think killed im waiting one three things happen   something makes care life again  alcohol shuts organs  feel brave enough buy gunas title says im waiting one three outcomes way ive able justify im even still  able end now ive hesitation im waiting long bear see something make care life again time running short part feel it ill address thing im waiting  something makes care life im antidepressants im seeing therapist psychiatrist called redflag hotline nights hard time getting through ive told close friends condition including suicidal thoughts theyre aware serious concerned as much  problems  single mother stressful job moving  starting new life getting married etc ive reached much far know im just waiting something click something make emotionless robot like to feel alive  alcohol shuts organs depression alcohols best friend obviously ive indulged continue drink heavily see point stopping alcohol wakes gives energy things like laundry dishes night otherwise stare wall sober brick fantasize redflag chores need willpower do numbs pain selfmedication quickly stops feeling lethargic useful tool get night course severely toxic destroying body quickly depression makes care currently  feel brave enough buy gun im picky choice redflag method im allergic pain knives out im afraid overdosing pills case wrong end coma something understand chemistry im afraid jumping roof since might land wrong survive pretty much gun option one might expect point know much buying guns part want learn last shred survival instinct thats keeping alive want wander road live america im risk usual decide go store try yeah waiting periods background checks im confident id fail those  basically im waiting im living whats left life going work obligation paying bills im really robot robot desire shut down must wait command master master conflicted stay way forever im sure im looking post just stating feel