 suicidali born  family fights grew hometown till  never probably remember seeing father moved city village  things got complicatedi kid never anyone play sister born thought lucky someone play all suddenly lost attention parent felt lonely preferred school home good school things changed hit puberty understanding world changed chaotic lonely time first thoughts suicide getting bad grades family constant fights everything past decided end forced join boys scout really hard someone already controlled environment  joining made worse criticised everything could manage school pressure peaks little friends family member would rely on confidence family would even flinch bit disappeared guess what attempted  suicide attempts row third time attempted body could handle literal moving dead body months even recovering wished would die planned things cannot even imagine worst part nowhere girl class proposed me shock eventually fell love lived happily year perspective life changed grateful her devastated day said would want anymore would concentrated studiesi mad af threw fights randomly life fkin hope ever live world gone like that got weeks still fkin hope would come back  yearsi extreme levels depression still now could talk express emotions trapped self lost interest live addicted suicidal ideation used play songs till made cry desperate love experienced last much anyone would say world hope live could even last till could even experience it destroyed hopes lost want live anymore still alive absolute reason satisfying people alive waiting day courage attempt life worthless nothing loser want die would say suffering would last long happiness forever either wasted life  freaking years