ive miserable long rememberim almost thirty goddamned tired living like this sad scared lonely miserable    reference point peaceful content life like like trying imagine completely new color get hold there get past crisis thats whole damned life im tired surviving crisis crisis never getting feel like real human being fuck human being do tried getting smarter getting kinder making useful enough never enough point straightup cruel string person along vague promises one day feeling pain know whatll stop pain one responsible me hell responsible myself responsibility take care myself unless someone else going step in im one decides looks like know did understand could done little kid whole goddamned world denied me itll always denied me ill always feel like ive never felt different yet am held almost three decades dream cant even see im damned tired want end one person  one person whole damned life  genuinely cared helped me died completely unexpectedly know ill never meet anyone else like them one sliver goodness world gone never deserved it