im tired want restive depressed since age ten started parents divorce watched father leave went onto middle school bullied three years day day escape sight friends make feel accepted constant abuse suicidal thoughts would start mother moved three brothers back orlando abusive step father wrecking ball family causing pain domestic abuse ive write two police reports actions eventually completely pushed lives went on oldest three brothers single mother household responsibility meant always locked home never close friends know like form close relationship anybody ive always friends throughout high school fact id say always well known liked craved childhood best friend person go with talk anything generally time life with wed eventually move texas man mother seven years steve current step father whilst ive constantly barraged them theyve become bullies im dissapointment son bitch motherfucker bitch dumbass retard devil im atheist mother blames bad things happens single phrase said ounce sarcasm would hear casual friends mean every single time would beat myself literally punching head things went fuzzy got multiple relationships texas try supplement desire loved getting home one happened guy consider bi experience one would scar home life mother saw another reason dissapointment coming senior year heavily restricted when could go friends chose stayed locked home like always been mother would continue treat like shit whilst also coming emotional support stepfather fought eventually met girl made feel wanted finally felt happy even things always great feeling longed for felt loved parents extremely restrictions would damage relationship mother takes large portion pay checks expenditures theyd ground going home simply mistakes forgot lock front door become dictator life source depression girl loved perfect life clinical depression would leave blamed making depression worse depression eating away apparently making worse point hope things would get better ive lived eight years waiting things get better theyve gotten worse suicidal thoughts become much intense fantasize putting gun head driving car id get graduation tree jumping bleachers christian school behind house wake feeling empty go day sad breakdown night repeat urge beat back cut first time two weeks ago since closest thing ever best friend mind went back her trying get help get anybody else would turn away telling find someone else told sorry life basically shit care confessed wanted life end never responded completely abandoning begged help im bad child ive never done drugs never drinked never smoked hang everyone narcissistic football players humble scholars vice versa ive got  college payments unt paid without dime pocket goal become police officer grow up nobody knows suffering feel ex girl loved one left shitty life ideal boyfriend mind ive beaten bruised abandoned want die ive carrying weight shoulder eight years im tired cant hold anymore want kill myself willpower to continue grudgingly going life wish someone would kill spare pain cant myself ive moved around thirteen times life know like someone close me sort childhood best friend ill never know thats like lost one person thought with know reason im depressed im longing desire wanted accepted loved moment life gone person willing help continue on im losing hope things get better im waiting life end