thought better turns ive gotten worse denialive struggling depressive thoughts since  ive lots bullying mental abuse friends classmates growing up never felt like proper childhood back couldnt figure suicidal thoughts parents pressured getting therapy deep didnt want to didnt feel ready guess first psychologist talked to one doctors office write moments depressing thoughts told try analyse it honestly made feel billion times worse constantly reminding felt like shit day day out determined problem severe sent proper therapy clinic underage time setting diagnose depression decided go kiddy treatment program felt mocked ridiculed young fucking suicidal gave treatment plan named fucking dutch pun absolutely furious treatment involved advanced version writing feelings getting advice help recovering thoughts worst part ive felt ridiculed whole life went gender therapistpsychologist realising trans lowest point life diagnosed treated several traumas still dont think really treatment involved form meditation im convinced anything me that allowed sign transgender clinic still waiting list nearly  years better that got first year college found right place found stable job shithole mc donalds found new better friends got extremely close them support trans someone talk needed everything fine fine fuck feel garbage again gotten worse ever before nearly everything could wish for feel goddamn selfish depressed hurt closest friends throwing depressive fit barely control over something extremely wrong dont know anymore dont time money energy go back therapy feel going helped all suicidal thoughts back anger cant accomplish something day fucked feeling everything massive waste time hurting ones care about feel like im end road like never supposed get far life im shutting away friends fear hurting them every time think it feel selfish way sorry long im first time poster badly needed vent