nothing left givei therapy years upbringing  mentally ill narcissistic mother alcoholic enabling father gave childhood filled neglect trauma abuse developed mental illnesses well full fledged personality disorder earliest memory watching mom shove dad floor picking taking bedroom locked bedroom door held lap told worry dad outside door screaming let out give him response ill give one fingers heavy duty fan metal blades running held empty cigarette pack blades noise made loud remember crying dad screamed door started rattling attempts break in mom turned fan decided wasnt crying loud enough pinched thigh twisted hard enough scream time dad broke door down covered tears snot way toddler be mom sitting edge bed smoking smiling checked broke tears mom looked said nest time threaten call police me wont bluff dad moved next day mom moved around state dozens times always move government couldnt catch us couldnt hold job fbi spies everywhere times steady high learned young clean vomit blood carpet extremely proficient wrangling addicts apartment time  also  different schools then fault though never born fbi would never caught wouldnt need move much use heroin scramble signal came head  mom addict lover week gotten argument ended slitting wrists front me called police took hospital grandparents  moms parents took days stabilized visited hospital mom cried told loved me never meant hurt me needed help lie people cam talk me couldnt tell friends violence subjected to would sometimes sit friends laps fix told truth would take away would kill herself didnt want reason died i lied cps complicit falling cracks agency meant protect me raped year later friend mothers met christian chat room arrested blamed ruining friendship god fearing man made mistake called dad asked live him instead moved back us started cutting keep expressing anger felt abandoning coming back abuse leveled instead met boy  fell love college sophomore promised would take care soon graduated high school turned valedictorian want mother make scene graduation left everything behind moved dan not real name together things great particular certain things living heaven compared used to asked stop college work could finish college degree would land better paying job mine didnt think anything it saved me would done anything asked got violent made excuses never violent before things stressful him continued years would say something didnt like would shut down would go quiet refuse talk asked did would give noncommittal answer ignored silence would explode didnt love him balancing act ask correct questions correct amount times anything less perfection ended broken bone bloody nose lied therapist psychiatrist throughout this knew panic attacks nigh terrors depression anxiety drinking self harm dutifully covered bruises face neck arms ashamed weakness falling love man even violent mother still felt indebted getting away family broke last year drew bath opened bottle wine swallowed every pill had dan work hours due home sitting hot water listening music feeling eyes get heavier peace felt life fear pain doubt dread everything going over happy obviously work dan came home early hospitalized medicated properly diagnosed referred better intensive form therapy got hospital dan ghosted cleared apartment everything except cat clothes joint account personal account emptied nothing year work freelance writer living first life slowly making progress plans save much money could move rural setting lease next year instead everything started exploding people hate disorder even without knowing me even though destructive tendencies turned inward parents pushing contact dan give another chance triggered friend mine return triggered full flashbacks dan coworker angry unable cover event writing panned still chronic pain car accident last year stuck paperwork hell even witnesses police video showing driver fault pneumonia every breath take hurts still struggling binge eat drink worn core nothing left give want feel sense peace felt knew everything going over cant think reason keep fighting