need pointive coasting long remember things definitely started feeling wrong around age twelve that things got terrible tried st year uni mum came knife pushed through got nd year antidepressants still feeling like anything  evened state functionality nothing else remember like feel stuff relapse feel bad finished uni neet months told people im applying want things been feel like know shit anything point feel like pushed point everyone else enough need something know like know find out like look cant bothered change cant envision turning anything actually like look wrong think hate look confusing balls ive every advantage money schools opportunity wasted good feel bad hell ive wonderful doctors therapists every cycle harder theres less left me ampxb cant more current thought end march definite date got helium syringe air embolism carotid would hurt quick feels closer every day relaxing