depressionnot really cry help thoughts depression m depression like ego death everytime get depressed goal life cant set goals depressed way around forced something somebody else friend  family ect feel like cant let down relationships myself like matter probably recently started viewing lookism blackpill narrowed value humans biological sexual attraction cant value humans objective means dosent exist sometimes get monster self hate nihilism creeps whole time function normally forced alone care due numbness project bad intentions people around me depression ego death order emotions anything need ego construct connects expirieences personhood feel like person thus ego depression manifestation ego cant fully expressed society feel like matter thats expirience ego rarely  trough meditation got moments egolessness pure awerness bliss earth need realize brain job feed information tries construct picture expect outside world feed brain bs worthless brain starts depression way save energy disociate experience depressed move all almost like winter sleep animals also numbness lack comunication sign major dissociation world interact world everything person bad every minor major depressive episode integrated new behaviors either changed belifs behaviors towards something think depression litteraly dying another person new one born obsessive thoughts make sense consciously processing new form yourself body dosent want die really trying kill want something yourself existance whole hate person call yourself ego death best way escape change thinking easier said done try medditation make anything less relevat beautiful time every major problem matter would see trickery brain person reality awerenss body mind thing call ourselves