number four three yearsive tried three times time seem still existence life gets worse worse time ten years give take people claim love lying me telling mind ie gaslighting ive spent ten years hoping someone end me lone mugger passing end me used dreams know people seem think level abuse ok anyone suffer through theres always worse get least recognized inhuman get people asking done improve things well talked people ive even told voices head lies could use smooth things over created stories get along ive wanted able honest relationships around me now even body brain nueropragramming family lost me know ill ever get chance open conversation family members tell much mean me even failed every turn least knew loved me pay women closest thing honest relationship therapist eight years recognize ideas reference asked one one question eight years triggering event first time break hes never shown interest things people say me yet im pretty sure knows side story eight years think knows side story ive raped least twice friends family gaslight me think family to forced it course made promises live them probably not think theyd want hear side story since ive never told cant lived side bargain people spreading story ive seen emails mine edited know lying cant prove it cant prove anything ie gaslighting ive people put shit drinks food take money pockets steal clothes fun mess anything everything know why would anyone someone seriously would anyone spend time this whoever took body get lived body get want new one know eleven years indignity upon idnigity ill never know why hardest part knowing one even know know disapear much left unsaid one even know know thoroughly convinced people side story one know theres reason believe ever tell side story theres reason believe ill honest loving relationship for personality ive told people personality takes black out cant tell people side know story is know theres reason me miss mom dad miss much know feel way human anymore know screwed programming much may know that cant without someone