always vergeim scared even admit feeling incredibly depressed again keep journal im scared even write feel like killing myself feel like getting day telling least redflag always option like every day say well gets worse ill kill anxiety something ive never diagnosed im anxious call doctors arrange appointment im scared take time work entire life even school months years worse others find dumb settle boring routine relatively ok feelings messed taking promotion work responsibilities spend  time home absolutely terrified ive done something wrong replay things head convince wrong lot responsibilities work involve outside clients something wrong could potentially big problems caused company really kicked anxiety depression overdrive exhausted constantly worrying cant sleep eat im terrified time genuinely feel like way end all like im worried something specific moment may sent something wrong client time wasnt worried all didnt think it came home brain started playing day realised didnt remember double checking it weekend ive state worry complete emptiness ive convinced wrong isnt unusual every day come home worry something didnt do cant carry like this cant tell employer dont official diagnosis told previously managing director extremely angry didnt believe me said wasnt trying given wanted fire gave another chance feel like dont leg stand dont sort diagnosis scared go doctor every day think worst things could happen decide happen ill kill sort gets through im worried worst thing going happen one day snap ill kill everyone sad cant see another way this horrible tiring cycle people tell stop worrying wont make mistakes im smart etc makes feel worse inevitably make mistake theyll disappointed literally cannot stop worrying feel thoughts going round round head like stuck loop know boyfriend gets frustrated angry cry shut away doesnt understand worry things wish brain could normal could stop overthinking thinking worst happen normal people dont think killing every day im sorry sending email know long dont expect anyone read all know im ridiculous im grand scheme things none matters wish could normal brain im scared tomorrow go work ill possibly find things ive done wrong dont know happen could lose job destroyed id anxious new job could even find one wouldnt money meant buying house next year go window too feel like cant talk anyone dont want worry them cant tell employer happened last time cant tell dad hell worried boyfriend means well cant understand never worries anything hasnt ever depressed before know long anyone bother with needed type out please dont nasty impatient cry usual ignore dont want ill delete it