im ready go im calm makes even certaini dealt lot life im sparing details suspect elaborate id receive messages saying ive come far ive proven stand hardships etc etc abused throughout childhood poor life etc gotten nothing im accepting future want life option really continuing kind work part time college food service first job lab gave presentations awards ive worked many labs ive done many things even cant get fucking internship im fucking idiot current job makes feel legitimately subhuman cry whenever get work feel worthless ambitions ive put much work fulfilling them itll end ruins government planning massively tax graduate school options already out already knew would be think could get  gpa really want to graduate degrees seem burden anything want work lab even care make meager money long afford studio apartment take pride work pride work right now foresee even finding job graduate little year cant even get second internship already one get this gave offer back said no thought broaden horizons ive lost luck ever had could set safe ruined that bottle barbituates chronic migraines made map entire future different tendrils might take none lead anywhere positive options spent future im obligated work packmule serve professionals better lives mine rest life cant make that one can im afraid die consider im act defiance refuse live survival mode sake people empathy towards me wanted fulfilling life wanted loved even pay well wanted cultivate image myself develop hobbies make friends never happen work deadend job rest life honestly question anyone does anyone continues living life like that barring children spouses want fulfilling life want death never fulfilling life im stopping train derails or sense im derailing myself least im control