ive spent last yrs suffering spend another as lay here try sleep avail thoughts life deserve atrocities forced live life am lost entire family lost nearly friends stuck around more fareweatherbenificialselfish assholes ive tried kill damn times failed miserably back  losing grandfather father figure life decided wanted join him took  pills not going say ones well yeah im asshole ended er deaths bed unfortunately know ended up tried jump golden gate bridge ended biggest mind fucks time months ago tried hang myself remember blacking going completely limp woke floor redflag hotlines joke im sure help people text crisis line sometimes wait hour  time person gets phone feel im talking robot emotion ability speak really feel fear police coming snatch up suffer severe depression bipolar  ptsd anxiety stress ive recently diagnosed ptsd learning curve getting harder harder survive day  soon absolutely zero died tomorrow anybody come claim body bury me would sit morgue weeks stick pauper grave number friends care enough let alone show funeral one heard anybody tell love almost  years horrible feeling knowing completely forgotten life knowing nobody cares enough tell love you much hurts helps fight never ending battle life death pray helicopter airplane cement truck meteor comet comes crashing roof hitting me luck id probably survive head partial torso right shoulder redflag death two things dear me wish knew life love guess thats life right live learn whether love loved optional