really long post suicidal really lonely indifferent sure dohi im really sure id like say really suck explaining accurately ill try paint good enough picture hopefully someone write something makes something click me ok problem im interested anything nothing myself  im  year old female  guess im pretty introverted id love find close friends even one would enough go partying get drunk go wild when put quatation marks mean although like idea rowdy silly like that like act itself get attention people people seem do always feel like everyone surrounded people absolutely alone want friends even one would occasionally partners with know makes sense  im intelligent knowledgeable much mainly attribute interested absolutely anything  im smart enough smart kids smart dumb ones smart mean pick things really quickly  really hope seem like im full myself think low self esteem im definitely sort depressed im  finishing university dec year friends  kept touch floor mates first year despise all yet keep touch without id actually completely alone ive felt way alone friends really like connect with life really aware grade  cry time  times week im good  times day bad week really know im crying feels like overwhelming amount pressure physical pressure mind like world closing in feel anxious anything like panic attack feels like give let go moments ill permanently cross line serious depression want stress rarely feel anxious nervous anything like that  loving parents take care financially live  hours away wish more love death began dreaming would died absolutely alone world around   years old would never ever ever anything make happen would feel horrible anything ever happened them day dreams also occurred less less grew older since technically longer linked them sorry using many quotation marks horrible vocabulary cant think right word express im trying say  dad never home younger impact negatively realize real relationship ive ever mother since ive never really friends never close friends i love death but loved sister twin fraternal sister never really liked mom never paid attention around always went way verbally abuse school untill years ago went different colleges were close now always believed would grow sort genious really smart younger  im attractive really self image issues  spent childhood mediator mom sister mom dad dad sister mom issues never bitter volunteered help honestly felt could help family wish could go back let fuck lost form socializing seriously fucking depressed theyre still withering shitty lives eugh sorry sudden change narrative much want look forward fix neutrality im living in cant help get bursts rage towards younger self much belief mother familys sanity know else say utterly indifferent everything everyone yet absolutely overwhelmed loneliness want people or person don know who want do im interested in etc want hobby ive tried drawing get bored tried going class lose interest pick gist course really quickly lazy actually readings everyone like this entire life people told im smart im positive everyone like this tldr im interested anything tried find things seriously care anything spend day sleeping wasting time internet sometimes exercising rarely reading watching stupid shit internet bare minimum pass courses thats it ive rambled long enough know people answer if do fine one does theres really much say would likely say things like take one step time you get this life worth living come well meaning place ive tried getting routine work way works getting shitty mind set like wake dream like state im surrounded shallow mentally disturbed people im sorry sound full like im better people really think am know reason always go back state nothingness try live real world hate it hate everyone hate indifference people neuroses im nervous time im self conscious time im worried people talking talk people behind back try lie cheat treat people horribly get back people say would actually listen not turn talk im sensitive understand sarcasm im actually sarcastic im uptight prudish mentioned above ever ended finding people actually like if ever figure like want party get drunk make mistakes things regret stupid shit know really long even though checking religiously next see ifwhat anyone posts understand one says anything helps knowing others like me really help cant trust ever find anyone get along im  years old yet meet anyone anyway like me im sorry represent properly feel like sound like huge bitch really hope im not loneliness eating inside really cant take anymore week really bad one thought would post instead wait mood go away again again thanks anyone read way