friend said energy deal suicidali messaged old friend probably best friend even though im theirs a month talking since everyone abandoned moved outofstate university mean literally every friend ive feeling suicidal and know spent many full nights holding loaded shotgun basement younger  hours texted really energy deal me support asking was theyre really mood deal me ampxb really know get heart involved anymore always ends mistake sometimes wonder calvinists right god created people knowing damned always suffer think im one them matter much study volunteer meditate write try kind lot cast thats that