think going kill myself year old male know father left  years old negligent disconnected alcoholic kid mom used abuse relentlessly would beat belts extension chords punch face tell im stupid burned cigarettes times taken years pay student loan debt degree completely useless live poverty hurt knee month ago cant even manual labour jobs used get by everything seems completely hopeless clue doing totally atomised family support live pay check pay check cause living high even though work  hours week barely scraping by whenever start get ahead something bad happens  months ago shell  dollars get car fixed needed new control arm plus new tires plus alignment tow need new muffler pass emission test cannot legally drive work knee gets better grinding like mad man shelling physio therapy get knee fixed costing ton ill laid bed months able work able pay rent  bank account needs last rest month life exhausting work hard can never pull pit im sad anything hopeless depressed stuck escape me