ive felt dead longer ive felt alivei never happy kid painfully vivid memories raped young kid memories head slammed wall floor even distinct memory concussion one time slammed hard ground head ended bouncing hitting metal support bed day im scared men man myself imy first attempt kill around time  failed inexperienced kid second time tried kill myself around time  caught complete mental breakdown mom stay local mental hospital days try get help opened nice lady there help rationalize fear hospitals feeling broken tool ready thrown away butthats also gave trying things general stopped trying school beyond minimum effort required pass stopped really associating friends school everything painfully mediocre years around time  parents finally let liberties complaining years never hung friends like ever let first place helped one school friends become one best friends able hang outside school talk demons dare share school grounds made us feel sense solidarity one another also met girl ex one friends kept trying push us together put it like black people like that crushed heart bit sort gave pursuing focused friend instead could always use those somehow ended falling anyways one friends tell me went asked birthday party two us standing outside moonlight together sounds happy right thought well months passed found cheating another dude blamed entire thing deserve loved ended attempt number three point best friend could rely pull back myself life went blissfully uneventful around time  id grown entirely discontent monotony life hated every second it planned kill halloween days banking hope people would assume im decoration sort really care late instead ended hitting really great girl distracted demons otherwise would attempt number four am two years later  clusterfuck emotions turmoil cant help wonder survived all really close family started die me godmother loved people died really young cancer ruined thought would one role models ended taking life noticeable struggle mental health better part year physical health started take dive deep end ive got crohns days struggle able get bed pain sometimes much struggle even eat know stomach throw entire fit combine constant stream migraines headaches ended spending nearly every day excruciating pain people told get help time wanted to afford insurance aging moms working minimum wage job would ever schedule part time premiums always around  month got denied reductions assistance forced choose eating place sleep able fix body all theni ended getting rape accusation levied me mind you person claims it would  time allegedly went placeand someone always hated physical contact full trauma one believed aside crazy aunt but made remember memories happened me memories long tried lock away broke again made hateful distrustful already was ended affecting performance work oftentimes depressive instead usual fake cheery self physically energy keep act anymore people company conspired get fired worked was jobless insuranceless painfilled girl hit halloween decided right got fired want deal depression anymore dumped me shattered whole world served light hope  yearsmade feel sense happiness belonging otherwise felt dead unwanted reached redflag prevention hotline three separate occasions could make feel better moment long run point best friend grown apart lot found another group friends vibes theyre recreational drug use stay sober idea might affect already fractured psyche december st  attempt number  spent days darkness tears wishing release physical pain mental anguish left house could run away somewhere kill myself cousin caught wind plan waiting outside stop me forced talk parents bothering me  year old black man broke pile tears floor explained want die even happen day would end happening point  am  days laterand sentiment gotten stronger me know exactly be know make year hope ill finally free lifetime pain another option redflag would welcome it point feel ive exhausted every option gain thank hearing guys