im  hate life even though really bad think redflag daily years stress buildingsorry long is id like preface saying im right edge think contemplate redflag every day im closer year two tell call hotline whatever urgent think need talk get advice whatnot im ever serious call hotline first abused since kid institutionalized think  times redflag attempts diagnosed depressive disorder around  around time entered foster care never got treatment antidepressants recently took whole bottle one day prescribed once obviously ran gotten im bad scheduling doctors appointments anxiety clerk always feels patronizing me feel think theres something wrong like im retarded even though even know ive never diagnosed anything mental except depressive disorder serious physical disability hate calling thus put put more tried  weeks ago schedule appointment got busy signal times tried since supposed go talk vitamin levels well antidepressant early may im month overdue makes want go back well im afraid ill scolded rightfully fucking stupid to think antidepressant help bit  living situation  like said im  foster care never lived anywhere year since like  im program pays apartment with one roommate food cable transportation work dj work consistent working one night week enough make much it weeks get work attending college college summer college financial aid department fucked telling id keep financial aid even failed class did called said id lost financial aid next semester means cant really go one big point stress this  anyway program houses like  people around age apartment complex two apartment took lease apartments needed since roommate first move thus first lease expire theyve forced us move different apartment complex incredibly stressful settled much shit move dropped us suddenly first heard monday told wed move sometime week monday night came apartment told start moving well moved tonight manager place started bitching apparently supposed move roommate moved things afternoon were supposed thursday though make sense were getting mixed signals manager staff work here nobody communicating us im new apartment right apparently im supposed even though nobody fucking told like pm id already moved electronics bedding less everything else except furniture pa speakers sleep schedule terrible virtually impossible fall asleep am tomorrow ive got wake up get ppd shot finish moving unpack clean get bitched manager goddamn lack communication skills relax really bad day ive far far worse days life soft life foster care made soft compared used abused even though peoples standards im still hard like stoic confident tough whatnot im absolutely dreading tomorrow additionally im terrified theyre going make get minimumwage job theres something possibly lyme may due extreme vitamin deficiency wrong bones cant handle physical stress every time past ive job like pushed closer redflag every fucking day djing handle less prolonged stress one night week most plus find extremely enjoyable less thing makes happy im also looking substitute teacher local highschool next semester meet states requirements one could handle desk job thats one really think may able get im type roll defeated all im dj im gogetter im sure could come another way make money yet partially motivation completely died used get early hop bike pin fliers advertising around town go random businesses ask use dj that forget repost ad craigslist half fucking time much less actually go market physically plus even inconsistent gigs im still grossing money peers here save least  everything make whereas burn money like object  bank despite spending  equipment working way sum using speakers lights got goddamn thrift shop  even  despite working nearly  hours week every week  relationship status  another big problem cant get girlfriend im hot project confidence even though tell im actually wreck im good always put facade living mom im creepy whatever ive  girlfriendsfwbs since highschool ive single  months now killing selfesteem girlfriend less makes selfworth one two friends last girlfriend practically begged stay friends her tried literally reason it  blue suddenly started ignoring completely still christmas tree loaned december impression lot sentimental value her refused come get months contact cut ive tried tinder chicks seem understand dating app get ton matches good conversations them time time soon actually ask completely stop responding think bitches using boost ego hell else would match me talkflirt hours drop hints going date disappear moment actual date mentioned extremely limited social contact real life im young go bars college out two social things know im fucking isolated ill never meet anyone it need someone know absolute fact im much attractive average dude standards high go ugly fat chick want fucking die kind pathetic fucking worm attractive cant get girlfriend im onpar disgusting slime rincels whatever must absolutely fucking worthless something literally used girls me  past girlfriends hot standards came classes whatnot think recent ex pretty much every night understand suddenly decided act like exist obviously situations usually dude didsaid something creepy absolutely didnt last conversation id minutes late presentation together class took together semester broke up presentation which wound even late for bullshit art rest semester whenever id talk shed seem awkward it completely stopped responding texts absolutely nothing on end things then think may ex broke get me theyd together  years abusive hadhas selfesteem issues rolled it broke assured get back together im sure broke sort mental issue started shortly got together ended months split less issue would always extremely tired physically mentally problem demanding sex could never remember things said remember fucking anything reason went sauve charming confident dude got hots blithering idiot probably thought gave  fucks relationship said felt like listening remember things tried explaining fluke weird thing never happened life im sure thought excuse  anyway guess main thing idk either those got girlfriend problem living work situation seem bad all cant im fucking young go literally social spots  miles  chicks tinder get ego boost rather actually go someone guess since late ive got get early noon probably tomorrow im gonna go sleep ill back tomorrow respond read stuff im killing tonight gaurenteed im heavily considering calling ex begging come back guess ill save another night