idea many different aspects lifelet preface saying although worked hard get am know im lucky person whole life ive complaints  friends played sports girlfriends sex love  experienced life average american grade schooler high schooler college student young professional would experience it im bit introverted most plenty things feel like ive wasted time worked hard high school get full ride college worry loans lucky enough career pays  year half graduating city cost living low im kind rambling im trying make point many people would kill have yet reason really want live im really sad anything feel like ive experienced enough id fine living anymore way last decade id totally okay vanished thin air everyone simply forgot ever existed hate career im passionate it knew wanted do id throw current job heartbeat idea want do enjoy really change fact desire live hobbies love like snowboarding ive good girlfriends ive love with even that often want fade existence im pretty nihilistic think life intrinsic meaning ones responsibility assign meaning life ive never able matter hard ive tried purposelessness makes feel okay wanting alive times get tougher like now often lean towards wanting dead rather simply apathetic it used think fun activities dating distractions apathy time ive sort assigned importance them them im living life like point time maybe distraction apathy life supposed like even then cant help feel bit shallow know reality cant always like that even were id likely get sick time im sorry know really cohesive way thinking things typing out tldr  im sure life ive tried hard prescribe meaningfulness life cant really it results apathetic living normal circumstances makes lean towards wanting live situations get difficult thanks reading ill check back tomorrow anyone thoughts