it doesn t matter anymore i m going to copy and paste my note it really doesn t matter i know i m spilling my gut out oh who care now i m lonely i m a solider to my self pride status something i fail to achieve my whole life achieving to be a boy the one my parent are proud of the only reason i m not forgotten is because i m away from home do you think they remember me i m so fine with being lonesome i could live i no longer cry i no longer care i m not deep i m not feminine i no longer attract you i m not part of them or you or your life i m not even an outcast or part of the story all my life i thought of my self a the extra in this story but i realised i m not even that i m so lonesome and not noticeable i could disappear right in this northern line i carry everything in onto me try to care that i m awake but i remember everything what have i become maybe you could have it all maybe you are the one that make his memory you re unforgettable you are the one that s not me i ve been forgotten no presence of my own the place i have for myself have never been anything but death and so it s hard to imagine a life where there s life i m apologetic towards the emotion regarding me but i m not sorry that i m here somethings in my way it might be myself never have i been so ill and treated at the same time just been treated so badly in the past that even this single bit of kindness coming from you made me feel so sane that s all i got from you half as explanation came in my house and my mouth then you d leave to someone else s house some other girl post wrestling story line when i feel scared sad sorry about a story i feel le that about my self today wow look at what u did today look at how you feel look how easy it is to resolve conflict how easy it is to lie do that again i bet u what happened that you are in a bad mood are you reminded again that nobody care leading you to my story opening my chest up with information so little you barely understand i m here waiting what will it take for you to leave this time i m still right here puzzled i live in another house now in another country with a completely different routine and identity from my last one and the other one out in this city for year feel kind of funny i can t tell what s real and fake anymore did time really passed do i even have a family am i even here million people in london how do i always managed to find the most bat shit crazy one to befriend you only filling my free time with people way to stoned to remember all of u forgetting yesterday just like i wanted so lonely can i be yours fucking unmanageable why do i always get into this messy situation i can t bare to work here anymore i m fine but bitch who want me to fail will succeed unfortunately i want to die dead groom and corpse bride i can t write anymore no song describe the desperate feeling for thing to end again i kiss them the way i wish i wa kissing you who are you though third time cry at the tube this week i m tired i wanted to ask the world is it really a bad thing to die i wanted my work to speak for me speak for it self so i don t ever even have to talk i wanted to make every work my last piece of work becuz i could be gone anytime soon i wanted every piece to be the final piece the finale maybe this situation make me feel safe no attachment no regret i never had to say goodbye to anyone except maybe lily and grandma and grandpa and mom and dad and maybe my therapist if i die here in uk i only want lily to be at my funeral literally if anyone else dare to show up i would haunt the fuck out of them for the rest of eternity you were never here when i wa alive fucking bastard thanks to my grandparent i got that little piece of my childhood that i wa genuinely happy just that little bit of time in my life who would ve know that be the last time i ll ever be happy i ve only been happy once this illness is for life making peace that it might never get better thinking of bigger idea finalising my purpose stick to my self strengthening my sorrow smoking my thought away diving into these men story one by one from my perspective dying of thirst do you think they secretly categorises u year i m still the same out shining you probably at the bottom of my stash damnnnnn i got option i have a dream my ultimate weakness is being fearless how come yesterday i wa fine and today is another day of fucking it up yesterday wa a rebirth i ve lost him great the move on period that i m sadly familiar with probably the only thing i know how to do when i know exactly what to do my path is clear and i m brave fierce today we begin the process which probably started before i even knew it did subconsciously i never had him or wanted him in the first place they re right it triggered me badly i wanted to die now i want to live at least till i get to go home non of this matter at the end of the day i have to admit i don t care about the superficial stuff i care about the ugliness amp beauty we all are capable of the ugliness that we are capable of meeting by the pizza shop aa na that i ve never attended bill i never payed harmony that sound heavenly good standing by my self haunted by i feel unstoppable fucking fearless i am ready i want to hide in ur closet and cut open your wound i can t remember the last time i spent a proper holiday with family i don t really get sad anymore you get used to it and if you ve spent holiday with my family you ll be grateful to spend it alone and again me being me i rarely remember the good time i just know the bad maybe i get a little sad because even during covid people had the hope of seeing their family this year when i already know it s not going to happen i m not scared to have nothing and no one care if you have your last night on earth who do you rather spend it with i know it s not going to be any family member it s luck to tolerate more then half an hr with them ex s not really it s the people that i don t need to speak to the people that know me by just one look the people that really know i m just describing my self i d probably want to be alone for my last night on earth my stomach is always full nobody ever get killed everyone s fine life is pretty good cutting open my wound for show watching you from a far i just can t stop it s like i want to surgically remove you from my life just cutting till i get you to leave me alone i wa trying to find comfort in you now i realise i got that with everyone once you realise the concept of abuser come from being a victim and then everything make sense now all i know my whole life is to be the other woman just never the