im ashamed amwhen  became truly depressed first time went public school finished grade  part time job realized life hard would need learn get fall nothing could prepare state mind ended in way people towards structure western society appeal me experiences peers school adults like parents teachers made miserable dint want grow things expected didnt want it took bike one night rode part town theres lots homeless drug users founds one buy oz rum liquor store rode back across town favorite place near river drank bottle tryed open wrist enough bleed ended passing drink pain lots crying beforehand next day hot day mid summer sun high  soo dehydrated could barely move sun cooking open hours didnt river close im pretty sure would died dehydration minor amount blood loss later tried get back bike go home made back road lost conciseness moment feel ditch side road filled black berrys someone driving road saw fall managed pull out family devastated learn done rushed hospital soon got home police already talking parents spent rest day hospital vomiting river water talking blood samples  years ago now last night lost drivers licence third probably final time  pretty much destroys future career plans little self esteem had life feels like nightmare everything wanted avoid killing  happend worse imagined even things going good theres piece missing cant happy shut world  friends  girl idea happy theres something clearly wrong here im good looking well mannerd young man family loves supports way live im clearly ungratefull peice shit  dont deserve family ive caused soo much pain years thought hurting thing thats stoping another attempt dont think im going make anymore  cant man want cant even take care anymore