny, right?

 Ooh, I thought I smelled pizza. That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports. Hi. Penny, right?

 That’s remarkable. If pepperoni were an explosive substance, you could replace German shepherds at our nation’s airports. Hi. Penny, right?

 So, how you holding up? I’m fine. Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking. So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

 I’m fine. Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking. So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

 Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking. So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

 So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

 Oh, who are you kidding? She’s breathtaking. So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting. Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn. Did you get the part?

 So, Penny, Leonard tells me you’re an actress. That must be pretty exciting. Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn. Did you get the part?

 Oh, yeah, yeah. It’s real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat food commercial. Turned out to be porn. Did you get the part?

 Thank you. Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours. Okay.

 Now, let’s get these electrodes attached and see what’s going on in that pretty little noggin of yours. Okay.

 I smell Chinese food. It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping. Are Leonard and Priya here? They went to Catalina for the weekend.

 It’s actually Thai. You’re slipping. Are Leonard and Priya here? They went to Catalina for the weekend.

 Are Leonard and Priya here? They went to Catalina for the weekend.

 Are Leonard and Priya here? They went to Catalina for the weekend. Oh. Where’s Raj? At home, forbidding it.

 They went to Catalina for the weekend. Oh. Where’s Raj? At home, forbidding it.

 Oh. Where’s Raj? At home, forbidding it. How about Howard? I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.

 At home, forbidding it. How about Howard? I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.

 How about Howard? I’m given to understand his mother grounded him for running away.

 What up, bestie? Good news. Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist. Great. So, you feeling better? Not really.

 So, you feeling better? Not really. Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset. Right. I’ll make tea.

 Not really. Sheldon, you have a guest who’s upset. Right. I’ll make tea.

 Oh, sweetie, it’s okay. I don’t want tea. I’m sorry. It’s not optional.

 Okay, I’m out of here. Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going? I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us? But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

 Un momento. Oh, for heaven’s sake, now you’re being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going? I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us? But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

 I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us? But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

 I’m having dinner with Priya at Raj’s. I think Howard’s going to be there. You want to join us? But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan. Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight? We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

 But tonight’s Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan. Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight? We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

 Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight? We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

 Can’t we make a one-time exception for tonight? We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic. Just come with me to Raj’s. Well, I don’t want to go to a party.

 We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic. Just come with me to Raj’s. Well, I don’t want to go to a party.

 Just come with me to Raj’s. Well, I don’t want to go to a party.

 Just come with me to Raj’s. Well, I don’t want to go to a party. It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there. I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.

 Well, I don’t want to go to a party. It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there. I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.

 It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there. I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.

 It’s not a party. It’s the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there. I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party. How come it’s not a party when we do it here? Because we don’t throw parties.

 I’m sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party. How come it’s not a party when we do it here? Because we don’t throw parties.

 How come it’s not a party when we do it here? Because we don’t throw parties.

 How come it’s not a party when we do it here? Because we don’t throw parties. I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not? Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

 Because we don’t throw parties. I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not? Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

 I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not? Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.

 I don’t know what to tell you, Sheldon. I’m going to see Priya. Everyone’s over there. You coming or not? Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you. I guess you’re right. See you later. Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?

 Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you. I guess you’re right. See you later. Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?

 I guess you’re right. See you later. Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner?

 I guess you’re right. See you later. Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner? Come with me to Raj’s and eat there. I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?

 Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner? Come with me to Raj’s and eat there. I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?

 Come with me to Raj’s and eat there. I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding?

 Come with me to Raj’s and eat there. I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding? I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve. But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.

 I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding? I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve. But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.

 I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve. But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both.

 I can’t do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding? I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve. But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both. What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?

 I really doubt that’s what he’ll serve. But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both. What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?

 But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both. What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone?

 But what if he does? I’ll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep’s stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don’t know why he’s serving both. What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone? No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness. Oh, dear!

 What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone? No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness. Oh, dear!

 No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness. Oh, dear!

 No, I’ll go to your haggis party. But I’m telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness. Oh, dear! What? Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.

 Oh, dear! What? Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.

 What? Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.

 What? Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner. So don’t watch TV. Read a book. And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.

 Raj’s television. I just realized we’re about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner. So don’t watch TV. Read a book. And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.

 So don’t watch TV. Read a book. And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style.

 So don’t watch TV. Read a book. And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style. Ugh! The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?

 And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that’s not my style. Ugh! The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right?

 The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right? Right. Is it about me or the dead pixels? Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.

 Right. Is it about me or the dead pixels? Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.

 Is it about me or the dead pixels? Hey, you’re just in time. We made Tex-Mex.

 Oh, sounds great. Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza. Hey, you. Hi.

 Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza. Hey, you. Hi.

 Hey, you. Hi. That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth? Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.

 Hi. That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth? Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.

 That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth? Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit.

 That’s got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister’s mouth? Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit. There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable. Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.

 Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit. There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable. Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.

 There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable. Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in.

 There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable. Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in. Just sit here. Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.

 Oh, what fun. We’re like hippies at a love-in. Just sit here. Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.

 Just sit here. Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone.

 Just sit here. Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone. Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own. Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.

 Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it’s Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer’s Stone. Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own. Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.

 Okay, we’ve got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own. Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required.

 Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required. Do you want a margarita, Sheldon? A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?

 Do you want a margarita, Sheldon? A margarita? Where are we? What is happening?

 Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya? Water. Neat. With a little umbrella. Where are all your friends? Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.

 Water. Neat. With a little umbrella. Where are all your friends? Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.

 Where are all your friends? Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl.

 Where are all your friends? Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl. Okay. Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?

 Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl. Okay. Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?

 Okay. Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron?

 Okay. Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron? Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy? I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.

 Excuse me? Isn’t this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron? Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy? I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.

 Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy? I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment.

 Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What’s troubling you, buddy? I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment. Oh, the horror. Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?

 I don’t think your heart’s in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj’s sister, we’re all forced to hang out at his apartment. Oh, the horror. Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?

 Oh, the horror. Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella?

 Oh, the horror. Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella? Ugh! Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?

 Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella? Ugh! Wonder what she’s exasperated about. Hello?

 There you go. Just like recovering alcoholics drink in the Caribbean. Hi, bestie. Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been? Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.

 Hi, bestie. Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been? Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.

 Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been? Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose.

 Don’t worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking. Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you’re all probably gonna be hanging out there more. Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin. Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.

 Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you’re all probably gonna be hanging out there more. Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin. Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.

 Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin. Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya.

 Penny, I’m sorry you got dragged into this. I know you’re devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin. Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya. Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise. Cluck-cluck-cluck.

 Okay, I’m not upset about Leonard and Priya. Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise. Cluck-cluck-cluck.

 Don’t be needy, bestie. That’s probably part of what chased Leonard away. What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we’d all be singing Hooray for Leonardwood. Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonards. So needy.

 Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you’d be called Leonard and the Leonards. So needy.

 What you doing? I’m setting out snacks. You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight? I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?

 I’m setting out snacks. You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight? I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?

 You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight? I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie?

 You do realize everyone’s eating at Raj’s again tonight? I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie? You’re having people over? Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.

 I didn’t say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie? You’re having people over? Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.

 You’re having people over? Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton.

 You’re having people over? Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton. Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here? Possibly. I Tweeted him.

 Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I’ll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny’s ex-boyfriend Zack and TV’s LeVar Burton. Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here? Possibly. I Tweeted him.

 Really? LeVar Burton’s coming here? Possibly. I Tweeted him. Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek. Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.

 Possibly. I Tweeted him. Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek. Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.

 Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek. Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends.

 Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek. Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends. Of course. Good night. Leonard.

 Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends. Of course. Good night. Leonard.

 Of course. Good night. Leonard. Yeah? We had a good run, you and I.

 Yeah? We had a good run, you and I. Okay. But change is a part of life.

 We had a good run, you and I. Okay. But change is a part of life.

 Okay. But change is a part of life. It certainly is. Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

 But change is a part of life. It certainly is. Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

 It certainly is. Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

 It certainly is. Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. I am leaving. Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.

 Okay. I have guests coming. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave now. I am leaving. Don’t make this harder than it is, Leonard.

 And good-bye to you, sir. He’ll be back. Of course I’ll be back. I live here!

 Um. Hi. I’m Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I’m currently living in. And I guess what I’m hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower. That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack? I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me? Of course. Barry?

 That’s very nice, Stuart. Zack? I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me? Of course. Barry?

 I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me? Of course. Barry?

 I’m Zack, and I’m, uh… uh… could you come back to me? Of course. Barry? I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle? Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

 Of course. Barry? I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle? Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

 I’m Barry Kwipke, and I’m here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle? Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle… the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.

 Sure. All right. I’ll go change. Come on in. If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.

 All right. I’ll go change. Come on in. If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.

 If you’d have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn’t have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber.

 Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub? Weally? That’s your question? What’s the difference? Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

 Weally? That’s your question? What’s the difference? Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

 What’s the difference? Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.

 Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs? Surprisingly, yes. Nice. Now, what exactly are toes? Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.

 Surprisingly, yes. Nice. Now, what exactly are toes? Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.

 Nice. Now, what exactly are toes? Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.

 Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower.

 Nice. Now, what exactly are toes? Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower. Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice… The water level rose.

 Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I’d like something to think about in the shower. Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice… The water level rose.

 Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice… The water level rose.

 Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice… The water level rose. No. Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.

 The water level rose. No. Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.

 No. Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath.

 No. Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath. Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue. Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.

 Of course it did. It’s said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath. Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue. Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.

 Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue. Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting.

 Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue. Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting. Does yours have wet bweasts in it? Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.

 Forgive me, but I think you’ll find my story is more interesting. Does yours have wet bweasts in it? Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.

 Does yours have wet bweasts in it? Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose.

 Does yours have wet bweasts in it? Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose. So, long story short, I nailed her. When he finished, he shouted Eureka!

 Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose. So, long story short, I nailed her. When he finished, he shouted Eureka!

 So, long story short, I nailed her. When he finished, he shouted Eureka!

 All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who’s ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight’s selections include ColecoVision’s Smurf Rescue in Gargamel’s Castle, Atari’s Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I’m fun. That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place? Great, I’ll make a beer run. And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.

 That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place? Great, I’ll make a beer run. And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.

 Great, I’ll make a beer run. And I’ll take a shower. We’ll meet back here in fifteen.

 Let me see that. Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let’s go find me a heinie to bite. Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard. That’s kind of creepy.

 Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard. That’s kind of creepy.

 Now, was this before or after he adopted the 25 cats? Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

 Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

 (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

 I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times.

 (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times. Come on in. Thank you.

 I think it’s like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times. Come on in. Thank you.

 Come on in. Thank you. Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies. I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.

 Thank you. Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies. I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.

 Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies. I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.

 Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies. I had to leave. They were having fun wrong. Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me. Thank you.

 I had to leave. They were having fun wrong. Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me. Thank you.

 Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me. Thank you. Would you like some homemade chili? Are there beans in it?

 Thank you. Would you like some homemade chili? Are there beans in it?

 Would you like some homemade chili? Are there beans in it? Yes. Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

 Are there beans in it? Yes. Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

 Yes. Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

 Then it’s not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you’re from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven. Sheldon, do you want some or not? Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered. I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.

 Sheldon, do you want some or not? Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered. I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.

 Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered. I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky.

 Yes, please. Your girlfriend’s a little short-tempered. I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky. Cheers. Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?

 I’d like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky. Cheers. Priya, do you know why this is called a toast?

 Yeah, if I had contacts I would have been the coolest debate club president ever to be stuffed into his own cello case. If you had them on now, you could see what we’re going to do next. Th-th-th-that’s okay. I can infer from context.

 If you had them on now, you could see what we’re going to do next. Th-th-th-that’s okay. I can infer from context.

 Here, shuffle these. Okay. Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it. Okay.

 Okay. Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it. Okay.

 Now spread them out on the table face down. Pick one, look at it. Okay.

 October sixth. Okay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card. How about that! Is that your card?

 Okay, October is the tenth month. So ten, one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. Turn over the seventh card. How about that! Is that your card?

 How about that! Is that your card? Yes, it is. Very cool! It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?

 Is that your card? Yes, it is. Very cool! It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?

 Yes, it is. Very cool! It’s not cool. It’s a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How’d you do it?

 Sorry! Pardon me! Oh, I’m so sorry! My fault! Check it out. I just got contacts.

 One, two, three, four, five. No way. That’s your card, right? Seven of clubs! That is amazing! It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.

 That’s your card, right? Seven of clubs! That is amazing! It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.

 Seven of clubs! That is amazing! It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.

 Seven of clubs! That is amazing! It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet. Oh, really? So how did I do it? Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.

 It’s not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet. Oh, really? So how did I do it? Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.

 Oh, really? So how did I do it? Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.

 Oh, really? So how did I do it? Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked. I thought you had more important things to think about. I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.

 Well, I don’t care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked. I thought you had more important things to think about. I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.

 I thought you had more important things to think about. I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break. Oh, let me see those cards.

 Yeah, good. New contacts. I should have done this years ago. So you finally getting used to them doing it on a daily basis? I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants. Yeah, I was talking to Raj.

 So you finally getting used to them doing it on a daily basis? I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants. Yeah, I was talking to Raj.

 I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants. Yeah, I was talking to Raj.

 I’m not going out with him. He can sleep with whoever he wants. Yeah, I was talking to Raj. Oopsy. This deck is rigged in some fashion.

 Yeah, I was talking to Raj. Oopsy. This deck is rigged in some fashion.

 Leonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe. Can we not discuss it? I’m sorry. I’m, never mind.

 Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet? Um… Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose. You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!

 Um… Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose. You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!

 Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can’t figure out how I got his nose. You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!

 You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil’s rubber!

 She completely understood everything I said. Case closed. Was she upset? Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are. I hope you weren’t cruel to her.

 Was she upset? Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are. I hope you weren’t cruel to her.

 Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are. I hope you weren’t cruel to her.

 Maybe, but that’s not my problem. She’s not my girlfriend, you are. I hope you weren’t cruel to her. Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 I hope you weren’t cruel to her. Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Is the autumn cruel for letting the flowers die, or is that just nature’s way? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? What? I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? What? I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.

 What? I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card.

 What? I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card. I am not opening that door, Sheldon. As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?

 I think I figured out Wolowitz’s magic trick, and I need you to pick a card. I am not opening that door, Sheldon. As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?

 I am not opening that door, Sheldon. As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one?

 I am not opening that door, Sheldon. As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one? Yep. (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?

 As you wish. (Cards slide under door) Pick a card, put it back, and prepare to be amazed. (Leonard does not) Did you pick one? Yep. (Sliding card under door) Is this your card?

 Yep. (Sliding card under door) Is this your card? (Not looking) Nope. Drat. Is this your card?

 (Sliding card under door) Is this your card? (Not looking) Nope. Drat. Is this your card?

 Whatcha doin’? I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick. What’s up with the infrared cameras? I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

 I’m reverse engineering Wolowitz’s magic trick. What’s up with the infrared cameras? I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

 What’s up with the infrared cameras? I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

 What’s up with the infrared cameras? I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm. Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory? Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.

 I’m measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which one’s been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm. Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory? Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.

 Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory? Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns.

 Holy crap, are you connected to the Oak Ridge National Laboratory? Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns. Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime. Relax, we’re not under attack right now.

 Yes. I’m using their Cray Supercomputer to analyze shuffling patterns. Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime. Relax, we’re not under attack right now.

 Sheldon, that computer is used for National defence. Hacking into it is a Federal crime. Relax, we’re not under attack right now.

 Oh, that’s, hot, hot, hot, hot! Whoo! It really sneaks up on ya, huh? All right, I gotta go. It is pretty spicy.

 Oh, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I figured out your magic trick. Really? Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it. I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?

 Really? Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it. I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?

 Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it. I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj?

 Oh, yes. In fact, I improved upon it. I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj? Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down? All right. Pick a card.

 I’d love to see that. How about you, Raj? Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down? All right. Pick a card.

 Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down? All right. Pick a card.

 Beefaroni and a show? How do you turn that down? All right. Pick a card. Okay. Bippity-boppity-boo.

 Okay. Bippity-boppity-boo. What’s with the wand and the beep? The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.

 Bippity-boppity-boo. What’s with the wand and the beep? The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.

 What’s with the wand and the beep? The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning’s ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.

 That’s pathetic. Let me show you how a real magician does it. Raj, take a card. Don’t let me see it. Okay. Three of clubs. (It isn’t) Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!

 Okay. Three of clubs. (It isn’t) Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!

 Three of clubs. (It isn’t) Son of a gun, you’re blowing my mind!

 Hey! Hello. Why so glum, chum? Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

 Hello. Why so glum, chum? Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

 Why so glum, chum? Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

 Why so glum, chum? Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother. Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet? Figure out the magic trick yet?

 Apparently, you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother. Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet? Figure out the magic trick yet?

 Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet? Figure out the magic trick yet?

 Oh, that’s too bad. Figure out the magic trick yet? Figure out the magic trick yet? Want me to tell you how to do it? No.

 Figure out the magic trick yet? Want me to tell you how to do it? No.

 Want me to tell you how to do it? No. I’ll show you one more time. Raj? Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.

 No. I’ll show you one more time. Raj? Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.

 I’ll show you one more time. Raj? Hang on. This time do it with me, so I can make sure there’s no monkey business.

 They stole everything, Leonard, everything. Are you the roommate? Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened? Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.

 Are you the roommate? Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened? Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.

 Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened? Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.

 Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter. What happened? Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery. Oh, my God, what did they get? What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.

 Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery. Oh, my God, what did they get? What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.

 Oh, my God, what did they get? What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.

 Oh, my God, what did they get? What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold. You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account? What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

 What didn’t they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armour, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold. You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account? What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

 You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account? What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

 You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account? What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me. Into the bag. They took my battle ostrich.

 What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms, has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me. Into the bag. They took my battle ostrich.

 They took my battle ostrich. Oh, no, not Glenn? Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved. Good luck, fellas.

 Oh, no, not Glenn? Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved. Good luck, fellas.

 Yes, Glenn! The only bird I ever loved. Good luck, fellas. Thank you, officer. Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?

 Good luck, fellas. Thank you, officer. Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?

 Thank you, officer. Wait a minute! You’re not going to do anything?

 Mr. Cooper, there’s nothing… Doctor Cooper. Seriously? Not the kind with access to drugs.

 Seriously? Not the kind with access to drugs. Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora. That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?

 Not the kind with access to drugs. Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora. That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?

 Fine. Dr. Cooper. I’m sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn’t have jurisdiction in Pandora. That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop?

 That’s from Avatar, World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun? Can you at least refer me to a rogue ex-cop? What? You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice? No.

 What? You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice? No.

 You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice? No.

 You know, one who was drummed off the force because he refused to play by the rules, and now he hires himself out to impose his own brand of rough justice? No. Thank you, officer. It’s all gone. All gone.

 Thank you, officer. It’s all gone. All gone. I’m really sorry, Sheldon. What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?

 It’s all gone. All gone. I’m really sorry, Sheldon. What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?

 I’m really sorry, Sheldon. What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich?

 I’m really sorry, Sheldon. What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich? I don’t know. This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 What kind of world do we live in, where a man would take another man’s battle ostrich? I don’t know. This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 I don’t know. This act of aggression must be met with swift and cruel ferocity. It is time to cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 I’m on it. (On phone) Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz. Is, is Howard there? Okay, thanks. That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath. See if Raj is done with Pilates.

 Oh! There isn’t enough camomile tea in the world to quell the rage in my heart. Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things. Can we trust him? I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.

 Hold on. I’m talking to an orc under the bridge in Thunder Bluff who says if we pay him, he’ll help us track down your things. Can we trust him? I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.

 Can we trust him? I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.

 I should say so, he appears to be a member of the Nigerian royal family.

 Whoa! Somebody’s auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle! No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope. Hey. Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.

 No. Glenn’s was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven’t given up hope. Hey. Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.

 Hey. Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here.

 Hey, Penny. We’re kind of in the middle of a crisis, here. Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you. That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game. Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.

 Oh, I know. Bernadette told me. Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you. That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game. Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.

 That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game. Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud.

 That game? Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing… all right, technically it’s a game. Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud. Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up! Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

 Bad news, the Nigerian prince may be a fraud. Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up! Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

 Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up! Stale pastry is hollow succour to a man who is bereft of ostrich.

 Well, you have to put in a credit card number, but it’s fun. Maybe I should just go home. Our troll just walked in! I got him! We got him. We’re almost done.

 Maybe I should just go home. Our troll just walked in! I got him! We got him. We’re almost done.

 Our troll just walked in! I got him! We got him. We’re almost done.

 Our troll just walked in! I got him! We got him. We’re almost done. So, how do you guys want to play this? Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.

 We got him. We’re almost done. So, how do you guys want to play this? Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.

 So, how do you guys want to play this? Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn’t start talking, we’ll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.

 Good, because I would hate that. Leonard, you’re busy, let’s talk tomorrow. Oh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset? No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.

 Leonard, you’re busy, let’s talk tomorrow. Oh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset? No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.

 Oh, wait. Hang on. Are you upset? No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.

 No, no, I think it’s sexy to date a boy trapped in a man’s body.

 Come on, help me out. Am I in trouble? There’s no reason to worry. That’s a relief. I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

 There’s no reason to worry. That’s a relief. I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

 That’s a relief. I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

 I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

 I’m sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay. Good news, gentlemen, I found our hacker. What? Really?

 What? Really? Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman. I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!

 Really? Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman. I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!

 Yeah. No one can hide from me, not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman. I’ve never said these words before, but good job, Howard!

 The name and the address drip with evil. What else do we know about him? Well, quite a bit, actually. I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.

 What else do we know about him? Well, quite a bit, actually. I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.

 Well, quite a bit, actually. I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents.

 Well, quite a bit, actually. I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents. Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house. Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.

 I’ll bet he’s some loser who lives with his parents. Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house. Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.

 Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house. Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in.

 Yes, he does live with his parents. Here’s a Google Earth shot of their house. Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in. Hold on, you’re thinking of going there? Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.

 Excellent! It’s in a cul-de-sac. We can box him in. Hold on, you’re thinking of going there? Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.

 Hold on, you’re thinking of going there? Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away.

 Hold on, you’re thinking of going there? Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away. Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no? I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.

 Carlsbad is only a couple of hours away. Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no? I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.

 Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no? I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.

 Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no? I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture. No one’s getting tortured. Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?

 I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture. No one’s getting tortured. Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?

 No one’s getting tortured. Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?

 No one’s getting tortured. Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers? I totally had one of those. Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?

 Fine, we’ll abide by the Geneva Convention. But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers? I totally had one of those. Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?

 I totally had one of those. Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me?

 I totally had one of those. Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me? I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after? Sure.

 Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride. What do you say? Who’s with me? I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after? Sure.

 I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after? Sure.

 Oh, geez, I don’t know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row. Oh, come on, man. Bros before… my sister. Aw, screw it. I’m in. Me, too.

 Oh, come on, man. Bros before… my sister. Aw, screw it. I’m in. Me, too.

 Oh, guess who. Cover for me. Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me. New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.

 Cover for me. Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me. New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.

 Hello, Priya. What’s up? How would I know if Leonard’s at work or not? Don’t be suspicious. Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue, you’re going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed, cockamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you. Okay? Yeah, bye-bye. You owe me. New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D’s, three O’s.

 Yeah, we’re kind of bad-asses, aren’t we? Totally. Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning? Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

 Totally. Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning? Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

 Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning? Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki.

 Hey, how about we stay the night and hit Legoland in the morning? Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki. Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive. I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?

 Sea World is better. It has Shamu, who is literally tons of fun. But for the moment, let’s stay focused on Todd Zarnecki. Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive. I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?

 Yeah, we’re coming for you, Todd Zarnecki. And for the record, Legoland is more interactive. I almost feel sorry for the poor fool, sitting in his split-level suburban ranch, unaware that a vengeful horde is barrelling down the San Diego Freeway at 71 miles an hour. Ease up there, lead foot. You trying to get us killed?

 This says Beyonce Bootylicious Dance Mix. It’s a re-writable CD. Just put it in. Beyonce? Really? She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.

 It’s a re-writable CD. Just put it in. Beyonce? Really? She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that.

 She’s curvy and she owns it. I like that. Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it. We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.

 Oh, yeah, I’m feeling it. We are winged fury! Which is still no excuse for going over the posted speed limit.

 Sheldon, let’s go. Coming. Why did you bring that? No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.

 Coming. Why did you bring that? No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.

 Why did you bring that? No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth.

 Why did you bring that? No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth. Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody. So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?

 No weapon strikes more fear into a man’s heart than a Klingon bat’leth. Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody. So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?

 Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody. So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?

 Okay, let’s get clear on something. We’re just going to tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one’s bat’lething anybody. So my blade shall not taste blood tonight? No. Well, now I just feel silly holding it.

 So my blade shall not taste blood tonight? No. Well, now I just feel silly holding it.

 Well, now I just feel silly holding it. Come on. Can I at least kick down the door? You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)

 Come on. Can I at least kick down the door? You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)

 Can I at least kick down the door? You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)

 You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell)

 Can I at least kick down the door? You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell) Who is it? Your doom!

 You’re welcome to try, but the other day, it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box. (Rings bell) Who is it? Your doom!

 Your doom! Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom? Good point. Basket of puppies. What?

 Don’t say your doom. Who opens the door for their doom? Good point. Basket of puppies. What?

 Good point. Basket of puppies. What? Uh, Sheldon? Are you Todd Zarnecki?

 Uh, Sheldon? Are you Todd Zarnecki? Yeah. Who are you? I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.

 Are you Todd Zarnecki? Yeah. Who are you? I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.

 Yeah. Who are you? I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.

 Yeah. Who are you? I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back. I don’t think so. Let me see that. Careful. That’s a collectible.

 I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back. I don’t think so. Let me see that. Careful. That’s a collectible.

 I don’t think so. Let me see that. Careful. That’s a collectible.

 Yeah, he walked right into our trap. Legoland seems like a hollow dream now. Oh-oh. What’s the matter?

 Legoland seems like a hollow dream now. Oh-oh. What’s the matter?

 Something’s wrong, I’m not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines? Of course. Very basic. 19th-century technology.

 19th-century technology. Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine? No. No, not a clue.

 Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine? No. No, not a clue.

 So you lied to her. Also interesting. Yeah, she doesn’t really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing. Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty. This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?

 Yeah, she doesn’t really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing. Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty. This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?

 Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty. This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?

 This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her?

 Well, doesn’t matter if she gets it, as long as she’s pretty. This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her? So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back? No. We failed in our noble quest.

 This one’s funny, Leonard. How come you couldn’t make it work with her? So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back? No. We failed in our noble quest.

 So did you at least get Sheldon’s fake stuff back? No. We failed in our noble quest.

 Now what? Give my friend his stuff back. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.

 Give my friend his stuff back. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.

 I don’t know what you’re talking about. Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.

 Well, then, good news. Today’s the day a girl’s finally going to touch you in your little special place. (Kicks him in the groin) Now give him his stuff back.

 Alright, well great seeing you. Yeah, you too. Amy’s right. I do want to fling my poop at her.

 My new book, The Hidden Reality, takes on a grand question. Is our universe the only universe? You see, there’s a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In The Hidden Reality, I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader. Hysterical. I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.

 Hysterical. I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.

 I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club.

 I’m glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it’s nice to goof off and do something silly. Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club. You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle. Ba-dum-bump.

 Agreed. Wait till you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you’re in a comedy club. You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle. Ba-dum-bump.

 You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle. Ba-dum-bump.

 You can think about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants, where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A, you can’t order the corresponding dish in column B. That’s sort of like the Uncertainly Principle. Ba-dum-bump. Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette. Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.

 Ba-dum-bump. Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette. Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.

 Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette. Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you.

 Say, I heard an interesting tidbit about Howard and Bernadette. Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you. Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups. Forgive my language, but poppycock.

 Really, Amy? Gossip? I’m disappointed in you. Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups. Forgive my language, but poppycock.

 Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups. Forgive my language, but poppycock.

 Now, now. Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar has identified gossip as an aid to social bonding in large groups. Forgive my language, but poppycock. What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish? Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?

 Forgive my language, but poppycock. What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish? Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?

 What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish? Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1?

 What if he’s right? And by not participating in gossip, society breaks down into small feral bands of tattooed motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish? Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1? Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard. I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?

 Fine. In the parlance of the urban music scene, what’s the 4-1-1? Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard. I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?

 Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard. I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question?

 Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard. I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question? Yes? You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.

 I believe our nation’s tuna cans are safe. Excuse me. Dr. Greene, question? Yes? You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.

 Yes? You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.

 Yes? You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas. Yes, in part. Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?

 You’ve dedicated your life’s work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas. Yes, in part. Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?

 Yes, in part. Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly?

 Have you ever considered trying to do something useful? Perhaps, reading to the elderly? Excuse me? Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.

 Excuse me? Yeah, but not your books. Something they might enjoy. I kid, of course. Big fan.

 Nice shot. Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon. Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?

 Thank you. My father taught me archery as a child. It’s odd how the activity brings back the smell of Kmart bourbon. Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?

 Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing?

 Perfect. I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing? Shooting at a target? With what?

 I know. What an elf I would have made. Whoo, what do you think you’re doing? Shooting at a target? With what?

 Shooting at a target? With what? An arrow. Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.

 With what? An arrow. Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver.

 An arrow. Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver. I’m not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.

 Really? I didn’t see you draw one from your quiver. I’m not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.

 I’m not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night.

 I’m not going to do that, Sheldon. Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night. Really? How could you tell? She was attempting to engage me in gossip.

 Leonard, the people at Nintendo can only go so far in helping us recreate an actual athletic experience. We have to do our part, too. (Leonard mimes drawing an arrow and stabbing Sheldon with it.) That was uncalled for, but I’ll play along. Ow! I had an unusual experience with Amy last night. Really? How could you tell? She was attempting to engage me in gossip.

 Really? How could you tell? She was attempting to engage me in gossip.

 Really? How could you tell? She was attempting to engage me in gossip. You don’t say? Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

 She was attempting to engage me in gossip. You don’t say? Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

 You don’t say? Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie.

 You don’t say? Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie. So, what’s the gossip? Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.

 Yes. I think prolonged exposure to Penny has turned her into a bit of a Gabby Gertie. So, what’s the gossip? Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.

 So, what’s the gossip? Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity.

 So, what’s the gossip? Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity. Fine, don’t tell me. All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.

 Oh, please, I was just pointing it out. I have no desire to engage in the activity. Fine, don’t tell me. All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.

 Fine, don’t tell me. All right, get this. Bernadette is thinking about breaking up with Howard.

 Well you should have kept your mouth shut. Fair enough. Now, what’s up with Clarinet? Bernadette!

 Oh, yeah? What about it? That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains. Are you listening to this guy? Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.

 That’s all. I’ve just been thinking about it. Now, I’m thinking about fractal equations. Now I’m thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought. Now I’m thinking about trains. Are you listening to this guy? Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.

 Are you listening to this guy? Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry. I was somewhere else.

 Oh, I’d wait. No rush, no rush. Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her. Man, he’s going to be blindsided.

 No rush, no rush. Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her. Man, he’s going to be blindsided.

 Oh, great. It’s my cousin David about the ring. Hey, David, what’d you find? Oh, sure, a half a carat’s fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It’s one of the reasons I love her. Man, he’s going to be blindsided.

 Man, he’s going to be blindsided. I know. It’ll be awful. Why are you smiling? Yeah, Raj, why?

 Yeah, Raj, why? Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place. Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.

 Uh, a smile means something different in my country. You know, tears of joy, smile of sadness. India’s a goofy place. Oh, I’m back to trains. Woo-woo.

 Did I tell you our lab got a grant to study addiction? No. Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes. Have you learned anything?

 No. Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes. Have you learned anything?

 Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes. Have you learned anything?

 Fascinating work. I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes. Have you learned anything? Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate. If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.

 Have you learned anything? Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate. If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.

 Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate. If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking.

 Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it’s not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate. If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking. By all means. Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.

 If you don’t mind, I’d like to stop listening to you and start talking. By all means. Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.

 By all means. Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette.

 By all means. Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette. I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup. I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.

 Howard has announced his intention to propose marriage to Bernadette. I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup. I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.

 I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup. I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted.

 I don’t understand. The original piece of gossip indicated an impending breakup. I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted. It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory? I’m familiar with everything, but go on.

 I know. The group consensus is that his proposal will be met with an humiliating, soul-crushing rejection. Everyone was set a-twitter. Although oddly, no one tweeted. It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory? I’m familiar with everything, but go on.

 It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory? I’m familiar with everything, but go on.

 It’s not surprising that the story has captured the attention of our little circle of friends. Are you familiar with meme theory? I’m familiar with everything, but go on. Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host. I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.

 I’m familiar with everything, but go on. Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host. I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.

 Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host. I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire.

 Meme theory suggests that items of gossip are like living things that seek to reproduce using humans as their host. I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire. I should think so. That’s gold. Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?

 I’m no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase Shelly Cooper’s a smelly pooper spread like wildfire. I should think so. That’s gold. Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?

 I should think so. That’s gold. Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely?

 I should think so. That’s gold. Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely? Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation? It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.

 Your meme hypothesis does intrigue me. How might we examine this more closely? Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation? It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.

 Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation? It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent.

 Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation? It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent. We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip. And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.

 It’s one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don’t find repellent. We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip. And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.

 We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip. And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.

 How did that even happen? Did they know that’s what they were doing when they were doing it? I-I guess they just figured it out at some point. Wow. I can’t believe old Smelly Pooper finally got laid.

 I-I guess they just figured it out at some point. Wow. I can’t believe old Smelly Pooper finally got laid.

 Hey. Hey. Hope you’re hungry. Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.

 Hey. Hope you’re hungry. Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.

 Hope you’re hungry. Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context.

 Hope you’re hungry. Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context. Will Amy be joining us for dinner? Yes, I believe so.

 Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country, cruel taunt in the Sudan. It’s a lesson in context. Will Amy be joining us for dinner? Yes, I believe so.

 Will Amy be joining us for dinner? Yes, I believe so. Good, good. Everything okay between you two? Yes. Why do you ask?

 Yes, I believe so. Good, good. Everything okay between you two? Yes. Why do you ask?

 Good, good. Everything okay between you two? Yes. Why do you ask?

 Good, good. Everything okay between you two? Yes. Why do you ask? No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days. Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?

 Yes. Why do you ask? No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days. Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?

 No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days. Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?

 No reason. I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days. Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock? No. That’s not what he meant. Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 Did he mean as if she’d been out in the sun, tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock? No. That’s not what he meant. Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 No. That’s not what he meant. Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

 No. That’s not what he meant. Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Yeah, you do. You dog, you. Did you get that?

 Well, we may never know. As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Yeah, you do. You dog, you. Did you get that?

 Yeah, you do. You dog, you. Did you get that? Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda. This is moving faster than we thought.

 Did you get that? Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda. This is moving faster than we thought.

 Every word. Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda. This is moving faster than we thought.

 Pass the soy sauce. Sure. Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration. Pun intended?

 Sure. Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration. Pun intended?

 Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration. Pun intended?

 Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration. Pun intended? No. Happy accident. This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.

 Pun intended? No. Happy accident. This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.

 No. Happy accident. This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.

 No. Happy accident. This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours. I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance. Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.

 This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours. I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance. Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.

 I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance. Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were.

 I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance. Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were. Pun intended? I’m sorry. What pun?

 Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow by blow, as it were. Pun intended? I’m sorry. What pun?

 Oh, I love you so much. Oh, I love you, too. Congratulations! Oh, it’s so exciting.

 You’re pregnant? Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics?

 I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower. I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now. What? Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.

 I asked if you were in the shower, but that’s moot now. What? Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events.

 What? Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events. I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower. I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.

 Moot. Rendered unimportant by recent events. I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower. I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.

 I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower. I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency.

 I can’t hear you, I’m in the shower. I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency. What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.

 I have to skip the chitchat. Emergency. What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.

 What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.

 What kind of emergency? Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder. You might not want to do that. I assure you I do.

 Mathematical. 32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder. You might not want to do that. I assure you I do.

 You might not want to do that. I assure you I do. Sheldon, I’m not alone in here. What?

 Sheldon, I’m not alone in here. What? Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.

 What? Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.

 Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here.

 What? Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here. We were in here first, you can’t be in here.

 Hello, Sheldon. What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here. We were in here first, you can’t be in here.

 What are you doing in there? She can’t be in here. We were in here first, you can’t be in here.

 Come on, you can’t wait two minutes? Oh, Leonard, let the man pee.

 Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, you are officially charged with two violations of the roommate agreement. Do you waive reading of the charges? Yeah, fine. Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges. Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.

 Yeah, fine. Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges. Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.

 Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges. Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked.

 Hang on. No, my client does not waive reading of the charges. Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked. Proceed. Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

 Oh. Cool. I’ve got a lawyer. And I’ve seen her naked. Proceed. Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

 Proceed. Very well. Count the first, on or about the 28th day of April, the accused did knowingly and with malice aforethought deny access to the shared bathroom in a time of emergency, to wit, my back teeth were floating. Count the second, the accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.

 Can I see the roommate agreement? Um, it’s fairly technical. I think I can handle it. Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

 Um, it’s fairly technical. I think I can handle it. Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

 I think I can handle it. Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

 Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face.

 I think I can handle it. Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face. All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so.

 Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries. And your face. All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so.

 All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so.

 All right, based on a cursory reading, it doesn’t look like you have much of a case, Sheldon. Do so, do so. Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

 Do so, do so. Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

 Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.

 Oh, I’m afraid not. Section seven here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations, is not specific as to what constitutes an emergency. Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory. Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering? Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

 Oh, that’s ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory. Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering? Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

 Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering? Irrelevant. Leonard doesn’t trim his nose hair. He thinks because he’s short nobody can see up there.

 But… There’s no buts, Sheldon, that’s how the law works. Schooled! As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

 There’s no buts, Sheldon, that’s how the law works. Schooled! As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

 Schooled! As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

 As for the shower capacity issue, I cite addendum J. When Sheldon showers second, any and all measures shall be taken to ensure an adequate supply of hot water. I believe this supercedes the occupancy issue.

 No offence, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that’s happened today.

 Seriously? I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m. What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night. I’d like to refer that to my attorney.

 I wish to discuss your theories of black holes. Meet me at the Randy’s Donut by the airport at 2:00 a.m. What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night. I’d like to refer that to my attorney.

 What is that you’re eating? Tonight is pizza night. I’d like to refer that to my attorney.

 I’d like to refer that to my attorney. According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night. Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s. That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

 According to what I see here, Thursday nights are Franconi’s pizza night. Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s. That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

 Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s. That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

 That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya?

 Yes, and when Franconi’s went out of business, we switched to Graziano’s. That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya? A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No.

 That’s interesting. Can you just switch restaurants like that, Priya? A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No.

 A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No.

 A good question, Howard. Turns out you can’t. According to the document you drew up, Sheldon, the selection of a new takeout restaurant requires public hearings and a 60-day comment period. Were those criteria met? No. Opa! This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.

 Opa! This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food. Not as much as you. Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.

 This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food. Not as much as you. Fine. I’m nothing if not adaptable.

 I got you the lamb kabob. Thank you. If you think about it, Greek food isn’t that far from italian food. They share a spice palette. And what a civilization is the Greeks. They gave us science, democracy, and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.

 Hey. What’s up? The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one. Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along. A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

 The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations. Pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one. Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along. A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

 Oh, I’m sorry, honey, I’m meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. But you’re welcome to tag along. A girls night? Oh, I don’t know if I’m up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

 Pantsuits suck. And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.

 And that opens her up To justifiable ridicule for wearing them. Good one, Bernadette. See? Ker-razy.

 I don’t know how to process that. I do. Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-S-S-I-N-G. That’s too many S’s for kissing. Not if they’re doing it for a long time.

 I do. Amy and Sheldon sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-S-S-I-N-G. That’s too many S’s for kissing. Not if they’re doing it for a long time.

 That’s too many S’s for kissing. Not if they’re doing it for a long time.

 Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl? Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s. That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious? Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?

 Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X’s and O’s. That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious? Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?

 That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious? Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity?

 That doesn’t count. Aren’t you even a little curious? Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity? I’m available for experimentation. Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

 Yeah, you’re a scientist, where is the curiosity? I’m available for experimentation. Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

 I’m available for experimentation. Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

 Thank you. Not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles. Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny). I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice. Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.

 Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie (kisses Penny). I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice. Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.

 I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice. Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing.

 I’m certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice. Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing. Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate. No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

 Hey, I know, let’s take Sheldon dancing. Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate. No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

 Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate. No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.

 Oh, I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate. No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha. Really? I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

 No, thank you, but for the record, I’m an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha. Really? I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

 Really? I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread.

 Really? I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread. Did you take dance lessons? Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

 I don’t see why that’s surprising. I excel at so many things. You’ve had my sourdough bread. Did you take dance lessons? Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

 Did you take dance lessons? Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

 Did you take dance lessons? Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna. Oh, we are so taking you dancing. No, you most certainly are not.

 Against my will. In the South, pre-adolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna. Oh, we are so taking you dancing. No, you most certainly are not.

 Oh, we are so taking you dancing. No, you most certainly are not.

 Well, what does your cotillion training say is expected of a gentleman when three ladies ask him to escort them to a dance soiree? I saved a nun’s life. Why am I being punished?

 Take us to a place we can waltz. Where you can what? Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. ) Here we go.

 Where you can what? Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. ) Here we go.

 Waltz. It’s a social dance from Austria, choreographed to a three-four time signature. (Sings Blue Danube. The taxi driver says something into radio in Korean. The word “waltz” is included. Dispatcher replies also in Korean. Taxi driver sings Blue Danube. Dispatcher says “oh, waltz!” They speak Korean some more. ) Here we go.

 Oh, I’m sorry, I’m engaged. How about you? Oh, what the hell. Ooh!

 How come if we’re the smart people, we don’t do this every night? What’s 16 times 14? My burps taste like cranberry juice. And there’s your answer.

 What’s 16 times 14? My burps taste like cranberry juice. And there’s your answer.

 My burps taste like cranberry juice. And there’s your answer. Would you like to come in for a nightcap? If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

 And there’s your answer. Would you like to come in for a nightcap? If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

 Would you like to come in for a nightcap? If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one.

 Would you like to come in for a nightcap? If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one. I have yoo-hoo. It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.

 If you’re referring to the beverage, you know I don’t drink. If you’re referring to the hat you don while wearing a nightshirt and holding a candle, I have one. I have yoo-hoo. It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.

 I have yoo-hoo. It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons.

 I have yoo-hoo. It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons. Make yourself comfortable. Thank you. Is someone smoking?

 It’s hard to say no to yoo-hoo. The name literally beckons. Make yourself comfortable. Thank you. Is someone smoking?

 Make yourself comfortable. Thank you. Is someone smoking? Oh, that’s just Ricky. You own a smoking monkey?

 Thank you. Is someone smoking? Oh, that’s just Ricky. You own a smoking monkey?

 Oh, that’s just Ricky. You own a smoking monkey? Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study. What’s he doing here?

 You own a smoking monkey? Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study. What’s he doing here?

 Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study. What’s he doing here?

 Don’t be silly. He’s one of the animals in my department’s nicotine addiction study. What’s he doing here? I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable. Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?

 What’s he doing here? I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable. Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?

 I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable. Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke?

 I’m giving him emphysema. The least I can do is let him hang out and watch cable. Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke? A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping. is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?

 Remarkable. Aren’t you worried about secondhand smoke? A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping. is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?

 A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping. is he deliberately blowing smoke at me?

 A little. The real danger is him biting my face off while I’m sleeping. is he deliberately blowing smoke at me? Yeah. He’s kind of an ass. Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?

 is he deliberately blowing smoke at me? Yeah. He’s kind of an ass. Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?

 Yeah. He’s kind of an ass. Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me?

 Yeah. He’s kind of an ass. Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me? Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours? Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

 Thank you. May I share something with you that’s troubling me? Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours? Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

 Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours? Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me.

 Of course. What’s rattling around that big bulbous brain of yours? Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me. And you want me to kill her? Done. No, of course not.

 Priya has essentially nullified my roommate agreement with Leonard, making life in the apartment very uncomfortable for me. And you want me to kill her? Done. No, of course not.

 And you want me to kill her? Done. No, of course not. I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys. I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

 No, of course not. I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys. I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

 I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys. I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now.

 I trained Ricky how to smoke. I can train him to shoot a poison dart. No jury would convict us ’cause people love monkeys. I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now. Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma? No.

 I understand the alcohol has stirred up whatever it is that makes girls go wild, but I really need to talk to smart Amy now. Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma? No.

 Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma? No.

 Excuse me. Have you considered that your intelligence might be the very thing causing your dilemma? No. What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory? Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

 No. What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory? Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

 What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory? Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone.

 What do you think Ricky over here would do if an interloper encroached on his territory? Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone. You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you. Are you suggesting I play dirty?

 Well, when challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That’s a little outside my comfort zone. You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you. Are you suggesting I play dirty?

 You’re being too literal. My point is, he would not meekly surrender to the rules, and neither should you. Are you suggesting I play dirty?

 Fascinating. I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits) Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.

 I hope you don’t take what I’m about to do as a comment on what we just did. (Runs to bathroom and vomits) Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.

 Who’s to say you shouldn’t be dissecting our brains? You really are an ass.

 Morning, Sheldon. Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it. Why would I want to do that? Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

 Oh, good, you’re up. I’ve written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I’d like you to sign it. Why would I want to do that? Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

 Why would I want to do that? Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield?

 Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield? Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in? Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B. Self-destruct sequence activated.

 Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterpriseand kill them both unless he gave in? Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B. Self-destruct sequence activated.

 Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B. Self-destruct sequence activated.

 Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B. Self-destruct sequence activated. What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment? That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

 Self-destruct sequence activated. What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment? That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

 What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment? That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

 Oh, my God. What’s the big deal? Trust me, it’s a big deal. They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?

 What’s the big deal? Trust me, it’s a big deal. They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?

 Trust me, it’s a big deal. They’re gonna find out about me eventually, right?

 20 seconds. Are you ashamed of me? Of course not. Then why can’t we tell your parents?

 Are you ashamed of me? Of course not. Then why can’t we tell your parents?

 Then why can’t we tell your parents? Please, don’t push this. He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15. Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.

 Please, don’t push this. He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15. Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.

 He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15. Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.

 He does that all the time, doesn’t he? 15. Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off. No, he’s bluffing. I never bluff. Ten.

 Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off. No, he’s bluffing. I never bluff. Ten.

 We give up. Eight. This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug) It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

 Eight. This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug) It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

 This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug) It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

 This is ridiculous. (Pulls out plug) It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him? Give him what he wants or we’re done. Three.

 It’s a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him? Give him what he wants or we’re done. Three.

 Self-destruct sequence aborted. You may have gone to Cambridge, but I’m an honorary graduate of Starfleet academy.

 It most assuredly is not. Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame? Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night? Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

 Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea and shame? Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night? Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

 Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night? Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.

 Yes. I also found a Korean man’s business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night? Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle. Sheldon? All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

 Ah, memory impairment, the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle. Sheldon? All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

 Sheldon? All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

 All right. Last night you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home, you kissed me and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left. Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here. I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked. Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

 Okay. Don’t really know where we go from here. I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked. Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

 I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked. Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

 Terrific. Thank you. (Noise of Ricky in background) They were out of menthols! Get off my back! Not easy living with a temperamental little primate.

 Okay, I don’t know you people. I’m just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card. How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom? I don’t want anything in my ample bosom. Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

 How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom? I don’t want anything in my ample bosom. Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

 I don’t want anything in my ample bosom. Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.

 I don’t want anything in my ample bosom. Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team. Okay, see you later. Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

 Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team. Okay, see you later. Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

 Okay, see you later. Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.

 Okay, see you later. Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess. That is good news. Bye. Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

 Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess. That is good news. Bye. Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

 That is good news. Bye. Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.

 That is good news. Bye. Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation. That, that’s brilliant. It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

 Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced centre combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation. That, that’s brilliant. It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

 That, that’s brilliant. It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman.

 That, that’s brilliant. It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman. Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

 It’s what I do. But wait, there’s more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent, and the old woman. Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

 Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.

 Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh. All right. Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

 When the serpent slithers to an opposing player’s piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh. All right. Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

 All right. Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.

 All right. Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent. Elegant. That’s because it’s simple.

 Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent. Elegant. That’s because it’s simple.

 Elegant. That’s because it’s simple. Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you. And…

 That’s because it’s simple. Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you. And…

 Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you. And… And what? And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

 And… And what? And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

 And what? And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

 And what? And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that. Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life. Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

 And a third person. It’s three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that. Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life. Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

 Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life. Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn’t been such a hound dog, we’d all have time machines.

 Yeah. But Leonard’s impressive, too. Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.

 Thank you. Befuddled. The word I was looking for was befuddled.

 I need a hug. Sorry, I have company. Come on, Sheldon, open the door. I don’t want to hug you.

 Sorry, I have company. Come on, Sheldon, open the door. I don’t want to hug you.

 Come on, Sheldon, open the door. I don’t want to hug you. I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue. Blue, as in depressed.

 I don’t want to hug you. I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue. Blue, as in depressed.

 I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue. Blue, as in depressed.

 I don’t want to hug you, either. I was just feeling blue. Blue, as in depressed. Well, not so much depressed as lonely. I don’t know what colour lonely is.

 Blue, as in depressed. Well, not so much depressed as lonely. I don’t know what colour lonely is.

 Well, not so much depressed as lonely. I don’t know what colour lonely is.

 Well, not so much depressed as lonely. I don’t know what colour lonely is. What? Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

 I don’t know what colour lonely is. What? Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

 What? Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely.

 What? Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely. Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely. All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

 Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a colour to lonely. Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely. All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

 Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely. All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all.

 Nothing rhymes with orange. It’s probably lonely. All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all. What are you doing? I’m working on my three-person chess game.

 All right. Come in. You look positively orange with loneliness. No, I don’t see that catching on at all. What are you doing? I’m working on my three-person chess game.

 What are you doing? I’m working on my three-person chess game. Oh, cool. Can I play? It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?

 I’m working on my three-person chess game. Oh, cool. Can I play? It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?

 Oh, cool. Can I play? It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend?

 Oh, cool. Can I play? It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend? No. Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

 It’s three-person chess. Did you bring a friend? No. Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

 No. Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.

 No. Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need. No, thank you. I’m fine. It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.

 Then as a mental exercise I invite you to figure out why the two of us can’t play three-person chess. Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need. No, thank you. I’m fine. It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.

 No, thank you. I’m fine. It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.

 No, thank you. I’m fine. It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon. I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down. Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

 It’s not optional. We’re out of tea. I hope you like bouillon. I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down. Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

 I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down. Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin?

 I, uh, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s got me down. Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin? I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body. The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

 Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece. How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey, the king’s feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin? I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body. The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

 I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body. The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself.

 I’m going to be 30 years old, and I have no one in my life to love me. I’m such a basket case, I can’t even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body. The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself. Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared. Yellow. Go ahead.

 The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves, there’s a one-in-five chance he’ll kill himself. Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared. Yellow. Go ahead.

 Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared. Yellow. Go ahead.

 Sheldon, listen to me. I have a big decision to make, and I’m scared. Yellow. Go ahead. A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder. Fascinating. What’s in it?

 Yellow. Go ahead. A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder. Fascinating. What’s in it?

 A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder. Fascinating. What’s in it?

 A friend at the School of Pharmacology gave me these new pills they’re testing. He says it’s the next big thing for social anxiety disorder. Fascinating. What’s in it? I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows. I like cows.

 Fascinating. What’s in it? I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows. I like cows.

 I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows. I like cows.

 I’m not sure. Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows. I like cows. That’s not the point. It was its own point. Go on.

 I like cows. That’s not the point. It was its own point. Go on.

 Oh, cool. I’ve always wanted to go there. It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you? Uh, okay, sure. Why not? My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 It’s a beautiful country. You’d love it. May I join you? Uh, okay, sure. Why not? My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 Uh, okay, sure. Why not? My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

 My name is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and this is my friend Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Hi. Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe. What’s he observing?

 Hi. Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe. What’s he observing?

 Oh, there’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe. What’s he observing?

 All right. And what is your name? Angela. Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.

 And what is your name? Angela. Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate.

 Angela. Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate. You’re cute. I’d like to buy a scone.

 Oh, derived from the word angel. Appropriate. You’re cute. I’d like to buy a scone.

 Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out. We have muffins. They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones. What are you doing? Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

 They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones. What are you doing? Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

 What are you doing? Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

 Oh, just getting comfortable. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?

 My catapult flings my bishop to Howard’s Queen’s Gorilla two. Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart? When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

 Nice. Okay, rook to transporter pad. And he comes out at Leonard’s Queen’s Bishop Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart? When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

 Hang on. When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart? When it’s done charging. Or you land on the time machine. Obviously.

 Nah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie. Do you want me to spill hot soup on her? Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person. I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.

 Do you want me to spill hot soup on her? Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person. I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.

 Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person. I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.

 I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.

 Oh, please, you’re not that kind of person. I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version. Uh, that’s my water. What?

 I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version. Uh, that’s my water. What?

 Uh, that’s my water. What? My water. You’re drinking it. Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?

 What? My water. You’re drinking it. Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?

 My water. You’re drinking it. Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?

 My water. You’re drinking it. Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it? Yes. It’s my water. Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.

 Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it? Yes. It’s my water. Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.

 Well, that’s it then. I’m dead. Here we go. I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend. Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.

 Here we go. I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend. Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.

 I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend. Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.

 Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.

 Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other. You guys ready to order? Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don’t understand.

 You guys ready to order? Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don’t understand.

 Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don’t understand.

 Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint. I don’t understand. He drank from Leonard’s glass. He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.

 I don’t understand. He drank from Leonard’s glass. He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.

 He drank from Leonard’s glass. He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone.

 He drank from Leonard’s glass. He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone. That’s actually my napkin. Oh, this is a nightmare!

 He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carving into my tombstone. That’s actually my napkin. Oh, this is a nightmare!

 I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy. Howard, you’ve got to tell your mother. Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here? Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.

 Howard, you’ve got to tell your mother. Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here? Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.

 Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here? Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.

 Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.

 Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here? Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children. Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons. I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.

 Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children. Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons. I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.

 Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons. I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.

 Ooh, fire demon. Sheldon’s turning up the heat. Troll master. Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice! Water nymph.

 Troll master. Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice! Water nymph.

 Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice! Water nymph.

 Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice! Water nymph. Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places. Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?

 Water nymph. Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places. Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?

 Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places. Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?

 Oh, that sounds lovely. Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl. Have you met Bernadette’s parents? You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.

 Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl. Have you met Bernadette’s parents? You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.

 Have you met Bernadette’s parents? You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.

 You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time. Sheldon, that’s my water. Oh, dear Lord! That’s not your water.

 Sheldon, that’s my water. Oh, dear Lord! That’s not your water.

 That’s good to hear, ’cause I’ve got some news. I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here! Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!

 I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here! Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!

 Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? (crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma? Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.) Son of a bitch! Ma, help!

 Hey. Hello. Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going? Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?

 Hello. Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going? Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?

 Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going? Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?

 Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going? Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing? I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said. So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?

 Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing? I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said. So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?

 I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said. So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?

 I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said. So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all? My mirth. Classic. Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?

 So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all? My mirth. Classic. Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?

 My mirth. Classic. Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?

 My mirth. Classic. Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought? It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber. Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.

 Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought? It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber. Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.

 It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber. Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.

 It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’s sister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber. Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber. What are you doing at work these days? Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.

 Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber. What are you doing at work these days? Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.

 What are you doing at work these days? Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.

 Howard and his mother are at the hospital. Come on, we gotta go. Oh, my God! What happened? I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry. Okay.

 Oh, my God! What happened? I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry. Okay.

 I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry. Okay. Sheldon, let’s go! To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.

 Okay. Sheldon, let’s go! To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.

 Sheldon, let’s go! To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.

 Sheldon, let’s go! To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so. Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going. I can’t.

 To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so. Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going. I can’t.

 Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going. I can’t.

 Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going. I can’t. Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs. Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.

 I can’t. Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs. Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.

 Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs. Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.

 Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs. Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax. Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his. I would think he would know that.

 Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax. Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his. I would think he would know that.

 Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’re more concerned about your own well-being than his. I would think he would know that.

 Yeah, I’m saying, it’d be easier to lift a car. What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable. So, how is she? They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.

 What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable. So, how is she? They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.

 So, how is she? They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.

 They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.

 So, how is she? They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event. What’s the difference? A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.

 They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event. What’s the difference? A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.

 What’s the difference? A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.

 What’s the difference? A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack. Thanks for clearing that up. Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.

 A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack. Thanks for clearing that up. Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.

 Thanks for clearing that up. Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.

 Thanks for clearing that up. Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital. Okay, you’re not helping. Disagree.

 Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital. Okay, you’re not helping. Disagree.

 No, I do not. You are a mean little man. You’d think it’d be because my parents didn’t love me, but actually they loved me a great deal. Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways. How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?

 You’d think it’d be because my parents didn’t love me, but actually they loved me a great deal. Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways. How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?

 Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways. How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?

 How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?

 Bernie, it’s not you. She’s just set in her ways. How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother? It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you. Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.

 How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother? It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you. Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.

 It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you. Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.

 It’s the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you. Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home. What’s wrong with the bathroom here? Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.

 Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home. What’s wrong with the bathroom here? Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.

 What’s wrong with the bathroom here? Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.

 What’s wrong with the bathroom here? Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses. Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home. Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?

 Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses. Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home. Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?

 Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I’m not taking you home. Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?

 He takes the elf from off the shelf. Hell Hounds. Hell Hounds. Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who? Colossal Serpent.

 Hell Hounds. Hell Hounds. Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who? Colossal Serpent.

 Hell Hounds. Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who? Colossal Serpent.

 Hell Hounds. Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who? Who-who? Colossal Serpent. I got a colossal serpent right here. Must you?

 Colossal Serpent. I got a colossal serpent right here. Must you?

 Okay, Priya? Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me? Oh, no, no, no, he doesn’t. Why not?

 Uh, I’ll have the Shepherd’s Pie. You want to split that with me? Oh, no, no, no, he doesn’t. Why not?

 So, no, on the Shepherd’s Pie. Can we move on? Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it. Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass. You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

 Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yoghurt. Do not believe it. Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass. You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

 Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass. You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

 You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.

 Sea bass. I’ll have the sea bass. You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty. Kill me. It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

 You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty. Kill me. It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

 Kill me. It wouldn’help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

 Guys, sorry I’m late. I have amazing news. Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system? So, what’s your news, Bernadette? The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

 Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard’s faulty digestive system? So, what’s your news, Bernadette? The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

 So, what’s your news, Bernadette? The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

 The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I’m getting my PhD.

 Oh, congratulations. Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors. Congratulations, honey. Thank you.

 Wow, so that means you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, you’re a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors. Congratulations, honey. Thank you.

 I don’t know, she’s pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy. Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!

 It’s indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology. Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction. I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck? It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

 Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction. I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck? It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

 I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck? It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.

 I’ll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck? It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick. Have you considered massage? I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

 It’s a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload. Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick. Have you considered massage? I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

 Have you considered massage? I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.

 Have you considered massage? I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it. I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

 I’d like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it. I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

 I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

 I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands. Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching. Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right.

 Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching. Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right.

 Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right.

 Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. All right. Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating.

 All right. Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating.

 Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating.

 Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so. Rotating. You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point?

 Rotating. You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point?

 You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point?

 You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone. You mean the myofascial point? Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well. Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

 You mean the myofascial point? Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well. Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

 Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well. Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic!

 Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I’ve never been touched like this before! Oh! Oh, my hands are magic! Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you. There’s someone at my door. That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

 Don’t flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you. There’s someone at my door. That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye.

 There’s someone at my door. That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye. Can I sleep here tonight? Why?

 That doesn’t interest me. Goodbye. Can I sleep here tonight? Why?

 Can I sleep here tonight? Why? Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister. I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

 Why? Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister. I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

 Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister. I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch.

 Leonard’s having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister. I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch. Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room. No, I can’t authorize that.

 I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in. I’ll get the sheets and blankets for the couch. Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room. No, I can’t authorize that.

 Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room. No, I can’t authorize that.

 Oh, don’t bother. I’ll just sleep in Leonard’s room. No, I can’t authorize that. Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his? The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.

 No, I can’t authorize that. Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his? The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.

 Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his? The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed.

 Well, he’s in my bed. Why can’t I be in his? The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed. Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

 The Hammurabic Code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed. Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

 Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.

 Come on, dude, I’m exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night’s sleep. All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression. Good night, Sheldon. Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

 All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard’s bedroom. Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression. Good night, Sheldon. Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

 Good night, Sheldon. Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.

 Why? If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline. He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

 If you’re gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline. He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

 He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

 Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.

 He’s right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career. Until you have kids. Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

 Yeah, ha-ha. First of all, I’m not threatened by my fiancée’s success. I’m proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career. Until you have kids. Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

 Until you have kids. Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while.

 Until you have kids. Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while. When did you take my blood? Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

 Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You’re okay to stay for a while. When did you take my blood? Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

 When did you take my blood? Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.

 When did you take my blood? Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over. What the hell is this? Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

 Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I’d follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over. What the hell is this? Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

 What the hell is this? Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest. And a living will and durable power of attorney.

 This says you can make end of life decisions for me. As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign. Did you sign this? There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

 As your friend, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Please sign. Did you sign this? There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

 Did you sign this? There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

 There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.

 Did you sign this? There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too. Well, that seems fair. Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

 There’s a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too. Well, that seems fair. Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

 Well, that seems fair. Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here’s your I.D. Card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.

 Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase. Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights. No backsies.

 Also, you’re tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You’ll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here’s the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights. No backsies.

 What is this? This is the difference between eating and dining. Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years. It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

 This is the difference between eating and dining. Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years. It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

 Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years. It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

 It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.

 Remarkable. I’m just realizing how much Leonard’s been skating by all these years. It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart. Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again? Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.

 It’s not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart. Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again? Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.

 Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again? Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces.

 Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again? Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces. Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread? My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

 Yes, it’s “Penny, get your own Wi-Fi.” No spaces. Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread? My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

 Thanks. Wow! What’s with the fancy spread? My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. (Pointing to lapel badge) Uh, nice touch, by the way.

 What do you mean, new roommate? What happened to Leonard? The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species. I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong. All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?

 The same thing that happened to Homo Erectus. He was replaced by a superior species. I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong. All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?

 I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong. All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard?

 I’m the new Homo in town. That came out wrong. All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard? He’s living at my place, so I’m living here. You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

 All right, let me try this again. Where’s Leonard? He’s living at my place, so I’m living here. You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

 He’s living at my place, so I’m living here. You’re living here provisionally. But I must say it’s looking good.

 You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost? Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.

 Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.

 Oh, no, no, no. I’ve had way too much already. Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol. Hit me. Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

 Here’s an interesting fact about alcohol. Hit me. Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

 Hit me. Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

 Hit me. Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks. Monkeys. When does a monkey have a trunk?

 Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint, sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks. Monkeys. When does a monkey have a trunk?

 What? I said, what are you doing here? I live here. I have paperwork that says differently.

 I said, what are you doing here? I live here. I have paperwork that says differently.

 I live here. I have paperwork that says differently. Priya’s going back to India. Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

 I have paperwork that says differently. Priya’s going back to India. Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

 Priya’s going back to India. Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here?

 Priya’s going back to India. Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here? I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette. Why?

 Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you’re not going to ruin it. (Knock on door) What are you doing here? I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette. Why?

 I’ve been up all night. I had a fight with Bernadette. Why? She gave me a beautiful watch. Leonard, do you understand this?

 Why? She gave me a beautiful watch. Leonard, do you understand this?

 She gave me a beautiful watch. Leonard, do you understand this?

 What are you grinding about? Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like. Just let it go, Sheldon. If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.

 Penny’s brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is dishevelled, and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue, it’s not what it looks like. Just let it go, Sheldon. If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.

 Just let it go, Sheldon. If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend.

 Just let it go, Sheldon. If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend. They slept together, Sherlock. No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.

 If I could, I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that’s what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let’s put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third World hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. Mm-hmm. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj’s anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That’s a true blue friend. They slept together, Sherlock. No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.

 They slept together, Sherlock. No, you weren’t listening. She said, it’s not what it looks like.

 Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

 Hey. Hey. Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

 Hey. Hey. Leonard, is it awkward for you knowing that one of your dear friends had sexual intercourse with a woman you used to love in the very place you lay your head?

 Yeah, right. You’re just jealous because it turns out I’m Penny’s number two choice after Leonard. Hey, if I wasn’t engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me. Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals. Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.

 Hey, if I wasn’t engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me. Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals. Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.

 Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals. Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.

 Why do you care so much? You’re dating my sister, and Penny and I are in love.

 Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee. I’m sorry. What? Rubbish. He’s talking rubbish. Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.

 I’m sorry. What? Rubbish. He’s talking rubbish. Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.

 Rubbish. He’s talking rubbish. Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.

 You know, I’ve done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants. You can’t blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex. You know what? Let’s get out of here. Where are we going?

 You can’t blame yourself. When your prefrontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with the needed flood of dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex. You know what? Let’s get out of here. Where are we going?

 Nope. Sounds Gop Rop E A Top. Yeah, I’m gonna go pack a bag. No, you’re not. You’re gonna Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop.

 Yeah, I’m gonna go pack a bag. No, you’re not. You’re gonna Pop A Cop Kop A Bop A Gop.

 Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball? Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you. I’m not in the mood, Sheldon. Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)

 Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you. I’m not in the mood, Sheldon. Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)

 I’m not in the mood, Sheldon. Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen)

 Oh, there you are. Leonard, I know you’re upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help. (Showing laptop screen) I don’t want to talk to Amy. No, it’s not Amy. Hello, dear.

 Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee. Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor. You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it? Fine with me.

 Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor. You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it? Fine with me.

 You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it? Fine with me.

 You know what, guys, I’m not in the mood for paintball. What do you say we just bag it? Fine with me. Sure, whatever. You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.

 Fine with me. Sure, whatever. You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.

 Sure, whatever. You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit.

 Sure, whatever. You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit. Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games. This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?

 You can’t quit. That’s a court-martial offence. That’s punishable by… You can’t quit. Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games. This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?

 Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games. This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game?

 Sorry, Sheldon, it’s just not a good time for playing games. This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game? Yes, no and no. Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.

 This is a game to you? Uh, was the Battle of Antietam a game? Huh? Was the sack of Rome a game? Yes, no and no. Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.

 Yes, no and no. Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing.

 Yes, no and no. Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing. Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home. No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.

 Wait. I just want you all to know that I forgive you. This mutiny isn’t your fault, it’s mine. I haven’t earned these bars. Although what I lack in leadership, apparently I more than make up for in sewing. Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home. No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.

 Let it go, Sheldon. I’ll get you a Jamba Juice on the way home. No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be.

 No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. And that’s what we’re going to be. What are you doing? Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets) Damn those sons of bitches!

 What are you doing? Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets) Damn those sons of bitches!

 Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo. (Walks outside) Geology isn’t a real science! (Gets hit by countless paintball pellets) Damn those sons of bitches!

 Let’s get ’em! If there’s ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. Ow!

 Yeah. What are you going to do in Nebraska? I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello? Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.

 What are you going to do in Nebraska? I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello? Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.

 I don’t know, maybe teach acting. (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. Hold on. Hello? Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.

 Penny, Penny, listen, I hope you’re not doing this ’cause of you and me, because I have a girlfriend, and you’re a single woman.

 Oh, uh, Priya’s calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date. It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner? Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast. All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?

 It’s eight o’clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner? Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast. All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?

 Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast. All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?

 Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast. All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night? That doesn’t sound like mocking. You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?

 All right, so technically it’s not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you’d open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night? That doesn’t sound like mocking. You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?

 That doesn’t sound like mocking. You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles?

 That doesn’t sound like mocking. You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles? I don’t know. Why? Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

 You didn’t let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Are those soy-based candles? I don’t know. Why? Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

 I don’t know. Why? Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

 I don’t know. Why? Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so… Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.

 Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes). Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so… Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.

 Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so… Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.

 Listen, I don’t want to be rude, but Priya’s gonna be calling any minute, so… Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs. Yes, I’ve always admired that about you. As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.

 Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs. Yes, I’ve always admired that about you. As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.

 Yes, I’ve always admired that about you. As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here.

 Yes, I’ve always admired that about you. As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here. Oh, good. Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.

 As well you should. But I’m going to make an exception here. Oh, good. Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.

 Oh, good. Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.

 Oh, good. Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby. A hobby? Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

 Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby. A hobby? Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

 A hobby? Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

 A hobby? Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money. You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you. When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

 Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money. You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you. When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

 You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you. When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

 You know, some people might say that it’s great that we’re trying to make things work long distance. They’d say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you. When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized. You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different? Don’t you like Amy?

 When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized. You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different? Don’t you like Amy?

 You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different? Don’t you like Amy?

 Oh, I miss you, too. I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

 Oh, it’s no problem. It’s actually kind of nice. You reading, me reading. We’re like an old married couple. If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles. I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles. A good wife would go to the store.

 If we were an old married couple, the wife would serve iced tea and snickerdoodles. I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles. A good wife would go to the store.

 I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles. A good wife would go to the store.

 I don’t have iced tea and snickerdoodles. A good wife would go to the store. I want a divorce. Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

 A good wife would go to the store. I want a divorce. Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

 I want a divorce. Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair.

 I want a divorce. Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair. It’s great, isn’t it? It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.

 Good. On the way to see the lawyer, pick up some tea and cookies. I must say, I am enjoying your new chair. It’s great, isn’t it? It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.

 It’s great, isn’t it? It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name.

 It’s great, isn’t it? It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name. What name? Chair.

 It is. Aligns the lumbar, cradles the coccyx, balances the buttocks. This is a chair worthy of the name. What name? Chair.

 Oh, all right, well, I’m glad you like it. I mean, I still can’t get over the fact someone just threw it away. What? Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)

 What? Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)

 Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing)

 Yeah, it was just sitting on the street. I paid a homeless guy ten bucks to help me get it up here. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing) What is wrong? I’ve been sitting in garbage!

 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (Starts stripping off clothing) What is wrong? I’ve been sitting in garbage!

 What is wrong? I’ve been sitting in garbage! Sheldon, take it easy. You take it easy! I need to use your shower.

 I’ve been sitting in garbage! Sheldon, take it easy. You take it easy! I need to use your shower.

 Sheldon, take it easy. You take it easy! I need to use your shower.

 Oh, come on, tell me I’m wrong. Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice. I did it last night, I’m not doing it again. Just his head, right?

 Oh, Leonard, good. There you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice. I did it last night, I’m not doing it again. Just his head, right?

 I did it last night, I’m not doing it again. Just his head, right?

 I did it last night, I’m not doing it again. Just his head, right? I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair. Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

 Just his head, right? I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair. Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

 I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair. Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.

 I don’t want to talk about it. You didn’t catch bugs from Penny’s chair. Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest. Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion. Name one time I’ve ever done that.

 Yes, I did. And now they’re cavorting at the base of my hair follicles like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest. Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion. Name one time I’ve ever done that.

 Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion. Name one time I’ve ever done that.

 How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely-shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you’d started growing again. I said, name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

 Yello. You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard. Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions. Really?

 You need to remove that chair from the building. It’s a health hazard. Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions. Really?

 Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions. Really?

 Okay, relax. I took off the slipcovers, had them dry-cleaned and then fumigated the cushions. Really? Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there. It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.

 Really? Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there. It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.

 Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there. It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring.

 Yeah. It’s cleaner than my couch. Found half a Hot Pocket in there. It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring. Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon? All right. It is a comfortable chair.

 It certainly looks okay. Has a strong toxic chemical smell. That’s reassuring. Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon? All right. It is a comfortable chair.

 Why don’t you give it a try, Sheldon? All right. It is a comfortable chair.

 Why don’t you just admit you overreacted? No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment. It’s like living with a Chihuahua. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 No, thank you. (Sees insect. More appear and swarm all over him. He jumps out of a daydream on his own couch. Jumps up and runs out to Penny’s apartment. It’s like living with a Chihuahua. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 It’s like living with a Chihuahua. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 It’s like living with a Chihuahua. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What’s up, buttercup? You have to get rid of the chair.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What’s up, buttercup? You have to get rid of the chair.

 What’s up, buttercup? You have to get rid of the chair. Nope. (Closes door)  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 You have to get rid of the chair. Nope. (Closes door)  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Nope. (Closes door)  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Nope. (Closes door)  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What’s the word, hummingbird? For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. What’s the word, hummingbird? For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.

 What’s the word, hummingbird? For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death.

 What’s the word, hummingbird? For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death. No. (Closes door) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 For your safety, please wait in my apartment as I call the authorities so they may remove the chair of death. No. (Closes door) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 No. (Closes door) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 If your video’s frozen, try resetting the TCP/IP stack. Oh! I didn’t even think of that. Thanks. You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

 Oh! I didn’t even think of that. Thanks. You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

 You’re welcome. Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I’m trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

 Five, six, seven, eight. Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes… (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder? Is not. Is not, is not.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder? Is not. Is not, is not.

 Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder? Is not. Is not, is not.

 Oh… You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behaviour is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder? Is not. Is not, is not. Denial. Denial, denial. Come in. Thank you.

 Is not. Is not, is not. Denial. Denial, denial. Come in. Thank you.

 Denial. Denial, denial. Come in. Thank you. Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp? No.

 Thank you. Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp? No.

 Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp? No.

 Would you like to hear me play a bossa nova standard on the harp? No. How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat… No.

 No. How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat… No.

 How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat… No.

 How about the theme song to the classic television show Diff’rent Strokes? Now the world don’t move to the beat… No. Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up? You’re good friends with Penny, right?

 No. Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up? You’re good friends with Penny, right?

 Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up? You’re good friends with Penny, right?

 Well, that’s every song I know. What’s up? You’re good friends with Penny, right? Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on. I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

 You’re good friends with Penny, right? Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on. I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

 Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on. I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.

 Best friends, besties, BFFs, peas in a pod, sisters who would share travelling pants. Go on. I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture. For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera? Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.

 I was hoping she might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture. For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera? Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.

 For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera? Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me.

 For general educational purposes, or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera? Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me. Yes, I am. Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

 Cholera is water-borne. You’re mocking me. Yes, I am. Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

 Yes, I am. Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building.

 Yes, I am. Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building. Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate. All right, name your price.

 Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident in our building. Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate. All right, name your price.

 Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate. All right, name your price.

 Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn’t mean I have to participate. All right, name your price. Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before. You mean like Salt Lake City?

 All right, name your price. Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before. You mean like Salt Lake City?

 Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before. You mean like Salt Lake City?

 Kiss me where I’ve never been kissed before. You mean like Salt Lake City? Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny. Thank you.

 You mean like Salt Lake City? Never mind. I’ll talk to Penny. Thank you.

 Three! What kind of idiot throws away a terrific chair like this?

 I’ve seen pictures of your mother, keep eating. All right, honey, if we’re gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her. It’s okay if he wants to come. Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.

 All right, honey, if we’re gonna make the movie, we should go. (Raj stands) This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say honey, I mean my fiancée. (Raj whispers to him) Yeah, well, now it means her. It’s okay if he wants to come. Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.

 It’s okay if he wants to come. Fine. But next time, we get a sitter.

 It’s okay if he wants to come. Fine. But next time, we get a sitter. All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you. Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?

 Fine. But next time, we get a sitter. All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you. Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?

 All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you. Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory?

 All right, I got to go to work. I’ll walk down with you. Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory? Neither of them are close. Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.

 Wait. Uh, which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theatre or the Cheesecake Factory? Neither of them are close. Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.

 Neither of them are close. Oh, well, then I guess it doesn’t matter which one of you drives me. Let’s play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer’s type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.

 Well, most recently my gynaecologist. Well, you stay as long as you’d like. I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.

 Well, you stay as long as you’d like. I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.

 I’m glad to hear you say that, because I’m having a wonderful time. Hmm, I said the same thing to my gynaecologist.

 Why would I keep clothes at your mother’s house? Well, don’t think of it that way. Once we move in, it’ll be our house. Is she moving out? Why would she move out? It’s her house.

 Well, don’t think of it that way. Once we move in, it’ll be our house. Is she moving out? Why would she move out? It’s her house.

 Raj, take me home. Don’t listen to her. Go to the movie theatre. Take me home now. Movie theatre.

 Don’t listen to her. Go to the movie theatre. Take me home now. Movie theatre.

 If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was my mother. Aw. Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom. Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.

 Aw. Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom. Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.

 Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom. Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.

 Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.

 Dear Amy, self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun. Love, Mom. Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again. Rough night, Casey Jones? You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.

 Well, you can add Jerry’s Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again. Rough night, Casey Jones? You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.

 Rough night, Casey Jones? You don’t know the half of it. It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes. But it was actually a set-up to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.

 Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard. We should do this again sometime. Ah, sure. That’d be nice. Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department. Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?

 Ah, sure. That’d be nice. Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department. Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?

 Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department. Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon?

 Glad to hear it. I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr. Moranelli and Dr. Gustufson this Friday. They’re kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department. Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon? I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time. Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.

 Wouldn’t you rather bring Sheldon? I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time. Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.

 I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster. He behaved like a child the entire time. Not my fault. You said there’d be other scientists there my age.

 Not without cutting his head open, no. How about making my eyes like Cleopatra? Really? For a wedding? Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them. Ready.

 Really? For a wedding? Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them. Ready.

 Perhaps you’re right. My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain hello sailor quality to them. Ready.

 Oh, sweetie, guests don’t normally wear corsages to a wedding. That’s more of a prom thing. I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs. Put the corsage on her. Amy, this is for you.

 I never went to my prom. My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs. Put the corsage on her. Amy, this is for you.

 So, um, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy? No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.

 No. I’ll let him have tonight. Then in the morning, I’ll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland. I mean, frankly, you’ve got a better shot than he does.

 Sounds like you had a great night. I did. How was yours? Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that?

 I did. How was yours? Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that?

 Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that?

 Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would. What exactly do you mean by that? Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that? To send a message. She is not for you.

 What exactly do you mean by that? Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that? To send a message. She is not for you.

 Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin’s a little worse for wear. (Sheldon hits him) Ow! Why did you do that? To send a message. She is not for you.

 If you want butter, I’ll get you butter. Well, I guess I’ll cut these by myself.

 Hey, how go the wedding plans, Howard? Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy’s registering for gifts. Looks like I’m finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I’ve always wanted. See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

 Great. We spent five hours last night at Macy’s registering for gifts. Looks like I’m finally going to have that darling little earthenware asparagus dish I’ve always wanted. See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

 See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

 You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower?

 See, this is the good thing about having a girlfriend 9,000 miles away. I can spend my nights doing whatever I want. You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower? Maybe. We enter the dungeon. You see a dragon.

 You mean like playing nerd games with us and then taking a suspiciously long shower? Maybe. We enter the dungeon. You see a dragon.

 No, it’s just that everybody’s got someone. Sheldon’s with Amy, Howard’s getting married, you’re dating my sister. Now that Howard’s getting married, maybe he’ll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you. You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas. Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.

 Now that Howard’s getting married, maybe he’ll inflate one of his old girlfriends for you. You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas. Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.

 You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas. Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas.

 You know who I blame for my loneliness? The United States of America. Your movies and your TV shows promised streets paved with beautiful blonde women with big bazongas. Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas. That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips. Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.

 Eat another pie, you’ll have your own bazongas. That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips. Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.

 That’s cruel. You know it goes straight to my hips. Gentlemen, please focus. You’re facing a fire-breathing dragon.

 Well, hello? She’s married. Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he’s in the placebo group. Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.

 Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he’s in the placebo group. Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.

 Are we ready to order? One moment. I’m conducting an experiment. With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.

 One moment. I’m conducting an experiment. With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.

 With Dungeons and Dragons dice? Yes. From here on in, I’ve decided to make all trivial decisions with a throw of the dice, thus freeing up my mind to do what it does best, enlighten and amaze. Page 14, item seven.

 So, what’s for dinner? A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting. Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

 A side of corn succotash. Hmm. Interesting. Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

 Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

 Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats.

 Um, Howard, can I see you for a minute, please? Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please. Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.

 Uh, I don’t want to show any more of your friends how I can fit in the booster seats. Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please. Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.

 Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please. Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas.

 Uh, no, that’s not it. Just come with me, please. Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Do you really want that? That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

 Let’s see what I’ll be washing that succotash down with. A pitcher of margaritas. Do you really want that? That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

 Do you really want that? That’s the great thing. It doesn’t matter. My mind is freed up to think about more important things.

 Does she really mean that or was she signing it sarcastically? Raj says it’s nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together. Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe. He’ll text you.

 Raj says it’s nice to meet you, too. She says she has to go back to her family, but Penny has her number if you want to text her and get together. Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe. He’ll text you.

 Okay, I’m going to play it cool. Tell her, maybe. Whatever, babe. He’ll text you.

 It might’ve been on your lips, but it was my kiss. Oh, fine. Let’s agree she kissed both of us. Okay.

 Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon. Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Why are you still doing this? Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

 Don’t thank me. Thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave. Why are you still doing this? Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

 Why are you still doing this? Because it’s working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I’ve co-authored two papers in notable peer-reviewed journals, and I’m close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.

 You’re kidding. You think she’s taking advantage of him? Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf. Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?

 You think she’s taking advantage of him? Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf. Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?

 Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf. Deaf women can’t be gold diggers?

 Oh, of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that. She’s deaf. Deaf women can’t be gold diggers? Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that. Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

 Deaf women can’t be gold diggers? Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that. Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

 Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that. Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.

 Handicapped people are nice, Leonard. Everyone knows that. Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. Could you tell us? Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

 Yeah, I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. Could you tell us? Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

 Could you tell us? Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

 Could you tell us? Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud. Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again. Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

 Let’s see. (Rolls dice) Snake eyes. Sorry, bud. Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again. Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

 Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again. Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

 Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again. Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy. What do you mean, vastly wealthy? Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.

 Okay, get this. It doesn’t matter if he’s showering her with gifts, because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy. What do you mean, vastly wealthy? Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.

 What do you mean, vastly wealthy? Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up.

 What do you mean, vastly wealthy? Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up. Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much. No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.

 Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I’m not sure what’s tripping you up. Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much. No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.

 Look, I know they have money. I don’t think it’s that much. No, you’re wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren’t just rich, they’re Richie Rich rich.

 Listen, guys, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to go call Raj’s sister, who I love so much. So vastly much. Okay, so he’s got money, and it’s a few gifts and a car. And she got him to pay off all her credit cards. What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

 Okay, so he’s got money, and it’s a few gifts and a car. And she got him to pay off all her credit cards. What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

 And she got him to pay off all her credit cards. What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

 What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could’ve dated Raj for a couple months. But I, I wouldn’t have, because I’m not that kind of girl. We should really talk to Raj.

 What? No! Look, Penny, you’re great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.

 Look, Penny, you’re great, but I had a long talk with my parents, and they said if I date an Indian girl, I get a Maserati.

 Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds. Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks. Here you go, boys. I’ll pick it up when you’re ready. Thanks for dinner, buddy.

 Should I use the rest room or wait until we get home? Come on, papa needs to void his bladder. Oh, that’s not what you want to see after three buttermilks. Here you go, boys. I’ll pick it up when you’re ready. Thanks for dinner, buddy.

 Here you go, boys. I’ll pick it up when you’re ready. Thanks for dinner, buddy.

 Yeah, real big of you. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now.

 Hurry, hurry, hurry. Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now.

 Oh, and don’t cheap out on the tip. We all know you’re loaded now.

 It’s from Game of Thrones. What do you think? I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with? What did you have in mind? Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.

 I don’t know. If we’re going to start a fantasy sword collection, and I’ve long thought we should, is this really the sword to start with? What did you have in mind? Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.

 What did you have in mind? Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England.

 What did you have in mind? Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England. It would be a replica of a movie prop. Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.

 Well, off the top of my head, I’d have to go with Excalibur. It gives you the right to rule England. It would be a replica of a movie prop. Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.

 It would be a replica of a movie prop. Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England.

 It would be a replica of a movie prop. Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England. Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do? Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

 Fair enough. It’d give you the right to rule a replica of England. Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do? Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

 Well, they don’t have an Excalibur here, so what do you want to do? Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop?

 Mm. Tough decision. There’s no weaponry from Lord of the Rings, forged in a Chinese sweatshop? Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there. Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it. Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.

 Just Bilbo Baggins’ sword over there. Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it. Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.

 Two grown men with a hobbit’s dagger; wouldn’t we look silly? Okay, let’s go for it. Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.

 Okay? It’s magnificent. Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it? Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250? Oh, that’s pretty steep.

 Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it? Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250? Oh, that’s pretty steep.

 Oh, it’s hard to put a price on something that’s a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let’s say 250? Oh, that’s pretty steep.

 Oh, that’s pretty steep. Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys. Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better?

 Well, it’s a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys. Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better?

 Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better?

 Only 8,000? We’re wasting precious time. Buy it. Hang on. Can you do any better? Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount. Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.

 Hang on. Can you do any better? Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount. Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.

 Are you kidding? I’m already giving you the friends and family discount. Oh, did you hear that? We’re getting the friends and family discount. We are honoured and we will take it.

 What are you doing? Two fifty is already the discounted price. Will you shut up? Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five. Nope. Maybe another time.

 Will you shut up? Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five. Nope. Maybe another time.

 Tell you what, I’ll go two thirty-five. Nope. Maybe another time.

 Nope. Maybe another time. Okay, two twenty five, my final offer. Take it, take it. Two hundred.

 Okay, two twenty five, my final offer. Take it, take it. Two hundred.

 Take it, take it. Two hundred. Man, you’re killing me! Killing you? I can’t breathe.

 Two hundred. Man, you’re killing me! Killing you? I can’t breathe.

 So? Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning! Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten. Thank you. I can eat meat this week.

 Okay, if you’re going to question the importance of an actor’s signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning! Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten. Thank you. I can eat meat this week.

 Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten. Thank you. I can eat meat this week.

 I’ve long said, what you lack in academic knowledge you make up for in street smarts. You want me to wrap it? No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest. Hey, Stuart.

 You want me to wrap it? No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest. Hey, Stuart.

 No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest. Hey, Stuart.

 No, it’s okay. I’m gonna stab my friend in the chest. Hey, Stuart. Ah, hey, Wil. Hello, Wil Wheaton.

 Ah, hey, Wil. Hello, Wil Wheaton. Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword. It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?

 Hello, Wil Wheaton. Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword. It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?

 Hi, Sheldon. Nice sword. It’s part of my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?

 I’m not surprised. Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted. Awesome. What do I owe you? Forty bucks.

 Here’s the Batman 612 with the Jim Lee alternate cover that you wanted. Awesome. What do I owe you? Forty bucks.

 Yeah, of course. ‘Cause there wasn’t last time. There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by. Thank you.

 ‘Cause there wasn’t last time. There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by. Thank you.

 There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by. Thank you.

 There will be girls. You guys are invited if you want to come by. Thank you. All right, great. Later. I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

 Thank you. All right, great. Later. I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

 All right, great. Later. I see what you’re doing. You accept an invitation to a party at the home of my sworn enemy, he tells everyone we’re going to be there, and when we don’t show, he looks the fool. Fiendishly clever.

 And then declaring the party a fiasco and storming out, leaving him humiliated in front of his guests. Love it. No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time. Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.

 No, I was gonna grab Raj and Howard and have a good time. Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.

 Oh, great, more guys. It’s gonna be another Wil Wheaton sausage-fest.

 Sheldon, can you grab me a water? Possibly. Can you or can’t you? It’s not that simple, Leonard.

 Can you or can’t you? It’s not that simple, Leonard. It never is, is it? At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.

 It’s not that simple, Leonard. It never is, is it? At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.

 It never is, is it? At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship.

 It never is, is it? At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship. Got it. Can I have my water? Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.

 At this moment, our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton’s party, you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I’m characterizing this phenomenon as Schrodinger’s Friendship. Got it. Can I have my water? Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.

 Got it. Can I have my water? Of course. Now get it yourself, you traitor.

 Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You’re the whole package, aren’t you? Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring. Wow. Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!

 Sorry I’m late. Uh, I got great news. NASA picked my team’s design for the deep field space telescope that’s going on the International Space Station this spring. Wow. Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations!

 Wow. Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations! It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is. Mohammed Lee.

 Howie, that’s wonderful! Congratulations! It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is. Mohammed Lee.

 It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is. Mohammed Lee.

 Oh, well, it’s really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you out to Kazakhstan, and then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket which shoots you into a low earth orbit. Or just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market. Are those Russian rockets safe? Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl. I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.

 Are those Russian rockets safe? Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl. I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.

 Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl. I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.

 I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you.

 Well, I mean, safe as it can be when it was built by the good folks who brought you Chernobyl. I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you. Cheers. That was a lovely toast. Kudos.

 I’d like to propose a toast. The dream to go up into space is one we all share, and Howard’s making that a reality. We’re all very proud of you. Cheers. That was a lovely toast. Kudos.

 Howard, my father was a police officer. We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive. It was horrible. And I don’t want to live that way with you. Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again. Oh, boo-hoo, you’re not going to space!

 Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11. We never saw him again. Oh, boo-hoo, you’re not going to space!

 I don’t understand. What differences does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton’s party? Wil Wheaton is Sheldon’s mortal enemy. Mortal enemy? Mm-hmm.

 Mortal enemy? Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

 Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

 Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

 Sheldon, I know you’re a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but, you really have a mortal enemy? In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list? Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no. You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

 In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list? Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no. You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

 Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no. You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy.

 You just got off the list. Would you like back on it? This’ll just take a moment. It’s on a five and a quarter inch floppy. A floppy disk? Well, I started the list when I was nine. How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?

 A floppy disk? Well, I started the list when I was nine. How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?

 Well, I started the list when I was nine. How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?

 Wait, let me see if I got this right. You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle of the night? What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me. Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star. Little bit.

 What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me. Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star. Little bit.

 Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star. Little bit.

 Wow. You’re not only our first astronaut. You’re also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed. You’re like a rock star. Little bit. I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you. Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.

 Little bit. I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you. Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.

 I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you. Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself.

 I hate to say it, but she did kind of betray you. Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself. Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you. Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.

 Interesting. You see betrayal in others, but not yourself. Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you. Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.

 Going to Wheaton’s party is not betraying you. Oh, of course you would have to believe that. Evil always thinks it’s doing right. Excuse me, Stormtrooper. These are the droids you’re looking for.

 I do, with all my heart. Got it. Just had to check. He’s great.

 All right, Sheldon, we’re going to Wil’s. This is your last chance. No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers. You want to drive? Sure.

 No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you’re going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers. You want to drive? Sure.

 You want to drive? Sure. Hey, Sheldon? Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me.

 Hey, Sheldon? Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me. No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party. Brent Spiner?

 Oh, good. You picked me, you picked me. No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party. Brent Spiner?

 No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party. Brent Spiner?

 No, I just got a text from Stuart. Brent Spiner is at the party. Brent Spiner? Yes. I don’t care.

 Yes. I don’t care. Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him. I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

 I don’t care. Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him. I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

 Really? Brent Spiner, Mr. Data himself. You love him. I did, but I think I’ve kind of outgrown Star Trek. You know, stock characters, ludicrous plots, beam me up. What a load of hooey.

 Yeah. Well, I just met her gynaecologist! What are you doing here? Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.

 Well, I just met her gynaecologist! What are you doing here? Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.

 What are you doing here? Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home.

 What are you doing here? Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home. Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like. What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

 Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be, you’re still my little buddy. I’m not going to let that end here tonight. Now put down that drink, let’s meet Brent Spiner and go home. Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like. What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’m so glad you made it. I found something I think you might like. What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely.

 What I’d like is for him to have a more depressing home. This is quite lovely. This is for you. An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.

 This is for you. An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.

 An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.

 I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up.

 An original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up. Look at what I wrote. To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.

 I remembered your story about the time you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed, and I didn’t show up. Look at what I wrote. To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Look at what I wrote. To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Look at what I wrote. To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton. It’s my last one. I want you to have it. Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!

 To Sheldon, sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton. It’s my last one. I want you to have it. Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!

 It’s my last one. I want you to have it. Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend!

 It’s my last one. I want you to have it. Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend! Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating? Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Look, everyone. Wil Wheaton is my friend! Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating? Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating? Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Oh, wow. I haven’t seen one of these in years. (Rips open action figure packaging) Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating? Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton. Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you? You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.

 Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend, Wil Wheaton. Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you? You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.

 Sorry, Slim. I’ve got some Mr. Data dolls in the trunk of my car. You want me to sign one for you? You’ve already signed something, Brent Spiner. Your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy.

 It’s called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you’d come with me, Sheldon. Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles. You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God. What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.

 Well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles. You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God. What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.

 You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God. What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask.

 You’re missing out. It’s gonna be wall-to-wall fun. It’s all themed. There’s Jonah and the Whale Watching, all-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet, and my personal favourite, Gunning with God. What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask. Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness. Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

 What’s Gunning with God? I’m afraid to ask. Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness. Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

 Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness. Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

 Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire ’em up in the air, and you pulverize them with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord’s forgiveness. Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge. For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam! The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.

 Frankly, Mom, I’m encouraged to see how advanced your group has become, willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge. For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam! The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.

 For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam! The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken.

 For example, if Shelly was aboard, he’d write “smart mouth” on his pigeon, and then bam! The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken. Sounds delicious. Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.

 The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away. Well, Mom, according to my itinerary for our weekend together, the fun begins with fried chicken. Sounds delicious. Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.

 Sounds delicious. Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin.

 Sounds delicious. Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin. Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook. Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

 Good, ’cause I got you everything you need to make it. You are in for a treat. My mother’s fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra large coffin. Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook. Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

 Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn’t want to cook. Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

 Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she’s too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you. Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon. Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me? All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.

 Actually, I wouldn’t mind going out for a bite, Sheldon. Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me? All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.

 Won’t that spoil our appetites for the chicken you’re going to make me? All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.

 All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street.

 All right, that settles it, we’re going out. Do you like sushi? There’s a great little place down the street. I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new. There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits. Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.

 I’ve never had it, but there’s no harm in trying something new. There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits. Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.

 There’s a lot of harm in trying something new. That’s why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits. Sheldon, you’re talking like a crazy person.

 Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine. Told you. Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

 Told you. Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

 Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

 This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route Four serves sushi, but it’s just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben’s. They put it on the menu in those kung fu letters, but that don’t make it sushi. Uh, kung fu letters might not be politically correct. Oh, I thought the one we couldn’t say was ching chong. Yeah, yeah, that, too.

 Uh, kung fu letters might not be politically correct. Oh, I thought the one we couldn’t say was ching chong. Yeah, yeah, that, too.

 Oh, I thought the one we couldn’t say was ching chong. Yeah, yeah, that, too.

 Do you have any idea what’s going on with those two? It’s kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll probably never know. But sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it. How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation? Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.

 It’s kind of like the Loch Ness monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll probably never know. But sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it. How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation? Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.

 How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you’re in some sort of a long distance situation? Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.

 Uh, yeah, it’s Raj’s sister. It’s kind of tough. She’s in India. Also, her parents aren’t happy she’s dating someone white.

 Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant. Please pester her. Please, for me.

 Your son seems to think we need to launch a pre-emptive strike on Burbank. Get them before they get us. Hey, look who decided to show up. Raj, what are you doing?

 Get them before they get us. Hey, look who decided to show up. Raj, what are you doing?

 Nothing, I’m fine. Are ya? No. (Bursts into tears) That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.

 Are ya? No. (Bursts into tears) That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.

 No. (Bursts into tears) That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you.

 No. (Bursts into tears) That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you. I’m so lonely. Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.

 That’s better. Now tell me what’s bothering you. I’m so lonely. Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.

 I’m so lonely. Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken.

 I’m so lonely. Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken. Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’? Offer them a hot beverage.

 Oh, yes, born alone, die alone. It’s a tragic human condition. Now, Raj, if you’ll excuse my mother, she’s about to make a pecan pie that’ll be so good I’ll almost forget how she blew it with the fried chicken. Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’? Offer them a hot beverage.

 Sheldon, your friend is hurtin’. What do we do when someone’s hurtin’? Offer them a hot beverage.

 Offer them a hot beverage. And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer? Coffee. And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.

 And when they’re drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer? Coffee. And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.

 Coffee. And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.

 And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies.

 Coffee. And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies. I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better. I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?

 And what do we do it with? (Sheldon fixes a large false smile.) Now you listen to me. I know you feel like you can’t find someone, but there’s a lock for every key. Back home, there’s a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she’d never find a man, then one day, wouldn’t ya know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed-race babies. I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better. I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?

 I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better. I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I?

 I didn’t get a lot of that because of your accent, but the general tone was soothing and somehow I feel better. I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I? You want some Oreos? Double Stuf?

 I’m not going to get my pecan pie, am I? You want some Oreos? Double Stuf?

 Well, this takes me back. Me doing your laundry, you next to me criticizing. It is nice, isn’t it? Mrs. Cooper. Hi! Oh, hello, darlin’.

 Good, good. I hear that Leonard has a new girlfriend. How are you doing with all that? Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there. Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)

 I hear that Leonard has a new girlfriend. How are you doing with all that? Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there. Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)

 Oh, fine. You know, it’s been a while. I’m getting back out there. Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)

 Let me ask you, when you get back out there, are you wearing this? (Holds up a skimpy top)

 Well, it’s super cute on. That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost. Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures. Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket? Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?

 Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures. Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket? Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?

 Hon, you think maybe the reason why you’re having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you’re letting them ride the roller coaster without buying a ticket? Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?

 Oh, they don’t always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups. Now I’m going out tonight. Would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I’m going to wear?

 So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station. Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I’ve got a good book you could read. Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist. I bet your mom is really proud of you.

 Oh, my word, a trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I’ve got a good book you could read. Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist. I bet your mom is really proud of you.

 Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist. I bet your mom is really proud of you.

 Thanks, but I watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year, so I get the gist. I bet your mom is really proud of you. Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still. I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.

 I bet your mom is really proud of you. Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still. I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.

 Nope. She says if I don’t back out she’s going to go on a hunger strike. It would take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still. I’ve got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I’m taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I’ve worked up a couple of Q’s that will stump his sorry A.

 What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate? Come on, Sheldon, we’ll take your mom to see the Hollywood sign, the wax museum, the Walk of Fame. Ooh, maybe a little Rodeo Drive. Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

 Come on, Sheldon, we’ll take your mom to see the Hollywood sign, the wax museum, the Walk of Fame. Ooh, maybe a little Rodeo Drive. Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

 Ooh, maybe a little Rodeo Drive. Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

 Well, I can’t spend twelve thousand dollars on a handbag, but it’s free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

 The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it. Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health? Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly. Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.

 Everything? Aren’t you worried about your health? Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly. Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.

 Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly. Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night.

 Oh, doctors are always changing their mind. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we’re not getting enough of it. Good morning, Shelly. Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night. Apology accepted. Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.

 Mom, I want to apologize for my behaviour last night. Apology accepted. Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.

 Apology accepted. Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts.

 Apology accepted. Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts. I am still going out with your friends. But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 Great. Now, you’re going to love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than 6,000 years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum Amazing Grace during those parts. I am still going out with your friends. But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 I am still going out with your friends. But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 I am still going out with your friends. But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong. Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us. I’m not going, and you can’t make me.

 But I apologized. And that was hard for me because I didn’t do anything wrong. Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us. I’m not going, and you can’t make me.

 Shelly, I hung out with you in enough dusty lecture halls while you were growing up. I want to go sightseeing. So why don’t you have some pancakes, get dressed and come with us. I’m not going, and you can’t make me.

 I’m not going, and you can’t make me. You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day. Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind. Well, then you are going to stand there all day.

 You’re right, I can’t. Have a nice day. Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind. Well, then you are going to stand there all day.

 Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind. Well, then you are going to stand there all day.

 Well, I’m going to stand here until you change your mind. Well, then you are going to stand there all day. I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there. I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.

 Well, then you are going to stand there all day. I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there. I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.

 I’m just gonna take my bacon grease and slide over there. I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me.

 I can’t believe my own mother is abandoning me. I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country. We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother. Well, I guess we are.

 I am not abandoning you. Sheldon, abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country. We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother. Well, I guess we are.

 We appear to be at a crossroads in our relationship, Mother. Well, I guess we are.

 All right, Mom. When you’re at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend the day with the world’s most wonderful son, believe it, because it’s true. (Grabs pancakes and snatches syrup from Leonard’s hand) I hadn’t…

 Are you getting sick? No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason. Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority? No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.

 No, I’m just allergic to people who get Nobel Prizes for no good reason. Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority? No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.

 Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority? No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh.

 Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness, is because your mother isn’t making you a priority? No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh. Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology. Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

 No. Or to use the clinical term, nuh-uh. Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology. Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

 Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology. Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys.

 Are you sure? The infant-mother pair-bond is the building block of primate psychology. Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else. Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

 Oh, there it is. It always comes back to monkeys with you. Just monkeys, monkeys, monkeys. Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else. Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

 Sheldon, we’re all animals. And granted, there are aspects of you that are extraordinary, but when it comes to emotions and relationships, you’re just like everybody else. Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

 You take notes, darlin’. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He’ll die at 50 but his love will be true. I need a tissue.This one got wet. Here. Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)

 I need a tissue.This one got wet. Here. Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)

 Here. Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes)

 Here. Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes) Sweetheart, are you sick? I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.

 Thank you. Yeah, I’ve learned something today. You and I, in so many ways, other than intelligence and what counts, we’re the same. (Sneezes) Sweetheart, are you sick? I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.

 Sweetheart, are you sick? I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living.

 Sweetheart, are you sick? I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living. Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed. Okay.

 I hope so, because if this is well, life isn’t worth living. Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed. Okay.

 Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed. Okay.

 Oh, sugarpie, you are burning up. We’ve got to get you to bed. Okay. Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby. And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.

 Okay. Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby. And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.

 Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby. And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people.

 Don’t worry. Mama’s here to take care of her baby. And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people. Of course. Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?

 And just to be clear, only her baby and not these other people. Of course. Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?

 Of course. Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off?

 Can I have tea with honey and toast with the crust cut off? You can have whatever you want. Thanks, Mom.You’re the best.

 Boy, last time I put VapoRub on you, you didn’t have hair on your chest. I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit. And whose fault was that? Yours.

 I know, it filled in last year. I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit. And whose fault was that? Yours.

 And whose fault was that? Yours. Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship. No, we don’t. The one we have works great.

 Yours. Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship. No, we don’t. The one we have works great.

 Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship. No, we don’t. The one we have works great.

 Shelly, you’re not eight years old any more. We have to have a different relationship. No, we don’t. The one we have works great. Sweetheart, you are a grown man. Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.

 No, we don’t. The one we have works great. Sweetheart, you are a grown man. Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.

 Sweetheart, you are a grown man. Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler.

 Or maybe I’m part of a new species, that lives for hundreds of years, which means I’m still basically a toddler. Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston. Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty? No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston. Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty? No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty? No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 Does this mean you’re not going to sing Soft Kitty? No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven? Get out!

 No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur… Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven? Get out!

 Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven? Get out!

 Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven? Get out! Well, that was rude. Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.

 Get out! Well, that was rude. Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.

 What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top. This is what I’m talking about. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 This is what I’m talking about. (Sings) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

 Sheldon, Sheldon. Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn. Sheldon. Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.

 Hmm. (Looks outside office door. Corridor lamp sparks and goes out. Corridor is bathed in an eerie glow) All right, all right. I see what’s going on. A little pre-Halloween hijinkery. A ghostly moan, a rattling of chains, a witch’s cackle. The trifecta of haunted house clichés. Instead of eek, I say yawn. Sheldon. Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.

 Sheldon. Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow.

 Sheldon. Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow. You should’ve seen your face. Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.

 Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution. (Reading message on wall) See you in hell Sheldon. The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma. (A luminous skeleton rushes towards him) Ah. Okay, all right. That one was clever. Skeleton with phosphorous on a zip line. Come on out, merry pranksters. Take a bow. You should’ve seen your face. Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.

 You should’ve seen your face. Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled.

 Yes, there’s nothing quite like the slightly widened eyes of mildly startled. Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon. Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask) He’s probably right.

 Come on, admit it. We got you, Sheldon. Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask) He’s probably right.

 Please, fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you, and able to anticipate your actions, it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me. (Leonard creeps out behind him wearing a Star Trek Balok mask) He’s probably right.

 Who had money on faints? I had pee his pants. Hang on. Looks like everyone’s a winner.

 No, I don’t think I picked her up. Besides, I have a girlfriend. Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.

 Doesn’t matter. This is the closest anyone’s ever come. You’re going on the wall, my friend.

 Nothing. It’s not suspicious that I’m fixating. It’s consistent with my personality. Right. Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?

 Right. Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?

 Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?

 More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?

 Hey, guys. More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday? Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.

 More Halloween candy? Didn’t you just buy a bunch of it yesterday? Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.

 Oh. Yeah. That’s gone. It’s a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time. Leonard doesn’t have time to chat, he has to get the mail.

 So, can I trade you my comic for the Hellboy? You can have my car.

 Good morning, Sheldon. It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples. You have a thing of paper clips right there. well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?

 It is, isn’t it? Oh, bother. Isn’t that just always the way? You go to staple something, and you’re out of staples. Gosh, I wish I’d known that earlier today when I was at Staples. You have a thing of paper clips right there. well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?

 You have a thing of paper clips right there. well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer?

 You have a thing of paper clips right there. well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer? I don’t know. Maybe. Be a lamb and check.

 well, no, no, I need something more permanent to join these papers. Say, don’t you keep staples in your top desk drawer? I don’t know. Maybe. Be a lamb and check.

 I don’t know. Maybe. Be a lamb and check. All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here? It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.

 Be a lamb and check. All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here? It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.

 All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here? It’s a snake. A terrifying snake.

 All right. (Opening drawer) Who do we have here? It’s a snake. A terrifying snake. Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer? Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.

 It’s a snake. A terrifying snake. Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer? Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.

 Oh, did some bad man put us in a drawer? Stop talking like that. You’ve been rendered speechless by fear.

 What does your gut tell you? Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.

 What are you doing? Science. You wouldn’t understand. Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.) I thought you were leaving the apartment.

 Science. You wouldn’t understand. Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.) I thought you were leaving the apartment.

 Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.) I thought you were leaving the apartment.

 Hey, well, see you. I’m going out. (Starts to go out. Doesn’t.) I thought you were leaving the apartment. Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind. Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?

 I thought you were leaving the apartment. Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind. Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?

 Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind. Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies?

 Yeah, me, too. I can’t make up my mind. Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies? No. I’m having a moral crisis. Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.

 Are you concerned because the world is filled with big dogs and bullies? No. I’m having a moral crisis. Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.

 No. I’m having a moral crisis. Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss.

 No. I’m having a moral crisis. Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss. Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India. All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.

 Well, if it’s of any help, I’ve read all the great moral philosophers, including Dr. Seuss. Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India. All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.

 Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India. All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on.

 Oh, what the hell. I’m supposed to go see that girl from the comic book store, Alice, but I don’t know if I should, because I’m going out with Priya, but she’s in India. All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on. Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do. You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

 All right. So the topic at hand is sexual fidelity. Probably won’t be relying on Seuss here. Although One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish might be surprisingly applicable. Go on. Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do. You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

 Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do. You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.

 Well, they say at the end of your life, you regret the stuff you didn’t do more than the stuff that you did, and I’m pretty sure Alice is the stuff I want to do. You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men. That actually does help. It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.

 You know, the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men. That actually does help. It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.

 That actually does help. It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis.

 That actually does help. It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis. Screw it, I’m going. On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?

 It’s worth noting that he died of syphilis. Screw it, I’m going. On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?

 Screw it, I’m going. On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice?

 Screw it, I’m going. On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice? Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?

 On your way home, will you pick up some orange juice? Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?

 Do you mind? I’m questioning a lot of things in my life right now. Is one of those things your fondness for orange juice?

 Who is it? It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz. That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette. Really? That’s very unsettling.

 It’s me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz. That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette. Really? That’s very unsettling.

 That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette. Really? That’s very unsettling.

 That’s not my mom, it’s Bernadette. Really? That’s very unsettling. Hi, Sheldon. Hi.

 Hi, Sheldon. Hi. What’s up? It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.

 Hi. What’s up? It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.

 What’s up? It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so.

 It just occurred to me that I never formally congratulated you on your pending nuptials. So I hopped on the first bus and hightailed it down here to shake your hand. Put ‘er there, you old so-and-so. Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then? Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun! Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)

 Well, I, I’m gonna see you at work in 12 hours, don’t you think it could have waited until then? Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun! Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)

 Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun! Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)

 Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses)

 Holy smoke, why didn’t I think of that? You’re a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put ‘er there, you son of a gun! Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses) Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do? It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.

 Whatever. (Takes his hand. Starts to be electrocuted) My… oh… it’s… (Clutches heart and collapses) Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do? It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.

 Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do? It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look.

 Oh, my God, Howard! What did you do? It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look. Howard has a heart condition! You know that! Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?

 It was a harmless Halloween prank. Look. Howard has a heart condition! You know that! Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?

 Howard has a heart condition! You know that! Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?

 Howard has a heart condition! You know that! Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people? This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart. We are?

 Well, I thought he made that up. Isn’t hypochondria a common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people? This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart. We are?

 This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart. We are?

 This is adrenaline, we’re gonna have to inject it into his heart. We are? You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot. Oh, no! I can’t!

 We are? You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot. Oh, no! I can’t!

 You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot. Oh, no! I can’t!

 You are. I’m not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we’ve only got one shot. Oh, no! I can’t! Hurry! We’re running out of time! Okay.

 Hurry! We’re running out of time! Okay. Just do it! Oh, God! One, two, three!

 That’s horrible. Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odourless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out, still in the bags. The gowns, not the bridesmaids. I don’t know. Dead people’s dresses? Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.

 Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odourless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out, still in the bags. The gowns, not the bridesmaids. I don’t know. Dead people’s dresses? Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.

 I don’t know. Dead people’s dresses? Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh.

 Yeah, and cap sleeves? U-u-uh. Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters. Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny. Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?

 Uh, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters. Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny. Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?

 Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one’s fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I’m looking at no one in particular, Penny. Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?

 Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us? I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists. Okay, that time you looked at me.

 What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? Why do you hate us? I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists. Okay, that time you looked at me.

 I’ve prepared a number of topics that should appeal to both the advanced and novice conversationalists. Okay, that time you looked at me.

 Topic one. Faster-than-light particles at CERN, paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese? And converse. All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines? Oh, me. Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.

 All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines? Oh, me. Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving.

 Oh, me. Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving. Wait for moi. You’re leaving?

 Through no one’s fault, Sheldon, we’re leaving. Wait for moi. You’re leaving?

 Ah. New topic. Women, delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy? Totally. What’s wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they’re adorable.

 Totally. What’s wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they’re adorable.

 She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease. It’s hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it. That’s fun to have in a lunchroom. The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.

 It’s hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it. That’s fun to have in a lunchroom. The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.

 That’s fun to have in a lunchroom. The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.

 The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week.

 That’s fun to have in a lunchroom. The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week. Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject? Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.

 The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you’re going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who’s been biting you all week. Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject? Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.

 Please, we’re eating. Can we get that off the table and change the subject? Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a conver-sensation.

 I guess. That’s cool, that’s cool. Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)

 That’s cool, that’s cool. Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)

 Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (Raj raises his hand)

 Leonard’s coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn. Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! Yes! First place. I would have been a great jockey if I weren’t too tall. And scared of horses. Sheldon, you’re up. What? Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air. Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.

 What? Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air. Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.

 Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air. Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.

 Come on, it’s your turn. We said we’d get more fresh air. Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing. Did you try calling her on the telephone? The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.

 Sorry. I’m a little distracted. I can’t seem to get in touch with Amy. I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing. Did you try calling her on the telephone? The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.

 Did you try calling her on the telephone? The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser.

 Did you try calling her on the telephone? The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser. If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right. Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.

 The telephone. You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all. Voice mail. Curiouser and curiouser. If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right. Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.

 If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right. Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood.

 If you’re worried, we can go over there and see if she’s all right. Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood. I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat. Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?

 Okay. You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighbourhood. I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat. Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?

 I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat. Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat?

 I don’t think Amy was eaten by a bobcat. Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat? You do? Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.

 Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat? You do? Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.

 You do? Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item. Now, thanks to you, I’m worried Amy’s been eaten by a bobcat.

 Uh, she’s your friend. Step up. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye. Where are you going? I’m single, I don’t need this crap.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Bye. Where are you going? I’m single, I don’t need this crap.

 Where are you going? I’m single, I don’t need this crap. Sheldon, what are you doing here? You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.

 I’m single, I don’t need this crap. Sheldon, what are you doing here? You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications. I wanted to be alone. Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

 You didn’t respond to any of my electronic communications. I wanted to be alone. Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

 I wanted to be alone. Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

 I wanted to be alone. Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer. Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me. Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?

 Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer. Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me. Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?

 Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me. Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages?

 Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me. Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.

 Point of order. As you’re in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage. But I’m a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage. How do you want to proceed vis-a-vis beverages? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.

 It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.

 It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted. Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me. And that made you feel sad?

 If you’d like to take your mind off what’s troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted. Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me. And that made you feel sad?

 Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me. And that made you feel sad?

 Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me. And that made you feel sad? Yes. I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.

 And that made you feel sad? Yes. I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this.

 Yes. I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this. It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself. When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.

 I knew it. Just keep going, I guess I’m good at this. It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself. When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.

 It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself. When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw.

 It’s just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself. When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw. Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind. Always.

 When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? ‘Cause I can see how that could stick in someone’s craw. Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind. Always.

 Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind. Always.

 Sheldon, I’m going to ask you something, and I’d like you to keep an open mind. Always. At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.

 Always. At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.

 At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind.

 At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind. Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.

 Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind. Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.

 Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy.

 Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy. How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.

 Counterproposal. I will gently stroke your head and repeat, aw, who’s a good Amy. How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.

 How about this? French kissing, seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.

 Mm, I’m thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache. For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man? This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here. The two of you need to get your women in line!

 For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man? This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here. The two of you need to get your women in line!

 This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here. The two of you need to get your women in line!

 This is not a safe place. You can’t share anything here. The two of you need to get your women in line! What? Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.

 The two of you need to get your women in line! What? Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.

 What? Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time.

 What? Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time. What do you want us to do about it? You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!

 Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler. This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time. What do you want us to do about it? You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!

 What do you want us to do about it? You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence, get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right. I am a man of science, not someone’s snuggle bunny!

 This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you’re the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where’s Amy? She’s right here, the sad little tumour no one wants to go dress shopping with. Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin). 

 Amy, you’re not a tumour. Penny, tell her she’s not a tumour. (Penny is vomiting in the dustbin). 

 Yeah, but why didn’t you go back to your apartment? Didn’t you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me. Maybe we should get you home. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?

 Didn’t you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me. Maybe we should get you home. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?

 Maybe we should get you home. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?

 Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me?

 Oh, it’s not a date, Leonard. It’s just a man and a woman hanging out, and not having sex at the end of the night. Sounds like most of my dates. Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster! What is that about?

 Sounds like most of my dates. Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster! What is that about?

 Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster! What is that about?

 Oh, dear Lord, get away from me, you monster! What is that about? Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.) Shoo, shoo! Be gone!

 What is that about? Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.) Shoo, shoo! Be gone!

 Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.) Shoo, shoo! Be gone!

 Well, he’s smart and crazy enough, he may have actually created a monster. (They enter. Sheldon is by the window.) Shoo, shoo! Be gone! What the hell is going on? There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

 Shoo, shoo! Be gone! What the hell is going on? There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

 What the hell is going on? There’s a bird outside the window, and he won’t go away. That is the hell that is going on. We have no worms or seeds here. Shoo, shoo.

 Really? On top of everything else, you’re afraid of birds? It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets. So movies, yes or no? Movies, yes.

 It’s called ornithophobia. And someday it will be recognized as a true disability, and the landlord will be required by law to put a giant net over the building. Which is unfortunate, because I have a fear of nets. So movies, yes or no? Movies, yes.

 So movies, yes or no? Movies, yes. Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him. That doesn’t help.

 Movies, yes. Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him. That doesn’t help.

 Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him. That doesn’t help.

 Great. I’ll see you later. And remember, he’s more afraid of you than you are of him. That doesn’t help. No, I was talking to the bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.

 That doesn’t help. No, I was talking to the bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.

 No, I was talking to the bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. (Knock, knock, knock) Go away, bird. Sheldon, just ignore him. Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.

 Sheldon, just ignore him. Good idea. Attention is what birds want. (Pulls curtain) Oh, much better. All right. Now I’ll just get along with my life. (Bird squawks) Make a pot of tea, Leonard. It’s going to be a long night.

 The bird’s still there? Quick, what does a hawk sound like? I don’t know. Scree-scree. Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.

 Quick, what does a hawk sound like? I don’t know. Scree-scree. Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.

 I don’t know. Scree-scree. Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help.

 I don’t know. Scree-scree. Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help. Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed? It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.

 Please, that’s a seagull. If you’re not going to help, don’t help. Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed? It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.

 Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed? It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins.

 Sorry. Do you think I’m overdressed? It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins. I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date. Do you think it’s a date?

 It depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. If you’re playing Vegas, I’d add sequins. I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date. Do you think it’s a date?

 I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date. Do you think it’s a date?

 I’m going to the movies with Penny. I don’t want her to think that I think it’s a date. Do you think it’s a date? No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t. Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.

 Do you think it’s a date? No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t. Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.

 No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t. Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t.

 No, but she might think I think it’s a date even though I don’t. Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t. Are we overthinking this? Not at all.

 Or you might think she thinks you think it’s a date even though she doesn’t. Are we overthinking this? Not at all.

 Are we overthinking this? Not at all. You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this. Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?

 Not at all. You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this. Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?

 You’re right. I’m fine. I’m wearing this. Really? A blazer? All right. (Leonard takes off blazer and heads back to his room. Sheldon dials phone) Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I’m at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I’d like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I’m sorry, this is Animal Control. I don’t understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you’re frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you’re stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don’t you think I tried making cat noises?

 I’m pushing play. A minute. If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.

 A minute. If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.

 If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator.

 If we don’t start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator. I have a Masters degree from M.I.T. Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.

 This would go a lot faster if you put your trade school diploma to work and helped me set up this high frequency tone generator. I have a Masters degree from M.I.T. Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.

 I have a Masters degree from M.I.T. Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important.

 I have a Masters degree from M.I.T. Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important. I really don’t get your problem with birds. The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

 Yeah, but you’ve got a can-do attitude and that’s what’s important. I really don’t get your problem with birds. The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

 I really don’t get your problem with birds. The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup.

 I really don’t get your problem with birds. The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup. Hummingbirds are pretty. Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.

 The question you should be asking is what is their problem with me? My first memory, a hummingbird dive-bombing my stroller to get at the apple juice in my sippy cup. Hummingbirds are pretty. Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.

 Hummingbirds are pretty. Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.

 Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world. Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth. Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on? Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.

 Still my first choice for an ankle tattoo. Or a dolphin, I go back and forth. Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on? Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.

 Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age twelve, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age sixteen, a parrot in a pet store called me fat ass. Need I go on? Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.

 I’m serious. I’ll do it. Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for? They’re in a group. I’m scared.

 Good! Go! There are some girls right over there. What are you waiting for? They’re in a group. I’m scared.

 You’re biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That’s a living thing, get cracking. I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains. Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing. Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.

 I specialize in microorganisms, and Amy studies brains. Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing. Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.

 Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing. Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class.

 Yeah, neither of us minored in bird-shooing. Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class. Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet. No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!

 Oh, come now. Your undergraduate work must have included a varmints and critters class. Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet. No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!

 Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet. No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero!

 Come back in, Sheldon, he’s not going to hurt you. He looks friendly. I think he might be someone’s pet. No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero! Oh, he’s a sweetie. Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.

 No, Bernadette, don’t be a hero! Oh, he’s a sweetie. Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.

 Oh, he’s a sweetie. Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet.

 Oh, he’s a sweetie. Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet. Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman. Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.

 Yes. It’s very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully, flush him down the toilet. Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman. Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.

 Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman. Every year tens of people around the world are killed by birds. I’m not going to be another statistic.

 A… S… Take me home. Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.

 Maybe I’m not done hanging out with… (Laura has gone) You’re right, it’s getting late.

 It’s remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He’s magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven’t offered you a beverage. Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control. My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you? Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

 Oh, it’s just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control. My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you? Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

 My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you? Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

 Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.

 My phone’s on the desk over there. Take a picture of us together. Make it good enough to go on a mug, a mouse pad, and a calendar. If you were a dove, I’d call you Lovey-Dovey. Oh. Who am I kidding? This isn’t a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You’re just my little Lovey-Dovey, aren’t you? Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here. I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters. Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

 Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here. I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters. Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

 I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters. Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite.

 I still think he looks like someone’s pet. Maybe we should put up posters. Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite. If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical. Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.

 Yes. It should have a big picture of him, and the words, is this your bird? Not anymore. We’re going to have so much fun together. You can carry messages to all my enemies. I can tie a string to your leg and fly you like a kite. If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical. Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.

 If you’re keeping him, I’ve got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical. Nonsense. No. Lovey-Dovey doesn’t sleep in a cage. No. Lovey-Dovey sleeps in his very own nest, which I’m going to get off the windowsill and put in my room. Isn’t that right, LD? (Opens window. Bird flies out.) No. Where are you going? Come back, Lovey-Dovey! This is your home now! I already ordered 20 pounds of bird feed off of Amazon! He’s gone.

 Well, then, I’m putting sex back on the table. What do you think about that? Ooh. Maybe I like it. You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be. Good night, Leonard.

 Ooh. Maybe I like it. You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be. Good night, Leonard.

 You do? Because if that’s what you like, I can be that guy. I swear, I’ll be anything you want me to be. Good night, Leonard.

 It’s amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally. It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets. Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay. Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?

 It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets. Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay. Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?

 Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay. Well? What do you think of New Comic Book Night? Magic, huh?

 Mmm, make it two. I hate all of you and myself. Three. I’ll ring it up. Like shooting nerds in a barrel.

 I hate all of you and myself. Three. I’ll ring it up. Like shooting nerds in a barrel.

 Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward. I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that. Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy. Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?

 I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that. Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy. Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?

 Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy. Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes?

 Yeah, that’s not it. Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy. Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes? No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out. I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.

 Oh, of course he is. She’s very interesting. Did you know, when she was 14, she severed the webbing between her own toes? No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out. I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.

 No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out. I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know.

 No. He wanted me to find out if you’d have a problem with him asking her out. I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know. You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out. The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

 I’m not sure how to respond, Leonard. I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know. You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out. The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

 You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out. The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.

 You know what? Never mind. I’m going to tell him it’s okay to ask her out. The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia. All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it. Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.

 The question is moot. There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia. All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it. Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.

 All right, but just for the record, I checked in with you to see how you’d feel about it. Fine. The record shall so reflect. Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.

 Well, yeah, I guess they’re not engaged like me and Howie. Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.

 Yeah, for what it’s worth, engaged people can look around, too. Lot of options out there.

 Yeah. I don’t get it, either. I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack. Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard. Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?

 I want to return this Wild West and Witches Ka’a expansion pack. Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard. Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?

 Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard. Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back?

 Sorry. I don’t do returns. They’re hard. Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back? I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl. Oh, I guess I was wrong.

 Sure, sure. Uh, when will Stuart be back? I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl. Oh, I guess I was wrong.

 I don’t know. He went out for coffee. With a girl. Oh, I guess I was wrong.

 Am I okay? Leonard, I’m on a lifelong trajectory that includes a Nobel Prize and cities named after me, all four wisdom teeth fit comfortably in my mouth without need of extraction, and my bowel movements run like a German train schedule. Am I okay? I’m okay, too!

 We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous. And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too? Yeah. Very.

 And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too? Yeah. Very.

 Incredibly so. Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat? Yeah. Very.

 Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat? Yeah. Very.

 Very. Incredibly so. All right, fine. Let’s just play. We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.

 Incredibly so. All right, fine. Let’s just play. We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.

 All right, fine. Let’s just play. We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight.

 Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman? Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town? Sorry. Creepy Tepee. Annie Ogly.

 Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town? Sorry. Creepy Tepee. Annie Ogly.

 Hey, guys, check it out. The deluxe limited edition Wild West and Witches expansion pack in the signed and numbered collector’s tin. Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack. Ooh, a sheriff’s badge. Yeah, it’s also a wand.

 Oh come on, no! We just bought the regular pack. Ooh, a sheriff’s badge. Yeah, it’s also a wand.

 Yeah, it’s also a wand. With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this? I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything. You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?

 With a hologram? Nice. Hey, do you see this? I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything. You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?

 I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything. You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook?

 I’m in the matrix, Leonard, I see everything. You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook? I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore. Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

 You’ve got to be kidding me. You friended Stuart on Facebook? I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore. Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

 I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore. Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

 I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore. Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact. Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went. Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?

 Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact. Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went. Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?

 Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went. Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady?

 You’re so full of it. You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali. You unfriended me? Seriously? Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.

 You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali. You unfriended me? Seriously? Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.

 You unfriended me? Seriously? Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.

 Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri.

 You unfriended me? Seriously? Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri. Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men? And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.

 Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri. Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men? And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.

 Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men? And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter.

 Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men? And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter. Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed. And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.

 And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter. Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed. And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.

 Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed. And unfriend Howard Wolowitz.

 That’s all of us. Can I use the laptop? Why? I have to buy that stupid collector’s tin.

 Who do we love? Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Who do we love? Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)

 Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Who do we love? Penny. (Knock, knock, knock)

 Who do we love? Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Who do we love? Penny.

 Hello, Sheldon. Come on in. Thank you. What’s up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

 Thank you. What’s up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

 What’s up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

 What’s up? I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. I’m sorry, what? A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

 I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. I’m sorry, what? A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

 I’m sorry, what? A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight.

 I’m sorry, what? A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight. God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

 A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight. God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

 God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.

 God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

 No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

 Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way?

 Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way? All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this? I believe I do.

 I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way? All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this? I believe I do.

 All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this? I believe I do.

 All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this? I believe I do. Mm. I’m the guy.

 Mm. I’m the guy. You’re not the guy. Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.

 I’m the guy. You’re not the guy. Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.

 You’re not the guy. Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time.

 You’re not the guy. Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time. I call everyone sweetie. You tramp.

 Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time. I call everyone sweetie. You tramp.

 If you’re bored, you can go. I understand. No, I’m having a nice time. Don’t patronize me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.

 No, I’m having a nice time. Don’t patronize me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.

 Don’t patronize me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart.

 Don’t patronize me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart. Hi, Sheldon. Pardon me. Excuse me.

 Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hi, Stuart. Hi, Sheldon. Pardon me. Excuse me.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart. None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word. I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.

 The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence, Stuart. None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word. I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.

 None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word. I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.

 I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want.

 None taken. Although repellent is kind of a, kind of a strong word. I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want. Um, again… Stuart, please. You’re being rude.

 I’m sorry this causes you discomfort, but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellent situation I want. Um, again… Stuart, please. You’re being rude.

 Um, again… Stuart, please. You’re being rude. Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

 Stuart, please. You’re being rude. Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

 Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

 Anything else? I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. I’m listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

 I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. I’m listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

 I’m listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

 I’m listening. With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You’re being impossible.

 With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You’re being impossible.

 Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You’re being impossible.

 Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. You’re being impossible. Hi, Stuart. Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?

 You’re being impossible. Hi, Stuart. Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Let’s wrap things up out there. Um, good night, Stuart. Good night. Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.

 Um, good night, Stuart. Good night. Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night.

 Good night. Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night. How did you get into my apartment? Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.

 Take the hint, Stuart. The lady said good night. How did you get into my apartment? Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.

 How did you get into my apartment? Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up.

 How did you get into my apartment? Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up. What’s that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.

 Wow. Is that the kind of nagging I can expect now that you’re my girlfriend? Good thing I drew this up. What’s that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.

 What’s that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.

 What’s that? I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend. It’s so romantic. Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

 I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend. It’s so romantic. Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

 It’s so romantic. Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp.

 Yeah, I heard you. I got red. Bernadette, left foot yellow. We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Bernadette, left foot yellow. We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 We should play limbo next. No one beats me at limbo. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. That’s my boyfriend. It’s open! I got a splinter.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. That’s my boyfriend. It’s open! I got a splinter.

 Yeah, it’s “Penny already eats our food, she can pay for Wi-Fi.” No spaces. Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi? I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day. You want to hear something weird?

 Okay. If you can’t get me to stop eating your food, what makes you think you can get me to stop using your Wi-Fi? I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day. You want to hear something weird?

 I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day. You want to hear something weird?

 I believe that you’re capable of great change. Like when I finally got you to stop saying Valentimes Day. You want to hear something weird? Sure. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

 You want to hear something weird? Sure. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

 Sure. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.

 Sure. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. What are you talking about? You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.

 In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. What are you talking about? You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.

 What are you talking about? You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.

 You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird. Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her. Oh. I thought it was a game. What’s yours?

 Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her. Oh. I thought it was a game. What’s yours?

 What’s yours? There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks. Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick. Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.

 There’s this guy, Jimmy Speckerman, who used to torment me in high school. He sent me a message through Facebook. He’s in town and wants to have drinks. Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick. Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.

 Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices. An e-mail from an old acquaintance, or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick. Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go.

 Just do it, ’cause he’s not gonna let it go. Basketball Pope. And that’s how it’s done. What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?

 Basketball Pope. And that’s how it’s done. What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?

 And that’s how it’s done. What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him?

 And that’s how it’s done. What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him? I don’t know. Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?

 What are you gonna do about your bully? Are you gonna see him? I don’t know. Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?

 I don’t know. Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch?

 I don’t know. Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch? No, that was a different guy. Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?

 Is this the fellow who peed in your Hawaiian Punch? No, that was a different guy. Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?

 No, that was a different guy. Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?

 No, that was a different guy. Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down? No, that was a different, different guy. Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?

 Was he the one who wedgied you so hard, your testicle reascended, and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down? No, that was a different, different guy. Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?

 No, that was a different, different guy. Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?

 No. Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair? No, but, actually, that was this guy’s sister. All right, well, what do you think he wants?

 Oh, oh, oh. Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair? No, but, actually, that was this guy’s sister. All right, well, what do you think he wants?

 No, but, actually, that was this guy’s sister. All right, well, what do you think he wants?

 You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there. I told you. That was a different guy. Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

 I told you. That was a different guy. Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

 Hmm. That’s too bad. We could have spent New Year’s Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

 It’s two a.m. What are you doing up? Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm. Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year. Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.

 Nobel Prize acceptance ceremony streaming live from Stockholm. Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year. Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.

 Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year. Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there.

 Sure. You want to see what all the scientists are wearing this year. Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there. Thanks. So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?

 Look at these men. They’ve managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more understanding of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. You should pay attention, Leonard. Someday this could be you up there. Thanks. So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam?

 Thanks. So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam? I didn’t have clams. I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.

 So, what’s got you up? Did you have a bad clam? I didn’t have clams. I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.

 I didn’t have clams. I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do.

 I didn’t have clams. I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do. It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces. Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?

 I don’t watch you 24 hours a day. I don’t know what you do. It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces. Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?

 It’s this Jimmy Speckerman thing. I can’t decide if I should agree to see him or not. Of course that might be because the last time I ran into him, he made me floss with my own shoelaces. Wear loafers. Look at Dr. Saul Perlmutter up there, clutching that Nobel Prize. What’s the matter, Saul? You afraid someone’s going to steal it? Like you stole Einstein’s cosmological constant?

 Leonard. Oh, hi. Holy crap, man, it’s good to see you. Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 Oh, hi. Holy crap, man, it’s good to see you. Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 Holy crap, man, it’s good to see you. Yeah. You, too. Uh, Jimmy, this is Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 And there’s the first zinger. Ouch. I’m doing okay, I guess. Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal. The Newcomb medal.

 I’m doing okay, I guess. Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal. The Newcomb medal.

 Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal. The Newcomb medal.

 Okay? Come on, I read online you’re a physicist at a university, you won some medal. The Newcomb medal. Yeah, congratulations. Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

 The Newcomb medal. Yeah, congratulations. Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

 Yeah, congratulations. Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

 Yeah, congratulations. Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework. From what I read, it sounded like a big deal. Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?

 Congratulations? The Newcomb medal? Oh, please. That’s the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework. From what I read, it sounded like a big deal. Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?

 From what I read, it sounded like a big deal. Oh, good Lord, are we going to stand here and listen to him tear Leonard apart like this?

 Oh, I can’t take all the credit. You helped a lot. Yeah. We were practically a comedy team. Like the Black Death and Europe. Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.

 Yeah. We were practically a comedy team. Like the Black Death and Europe. Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.

 Like the Black Death and Europe. Jimmy, I’m kind of curious why you wanted to see me.

 That sounds amazing. First movie I’m watching, Annie. How exactly would these glasses work? How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd. I don’t think something like that’s even possible.

 How exactly would these glasses work? How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd. I don’t think something like that’s even possible.

 How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd. I don’t think something like that’s even possible.

 How the hell should I know? That’s why I need a nerd. I don’t think something like that’s even possible. Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known. The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.

 I don’t think something like that’s even possible. Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known. The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.

 Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known. The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever.

 Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You’re like the smartest guy I’ve ever known. The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever. Sheldon, I got this. You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.

 The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have a firm grasp on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozy. Leonard, you can’t live in fear of this man forever. Sheldon, I got this. You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.

 Sheldon, I got this. You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity.

 You clearly don’t. What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you’re a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature and his congenital lack of masculinity. Sheldon. Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess. I don’t understand.

 Sheldon. Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess. I don’t understand.

 Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you’re a mess. I don’t understand.

 I don’t understand. I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit. A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples. That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

 I think what he’s trying to say is that maybe in high school you picked on me a little bit. A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples. That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

 A little bit? The man Super Glued Hershey’s Kisses to your nipples. That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

 That’s funny because those aren’t the kind of kisses you want on your nipples.

 What is that? This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens. 14 is not, oh , yeah, never mind. What’s this word?

 This is a list of your heinous acts against Leonard. One of which is certainly the cause of him wetting his bed well into his teens. 14 is not, oh , yeah, never mind. What’s this word?

 What’s this word? Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years. You really need to work on your penmanship. Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.

 Nancy. You called me Nancy for three years. You really need to work on your penmanship. Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.

 You really need to work on your penmanship. Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.

 Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun.

 Oh, man, I, I don’t know what to say. I always thought we were just having some fun. It wasn’t fun for me. You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him. Come on, guys.

 It wasn’t fun for me. You’re being too kind, Leonard. You ruined him. Come on, guys.

 Oh, my God, that’s perfect. ‘Cause I have so many clothes I don’t wear, and they’re just taking up space, and I go shopping to buy more stuff and I have no place to put it. This will totally fix that. What about helping people? And helping people.

 Here’s your cocoa. Oh, half and half instead of whole milk? Yes. Heated to precisely 183 degrees?

 Oh, half and half instead of whole milk? Yes. Heated to precisely 183 degrees?

 Yes. Heated to precisely 183 degrees? Yes. Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?

 Heated to precisely 183 degrees? Yes. Seven little marshmallows, no more no less?

 Are you okay to drive? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention. No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I wouldn’t be imposing?

 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drive better drunk. You know, it makes you pay attention. No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I wouldn’t be imposing?

 No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I wouldn’t be imposing?

 No, no, no, come on in. I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I wouldn’t be imposing? No. Yes.

 Yes. Sheldon, we can’t let him drive. Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks. You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 Sheldon, we can’t let him drive. Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks. You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 Then take away his keys and make him wander the streets with the other drunks. You remember Sheldon and Raj and Howard.

 You’d think a winner could make a decent cup of cocoa. You mind if I use your bathroom? Yeah, just back there. How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.

 You mind if I use your bathroom? Yeah, just back there. How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.

 Yeah, just back there. How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.

 How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes.

 Yeah, just back there. How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes. Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people. You know what would be nice?

 How about that? After all these years, your big bad high school bully finally apologizes. Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people. You know what would be nice?

 Yeah. It kind of rekindles your faith in the basic goodness of people. You know what would be nice?

 Come on, they would be so cute on me, and, ah, they go great with this sweater! I don’t think Mother Teresa… Oh, that is adorable.

 In case it comes up again, this right here is an imposition. What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off. You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out. When did I have tacos?

 What was I supposed to do? He needed a place to sleep it off. You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out. When did I have tacos?

 You’re soft. This world’s going to chew you up and spit you out. When did I have tacos?

 What apology? For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school. Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss. That’s my French toast.

 For all the crappy stuff you did to me in high school. Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss. That’s my French toast.

 Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss. That’s my French toast.

 Geez, you’re still harping on that? What a puss. That’s my French toast. It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy. I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

 That’s my French toast. It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy. I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

 It’s good. You really know your way around a kitchen, Nancy. I’m not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

 I might kill him right now. The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back. Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go. Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.

 The Dark Knight has your back. He’s scared, but he has your back. Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go. Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.

 Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go. Yeah, all right, let me just finish this.

 Okay, Jimmy, it’s time for you to go. Yeah, all right, let me just finish this. No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now. Well said, Boy Wonder.

 Yeah, all right, let me just finish this. No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now. Well said, Boy Wonder.

 No, you’re done. I want you out of my apartment right now. Well said, Boy Wonder.

 Don’t answer that. It’s a trick question. I speak from experience. I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.

 I’m not afraid of you any more, Jimmy. Now get out! (Pushes him) Uh-oh.

 Ordinary, yet I sense it is dripping with magical potential. Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret. Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party. As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)

 Oh, dear Lord. A man pops out for a moment to evacuate his bowels and catch up on the adventures of the Caped Crusader, only to emerge and discover his apartment has been transformed into a cabaret. Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party. As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)

 Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party. As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)

 As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar)

 Sheldon, he’s just practising for his cousin’s birthday party. As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar) I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it. This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?

 As I was saying, empty box, empty cylinder, and, ooh, voila. (Pulls out a goldfish in a jar) I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it. This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?

 I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it. This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them?

 I’m telling you, dude, there’s a seat on the Hogwarts Express with your name on it. This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them? How is this lying? A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.

 This is how you’re going to entertain your little cousin and his friends? By lying to them? How is this lying? A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.

 How is this lying? A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister.

 A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. This is an ordinary top hat. You’ve chosen that card freely. I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister. Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt? If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion. Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

 Can’t you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain? Or up the butt? If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion. Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

 If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion. Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

 Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie.

 If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion. Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie. Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear! Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.

 Sheldon, he’s just gonna do a few magic tricks for some kids. I really don’t think they’re gonna end up liking the Green Lantern movie. Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear! Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.

 Don’t be so hard on him. It’s natural to be a little cranky when you have a quarter in your ear! Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican peso up my nose.

 It’s still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security. (Storms out) Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da. Next time, you should open with that.

 Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da. Next time, you should open with that.

 Ooh, look who’s out on a date. Pasadena’s favourite power couple, Shamy. And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory? So, are we celebrating anything special tonight? Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.

 And that is the answer to the question, what is wrong with eating at The Cheesecake Factory? So, are we celebrating anything special tonight? Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.

 So, are we celebrating anything special tonight? Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.

 Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.

 So, are we celebrating anything special tonight? Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night. That is so hot. All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?

 Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night. That is so hot. All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?

 That is so hot. All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?

 That is so hot. All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business? How was your day? Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.

 All right, without objection, the minutes of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business? How was your day? Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.

 How was your day? Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.

 How was your day? Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin. Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron. Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

 Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. Nice hat, Bob Tahecin. Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron. Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

 Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron. Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers.

 Sounds like you hit the ground running. I have a bit of good news myself. My most recent paper on how a cooperative long-term potentiation can map memory sequences in dendritic branches made the cover of Neuron. Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers. That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time. Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

 Ooh! Speaking of good news, somebody just hit 100 Twitter followers. That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time. Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

 That’s nice. Anyway, I’ve been dreaming of this day for a long time. Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good.

 Yeah, me, too. Triple digits, I’m not gonna lie, feels pretty good. Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here. So, are we ready to order?

 Sheldon, I’m the sole author on a paper being published in a distinguished journal that may change the course of my field. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here. So, are we ready to order?

 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here. So, are we ready to order?

 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Ooh, 101! Air’s getting a bit thin up here. So, are we ready to order? Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up. Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.

 So, are we ready to order? Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up. Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.

 Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up. Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.

 Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up. Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination. Sheldon, what is wrong with you? Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

 Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination. Sheldon, what is wrong with you? Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

 Sheldon, what is wrong with you? Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

 Sheldon, what is wrong with you? Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside. Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal. Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.

 Not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don’t know what it is, when they smart munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside. Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal. Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.

 Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal. Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things.

 Okay, Amy just told you some exciting news, and you acted like it was no big deal. Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things. Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by. What if they simply don’t excite me?

 Oh, I see why you’re confused. No, her news sounded important, but what you’re forgetting is, it was an achievement in the field of biology. That’s all about yucky, squishy things. Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by. What if they simply don’t excite me?

