lived five attempts far debating sixthim total waste space saps life everyone around me hallucinate experience delusions horrific anxiety focus issues almost never leave house live pathetic existence ssidisability drain family theyd never tell that certainly exhausting deal with friends cant help me ever want say oh positive great guy im  ive one relationship odds schizophrenic male getting married onset something like  last looked oh theres someone everyone keep chin up real world know thats true nobody wants  year old schizophrenic crazy baggage cant work useful skills world unimaginably cruel im getting sick again like thought alive right would much prefer cold grip oblivion maybe im failure redflag too maybe thats cant get one stick id rather die get tossed onto street mother dies brother job funds keep afloat id bankrupt him disability pay shit reason im grateful medicaid life medication literal torture id rather return again im running reasons live again