almost killed myselfi loaded ruger mm head cold barrel tempting wife would fine kids tells every day shit help way hate myself life joke thinking funeral today people would would wifes family would feel obligated people want day work paid day work everyone redflag living twelve pounds force trigger needs pulled put  lbs force mine close think ill start saving bullets see many times get close first time ive close like this tried hang tree limb broke ive also taken handful oxy ended throwing up documentary saw redflag forest japan base mt fuji bet view amazing ive always wanted go japan  one way ticket sound bad maybe ill go actually it