 sure exactly got honestly feel cursed god universe whatever forces work felt depressed  years now that child felt different weird isolated alienated  seeking real help someone university asked have ever considered killing yourself occurred normal major antidepressants hospitalized twice seen countless doctors therapists psychiatrists psychologists still place reached tms ketamine places gotten anywhere tinnitus taken number blows head throughout life never sure related depression supportive family even great wife feel terrible relying much financially emotionally able make progress main problem seems feel like part anything going on understand going on know supposed doing everything seems wrong see chaos confusion honestly trying best survive thrive keeps getting worse went college thought wanted filmmaker barely even enjoy films feels like every idea done knew could network assemble crew necessary things would do ever able make wedding videosand hire maybe  person decided stop that got job editing short promos tv shows gave portfolio one seems care about worked local government creating media getting fired voicing concerns noise office sensitive one hiring me go back driving done ever since able work used think driving made feel free could alone music podcasts thoughts want alone thoughts think killing day two years transported dead bodies super depressing work fedex hot noisy extremely strenuous every time someone tries help job prospect leads nowhere point even want accept help rejected many places seems would qualified for look jobs time look really bad pay much process takes much time rejected end want quit job spotty gig work fall back on feel like failure cannot contribute financiallyi feel gratitude things have tried journaling meditation yoga exercise plenty things people suggest do mind stays locked past mistakes cringey moments beat shit day everyday cannot stop compare others get jealous get angry cannot normal successful feels like getting dumber forgetful harder hearing need faculties working well possible seems getting older life gets sad embarrassing barely want leave house sensitive horrible things see situations might end ini know anymore scared getting older could possibly get even worse need help cannot seem get it everything reach everything seems impossible tumbled long time see way back