chronically ill young college student  help pleaseim  years old four half years ago got diagnosed chronic condition completely changed life worse type person could really made difference changed world better intelligence drive importantly opportunities follow through disease broken me everyday im plagued pain many fronts ive lost much physical dexterity mental quickness worst ive lost drive motivation thats let push despite paindespite long hours true agony ive beaten submission yield truly take more condition grow worse years go on ill try one experimental treatment next putting family tremendous debt work best theyll prolong inevitable die affliction manner provided something else kill sooner ive always considered religious man ive spent life short been prayer good faith  say missteps along way however im apparently doomed incontrovertible thought process really god let suffer either cant anything it refuses anything it exist inevitably lead conclusion god exists worth worshiping god consequences doomed hellfire eternal like ive taught take matters hands end pain wrong either ethical religious ways wanting end appears lifelong promise anguish