know im even writing thisi even know start guess feel guilty even writing this keep telling feel bad get myself friends feel worse do escalates keeps escalating tell deserve die want die im terrified death time also feel indifferent whenever think death feel terrified feel bad want die gotten point thoughts ending it brothers really busy schedules point im left alone time ive decided exactly would it where ever decided when want live bad im scared guess feel alive even know want long time ive told im depressed im making think am wrote mom note wanting see therapist another problem came flowing realized badly need help courage actually make anything happen