im even really living nowat  developed anxiety disorder ruined life path receiving ivleague education im struggling community college ability focus completely shot spent lot time reading philosophy find answers care money career children anything purpose life nothing every day string coping mechanisms designed distract fact life suffering ampxb late teens misfortune taking interest politics without going much ive found radicalized beliefs degree essentially closeted remainder life mental health existential end longer care humor mind spirit completely broken im mids best case scenario find girl treat like bronze medal find energy kid use reenter real world blend rest society family look anymore kid threw away life reason killed yet mom knows miserable told several times friends kids killed shed never recover probably divorce dad living past decade nothing despair even ego save face anymore watch rest world enjoy lives least drive exist creating envy refuse humor want become disgusting hate filled elderly person wait parents pass least go early avoid another  years remembered good person