knife hand itgtan audiobook played background switchblade skull print stuck throat body convulsed spurted blood mouth wound onto wooden floor slowly lost consciousness scenario imagined then think ill know idea felt nice commitment death terrifying process loosing consciousness seems strangely pleasing im guessing things do life half bad good grades supportive friends came trans everyone near accepted me parents provide anything need depressed life good attempted redflag last spring sometimes regret go way times im glad die want live others myself sometimes barely get bed mornings anyone else mess like me