first probably last post redditi going make post morning allowed day mull over depression reached zenith sorts drove around couple weeks ago looking adequate tree hang disastrous appointment new psychiatrist  minutes chit chat threatened involuntarily admitted way go doc triggered one worst panic attacks id ever had threatened call sheriff walked out drove around entire day backroads pacific northwest woods found single tree adequate lateral branches all conifers wheres good elm sycamore need one hiv case worker coming pick tomorrow cant seem make see therapist own cant tell pointless go therapist ill passed away end weekend talking therapist also fruitless since ive learned lesson experience psychiatrist  trust one inner thoughts people freak fck out redflag prevention efforts boil blood denies dignity death second thought given euthanize pet yet comes humans force life upon without consideration quality inflicted life hiv childhood trauma induced ptsd major depressive disorder point may even aids since stopped taking hiv meds couple months ago stopped meds people hivaids higher chance cancer compromised immunity least dying cancer people would resign idea impending death could meaningful heartfelt goodbyes friends family instead im denied dignity death keep intentions secret lest friends family stage sort redflag prevention intervention far seldom used logging road ill able rest car painlessly poison carbon monoxide vw golf ill able place small hibachi barbeque hatchback area natural real charcoal not briquettes provide source co  bottles wine though rarely drink one certainly adequate several types antianxiety medications facilitate calm relaxed state mind regret cant open honest friends family im denied opportunity thank support generosity throughout years struggles deeply disappoints societally imposed shame redflag somehow disgrace death