wish gutswell am resorting post internet forum what judging past interactions doubt response help me feel  choices reject god kill myself cannot simply choose god worked last several years ive tried  year old forever alone guy self confidence friends try distance would want spend time me hate me want spend weekend bed never getting up drinking water eating food sit die away maybe ill join military turn eighteen get killed off ive heard people refer levelheaded thats me future doubt ill even graduate im  what ill probably live parents house die sapping away realize absurdly morbid nonsensical guess im venting cause ive never friends vent to maybe turned away edit somehow feel much better morning leads believe form bipolar mean remove thread look different angle clear head thank posts think would get much recognition any