searching answers discovering questionsim tired tired questioning every aspect life thinking answer lead kind breakthrough answers open questions confusing more ive selfdestructive lately ive taken risks know take ive driving without usual caution drinking become common started smoking cigarettes get fucking head think im freaking people out ive open suicidal thoughts take well everyone always tells stop talking like that want that want someone understand stop telling tell understand want to listen make feel accepted like freak cycling constant ups downs stability feeling control like think entertain redflag way take control honestly like it think lot meaning here believe fate destinyi believe ultimate plan caring overseer fault believe thingsbut cannot it ive tried ive dipped toes many different streams think im ready drown want hear acting like coward reminded hurt everyone around me think know that think feel extremely selfish help me ive tried discuss doctor therapist get dangerously close getting sent hospital need coddled like child told defective taken care of people understand mental illness makes feel lonely want someone understandswell understands actually willing walk beside me holding hand need it pushing feel stuck guess kind sounds like coddling know difference feel like wasting time trying explain it death tonight thinkbut constantly feel lingering waiting hug let with im starting feel stupid want sound melodramaticill stop typing ill try chill out think ill sit porch watch sun go down