started walking park every dayso lets begin saying bipolar disorder is say least taxing existence began develop early s  now girlfriend  years developed began developing stubborn naive believing nothing wrong me never sought help also lot problems home final year high school university causing lot ptsd me led alcoholism drug use eventually girlfriend ended me despite kept trucking found job field graduating tried dating around continued drink drugs regularly happened less year breaking ex engaged guy always that guy one worried good friend her nothing ever happened always knew intentions one time argument had said argument got fairly early relationship engaged dating girl enabling drinking drug use worse would eventually cheat several people leaving financial emotional ruin fast forward today dated someone since serious longer use drugs getting therapy tried multiple medications etc also sober near  months now meltdown quit job  months ago become shut in every night dream ex getting married  months every morning night think hanging myself financially bills piling im returning calls creditors anxious skipped interviews thought terrifies me im scared even worse taking daily walks local park lot trees mind picked one tree particular memorized tie noose good terms ex talked long time want selfish important time her always understood better anyone feel like talking would help time may make worse want okay want suicidal ideation daily struggle more want want end it look  years old  years old same disappointment never marry person love never comfortable enough keep steady job never stop cravings drugs alcohol never rid disease never truly happy thank listening