cannot tell many times heard parents every time suicidal thoughts next thing know grandparents house celebrating cousin  first birthday talking almost dead last easter told wanted die thought going say no lovley life worth living instead said hey everybody else head like wow thanks mom dad totally helps suicidal thoughts saying kind hypocritical fucking sick hearing you get one life live love one killing solve problems depression got worse dad told reproduce told we never truly died offspring carry genes thinking head seriously fucking disappointed want children want get married want die old fucking terrifys fuck honest cannot live forever would rather die young die bed old able move scary fuck told born world works would say l think ok existing  need live get one life