sure  feel like burden friendshi really know go start it im pretty level headed right now know last long ill constantly shift wanting kill really happy easily excitable feel like come drama queen im melodramatic reach lows really feel nothing unbearable emotional agony ive almost killed  times now time im send redflag note break tears cant it rd time even shed tear felt hollow worried ive become desensitized since think detail almost daily past month talking friend it finally broke go it convinced finally throw away noose ive holding onto  months thought done it now instead feel even pressured nervous guaranteed easy way anymore im afraid might turn less clean methods get bad enough botch it feeling nothing pain long time dying even dying crippled pain rest life cannot afford help cannot afford medical bills police forces stay hospital will thatd cause finally go life would bill insurance one ripoff plans get fined much putting premium crazy high unreasonable deductible id homeless expenses actually unfortunate enough hit it last night meticulously planned method thing stopping reason need rope chill raise suspicion way approach cold empty calculated kinda unsettling passionate irrational need kill like hit absolute lows im laying bed sobbing uncontrollably moments ill sit for like  minutes planning out feel like need kill point problem friends care much me like im insanely lucky thoughtful caring friends are even exgirlfriend still cares deeply friend made mistake coming first time almost went it went quiet  days discord called work make sure okay two days ago sitting hospital side world go sexual reassignment surgery something wanting entire life something saved slaved past  years entire time ever worked despite that took time day worry me asking okay telling bullshit told fine knew way well bare ruin moment tell up one two closest friends talk daily going lot one addisons disease constantly lot pain always sickly always tired needs  hours sleep day feel exhausted thats guarantee friend firsts going lot right now talk personal life lot generally really withdrawn life little could piece together really ill well also rough life puts borderline poverty shame two still worry me comfort im upset understanding people planet make happy theyre around online though friends actually acquaintance coworkers pleasant close friends either way feel selfish going im upset encourage great success feel blessed friends lies issue feel like burden friends actually despite transgendered like friend used date supportive treat like woman ways get person despite knowing understand mood place estrodiol flowing daily i  pgml getting increased  one even compared moody teenage girl despite support give me feel burdened them nd time bear give redflag note instead left discord group us  me one addisons one speak personal life well servers together uninstalled discord phone computer hoping sever ties never burden again started feel worried upsetting them reinstalled phone hours later find one messaged asking okay first told suicidal comforted felt settle those two really good knowing exactly want hear calm feel happier reinvited everything woke up first also told second suicidal know heres part burdening me nd told never leave shed miss dearly made feel loved time made feel obligated stick around sake care deeply theyre two closest friends entire world honestly even think im falling love one them know itd mistake pursue it im also sure already taken someone sweet cannot single unless wants and wanted be change me either way last thing needs bringing already do like want away them justi feel like realize much happier theyd without me since bring im upset almost fucking daily refuse accept im fucking toxic happiness well upset get come confide them sure fun together highs whenever theyre active get talk them highly doubt im enjoyable around worth emotional pain put whenever im sad leave servers now uninstall discord again know ill clawing thought reinstalling level stop dumps know ill keep vicious cycle depressed around up im worried theyll worry me itll upset them care much friends put something like that know im suicidal made mistake telling them theyll think killed myself thats im torn feel like im control anymore stay happy them keep contact them stay alive them know do sorry thoughts place want worry them want upset im sad