summary lifei currently  years old ive suicidal since third grade mainly parents forcing unthinkable expectations made feel like worthless nobody th grade live died quite literally great grandmother died since sister  years young  years younger mom issues dad left apartment cheated got drunk multiple times fucking lost attacked her able quickly subdue since  afterwards told replaceable nobody wished abortion among many things night went grabbed handgun upholstered it pointed head pulled trigger didnt one chamber gunshot knew chamber properly so put back cried sleep went see counselor told parents everything never felt betrayed fast forward towards summer had forced watch two sisters mom started dating another guy favoured me clear favoritism faggot  pounds bigger always wrestled knocked out one day enough fucking kicked hard head concussion didnt stop however axe kicked ribs face bloodying over mom showed care him even knocked times even day  year old sister called mommy thats one thing her  year old sister hates me dad abusive mentally im cutter cut self once took box cutter made sure break piece off cut wrists only however still want high gives you never got drunk gotten high anything besides sex feel empty inside every climax fills even little bit people think im throwing life away mainly used honors  high school credits whilst im th grade cant go much longer im thinking ending tomorrow easy access weapons shotgun mom painter payback thinking shotgunning back head favorite paintings brings question would situation