want die reason livei want suicidal want die want find things live for anything matter hard look cant find single reason stay couple things need cleaned up finished anything find keep going sad used think could keep pushing going something live back then ups downs suck know something side bad keep climbing mountains scraping valleys anything side cant see point anything could make happy even anything could hurt anymore everything could hurt already happened  nothing matters enough even care now want this cant find real reason to one left me one notice much gone short span physical pain seem bad