scared might make mistake ive thinking it cant say would also cant say wouldnt feel weary point feel like im fooling continue trying make something life grew raised mom im halfwhite halfother mom country made things hard especially south dad physically life emotionally lived less mile away id probably see year constantly told could better son need me close friends like said grew south wrong skin tone generally treated outsider focused school making excel classes teachers praised necessarily help made outsider molested young age ive never told anyone besides one exgirlfriend upon time since then never cared sex kind physical love honest repulsed me girlfriends highschool due unwillingness perform made gay jokestongueincheek course still stung unfortunately stuck cliques ive never told wife this married love much event past feels dirty makes feel unclean im scared share it im afraid shell reject meshe wouldnt im afraid change view me want see victim survivor whatever event want see part all guess im ashamed it say past makes depressed maybe makes bit detached life depressed fact see life getting better depresses me im stuck crap jobi went college scholarships dried really funds support continue neighbors racistcant really move old view world changed now certainly stand chance changing it house almost literally shit feel like real excuses reasons depressed theres overwhelming feeling disconnect weariness makes feel like want go time things stopping wife nephew im pretty sure people life move on im foolish enough say others miss me theyll able recover fear wife would blame herself want leave her makes happy im disconnected guy feel urge continue strongly urge stop nephew two going three probably notice passed soon things wanted teach though wanted make life never poor mine first attempt week ago attempt might right word still think wouldve done honest maybe entertaining thought rented motel room planned taking bottle pillsi know wouldve felt bad hotel staff want wife one find me nephew called right opened bottle knows use cell phone tapping picture person listed case emergency somehow got moms phone hes raised grandma told loved wanted come play wept like baby went home late visited next day think could done day im sure really follow this thought keeps popping head constant urge sleep rest forget get with im scared might make mistake in one moment anger fear depression ill something cant reverse