tell fianc still feel suicidalive dating fianc  wonderful months met redflagdepression support chat given happiness stability unending loveunderstanding future goals something never thought would have truly changed life however passively actively suicidal since  genetic illness affects joints makes everyday life painful limited abilities used athletic busy slim barely walk gained weight though im still skinny really shouldnt complaining worst part illness ripped vet tech career right hands really gaining traction found dream job ericu career passion one jobs physically able honestly devastated me go phases im ok phases feel like im mourning couldve been condition gotten worse stuck internlevel position dream job because physically employer amazing worked make sure income go back icu floor hit one bad phases want selfdestruct everything around wont hurt anyone myself this second guess fianc ridiculous illegitimate reasons want push away wont get infected hurt changed life love heart cant keep going phases needing destroy everything around without knowing tell him dont want make feel like isnt good enough something like that also dont want force problems dark cloud life dont want die right now really need tell someone especially him heart squeezes every day need selfdestruct lay awake night second guessing everything word gain support without pity hurting process