need help mechanics pulling together started depression turning existential crisis im starting feel pretty valid logicali couple issues right coming head found long ago going major depressive episode something gone even know honestly might ptsd sprinkled there guess consider really irrelevant given new found turn ive going here psychiatrist ive got sucks ass spent great deal time carving everything make life easy went psychologist first really thing offer breathing exercises left least convinced everything possible within powers conclude rationally issue chemical imbalance first insurance company gives list people can see get reimbursed go almost everyone booked weeks months advance think ridiculous is finally find someone go sit week calling tried make job easy possible explaining fact felt like weight world going crush first time life felt defeated reaching out regular doctor even im self employed etc try self sufficient possible im asking help im asking help explained everything going life provided much detail possible alleviate fears drug seeking made clear starting get gravely concerned short term state jumbling story couple times gathered professional avoidance prescribed something would take up several weeks months see change thought insane dumped mind came help felt like even paying attention prescribed benzos short term support never someone ask something like that ill tell what trick problem long term meds giving redflag idealization issues returned told aggression issues want get hospitalized arrested whatever since never officially tell anyone im threat what load fucking bullshit another  days sort put nd prescription different longer acting prescription bottle refill  days great enough time get next bridge go get refilled said day two earlier refill thats fine big deal told them fact quiet number left days felt need boost return week later pick im told doctor changed mind thinking wtf says  days right there issue apparently since write date too pharmacists said totally unprofessional manually verify it even remember many days refilled for   months ago mean pleaded guy im drowning life cant coming back making weekly appointments im trying sort out need training wheels guess every fucking person comes trying score pills including me okay enough guy ive got medication now fantastic lets move next issue here ive trying tell significant hey im going trouble right now please please keep down total ball buster normal times ive always managed fine got decade ago ive asked guess consider almost bare basics yelling house nagging try make effort intimate understanding right now im bitch it know help get this getting anywhere every time bitching something could think hanging basement kept thinking itd quick itd like going sleep ill never deal bullshit again okay im falling back looking sort temporary support ask mom ive extremely good terms forever help want clear relationship amazing said let time needed most explained needed help needed talk significant keeping line needed family support here basically shifted said one one needed help shit sitting paths ahead me  fight fight fight battle get back drugs helping  risk getting locked hospital telling truth  risk losing means support significant process   minutes tops turns existential crisis ive got good life recently ive become convinced ultimately life one enormous distraction ive chasing level happiness unobtainable immediately people talk this dance around subject become obvious im questioning existence immediately turn discussion honestly chasing material happiness oh that end that ultimately capitalist goals already went road happy kids realized different happiness distraction sort used look someone like larry ellison idealize him look successful is got older children idealize someone like that saw someone bought heroic amount bullshit sacrificed entire life pursuit ultimately power guess see world differently ultimately believe purpose life deep meaningful relationships ultimately complex that im way oversimplifying things here really starting get rails im starting feel like alien planet people truly identify days ive got small group confidants really truly adore people feel genuine loyal feel like majority people meet genuine vast vast majority people meet wrapped trivial bullshit trying seen way sort person cant connect them one hand totally understand person feel great sadness shame bought bought hard im trying cross bridge next stage cant find enough people there increasingly feel like amount effort necessary stabilize essentially rebuild core foundation much ive got partner seems concerned whether toys cleaned ground put bullet head doctor worried hell get rolled writing sloppy prescription endless number shitheads deal daily basis business people would piss kids cereal save  recently id seen someone handful times last year sort start unplug like been never noticed really recently killed im starting see startling parallels am path least resistance redflag think worth fighting for ultimately feel life become one big distraction efficient honest help legislatively practically prohibitive must something wrong here cant hard correct chemical imbalance seeing world shit colored glasses im getting really sick it