feel like hands tiedi want get better really do suffering anxiety depression good old fashioned selfloathing decade various life insecurities get here im losing hope got really bad  got actively suicidalmaking plans stopping short actually them  left home life seemingly turned around shortlived long fell entire family that among things caused downward spiral depression bad worse one id clawed of im fucking now past this still feel like scared teenager im sick never achieving anything im sick feeling like shit im sick fucking hating feeling like good reason to im sick feeling like fucking alien time im sick knowing theres way fix fuckups im fucking sick all know whats hilarious im therapy therapy program strongly forbids suicidal people using it im afraid tell therapist im feeling suicidal want lose services get emergency services called me whats also fucking hilarious probably would committed mental institution suicidal tendencies months ago  cant afford it  even could risk missing much work losing job want get better really feels like odds stacked me sometimes really feel like life all feels like constant war mind truly want die cant keep living like this either