trying breathe keep eyes swelling shutit time  preparing magnificent son born july  gave birth perfectly healthy boy completely love name liam james taylor everyone loved him planned wanted perfect was things tell mom reduce statistical likelihood sids even them even good kind soul loves god still wake middle night find son unresponsive  days old hell giving newborn baby cpr getting anywhere course called help took away hospital sent waiting room prayed gave him let die thought god woke could help him let hold little body the police investigate shock agreed investigated course rhese things happen fault found every night awoke check baby evolutionary trait hard wired brain women give birth people complain post partum depression clothes fit life stressful responding many demands growing family postpartum depression baby strange awful try sad time try supress intense negative feelings try control grief sad often contemplate redflag husband often tells contemplates redflag people say im depreseed get bed think sounds luxurious im trying cry desk