looking around liking itwell feel like end rope im  life horrible one spent half life homeless bouncing around foster homes broken family brothers homes grandparents cant stand site me father walked  feel like im empty shell walking around waiting die thought keeps popping head why take easy way out attempted task before told join military medical purposes one knows fact ashamed tell broken family lack motivation anything feel like wasting space burden family cant find job college take me life really lost meaning me sit around nothing chain smoke bad cant breath wake up smoke little miracle makes feel ok cancer runs family find hoping get cancer called friends deserted me feel alone want fall asleep never wake up least dream happy another thing makes want end it fact think gay want be find women sexually attractive urges thoughts tell wise want life cant stand much longer understand punished life fate disappear become nothing know else say get chest thank you