postm personality tapestry hypocrisy contradiction hopeless peoplepleaser heart ill damned go completely way make someone happy typically put minimum amount effort possible  enough could said actually something made person happy put facade niceness despite bitter cynical even hateful times cower face conflict even around involve enough make anxious upset simultaneously selfloathing selfish narcissist addicted tearing unable bear thought others even disliking issue me deeply value honesty loyalty decade ive lied frequently parents many things including mental state employment status spending drug alcohol habits theyve told several times find difficult trust me cant blame them value thoroughness strong work ethic coworkers though find cut corners bend rules favor find forms work soulcrushing reason work hard shame disappointing bosses resented coworkers ask money family trumps agony working irresponsible money make pissing away alcohol junk food video games prostitutes futile attempt shove anything void hopes feeling less hollow moments else im diehard perfectionist yet lazy stubborn person be wonderful combination results someone cant assed anything forced upon him rarely follows things start finally almost never satisfied rare occasion finish something ive gotten good making excuses procrastination weaseling way commitments ive lost ability connect anyone make friends honestly think constellation traits particularly special typical shithead millenial raised mostly anxious mentally ill single mother ssi budget never learned work hard anything value things had parents divorced  years old messy ordeal suffered clinical depression severe social anxiety since  bipolar  diagnosis  following first manic episode nearmental breakdown away college prescribed lithium zoloft five years three failed attempts college many many types medication later refuse take meds im completely disillusioned pharmeceutical industry industry thrives curing keeping people bit less miserable with bonus side effects need pills for years depression pothead drinking heavily fucked brain enough is parents last two ropes mooring earth even friends ive managed keep thus far feel able move passing easier certainly isnt never be girlfriend hold back learned hard way im ugly insideandout considered relationship ive plan years now never felt close last acting upon it need one last push overcome nemeses cowardice shame beyond frustrating go want painful see poetic absolution mindless hedonism