i am currently a senior at a prestigious college i worked really hard in high school to get there living a a lower middle class kid going to a high school that provided terrible education i never needed a pill or therapy or anything until my first breakup and my first year of college something shifted immediately suddenly i wa depressed i didn t have any plan for the future and i still don t over the year i used validation from sex with men social status and a crippling shopping addiction to deal and it ha been in and out but always there i started going on medication in college i am currently on anti depressant and vyvanse a i can no longer find any energy to do a single thing if i don t take it i hate it it make me even more miserable and my mood swing worse but hey at least i can get out of bed seeing my friend have the energy to go out on weekend them getting prestigious job being put together and looking at myself who ha no job lined up my partner is amazing but doesn t love me and i am in a shit ton of financial debt from personal debt like credit card to school loan i really lost any drive i had i ve been unhappy the whole time i ve been here for the past year it is absolutely fucking exhausting living like this my brain is always caught in negative thought loop i am so stressed that my neck and upper back are in pain i use kratom and other anxiety relief to cope my mood swing are horrible and even just fucking talking myself down every single day is so tiring i can t do this anymore i hate myself so much i hate my life i hate my diseased brain nothing help i m not even a good person a lot of the time knowing that i have to deal with this mental illness while working my entire life is too much to bear sometimes i am so angry i hit my head against the wall and hit myself with my hand i have so much anger and rage inside of me that never go away i don t even feel capable of learning anymore i am convinced my brain can no longer retain information and that i m just fucking stupid and worthless i want to die i really really can t take it much longer