im awaiting results medical examination im counting worst want terminali want get somewhere typing text file computer give release want tell anybody know know anybody know handle it im waiting medical results come in though ive never admitted last days realize much want fatal complication life pathetic mess long remember remember happiness contentment feels like im socially anxious handful weeks worth dating experience sexual experience im love girl love ungrateful idiot knows love her hold back letting know much wants guy want return ive trying find fault ever since get her hard nearly every close relationship ive resulted person leaving me always ive let guard expected harm result version protects always anxious outlook things expect worst worst happen relax worst happen soon subconsciously feel way consciously notice stupid is cant make feel differently though spend nights alone writing write lot wish could know steady foundation career know want do making feel even worthless subject redflag think would able bring to means fear pain want desperately something take to want prognosis tests terrible one things actually keeps depressed am think tests likely come back healthy think going hardest me anyway thanks reading this know hoped achieve this except sort release thanks clicking reading