ones fault wanted artisthello redflag watch  years old still living home moved previously lasted couple years afford it feel like life chosen blessing curse days plagued depression enjoy playing music painting working house painter past five years faced reality able follow dreams would like ive trying little money picking jobs scarily produce enough art work sell also learn lot covers play make money know im shooting foot genuinely want make something call own younger felt potentialwork ethic someone never hit stride feel like becoming loser despite efforts many friends really know make friends school long im practically unemployed every time think applying one im held back thoughts little social skills also adds sense shame never create without thinking real job adds guilt consider workingartmusic physical means paycheck really bad episode months ago make get bed currently write someone drifting grow older realize world view getting limited cant seem leave childlike perspective