giving up need make decisionquick history redflag wished never born around  wanted die  wanted kill  onwards think period three weeks point past decade happily died pain would cause family sorry mangled sentence need get editing ive taking step speed path death without killing immediacy reason want family know killed myself want think died accidentally stupidity smoke take drugs frequency take unregulated medications transition gender etc problem moving quick enough im kind immediate danger im going swallow shotgun ive thinking taking heroin would equivalent me thats speeding things up heres im here im engaging life cant far gone genuinely want die feel confused like actions saying one thing thoughts another kind of example trying lose job care could use someone talk think could help make decision whether finally give truly engage life halfway point getting down thank reading