what triggered metoday found father ex best friends died shocked sad even tho friends anymore still feel bad them last months thought would something happened parentswell probably die right after reality hit like truck death father showed reality basically living parents would terrifying besides one cares me anyone else care about  years old horrified life main thing cannot live myself hate much cannot participate hobbies stuff need live good life feel empty also guilty everyone privileges do want myself never wanted be mdder live real world escape fantasies instead shit anything anyone sacrifice others go work helpful maybe like ghandi mother teresa similar kind helpful going live myself want familyhusbandwife kids partners friendsi live othersthe general society someone why hate myselfmy monolog structured jumped one thought anotherit long probably worth time goes hate empty am always say wrong things always care wrong people managed make people hate actually liked beginning thing would call the self even persona social mask person vessel filled contradicting emotions empty without identity even tho searched whole teenage life never ambitions future plans besides killing  in dreams ideas future saw unreachable gaved up leaving head instead making reality  well technically dead inside now cannot cry shout someone else always one shouted at right piece shit going lie pretend otherwise still hurts trying good always something wrongi fucking stupid pathetic bad person naturally suck even decent person felt guilty behaviour went school  months made lot trouble etc could punish provoke finally attempt suicide obviously one knows also care know also fucking gross meits going embarrassing teenage years  unhealthy obsessed love person lot crushes few three specific hate obsessive behaviour disgusting embarrassing basically always long crush someone longest three years instead do going crush idk one month asking befriending them stalked social media etc seems fine most also tried meet person town purposefully went thought might be next delsuion person rescue me see shit like skins example infamous effy two guys trying help rescue her inspired movies shows like unhealthy attachment stamps everyone hating ignoring me assumed person could save normal life particular person one cared even tho friends them heck friends cared less person seemed genuinely concerned me like person first even bother friendly seeing cared could resist developed feelings started crave persons attention love and partly still am extend obsessed emotions made makes behave like narcissist  maybe one emotions ruled life nothing mattered person eyes loved them love filled void self hatred created wanted badly rescue life obsession came from hate personality also happened ugly dumb lol waste air yes plain jane hope look better even tho empty inside vessel ever becomes pretty people annoy menegative harrassment like bullying anymore dumb part self explanatory lot way lazy write now edit post something new comes mindbtw  sorry english native speakeredit typos vent hate myself take kind