help meive suicidal  years whilst able distract jobs short term relationships ect feelings always there last  years ive looked excuses get rid close ones life right gone im yo male know family friends would deverstated seems one cares right now im included anything am feel bring mood despresive state feel disconected like im im somewhere else dark cant see ive used hotlines chats online help short term alright night weeks tell go gp refered mental health teamim uk find like consending help aww thats good sounding symphetic do hobbies uplifting voice feels forced stopped answering calls know many people blame cause much pain years come time dont want existance ive got feel like im rotting away flat own honestly think would take  months anyone would notice gone one regulary checks me contact them spoke pyhcolgist years back proffesional setting someone knew personally time intrusive thoughts asked worried said whenever put plan action although ive gone got rope scares much ive pushed eveyone mattered away making easier something ive also decided wont home wont found while ive recently decided woodland would leave notes paths warn dog walkers go call police im stupid im told im bright quite articular know feeling temporary mindset know recent events made feel way know wont feel like daysweeks also know come back around dont want want long term fix feel im edge im tradgedy argument taunt away goin edge diagnosis acted was violent child screamy self harm would scratch punch self face terorise taunt siblings parents bullied kids too see phycolgists child think whit cheek cleverness convinced otherwise conclusion always hes perfectly normal parents horror think suffer sort phycosis schizofrenia think im bi polar anyone know true bi polar detected balances hormones blood schizofrenia detected test anyone know force doctor tests mentioned  never diagnosis ive never given meds dark depresive state also dont think im getting everythink across really feel go speaking doctor mental health team help im looking for know profesional couldnt give diagnosis online written would tell seek profesional indication would really help think could suffering from think medications could help please offer meds advice uk also know need change mindset anyone know books could read change mindset find better way coping understanding things thanks reading support given anyone feeling way talk help even stranger chat hotline everyone else kind world dont judge anyone even drug user thief never know really feeling get state theyre in go nice stranger never know much could make day nicekind even noticing giving warm smile thank you name tom