 Honey, she’s upset. You’re her boyfriend. You have to at least try to be excited by the things she’s excited by. What if they simply don’t excite me?

 Well, that’s because you haven’t been around them much. This is good practice. I mean, you are gonna be a mom someday, right? Mmm, yeah, sure. Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.

 Mmm, yeah, sure. Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.

 Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid. And then you open it and produce a live… Don’t look in there.

 Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh? Yes. How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around. Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.

 Yes. How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around. Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.

 How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around. Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head.

 How come you’re not doing a mission? You’re just wandering around. Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head. Some people go outside and do that. It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

 Had a rough night. I thought I’d go for a walk and clear my head. Some people go outside and do that. It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

 Some people go outside and do that. It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats.

 Some people go outside and do that. It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats. You want to talk about it? No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.

 It’s after nine o’clock, at this hour the streets of Pasadena are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats. You want to talk about it? No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.

 You want to talk about it? No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.

 You want to talk about it? No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away. You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on? Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.

 No. I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away. You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on? Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.

 You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on? Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.

 You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on? Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material. Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight? Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?

 Hard as this may be to believe, it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material. Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight? Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?

 Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight? Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?

 Glad I was sitting down for that. Did you and Amy get in a fight? Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything? No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women. I’ll say.

 Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable. I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything? No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women. I’ll say.

 No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women. I’ll say.

 No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later. Look, I’m no expert in women. I’ll say. That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you. I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.

 I’ll say. That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you. I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.

 That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you. I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.

 That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you. I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on. Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change. Nuts to that. What else you got?

 I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on. Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change. Nuts to that. What else you got?

 Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change. Nuts to that. What else you got?

 Sometimes with women you want to listen to what upsets them and then show them that you can grow and change. Nuts to that. What else you got? I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something. How does that work?

 Nuts to that. What else you got? I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something. How does that work?

 I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something. How does that work?

 I don’t know what to tell you. Buy her something. How does that work? Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture. Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

 How does that work? Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture. Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

 Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture. Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.

 Right, when it’s our kid that’s ruined my body and kept me up all night and I’ve got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, sure, that’ll be completely different. Well, yeah.

 Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff. Ooh, a pocket watch. Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch. No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

 Ooh, a pocket watch. Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch. No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

 Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch. No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

 No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch. Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets? Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that? Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?

 Still saying stupid stuff. Ooh, does she like bracelets? Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that? Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?

 Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that? Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?

 Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady?

 Well, she’s very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that? Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady? (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple. Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.

 Well, how are we doing this afternoon? Are we looking for anything special? Perhaps a ring for the lady? (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple. Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.

 (Snorts) Trust me, we are not a couple. Excuse me. I don’t see why you get to snort derisively and point that out. You’d be lucky to land a fella like me.

 My apologies. How can I help you today? He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present. Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC. Ooh, are these real diamonds?

 He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present. Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC. Ooh, are these real diamonds?

 Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC. Ooh, are these real diamonds?

 Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC. Ooh, are these real diamonds? Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight. Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

 Ooh, are these real diamonds? Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight. Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

 Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight. Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

 What’s your mom going to say if you call off the wedding? Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.

 Huh, it’ll kill her. On the other hand, if I don’t give her grandchildren, that’ll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I’m golden.

 Hi. What’s he doing here? Okay, he wants to talk to you. Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.

 What’s he doing here? Okay, he wants to talk to you. Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.

 Okay, he wants to talk to you. Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.

 Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last.

 Okay, he wants to talk to you. Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last. Sheldon, you’re up. Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.

 Well, I don’t want to talk to him. And I’m pretty disappointed in you, too. Although we both know that won’t last. Sheldon, you’re up. Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.

 Sheldon, you’re up. Thank you. Amy, I’d like to apologize. Your accomplishment was impressive. And I’m proud of you.

 I told you. Okay, look, he bought you this. Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me. You look beautiful.

 Okay, look, he bought you this. Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me. You look beautiful.

 Jewellery? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centred person I have ever met. Do you really think another transparently manip..oh! It’s a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! Put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me, put it on me. You look beautiful.

 Yeah, we’re good. You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex? I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.

 You know, I don’t know if this counted as a fight, but how about some make-up sex? I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.

 I would love that. But what is that behind your ear? Oh, look, it’s a condom.

 You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex? You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals? Okay, let’s talk about that. As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.

 You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals? Okay, let’s talk about that. As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.

 Okay, let’s talk about that. As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind.

 Okay, let’s talk about that. As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind. We all do. Now, how about dinner? Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.

 As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it’s cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it’s slow outside. I love my mind. We all do. Now, how about dinner? Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.

 We all do. Now, how about dinner? Oh, I would assume we’d enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other’s tails off and grill them, they’ll just grow back. Oh! My life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn’t care for an outburst of human emotion, but, oh goodie, oh goodie, oh goodie. Commander Spock requesting permission to be unfolded.

 Well, more to the point, why are you doing this? What are you talking about? Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down. I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.

 What are you talking about? Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down. I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.

 Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down. I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship.

 Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down. I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship. I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement. You want to know my opinion?

 I didn’t defile your sister, we had a relationship. I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement. You want to know my opinion?

 I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement. You want to know my opinion?

 I heard you call her Brown Sugar. In my book, that’s defilement. You want to know my opinion? Oh, boy, do I? Sarcasm?

 Oh, boy, do I? Sarcasm? No. All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.

 Sarcasm? No. All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.

 No. All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother.

 No. All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother. Where on earth did you get that from? It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.

 All right, then. The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment, your brilliant yet intimidating mother. Where on earth did you get that from? It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.

 Where on earth did you get that from? It’s in her book, Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.

 It’s called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard. See you later. If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock. Why?

 See you later. If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock. Why?

 If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard’s mother? Sandra Bullock. Why?

 And now that I have some wood, I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement. He’s got to be doing this on purpose. Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige? You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.

 He’s got to be doing this on purpose. Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige? You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.

 Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige? You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother.

 Ooh, eight thirty. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige? You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother. I guess it didn’t go well. We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.

 You’re thirty years old and you live with your mother. I guess it didn’t go well. We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.

 I guess it didn’t go well. We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.

 I guess it didn’t go well. We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home. How about now? Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.

 We don’t know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home. How about now? Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.

 How about now? Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he’s being murdered. Now, back to our game.

 Yeah, I was gonna throw it away, but I just couldn’t. That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.

 That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.

 Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going? Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning? Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up? I was using the bathroom.

 Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at three o’clock in the morning? Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up? I was using the bathroom.

 Well, uh, uh, what are you doing up? I was using the bathroom. Yeah, well, so was I. Really? I didn’t see you in there.

 I was using the bathroom. Yeah, well, so was I. Really? I didn’t see you in there.

 Yeah, well, so was I. Really? I didn’t see you in there. Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one. Where?

 Really? I didn’t see you in there. Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one. Where?

 Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one. Where?

 Obviously, when I saw that you were in ours, I went and used another one. Where? The, the gas station across the street. In your pyjamas?

 Where? The, the gas station across the street. In your pyjamas?

 The, the gas station across the street. In your pyjamas? Yes. Without shoes?

 Yes. On a cold winter’s night? Yes. Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?

 On a cold winter’s night? Yes. Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler?

 Yes. Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler? Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did. Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.

 Seems unlikely. Did you bring your asthma inhaler? Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did. Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.

 Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did. Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister.

 Uh, uh, uh, yes, I did. Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister. What? After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?

 Well, then, I guess it’s plausible. Hang on a second, mister. What? After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?

 What? After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?

 What? After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase? What? It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?

 After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase? What? It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?

 What? It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you?

 What? It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you? No. Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.

 It’s customary, when using the rest room at a retail establishment, to make a small purchase. Did you? No. Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.

 No. Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky. I don’t want beef jerky. It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

 Here’s two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky. I don’t want beef jerky. It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

 I don’t want beef jerky. It’s not about you. It’s about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

 Leonard will be here in a moment. He’s looking for a different parking space. Why? We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so. I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.

 Why? We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so. I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.

 We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so. I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny.

 We were next to a car with an ask me about my grandchildren bumper sticker, and I was afraid if we ran into them on the way out, I’d be obligated to do so. I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny. Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship. You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 I’m so disappointed it didn’t work with him and Penny. Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship. You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Me, too. Out of deference to them, let’s not flaunt our happy relationship. You have a keen insight into the human heart, Amy Farrah Fowler.

 Oh, that’s nice. See, she knew what always meant. Wow, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you? I’m just making a point.

 See, she knew what always meant. Wow, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you? I’m just making a point.

 Wow, you’re like a dog with a bone, aren’t you? I’m just making a point.

 I’m just making a point. Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go? People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order. Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.

 Is the point that you don’t know when to let something go? People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order. Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.

 People, people, please, before you say something you both regret, I’d like to place my order. Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.

 Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right.

 Yeah, just hang on, Sheldon. You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right. Oh, that is not true. I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know. You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.

 Oh, that is not true. I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know. You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.

 I’ve got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know. You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.

 You know what? I just realized I’m on a break. I’ll get someone else.

 What do you mean? Every scenario I play out for you and me ends badly. That’s because you overthink everything. Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) 

 Every scenario I play out for you and me ends badly. That’s because you overthink everything. Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) 

 That’s because you overthink everything. Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) 

 Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.) 

 That’s because you overthink everything. Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.)  What? Yeah. This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?

 Leonard, are you listening to me? (Leonard is in the hallway with Sheldon. It is the opening scene, and Sheldon has just found his cardboard Spock.)  What? Yeah. This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?

 What? Yeah. This is a disaster. I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?

 No, I mean just you and me. Ooh! Ooh! Uh, have you thought this through?

 Penny? Sorry, just remembered I’ve got to stop by the drugstore.

 Hang on, Dr. C. What’s vexillology? Vexillology is the study of flags. Cool. I think I just learned something. Did you have fun doing it?

 Vexillology is the study of flags. Cool. I think I just learned something. Did you have fun doing it?

 Cool. I think I just learned something. Did you have fun doing it?

 Cool. I think I just learned something. Did you have fun doing it? I’ll say. Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

 Did you have fun doing it? I’ll say. Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

 I’ll say. Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.

 I’ll say. Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more. Sweet! Why are you waving a white flag?

 Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast, not unlike the only two-sided state flag, Oregon. Oh, look. Hello, Mr. Beaver. In future episodes, we’ll answer some burning questions. What’s the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more. Sweet! Why are you waving a white flag?

 Sweet! Why are you waving a white flag? I’m surrendering to fun. Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…

 Why are you waving a white flag? I’m surrendering to fun. Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…

 I’m surrendering to fun. Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to…

 I’m surrendering to fun. Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to… Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?

 Now, today’s episode of Fun with Flags is not fun, but it is important. Flags: you gotta know how to hold ’em, you gotta know how to fold ’em. Let’s start by identifying the parts of our flag. This edge is the hoist, and it’s used to… Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?

 Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. Cut. Did you not see we are rolling?

 Excuse me, sorry, excuse me. Cut. Did you not see we are rolling? Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here. And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!

 Cut. Did you not see we are rolling? Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here. And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!

 Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here. And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here!

 Sorry. I’m having dinner with Penny. I have to get out of here. And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here! You okay? No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 And I have flag knowledge that I have to get out of here! You okay? No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 You okay? No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.

 You okay? No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology. Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology? Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?

 No, I’m a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I’m still here. And, take two. Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next 52 weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology. Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology? Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?

 Hang on, Dr. Cooper. What’s vexillology? Vexillology is… why is there a face on that flag?

 No, you should. Absolutely. That was me being pedantic. That’s our first bug. You reported it. I can fix that. See? This is good. All right. Let’s give it a shot. Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange. Okay. Good night, Leonard.

 All right. Let’s give it a shot. Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange. Okay. Good night, Leonard.

 Great. You keep a list, I’ll keep a list. At some point, we’ll exchange. Okay. Good night, Leonard.

 Night. Attaboy, Hofstadter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies. Hey, I’m back. Cut! Take 47.

 Let’s see the new phone. I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me? Really? Me? That’s, like, the best part. Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.

 I stopped on the way to work. Hey, do you want to peel the plastic off with me? Really? Me? That’s, like, the best part. Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.

 Really? Me? That’s, like, the best part. Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.

 Grab a corner. Whoa, what’s your hurry, cowboy? Savour the moment.

 I’ve found six coffee shops. Three of them are fairly close to you. I will see you gentlemen later. She is gonna break his heart.

 Uh, we’re not counting this as a date, are we? Um, I’m not sure, but I think the right answer here is no. Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV. Even Doctor Who?

 Um, I’m not sure, but I think the right answer here is no. Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV. Even Doctor Who?

 Bug report: When a guy asks me to spend time with him, maybe he plans something a little more interesting than hanging out at home, watching TV. Even Doctor Who?

 Yep. So, have a good night. Yep. Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.

 So, have a good night. Yep. Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.

 Yep. Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.

 Look at that. Some day, we will tell future generations that dating used to be hard.

 (chimes) I found ten restaurants whose reviews mention gelato. Seven of them are fairly close to you. Thank you, darling. You are most certainly welcome, sexy. Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.

 Thank you, darling. You are most certainly welcome, sexy. Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.

 You are most certainly welcome, sexy. Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.

 You are most certainly welcome, sexy. Well done, Dr. Koothrappali. I’m sorry? You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.

 Well done, Dr. Koothrappali. I’m sorry? You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.

 I’m sorry? You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos.

 You’ve taken a great evolutionary leap by abandoning human interaction and allowing yourself to romantically bond with a soulless machine. Kudos. I haven’t bonded with it. Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me. It’s just a phone.

 I haven’t bonded with it. Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me. It’s just a phone.

 Oh, no, of course. I understand. You’re afraid the world isn’t ready for your taboo love. Your secret’s safe with me. It’s just a phone.

 Well, thank you for a really cool evening. Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand? Things are looking good. So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.

 Thank you for hiding my Star Wars socks at the emergency room. Is it a good time to evaluate the beta test and see where we stand? Things are looking good. So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.

 Things are looking good. So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.

 So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have.

 Things are looking good. So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have. Good night, you. Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.

 So, are we still taking things slow? Because a gunshot wound today, last week, I slammed my thumb in the kitchen drawer. We don’t know how much time I have. Good night, you. Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian.

 Good night, you. Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian. Und ich bin eine pretzel! Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…

 Guten Tag, das YouTube. Ich bin ein Bavarian. Und ich bin eine pretzel! Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…

 Und ich bin eine pretzel! Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun…

 Thank you. (Enters a door marked “The Office of Siri” Inside is a red-headed woman sitting at a huge console desk.)  Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you’d like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I’m sorry. I don’t understand. No!

 Dave, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you. (To Raj) Hello, sexy. What can I help you with? If you’d like to make love to me, just tell me. (Raj tries to speak) I’m sorry. I don’t understand. No!

 Aaargh. What the hell? Emergency preparedness drill. Oh, no, come on! Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.

 Emergency preparedness drill. Oh, no, come on! Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.

 Oh, no, come on! Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead.

 Oh, no, come on! Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead. I have to get a lock for my door. I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

 Yeah, you know how it works. Once a quarter, keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine, sleepy head. Half the town is probably dead. I have to get a lock for my door. I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

 I have to get a lock for my door. I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe.

 I have to get a lock for my door. I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe. Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

 I think you’ll like the drill tonight. I’ve tried to make it fun. Each of these cards contains a detailed scenario of a possible apocalyptic event. Everything from wild fires to a surprise invasion by Canada. Pick a catastrophe, any catastrophe. Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

 Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

 Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California. Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them? Fine. All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

 Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them? Fine. All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

 Fine. All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest.

 Fine. All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest. Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People. You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?

 All righty! An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames. The streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice. Now, put on your hard hat and safety vest. Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People. You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?

 Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People. You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing?

 Oh, fun. I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of the Village People. You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing? I don’t know, what am I doing? Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

 You make that joke every three months. I still don’t get it. Leonard, wait. What are you doing? I don’t know, what am I doing? Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

 I don’t know, what am I doing? Look around you, there’s hypothetical broken glass everywhere. Really? You’re going to face Armageddon without your orthotics? All right, your choice. (Grabs him and pushes him over) Uh-oh, hypothetical aftershock!

 Are you not looking at me? I am Brown Dynamite. Why do you put six sugars in your coffee? Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine. Emergency drill night last night, huh? Uh-huh.

 Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine. Emergency drill night last night, huh? Uh-huh.

 Emergency drill night last night, huh? Uh-huh. How’d you do? I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.

 Uh-huh. How’d you do? I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.

 How’d you do? I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.

 How’d you do? I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day. You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later? You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.

 I’ll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day. You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later? You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.

 You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later? You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock.

 You know what, I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. I’m going home. Will one of you guys give this nutbag a ride back later? You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock. Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist? Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

 You can’t go home. You have to take me to the dentist at four o’clock. Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist? Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

 Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist? Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

 Oh, can’t you take the bus to the dentist? Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico. They put you under for a cleaning? Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.

 Of course I can. It’s coming back under the residual effects of the anaesthesia, that’s the problem. Two years ago after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico. They put you under for a cleaning? Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.

 They put you under for a cleaning? Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter.

 They put you under for a cleaning? Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter. Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist. Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”

 Yeah, they have to, I’m a biter. Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist. Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”

 Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist. Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.”

 Whatever, Sheldon. I’m exhausted. I’m not taking you to the dentist. Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.” You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. Well, it has. Ask anybody.

 Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the roommate agreement, miscellaneous duties, you are obligated to take me to the dentist. See? It’s right here after providing a confirmation sniff on questionable dairy products.” You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. Well, it has. Ask anybody.

 You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. Well, it has. Ask anybody.

 You know what, I am sick of the roommate agreement. It’s ridiculous. I’m your roommate, not your chauffeur. You know, I had better things to do yesterday than drive you all the way to the good model train store in Garden Grove because the one in Pasadena has gotten too big for its britches. Well, it has. Ask anybody. I don’t care. I’m done. Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

 Well, it has. Ask anybody. I don’t care. I’m done. Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

 I don’t care. I’m done. Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

 I don’t care. I’m done. Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?

 Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?

 I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup?

 I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes. Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup? Where do I sign? Right here. Use your finger.

 Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the roommate agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. (Demonstrating) ‘Sup? Where do I sign? Right here. Use your finger.

 Where do I sign? Right here. Use your finger. There. Done. All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.

 Right here. Use your finger. There. Done. All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.

 There. Done. All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story, you have not got a friend in me.

 I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills. What does that mean? He’s gonna learn to poop in space. Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

 What does that mean? He’s gonna learn to poop in space. Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

 He’s gonna learn to poop in space. Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

 He’s gonna learn to poop in space. Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.

 Open the pod bay doors, HAL. Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.

 Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter.

 Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite. Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter. ‘Sup? ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

 Hello, dear friends. And Dr. Hofstadter. ‘Sup? ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

 ‘Sup? ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

 ‘Sup? ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it. I saved you a dumpling. Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

 ‘Sup? My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it. I saved you a dumpling. Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

 I saved you a dumpling. Oh, your concern for me is touching. It will serve you well when you take me to the dentist tomorrow.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon, I’m busy. I’m right in the middle of my addiction study. I’ve got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow’s the day we switch them to O’Doul’s. You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go? Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know? Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

 You’re my girlfriend and you’re not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where’d the magic go? Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know? Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

 Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know? Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

 Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?

 Sheldon, that’s not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don’t use them for what they’re for, so what do I know? Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right? Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid. Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

 Howard doesn’t make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right? Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid. Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

 Absolutely. But when Ma’s hips give out, you’re up, kid. Well, if Amy’s too busy, that gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier, thus assuring yourselves a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled You’re Welcome, Mankind. All right, then, just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake. Uh, dentist. Okay, we can circle back to that one. Um, well, who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes? Anyone? Oh. That one had hoot written all over it. Um, all right, uh, dermatologist? Allergist? Podiatrist? Supercuts? Okay, okay, here’s a fun one. Um, I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs. Who wants to spend the day with me at IKEA?

 Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today? No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person. Ninth? You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?

 No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favourite person. Ninth? You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?

 Ninth? You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you?

 Ninth? You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you? Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note. Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?

 You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates. So, uh, how are you? Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note. Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?

 Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note. Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive?

 Uh, not so good. My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note. Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive? Yeah. And your father? Alive?

 Great. Great. So, what’s new with your family? How’s your mother? Is she alive? Yeah. And your father? Alive?

 Yeah. And your father? Alive? Yes. How about your grandparents, they alive?

 And your father? Alive? Yes. How about your grandparents, they alive?

 Yes. How about your grandparents, they alive? No. Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?

 How about your grandparents, they alive? No. Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?

 No. Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy?

 No. Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy? I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist? Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.

 Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss. On a cheerier note, I have a teeth-cleaning appointment this afternoon. What do you say you take me over there, buddy boy? I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist? Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.

 I’m sorry, you want me to take you to the dentist? Yes. And now, I can’t make any promises, but that’s the sort of thing that gets a fella on the short list for the number eight friend slot.

 No, they ended up calling me Sock Mouth. Because they took away my yo-yo and stuffed their socks in my mouth. Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I’ll call you and they’ll hear it. Plant the seed. That’s actually not a terrible plan. They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.

 Okay, uh, what if we make Rocket Man your ringtone, and the next time you talk to those guys, I’ll call you and they’ll hear it. Plant the seed. That’s actually not a terrible plan. They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.

 That’s actually not a terrible plan. They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing.

 That’s actually not a terrible plan. They don’t call me Brown Dynamite for nothing. ‘Sup? ‘Sup?

 ‘Sup? ‘Sup? Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist? Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.

 ‘Sup? Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist? Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.

 Hey, did you ever make it to the dentist? Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind.

 Not necessary. No. I found a service that’ll send a van to your house for a teeth cleaning. Mostly they cater to dogs, but the fellow on the phone seemed to have an open mind. All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist. Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement? Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.

 All right, Sheldon, if you need me to take you to the dentist, I will take you to the dentist. Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement? Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.

 Are you suggesting that you’ve come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement? Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.

 Absolutely. If you admit that you’re a 30-year-old man who’s incapable of functioning on his own.

 Oh, good, your power’s out, too. Why is that good? Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.

 Why is that good? Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.

 Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.

 Because last month, I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra. Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol. What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.

 Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol. What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.

 What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you.

 What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor? Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you. It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon. And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

 Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it’s too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It’s not for you. It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon. And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

 It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon. And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

 It’s just a blackout, I’m sure the power will be back on soon. And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first. You know, I got some candles in my apartment. But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

 And I’m sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first. You know, I got some candles in my apartment. But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

 You know, I got some candles in my apartment. But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.

 You know, I got some candles in my apartment. But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick. You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go. Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.

 But candles? During a blackout? Are you mad? That’s a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick. You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go. Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.

 You call that a glow stick? That is a glow stick. Come on, let’s go. Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.

 You know, in Girl Scouts, Tammie Dinisha said you could do that with panty hose. Boy, was she wrong. Anyway, you want to make out? I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow. Okay. Do you want to make out slow? I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.

 I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow. Okay. Do you want to make out slow? I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.

 Okay. Do you want to make out slow? I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth.

 Okay. Do you want to make out slow? I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth. Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now. Excuse me, Leonard.

 I can go so slow it’ll be like there’s a snail in your mouth. Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now. Excuse me, Leonard.

 Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now. Excuse me, Leonard.

 Ugh. Well, lucky for you, there’s nothing else to do right now. Excuse me, Leonard. Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you. Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

 Excuse me, Leonard. Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you. Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

 Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you. Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

 Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you. Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day. Fine, what is it? I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.

 Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We’re in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day. Fine, what is it? I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.

 Fine, what is it? I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.

 Fine, what is it? I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire. S’mores, huh? Good for you. Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.

 I’m making s’mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire. S’mores, huh? Good for you. Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.

 S’mores, huh? Good for you. Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.

 No, he’s crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it’ll suck you back in. I think he misses his little buddy. Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.

 I think he misses his little buddy. Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.

 Fine. But mark my words, this frustrating, bogus teenage make-out session is not over.

 I thought you said candles were dangerous. This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water. Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement. What are you proposing?

 This is a Bunsen burner. I’m a scientist, I know what I’m doing. Oh, drat. (His s’more is on fire. He dunks it in a glass of water.) Aw. It took me a gallon of urine to make that water. Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement. What are you proposing?

 Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement. What are you proposing?

 Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don’t see why we can’t be friends. And I’m willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don’t want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement. What are you proposing? That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. And how would I do that?

 What are you proposing? That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. And how would I do that?

 That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. And how would I do that?

 That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation. And how would I do that? You say thank you. Every time?

 You say thank you. Every time? It’s not crazy. Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.

 Every time? It’s not crazy. Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.

 It’s not crazy. Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day.

 It’s not crazy. Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day. I kind of like the sound of that. Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.

 Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard’s Day. I kind of like the sound of that. Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.

 I kind of like the sound of that. Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water.

 I kind of like the sound of that. Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water. So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day? No.

 Of course you do. It’s about you, like everything else. (Lights come back on) Oh, thank goodness. I don’t think I had it in me to make another glass of water. So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day? No.

 So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard’s Day? No. Can I sit in your spot? No.

 No. Do I get a card? Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day. Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.

 Do I get a card? Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day. Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.

 Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day. Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.

 Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch.

 Of course you get a card. It’s Leonard’s Day. Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch. Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon? Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.

 Hey, guys, the building manager said the reason the power went out is someone went down into the basement and just pulled the main breaker switch. Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon? Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.

 Really. Who do you think did that, Sheldon? Oh, I don’t know. But whoever that mystery man was, you should be eternally grateful, for without him, there would be no Leonard’s Day.

 Five. Uh-huh. And an irrational constant. E. And a funny Greek letter.

 Uh-huh. And an irrational constant. E. And a funny Greek letter.

 Gamma. I said funny. Upsilon? Good one. And an electrical charge.

 Upsilon? Good one. And an electrical charge. Positive. Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)

 Good one. And an electrical charge. Positive. Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)

 Positive. Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again)

 Positive. Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again) I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error. Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.

 Ha. Perfect. Okay. Get this. Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of E to the upsilon as in a (laughs uncontrollably). Okay. No, no. I’ll start over. Professor (laughs again) I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error. Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.

 I haven’t seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error. Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn’t.

 Hey, guys, guys, President Siebert is headed this way. I wonder what he wants. Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon. Dr. Cooper?

 I wonder what he wants. Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon. Dr. Cooper?

 Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon. Dr. Cooper?

 Doesn’t look happy, so I’m guessing he wants to talk to Sheldon. Dr. Cooper? Told ya. Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

 Dr. Cooper? Told ya. Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

 Told ya. Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office.

 Told ya. Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office. No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere. You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.

 Oh, President Siebert, I assume you’d like to respond to one of the suggestions I put in the box by your office. No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere. You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.

 No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere. You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions.

 No, and stop installing suggestion boxes everywhere. You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions. Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation. I don’t need a vacation.

 You don’t like written suggestions. You don’t like when I give them to you while we’re urinating in the men’s room. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that you’re one of those stubborn people who are not open to suggestions. Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation. I don’t need a vacation.

 Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation. I don’t need a vacation.

 Dr. Cooper, the physics department chair tells me you’re refusing to take your vacation. I don’t need a vacation. You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you. But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?

 I don’t need a vacation. You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you. But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?

 You’re obligated to take one. And I’d also like you to know the most-often received suggestion in my suggestion box you installed without asking me is can Dr. Cooper take a vacation? Okay, settled, then. I’ll see you all on Monday, except for you. But if I don’t come into work, what am I supposed to do with myself?

 That tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good night, and tonight’s gonna be a good, good night! Tonight’s the night, uh, uh, let’s live it up, uh, I got my money, let’s spend it up… Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling! What the hell are you doing? Bleeding from my ears.

 Good Lord! Would you stop that caterwauling! What the hell are you doing? Bleeding from my ears.

 What the hell are you doing? Bleeding from my ears. What are you doing hiding back there? I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.

 Bleeding from my ears. What are you doing hiding back there? I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.

 What are you doing hiding back there? I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps.

 What are you doing hiding back there? I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps. Lobster traps? Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

 I’m sneaking into work. Now, if the guard at the university asks what’s under the blanket, you tell him it’s some lobster traps. Lobster traps? Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

 Lobster traps? Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

 Lobster traps? Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse. What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you. Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)

 Yes. That’s how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse. What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you. Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)

 What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you. Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig)

 What are you going to do when you get to the university? People are going to recognize you. Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig) Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there. And no more singing.

 Will they, Leonard? (Puts on cap and long-hair wig) Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there. And no more singing.

 Fine. Just get back under your blanket, and I’ll drive you there. And no more singing.

 I don’t know, I don’t want to manipulate him with sex. Oh, sweetie, that’s what sex is for. You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.

 Oh, sweetie, that’s what sex is for. You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.

 You know, the connection between marriage and money is nothing new. In fact, the term wed referred to the money and livestock that the groom paid the bride’s father. For example, you’re adorable, intelligent and a good earner. I could conservatively see you going for at least two oxen and a goose. (To Penny) You would fetch a unicorn.

 How about Florida? They’ve got Cape Canaveral, they’ve got Disney, they’ve got my Aunt Ida and the world’s largest collection of diabetic candy. Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride. My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message. You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones. I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.

 My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message. You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones. I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.

 You know, if I had a week off, I’d go back to the Two Bunch Palms Resort and Spa in the desert. I tell you, an hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you’ll feel like you were born without bones. I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.

 I don’t think I could ever let a guy give me a massage. Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box? It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life. I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.

 Really? What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing X-Box? It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life. I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.

 It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life. I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships.

 It’s like I’m living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life. I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships. Sheldon, everybody takes vacations. One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.

 I don’t think you have a good handle on dictatorships. Sheldon, everybody takes vacations. One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.

 Sheldon, everybody takes vacations. One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project.

 Sheldon, everybody takes vacations. One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project. Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was. Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.

 One time they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend’s biology lab. Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan Project. Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was. Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.

 Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was. Now you do, too. Oh! I have a brilliant idea. Amy’s a biologist. I’ll go work in her lab.

 Well, tell you one thing, if I ever do get married, no Klingon invitations. Good luck catching a man with that attitude.

 I’m excited to work with my boyfriend. It’s gonna be romantic. Way to kill the mood. Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell. Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!

 Way to kill the mood. Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell. Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!

 Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell. Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak!

 Come on, Sheldon. We can be like Marie Curie and her husband, Pierre, who spent their days working side by side, bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, that’s the love story Disney should tell. Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak! Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers. Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

 Okay, what do we start with? Maybe splicing some genes, clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse’s back? Ha-ha, I’m a freak! Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers. Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

 Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers. Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich?

 Oh, I’m gonna be doing some brain stem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers. Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich? No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny. What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

 Wash those bea… Oh, I get it, a little hazing for the new fella. Yeah, I’d better keep and eye out for, what, shoe polish on the microscope, or mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich? No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny. What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

 No, I just need those beakers washed. Hippity-hop, quick like a bunny. What? Excuse me, you have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You’re gonna make him do the dishes? That’s like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.

 I’ve got some rare comic books. The Vespa’s almost paid off. And Ma and I have a primo double cemetery plot at Mt. Sinai right near the guy who played Mr. Roper on Three’s Company. Mr. Roper’s dead? You can’t just spring that on a guy.

 Soap spots. Wash ’em again. Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean. Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it. Biologists are mean.

 Y-you’re being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean. Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it. Biologists are mean.

 Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it. Biologists are mean.

 Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it’s, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it. Biologists are mean. All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes. There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

 Biologists are mean. All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes. There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

 All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes. There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

 All right, perhaps this task will be a little bit more up your alley. I need you to count the bacteria spores on these petri dishes. There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly. I’m sure it was. I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.

 There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly. I’m sure it was. I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.

 I’m sure it was. I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter.

 There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly. I’m sure it was. I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter. Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.

 I’m sure it was. I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter. Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.

 I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter. Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting.

 I intend to write that soap company a strongly worded letter. Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting. You know what this place needs? A suggestion box. 366… 367…

 Yeah, good for you. Now, start counting. You know what this place needs? A suggestion box. 366… 367…

 You know what this place needs? A suggestion box. 366… 367… How’s it going? How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.

 366… 367… How’s it going? How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.

 How’s it going? How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this.

 366… 367… How’s it going? How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this. Great.

 How’s it going? How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this. Great.

 How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this. Great.

 How’s counting going? When I was in kindergarten, I recited pi to a thousand places for the school talent show. I think I got this. Great. Aw, nuts! One… This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.

 Great. Aw, nuts! One… This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.

 Aw, nuts! One… This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up.

 Aw, nuts! One… This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up. Really? Is that what you think? Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.

 This is preposterous. I think you’re giving me these tasks because you’re afraid if you give me anything meaningful to do, I’ll show you up. Really? Is that what you think? Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.

 Really? Is that what you think? Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true.

 Really? Is that what you think? Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true. Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom. I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

 Yes, that’s what I think. And I’m super smart, so it’s probably true. Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom. I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

 Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom. I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet.

 Hey, I’ve been training in the field of neurobiology for 12 years. You’ve been here for three hours, and you’ve spent one of them in the bathroom. I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet. Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right. Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.

 I’m sorry. It takes me a while to get things going on an unfamiliar toilet. Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right. Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.

 Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right. Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math.

 Sheldon, I’ve given you the simplest things to do, and you haven’t done one of them right. Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math. Maybe the math was too bubbly for him. You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.

 Maybe that’s because I’m not being challenged. It’s the same reason Einstein failed math. Maybe the math was too bubbly for him. You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.

 Maybe the math was too bubbly for him. You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too.

 Maybe the math was too bubbly for him. You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too. Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it. All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.

 You think you’re doing science by cutting up that brain? They could do the same thing at any Quiznos. And they’d offer to toast it for me, too. Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it. All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.

 Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it. All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus.

 Okay, smart guy. I’m about to remove the locus coeruleus, which is incredibly delicate work. Have at it. All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus. You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you. It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.

 All right. I’m no stranger to a little gray matter. Locus coeruleus. Locus coeruleus. You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you. It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.

 You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you. It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house.

 You’re getting warmer, it is, indeed, in the brain. Hope your hands are steady. It’s the width of a single hair. But this is just biology, so I’m sure it’s no problem for a genius like you. It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house. Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper? No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

 It’s not. I’ll have you know, in the field of physics, we work with particles so small, they make fat jokes about the locus coeruleus, i.e., when your locus coeruleus sits around the house, it sits around the house. Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper? No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

 Oh, are we nervous, Dr. Cooper? No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence. Does a locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?

 No. But your thumb does. Oh, dear. (Faints) Yeah, you’re a biologist.

 What are you doing here? I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid. What happened to your thumb? You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.

 I’m on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid. What happened to your thumb? You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.

 What happened to your thumb? You know, I have ten fingers and ten toes. If I tell you a story about each one of them, we’ll be here all day, let’s just move on.

 Hey, what are you guys doing here? We’re grown men, we drink at bars. No and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette? Oh, yeah, sure.

 We’re grown men, we drink at bars. No and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette? Oh, yeah, sure.

 No and no. Everything okay with you and Bernadette? Oh, yeah, sure.

 You and Amy? Good? Oh, better than good. You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens. I’m not signing a pre-nup.

 Oh, better than good. You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens. I’m not signing a pre-nup.

 You know those girls text me every detail of their lives as it happens. I’m not signing a pre-nup.

 All right, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not gonna happen, we had a meeting. And you, a grown man fainting at the sight of a little blood. Excuse me, this is a fairly substantial wound. (Removes plaster. Faints again)

 What do you want? I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week. Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday? I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.

 I was kind of hoping I could continue vacationing in your laboratory. After all, I did book the whole week. Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday? I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.

 Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday? I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.

 Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday? I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood. That’s not an apology. That is your opinion.

 I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood. That’s not an apology. That is your opinion.

 That’s not an apology. That is your opinion. I want a real apology. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…

 That is your opinion. I want a real apology. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to…

 I want a real apology. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to… No. That my genius…

 I wonder how long Sheldon’s got. These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in. Can’t be very long. Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.

 These shrimp are all the same size. There’s no the logical order to eat them in. Can’t be very long. Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.

 Can’t be very long. Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad.

 Can’t be very long. Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad. Yeah. Mm, indeed.

 Hey, look, there’s Rothman’s empty office. Sad. Yeah. Mm, indeed.

 So sad. Dibs. What’s up, fewwas? What are you doing here, Kripke?

 What’s up, fewwas? What are you doing here, Kripke? Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes. This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.

 What are you doing here, Kripke? Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes. This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.

 Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes. This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet.

 Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes. This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet. Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box. Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

 This is not your office. It hasn’t been assigned yet. Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box. Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

 Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box. Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.

 No problem. Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow.

 Now? You realize I’m your boss, and I am holding my penis? Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies. What do you want? Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

 Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I’m sowwy. This guy’s got no wespect for boundawies. What do you want? Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

 What do you want? Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

 Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine?

 What do you want? Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine? Can’t you take this up with your department chairman? We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

 Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman’s office is wightfully mine? Can’t you take this up with your department chairman? We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

 Can’t you take this up with your department chairman? We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut.

 Can’t you take this up with your department chairman? We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut. Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it. Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

 We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut. Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it. Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

 Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it. Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first.

 Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first. Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate. Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam. Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

 Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I’m sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate. Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam. Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

 Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam. Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

 Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind.

 Oh, he’s just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam. Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind. Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak. Kripke?

 Gentlemen, I’m going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you’re both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman’s office, I couldn’t give the furry crack of a rat’s behind. Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak. Kripke?

 Well, as wong as we’re here, I might as well take a weak. Kripke?

 Would you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick. It’s numbered. Ooh, limited edition. Nice. Oh, that’ll be Kripke.

 It’s numbered. Ooh, limited edition. Nice. Oh, that’ll be Kripke.

 Ooh, limited edition. Nice. Oh, that’ll be Kripke. What’s he doing here? We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

 Oh, that’ll be Kripke. What’s he doing here? We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

 What’s he doing here? We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea.

 What’s he doing here? We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea. Cooper. Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?

 We’re going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to poison his tea. Cooper. Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup?

 Cooper. Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup? Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…

 Kripke. Come in. I’m making tea. Would you like a cup? Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…

 Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship…

 Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don’t want tea. Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship… We’re not fwiends. Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

 Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship… We’re not fwiends. Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

 We’re not fwiends. Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.

 Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that. How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon? You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea? How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

 How about I take Wothman’s office, and you go suck a wemon? You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea? How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

 You sure I can’t get you that cup of tea? How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

 How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?

 How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? What the fwig is that? Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass. Hail.

 What the fwig is that? Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass. Hail.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass. Hail.

 Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass. Hail. How does it work? Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Hail. How does it work? Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 How does it work? Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 How does it work? Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that? Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that? Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that? Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 I’m sowwy. Can you wepeat that? Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. Almost got it. One more time. Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…

 Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. Almost got it. One more time. Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…

 Almost got it. One more time. Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock…

 Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock… Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you. Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things. It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.

 Sheldon, stop. He’s screwing with you. Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things. It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.

 Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I’d smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things. It’s the 21st century. You can’t have a duel.

 It’s gonna be hard to find something you’re both equally good at. Is there anything you’re both equally bad at? Sports.

 It’s out, wight? Time. Wan out of woom. You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us? Yeah.

 Time. Wan out of woom. You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us? Yeah.

 You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us? Yeah.

 I get it. Hey! He did that on purpose, No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office. Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.

 Hey! He did that on purpose, No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office. Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.

 No, he didn’t. Nothing that’s happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let’s try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office. Making it too easy there, Hofstadter.

 Making it too easy there, Hofstadter. No. No, I’m not. Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force. Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

 No. No, I’m not. Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force. Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

 Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I’m gonna need more force. Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

 Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that?

 Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn’t come down.) Do I get points for that? All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else. What do you propose? Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

 All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It’s no longer funny. Let’s try something else. What do you propose? Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

 What do you propose? Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

 Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.

 Oh, you are going down, Cooper. I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day. All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three. Sheldon was higher.

 I don’t think so, Kripke. I’ve bounced many a rubber ball in my day. All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three. Sheldon was higher.

 All right, that’s enough trash talk. One, two, three. Sheldon was higher.

 I’m happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I’m going to miss sharing an office with you. Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time. Thank you. Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

 Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time. Thank you. Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

 Thank you. Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.)

 We’re going to go put this painting back up in your apartment. Well, what about Bernadette? Oh, screw her. She’s just lucky we let her hang out with us.

 Well, what about Bernadette? Oh, screw her. She’s just lucky we let her hang out with us.

 What are you doing? I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt. Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat? Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

 I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt. Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat? Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

 Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat? Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

 Why don’t you just turn up the thermostat? Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause. Why is there a hole here? Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

 Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn’t in my new office. No. It’s next door, in Professor Davenport’s office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause. Why is there a hole here? Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

 Why is there a hole here? Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

 Why is there a hole here? Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out. Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice. Is it? Listen.

 Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out. Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice. Is it? Listen.

 Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice. Is it? Listen.

 Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That’s nice. Is it? Listen. What, you don’t like wind chimes? No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.

 Is it? Listen. What, you don’t like wind chimes? No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.

 What, you don’t like wind chimes? No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.

 What, you don’t like wind chimes? No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is. The bird? Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.

 No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is. The bird? Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.

 The bird? Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes.

 The bird? Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes. So? You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

 Yeah, It’s completely out of tune with the wind chimes. So? You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

 So? You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it?

 So? You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it? The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep. No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

 You don’t get it, do you? That’s a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he’s out of tune on purpose. He’s mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it? The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep. No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

 The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep. No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

 The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep. No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around! Sheldon, relax. How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

 No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they’re running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around! Sheldon, relax. How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

 Sheldon, relax. How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.

 Why would you do that? It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter. Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)

 It’s called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter. Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)

 Hang in there. I’ll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)

 I’m just gonna run to the store and get a few things. I’ll pick you up when you’re done. Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right. Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.

 Okay. I like it a little better when you stay, but all right. Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.

 Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio.

 Hey, Sheldon. Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio. I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick. Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?

 Hello. I’m here for my haircut with Mr. D’Onofrio. I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick. Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?

 I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick. Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?

 I’m sorry, Uncle Tony’s in the hospital. He’s pretty sick. Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me? I can cut it for you. You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?

 Oh, dear, Mr. D’Onofrio’s in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me? I can cut it for you. You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?

 I can cut it for you. You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy?

 I can cut it for you. You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy? Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber. He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.

 You’re not Mr. D’Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D’Onofrio. You believe this guy? Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber. He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.

 Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber. He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas.

 Excuse us for a second. Sheldon, it’s okay, he can do it. He’s a barber. He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas. What are you talking about? When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.

 He’s not a barber, he’s the nephew. He’s an example of the kind of nepotism that runs rampant in the barbering industry. Besides, Mr. D’Onofrio knows exactly how I like my hair done because he has all my haircut records from my barber in Texas. What are you talking about? When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.

 What are you talking about? When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio.

 What are you talking about? When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio. There’s no such thing as haircut records. Yes, there are.

 When I first moved here I was nervous about finding a new barber, so my mother had all my haircut records sent here to Mr. D’Onofrio. There’s no such thing as haircut records. Yes, there are.

 There’s no such thing as haircut records. Yes, there are. Have you ever seen them? No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?

 Yes, there are. Have you ever seen them? No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?

 Have you ever seen them? No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records?

 Have you ever seen them? No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records? Your what? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

 No, but my mother assured me they were sent here, and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that this one doesn’t have them. Uh, excuse me. Do you have access to my haircut records? Your what? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

 Your what? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

 Your what? To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew. Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it. Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)

 To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew. Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it. Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)

 Sheldon, you’re a grown man, he’s a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it. Fine, but if I come out of this looking like a dork, it’s on you. (Sits)

 Nope. (Runs out) When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.

 When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.

 But it says eight a.m. You read it as oh eight hundred. It doesn’t have an oh in front of it. You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.

 You read it as oh eight hundred. It doesn’t have an oh in front of it. You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.

 It doesn’t have an oh in front of it. You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.

 You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy.

 It doesn’t have an oh in front of it. You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy. So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that? I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.

 You know what does have an oh in front of it? Oh, my God, I’m an astronaut, and you’re dying of jealousy. So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that? I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.

 So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that? I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob.

 So, what kind of things are they… (to Sheldon) will you stop that? I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob. You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you. Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…

 I can’t help it, I feel like a teen heartthrob. You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you. Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…

 You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother’s hair. I could do it for you. Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill folk, but, um, here in town we don’t churn our own butter, we don’t, uh, make dresses out of gunny sacks, and, uh, we sure as shootin’ don’t get our hair cut by bottle-blonde…

 You could go to my guy. He’s at Juan-Juan in Beverly Hills. They bring you a cup of tea, they’ll massage your scalp. It’s about two hundred dollars, but sometimes you look in the next chair and you see a superstar like Tony Danza. Quick question here, have we actually changed the conversation from I’m going Now who’s dying of jealousy? Oh, it’s you.

 Quick question here, have we actually changed the conversation from I’m going Now who’s dying of jealousy? Oh, it’s you.

 I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted… I’m wanted… wanted, dead or alive. Sheldon, you’re ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night. I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it. What about Supercuts? I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

 I’m sorry. I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond. I mean, if you’re quiet, you can hear it. What about Supercuts? I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

 What about Supercuts? I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

 Sure, why? I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.

 I got a look at the centrifuge they’re going to spin me around in tomorrow, and I have a hunch I packed a little light.

 Can I help you? Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape? Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure? Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.

 Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape? Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure? Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.

 Oh, dear, did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure? Oh, no, no, I’m just here to get my hair cut.

 You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh, it’s your first real game. I threw a lot of information at you. Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can’t go here because of my lighthouse, and he can’t go here because of my pointy-head guy. Like I said, complicated game. So did I win or not?

 Well, no, I mean, your king is trapped. He can’t go here because of my lighthouse, and he can’t go here because of my pointy-head guy. Like I said, complicated game. So did I win or not?

 So did I win or not? Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about. Hello. Hey.

 Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. Now that’s, that-that’s what chess is all about. Hello. Hey.

 Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move. Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make? Okay, what just happened? I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

 Eh, why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make? Okay, what just happened? I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

 Okay, what just happened? I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

 I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

 Okay, what just happened? I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events. Uh, sweetie, are you all right? No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

 I don’t know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I’m guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events. Uh, sweetie, are you all right? No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

 Uh, sweetie, are you all right? No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

 Uh, sweetie, are you all right? No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened. Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Leonard, explain it to her.

 No, I’m not all right. It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened. Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Leonard, explain it to her.

 Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Leonard, explain it to her.

 Leonard, explain it to her. Oh, uh, he’s crazy. I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time. Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.

 Oh, uh, he’s crazy. I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time. Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.

 I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time. Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.

 I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day. But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time. Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge. You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.

 Good. I’m taking that disgusting chart off the fridge. You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.

 You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point.

 You know, Sh-Sheldon, sometimes it’s nice not knowing what’s coming. I mean, look at me and Leonard. We went out, we broke up, now we’re trying again. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point. I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit. You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.

 Oh, please, everyone knows what’s going to happen. But I see your point. I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit. You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.

 I think this could be good for you. Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit. You’re right. I should embrace the chaos.

 Thanks, honey, but I can’t quit. If I do, I’ll just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up. Well, is there anything I could do to help? No. Wait. Send more underwear.

 Well, is there anything I could do to help? No. Wait. Send more underwear.

 Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos. Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.

 Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos. Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.

 Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.

 Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning. Three in the morning is a good time for bongos. I was sleeping. Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.

 Three in the morning is a good time for bongos. I was sleeping. Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.

 Leonard no sleep while I play bongos. Bongo solo. Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it! What the hell?! Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.

 Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it! What the hell?! Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos.

 Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos. Why did you get bongos? Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try. Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.

 Why did you get bongos? Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try. Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.

 Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try. Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.

 Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try. Richard Feynman was a famous physicist. Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt. Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

 Richard Feynman was a famous physicist. Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt. Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

 Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt. Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

 Oh, Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning. I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt. Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive. Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

 Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive. Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

 Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

 Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world. W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m. Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.

 Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world. W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m. Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.

 W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement. No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m. Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos. Roommate agreement.

 Poor guy. He must have been exhausted. Sheldon like to sleep while Leonard play the bongo! That was kind of uncalled for. No, it was called for. What’s going on?

 That was kind of uncalled for. No, it was called for. What’s going on?

 All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair. Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records. All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once. I’m sorry, duh, what?

 Penny, you’re not trained. You’re not licensed. Most importantly, you don’t have access to my haircut records. All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once. I’m sorry, duh, what?

 All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once. I’m sorry, duh, what?

 All right, honey, look, we’ve known each other for a long time now, right? I’ve taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you’re sick, you’ve even saw me naked once. I’m sorry, duh, what? It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair. Amy, what do you think?

 I’m sorry, duh, what? It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair. Amy, what do you think?

 It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I’m doing. Please let me cut your hair. Amy, what do you think?

 Amy, what do you think? There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim. Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch. There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?

 There’s not a hair on my body I wouldn’t let this woman trim. Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch. There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?

 Fine, let’s go. Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch. There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed?

 There’s only so many times a woman can say how about the bed? What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked? Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.

 What’s this about Sheldon seeing you naked? Oh, relax. It was just her bottom and her breasts.

 Almost done. At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke. Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes. That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.

 At the end of the haircut, Mr. D’Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke. Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes. That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.

 Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes. That’s okay, I never understood them anyway.

 Well, sorry, I don’t know any dirty jokes. That’s okay, I never understood them anyway. Okay, what do you think? Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.

 That’s okay, I never understood them anyway. Okay, what do you think? Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.

 Okay, what do you think? Hmm, well, it’s a little Hollywood. But I think I can pull it off. Well done, Penny.

 All right, let’s do it. 48 hours of Star Wars gaming. It’s on like Alderaan. Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon

 48 hours of Star Wars gaming. It’s on like Alderaan. Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon

 It’s on like Alderaan. Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon

 Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon

 It’s on like Alderaan. Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon Woo-hoo! Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!

 Hey, Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars< marathon Woo-hoo! Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!

 Woo-hoo! Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!

 Woo-hoo! Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all! We are going to play the online game. The online game? Bully!

 Movies or video games? Or board game? Or trading card games? Or Lego’s? Or dress up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all! We are going to play the online game. The online game? Bully!

 We are going to play the online game. The online game? Bully! Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party. Just tell her I can’t come.

 The online game? Bully! Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party. Just tell her I can’t come.

 Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party. Just tell her I can’t come.

 Gentlemen, as much as I’m sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora’s 93rd birthday party. Just tell her I can’t come. She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up. She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.

 Just tell her I can’t come. She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up. She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.

 She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up. She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long.

 She’ll be disappointed if we don’t show up. She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long. No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none. Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

 She’s 93. She won’t be disappointed for very long. No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none. Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

 No, hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written record request 72 hours in advance. I checked the tyre pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centres For Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it’s none. Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.

 Amy, the relationship agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way. You use it to get your way. I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence. You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.

 You use it to get your way. I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence. You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.

 I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence. You gave me your word. You’re coming with me.

 I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence. You gave me your word. You’re coming with me. We’ll miss you, Sheldon. Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.

 You gave me your word. You’re coming with me. We’ll miss you, Sheldon. Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.

 We’ll miss you, Sheldon. Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made up monsters. That’s for babies.

 Yeah, but it’s got lightsabres. Yeah, please, Amy! It’s got lightsabres!

 Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything? Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift? Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane. Do you supply the the tennis ball?

 Yes. I’m attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift? Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane. Do you supply the the tennis ball?

 Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane. Do you supply the the tennis ball?

 Uh, I don’t know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane. Do you supply the the tennis ball? No. Then no. What else?

 No. Then no. What else? Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy. Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

 Then no. What else? Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy. Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

 Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy. Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume.

 Hmm. Oh, have this collectors edition Batman utility belt. Maybe she can use it as a wearable pill caddy. Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume. I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got. Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.

 Well, she’d just look silly wearing that without the rest of the costume. I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got. Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.

 I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got. Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for.

 I’m sorry Sheldon, that’s it. That’s all I got. Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for. I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems. No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.

 Oh, it’s not your fault. I’ve been to the model train store. I’ve been to Radio Shack. This woman is impossible to shop for. I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems. No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.

 I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t in shock that Sheldon has girl problems. No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom.

 No, Leonard, go ahead and mock. Like my daddy always said, Shelly, women aren’t anything but flippin’ pains in the bottom. That’s what your father used to say? Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist. Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

 That’s what your father used to say? Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist. Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

 Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist. Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

 Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller.

 Well, I took out the bad words and the yeehaw, but you get the gist. Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller. I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help. Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

 Look, if you don’t want to go to the party, just don’t go. You’re a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends. Maybe she’ll dig it. Women like a firm hand on the tiller. I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help. Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

 I can never find the tiller. I got a book; it didn’t help. Yeah, I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet, not some hotsy-totsy from Glendale.

 Ay papi? What is that? An acting choice. Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez? Choo got a problem with that, papi?

 An acting choice. Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez? Choo got a problem with that, papi?

 Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez? Choo got a problem with that, papi?

 Oh. So you chose that when you become turned on, you turn into Speedy Gonzalez? Choo got a problem with that, papi? Uh-uh. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!

 Choo got a problem with that, papi? Uh-uh. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!

 Uh-uh. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny!

 Uh-uh. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here. Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny! Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here. Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.

 Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here. Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.

 Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here. Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift. Gummy bears? Thank you. Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.

 Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift. Gummy bears? Thank you. Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.

 Gummy bears? Thank you. Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party.

 Now that you’re in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt’s tedious birthday party. Not a chance. All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes. Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.

 Not a chance. All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes. Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.

 All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes. Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.

 Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once.

 All right. I thought the candy might not be enough so let me up the ante. These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. Um, oh, this one is for one free grammar check. Uh, you could use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Um, oh, this is fun one. This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes. Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once. All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship. Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?

 Keep an eye on those expiration dates, I’ve been burned more than once. All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship. Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?

 All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship. Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me?

 All right, sweetie, I’m not going to get involved in your relationship. Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me? Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?

 Oh, come on. It’s just a simple favour. Now, when’s the last time I asked you to do something for me? Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?

 Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency?

 Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency? Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.

 When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn’t a medical emergency? Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.

 Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it. All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.

 All right, then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B. What’s that? I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

 What’s that? I’m going to run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

 Good morning. Hello. I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth. All right.

 Hello. I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth. All right.

 I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth. All right.

 I think you’re really going to enjoy yourself today. Not only do you get to meet my relatives, but since my aunt’s nursing home is catering the party, all of the food is incredibly soft. It’s like a vacation for your teeth. All right. You sure you’re okay with this? Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

 All right. You sure you’re okay with this? Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

 You sure you’re okay with this? Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it.

 You sure you’re okay with this? Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it. Thank you. That means a lot to me. Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

 Yes. I decided to find a way that I could have this experience and enjoy it. Thank you. That means a lot to me. Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

 Thank you. That means a lot to me. Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends.

 Thank you. That means a lot to me. Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends. Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude? Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.

 Oh, don’t thank me. Thank wireless technology. I realized, I can go to your aunt’s awful party and still spend the whole day gaming with my friends. Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude? Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.

 Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you, and you’re going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn’t that a little rude? Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won’t hear a word the old geezers are saying.

 Here you go. I’ve got everything we’ll need for the big game. Low fat turkey jerky, low-carb beer, 100-calorie snack packs. You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one. Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much. Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

 You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one. Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much. Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

 Hey, I plan on levelling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much. Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side, or the Sith Empire and the dark side.

 Hey, guys, I got a surprise. Uh, if it’s yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it. No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah. What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.

 Uh, if it’s yoghurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it. No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah. What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.

 No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah. What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.

 What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.

 No. Bernadette’s going to be playing with us. So, that’s pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah. What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend. I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now. Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?

 What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend. I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now. Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?

 I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don’t we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn’t answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she’s parking the car right now. Is the whip sound app contextually appropriate here?

 Mm. You know, Amy, sometimes when you’re in a relationship with someone you really care about, the sucky part is, it leaves you open to getting hurt. Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you? That’s hilarious. No.

 Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you? That’s hilarious. No.

 All right, I think we got them all. Let’s divide up the loot. Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we’ll match. But I worked hard to get this armour. Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.

 Ooh, look at this pretty purple robe I just got. You should put on yours and then we’ll match. But I worked hard to get this armour. Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.

 But I worked hard to get this armour. Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.

 Sorry, I just thought it’d be nice if people knew we were a couple.

 I don’t think I’d be good at that. That’s why you’re lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I’m not allowed into. Both Chili’s.

 That’s why you’re lucky to have me. Back in Omaha, there are two different restaurants I’m not allowed into. Both Chili’s.

 Sheldon Cooper, I’ve got a bone to pick with you, and I’m about to do it in front of all your friends. Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean! I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour. Ooh, burn!

 Yeah, you pick that bone. You pick that bone clean! I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour. Ooh, burn!

 I’m gonna publicly shame you, and then sit back as societal pressure compels you to modify your behaviour. Ooh, burn!

 Sheldon, she wanted to show you off to her family, and you stood her up, okay? Look at this adorable, smushy face. Smush, smush, smush, smush. You’re hurting me. No, Sheldon hurt you. Before; now it’s you.

 Before; now it’s you. Oh. I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution. Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…

 Oh. I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution. Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…

 I think I understand. You’re the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can’t lord him over others in the flesh. I forget what I bring to the party and what I take away when I leave. Please accept these valuable Cooper Coupons as restitution. Sheldon, she doesn’t want your stupid…

 Okay, you’re right, I eat your food a lot. How about this, you can raid my fridge any time you want. Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking. Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding. I’ll let you know.

 Oh, that’s very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I’ll come a-knocking. Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding. I’ll let you know.

 Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding. I’ll let you know.

 Hey, Raj, you didn’t send your RSVP in. I’m supposed to ask you if you’re bringing someone to the wedding. I’ll let you know. Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine. Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.

 I’ll let you know. Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine. Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.

 Well, can you make it soon. There’s a battle royale going on over the seating charts. In one corner, Bernadette’s mom, and the other three, mine. Yeah, I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins, slip on the ring, disappear and everyone goes home.

 Who are you bringing? He’s bringing me. Who are you bringing? Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O’Donnells. Come on, who is it?

 He’s bringing me. Who are you bringing? Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O’Donnells. Come on, who is it?

 Wow, what a bunch of Nosey O’Donnells. Come on, who is it? I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it. Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?

 Come on, who is it? I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it. Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?

 I’m not telling. I’m from Asia. I’m mysterious. Deal with it. Howard, are you having a make your own sundae bar?

 Yeah, I’m glad. It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers)  Hi, you guys got a minute? Sure, what’s up?

 It’s like looking at the universe naked. (Shivers)  Hi, you guys got a minute? Sure, what’s up?

 Hi, you guys got a minute? Sure, what’s up? Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food. Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.

 Sure, what’s up? Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food. Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.

 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food. Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up.

 Well, I was thinking about Sheldon’s little joke the other night about me eating all your food. Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up. I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up? Yes.

 Oh, that was no joke. But I understand your confusion as I am our group’s resident cut-up. I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up? Yes.

 I’m sorry, you are our resident cut-up? Yes. Prove it. Knock, knock.

 Ah! A vintage, mint in box, 1975 Mego Star Trek transporter with real transporter action. Hot-darn! Where did you get that? Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store. You went to the comic-book store by yourself?

 Where did you get that? Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store. You went to the comic-book store by yourself?

 Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store. You went to the comic-book store by yourself?

 Uh, from Stuart at the comic-book store. You went to the comic-book store by yourself? Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good. Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.

 You went to the comic-book store by yourself? Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good. Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.

 Yeah, it was fun, I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good. Well this calls for an expression of gratitude.

 Not this time. Then they wouldn’t be special. Thanks Penny. You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker. Wow. No, it’s great. Also, uh, mint in box. Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!

 You’re welcome. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Leonard, I got you a label maker. Wow. No, it’s great. Also, uh, mint in box. Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!

 Wow. No, it’s great. Also, uh, mint in box. Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too!

 Mmm. And, I got you a transporter too! Awesome! Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure. Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.

 Awesome! Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure. Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.

 Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure. Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there.

 Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr Spock action figure. Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there. Ah! Oh dear Lord. No!

 Oh, that’s great. Let’s open it up and put him in there. Ah! Oh dear Lord. No!

 Nice to meet you. You too. Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!

 You too. Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!

 Please have a seat. (To Bernadette) I’m thinking double wedding!

 Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper? Is someone there? Down here, on your desk. Spock?

 Down here, on your desk. Spock? I need to speak with you. Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

 Spock? I need to speak with you. Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

 I need to speak with you. Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.

 I need to speak with you. Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream. It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. Was I hit on the head by a coconut.

 Fascinating. The only logical explanation is that this is a dream. It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. Was I hit on the head by a coconut.

 It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. Was I hit on the head by a coconut.

 It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut. Was I hit on the head by a coconut. I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy. But it’s mint in box.

 Was I hit on the head by a coconut. I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy. But it’s mint in box.

 I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy. But it’s mint in box.

 I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand. You need to play with the transporter toy. But it’s mint in box. Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half. Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

 But it’s mint in box. Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half. Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

 Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half. Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

 Yes, and to open it would destroy it’s value. But remember, like me, you also have a human half. Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy? To be played with.

 Well, I’m not going to dignify that with a response. Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy? To be played with.

 Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy? To be played with.

 Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy? To be played with. Therefore? To not play with it would be? Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.

 To be played with. Therefore? To not play with it would be? Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.

 Therefore? To not play with it would be? Illogical. Oh, damn it Spock, you’re right. I’ll do it.

 That’s disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for. Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.

 Thankyou. And once again, my baloney likes girls. Wait-wait. You don’t want to put a bit of that in your mouth without trying my homemade chantilly cream. Yeah, okay, that time I heard it.

 Hello again, Sheldon. What is it now, tiny Spock? I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re the one who told me to play with it.

 What is it now, tiny Spock? I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re the one who told me to play with it.

 I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re the one who told me to play with it.

 I am very disappointed in you. You broke your toy and switched it with Leonard’s. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re the one who told me to play with it. If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it? No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.

 You’re the one who told me to play with it. If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it? No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.

 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it? No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave.

 If I told you to jump off the bridge of the Enterprise, would you do it? No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave. Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon. Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.

 No. If I got on the bridge of the Enterprise, I would never, ever leave. Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon. Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.

 Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon. Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy.

 Trust me, it gets old after a while. You must right your wrong, Sheldon. Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy. Well I am unhappy. I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.

 Why? I got away with it. Leonard has his toy, and he’s never going to open it, so he won’t know it’s broken. And I have a toy that isn’t broken. Everybody’s happy. Well I am unhappy. I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.

 Well I am unhappy. I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions.

 Well I am unhappy. I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions. I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing. You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.

 I thought where you come from they don’t have emotions. I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing. You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.

 I come from a factory in Taiwan. Now do the right thing. You know what you are? Well, you’re a green blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it’s time you beam on out of here.

 Yes, to other gay people. Do you hear how homophobic you sound?

 That was weird. Really? I don’t even notice any more. I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these. Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.

 Really? I don’t even notice any more. I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these. Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.

 I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these. Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box.

 I cannot believe you guys aren’t going to play with these. Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box. I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box. Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

 Well I told you, you don’t, it’s mint in box. I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box. Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

 I dunno. I just think it’s a waste. (Picks up box. Sheldon screams.) Relax. I’m just looking at the box. Perhaps you should look with your eyes, and not your muscular Nebraska man-hands.

 What is your problem? My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her. Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box. You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.

 My problem is that I don’t want you to break Leonard’s toy, which you probably did by shaking it. She shook it. We all saw her. Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box. You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.

 Leonard, I bought you this because I wanted you to have fun with it. I don’t want it to just sit in this box. You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.

 You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it.

 You know, you’re right. I mean, it’s from you, I’m never going to sell it. I’m opening it. Yes. Mmmmm! It’s broken.

 Oh, nice job, man-hands. I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this. Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart. You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.

 I didn’t break it. I, I guess Stuart sold it to me like this. Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart. You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.

 Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart. You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.

 You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him.

 Yes. Yes, he did, that is a perfectly satisfying and plausible explanation. Yeah, let’s all be mad at Stuart. You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him. Absolutely. Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.

 You know, I paid a lot for this. Let’s take it over there and show him. Absolutely. Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.

 Absolutely. Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you.

 Absolutely. Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you. Why would you open mine? I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.

 Wait. It was me. I opened your toy, discovered it was broken and didn’t tell you. Why would you open mine? I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.

 Why would you open mine? I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them.

 Why would you open mine? I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them. Well, you should talk to Stuart. I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.

 I didn’t. That was a lie. I opened my own toy. And it was already broken so I switched them. Well, you should talk to Stuart. I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.

 Well, you should talk to Stuart. I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie.

 I can’t because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake. And that’s a lie. What is the truth? My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn. Okay, that I believe.

 What is the truth? My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn. Okay, that I believe.

 My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn. Okay, that I believe.

 My Mr Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it. And when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn. Okay, that I believe. Mmm. Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.

 Okay, that I believe. Mmm. Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.

 Mmm. Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie.

 Mmm. Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie. So, is that one mine. Yes.

 Leonard, Penny, I just, I want you both to know that I regret my actions toward the two of you. That’s a lie. So, is that one mine. Yes.

 So, is that one mine. Yes. Well, hand it over so I can open it. Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.

 Yes. Well, hand it over so I can open it. Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.

 Well, hand it over so I can open it. Okay. Leonard, even though I don’t have one any more, I hope you have fun playing with it.

 Yeah, he worships Hawking. I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man. That’s really nice of you, Howard. Hm, it’s no big deal.

 I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man. That’s really nice of you, Howard. Hm, it’s no big deal.

 That’s really nice of you, Howard. Hm, it’s no big deal. Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee. Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?

 Hm, it’s no big deal. Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee. Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?

 Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It’ll look so nice next to the ones he’s already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee. Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom?

 Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity’s understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it’s two a.m., get out of my bedroom? Like it was ten hours ago. What about it? Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it. Really?

 Like it was ten hours ago. What about it? Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it. Really?

 Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it. Really?

 Well, I believe I’ve done it. And I’m only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it. Really? That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math. Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.

 Really? That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math. Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.

 That’s incredible. Oh, here, break out the math. Oh, okay, let me see this. All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking… Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn’t going to make any sense to you.

 I told you, no. But I said I’m sorry. No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry? And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?

 But I said I’m sorry. No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry? And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?

 No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry? And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?

 No, you said, would it help if I said I’m sorry? And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now? Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you? Um, to go to Jewish heaven?

 And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now? Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you? Um, to go to Jewish heaven?

 Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you? Um, to go to Jewish heaven?

 Sheldon, you’re a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you? Um, to go to Jewish heaven? Jews don’t have heaven. Then to avoid Jewish hell?

 Um, to go to Jewish heaven? Jews don’t have heaven. Then to avoid Jewish hell?

 Jews don’t have heaven. Then to avoid Jewish hell? Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell. Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

 Then to avoid Jewish hell? Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell. Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

 Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell. Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.

 Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell. Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal. Oh, you can’t be serious. Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.

 Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal. Oh, you can’t be serious. Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.

 Oh, you can’t be serious. Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being.

 Oh, you can’t be serious. Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being. Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs? Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

 Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there’s another human being. Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs? Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

 Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs? Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.

 Hang on. Are you saying the rest of us are dogs? Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps. Get out of my lab. Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?

 Yeah, okay, I can see you’re going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you’re the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps. Get out of my lab. Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?

 Get out of my lab. Oh, now they’re so much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those little bicycles?

 It was great. We talked about movies. Oh! I showed him some card tricks. Oh!

 I showed him some card tricks. Oh! He even let me read a couple pages from his new book. Oh!

 Oh! Something got you down there, bunky? Howard, please, I’m begging you. Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?

 Something got you down there, bunky? Howard, please, I’m begging you. Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?

 Howard, please, I’m begging you. Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?

 Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?

 Howard, please, I’m begging you. Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before? Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly. Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.

 Raj, you’re our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before? Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly. Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.

 Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly. Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.

 Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn’t believe in to end his life quickly. Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween. You’re kidding. No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

 Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween. You’re kidding. No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

 You’re kidding. No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

 You’re kidding. No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy. You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111. It’s actually 01100111.

 No, sir, no, I took my dad’s desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy. You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111. It’s actually 01100111.

 You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111. It’s actually 01100111.

 You don’t seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian, nyet. Chinese, bu. Japanese, iie. Klingon, qo. Binary coded Ascii, 0110111001101111. It’s actually 01100111. No! I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.

 It’s actually 01100111. No! I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking.

 No! I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking. Let me try gansta, hells no. Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.

 I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Hawking. Let me try gansta, hells no. Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.

 Let me try gansta, hells no. Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me.

 Let me try gansta, hells no. Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me. What if he doesn’t? He will, he’s really smart.

 Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I’ve made, he’ll reach out to me. What if he doesn’t? He will, he’s really smart.

 What if he doesn’t? He will, he’s really smart. That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends? How do I do that?

 He will, he’s really smart. That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends? How do I do that?

 That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends? How do I do that?

 You do realize you own his ass right now. I do. You can make him do anything you want. Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.

 I do. You can make him do anything you want. Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.

 You can make him do anything you want. Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.

 Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.

 You can make him do anything you want. Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him. Well, don’t be too mean. Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.

 Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him. Well, don’t be too mean. Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.

 Well, don’t be too mean. Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.

 Hey, fellas, I’m thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some. I wouldn’t mind a glass. I wasn’t talking to you. Bring him to his bony knees.

 I wouldn’t mind a glass. I wasn’t talking to you. Bring him to his bony knees.

 I wasn’t talking to you. Bring him to his bony knees. Sheldon, come on back. Yes, yes. What did you decide?

 Bring him to his bony knees. Sheldon, come on back. Yes, yes. What did you decide?

 Sheldon, come on back. Yes, yes. What did you decide? I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking. Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.

 Yes, yes. What did you decide? I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking. Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.

 I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking. Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific.

 I’ll give your paper to Professor Hawking. Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific. But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me. What kinds of things?

 Great, thank you. Oh, that’s terrific. But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me. What kinds of things?

 But in exchange, I’d like you to do a few things for me. What kinds of things?

 Well, I thought I’d start you off by polishing my belt buckles. Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat. That’s nice. That’s a lot of belt buckles.

 Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw’s silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat. That’s nice. That’s a lot of belt buckles.

 That’s a lot of belt buckles. Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back. You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that. Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

 Funny thing is, I only have one belt. Anyway, I’ll let you get started. Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you’re seeing there is splash back. You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that. Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

 You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that. Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

 Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

 You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw’s forks never had that. Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room. Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny? Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.

 Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room. Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny? Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.

 Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny? Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.

 Sheldon, these look great. They’re like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How’d you get them so shiny? Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off. Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud. My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?

 Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off. Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud. My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?

 Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud. My Mee-Maw must never know of this. Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?

 What are you all staring at? Didn’t you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?

 Hey. Hello. It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry? This is not my laundry.

 Hello. It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry? This is not my laundry.

 It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry? This is not my laundry.

 It’s not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry? This is not my laundry. Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her. Those are Howard’s.

 This is not my laundry. Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her. Those are Howard’s.

 Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her. Those are Howard’s.

 Wow, are these Amy’s? Kind of trashy, good for her. Those are Howard’s. Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties? Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.

 Those are Howard’s. Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties? Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.

 Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties? Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist.

 Ugh. Why are you washing Howard’s man panties? Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist. Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time. That’s close enough.

 Because if I don’t, he won’t give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He’s a famous physicist. Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time. That’s close enough.

 Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time. That’s close enough.

 Yeah, yeah, I know, he’s the wheelchair dude who invented time. That’s close enough. I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy? Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

 That’s close enough. I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy? Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

 I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy? Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you?

 I don’t understand, why doesn’t Howard just introduce you to the guy? Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you? Well… Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…

 Because he’s punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don’t think I’m condescending, do you? Well… Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means…

 Well… Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means… I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down. Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.

 Oh, I’m sorry, condescending means… I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down. Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.

 I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down. Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.

 I know what it means. And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down. Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone. Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet. Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.

 Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone. Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet. Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.

 Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet. Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.

 Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet. Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay. See, there it is, there’s that twinkle. Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.

 Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay. See, there it is, there’s that twinkle. Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.

 See, there it is, there’s that twinkle. Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle.

 See, there it is, there’s that twinkle. Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle. What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon? I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

 Well, I can’t help it. That’s an involuntary twinkle. What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon? I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

 What do you want me to tell you, Sheldon? I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.

 No, you have to stop now. Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow! Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.

 Bernadette, I want to remind you, you promised to take me dress shopping tomorrow! Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.

 Oh, damn. I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but Sheldon’s going to go with you! And that’s the last thing you do to him.

 It’s easy, just pretend you’re putting away a sleeping bag. Sleeping bags don’t usually sweat this much, but okay. Now zip me up. Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.

 Sleeping bags don’t usually sweat this much, but okay. Now zip me up. Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.

 Now zip me up. Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.

 Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you may turn into a diamond.

 Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs. What are these? Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh? Wow, that’s amazing.

 What are these? Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh? Wow, that’s amazing.

 Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh? Wow, that’s amazing.

 Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh? Wow, that’s amazing. Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went. I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.

 Wow, that’s amazing. Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went. I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.

 Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went. I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.

 Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went. I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother. I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file. Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?

 I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother. I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file. Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?

 I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file. Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?

 I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file. Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking? I don’t know. Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

 Humorous. Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking? I don’t know. Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

 I don’t know. Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

 I don’t know. Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom. All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one. Okay.

 Oh, for heaven’s sake. I did your laundry, I pee-pee-proofed your belt buckles, I, I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom. All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one. Okay.

 All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one. Okay.

 All right, Sheldon, there’s only one thing left I want you to do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy one. Okay. Give me a compliment. Fine. You have very tiny hands.

 Give me a compliment. Fine. You have very tiny hands. No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do. You’re obviously good at what you do.

 Fine. You have very tiny hands. No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do. You’re obviously good at what you do.

 No, about my job. I want you to tell me I’m good at what I do. You’re obviously good at what you do.

 You’re obviously good at what you do. Well, then why are you always ripping on me? Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing. It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.

 Well, then why are you always ripping on me? Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing. It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.

 Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing. It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.

 It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run.

 Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It’s just that what you do is not worth doing. It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run. Thank you, Sheldon. Now will you give my paper to Hawking?

 It’s nicer than anything he’s ever said to me. I’d take it and run. Thank you, Sheldon. Now will you give my paper to Hawking?

 Thank you, Sheldon. Now will you give my paper to Hawking? Sorry, I can’t. What, why not?

 Now will you give my paper to Hawking? Sorry, I can’t. What, why not?

 I thought he might be a little more excited. Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom)

 Give it a second. (Sound of Sheldon shrieking in joy in his bedroom)

 I know. I want to thank you for taking time to see me. My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind. I know.

 I want to thank you for taking time to see me. My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind. I know.

 My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind. I know.

 My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind. I know. Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating. Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.

 I know. Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating. Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.

 Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating. Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower.

 Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating. Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower. That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong. What do you mean wrong?

 Thank you. It just, it came to me one morning in the shower. That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong. What do you mean wrong?

 That’s nice. Too bad it’s wrong. What do you mean wrong? You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner. No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.

 What do you mean wrong? You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner. No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.

 You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner. No, no, th-th-th-that can’t be right. I-I don’t make arithmetic mistakes.

 Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It’s just, I was thinking… Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking. Great, another fainter.

 Wrong. Leonard? Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth. Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we? Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.

 Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth. Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we? Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.

 Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we? Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.

 Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball.

 Wrong, and let’s keep it clean, shall we? Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball. Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body. Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.

 Kangaroo, uh, I’d be a Kanga-Jew. The first of my people to dunk a basketball. Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body. Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.

 Also instead of just living in your mother’s house, you could actually live inside her body. Clever, but also wrong. No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you’d be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.

 Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful. All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight. He got us again. No, he didn’t.

 All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I’ll just snack on this sunlight. He got us again. No, he didn’t.

 I’ve been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price if we’re flexible on age range and number of limbs. Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers. You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you. What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.

 Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers. You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you. What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.

 You don’t want strippers? You’re the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you. What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more.

 What can I tell ya, I’m not into that stuff any more. Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special. You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom. Well, it’s probably not for me.

 Good for you, Howard. I’m proud of you. And still, you’re the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special. You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom. Well, it’s probably not for me.

 You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom. Well, it’s probably not for me.

 Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen. Yeah, there is. You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.

 Yeah, there is. You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.

 You know, there’s nothing wrong helping some woman’s kid get through their S.A.T.’s.

 Indeed. If I’m to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words, and yes, alcohol. Jeepers! That’s yucky. Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think? Hey, you guys. Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.

 Whoa, it’s a little early to start dropping J-bombs, don’t you think? Hey, you guys. Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.

 Hey, you guys. Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard.

 Hey, you guys. Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard. Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house. I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.

 Oh, hey, Wil. Nice of you to make it out tonight for Howard. Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house. I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.

 Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei’s house. I’m confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.

 Hear! Hear! And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend. Sheldon… Talk to the hand.

 And, apparently, Wil Wheaton’s best friend. Sheldon… Talk to the hand.

 Sheldon… Talk to the hand. Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening? Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!

 Talk to the hand. Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening? Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!

 Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about our man of the evening? Yeah, I do. (All groan). As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humour at Howard’s expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled. Howard, I always thought you’d be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right? Let’s see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you’re actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that’s a zinger, because you’re not. I’ve always thought that you’d make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you’d be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don’t see as likely. Hacha! Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don’t!

 Hear, hear. Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world. Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)  I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.

 Okay, uh, anybody else? Huh? No? Okay, it all comes down to me, the best man. Ooh! This grasshopper is kicking my ass-hopper. Okay, when I first came to this country, I-I didn’t know how to behave or how to dress, or what was cool, I was pretty lonely. But then I met Howard, and suddenly, my life changed, because we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world. Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)  I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.

 Yeah, nice speech, Fwancine. (Tucks a dollar in Raj’s pants.)  I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.

 I’m not done, but thank you. (Raj puts the dollar on the table. Stuart steals it.) I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I’m addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.

 Don’t remember. Please sit down. The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here. Oh, please shut up. Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.

 The only threesome I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m proud to say it was with this man right here. Oh, please shut up. Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.

 Oh, please shut up. Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.

 Oh, oh, don’t get me wrong, nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.

 Dude, I am so sorry. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you. Actually, you did do one of them together. Here.

 It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I did all that stuff, not you. Actually, you did do one of them together. Here.

 Actually, you did do one of them together. Here. What is this? You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.

 Here. What is this? You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.

 What is this? You’re upset. The convention is to bring an upset person a hot beverage.

 Yeah? No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything? I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con. I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.

 No, uh, that, that’s it. I don’t know much about women. Raj, you got anything? I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con. I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.

 I’ve got the phone number of the tubby girl from Comic-Con. I’m not calling the girl from Comic-con.

 You’re kidding. So what does that mean? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Boy, I got to tell you, I’m really disappointed. This was my dream ever since I was a little kid. Okay, well, uh, thanks for the call. Yep, you, too. (Puts down phone.) Yes! Thank you! Oh! Oh! I’m not gonna die in space! I’m gonna die the way God intended, in my late 50s, with a heart full of pastrami.

 I’m going to need a larger shirt. This one’s a little tight under the arms. Okay. Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear? Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.

 Okay. Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear? Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.

 Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear? Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight.

 Do you think maybe it’s tight because you’re wearing long underwear? Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight. All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear? You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?

 Yes, of course that’s why it’s tight. All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear? You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?

 All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear? You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you?

 All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear? You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you? No, it should be: why are you? Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?

 You’re kidding. Shouldn’t the question be why aren’t you? No, it should be: why are you? Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?

 No, it should be: why are you? Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by hundreds of sweaty strangers. I don’t like my own sweat touching my skin, how do you think I feel about theirs?

 All right, well, whatever. I wasn’t worried. You weren’t? Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it. Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

 You weren’t? Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it. Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

 Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it. Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

 Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store.

 Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek. I live it. Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store. Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did. Ah, much better.

 Oh, please. I don’t remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space and brags about it in a tuxedo store. Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did. Ah, much better.

 Make all the jokes you want, but there’s only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did. Ah, much better.

 Ah, much better. You must be burning up. A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord! Uh, where’s he going?

 You must be burning up. A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord! Uh, where’s he going?

 A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever’s in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing, yet hygienic figure, don’t I? I look like the Flash about to get married. Oh! A tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord! Uh, where’s he going?

 Okay. Oh, and just a heads-up, mm, since the last time you saw me naked, I got a Cookie Monster tattoo. The acceptable responses when you see it are awesome or nothing. What about (inhales gas, in low voice) Cookies!

 Seven o’clock, right on time. It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes. Well, dinner’s almost ready. I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.

 It’s not an accident. I waited outside your door for twenty minutes. Well, dinner’s almost ready. I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.

 Well, dinner’s almost ready. I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date.

 Well, dinner’s almost ready. I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date. Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight. What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

 I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our date night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later, the LEGO store is having a midnight madness sale. You ask anyone, that’s a hot date. Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight. What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

 Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight. What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones?

 Tempting choices, but I have something special planned for tonight. What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones? With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well. Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

 What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny LEGO Indiana Jones? With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well. Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

 With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well. Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?

 With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I’ve decided that we should make progress in ours as well. Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go? I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks. Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.

 Oh, dear Lord. Two years ago, we didn’t even know each other, and now I’m in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go? I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks. Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.

 I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks. Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.

 I had a feeling you’d be reluctant, which is why I’m going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks. Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away. I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame. And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.

 Oh, you brain monkeys kill me. Dip away. I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame. And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.

 I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame. And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school.

 I have devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me in an accelerated time frame. And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school. Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me. Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

 And how do you propose to do that? Uh, hope you’re not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there’s only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that’s called school. Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me. Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

 Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me. Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock.

 Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, et cetera. I’m going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me. Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock. We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? Super Mario Bros. theme?

 Well, seems what’s on the menu tonight is malarkey with a big side of poppycock. We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? Super Mario Bros. theme?

 We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? Super Mario Bros. theme?

 We’ll see. Let’s start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? Super Mario Bros. theme? Yes. I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.

 Super Mario Bros. theme? Yes. I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.

 Yes. I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work.

 Yes. I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work. Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat. Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.

 I see what you’re doing. You’re attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game, admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood, but it won’t work. Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat. Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.

 Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat. Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink.

 Fine. There’s no reason we still can’t have a lovely dinner. Why don’t you have a seat. Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink. May I offer you something to drink? You know I don’t drink.

 Da-da-da da-da dum, boink, boink. May I offer you something to drink? You know I don’t drink.

 May I offer you something to drink? You know I don’t drink. Not even strawberry Quik? I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

 You know I don’t drink. Not even strawberry Quik? I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

 Not even strawberry Quik? I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.

 Not even strawberry Quik? I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol. Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner. Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!

 I love strawberry Quik. It’s my favourite pink fluid, narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol. Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner. Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!

 Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner. Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!

 But, Howie, my dad can be a bully. He’s gonna make you cancel your space flight. We can only hope… that he doesn’t.

 Sheldon, knight takes bishop. You all right? I’m fine. Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me? Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?

 I’m fine. Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me? Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?

 Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me? Very well. Can I ask you a question about women?

 Are you? You left your queen exposed from above, you trapped your knight in the corner, and you keep sighing and saying, why me? Very well. Can I ask you a question about women? We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there? No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

 Very well. Can I ask you a question about women? We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there? No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

 We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there? No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

 We got you that book last year. Wasn’t everything in there? No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny. Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.

 No, I’m having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny. Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny. Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I screwed things up pretty good with Penny. Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies. I guess we are. So, what’s going on? Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.

 Look at us, Leonard, engaging in the social convention of men bellyaching about their ol’ ladies. I guess we are. So, what’s going on? Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.

 I guess we are. So, what’s going on? Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy.

 I guess we are. So, what’s going on? Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy. I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you. It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.

 Believe it or not, Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her by making me happy. I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you. It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.

 I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you. It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception.

 I’m sorry, that must be very difficult for you. It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception. Shame on her. They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.

 It’s awful. This morning, she arranged for me to be an Amtrak junior conductor for the day. It, it’s usually only open to children. She got them to make an exception. Shame on her. They let me blow the whistle, Leonard.

 Shame on her. They let me blow the whistle, Leonard. She’s good. I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.

 They let me blow the whistle, Leonard. She’s good. I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.

 She’s good. I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times.

 She’s good. I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times. You mean, like in bed or in the shower? No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?

 I know. And it gets worse. Her efforts are causing me to have affectionate feelings for her at inappropriate times. You mean, like in bed or in the shower? No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?

 You mean, like in bed or in the shower? No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop?

 You mean, like in bed or in the shower? No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop? Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer. I assume we’re talking about you now?

 No! Would you please stop referencing that infernal book? For example, this morning, I was calculating the random motion of virtual particles in a vacuum, when suddenly the particles morphed into an image of Amy’s dandruff gently cascading down onto her pale, slightly hunched shoulders. Oh, what has that vixen done to me, Leonard? And how do I make it stop? Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer. I assume we’re talking about you now?

 Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer. I assume we’re talking about you now?

 Well, if you had a physical relationship, I’d say propose during sex. Turns out that’s a real mood killer. I assume we’re talking about you now? Yeah. So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?

 I assume we’re talking about you now? Yeah. So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?

 Yeah. So, that’s how this works? I complain, and then you complain, and no one offers any solutions?

 No! I played that pretty well. (Enters apartment. Amy, dressed as a Vulcan starfleet officer, is examining Sheldon.) Hello, Leonard. What are you doing?

 I played that pretty well. (Enters apartment. Amy, dressed as a Vulcan starfleet officer, is examining Sheldon.) Hello, Leonard. What are you doing?

 I changed my mind. I don’t want to do this. Good one. Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

 Good one. Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

 Yeah, I’m a funny guy. I also have a hysterical bit planned for later where I pretend to cry through the whole launch.

 Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flower, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favourite ingredient of all, uniformity. The uterus quivers, does it not? There’s Howard’s rocket, live from Kazakhstan. Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.

 The uterus quivers, does it not? There’s Howard’s rocket, live from Kazakhstan. Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.

 There’s Howard’s rocket, live from Kazakhstan. Oh, God, I’m so nervous. I don’t think I can watch.

 That’s so great. (Others also make encouraging sounds) I mean, we know it’s short notice, but we’d love you all to come with us. No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight. That wasn’t going to be our processional music.

 I mean, we know it’s short notice, but we’d love you all to come with us. No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight. That wasn’t going to be our processional music.

 No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight. That wasn’t going to be our processional music.

 No, no, no, this is not the wedding I wanted! I want to wear my maid of honour dress and walk down the aisle with a hundred eyes on me, while a string quartet plays The Way You Look Tonight. That wasn’t going to be our processional music. Well, it was going to be mine. Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.

 That wasn’t going to be our processional music. Well, it was going to be mine. Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.

 Well, it was going to be mine. Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.

 Amy, you look great. I know. Where’d you get a beer? From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.

 I know. Where’d you get a beer? From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.

 Where’d you get a beer? From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.

 From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story, they’re in rival drug gangs, and they’re getting married. Shh, no one can know.

 I don’t want to talk about it. Where did he pop the question? What did you say? She said no, can we drop it now? It wasn’t a real proposal.

 Where did he pop the question? What did you say? She said no, can we drop it now? It wasn’t a real proposal.

 No, isn’t that kind of tacky? Hey, I know tons of people who got married in Vegas. Are any of them still married? Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…

 Hey, I know tons of people who got married in Vegas. Are any of them still married? Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…

 Are any of them still married? Yeah, I mean, not to the same people but…

 That’s great. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe my maid of honour dress is going to be on Google Earth. So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony. Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

 Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe my maid of honour dress is going to be on Google Earth. So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony. Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

 So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony. Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

 Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.

 So, we have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who’s going to do the ceremony. Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want. Great, well, who’s it going to be? I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.

 Well, that’s easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlour where, for a hundred bucks they’ll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want. Great, well, who’s it going to be? I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.

 Great, well, who’s it going to be? I’ll do it, provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.

 Hey, guys, before I forget, I got you a little groomsman present. Oh, thanks, man. You didn’t have to do that. Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.

 Oh, thanks, man. You didn’t have to do that. Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.

 You didn’t have to do that. Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.

 Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married.

 You didn’t have to do that. Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married. Oh, wow. Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.

 Fantastic Four, annual number three from 1965, in mint condition. The one where Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Girl get married. Oh, wow. Oh, dear. I was afraid of this.

 Oh, wow. Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. What? While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.

 Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. What? While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.

 What? While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars.

 What? While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars. Yeah, so? I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.

 While a thoughtful gift, this comic book in this condition is worth at least a hundred dollars. Yeah, so? I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.

 Yeah, so? I bought you and Bernadette a gravy boat worth eighty-eight dollars. Which places me in your debt and I can’t be in your debt because someday you might ask me to help you move, or to kill a man.

 Guys, when I look at the two of you starting your lives together, it fills my heart, It fills my, heart, okay, I’m going to need a minute. Okay, I’ll, I’ll go. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love, it doesn’t matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other. Hmm. Problem?

 Okay, I’ll, I’ll go. Howard and Bernadette, I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you’re in love, it doesn’t matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other. Hmm. Problem?

 Hey, I didn’t say it. All right, that’s enough from the both of you. Well, he started it. Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

 All right, that’s enough from the both of you. Well, he started it. Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

 Well, he started it. Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

 Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

 Well, he started it. Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out. Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days. Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.

 Well, I’m ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honour. I also want you to know, that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out. Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days. Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.

 Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette, you are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other. And that’s the strongest kind of love because at its core, it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days. Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. Daq tu’ taH Daq yIn tlhej ghajtaH.

 Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you, this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski. Speak up! Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.

 Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski. Speak up! Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.

 Speak up! Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.

 Hey, from now on, she’s the only women who can yell at me! Until I met you, I couldn’t imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can’t imagine spending one day of it without you.

 No, come on in. Hurry. I love that man. Me, too. I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

 I love that man. Me, too. I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

 Me, too. I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

 I can’t believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

 You know, it’s not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other’s recycled urine. Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me. I wonder what he’s doing right this very second. Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.

 Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me. I wonder what he’s doing right this very second. Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.

 I wonder what he’s doing right this very second. Mm, conducting experiments in zero gravity.

 Uh, I don’t know, it’s still kind of weird. We haven’t really recovered since he proposed to me in the middle of sex. Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.

 Oh, boo-hoo. If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.

 Interesting question. On the one hand, I always thought… You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now. I know what the anthropic principle is. Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?

 You don’t even know what it is, do you? The anthropic principle states that if we wish to explain why our universe exists the way it does, the answer is that it must have qualities that allow intelligent creatures to arise who are capable of asking the question. As I am doing so eloquently right now. I know what the anthropic principle is. Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?

 I know what the anthropic principle is. Of course. I just explained it to you. Now, where do you stand on it?

 Where do you stand on it?  Strongly pro. Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me. Hey, guys.

 Strongly pro. Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me. Hey, guys.

 Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me. Hey, guys.

 Then I believe that God created the world in six days, and on the seventh he made you to annoy me. Hey, guys. Hey. Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?

 Hey, guys. Hey. Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?

 Hey. Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle?

 Hey. Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle? I’m all for it. Attaboy!

 Yeah, wait, Raj, where do you stand on the anthropic principle? I’m all for it. Attaboy!

 Well, hang on. Why do you believe that he knows what it is and I don’t? Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we? Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round. Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny. 

 Oh, Leonard. Let’s not take a saw to the branch we’re sitting on, shall we? Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round. Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny. 

 Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round. Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny. 

 Hey, uh, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet n a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don’t need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round. Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny.  Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies? As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.

 Actually, I’m hanging out with Penny.  Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies? As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.

 Oh, okay. Sounds like it’s me and you, Sheldon. How about we sic some guppies on those puppies? As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy.

 As I’ve stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are “Release the Kraken.” That never gets old. “Release the Kraken!” Oh, chills. Besides, I’m having dinner with Amy. Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool. Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us. Really? I can come? Thanks.

 Oh, okay. I’ll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone, so, cool. Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us. Really? I can come? Thanks.

 Darn. If you weren’t busy, I’d ask you to join us. Really? I can come? Thanks.

 I mean, it’s not, like, HD quality. Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself. Like he’s been doing since he got here.

 Listen, mister, you’re gonna talk to your mother and you’re gonna fix this, or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself. Like he’s been doing since he got here.

 Oh, I’m glad you like it. Raj picked it out. Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you. Tell him yourself. Yoo-hoo! Over here!

 Well, when you see him, tell him I say thank you. Tell him yourself. Yoo-hoo! Over here!

 Tell him yourself. Yoo-hoo! Over here! I don’t understand. What’s he doing here? I invited him.

 Yoo-hoo! Over here! I don’t understand. What’s he doing here? I invited him.

 I don’t understand. Sheldon, how could you do this? It’s our second anniversary. It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.  Thank you.

 Sheldon, how could you do this? It’s our second anniversary. It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.  Thank you.

 It’s your anniversary? Oh, my God, I had no idea. Amy, please, let me make this right.  Thank you.

 Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!

 Have I ever told you you’re like a sexy praying mantis?  Every time you drink alcohol. You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate. Your point being?

 Every time you drink alcohol. You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate. Your point being?

 You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate. Your point being?

 You know what’s wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate. Your point being? Dessert is served. I just had cobbler.

 Dessert is served. I just had cobbler. You know what? I’m done with this. W-Where are you going?

 I just had cobbler. You know what? I’m done with this. W-Where are you going?

 You know what? I’m done with this. W-Where are you going? I’m leaving. You can’t leave. I need you.

 W-Where are you going? I’m leaving. You can’t leave. I need you.

 I’m leaving. You can’t leave. I need you. You do? Yes. You’re my ride.

 You do? Yes. You’re my ride. Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done. All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.

 Yes. You’re my ride. Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done. All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.

 Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done. All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.

 Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done. All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be. Sheldon, that was beautiful. I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.

 All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be. Sheldon, that was beautiful. I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.

 Sheldon, that was beautiful. I should hope so. That’s from the first Spider-Man movie.

 Hey, Froot Loops, did you clean the space toilet? Excuse me. I’m talking to my friends. You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet. If you do good job, next time we give you brush.

 Excuse me. I’m talking to my friends. You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet. If you do good job, next time we give you brush.

 You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet. If you do good job, next time we give you brush.

 You know the rules, new guy scrubs the toilet. If you do good job, next time we give you brush. Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings. Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.

 If you do good job, next time we give you brush. Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings. Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.

 Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings. Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.

 Funny. We’re always giving each other a hard time up here. It’s kind of like being in a frat. You know, joking, kidding around, hurting feelings. Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him. Go ahead. 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)

 Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him. Go ahead. 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)

 Go ahead. 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)

 Go ahead. 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise) Yes, I read you, Sheldon. Copy that. Over. (Static noise)

 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise) Yes, I read you, Sheldon. Copy that. Over. (Static noise)

 Yes, I read you, Sheldon. Copy that. Over. (Static noise) What are you doing? I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

 Copy that. Over. (Static noise) What are you doing? I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

 What are you doing? I am talking to a man in space. If you don’t have the (static noise) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.

 That’s a negative. My mother had me tested. Over. (Static noise) Come on, scrub it up, Loops. All right, all right. I gotta go. There’s a meteor shower. You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.

 Come on, scrub it up, Loops. All right, all right. I gotta go. There’s a meteor shower. You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.

 All right, all right. I gotta go. There’s a meteor shower. You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.

 You want to see a meteor shower? Take a look at what Dimitri just left you in the toilet.

 Bye, buddy! Hello. Hey, Stuart, come on in. What are you doing here?

 Hey, Stuart, come on in. What are you doing here? Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys. Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.

 What are you doing here? Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys. Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.

 Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys. Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this.

 Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies with you guys. Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this. Sheldon, you are not in charge. That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.

 Excuse me. I didn’t authorize this. Sheldon, you are not in charge. That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.

 Sheldon, you are not in charge. That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner.

 Sheldon, you are not in charge. That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner. What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself. The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.

 That’s mighty sassy for a man with a roommate performance review around the corner. What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself. The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.

 What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself. The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six.

 What’s the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn’t want to sit by myself. The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six. It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz. Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?

 The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we’re going to be a faceless mass of six. It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz. Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?

 It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz. Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?

 It’ll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he’s Wolowitz. Hmm. Do you like Raisinets? I can take them or leave them. At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.

 Hmm. Do you like Raisinets? I can take them or leave them. At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.

 I can take them or leave them. At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.

 I can take them or leave them. At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets. Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets? Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.

 At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets. Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets? Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.

 Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets? Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets.

 Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets? Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets. Okay. Should we go? Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.

 Well, it’s hardly my business what you eat, as long as it doesn’t crunch during the film and it’s Raisinets. Okay. Should we go? Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.

 Okay. Should we go? Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you.

 Okay. Should we go? Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you. All right. Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?

 Yuh-uh, one more question, if you’re going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little more about you. All right. Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?

 All right. Wolowitz went to MIT. What’s your educational background?

 Well, I like it. Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things. Just watch the movie. It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.

 Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things. Just watch the movie. It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.

 Just watch the movie. It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands.

 Just watch the movie. It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands. There might be a reason for that. Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.

 It’s not fair. Penny isn’t making Leonard hold hands. There might be a reason for that. Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.

 There might be a reason for that. Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.

 There might be a reason for that. Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick. Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore. Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

 Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick. Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore. Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

 Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore. Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

 Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore. Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper. So? So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?

 Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper. So? So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?

 So? So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?

 So? So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit? It’s complicated. String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?

 So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit? It’s complicated. String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?

 It’s complicated. String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?

 It’s complicated. String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship? She’s not sure how she feels. How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.

 String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship? She’s not sure how she feels. How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.

 She’s not sure how she feels. How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.

 She’s not sure how she feels. How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose. Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard. Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

 How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose. Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard. Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

 Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard. Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?

 Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard. Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate? Yes, please, Penny will kill me. Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.

 Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate? Yes, please, Penny will kill me. Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.

 Yes, please, Penny will kill me. Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.

 Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head. Raisinet? Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

 Raisinet? Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.

 What are you doing? I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to. Maybe your tongue is shrinking. Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.

 I think I might have tartar buildup. My tongue won’t go as far forward as it used to. Maybe your tongue is shrinking. Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.

 Maybe your tongue is shrinking. Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is.

 Maybe your tongue is shrinking. Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is. I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow. Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

 Nope. Oh, you have no idea how annoying this is. I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow. Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

 I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow. Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

 I’m starting to get a sense of it. Don’t worry. I’ll take you to the dentist tomorrow. Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you. Okay. I can’t tell you.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you. Okay. I can’t tell you.

 Okay. I can’t tell you. Why? I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

 I can’t tell you. Why? I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

 Why? I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

 Why? I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you. I wish there were more. Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.

 I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you. I wish there were more. Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.

 I wish there were more. Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.

 I wish there were more. Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important. What is it? I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?

 Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important. What is it? I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?

 What is it? I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?

 What is it? I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers? Where exactly did your mother have you tested? Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.

 I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers? Where exactly did your mother have you tested? Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.

 Where exactly did your mother have you tested? Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in.

 Where exactly did your mother have you tested? Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in. Okay, I think I understand. You do?

 Leonard, the Transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, uh, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or, uh, someone in a romantic relationship, uh, might feel differently than they appear to. Or a conversation about The Transformers might actually be about someone in this room. I’m going to pause to let that sink in. Okay, I think I understand. You do?

 The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires. That is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

 I was. Now I’m having a nightmare. What do you want? Never mind. I still can’t tell you.

 Oh, my God. Sheldon? You frightened me. What are you doing in my bedroom? Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.

 You frightened me. What are you doing in my bedroom? Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.

 What are you doing in my bedroom? Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it.

 What are you doing in my bedroom? Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it. How did you even get in, you weirdo? Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?

 Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn’t hear it. How did you even get in, you weirdo? Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?

 How did you even get in, you weirdo? Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?

 How did you even get in, you weirdo? Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird? What do you want, Sheldon? Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.

 Yeah, really? I’ve seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird? What do you want, Sheldon? Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.

 What do you want, Sheldon? Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.

 What do you want, Sheldon? Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk. Talk about what? Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.

 Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk. Talk about what? Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.

 Talk about what? Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice.

 Talk about what? Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice. Sheldon. Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

 Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one, your choice. Sheldon. Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

 Sheldon. Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.

 Sheldon. Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba. Okay, go home, crazy man. Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

 Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba. Okay, go home, crazy man. Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

 Okay, go home, crazy man. Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

 Okay, go home, crazy man. Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper. Okay, what did Amy tell you? Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

 Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper. Okay, what did Amy tell you? Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

 Okay, what did Amy tell you? Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.

 Okay, what did Amy tell you? Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard. Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it? Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

 Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard. Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it? Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

 Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it? Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?

 Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it? Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is? Of course not. Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

 Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is? Of course not. Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

 Of course not. Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.

 Of course not. Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH. Worst bedtime story ever. My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

 Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH. Worst bedtime story ever. My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

 Worst bedtime story ever. My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.

 Worst bedtime story ever. My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple. Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand? I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?

 My point is I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple. Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand? I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?

 Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand? I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?

 Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand? I do. You clear on the shampoo issue? Get out. Penny?

 Hello? What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps) Hang on, please. Hello? Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.

 What the hell is wrong with you? You told Sheldon? Do you know what a terrible position this puts me in? (Phone beeps) Hang on, please. Hello? Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.

 Hang on, please. Hello? Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She’s pretty mad.

 Gelatinous Sphere. Focused Locust. Temple of Yip. I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.

 Focused Locust. Temple of Yip. I’m sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.

 So, what are you guys doing later? Stuart and I were thinking of going out for a drink. We’re gonna try to meet some girls. ‘Cause that’s what we do. Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.

 We’re gonna try to meet some girls. ‘Cause that’s what we do. Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.

 ‘Cause that’s what we do. Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way.

 ‘Cause that’s what we do. Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way. In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee. Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.

 Watch out, ladies, a little coffee and cream coming your way. In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee. Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.

 In case you didn’t follow that, I’m the coffee. Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls.

 Leonard? Maybe you’d like to go with them to meet girls. Why would I be interested? I have Penny. Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up. You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

 Why would I be interested? I have Penny. Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up. You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

 Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up. You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

 You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person.

 Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I’d get a back-up. You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person. No, please don’t ruin this for me. Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?

 You can’t just replace someone you care about with some other random person. No, please don’t ruin this for me. Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?

 No, please don’t ruin this for me. Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk?

 No, please don’t ruin this for me. Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk? Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice. But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.

 Do you remember how upset I was when they replaced Edward Norton as the Hulk? Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice. But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.

 Yes, you walked around for a week saying, Sheldon unhappy with casting choice. But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better.

 But, then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk in The Avengers, and he was even better. What’s your point? Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere. This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?

 What’s your point? Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere. This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?

 Call me a romantic. I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo is still out there somewhere. This is ridiculous. Are we gonna play cards or not?

 Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall? Really, you’re serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil) Oh, baby, you’re killing me.

 Really, you’re serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil) Oh, baby, you’re killing me.

 Oh, thank you, Penny. M-hmm. Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles. Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

 M-hmm. Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles. Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

 Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles. Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

 Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it?

 Yeah, wait, here. For your troubles. Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it? Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box. Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

 Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route. So, what’s in it? Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box. Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

 Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box. Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child.

 Mmm, doesn’t matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box. Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child. Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary? No, that’s my potty training journal.

 Yeah, it’s journals and research papers I wrote as a child. Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary? No, that’s my potty training journal.

 Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary? No, that’s my potty training journal.

 Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary? No, that’s my potty training journal. Really, your potty training journal? Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

 No, that’s my potty training journal. Really, your potty training journal? Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

 Really, your potty training journal? Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn’t start typing until I was six.

 Oh, disgusting. No, what’s disgusting is he’s still keeping track. Why do you need all this stuff? No, no, no, no.

 No, what’s disgusting is he’s still keeping track. Why do you need all this stuff? No, no, no, no.

 Why do you need all this stuff? No, no, no, no. Sorry! I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

 No, no, no, no. Sorry! I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

 Sorry! I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson?

 Sorry! I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson? Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson. Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

 I am glad you asked. Are you familiar with the Higgs boson? Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson. Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

 Of course, it is, it’s been in the news. And it’s a very famous boson. Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize.

 Nice try. Now, in 1964, Dr. Peter Higgs, accomplished self-promoter and physicist, he wrote a paper postulating the existence of a subatomic particle called the Higgs boson. Now, initially the paper was rejected, but recently, he was proven right, and now he’s on the fast track to win a Nobel prize. Yeah, that’s basically what I said. Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize. I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

 Yeah, that’s basically what I said. Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize. I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

 Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize. I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

 I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

 Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I’ve already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize. I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty. You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here? Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

 I didn’t know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty. You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here? Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

 You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here? Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors.

 You really think there’s some kind of scientific discovery in here? Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors. So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff? That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

 Well, this box only covers my work through nursery school. There’s a good deal more to come. I didn’t really hit my academic stride until I cut out that time-suck known as playing outdoors. So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff? That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

 So, you’re going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff? That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour.

 That’s a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labour. Not gonna happen. Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking. If you want help, just hire a grad student.

 Not gonna happen. Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking. If you want help, just hire a grad student.

 Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking. If you want help, just hire a grad student.

 Well, if I didn’t think you could handle it, I wouldn’t be asking. If you want help, just hire a grad student. Maybe I could do it. You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

 If you want help, just hire a grad student. Maybe I could do it. You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

 Maybe I could do it. You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.

 A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. I’m just a blonde monkey to you, aren’t I? You said it, not me.

 No, thanks. I’m fine. Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best. I don’t do drugs. Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

 Now, are you sure? Everyone’s smoking them. I think they’re the best. I don’t do drugs. Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

 I don’t do drugs. Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss.

 I don’t do drugs. Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss. No, of course not. How did you know about that? I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

 Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They’re not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice. All right, so I see here you’re from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you’re summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn’t cause any hearing loss. No, of course not. How did you know about that? I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

 No, of course not. How did you know about that? I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets.

 No, of course not. How did you know about that? I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets. Yes, I did. Hearing unimpaired, good.

 I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind book)  I trust you paid off those parking tickets. Yes, I did. Hearing unimpaired, good.

 Yes, I did. Hearing unimpaired, good. Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance. Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.

 Hearing unimpaired, good. Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance. Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.

 Look, Dr. Cooper, I really want this position. It would be an incredible honour to work for a man of your brilliance. Flattery will not get you this job, Ms. Jenson.

 You talk to Howard lately? Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office)  Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson)  che-ee-ee-ese. Smooth. Hi. Hello.

 Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable. (Entering Sheldon’s office)  Hey, Sheldon, hope you’re hungry, they’re serving macaroni and… (spots Ms Jenson)  che-ee-ee-ese. Smooth. Hi. Hello.

 Sheldon, aren’t you going to introduce us? No. I have people for that now. You’re up. I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant. Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

 No. I have people for that now. You’re up. I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant. Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

 I’m Alex, Dr. Cooper’s new assistant. Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

 Ah, congratulations and may God have mercy on your soul. I’m Leonard. This is Raj.

 Isn’t it obvious? I’m spreading my scent to mark my territory. Come on, Amy. That is not gonna work. Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

 Come on, Amy. That is not gonna work. Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

 Really? Because just before you became my best friend, I did this all over your apartment.

 Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me? Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem? I’m in her head. Let the dance begin. Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.

 Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem? I’m in her head. Let the dance begin. Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.

 I’m in her head. Let the dance begin. Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper.

 I’m in her head. Let the dance begin. Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper. This should be fun. Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

 Here’s your frozen yoghurt, Dr. Cooper. This should be fun. Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

 This should be fun. Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?

 This should be fun. Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled? Yes. Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?

 Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled? Yes. Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?

 Yes. Half a teaspoon of sprinkles? Rainbow, not chocolate. Two cherries?

 Half a teaspoon of sprinkles? Rainbow, not chocolate. Two cherries?

 One on top, one on the bottom. Stems removed? Um, top one, yes. I didn’t check the one on the bottom. Oh!

 Stems removed? Um, top one, yes. I didn’t check the one on the bottom. Oh!

 Oh! I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper. It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?

 I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper. It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?

 It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us?

 It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed. Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us? Um… Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

 Wait, Alex. Do you want to join us? Um… Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

 Um… Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station?

 Um… Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station? Given her what? If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

 Uh, Alex, a moment. I need a word with Dr. Hofstadter. Do you think it’s appropriate for her to sit with us, given her station? Given her what? If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

 Given her what? If I’ve learned anything from British television shows on PBS, it’s that servants dine downstairs with their own kind.

 Mmm, the nurse is a woman, so he couldn’t talk to her. She had to bring him a Grover puppet so he could point at what hurt. Oh, is that it? Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want? Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

 Oh, is that it? Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want? Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

 Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want? Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

 Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.

 Isn’t that enough? It had the weaponised fruit and a puppet. What more do you want? Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails. What do you got? I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

 Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails. What do you got? I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

 What do you got? I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.

 Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him. Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey. Where are we going? My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

 Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey. Where are we going? My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

 Where are we going? My limbic system wants to take your pants off.

 Howard’s capsule should be re-entering the atmosphere any minute. It’ll be good to have him back. The Fantastic Four reunited. Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

 It’ll be good to have him back. The Fantastic Four reunited. Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

 The Fantastic Four reunited. Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership.

 The Fantastic Four reunited. Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership. We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends. Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

 Yeah, you had a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We’ll remember you with nostalgic fondness, the way we do the dial-up modem, the VHS tape, or, or Leonard’s gym membership. We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends. Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

 We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends. Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker.

 We’re not kicking him out. Stuart and I have become good friends. Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker. I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store. Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.

 Okay, one vote for, one vote against. Leonard, you’re the tiebreaker. I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store. Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.

 I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store. Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply.

 I don’t have a problem with Stuart. Besides, he gives us a twenty percent discount at his comic book store. Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply. I can go thirty. Welcome aboard, old chum.

 Well, I don’t sell my friendship that cheaply. I can go thirty. Welcome aboard, old chum.

 I am now that you’re back. Come on, let’s go home so I can tear off those little pants. Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.

 Great. Just keep in mind astronauts lose a lot of muscle tone in space, so you might have to do most of the heavy lifting.

 Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened. You’re unbelievable. I know. All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?

 You’re unbelievable. I know. All right, Pictionary. What are the teams?

 I know. All right, Pictionary. What are the teams? How about boys versus girls? Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

 All right, Pictionary. What are the teams? How about boys versus girls? Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

 How about boys versus girls? Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage.

 How about boys versus girls? Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage. Once again, unbelievable. Yeah, once again, I know.

 Oh, that hardly seems fair. But I guess any team that I’m not on has a decided disadvantage. Once again, unbelievable. Yeah, once again, I know.

 Okay. Ready, set, go. Uh, box? Uh, window? Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman. Uh, gift? Uh, Present!

 Uh, box? Uh, window? Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman. Uh, gift? Uh, Present!

 Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman. Uh, gift? Uh, Present!

 Batman. Batman and Robin. Uh, Wonder Twins plus the monkey. Wonder Twins plus the monkey and Batman. Uh, gift? Uh, Present! Present! Yeah! Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?

 Uh, gift? Uh, Present! Present! Yeah! Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that?

 Present! Yeah! Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that? In what universe is that a present? It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

 Oh, Leonard. Now, how can you not get that? In what universe is that a present? It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

 In what universe is that a present? It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present.

 In what universe is that a present? It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present. Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them. It’s a quark-gluon plasma.

 It’s not a present, it’s the present. Look. There’s you and me. There’s Penny and Amy. We’re playing Pictionary. In the present. Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them. It’s a quark-gluon plasma.

 Oh, my God, we’re gonna kill them. It’s a quark-gluon plasma. No. It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.

 It’s a quark-gluon plasma. No. It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.

 No. It’s asymptotically free partons inside a quark-gluon plasma.

 It’s an observational rebuttal of the Lambda-CDM model of the universe. No. It’s a chocolate chip cookie. Yes.

 It’s a chocolate chip cookie. Yes. How could you miss that? Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

 Yes. How could you miss that? Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

 How could you miss that? Hey, if you want someone to guess chocolate chip cookie, you draw a glass of milk next to it.

 Penny got it. Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome. Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog. Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?

 Yeah, only after I eliminated all the obvious answers. You’re welcome. Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog. Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?

 Oh, uh, uh, uh, sausage. Uh, uh, uh, uh, bratwurst? Oh, oh, a hot dog. Penny, aren’t you gonna draw something?

 Relax, we got time, this is so fun. There. A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t… Now?

 There. A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t… Now?

 A solar system. Uh, uh, uh, uh, um, unidentified flying liverwurst? I don’t… Now?

 Come on, Leonard, I am spoon-feeding this to you. I don’t know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost? All right, that’s enough. (Draws) Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?

 I don’t know, uh, Casper the alcoholic ghost? All right, that’s enough. (Draws) Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish?

 All right, that’s enough. (Draws) Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish? Yep! Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

 Uh, hand. Uh, nail, polish? Yep! Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

 Yep! Wait, no, no. No. The word is Polish. See, look. Polish sausage. And the, the model of the solar system developed by Nicolaus Copernicus, a Polish astronomer. And then, finally, if that wasn’t enough, which it should have been, this is Madame Curie killing herself by discovering radium, who, although she was a naturalized French citizen, was Polish by birth.

 Bernadette? Bernie? Bernie? That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again) Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.

 That was amazing. You made me feel things I never… (starts snoring again) Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.

 Well, that was quick, and a little gross. Now, I know how she feels.

 Hey, Sheldon, you’re always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression got your ass handed to you come from? Don’t know. I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers. I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

 Don’t know. I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers. I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

 I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers. I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.

 I wonder if it’s from, like, ancient Rome where they’d actually chop somebody’s ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the god of losers. I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill. Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game. Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

 I am not a loser. Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill. Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game. Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

 Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game. Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie.

 Mmm, in all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills. It’s a pretty well-rounded game. Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie. All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything. All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.

 Lot of big talk from a man who can’t draw a chocolate chip cookie. All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything. All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.

 All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything. All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta.

 All right, fine, pick another game. Amy and I will beat you at anything. All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta. Oh, come on, what is that? It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

 All right. Let’s play Physics Fiesta. Oh, come on, what is that? It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

 Oh, come on, what is that? It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs?

 Oh, come on, what is that? It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs? En el acelerador de particulares. Bueno, mi amigo.

 It’s a game that I just invented, in which the participants answer physics questions in remedial Spanish. Um, ¿Dónde está el boson de Higgs? En el acelerador de particulares. Bueno, mi amigo.

 No, no, we’re not playing some dumb made-up game. All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. Just pick another game. Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

 All games are made up. They’re not found in nature. You don’t just dig in the ground, come across a rich vein of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. Just pick another game. Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

 Just pick another game. Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

 Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

 Just pick another game. Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo? No good, Sheldon doesn’t float. That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

 Why don’t we do something athletic like go over to the university pool and play water polo? No good, Sheldon doesn’t float. That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

 No good, Sheldon doesn’t float. That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

 No good, Sheldon doesn’t float. That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown. All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts? No, that’s not fair either.

 That is true. I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown. All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts? No, that’s not fair either.

 All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts? No, that’s not fair either.

 All right, let’s keep it simple. How about darts? No, that’s not fair either. Why not? Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

 No, that’s not fair either. Why not? Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

 Why not? Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.

 Darts is a bar game. You’ve been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age. Yeah, that’s when it started. Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out. Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

 Yeah, that’s when it started. Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out. Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

 Well, regardless, she has a distinct advantage in all tavern-based competitions. Pool, beer pong, wet T-shirt contests, they’re all out. Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

 Okay. Just for the record, I have never entered a wet T-shirt contest. I’ve won a few, but that’s just because I spill when I’m drunk, so…

 Um, house call. You’re a dentist. Yes, yes, I am. I think he’s on to us.

 I’m trying. Don’t yell at me. For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt. I know what he looks like. Oh, there he is, I got him.

 For goodness’ sake, he’s wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt. I know what he looks like. Oh, there he is, I got him.

 How could you not find him? Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo. 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute. Long division, long division. Go, go, go.

 Because he’s hard to find. If he was easy to find, the books would be called There’s Waldo. 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute. Long division, long division. Go, go, go.

 57, 58, 59, that’s one minute. Long division, long division. Go, go, go.

 Get up, we can’t lose at math. 37. Yes. Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

 37. Yes. Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

 Yes. Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

 Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin.

 Yes. Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin. Mwah! Stop that.

 Ready, set, wrestle. (Penny pins Sheldon straight away) One, two, three, pin. Mwah! Stop that.

 Yeah, yeah. Is he taller? At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.

 On the count of three. One, two… Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants. So? So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

 Wait. I’m a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants. So? So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

 So? So, with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

 Sheldon, we haven’t won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie or I’m gonna stick that pie in your face. That’s rude. One, two, three, eat. Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.

 That’s rude. One, two, three, eat. Hey, guys, guess who’s back from space.

 Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space. Well, Howard, that’s very nice of you. Yeah, maybe. Open it first. It’s my official NASA portrait.

 Well, Howard, that’s very nice of you. Yeah, maybe. Open it first. It’s my official NASA portrait.

 You know, you don’t worry about money. I’ll take care of everything. Really? Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party. But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

 Really? Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party. But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

 Yeah, you’ll love it. Ain’t no party like a Koothra-party. But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

 But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel.

 But you know what wasn’t a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it’s your last night on Earth. You’d think you’d get one porn channel. Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space? Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment. Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?

 Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space? Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment. Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?

 Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment. Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?

 Interesting hypothesis. Let’s apply the scientific method, perform an experiment. Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner? Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view. It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

 Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner? Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view. It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

 Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you don’t go there for the food, you go there for the view. It’s fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I’ve always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?

 He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy. Yeah, you’re really just making it worse.

 I think I’m gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger. Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave. So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume. I couldn’t agree more.

 Two tea bags in one cup? You’re not at a rave. So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume. I couldn’t agree more.

 So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume. I couldn’t agree more.

 So, listen, Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume. I couldn’t agree more. Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you. Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

 I couldn’t agree more. Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you. Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

 Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you. Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple.

 Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you. Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple. Yeah? R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.

 Oh, oh, on the contrary. Couples costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now imagine this, you and I entering Stuart’s party and all eyes turn to see America’s most beloved and glamorous couple. Yeah? R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio.

 Yeah? R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio. Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like. Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

 R2-D2 and C-3PO. Dibs on Threepio. Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like. Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

 Sheldon, when I said couples costume, I meant like Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don’t even like. Okay, I’m gonna let that slide because I know you’re hopped up on tea bags.

 No. I did have a shot with the Lisatronic, but the extension cord wasn’t long enough.

 Before I forget, I’d like your opinion on the menus I’ve prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is food that goes bump in the night. Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon. On Sesame seed Bunzillas. Night of the Living Garlic Bread?

 Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon. On Sesame seed Bunzillas. Night of the Living Garlic Bread?

 It’s funny because bread sounds like dead. I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie. Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it? That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

 I’m sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. The dishes themselves are in no way Halloweenie. Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it? That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

 Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That’s a good one. They’ll pair nicely with my Draculoni and Cheese. How do I do it? That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

 That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where’s your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

 Getting a little less cool, Leonard. But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him. There we go.

 But what I really am is a very smart scientist who understands the mechanics of the universe and is wearing the sexy black underwear you bought him. There we go.

 Clever. What’s wrong with you? Nothing. Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

 What’s wrong with you? Nothing. Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

 Nothing. Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

 Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you.

 Nothing. Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you. Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true? Yes.

 Oh, Howard, I’ve got a party to plan. Don’t make me pull it out of you. Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true? Yes.

 Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true? Yes.

 Okay, here it is. Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true? Yes. No. We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

 Yes. No. We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

 No. We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing.

 No. We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing. It’s called being nice. Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

 We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you’re doing. It’s called being nice. Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

 It’s called being nice. Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I’ll try it.

 Hello. It’s a great party. Thank you. The monster foods, they’re really fun. Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

 Thank you. The monster foods, they’re really fun. Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

 The monster foods, they’re really fun. Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

 Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all.

 Oh, yes, thank you. I like to think of fun things like that because I’m fun. I’m not clinically depressed at all. Sheldon, get in here. I should’ve picked hickey. Hey, hey, look at you guys!

 Sheldon, get in here. I should’ve picked hickey. Hey, hey, look at you guys!

 Yeah, I wish we looked as cool dancing in clubs as we do right now. Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs. You’re welcome, ladies. Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)

 Don’t worry, this is exactly how you look when you’re dancing in clubs. You’re welcome, ladies. Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)

 You’re welcome, ladies. Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off)

 You’re welcome, ladies. Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off) Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch. Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?

 Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen. (Switches game off) Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch. Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?

 Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch. Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means?

 Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch. Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means? That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.” I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…

 Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words with Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request. Do you understand what that means? That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.” I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…

 That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.” I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with…

 That somewhere right now Stephen Hawking is saying, damn it, I meant to click no.” I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with… I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk. Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.

 I’ll walk you through it. The game is not called Words with Strangers. No, it’s not even called Words with Acquaintances. It is called Words with… I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk. Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.

 I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk. Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old.

 I’m not finishing your sentence. You pulled the plug on my funk. Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old. That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you. And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

 Friends! It’s Words with Friends! Which Stephen Hawking and I officially are. Now all I need is a bunk bed with a slide, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted since I was six years old. That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you. And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

 That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you. And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked.

 That’s really nice, Sheldon, I’m happy for you. And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked. Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him. And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.

 And I’m happy for you, too. You are now friends with someone who is officially friends with Stephen Hawking. Enjoy it, boys. You may have peaked. Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him. And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.

 Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him. And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you’ll be off to the races.

 Really? You can’t think of anyone weirder? I can, but she’s sitting right there.

 Wow, my boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking and my new dandruff shampoo doesn’t smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy. It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down. You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises. What’s your point?

 It is glorious. One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And I’m spanking him so hard his grad students won’t be able to sit down. You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises. What’s your point?

 You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises. What’s your point?

 You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises. What’s your point? It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level. Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.

 What’s your point? It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level. Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.

 It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level. Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels.

 It’s exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level. Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels. Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points. Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.

 Ooh, my friend Stephen just played the word act for 18 points. That’s right, I call him Stephen now, because I checked, and he was not okay with Wheels. Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points. Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.

 Oh, you could turn his act into extract (pronounced with emphasis on act), and it would be for double points. Amy. Why would you give me a word? Now, if I play extract it would be cheating.

 Dude, my accent is brilliant. (In American accent) Hey, my snow-white American friends, let’s put some cow meat on the barbecue and eat it until we’re all obese. This is what you sound like. I think I’m talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I’m wearing a set of giant dentures. Sheldon, do I really sound like that? Tell him he sounds like that.

 This is what you sound like. I think I’m talking in an American accent, but it really sounds like I’m wearing a set of giant dentures. Sheldon, do I really sound like that? Tell him he sounds like that.

 Sheldon, do I really sound like that? Tell him he sounds like that.

 Sheldon, do I really sound like that? Tell him he sounds like that. Sheldon, you okay? It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?

 Tell him he sounds like that. Sheldon, you okay? It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?

 Sheldon, you okay? It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word?

 Sheldon, you okay? It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word? The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him. Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

 It’s been three days. Why hasn’t Stephen Hawking played a word? The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him. Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

 The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him. Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.

 The guy’s a genius. Maybe you weren’t challenging enough for him. Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl. There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller. Really?

 Not challenging? I was humiliating the man. I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl. There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller. Really?

 There’s the problem. You can’t beat Hawking like that. He hates to lose. Everyone knows the guy’s a big baby. I mean, forget the wheelchair, he should be in a stroller. Really?

 What are you doing? Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something. I did a bad thing. Does it affect me?

 Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something. I did a bad thing. Does it affect me?

 I did a bad thing. Does it affect me? No. Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.

 Does it affect me? No. Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.

 No. Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking.

 No. Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway. Stephen Hawking hates me.

 Then suffer in silence. Play. Play. Play. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. (Knock knock knock) Stephen Hawking. Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway. Stephen Hawking hates me.

 Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway. Stephen Hawking hates me.

 Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper, she didn’t want me to read it, I went behind her back and I read it anyway. Stephen Hawking hates me. I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad. I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?

 Stephen Hawking hates me. I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad. I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?

 I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad. I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?

 I don’t know what to do. I mean, the paper’s terrible. But if I tell her, she’ll know that I read it and she’ll get really mad. I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking? Is it possible we’re having two different conversations? How would I know? I’m not listening to you.

 I was beating him so bad, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking? Is it possible we’re having two different conversations? How would I know? I’m not listening to you.

 Is it possible we’re having two different conversations? How would I know? I’m not listening to you.

 Is it possible we’re having two different conversations? How would I know? I’m not listening to you. Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin. I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.

 How would I know? I’m not listening to you. Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin. I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.

 Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin. I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore.

 Hang on. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We’ll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin. I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore. He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it? Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.

 I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we’re not friends anymore. He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it? Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.

 He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it? Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now.

 He’s probably busy. You’re worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I’m sure he’ll play, and you’ll see that everything’s fine. My turn. I can’t let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it’s bad without letting her know that I read it? Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now. Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school… Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.

 Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking’s not busy because I can see he’s playing other people right now. Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school… Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.

 Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school… Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.

 Maybe since you’re so good, he’s taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school… Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose. Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her? Yeah, I hear you, brother.

 Wolowitz told me he’s a big baby. But I didn’t know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It’s all Amy’s fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose. Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her? Yeah, I hear you, brother.

 Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her? Yeah, I hear you, brother.

 Sheldon, I wasn’t done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she’s my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren’t I allowed to help her? Yeah, I hear you, brother. No. You need to give me some advice. Fine. Women, huh?

 Yeah, I hear you, brother. No. You need to give me some advice. Fine. Women, huh?

 No. You need to give me some advice. Fine. Women, huh? No, specific to my situation. Blonde women, huh?

 Fine. Women, huh? No, specific to my situation. Blonde women, huh?

 No, specific to my situation. Blonde women, huh? Empathetic. It sucks to be you.

 Empathetic. It sucks to be you. I quit. Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.

 It sucks to be you. I quit. Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.

 I quit. Leonard, wait. No. I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.

 Do I? Listen to me. I need to do this on my own. If I fail, I fail. If I pass, I pass. Do you get it? I’m sorry. I was just trying to help. Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker

 I’m sorry. I was just trying to help. Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker

 Yeah, well, next time don’t. Oh, and since you like stories so much, this is not The Shoemaker

 You ever hear back from Hawking? No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain. It’ll be okay. How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.

 No. It would appear as if I’ve lost him. Stupid brain. It’ll be okay. How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.

 It’ll be okay. How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.

 It’ll be okay. How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend. Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him. You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

 How can it be okay? Stephen Hawking’s a genius and he talks like a robot. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend. Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him. You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

 Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him. You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.

 Yeah, but if he’s a sore loser, maybe you’re better off without him. You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname. So, now all you have to do is let him win. Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.

 You’re right. I guess I just have to make lemonade out of the two of you. He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname. So, now all you have to do is let him win. Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.

 So, now all you have to do is let him win. Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.

 So, now all you have to do is let him win. Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world. What are you waiting for? Hit send. I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.

 Yeah, way ahead of you. I will play the word at for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world. What are you waiting for? Hit send. I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.

 What are you waiting for? Hit send. I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.

 What are you waiting for? Hit send. I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest. So don’t do it. Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.

 I can’t. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest. So don’t do it. Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend.

 So don’t do it. Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend. So do it. Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.

 Oh, but I want to be Hawking’s friend. So do it. Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.

 So do it. Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.

 So do it. Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser. Then don’t do it. I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.

 Oh, but if I do, I’ll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser. Then don’t do it. I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.

 Then don’t do it. I won’t. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.

 Nope. I have no reason to… “B” mad at you. Minus. Wow. That’s right. On my paper. Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf. I don’t know what to say.

 Wow. That’s right. On my paper. Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf. I don’t know what to say.

 That’s right. On my paper. Not yours, mine, you punk-ass elf. I don’t know what to say.

 Yeah, doing the prom queen’s homework so she’ll like us. I know. It’s finally working.

 Well answer it. I want to hear. Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call. Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper. Oh, me, too.

 Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call. Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper. Oh, me, too.

 Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper. Oh, me, too. Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha. Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.

 Oh, me, too. Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha. Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.

 Or should I say Dr. Loser? Ha, ha, ha. Yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.

 What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener neener.

 Cut. What’s wrong? Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden. Wooden?

 What’s wrong? Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden. Wooden?

 Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden. Wooden?

 Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden. Wooden? Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action. My friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Wooden? Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action. My friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Don’t worry, it wasn’t terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound. And action. My friend, Wil Wheaton.

 Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Now what’s interesting about this flag… Cut. What was wrong with that? It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.

 Cut. What was wrong with that? It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.

 What was wrong with that? It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.

 It’s called Fun with Flags. They’re not at half-mast, nobody died. Let’s try and keep it upbeat.

 You’ll have to forgive me. This is my first time directing, I just want it to be good. So do I. Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action. And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?

 So do I. Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action. And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?

 Great. So, this time let’s try more real boy, less Pinocchio. And action. And cut. You realize that I’m doing this for free, right?

 Yes. And so far, we’re still not getting our money’s worth. Let’s try it again. Everybody’s having fun. And action. So, Wil, what do you have for us first? Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Cut.

 So, Wil, what do you have for us first? Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Cut.

 Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Cut.

 Well, this is an exciting one. This is the flag of the United Federation of Planets. Cut. Problem, first-time director? Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.

 Cut. Problem, first-time director? Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.

 Problem, first-time director? Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps.

 Oh, none that I could see. I saw a man who loved flags almost as much as I do. I got goose bumps. He was overacting on purpose. Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner. Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

 He was overacting on purpose. Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner. Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

 Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner. Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

 Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.

 Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner. Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time. You gonna let him speak to me like that? Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

 Listen, Sheldon, I’m really happy to do this for you, but not if she’s gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time. You gonna let him speak to me like that? Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

 You gonna let him speak to me like that? Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

 You gonna let him speak to me like that? Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think? Can I speak to you for a second? I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.

 Well, you’re my girlfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton’s my friend and I don’t want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think? Can I speak to you for a second? I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.

 Can I speak to you for a second? I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself.

 Can I speak to you for a second? I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself. I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave. Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

 I’ll be right back. Feel free to play with yourself. I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave. Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

 I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave. Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him.

 I don’t care for your friend, he’s being rude to me. You need to ask him to leave. Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him. Fine. Then maybe I should go. Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?

 Amy, I can’t just ask Wil Wheaton to leave. He’s a minor celebrity. Once you explain who he is, many people recognize him. Fine. Then maybe I should go. Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?

 Fine. Then maybe I should go. Could you? That would solve everything. You are the best. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?

 Howard, help, my hand’s stuck in the garbage disposal. Let go of whatever piece of food you’re holding. Are you kidding? It’s a perfectly good chicken leg.

 Let go of whatever piece of food you’re holding. Are you kidding? It’s a perfectly good chicken leg.

 Hey, look who’s out after dark, like a big boy. I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet. I thought you had plans with Amy. Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.

 I was out raising heck with Mr. Wil Wheaton. Four hours more and we would have closed down the HomeTown Buffet. I thought you had plans with Amy. Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.

 I thought you had plans with Amy. Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet.

 I thought you had plans with Amy. Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet. Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? Yes, quite the kerfuffle.

 Yeah, I did, but then Wil called Amy a pain in the A-S-S. She got huffy and left, then Wil and I headed out to dinner. That place really did remind me of my hometown. Because there we also have a HomeTown Buffet. Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? Yes, quite the kerfuffle.

 Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? Yes, quite the kerfuffle.

 Hold on. Wil and Amy had an argument? Yes, quite the kerfuffle. Then Amy got mad and left? Walked right out the door.

 Yes, quite the kerfuffle. Then Amy got mad and left? Walked right out the door.

 Then Amy got mad and left? Walked right out the door. And you? Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

 Walked right out the door. And you? Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

 And you? Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now.

 And you? Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now. Buddy, I think Amy might be upset. Why’s that?

 Enjoyed a delightful dinner at a reasonable price. The manager recognized Wil and let us sit right next to the frozen yoghurt machine. Right next to it. I was closer to it than I am to you right now. Buddy, I think Amy might be upset. Why’s that?

 Buddy, I think Amy might be upset. Why’s that? Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him. You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

 Why’s that? Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him. You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

 Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him. You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot.

 Because your friend was rude to her, and then you went to dinner with him. You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot. Trust me, call her. Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.

 You’re just repeating what I said. It’s like living with a lactose-intolerant parrot. Trust me, call her. Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.

 Trust me, call her. Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close.

 Trust me, call her. Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close. What? You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

 Fine. It’s a shame you didn’t go to dinner with us, because the buffet you’re about to enjoy only serves humble pie, a dessert much less tasty than frozen yoghurt. I was this close. What? You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

 What? You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight.

 What? You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight. I’m mad at you, Sheldon. Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.

 You’ll appreciate this. Leonard has some ridiculous notion that you’re mad at me. Tell him you’re not mad at me. Go ahead, set him straight. I’m mad at you, Sheldon. Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.

 I’m mad at you, Sheldon. Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry.

 Hmm. Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they’re angry, they’re really just hungry. I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything. Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math? Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.

 I’m not hungry. Your friend insulted me, and you didn’t do anything. Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math? Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.

 Precisely, I didn’t do anything. Now does someone feel like checking her emotional math? Keep going, buddy, you’re doing great.

 Wow, excuse me. That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.

 That was just for her benefit. I’ll move tomorrow. I love you. Don’t leave me.

 Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favour? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room. We’re not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself. Fine, let’s go.

 We’re not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself. Fine, let’s go.

 Hey. What brings you in? Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls. I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

 Penny, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to have a conversation about girls. I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

 I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

 I had a feeling we’d have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19. And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking? Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

 Penny, please, I’m on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19. And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking? Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

 And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking? Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

 And for the record, bleugh. So what are you drinking? Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it. You could have a Long Island Iced Tea. Will that calm my nerves?

 Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it. You could have a Long Island Iced Tea. Will that calm my nerves?

 You could have a Long Island Iced Tea. Will that calm my nerves?

 You could have a Long Island Iced Tea. Will that calm my nerves? It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times. Sold.

 Will that calm my nerves? It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times. Sold.

 It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times. Sold. Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

 Sold. Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

 Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

 Oh. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle. Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle. It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

 The trouble isn’t with me, Penny, it’s with your gender. Someday, scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle. Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle. It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

 Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle. It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek.

 Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It’ll warm her twaddle. It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek. Honey, you can’t make people like each other. Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

 It’s a Band-Aid at best. See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling because they’re both crazy about me. And I like them, which indicates they’re bright and interesting and/or were on Star Trek. Honey, you can’t make people like each other. Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

 Honey, you can’t make people like each other. Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

 Honey, you can’t make people like each other. Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party. You might want to pace yourself. I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.

 Not true. Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. Boy, that is a treat that’s hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party. You might want to pace yourself. I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.

 You might want to pace yourself. I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.

 You might want to pace yourself. I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing. Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. My problem is I’m out of tea.

 I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing. Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. My problem is I’m out of tea.

 Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. My problem is I’m out of tea.

 Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. My problem is I’m out of tea. Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk. Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

 My problem is I’m out of tea. Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk. Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

 Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk. Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

 Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it. I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk. Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing. Sorry. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

 Penny, please, I think I’ve evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing. Sorry. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

 Sorry. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

 Sorry. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman. Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

 On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman. Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

 Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

 Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel. Yeah, that she is. Here you go. I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.

 Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter’s deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don’t have to look at them. She’s a unique blend of saint and squirrel. Yeah, that she is. Here you go. I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.

 Yeah, that she is. Here you go. I’m a callous egomaniac. She’s gonna leave me.

 Can’t we talk about this? No husband of mine is gonna break his mother’s heart!

 Hey, Sheldon, what’s up? Wouldn’t you like to know? Have you been drinking? Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.

 Wouldn’t you like to know? Have you been drinking? Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.

 Have you been drinking? Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had.

 Have you been drinking? Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had. Why are you here? I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?

 Just tea. S’the best tea I’ve ever had. Why are you here? I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?

 Why are you here? I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more?

 Why are you here? I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more? Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful. You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

 I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas. Need I say more? Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful. You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

 Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful. You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

 Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful. You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come. Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight? My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

 You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour. Two! It was two. (Knock, knock, knock) Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come. Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight? My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

 Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight? My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

 Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight? My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you. Okay, I’m sorry. Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

 My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow. They’re up to beat an apology out of you. Okay, I’m sorry. Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

 Okay, I’m sorry. Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

 Cut. Yikes, this guy is worse than Wil Wheaton. I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend. Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?

 I don’t know what she’s talking about, but I’m obligated to agree with her. She’s my girlfriend. Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?

 It’s a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe. Oh, you silly doodlebug. You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us. It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)

 Oh, you silly doodlebug. You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us. It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)

 You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us. It’s a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down. (Hands Howard the napkin)

 Really? Here? If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll switch partners, even though the thing’s due next week and everyone already has a partner and I’ll probably end up failing the class. That’d be great. Thank you.

 If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll switch partners, even though the thing’s due next week and everyone already has a partner and I’ll probably end up failing the class. That’d be great. Thank you.

 Two forty-four, Right on schedule. Hey, Sheldon. Oh, hello. Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us? No, thank you.

 Oh, hello. Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us? No, thank you.

 Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us? No, thank you.

 Raj and I are heading over to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come with us? No, thank you. Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place. I’m quite sure. Good day.

 No, thank you. Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place. I’m quite sure. Good day.

 Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place. I’m quite sure. Good day.

 Are you sure? They turn off the lights, and it’s like a cute little laser show that poops all over the place. I’m quite sure. Good day. Well, where are you going? Where are you going?

 I’m quite sure. Good day. Well, where are you going? Where are you going?

 Well, where are you going? Where are you going? We just told you. I just told you.

 He is kind of a weirdo. Maybe he’s got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates. Or Stephen Hawking. Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking? Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.

 Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking? Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.

 Howard, please, you can’t treat the man differently just because he’s disabled. That’s not okay.

 If you’re wondering why I’ve been staring through the peephole, I’m trying to get a look at this guy who’s coming over to Penny’s. To be honest, I didn’t know you were here. It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care. You think you don’t care?

 To be honest, I didn’t know you were here. It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care. You think you don’t care?

 It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care. You think you don’t care?

 It’s not a big deal. He’s just in her history class. They’re working on a project together. I don’t even know why I care. You know what, I don’t care. You think you don’t care? This is silly. I have nothing to worry about. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.

 You think you don’t care? This is silly. I have nothing to worry about. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.

 This is silly. I have nothing to worry about. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about.

 This is silly. I have nothing to worry about. Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about. What do you mean? Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.

 Oh, I don’t know. I mean, statistically speaking, I’m sure you have something to worry about. What do you mean? Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.

 What do you mean? Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.

 What do you mean? Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade. Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things. Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.

 Well, if we assume your looks are average, yeah, right off the bat, fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That’s one point five billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade. Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things. Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.

 Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things. Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products.

 Well, yeah, but this isn’t just about looks. I’m, I’m way above average in a lot of other things. Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products. I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity. You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.

 Not height, vision, athleticism, or ability to digest dairy products. I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity. You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.

 I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity. You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole.

 I’m talking about important things like emotional maturity. You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole. I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here. I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

 You were just spying on your girlfriend through a peephole. I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here. I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

 I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here. I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

 I liked it better when you thought I wasn’t here. I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes. None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy. Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.

 I’m not saying you don’t have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you’re a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You’re a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes. None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy. Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.

 None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy. Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist.

 None of this matters. I trust that Penny cares about me, and nothing’s gonna happen with this guy. Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist. What? While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.

 Well, unless of course he’s a skilled hypnotist. What? While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.

 What? While unlikely, it’s still a statistical possibility. She might be performing sexual acts with him and not even know it.

 Oh, my God, here he comes. This is it. What the hell is that thing? I don’t know. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

 What the hell is that thing? I don’t know. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

 I don’t know. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

 This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.

 Oh! It’s eating my face! Aah! It’s eating his face! I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Sheldon, we’re really sorry.

 Aah! It’s eating his face! I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Sheldon, we’re really sorry.

 I found your webcam and replaced the video feed. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Sheldon, we’re really sorry.

 Sheldon, we’re really sorry. Yeah, really sorry. Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge. But what are you doing in there?

 Yeah, really sorry. Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge. But what are you doing in there?

 Sorry? You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want to. It’s exhausting. Which is why, for twenty minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge. But what are you doing in there?

 Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You’re just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness. No, you’re displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing. Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages. That’s called a fashion choice.

 No, you’re displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing. Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages. That’s called a fashion choice.

 Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages. That’s called a fashion choice.

 Oh, yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages. That’s called a fashion choice. All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him. If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

 That’s called a fashion choice. All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him. If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

 All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him. If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie, that’s been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

 Oh, they’re not the same thing. You get a cookie, too. Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning? Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?

 You get a cookie, too. Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning? Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?

 Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning? Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell?

 Thanks. Guess who picked up his new car this morning? Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell? Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294. I’m sorry, 294?

 Congratulations. Does it have that new car smell? Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294. I’m sorry, 294?

 Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294. I’m sorry, 294?

