 time, feedback, and candor. Your dedication to this contest makes it great.
Thank you, also, to everyone that has given feedback thus far.
And for everyone out there contemplating your votes (you good-looking, clever folks you):
Whirling Zombie Blender of Dooooooom!
Tell your friends.
The name sets this up for something the text doesn't live up to. I was expecting something more evocative based on the word "tempest". In fact, you do that in your latest post. I do think it's an interesting monster, and you've done a great job in describing its role.
I think it would have been a stronger entry if it its origins were left a little more secretive. The reasoning is I for some reason see this as a devious creation by a dijini (sp?)
"man sized area" - might have been better phrased as'medium sized creature', thus losing some visual keys that it looks like a human. Unless that is what its supposed to look like.
"The limbs..." Could have been written: 'The limbs flail in the midst of its vortex bludgeoning intruders with powerful blows that push the invaders away from its guarded item or location.'
I also have a minor issue with the use of necrotic in the name. None of the abilities invoked necrosis.
I also have issue with it being silent all time. If you started spinning body parts around fluids are going to be splattering around, and the spinning bits would make a whizzing sound.
Play wise it has some problems. As a player could I just stick out my sword and watch this creature impale itself until its nothing more than spinning mass of soggy goo? What happens when a ranger shoots it? Since it has a leashed aggro radius what happens when an intruder retreats to just beyond the radius?
Love the concept, even with the flaws
Not bad but not good. Solid meh. So much so that I actually found my attention drifting to what the latest thread updates in the sidebar were while reading this.
I have to agree with this assessment. It's reasonably generic, but that's both a blessing and a curse. Solid, yes. Superstar? I don't know.
Still, the best of luck to you!
My biggest issue with this one is the name, actually. It's got a very 4e vibe to it, and I really dislike the 4e monster naming style.
Nothing wrong with this one, but nor does it seem to add anything new. Mentally I see it as an icky zombie.
First impression: EEEEEWWWWWW!
Second impression: BLEEUUUGGHH!
Third impression: Okay, I think I'm alright now. I just need some fresh air.
Seriously, I think you've created the grossest monster in a gross field. The concept is so simple it's brilliant. Hmm, I wonder what necrosurgeons do with all those leftover body parts? You can't just throw them out; the corpse-stitcher will get them.
Then again, maybe it was a bet between two necromancers. "One hundred gold pieces says I can pump enough negative energy into that pile of butcher scraps to make it get up and try to kill you." "You're on."
Note: Necromancers with a sense of hygiene need not apply. This one is messy.
I don't care for the name. Necrotic tempest sounds like it should be a vortex of pure negative energy. Charnel swarm would be better; that would tell us exactly what this monster is about. However, if it is supposed to be a swarm, it wouldn't be "roughly man sized"; swarms are at least 10 ft by 10 ft in Pathfinder.
That aside, this in an excellent entry. Frankly all the entries are excellent, but only half of you contestants get to move on to round 3. I don't think you'll get one of my votes, but I hope you advance.
I like this one, it's simple and seems like a no brainier, it should be around but never has been. Nice flavor, not the most out there of the entry's but one I would use with ease.
The limbs that flail from the midst of its vortex are used to bludgeon intruders, its powerful blows pushing them away from its guarded item or location.
So, if it bludgeons you with the limbs it used to put itself together, is the damage based on the size of the limbs? What happens if the limb has claws or other natural weapons of some sort? Can you grapple an individual limb from inside the "vortex" and rip it out?
Praise:
It's gross, really gross. I respect the commitment to an idea. Presented simply, and straight to the point. Smell, sound, visual, and even tactile queues are all given or suggested. A simple monster for a straightforward dungeon crawl.
Concerns:
This is, in essence, a trap. It lays hidden, and deals damage to the PCs when they cross a certain point. It is immune to mind-affecting, disease, and poison. As described, it is pigeon-holed into a very specific niche: This monster is to stand in one place in a grody dungeon until the PCs enter, attack them, and yield XP. It lacks any special attacks that I can see, but could benefit from some kind of "catch"; something to give it a little character and say "this thing will bludgeon you to death and X", where X makes the PCs say "oh sh--, what did we get ourselves into".
Overall:
Not terribly original. A really gross trap that flung literal body parts and did xdx damage would be effectively the same thing. And though this entry DID just inspire me to make a trap that does just that(plus blades!) in my next "gross dungeon", it lacks in depth.
Good visualization and description. Being completely silent is just creepy!
The vortex part is important, as with out it, it reminds me of something I saw in my wife's Anita Blake comic.
The name makes me expect something...larger. That it's man-sized is a bit of a let down. It should have been Large at the least as this would allow more whirling parts, making it appear more threatening.
Necrotic Tempest
This is a really good monster idea. In last week's game, two of my players decided to take on a mob of about 40 zombies by themselves; since the dungeon's location is awash with negative energy, I'm now seriously considering having them fight a necrotic tempest that rises from the charnel pile they left behind when they revisit that room on the way out.
I'm unsure if this entry is Superstar vote-worthy, but the concept is still quite solid, and I get a good idea of the monster's appearance and what the stat block should be like from reading your description.
Yeah, I gotta agree that this is just too close to the Bonestorm. You can't be expected to know every creature that Paizo has printed, especially in their 3.5 adventures, but at the same time, I know this creature has already more-or-less been done. It's unfortunate, but I don't think I'll be able to vote for this one.
Going by what's written in the Powers and Abilities section, this may as well be a swarm of zombie body pieces.
This monster is not likely to show up in encounters except where it has been told to guard a specific location. The entry specifically says it doesn't chase opponents, so unless you have a two foot wide tempest filling a two foot wide doorway that the PCs really need to get through in a hurry, as soon as they set one off PCs can withdraw, strategise, discuss tactics, and either find another way around it, or come back at it prepared to destroy it.
My overall impression is of a monster that might exhibit a spark of an original idea, but which is uninteresting and unlikely to serve much purpose in game except as an obstacle that has to be bypassed. Although that said, once a group of PCs set one of these off they may well prod everything else remotely suspicious with a ten foot pole before advancing.
Thank-you for submitting this entry.
This one feels like it's being gross just to be gross. There's a niche for that (and there's a swarm of undead organs in Pact Stone Pyramid, and I liked their use there, so why shouldn't I like this one?). I suppose I just don't feel like this monster really takes that grossness anywhere interesting. It's dead body parts, they fly around and bonk you on the head, and they're scary.
Overall: It's okay, nothing bad here. Just nothing inspiring either.
Necrotic Tempest
Necrotic Tempest
A whirlwind of necromantic refuse?!
Creativity/ Innovation.
We already have seen dismembered body parts, alone or in swarms, crawling or floating, intelligent or mindless, in all variations.
This just jumbles some of them together in a whirlwind like monster. ( which also have been done to some degree)
And it doesn't even have any interesting powers. It can hit you (with added bull rush) and has a fear effect. Thats it.
Tilt:
I'm not excited. An animated heap of garbage doesn't make me jump up and want to write an adventure, story or even encounter about it.
If I would see this in a big book of monsters, I would