getting help leads painabout  months ago met girl really liked first  months quasi relationship going on time first person could tell suicidal thoughts first great problem felt little great couple really pathetic reasons still told problems even though knew interested hearing even talk me fucked up talked things also one last friends shitty little social life crumbling away last december told mym mum suicidal thoughts awkward fuck next couple days tried talk hated it regret telling her still cant sometimes look eyes military told doctor thoughts waste lot time convince bad shape none even slightly respected need military straight desires matter us well take freedom away well feel like attitude lost one friends lose tell friends made things awkward capable loving purely genetics almost lost choice military people respect free make decisions me completely alone im uncapable anything alone hence im completely fucked