think time getting close cant take much longeri assume older here lets say around ish suffered entire life major depression anxiety generally miserable often not ive tried meds therapy effect points life starting teens adult life recent psychiatrist almost year ago broke trust fired shortly lost insurance health problems outside mental health continuous need care feel basically lived life without living last  years im married feel like ultimate drag relationship every way really believe death thing make everything else better havent worked probably  years due anxiety spouse made decent living cover us recently always horrified get treatment guess spouse somewhat enabled wanted get insurance all reasons wont disclose cannot get ssdi would play system get ssi thats even option year one absolute disaster tired living slow motion train wreck learned darknet got needed finally put end life ive sitting things month think time getting close actually something ive thought checking hospital telling plan perfected mask hides sign going head course life almost reflexively put pretty sure think im lying admit me honest dont think really want admitted really think past helped fixing life long time ago one point hoped admit feelings maybe get emergency coverage somehow dont see possible now want misery