reflections trip home longon trip back home realized something people want see mask real me one wants see real me parents ask doing mask says fine real thinks redflag weekly sometimes daily basis parents ask going children looking forward grandchildren mask laughs says day maybe real goes wtf hate children even meet someone wont raising child hate them people force talk future joy mask real asks future joy cant see future past next month joy watching friend graduate joy joy sadness seen behind mask nearly enough understand it also saw behind it basically told put mask back on blows plans made later evening supposed last hooray moves across country deserts it story life people ask enjoying new location mask says great loving it real hates wants nothing return previous location friends people ask memorable call new job emergency services dont want memorable call want funniest call memorable call one try forget daily basis mask tells funny antidote guy lamp real tries force sound childs voice head people ask it first time mask real agree something dont know dont know able get bed morning dont know able go work every day dont know able take constant abuse supervisors dont know able go classes masters dont know things possibly biggest mystery still alive thought many times night killing since last september  iterations plan adapted changed situation changed well preferences thinking plan weirdly comforting feels like safety hatch pulled point feels comforting know end misery point choosing feels like nice warm blanket parachute wrapped one maybe keeps going thought stuck way out weirdly makes want keep going things get worse always pull trigger allows go sleep night gives courage life gets fucked decision made bail allowed stand boss get fired what drive risky kill car accident sparred grief spurs on also makes miserable still want die still think death much better world would without me life sucks want everything end quickly possible want shit show call life want something different want things get better never seems do hope to expect worse every situation everyone never disappointed tldr reflections recent trip back home still alive yet dont want caring spurs on