reached point returnive suffering depression long cant even remember started ever since childhood began notice every years for different triggers enter depressive cycles become literally useless devoid motivation willpower point sabotaging life consciously sortf sick inevitable impulse compare addiction sorry think rn today  years old year since entered worst depressive spiral life  months ago fired job copy writer home let exboss many times therefore im broke broke boyfriend kicked dog getting tired trying help sustain me best friend speaking one talk ive also turned pathological liar year lied many times trying get better working speaking option anymore im currently  days away becoming homeless cannot pay rent buy food seek help turn relatives since live outside home ountry degree practical knowledge know write able land another job even waiter point would think survival instinct would jump motivate think committing redflag want live crappy life even im coward conscious death would affect loved ones write im embarrased become want talk someone ask advice case anyone gone thing time hope live seems pointless like waste give life definitely stop breathing would call redflag prevention line credit phone know im pathetic sorry typos im best write english also know real problems like terminal cancer schizophrenia not judging something like that brain wired backwards guess