feeling mother driving crazyi saying evil intentions unintentionally so diagnosed mental illness know is takes clozapine past  years everyday believes lie posted internet try talk it exhausted drained energy anymore baby never learn think herself unlike typical babies start make good arrangements come teenage diagnosed schizoaffective disorder unsaid advice never leave family able handle life would kill myself feeling playing game me perpetuate suffering subtle way makes feel good themselves put two people side side lets say well groomed person mentally ill person people realise awesome well groomed person is invisible ego boost feels would hate mentally ill person die would equally hate person get healthy mentally ill person becomes healthy actually better well groomed person people would start looking person used ill past better groomed person would invisible ego deflation well groomed person would feel would hate ill person die get better well groomed person would everything possible maintain status quo would pretend help ill person watched  scenario hero remain ever obscure qualities become visible  enhanced would villain hero needs villain hero benefits villain  start lose temper explaining mum magical cures shared whatsapp youtube etc lie next appointment psychiatrist dosage antipsychotic greater dosage antipsychotics would come greater side effects level testosterone would go down level prolactin would go up would become slower fatter dick never get hard would semi erection best would emasculation systematic emasculation expect girls partner bringing much table expect woman partner able earn money satisfactory intercourse human needs wants human thing understandable would remain family would essentially neck beard living moms basement free loader incel etc bullying would take regular basis daily dose insult would burden society parents etc talk male friends would hide depression would draining counsel me understandable would pretend happy would smile laugh would feign interested depression anxiety would start oozing ask pretend just yourself would talk truly goes mind silently ghost me cant confront depressing presence want hang around me internet always suggesting people cut toxic people life etc  talk counselor friends say  try interesting etc etc etc  tired now writing this go on feels like two options have lose lose  third option