flirted concept suicide life even experienced brief bouts suicidal ideation manifested response something someone brashly reactionary radically honest myself believe would scared actually follow act means ending brief stints silly sounds helped lot saw as real real person like full name redacted hobbies talents upcoming trips calendar obligations actually excelled showing for makings future people active life theirs hate myself actually alright person minute thereoh talented hobbies amp supportive circle people value much do them etc sure things absolutely not taken granted course mandatory prerequisites order future worth living see natural end then always does stuff happened life happened blah blah blah still though suppose use phrasing but then since regard thought topic suicide merely something tried understand could not simple fact actually suicidal person thus existed mental block sorts preventing mind fully going grasping concept satisfactionnow fast forward to lately i must crossed line sorts somewhere somehow know because come across subject suicide context amp anyone fear unease surfaces within at least initially emotions come though response lack afraid act suicideit also even innocent introspection pondering husband committed decade ago no instead experience anticipatory excitement similar feeling get underwater know able come air soon yet frenzied eagerness relief guess even cost yanking steering wheel finding vein pump lethal amount opioids into the internal monologue basically goes something like finally stop last loudness end sharp edges existence cease experience epitome true nothingness words paradise go