need venthi dont really know start begin ill say need simple can im suicidal no havent cut hurt myself havent stood edge building wishing could muster courage leap off havent put gun head wishing could pull trigger ive severely depressed years since young dont know why maybe im obese maybe social anxiety maybe im sort joke whatever higher power is loving family friends care me got whatever wanted since young always close mom dad always wanted writer creator tv show cartoon something would able show different kinds characters good despite skin color sexual identity was thought thousands ideas story never skilled enough write like professional find even pitch suxh show even animate often feel like wasted potential wanted great couldnt anything make right friends weight began feel lonely time sure friends spend time me cant help feel disconnected like theyre bothered me waste time dont feel like im one deserves millions others never got chance born recently mom died one closest to dad cancer im fearful come back refuses stop smoking matter much try beg quit stopped long cant deal parents gone  brother one seemed everything work right highschool always wants attempt get job learn drive stuff im lazy ill honest put year highschool learning drive roads crippling fear getting wreck hurting someone else getting fined something wrong scary im sure getting job wouldnt bad im afriad couldnt asked since overweight would get fired reprimanded it im afraid means im losing free time ill never able play games stuff love anymore piling once driving stress job stress weight dad potentially sick loneliness dont know do sleep lay bed motivation left want fall asleep dream forever dont deserve life im using it stop existing