feel death appropriate option melongtime lurker never reason post long worth time truly needed speak existence way examine objectively wanted express someone think feel state state different others before see maybe anyone relate  year old male recovering meth heroin addict and consumer dozens drugs whatever available weak pathetic spiritlife forcesoul even given advantages privileges afforded birth middle class west good health stable family could manage world truly honestly hate myself intensity fervor ever felt another person institution hate myself know deep too even though socially obligated love tell deserve hated like this deserve suffer  know do considered social context only universe entirely indifferent course outcome life often comfort me know little significance feel like child essentially am pathetic weakwilled addled psychological malfunctions different types make stupid fucking motor tics expressed often face eyebrows jaw muscles god fucking hate myself express signs symptoms someone not well psychiatric vernacular habits hygiene take back seat microdistractions little bits media like reddit continue try forget really exist first place barely eat even though blessed ability leisure struggling hold good part could something life slipping fast literally feel mind shifting changing preparing death statistical balance debits credits nature things keeps account existence lifeform inhabit shifted favor early death staggering measure paperto doctor scientistnot good education sciences specifically chemistry form function mind brain nervous system imbue mind knows well enough reason out hardly form coherent fucking argument here know sense deep inside essence deeper humanhuman emotional state emotional self body need eliminated toxic emotionally unsafe person involved with weak spiritsoulessence poison others nothing wrong deserve except become emotionally involved me feel duty way leave world honour selfrespect fundamental imperative basic command software personality parses issues terminate myself means  parts experience casemaker death emotional self emotional self positive inverse former memories point feel like awakened accepted death accident universe although less benign going pathetic existence less innocuous conscious beings around me still really worth conserving menace certainly asset disappointment mild embarrassment parents something cover rest family accident accident accident accident im sorry everyone may hurt parents resources expended trying save life deserve die deserve die fuck im sorry goodbye hope find love peace everything good beautiful