dont know im thinkinghis might end wall text apologize advance life crazy past months bit long story so four five years ago i  next month met ended relationship with somebody went elementary school dance earlier years know long known eachother alot common music arts movies things along lines edgy kids cried depression slit wrists fuck living in love we  time really good experience eventually started going back forth months eventuality split mutual reasons never really lost feelings her id harm almost daily throughout high school depression bloomed knew still feelings thing respected that went traumatic phase age  started meeting men internet sex free app claimed  men sometimes older  regret every day alive feel though taken advantage young age occurred  years kept secret never tested stds scared dont believe symptoms skip senior year high school never really stopped talking kind acquaintances friends still knew ourselves watched go abusive relationship lasted years really hurt watch feel like couldve saved that eventually ended class together started talking alot more long story short ended going prom together really good time thought things went well dropped house gave hug went hangout friends afterwards let know actually went go talk ex the abusive one dropped off ended getting back together night prom start darkest time didnt least tell me even still feelings her whatever stopped talking rest school year never really talked again self harming never stopped got exceedingly worse deep cuts arms elbow down stopped caring everything wanted end life still worked shitty part time job ended alot drugs snortingpopping pills cocaine bud graduating stopped talking everyone knew became even alone developed crippling social anxiety month short year ago got new job paid decent money self harming still didnt stop still feeling girl broke abusive guy year graduating got right new relationship another guy still didnt talk still knew life going months new job turns also got job place plan kill started pull through also mutual friend also worked there made little better sense would involved conversations her worse sense would endure presence thought everyday ending life would thing could really make happy still new bf always complained me started giving support advice started regularly talking conversations lives better understanding eachother eventually ended confessed felt discussion work one night contained felt other turned feelings me astonished didnt act anything yet since wounds last relationship fresh months line weve talking becoming pretty close one night work wanted us people work go  dinner went super flirty entire time night ended us car since drove us ended kiss little awkward happiest ive years weve close since basically act like couple kissing cuddling ect  happiest ive years still continue suicidal thoughts still checked stds still think younger im still anxious depressed fucking hate myself recently alone car together as usual leaving work parking somewhere since would late go either houses thing got turned topic sex ended explaining occurred younger first time ive told somebody this took understandingly open minded explained change feelings agreed go clinic recently sex days conversation condom checked she okay this made sure least thousand times know regret not really want work officially together something even condom could happen could fucked life still want kill myself put bad mindset decided things dint work ill end today went walmart work guess visibly upset drive there park explained that shes worried me friend also works us spoke day said shes worried us becoming close again thinks dont work shes worried im going end life gameplan didnt say anything minute everything kind built head one ended hysterically crying front her didnt really explain why left i dont know acceptable since knows effects depression care deeply still want die never thought opportunity would ever happen still want blow head off almost wish wasnt happening couldve killed without getting close end hurting even already is dont know do feel lost