think ive reached end lineim feeling little helpless overwhelmed right now ive many psychiatric drugs  years now usual story work stop med key pin keeping together showing symptoms tardive dyskinesia where cant stop certain motions happening it started intense drug clozapine get vitals done daily weekly blood tests runs risk depleting white blood cell count feel med complete last resort work takes even get started it risks associated it new drug working right im suicidal im sleeping  hours day im skipping work showering eating feel turn destiny kill myself ive daydreaming lot lately wish killed various points life thought bet future ill wish killed now im going wait big family vacation were taking feb one last time hang family say goodbye