want selfishi came bit ago made account post im always finding buttoned lip im sorry that guess wanted say really wish could end all good family best wonderful father many friends always forget many people want lives wonderful boyfriend wed long distance relationship almost  years cant take distance anymore agreed open relationship found someone else makes happy felt could better ever could even though hes told thats case told break insisted taking break whats point still someone love nothing told things let together told still loves me honestly pushing away want live anymore believe something like everything like everything long time ago made center universe reason live hed saved emptiness sadness reason get every morning horrible thing do reasons world live basic minimum wage job useless degree whole lot nothing else going me reason im dead know horribly selfish thing amount pain would cause many people unbelievable yet cant stop thinking dying self harmed yesterday first time   years keep thinking too done tired want loved person held person touched person cant wait cant wait anymore feel im crazy even want blew job season anyway first counseling appointment th im suppose move place january february told even together still go im okay live now feel like id see together id lose everything would hurt far much probably would able selfish there know do time moves slow days lay awake either sobbing panic attacks eating away ill never find love want love want die sw tell die stop wanting die