hi all short  years earth many trials triumphs life seems getting progressively worse best life ever already feel like lived lifetime worth experiences due trauma experienced life like sexual emotional physical abuse stabbed someone  attacked mallet due bullying involved police chase surviving car accident addict addicted alcohol age  last year age being deaf left ear birth survived surgery survived many illness infection young child revived birth due oxygen loss severe bullying around  suicidal episodes last year many prior managed obtain ncea lvl  even though kicked school due sevely bullied everyone hate me many fun sexual experiences done pretty crazy one kind stuff seen done things alot people could ever etc always made sure live every day last live fearless lived life edge fullest although lonely sad alot due redflag past trauma things starting look around last year acquired good job wonderful partner sc ironically car accident mins dropped friends place stayed mine met person night before relationship prospered crash made become clean alcohol drugs thought prospect career family always wanted raise children live farm countryside etc but life changed worst nowinitially illness started am jan th  awoke vivid nightmare drenched sweat auditory hallucination diahorrea vertigo derealizationconfusion brainfog shivering chills went back sleep went away within day time went holiday suffered vertigo ear pain car ride initial sickness appear feb th got bad flu wsore throat vertigo ear pain coughing running nose chills diahorrea etc feb th suffered derealization severe brainfog crying sadness redflag rem sleep issues like falling sensation jolts awake flashing behind eyelids hypnogogic hallucination constant vivid nightmares every night head pressure diahorrea excessive urination shortterm memory loss bunch stuff around early march came psychotic ocd presentation delusion developing shitzophrenia intense fear constantly googled sort stopped derealization died bit left andeonia complete loss emotions severe depression mood swings came ministrokeseizures severe brainfog happened around start last month every time getting memoryloss long term shortterm almost dementia like memory loss developed internal vibration currently symptoms are slight brainfog internal vibration dementia memoryloss vivid nightmares still hypnogogic hallucination upon waking minor head pressure crying sadnesssevere depression complete loss emotional enjoyment life loss track time going around me inability retain information loss imagination hair thinning easily bruising loss libido abdomen pain  months illness shts getting worse many blood tests tried different diets meds help mood none symptoms tried therapy  ct scans head wo contrast tried heaps nothing works personally think maybe autoimmune encephalitis due virus covid maybe sure yeah pre much fed atm girlfriend long distance stuck this flys live today family lives comes every school holidays love much says loves supports till death keeping alive struggles issues feel useless dead example nana dementia home look eyes life gone soul lost mind trapped within body imprisons feel atm want go forever cannot feel life emotions feel severaly disconnected everything impaired cognitive function well experiencing symptoms daily always different insight life feel always thought felt different others idk feel special world sometimes wonder alive everyone else figure imagination idek haha plan spend last weeks feel better see reason continue end it sorry words wall text prolly need life story want make sure story read atleast someone goas many know dog eat dog world weakness tolerated strongest survive unfortunately longer strong man really yeah crying afraid death asking happened ages every night alone realise maybe good go first experience much suffering bad live generally die alone world strange place atm full pain narcassism suffering corruption also tried talking parents provide guidance tell accept fate yeah idek  p thanks reading far btw god bless  year old male life over