redflag felt like option option headive always kept redflag option things really bad could it comforting that everytime struggled life felt empowered also reassured never wanted actually take action knew id ok end now became active plan last year distinctly remember wrote journal left since even right infront me shutting door makes outside world disappear there waiting ive done lot research methods disappointed find method choice high failure rate im planning use combination approach pharmaceuticals alcohol blood loss big  ive therapy ive got support friends family although would never burden intent theyll suffer enough im gone without foreshadowing it ive got decent life outside perspective little justify thoughts truth im struggling anyway heart hurts body feels lifeless weight feel cant sleep without medication just ive reached end whatever strength kept committed life everything hurts wanted tell someone