well time now probably since early spring clue set off enjoying new job much new feeling took job january woke tired today day went on ability focus work maintain motivation get work day quickly deteriorated dinner plans eating managed protein bar lunch usual  normally hungry and depressed binge eat often boyfriend decided cook meal meant make us eat healthy dinner laid made bed get again things around house cannot bothered matter moment but time do redflag wasting time laying here cannot find good reason actually get up hour ago started crying feel heavy like lowgrade electricity skin uncomfortable idea feel sadbut know boyfriend otherwise ignoring night dinner help sure made food though also eat never checked me got mad asked for probably millionth time last  years touch stomach came say goodnight went bed like stomach touched explicitly clear relentlessly care boundaries called via asking thing doing curtly said goodnight left without giving kiss usually would done punishment guess often withholds various forms affection usual behavior him so surprised surprised never checked also selfish selfcentered likely narcissist talk many problems impact me behavior way treats done absolutely nothing improve overall mental health depressed long sure long after expecting help today anything really brought wanted mention still nevertheless feeling disappointed person care give care past would given positions reversed today knew would not still sucks not either way already sad know why help situationbackground depression problem life last  years off min mids now better not go long stretches almost months completely fine feeling curedand something set downward spiral usually quite slowly see coming getting better identifying symptoms starting onset start employ various countermeasures sometimes often really tough identify triggers come back depression bad insatiably hungry tired unfocused unmotivated sad crying off experience loss interest friendshobbiesfun loss sex drive cannot sleep sometimes accompanied redflag attacks onetime panic attack redflag new party last  years nearly much issue times sometimes depression sometimes own fortunately able force work never really impacted career cannot much else depressive episode last days months though awhile since weeks live boyfriend love despite narcissism he bad swear lot problems problem putting first andor selfish hes almost  lived together almost  years manageable cannot afford option anyway might helping depression purposely making worse lot better last several guys us employersupplied health insurance cover therapy cannot afford therapy outofpocket i researched extensively lethargic lowgrade redflag sad reason