another failed redflag attemptim sorry need get chest cant take anymore pain numbing sadness feeling guilt reason selfloathing voices everything want stop tried end again always fail lost count failed attempts im weak im failure cant even kill properly mind wouldnt shut up numbing sadness wouldnt stop none would stop gotten fight mum couldnt take anymore already ledge pushed me got noose already tied hidden closet mum wasnt home moment father work time tied bar closet high up climbed onto shelf closet closet small easily able reach noose there stuck head it tested moving ledge shelf would high enough properly kill me it thought it would over slid shelf held arms almost there let go close saw picture mum i picture hugging me light still eyes hadnt left looked happy picture mum happy mind filled memories mum i remembered words told me would always love me broke crying pushed back onto shelf sat crying couldnt it wanted it couldnt scared it scared mum would react remembered say would mess one kids died still alive remembered said shed probably kill herself selfish tried kill even heard mum say painful would loose child devastated would be im still selfish want die still want kill even though mum would sad im terrible im coward ever run im ungrateful people dying cancer hospitals people much worse me yet am hating fact im alive trying end life much better people yet wish could die im ungrateful selfish coward shouldve never born