suicidal ideation ever go awayi objectively good life one thing significantly hard husband tens thousands debt largely due medical issues had subsequently always stressed never save income goes tube debt still deal invisible disability chronic pain medical procedures beyond that made husband wonderful person toddler love whole healthy delightful achieved career dream getting paid art form try give back society working sick children part time outsider would think great life however teen attempted redflag stomach pumped next  years though ive never made another attempt ive continued suffer intense suicidal thoughts somewhat dependent external circumstances high school incident swore mother would never again every time ive gotten close anything ive remembered promise look pain precious child would destroyed without me yet much sends state panic sorrow continue suffer trauma rape decade ago past many ways sexual assault news sometimes feel like im girl again room im getting help therapist low dosage anti depressants years everything causes anxiety even things good example objectively least mediumlevel attractive yet obsess ugly feel reality damned hate stomach cant let go achieved career dream yet get states panic writing next book deadline cant it moment lose temper daughter think oh well ill angry fucked mom like mine daughter would better without me im trying say is matter good it self hatred intense desire disappear earth consumes sometimes ways harken back  year old oded ambien champagne years therapy antidepressants good life still struggle much anxiety many moments want die ever get better broken person dont feel anyone talk say look good life is theyre right why tonight think wanted jump window dont understand myself really dont