want diei know long read it friends one whose opinion respect im venting want read long rambly vent go save someone redflag long winded  certifiably fundamentalist evangelical christian went church every sunday attended every prayer session went every bible study participated pretty hateful political protests know women get abortions murderers types protests also suffered horrible depression college anxiety school made depression worse found god nowhere found worse admitted fellow church members depressed felt told must me obviously true christian feel everloving peace god running veins every second im going spare intermediary details long story short attempted redflag recovered left church best decision ever made frequently tell people i born left church still believe god think organized christianity cult judgment hatred wrapped lies last ten years ups downs overall life much better feel like loving accepting person think im still christian like telling people theyll think im one crazy ones fit church fit atheists either even feel fit anywhere middle misunderstood entire life june year met someone like me exactly like me intellectual like me someone understood nuance things could keep complex thoughts know say without sounding like arrogant scumbag wellabove average iq large part reason fit anywhere big heart care lot people try judgmental impossible ignore fact people understand things like talk about find bored impatient people imagine how  years feeling alone misunderstood going radical mindset change thrilled meet someone understood me well totally fucked up friends connected strongly things got romantic always agreed matter happens would important stay friends said clear end even end broke weeks ago next day hanging chillin like nothing ever happened definitely morose romance continue knew id get it know happened next day dropped map usual us stay contact daily text message there silence felt like shutout thought ok well romantically involved makes sense take days apart days still contact really began question things left voicemail told him its okay need space could let know thats is ill give space need know whats happening next morning got text said yes need space need check first irrational thing id ever heard say course need check me grownass human being simply would appreciated courtesy telling need simply bizarre behavior someone reiterate important stay friends discard like piece trash thats feel now weeks still contact instincts tell something really wrong wanted respect need distance leave one voicemail tell never intended make feel though needed check me anything tell hoped grand opening work went well response intuition says wants nothing me intuition says reasons cannot even begin analyze understand decided would best longer friends hope im wrong grows weaker every passing day brought categorical typhoon depression me barely functioning known romance would end friendship never would even given second glance idea passed point return even official couple know could possibly happened change things much feel horrible feel personally responsible ruining best friendship ever had saved crushing loneliness misunderstood cannot handle consequences im actually praying again im praying god learned lesson please make punishment id anything friendship back would literally anything theres nothing do  choice ruined best thing ever happened believe theres anyone satisfy intellectual craving make feel accepted did tutor oxford told me you member intellectual  means going live lonely life unless course happen meet another member intellectual  well ian was im pretty sure hes gone forever depression resulted severe experienced ten years ago whats more experience ongoing depression left church partially blamed church contributing depression im existential crisis top heartbreak losing best friend lovers come go never friendship like ever again coupled fact know fault add cherry massive guilt top im lonely failed loser fucked best thing ever happened me remember prayers never answered im sure im going want continue on already dont even know bothered write this like anyone ever understands me must think im irrational overreacting maybe am feel way feels like god gave precious gift ripped away