future dauntingfusa week met group people ive known online  years now huge high point felt loved like long time went home started feeling really down couple people told felt way want overuse emotional support much support system irl really want burden people around now grew household emotional support whatsoever childhood emotional neglect describes pretty well ive longstanding pattern latching onto one two people using emotional support get tired leave want again one friends met helped yesterday freaking out feel like reaching today really want burden put much him know thats respectful waah waah dont worry me im nothing needs ive learned respect needs little more still nagging feeling like im going ruin friendships needy im afraid live parents right ive never felt comfortable showing emotions around them reading lots books subject realize theyre emotionally immature emotional lives shallow seem okay that even though know why know neither ever able give semblance emotional support need theres still little kid inside crying mom comfort hurts ive always felt like deep black hole inside me also im point potential major choices life grew knowing fuck going life ended getting fairly useless ba school went long depression able find job moved back home continued got job year half really depressing processing disability claims decided quit decision pursue teaching english second language eventually got certificate that job offer vietnam feel paralyzed fear think center this feel like im enough like able stuff set do even want teach vietnam first place another stop what fuck doing train tefl exactly longterm career like fuck going go hate it fucking choices have even vietnam im going one fattest people there part thinks ok maybe ill learn get it know im going get tired it think thats another thing feel tired already always feel tired something like comes up big choice make life jump straight well kill myself fucking daunting thats suicidal ideation pattern whenever get point im like i know do big picture go straight wanting kill myself like intellectually know theres people care all feel like takes succeed life feel like im doomed repeat failures spending years life absolutely nothing like past know im looking posting here wanted get words place might understand thanks