plan commit suicide somewhere midaugust witnessed parents fought one time resort mother tried bash fathers head table lamp first  years school bullied heavily first day got mass beating cried celebration lineup followed big fight me vs everybody else class lot hate towards teachers  years school worst remember partially unstable mother point parents got divorced father living us long time could visit me one time went park reason stopped place renting got back mother sensed something odd asked was told would consequences told truth did followed horrific memory date put simply involved lot slurs directed father screaming beating expensive highend plasma tv hammer things calmed since  parents share apartment completed basic education on something never left me feeling uselessness desire exist anymore became apparent around  years ago got somewhat deadline  months ago basically situation bad exams studied good professional teachers from another school came bad like got place university contest pan out chose translation profession english german languages summer take firstyear exam german complete failure retake september much past year it basically nowhere go retake exams come even worse current scores get university college allfor whole life felt like belong here like mistake well seems true sad get witness nineteenth birthday cats going grow up sad leave parents hope future would even sad live rest life end homeless scared ultimately change anything end ants big rock going boil us alive absence insignificant know go anymore