got situation pushing redflag  still suicidali still take great comfort owning item know end life whenever desire hear somewhat painlessly suicidal perceived ambition pursue mathematics going crushed still ive given time sit exams many reasons main one cant get feeling like terrible person ive made mistakes people forgiven ive spent sleepless nights crying mistakes made efforts never make constant guilt shame makes extremely depressive person im seeing therapist bipolar  know isnt disorder talking cant find peace anything let alone feeling satisfaction content best people would consider rumination moping perpetually self hating depressed know make people love show love low theyre around somewhat contagious know world would better place without breaks heart say initial period suffering killing would cause parents girlfriend would break forever rippling effect would last rest lives better live like zombie trying numb possible outwardly minimise risk infecting people melancholy much hate seems pathetic existence going terms ive realised much