depressed many years experienced failure heartbreak rejection insecurity know love anymore  still live parents got degree psychology offer much right now work two jobs make ends meet try continue education afford it volunteer red cross smothered work lost hope love lost interest things used love art music everything sexually assaulted several years ago lost virginity result assaulted person thought friend month later confided let guard down true relationship lasted year half realized recently rebound bad marriage bought expensive car lost job dumped next day relationship nothing gaslighting manipulating me even grandmother dying barely supportivesince terrible depression worked constantly keep distracted pushed better things worked self esteem lost weight gained relationship tried getting back dating game people tell regularly attractive yet guys interested desparate lonely edge know ready not