update stupid worthless life grandpa died what week maybe days more way begin  specially since spend holidays watching agonize know what ive never felt like monster talked before long story short many good things enough everyone forgot bad questionable things borderline abuse typing hurts cause im asshole talking ill de dead cry cry even tried back refular life less day feel guilty bad guy cry hate it really emotionless mourned grandmother like normal person would mourn worry day sleep waking mother whailing day im tired adult act like mature two worries me getting bad obsessed him treat mother like man gave much trauma acting like better saint even death still control acting like im bad guy ive heard talking im senseless im brat hurt me does told im monster help he father was despite messed stuff raised deadbeat mess got pregnant im constantly reminded much bad person im finally showing emotion im sudden brat im tired acting like adult im  cant remember day teenage years acted like regular teen without adults tell im spoiled one literally mature one trying logical possible less burde everyone ive pushed health behind nobody got annoyed needing help anything hoped two people could chance ask help yet instead im one avoiding mom something stupid