today  years since mom died  month since dad died covid redflag ideation  euphoriai feel alone know people love me friends family parents really hurts know wont act thoughts dog would really hurt family kill myself thought dying feels liberating euphoric dealt depression life learned tolerate sadness loneliness tiredness comes that right feel fucked emotionally fees like void endless pain loneliness sadness like end sight even ends awaits stay alive baseline depressed self feels like whats point living suffering numbness