suicidal also particularly want live im pretty sure heart attack yesterdayso ive struggled thoughts redflag since kid ive strongly convinced want kill myself number reasons im issues figuring think recent events im currently selfemployed uninsured uninsured part stupid know think makes too much difference here given feel this running errand motorcycle yesterday started feeling uncomfortable  particular chest feeling tight started feeling weak tried ignore first pretty soon felt like stop get water would pass out pulled fast food place ordered fries got water bites several cups water felt bit better minutes later wanted lay  vomit went outside walked nearby parking lot hopefully people wouldnt see me laid pavement threw bit later left arm went numb kinda suspected going point phone told even wasnt heart attack needed go hospital right now heh looked much heart attack costs decided call  figured that super pathetic way place die im ok letting go here andafter hour felt ok today felt tired tried going walk chest hurt again head back home im pretty sure survived heart attack yesterday im wrong relatively fine still obviously right thing go doctor get checked out im that heart isnt halfdead thats great really is id rather die face rest life financial ruin guess im struggling figure think this do seems like bunch things think im die even maybe almost died yesterday  even heart attack  could still also probably live years dont want scare people talking dying also dont want gone unexpectedly opportunity say goodbye make arrangements do