throwaway think make next  daysi  life roller coaster cannot take anymore started college two years ago time life started relationship would first girlfriend things went while came back down finished year  gpa depression leaving school friends summer combined enter long distance relationship girlfriend occured one year ago month affected job  years camp counselor love working children passion job anymore depression got point affected job performance hired back summer diagnosed officially depression last august put medication never followed psychiatrist fall brought controlling behavior end regret fully understand wrong ok anyway so parent boss acted girlfriend never again december last year broke u third final time mess sent three angry text messages never threatened hurt her regret messages er suicidal  times month end month asked girlfriend meet talk said no thaat night climbed ladder next apartment window knocked it never attention break in hoping would come outside realize wrong called police parents picked rushed hosital cops could get me admitted self psych ward stayed  days diagnosed bipolar found wrong medication before months left hopsital set go back school past spring continue education major filed harrament tresspassing warning entereed database told would record go back skibum winter dream always had fun many nights spent alone knowing friends life many people liked considered good friend  minutes away would text asking come visit not would taken one thing warning would become criminal would record unable work kids contacted anyone since night knocked window life seemed head again came home reconnected every friend blew last summer due depression got job working kids finished first week past week running background check cops said notices would show up local station entered database made clear phone stressed everyday show lose job signed lease apartment good friends fall school estactic thought back longer going back plan anyway  days ago found ex filed protection abuse order me knew planning attending school fall  months since called police contact anyone her want nothing her go court  days there going back school help case certain thrown contacted able say going back important note contacted  weeks got hospital respond made descion go back leave behind friends due mess sucks broke heart track attend school again not  days see her angry past understand called police want see ever scared death see her gained  pounds worked winter look good still scared see dont want bring back bad memories ten days find order thrown away finally move live life peace never see hear again order permanent go record ruin chance becoming teacher helping kids life goal scars self harm thoughts redflag rampant go work next handful days give best cant let affect cost another job affable benign thoughtful compassionate made mistake regreet learned it want live life scars self harm thoughts redflag rampant great this cant handle stress anxiety next ten days want see her dont know do