redflag note first cathartic writing i know post may long know else do wrote intention note getting carried away became cathartic outlet coherence really priority time ex switch st rd person talk people maybe get even little word salady maybe least  person could relate   things say note im writer something all spur moment type thing thanks reading commenting do feel like cant talk anyone except lit screen transient guests we ive thought committing redflag long remember fetishizing wondering planning enacting mock versions many failed attempts always small notion mind ringing true clear naturally would subside masturbatory fantasies continually fall through seems endearing anything sacred pondered days end quashed feebly mundanity cycle life forgetting moving on entire story muddled web deeped self deception oh many lies fictitious back stories ive created myself way act experience something fake order direct mind certain directions negative directionsconstantly constantly sometimes positive deeply rooted impulse thus deception reigns truth dont know ive spent much time harrowing loathing good it passions tainted depleted meaning faintly attained never realized dont know am wait kind explained minor trait personality right something ive tricked believing really sort brain power modulate harness worldly perception lie time myself others everyone around me dont know supposed be let give closure remember way back six seven years old used hallucinate infrequently first thing remember seeing baphomet least bastard form peek head stairs stare me whispering seth eyes dead locked onto frozen petrified slowly crawl stairs leisure onto wall float delicately room climb bedstaring shut eyes pull covers head keep there dont memory that selective memory tricking me thought memory fed mental verbal repetition fake dramatized trauma sort truth something right next one youtube video girl mental hospital choppy zany d effects ive never tested myself became petrified image idle girl intense quick zoom in could keep going tell different instances felt paranoid darkness ages  less frequently  slowly creeping back haunt  im giving bare minimum now repetitive experiences anxiety paranoia someone yes even real people trying harm kill traumatize destroy eventually bore myself something ive always lived with however different issues now ill see get talkin them father laughed told look tv screen waiting lobby area movie theater riverside long ago around  remember maybe dont influence commercial flattened girl ive seen terrified forced look upon again horror utter nonsense i grew probably around  exposed enough point diluting unexplainable horror im convinced altered pathology someway point would get anxious simple act drying hair shower vision blocked mind flys handle imagine terrifying images manifesting reality ready bodily mental harm insatiable desire consume fear energy feeding draining me child leaving door slightly cracked covering eyes come get me hallway becoming sick mind fill things brood perversity horror longer cringe thought hallway areas house memories marked fear unknowable chaos longer mere physical location rather transcended morphed directed psyche small way another vulnerable terrified lurking absolute nothingness punish myself punished forcing stare grotesque images actively seek find depraved acts available internet yes ive seen bad stuff thoroughly enjoyed it ask lets see squirm cowardice shame deprecative behavior coming light finally pronounced ignominy hurt hurt do stumbled walking tongues sighing grand equalizer occurs death wanted scar imbued strange comfort thrill bathed suffering fears transmogrified sensorial experience wanted drain everything occasionally need keep door locked wherever live believed either guys current roommates come whenever drug crazed zombie like state foamed mouth ready lacerate hundreds pieces overpower absolute death people look stare avoid idle eye contact see me see someone suffering laugh total power me ready pounce kill mental stimulation seeing abject destitute human acts like pitiful true entirely obviously i basis reality brain telling me listen acclimate it definitive yes whether bullied child feel like mind memory cloudy say yes definitely something minor way trumped others seek solace closure retributioni cannot say definitively long time convinced people oh many people regularly bullied take grain salt know always felt socially isolated everyone friends person constantly alone brain skull manifest body im stuck deal have limited creatures are feeble minute social isolation leads boredom boredom leads creativity creativity leads madness ive created characters head amuse myself keep entertained years definitive character name accents amusements always talking myselfblah blah blah love part loathes it ever im socially emotionally distant everyone persistence end high school  actively ignore everyone drown myself normal normal same makes sure reality correct one hoping become completely disconnected thoughts sort transcendent way lo man flesh dictates destiny absolute crushing nothingness woman says kids upstanding citizens within society kids rotting putrid stench shit everything say dashed lies could wearing mask beneath unintelligibility mood intentions constantly flux day day hour hour wear deceive others even deadly deceive myself thats would remembered id different person knew pertinent details life enough tangents food ah yes food one many vices full blown orgy days personal freedom bring end swiftly shotgun barrel lodged focal axis deep red shimmering saturating car towed away destroyed forgotten talking body well course man said woman man nothing slime blood bile consider nostrils throat abdomen hidehow desire hug nothing sack full excrement simple method suppression images fears consumption masturbation manipulation distraction flagellation doubts shame perversion anguish momentarily pushed wayside avoid everything corrupt innately destructive consumption consumptionbanal consumption constant acquisition utility notice exorbitant eating habits child young adults wanting provide children everything possible keep happy importantly content even best parents world discharge psychopath radicalist dictator hermit nescient foetus know intrinsically built parents connect binge eating crushing emotional degradation maybe likes eat lot let buy needs find strength within overcome gnawing voracious desires itso to expelled doubt hesitation rarely questions impulse yes do also use crutch wane demon existence yes father comment dont let demons get you rubbish foolish speak you could ignorant fact hypostatically connected demons perfect union yet l continue vomiting protract manifest garbed freneticism foaming mouth spastic writhing vine name omitted she goes name omitted now first person person loved used her wanted help as tried help many others past hopefully find sort resolution myself slowly realize fragility human psyche little dominion others actions wont get many details precisely that way much details however think rape whether true matter life ive chosen lean heavily truth altered me sudden loss control sway crushing helplessness single moment do completely break everything love person stand idly never rushing conversation reaction there something tragic like happens lose fortitude structure i began excising myself forced become completely despondent attempted burn feeling order move on this make one love subhuman mental training repetition cycling indulgence pain dehumanization yet stayed friends would get back together loosely grew older separated clinged onto dear life would interested guys would interfere side hesitationa hesitation conflicting feelings desire perverse not still loved pain point nigh unbearable losing fucking mind many times after acted tyrant desperately holding onto possible escape constant mundane cycling living harrowing angst responsibility hypnotized ad nauseam pendulum doubt oscillates nothing something active inactive never again longer desirable anyone even myself ive actively continually make so vomit glad still alive thought nonexistence extremely tantalizing  option  come everyone love dont loveeventually merely toe dip knowwe complex species genuflecting reasons logic laws also dont feel like writing sordid screed anymore amen