cant forgive myselfi cant forgive myself whole life ive taken care of regardless situation someone always pick slack ive left behind lot it able coast life putting minimum effort everything do knowing someone else always rest me eventually turned letting people me letting people cared world abusing love trust id say whatever people wanted hear extend free ride on hated this depressed damn easy anything something carry forever think somewhere inside knew that given choice starting hardest journey youve ever gone on continuing road ive going whole life chose easiest route like everything guess whole pattern started mother would let bargain pretty much anything rule get around formulated strong enough argument parents divorced  years old mother given custody moved frequently whole life think longest stayed one place  years lived her originally bought house  hours away father lived soon became apparent needed closer him seeing every  weeks enough ended moving  times year ending right back started  hours father lasted one year town  years old mother decided wanted teach religion china lived china  years mother taught english support us ended enrolled full chinese school first year speak word language put effort learn language hated fact brought away friends live determined make worst it returned china learned almost none language put effort probably could fluent waste thats think looking back basically every stage life returned china changed significantly going outgoing confident returned shy stick myself im sure made change ive tried pinpoint never come anything regardless still good friends lived town before first  years high school alright school never put effort in cant remember homework always got minimum teachers liked me nice polite typical struggling student moved times completed high school getting tiresome writing it grade  parents wondered grades bad decided get iq tested diagnosed something called nonverbal learning disorder basically means huge difference verbal iq performance iq case gifted verbal iq average performance iq apparently differences size extremely rare blamed poor grades lack effort articulate thoughts ideas head easily translating real world difficult me anyway moved one last time time live town girlfriend time stupid know  seem pretty important lived family took foreign exchange students dad paid rent there course within first months living important relationship fell apart grade  ended dating amazing girl christian bullied child low self esteem used male attention dated full year sex picked grad night think ive ever emotionally charged experience that continued dating got crappy job working call center instead going college even imagine self going back school point turns though ability slack limited school eventually stopped going work ended getting fired tried going college twice dropped times apply myself would let absolutely tiny excuse get way attending class homework started working convenience store mind while still slacked though ended hating quitting still girlfriend time probably together  years point rd year university nothing wanted badly make change tried going china teaching english staying mother yeah lives now alright again cant bring put effort in know cannot bring it matter hard try video games convenient escape help often social connection friends though took long time admit it addicted escape reality provided made little bit money china lot working mother school taught at easiest way get work drive go apply schools looking people night got back china girlfriend brought meal airport rented us hotel night told thinking going back china friend mothers offered good work opportunity there want go another  months without seeing me put school hold went back china me ended achieving nothing worked ass teaching english something hated us able afford flights home still hate me best support motivate me moved together last semester university went back school drop time still put almost effort well classes failed one average others graduated degree animal biology amazing grades deans list every year got job working assay technician applied veterinary school sat home almost full year rarely going out sometimes even ignoring her become dependent rather partner get vet school first attempt competitive canada almost one gets first year applying continued work continued nothing refused go visit work friends her day never even met me want anything self esteem shot getting job seemed impossible knew alienating one person cared about change though matter much fought myself would always lose literally everything alone worked cooked cleaned went friends alone sometimes begging come her rarely though carried year moved new apartment went friends wedding days came back distant asked wrong said you want know asked breaking me fell crying arms nodded even cry kept telling sorry everything really hit yet moved started living friend cant forgive one thing truly cared world nothing makes happy month since broke friends ive known since teenager seem stupid now flaws used overlook obvious even want hang them top depressed anyway considered suicide together seriously like now done her know would hurt parents probably friends now think value feelings situation though theres one thing know people loving enough get depression see life going uphill want live im going feel way forever hate ive wasted opportunities relationships time even losing this still feel like make change feel hopeless one thing even gives little motivation one day trying make ex showing ive changed think even deserve opportunity put hell even conjure little effort help her ended longer intended reading probably could cut paragraphs still got basic idea across whatever read not