dead insidetoo many bad things happening long without anyone knowing caring ampxb assaulted babysitter  babysitter  whole thing fucked brain twisted awful nightmare memory reason know real sister remembers seeing it growing up dad horrible rage problems used grab face hard fingers insides cheeks would bleed ran house frantic scared broke ankle spent one new years eve walking along road without coat proper shoes kicked rage lived car two week refused argument made angry threatened divorce mother leave then sometimes best friend sometimes favorite sometimes still best friend now sometimes hes asshole mother uses emotional crutch never really me sister fortunately brother great stay alive mostly best friend also great but getting hard theres many things highschool teacher highly inappropriate relationship also sexually assaulted twice high school violently youth church group one violently publicly school first college boyfriend horribly abusive  emotionally physical trouble swallowing breathing sometimes permanently damaged hyoid lovers kept first relationship abused me fucking piece shit abuser them both two mutually destructive awful abusive pure usery oneone legitimately raped me still bear physical mental trauma rape second long term relationship emotionally abusive first constantly threatened violence stalked broke up everyone ive dated since user asshole one coerced sex one them again penetrated without permission use condom say no also froze full dissociated wouldve fine sex wouldve asked condom maybe asked vocal consent but literally top foot height easily  lbs weight froze fucking gave hpv precancer im sick too fibromyalgia diagnosed  one understands besides doctors even doctors dicks it prevailing theory currently mutation mitochondrial dna leaves mitochondria vulnerable oxidative stress cells cant process energy properly im tired time feels like ive pulled every muscle body top shooting nerve pain migraines stomach never hurting sleep im much pain body fucked cellular level theres nothing anyone it cant afford medicine  hole emergency surgery cat have want die sleep long time wake someone else maybe something horrible past life life pure shit sometimes good sometimes love live life love nature love drawing love science love magic music art many things constantly hurt people destroyed people want love love amazing friend am would anything anyone people see weakness take advantage crush destroy tear pieces again little left now things myself try anyhow things comfort myself ive therapy many times cant right now so try love myself but hard feels like im person loves me one person life im sure loves unconditionally cannot burden them take everyone elses pain time really stay alive them even worse things happened them want one awful tragedy loss life but still theyre like sibling always wanted horribly lonely want need different kind love but every time ive triedive shredded over little left little left me really know much nothing completely rebuild myself wish could sleep thousand years