cant cope am im evil need stop harmevery day throat closes up every day find somewhere hide feel rising tears start coming sometimes hide sometimes cry silently desk nobody notices go home work little room live shared accommodation never speak anyone close door cry panic attacks random times cant let near people terrified might them twisted evil psychologically manipulative emotionally abusive know get interact world without causing pain ive stopped living constant internal pain chaos nearly two years thing is living like pointless tried move healthily read articles forgive sound fucking stupid idealistic naive ive doctor told im depressed need treatment refused refer me know except killing myself never happy like past chose shit throw away like less nothing severely fucked mentally ill woman  years old dark bags eyes entirely grey hair make look   years older look like meth addict nobody could love me nobody should whats point toiling awful life ive built evil choices actions im coward know im going bring actually it really want gas im pathetic cant even drive wish somebody would murder me every day wish that please come stab throw deep valley never found