let postive wrestled suicidal thoughts since ten years old figured phase since everyone went and goes sad times soon disappeared would rear ugly heads time time figured something deal life  realized something wrong around  suffered bullying elementary school felt suicidal then transferred  another school bullying got worse new school however safe kind environment found lot new friends found typical firsts  first real group friends first girlfriend first outings hangouts classmates things even participated activities representing school like spelling bee oratorical contest great time friends today still ones gained school graduated headed college first directionless took year economics but truth wanted journalism felt miserable look forward day though gained friends close high school friends boredom loneliness started crafting concepts stories became escape lucky survive year economics soon moved another college time journalism course enjoyed time learned lot also gained friends wed hang ice cream parlor grateful time learned lot things  life operates graduating college directionless soon found footing still peak life time life felt get better job dj local radio station fun also met girl  coworker fellow dj  really liked her close essentially shifts right next other felt something romantically something held back expressing truly felt aside though also gym first time loved it watched ate trainer also became like big brother me became confidant life aware troubles well aspirations writer someday indian well point learned lot different cultures experiences world came britain lived singapore married filipino woman experiences shared stories new eyeopening realized phases life lot things would change people would come go would change hairstyle would change manner clothing interests hobbies would sometimes shift something new would always one constant  would feel miserable life think even miserable peak gym radio heartbreaking painstaking me soon quit gym radio resorted neetjobless bum year family issues took drastic turn mother resented anything life getting job turn father figure blamed shortcomings mistakes siblings would make firstborn guess things would part life also maybe demons would always part life too ive always called demons ive never doctor get diagnosed something theyd take shape pretend old friends id let every single time falling lies now im english tutor local learning center feel like going work today wanna lie bed slink starve probably die sadly thats something cant life goes demons gnawing away me forced carry like baggage scares realize normal all still here supposed leave looked best gym found good job found girl could with supposed leave never come back happy thought demons manifestations sadness anger misery boredom werent theyd always know are destroying inside out maybe let feel nothing live  feel directionless much heading college theres quote movie doctor strange ancient one said learn live demons cant even always crack ground stand on take right them thank anyone would read this needed get out