hellish year life amp constant suicidal ideation still here writing tell can get better even currently feel like embodiment hopelessness long post apologize encourage read it thanksthis journey pit hell began last summer around june time broke could barely afford rent take nightshift job grocery store make ends meet lost exhausted want live anymore remember pacing room thinking hanging make problems disappear felt like unrecoverable failure one evening way work get frantic call mom get place asap explain why terrified me sped there get house cop cars driveway go inside take seat next mom one officers explains verbatim your brother involved shooting died im going delve specifics brothers death following months mindnumbing confusing heart breaking months life listen dad openly grieve more like scream console mom shattered pieces explain friends made feel like weirdo failure live guilt ie i could prevented happening first death id experienced know cope nature brothers death completely fucked emotionally mentally completely disconnect order preserve last iota sanity left selfisolation depression disassociation anger world began dark messed things while monsterish behavior contributed even suicidal mindset guilt amp shame literal voices head would tell kill daily basis deserve live months able get different job remember one day overwhelmed everything going simultaneously felt like getting running door planted mind day had kill myself even texted friend abroad tell going last rest year probably going hang myself fightflight response insane took everything keep going daily routine without harming running away new city car died permanently final straw me already felt backed corner even means running away wanted to damn near lost mind broke front dad cried openly felt like it money brother dead even car point make hardest decision life go get help want to either  kill  continue living hell  reach someone started going therapist mom seeing time unloaded everything honestly felt bad endure say immediate improvementin fact airing problems someone actually seemed justify redflag times continued going started implementing things help cope shitstorm in eventually decided needed even help requested put antidepressants ive mg lexapro  months undoubtedly saved life medication therapy able start climbing depths hell start moving forward life easy last months shittiest time  years existence im still here like damn im proud that cant believe actually went made end course still days life perfect year since brother died im still emotional it suicidal thoughts crept times overall im alright might getting different job soon pays little more ive started hanging friends again feel like pieces slowly falling place so thats story im going sit bullshit saying  get better know situation say absolutely can get better redflag isnt always answer answer getting help realizing external assistance way id get this set aside stigma fear medication put footwork finding people could help me worth end even another tragedy strikes near future absolutely could know take it fuck ive already trudged hell made out feel like take anything thank reading