im desperate please help me long sorryi posted recently certain im going commit redflag concern well cat hid decided repost felt something strange heart hope think im  struggling areas life diagnosed severe depression anxiety sometime middle school recently trauma induced rather mild ptsd therapists never humoured this believe actually suffering bpd could reason repeated therapy multiple medications done little nothing help all treated broken leg actually hip heal right anyway redflag mind constantly past months now before passing thought something joked cover pain small list preferred methods plans probably healthy every joke become serious statement regular meltdowns resorted scratching shit lieu razor blade cuts dreams still kind do believe  never achieve them even come close nothing seems work feel like total failure seems ive begun sabotaging achievements whether subconsciously intent im terrified ask want feel guilty manage get words out return therapy th november id admit hospital finances already make basics hard afford disregarding fact need money coming arrange live somewhere i currently living friends couch im grateful feel current situation beginning harm difficulty keeping basic self care always manage convince im somehow unworthy even baseline help sustainable cant live like want give up really dont need help badly know anymore please help me im scared