cupcakesok lied another person suicidal flow events life never connected much peers family is was much fundamentalist christian took passionately faith conflicted growing realization attracted guys family moved average every year recently friend mind come mean somebody feel safe talking all grade school got good grades gifted program pretty awesome sat scores blackbelt in tang soo do hate myself mothers emotional support punching bag since father left freshman highschool made deeply fearful connecting anyone even slightest degree told since  people around deeply sad father left mother finally took seriously enough let see somebody it depression meds made difficult think feel anything all started cutting soon starting meds took stopped cutting month meds started effect ever told anybody cutting feel ashamed able deal many people clearly dealing fine talked several councilors always ended thinking fine tell anything really mattered without also telling strong urge though desire end life fallen completely behind college certainly fail entire second semester getting full as first semester painfully deep way know handle knowing wake tomorrow drive school found making stupid mistakes also found difficult resist driving bridge close house every time pass it the speed limit unreasonably high back road is want make sure something super obvious missing everybody else somehow understanding would appreciative things show comments  anything word wait it gets better  anything somebody in metaphorical sense kind gesture honestly helpful somebody irl posting right now edit typed one go spelling grammar mistakes please tell fix them