life going nowhere lost half money saving past year fulltime job stock market stupid absolutely despise work done show lack compassion caregiving world little valued employee let ruin mentally scared quitting trying find new one lacking self confidence would able anything else isolated longer friends anyone talk outside family cannot form close notredflag everyday depressed anxious redflaged life world current state mind failed nearly everything tried work minimum wage job blew opportunity graduate college find good career put living life becoming adult skills hobbies interests awkward cannot express emotionally intimately another person virgin adult relationship see reason smoke eat drink death fuck shattered hopes dreams ability sense normalcy life best option get gun go forest shoot head falling cliff everything life absurd hate it seriously thinking buying gun online