long story please read comment feeling extremely suicidal late degree dream possible ways end it typically dream old apartment building jumping pool deck top floor lost lot things life struggled lot strength anymore back story follows born loving family terrific father loving mother older siblings twin brother well father found mother alcoholic would drink incessantly get way older brothers drug problem started getting worse well father begged mother stop time time again decided enough  dad left mum turning occasional drinking incessant drinking twin live alcoholic mother lives drinking never stopped  years father leaves older brother dies drug overdose makes already bad drinking horrible habit starting early   morning smashed  know mum way th grade entered middle school fat loser friends trying care mum always told sick well entered made fun time ears bit large head time i since grown them bullied school came home bullied mother lucky would dinner typically breakfast money lunch could bread breakfast years passed drinking became worse th th grade attempted redflag times really sure actually end it attempt failed obviously time angered mum never got help quack never diagnosed depression knew depressed never anything urge kill myself sophomore year met girl thought loved relationship great first sex time worries later never real relationship thought worked sex day every day year older me left college things became bit rocky stable enough deal time shit went downhill broke times eventually went break around halloween time  break met girl dreams friends birthday party whose birthday rests halloween met absolutely blown away unbelievably beautiful was began talking interests bands way thinking type humor blast night flirted cuddled almost kissed realized would probably poor taste ysee ex one said take break never actually broke up me said distant bit broken up felt really guilty everything done amazing girl call jill confess jill thinking scared pathetic so broke ties her well found ex fucking lot guys telling jill pissed even feelings girls eventually bitch ex break within two weeks jill start dating jill blew mind every single day fantastic was funny witty extremely smart exceptionally beautiful woke every day realized something worth living now happy time within month told love her said loves too amazing person ever met life headoverheels her every day fantastic existed life every day great despite problems life problems escape me well month ago dumped want tied time shitty thing going propose short months  exact know corny going surprise college find her class wherever kneel straight propose girl dreams soulmate will well left realized bad problems really much worse things getting put backburner debt school mounting ever higher know take care it college fund drained almost entirely failed two courses past quarter jill dumped terribly sick month well wait another  months take again know do mother kicking bitter mood even though say thing her also let know loser done nothing life fucked job had dad breaking back help pay school commute hours schools cant get job one area take someone cant even guarantee weekends drinking drugs everything happened life family obviously problem addictions aunt drug addict grandma too another aunt also drug addict problem this spent much life denial deck stacked me go school hate major despise college let transfer  credits money start fresh somewhere else mother slipped back old demonishing state lets know everyday wrong let stand myself ex jill extremely happy broken up guys constantly flirting page facebook constantly trying hang her none friends even give enough damn call ask hang out strong whole life dealing mother take care sacrificing personal life make sure fall stairs drunken stupor get killed strong twin got car accident almost killed him strong twin decided start drinking like mum does mum clean now still abuses fuck me cant strong anymore jill tells loves me wants get back together someday sees soulmate think get better sad me know anymore even remember else put many problems life please need advice dream killing every single night day every day cant help imagine much better life would without alive daydream jill happy everyone else caring anymore get support friends dad tells cant dwell things brother would never understand person understand female friend lives canada literally edge right now close ending calling quits please need advice tldr life sucks mother abusive alcoholic feed days time father never mother let him brother took drinking one older brothers died drug overdose aspirations plan future future saw walked want tied right now verge killing need advice otherwise go it