know else left doive experiencing really intense suicidal thoughts now started transferred new school made  really good friends ex david girl named riley really close come january david dumped riley transferred different school city away within days eachother needless say crushed entered depressive state ever since then took get over especially ex insisted friends immediately breakup made much harder get him additionally ex suicidal thoughts spent relationship convincing kill himself made new friends coronavirus struck march close enough stay touch right now im position literally friends talk to still talk riley transferred back old high school closer old friends know long makes staying touch kinda hard super bad place while staying home kind cleared head was deal parents full time traded social issues family ones felt like nothing could escape sadness slowly engulfing me however tried use opportunity reach friends old high school old best friend lila fallen touch with while things seemed getting better again truly felt like someone genuinely cared me however anxiety persisted thoughts came back started thinking ways actually it firearms hydrogen sulfide suffocation nitrogen carbon monoxide poisoning fact could think one person would care died didnt help right think im breaking point school start ive isolated months im behind college applications im taking huge workload year  friend whats worse got really wasted lila week ago confessed everything depression suicidal thoughts plans it sober im sure really freaked out remember making promise tell anything sober remember course woke remembering everything felt awful scared away friend set awful burden her pretended like blacked said loved me since then acting kind cautious around cant help think ive ruined stable relationship parents toxic hell know past suicidal experiences telling would make things worse sure drive killing myself things never bad now think im really close resources well know else theres left do