 Yep. For as long as I can keep my mother out of it. If you want to check it out later, it’s parked right out front, space 294. I’m sorry, 294? Yeah. That’s my parking spot.

 Yeah. That’s my parking spot. Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive. It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.

 That’s my parking spot. Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive. It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.

 Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive. It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot.

 Why do you have a parking spot? You don’t have a car. You don’t even drive. It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot. Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it. Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.

 It doesn’t matter. That’s my spot. Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it. Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.

 Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it. Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those.

 Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it. Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those. Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space. I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

 Well, I’m not using my nipples, either. Maybe they should reassign those. Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space. I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

 Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space. I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

 Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I’m sure they’ll give you another parking space. I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks. Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car. Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

 I don’t want another parking space. I want my parking space. It’s perfect. It’s a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It’s a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks. Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car. Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

 Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car. Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.

 Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don’t have a car. Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars. Are you listening to yourself? I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.

 Don’t try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars. Are you listening to yourself? I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.

 Are you listening to yourself? I always listen to myself. It’s one of the great joys of my life. Now, get your car out of my spot.

 Well, he’s not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station. Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow? Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal. No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.

 Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow? Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal. No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.

 Sheldon, let it go. It’s not a big deal. No, no, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. It starts with a parking space, where does it end? It’s like my dad always said, first they say you can’t drink and drive, next thing you know, you can’t let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat.

 All that story does is make me feel bad for your mother. Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side? Because I can never understand your side.

 Leonard, you’re my best friend. Why don’t you ever take my side? Because I can never understand your side.

 Give it back. I’m sorry, but could you be more specific? My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back. Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?

 I’m sorry, but could you be more specific? My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back. Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?

 My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back. Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it?

 My Iron Man helmet. Koothrappali saw you take it. Give it back. Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it? Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back. I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.

 Oh, that. Well, see, I wanted it, and you weren’t using it. Apparently, those are the rules we live by now. Payback, it truly is the B word, isn’t it? Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back. I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.

 Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back. I’d love to help you out, but unfortunately (puts helmet on), I’m using it.

 Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs. I don’t have to take this. I’m gonna go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn’t mean it that way,

 I don’t have to take this. I’m gonna go home and have sex with my husband right now. Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in the parking spot. Which sounds dirty, but I didn’t mean it that way,

 Sheldon? Cookie. I don’t have any. Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)

 Cookie. I don’t have any. Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)

 I don’t have any. Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap)

 Well, I’m not giving it away. (Enters apartment. Howard is sitting naked in his spot with a laptop on his lap) Hi Sheldon. He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot. Howard, what are you doing?

 Hi Sheldon. He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot. Howard, what are you doing?

 He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot. Howard, what are you doing?

 He’s in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot. Howard, what are you doing? He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on. Get off there.

 Howard, what are you doing? He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on. Get off there.

 He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on. Get off there.

 He wasn’t using it. And I needed a nice cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on. Get off there. Give me back my Iron Man helmet. Give me back my parking space.

 Get off there. Give me back my Iron Man helmet. Give me back my parking space.

 Give me back my Iron Man helmet. Give me back my parking space.

 Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And you know, I have to say, I thought you’d be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk. I didn’t pick up on that. That’s a nice touch. Mmm.

 This is so exciting. I’m feeling all tingly. Although that could just be my newly defoliated bikini zone. Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us. Freaking pigs. Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.

 Keep a lookout. This place is swarming with campus security. They will not hesitate to scold us. Freaking pigs. Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.

 Freaking pigs. Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here.

 Freaking pigs. Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here. Wait, I’m leaving my car here? Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.

 Oh, yeah. Okay, now, pull your car into the spot and let’s get out of here. Wait, I’m leaving my car here? Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.

 Wait, I’m leaving my car here? Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge.

 Wait, I’m leaving my car here? Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge. Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today. All right, colour me intrigued.

 Yes, and be sure and put on the emergency brake. Really makes these things tough to budge. Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today. All right, colour me intrigued.

 Before I park, come in the back seat. I want to show you something I had done today. All right, colour me intrigued.

 What the hell are you doing? Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it. Okay, you need to move now. No, I don’t.

 Oh. You said I’m not using my space, so I’m using it. Okay, you need to move now. No, I don’t.

 Okay, you need to move now. No, I don’t. You can’t stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)

 No, I don’t. You can’t stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)

 You can’t stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones)

 You can’t stay there forever. Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones) Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon, Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?

 Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can. Give up, Wolowitz. You’ve chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can’t defeat. There is nothing you could possibly do to… (Howard starts sounding his horn. Sheldon puts on earphones) Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon, Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?

 Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon, Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what?

 Those aren’t gonna help you, Sheldon, Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what? I’m warning you, Sheldon! Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.

 Oh, yes, they are. I mean, what? I’m warning you, Sheldon! Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.

 I’m warning you, Sheldon! Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that.

 I’m warning you, Sheldon! Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that. Get out of my spot. No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.

 Your threats are empty, nothing can move me. (Howard starts pushing his chair with the front of the car) Stop that. Get out of my spot. No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.

 Get out of my spot. No. That’s it. I am calling campus security. You prepare for the scolding of your life.

 What are you idiots doing? He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence. Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate? You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.

 He’s trying to kill me, Leonard. Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence. Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate? You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.

 Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate? You’re both acting like lunatics. It’s just a parking spot.

 It’s not just a parking spot. He can’t handle the fact that I’m a bigger deal than he is now. Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Can you believe this guy? What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.

 Oh, preposterous. I have been solely responsible for this university’s six loop quantum gravity calculations, I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates, and I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine. Maybe you missed that news while you were floating around like a goof in outer space. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Can you believe this guy? What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.

 Can you believe this guy? What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over.

 Can you believe this guy? What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over. Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)  Hey, sweet ride.

 What I don’t believe is that you tried to run him over. Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)  Hey, sweet ride.

 Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)  Hey, sweet ride.

 Oh, like you’ve never thought of doing that. Don’t hate me just because I lived the dream. (Horn beeps. Sheldon is sitting naked in Howard’s car.)  Hey, sweet ride. What are you doing in there? Just breaking in your new car.

 Hey, sweet ride. What are you doing in there? Just breaking in your new car.

 Just breaking in your new car. Stop that. You stop that. You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.

 Stop that. You stop that. You know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served nude.

 Oh, of course, come in. (Raj opens door to reveal Howard) This is an authentic Chinese throwing star, and I must warn you, I have seen many people throw them in movies. Calm down. Howard has something he wants to say to you. All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard… Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.

 Calm down. Howard has something he wants to say to you. All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard… Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.

 All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard… Howard, that’s not how we practiced it.

 All right. Sheldon, when this whole thing with the parking space started, I had no idea just how much of a crazy bastard… Howard, that’s not how we practiced it. I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street. Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.

 Howard, that’s not how we practiced it. I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street. Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.

 I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street. Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man.

 I had no idea how much that spot meant to you. Anyway, I called President Siebert and told him it’s not worth fighting over the spot, so you keep it, and I’ll park in the structure across the street. Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man. Thank you. Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

 Well, Howard, thank you. It’s quite a gesture on your part. You’ve shown yourself to be the bigger man. Thank you. Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

 Thank you. Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

 Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile. Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say. There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it. Just say it.

 Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don’t know what to say. There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it. Just say it.

 There is nothing to say. Except I’m the bigger man. I’m not kidding. Say it. Just say it.

 Just say it. You’re the bigger man, Sheldon. Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

 You’re the bigger man, Sheldon. Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

 You know, I’m kind of glad this happened. Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer. Yeah, everybody’s happy, great.

 Me, too. In some weird way, I kind of feel like it brought us closer. Yeah, everybody’s happy, great.

 Can I help you? Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle. A what? A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?

 Yes. According to information I gleaned from Yelp, you had great success when a santeriasuzy37 brought you a pair of leather slacks stained with chicken blood. I believe I may have a similar problem. This cushion experienced a nude revenge wiggle. A what? A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?

 A what? A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue?

 A what? A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue? Lipid what? Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

 A naked man sat on it. Now, here’s my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What test do you have to detect lipid residue? Lipid what? Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

 Lipid what? Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

 Lipid what? Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will. Tuesday okay? Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.

 Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will. Tuesday okay? Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.

 Tuesday okay? Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level.

 Tuesday okay? Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level. Let me write you a ticket. Is that your son?

 Don’t rush it. We may be dealing with befoulment on a molecular level. Let me write you a ticket. Is that your son?

 Uh-huh. Looks like that laptop’s seen better days. If you’re interested, I’m selling this. It’s only two years old, 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut’s penis.

 Why would it trouble you? It’s, like, your third favourite cartoon theme song. It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell. Turtle power! However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.

 It is, right behind do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget., and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes in a half-shell. Turtle power! However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.

 Turtle power! However, the Spider-Man lyrics posit that Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can.

 Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie’s bad when my homegirl Sandy B can’t save it. Penny’s working tonight, I’m in. Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents. Fun. We know how much you love that.

 Penny’s working tonight, I’m in. Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents. Fun. We know how much you love that.

 Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents. Fun. We know how much you love that.

 Not me. I’m having dinner with Bernadette and her parents. Fun. We know how much you love that. It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common. You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

 Fun. We know how much you love that. It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common. You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

 It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common. You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders.

 It’s torture. Especially with her dad. We have nothing in common. You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders. Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law. No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.

 You know what I like to do when I’m forced to speak with those beneath my intellectual station? I bring up an interesting topic, like the difference between Spider-Man and spiders. Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law. No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.

 Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law. No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China.

 Thanks, Sheldon. I’ll try that with my father-in-law. No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China. Great, thank you. Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.

 No, you can’t use that one. That’s mine. Uh, try this one for an ice-breaker. Uh, despite popular lore, there is no place in the continental United States, Alaska or Hawaii from which one can dig straight through the centre of the earth and come up in China. Great, thank you. Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.

 Great, thank you. Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry.

 Great, thank you. Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry. What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight? Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.

 Actually, you can’t have that one either. It’s too good. Sorry. What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight? Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.

 What about you, Sheldon? Do you have any plans tonight? Sadly, yes. Amy’s taking me to a memorial service. It’s for one of her colleagues who is of Asian descent, so my planned conversational gambit is to casually remark that no matter how deep they dig his grave, he’ll never make his way back to China.

 That should lighten the mood. What can I say? I put the fun in funeral.

 Hello, Sheldon. I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe? I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral. You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.

 I’m not allowed to wear my Silver Surfer neck tie, but you can wear a bathrobe? I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral. You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.

 I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral. You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.

 I think I’m too sick to go to the funeral. You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya. Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me? Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.

 You’re sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya. Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me? Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.

 Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me? Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor.

 Sheldon, aren’t you gonna take care of me? Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor. But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them. Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.

 Me? No. No, I’m not that kind of doctor. But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them. Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.

 But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them. Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny.

 But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them. Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny. Never mind. Good night, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.

 Oh, no, I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I’m ill. When you’re feeling better, you’ll think that’s funny. Never mind. Good night, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.

 Never mind. Good night, Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. Additionally, you are my girlfriend, and I care about your well-being.

 Sheldon, you don’t get over the flu in half an hour. Well, not with that attitude. I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking. I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?

 Well, not with that attitude. I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking. I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?

 I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking. I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect?

 I have to say, I’m finding your bedside manner a little lacking. I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect? Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity. Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

 I’m sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect? Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity. Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

 Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity. Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath.

 Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity. Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath. Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest. How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

 Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath. Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest. How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

 Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest. How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

 Sheldon, this isn’t helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest. How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest. You, you want to rub something on my chest? Yes. All over it.

 How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest. You, you want to rub something on my chest? Yes. All over it.

 You can do it. That’s great. Cheerleading, way to man things up.

 That was great. Rub my chest again. (Knock at door)  No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door) How’s the poor thing? Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

 No. I need to get you down for a nap. And for some reason, that VapoRub gets you all fired up. (Opens door) How’s the poor thing? Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

 How’s the poor thing? Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking.

 How’s the poor thing? Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking. Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts. Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?

 Oh, I’m hanging in there. Thanks for asking. Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts. Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?

 Okay, Amy, I brought you some drugs we were working on in the lab. This is proving really good for congestion, but there’s a slight chance it can make your tears burn like acid, so if you take it, happy thoughts. Uh, I’m going to draw you a soothing bath. Where’s your bath thermometer?

 Great. Here you go. What you’re going to do is you’re going to stick your thumb down its throat, grab the guts and pull. Here we go. Oh! Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)

 Here we go. Oh! Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)

 Oh, look, it’s a female. You can see all the eggs. (All the guys gag)

 Oh, Sheldon, am I glad you’re back. Taking a turn for the worst. I think I’m going to need another bath. I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab. Oh? I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.

 I’m surprised to hear that. See, the other day, I was concerned that you weren’t recovering, so while you were sleeping, I took a cheek swab and had it cultured in the lab. Oh? I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.

 Oh? I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire.

 Oh? I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire. All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me. It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.

 I got the results back. Have you developed any of the following symptoms? A growing nose, or perhaps a warm sensation in the trouser region? Also known as full-blown liar, liar, pants on fire. All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me. It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.

 All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me. It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour.

 All right, all right. But I really was sick at the beginning. It’s just been so nice having you take care of me. It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour. I feel terrible I did this. It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.

 It hurts that you would lie to me, Amy. I thought our relationship was based on trust and a mutual admiration that skews in my favour. I feel terrible I did this. It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.

 I feel terrible I did this. It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future.

 I feel terrible I did this. It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future. I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest? In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.

 It pains me to say it, but I think some form of penalty is in order, so as to discourage this type of behaviour in the future. I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest? In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.

 I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest? In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit.

 I suppose that’s fair. What do you suggest? In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit. I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie. Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

 In a perfect world, I’d lock you in a stockade in the public square. That probably requires a permit. I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie. Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

 I could not be allowed to go to the opening of the next Star Trek movie. Oh, that seems overly harsh. I mean, you gave in to a human weakness, you didn’t kill a man. You know, it’s a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.

 One second. I want to put on some music. Why? I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me. Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.

 Why? I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me. Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.

 I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me. Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin.

 I don’t want to disturb the people next door while you discipline me. Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin. Oh, my. Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.

 Very well, then. Get over my knee. Let’s begin. Oh, my. Excuse me. You’re not supposed to be enjoying this.

 Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore. Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games? Little bit, yeah.

 Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games? Little bit, yeah.

 Oh, great! I’ve always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited. Why not? Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.

 Yeah, oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve mentioned this earlier. You’re not invited. Why not? Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.

 Why not? Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.

 All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you. A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas. What’s wrong with Christmas? Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

 A Christmas gift? You know I don’t enjoy Christmas. What’s wrong with Christmas? Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

 What’s wrong with Christmas? Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

 What’s wrong with Christmas? Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?Pirate with a peg leg? Actually that helps, thank you.

 Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words ’tis and ’twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?Pirate with a peg leg? Actually that helps, thank you.

Pirate with a peg leg? Actually that helps, thank you. Would you just look inside? Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.

 Actually that helps, thank you. Would you just look inside? Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.

 Would you just look inside? Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They’re my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that’s a saucy twist. That leader’s name, Santa Claus. No, no, no.

 Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly. Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa’s village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place. Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass. Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa’s village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place. Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass. Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

 Oh, man, the first monster I see, I’m gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass. Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

 And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor. Okay, guys, let’s make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front. No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you. Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.

 Okay, guys, let’s make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front. No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you. Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.

 No, screw that noise, I’m going in. Hang on, Santa, I’m coming for you. Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.

 Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you’re out of the game.

 Lucky. Okay, come on, moving on. Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me. Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

 Okay, come on, moving on. Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me. Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

 Wait, doesn’t anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you’ve got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me. Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

 Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

 Can we please move this along? Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest. Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile. Great. What do you do?

 Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest. Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile. Great. What do you do?

 Excuse me, I’m a married man now. I wasn’t going to say anything so juvenile. Great. What do you do?

 That’s not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia. Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory. Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav? Walls are getting closer.

 Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory. Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav? Walls are getting closer.

 Oh, boy, happy place, happy place. Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia. You’re ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight. What are we supposed to do?

 Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia. You’re ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight. What are we supposed to do?

 You’re ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight. What are we supposed to do?

 Seven, six. Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol. Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. Three, two.

 Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol. Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. Three, two.

 Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. Three, two.

 Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. Three, two. Somebody sing the damn song. Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even

 Three, two. Somebody sing the damn song. Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even

 Somebody sing the damn song. Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay ’round about, deep and crisp and even

 The walls are getting slower. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.The walls stop. You’re safe. That was amazing, Sheldon.

 Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel.The walls stop. You’re safe. That was amazing, Sheldon.

The walls stop. You’re safe. That was amazing, Sheldon. How did you know that? It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.

 That was amazing, Sheldon. How did you know that? It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.

 How did you know that? It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.

 Think harder. Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?

 Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn’t, I mean, at all. What?

 Done? I think the word you’re looking for is bravo. Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?

 I think the word you’re looking for is bravo. Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?

 Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water?

 Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water? I don’t know. What’s the difference? Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.

 Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water? I don’t know. What’s the difference? Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.

 I don’t know. What’s the difference? Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture.

 I don’t know. What’s the difference? Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture. Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water. What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?

 Well it’s a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture. Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water. What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?

 Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water. What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes?

 You see those, too. Oh, it’s like I’m really there. I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. Good story.

 Oh, it’s like I’m really there. I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. Good story.

 I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. Good story.

 I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I’ve had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. Good story. What are you drinking there? A little eggnog? Yes. What, is there a problem?

 Good story. What are you drinking there? A little eggnog? Yes. What, is there a problem?

 What are you drinking there? A little eggnog? Yes. What, is there a problem?

 What are you drinking there? A little eggnog? Yes. What, is there a problem? No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy. Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.

 Yes. What, is there a problem? No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy. Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.

 No, it’s nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy. Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year ’round. I’ve been known to enjoy this poolside.

 Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you’ve got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You’re getting a little Yuletide spirit. Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you? Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now. What was so bad about them?

 Oh, don’t be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you? Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now. What was so bad about them?

 Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now. What was so bad about them?

 Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I’m tired of you sucking the joy out of them now. What was so bad about them? I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded. No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.

 What was so bad about them? I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded. No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.

 I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he’d been there because the paper would be graded. No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.

 My carpal tunnel’s acting up. Play through the pain. You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me. Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.

 Play through the pain. You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me. Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.

 You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me. Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.

 Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that.

 You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me. Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that. I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

 Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don’t ever tell my mother I said that. I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

 I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

 I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard. Wait, what are you doing? You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?

 But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard. Wait, what are you doing? You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?

 Wait, what are you doing? You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right?

 Wait, what are you doing? You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right? Uh, okay. My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

 You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn’t that right? Uh, okay. My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

 Uh, okay. My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

 Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn’t bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain’t one of ’em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly! Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

 Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

 Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep. Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots. Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them. I understand.

 Well, then, you shouldn’t have jingle bells on your boots. Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them. I understand.

 Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them. I understand.

 Oh. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I’m sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn’t one of them. I understand. But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes. Oh, I hope it’s a train.

 I understand. But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes. Oh, I hope it’s a train.

 But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes. Oh, I hope it’s a train.

 But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes. Oh, I hope it’s a train. Oh, it’s better than a train. Two trains?

 Oh, I hope it’s a train. Oh, it’s better than a train. Two trains?

 Oh, it’s better than a train. Two trains? Better. I’m getting three trains.

 Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense… Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)

 Ah, I’d love to, but I’m supposed to hang out with Penny. Well, bring her. Well, she’s not really into that kind of stuff. Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.

 Well, bring her. Well, she’s not really into that kind of stuff. Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.

 Well, she’s not really into that kind of stuff. Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.

 Yeah, okay. Well, if you want to hear about the lecture, I can tell you all about it at work, or, you know, over dinner sometime.

 You look like my little cousin when he’s dropping one in his diaper. She knows I have a girlfriend. It’s so weird. Oh, my God. You’re loving this. To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.

 She knows I have a girlfriend. It’s so weird. Oh, my God. You’re loving this. To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.

 Oh, my God. You’re loving this. To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.

 To my bones. I mean, I’m not gonna do anything about it. I love Penny. It’s just nice to have a young, attractive woman sniffing around the goods.

 I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again. Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning? Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move. I didn’t steal anyone.

 Ah, gentlemen, what is on the conversational menu this morning? Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move. I didn’t steal anyone.

 Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move. I didn’t steal anyone.

 Leonard stole my woman, and he knew full well I was only six to eight months away from making my move. I didn’t steal anyone. Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it. Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.

 I didn’t steal anyone. Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it. Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.

 Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it. Well, that’s not acceptable. I mean, I’m her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.

 What do you guys think I should do? I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.

 I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.

 What is happening? I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names. Who’s involved? Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

 I need your advice about a delicate workplace situation. Uh, to protect those involved, I’ll be changing their names. Who’s involved? Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

 Who’s involved? Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally.

 Who’s involved? Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally. You’re talking about Leonard. No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.

 Well, a short, bespectacled colleague of mine who lives in the shadow of his brilliant roommate. Let’s call this colleague Ricardo Shilly-Shally. You’re talking about Leonard. No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.

 You’re talking about Leonard. No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.

 You’re talking about Leonard. No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady. It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it? No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.

 No, no, Shilly-Shally has red hair and, uh, he briefly served in the Mexican Navy. Anyway, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady. It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it? No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.

 It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it? No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.

 It’s your assistant Alex, isn’t it? No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia. Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex? No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?

 No. No. No. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia. Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex? No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?

 Wait, what the hell’s going on with Leonard and Alex? No, uh, no, I’m sorry. Who’s talking about Leonard and Alex?

 Fine. Ricardo and Tondelaya. Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things. I’m gonna kill her. I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.

 Okay, look, it’s not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn’t quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice, which is surprising because Dr. Einstein Von Brainstorm, he’s usually pretty smart about these things. I’m gonna kill her. I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.

 I’m gonna kill her. I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.

 I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you.

 I’m gonna kill her. I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you. She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower. Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.

 I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Leonard would never cheat on you. She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower. Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.

 She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower. Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard.

 She’s right. But say the word, I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. One of them could end up in the backseat of her car. Or her shower. Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard. We know what’s going on, Sheldon! Well, what should I do?

 Ladies, ladies, please. We’re not here to talk about Penny, okay? We’re here to talk about me. Uh, I mean Einstein Von Brainstorm. Oh, darn it! All right, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Let me explain what’s going on. Ricardo is really Leonard. We know what’s going on, Sheldon! Well, what should I do?

 Well, what should I do? Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her. Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six. What? He’s loving it?

 Well, Alex is your employee. If she’s doing something that’s making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her. Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six. What? He’s loving it?

 Oh, no, he’s not uncomfortable at all. No, he’s loving it. Yeah, he’s strutting around like he’s five-foot-six. What? He’s loving it?

 Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away. Talk to her? That’s all you’ve got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper’s Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.

 I think it’s pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here’s something at four o’clock. Give Alex a talking to? Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it? Is there a problem? Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

 Well, that snuck up on us, didn’t it? Is there a problem? Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

 Is there a problem? Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem.

 Is there a problem? Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem. What did I do? You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

 Let’s not call it a problem. Let’s call it an opportunity. To solve a serious problem. What did I do? You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

 What did I do? You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.

 What did I do? You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter. What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody. Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

 You don’t know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don’t even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter. What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody. Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

 What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody. Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.

 What? I didn’t make a sexual advance on anybody. Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day. What? Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

 Now, there’s no need to get defensive. I’m not unsympathetic to your plight. My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day. What? Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

 What? Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time. This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

 Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time. This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

 This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don’t hold you responsible for your behaviour because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you’re a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let’s see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.

 Um, why would I mean Alex? Because I know she hit on you and I know you liked it. What? Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!

 Because I know she hit on you and I know you liked it. What? Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!

 What? Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally! I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex? Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.

 Don’t play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally! I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex? Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.

 I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex? Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.

 I’m missing something. (Enters apartment. To Sheldon) Did you say something to Penny about Alex? Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you. Why would you do that? I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.

 Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you. Why would you do that? I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.

 Why would you do that? I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle.

 Why would you do that? I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle. At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend. Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

 I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that you can’t tell a uterus from a unicycle. At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend. Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

 At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend. Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies. (Answering phone) Hello. I see. Uh, what time? Very well, then. Huh. That was the Human Resources Department at the university. Apparently, my assistant Alex has filed a complaint accusing me of inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

 Oh, my God, what did you do? Hmm, let me think. Nothing. I’m a delight.

 Ah, Dr. Cooper, have a seat. Thank you. I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you. So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.

 Thank you. I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you. So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.

 I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you. So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.

 I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you. So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia. Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace. Like what?

 So I’ve been told. But I can’t understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There’s string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that’s for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia. Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace. Like what?

 Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace. Like what?

 Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while. Dr. Cooper, you said things to your employee that you just cannot say in the workplace. Like what? Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it. Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.

 Like what? Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it. Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.

 Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it. Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave.

 Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m gonna go ahead and tell you you can’t say it. Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave. I’m a what? Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…

 Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You’re a slave. I’m a what? Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…

 I’m a what? Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle…

 I’m a what? Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle… Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now. I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.

 Well, y-you, I-I’m just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman’s menstrual cycle… Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now. I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.

 Whuh-ah! Woah! You can’t talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I’m gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now. I don’t see why I’m the one being persecuted here. Dr. Hofstadter, he was bragging about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen. You know, and Howard Wolowitz, he spent two years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot. Oh, and at the office Christmas party, I heard Rajesh Koothrappali refer to you several times as Brown Sugar.

 Is that alcohol on your breath? Howard built a sex robot. That is not true. All I did was build a robot. Did it have six breasts?

 Howard built a sex robot. That is not true. All I did was build a robot. Did it have six breasts?

 That is not true. All I did was build a robot. Did it have six breasts?

 That is not true. All I did was build a robot. Did it have six breasts? I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has. Well, hello.

 Did it have six breasts? I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has. Well, hello.

 I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has. Well, hello.

 I’m sorry, I’m a feminist, I don’t notice things like how many breasts a robot has. Well, hello. What are you doing here? Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.

 Well, hello. What are you doing here? Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.

 What are you doing here? Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis.

 What are you doing here? Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis. And I’m a little busy right now. But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.

 Actually, I came to speak to Mrs. Davis. And I’m a little busy right now. But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.

 And I’m a little busy right now. But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.

 And I’m a little busy right now. But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature. And who was that? You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

 But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature. And who was that? You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

 And who was that? You, you dirty birdie. I-I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I’m deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

 That’s it. All of you, in my office now! And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you’re menstruating. And based on your behaviour, I don’t have to.

 Okay, come with me. Where are we going? To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

 Where are we going? To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

 To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

 Interesting. Do you recall this conversation? Leonard, want to go halfsies on a steamer? No, Sheldon, we don’t need a steamer. Looks like that rumpled chicken’s come home to roost. Hi. Here are the make-up sponges you asked for. Oh, thanks, I thought I had more. Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

 Hi. Here are the make-up sponges you asked for. Oh, thanks, I thought I had more. Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

 Oh, thanks, I thought I had more. Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

 Damn, you’ve got more makeup than I do. You’ve got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I’m borrowing this.

 That’s a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister’s makeup for a costume contest. Got a terrible case of pinkeye. But luckily, I was going as a zombie. I won second place. I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con. That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con. Is that better?

 I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con. That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con. Is that better?

 That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con. Is that better?

 That was San Diego Comic-Con. This is Bakersfield Comic-Con. Is that better? Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood. So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.

 Is that better? Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood. So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.

 Well, it’s a lot smaller. It’s more about the comic books. The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood. So to answer your question, no, it’s not better.

 The comic book store isn’t far from here. That is an amazing idea. Okay, how many of these have I had?

 It is on. But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option. Has it really only been ten miles? I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.

 But the turn-by-turn voice option isn’t on. I know I’d feel more safe if you turn on the turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option. Has it really only been ten miles? I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.

 Has it really only been ten miles? I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up.

 Has it really only been ten miles? I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up. Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210. Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

 I’m turning it on, but just to shut you up. Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210. Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

 Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210. Ooh, sounds like that fellow knows what he’s talking about. I’d put on my listening ears if I were you.

 I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS. That is so cool. Counterpoint, no, it’s not. Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

 That is so cool. Counterpoint, no, it’s not. Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

 Counterpoint, no, it’s not. Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

 Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles. Here’s an interesting fact about interstates.

 Really? Shh, he said it’s interesting. Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs. Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.

 Shh, he said it’s interesting. Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs. Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.

 Interstates are numbered as follows. Even-numbered routes run east and west, odd-numbered routes run north and south. Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs. Look, Leonard, there’s a bridge. Drive off it.

 You know, we’re not that far from Vazquez Rocks. Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there. We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot. Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

 Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there. We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot. Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

 We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot. Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

 Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone.

 We’ve got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot. Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone. Yeah, that sounds fun. Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?

 Great idea. I haven’t had a carbohydrate in two weeks. These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they’re gone. Yeah, that sounds fun. Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?

 Yeah, that sounds fun. Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?

 Yeah, that sounds fun. Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there? No. Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.

 Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there? No. Yeah, well luckily, someone in the car does.

 If I were you, I’d go for Fables number one. The artwork is sophisticated, it’s intelligently written, and it doesn’t objectify or stereotype women. Ooh, Thor! He’s hot. Yeah, he kind of is.

 Yeah, I’m sweating my bald cap off. So what’s our first pose going to be? I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene. I’ll set the timer.

 So what’s our first pose going to be? I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene. I’ll set the timer.

 I say we begin with a classic Star Trek fight scene. I’ll set the timer.

 Okay, what’s next? Now let’s do some sexy glamour shots. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz… Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car! What? Hey, hey! Come back here!

 Now let’s do some sexy glamour shots. I’ll set the mood. (Rhythmically) Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, Yeah, nice one, oontz, oontz. That’s right. Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz… Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car! What? Hey, hey! Come back here!

 Oh, my God. Leonard, someone’s stealing your car! What? Hey, hey! Come back here!

 I don’t believe this. Son of a bitch. I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants. Oh, so is mine.

 Son of a bitch. I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants. Oh, so is mine.

 I’ll call 911. What, oh, no, my phone is in my other pants. Oh, so is mine.

 Oh, so is mine. Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas? Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.

 Mine, too. Anybody got any ideas? Nope. The only thing left to do now is assign blame. (To Raj) Nice going.

 What kind of person leaves his keys in the car? I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault. You’re right. Nice going. Car.

 I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali’s fault. You’re right. Nice going. Car.

 You’re right. Nice going. Car. What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop? Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

 Car. What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop? Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

 What is wrong with people? Why don’t they stop? Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?

 Maybe we’re better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person? Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people. Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence. Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?

 Look at us, Sheldon. We’re the crazy people. Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence. Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?

 Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence. Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that?

 Well, perhaps we should hold up a sign that assures passing motorists of our mental competence. Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that? Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby. What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

 Good idea. Why don’t you get started on that? Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby. What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

 Come on, let’s just start walking. There’s got to be a gas station or something nearby. What, you think just because you’re wearing a captain’s uniform, you’re in charge?

 Wool pants in the desert. I feel like I’ve got poached testicles. Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen. Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk. Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

 Oh, you poor thing, you’re sweating. That’s so much worse than having your car stolen. Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk. Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

 Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk. Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective.

 Insurance is gonna buy you a new car. It’s not gonna de-funk my junk. Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective. Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood. Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

 Gentlemen, a little less bellyaching. We’re Starfleet officers and a member of the Borg Collective. Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood. Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

 Please, Sheldon, I am so not in the mood. Leonard, all our lives we have dreamed of finding ourselves inside one of the fantasy worlds we love. And look at us. At this moment, we are, in fact, a Star Trek landing party stranded in an alien and unforgiving environment, relying only on our wits, our fortitude and our moxie. As long as we have those things, nothing can stop…

 Okay, if you’re going to start comparing wands and hammers, I can’t even take you seriously.

 Great. We can still make it to Comic-Con. Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home. Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him. I’m with Leonard. I’m done.

 Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through, I just want to go home. Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him. I’m with Leonard. I’m done.

 Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him. I’m with Leonard. I’m done.

 Don’t be like that. Come on, Howard, talk to him. I’m with Leonard. I’m done. Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide? Actually, it’s three against one.

 I’m with Leonard. I’m done. Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide? Actually, it’s three against one.

 Fine, then I guess it’s two against two. How do we decide? Actually, it’s three against one.

 No, that can’t be right. Maybe Thor’s Hammer is a new colour of nail polish. Then Red Hulk must be worthy. How could Red Hulk be worthy?

 Maybe Thor’s Hammer is a new colour of nail polish. Then Red Hulk must be worthy. How could Red Hulk be worthy?

 Then Red Hulk must be worthy. How could Red Hulk be worthy? You don’t know his life. There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

 How could Red Hulk be worthy? You don’t know his life. There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

 You don’t know his life. There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature.

 You don’t know his life. There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature. If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party. Captain, what are your orders?

 There’s only one logical explanation. Somewhere in the desert we crossed into an alternate dimension where the women in our lives can finally appreciate great literature. If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party. Captain, what are your orders?

 If it’s an alternate dimension, sounds like a job for a landing party. Captain, what are your orders?

 Say, can you name the four state capitols that are not served by the interstate system? Ooh, another quiz. Yes!

 Leonard, you can get a little asthma inhaler. Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think? Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one. Yeah, so, I’m out.

 Oh, this is neat. Think about all the action figures we’ve bought over the years. It would be kind of cool to have ones that look like us. Don’t you think? Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one. Yeah, so, I’m out.

 Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one. Yeah, so, I’m out.

 Yeah, if that’s your idea of what’s cool, you should get one. Yeah, so, I’m out. What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you? Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?

 Yeah, so, I’m out. What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you? Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?

 What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you? Would it come with Kung-Fu grip?

 Cooper? Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board. What’s that? That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

 Nobel. Kripke. Don’t look at my board. What’s that? That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

 What’s that? That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want?

 What’s that? That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want? I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal. So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

 That’s a drawing of a really cool train. Don’t look at that, either. What do you want? I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal. So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

 I have some bad news. You’re working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. I’m working on a gwant pwoposal fow a new fusion weactow. The university is only awowed to submit one pwoposal. So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out. That’s hard cheese, Barry. You’re one of the good ones.

 What is that? That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place. Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him? Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

 That is Sheldon’s “I’m unhappy and about to destroy the planet” music. Come on, let’s just go to your place. Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him? Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

 Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him? Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

 Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

 Well, wait, if he’s unhappy,shouldn’t we talk to him? Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years? You doing okay, sweetie? There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

 Shouldn’t we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years? You doing okay, sweetie? There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

 You doing okay, sweetie? There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay.

 You doing okay, sweetie? There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay. Want me to make you some tea? Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

 There is ominous music playing, and there is an afghan over my head. I don’t know where you’re from, but where I’m from, that means I’m not doing okay. Want me to make you some tea? Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

 Want me to make you some tea? Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged.

 Want me to make you some tea? Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged. So, cocoa? Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

 Tea is for when I’m upset. I’m not upset. The university’s forcing me to work with Kripke. I’m outraged. So, cocoa? Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

 So, cocoa? Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying?

 Yes, cocoa. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be paired with someone who’s so incredibly annoying? Oh, teacher! Me! Me! See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair. What beverage do you make for that?

 Oh, teacher! Me! Me! See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair. What beverage do you make for that?

 See, I did all this great work, and now he’s just going to come along and ruin it. I am angrier than ever and filled with despair. What beverage do you make for that?

 What beverage do you make for that? Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks? Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!

 Oh, no, no, no, I know this. Uh, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks? Yes, hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks!

 What the fwig, Cooper? We were supposed to meet in my office a half an hour ago. And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke. We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours. Why don’t you show me yours first.

 And yet, now you’re in my office. Point, Cooper. Welcome to the Thunderdome, Kripke. We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours. Why don’t you show me yours first.

 We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours. Why don’t you show me yours first.

 We agweed to exchange copies of our work. Let me see yours. Why don’t you show me yours first. You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time. How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

 Why don’t you show me yours first. You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time. How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

 You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time. How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?

 You think I just few off the turnip twuck? We exchange at the same time. How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own? How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine? Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

 How do I know you’re not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own? How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine? Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

 How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine? Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry.

 How do I know you’re not going to do that with mine? Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry. Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow? Fine.

 Because I’m not interested in getting published in Mad magazine. Zingers fly fast in the Thunderdome, Barry. Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow? Fine.

 Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow? Fine.

 Are we going to do this or not? Thank you. So, we wead each other’s work, meet again tomowow? Fine. Nice twy. This is bwank paper. And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

 Fine. Nice twy. This is bwank paper. And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

 Nice twy. This is bwank paper. And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here.

 Nice twy. This is bwank paper. And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here. Cough it up, Cooper. Very well.

 And I am sure it’s still more valuable than whatever’s in here. Cough it up, Cooper. Very well.

 Not to mention Malibu Koothrappali and his totally bitchin’ dream house. We don’t need Malibu Koothrappali’s dream house. Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?

 We don’t need Malibu Koothrappali’s dream house. Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?

 Really, smart guy? Where’s he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?

The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I’m supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it’s hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay? I’m fine. All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke? Yes.

 I’m fine. All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke? Yes.

 All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke? Yes.

 All right, well, how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke? Yes. Sheldon, what’s going on? I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

 Yes. Sheldon, what’s going on? I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

 Sheldon, what’s going on? I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy.

 Sheldon, what’s going on? I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy. Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug? What do we have to lose?

 I read his research, and, it’s leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It’s his mommy. Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug? What do we have to lose?

 Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug? What do we have to lose?

 What do we have to lose? How’s that? I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?

 How’s that? I feel like I’m being strangled by a boa constrictor. Why’d you stop?

 Come on, Sheldon, we’re going to be late. I can’t go in today. I’m sick. You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke. No, look.

 I can’t go in today. I’m sick. You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke. No, look.

 You’re not sick. You just don’t want to face Kripke. No, look. 128. See?

 128. See? What did you do, put this in your tea? Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.

 See? What did you do, put this in your tea? Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.

 What did you do, put this in your tea? Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you.

 What did you do, put this in your tea? Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you. Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades. Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

 Oh, dear. Now I’m not even smarter than you. Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades. Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

 Sheldon, Kripke’s not smarter than you. You just got stuck on a wrong path. Happened to Einstein. He got stuck on the unified field theory for decades. Oh, don’t play the Einstein card. His great breakthroughs happened when no one knew anything. So everything was a great breakthrough.

 Stop holding your stomach in. I’ll give you a six-pack with the computer. Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today. All right, you can suck it in a little bit.

 Oh, okay, great. Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today. All right, you can suck it in a little bit.

 Cooper, we have a pwobwem. Your work is weawy not at a wevew I expected it to be. I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand. Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is. We do?

 I know. Go ahead, mock me. Just use small words so I understand. Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is. We do?

 Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is. We do?

 Don’t pway dumb with me. We both know what your pwobwem is. We do? You have a girlfwiend. So?

 You have a girlfwiend. So? So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time. Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

 So? So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time. Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

 So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time. Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting.

 So my work would suffew, too, if I was getting waid all the time. Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting. You wucky bastard. What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

 Yes. That is the reason. My work is suffering because of all the laid I’m getting. You wucky bastard. What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

 You wucky bastard. What can I say, you know? She enjoys my genitals. I am giving them to her on a nightly basis.

 I make plenty of money. You make peanuts. Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works. No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?

 Yes, but we’re married now. That means, when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s how love works. No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?

 No, here’s how love works. You’re gonna return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those. Oh, my God! Are you actually thinking about it?

 Because the truth made me look bad, whereas a ridiculous bald-faced lie makes me look good. Anyway, if Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense and whimsically inventive. Is my coitus whimsically inventive? That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter. I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.

 Is my coitus whimsically inventive? That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter. I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.

 That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter. I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that.

 That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter. I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that. Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question? Of course.

 I know you’re joking, but I’d be okay with that. Yeah. Sheldon, can I ask you a question? Of course.

 Of course. You ever going to sleep with Amy? That’s awfully personal. We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.

 You ever going to sleep with Amy? That’s awfully personal. We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.

 That’s awfully personal. We don’t ask Sheldon things like that.

 We don’t ask Sheldon things like that. Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal? Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling. All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

 Maybe you don’t, I do. What’s the deal? Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling. All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

 Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling. All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

 All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

 Well, word around the university is I’m giving her sex organs a proper jostling. All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing? All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing? Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.

 All right, come on, be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing? All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing? Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.

 All right, we’re down the rabbit hole. What are you doing? Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy.

 Well, first of all, I’m quite fond of Amy. Then what’s the problem? Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

 Then what’s the problem? Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

 Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

 Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others, hand-shaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I’m working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy’s chest. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable. Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you. Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical? It’s a possibility.

 Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you. Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical? It’s a possibility.

 Okay. Hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might actually get physical? It’s a possibility.

 Aren’t you gonna eat lunch? Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards.

 Whatever. You get any wast night? Yes. Gave it to her good, huh? No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

 Yes. Gave it to her good, huh? No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

 Gave it to her good, huh? No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put…

 Gave it to her good, huh? No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put… Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie? I didn’t notice.

 No, I gave it to her well. Now, over here, I was thinking the turbulence could be reduced if we just put… Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie? I didn’t notice.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie? I didn’t notice.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was she naked, or was she weawing wingewie? I didn’t notice. How could you not notice? I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.

 I didn’t notice. How could you not notice? I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.

 How could you not notice? I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.

 How could you not notice? I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body. Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper! Can we get back to work?

 I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body. Ah, you’re kiwing me, Cooper! Can we get back to work?

 Sure, sure, sure. You guys ever use any toys? Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed. A wocket? You’we a fweak! I wove it!

 Toys? I do have a model rocket next to my bed. A wocket? You’we a fweak! I wove it!

 I don’t know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long. These are great. I just started number six. That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either. Why would you say that? You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

 That’s a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one. Yeah, I know, I didn’t see it coming, either. Why would you say that? You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

 Why would you say that? You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn.

 Why would you say that? You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn. That was a huge spoiler. Good.

 You brought up the subject. I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It’s called the art of conversation. Okay, your turn. That was a huge spoiler. Good.

 That was a huge spoiler. Good. What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks. Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

 Good. What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks. Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

 What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks. Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?

 What is wrong with you? If I did that, you’d bitch about it for weeks. Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits? Hissy fits? I have hissy fits? Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

 Oh, really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits? Hissy fits? I have hissy fits? Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

 Hissy fits? I have hissy fits? Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

 Hissy fits? I have hissy fits? Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman. You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating. There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

 Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman. You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating. There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

 You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating. There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady.

 You are unbelievable. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re controlling, you’re irritating. There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady. You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

 There you go again, nag, nag, nag. You’re only proving my point, little lady. You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

 You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible.

 You know what? Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met. What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible. That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this. Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

 What? I’m annoying? You criticize my behaviour all the time. Sheldon, don’t talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don’t yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don’t throw away my shirts ’cause you think they’re ugly. You’re impossible. That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this. Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

 That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this. Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.

 That’s it. I don’t, I don’t have to put up with this. Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do. Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement. You pick that up right now.

 Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do. Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement. You pick that up right now.

 Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement. You pick that up right now.

 Aw. Here’s what I think of your roommate agreement. You pick that up right now. No. Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

 You pick that up right now. No. Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

 No. Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground.

 No. Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground. I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore. Where are you going?

 Roommate agreement, section 27, paragraph 5, the roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground. I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore. Where are you going?

 I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore. Where are you going?

 I don’t care. I don’t have to do anything you say because I don’t think I want to live here anymore. Where are you going? To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard. Crazy bastard?

 Where are you going? To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard. Crazy bastard?

 To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard. Crazy bastard?

 To live with Penny and not you, you crazy bastard. Crazy bastard? Yes. Leonard, wait.

 Children’s toy. One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s. Children’s toy. One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

 One Star Trek: The Next Generation phaser. That’s Leonard’s. Children’s toy. One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

 Children’s toy. One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

 Children’s toy. One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it. So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward? Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

 One Game of Thrones collector’s edition Longclaw sword. Oh, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it. So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward? Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

 So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward? Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

 So, uh, what’s your plan moving forward? Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in? No. Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

 Uh, suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in? No. Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

 No. Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him.

 No. Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him. Like a dog-boy. Exactly.

 Oh, it took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would just go whenever the mood struck him. Like a dog-boy. Exactly.

 Like a dog-boy. Exactly. What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways? That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

 Exactly. What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways? That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

 What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways? That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.

 What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways? That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked. Great. Here I am! Wait. Here who is where?

 That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked. Great. Here I am! Wait. Here who is where?

 Great. Here I am! Wait. Here who is where? Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate? Um…

 Wait. Here who is where? Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate? Um…

 Me. Aren’t I your perfect roommate? Um… Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think? Um…

 Um… Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think? Um…

 Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think? Um…

 Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger, we’re intellectually compatible, I’m willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think? Um… Tell me one reason why this isn’t a fantastic idea. Um…

 See? You can’t. I’m gonna go see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed. Um…

 What do you want? Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing. Is that so? Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

 Hey, good buddy. So, uh, I was just talking to Amy, and she made me realize that this little dust-up between you and me is much ado about nothing. Is that so? Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

 Is that so? Yes. All is forgiven, so come back home. I’ll make you some soy hot chocolate, and then I’ll you tell you about our exciting new devil-may-care bathroom policy.

 Hey. What’s going on? Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him. Really? Interesting. Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

 Oh, get this, suddenly, Sheldon wants me back because Amy wants to move in with him. Really? Interesting. Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

 Really? Interesting. Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

 Well, too late, pal. I’m not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn’t that right?

 It’s like the happiness won’t ever leave the apartment. Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for. Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine. Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

 Leonard, please. You know Amy moving in marks a level of intimacy our relationship isn’t ready for. Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine. Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

 Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine. Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

 Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels.

 Yes. That is a real thing. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other, it just means things are moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with, and that’s fine. Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels. Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings. Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

 Well, if he doesn’t want to live with her, then he should tell her how he feels. Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings. Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

 Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings. Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute.

 Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in? No. The problem is, she laid out a series of logical arguments that I couldn’t refute. That is the worst, isn’t it? Yes. I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

 That is the worst, isn’t it? Yes. I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

 Yes. I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

 I’m sorry, Sheldon. I can’t help you. Oh, spoiler alert, this door’s about to slam in your face.

 Oh, really? Where are your clothes and your shoes? They’re on the chair, right over… Oy vey.

 What did I do? You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it. Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me. Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.

 You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy’s out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I’d ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it. Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me. Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.

 Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me. Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins.

 Okay. Listen, the truth is I don’t want him living with me. Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins. No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast. You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

 Great. Kick him out. Break his heart. Everybody wins. No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast. You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

 No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast. You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower.

 No, I don’t want to break his heart. I love him. This is just happening too fast. You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower. Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano. Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

 You think this is fast? It’s just a matter of time before I see Amy’s leg stubble in my shower. Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano. Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

 Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano. Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him?

 Yeah, and I’ve seen those legs. You might want to get some Drano. Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him? Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional. That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.

 Hold on. If you don’t want to live with Leonard, why don’t you just tell him? Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional. That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.

 Well, you know how he is. He’s sensitive and emotional. That’s because he drinks too much soy milk.

 But, Howard… Should we go back and rescue him? It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.

 Should we go back and rescue him? It’s too late. We’ll see him at his Bar Mitzvah.

 Here you go. I picked up the Chinese food just the way Leonard used to. Is it kung pao chicken? Yes. Brown rice, not white rice?

 Yes. Brown rice, not white rice? Yes. Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?

 Brown rice, not white rice? Yes. Spicy mustard from the Korean deli?

 Yes. Spicy mustard from the Korean deli? Yes. I did good, right? Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

 Spicy mustard from the Korean deli? Yes. I did good, right? Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

 Yes. I did good, right? Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship?

 Yes. I did good, right? Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship? No. Yeah, why would you?

 Yes. Amy, are you worried that us living together will take the mystery out of our relationship? No. Yeah, why would you?

 No. Yeah, why would you? Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us. Hello. This is Sheldon.

 Yeah, why would you? Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us. Hello. This is Sheldon.

 Oh, and, uh, check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us. Hello. This is Sheldon.

 And this is Amy. We’re not home right now. ‘Cause we out dropping science, son. Leave a message.

 We’re not home right now. ‘Cause we out dropping science, son. Leave a message.

 ‘Cause we out dropping science, son. Leave a message. Beep. You can’t live here.

 Beep. You can’t live here. What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in. No. It’s not the message.

 You can’t live here. What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in. No. It’s not the message.

 What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in. No. It’s not the message.

 What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn’t break in. No. It’s not the message. Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it. You did.

 No. It’s not the message. Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it. You did.

 Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it. You did.

 Well, what is it, then? I did everything just the way you like it. You did. Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here. It’s Penny’s fault.

 You did. Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here. It’s Penny’s fault.

 Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss ’cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can’t live here. It’s Penny’s fault.

 What? Sheldon, what did you say? I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it. Since when don’t you want to live with me?

 Sheldon, what did you say? I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it. Since when don’t you want to live with me?

 I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it. Since when don’t you want to live with me?

 I said the truth. You don’t want to live with Leonard, and you know it. Since when don’t you want to live with me? Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready. Yeah, I think we should talk about that.

 Since when don’t you want to live with me? Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready. Yeah, I think we should talk about that.

 Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready. Yeah, I think we should talk about that.

 Oh, don’t get all huffy. You’re the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready. Yeah, I think we should talk about that. And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me? I thought we were talking about the other thing.

 Yeah, I think we should talk about that. And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me? I thought we were talking about the other thing.

 And since you love the truth so much, why don’t you tell Amy you don’t want to live with her instead of blaming it on me? I thought we were talking about the other thing.

 You’re a coward. Well, the evidence does support that. Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.

 Well, the evidence does support that. Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.

 Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. You know what would show them? I should move in here with you.

 Come on, Amy, let’s go drink wine and talk about what jerks our boyfriends are. You know what would show them? I should move in here with you. Um… Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?

 You know what would show them? I should move in here with you. Um… Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead?

 Um… Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead? ‘Kay. Have you seen the one where Lori dies?

 Do you want to catch up on some Walking Dead? ‘Kay. Have you seen the one where Lori dies?

 Okay, well, this time it’s going to be different. Because I am like a romance ninja. You don’t see it coming, and then bam, romance, watch out, hearts, kisses, love, ooh-ya! You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.

 You know, sometimes I think I’ve made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.

 Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself. That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.

 That’s good. Or maybe something a little less hand in the pants.

 Okay, I think I have some really great choices. I went on Amy’s Facebook page and read up on her interests. Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off. Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs. Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?

 Now, see, I never would have thought to do that. Clearly, I made a good choice farming this out to you. But I am telling you, Amy hit the boyfriend jackpot. Anyway, my socks are on. Let’s knock them off. Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs. Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?

 Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs. Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?

 Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favourite songs. Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here? No, I just thought it would be… Next.

 Now, Amy already has a real harp. And it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here? No, I just thought it would be… Next.

 No, I just thought it would be… Next. Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales. Mmm.

 Next. Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales. Mmm.

 Okay. Um, I know she’s a fan of The Canterbury Tales. Mmm. So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.

 Mmm. So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.

 So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. But she’s got Google Maps on her phone.

 So I found this cool map that illustrates the character’s journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame. But she’s got Google Maps on her phone. I don’t know how to respond to that. Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.

 But she’s got Google Maps on her phone. I don’t know how to respond to that. Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.

 I don’t know how to respond to that. Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh.

 I don’t know how to respond to that. Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh. Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print. Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.

 Well, I hope it’s with a third good option, because these first two, buh. Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print. Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.

 Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print. Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.

 Okay. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy’s a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells. And I managed to find this signed print. Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable. Thank you. I think I’ll keep it for myself.

 Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable. Thank you. I think I’ll keep it for myself.

 So where’d you hide it? Where you’d never look. Damn it, it’s in the washing machine.

 Hello. Hello. Happy Valentine’s Day. Okay. Shall we go to dinner?

 Happy Valentine’s Day. Okay. Shall we go to dinner? Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts. Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.

 Okay. Shall we go to dinner? Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts. Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.

 Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts. Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day.

 Hang on. As you know, I had planned a traditional evening of romance and gifts. Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day. And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. What is that?

 Yes, and as you know, I planned to pretend to enjoy it. I’ve been working on this facial expression all day. And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. What is that?

 And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. What is that?

 And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. What is that? By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things. Really?

 What is that? By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things. Really?

 By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things. Really?

 By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things. Really? Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it? More than anything.

 Really? Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it? More than anything.

 Well, that’s what you’d love, isn’t it? More than anything. Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do. Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

 More than anything. Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do. Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

 Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do. Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

 Well, then, that’s what we’re going to do. Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today. I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return. No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.

 Well, I don’t know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone’s ever given me. And that’s including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today. I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return. No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.

 I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return. No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it.

 I’m your girlfriend. That’s my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return. No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it. What’s this? Read it.

 No. No, after everything you didn’t do for me tonight, I want you to have it. What’s this? Read it.

 What’s this? Read it. Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information? At the bottom.

 Read it. Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information? At the bottom.

 Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information? At the bottom.

 Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information? At the bottom. In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me. Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?

 At the bottom. In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me. Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?

 In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me. Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?

 In case of emergency, please contact… Amy Farrah Fowler. And there’s my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could’ve ever given me. Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with? And you picked me. It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.

 Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with? And you picked me. It’s like you said, you’re my girlfriend.

 I have to go to the bathroom. I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I’ve had it checked out, it’s nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms.

 I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I’ve had it checked out, it’s nothing. Hmm. This is going great. Mmm, can I have a refill on my chai tea? Yes, I have a good feeling about this. (Girl can be seen sneaking past window and leaving) I should have bought condoms.

 Hello. So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags. Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in. Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.

 So, Penny, I understand you would like to learn more about flags. Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in. Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.

 Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in. Yeah. Well, you came to the right place.

 Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a party where everyone’s talking about flags and I just couldn’t join in. Yeah. Well, you came to the right place. Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute? What’s wrong?

 Yeah. Well, you came to the right place. Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute? What’s wrong?

 Uh, I’m sorry, can we just pause for a minute? What’s wrong? I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class. Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.

 What’s wrong? I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class. Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.

 I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class. Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like.

 I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera, you know, like, like a real conversation. It’s something we work on in my acting class. Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like. Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in. Right. And which one do I want?

 Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn’t the compliment it sounds like. Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in. Right. And which one do I want?

 Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in. Right. And which one do I want?

 Yeah, let’s try it again, and maybe, this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you’re all hunched like that, you’re shutting the audience out, but when you’re relaxed and open, you’re inviting them in. Right. And which one do I want? Let’s try open. If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?

 Right. And which one do I want? Let’s try open. If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?

 Let’s try open. If our friend, the flag, has taught me anything, it’s to go where the wind takes you. As long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole. And, action. So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?

 Now what? I don’t know. We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.

 I don’t know. We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.

 We could go to Red Lobster and talk about it. We’re all thinking it. I just had the decency to wait for him to leave.

 Hello, Sheldon. Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going? Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow. Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.

 Hello. How’s the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going? Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow. Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.

 Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow. Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online.

 Fine. Just hold on. Mommy’s on the phone! Sorry. We’ve cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms. Those guys were mellow. Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online. Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny? Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.

 Good news. Uh, the latest episode of Fun with Flags is online. Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny? Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.

 Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny? Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome.

 Oh, that’s right. How’d it go with Penny? Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome. Subtle, but powerful. I know. I’m still learning to control it.

 Much better than I expected. She even gave me some helpful tips about acting and body language. Watch. Welcome to my world. Not welcome to my world. Welcome. Not welcome. Subtle, but powerful. I know. I’m still learning to control it.

 Subtle, but powerful. I know. I’m still learning to control it.

 Subtle, but powerful. I know. I’m still learning to control it. Did you tell Penny how helpful she was? Why would I do that?

 I know. I’m still learning to control it. Did you tell Penny how helpful she was? Why would I do that?

 Because she’s your friend, and she did a nice job. I’m sure she’d like to hear it. All right. I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.

 All right. I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.

 I didn’t mean now. Hello? Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette. Well, I’d like a normal boyfriend. Deal with it.

 Oh, hi. What’s up? Um… You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing? No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.

 Um… You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing? No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.

 You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing? No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine.

 You need me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing? No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine. Okay. So, what do you need? Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 No. I didn’t start yet, it’s fine. Okay. So, what do you need? Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Okay. So, what do you need? Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny.

 Okay. So, what do you need? Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. Really? Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.

 Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night (knock, knock, knock) Penny. And I just wanted to tell you (knock, knock, knock) Penny, that the answer to the question, who did a great job? is you, (knock, knock, knock) Penny. Really? Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.

 Really? Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful.

 Really? Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful. Aw, sweetie, you just made my day. Okay.

 Yes, you were very natural in front of the camera, and I found your suggestions extremely helpful. Aw, sweetie, you just made my day. Okay.

 Okay. Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list. Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?

 Hey, my acting class is putting on a play Friday night. I could put you and Amy on the guest list. Oh, that sounds terrible. Why would I want to do that?

 That’s right. They’re no good without the lighter. Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny. Why? What happened? She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.

 Well, so much for your advice on complimenting Penny. Why? What happened? She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.

 Why? What happened? She tried to rope us into going to her acting class to see a play. Don’t worry. Luckily, I had the good sense to drown that kitten in the river.

 Oh, so many crazy rules. That better be Tootsie Rolls you’re throwing at me!

 What? Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play. Hey, I don’t want you to go any more. Why not?

 Amy pointed out to me that since you did something nice for me, I’m obligated to do something nice for you. So, yes, I’ll go to your dopey play. Hey, I don’t want you to go any more. Why not?

 Hey, I don’t want you to go any more. Why not? You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to. Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?

 Why not? You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to. Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?

 You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to. Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go?

 You should go ’cause you want to go, not because you have to. Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go? Okay. Do whatever you want. Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?

 Oh, Dear Lord, more rules? Where does it stop? Can I want to go because I have to want to go? Okay. Do whatever you want. Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?

 Okay. Do whatever you want. Yeah, but now, wait. Do whatever I want? Or whatever I have to want?

 Oh, for God’s sake, just come to the play. All right. I don’t want to, but at least that makes sense.

 So, Amy, what’s going on with your addiction study? Sadly, I’m no longer associated with that project. Why? What happened? Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.

 Sadly, I’m no longer associated with that project. Why? What happened? Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.

 Why? What happened? Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.

 Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional.

 Why? What happened? Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional. I’m sorry. That I asked. All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.

 Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own faeces back at them and suddenly you’re unprofessional. I’m sorry. That I asked. All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.

 I’m sorry. That I asked. All right, let’s get this stupid play over with.

 I’m sorry. That I asked. All right, let’s get this stupid play over with. Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets. Why?

 All right, let’s get this stupid play over with. Uh, hang on. Empty your pockets. Why?

 Why? You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy. Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now? Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.

 You know why. The Nintendo DS. And the PSP. Now the Gameboy. Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now? Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.

 Aw, for Pete’s sake. Can we go now? Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.

 Well, is that all of it? (Pulls a Rubik’s cube from his pants.) Just set it down.

 I think you have a great capacity for devotion. You’ll be lonely when she passes on, won’t you? I understand what that is. To be lonely? She’s pretty good, huh? She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?

 To be lonely? She’s pretty good, huh? She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?

 She’s pretty good, huh? She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars?

 She is. But when do they get to the part about streetcars? …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded. She’s remarkable. She really is.

 …when I was a very young girl. When I was 16 years old, I made the discovery, love. All at once, and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That’s how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded. She’s remarkable. She really is.

 Our Penny’s a star. How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress, she can’t remember no tomato on my hamburger?

 Look, I know you guys don’t want to do this, but we have no choice. So, you can either bitch and whine or we can just get it over with. I got whine. I got the B word. Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.

 I got whine. I got the B word. Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.

 I got the B word. Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.

 Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.

 I got the B word. Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences. Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower. If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.

 Yeah, well, it’s in our contract to serve on a university committee. And frankly, this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences. Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower. If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.

 Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower. If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time.

 Come on, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn’t have spent so much of my twenties in the shower. If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time. Helping women? Y Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.

 If you ask me, this whole thing is a waste of our time. Helping women? Y Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.

 Helping women? Y Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves.

 Helping women? Y Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves. Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office? I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

 Helping anyone. People should take care of themselves. Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office? I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

 Oh, like yesterday, when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office? I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

 I’m not saying people can’t use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam. You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science. I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals. You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

 You don’t think it’s worthwhile to try to get more women working in science. I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals. You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

 I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals. You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

 You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

 I think that’s incredibly sexist of you. I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds work side by side as equals. You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone? Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura. Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.

 You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone? Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura. Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.

 Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura. Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work.

 Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura. Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work. Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this. Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.

 Howard’s disturbing recollections aside, I don’t appreciate being forced to do banal committee work. Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this. Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.

 Yes, I know, you’re too smart for this. Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito.

 Exactly. It’s like asking the Human Torch to heat up your frozen burrito. Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith. I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana. Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.

 Got it. All right, I’m thinking one way to counter bias in the peer-review process, is for papers to be submitted under gender-neutral names. Like S. Smith instead of Samantha Smith. I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana. Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.

 I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana. Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.

 Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox.

 I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be pre-judged. Harry Potter’s J.K. Rowling, uh, Star Trek’s D.C. Fontana. Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox. Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch. We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.

 Van Nuys pole-dancer D.D. Melons. All right, I think we’ve really helped women today. Let’s fire up the old Xbox. Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch. We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.

 Guys, please don’t make this a school project where I’m the smart kid doing all the work while the slackers sit back and watch. We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch.

 We’re not. This time you’re the smart kid doing all the work while the even smarter kids sit back and watch. So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids? No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.

 So, you think I’m one of the smarter kids? No, you’re a tool I was using to make my point.

 Guys, our topic is encouraging women in science, can you at least play a less sexist game How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man. Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins. Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.

 How is it sexist? My character wields a battle axe as well as any man. Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins. Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.

 Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins. Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town.

 Not to mention she has mammary glands that could nurse a family of 30. And have enough milk left over to open a Baskin Robbins. Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town. Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science. All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.

 Mother, warrior-princess, franchise owner, I hear glass ceilings shattering all over town. Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science. All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.

 Sheldon, you’re always saying how much smarter you are than me. Spend five seconds and come up with one idea on how to get more women into science. All your ideas address the issue at a university level. By then it’s too late. You need to design an outreach program that targets girls at the middle school level and sets them on an academic track towards the hard sciences.

 That’s actually good. Why didn’t I think of that? Some people are otters, some people are rocks. I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run. Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.

 Some people are otters, some people are rocks. I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run. Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.

 I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run. Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.

 Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students.

 I wonder if there’s a way we could give the idea a trial run. Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students. That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there. Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.

 Maybe I could call my old middle school, see if we can talk to some of the female students. That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there. Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.

 That’s great, try to set up something for the three of us to go over there. Oh, hold on. While I’m comfortable speaking about science, I’m not sure I know how to spark the interest of schoolchildren. Better Google it.

 Let’s think. Hmm. We doing just Disney or California Adventure, too?

 Yeah, last time I was here, I was just a scrawny little nerd. And now you’re also an astronaut. So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey. What?

 And now you’re also an astronaut. So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey. What?

 So many memories. I mean, how many times in these hallways was I tripped, punched and spit on? Oh, look, here’s my old locker. I have a masters in engineering and I still can’t figure out how Scott Kapinski got me and my briefcase to fit in there. (Kid bumps into him) Hey. What?

 You can do better. Oh, we’re eating here? (Reading) We’re having a texting date? (By text) I love that. As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.

 Oh, we’re eating here? (Reading) We’re having a texting date? (By text) I love that. As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.

 As you’re reading, it will help to remember I have an adorable accent.

 Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say prom Web sites. Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it’s like a fairy tale come to life. Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say, I like sports.

 Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it’s like a fairy tale come to life. Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say, I like sports.

 Hey, how was your… what? I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got… What are you doing? Disneyland. Go on, I’m listening.

 I can explain. I played hooky with the girls, then we all went to Disneyland and got… What are you doing? Disneyland. Go on, I’m listening.

 No, we wouldn’t ask him. We’d just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there. Hey, guys, come on in. Hi. Ooh, it smells good.

 Hi. Ooh, it smells good. Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch. Oh, you shouldn’t have.

 Ooh, it smells good. Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch. Oh, you shouldn’t have.

 Thanks. And, Sheldon, I know tonight’s the night you eat Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch. Oh, you shouldn’t have.

 Oh, it’s my pleasure. No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own. You stopped and got him takeout? I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.

 No, you really shouldn’t have. I brought my own. You stopped and got him takeout? I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.

 You stopped and got him takeout? I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.

 These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette. That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought. Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first. Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?

 That’s the takeout that Sheldon brought. Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first. Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?

 Oh, well, I’m sure they wouldn’t have tasted nearly as good if I hadn’t tried your food first. Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour?

 Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by colour? Colour’s fine. Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally. Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?

 Colour’s fine. Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally. Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?

 Wrong, they’ll be arranged seasonally. Sheldon, aren’t you gonna spend a little time with Amy?

 Oh, it’s okay, I’m used to it. The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle. Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami. His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.

 Yeah, and some thanks I got. The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami. His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.

 His quirks just make you love him more. Someone please agree with me.

 Sheldon, come on. It’s getting late. Time to go. Oh, five more minutes. That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it. How come I never get to do anything I want to do?

 Oh, five more minutes. That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it. How come I never get to do anything I want to do?

 That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it. How come I never get to do anything I want to do?

 That’s what you said five minutes ago. Amy and Penny are already in the car. Let’s move it. How come I never get to do anything I want to do? You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home. Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.

 How come I never get to do anything I want to do? You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home. Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.

 You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home. Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay.

 You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home. Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay. Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye. Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?

 Please, Leonard, he said it’s okay. Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye. Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?

 Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye. Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven?

 Sheldon, it’s, wait, I can go home without you? Bye. Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven? Juggle. You health nuts kill me.

 Howard, I have a few questions. I found three bowling pins. Now, do you juggle these, or are you missing seven? Juggle. You health nuts kill me.

 Juggle. You health nuts kill me. Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid. Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…

 You health nuts kill me. Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid. Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…

 Oh, my God, it’s beautiful. Look, he found the juggling pins I hid. Uh, just a couple more items. Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box. Now, based on the content, it could either be filed…

 Whoa, you opened this? Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content… I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home. Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?

 Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia. Now, as I was saying, based on the content… I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home. Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?

 I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home. Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter?

 I couldn’t be less interested. Now, come on, I’ll take you home. Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter? If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here. Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?

 Howard, don’t you want to know what’s in the letter? If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here. Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?

 If I wanted to know, I would’ve opened it years ago. The closet looks great. Let’s get out of here. Wait, can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?

 Hey, Sheldon. Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies? You have something we want. Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.

 Oh, hello. What can I do for you ladies? You have something we want. Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.

 You have something we want. Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city.

 You have something we want. Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city. No, we just want information. Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.

 Oh, dear. My mother warned me this is what happens to pretty boys in the big city. No, we just want information. Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.

 No, we just want information. Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me.

 No, we just want information. Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me. We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father. I did.

 Oh. Oh, I’ve got that in spades. Ravage me. We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father. I did.

 We heard you read the letter from Howard’s father. I did. What did it say? I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 I did. What did it say? I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 What did it say? I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 What did it say? I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Sheldon, that’s not a real thing. Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.

 I can’t tell you that. I’m bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Sheldon, that’s not a real thing. Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.

 Sheldon, that’s not a real thing. Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets.

 Sheldon, that’s not a real thing. Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets. Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says. Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.

 Well, neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend’s hand at the movies. You know. That doesn’t stop you from pawing at me like you’re a bear and I’m a trash can full of sweets. Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says. Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.

 Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says. Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely.

 Why do you even care? Just tell us what it says. Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely. Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something? Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

 Control over the information contained in that letter belongs to Howard. By happenstance, I came to know it. That doesn’t give me the right to disseminate it freely. Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something? Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

 Come on. Look, the letter was found in Bernadette’s closet. Doesn’t that count for something? Are you pointing out that California is a community property state, and since Howard and Bernadette are married, the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

 Actually, all I did was invite you. Well, put your mind at ease. I’m here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard’s dinner party’s ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I’m thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge. I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres. So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.

 Well, put your mind at ease. I’m here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard’s dinner party’s ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I’m thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge. I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres. So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.

 I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres. So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.

 So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that.

 I’m thinking you need a testosterone patch. Penny and I just want to do something low-key. You know, cocktails, light jazz music, hors d’oeuvres. So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that. Hey, where have you been? Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.

 So your theme is I saw a rerun of Mad Men and bought some crab puffs from Trader Joe’s? Hate to miss that. Hey, where have you been? Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.

 Hey, where have you been? Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.

 Hey, where have you been? Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time. Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.

 Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I’d say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time. Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.

 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time. Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father.

 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I meant, golly, Sheldon, you’ve been gone a long time. Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father. What information? I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 Oh. Yeah, well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard’s father. What information? I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 What information? I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.

 What information? I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone. Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.

 I can’t tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality. Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone. Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.

 Well, come on, we won’t tell anyone. Sorry, badgering me won’t work. What you should have said is, It’s pointless to keep this a secret because Penny will tell us.

 This is really fun. Yeah, it’s nice to get dressed up once in a while. Yeah, and the hors d’oeuvres are delightful. As is the company.

 Yeah, it’s nice to get dressed up once in a while. Yeah, and the hors d’oeuvres are delightful. As is the company.

 Yeah, and the hors d’oeuvres are delightful. As is the company.

 My shirt is itchy and I wish I were dead. Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et’s all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father. Of course. Sure.

 Hey, uh, listen, everybody. Before Howard gets here, et’s all just agree to not bring up the letter from his father. Of course. Sure.

 Same here. Shame on all of you. You know, too. Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?

 Shame on all of you. You know, too. Couldn’t leave him one friend, could you?

 How could you do this? I’m sorry. If you want, we could tell you. No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.

 I’m sorry. If you want, we could tell you. No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.

 If you want, we could tell you. No, I don’t want to know. I mean, I do, but… I got to go.

 Why? Got a little surprise for you. Come on. Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here? When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

 Got a little surprise for you. Come on. Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here? When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

 Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here? When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

 When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

 Oh, honey, I am in no mood to have sex tonight. I’ll lay there if you absolutely have to have it, but… Oh. What are you guys doing here? When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution. Oh, yeah, what’s that? It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.

 When you left, you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your dad’s letter, so we came up with kind of a cool solution. Oh, yeah, what’s that? It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.

 Oh, yeah, what’s that? It’s simple, really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The, the principle that a physical system exists partially in all its possible states at once.

 Yeah. And I said if it wasn’t epistemic, we might as well not do it. Sit down, honey. Raj, you’re up. Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

 Sit down, honey. Raj, you’re up. Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

 Raj, you’re up. Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

 Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

 Okay, um, It was a card for your 18th birthday. Inside it said, Happy birthday, Howard. I love you. Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, the one where the frog has its tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny. Sheldon. It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy. Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

 Sheldon. It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy. Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

 It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy. Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

 Told you. Don’t. Amy. You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.

 Don’t. Amy. You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.

 Amy. You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.

 You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you.

 You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation. And he cried because he was so proud of you. Really? Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map. Penny.

 Really? Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map. Penny.

 Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map. Penny.

 Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made up. It still could be the map. Penny. It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave. I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

 Penny. It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave. I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

 It was a letter explaining that your dad wasn’t who he said he was. Eventually, his other life caught up to him, and the only way to keep you and your mom safe was to leave. I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg-Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

 That’s pretty cool. Thank you, guys. Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party? Yeah, Yeah, cool.

 Hey, it’s still early. Why don’t we go back and have that party? Yeah, Yeah, cool.

 Yeah, Yeah, cool. Okay. You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.

 Yeah, cool. Okay. You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.

 Okay. You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages.

 Okay. You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages. Sheldon, don’t you dare. There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.

 You know, surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn’t the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette’s diary has some saucy passages. Sheldon, don’t you dare. There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.

 Sheldon, don’t you dare. There’s nothing to worry about. Your secret’s safe with me.

 Me, too. If I’d known we were gonna be dancing, would have worn my flats. This turned out pretty well, huh? Yeah, I think so. I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.

 This turned out pretty well, huh? Yeah, I think so. I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.

 Yeah, I think so. I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.

 I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before.

 Yeah, I think so. I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before. If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time. Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?

 I agree. That is, if you’ve never been to or heard of a party before. If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time. Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?

 If you’d let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place, you’d be happy all the time. Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish?

 Yeah? Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks. That’s terrible. Oh, my God.

 Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks. That’s terrible. Oh, my God.

 Oh, my God. In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze. If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle. Show a little compassion, a man died.

 In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that evewyone donate a bottle of Febweze. If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle. Show a little compassion, a man died.

 If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle. Show a little compassion, a man died.

 If we’re going to change the topic from jellyfish, I’d be okay with brine shrimp or the history of the unicycle. Show a little compassion, a man died. And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter. Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

 Show a little compassion, a man died. And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter. Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

 And turned into a puddew of goo. Now, we can either sit awound and cwy over spilt pwofessor, or we can wejoice in the knowwedge that a tenured position has just opened up. I choose to do the watter. Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.

 Pchew! If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee. You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke? No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.

 If you need my nose, you’ll find it firmwy wodged up the qectum of the tenure committee. You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke? No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.

 You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke? No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.

 No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics.

 You Ph.D’s gonna go suck up like Kripke? No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics. Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it. Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.

 No. I mean, I’ll apply, but I’m not gonna stoop to playing politics. Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it. Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.

 Yeah, me neither. It should be about the work. And if I can’t get tenure, I’d like to see you or Sheldon get it. Raj, don’t dangle false hope in front of Leonard like that.

 Mm, not really. Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

 That’s great. That shows a lot of integrity. Thank you. I’m a naive idiot, right? Oh, good, you heard me.

 You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision. Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy. You don’t say. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

 Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy. You don’t say. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

 You don’t say. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear.

 Sheldon Cooper does not do cozy. You don’t say. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear. Is that a problem?

 You don’t say. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear. Is that a problem?

 But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear. Is that a problem?

 But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to know who’s on the committee. Let’s see. Oh, Janine Davis. Oh, dear. Is that a problem? Well… Even you. You’re a slave.

 Good day, Mrs. Davis. This is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali from the astrophysics department. Don’t be alarmed, I’m not really in space. Anyhoo, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you about myself, so sit back, relax and enjoy the following 90-minute video. Oh, come on. Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon. (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?

 Oh, come on. Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon. (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?

 Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon. (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis?

 Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At the age of five I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon. (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you? Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? (Knock, knock, knock) Mrs Davis? God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you? Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

 God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you? Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift.

 God, they’re everywhere. Come in. Dr. Cooper, how can I help you? Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift. Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary. It’s too late. Get ready to like me.

 Yes, hello. I’m fine. Um, I understand you may have a bad impression of me, so I bought you a gift. Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary. It’s too late. Get ready to like me.

 Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary. It’s too late. Get ready to like me.

 Uh, Dr. Cooper, that’s not necessary. It’s too late. Get ready to like me. Roots? The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

 It’s too late. Get ready to like me. Roots? The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

 Roots? The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family.

 Roots? The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family. Why would you think this is an appropriate gift? Um… Well… You are black, right?

 The tragic history of slavery in America. Fun for the whole family. Why would you think this is an appropriate gift? Um… Well… You are black, right?

 Why would you think this is an appropriate gift? Um… Well… You are black, right?

 Asthma attack? Asthma, heart, some kind of attack. I’m fine, though. You guys going to Professor Tupperman’s memorial? I don’t know.

 Asthma, heart, some kind of attack. I’m fine, though. You guys going to Professor Tupperman’s memorial? I don’t know.

 You guys going to Professor Tupperman’s memorial? I don’t know.

 Barely knew him. Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.

 Yeah, you wouldn’t want to look like you guys are brown-nosing the tenure committee, who will all be there. Oh, yeah, that’s what I was hoping for, meerkats.

 Well you better have a good excuse this time, because trimming Q-tips to fit your ears right is obvious nonsense. First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman. It sounds like a long and tedious evening. Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.

 First of all, when you say things like that, people think you’re crazy. Second, the reason I’m cancelling is because I have to attend a memorial service for Professor Tupperman. It sounds like a long and tedious evening. Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.

 It sounds like a long and tedious evening. Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there.

 It sounds like a long and tedious evening. Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there. Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along. Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.

 Eh, it will be. Honestly, if I must endure a long and tedious evening, I’d rather it be with you on date night. But I have no choice. The tenure committee’s going to be there. Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along. Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.

 Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I should come along. Well, now that I think about it, that would be most helpful.

 Come on, Daddy. All the other scientists have seat warmers. This is so humiliating. I’ve got to get tenure. Okay, let’s meet halfway. How about I cut my cleaning lady down to twice a week? Looks like we’re both going to be living like animals.

 Let’s go over our emotional responses one last time. Okay. Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us? Sad.

 Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us? Sad. The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us? Glad.

 Sad. The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us? Glad.

 The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us? Glad.

 The fact that there are so many people here tonight doesn’t make us cranky and claustrophobic. It makes us? Glad. Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was? Bad. However…

 Glad. Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was? Bad. However…

 Giving Mrs. Davis the box set of Roots was? Bad. However… No. Fine. Bad.

 No. Fine. Bad. Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee. You’re here.

 Fine. Bad. Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee. You’re here.

 Unbelievable. You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee. You’re here.

 So am I. His passing makes me feel bad. Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn’t having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren’t coming here, either. I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said. I’d like to know why Penny’s here.

 Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn’t having a cotillion after all. And you, you said you weren’t coming here, either. I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said. I’d like to know why Penny’s here.

 I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said. I’d like to know why Penny’s here.

 I have a thick accent. You don’t know what I said. I’d like to know why Penny’s here. I’m here to support my man, just like you. What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?

 I’d like to know why Penny’s here. I’m here to support my man, just like you. What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?

 I’m here to support my man, just like you. What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong?

 I’m here to support my man, just like you. What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong? Do it. What? Did she do it yet?

 What are you going to do? Take people’s drink orders and get them wrong? Do it. What? Did she do it yet?

 Well, that’s a fine how-do-you-do. Don’t just stand there. Take your breasts out. Ooh, meerkat fight! You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that? Way to hit ’em with both barrels.

 Ooh, meerkat fight! You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that? Way to hit ’em with both barrels.

 You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that? Way to hit ’em with both barrels.

 You’re all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity-defying bosom’s going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like, how are they staying up like that? Way to hit ’em with both barrels. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing. Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

 Way to hit ’em with both barrels. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing. Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

 You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing. Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

 You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality, and whatever Amy plans on doing. Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit? Yes. Okay, because that was not clear.

 Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit? Yes. Okay, because that was not clear.

 Yes. Okay, because that was not clear. Sheldon! What? That was ambiguous.

 Okay, because that was not clear. Sheldon! What? That was ambiguous.

 Sheldon! What? That was ambiguous. Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it? Um…

 What? That was ambiguous. Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it? Um…

 Well, now it’s biguous. What are you gonna do about it? Um… You could talk some smack about his mother. Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.

 Um… You could talk some smack about his mother. Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.

 You could talk some smack about his mother. Well, yes, of course, he wouldn’t like that at all. Last night, I was feeling in need of sexual release when I happened to come across your mother.

 So is tenure. Walk. I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself. You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.

 Walk. I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself. You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.

 I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself. You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.

 You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night.

 I’m just gonna go home and let my work speak for itself. You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night. How about it, Sheldon? What do you think I should do?

 You’re right. This is beneath me. Lie your mother was last night. How about it, Sheldon? What do you think I should do?

 Are you kidding? I would wove to baby-sit for you. I could not ask you to do that. Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh. No. We cannot lose to that jerk.

 I could not ask you to do that. Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh. No. We cannot lose to that jerk.

 Nonsense. Childwen wove me. Something about me just makes them waugh and waugh. No. We cannot lose to that jerk.

 Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I’m going in is what I said to your mother last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t really say that. I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting. Should have taken my breasts out while I had the chance.

 What? I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure. Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields. I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.

 I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure. Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields. I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.

 Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields. I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.

 Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields. I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude. You didn’t bring another gift, did you? No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.

 I don’t know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude. You didn’t bring another gift, did you? No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.

 You didn’t bring another gift, did you? No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.

 You didn’t bring another gift, did you? No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate. Good. Anyway, thank you.

 No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate. Good. Anyway, thank you.

 You’re welcome. (Sheldon attempts a jive handshake) I’m gonna pretend that didn’t happen. Yeah, right on, sister.

 Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again? No. Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later. Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.

 No. Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later. Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.

 Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later. Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.

 Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit.

 Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That’ll come later. Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit. Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately. Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 Absolutely not. Help me out here, I can’t afford another demerit. Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately. Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 Yeah. Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately. Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?

 Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop? I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere. I’m deleting it. Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.

 I don’t know. It’s a fat guy on a Segway. That’s funny everywhere. I’m deleting it. Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.

 I’m deleting it. Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.

 Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet.

 I’m deleting it. Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet. You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas. No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.

 Well, hang on. Maybe the Chinese haven’t finished watching it yet. You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas. No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.

 You know, if you’re trying to make space on the DVR, why don’t you just get rid of some of the stuff you’ve already watched? Like, um, Alphas. No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts.

 No, that’s the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I’m going to re-watch it before season three starts. There is no season three. They cancelled that show. Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger. They did.

 There is no season three. They cancelled that show. Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger. They did.

 Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger. They did.

 Well, they can’t cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger. They did. Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them? Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?

 They did. Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them? Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?

 Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them? Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here?

 Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them? Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here? As a rule, no. That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.

 Dumplings? Don’t you understand what’s going on here? As a rule, no. That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.

 As a rule, no. That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened.

 As a rule, no. That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened. Well, why don’t you make up your own ending? Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.

 That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I’ll never know what happened. Well, why don’t you make up your own ending? Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.

 Well, why don’t you make up your own ending? Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I’ll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I’ll rub pudding on my gums. I’m going to get the number of the SyFy Channel and give them what for.

 It’s six thirty in the morning. I thought you grew up on a farm.

 I’m sorry you’re upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this. I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug. Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure. Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.

 I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug. Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure. Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.

 Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure. Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end.

 Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure. Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end. You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less. Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.

 Oh, that’s nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don’t care how they end. You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less. Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.

 You know, I might be able to help you with this. There’s a whole field of behavioural neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less. Yeah, but I just told you, I don’t have a problem with closure.

 Yeah, it was fun. Kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth. All right, cool. I think you’ll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse. Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

 All right, cool. I think you’ll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse. Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

 Oh. Well, that’s like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

 I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure. I take issue with the word compulsive. All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op… …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

 I take issue with the word compulsive. All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op… …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

 All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op… …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

 All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op… …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it? I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming. By playing tic-tac-toe?

 …tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it? I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming. By playing tic-tac-toe?

 I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming. By playing tic-tac-toe?

 I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming. By playing tic-tac-toe? Yep. Your turn. Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.

 By playing tic-tac-toe? Yep. Your turn. Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.

 Yep. Your turn. Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish.

 Yep. Your turn. Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish. Exactly. How does that make you feel? The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

 Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies. Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I’m about to win. (She wipes the board clean.) B-But we didn’t finish. Exactly. How does that make you feel? The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

 Exactly. How does that make you feel? The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

 Exactly. How does that make you feel? The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti. And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment. Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

 The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti. And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment. Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

 And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment. Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

 Oh, look how cute your little doggy is. Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get too close. If I give the right command in German, she’ll rip your face off.

 Yeah, well, I wouldn’t get too close. If I give the right command in German, she’ll rip your face off.

 Yes. Let’s box it up. Let’s box it up. That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!

 Let’s box it up. Let’s box it up. That’s enough. Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!

 So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con? Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.

 I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive. Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and… And? Doesn’t matter, does it?

 Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and… And? Doesn’t matter, does it?

 Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and… And? Doesn’t matter, does it? I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)

 And? Doesn’t matter, does it? I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.)

 And? Doesn’t matter, does it? I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.) And a complete sucker.

 Doesn’t matter, does it? I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.) And a complete sucker.

 I’m proud of you, Sheldon. (Exits.) And a complete sucker. Oh, yeah. There he is.

 Oh, yeah. There he is. And the home of the brave. Don’t stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that.

 There he is. And the home of the brave. Don’t stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that.

 And the home of the brave. Don’t stop. Yes, keep going. Just like that.

 The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here. When you’re happy with those, you press this button. Got it. Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey! Nice shot.

 Got it. Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey! Nice shot.

 Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey! Nice shot.

 Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Hey! Nice shot. Eh, his giant head did most of the work. Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.

 Nice shot. Eh, his giant head did most of the work. Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.

 Eh, his giant head did most of the work. Very mature. You’re lucky I’m out of silly string. As I was saying, Leonard, you’ll never guess who I just found online. Professor Proton.

 You’re kidding. He’s still alive? Yes. Who’s Professor Proton? He was the host of this great… Hey!

 Yes. Who’s Professor Proton? He was the host of this great… Hey!

 He was the host of this great… Hey! Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton. Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects. It was pretty cool.

 Yes! Sorry, tell me about Professor Proton. Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects. It was pretty cool.

 Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects. It was pretty cool.

 Professor Proton hosted my favourite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. He demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects. It was pretty cool. Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti. Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.

 It was pretty cool. Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti. Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.

 Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti. Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him.

 Aw, so cute when you use the word cool wrong. Like when kids say pasghetti. Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him. Hire him to do what? Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

 Oh, dear lord, Leonard, look. He’s still available for parties and events. We should hire him. Hire him to do what? Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

 Hire him to do what? Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar.

 Hire him to do what? Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar. It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I? Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.

 Well, whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him take 12 pictures with us so we can make a calendar. It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I? Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.

 It would be pretty awesome to hang out with him. I just used awesome wrong, didn’t I? Well, I’m e-mailing him right now.

 Hey, I just found out I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog? Why don’t you put her in a kennel? Why don’t you put your mother in a home? To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.

 Why don’t you put her in a kennel? Why don’t you put your mother in a home? To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.

 Why don’t you put your mother in a home? To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.

 To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine.

 To be honest, she’d do better in the kennel. I’ll talk to Bernie. I’m sure it’s fine. Thank you. It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house. You’re kidding.

 Thank you. It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house. You’re kidding.

 It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house. You’re kidding.

 It’s happening. Leonard, it’s happening. Professor Proton is coming to our house. You’re kidding. You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show? And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.

 You’re kidding. You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show? And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.

 You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show? And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that.

 You mean the guy who used to host that lame kids show? And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that. How’d you get him to come to your house? As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.

 And you just got yourself uninvited. See? I told you I’d find a tactful way to do that. How’d you get him to come to your house? As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.

 How’d you get him to come to your house? As Professor Proton always says, there is no problem you can’t solve if you use your noggin.

 Professor Proton was never late when he was on TV. You know, every day, four o’clock, he was there. Unless tornadoes were ripping apart East Texas, in which case we’d join him in progress. (Phone rings) It’s him. Hello. Well, I see. Yes. All right, we can come get you. Yeah, well, see you soon. Bye. Where is he? The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you. Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.

 Where is he? The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you. Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.

 The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you. Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.

 Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator.

 The third floor landing. The poor old guy’s been walking up the stairs for half an hour. It’s really you. Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator. I agree. Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.

 Mr. Jeffries, I am so sorry. We should’ve told you about the broken elevator. I agree. Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you.

 I agree. Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you. Just, just call me Arthur. Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

 Professor Proton, it’s an honour to meet you. Just, just call me Arthur. Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

 Just, just call me Arthur. Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

 Leonard, you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends. No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator. Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes. Is, uh, is he dangerous?

 No. A friend would’ve, would’ve told me about the elevator. Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes. Is, uh, is he dangerous?

 Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it’s going to ruin my eyes. Is, uh, is he dangerous?

 That doesn’t answer my question. Mr. Jeffries, I’m, I’m Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny. Hi. Hello.

 Mr. Jeffries, I’m, I’m Leonard. This is my girlfriend, Penny. Hi. Hello.

 It, it’s hard to say. I’m, I’m still trying to figure out what, what th, what this is. We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life. Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living. That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

 We just wanted to hang out with you and maybe learn a little about your life. Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living. That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

 Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living. That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

 That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.

 Well, there, there really isn’t too much to tell. After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, uh, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these, uh, children’s parties to, to make a living. That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding. You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show? Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

 That’s too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding. You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show? Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

 You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show? Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing.

 You, you get bit a lot. Let me see if, if I have this straight. You, you two are, are physicists, and you, and you want me to do a children’s science show? Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing. You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University. Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?

 Yes. And if there’s time, take 12 pictures with us in seasonal clothing. You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University. Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?

 You know, I’m a real scientist. I, I have a PhD from Cornell University. Yeah, that’s great. Did you bring your puppet?

 It’s gonna get sucked in. It’s going to get sucked in. Okay, I didn’t know. Yes. See, I’m not a scientist like them.

 Potato clock. Do potato clock. What’s that? I, I power a clock with a, with a potato. Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?

 What’s that? I, I power a clock with a, with a potato. Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?

 I, I power a clock with a, with a potato. Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?

 Shut up. You can do that? I mean, wouldn’t that solve the world’s energy crisis?

 No. Look, guys, keep your money. I, I think, uh, I, I think I’m done. What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away. No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long. Then what is it?

 What, well what’s wrong? Is she upsetting you? Because I can make her go away. No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long. Then what is it?

 No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long. Then what is it?

 No, she, she’s the only reason I’ve, I’ve stayed this long. Then what is it? I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more. Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.

 Then what is it? I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more. Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.

 I don’t know. I think I’m just, I, I just, I just don’t want to be Professor Proton any more. Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton’s the best.

 Mr. Jeffries, I need to show you something. :14:11,446 I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Uh, thanks. But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

 I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Uh, thanks. But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

 Uh, thanks. But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

 But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato?

 Uh, thanks. But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato? What do you two talk about? I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?

 But if you don’t mind me asking, uh, the potato clock, how does it work? Is it a trick clock or a trick potato? What do you two talk about? I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?

 What do you two talk about? I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that?

 What do you two talk about? I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that? I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it. Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.

 I wrote a fan letter to you when I was a child in Texas, and you sent this autographed picture back to me. Do you remember that? I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it. Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.

 I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it. Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up.

 I’ll, I’ll give you a hint. I have a bracelet with my own address on it. Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up. No, I, I get that. But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.

 Well, anyway, um, you may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t have any friends growing up. No, I, I get that. But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.

 No, I, I get that. But, um, I did have you. And every day at four o’clock, you’d come to my house on Channel 68, and we’d do science together. If it hadn’t been for you, well, who knows what would’ve become of me? You know? Instead of a world-class physicist, I could’ve wound up as a hobo. Or a surgeon.

 Your vitals are stable, but let’s take you in for some tests just to be safe. You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance? I’ll do it. He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?

 You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance? I’ll do it. He’s not a relative, he’s not allowed, right?

 Oh, yeah. I can’t catch a break today. We’ll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital. I’m sorry things turned out this way.

 I can’t catch a break today. We’ll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital. I’m sorry things turned out this way.

 We’ll pack up your stuff and meet you at the hospital. I’m sorry things turned out this way.

 Sorry’s not good enough. Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you’ve done. Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom.

 Thank you, Sheldon. That, that was very nice. Want me to sing it again? No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm. There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

 Want me to sing it again? No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm. There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

 No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm. There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O?

 No. The fourth, the fourth time was, was the charm. There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O? No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask. Name it.

 There anything I can get for you? Some apple juice? Uh, some Jell-O? No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask. Name it.

 No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask. Name it.

 No. No, thank you. But I, I do, I do have a favour to, to ask. Name it. Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it. Oh, you’re not. You look awful.

 Name it. Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it. Oh, you’re not. You look awful.

 Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it. Oh, you’re not. You look awful.

 Well, I’m, I’m booked to do a children’s party tomorrow, and, um, frankly I, you know, I, I don’t feel up to it. Oh, you’re not. You look awful. Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me. Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?

 Oh, you’re not. You look awful. Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me. Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?

 Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me. Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton?

 Thank you. Anyway, uh, I mean, you know my act better than anybody. I was, I was hoping that maybe, you know, maybe you’d fill in for me. Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton? Yeah. Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

 Are you saying that you want me to be Professor Proton? Yeah. Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

 Yeah. Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods.

 Yeah. Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods. Or a Korean family in Alhambra. But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?

 Oh, my. What an honour. Oh, this is like being asked to ascend Mount Olympus and dine with the gods. Or a Korean family in Alhambra. But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?

 Or a Korean family in Alhambra. But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?

 Or a Korean family in Alhambra. But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.? Sounds great. So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.

 But they’ll know I’m not you. Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.? Sounds great. So, in a way it’s like I’m your son.

 Isn’t every conversation you two have awkward? Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her. Ready whenever you guys are. Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?

 Painfully so. We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for three minutes, you can just hang up. So into her. Ready whenever you guys are. Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?

 Ready whenever you guys are. Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard?

 Ready whenever you guys are. Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard? Yeah? I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.

 Yeah, yeah, we’ll be right there. Leonard? Yeah? I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.

 Yeah? I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you.

 I’m not sure how I feel about Howard being dungeon master instead of you. Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him. Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me. Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.

 Oh, that’s nice. But relax, sometimes change is good. Uh, you were worried about Zachary Quinto being the new Spock, but you wound up liking him. Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me. Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.

 Oh, please. Every time the topic of change comes up, you throw Zachary Quinto in my face. I’m upset the mailman has a new haircut, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset that daylight saving time started, Zachary Quinto. I’m upset daylight saving time ended, Zachary Quinto. I’m saying this for the last time, Zachary Quinto was a weird, wonderful, unrepeatable event. So stop using him against me. Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in an overgrown old forest. Before you is a giant oak tree with a face on it that looks a lot like Nicolas Cage. He says, (Nicolas Cage voice) Travel with caution. These woods are home to the bones of many a fallen hero.

 As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes. Hey, come on, guys, focus. Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Text sound) Oh, Lucy’s free after all. See ya. Hey, hey, hey, you can’t leave. We just started. You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.

 Hey, come on, guys, focus. Um, uh, oh, mighty Nicolas Cage tree, we thank you for your warning, but we are brave warriors, and nothing short of death will keep us from our goal. (Text sound) Oh, Lucy’s free after all. See ya. Hey, hey, hey, you can’t leave. We just started. You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.

 Hey, hey, hey, you can’t leave. We just started. You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.

 You’re right, I should finish the game. I take my plus-one long sword, stab myself in the face with it. I’m dead, I’ve got a date with a girl. Bye.

 Mm, yeah. Those are both toughies. I know. I have a two-year subscription to Guns & Ammo.53

 Uh, well, when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow. Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone. I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot. Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.

 Long story short, she’s on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone. I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot. Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.

 I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot. Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.

 Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it.

 I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot. Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it. You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend. Ah, that’s my girl.

 Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you’re filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger. I mean, that’s Vegas, you nailed it. You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend. Ah, that’s my girl.

 You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend. Ah, that’s my girl.

 You guys enjoy your evening. I’m gonna go before I ruin anybody else’s weekend. Ah, that’s my girl. No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun. It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?

 Ah, that’s my girl. No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun. It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?

 No, no, no, Amy, wait. I know it’s not the night you had in mind, but why don’t you guys stay and play with us? It’ll be fun. It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem?

 It would? Fun? Okay, three weeks ago you bought crunchy peanut butter, now you want the girls to play D&D? Do you have a drug problem? What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players. Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before. Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.

 What’s the big deal? Raj bailed, so we could use some extra players. Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before. Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.

 Well, I’ve just never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before. Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. No one has.

 So, what do you say? I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master. A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.

 I’ll leave it up to the dungeon master. A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.

 A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says, (Al Pacino voice) You’re playing D&D. You’re playing D&D. This whole apartment is playing D&D.

 Okay, who wants a drink? Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment. Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you. Double potion, please.

 Yeah, we, now, Penny, we don’t consume alcohol during Dungeons & Dragons. It impairs our judgment. Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you. Double potion, please.

 Oh, this isn’t alcohol. It’s a magic potion that makes me like you. Double potion, please.

 Double potion, please. Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die! Okay, literal goose bumps. Look. What do you do?

 Okay, here we go. You find yourselves face-to-face with two hulking ogres. What are you doing in our dungeon? You shall die! Okay, literal goose bumps. Look. What do you do?

 You know what? Give me the dice, I want to roll. The dungeon master’s supposed to roll. Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need? Uh, fifteen or higher.

 The dungeon master’s supposed to roll. Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need? Uh, fifteen or higher.

 Yeah, well I’m supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet. Now give it. All right, what do I need? Uh, fifteen or higher.

 How could you like me a lot? Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful. I’m sweating out of my head.

 Well, uh, for one thing, you have bigger emotional problems than I do, and I find that very attractive in a woman. I, I don’t know. I just, I think you’re wonderful. I’m sweating out of my head.

 The dragon falls from the sky, crashing into the volcano. Yay! But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack. Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?

 Yay! But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack. Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?

 But wait., he’s not dead. He crawls out, spreads his wings and prepares to attack. Yeah, uh, wait. Doesn’t he say something first? You know, maybe in the voice of a beloved celebrity?

 Fine. (Christopher Walken voice) You’d think, after all these years, I’d know not to fly over volcanoes. I’m a freaking idiot. The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect. All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off. Here we go. Fifteen?

 The dragon’s Christopher Walken. That’s perfect. All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off. Here we go. Fifteen?

 All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off. Here we go. Fifteen?

 All right, Amy, it’s your turn. We need one more hit. Finish him off. Here we go. Fifteen? It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground. Wait. Wait. And says?

 Here we go. Fifteen? It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground. Wait. Wait. And says?

 It’s a hit. The dragon collapses to the ground. Wait. Wait. And says?

 Wait. Wait. And says? Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home. Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight. This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.

 Mother? Is that you? Your little boy is coming home. Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight. This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.

 Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight. This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.

 This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.

 Oh, I don’t know about you guys, but I have been through the emotional wringer tonight. This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master. Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure. Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.

 This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master. Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure. Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.

 Oh, yeah? Well, when we get home, I’m gonna take you on a whole different adventure. Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in.

 Ooh! Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy. Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that. The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?

 Okay, I cast a love spell on Sheldon and Amy. Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that. The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?

 Ooh! Sorry, I thought you were gonna do that. The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?

 The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he’s ever seen, and he’s overcome with a desire to rip her armour off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, ’cause apparently she’s into that. What do you do?

 I don’t like this. You see what happens when you let girls play D&D?

 What? I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride. You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up. Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.

 I’ve never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride. You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up. Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.

 You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up. Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise.

 You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up. Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise. I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke. Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

 Thank you. Would you go tell everyone else that? Because they sure think otherwise. I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke. Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

 I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke. Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

 I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke. Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face. Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship? Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

 Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think “a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, why the long face?’, that’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face. Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship? Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

 Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship? Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

 Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship? Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone. And now? And now what?

 Oh, my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone. And now? And now what?

 And now? And now what? Do you have any interest now? I have not ruled it out.

 And now what? Do you have any interest now? I have not ruled it out.

 Do you have any interest now? I have not ruled it out. Wow. Talk dirty to me. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.

 I have not ruled it out. Wow. Talk dirty to me. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.

 Wow. Talk dirty to me. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate.

 Wow. Talk dirty to me. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate. I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more. More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.

 I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but, for me, what we have is extremely intimate. I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more. More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.

 I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more. More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together.

 I guess I know that. It’s just, part of me wants more. More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together. Come on. Let’s go back out there. Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

 More? I mean, look at us. It’s only been three years, here we are in bed together. Come on. Let’s go back out there. Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

 Come on. Let’s go back out there. Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

 Come on. Let’s go back out there. Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through. Okay. I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.

 Well, no. Hold on. My Elven magic-user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through. Okay. I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.

 Okay. I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off.

 Okay. I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off. Oh. What do you do?

 I believe that, uh, we just killed a dragon. While the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armour. (Rolls dice) It comes off. Oh. What do you do?

 Oh. What do you do? I kiss you on the lips. I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.

 What do you do? I kiss you on the lips. I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.

 I kiss you on the lips. I kiss you back on the (Rolls dice) lips as well. Your turn.

 So, anyway, last night on video chat, I spent, like, twenty minutes just staring into Lucy’s eyes. Oh, that sounds romantic. It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time. So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?

 Oh, that sounds romantic. It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time. So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?

 It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time. So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl?

 It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time. So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl? I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people. Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

 So, are we ever gonna hang out with this girl? I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people. Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

 I’d love that, but she’s not really comfortable around people. Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.

 Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick. I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek. How’s that been working for you? Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt. Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.

 How’s that been working for you? Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt. Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.

 Oh, like a charm, unnamed crewman in a red shirt. Leonard, I may have gotten you a job.

 Yes, he does. He caters to my every whim. No, in a couple of weeks, Stephen Hawking’s team is sending an expedition to the North Sea to test hydrodynamic simulations of black holes. One of their experimental physicists dropped out, and I recommended you. Well, do you really think I have a shot? Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.

 No, in a couple of weeks, Stephen Hawking’s team is sending an expedition to the North Sea to test hydrodynamic simulations of black holes. One of their experimental physicists dropped out, and I recommended you. Well, do you really think I have a shot? Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.

 Well, do you really think I have a shot? Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.

 Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen.

 Well, do you really think I have a shot? Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen. He knows, wow. Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?

 Yeah, I’ve worked with Hawking. I talked you up. He knows your research. I think this could happen. He knows, wow. Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?

 He knows, wow. Well, now, but do you think that’s a good idea? Uh, you know Star Trek. Should a guy with no name and a red shirt really go on an expedition?

 Hey, don’t discourage him. This is a fantastic opportunity. No one asked you, Uhura.

 What do you think? Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats? Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat. Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.

 Great. I’ve been doing some reading about vehicular safety. Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats? Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat. Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.

 Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat. Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting.

 Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat. Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting. I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.

 Well, that’s the thing about factoids, they’re interesting. I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.

 I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.

 I know what you’re doing. You don’t want me going on this research trip because you’re afraid to be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning. Sheldon. Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?

 I’m not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning. Sheldon. Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?

 Sheldon. Fine, no more drowning talk. I’ll change the subject. Oh. Who do you think would win in a fight, you or a shark?

 Really, you guys do not need to throw me a going-away party. Are you kidding me? How often can you say bon voyage to somebody when they’re actually going on a voyage? Hello, Rajesh. Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.

 Are you kidding me? How often can you say bon voyage to somebody when they’re actually going on a voyage? Hello, Rajesh. Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.

 Hello, Rajesh. Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.

 Hello, Amy. Nice to see you. What can I say? It’s funnier with the accent.

 You know, one of the things that helped me get through Howard being in space for so long was getting married before he left. Bernadette, sweetie, shut up. Okay. I have a request to make. And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.

 Bernadette, sweetie, shut up. Okay. I have a request to make. And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.

 Okay. I have a request to make. And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.

 And now he can talk. I want to cut open your brain and see what the heck’s going on in there.

 Hey, you don’t think I’m pretty enough to scare your girlfriend? Calm down, Bernie. You’re very scary. It should be me. Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?

 Calm down, Bernie. You’re very scary. It should be me. Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?

 It should be me. Why? So you can make jokes about cutting open my brain?

 I think I have to go to the bathroom. We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.

 We might as well go ahead and eat. She’s not coming back anytime soon.

 Yeah, it does, and here we are. You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this. Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him. Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.

 You know, I have to say, Penny, I don’t understand why you of all people are encouraging Leonard to do this. Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him. Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.

 Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him. Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches.

 Well, I’m his girlfriend, of course I’m gonna support him. Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches. Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out. It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.

 Yeah, well, you’re his girlfriend for now. You know, maybe you’re not aware of this, but there is a rich tradition of men at sea finding comfort in each other’s arms and britches. Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out. It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.

 Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out. It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions.

 Honey, this is a big deal for Leonard, okay? He gets to work with Stephen Hawking. Who, by the way, will not be on the boat. I checked it out. It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions. Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard. I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.

 It’s not that big of an opportunity. And even if Hawking’s theories are correct, all they prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. I mean, me? I’m interested in the big questions. Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard. I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.

 Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard. I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.

 Oh, my God, Sheldon the genius is jealous of Leonard. I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me. Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job. It was you.

 I’m not jealous. I’m just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me. Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job. It was you.

 Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job. It was you.

 Look, sweetie, this is a natural thing to feel, okay? But just because good things are happening to Leonard doesn’t take anything away from you. You know what? Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a girl who worked at the Cheesecake Factory, and she wasn’t very good at her job. It was you. It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair… You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.

 It was you. It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair… You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.

 It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair… You ripped out your own fake blonde hair.

 It wasn’t me. But she was also an actress, and we were both up for the same part in a toothpaste commercial. She got it. Look, I was so jealous. But instead of ripping out her fake blonde hair… You ripped out your own fake blonde hair. I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do. They lie so they don’t look petty.

 You ripped out your own fake blonde hair. I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do. They lie so they don’t look petty.

 I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do. They lie so they don’t look petty.

 I, looked her in the eye, smiled and said, I’m happy for you. Because that’s what friends do. They lie so they don’t look petty. Yeah. How?

 Maybe your lifetime. I went to space. It’s not a competition. You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water. Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.

 It’s not a competition. You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water. Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.

 You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water. Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming.

 You’re right, you’re right. I’m really proud of you, and I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone. And space beats water. Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming. She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay? Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

 Rajesh, I thought Lucy was coming. She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay? Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

 She is. She’s just running a little late. You know how it is, girls always fussing about their hair, their makeup. She’ll be here. Just give it a rest, okay? Um, can I have your attention, everyone? (Clinks glass) That’s, uh, B-flat, for those who don’t have perfect pitch. I would like to propose a toast to my best friend, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. He has been presented with a wonderful opportunity, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

 Thank you, Sheldon. That must’ve been very hard for you to say. Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

 Well, I mean it. I’m really happy for you. And that’s how you get a toothpaste commercial. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

 Uh, go ahead. Read it. Raj, I can’t come to the party. This is all just too much for me. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Sorry. Lucy. Excuse me. Raj, I’m so sorry.

 Raj, I can’t come to the party. This is all just too much for me. I don’t think we should see each other any more. Sorry. Lucy. Excuse me. Raj, I’m so sorry.

 Yep. I’m really gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss you, too. Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law. Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…

 I’m gonna miss you, too. Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law. Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…

 Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law. Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so…

 Penny, we’re in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We’re breaking the law. Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so… Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good. All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.

 Okay, there’s no space in the white zone, so… Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good. All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.

 Anyway, we can e-mail, and I think the phone connections are pretty good. All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I’m not going to jail for you.

 Did you bring enough inhalers? Yeah. And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World. I’m covered.

 Yeah. And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World. I’m covered.

 And, uh, extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It’s a Small World. I’m covered.

 I’m covered. Okay. Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made. Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.

 Okay. Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made. Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.

 Oh, dear Lord, a police officer’s glancing in our direction. We’ve been made. Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.

 Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you.

 Calm down. I’m getting out. I have something I want to give you. Oh, Leonard. It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move. I love you.

 Oh, Leonard. It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move. I love you.

 It’s just a heart-shaped locket with a picture of Leonard’s face in it. He got it at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move. I love you.

 … but then it turns good again, and that means it’s better than if it had never been bad for a while. I know that now, thing’s aren’t good, they are in fact very very bad but at least my heart is starting to heal. Slowly but surely. And oh how I cried. It was like a little, uh, thunderstorm on my face. But I’m a man, okay? So I need to pull myself together, pick up a pen and get it all out in my journal. I mean, it’s not all bad, right? Having my heart broken has allowed me to finally speak in front of you, so, you know, a silver lining….

 Sheldon, it’s not a great time, what do you want? Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important. What is it? Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

 Hello to you, too. I’m sorry, but this is important. What is it? Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

 What is it? Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case.

 What is it? Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case. So? So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case, and Back to the Future III was, get this, in the Back to the Future II case. So? So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?

 So? So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?

 So? So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder? Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here. You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?

 So, did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder? Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here. You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?

 Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here. You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that?

 Sheldon, I got to go inside. It’s getting rough out here. You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that? What was what? This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

 You’re dodging the question, I knew it was you. What was that? What was what? This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

 What was what? This isn’t a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

 Okay, I’m hanging up now. You know there’s no such thing as a k… (Leonard is attacked and dragged into the sea by a huge tentacle. Sheldon wakes up in bed.) No!

 What’s the matter? Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed. Sweetie, did you have a bad dream? To be honest, I did.

 Um, well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams, like the kind you’d get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed. Sweetie, did you have a bad dream? To be honest, I did.

 Sweetie, did you have a bad dream? To be honest, I did. Aw. Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

 To be honest, I did. Aw. Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

 Aw. Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it.

 Aw. Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it. Good night. No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

 Back to the Future II was in the Back to the Future III case. Leonard did it. Good night. No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

 Good night. No, wait. Perhaps I should sleep here so you don’t miss Leonard as much, uh, ’cause you’re being kind of a baby about it.

 I think you’d be pleased to hear that this morning in the parking garage I saw this oil stain on the ground that was shaped just like my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, and I didn’t get upset at all. I’m proud of you. Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good. Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

 I’m proud of you. Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good. Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

 Well, you should be, ’cause she was looking good. Dear Lord, you’re an astronomer. Although you may have earthly woes, get your mind back on the stars. Gee, even the lowly dung beetle chooses to plot its course by using the Milky Way.

 You think you’re so cool because your wife is a person? Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you. You would do that for me? Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.

 Look, Bernie’s at a neuroscience conference with Amy, I’ll go with you. You would do that for me? Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.

 You would do that for me? Of course. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.

 Aw, I love you, too. If I don’t talk to you before you go to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland. Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.

 Good night. No, I will not consider sleeping in my garment bag.

 No. Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess. Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him? You overestimate his significance in my life.

 Well, now that I’ve piqued your interest, welcome to the exciting world of 3D chess. Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him? You overestimate his significance in my life.

 Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him? You overestimate his significance in my life.

 Why don’t you just admit you only want to play this game because you always play it with Leonard and you miss him? You overestimate his significance in my life. Mmm. Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

 You overestimate his significance in my life. Mmm. Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

 Mmm. Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table)

 Mmm. Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table) Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot. Well, I try.

 Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don’t think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? (Taps out No in morse code on the table) Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot. Well, I try.

 Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot. Well, I try.

 Okay, I get it, I get it. You are an emotionless robot. Well, I try. All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with. Great. I’ll go first.

 Well, I try. All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with. Great. I’ll go first.

 All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with. Great. I’ll go first.

 All right, let’s just get this stupid game over with. Great. I’ll go first. Okay. By the way, how are you with zippers?

 Great. I’ll go first. Okay. By the way, how are you with zippers?

 You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny. You’re right. Thank you.

 Really? Why? My queen can now take your rook from below. So that means I lose, right? It’s over? If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

 My queen can now take your rook from below. So that means I lose, right? It’s over? If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

 So that means I lose, right? It’s over? If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun.

 So that means I lose, right? It’s over? If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun. Okay, let’s take a break.  We’re all out of alcohol.

 If I make this move, but I won’t because we’re having too much fun. Okay, let’s take a break.  We’re all out of alcohol.

 Okay, let’s take a break.  We’re all out of alcohol. I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much. Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

 We’re all out of alcohol. I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much. Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

 I wasn’t going to get alcohol. Gosh, I wonder what Leonard’s doing right now. I miss him so much. Well, if you’d like, we could call him. I mean that you could call him. As I’ve explained, the absence of my friends does not cause me pain. As rock and roll bad boy Paul Simon once said, I am a rock, I am an i-i-i-island.

 Leonard? Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny. Hi, Penny! Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.

 Penny? Hey, it’s Penny. Everybody say hi to Penny. Hi, Penny! Wow, it sounds like you’re having a good time.

 Isn’t it five thirty in the morning there? Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning! Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you. Iceberg!

 Is it? Hey, everybody, it’s five thirty in the morning! Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you. Iceberg!

 Uh, okay, well, we were just calling you because we were missing you. Iceberg!

 Uh-oh, hang on. Are you in danger? No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!

 Are you in danger? No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!

 No, it’s a drinking game. Whenever we see an iceberg, we take a shot! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg! Berg!

 Sure. Thanks. Your husband’s weird and his clothes are ridiculous.

 I can’t believe it. All this time I’ve been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is? That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka? No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all. Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.

 That you’re having to process your emotional pain without vodka? No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all. Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.

 No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all. Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health.

 No. Yeah. But you know what the second-worst part is? He does not miss me at all. Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health. Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting? Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

 Allow me to comfort you. At least you’ve got your health. Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting? Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

 Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting? Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter?

 Really? That, that’s it? That’s comforting? Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter? No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain. Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.

 Um, uh, in a hundred years, you’ll both be dead and it won’t matter? No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain. Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.

 No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain. Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all.

 No. Come on, you’re supposed to say, of course he misses you, the only reason he’s partying is to cover up his pain. Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all. This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time? Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

 Oh, no, I don’t think that’s true at all. This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time? Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

 This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time? Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right?

 This is ridiculous. Why am I upset just because he’s off having a good time? Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right? Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now. Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

 Well, perhaps you’re obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman. Is that it? Did I get it right? Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now. Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

 Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now. Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you.

 Okay, that, that’s great. You can stop trying to make me feel better now. Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you. He did? Yes.

 Actually, I can’t. Before Leonard left, he made me promise that I’d take care of you. He did? Yes.

 He did? Yes. Oh, that’s really sweet. Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

 Yes. Oh, that’s really sweet. Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

 Oh, that’s really sweet. Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap.

 Oh, that’s really sweet. Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap. Well, now I miss him even more. Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

 Plus, if I do a good job, he said he’d bring me back a sailor’s cap. Well, now I miss him even more. Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

 Well, now I miss him even more. Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m sure Leonard’s tormented every moment he’s away from your warm embrace and cherry lips.

 Is that right? Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.

 Oh, yes, I, I too am in the throes of heartbreak. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you about it.

 Come on. It’s still early. Let’s do something. Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess. How about we just talk? All right. In 4D chess…

 Well, I have been toying around with an idea for 4D chess. How about we just talk? All right. In 4D chess…

 How about we just talk? All right. In 4D chess… No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know. I own nine pairs of pants.

 All right. In 4D chess… No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know. I own nine pairs of pants.

 No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know. I own nine pairs of pants.

 No. Come on, let’s talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don’t know. I own nine pairs of pants. Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal. I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.

 I own nine pairs of pants. Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal. I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.

 Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal. I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.

 Okay, that, that’s a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal. I see. I own nine pairs of underpants. How about I go first? But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

 I see. I own nine pairs of underpants. How about I go first? But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

 How about I go first? But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand.

 How about I go first? But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand. Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out. I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

 But I don’t want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I’d say it’s a thousand. Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out. I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

 Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out. I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.

 Okay, look, here’s something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out. I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you. Oh, God. And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

 I’ve seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you. Oh, God. And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

 Oh, God. And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave.

 Oh, God. And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave. Okay. Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

 And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you’re going for. Okay, here’s one I thought I’d take to the grave. Okay. Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

 Okay. Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not.

 Okay. Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not. That’s your big revelation? Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.

 Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I’m okay with it, but I’m really not. That’s your big revelation? Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.

 That’s your big revelation? Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.

 That’s your big revelation? Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter. Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed. Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

 Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter. Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed. Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

 Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed. Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings.

 Okay, you know what? I give up. I’m going to bed. Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings. What did I do? I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

 Here’s something else you don’t know about me. You just hurt my feelings. What did I do? I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

 What did I do? I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing.

 What did I do? I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing. I, I didn’t think it was a big deal. It is to me; that’s the point.

 I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me, and you treated it as if it were nothing. I, I didn’t think it was a big deal. It is to me; that’s the point.

 I, I didn’t think it was a big deal. It is to me; that’s the point.

 I, I didn’t think it was a big deal. It is to me; that’s the point. Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better. Your apology is accepted.

 It is to me; that’s the point. Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better. Your apology is accepted.

 Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better. Your apology is accepted.

 Sheldon, you are right. I’m really sorry. I should’ve known better. Your apology is accepted. Thank you. How about a hug? How about a hearty handshake?

 Your apology is accepted. Thank you. How about a hug? How about a hearty handshake?

 Another? Great. Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer. Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere. Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.

 Changes in jet streams can affect the speed at which the Earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer. Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere. Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.

 Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere. Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.

 Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere. Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store. You know, I will miss this. I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.

 Joke if you must, but you’re going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store. You know, I will miss this. I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.

 You know, I will miss this. I’ll tell you what, if my apples are mealy, we’ll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. Heck, you can even push the cart. Please don’t take my looking forward to Leonard’s return as criticism of the job you’ve been doing in his absence.

 Oh, I just cannot believe you’re here. Penny, it’s your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys.

 Penny, it’s your lucky day. Three of the eggs are clearly not jumbo. Grab your keys.

 Happy to, unless it’s hope or a reason to live. Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate. Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.

 Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown. Anyhoo, Leonard will be back in a couple days and I need a welcome home gift for him. As he’s been at sea, perhaps something with a nautical theme might be appropriate. Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.

 Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart.

 Okay, well, I don’t know how much you want to spend, but I do have this pretty cool Aquaman statue. Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart. Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector. I’m a real collector. How rare is it?

 Aquaman? Oh, this isn’t a gag gift, Stuart. Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector. I’m a real collector. How rare is it?

 Yeah, just as well. It’s a pretty rare piece. I’d rather just sell it to a real collector. I’m a real collector. How rare is it?

 Hey, what’s your problem? I’m sorry, I’ve been kind of snippy lately. It’s probably this stupid diet I’m on. Why are you on a diet? I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.

 I’m sorry, I’ve been kind of snippy lately. It’s probably this stupid diet I’m on. Why are you on a diet? I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.

 Why are you on a diet? I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.

 I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section.

 Why are you on a diet? I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section. Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost. Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.

 I’ve put on a couple pounds. Had to buy these pants in the men’s section. Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost. Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.

 Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost. Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer.

 Well, we’ve all seen your mom. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost. Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer. All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this. Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.

 Twelve hundred dollars. That’s my final offer. All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this. Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.

 All right, Sheldon, you win. I’m sure Leonard is gonna love this. Oh, right, a present for Leonard. You better throw in that squirt gun.

 Hey. Twenty-two fifty. Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change. Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.

 Twenty-two fifty. Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change. Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.

 Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change. Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs.

 Okay, here’s, uh, twenty-five. Keep the change. Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs. Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana. Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. 

 Seriously? I just walked up, like, four flights of stairs. Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana. Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. 

 Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana. Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food. 

 Oh. Okay. Well, here’s, um, thirty something cents and a promise I won’t call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana. Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food.  That’s nice. Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.

 Oh, Penny, I see you’ve ordered pizza. I have Chinese food.  That’s nice. Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.

 That’s nice. Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns.

 That’s nice. Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns. Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so… Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.

 Oh, that’s a rather earthy cologne. My uncle used to wear that. Perhaps we can enjoy one last meal together before Leonard returns. Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so… Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.

 Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so… Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport.

 Yeah, thanks, but I kind of feel like eating alone tonight, so… Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport. Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night! What, now, do you have company?

 Are you sure? With your Italian pizza and my Chinese noodles, we could play Marco Polo. I mean, of course, a re-enactment of a meal in the life of Marco Polo the Venetian explorer, not Marco Polo the terrifying water sport. Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night! What, now, do you have company?

 Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night! What, now, do you have company?

 Uh, yeah, it sounds fun, but no thanks. (Toilet flushes) Have a good night! What, now, do you have company? No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so… Oh, I can take a look at it.

 What, now, do you have company? No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so… Oh, I can take a look at it.

 No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so… Oh, I can take a look at it.

 No. No, no, no. You know what? The toilet’s been doing that. I called the building manager, so… Oh, I can take a look at it. Well… I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

 Oh, I can take a look at it. Well… I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

 Well… I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

 Well… I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet. Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom. That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?

 I’m quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet. Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom. That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?

 Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom. That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?

 Yeah, no, no, no. You know what, Sheldon, it’s okay. You don’t have to go into the bathroom. That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table? Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem. Of course. Ask a silly question. 

 That’s curious. If there’s no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table? Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem. Of course. Ask a silly question. 

 Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem. Of course. Ask a silly question. 

 Oh. Well, you know, I, I’ve got two hands and a bit of a drinking problem. Of course. Ask a silly question.  Oh.  That’s odd.

 Oh.  That’s odd. Um, what? There are takeout containers in the trash can.

 That’s odd. Um, what? There are takeout containers in the trash can.

 Um, what? There are takeout containers in the trash can. So? That’s my dinner from last night. What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.

 There are takeout containers in the trash can. So? That’s my dinner from last night. What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.

 So? That’s my dinner from last night. What’s odd is they’re in the trash can.

 So? That’s my dinner from last night. What’s odd is they’re in the trash can. Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself. Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!

 What’s odd is they’re in the trash can. Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself. Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!

 Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself. Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh!

 Okay. Look, honey, I promise there’s no one’s here. I‘ve had a long day. I just want to have a quiet dinner by myself. Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh! What? Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?

 Oh, very well. I’m no stranger to enjoying the pleasures of solitude. Oh! What? Have you gotten Leonard a welcome-home gift yet?

 I feel so stupid. And fat. It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you? Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything. 

 It’s okay. You still look great to me. In fact, why don’t we go in the bedroom and I’ll prove it to you? Sex? Really? I mean, that’s just your solution to everything. 

 Oh, and here’s a fun thing. I worked it out so that there are two different words for spoon, planko and janko. Planko is a spoon with food, janko is a spoon without food. Janko is spelled with a silent ptang. Sheldon, you’re not even listening to the rules of my made-up language. Yes, I am. Then what does tweepadock mean? Uh, elephant?

 Then what does tweepadock mean? Uh, elephant? Lucky guess. I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.

 Uh, elephant? Lucky guess. I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.

 Lucky guess. I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s.

 Lucky guess. I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s. What happened? I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.

 I’m sorry. I’m just distracted by something that happened over at Penny’s. What happened? I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard.

 What happened? I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard. What? She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.

 I fear Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard. What? She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.

 What? She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions.

 What? She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions. I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard. Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.

 She claimed to be alone when there was obviously someone else in her apartment. I have no choice but to assume the worst, given Leonard’s lengthy sea voyage and her famously ravenous nether regions. I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard. Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.

 I don’t think Penny would cheat on Leonard. Oh, really? She and I once had a staring contest. She clapped really loud and made me blink. It’s a small leap from there to sexual infidelity.

 You’re being ridiculous. Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can. Poor Leonard.

 Amy, there were Chinese food containers in the trash can. Poor Leonard.

 Do you hear anything? I hear a woman’s voice. Is it Penny? No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.

 I hear a woman’s voice. Is it Penny? No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.

 Is it Penny? No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing.

 Is it Penny? No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing. Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like. There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.

 No, it’s you. All right, I hear whispering and giggling. Now I think I hear kissing. Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like. There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.

 Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like. There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants.

 Yeah, like you know what kissing sounds like. There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants. Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard. Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)

 There’s kissing in Star Trek, smarty-pants. Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard. Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)

 Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard. Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door)

 Let me listen. Sounds like Leonard. Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door) No, Sheldon, don’t. Aha. 

 Please. Why would Leonard come home early and waste his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy? Yeah, that’s it. I’m catching her in the act. (Unlocks door) No, Sheldon, don’t. Aha. 

 Leonard? Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that.  Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?

 Sheldon, you cannot just barge in here like that.  Right. (Goes out.) (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Are you going to answer the door or should I open it and say aha again?

 Oh, no, I should apologize. Uh, I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you. That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month. Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying. No, he doesn’t.

 That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month. Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying. No, he doesn’t.

 Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying. No, he doesn’t.

 Oh, no, no, let’s not sugarcoat this. You find me finicky, pedantic and annoying. No, he doesn’t. I actually have used those exact words before. In that order. Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.

 No, he doesn’t. I actually have used those exact words before. In that order. Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.

 I actually have used those exact words before. In that order. Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room.

 I actually have used those exact words before. In that order. Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room. The what? Amy?

 Well, Leonard, I think it’s high time you and I address the tweepadock in the room. The what? Amy?

 The what? Amy? Please leave me out of this. Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.

 Amy? Please leave me out of this. Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.

 Please leave me out of this. Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore.

 Fine. Leonard, there’s no need for you to pretend to like me anymore. Come on, I said I was sorry. No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny. It was fine.

 Come on, I said I was sorry. No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny. It was fine.

 No, no, you save your apologies for after you’ve had disappointing coitus with Penny. It was fine.

 Come on, this is silly. Hey, um, I brought you back a little present from my trip, huh? It’s that sailor cap that you wanted. It’s neat, huh? You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir? I don’t. I really don’t. Just try it on. Oh, yeah. Hello, sailor.

 You honestly think you can buy back my friendship with a cheap souvenir? I don’t. I really don’t. Just try it on. Oh, yeah. Hello, sailor.

 I don’t. I really don’t. Just try it on. Oh, yeah. Hello, sailor.

 Yeah, yeah, yeah, very perky. Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie’s ready. Yay.

 Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. (Bernadette rolls eyes and walks out) Ooh, brie’s ready. Yay.

 Good morning. Hello. So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me? I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.

 Hello. So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me? I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.

 So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me? I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.

 So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me? I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work. Where do you think I would take you? Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

 I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work. Where do you think I would take you? Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

 Where do you think I would take you? Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

 Where do you think I would take you? Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me. I’m going to work. You can come if you want. Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.

 Who knows? Uh, you said you’d be home yesterday, but you came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know, I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park. Or a cornfield maze. Or a back alley dog fight. You tell me. I’m going to work. You can come if you want. Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.

 I’m going to work. You can come if you want. Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt.

 I’m going to work. You can come if you want. Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt. No, I don’t. Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.

 Okay. By the way, you have something on your shirt. No, I don’t. Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.

 No, I don’t. Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true.

 No, I don’t. Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true. I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell. You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?

 Hurts, doesn’t it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you’ve ever told me is true. I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell. You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?

 I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell. You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you?

 I didn’t make it back. The ship sank, I’m in hell. You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you? Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t? All right, I’ll give you that one.

 You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you? Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t? All right, I’ll give you that one.

 Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t? All right, I’ll give you that one.

 Why would anyone claim to be from New Jersey if they weren’t? All right, I’ll give you that one. Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.

 All right, I’ll give you that one. Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.

 Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? I want you to admit that what you did was wrong.

 Hey, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me? I want you to admit that what you did was wrong. Fine. What I did was wrong. I wish I could believe you.

 I want you to admit that what you did was wrong. Fine. What I did was wrong. I wish I could believe you.

 Fine. What I did was wrong. I wish I could believe you. You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying. You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.

 I wish I could believe you. You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying. You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.

 You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying. You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight.

 You know what? I’m not driving you to work, because you’re incredibly annoying. You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight. Stop it. Keep it up?

 You say one thing and do the other, so then you are driving me and you find me a delight. Stop it. Keep it up?

 Oh, hey, what are you doing here so early? Driving Sheldon to work. He’s still mad at Leonard, huh? Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.

 Driving Sheldon to work. He’s still mad at Leonard, huh? Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.

 He’s still mad at Leonard, huh? Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.

 Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray.

 He’s still mad at Leonard, huh? Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray. I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good. Thought I heard you out here.

 Well, he’s mad at you, too. He says you’re the succubus who led his friend astray. I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good. Thought I heard you out here.

 I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good. Thought I heard you out here.

 I don’t know what succubus is, but it has suck in it, so that can’t be good. Thought I heard you out here. Hey, Sheldon. You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.

 Thought I heard you out here. Hey, Sheldon. You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm.

 Hey, Sheldon. You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm. Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months. You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.

 You don’t get a hey. You get a hmm. Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months. You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.

 Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months. You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating.

 Come on, don’t be like that. We had so much fun together the last couple of months. You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating. Sheldon. I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?

 You’re right. Which makes your betrayal all the more devastating. Sheldon. I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?

 Sheldon. I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now?

 Sheldon. I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now? Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do… Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. 

 I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. You have any idea the kind of coupons I’m going to get in the mail now? Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do… Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. 

 Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do… Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy. 

 Sheldon, your fight’s with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do… Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.  Really? Yes. You’re either with me or against me.

 Careful, Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.  Really? Yes. You’re either with me or against me.

 Maybe there’s a third option. FYI, I had a doughnut for breakfast, you jerk.

 That’s so great. If you guys prove the existence of Unruh radiation… Hey, hey, hey, hey. My eyes are up here. Howard, Raj. Judas. You know what? You’re a crazy person. A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.

 Howard, Raj. Judas. You know what? You’re a crazy person. A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.

 You know what? You’re a crazy person. A crazy person with a long memory, and if all goes according to plan, a robot army.

 Or a mutant army. It depends on how my Kickstarter goes. I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren’t just friends. You’re best friends. And that’s a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he’s so mad at you? It’s ’cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it. A little loud, dude. So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?

 I said, stop it. Now, listen to me. You two aren’t just friends. You’re best friends. And that’s a beautiful thing. I mean, Leonard, you know why he’s so mad at you? It’s ’cause he missed you. Yeah, and as his friend, you should be happy he has love in his life. As I do. This man held my breast the other day and I love him for it. A little loud, dude. So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?

 A little loud, dude. So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?

 So, can we please put aside these petty differences and just be glad we’re here together?

 Uh, it wasn’t anything weird. It was just to see how big they were.

 And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist, and then to cap off the perfect day, the Los Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.  I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights. I’m so glad you guys are friends again. And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.

 I thought the measures were going to be the stars of the show, turns out it was the weights. I’m so glad you guys are friends again. And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.

 I’m so glad you guys are friends again. And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too.

 I’m so glad you guys are friends again. And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too. Aw. Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.

 And I’m glad you and I are friends again, too. Aw. Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.

 Aw. Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.

 Aw. Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it. Fifty cents off Vagisil. Think of me when you apply it.

 Which reminds me. This came in the mail, and I want you to have it. Fifty cents off Vagisil. Think of me when you apply it.

 We’re sorry, Rajesh.  Maybe we can do it next week. Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry. Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.

 Maybe we can do it next week. Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry. Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.

 Whoa, whoa, we’re not that sorry. Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.

 Don’t worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.

 Thank you. Hallelujah. Because I’ve got something even better planned. Aw.

 Hallelujah. Because I’ve got something even better planned. Aw.

 Come on. Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T. Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there. We did them at Princeton, too.

 Just hear me out. I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T. Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there. We did them at Princeton, too.

 Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there. We did them at Princeton, too.

 Oh, in ours we would just run around town looking for a store that would sell us beer. So, uh, who’s in? I think it sounds fun. Yeah, me, too.

 Yeah, me, too. I’m in, let’s do it. I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?

 I’m in, let’s do it. I’m sorry. Are we really doing this or are we tricking Koothrappali again like with the dinner party?

 What’s all this? Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt. You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley? Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

 Oh, everything I could possibly need to win the scavenger hunt. You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley? Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

 You really think he’s gonna send us to a bowling alley? Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

 Okay, everybody. Who’s ready for a scavenger hunt? (Pumping disco music) Somewhere in the city of Pasadena, I’ve hidden a golden coin. You will be faced with a total of ten puzzles. Each p… (cough) each, each puzzle will lead you to the location of the next, the last of which will lead you to the coin. The first team that finds it wins. He is a born showman. Any questions? Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

 He is a born showman. Any questions? Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

 Any questions? Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

 Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?

 Any questions? Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start? It’s not funny. No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. 

 Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start? It’s not funny. No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. 

 It’s not funny. No, Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It’s based on the premise that Princeton isn’t a very good school. 

 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me. I just said, couples sound great. Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah. All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.

 I just said, couples sound great. Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah. All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.

 Mm-hmm, yeah, you don’t think I’m smart enough. You think I’m gonna be a liability. Even though I totally just used the word liability correctly in a sentence. Yeah. All right, let’s, let’s do couples. I want to.

 Stop that. Penny is not a liability. Thank you. Do you want to be on my team? Maybe we pick names out of a hat.

 Thank you. Do you want to be on my team? Maybe we pick names out of a hat.

 All right, hurry up and close the door so they can’t hear us. Would you stop pouting? So, you picked my name. Get over it. Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name? No. It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.

 Yes, and do you know what the odds are I’d pick your name? No. It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting.

 No. It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting. All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me. What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.

 It’s not hard, one in five. Now you know why I’m pouting. All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me. What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.

 All right, teams. Get ready to open your first puzzle. Go. Do you see what I did? The first puzzle is a puzzle. Oh, my God, how adorable is that? I wish I had a friend like me. What are you doing? You have to start with the edges.

 Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine? Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast! Stop yelling at me. Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.

 Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast! Stop yelling at me. Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you.

 Stop yelling at me. Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you. Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go. But we haven’t finished the puzzle.

 Hey, you’ll know when I’m yelling at you. Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go. But we haven’t finished the puzzle.

 Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go. But we haven’t finished the puzzle.

 Ooh, ooh, it’s the comic book store. All right, come on, that’s where we have to go. But we haven’t finished the puzzle. But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on. You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

 But we haven’t finished the puzzle. But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on. You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

 But, it, it doesn’t matter. We know the answer, come on. You think you know the answer. But it could be a trick. What if when the puzzle’s complete, there’s a sign in the window that says go to the train store?

 Okay, it’s not gonna say that. Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store. It’s the comic book store. Let’s go. Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.

 Well, I hope you’re wrong. I really want to go to the train store. It’s the comic book store. Let’s go. Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.

 It’s the comic book store. Let’s go. Come on, numb nuts, it’s the comic book store.

 Yeah. So when you guys plan fun activities, does my name even come up, or…? I invited you to my murder mystery party. No, you didn’t.  Oh.

 No, you didn’t.  Oh. Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

 Oh. Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

 Ugh, we’re the last ones here, hurry up. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

 Not with a bowling ball on their back. Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time. Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.

 Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there’s no hard feelings. Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time. Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.

 Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time. Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve.

 Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time. Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve. Riddle me this… Got it.

 Relax, it’s a hard puzzle. It’s gonna take a while to solve. Riddle me this… Got it.

 Congratulations, you got it last.  You’re really mean, you know that? So no one’s gonna buy anything.

 You’re really mean, you know that? So no one’s gonna buy anything.

 Aha. Okay, let’s see. To continue on your quest, leave no stone unturned. Ooh. The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks. Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab? Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

 The next clue must be hidden under one of these rocks. Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab? Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

 Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab? Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this?

 Oh. Okay. Sheldon, I, I’ve got to ask, how did you figure out that it was the geology lab? Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this? Yes. Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

 Oh, simple, the ‘arrah, ‘arrah in the riddle mean Jan Arrah, a member of the Legion of Superheroes, known as Element Lad. And then the word He, it wasn’t the masculine pronoun, but rather H e, the abbreviation for helium. See where I’m going with this? Yes. Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

 Yes. Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab.

 Yes. Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab. Wow. I can drink a beer underwater. And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

 Nice try. Now, Element Lad’s ability is the power to transmute chemical elements. Helium has an atomic number of two. If you multiply that by the atomic number of N, nitrogen, you get 14, which is the atomic number of? I’m just funnin’ you, silicon. And that is the most common element in the Earth’s surface. So that narrowed it down to the geology lab or the chemistry lab. Wow. I can drink a beer underwater. And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

 Wow. I can drink a beer underwater. And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of…

 Wow. I can drink a beer underwater. And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of… Shut up. I solved it. Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.

 And I’m sure your parents are proud. Now, finally, the line in this room the thing you’ll see was an obvious reference to Fantastic Four member The Thing, who’s made entirely of… Shut up. I solved it. Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.

 Shut up. I solved it. Those are map coordinates. Got ’em. Let’s go.

 What are you talking about? You know exactly what I’m talking about. No, she doesn’t. I just made that up. Why would you do that?

 You know exactly what I’m talking about. No, she doesn’t. I just made that up. Why would you do that?

 Because you were about to quit like a big, Sheldon, cover your ears. I’m not a child. I know the word ninny. Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass. Wish I had a man like her on my team.

 I’m not a child. I know the word ninny. Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass. Wish I had a man like her on my team.

 Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass. Wish I had a man like her on my team.

 Yeah, well, you should have quit ’cause I’m still gonna beat your ass. Wish I had a man like her on my team. Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this. Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.

 Wish I had a man like her on my team. Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this. Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.

 Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this. Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt.

 Hey, I am every bit as much of a man as Penny. Now, let’s do this. Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt. Oh. Hey, that’s my shirt.

 Wait, it’s not all pants, there’s one shirt. Oh. Hey, that’s my shirt.

 This one is, too. No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it. But wait. So does this one. Maybe the spot’s the clue.

 No, no, that’s not mine. It has a big spot on it. But wait. So does this one. Maybe the spot’s the clue.

 But wait. So does this one. Maybe the spot’s the clue. Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot. Oh, that’s clever.

 Maybe the spot’s the clue. Sheldon’s spot. The coin is in your spot. Oh, that’s clever.

 It was good. That’s it? Good” I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time. My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.

 That’s it? Good” I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time. My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.

 I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time. My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites.

 I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity, I didn’t think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time. My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites. It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem. Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.

 My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It’s one of my all-time favourites. It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem. Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.

 It was very entertaining despite the glaring story problem. Story problem? You, oh, Amy, what a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I’ve watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it’s still light out, but, I defy you to find a story problem. Here’s my jaw, drop it.

 Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online, and it’s one of the questions. And thank you, I’d kill for that woman’s bone structure. Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice? I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that. Because her life wasn’t enough?

 Why are you reading Pride and Prejudice? I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that. Because her life wasn’t enough?

 I’ll tell you why. Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so now I’m trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that. Because her life wasn’t enough?

 Okay, well, can we imply that you’re well-endowed? I do have one oddly long testicle. Okay, now you’re talking like a winner!

 I do have one oddly long testicle. Okay, now you’re talking like a winner!

 Whatcha doin’? Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works. So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages? Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.

 Oh, it turns out Amy’s beloved Pride and Prejudice is a flawless masterpiece. He’s got too much pride, she’s got too much prejudice, it just works. So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages? Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.

 So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages? Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.

 So you’re looking to ruin something for her in the funny pages? Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke. Mm-hmm. And? And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?

 Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke. Mm-hmm. And? And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?

 Mm-hmm. And? And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him?

 Mm-hmm. And? And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him? Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be. Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.

 And I think I’ve got it. Consider, a family possesses a dog that is so large and poorly disciplined, he causes nothing but problems. Why do they keep him? Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be. Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.

 Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be. Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes.

 Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy and didn’t know how big he was gonna be. Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes. Sorry, buddy. Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.

 Of course. You know, why couldn’t she just like Ziggy? Yeah? That thing’s riddled with plot holes. Sorry, buddy. Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.

 Sorry, buddy. Ooh, I think she’s a fan of Garfield as well. Oh, darn it, now so am I.

 Look, I mean, I’m not proud of it, but it does work. I got her to watch a six-part documentary on Monty Python. Even I was bored, I just wanted to see if she’d make it to the end. You sound kind of proud of it. I am, I’m really proud.

 Hello, Sheldon. Is everything okay? Yes. Why? Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey. April 13, a dark night, indeed.

 Yes. Why? Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey. April 13, a dark night, indeed.

 Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey. April 13, a dark night, indeed.

 Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey. April 13, a dark night, indeed. So what can I do for you? I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

 April 13, a dark night, indeed. So what can I do for you? I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

 So what can I do for you? I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.

 So what can I do for you? I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening. Really? Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.

 I’m calling to invite you to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening. Really? Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.

 Really? Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie.

 Really? Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie. That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together? Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?

 Yes. You were kind enough to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark with me. So I’d like to return the favour by inviting you to watch an episode of your favourite childhood television series, Little House on the Prairie. That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together? Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?

 That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together? Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not?

 That sounds lovely. Why are you rubbing your hands together? Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not? Of course I’m in. Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.

 Um, I’m putting on lotion. Are you in or not? Of course I’m in. Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.

 Of course I’m in. Excellent. Then I shall see you tomorrow. Good night, Dr. Fowler.

 If it is, I’ll take her. Ooh, I got one, too. The ladies are coming to us. Oh, man, if I’d started this years ago, I’d be divorced two or three times by now. What? Another one. You know, it, it’s weird. When they’re reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked? Well, they’re not running away screaming, so, no.

 What? Another one. You know, it, it’s weird. When they’re reading your profile, does it, does it make you feel exposed? Like they see you naked? Well, they’re not running away screaming, so, no.

 I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches. Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner. You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark. That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.

 Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Yeah. Personally, I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favourite show, not mine. Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls, eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter? Huh? That’s strange, since peanut butter wasn’t introduced until the early 1900s. If I knew this show was about time travel, I would have watched it much sooner. You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark. That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.

 You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark. That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.

 You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark. That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous. Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge. Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

 That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at that time. This is more like Little House on the Preposterous. Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge. Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

 Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge. Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

 Sheldon, we’re in a relationship. When you get angry, just tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge. Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco. Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it. Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

 Are you sure? Every time my dad stayed out all night, my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco. Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it. Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

 Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it. Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

 Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it. Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it. I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry. Thank you.

 Fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it. I shouldn’t have said it. I’m sorry. Thank you.

 Although, technically, Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied. He couldn’t even get that done. Aw!

 It’s actually steamier than it looks. Sheldon’s looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings. Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon. How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table? If you do that, I’ll scream.

 Oh, no, I got bored with that. I’m just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon. How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table? If you do that, I’ll scream.

 How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table? If you do that, I’ll scream.

 How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table? If you do that, I’ll scream. Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you. That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.

 If you do that, I’ll scream. Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you. That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.

 Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you. That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one.

 Sheldon, I have some exciting news to tell you. That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one. I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.  You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.

 That makes two of us. My new cuticle scissors will be here in one to two business days. Come on, one. I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.  You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.

 I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.  You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win.

 I’ve been invited to consult on an experiment at your university for a few months. Isn’t that great? We could have lunch together. We could carpool.  You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win. So, you’re okay with this? Well, why wouldn’t I be?

 You know, riding with Leonard has gotten a little tedious lately. The only car game he ever wants to play is the Quiet Game. And he’s terrible at it, I always win. So, you’re okay with this? Well, why wouldn’t I be?

 So, you’re okay with this? Well, why wouldn’t I be? Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats. My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?

 Well, why wouldn’t I be? Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats. My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?

 Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats. My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university?

 Well, this project would have us working in close proximity to one another. And there’s the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats. My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university? Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace. Really?

 My father used to say that all the time. That and, um, who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here? But what does that have to do with you working at the university? Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace. Really?

 Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace. Really?

 Sheldon, don’t defecate where you eat means don’t have a romantic relationship in the workplace. Really? Yes. Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.

 Really? Yes. Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.

 Yes. Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm.

 Huh. Yeah, I always took it literally. That’s why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant. Hmm. I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together. Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.

 I’m relieved that you don’t have a problem with us working together. Not as relieved as I’m about to be. It’s a brave new world, little lady.

 I think it could be romantic. You know, my parents met at his place of work.  Your father’s a gynaecologist. I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops. Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?

 Your father’s a gynaecologist. I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops. Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?

 I know. What started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred, which continues to this day. Two-Eyed Cyclops. Would you please tell him this isn’t a good idea?

 That’s a Raging Ogre. Yeah, I know. I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too? Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.

 Yeah, I know. I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too? Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.

 I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too? Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.

 Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.

 I’m just saying, I’d never want to work with Bernadette. Can you imagine seeing someone all day long and then you’re supposed to hang out with them after work, too? Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together. Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.

 Hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together. Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.

 Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman. Bipolar Bear. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I won’t be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we’ll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.

 You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical. You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?

 You know, not a lot of people know this, but the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim. That’s right, my phone is just as smart as you guys. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy, Bernadette, Penny. He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he? I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday. Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

 He’s never gonna stop doing that, is he? I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday. Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

 I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday. Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

 I don’t mind. I’m hoping to put his love of repetition to good use someday. Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.  Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.

 Hi. Um, I’ve reconsidered. Uh, you can’t work where I work. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.  Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.

 Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.  Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good.

 Sheldon. I already signed the contract. I cashed a cheque.  Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good. Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it. Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.

 Mmm, you are not going to come out of this looking good. Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it. Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.

 Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it. Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.

 Sheldon, I don’t understand. I thought you said you were fine with it. Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other. He said what? Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. 

 Well, I was. But that was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other. He said what? Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. 

 He said what? Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious. 

 Now, don’t be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.  Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband. Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here? No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.

 Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband. Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here? No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.

 Yeah, well, now, well, keep it short. From what I gather, brevity is your friend. So, are we good here? No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project.

 No, we’re not good here. I am working on this project. Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do. Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public. That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.

 Yeah, and you can’t tell her what she can and cannot do. Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public. That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.

 Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public. That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.

 That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear.

 Last week, you told Leonard he couldn’t wear his Wookie jacket out in public. That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear. Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together. Really?

 That’s different. I’m not going to the mall with someone dressed like a dumb space bear. Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together. Really?

 Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together. Really?

 Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you. I’ll be in a different building. And we don’t even have to have lunch together. Really? Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys. Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?

 Really? Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys. Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?

 Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys. Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?

 Yes. Before all things, I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and, with a little luck, scare the living crap out of some monkeys. Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself? More and more sure. Well, then, you have my permission.

 Hmm. You sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself? More and more sure. Well, then, you have my permission.

 More and more sure. Well, then, you have my permission. I didn’t ask for your permission. Too late. No backsies.

 Well, then, you have my permission. I didn’t ask for your permission. Too late. No backsies.

 Too late. No backsies. No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around. Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway. Well?

 No, no, listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was, if we worked together, there’d be too much of me for you, not the other way around. Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway. Well?

 Howard, if you’re going to lie to your wife, don’t start the sentence with Sheldon misunderstood. That’s a dead giveaway. Well?

 My point is, I’m sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long. Like looking me in the eye and lying to me? Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you? Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

 Like looking me in the eye and lying to me? Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you? Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

 Oh, well, come on, where am I supposed to look when I lie to you? Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.

 So, boys, how was the pyjama party? You guys jump on the bed and sing into hair brushes? It wasn’t a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride. Please, stop talking. As you wish.

 It wasn’t a pyjama party. It was just a couple of bros hanging out, giggling, eating cookie dough and watching Princess Bride. Please, stop talking. As you wish.

 I mean, you know, Sheldon, none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t tried to help you. Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn. Gentlemen. Amy.

 Uh, it also wouldn’t have happened if, in the early universe, hydrogen was a little more common or a little less common. This is fun. Your turn. Gentlemen. Amy.

 Hey. Hello. That was kind of icy. You two okay? Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.

 Hello. That was kind of icy. You two okay? Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.

 That was kind of icy. You two okay? Oh, we’re fine. As Howard advised, she’s merely respecting our professional boundaries.

 Yeah, you make a good point. It would appear I was worried for nothing. Look at her, desperately wishing she was over here at the cool table. Don’t worry, little moth. The flame will come to you. Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn’t call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight? I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy. That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.

 Oh, uh, on the off chance that Bernadette doesn’t call back and apologize, how do you feel about Mexican food for dinner tonight? I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy. That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.

 I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy. That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips.

 I don’t know. Sounds kind of heavy. That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips. And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm. Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?

 That’s ’cause you always fill up on chips. And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm. Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?

 And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm. Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?

 And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm. Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson? Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper? Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.

 Ah, Sweden. Yeah, home of my favourite Muppet and, uh, second favourite meatball. Okay, the Nordic reputation for lack of humour is well-founded. Boy, is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson? Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper? Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.

 Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper? Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.

 Oh, please, I’m your boyfriend. You call me Sheldon. That’s right, I am in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool. Sheldon. It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?

 Sheldon. It’s a physical relationship, too. Hand-holding, hugging, even on hot days. Ow. Okay, here’s a new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?

 Test subject D7, aka Betsy, fear response study. Image number one, Frenchman on bicycle carrying baguettes. No visible reaction. Image number two, sousaphone. Still no reaction. Okay. Let’s kick things up a notch. Image number three, crocodile with a mouthful of monkeys. Okay, now we’re talking. Dr. Fowler? What do you want, Sheldon? Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!

 Dr. Fowler? What do you want, Sheldon? Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh!

 What do you want, Sheldon? Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better? Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?

 Well, I’m done with work, so… ugh! Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better? Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?

 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better? Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing?

 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, uh, better? Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing? Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli. So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.

 Oh, baguettes. Yes, I like baguettes. What exactly are you doing? Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli. So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.

 Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli. So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night.

 Determining baseline fear levels in capuchin monkeys by measuring their response to visual stimuli. So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night. I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.  What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.

 So, goofing off. As I was saying, I’m done with work and Leonard’s not. So good news, you get to take me home. Play your cards right, I’ll let you drive me past the lot where the buses park at night. I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.  What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.

 I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.  What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour.

 I can’t leave now, Sheldon. I’m very busy. Besides, why would I want to do you a favour after the way you treated me in the cafeteria? Image number four, boa constrictor.  What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour. You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup. Aw. Embarrassed you?

 What on earth are you talking about? My behaviour in the cafeteria was delightful. Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humour. You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup. Aw. Embarrassed you?

 You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup. Aw. Embarrassed you?

 You embarrassed me in front of my colleagues on my first day here. Image number five, kitten in a teacup. Aw. Embarrassed you? You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home. I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.

 Aw. Embarrassed you? You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home. I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.

 You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home. I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me.

 You know what? I don’t have time for this. Find another way home. I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me. Really? What tipped you off? Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…

 I’m starting to get the sense that you’re angry with me. Really? What tipped you off? Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…

 Really? What tipped you off? Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language…

 Really? What tipped you off? Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language… Get out. Well, now, that.

 Couple things, actually. Your tone of voice, your body language… Get out. Well, now, that.

 It’s nine o’clock, where you been? Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop. Oh, no. Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?

 Oh, I had to take the bus home. Fell asleep and missed my stop. Oh, no. Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka?

 Oh, no. Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka? I did not. Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.

 Did you know that Los Angeles has a Little Sri Lanka? I did not. Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.

 I did not. Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk.

 I did not. Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk. Why’d you get that? You hate lamb. I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.

 Well, I do now. They’re a lovely people. Although terrifying when you wake up face-to-face with them. If you’re hungry, I brought home some mutton and coconut milk. Why’d you get that? You hate lamb. I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.

 Why’d you get that? You hate lamb. I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem.

 Why’d you get that? You hate lamb. I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem. I thought Amy was gonna drive you home. Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.

 I was asking for directions. Apparently, there was a communication problem. I thought Amy was gonna drive you home. Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.

 I thought Amy was gonna drive you home. Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice.

 I thought Amy was gonna drive you home. Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice. Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy? Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?

 Yeah, I thought so, too, but she’s acting very strangely. I was discussing it with a Sri Lankan fellow on the bus, and he hypothesized that a tiger may have recently run across her shadow. Although he may have just been trying to drum up business for his brother-in-law’s witch doctor practice. Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy? Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?

 Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy? Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?

 Okay, Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy? Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her? Yeah. But you didn’t even hear the details.

 Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her? Yeah. But you didn’t even hear the details.

 Yeah. But you didn’t even hear the details. Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong. But you don’t even know…

 But you didn’t even hear the details. Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong. But you don’t even know…

 Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong. But you don’t even know…

 Sheldon, I’ve known you a long time, and I’m going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy’s right. You’re wrong. But you don’t even know… Doesn’t matter. But, now, but in my defence…

 But you don’t even know… Doesn’t matter. But, now, but in my defence…

 Doesn’t matter. But, now, but in my defence… Doesn’t matter. You’re not listening to my side of it.

 But, now, but in my defence… Doesn’t matter. You’re not listening to my side of it.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here so late? I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk? No. Well, I cannot give this stuff away.

 I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also, I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh, speaking of which, do you want some mutton and coconut milk? No. Well, I cannot give this stuff away.

 No. Well, I cannot give this stuff away. What do you want? Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

 Well, I cannot give this stuff away. What do you want? Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

 What do you want? Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

 What do you want? Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo. Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo. I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.

 Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions. And frankly, who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo. Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo. I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.

 Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo. I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour.

 Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo. I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour. What’s your point? My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.

 I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humour, the funniest kind of humour. What’s your point? My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.

 What’s your point? My point is, we’re a couple, and I like you for who you are, quirks and all.

 Why is that great news? In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying, mo’ infections, mo’ money. Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first. Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.

 In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying, mo’ infections, mo’ money. Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first. Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.

 Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first. Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already.

 Wait, Maybe you want to wash your little raccoon hands first. Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already. Guys, listen up.  Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.

 Oh, calm down. If I had it, I’d be dead already. Guys, listen up.  Can’t listen, zone. Also don’t care.

 Look, she’s gonna be back any second, so here’s the deal. I’m writing a song, and I was hoping we could all play it for her together. Aw. Oh, I love that. That is so beautiful.

 I know what I did. I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair. You know, I can be romantic if I want to. It’s fine. And also not true. Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off. That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?

 It’s fine. And also not true. Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off. That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?

 Okay, just you wait and see. I’m gonna romance your freakin’ ass off. That’s beautiful. Is that Shakespeare?

 Sheldon, I know you’re in the zone, but do you want some tea? All right, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but you haven’t spoken in hours and I’m starting to get worried. Please say something. Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius. Nope, it was better before. Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.

 Leonard, prepare to be humbled and weep at the glory of my genius. Nope, it was better before. Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.

 Nope, it was better before. Look at it. I feel like my mind just made a baby. And it’s beautiful. It’s not like human babies, which are loud and covered in goop.

 If by cool you mean willing to, yes. If by cool you mean cool, clearly you’ve never seen me play the cello. Great. Will you play the ukulele? Of course. I’d be happy to shred it on my ax. Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.

 Great. Will you play the ukulele? Of course. I’d be happy to shred it on my ax. Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.

 Of course. I’d be happy to shred it on my ax. Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.

 Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar. Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face. Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.  Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.

 Fine. I will melt her heart. And her face. Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.  Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.

 Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.  Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon.

 Gentlemen. Uh, no doubt you heard about my little breakthrough. Now, if your plan is to hoist me on your shoulders and carry me around the cafeteria, please refrain. I don’t care for heights, motion sickness or the thought of your necks touching my buttocks.  Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon. Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired. Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.

 Seriously, congratulations, Sheldon. Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired. Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.

 Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired. Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising.

 Yeah, I read your paper online. That technique for creating a new heavy element is inspired. Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising. Sheldon, that’s incredible. Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.

 Oh, well, thank you. Believe it or not, I just learned a Chinese research team at the Hubei Institute for Nuclear Physics ran a test on a cyclotron, and the results were extremely promising. Sheldon, that’s incredible. Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.

 Sheldon, that’s incredible. Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line.

 Sheldon, that’s incredible. Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line. So, what happens next? Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.

 Yeah, I know. They called it the greatest thing since the Communist party. Although I’m pretty sure that the Communist party made them say that. I like China. See, they know how to keep people in line. So, what happens next? Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.

 So, what happens next? Oh, more testing, more success, more fame. Yeah, but don’t worry, I will remain the same down-to-earth humble Joe I’ve always been.

 Well, you’ve probably never had to do this stuff ’cause you’re young and beautiful and men have always thrown themselves at you. Yeah, I’m trying to be sad about that. I can’t.

 I don’t think the Smithsonian’s gonna want your marker.  And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday. Sheldon, I’m so proud of you. Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.

 And that’s why you’re not on a list for my tree fort. Ooh, guess who’s getting an article written about him in Physics Today? I’ll give you a hint. You measured the diameter of his suspicious mole yesterday. Sheldon, I’m so proud of you. Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.

 Sheldon, I’m so proud of you. Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean.

 Sheldon, I’m so proud of you. Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean. What’s next? This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…

 Well, you should be. My discovery is spreading like wildfire. Unlike my mole, which is holding steady at the size of a navy bean. What’s next? This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…

 What’s next? This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and…

 What’s next? This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and… And what? No. No, no, no, no.

 This is the very copy of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and… And what? No. No, no, no, no.

 And what? No. No, no, no, no. What’s wrong? I’ve made a horrible mistake.

 No. No, no, no, no. What’s wrong? I’ve made a horrible mistake.

 What’s wrong? I’ve made a horrible mistake. What are you talking about? This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?

 I’ve made a horrible mistake. What are you talking about? This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?

 What are you talking about? This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means?

 What are you talking about? This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means? That Americans can’t handle the metric system? Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. 

 This table, it’s in square centimetres. I read it as square metres. You know what that means? That Americans can’t handle the metric system? Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. 

 That Americans can’t handle the metric system? Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000. 

 That Americans can’t handle the metric system? Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.  But the Chinese team found the element. Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

 Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.  But the Chinese team found the element. Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

 But the Chinese team found the element. Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

 But the Chinese team found the element. Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about. So you just got lucky? Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.

 Yeah, well, they shouldn’t have. My calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about. So you just got lucky? Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.

 So you just got lucky? Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky. You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking. What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.

 Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky. You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking. What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.

 You and me both, brother. It doesn’t matter. The element was found because of you, and that’s groundbreaking. What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud.

 What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius, I’m a fraud. You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else. Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.

 You know, Sheldon, in neuroscience, we’re forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else. Oh, great. Now I’m worse than a fraud. I’m practically a biologist.

: You got to stop beating yourself up over this. I mean, you made a mistake, but it was a happy mistake. There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve.  Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.  No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.

 There’s nothing happy about it. I’m being given credit that I don’t deserve.  Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.  No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.

 Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.  No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing.

 Oh, people get things they don’t deserve all the time. Look at me with you.  No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing. Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape. You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.

 No, Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me. Like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I’ve got to find a way to stop this thing. Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape. You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.

 Buddy, I don’t think you can. I mean, once it’s out there, it’s out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape. You know, frankly, I’d prefer a sex tape.

 I will not. Oh, please? No, I want this to be romantic. It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.

 Oh, please? No, I want this to be romantic. It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.

 No, I want this to be romantic. It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.

 It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you.

 No, I want this to be romantic. It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you. There he is. (General applause)  Stop it. Stop celebrating me.

 It will be. I don’t call anyone a ho, and the only time I use the phrase my bitch, I’m referring to you. There he is. (General applause)  Stop it. Stop celebrating me.

 There he is. (General applause)  Stop it. Stop celebrating me. Woo! And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.

 Stop it. Stop celebrating me. Woo! And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.

 Woo! And no woos. Oh, not you, Dr. Woo. You’re fine. I want you all to know that you have no reason to applaud me. My so-called breakthrough wasn’t the result of my genius. It was nothing more than a boneheaded mistake. So please refrain from praising me for it in the future.

 Boy, Bernadette is gonna love this. Yeah. It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic. Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face. Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.

 Yeah. It must be nice to have someone do something so romantic. Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face. Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.

 Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face. Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count.

 Okay, you know what’s not romantic? Rubbing it in someone’s face. Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count. I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her. The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.

 Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn’t count. I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her. The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.

 I’m getting worried about Bernadette. I’m gonna call and check on her. The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant.

 The National Science Foundation wants to give me a substantial grant. Oh, that’s a big deal. I know. When will this nightmare end? Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.

 Oh, that’s a big deal. I know. When will this nightmare end? Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.

 I know. When will this nightmare end? Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.

 Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you.

 I know. When will this nightmare end? Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you. I’m not. You’re not?

 Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still, what you did is amazing. We’re really proud of you. I’m not. You’re not?

 I’m not. You’re not? Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.

 You’re not? Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.

 Sheldon, I’ve been thinking about it, and you’re right. You don’t deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for you. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.

 Oh, my God, is she okay? Yeah, but she’s at the hospital in quarantine. What? Poor Bernadette.

 Yeah, but she’s at the hospital in quarantine. What? Poor Bernadette.

 Oh, don’t worry about it. I brought the date here. Guys, come on in. What’s all this? Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you. Howie.

 What’s all this? Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you. Howie.

 Well, tonight is the anniversary of our first date, and I wanted to celebrate it by writing a song for you. Howie.

 Howie. Sheldon, get over here. She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day? Sheldon.

 Sheldon, get over here. She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day? Sheldon.

 She might be contagious. Don’t you think I’m having a rough enough day? Sheldon.

 If I didn’t have you life would be dreary, I’d be string theory without any string. I’d be binary code without a one, a cathode ray tube without an electron gun. I’d be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I’d speak a lot more Klingon, Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam.  And he’d definitely still live with his mom. Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette. Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

 And he’d definitely still live with his mom. Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette. Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

 Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You’re my best friend and my lover. We’re like changing electric and magnetic fields. You can’t have one without the other. I couldn’t have imagined how good my life would get from the moment that I met you, Bernadette. Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

 Oh, we couldn’t have imagined how good our lives would get from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.

 Is that a pregnancy test? Oh, yeah, just the first one. I didn’t save them all.

 That’s because you’ve never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day. Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash.  Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail. Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?

 Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can’t wait until I get a rash.  Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail. Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?

 Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail. Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton?

 Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail. Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton? Oh, yeah. Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.

 Hey, isn’t that Professor Proton? Oh, yeah. Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.

 Oh, yeah. Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello.

 Oh, yeah. Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello. Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him. I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.

 Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn’t moderately famous 30 years ago. Let’s go say hello. Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him. I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.

 Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him. I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him.

 Oh, maybe we shouldn’t bother him. I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him. He thinks there’s a difference. Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.

 I’m not going to bother him, I’m going to talk to him. He thinks there’s a difference. Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.

 He thinks there’s a difference. Arthur? Arthur, it’s me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age.

 Yes, and I’ve heard so much about you. Hey look, we’re wearing the same orthopaedic shoes. I can’t believe I dress like a celebrity. Oh, okay, I get it now. Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?

 Oh, okay, I get it now. Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?

 Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?

 Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?

 Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter. Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here? No, she’s not. So, what prescription are you getting filled?

 Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here? No, she’s not. So, what prescription are you getting filled?

 So, what prescription are you getting filled? Sheldon. No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me. I wasn’t going to tell you.

 Sheldon. No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me. I wasn’t going to tell you.

 No. Wait, I want to guess. Don’t tell me. I wasn’t going to tell you.

 I wasn’t going to tell you. Sheldon, come on. No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything? Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.

 Sheldon, come on. No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything? Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.

 No, no, no. I’m really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything? Well, given my age, that’s more than just a lucky guess.

 What’s up? Not his testosterone levels. Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity. How is that possible?

 Not his testosterone levels. Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity. How is that possible?

 Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity. How is that possible?

 Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity. How is that possible? Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton. Goody. What’s it say?

 How is that possible? Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton. Goody. What’s it say?

 Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton. Goody. What’s it say?

 Goody. What’s it say? He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it. That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me. You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.

 He’s working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I’d take a look at it. That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me. You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.

 That’s strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard’s email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can’t believe he picked you over me. You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.

 You don’t want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn’t done any real science in decades.

 Is it really worth getting upset about? Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk. Come on, he’s a retired kids show host. That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

 Yeah, they say don’t meet your heroes. Don’t peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you’ll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk. Come on, he’s a retired kids show host. That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

 Come on, he’s a retired kids show host. That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

 Come on, he’s a retired kids show host. That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert. Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper? Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

 That’s even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert. Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper? Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

 Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper? Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.

 Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn’t want you to read his paper? Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills. Maybe he found you, um, a bit much. That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.

 Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills. Maybe he found you, um, a bit much. That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.

 Maybe he found you, um, a bit much. That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it.

 Maybe he found you, um, a bit much. That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it. From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you… What?

 That’s kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I’ve mastered the big three. There’s the coy smile. There’s the friendly chuckle. There’s the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one’s tricky, I’m still working on it. From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you… What?

 From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you… What?

 From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you… What? Doesn’t matter. No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.

 What? Doesn’t matter. No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.

 Doesn’t matter. No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I’ve heard it my whole life. The word’s annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.

 Sheldon, what are you doing here? I’m sorry, did I wake you? Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty. Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.

 I’m sorry, did I wake you? Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty. Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.

 Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty. Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars.

 Of course you woke me, it’s seven thirty. Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars. What do you want, Sheldon? It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.

 Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn’t on this map of Hollywood stars. What do you want, Sheldon? It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.

 What do you want, Sheldon? It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.

 What do you want, Sheldon? It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you. She sounds like a keeper. Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.

 It’s been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you. She sounds like a keeper. Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.

 She sounds like a keeper. Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry.

 She sounds like a keeper. Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry. All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night. No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.

 Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry. All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night. No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.

 All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night. No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you.

 All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night. No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you. Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house. Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.

 No, no, now that we’ve cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you. Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house. Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.

 Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house. Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead.

 Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house. Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead. I should be so lucky. So, uh, what do you say?

 Well, then, I’ll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it’s promising and he’s going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you’re a washed-up has-been. Or dead. I should be so lucky. So, uh, what do you say?

 I should be so lucky. So, uh, what do you say? You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard. It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. 

 So, uh, what do you say? You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard. It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. 

 You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard. It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying. 

 You know, if it’s all the same with you, I, I think I’ll, I’ll stick with Leonard. It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.  Good night. Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. 

 It’s because I’m annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I’m annoying.  Good night. Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. 

 Good night. Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I’m annoying. Say it. Say it. I’m annoying. Say it. 

 If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would be doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you. If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking. I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting. Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.

 If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking. I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting. Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.

 I’m sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I’m just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it’s really interesting. Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you’re both here.

 Because as it just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children’s television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model. Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours. That’s what I told my lawyers. Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.

 Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours. That’s what I told my lawyers. Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.

 That’s what I told my lawyers. Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.

 Mr. Nye, hello. I’m sorry he got you involved in this nonsense.

 Thank you. It wasn’t easy. They’re gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do, I know it.

 Hi, Sheldon. I’m surprised to see you here. Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light. I’ll get Leonard.

 I’m surprised to see you here. Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light. I’ll get Leonard.

 Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light. I’ll get Leonard.

 Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light. I’ll get Leonard. No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you. If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.

 I’ll get Leonard. No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you. If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.

 No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you. If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy.

 No, no, no, I’m, I’m here, I’m here to see you. If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy. No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper. Thank you. It would be an honour.

 If you’re hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can’t help you. I’ve been informed that he’s now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy. No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper. Thank you. It would be an honour.

 No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper. Thank you. It would be an honour.

 No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to get your opinion about my, my paper. Thank you. It would be an honour. Oh. Uh, great. Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.

 Thank you. It would be an honour. Oh. Uh, great. Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.

 Oh. Uh, great. Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it.

 Oh. Uh, great. Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it. And, what did you think? Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. 

 Actually, I don’t need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it. And, what did you think? Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. 

 And, what did you think? Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. 

 And, what did you think? Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing.  Mmm. Thank you. Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. 

 Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing.  Mmm. Thank you. Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. 

 Mmm. Thank you. Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. 

 Wow. And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.

 And that’s not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want.

 Sure. You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play. Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window. What window?

 You’ve had this dart board since I’ve known you, but I’ve never seen you play. Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window. What window?

 Oh, uh, we played, once. I broke a window. What window? That one over there. Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?

 What window? That one over there. Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets?

 Leonard, where are the Skee-Ball tickets? Skee-Ball tickets? Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up. Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.

 Skee-Ball tickets? Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up. Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.

 Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up. Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box.

 Yeah, from when we went to the arcade three years ago? I finally decided what prize I want. Hurry up. Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box. Ooh, what are you gonna get? None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

 Uh, if I still have them, they’re probably in the junk box. Ooh, what are you gonna get? None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

 Ooh, what are you gonna get? None of your business. But when you see me wearing a flower in my lapel later, you are most welcome to sniff it.

 Yup, oh, here you go. Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles. Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college. Aw, did she hate you?

 Oh, thank you. Here, get yourself an eraser for your troubles. Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college. Aw, did she hate you?

 Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college. Aw, did she hate you?

 Oh. I forgot about this. My aunt made it for me when I started college. Aw, did she hate you? Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite. I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?

 Aw, did she hate you? Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite. I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?

 Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite. I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box?

 Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater, and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite. I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box? Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there. Well, you barely looked. Let me see.

 I seem to be a few tickets short. Are there more in the box? Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there. Well, you barely looked. Let me see.

 Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there. Well, you barely looked. Let me see.

 Hmm, I think I got them all. Nope, they’re not in there. Well, you barely looked. Let me see. No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets. Leonard, let me look in the box.

 Well, you barely looked. Let me see. No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets. Leonard, let me look in the box.

 No, no, no, I, I looked, and there’s, there’s, there’s no more tickets. Leonard, let me look in the box.

 Leonard, let me look in the box. Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out. Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider. No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.

 Okay, okay. I’m gonna show you what’s in the box. But just promise not to flip out. Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider. No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.

 Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider. No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out.

 Why would I flip out? Is it a spider? It’s a spider. No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out. Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm? That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

 No, if it was a spider, Lenny would’ve flipped out. Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm? That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

 Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm? That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD?

 Okay, Sheldon, I know I was supposed to return this DVD a long time ago, and I know we rented it on your card. But it’s been, like, seven years and clearly nothing bad has happened. So in-in-in-instead of being a giant pain in the ass like you always are, what if this one time you just tried staying calm? That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD? I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it. Okay.

 That seems like a reasonable request. Although so did, hey, Leonard, would you mind returning that DVD? I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it. Okay.

 I’m sorry. I’ll, I’ll take care of it. Okay. I mean it, I’m going to. I believe you.

 I said I would. How about that? Sheldon’s being reasonable. Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.

 How about that? Sheldon’s being reasonable. Yeah, it’s freaking me out. I’m gonna go.

 So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet. Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch. When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear? You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.

 Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch. When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear? You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.

 When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear? You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.

 When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear? You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel. Well, I don’t know how to do that. How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

 You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel. Well, I don’t know how to do that. How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

 Well, I don’t know how to do that. How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.

 Well, I don’t know how to do that. How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it. That’s stupid. Why? You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. 

 How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it. That’s stupid. Why? You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. 

 That’s stupid. Why? You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way. 

 That’s stupid. Why? You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.  I’m telling you, try the hanger. Put it on. Let’s share the experience.

 You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.  I’m telling you, try the hanger. Put it on. Let’s share the experience.

 I’m telling you, try the hanger. Put it on. Let’s share the experience.

 I’m telling you, try the hanger. Put it on. Let’s share the experience. You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD. Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

 Put it on. Let’s share the experience. You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD. Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

 You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD. Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.

 Not even to sleep? No. So, you’re just an idiot? It’s called proving a point.

 Okay, you guys are overreacting. Raj is gonna appreciate how I had his back.

 What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I’m a desperate mess instead of just being pretty sure. (Phone text sound) It’s Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I love you, Penny.

 Hey, what’re you working on? I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy. That’s a pretty cool idea. Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

 I’m thinking about how one could use the fact that a rapidly rotating mirror turns virtual photons into real ones as a method of observing dark energy. That’s a pretty cool idea. Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

 That’s a pretty cool idea. Yeah. It’s great you’re here. I’d love to get an engineer’s opinion.

 Sure. This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one? Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me. You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

 This chair is squeaky. Now, do I fix it or get a new one? Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me. You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

 Well, Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store. And I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool. Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved. Ah! And I’d just like to point out that even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn’t use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me. You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

 You know, you could reimburse the video store owner’s next of kin.

 Smile. What is that? What is that for? So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.

 What is that? What is that for? So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.

 I must say, Sheldon, you’re handling this DVD business with an impressive amount of maturity. I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel. Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing? The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

 I don’t know why that surprises you. I’m a grown man. As should be evident by this sport coat and very real flower in my lapel. Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing? The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

 Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing? The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like?

 Is there some kind of new coping mechanism you’re employing? The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like? I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD? There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

 The more interesting question you should be asking is, what does this flower smell like? I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD? There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

 I’m gonna go with sad. So what’s the story with you and this DVD? There’s nothing to tell. Maybe I purchased a book entitled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and I followed its wise suggestions, one of which was stop and smell the flowers.

 There’s a girl at the Cheesecake Factory I can set you up with. I love you, Penny.

 I think the real question is, why do you waste your time with cheap, childish pranks? There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can. Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin. Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?

 There’s probably a deep reason. Which I’d be happy to discuss with you over some peanut brittle in a can. Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin. Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?

 Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin. Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater?

 Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options. Video store owner, Nursis Manookian, has no next of kin. Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater? Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right? Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

 Well, you seem hot under the collar, or is that the sweater? Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right? Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

 Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right? Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon.

 Oh, oh, no, no. It’s because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held. According to Father Solakian, no one attended. Luckily, my trip wasn’t a complete waste. I lit a candle and prayed for your death but I’m not Armenian, so it probably won’t work. This is over, right? Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon. Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie. You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.

 Oh, not necessarily. I suggest you look for long-lost relatives either in Armenia or Lebanon. Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie. You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.

 Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie. You know, it might be fun. You love hummus.

 Listen to me, Sheldon. I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie. You know, it might be fun. You love hummus. Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy? Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

 You know, it might be fun. You love hummus. Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy? Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

 Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy? Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.

 Why isn’t this bothering you? Isn’t your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn’t this making you crazy? Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out. What? Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

 Leonard, I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out. What? Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

 What? Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.

 Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it. What? I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment. Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!

 What? I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment. Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!

 I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought, some day, this might be a teachable moment. Aaaah! I, you, how can, what!

 I think you’re the one who fell over. That would explain why the sky was also on its side. Hey. Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?

 That would explain why the sky was also on its side. Hey. Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?

 Mmm. I’m gonna say not. That’s just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she’s snoring. Speaking of that big side of beef, uh, she’s invited all of you to Thanksgiving at her house. Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful. Come on, it’ll be fun. Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.

 Mmm. You know, I’ve been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse, so I’d love to go, but, unfortunately, that sounds awful. Come on, it’ll be fun. Uh, we were actually gonna do it here.

 Come on, it’ll be fun. Uh, we were actually gonna do it here. Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy. Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.

 Uh, we were actually gonna do it here. Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy. Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.

 Please? Bernadette’s bringing her dad ’cause her mom’s out of town, and I never have anything to say to that guy. Oh, since you put it that way, I’d love to go, but that sounds even more awful.

 Uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you? I want to go. Yeah, me, too. I’m in.

 Sheldon. Ugh, fine, I’ll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it’s on you.

 Penny, you know those are real, right? No, they’re not. Yeah, they are. No, they’re not.

 If you think you’re gonna make me do all this by myself, you’re crazy. I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself. Oh, well, that’s a great idea.

 I was gonna make Raj do it all by himself. Oh, well, that’s a great idea.

 Yes, Miss Amy. I can’t believe you’re married to that idiot. Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof. Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.

 I can’t believe you’re married to that idiot. Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof. Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.

 Ugh, would you stop? We just did it as a goof. Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.

 Well, a goof or not, you’re actually married. You need to get this taken care of.

 Oh, oh, oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard’s proposed, he’s gotten a resounding no. Yeah, that’s just off the top of my head. So how do I undo this? I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened. Great, well, what do I have to do?

 So how do I undo this? I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened. Great, well, what do I have to do?

 I’m hoping you can get an annulment. It’s just like it never happened. Great, well, what do I have to do?

 I do crap for you all the time. Get out there. So your wife’s in Arizona with the grandkids? Uh-huh. You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.

 So your wife’s in Arizona with the grandkids? Uh-huh. You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.

 Uh-huh. You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.

 You know, my mom’s been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. ‘Cause she’s so fat. I’ll get the door while you finish laughing. Hey, guys.

 What? Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we’re gonna talk about the rest of the day? Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it. Ugh, I need some air.

 Look, I get it, I screwed up. Is this all we’re gonna talk about the rest of the day? Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it. Ugh, I need some air.

 Why are you mad at me? You’re the one that did the stupid thing. I’m just trying to fix it. Ugh, I need some air.

 How am I the bad guy? She’s the one who married someone else. I’m the victim. Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re sleeping with his wife. I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here? Sure.

 Sounds like Zack’s the victim. You’re sleeping with his wife. I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here? Sure.

 I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here? Sure.

 I’ve kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here? Sure. I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there? They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.

 Sure. I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there? They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.

 I’m trying to watch the game. Shut up. Oh, how do you not make a first down there? They passed against a nickel defence. They should have run it off-tackle.

 Wait, you invited him here? Yeah.  I’m getting ready to weigh in again. Come on.

 I don’t care for your mother’s bathroom. There’s not an angle to do one’s business without a clown figurine staring at you. That’s why I sit. Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas? 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.

 That’s why I sit. Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas? 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.

 Yeah, that’s why. You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas? 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.

 So was my dad. And then he did. Anyone need a beer? Yeah. Thank God.

 Yeah. Thank God. So, does your dad still live in Texas? No. He died when I was 14.

 Thank God. So, does your dad still live in Texas? No. He died when I was 14.

 So, does your dad still live in Texas? No. He died when I was 14.

 No. He died when I was 14. I’m sorry to hear that. So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried. Here you go.

 I’m sorry to hear that. So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried. Here you go.

 So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried. Here you go.

 So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried. Here you go. Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man. No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.

 Here you go. Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man. No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.

 Oh, thanks. So, if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man. No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no.

 No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no. Well, you’re having one with me. All right. To your dad.

 Did somebody say pie? I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there. All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time. Me, too.

 I don’t know what’s scarier, the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there. All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time. Me, too.

 All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time. Me, too.

 All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. And there’s the clown that came out of her. I really didn’t want to come here, but this is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had in a long time. Me, too. Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now. She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.

 Me, too. Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now. She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.

 Hey. Howie says you’ve been making fun of him all day. Now, both of you apologize right now. She’s so tiny. It’s funny when she’s mad.

 All right, mister, I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology. Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

 Perhaps you’re right. I’m sorry for my behaviour. I’ve had alcohol, and it’s caused me to be inappropriate. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

 I’m sorry, too. Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around. I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world. Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

 Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around. I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world. Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

 I know I’m hard on you, but you’re not the worst son-in-law in the world. Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

 Mike, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Well, I’m drunk. I just vomited on a lot of clowns.

 This is Science Friday. I’m Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show. So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake. Yes.

 Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn’t want to. Uh, big fan of the show. So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake. Yes.

 So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake. Yes.

 So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake. Yes. And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder. Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.

 Yes. And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder. Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.

 And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder. Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz.

 And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder. Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz. It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure. Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?

 Who? Give me their names. I bet it’s Wolowitz. It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure. Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?

 It’s just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It’s like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure. Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel?

 That’s interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn’t that be unusual? Because you’re a physicist. Yes, yes, I’d be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don’t need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television.

 President Seibert, I don’t know why you’re yelling. You’re the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one’s worth a dollar. I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding. Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.

 I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding. Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.

 Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys.

 I know you don’t like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding. Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys. How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

 Yeah, well, I’m not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys. How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

 Of course you’re not. People love trained monkeys. How can you not be happy? You’re tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I’m jealous of Sheldon.

 He’s bringing Cinnamon? For a whole week, the nerve of some people.

 Sheldon, can I come in? Do you have cookies? No. Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?

 Do you have cookies? No. Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil?

 No. Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil? Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while. Why are you here?

 Good. I don’t deserve cookies. Come in. Wil? Hey, Sheldon. It’s been a while. Why are you here?

 Why are you here? Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay? Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque. Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

 Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay? Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque. Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

 Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque. Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

 Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did.

 Certainly. Although, right now, I’m having a rough time because there’s three people in my room, and it’s starting to feel like a discotheque. Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did. Yeah, I know a little something about that. Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.

 Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did. Yeah, I know a little something about that. Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.

 Yeah, I know a little something about that. Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad.

 Yeah, I know a little something about that. Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad. I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek. How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

 Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad. I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek. How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

 I remember why it’s been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek. How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn’t relate to that?

 That just happened to me. Next time you’re stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is. Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things. Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games. Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so… 

 Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things. Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games. Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so… 

 Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games. Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so… 

 Yeah, I’m an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games. Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so…  I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there. I do see what you’re saying. That helps.

 Uh, we’re trying to cheer him up, so…  I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there. I do see what you’re saying. That helps.

 I’m just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher’s shadow. But now, it’s just one small part of a pretty great life, and it’s a part that I’m happy is there. I do see what you’re saying. That helps.

 I do see what you’re saying. That helps. Good. Would you two like to stay and play trains with me? Sure.

 Good. Would you two like to stay and play trains with me? Sure.

 Would you two like to stay and play trains with me? Sure. Okay. Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

 Sure. Okay. Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

 Okay. Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch.

 Thank you. There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.

 There’s also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it’s when you’re ten.

 Hey, you’re in a good mood. I’m in a great mood. Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist. Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.

 I’m in a great mood. Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist. Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.

 Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist. Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it.

 Well, you’re about to be in an even better one. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I’ve been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist. Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it. Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results. Really?

 Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it. Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results. Really?

 Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results. Really?

 Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results. Really? Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away. So no more interviews?

 Really? Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away. So no more interviews?

 Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away. So no more interviews?

 Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away. So no more interviews? No, it’s all over. I can’t believe it.

 No, it’s all over. I can’t believe it. Well, you’re welcome. You robbed me of my greatest achievement.

 I can’t believe it. Well, you’re welcome. You robbed me of my greatest achievement.

 Well, you’re welcome. You robbed me of my greatest achievement.

 Well, you’re welcome. You robbed me of my greatest achievement. What? I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

 You robbed me of my greatest achievement. What? I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

 What? I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too.

 What? I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too. I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy. By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

 I’m back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I’m sick of Wolowitz, too. I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy. By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

 I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy. By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends.

 I, I don’t understand. All you’ve done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy. By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends. Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other. That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,

 By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends. Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other. That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,

 Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other. That’s what makes their friendship unlikely,

 Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don’t even live near each other. That’s what makes their friendship unlikely, Hey, what’s with all the yelling? Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

 That’s what makes their friendship unlikely, Hey, what’s with all the yelling? Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

 Hey, what’s with all the yelling? Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away.

 Hey, what’s with all the yelling? Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away. Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,  That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.

 Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away. Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,  That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.

 Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,  That’s it, I’m down to seven friends.

 Oh, that’s great. You must be thrilled,  That’s it, I’m down to seven friends. He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right? When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

 That’s it, I’m down to seven friends. He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right? When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

 He’s counting hobbits and superheroes, right? When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.

 When I thought the element was real, I didn’t want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world. The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science. Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight. Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.

 The, the element never existed. I didn’t take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science. Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight. Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.

 Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight. Will you tell him he’s out of his mind.

 Don’t you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I’m back up to eight. Will you tell him he’s out of his mind. Actually, I get what he’s saying. Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.

 Will you tell him he’s out of his mind. Actually, I get what he’s saying. Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.

 Actually, I get what he’s saying. Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy.

 Actually, I get what he’s saying. Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy. It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

 Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy. It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

 It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree.

 It’s like if you’re dating someone you’re not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree. Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does. No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

 I have no idea what she’s talking about, but we’re ganging up on you so I agree. Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does. No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

 Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don’t publish it, it’s just a matter of time before someone else does. No, no, of course you have to publish. That’s your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice.

 Come on, don’t give him a hard time. I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team. It’s not a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

 I’m sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team. It’s not a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

 It’s not a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

 It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.

 It’s not a big deal. It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving. Okay, Barry, that’s enough. No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

 It’s a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn’t your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving. Okay, Barry, that’s enough. No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

 Okay, Barry, that’s enough. No, no, no, that’s okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn’t that right, Bawwy.

 I can’t believe they kicked you out.  I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again.  Bark once if you need me to call PETA. What’s that animal doing in our apartment?

 I can’t believe they’re still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon’s toothbrush at Howard’s. I guess you’re sharing with Daddy again.  Bark once if you need me to call PETA. What’s that animal doing in our apartment?

 Bark once if you need me to call PETA. What’s that animal doing in our apartment?

 Bark once if you need me to call PETA. What’s that animal doing in our apartment? Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out. I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

 What’s that animal doing in our apartment? Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out. I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

 Oh, relax, she’s in her crate. She can’t get out. I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

 I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse. You know, if it makes you feel any better… It probably won’t. You’re probably right.

 You know, if it makes you feel any better… It probably won’t. You’re probably right.

 And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms. You should probably go.

 Thank you. Ira, if I may, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour last week. It’s all right. Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me? No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

 It’s all right. Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me? No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

 Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me? No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

 No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory?

 Now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me? No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory? Well… I believe I can answer that.

 No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory? Well… I believe I can answer that.

 He asked me. Fine. As I was saying… You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

 Fine. As I was saying… You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

 As I was saying… You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named…

 As I was saying… You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named… Sheldon. That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

 You’re telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named… Sheldon. That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

 Sheldon. That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium.

 That’s right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour’s dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn’t build because Santa wouldn’t bring him enriched uranium. You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you. What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me? Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

 You know, I’d really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it’s okay with you. What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me? Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

 What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me? Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

 Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

 Actually, I didn’t invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I’m not comfortable with confrontation. Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me. Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio. You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

 Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me. Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio. You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

 Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio. You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

 You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.

 Wow, you’re really good at this. Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I’m like a pyramid. How you doing over there? Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.

 Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I’m like a pyramid. How you doing over there? Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.

 How you doing over there? Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.

 Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury.

 How you doing over there? Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury. Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next? Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.

 Oh, I hope it’s just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury. Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next? Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.

 Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next? Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out.

 Oh, I would, but I’m on my way out. Where? Texas. Right now? Why?

 Texas. Right now? Why? Is someone sick? Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.

 Right now? Why? Is someone sick? Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.

 Is someone sick? Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby.

 Is someone sick? Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby. Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon. No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.

 Yes. My sister’s uterus came down with a baby. Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon. No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.

 Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon. No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.

 Oh, she’s pregnant? That’s great. You’re gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon. No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper. How come you never said she was pregnant? Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?

 No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper. How come you never said she was pregnant? Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?

 How come you never said she was pregnant? Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals?

 How come you never said she was pregnant? Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals? Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister. Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.

 Well, I never told you about my brother’s kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family’s genitals? Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister. Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.

 Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister. Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck.

 Well, congrats, and it’s nice you’re gonna be there for your sister. Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck. Wow, so, how long will you be gone? Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?

 Yes. I’m filling in for her husband who’s recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck. Wow, so, how long will you be gone? Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?

 Wow, so, how long will you be gone? Well, she’s due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows?

 Howdy. Hi. Hello. The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? 

 Hi. Hello. The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? 

 Hello. The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? 

 Hello. The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?  Yeah, kinda. That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.

 The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?  Yeah, kinda. That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best.

 Yeah, kinda. That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best. Hey, how’s your sister? <i>She went into labor an hour ago.

 That’s so thoughtful. You guys are the best. Hey, how’s your sister? <i>She went into labor an hour ago.

 Hey, how’s your sister? <i>She went into labor an hour ago. That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital? No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.

 <i>She went into labor an hour ago. That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital? No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.

 That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital? No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available.

 That’s wonderful. So you’re at the hospital? No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available. You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones. And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.

 No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn’t available. You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones. And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.

 You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones. And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip ‘n Slide.

 Me, too. The end. Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay? No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.

 The end. Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay? No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.

 Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay? No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things.

 Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay? No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things. Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look. Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.

 No, it’s not. I’ve seen things. Lady things. Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look. Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.

 Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look. Doesn’t matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It’s some kind of dirty magic show.

 My father’s a gynaecologist, I think I can handle it. And, now, I’m gay. You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him.  And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. We do?

 You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him.  And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. We do?

 And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. We do?

 And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. We do? Hey, Sheldon. Hello.

 Keep going.  More. So, what do you think? A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

 More. So, what do you think? A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

 So, what do you think? A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

 So, what do you think? A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about. Please, Sheldon. I need you. To what?

 A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about. Please, Sheldon. I need you. To what?

 Please, Sheldon. I need you. To what? To take me. I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

 To what? To take me. I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

 To take me. I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

 I think I know how to change your mind. That’s enough. Ew. I was okay with it.

 Ew. I was okay with it. How’s it going, Sheldon? Actually, much better.

 I was okay with it. How’s it going, Sheldon? Actually, much better.

 How’s it going, Sheldon? Actually, much better. Oh, good. Is the baby born yet? I don’t know. I just got back. 

 Actually, much better. Oh, good. Is the baby born yet? I don’t know. I just got back. 

 Oh, good. Is the baby born yet? I don’t know. I just got back. 

 You can say better. Sheldon can’t hear you. I don’t know. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.) I’ll stop now.

 I don’t know. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.) I’ll stop now.

 Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there’s tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.) I’ll stop now.

 How’s it going, Sheldon? That’s it. The baby’s here. It’s a boy. Aw. Yay.

 Aw. Yay. Congrats. Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.

 Yay. Congrats. Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.

 Congrats. Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this.

 Oh, thank you. I wasn’t sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this. Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there. Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life. Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.

 Well, good for you, buddy. We’ll let you get back in there. Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life. Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.

 Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life. Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly.

 Oh no, no, I’m not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life. Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly. Come on, Sheldon, you should go. Why?

 Aw, he’s already taking after Uncle Shelly. Come on, Sheldon, you should go. Why?

 Just really glad you’re back. Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on. I missed you. To quote Han Solo, I know.

 Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on. I missed you. To quote Han Solo, I know.

 I missed you. To quote Han Solo, I know. Did you miss me? I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.

 To quote Han Solo, I know. Did you miss me? I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.

 Did you miss me? I would’ve preferred to have you there with me.

 Did you miss me? I would’ve preferred to have you there with me. Oh. Or instead of me.

 I would’ve preferred to have you there with me. Oh. Or instead of me.

 What happened? I just got a part on a TV show. Congratulations. What? That’s great. Guys.

 I just got a part on a TV show. Congratulations. What? That’s great. Guys.

 Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue? I don’t see why not.  If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom. Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.

 I don’t see why not.  If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom. Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.

 If you’re really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom. Why is that funny? That’s just unhygienic.

 I don’t think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist. For example, uh, Wolowitz’s mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both. See? The twist is that people don’t usually change. Well, they don’t. Hey, guys, don’t forget, my episode’s on TV tomorrow night. We’ll be there. Can we bring anything?

 Hey, guys, don’t forget, my episode’s on TV tomorrow night. We’ll be there. Can we bring anything?

 Oh, that’s so sweet of you, but I was gonna steal food from here. You know, my treat. Wait, if Howard’s mother is coming, then you should also steal marbles. Because she’s obese, and hippos are obese, and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles. Maybe I need to dumb these down for you. 

 No. Do you? I think I’m hysterical. I take it back. That was funny. The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. 

 I think I’m hysterical. I take it back. That was funny. The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. 

 I take it back. That was funny. The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object. 

 I take it back. That was funny. The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object.  I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut. Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.

 The philosopher Henri Bergson says it’s funny when a human being behaves like an object.  I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut. Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.

 I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut. Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher.

 I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut. Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher. You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem. Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.

 Oh, he didn’t perform stand-up comedy, he was a philosopher. You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem. Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.

 You know, I think we’re zeroing in on your problem. Perhaps I’ll spend some time developing a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anyone at any time. Unless they’re German, ’cause that’s a tough crowd.

 Parsa doesn’t have those kind of resources. No, and that’s why he had Erin Pace rewire it… I’m so proud of you. We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.

 No, and that’s why he had Erin Pace rewire it… I’m so proud of you. We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet.

 I’m so proud of you. We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet. I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts. I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.

 We haven’t even gotten to my scene yet. I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts. I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.

 I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts. I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this.

 I know, but you’re going to be a TV star and you haven’t left me yet. That takes guts. I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this. Why? I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.

 I don’t know about you, but I’m very uncomfortable with all this. Why? I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.

 Why? I’ve never seen this show before and now I’m starting with episode 246? It’s unnatural.

 They must’ve cut it. Oh, Penny, I’m, I’m sorry.  That stinks. I’m sure you were great.

 Oh, Penny, I’m, I’m sorry.  That stinks. I’m sure you were great.

 Well, that makes sense. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions on their… BRAIN LESIONS! Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny. Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.

 BRAIN LESIONS! Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny. Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.

 Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn’t funny. Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.

 That depends. On any level, do you think she’s hot? We’ll find somebody else.

 I guess. Ointment? Sure. Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?

 Ointment? Sure. Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?

 Sure. Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?

 Sure. Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat? I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore. Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.

 Now, would you say ointment is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat? I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore. Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.

 I don’t think I want to go out with you anymore. Will you please stop joking around? I’m trying to figure this out.

 Did you seriously just say um? Look, you know I love you but, but you’re, you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost. Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me? That is not what I said.

 Look, you know I love you but, but you’re, you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost. Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me? That is not what I said.

 Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me? That is not what I said.

 Okay, so, so you don’t want to marry me? That is not what I said. No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table. Who’s in the mood to laugh?

 That is not what I said. No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table. Who’s in the mood to laugh?

 No, forget it. I take it back. Offer’s off the table. Who’s in the mood to laugh?

 Really not a good time. But I used science to construct the perfect joke. I’m gonna go. Penny, don’t.

 But I used science to construct the perfect joke. I’m gonna go. Penny, don’t.

 I’m gonna go. Penny, don’t. No, no, I just need to be alone. So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?

 Penny, don’t. No, no, I just need to be alone. So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?

 No, no, I just need to be alone. So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going?

 No, no, I just need to be alone. So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going? To my room. Should I follow you?

 So, a sandwich, a rabbi and yo mama walk into a bar. Where are you going? To my room. Should I follow you?

 No. Would you like to talk about it? Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes. Why not?

 Would you like to talk about it? Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes. Why not?

 Penny proposed, and I didn’t say yes. Why not? That’s a good question. Does that mean the relationship is over?

 Why not? That’s a good question. Does that mean the relationship is over?

 That’s a good question. Does that mean the relationship is over?

 That’s a good question. Does that mean the relationship is over? I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?

 Does that mean the relationship is over? I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?

 I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her? Because I’m afraid to know the answer. Well, I’m sorry.

 Why don’t you ask her? Because I’m afraid to know the answer. Well, I’m sorry.

 Because I’m afraid to know the answer. Well, I’m sorry. That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment? No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.

 Well, I’m sorry. That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment? No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.

 That’s it? You’re not gonna make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment? No. You’re my friend, and, I’m sorry.

 I know. The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it. You need to let it go, Sheldon. You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.

 The university, they think they can do whatever they want. We just have to sit there and take it. You need to let it go, Sheldon. You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.

 You need to let it go, Sheldon. You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get.

 You need to let it go, Sheldon. You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get. Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days. But I don’t want a vacation.

 You work tirelessly for someone, and this is what you get. Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days. But I don’t want a vacation.

 Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days. But I don’t want a vacation.

 Oh, my God, they’re just making you use your vacation days. But I don’t want a vacation. Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now. Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

 But I don’t want a vacation. Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now. Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

 Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now. Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

 Okay, listen, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but I’m a little distracted right now. Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days? It doesn’t. Thank you.

 Oh, this again? So, Penny proposed, you didn’t say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days? It doesn’t. Thank you.

 No. You’re on vacation. Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it? Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it? No. I was just tricking you.

 Please. What if there’s a big breakthrough in science today and I’m not there to see it? Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it? No. I was just tricking you.

 Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it? No. I was just tricking you.

 Do you really think there’s gonna be a breakthrough without you there to do it? No. I was just tricking you. Bye. Leonard, wait. Take me with you.

 No. I was just tricking you. Bye. Leonard, wait. Take me with you.

 And does Sheldon know you’re dating Sheldon? I’m sorry. Who are you dating? Yeah, knock it off, Howard.

 Oh. Hey, Sheldon. Hello. You okay? I’m on vacation. What do you think?

 You okay? I’m on vacation. What do you think? Why are you sitting in the stairwell? Leonard told me to stay.

 I’m on vacation. What do you think? Why are you sitting in the stairwell? Leonard told me to stay.

 Why are you sitting in the stairwell? Leonard told me to stay. Oh. Well, good boy. Where are you going?

 Leonard told me to stay. Oh. Well, good boy. Where are you going?

 Oh. Well, good boy. Where are you going? Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class. Well, have fun.

 Where are you going? Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class. Well, have fun.

 Oh, I have a ton of errands to run. I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents and sign up for a new acting class. Well, have fun.

 You got your job back. That is great news. I didn’t want to say anything, but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane. Yeah. I’m just returning my uniform. And I support you.

 Before we begin your guided meditation, close your eyes and picture yourself in a peaceful environment. Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider. Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out. Wow. Didn’t see that coming.

 Okay. I’m inside the CERN super collider. Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out. Wow. Didn’t see that coming.

 Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out. Wow. Didn’t see that coming.

 Now, take a deep, relaxing breath in through your nose. And let it out. Wow. Didn’t see that coming. In.  Let me guess.

 In.  Let me guess. And out. What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?

 Let me guess. And out. What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?

 And out. What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade?

 And out. What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade? I didn’t get it. A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.

 What was I gonna do? Two ins in a row? Where’s my lemonade? I didn’t get it. A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.

 I didn’t get it. A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time.

 I didn’t get it. A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time. Do you think quitting my job was a mistake? Do you see me drinking lemonade?

 A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress, to forget my order one last time. Do you think quitting my job was a mistake? Do you see me drinking lemonade?

 Do you think quitting my job was a mistake? Do you see me drinking lemonade?

 Do you think quitting my job was a mistake? Do you see me drinking lemonade? No. I’m serious. Why do you ask?

 Do you see me drinking lemonade? No. I’m serious. Why do you ask?

 No. I’m serious. Why do you ask? Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not? No, I don’t think you are. 

 Why do you ask? Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not? No, I don’t think you are. 

 Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not? No, I don’t think you are. 

 Because Leonard just pissed me off. Am I being an idiot or not? No, I don’t think you are.  Really? The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.

 No, I don’t think you are.  Really? The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.

 Really? The best way to achieve a goal is to devote 100% of your time and energy to it. When I decided I was going to be a physicist, I didn’t take some other job in case it didn’t work out. Which wasn’t easy because there was a lot of pressure from Ms. Pearson for me to be chalk monitor that year.

 Let’s go. So we tell him she’s a lesbian, right? Of course we tell him she’s a lesbian.

 So we tell him she’s a lesbian, right? Of course we tell him she’s a lesbian.

 Yeah, well, I don’t think we’re gonna get to do that today. Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze. Oh, hey. And now we go to Reverse Warrior.

 Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milk shake without getting brain freeze. Oh, hey. And now we go to Reverse Warrior.

 How did she get you to do yoga? Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda. I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me. Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.

 Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda. I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me. Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.

 I’m helping him relax because, unlike you, he supports me. Oh, how many times do I have to say it? I support you.

 Okay, if you support me, what was with that phone call? Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it? Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job? Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.

 Fine. I’m not sure you should have quit. But if you care so much what I think, why didn’t you ask me before you did it? Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job? Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.

 Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job? Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.

 Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in.

 Oh, so now I need your permission? Would you have asked me before you quit your job? Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in. Yeah, well, maybe we do. I’m willing to if you guys are.

 Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we’re actually in. Yeah, well, maybe we do. I’m willing to if you guys are.

 Yeah, well, maybe we do. I’m willing to if you guys are. Can we please have some privacy? Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

 I’m willing to if you guys are. Can we please have some privacy? Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

 Can we please have some privacy? Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?

 Y, No. I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it’s high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And, if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that? No. Penny? Okay, wait. What are we doing?

 Penny? Okay, wait. What are we doing? For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever. Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.

 Okay, wait. What are we doing? For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever. Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.

 For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever. Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.

 Good. Now we’re getting somewhere. Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot. Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.  I swear, I am on your side. 

 Look, I know you think I’m being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot. Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.  I swear, I am on your side. 

 Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her résumé, she is no longer 22.  I swear, I am on your side. 

 I swear, I am on your side.  You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it. He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it? Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.

 You keep saying you’re on my side, but you don’t act like it. He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it? Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.

 He does that to me, too. Why do we put up with it? Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.

 Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified.

 Listen, I could never do what you’re doing, okay? I would be terrified. Well, it’s scary for me, too. I’m fine with it. My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. 

 Well, it’s scary for me, too. I’m fine with it. My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. 

 I’m fine with it. My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. 

 My point is, just because I couldn’t do it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. And I’m proud of you. 

 Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-o-ow!

 What’s going on? Hey. We’re about to buy tickets for Comic-Con. Oh. T Minus 45 seconds.

 Hey. We’re about to buy tickets for Comic-Con. Oh. T Minus 45 seconds.

 They sell out incredibly fast, but as long as one of us gets in, we can buy passes… Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants. This is a whole lot of weird before coffee. T-minus 30 seconds.

 Good Lord, this is not the time for flirting, keep it in your pants. This is a whole lot of weird before coffee. T-minus 30 seconds.

 This is a whole lot of weird before coffee. T-minus 30 seconds.

 Every year. I told you, wear a diaper. And I told you I get diaper rash. 15 seconds. Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.

 And I told you I get diaper rash. 15 seconds. Well, this is it, this is it. This is it.

 15 seconds. Well, this is it, this is it. This is it. Five, four, three, two, one.  It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.

 Well, this is it, this is it. This is it. Five, four, three, two, one.  It’s live. Go, go, go, go, go.

 …thousand two hundred and eleven. Damn. Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left. Really?

 Damn. Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left. Really?

 Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left. Really? Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left. Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.

 Really? Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left. Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.

 Oh, Thursday’s gone. Just Sunday left. Oh, Sunday’s the worst. Everybody’s leaving, most of the good panels are over, and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.

 Sunday’s gone. Not Sunday, I love Sunday. So that’s it? Everything’s sold out? Yeah.

 Not Sunday, I love Sunday. So that’s it? Everything’s sold out? Yeah.

 So that’s it? Everything’s sold out? Yeah. I can’t believe we’re not going. It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.

 Yeah. I can’t believe we’re not going. It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.

 I can’t believe we’re not going. It’s okay. You know, there, there’s always WonderCon in Anaheim, you know? That, that’s just as good. Excuse me.

 Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem. We don’t need them. I’m starting my own convention. Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us. I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days. Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.

 Sheldon, just buy scalped tickets with us. I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days. Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.

 I told you. Buying scalped tickets is against the rules. If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life. Life, Leonard. You’re gonna feel pretty silly when we’re 80 years old, and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days. Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets.

 Do what you want. We’re getting scalped tickets. I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell. How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police? The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.

 I already found a guy online who’s willing to sell. How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police? The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.

 How do you know this isn’t a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police? The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.

 The same way I know that the people in the TV set can’t see me.

 Sheldon, just come with us. You’re not gonna make your own convention. You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn’t exist at all until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen. And you mark my words, I’m gonna rip that guy off.

 Did you tell them that you’re holding your convention at a Marie Callender’s, and that every panellist gets a free slice of pie? I didn’t even get to that part. Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time. Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.

 I didn’t even get to that part. Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time. Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.

 Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time. Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard.

 Look, even your friend Wil Wheaton thinks this is a waste of time. Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard. Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you. You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.

 Not true. Wil thinks this is a great idea. He was just concerned that he wasn’t a big enough celebrity to headline such an amazing event. Also, that’s the same day that he shampoos his beard. Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you. You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.

 Sheldon, buddy, I just don’t think this is going to come together for you. You don’t know that. I still have plenty of solid leads on this list.

 Hey, since Sheldon’s not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as. Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us. Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over. Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.

 Mmm, what if we go as The Fantastic Four, and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us. Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over. Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.

 Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over. Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.

 Oh, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don’t exist were over. Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention. Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape? I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.

 Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention. Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape? I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.

 Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape? I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader.

 I don’t think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King’s dad, and FYI, the guy who says, This is CNN. Which also sounds like Darth Vader. How are you gonna get James Earl Jones? Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and… And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.

 How are you gonna get James Earl Jones? Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and… And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.

 Simple. Earlier today, he tweeted that he’s looking forward to going to his favourite sushi restaurant for dinner. I googled an interview from four years ago which was conducted in his favourite sushi restaurant. That’s where he’ll be, and that’s where I’m going, and… And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.

 And that’s where Darth Vader’s gonna pour soy sauce on your head.

 Well, there’s a bar in the lobby. I could go for a drink. Aw. Drinking in the afternoon, just like her mommy.

 I could go for a drink. Aw. Drinking in the afternoon, just like her mommy.

 I thought you were a badass. I lied about the Pepto, I always use the little cup.

 It is true. Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing? They sure did. Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?

 Oh. Is it true they used scuba gear to create the sound of Darth Vader breathing? They sure did. Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?

 They sure did. Oh. Is it true that you were pre-med in college and you almost became a doctor?

 Hey, Los Angeles. I’m on a Ferris Wheel with Darth Vader. And he’s nicer than you think. I am.

 In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight… Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh… Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh. Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…

 Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh… Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh. Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…

 Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh. Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh…

 Bring it home, Mufasa. Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, um, um-a-weh. Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh… Outside a house. I don’t understand what we’re doing.

 Ah-wimoweh, ah-wimoweh… Outside a house. I don’t understand what we’re doing.

 Carrie Fisher. And she’s a little crazy, so get ready to run. (Rings doorbell) It’s not funny anymore, James. Then why am I laughing?

 Ah, Sheldon, this is the perfect end to a perfect night. Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke. What were you trying to ask me at the strip club? Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?

 Okay. But I think it could have ended with the karaoke. What were you trying to ask me at the strip club? Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?

 What were you trying to ask me at the strip club? Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap?

 What were you trying to ask me at the strip club? Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap? No. Something about a convention. Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.

 Oh. How much does it cost to get them off my lap? No. Something about a convention. Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.

 No. Something about a convention. Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.

 No. Something about a convention. Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist. Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me? Really?

 Oh, right. Well, my friends and I couldn’t get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist. Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me? Really?

 Why don’t you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me? Really?

 Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I’m taking you every night.  Ay-yi-yi.  Ay-yi-yi, bang-bang.

 Item 28, your pet name for me. Time’s running out on this. You need to make a decision. I submitted you a notarised list.  I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable. Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

 I submitted you a notarised list.  I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable. Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

 I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable. Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please.

 I’m sorry, but Gollum and Flakey are not acceptable. Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please. We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day. Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.

 Well, you don’t like Princess Corncob, you don’t like Fester, you’re just impossible to please. We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day. Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.

 We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day. Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey.

 We’ll come back to that one. This brings us to the final item in our annual State of the Relationship Summit. Item 29, Valentine’s Day. Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey. Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy. People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

 Ah, the worst for last. Hmm. Classic Flakey. Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy. People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

 Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy. People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one.

 Before you get upset, I believe I’ve come up with a way for us to celebrate the occasion that we both can enjoy. People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one. I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley. I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

 People usually start a meeting with a joke, but you go ahead, end with one. I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley. I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

 I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley. I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a.

 I propose we spend a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast in Napa Valley. I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a. Come on, Sheldon. Why not? For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

 I hate every word in that sentence. Including in, at, we and a. Come on, Sheldon. Why not? For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

 Come on, Sheldon. Why not? For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table.

 Come on, Sheldon. Why not? For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table. One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us. Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

 For starters, a bed-and-breakfast forces you to eat with strangers at your table. One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us. Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

 One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us. Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk.

 One step ahead of you, Bernadette and Wolowitz are going with us. Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk. I got you your own room.  What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?

 Oh, very well. What are the sleeping arrangements? We’ve only been dating for three years. If we were to share a room, people might talk. I got you your own room.  What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?

 I got you your own room.  What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?

 I got you your own room.  What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub? It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster. Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

 What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub? It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster. Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

 It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster. Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me.

 It doesn’t. I know it makes you feel like you’re bathing inside a monster. Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me. We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train. Vintage? Be specific.

 Look, I appreciate the effort, but I’m still unclear how this trip is supposed to be enjoyable for me. We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train. Vintage? Be specific.

 We’re going to have Valentine’s Day dinner on a fully functioning vintage train. Vintage? Be specific.

 No, I think we’re just gonna have a quiet weekend at home. Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs. That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on. Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

 Plus, I’m not sure it’s a great idea to take Penny to where wine comes from. What? It’s a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses, you might have a problem, it’s all for laughs. That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on. Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

 That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on. Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train?

 That would really piss me off if I didn’t have a buzz going on. Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train? I’m sorry, what? Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

 Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing for dinner on the train? I’m sorry, what? Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

 I’m sorry, what? Oh, I’m afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

 Yeah. Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room. Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.

 Thank you. Oh, and I’d like for at least one of us to see some action, so if you guys happen to have sex, it’s cool if she stays in the room. Hey, same goes for the two of you with Amy.

 That is the least sexy thing anyone’s ever said to me. To the bedroom. Yeah.

 Uh, I do. Uh, does this train car have the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food. Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.

 I’m sorry, I meant questions about the food. Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.

 Oh, of course. Um, is the seafood risotto being served on a train car with the original link-and-pin coupler or the Miller Hook and Platform? Uh, I think we’re gonna need a minute.

 Okay. There’s one not far from here. Come on. Let’s go. Okay. Koothrappali was right. We should have let her watch.

 Do another one, do another one. Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.  It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo. I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.

 Okay. Here’s my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the Eastern Corridor. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh. Wch-wch-wch-wch-shhhh.  It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo. I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.

 It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo. I’ve been on that train. And I just was again.

 It’s like there’s a train in your mouth. Howard: Oh, yeah. I’ve got one. Um, the Amtrak Wolverine coming into Chicago. Bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch, bwch-wch-wch-wch-wch-wch. Ooo-ooo. I’ve been on that train. And I just was again. See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud. How many trains have you been on?

 I’ve been on that train. And I just was again. See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud. How many trains have you been on?

 See if you guys can guess this one. Bang. Splat. Thud. How many trains have you been on?

 Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains. Why do I even try? I’m gonna fix this right now. Okay. Just make it look like an accident.

 Why do I even try? I’m gonna fix this right now. Okay. Just make it look like an accident.

 I’m gonna fix this right now. Okay. Just make it look like an accident.

 Well, she’s not throwing up, which is a good sign. So, I’m gonna take her in back, put her on fluids and give her something to absorb the toxins.  Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up. Got it. Should have been a dentist.

 Okay. Okay, thank you. Oh, if she’s scared, you can sing to her. She likes Katy Perry. Oh, but don’t do Firework, that gets her all riled up. Got it. Should have been a dentist.

 Okay, what was the best four-ten-four U.S. Locomotive ever built? Trick question. There never was one. Or was there?  What?

 What? In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four. In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?  A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

 In 1944, the Pacific Railroad built number 6131, which rearranged the drivers and cylinders, solving the problem of the Q-1, creating a duplex-drive four-four-six-four. In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?  A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

 In what world is a four-four-six-four a four-ten-four?  A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

 A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world.

 A world I don’t want to live in. Seriously, I no longer want to live in this world. Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made. I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy? Better than you think.

 Hold on to your conductor’s hat. You crank the second and third axles, creating a pair of internal connecting rods, and boom, four-ten-four. If you think about it, the Q-2 was like the four-ten-four America never made. I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy? Better than you think.

 I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy? Better than you think.

 I may never stop thinking about it. Amy, what are the odds we run into this guy? Better than you think. You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room. I never want this day to end.

 Better than you think. You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room. I never want this day to end.

 You know, if you ask nicely, they’ll let you visit the engine room. I never want this day to end.

 Sorry. Sorry. You guys missed a pretty great time.  The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. 

 Sorry. You guys missed a pretty great time.  The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. 

 You guys missed a pretty great time.  The conductor and I have the same pocket watch. 

 There’s a car with a glass roof. Want to go look at the stars? Oh, that sounds so romantic. Oh, give it a rest. Let’s go.

 Oh, give it a rest. Let’s go. Why are you still here? Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.

 Let’s go. Why are you still here? Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.

 Why are you still here? Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude.

 Why are you still here? Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude. I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening. How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

 Excuse me. I think you’re being a little rude. I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening. How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

 I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening. How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.

 I’m being rude? You’ve been rude to me this entire evening. How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train. I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it? I get it.

 How is that possible? I’ve hardly spoken to you since we got on the train. I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it? I get it.

 I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it? I get it.

 I’m detecting a little friction between you two, and I don’t want to be a third rail. Get it? I get it. Leave. What is your problem?

 Leave. What is your problem? It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

 What is your problem? It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

 It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me?

 It’s Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me? Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen. Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

 Oh, really? Because I remember you saying that this trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you mean that, or were you just trying to trick me? Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen. Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

 Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen. Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win.

 Fine, it’s true. I deserve romance, and I didn’t know how else to make it happen. Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win. Sheldon. Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.

 Well, if you want romance, then let’s have romance. Oh, look, there’s wine. Mmm. Grape juice that burns. Uh, now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes, hmm? You blinked. I win. Sheldon. Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic.

 Sheldon. Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic. That was nice. Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

 Let’s see. What’s next? Oh, kissing’s romantic. That was nice. Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

 That was nice. Good. Um, the conductor said if I come back to the engine room, he’d show me how to bring the train through a crossing.

 Oh, hey. You’re back. How was your trip? It was wonderful.  Great. What did you do? I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

 It was wonderful.  Great. What did you do? I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

 Great. What did you do? I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night.

 Great. What did you do? I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details. Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

 I made a new friend who likes trains as much as I do, uh, I kissed Amy on the lips, and, uh, the conductor played his banjo for me. Good night. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details. Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details. Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude.

 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I’m gonna need more details. Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude. No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you? Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.

 Oh, well, my new friend’s name was Eric. Um, Amy lips tasted like the brownie we had for dessert. Oh, and the banjo-playing conductor was missing a finger, but he made up for it with his can-do attitude. No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you? Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.

 No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you? Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite.

 No, hang on. Hang on. Are all those things equal to you? Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite. Well, give it a go. I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.

 Hmm. It never occurred to me to pick a favourite. Well, give it a go. I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.

 Well, give it a go. I can’t answer that without collecting additional data.

 Guys, you’re being childish. Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches. Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job. Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.

 Yeah, she’s right. You’re grown men, the kind who are perfectly capable of growing your own moo-staches. Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job. Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.

 Hey, you were funny on purpose, good job. Hi. Sorry I’m late, I was at an audition.

 Here, you can have your seat. No, no, no, stay there. I’m fine on the floor. Have you guys ever thought about getting a dining room table? Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.

 No, no, no, stay there. I’m fine on the floor. Have you guys ever thought about getting a dining room table? Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.

 Have you guys ever thought about getting a dining room table? Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there.

 Yeah. You actually do have room for one up there. Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA. No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table. I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.

 Oh, sure, I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl’s there ten seconds, and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA. No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table. I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.

 No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table. I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea.

 No one is running anywhere. We’re not getting a dining room table. I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea. Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table? Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

 I know you don’t like change, but it’s not a terrible idea. Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table? Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

 Yeah, you guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table? Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

 Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system, if the equations describing its behaviour are non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result. Translation? Waah. I don’t want a table.

 Hey, Penny and I are gonna go shop for a dining room table. You want to come with us? You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98. Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working? I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.

 You know, I’d love to, but, um, I’m too busy falling back in love with Windows 98. Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working? I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.

 Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working? I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install.

 Seriously? You haven’t used this desk in years. The second I want to get rid of it, you’re up here working? I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install. Are you really gonna sit here all day? Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.

 I can’t talk right now, I have several thousand updates to install. Are you really gonna sit here all day? Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.

 Are you really gonna sit here all day? Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home.

 Are you really gonna sit here all day? Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home. If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway. It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.

 Think of me as Arthur Dent in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, lying in front of the bulldozers to protect his home. If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway. It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.

 If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway. It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it.

 If you’ll recall, the Vogon fleet blew up the Earth anyway. It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it. I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it. You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.

 It’s a made-up story, Leonard, I don’t even know why you’re talking about it. I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it. You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.

 I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it. You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without.

 I’m putting all this stuff in storage. We don’t need any of it. You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without. Oh, hang on. Check your in-box. Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.

 You, how can you say that? You show me one thing in here we can live without. Oh, hang on. Check your in-box. Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.

 Oh, hang on. Check your in-box. Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument.

 Oh, hang on. Check your in-box. Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument. Huh? But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.

 Wait. Is this really worth it? We’ve lived together for years with nary an argument. Huh? But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.

 Huh? But we start talking about a table, and suddenly we’re at each other’s throats.

 Are you kidding? It was the greatest experience of my life. Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over. I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.

 Really? ‘Cause I kind of remember a lot of complaining and wishing for it to be over. I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.

 I think you have me confused with what’s gonna happen when you get out of that shower.

 Hey, all set. What do you think? There’s plenty of room for everybody, a view out the window. My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV. Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it. You’re absolutely right. Nope.

 My spot on the couch has a great view of a window. Sometimes I can see space battles through it. It’s called a TV. Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it. You’re absolutely right. Nope.

 Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it. You’re absolutely right. Nope.

 Give it a chance, Sheldon, you might actually like it. You’re absolutely right. Nope. Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot. So, when can we get rid of it?

 You’re absolutely right. Nope. Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot. So, when can we get rid of it?

 Well, you can’t say he didn’t give it a fair shot. So, when can we get rid of it?

 She’s right, a committee that important should meet more often. That’s not what I’m saying. Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life? Yes.

 That’s not what I’m saying. Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life? Yes.

 Oh. This is the thing about me standing up to him and not letting him run my life? Yes.

 Yes. That. Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you. Me?

 That. Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you. Me?

 Okay. I think we’ve found the problem here. It’s not the table at all. It’s you. Me?

 Well, it’s always me, take one for the team. I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals. Are you gonna let him talk to me like this? Fancy sounds like a compliment.

 I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will, and then you came along and reshaped him, with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals. Are you gonna let him talk to me like this? Fancy sounds like a compliment.

 Are you gonna let him talk to me like this? Fancy sounds like a compliment.

 Are you gonna let him talk to me like this? Fancy sounds like a compliment. Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you. That’s not true.

 Fancy sounds like a compliment. Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you. That’s not true.

 Okay, I have not tried to change Leonard. That’s just what happens in relationships. Look how much Amy’s changed you. That’s not true.

 That’s not true. Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train. She told you? Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.

 Oh, please. When I first met you, you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you’re holding hands, you’re going on dates, you even made out with her on a train. She told you? Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.

 She told you? Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.

 Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life.

 She told you? Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life. You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you. You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.

 Of course she told me, it’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to her in her entire life. You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you. You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.

 You’re too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you. You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality.

 You’re right. Without realizing it, I’ve allowed that woman to alter my personality. Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked. No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death. Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.

 Mm, Sheldon, you didn’t have a personality, you just had some shows you liked. No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death. Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.

 No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death. Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.

 Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince.

 No. No, I’ve changed. Like the frog who’s put in a pot of water that’s heated so gradually he doesn’t realize he’s boiling to death. Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince. Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog. Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.

 Or you’re the frog who’s been kissed by a princess and turned into a prince. Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog. Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.

 Or you’re just a tall, annoying frog. Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.

 Well, we should call her. Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.

 Yeah, mm-hmm. Amy, it’s Penny. Hey. Just a little heads-up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon’s breaking up with you.

 I’m not surprised you want to end the relationship. I’m a little surprised you didn’t get AppleCare. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign? At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this. Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t?

 At the bottom. I must say, I’m relieved you’re not making more of a scene out of this. Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t?

 Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t?

 Oh, I’ve already moved on. Besides, this breakup has nothing to do with me. It doesn’t? Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does. Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?

 It doesn’t? Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does. Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?

 Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does. Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me?

 Of course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He’s manipulating you like he always does. Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me? All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on? It is hideous.

 Wait, wait, now, hang on. You think he manipulates me? All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on? It is hideous.

 All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on? It is hideous.

 All the time. And he knew that, as your girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean, a table? Come on? It is hideous. Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey. Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?

 It is hideous. Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey. Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?

 Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey. Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?

 Well, thankfully, I won’t have to see it, ’cause I won’t be your girlfriend anymore. Amy Farrah Fowler. Why, yes, I would like to take a survey. Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table? Of course I was. Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?

 Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table? Of course I was. Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?

 Of course I was. Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now?

 Of course I was. Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now? I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it. How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?

 Wait. How do I know that you’re not manipulating me right now? I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it. How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?

 I think if I were manipulating you, you’d be smart enough to see it. How do I know you’re not saying that as part of the manipulation?

 Oh, hey. You guys didn’t break up. No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me. Which you also figured out by yourself. Which I also figured out by myself.

 No. Sorry to disappoint you, but Amy pointed out that you were only trying to manipulate me. Which you also figured out by yourself. Which I also figured out by myself.

 Which you also figured out by yourself. Which I also figured out by myself.

 Which you also figured out by yourself. Which I also figured out by myself. Well, I’m glad you’re still together. Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.

 Which I also figured out by myself. Well, I’m glad you’re still together. Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.

 Well, I’m glad you’re still together. Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship.

 Well, I’m glad you’re still together. Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship. Which is stronger than ever. Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.

 Yeah, okay, you can stop trying to make this about our relationship. Which is stronger than ever. Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.

 Which is stronger than ever. Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was.

 Which is stronger than ever. Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was. But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good. Um.

 Which is stronger than ever. This is about you trying to change my environment, which was perfect the way it was. But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good. Um.

 But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good. Um.

 But it got the way it was through change. The-the-the spot that you love to sit in, that no one else can sit in, only exists because, despite your objections. I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change was bad and this change was good. Um. You don’t need to explain yourself to him. I don’t need to explain myself to you!

 Um. You don’t need to explain yourself to him. I don’t need to explain myself to you!

 You don’t need to explain yourself to him. I don’t need to explain myself to you!

 You know, my aunt changed her diet, and in a few months, she… Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one. Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us? Yeah, it’s fun up here.

 Went to space? I don’t think so. Now, pass the soy sauce. Hey, not the green one, the red one. Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us? Yeah, it’s fun up here.

 Sheldon, Amy, will you please come join us? Yeah, it’s fun up here.

 Rajesh? Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here. Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you. Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.

 Screw that! I sat on the floor for seven years. I’m staying right here. Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you. Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.

 Come on, Raj, it’s not the same without you. Fine. But no more making fun of how I say tings.

 Thank you. That was the closest I’ve come to sex in, like, two years. Now I feel a little gross. You’re only making it seem more real for me. Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.

 Now I feel a little gross. You’re only making it seem more real for me. Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.

 You’re only making it seem more real for me. Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.

 Hey, that’s my wife. If anyone’s gonna make her feel gross about sex, it’s me.

 Can I borrow it when you’re done? Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week. Why would you do that? Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

 Well, I’ll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week. Why would you do that? Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

 Why would you do that? Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

 Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

 Why would you do that? Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in. Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. She does. 42 minutes in.

 Because it was crap. It’s a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie I was in. Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. She does. 42 minutes in.

 Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. She does. 42 minutes in.

 Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that. She does. 42 minutes in. While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters. I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.

 She does. 42 minutes in. While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters. I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.

 While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters. I have an eidetic memory. I don’t know what his problem is.

 Well, but don’t a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies? Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!” If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

 Okay, I don’t think Meryl Streep ever had to say “Must keep gorilla hands from killing again!” If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

 If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

 I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing.

 If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong. I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I think we’re gonna go. Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.

 I don’t know anything about show business, so if you think it’s reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I think we’re gonna go. Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.

 I think we’re gonna go. Are you sure? We were making fun of failed careers. We didn’t get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard’s.

 Yes, and Hawkeye’s in the Avengers, but no one ever says help, Hawkeye. Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband? Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. I think we’re gonna go.

 Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband? Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. I think we’re gonna go.

 Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. I think we’re gonna go.

 Oh, I’m sure he does it out of love. The same way my boyfriend makes me feel terrible about my life choices. I think we’re gonna go. No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight. Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.

 I think we’re gonna go. No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight. Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.

 No, no, no. This is not a fight. I was just excited that someone offered you a part and a little surprised that you’d rather sit at home and do nothing than take it. Now it’s a fight. Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it.

 Well, with that sorted out, I’m happy to answer your question, Bernadette. Howard started it. I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here. I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman. Ha-a-a. Still funny.

 I didn’t do anything. I was just sitting here. I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman. Ha-a-a. Still funny.

 I wasn’t referring to this evening. Ten years ago, upon first seeing me, your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee-wee Herman. And he called me C-3P-wee Herman. Ha-a-a. Still funny.

 That was ten years ago. Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over. Really? The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.

 Nine years, 11 months and three weeks ago, he followed that up by replacing the slides for my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over. Really? The lecture was on cosmic gas clouds. That’s funny.

 Then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now. What? You’ve kissed, like, once in three years. That’s true. Do whatever you want.

 What? You’ve kissed, like, once in three years. That’s true. Do whatever you want.

 Hey. Hello. Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.

 Hello. Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.

 Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much.

 Listen, I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends. Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much. Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off. Very well. How do you propose we move forward?

 Really? I was thinking what we have now is a bit much. Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off. Very well. How do you propose we move forward?

 Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off. Very well. How do you propose we move forward?

 Seriously, I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points. You and I have known each other a long time, and I didn’t hear the rest ’cause she took her bra off. Very well. How do you propose we move forward? Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.

 Very well. How do you propose we move forward? Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.

 Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it.

 Uh, for starters, we could stop insulting each other. That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it. Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre. I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?

 That’s a great idea. And in the spirit of our new arrangement, I will mask my surprise that you came up with it. Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre. I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?

 Anyway, I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend. They gave me two tickets. Bernadette can’t go. You want to come with me? You can visit your mom, and I’ll show you around the space centre. I have one question. Is this a prank where we land in Houston and you’ve made up wanted posters that have my face with a moustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to South America?

 Well, what would I say to her? Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.

 Just tell her what I’m really like. And, if you think it’ll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar. Use your own words.

 Oh, it’s no problem. Is everything okay? Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America. Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good. Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?

 Oh, I’m fine. It’s just some, uh, stomach medication for my trip. There’s the remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America. Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good. Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?

 Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good. Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?

 Remember the old days when I would’ve said something dumb like why? Uh, that doesn’t sound good. Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on? Yes. Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…

 Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on? Yes. Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…

 Yes. Well, get ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny, your check engine…

 Yeah, I know it’s on, Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot afford this right now. Maybe it’s just something minor. Ooh, good news, the light just went out.

 I don’t know what to do. My car threw a rod and it’s totaled. I can’t afford a new one, I have no job, and now I can’t drive to auditions. I’m so sorry. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie? I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her. At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.

 I’m so sorry. I know it’s a sensitive subject, but can you reconsider that part in the movie? I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her. At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.

 I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her. At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.

 At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go.

 I did. I called them. The part’s gone. They gave it to someone else. Now that girl’s gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on a cheap monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her. At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go. How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life. Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.

 At least they talked about you on Letterman. Come on, I can drive you wherever you need to go. How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life. Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.

 How? Unlike me, you have a job. I’m just gonna have to go back to being a waitress, like I will be for the rest of my life. Leonard, would you wrap it up? We’re waiting on you.

 Oh, he’s not coming out until he sees proof you don’t have an air freshener in your car. This is gonna be a long weekend for you. You’re the reason I’m doing it. I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

 This is gonna be a long weekend for you. You’re the reason I’m doing it. I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

 You’re the reason I’m doing it. I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

 I said to stop insulting each other. I didn’t tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.

 How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise-cancelling breasts. Hello. Hi. Hey, buddy.

 You excited for Texas? Oh, very much so. It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut. Oh, who’s the real astronaut?

 Oh, very much so. It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut. Oh, who’s the real astronaut?

 It’s not every day you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut. Oh, who’s the real astronaut?

 What now? I have to go to the bathroom. You just went to the bathroom. But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.

 I have to go to the bathroom. You just went to the bathroom. But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.

 You just went to the bathroom. But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt.

 You just went to the bathroom. But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt. Well, it still doesn’t. I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

 But I didn’t use it because it didn’t seem safe. Despite all my e-mails, the toilet didn’t have a seatbelt. Well, it still doesn’t. I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

 Well, it still doesn’t. I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

 Well, it still doesn’t. I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago. Fine. Why are you getting annoyed?

 I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago. Fine. Why are you getting annoyed?

 Fine. Why are you getting annoyed? I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things. Like when?

 Why are you getting annoyed? I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things. Like when?

 I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things. Like when?

 I’m trying to be a better friend, but you constantly say and do irritating things. Like when? When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous. Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

 Like when? When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous. Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

 When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous. Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me.

 When? How about in the car? I’m an astronaut, and you know it. You just don’t like admitting it, because you’re jealous. Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me. Thank you. Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?

 Well, truth be told, as a child, I did dream of going to space. Those astronauts were my heroes. And when you got to go, it was hard for me. Thank you. Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?

 Thank you. Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out?

 Thank you. Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out? No. But I still need to use the bathroom.

 Because it made me realize they’ll just send anyone up there. Aren’t you going to let me out? No. But I still need to use the bathroom.

 No. But I still need to use the bathroom. Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence? No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.

 But I still need to use the bathroom. Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence? No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.

 Here you go. Be creative. What’s the matter? Scared of a little turbulence? No, turbulence is just the equalization of diurnal temperature variations in the atmosphere. I’m not scared at all. Oh, apple juice, stay where you are.

 You know, I think I’m just gonna go by myself. Not my best first date. Yeah, but not my worst, either.

 If you weren’t my friend, there’d be a hole in my life. Thank you, Sheldon. Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big. The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.

 Thank you, Sheldon. Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big. The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.

 Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big. The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.

 The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin.

 Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big. The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin. It’s over. Yeah.

 The captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. You’re now free to move about the cabin. It’s over. Yeah.

 What do you care? You’re dead. Suit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.

 Thank you for not making fun of me during my speech. It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz? We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something. I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.

 It wasn’t easy. Was it Buzz? We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something. I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.

 We can’t show up to your mom’s empty-handed. We should bring something. I already am. I’m bringing the gift of knowledge.

 Does the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison? Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier? I’m gonna need another clue.

 Oh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier? I’m gonna need another clue.

 Okay, give me the flowers and pie. But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you. They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough. Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

 But if we show up and you’re holding them, she’ll think they’re only from you. They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough. Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

 They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough. Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now.

 They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough. Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now. What’s wrong? Nothing.

 Yes, but now that I’ve seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there’s no going back. Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on her face. We’re leaving right now. What’s wrong? Nothing.

 Nothing. What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on. I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

 What? Sheldon, tell me what’s going on. I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

 You ready to talk about it? I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone? Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming? No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

 I’m not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see your mother ravaging someone? Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming? No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

 Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming? No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?

 Does a brisket count? I’m sorry, buddy, that’s rough. But didn’t she know we were coming? No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this? Well, did she see you in the window? No.

 No. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this? Well, did she see you in the window? No.

 Well, did she see you in the window? No. Then don’t say anything. I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

 No. Then don’t say anything. I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

 Then don’t say anything. I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her?

 Then don’t say anything. I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her? Well, don’t do it on the phone. No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

 I have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don’t tell her how disappointed I am, and that I’ll never forgive her? Well, don’t do it on the phone. No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

 Well, don’t do it on the phone. No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.

 Well, don’t do it on the phone. No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho. That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off. Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.

 No, I’m just going to tell her I’m coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho. That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off. Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.

 That’s some tough talk, I may need to cut you off. Yeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.

 Great. Really? You think I’m putting this body through three kids?

 Good luck. You, aren’t you gonna come with me? While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps. (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

 You, aren’t you gonna come with me? While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps. (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

 While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps. (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother?

 While you confront your mother about her sex life? I’d rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps. (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here. I saw you having naked sex.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? (Knock, knock, knock) Mother? Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here. I saw you having naked sex.

 Shelly, I’m so glad you’re here. I saw you having naked sex. What are you talking about? Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

 I saw you having naked sex. What are you talking about? Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

 What are you talking about? Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.

 What are you talking about? Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man. Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?

 Earlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man. Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?

 Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on?

 Oh, Shelly, I’m so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this. Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on? That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions. Who was he?

 Can you recommend a surface you haven’t had coitus on? That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions. Who was he?

 That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions. Who was he?

 That’s not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I’m sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions. Who was he? His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group. How long have you been involved with him?

 Who was he? His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group. How long have you been involved with him?

 His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group. How long have you been involved with him?

 His name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group. How long have you been involved with him? A few months. And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

 How long have you been involved with him? A few months. And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

 A few months. And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

 A few months. And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert? That is no way to speak to your mother. Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

 And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert? That is no way to speak to your mother. Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

 That is no way to speak to your mother. Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas.

 That is no way to speak to your mother. Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas. I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize. Or what?

 Perhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen’s finest sofas. I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize. Or what?

 I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize. Or what?

 I will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize. Or what? Or I will send you to your room. That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

 Or what? Or I will send you to your room. That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

 Or I will send you to your room. That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.

 Or I will send you to your room. That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground. Go to your room. But I occupy the moral high ground.

 That’s ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground. Go to your room. But I occupy the moral high ground.

 Go to your room. But I occupy the moral high ground. Go to your room. But I’m a professional scientist.

 But I occupy the moral high ground. Go to your room. But I’m a professional scientist.

 Aw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you. Oh, come on. Penny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses.

 Hey, can I come in? Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car. That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom. No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.

 Apparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car. That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom. No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.

 That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom. No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this.

 That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn’t go smoothly with your mom. No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this. You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself. Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

 No. I’m not sure how we’re going to get past this. You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself. Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

 You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself. Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.

 You know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself. Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe. I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left. I didn’t know she did.

 Howard, we’ve all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe. I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left. I didn’t know she did.

 I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left. I didn’t know she did.

 I’m talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left. I didn’t know she did. Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it. What did you do?

 I didn’t know she did. Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it. What did you do?

 Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it. What did you do?

 Yeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it. What did you do? Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why. I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

 What did you do? Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why. I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

 Well, let’s just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she’s basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why. I’m sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

 You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel. And the healing begins.

 Hello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults? I am. Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you. I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

 I am. Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you. I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

 Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you. I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life?

 Shelly, I’m sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you. I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life? You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days. Then why are you doing it?

 I think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn’t this contradict all the religious rules you’ve been espousing your whole life? You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days. Then why are you doing it?

 You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days. Then why are you doing it?

 You’re right, it does, and it’s something that I’m struggling with these days. Then why are you doing it? Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is. Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

 Then why are you doing it? Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is. Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

 Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is. Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.

 Because I’m not perfect, Shelly. And that man’s booty is. Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance. That is very Christian of you. Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

 Well, this is confusing for me. But I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I’ll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance. That is very Christian of you. Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

 That is very Christian of you. Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.

 That is very Christian of you. Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore. How old do you think I am? My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

 Mother, if you’re going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it’s not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore. How old do you think I am? My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

 How old do you think I am? My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex.

 How old do you think I am? My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex. Are you having the sex talk with me? Well, someone has to.

 My point is that you’re going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you’re going to need a stronger friend named latex. Are you having the sex talk with me? Well, someone has to.

 If only there were a solution to that. Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis. So go to the bathroom. I can’t.

 Seriously. I feel like I’ve got a fish tank in my pelvis. So go to the bathroom. I can’t.

 So go to the bathroom. I can’t. Why not? Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?

 I can’t. Why not? Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?

 Why not? Because I’m trying to decide between getting an Xbox One or a PS4. Oh, pee, why’d I say that?

 Hi. Hey. Oh, how’d the audition go? I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot. Oh, that’s great.

 Hey. Oh, how’d the audition go? I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot. Oh, that’s great.

 I killed it. I was even able to cry real tears right on the spot. Oh, that’s great.

 All right, here’s your chance. Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.

 Ah, really? Thank you. Fate has given me a rare second chance, and I swear to Vishnu I’m not gonna blow it. Or normal words followed by a charming smile.

 Can you get the butter, please? You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard. Then get the other one. Pass the butter. Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.

 You know, however, with the Xbox One, I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands. Up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard. Then get the other one. Pass the butter. Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.

 Then get the other one. Pass the butter. Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously.

 Then get the other one. Pass the butter. Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously. Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention. Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.

 Get? Hang on. I don’t feel like you’re taking this dilemma seriously. Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention. Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.

 Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention. Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking.

 Fine, Sheldon. You have my undivided attention. Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking. No way. Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.

 Okay, now, the PS4 is more angular and sleek-looking. No way. Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.

 No way. Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating.

 No way. Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating. Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat. No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.

 Yeah, well, it’s true. But the larger size of the Xbox One may keep it from overheating. Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat. No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.

 Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat. No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included.

 Well, you wouldn’t want your gaming system to overheat. No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included. Included? Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.

 No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, the Xbox One now comes with a Kinect included. Included? Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.

 Included? Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory.

 Included? Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory. Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts? See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.

 Yes. Not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR5 RAM, while the Xbox One is still using the conventional DDR3 memory. Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts? See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.

 Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts? See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer.

 Why would they still be using DDR3? Are they nuts? See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer. Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they? Xbox.

 See? That’s what I thought. But then they go and throw in an ESRAM buffer. Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Who’s they? Xbox.

 You’re welcome. Good night. Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something? Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?

 Good night. Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something? Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?

 Uh, it’s date night. Aren’t you, uh, forgetting something? Oh, of course. (They kiss) Did I mention the PS4 controllers light up?

 Okay. Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way. Oh, that’s sad. It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion. Wow.

 Oh, that’s sad. It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion. Wow.

 It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion. Wow.

 It is. But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion. Wow. Okay, that’s enough. Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?

 Okay, that’s enough. Quick poll, PS4 or Xbox One? Raj? Uh, Xbox One. Penny?

 I’m proud of you, Sheldon. You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice. Well, that’s got to be a good feeling. Oh, it is. Although.

 You know, I’m proud of me, too. I’ve done all my research, I conducted an informal poll, and I’ve arrived at the rock-solid certainty I’ve made the right choice. Well, that’s got to be a good feeling. Oh, it is. Although.

 Well, that’s got to be a good feeling. Oh, it is. Although. Oh, crap. I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.

 Oh, it is. Although. Oh, crap. I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.

 Oh, crap. I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS.

 Oh, crap. I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS. You were just a little kid. Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.

 I had the same feeling when I made my dad buy a Betamax instead of a VHS. You were just a little kid. Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.

 You were just a little kid. Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray.

 You were just a little kid. Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray. How old were you then? Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.

 Yeah, a little kid who picked the wrong format to record The MacNeil/Lehrer Report. Now I also was certain that HD DVD would win out over Blu-ray. How old were you then? Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.

 How old were you then? Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune.

 How old were you then? Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune. What’s a Zune? Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.

 Old enough to know better. You know, and now that I think about it, I stood in front of a case of iPods and I bought a Zune. What’s a Zune? Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.

 What’s a Zune? Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox.

 What’s a Zune? Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox. No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research. But what if I’m wrong?

 Yeah, exactly. It’s an MP3 player brought to us by the makers of Xbox. No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research. But what if I’m wrong?

 No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research. But what if I’m wrong?

 No, what are you doing? No, no, pick that back up. You know it’s good. You did the research. But what if I’m wrong? You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both? You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.

 But what if I’m wrong? You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both? You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.

 You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both? You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre.

 You know what? How about I buy it for you? How about I buy you both? You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre. Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre. Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?

 You know I only have one slot available in my entertainment centre. Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre. Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?

 Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre. Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one?

 Then I’ll buy you a new entertainment centre. Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one? How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome. Interesting.

 Well, yeah, okay, sure. But which one? How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome. Interesting.

 How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome. Interesting.

 How about this? I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel. Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome. Interesting. So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One. All right, I’ll try.

 Interesting. So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One. All right, I’ll try.

 Really? Because I’m dating two women is basically the only cool thing I can say about myself.

 I can’t feel my legs. Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago. But I haven’t decided yet. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.

 Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago. But I haven’t decided yet. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.

 But I haven’t decided yet. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.

 But I haven’t decided yet. You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed. Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat. Okay.

 You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed. Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat. Okay.

 Let’s get you some food. You, You’ll feel better after you eat. Okay.

 I got to tell you, the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery, the more excited I get. I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star. Only without the sex. Yeah, literally, none of it.

 I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star. Only without the sex. Yeah, literally, none of it.

 Only without the sex. Yeah, literally, none of it. What do you think about it, Sheldon? Meh.

 Yeah, literally, none of it. What do you think about it, Sheldon? Meh.

 What do you think about it, Sheldon? Meh. Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this? Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

 Meh. Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this? Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

 Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this? Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns?

 Are you kidding me? This may be the biggest scientific breakthrough of our lifetime. How can you, as a theoretical physicist, not care about this? Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns? Oh, my God, you’re jealous. Why would I be jealous?

 Maybe it’s because I’m not an elitist. What I’d like to know is, how does this gravity wave breakthrough help the man on the street? You know? Who’s looking out for Joe six-pack and all his quantum physics concerns? Oh, my God, you’re jealous. Why would I be jealous?

 Oh, my God, you’re jealous. Why would I be jealous? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started. Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

 Why would I be jealous? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started. Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started. Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television.

 Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the origin of the universe just got proven, the Higgs field just got proven, and you’ve been working on string theory for the last 20 years and you’re no closer to proving it than when you started. Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television. Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider. Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

 Yeah, well, I’ve had a lot on my plate. We happen to live in a golden age of television. Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider. Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

 Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider. Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?

 Excuse me, fewwas. Sowwy for eavesdwopping, but there actually was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider. Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry? No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything. Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.

 Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry? No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything. Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.

 No, but they did find evidence that you’ll bewieve anything. Why would you do that? You’re a string theorist as well.

 Incowwect. I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I’m gonna pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads. Water. Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven? Maybe. But how great is Game of Thrones?

 Do you think he’s right? Am I wasting my life on a theory that can never be proven? Maybe. But how great is Game of Thrones?

 Hey, you’re up early. I couldn’t sleep. I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea. No, that’s not it.

 I couldn’t sleep. I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea. No, that’s not it.

 I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea. No, that’s not it.

 I told you those Walking Dead pillowcases were a bad idea. No, that’s not it. Is something bothering you? Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.

 No, that’s not it. Is something bothering you? Yes, but you wouldn’t understand.

 Is something bothering you? Yes, but you wouldn’t understand. Oh, come on, try me. All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

 Yes, but you wouldn’t understand. Oh, come on, try me. All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

 Oh, come on, try me. All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool.

 Oh, come on, try me. All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool. Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it. You mean your acting career?

 All right. I’ve devoted the prime of my life to string theory and its quest for the compactification of extra dimensions. I’ve got nothing to show for it, and I feel like a fool. Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it. You mean your acting career?

 Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it. You mean your acting career?

 Okay. I get it. I mean, not all the jibberjabber in the middle, but I know what it’s like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it. You mean your acting career? No. Your relationship with Leonard?

 You mean your acting career? No. Your relationship with Leonard?

 No. Your relationship with Leonard? No. Your failed attempt to go back to college?

 Your relationship with Leonard? No. Your failed attempt to go back to college?

 No. Your failed attempt to go back to college? No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want. I said Leonard, you said no.

 Your failed attempt to go back to college? No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want. I said Leonard, you said no.

 No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want. I said Leonard, you said no.

 No. I’m saying you and string theory sound like a relationship, and I know what it’s like to be in one and realize it’s never gonna turn out the way you want. I said Leonard, you said no. I’m talking about other guys. Okay. Well, what do you do?

 I said Leonard, you said no. I’m talking about other guys. Okay. Well, what do you do?

 Okay. Well, what do you do? You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away. I don’t know if I can do that. I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.

 You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know? Break it off, shake hands, walk away. I don’t know if I can do that. I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.

 I don’t know if I can do that. I know it’s hard, honey, but in the end, that’s how you grow.

 Women. Who knows what’ll set ’em off? At least now I can focus all my energies on just one girl. I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible. Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.

 At least now I can focus all my energies on just one girl. I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible. Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.

 I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible. Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere.

 I hope I get to meet her as soon as possible. Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere. She is. But I like that attitude. Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

 Why the rush? She isn’t going anywhere. She is. But I like that attitude. Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

 She is. But I like that attitude. Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books?

 She is. But I like that attitude. Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books? You’re really going to do this? I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

 Gentlemen, is anybody interested in my old string theory books? You’re really going to do this? I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

 You’re really going to do this? I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.

 You’re really going to do this? I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship. You’re reading Cosmo? Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

 I am. Yeah, Penny pointed out that what I’m going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship. You’re reading Cosmo? Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

 You’re reading Cosmo? Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.

 You’re reading Cosmo? Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas. What’s this? Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.

 Yes. As it turns out, there’s an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue. Anyway, it suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas. What’s this? Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.

 What’s this? Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface.

 What’s this? Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface. Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship? It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

 Oh, that’s just a doodle of a hyperelliptic Riemann surface. Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship? It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

 Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that the basis of your postdoc fellowship? It was. This seemed so elegant at the time, but now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

 No jokes about the year I took ballet. You took ballet? God, you never listen.

 The magazine articles suggest that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look. What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll? Oh my God, I do look like that. You stop it.

 What about your old look, well-groomed ventriloquist doll? Oh my God, I do look like that. You stop it.

 You stop it. So, how do you want me to cut it? Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla? So, business in the front, science in the back.

 So, how do you want me to cut it? Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla? So, business in the front, science in the back.

 Oh, how about Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla? So, business in the front, science in the back.

 So, business in the front, science in the back. Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little. Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS. Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

 Or I don’t cut it and maybe just style it a little. Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS. Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

 Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS. Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

 Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him?

 Oh, I’m in your hands. Do a good job and I’ll tell you Cosmo’s ten dynamite tips to enjoy your PMS. Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him? That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue? Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

 Can you keep him quiet? Maybe jangle some keys in front of him? That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue? Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

 That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue? Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter.

 That doesn’t work any more. He just thinks I’m taking him to the doctor. So, now that you’re no longer invested in string theory, what are you gonna pursue? Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter. Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it. Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.

 Oh, there are so many exciting areas. Black holes, dark matter. Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it. Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.

 Oh, Leonard was telling me about dark matter, but I didn’t really understand it. Don’t feel bad. Neither does he.

 Okay, what do you think? Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla? It actually looks good, Sheldon. Doesn’t it?

 Have you ever even seen a picture of Tesla? It actually looks good, Sheldon. Doesn’t it?

 Yeah. I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one. Sorry I’m late. What did you do? I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?

 I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band. Of course, I’d be the dreamy one and the smart one. Sorry I’m late. What did you do? I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?

 Sorry I’m late. What did you do? I gave him a new look. It’s cute, huh?

 That must be it. Since when do you go to spin class? Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?

 Since when do you go to spin class? Wow. Now who doesn’t listen?

 Sheldon, your food’s getting cold. What are you doing? Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas? Wait. What’s wrong with geology? Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

 Oh, looking through my textbooks for a new field of inquiry. Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children’s party while I was in Texas? Wait. What’s wrong with geology? Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

 Wait. What’s wrong with geology? Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

 Have you considered studying standard model physics? You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear? Like you could get a brown bear. Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.

 You want me to give up string theory for something that’s less advanced? You know, why don’t you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear? Like you could get a brown bear. Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.

 Like you could get a brown bear. Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know.

 Like you could get a brown bear. Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know. Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements. Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

 Hey, I’ve got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don’t know. Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements. Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

 Maybe you could make your new field of study the calculation of nuclear matrix elements. Oh, please. If I wanted to take up a fad, I’d get a tramp stamp.

 Who’s the duchess? One of the people that lives in his head. I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me. Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.

 One of the people that lives in his head. I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me. Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.

 I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me. Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend.

 I hope he’s this distraught if he ever breaks up with me. Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend. Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you. That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

 Well, if he does, I’ll see if my bear has a friend. Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you. That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

 Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you. That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.

 Sheldon, have you ever considered not rushing into something new? I mean, why don’t you take your time, enjoy your freedom? Maybe something new to study will find you. That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day. How does that happen? A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

 That’s actually not bad advice. You know, I didn’t seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day. How does that happen? A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

 How does that happen? A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

 Yeah, yeah, I get it. Howie. Well, hey, it’s not like cotton candy comes out of you.

 How you feeling? Not so good. Are you gonna introduce me to your friend? It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.

 Not so good. Are you gonna introduce me to your friend? It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.

 Are you gonna introduce me to your friend? It’s not my friend. Nothing happened.

 Are you gonna introduce me to your friend? It’s not my friend. Nothing happened. I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night. Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?

 It’s not my friend. Nothing happened. I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night. Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?

 I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night. Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy?

 I don’t know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night. Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy? After she put you to bed, she went home. Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.

 Oh, dear Lord. Where’s Amy? After she put you to bed, she went home. Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.

 After she put you to bed, she went home. Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh, no.

 Hawkman. It’s your old buddy Sheldonoscopy. How come you didn’t pick up the phone? Oh, right. My bad.

 You’re awful quiet. Everything okay? Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening. Ugh. Me, too. What happened? I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

 Not really. I had a bit of an embarrassing evening. Ugh. Me, too. What happened? I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

 Ugh. Me, too. What happened? I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking.

 Ugh. Me, too. What happened? I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking. I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour. Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?

 I drank alcohol and may have left an unfortunate voice mail for Stephen Hawking. I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour. Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?

 I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got a pretty good sense of humour. Oh, I hope so. What happened to you last night?

 Oh, well, turns out I’d already met the girl Raj is seeing when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two. Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass. Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic. Get out of here, Barry.

 Well, you know, I’ve always been a fan of a story told by Attar of Nishapur, about a king who assembled a group of wise men to create a ring that would make him happy when he was sad. And that ring was inscribed with the phrase, this too shall pass. Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic. Get out of here, Barry.

 Hey, Cooper. I heard you dwunk-dialed Stephen Hawking last night? Classic. Get out of here, Barry.

 So, we’re about to shoot this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body. Okay. But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape. It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.

 Okay. But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape. It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.

 But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape. It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story.

 But I realize they’re gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I asked the director why and he says, it’s important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape. It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story. Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there. Leonard, I could use your assistance.

 It’s sweet that he thinks there’s a story. Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there. Leonard, I could use your assistance.

 Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there. Leonard, I could use your assistance.

 Oh, and there’s not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there. Leonard, I could use your assistance. Sure. What’s up? Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?

 Leonard, I could use your assistance. Sure. What’s up? Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?

 Sure. What’s up? Well, now that I’ve given up string theory, I’m struggling to find my next area of focus. So, in your professional opinion, which of these areas do you think is the most promising?

 Huh, well, I think there’s some really innovative stuff going on in dark matter. That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas… Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend? Thank you.

 That’s helpful. Okay. Of these four areas… Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend? Thank you.

 Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend? Thank you.

 ‘Cause you’re trying too hard. You need to do something else, get your mind off it. Hey. How about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays? Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that? You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.

 Hey. How about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays? Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that? You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.

 Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that? You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.

 Hey, that’s good. Why’d you guys stop doing that? You made fun of us. Said it was stupid. Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say? All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 You made fun of us. Said it was stupid. Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say? All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 Yeah. Sounds like me. Come on, Sheldon. What do you say? All right. I officially reinstate Anything Can Happen Thursday.

 I’m starting to remember the problem with Anything Can Happen Thursdays.

 Hmm, what can we do that’s fun? What can we do that’s different? What can we do that’s free? Oh, got it. We order a pizza.

 What can we do that’s different? What can we do that’s free? Oh, got it. We order a pizza.

 Oh, got it. We order a pizza. Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder. You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings. Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.

 Are you kidding? That’s what you always do. Think harder. You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings. Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.

 You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings. Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea.

 You’re right. You’re right. Got it. We order calzones, cut them open, eat them like pizza. All right, all right, I’ll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out. Got it. There’s a live-action role-playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith Park and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings. Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea. You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant. Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?

 Uh, tell me more about this calzone idea. You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant. Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?

 You know what? Why don’t we just ease into this. Let, let’s go for a walk and, and, and see if we find a new restaurant. Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park?

 Any chance that restaurant is near Griffith Park? No. All right. Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?

 No. All right. Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?

 All right. Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?

 Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?

 All right. Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come? No. Bernadette’s working late. Amy’s sick.

 Raj and Howard are at Howard’s mom’s, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come? No. Bernadette’s working late. Amy’s sick.

 No. Bernadette’s working late. Amy’s sick. Aw. What’s wrong with her? Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.

 Amy’s sick. Aw. What’s wrong with her? Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.

 Aw. What’s wrong with her? Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.

 Aw. What’s wrong with her? Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands. That’s not what I meant. Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?

 Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands. That’s not what I meant. Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?

 That’s not what I meant. Well, if you were referring to her illness your question should have been, what ails her?

 Yep. Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday. Hey, how about that Asian fusion place? Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.

 Great. You know, this is how Anything Can Happen Thursday turns into It Won’t Stop Coming Up Friday. Hey, how about that Asian fusion place? Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.

 Hey, how about that Asian fusion place? Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science.

 Hey, how about that Asian fusion place? Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science. What the hell? What? She’s not working late. And Amy doesn’t look sick.

 Fusion and Asians? I’m trying not to think about science. What the hell? What? She’s not working late. And Amy doesn’t look sick.

 What the hell? What? She’s not working late. And Amy doesn’t look sick.

 Beach blankets, my friend, it’s all about beach blankets. All right, let’s get this over with. Ew, it’s got someone’s hair on it. Oh, yeah, you’re gonna do great with this movie.

 All right, let’s get this over with. Ew, it’s got someone’s hair on it. Oh, yeah, you’re gonna do great with this movie.

 We kind of just wanted one night where we didn’t have to hear about how miserable you are making this movie. But none of that means we don’t love you. I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I? I also love you.

 But none of that means we don’t love you. I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I? I also love you.

 I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I? I also love you.

 I haven’t been complaining that much about the movie. Have I? I also love you. Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon. Where are we going?

 I also love you. Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon. Where are we going?

 Well you know what? Maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon. Where are we going?

 We’re gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday, you’re gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I’m gonna complain about my movie, and we’re gonna support each other because that’s what friends do. Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because… Shut up.

 Okay. ‘Cause if I had to pick now, I’d probably go with dark matter because… Shut up.

 What’s wrong? I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco. It’s fusion. My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

 I don’t understand my food. Chinese noodles with Korean barbecue in a taco. It’s fusion. My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

 It’s fusion. My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

 It’s fusion. My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity. Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie? Not at all.

 My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity. Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie? Not at all.

 Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie? Not at all.

 Think I’ve been complaining too much about the movie? Not at all. Thank you. But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.

 Not at all. Thank you. But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.

 Thank you. But to be fair, when you talk, most of what you say sounds like, wah, wah, wah, clothes, wah, wah, wah.

 Between Penny’s gorilla movie and Howard’s gorilla mother, I had no choice. Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don’t lie to her. Oh, we know you don’t lie to her.

 Thankfully Penny and I have a relationship based on honesty. What? I don’t lie to her. Oh, we know you don’t lie to her.

 Thank you. Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these. Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch. Come on, open it. I bet it says something great. This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.

 Penny, there’s only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life’s problems, and that’s an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you’re in a pinch. Come on, open it. I bet it says something great. This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.

 Come on, open it. I bet it says something great. This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here.

 Come on, open it. I bet it says something great. This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here. Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one. No, it’s not.

 This is Asian fusion. For all you know, there’s a tiny Chihuahua in here. Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one. No, it’s not.

 Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one. No, it’s not.

 Fine, I’ll go. Hmm. People turn to you for guidance and wisdom. Yeah, that’s a good one. No, it’s not. How is that not good? Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

 No, it’s not. How is that not good? Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

 How is that not good? Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.

 How is that not good? Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter. Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours. Have you ever paid for a meal?

 Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly, that cookie is mocking you. You’d never hear that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter. Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours. Have you ever paid for a meal?

 Uh, since you’re paying for dinner, I’ll let that slide. Open yours. Have you ever paid for a meal?

 Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music. (Phone rings) Hey, Penny. What’s up? No, Bernie’s working late. Really? Thanks for telling me. What? I’m having sex with a Catholic schoolgirl tonight.

 Something terrible in a former life? I don’t know. I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

 I gotta go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she’s getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

 Okay, I just did. What was it? Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be. For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie. Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.

 Oh, for God’s sake. Look, he’s a physicist who’s trying to figure out what his next field of study should be. For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie. Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.

 For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie. Okay, I can answer that one, I’ll be bored.

 That’s an easy guess. I’m clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders. Yes, you clearly are. But I’m seeing a specific woman that you’re in a romantic relationship with. Oh, oh, here we go. Does she have dark hair?

 Yes, you clearly are. But I’m seeing a specific woman that you’re in a romantic relationship with. Oh, oh, here we go. Does she have dark hair?

 Oh, oh, here we go. Does she have dark hair? Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire. The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.

 Does she have dark hair? Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire. The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.

 Yes, yes, your spirit guides are on fire. The majority of people have dark hair. Even you, at one time.

 They’re telling me that you have difficulty being close with her. Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do? He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus. Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.

 Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do? He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus. Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.

 He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus. Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.

 Sheldon, do you hear that? I mean, Amy is the key to your happiness.

 Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching. We should finalize our plans. What? That’s a real thing? What is it, Star Wars Christmas? No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Wookiee Life Day. So, when is it?

 What? That’s a real thing? What is it, Star Wars Christmas? No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Wookiee Life Day. So, when is it?

 No. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Wookiee Life Day. So, when is it?

 May the force be with you. Get it? Oh, no. This face wasn’t because I didn’t get it.

 Hey, you got a second? Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time. Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news. What is it?

 Yes. Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I’m working on the Star Wars Day schedule. Now, I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I’m worried an hour won’t be enough time. Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news. What is it?

 Sheldon, I’ve got some bad news. What is it? I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away. Professor Proton is dead?

 What is it? I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away. Professor Proton is dead?

 I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away. Professor Proton is dead?

 I just read online that Arthur Jeffries passed away. Professor Proton is dead? Sorry, buddy. What are you doing?

 Sorry, buddy. What are you doing? Comforting you? Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.

 What are you doing? Comforting you? Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.

 Comforting you? Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t.

 Comforting you? Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t. Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday. But, that’s Star Wars Day.

 Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren’t. Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday. But, that’s Star Wars Day.

 Anyway, the, the funeral’s on Sunday. But, that’s Star Wars Day.

 I’m fine. Okay. Yet he cried when they changed the Raisin Bran box.

 Watching your old friend? Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life. Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.

 Hmm. Yes. Look at him, Amy. It’s such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life. Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.

 Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? Oh, I’m not going to the funeral.

 Do you want me to go to the funeral with you? Oh, I’m not going to the funeral. Why not? All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.

 Oh, I’m not going to the funeral. Why not? All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.

 Why not? All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.

 Why not? All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned. Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye? Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.

 All those people blowing their noses. You can’t tell the sick from the sad. Mm. I’ll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned. Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye? Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.

 Are you sure you don’t want to go say good-bye? Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.

 No, thanks. Leonard and I are just going to the funeral. You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia? And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO. Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?

 You sure. Not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf. Maybe a nice Cafe Au Leia? And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO. Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?

 And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO. Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me?

 And if you’re not in the mood for coffee I can always make you a Chai Tea-3PO. Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me? Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything? Uh, no, thank you.

 Oh, I get it, like C3PO. What happened to me? Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything? Uh, no, thank you.

 Hey, uh, Sheldon, you want anything? Uh, no, thank you. You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting? I’m fine.

 Uh, no, thank you. You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting? I’m fine.

 You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting? I’m fine.

 You’re being so quiet. Are you upset or are you just rebooting? I’m fine. Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral? Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?

 I’m fine. Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral? Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?

 Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come with us to the funeral? Oh, I appreciate the offer, but Arthur is gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?

 Ugh, let’s get this over with. Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time. Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it. You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.

 Since we all agree Episode I isn’t our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time. Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it. You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.

 Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it. You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.

 You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.

 Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favourite we should just get rid of it. You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI. Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters. Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?

 You know, I heard of this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI. Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters. Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?

 Okay, so you’d lose most of Jar Jar, all the trade route talk and the boring senate hearings, which are like watching C-SPAN with monsters. Get rid of the trade route part? Then how would Palpatine get Chancellor Valorum kicked out of office? How would he get himself elected? How? Can we get through one holiday without you saying something ridiculous?

 You never heard it that time. Arthur. I thought you were dead. I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years. Why are you here?

 Arthur. I thought you were dead. I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years. Why are you here?

 I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years. Why are you here?

 I am. Oh, it, it’s fantastic. I mean this, this is the longest that I’ve gone without running into a men’s room in, in, in years. Why are you here? I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife. I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.

 Why are you here? I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife. I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.

 I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife. I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan.

 I don’t know. I was, I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife. I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan. I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet? Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.

 I know why. You’ve come to me because you’re my Obi-Wan. I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet? Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.

 I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet? Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.

 I’m, I’m not, I’m not familiar with that. Is, is, is that an, an Internet? Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form. Well, that, that clears that up. You must be here to give me advice.

 Wow. Uh, you’re dead, so I’m going to let that slide. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form. Well, that, that clears that up. You must be here to give me advice.

 Well, that, that clears that up. You must be here to give me advice.

 Well, that, that clears that up. You must be here to give me advice. Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back. Those are your Jedi robes.

 You must be here to give me advice. Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back. Those are your Jedi robes.

 Well, this, this is weird. Most, most of my robes open in, in the back. Those are your Jedi robes.

 Hey. Penny, don’t get upset. Here. I love you, but, no, I will not marry you. Thank you. Now, about that second proposal. On the one hand…

 Where, where, where are we? This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi. Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida. When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?

 This is the swampland of Dagobah. It’s where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi. Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida. When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?

 Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida. When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me?

 Oh. Too bad. I thought it was Florida. When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me? Um, always, get, get a prenup. That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.

 When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot, he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what do you got for me? Um, always, get, get a prenup. That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.

 Um, always, get, get a prenup. That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here.

 Um, always, get, get a prenup. That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here. Well, why, why do you think I’m here? I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.

 That’s it? I thought there’d be more of a reason why you’re here. Well, why, why do you think I’m here? I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.

 Well, why, why do you think I’m here? I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.

 Well, why, why do you think I’m here? I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing. Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you? Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.

 I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing. Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you? Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.

 Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you? Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos.

 Is, is this the, the first time you’ve lost, you know, someone close to you? Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos. Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too. Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.

 Oh, no. No. I’ve already had to say good-bye to 11 Dr. Whos. Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too. Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.

 Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too. Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14.

 Yeah, I’ve, I’ve outlived a few of my doctors, too. Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14. I’m, I’m sorry about that. And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.

 Of course, my grandfather died when I was five. My father died when I was 14. I’m, I’m sorry about that. And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.

 I’m, I’m sorry about that. And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away.

 And now you’re gone, too. It’s like all the men I’ve looked up to have gone away. Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you. But I do appreciate them. Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)

 Well, you know, it’s, it’s okay to, to be sad about them. Just, just make sure, you know, you appreciate those who, who are still there for you. But I do appreciate them. Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)

 But I do appreciate them. Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)

 Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.)

 But I do appreciate them. Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.) Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right? I’m okay. How was the funeral?

 Well, then, what am I doing in a swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them, Sheldon. (Sheldon is woken up by a knocking on his bedroom door.) Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right? I’m okay. How was the funeral?

 Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right? I’m okay. How was the funeral?

 Hey, buddy. Heard you’re having a rough day. You all right? I’m okay. How was the funeral? It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch? I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.

 I’m okay. How was the funeral? It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch? I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.

 It was nice, you know. A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him. Did you know that Arthur’s son is a high school sci…? (Sheldon hugs him) Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi. You want to go watch? I do. After I make them go back and watch one through five first.

 At least they toned him down in the second one. Yeah, he is pretty stupid. Hey, we can say it. You can’t. Hey, guys.

 Yeah, he is pretty stupid. Hey, we can say it. You can’t. Hey, guys.

 Well, you didn’t miss anything. We just started over. Son of a bitch.

 Yeah, apparently, um, I’m here whenever, when, whenever you need me. That’s nice. May, maybe for you. Why do I need you now?

 May, maybe for you. Why do I need you now? Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars. So?

 Why do I need you now? Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars. So?

 Well, as near as I could tell, you, you fell asleep watching Star Wars, and now you’re, you’re dreaming you’re watching Star Wars. So?

 So she’s gonna be laid up for at least six weeks. Poor Mrs. Wolowitz. Should we do something for her? I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.

 Poor Mrs. Wolowitz. Should we do something for her? I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.

 Should we do something for her? I know. Let’s go see the new Spider-Man movie.

 So the movie’s not as bad as you thought? Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all. Good for you. Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

 Oh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I’m just gonna go in every day and give it my all. Good for you. Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

 Good for you. Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

 Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen.

 Good for you. Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen. I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat. Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

 Thanks. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone’s ever seen. I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat. Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

 I don’t know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler’s List is tough to beat. Ah, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.

 Is that a real thing? Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out. Emily, Hey. Oh, hey, Raj.

 Well, until they invent nose condoms, I’m not finding out. Emily, Hey. Oh, hey, Raj.

 No, not really. What do you mean, not really? Hey, should we get our seats? Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.

 What do you mean, not really? Hey, should we get our seats? Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.

 Hey, should we get our seats? Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later.

 Hey, should we get our seats? Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later. Yeah, okay. That was awkward, right?

 Yeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I’ll call you later. Yeah, okay. That was awkward, right?

 Yeah, okay. That was awkward, right? Uh-huh. Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

 That was awkward, right? Uh-huh. Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

 Uh-huh. Is it because she’s dating you but was out with that other fellow?

 Thanks for skipping the movie. I couldn’t sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy. Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea. You don’t have to make me anything. No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

 Oh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don’t have all the ingredients to make chai tea. You don’t have to make me anything. No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

 You don’t have to make me anything. No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?

 You don’t have to make me anything. No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you? Sorry, I left them in my turban. Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

 No, I do. You’re upset about Emily and you’re Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you? Sorry, I left them in my turban. Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

 Sorry, I left them in my turban. Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?

 Sorry, I left them in my turban. Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man? Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

 Oh, I’ll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That’s close enough. You know, I’m curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man? Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

 Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.

 Wouldn’t you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else? Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me. But you don’t have sex with her, either. Slick, huh?

 Can’t happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me. But you don’t have sex with her, either. Slick, huh?

 But you don’t have sex with her, either. Slick, huh? To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other. Have you had intercourse?

 Slick, huh? To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other. Have you had intercourse?

 To be truthful, Emily and I haven’t dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other. Have you had intercourse?

 Leonard, you are really not cheering me up. Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this? Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny.

 Come on. How can you be sad when you’re going home with all five-foot-six of this? Hmm. You think you’re five-foot-six, that’s funny.

 I don’t understand it. I’m a nice guy, I have a great job, I’m well-educated, come from a good family. Why don’t women want to be with me? An interesting question. Well, good night. What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now. That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.

 An interesting question. Well, good night. What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now. That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.

 What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now. That’s your problem. You can’t be alone.

 What? Don’t send me home. I can’t be alone right now. That’s your problem. You can’t be alone. What do you mean? How many women have you had dates with?

 That’s your problem. You can’t be alone. What do you mean? How many women have you had dates with?

 What do you mean? How many women have you had dates with? Eleven. How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

 How many women have you had dates with? Eleven. How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

 Eleven. How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?

 Eleven. How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion? Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sure.

 How many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion? Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sure.

 Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sure.

 Eleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con? Sure. I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better. Well, now do you see the problem?

 Sure. I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better. Well, now do you see the problem?

 I’ll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better. Well, now do you see the problem?

 How’s your mom holding up? She’s doing okay, but we just lost another nurse. How many is that now? Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.

 She’s doing okay, but we just lost another nurse. How many is that now? Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.

 How many is that now? Two, and I know what you’re thinking, she’s eating them.

 Because you had sex the other night? You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times. Hey, buddy. Hello.

 You know what? That may be it. By the way, it isn’t like riding a bike. Like, I fell off a few times. Hey, buddy. Hello.

 Hey, buddy. Hello. You okay? I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

 Hello. You okay? I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

 You okay? I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory.

 You okay? I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory. Why? He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

 I just got called into President Siebert’s office. The university won’t let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They’re forcing me to continue with string theory. Why? He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

 Why? He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face.

 He said it’s why they hired me, it’s, it’s what my grant was designated for, and that everybody has to do things they don’t want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do, even though he didn’t want to, which was look at my stupid face. That’s a rude thing to say, out loud. It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university. You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

 That’s a rude thing to say, out loud. It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university. You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

 It’s an outrage. Honestly, I’m tempted to leave the university. You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

 You know, if you’re really serious about that, I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

 What you working on? I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory. Oh. How’s it going? You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

 I’m writing an appeal to the Faculty Senate, so that I can move on from string theory. Oh. How’s it going? You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

 Oh. How’s it going? You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand.

 Oh. How’s it going? You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand. It’s nice that you called them esteemed. You’re right. I’ll take that out.

 You tell me. Dear Esteemed Colleagues, as you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I’d be happy to explain it to you in words you’ll understand. It’s nice that you called them esteemed. You’re right. I’ll take that out.

 It’s nice that you called them esteemed. You’re right. I’ll take that out.

 It’s nice that you called them esteemed. You’re right. I’ll take that out. So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you. Mm.

 You’re right. I’ll take that out. So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you. Mm.

 So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you. Mm.

 So, listen, there was something I was hoping to float past you. Mm. Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements. Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

 Mm. Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements. Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

 Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements. Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.

 Now that Penny and I are engaged, I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements. Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding. I’m not. Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

 Of course. She’s spent many nights here, and you’re worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding. I’m not. Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

 I’m not. Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish.

 I’m not. Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish. Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live. What do you mean?

 Good, because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg, countless men would perish. Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live. What do you mean?

 Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live. What do you mean?

 Actually, this is about where she and I are going to live. What do you mean? Well, well, we might want to live together. Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

 What do you mean? Well, well, we might want to live together. Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

 Well, well, we might want to live together. Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.

 Well, well, we might want to live together. Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining. That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you. I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

 Oh, yeah, well, I’ve already given this some thought, and I’m willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now, obviously, not when she’s made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining. That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you. I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

 That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you. I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there?

 That’s very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with… not you. I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there? Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary. Where are you going to go?

 I don’t understand. How could we all live together if I’m not there? Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary. Where are you going to go?

 Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary. Where are you going to go?

 Look, I, I know this is, this is change, and that sounds scary. Where are you going to go? I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall. Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?

 Where are you going to go? I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall. Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?

 I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall. Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?

 I don’t know. We just started to think about this. Maybe I’ll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I’ll take this place, and you can move across the hall. Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana? No, I did not. Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?

 Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana? No, I did not. Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?

 No, I did not. Did you get hit on the head with a coconut? No. Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

 Did you get hit on the head with a coconut? No. Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

 No. Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing?

 No. Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing? Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves. I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

 Well, then, I’m all out of guesses. What? Me move across the hall. Why would you even suggest such a thing? Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves. I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

 Because I love Penny, and want to give her the life she deserves. I see. You’re putting your future bride’s happiness above mine.

 They just don’t appreciate you. Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more. Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik. I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

 Yeah, and on top of that, Leonard has the audacity to suggest that now that he and Penny are engaged, he may not want to live with me any more. Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik. I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

 Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik. I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy.

 Here, I made you some Strawberry Quik. I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy. You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there. Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

 I have real problems here, Amy. I can’t be mollified with a beverage designed for children. Mmm, yummy. You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there. Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

 You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there. Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes.

 You know, this might work out for the best. I mean, you’re always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you’re not there. Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes. You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain. Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?

 Ugh, it’s like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with birds and snakes. You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain. Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?

 You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain. Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden?

 You hate the sound of all those keys on his key chain. Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden? See? Maybe you’ll love living alone. I don’t know. Perhaps.

 Four keys! Who does he think he is, a warden? See? Maybe you’ll love living alone. I don’t know. Perhaps.

 See? Maybe you’ll love living alone. I don’t know. Perhaps. And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together. You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

 I don’t know. Perhaps. And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together. You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

 And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together. You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman?

 And if it turns out you don’t, you and I could live together. You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman? Sheldon, it was just a thought. No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

 You and… oh, sure, and while we’re at it, why don’t we get engaged, too? Why don’t we get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself, woman? Sheldon, it was just a thought. No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

 Sheldon, it was just a thought. No. Here’s a thought. You’re not moving in, Leonard’s not moving out, everything stays exactly the way it is. And by the way, I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, you’re supposed to use the powder.

 Hey, Sheldon. What happened? I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire. And you couldn’t put it out?

 What happened? I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire. And you couldn’t put it out?

 I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire. And you couldn’t put it out?

 I was cooking in the back room last night and the hot plate caught on fire. And you couldn’t put it out? I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower. So when will you reopen?

 And you couldn’t put it out? I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower. So when will you reopen?

 I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower. So when will you reopen?

 I was across the street at the do-it-yourself car wash, taking a shower. So when will you reopen? Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company. So, tomorrow?

 So when will you reopen? Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company. So, tomorrow?

 Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company. So, tomorrow?

 Um, I don’t know. I’m waiting to hear back from the insurance company. So, tomorrow? I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now. Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

 So, tomorrow? I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now. Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

 I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now. Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny.

 I don’t mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now. Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny. Well, sorry I let you down. No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

 Your life? The university is making me do string theory and my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I’m sad is damp and smells funny. Well, sorry I let you down. No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

 Well, sorry I let you down. No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.

 Well, sorry I let you down. No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please. That’ll be $2.99. Really? It’s soaking wet.

 No. I do not accept this. Everything is changing and I hate it. It stops now. I’m helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please. That’ll be $2.99. Really? It’s soaking wet.

 That’ll be $2.99. Really? It’s soaking wet. Fine, a dollar. Can you break a twenty?

 Really? It’s soaking wet. Fine, a dollar. Can you break a twenty?

 Great. I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse. So what’s the catch?

 I just have to warn you, it’ll involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse. So what’s the catch?

 Sheldon. You tracked my phone? Yeah. Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.

 You tracked my phone? Yeah. Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.

 Yeah. Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles. We were worried about you. Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

 Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles. We were worried about you. Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

 We were worried about you. Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever.

 We were worried about you. Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever. Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

 Don’t be melodramatic. I’m just getting on a train and leaving forever. Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

 Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land.

 Seriously? You don’t even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land. Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home. No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.

 My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It’s called living off the land. Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home. No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.

 Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home. No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now.

 Okay, I know you’re upset and there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s nothing we can’t work out. Come on, let’s get you home. No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now. And go where? It doesn’t matter.

 No. I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to leave. Now. And go where? It doesn’t matter.

 And go where? It doesn’t matter. So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo? I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

 It doesn’t matter. So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo? I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

 So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo? I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can.

 So a few things don’t go your way and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo? I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can. Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland. Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

 I suppose it is. Except I have a credit card. And I refuse to carry my laptop at the end of a stick. And I’d sooner die than eat beans out of a can. Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland. Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

 Come on, come home with us and tomorrow I’ll, I’ll take you to Legoland. Legoland is not the solution to everything. And it’s too much of a scene since that movie came out.

 He’s a grown man. No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies. Leonard, we can’t protect him forever. I know, but…

 No, he looks like a grown man. You’ve seen Freaky Friday, sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies. Leonard, we can’t protect him forever. I know, but…

 I know, but… He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan. Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher. Seriously, let him go.

 He’ll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan. Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher. Seriously, let him go.

 Good Lord. Padawan’s the student, not the teacher. Seriously, let him go.

 Seriously, let him go. Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way. I do. Okay. Good luck.

 Sheldon, if you really need to do this, I’m not gonna stand in your way. I do. Okay. Good luck.

 Me, too. And he was able to take a sabbatical from… How could you let him go?

 Morning. Hi. Want to do yoga with me? Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello? Hello, Leonard.

 Hi. Want to do yoga with me? Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello? Hello, Leonard.

 Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello? Hello, Leonard.

 Um, let me just have some coffee first, and then I’ll have the strength to tell you how much I won’t be doing that. (Phone rings) Hello? Hello, Leonard. Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice. Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

 Hello, Leonard. Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice. Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

 Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice. Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

 Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice. Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up. I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny. Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

 Uh, I’m in Kingman, Arizona, and, uh, I need you to come pick me up. I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny. Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

 I’d love to. I’m just about to do yoga with Penny. Leonard, I’m at the police station. I was robbed. They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

 No, I’m not okay. Uh, I’m wearing borrowed pants, I don’t have I.D., and one of the officers here won’t stop calling me chicken legs. Okay. Uh, I’ll, I’ll come get you. What’s the address? Hey, what’s going on? He got all of his stuff stolen.

 Okay. Uh, I’ll, I’ll come get you. What’s the address? Hey, what’s going on? He got all of his stuff stolen.

 Hey, what’s going on? He got all of his stuff stolen. Oh. 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,

 He got all of his stuff stolen. Oh. 2530 East Andy Devine Avenue,

 Okay, okay. Although many older women lead vibrant, active… I said well past it.

 Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you’d know. It wouldn’t kill you to pick up the phone.

 We’re doing everything we can. You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick. Sheldon. Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.

 You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I’m sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick. Sheldon. Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you.

 Sheldon. Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you. Are you okay? Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?

 Leonard. Oh, I’m so happy to see you. Are you okay? Oh, I’m fine. Why did you come?

 I do, but, I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers. Fine. Whisper it. Shotgun.

 So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where’d you go? Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle. How were they? Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.

 Where didn’t I go? I went to New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Seattle. How were they? Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.

 How were they? Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station.

 How were they? Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station. Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station? Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.

 Oh, I have no idea. I never left the train station. Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station? Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.

 Hang on. You travelled across the entire country and never left a train station? Why would I? That’s where all the cool trains are.

 I couldn’t do it. She’s still working on it. Oh, we’re not gonna tell her about this, right? Oh, my God, no.

 I don’t care. Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round? Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours? I just thought you were bad at the game.

 Wrong. Hunt’s. Hey, Amy, what do you say? You ready to move on to the mustard round? Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours? I just thought you were bad at the game.

 Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours? I just thought you were bad at the game.

 Have you not noticed that I’ve been sitting back here quietly stewing for the past two hours? I just thought you were bad at the game. I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me? Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?

 I just thought you were bad at the game. I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me? Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?

 I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me? Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate?

 I’m mad at you. How could you just go away like that without even saying good-bye, and then call Leonard for help instead of me? Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate? We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears? Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.

 Amy, may I please have a moment of privacy to speak with my roommate? We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears? Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.

 We’re in a moving car. What do you expect me to do? Stick my fingers in my ears? Well, I was thinking put your head out the window like a dog, but that’ll work. Please? This’ll be quick. Leonard? As soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. Okay, she can’t hear. The reason I called you is because I didn’t want Amy to know I couldn’t make it on my own.

 What’s the big deal? Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on. Well, yeah, it’s true. You, you are a god to me. Can I stop now?

 Oh, of course it’s no big deal to you. You idolize me, and nothing could ever knock me off that pedestal you put me on. Well, yeah, it’s true. You, you are a god to me. Can I stop now?

 Well, yeah, it’s true. You, you are a god to me. Can I stop now?

 Well, yeah, it’s true. You, you are a god to me. Can I stop now? Just tell her. I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.

 Can I stop now? Just tell her. I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.

 Just tell her. I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me.

 Just tell her. I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me. You were worried about that? Yes.

 I called Leonard because I failed. And I didn’t want you to think less of me. You were worried about that? Yes.

 You were worried about that? Yes. Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect. Can I have one more moment with Leonard?

 Yes. Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect. Can I have one more moment with Leonard?

 Sheldon, it’s okay with me that you’re not perfect. Can I have one more moment with Leonard?

 But you still accomplished something. Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said? That I couldn’t do it? Exactly. Right after they said yeah.

 Yeah. If you had told anyone that you were going away on a train by yourself across the country, do you know what they would have said? That I couldn’t do it? Exactly. Right after they said yeah.

 That I couldn’t do it? Exactly. Right after they said yeah. But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.

 Exactly. Right after they said yeah. But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.

 But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks.

 But you did do it. So what if it didn’t all go your way? That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks. See? This trip was good for you. Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.

 That’s a good point. You know, I’m a lot like Gandalf the Grey. He fought the Balrog and emerged stronger than ever as Gandalf the White. I was robbed of my phone and pants, and I, too, came back stronger. And whiter, too, ’cause I wasn’t in direct sunlight for six weeks. See? This trip was good for you. Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.

 See? This trip was good for you. Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly.

 Indeed. I was the world’s smartest caterpillar. And then after pupating in our nation’s railway system, I’ve burst forth as the world’s smartest butterfly. Butterfly could’ve gotten himself home from Arizona. Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way. Hey.

 Butterfly could’ve gotten himself home from Arizona. Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way. Hey.

 Yeah, I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way. Hey.

 Hey, look who’s back. Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.

 I thought your phone got stolen. Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud. And you thought they all had a silver lining. Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.

 Yeah, it did, but luckily all my photos got backed up to the Cloud. And you thought they all had a silver lining. Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.

 And you thought they all had a silver lining. Here, day one, uh, this was the seat I was going to sit in but didn’t because there were cracker crumbs on it. As it was first class, I suspect Ritz. This is the train bathroom. This is the Imodium I took so I would never have to use the train bathroom.

 What a sick use of science. Hey, as long as the baby’s healthy. I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals. Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

 Hey, as long as the baby’s healthy. I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals. Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

 I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals. Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

 Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

 I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals. Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass. Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles. Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

 Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass. Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles. Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

 Yes, but when they’re hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles. Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn’t be attacked.

 Next Monday. Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you? Uh, not yet, but I will. Great. When?

 Did you get a chance to look over the materials I gave you? Uh, not yet, but I will. Great. When?

 Uh, not yet, but I will. Great. When? I said I’ll get to it. I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?

 Great. When? I said I’ll get to it. I’m sensing awkwardness, am I right?

 Well, the first few weeks will be all training. They’ll tell me everything I need to know. But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material. Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet? Couldn’t hurt.

 But imagine how impressed they’d be if you showed up already familiar with the material. Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet? Couldn’t hurt.

 Okay, so what, you want me to be like a teacher’s pet? Couldn’t hurt.

 Mm, I don’t know. Who here has ever been hurt because they were the teacher’s pet? It was like the rest of the class wanted Ms. McDonald to forget the quiz.

 Dr. Cooper. (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me? Yes. Uh, welcome back. Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

 (Knock, knock, knock) That’s right, good job. Hello. Uh, you wanted to see me? Yes. Uh, welcome back. Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

 Yes. Uh, welcome back. Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory?

 Yes. Uh, welcome back. Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory? You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no. That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?

 Thank you. I assume you’d like to reopen our dialogue about the university forcing me to continue with string theory? You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no. That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?

 You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no. That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please?

 You mean the dialogue that went, please, no, please, no, please, no. That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please? Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study. Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

 That’s the one. I believe you went last, so, uh, please? Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study. Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

 Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study. Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution?

