want die cant find courage kill myselfi nobody right ill probably delete five minutes like everything post im probably writing attention sense somebody might listen me maybe let out ive laying bed past week lot sleeping crying crack pressure college yet again ive thinking lot it various methods always excuse too painful risk brain damage living dont want family find body like that etc think devastated family would gets cry old friends would sad too resistance even much affects everybody else fucking hate brain convinced everything life worthless got shitty draw life everybody even slackers knew graduated started careers kept stopping anxietydepression wish could murdered hit car get violently ill something could die without family living redflag walking dark unfamiliar street yesterday thought hey getting stabbed dying street bad course even glorifying pain since im coward thinking lying floor life leave body strange idealize that times get disgusted thoughts sometimes walk outside wish could fall floor lay cold concrete forever even dead still motionless peaceful like im sleeping eternity fantasy nobody even notices everything else world keeps going see subway trains feel impulse second want painmess instead ride train similar thought floor before man wish could sit train nestled plastic corner eyes closedforever fantasize death like sleep scenarios feel like failure life fucking dropped college twice happening again im  live parents im virgin never relationship woman friends anymore terrible social anxiety im ugly overall wasted potential future fucking point anymore thought could beat depression matter what never long depressed maybe im depressed enough yet overcome fear killing myself know whats worse idea things get worse fact im stuck cycle misery yet unable end already kinda hope spiral control finally point end fucking misery wish could fucking normal seem possible