long story  need supportive depressed suicidal long time gotten worse past year started last year chose best friend one take virginity trusted him felt honored chosen him big deal unfortunately got really bad ovarian cyst right away promised wait completely better broke promise started dating cheating girlfriend months after another boyfriend cheating best friend made excuses wanting break original boyfriend best friend fact broke promise really hurt me months started dating her sexually harassed way home school public train winter guy started harassing me another man defended me however offender proceeded threaten guy saying going shoot him pull gun threat there got train soon doors opened that wanted see best friend support told happened asked could meet weekend the incident took place monday but decided spending weekend cheating girlfriends place important helping me keep feelings everything anymore decided talk best friend it got fight it turns forgotten promise made permanently changed way saw world people always say think loved ones would feel committed redflag did help think easy forget promise big easy forget someones existence committed redflag one would miss me theyd simply forget me abusive family friends everyone matter also tried justifying choosing stay cheating girlfriends place supporting me thing is like trouble need support anything also work needed him moment need picked girlfriend something promised never do guess broke promise desperation considering many failed relationships hes had said considered guy harassed bluffing gun course considered police however threats using weapon taken extremely seriously plus know bluffing not could been could also serious told work understandable able see time going girlfriends house instead helping important time not go house time said still chose cause wanted to fought more hurl insults there said hes going talk insulting spending time girlfriend eventually apologized made up thing is damage done im still hurt everything completely forgiven either cant look world same combined living abusive household made family family friends eating im skinny taken toll think redflag almost time one talk to ive tried antidepressants ones ive tried far worked me im still looking right one see psychiatrist counselor school summer break cant see anyone now especially live narcissistic mom ive attempted redflag times summer including birthday cant stop thinking redflag know do ive contacted hotlines times want nuisance theyre always helpful nothing seems working anymore want die wish never born hate world want anymore