sorry if this is kinda confusing and messed up i have a hard time putting my thought into word i f would sometimes get suicidal thought whenever i wa going through a bad panic attack but after i calmed down those thought would just disappear and i wa always sure that i would never do that stuff because i knew i only thought that a a quick escape from all the emotional pain and anxiety i wa going through but today those thought wouldn t get out of my head and i d find myself zoning out and planning on how to do it i wasn t even panicking about anything more like just feeling empty and depressed about my current and future life i ve been fighting everyday to feel some genuine happiness in myself and love for others so i can stop putting on this fake smile so everyone doesn t worry about me i miss it so fucking much and lately i ve been getting spark of those feeling again but they quickly dwindle away but now with these thought creeping in i feel like this battle that i ve been fighting for so long is pointless i don t even see a future for myself the people that i love in this life are slowly being consumed with negativity and become more and more toxic to me everyday and i ve noticed myself gaining that same negativity towards others and life and while i know that they re probably going through some stuff and i have sympathy for them it draining me and i can t be around them any longer since they clearly don t want change life been getting hard for me and it sucking the light out of me i don t know what to do about these thought but they won t get out of my fucking head and i m scared they ll get even worse please help me