understand everything break cycle wanting kill myself yet always returnive always felt off like part incorrect wrong missing feeling ive since started able memories explored feeling farthest reaches imagine tried find various religions scientific theories make feel purpose tried sports gaming social events helping community finding passion career tried therapy antidepressants experimenting consciousness looking family members help yet  still convinced commit redflag logically makes sense me know possibilities await if any side better stick devil know one dont still though feel like want kill frequently suicidal ideation never stops head always reoccurring event matter do merely coping existence want feel alive want feel isnt trap gift logical reasoning addition actions could take could provide feeling want know wrong correct problem im open anything want feel right