struggling teenageri young  feel lost please tell lot live know the real world like want hear now read story going quite long since small kid always different reason insecurities enjoyed alone always drawn idea death principle someone vanishing world intrigued losing people close age  previously surreal concept hit hard death grandfather death friend due brain tumor young too impacted think them legacy left behind day friend died brain tumor died shortly birthday vividly remember last interaction birthday gift picked me obviously could bought barely able talk siblings gave gift idea book honestly never read left behind way cannot get read it sometimes stare book cover drown thoughts angry while great person great soul last person derserved die think reason could religious would never understand god would kill kindhearted child destroy family grew up despised death never feared however fast forward years to exact  fell love really bad perfect caring loving beautiful best friend ever had dated onoff year broke multiple times me know fault broke heart times count insecurities bruised ego stupid things loved anyways put she never have started hate damage caused like drug soon high us suffering perfect description relationship broke well never get back together wanted turn new leaf denied sad every single day neglected emotions honestly stupid however beyond broken needed help want discuss respect privacy ugly say least long time ago short conversation joking around smile filled joy soon alone realised doing denying pain bursted tears worst time life followed lost lot good friends breakup everybody judged rightfully much me since then crying time reason hurts much destroyed someones life barely consequenses little love left myself additionally anyone trust enough go to friends afraid telling others pain nobody knows much struggling now hate waking everyday hope die proboably thinking calm it relationship anything feel unworthy live young handle emotions hard continue usual life care anything happens whether school personal life anything becomes worse could end spot ex school seems happy now last time smiled without faking ago often fantasize people would react death anything thing holding back pain would cause family sick pain crying alone want die ampxb