want kill myselfi want kill myself want something really fucking stupid like drive car tree trip flight stairs something take away suffering everyday life want die want something big happen something serious make everybody else reset way think me adhd making life hell moment especially trouble emotional regulation tearing girlfriend apart cant remember shit enthusiasm happens less remember said shit feel harder becomes snap it wish could restart life blank slate connections ties live pace mental burdens holding back envy meander life happily whereas overthink every single decision make deal constant thoughts ideas swirling around head every single second day matter decision make ill think wrong one cannot content life moment nothing try best despite experienced fair deal trauma life whats price happy