really know im posting hereits throwaway account really struggling know theory things dosay right care totally alone recently friend tell loved cut out top ongoing problems anyone turn to one talk nothing with vivid memories previous trauma im waiting able see psych thats  weeks away steady downhill months know feelings wholly mine feel like giving truely care anything anymore im sick cycle numbness intense feelings im sick feelings abandoned used tossed aside quit studies taken leave work feel guilty many work now part wants leave everything behind know left would easy excuse cover intent want wake anymore mostly want continue occasionally activly want finish it im self destructive best times much once sick going one fight next remember last time happy longer distraction lasted severely neglecting physical health lately drink alcohol essentially living coffee havent slept   hours months even coffee part hoping something health wise give soon decision hands easier around me