held loaded gun head tonightim  average american white priveleged male job make great money lot friends serial monogamist entire life engaged before since engagement broke seeking mental relief forms relationships eating put close  lbs made things worse recently broke girlfriend  years never love comforted me since ended ive tornado lost  lbs  months gym diet decent single life tonight everything came crashing down open woman relations shut down nothing abnormal deal rejection fine triggered something scary feelings self worthi hate typical american soul crushing office job idea life supposed about hate american dream slaving away office order afford buy stuff dont need yet say anyone im ostracized made feel worse shortened version everything going didnt get responses text messages put didnt balls pull trigger need outlet