stupid little attempt livinglived mentally ill mom brain offline immense stress fear voice mom makes brain nobody ever asked feel im able say im feeling well delusion fear people told practice others theatre soft therapy shit never felt like human constant inner pure disgust myself look mirror  years straight almost never teen never really able talk classmates sweating move freely every movement felt like give command somebody else movement every sentence immensely exhausting several conversations person met theatre  playing  leads mw painful every day creature controlled me frightened animal pure protective psyche  lifelong regression took belt strangled itself laying mattress totally dirty room tried use strenghes speak make person laugh problem check imprint red marks visible cause look mirror want others ask questions make wonder almost conversations life total social deprivation looking quite good girls wanted get know me looked me walked me even gay people liked much brain constant fear talk even think clearly see human allowed take part life fighting fighting agonizing condition feeling time self addicted digital heroin  games movies tv radio music  since  never concept self consuming distraction crap never able produce thoughts actions meaning totally dependent told do mostly told nothing shit like damn zombie never able think obvious cure living apartment live full human life peace nobody told could get own told live mom made really damn sick youth even s really delusional emotionless psychopath friendly felt nothing fascination small stupid things like clouds colors trees art senseless crap like this this beautiful nice help no always told fear people believed them worked fear good  years  errr yes no never felt anything live came hospital illness another apartment state pure fear shame disgust all life even asking questions almost impossible saying first word looking others eyes fuck one command  get apartment one meeting empathetic personteacher everything would good messi last  years also youth living dirty place collecting things moments gave little joy living fantasy never thought could take part myself amazing  too never knew since nothing playing video games earliest youth really think repeat life better like parallel universe shit not okay too almost nothing remember nothing happened struggle wandering around more brain capable thinking itself myself constant feeling running life living mommy  propably early childhood trauma hear voice get mad life tried fight control myself hoping better yes errr no good possible human stupid alone even though family  care stupid little attempt living waiting     years get better nobody ever cared talking laughing friends living mom sit front black mirrors time human pure apathy human nope special name school corpse cause quiet damn brain