anyone else subconsciously internally glorify redflag physical painfor period days lasted two weeks ago found serious sudden physical pain largely over call unbearable really sucked worse would stay hours simply sleep anymore thank god pain bad unable sleep something happened happened periods intense pain  internally imaginationmind glorified redflag escape pain imagined damn nice would painlessly end could end pain wanted bad idea became palatable subconscious level thank god consciously aware horrible idea permanent solution knew would temporary problem phenomenon happened horrible pain ive considered becoming gun owner past actually generally support gun rights in fact financial issues reason yet extreme paininduced mood swings makes afraid cant sure done something pain much worse think id get nonlethal defense options like pepper spray stun gun im horrified another pain flare comes might lose selfcontrol end gun fortunately promise actually suicidal  pain largely feel thoughts anymore really concern id love get idea abnormal is something similar ever happened bad flareups pain subconsciously involuntarily think redflag palatable relief physical pain even though consciously know it