never thought id like thiswhen school still hope thought could find something wanted do apply always had yet university losing drive skipping classes assignments thought would comfortable slipping life alone family yet im alone talk anyone days time im family feel constricted stressful trying present version want see thought would girlfriend could least engage flirting casual relationships yet never experienced anyone really romantically sexually interested me im ashamed myself lie university work friends family im ashamed lazy gone psychologist months im ashamed challenging thoughts like asked to family friends supportive lucky continuously stressed trying disappoint try worthy affection think parents would better served different child feel like im burden friends feel foolish caring relationships everyone says care yet pine others cherish relationships easier feelings pretend matter people say need wait happen im going waiting rest life seems feel foolish sometimes come thinking could one cute someone unattractive abrasive boring could ever anyone desire them undesirable noone ever crush me downloaded tinder made profile got zero matches weeks using  friends racked uo tens matches think im weird opinionated noone could really interested say romantically alone forever seen happiness future long while assume things would get better im good enough see stress uncertainty unfortunately me live australia  hard kill relatively quickly like pain cant find easy way kill would work current small residence im afraid im afraid screwing ending permanently disabled disfigured afraid locked away mental health ward suicidal want pass peacefully cant deal life