need speak anyone already tired listeningand eliminates everyone know hope seem far deep end start ramble  complain suppose beauty long typed diatribes stop reading no im college junior good school im smart girl like things school like get there work occupy succeed well im pacified ive always way regardless doing always grappling extent debilitating panic problems ive nervous kid life parents swear saw still toddler cant think less corny way say  im fragile years work stint therapy could change that growing up parents divorced early father moved away came back visit every months kept us one bedroom home friend brothers sisters around lot drugs violence ten one men lived started molest me went several years ran away never thankfully return house since real contact father last heard diagnosed kind disease mother abrasive woman put lot pressure since young lot problems own home summer relationship become strained feel terrible pressing anxiety time interact partial threats punishment surrounding school  shell pull this pay tuition keep x z school everything me cliched may sound love learning love work cant taken away demands impossible panic incited served make difficult disagreeable recently put things garbage bag sent way ive hopping house house around comes senses every often ill sneak back nowhere else go  applications later seemingly impossible get job sort relate well people many friends hometown interacting new people terrifies me usually become manic halfway sort social situation watch crash burn go back home fret next hour wallow that im very lonely very top panic problem ive got serious undiagnosed heart problems testing next weeks find scope this mother refuses pay critical expensive tests deadend situation used girl loved valued herself remember feeling beautiful talented happy remember tremendous capacity joy many things remember wanting do feel terribly helpless sad time every aspect life point worry panic everything around makes sad lately ive wondering would really bad choice end it im religious cant conceive state consciousness would experience could regret done it ill never even know everything love jeopardy people love far away may never get back them feel violent compulsion kill myself  feel motivation desire keep living cannot fight thick pervasive sadness fact even really know makes happy anymore know begin rebuild quite frankly want to therapy question parents pay it medication fantasize way out feel unplugged want spoken badly