hard die ive made peace itis unreasonable want certainty death want know try kill myself work one biggest things struggle with want found passed bleeding tub rope break go hospital wake getting stomach pumped otherwise difficulty impact itll people around me ive isolated much outside people work with less handful people know always seems something brother got married mom depressed brother baby grandfather died today moms birthday next week neverending litany impacts death lives want feel stuck helpless yet keep chugging along day relying substance abuse make one next getting closer closer point feel like try hope get lucky im work feels like black hole abdomen threatening disintegrate carefully constructed composure way know make another minutes time leave wish someone could save me least care me