currentlyi need write everything down hope okay here so wednesday morning finally felt like life settled moment busy felt good kept mind much anxiety suicidal ideation course last long evening school sent opportunity letter students concerning auditions local boys schools production the female roles on life became unbearable again desperately wanted it knew time invest unless significant role i want dedicate months ensemble alright acting necessarily suited part however couple panic attacks finally courage write name next morning thursday everything settling way planned find monologue night start practicing next week again however began panic classmate insisted role involved singing everything felt hopeless again catch break so another panic attack ensued night even worse though list many girls suddenly also signed main role one particularly amazing actor also absolutely perfect part weak filled anxiety cried hyperventilated hour saw name knew shot all guess knew along confirmed it suppose whole time reason upset badly wanted production want become better actress want make friends want experience satisfaction putting amazing play hurt knew start would never get that chance world makes distraught know weak pathetic getting worked this consumed life little issue im feeling waves suicidal thoughts anxiety depression worse before think cross name list late everyone knows pointless go role even friend told that