would like someone talk toon surface live great life  year old austrian guy come well family go good school get decent grades well liked known quiet social guy incredibly intelligent seem get along everyone hobbies hiking mountain biking building lego sail boats would considered far average attractiveness terms physical appearance people ampxb problem inside wreck hard even describe really inside recently contemplated redflag couple times get anxious paranoid social settings feel strong emotional bonds anyone spend time head creating idealized versions life people around me real life feel though nobody talk nobody knows would believe me tried talking people class however see outside terrified failure even thoughts sometimes manipulative compulsive liar nobody sees it would anything look good lengths gone so always horrified hindsight ampxb outlook future also depressing see point working hard getting good grades school get university study  years work miserable  years make money survive live rest life old man use money end making ampxb also daydream fantasize lot would like live know never able achieve ideals short want chat someone know me scared face face maybe stop getting suicidal thoughts