im tiredi keep getting spontaneous flashbacks ex sit certain places room feel pressure certain parts body emotionally abusive me tried make things want sexually looking back relationship feel stupid weak were like billion red flags would told sucked id listened them blinded idea real gay real gay relationship sort ignored that specific idea me well come across quite feminine sometimes tried leverage get bottom him something want do hed often spank me try gag fingers call bitch sex without explicit consent chance talk sober manner beforehand wanted act like girl times called she made jokes gamer girl even though told that feel like body mine anymore decided wanted friends several points relationship would still flirt make explicit comments body harassed even relationship ended calling repeatedly trying reach platforms ive blocked on im genuinely terrified him knows work meet friends nothing hes done technically illegal even im scared fucker wrongly accuses someone rape report anything ive nightmares showing house trying get room quarantine lifted theres really escape that ex latest guy ive let comically abusive me friends parents teachers coworkers ive let almost everyone know trample me thought getting better moved new city work managed find group friends know happened wrong trying help get help needed become better person ex kind trampled that tried get best friends made meet often little time anything else told things friends made distrust on im trying repair damage now difficult sort shown matter go therell always someone trying hurt take advantage me im wondering im issue im broken draw people hurting me means directly kill myself ive debating withholding food get severely ill now ive argument roommate kind fault took way far ive getting panic attacks leave room im worried ill get confrontation today ate little trouble standing up actually managed get sandwich made feel ill better think itll kill me itll hurt lot least tide quarantine lifted figure solid method think want die really im trying apply doctorate become researcher ive got mentor whos willing help that want doctorate want get boyfriend cares want go therapy get head screwed straight im sure survive long enough that