day goes break tears point  worst lost job aunt stepfather anxiously awaiting results chest xray nerves shot redflaged struggling pay bills keep car road still trying figure going afford new tires need missing payment credit card living  away maxed last months starting think everything would better lung cancer gone stop worrying money happiness burden familymy wife talked going on kept lot her sees crying best ignore me sure resents useless waste space gone able find someone actually happy with guilt freei just know guess needed say it expecting advice help wanted get ramblings head feels like alone