ever told anyone everything exactly sure even for whether want know someone cares maybe want someone know remember meit dark couple days keep thinking tired alive pain think ever really want die definitely want keep living life thisi guess start saying privileged access free healthcare limitations mental health therapist click wonderful job care mother loves me still cannot find desire carry oni medic army still really ready deal reality it made mistakes cannot shake ifs haves could haves always remember made mistakes called things good enough speak casualty could have led picture mind always come back to telling air force jtac officer sorry nothing left could do worst all congruence many small things added together create situation situation crept aware everything heading late really guilt fear gets mei afraid myself actions mistakes especially potential causing unforeseeable unpreventable catastrophic harm trust right thing good thing try put place never anything scared harm allow harm come people around me withdrawn slowly tried fade everyone lives way cannot hurt hurt much finally go it also scares me idea one outside family maybe  friends would really care killed terrifyingi cognizant enough know killing selfish thing something harm instead good people around me know unfair family friends therapist coworkers voice says fundamentally bad unlovable broken burden feel definitive told since organ donor would better something positive offset partially negative know fully buy yetit  years felt like this run rest s maybe gotten worse least definitely gotten better  fucking lonely time tried kill myself gone  month redflag recovery program loving relationship destroyed idiocy baggage tried kill again got inpatient wing va hospital couple weeks ago checked fear would now  weeks later edge again want die find still scared deed gets close harm pain would people want live anymore without prospect getting better so tired alive pain unable connect people see future things get better see future keep going indefinitely fucked know good compared many people unlimited medical benefits veterans administration good me believe work great job va medical center helping veterans idea something meaningful bring positive things peoples lives keeps going darkest ruminations come in see harm people pain burden shitty destructive way belief gone resentment comes anger frustration suicide would hurt loved ones holding back frustration idea trapped feeling forced live instead really wantif made far thank sorry even posting this creating something invariably spread pain people know share pain misery loves company also scared lonely afraid die without anyone ever knowing understanding guess want chest