i 0m have had a rough past year my brother ha been in and out of psychiatric institute due to drug induced psychosis changed major life choice around my recent ex of year and am now living by myself in a college town doing all online class all of my friend are hour away and i can not seem to find connection with anybody where i live currently my mental health is on a steady decline despite being on medication and having therapy i drink alone frequently self harm almost every other day and when i try to get ahead i m constantly being pulled back i ve considered killing myself during the height of these past event yet for the first time i am enticed by the idea while having a relatively clear and calm conscious my studio apartment is hell for me a i am stuck in my head almost indefinitely i have no motivation to work on school or go to work regularly despite being a relatively driven person both ex i ve ever had see me a an emotionally abusive and controlling person and seem to have a lot of hatred for me i have always tried my best to be loving to everybody and never intentionally wronged them yet i allow them to hold power over my life even though i never see them after explaining these circumstance to my therapist she told me that it doe not classify a emotional abuse yet i still cling to those word i feel like i ruin everything around me without ever trying every time i get into my car i think about how easy it would be to just speed into a building of off a cliff i honestly don t know if i d be around to type this if i had a gun the only thing holding me back is my family and few close friend but sometimes i can completely disassociate from that reality the future scare the living hell out of me and i don t think i have a place on this earth people always say it get better but i have trouble believing that anymore i ve failed a a boyfriend brother son when all i ve ever wanted wa for people to see my true intention i don t want to go on living if it mean i continue to hurt people that i love