 Dr. Cooper, while you were away, we came up with a solution that would allow you to change your field of study. Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution? Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like. But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.

 Wow. Pouting and running away actually worked. I must say, that may not be a lesson you want to reinforce with me. So, um, what is the solution? Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like. But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.

 Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like. But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class.

 Currently, you’re being paid under a grant to specifically research string theory. If we promote you to junior professor, you’ll be able to choose whatever field of research you’d like. But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class. That is correct. So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

 But if I’m a professor, then I’ll have to teach a class. That is correct. So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

 That is correct. So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money so that I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?

 Why is it your last name and her first name? Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney. Hey, how’d it go with human resources? Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

 Oh, well, her last name is Sweeney, and something just didn’t seem right about Koothrapeeney. Hey, how’d it go with human resources? Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

 Hey, how’d it go with human resources? Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class.

 Hey, how’d it go with human resources? Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class. I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach? What a stupid question.

 Awful. They’re allowing me to move on from string theory, but they made me a junior professor and are requiring me to teach a class. I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach? What a stupid question.

 I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach? What a stupid question.

 I don’t understand. Why is it bad that you have to teach? What a stupid question. The kids are gonna love him. I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

 What a stupid question. The kids are gonna love him. I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

 The kids are gonna love him. I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers.

 The kids are gonna love him. I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers. This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong. Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

 I can’t believe I have to waste my time babysitting a bunch of grad students who probably think dark matter is what’s in their diapers. This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong. Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

 This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong. Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do.

 This might not be that bad. Uh, you like telling people they’re wrong. Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do. You enjoy giving people grades. A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.

 Wrong, Just because I enjoyed that one doesn’t mean I always do. You enjoy giving people grades. A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.

 You enjoy giving people grades. A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus.

 You enjoy giving people grades. A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus. And you love the sound of your own voice. Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

 A valid point, but unoriginal. B-minus. And you love the sound of your own voice. Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

 And you love the sound of your own voice. Yeah, well, of course I do. Listen to it. It’s like an earful of melted caramel.

 If she doesn’t do well, this could reflect poorly on you. Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care? I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.

 Exactly. Does she not realize it or does she not care? I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.

 I don’t know. The important thing is I am here for you so we can mutually disparage this unpleasing third party.

 Hey. We just wanted to see how your class was going. Where is everybody? There is no class. Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already? No one signed up.

 There is no class. Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already? No one signed up.

 Did you send everyone to the principal’s office already? No one signed up.

 No one signed up. Well, that’s not your fault. I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious. What?

 Well, that’s not your fault. I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious. What?

 I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious. What?

 I called the department secretary to see what happened. Apparently, I have a reputation for being obnoxious. What? Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry. No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.

 What? Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry. No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry. No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’m sorry. No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter. Aw, you brought cookies for everyone? Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

 No, it’s fine. Now I can devote all my time to dark matter. Aw, you brought cookies for everyone? Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

 Aw, you brought cookies for everyone? Oh, yes. Fig Newtons. I was going to ask them which scientist both helped to develop calculus and had a famous cookie named after him? And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they’re wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I’d throw the cookies away.

 Hey, what if I took your class? Why would you do that? Yeah, why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?

 Why would you do that? Yeah, why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?

 What’s wrong with you? I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not? Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about. Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.

 I’m thinking about getting my doctorate, and he wants to teach. Why not? Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about. Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.

 Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about. Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer.

 Oh, Howard. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a graduate-level physics class. I don’t think you’d understand a single thing I was talking about. Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer. Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class. No.

 Ask why not again, I’ve got an answer. Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class. No.

 Sheldon, I’m more than smart enough to take your class. No. Yes. How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

 No. Yes. How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

 Yes. How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution?

 Yes. How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution? I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution. Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

 How would you determine the ground state of a quantum system with no exact solution? I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution. Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

 I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution. Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up?

 I would guess a wave-function and then vary its parameters until I found the lowest energy solution. Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up? I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign. Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

 Hmm. Do you know how to integrate X squared times E to the minus X, without looking it up? I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign. Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

 I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign. Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics?

 I’d use Feynman’s trick, differentiate under the integral sign. Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics? Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough? No.

 Okay. Um, what is the correct interpretation of quantum mechanics? Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough? No.

 Since every interpretation gives exactly the same answer to every measurement, they are all equally correct. However, I know you believe in the Many Worlds Interpretation, so I’ll say that. Now do you think I’m smart enough? No.

 Oh, come on. You might’ve gone to school for a couple more years than me, but guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists. You take that back. No.

 So, after drinks with Bernadette, I get home, and Penny calls to complain about her. And then while I’m talking to Penny, I get a text from Bernadette. I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this? Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more. Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

 I am trying to prepare my lesson plan for Howard. Why are you telling me this? Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more. Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

 Because it’s taken 15 years, but high school is finally awesome. I love them both, but I’m in the centre now, and I love that even more. Amy, please. I am trying to figure out a way to intellectually emasculate a dear friend of mine.

 But I’m just… Not now. You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.

 Not now. You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.

 You better watch that attitude, buddy. You’re dating the popular girl now.

 Hmm. You’re up late. Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it. Sheldon, why are you doing this? I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.

 Oh, I’m working on my lesson plan for Wolowitz. He is going to be so lost. Look at this section over here. Even I don’t really understand it. Sheldon, why are you doing this? I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.

 Sheldon, why are you doing this? I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job.

 Sheldon, why are you doing this? I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job. No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz? Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.

 I’m a teacher, Leonard. It’s my job. No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz? Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.

 No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz? Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure.

 No, I mean, why are you going to so much trouble to prove that you’re smarter than Wolowitz? Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure. You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it. Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

 Oh, it’s no trouble, it’s actually a pleasure. You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it. Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

 You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it. Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority.

 You want to know what I think? I think the idea that someone could be as smart as you, or even smarter, scares the pants off you, and you can’t deal with it. Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority. Might be something to think about. Leonard?

 Interesting point. You’re suggesting that I have emotional issues below my consciousness which drive my behaviour, thus causing me to lash out at anything or anyone that threatens my intellectual superiority. Might be something to think about. Leonard?

 Leonard? Yeah. Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?

 Yeah. Howard’s allergic to peanuts. How can I use that against him?

 Hey. Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin. Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot. I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

 Okay, now that everyone’s here, we can begin. Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot. I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

 Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot. I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience.

 Before we do, I just talked to Leonard. And if you’re gonna spend all your time trying to belittle me by making this class unnecessarily hard, then I’m out. But if you’re interested in making a sincere effort to be a good teacher, then I’m willing to give this a shot. I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience. Okay. Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

 I suppose that’s a fair request. There’s no reason we both can’t benefit from this experience. Okay. Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

 Okay. Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem?

 Okay. Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem? I am. Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?

 Okay. Well, then, uh, first things first. Um, are you familiar with the Brachistochrone problem? I am. Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations?

 I am. Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations? It’s an inverted cycloid. Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?

 Good. And how it relates to the calculus of variations? It’s an inverted cycloid. Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?

 It’s an inverted cycloid. Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?

 It’s an inverted cycloid. Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems? That’s where I’m a little fuzzy. Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

 Wonderful. Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems? That’s where I’m a little fuzzy. Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

 That’s where I’m a little fuzzy. Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C.

 That’s where I’m a little fuzzy. Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C. All I do is win, win, win no matter what. What are you doing?

 Ha! I knew it. All right. We have a lot of information to cover before your first test. Which, by the way, is in eight minutes. The good news is I’m grading on a curve, so you’re pretty much guaranteed a C. All I do is win, win, win no matter what. What are you doing?

 All I do is win, win, win no matter what. What are you doing? Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there! What are you doing?

 What are you doing? Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there! What are you doing?

 Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there! What are you doing?

 Everybody hands go up, up and they stay there! What are you doing? If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now… Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

 What are you doing? If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now… Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

 If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now… Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand.

 If you’re gonna be a crappy teacher, then I’m gonna be a crappy student. (Singing) Uh, uh, Ludacris going in on the verse. ’cause I never been defeated and I won’t stop now… Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand. Okay. Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

 Will you stop it. This is a classroom. This is not American Bandstand. Okay. Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

 Okay. Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now?

 Okay. Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now? Making a straw. Why?

 Now, where was I? Let’s see. Oh, yes. Over here. You… What are you doing now? Making a straw. Why?

 Oh. Well, good luck getting her to do that. She’s probably off getting another manicure. You remember when she did that? You remember? I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we’re good. Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position. Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.

 I was probably being too hard on her. We talked, we’re good. Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position. Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.

 Oh. Great. I’m happy for you guys. You know, when the two of you aren’t getting along, it puts me in a really weird position. Well, don’t worry, everything’s back to normal.

 You mean, like, where she’s nice to your face? Okay got it. Bye. Hey, boyfriend. Can’t talk. Spitball. Probably gonna die.

 Sheldon, I promise. Your uvula does not have an STD. Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to. You reported me to human resources? You violated the sanctity of my mouth.

 Are you sure? It just doesn’t feel as innocent as it used to. You reported me to human resources? You violated the sanctity of my mouth.

 You reported me to human resources? You violated the sanctity of my mouth.

 You reported me to human resources? You violated the sanctity of my mouth. Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy. I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.

 You violated the sanctity of my mouth. Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy. I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.

 Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy. I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it.

 Well, I dropped your class, so I hope you’re happy. I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it. I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you. Yeah, try me.

 I told you you weren’t smart enough to take it. I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you. Yeah, try me.

 I’m smart enough, Sheldon. Asking me a bunch of questions about a topic I’m not familiar with doesn’t prove anything. I could do the same to you. Yeah, try me.

 Yeah, try me. Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials? Young’s modulus. Is that right?

 Okay. You enjoy making fun of engineering so much, how do you quantify the strength of materials? Young’s modulus. Is that right?

 Yeah, just nice and easy, right over the plate. All right. You suck, Wolowitz. What’s that about?

 For what? The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called? What, you? Really? Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.

 The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called? What, you? Really? Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.

 What, you? Really? Well, a lot of people who weren’t available, but then me.

 Cut it out. You’re hurting my feelings. Now you know why we’re not outside.

 Did you enjoy my lecture? No, and neither did our waiter. Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it. It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

 No, and neither did our waiter. Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it. It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

 Well, if you’re going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it. It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

 It’s hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

 Hey, how was dinner? Good, I had Cornish game hen. Oh, that poor waiter. Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?

 Good, I had Cornish game hen. Oh, that poor waiter. Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?

 Oh, that poor waiter. Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?

 Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie? You guys are going out two nights in a row? I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement. That’s so hot.

 You guys are going out two nights in a row? I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement. That’s so hot.

 I missed a number of date nights while I was on my train trip, and I’m contractually obligated to make them up under the terms of the Relationship Agreement. That’s so hot.

 That’s so hot. It’s better than hot, it’s binding. If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date. Aw.

 It’s better than hot, it’s binding. If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date. Aw.

 If you’re free tomorrow night, I’d love to have you join us on a double date. Aw.

 Thank you, that would be great. Great. And while we’re at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound. What’s wrong with the way I run?

 Great. And while we’re at it, maybe we could butch up your run for when you head out to the mound. What’s wrong with the way I run?

 Sheldon, I’m surprised you’d choose to go to a pub. At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon. I then suggested a pub. Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

 At our committee meeting, Amy made a motion for a picnic in a park, but I tacked so many amendments on that thing it sank like a lead balloon. I then suggested a pub. Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

 I then suggested a pub. Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding.

 Yeah, which I was initially sceptical of until I saw online that they serve Yorkshire pudding. You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding. No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum. After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

 You don’t even like Yorkshire pudding. No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum. After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

 No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum. After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

 After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin.

 No, it’s yucky, but informing people about the history of Yorkshire is yummy, yum-yum. After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin. Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive. Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.

 After a lively debate, that proposal passed by a two-zero margin. Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive. Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.

 Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive. Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours.

 Nice to see a busy couple keep the spark of bureaucracy alive. Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours. Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something? I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

 Ignore them, Amy. They’re just jealous because they’ll never have a relationship as good as ours. Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something? I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

 Isn’t this when he says bazooka or something? I wasn’t making a joke, I was merely stating fact. Amy and I have a superior relationship to yours.

 There’s no way this is sixty feet. I’m looking at it. You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.

 I’m looking at it. You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.

 You realize this isn’t one of those times I want you to exaggerate how long something is.

 Okay, I got to, I, I, I, I got to ask. What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn’t? For starters, we enjoy spending time together. So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things. It’s called parallel play.

 For starters, we enjoy spending time together. So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things. It’s called parallel play.

 So do we. And I’ve seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things. It’s called parallel play.

 It’s called parallel play. Yeah, toddlers do that. Not as well as we do. You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.

 Yeah, toddlers do that. Not as well as we do. You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.

 Not as well as we do. You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything.

 Not as well as we do. You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything. So what? Why do you even care? Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.

 You believe this guy? He has to be the best at everything. So what? Why do you even care? Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.

 So what? Why do you even care? Oh, listen to them. Not even married and the honeymoon’s over.

 Uh, we’re not sure. But I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I’m not pregnant. May I have one of your fries? Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger? Absolutely not.

 May I have one of your fries? Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger? Absolutely not.

 Of course. Can I have a bite of your burger? Absolutely not. Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her. It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

 Absolutely not. Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her. It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

 Some perfect couple. He won’t even share his food with her. It has avocado on it. She’s allergic to avocado. Are you so jealous of our relationship you want Amy to die?

 I’m not jealous. I just think it’s silly for you to compare relationships like they’re something that can be quantified. Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four. How ridiculous is he? A hundred.

 Everything is quantifiable. That French fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly, only a four. How ridiculous is he? A hundred.

 How ridiculous is he? A hundred. Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion. No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.

 A hundred. Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion. No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.

 Sheldon, you’re just assigning random numbers to things based on your opinion. No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig.

 No, I’m not. French fries have three variables, crispiness, saltiness and shape. Which is why a curly fry only gets a two. If I wanted curls for dinner, I’d order a clown wig. Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry. Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto. Oh, what did those rascals do now?

 Well, a relationship is more complicated than a French fry. Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto. Oh, what did those rascals do now?

 Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto. Oh, what did those rascals do now?

 Not according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto. Oh, what did those rascals do now? They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour. Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.

 Oh, what did those rascals do now? They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour. Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.

 They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour. Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper.

 They developed the Relationship Closeness Inventory, which predicts the stability of a couple based on behaviour. Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper. So, this is accurate? It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.

 Yeah, not to be confused with the French Fry Goodness Inventory. That’s pure Cooper. So, this is accurate? It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.

 So, this is accurate? It’s been around for 25 years, and has been extensively corroborated by other researchers.

 Anytime, Froot Loops. Give your wife a hug for me. She’s so much cuter than you, I don’t know how you ever got her. He’s so nice.

 I killed his Chewbacca slippers. Let’s just take the test. No, no, no, I don’t want to. Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.

 Let’s just take the test. No, no, no, I don’t want to. Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.

 No, no, no, I don’t want to. Oh, well, ’cause you know we’re gonna do bad.

 Because it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if we’re a ten or a two. Or a one. A one is possible. Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you. Leonard.

 Or a one. A one is possible. Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you. Leonard.

 Marriage is scary. You’re scared, I’m scared. But it doesn’t make me not want to do it. It, it just makes me want to hold your hand and do it with you. Leonard.

 Mmm, I love how they put a waterfall at centre field. It really ties the whole stadium together. Look at you, talking sports. This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game. Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.

 Look at you, talking sports. This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game. Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.

 This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game. Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game.

 This is fun, huh? We get to see our friend throw out the first pitch, have a hot dog, watch the game. Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game. Sheldon, what did you expect? I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.

 Whoa. Nobody said anything about watching the game. Sheldon, what did you expect? I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.

 Sheldon, what did you expect? I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade.

 Sheldon, what did you expect? I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade. I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead. Who’s the bobblehead of?

 I expected to see Howard throw the baseball, finish my hot dog, and hightail it across the street to Disneyland just in time for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade. I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead. Who’s the bobblehead of?

 I’ll tell you what. If we stay, I’ll buy you cotton candy and a bobblehead. Who’s the bobblehead of?

 On our Quidditch team, he… Yeah, that’s a no. I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch. Why is it going so slow?

 Yeah, that’s a no. I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch. Why is it going so slow?

 I have a message for the young people here today. When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn’t do it. So, I practiced and practiced, and you know what? That little voice was right, but then I remembered that I’m not an athlete. I’m a scientist. So, today’s first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars Rover. And here’s the wind-up, and the pitch. Why is it going so slow?

 Why is it going so slow? ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through. Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch. Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.

 ‘Cause I’m an idiot who didn’t think this through. Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch. Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.

 Okay, new plan. We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer’s Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch. Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.

 Okay, while we’re waiting for the ball to arrive, here’s some fun facts about Mars.

 You suck, Wolowitz! He makes a valid point. Okay, booing isn’t gonna make it go any faster.

 He makes a valid point. Okay, booing isn’t gonna make it go any faster.

 Oh, I think that sounds wonderful. What? You’re afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens. Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot. Hey, guys.

 What? You’re afraid of both dinosaurs and chickens. Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot. Hey, guys.

 Yes, but tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn’t hit the Mesozoic spot. Hey, guys.

 Hello. We still on for tomorrow night? Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.

 We still on for tomorrow night? Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.

 Yeah. I’m excited to finally meet your girlfriend. Speaking of which, according to a recent study out of Oxford University, when someone takes on a new romantic partner, that person loses one or two close friends.

 I don’t want to talk about it. But he’s going to. My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven. Long story short, they have seven HBOs.

 But he’s going to. My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven. Long story short, they have seven HBOs.

 My mom got him cable. In my whole life, growing up in that house, no cable. Do you know how many HBOs that leech had my mother get him? Seven. Seven HBOs. Seven. Long story short, they have seven HBOs.

 Hello. Wow, Raj, you were not lying about her. I told you she exists. Hey, I hear you’re a dermatologist.

 Wow, Raj, you were not lying about her. I told you she exists. Hey, I hear you’re a dermatologist.

 Uh, yeah, I’m a resident at Huntington Hospital. Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop. You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time. Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.

 Oh, I like their emergency room. Yeah, even if it turns out you don’t have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop. You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time. Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.

 You know, Penny just started training to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. Maybe she can practice on you some time. Oh, it would be great to practice on a real doctor.

 I miss Stuart’s place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store, or a rave at the third little pig’s house? Yep, I wish Stuart would reopen. I hate this place, too. Okay, him I believe because he’s an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old’s tee shirt. But you’re just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs. Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?

 Yep, I wish Stuart would reopen. I hate this place, too. Okay, him I believe because he’s an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old’s tee shirt. But you’re just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs. Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?

 Okay, him I believe because he’s an 80-year-old man in a 15-year-old’s tee shirt. But you’re just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs. Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?

 Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones?

 Yes, I am. You know, I can’t even watch Game of Thrones now without thinking of mother saying, Stuart, which one is Thrones? You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company. Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies. Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?

 You know, he might not reopen. He didn’t get a lot of money from the insurance company. Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies. Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?

 Oh, boy, if there is one thing that gets my goat, it’s those dad-gum insurance companies. Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?

 Why? Because they won’t get off your lawn? Is Stuart trying to get a loan, or, or find investors?

 Hey, here’s a thought. Why don’t we put up the rest of the money that Stuart needs? So, we’d be, like, owners of a comic book store? It’s kind of a dream come true. That does sound fun.

 So, we’d be, like, owners of a comic book store? It’s kind of a dream come true. That does sound fun.

 You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride. Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up? Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools? Toy stores, puppet shows.

 Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up? Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools? Toy stores, puppet shows.

 Nice. You mean, like at parks and schools? Toy stores, puppet shows.

 Why say it? Yes. Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list. Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.

 Yes. Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list. Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.

 Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list. Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh.

 Well, I would never leave you off my list, and not just because, without you, we’re playing fast and loose with the word list. Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh. Great. On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.

 Well, good job. Now she hates me. Ugh. Great. On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.

 Great. On the bright side, that Oxford study was right. One friend down. I wonder who you’re going to lose next.

 You say things like that all the time. Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up. Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list? Yeah.

 Yes, but as a store owner, I’ll finally have a good comeback to, You don’t work here, shut up. Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list? Yeah.

 Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list? Yeah.

 Uh, do you know how Penny told Raj he should have left her off his list? Yeah. Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list? I’m sure she did.

 Yeah. Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list? I’m sure she did.

 Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list? I’m sure she did.

 Well, do you think when she and I had that conversation, she left people off her list? I’m sure she did. Why? Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.

 I’m sure she did. Why? Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.

 Why? Because if she hadn’t, she’d still be wading through the list.

 Will you stay out of this? If only Penny had said that once in a while. Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry. That’s true.

 If only Penny had said that once in a while. Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry. That’s true.

 Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry. That’s true.

 Hey, what difference does it make? You’re the one she wants to marry. That’s true. Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship. Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.

 That’s true. Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship. Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.

 Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship. Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon.

 Yeah, and I’m not sure that complete honesty is always the best thing for a relationship. Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon. Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women. I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.

 Yeah, he’s right. Once, in a moment of candour, I told Amy that her hair reminded me of a duck caught in an oil spill. She stormed out. Which was sad, because we were playing Scrabble, and I had all the letters to spell persimmon. Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women. I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.

 Why are you even part of this conversation? You don’t know anything about women. I know that if I had a wife or a fiancée, I’d ask her first before I invested money in a comic book store.

 Oh, baby. That story’s made up, isn’t it? That’s how much buying a comic book store means to me.

 Of course. Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind. I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon. Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.

 Now, before I start, I need you to know that I’m very excited about this, and anything you say that isn’t enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So, keep an open mind. I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon. Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.

 I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon. Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store.

 I’m feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon. Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store. Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources? No.

 Perfect. Now, I’m considering investing in Stuart’s comic book store. Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources? No.

 Interesting. Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colourful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources? No.

 I’m really disappointed we’re not gonna have our own comic book store. I know. I was looking forward to it. It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace. With comfy seats.

 I know. I was looking forward to it. It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace. With comfy seats.

 It would’ve been so nice to have a place that was ours, where we could just sit and read comics in peace. With comfy seats.

 Hey, I read that someone invented a way to convert your footsteps into electromagnetic energy so you can charge your cell phone while walking. We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it? Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back. I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

 We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it? Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back. I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

 Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back. I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.

 Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back. I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town. That’s not what happened. I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.

 I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22nd, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town. That’s not what happened. I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.

 That’s not what happened. I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death.

 That’s not what happened. I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death. No one wants to hear it. Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.

 I remember it distinctly because I had just composed my annual poem commemorating the anniversary of Dr. Seuss’s death. No one wants to hear it. Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.

 No one wants to hear it. Why, die. Why did he die? Old, told. I was told he was old.

 Easy. Sleeping with Penny. Getting Penny to go back out with him after she dumped him. Tricking Penny into getting engaged. And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.

 Getting Penny to go back out with him after she dumped him. Tricking Penny into getting engaged. And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.

 Tricking Penny into getting engaged. And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up.

 Tricking Penny into getting engaged. And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up. I think someone owes me an apology. Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.

 And a few weeks ago, he almost did a pull-up. I think someone owes me an apology. Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.

 I think someone owes me an apology. Well, don’t feel bad. I think we’ve all been distracted since the girls entered our lives.

 Oh, very much so. Listen to this. This is from two days ago. Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Who has time for this constant sexting? Well, maybe we have lost our focus. It wouldn’t kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas. Ooh, we could have one of those retreats.

 Well, maybe we have lost our focus. It wouldn’t kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas. Ooh, we could have one of those retreats.

 It wouldn’t kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas. Ooh, we could have one of those retreats.

 It wouldn’t kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas. Ooh, we could have one of those retreats. My cousin has a cabin out in the woods. I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

 Ooh, we could have one of those retreats. My cousin has a cabin out in the woods. I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

 My cousin has a cabin out in the woods. I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

 My cousin has a cabin out in the woods. I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods? Then we’ll go to a hotel. A hotel? Did you see The Shining?

 I’m not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods? Then we’ll go to a hotel. A hotel? Did you see The Shining?

 Then we’ll go to a hotel. A hotel? Did you see The Shining? We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake. Did you see The Lake House?

 A hotel? Did you see The Shining? We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake. Did you see The Lake House?

 We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake. Did you see The Lake House?

 We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake. Did you see The Lake House? Nothing bad happens in The Lake House. Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.

 Did you see The Lake House? Nothing bad happens in The Lake House. Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.

 Nothing bad happens in The Lake House. Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet.

 Nothing bad happens in The Lake House. Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet. Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it. Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.

 Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet. Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it. Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.

 Fine. Then we’ll just stay here and do it. Well, you didn’t suggest a beach house.

 Hey. Hey. I didn’t think you’d make it. Why not? Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

 Hey. I didn’t think you’d make it. Why not? Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

 Why not? Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

 Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

 Why not? Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit. For your information, Emily is working tonight. Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.

 Well, ’cause you have a steady girlfriend now, and we assumed you’d have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit. For your information, Emily is working tonight. Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.

 For your information, Emily is working tonight. Yeah, one would assume, on getting out of the pit.

 Okay, let’s focus. The girls are gone, we have 48 hours. There are no distractions. Let’s change the world. Thinking caps on. Here we go. Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.

 Thinking caps on. Here we go. Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.

 Here we go. Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.

 Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie.

 Here we go. Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie. Oh. I never saw that. Really?

 Ooh, this is exciting. We’re innovating. I feel like we’re in the Facebook movie. Oh. I never saw that. Really?

 Really? Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it. Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it. Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.

 Oh. It’s wonderful, and I swear I’m not saying that because Justin Timberlake is in it. Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it. Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.

 Yeah, I have it on Blu-ray. We should watch it. Cool. I’ll make the popcorn.

 Cool. I’ll make the popcorn. Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV. I’m sorry. Is that a no? Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?

 Guys, in 30 seconds, we went from let’s change the world to let’s watch TV. I’m sorry. Is that a no? Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?

 I’m sorry. Is that a no? Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?

 Okay. No. Leonard’s right. We’re here to focus. Didn’t we used to have a list of all our ideas?

 I did not get a clear answer. I’m gonna set this down now. Ah, here it is. Whoa. I haven’t looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend. Mm, that was mine. Robot prostitute.

 Ah, here it is. Whoa. I haven’t looked at these in years. Robot girlfriend. Mm, that was mine. Robot prostitute.

 There’s just some things you don’t do with your robot girlfriend. Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit. Okay, let’s just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion. No, it vibrates. Keep going.

 Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit. Okay, let’s just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion. No, it vibrates. Keep going.

 Okay, let’s just skip all the inventions you can have sex with. All right, no, here we go, ergonomic heated seat cushion. No, it vibrates. Keep going.

 No, it vibrates. Keep going. You know, let’s just come up with something new. You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact. Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.

 You know, let’s just come up with something new. You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact. Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.

 You know, a number of significant innovations have been inspired by science fiction. The, the geosynchronous satellite from Arthur C. Clarke. The Motorola flip phone, that came from Star Trek. And I’ve long suspected that the idea of an African-American president was stolen from the movie Deep Impact. Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.

 Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet.

 Hey, the future they show in Back to the Future II is only a year away. A lot of the things in that movie haven’t been invented yet. How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality? If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application. Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.

 How cool would that be if we could make one of those a reality? If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application. Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.

 If we could figure out the scientific basis for Marty’s hover board, that would have universal application. Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.

 Well, it’s, it’s possible at absolute zero, but we would have to remove the temperature restrictions.

 This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet. Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right? What do you mean? Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

 Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right? What do you mean? Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

 What do you mean? Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

 What do you mean? Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future? Had will have placed? That’s my boy.

 Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future? Had will have placed? That’s my boy.

 Had will have placed? That’s my boy. Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline. Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!

 That’s my boy. Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline. Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!

 Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline. Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!

 Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline. Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it! What? Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

 Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it! What? Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

 What? Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

 What? Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine… Wait. Is brought right? Marty and Doc never had have had brought?

 Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine… Wait. Is brought right? Marty and Doc never had have had brought?

 Wait. Is brought right? Marty and Doc never had have had brought?

 I don’t know. You did it to me. Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t. He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff. Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.

 Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t. He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff. Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.

 He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff. Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.

 Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies. Guys. Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien? Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

 Guys. Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien? Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

 Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien? Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

 Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

 Oh, don’t be embarrassed. I’ll show you the divot in my spine. What? No, no, it’s okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.

 What? No, no, it’s okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.

 No, no, it’s okay. I was born with it. If you put a double-A battery in there, it makes my leg kick.

 All right. Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here. Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work. So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.

 Oh, this is already better. There are far fewer distractions in here. Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work. So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.

 Plus, this is where our minds are conditioned to focus on work. So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.

 So, I’ve been thinking about the hover boards, and maybe there’s a way we could use Maglev technology.

 Well, I wonder if anyone’s tried that. Go online and look it up. Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener. That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.

 Go online and look it up. Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener. That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.

 Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener. That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is.

 Oh, I can’t argue with him. It’s right there on the screen. Austria does look like a wiener. That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is. I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work? Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?

 That’s nothing, dude. Go check out how hung Florida is. I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work? Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?

 I’m sure Mrs. Florida’s walking funny. Can we get back to work? Yeah, he’s right. Oh, here’s a thought. What if we use some form of operant conditioning techniques to keep us from getting off topic?

 That cannot be true. Hey, it was match point. Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic. Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.

 Hey, it was match point. Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic. Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.

 Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic. Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind.

 Some psychologists perform operant conditioning with punishment. Maybe we can come up with a punishment for straying off topic. Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind. We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked. Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.

 Not getting to see who wins at pigeon ping-pong comes to mind. We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked. Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.

 We could snap a rubber band on our wrists every time we get sidetracked. Mmm, not bad. You know, in medieval times, idle chatter was punished with a device called the scold’s bridle. It’s an iron cage that’s locked around the head and pierces the tongue.

 Okay, so we agree, whenever someone takes us off topic they get their arm hair yanked off. And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her. All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling… Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?

 And I really can’t let that happen or the girl who does my eyebrows will think I’ve been cheating on her. All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling… Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?

 All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling… Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic?

 All right, now, one benefit of quantum coupling… Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic? I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also… Ow. We didn’t vote!

 Wait, a question, who decides if someone’s gone off topic? I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also… Ow. We didn’t vote!

 I think it’ll be pretty clear. If not, we’ll take a vote. Oh, and also… Ow. We didn’t vote!

 Ow. We didn’t vote! We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why? You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault. That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.

 We didn’t have to, that was clearly a tangent. Now come on. Back to work. If we’re leaning towards quantum coupling… Aah! Why? You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault. That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.

 You said quantum coupling. That made me think of the show Quantum Leap. That’s a tangent and it’s your fault. That’s ridiculous. Sheldon, I vote that is not a tangent.

 Thank you. And now I owe you one. Ow. That was your fault. Hey. Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.

 Ow. That was your fault. Hey. Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.

 Hey. Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.

 Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny.

 Hey. Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny. Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working. I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.

 Ooh, that is a lot of hair. Ow. And now I’m gonna hear it from Jenny. Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working. I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.

 Everyone stop. This was a stupid idea. Negative reinforcement isn’t working. I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It’s a common mistake.

 No way. Not Bill Murray. I’m studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability. Huh. Bill Murray did get it wrong. Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

 I’m studying the effect of negative reinforcement on ESP ability. Huh. Bill Murray did get it wrong. Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

 Huh. Bill Murray did get it wrong. Jump ahead to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

 No. Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie. Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark. Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.

 Leonard’s right. We can’t just jump ahead. We have to watch the whole movie. Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark. Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.

 Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark. Yeah, sorry for clicking on that.

 Look. We keep procrastinating. We saw Back to the Future II, pigeons playing ping-pong, a bunch of countries that look like genitals and one guy whose genitals look like Denmark. Yeah, sorry for clicking on that. It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight? But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.

 Yeah, sorry for clicking on that. It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight? But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.

 It’s late. We’ve wasted hours. Can we please find it in ourselves to do any amount of work tonight? But we didn’t see them bust one ghost.

 She doesn’t flirt with doctors. Yeah. It’s all very professional. You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt? Okay, good.

 Yeah. It’s all very professional. You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt? Okay, good.

 You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt? Okay, good.

 You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt? Okay, good. Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon? Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.

 Okay, good. Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon? Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.

 Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon? Oh, yeah, I’d have to say it’s the most exiting time in the history of the field.

 I started doing it. You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter. Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines. You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.

 You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter. Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines. You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.

 Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines. You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.

 You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.

 Yeah, I’ve read about that, they’re sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines. You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well. Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine? Why not?

 You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big, not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well. Wait, hang on, you guys are gonna work in a mine? Why not?

 Perhaps the emotion you’re referring to was shock at you having something cleaned. I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time. Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.

 I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny, it’s like a cat riding a Roomba.If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time. Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.

If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time. Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.

 Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.

If they get scared, they’ll have those hats with the lights on them, ’cause down there it’s night-night all the time. Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo. Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.Are they making fun of us?

 Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo. Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.Are they making fun of us?

 Yeah, it’ll help them get away when they see a g-g-ghost.Are they making fun of us?

 I don’t, either. Great. Thank you. Can you pass the salt, please? Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.

 Great. Thank you. Can you pass the salt, please? Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.

 Sure. In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.

 Hey, Sheldon, you busy? I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies. Don’t they lay eggs on a rock? Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?

 I’m always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I’m attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I’m composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I’ve solved the Penrose conjecture, and I’m wondering how mermaids have babies. Don’t they lay eggs on a rock? Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?

 Don’t they lay eggs on a rock? Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want?

 Don’t they lay eggs on a rock? Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want? So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees. Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

 Now I’ve got room for another thing. What do you want? So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees. Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

 So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees. Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next.

 So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right, sounds pretty rough down there. For starters, it’s very humid, and about a hundred degrees. Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next. It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance. Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

 Well, I’m from Texas and you’re from India, we’re no strangers to the fragrant armpit. Next. It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance. Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

 It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance. Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next.

 It’s also a live mine, so there’ll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance. Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next. Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time. Yeah? We have to be somewhere.

 Yeah, I have a lactose intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream. Next. Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time. Yeah? We have to be somewhere.

 Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time. Yeah? We have to be somewhere.

 Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time. Yeah? We have to be somewhere. Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket. So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.

 Yeah? We have to be somewhere. Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket. So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.

 Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket. So it’s settled, we’re not doing it.

 Well, there’s no toilets, we’ll have to do our business in a bucket. So it’s settled, we’re not doing it. Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment. Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

 So it’s settled, we’re not doing it. Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment. Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

 Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment. Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.

 Look, I get it, but before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment. Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it. Exactly. Very well.

 Interesting. You’re suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it. Exactly. Very well.

 Exactly. Very well. So where should we do it? Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.

 Very well. So where should we do it? Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.

 So where should we do it? Well, I’ll just Google hot, dark and moist, see what comes up.

 Most universities have them. When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority. Did you get in? No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores. Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

 Did you get in? No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores. Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

 No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores. Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.

 No. They forgot I was there. But it really opened up my pores. Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines. This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym. Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.

 Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines. This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym. Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.

 This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym. Plus, there’s almost no chance we’ll see any of our coworkers half naked.

 Or totally naked. I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame. All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule? Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time. We’re going to be fine.

 All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours. If we run into any problems, I’ll contact you. And if anything bad happens, what’s the rule? Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time. We’re going to be fine.

 Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time. We’re going to be fine.

 Save you first; come back for Raj only if there’s time. We’re going to be fine. Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this. Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.

 We’re going to be fine. Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this. Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.

 Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this. Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list.

 Sheldon, I’m really impressed you’re willing to try this. Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list. I’m sweating already. Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.

 Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets. That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that’s gonna rocket to the top of the list. I’m sweating already. Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.

 I’m sweating already. Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.

 I’m sweating already. Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know. How hot is it? Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.

 Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know. How hot is it? Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.

 How hot is it? Uh, let’s see. 704? No, wait, it’s on clock. Uh, the real answer isn’t much better. 102 degrees.

 Was it more or less than falconry school? For the tenth time, that was a Groupon. Like I would swing with him.

 For the tenth time, that was a Groupon. Like I would swing with him.

 How you feeling? Good. Little claustrophobic. Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it. Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.

 Good. Little claustrophobic. Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it. Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.

 Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it. Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.

 Let’s set up the equipment. It’ll help take your mind off of it. Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up. Do you know any mining songs? Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.

 Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up. Do you know any mining songs? Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.

 Do you know any mining songs? Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew.

 Do you know any mining songs? Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew. That’s pretty. Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.

 Just the hits. (Singing) Where it’s dark as a dungeon, and it’s damp as the dew. That’s pretty. Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.

 That’s pretty. Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine.

 That’s pretty. Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine. It’s a little more bleak than I thought. Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.

 Where the dangers are double, and the pleasures are few. Where the rain never falls and the sun never shines, yes, it’s dark as a dungeon way down in the mine. It’s a little more bleak than I thought. Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.

 It’s a little more bleak than I thought. Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal.

 It’s a little more bleak than I thought. Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal. Getting kind of grim. Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.

 Well, I pray when I’m dead and the ages shall roll, that my body will blacken and turn into coal. Getting kind of grim. Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.

 Getting kind of grim. Then I’ll look from the door of my heavenly home, and pity the miner that mines my poor bones.

 Well, don’t come crying to me when you don’t get your allowance. It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends. I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.

 It’s not an allowance. It’s a stipend, and we said we weren’t gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends. I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.

 I usually don’t like lemon bars, but these, these are really good.

 So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star. But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl. Which, I don’t have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache. That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig? But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses? He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

 That’s preposterous. How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig? But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses? He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

 But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses? He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.

 But you’re okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses? He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality. You guys doing okay down there? I told you to use the walkie-talkie!

 He doesn’t just put on a pair of glasses. He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality. You guys doing okay down there? I told you to use the walkie-talkie!

 You guys doing okay down there? I told you to use the walkie-talkie!

 You guys doing okay down there? I told you to use the walkie-talkie! You guys doing okay down there? Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.

 I told you to use the walkie-talkie! You guys doing okay down there? Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.

 You guys doing okay down there? Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you.

 Please keep this channel clear for emergencies. Thank you. I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything? This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought. Okay, just checking.

 I’m going to the vending machine. Do you want anything? This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought. Okay, just checking.

 This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought. Okay, just checking.

 This is a simulation. We have to survive on the supplies we brought. Okay, just checking. We should have asked her to get some Funyuns. You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.

 Okay, just checking. We should have asked her to get some Funyuns. You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.

 We should have asked her to get some Funyuns. You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth.

 We should have asked her to get some Funyuns. You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth. What if we brought them down with us? We’ll take some Funyuns.

 You’re not going to have Funyuns when we’re a mile below the surface of the Earth. What if we brought them down with us? We’ll take some Funyuns.

 I’m not a baby. I’m a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where’s my star? Should we go? Hang on. I want to see if he gets the star.

 Oh, this heat is brutal. As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature. Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings. My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

 As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature. Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings. My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

 Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings. My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.

 Huh. That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me. Let’s get our minds off how uncomfortable we are. We could take some more simulated instrument readings. My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay. How’s that going? You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.

 My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay. How’s that going? You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.

 How’s that going? You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.

 How’s that going? You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs. Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop. We’re not stopping.

 You tell me. I feel like I can’t breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs. Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop. We’re not stopping.

 Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop. We’re not stopping. You don’t have to bite my head off. I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.

 We’re not stopping. You don’t have to bite my head off. I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.

 You don’t have to bite my head off. I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle.

 You don’t have to bite my head off. I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle. If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable. My struggle is emotional.

 I apologize. I just, I’m plagued by an internal struggle. If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable. My struggle is emotional.

 If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable. My struggle is emotional.

 If you would just use the bucket, you’d be so much more comfortable. My struggle is emotional. Oh. Is it Amy? It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.

 My struggle is emotional. Oh. Is it Amy? It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.

 Oh. Is it Amy? It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening.

 Oh. Is it Amy? It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening. Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager. Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?

 It’s dark matter. When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy. I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory. Now here I am in my 30s, I’m back at square one. And, frankly, it’s frightening. Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager. Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?

 Sheldon, you know what I think of when I’m scared? Voyager. Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?

 Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show? The space probe. Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show. By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.

 The space probe. Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show. By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.

 Good. Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show. By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.

 By the time I was born, Voyager 1’s mission was supposed to be over. It had seen Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going. When I left India for America, I was never more scared in my life. I had no idea what lay ahead. Whenever I feel that way, I think about how Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could. Don’t leave. You can do this.

 Now, let’s talk about your birthday party. Ooh, laser tag, laser tag. Oh.

 Maybe it’s different in the world of sales, but it’s already hard enough for women to be taken seriously in science. I was kind of excited about the article, but now you’re making me feel bad. No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would’ve become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.

 I was kind of excited about the article, but now you’re making me feel bad. No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would’ve become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.

 No, I think you should do whatever you want. You know, maybe if fashion magazines had female scientists in them, I would’ve become a theoretical physicist. Stop smirking at each other.

 Thank you. No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know. I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients. That’s humorous.

 No, thank you. Delivery men are the unsung foot soldiers of our nation’s commerce. It’s because of people like you, people like me can limit our human contact. I’d shake your hand, but, well, you know. I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients. That’s humorous.

 I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients. That’s humorous.

 I’m not a delivery man, I’m a doctor. Although I do often deliver alarming biopsy results to my patients. That’s humorous. All right. Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.

 That’s humorous. All right. Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.

 All right. Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous.

 All right. Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous. All right. Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.

 Yeah, I bet you leave your patients in stitches. That was also humorous. All right. Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.

 All right. Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke.

 All right. Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke. All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office. Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

 Are you bringing flowers to a patient to cushion the blow of a terminal diagnosis? That wasn’t a joke. All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office. Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

 All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office. Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you.

 All right. These are actually for a nice woman who makes sales calls to my office. Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you. I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door. Making the extra effort. Good for you.

 Hmm. You know, they have delivery people that will do that for you. I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door. Making the extra effort. Good for you.

 I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door. Making the extra effort. Good for you.

 I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up unannounced at her door. Making the extra effort. Good for you. Great timing, food just got here. Ooh, Siam Palace?

 Making the extra effort. Good for you. Great timing, food just got here. Ooh, Siam Palace?

 Great timing, food just got here. Ooh, Siam Palace? Yes. Uh, mee krob and chicken satay?

 Yes. Uh, mee krob and chicken satay? Yes. Uh, extra peanut sauce?

 Yes. Uh, extra peanut sauce? No, but you can have mine. Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

 Uh, extra peanut sauce? No, but you can have mine. Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

 No, but you can have mine. Eh, well, very well. Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there is a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fiancée as we speak.

 When will I learn? It’s just like the cute girl at the pet store all over again. Excuse me? Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man. Thank you. Sorry.

 Excuse me? Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man. Thank you. Sorry.

 Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man. Thank you. Sorry.

 Oh, uh, she touched my arm for five Mississippis, and I bought a two thousand dollar iguana habitat. Which she was always too busy to come over and see. You give these to Penny. You’re a, you’re a lucky man. Thank you. Sorry. Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic. Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

 Thank you. Sorry. Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic. Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

 Oh, uh, you probably don’t want her to see this. It’s unnecessarily graphic. Hold on, Doctor. Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

 Uh, you, you want to see James Cameron’s kidney stone? Ooh. He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator. That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?

 Ooh. He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator. That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?

 He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator. That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?

 Preach. Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?

 Can I ask you a personal question? Sure. Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?

 Sure. Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?

 Um, I mean, you’re a guy like me, so how’d you get a girl like Penny?

 Well, that didn’t go your way. Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here? Uh, well, actually I came to see you. Really? Why?

 Dr. Lorvis, what are you doing here? Uh, well, actually I came to see you. Really? Why?

 You touched my arm for two Mississippis. Oh. That’s why you were mumbling Mississippi. Can we talk in private? Please, yes.

 Oh. That’s why you were mumbling Mississippi. Can we talk in private? Please, yes.

 All right, I’ll get rid of him. But you owe me one. Hey, we’re going to Oliver’s house to see his collection. You want to go with us? Yeah, sure. You owe me.

 Hey, we’re going to Oliver’s house to see his collection. You want to go with us? Yeah, sure. You owe me.

 Oliver, I’m going to play bingo. Okay, Mother. Have fun. Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right? Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.

 Okay, Mother. Have fun. Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right? Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.

 Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right? Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond.

 Still lives with his ma. Yikes, right? Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond. Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid. Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?

 Yeah, I’m not quite sure how to respond. Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid. Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?

 Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid. Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man?

 Wow, Donkey Kong. This, this was my game when I was a kid. Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man? No, because I liked it. Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.

 Because it’s a story of a pretty blonde girl tirelessly pursued by a small, oddly-shaped man? No, because I liked it. Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.

 No, because I liked it. Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl.

 No, because I liked it. Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl. So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny. Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

 Well, now, don’t get defensive. You’re oddly-shaped, but you got the girl. So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny. Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

 So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny. Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure.

 So, I’ve noticed Leonard gets teased a lot 0about his relationship with Penny. Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure. So, you think she’ll be single soon? Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.

 Yes. If you’d like to join in, the premise is their love seems unlikely and doomed to failure. So, you think she’ll be single soon? Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.

 So, you think she’ll be single soon? Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased.

 So, you think she’ll be single soon? Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased. Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something. Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.

 Oh, if you want to get in on the pool, you’re too late. All the squares have been purchased. Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something. Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.

 Interesting. Excuse me, I have to take care of something. Leonard, as your friend I feel I should tell you something.

 I guess so. Well, I hope you get it. One Mississippi, two Mississippi.

 I wonder where Dr. Lorvis is. He’s been gone a while. Maybe he’s playing bingo with his mommy. It’s sad how some guys can’t cut the apron strings. Okay, now you’re messing with me.

 Maybe he’s playing bingo with his mommy. It’s sad how some guys can’t cut the apron strings. Okay, now you’re messing with me.

 It’s sad how some guys can’t cut the apron strings. Okay, now you’re messing with me.

 Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas who aren’t dating. Like who? Like you and your dog. Don’t rule out the dating.

 Like you and your dog. Don’t rule out the dating. Fine, it bothers me. You happy? You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.

 Don’t rule out the dating. Fine, it bothers me. You happy? You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.

 Fine, it bothers me. You happy? You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape.

 Fine, it bothers me. You happy? You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape. How is this helpful? All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.

 You think you’ve got problems. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family not classified as a great ape. How is this helpful? All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.

 How is this helpful? All the non-human apes are classified as great apes except one. That means taxonomists created the entire category of lesser ape just to single out the poor gibbon as the weird kid on the playground. Now there’s a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.

 Hey, where’s Bernadette? She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing. Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster. Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.

 She and Amy are out dress shopping for their prom thing. Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster. Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.

 Oh, yeah, I got that Evite. Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I’ve wanted to go to an American prom. But then I saw Carrie, and I did not want to go to an American prom. But then I saw Never Been Kissed, and I’m back on the prom bandwagon. This prom thing’s been a real roller coaster. Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.

 Bernie’s really excited. I could tell because her voice got so high, the beagle next door started howling.

 You knocked more than usual. Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank. Okay, what’s up? I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.

 Next time I might be in a rush, it’s good to have a few in the bank. Okay, what’s up? I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.

 Okay, what’s up? I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it.

 Okay, what’s up? I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it. Great, how? We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 I’d like to discuss this party that Amy and Bernadette are throwing. Since you and I are both reluctant to go, I think I’ve come up with a perfect way for us to enjoy it. Great, how? We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 Great, how? We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 Great, how? We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Okay, just one question. What? My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.

 We pretend we’re aliens. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I’m gonna say that you love it and want to hear more. Now, in the beloved novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, an alien named Ford Prefect pretended to be human in order to blend in so that he could write an entry about Earth for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which is a travel book within the actual book, which is also called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Okay, just one question. What? My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.

 Okay, just one question. What? My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up.

 Okay, just one question. What? My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up. Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy? There are post-prom mating rituals?

 My point is, pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I’ve used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha Three was in the audience. Oh, don’t worry, he gave you seven thumbs up. Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy? There are post-prom mating rituals?

 Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy? There are post-prom mating rituals?

 Here’s a question, as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy? There are post-prom mating rituals? Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always. Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.

 There are post-prom mating rituals? Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always. Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.

 Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always. Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it.

 Well, if it’s part of the prom experience, then I’m open to it. You’re kidding. I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.

 You’re kidding. I may be an alien, but I have urges. If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I’m not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you’re a little turned on.

 You know, if you’re not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons. Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on. Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him. His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

 Bruce Wayne doesn’t wear a clip-on. Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him. His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

 Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him. His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

 Bruce Wayne doesn’t make his roommate tie it for him. His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does. There, perfect. What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.

 His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does. There, perfect. What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.

 There, perfect. What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly.

 There, perfect. What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly. I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien. I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

 What, are you sure? It’s my first prom, I want to do it correctly. I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien. I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

 I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien. I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

 I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien. I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody. Was that a flask? Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.

 I was, but Penny didn’t want to. You didn’t want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn’t want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody. Was that a flask? Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.

 Was that a flask? Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch.

 Was that a flask? Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch. You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch? Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.

 Yes. I’ve decided to embrace all of the traditions associated with prom, including spiking the punch. You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch? Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.

 You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch? Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants.

 You’re gonna put alcohol in the punch? Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants. If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight? Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.

 Oh, no, this is pomegranate juice. It’s all the fun of high school high jinks with the cell-protecting zip of antioxidants. If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight? Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.

 If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight? Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook.

 If you had ripped jeans and a leather jacket, you’d be like the toughest kid on the Disney Channel. So, anything else planned for tonight? Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook. And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to. Why would you say that?

 Oh, everything. Getting our picture taken, slow-dancing, being elected prom king. Pointing out that kings aren’t elected. It’s gonna be off the hook. And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to. Why would you say that?

 And while you’re at it, I know that at this age your hormones are raging, but just because all your friends are having sex doesn’t mean you have to. Why would you say that?

 Sheldon, you look so handsome. Thank you. Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin. What’s that?

 Thank you. Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin. What’s that?

 Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin. What’s that?

 Sheldon, doesn’t Amy look hot? That’s got to put some starch in the upper flermin. What’s that? Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing. Excuse me.

 What’s that? Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing. Excuse me.

 Oh, it’s a scaly genital organ that grows between his shoulder blades. Try not to touch it when you’re dancing. Excuse me.

 Very funny. Well, you wouldn’t have asked me either. I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.

 Well, you wouldn’t have asked me either. I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.

 I would have asked you. In my head. On the way home. While I was having a good cry.

 Sheldon, can I come in? I don’t think that’s a good idea. Why not? According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.

 I don’t think that’s a good idea. Why not? According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.

 Why not? According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day.

 Why not? According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day. You’re making me worry. What’s going on? What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.

 According to an online message board, I may be having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 had similar symptoms. But to be fair, the twins were a real handful that day. You’re making me worry. What’s going on? What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.

 You’re making me worry. What’s going on? What’s going on is we’re about to go to a prom. And there’s a great deal of pressure on young couples like us to engage in what Mr. Bob Eubanks called making whoopee.

 Sheldon, this is silly. I’m not missing another prom. I’m going upstairs now. Good-bye. I really did think you looked pretty. You did? Yes. So much so that I started to panic.

 I really did think you looked pretty. You did? Yes. So much so that I started to panic.

 You did? Yes. So much so that I started to panic. Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together. Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?

 Yes. So much so that I started to panic. Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together. Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?

 Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together. Were you hoping we would because it’s prom?

 Well, you can relax. Just because you think I look pretty doesn’t mean we have to spend the night together. Were you hoping we would because it’s prom? I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms. Thank you for understanding.

 Were you hoping we would because it’s prom? I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms. Thank you for understanding.

 I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms. Thank you for understanding.

 I’m always hoping. But tonight I just wanted to have a nice time with you. And maybe dance with someone who has arms. Thank you for understanding. Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates… I love you, too.

 Thank you for understanding. Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates… I love you, too.

 Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates… I love you, too.

 Of course I understand. Sheldon, there’s something else I’ve been wanting to say, but before I do, I just, I want you to know that you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re not ready, and I don’t want you to say it just because social convention dictates… I love you, too. You said it. There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.

 I love you, too. You said it. There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.

 You said it. There’s no denying I have feelings for you that can’t be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more farfetched. The only conclusion was love. I know what’s happening. This is a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down with your feet elevated.

 Oh, sorry. Hang on, sorry. (On phone) Hey, Debbie. I, yeah, yeah, I’m here with Jeanie. Okay, but we’re just friends. It’s, yeah. I got to go.

 This is an easy one. You love this guy. Me. Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius. Still think it’s me.

 Me. Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius. Still think it’s me.

 Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius. Still think it’s me.

 Come on, he’s an under-appreciated genius. Still think it’s me. It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him. Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.

 Still think it’s me. It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him. Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.

 It’s not you. Now think, there’s a car named after him. Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me.

 Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, ’cause it’s me. How about this, he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper. Oh, Tesla. Hi.

 How about this, he’s a poor man’s Sheldon Cooper. Oh, Tesla. Hi.

 Hey, how did it go? Oh, not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses. Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka. Did they figure out what’s wrong?

 Oh, not fun. The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses. Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka. Did they figure out what’s wrong?

 Yeah, I watched. It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka. Did they figure out what’s wrong?

 Did they figure out what’s wrong? Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week. Why would you have surgery? Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.

 Yeah. It’s a deviated septum. The surgery to correct it is simple. He’s gonna do it next week. Why would you have surgery? Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.

 Why would you have surgery? Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections.

 Why would you have surgery? Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections. Yeah, back off, he’s all mine. But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?

 Because I can’t breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections. Yeah, back off, he’s all mine. But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?

 Yeah, back off, he’s all mine. But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery?

 Yeah, back off, he’s all mine. But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery? Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring. Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

 But you don’t have a life-threatening condition. Why would you take the risk of surgery? Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring. Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

 Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring. Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine.

 Sheldon, it’s a routine procedure, I’ve heard you complain about his snoring. Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine. Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story. Very well. I’m done talking about it.

 Yes, for the first five or six years, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He’s like my mucus-powered white noise machine. Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story. Very well. I’m done talking about it.

 Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story. Very well. I’m done talking about it.

 Sheldon, I’m gonna get the surgery, it’s no big deal. End of story. Very well. I’m done talking about it. Thank you. I believe it was your turn in the game.

 Very well. I’m done talking about it. Thank you. I believe it was your turn in the game.

 Thank you. I believe it was your turn in the game. Okay. Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.

 I believe it was your turn in the game. Okay. Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.

 Okay. Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.

 Let’s see. Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak. I think you could give a better clue. I don’t. I’m not even sure if that’s a person or a typo.

 I think you could give a better clue. I don’t. I’m not even sure if that’s a person or a typo.

 Okay, why? I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it. If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman? Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

 I’m listening to you snore. I’m wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it. If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman? Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

 If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman? Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep?

 If it helps you sleep, then why are you sitting here staring at me like the albino boogeyman? Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep? What’s your problem? If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

 Really Leonard. Insults? After I spent two hours in your closet, waiting for you to fall asleep? What’s your problem? If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

 What’s your problem? If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone.

 What’s your problem? If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone. It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest. I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.

 If the surgery is successful, the snoring is gone. And if you die during surgery, the snoring is gone. It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest. I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.

 It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest. I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried.

 It sounds like either way, I finally get some rest. I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried. I told you, there’s nothing to worry about. Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.

 I have to be honest with you Leonard, I’m truly worried. I told you, there’s nothing to worry about. Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.

 I told you, there’s nothing to worry about. Well, I’ve been doing some research and I’ve learned that one in 700,000 people die from general anaesthesia.

 He said that to her? Well, they weren’t speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you. They’re yours in the divorce.

 Well, they weren’t speaking at the time, so he had a servant say it to her. Oh, maybe I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys love the coasters I made for you. They’re yours in the divorce.

 Hey. What’re you working on? Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying? Yeah? Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

 Remember when I said if you went through with your surgery, there was a one-in-700,000 chance of dying? Yeah? Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

 Yeah? Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300.

 Yeah? Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300. Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on. Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

 Well, I’ve been crunching the numbers, and so far, I’ve gotten your probability of death all the way to a sphincter-tightening one in 300. Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on. Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

 Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on. Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves?

 Great timing. My check sphincter light just went on. Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves? I’m not allergic to latex. Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

 Leonard, what if you have an allergic reaction to the surgeon’s latex gloves? I’m not allergic to latex. Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

 I’m not allergic to latex. Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes?

 I’m not allergic to latex. Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes? For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net. Fine. What about epilepsy?

 Well, then why don’t you wear the rubber gloves I bought for you to do the dishes? For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net. Fine. What about epilepsy?

 For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net. Fine. What about epilepsy?

 For the same reason I don’t wear the apron or the hair net. Fine. What about epilepsy? I don’t have epilepsy, either. You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

 Fine. What about epilepsy? I don’t have epilepsy, either. You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

 I don’t have epilepsy, either. You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland.

 I don’t have epilepsy, either. You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

 You don’t, but the surgeon might, hmm? And your carotid artery is just one shaky scalpel away from becoming the dancing fountain at Disneyland. Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

 Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life.

 Sheldon, do you realize that driving is riskier than surgery? I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life. Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die. You don’t know that.

 I do. I have the drive to the hospital right here. That is if you make it to the car without falling down the stairs. And don’t expect me to carry you, I do that enough in life. Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die. You don’t know that.

 Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die. You don’t know that.

 Buddy, I, I get that you’re worried about me and I, I appreciate that, but I’m not going to die. You don’t know that. Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike. You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

 You don’t know that. Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike. You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

 Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike. You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

 Well, I do know that it won’t be from an asteroid strike. You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car. If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too? I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.

 You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car. If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too? I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.

 If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die, too? I don’t know, I’m smart and scrappy, I think I’d find a way.

 Okay. And Sheldon really believes we’re at a public swimming pool? He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.

 He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be floating around in, he didn’t even question it.

 Don’t worry about that. I’m happy to take you to work. Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl. It’s nice they’re getting exercise. Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.

 Well, thank you. And Leonard never lets me have French toast sticks in the car. I can’t have syrupy fingers, but he can do the backstroke in a toilet bowl. It’s nice they’re getting exercise. Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.

 It’s nice they’re getting exercise. Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt.

 It’s nice they’re getting exercise. Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt. I’m sure he brought it. No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.

 Although now that I think about it, Leonard would never go swimming in public without his swim shirt. I’m sure he brought it. No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.

 I’m sure he brought it. No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it.

 I’m sure he brought it. No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it. He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it. You’re acting odd. Why?

 No, but last year, at Magic Mountain, he got such a bad sunburn, we had to cut him out of it. He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it. You’re acting odd. Why?

 He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it. You’re acting odd. Why?

 He probably got a new one. Finish your breakfast. Look, there’s an entire section of my dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it. You’re acting odd. Why? I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Tell me the truth.

 You’re acting odd. Why? I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Tell me the truth.

 I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Tell me the truth.

 I’m odd all the time, everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. Tell me the truth. Twenty eight. Come on.

 Fifty six. Amy. What’s going on? All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now. I see. Take me to Leonard.

 Amy. What’s going on? All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now. I see. Take me to Leonard.

 All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now. I see. Take me to Leonard.

 All right. Don’t get upset, but, an earlier appointment opened up for Leonard and he’s getting the surgery right now. I see. Take me to Leonard. Just go to work, he’ll be fine. Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.

 I see. Take me to Leonard. Just go to work, he’ll be fine. Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.

 Just go to work, he’ll be fine. Amy, he’s my best friend, and if you don’t take me, I’m going there anyway.

 Fine. It’s sweet that you care about him so much. I do. And I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn’t at his bedside to say I told you so.

 Oh, stop it. I assume this medical centre’s already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire. ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar? That’s for the fire marshal to determine. You had to tell him?

 ‘Cause I’m a liar, liar? That’s for the fire marshal to determine. You had to tell him?

 That’s for the fire marshal to determine. You had to tell him? He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today. Is he okay?

 You had to tell him? He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today. Is he okay?

 He wore me down. And I was distracted, he has on extra baby powder today. Is he okay?

 Is he okay? He’s still in surgery. Very well. He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky.

 He’s still in surgery. Very well. He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky.

 Very well. He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky. Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery. That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

 He’s gonna be all right. That is sticky. Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery. That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

 Come on, let’s talk about something other than the surgery. That’s a good idea. Penny, did you and Leonard ever discuss funeral arrangements?

 Sorry, Raj. Do you have any sense of what happened with your folks? I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew. It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?

 I think, over time, they started to resent each other, and instead of talking about the things that bothered them, they kept it bottled up, and the hate just grew. It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?

 It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. But sometimes, there’s muffin you can do about it. You get it, right?

 Oh, it’s nice you got him that. Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me. Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in. You know those confounded things make me dizzy.

 Oh, this isn’t for Leonard, no. Amy bought it for me. Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in. You know those confounded things make me dizzy.

 Stubbed his toe on the revolving door on the way in. You know those confounded things make me dizzy.

 You know those confounded things make me dizzy. Who told you to keep going around? There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside. Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.

 Who told you to keep going around? There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside. Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.

 There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside. Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.

 Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time.

 There was a large plant in the lobby. It kept looking like the outside. Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time. Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself. It was like a grapefruit.

 Okay, listen, when Leonard comes out, he is not gonna feel great, so, please don’t give him a hard time. Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself. It was like a grapefruit.

 Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself. It was like a grapefruit.

 Penny has a good point. This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you’re thinking, just keep it to yourself. It was like a grapefruit. And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it. Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.

 It was like a grapefruit. And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it. Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.

 And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it. Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me.

 And I’m sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it. Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me. Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.

 Well, I’m not making any promises. Not only did Leonard take what I feel is an unnecessary risk, he deceived me. Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.

 Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was.

 Okay, the reason he deceived you is you were being a pain in the ass. The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was. Really? You won’t even say A? You bet your sweet B I won’t.

 The reason I was being a pain in the B is because I was worried about him, and no one else was. Really? You won’t even say A? You bet your sweet B I won’t.

 Really? You won’t even say A? You bet your sweet B I won’t. Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.

 You bet your sweet B I won’t. Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.

 Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it.

 Obviously, I care about Leonard. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him. And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it. Sheldon, it was just a little tremor. A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.

 And I’m not? It’s an earthquake. I knew it. Sheldon, it was just a little tremor. A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.

 Sheldon, it was just a little tremor. A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay.

 Sheldon, it was just a little tremor. A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay. Sheldon, you can’t go back there. Try and stop me.

 A little tremor that turns routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. Oh, I don’t care for this at all. Oh, I need to see he’s okay. Sheldon, you can’t go back there. Try and stop me.

 I love that I’m kind of a slob around here, and you’re okay with that. Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that. See, I am. Isn’t this great?

 Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning, and you’re okay with that. See, I am. Isn’t this great?

 Come on, smile. This is gonna be my Christmas card. You know this is all your fault. How is it my fault? I told you not to get the surgery.

 You know this is all your fault. How is it my fault? I told you not to get the surgery.

 Okay, first of all, the surgery was a success, and secondly, I didn’t even want you there. Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you. Don’t be like that. You two need to talk this out. Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.

 Wow. I don’t know which hurts worse, my nose or my heart. Well, I’m done speaking to you. Don’t be like that. You two need to talk this out. Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.

 Don’t be like that. You two need to talk this out. Yeah, ’cause you sound really funny.

 Oh, you’re hardly out of the woods, no. You still run the risk of infection, a blood clot, the possibility that an inattentive surgeon let a barn spider lay eggs in your nose. The minute you sneeze web, I’m moving out. I never thought I’d say these words, but come on, nose spider. Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him. Sheldon will move out eventually.

 I never thought I’d say these words, but come on, nose spider. Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him. Sheldon will move out eventually.

 Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him. Sheldon will move out eventually.

 Who are you kidding? You were so panicked Leonard was gonna die, you’ll never leave him. Sheldon will move out eventually. Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door. I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.

 Sheldon will move out eventually. Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door. I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.

 Yeah, once he figures out how to work a door. I was not panicked, and I am not overly attached to Leonard.

 Pretty good. She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and used it to set my father’s Mercedes on fire. So, what’s up with you guys? We’re just saying all the things we love about each other. Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy.

 We’re just saying all the things we love about each other. Oh, like you and I did at couples therapy.

 Oh, I ordered it before your surgery. It’s the urn I was going to put you in. Okay, that’s morbid. Send it back. I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.” That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.

 Okay, that’s morbid. Send it back. I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.” That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.

 I can’t send it back, I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his room mate knew better.” That’s funny. Boy, I’m gonna miss these painkillers.

 Hey, why did you get two? I’m with stupid. Oh, that one’s mine.

 I know I was thinking that. Is this a show on flags or mind reading? But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend. And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. So as they say, all good things must come to an end.

 But the truth is I can no longer balance a full-time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend. And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. So as they say, all good things must come to an end.

 And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. So as they say, all good things must come to an end.

 And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board. So as they say, all good things must come to an end. After only 232 episodes. 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.

 So as they say, all good things must come to an end. After only 232 episodes. 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.

 After only 232 episodes. 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.

 After only 232 episodes. 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on. You said you weren’t gonna bring that up. And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on. You said you weren’t gonna bring that up. And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

 You said you weren’t gonna bring that up. And you said you pressed record. Anyway, please sit back, relax, and join us as we take our final lap, as indicated by the waving of this racing flag. And, of course, white flags can also represent surrender, the Stewards of Gondor, and the Japanese Minamoto clan, but I’m sure you remember that from episode sixty-two, White Flags, Who’s Wavin’ ‘Em and Why?

 Hey, what are you talking about? Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?

 Oh. We were just talking about how much we love working with you. Isn’t that right? Dan?

 Over the years here at Fun With Flags, we’ve had an opportunity to learn, laugh, wonder. And, yes, even shed a tear or two. Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

 And, yes, even shed a tear or two. Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

 Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

 Like when you do a two-hour Fourth of July spectacular and it doesn’t get recorded. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights. Crikey, what flag do we have today?

 How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights. Crikey, what flag do we have today?

 How about four thousand. One for every domino I set up to make that American flag. Please enjoy these highlights. Crikey, what flag do we have today?

 Crikey, what flag do we have today? Australia, mate. And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag. Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.

 Australia, mate. And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag. Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.

 And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag. Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this.

 And now it’s time for the speed round of Flag or Not a Flag. Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this. Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

 Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this. Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

 Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock.

 Fwag, fwag, not a fwag, fwag, I am cwushing this. Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock. Then who did sew it, hmm?

 Say, Betsy Ross, what you working on? I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock. Then who did sew it, hmm?

 I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock. Then who did sew it, hmm?

 I have no idea. Because the story of me sewing the first American flag is unsupported poppycock. Then who did sew it, hmm? Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck. Fancy a dip, my dear?

 Then who did sew it, hmm? Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck. Fancy a dip, my dear?

 Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck. Fancy a dip, my dear?

 Don’t ask me. I’m just a simple seamstress whose descendants are out to make a quick buck. Fancy a dip, my dear? I do. Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

 Fancy a dip, my dear? I do. Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

 I do. Wait, that purple flag indicates that marine pests, such as jellyfish, are present.

 Yes, but once in a while, people think you’re a little mean. Oh, yeah? You one of those people? No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing.

 Oh, yeah? You one of those people? No. No, no, no. I think the cookie thing.

 Action. Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton. Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal. You do this, I delete your contact information.

 Welcome back. Our guest today is a returning fan favourite. He puts the reading in your rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte, Mr. LeVar Burton. Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal. You do this, I delete your contact information.

 Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal. You do this, I delete your contact information.

 Thank you, Sheldon. Now, remember our deal. You do this, I delete your contact information. While? While you watch me do it.

 You do this, I delete your contact information. While? While you watch me do it.

 While? While you watch me do it. Great. Happy to be back. Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

 While you watch me do it. Great. Happy to be back. Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

 Great. Happy to be back. Well, since you’re here, I’d like to get your opinion on something. In honour of Black History Month, I portrayed George Washington Carver in a loving tribute that my roommate called wildly racist. What do you think? (On recording) Hi. My name is George.

 I guess that would be all right. See? You don’t have to be mean to get what you want. You’re right. Now where did we land on my bathroom?

 See? You don’t have to be mean to get what you want. You’re right. Now where did we land on my bathroom?

 Hey. Hello. How come you’re up so late? I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

 Hello. How come you’re up so late? I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

 How come you’re up so late? I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing.

 How come you’re up so late? I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing. Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking. It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

 I posted the last episode of Fun with Flags hours ago, and not a single person cared enough to comment. All that effort for nothing. Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking. It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

 Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking. It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all.

 Mm. I know how you feel. I spent the day throwing out a man’s entire career, and all that’s left is an old bottle of champagne and a naked lady pen that Raj took when he thought no one was looking. It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all. Sad? Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.

 It’s not the same thing. I don’t think you know how I feel at all. Sad? Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment.

 Sad? Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment. Yeah. What did they say? Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

 Hmm. You do get me. Someone left a comment. Yeah. What did they say? Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

 Yeah. What did they say? Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back.

 Yeah. What did they say? Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back. Congratulations. Let’s celebrate.

 Too bad your show is done. I kind of liked it. Leonard, did you hear that? Oh, the people are heartbroken. I can’t take this away from the world. Fun with Flags is back. Congratulations. Let’s celebrate.

 Sheldon, that wasn’t for you. Oh, no, I’m not going to drink it. I just wanted to hear the pop. Yeah, I knew it was coming. Still scary.

 You told me not to call, and I didn’t know how else to give you the good news. Fun with Flags is back, and you can be in the next episode. Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate. You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk

 Wil Wheaton said, get a gate. I don’t know why I didn’t get a gate. You, at least listen to the premise. Since you were born in Germany, I thought we could talk

 Hey, how are things going with your parents? You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk. You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon. Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?

 You know, speaking of attorneys, if I ever needed a lawyer, I would not hire She-Hulk. You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon. Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?

 You know what? That was almost on topic. I’m gonna say good job, Sheldon. Wait, She-Hulk’s a lawyer?

 Yes, but she’s the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall, I think she’s an affirmative action hire. Anyway, Dad’s gonna be here in town, so I won’t be able to do Christmas dinner this year. If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father. That would be nice.

 Anyway, Dad’s gonna be here in town, so I won’t be able to do Christmas dinner this year. If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father. That would be nice.

 If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father. That would be nice.

 If you’re not up to hosting Christmas dinner, I’m happy to do it. You can even bring your father. That would be nice. I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding. Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.

 That would be nice. I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding. Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.

 I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding. Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going.

 I’ve always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas. Parlour games, goose and figgy pudding. Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going. You’re going. Why do you hate me?

 Ugh. English pudding. You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I’m not going. You’re going. Why do you hate me?

 Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pulling on the reins. Yeah, I appreciate the ride. Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off? Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

 Yeah, I appreciate the ride. Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off? Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

 Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off? Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

 Bells are ringing, children singing, all is merry and bright. So hang your stockings and say your prayers ’cause Santa Claus is coming tonight. Why’d you turn it off? Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him. Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children. My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

 Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him. Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children. My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

 Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children. My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

 Maybe you’d like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children. My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma. Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy? Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.

 My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma. Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy? Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.

 Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy? Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts.

 Okay, new subject. Let’s talk about presents. What did you get Amy? Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts. Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something. Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

 Oh, we’re not exchanging gifts. Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something. Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

 Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something. Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

 Come on, Sheldon, you have to get her something. Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show. She’s just excited about the holidays. Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.

 Why should I? She knows that I don’t like Christmas, and yet, every year, she forces me to celebrate it. Not only am I going to this foolish dinner against my will, at the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show. She’s just excited about the holidays. Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.

 She’s just excited about the holidays. Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson.

 She’s just excited about the holidays. Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson. How? Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.

 Yes, and she’s not taking my feelings into account at all. Maybe it’s time I teach her a lesson. How? Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.

 How? Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good.

 How? Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good. What? I’m going to buy her a present.

 Hmm. It’d have to be something heinous, something that makes her as miserable as she’s making me. Oh, I’ve got it. This is good. What? I’m going to buy her a present.

 What? I’m going to buy her a present. Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that. With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.

 I’m going to buy her a present. Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that. With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.

 Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that. With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible.

 Yeah, you’re gonna have to walk me through that. With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible. Then you’re both sad? Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.

 With gift-giving, there’s an implied social contract. If I show up tonight with a present, and she doesn’t have one for me, she’ll feel terrible. Then you’re both sad? Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.

 Then you’re both sad? Yes. Maybe she’ll feel so guilty, she’ll never make me celebrate the holidays again.

 No, you’re the one who let him in. How do you know it wasn’t Leonard? Come on.

 What about that sweater? No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect. I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me. Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.

 No, it’s not good enough. It has to be perfect. I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me. Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.

 I think the nicest gifts I’ve got from Howie show how well he knows me. Hmm. Let’s see, what do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature, Chaucer’s her favourite. And her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she’s playing along.

 Oh, I guess that’s where Raj gets it from. Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working. Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.

 Well, he and his mother spent a lot of time together when he was young. I was always working. Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.

 Hey, you know, Raj is dating a doctor who works a lot. Him and his mom have a type. You, you got to laugh at that, right? No? All right.

 Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey.

 Oh. Oh, in that case, it was pretty good. You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose. It smelled too much like blue jay. Can I help you clean up?

 You feeling okay? You hardly touched your goose. It smelled too much like blue jay. Can I help you clean up?

 Can I help you clean up? Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good. Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts? Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.

 Oh, you Heimliched a ball of wool out of me; you’re good. Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts? Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.

 Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts? Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any.

 Uh, what do you say we exchange gifts? Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any. I thought you hate giving gifts. Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.

 Oh, Sheldon, we didn’t bring any. I thought you hate giving gifts. Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.

 I thought you hate giving gifts. Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this.

 I thought you hate giving gifts. Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this. You got me something? Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.

 Yeah, I do. Which is why I got Amy this. You got me something? Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.

 You got me something? Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it.

 You got me something? Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it. Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet. Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?

 Oh, not just something, no. It’s from the heart, it’s holiday-themed, and I swallowed the gift receipt so you cannot return it. Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet. Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?

 Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet. Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish?

 Look at you on Santa’s lap. That’s so sweet. Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish? No, I love it. Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.

 Of course it is. It’s the perfect gift. How are you feeling right now? Guilty? Sad? Wishing you were Jewish? No, I love it. Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.

 No, I love it. Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun.

 No, I love it. Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun. Actually, I did get you something. But what about our agreement?

 Oh, really? Well, how about now? (On recording) Happy holidays to my dear Amy. I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you. (Not on recording) And you got me nothing. Christmas is ruined. Let’s never speak of it again. Well, this was fun. Actually, I did get you something. But what about our agreement?

 Actually, I did get you something. But what about our agreement?

 Actually, I did get you something. But what about our agreement? Well, you got me something. Here. Cookies?

 But what about our agreement? Well, you got me something. Here. Cookies?

 Well, you got me something. Here. Cookies? They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe. They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.

 Cookies? They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe. They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.

 They’re your Meemaw’s Christmas cookies. I called and got the recipe. They’re perfect. It tastes like her hugs.

 One person is sent out of the room while the others hide a small item. Then they invite the first person back by saying hot boiled beans and bacon for supper, hurry up before it gets cold. If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you’re all crazy.

 If you people think this is better than Tom Hanks-giving, you’re all crazy.

 Well, I’d like to be green, but you know you always take it. That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow. Blue and yellow make green. Well, then it’s settled.

 That’s not true. Any colour’s fine with me. Yeah, I could be a-a combination of blue and yellow. Blue and yellow make green. Well, then it’s settled.

 Blue and yellow make green. Well, then it’s settled. Hi. Ready to go? Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.

 Well, then it’s settled. Hi. Ready to go? Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.

 Hi. Ready to go? Oh, good news, we ordered lunch, so we can all stay here and play Lord of the Rings Risk.

 Well, did you tell him that? Yes. Did you say it out loud with words? No.

 I don’t want to spend the whole day playing a board game. Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories. I will literally race you to the car. No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.

 Yeah, well, you may change your mind when you hear that this is the new expanded edition which contains a more complete map of Middle Earth, now including the Haradwaith Territories. I will literally race you to the car. No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.

 I will literally race you to the car. No, no, no, come on, don’t leave. Just try it.

 Oh, my favourite, George Lucas can talk all the way through Star Wars, I say one word and I’m banished to the kitchen. Yeah, today Amy and I are deciding what we’re all gonna do. You got it, you girls are in charge. Thank you.

 Yeah, today Amy and I are deciding what we’re all gonna do. You got it, you girls are in charge. Thank you.

 You got it, you girls are in charge. Thank you. Sheldon? Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.

 Thank you. Sheldon? Fine. Now that we’re not playing, you can be green.

 Three words, Doctor Who convention. I did not force you to go to that. You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up. I wasn’t gonna get beat up.

 I did not force you to go to that. You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up. I wasn’t gonna get beat up.

 You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up. I wasn’t gonna get beat up.

 You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie. I went so you didn’t get beat up. I wasn’t gonna get beat up. You were, but somehow I held myself back. You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.

 I wasn’t gonna get beat up. You were, but somehow I held myself back. You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.

 You were, but somehow I held myself back. You know what you could make us do? Ice-skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard’s asthma and it plays right into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.

 We hope. The signal has to travel over three billion miles. So it’s gonna be hours before we know if it even survived. Now we get to see him flip out because he’s worried it was demolished by space ice. Space ice is no joke. I can’t even watch Frozen anymore.

 Now we get to see him flip out because he’s worried it was demolished by space ice. Space ice is no joke. I can’t even watch Frozen anymore.

 Ooh, the philharmonic is playing Beethoven downtown. Before you say yes, it’s not the movie about the big dog. How come we can’t think of something we both want to do? Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.

 Before you say yes, it’s not the movie about the big dog. How come we can’t think of something we both want to do? Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.

 How come we can’t think of something we both want to do? Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.

 Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it.

 How come we can’t think of something we both want to do? Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it. Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy. You should point out the hypocrisy of that.

 Because you always pick what we do and I just go along with it. Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy. You should point out the hypocrisy of that.

 Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy. You should point out the hypocrisy of that.

 Ah, interesting, we’re being accused of making you do things you don’t like, and here you are, doing the same thing to poor Amy. You should point out the hypocrisy of that. That’s what I was doing. Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?

 You should point out the hypocrisy of that. That’s what I was doing. Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?

 That’s what I was doing. Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy?

 That’s what I was doing. Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy? All right, keep thinking. You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?

 Oh, that wasn’t clear. Try it again, but this time drive it home with how do you like them apples, Missy? All right, keep thinking. You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?

 All right, keep thinking. You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard?

 You’re making it too complicated. Why not stick to the basics? Go shopping for clothes while Leonard and I sit in those uncomfortable chairs and hold your purses, hmm? I know I’d hate that. Leonard? Well, yeah. Well, then, it’s settled? What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.

 Well, yeah. Well, then, it’s settled? What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.

 Well, then, it’s settled? What do you say? Sounds kind of perfect.

 I didn’t crash it, okay? My playlist was too up-tempo, I got light-headed and I fell off. Okay. It all comes down to this. You happy? Now you can relax. What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.

 You happy? Now you can relax. What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.

 What kind of scientist are you? Everyone knows you got to make two out of three.

 This isn’t so bad. That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties. You guys comfy? This might take a while. I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.

 That’s easy for you to say. Your chair’s not facing the lingerie section. Boy, that’s a lot of panties. You guys comfy? This might take a while. I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.

 You guys comfy? This might take a while. I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes.

 I don’t understand why women insist on making a big production out of buying clothes. No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston. They have a man there who understands my personal style. Bye.

 No, you’re right, we should do what you do. Have our mom send us pants from the Walmart in Houston. They have a man there who understands my personal style. Bye.

 They have a man there who understands my personal style. Bye. Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here. Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.

 Bye. Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here. Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.

 Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here. Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.

 Uh, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no cell service in here. Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented. That’s true. I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.

 Oh. Well, that’s all right. There were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented. That’s true. I’ll look them up. Son of a biscuit.

 Sheldon, it’s fine. No, it’s not fine. What kind of store in the 21st century doesn’t at least have Wi-Fi? I’m going to call their corporate office. Son of a biscuit.

 Okay. And to defend, I roll two sixes. I win. Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here. I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do. Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.

 Boy, double-sixes again. You know, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe it. I wonder how long we’re gonna be stuck here. I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do. Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.

 I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do. Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises.

 I don’t know, but the girls do a lot for us. It’s the least we can do. Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises. Look at you, being all mature. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.

 Oh, that’s true. I suppose it’s only fair we make compromises. Look at you, being all mature. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.

 Look at you, being all mature. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise.

 Look at you, being all mature. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise. I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me? All the time.

 I don’t know why you’re so surprised. If there’s one thing I know about after living with you for so many years, it’s how to compromise. I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me? All the time.

 I, I’m sorry? You make compromises for me? All the time. On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living? Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.

 All the time. On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living? Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.

 On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living? Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you.

 On Earth? In our lives? That, that, that we’re living? Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you. That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how. Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.

 Oh, yes. I, just yesterday, you had a, a big piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth at lunch. Did I say anything? No. I compromised and kept my mouth shut. Like you should’ve, because everyone was laughing at you. That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how. Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.

 That is not a compromise. A compromise is me driving you everywhere because you refuse to learn how. Oh, I learned how. Amy taught me.

 Is it my turn to talk about the compromises I make? I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising. Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak. Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.

 I wasn’t done, but go ahead. He said, compromising. Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak. Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.

 Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak. Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown.

 Because of you, I’m not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I’m not allowed to whistle. I don’t wear shoes that might squeak. Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown. Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you. Is that true?

 Well, you’re a physicist, not a circus clown. Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you. Is that true?

 Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you. Is that true?

 Sheldon, do you realize I don’t live with the woman I love because of you? No other reason. Just you. Is that true? Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away. Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.

 Is that true? Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away. Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.

 Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away. Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now.

 Yes, it’s true. The last time I brought it up, you had an emotional breakdown and got on a train and ran away. Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now. You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting. You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

 Well, given my history on the subject, t seems a little reckless to bring it up now. You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting. You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

 You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting. You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears.

 You have no idea how much you inconvenience the lives of everyone around you. It’s exhausting. You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears. Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while. Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.

 You know what? You think you’re so tolerant, but the truth is you’re mean to me a lot. Yeah, you think that I don’t notice all those sarcastic comments and those eye rolls, but I do. Hmm? I have excellent peripheral vision. On a good day, I can see my ears. Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while. Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.

 Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while. Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should.

 Sheldon, I, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I’ve been holding a lot of this in for a while. Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should. Do you mean that? Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.

 Well, I’m sorry, too. And if you want to live with Penny, then I think you should. Do you mean that? Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.

 Do you mean that? Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life.

 Do you mean that? Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life. Come on, don’t get upset. I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.

 Yes. Yeah, just put on your squeaky shoes and eee-eee-eee your way out of my life. Come on, don’t get upset. I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.

 Come on, don’t get upset. I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it.

 Come on, don’t get upset. I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it. Sheldon. It’s okay.

 I’m not upset. I’m just imagining a world without my best friend in it. Sheldon. It’s okay.

 I understand. Either way, I want you to know that I’m aware of how difficult I can be. So I just want to say thank you for putting up with me. Buddy. How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears? Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.

 Buddy. How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears? Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.

 How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears? Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.

 Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements.

 How are you guys getting along? What? Why are there tears? Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements. Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk. That’s exactly what I told him.

 Everything’s fine. We just started talking about living arrangements. Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk. That’s exactly what I told him.

 Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk. That’s exactly what I told him.

 Are you crazy? You know he’s a flight risk. That’s exactly what I told him. Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready. Well, what if you did it gradually?

 That’s exactly what I told him. Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready. Well, what if you did it gradually?

 Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready. Well, what if you did it gradually?

 Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard’s not gonna move out until you’re ready. Well, what if you did it gradually? All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny? How about one night and I let you whistle?

 Well, what if you did it gradually? All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny? How about one night and I let you whistle?

 All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny? How about one night and I let you whistle?

 All right. How about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny? How about one night and I let you whistle? Okay. When I’m not home.

 How about one night and I let you whistle? Okay. When I’m not home.

 Don’t tell Amy that. We’ll be here every Sunday. Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket. It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China. Very nice.

 Sheldon, that really is an excellent basket. It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China. Very nice.

 It’s not a basket. It’s a soldier’s helmet from 16th century China. Very nice.

 I know. I’m really proud of Sheldon. Yeah, I’m proud of him, too. Can you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep out here.

 Yeah, I’m proud of him, too. Can you keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep out here.

 Hello, can you hear me? Sheldon, I haven’t changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years. Uh, Bernadette’s nickname for you is the virgin piña colada. Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph. Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

 Uh, Bernadette’s nickname for you is the virgin piña colada. Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph. Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

 Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph. Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

 Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush.

 Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph. Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush. Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever. Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.

 Yeah, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall, so I used your toothbrush. Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever. Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.

 Ooh, and one time when you were asleep, Amy totally took off her… and that’s why you’re the best roommate ever. Aw, now I’m sad I didn’t hear it.

 So what do you need the headphones for? Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman. Is that why you had to take him to Office Depot last night? I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.

 Well, I’ve been struggling for months to come up with a theory of dark matter that doesn’t make protons decay. I’m hoping to finally tackle it by optimising my work environment. See, I’ve got, uh, my tea is at the perfect sipping temperature. Uh, I have fleece-lined boxer shorts to keep my tushie toasty. And then, oh, last but not least, this inspirational cat poster improved with the reassuring face of physics renegade Richard Feynman. Is that why you had to take him to Office Depot last night? I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.

 Is that why you had to take him to Office Depot last night? I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours.

 I don’t want to talk about it. There, the place is all yours. Yeah, have fun. Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science. And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.

 Yeah, have fun. Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science. And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.

 Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science. And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.

 Oh, I will, nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science. And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower. Bye. Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.

 And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower. Bye. Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.

 Bye. Okay. Here we go. Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay. (Time shift) Proton decay. Proton decay.

 Hey, we’re home. Any progress? How could there be, with these constant interruptions? I love him, but if he’s broken, let’s not get a new one.

 How could there be, with these constant interruptions? I love him, but if he’s broken, let’s not get a new one.

 What are you doing? It’s time to go. I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why? Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day? Like a big old baby.

 I’m not going to work today. And would you like to know why? Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day? Like a big old baby.

 Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day? Like a big old baby.

 Ah, you’re upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn’t make a breakthrough, and now you’re worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you’re gonna sit around and sulk all day? Like a big old baby. Call me if you need anything. I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.

 Like a big old baby. Call me if you need anything. I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.

 Call me if you need anything. I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air.

 Call me if you need anything. I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 I’ve been cooped up in here too long. Maybe I need some fresh air. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!  (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? Ugh! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 Ugh! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? Ugh! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny?

 Ugh! (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? Ugh, what? You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Penny? Ugh, what? You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

 Ugh, what? You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

 Ugh, what? You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard. Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it. Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.

 You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder. Or spontaneous coitus with Leonard. Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it. Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.

 Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it. Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard.

 Oh, I’m just doing this awful workout. I hate it. Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard. I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder. And to clarify?

 Well, if you hate it, then why are you doing it? Although I could ask the same question about coitus with Leonard. I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder. And to clarify?

 I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder. And to clarify?

 I don’t know, I guess I like that I hate it. It makes me work harder. And to clarify? The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work? I’m not going. Would you like to know why?

 And to clarify? The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work? I’m not going. Would you like to know why?

 The exercise, Sheldon. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work? I’m not going. Would you like to know why?

 Cinnamon. Give me another one. Okay, Emily or Cinnamon? Check it out, I got us matching sweaters. We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon. You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.

 Okay, Emily or Cinnamon? Check it out, I got us matching sweaters. We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon. You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.

 We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon. You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.

 You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange.

 We all got the Christmas card, Cinnamon. You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange. Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home. Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.

 You know, a man can care deeply about a woman and a pet. It’s not strange. Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home. Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.

 Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home. Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself.

 Ooh, Emily. I heard him say that to Emily. Hey, I thought you were staying home. Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself. What do you mean? According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.

 Yeah, I was, but after talking to Penny, I realised something. I, first, she’s trying much harder to stay attractive in this relationship than you are. And second, the reason I may not be progressing in my research is I’ve created too pleasant of an environment for myself. What do you mean? According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.

 What do you mean? According to a classic psychological experiment by Yerkes and Dodson, in order to maximize performance, one must create a state of productive anxiety. So I’d like to ask you all to do something for me. Keep me on my toes. Just throw me off my game. Essentially, go out of your way to make my life miserable.

 33 seconds. Okay, that’ll be our baseline. You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet. It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers. And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.

 You know, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet. It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers. And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.

 It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers. And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster.

 It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers. And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster. All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate. Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.

 And his last meal was a food pellet? You’re a monster. All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate. Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.

 All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate. Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy.

 All right, next, we’re gonna introduce an anxiety-inducing stimulus, measure your stress levels and see how it affects your problem-solving rate. Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy. Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it? I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.

 Very well. And good luck, I’m a pretty laid-back guy. Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it? I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.

 Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it? I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart.

 Ready? Begin. Why’d you pop it? I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart. Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana. Who eats them horizontally?

 I’m sorry, I was aiming for your heart. Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana. Who eats them horizontally?

 Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana. Who eats them horizontally?

 Look, I know you don’t like it, but that’s the point of the experiment. I need to irritate you to find your optimal anxiety zone. And you said no to tickling, polka music or watching me eat a banana. Who eats them horizontally? My mother said that’s how good girls do it. Perhaps this was a waste of time.

 Who eats them horizontally? My mother said that’s how good girls do it. Perhaps this was a waste of time.

 My mother said that’s how good girls do it. Perhaps this was a waste of time.

 My mother said that’s how good girls do it. Perhaps this was a waste of time. Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Thank you.

 Perhaps this was a waste of time. Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Thank you.

 Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Thank you.

 Sheldon, you’re a remarkable scientist. Just be patient, I’m sure you’ll find the breakthrough you’ve been looking for. Thank you. And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter? Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…

 Thank you. And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter? Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…

 And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter? Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be…

 And if you only do solid research instead of making a groundbreaking discovery, what does it matter? Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be… Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone. Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?

 Only do solid research? I come to you for help, and you insult me? I thought the least that you would do would be… Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone. Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?

 Look, your anxiety levels are right in the zone. Really? Oh, that’s fantastic. Now, wait, they’re dropping. Why are they dropping?

 All right, guys, what game do you want to play? Let’s see. How about Emily or Cinnamon? You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships. Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.

 Let’s see. How about Emily or Cinnamon? You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships. Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.

 You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships. Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.

 Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair.

 You know what? I think it’s a little weird that you remember me saying all these things. Maybe the truth is, you’re jealous of all my relationships. Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair. That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them. Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.

 Oh, maybe I am. Who wouldn’t want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words you’re so lucky, you have the shiniest hair. That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them. Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.

 That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them. Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it.

 That is a tough one. Uh, I know he brushes both of them. Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it. So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say? Yes.

 Gentlemen, I have figured out the perfect way for you to irritate me. I’d like you to be my intellectual sparring partners. From now on, when I make an assertion, I need you to challenge it. So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say? Yes.

 So you just want us to disagree with whatever you say? Yes. And you think that’s going to help? Yes.

 And you think that’s going to help? Yes. Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all. Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.

 Yes. Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all. Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.

 Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all. Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused.

 Well, I don’t think that’s gonna help at all. Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused. Howard’s right, that’ll never work. Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.

 Oh, no, it will. See, by keeping my mind engaged, I’ll become more focused. Howard’s right, that’ll never work. Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.

 Howard’s right, that’ll never work. Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me.

 Howard’s right, that’ll never work. Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me. I don’t think that’s what you want at all. Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?

 Stop fighting me on the premise. It’s scientifically valid. I’m going to advance propositions, I just want you to challenge me. I don’t think that’s what you want at all. Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?

 I don’t think that’s what you want at all. Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want?

 I don’t think that’s what you want at all. Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want? Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said. I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.

 Why, of course it’s what I want. Why would I say it’s what I want if it’s not what I want? Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said. I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.

 Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said. I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it.

 Because it is what you want, and it’s not what you said. I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it. Yes, we can. Yeah, well, then do it.

 I ask you for one simple thing, and you can’t even do it. Yes, we can. Yeah, well, then do it.

 So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii. That would be so romantic for you and Leonard. Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector. If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

 That would be so romantic for you and Leonard. Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector. If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

 Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector. If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

 If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?

 Yeah, clearly you haven’t seen him on the beach walking around with his metal detector. If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble? Really? Want to go to Hawaii? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?

 If I were going to Hawaii, I’d spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble? Really? Want to go to Hawaii? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?

 Really? Want to go to Hawaii? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies?

 Really? Want to go to Hawaii? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? Come in. Ladies.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? (Knock, knock, knock) Ladies? Come in. Ladies.

 Come in. Ladies. What’s up? Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?

 Ladies. What’s up? Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?

 What’s up? Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk?

 What’s up? Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk? What exactly do you think goes on here? Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

 Well, as you may know, I’ve been experimenting with elevated anxiety levels, and I thought, what better way to increase my discomfort than to subject myself to an evening of tasteless uncensored crotch talk? What exactly do you think goes on here? Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

 What exactly do you think goes on here? Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

 What exactly do you think goes on here? Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them. We were talking about Penny’s job. And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

 Well, conversations that you wouldn’t be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men’s buttocks, and how you want to pat and squeeze them. We were talking about Penny’s job. And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

 We were talking about Penny’s job. And how difficult it is to do when she’s bloated, cranky and crampy? Continue.

 Sheldon, we are just people. We talk about the same things you guys talk about. You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think? Let’s just talk about our periods. No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?

 You talk about if werewolves can swim? See, Leonard says yes, but I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten. What do you think? Let’s just talk about our periods. No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?

 Let’s just talk about our periods. No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?

 No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities?

 No, hold on. All canines instinctively know how to swim. Why wouldn’t a werewolf have the same abilities? Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.

 Well, they’re not a hundred percent wolf. They’re a werewolf, that’s only part wolf. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. Thank you. Oh, and technically, it’s apples that turn into were-oranges when the moon is full. Hey, this is fun. We should do it sometime when you aren’t all PMS’ing. Bye.

 Oh. Uh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I’m using Darth Vader, the Joker, and Godzilla’s roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Uh, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turns out I love her. Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night. Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

 Well, at least listen to it through headphones. I’m trying to sleep. Good night. Boy, Taylor was right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

 You’ve been working so much lately, I’m glad you didn’t forget about date night. Of course. Sheldon. Yeah.

 Sheldon. Yeah. Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me. I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.

 Yeah. Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me. I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.

 Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me. I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time.

 Maybe you want to put the notebook away and talk to me. I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time. Fine. How was your day? Oh, you said it.

 I can do both. My brain is working at optimal capacity. I can have a conversation with you and solve the dark matter proton decay problem at the same time. Fine. How was your day? Oh, you said it.

 What happened? He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while and then threw up in my car. Don’t you think you should make him stop all this? I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.

 He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while and then threw up in my car. Don’t you think you should make him stop all this? I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.

 Don’t you think you should make him stop all this? I don’t know, he’s not really hurting anybody.

 He is getting a lot of work done. He had a pretty interesting take on proton decay. Wow, if he cracks that it’s a game changer, guys. It’ll completely redefine our understanding of the physical universe. Hmm, it would. Okay, back to Emily or Cinnamon? How can such a little girl eat such a big steak?

 Wow, if he cracks that it’s a game changer, guys. It’ll completely redefine our understanding of the physical universe. Hmm, it would. Okay, back to Emily or Cinnamon? How can such a little girl eat such a big steak?

 Hmm, it would. Okay, back to Emily or Cinnamon? How can such a little girl eat such a big steak?

 Sheldon, I want you to take that cap off. That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah. I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night. There you go, perfect.

 That nagging tone is helping my anxiety, yeah. But if you could maybe just go ten percent less shrill, that’d really put the zip-a-dee in my doo-dah. I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night. There you go, perfect.

 I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night. There you go, perfect.

 I’m sorry, but you know we agreed not to bring work to date night. There you go, perfect. Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away. But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.

 There you go, perfect. Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away. But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.

 Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away. But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress.

 Sheldon, stop it, I’m not kidding. Take the cap off, and put the notebook away. But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress. You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive. Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.

 But after months of struggling, I’m finally making progress. You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive. Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.

 You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive. Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.

 You don’t need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive. Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo. That’s not true. Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.

 Or do I, hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo. That’s not true. Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.

 That’s not true. Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately.

 That’s not true. Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately. Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself. Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

 Yeah, well, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I have been hallucinating lately. Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself. Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

 Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself. Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away?

 Sheldon, this has to stop. You need to get some sleep and take care of yourself. Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away? Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety. Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.

 Amy, I have gotten more done in the last few days than I have since I made the switch to dark matter. What if I stop doing this, and it all goes away? Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety. Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.

 Your thoughts and ideas come from you, not from your anxiety. Hmm, perhaps. But I’m not taking the cap off.

 It’s one thing to make yourself miserable, but you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Now, I’m telling you for the last time, take the cap off. Oh, really? What if I don’t? And before you answer that, can I have my dessert?

 Yeah, well, women, what are you gonna do? I knew you’d understand, Armadillo Isaac Newton.

 Here we are. Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here. You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute. Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.

 Hey. What are you trying to pull? The president of science isn’t in here. You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute. Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.

 You lie down, he’ll be here in a minute. Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me.

 Okay. Hey, I thought you were trying to trick me. Now, you just get comfortable. No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time. Maybe in the morning.

 Now, you just get comfortable. No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time. Maybe in the morning.

 No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time. Maybe in the morning.

 No, no, comfort is the enemy. You know what’s comfortable? Slippers and blankets and panda bears. Imagine a panda bear with Richard Feynman’s face on it. Warm up the car, Leonard, it’s poster time. Maybe in the morning. Yeah, you get some sleep. No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.

 Maybe in the morning. Yeah, you get some sleep. No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.

 Yeah, you get some sleep. No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me.

 No, I don’t want to go to sleep, you can’t make me. You’re right, we can’t. Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep. Soft kitty, warm kitty.

 You’re right, we can’t. Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep. Soft kitty, warm kitty.

 Yeah, darn straight, you can’t. Try to tell a grown man to go to sleep. Soft kitty, warm kitty.

 Purr, purr, purr. You know, he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him lying here asleep like this, I just think how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face. Mmmm.

 You know, he can be a lot of trouble, but when I see him lying here asleep like this, I just think how easy it would be to hold a pillow over his face. Mmmm.

 Oh, I’m feeling much better. And I’ve also been continuing to make progress without artificially raising my anxiety levels. I turned on the heat in my car and some vomit came out, so my levels, right up there. Hey, guys. Mind if Emily joins us for lunch? Yeah, sure.

 I turned on the heat in my car and some vomit came out, so my levels, right up there. Hey, guys. Mind if Emily joins us for lunch? Yeah, sure.

 Hey, if you’re pausing for dramatic effect, I’d keep it moving. No, no. People don’t talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble… This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon. Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.

 No, no. People don’t talk about surface tension. If you imagine our three-space as the surface of an N-dimensional superfluid bubble… This is exciting. This is really exciting. I have to go find Sheldon. Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.

 Okay, well, if you find him, use the kitchen island, that coffee table will not support both of you.

 Which means a spherical multidimensional superfluid shows the same negative-energy density as space-time. So what do you think? What do you think? So what do you think? Hmm. What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else? Hmm.

 What? Is it wrong? Have you seen it somewhere else? Hmm. I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something? Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.

 Hmm. I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something? Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.

 I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something? Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers.

 I know this isn’t my area, and I could never do the math like you can, but could this be something? Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers. No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not? It’s good.

 Well, you could have set Newton’s gravitational constant to one. And, ugh, the whole thing reeks of blueberry. You know I can’t stand these scented markers. No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not? It’s good.

 No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not? It’s good.

 No one told you to taste them. Come on, is, is this good or not? It’s good. Really? I like it. I think you’re on to something.

 Really? I like it. I think you’re on to something. You do? You’re not messing with me? Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.

 I like it. I think you’re on to something. You do? You’re not messing with me? Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.

 You do? You’re not messing with me? Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job.

 You do? You’re not messing with me? Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job. You’re giving me a sticker? Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.

 Not at all. In fact, I have got something for just such an occasion. I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you. Good job. You’re giving me a sticker? Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.

 You’re giving me a sticker? Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying me-wow.

 I’m not a preschooler. Fine, I’ll take it back. I earned this. Back off.

 You’re still awake? For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump. You worked out all the math. Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.

 For a man whose last observation was our universe may be the surface of a multidimensional supercooled liquid, you’re still awake seems like quite the sophomore slump. You worked out all the math. Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.

 You worked out all the math. Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper.

 You worked out all the math. Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper. You wrote a paper on my idea? I wrote a paper on our idea.

 Oh, I did more than work out all the math. I wrote a paper. You wrote a paper on my idea? I wrote a paper on our idea.

 You wrote a paper on my idea? I wrote a paper on our idea. When did my idea become our idea? When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.

 I wrote a paper on our idea. When did my idea become our idea? When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.

 When did my idea become our idea? When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind.

 When did my idea become our idea? When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind. This is good. Our idea is really good. Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.

 When I mixed it with Sheldony goodness and cooked it in the Easy-Bake oven of my mind. This is good. Our idea is really good. Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.

 This is good. Our idea is really good. Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright.

 This is good. Our idea is really good. Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright. You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal. Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.

 Well, the lightbulb in this oven is ridiculously bright. You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal. Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.

 You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal. Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you.

 You know, if no one’s thought of this, yet, this could be a big deal. Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you. Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it? We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.

 Only way we’ll know for sure is if we post it online to the pre-print server. I have it ready to go, but I wasn’t gonna do it without you. Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it? We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.

 Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it? We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch.

 Wow, it’s all happening so fast. Should we just sleep on it? We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch. You’re sure it’s good? My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.

 We could, but we always run the risk of someone else beating us to the punch. You’re sure it’s good? My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.

 You’re sure it’s good? My name is right on there with yours. That is a surefire mark of quality. That might as well say directed by Joss Whedon.

 Okay, partner, let’s do it. Come on. Click the mouse with me. One, two three. Click.

 One, two three. Click. Well, we did it. Yes, we did, my friend.

 Well, maybe it turned out better than you think. Bananas, get your fresh bananas. Ho-ho, it really didn’t.

 Then we’re probably okay. Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog. Really? What’d they say? Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.

 Hey, your paper got mentioned on the Quantum Diaries physics blog. Really? What’d they say? Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.

 Really? What’d they say? Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.

 Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board.

 Really? What’d they say? Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board. Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative. Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.

 Uh, it’s basically a summary of the theory, but there’s a bunch of positive comments on the message board. Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative. Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.

 Let me see, let me see. One calls it insightful and innovative. We’re insightful and innovative. Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful.

 Oh, nice to meet you, Mr. Insightful. Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The? I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking. How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?

 Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mr. Innovative. Uh, another one says the concept shows some real out-of-the-box thinking. Do you hear that, Mr. Out-Of-The? I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking. How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?

 I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking. How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses?

 I do, indeed, Mr. Box-Thinking. How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses? Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv. Read another one.

 How are you today, Mr. Can-You-Believe-These-Jack-Asses? Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv. Read another one.

 Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv. Read another one.

 Just dandy, Mr I-Wish-I-Was-Better-At-Improv. Read another one. Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish. Who wrote that?

 Read another one. Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish. Who wrote that?

 Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish. Who wrote that?

 Okay, okay. Uh, the analogy between space-time and a supercooled fluid is either meaningless or false. I wish this blog would devote itself to real science instead of wasting our time with crackpot wannabe theoreticians in a rush to publish. Who wrote that? It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity. Well, I’m responding to it.

 Who wrote that? It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity. Well, I’m responding to it.

 It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity. Well, I’m responding to it.

 It’s anonymous, and user name General Relativity. Well, I’m responding to it. Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level. Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.

 Well, I’m responding to it. Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level. Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.

 Uh, don’t lower yourself to their level. Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers.

 Look, I am simply going to defend our work, scientist to scientist. And failing that, suggest that his mother enjoys a string of both human and non-human lovers. Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this. He just left another comment. What does it say?

 Sheldon, my name’s on that paper, too. There’s no upside to doing this. He just left another comment. What does it say?

 He just left another comment. What does it say? Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter. Can I respond now?

 What does it say? Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter. Can I respond now?

 Upon review, I’ve changed my mind about the Cooper-Hofstadter hypothesis that space-time is like a superfluid. In fact, it’s inspired me to come up with my own theory. Maybe space-time is like two clowns with their heads in a bucket, much like Cooper and Hofstadter. Can I respond now?

 You look like a talking cupcake. And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to (singing) tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999. Play it again. Play it again.

 And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to (singing) tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999. Play it again. Play it again.

 Did he respond yet? Hmm. No, not yet. Well, maybe we shouldn’t have sunk to his level. It wasn’t that bad.

 Hmm. No, not yet. Well, maybe we shouldn’t have sunk to his level. It wasn’t that bad.

 Well, maybe we shouldn’t have sunk to his level. It wasn’t that bad.

 Well, maybe we shouldn’t have sunk to his level. It wasn’t that bad. Read it back one more time. My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.

 It wasn’t that bad. Read it back one more time. My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.

 Read it back one more time. My good sir, we are neither crackpots nor wannabes. In fact, we are experts in our fields. And while you hide behind your anonymity, we stand behind our paper. And later tonight, your mother.

 Maybe it was the first whisper of winter in the air, or maybe it was the unconscious handsome man with porcelain skin and curious clothing she was about to discover lying in the field. A man who would open her mind to new possibilities and her body to new feelings. You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.

 You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.

 Me-wow. What are you doing? I’ve, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.

 What are you doing? I’ve, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.

 I’ve, uh, created some other user accounts so I can post positive comments about their paper. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off.

 This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew my kilt off. No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off. He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is? Yes.

 No. You have to read it how Dr. Angus McDougal of the University of Edinburgh would. This wee li’l bairn of a theory nearly blew me kilt off. He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is? Yes.

 He wrote back. Cooper and Hofstadter resorting to juvenile attempts at humour is proof they have nothing to back up their ridiculous paper. It should come as no surprise given they work at Cal Tech, essentially a technical school, where even the physicists are basically engineers. Engineers? Do you know how insulting that is? Yes.

 Guys, this person’s just going out of their way to get a rise out of you. Yeah, but it’s still so aggravating. Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those. Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.

 Yeah, but it’s still so aggravating. Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those. Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.

 Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those. Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.

 Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka.

 Yeah, well, all the other comments said really nice things. Focus on those. Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka. See? Better with the accent. And send.

 Yeah. Dr. Dmitri Plancovik of Moscow University said dis paper great, I love it more than wodka. See? Better with the accent. And send.

 See? Better with the accent. And send. What did you write? I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.

 And send. What did you write? I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.

 What did you write? I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world.

 I’m done hiding from bullies. I’m taking this into the real world. What does that mean? I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere. Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.

 What does that mean? I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere. Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.

 I told him we’ll meet him face-to-face anytime, anywhere. Are you crazy? You don’t know who this person is. Delete that.

 So instead she asked if, in the future, Montana ever became a state. In the 1800s that was considered flirting.

 I’m so sick of people being mean on the Internet. Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face. Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Never noticed that about you.

 Well, I think the anonymity makes everyone feel like they can say things they’d never say to your face. Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Never noticed that about you.

 Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Never noticed that about you.

 Interesting. I can’t think of a single thing I wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Never noticed that about you. You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work. He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.

 Never noticed that about you. You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work. He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.

 You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work. He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide.

 You know what? At least you guys did something. You know, you, you had a theory, you wrote a paper, you made an actual contribution. All guys like this do is just stand on other people’s work. He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide. All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished. Click it with me. One, two, three, click.

 He’s right. I say we call this person back. We’ve got no reason to hide. All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished. Click it with me. One, two, three, click.

 All right, do it. Call him. Let’s find out what this loser’s ever accomplished. Click it with me. One, two, three, click.

 Well, hello there. Professor Hawking? Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces. You really didn’t like our paper?

 Professor Hawking? Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces. You really didn’t like our paper?

 Oh, brother, you should see the look on your faces. You really didn’t like our paper?

 You really didn’t like our paper? I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing. Then why are you attacking us? If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.

 I like your paper very much. The premise is intriguing. Then why are you attacking us? If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.

 Then why are you attacking us? If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.

 If you were sitting in a chair for 40 years, you’d get bored, too. Anyway, got to go. I promised to help the neighbour kid with his maths homework. Ciao.

 So, tell me, Cooper, are the ways of physical love different in the future? Yeah, okay, I’m good.

 Sure. How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many? Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.

 How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many? Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.

 How many? Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke.

 How many? Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke. Is that really true? Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.

 Who cares? He stole the idea and doesn’t deserve his own joke. Is that really true? Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.

 Is that really true? Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs.

 Is that really true? Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs. Hey, sowwy to intewupt. Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 Of course, that’s how you know it’s a good joke. It not only entertains, it informs. Hey, sowwy to intewupt. Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 Hey, sowwy to intewupt. Uh, Barry, uh, how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 What do you want, Barry? Just wanted to dwop this off as a wittle thank you for Amy. What’s this for? Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.

 Just wanted to dwop this off as a wittle thank you for Amy. What’s this for? Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.

 What’s this for? Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.

 Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing.

 What’s this for? Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing. Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it. Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.

 Your idea weawy hewped me out. My wight-cone quantization paper’s onwine alweady. The wesponse has been amazing. Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it. Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.

 Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it. Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken.

 Well, that’s fascinating. I can’t wait to read it. Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken. Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs. Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?

 Oh, no, me as well. Uh, please e-mail it to Sheldon at bazinga dot biz. Why dot biz? Because I just gave you the business. And also bazinga dot com was taken. Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs. Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?

 Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs. Since when do you help out Barry Kripke?

 Anyway, thanks again. Cooper, suck eggs. Since when do you help out Barry Kripke? Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal. Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?

 Since when do you help out Barry Kripke? Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal. Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?

 Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal. Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me?

 Well, I’d been thinking about a cellular automata approach to neuronal connectivity, and I thought it might have some interesting applications to string theory, it’s not a big deal. Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me? I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs. That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

 Oh, really? When I was doing string theory and hit a dead end, why didn’t you try to help me? I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs. That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

 I did. You said the only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs. That’s pretty funny, that does sound like me. But that doesn’t mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.

 I know you don’t like Stuart being in the house, but the store’s about to reopen, I’m sure he’ll get back on his feet. That would be great. I’d love for things between me and Mom to get back to normal. Well, normal’s a strong word, but sure.

 That would be great. I’d love for things between me and Mom to get back to normal. Well, normal’s a strong word, but sure.

 Hey. Hello. You okay? If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.

 Hello. You okay? If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.

 You okay? If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello.

 You okay? If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello. What’s going on? I’m mad at Amy.

 If I was okay, I would’ve said hello, and not the much more ominous hello. What’s going on? I’m mad at Amy.

 What’s going on? I’m mad at Amy. Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too? No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.

 I’m mad at Amy. Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too? No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.

 Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too? No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory.

 Did she leave pit stains in your favourite crop top, too? No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory. Oh, that sounds like a good thing. Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 No. She helped Barry Kripke make an advancement in string theory. Oh, that sounds like a good thing. Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 Oh, that sounds like a good thing. Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that.

 Oh, that sounds like a good thing. Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera. Why would she do this to me?

 Well, it would be, except that I left string theory because I decided it was a dead end. Yeah, and then she went behind my back to help someone else prove me wrong. My rival, no less. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera. Why would she do this to me?

 I’m sorry I didn’t have a camera. Why would she do this to me? Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science? No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.

 Why would she do this to me? Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science? No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.

 Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science? No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science.

 Well, I’m sure she didn’t upset you on purpose. Besides, aren’t you the one who says there’s nothing more important than the advancement of science? No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science. All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go. Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.

 No, I said there’s nothing more important than me advancing science. All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go. Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.

 All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go. Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel.

 All right, well, if I’m understanding this right, and all she did was help out another scientist, I’m thinking you might have to let this one go. Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel. I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her? Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?

 Ugh, let it go. I have heard that my whole life. Every time something upsets me somebody says, let it go, you know, like it’s my fault, and it’s not okay to feel the way I feel. I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her? Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?

 I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, why don’t you talk to her? Is that all you have? Shopworn tidbits like talk to her and let it go? Gee, Penny, life’s giving me lemons. What should I do?

 Smart, looks like we’re being helpful. Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.

 Mmm, when really we’re just exiting an uncomfortable situation.

 No. Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that? I don’t know, just think about something else. Can I think about the spiny anteater?

 Oh, give me that. Just out of curiosity, if I were to let something go, how would I do that? I don’t know, just think about something else. Can I think about the spiny anteater?

 I don’t know, just think about something else. Can I think about the spiny anteater?

 I don’t know, just think about something else. Can I think about the spiny anteater? Sure. The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.

 Can I think about the spiny anteater? Sure. The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.

 Sure. The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all.

 Sure. The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all. You know, some people try visualization. How does that work?

 The spiny anteater never went behind my back and worked with Barry Kripke. That didn’t help at all. You know, some people try visualization. How does that work?

 You know, some people try visualization. How does that work? Okay, imagine your problems are a pen. Okay.

 How does that work? Okay, imagine your problems are a pen. Okay.

 Okay, imagine your problems are a pen. Okay. Now imagine you’re holding that pen. Okay.

 Now imagine you’re holding that pen. Okay. Now open your hand and let it go. But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.

 Okay. Now open your hand and let it go. But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.

 Now open your hand and let it go. But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look.

 Now open your hand and let it go. But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look. Sheldon, this isn’t that hard. I may have a better way that you can teach me.

 But I just got this pen. It’s got my initials on it and everything. Look. Sheldon, this isn’t that hard. I may have a better way that you can teach me.

 Sheldon, this isn’t that hard. I may have a better way that you can teach me.

 Sheldon, this isn’t that hard. I may have a better way that you can teach me. How? What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?

 I may have a better way that you can teach me. How? What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?

 How? What if I told you that over the past few months Amy has secretly been giving you little puzzles to test your intelligence against chimpanzees in her lab?

 Are you sure? Boy, I just can’t seem to get these scissors back together. Can you do it? Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help? Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.

 Boy, I just can’t seem to get these scissors back together. Can you do it? Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help? Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.

 Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help? Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.

 Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.

 Darn it. There’s something in my eye, and I need to sort these coins by size. Can you help? Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box. Son of a bitch. Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.

 Penny? I really want to eat this banana, but it’s stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box. Son of a bitch. Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go.

 Son of a bitch. Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go. I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp. Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

 Okay, that’s great. Now, let it go. I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp. Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

 I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp. Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.

 I can’t believe you were testing me against a chimp. Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way. Why would she even do this? She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?

 Well, excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way. Why would she even do this? She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?

 Why would she even do this? She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting?

 Why would she even do this? She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting? Make this interesting? You bet money on me? No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?

 She’s been conducting an experiment on apes where they’re given various puzzles to solve. I was surprised at the complexity of the puzzles and thought some humans wouldn’t be able to solve them. That’s when Amy said, want to make this interesting? Make this interesting? You bet money on me? No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?

 Make this interesting? You bet money on me? No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting?

 Make this interesting? You bet money on me? No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting? It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting. Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.

 No, no. We designed an experiment involving you. See? Now, isn’t that interesting? It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting. Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.

 It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting. Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard.

 It’s not interesting. It’s incredibly insulting. Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard. Oh, my, that’s it. Get out. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.

 Okay, maybe this will help. Imagine you’re holding a pen. Before you go too far, not a special pen with your initials engraved on it, that’ll make the next part really hard. Oh, my, that’s it. Get out. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.

 Oh, my, that’s it. Get out. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go.

 Oh, my, that’s it. Get out. I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go. Get out. Penny?

 I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. You should be mad at Amy. Like I was this afternoon. Hey, look at that, I let it go. Get out. Penny?

 Sheldon, it’s me. Oh, hey. Did you see that? I, I figured out how to open the door all by myself. Maybe I’ll fling some faeces around my cage to celebrate. What are you talking about? I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.

 Oh, hey. Did you see that? I, I figured out how to open the door all by myself. Maybe I’ll fling some faeces around my cage to celebrate. What are you talking about? I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.

 What are you talking about? I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests.

 What are you talking about? I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests. Sheldon, open the door. I can’t. I’m naked.

 I know you’ve been giving me secret puzzle tests. Sheldon, open the door. I can’t. I’m naked.

 I know, it’s so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box. Wait, Sheldon gave me a banana in a box. He was testing me, too. Unbelievable. And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

 Wait, Sheldon gave me a banana in a box. He was testing me, too. Unbelievable. And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

 Unbelievable. And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

 Thank you. Wow, the store looks great. So you guys were testing us both? What is the matter with you? Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.

 Wow, the store looks great. So you guys were testing us both? What is the matter with you? Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.

 So you guys were testing us both? What is the matter with you? Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.

 Eh, what’s the matter with them is they think they’re so smart they don’t care if they hurt other people’s feelings.

 That’s not true. That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps. Well, except Barnabas, but he was on Adderall. I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.

 That sounds like us. I still don’t understand why you’re upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps. Well, except Barnabas, but he was on Adderall. I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.

 Well, except Barnabas, but he was on Adderall. I’m sorry, but it’s making me crazy.

 Uh, that was my aunt. Ma took a nap. She never woke up. Oh, my God, Howie. I’m so sorry. What can we do?

 I’m so sorry. What can we do? I don’t know. May I say something?

 May I say something? Not right now, Sheldon. But I think it would be comforting. Buddy.

 Not right now, Sheldon. But I think it would be comforting. Buddy.

 Yeah, I don’t recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I’m glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person. Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener. Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me. She did that to me, too.

 Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener. Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me. She did that to me, too.

 Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me. She did that to me, too.

 Whenever I saw her, she’d say I was too skinny and try and feed me. She did that to me, too. Don’t take this away from me. I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.

 She did that to me, too. Don’t take this away from me. I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.

 Don’t take this away from me. I didn’t care for her yelling. But now that I’m not going to hear it again, I’m sad.

 I just read about an experiment designed to see if you could make two people fall in love in a matter of hours. That doesn’t sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging. Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story. Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.

 That doesn’t sound right. My research has shown that it takes three to five years of shameless begging. Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story. Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.

 Honey, neither of us comes off good in that story. Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.

 Yeah, I, I, I saw that article you’re talking about. Uh, the participants ask each other a series of questions designed to promote intimacy.

 Other than the fact that I had it, that was a magical night. Raj, would you ever try an experiment like that with Emily? What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that. I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?

 Raj, would you ever try an experiment like that with Emily? What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that. I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?

 What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that. I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right?

 What? I don’t need science to win her heart. I have my family’s wealth for that. I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right? Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor. Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…

 I’m telling you, you can’t create love in a few hours. Right? Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor. Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…

 Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor. Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and…

 Oh, careful. You’re poking at the whole foundation of The Bachelor. Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and… No. You didn’t even let me finish.

 Yeah, but we don’t have to debate this. We’re scientists. We can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people and… No. You didn’t even let me finish.

 No. You didn’t even let me finish. Forget it. So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.

 You didn’t even let me finish. Forget it. So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.

 Forget it. So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster.

 Forget it. So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster. Why don’t you just do the test? In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.

 So, you can experiment on all the apes you want. But I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I’m the monster. Why don’t you just do the test? In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.

 Why don’t you just do the test? In the interest of science, I’d be willing to.

 Please, can I do it with him? Please? I’ve been listening to Sheldon’s feelings on things for ten years. Tag, you’re it. Yeah, but what if the experiment works? I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.

 I’ve been listening to Sheldon’s feelings on things for ten years. Tag, you’re it. Yeah, but what if the experiment works? I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.

 Yeah, but what if the experiment works? I’m not gonna fall in love with Sheldon.

 Uh, fun fact, pontificate comes from the Latin word pontifex, which means bridge builder or Pope. In love yet?

 Um, well, it’s, uh, black. There’s a red ribbon tied to the handle. The world’s greatest mom is in the shoe compartment.

 Yup. Be right there. I assume you don’t want wine. Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery. What heavy machinery? Let’s just start. Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…

 Correct. You’re not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery. What heavy machinery? Let’s just start. Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…

 What heavy machinery? Let’s just start. Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors…

 What heavy machinery? Let’s just start. Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors… Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Hmm. Living or dead?

 Well, as a Texas gentleman, I’m inclined to say ladies first. Although, I’m concerned that level of politeness and charm might make you fall in love with me before the test even begins. Perhaps we should flip a coin. Or if you’re familiar with the rules of Rock, Paper, Scissors… Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Hmm. Living or dead?

 Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Hmm. Living or dead?

 Question one. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Hmm. Living or dead? Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living. Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.

 Hmm. Living or dead? Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living. Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.

 Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living. Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself.

 Just says anyone in the world. I guess that means living. Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself. You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner. Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

 Ah, that’s just as well. As much as I’d love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know, the person I’d most like to have dinner with is myself. You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner. Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

 You sure that’s your choice? ‘Cause I’ve had that dinner. Well, I haven’t. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don’t see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

 Um, it’s kind of like interactive theatre, except you have to solve puzzles in a certain amount of time to get out. There’s one downtown where they trap you in a room with a zombie. Oh, so kind of like what’s happening with Penny right now.

 Uh, well, I’d probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks and probably get a massage and then cap off the night with some dancing. That’s it? Yeah, why? You didn’t mention Leonard.

 Yeah, why? You didn’t mention Leonard. He’s there. I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

 You didn’t mention Leonard. He’s there. I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

 He’s there. I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing.

 He’s there. I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing. Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours? Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.

 I don’t think so. Leonard can’t stand yoga, the beach, massages or dancing. Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours? Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.

 Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay? What’s yours? Uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Uh, then a wormhole opens, and whisks me millions of years into the future where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.

 Oh, okay, great. So, your entire job is to find lost luggage, and you’ve narrowed down the location of my mother to the planet Earth. I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.

 I’m sorry. W, would 500 frequent-flyer miles help? That could get you to Sacramento.

 Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good. I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. Come on, I’m just having some fun with you. I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.

 I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. Come on, I’m just having some fun with you. I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.

 Come on, I’m just having some fun with you. I believe what you’re doing is using humour to avoid vulnerability.

 Fine. Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys. Ha. Keep dreaming. Sheldon. I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.

 Ha. Keep dreaming. Sheldon. I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.

 Sheldon. I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.

 I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds.

 Sheldon. I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds. Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing. When are we going to get robot eyes?

 I’m sorry. That was me having fun with you. Look, you may not be as, as academically inclined as are we. Yes, that’s how you say it. But, you possess an intelligence I envy. Which leads me to my answer. I would choose the ability to read people’s minds. Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing. When are we going to get robot eyes?

 Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing. When are we going to get robot eyes?

 Well, I can’t read people’s minds. Actually, that’s not true, I can read men’s minds, but only ’cause it’s usually the one thing. When are we going to get robot eyes? You’re all alike. Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.

 When are we going to get robot eyes? You’re all alike. Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.

 You’re all alike. Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful.

 You’re all alike. Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful. Really? You always seem so confident. Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.

 Well, what I meant was I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can’t always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, like, uh, if they’re mad at something I’ve done or just in a bad mood. It, it’s incredibly stressful. Really? You always seem so confident. Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.

 Really? You always seem so confident. Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler.

 Really? You always seem so confident. Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler. Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you. Thank you.

 Well, I’m not. And if I could read people’s minds, life would be so much simpler. Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you. Thank you.

 Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you. Thank you.

 Sorry, guys. Really thought the puzzles would be better. Well, to be fair, we do all have advanced degrees. Remember that before you post on Yelp.

 Well, to be fair, we do all have advanced degrees. Remember that before you post on Yelp.

 If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday. Today’s your birthday? Yes.

 So, it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there’s something satisfying about dying on my birthday. Today’s your birthday? Yes.

 Today’s your birthday? Yes. Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows. Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.

 Yes. Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows. Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.

 Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows. Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut.

 Well, that’s always been a secret. Not even Amy knows. Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut. So, why did you finally tell me? The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

 Well, I don’t enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words George Lucas Director’s Cut. So, why did you finally tell me? The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

 So, why did you finally tell me? The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.

 So, why did you finally tell me? The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other. Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone. Thank you.

 The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other. Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone. Thank you.

 Well, thank you for sharing it with me. I won’t tell anyone. Thank you.

 Ma? I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the airport. I just want you to know that I’ll never forgive myself for being so selfish. And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life. Oh, no. That thing’s gonna end up in my bedroom.

 All that’s left to do is stare into each other’s eyes for four minutes without talking. Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go. You ready? Yes.

 Okay. Wait, hang on. Bladder check. We’re good to go. You ready? Yes.

 You ready? Yes. And begin. This is kind of creepy. We’re not supposed to talk during this part.

 Yes. And begin. This is kind of creepy. We’re not supposed to talk during this part.

 And begin. This is kind of creepy. We’re not supposed to talk during this part.

 And begin. This is kind of creepy. We’re not supposed to talk during this part. Sorry. This is kind of creepy.

 We’re not supposed to talk during this part. Sorry. This is kind of creepy.

 Sorry. This is kind of creepy. Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact. Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.

 This is kind of creepy. Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact. Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.

 Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact. Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with.

 Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact. Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with. Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too. Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.

 Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula One race car. So I’m just concentrating on that. Plus, it’s easier around people that I’m comfortable with. Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too. Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.

 Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too. Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup.

 Aw, sweetie, I’m comfortable around you, too. Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup. I meant more like a little brother. Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.

 Of course you are, I’m warm and soothing. I’m like a human bowl of tomato soup. I meant more like a little brother. Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.

 I meant more like a little brother. Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother.

 I meant more like a little brother. Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother. It’s getting creepy again. What?

 Oh. Well, I suppose I do think of you as a sister. And sometimes, a mother. It’s getting creepy again. What?

 It’s getting creepy again. What? Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard. It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.

 What? Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard. It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.

 Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard. It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.

 Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard. It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food. Can you believe it’s been eight years? Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.

 It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food. Can you believe it’s been eight years? Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.

 Can you believe it’s been eight years? Yeah, and you’re still eating our food.

 Can you believe it’s been eight years? Yeah, and you’re still eating our food. I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life. I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

 Yeah, and you’re still eating our food. I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life. I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

 I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life. I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food.

 I can’t remember a time you guys weren’t in my life. I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food. That’s it. That wasn’t so bad. No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

 I remember it perfectly. But I have an eidetic memory. If you’re interested, I also remember how much you owe us for the food. That’s it. That wasn’t so bad. No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

 That’s it. That wasn’t so bad. No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.

 That’s it. That wasn’t so bad. No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences. Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you. And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.

 No, it wasn’t. Uh, now let’s tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it’s safe to say that you’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences. Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you. And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.

 Well, maybe. But I’m still glad we did it. I do feel closer to you. And I, you. And yes, that’s how you say that. Yeah, so, given our newfound intimacy, I’d say we have some hard choices to make.

 Like what? Gary Con, do we fly or drive? Do we wear costumes? And if so, who gets to be Gary?

 Thank you for walking me home. I just want to make sure you get there safe. Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening. It really has.

 I just want to make sure you get there safe. Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening. It really has.

 Well, this is me. It’s been a very interesting evening. It really has.

 Okay. As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible. Okay. After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.

 As you know, Amy and I have been together a long time, and a lot of things I never thought possible now seem possible. Okay. After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.

 Okay. After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.

 After a careful evaluation of our relationship, we decided that the time was right to take a step forward.

 Okay. Do you want to say it? Let’s say it together. We’re getting a turtle.

 Do you want to say it? Let’s say it together. We’re getting a turtle.

 Let’s say it together. We’re getting a turtle. This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice. Sarcasm?

 We’re getting a turtle. This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice. Sarcasm?

 This is why I’ve been saying we should keep champagne on ice. Sarcasm?

 Yes. Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business. Well, we’re, we’re very happy for you. Yes.

 Okay. That was tricky, ’cause when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business. Well, we’re, we’re very happy for you. Yes.

 Well, we’re, we’re very happy for you. Yes. Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us. No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

 Yes. Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us. No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

 Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us. No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

 Thank you. Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us. No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile. Why a turtle? After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.

 No. It’s true. It means that we care so much about each other, there’s enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile. Why a turtle? After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.

 Why a turtle? After much deliberation, we’ve determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don’t shed fur, they don’t make noise.

 Oh, good. Well, her torso is. Just kidding. I put her in a wood chipper.

 It’s okay. You made it. We’re fine. That was a lot of puppies. Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log? Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?

 That was a lot of puppies. Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log? Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?

 Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log? Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one?

 Let’s forget about them, and pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Oh, how about this one up on the log? Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one? Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead. I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.

 Oh, I don’t know. He kind of looks like a jerk. How about this one? Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead. I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.

 Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead. I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house.

 Well, he’s barely moving. He looks half dead. I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house. But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work. Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.

 I know. I like him, too. Hi, little guy. How’d you like to come home with us? You’ll be living with me because we don’t live in the same house. But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work. Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.

 But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work. Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars.

 But that’s not your fault. Like you, we’re taking it ridiculously slow. You’ll stay with me when he’s at Comic-Con or away for work. Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars. What are you talking about? Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.

 Or if they accept Daddy’s application to live on Mars. What are you talking about? Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.

 What are you talking about? Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian.

 What are you talking about? Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian. You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me? Would you have approved?

 Oh, there’s this company that’s attempting to establish a colony on Mars, and I applied to be among the first to go. What should we name him? You know, I came in thinking Seth, but he kind of looks Italian. You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me? Would you have approved?

 You applied for a mission to be a colonist on another planet, and couldn’t be bothered to tell me? Would you have approved?

 Yeah, is it a comedy? Is it a drama? Nobody knows. Now, come on. We are gonna do this. Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.

 Yeah. You get the paint, I’ll rest for 30 to 40 minutes, and then we do this.

 No one told you to poke the turtle’s face. I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you. I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get. Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.

 I was playing Got Your Nose. That’s how you get children to like you. I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get. Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.

 I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get. Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one.

 I’m surprised you even care if he likes you, since you’re planning on leaving the planet the first chance you get. Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one. Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever. So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?

 Ugh, this again. Amy, I’ve already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don’t need another one. Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever. So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?

 Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever. So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet?

 Sheldon, I know the odds of you even going to Mars are incredibly small, but it still hurts that you would volunteer for something that would take you away from me forever. So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet? I would at least mention it before filling out the application. Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

 So you’re saying you wouldn’t leave me for the chance to be one of the first humans to colonize another planet? I would at least mention it before filling out the application. Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

 I would at least mention it before filling out the application. Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said.

 I would at least mention it before filling out the application. Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said. And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite. First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.

 Huh, that’s exactly what Leonard, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Bernadette and Penny said. And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite. First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.

 And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite. First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application.

 And who says you could even survive an interplanetary mission, anyway? You could barely survive a tiny turtle bite. First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application. You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

 First of all, this has only made me stronger. But beyond that, all I did was fill out an application. You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

 You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

 You know what? Go to Mars, Sheldon. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? No. Forget it. What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?

 Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? No. Forget it. What if I play the Star Trek theme on my nose?

 Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer. Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?

 I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I’d like to tell you why I should be chosen to go to Mars. I’m exceedingly smart. I graduated college at 14. While my brother was getting an STD I was getting a PhD. Penicillin can’t take this away. Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important and my hygiene is impeccable. In fact, animals don’t trust me because I smell like nothing. Literally nothing. During the seven-month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humour. Hey, Leonard, is there any peanut brittle left in that can? You mean this weirdly suspicious one? Yes. Open it and check. I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.

 You mean this weirdly suspicious one? Yes. Open it and check. I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.

 Yes. Open it and check. I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.

 I don’t get it. There’s actually peanut brittle in… Please go to Mars.

 Seems a shame to throw it away. Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it. God, I love you. I love you so much.

 Yeah. We could give it to Sheldon, and tell him William Shatner painted it. God, I love you. I love you so much.

 I think I’m gonna go home. Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here. You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something. Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.

 Why? I really don’t understand what’s happening here. You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something. Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.

 You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something. Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too.

 You know, Sheldon, at any other time, learning that you had plans to go live on Mars would be a slow news day. But a couple of hours ago, we were getting a turtle. And silly as it sounds, I thought that meant something. Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too. Sure. Unless something better comes along. Do you want me to withdraw my application?

 Amy. Oh, why didn’t I give her Sleepy Time tea? Amy, wait. Getting a turtle meant a great deal to me, too. Sure. Unless something better comes along. Do you want me to withdraw my application?

 Sure. Unless something better comes along. Do you want me to withdraw my application?

 Sure. Unless something better comes along. Do you want me to withdraw my application? What I want is for us to be planning our future together. And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.

 Do you want me to withdraw my application? What I want is for us to be planning our future together. And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.

 What I want is for us to be planning our future together. And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work.

 What I want is for us to be planning our future together. And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work. We’re on the same planet. Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?

 And in that future, are we on the same planet? Because I’ve seen people make the long-distance thing work. We’re on the same planet. Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?

 We’re on the same planet. Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth?

 We’re on the same planet. Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth? Are you asking me to go to Mars with you? I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?

 Okay. Does that planet have to be Earth? Are you asking me to go to Mars with you? I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?

 Are you asking me to go to Mars with you? I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application?

 Are you asking me to go to Mars with you? I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application? Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting. Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?

 I am. Yeah, if I’m going to a barren, lifeless environment where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me. Why don’t we go back to the apartment, and fill out your application? Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting. Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?

 Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting. Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about?

 Okay. I suppose being the first people on a new planet would be incredibly exciting. Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about? You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars. You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?

 Oh, I know. We could be the first to plant a flag on Mars. We could be the first to watch Mars Attacks! on Mars. We could be the first to say good lord, what on Mars are you talking about? You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars. You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?

 You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars. You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you?

 You know, we could also be the first people to procreate on Mars. You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you? Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians. They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?

 You just can’t keep it in your space pants, can you? Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians. They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?

 Think about it. If we had a family there, our kids would be Martians. They would, wouldn’t they? We could give them cool Martian names. And we could teach them about Martian history. Like, who planted those flags? And, uh, where did that copy of Mars Attacks! come from?

 I promise. Why, what’s in there? Don’t worry about it. Good night.

 I’d say I’m sorry I asked, except I didn’t. Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote. Oh, let me see. I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

 Oh, look, it’s the Scientific American that covered the paper Leonard and I wrote. Oh, let me see. I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

 Oh, let me see. I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.

 Oh, let me see. I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks. Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all. Well, that can’t be right.

 I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks. Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all. Well, that can’t be right.

 Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all. Well, that can’t be right.

 Sheldon, this article doesn’t mention Leonard at all. Well, that can’t be right. It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him? All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.

 Well, that can’t be right. It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him? All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.

 It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him? All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards.

 It only refers to Dr. Cooper and his team. Did you even talk about him? All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards. Poor Leonard. Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.

 All I did was answer a few questions about the theory. And then expressed my gratitude that Scientific American doesn’t include any of those smelly perfume cards. Poor Leonard. Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.

 Poor Leonard. Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled.

 Poor Leonard. Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled. He might not be. Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.

 Why? The theory he came up with just got mentioned in Scientific American. He ought to be thrilled. He might not be. Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump.

 He might not be. Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump. Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team? Oh, I’d be incensed.

 Oh, maybe you’re right. He is kind of a lump. Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team? Oh, I’d be incensed.

 Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team? Oh, I’d be incensed.

 Think about it. How would you feel if you were referred to as part of Leonard’s team? Oh, I’d be incensed. So you see what I’m getting at? Squeaky wheel gets the grease?

 Oh, I’d be incensed. So you see what I’m getting at? Squeaky wheel gets the grease?

 So you see what I’m getting at? Squeaky wheel gets the grease? No. Grass is always greener?

 No. Grass is always greener? Try again. Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.

 Grass is always greener? Try again. Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me.

 Try again. Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me. Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad. But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.

 Well, I don’t know, we’re all Groot? Just tell me. Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad. But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.

 Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad. But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article.

 Leonard is as much a part of this paper as you are, and he was overlooked. He’s going to feel bad. But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article. Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it? Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.

 But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t exclude him. And I didn’t write the article. Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it? Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.

 Remember that time you didn’t get picked to pull the sword out of the stone at Disneyland and they let that other kid do it? Oh, that kid. Poor Leonard.

 Is that why you couldn’t get rid of her drawer full of ketchup packets? Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.

 Yes. It reminds me of us eating out and her saying quick, nobody’s looking, fill your pockets with ketchup.

 Yeah. Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that. Actually, your name is on the electric bill. Oh, right. This is a disaster.

 Good, good. And your name is on the electric bill and mine isn’t. And I’m okay with that. Actually, your name is on the electric bill. Oh, right. This is a disaster.

 Actually, your name is on the electric bill. Oh, right. This is a disaster.

 Actually, your name is on the electric bill. Oh, right. This is a disaster. I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree. Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.

 Oh, right. This is a disaster. I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree. Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.

 I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree. Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it.

 I don’t even know what you’re talking about and I agree. Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it. What’s going on? An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.

 Okay, I have to tell you something, but you’re not going to like it. What’s going on? An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.

 What’s going on? An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.

 What’s going on? An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory. Did they hate it? No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.

 An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory. Did they hate it? No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.

 Did they hate it? No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it.

 Did they hate it? No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it. So what’s the problem? You know how the PennySaver only has my name…

 No. No, they loved it. They, uh, couldn’t say enough nice things about it. So what’s the problem? You know how the PennySaver only has my name…

 So what’s the problem? You know how the PennySaver only has my name…

 So what’s the problem? You know how the PennySaver only has my name… Sheldon. They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.

 You know how the PennySaver only has my name… Sheldon. They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me.

 Sheldon. They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me. Really? I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.

 They didn’t mention you in the article. Only me. Really? I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.

 Really? I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight.

 Really? I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight. Uh, that, that’s not necessary. It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.

 I know. It’s not fair. Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let’s keep those tight. Uh, that, that’s not necessary. It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.

 Uh, that, that’s not necessary. It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse.

 Uh, that, that’s not necessary. It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse. Cooper and his team? You should know I had nothing to do with that.

 It is. They’re what hold back the urine and the faeces. Look, maybe, maybe you shouldn’t read it. It’ll only make you feel worse. Cooper and his team? You should know I had nothing to do with that.

 Cooper and his team? You should know I had nothing to do with that.

 Cooper and his team? You should know I had nothing to do with that. Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important. You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.

 You should know I had nothing to do with that. Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important. You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.

 Uh, at least they’re talking about the theory. I mean, that’s what’s important. You know, you’re right. Yeah. You know, it’s like when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created Spider-Man. Stan Lee may get all the credit, but Steve Ditko knows he was just as important. Even though Stan Lee gets to be in all the Marvel movies. And. and he’s far richer. And he’s a household name, you know? Whereas, you know, you say Ditko, and that sounds like a company that makes Dits.

 Look, I know shopping cheers you up, but it’s just not really my thing. Well, what about this helicopter you control with an iPad? Does it have a camera in it? It does have a camera in it.

 Well, what about this helicopter you control with an iPad? Does it have a camera in it? It does have a camera in it.

 Does it have a camera in it? It does have a camera in it. Baby’s listening. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 It does have a camera in it. Baby’s listening. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Baby’s listening. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard?

 Baby’s listening. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? What? I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? What? I spoke to the reporter at the magazine.

 What? I spoke to the reporter at the magazine. What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea? I did.

 I spoke to the reporter at the magazine. What happened? Did you tell him it was my idea? I did.

 I did. Thank you. What did he say? He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist. Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.

 Thank you. What did he say? He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist. Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.

 He said they made the editorial decision to only cite the lead scientist. Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea.

 Why did he think you’re the lead scientist? It was my idea. You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow. Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it. You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?

 You know, for an extra four bucks, I can have this thing here tomorrow. Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it. You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?

 Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it. You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks?

 Well, I know it was your idea, but the reporter said he’s been following my work for a while, and the only reason they even mentioned it in the magazine is ’cause my name is on it. You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks? If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working. Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?

 You know what? I did it. What’s four bucks? If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working. Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?

 If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working. Well then what if I told you that I added your name to the cable bill?

 No. Oh. That’s just as well. They had me on hold for 20 minutes and I hung up. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard? Also, Wolowitz invited us all to dinner, so I’m ready whenever you are.

 Yeah. But now he’s happy to let people think he’s responsible for everything. And that’s why you get an iPad helicopter.

 Of course. Wow, it looks really pretty in here. Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood. So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?

 Wow, it looks really pretty in here. Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood. So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?

 Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood. So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?

 So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house?

 Yeah, turns out half a dozen menorahs really sets a mood. So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house? And there goes the mood. Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.

 So, Stuart, have you thought about what you’d do if Howard sells the house? And there goes the mood. Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.

