im terrified getting helpfirst thank taking time read this please excuse bitching complaining ive struggled suicidal thoughts years past several months become intolerable ive made several attempts pills husband stopped time threw away medication house times desperate commit redflag method far ive told husband every time thoughts impulses come up reason stay alive attempt make life work least three times think needed go hospital however im terrified going cant stand thought going hospital idea happen im there patients would be happen get out much cost insurance husband work  hours week im terrified doctors care think im fake deserve there think deserve go all im getting better need help know get it cant afford anything think deserve help deep feel like phony do edit thank help suggestions