tried kill new yearsthis going long post advice comments really appreciated love already sorry advance messy post im writing past midnight im really flooding thoughts that fyi im  year old girl tried kill new years already really depressed day got ditched family friends ended alone kind absolute last spill could take ended overdosing shower floor one neighbours heard collapse carried hospital signed in faked name address whole identity i know illegal stop please knew fly days knew would keep time had ended climbing window running home feels unreal numbing kind feel like dont even remember properly im quite sure why strong feelings come whenever think day three years ago experienced excruciating months life one best friends killed she found months missing ice drowned another close friend died traffic accident cant really explain felt fucking fucked everyone pretty much broke apart everything knew town died freaking sucked really miss much swear ive never strong emotion desire towards anything love much still do sometimes feels like even remember look like anymore general past seems fake unreal afterlife hope theyre okay now  past years really developed depression anxiety self harm way much deal them point need apply fake skin which used halloween hands cover fucking shred marks now since then moved different country new school in everything significantly pressuring everyone know fucking fake prime purpose life getting stanford friends here asking anyone guess could seem like one people loads friends general highly liked place really like this fun friends guess know give shit me told past current diagnosis them really brushed off point month later tried talk again totally forgotten told them want talk always boyfriend problems soooo important fucking bullshit last may contacted one teachers asking ear first adult ive actually ever conversation like before every time ever try talk someone shitty ass past feelings cry like bitch throughout dayweek fucking humiliating back story really lovely empathetic teacher ever met ended kind telling typical rap him my past feel like moment except never told self harm ended inviting house get know wife since similar experiences instead talking disgusting feelings stuff talked everyday things music which amazing taste on really nice proper conversation someone normally since then hes acting different towards me every time sees sour face im kind time consuming freak problem is ive developed huge crush him fucking hate it every time see cant breathe panic get sad i frequent panic attacks every day reason anyway hurts much much ignores me go way take route school likely time know timetable think now ive become really suicidal point feel like human actually gives shit anything anyone end selfish motherfuckers go benefit whole world based getting money convincing everyone happy are really know part want advice on need feedback anything