 diagnosed depression generalised redflag got older symptoms grew worse suffered numerous traumas bereavement parent via murder emotional abuse parent neglect rape seeing someone die right front me abandoned aged i highly traumatised events diagnosed mental disorders including complex redflag went small school children mental behavioural difficulties started college  education beyond primary school age yrs old stopped educatedi still put maths english gcses despite lack education got c english f maths still know fuck thought mixed construction engineering course college months failing maths sad truth was picked course   women  boys department nobody else class maths acsi maths first year alongside level  course failed second year my level  course help kind teacher managed get c mathsduring actual course struggled hard  non practical exams practical ones weak would never even held drill life tried hard learn would cry practical day tuesday teachers know full background obviously severely scarred body obvious self harm uncle next kin obvious easy would come hrs early spent summers working workshop learn more barely passed first year second year well rd year top  classin second third year volunteered local charity shop every saturday helping general stocking shelves talking customers contributing helping private charity taking care abused dogs felt confident enough study particular niche type engineering university coursei dropped within  months could cope different teachers much harder work different classemates development painful chronic pain conditionmy life spiralled running money ashamed go onto benefits attempted suicidei went onto benefits eventually finally diagnosed months going drs pain told take ibuprofen eventually moving different gp surgery referred specialist given painkillers  years pip universal credit took years psychiatrist given kinds antidepressants antipsychotic actually told need therapy took years begging referred psychology service starting emdr next week waiting treatment waiting years pain clinic suggest course actionyet hate it judge around judge me burden society never worked actual job redflag spent years working bad sometimes cannot even leave house self harm started stopped years many medications many drs expressed concern diabetic think related untreated pcos spent years particular antipsychotic it still know type am even care anymore pay pre payment card mountain prescriptions feel guilty ashamed tick universal credit optioni hate life turned out sick anxious depressed traumatised change anything  burden society