 And there goes the mood. Hi. Hello. Oh, and a special hello to Leonard, who needs to be mentioned by name.

 Do you need any help in the kitchen? No, we got it. You guys make yourselves comfortable. All right, hey, you two, we’re here for Howard right now, okay? Yes, so please behave yourselves.

 No, we got it. You guys make yourselves comfortable. All right, hey, you two, we’re here for Howard right now, okay? Yes, so please behave yourselves.

 All right, hey, you two, we’re here for Howard right now, okay? Yes, so please behave yourselves.

 That’s not true. We’ve got tomatoes right here. All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon. Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day. Oh, so it’s like The View.

 All these bright people sitting around a table by candlelight. Feels like we could be an 18th century French salon. Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day. Oh, so it’s like The View.

 Indeed. Penny, a salon is a gathering where intellectuals entertained each other with sparkling conversations about issues of the day. Oh, so it’s like The View.

 Certainly a lot more women are reading comic books now. It’s true. At the store, I had to put a seat on the toilet. We won’t know if there’s equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work. I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.

 It’s true. At the store, I had to put a seat on the toilet. We won’t know if there’s equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work. I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.

 We won’t know if there’s equality until female Thor has a baby and the Avengers are cool with her pumping breast milk at work. I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.

 I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor.

 I wonder if only a baby who is worthy can suckle at the bosom of Thor. Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss. I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution. Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?

 Okay, new salon topic. Salons, dumb thing from a long time ago or interesting thing made dumb by talking about superheroes? Discuss. I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution. Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?

 I don’t believe it matters what the topic is. What’s crucial for a salon is that we conduct the discussion in an elevated and insightful way. It’s all about the execution. Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?

 Of course you’d focus on that rather than the inspiration. Uh, new salon topic. What’s more important, an idea or its execution?

 Yeah, good for you, Leonard. That’s a lovely little notion. Kind of like, I wish I could talk to my uncle in Chicago. Yeah, now stand back while I invent the telephone. Hello? Oh, hold on. Leonard, it’s your uncle. He says you just got burned. Sheldon. Guys. No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?

 Sheldon. Guys. No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?

 Guys. No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?

 No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think?

 Guys. No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think? Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real. Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.

 No, it’s okay. We’re all adults trying to have an intelligent discussion. At least I am. Howard, what do you think? Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real. Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.

 Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real. Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said.

 Well, I guess, as an engineer, I lean towards execution. I spend my days trying to take ideas and make them real. Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said. Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering. Leonard, please. His mother just died.

 Well said, old chap. I thought eloquence had died, here it stands before us. Starting today, it’ll go Gettysburg Address, I have a dream, and what he just said. Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering. Leonard, please. His mother just died.

 Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering. Leonard, please. His mother just died.

 Oh, now he’s a genius? All you ever do is make fun of him and engineering. Leonard, please. His mother just died. You’re being ridiculous. Yeah, so are you.

 Leonard, please. His mother just died. You’re being ridiculous. Yeah, so are you.

 You’re being ridiculous. Yeah, so are you. Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon. Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.

 Yeah, so are you. Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon. Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.

 Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon. Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did.

 Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy, I’d go to my real salon. Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did. Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me. Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.

 Leonard, lots of people could’ve had that idea, but very few people could’ve worked out the math the way I did. Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me. Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.

 Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me. Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas.

 Lots of people also didn’t have that idea, like everyone in the entire world except for me. Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas. And girls. Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.

 Oh, well, apparently Leonard thinks he’s better than everyone in the whole world, including those fighting for our freedom. Yeah, well, I don’t know about you, but I support our boys overseas. And girls. Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest.

 Hey, you already ruined Thor, give it a rest. So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit? I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it. You want some of this? I’ll give you some.

 So I’m just supposed to be okay with you hogging all the credit? I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it. You want some of this? I’ll give you some.

 I didn’t hog anything. Unlike you and that weird lasagna with raisins in it. You want some of this? I’ll give you some.

 It’s why my people wandered the desert for 40 years. Took that long to walk it off. You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert… Shut up. So glad you two are done fighting.

 You see, Penny, the Israelites were in the desert… Shut up. So glad you two are done fighting.

 So glad you two are done fighting. Right now, I’m just trying to burp without throwing up. Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper. What’d they say?

 Right now, I’m just trying to burp without throwing up. Hang on. Physics Today mentioned the paper. What’d they say?

 Leonard, I’ve been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley. Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway. Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences. You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

 Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway. Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences. You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

 Okay, um, what do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley physics department? I’ll have fries with that. Because his education hasn’t prepared him for a career in the sciences. You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

 You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

 You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon. Are you all set for your trip? Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK. PRK?

 Are you all set for your trip? Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK. PRK?

 Yeah, I think so. I just restocked the old PRK. PRK? Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places. I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.

 PRK? Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places. I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.

 Public restroom kit. Everything a boy needs for making pee pee in new and strange places. I don’t see what’s crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.

 You still worried some Berkeley girl is gonna steal him away? Yes, who do you think gave him the danger whistle?

 If it’s half as much fun as One Times Ten to the Fourth Bottles of Beer on the Wall, I’m in. I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us. That soy Frappuccino I had. Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 I’ll begin. Uh, I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us. That soy Frappuccino I had. Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 That soy Frappuccino I had. Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us.

 That soy Frappuccino I had. Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us. I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos? I don’t want to play anymore.

 Will you please play the game? I can’t spy with my little eye something passing right through us. I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos? I don’t want to play anymore.

 I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos? I don’t want to play anymore.

 I don’t know, um, if 65 billion solar neutrinos pass through a square centimetre every second, given the surface area of this car is about 60,000 square centimetres, that means 3.9 times ten to the 15th solar neutrinos? I don’t want to play anymore. We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun. We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.

 I don’t want to play anymore. We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun. We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.

 We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun. We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging.

 We haven’t been on a road trip in a while. This is fun. We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging. No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool. I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.

 We get it, you won the game. Stop bragging. No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool. I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.

 No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool. I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that.

 No, listen, we wrote a paper together. Now we get to go to a university and talk about it? That’s pretty cool. I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that. What? This road trip just got crazy. Play that funky music, white boy.

 I suppose it is. In fact, if you’d like to celebrate with a little music, I’d be okay with that. What? This road trip just got crazy. Play that funky music, white boy.

 What? This road trip just got crazy. Play that funky music, white boy.

 Well, I guess as long as you’re keeping an open mind. Of course.

 Yes. And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well? Sure. Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?

 And this music we’re listening to right now is funky as well? Sure. Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?

 Sure. Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays?

 Sure. Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays? It could be. So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?

 Let me ask you this. Do you think this song is the music the white boy ultimately plays? It could be. So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?

 It could be. So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself?

 It could be. So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself? Exactly. Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.

 So it’s like the musical equivalent of Russell’s Paradox, the question of whether the set of all sets that don’t contain themselves as members contains itself? Exactly. Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun.

 Exactly. Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun. Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early. Will our hotel room be ready?

 Well then I hate it. Music should just be fun. Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early. Will our hotel room be ready?

 Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early. Will our hotel room be ready?

 Making great time. Gonna be there pretty early. Will our hotel room be ready? I doubt it. Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?

 Will our hotel room be ready? I doubt it. Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?

 I doubt it. Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective?

 I doubt it. Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective? If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see? Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.

 Aren’t you worried that sitting in the lobby for a long period of time might attract the attention of the hotel detective? If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see? Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.

 If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see? Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch.

 If we do, we’ll just tell him to hit the bricks, see? Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch. Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there. Why not?

 Seems a little confrontational, but all right. You know, we won’t be very far from Skywalker Ranch. Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there. Why not?

 Oh, that’s true. It’s not like we can get in there. Why not? I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in. Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

 Why not? I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in. Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

 I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in. Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

 I don’t think George Lucas put his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in. Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in. We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it. Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.

 Yoda’s swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That’s code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in. We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it. Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.

 We do have time. I mean, we could drive by and just look at it. Yes. Oh, I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.

 So it’s settled. The fate of Doctor Who’s TARDIS will be decided by a Game of Thrones inspired death-match on the battlefield of ThunderCats versus Transformers. If you still have that bra, I’ll give you a nickel for it.

 Wasn’t even that hard to find. This is so amazing. I know. You want to get a picture? I want more than a picture. I want to go in.

 This is so amazing. I know. You want to get a picture? I want more than a picture. I want to go in.

 I know. You want to get a picture? I want more than a picture. I want to go in.

 I know. You want to get a picture? I want more than a picture. I want to go in. Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us. Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?

 I want more than a picture. I want to go in. Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us. Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?

 Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us. Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?

 Well, so do I, but they’ll never let us. Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny? No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me. There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.

 Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny? No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me. There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.

 No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me. There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens.

 No, but I don’t have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me. There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens. Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous. Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.

 There’s a speaker box. Drive up, push the button, and let’s see what happens. Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous. Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.

 Okay, yeah. What do we have to lose? I’m a little nervous. Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations.

 Well, get over it. Confidence is key in these situations. Right. You pushed it, are you out of your mind? May I help you?

 Right. You pushed it, are you out of your mind? May I help you?

 Hello? This speaker’s not working, just pull up. And that’s how it’s done.

 We’re trying to get past a security guard, not rescue Zelda. I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan? Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy. Honesty will never get us in.

 I think what really needs to be rescued is your sense of whimsy, but one quest at a time. So what’s the plan? Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy. Honesty will never get us in.

 Uh, I’m just gonna be honest with the guy. Honesty will never get us in.

 Honesty will never get us in. Well, what’s your plan? All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed. Who are you here to see?

 Well, what’s your plan? All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed. Who are you here to see?

 All right, my plan is predicated on the assumption that they have a nurse’s office and your willingness to be lightly stabbed. Who are you here to see?

 Who are you here to see? Uh, I’m just gonna tell you the truth. Oh, you are killing me. We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.

 Uh, I’m just gonna tell you the truth. Oh, you are killing me. We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.

 Oh, you are killing me. We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.

 We don’t have an appointment. We, we’re just fans of Mr. Lucas’s work, and we thought we’d take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.

 Sorry, guys, we get this a lot. Can’t let you in. What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend. I’m sorry, don’t listen to him. We’re actually physicists. We’re giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to kill. Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.

 What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? A recording session I must attend. I’m sorry, don’t listen to him. We’re actually physicists. We’re giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to kill. Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.

 I’m sorry, don’t listen to him. We’re actually physicists. We’re giving a lecture at Berkeley later today. We just, we had some time to kill. Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.

 Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.

 Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys. I can’t let you in, but I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you. Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing? Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man. Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.

 Thank you so much. See? Maybe honesty is the best… What are you doing? Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man. Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.

 Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man. Don’t move. Code A-A-23, A-A-23.

 You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you. So did I.

 I don’t know. Maybe they’ll call Imperial Officers to take us to a holding cell on the Death Star. Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who… Oh, shut up. He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.

 Oh, I think that’s below the pay grade of an Imperial Officer. Stormtroopers are really the ones who… Oh, shut up. He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.

 Oh, shut up. He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.

 He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police.

 Oh, shut up. He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police. Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too. So, what are you in for?

 He’s right. Uh, Stormtroopers actually combine both the function of infantry and military police. Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too. So, what are you in for?

 Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too. So, what are you in for?

 Uh-huh, I’m normally very nice, but you shut up, too. So, what are you in for? Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong. But why are you here?

 So, what are you in for? Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong. But why are you here?

 Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up, the movies had such an impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere. Till I discovered the worlds he created and finally found a place where I belong. But why are you here?

 Excuse me. Leonard, they have a sculpture gallery. All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we’re gonna let you go with a warning. But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges. We understand. Thank you so much. Uh, what about me?

 All right, I talked to my supervisor, and we’re gonna let you go with a warning. But if you ever come back, we will call the police and press charges. We understand. Thank you so much. Uh, what about me?

 Yes, we missed our lecture, we were almost arrested, and you got me locked in a room with a man who forced his tongue down the throat of a stuffed Wookiee. Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty. The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why? Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.

 Boy, some people are just glass-half-empty. The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why? Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.

 The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why? Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong.

 The glass is empty, Sheldon. It’s completely empty. If you gave that glass to a man who was dying of thirst, he would be dead, do you know why? Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it. Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.

 Before I answer, was he a smoker? I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it. Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.

 Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it. Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser.

 Fine, then tell me how I should be looking at it. Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser. That part was pretty good. See?

 Well, not only did we go to Skywalker Ranch, we got in. And no one we know can say that. And for all the times you find me irritating, today you got to watch someone shoot me with a Taser. That part was pretty good. See?

 That part was pretty good. See? You did flop around a lot. I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.

 See? You did flop around a lot. I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.

 You did flop around a lot. I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate.

 You did flop around a lot. I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate. You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant. That’s amazing.

 I’ll take your word for it. I was too busy trying not to defecate. You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant. That’s amazing.

 You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant. That’s amazing.

 You know, when they were escorting us to the detaining room, I looked through a door, and I’m pretty sure I saw a display case with the Ark of the Covenant. That’s amazing. I know. And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?

 That’s amazing. I know. And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?

 I know. And I saw Jabba the Hutt riding by on a motorcycle. Although that was right after the Tasing, so who can say for sure?

 Yes, you are. No, I’m not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs? Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif. The guy who invented it says it’s jif.

 No, I’m not. Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called gifs or jifs? Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif. The guy who invented it says it’s jif.

 Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif. The guy who invented it says it’s jif.

 Well, the G stands for graphics. That’s a hard G, so I’d say gif. The guy who invented it says it’s jif. I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy? Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.

 The guy who invented it says it’s jif. I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy? Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.

 I’m sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy? Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated.

 Well, I’ll give you three guesses why I’m so irritated. Something happened different from the way you wanted it. I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included. Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.

 Something happened different from the way you wanted it. I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included. Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.

 I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included. Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.

 Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist.

 I guess news travels fast. It’s true, a select group of scientists was invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn’t included. Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist. Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass. You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

 Oh, Sheldon, I’m sure it’s not because they don’t think you’re an elite scientist. Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass. You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

 Yeah, I bet you anything it’s just ’cause you’re a pain in the ass. You’re just saying that to make me feel better.

 Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live. What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff? Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.

 What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff? Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.

 Can you please pass the salt? Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do. Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be? I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?

 Sure. It’s not like I was invited to Richard Feynman’s house and have anything better to do. Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be? I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?

 Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be? I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it?

 Is this how the rest of the night’s going to be? I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it? No, Sheldon. Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.

 I don’t know the future. Do you think there’s a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman’s house and everyone in it? No, Sheldon. Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night.

 No, Sheldon. Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night. According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night. You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.

 Then buckle up, you’re in for a cranky night. According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night. You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.

 According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we’re not allowed to pout or be moody on date night. You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.

 Probably not. It’s an evolutionary advantage to be included in group activities. You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb. Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do. Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.

 You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I’ve since evolved, and now I think it’s dumb. Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do. Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.

 Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do. Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself.

 Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do. Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself. When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees. I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

 Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you’re all by yourself. When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees. I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

 When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees. I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

 When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees. I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that. And at the same time, not. It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.

 I can just picture them all right now at Feynman’s house, probably discussing Schrodinger and at the same time, not discussing Schrodinger. See? They’re missing out on hilarious jokes like that. And at the same time, not. It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.

 And at the same time, not. It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much.

 And at the same time, not. It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much. You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort. Isn’t that a little juvenile?

 It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room and wouldn’t let me in. I hated that so much. You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort. Isn’t that a little juvenile?

 You know, there’s nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted, we could build a fort. Isn’t that a little juvenile?

 Well, how much do you owe? Maybe I can help you out. Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit? For those of you at home, I am shaking my head no.

 Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit? For those of you at home, I am shaking my head no.

 How’s it going, Sheldon? Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights. Can I come in? Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

 Wonderful. I just finished hanging the lights. Can I come in? Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

 Can I come in? Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

 Can I come in? Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket. Amazing. I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.

 Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket. Amazing. I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.

 Amazing. I know. This isn’t the printout. This is my real face.

 I’d say, Knox over Ticonderoga, ’cause it’s got the gold. Mm-hmm. And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over. Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.

 Mm-hmm. And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over. Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.

 And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over. Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner.

 And McBlanket over Sumter ’cause it has a higher thread count. Oh. Ten o’clock. Date night’s over. Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner. We both know this one’s gonna win. Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.

 Wait, no. We haven’t picked a winner. We both know this one’s gonna win. Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.

 We both know this one’s gonna win. Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library.

 We both know this one’s gonna win. Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library. Come on, I’ll help you take this down. Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?

 Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn’t have a secret physics lending library. Come on, I’ll help you take this down. Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?

 Come on, I’ll help you take this down. Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?

 Come on, I’ll help you take this down. Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later? Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover. That’s a big step.

 Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later? Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover. That’s a big step.

 Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover. That’s a big step.

 Well, as long as we’re suspending the parameters, I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover. That’s a big step. It’s a big fort. Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

 That’s a big step. It’s a big fort. Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

 It’s a big fort. Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover.

 It’s a big fort. Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover. PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers. G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.

 Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy-girl sleepover. PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers. G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.

 PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers. G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.

 PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers. G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers. You got yourself a sleepover. Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?

 G-rated, with a warning for families with babies and toddlers. You got yourself a sleepover. Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?

 You got yourself a sleepover. Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?

 Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up? It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room? Who says this is the only one I hid?

 It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we’d be in the living room? Who says this is the only one I hid?

 Hello? What is this? We built a fort. Are those my sheets? Yes, they are.

 Are those my sheets? Yes, they are. Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep. Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?

 Yes, they are. Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep. Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?

 Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep. Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort?

 Okay. Well, you kids have fun. I’m gonna go to sleep. Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort? Yeah, I’m good. Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.

 Well, Leonard, don’t you want to see the inside of the fort? Yeah, I’m good. Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.

 Yeah, I’m good. Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in.

 Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can’t come in. Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort? I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here. Thank you.

 Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort? I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here. Thank you.

 I want to say no, but it’s too glorious. Get in here. Thank you.

 Sure. Really? Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…

 Really? Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…

 Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S…

 Yeah. Well, I like music, I like science, I like making fun of Sheldon. Hit it. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S… Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it. Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.

 There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. J-A-M-E-S, C-L-E-R-K space M-A-X-W-E-L-L, And James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o. There was a scientist who had a theory and James Clerk Maxwell was his name-o, A-M-E-S… Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it. Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.

 Uh, okay, okay. Uh, we, we get it. Perhaps you’d prefer this one. The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all, because it haseight legs and two body parts.

 That’s pretty cool, Sheldon. Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it. Hey. Hey.

 Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it. Hey. Hey.

 Hello. You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA’s been working on? Yeah. Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.

 You guys know the new Discovery class missions that NASA’s been working on? Yeah. Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.

 Yeah. Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.

 Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.

 Yeah. Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life. Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot. All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.

 Well, they’re looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life. Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot. All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.

 Oh. When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot. All right, you can’t breathe our air without an inhaler, he’s allergic to Earth nuts, but I’m the alien.

 Excellent. Good for you. Congratulations. And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.

 Good for you. Congratulations. And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.

 Congratulations. And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.

 And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it.

 Congratulations. And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it. Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind? I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.

 And I was wondering if any of you guys would like to help me do it. Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind? I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.

 Are you kidding? Yes. What did you have in mind? I’ll tell you exactly what you should do, avoid the presumption of the Terran sensory input paradigm.

 No. We can do this by ourselves. Okay. Great. How do you want to start? I don’t know. How do you want to start?

 Okay. Great. How do you want to start? I don’t know. How do you want to start?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. (Knock, knock, knock) Sheldon. I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it. Yeah, I kind of want to do it again. I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.

 I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it. Yeah, I kind of want to do it again. I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.

 Yeah, I kind of want to do it again. I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali.

 Yeah, I kind of want to do it again. I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali. Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you. How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

 I don’t recommend it. You’ll be doing it the rest of your life. Anyway, if you’re looking for Leonard, he’s with Koothrappali. Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you. How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

 Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you. How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

 Uh, no, I actually came to talk to you. How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags. No, no. It’s about my acting career. Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.

 How nice. Here are some topics that interest me, quantum mechanics, trains, flags. No, no. It’s about my acting career. Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.

 No, no. It’s about my acting career. Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list.

 No, no. It’s about my acting career. Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list. Well. Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.

 Oh, sorry. That’s not on the list. Well. Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.

 Well. Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy.

 Well. Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy. Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up. Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

 Oh, wait. No. How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an archduchy and not just a regular duchy. Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up. Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

 Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up. Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

 Okay, look, here’s the thing. I like pharmaceutical sales, it’s going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up. Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you. Well, why? I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

 Hmm. I know exactly what you should do. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you. Well, why? I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

 Well, why? I’m attempting to turn over a new leaf. Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

 Okay. Sheldon, let me ask you a question. Mmm. If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on? Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?

 Mmm. If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on? Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?

 If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on? Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice?

 If I was at a train station and one train could take me to my current job and the other train could take me to an audition for a movie, which train should I get on? Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice? No. All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.

 Are you using trains to trick me into giving you advice? No. All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.

 No. All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information.

 No. All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information. Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man. Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?

 All right, then. You should take a third train where you audition for the movie but hold off on making a career decision until you have more information. Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man. Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?

 Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man. Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?

 Oh. You’re right. I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened yet. Huh. You are a wise man. Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice? Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks. No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.

 Well, Penny, who’s smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice? Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks. No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.

 Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks. No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man.

 Oh, I guess you’re right. Maybe it is the person who asks. No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man. I’m sorry. What was I thinking? Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?

 No, it’s the wise man. That’s why he’s called the wise man. You know how I know that? I’m the wise man. I’m sorry. What was I thinking? Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?

 I’m sorry. What was I thinking? Uh, just out of curiosity, why didn’t you ask Leonard for advice about this?

 Exactly what Sheldon and Howard said. Well, thank you for peeing in my slippers.

 You didn’t let me finish. And also regarding the bat, it has sonar. Hey. Hello. Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.

 Hey. Hello. Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.

 Hello. Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.

 Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project.

 Hello. Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project. Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon? I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.

 Look, I know you guys are upset, but we’ve talked about it, and we think it’d be beneficial for you to be part of the project. Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon? I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.

 Well, well, well, did you hear that, Sheldon? I’m sorry. I was trying to think of what rhymes with nose of the aardvark.

 We want you back on the project with us. Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard? Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I’d love your help. I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.

 Well, well, well, did you hear that, Howard? Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I’d love your help. I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.

 Look, we admit it. The idea that you guys came up with was really good, and I’d love your help. I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that.

 I suppose it couldn’t have been easy for you to say that. It wasn’t, so are you in? Certainly. Sure.

 Certainly. Sure. Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it. Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.

 Sure. Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it. Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.

 Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get together tonight and work on it. Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.

 So, I’d like to try a technique where no one gets steamrolled. When you talk, instead of bringing up a new idea, respect what was just said by building on it. Uh, building on that, we should order dinner. How is that building on what he just said? Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.

 Uh, building on that, we should order dinner. How is that building on what he just said? Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.

 How is that building on what he just said? Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese.

 Building on what Sheldon said, I could go for Chinese. Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said. Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado. Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.

 Hang on. Building on what Leonard said, no one built on what I said. Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado. Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.

 Building on building on that, there’s a new build-your-own pizza place on Colorado. Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.

 Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant.

 Building on that, I’d like to remind you, I’m lactose intolerant. I saw the menu. They have soy cheese. Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out. It’s not Simon Says.

 I saw the menu. They have soy cheese. Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out. It’s not Simon Says.

 Bah, you didn’t say building on. You’re out. It’s not Simon Says.

 Okay, since we agree on the delivery system for the message, maybe we should talk about what the message could be. Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like. The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it. Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.

 Well, I think we should show what earthlings look like. The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it. Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.

 The plaque they sent up on the Pioneer probe had a drawing of a naked man and woman on it. Yeah, I never cared for that. It’s advertising to predator races just how soft and squishy we are.

 Squeeze yourself. Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency. Well, maybe there’s a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger. You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.

 Oh, don’t be offended. You know, of the four of us, you have the most veal-like consistency. Well, maybe there’s a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger. You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.

 Well, maybe there’s a way to appear non-aggressive, but also be able to protect ourselves if necessary. Like smiling and waving with one hand, but the other hand holding the severed head of a tiger. You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.

 You want to send a passive-aggressive message out into the universe? That’s ridiculous.

 Oh, you mean passive-aggressive like posting pictures of you and your wife eating cosmopolitan balls that you know belong in my mouth? Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard. Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over. It’s not always.

 Perhaps Howard meant passive-aggressive like asking our group to help on your project, and then only choosing Leonard. Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over. It’s not always.

 Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but you do have strong personalities and always end up taking over. It’s not always.

 You let a guy sit on me. He was dressed as Princess Leia. It made a nice picture. I’m just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside. Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.

 He was dressed as Princess Leia. It made a nice picture. I’m just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside. Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.

 I’m just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside. Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.

 Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard.

 I’m just saying, sometimes Raj and I feel pushed aside. Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard. You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you. Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.

 Yeah. Like when you took Sheldon to Texas and showed him all around NASA, you didn’t even think to ask me and Leonard. You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you. Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.

 You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you. Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing.

 You know what? You’re right. I should have asked you. Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing. Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us. Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.

 Yeah, and if he does ask you, go. It’s amazing. Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us. Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.

 Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us. Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience.

 Okay, and if we’re talking about being left out of things, you guys went to Skywalker Ranch without us. Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience. Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us. I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?

 Oh, I recommend that, too. That was a magical experience. Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us. I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?

 Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us. I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out?

 Wait a minute. Sheldon spent a whole day with James Earl Jones and never told any of us. I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out? Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge. Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?

 I sure did. Oh, my goodness. Well, from Jabba’s head to ice cream with Darth Vader, I’m having a heck of a ride. Yeah, look, clearly, good things happen when I’m in charge. Now, why don’t you boys step aside, let me knock this project out? Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge. Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?

 Sheldon, you’re not in charge. Raj is in charge. Leonard, who’s really in charge? The person in charge, or those who put him in charge?

 I’ll figure it out. It streams HD video straight to your phone while it’s flying. Nice. Where were you when I was single? Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?

 It streams HD video straight to your phone while it’s flying. Nice. Where were you when I was single? Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?

 Nice. Where were you when I was single? Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?

 Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed? Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes. If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed. Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

 Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes. If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed. Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

 If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed. Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

 Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before?

 If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you’re packed. Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before? Nope. It’s pretty exciting. Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?

 Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before? Nope. It’s pretty exciting. Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?

 Nope. It’s pretty exciting. Aren’t you afraid of being blinded?

 Nope. It’s pretty exciting. Aren’t you afraid of being blinded? How would I be blinded? At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

 Aren’t you afraid of being blinded? How would I be blinded? At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

 How would I be blinded? At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It’s all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

 I don’t know. Why do I own one? I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny. Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me. Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.

 I think it’s really nice that you’re sharing this experience with Penny. Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me. Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.

 Mm, I thought it’d be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me. Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist.

 Are you sure? I could pretend I’m a high school cheerleader who can’t control herself around esteemed alumni. Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders. Ooh.

 Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera’s on, they’re both on the same network. We should be getting an image. All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad. Maybe we should recalibrate it. All right.

 All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad. Maybe we should recalibrate it. All right.

 Maybe we should recalibrate it. All right. Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times. It actually says at least?

 All right. Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times. It actually says at least?

 Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times. It actually says at least?

 Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times. It actually says at least? Yeah. Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

 It actually says at least? Yeah. Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

 Yeah. Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles?

 Yeah. Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles? Sheldon. You see where I’m going with this.

 Why would they say at least? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles? Sheldon. You see where I’m going with this.

 Sheldon. You see where I’m going with this. Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow. All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

 You see where I’m going with this. Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow. All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

 Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow. All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter.

 Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow. All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter. Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green. Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

 All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically at least ten. But they’re still getting at least one angry letter. Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green. Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

 Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green. Initiating rotation sequence. Don’t look at me, initiate. What does red and yellow mean?

 But, Daddy, I, I miss my family so much, and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can’t hug you every day, flying that helicopter… I’m cutting you off. Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?

 I’m cutting you off. Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?

 No red and yellow, no red and yellow. Yay. It’s green. We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

 Yay. It’s green. We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

 It’s green. We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it.

 It’s green. We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it. Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off. Oh, no.

 We did it. Oh, if it’s this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it. Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off. Oh, no.

 Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off. Oh, no.

 Yeah, now about those, uh, they came from a costume shop, and all they had left was sexy graduate, so they might be a little short. Short and sexy, that’s my wheelhouse. Yeah.

 Boy, oh, boy, that’s a lot of pieces. You know what they all do, right? Yes, of course. What about this one?

 You know what they all do, right? Yes, of course. What about this one?

 Yes, of course. What about this one? Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits? Not very.

 What about this one? Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits? Not very.

 Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits? Not very.

 Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits? Not very. That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit. So, can you get it working?

 Not very. That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit. So, can you get it working?

 That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit. So, can you get it working?

 I’m an MIT-trained engineer. I’ve built components for the space station. I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work. It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet. Hey, guys.

 I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn’t work. It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet. Hey, guys.

 It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet. Hey, guys.

 It worked fine, it just wasn’t designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet. Hey, guys. Hey. Hello.

 I have to return the helicopter. My father… What did you do? Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon. I don’t freaking believe this. Relax, it’ll be fine.

 Well, don’t worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn’t originate in a Russian man’s colon. I don’t freaking believe this. Relax, it’ll be fine.

 I don’t freaking believe this. Relax, it’ll be fine. No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it. You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

 Relax, it’ll be fine. No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it. You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

 No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it. You can’t return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty.

 Well, I’m gonna go put on some pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing. Add a belt and I’ll take you some place nice. Oh. Done and done.

 Add a belt and I’ll take you some place nice. Oh. Done and done.

 Very impressive. You know, when you’re done with that, can you look at this? It doesn’t make smoke anymore. One toy at a time. Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados. What’s the first one?

 One toy at a time. Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados. What’s the first one?

 Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it’s for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados. What’s the first one?

 Wrong. Obesity. I have the tool you wanted. Thank you. You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

 I have the tool you wanted. Thank you. You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

 Thank you. You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

 You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter.

 You guys don’t have to go to the trouble. I’m back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter. It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am. Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could. Why don’t you just call tech support?

 It’s not about the money. It’s about solving a problem. It’s why I became an engineer. It’s what I like to do, it’s what I’m trained to do. It’s who I am. Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could. Why don’t you just call tech support?

 Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could. Why don’t you just call tech support?

 Not cool. What? There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support. I call tech support all the time.

 What? There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support. I call tech support all the time.

 There’s two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support. I call tech support all the time.

 Oh. Hello. I, I didn’t know he was gonna point it at me, so, don’t do drugs and stay in school. They’re graduating. Okay, bye.

 All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we’re back in business. Let’s just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi? Check. GPS? Check.

 Battery charged? Check. Four hours of our lives gone? Check. All right. All systems go. In five…

 Check. Four hours of our lives gone? Check. All right. All systems go. In five…

 Four hours of our lives gone? Check. All right. All systems go. In five…

 I’ll, I’ll tell you later. My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they’re gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.

 My point is, while you’re spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you’re really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they’re gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it’s over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations.

 Hang on, hang on. It’s working. I did it. How’d you do that? No idea, but I did it. Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.

 How’d you do that? No idea, but I did it. Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.

 No idea, but I did it. Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside.

 No idea, but I did it. Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside. Well, I’m not flying it. Then who is?

 Maybe you shouldn’t be flying it inside. Well, I’m not flying it. Then who is?

 Well, I’m not flying it. Then who is? I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else. Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

 Then who is? I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else. Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

 I don’t know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else. Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. Hey, the camera’s working. Oh, look, it’s me.

 Tech Support, can I help you? Yes, it’s a robot uprising. Call the police.

 Leonard, what time does your mom’s plane get in? I don’t know, some time tomorrow morning. Don’t you want to know for sure? No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

 I don’t know, some time tomorrow morning. Don’t you want to know for sure? No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

 Don’t you want to know for sure? No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

 No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force.

 No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I’ll feel a disturbance in the Force. It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award. Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look? Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.

 It’s so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award. Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look? Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.

 Well, my mother’s been there for every honour I’ve won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look? Aw, it’s so nice. She’s gonna love it.

 You know, your mom’s never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me. If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you. Really? It didn’t work for you. Do you think the moms will get along?

 If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you. Really? It didn’t work for you. Do you think the moms will get along?

 Really? It didn’t work for you. Do you think the moms will get along?

 Do you think the moms will get along? Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different. Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?

 Uh, I don’t know. They’re pretty different. Maybe they’ll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar?

 Shelly, I’m so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award. Oh, thank you, Mother. I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand. Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 Oh, thank you, Mother. I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand. Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand. Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.

 I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand. Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. What did they feed the lions, Mother?

 Oh, it’s quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. What did they feed the lions, Mother?

 Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. What did they feed the lions, Mother?

 Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. What did they feed the lions, Mother? The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course. Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

 What did they feed the lions, Mother? The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course. Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

 The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course. Listen, Leonard’s mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she’s here?

 East Texas. Ugh. Hey, look who’s here. Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.

 Ugh. Hey, look who’s here. Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.

 Hey, look who’s here. Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it’s so good to see you again.

 Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive. Oh, thank you. We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper? Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

 Oh, thank you. We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper? Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

 We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper? Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

 Of course I did, but it’s a mother’s job to make sure her child’s self-esteem is not dependent on anyone’s approval.

 He did? Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific. Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis? You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.

 Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he’s terrific. Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis? You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.

 Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis? You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself.

 Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis? You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself. Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind? Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

 You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself. Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind? Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

 Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind? Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

 Calm down, dear. Mary, I’m curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind? Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius. Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed. Ooh, this is a good one.

 Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius. Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed. Ooh, this is a good one.

 Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed. Ooh, this is a good one.

 Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed. Ooh, this is a good one. Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free. Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.

 Ooh, this is a good one. Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free. Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.

 Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn’t think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free. Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium.

 Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends. But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends. No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad. Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

 But I wasn’t. ‘Cause I didn’t have any friends. No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad. Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

 No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad. Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.

 Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now? I do. And some of it’s wool, so dry flat if possible.

 Shelly does not like change. Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen. Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly. Hello. Oh, okay.

 Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen. Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly. Hello. Oh, okay.

 Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly. Hello. Oh, okay.

 Good to see you again, dear. Ah, yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about. So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged. Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.

 Ah, yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about. So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged. Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.

 So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged. Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring.

 So, Mom, you haven’t seen Penny since we got engaged. Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring. Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive. Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

 Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring. Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive. Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

 Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive. Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits.

 Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive. Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits. We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second? Oh, sure.

 Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits. We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second? Oh, sure.

 We did not. That’s not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second? Oh, sure.

 Oh, sure. It came from Tiffany’s. You mean the box, right? Keep walking.

 You mean the box, right? Keep walking. Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think. Did I misspeak about the ring?

 Keep walking. Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think. Did I misspeak about the ring?

 Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think. Did I misspeak about the ring?

 Really doesn’t matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think. Did I misspeak about the ring? Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers. Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?

 Did I misspeak about the ring? Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers. Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?

 Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers. Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning?

 Yes, and we’ll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You’re like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers. Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning? Yes, you are a super weaner. Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

 Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning? Yes, you are a super weaner. Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

 Yes, you are a super weaner. Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you’re looking for is a double mother suckler.

 Try me. When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean? : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

 When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean? : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

 : It means, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

 Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself.

 For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck. Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship. You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

 Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship. You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

 You’re right. It’s time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess.

 I’m terribly sorry that I upset your mother. Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell. I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies. Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

 Oh, it’s all right. She’ll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell. I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies. Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

 I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies. Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

 I can’t help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies. Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat. But look how well you turned out. I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

 Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat. But look how well you turned out. I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

 But look how well you turned out. I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are.

 But look how well you turned out. I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are. I suppose. While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

 I’d feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard’s brother and sister are. I suppose. While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

 I suppose. While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

 And I will pray for you. Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else. One moment. There’s something I need to say to you. Oh, really? That’s too bad.

 Okay, Mom, let’s get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else. One moment. There’s something I need to say to you. Oh, really? That’s too bad.

 One moment. There’s something I need to say to you. Oh, really? That’s too bad.

 It’s the hard-knock life for us, it’s the hard-knock life for us. ‘Stead of treated, we get tricked, ‘stead of kisses, we get kicked, it’s the hard-knock life. Got no folks to speak of so it’s the hard-knock row we hoe, cotton blankets ‘stead of wool, empty bellies ‘stead of full, it’s a hard-knock life.

 Can you believe it’s been five years since our first date? I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show? That’s what you’re thinking about? Well, one of the things.

 I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show? That’s what you’re thinking about? Well, one of the things.

 That’s what you’re thinking about? Well, one of the things. Are any of them me? Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.

 Well, one of the things. Are any of them me? Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.

 Are any of them me? Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway.

 Are any of them me? Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway. What are you doing? You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.

 Yes. I thought, I can’t decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I’ll ask Amy. Anyway. What are you doing? You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.

 What are you doing? You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood.

 What are you doing? You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood. I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show. Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.

 You’re right, you did kind of kill the mood. I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show. Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.

 I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show. Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here.

 I didn’t kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show. Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here. Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch? Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.

 Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn’t a decision to take lightly. I’m wrestling with a big commitment issue here. Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch? Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.

 Really? That’s the commitment issue you’re wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch? Irony’s not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.

 That was really intense. Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables. Hey. Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.

 Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers’ market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables. Hey. Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance.

 Hey. Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance. Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite? What happened?

 Oh, good. You’re here. I need your assistance. Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite? What happened?

 Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite? What happened?

 Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite? What happened? Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals. Been there.

 What happened? Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals. Been there.

 Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals. Been there.

 Oh, your buddy got mugged by some baby farm animals. Been there. Mmm. So what do you need help with? Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.

 Been there. Mmm. So what do you need help with? Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.

 Mmm. So what do you need help with? Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why.

 Mmm. So what do you need help with? Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why. Okay. Were you talking before she got upset? Yes.

 Amy’s mad at me, and I’m not clear why. Okay. Were you talking before she got upset? Yes.

 Okay. Were you talking before she got upset? Yes. That’s probably it. What’d you say to her? Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.

 Yes. That’s probably it. What’d you say to her? Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.

 That’s probably it. What’d you say to her? Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series.

 That’s probably it. What’d you say to her? Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series. And that made her angry? Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.

 Well, I just asked her if I should start watching the new Flash TV series. And that made her angry? Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.

 And that made her angry? Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face.

 Baffling, right? We were necking like a couple of hooligans under the school bleachers. I stopped so I could ask the question. Next thing I know, good-bye, kissy face. Hello, yelly face. Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her. It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash. Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?

 Well, Sheldon, when you’re kissing a girl, she expects the attention to be on her. It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash. Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?

 It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash. Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard?

 It was. I asked her if she thought I should watch The Flash. Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard? I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show. Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.

 Yeah. I’m tapping out. Leonard? I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show. Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.

 I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show. Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.

 I’m gonna guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show. Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines. I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you. Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

 Oh, no, not just a season. If I’m in, I’m in for the whole run, even if the quality declines. I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you. Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

 I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you. Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

 I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you. Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly. Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night. Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.

 Yeah. Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly. Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night. Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.

 Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night. Oh, not just date night, our fifth anniversary.

 Thanks for cooking. Mmm. My pleasure. That carrot was delicious. Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.

 Mmm. My pleasure. That carrot was delicious. Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.

 That carrot was delicious. Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em.

 That carrot was delicious. Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em. Still haven’t heard from her? No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.

 Yeah. I wish I’d fought harder for the rest of ’em. Still haven’t heard from her? No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.

 Still haven’t heard from her? No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now.

 Still haven’t heard from her? No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now. Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship. Too slow?

 No, and I’m confused. It’s been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she’s wrong by now. Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship. Too slow?

 Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship. Too slow?

 Hey, I don’t think she’s wrong about you going too slow in the relationship. Too slow? Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together. That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.

 Too slow? Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together. That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.

 Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together. That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship.

 Yeah, you’ve been going out for years. You haven’t even slept together. That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship. Uh, hello. Hello.

 That’s right. It’s called foreplay. And I could make the case that you two aren’t moving forward in your relationship. Uh, hello. Hello.

 Uh, hello. Hello. No. Sheldon, we’re getting married. But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.

 Hello. No. Sheldon, we’re getting married. But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.

 No. Sheldon, we’re getting married. But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date.

 No. Sheldon, we’re getting married. But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date. Well, we will. We’re just not in a rush. Okay.

 But you’ve been engaged for over a year now, and you don’t even have a wedding date. Well, we will. We’re just not in a rush. Okay.

 I’m focusing on my job. And we’ve been busy with our paper. So busy. Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date.

 And we’ve been busy with our paper. So busy. Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date.

 So busy. Yeah, we’ll pick a date when we pick a date. Yeah. Okay.

 You still want to get married, right? Oh, my God. Yes. Why would you even ask that? I don’t know. Because we don’t have a date? Well, you want a date, pick a date.

 Oh, my God. Yes. Why would you even ask that? I don’t know. Because we don’t have a date? Well, you want a date, pick a date.

 I don’t know. Because we don’t have a date? Well, you want a date, pick a date.

 I doubt it. Okay, two friends each. All right, well, I want it in a church. Fine. I want black-tie.

 Okay, two friends each. All right, well, I want it in a church. Fine. I want black-tie.

 All right, well, I want it in a church. Fine. I want black-tie.

 Fine. I want to release butterflies. Seriously? Airborne worms? Okay. Well, then it’s settled. Small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies. Sounds perfect.

 Seriously? Airborne worms? Okay. Well, then it’s settled. Small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies. Sounds perfect.

 Okay. Well, then it’s settled. Small indoor church wedding, black-tie, no butterflies. Sounds perfect.

 I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have asked so many questions. No, it’s okay. Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff. Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?

 No, it’s okay. Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff. Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?

 Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff. Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug?

 Yeah, maybe it’s good you got us talking about this stuff. Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug? Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now. Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?

 Well, look at that, even when I’m causing problems, I make the world a better place. Hey, next, why don’t we tackle your penchant for whining and Penny’s love of the ol’ glug-glug? Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now. Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?

 Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now. Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date?

 Uh, Sheldon, I think we’re good for now. Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date? Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything. So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?

 Ah, well, very well. So does this mean you’ll finally pick a wedding date? Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything. So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?

 Here we go again. Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We’re committed to each other. We’re happy. A ceremony isn’t gonna change anything. So you’re never getting married? It’s his whining, isn’t it?

 Sheldon, I’m not a whiner. It’s amusing that he doesn’t hear it. Look, all she’s saying is we are in love so it doesn’t matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now. Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.

 It’s amusing that he doesn’t hear it. Look, all she’s saying is we are in love so it doesn’t matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now. Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.

 Look, all she’s saying is we are in love so it doesn’t matter if we get married tomorrow or a year from now or 50 years from now. Ew, 50? We’ll be old and gross.

 My aunt and uncle were married 63 years. Towards the end, it was like watching cheese melt. Um, I’m free tonight. Are you saying you want to get married? Vegas isn’t that far away.

 Um, I’m free tonight. Are you saying you want to get married? Vegas isn’t that far away.

 Are you saying you want to get married? Vegas isn’t that far away.

 Vegas isn’t that far away. I’m in. Let’s do it. After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you. Oh, thank you.

 I’m in. Let’s do it. After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you. Oh, thank you.

 After all these years. I’m really happy for the two of you. Oh, thank you.

 Yes. And it’s the happiest day of our lives. Ha-ha, don’t push it.

 Hello. Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think… I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years. Strongly disagree. Go on.

 Hello. Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think… I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years. Strongly disagree. Go on.

 I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years. Strongly disagree. Go on.

 I’ve been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I’ve been incredibly patient for years. Strongly disagree. Go on. Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation. Oh.

 Strongly disagree. Go on. Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation. Oh.

 Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation. Oh.

 Okay, well, this isn’t easy to say, because I love you, but I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation. Oh. I hope you understand. Okay.

 ‘Cause there’s a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don’t believe they can land a short, nearsighted scientist. Let’s give them hope. Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I’ve always wanted a wedding with a comment section. If you’re not into this, we can do it another time. No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

 Whatever. Put us on the Internet. I’ve always wanted a wedding with a comment section. If you’re not into this, we can do it another time. No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

 If you’re not into this, we can do it another time. No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

 No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it.

 If you’re not into this, we can do it another time. No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it. Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey. Leonard, have you gotten married yet?

 No. No, I want to. Look, we’ve put this off long enough. Let’s do it. Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey. Leonard, have you gotten married yet?

 Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey. Leonard, have you gotten married yet?

 Aw. That’s exactly what you said the first time we slept together. (Phone) Oh, excuse me. Sheldon. Hey. Leonard, have you gotten married yet? No. Why? Good. Don’t do it.

 Leonard, have you gotten married yet? No. Why? Good. Don’t do it.

 No. Why? Good. Don’t do it. Why not? Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

 Good. Don’t do it. Why not? Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

 Why not? Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

 Amy has ended our relationship. Oh, no. Seriously? What’s going on? Amy broke up with Sheldon.

 What’s going on? Amy broke up with Sheldon. She did? Is Penny crying?

 She did? Is Penny crying? No. No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.

 Is Penny crying? No. No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering.

 No. No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering. Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

 No, of course not. They thrive on our suffering. Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

 Buddy, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me like I do to you when you say dumb things.

 Uh, actually I’m in Vegas. Leonard and I are about to get married. Hold on. You’re getting married and you didn’t invite me? Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.

 Hold on. You’re getting married and you didn’t invite me? Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.

 Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here.

 Well, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here. Amy, don’t be like that. Why did I just hear Amy’s name?

 Wow. Hope I can catch the bouquet from here. Amy, don’t be like that. Why did I just hear Amy’s name?

 Penny’s on the phone with her. Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care. Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special. Hey.

 Did she say anything about me? Never mind. I don’t care. Well, if you care, you can find out and tell me. Just don’t be shocked when you find out that I don’t care. Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special. Hey.

 Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special. Hey.

 Okay, will you relax? You’re not missing anything special. Hey. She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit. Amy’s upset? Is it about me?

 Hey. She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit. Amy’s upset? Is it about me?

 She’s upset. Look, it’s gonna be a great wedding. Look at you in your little suit. Amy’s upset? Is it about me?

 No, I think it’s because we’re eloping. Your marriage is causing her pain? Yeah, great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love.

 Oh. What are you doing here? When last we spoke, you said you needed time. Well, it’s only been 11 hours. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

 When last we spoke, you said you needed time. Well, it’s only been 11 hours. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

 Well, it’s only been 11 hours. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

 Well, it’s only been 11 hours. The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity. Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know. Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

 The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly 11 hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity. Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know. Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

 Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know. Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?

 Sheldon, when I’m ready to talk, I’ll let you know. Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you? Sure. Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.

 Very well. You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you? Sure. Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again.

 Sure. Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again. We’re not back together. Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

 Boy, I’m glad we’re going out again. We’re not back together. Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

 We’re not back together. Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you?

 We’re not back together. Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you? If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding. And who’s this guy you’re taking?

 Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn’t wait for that first notch on your bedpost, could you? If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding. And who’s this guy you’re taking?

 If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding. And who’s this guy you’re taking?

 If you must know, I’m going to Howard and Bernadette’s to watch the wedding. And who’s this guy you’re taking? There’s no guy. Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.

 And who’s this guy you’re taking? There’s no guy. Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.

 There’s no guy. Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad.

 There’s no guy. Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad. I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends. Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

 Oh, you’re going to a wedding alone? That’s sad. I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends. Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

 I’m not gonna be alone. I’ll be with my friends. Your friends? Well, I think you mean my friends. And why wasn’t I invited to this?

 I’m not saying anything bad. Just that she was in love with her captor and somehow managed to escape from his dark and crazy dungeon. I know what you’re going through. My, my, my last breakup was pretty tough. Oh. What was her name? Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.

 I know what you’re going through. My, my, my last breakup was pretty tough. Oh. What was her name? Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.

 Oh. What was her name? Hey, it’s a true story. I don’t need the third degree.

 For God’s sake, Sheldon, what are you doing? I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom. Howard, do something. I’m on it.

 I didn’t want to come in. I was told it would make everyone feel uncomfortable. So I’ll just stay out here and pretend that I don’t have to go to the bathroom. Howard, do something. I’m on it.

 Raj, you’re probably wondering why Amy and I aren’t showing any affection to one another. Didn’t even crack the top ten. Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me. I said I needed time to think.

 Didn’t even crack the top ten. Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me. I said I needed time to think.

 Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me. I said I needed time to think.

 Well, you should know that she recently broke up with me. I said I needed time to think. I’m sure you guys will figure something out. You hear that? Raj is devastated.

 I said I needed time to think. I’m sure you guys will figure something out. You hear that? Raj is devastated.

 I’m sure you guys will figure something out. You hear that? Raj is devastated.

 I’m sure you guys will figure something out. You hear that? Raj is devastated. Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting. I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

 You hear that? Raj is devastated. Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting. I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

 Sheldon, shh. The wedding’s starting. I see what’s happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette’s on Amy’s team, I pick Howard.

 Aw, that was beautiful. Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful. No, we totally won. Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

 Yeah. I mean, not like our wedding beautiful. No, we totally won. Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

 No, we totally won. Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind.

 Amy, I don’t understand, are we broken up or not? It’s like you can’t make up your mind. It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think. Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date. You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

 It’s because you’re not giving me any space to think. Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date. You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

 Well, you should think fast, because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you’re toting around have a sell-by date. You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

 You know what, Sheldon, you’ve made this really easy. You’re immature, you’re selfish, you just insulted me to my face. I don’t need any more time to think. We’re broken up.

 Oh, okay. So you’re saying this is my fault? No, of course not. Okay, look, instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.

 No, of course not. Okay, look, instead of fighting, why don’t we dim the lights, um, get naked and make a baby? I was trying to lighten the mood. It’s not easy. You try it.

 Shelly! How’s my baby doing? I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head. Oh, what’s going on? She broke up with me.

 I just wanted to let you know that you can remove Amy from your nightly prayers. Unless you’re open to praying for a beehive to fall on her head. Oh, what’s going on? She broke up with me.

 Oh, what’s going on? She broke up with me. Oh, Shelly. No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

 She broke up with me. Oh, Shelly. No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

 Oh, Shelly. No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you.

 Oh, Shelly. No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you. Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good? It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

 No, I’ll be okay. But I think that I’d like to send the ring back to you. Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good? It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

 Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good? It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose.

 Well, let’s not be hasty. Are you sure it’s over for good? It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose. You want to tell me what happened? Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?

 It’s over for me. I’m done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks. They both hurt you on purpose. You want to tell me what happened? Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?

 You want to tell me what happened? Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan?

 You want to tell me what happened? Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan? Good chance. Then no, thank you.

 Are you going to say it’s all part of God’s plan? Good chance. Then no, thank you.

 I asked you over and over if you were okay. Why would you go through with the wedding if you weren’t? I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not. Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift. Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

 I thought I was okay, but it turns out I’m not. Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift. Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

 Okay, listen, I may not have been entirely faithful, but you, you are not easy to lift. Wow. Well, marriage must agree with you. Well, you are just glowing.

 I’m not glowing. I’m upset. Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.

 What’s this? Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage. Oh. That’s so sweet of you. Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

 Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage. Oh. That’s so sweet of you. Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

 Oh. That’s so sweet of you. Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

 Oh. That’s so sweet of you. Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna. I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy. Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

 Yeah. I know. Turns out, being sweet isn’t enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna. I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy. Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

 I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy. Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that.

 I’m sorry to hear about you and Amy. Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that. You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university. He does? Who is it?

 Well, I’m sorry about Leonard. Thought I raised him better than that. You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university. He does? Who is it?

 You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university. He does? Who is it?

 You know, it’s bad enough what happened, but then he tried to hide the fact that he sees her all the time at the university. He does? Who is it? Some girl named Mandy. Mandy Chao?

 Some girl named Mandy. Mandy Chao? Yeah. Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

 Mandy Chao? Yeah. Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

 Yeah. Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better

 Yeah. Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better That’s great. Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

 Oh, you don’t need to worry about her. She’s brilliant and attractive. She can do way better That’s great. Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

 That’s great. Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.

 That’s great. Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson. That’s ridiculous. Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

 Wait a minute. I know this may sound far fetched, but I’m on the market now. You know, if I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson. That’s ridiculous. Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

 That’s ridiculous. Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard.

 That’s ridiculous. Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard. I’m with Leonard. Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

 Oh, you’re right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem was so low she’d be with Leonard. I’m with Leonard. Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

 I’m with Leonard. Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us?

 I’m with Leonard. Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us? Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it. Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

 Yeah, I know. Forever. Who would have believed these things would happen to us? Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it. Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

 Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it. Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her?

 Right? I can’t believe Amy actually went through with it. Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her? I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy. Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

 Hang on. You knew that she was going to end it with me? Did you try and stop her? I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy. Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

 I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy. Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

 I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy. Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be? Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend. I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.

 Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be? Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend. I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.

 Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend. I see. Well, I think I’ll be going.

 Okay, look, it’s not my fault that she thought you were a bad boyfriend. I see. Well, I think I’ll be going. Sheldon. No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

 I see. Well, I think I’ll be going. Sheldon. No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

 Sheldon. No, no, no, no. We are done here. Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?

 I don’t know. Sounds pretty bad. Penny’s back in her apartment all by herself. Really?

 Sure, let’s make it an even hundred. You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me. I wouldn’t. And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

 You would never kiss me and make me say I love you and then break up with me. I wouldn’t. And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

 I wouldn’t. And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders.

 I wouldn’t. And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders. Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one. Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

 And you know why? ‘Cause you’re a man. The champagne of genders. Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one. Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

 Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one. Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie.

 Well, I may be a man, but I think I’m the one that screwed up on this one. Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie. I figured that out. You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

 Yeah, well, and you admit it, like a man. All you hear women say is, I’ll just have a salad. You know? Where’s my lip gloss? I think this element should be called radium. That last one was Madame Curie. I figured that out. You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

 I figured that out. You know what? She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

 Can’t believe I’m spending my wedding night with you. Really? I never imagined it any other way.

 Perhaps you can think of this n a more positive light. In one day, you’ve managed to do what it takes many couples decades to achieve. Hi. Hey. You couldn’t sleep either?

 Of course not. Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems. What are we gonna do? I don’t know.

 Me neither. But I just had a tickle in my throat, not profound marital problems. What are we gonna do? I don’t know.

 Please, tell me how I can fix it. Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action. Okay, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Actually, I think he’s onto something.

 Glad you asked. As I see it, there’s a simple solution. Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman. It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him. And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action. Okay, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Actually, I think he’s onto something.

 Okay, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Actually, I think he’s onto something.

 Actually, I think he’s onto something. You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy? I’m currently single. That’s true. You are.

 You can’t be serious. ‘Cause I messed up and made out with a girl, you’re gonna do the same with a random guy? I’m currently single. That’s true. You are.

 What is happening? I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage. U-u-u-uh!

 I will tell you what is happening. I am saving my best friend’s marriage. U-u-u-uh!

 Sheldon, I don’t think you understand how being broken up works. The only way I can sort through my feelings is if there is space between us. Every time I see you, it re-traumatizes me. I go through the pain all over again. Well, hello to you, too. What do you want? I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.

 Well, hello to you, too. What do you want? I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.

 What do you want? I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together.

 What do you want? I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together. What baby? A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.

 I understand we’re no longer a couple, but I would like to remind you that we made a baby together. What baby? A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.

 What baby? A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags.

 What baby? A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags. I’m hanging up. Great. See you in about half an hour.

 A precocious little Internet show known as Fun With Flags. I’m hanging up. Great. See you in about half an hour.

 I’m hanging up. Great. See you in about half an hour. Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you. Why not?

 Great. See you in about half an hour. Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you. Why not?

 Sheldon, I am not doing Fun With Flags with you. Why not? Because we’re broken up. Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.

 Why not? Because we’re broken up. Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.

 Because we’re broken up. Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them.

 Because we’re broken up. Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them. No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher. You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.

 Sonny and Cher made it work. Their variety show kept going long after the divorce, and here we are still talking about them. No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher. You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.

 No one’s talking about Sonny and Cher. You must be thinking about Donny and Marie, ’cause you and I are clearly talking about Sonny and Cher.

 I bet you told Bernadette all about how he was screwing around with Mandy Chao. Oh, we didn’t screw around. We just got drunk and made out. Whatever. It would have been nice to hear it from you.

 Oh, we didn’t screw around. We just got drunk and made out. Whatever. It would have been nice to hear it from you.

 What are you doing here? I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do. And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door. On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.

 I’m here to return your belongings. That’s what people who’ve broken up do. And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door. On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.

 And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door. On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits.

 And you didn’t do your compulsive knocking ritual so I would open the door. On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits. Just give me the box. Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?

 On the contrary, you no longer get to enjoy my charming eccentricities. We’re not friends with benefits. Just give me the box. Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?

 Just give me the box. Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything?

 Just give me the box. Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything? Fine. My old scarf. You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?

 Wait. Don’t you want to go through it to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything? Fine. My old scarf. You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?

 Fine. My old scarf. You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember?

 Fine. My old scarf. You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember? You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia? We made one heck of a team, huh?

 You wore it the night we went ice-skating. Remember? You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia? We made one heck of a team, huh?

 You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia? We made one heck of a team, huh?

 You mean the night that I went ice-skating, and you stood at the rail googling the symptoms of hypothermia? We made one heck of a team, huh? Whose bra is this? It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.

 We made one heck of a team, huh? Whose bra is this? It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.

 Whose bra is this? It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us.

 Whose bra is this? It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us. It’s Penny’s. Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.

 It’s not yours? Oh, my. How embarrassing for both of us. It’s Penny’s. Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.

 It’s Penny’s. Hey, you broke up with me. It is none of your business whose naked bosom I’m smooshing around like pizza dough.

 I would love that. All right, look, I’m sorry I said I was okay with everything before we got married. I hate that we’re going through this, but I don’t know what to do. If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling. Hello.

 All right, look, I’m sorry I said I was okay with everything before we got married. I hate that we’re going through this, but I don’t know what to do. If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling. Hello.

 If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling. Hello.

 If you don’t mind waiting for a Groupon, we can try marriage counselling. Hello. Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy? Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.

 Hello. Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy? Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.

 Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy? Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours.

 Hey, uh, buddy, can we have some privacy? Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours. Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information. Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.

 Oh, of course. Wouldn’t want to intrude. This is yours. Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information. Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.

 Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information. Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it.

 Okay, when I’m done with him, I’m gonna need more information. Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it. Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman? Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.

 Nothing odd. I just wanted to rub Amy’s nose in it. Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman? Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.

 Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman? Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution.

 Okay, look, I might be overreacting, but how am I supposed to get past this when I know tomorrow you’re gonna go to work and see this woman? Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Bring Penny to meet Mandy.

 Now, forgive me for eavesdropping, but as I see it, there’s a simple solution. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Bring Penny to meet Mandy.

 Wake up, wake up, wake up. Bring Penny to meet Mandy. What? Why? Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.

 Bring Penny to meet Mandy. What? Why? Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.

 What? Why? Well, right now, Penny’s imagination is running wild, but if they meet, that will eliminate the mystery and alleviate her fears. Like when that Sparkletts guy let me look under his eye patch.

 Secondly, I can’t think of a more horrible idea than Penny meeting Mandy. Really? Why is that? What, you actually want to meet her? No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.

 Really? Why is that? What, you actually want to meet her? No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.

 What, you actually want to meet her? No, but now that you’re being weird about it, maybe I should.

 Yes. And that’s coming from me. Fine, you want to meet her? No, I just want to know that when you’re at work, there’s nothing going on. How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.

 Fine, you want to meet her? No, I just want to know that when you’re at work, there’s nothing going on. How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.

 No, I just want to know that when you’re at work, there’s nothing going on. How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.

 How many times do I have to tell you? I have no interest in this woman.

 And your wife is worried about me? Hey, Leonard, when you’re done, we came up with a bunch more.

 Oh, damn it, you topped it. Should we go to the bedroom and make this marriage official? Yes, please. Okay.

 What is this? Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco. Oh. Wow.

 Plane tickets and hotel reservations for a weekend away in San Francisco. Oh. Wow.

 Oh. Wow. That’s so great. Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.

 Wow. That’s so great. Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.

 That’s so great. Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun.

 Yeah, there’s Fisherman’s Wharf and Alcatraz and cable cars. We’re gonna have so much fun. We? Is there a problem? Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee.

 Is there a problem? Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee. How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia? You saw through that one, did you?

 Oh, no, no, I just, I said, Whee. How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia? You saw through that one, did you?

 How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia? You saw through that one, did you?

 How dare you go on the Internet and say mean things about me and compare my genitalia to part of Czechoslovakia? You saw through that one, did you? I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now. She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.

 You saw through that one, did you? I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now. She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.

 I don’t know what you were thinking, but take the video down now. She watched it. I’m gonna get that girl back.

 I only watched it because you e-mailed it to me with the subject line this is gonna make you mad. She was listening through the door. She wants me.

 Hey, there. Hey, you’re early. The movie doesn’t start for an hour. Actually, we’re not going to the movies. We are here to kidnap you. What are you talking about?

 Hey, you’re early. The movie doesn’t start for an hour. Actually, we’re not going to the movies. We are here to kidnap you. What are you talking about?

 Actually, we’re not going to the movies. We are here to kidnap you. What are you talking about?

 Well, I’d hardly call this kidnapping. Where’s the blindfold? Where’s the duct tape? Where’s the part where you call me and demand ransom and I try to keep you on the phone, but you hang up seconds before I can trace it and then I say I’m getting too old for this crud? When do we leave? Right now. Yeah, Penny packed you a bag.

 Right now. Yeah, Penny packed you a bag. Wow, okay. You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?

 Yeah, Penny packed you a bag. Wow, okay. You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?

 Wow, okay. You’re seriously going to get in a van and let these two take you to an unknown destination for an entire weekend?

 No. Yeah. A buddy of mine let me borrow it. This was Feynman’s van? That’s so cool. Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.

 Yeah. A buddy of mine let me borrow it. This was Feynman’s van? That’s so cool. Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.

 This was Feynman’s van? That’s so cool. Yeah, nothing’s been changed since he drove it.

 India. We can drive there. Your house? We are going to Me-hi-co.

 Your house? We are going to Me-hi-co. Fun, I’ve never been there. Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.

 We are going to Me-hi-co. Fun, I’ve never been there. Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.

 Fun, I’ve never been there. Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico.

 Fun, I’ve never been there. Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico. What’s wrong with Mexico? Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.

 Leonard, don’t be fooled. I’m from Texas, Me-hi-co is Spanish for Mexico. What’s wrong with Mexico? Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.

 What’s wrong with Mexico? Uh, mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around ’cause there’s a worm inside.

 Oh, yeah, right. Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement. Boy, that was a long night for me.

 We don’t have any of those. How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos. If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now? Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?

 How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos. If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now? Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?

 If there was a hidden compartment, don’t you think you’d be stuffed in it by now? Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?

 Hey, watch your speed. I hear the Mexican police target tourists. Oh, not a problem. If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver’s seat and slap a sombrero on his head. Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath? I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?

 Oh, not a problem. If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver’s seat and slap a sombrero on his head. Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath? I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?

 Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath? I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?

 Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath? I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me? Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool. It is extraordinary.

 I don’t know. Have you watched the Olympics with me? Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool. It is extraordinary.

 Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool. It is extraordinary.

 Sheldon, can you believe that we’re driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century? It’s like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn’t cool. It is extraordinary. Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness. I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.

 It is extraordinary. Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness. I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.

 Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness. I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.

 Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness. I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing. Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants. What was that?

 I usually don’t put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman’s butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing. Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants. What was that?

 Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants. What was that?

 Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants. What was that? I think it’s a tyre. What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?

 What was that? I think it’s a tyre. What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?

 I think it’s a tyre. What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives?

 I think it’s a tyre. What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives? It’s the tyre. Leonard?

 What if it’s banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson piñatas for the rest of our lives? It’s the tyre. Leonard?

 Yeah, isn’t it gonna get worse the longer you wait? Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad’s not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I’ll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.

 Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad’s not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I’ll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.

 What are you doing? It’s called Lamaze breathing. It helps you push. Great. He’s pushing with his uterus. There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.

 It’s called Lamaze breathing. It helps you push. Great. He’s pushing with his uterus. There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.

 Great. He’s pushing with his uterus. There’s got to be a smarter way of removing it.

 Yeah, this is nothing more than a physics problem. Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world. Of course. All we need is to find stuff to make a lever big enough to fix this. Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.

 Right. Archimedes once said give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world. Of course. All we need is to find stuff to make a lever big enough to fix this. Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.

 Of course. All we need is to find stuff to make a lever big enough to fix this. Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.

 Exactly. I’ll bet there’s something around here that could be a lever.

 I don’t think the lever’s working. What makes you say that? There’s gotta be something else we could try. If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.

 What makes you say that? There’s gotta be something else we could try. If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.

 There’s gotta be something else we could try. If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.

 There’s gotta be something else we could try. If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off. No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision. Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.

 If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off. No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision. Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.

 No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision. Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.

 No, it’s too broad of a beam. You’d need something more precise, like Superman’s heat vision. Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it. If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk? Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.

 Ooh, the Green Lantern’s ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it. If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk? Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.

 If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk? Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.

 We will, we will percussive shock you. Buddy you’re a boy, make a big noise playin’ in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place. I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it’s a curse. Scientific Principle: Thermal Expansion. I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.

 Buddy you’re a boy, make a big noise playin’ in the street, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin’ your can all over the place. I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it’s a curse. Scientific Principle: Thermal Expansion. I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.

 Scientific Principle: Thermal Expansion. I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source.

 Scientific Principle: Thermal Expansion. I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source. They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands. What if that burning food attracts animals?

 I had no idea tortilla chips were such a good fuel source. They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands. What if that burning food attracts animals?

 They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands. What if that burning food attracts animals?

 They’re basically pure hydrocarbons soaked in fat. Let’s hope the lug nut expands. What if that burning food attracts animals? We have plenty of food for the animals. We do?

 What if that burning food attracts animals? We have plenty of food for the animals. We do?

 We do? Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt. That’s not very nice. It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up.

 Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt. That’s not very nice. It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up.

 That’s not very nice. It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up. Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion. What is that awful smell?

 It’s a bachelor party. Lighten up. Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion. What is that awful smell?

 Scientific Principle: Accelerated Corrosion. What is that awful smell?

 What is that awful smell? It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off. What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit. Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.

 It’s burning salsa. I’m hoping the acidity and salinity combined with electricity will corrode the lug nut off. What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit. Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.

 What an innovative solution. Perhaps I don’t give your MIT education enough credit. Yeah, I saw it on Mythbusters.

 What? What are you doing back? We got a flat and couldn’t get the tyre off. Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you.

 We got a flat and couldn’t get the tyre off. Oh, I’m sorry. Thank you.

 Oh, we’re glad you had fun. Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven. I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man. Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?

 Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It’s like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven. I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man. Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?

 I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man. Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there?

 I still don’t understand why you bought that pill caddie. You’re a young man. Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there? It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space. What’s wrong with your closet?

 Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here I’m 90. Why are you taking your bins over there? It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space. What’s wrong with your closet?

 It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space. What’s wrong with your closet?

 It’s just where I need them. You know, she doesn’t have a lot of closet space. What’s wrong with your closet? Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together. So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?

 What’s wrong with your closet? Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together. So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?

 Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together. So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news?

 Uh, well, honey, you know, now that Leonard and I are married, it kind of makes sense that we actually live together. So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news? Come on, buddy. No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.

 So that’s all this day was? A plan to butter me up before delivering bad news? Come on, buddy. No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.

 Come on, buddy. No, I thought we were friends. You asked for a sip of my Icee. If you had your own straw, I might’ve said yes.

 Sheldon, please, we already feel bad about this. You know what they don’t sell at The Container Store? Something large enough to contain my disappointment. Although, if anyone did, it would be them.

 Of course. As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement. Aw. I’m honoured. I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.

 As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I’m turning to you for female comfort and encouragement. Aw. I’m honoured. I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.

 Aw. I’m honoured. I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers.

 Aw. I’m honoured. I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers. So, I’m your seventh choice. Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.

 I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard’s mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap, and after a while Siri started repeating her answers. So, I’m your seventh choice. Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.

 So, I’m your seventh choice. Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting.

 So, I’m your seventh choice. Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting. How can I help you? Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.

 Yeah, I know, top ten, pretty exciting. How can I help you? Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.

 How can I help you? Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned.

 Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard’s moving in with Penny. It’s difficult not to feel abandoned. Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new. Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom. Hey.

 Well, why don’t you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new. Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom. Hey.

 Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face. Chris Pratt’s all the rage right now. I wonder how he’d feel about taking the smaller bedroom. Hey.

 Well, it’s not like I’m never going to see you two again. Which brings us to article 23 subsection C, please check here to reserve your spot at the ten year roommate reunion. Do I really have to do that now? No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates. What’s the matter?

 Do I really have to do that now? No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates. What’s the matter?

 No, but if you want chicken and get stuck with the fish, that’s on you. All right. Oh, and lastly, please initial here to confirm that ownership of the living room couch is hereby transferred to me in perpetuity all throughout the universe and all alternate universes except for those universes where owning a couch is forbidden by the hive queen. In which case, all glory to the hive queen. All right, now all that’s left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates. What’s the matter?

 I appreciate your interest in the apartment. I just need to ask you a few standard questions. Sure. It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke?

 Sure. It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke?

 It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke?

 Sure. It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke? Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.

 It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke? Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.

 Is that supposed to be a joke? Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem.

 It says here you’re a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for its britches? Is that supposed to be a joke? Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem. In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

 Is that supposed to be a joke? Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem. In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

 Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem. In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now?

 Looks like argon’s not the only one with an attitude problem. In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now? I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go? You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.

 In general, would you say that you smell better, worse or the same as you do right now? I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go? You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.

 I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go? You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner.

 I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is just can you just go? You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner. I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon. But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

 You’re healthy. You have a job in the sciences. I’ve got to say, if this credit report comes back good, you’re the frontrunner. I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon. But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

 I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon. But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back.

 I’m not gonna be your roommate, Sheldon. But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back. I’m sure you’ll find somebody else. I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

 But I met with 11 people, and they all walked out. And that Hollywood phoney Chris Pratt never tweeted me back. I’m sure you’ll find somebody else. I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

 I’m sure you’ll find somebody else. I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell?

 I’m sure you’ll find somebody else. I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell? I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life. They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

 I suppose. What happened to me, Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I’d say it was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell? I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life. They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

 I don’t know how to help you. You know, feelings are a part of life. They didn’t used to be. You and Leonard and Penny, you all poisoned me with emotions. I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

 Well, honey, you don’t live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want. You’re right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue? How about Thai food? Oh, thank God.

 You’re right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue? How about Thai food? Oh, thank God.

 Oh, thank God. Hey, we’re going to dinner. You want to come? Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard. You heard him, no.

 Hey, we’re going to dinner. You want to come? Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard. You heard him, no.

 Oh, I wish I could, but I realized I’ve become too emotionally vulnerable, so, like an operating system, I’m restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard. You heard him, no.

 I’m sorry. I just thought you might have a pasty, weirdo-shaped hole in your life. Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.

 Hey, I know Sheldon’s quirky, but he’s also brilliant and insightful. I think calling him a weirdo is a little unfair.

 Hey, we brought you Thai. Where is everything? In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening. No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.

 In my present, it’s in the future. In your present, it’s been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in The Home Depot parking lot. I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening. No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.

 I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening. No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.

 I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get attention so we’ll feel bad for you, but it’s not happening. No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me. Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall. As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.

 No, what I’m doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me. Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall. As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.

 Will you knock it off? We’re across the hall. As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.

 Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it’s not. How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too. Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.

 How can you say that? Amy’s gone, and you two are married now, so it’s only a matter of time before you’re gone, too. Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.

 Okay, you don’t know what’s gonna happen. No, I do. Eventually you’ll want more space, and you’ll move into a house, and then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it’ll only be a couple of times a month, and then it’ll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz. Or, or, or like when Koothrappali’s weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body. Or Amy’s wedding, where she’s marrying someone better than me.

 Okay, look, we don’t need to rush into anything. All right? Maybe instead of Leonard moving in with me, we just leave things the way they are, and sometimes we’ll sleep over there, and sometimes we’ll sleep over here. But mostly here. Sure. Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant?

 But mostly here. Sure. Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant?

 Sure. Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant? Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog. You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.

 Wuh, what about what you said in the restaurant? Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog. You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.

 Well, it’s not forever. It’s just for a while. If you want, we can think of him like he’s our dog. You can. I’m happy when you come home. And I’m scared of fireworks. By the way, on July Fourth, we’re all sleeping here.

 Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones. Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones. Play something we can dance to.

 No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I’m exercising. That’ll teach her to care about your health. Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young. When was the last actual exercise you got?

 That’ll teach her to care about your health. Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young. When was the last actual exercise you got?

 Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young. When was the last actual exercise you got?

 Yeah, I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I die young. When was the last actual exercise you got? The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her. According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

 When was the last actual exercise you got? The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her. According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

 The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her. According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.

 Nah, I’ll do it tomorrow. It wouldn’t be the worst thing if we were more active. You make an excellent point. Ooh, I think I’m getting a runner’s high.

 It wouldn’t be the worst thing if we were more active. You make an excellent point. Ooh, I think I’m getting a runner’s high.

 You make an excellent point. Ooh, I think I’m getting a runner’s high.

 Had me at flag, lost me at football. Yeah, I think it’s great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you? What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports? Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

 Yeah, I think it’s great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you? What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports? Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

 What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports? Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

 Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.

 What are you saying? We’re not coordinated enough to play sports? Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble. I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club. Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.

 Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble. I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club. Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.

 I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club. Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.

 I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that’s not a time to bust out the scrabble dance, what’s the point of having one? Hey, Barry Kripke started a fencing club. Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport. It’s indoors, so no sunscreen. No throwing, no catching, no running.

 Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport. It’s indoors, so no sunscreen. No throwing, no catching, no running.

 It’s indoors, so no sunscreen. No throwing, no catching, no running.

 It’s indoors, so no sunscreen. No throwing, no catching, no running. No gym shorts that can be yanked down. Or worse, up.

 No throwing, no catching, no running. No gym shorts that can be yanked down. Or worse, up.

 No gym shorts that can be yanked down. Or worse, up. Preach. And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.

 Or worse, up. Preach. And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.

 Preach. And as an added bonus, the word touché comes from fencing. It would be our only opportunity to use it in a non-metaphorical sense.

 Well, for starters, you might want to rethink some of this artwork. I mean, this woman’s actually on a leash like a dog. Well, you don’t know the backstory. Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch.

 Well, you don’t know the backstory. Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch.

 That’s not why we’re here. Yeah, I’m here because I think it’s gonna be like Game of Thrones. And maybe a little Princess Bride. Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.

 Yeah, I’m here because I think it’s gonna be like Game of Thrones. And maybe a little Princess Bride. Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.

 And maybe a little Princess Bride. Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer.

 Ooh, ooh, I forgot about Princess Bride. That’s my answer. Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now. We’re not afraid of physical activity. Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.

 Well, sowwy to disappoint you, but fencing is a sewious spowt. If you’re not wiwwing to put in the effowt, you might as well just weave now. We’re not afraid of physical activity. Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.

 We’re not afraid of physical activity. Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today.

 We’re not afraid of physical activity. Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today. Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward. Oh, dear.

 Yeah. I already ran 18 miles today. Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward. Oh, dear.

 Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward. Oh, dear.

 Awwight. Let’s begin with some fundamentals. This is the en garde position. Feet are in an L. Heels in a stwaight wine. Elbow is about a fist from the wib cage. Notice my dominant weg faces fowward. Oh, dear. What’s wong, Cooper? Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.

 Oh, dear. What’s wong, Cooper? Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.

 What’s wong, Cooper? Well, I’m not sure I have a dominant leg. They’re both pretty submissive.

 Okay, show me en garde. Good. Knees bent, swightwy over the toe. Non-sword hand up for bawance. Oh, God, I am going to feel this tomorrow. The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance. This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.

 Oh, God, I am going to feel this tomorrow. The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance. This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.

 The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance. This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup.

 The first move is called an advance. You move your fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. So fwont foot fowward, heel to toe. Back foot fowwows. Now you twy. Advance. And advance. And advance. This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup. Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee. Excuse me, Barry?

 This is easy. I didn’t need to wear a cup. Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee. Excuse me, Barry?

 Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee. Excuse me, Barry?

 Good. The next move is called a wetweat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel. Fwont foot fowwows. On thwee. Excuse me, Barry? Yes. When can I stab one of my friends?

 All right, well, Heather H says, the owner stared at me the whole time and didn’t blink once. Kelly M says, the creepy guy who runs it asked me out, then called himself stupid before I could say no. Jessica K says, I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt. He took it off and gave it to me. See? Negative.

 En garde, Leonard. Prepare yourself for a rigorous touching. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I thought you were Puss in Boots.

 My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I thought you were Puss in Boots.

 My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I thought you were Puss in Boots.

 My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I thought you were Puss in Boots. Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.

 I thought you were Puss in Boots. Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.

 Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.

 Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. My name is Puss in Boots. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping. What? You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.

 I’m looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping. What? You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.

 What? You know, when my honour is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.

 When was your honour insulted? My last physical. Again, that doctor didn’t insult your honour. Just checked your prostate. My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 My last physical. Again, that doctor didn’t insult your honour. Just checked your prostate. My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 Again, that doctor didn’t insult your honour. Just checked your prostate. My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die. My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die. Ah, this is fun. Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.

 My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die. Ah, this is fun. Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.

 Ah, this is fun. Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy.

 Ah, this is fun. Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy. What’s going on with Amy? Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.

 Well, good. It’s nice to see your mind off Amy. What’s going on with Amy? Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.

 What’s going on with Amy? Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me.

 What’s going on with Amy? Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me. Weawwy? Good to know. Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?

 Not that it’s any of your business, but she broke up with me. Weawwy? Good to know. Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?

 Weawwy? Good to know. Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean?

 Weawwy? Good to know. Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean? Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her. Well, that’s unacceptable.

 Good to know? What’s that supposed to mean? Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her. Well, that’s unacceptable.

 Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her. Well, that’s unacceptable.

 Oh. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s interested in her. Well, that’s unacceptable. Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you. Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.

 Well, that’s unacceptable. Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you. Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.

 Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you. Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb.

 Oh, buddy, I get that you don’t like it, but it’s not really up to you. Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb. Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point. You really think so?

 Yeah, but he’s dumb, and his face is dumb. Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point. You really think so?

 Look, even if it’s not him, Amy’s probably going to date someone at some point. You really think so?

 You really think so? Of course. She deserves to be happy. How dare you.

 Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn’t a good idea. Barry, a word? And now the crazy version of what I just said. If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.

 Barry, a word? And now the crazy version of what I just said. If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.

 And now the crazy version of what I just said. If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.

 And now the crazy version of what I just said. If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it. And how are you gonna do that? By challenging you to a duel.

 If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it. And how are you gonna do that? By challenging you to a duel.

 Stuart, believe it or not, I understand. You know, before I met Sheldon, I was alone for a really long time. I was so desperate for people to like me, when I met these guys, it took everything in my power to hide my insecurity. Okay, we’re all feeling it. Yes, I’ll go out with you. Suddenly, the rabbit thing makes sense.

 Okay, we’re all feeling it. Yes, I’ll go out with you. Suddenly, the rabbit thing makes sense.

 Look at this blister. Like it or not, we’re athletes now. Besides, a bar is where I belong. I’m having female problems. If you’re cranky and retaining water, I have a theory. Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl. That’s ridiculous.

 If you’re cranky and retaining water, I have a theory. Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl. That’s ridiculous.

 Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl. That’s ridiculous.

 Sheldon, instead of focusing on Amy dating other guys, maybe you should start thinking about dating another girl. That’s ridiculous. Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you. True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.

 That’s ridiculous. Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you. True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.

 Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you. True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia.

 Why? You never thought you’d end up in a relationship, and then you met Amy. Maybe there’s someone else out there for you. True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia. Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends? There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.

 True, but Penny’s married, and so is Bernadette. And your girlfriend has red hair and white skin, which really rubs up against my clown phobia. Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends? There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.

 Maybe you should consider women who aren’t in serious relationships with your closest friends? There’s that prostate doctor, but I’m still mad at her. Oh, there’s a woman. I’ll make her my girlfriend.

 Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn’t work. You’re forgetting something. Ladies love jocks. How many sips of that beer did he have? Three.

 You’re forgetting something. Ladies love jocks. How many sips of that beer did he have? Three.

 How many sips of that beer did he have? Three. Oh, boy. Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.

 Three. Oh, boy. Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.

 Oh, boy. Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.

 Oh, boy. Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you. What? It’s a Pokémon reference.

 Excuse me. I’m recovering from a recent breakup, and I’m told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you. What? It’s a Pokémon reference.

 What? It’s a Pokémon reference. I don’t know what that means. Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?

 It’s a Pokémon reference. I don’t know what that means. Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?

 I don’t know what that means. Well, we gave it a shot. How about you?

 All right, well, what happens if you imagine him naked? Oh, I don’t have to imagine it.

 I smell funny. I taste salty. You’re just sweaty from exercise. And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me. I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.

 You’re just sweaty from exercise. And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me. I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.

 And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the centre of me. I know it only takes one doctor’s finger.

 I know it only takes one doctor’s finger. Hello. Hello. We should let you guys talk.

 You don’t have to leave. Look at me go. Uh, Bernadette, you’re my ride. Walk.

 Uh, Bernadette, you’re my ride. Walk. How have you been? I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.

 Walk. How have you been? I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today.

 How have you been? I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today. How’d that go? It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.

 I’m doing all right. I tried fencing today. How’d that go? It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.

 How’d that go? It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out.

 How’d that go? It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out. Well, actually, he, he already did. Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.

 It was pretty easy. And I think my background in mathletics helped. Barry Kripke was there. I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out. Well, actually, he, he already did. Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.

 Well, actually, he, he already did. Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man.

 Well, actually, he, he already did. Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man. I said no. Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.

 Okay. But don’t get too attached to him. in two years, 364 days, he’s a dead man. I said no. Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.

 I said no. Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no.

 I said no. Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no. I didn’t know you were interested in dating. I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.

 Interesting. I asked two women out today, and they both said no. I didn’t know you were interested in dating. I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.

 I didn’t know you were interested in dating. I’ve been told it’s a good way to move on.

 What’s up? Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?

 What’s going on? Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical. Just tell me. A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.

 Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. You’re face is pleasingly symmetrical. Just tell me. A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.

 Just tell me. A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.

 Just tell me. A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment. Oh, well, that kind of stinks. That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

 A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment. Oh, well, that kind of stinks. That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

 Oh, well, that kind of stinks. That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting.

 Oh, well, that kind of stinks. That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting. What are we going to do? Perform the experiment immediately.

 That kind of stinks? Why aren’t you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here is more like a Picasso painting. What are we going to do? Perform the experiment immediately.

 What are we going to do? Perform the experiment immediately. I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month. A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

 Perform the experiment immediately. I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month. A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

 I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month. A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.

 I’d love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment’s on back order for a month. A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow. That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes. Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.

 A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow. That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes. Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.

 That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes. Thank you. Aren’t you sweet.

 Let’s go check to see if the university has any helium in reserve. Did you know that I almost didn’t wear this shirt today?

 But you won’t need much for that. Twue, but if it’s successful, I’m having a pawty with bawwoons. Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any? Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

 Twue, but if it’s successful, I’m having a pawty with bawwoons. Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any? Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

 Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any? Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

 Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

 Come on, Barry, there’s a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us. Can’t you spare any? Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me? Yes. Not a chance.

 Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me? Yes. Not a chance.

 Yes. Not a chance. What are you doing? He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?

 Not a chance. What are you doing? He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?

 What are you doing? He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn’t your mother tell you? It’s the best policy. So, what do you say?

 Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo. Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo. Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball. If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.

 Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo. Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball. If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.

 Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball. If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.

 If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions.

 Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favourite toothpick-delivered meatball. If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions. Who is he? Where does he work?

 If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don’t ask too many questions. Who is he? Where does he work?

 Who is he? Where does he work? How does he get the helium? How many questions are too many questions?

 Where does he work? How does he get the helium? How many questions are too many questions?

 How does he get the helium? How many questions are too many questions?

 Uh, well, it, it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look I hit thumbs up, if I don’t, thumbs down. Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down? First time it happens I will let you know.

 Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down? First time it happens I will let you know.

 Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy. What’s he say? He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight. Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?

 What’s he say? He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight. Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?

 He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight. Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see?

 He’s got what we need and can meet us tonight. Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see? The man restocking the cereal shelves. That’s right. And what did he do?

 Really? You know I don’t like buying things at night. January 7th, 2009, I went to the Ralph’s at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin’ Oat Bran for the morning and what did I see? The man restocking the cereal shelves. That’s right. And what did he do?

 The man restocking the cereal shelves. That’s right. And what did he do?

 The man restocking the cereal shelves. That’s right. And what did he do? He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch. It’s like it was yesterday.

 That’s right. And what did he do? He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch. It’s like it was yesterday.

 He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch. It’s like it was yesterday.

 He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch. It’s like it was yesterday. Do you want liquid helium or not? Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.

 It’s like it was yesterday. Do you want liquid helium or not? Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.

 Do you want liquid helium or not? Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us.

 Do you want liquid helium or not? Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us. Then I’m going to tell him we’re in. Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.

 Of course I do. I don’t want that Swedish team scooping us. Then I’m going to tell him we’re in. Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.

 Then I’m going to tell him we’re in. Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical.

 Then I’m going to tell him we’re in. Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical. We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys. Was she helping him with his research?

 Leonard, wait. This is highly unethical. We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys. Was she helping him with his research?

 We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys. Was she helping him with his research?

 We’re just bending the rules a little. We have grant money to do the experiment, so we’re going to spend it on the helium we need. It’s not like when Dr. Goldfarb claimed he bought an electron microscope and he was really just keeping a Russian girl in an apartment in Van Nuys. Was she helping him with his research? Sure. So, are we doing this? Well, but where does he get the helium?

 Was she helping him with his research? Sure. So, are we doing this? Well, but where does he get the helium?

 Sure. So, are we doing this? Well, but where does he get the helium?

 Sure. So, are we doing this? Well, but where does he get the helium? Remember? Don’t ask too many questions? Uh, but this is violating university code.

 Well, but where does he get the helium? Remember? Don’t ask too many questions? Uh, but this is violating university code.

 Remember? Don’t ask too many questions? Uh, but this is violating university code.

 Remember? Don’t ask too many questions? Uh, but this is violating university code. A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man. Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.

 Uh, but this is violating university code. A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man. Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.

 A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man. Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in.

 A little, but if I may quote Einstein, the pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man. Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in. Done. I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?

 Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we’re in. Done. I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?

 Done. I can’t find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?

 Hey, I want to try. Uh, excuse me, can I have my phone back? Hang on, I’m trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

 Uh, excuse me, can I have my phone back? Hang on, I’m trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

 Hang on, I’m trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children. Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

 That must be him. Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van. Hey. What’s up?

 Oh, of course. An nondescript, white panel van. You may be familiar with it from the sentence, their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van. Hey. What’s up?

 What’s up? Uh, I’m Leonard. This is my friend… I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh. Great. You got the cash?

 Uh, I’m Leonard. This is my friend… I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh. Great. You got the cash?

 I’m Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh. Great. You got the cash? Uh, yeah, uh, right here. Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?

 Great. You got the cash? Uh, yeah, uh, right here. Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?

 Uh, yeah, uh, right here. Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away?

 Uh, yeah, uh, right here. Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away? What ya doing, Skippy? Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.

 Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you’re not gonna take the money and drive away? What ya doing, Skippy? Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.

 What ya doing, Skippy? Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first.

 What ya doing, Skippy? Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first. Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me? Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.

 Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us. You give us the helium first. Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me? Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.

 Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me? Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas.

 Oh, how do I know you’re not gonna drive away without paying me? Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas. Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists. Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.

 Guess I’m not the only one who watches ’70s television crime dramas. Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists. Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.

 Look, you can trust us. We’re respected scientists. Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage.

 Well, he is. I’m a wedding planner who can’t find love himself. It’s ironic, but the point is we can’t trust you. You’re a sketchy character in a parking garage. Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me. Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it? My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.

 Yeah, well, from my perspective, that’s how you two appear to me. Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it? My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.

 Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won’t it? My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.

 My friend does make a decent point about the money. I don’t feel comfortable just handing it over up front.

 Ah, no money, no helium. Seems we’re at a, uh, stalemate. Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination. Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish. I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?

 Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves. Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know. Really, you’re only limited by your imagination. Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish. I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?

 Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish. I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?

 I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?

 Huh. All these years I’ve been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish. I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here? Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that. Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.

 I don’t think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here? Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that. Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.

 Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that. Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.

 Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it bea Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that. Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm. Hmm, I don’t follow. Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.

 Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm. Hmm, I don’t follow. Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.

 Hmm, I don’t follow. Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities.

 Hmm, I don’t follow. Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities. Is that a threat? Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.

 Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald. From that, I figured out where you live and where you work. Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, you give us the helium or I’ll turn you in to the authorities. Is that a threat? Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it.

 Is that a threat? Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it. Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground. Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?

 Yeah, exactly. See, you’re getting it. Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground. Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?

 Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I’ll report you, then I’ll pound your asses into the ground. Perfect. Now we really are in a Mexican standoff. Is this one of those times where I’ve won the battle but lost the war?

 I told you we shouldn’t go shopping at night. All right, let’s all just calm down. Nobody wants to report anybody. No, I don’t like this. I’m out. No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.

 All right, let’s all just calm down. Nobody wants to report anybody. No, I don’t like this. I’m out. No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.

 No, I don’t like this. I’m out. No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.

 No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year.

 No, no, no. Wait, don’t go. Just let me explain. We’re physicists, and we’re trying to prove a hypothesis that we’ve been working on for over a year. Really? What’s the hypothesis? Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.

 Really? What’s the hypothesis? Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.

 Space-time can be interpreted as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Hmm. Could be, could be. Go on.

 And I’m sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can’t find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody. Here’s the money. Can we do this? Okay. It’s a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden. It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.

 Here’s the money. Can we do this? Okay. It’s a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden. It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.

 Okay. It’s a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden. It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.

 It’s actually pretty common in our field. There’s not much you can do about it.

 Will you stop with that already? I’m trying not to attract attention. And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that? She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?

 I’m trying not to attract attention. And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that? She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?

 And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that? She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do?

 And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn’t do that? She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do? Let’s just start the experiment. Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.

 She said buenas noches. What was he supposed to do? Let’s just start the experiment. Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.

 Let’s just start the experiment. Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught.

 Let’s just start the experiment. Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught. We’re not getting caught. Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?

 Leonard, we should probably have our story straight in case we get caught. We’re not getting caught. Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?

 We’re not getting caught. Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey?

 We’re not getting caught. Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey? The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up. Uh-oh.

 Well, you can’t be sure of that. What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don’t have an Uncle Harvey? The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up. Uh-oh.

 The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up. Uh-oh.

 The dealer doesn’t care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot. Help me hook this up. Uh-oh. What? Well, did you see this sticker?

 What? Well, did you see this sticker? What is it? It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

 Well, did you see this sticker? What is it? It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

 What is it? It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U.

 What is it? It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U. It’s probably USC or UCLA. Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.

 It’s partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U. It’s probably USC or UCLA. Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.

 It’s probably USC or UCLA. Yeah, but what if it’s Property of U.S. Government? There’s a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas. If this was stolen from there, we’re accessories to a federal crime.

 Thank you for coming back. Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take. Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way. Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?

 Yeah, well, normally I wouldn’t, but my daughter’s having a sleepover, and there’s only so much screaming and Katy Perry a man can take. Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way. Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?

 Anyway, if you could just give us our money back, you can have your helium and we’ll be on our way. Yeah, well, is there something wrong with it?

 No, nothing. We just changed our mind. He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison. Yeah, I hear you. Well, you’re good guys, so I’ll, uh, I’ll take the helium off your hands. Thank you.

 He has glasses and I’m a know-it-all, we are not built for prison. Yeah, I hear you. Well, you’re good guys, so I’ll, uh, I’ll take the helium off your hands. Thank you.

 Yeah, I hear you. Well, you’re good guys, so I’ll, uh, I’ll take the helium off your hands. Thank you.

 But you ain’t getting your money back. You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together. Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business. You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.

 You’re taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together. Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business. You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.

 Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business. You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.

 You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this.

 Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business. You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this. No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee. I don’t understand.

 You know what? It’s fine. Keep the money. We just want to be done with this. No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee. I don’t understand.

 No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee. I don’t understand.

 No problem, but I am gonna have to charge you a small helium restocking fee. I don’t understand. He wants more money. Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.

 I don’t understand. He wants more money. Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.

 He wants more money. Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That’s all I’ve got on me.

 Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you’ve seen? It scared me straight, Leonard. Hey, I’ve been thinking. I was being petty. You can have my hewium. Thank you, Barry.

 It scared me straight, Leonard. Hey, I’ve been thinking. I was being petty. You can have my hewium. Thank you, Barry.

 Hey, I’ve been thinking. I was being petty. You can have my hewium. Thank you, Barry.

 But you have to add my name to your paper. That’s preposterous. I don’t know, seems fair. You can’t do it without me. Can you give us a minute?

 That’s preposterous. I don’t know, seems fair. You can’t do it without me. Can you give us a minute?

 I don’t know, seems fair. You can’t do it without me. Can you give us a minute?

 It says right here on Wikipedia. A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties. How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties? They should’ve used among, right? Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.

 How can you trust Wikipedia if they use between to refer to three parties? They should’ve used among, right? Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.

 They should’ve used among, right? Or amongst, if they were feeling whimsically archaic.

 Hmm. I’m doing okay, and I was very popular at 13. In school? Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names. Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?

 In school? Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names. Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?

 Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names. Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?

 Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names. Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids? You tell me, you woke up in bed with one. Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

 Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids? You tell me, you woke up in bed with one. Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

 You tell me, you woke up in bed with one. Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture.

 You tell me, you woke up in bed with one. Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture. Why is he writing to you? Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

 Listen to this. I just received an e-mail from Wil Wheaton. Leonard Nimoy’s son is working on a documentary that he started with his father before he passed away. It’s about Mr. Spock and his impact on our culture. Why is he writing to you? Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

 Why is he writing to you? Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it.

 Why is he writing to you? Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it. Oh. Hey, high five. Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

 Well, they’re looking for fans to interview, and Wil thought I’d be good for it. Oh. Hey, high five. Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

 Oh. Hey, high five. Absolutely not. Yeah, Penny, you spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?

 I’m the one who thought of Spockumentary. And I’m laughing like I did the first time I heard it. Hello. Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

 And I’m laughing like I did the first time I heard it. Hello. Hey, Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

 Fine. Then the dining room. I guess we didn’t use it very often. Unless we had company. Which didn’t happen much after my dad left and not at all after my mom… Great. I’m gonna go pick out paint samples.

 I guess we didn’t use it very often. Unless we had company. Which didn’t happen much after my dad left and not at all after my mom… Great. I’m gonna go pick out paint samples.

 All right. But this better not be some elaborate scheme to get me out of my shirt. How long have you known Adam? A few years. And what are you getting him back for?

 How long have you known Adam? A few years. And what are you getting him back for?

 A few years. And what are you getting him back for? Let’s start with your name and occupation. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.

 And what are you getting him back for? Let’s start with your name and occupation. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.

 Let’s start with your name and occupation. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech.

 Let’s start with your name and occupation. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech. And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock? The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

 Dr. Sheldon Cooper, theoretical physicist, Caltech. And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock? The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

 And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock? The first episode of Star Trek: The Original Series I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Uh, Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus II. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said eat farts. After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother’s sphincter-based cuisine.

 I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion. Spock came from a planet governed only by logic. You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, why are you hitting yourself? the answer is, I’m not. You’re moving my arm. To which he says, Fascinating. And then you both watch educational television. Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better. My brother was mean to me, too. Yeah, you probably had it coming.

 Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better. My brother was mean to me, too. Yeah, you probably had it coming.

 My brother was mean to me, too. Yeah, you probably had it coming.

 Yeah, you probably had it coming. Do you have any Spock collectibles? I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there. Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.

 Do you have any Spock collectibles? I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there. Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.

 I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there. Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on.

 I have many. My most treasured is an autographed napkin given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny. That’s her over there. Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on. Can we see the napkin? Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.

 Hi. Look at that. I’m in a movie, my shirt stayed on. Can we see the napkin? Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.

 Can we see the napkin? Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment.

 Can we see the napkin? Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment. When did we get a wall safe? When there was no more room in the floor safe.

 Of course. Excuse me. This will just take a moment. When did we get a wall safe? When there was no more room in the floor safe.

 When did we get a wall safe? When there was no more room in the floor safe.

 When did we get a wall safe? When there was no more room in the floor safe. When did we get a floor safe? When we got the security camera.

 When there was no more room in the floor safe. When did we get a floor safe? When we got the security camera.

 When did we get a floor safe? When we got the security camera. There’s a security camera? Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.

 When we got the security camera. There’s a security camera? Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.

 There’s a security camera? Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.

 Well, it’s easy to find out. Just go into the crawlspace under the house and check. When is your visa up?

 Um, doesn’t Adam count as Leonard Nimoy’s DNA? No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away. Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there? Wouldn’t you like to know?

 No offence, but this is pure 100% Nimoy. Because of your mother, you’re only 50%. Which isn’t bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away. Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there? Wouldn’t you like to know?

 Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there? Wouldn’t you like to know?

 Okay, enough about the napkin. What else you hiding in there? Wouldn’t you like to know? I would. All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

 Wouldn’t you like to know? I would. All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

 I would. All right then. See? Just my valuables. My passport, uh, my will.

 You have a will? Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil. Will Wil want it? Wil won’t.

 Yeah. My 1/18 scale Wil Wheaton action figure. I also have the other kind of will, and in it I will my Wil back to Wil. Will Wil want it? Wil won’t.

 Wil won’t. Oh, what’s that ring box? Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy. What?

 Oh, what’s that ring box? Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy. What?

 Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy. What?

 Oh. That is an engagement ring that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy. What? You bought her a ring? No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

 What? You bought her a ring? No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

 You bought her a ring? No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it.

 You bought her a ring? No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it. Sheldon, that’s awful. No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

 No, no. This has been in my family for generations. Except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great-grandmother’s finger and stole it. Sheldon, that’s awful. No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

 Sheldon, that’s awful. No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana.

 Sheldon, that’s awful. No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana. Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this? No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.

 No. The Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending. Well, for my nine-fingered Nana. Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this? No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.

 Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this? No. She broke up with me before I could broach the subject.

 Oh, man, I’m sorry, that must have been devastating for you. No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best. I know. It just… I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

 No, not at all. No, I’m fine. You know, Amy had reservations about our relationship, so all worked out for the best. I know. It just… I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

 I know. It just… I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

 I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do?

 I said I’m fine! (Long pause) We’ve gotten a little off-topic. Allow me to make things entertaining again in this little Spockumentary. That was Leonard’s joke. As a child, when faced with a dilemma, my mother encouraged me to ask what would Jesus do? The answer to that was always love thy neighbour. But my neighbour had a dead tooth, so that wasn’t going to happen. But that’s why I changed it to, what would Spock do? Did you find that helpful? Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe. I knew I could smell ’em.

 Did you find that helpful? Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe. I knew I could smell ’em.

 Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe. I knew I could smell ’em.

 Yes. Oh, for example, three years ago when I discovered Penny was eating all my Pop-Tarts, instead of getting angry or vindictive, you know, I got a floor safe. I knew I could smell ’em. What about from when you were a kid? Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

 I knew I could smell ’em. What about from when you were a kid? Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

 What about from when you were a kid? Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch.

 What about from when you were a kid? Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch. Did it work? Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.

 Oh, certainly. Uh, when I was eight years old, Billy Sparks cornered me in the playground. I asked myself what would Spock do? Then I grabbed Billy on his shoulder and performed my first Vulcan nerve pinch. Did it work? Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.

 Did it work? Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click.

 Did it work? Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click. That must have been very upsetting for you. Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

 Oh, no, he broke my collarbone. I can still hear it click. That must have been very upsetting for you. Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

 That must have been very upsetting for you. Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering.

 That must have been very upsetting for you. Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering. Oh pfft. Excuse me?

 Oh, not at all. As I said, the entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I’ve spent a lifetime mastering. Oh pfft. Excuse me?

 Um. You did go pfft. All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human. Just like you.

 You did go pfft. All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human. Just like you.

 All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human. Just like you.

 All right, fine. Well, Sheldon, I’m no expert, but aren’t you completely missing the point of Spock? I mean, he liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human. Just like you. I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else. Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

 Just like you. I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else. Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

 I’m just saying, you pretend you don’t, but you have feelings just like everybody else. Not true. No, look at me. I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead, she rejected me. And am I emotional about that? No. No, I am sitting here on a couch, talking about my favourite TV character like nothing happened. ‘Cause I am just like him, all logical, all the time.

 I can’t believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him. I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it. Yeah. Hello.

 I know. I also can’t believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it. Yeah. Hello.

 Yeah. Hello. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?

 Hello. Hey, buddy. How you doing? Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?

 Better. Did Wil and Adam leave? Yeah. Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary? Oh, yeah.

 Yeah. Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary? Oh, yeah.

 Do you think they’re going to put my outburst in the documentary? Oh, yeah.

 Well, there’s no point in dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say, Kup-fun-tor ha’kiv na’ish Du stau. Do you know what that means? No. Are you telling the truth?

 No. Are you telling the truth? Nirsh. Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

 Are you telling the truth? Nirsh. Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

 Nirsh. Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn’t accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I need to take action.

 Speaking of making babies, what do you say I wash up and poke around your crawlspace?

 Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic. Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions? Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life. Those are very wise words.

 Yeah, right. You can just shut your feelings off. There goes television, lying to us again. We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get. Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions? Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life. Those are very wise words.

 Well now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life. Those are very wise words.

 I think it’s so adorable you’re making Sheldon breakfast. Well, he’s having a rough time. Amy broke his heart, the DVR cut off the last minute of Doctor Who. That crow followed him home. Aren’t you worried you’re making French toast on oatmeal day? Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.

 Well, he’s having a rough time. Amy broke his heart, the DVR cut off the last minute of Doctor Who. That crow followed him home. Aren’t you worried you’re making French toast on oatmeal day? Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.

 Aren’t you worried you’re making French toast on oatmeal day? Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.

 Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.

 Aren’t you worried you’re making French toast on oatmeal day? Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal. Oh, I don’t want credit for that. Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.

 Ah, well, what’s this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal. Oh, I don’t want credit for that. Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.

 Oh, I don’t want credit for that. Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning.

 Oh, Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter, lovely to see you this fine morning. You’re in a good mood. Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion. Oh. Good for you.

 You’re in a good mood. Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion. Oh. Good for you.

 Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion. Oh. Good for you.

 Yeah, I am indeed. I have decided, instead of wallowing in sadness about Amy, it is time that I find myself a new female companion. Oh. Good for you. What brought this on? I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.

 Oh. Good for you. What brought this on? I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.

 What brought this on? I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her.

 What brought this on? I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her. And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman. No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.

 I realized something. When Amy was in my life, I was hyper-focused on my work and ignored her. And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman. No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.

 And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman. No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again.

 And you don’t want to make the same mistake with the next woman. No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again. Hey, I made French toast sticks. On oatmeal day?

 No, I need a new woman in my life to ignore so I can hyper-focus on my work again. Hey, I made French toast sticks. On oatmeal day?

 Thank you for coming by, gentlemen. No problem. So what’s up? Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.

 No problem. So what’s up? Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.

 So what’s up? Well, it was the two of you who found Amy Farrah Fowler for me. Now that I’m looking for my next girlfriend, it seemed only logical that I employ your services once again.

 You sure you’re up for that? She did hurt you. Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness. You’re not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I was always a Hubba Bubba man. Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.

 Oh, no, it’s all right. I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavourless lump of sadness. You’re not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I was always a Hubba Bubba man. Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.

 You’re not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I was always a Hubba Bubba man. Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy.

 Hubba Bubba over Dubble Bubble? You’re crazy. Hey, the jaw wants what it wants. Gentlemen. Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.

 Hey, the jaw wants what it wants. Gentlemen. Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay.

 Gentlemen. Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay. But what are you looking for? All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.

 Oh, right, uh, girlfriend. Okay. But what are you looking for? All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.

 But what are you looking for? All I’m looking for is an educated, intelligent woman who shares my interests while retaining her own unique point of view. She should be kind, patient, and most important, unable to imagine life without me by ten o’clock tonight.

 I’ll just call the restaurant, pretend I’m Amy and check the reservation. Damn, you’re sneaky. Yeah, but I’m little, so it’s adorable.

 I think the quickest way to find you a new girlfriend is just to get you on every dating Web site out there. Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person. And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you? Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.

 Are you sure? I’ve heard that on those sites, often when you think you’re corresponding with someone, it’s actually a computer program pretending to be a real person. And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you? Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.

 And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you? Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.

 And you’re afraid it’ll do a better job than you? Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes. If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest? Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.

 Excuse me. No one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes. If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest? Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.

 If you don’t want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest? Off the top of my head? Uh, prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, and she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.

 You seriously think women would fight for you? People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me? He’s right, he knows a lot of jokes. Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.

 People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me? He’s right, he knows a lot of jokes. Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.

 He’s right, he knows a lot of jokes. Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.

 Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would.

 Yeah, no, but it is basic human nature. If we present him as a prize, maybe they would. Well, he’s smart, he’s a respected scientist. And I have the soulful eyes of a cow. I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.

 Well, he’s smart, he’s a respected scientist. And I have the soulful eyes of a cow. I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.

 And I have the soulful eyes of a cow. I don’t know if I’d say you… oh.

 But you’re curious about aluminium cans? You’re a weird little guy.

 That’s it. The Sheldon Cooper Girlfriend Challenge is officially live. Congratulations. This is exciting. Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.

 Congratulations. This is exciting. Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.

 This is exciting. Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use.

 Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colours in the oldest national flag still in use. Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire. And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules. I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.

 Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire. And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules. I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.

 And, taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules. I, I hope we didn’t make the puzzles too hard.

 You’re right, it’s, it’s weird. No, wait. Do it. No. I changed my mind. I’d be too nervous. Oh, I don’t know what to do. Are we gonna be much longer? I really have to go to the bathroom. Right here.

 Are we gonna be much longer? I really have to go to the bathroom. Right here.

 Someone will show. And no matter what happens, this is still a fun experiment. Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives. Someone will show.

 And no matter what happens, this is still a fun experiment. Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives. Someone will show.

 Not as fun as the night we blew up grapes in the microwave. We really have led full lives. Someone will show.

 I don’t know if you want to do that, I was just, okay, never mind. Amy, I’m never washing this hand again. You really should.

 One minute is a long time. I’ve been telling women that for 20 years. Forty-five. 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.

 I’ve been telling women that for 20 years. Forty-five. 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.

 Forty-five. 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes.

 Forty-five. 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes. Thirty seconds. Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?

 45 seconds is plenty of time for a woman to walk through that door and fall in love with me. You know, probably half that if I break out the old cow eyes. Thirty seconds. Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence?

 Thirty seconds. Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence? What? Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.

 Uh-oh. What if it’s Jennifer Lawrence? What? Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea.

 Well, that last Hunger Games was not my cup of tea. You thought she was great in X-Men. Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence. Guys, fifteen seconds.

 You thought she was great in X-Men. Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence. Guys, fifteen seconds.

 Oh, fine, I won’t shut my heart to the love of Jennifer Lawrence. Guys, fifteen seconds.

 Five, four, three, two, one. That’s too bad. Maybe we did make the test too difficult. I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams. It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.

 Maybe we did make the test too difficult. I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams. It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.

 I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams. It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty.

 I don’t think it matters. Look, Sheldon, I believe when the time is right for you to meet someone, it’ll just happen. Okay? Not because of a test or a Web site, but because… (knock on door) we are the dreamers of dreams. It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty. Answer it. All right. Can I help you?

 It’s an actual girl, and she’s really pretty. Answer it. All right. Can I help you?

 Answer it. All right. Can I help you? Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist? Yes.

 All right. Can I help you? Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist? Yes.

 Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist? Yes.

 Um, are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist? Yes. Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before. Careful, it’s addictive.

 Yes. Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before. Careful, it’s addictive.

 Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before. Careful, it’s addictive.

 Hi. I’m Vanessa Bennett. Sorry it took a while for me to get here. I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy when I came across your ad, and it saved my night. The puzzles were, were really fun. I’ve never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before. Careful, it’s addictive. Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva. And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.

 Careful, it’s addictive. Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva. And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.

 Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva. And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie.

 Chija”e’vlKub je. Or, as they say in Sanskrit, Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva. And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie. Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world. I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.

 And just like that, you’re a Klingon-Sanskrit junkie. Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world. I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.

 Anyway, I, I just, I knew I had to meet the person responsible for such a brilliant idea. And I don’t need to tell you, there aren’t a lot of men who love physics, archaic languages and flags of the world. I am a bit of a unicorn. Well, you certainly seem like a special lady, uh, but as you know, you missed the deadline, so thanks for playing.

 So now anyone can control your phone? Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. Nice try. It only recognizes my voice. Oh. Cool. (In thick Indian accent) Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. I don’t sound like that.

 Nice try. It only recognizes my voice. Oh. Cool. (In thick Indian accent) Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. I don’t sound like that.

 Oh. Cool. (In thick Indian accent) Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts. I don’t sound like that.

 Oh, I can’t. I’m going to the soup kitchen, too. You said that sounded like the worst thing ever. If you can’t support me when I’m lying, why are we married?

 You said that sounded like the worst thing ever. If you can’t support me when I’m lying, why are we married?

 Hi, Sheldon. What’s up? Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets. No one can go with you? No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.

 Well, I’m calling because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I wanted to offer you the aquarium tickets. No one can go with you? No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.

 No one can go with you? No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like.

 No one can go with you? No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like. Oh. Okay. Thank you. And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.

 No. They’d rather spend the holiday with each other than find out of this is the year I finally touch a starfish. Anyway, I wouldn’t want the tickets to go to waste, so take whomever you’d like. Oh. Okay. Thank you. And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.

 Oh. Okay. Thank you. And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy.

 Oh. Okay. Thank you. And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy. Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends. You don’t think that will be awkward?

 And feel free to tell your guest that the Myanmar catfish is also known as the pilgrim fish. In case the turkey’s dry and you need something juicy. Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends. You don’t think that will be awkward?

 Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends. You don’t think that will be awkward?

 Sheldon, I can tell you want to go, so if you’d be comfortable with it, maybe we could go as friends. You don’t think that will be awkward? Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine. Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.

 You don’t think that will be awkward? Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine. Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.

 Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine. Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning.

 Well it is Thanksgiving in an aquarium cafeteria, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say yes. But if you mean between us, I think it’ll be fine. Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning. See you then. Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.

 Very well, then. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving morning. See you then. Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.

 See you then. Oh, and forget what I said about the Myanmar catfish. My list of marine-themed pilgrim facts is pretty short.

 Your birthday is December 2, you grew up on Perkins Street, the last four digits of your social are 7 6-2 1, and the odds of me letting you forget this are zero. Oh, look at us. Our last Thanksgiving as husband and wife.

 Hi. Ready for the aquarium? I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation. If that makes you more comfortable. If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?

 I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation. If that makes you more comfortable. If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?

 If that makes you more comfortable. If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets?

 If that makes you more comfortable. If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets? No. You? No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?

 If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list. Okay, now, oh, since last we spoke, have you acquired any pets? No. You? No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?

 No. You? No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations?

 No. You? No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations? I might go visit my aunt next week. Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?

 No. Um, since last we spoke, have you planned or gone on any vacations? I might go visit my aunt next week. Mm. Your aunt in Modesto?

 You’re in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver! It’s not like I’m expecting them to sing.

 Are we done discussing the weather? I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use. Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet. All right. Well, what should we talk about?

 I don’t know if I’d call it discussing. You kind of sat back and let me do all the work. Let’s see, what’s next on the list. Oh, uh, do you whittle, and if so, what kind of knife do you use. Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet. All right. Well, what should we talk about?

 Sheldon. We’ve known each other a long time. We are perfectly capable of having a conversation without relying on a list off the Internet. All right. Well, what should we talk about?

 OMG. OMG. We’re so close to the new Star Wars. I can’t take it. Gah. Gah? Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.

 Well, you didn’t read it right. The new Star Wars is coming. Gah.

 No. It’s okay. If we’re friends, we should be able to talk about anything. All right. So, you had some questions about me seeing other people. Just a few.

 All right. So, you had some questions about me seeing other people. Just a few.

 So, you had some questions about me seeing other people. Just a few.

 So, you had some questions about me seeing other people. Just a few. Go ahead. How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.

 Just a few. Go ahead. How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.

 Go ahead. How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry.

 Go ahead. How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry. Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment. Is that regular or honey nut?

 How many dates have you been on? Who were they with? Where’d you go? Where did you meet them? Did you sleep with them? And how much longer to the aquarium? I’m getting kind of hungry. Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment. Is that regular or honey nut?

 Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment. Is that regular or honey nut?

 Let’s see. I have been on six dates with three different people. It was either for coffee or dinner. One I met at a bookstore and two I met online. I haven’t slept with anyone. The aquarium is 40 minutes away. And there’s a baggie of Cheerios for you in the glove compartment. Is that regular or honey nut? I mixed them. You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?

 Is that regular or honey nut? I mixed them. You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?

 I mixed them. You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me?

 I mixed them. You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me? Just one. Are you doing okay? I am.

 You mixed them. No wonder gentleman callers are pounding down your door. Do you have any questions for me? Just one. Are you doing okay? I am.

 Oh, look. Someone hardly touched their pumpkin pie. Want to share it with me? A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.

 A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter? With Elon Musk, you bet I do.

 You’re just upset ’cause they ran out of Pilgrim hats. They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake. Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby. Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?

 They gave one to that baby. He wasn’t even awake. Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby. Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?

 Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby. Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented?

 Well, it wouldn’t be a holiday without you being mad at a baby. Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented? Sure. What is it? It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.

 Oh. Would you care to play an ocean-themed game I invented? Sure. What is it? It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.

 Sure. What is it? It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle.

 Sure. What is it? It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle. So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill. What is that?

 It’s called Food, Friend, Fight. One of us chooses three aquatic creatures, and the other one must decide which he would eat, befriend, or battle. So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill. What is that?

 So it’s like Kiss, Marry, Kill. What is that? It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill. Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.

 What is that? It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill. Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.

 It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill. Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them.

 It’s a game where you’re given three people and you choose which one you’d kiss, marry, or kill. Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them. Let’s just play. I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.

 Well, my game is better, ’cause instead of marrying someone, you get to eat them. Let’s just play. I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.

 Let’s just play. I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp.

 Let’s just play. I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp. Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated. Very well done.

 I’ll start you off easy. Electric eel, pufferfish, shrimp. Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated. Very well done.

 Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated. Very well done.

 Hmm. Well, I wouldn’t fight the eel, because I know it can generate enough current to kill a horse. So I’d eat the eel, fight the shrimp, and befriend the pufferfish, because it would be nice to have company on those days I feel bloated. Very well done. Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants. Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?

 Very well done. Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants. Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?

 Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants. Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I?

 Thank you. Okay, your turn. Hmm. Seal, hagfish, SpongeBob SquarePants. Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I? But you can pal around with a hagfish? Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.

 Well, I’d befriend SpongeBob but he’s not real, so I can’t do that, can I? But you can pal around with a hagfish? Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.

 But you can pal around with a hagfish? Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish.

 But you can pal around with a hagfish? Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish. Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute. I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.

 Hey, let’s not pull at that thread. Okay. I’ll fight SpongeBob, because he’s so friendly we’ll just end up tickling each other. Um, I’ll befriend the seal, because he’s trainable, which is the problem I’m having with my current friends. Which means I’ll have to eat the hagfish. Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute. I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.

 Isn’t that gross? I mean, a hagfish can produce enough mucus to fill a bucket in a minute. I know. It makes its own gravy, it’ll slide right down.

 Oh. Huh? Some of this? And, since it’s Thanksgiving, an extra helping of this? Happy Thanks… Yikes.

 Huh? Some of this? And, since it’s Thanksgiving, an extra helping of this? Happy Thanks… Yikes.

 I’m glad you had a nice time with Amy. Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends. Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes. Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.

 Me, too. It’s comforting to know that she and I are able to function as friends. Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes. Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.

 Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes. Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello.

 Well, I’ve never been friends with any of my exes. Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello. Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s. Did you have a nice time?

 Oh, I’m sure you and Leonard will be able to pull it off. (Phone rings) Oh. It’s my friend Amy. Hello. Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s. Did you have a nice time?

 Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s. Did you have a nice time?

 Hi, Sheldon. I’m just driving home from my mother’s. Did you have a nice time? I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you. Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.

 Did you have a nice time? I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you. Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.

 I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you. Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way.

 I did. Um, listen, I really enjoyed spending this morning with you. Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way. It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again. Oh. I thought we were just friends.

 Well, I can’t take all the credit. It was pretty funny when that one anchovy started going the wrong way. It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again. Oh. I thought we were just friends.

 It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again. Oh. I thought we were just friends.

 It was. Uh, listen, I, I was thinking that, um, maybe I’m ready to be your girlfriend again. Oh. I thought we were just friends. We are. But I was hoping, maybe… Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.

 Oh. I thought we were just friends. We are. But I was hoping, maybe… Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.

 We are. But I was hoping, maybe… Amy, I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn’t one of them. I think I need to just be your friend.

 Sheldon Cooper’s descent into madness, day two. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I feel the urge to urinate. My normal urination time is 7:10 a.m., but here I am, in the middle of the night, struggling to keep my mind sharp and my pajamas dry. It’s only a matter of time before my tenuous grasp on reality fades. I suppose I should pee while I still know what a toilet is.

 Since when do you hum songs? What are you talking about? You were just humming. Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.

 What are you talking about? You were just humming. Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.

 You were just humming. Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.

 How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls? Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that? Well, hum it again. Is that the SpongeBob song? Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.

 Let’s see. Hey, I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff. What song is that? Well, hum it again. Is that the SpongeBob song? Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.

 Well, hum it again. Is that the SpongeBob song? Who lives in a pineapple. Nope.

 Well, hum it again. Is that the SpongeBob song? Who lives in a pineapple. Nope. Whatever. Can we just get back to this? I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.

 Who lives in a pineapple. Nope. Whatever. Can we just get back to this? I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.

 Whatever. Can we just get back to this? I feel like I know what song that is, but I can’t put my finger on it. (Singing) My country, ’tis of thee. No.

 Hello, yes, I was hoping you could help me. What song is this? La, la, la, la, la, la, la. You don’t know? Well, how dare you call yourselves a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? My goodness. Do you sing along to the greatest hits of Elvis Presley with that mouth? Well, they were no help at all. Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service. Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody. Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

 Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service. Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody. Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

 Yeah. So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody. Well, I’m not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can’t. Something’s wrong with me.

 Put on some headphones. No they make my earlobes sweat. Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while? There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.

 No they make my earlobes sweat. Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while? There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.

 Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while? There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting.

 Hey, sweetie, why don’t you take a break and do something else for a while? There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting. Okay, great. What is it? I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.

 There was a project I’ve been thinking about starting. Okay, great. What is it? I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.

 Okay, great. What is it? I’ll show you. (Into phone camera) Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, you were driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a sack of parrots and monkeys. So, I’m going to tell you everything you need to know. Uh, first, music is dangerous. The movie Footloose tried to warn us, but we wouldn’t listen. Oh, wait. (Singing) Everyody cut footloose. Nope.

 Hey, can we please get back to work? This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world. All right, just stop. This is ridiculous. Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.

 This is Leonard. He’s your best friend in the world. All right, just stop. This is ridiculous. Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.

 All right, just stop. This is ridiculous. Sometimes he gets cranky, but you can trust him with your life. And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.

 My fault. I brought him up. Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?

 Yeah. Well, let’s change the subject. No more mentions of you-know-who. That’s a cool train. Where did you get that?

 Bah, bam, bum-bum, bah, bum, bum. This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating? That’s a trick question, right? Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness. Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.

 That’s a trick question, right? Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness. Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.

 Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness. Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.

 Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems.

 Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s a rich history of brilliant minds descending into madness. Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems. Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you. Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.

 Come on, Sheldon. There are plenty of smart people who don’t have mental problems. Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you. Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.

 Yup, she’s right. For every Newton who had a psychological issue, there’s an Edison who was just a jerk. That could totally be you. Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. And Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon who he claimed loved him back.

 I wonder why it was this particular song that was stuck in my head. I don’t know. It’s pretty catchy. Do you even like the Beach Boys? They have beach right in the name. What do you think?

 I don’t know. It’s pretty catchy. Do you even like the Beach Boys? They have beach right in the name. What do you think?

 Do you even like the Beach Boys? They have beach right in the name. What do you think?

 Do you even like the Beach Boys? They have beach right in the name. What do you think? Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls? Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.

 They have beach right in the name. What do you think? Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls? Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.

 Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls? Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head.

 Well, now that you can focus again, what do you say we get back to surface tension of domain walls? Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head. Why? It’s about Amy.

 Of course. I’m already seeing a more efficient way of taming the ultravi… I know why the song was in my head. Why? It’s about Amy.

 Why? It’s about Amy. Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her. It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”

 It’s about Amy. Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her. It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”

 Okay, look, I know Amy’s like an old lady, but she’s not old enough to have a song from the sixties written about her. It’s about how she made my life better. Consider the lyrics. I was living like half a man. Then I couldn’t love, but now I can. More soul than I ever had. I love the way you soften my life.”

 No, I, I think it’s neat. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. No one’s ever liked the tie clip before, so I just lost all control. No, it, it’s okay, and we are on a date. I’m, I’m just a little nervous. Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.

 Sorry. Sorry. No one’s ever liked the tie clip before, so I just lost all control. No, it, it’s okay, and we are on a date. I’m, I’m just a little nervous. Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.

 No, it, it’s okay, and we are on a date. I’m, I’m just a little nervous. Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.

 Well, no need to be nervous with me. I’m just a harmless giant from a foreign land.

 You know, I’m just being silly. I, I don’t know what I’m waiting for. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? That’s Sheldon. You’re kidding. How’s my hair?

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? (Knock, knock, knock) Amy? That’s Sheldon. You’re kidding. How’s my hair?

 You’re kidding. How’s my hair? Sheldon, this, this isn’t a good time. I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind. What?

 Sheldon, this, this isn’t a good time. I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind. What?

 I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind. What?

 I don’t care. Amy, there was a song I couldn’t get out of my head. Eventually, I realized the song was about you, and like that earworm, I can’t get you out of my heart. So, what I’m trying to say is, you’re my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not, not the poodle-killing kind. What? If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me. I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.

 What? If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me. I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.

 If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me. I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date.

 If I may, I believe what he’s saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back. Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don’t mind me. I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date. No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going? Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.

 I’m, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize you were on a date. No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going? Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.

 No, it, it, it’s okay. Keep going? Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.

 Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend. I really want that, too. Good. Because I love you. I love you, too.

 I really want that, too. Good. Because I love you. I love you, too.

 It is a period of great tension. Our heroes, Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz and Koothrappali know that tickets to the new Star Wars movie are about to be available for pre-sale.  If they fail in their mission and can’t see it on opening night Sheldon has sworn that they will never hear the end of it for the rest of their lives… They believe him.

 If they fail in their mission and can’t see it on opening night Sheldon has sworn that they will never hear the end of it for the rest of their lives… They believe him.

 What? They’re not supposed to be available yet. I don’t know what to tell you, but they’re on sale. Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?

 They’re not supposed to be available yet. I don’t know what to tell you, but they’re on sale. Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?

 I don’t know what to tell you, but they’re on sale. Wait. You’re sure they’re Star Wars tickets?

 The Web site’s frozen. I can’t get in. Yeah, me, too. Same here! Guys, they’re gonna sell out.

 Same here! Guys, they’re gonna sell out. What are we gonna do?! All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.

 Guys, they’re gonna sell out. What are we gonna do?! All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.

 What are we gonna do?! All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist.

 All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You’re good friends with my mom. I know I’ve spent my life denying that you exist. Got ’em. And I will continue to do so!

 I’m really happy you and Amy are back together. Oh, thank you. I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days. Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.

 Oh, thank you. I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days. Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.

 I’m also really happy, but I can’t pretend it’s for you. New Star Wars in three days. Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee.

 Hey, Thursday can’t get here soon enough. I’m taking off work to watch the original trilogy while I eat enough Star Wars cereal to choke a Wookiee. Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy’s birthday. And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed. You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.

 Uh, sweetie, you do realize Thursday is Amy’s birthday. And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed. You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.

 And you do realize I bought my ticket when Amy and I were broken up? I hope you didn’t need anything in that case, ’cause it’s closed. You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.

 You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch her on her birthday.

 I think Penny has a point. You can see it another day. But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming? Aw, that’s nice. Put that on her cake.

 But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Amy’s birthday for me. Surprise, she’s even older. Who saw that coming? Aw, that’s nice. Put that on her cake.

 Oh, great. This again. Arthur, what brings you back? Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream. In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.

 Arthur, what brings you back? Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream. In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.

 Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream. In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma.

 Uh, beats me. I, I just hope this isn’t a, a sex dream. In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma. And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you? Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.

 In the past, you’ve come to me when I’m struggling with a dilemma. And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you? Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.

 And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you? Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie.

 And, and the one time where, where you were afraid, and you needed me for, for a night light. What’s, what’s troubling you? Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie. Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now? Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

 Well, my friends are telling me I shouldn’t abandon my girlfriend on her birthday to see the new Star Wars movie. Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now? Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

 Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now? Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.

 Well, sounds right. Can, can I get out of this muumuu now? Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. And they, they, they don’t wear underwear. So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?

 Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. And they, they, they don’t wear underwear. So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?

 And they, they, they don’t wear underwear. So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere?

 And they, they, they don’t wear underwear. So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere? Uh, do, do you love this girl? Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.

 So, you agree with my friends that I should skip the premiere? Uh, do, do you love this girl? Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.

 Uh, do, do you love this girl? Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me.

 Uh, do, do you love this girl? Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me. Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you. By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?

 Yes. But she knows how important Star Wars is to me. Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you. By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?

 Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you. By seeing the movie she’d want me to see?

 Well, maybe you should show her how, how important she is to you. By seeing the movie she’d want me to see? Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her. You’re right.

 By seeing the movie she’d want me to see? Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her. You’re right.

 Sheldon, you, you can see this movie whenever you want. But you only have a limited number of days that you, you can be with this woman. Be with her. You’re right.

 Great. Where are you going? I don’t know, but hopefully, somewhere I can wear pants.

 Where are you going? I don’t know, but hopefully, somewhere I can wear pants.

 Sheldon, what’s wrong? I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you. Okay. See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.

 I wanted to let you know I’ll be spending your birthday with you. Okay. See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.

 Okay. See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you.

 Okay. See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you. Obi-what? I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.

 See, I, I had tickets to the Star Wars premiere that night, but Professor Proton came to me in a dream dressed as Obi-Wan Kenobi and convinced me I should be with you. Obi-what? I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.

 Obi-what? I’ll, I’ll let you get back to sleep now. Good night.

 Good for Sheldon deciding to stay with Amy on her birthday. I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him. Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh)  Hello.

 I know. It’s still gonna be weird to see the movie without him. Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh)  Hello.

 Well, we could wait a couple days and see it together. (all laugh)  Hello.

 What happens if I say, come in? Well, find out. Come in. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Well, find out. Come in. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Come in. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.

 Come in. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. Come in. Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. (Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette. Come in. Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.

 Come in. Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be. Just come in. For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.

 Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be. Just come in. For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.

 Just come in. For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix.

 Just come in. For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix. We’re sorry. What do you need? Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.

 For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I’ll stream it on Netflix. We’re sorry. What do you need? Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.

 We’re sorry. What do you need? Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift.

 We’re sorry. What do you need? Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift. Sure. Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.

 Well, as you know, I’ll be celebrating Amy’s birthday with her, and I could use your assistance in helping me select the perfect gift. Sure. Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.

 Sure. Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic.

 Sure. Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic. Wow. You can really arrange that? Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.

 Well, so far, I’ve come up with three ideas. The first is a chance for her to play the harp with the L.A. Philharmonic. Wow. You can really arrange that? Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.

 Wow. You can really arrange that? Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different.

 Well, I said a chance, you know. When you tell them it’s your birthday at Bennigan’s, they make a fuss. I don’t see why the Philharmonic would be any different. How about something a little more realistic? Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival. Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.

 How about something a little more realistic? Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival. Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.

 Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival. Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga.

 Well, Amy enjoys knitting her own sweaters, so I was thinking of getting her an all-expense-paid trip to the Wisconsin Sheep and Wool Festival. Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga. Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin. No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.

 Sorry. I was waiting for the bazinga. Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin. No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.

 Hold on. It could be romantic. The two of them away together, keeping each other warm in snowy Wisconsin. No, no, no, no. She’d be going alone. Well, if you think I’m afraid of birds, you should see me around sheep.

 Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s, let’s, let’s just recap our options. All right, we’ve got harp thing, sheep thing. Wild thang. Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left. Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.

 Wild thang. Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left. Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.

 Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left. Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you.

 Which do you think she’d prefer? Because I checked the Sheep and Wool Festival Web site, and there’s only 8,000 tickets left. Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you. Yeah, are you ready for this? Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.

 Sheldon, being physical with Amy is a huge step for you. Yeah, are you ready for this? Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.

 Yeah, are you ready for this? Intimacy in any form has been challenging for me, but I’d like to show her how important she is, and it feels like now might be the right time.

 I, I can’t believe it. I, I don’t know what to say. Well, we’re really happy for you, and we know how much he cares… I do know what to say. Let’s get me waxed.

 Well, we’re really happy for you, and we know how much he cares… I do know what to say. Let’s get me waxed.

 Why isn’t it ever Angie Dickinson’s bedroom? You’re back. It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me. I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.

 You’re back. It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me. I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.

 It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me. I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before.

 It, it doesn’t seem like it’s up to me. I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before. Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot. So, can you help me?

 I suppose you’re here because I’ve decided to be physical with my girlfriend, and I’ve never done that before. Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot. So, can you help me?

 Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot. So, can you help me?

 Eh, excuse me for a moment. Well, it was worth a shot. So, can you help me? Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers… Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.

 So, can you help me? Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers… Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.

 Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers… Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics.

 Uh, all right. Um, once, once the man gets the, the woman out of her, out of her bloomers… Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics. Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts. I think they say junk.

 Oh, no. Not that. I, I understand the mechanics. Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts. I think they say junk.

 Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts. I think they say junk.

 Oh, good, good. ‘Cause, uh, I have no idea what kids these days are calling their, their parts. I think they say junk. What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know? This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.

 I think they say junk. What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know? This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.

 What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know? This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything.

 What is happening to this world? What, what do you actually need to know? This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything. Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay. Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.

 This is an important night for us, and I’m worried I might be overwhelmed and ruin everything. Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay. Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.

 Sheldon, if, if you’re with the right person, it, it’ll be okay. Thank you, Arthur. You are the wisest of the wise.

 Come in. Oh. Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.

 Oh. Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.

 Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while.

 Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while. That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water. Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.

 Hello. Sorry I’m late. I also got you a balloon, but it floated away, and I chased it for a while. That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water. Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.

 That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water. Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music.

 That’s okay. Come on in. Thank you. Um, I’ll, I’m gonna go put these in water. Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music. Do you like it? It’s kind of spooky.

 Okay. Ooh, this is different, hmm? Candles and music. Do you like it? It’s kind of spooky.

 Do you like it? It’s kind of spooky. I can change it back. No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.

 It’s kind of spooky. I can change it back. No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.

 I can change it back. No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine.

 I can change it back. No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine. So, what’d you have in mind for tonight? I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.

 No, no, no. It’s your birthday. As long as no one jumps out in a hockey mask, I’ll be fine. So, what’d you have in mind for tonight? I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.

 So, what’d you have in mind for tonight? I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon.

 So, what’d you have in mind for tonight? I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon. Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first. Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.

 I thought I could take you out to a nice birthday dinner. If we pick a place east of here, we might find the balloon. Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first. Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.

 Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first. Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift.

 Um, that sounds nice, but I’m not really hungry right now. I thought maybe we could do presents first. Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift. You mean before you give it to me? Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?

 Oh. All right. Um. I should probably tell you something about this gift. You mean before you give it to me? Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?

 You mean before you give it to me? Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you?

 You mean before you give it to me? Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you? Of course. Why are we saying give it to you like that?

 Yes. May I ask you a question before I give it to you? Of course. Why are we saying give it to you like that?

 Of course. Why are we saying give it to you like that? Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight. I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.

 Why are we saying give it to you like that? Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight. I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.

 Sheldon, I know your present is for us to be intimate tonight. I see. Is that all right? I’m sorry, but this is a litigious society. I’m gonna need verbal consent.

 I don’t know. He said he’s ready. Yeah, but he also swore this was the year he’d be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin. Well, I’m gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.

 Yeah, but he also swore this was the year he’d be able to pull the guts out of a pumpkin. Well, I’m gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.

 Well, I’m gonna stay positive. I mean, we talked, I told him what women like, and after he stopped giggling, he seemed pretty sure of himself.

 Hi. Hello. So, um, should I get under the covers with you? All right. Hello.

 Hello. So, um, should I get under the covers with you? All right. Hello.

 So, um, should I get under the covers with you? All right. Hello.

 So, um, should I get under the covers with you? All right. Hello. Hi. Why are you shaking? Are you cold?

 Hi. Why are you shaking? Are you cold? I’m just, um, really nervous. Why?

 Why are you shaking? Are you cold? I’m just, um, really nervous. Why?

 He’s right. It is. Although, we all remember Jar Jar. Leonard, I, I’m scared again.

 It is. Although, we all remember Jar Jar. Leonard, I, I’m scared again.

 Although, we all remember Jar Jar. Leonard, I, I’m scared again.

 Although, we all remember Jar Jar. Leonard, I, I’m scared again. A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away…. Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.

 Leonard, I, I’m scared again. A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away…. Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.

 A few hours later, in a bedroom not far away…. Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.

 Uh, Sheldon? Sheldon? Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice. I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go? Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.

 Arthur. What are you doing here? I, I don’t think I need any more advice. I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go? Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.

 I, I was just curious. How, how’d it go? Oh. It was amazing. I, I saw it a few days later. What a movie.

 Oh. Uh, uh, she liked it fine. But she doesn’t have the history with the franchise I do. Okay. Good, good talk.

 It’s not the best Best Western I’ve been to, but I’d say it’s the third best Best Western I’ve been to. I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy. What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy? Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.

 I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn’t the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy. What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy? Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.

 What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy? Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle.

 What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy? Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle. Okay, well, I should unpack. All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.

 Mm, that’s a great question. I like when they’re next to a Chipotle. Okay, well, I should unpack. All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.

 Okay, well, I should unpack. All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.

 Okay, well, I should unpack. All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference. I will. I wish you were here. At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.

 All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference. I will. I wish you were here. At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.

 I will. I wish you were here. At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.

 I will. I wish you were here. At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say. Okay, I’m glad you’re not here? Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

 At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say. Okay, I’m glad you’re not here? Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

 Okay, I’m glad you’re not here? Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

 Okay, I’m glad you’re not here? Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say. Good-bye, Sheldon. Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

 Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say. Good-bye, Sheldon. Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

 Good-bye, Sheldon. Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

 Good-bye, Sheldon. Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on? Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands. That sounds awful. Raj?

 Bye. Oh, good news, gentlemen. Amy’s at a conference this weekend, which means I’m available to be entertained, hmm. As today’s youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on? Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands. That sounds awful. Raj?

 Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands. That sounds awful. Raj?

 Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands. That sounds awful. Raj? Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me. That’s the one to beat. Leonard?

 That sounds awful. Raj? Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me. That’s the one to beat. Leonard?

 Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me. That’s the one to beat. Leonard?

 Uh, I’ve got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You’re more than welcome to join me. That’s the one to beat. Leonard? Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off. Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

 That’s the one to beat. Leonard? Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off. Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

 Oh, if anything, I’m trying to get my Sheld-off. Well, then it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

 Oh. What if Leonard made an appointment and tried to lay some groundwork for you? That’s interesting. I’m not gonna make a fake appointment with a psychiatrist. What would I say is wrong with me? Low self-esteem.

 That’s interesting. I’m not gonna make a fake appointment with a psychiatrist. What would I say is wrong with me? Low self-esteem.

 I’m not gonna make a fake appointment with a psychiatrist. What would I say is wrong with me? Low self-esteem.

 That’s just crazy. How would my going in there even help you? I don’t know. You could talk to her, and maybe if it comes up, you could ask if she’s heard about the drug. What if I get caught? Fear of failure.

 I don’t know. You could talk to her, and maybe if it comes up, you could ask if she’s heard about the drug. What if I get caught? Fear of failure.

 Kind of a wuss. Fine, I’ll do it. But not because of them, because I love you. Thank you. Pushover.

 Fine, I’ll do it. But not because of them, because I love you. Thank you. Pushover.

 What? Hmm, I just have never been in this room while you’re awake.

 Uh, making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced. Hmm. What are you doing now? Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced. Oh, I see. How about now?

 Hmm. What are you doing now? Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced. Oh, I see. How about now?

 Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced. Oh, I see. How about now?

 Still making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced. Oh, I see. How about now? Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book. Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

 Oh, I see. How about now? Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book. Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

 Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book. Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

 Now I’m making sure the telescope’s camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a colouring book. Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle. Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies. Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.

 Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who’d been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle. Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies. Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.

 Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies. Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella.

 Fine, you want something to do? There’s about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don’t you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies. Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella. Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours. Found one.

 Yep, I’m on it. Hey, look at that, an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fella. Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours. Found one.

 Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours. Found one.

 Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours. Found one. No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there. But, look, an optical transient.

 Found one. No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there. But, look, an optical transient.

 No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there. But, look, an optical transient.

 No, you didn’t. There are millions of data points there. But, look, an optical transient. Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that? It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?

 But, look, an optical transient. Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that? It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?

 Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that? It wasn’t difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they’re twin primes, they’re pink and smell like gasoline?

 Okay, so once we receive the next image and compare it to the ones we’ve already collected, we’ll know what it is that we found. Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation. It could be a trans-Neptunian object. Maybe it’s a new planet.

 Ooh, perhaps it’s a Heliosheath scintillation. It could be a trans-Neptunian object. Maybe it’s a new planet.

 It could be a trans-Neptunian object. Maybe it’s a new planet. Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet. Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.

 Maybe it’s a new planet. Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet. Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.

 Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet. Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy.

 Unlikely, but it could be a dwarf planet. Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy. Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is… Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.

 Well, as long as it has a healthy gravity and all its moons, I’ll be happy. Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is… Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.

 Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is… Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist.

 Okay, the final image is coming in. And the object we discovered is… Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist. A medium-sized asteroid. That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.

 Come on, Daddy needs a livable planet he can rule with an iron fist. A medium-sized asteroid. That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.

 A medium-sized asteroid. That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space.

 A medium-sized asteroid. That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space. I kind of like chicken fingers. Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.

 That’s it? How common. That’s the chicken fingers on the menu of space. I kind of like chicken fingers. Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.

 I kind of like chicken fingers. Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor.

 I kind of like chicken fingers. Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor. Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery. I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.

 Yeah, me, too. I was stuck for a metaphor. Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery. I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.

 Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery. I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it.

 Come on, a medium-sized asteroid is still an interesting discovery. I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it. You dream different than me. It is kind of cute.

 I suppose it could end up on a collision course with Earth and destroy life as we know it. You dream different than me. It is kind of cute.

 And he tried to deny it, but his teeth were all purple. That was pretty cute. Yeah. Ew, we are missing him!

 So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names. That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper. How is that both our names? Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.

 That’s a great idea. I’ve got it. We’ll call it Cooper. How is that both our names? Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.

 How is that both our names? Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper.

 How is that both our names? Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper. Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K? Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.

 Koo from Koothrappali and per from Cooper. Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K? Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.

 Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K? Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb.

 Yeah, s-so it’s, like, Kooper with a K? Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb. Hey. Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.

 Nah, you’re right, that’s dumb. Hey. Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.

 Hey. Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together.

 Oh, Leonard, great news. We discovered a medium-sized asteroid together. Wow, that’s amazing. I’m in a pretty great mood today myself. Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now. Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.

 Wow, that’s amazing. I’m in a pretty great mood today myself. Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now. Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.

 Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now. Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.

 Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.

 Okay. Guess we’re gonna talk about you now. Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter. I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you. Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.

 Well, we are, because Dr. Gallo made me realize that I’m a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter. I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you. Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.

 I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you. Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it.

