fucked last time feel like fix lifenot sure wtf anymore even put forgive doesnt belong tldr  used play college sports cheated longterm long distance relationship never able stop  years even though wanted  ive caught cheating many times forgive want live anymore even though completely aware awful everyone know love basically crisis contemplating ending life past two weeks think it ridiculous stupid feel feeling way entirely doing find asking internally well didnt see happening now ex girlfriend  years finally given trying make relationship work spite issues infidelity understand cant process accept know caught cheating multiple occasions time feel like managed grow move never really addressed issues associated problems relationship despite insistence knew something wrong me talking trying find way move past always resulted blaming collection small anecdotal incidents resulted resentment miscommunication always felt like tried take burden responsibility ever fault look mirror see someone longer wish changes wish make seem impossible point ive ruined whatever good feel left world imagine looks lense worse considering finally hit threshold tells never girlfriend trust again know circumstances unreasonable selfish fuck even considering killing myself know responsible misery position in accept things accept actions left impressions feelings cannot fix immediate foreseeable future know follow through probably killing mother older widow looks world also know people still feel attachment world care spite ive done would crushed take life addict ive addictive personality whole life ive known enough habits family history life though managed mostly avoid addictions deemed harmful like hard drugs gambling ive actively told dislike without ever really letting open experience trying long time addicted alcohol kept manageable obsessed football playing career ended find temporary addictions hobbies pick week two immense passion forget lose interest weeks later biggest addiction wish would kept better check involves sexual addiction even prepuberty feel like aware watching porn via internet albeit poor dialup connection home short time parents work computers girlfriend  started dating sex year dating definitely rushed ready maybe first year seemed like genuine hesitance keep sex hard us arrange feasible location comfortable accommodating addicted willing sex anywhere asked suggested constantly legitimately took high school classes together would give handjob desk almost every day still wanted more one point suggested wanted sex much find another girl knew wasnt suggestion much active choice someone else lead path using internet explore sexual fantasies first chat rooms message boards progressing time actually texting video chatting women time freshman college freshman year started increase frequency lived another state thought would secret sidefantasy could play enjoy without hurting feelings eventually lead actually meeting girl aware relationship urges wanted sex without attachments piecesofshit like do gave selfishness without really considering girlfriend besides wrongly justifying sexual experiences burden her thing considered possibly giving std wish could say rooted intent live safe healthy lifestyle much feared caught requested see recent test results girl wore condom sexual relationship happened  times felt tremendous amount guilt experience left addicted browsing craigslist various dating sites nsa hookups ultimately hooked two girls year girlfriend moved went school year later thought could let things go resume normal relationship put aside infidelity eventually found girls freshman year fact randomly met made friends first girl finding happened eventually worked things insisted purely sexual past since cycle developed periodically almost every year two would find slipping back old ways either cheating getting caught textingemailing women honest dont know many different times situations think it wish would addressed it time see tried redistribute shame blame things weshe could control want end life stop thinking mistakes made recent failure lifes attempts maintain faithful sexual relationship result schedules growing depression felt since car accident november left questioning life value convinced would somehow healthier find discrete fuckbuddy instead address lack sex affection life person actually loved because coward know am feared rejection judgement felt like would disinterested things wanted try even find repulsive it long story short  weeks ago found texts even photos broken whatever previous forgiveness mustered get it logically get cannot even imagine possible future me cant get head actually wrap around reality least reality want part more cant ask take back again mean have isnt gonna happen know it asked least plan potentially move forward since live together seems like accept friend cannot even put idea getting back together realm possibility get that hurts past two weeks still attended two weddings planning go went together maintaining appearance friends family things okay impression total lie felt like trying make situation work could eventually try work without making publicly known issues bringing directly see saw differently thought strong feelings felt still enjoying others company probably mutual coping going maybe hardest week work life responsibilities requests pressure compiling seemingly insurmountable life obstacle almost support system im starting care really dont know want role im company at wanted job maintain life sanity things feel gone looking left life moving forward see nothing disappointment missed opportunities reaching friends even family able articulate dangerous finite mindset sure proceed here smart enough know need help strong enough admit others know need it help expect deserve want it want another chance think deserve even life have