thoughts ramblingsnot really sure im writing this guess need get out probably ive never told anyone ive always hated things end without solid conclusion one kids obnoxiously talented time  jr olympic team headed olympic team spent two summers training current olympic coach last student took retiring end second summer together told never trained someone reminded much himself compliment id ever heard give well school recruited several colleges life far perfect path achieving biggest dream shit fell apart almost  death went numb kept going motions kept competing normally good grades became flawless felt dead inside one day like someone flipped switch every damn emotion id ever suppressed came flooding back vengeance fell hopeless depression getting bed became daily struggle went top five class almost failing school credit teachers everything could keep failing succeeded went top college nation sport although gave scholarship id quit sport struggled throughout first semester college end first semester healthy first time years healthy energetic happy vividly remember stringing lights onto christmas tree plugging wall flickered on like id colorblind suddenly could see again absolutely mesmerizing think one last happy memories have christmas went back second semester school things fine first month got deathly sick hospitalized  degree fever strep mono three sinus infections that struggled rest semester ended failing classes mono stripped energy brought back depression worse before weight cycled completely emaciated slightly overweight either stuffing starving myself picked habit picking skin constantly covered scabs scars drank shameful things hid regret weeks afterwards managed finally fail properly sophomore year spiraling depths depression ive never since come up ive gone years numbness ive done cbt hypnotherapy tried every drug could throw me tried specialized diets ect even experimental drugs literally thousands dollars parents money wasted fruitless attempt make feel again im exhausted every part every day internal struggle body haggard breaking down ive slowly extracted every important relationship life could see pain causing around me stand it ive researched ways go plan least organs use people still see joy life deserve keep living wish it