feeling like since beginning senior year high school thought going slump pandemic all never felt hopelessness entire life graduated feel samei live mom husband along two baby sisters feel like insignificant part family work the thought interacting people know makes sick stomach cannot even leave house take trash feel like eyes me rejected fast food job interview given idea around others myself unfamiliar place made panic anything around house mom expressed disappointed lay bed sleep till  pm wish could tell want anymore wish could tell days seem blend now every day spent alive makes want scream pillow means dead yeti tried failed kill four times already feel like attention whore so even though nobody knows attempted fantasize death constantlyeverything chore things requires energy energy left me takes weeks shower process time consuming never laundry want go searching dirty clothes never clean room task daunting consequently live pile filth probably walking pile filth too everything requires effort absolutely none givewhenever mom tells clean house takes long always start zoning out thinking suicide thinking different life would born different family different country opposite sex make scenarios head make feel better end feeling worse before fantasizing unachievablei feel hopeless worst part is really want help want feel like anymore want wake every day start cry still here feel like probably exaggerating phase mom thinks nothing wrong me convinced lazy unmotivated maybe right makes feel like disappointment cannot even blame her because well am knows nothing feel bases judgement sees daughter future ahead her useless cannot fend herself never amount anything life know want die know spend every waking second thinking nice would could stop existing know anything wish didi know do tired life think killing nearly every day tired here