ive hit rock bottom cant see anymore anxiety drugs covid lonelinessthis first post here anxiety disorder ptsd utterly alone started thinking lot death months ago  idea dying past days ive begun think killing myself im afraid make phone call anyone want family find out im putting here anxiety really bad months spend days feeling uncomfortable shake heart pounds feel disoriented experience depersonalization ive house several months due covid anxiety even going outside medications issues seem ever make symptoms go away fall relationship longterm became strained due issue family began smoking weed every day rarely saw sober also started treating badly sex ridiculing perform wanted got point started panic attacks wanted sex stoned covid came followed stayat home rules finally saw other apologized high around time said hed stop also apologized behavior everything seemed like right path  ghosted me three years together quit communicating week ago heart physically hurts answers started smoking weed time also started could headspace was made feel terrible  depressed anxious cloudy headed confused swore id house covid came broke promise brought house ive smoked every evening since absolutely hate it oldest kid transferring college far away weeks coming home weekends anymore youngest kid planning leave distant college well came shock thought theyd stay community college first two years kids father lived nearby coparent moving away well family now company ive worked thatn  years restructuring end year lose office work  home longer see workmates possible may decide worth keeping fire me might able save job move states away leave home  years family friends state gyms closed social events shut down travel allowed ways could even try connect another human gone days pass even know day unless meeting reminder comes im working belong anymore purpose physical mental hell utterly alone