im tired  year old girl senior high school sick all think analyze everythingits two parts one always telling good enough thin pretty smart enoughand part telling okay unrealistic expect many things myself really cant take anymore used eating disorder not specifically diagnosed parents never sent doctor would cost money failed too difficult starve extent still keep grades up hardly ever speak parents because well cant even begin explain mindfuckery behind all ill honest admit make easy mother not applicable dad give fuck me quite nasty know things im fairly certain times parents want rid me mother ever talks email nowand forcing get birth control pills believes pmddits embarrassing insulting me wrong cant depressed getting birth control make problems disappear ill still hate school believe im good enough ill still think im ugly wish could skeletonill still cut myself problems mother go away magic pill quick fix welli mean one leaves alive desperately want someone important life push away guy comes near me cant let find messed ami know ill screw somehow also feel repulsive allow anyone close way disgusts guys find sexually attractiveso much feel sick stomach strange also little respect body even know cant accept affection though want it future want live rest life like this also interest college get scholarship notifications applied prestigious school sent special application mother believe get large enough scholarship able afford going discouraged pursuing art the thing im remotely interested in really wants go community college nearly perfect gpa high act score better go community college ill definitely kill myself cant believe im still alive begin with lethal dosage pills ready summer supposed do