best help could get noosei dealing suicidal thoughts years now im tired making efforts fix maintain shitty life really need give in  ive waiting glimmer hope help shrug depression avail ive working professional therapist attempting get sort medication help almost half year ive trying therapists even longer fucking impossible prescribed anything within reasonable time frame everything tried horrible failure relief even done much would smoke weed even dull pain brief while truth helping all  nothing left life worth maintaining for family continued treat like tool kin absolutely positive physical relationships people ever get talk even appreciate presence online way helping me venting like near constant life speaking issue never helps despite copious amount research ive done says otherwise everyone talk help either know respond soon abandon quite frankly care would rather hassle things need me ive grown hate everyone else life almost much myself  everything ive ever loved faded away lost luster time loved many things loved mathematics sciences loved games learning analyze system loved able support around me cant even derive pleasure sense taste  purpose hate myself cant even stand see reflection hear voice want hang like sinful refuse ive proven be top off virtually access methods unlike formerly thought even death good likes me