best friend killed himself want join himmy best friend killed end september still cant handle it im f m amazing person ever known told last june plans commit redflag tried support him killed months afterwards know that time reason would want live hurts much left me one would could help called crying late one night test next day  am came spent night took test two hours sleep aced genius ever going find guy like again loved him never told him died alone feeling like unloved ive cried every night since died wishing could join death cant feel anything anyone else made feel beautiful loved cared way never thought possible hes goneforever im failure failed him never made feel like made feel used put hand cheek tell beautiful perfect girl world him now pretend pillow hand cry sleep failed him insecure intimacy issues never told beautiful man world everything led hard tragic life still found strength take care everyone cared for including me told father sexually abused me expected run door instead held told accepted loved matter what still beautiful him im sobbing remembering unconditional love gave me cant exist without him reach arms air sometimes im trying fall asleep hoping feel arms around again tell loved him assume would see again feel guilty want feel love again smell hugs me gave best hugs world want die again want tell love him shanei love you im sorry died alone there im sorry died feeling like one loved you do shown heart maybe would stayed im sorry love heart know wanted live cant without you one me stupid let in ill see soon love first time ive called that  cassie