whenever think childhood want kill myselfi try think cant comes own always still quite often whenever wander trough city whenever working whenever sitting school whenever home always bad sometimes even good memories made friend elementary school come up usually horrible memories comes up memories father drinking beating mother memories trying force problems memories acting like clown school could least bit cope sadness despair head now early s personality fully stabilized many ways different used be thought memories would leave alone least hurt much mistaken know problem mother path father drinking smoking taking pills makes memories come huge scale know i good son something wont  never good son fine it tried spend little time home could coming home sleep weekends eat hoping would help  not now know help death even lifestyle take time all human body much durable us would thought last longer mother i want free