impulsively suicidalim  years old fractured abusive home life growing up alcoholic stepfather threatened kill regularly also alcoholic absentavoidant mom absenteeabusive real father friends high school bc bad home life fact overweight college lost weight amp fell prey partying empty rich sociopathic girls drained tried alternately abuse control me compulsive liars use people throw away spent way much time college racking debt mediocre job result ive moved seattle recently gotten decent job money isnt enough live comfortably friends ive tried repeatedly make here one ever sticks around dont car cant afford one right now also dont drink bc makes sick depressed clearly also come family alcoholics cuts lot socializing introverted boyfriend year half spend time with car makes twice much amp little debt think hes growing sick me refuses move wants study get another degree amp let know would take time hes working personally think move get away me doesnt really friends either aside coworkers dont really care coworkers bc party drink much family scattered country isnt really communicative two siblings none us married children estranged father nursing hone early onset alcoholinduced dementia mother leads solitary life dog amp financial emotional support give support system seattle one cares me wants friend friends home hometown actively dont like me withered fallen away hate body hate aging think aged poorly severe body dysmorphia cant stand sight myself desire children desire create anything see life getting worse lonelier goes on see world getting uglier goes on might impulsively kill myself pain coursing sometimes intense feels like spine lightning rod want cut myself punish destroy myself feel though ugly accident misfire abomination wasnt meant exist thing would set right would end life