way start well  year old male thoughts every fucking day get gun shoot injure myself course life rough  fall mega christian church completely fucked life making religious subreddit first religion made happy exploited music back ground dining playing guitar bass electric guitar drums etc talented touched instrument months well would serve church everyday joke cuz service everyday even getting paid wanted thought serving lord job fast forward drained want fucking blow brains tell take break say leave turning back god left turned back spoke since beliefs god dead probably borderline atheist fear going hell stops wanting end way miss old church life gave false hope depressing happy thankfully got health insurance want get therapy psychiatry help adhere feelings yeah venting feelings incase anyone gone friends high expectations hate live day day yes thank listening wanting die constantly mind