ready so booked hotel room intended end life new years eve is today live intended right actually even felt bad last week leading day kept telling going get worse anyway stick plan end pain all theres certain pattern depressive cycles know every time manage come side it keeps coming back always does feeling way years really think going get better okay days bad days very bad days bad days always regret going prior plan end life feeling bad entire december still feel great bad enough want end right now funny spent week writing final note another letter best friend things would need help wrap loose ends passwords bank details etc cleared things work thought ready go last days suddenly felt like damn still things would like stick around for shows coming  want watch albums coming still want listen to even managed clean room yet maybe time go now alone hotel room am feeling okay part think im going live again time even though also know im going regret next time feel super bad really know this ever stop hurting stop want know going worth it want bad win this even win tired