im trappedpost put thread redflag ive semi suicidal last  months fuck throwaway venting grew poor abused situation improved  began trying get get better place spent  dreaming american dream  years gone educated impoverished child college educated man wife house career car hate career hate house fond paying ass car keep house career wife met  intelligent beautiful person also selfish opened relationship thing still regret time though got caught guys neglected me never wanted hurt tell ok sleeps guys needed love too tried tell way accepted lost love life idiocy time started dating one friends against rules asked friend approached ok fell love almost instantly went almost thing children incredible amounts things common first time life someone understood me process making happy almost entirely destroyed me stark contrast understood first time ever rest life left shambles top told wife fell love woman ive trying work since know id happier new woman would she believe wife would happier man like her wife putting blame situation cheating calls it one wrong wrong  people felt isolated alone found other top everything house signed father law also worth  less bought it cant sell loss cant abandon would terrible thing father law stuck with  house want  career keep house  car loan get job check engine light come today god fucking damnit  wife blaming joint failing marriage  gf torn apart role this  debt almost every item list debt financial advisers told wise decision debt told take could chase dreams dreams told would finally give happiness one day could fucking feel like im societal mistake contribute take world do hate life see solution cause others pain throw top psychological disorders cant get help waiting list  weeks long one disorders incredible empathy loved ones literally feel everyones pain situation know much wifes heart breaking losing husband time know gf heart breaking first time life someone understood rape abuse poverty torture went recoiled disgust thought ugly it person married man contributing ruining marriage want everyone love happy making happy make others unhappy making happy cause others unhappiness turn make unhappy thing day day least painful option wearing down cry silently desk many days wake arrive late work fantasize killing instead living another day perpetual state impossible crunch time work show work ass everyday company may go under cant even take time off become clear either abilities understanding one knows situation incredibly clear people misunderstand me want life love others something great standing way handle need help cant help me everyone tell lawyer up gym hitting etc etc im stuck hate life hate society live in hate way government works hate understand screwed am want die want look wife tears eyes begs fix this cant part problem things deal blaming gf existing neglect hate want kill myself hurt others much others hurting me afraid without help willingness endure seriously compromised already seriously considered  instances also attempted redflag  failed know im capable time im afraid im much smarter  year old fail