wrong mei lost years reason ever since little wanted girl grew playing bratz dolls dress  dad told stop fag always tried get guy things interest in want go shopping drink venti girls could go examples idk feel way going try start hrt im scared dont understand wanted bad opportunity presented scared away dont know would even explain family cant even explain myself due years suicidal thoughts alienate everyone around me tried make obvious sometimes talk nobody seems notice bitch feelings never ask feel nobody cares me dont even care im scared commit redflag either dont think ever able actually transition even transitioned would fix problems suicidal thoughts dont know im sure id happier dont want regret it hate way look dont know why crossdress feel great pretty top world feel like im trapped current situation im  dont want regret im age im still confused deeper source pain giving thoughts dont actually want become female instead want mend mental issues dont know brain like this dont even feel like going anymore seems never ending fight prize unachievable happiness never felt true happiness dont understand im full much pain