seriously contemplated redflag never followed it made continue livingi depression im hysterically sad anything like right now ive come realization again simply anything want live for closest thing feel could live right now help parents pay house debt out gratitude much helped me even motivation greatly hinges emotionalmental well eg whenever piss off makes want help them maybe job becomes unbearable biggest reason im still alive im afraid family react im gone besides that absolutely passion life seriously highlight day eat even moment becoming bland every day things used make happy primarily video games excite anymore lost nearly interest life ive lost nearly motivation speaking people going sound like weird contradiction mind feels like theres tornado inside it filled stress confusion associated life responsibilities heart feels low unmotivated want guys think im planning killing soon anything like that seriously want give stuff save  sever contact family friends take bus beach figure there