going binge eating practicing starvationmy stomach hurts feel like nauseous cant sleep even though past midight last days tried stop binge eating going alright far im getting better controlling myself still trouble moving around due suspected disability im improving think con is food mind often now annoying eventually ill full control caloric intake capable starving myself add dehydration maybe sleeping pills trick cant stand housebound anymore thought could use time write paint im stuck again head feels empty lack life pointless able live much outside apartment  years now days less same im scared time flying by nothing changes wonder long go for mother live with close  every day im worried might die fall hands people care me day remember situation another instance hopelessness thing brings amount joy fiction tried create myself cant write actual characters lack emotional capacity skill experience unless magically wake ability walk again see chance actual independence im useful im alright me want die try to