suicidality came back years peacehelloive struggled suicidal thoughts since  years old im  now self harm since young  so comes back different forms  sometimes spontaneous attempts sometimes planned sometimes unbearable need die wanted ask particular question were supposed survival instinct humans earth want die time therapist tells say want disappear instead die want something cease need break etc always quite precisely wanting die good  years barely self harm suicidal urges cbt moved countries recently diagnosed ptsd huge breakdown resurfacing suicidality crossing street every bridge rooftop calling me bus coming way sidewalk lost touch reality control body genuinely idea moved body front bus runs still standing sidewalk opened eyes realized alive