many mistakes im able continue like this one solution left warningwall textnot best englishwarningwall textnot best english sorry starts way back early days  left home country come us found alien world greatest time life leaving got gone nothing liked one knew went school landed esl almost clueless english stuck people spoke language knew good people soon choice associate slowly drinking lot turned one them stupid kids full hate one them years went taken middle nowhere bullshit gun pointed back head two thought friends knew time leave everything behind soon got got really depressed got somewhat better got involved people school leave behind depression kicked much force before help parents split around time cold dark place years contact anyone except family somehow survived time got little better slowly built courage try meet new people things seemed get better like first people meet here new people greatest either downhill path started wanting alone dark cold place chose stick time went started drugs felt like helping cope reality drugs got far habits kicked hard drugs along people them getting depression third time time little easier cope occasional smoking cannabis fall depression deep two previous times probably thanks smoking little experience depression point lost everything twice lost everyone knew twice experience gained completely sever ties people knew end spending time alone time time hanging  smoking cannabis  people last pack went time things seemed get better got really close brother time since smoked part enjoyed things years initial  people kept contact meet new people everything seemed going well realized brother drugs tried talking tried many different ways make stop cause knew things much numb mind close eyes reality one family knew really tried many different things thought could make stop nothing worked slowly started drift away cause lying drug use still thought best friend things same started hide habits lie lot knew spot signs things knew honest me slowed point pay much attention time went by one day browsing reddit noticed post seemed like written brother redflag amaletter something right though details given  right almost sure cause writing style details giving match reality showed sister said probably him hoped right sleep night knowing might lose him hard hard time falling asleep time even slightest sound around house would wake thoughts unthinkable really bothered might false alarm like sister said slowly adjusted back normal started sleeping again time ago meet girl online started talking soon fell head heels retrospect way soon really enjoyed talking seemed enjoy talking me things went really great time probably best since time left home country found motivation things enjoyed life thanks lovely personality really happy first time long time happy find finally thought ill able enjoy share life someone kind sidelined friends family bit guess blinded love one thing learned years things life always turn shit point noticed brother abusing drugs decided something done gotta done now explain close brother tough time knew needs help time sidelined something issues little nothing honest worked first time noticed drugs tried get brother stop taking pills soon found im powerless cant like able first time paying attention fact explain whats going hurt feelings girl made happy lost trust me briefly stopped talking drifted apart other want decided since able anything brother ill let fuck ever wants since hes older responsible tried talking things same hurt feelings trust interested much even honest really hurt feelings since intend cause pain anyone thats unfortunately did depression sets time harder deeper ever before would spend time bed moving anything except looking ceiling would spend  hours like days decided im going let depression eat away started self improving myself quit smoking cannabis drinking soon stopped smoking cigarettes smoked cigarettes close  years enough power left kick habit likely one hardest things ever accomplished life left feeling achieving something positive thought able maybe ill able something else thats probably hard earn trust girl happy find something thats beyond control unfortunately going give chance redemption lost everything made happier long long time found hatred brother hate let things go way general despair future think continue living way every time find strength get fall harder lower getting really hard find motivation continue senseless existence see one solution way this aware cowardly thing piece peace stay me place cant fall anymore thoughts hurting people seem place head now want thats sure flash thoughts race mind find hard control days go by top cant afford therapy medication since moment uninsured underemployed family getting strangled debt although want admit it going ask help either stood stool belt around neck twice already think go way already found peaceful way go im still fighting this trying fight giving long getting really hard part fucked much messed life lately messing lifes people things said something never spoke anyone left lot mistakes ive made life since want identified stopped decide time go anyone reads this thank you