rewards resistensehi reddit anon know postting reaaly perhaps chance hear speak perhaps open forum categorise thoughts perhaps because enough ten years ago gave life crossed lne despair depression keep beyond line fatigue member family suisidal knowledge still are speak it unable now supported years dropped school work finnancially keep afloat cooked cleaned managed lives drunk got depressed committed mental institution failed attempt still remember smell building glazed eyes patients medicated there woman began conversation saying kill husband haunting knowledge first heard phrase never say goodbye forever say see later lips three years supported person love them world weak stop drinking could take away vice else would worked depression grew stronger soldiered on eventually got much another failed attempt already taken pills got home always blamed dealing drunk supported ways never well enough argued tired empty nothing left give yelled them told would benefit giving it back down called bluff told them pure perfect opportunity exit moment ready ready given everything atlas struggle would finally fight resist anymore let reality wash consume me to day feeling surrender one best emotions remember ready backed agreed saw attitude done moment selflessness family member backed down sat night pills still system die years pass move on move on night lives memory head times wonder happened all would know not time kept pushing me struggle struggle came conquered them caring family member developed ability weather storms push through get through keep head down survive endure god struggle memory surrender haunts me family now friends people need me weather endure found best way cope life disassociate it take board longer know handle compliments years training suicidal dependant made terrified failure live every expectation make things worse cause episode need everything everyone make life struggle keep heaping challenges taking responsibility breaking myself never feel satisfaction thats worst part even feel relief anymore ive accomplished something press on become life add more feel pressure never release never pride failure im tired know ask help cannot expect anyone understand try hard explain words come right you feel pride take credit speak take rug away you much you know happens push yourself feel worthless happens disassociate stop thinking myself stop applying self anything way one bother me one make feel worse trying rescue me feel sad really feel happy go flow think others feel time live make happy least presence worthwhile fake it fake remember honest people try get kneejerk push away keep trying push past that offer content without emotion cannot apply story pleas sit rotting back brain one dragged void one watch dead inside one offer pity shame locked like was