money saving hope get want be cannot wait longer saving year struggling heavily alcoholism depression redflag isolation last seven years turn caused fail drop college two years ago six years never able gethold job long past year starting feel somewhat better passed opportunity make  stock market january guess what missing golden opportunity caused chase getting money again caused lose k  nearly  months paychecks opportunities best life ever since got high school messed up  year old virgin friendless college dropout loser lives parents social skills trade skills talents useless nothing special me make mom depressed already due failures want think anymore drowning shame regret know myself cannot undo it thing jump cliff smoke cigarettes lungs collapse hope life nightmare know one really help want nothing okay loving positive force world mind fucked up lost half life savings stock market taken profits could got greedy lost money instead truly crushed me nothing else