life get betterhey again five years now ive considering redflag  actually attempt drown myself brother whos lifeguard saved me twice want die one either switched schools suicidal feelings subdued exgirlfriend brutally rejected christmasnew year holidays try kill methods either failed someone stopped me ultimately worsened sophomore year opened friends expressed concern discouraged hit new low guidance counselor called class talked me imagine cried day mothers birthday sisters graduation ceremony tell family month afterward directly told them respond well made promise never talk think redflag again went months still going on math class teacher made joke q man fall manhole a committing sewercide went serious discussion redflag imagine everyone stared me classmates even believe im suicidal happygolucky facade wear everyday school take home fact year keep of time single school day goes without thinking climbing headfirst window skipping staircase jumping straight lower floor strangling headphones jabbing pens sides throat always question value existence family says im comic relief family without me would existential crises tell me today went floor got trouble boss made mistake lied cover up saw even called mom school come home tonight first news mom tells im fired why fought boss considering im junior year school level changes academic university preparation that big jump course school feels like hell better novel im studying english mosthated book time nineteen eightyfuckingfour flatout refused study book demanded transfer pleas good worst all parents threaten tell psychiatrist suicidal threats subject sorts torture them deserve shit give me grandparents take better recently told shut down promised id kill graduating high school now patience god help me