like wow think suicide everyday past year half year chronic suicidal thoughts talking plan aftermath death like others react etcrecently decided wanted end suffering went online bought drug do ask arrived hands easy access takes little even know dead thinking myself wow easy huh dead makes suffering longer existent everything fine now no much hard that permanent solution palm hands take it desire met much power held hand right finally make decision came moment came realize want die want end suffering looking drug hand gives fear redflag worry many different emotions looking makes feel uneasy want best me feel choice take dark route solution feels impulsive bought this must feel like choice now could once realized answer feel like one time conflicting gives comfort knowing access it decide take it prevent enough living really enough enough even working towards something here suffer people tell stay answer still deciding way know thinking suicide plan like walk park presented permanent solution problem palm hand becomes difficult thing ever commit to