almost committed im afraid ill againlet preface with im actively planning harm anyone else feel completely hopeless day hope seems slipping away me let try make short im tired reliving it mom got sick october i hospitalized got better sent nursing home physical therapy im even sure needed supposed week kept month mom slowly wasted away there asked could go home convinced hospice best course action know happened scenario told mother staff signed hospice could let home hospice didnt another month is im really ashamed go see her enough seen couple times stopped going either money it far away want go getting hospital next part story stressed angry depressed scared felt hopeless alone went er told thinking redflag kept room three hours guarded one nurses going transfer behavioral hospital tell anyone call mom brother nobody knew mom finally got hold me told thought gotten hurt died crying never heard mother cry way before ended committed going home living day day worries mom called time every single day every single night one day got call telling fall weird patient falls staff usually call happened mom called me time didnt two days went answering phone texts fb messages went little money see her saw something else saw skeletal woman speak recognized me knew was trying tell something couldnt left knowing stayed next morning got call hospice nurse telling mother non responsive took place course week one week utter panic pain fear grandmother brother started going see her like trance snap of didnt got worse worse one cold evening me grandma brother aunt and boyfriend sat mom almost empty room four five hours came home four morning told mother died since mess emotions pain stress financial problems starvation emotional breakdowns more getting bad again im thoughts running away thinking maybe self harm bad know anymore feels like theres way hellish situation im in