wish everyone else hated much dothen id feel less bad killing myself ive come close finally ending many times theres always tiny bit doubt mind says things might get better know thats wrong though need find way squash thought im fucking sick alive cant look mirror seeing disgusting face makes want vomit thatd probably good though im stupid control eating lose weight normal way somehow managed land decent job fully expect lose lazy ass never time desperately need job help pay husbands medication even goodrx  month need get away toxic shit family fuck anything everything ever touch school grades abysmal getting fucking  taking  classes could gotten  higher id turned assignments time or all nope stupid lazy that cant even kill right last time tried need stiches blood transfusion tried slit wrists know better cut though maybe ill able something right life once practicing cutting deeper too hit fat yet im working pain tolerance fucking existing painful me every minute breath reminds dead pulled god damn trigger chance hate much im complete utter failure understand friends have anyone else life put me nothing useful give them im funny advice give cant help problems absolutely worth human whatsoever feel like really matter time say fuck try slit wrists again really close today lost nerve better yet wait till first paycheck two comes leave husband something hell point id enough money go buy cheap gun know store nearby sells pistols around  least wasting much money death fuck it im going give tuesday morning week try something right cant know cant ill kill then id monday morning cast one arm blocks access wrist could keep rambling much shitty person am ill cut short here sorry taking space feed