want die thats things seem headingi want die want go want leave people care behind feel like thats im headed feeling wake morning bed nice comfy maybe even bit sick tell i want get up want go class want go work matter many times tell this know eventually going get needs done feel like right now part taken inevitability waiting time find making lose plans part fighting back trying throw many safeguards can suicidal part control find slipping messages help me conversations nobody ever listens nobody comes help rational mind control find unconsciously making small preparations war head really tearing apart cant anything times liesit mechanically go whatever needs happen big career fair school week even manage go depression hit hard even though know need go need get job next summer even make next summer im making positive change world existence hurts people good like guy last week feel like im attoning terrible things ive done know things cant change know hurt people future im writing someone sense control right now know thoughts including suicidal ones mine it know much longer get myself