brother killed last year want thing nowhe lifelong depression i im early s female insane amount loss pain particularly last years recent loss friend thought would one person would always me wasnt gone without even goodbye ive tried couple times reach out apologise utterly cut off knew everything me cant see meeting anyone else depressed withdrawn would able trust anyone else anyway debilitating chronic disease incurable going get better ive already enough hopsital appointments tests pain etc last five lifetimes want more also desperately desperately desperately lonely despite absolutely lovely female friend scared ultimately driving away one day too everyone else put simply nothing left live for im  mental pain nearly time ive tried   different antidepressants years none worked longer weeks  months absolute most left worse state began them interest trying antidepressants therapy unaffordable dilemma this desperately want end pain cannot go like much longer  cant want put parents second redflag would swap places dead brother nanoseconds he may thank that give shit stuck special kind hell want wait parents pass elderly could still another  years way hold long