depression getting worse way treating itim  ive suffered believe depression anxiety years know selfdiagnosis reliable bad reputation ive much trauma growing currently living severely abusive household raped molested kid bullied years struggling accept homosexuality etc ive suicidal thoughts long remember truly happy years always feel numb apathetic emotions im drowning sadness even small tasks like showering dressing exhausting difficult do ive never officially diagnosed depression even were theres possible way treated it parents believe mental health mental illnesses think therapy medication sham potential sources help life great either multiple times past ive tried tell doctor im suffering depression told really think was schools counselor helpful listen would keep telling needed less stressed constant breakdowns want harm myself time them happen reason recent one saturday february th mother got angry tried stab me ran away locked room started crying laying floor breakdown started felt like heart attack systems shutting down could feel screaming convulsing stop kept thinking slitting wrists ive never done form selfharm though im scared would happen parents noticed afraid hands might myself felt like control them point started slamming head floor wall complete agony knew head wanted make stop usually breakdown approx every three months ive three already since  started im afraid im going kill depression get treated soon cant wait  years leave home get treated then think possible feel like entire life spent fighting depression ruin everything grades relationships individuality im tired losing battle end sight know do