worst year life im edgemy life chaos moment born every time think hit rock bottom things keep getting worse estranged birth mother killed birthday year overwhelming sense guilt never reconnecting whole adult life always thought never felt ready never thought shed gone family going apartment brutal hadnt seen since three always cold tried converse online otherwise never forgot me wish got side story besides that year worst life seems like storm storm keeps coming life live shame guilt feel actions adult woman ive reckless sexual habits resulting hpv previous partner evolved precancerous cells cervix leep procedure cells removed guarantee wont grow back exposed herpes virus havent symptoms know body lot drugs resulted deep shame regret also permanent anxiety due amount stimulants alcohol ive dumped body got dui  hit run bachelorette party evening expensive pain ass cant even make eye contact old friends mine anymore feel ashamed past im bisexual completely deprived ever experiencing romantic relationship woman besides purely physical settling getting married part deep dread that ive always preferred men romantic situations im disappointed never gave wholehearted shot especially since tend lean toward damaged men love husband death still regret mine one place wish selfish ive abandoned screwed anyone thats ever important way another due abandonment issues childhood ocd heavily revolves around abandoned compulsions drive insane point sit fetal position tell much hate it arent even bad compulsions get sensitive myself besides mental issues  months premature born intestines outside body due moms drug alcohol use pregnant many physical health complications come it im nauseas day every day likely due scar tissue stomach insane migraines id rather die endure  minutes more hard live normal life mental physical stuff thats happening  ive therapy counseling whatever never really helps much get office im happy cheery optimistic freak loves life sobs hysterically whole ride home whats wrong me talk friends dont like talking much especially detail get relate still makes uncomfortable talk about husband talk anything hes great person bounce shit feel guilty like burden ive fucked life enough is made many plans kill myself always imagine car accident gun im glad dont gun lost license dui ive called texted emergency hotlines nothing really makes feel better though try reach out try talk it nothing trick day dream long dark silence death alive mom abort like have wish had life cruel didnt pets husband id pack bag see long could survive woods tent backpack thanks letting vent could write whole fucking novel fucked stuff happened chose limit years struggles alone maybe write novel maybe someone make movie get rich building nerve kill myself