first night postingi posted rdepression ive lurking sub lot longer ive depressed almost  years length people sub bet bragging horrible older people like here sometimes think people used know people used feel like me see apparently grown it see still thinking redflag everyday cant snap outgrow wake fuck get act together sometimes wonder seeking help even yield results all long ive gone deep feeling depression taken hold corrupted soul cant even remember feeling happy anymore differentiate feelings sometimes feel like depression seeped brain taken hold existence good life job loving girlfriend car friends family every time im social setting like tonight baby shower get fucking sad sit room see smiling faces laughing fun laugh inside feel inadequate hard even put words feel sit there sit next girlfriend know someone else better someone passion life enjoys everyday activities feel life  sitting next someone sit present think back head holding back watery eyes thinking there exist all im taking space im holding everyone back everyone positive force pushing happiness personality universe im fucking black hole anti matter wanting fade away leukemia fine long take pill everyday rest life diagnosed  years ago taken medication  months know refill it