heres thingive suicidal life first id get really depressed teen early adult would grab whatever bottle pills swallow them someone would find id end waking hospital day later then  years ago really depressed things dark deeply hurt wife left parents taking divorce attorney making things nothing daggers heart stood everything wasnt made breathe wake morning get bed etc devastated still trying nobody wanted listen so made decision end life read online ordered meds went state booked hotel couple nights took pills found  hours later helicopter ride couple ambulances  days later miraculously woke coma so last  years down get really down recovered month two time felt up last months very bad feel totally hopeless ordered sodium nitrite online thinking taking end life however last time serious attempt felt peace it actually happy peace day it time feels different cant reach sort peace felt feel like may making mistake it ive thought much would rather let family get with know