please hear second feel difference day day work believe depression since  years middle two years absolutely peaked self harm constant impulsive suicidal thoughtsas would say suicidal grateful life either final year ugso since past months noticing taking time usual performing tasks like numerical calculations solving integrals trouble remembering code syntax solving problems etci usually know bad mental state counting times efficient normal vanilla processing power looks like decliningsince last  years actively trying aware feelings surroundings really feel difference kind making pretty angry nowi actually surprised see noticeable difference going lie scary therapy expensive lockdown parents right now tried explain mental health given up get arguments man upany help really appreciated noticed unable process things efficiently used to cognitive abilities actually deteriorating