please give read let know saw even anything meaningful sayfrom outside fanfuckingtastic life  year old straight white upper class male currently top high school class beautiful sweet sexy brilliant girlfriend thing complain mom alcoholic recently baby cps investigating might better gets taken everything right go weekly cbt take medication religiously and much normal dose exercise regularly never anything drink smoke eat right everything fine may surmised posting here everything isnt every day struggle get bed anything else think much want live pervasive thought appear nowhere even thinking things far removed sadness be consistently manage kill erections masturbating go somewhere dark never safe except asleep fact matter miserable point planning redflag last detail hypothermia feels poetic idea why course cant tell therapist this states laws required report suicidal tendencies parents state likely result involuntary hospitalization result idea depths anguish want get better afraid ask psychiatrist change medication several reasons primary one would take much time could take months get normal place cant deal fucking life long also medication ten years withdrawal hell earth psychological pain describe words result without options cant talk anyone fear betrayal trust every day gets worse days cry room instead homework end lot tiredness tired life never rest matter what another thing worry about another task complete even five months out focus that scan next threat deal it never get break mind never shuts up matter tired am constantly moving top speed meditation work nothing stops it escape thoughts pervasive driving edge needs stop needs stop now please help me please help please help please help please help me