made decisioni going kill myself maybe today maybe tomorrow tired sad toxic house  mostly father everyday need walk eggshells everyday fear going hit manipulate  used hit younger tried year gonna take antidepressants high blood pressure pills done dont know going work done lonely feeling fear sadness done fuck family fuck abusive ex fuck called friends irl doesnt even try call me done fuck everything lost  years life  studying stuck home depressed toxic man dont wanna live anymore wait gonna send saving money charity kill myself