friends im big dumb failureive lurked lot never posted pretty bad tonight though im going talk while ive always sad cant remember time fighting deepseated sadness even happy surface  tried kill myself mom found took therapist gearing try express feeling drove desperate measures prepared let out started telling id tried kill myself laughed face asked world would want that really fucked up going open id ever anyone saying really fucking difficult things acted like big joke really fucking difficult time talking people trusting now trigger that certainly help im college im pretty shy many friends im weirdly jealous have hate myself thats somebody want be shynesswithdrawal people become worse lately grandpa died one best friends fucked cant handle idea seeing anyone anything wonder im lonely friends throughout theres thoughts head like could always kill yourself cant get rid thoughts know im trying say here want friend want feel like dying seconds think anyones online thanks letting talk anyway