im tiredhi hideously rambling im sorry seem able form proper train here guess say roughly im  male selfemployed its hard hard surviving succeeding it hard say exactly whats wrong guess many things feel like ive fighting flags whole life everyone ive ever loved betrayed one point another friends parents woman loved anything whole adult life ive strong others best friend he betrayed too woman let back life maybe  years ago recognized genuine remorse fiance many people rely help always seem unlimited strength always willing help others essential nature  cannot help it strong helped weak instinctively years ago best friends life shambles sick broke lonely one seemed care except me helped it close redflag believe would done it weve always pair since met grade  lives unhappy best fought years back back truly awful shit kept happening us betray me remorseful  perhaps relationship work end think relationship woman work would never returned friend again parents betrayal really personal discuss love me again forgave actions sometimes people understand wrong maybe figured eventually maybe not still dad awesome long time know loves much is strange person seem understand emotional pain well would swear alien know fact produced human offspring wants help simply incapable understanding whats happening me cannot understanding im finally crumbling why met ex three years ago work friend first real relationship  women seem like reason think im unattractive something personality maybe know understand it love first sight bullshit wasnt real said felt too bipolar bipolar fact somehow broken attractive bizarre insane need protect around me felt good suffer bipolar fits rage depression felt like meant do felt strength meant doing although times frustrated mood swings sweet loving normal honestly time close loving lifelong depression vanished like never there past nightmares  problem got angry occasionally refused discuss past much  really understand life horrible ever want relive events guilt rage things past finally free them think ever factor though break up edit ill never depressed crazy see typo want fix it