happy fulfilled life want gonedisappear dear folks life carry us many directions yet battling specific issues namely  year old female living abroad expat eastern europe undergone many challenging situations child sexual physical verbal abuse majority life aimlessly trying drown anger frustrations different ways relationships alcohol gaming changing country around mid s started picking pieces forming healthy individual ive read self help books visited therapy weekly basis year last years done always wanted fulfilled life goals ie got stable job nice flat renting still sustainable lifestyle good friends fulfilling hobbies ive learned piano practiced drawing visited every concert every band wanted which big deal me even sex interested lucky enough travel vast majority places wanted see everything up me say achieved one big wishes since early s healthy relationship become mother huge struggles sustain sort relationship ended alarming behaviour and course responsible nastiness wellbut never disrespected partners always tried hard perserve it therefore  relationship life lasting least year ended either unwillingness move together extreme jealousy cheatingyou name it eventually made peace fact simply cut it done everything within power including long periods only looking anything actively getting younger plus according gynecologist would difficult get pregnant anyway want disappointment therefore rather volunteered local shelter helped people making lives better free time am left real responsibility bound absolutely nothing one fulfilling could would ideally take months finalize certain things ie make cookbook recipes others use describe life lessons wanted go someplace nice peacefully pass away started planning details actually mind you feel depressed sad hopeless per se feel like somehow done imaginethe feeling long day work managing everything know going shopping taking care animals family planning holidays etc tired go sleep think yourself sureit would nice bubble bath sauna bed would awesome go outside bedroom balcony cigarette expensive champaigne relax water bed kinda wanted try hey everything done took time needs nothing one left behind feel good myself feel now goes future know everyone says meet partner later life on simply think late me also pandemics simply even chance meet someone tomorrow would take time getting know other investing common real estate getting pregnant pregnant best case scenario first kid  let alone second kid potentially more assuming able get pregnant first place addition could go wrong  children marriage etc therefore even stars would perfectly aligned regard rather made painful decision give idea it get wrong never put entire happiness idea family despite fact elderly grandma living h away family ever have apart that prefectly fine grateful everything everyone have seems ticket checkpoints ready wrap up question would be ideas seem little unconventional me quite months increasing  normal train thoughts phase seek help sadly offer english speaking therapists live limited nonexistent thank advance hope make sense