im alive myself dont want keep holding onsorry grammar here use voice dictation software perfect ive wanted die  years now im  chronic pain fibromyalgia always tired ive tried everything feel less lethargic best everything should feel rundown edge job feel anxious every day ive meds years im trying new meds now first time want die things therapists say do journal meditate several times week give  hours sleep every night see therapist psychiatrist force make plans friends im even lucky enough people genuinely good people like im hanging around bunch jerks dont know help me try bring much feel super lonely too sweetheart love dearly closest life good is huge struggle make day point time together wake morning day starts again think long workday ahead me wonder again keep sticking around life mostly pain moments relief like pressing pause pain like huge counterbalances downs like sleeping her im peace recharging even best times life enough help make next work shift unhealthy become relationship one escape true escape work four days week negotiated  pay reduction take friday feeling pain wanting die im home alone things fun feel empty inside dealing pain is well painful dealing failure make positive impact world painful well dealing insecurity would happen lose job pain gets great able work insecurity comes feels like slow steady decline qualityoflife hurts exist in answer always would hurt people love go fair much privilege white man ability earn decent income use try fix shit all especially white men fucked time despite intentions get lazy end exactly hate look back slavery im horrified look nazi germany im horrified yet eat inhumane meat animals raised amounts slavery maybe focusing taking time for making budget for humane meat would help state mind feel net impact world neutral best passion projects ive started try make difference flopped ive joined project started others similar experience nothing actually made difference survived volunteer organization believe volunteer time really impact success im like ghost im here cant seem move objects around impact world sort flow it desperately grasping things remain exactly bad came end im staying around try make difference measurable thing thats happening im pain suffering cant point anything makes worthwhile im trying share unfiltered hopes someone reads this sees something broken thinking points ways rethink this someone shares empathy hard able share info anyone regularly try soften close im consuming emotionally too dont know many years do