finally timeive conciously suicidal around  years now though chances suicidal words great ive song dance while ive gotten help changed life grew up fell love got job whole nine yards everything anyone ever given solution feeling tried helped time others end still feel way help everything wilted either friendships faded love moved california pursue job studies longer excite me job miserable day one therapist stopped talking  months ago ive lost losing everything given hope future cant find go looking again wise man told sort person people keep like particularly smooth rock brightly colored leaf im sort people lose interest pretty much soon lose balked then proven true time time again hold anyones interest im even holding mine ive fallen back old signs worsening depression appetite energy want talk anyone anything everything ive said past months feels like mistake want text long distance boyfriend want exist want fade obscurity soft smoke want presence cease be so ive decided start prepping clean apartment distance friends family save pay last month rent front roommate struggle maybe ill take train ontario see canada first time go quietly hotel room something soft something final give everyone wants chance good bye chance without letting catch on want make scene want fade away want hurt them me im waiting finally time go