thim upset dont know calm want puke dont feel good want sort way try make things stop second guess dont really know understand dont know dont know whats wrong  think tomorrow hard dont really think thats im upset dont know know cant die tonight want really bad tomorrow hard holidays always hard one person life besides celebrates thats mom reason fourth one ive typically remember spending throughout life guess maybe rest family religious holidays taught bad growing fascinated light show loved way blast made chest echo like trance got share special moment mom ever since remarried th grade stopped almost everythinganything together like going parks  hiking  singing car tradition discover best coolest last minute spot find showever since holidays us especially fourth special not politics america us think really really hard kinda devastating mom unhappy marriage stays pretty much pain ive put growing dad demonizing divorce afraid go hasent  doesnt job ever since born cant support sister own feel  hear see strain tension every year hard brings lot emotional things lived thats worst almost got divorce guilt everything ive put mom honestly dont think thats reason im struggling right something put words also bothers something get guess im sorry vent long post  dont think anything serious tonight dont want make things even worse mom im barely able survive time  know things would lot better everyone never alive first place