daily thoughts redflageveryday redflag seems like best option end pain years therapy helped understand hurt resolved pain im  years old job pays well  years almost one month sober suffer ptsd adhd depressive disorder behavioral addictions constantly need approval others order maintain self esteem battle internal fits rage triggered mistakes made work fabricated memories neglectful spiteful mother distant older brother meaningful friendships life ive never meaningful relationship woman almost every sexual encounter rare onestand usually paid escort habit expensive sexual outlet mainly masturbating porn and suffer erectile dysfunction physical nature assume years chronic masturbation damaged me way man age live id soon end life recently major surgery surgeon wrote prescriptions hydrocodonetylenol pain killer muscle relaxer barely used them  hydrocodone tablets dozen muscle relaxants daily thoughts taking once think would let sleep wake up