i ve had depression since i wa it come and it go but it came back around 0 and never really left just gradually got worse i dont enjoy anything anymore i dont look forward to anything i just wait for the day to end knowing there another one anyway all my day bleed together at this point insomnia doesnt help to where everything just feel like a long long loop my girlfriend of 9 year left me recently it got to be too much for her i wa trying but i guess not enough i only have a handful of friend but theyre either all going through something or dont quite understand how i put what im feeling into word so i dont feel like i can really talk to anyone i use talkspace but even that feel hollow no goal no aspiration i work in a job where there really no advancement im barely able to keep myself standing financially overall i just feel like a loser im i dont connect with people i feel like im just going to be alone forever the last few month pre and post break up i find myself sitting in my car alone in an empty parking lot till early morning talking to myself hoping that something will help but im just talking into an empty void im agnostic i want so badly to believe that there something somewhere that hears me but i know thats just not realistic i ve contemplated suicide several time but im to weak to go through with it too scared i ll screw it up or worse disappointing my family i really dont know what to do it like im just sleepwalking through life i find my moment to distract me whether it going to the gym or focusing on my other venture but at the end of the day it all just come back to this i had everything and i pissed it away like i always do i dont see my value