cant stop fantasizing coffee induced redflagsooo basically unmedicated bipolar person crashed life straight ground lost everything after two years trying build future career really liked im longer denial really wish gotten help earlier and past attempts getting help ignored suppose biggest problem physical real world barriers obstacles scary intimidating much im sort sitting back watching life float futon hurts back neck terribly think kill myself really want someone help talk day day think get away situation thats causing grief job thats least tolerable ive learned lesson see past thought problems external needed get someone good id happy no everything still darkness lingered tempting work harder try get somewhere stable reveal demon known mania medicated though appointment mental health team th mental health dates like beacons trying get one hopefully make another day morning wake reality situation nightmare slightly better demons face took physical form manifestation  biggest fear slow slow crawl homelessness loss items two incredibly loyal pets often mind wanders ending life im loss fix it try day something little bit better hard without sense direction applying job everyday cant fix end summer make reasonable progress probably end life want pick method one else blamed as jump front car train one think reasonably know im even reaching out think find help anywhere im trying prove wrong