 endi particularly rough last couple years want call quits mother live absolute monster even earliest memories dad much worse although work favor separated year old child always craved companionship desperately want feel alone didnt make first friend  ended moving year two later back square one fast forward couple years middle school bullied entire time throughout entire school career sexually assaulted th grade shoved rug per usual middle school began dating constant string abusive people today even raped cheated beat ex  today since december  relationship someone emotionally abusive find especially hard leave emotionally abusive relationships since something physical tend rationalize it thinking head deserve this certainly everyone else point thought so get gaslighted daily accused cheating why would cheat someone ive cheated past berated called names punished dont reply quick enough time frame usually  minutes punished able see blatant emotionalmental abuse pretty much everything besides physical abuse make feel completely insane college career stressing point constant knot stomach chest top anxiety afraid boyfriend well living toxic environment mom utterly completely miserable done research best methods committing redflag household cleaners hanging jumping height drowning buying handgun gun show ive thought many options guess im confessing get without people life knowing boyfriend monster last couple days im terrified them mother always drilling school im pain  surgery supposed make feel better almost  years ago friends isolated harshly end me  years  months cant handle pain anymore ive made decision