main one about to make myself sad again if he like me he take me home put me in a box it is so weird to cum to pain then why do we do it lol why do i do it enjoy now i m feeling really complicated about tattoo because now i feel addicted this kinda of experience lol had a massive break down don t know how to feel about anything let s just wait a few day i just didn t care what happens to me anymore it just feel like an out of body experience i m still alive but i feel dead feel like i m no longer here so basically i never had a relationship i reminded him of his ex he reminded me of both of my rapist someone put a spell on me i m in a secret place i m having so much fun with my head with my thought it s no longer delusion living inside my head i just built our living room and you re right there you you you you you him and him too stop stopppppppp being an artist is not hard stick that needle right through your heart what i feel the best about the blur is gone been bothering my entire life how miserable i am i couldn t live with the fact that i wa the only one but it finally made sense took me year to realise i wa even raped just a little girl to want to know you were raped took more then just time i just didn t know what wa ok because nobody ever asked or when they do i m not even sure i m not even sure what i wanted them to do to end this end me and this point on i m forever on my own in my head shhh they don t know i m going to leave i ve been so tired cry almost everyday it s not hard to face the past it s just difficult to imagine how long it s going to take for me to hide all this so someone would finally want me i need some help i never satisfied them at all why do some girl have everything i ever wanted in life he s like drug i can t get out this feeling i don t deserve i miss him and i hate myself i wan na leave him but i hate my self too much to leave even if it s fake i wanted someone to appreciate me for fuck sake it s so bad i just stopped caring about everything nothing matter to me anymore over flooded anxiety worry about the wrong thing think about bigger plan tho but i can t help but fuxking screammnmmm into the crowded bar god why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyuuyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ficking pound to go home r u serious trying to keep my love life alive i sat by the bar dodging your eye winking at you fucking in the bathroom how i wish i didn t look at you didn t share that look that moment i i wish i didn t drink running around town in the middle of the night my heart is on the edge being alone getting high on my own year later and everyone still left am i even breathing do you want me or not just tell me if u do he used to pick me up after school boarding school drive way i sneak back into my bed at am hurting because i had to leave cry because i m already hurt now he pick me up after work he said he ll see me again and i don t even know why spilling my gut out in this note app my own best friend hate me the girl that i pour my heart into she doesn t even know me i don t remember much about anything ever i m happy like that if i remember all my feeling it ll be hard to get by so dark blue i wonder why i hear picture i m gon na fly but i feel small i want him to tell me all his secret thing you don t tell anyone i ll take it off you let s me carry it for you on my shoulder very free i am the girl that thing happen to why would anyone want to see the wound that i carry i hate to lie but i probably will disappoint him exit is too late if i could just have a moment to breathe please can t take it much more then this i m taking my chance not much more love left in this either did you just wanted to have fun anyone can be my daddy today he s far far away away from me have i told anyone i don t want to be the main one it s fun behind the camera it s safe being the stalker i m comfortable stood low when i fall at least it won t even hurt liar liar i m going to keep it low this time i ll ease it in but if this time go i ll be okay too i m already broken so what if i get thrown to the ground again every men ha failed me greatly my girl and i we deserve the world i m gon na kiss her forehead in my dream i m going to hell just left his house and he s on his way to mine not sure which lie to tell because when i kill her in my dream you won t have a friend to cook with no one showed up why can t you be useful for once nothing scare me anymore he invited me to a millionaire mansion said we can do anything we want wild swim in a private lake i said i might drown drown and i want to die and i want to lie he know about me i am twenty but like chain i rust you throw me to the ground again pulling my hair my heart shattered to piece he had no idea the war i fought and finally fight i am a soldier far away from home with no one to call belongs to no one i miss their forehead kiss solid a a rock shell each ringed a bell but shamed me to hell you call you called he called a well i miss my self my old self me a a child i want her back i m going to have a kid a little girl that i m going to protect at all cost all my life i wanted to be her but who is she it s just who ever he actually want it doesn t make sense you know i won t satisfy don t have the luck going to suffer every way possible life turn into shit for my girl but they re laying under the sun she s having some fun i m picking up my ash on the floor so i smoke it again luxury fine dining cocktail every day her hair is silky when she get hurt people fight for her is it wrong i hope she get killed being bi sexual and a story teller mean i make up plot and chapter between whoever is making me jealous it s actually a really nice way to train my self from getting attached to anything at all adding story to people relationship give me a deeper understanding of in a way i no longer call my bad thought putting my self down if all my thought are bad they re no longer bad thought they re just thought first and foremost i m going to write about you and your girl this is my kind of fun i hope when i m not around she fulfil your void you can have both my body and her presence we look alike don t we i m in my own corner the voice in my head say you re alarmed people say it s impossible you d be into me i believe them why would you choose me of all people i just can t believe anyone would have anything to do with me someone who just isn t special enough to have anybody i might be a little emotional writing this missed my mood stabiliser again it s ok though you can lay your head in my tummy i bet it