i feel a if life is winning i simply dont want to be here anymore i cant tell if im loved by my parent because it certainly doesnt feel like it i feel like they just use me a a maid and thats just how ive been taught since i wa younger so there not and reason to think that im unable to every week feel the same monday friday is homework with study group and im struggling in class because i cant remember shit it not that i dont pay attention in class it that i am mentally unable to rememebr shit i know back in high school i never had the problem then two year of covid hit and now im aa dumb a rock in a engineering major ive wanted to switch so many time every semester but each time someone talk me out of it ive told my parent twoce already but they insist that i finish school before trying to learn other thing i cant tell if my girlfriend love me anymore after the argument we had a week or two ago about me playing clash of clan and not giving her attention even though i feel like im doing everything i can to give her attention i cant sleep anymore and i just find myself staying up late and repeating the cycle it not like im not trying to better myself either i go to the gym with my friend at school and ive been doing it for week now i just thought it would help me get into the right mindset and help me focus more on school and maybe bring me out of this year depressive episode ive been in since covid started but nothing ive done work now im afraid that i have been pushing my gf and my close friend away and i just want to end it all i just want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic where i will have no chance of recovering i just want to go so badly but i cant im trapped not by others but by myself cry doesnt make me le of a man right