help feel depressed suicidal know whylet begin first episode depression ended night put gun mouth almost committed redflag depression caused bottling feelings years years end ex every suicidal thought parents arrested almost abandoned etc im usually good keeping things control lost control almost committed redflag it thing stopped thought would happen mom shes one life stuck me even jail love much night would get occasional suicidal thought stare nearest window wanting run jump nothing handle freshman year high school im  sophomore top class all advanced classes eligible college programs good friends support me im part band school thats friends come from like second family loving girlfriend cares lot she knows time tried committing redflag life used be recently though suicidal thoughts flooding head seem stop want tell mom would devastate she know first time want tell friends able help me want tell girlfriend yet think shell able handle would hurt way know try help cant ive come im scared thoughts feel trapped inside myself im sorry weird ive never done want help someone talk to thank anything think would help