lets see make where even begin ill f try bore details everything ive depressed past two half years brought death father tell single person year told doctor started getting help recently told mom tutor school also friend class cant talk depression mom standing trying get open giving one worded answers barely getting words avoiding eye contact whole time said something hit guess next thing knew full sobbing arms like kind crying cant even speak keep hicupping breathing weird runny nose said everything could comfort me ended felt awkward around again like id shown much myself even though shes mom like one person really open with family think im freak really do act strange around extended family probably knowing well wanting make bad impression usually end im backwards idiot gotten much worse since father died sure exactly why probably reading thinking im overreacting im not act like fucking idiot front family say stupid things react inappropriately situations im comfortable with im weird around guys mean im straight girl im shy around people im attracted to well am thats story another day ive like long remember even developed attraction opposite sex around menboys felt like tosort prove them like search validation im talking guys girls completely relaxed normal girls feel need make like me strongly feel like linked relationship parents theres reasons feel like existing anymore main ones some get suicidal thoughts waves throughout day massive little smaller painful none less moment sleep deprived state see way im feeling moment drowning foot caught plant bottom river chance swimming back surface point though occasionally manage get high enough breathe bit air feeling sunlight warm face sucked back reminded people like dont belong sun place bottom river nobody see us put bluntly seriously doubt ill still see th birthdaymaybe even th thing keeping around thought mom deal death thats always enough keep planning it