ending life end never ending pain problemswhats point surviving one bothers existence  people say live yourselfit gets better time doesnt ive literally one call ownno friendsno relativesno relationship parents hate ready get rid anyhowjust consider burden single person age nothing more growing dysfunctional toxic family lead many trust commitment issuesscared attachment want get married relationship want someone neither het anyone wholl bear mood swingsmy depressionmy complete lack emotional control keep pushing people away scared theyll hurt leave megot rejection abandonment issues several times find searching  sure ways ending life what survive everyone hate more everyone hates without reasonno one understands memy socalled family friends ashamed people call psycho attention seekerbut survive somehow physically challenged itll less nightmare like anyone bothered diei friend whos always remembered need something never called outingwhos always left behind walking conversation childhood experience hatredbitterness getting beaten home along getting bullied school college severely damaged mental health hate talking anyone scared theyll use me scared relationship one tolerate hot cold behavior plus people days want physical needs scared get leftover sanity heart brokenmy sibling hates mejust wants push house prove loser wrong one front parents beaten much childhood still care beautiful onemy relatives cousins hate usseen fathersibling heard grandfather cheating spouse hate marriage relationships more childhood two house staffs used molest me  years oldone cousin lesssometimes feel may somehow responsible it hate people touch me school used badly bullied humiliated never anyone help understand even bit mother sometimes getting manic tried kill me sometimes crave affection push people away im fucking scared one ever hugged mei want hug someone see feels never played teddy bears childhoodjust want get one myself never anything person age does always tried good girl trying appease parents always helping others even hurt me thought ill anyonenever intentionally hurted anyonenever demanded anything myselfalways listen others want moneyriches anythingjust small happy family protective sibling selfish one leave sister front wolves fend herselfwant caring partner wholl understandlove care respect mewith respect comes loyaltysome love never got life even everything till love parents codependencyobsessive helicopter parenting ruined badlythey aged know survive alone big bad world cant marry want want liability anyone want live independently terms think thats good true  years struggling im tiredguess problems never ending im high manic mode sharing much publicly regret im normalguess ending end problemssorry long rant