hope end soon wish could die without upsetting anyonei thought since started homeschooled going community college things would get better was time now workload catching me ive wanted become history major long time excited take history class found much harder ever anticipated love read reading dry classes lot quizzes things online hard figure everything works ive asked help becomes harder harder so feel like im going amount anything bipolar disorder also gotten worse mood swings frequent doctor afraid put medications id go hospital parents would think im selfish thing would disappointed uncle recently hospital depression supposed talk it feel like kind important go hospital shortly after parents would probably think im copycat attention ive started cutting legs knives deep enough bleed parents dont know though dont need to even should theyd think im lying wish could tell exactly feel without hurting them wont lie psychologically abuse me dont good examples it fuck mind mom constantly belittles me times acts like shes best mom world times believe it dad knows thats is even acknowledged night said used worse yet doesnt anything it scream accuse lazy wonder scream back depression makes irritable upset days cant even get bed dad says need work constantly pesters it makes fucking miserable im lashing parents ive started lashing people around me like college kids theres boy gaming room hang lot constantly tries show stuff phone hes obviously autistic something try nice him little cousin autism know hard deal that constantly tries shove things face show politely ask leave alone today followed show dumb shit phone panic attack gaming room trying study realizing lost glasses kept shoving phone face despite telling nicely leave alone eventually got mad yelled fuck off starts crying cry genuinely feel bad yelling him look like bitch yells autistic people hate bitch try nice really do want make friends im socially awkward weird people dont want around me tried make friends college far one feel lonely lost life dont know much go try provide support people going am either ignore tell im weird hate weird kid last year high school people wanted vote yearbook likely school shooter clear could never hurt another person would never something like that dont even think something like that wouldnt even consider it another thing bothers drama club used in kind stockholm syndrome thing treated like shit would never give roles three lines most except one skit main character first joined seemed like liked then maybe try hard make friends people started avoiding people started saying id probably shoot school kept distance drama teacher despite fact learned lot him asshole made feel absolutely worthless now get go scotland acting festival treating quite members like shit revered community hailed heroes one takes account scars leaves behind wasnt fact that even though horrible people know would hurt family immensely kill myself dont know much longer hold out wont let get job wont let learn drive rarely get visit friends live near me reason im still alive know would hurt family died im sorry rambling much want get chest would take long write everything bothering me quite painkillers purse right ingrown toenail probably wouldnt trick sincerely considering taking redflag attempt know probably wont work temptation getting strong maybe ill keel middle class something would fantastic again sorry long read