im exhaustedive tried write full story million times theres many details id share get point across matter past past ill say tried express years ago physically feel right issues turn up told rest head knew running hospital putting stress finances stopped stumbled upon fact one day could manipulate symptoms supplements years researched tried fix thing carried even though felt like new thing would pop time lost faith doctors kept years broke last time contemplated ending all went internet talked coming clean getting help doctors still find anything like deja vu again cant cope one thing say hold decent job responsible cant go back feel awful cant sleep long lower spine burns sometimes speech sometimes impaired im dizzy often mind foggy heart pounding feels like vice memory recall sucks body clicks clacks legs heavy seem randomly drop shit urine foamy visual snow sense smell poor longest time experienced anhedonia experienced bipolar iilike symptoms experience mood swings again feet drag sometimes walk funny hips really clicky ive looked extra sick lately theres constant ringing ears feel like something attacking body suicidal ideation comes goes now one point certain last weeks rough keep trying choose life felt bad thursday friday physically go work last two three weeks unbearable made it think ability hide symptoms slowly slipping really pushed edge stopped taking supplements think kidneys it ive maybe one full meal last  days ive hotel room trying find peace mind sleep nice quiet nice w reminder cant get enjoy im at definitely fault fucked around supplements hopes finding fix sometimes successful sometimes created another problem desperate nobody would ever believe shit went pretended everything okay im really tired now body allow carry on went questioning existence god knowing gods there bargaining universe knowing gods there questioning god matter much express much do im life fullest ive tricking thinking was cant sit around  cant this ive put almost  years adapting change building persona would allow hide bad days adapting bad days im fucking exhausted cant this trying fight thing would time letting life even made thats id personal hurdles robbed certain experiences felt bad could barely get bed thursday friday took supplements knew could get blood pressure actually kicked in packed bags left thinking id gone now here fuck still am hate leave mom alone world friends family ultimately fine lose it cant anymore body feels though enough thought  years ago felt like death whole new level know possible took one way ticket home turn back around would unbearable fucking hate this tried get help years ago body state someone listened ive tolerated long feel like heart going collapse im even worried anything almost feel nothing want go back elements ive made lot great experiences much cant crap again