 I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you. Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it. Wait, what happened to us? Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.

 Okay, back to me. I discovered an asteroid, and now I get to name it. Wait, what happened to us? Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.

 Wait, what happened to us? Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid.

 Wait, what happened to us? Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid. Well, what are you thinking of naming it? I haven’t settled on anything yet.

 Now, this isn’t about us, this is about what’s best for the asteroid. Well, what are you thinking of naming it? I haven’t settled on anything yet.

 Well, what are you thinking of naming it? I haven’t settled on anything yet.

 I haven’t settled on anything yet. We haven’t settled on anything yet. All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there. You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.

 We haven’t settled on anything yet. All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there. You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.

 All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there. You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.

 You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.

 All right, way to go, Cat Poster. You hang in there. You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care. That is a great idea. It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.

 You know what’d be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care. That is a great idea. It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.

 That is a great idea. It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever.

 That is a great idea. It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever. So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names? I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.

 It’s perfect. It appears romantic, but it’s really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine’s Day forever. So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names? I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.

 So, uh, what were you thinking? Combine their names? I like it. Yeah, we’ll take the A-M from Amy and, uh, the Y from Emily.

 I don’t wanna. Here is a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he’s perpetuating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you? You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.

 Here is a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he’s perpetuating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you? You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.

 You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.

 Hi, Sheldon. What’s up? Good news. You’re an asteroid. Uh, please tell me what to say next. Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.

 Good news. You’re an asteroid. Uh, please tell me what to say next. Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.

 Uh, please tell me what to say next. Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you.

 Uh, please tell me what to say next. Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you. Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name? Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.

 Perhaps I should explain. While working with Koothrappali, we discovered an asteroid, and I named it after you. Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name? Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.

 Oh. Sheldon, thank you. That’s so romantic. But what about Rajesh? He was okay with you choosing the name? Well, it took a little negotiating, but I wore him down. Uh, we get the asteroid, and if you and I have children, they all have to be named Rajesh.

 I do. You know, Leonard’s right. Talking to you is really helping. Oh, I’m glad. You know, you might also benefit from a prescription for anxiety. Okay, if you think it’ll help. Oh, just don’t make it Placinex. I do not need sudden fits of homicidal rage.

 Oh, I’m glad. You know, you might also benefit from a prescription for anxiety. Okay, if you think it’ll help. Oh, just don’t make it Placinex. I do not need sudden fits of homicidal rage.

 Okay, if you think it’ll help. Oh, just don’t make it Placinex. I do not need sudden fits of homicidal rage.

 Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love. Ooh, we should watch that next girls’ night. We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I love me some Leo.

 Ooh, we should watch that next girls’ night. We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I love me some Leo.

 We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I love me some Leo.

 We could do a double feature with the Leonardo Di Caprio Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I love me some Leo. And it’s gone. Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.

 Oh, I love me some Leo. And it’s gone. Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.

 And it’s gone. Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better.

 And it’s gone. Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better. Good for you. My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.

 Oh, hello, everyone. I am happy to report I’m feeling much better. Good for you. My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.

 Good for you. My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall.

 Good for you. My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall. Glad to hear it. I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.

 My fever is gone, my sinuses are pressure-free, and my mucus is as clear as a Yosemite waterfall. Glad to hear it. I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow.

 Glad to hear it. I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow. Yay. Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.

 I’ll be able to return to work tomorrow. Yay. Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.

 Yay. Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again.

 Yay. Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again. You really don’t know why? No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.

 Well, why isn’t everyone happy? Your little ray of sunshine is ready to beam again. You really don’t know why? No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.

 You really don’t know why? No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof.

 You really don’t know why? No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof. Let me refresh your memory. Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.

 No. But I knew that his yay was sarcastic. Not bad for a guy whose last bowel movement sounded like rain on a roof. Let me refresh your memory. Penny, rub Vicks on my chest.

 Let me refresh your memory. Penny, rub Vicks on my chest. Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest. Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.

 Penny, rub Vicks on my chest. Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest. Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.

 Sheldon, I cooked you breakfast. I made your bed. I checked your mouth for thrush. You can rub your own chest. Oh, sure, grope every other male on the planet, but draw the line with me.

 I brought you a little care package from work. It’s our latest antiviral and the best decongestant we make. I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke. Hey, she came all the way here… You’re gonna want to take these with food.

 I hope laughter is the best medicine, ’cause this care package is a joke. Hey, she came all the way here… You’re gonna want to take these with food.

 Hey, she came all the way here… You’re gonna want to take these with food.

 Hey, she came all the way here… You’re gonna want to take these with food. Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you. She’s a dermatologist.

 You’re gonna want to take these with food. Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you. She’s a dermatologist.

 Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you. She’s a dermatologist.

 Sheldon, stop being a baby and let Emily take a look at you. She’s a dermatologist. I went to medical school. Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.

 She’s a dermatologist. I went to medical school. Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.

 I went to medical school. Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you.

 I went to medical school. Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you. All right, here you go. Leonard, I’m dying.

 Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you. All right, here you go. Leonard, I’m dying.

 Well, in that case, try removing the irritating patch of brown skin standing next to you. All right, here you go. Leonard, I’m dying. You’re not dying. It’s just the flu.

 All right, here you go. Leonard, I’m dying. You’re not dying. It’s just the flu.

 You’re not dying. It’s just the flu. I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me. I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?

 I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken and stars. It’s killing me. I never did get that chicken noodle, did I?

 Hi, Sheldon. Hello. Are you feeling any better? Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.

 Hello. Are you feeling any better? Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.

 Are you feeling any better? Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason.

 Are you feeling any better? Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason. Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?

 Physically, yes, but I’m upset because everyone’s mad at me for no good reason. Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?

 Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter?

 Why don’t you tell me what happened, and in a gentle, loving way, I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter? Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky. I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?

 You know how, when you’re sick, you’re allowed to be cranky and say whatever you want and other people’s feelings don’t matter? Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky. I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?

 Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky. I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?

 Ooh. Gentle and loving, this is gonna be tricky. I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is? Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended. You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?

 I had a hundred and one fever. If that’s not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is? Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended. You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?

 Sheldon, when you’re sick, you can be unbearable. That’s why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it’s ended. You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?

 So, the guys and I were talking about renting a party bus and everyone going to Vegas. Oh, that could be fun. But just to be clear, you mean a party bus with booze and music, right, not, like, juice boxes and video games? Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay. Well, I’m in. When are we going?

 Oh, that could be fun. But just to be clear, you mean a party bus with booze and music, right, not, like, juice boxes and video games? Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay. Well, I’m in. When are we going?

 Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay. Well, I’m in. When are we going?

 Yes. And Howard’s birthday was a drop-off party, you didn’t have to stay. Well, I’m in. When are we going? This weekend. Oh, where are we going?

 Well, I’m in. When are we going? This weekend. Oh, where are we going?

 This weekend. Oh, where are we going? Well, Vegas, but… Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.

 Oh, where are we going? Well, Vegas, but… Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.

 Well, Vegas, but… Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you.

 Well, Vegas, but… Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you. That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited. Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.

 Ugh, Atlantic City without the taffy? No, thank you. That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited. Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.

 That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited. Well, now, well, that’s hurtful.

 That’s fine, ’cause actually you’re not invited. Well, now, well, that’s hurtful. Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there. I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.

 Well, now, well, that’s hurtful. Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there. I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.

 Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there. I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit.

 Oh, Sheldon, you don’t even like it there. I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit. Not this time. Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.

 I can consider a place America’s urinal cake and still enjoy the occasional visit. Not this time. Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.

 Not this time. Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz.

 Not this time. Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz. He’s coming, too. Well, then Raj and I will…

 Oh, fine. Then I’ll just hang out with Wolowitz. He’s coming, too. Well, then Raj and I will…

 He’s coming, too. Well, then Raj and I will… Nope. Very well. Stuart.

 Hi, Sheldon. What’s new? Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them. I said what’s new, but sure. Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?

 Our friends are jerks, and I’m mad at all of them. I said what’s new, but sure. Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?

 I said what’s new, but sure. Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me?

 I said what’s new, but sure. Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me? Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad? You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.

 Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn’t invite me? Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad? You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.

 Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad? You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.

 Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad? You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship. Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them. I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.

 You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship. Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them. I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.

 Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them. I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.

 Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them. I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio. Who else’s side could you have been on? I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?

 I can’t believe you’re not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio. Who else’s side could you have been on? I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?

 Who else’s side could you have been on? I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?

 Who else’s side could you have been on? I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold? Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them. Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.

 I don’t know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold? Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them. Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.

 Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them. Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip.

 Sheldon, I understand that you’re upset because you feel left out, but I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. Just apologize to them. Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip. Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on. I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.

 Fine, if that’s what it takes to go on their dumb trip. Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on. I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.

 Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on. I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him.

 Maybe you could try apologizing because you actually feel bad. It’s called empathy. It’s something you could work on. I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person. Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.

 I have empathy. Watch. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person. Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.

 Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person. Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat.

 Great. Now try it as if this isn’t your first day as a person. Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat. Glad I could help. Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.

 Fine. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. Hey, I felt a little something. Let me try again. Leonard made me soup, and I was mean to him. I was mean to him. He must have felt terrible. Oh, now I feel terrible. Neat. Glad I could help. Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.

 Glad I could help. Now let me see you feel bad for lying and staying in Detroit longer than you needed to.

 Ah, so like every other M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen, you spoil it in advance. Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry. Thank you. I appreciate that. I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.

 Hey, if you didn’t know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that’s not on me. Okay. Here it comes. You tried to take care of me when I was sick, and I was mean to you. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m truly sorry. Thank you. I appreciate that. I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip. Appreciate that, too. Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?

 I want you to know that that is sincere. I do feel bad. I’m not just saying it to be included on your trip. Appreciate that, too. Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?

 Appreciate that, too. Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face?

 Appreciate that, too. Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face? You’re still not coming. What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.

 Terrific. Now all that’s left is for you to invite me to come, me to ask are you sure, you to say absolutely, and then me to bring it home with, how could I say no to that face? You’re still not coming. What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.

 You’re still not coming. What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong.

 You’re still not coming. What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong. Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come. Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?

 What? I apologized and I meant it. I know that we don’t play this game very often, but you’re doing it wrong. Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come. Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?

 Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come. Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them?

 Sheldon, I accept your apology, but you upset a lot of people while you were sick. I’m not in a position to just say you can come. Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them? Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come. Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

 Well, all right. What if I apologize to all of them? Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come. Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

 Fine, if you apologize to everyone, they all say it’s okay, then yes, you can come. Challenge accepted. Sounds like it’s time for the Sheldon Cooper Apology Tour.

 Well, I hope it’s as much fun as the Sheldon Cooper Spell-Checks Local Menus Tour. My goodness, do you remember comes with apsparagus?

 Howard and Bernadette, you tried to comfort me when I was ill, and I treated you terribly. I’m sorry. Wow. I’m impressed. No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute. Apology accepted.

 Wow. I’m impressed. No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute. Apology accepted.

 No, no, no, wait. I’m not done. Allow me to underscore my sentiment with a haunting rendition of Brenda Lee’s I’m Sorry played on the pan flute. Apology accepted.

 Wonderful. would you mind holding up this shirt while I take a quick…? Leonard.

 Thank you, Sheldon. I appreciate that. And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas. What trip to Las Vegas? The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.

 And I want you to know that I mean it, you know? This isn’t me just wanting to go on the trip to Las Vegas. What trip to Las Vegas? The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.

 What trip to Las Vegas? The one everyone’s taking this weekend on the party bus.

 Of course, I wasn’t invited. That would be my understanding. On a less painful subject, what size T-shirt do you take?

 Well, I would imagine when your job is popping zits and squirting Botox into old lady faces… Okay, okay, the point is that we accept your apology. Uh, maybe you do. He just insulted me again. Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.

 Okay, okay, the point is that we accept your apology. Uh, maybe you do. He just insulted me again. Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.

 Uh, maybe you do. He just insulted me again. Yeah, but he doesn’t mean it.

 What are you doing? It’s called standing up for myself. You should try it some time. Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop. Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.

 It’s called standing up for myself. You should try it some time. Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop. Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.

 Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop. Oh, you want me to stop? No problem.

 Fine, how about this? You’re making me uncomfortable by prolonging this ridiculous fight, and I wish you’d stop. Oh, you want me to stop? No problem. No, come on, please don’t leave. Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…

 Oh, you want me to stop? No problem. No, come on, please don’t leave. Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…

 No, come on, please don’t leave. Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not…

 Point of clarification, are you still going on the trip? Because if not… Don’t worry, you’re good. I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.

 Don’t worry, you’re good. I caused that fight, I feel terrible. Wait, I can do that better. I caused that fight. I feel terrible. Yeah, wow, I don’t know which one I like more.

 You think they’ll still go on the trip? All I know is after the fight I went to Emily’s to smooth… They’re not going on the trip. No.

 All I know is after the fight I went to Emily’s to smooth… They’re not going on the trip. No.

 They’re not going on the trip. No. What is wrong with you? Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.

 No. What is wrong with you? Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.

 What is wrong with you? Look at him, caring about what’s wrong with me. That is some top-shelf empathy. Hey, well, we should start a club.

 That is true. Well, I suppose I should apologize again. No. Is she okay? Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.

 No. Is she okay? Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.

 Is she okay? Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.

 Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going.

 Is she okay? Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going. Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option. Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.

 Yeah, I calmed her down, but she’s not going to Vegas if he’s going. Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option. Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.

 Wait, that’s an option? I didn’t know that was an option. Well, that is fine, because I’ve decided that I won’t be joining you. I’ve realized that the most genuine way to demonstrate the remorse I feel is to let you have this weekend to yourselves.

 That Raj’ll be on it before we make it to the freeway? You know it. Oo-ah, oo-ah. This is so cool. Here’s some champagne.

 You know it. Oo-ah, oo-ah. This is so cool. Here’s some champagne.

 This is so cool. Here’s some champagne. Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of… Aha.

 Here’s some champagne. Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of… Aha.

 Mm-hmm. Well, I would like to propose a toast to a well-deserved weekend of… Aha.

 My plan was to jump out at the state line, but one of my nose plugs fell into the toilet. You couldn’t give us just one weekend? I told him this was a bad idea. What do we do, kick them off?

 You couldn’t give us just one weekend? I told him this was a bad idea. What do we do, kick them off?

 I told him this was a bad idea. What do we do, kick them off? If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked. Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.

 What do we do, kick them off? If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked. Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.

 If we drop them off at a fire station, they have to take them, no questions asked. Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily.

 Before you do, please give me one more chance to apologize to Emily. Oh, God. Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali. You know, Sheldon…

 Oh, God. Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali. You know, Sheldon…

 Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali. You know, Sheldon…

 Emily, as I’m sure you know, I’m considered an odd fellow. But what you don’t know is that, while I often say the wrong thing, in my heart I mean well. I think that you are a smart and wonderful woman, you know? And we all think that you can do better than Koothrappali. You know, Sheldon… Shh, let him finish. So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.

 You know, Sheldon… Shh, let him finish. So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.

 Shh, let him finish. So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry.

 Shh, let him finish. So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry. Thank you. Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.

 So, for all the times I’ve offended you and all the times that I’ll offend you in the future, I’m sorry. Thank you. Good. Then I’ll be leaving now.

 Thank you. Good. Then I’ll be leaving now. Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us. Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.

 Good. Then I’ll be leaving now. Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us. Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.

 Oh, it’s okay, Sheldon. Come with us. Oh, that’s very kind of you. But I’m sure you’ll all have a better time without me. Let’s go, Stuart.

 But I want to stay. Stuart, now. You know, I know he’s a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him. And now you see the problem.

 Stuart, now. You know, I know he’s a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him. And now you see the problem.

 You know, I know he’s a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him. And now you see the problem.

 Here’s a fun Postal fact. The inner side of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So, if you broke my right thumb, that’s Pasadena city police. But if you broke my left thumb, that’s the FBI. If I’m going to jail, I’m killing him, not breaking his thumb. Yeah. Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.

 If I’m going to jail, I’m killing him, not breaking his thumb. Yeah. Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this.

 Oh, I got a letter from my Meemaw. Umm. Smell this. What is that? Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder. Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

 What is that? Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder. Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

 Uh, roses, bengay, and Dr. Scholls’ foot powder. Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

 Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

 Ah, yeah, Grandma by Calvin Klein. You know, the last time I got a hand written letter it was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person. That someone has a name. Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth. Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.

 That someone has a name. Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth. Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.

 Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth. Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.

 Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears.

 Uh, thank you. Oh, Meemaw got a new set of teeth. Oh, but then she found her old ones. Oh, so now the new ones are just gonna be her church teeth. Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears. I park fine. Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!

 Fun. Like your Comic-Con Spock ears and your around the house Spock ears. I park fine. Oh, my goodness, she’s coming to visit!

 Oh, it’ll be nice to finally meet her. Oh, you are going to love her. She is the kindest, sweetest woman you’ll ever meet. Unless you’re a gopher digging up her vegetable garden. In that case, you can expect to have your head bashed in with a shovel.

 Really? The old Asian man is not your Meemaw? And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is. Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology. Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.

 And that’s not helpful. You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I’ll see where she is. Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology. Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.

 Oh, that’s nice. Most people her age don’t embrace technology. Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.

 Oh, no, she doesn’t even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle. Same as when we lost you at the zoo. Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart. Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.

 Same as when we lost you at the zoo. Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart. Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.

 Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart. Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.

 Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn’t find the cart. Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider. Moon Pie. Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.

 Still doesn’t explain how you ended up on the freeway divider. Moon Pie. Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you.

 Meemaw. I’m so happy to see you. I’m so happy to see you, too. Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw. Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.

 I’m so happy to see you, too. Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw. Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.

 Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw. Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.

 Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw.

 Oh. You got even smaller. I love it. Uh, Meemaw, this is Leonard. Leonard, this is my Meemaw. Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw. Thank you. No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.

 Hi. So nice to finally meet you. Let me take this for you, Meemaw. Thank you. No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.

 Thank you. No. Oh, no. Now you call her Constance. I call her Meemaw. You have your own Meemaw. It’s not my fault she died when you were four.

 You should’ve seen us after The Good Dinosaur. It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.

 It was a classic western set in the post-Jurassic period, and it changed my life.

 Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. How was your trip? Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.

 Nice to meet you, too. How was your trip? Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.

 How was your trip? Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.

 Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch.

 Wonderful. And the pilot did such a good job, I gave him a butterscotch. That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there. Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her. Can I have a tissue?

 That’s great. And look at you, sitting in Sheldon’s spot. You know, I don’t even get to sit there. Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her. Can I have a tissue?

 Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her. Can I have a tissue?

 Yeah. And you never will. Ooh, hey, oh, ask her to do the tissue thing. Do it, ask her. Can I have a tissue? Of course. Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.

 Can I have a tissue? Of course. Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man.

 Of course. Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man. He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means. Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.

 Isn’t that the best? She’s like Grandma Spider-Man. He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means. Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.

 He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means. Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready.

 He’s been saying that since he was little. I still don’t know what it means. Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready. Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents. If I did, would I find any?

 Oh, well, you two sit down and get to know each other. I’ll get your room ready. Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents. If I did, would I find any?

 Oh, now don’t you go looking through my suitcase for presents. If I did, would I find any?

 Okay, now let’s you and me get something straight. He may think that I came to bake him cookies, but the real reason is to size you up. S, s, si, size me up? Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy. Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.

 S, s, si, size me up? Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy. Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.

 Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy. Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me.

 Sheldon’s mother may be okay with you, but I’m not so easy. Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me. Oh, you better hope so. A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.

 Well, I, I’m, I’m sure you’ll like me once you get to know me. Oh, you better hope so. A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.

 Oh, you better hope so. A Texas Special cattle and calf car train set with authentic horn and bell. Thank you, Meemaw.

 Really? You don’t think she’s attractive? I do. I just wouldn’t tell my girlfriend.

 Here you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like, a lot in a glass. Thank you, Moon Pie. I’m curious. Why do you call Sheldon Moon Pie? ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.

 Thank you, Moon Pie. I’m curious. Why do you call Sheldon Moon Pie? ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.

 I’m curious. Why do you call Sheldon Moon Pie? ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy.

 ‘Cause he’s so nummy-nummy. She could just eat him up. And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her. It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.

 She could just eat him up. And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her. It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.

 And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her. It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.

 It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t.

 And I call her Meemaw because, well, just, well, look at her. It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t. Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar. How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.

 It’s interesting that Leonard and Penny know about his nickname and you don’t. Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar. How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.

 Oh, well, you know, now, now that I’m hearing it, it does sound familiar. How could it? I never told you, and you never bothered to ask.

 Look, I, I get that you’re protective of your grandson, but he’s an adult now. Maybe I understand what he needs better than you do. I appreciate your honesty, dear. Thank you. And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.

 I appreciate your honesty, dear. Thank you. And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.

 Thank you. And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much.

 Thank you. And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much. Well, maybe I don’t like you either. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.

 And here’s some more honesty. I don’t like you very much. Well, maybe I don’t like you either. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.

 Well, maybe I don’t like you either. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like each other. Well, we have a 4:30 reservation at Applebee’s.

 Let her go. And under no circumstance will you give her that engagement ring. What ring? Maybe we should give them some privacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.

 What ring? Maybe we should give them some privacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.

 Maybe we should give them some privacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.

 You have an engagement ring? Yes. Penny, did you know about this? All right, let’s go.

 All right, let’s go. When did you get an engagement ring? My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up. Well, thank goodness for that.

 When did you get an engagement ring? My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up. Well, thank goodness for that.

 My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up. Well, thank goodness for that.

 My mother gave it to me, and I had been thinking about giving it to you, but then we broke up. Well, thank goodness for that. Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this? Oh, I don’t think I could do that.

 Well, thank goodness for that. Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this? Oh, I don’t think I could do that.

 Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this? Oh, I don’t think I could do that.

 Sheldon, will you please tell your grandmother to stay out of this? Oh, I don’t think I could do that. Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger. I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.

 Oh, I don’t think I could do that. Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger. I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.

 Sheldon, tell this girl that my ring will never be on her finger. I’m gonna opt out of that one, too.

 I’m gonna opt out of that one, too. Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs. All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced? You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.

 Who said I even want to be engaged to him? And if I do, I, I don’t need your hand-me-downs. All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced? You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.

 All right, all right, look, l, let’s all, let’s remain calm and analyse this situation. Now, I realize that you’ve only known each other for less than a day, but is it possible this crankiness is because your cycles have synced? You leave the room and let the grown-ups talk. Now.

 Me, too. And I think you’re even more beautiful than this rose.

 Did it? Yeah, right in there. She ate it and everything. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Come in.

 Yeah, right in there. She ate it and everything. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Come in.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Come in.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard and Penny. Come in. Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone? No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.

 Come in. Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone? No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.

 Hey. What happened? Is Amy gone? No. They asked me to leave so they could speak privately.

 Really? There were days I wanted to fill his pockets with corn and toss him in the pigpen. Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time? Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.

 There were days I wanted to fill his pockets with corn and toss him in the pigpen. Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time? Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.

 Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time? Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.

 Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again.

 Well, if you understand, then why are you giving me such a hard time? Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again. Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you. No, I wouldn’t.

 Because when you broke up with Sheldon, it hurt him deeply, and I don’t want to see that happen again. Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you. No, I wouldn’t.

 Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you. No, I wouldn’t.

 Hi. Sorry. Sheldon would like to say something to you. No, I wouldn’t. Just get in here. Hello.

 Just get in here. Hello. Go ahead. Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.

 Hello. Go ahead. Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.

 Go ahead. Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you.

 Go ahead. Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you. Oh, Sheldon, thank you. Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.

 Meemaw, look, I’m sorry, but I have to defend my girlfriend to you. Oh, Sheldon, thank you. Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.

 Oh, Sheldon, thank you. Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person.

 Oh, great, now you’re gonna get emotional. I always looked up to you and Pop-Pop. I, I know what a challenging man he could be, but I saw you stand by him and-and make him into a better person. I did. Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress. He never disappoints, does he?

 I did. Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress. He never disappoints, does he?

 Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress. He never disappoints, does he?

 Yeah, well, that is exactly what I’ve been doing the last five years with this little work in progress. He never disappoints, does he? I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right? Well…

 He never disappoints, does he? I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right? Well…

 I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right? Well…

 I think what Sheldon means to say is we’ve both grown together. Isn’t that right? Well… Say yes. Yes.

 Yes. Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way. Thank you. So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?

 Fine. If you feel so strongly, I won’t stand in your way. Thank you. So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?

 Thank you. So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?

 So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?

 Hey. Hello. If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric. Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.

 Hello. If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric. Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.

 If any of you are looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day, Amy and I’ll be streaming our first-ever live episode of Fun With Flags. You’re welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric. Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.

 Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time, no.

 You’ve been talking about breaking up with Emily forever. Why don’t you just do it already? Yeah, just get it over with. Well, you say it like it’s easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone? No.

 Yeah, just get it over with. Well, you say it like it’s easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone? No.

 Well, you say it like it’s easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone? No.

 Okay, and we are live in 22 minutes. I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day. People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around. Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.

 I’m nervous. I hope people will be around to watch even though it’s Valentine’s Day. People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around. Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.

 People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around. Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight.

 People who are fans of an Internet show about flags? Trust me, they’re around. Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight. What do you mean? Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.

 Oh, and speaking of Valentine’s Day, I haven’t forgotten about you tonight. What do you mean? Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.

 What do you mean? Well, you’ve become such an integral part of my life as well as this show, I felt it only right to include your name in the title.

 Okay, we are live in five, four, three, oh, wait, oh shoot, I already pushed the button. Never mind, we’re live. Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper… And Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present… Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.

 Uh, hello and welcome to a special live edition of Dr. Sheldon Cooper… And Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present… Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.

 And Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present… Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags.

 And Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present… Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags. Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers. It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.

 Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s Fun With Flags. Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers. It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.

 Consider tonight’s episode a Valentine’s Day gift for you, our viewers. It’s also my gift to you. That was clear, right? ‘Cause you’re not getting anything else.

 No, I just blink a lot, it’s not Morse code for rescue me. Oh, uh, ok, uh, here’s our first call. Hello, and welcome to Fun With Flags. What’s your question? What is wrong with me? Why am I so self-destructive? Rajesh? Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?

 What is wrong with me? Why am I so self-destructive? Rajesh? Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?

 Rajesh? Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?

 Yes. Whenever things are going well, I always find a way to ruin it. You two look happy, how do you do it?

 Rajesh, it’s perfectly normal to have doubts after breaking up with someone. You really think so? Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you. Your friend is hurting.

 You really think so? Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you. Your friend is hurting.

 Yeah, you know what’s not normal? Blubbering about emotions during a flag show. Unless that emotion is excitement over New Zealand changing their flag. Yeah, good luck, you crazy Kiwis, we’re rooting for you. Your friend is hurting.

 I suppose that could be a legitimate concern in a relationship. Uh, perhaps even a, a red flag. And speaking of red flags, check out this sexy number from the former Soviet Union. Hubba, hubba. Oh. Uh, we-we have another caller. Hi. You’re on Fun with Flags. Hewwo. I want to talk about how wonewy I am, too. Kripke? Is that you?

 Oh. Uh, we-we have another caller. Hi. You’re on Fun with Flags. Hewwo. I want to talk about how wonewy I am, too. Kripke? Is that you?

 Hewwo. I want to talk about how wonewy I am, too. Kripke? Is that you?

 Hewwo. I want to talk about how wonewy I am, too. Kripke? Is that you? Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties. Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.

 Kripke? Is that you? Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties. Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.

 Yeah, I’m just sitting here all by myself wondering if I’w ever find someone to share my wife with. Pwefewabwy Asian, 18-24, no fatties. Please, all comments and questions should be flag-related.

 Well, maybe not, but some day we actually will be old, and we’ll look back on this night and remember what a good time we had. Okay, like what? I know. Food fight. I’ll keep thinking.

 No, when I sat on the mute button and thought I’d gone deaf, that was my hypochondria. We’ll find another time to tell him I’m pregnant.

 I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever broken up with someone. I just, I didn’t realize it was gonna hurt this much. It really can. All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with. I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.

 It really can. All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with. I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.

 All right. Nothing about this is fun. No one wants to talk about flags, and I haven’t spoken in over ten minutes, so, enjoy your new show, Internet. Dr. Amy Farrah Flower present with. I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now.

 I’m sorry for bothering you. I’ll hang up now. No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard. Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us. Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.

 No, hold on, Rajesh. You know, you’re not being very sympathetic. You know first hand that breakups are hard. Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us. Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.

 Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us. Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.

 Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius.

 Fine. If you insist on making me a part of this, yes, I knowledge how painful they can be. However, pain has an evolutionary purpose. It provides information from the environment that, uh, behaviour isn’t good for us. Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius. I’m just gonna push all the buttons. Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.

 Wike when I feww in wove with that stwipper and bought her a Pwius. I’m just gonna push all the buttons. Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.

 I’m just gonna push all the buttons. Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it.

 I’m just gonna push all the buttons. Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it. Really? Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.

 Raj, now, I’m sorry you’re suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I’m grateful for having gone through it. Really? Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.

 Really? Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.

 Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever. So do I. When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they… Happy Valentine’s Day!

 So do I. When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they… Happy Valentine’s Day!

 When, when we were apart, I learned how important you are to me. And I realize that when two people are in love, sometimes they… Happy Valentine’s Day!

 And a lovely Valentine’s Day. Cleaning up is not young and fun. It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this. Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?

 Cleaning up is not young and fun. It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this. Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?

 It can be. Confetti fight. Maybe you should take a break. I got this. Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?

 Are we in a good school district? You’re Catholic, I’m Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it’s barbaric, but if we don’t, it looks like a pig in a blanket. Calm down, it’s gonna be okay. How’s it gonna be okay? Look at me, I’m a mess. And that means this baby’s gonna be half a mess. And that’s even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

 Calm down, it’s gonna be okay. How’s it gonna be okay? Look at me, I’m a mess. And that means this baby’s gonna be half a mess. And that’s even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

 How’s it gonna be okay? Look at me, I’m a mess. And that means this baby’s gonna be half a mess. And that’s even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

 Hey, Raj, I read a couple of guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system? Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it? Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays. Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.

 Oh, I heard about that. Why didn’t you discover it? Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays. Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.

 Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys home made jam for the holidays. Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry.

 If it’s thank you for the home made jam you got in December, congratulations, you’re the first one. What’s going on? I’m, uh, uh, gonna be a father. What? Congratulations.

 What’s going on? I’m, uh, uh, gonna be a father. What? Congratulations.

 I’m, uh, uh, gonna be a father. What? Congratulations. That’s so amazing. Oh, no.

 That’s so amazing. Oh, no. Why oh, no? Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

 Oh, no. Why oh, no? Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

 Why oh, no? Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

 Why oh, no? Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around? Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group. Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?

 Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around? Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group. Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?

 Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group. Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too?

 Relax, there’s room for two babies in this group. Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too? You’re the other baby. Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?

 Oh, dear lord, Penny’s pregnant, too? You’re the other baby. Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?

 You’re the other baby. Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?

 You’re probably right. After we talked about it, he started to calm down.

 I shouldn’t be raising a kid. I don’t even eat my own vegetables. Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting. And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me? Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.

 Buddy, I, I think you might be overreacting. And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me? Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.

 And then there’s this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse, what if she looks like me? Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything’s going to change. Howard won’t be able to come over as much.

 I wasn’t joking. It’ll be fine. People have kids every day. You’ll figure this out. Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it. You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.

 It’ll be fine. People have kids every day. You’ll figure this out. Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it. You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.

 Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it. You’re right, it is, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.

 And can keep a small portion of their heads dry. If I’m gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money. There’s no reason you can’t. That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.

 If I’m gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money. There’s no reason you can’t. That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.

 There’s no reason you can’t. That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.

 That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.

 There’s no reason you can’t. That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model. That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it. Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.

 That’s easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model. That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it. Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.

 That’s just research. We’re never gonna make any money from it. Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. Reminds me of my daddy’s secret don’t tell mama juice.

 How is that a new invention? I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them. It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad. This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?

 I don’t know, all Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them. It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad. This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?

 It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad. This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before?

 It’s true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad. This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before? The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You. That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?

 This place is terrific. Why. why have we never been here before? The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You. That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?

 The same reason we don’t do a lot of fun stuff. You. That’s some smart talk from a guy who can’t even keep his face in focus. Where’s the bathroom?

 And since it’s in a quantum state, it would maintain an infinite persistence. Groundbreaking revelations, tropical drinks. Tell me this isn’t like the best episode of Sex and the City. You may have actually just come up with something. You think so?

 Groundbreaking revelations, tropical drinks. Tell me this isn’t like the best episode of Sex and the City. You may have actually just come up with something. You think so?

 You may have actually just come up with something. You think so?

 I’m not seeing anyone using liquid helium vortices like this. I’m not finding anything either. It’s a good sign. Oh, wait, I found something.

 I’m not finding anything either. It’s a good sign. Oh, wait, I found something.

 It’s a good sign. Oh, wait, I found something. Damn. What is it? This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

 Oh, wait, I found something. Damn. What is it? This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

 Damn. What is it? This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

 Damn. What is it? This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared. Can you focus on what we’re talking about? All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.

 This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared. Can you focus on what we’re talking about? All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.

 Can you focus on what we’re talking about? All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.

 Can you focus on what we’re talking about? All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible. Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us. And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?

 All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible. Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us. And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?

 Even drunk, he’s still smarter than all of us. And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender?

 Nah, she’s a good kid. If this is a viable thing, we could get a patent and license it to companies that make guidance systems. Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up. I’m telling you, you got this.

 If this is a viable thing, we could get a patent and license it to companies that make guidance systems. Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up. I’m telling you, you got this.

 Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up. I’m telling you, you got this.

 Look at that. You’ve known you’re gonna be a father for less than a day and you’re already stepping up. I’m telling you, you got this. Maybe you’re right. Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.

 I’m telling you, you got this. Maybe you’re right. Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.

 Maybe you’re right. Of course he’s right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That’s why I’m confident you’re gonna be the best dad you can be.

 Just bust a move, You want it, you got it, oh, you want it, baby you got it Hey, guys. Congratulations. Thank you.

 You want it, you got it, oh, you want it, baby you got it Hey, guys. Congratulations. Thank you.

 Hi. How are you doing? Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it. I’m really glad you’re here. Can we talk? Sure.

 Wonderful. I’m being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it. I’m really glad you’re here. Can we talk? Sure.

 Oh. That was really an asthma attack. I just sold it. Well, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette. Me, too. So, you ever think about it? Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?

 Well, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette. Me, too. So, you ever think about it? Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?

 Me, too. So, you ever think about it? Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?

 Babies? Well, I’m not in a rush but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?

 Will you guys keep it down? On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.

 Surprise. Oh, my God. Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you. I’m sorry I brought it up.

 Oh, my God. Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you. I’m sorry I brought it up.

 Just one example of how birthdays can be terrible. Now, can we please drop this subject and pick a new one? I suggest how thick can a soup get before it becomes a stew? You know, the answer, it may surprise you. I’m sorry I brought it up.

 Yeah, what is the problem? Is it about getting older? Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink. But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you. One day. Right.

 Please, look at this porcelain skin. I’m like a human sink. But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you. One day. Right.

 But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you. One day. Right.

 But it’s the one day a year that’s just all about you. One day. Right. Can you please just tell me why? Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

 One day. Right. Can you please just tell me why? Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

 Can you please just tell me why? Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me.

 Can you please just tell me why? Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me. I’m sorry. Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

 Fine. As you know, I have a twin sister with whom I obviously share a birthday. Every year we’d have a party. No one I invited would ever come, because they didn’t like me. I’m sorry. Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

 I’m sorry. Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends.

 I’m sorry. Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends. Oh, poor thing. When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

 Oh, that part wasn’t so bad. I didn’t like them, either. But then I’d inevitably spend the whole day being tortured by my sister’s friends. Oh, poor thing. When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

 Oh, poor thing. When I was six, they told me Batman was coming to my party. I waited by the door for hours. Closest thing to Batman I saw was when a robin flew into the window.

 I do, but why do you care if I celebrate my birthday at all? Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favour. You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come. And we live here, so we have no choice.

 Well, you made my last birthday so memorable, I wanted to return the favour. You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come. And we live here, so we have no choice.

 You know, if you had a party now, you have plenty of friends that would love to come. And we live here, so we have no choice.

 Sure, uh, but just so you know, he’s kind of a diva. He is? Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.

 He is? Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.

 Oh, yeah. Won’t take the bus. He won’t pack his own lunch. Won’t let you spend the night on his couch.

 Uh, Mylar balloons, yes. Latex balloons, no. Water balloons, I will jump off the roof and aim for your car. All right, what about music? I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing. No music it is.

 All right, what about music? I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing. No music it is.

 I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat singing. No music it is.

 Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated. But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong? Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit. Oh. Thank you.

 But who’s gonna tell them they’re doing it wrong? Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit. Oh. Thank you.

 Well, I’m, I’m sure they’ll ask you to give a speech, and that’s when you just tear ’em a new one. Have to say, you, you do look good in that suit. Oh. Thank you.

 Oh, I wouldn’t call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother. You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn’t invite her. And I never did thank you for that, dear.

 You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn’t invite her. And I never did thank you for that, dear.

 Oh. Penny says everyone’s there. Are you ready? I am. Oh. Wait. Are you all right? No, I just, I got a little light-headed.

 I am. Oh. Wait. Are you all right? No, I just, I got a little light-headed.

 Oh, do you need a minute? No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this. Happy birthday! Speech! Speech!

 No. No, if I can walk past that pet shop with the parrot in the window, I suppose I can do this. Happy birthday! Speech! Speech!

 Speech! Speech! Come on, Sheldon, say something. Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason. Batman finally came to your party.

 Come on, Sheldon, say something. Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason. Batman finally came to your party.

 Uh, um, uh, thank you all so much for coming. Beverly. Wil Wheaton. Adam West, for some reason. Batman finally came to your party.

 Well, I’ve, you know, seen him without pants on. Again, no offence, but so have I. Well, he’s seen me without pants on. Again, no…

 Again, no offence, but so have I. Well, he’s seen me without pants on. Again, no…

 Well, he’s seen me without pants on. Again, no… Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in? How do you know I’m not using the facilities?

 Again, no… Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in? How do you know I’m not using the facilities?

 Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in? How do you know I’m not using the facilities?

 Okay, this is ridiculous. (Knocking) Sheldon? Can I come in? How do you know I’m not using the facilities? Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on? I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

 How do you know I’m not using the facilities? Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on? I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

 Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on? I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much.

 Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I’ve clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times. So, what’s going on? I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much. I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever. I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

 I don’t know. I looked around the room, and I saw all the faces and the presents, and it, it was just too much. I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever. I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

 I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever. I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it.

 I get that. Hey, you want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It’ll be like the weirdest Comic-Con ever. I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it. Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it. I don’t think I can go back out there.

 I know that you worked hard to put this together. I’m sorry I’m ruining it. Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it. I don’t think I can go back out there.

 Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it. I don’t think I can go back out there.

 Oh, pl, you’re not ruining it. Look, at some point, Raj will try to get everyone to do the Electric Slide. Now, that will ruin it. I don’t think I can go back out there. That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too. Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.

 I don’t think I can go back out there. That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too. Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.

 That’s fine. You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is, if I was there, I would have tortured you, too. Based on this pep talk, I’d say you’re still doing it.

 Yeah, uh, um, Penny and I got married. Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you’d be living with Sheldon forever. Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger. Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

 Wow, congratulations. You know, actually, I thought you’d be living with Sheldon forever. Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger. Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

 Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger. Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

 Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay?

 Yeah, well, don’t be a stranger. Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay? What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack. Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

 Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he’s a little embarrassed, so let’s all be extra nice, okay? What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack. Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

 What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack. Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand.

 What are you wooking at me for? I’m a saint. But a sinner in the sack. Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand. If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born. Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

 Hello, everyone. I, I’d like to apologize for my behaviour. I hope it hasn’t put a damper on the party. So, please, enjoy yourselves. Oh, this is quickly getting out of hand. If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born. Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

 If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born. Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

 If I may, I, I’d like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it’s customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born. Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me. Sheldon, I don’t think everyone… Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.

 Aw, Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let’s do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me. Sheldon, I don’t think everyone… Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.

 Sheldon, I don’t think everyone… Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz.

 Sheldon, I don’t think everyone… Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz. Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend. Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

 Wolowitz, perfect. Everyone listen to Wolowitz. Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend. Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

 Okay, then, uh, Sheldon, we’ve known each other a long time. And it is a pleasure to work with you and call you my friend. Little generic. Keep thinking. We’ll circle back. Wil Wheaton, go.

 Sheldon, I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can’t wait to see what they are. Happy birthday, dear. Someone caw Animal Contwol. There’s a cougar on the woose. Barry, stop. Seriously, Barry, stop.

 Someone caw Animal Contwol. There’s a cougar on the woose. Barry, stop. Seriously, Barry, stop.

 Barry, stop. Seriously, Barry, stop. And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

 Seriously, Barry, stop. And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

 And it was Gandhi who said, live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. And it was Sheldon Cooper who said let’s speed this up. A lot of people want to talk.

 Uh, in the past, I would’ve said something obnoxious, like, happy birthday, dumbass. But I’m not gonna do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it’s just so nice to see you all again. So, happy birthday, Sheldon. Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it. Happy birthday, dumbass. Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

 Oh. Oh, now, you know I hate change. Say it. Happy birthday, dumbass. Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

 Happy birthday, dumbass. Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

 Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs…

 Happy birthday, young man. And if any of you have enjoyed seeing me here today, I’m also available for Comic-Cons, bachelor parties, bar mitzvahs… I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon. Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect. What? You gotta be kidding me?

 I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t already been said, so, here’s to you, Sheldon. Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect. What? You gotta be kidding me?

 Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect. What? You gotta be kidding me?

 Thank you, Bernadette. That was perfect. What? You gotta be kidding me? Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother. Thank you.

 What? You gotta be kidding me? Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother. Thank you.

 Sheldon, we’ve been together so long, it’s hard to remember a time you weren’t in my life. And believe me, I try. You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You’re more than just my roommate, you’re my brother. Thank you.

 Oh, oh, okay. Um, uh, Sheldon, I’ve spent most of my life feeling invisible, but having you and everyone… Hey, everybody, listen up. You nailed it. We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

 Hey, everybody, listen up. You nailed it. We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

 You nailed it. We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

 We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

 You nailed it. We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Hello, Sheldon. Professor Hawking.

 We’ve got someone who couldn’t be here but really wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Hello, Sheldon. Professor Hawking.

 Hello, Sheldon. Professor Hawking. Happy birthday to you. Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…

 Professor Hawking. Happy birthday to you. Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…

 Happy birthday to you. Thank you so much. I can’t believe you’re…

 Oh, you’re singing. Well, I’m sorry. Happy birthday, dear Sheldon. Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together. I was crushing it, but all right.

 Happy birthday, dear Sheldon. Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together. I was crushing it, but all right.

 Uh, Professor Hawking, if you just give us one second, we’ll light the candles, and we can all sing together. I was crushing it, but all right.

 And a one, and a two… Happy birthday to you, So, who’s taking me home?

 Yeah, well, you’re an engineer. End of joke, burn. Come on in, fellas. See, he’s not wearing a tie. Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

 Come on in, fellas. See, he’s not wearing a tie. Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

 See, he’s not wearing a tie. Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

 So what happens next? Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap. Oh, I don’t think there will be. Yeah, we did our own search.

 Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap. Oh, I don’t think there will be. Yeah, we did our own search.

 Can you imagine if we make money with this? If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy. That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose. Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.

 If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy. That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose. Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.

 That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose. Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.

 Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.

 That old sad story, guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose. Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent. Seventy-five percent? That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?

 Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent. Seventy-five percent? That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?

 Seventy-five percent? That’s outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?

 Dr. Hofstadter, this university has been paying your salaries for over ten years. Did you think we do that out of the goodness of our hearts? Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda. And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I’m afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you’re not entitled to an ownership share. Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?

 Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda. And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I’m afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you’re not entitled to an ownership share. Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?

 And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I’m afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you’re not entitled to an ownership share. Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?

 Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?

 Well, sometimes they give you a plaque. Well, that’s not fair. We should all get plaques. Sorry, but we can’t sign this. Come on, let’s go.

 Well, that’s not fair. We should all get plaques. Sorry, but we can’t sign this. Come on, let’s go.

 You know, I have too much self-esteem to let this girl guilt me into getting back together with her. You don’t need to be pregnant to smell that load of crap.

 We can’t. It says on their Web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with. Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists. Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don’t do it at all. Either way, I get nothing.

 Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says Dumb as a Bag of Geologists. Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don’t do it at all. Either way, I get nothing.

 Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don’t do it at all. Either way, I get nothing.

 Either way, I get nothing. Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you. To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs. I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?

 Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you. To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs. I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?

 To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs. I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?

 I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that?

 To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs. Oh, now they own the mugs. I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that? Of course, we can split any profits three ways. I’m fine with that.

 I guess that is a way around this. You guys would be cool doing it like that? Of course, we can split any profits three ways. I’m fine with that.

 Of course, we can split any profits three ways. I’m fine with that.

 Of course, we can split any profits three ways. I’m fine with that. Okay, great. It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.

 I’m fine with that. Okay, great. It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.

 Okay, great. It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order. Sure, we could write something up. But which one of us should be the party who…

 It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order. Sure, we could write something up. But which one of us should be the party who…

 Sure, we could write something up. But which one of us should be the party who…

 I’m a little tired, Howie. You ready to go? Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract. What is it? Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.

 Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract. What is it? Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.

 What is it? Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.

 Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.

 Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we’re forming a partnership to split anything we make equally. Sheldon, did you draft the contract? You bet I did. Ooh. You’re gonna make out so hard tonight.

 Sheldon, did you draft the contract? You bet I did. Ooh. You’re gonna make out so hard tonight.

 Honey, this is fine. If you want to sign a contract that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead. Can I talk to you in the hall? Sure.

 If you want to sign a contract that Sheldon whipped up, go ahead. Can I talk to you in the hall? Sure.

 Excuse us. Hey, Leonard. What? If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.

 Hey, Leonard. What? If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.

 What? If she doesn’t think that we should apply for this patent, she’s being patently absurd.

 I’m a girl. It’s, like, page one out of the playbook. Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?

 They’ve been out there a while. I hope everything’s okay. I wonder what they’re talking about. If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

 I hope everything’s okay. I wonder what they’re talking about. If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

 I wonder what they’re talking about. If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

 If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

 If you guys would shut up, I could tell you. Oh. Be cool, be cool, be cool. Hey. Hello. You guys all right?

 Hello. You guys all right? Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership. Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.

 You guys all right? Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership. Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.

 Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership. Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming.

 Yeah. But, um, we were talking, and I’m a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership. Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming. Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me. Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.

 Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? ‘Cause I did not L-L-see that coming. Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me. Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.

 Sheldon, my concern is not with the money or anything. It’s, it’s with how you treat me. Well, I believe I’m treating you generously. That’s why I’ve stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.

 See? This is what happens every time we work together. You know what, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful? What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about? No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.

 You know what, hang on. What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful? What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about? No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.

 What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about? No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.

 No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard.

 What? Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don’t know about? No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard. How would you enforce it? Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.

 No. What I’m saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can’t make fun of Howard. How would you enforce it? Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.

 How would you enforce it? Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.

 Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics. And his obsessive-compulsive disorder. Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot. Howard, what do you think?

 And his obsessive-compulsive disorder. Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot. Howard, what do you think?

 Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow’s on my spot. Howard, what do you think?

 The, the revisions I made start on page four. Wow. That is a lot of whereupons. You should see the Valentine’s Day card he gave me. Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.

 Wow. That is a lot of whereupons. You should see the Valentine’s Day card he gave me. Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.

 You should see the Valentine’s Day card he gave me. Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.

 Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad.

 You should see the Valentine’s Day card he gave me. Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad. Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too. Do you still like cilantro?

 Article three, as it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, not that bad. Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too. Do you still like cilantro?

 Hang on. Maybe there should be a no insult clause about me, too. Do you still like cilantro?

 Sheldon, what did you do? I should’ve known. 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice. That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.

 I should’ve known. 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice. That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.

 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice. That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap.

 25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz. Sheldon, that’s so nice. That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap. That’s very generous, Sheldon. Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.

 That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from baby Gap. That’s very generous, Sheldon. Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.

 That’s very generous, Sheldon. Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions.

 That’s very generous, Sheldon. Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions. I appreciate that. And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.

 Oh, I’ve always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I’ve been of your contributions. I appreciate that. And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.

 I appreciate that. And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.

 As a matter of fact, I do. I’m gonna comfort her, because I’m a caring and decent friend who’s happy to be there when she needs someone to talk to.

 I didn’t understand your e-mail. Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up. I didn’t understand your e-mail. Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

 Uh, can you repeat that? You’re breaking up. I didn’t understand your e-mail. Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

 I didn’t understand your e-mail. Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.

 I didn’t understand your e-mail. Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working. Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow? So, is that a yes?

 Ah. Yeah, I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working. Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow? So, is that a yes?

 Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow? So, is that a yes?

 Deaw Aby, could you pleathe dwive be to the twain thtow thubtibe tobowow? So, is that a yes? Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date. Oh, but I like this computer.

 So, is that a yes? Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date. Oh, but I like this computer.

 Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date. Oh, but I like this computer.

 Sheldon, why don’t you get a new computer? You know that one’s out-of-date. Oh, but I like this computer. The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

 Oh, but I like this computer. The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

 The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.

 The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

 I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

 The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing.

 The video is failing, and the sound is cutting out. The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing. Get a new computer. What?

 The sound is cutting out. I can’t read that. The video is failing. Get a new computer. What?

 While we finish soldering these boards, it’d be great if you guys could wrap these pipe fittings with Teflon tape. I’ll show you how to do one. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.

 I’ll show you how to do one. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.

 Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if after all your years of hard work, I’m the one who makes a scientific breakthrough? He doesn’t think that’s funny.

 I got here as quickly as I could. You’re too late. Sheldon, this is silly. You got emotional when that lab monkey died.

 You’re too late. Sheldon, this is silly. You got emotional when that lab monkey died.

 Sheldon, this is silly. You got emotional when that lab monkey died.

 Sheldon, this is silly. You got emotional when that lab monkey died. That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language. Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.

 You got emotional when that lab monkey died. That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language. Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.

 That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language. Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day.

 That lab monkey told me he loved me in sign language. Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day. Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer. How could you do that?

 Great. Now I’m gonna have that song in my head all day. Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer. How could you do that?

 Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer. How could you do that?

 Look, I’m, I’m sorry for your loss, but I think I have something that might make you feel better. I got you a new computer. How could you do that? Do what? Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

 How could you do that? Do what? Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

 Do what? Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today?

 Do what? Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today? Well, the guy at the store said this one is great. Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

 Choosing a new laptop Is an incredibly personal ritual. You have taken away weeks of agonizing thought, tedious research, sleepless nights filled with indecision. I, haven’t I lost enough today? Well, the guy at the store said this one is great. Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

 Well, the guy at the store said this one is great. Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port?

 Well, the guy at the store said this one is great. Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port? Yes. Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

 Oh, oh, the guy. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you’d spoken to the guy. Yeah, tell me, did the guy choose one with a 4K display and a Thunderbolt port? Yes. Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

 Yes. Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive?

 Yes. Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive? Yes. Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

 Yeah? Did the guy make sure that this has a one terabyte solid-state drive? Yes. Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

 Yes. Yeah? Oh, well, was this guy Rick from Computer Solutions on Colorado?

 Okay. We’ll be back as soon as we can. Okay, so what is solder?

 Knock it off or I’ll start making W-H sounds for words that just have a W. You wouldn’t. Whatch me. Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

 You wouldn’t. Whatch me. Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

 Whatch me. Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast.

 Whatch me. Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast. I thought you might like it. Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

 Fine. I’m sorry. Thank you for the thoughtful gift. I really do appreciate it. As you know, I had become attached to my old laptop. But I’m sure, in time, that this one will… Jeepers creepers, that started up fast. I thought you might like it. Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

 I thought you might like it. Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs.

 I thought you might like it. Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs. Or you could just look into my eyes. But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.

 Look at the 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I’m gonna count all those nostril hairs. Or you could just look into my eyes. But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.

 Or you could just look into my eyes. But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs.

 Or you could just look into my eyes. But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs. Well, you know, as long as you’re happy. Oh. I am.

 But you only have two eyes. You got a lot of nostril hairs. Well, you know, as long as you’re happy. Oh. I am.

 Well, you know, as long as you’re happy. Oh. I am. And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it. Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.

 Oh. I am. And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it. Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.

 And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it. Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you.

 And Rick said you could bring in your old one to recycle it. Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you. Oh, but he said you can get store credit. Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

 Oh. Uh, no, no, no, thank you. Oh, but he said you can get store credit. Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

 Oh, but he said you can get store credit. Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit.

 Oh, but he said you can get store credit. Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit. But why wouldn’t… Can we please change the subject?

 Well, no, I just, I, I don’t want to recycle it. And I don’t want store credit. But why wouldn’t… Can we please change the subject?

 But why wouldn’t… Can we please change the subject? Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this? I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.

 Can we please change the subject? Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this? I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.

 Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this? I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain.

 Okay. How ’bout we change it to why you’re being weird about this? I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain. Sheldon, just tell me. It might be easier to show you.

 I’m not being weird. I, it’s hard to explain. Sheldon, just tell me. It might be easier to show you.

 Sheldon, just tell me. It might be easier to show you. Okay. We’d have to take your car.

 It might be easier to show you. Okay. We’d have to take your car.

 Okay. That’s cool. I guess everybody’s involved in this project but me. So, see ya. I feel bad. Should we have asked him to stay? Yes.

 Will you please tell me where we’re going? Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis. I’m driving the car. I need to know. Right.

 Sorry, you’re on a need-to-know basis. I’m driving the car. I need to know. Right.

 Yeah, let’s see how deep a hole they can dig for themselves. Mm-hmm. Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

 Mm-hmm. Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

 Interesting. I mean, it’s not testicles on a cryostat, but I like it.

 Why do you have a storage unit? Just wait. How long have you had it? Just wait.

 How long have you had it? Just wait. Do you want me to hold that computer? Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

 Just wait. Do you want me to hold that computer? Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

 Do you want me to hold that computer? Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.

 Do you want me to hold that computer? Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame. I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at? It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

 Just wait. You know what? Actually, yes, thank you. Welcome to my Fortress of Shame. I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at? It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

 I’m sorry. What, what am I looking at? It’s basically everything I’ve ever owned. Um, every book, every tee shirt, every piece of broken electronics. Just all of it.

 Yeah, that’s pretty good. I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.

 I love it, I’ll be all like, busted, and they’ll be like, what? And then we’ll all be like, oh yeah. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t make out with me, either.

 You have sporting equipment? Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent. Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones? I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

 Well, oh, it’s just a, it’s a, a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It’s right next to the hockey puck dent. Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones? I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

 Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones? I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head.

 Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones? I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head. So, why do you feel you need to save these things? I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

 I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that, when you tell your brother, gets a golf ball thrown at your head. So, why do you feel you need to save these things? I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

 So, why do you feel you need to save these things? I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by…

 So, why do you feel you need to save these things? I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by… Okay. I get it. I get it. It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.

 I’d like to say it’s nostalgia, but every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring, and I get butterflies in my stomach. And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats, and then the, the rats get eaten by… Okay. I get it. I get it. It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.

 Okay. I get it. I get it. It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me.

 Okay. I get it. I get it. It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me. I don’t. Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.

 It ends with dinosaurs. I’m sorry if you think less of me. I don’t. Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.

 I don’t. Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me.

 I don’t. Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me. Why? Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

 Really? ‘Cause every time I come in here, I think less of me. Why? Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

 Why? Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away?

 Why? Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away? It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too. Like what?

 Because I’m a fraud. No. I purport to be a man of the mind. I’ve been such a, a vocal champion of the singularity, but how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I’ve never even thrown a toothbrush away? It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too. Like what?

 It’s okay, Sheldon. You know, I’ve saved a lot of weird things, too. Like what?

 So, no one else knows about this? Only you. Thank you for trusting me. What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

 Only you. Thank you for trusting me. What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

 Thank you for trusting me. What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her?

 Thank you for trusting me. What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her? That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you. Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.

 What good is having a girlfriend if you can’t unload your psychological sewage on her? That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you. Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.

 That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you. Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin.

 That’s me, your emotional outhouse. You know, if you ever decide you want to do something about this, I’m, I’m here for you. Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin. Baby steps, I guess. I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.

 Thank you. I wouldn’t even know how to begin. Baby steps, I guess. I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.

 Baby steps, I guess. I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball.

 Baby steps, I guess. I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball. Oh. Okay. I will always have the dent to remember it by.

 I suppose I could try getting rid of the golf ball. Oh. Okay. I will always have the dent to remember it by.

 Oh. Okay. I will always have the dent to remember it by. You did it. Do you feel okay? Actually, yes. I do.

 I will always have the dent to remember it by. You did it. Do you feel okay? Actually, yes. I do.

 Oh, I feel closer to you, too. You know, it’s still a couple of hours until my bedtime. What did you have in mind?

 I really had to go home for this? Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room. And yet, I’m not. But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.

 Yes, but it’s like you’re right here in the room. And yet, I’m not. But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.

 And yet, I’m not. But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.

 Whatcha doing? I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face. What am I smelling? Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.

 I was enjoying some virtual reality, until you ruined it with your actual face. What am I smelling? Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.

 What am I smelling? Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest.

 What am I smelling? Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest. That’s not what the forest smells like. Well, how would I know?

 Oh, it’s car air freshener. I was simulating the smell of the forest. That’s not what the forest smells like. Well, how would I know?

 That’s not what the forest smells like. Well, how would I know?

 That’s not what the forest smells like. Well, how would I know? Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it. Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.

 Well, how would I know? Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it. Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.

 Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it. Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.

 Why are you pretending to be outdoors? You hate it. Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness. Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there. Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.

 Hmm? Oh. Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness. Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there. Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.

 Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there. Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return.

 Well, make your jokes, but some of the participants who spent four days in the woods away from all technology reported a fifty percent gain in reasoning skills upon their return. Okay, if that’s true, why aren’t there more genius squirrels? You may need this more than I do.

 Okay, if that’s true, why aren’t there more genius squirrels? You may need this more than I do.

 Because he’s hitting on you? She. Oh, good. But I could get her.

 We could all go for the weekend. It’ll be fun. Excuse me. Here, look up fun, get back to me. You and I could still go and have a nice weekend. Sure.

 Excuse me. Here, look up fun, get back to me. You and I could still go and have a nice weekend. Sure.

 Sure. Come on, Sheldon, let’s go with them. I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars. I’ll see if it’s available.

 Come on, Sheldon, let’s go with them. I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars. I’ll see if it’s available.

 I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars. I’ll see if it’s available.

 I hardly think so. You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak, oh, and last, but not least, teenagers with guitars. I’ll see if it’s available. You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you. Are you trying to manipulate me?

 I’ll see if it’s available. You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you. Are you trying to manipulate me?

 You know, if that study’s real, Leonard might come back smarter than you. Are you trying to manipulate me?

 Uh, what, what you got goin’ on here? I bought a baseball cap. I can see that. What team did you get? Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.

 I bought a baseball cap. I can see that. What team did you get? Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.

 I can see that. What team did you get? Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter.

 Uh, Hufflepuff, from Harry Potter. Well, we’ll be in the woods. I’m ready to go. Anything you’d like to say to him?

 Well, we’ll be in the woods. I’m ready to go. Anything you’d like to say to him?

 I’m surprised he let us conceive without him. It’s a sore spot, don’t bring it up.

 This place is great. So nice of that doctor to just let you use it. Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought. Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?

 So nice of that doctor to just let you use it. Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought. Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?

 Well, she is taking me to an Indigo Girls concert, so hold that thought. Okay. Well, shall we check each other for ticks?

 Have you been outside in the rain with Sheldon? No. You’ll wish it would kill you. So what do we do now?

 They have some board games. Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on. Hey, let’s light a fire. Ooh, that sounds cozy.

 Eh, most of the Jenga pieces are missing and the Scrabble only has seven tiles, so unless you want to build an unimpressive structure with the word shnerpf next to it, move on. Hey, let’s light a fire. Ooh, that sounds cozy.

 Hey, let’s light a fire. Ooh, that sounds cozy. I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before. Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.

 Ooh, that sounds cozy. I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before. Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.

 I don’t think I’ve lit a real fire before. Ah, it’s basic thermodynamics. I’m sure we can figure that out.

 No, I got it. Raj, Raj, wait. Please, Bernadette. Let me leave with my dignity.

 Raj, Raj, wait. Please, Bernadette. Let me leave with my dignity.

 Not the drinking game, a drinking game. To be fair, good at both. What’s the game? All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.

 To be fair, good at both. What’s the game? All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.

 What’s the game? All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.

 All right, it’s called Never Have I Ever. The rules are simple. Someone says something they’ve never done, but if you have done it, you take a drink.

 Hey, now, wait. Have we started? Do I drink? What is happening? Okay. Calm down. I’ll go first. All right, let’s see. Never have I ever… She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while. Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.

 Okay. Calm down. I’ll go first. All right, let’s see. Never have I ever… She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while. Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.

 She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while. Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.

 Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back.

 She’s trying to think of something she’s never done before. This could take a while. Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back. Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested. So I drink.

 Very funny. Okay, never have I ever… yeah, you know what? Let’s just circle back. Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested. So I drink.

 Okay, I’ll go. Never have I ever been arrested. So I drink. No, it’s only if you’ve done it. Got it.

 No, it’s only if you’ve done it. Got it. I can’t believe you’ve been arrested. I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.

 Got it. I can’t believe you’ve been arrested. I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.

 I can’t believe you’ve been arrested. I can’t believe Penny hasn’t.

 I can’t believe Penny hasn’t. Sheldon, what did you do? Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked. Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.

 Sheldon, what did you do? Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked. Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.

 Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked. Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.

 Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac.

 Well, I’m not proud of it, but I jaywalked. Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac. I’m surprised you would do that. No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.

 Oh, no, it’s like a horror movie. We’re trapped in a cabin with a maniac. I’m surprised you would do that. No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.

 I’m surprised you would do that. No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing.

 I’m surprised you would do that. No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing. What, he arrested you for that? No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.

 No, I crossed in the middle of the street. And normally, I wouldn’t, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout, and it was the heart of cookie season. Anyway, there was a police officer, and he witnessed the whole thing. What, he arrested you for that? No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.

 What, he arrested you for that? No, he didn’t do anything. So I said, you just saw me jaywalk, why aren’t you doing your job? You know? May, maybe I should arrest you for, for impersonating a police officer.

 How? Well, never have I ever used Sheldon’s toothbrush to clean the sink. Fine, is that how you want to play this? All right, never have I ever come up with a nickname for my own genitals. Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.

 Well, never have I ever used Sheldon’s toothbrush to clean the sink. Fine, is that how you want to play this? All right, never have I ever come up with a nickname for my own genitals. Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.

 Fine, is that how you want to play this? All right, never have I ever come up with a nickname for my own genitals. Never should’ve told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.

 Okay. My turn. Um, never have I ever completely rocked my girlfriend’s world in bed. Amy. You know the rules. Drink. Yeah, go ahead.

 All right, my turn. Mm. Oh, I know. Never have I ever kept a secret bank account, because I think my wife can’t handle money. Did I win? I feel like I won. I can’t believe this. You realize I make more money than you? I don’t, I know, but this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a little savings I put aside. We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.

 I can’t believe this. You realize I make more money than you? I don’t, I know, but this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a little savings I put aside. We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.

 I don’t, I know, but this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a little savings I put aside. We’re married. We’re supposed to share everything.

 Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment. Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean. Never have I ever honked if I liked anything. Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.

 Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean. Never have I ever honked if I liked anything. Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.

 Never have I ever honked if I liked anything. Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.

 Well, isn’t Man-Man just Man? But what if Man-Man dressed as a bat? Well, that’s just Batman. No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.

 But what if Man-Man dressed as a bat? Well, that’s just Batman. No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.

 Well, that’s just Batman. No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.

 No, if a man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman, but if Man-Man dresses as a bat, that’s Batman-Man.

 I know. Scientists have tried to reproduce it with computational models, but, in each case, the world blows up. Seriously, that guy’s dating two women?

 People are coming over, it looked fun. Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party. Your attendance implies it’s not. I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.

 Well, we’re only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it’s a party. Your attendance implies it’s not. I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.

 Your attendance implies it’s not. I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting.

 Your attendance implies it’s not. I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months. Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.

 I like a party as much as the next man, as long as the next man doesn’t like a party. Oh, by the way, don’t forget, tomorrow is our quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months. Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.

 Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months. Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow.

 Oh, Sheldon, we don’t need a meeting every three months. Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow. Oh, you know what? I’m not going. Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.

 Hmm? Well, it sounds like the kind of thing one would bring up at a quarterly roommate agreement meeting. Lucky for you it’s tomorrow. Oh, you know what? I’m not going. Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.

 Oh, you know what? I’m not going. Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance.

 Oh, you know what? I’m not going. Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance. This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure. You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.

 Well, you have to go. It’s Penny’s first time leading the Pledge of Allegiance. This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure. You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.

 This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure. You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins.

 This meeting is a waste of time. Whether we make the switch from Post Raisin Bran to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran should not require parliamentary procedure. You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins. You’re the only one who eats them. And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

 You realize one of them has sugar on the raisins. You’re the only one who eats them. And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

 You’re the only one who eats them. And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

 You’re the only one who eats them. And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it? I’m not going, you can’t make me. Well, we’ll just see about that.

 And yet you get to weigh in. Democracy, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it? I’m not going, you can’t make me. Well, we’ll just see about that.

 I’m not going, you can’t make me. Well, we’ll just see about that.

 Well, we’ll just see about that. What is the problem? He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow. Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?

 What is the problem? He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow. Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?

 He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow. Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge?

 He says he’s not coming to the roommate agreement meeting tomorrow. Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge? You have fun. I will not be attending. Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.

 Well, why the hell did I memorize the Pledge? You have fun. I will not be attending. Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.

 You have fun. I will not be attending. Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to.

 You have fun. I will not be attending. Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to. Thank you. Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.

 Oh, fine. We don’t have to have a roommate agreement meeting if you don’t want to. Thank you. Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.

 Thank you. Of course, it will require a vote. Unfortunately, my official gavel is in my bedroom, but luckily, I have my travel gavel.

 There’s a motion on the floor, I’m ridiculous. Do we have a second? Hmm? Hmm? There is no second. The motion is denied. Next time, make sure you have the votes first. That was embarrassing. Can you please talk to him? Well, why are you fighting him on this? Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.

 Can you please talk to him? Well, why are you fighting him on this? Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.

 Well, why are you fighting him on this? Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.

 Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party.

 Because I am tired of him always getting his way. We don’t need a stupid meeting. We don’t even need a roommate agreement, and I hope that sandwich does cause a party. Well, I will still come to your meeting. Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day. Why are you taking his side?

 Well, I will still come to your meeting. Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day. Why are you taking his side?

 Well, I should hope so. Tomorrow’s picture day. Why are you taking his side?

 You guys have fun. I’m just gonna snuggle up in bed with a book. Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.

 Oh, that sounds great, a bed to yourself. Can’t even remember what that’s like.

 Not funny. You know you’re gonna make up with him. Can we just skip to that part? Oh, of course, because I’m the only adult around here. Really? The only adult?

 You know you’re gonna make up with him. Can we just skip to that part? Oh, of course, because I’m the only adult around here. Really? The only adult?

 Oh, of course, because I’m the only adult around here. Really? The only adult?

 Really? The only adult? Yeah, that’s right. Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster. All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.

 Yeah, that’s right. Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster. All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.

 Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster. All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.

 All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night.

 Tonight I’ll be watching a show rated M.A., and that stands for mature audiences, buster. All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night. And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed. All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.

 All right, you would think the only adult wouldn’t let something silly ruin our entire night. And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed. All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.

 And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed. All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting.

 And I’d think you’d understand why I’m annoyed. All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting. I don’t want to. Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.

 All this could be avoided if you’d just come to the meeting. I don’t want to. Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting.

 I don’t want to. Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting. Stop saying meeting. Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.

 Oh, it’s just a meeting. One simple meeting. Stop saying meeting. Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.

 Stop saying meeting. Meeting, meeting, bo-beeting, banana-fana, fo-feeting, fee-fi mo-meeting.

 Don’t you hate it when you can’t remember whose bra it is you found wedged in your couch? Okay, that I said. But that’s a real problem. You give a girl another woman’s bra, and you will not be having sex with her that night. Maybe the other girl, but not her.

 Okay, that I said. But that’s a real problem. You give a girl another woman’s bra, and you will not be having sex with her that night. Maybe the other girl, but not her.

 What’s going on with him? Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting. Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more. Don’t worry, he’ll come around.

 Oh, he’s all bent out of shape about having a roommate agreement meeting. Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more. Don’t worry, he’ll come around.

 Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more. Don’t worry, he’ll come around.

 Apparently, perfect attendance isn’t cool any more. Don’t worry, he’ll come around. Well, I get why he’s annoyed. Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.

 Don’t worry, he’ll come around. Well, I get why he’s annoyed. Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.

 Well, I get why he’s annoyed. Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like.

 Well, I get why he’s annoyed. Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like. You love The Simpsons. I love Lisa Simpson.

 Well, then you don’t understand what’s happening. See, Leonard refused to participate in a mandatory quarterly roommate agreement meeting. This is what a generation raised on Bart Simpson looks like. You love The Simpsons. I love Lisa Simpson.

 You love The Simpsons. I love Lisa Simpson. Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings. Wait. You were pretending?

 I love Lisa Simpson. Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings. Wait. You were pretending?

 Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings. Wait. You were pretending?

 Well, I know how he feels. I never enjoyed our relationship agreement meetings. Wait. You were pretending? Sorry. No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.

 Wait. You were pretending? Sorry. No. I don’t believe you. I could tell.

 Just drop it. Okay, I think I see what’s happening here. You’re jealous of me. Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of? It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.

 Okay, I think I see what’s happening here. You’re jealous of me. Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of? It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.

 Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of? It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with.

 Oh, please. What could you possibly have that I would be jealous of? It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with. Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here. Gladly.

 It’s not what I have, it’s how many people I’m having it with. Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here. Gladly.

 Come on, Sheldon, we’ll watch Game of Thrones over here. Gladly.

 Okay, then you go there. Don’t tell me where to go. Howard, just come in here. Yeah, come on, Raj.

 Don’t tell me where to go. Howard, just come in here. Yeah, come on, Raj.

 Um, guys? Were there any nuts in that food? I don’t think so. Why? Well just a feeling.

 It just said Italian sub. I had no idea mortadella has pistachios in it. Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death. Sheldon. I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.

 Interesting fact, in Italian, the morta in mortadella means death. Sheldon. I didn’t say fun fact. I’m not a monster.

 You know, if you think about it, tonight was kind of like a real-life Game of Thrones. How? Well, Howard eating that pistachio was like when King Joffrey got poisoned. Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.

 How? Well, Howard eating that pistachio was like when King Joffrey got poisoned. Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.

 Well, Howard eating that pistachio was like when King Joffrey got poisoned. Okay, well, that was murder, this was an accident.

 Okay. But you using Sheldon to do your dirty work is like when Cersei used the King’s Guard to do her bidding. Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store. Okay. Oh, how about this? Stuart’s dressed like a brother of the Night’s Watch, and they don’t have sex. There you go.

 Cersei uses her body to manipulate men. Penny just takes me to The LEGO Store. Okay. Oh, how about this? Stuart’s dressed like a brother of the Night’s Watch, and they don’t have sex. There you go.

 Okay. Oh, how about this? Stuart’s dressed like a brother of the Night’s Watch, and they don’t have sex. There you go.

 Hey. You all right? I’m fine. Just a little embarrassed I had to be carried down the stairs like a baby. Thanks. Let’s get out of here.

 You all right? I’m fine. Just a little embarrassed I had to be carried down the stairs like a baby. Thanks. Let’s get out of here.

 I’m fine. Just a little embarrassed I had to be carried down the stairs like a baby. Thanks. Let’s get out of here.

 That was scary. Well, the important thing is I said that big sandwich would ruin everything, and I was right.

 Better than watching a guy in a fur cloak ride a girl’s bike? Nope. That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!

 That’s it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store. Horse has a basket on it. Stupid… aaargh!

 What? I never got to ask my question about Batman. What is it? If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?

 I never got to ask my question about Batman. What is it? If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?

 What is it? If Batman were bitten by a radioactive Man-Bat, and then fought crime disguised as Man-Bat, would he be Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Man or simply Man-Bat-Man-Bat-Batman?

 Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine tasting from work. That sounds fun. Mm-hmm. How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?

 That sounds fun. Mm-hmm. How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?

 Mm-hmm. How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do?

 Mm-hmm. How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do? ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies. Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

 How come scientists don’t win free stuff like salespeople do? ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies. Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

 ‘Cause we’re not in it for the stuff. We’re in it for the groupies. Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning. I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.

 I also say don’t contradict me in front of my friends, but that you don’t remember. All right, well, let me know if you guys want to go. I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir. I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

 All right, well, let me know if you guys want to go. I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir. I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

 I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir. I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

 I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.

 I would love to. I do enjoy the complexity of an aged Pinot noir. I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken. Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go. Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

 I’m sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken. Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go. Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

 Well, it sounds like a nice night. We should go. Wine again? Yeah, no, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way, in a juice box.

 Well, we’re out. Bernie can’t drink ’cause she’s pregnant. And she’s pregnant because we had sex. And we had sex because, well, come on. It’s okay, you should go. You sure? Of course.

 You sure? Of course. Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on. Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.

 Of course. Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on. Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.

 Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on. Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me.

 Yeah, give her a break from, well, come on. Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me. Me? How? Why? Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

 Well, Bernadette, looks like Saturday night, it’s you and me. Me? How? Why? Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

 Me? How? Why? Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup.

 Well, it makes perfect sense. Because you’re an expectant mother, you can’t drink alcohol. I don’t like to. You can’t have sushi. I don’t like to. You can’t go in hot tubs. I consider them vats of sweaty people soup. Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know. Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to. The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

 Gee, Sheldon, I don’t know. Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to. The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

 Oh, come on. Roller coasters, caffeine, runny eggs, I’ve been avoiding these things all my life. And now, because you’re pregnant, you have to. The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

 The difference is she’s bringing life into the world, and you suck it out.

 Funny how that worked out. Does this mean Emily’s not in the picture anymore? No, I’m still dating her. Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

 Does this mean Emily’s not in the picture anymore? No, I’m still dating her. Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

 No, I’m still dating her. Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

 Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other?

 No, I’m still dating her. Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other? They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions. You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

 Okay, help me out. How are you doing this? Do they know about each other? They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions. You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

 They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions. You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia.

 They know that we’re not exclusive, and we just don’t ask too many questions. You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia. Who’s Frank and Alicia? You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

 You know, it’s like how I play Warlords of Ka’a with you and Elder Sign with Frank and Alicia. Who’s Frank and Alicia? You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

 Who’s Frank and Alicia? You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us?

 Who’s Frank and Alicia? You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us? Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready. I am going to record this for posterity.

 You, you and I spend a lot of time together. Can there be a little mystery between us? Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready. I am going to record this for posterity.

 Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready. I am going to record this for posterity.

 Okay. Everything’s hooked up. We’re ready. I am going to record this for posterity. All right, here goes nothing. Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

 I am going to record this for posterity. All right, here goes nothing. Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

 All right, here goes nothing. Here goes nothing? This is the initial test of our prototype. Can we give it a little more gravitas?

 You actually smell the wine? I mostly just smell my nasal spray. Are your sinuses acting up? Since my preschool got a bunny.

 I mostly just smell my nasal spray. Are your sinuses acting up? Since my preschool got a bunny.

 Are your sinuses acting up? Since my preschool got a bunny. Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight? Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

 Since my preschool got a bunny. Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight? Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

 Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight? Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.

 Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight? Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves. Oh, good for you. Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

 Yes. And we’re going to prove that we don’t need alcohol to enjoy ourselves. Oh, good for you. Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

 Oh, good for you. Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.

 Oh, good for you. Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby. No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it. Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

 Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meats and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby. No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it. Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

 No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it. Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection.

 No honey baked ham in a hot tub, got it. Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection. Okay, have fun. Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

 Oh, no bubble baths either. They can increase the risk of a urinary tract infection. Okay, have fun. Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

 Okay, have fun. Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury.

 Okay, have fun. Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury. We’re leaving now! Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

 Oh, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish, which are all high in mercury. We’re leaving now! Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

 We’re leaving now! Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings, uh, no-no cat litter boxes, no paint fumes.

 Are you gonna say hi to him? Uh, I don’t know. Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.

 Uh, I don’t know. Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.

 Hey, while you decide, who was better in bed, big hot Zack or wheezy little Leonard? Neener neener.

 I brought sparkling cider. Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it. So what do you want to do tonight? Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

 Oh, the bubbles tickle my nose. I’ll just open this now so it can get nice and flat before we drink it. So what do you want to do tonight? Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

 So what do you want to do tonight? Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast.

 So what do you want to do tonight? Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast. There’s more than one? You’ve heard of French toast?

 Oh, I have quite the evening planned. Our foetus-friendly festival of fun begins with an in-depth look at the world of model trains, and then we’ll kick things up a notch and explore all the different ways that you can make toast. There’s more than one? You’ve heard of French toast?

 There’s more than one? You’ve heard of French toast? Yeah. Cinnamon toast?

 I’m sorry, I have to ask. When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it. What is it about trains that you like so much? What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

 When I was five, I ingested a Z gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it, I think I can pass it. What is it about trains that you like so much? What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

 What is it about trains that you like so much? What an interesting question. When I was a child, life was confusing and chaotic for me, and trains represented order. I could line them up, categorize them, control them. I guess you could say that they gave me a sense of calm in a world that didn’t.

 Dungeons & Dragons? That sounds about right. You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you. Okay, but just for a little bit. Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

 You’re gonna enjoy this. I designed it especially for you. Okay, but just for a little bit. Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

 Okay, but just for a little bit. Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop.

 Okay, but just for a little bit. Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop. All right. Ready?

 Oh, I have a feeling that once you start, you’re not gonna want to or be allowed to stop. All right. Ready?

 All right. Ready? You bet. Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

 Ready? You bet. Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

 You bet. Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall.

 You bet. Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall. Oh. I like the idea of being tall. I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

 Your name is Bernatrix. You are a warrior queen. You’re strong, beautiful and tall. Oh. I like the idea of being tall. I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

 Oh. I like the idea of being tall. I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs.

 Oh. I like the idea of being tall. I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs. This is getting fun. What’s next? You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

 I think you’re gonna like a lot of things I have in store. For example, in this world, only the men get pregnant, so your husband is home trying not to pee when he laughs. This is getting fun. What’s next? You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

 This is getting fun. What’s next? You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm.

 This is getting fun. What’s next? You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm. Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months. What do you do?

 You’re parched and weary from battle. You stand in front of a tavern that serves the coldest, most delicious ale in all the realm. Oh, I haven’t had a drink in months. What do you do?

 Okay, then. Geez, how much wine did you drink? Not a lot. I just couldn’t start until you walked away.

 Does it have eyes? Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling. I stab it in the middle eye. Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

 Three giant red ones and they never blink. It’s unsettling. I stab it in the middle eye. Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

 I stab it in the middle eye. Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah.

 I stab it in the middle eye. Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah. Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn. Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

 Good choice. Critical hit. Your sword goes through its eye into its tiny brain. With its final dying gasp, it says, you have reduced me to a pile of sushi. Enjoy me with this packet of soy sauce. It’s low sodium. Aaaah. Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn. Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

 Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn. Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end.

 Okay, I guess I should eat the Hell Prawn. Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end. Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought. Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

 Using your sword, you prepare a beautiful sushi dinner. You slip into the hot spring and enjoy the warm water on your aching joints. As you happily close your eyes, you recall the incredible evening you’ve had and notice that your feet and ankles are smaller than they’ve ever been. The end. Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought. Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

 Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought. Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast.

 Wow, this night turned out to be so much more fun than I thought. Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast. Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight. I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

 Oh, the fun doesn’t stop. You’re still going home with a goodie bag full of toast. Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight. I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

 Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight. I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius.

 Thank you for this. You know, ever since people found out I’m having a baby, I feel like I became Pregnant Bernadette. It was nice to take a little break tonight. I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius. Well, thanks again. You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

 I can understand that. From the moment people realized I was a genius, I’ve been Sheldon the Genius. Although I’ve never really wanted a break from that, so I suppose I don’t understand. Which is ironic ’cause, you know, genius. Well, thanks again. You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

 Well, thanks again. You’re welcome. And any time you need a break from being Bernadette the Pregnant, Bernatrix the Warrior Queen is here waiting.

 We didn’t. You just did. Wow. Maybe none of you guys are smart.

 Morning. Morning. Ugh. Too much wine. Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.

 Morning. Ugh. Too much wine. Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.

 Ugh. Too much wine. Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog.

 Ugh. Too much wine. Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog. Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system? Of course.

 Oh, I overdid it myself last night. Hair of the dog. Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system? Of course.

 Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system? Of course.

 Hey, did you ever think about the military applications for the guidance system? Of course. Does it bother you? No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

 Of course. Does it bother you? No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

 Does it bother you? No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective.

 No, it did at first, but then I talked it through with Frank and Alicia, and they really helped put things into perspective. Who are these people? Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.

 Who are these people? Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It’s good to have extras under the sink.

 Khloe? Yes. See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe. Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?

 Yes. See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe. Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?

 See, I remembered because if it looks like Kim it’s Kim, if it looks kind of like Kim it’s Kourtney, and if it looks nothing like Kim it’s Khloe. Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?

 Oh, that’s a Venn Diagram, and I remember because I thought to myself, venn is he gonna stop talking about this diagram?

 What are you guys doing? Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases. Oh, let me try. Okay.

 Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases. Oh, let me try. Okay.

 Oh, hey, Penny, do you want to go to the airport with me later to pick up my mother? Sure. Thanks. No problem.

 Thanks. No problem. Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go? Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?

 No problem. Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go? Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?

 Hey, Penny, um, since you’re already gonna be at the airport, do I need to go? Why don’t you want to get your mother from the airport?

 I don’t know what he’s putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever. Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up. Seriously? Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.

 Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up. Seriously? Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.

 Seriously? Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.

 Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship.

 Seriously? Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship. That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah. All right, back to learning.

 Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law, and I’d like for us to have a good relationship. That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah. All right, back to learning.

 That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah. All right, back to learning.

 That is very mature of you, so I’m gonna go ahead and say, suckah. All right, back to learning. Okay. Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.

 All right, back to learning. Okay. Oh, easy, Bill Nye the Science Guy.

 Or as I know him? Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

 Creepy old dude from Dancing with the Stars. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

 Oh, well, I have a few questions for him about the last Avengers movie, and a whole lot of answers. When’s the screening? Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line. Let’s do it.

 When’s the screening? Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line. Let’s do it.

 Uh, it’s tonight, but it’s first-come, first-served, so we should probably get there early and wait in line. Let’s do it.

 Penny’s busy with my mother, so I’m in. Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go. You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you? In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?

 Oh, bad news. Amy’s making me go shopping with her later, so looks like none of us can go. You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you? In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?

 You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you? In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?

 In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there?

 You do realize we’re allowed to have fun without you? In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there? Uh, I’d say by three. You’re really going without me?

 In fact, that’s usually the trick to it. What time do we need to get there? Uh, I’d say by three. You’re really going without me?

 Uh, I’d say by three. You’re really going without me? It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you. You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.

 You’re really going without me? It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you. You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.

 It’s not a big deal. Go shopping with Amy, and we’ll save a spot in line for you. You don’t have the authority to save places in the line. If I do that, I’ll be cutting.

 You sure? I’m happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick. Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now? Look, lady, I just work here.

 Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now? Look, lady, I just work here.

 Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con? Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do. Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets. Stuart, what are you doing here?

 Yeah, sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do. Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets. Stuart, what are you doing here?

 Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets. Stuart, what are you doing here?

 Waking up, wondering which one of those fans stole our wallets. Stuart, what are you doing here? Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend? I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?

 Stuart, what are you doing here? Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend? I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?

 Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend? I don’t understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why, why are you upset with me now?

 Not the stick chair. You look like an idiot on that thing. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy. Hey. Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?

 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy. Hey. Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy?

 Hey. Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy? Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad. Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?

 Hey. Is everything smoothed out with Amy? Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad. Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?

 Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad. Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have?

 Uh, no, she’s still pretty mad. Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have? I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry. Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.

 Did you make the apology as sincere as I would have? I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry. Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.

 I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry. Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick.

 I said, Sheldon says he’s sorry. Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick. You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself? I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.

 Oh, well, that’s laying it on a little thick. You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself? I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.

 You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself? I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot.

 You think it’s time you apologize to her yourself? I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot. I’m happy to hold your place till you get back. You would do that?

 I suppose so. But if I get out of the line, I’ll lose my spot. I’m happy to hold your place till you get back. You would do that?

 I’m happy to hold your place till you get back. You would do that?

 That’s interesting. I just attended a lecture on pediatric anxiety. Oh, was it, uh, Dr. Jenofski? I just saw his TED Talk. It was. Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?

 Oh, was it, uh, Dr. Jenofski? I just saw his TED Talk. It was. Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?

 It was. Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?

 Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car?

 It was. Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car? Um, it has seat warmers. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.

 Well, let’s get back to Penny. Hey, weren’t you telling me something great about your company car? Um, it has seat warmers. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.

 Um, it has seat warmers. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy.

 Um, it has seat warmers. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Come in. Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.

 (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. (Knock, knock, knock) Amy. Come in. Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.

 Come in. Hello, everyone. Oh, Beverly, good to see you. I’d love to chat, but there’s a line that could start moving any minute, so let’s do this. Amy? A proper apology requires three steps. Step one, an admission of wrongdoing. Amy, I was wrong. Step two, a promise never to repeat said action. Amy, that action will never be repeated, and that’s a promise. Step three, an earnest request for forgiveness. Amy, I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you do it right now, ’cause there’s an Uber waiting downstairs, and I don’t want to repeat this apology nonsense with my driver Ganesh.

 You can’t make me feel bad. Hmm, maybe not. Leonard? So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in? I’m back.

 Hmm, maybe not. Leonard? So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in? I’m back.

 So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in? I’m back.

 Five. You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass. Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know. Hey, guys.

 You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass. Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know. Hey, guys.

 Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know. Hey, guys.

 Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know. Hey, guys. You made it. Did you see that? He just cut the line.

 Hey, guys. You made it. Did you see that? He just cut the line.

 You made it. Did you see that? He just cut the line. He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine. No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.

 Did you see that? He just cut the line. He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine. No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.

 He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine. No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette.

 He’s just joining his friends; it’s fine. No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette. We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way. What if every person in front of us let someone cut?

 No, it’s not fine. It is a breach of line etiquette. We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way. What if every person in front of us let someone cut?

 We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way. What if every person in front of us let someone cut?

 We’re near the front of the line. We’ll get in either way. What if every person in front of us let someone cut? We’d still get in. What if each of those people let someone cut?

 What if every person in front of us let someone cut? We’d still get in. What if each of those people let someone cut?

 We’d still get in. What if each of those people let someone cut?

 We’d still get in. What if each of those people let someone cut? Still get in. But then each of those people let someone cut?

 What if each of those people let someone cut? Still get in. But then each of those people let someone cut?

 Still get in. But then each of those people let someone cut? We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair. Excuse me.

 But then each of those people let someone cut? We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair. Excuse me.

 We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair. Excuse me.

 We’d still get in, but first I’d hit you over the head with his stick chair. Excuse me. Oh, please don’t. Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.

 Excuse me. Oh, please don’t. Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.

 Oh, please don’t. Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line.

 Oh, please don’t. Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line. Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool. Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.

 Uh, uh, I couldn’t help but notice that you cut the line. Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool. Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.

 Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool. Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here.

 Oh, uh, I’m with my friends. It’s cool. Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here. No. You need to go to the back of the line.

 Well, no. It’s not cool. If there were reserved seating, and we all had tickets, that would be fine. But this line is first-come, first-served. Not show up tardy and nevertheless be first served. Right here. No. You need to go to the back of the line.

 Well, it’s not a clinical term. But one example would be your marrying my son, and not inviting me or even telling me the wedding was taking place. Okay, good example.

 What about Joss Whedon’s work makes you think he’d be okay with rule-breakers and line-cutters? The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description. They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government? As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.

 The Avengers are rule-breakers. Being vengeful is in their job description. They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government? As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.

 They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government? As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV.

 They work for SHIELD, which is a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government. Do you work for a sanctioned department of the U.S. Government? As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV. He’s got him there. The D even stands for department. Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?

 As a matter of fact I do. At a little place called the DMV. He’s got him there. The D even stands for department. Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?

 He’s got him there. The D even stands for department. Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line?

 He’s got him there. The D even stands for department. Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line? Told you. Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.

 Excuse me, excuse me, can I please see a show of hands? Who here takes issue with this person cutting the line? Told you. Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.

 Told you. Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you.

 Told you. Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you. I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair. You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.

 Well, what a sad state of affairs. That you’ve all been so ground down by life, you don’t even notice when someone disrespects you. I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair. You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.

 I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair. You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks.

 I can’t believe we’re gonna get beat up, and it’s not because of your chair. You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks. Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here. Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…

 You know, right now, at the back of this line, there’s a movie fan like you who’s not going to get in, because this person simply doesn’t care. Yeah, well, 61 years ago, there was another person at the back of the line and her name was Rosa Parks. Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here. Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…

 Okay, you may have to pretend you’re black to get us out of here. Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person…

 Now, let’s follow in that brave woman’s footsteps, and stand up for ourselves. And, and I realize that she stood up by remaining seated, but now is not the time to enjoy the irony of that. Now, I ask you again. Who here takes issue with this person… Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself. I most certainly did not. I saw you.

 Why should we listen to you? You cut the line yourself. I most certainly did not. I saw you.

 I most certainly did not. I saw you. If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned. Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.

 I saw you. If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned. Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.

 If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned. Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in.

 If you’re feeling dizzy, it’s because the tables have turned. Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in. Buddy, let it go. No, I can’t. This isn’t right.

 Excuse me, I paid someone to wait in line for me, and then when I arrived, he left, so what you saw, my good woman, was swapsies, not cutsies. Oh, no, no, no, no, wait, I ask you all again, a show of hands. Who here takes issue… well, stop moving. he’s gonna get in. Buddy, let it go. No, I can’t. This isn’t right.

 I don’t see how I could. Then I graciously accept. Who’s going to officiate? I was kind of hoping you would.

 Then I graciously accept. Who’s going to officiate? I was kind of hoping you would.

 Who’s going to officiate? I was kind of hoping you would. Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour? Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.

 I was kind of hoping you would. Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour? Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.

 Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour? Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.

 Wait, now I’m just some lousy maid of honour? Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding. Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding? Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.

 Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding. Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding? Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.

 Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding? Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.

 Okay, wait, you’re inviting people to our wedding? Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik. Who’s Erno Rubik? Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.

 Yes, I’m inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I’ve already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don’t get your hopes up, ’cause he’s pretty busy, but Erno Rubik. Who’s Erno Rubik? Seriously? He invented the Rubik’s Cube.

 Is there a window around here we don’t know about? I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.

 I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.

 Yeah, of course. What else could it be? Boy, do I love America.

 Oh, you’re welcome. I was speaking to your young lady. My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper. Oh, please call me Mary.

 I was speaking to your young lady. My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper. Oh, please call me Mary.

 My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper. Oh, please call me Mary. Okay, Mary. You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

 Oh, please call me Mary. Okay, Mary. You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

 Okay, Mary. You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper.

 Okay, Mary. You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper. Sheldon, don’t be silly. Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

 You know, that doesn’t work for me, let’s stay with Mrs. Cooper. Sheldon, don’t be silly. Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

 Sheldon, don’t be silly. Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better.

 Wu-wu, what? That’s what I called you till I got to know you better. It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me. Well, actually, I… It sure was.

 It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me. Well, actually, I… It sure was.

 It sure was. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years. Excuse me, I take care of him. Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?

 I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years. Excuse me, I take care of him. Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?

 Excuse me, I take care of him. Sure you do. So who else is coming to this shindig?

 Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny’s family is coming tomorrow. Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here. Oh, Beverly. How nice. You’ve met her, right?

 Yeah, and Leonard’s mother’s already here. Oh, Beverly. How nice. You’ve met her, right?

 Hey, we’re here. Alfred. Thank you for coming! Oh. Well, happy to be here. And congratulations. Thank you.

 Alfred. Thank you for coming! Oh. Well, happy to be here. And congratulations. Thank you.

 Of course. I’m sorry. Oh, look at that, you can apologize. Mom. I’m sorry.

 I’m sorry. You know, the Bible says forgiveness… Mom. I’m sorry.

 Mom. I’m sorry. Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town. It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.

 I’m sorry. Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town. It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.

 Uh, who’s hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town. It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.

 I work at the church. Well, they’re lucky to have you. Well, thank you. You’re welcome.

 Well, they’re lucky to have you. Well, thank you. You’re welcome.

 Oh, just Mary and I getting to know each other a little. Leonard, your father is just charming. He’s also broke. Did he mention that? Okay, Mom, you sit over there.

 Leonard, your father is just charming. He’s also broke. Did he mention that? Okay, Mom, you sit over there.

 He’s also broke. Did he mention that? Okay, Mom, you sit over there.

 Hey, Penny. What are you talking about? Oh, that was you? Long story. Why don’t you go ahead and eat. We’re gonna be a while. I’m telling you, I’m not on drugs. The government’s out to get me.

 I’m telling you, I’m not on drugs. The government’s out to get me.

 Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens frequently mated with each other. Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon’s father. That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man. I’d be lost without you.

 Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon’s father. That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man. I’d be lost without you.

 That’s funny, because my father was not a very clever man. I’d be lost without you.

 Where are you staying? I’m at the Westin. Oh, so am I. Can I interest you in a nightcap? I think that you could.

 I’m at the Westin. Oh, so am I. Can I interest you in a nightcap? I think that you could.

 Oh, so am I. Can I interest you in a nightcap? I think that you could.

 ‘Cause they both turned their phones off. I don’t like this at all. I don’t like it either. Really? ‘Cause I love it.

 I don’t like this at all. I don’t like it either. Really? ‘Cause I love it.

 I don’t like it either. Really? ‘Cause I love it. Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. Leonard? Leonard?

 Really? ‘Cause I love it. Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. Leonard? Leonard?

 Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. Leonard? Leonard? What? You realize you and I could become brothers.

 Leonard? Leonard? What? You realize you and I could become brothers.

 What? You realize you and I could become brothers. We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep. I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.

 You realize you and I could become brothers. We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep. I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.

 We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep. I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird.

 We’re not gonna be brothers. We’re not gonna be stepbrothers. Go to sleep. I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird. Go to sleep. Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?

 I hope you’re right. ‘Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother’s wife is weird. Go to sleep. Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?

 Go to sleep. Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother?

 Go to sleep. Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother? No. Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?

 Okay. Do you think your father’s doing unspeakable things to my mother? No. Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?

 Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable? Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep. Very well. I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.

 Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30. Go to sleep. Very well. I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.

 Very well. I’m sorry if this stuff is gonna make the ceremony awkward.

 What? Oh. Hi. Okay, hey there, I got, I’m sorry, I got to go now. Penny, wait. Why? I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.

 Penny, wait. Why? I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.

 Why? I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.

 I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.

 Why? I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend. Well, why? What’s wrong? Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?

 I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend. Well, why? What’s wrong? Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?

 Well, why? What’s wrong? Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong?

 Well, why? What’s wrong? Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong? I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me. Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?

 Whuh, are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what’s wrong? I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me. Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?

 I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me. Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?

 I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me. Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you? Stop it, Sheldon. Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?

 Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you? Stop it, Sheldon. Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?

 Stop it, Sheldon. Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel?

 Stop it, Sheldon. Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel? I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin. Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.

 Do I say stop what, or just throw in the towel? I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin. Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.

 I don’t see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin. Oh, excuse me, that is my mother you’re talking about, however accurately.

 Okay, Beverley, aren’t you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap.  And turned their phones off. Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay. Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

 And turned their phones off. Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay. Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

 Not helping, buddy. Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay. Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

 Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.

 Here you are, Mother. Thank you. I’m glad you decided to stay. It’s gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you. I can’t wait for this day to be over.

 Thank you. I’m glad you decided to stay. It’s gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you. I can’t wait for this day to be over.

 I’m glad you decided to stay. It’s gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you. I can’t wait for this day to be over.

 All right, so less or equally awkward, got it. Hey, guys, come on in. Oh, thank you. Good morning.

 I’m good, too. Good. So, did you defile my mother or not? Sheldon. You’re being rude.

 Good. So, did you defile my mother or not? Sheldon. You’re being rude.

 So, did you defile my mother or not? Sheldon. You’re being rude.

 If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation. Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold? That’s enough. Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.

 Did that conversation include the phrase your genitals are a joy to behold? That’s enough. Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.

 That’s enough. Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.

 Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.

 Okay. Listen, Mom, I know you’re nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just we’re meeting Leonard’s parents for the first time, and, and they’re academics and, and intellectuals, and I don’t want them thinking we’re white trash. Well, what colour trash do you think they’ll believe?

 Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just we’re meeting Leonard’s parents for the first time, and, and they’re academics and, and intellectuals, and I don’t want them thinking we’re white trash. Well, what colour trash do you think they’ll believe?

 A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You’re kind of a sucker. Well, nothing happened, right? It’s over. Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again. Well, you know, actually that’s not the case. Mary may visit me in New York. Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.

 Well, nothing happened, right? It’s over. Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again. Well, you know, actually that’s not the case. Mary may visit me in New York. Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.

 Well, you know, actually that’s not the case. Mary may visit me in New York. Mm-hmm. And he’s never been to Texas.

 And why wouldn’t we? Oh please, you’re just saying this to antagonize me. Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus. Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.

 Oh please, you’re just saying this to antagonize me. Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus. Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.

 Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus. Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this.

 Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that’s just a bonus. Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this. No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father. What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

 Mary, I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this. No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father. What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

 No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father. What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

 No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father. What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate. Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom? Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

 What? But he’s a mediocre academic. And according to Beverley, his sexual prowess is sub-par. He’s basically Leonard with a bigger prostate. Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom? Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

 Are you saying that my dad’s not good enough for your mom? Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

 But why should you get to go and leave me here with your bickering parents? Fine, then you go. Well, I don’t want to stay here with her. I’ll go. I’ll go with you.

 Fine, then you go. Well, I don’t want to stay here with her. I’ll go. I’ll go with you.

 Well, I don’t want to stay here with her. I’ll go. I’ll go with you.

 Well, I don’t want to stay here with her. I’ll go. I’ll go with you. That still leaves me here with him. Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.

 I’ll go with you. That still leaves me here with him. Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.

 That still leaves me here with him. Hang on, hang on. We’re smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverley can’t be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverley can’t be together. Leonard and I can’t be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don’t like his face. Oh, here. I’ve got it.

 Are you excited to see your son walk down the aisle? Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused. Oh, so am I. You made God sad today, Mom.

 Yes, I am. I’m just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I’ve caused. Oh, so am I. You made God sad today, Mom.

 You made God sad today, Mom. Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off. Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years. It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

 Sheldon, they haven’t done anything wrong. I think it’s nice they’re hitting it off. Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years. It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

 Well, that’s still no reason to rush into anything. I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn’t even hold hands for two years. It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

 Oh, I’m Alfred. Leonard’s father. Oh. Oh, hi. Uh, I’m sorry, did you two want to sit together? No. I was wondering why the front row was available.

 Oh. Oh, hi. Uh, I’m sorry, did you two want to sit together? No. I was wondering why the front row was available.

 We’re here today to celebrate love. Urgh. Sigh louder, no one heard you. Really, I can move.

 Anybody have anything snarky to say about that? Didn’t think so. I’d like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don’t bring out the best in each other.  I couldn’t agree more. That’s beautiful.

 I’d like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don’t bring out the best in each other.  I couldn’t agree more. That’s beautiful.

 I couldn’t agree more. That’s beautiful. Thank you. All right, let’s continue. Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.

 That’s beautiful. Thank you. All right, let’s continue. Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.

 Thank you. All right, let’s continue. Yeah, excuse me, I need to say something to someone pretty special, and I just can’t wait any longer.

 There’s a lot of traffic. Are we gonna be okay? You’ll be at the airport an hour before your flight. Good. Thank you. Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.

 You’ll be at the airport an hour before your flight. Good. Thank you. Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.

 Good. Thank you. Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.

 Good. Thank you. Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy. Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me. Yes ma’am.

 Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy. Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me. Yes ma’am.

 Hey. I will not have you be disrespectful to me. Yes ma’am. Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her. Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.

 Yes ma’am. Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her. Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.

 Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her. Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.

 Sheldon, you’re mother’s an attractive woman. You need to get use to the fact that men are going to be interested in her. Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business. I will not have you be disrespectful to me. What, you’re not my mother.

 Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business. I will not have you be disrespectful to me. What, you’re not my mother.

 I will not have you be disrespectful to me. What, you’re not my mother.

 He reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain. Cops, cops, be cool.

 All right, we got a problem. What’s up? The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting. Really?

 What’s up? The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting. Really?

 The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting. Really?

 The Air Force contacted me about our quantum gyroscope. They want to have a meeting. Really? Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying. Oh, what did he say?

 Really? Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying. Oh, what did he say?

 Yeah. This military guy showed up at Howard’s door. He was terrifying. Oh, what did he say?

 And if that happens, we’ll never be able to sell it commercially. There goes our big payday. I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed. You do that, too?

 There goes our big payday. I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed. You do that, too?

 I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed. You do that, too?

 I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don’t have to try so hard in bed. You do that, too? Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin? Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?

 You do that, too? Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin? Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?

 Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin? Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting?

 Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin? Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting? Well, you’re kidding, right? Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?

 Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn’t that exciting? Well, you’re kidding, right? Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?

 Well, you’re kidding, right? Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn’t you ever think, hey, that could be me?

 That’s not a bad idea. Well, you must have someone in your family that’s a lawyer. Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre? My cousin does work in a call centre.

 Well, you must have someone in your family that’s a lawyer. Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre? My cousin does work in a call centre.

 Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre? My cousin does work in a call centre.

 Why? Because I’m Jewish? That’s like me saying, hey, you’re Indian, doesn’t your cousin work in a call centre? My cousin does work in a call centre. And my cousin’s a lawyer. We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. 

 My cousin does work in a call centre. And my cousin’s a lawyer. We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. 

 And my cousin’s a lawyer. We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me. 

 And my cousin’s a lawyer. We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me.  You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all. I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.

 We don’t need Howard’s cousin. No, we have me.  You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all. I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.

 You’re not a lawyer, Sheldon, you’re just a know-it-all. I am not a know-it-all. I’m a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they’re wrong.

 I mean, seriously, you have got to let me scan your brain when you’re being dishonest so I can see what lights up. That’s super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot. I can’t wait to do that. I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin’ up from here.

 That’s super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot. I can’t wait to do that. I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin’ up from here.

 Hello. Hey, Marty. Thanks for talking to us. Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me. Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.

 Hey, Marty. Thanks for talking to us. Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me. Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.

 Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me. Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.

 Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we’re even. Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.

 And this is my friend, Raj. Oh, I’m not on the patent. I’m just here because there’s a bumblebee in my office. I saw it. It’s big. Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?

 Oh, I’m not on the patent. I’m just here because there’s a bumblebee in my office. I saw it. It’s big. Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?

 I saw it. It’s big. Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?

 Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us?

 I saw it. It’s big. Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us? Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything. Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?

 Anyway, like I said in the e-mail, this meeting’s on Thursday. Do you have any advice for us? Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything. Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?

 Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything. Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned?

 Well, I don’t know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don’t sign anything. Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned? That’s not what I meant. That’s what you said.

 Don’t sign anything? That’s your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you’d recommend that we leave that unsigned? That’s not what I meant. That’s what you said.

 That’s not what I meant. That’s what you said. That’s not what I meant. This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.

 That’s what you said. That’s not what I meant. This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.

 That’s not what I meant. This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say.

 This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don’t mean and meaning things you don’t say. Howard, why is he yelling at me? All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time? Marty, let me call you back.

 Howard, why is he yelling at me? All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time? Marty, let me call you back.

 All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time? Marty, let me call you back.

 Get out. Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

 Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

 ‘Cause when you talk, it enrages people. Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel? Yes. Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?

 Okay. Quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel? Yes. Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?

 Yes. Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?

 Gentlemen, I’m Colonel Williams. Thank you for meeting with me. Hi. Hello. So, which one of you is the brains behind all this?

 That’s a lot less big. Yes, it’s this much less big. I’m not even sure that’s possible. Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.

 Yes, it’s this much less big. I’m not even sure that’s possible. Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.

 I’m not even sure that’s possible. Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.

 Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.

 Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald’s and gets fruit? I’ll be right back. And a chocolate shake.

 Hi. Hello. What are you doing? Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.

 Hello. What are you doing? Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.

 What are you doing? Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars.

 What are you doing? Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars. Does he even like lemon bars? Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.

 Oh, Leonard’s mad at me, so I’m making him lemon bars. Does he even like lemon bars? Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.

 Does he even like lemon bars? Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.

 Does he even like lemon bars? Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is. Something happen at the meeting? They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.

 Not really. But I’m mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is. Something happen at the meeting? They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.

 Something happen at the meeting? They made me promise I wouldn’t talk.

 Something happen at the meeting? They made me promise I wouldn’t talk. And you talked? Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.

 They made me promise I wouldn’t talk. And you talked? Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.

 And you talked? Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me.

 And you talked? Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too. Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.

 Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn’t they? Anyway, now we’re committed to completing this project in a ridiculously short time frame, and everyone’s upset with me. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too. Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too. Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.

 Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette’s mad at me, too. Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction. Why would that make me feel better? Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

 Mm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction. Why would that make me feel better? Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

 Why would that make me feel better? Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

 Why would that make me feel better? Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational. Okay. Never mind. Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.

 Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational. Okay. Never mind. Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.

 Okay. Never mind. Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.

 Okay. Never mind. Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you. Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know. Why would you do that?

 Look, I’m sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you. Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know. Why would you do that?

 Well, I told people at work that she’s pregnant. She wasn’t ready for them to know. Why would you do that?

 You believe me? Oh, good. 11 more chumps like you, I’ll have the jury eating out of my hand.

 I never realized this building was classified. Maybe that’s because it’s classified. Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space. The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.

 Maybe that’s because it’s classified. Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space. The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.

 Wish we weren’t so far from my parking space. The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that’s a good thing.

 I guess this is it.  Is that a retinal scanner? Let’s find out. Howard Wolowitz, access granted.

 Is that a retinal scanner? Let’s find out. Howard Wolowitz, access granted.

 Impressive. Oh, my turn, my turn. Leonard Hofstadter, access granted. I didn’t even have to take my glasses off/

 Oh, my turn, my turn. Leonard Hofstadter, access granted. I didn’t even have to take my glasses off/

 Leonard Hofstadter, access granted. I didn’t even have to take my glasses off/

 Oh, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic by-products of the day’s thoughts. What? It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all. Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.

 What? It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all. Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.

 It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all. Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere.

 It’s called sleep and it’s my bedtime. Nighty-night, y’all. Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere. We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you. I know, I was there.

 Hey, hey, hey, you’re not going anywhere. We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you. I know, I was there.

 We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you. I know, I was there.

 We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you. I know, I was there. Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights. How late?

 I know, I was there. Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights. How late?

 Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights. How late?

 Well, wake up, we’re gonna put in a lot of late nights. How late? Well, I don’t know, midnight, one. One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.

 How late? Well, I don’t know, midnight, one. One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.

 Well, I don’t know, midnight, one. One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon.

 Well, I don’t know, midnight, one. One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon. If you’re tired, have some coffee. What? You have some coffee.

 One o’clock? I’m not a raccoon. If you’re tired, have some coffee. What? You have some coffee.

 If you’re tired, have some coffee. What? You have some coffee. I am having coffee. And look how irritable it’s making you!

 What? You have some coffee. I am having coffee. And look how irritable it’s making you!

 Oh, I had a good dream that when I carried you to bed, I let your head hit the wall and I laughed. Good morning. What is this? Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.

 Good morning. What is this? Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.

 What is this? Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.

 Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together.

 Well, we didn’t see you last night, we’re not gonna see you today, so we thought we could have breakfast together. Oh, that is so nice. Ow, it does hurt. So, what are you guys gonna do today?

 Oh, that is so nice. Ow, it does hurt. So, what are you guys gonna do today?

 Oh, I’ll go. I like a party. Well, to be honest, it’s not like a party party, it’s more like a gathering where scientists of different disciplines get together to share their work and keep current on what’s going on in other fields. I don’t know why I called it a party, sorry. It’s okay, I’ll still go. You don’t think you’ll be bored?

 Well, to be honest, it’s not like a party party, it’s more like a gathering where scientists of different disciplines get together to share their work and keep current on what’s going on in other fields. I don’t know why I called it a party, sorry. It’s okay, I’ll still go. You don’t think you’ll be bored?

 How can you be embarrassed around me? I’m gonna be in the room with you when you give birth. I don’t think you are. You didn’t think I was gonna be in your kitchen this morning, yet here I am.

 I don’t think you are. You didn’t think I was gonna be in your kitchen this morning, yet here I am.

 You didn’t think I was gonna be in your kitchen this morning, yet here I am.

 Psst, hey, kid. Huh, what? You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it. Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.

 Huh, what? You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it. Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.

 You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it. Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them.

 You look tired. Why don’t you have an energy drink? Everyone’s doing it. Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them. Oh sorry, I thought you were cool. I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.

 Oh, no, thank you, those have caffeine in them. Oh sorry, I thought you were cool. I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.

 Oh sorry, I thought you were cool. I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin.

 Oh sorry, I thought you were cool. I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin. All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these. Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?

 I am cool. This is Yoo-hoo, chocolate milk’s delicious watery cousin. All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these. Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?

 All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these. Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?

 All right. But if you ever want to feel like you have superpowers, try one of these. Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals? You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch. I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.

 Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals? You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch. I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.

 You bet. You know why Hulk is so strong? Steroids. You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights? Scotch. I am facing a great deal of work. And I do like things better when famous people also like them.

 Not every girl dreams about being a mom. Sometimes you think you’re never gonna have kids and one day you wake up and you’re pregnant. And it doesn’t matter that your career’s going great right now and that you and your husband never even got to go anywhere taped to a dog. I skipped spin class for this.

 Mm, actually, I think Sheldon’s popular because he’s dating you. Now Sheldon’s popular? What is happening?

 According to the world’s worst cuckoo clock, it’s two. My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever. Why don’t you just go home? No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.

 My head hurts and I’m more tired than ever. Why don’t you just go home? No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.

 Why don’t you just go home? No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no.

 Why don’t you just go home? No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no. What? I want another one.

 No, I can do this. I just, I just need another energy drink. Oh, no. What? I want another one.

 What? I want another one. So? That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.

 I want another one. So? That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency.

 So? That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency. You only had one. No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.

 That’s a craving. That’s a sign of chemical dependency. You only had one. No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.

 You only had one. No, I know, but plenty of things are addictive after a single exposure. I mean, crack cocaine, nicotine, Pringles. You know once one pops one just can’t stop.

 You can’t develop a problem that fast. You want to bet? Oh, great, now I’m addicted to gambling. We can’t afford to lose any more time. Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?

 You want to bet? Oh, great, now I’m addicted to gambling. We can’t afford to lose any more time. Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?

 We can’t afford to lose any more time. Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?

 Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?

 We can’t afford to lose any more time. Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him? That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together? I’m sorry. Yes, of course.

 Well, this probably won’t work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him? That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together? I’m sorry. Yes, of course.

 That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together? I’m sorry. Yes, of course.

 That’s not helpful. It’s fun to think about, but it’s not helpful. Hey, Sheldon, we are on a serious time crunch. We can’t do this without you. Can you please pull it together? I’m sorry. Yes, of course. Thank you. Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.

 I’m sorry. Yes, of course. Thank you. Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.

 Thank you. Just, please, bear with me if I display symptoms of caffeine withdrawal.

 You know, I had no idea Caltech is exactly like my high school. Well, it’s not exactly like it. We’re all extremely smart. Wow, you popular girls are mean.

 Well, it’s not exactly like it. We’re all extremely smart. Wow, you popular girls are mean.

 I’m gonna get some coffee. You want some? Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track? Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem. I do.

 Uh, you’re really going to have caffeine in front of me when I’m trying to get my life back on track? Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem. I do.

 Uh, okay, let’s pretend you do have a problem. I do. You don’t. Yeah, but I do.

 You don’t. Yeah, but I do. No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it? With what?

 Yeah, but I do. No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it? With what?

 No, you don’t. But let’s say you do. And don’t say you do, because you don’t. Now, wouldn’t you think that throwing yourself into your work would be the best way to deal with it? With what?

 Once, I was supposed to babysit my brothers. Our neighbour found them naked in the backyard eating crickets. Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.

 Happy and well-fed. You see, that’s what I’m taking from that story.

 Is it about the rotational symmetries you should be figuring out or your fake caffeine problem? Howard, can I ask you a question? No. All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…

 Howard, can I ask you a question? No. All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…

 No. All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum…

 No. All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum… Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care. You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.

 All right, I’ll just toss this out to the room. Um, I was thinking that the best way to fight my addiction is by weaning myself off in steps. Now, I couldn’t find a caffeine patch, but I did find what claims to be a mind-boosting caffeine suppository. You know, the interesting fact about the rectum… Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care. You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.

 Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care. You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator.

 Sheldon. We are dealing with an impossible deadline from the Air Force because of you. So have an energy drink, don’t have an energy drink. Order suppositories and shove ’em wherever you want, I don’t care. You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator. Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it. I can’t.

 You don’t shove them. They come with an easy-glide applicator. Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it. I can’t.

 Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it. I can’t.

 Right. Listen to me. We can’t do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it. I can’t. Yes, you can. No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.

 I can’t. Yes, you can. No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.

 Yes, you can. No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing.

 Yes, you can. No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing. Seriously? I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

 No, I can’t figure out the math. I’ve been racking my brain for days, and I’ve got nothing. Seriously? I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

 Seriously? I can’t do it. I’m not as smart as I think I am. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

 Right. Sorry, sir. He said start with it, not end with it. Sir. Hmm?

 All right. That’s it? You’re okay with that? What, you think you’re the first government contractor who isn’t gonna deliver on time? We’re still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies. Thanks for understanding, sir.

 That’s it? You’re okay with that? What, you think you’re the first government contractor who isn’t gonna deliver on time? We’re still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies. Thanks for understanding, sir.

 What, you think you’re the first government contractor who isn’t gonna deliver on time? We’re still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies. Thanks for understanding, sir.

 And we live with Sheldon, so the word inconvenience has really lost all meaning. So, technically, I’d be moving in with my boyfriend? I guess so. And I’d finally get to live alone with my husband. Oh, my, this is a big step.

 So, technically, I’d be moving in with my boyfriend? I guess so. And I’d finally get to live alone with my husband. Oh, my, this is a big step.

 I guess so. And I’d finally get to live alone with my husband. Oh, my, this is a big step.

 It’s only for five weeks. Yeah, and we’ll be right across the hall. What do you think? I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?

 Yeah, and we’ll be right across the hall. What do you think? I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?

 What do you think? I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance?

 I don’t know. What if living together kills the romance? Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that. Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven. You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.

 Okay, you guys had sex one whole time. Nothing can put out a fire like that. Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven. You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.

 Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven. You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months.

 Yeah, but what happens when we each get a peek behind the curtain? I mean, she’s never even seen me unshaven. You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months. Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility? Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.

 You just shaved yesterday. You’re good for three months. Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility? Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.

 Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end date, isn’t it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility? Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk.

 Don’t try luring me in with sexy talk. Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same. If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it. Don’t be proud of that.

 Okay. Star Trek, the original series, the Enterprise was on a five-year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five-week mission to do the same. If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it. Don’t be proud of that.

 If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it. Don’t be proud of that.

 If you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that’s how you do it. Don’t be proud of that. So, is that a yes? Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.

 Don’t be proud of that. So, is that a yes? Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.

 So, is that a yes? Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment.

 Not yet. How will I learn if I’m comfortable living with Amy or just comfortable because I’m in my own apartment? Now, if this experiment is going to be valid, I suggest a neutral environment. Well, where would you go? Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.  And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914

 Well, where would you go? Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.  And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914

 Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.  And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914

 Well, ideally, an enclosed, self-sustaining biodome in New Mexico, where we would eat crops fertilized with our own waste.  And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here? Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.

 And you were worried about the romance. 00:03:18,914 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here? Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.

 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here? Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here.

 Wait. Why don’t you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here? Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here. That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over. Historically, I don’t do well with change.

 Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I’d need to knock every time I came over here. That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over. Historically, I don’t do well with change.

 That’s a good question. Maybe just don’t come over. Historically, I don’t do well with change.

 Historically, I don’t do well with change. Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone. You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom. Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.

 Okay, it won’t be that bad. We wouldn’t even sit in your spot while you’re gone. You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom. Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.

 You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom. Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone.

 You’re darn right, you wouldn’t. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom. Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone. Sheldon, what do you think? Very well. I’m on board.

 Just nod and smile. He’s almost gone. Sheldon, what do you think? Very well. I’m on board.

 Sheldon, what do you think? Very well. I’m on board. Seriously? Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.

 Very well. I’m on board. Seriously? Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.

 Seriously? Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.

 What? This is not a problem, okay? If you don’t want to know, I don’t have to tell you. We don’t want you to know. Okay, well, that’s a problem.

 You know, I’m very proud of you for trying to live with Amy. Oh. Thank you. Mm.  Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.

 Oh. Thank you. Mm.  Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.

 Mm.  Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done.

 Mm.  Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done. That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me? Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?

 Of course, the ideal way to conduct this experiment would be with four pairs of identical Sheldons and Amys. One pair that was neither dating nor living together. One pair that was dating but not living together. One pair that was living together but not dating. And then, of course, one pair that was living together and dating. Although, with that many Sheldons, it’d be such a party, we’d never get anything done. That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me? Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?

 That was a cute story. So, um, what did you want to ask me? Well, you’ve lived with your significant other for some time. I would like this experiment to go well. Are there any insights you can share?

 You’re gonna be seeing each other a lot, so respect each other’s personal space. He startles easily, so, please, no flash photography.

 I don’t know. I didn’t count. You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant. That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that? Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.

 You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant. That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that? Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.

 That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that? Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain.

 That’s me. Listen, you and I are gonna be sharing a bed. You know, this is uncharted territory for both of us. How are you feeling about that? Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain. Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it. Okay. Talk.

 Oh, excited, concerned, a little scared. All the same emotions I feel in line at Space Mountain. Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it. Okay. Talk.

 Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it. Okay. Talk.

 Well, if you’re nervous about the sleeping arrangements, maybe we should talk about it. Okay. Talk. Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.  Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. 

 Okay. Talk. Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.  Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. 

 Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.  Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it. 

 Well, I imagine one of your concerns might be coital expectations.  Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it.  Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it. You’re really okay with that?

 Wow, no foreplay or anything, just right to it.  Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it. You’re really okay with that?

 Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it. You’re really okay with that?

 Look, I know this experiment is a big step outside of your comfort zone. So why don’t we take being physical off the table and maybe later on, once we’re more settled in, we can revisit it. You’re really okay with that? I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too. This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.

 You’re really okay with that? I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too. This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.

 I’ve never lived with someone, either. This is a lot for me, too. This is such a relief. Honestly, if it didn’t get you all worked up, I’d kiss you right now.

 Good call. Seeing your Teen Titans underwear really got my motor running. I know. They probably shouldn’t sell those to children.

 Enjoy having the place to yourselves. You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before. Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.

 You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before. Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.

 It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before. Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional.

 It’s Penny’s bedroom. Plenty of men have gone before. Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional. Shall we? I guess this is it.

 Now, now, there’s no need to make this emotional. Shall we? I guess this is it.

 Shall we? I guess this is it. You guys have fun. You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.

 I guess this is it. You guys have fun. You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.

 You guys have fun. You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed.

 You guys have fun. You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed. Yeah, you wrote it on my hand. Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.

 You, too. Oh, don’t forget. Tuesday the air filters need to be changed. Yeah, you wrote it on my hand. Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.

 Yeah, you wrote it on my hand. Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit.

 Yeah, you wrote it on my hand. Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit. I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together. Leonard, please, let me go.

 Oh. Oh, and every other day, check the water level on the avocado pit. I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together. Leonard, please, let me go.

 I’m on it. 15 years from now, we’ll make guacamole together. Leonard, please, let me go.

 Doesn’t matter to me. Your choice. No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose. Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want. Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.

 No, no, we’re living together now, everything’s equal. You know? I know that I have a tendency to be controlling, so I would rather you choose. Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want. Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.

 Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want. Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that.

 Well, Sheldon, I really appreciate that, but these things mean more to you than they do to me, so whatever you want. Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that. Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate. Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?

 Well, clearly, it’s not whatever I want, because what I want is for you to make this decision, and you refuse to do that. Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate. Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?

 Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate. Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic?

 Well, I’m not refusing. I’m just trying to be considerate. Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic? Sheldon, will you please just pick a side? Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.

 Like when you let me get those shoes with the wheels on the bottom, and then watched me roll right into traffic? Sheldon, will you please just pick a side? Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.

 Sheldon, will you please just pick a side? Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency.

 Sheldon, will you please just pick a side? Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency. Great. That’s your side. No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.

 Fine. Okay. Now, on this side, I am closer to the exit in case of emergency. Great. That’s your side. No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.

 Great. That’s your side. No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack.

 Great. That’s your side. No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack. Okay, I’ll take that side. Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?

 No, but I’m also closer to the entrance in case of attack. Okay, I’ll take that side. Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?

 Okay, I’ll take that side. Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me?

 Okay, I’ll take that side. Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me? Rising rapidly. Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.

 Ah, then again, what are the odds of someone attacking me? Rising rapidly. Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.

 Rising rapidly. Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.

 Rising rapidly. Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep. Okay. What if we do this? I suppose that works.

 Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep. Okay. What if we do this? I suppose that works.

 But how delightful was it when I pulled out a bouquet at the end of those scarves? It’ll be the same thing when the doctor pulls a beautiful surprise out of you. Everyone said I could do better. But you didn’t listen, and presto change-o, my baby’s inside you. Ta-da.

 Everyone said I could do better. But you didn’t listen, and presto change-o, my baby’s inside you. Ta-da.

 But you didn’t listen, and presto change-o, my baby’s inside you. Ta-da.

 Ugh. What is that? (Entering) Why did you switch sides? Be grateful I’m still in the room. Comfy? Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.

 Be grateful I’m still in the room. Comfy? Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.

 Comfy? Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers.

 Comfy? Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers. Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling. Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.

 Oh, I’m just happy I don’t know what this memory foam remembers. Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling. Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.

 Sheldon? I know we took coitus off the table, but I was wondering how you feel about other forms of intimacy, such as snuggling. Well, it’s funny you should ask, because I was wondering how you’d feel about separating the two of us with a pillow wall.

 I feel like I pulled something. Why didn’t you tell me to stop? Even more not what you think. I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him. If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.

 Even more not what you think. I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him. If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.

 I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him. If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.

 If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee.

 I don’t know if I can make it through five weeks living with him. If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee. Yeah. Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?

 If you ever need a break, the owner of the train store will let you leave him there while you get a coffee. Yeah. Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?

 Yeah. Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone?

 Yeah. Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone? Miserable and exhausted. Really? I slept great.

 Good morning. See? I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. I didn’t knock, but it’s fine. So, how is everyone? Miserable and exhausted. Really? I slept great.

 Miserable and exhausted. Really? I slept great. Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault. How? You had the whole floor to yourself.

 Really? I slept great. Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault. How? You had the whole floor to yourself.

 Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault. How? You had the whole floor to yourself.

 Well, I didn’t, and it’s your fault. How? You had the whole floor to yourself. Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea. Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?

 How? You had the whole floor to yourself. Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea. Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?

 Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea. Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data?

 Sheldon, maybe living together is a bad idea. Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data? The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night. Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.

 Well, but what kind of scientists would we be, drawing a conclusion after only 12 hours of data? The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night. Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.

 The kind who almost put a pillow over your face last night. Wow. I anticipated we’d have problems, but I never thought your scientific rigour would be one of them.

 Eh. Oh. What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables. How dare you?

 Oh. What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables. How dare you?

 What would a theoretical physicist understand about an experiment anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t know a confounding variable if two of them hit you in the face at the same time. And you don’t even get that joke, ’cause you don’t even work with confounding variables. How dare you?

 Whoa, whoa! Now you’re making fun of my bona fides? Can’t make fun of something that’s a null set. I feel like I should say damn. Do it.

 Can’t make fun of something that’s a null set. I feel like I should say damn. Do it.

 I feel like I should say damn. Do it. Damn.  Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

 Do it. Damn.  Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

 Damn.  Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started.

 Damn.  Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started. Well, for science, maybe I will. For science, maybe you should.

 Well, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started. Well, for science, maybe I will. For science, maybe you should.

 Well, for science, maybe I will. For science, maybe you should.

 Well, for science, maybe I will. For science, maybe you should. Fine. Fine.

 Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad? The new neighbours are weird.

 Believe me, we know what you’re going through. And I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies. Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.

 And I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies. Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.

 Mm-hmm. Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.

 Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way and I’m willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.

 Well, she wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes. So then what are you doing here buying comic books? Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.

 So then what are you doing here buying comic books? Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.

 Well, he wants us to spend more time together before the baby comes.

 Well I’m open to that. Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder. Sheldon, what do you say to that? I think we should see other people.

 Okay. Well, for starters, there’s nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder. Sheldon, what do you say to that? I think we should see other people.

 Sheldon, what do you say to that? I think we should see other people.

 Sheldon, what do you say to that? I think we should see other people. What? Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.

 I think we should see other people. What? Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.

 What? Well, as a male, I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA. Restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.

 You’re so weird. You know what’s weird? How turned on you are right now.

 As you? Yes. Just as challenging as you? When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto 

 Yes. Just as challenging as you? When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto 

 Just as challenging as you? When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto 

 Just as challenging as you? When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto  Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal. She’s always complaining about people at work.

 When we’re sleeping, she breathes on me. One night, it got so bad I almost grabbed Toto  Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal. She’s always complaining about people at work.

 Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal. She’s always complaining about people at work.

 Leonard breathes on me, too. It’s not a big deal. She’s always complaining about people at work. Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world. Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?

 She’s always complaining about people at work. Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world. Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?

 Well, so does Leonard. It’s kind of annoying, but it’s not the end of the world. Do you know that when I get out of the shower, she eyes me up and down like I’m a piece of meat?

 What? They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought I was a raccoon. I told you raccoons don’t say uh-oh.

 They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought I was a raccoon. I told you raccoons don’t say uh-oh.

 You know, one night, Leonard’s nose whistled so loud, I swear it was like sleeping on a train track. Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat? Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car. If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.

 Have you noticed it’s always an A-flat? Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car. If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.

 Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car. If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.

 Is it? Oh. It’s like his sinuses are right here in the car. If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream. Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream. Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.

 If we’re just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream. Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream. Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.

 Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream. Well, see, why can’t Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she’s Gloria Steinem. Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlour will be a good place to meet other women.

 Of course you do. And if he doesn’t like it, he can move back here. Oh. He can try. He’d just need a good locksmith.

 And if he doesn’t like it, he can move back here. Oh. He can try. He’d just need a good locksmith.

 Well, who you gonna hit on? The girl in front of us got strawberry. That’s your favourite. No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry. What about the girl behind the counter? Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.

 No. No, if we both like it, I’ll spend the rest of my life opening the freezer and going, aw, no strawberry. What about the girl behind the counter? Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.

 What about the girl behind the counter? Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other.

 What about the girl behind the counter? Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other. Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone? You are truly wise.

 Hmm? Well, she spends her whole day scooping. One arm’s probably bigger than the other. Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone? You are truly wise.

 Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone? You are truly wise.

 Is it possible you might not actually want to meet someone? You are truly wise. Thank you. I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.

 You are truly wise. Thank you. I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.

 Thank you. I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there.

 Thank you. I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there. All right. Come on. What is really going on with you? Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.

 I’d say wise beyond your years, but you’re getting up there. All right. Come on. What is really going on with you? Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.

 All right. Come on. What is really going on with you? Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone.

 All right. Come on. What is really going on with you? Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone. All right. I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.

 Penny, I am going to tell you a story that I’ve never told anyone. All right. I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.

 All right. I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college.

 All right. I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college. Not relating. Go on. I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.

 I was 13 years old, and on spring break from college. Not relating. Go on. I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.

 Not relating. Go on. I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me.

 Not relating. Go on. I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me. Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay. My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.

 I came home early because they ran out of math to teach me. Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay. My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.

 Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay. My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.

 Oh, now I’m with ya. Okay. My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman. Oh, that’s awful. I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first

 My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents’ bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman. Oh, that’s awful. I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first

 Oh, that’s awful. I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first

 Oh, that’s awful. I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first Well, what happened with your dad? We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.

 I know. It’s also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first Well, what happened with your dad? We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.

 Well, what happened with your dad? We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it.

 Well, what happened with your dad? We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it. You poor thing. Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.

 We locked eyes, I ran to my room, and we never, ever spoke of it. You poor thing. Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.

 You poor thing. Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to.

 You poor thing. Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to. And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did? Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

 Since Amy and I have been living together, we’ve been bickering like my parents used to. And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did? Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

 And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did? Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

 And you’re afraid you’re gonna do something like your dad did? Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road. Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women. Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.

 Yes. I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road. Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women. Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.

 Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women. Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.

 Down the road? Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you’re at an ice cream parlour trying to pick up women. Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone. Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now? I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.

 Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone. Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now? I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.

 Honey, instead of worrying about pain you might cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you’re causing her right now? I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I should apologize to you, as well.

 I wanted to apologize for my behaviour today. It, it was unnecessary. This is warm. Oh, and also, I am willing to forego the bathroom schedule. Oh. Really? Why does she get that? We never got that. Do you want him back?

 Oh. Really? Why does she get that? We never got that. Do you want him back?

 Why does she get that? We never got that. Do you want him back?

 I guess it wouldn’t hurt to meet some fans and make a little extra money. Yeah. Wow, An appearance by George Lucas… ‘s dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph. Oh, yeah.

 Yeah. Wow, An appearance by George Lucas… ‘s dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph. Oh, yeah.

 You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over. We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging. You know what I meant. All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

 We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging. You know what I meant. All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

 You know what I meant. All right, fine. Let’s say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it’s not a West Coast party, ’cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don’t stop.

 Oh, I don’t even know. I just liked his name. Theo Sassler. Okay, and look at this. I even got a change maker. How much change you want, little lady? Oh, there’s so much I want to change. Yeah, well, if it’s a dollar, you’re in luck.

 Oh, there’s so much I want to change. Yeah, well, if it’s a dollar, you’re in luck.

 What’s going on here? You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch. Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming? Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch. Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming? Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming? Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.

 Well, that’s so nice. Who’s coming? Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs. You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor? Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

 Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs. You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor? Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

 You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor? Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.

 You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor? Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious. That’s an odd mix of people. Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

 Yes. Oh, fun story, she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious. That’s an odd mix of people. Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

 That’s an odd mix of people. Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.

 That’s an odd mix of people. Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station. You never went into that haunted house. You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

 Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station. You never went into that haunted house. You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

 You never went into that haunted house. You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

 You never went into that haunted house. You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station. Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise. Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

 You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station. Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise. Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

 Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise. Oh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I’m great at surprises.

 That’ll be four seventy-five. Keep the change. But I-I-I, oh. Nothing about that was good.

 Been 15 minutes. Just sayin’. Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up. I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa. How old was it

 Okay. I can do this. Just give me a moment… Oh! Mimosas coming up. I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa. How old was it

 I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa. How old was it

 I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa. How old was it It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it. Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?

 How old was it It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it. Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?

 It’s hard to say. I don’t remember much after I drank it. Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?

 TV, good. Now back to you. Hey, guys. Hi, Stuart. These are for you.

 I lived with my old girlfriend. She was a geologist, too. Things didn’t work out? I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks. My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.

 Things didn’t work out? I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks. My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.

 I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I’m warning you, hide your good rocks. My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven.

 My sister’s husband took all her things, too. Story at eleven. Really, no one else is coming? This is it. You are the practice round. Practice round? For-for what?

 Really, no one else is coming? This is it. You are the practice round. Practice round? For-for what?

 This is it. You are the practice round. Practice round? For-for what?

 This is it. You are the practice round. Practice round? For-for what? Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of. You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

 Practice round? For-for what? Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of. You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

 Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of. You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.

 Uh, no. He, he just means that you were the first people we thought of. You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks. So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over? Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

 You know, exactly. We’ve never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks. So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over? Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

 So, I’m like a lab rat before your real friends come over? Hmm. You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry. Help me out here, this is not where I shine.

 I’m in too much pain to watch cartoo… oh, this is a good one. I’ve been babysitting him way longer than you have. Fine. I’ll buy the stupid van.

 I’ve been babysitting him way longer than you have. Fine. I’ll buy the stupid van.

 You know what, I, I, I think I’m just gonna go. No, Stuart, don’t. No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels? We’re so sorry.

 No, Stuart, don’t. No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels? We’re so sorry.

 No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels? We’re so sorry.

 No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I’m not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels? We’re so sorry. I’m always the last one anybody thinks of. Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

 We’re so sorry. I’m always the last one anybody thinks of. Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

 I’m always the last one anybody thinks of. Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority.

 I’m always the last one anybody thinks of. Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority. Bye. Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. 

 Well, no, that’s not true. I mean, sometimes it’s Koothrappali. But we’re not supposed to say that ’cause he’s a minority. Bye. Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. 

 Bye. Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out. 

 Bye. Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out.  I know how it feels, too. All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

 Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out.  I know how it feels, too. All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

 I know how it feels, too. All right, this is about me and him, you’re not part of it. Stuart, perhaps we do take you for granted, and that is not acceptable. Please know that you truly are a valuable member of our social group.

 Hmm? Your handwriting is impeccable. Thank you for noticing. No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

 Your handwriting is impeccable. Thank you for noticing. No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

 Thank you for noticing. No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker.

 Thank you for noticing. No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker. You know what I love about you? Hmm?

 No, I mean it. I mean it. It’s like you have the soul of a label maker. You know what I love about you? Hmm?

 You know what I love about you? Hmm? You never leave the house without a paper clip. You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

 Hmm? You never leave the house without a paper clip. You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

 You never leave the house without a paper clip. You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

 You never leave the house without a paper clip. You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner. I also love how you never use swear words. You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

 You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner. I also love how you never use swear words. You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

 I also love how you never use swear words. You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without ’em.

 Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away. Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these. You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.

 What fills my heart and makes my eyes moist? Sending a flag up a pole on a hoist.  Fun with flags, fun with flags. Oh say can you see, it’s fun with flags. Fun with flags. 

 Fun with flags, fun with flags. Oh say can you see, it’s fun with flags. Fun with flags. 

 Oh say can you see, it’s fun with flags. Fun with flags.  As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.  Who haven’t learned their place yet.

 Fun with flags.  As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.  Who haven’t learned their place yet.

 As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.  Who haven’t learned their place yet.

 As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.  Who haven’t learned their place yet. We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment. Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.

 Who haven’t learned their place yet. We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment. Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.

 We’re also coming to you live from a different apartment. Dr. Fowler and I began an experiment in living together after her apartment became water damaged. This is our friend Penny’s place. You may remember her from our episode, Flags and the People Who Don’t Understand Them.

 What do you mean? Well, they finished the work early, but she’s been telling Sheldon they’re behind schedule. So, she’s just been lying to him? Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.

 Well, they finished the work early, but she’s been telling Sheldon they’re behind schedule. So, she’s just been lying to him? Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.

 So, she’s just been lying to him? Well, you’ve lied to Sheldon.

 Aw, you think you have an audience, that’s funny. We don’t get paid? Nothing? Not even a sandwich? It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything? Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.

 We don’t get paid? Nothing? Not even a sandwich? It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything? Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.

 It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything? Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress.

 It’s almost dinner time. You in the mood for anything? Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress. Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone. So?

 Yeah, we could get Thai food near your apartment and then drop in and check on the progress. Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone. So?

 Oh, you don’t want do that, it’s a construction zone. So? Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks? I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.

 So? Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks? I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.

 Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks? I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack.

 Well, what about your fear of stray nails and butt cracks? I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack. Anyway, how about dinner? You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.

 I am terrified of stepping on a nail and falling into a butt crack. Anyway, how about dinner? You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.

 Anyway, how about dinner? You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain.

 Anyway, how about dinner? You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain. Thanks, but you don’t have to. Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.

 You know, if you’d like, I could call your landlord and complain. Thanks, but you don’t have to. Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.

 Thanks, but you don’t have to. Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold.

 Thanks, but you don’t have to. Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold. Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner? Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?

 Oh, I don’t mind, I’m very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d complain about what a stupid sport it is and then I’d take home the gold. Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner? Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?

 Good stuff. So, uh, what about dinner? Is it me, or are you purposely changing the subject?

 So their plan for saving the Earth from Armageddon is hoping a bunch of scientists can catch a ball? If we’re all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale? You’re awful quiet, everything okay? I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.

 If we’re all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale? You’re awful quiet, everything okay? I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.

 You’re awful quiet, everything okay? I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately.

 You’re awful quiet, everything okay? I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately. Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you? Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.

 I’m concerned about Amy. She’s acting a bit odd lately. Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you? Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.

 Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you? Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something.

 Oh. Well, just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you? Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something. I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work. Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.

 Her behaviour. No, I have the feeling that she’s hiding something. I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work. Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.

 I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work. Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.

 I wouldn’t worry about it. She’s probably just distracted by work. Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements. You heard him, guys, don’t ask. Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.

 Well, whatever it is, it’s troubling me. And I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. And don’t even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements. You heard him, guys, don’t ask. Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.

 You heard him, guys, don’t ask. Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her.

 You heard him, guys, don’t ask. Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her. Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago. I don’t understand.

 Why would she keep something from me, you know? I shared my body with that woman. And my Netflix password. They recommended Stella Got Her Groove Back because of her. Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago. I don’t understand.

 Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago. I don’t understand.

 Buddy, buddy, listen, nothing bad is going on, she just, she just didn’t want you to know that the work on her apartment was finished a couple weeks ago. I don’t understand. She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early. So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?

 I don’t understand. She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early. So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?

 She’s enjoying living with you and she didn’t want it to end early. So, she’s deceiving me in order to spend more time with me?

 Oh my God, that’s who you look like. Sheldon, this is not a big deal. It’s a little white lie, everyone does it. Not me, I’m a hundred percent honest in all of my relationships. And how single are you right now?

 Sheldon, this is not a big deal. It’s a little white lie, everyone does it. Not me, I’m a hundred percent honest in all of my relationships. And how single are you right now?

 Not me, I’m a hundred percent honest in all of my relationships. And how single are you right now?

 I’ll take that as a yes. She’s secretly been moving your collectibles into storage a little at a time and you haven’t noticed. Are you kidding me? See, I’ve known that for weeks, but, you know, I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.

 Are you kidding me? See, I’ve known that for weeks, but, you know, I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.

 See, I’ve known that for weeks, but, you know, I waited till the moment when it would cause him the most pain.

 Superman’s gone, my stormtrooper’s gone. Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone. I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month. It’s khoo-vakh. 

 Your Klingon word-of-the-day calendar’s gone. I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month. It’s khoo-vakh. 

 I’d say damn it in Klingon, but that wasn’t until next month. It’s khoo-vakh. 

 Eventually, I guess. Although, I am kind of curious how long she thinks she can keep hiding my stuff without me knowing. Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk. Oh, my God, I’m going blind. Hi.

 Hmm. You know, perhaps instead of confronting them, we should see how far they’re willing to spin their tangled webs. Like that Spider-Man action figure that used to be on your desk. Oh, my God, I’m going blind. Hi.

 Oh, my God, I’m going blind. Hi. Food’s here. Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?

 Hi. Food’s here. Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?

 Food’s here. Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment?

 Food’s here. Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment? Oh, uh, they’re still working on it. Interesting. Very interesting.

 Excellent. I’m very hungry. Speaking of which, what’s going on with your apartment? Oh, uh, they’re still working on it. Interesting. Very interesting.

 Oh, uh, they’re still working on it. Interesting. Very interesting.

 Oh, uh, they’re still working on it. Interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while. Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?

 Interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while. Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?

 Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while. Wait, uh, you saw her apartment?

 Yeah, we swung by her apartment on the way to the restaurant, and they’re gonna be fixing it for a while. Wait, uh, you saw her apartment? I did, still a mess. Leonard?

 Leonard? Yeah? jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?) jISovbe’ (I don’t know.)

