wasted potentialthrowaway things bad ive spent last  days empty room contemplating pistol bought home protection reasons failing myselfmy mom dog want know growing moreabstract skip history im write like goes ill tldr end ive therapy antidepressants alcoholism since teenager real reason why great childhood pony gods sake top class every year without even trying bored lonely terribly popular child used alone parents great kind people friends would come advice support every teacher loved told wait see would become well became  year old stripper drinking problem went college tried study art get bed whole semester failed out went therapy got prozac tried again got depressed failed out got series physically emotionally abusive relationships smart tormented men attracted brokenness violence saw myself nice man could ever like understand me bored them things got darker rougher got hurt  lot finally attempt distance myself moved across country tried start over immediately hooked thought great guylong story short ended hospital covered stitches blowout fight car chase redflag attempt got mad quit dating started taking krav maga became known scary chick class year krav started stripping loved it loved talking people loved dancing loved freedom money travel met great guy things looking cheated best friend back zero me lost anger took bed like ridiculous victorian flower months passed finally enough booked tickets exotic city fabulous vacation threw ring lying bastard given ocean met amazing women felt healed last night there met man got talking turned city back home i felt like fate felt like fucking soul mates sure drinking problem world very long depressing story short  years later left without word got phone call hearing week hed moved thousands miles away id thought dead guess appreciate call brings us now nearly two months cannot get it two months ago talking marriage love life gone years pulling depressed ass mud bootstrapsi more never works never lasts im attracted wrong things still well work literally thing gets bed go pretend someone else listen problems men come go drink world little softer dread going work im there dread going home anything offer anyone spend day night writing crying im emptied out stare wall im exhausted enough sleep im sleeping easily  hours day now plans ambitions cant get excited travel always savior cant get mad cant paint im getting much thin corner ive painted getting much small im old start again me dont even know could do long employment gap credit never graduated college acquaintances real friends im terribly uncomfortable talking emotions anyway last therapist went see told treat much liability want get meds again either make ragey lose memory even im misery id prefer remember it im thinking guess trying commit psych ward  hours least environment would change know would help im tired tldr lifetime bad choices energy ideas desire get it living days honestly getting painful really prefer die see another option thank listening