really hope help hereat first want say im suicidal right now though  years off dont know right subreddit post hope guys help out heres problem  years ago back school met girl fell love moment met started affair able tell one felt fear feelings may returned year sex first time us somehow lost ended talking  years time started relationship friend mine got pretty heavy depression got suicidal unrelated went medication even made depression worse leaving body mind shattered anyhow less recovered life went on girl went united states year came back she still friend mine long talk made up unfortunately feelings got really strong started kind affair not physically beginning tried end unable go it ended us sex again time started suffer pretty heavy anorexia mental issues told boyfriend stayed together stopped talking again pretty much hit rock bottom getting depressed suicidal again time started drinking daily basis drugs started relationship girl school trying get something stabilize emotionally kind completely blacked everything related happened  years able face emotions relating happened broke girl tried cope emotions result started drinking drugs even least facing emotions trying cope them year less back feet still drinking drugs though worse before realized wasnt able open another person able relationship really worked tried learn open emotionally really made progress too eventually recovered emotionally still suicidal time time able cope less months ago started contact girl realized still big part life still feelings her turned felt way meanwhile also broken boyfriend weeks ago met amazing talked long time found still love decided try relationship really love life her really happy moment relationship amazing anyhow huge fear happen doesnt work out feel would able go afraid would kill self broke up im afraid dont learn control fear sabotage destroy relationship feel without girl nothing live for know life without could go got know wonderful life be realize im kind emotionally depending kind emotionally depending nothing this gave hint feel fear tell everything put much pressure scare away really hope guys help out totally missed subreddit maybe tell go problem thank much reading advice and im sorry bad english hope could point situation though