finally defeated survival instinctsi trace depression back  gradual process day day felt disconnected society people consequence feel like developed terrible permanent personality disorder age  due depression ive thought redflag three years month im actually planning know time semester ends october th kicked university falling last semester literally got  four subjects half semester irrationally worried others think death everyone thinks im fine every decision ive made past three years heavily influenced depression never used think like this never used selfdestructive thoughts make decisions know going terrible consequences future september  work shitty part time job pushing trolleys kicked university literally friends push every one away sit home laptop watch soccermoviestv shows staying university library made realise normal atleast years behind peers in everything personality flaws never going go away last straw mathematically knowing kicked university realising matter even gotten  high distinctions year psychological problems going prevent living normal happy life even though never sought professional help believe amount therapy prescribed pills going make feel better lost much time talking friend facebook today felt guilty knowing im planning absolutely idea guilt going stop me ive torturing past two years trying live normal life mental illness believe whats best people edit note literally getting  subjects first semester dream course requires insanity ama guess