ever since little kid grew thinking inferior culture raised colorist restrictive fact skin tone darker side made subject kinds insecurity indirectly programmed believe enough unattractive family emigrated grew country minority made even worse already expected people treat like shit would speak people almost certain would want nothing me look mirror somebody takes picture me entire moodday ruined feel sick disgusted core society incredibly hard wired evaluate worth person way look guess makes nobody boundless unconditional self hatred could hate entity universe despise myself self hatred continues perpetuate itself everywhere go see beautiful perfect faces every time check phone every time turn tv every time go walk outside feel disgusting hideous compared everybody else unable see way feel undeserving love affection friendship deserve nothing see pretty girl think pretty is disgusted would know guy like found attractive isolate friends family sometimes ask friends even want speak me want attractive want feel confident want loved want family raise children successful want somebody else somebody me want happy never be self esteem destroying life rant