 Yeah? jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?) jISovbe’ (I don’t know.)

 jlyajbe’. DaH nep’a’ Penny? (I don’t understand, is Penny lying?) jISovbe’ (I don’t know.)

 Why are you speaking English? This is ridiculous. Penny, do you remember when I taught you Ubbi Dubbi? Ubabsubolubutubly ubi duboo. Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?

 This is ridiculous. Penny, do you remember when I taught you Ubbi Dubbi? Ubabsubolubutubly ubi duboo. Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?

 Ubabsubolubutubly ubi duboo. Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing?

 Ubabsubolubutubly ubi duboo. Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing? Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble.  Oh, wait, stop that.

 Ubexcubellent. Duboes Shubeldubon knubow ubi’m lubyubing? Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble.  Oh, wait, stop that.

 Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble.  Oh, wait, stop that.

 Ubif Lubenubard tubold hubim, ubit’s pubossubibuble.  Oh, wait, stop that. You stop that. Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?)

 Oh, wait, stop that. You stop that. Dayaj’a’ (Do you understand them?)

 ghobe’ (No.) Qu’vatlh (Damn it.) Okay. That’s enough. You know what? What is going on? Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.

 Qu’vatlh (Damn it.) Okay. That’s enough. You know what? What is going on? Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.

 Okay. That’s enough. You know what? What is going on? Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.

 Fine, I told Sheldon that her apartment’s been finished, but then you just said it’s not, so now I’m all confused.

 I’m not really a part of this, so I’m just gonna dig in. And I’d like to know why you blabbed about my apartment. You’re up, blabby. Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.

 And I’d like to know why you blabbed about my apartment. You’re up, blabby. Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.

 You’re up, blabby. Amy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.

 I guess it’s okay. I’m sorry that I lied about my apartment. It’s all right. And? And what? Your wizard robes are next to go.

 It’s all right. And? And what? Your wizard robes are next to go.

 And? And what? Your wizard robes are next to go. Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together? Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

 And what? Your wizard robes are next to go. Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together? Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

 Now that everything’s out on the table, you, you think you two will keep living together? Despite recent events, I do consider our experiment in cohabitation to have been positive.

 Whatever. You know, if he moves across the hall for good, Leonard could keep the stuff you don’t like in Sheldon’s old room. Solves everything. That’s a great idea. Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.

 You know, if he moves across the hall for good, Leonard could keep the stuff you don’t like in Sheldon’s old room. Solves everything. That’s a great idea. Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.

 That’s a great idea. Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.

 That’s a great idea. Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den. That would be amazing. Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.

 Ooh, maybe I could turn it into a gaming den. That would be amazing. Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.

 That would be amazing. Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room.

 That would be amazing. Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room. But you won’t be living here. But that’s my room.

 Wuh wuh hold on, excuse me, that’s my room. But you won’t be living here. But that’s my room.

 But that’s my room. But you won’t be living here. But that’s my room. You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.

 But you won’t be living here. But that’s my room. You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.

 But that’s my room. You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.

 You guys might want to start eating. But you won’t be living here.

 Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours. But that’s my room. But you won’t be living here.

 Thank you for understanding. Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants. Good night. Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?

 Hey, I get it. Everybody wants to spend more time with me. I’m like a man made of sugar in a world of ants. Good night. Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?

 Good night. Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here?

 Good night. Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here? I don’t know. It, it could be.  Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.

 Night. If we did continue living together, would it be here? I don’t know. It, it could be.  Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.

 I don’t know. It, it could be.  Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment.

 I don’t know. It, it could be.  Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment. Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment. I hate your apartment.

 Of course there’s, there’s always your apartment. Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment. I hate your apartment.

 Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment. I hate your apartment.

 Sure, sure, we, we could live in my apartment. I hate your apartment. Sorry, you brought it up? Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.

 I hate your apartment. Sorry, you brought it up? Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.

 Sorry, you brought it up? Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena.

 Sorry, you brought it up? Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena. It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want. But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?

 Well, I suppose we could find a whole new place. You know, and, technically, we don’t even have to stay in Pasadena. We could, we could move to Altadena or a place that doesn’t even end in dena. It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want. But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?

 It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want. But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby?

 It’s kind of exciting. I mean we could do whatever we want. But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby? Yes. I’m not a child, don’t do that.

 But what if we move and we don’t like it? What if there’s a smoker in the building? Or pets? Or there could be mould? There could be traffic noise. I’m gonna have to learn a whole new bus route. Are you trying to soothe me by singing the Star Trek theme as a lullaby? Yes. I’m not a child, don’t do that.

 That candle and you. What about my robot poster? Uhbubububuh, I can make do with just the candle.

 What about my robot poster? Uhbubububuh, I can make do with just the candle.

 What’s going on? I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom. Can it be more of an internal struggle? I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.

 I’m struggling with the thought of leaving my old bedroom. Can it be more of an internal struggle? I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.

 Can it be more of an internal struggle? I need to see it. While I’m gone, don’t breathe on my pillow.

 Can we just focus on the decision I’m facing? We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless. Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard? Over my assless chaps you will.

 We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless. Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard? Over my assless chaps you will.

 Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard? Over my assless chaps you will.

 Gentlemen, please, this is a significant decision. Now, do Amy and I continue living together? Or do I move back in with Leonard? Over my assless chaps you will. This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy? Yes.

 Over my assless chaps you will. This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy? Yes.

 This isn’t complicated. Do you love Amy? Yes. Do you like living with her? Yes.

 Yes. Do you know what you need to do now? Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.

 Do you know what you need to do now? Apparently, figure this out on my own ’cause you guys are no help at all.

 Hi. Hello. What are you doing? I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.

 Hello. What are you doing? I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey.

 What are you doing? I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey. I understand. I’ll leave you be. What, you’re familiar with the reference?

 I’m just contemplating Buridan’s donkey. I understand. I’ll leave you be. What, you’re familiar with the reference?

 I understand. I’ll leave you be. What, you’re familiar with the reference?

 I understand. I’ll leave you be. What, you’re familiar with the reference? Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death. Exactly.

 What, you’re familiar with the reference? Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death. Exactly.

 Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death. Exactly.

 Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralysed by indecision and would starve to death. Exactly. Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant. Thank you.

 Exactly. Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant. Thank you.

 Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant. Thank you.

 Well, I wouldn’t want you to starve to death, so here’s an eggplant. Thank you. You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle. Really?

 Thank you. You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle. Really?

 You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle. Really?

 You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle. Really? Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink. Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.

 Really? Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink. Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.

 Although, in Aristotle’s example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink. Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that’s related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.

 It’s just a tiny skin sample. You saw me do it to myself. On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off. A two. Eating a whole Altoid?

 On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off. A two. Eating a whole Altoid?

 A two. Eating a whole Altoid? Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to. No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.

 Eating a whole Altoid? Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to. No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.

 Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to. No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.

 Sheldon, if I’m gonna synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I’ve done this dozens of times, but if you’re too scared you don’t have to. No, this is for science. I can be brave for science. Thank you. Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.

 No, this is for science. I can be brave for science. Thank you. Oh, jiminy, that’s cold.

 Thank you. Oh, jiminy, that’s cold. Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells. All right, just warn me before you do it.

 Oh, jiminy, that’s cold. Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells. All right, just warn me before you do it.

 Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells. All right, just warn me before you do it.

 Just think how happy you’ll be in a few weeks when I’ve converted our skin cells into functional brain cells. All right, just warn me before you do it. Okay. Three, two, and we’re done. You tricked me. You didn’t say one.

 All right, just warn me before you do it. Okay. Three, two, and we’re done. You tricked me. You didn’t say one.

 Okay. Three, two, and we’re done. You tricked me. You didn’t say one.

 Okay. Three, two, and we’re done. You tricked me. You didn’t say one. It didn’t hurt, did it? No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…

 You tricked me. You didn’t say one. It didn’t hurt, did it? No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…

 It didn’t hurt, did it? No, but three, two and we’re done is incomplete. You know those things bother me. It’s like hearing da-da-da-da-da-dah without yelling…

 Good luck with your, um, space exploration. Thank you. Good luck with your future endeavours.

 If you’d give me a minute, I’ll tell you. Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful. Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network. I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. 

 Oh, just let me look. Oh, my goodness. I see quivering black lines. Those must be neurons, oh, they’re so thick and beautiful. Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network. I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. 

 Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network. I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys. 

 Those are your eyelashes, move. Well, Sheldon, I see astrocytes. Our combined skin cells are now a primitive neural network. I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys.  These cells come from both of us. Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?

 I have such a profound sense of creation. I, it’s like when I hatched sea monkeys, except that this is from my DNA, so this is like me monkeys.  These cells come from both of us. Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?

 These cells come from both of us. Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it?

 These cells come from both of us. Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it? No reason we can’t start right now. What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s

 Yeah, but us monkeys doesn’t pop. Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, we monkeys, there you go. Hey, when can we start running tests on it? No reason we can’t start right now. What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s

 No reason we can’t start right now. What stimulus should we introduce it to first? Light, sound, temperature, oh, oh, let’s

 You know, most people don’t realize this technique has actually been around for a few years. Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells. Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit. Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.

 Still, I can’t believe you can turn ordinary skin cells into functioning brain cells. Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit. Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.

 Well, I turned this one into a functioning boyfriend, so sky’s the limit. Look, look, here I am standing next to the incubator. Uh, here is a microscopic view of the cells.

 Aw. Yeah, this little guy can already recognize electronically transmitted images 20% faster than any other sample in Amy’s lab. I’m running out of ways to act excited. So, enough about us, how are things going with you? Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.

 I’m running out of ways to act excited. So, enough about us, how are things going with you? Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.

 So, enough about us, how are things going with you? Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now.

 So, enough about us, how are things going with you? Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now. Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked. Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.

 Great, the doctor said the baby’s head is facing down now. Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked. Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.

 Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked. Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste.

 Good, you know, in case the exit isn’t clearly marked. Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste. Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl? Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

 Yeah, I have to say, it is nice to share this experience with someone who’s on the same journey. Although right now ours is testing off the charts while yours is floating around in its own waste. Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl? Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

 Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl? Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it.

 Are you actually comparing my human baby to your brain in a bowl? Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it. You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices. Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

 Well, I didn’t make you waddle up four flights of stairs for the heck of it. You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices. Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

 You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices. Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise.

 You do realize my baby has functioning organs and can recognize voices. Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise. Mine has a fully developed immune system. Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

 Yeah, but ours can recognize a specific data stream among background noise. Mine has a fully developed immune system. Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

 Mine has a fully developed immune system. Ours doesn’t need an immune system because it lives in a state-of-the-art German incubator.

 Good night, Rajesh. Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.

 Okay. I’ll leave. But just know, every time I come in here, I’ll be thinking of you.

 I’ve never seen results like this before. Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge. Aren’t you glad you participated in this? Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?

 Yeah, we need to stop for magnets on the way home, this is going right on the fridge. Aren’t you glad you participated in this? Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?

 Aren’t you glad you participated in this? Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is?

 Aren’t you glad you participated in this? Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is? Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results. Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.

 Oh, I am. And you realize what the next step is? Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results. Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.

 Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results. Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby.

 Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results. Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby. Make a baby? What are you talking about? Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!

 Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little and make a baby. Make a baby? What are you talking about? Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!

 Make a baby? What are you talking about? Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want!

 Make a baby? What are you talking about? Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want! Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby. Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.

 Clearly the combination of our DNA is exceptional. Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We’ll be able to get into any preschool we want! Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby. Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.

 Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby. Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.

 Sheldon, I’m not ready to have a baby. Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field. Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up. I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.

 Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you’re as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field. Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up. I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.

 Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up. I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me.

 Wow. I, I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up. I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me. Not right now. Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.

 I don’t understand. I thought you’d be thrilled to procreate with me. Not right now. Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.

 Not right now. Oh, I see what’s happening here. You’re playing hard to get.

 Yeah, but that’s just his Earth parents. We don’t know anything about the ones that sent him here. Well, we know they were smart enough to send him away. Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man.  Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.

 Well, we know they were smart enough to send him away. Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man.  Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.

 Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man.  Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some.

 Hey, you’re talking about the person I love and have been avoiding for the past three hours. Oh, man.  Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some. Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two. Well, hello.

 Ooh, Sheldon gonna get some. Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two. Well, hello.

 Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two. Well, hello.

 Well, have fun with whatever nightmare’s behind door number two. Well, hello. Hello. Would you care for a brandy?

 Hello. Would you care for a brandy? I don’t think so. Good choice, it’s disgusting.

 Would you care for a brandy? I don’t think so. Good choice, it’s disgusting.

 I don’t think so. Good choice, it’s disgusting. Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me. Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.

 Good choice, it’s disgusting. Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me. Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.

 Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me. Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs.

 Sheldon, please stop trying to seduce me. Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs. I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here. Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.

 Who’s trying to seduce you? After a long day I always turn on smooth jazz and spray deer musk on my inner thighs. I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here. Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.

 I thought it smelled like a petting zoo in here. Anything you’d like to pet? Not my hair. There’s a lot of goop in it.

 It was like being hit on by Rat Pack Pee-wee Herman. I’m sorry, is that a yes? No.  Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.

 I’m sorry, is that a yes? No.  Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.

 No.  Amy, I didn’t want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.

 Damn, the MacArthur Genius Grant. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Everything is stupid and I want to go home. That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.

 Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Everything is stupid and I want to go home. That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.

 Everything is stupid and I want to go home. That’s Sheldon’s way of saying he’s proud of Bert, too.

 Hey, it’s not even called the Genius Grant, it’s the MacArthur Fellowship. Just like it’s not Frankenstein, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster. Which brings us back to that hulking simpleton over there. And if anyone’s a genius, it’s me for the way I brought that full circle. How much money did he win? Over half a million dollars. Wow.

 Wow. And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it. Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under. Here he comes.

 And he doesn’t have to use it for research, he can do whatever he wants with it. Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under. Here he comes.

 Oh, good, maybe he can build a nicer bridge to live under. Here he comes.

 Do you? Hey, congratulations Bert. Yeah, good for you. That’s amazing.

 Yeah, good for you. That’s amazing. Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool. Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.

 That’s amazing. Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool. Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.

 Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool. Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story.

 Thanks. I was as surprised as anybody. When they called and told me I won, I didn’t believe them. And then they said, no, you really won. And then I said, cool. Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story. I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya. Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.

 Someone call George R. R. Martin, this guy knows how to finish a story. I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya. Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.

 I’ve gotten pretty good at telling it. Well, see ya. Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn’t even notice.

 Oh, I heard him interviewed on the radio. You know, when they told him he won, he didn’t believe it, but then he did believe it. It was so funny. Who listens to the radio any more? Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions. They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.

 Who listens to the radio any more? Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions. They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.

 Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions. They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.

 They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets.

 Bert is studying the way microbes in rocks can survive in extreme environmental conditions. They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets. You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets? You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.

 They say it could be a potential indicator of life on other planets. You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets? You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.

 You know what, I’ve met Bert. Isn’t he an indicator of life on other planets? You used to make those jokes about me. Now everything is Bert, Bert, Bert.

 Hey good lookin’, want to go for a spin? His eyes also light up in the dark.

 It’s like scrolling through the emojis on my phone. Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why. Sounds like the night we had coitus. I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.

 Yeh, why? Eh, why? Oh, that’s why. Sounds like the night we had coitus. I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.

 Sounds like the night we had coitus. I hope you’re happy making me read this. Bert’s work is remarkable, and I’m more upset than ever. This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer’s actually entertaining.

 Yeah, well I am angry. And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry. And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel? Ooh, ooh, ooh, angry? What are you doing? I, I knew the answer. I got excited.

 Ooh, ooh, ooh, angry? What are you doing? I, I knew the answer. I got excited.

 What are you doing? I, I knew the answer. I got excited. Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down. That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.

 I, I knew the answer. I got excited. Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down. That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.

 Hey, buddy, why don’t we go for a walk, so you can calm down. That’s a good idea. I guess everyone’s having them now.

 You laughed when that guy got hit in the nuts. I laughed because the guy was Leonard.

 Really, why? You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river. I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head. How did you deal with it?

 You’re happy with who you are. You don’t get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river. I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head. How did you deal with it?

 I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head. How did you deal with it?

 I couldn’t just take the compliment. I had to ask why. You know, I do understand what you’re feeling. My brother and sister’s accomplishments have always been held over my head. How did you deal with it? I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix. I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.

 How did you deal with it? I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix. I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.

 I wet the bed until college, but I don’t think that’s a quality fix. I can’t believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it? Leonard, I’m having a primal urge to throw this rock.

 Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you’re at it. Let it fly.

 Well, and what happened to you? Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s fine. You know, it’s one thing to be envious, but now you’re injuring yourself. It has to stop. Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.

 Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It’s fine. You know, it’s one thing to be envious, but now you’re injuring yourself. It has to stop. Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.

 You know, it’s one thing to be envious, but now you’re injuring yourself. It has to stop. Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.

 Although if you are gonna do it again, please let me know, so I can get it on video.

 You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You’ve got love, you’re in good health, you’ve got a roof over your head. Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you. Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices. You’re up.

 Yeah, but you’ve got all those things, and no one’s lining up to be you. Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices. You’re up.

 Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices. You’re up.

 Anybody else want to try? I’m gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices. You’re up. This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off. Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?

 You’re up. This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off. Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?

 This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off. Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?

 Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful? I do, your life is fine you big baby.  Maybe you’re right. Really?

 I do, your life is fine you big baby.  Maybe you’re right. Really?

 Maybe you’re right. Really? If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too. Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.

 Really? If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too. Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.

 If it helps, I’m questioning your life choices, too. Thank you, Penny. You know, I just need to keep reminding myself that Bert’s success is not my failure.

 That is hiwawious. Give me the wemote contwol, I want to dwive him into the girls’ westwoom. All right, we’re done. It’s offensive.

 Top of the afternoon, gentlemen. You’re in a good mood. Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself. Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?

 You’re in a good mood. Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself. Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?

 Well, it’s a new day. I have a new outlook. You know, I realized I don’t need to worry about other people. I just need to think more about myself. Oh, how will we ever get used to the new you?

 Well, I’m glad to see you moving forward. Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives. What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night? I think he might be learning on his own.

 Bert did quality research, and he deserves whatever accolades he receives. What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night? I think he might be learning on his own.

 What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night? I think he might be learning on his own.

 What is going on? Did you upgrade his software last night? I think he might be learning on his own. Then the robot uprising has begun. Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.

 I think he might be learning on his own. Then the robot uprising has begun. Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.

 Then the robot uprising has begun. Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations.

 Then the robot uprising has begun. Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations. He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him. Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.

 Excuse me, I need to pay Bert a proper congratulations. He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him. Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.

 He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him. Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved.

 He doesn’t just look like C-3PO, now he walks like him. Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved. Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great. Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.

 Bert? I wanted to let you know that I read your research, and your award is well-deserved. Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great. Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.

 Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great. Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too.

 Thanks. I’ve been hearing that a lot. Ever since I won, people think I’m great. Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too. You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year. Really? I didn’t know that.

 Well, just this once, you can count me as people, too. You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year. Really? I didn’t know that.

 You know, as a MacArthur Grant winner, I’m allowed to nominate someone for next year. Really? I didn’t know that.

 So I was thinking, you know, engineers don’t get a lot of respect. Is your friend Howard working on anything cool? You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again. Excuse me, I have to go take some pictures.

 You know, I’m not sure. You know, you’d have to ask him. Excuse me. (Off) Aah. Leonard, I hurt myself again. Excuse me, I have to go take some pictures.

 Oh, I don’t mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it would be like I’m walking with my grandma. Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this. Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma. I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. 

 Oh, no. A plaque? Nobody wants to see this. Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma. I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. 

 Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma. I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. 

 Well, change plaque to mixed-race couple and you are my grandma. I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert.  Come in. All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.

 I can’t take this any more. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert. (Knock, knock, knock) Bert.  Come in. All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk.

 Come in. All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk. What happened to you? Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.

 All right, let’s do this, Bert? We need to talk. What happened to you? Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.

 What happened to you? Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.

 What happened to you? Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success. Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for. I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.

 Rock, rock, water fountain. I am not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success. Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for. I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.

 Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for. I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened.

 Wow, I won the MacArthur Grant, everyone’s jealous of me. Once I get Lasik, I’ll be out of things to wish for. I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened. Is it working? No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.

 I was hoping by admitting my weakness to you, I’d somehow be unburdened. Is it working? No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.

 Is it working? No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever.

 Is it working? No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever. Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution. We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.

 No. Now that you know my weakness, I hate you more than ever. Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution. We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.

 Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution. We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go.

 Well, you know, we’re both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution. We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go. Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen? You know what? This isn’t gonna work.

 We, hang on, you’re my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I’m my own worst enemy. That makes you my friend. Okay, I’m good to go. Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen? You know what? This isn’t gonna work.

 Great. Now that we’re friends, want to see if we can get tickets to a taping of Ellen? You know what? This isn’t gonna work.

 Sheldon, wait. You know, you’ve got a lot to be happy about. You’re at the top of your field, you have a great girlfriend. Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t? It used to. But now that I’m rich and successful, I think I can do better.

 Yes, that’s right. I have Amy. In the past, you’ve professed feelings for her. Does it eat you up inside that I have her and you don’t? It used to. But now that I’m rich and successful, I think I can do better.

 It used to. But now that I’m rich and successful, I think I can do better.

 I didn’t punch him. He turned around, and I gave him a Captain Kirk karate chop. I’m not even sure he knows I did it. Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better. Hello, Sheldon. Professor Hawking.

 Hey, Sheldon, I’ve got someone here who might make you feel better. Hello, Sheldon. Professor Hawking.

 I understand you’re struggling with professional jealousy. Thanks, Leonard, now he’s not gonna think I’m cool. Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize. Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.

 Thanks, Leonard, now he’s not gonna think I’m cool. Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize. Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.

 Don’t worry, I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel Prize. Oh, wow, that doesn’t seem fair.

 How do you deal with the success of your colleagues? I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek. Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care. Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.

 I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek. Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care. Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.

 Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care. Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.

 Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant.

 Oh, it was a good one. He played poker with Sir Isaac, you don’t care. Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant. How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant? I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.

 Don’t waste your time on jealousy Sheldon, you’re too brilliant. How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant? I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.

 How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you’re brilliant? I can’t. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.

 What a wonderful idea, how does this man not have a Nobel? Do not tell Wolowitz. Way ahead of you.

 If we’re going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating? Oh, actually, I would. Great, what’d you have in mind? Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

 Oh, actually, I would. Great, what’d you have in mind? Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

 Great, what’d you have in mind? Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

 Great, what’d you have in mind? Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here. Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around. You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

 Let’s take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here. Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around. You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

 Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around. You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

 Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around. You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building. Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back. You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.

 You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building. Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back. You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.

 Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back. You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.

 Look, we can’t just throw away Penny’s stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back. You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork. Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody. It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

 You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork. Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody. It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

 Well, I’m sure she misses this one. I mean, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever given anybody. It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

 To give to you. But you like it so much. So do you. I seem to be losing.

 So do you. I seem to be losing. Yes, you do. You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

 I seem to be losing. Yes, you do. You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

 Yes, you do. You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

 Yes, you do. You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw? Why don’t you keep it? That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.

 You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw? Why don’t you keep it? That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.

 Why don’t you keep it? That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.

 Why don’t you keep it? That seems fair, we did just give you the painting. Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with. Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

 That seems fair, we did just give you the painting. Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with. Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

 Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with. Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

 Yeah, I don’t need anything around that I can stab myself with. Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant? Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash. Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

 Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant? Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash. Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

 Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash. Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

 Oh. Remember when we got this at Comic-Con? Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. It’s one of a kind.

 Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. It’s one of a kind.

 Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. It’s one of a kind.

 Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. It’s one of a kind. So if it breaks there’d be none of it? Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

 It’s one of a kind. So if it breaks there’d be none of it? Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

 So if it breaks there’d be none of it? Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

 So if it breaks there’d be none of it? Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do. So you think you should keep it? I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.

 Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do. So you think you should keep it? I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.

 So you think you should keep it? I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it.

 I’ll be right across the hall. You’ll probably be able to hear it. Keep the clock, Sheldon. Thank you. Thank you.

 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you? Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?

 Thank you? Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set? Let me guess, you want it. Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

 Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set? Let me guess, you want it. Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

 Let me guess, you want it. Well, no, I just didn’t think you’d want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

 You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don’t care. Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together. Well, now they’re yours. Leonard.

 Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together. Well, now they’re yours. Leonard.

 Well, now they’re yours. Leonard. Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his. For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

 Leonard. Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his. For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

 Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his. For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

 Well, you know what’s gonna happen, he’s just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his. For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess? Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things? It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.

 For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess? Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things? It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things? It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being a little selfish. Why don’t you let Leonard keep a few things? It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten. You know what? There is one thing I would like. Yeah, take whatever you want.

 It’s not my fault I’m bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten. You know what? There is one thing I would like. Yeah, take whatever you want.

 You know what? There is one thing I would like. Yeah, take whatever you want.

 You know what? There is one thing I would like. Yeah, take whatever you want. I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment. But you don’t even like flags.

 Yeah, take whatever you want. I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment. But you don’t even like flags.

 I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment. But you don’t even like flags.

 I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment. But you don’t even like flags. Yeah, I like this one. But I designed it.

 But you don’t even like flags. Yeah, I like this one. But I designed it.

 Yeah, I like this one. But I designed it. But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price. But you don’t even understand its symbolism.

 But I designed it. But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price. But you don’t even understand its symbolism.

 But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they’d jack up the price. But you don’t even understand its symbolism.

 Well, the new network name is ha ha ha, now I’ve got you, so it’s either Sheldon or Gargamel from The Smurfs. What a jerk. You’re good at revenge, how do we get him back? Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.

 What a jerk. You’re good at revenge, how do we get him back? Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.

 You’re good at revenge, how do we get him back? Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.

 Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that.

 You’re good at revenge, how do we get him back? Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that. Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back. Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.

 Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person’s boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I’m already doing that. Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back. Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.

 Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back. Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter.

 Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back. Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter. Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too. If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

 Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn’t Leonard Hofstadter. Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too. If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

 Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too. If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

 Sheldon, I’m warning you, I can play this game, too. If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned. All right, I tried. All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

 If it’s like your 3-D chess game, then you’re out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned. All right, I tried. All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

 All right, I tried. All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

 Yeah, well, maybe the village was too busy checking out the local Montessori school for the new arrival. You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We’ll pass, thank you. Do something, Batman.

 You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We’ll pass, thank you. Do something, Batman.

 Uh, can I help you? I don’t think so, but you’re sweet for asking. What, what are you doing in our apartment? Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

 I don’t think so, but you’re sweet for asking. What, what are you doing in our apartment? Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

 What, what are you doing in our apartment? Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

 Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

 What, what are you doing in our apartment? Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy. Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here. So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

 Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy. Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here. So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

 Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here. So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

 Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don’t know what he told you, but you can’t stay here. So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around. Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing?  My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

 So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you’ve met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They’re very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around. Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing?  My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

 Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing?  My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

 Sheldon, what do you think you’re doing?  My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night. It’s like the ’40s again. Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

 My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night. It’s like the ’40s again. Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

 It’s like the ’40s again. Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

 It’s like the ’40s again. Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them. All right, Sheldon, this is over the line. That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.

 Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he’s expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them. All right, Sheldon, this is over the line. That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.

 All right, Sheldon, this is over the line. That’s true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn’t be a man in your kitchen who can’t produce a single form of ID.

 Uh, Theodore, how long are you planning to stay exactly? Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought. This is ridiculous. I like the painting. Is that your mom?

 Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought. This is ridiculous. I like the painting. Is that your mom?

 This is ridiculous. I like the painting. Is that your mom? Sheldon, get out here. Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?

 I like the painting. Is that your mom? Sheldon, get out here. Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?

 Sheldon, get out here. Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running?

 Sheldon, get out here. Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running? We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me? I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

 Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I’m running? We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me? I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

 We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me? I’m being awful? You’re the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

 Why? I said I didn’t care. Excuse me. It’s none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love. Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you. Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

 Excuse me. It’s none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love. Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you. Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

 Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you. Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

 Well, I’m just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you’re in a new phase of your lives and it’s easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

 Well, for me, too. It’s not the same with you gone. If you’re looking for a new guy to live with. No.  We’re good, thank you.

 If you’re looking for a new guy to live with. No.  We’re good, thank you.

 No.  We’re good, thank you. So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay. Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

 We’re good, thank you. So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay. Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

 So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay. Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

 So, no one’s gonna tell me? Okay. Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions. Well, I’d like that, too.  In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

 Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions. Well, I’d like that, too.  In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

 Well, I’d like that, too.  In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I’m not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

 Sorry. I know you were just trying to help. I love you. I love you, too. We’re good.

 What’s wrong? It’s midnight. Happy birthday. Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning. This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 It’s midnight. Happy birthday. Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning. This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning. This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 Sheldon. Okay, you can have this back in the morning. This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies. I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this? A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

 This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch tape gives me the heebie-jeebies. I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this? A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

 I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this? A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped.

 I’ll put in on the list with peaches and felt. What is this? A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped. I love it. Thank you. And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

 A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I’d be ripped. I love it. Thank you. And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

 I love it. Thank you. And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

 I love it. Thank you. And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you. Sheldon. We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. 

 And it’s not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you. Sheldon. We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. 

 Sheldon. We seem to be moving on to the annual coitus portion of your birthday festivities. 

 I didn’t put on my come-hither plaid PJ’s for nothing. You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery. Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby. Come on, we’re going to the hospital.

 You hate Scotch tape, but you love Scotch plaid. You are a mystery. Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby. Come on, we’re going to the hospital.

 Guys, wake up. Bernadette’s having her baby. Come on, we’re going to the hospital.

 Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour. I’m sorry, that’s ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes? I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

 I’m sorry, that’s ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes? I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

 I’m just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

 Don’t come to the hospital. We’re headed home. Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out? We showed up too early. We’ll keep you posted. Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

 Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out? We showed up too early. We’ll keep you posted. Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

 We showed up too early. We’ll keep you posted. Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

 Okay, well, we’ll talk to you guys later. Bye. She said not to come. It’s gonna be a while.

 Well, it doesn’t matter. We’re not going to the hospital now. Are you sure? I’d really like to. Well, should we, uh, head back up? Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

 Are you sure? I’d really like to. Well, should we, uh, head back up? Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

 Well, should we, uh, head back up? Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

 Well while we’re all awake, why don’t we go to a diner or something?

 Uh. We could go to a bar. Well. Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.

 We could go to a bar. Well. Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex.

 Well. Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex. Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular! That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? 

 Okay, I can breathe again. Babe, they want to have sex. Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular! That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? 

 Oh, of course. The annual birthday booty spectacular! That’s a bit childish, isn’t it? 

 Raj. You were supposed to keep that to yourself. Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.

 You were supposed to keep that to yourself. Oh, yeah. I guess it is hard.

 So, where were we? Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly. I’m sorry. Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.

 Well, I believe we were kissing like randy teenagers, and your nose was whistling ever so slightly. I’m sorry. Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle.

 I’m sorry. Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle. Well, shall we start over? Very well.

 Oh, don’t be. You were like a foxy tea kettle. Well, shall we start over? Very well.

 Well, shall we start over? Very well. What’s wrong? I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

 Very well. What’s wrong? I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

 What’s wrong? I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

 What’s wrong? I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush. Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

 I’m not sure. Earlier tonight, things began organically, and now it’s feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush. Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

 Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush. Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them.

 Okay, that makes sense. I mean, the mood’s a little different now. We, we don’t have to rush. Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them. And the mood continues to change. No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

 Oh, I know, but just, Leonard and Penny think we’re doing it, and I don’t want to disappoint them. And the mood continues to change. No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

 And the mood continues to change. No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this.

 And the mood continues to change. No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this. Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track. Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

 No, and also, I don’t want to disappoint you. I, you know, come on, it’s your birthday. I can soldier through this. Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track. Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

 Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track. Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains?

 Hold on. I think I might have a little surprise that might help get things back on track. Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains? No. Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

 Intriguing. Is back on track a hint that it has something to do with trains? No. Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

 No. Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give…

 No. Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give… It’s not about trains. Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?

 Because if it did have to do with trains, and you were gonna give… It’s not about trains. Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?

 It’s not about trains. Not even a cozy sleeper car on the Orient Express?

 Maybe if we’re quiet, he’ll go away. You’re gonna have to be quieter than that.

 One second. All right, you can open your eyes. I thought I’d let Harry Potter make things hotter. Wowza. I got a Gryffindor robe for you. What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

 Wowza. I got a Gryffindor robe for you. What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

 I got a Gryffindor robe for you. What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me.

 I got a Gryffindor robe for you. What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me. I did. Am I in trouble? Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

 What, a Gryffindor sleeping with a Hufflepuff? How scandalous. You naughty girl, you went to the Wizarding World theme park without me. I did. Am I in trouble? Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

 I did. Am I in trouble? Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me.

 I did. Am I in trouble? Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me. Wait, what just happened? You know I’ve been wanting to go.

 Yes, you’re in trouble, you went to Wizarding World without me. Wait, what just happened? You know I’ve been wanting to go.

 Howard and Bernadette’s kid might be born on your birthday. How cool is that? :21,369 –> 00:12:23,536 This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now. Well, it is their child.

 :21,369 –> 00:12:23,536 This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now. Well, it is their child.

 This is not how I imagined this day going, I should be with them right now. Well, it is their child.

 Well, it is their child. I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous. Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours. And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

 I know that. But to be fair, I’ve spent nine months helping Bernadette get ready for this baby, and Howard spent five minutes conceiving it. And I’m being generous. Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours. And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

 Five minutes? We must be doing it wrong. It took us hours. And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

 And, and the worst part is that they kicked me out and let Stuart stay.

 Yeah. Penny, you’re the one who introduced him to Bernie. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come. Hmm. You two got married.

 How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come. Hmm. You two got married.

 It’s not just Howard and Bernadette. I mean, look how far we’ve all come. Hmm. You two got married.

 Sheldon, Howard and I are working with the government on our quantum gyroscope. We’ve all come a long way. There’s a lot to be proud of. For God’s sake, just drive in the knife, why don’t you. What’s your problem?

 We’ve all come a long way. There’s a lot to be proud of. For God’s sake, just drive in the knife, why don’t you. What’s your problem?

 For God’s sake, just drive in the knife, why don’t you. What’s your problem?

 What’s your problem? Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile. I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable. Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

 Well, you’re all thinking it, I’m the only one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile. I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable. Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

 I was not thinking it. Although, now that you point it out, it is undeniable. Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

 Raj, if it’s any consolation, I’m no better off than I was ten years ago.

 I remember thinking this is stupid, and I was right. Do you want me to get the nurse? No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.

 Do you want me to get the nurse? No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.

 No. If one more person puts their fingers near my uterus, I’m gonna cross my legs and snap ’em off.

 Really? Of course. You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.

 Of course. You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.

 You hear that, Stuart? I’ve got a dog and a godchild, you have nothing.

 Mm, that one kind of looks like Bernadette. They all look the same to me. Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.

 They all look the same to me. Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.

 Guys, she’s my goddaughter, I think I’ll know when I see her. That one.

 Yeah. Let me finish packing this stuff up. You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Year’s. Yeah, but he doesn’t live here anymore. Well, he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man who complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.

 Yeah, but he doesn’t live here anymore. Well, he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man who complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.

 Well, he doesn’t live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. And that’s the same man who complains you can’t find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter. Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.

 Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.

 Oh. It’s Bernadette. She says they’re running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard. Well, he didn’t throw up on the baby. That’s a win. Hello. Hi.

 Hi. Hi. Welcome back. How was Texas? Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating. It was not a great trip.

 Hi. Welcome back. How was Texas? Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating. It was not a great trip.

 Oh, you know., the lone star state. Hmm. That should be its Yelp rating. It was not a great trip.

 Well, you’re home now. Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar? I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.

 Yeah. It is good to be home. Oh, good lord, is that mistletoe? Don’t you maniacs own a calendar? I told him to take it down. He would not listen to me.

 Did you at least have a good flight down there? It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way. So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?  And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

 It was fine. Other than the weird-tasting juice Amy gave me, I slept the whole way. So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?  And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

 So, what happened in Texas that was so bad?  And before our next drive to Comic-Con, I need the name of that juice.

 Well, we were on our way to my mother’s house… How did we get in the car? Hold on. How did you get him in the car? I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

 How did we get in the car? Hold on. How did you get him in the car? I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

 Hold on. How did you get him in the car? I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

 I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest.

 Hold on. How did you get him in the car? I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest. So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together. Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.

 I rented one of those carts, pushed him toward the open door and just let inertia take care of the rest. So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together. Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.

 So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together. Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture.

 So, while we’re at your mother’s house, it might be a good time to tell her that we’re living together. Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture. Maybe there won’t be one. There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.

 Do we have to? I really don’t want to hear the religious lecture. Maybe there won’t be one. There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.

 Maybe there won’t be one. There’s always one. She gave it to my sister about her boyfriend, my brother about his girlfriend, my father about his girlfriend. That one had some un-Christian words in it.

 Well, she likes me. You know, there’s a chance she might be okay with it. Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower. Do boys have flowers? Who knows what he has down there.

 Eh, I don’t know. I am her precious little boy. And you did take my flower. Do boys have flowers? Who knows what he has down there.

 Do boys have flowers? Who knows what he has down there. Mm. Anyway…

 You start changing the words to the prayers, next thing you know, you’re in a church with a guitar. Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious. Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home? Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.

 Thank you for cooking, it looks delicious. Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home? Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.

 Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home? Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.

 Oh, it’s my pleasure. Mm. I’m so glad y’all could make it. So, tell me, what’s going on back home? Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby. Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular? Welcome to Texas.

 Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby. Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular? Welcome to Texas.

 Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular? Welcome to Texas.

 Oh, that’s wonderful. Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular? Welcome to Texas. They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share. Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

 Welcome to Texas. They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share. Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

 They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share. Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes.

 They haven’t said. Anyway, we, uh, we also have some exciting news to share. Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes. Come on, Shelly, tell me your news. All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.

 Oh, wait, wait, shouldn’t we just eat? You know, I mean, God did take time out of his busy schedule to bless these Sloppy Joes. Come on, Shelly, tell me your news. All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.

 Come on, Shelly, tell me your news. All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not.

 Come on, Shelly, tell me your news. All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not. Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled. What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.

 All right. This is on you. Amy and I are living together in sin, like a couple of New Yorkers. Now, while you scold us, I’m going to get a knife and a fork. Joe may be sloppy, but Sheldon’s not. Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled. What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.

 Well, thank you for letting me know, and I, for one, am thrilled. What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there.

 What? Wh, where’s the judgment? Wh, where’s the fire and brimstone? Where’s the part where you tell us we’re going to Hell and I say have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We’re already there. Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you. And what special circumstances are those? Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad.

 Obviously, I would prefer if you weren’t living out of wedlock, but given your special circumstances, I’m very happy for you. And what special circumstances are those? Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad.

 And what special circumstances are those? Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad.

 And what special circumstances are those? Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad. Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them. What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

 Oh, boy, I think it’s about to get bad. Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them. What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

 Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them. What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?

 Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them. What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life? No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses. Well, this is highly insulting.

 What, so you thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life? No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses. Well, this is highly insulting.

 No. Just for the middle part. ‘Cause at the end I assumed there’d be nurses. Well, this is highly insulting.

 Sheldon, don’t overreact. I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

 I’m the child she was worried about? I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn’t power a potato clock, if I spotted them the potato. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

 He’s been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him? He’s upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him. Are you going to? Oh, heck no.

 He’s upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him. Are you going to? Oh, heck no.

 Oh, heck no. Sheldon, what, what are you doing? Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was. You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.

 Sheldon, what, what are you doing? Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was. You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.

 Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was. You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.

 You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind.

 Just being the unsocialised eccentric my mother always thought I was. You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind. We’re ignoring the fins, okay. Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.

 You startin’ to see why I didn’t go in there? Sheldon, if you’re trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain’t changing my mind. We’re ignoring the fins, okay. Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.

 We’re ignoring the fins, okay. Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too.

 We’re ignoring the fins, okay. Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too. I don’t think that’s what she’s saying. And?

 Yeah. And I don’t understand why you’re taking her side. By being my girlfriend, she’s saying you’re a weirdo, too. I don’t think that’s what she’s saying. And?

 Can you believe my mother thinks we’re both strange? Absolutely not. That’s too loud. Absolutely not.

 That’s too loud. Absolutely not. Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while. Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

 Absolutely not. Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while. Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

 Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while. Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out.

 Well, after that, Sheldon and I got out of the house for a while. Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out. You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone. You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…

 Well, first we buttered my feet to get the swim fins off, and then we went out. You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone. You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…

 You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone. You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton…

 You know, I’m sorry your mother made you feel bad. But, you know, at the end of the day, she was wrong, because you’re not alone. You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton… What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet? I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

 You’re right. I have Leonard and Howard and Raj, Stuart, Penny, Leonard’s mom, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton… What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet? I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

 What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet? I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy.

 What about the woman who just buttered your big flat feet? I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy. Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip. I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.

 I was going chronologically. You’re right between Koothrappali’s father and Omar, the one-eyed Sparkletts guy. Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip. I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.

 Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip. I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place.

 Well, let’s try to not let it ruin the rest of our trip. I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place. She was gonna find out eventually. Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.

 I knew we should’ve never mentioned us living together in the first place. She was gonna find out eventually. Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.

 She was gonna find out eventually. Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me.

 She was gonna find out eventually. Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me. Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were. Why would you do that?

 Disagree. We’ve known about evolution since 1859, she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat. This could have all been avoided if you’d only listened to me. Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were. Why would you do that?

 Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were. Why would you do that?

 Sheldon, I knew your mother was fine with us living together because I already told her we were. Why would you do that? This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you. You managed the situation?

 Why would you do that? This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you. You managed the situation?

 This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you. You managed the situation?

 This was a potential issue, so I got out ahead of it and I managed the situation for you. You managed the situation? That’s right.  So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.

 You managed the situation? That’s right.  So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.

 That’s right.  So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life.

 That’s right.  So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life. Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you. I have gotten much better at that.

 So my mother thought I was incapable of finding a mate, and my mate thinks I’m incapable of running my own life. Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you. I have gotten much better at that.

 Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you. I have gotten much better at that.

 Not your whole life. I mean, science, you got that. Organizing your sock drawer, you’re the king. But understanding how other people are feeling, that’s a weak spot for you. I have gotten much better at that. Have you? How am I feeling right now? What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. 

 I have gotten much better at that. Have you? How am I feeling right now? What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. 

 Have you? How am I feeling right now? What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter. 

 Have you? How am I feeling right now? What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter.  You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine. How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

 What? How should I know? Excited? Itchy? Give me the first letter.  You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine. How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

 You and I are in a relationship. I help you with your shortcomings, and you help me with mine. How would you feel if I contacted your mother behind your back?

 Yeah. Go ahead. Do you need help? No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me. Sorry we’re late.

 Do you need help? No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me. Sorry we’re late.

 Do you need help? No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me. Sorry we’re late. Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

 No. I got it. Doubtfire, Poppins, follow me. Sorry we’re late. Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

 Sorry we’re late. Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas.

 Oh, it’s no problem, Amy and Sheldon were just telling us about their trip to Texas. Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up. How did we get in the car? Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.

 Yeah. Here. I’ll catch you up. How did we get in the car? Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.

 How did we get in the car? Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.

 Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head.

 Stop. Okay. They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head. On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school. I was acting odd intentionally. Really? So you can control it?

 On purpose, not the way it used to happen in high school. I was acting odd intentionally. Really? So you can control it?

 It might’ve been the worst one we’ve ever had. Oh, my God, what happened? Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then I find out that she watched two episodes without me.  It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.

 Oh, my God, what happened? Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then I find out that she watched two episodes without me.  It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.

 Well, we had started binge-watching Luke Cage together, and it was kind of our thing, and then I find out that she watched two episodes without me.  It’s like I was excited for a present and got socks.

 There’s a tree on you. You want to decorate it tonight? Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure. I hope it kills us both.

 You want to decorate it tonight? Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure. I hope it kills us both.

 Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure. I hope it kills us both.

 Yeah, with gasoline and a match? Sure. I hope it kills us both. By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it. So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

 I hope it kills us both. By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it. So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

 By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it. So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?

 By the way, if anyone asks, the elevator shaft always had a tree in it. So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it? Sure. Hey, how’s life with your baby?

 So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it? Sure. Hey, how’s life with your baby?

 I mean, it’s Stuart. Maybe she’s playing possum until he goes away. Not funny. She’s tired, that was funny. Everyone’s a better mom than me.

 Not funny. She’s tired, that was funny. Everyone’s a better mom than me.

 She’s tired, that was funny. Everyone’s a better mom than me. Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk. Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

 Everyone’s a better mom than me. Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk. Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

 Oh, don’t take it so personally, maybe your baby’s just a jerk. Wait, so how does the story end? Is the baby a jerk or is Bernadette a bad mother?

 It has been hard to sleep with all the crying. How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest. It’s like hating a frozen yogurt machine. She doesn’t hate you, stop saying that. Now you hate me too.

 How can she hate me? I make her food in my chest. It’s like hating a frozen yogurt machine. She doesn’t hate you, stop saying that. Now you hate me too.

 She doesn’t hate you, stop saying that. Now you hate me too. Shh, I don’t hate you.  It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

 Now you hate me too. Shh, I don’t hate you.  It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

 Shh, I don’t hate you.  It says here that up to 80% of new mothers experience baby blues. And that the best thing to do is reassure them that they’re doing a good job. Bernadette, you are doing a good job.

 Yeah, thanks. Our pleasure. See you guys at work. Be there bright and early.

 Why? I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives. That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half. That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

 I’m trying to take more of an interest in other people’s lives. That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half. That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

 That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half. That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?

 That’s nice. I wear a size eight and a half. That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend? Are you gonna laugh at the answer? Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.

 That’s small. So, tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend? Are you gonna laugh at the answer? Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.

 Are you gonna laugh at the answer? Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.

 Are you gonna laugh at the answer? Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes. If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me. Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

 Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes. If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me. Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

 If you must know, Penny won a spa weekend from work, and she’s taking me. Oh, well you know, that is interesting. I wonder what kind of infection you’ll come home with. My money’s on fungal. They’re still having girls night across the hall.

 Oh, no. Good game. Hey. Hey. Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

 Hey. Hey. Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

 Hey. Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night?

 Hey. Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night? Oh, it was fine. Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?

 Oh, Penny, I’m trying to take an interest in other people. Uh, how was your girls’ night? Oh, it was fine. Hmm. Did you have anything to eat?

 Oh, it was fine. Hmm. Did you have anything to eat? Uh, chips. Anything to drink?

 Hmm. Did you have anything to eat? Uh, chips. Anything to drink?

 Hey, what’s going on with you? I don’t want to talk about it. Well, hey, come on, just tell me. Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

 I don’t want to talk about it. Well, hey, come on, just tell me. Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

 Well, hey, come on, just tell me. Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

 Fine. Lately I kind of feel like you’ve been taking me for granted.

 That is ridiculous.  This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it. No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do? Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

 This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it. No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do? Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

 No, no, no, no, let’s talk about it. I’m the one who’s made all the effort in this relationship since day one. Please tell me what more I could do? Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

 Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll take Amy with me to the spa this weekend instead.

 And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo? I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.  Have fun. Thanks. Are you ready?

 I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.  Have fun. Thanks. Are you ready?

 Have fun. Thanks. Are you ready? Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon. You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

 Thanks. Are you ready? Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon. You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

 Uh-huh. Bye, Sheldon. You know what? I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.

 If you miss me x plus one, I’ll miss you open paren x plus one, close paren to the second… Thank you.

 Honey? Yes. Unsweetened almond… Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.

 Yes. Unsweetened almond… Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it.

 Unsweetened almond… Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it. Sorry, thank you. Well, what can we do to cheer you up?

 Good Lord, I made you tea, just drink it. Sorry, thank you. Well, what can we do to cheer you up?

 Sorry, thank you. Well, what can we do to cheer you up? I really don’t know. You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

 Well, what can we do to cheer you up? I really don’t know. You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

 I really don’t know. You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at?

 I really don’t know. You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at? I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

 You want to play Jenga? Or, uh, Ticket to Ride? Hearthstone? What would you be the happiest losing at? I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

 I don’t want to play a game, Sheldon. Wow, and I remember when you loved playing games with me. Maybe Penny isn’t the only relationship you’re phoning in.

 It’s a tradition of my people. (Singing) If I were a rich man, ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum. Material Girl needs ot be retired, that is your karaoke song. 

 Hey. What are you doing here? I came here to apologize. Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

 What are you doing here? I came here to apologize. Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

 I came here to apologize. Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

 Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself.

 I came here to apologize. Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself. Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort.  Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.

 Okay. Leonard, I really appreciate that, but I need a little time to myself. Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort.  Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.

 Okay. I don’t get it, you said make an effort, here I am making an effort.  Hello, Amy. It’s nice to see you.

 Nice to see you, too. And that’s how you make effort look effortless. All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow? I don’t understand what you want.

 And that’s how you make effort look effortless. All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow? I don’t understand what you want.

 All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow? I don’t understand what you want.

 All right. Can you please just go and we’ll talk about this tomorrow? I don’t understand what you want. I’m trying to figure it out. You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. 

 I don’t understand what you want. I’m trying to figure it out. You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. 

 I’m trying to figure it out. You know what? If you’d like, I could whip up a quick relationship agreement. Well, I’m at a spa, I might as well do something relaxing. 

 Hold on, I don’t think she was impressed. Bigger problems, I felt something pop. 

 Do they know it’s there? I mean, should I tell somebody?  It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing. Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh.  Hey.

 It’s there on purpose. It’s refreshing. Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh.  Hey.

 Interesting. The world’s most boring liquid and the world’s most boring vegetable, but you put ’em together and bleugh.  Hey.

 Listen, we realized, that, uh, we’re facing some new challenges as a married couple. Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, um. Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule.  Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. 

 Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this, um. Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule.  Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. 

 Would you please help us make a relationship agreement? But one that’s tailored to us, okay, we don’t need a bathroom schedule.  Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. 

 Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance. 

 Does it really need to say that? I did this for free, let me get a little something. Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.  I think this all looks good.

 I did this for free, let me get a little something. Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.  I think this all looks good.

 Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.  I think this all looks good.

 Article 10, subsection C, if questioned Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn’t. Other unacceptable responses include, it’s nothing, don’t worry about it, and, I said it’s nothing don’t worry about it.  I think this all looks good. Me, too. Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

 I think this all looks good. Me, too. Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

 Me, too. Oh well, great then, here, you sign here, date here, and Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you’re accepting Leonard in as is condition.

 I broke up with her. Why? She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting. I thought things were going well. What happened?

 Why? She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting. I thought things were going well. What happened?

 She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting. I thought things were going well. What happened?

 She said she didn’t want to see me any more and I found that insulting. I thought things were going well. What happened? I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason. That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?

 I thought things were going well. What happened? I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason. That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?

 I don’t know, she didn’t even give me a reason. That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?

 That’s not a problem, we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj? Can we not play this game? Doesn’t like games. That’s one. Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.

 Can we not play this game? Doesn’t like games. That’s one. Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.

 Doesn’t like games. That’s one. Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup.

 Doesn’t like games. That’s one. Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup. That’s okay, I’m fine. Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.

 Ignore him. Yeah, sorry about the breakup. That’s okay, I’m fine. Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.

 That’s okay, I’m fine. Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made.

 That’s okay, I’m fine. Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made. I’m not a virgin, Sheldon. So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.

 Of course you’re fine. Not every member of a species finds a mate. Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin, look at the contributions he made. I’m not a virgin, Sheldon. So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.

 I’m not a virgin, Sheldon. So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you.

 I’m not a virgin, Sheldon. So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you. You’re not being very nice. What? He said he was fine.

 So now you think you’re better than Isaac Newton? Oh, no wonder women don’t like you. You’re not being very nice. What? He said he was fine.

 What? He said he was fine. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean. Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said. Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.

 Sometimes people say things they don’t mean. Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said. Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.

 Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said. Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.

 Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey.

 Oh, that’s a paradox. I mean if you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said. Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey. Hey, boys. How’s it going? Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.

 Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke’s gonna come out of his ears soon. Hey. Hey, boys. How’s it going? Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.

 Hey, boys. How’s it going? Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive.

 Hey, boys. How’s it going? Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive. So, normal. Yeah.

 Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out I was being offensive. So, normal. Yeah.

 So, normal. Yeah. Sheldon, what did you do? We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.

 Yeah. Sheldon, what did you do? We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.

 Sheldon, what did you do? We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.

 Sheldon, what did you do? We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him. It’s okay, I’m fine. Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

 We were discussing Raj’s recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him. It’s okay, I’m fine. Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

 It’s okay, I’m fine. Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy.

 It’s okay, I’m fine. Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Then why didn’t you say that?

 Don’t fall for it. He’ll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Then why didn’t you say that?

 Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Then why didn’t you say that?

 Sheldon, when I said I was fine, I meant I didn’t want to talk about it any more. Then why didn’t you say that? Because that’s not what people do. Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.

 Then why didn’t you say that? Because that’s not what people do. Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.

 Because that’s not what people do. Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.

 Because that’s not what people do. Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind. No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough. Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.

 Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind. No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough. Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.

 No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough. Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues.

 No. No, you don’t, you really don’t. I actually can’t say don’t enough. Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues. I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating. Thank you.

 Well, it certainly would be easier. You have no idea what it’s like to struggle with recognizing emotional cues. I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating. Thank you.

 Wow, I find that hard to believe. That a bunch of awkward scientists with no social skills would invent a machine to do it for them? I take it back. I believe it. You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.

 That a bunch of awkward scientists with no social skills would invent a machine to do it for them? I take it back. I believe it. You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.

 I take it back. I believe it. You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.

 You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype.

 I take it back. I believe it. You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype. What do you think? A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.

 You if it’s at MIT, I can make some calls. Maybe we can get Sheldon a prototype. What do you think? A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.

 What do you think? A machine that reads emotions is intriguing. It could help me be a more considerate friend.

 It could also help me identify my enemies, discover their fears and then I could use those fears to destroy them. I like the first one.

 I was thinking maybe a library or a gaming room. You could make it a train room. I don’t like trains. You like trains. I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.

 You could make it a train room. I don’t like trains. You like trains. I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.

 I don’t like trains. You like trains. I know, and Amy says I can’t have a train room.

 Maybe I could use it to understand why women keep dumping me. Well, you don’t need a machine for that, just send a survey card to all your ex-girlfriends and tell them if they fill it out they might win a prize. That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe I could even get them all together, sort of like a, a focus group, to find out what’s wrong with me. No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.

 Well, you don’t need a machine for that, just send a survey card to all your ex-girlfriends and tell them if they fill it out they might win a prize. That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe I could even get them all together, sort of like a, a focus group, to find out what’s wrong with me. No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.

 That’s actually not a bad idea. Maybe I could even get them all together, sort of like a, a focus group, to find out what’s wrong with me. No, Raj, that’s a terrible idea.

 Okay. Thank you, you’re the best. Mm. Remember that when the new TV falls off the wall and crushes us both.

 Remember that when the new TV falls off the wall and crushes us both.

 Yes. Now, when the robots rise up, they’ll know that I’ve been rooting for them the whole time. The display is synced to your phone. Give it a try. All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately. Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?

 The display is synced to your phone. Give it a try. All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately. Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?

 All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately. Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?

 Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life?

 All right. Now, I’m gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we’ll see if the machine can identify them accurately. Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life? Okay, I’m looking at the first picture. You are happy?

 Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you’re feeling, like, what have I done with my life? Okay, I’m looking at the first picture. You are happy?

 You are happy? Yes. I’m looking at puppi Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right.  Try another one.

 Yes. I’m looking at puppi Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right.  Try another one.

 Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right.  Try another one.

 Aw. Somebody’s ignoring their tiny needle teeth, but all right.  Try another one. Okay. What does it say I’m feeling? Sad.

 Okay. What does it say I’m feeling? Sad. Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma. Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.

 Sad. Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma. Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.

 Yes. I’m looking at a picture of my grandma. Oh, that makes sense, ’cause she’s gone and you miss her.

 Hey, would you take a look at my brother’s résumé? I’m trying to help him clean it up a little. Yeah, sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency? He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah. Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.

 Yeah, sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency? He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah. Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.

 He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah. Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector.

 He didn’t know it till he was cuffed, but yeah. Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector. How’s it working out? Surprisingly well.

 Hey, Leonard, if you’re happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands, because I have an emotion detector. How’s it working out? Surprisingly well.

 Surprisingly well. That’s great, I’m happy for you. No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet? What’s that? Are you working on your resume?

 That’s great, I’m happy for you. No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet? What’s that? Are you working on your resume?

 No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet? What’s that? Are you working on your resume?

 No, wait, uh, hold on. Oh, what, you are. Aren’t you sweet? What’s that? Are you working on your resume? No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here. Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.

 What’s that? Are you working on your resume? No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here. Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.

 No, it’s my brother’s. I’m trying to help him get a job out here. Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry.

 Oh, ooh! And that makes Leonard angry. No, it doesn’t. What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone. What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?

 No, it doesn’t. What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone. What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?

 What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone. What? Are you really upset about Randall coming?

 What, Leonard, please. I know an angry face when I see it. It’s this red frowny guy on my phone. What? Are you really upset about Randall coming? No. Yes.

 I said no. It’s like you’re twins. Leonard, if you’re mad about this, just tell me. Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.

 It’s like you’re twins. Leonard, if you’re mad about this, just tell me. Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.

 Leonard, if you’re mad about this, just tell me. Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.

 Fine. You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn’t bother to ask me first.

 He’s my brother. I didn’t think I needed your permission. Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters. I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay. Like you talked to me about your gaming room?

 Well, hey. Now she’s angry, too. This thing works like gangbusters. I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay. Like you talked to me about your gaming room?

 I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay. Like you talked to me about your gaming room?

 I’m not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay. Like you talked to me about your gaming room? Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it. He’s still mad.

 Like you talked to me about your gaming room? Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it. He’s still mad.

 Our gaming room. I was gonna put a scented candle in it. He’s still mad.

 He would get his own place. Has he ever had his own place? Yes. Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed?

 Has he ever had his own place? Yes. Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed?

 Did it have a metal toilet next to the bed? It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon? Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you. You gave me a bill at the end of every month. 

 It still counts. You know, how is this any different from you making me live with Sheldon? Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you. You gave me a bill at the end of every month. 

 Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you. You gave me a bill at the end of every month. 

 Hey, I shared my Honey Nut Cheerios with you. You gave me a bill at the end of every month.  Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight. You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.

 You gave me a bill at the end of every month.  Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight. You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.

 Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight. You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings.

 Stay out of this. You and your stupid machine started this fight. You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings. Come on, Sheldon, let’s go. Gladly. Can we storm out?

 You are lucky that this feelings machine doesn’t have feelings. Come on, Sheldon, let’s go. Gladly. Can we storm out?

 Okay. Well, whenever you and I were in bed… Howard, get out. Not a chance. So, you were telling us how Raj was terrible in bed.

 Howard, get out. Not a chance. So, you were telling us how Raj was terrible in bed.

 Not a chance. So, you were telling us how Raj was terrible in bed.

 Sheldon, dinner’s ready. I made beef loaf, because I know you’re uncomfortable with the non-specificity of meat loaf. Sheldon? Hey, are you okay? Not really. What’s going on? I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.

 Not really. What’s going on? I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.

 What’s going on? I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it.

 What’s going on? I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it. I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings. It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.

 I wish I never tried that device. And I know I said the same thing after the massage chair, but this time I mean it. I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings. It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.

 I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings. It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real.

 I’m sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings. It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real. Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge. I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.

 It’s more than that. It’s me. I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people’s emotions, but that machine just made it so real. Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge. I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.

 Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge. I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not.

 Well, everybody has things that they need help with. Like me, I can’t see without my glasses. And right now you’re just a, a cute, pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge. I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not. Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell. Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.

 I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I’m not. Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell. Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.

 Yes, you are. There have definitely been days when I was sad and you could tell. Yeah, but that’s shooting fish in a barrel. You’re kind of a sad sack. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just upset.

 Honestly, I’m surprised you two didn’t wind up together. Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.

 Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.

 Oh, it’s fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn’t home, you borrowed a suitcase. That was six years ago. I’m talking about tonight. Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order. Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.

 That was six years ago. I’m talking about tonight. Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order. Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.

 Oh. Well, I thought we were going in order. Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.

 Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.

 Hopefully, he won’t be too upset. Oh, you’re his little girl, he can’t stay mad at you. He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so… So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?

 Oh, you’re his little girl, he can’t stay mad at you. He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so… So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?

 He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so… So you’re gonna throw me under the bus?

 He won’t be mad at me. I mean, you’re the one who doesn’t want my brother to come, so… So you’re gonna throw me under the bus? Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal. Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.

 So you’re gonna throw me under the bus? Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal. Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.

 Oh, I’m gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal. Uh, guys, it sounds like you’re getting angry again.

 Hey, I was being hypothetical, okay? I would never marry you. Please. When you see the ring I pick out, you’re gonna melt. Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised.

 Please. When you see the ring I pick out, you’re gonna melt. Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised.

 Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don’t tell me, I want to be surprised.

 I finally got Halley to sleep. You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years. It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy. So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

 You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years. It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy. So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

 It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy. So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

 It’s true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy. So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up. We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter. Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?

 So, all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up. We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter. Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?

 We can’t. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter. Hey, uh, Bernadette, let’s test this theory. What do you think I’m feeling right now?

 Okay, I’m zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the micro-fluidic channel. Nicely done, Howard. Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things. Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

 Nicely done, Howard. Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things. Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

 Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things. Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

 Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

 Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things. Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child. Those are just the things I say out loud. Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.

 Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child. Those are just the things I say out loud. Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.

 Those are just the things I say out loud. Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.

 Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately. What’s wrong? I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller. That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

 What’s wrong? I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller. That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

 I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller. That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

 That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go.

 I’m looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller. That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go. Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.  Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

 That’s great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We’re good to go. Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.  Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

 Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.  Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics.

 Yeah. It doesn’t need to be smaller.  Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics. Can we please stop talking about poodles? Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

 Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I’ll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that’s just poodle politics. Can we please stop talking about poodles? Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

 Can we please stop talking about poodles? Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

 Can we please stop talking about poodles? Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do. Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home. I don’t want to go home.

 Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do. Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home. I don’t want to go home.

 Sheldon, we don’t need to make this smaller, and your work is done. Go home. I don’t want to go home.

 You’re kidding. I don’t care if we’re in a drought, it’s worth it. You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time. We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.

 I don’t care if we’re in a drought, it’s worth it. You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time. We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.

 You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time. We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him.

 You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I’ve been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now’s the time. We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him. You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point. Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

 We can just lock the door, you don’t have to kill him. You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point. Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

 You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point. Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best.

 You can’t kill him, he’ll just respawn at the last save point. Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best. Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present. Really?

 Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that’s not a urinary tract infection, that’s a personal best. Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present. Really?

 Oh. All this week, the Early Music Society of Pasadena is doing a joint concert with the San Gabriel Renaissance Choir. Okay, that’s the one to beat. Good luck. People have been saying that for 600 years.

 Okay, that’s the one to beat. Good luck. People have been saying that for 600 years.

 Hey, you’re home early. You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive. Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do? No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

 You’ll never believe it. Leonard gave me the most incredible gift, a trip to a historic railway, and I get to operate an actual locomotive. Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do? No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

 Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do? No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day.

 Wow. He finally used it. What’d you do? No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day. Well, I’m really happy for you. Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

 No idea. All I know is I’m gonna be working on the railroad all the livelong day. Well, I’m really happy for you. Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

 Well, I’m really happy for you. Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me.

 Well, I’m really happy for you. Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me. I give up. You.

 Oh, no. It’s not just me. No. The railway is four hours from the nearest airport, and guess who gets to drive me. I give up. You.

 I give up. You. No. I really give up. Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

 You. No. I really give up. Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

 No. I really give up. Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep? Our choice of a turn-of-the-century railway bunkhouse or a working caboose. Now, the problem with a caboose is there’s no bathroom, but the problem with the bunkhouse is it’s not a caboose. On the first day, I get to drive a steam engine. Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine. Oh, and if I volunteer to do track maintenance and paperwork, they’ll let me stay as long as I want. So you might want to pack enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

 Yeah, great. Um, I’ll put food in her top half, you deal with whatever comes out the bottom.

 I can’t believe we have to ask Sheldon to come back and help us. Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that? I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run. Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

 Oh, boo-hoo. I spent four grand on a gift that only got rid of him for an afternoon. What is that? I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run. Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

 I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run. Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners?

 I don’t know, but if he yells It’s alive, we run. Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners? How’d you even get that up the stairs? I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

 Oh, hey. If you knocked, I couldn’t hear you. I’m welding this locomotive engine. And if you didn’t knock, how about some manners? How’d you even get that up the stairs? I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

 How’d you even get that up the stairs? I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later.

 How’d you even get that up the stairs? I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later. Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you. Interesting. Well, so I was right.

 I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn’t, so I paid two men who promised not to come rob us later. Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you. Interesting. Well, so I was right.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you. Interesting. Well, so I was right.

 Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can’t do it without you. Interesting. Well, so I was right. Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here. Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

 Interesting. Well, so I was right. Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here. Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

 Open a window. It’s about to get smug in here. Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are.

 Well, I would love to help you, but since I discovered the satisfaction of working with my hands on a train engine, I don’t think I can go back to theory. I’m an engineer now. And, hey, just to be clear, a train engineer. Not that goofy kind you are. Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out. Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish. He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

 Sheldon, you can still go on the trip in a few weeks. Just help us out. Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish. He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

 Sorry. I need to work on this engine so when I get to the train yard I won’t look foolish. He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

 He’s worried about looking foolish. That’s a heapin’ helping of irony right there.

 Well, Sheldon, turns out we didn’t need you after all. That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard. No. Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

 That’s right. We figured it out all by ourselves. Wasn’t even that hard. No. Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

 No. Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it.

 No. Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it. Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are? No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.

 Well, good for you guys. Look, I have a grease smudge on my hand, and I’m okay with it. Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are? No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.

 Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are? No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump.

 Aren’t you gonna look at the board to see how right we are? No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump. It’s a manifold. Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.

 No, thanks. I’m busy trying to fix this fuel pump. It’s a manifold. Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed.

 It’s a manifold. Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed. Just look at the board. That’s wrong.

 Oh. Well, I guess it’s fixed. Just look at the board. That’s wrong.

 Just look at the board. That’s wrong. Oh, no, what should we have done differently? Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

 That’s wrong. Oh, no, what should we have done differently? Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

 Oh, no, what should we have done differently? Well, first of all, you can’t use relativistic and non-relativistic vectors in the same equation.

 Okay, but this is the last time. Nice try, blockheads. Come on, Sheldon. You can’t turn your back on physics, and besides, you have no idea what you’re doing with this stuff. But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know. And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

 Come on, Sheldon. You can’t turn your back on physics, and besides, you have no idea what you’re doing with this stuff. But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know. And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

 But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know. And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

 And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system.

 But if you really want to learn the mechanical side, I can teach you anything you want to know. And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system. And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store. Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

 And instead of standing around watching, you can help us build your smaller guidance system. And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store. Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

 And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store. Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store.

 And with all these new skills, you’d be able to fix any model train. You’d be the king of the train store. Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store. So, what do you say? Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

 Excuse me. I have a girlfriend. I’m already king of the train store. So, what do you say? Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

 So, what do you say? Oh, what choice do I have? You need me. I’m like the crankshaft of this team.

 That’s a turbo. Well, whatever it is, it looks heavy. I’m gonna need you two to get it downstairs before Amy comes home.

 I’ve worked up a bit of a sweat. Me, too. May I borrow your water? The light’s green.

 GPS says we’ll be at the railway in three hours. I can get us there in two.

 There’s no way. What is happening? This is an Euler’s Disk. It’s a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy, and kinetic energy. Aw, look at you watching sports.

 What is happening? This is an Euler’s Disk. It’s a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy, and kinetic energy. Aw, look at you watching sports.

 This is an Euler’s Disk. It’s a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy, and kinetic energy. Aw, look at you watching sports.

 We’re betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disk can spin. Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time. But Raj is from India, which means he’s no slouch at holding his breath. Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.

 Its weight and smoothness, along with the slight concavity of the mirror, means it can spin for a long time. But Raj is from India, which means he’s no slouch at holding his breath. Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.

 But Raj is from India, which means he’s no slouch at holding his breath. Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.

 Okay, I want in. Ten bucks says I’ll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.

 Kind of busy right now. Oh, an Euler’s Disk, fun. Yeah, we’re seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it. Oh. Immature.

 Oh, an Euler’s Disk, fun. Yeah, we’re seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it. Oh. Immature.

 Yeah, we’re seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it. Oh. Immature.

 Yeah, we’re seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it. Oh. Immature. How ya doing? He’s not gonna make it.

 He’s not gonna make it. Yes, he is. You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage. Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?

 Yes, he is. You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage. Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?

 You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage. Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?

 Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for?

 You know, deep-sea divers holding their breath for several minutes have shown elevated markers of a protein that can signal brain damage. Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for? Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks. It’s slowing down.

 Yeah, see, what’s happening here signals brain damage. My God, how long does this thing spin for? Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks. It’s slowing down.

 Ha, you’re interested. You’re out ten bucks. It’s slowing down.

 I have six children, five of whom are married and self-sufficient. I don’t think I’m the problem. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This is deeply hurtful. You’re also too sensitive. Women don’t want that either.

 I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This is deeply hurtful. You’re also too sensitive. Women don’t want that either.

 The food here’s supposed to be great. Don’t fill up on chips. Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that. Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi. Why?

 Oh, I won’t. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isosceles, isosceles, oh, scalene. You didn’t see that. Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi. Why?

 Oh, look. It’s Bert, at the bar. We should go say hi. Why? Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place. I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.

 Why? Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place. I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.

 Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place. I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.

 Because that’s what you do when you see someone you know in a public place. I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise. Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom. If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.

 I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise. Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom. If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.

 Sheldon, there’s a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity into a bathroom. If the judge couldn’t explain it to me, I don’t see how you will.

 Nice. I’m meeting someone, too. Oh, really. Anybody we know? I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love. That’s a real thing?

 Oh, really. Anybody we know? I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love. That’s a real thing?

 I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love. That’s a real thing?

 I doubt it. I met her on G-Harmony. That’s a Web site for geologists to find love. That’s a real thing? Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind. Well, have a lovely evening.

 That’s a real thing? Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind. Well, have a lovely evening.

 Yeah. Their slogan is we’re all about dating and not the carbon-14 kind. Well, have a lovely evening.

 Sorry, I don’t have a list of defunct search engines that I miss. Hey. Looks like I got stood up, so I’m gonna head out. Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes? Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.

 Hey. Looks like I got stood up, so I’m gonna head out. Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes? Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.

 Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes? Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.

 Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait.

 Oh, no. Are you sure you don’t want to give her a few more minutes? Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait. I’m so sorry. Bert, I insist that you join us.

 Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it’s time to cut bait. I’m so sorry. Bert, I insist that you join us.

 You really wouldn’t mind? Not at all. Amy? Fine with me. Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair.

 Fine with me. Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair. Sheldon, that was so sweet of you. Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.

 Thanks. I’ll go grab a chair. Sheldon, that was so sweet of you. Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.

 Sheldon, that was so sweet of you. Well, I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.

 Good question. Let’s see. Infoseek, WebCrawler, oh, HotBot. Okay, literally any other topic. All right. How did you guys meet? Actually, we met online.

 Okay, literally any other topic. All right. How did you guys meet? Actually, we met online.

 Although, unlike your date, she actually showed up. Oh, he looks sad again. Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you’re the perfect couple. You-you know about that? Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.

 Well, I really envy your relationship. Other than you two only having sex once a year, you’re the perfect couple. You-you know about that? Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.

 You-you know about that? Uh, yeah, everyone at the university does.

 Were you aware of this? No. No, I only told Leonard, Howard, Raj, Kripke, uh, Professor Wu, Professor Klein, and a lunch lady in the cafeteria. How everyone else found out is a mystery to me.

 Because I’m mad at you. Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked. Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life. What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.

 Oh. Well, now I’m sorry I asked. Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life. What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.

 Sheldon, it’s humiliating. Thanks to you, my colleagues are gossiping about our sex life. What is there to gossip about? We barely have one.

 The housekeeper does the shopping. Oh, my God, you really are spoiled. I’m spoiled? Your baby has a cape that costs $300.

 Oh, my God, you really are spoiled. I’m spoiled? Your baby has a cape that costs $300.

 I’m going to bed. Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together. So? I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.

 Well, wait. This is our first fight as a couple who live together. So? I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.

 So? I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized.

 So? I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized. I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not. This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.

 I’m not sure of the protocol. Television teaches us that the man’s supposed to sleep on the couch, but of the two of us, you’re clearly more sofa-sized. I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not. This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.

 I’m not sleeping on the couch because you don’t know what’s private and what’s not. This isn’t fair. You’ve discussed aspects of our physical relationship with Penny.

 Yeah? Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it. What is this? I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.

 Not exactly the welcome wagon, but I’ll take it. What is this? I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.

 What is this? I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here.

 What is this? I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here. Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking? No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.

 I’m mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I call these circles zones of privacy. Don’t Google that unless you want to see pictures of people’s genitals. This circle contains only me and you. It represents subjects we only share with each other, details of physical intimacy, bathroom habits. Although, as I’m saying it, I may need to add Dr. Fink in here. Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking? No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.

 Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking? No, I was just excited to list him as a friend.

 Are you really worried about revealing secrets to Stephen Hawking? No, I was just excited to list him as a friend. Well, I do appreciate you working on this. I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.

 No, I was just excited to list him as a friend. Well, I do appreciate you working on this. I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.

 Well, I do appreciate you working on this. I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.

 Well, I do appreciate you working on this. I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink. What’s that little dot in the middle? That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.

 I’m sorry you were embarrassed. And now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink. What’s that little dot in the middle? That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.

 What’s that little dot in the middle? That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone.

 What’s that little dot in the middle? That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone. Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me? Of course. 

 That’s reserved for thoughts I don’t share with anyone. Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me? Of course. 

 Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me? Of course. 

 Interesting. You really have secrets you don’t tell me? Of course.  Can I hear one? No, they’re private.

 Can I hear one? No, they’re private. Why? Are they naughty? A little.

 Why? Are they naughty? A little. Please? Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.

 A little. Please? Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license.

 Please? Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license. What? Why didn’t you say anything? I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.

 Fine. Two years ago I got my driver’s license. What? Why didn’t you say anything? I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.

 What? Why didn’t you say anything? I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.

 Yeah, I’m making a bunch of changes. This morning, I fired my dog walker. Oh. How’s the dog gonna go to the bathroom? Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem. Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.

 Oh. How’s the dog gonna go to the bathroom? Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem. Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.

 Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem. Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives.

 Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That’s tomorrow’s problem. Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives. He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this. Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.

 Excuse me. May I have your attention, please? I have recently been made aware that my personal relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler has become water cooler gossip. And I just want to say, shame on all of you. We’re scientists. Our minds should be focused on the advancement of human knowledge, not the intimate details of other people’s lives. He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this. Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.

 He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this. Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.

 He’s right. And I’m sorry for the part I played in this. Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out. That doesn’t paint me in the best light. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?

 Thank you, Bert. You’re a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out. That doesn’t paint me in the best light. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?

 That doesn’t paint me in the best light. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better?

 That doesn’t paint me in the best light. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better? Not really. All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.

 Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done. – That better? Not really. All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.

 Not really. All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert.

 Not really. All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert. What brought that on? Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.

 All right, well, to sum up, focus on science, keep your nose out of other people’s business, and, uh, whoa, for a good time, call Bert. What brought that on? Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.

 What brought that on? Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I’d been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.

 That’s understandable. Oh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but it turns out, no, she was genuinely mortified.

 Hi. Hey. Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms. We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.

 Hey. Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms. We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.

 Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms. We’re helping Raj figure out his finances.

 Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms. We’re helping Raj figure out his finances. Well, he has a job. How bad can it be? Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

 We’re helping Raj figure out his finances. Well, he has a job. How bad can it be? Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

 Well, he has a job. How bad can it be? Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping.

 Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping. Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look. He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt. I thought your dad paid your cards.

 Wait, wait, not shopping for clothes, right? Because look. He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt. I thought your dad paid your cards.

 He also has a remarkable amount of credit card debt. I thought your dad paid your cards.

 That’s a penguin I sponsor. They’re losing their homes to global warming, and my car gets, like, seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad. What is Pink Cheeks? It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that. Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

 What is Pink Cheeks? It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that. Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

 It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that. Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

 Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.

 It’s intimate waxing. Quit looking at that. Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control. Like a business manager? No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

 Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control. Like a business manager? No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

 Like a business manager? No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it.

 Like a business manager? No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it. What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives? He sounds like a sociopath.

 No, absolutely not. You can’t afford to hire someone who’ll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. That is a foolish expense, and I forbid it. What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives? He sounds like a sociopath.

 What if there’s someone who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives? He sounds like a sociopath.

 He sounds like a sociopath. We don’t know, his mother never had him tested. You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion. Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?

 We don’t know, his mother never had him tested. You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion. Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?

 You’re talking about me. Very funny. Although I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion. Wait, wait, who’s gonna break it to the penguin?

 It’s not that I want to go, I just think it’ll make Leonard happy. And if I have to watch him squeeze into an Ewok costume, so be it. Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks. I really have become the cool one around here.

 Look at you, going to Comic-Con, talking about Ewoks. I really have become the cool one around here.

 Why don’t you just tell her not to come? Well, she’s so excited, I can’t do that to her. What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go? That I would do to her.

 Well, she’s so excited, I can’t do that to her. What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go? That I would do to her.

 What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go? That I would do to her.

 What if you make it sound so bad she won’t want to go? That I would do to her. I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not. You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

 That I would do to her. I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not. You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

 I can’t believe Penny’s gonna get to go, and I’m not. You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.

 You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot. Panels. Just wanted to be included. You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard. See? Miserable.

 Panels. Just wanted to be included. You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard. See? Miserable.

 You put me in charge of your finances. If you wanted someone weak and spineless you could walk all over, you should have asked Leonard. See? Miserable.

 Yeah, you’re a grown man who’s highly educated. You could charge people money to punch you. Go ahead, make jokes. I don’t know why you think you’re going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby. So? Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

 Go ahead, make jokes. I don’t know why you think you’re going to Comic-Con, you just had a baby. So? Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

 So? Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

 Well, so? So you think Bernadette’s just gonna let you jet down to San Diego for five days and leave her alone?

 Every hotel is booked. But, yeah, see this space here between Sheldon’s feet and my head? That’s where you go. Well, it’s no different than when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm. Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.

 Well, it’s no different than when Sheldon used to climb in bed with us during a thunderstorm. Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.

 Don’t worry, we won’t be doing much sleeping anyway. It’s like an all-night party. There’s trivia contests and Dungeons & Dragons. As we like to say, it’s off the chain mail.

 Why? Do you not want me to go? No, I want you to go. Okay, good, ’cause that’s what I want, too.

 No, I want you to go. Okay, good, ’cause that’s what I want, too.

 Now we’re going as Hulk and She-Hulk. I don’t want to take my shirt off at Comic-Con. If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either. Is that nice? No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

 If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don’t want that either. Is that nice? No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

 Is that nice? No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship.

 Is that nice? No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship. Uh, it’s more complicated than that. I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

 No, but it’s honest, and it sounds like you could use a little more honesty in your relationship. Uh, it’s more complicated than that. I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

 Uh, it’s more complicated than that. I’m always honest with Amy. The other day she said she was self-conscious about the beauty mark on her shoulder, and I said, you know, you can call that a beauty mark all you want. When there’s hair growing out of it, that’s a mole.

 I know, I wish there was some way we could help him. If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over. Yeah, that’s working out great for me.

 If he could find a girl with a job, all his problems would be over. Yeah, that’s working out great for me.

 Penny says they’re ready to go. Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit. Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying. I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

 Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit. Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying. I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

 Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying. I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer?

 Sheldon, women can wear make up, it’s not lying. I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer? Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about? He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

 I was talking about Leonard. And if make up is so truthful, why is it called concealer? Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about? He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

 Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about? He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy.

 Wait, wait, wait, what’s Leonard lying about? He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy. Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy. So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

 He doesn’t really want Penny to go to Comic-Con. He’s just doing it to make her happy. Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy. So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

 Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy. So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them.

 Really? Because she doesn’t actually want to go. She’s just doing it to make him happy. So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them. No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it. Why?

 So they’re both trying to make each other happy, and the end result is they make each other sad? That’s hilarious. I can’t wait to tell them. No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it. Why?

 No, you’re not gonna tell them anything. You’re gonna stay out of it. Why?

 Why? Because it’s between them.  Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years. Hey.

 Because it’s between them.  Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years. Hey.

 Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been between them for the last ten years. Hey.

 Hello. Hey, babe, you want to drive? Sure, or you can. No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.

 Hey, babe, you want to drive? Sure, or you can. No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.

 Sure, or you can. No, it’s fine, I know you don’t like the way I drive.

 It’s not complicated. Amy’s driving, that’s it. That’s not it because you’re clearly upset. You’re the one who seems upset. Why would I be upset?

 That’s not it because you’re clearly upset. You’re the one who seems upset. Why would I be upset?

 Why would I be upset? Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con. This is an interesting way to stay out of it. Wait, you don’t want me to go?

 Because you don’t want her to go to Comic-Con. This is an interesting way to stay out of it. Wait, you don’t want me to go?

 This is an interesting way to stay out of it. Wait, you don’t want me to go?

 I just thought it would make you happy. O-o-o-okay, hold on, so if you don’t want to go and I don’t need to bring you, is everything good? Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go. All right, problem solved.

 O-o-o-okay, hold on, so if you don’t want to go and I don’t need to bring you, is everything good? Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go. All right, problem solved.

 Hold on, I’m trying to decide if I’m mad at you. No, I’m happy I don’t have to go. All right, problem solved.

 The place looks great. Did you guys get a maid? Kinda.  Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat. Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

 Kinda.  Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat. Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

 Dinner’s almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I’m sure you’ll like its cousin, bowl of meat. Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

 Hey, if you’re still looking to make money, I will pay you to burn that jacket.

 Now you can come with us. Yeah, there’s room in the bed by Sheldon’s feet. As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money. I would.

 Yeah, there’s room in the bed by Sheldon’s feet. As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money. I would.

 As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money. I would.

 As much as I appreciate this, I can’t accept it, okay? Halley’s my goddaughter, I don’t take care of her for money. I would. Keep it. Consider it a gift. Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?

 I would. Keep it. Consider it a gift. Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?

 Keep it. Consider it a gift. Hold on. Is it back pay or is it a gift?

 What’s the difference? When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight. It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that. So you’re not going to Comic-Con?

 When the IRS questions us in separate rooms, we need to have our stories straight. It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that. So you’re not going to Comic-Con?

 It doesn’t matter. I’m not keeping this. I’m trying to pay my own way and be responsible. Taking handouts won’t help that. So you’re not going to Comic-Con?

 Oh, how about we compromise and go on the Small World ride at Disneyland? You know what, I’m not gonna go either. I’m a father now. I’d rather spend time with my family. You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon. I’m gonna go check on dinner.

 You know what, I’m not gonna go either. I’m a father now. I’d rather spend time with my family. You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon. I’m gonna go check on dinner.

 You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon. I’m gonna go check on dinner.

 You just don’t want to go alone with Sheldon. I’m gonna go check on dinner. Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say? Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.

 I’m gonna go check on dinner. Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say? Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.

 Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say? Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con.

 Sounds like everyone’s staying home. What do you say? Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con. By yourself? Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.

 Nuts to that, I’m going to Comic-Con. By yourself? Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.

 By yourself? Not necessarily. I have four months to find some new friends.

 I’ll go with you. That’s very kind of you, Stuart. Check back in with me in July.

 Well, we can make some space in the garage. Maybe put a cot out there, get him a space heater, maybe a hot plate. That sounds awful. Let’s hope he thinks so, too.

 Hey, pal, you want to live here or not? Oh, uh, hi, Penny. Yes, please.

 Hi. Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine. What’s it for? Roofing.

 Hi, uh, Penny, this circular is addressed to occupant, but with our apartment switch, it’s unclear whether it’s yours or mine. What’s it for? Roofing.

 What’s it for? Roofing. Yeah, it’s yours. Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.

 Roofing. Yeah, it’s yours. Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.

 Yeah, it’s yours. Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room.

 Yeah, it’s yours. Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room. Yeah, for a little while. What about his dog?

 Okay, thanks. Just throw it out. Speaking of occupants, I’m given to understand Raj will be moving into my old room. Yeah, for a little while. What about his dog?

 Yeah, for a little while. What about his dog? She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal. I suppose that’s acceptable.

 What about his dog? She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal. I suppose that’s acceptable.

 She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal. I suppose that’s acceptable.

 She’ll be in her crate, it’s not a big deal. I suppose that’s acceptable. Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland. If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.

 I suppose that’s acceptable. Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland. If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.

 Well, Sheldon’s getting a little better with dogs. He even took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland. If real dogs gave me buttons, I’d like them, too. Well, I think it’s very nice that you’re helping out our friend.

 And I think it’s nice that you’re taking whatever medication Amy’s clearly giving you. And what is that supposed to mean? Well, it’s like that science thing. For every action, you have a gigantic and annoying reaction. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.

 And what is that supposed to mean? Well, it’s like that science thing. For every action, you have a gigantic and annoying reaction. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.

 Well, it’s like that science thing. For every action, you have a gigantic and annoying reaction. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter.

 Just when I thought you couldn’t get any hotter. Mm-hmm. If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it. Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.

 Mm-hmm. If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it. Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.

 If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it. Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it.

 If you’re implying that I’d have some problem with him moving into my room, you’re wrong. Raj is in a difficult financial situation, and I’m glad that he’s making changes to improve it. Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it. Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right. I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.

 Do not adjust the dosage. You nailed it. Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right. I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.

 Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right. I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room.

 Don’t listen to them. What’s weird is that Penny almost got a science fact right. I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room. But you are, aren’t you? Oh, I’m outraged. 

 I mean, it’s unfair; people just assume I’m going to be upset by Raj moving into my old room. But you are, aren’t you? Oh, I’m outraged. 

 But you are, aren’t you? Oh, I’m outraged.  Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. 

 Oh, I’m outraged.  Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. 

 Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me. 

 Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on. Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me.  There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room. Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.

 Well, that’s been my room since before I met Leonard, and now someone else is going to be living in it. And that someone else is not me. And you know how I feel about people who aren’t me.  There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room. Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.

 There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room. Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.

 There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room. For me, too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room. Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway. And there is the love of which I speak. I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.

 Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway. And there is the love of which I speak. I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.

 And there is the love of which I speak. I realize it’s irrational, but with Raj moving in there, I’m feeling a bit replaced.

 Anyway, thanks again. Hey, look at that. You’ve got a Raj, we’ve got a Stuart. Maybe we should take them both to the park and let them run around together. I don’t know. Yours looks like he has worms.

 Hey, look at that. You’ve got a Raj, we’ve got a Stuart. Maybe we should take them both to the park and let them run around together. I don’t know. Yours looks like he has worms.

 You ready to go? All set. What’s that? A housewarming gift for Raj.

 Well, a bunch of fake snakes better not spring out of it, ’cause that was a lousy anniversary present. It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello. Hey.  Hi.

 It’s nothing like that. I just, I thought about Raj’s situation, and I had a change of heart. You know, and regarding your gift, you said surprise me, and, boy, did I. Hello. Hey.  Hi.

 Perfect timing. Food’s ready. Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj. Wait, is anything gonna jump out of that. No. I already asked.

 Uh, wait, before we eat, I have a little welcome to the building gift for Raj. Wait, is anything gonna jump out of that. No. I already asked.

 No. I already asked. Thank you, Sheldon. It’s a blank notebook.  Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too. He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.

 Thank you, Sheldon. It’s a blank notebook.  Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too. He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.

 Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too. He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.

 He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to.

 Well, I had some of my best ideas in that room, and I’m sure you will, too. He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to. This means a lot. Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.

 He also never had sex in that room. That’s something else to look forward to. This means a lot. Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.

 This means a lot. Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated.

 This means a lot. Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated. Sheldon. Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.

 Well, I know this is a difficult time for you. You’re losing your apartment, you’re in debt, and you just, you must be humiliated. Sheldon. Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.

 Sheldon. Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words.

 Sheldon. Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words. Sheldon. I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.

 Oh, good grief. She is such a stickler for citing sources. Those were Amy’s words. Sheldon. I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.

 Sheldon. I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez.

 Sheldon. I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez. You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk. Can you believe this guy?

 I know, I know, good grief was originally said by Charlie Brown, geez. You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk. Can you believe this guy?

 You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk. Can you believe this guy?

 You’re right, I am humiliated. Thanks for pointing it out. You’re such a jerk. Can you believe this guy? Yes. I thought that was gonna break the other way.

 Can you believe this guy? Yes. I thought that was gonna break the other way.

 Yes. I thought that was gonna break the other way. Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place. Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.

 I thought that was gonna break the other way. Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place. Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.

 Come on, Sheldon. Maybe we should just eat at our place. Fine. You took my room. You turned my friends against me. I hope you’re happy.

 What do I have to be happy about? My life’s a wreck. How come he can say it and I can’t? Just keep walking.

 Hello, Sheldon. What a pleasant surprise. How are you? Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days. Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on? Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.

 Honestly, I’ve been better. Do you have time? Leonard says you’re very busy these days. Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on? Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.

 Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on? Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me.

 Oh, I just say that because he prattles. What’s going on? Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me. Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents? Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?

 Well, our friend Raj moved into my old room, and it’s brought up a lot of negative feelings for me. Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents? Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?

 Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents? Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer?

 Mm. Well, what do you think the loss of your room represents? Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer? Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes? I have.

 Beverley, you know I hold you in high esteem. Can we skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer, and get to the part where you tell me the answer? Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes? I have.

 Very well, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d still like to pause for effect. Now, you’ve recently moved in with Dr. Fowler, yes? I have.

 Hello, Amy. Your defensiveness may indicate similar insecurities about your relationship with Sheldon. That’s not true. She said defensively. This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.

 That’s not true. She said defensively. This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.

 She said defensively. This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.

 This isn’t about me and Sheldon. This is about Rajesh moving in with Leonard and Penny.

 You didn’t do anything, it’s Sheldon. That’d make a nice needlepoint pillow. So, relax. We’re happy to have you. Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice? Do you actually pay for that haircut?

 So, relax. We’re happy to have you. Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice? Do you actually pay for that haircut?

 Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice? Do you actually pay for that haircut?

 Thank you, but how do I know you’re not saying that just to be nice? Do you actually pay for that haircut? That’ll do it. Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?

 Do you actually pay for that haircut? That’ll do it. Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?

 That’ll do it. Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash?

 That’ll do it. Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash? Sheldon, she’s fine. Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.

 Hey, Raj, I owe you an apology. Look, could you please put your dog on a leash? Sheldon, she’s fine. Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.

 Sheldon, she’s fine. Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you.

 Sheldon, she’s fine. Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.

 Well, then at least hold her still so I can pretend she’s stuffed. Raj, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I unfairly took it out on you. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better.

 Thank you. I appreciate that. No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better. I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother. Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.

 No, I can’t take all the credit. I spoke with Leonard’s mother, and she made me feel better. I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother. Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.

 I don’t know who you talked to, but that wasn’t my mother. Beverly pointed out that I’m experiencing insecurities in my relationship with Amy, in the same way that Leonard and Penny are in their relationship.

 Thank you. Come on, I’ll get you some sheets. Then I’ll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine. Never should’ve had all these kids so close together.

 Come on, I’ll get you some sheets. Then I’ll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine. Never should’ve had all these kids so close together.

 You okay? I can’t sleep. What’s wrong? Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.

 I can’t sleep. What’s wrong? Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.

 What’s wrong? Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch.

 What’s wrong? Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch. Is that bothering you? Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. 

 Beverley believes I unconsciously consider my old room an escape hatch. Is that bothering you? Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. 

 Is that bothering you? Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything. 

 Is that bothering you? Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything.  I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain. What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?

 Yes. I don’t care for unconscious thoughts. My brain and I are best friends. It should tell me everything.  I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain. What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?

 I mean, how it relates to our relationship, not the bromance between you and your brain. What if she’s correct? Doesn’t that say something troubling about us?

 That’s great. How so? Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting. Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on? Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.

 Oh, the project is classified. I can’t tell you. Oh, I suppose I could redact the classified parts. All right, um, I came up with an elegant solution to the (honks horn) I used the (honks horn) And then I (honks horn) And that did it. (Car passes honking horn) Wow, I wonder what they’re redacting. Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on? Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.

 Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on? Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts.

 Why don’t you ask me what I’m working on? Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts. I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it. So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.

 Oh, very well. What have you been working on? And feel free to honk during the boring parts. I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it. So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.

 I’m doing some experiments to show that the signal to move a muscle occurs before you know you even decided to move it. So you’re attempting to pinpoint where consciousness resides in the brain.

 Well, what do you know? Here I was, waiting to be bored with biology, and instead you tickle my intellectual fancy. Which, unlike my body, is an okay place to tickle. You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.

 You know, when I was six, I wanted to marry the gorilla from Good Night, Gorilla. Maybe I was onto something.

 Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon. Unless it was singing Be Our Guest, I doubt it. Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up? The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.

 Unless it was singing Be Our Guest, I doubt it. Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up? The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.

 Yeah, I picked it up without thinking about it. Which raises a neuroscientific question, when did I decide to pick it up? The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.

 The bigger question is, what are you gonna eat with that spoon? You didn’t get any food.

 Amy is studying the time lag between intent and awareness, and I realized that applies to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics. Now, I recognize there will be a time lag between me saying that and you Googling what it means, so I’ll wait. I understand it, Sheldon. Yeah, me, too. I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?

 I understand it, Sheldon. Yeah, me, too. I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?

 Yeah, me, too. I’m sorry, I spaced. Are we still talking about the spoon?

 With your sales record, you have nothing to worry about. Mm. I went to your office Christmas party?

 You know, I like harp lessons, but I’m thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. What are you working on? I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation. Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses? It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

 I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized, if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics, we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen Interpretation. Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses? It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

 Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses? It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.

 Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses? It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow. Sheldon, this is really interesting. Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.

 It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow. Sheldon, this is really interesting. Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.

 Sheldon, this is really interesting. Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple.

 Sheldon, this is really interesting. Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple. You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship? That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.

 Yeah, and this one won’t stain my teeth purple. You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship? That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.

 You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship? That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules.

 You know, we’ve never collaborated professionally before. Are you worried it might affect our relationship? That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules. Well, that would make me feel better. All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.

 That is a valid point. Perhaps we should establish some ground rules. Well, that would make me feel better. All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.

 Well, that would make me feel better. All right, let’s start right now. Uh, rule number one, no using sexuality to get your way.

 Ooh, yes. Fun. Or we could do something we’ll all enjoy, like play a board game.

 Or we could do something we’ll all enjoy, like play a board game.

 Oh, good. What are they? Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish, Can I see that? Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.

 Okay, uh, number one, in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say. Unless I disagree. Oh, here. Number two, when we publish, Can I see that? Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.

 Can I see that? Oh, of course. I’ll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says Property of Sheldon Cooper.

 Terrific. Do you want to hear our new set of ground rules? Fire away. Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition. That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.

 Fire away. Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition. That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.

 Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition. That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0.

 Number one, we’re on the same team, we’re not in competition. That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0. Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid. Aw, someone drew a penis in it.

 That’s smart, because Sheldon 1, Amy 0. Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid. Aw, someone drew a penis in it.

 Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid. Aw, someone drew a penis in it.

 Number two, disagreements can happen politely. There’s no need to call an idea stupid. Aw, someone drew a penis in it. Are you listening? I’m sorry, go ahead.

 Aw, someone drew a penis in it. Are you listening? I’m sorry, go ahead.

 Are you listening? I’m sorry, go ahead. Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat. Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.

 I’m sorry, go ahead. Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat. Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.

 Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat. Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me.

 Number three, to avoid getting frustrated, we take built-in breaks and reward our successes with a small treat. Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me. Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work? Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.

 Ooh, that sounds fun. Now, we’re talking about real treats, right? Not Bible verses like my mother used to give me. Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work? Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.

 Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work? Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be.

 Whatever you want. So, shall we get to work? Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be. Wow. Look at that. Yes, this is remarkable.

 Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind. Oh, I know what I want my treat to be. Wow. Look at that. Yes, this is remarkable.

 Look, Raj just gets along with women.  I know, but he was my friend first. It’s like she’s stealing him and they’re just having the best time doing all their dumb girly stuff together. You sure you don’t fit in? You sound like a catty bitch to me.

 I know, but he was my friend first. It’s like she’s stealing him and they’re just having the best time doing all their dumb girly stuff together. You sure you don’t fit in? You sound like a catty bitch to me.

 I don’t know where we went wrong. Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense. Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it. Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.

 Yeah, the math is so inelegant. I’m not even sure it makes sense. Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it. Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.

 Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it. Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.

 Well, don’t give up. Maybe we can fix it. Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling. I can hear your face talking, so we’re even. All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.

 Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling. I can hear your face talking, so we’re even. All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.

 I can hear your face talking, so we’re even. All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races.

 I can hear your face talking, so we’re even. All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races. Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better? No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.

 All right, either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races. Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better? No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.

 Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better? No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine.

 Fine. Fine. You want me to blow my nose? Here, I’ll blow it. Better? No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine. You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea. Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.

 No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that’s me. Never mind, it’s fine. You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea. Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.

 You know, you’re exhausting. I knew working together was a bad idea. Hold on. I see what’s wrong here. We did the propagation only to the occipital lobe, not to the prefrontal cortex.

 You’re entitled to feel how you feel. If you don’t like it, you should just talk to her. I don’t want to sound like a jealous baby. Oh, then maybe you shouldn’t talk to her.

 I don’t want to sound like a jealous baby. Oh, then maybe you shouldn’t talk to her.

 I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn’t say anything ’cause you’re so sensitive. Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive. Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex. That is a daring and insightful solution. 

 Just because I am easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I’m sensitive. Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex. That is a daring and insightful solution. 

 Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex. That is a daring and insightful solution. 

 Hey, I wonder what kind of success we’d have if we defined measurement as the first moment that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex. That is a daring and insightful solution.  We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting. What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?

 That is a daring and insightful solution.  We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting. What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?

 We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting. What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress?

 We’re finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting. What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress? I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes. Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

 What if the fighting is the reason we’re making progress? I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes. Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

 I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes. Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture.

 I suppose it’s conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight-or-flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes. Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture. How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero. It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

 Well, if that’s the case, then your grandparents mumble and have bad posture. How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero. It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

 How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero. It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.

 How dare you speak that way about my Grammy and hey, wait a second. Wait. Delta T could equal alpha sub-zero. It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship. There’s only one clear choice. Science it is.

 It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science, or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship. There’s only one clear choice. Science it is.

 I’m sorry. What did you want to say? I don’t know, you pretty much covered it.

 Revised ground rule number one, we are on the same team, but it is a competition. Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk. Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face. I love that one.

 Excellent. Excellent. And on a related point, you’re going down, punk. Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face. I love that one.

 Revised ground rule number two, there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their stupid face. I love that one.

 We’ve had this planned for a week. Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning. Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon. Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?

 Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning. Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon. Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?

 Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon. Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?

 Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon. Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow? Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to. Hello.

 Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow? Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to. Hello.

 Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don’t answer. I’d love to. Hello.

 Hello. Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow? Because I am. But you said you were working with me.

 Why did you tell Leonard you’re working on the gyroscope tomorrow? Because I am. But you said you were working with me.

 Because I am. But you said you were working with me. Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom. I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

 But you said you were working with me. Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom. I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

 Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom. I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

 Uh-oh. Someone’s got two dates to the nerd prom. I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom. I’m sorry, what is this plan you have? Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.

 I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom. I’m sorry, what is this plan you have? Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.

 I’m sorry, what is this plan you have? Well, I’m not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.

 Soon. See, I could’ve said in the near future, but I didn’t say in the near future, because in the near future is three more words than soon. In, one, the, two, near, three, future, four. See, in the near future is four, soon is just one, four is more than one, saving time already. Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.

 Genius. I was gonna say, why does anyone think Sheldon’s a genius? But I didn’t.

 Gentlemen, I’ve got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work? Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal? These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup. It’s getting harder to pretend.

 Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal? These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup. It’s getting harder to pretend.

 These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup. It’s getting harder to pretend.

 These are hydration backpacks. For efficiency, whenever I’m thirsty I have access to water. When I’m hungry, I have lentil soup. It’s getting harder to pretend. Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter. Run down the pros and cons of each for me.

 It’s getting harder to pretend. Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter. Run down the pros and cons of each for me.

 Anyway, Sheldon, we’re at a decision point to run the xenon stream through the cryo-cooler or through the vacuum filter. Run down the pros and cons of each for me.

 Oh, sorry, uh, carrot chunk. You can just feel the time being saved.

 It can’t be four revolutions, it’s got to be seven. Seven? Look at the board, it’s four. Oh, my God, it’s seven. Four.

 Seven? Look at the board, it’s four. Oh, my God, it’s seven. Four.

 Son of a bitch, it’s five and a half. BRB. That’s short for be right back. I’m saving so much time.

 The two signals meet up in the corpus callosum and T equals zero. And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup. Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong. You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.

 Incredible. Sheldon, I didn’t expect that you could work on both projects, but I, I was wrong. You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That’ll never work. Spoiler, works.

 Well, don’t you think it’d be healthier if you told him what’s going on with you? Don’t you think it’d be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man? Your secret is safe with me.

 Don’t you think it’d be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man? Your secret is safe with me.

 Hey, since when do you do laundry on a Thursday? Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack. You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?

 Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack. You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?

 You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we?

 You know, there was a time I would say what’s a soup sack? But I’m glad we’re past that. (Sheldon sneezes) You know, there was a time I would say God bless you, and then you would say if you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor? And I would say, how do you know I didn’t mean Thor? And then you would say Touché, and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we? Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day. Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.

 Well, we have had some fun, haven’t we? Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day. Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.

 Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day. Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants.

 Oh, yeah. So, Leonard tells me you’ve had a busy day. Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants. Are you getting sick? Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.

 Hmm? Oh, I did. It hasn’t stopped. I figured out a solution for our navigation system while I was pre-soaking lentils out of my pants. Are you getting sick? Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick.

 Are you getting sick? Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick. Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard. I’m fine.

 Of course not. I’m too busy to be sick. Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard. I’m fine.

 Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard. I’m fine.

 Well, you’re pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard. I’m fine. All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen. That didn’t happen.

 I’m fine. All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen. That didn’t happen.

 All right. Well, we’ll just pretend that you didn’t catch a cold watching Frozen. That didn’t happen.

 No, I’m fine. You sure? Why don’t you think she’s fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I’d say, damn, that girl’s fine.

 You sure? Why don’t you think she’s fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I’d say, damn, that girl’s fine.

 Why don’t you think she’s fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I’d say, damn, that girl’s fine.

 Sheldon, you’re sick, go back to bed. I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry. It’s okay, now I don’t need butter. Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.

 I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (Sneezes) Sorry. It’s okay, now I don’t need butter. Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.

 It’s okay, now I don’t need butter. Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix.

 It’s okay, now I don’t need butter. Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix. You need sleep. What I need is to get to work.

 Well, perhaps I am a little under the weather. It’s nothing a little cold medicine and tea can’t fix. You need sleep. What I need is to get to work.

 What I need is to get to work. Well, I don’t want your germs around me. What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?

 Well, I don’t want your germs around me. What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at a hundred and two fever? What happened to our love?

 Sheldon, are you okay? What’s going on? How’d I get here? I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you. Home from work? What time is it?

 What’s going on? How’d I get here? I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you. Home from work? What time is it?

 I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you. Home from work? What time is it?

 I don’t know, we came home from work and we found you. Home from work? What time is it? It’s nine o’clock.  Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?

 Home from work? What time is it? It’s nine o’clock.  Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?

 It’s nine o’clock.  Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks?

 It’s nine o’clock.  Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks? Wait, you don’t remember? Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.

 Nine o’clock? What happened to eight and seven and all the other o’clocks? Wait, you don’t remember? Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.

 Wait, you don’t remember? Well, I remember waking up in the morning, Amy rubbing Vicks on my chest. And her hands were like two frozen chunks of tundra. I took some cold medicine to… I took cold medicine.

 At, at the lab? Why am I naked from the waist down? I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.

 I don’t know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.

 I don’t know, check your body for tattoos? Leonard, would you be a lamb? She’s kidding. Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.

 Leonard, would you be a lamb? She’s kidding. Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.

 She’s kidding. Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag.

 She’s kidding. Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag. It’s right here. Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. 

 Wait, wait. Where’s my bag? My phone and my wallet are in my bag. It’s right here. Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. 

 It’s right here. Where’s my notebook? My notebook’s gone. Oh, no. 

 Well, it’s not across the hall. That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor. You’re not going to prison. But, boy, it is funny to think about.

 That’s it. I’m in breach of my security clearance. I’m going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I’ll be forced to be some large man’s tutor. You’re not going to prison. But, boy, it is funny to think about.

 You’re not going to prison. But, boy, it is funny to think about.

 You’re not going to prison. But, boy, it is funny to think about. You really can’t remember anything? I’m trying.

 But, boy, it is funny to think about. You really can’t remember anything? I’m trying.

 Yeah, it depends on the privacy settings. Oh, that, that’s so cool. How do you, how do you turn that thing off? Relax. I know when you go for a run, you stop for a donut. I don’t even run there, I drive.

 Oh, that, that’s so cool. How do you, how do you turn that thing off? Relax. I know when you go for a run, you stop for a donut. I don’t even run there, I drive.

 Relax. I know when you go for a run, you stop for a donut. I don’t even run there, I drive.

 Relax. I know when you go for a run, you stop for a donut. I don’t even run there, I drive. Hang on, I can see every place you went. What does it say?

 I don’t even run there, I drive. Hang on, I can see every place you went. What does it say?

 Hang on, I can see every place you went. What does it say? Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard. Where?

 What does it say? Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard. Where?

 Uh, you were in the building, you were at the university, then you were somewhere on Colorado Boulevard. Where?

 I guess. And the best part is Halley won’t remember a thing. Babies are cute, but they’re dumb. I mean, I go like this, she thinks I’m gone, then magically I’m back. I mean honestly, why are we saving for college? I’m not crazy about you calling our baby dumb.

 And the best part is Halley won’t remember a thing. Babies are cute, but they’re dumb. I mean, I go like this, she thinks I’m gone, then magically I’m back. I mean honestly, why are we saving for college? I’m not crazy about you calling our baby dumb.

 It’s hard to say. Hey, Sheldon’s back. Sheldon! It’s getting clearer.

 Sheldon! It’s getting clearer. You gonna buy another round for the house? Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

 It’s getting clearer. You gonna buy another round for the house? Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

 You gonna buy another round for the house? Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

 You gonna buy another round for the house? Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert. Ask him. Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?

 Uh, no, thank you. We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert. Ask him. Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?

 Ask him. Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?

 Ask him. Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts? These here parts? It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.

 Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts? These here parts? It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.

 These here parts? It’s called fitting in. By the way, good luck.

 One top secret quantum guidance system. You understood the math? No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody. That’s just great.

 You understood the math? No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody. That’s just great.

 No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody. That’s just great.

 No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody. That’s just great. Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret. I swear.

 That’s just great. Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret. I swear.

 Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret. I swear.

 Oh, don’t worry, he made us pinky swear we’d keep it a secret. I swear. I swear:  Not to tell anyone.

 I swear:  Not to tell anyone. Not to tell anyone. The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.

 Not to tell anyone. Not to tell anyone. The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.

 Not to tell anyone. The top secret military information I’m about to tell you.

 You’re welcome. How is it? Yummy. And warm on my back. Do you need anything else? You know exactly what I need.

 Yummy. And warm on my back. Do you need anything else? You know exactly what I need.

 Do you need anything else? You know exactly what I need. Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. That’s nice. Now in German.

 You know exactly what I need. Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. That’s nice. Now in German.

 Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. That’s nice. Now in German.

 Fine. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr. That’s nice. Now in German. Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt. Great. Now Mandarin.

 That’s nice. Now in German. Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt. Great. Now Mandarin.

 Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt. Great. Now Mandarin.

 Wondering how it all began? You’ll need a good attention span. For information and entertainment. That’s equally effective.

 You’ll need a good attention span. For information and entertainment. That’s equally effective.

 For information and entertainment. That’s equally effective. It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags. Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

 That’s equally effective. It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags. Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

 It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags. Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner.

 It’s fun with flags, behind the flags, a retrospective. Flags. Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner. Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.  So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

 Mind you, when we say behind the flags, we don’t literally mean these flags. That’s just where we have dinner. Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.  So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

 Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.  So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds.

 Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering how Fun with Flags began.  So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds. Could have played that on my harp. Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

 So let’s hear from some people who were there at the very start. How, Howard, flashback sounds. Could have played that on my harp. Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

 Could have played that on my harp. Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born.

 Could have played that on my harp. Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born. I honestly don’t remember. Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

 Just roll the clip. (On voiceover) So tell us in your own words about that magical moment when Fun with Flags was born. I honestly don’t remember. Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

 I honestly don’t remember. Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations…

 I honestly don’t remember. Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations… Oh, wait. I remember. Oh, and do you remember what you said?

 Sure you do. I was telling you both the story about how Haiti and Lichtenstein discovered they had the same flag. It was at the Summer Olympics of 1936, and two plucky nations… Oh, wait. I remember. Oh, and do you remember what you said?

 Oh, wait. I remember. Oh, and do you remember what you said? Yes. Please find someone who cares. And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. 

 Oh, and do you remember what you said? Yes. Please find someone who cares. And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. 

 Yes. Please find someone who cares. And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones. 

 And that’s exactly what I did. I found a lot of someones.  Almost 200. Many of them on purpose. And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments.  And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

 Almost 200. Many of them on purpose. And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments.  And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

 And now we’re going to turn it over to you, the viewers, to call in and share your favourite Fun with Flags moments.  And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

 And don’t get discouraged if the phone lines are jammed. Just keep trying. (Long pause) Oh, thank God, welcome to Fun with Flags.

 Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It’s Bert. Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query? I have a girlfriend.  And what does that have to do with flags?

 Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query? I have a girlfriend.  And what does that have to do with flags?

 I have a girlfriend.  And what does that have to do with flags?

 They’re highly-trained educators with background checks. They’re even required to be current on all vaccinations. You leave her with me, and I’m not any of those things.

 He took the day off. Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am. So Howard back Monday? Yeah.

 Oh, let’s take advantage of his absence and tell the kinds of jokes only physicists get. I’ll go first. Okay, here. Uh, Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, did you know you were going 85 miles per hour? And Heisenberg says, darn it, now I don’t know where I am. So Howard back Monday? Yeah.

 Oh, hello. Hey. Want to join us? Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes. Oh, quick, sit.

 Hey. Want to join us? Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes. Oh, quick, sit.

 Ah-ah-ah, he’s a geologist, and I have more physics jokes. Oh, quick, sit.

 So, Sheldon says you have a new girlfriend. Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love. Well, I’m very happy for you.

 Yeah, which he rudely announced on my flag show. People were so upset about it no one else called in the rest of the night. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love. Well, I’m very happy for you.

 Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love. Well, I’m very happy for you.

 Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I guess I just love love. Well, I’m very happy for you. Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us? Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. 

 Well, I’m very happy for you. Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us? Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. 

 Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us? Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman. 

 Hey, we’re all having dinner tonight. Why don’t the two of you join us? Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman.  What do you want to know? Is she a geologist?

 Hold on. We don’t know anything about this woman.  What do you want to know? Is she a geologist?

 Hey, I already set up Howard and Bernadette. It’s your turn to ruin some poor girl’s life. Oh, hey, guys. Come in. Thanks. Everyone, this is Rebecca. Hi.

 I guess. It wasn’t until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth. On that charming note, dinner is served.

 Actually, I’m not new to this. I was engaged to a Scientologist. Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.

 Bert, Rebecca. I’d like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.

 Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. See? It was fine. I didn’t need a time-out.

 Oh, it’s such a cute story. We met on a dating Web site. Is that it? Oh, sorry. The end. That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.

 Is that it? Oh, sorry. The end. That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.

 Oh, sorry. The end. That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online.

 Oh, sorry. The end. That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online. I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile. What’d you do, delete your photo?

 That’s nice. I haven’t had much success meeting people online. I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile. What’d you do, delete your photo?

 I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile. What’d you do, delete your photo?

 I didn’t either, until I revamped my profile. What’d you do, delete your photo? Go. Fine.

 , Bert, you were telling us how you updated your profile? Right. I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner, and five minutes later I met my soul mate. I was wrong. You can come back in. So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?

 Right. I wasn’t getting any responses, and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner, and five minutes later I met my soul mate. I was wrong. You can come back in. So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?

 I was wrong. You can come back in. So, Rebecca, how did you become a personal trainer?

 Mm, just down there. She’s so perfect, sometimes I think she isn’t real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is. Aw, that’s so weird. I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

 She’s so perfect, sometimes I think she isn’t real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is. Aw, that’s so weird. I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

 Aw, that’s so weird. I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

 I’m sorry, Bert, but aren’t you worried she’s only with you for your money?

 That’s good. She’s not gonna see us all day, and she doesn’t even care.

 Hey. Yeah. Hey, sorry if last night was awkward. Actually, it got me thinking that I shouldn’t flaunt my money to find love. I might break up with Rebecca. Wow, that’s a big step. I think it shows a lot of character.

 Actually, it got me thinking that I shouldn’t flaunt my money to find love. I might break up with Rebecca. Wow, that’s a big step. I think it shows a lot of character.

 Yeah. Or we could take her to the aquarium. I’ll get her, you grab her bag.  Hang on, Halley, we’re busting you out of there.

 I’ll get her, you grab her bag.  Hang on, Halley, we’re busting you out of there.

 Hey, what’s up? I broke up with Rebecca. Oh. Oh. You know, good for you.

 She was also interested in walking around my house in her underwear. Now the only one doing that is me. If you’re that upset, go get her back. I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake. No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

 If you’re that upset, go get her back. I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake. No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

 I tried. She’s not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone. I made a huge mistake. No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

 No, you didn’t. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren’t right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I’m alone and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

 You realize they called when you took her. Guess who’s home from the aquarium?

 Sorry again for barging in. You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us. Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour. You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

 You don’t have to go. You’re welcome to hang with us. Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour. You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

 Actually, our friendship group is at capacity. But if anybody drops out, you’re at the top of the list. Unless it’s Raj, in which case, we’ll probably get a person of colour. You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

 You guys are nice, but I’m just gonna buy Rebecca a Jet Ski and see if that gets her back.

 I feel bad for Bert. So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny? It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time. All that and he’s shorter than me.

 So he’s using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny? It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time. All that and he’s shorter than me.

 It’s totally different. Bert’s money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time. All that and he’s shorter than me.

 Any time. Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.

 Let me just say good-bye. Halley. Look at Mommy. Over here, honey. Say good-bye to Mommy. Look at me. Look at your mother. All right, we can go.

 Hello. I’m Dr. Sheldon Cooper. And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together.  So welcome to tonight’s episode, 

 And I’m Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together.  So welcome to tonight’s episode, 

 Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags retrospective, we thought you might like to see how it all came together.  So welcome to tonight’s episode, 

 We’re pinned down. We can’t get through. Sheldon, get over here and help. Okay, one second.

 We can’t get through. Sheldon, get over here and help. Okay, one second.

 Aw. That’s it, we’re dead. Okay, challenge them again. Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

 That’s it, we’re dead. Okay, challenge them again. Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

 Okay, challenge them again. Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

 Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow.

 Okay, challenge them again. Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow. No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks. What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.

 Doing it right now. Oh, they can’t. There’s an important Little League game tomorrow. No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks. What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.

 No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks. What happened to me? I used to excel at these things.

 No wonder they beat us, they’re jocks. What happened to me? I used to excel at these things. Kids are always better at video games. Well, I don’t like it.

 What happened to me? I used to excel at these things. Kids are always better at video games. Well, I don’t like it.

 Well, I don’t like it. Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child. No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone. Oh, so our love is not real?

 Mm, if it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child. No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone. Oh, so our love is not real?

 No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone. Oh, so our love is not real?

 No, but it’s not just video games. I downloaded the new O.S. for my phone, took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone. Oh, so our love is not real? Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room. I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

 Oh, so our love is not real? Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room. I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

 Well, I know how you feel. I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room. I guess I just need to face it, I’m no longer a wunderkind. Now I just wonder what’s for lunch.

 Uh, yeah, sure, I’ll check with Leonard. Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.

 Cool, I’ll check with Sara. Sara, pull up my calendar. It never works for me.

 You’re gonna have to be more specific. At the hands of those teenagers. More. Boy teenagers.

 Boy teenagers. Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad. I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging. You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

 Oh, the video game. Yeah, that was bad. I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging. You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

 I started doing some reading on cognitive vitality, and I came across an area of research called super-aging. You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

 You know who’s a super-ager? Jennifer Lopez. Like, what is her secret?

 Now, this is rare. I don’t know which one of you I want to stop talking first. The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous. Like J-Lo’s hair. Boy, it is neck and neck right now.

 The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous. Like J-Lo’s hair. Boy, it is neck and neck right now.

 Boy, it is neck and neck right now. How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles? Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion. I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

 How is super-aging any different than, like, doing crossword puzzles? Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion. I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

 Well, it’s not just doing simple cognitive tasks. You need to push your brain out of its comfort zone and reach mental exhaustion. I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

 I drive you to work every day, my brain must look like the Hulk.

 Oh, she couldn’t make it. She had an emergency. Oh, no, what happened? I didn’t ask.

 Hey. Hey. What smells so good? Raj is teaching me to make croissants.

 Hey. What smells so good? Raj is teaching me to make croissants.

 What smells so good? Raj is teaching me to make croissants. Is this part of your super-aging? Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

 Raj is teaching me to make croissants. Is this part of your super-aging? Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

 Is this part of your super-aging? Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control.

 Is this part of your super-aging? Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control. Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these. Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

 Yes. Yeah, it seemed daunting at first, but then I realized, it’s like the chemistry set I had as a kid. Only, when your brother eats this, no one has to call Poison Control. Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these. Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

 Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these. Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do?

 Okay. Shall we? Oh, my God. It’s light, it’s flaky, it’s buttery. You don’t need to have sex with him, just eat one of these. Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do? Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills. For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.

 Yes, it is delicious. Physicist, baker, lover, what can’t I do? Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills. For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.

 Well, clearly mental tasks are not enough. Maybe you need to challenge your motor skills. For the last time, I am not having a tickle fight with you.

 You know, we’d make a great team. Or as we say in the menu business, I can’t do this without Me N U. Right, ’cause it spells menu. Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.

 Right, ’cause it spells menu. Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.

 Yeah, right? It’s funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that’s my favourite.

 Howard, I’m trying to make myself uncomfortable, not everyone else. So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz? Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle? Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

 So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz? Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle? Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

 Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle? Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

 Yes, I’m juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

 And it’s hard, isn’t it? So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one. Hmm? Okay, I think I got that. Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling. Is it I’m going to die alone?

 Okay, I think I got that. Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling. Is it I’m going to die alone?

 Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling. Is it I’m going to die alone?

 Uh, hold on. There’s an old saying in juggling. Is it I’m going to die alone? No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it. Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

 Is it I’m going to die alone? No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it. Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

 No, it’s if you want to have fun, start with one. Yours we think, but we do not say. All right, just toss it up and catch it a few times, get comfortable with it. Okay. Just to be on the safe side, am I in any danger of getting juggler’s elbow?

 You okay? You kind of look like Zack trying to figure out that tip. Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.

 Of course I don’t want you to be unhappy, but I also want you to be smart, and working for an ex-boyfriend isn’t very smart. You don’t have to stop, just slow down, I’ll jump out.

 How did you get from croissants to a unicycle? I hurt myself juggling. Where did you get it? Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.

 I hurt myself juggling. Where did you get it? Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.

 Where did you get it? Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever.

 Where did you get it? Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever. Have you tried letting go of the rope? What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.

 Howard said I could borrow it, Bernadette said forever. Have you tried letting go of the rope? What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.

 Have you tried letting go of the rope? What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle.

 Have you tried letting go of the rope? What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle. All right, well, have fun. Wait, I need help getting down.

 What, are you crazy? I’m on a unicycle. All right, well, have fun. Wait, I need help getting down.

 I disagree. Penny is a strong, independent woman. The more you try to control her, the more she’ll push back. So you think it’s okay? Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.

 So you think it’s okay? Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.

 Oh, no, she’s gonna leave you for someone, might as well get it over with.

 What are you doing? I’m returning this stuff to Howard. Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle? Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

 I’m returning this stuff to Howard. Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle? Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

 Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle? Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb.

 Oh. Well, Bernadette made me promise if you didn’t want it, we’d give it to a homeless clown. What happened to learning the unicycle? Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb. You said juggling was dumb, too. Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

 Oh, I stopped that, it was dumb. Uni, bi, tri, menstrual, all cycles are dumb. You said juggling was dumb, too. Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

 You said juggling was dumb, too. Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants.

 You said juggling was dumb, too. Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants. Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up? Are you calling me a quitter?

 Well, it is. If I wanted to hold three things at once, I’d wear cargo pants. Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up? Are you calling me a quitter?

 Sheldon, is it possible that when things get really difficult, you just give up? Are you calling me a quitter?

 No, no, no, no, you’re, you’re unhappy there and then you’re gonna blame me for making you stay, and it’s fine, I’ll just, I’ll suck it up. You don’t need to do that, it’s okay. Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

 You don’t need to do that, it’s okay. Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

 Yeah, see, now I feel terrible, like I’m being selfish and holding you back. What? Say something. Yeah, that is pretty annoying.

 I made you tea. Thank you. I’m sorry I called you a quitter. It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

 Thank you. I’m sorry I called you a quitter. It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

 I’m sorry I called you a quitter. It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

 I’m sorry I called you a quitter. It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me. What are you reading? This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. 

 It’s okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me. What are you reading? This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. 

 What are you reading? This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40. 

 What are you reading? This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40.  So? So I’m running out of time.

 This article says the peak age for making a Nobel Prize-winning discovery is 40.  So? So I’m running out of time.

 So? So I’m running out of time. That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you. Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.

 So I’m running out of time. That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you. Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.

 That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you. Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me.

 That’s ridiculous, you’re a brilliant man. The best years of your life are still ahead of you. Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me. Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books. Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.

 Oh, you have to say that, you’re sweet on me. Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books. Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.

 Well, if you’re really worried about your career, maybe you should consider spending a little less time with video games and comic books. Hey, I thought you were sweet on me.

 I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m tall and I’m doing it. (Waking up in bed) Ah, man.

 Hey, a toast. Thank you all for your support while we worked on our Air Force project. And please know that we could not have done it without you, so cheers. Cheers. You know, it’s nice of you to acknowledge us, but this is your accomplishment. Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.

 Cheers. You know, it’s nice of you to acknowledge us, but this is your accomplishment. Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.

 You know, it’s nice of you to acknowledge us, but this is your accomplishment. Yeah, you guys did this all on your own.

 Yeah, you guys did this all on your own. Without me. To success without Raj. So what happens next?

 So what happens next? Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us. Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C. First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.

 Phase two, we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us. Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C. First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.

 Yeah, I’ll definitely live long enough. Vitamin C. First thing tomorrow morning, we’re back at it.

 Hmm. I don’t care if this thing is burning out my retinas, it makes me feel special. Now, before we field test, I think we… What the hell? Where is everything? Who else has access to this room?

 What the hell? Where is everything? Who else has access to this room?

 You guys completed phase one, we’ll take it from here. Where did you move it? I can’t tell you that. Are you implementing phase two?

 Where did you move it? I can’t tell you that. Are you implementing phase two?

 I can’t tell you that. Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside? Williams: That one I can tell you, yes. This is all very upsetting.

 Wait, so you’re just going to take all the work we’ve done for the last year and toss us aside? Williams: That one I can tell you, yes. This is all very upsetting.

 Williams: That one I can tell you, yes. This is all very upsetting.

 Oh, hey, what’s going on? You won’t believe it, the military confiscated our project. What? You’re kidding. Why would they do that?

 You won’t believe it, the military confiscated our project. What? You’re kidding. Why would they do that?

 What? You’re kidding. Why would they do that? They wouldn’t say. I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.

 You’re kidding. Why would they do that? They wouldn’t say. I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.

 They wouldn’t say. I feel so betrayed. You know, all my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he’s the other kind.

 Oh, sweetie, you might not live that long. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go. Oh, stop it, he’ll be fine. I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.

 I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go. Oh, stop it, he’ll be fine. I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.

 Oh, stop it, he’ll be fine. I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.

 I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time.

 Oh, stop it, he’ll be fine. I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time. Got to go. Morning. I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.

 I guess. And he’ll have you and Leonard right across the hall the whole time. Got to go. Morning. I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.

 Got to go. Morning. I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time.

 Got to go. Morning. I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time. Are you feeling okay? Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.

 I apologize for exceeding my allotted bathroom time. Are you feeling okay? Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.

 Are you feeling okay? Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular.

 Are you feeling okay? Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular. Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.

 Not really. Apparently grief can make one less regular. Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.

 Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail.

 Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail. Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain. What’s the occasion?

 No, I sat and I sat, but to no avail. Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain. What’s the occasion?

 Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain. What’s the occasion?

 Oh, the more details, the more sorry. Well, maybe this’ll cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal, plain. What’s the occasion? No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you. You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.

 What’s the occasion? No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you. You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.

 No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you. You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you.

 No occasion, I just wanted to do something nice for you. You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you. Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own. Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.

 You’re so kind. You know, I don’t know how I ever got by without you. Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own. Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.

 Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own. Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you.

 Oh. That’s sweet, but you, you did just fine on your own. Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you. Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly. No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?

 Well, I thought that, too, but I’ve come to realize, I am completely dependent on you. Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly. No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly. No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it?

 Sheldon, you’re, you’re being silly. No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it? You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new. Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.

 No, to wake up every morning and know you’re there is a great comfort to me. Mmm, tasteless. How do you do it? You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new. Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.

 You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new. Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that.

 You know, what you need to do is put this Air Force project behind you and just dive into something new. Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that. Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks. I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.

 Well, there is our quantum cognition experiment. You and I could spend more time on that. Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks. I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.

 Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks. I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me.

 Oh, I don’t know, I mean, let’s say we succeed in proving that our consciousness creates reality. I mean, what will we have really accomplished? You know, a loaf of bread’s still three bucks. I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me. That is true, I have said that. Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?

 I’m confused. You’re always saying that you want to spend more time with me. That is true, I have said that. Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?

 That is true, I have said that. Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me?

 That is true, I have said that. Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me? I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton. Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.

 Well, a lot, it’s very annoying. Has something changed? Um, is there something that you’re not telling me? I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton. Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.

 I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton. Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.

 I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton. Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill. Yeah, that’s the one. Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.

 Princeton? A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught. And where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill. Yeah, that’s the one. Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations.

 Yeah, that’s the one. Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations. Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first. What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.

 Well, that’s wonderful. Congratulations. Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first. What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.

 Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first. What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important.

 Well, I haven’t accepted it yet. I wanted to talk to you first. What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important. So are you. Thank you, but I’ll be fine.

 What is there to talk about? You have to take it. It’s important. So are you. Thank you, but I’ll be fine.

 So, are you excited to have your own place again? I am, but I’ll miss you guys. Ah, we’ll miss you, too. You could try saying that without smiling.

 I am, but I’ll miss you guys. Ah, we’ll miss you, too. You could try saying that without smiling.

 Ah, we’ll miss you, too. You could try saying that without smiling.

 Ah, we’ll miss you, too. You could try saying that without smiling. I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing? What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.

 You could try saying that without smiling. I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing? What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.

 I’m trying. This is the best I can do. What are you doing? What does it look like? I’m playing sad harmonica in an apartment as empty as my heart.

 I got the blues. My baby done left me. Come on, Sheldon. Amy’s only gone for a few months. And now that I’m moving out, your old room is empty, so you can stay there whenever you want. Uh, could I talk to you in the hall for a sec? Yeah, sure.

 Come on, Sheldon. Amy’s only gone for a few months. And now that I’m moving out, your old room is empty, so you can stay there whenever you want. Uh, could I talk to you in the hall for a sec? Yeah, sure.

 Uh, could I talk to you in the hall for a sec? Yeah, sure. Sheldon, you’re being silly. Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.

 Yeah, sure. Sheldon, you’re being silly. Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.

 Sheldon, you’re being silly. Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall.

 Sheldon, you’re being silly. Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall. Do you really care about that last one? No, but that list was sounding a little thin.

 Am I? Yesterday I had an Air Force project, a girlfriend who lived with me, and my good friend Raj right across the hall. Do you really care about that last one? No, but that list was sounding a little thin.

 Do you really care about that last one? No, but that list was sounding a little thin.

 Hey. You going somewhere? No, but you are, so I got you this as a present. Sheldon, that isn’t necessary. No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.

 No, but you are, so I got you this as a present. Sheldon, that isn’t necessary. No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.

 Sheldon, that isn’t necessary. No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage.

 Sheldon, that isn’t necessary. No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage. Thank you. The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.

 No, it is. Leonard pointed out to me that I’m not always a loving and supportive boyfriend, so here’s some quality luggage. Thank you. The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.

 Thank you. The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it.

 Thank you. The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it. Does this mean you’re okay with me going? Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…

 The salesman said it could survive a plane crash, so perhaps you should fly inside it. Does this mean you’re okay with me going? Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…

 Does this mean you’re okay with me going? Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested…

 Does this mean you’re okay with me going? Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested… I am. Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.

 Well, I’m not looking forward to it, but it is a wonderful opportunity and you need to take it. Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it’s not like you’re gonna want to stay. Uh, I know it’s not your birthday, but if you’re interested… I am. Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.

 I am. Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going.

 I am. Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going. I wasn’t thinking that. Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.

 Okay. Oh, and just to be clear, I’m not being intimate with you in order to keep you from going. I wasn’t thinking that. Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.

 I wasn’t thinking that. Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you.

 I wasn’t thinking that. Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.

 Well, no, it’s just, I’m just warning you, you know, if you find yourself 3,000 miles away and craving a hit of this, you know, I can’t Skype it to you. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.

 That’s a risk I’m willing to take. All right, then. Let’s go to the bedroom, remove our clothes, fold them neatly and engage in frenzied lovemaking.

 I want to, but I don’t think I can. Whoopee! Okay, I’m good now.

 Okay, the car is waiting. Do you want to walk me downstairs? Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod. Is it? Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.

 Of course. Here, here, let me. I’ve been doing a little research on New Jersey, and I was delighted to learn that their chief agricultural product is sod. Is it? Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.

 Is it? Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve.

 Is it? Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve. Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while? It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?

 Hmm, yes. Yeah, perhaps I’ve been harder on them than they deserve. Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while? It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?

 Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while? It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?

 Do you think it’s possible you might enjoy being on your own for a little while? It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric? I’ll love you no matter what. Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.

 It’s hard to say. I’ve never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric? I’ll love you no matter what. Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.

 I’ll love you no matter what. Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles.

 I’ll love you no matter what. Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?

 Howard Hughes saved his urine in milk bottles. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?

 We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport?

 We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport? I will. And when you’re at the gate?

 And you’ll text me when you arrive at the airport? I will. And when you’re at the gate?

 I will. And when you’re at the gate? Uh-huh. And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?

 And when you’re at the gate? Uh-huh. And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?

 Uh-huh. And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class?

 Uh-huh. And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class? I don’t know what they look like, but sure. And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.

 And if you see any actors from Game of Thrones in first class? I don’t know what they look like, but sure. And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.

 I don’t know what they look like, but sure. And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive.

 I don’t know what they look like, but sure. And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive. I won’t. And every morning.

 And don’t forget to Skype me when you arrive. I won’t. And every morning.

 I won’t. And every morning. Got it. Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. 

 And every morning. Got it. Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. 

 Got it. Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello. 

 Got it. Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello.  Good thinking. And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.

 Now of course, my 9am is your noon, so let’s avoid the whole good morning, good afternoon minefield, and let’s just say hello.  Good thinking. And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.

 Good thinking. And just remember, I am proud of you and I support you in all that you do.

 Thank you. That means a lot. Oh, and one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist who’s as smart as me, as tall as me and has hair like Thor, well, then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.

 Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus. Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking. Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home? Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

 Now, I’ve learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk. Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate? They’re both shocking. Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home? Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

 Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home? Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that.

 Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home? Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that. I miss you. I miss you, too.

 Well, I’m a lot less likely to see an Eastern Goldfinch or be murdered, I’ll tell you that. I miss you. I miss you, too.

 I miss you. I miss you, too. It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

 I miss you, too. It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

 It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

 It’s so strange, earlier today I ended a sentence with a preposition and you weren’t there to correct my grammar. I’m sorry you had to go through that. In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you. You know you just split an infinitive.

 I’m sorry you had to go through that. In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you. You know you just split an infinitive.

 In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you. You know you just split an infinitive.

 In fact, that’s when I started to really miss you. You know you just split an infinitive. Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson? I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

 You know you just split an infinitive. Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson? I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

 Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson? I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.

 Did I? Are you gonna teach me a lesson? I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem. What are you gonna do about it? I’m going to admonish you.

 I am. It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem. What are you gonna do about it? I’m going to admonish you.

 I mean, not me, I’ve got a wife and child, but this one posts video of himself flossing on Instagram. It was a tutorial. And yes, I’m happy to keep Sheldon company. Great. Tonight he wants to look at ladders at Home Depot. Oh, why does he need a ladder?

 It was a tutorial. And yes, I’m happy to keep Sheldon company. Great. Tonight he wants to look at ladders at Home Depot. Oh, why does he need a ladder?

 Great. Tonight he wants to look at ladders at Home Depot. Oh, why does he need a ladder?

 He doesn’t; he just likes looking at them. Bring a book. Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc. Hello. Hello.

 Gentlemen. You may remember Dr. Nowitzki, She’s back at Caltech for her postdoc. Hello. Hello.

 Hello. Hello. Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you.  Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

 Hello. Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you.  Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

 Hi. Oh, let me bring a chair for you.  Oh, thanks. Dr. Nowitzki’s going to tell me about the work she did at CERN. And she brought me this duty-free Toblerone.

 A stranger just lured Sheldon away with a candy bar. Wait, isn’t she the grad student that used to follow him around? Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts. So what do you guys think that’s about?

 Wait, isn’t she the grad student that used to follow him around? Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts. So what do you guys think that’s about?

 Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts. So what do you guys think that’s about?

 Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts. So what do you guys think that’s about? Knowing Sheldon, nothing. So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.

 So what do you guys think that’s about? Knowing Sheldon, nothing. So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.

 Knowing Sheldon, nothing. So, tell me about your scalar dark energy experiment.

 Nowitzki. I googled her, she’s pretty cute. Really? All I got from Leonard was the Toblerone bar had nuts.

 Sounds like a big night. Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself? So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely? Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

 Yeah. Raj made the funniest joke, he said, which is the best ladder to use to hang myself? So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely? Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

 So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely? Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch

 So you’re keeping busy? You’re not lonely? Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch Who’s he? Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. 

 Oh, not at all. I’ve had outings with Leonard and Raj in the evening, and, oh, I had lunch Who’s he? Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman. 

 Who’s he? Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman.  Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her? Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

 Oh, Dr. Nowitzki is a woman.  Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her? Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

 Oh. Really? Uh, when did you meet her? Many years ago. Back when she was a grad student. She’s always been a huge fan of my work, and now she’s doing research at Caltech.

 Yeah, there’s a million reasons a woman would shoot Raj down. Like, really, a million? Fine, hundreds. Thank you.

 Fine, hundreds. Thank you. The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting. Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.

 Thank you. The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting. Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.

 The point is this could be nothing and we are all overreacting. Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki.

 Hey, everybody. This is my friend, Dr. Nowitzki. Hi. We just went swimming.

 I was scared, but I told myself it’s just a big bathtub. Then I got scared again ’cause there are all these strangers in my bathtub. I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day. Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts. Can I just squeeze in here?

 I was proud of him, a lot of people don’t put their face in the water on the first day. Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts. Can I just squeeze in here?

 Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts. Can I just squeeze in here?

 Well, I was hiding from a bee, but it still counts. Can I just squeeze in here? So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy? Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

 Can I just squeeze in here? So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy? Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

 So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy? Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep.

 So, Sheldon, have you talked to Amy? Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep. Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her. That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

 Yes, we skyped this morning and I’m sure I’ll check in with her before I go to sleep. Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her. That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

 Sheldon talks about her all the time. I can’t wait to meet her. That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone.

 That is true. She keeps asking how long Amy’s going to be gone. Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend? Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing? No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.

 Uh, so, Ramona, tell us about yourself. Do you, do you have a boyfriend? Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing? No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.

 Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing? No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships.

 Leonard, your wife is sitting right here. What are you doing? No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships. I think you made that very clear. She was part of the American team at CERN.

 No, my work doesn’t leave me a lot of time for relationships. I think you made that very clear. She was part of the American team at CERN.

 I think you made that very clear. She was part of the American team at CERN.

 I think you made that very clear. She was part of the American team at CERN. I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.  Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

 She was part of the American team at CERN. I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.  Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

 I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.  Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters?

 I had a front row seat when they detected the Higgs boson.  Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters? Absolutely. I’ll get them.

 Do you know, I’ve corresponded with Peter Higgs. Would you like to see some of his letters? Absolutely. I’ll get them.

 You think you should call Amy? You got fingers and a mouth, you call her.

 Are these all from Peter Higgs? Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me. Hello, Sheldon. Oh, hello, Amy.

 Hmm? Oh, no, no, no. They’re from many famous people. See? Oh, like this one. This is from Patrick Stewart. It says if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs. Oh, excuse me. Hello, Sheldon. Oh, hello, Amy.

 Hi. So nice to meet you. Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry. What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?

 So nice to meet you. Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry. What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?

 Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry. What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour?

 Uh-huh. Hang on. (answering phone) Hello. A little late, Leonard. Sorry. What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour? It’s not important. I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

 What is Leonard doing calling you at this hour? It’s not important. I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

 It’s not important. I must tell you, that seems a little inappropriate. Don’t you agree?

 Will you go with me? To do what? Shake a can of nickels at them? We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper. You done trying to make yourself feel better?

 To do what? Shake a can of nickels at them? We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper. You done trying to make yourself feel better?

 We’re being ridiculous. There’s no way a woman that attractive is trying to seduce Sheldon Cooper. You done trying to make yourself feel better?

 It was nice seeing everybody. Thank you for dinner. Sure. Our pleasure. Whatever.

 Pardon. I just need to., yeah. That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.

 Bye. We need to talk. What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.

 We need to talk. What? Is this about Leonard and Amy? I don’t like it either.

 Okay, I know you don’t have a lot of experience with women, but Ramona seems to have a romantic interest in you. That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend. Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more. That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

 That doesn’t make any sense. She knows I have a girlfriend. Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more. That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

 Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more. That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom.

 Well, sometimes women don’t care. Sometimes it makes them want a guy even more. That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom. Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect. I already do.

 That may be true, but Dr. Nowitzki’s just a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t have even noticed she’s a woman if she hadn’t worn that bathing suit that highlighted her bosom. Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect. I already do.

 Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect. I already do.

 Okay. Um, let’s try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect. I already do. Well, then you get it. Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.

 I already do. Well, then you get it. Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.

 Well, then you get it. Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable.

 Well, then you get it. Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable. Right. Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

 Because there’s only one of me, I’m more valuable. Right. Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

 Right. Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me.

 Right. Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me. Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe… Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

 Although, Amy’s already taken me out of my package and played with me. Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe… Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

 Let’s forget the toy thing, okay? Um, maybe… Penny, look. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

 All right. What do you think is happening? I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill. Don’t look at me like that, I tried.

 I think Dr. Nowitzki is a friendly colleague. I think you and Leonard need to see a marriage counsellor. And I need to update my résumé to include swimming as a special skill. Don’t look at me like that, I tried.

 Hey, did you eat yet? Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating. Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches. How thoughtful. Thank you.

 Uh, breakfast yes, lunch no. I did have a cough drop, but that really rides the line between sucking and eating. Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches. How thoughtful. Thank you.

 Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches. How thoughtful. Thank you.

 Well, perfect. I made us sandwiches. How thoughtful. Thank you. Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you. And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?

 How thoughtful. Thank you. Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you. And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?

 Mmm. No big deal, I enjoy spending time with you. And I with you. Question, are you seeking a romantic relationship with me?