reminds you of hers i have found my calling i m everyone s girlfriend just ended thing with you contagious doing another test simply because i just don t trust you it is my problem i should let you go i know you re no good but you were at least nice and no one have been nice to me in a while feel calm to think about how i ll be safe and sound in my pain another story to shoot yeah it didn t make sense to me but now it doe love bombing didn t work on me even though i ve been alone for a long time thank god for putting me through shit early enough that i left early a well my bad for thinking you knew better i felt like a piece of shit again again i don t give a fuck about any of you anyways but why i never know what am of you want or need i don t understand i might be on the spectrum you know i never communicated flaw are just so deep it s like haunting through sleep am i the one stopping her happiness i never analysed why i did all those thing during elementary school that my mom had to literally befriend my teacher to make sure i m took care of i wa that troubled 9 i think of all these intruder that entered my body without my wish kelly moore s dad a white kindergarten teacher in a majority chinese school felix another white men that raped me unconsciously in the club naz in which i still not entirely sure how i got lured into i look back at my self i sometimes wondered what went wrong how i wa made the best and then the worst why did i always had a bad time why i don t remember anything why and why and why did all this happened to me i think i just had an over amount of change that now i need a giant break but i don t know how to relax i love you but who i need to love someone why do i do that when i don t know who you are i m so stressed out i can only move on being rough wa all i know just people forcing themselves onto me all the time maybe why i thought zaineb wa so special and i m not ready to have that again even thought iain count a my first love i think zaineb wa when i completely trusted someone i just feel wrong and not accepted i guess i had another thought all those time they ve touched me just touching me everyone not just at the club it be when i wa getting take out shopping at the super market i never said anything why didn t i every time i look in the mirror i see myself disappearing into a bubble i wish i wa brand new i wish i wa soft and clean fresh off the boat too i wish i still believed in the world and white men you guy are losing me bit by bit day by day faded into the background i guess for now i know there s more to life than romance and belonging there s knowledge and creation story line and peacefulness in nature i realised that s when i m most allowed to stay is when i realised i m not rejected by the other side i m not rejected by hell a place that ll understand me may devil protect me and be by my side got ta stop having death fantasy must be a reason why i m fortunate and not is it karma or wealth abused or wa i too spoiled to think i deserve happiness is it karma or illness it must be karma right i know everything about you i usually prepare my research before i meet you a guy anyone i go through your family photo your ex the girl you slept with before me and potentially after me too i spot for lie matching the story you told me with evidence the fun part is researching the girl you are fucking i can feel my heart beat it like an electrical rush of anxiety it s quite an easy and intimate process a i realised my instinct is right every time by the way this is the time where i note down possible event that might happen in the future if this is torture then i don t know what fun is solving this puzzle i uncover every step a i am walking through your living room i give a fuck about you everyday ever since my first project i want to know everything the truth of story that s happening to me i need truth i need clue i need to find out if i m the other woman why do you want to know thing you shouldn t know ugliest ugliest truth still better than lie in my opinion and when i learned the fact that i am nothing in your story this is where i imagine love story that involves the girl you actually like is this process psychopathic i think it s a poetic way of practicing being a wife haven t wrote shit in a minute i guess i don t know what to say anymore i need to get going nothing ha been working fuck u all listening to he talk a i sit there again and again with my mouth shut still taste the cum in the back of my throat we expect the extreme every time we meet i always walk into your empty house the house you shared with her for year convincing myself that i don t care about you anyways ever since i haven t been able to learn or live i ve just been getting by and ruining my own life maybe it wasn t even that traumatic but i had to have an excuse for something right i guess i wa pale and green i became dumb never shared a thing fell short when my friend are watching film i watch now i read now i wouldn t have done the same for him filled my life with horror escaping intoxicated insane fucked so good fun fun fun you don t know half of the shit i actually go through you just think i m a simple whore i could be for you i wear black tights and two silk bow tie on the tip of my knee get all the way down i wait they always tell me to stay where i am because my back is arched and my as is in the air all the thing that made me who i am i bet her art is even wholesome and not pain then i worried i m not ur enough hey i feel better now still remember me what you ve been up to im not sure writing you from afar i m just getting to know myself why would i forget you i wa just trying to forget my self i m leaving london soon just like how i left china just like how i left la and like i left china again when will i ever return there s no more looking back my family s fed and i have some money under my name the only fortunate thing little fire lit in my world will never have the glory they once have i m not extraordinary enough but cool to have fun recently my family discovered that i am american a real american a real person with a passport that doesn t require month of quarantine a real passport that doesn t need a visa a real world i m freed and you don t understand i m trying to free my family too come i ll swallow all the feeling you might have may i open wide and welcome you inside up and down spending time with men that want anything but me ex and ex never ending dark hole of a modern bitch clear whiskey glass amp cocktail you never payed for her spend it all on me you never called no one did