lost job morningsorry advance lack cohesion streamofconsciousness way writing down fired job customer service morning alltime low stand waiting rude people call sitting front computer  hours day depressing terribly past year only working cs year maybe part paranoia felt like treated like lowest position company saas type company  employees frankly embarrassed it hated every day although im dumb enough ever quit decently paying job im ostensibly largely inconsistent work due internal struggle  year old hated ever keep charade long full disclosure ive suicidal ideation approximately  years survived attempt  professionals tell increasingly common repeat attempts occur wake attempt spite  ive beat odds graduated college landed pretty great job degree  screwed ended fired year half league not really unexpected thing postcollege pretty rigid defense mechanism ive past  years caught me propensity highly critical around me well myself  drop dime feel someone guess could say im pretty emotional little guy internally parents divorcing around  years contributed emotional state happened maybe  years ago much middle ended what consider be immature dishonest manipulative towards me end all moved state family outside pretty much zero partially fault embarrassment attempt too suffice say christmases throughout high school consisted sometimes one sister whom ran away age  current husband also note parents rich growing up could probably say silver spoon mouth life many extravagant vacations young pretty much college ive seen lot beautiful things easy lot life im even willing let go this life going get better mean drone much narcissism ive it ive lot great memories im able smile about ive fortunate enough fall head heels love date girl  years college least know ive truly lived ever want make mistake children depressive affinity do last  years volatile me think ill able another  assuredly fucked often think redflag know that ive survived  years feeling way  years introspectively daydreaming redflagas easy type fantasy realistic look world brevitymy brevity want advice ive done therapy opens pandoras box tried celexa year two years back turned hypermanic mess thing makes happy music sit piano improvise beautiful compositions cuff catharsis stave loneliness times sometimes ill play hour straight start crying midway much keep inside help though know may seem quite pathetic obvious terms answer guys get out still feel godawful moment better started someone please give words advice