cba move forward life chance get better digs deeperincoming massive wall text originally going post response question someone posed rdepression using video games media escape reality depression answer turned little longwinded decided make thread maybe get little feedback started playing world warcraft tail end high school  severe depression  years escape critical daily life allowed forget everything weighed down spent exorbitant amount time game never bothered playing everyone ignored anyway sought treatment depression request mother help went nowhere fast forward   still played wow recently finally lost interest game really drive anything anymore except one friends wants hang out really feel nothing life dont attribute feelings toward use media fact quite opposite games played growing helped escape feelings much way traumatized child may develop multiple personality protect ongoing abuse often think redflag even written letters leave behind event decide go it first suicidal thought  years old four years verbal mental time time physical abuse literally everyone around me neighbors house one night saw owned gun seeing movies spending time uncle owns lot weapons knew least halfinformed knowledge operate it moment saw it finally sank means nearby give quick death end it whatever reason never took upon try it though thought lot long time abuse started seven moved new town turned quite christianleaning community basically didnt go church youre devil need cast out family didnt go church all parents never experienced problem didnt socialize community anyway faced brunt unwelcoming committee alone singled everyone around me students teachers administrators counselorseverybody bottom rung tall ladder time school system town verbally mentally abused beaten humiliated two occasions stabbed careful enough avoid going deep warrant hospital trip continued decade first went people help thats discovered school staff wasnt help me went parents problem shrugged thinking dramatic kids kids begged people stop leave alone one listened one cared friends turn grew alone hostile world soon learned emotional display even speech social interaction fuel fire stopped reacting anything didnt speak anyone didnt look anyone class got go anywhere made sure last one room remain sight recess sat away class nobody would pay attention long quiet didnt look up met girl late middle school became best friend everything seemed brighter around time grew love every fiber being but emotionally weak scared appear weak never said anything years went  attempt prevent displaying weakness actually succumbed let slip away october  fianc asked groomsman wedding event button fuck keep losing it made horrible grades way school attribute fact could think every day walked school getting hell again instead repeating senior year high school dropped got ged two years shit else belt decided join air force aspirations high signed seemed appropriate pararescue knowing physical punishment training would began fitness regime many would call excessive notable accomplishment life passing special forces physical aptitude test qualify program nearly year preliminary physical training shipped boot camp basic training easy enough half way sent rest sf trainees flight physical done repeat sf physical test part physical included pretty detailed eye exam which given vision test done unable complete right eye drifted out soon came double vision automatic disqualifier armed services classified erroneous enlistment promptly pulled training placed administrative hold medical hold transferred th trs the place send injured trainees draw discharge paperwork month later sent home again back place wanted desperately escape from house go to money get place own job support myself wound moving back parents point sank deepest level depression experienced date struggled get bed slept excessively skipped meals sometimes them one month rarely left room anything use bathroom stopped caring physical condition hygiene talked one friends knew wanted see never answered phone kept off year half completely given life  found inspiration idea becoming medic fire department went back school get emt certification repeat half program failed cardiacrespiratory section i passed b second time made bs everything else program upon graduation  applied fire department county surrounding counties  miles got replies around time state experienced ems budget cuts instead hiring new emtsfiremen instead laid turned away back square one really feel anything anymore emotionally given news everything death family member old friend high school turned job even dog put worsening ailments held arms hugged give injection really know anymore even really care im going back school spring think habit desire move forward still seriously contemplate redflag fairly often means making quiet relatively painless thing id left plan little impact anyone else possible is little ever told anyone didnt legal obligation keep mouth shut sadly doesnt feel liberating hoped