want go hellfor longest time felt completely useless stupid like absolute failure future cant public speaking horrendous critical thinker writer spend time home trying finish masters thesis helping family restaurant working next medical school application rejected for th time honestly idea want do mediocre researcher absolute shame field embarrassed quality work also fun around friends finally cut loose invited hang out even make effort reach out see everyone else pass by stay stagnant future prospects everything touch turns trash stupid keep up struggling put thesis together selected flawed project written mcat  times idea want life everyone else know employed getting married good time im alone stupid waste life honestly tired feeling like stupidest person there unable anything right want die guts it popping pills difficult carbon monoxide sure thing noose hard family home also devout muslim redflag means go hell want get hit truck get cancer mugged killed want done with want help die