current situationso guess ill start saying girl seeing past almost  years told cant see us together anymore started  months ago drunk fight phone died couldnt find how stupid hey kind broke continued see eachother prior next ill say  months break up constantly told dont want her im love anymore lying couldnt bare around made happy kept telling things like using didnt know wanted everytime went fully cut couldnt couldnt bare lose her last weeks tho slowly started accept fact lying infact want life loved much even planned really special like lunchdinner going tell felt apologize been last week felt way found briefly used dating app hated every moment deleted account prior finding about friends saw showed top fact pushing away switch went head says doesnt want me despite tho ive seen  times past week weve kissed multiple times weve held eachother cuddled even came work hinted wanted she said suprised happy see me last night saw eachother genuinely like always been sex felt fucking love her top spent whole night laughing mucking around like always felt normal like wanted there see things great feel much enjoys around goes home defense mechanism dwells negatives protect hurt like im trying hard force feel things past got like impossible see perspective unless showed myself literally see conflict avoiding it probably come across forcing see it idk do want back killing leads rn ive tried talk friends feel like im drowning cant sleep constantly break multiple times day gotten point hate much literally dont even see point alive pushed away person made unbelievably happy past  years like cant even remember good times spoilt fool treating badly ive told felt wished didnt dont want feel like im guilting her want back badly literally never happy whole drama im struggling see point continuing try need help do want back badly im scared getting upset something irrational said tho mainly want back im literally open advice desperate try anything