want go badbut cant leave boyfriend cats experienced lot trauma childhood still affects day dad also killed toddler mom everyone raised shunning decided want jehovahs witness anymore lost people once chronic mental physical illnesses im pain physically mentally every day able get keep job since cleaning job several years lost moved away different city im relying people live im extremely underweight hard get eat unless im medicated even enjoy meals trying choke past anxious knot throat hate body look like skeleton teeth poor condition problems neglect im joke peers feels like people around see loser look me im  accomplishments feel proud of want source love light people around weight heavy im selfish place feel guilty that think ending lot afraid survive face people disappointed me survive partner know much kind loss hurts feel trapped