life turned way want to im person want be none changed feel hopeless suicidal thoughts getting worse though im dangerim going try break sub sections little bit help structure bit ramble tends happen mental health bipolar ii disorder sure know is not form bipolar disorder suffer primarily depression high full blown mania lower manias called hypomania still up normal lose control lose touch reality serious problems typical bipolar ii disorder different doctor might diagnosis ocd gad panic disorder top say bad way believe firm boundaries mental illnesses think kind bleed one another psychiatrist treats symptomatically instead making conform bipolar disorder supposed do though huge problems evident another mental illness suffer really obsessive intrusive thoughts girl dominating life bringing down heartbreak so im still trying get something mentioned above ive pretty much reached standstill ive long time met girl late august pretty quickly became good friends big part life best friends feeling mutual told best friend friendship meant lot me like a lot love her means one incredible beautiful people ever met mental health started find really hard cope feelings think time right tell felt knew dating hooking someone would start panic attacks saw ex around  never even met knew was blue would get panic attacks thinking guys kind haunted memory told one friends gotten laid first time while panic attacks still come along sometimes well panic attacks things related her started get depressed someone worked kind came sent text conversation flat told kind seeing someone want boyfriend eventually mental health continued decrease eventually december tell her point things gotten pretty bad told keep anymore something feel way and even though told want affect friendship id get it said course still friends pretty much stopped talking me get that invite birthday party month later mental health gotten worse month couple weeks told her went see psychiatrist told something right good mental health situational well things right told panic attacks things less refused treat  said want change medication retiring soon gave valium prescription without adequate assessment substance abuse present past hitting bottle pretty hard putting valium top trying feel better im ambivalent really stupid me control ill though december january feel real me week birthday seriously considered ending life moving forward plans so less building it knew going it sure waiting for maybe waiting see things got better wait birthday idk birthday party ended getting drunk  sure much drank know mg valium blacked out evening kind spotty certain point tell upset way left things remember friend know driving home broke hysterics crying told going hurt something remember remember crying hard anyways next morning people checked me sternly came clean bad things almost ended life another friends forced go hospital couple days discharged hospital texted tell discharged right thing making go told uncomfortable told felt needed time weve talked since then like couple times mostly liking others stuff instagram times weve texted talked bit really casual stuff weve never hung since relationships general never romantic relationship never kissed im virgin things usually bug me loathe guys obsessed sex view women sex objects and afraid thinks may viewed her sometimes things like make guilt shame things flare up makes feel like something wrong me and ive always put way much emphasis relationships girls girl played huge part life fell love fast hard thought overcome tendency therapy long time top finally getting diagnosis taking mood stabilizers guess not i moved on moved on able to continue feel guilty happened  do often wonder message guy drove home apologize ive talked apologized said ok fault sick also yearn back friend still hope end together day hope weak word literally pray do interim also pray become best friends soon strength able handle romantic relationship mean time strength feel destroyed dates someone else prayers pray us end dating within like year friendship incredibly special miss that miss lot would enough live life focussing present makes sense another friend told cant friends someone want intimate with want friend again really really do want friendship again separate desires relationship her ive never felt someone understood cared like did also exact sense humor taste music  really kilter obscure music really big part lives literally closest ive ever come real relationship emotional intimacy really powerful felt like was finally thought found someone cared much cared them i hate life wish entirely different person would love im resentful get feel way feel like really week pathetic human being deep down really deep down feelings feel like part me struggled feelings emptiness incompleteness shame girlfriend past trivial juvenile sounds coped well expecting meet someone like fall hard did kind happened people tell need decide move get better cant literally feels like lying makes worse seriously like im saying moment feels bad like crashed hard lying extended periods time going move on etc etc etc cant plays monumental part life too big let go of thought losing catastrophic id rather die lose her part reason feel suicidal starting realize might happen my user name birthday coming up hard friends it last year good crew friends something birthday year didnt years well really hard spend birthday without friends year knowing part reason make room people life kind pushed people away crazy depressed person bearing reached people wake probably expected much them conclusion   fucking mess life good psychiatric care but im getting better comes feelings girl symptoms bipolar disorder convinced medication going ever change this therapy well ive therapy adult life things changed think suicide daily mean now mean long time think thought even happened probably fleeting really remember sure inconsequential me suicidal thoughts around least since suicide crisis january never went away managed better like said think always definitely periods past know thoughts mind new then gotten lot intense past couple days no think danger think safe