ventingdepressingshit fucked fucked upill place disclaimer here vent im seeking hang there life gets better lovely butterflies sunshine rainbows crap theres actual advice there would appreciated long story short back wall im tired fighting keep head water basically last  years life pretty much pingpong really good really miserable homeschooled grew two brothers friends lived rural area neighbor kids best friends life younger siblings family relatively normal save mothers drive good scores good university  good life aside getting ged age  things pretty much ok took sport excelled top ten nationally younger brother made world team basically three us constantly shoved one another upwards climbed national rankingsthe first one world team ironically would one never national champion first week university officer walks bio class pulls there accident brother killed himself publicly announced hundred students state quite christianwell get back that parents freakout mode younger brother goes catatonic eldest sibling get call family close family friends get help circling wagons end day brother deliberately kill himself dropped loaded gun snagged hook that gone th inch way wouldve missed left likely terrified alive fast forward pretty much immerse school sport family pretty much shattered trying find way change majors everyone major either  pitied  told hoped ok brother hell nice folks ultimately started transferring colleges  get state  get away family try get head clear  escape everyone knew this athletics made national champion surviving brother told continue making monetary stipend best interests go work national coach  months later shoulder dislocatedi opted limp things  years finally getting surgery learning labrium separated shoulder partial tears along four tendons video analysis doctor physical therapist agreed coach teaching long term effectsi lucky one get early put athletics perspective trained  hours week including gym time cross training etc stayed fulltime student landed top university final transfer life revolved around sport school mom insisted good grades etc got b keeping things line wanted kill myself stabbed arm razor times various halfassed attempts get things dealt with top  events without good reason id feel awful missed olympic team points honestly mind much bad grade losing brother rough met girl awesome thing  yo men dumped  months ok met another girl also awesome love loved figured better nothing occured school im graduate atso now meanwhile years efforti slumped sport last two years ive top  barely winning easy collegiate eventsand often lose guys halfassing it ive worked best coach world two years think hes awesome know form methods workand cant pull out event got depressed making world team got wasted accepted blowjob random girl which still reading yes cheated girl thought awesome moving on ive spent last  months state massive regret trying hide night girl steadily picked apart figured things out morning phone buzzed text guessed password blowjob girl sent text saying hey tested stds blew you summarize apologize long was  im  job skills life aside academics  best friend brother died first week college  fucked cheated one person related me thinks im good guy  knows alternative feelings good guy thing  recently one best sport two consecutive years failure feel like trash  social skills homeschooled friends feel like complete shit  tldr im douchebag trying get life back order figure killing best thing everyone involved knife italy thats razor sharp anatomy chart wall pretty sure time around pull off