failed first time everything crumbling againabout  years ago tried first attempt obviously failed looked like accident one suspected went ups downs overall fresh take life fast forward couple year met love life jump forward get married im working job love suicidal may ask constantly fear future kids never making enough never good enough hide depression problem drinking created problems nothing big recently got drunk hit mailbox possibly looking jail time wife threatened leave big disappointment everyone dont know whats wrong seems like every good thing get screw drag loved ones me im almost edge dont think ill fail time gunshot head ive researched extensively past days several guns think wife suspects something cant bring tell scared depressed helpless feel take gun carry truck more holding hope im gonna go jail im charged im going im terrified trying hold in darkness crushing im crumbling write this