im probably going kill myself months ago fiance  years overjoyed find pregnant told everyone right away weeks later got argument wedding plans threatened get abortion begged to week went snow trip work friends came back told wanted get abortion told got abortion calling wedding would never see again got pregnant intentionally hormones going crazy felt jerked around left night come back week went crazy got hit hard hormones got upset one night punched face hard could several times hungry would reduce tears one thing place sent rage even told one woman pulled close car would rip limb limb violent person im even mean person ive worked customer service entire adult life people would general call really friendly warm person knew pregnancy hormones help it boobs hurting gained lbs crying time fiance asshole meanwhile gotten horrible job hated commuting  hours get to get healthcare another  months applied dshs denied  poverty line found pregnant shitty fiance shitty job healthcare then seemed like stroke luck time got fired practically danced door knowing qualified prenatal care thought apparently working long enough get unemployment prenatal care job fiance healthcare own finally decided pony money ultrasound determined baby fine  shockingly calm voice  said wed like talk termination shocked thought sure saw baby would change mind said that sort choked know do felt cornered hopeless even job healthcare would own took pills loneliest feeling world told hed stay go work left me bad reaction pills nearly died alone shower ill never forget cold felt awful giant clots blood matter falling me hot water hitting would turn cold got drain body temperature low walk able alert neighbor using nearby broom bang ceiling drove er spent  days hospital going home sans baby sans boyfriend sans job sans dignity supposed tell everyone o nevermind know whole were getting married baby well no were not bring it lied told everyone miscarriage still together decided table getting married but explain weve broken up would people break miscarriage meanwhile income help hormones flux think spent first week drunk bed literally leave bed days time even moved liqour bedroom go kitchen finally one night felt good enough go went local bar friend everyone shocked see drinking tell everyone lost it got drunk night went home drank whole bottle wine bottle vicodin bottle benedryl bottle nyquil sometime next night realized back hospital neighbor drove er cd gotten stuck playing came check me got home saw apartment covered vomit blood nyquil  literally smeared walls weak clean spent another two weeks bed mother got ticket visit san francisco pretty okay time there really made point trying make nice me mother done pretty shitty things past really saint ways spared expense got massages went pony rides even signed musical therapy class there went bars restaurants parties drank smoked pot went dancing felt lot better got home took week got home little things like cleaning apartment trying make little attempts getting life back tried go dshs get assistance told qualify counseling wanted tell want die think redflag time really going it want take ride ambulance agreed went home got home sat stared matting razors hour pounding beer beer crying miss baby wanted want killed hands feel like monster hate want die want die no really want die seriously cant stand living knowing happened want kill myself mother says severe post partum depression im sure right hormones hit hard but think ive always way never good enough excuse really til now teenager used cut long used self mutilate ways think deep always hated life always hated myself hated child sense helplessness ignorance shame came it hated teenager like child aware shitty everything theres still nothing it ive liked adult part least since  but im turning  year lost fiance since  baby job ambition hope dreams life is over mean say life known it life ive ever wanted gone forever theres getting back always shrouded decaying memory this believe afterlife im going get see baby again believe im going go other side want go dirt never come back hate breathing hate eating hate wiping ass hate knowing me cant bring even look work even want job want die think time dominates everything do already tried oding work im afraid cutting wrists messy im afraid wont work whoever finds find huge gruesome pool blood think im going drive ocean jump cliffs want make sure theres remains time end coming back another apartment full blood vomit nyquil theres nothing left here theres reason pretending like everything going okay turn around tomorrow im going find good job one everyone keeps telling ill pregnant time know know were broken up disaster im disaster failed first attempt havent tried yet days think wont mean think lot think id actually every get screw loose think may it may depends much drink may drink enough ill get courage done 