current meits while since much happened really know start feel now turned   days ago friends flew south korea yesterday join them  reasons i huge breakdown last year october sent psychiatry something filled many negative emotions towards guilt grief anger cut contact beloved friends actually planning holiday trip s korea i able motivate get job earn money trip like like  years now waiting til th month enough money buy new guitar nd collectioni classic one one buy either western electric guitar wanna future friends arrive back germany th feel kinda lonely now since used around spent time together makes feel happy time forget actually depressed especially best friends somewhat lives room drives me fun together instead driving apartment work happened alot past cried screamed alot edge ending life many times destroyed many things value me ruined relationships had walked path thought would good enough make gave many thingswhich still do struggle motivation right now cant even tell ok barely cried breakdowns last  months feel sad anymore feel guilty angry think reached point got numb think killing anymore want anymore moments feel relieved happy love anymore rejected fell love me cry rejected sit front pc play video games listen music play guitar piano spend time friends someone emotionally unstable always edge really wanted someone love someone lacking emotions actually live happy life real pain anymore would want end life think happened me good thing apologise english good thank reading sincerely d vy