im seriously fucked person absolutely deserve livethank caring enough click post means lot ill warn you though really really long done absolutely morally reprehensible things people absolutely deserved chronically past even know long ive always outward image helpful easygoing generally pleasant fellow im sure unconsciously shaped exterior personality convey harmlessness moral fiber make disgusting predation easier myself since young absolutely terrifying temper suspect ive got intermittent explosiveness disorder although ive never diagnosed im oldest five children workingclass background often left charge watching little sisters parents away love dearly general got along quite well always tendency fly right fuck handle pathetically trivial annoyances demonstrated horrific lack patience poor girls usually would verbally venomous reduce tears occasionally would become physically abusive fucking reason im grips rage tend grab throats remorse would set id exceptionally nice sisters while never prevented relapse im sure actions longterm effects poor girls opinion reason enough deserve death theyre good people naturally outburts lived absolute disgust myself veered severe bouts depression periods compensating false confidence joviality absolutely motivation school whole way through rarely actually work poor father concerned academic performance stepmom came life later bent backwards try stop completely fucking life up reaction take personal offence build shell indignance judgements christ im asshole began lying them lying began ways excuse responsibility homework similar things quickly escalated fullblown pathology realized feel bad horrific person believe lies that fuck lied everything became incredibly manipulative sometimes would lie sheer hell it made difference lied affected them got drugs alcohol early teens course lied teeth times possibly count stole hell lot booze remember workingclass father course teen years theyd finally found out kicked house im getting ahead myself though  met soulmate beloved fiancee online young innocent full love life ready pledge heart anyone asked it love everything much way responded interest love kindness completely misrepresent ways face name made ridiculous persona without really realizing it time noticed fuck doing stack lies included heroin addict i even try drug years incredibly promiscuous genders i never much held someones hand id made several redflag attempts as much hated myself much coward even consider it among many many others month relationship told girl would come visit her sent presents mail id moving soon able actually string along occasionally cut contact pick right back like nothing happened supplying outlandish vicious lies explain poor poor there ranging imaginary stays mental hospitals fictitious death dad stringing along two girls similar bullshit course came crashing around girls all internet friends found other one wanted nothing cut contact permanently let one two girls soulmate graciously took back wanted work relationship obviously ton resentment us that even though initially commit relationship completely even kind idiot realizes theyre lucky way dealt stress resented put christ im asshole talk girl whose heart totally broken little again eventually stringing along again soulmate found again took back the poor sweet woman repaid generosity instead moving across country high school put ton debt attend local university got heavily drugs alcohol frequently ignored soulmate party assholes whose names cant even remember fell back old habit telling outragous lies cover ass swallowed completely one college buddies noticed going conscience inform it broke me then spiraled rock bottom failed college one semester stayed dad time stole much booze asked leave house spent summer drug dealer remember little it engaged ultimate selfishness felt good me eventually psychotic break acid forced actually honest myself begged dad forgiveness accepted back house think fair invite back soulmates life reestablished contact girl yet again shortly thereafter soulmate talked again confronting things put manner never before hopes actually salvaging relationship tried hardest ignore her would denied never ever given me way repaid preserverence continue masturbating webcam girl time though girl playing me intentionally got lower guard could break heart told herself soulmate still loved me could believe lucky person wonderful woman life love much absolutely deserve moved crosscountry this two years ago live her since ive here ive made constant conscious attempts better person her theres one obstacle cant overcome iedlike illness plagued since childhood totally ordinary everyday arguments become horribly abusive fly rage become indignant believe anything justified scream top lungs call horrible names sometimes even beat her got bad last year time got arrested domestic abuse begged police take me paid exorbinant fees talk jail took back without second thought soon got out knows im consumed remorse something like that knows genuinely love pieces continues stay even though outbursts continue generally become physically abusive often although recently clearly piece shit angel wasting life on deserve completely killed it cannot believe disgusting human am expressed numerous times though shed rather dead without me loved much patiently selflessly long endeavor stay alive keep getting better her try make happy despite this need stay alive love way deserves loved know keep living burden conscience anymore importantly knowledge im shitty violent rageaholic snap lose completely never leave me never felt hopeless tldr im abusive piece shit longsuffering wonderful fiancee cant seem defeat mental disease trouble seeing way situation except death