 years  im getting wearyive sort depression  years now remember first occurrences  recall instances id playing friends say you guys like me wish did never said like me never acted like ill damned feel like  im  bs good do friends parents proud wife adores me spent  minutes curled ball bed crying repeating i want die let die im tearing write this cried years age  first unofficial girlfriend broke god told getting close she later got pregnant wedlock cant explain that cut wrist first time really knowing doing turned common thing huge what for thing friends started hiding  upper arms sleeves thighs later year church group trip six flags way back bus spent time bathroom trying choke self piece rope bathroom long enough people knocking im pretty sure got people though drugs face eyes red church two services  second one included services kids teens supposed go teen one id usually walk mcdonalds go park listen patti smith would try break neck shower it looked easy movies eventually came idea ill tape plastic bags head handcuff bed cant stop it sister happened need something handcuffing thwarted plan even week later fight dad exclaimed this tried kill self seen cuts parents knew issues guess pushed edge night came room told taking hospital  minute drive cried pleaded entire way take me im tearing again checked remember one orderlys sp telling strip underwear could make sure drugs weapons not saw scars said doing show look like trying much harm day still bothers  obviously show walk around naked seriously reduced chance anyone would see week  made friends felt home felt safe secure though medicated received heart felt letters siblings friends doctor told ready go home told believed bipolar found medication regimen seemed work me enough time cant remember specific incidents life mentally same ive multiple horrible blowups relationships related jealousy stemming lack self esteem worst prompted first wife tell going leave unless went see psychiatrist as note ive seen multiple psychologists years id seem finewithlife days bad ones id still days id depressed moving even arm seemed like insurmountable task selfesteem feel absolutely worthless want die almost every waking minute almost reason feel way do people tell theyre proud me people respect people like around  even though ive sabotaged lot friendships years behaviour even though know medication may help hate idea medicated even wanted im self employed health insurance cant afford pay pocket psychiatrist drugs hate self hate face body think read slow think im dumb think suck anything try do almost everyone around better anything strive do cant compete anything even multiplayer games lose feel like utter failure wife today got high score orbital went feeling fine hearing going room and well led this  year old planning growing this moved parents house got good job significant id fine feel successful nothing changed outgrown  all months things seem fine think yes over better feel months things good harder crash soon thereafter  fearful ever hold pistol hand ill pull trigger ive even considered going shooting range done it words coming feel done post needed someone read someone listen im tired putting depressive weight wife fair her read even respond thanks reading