therapy treatment selfharm depression violent tendencies suicidal urges tried affirmations new routines pursuit interests making friendstherapy put debt years longer attended months positive affirmation practice made hate positive phrases platitudes perceived difference various routines still live every day either verge panic attack drowning distractions like movies books spent twelve years pursuing various interests revealed much fucking talentless idiot am friends good people invite events treat like one them interacting feels like waste time every time think realize much asshole really ami used love job prided work ethic else really loved jocko willink line navy seals cleaning toilets years greeted coworkers smile compliment worked longer hours anyone else high speed high redflag environment dealt toxic people sunshine rainbows free time would write everything pursued writing brought meaningi tired cannot remember cared much before thought would already darkest time life gotten away petty family panic attacks stop cannot sleep unless stay active point total exhaustion spend minute eyes closed see every way failed everything do ruined every relationship ever had everything ever gone wrong life clearly obviously faulti see way gets better here old someone take pity on gotten even far life attractive intelligent wealthy even financially stable writing one practice delayed committing suicide years ago often leaves feeling worse ever desperately seek state flow freeze start chewing fingersi amused feel state flow writing this sifting memories time would leave cringing nervous wreck  months since last felt it cannot wait long againi cannot let anyone again wish someone would angry screwing up would fucking matter anyway mature enough accept criticismi want put bullshit anymore want stop