cant forgive something heinous teenager cant stop thinking bad awful ami dont know start even start really struggling past weeks moment feels life difficult times anything dont know do brain keeps fixating event late teen years think  im worried means life whether im worthy alive moment stupidity encouraged family dog lick there didnt last long couple seconds maybe dont know  fact capable thinking split second thats ok even option mortifies me terrified makes monster akin people abuse molest take advantage weak innocent  makes feel though dont deserve live redflag constantly rattled around head release hate ruined life story never look back fondly past self capable thing mortifies me wish could take back really do worry ill never find love feel dont deserve worry never able enjoy sex time anything enjoyable related sex partner reminded worst action plays constantly head ruins everything feel guilty ashamed want stop thinking end all need know horrible compared rest humanity want know horrible awful disgusting was feel trapped horror story making  every second feels like skin fire want die know go living knowing im monster cant believe this dont want beleive