whyi cant deal anything anymore every day gets worse previous one cant anything else laying bed day anymore year best worst life many people lot people call friends others family theyre wonderful theyre amazing not deserve people even know theyve come like me make days amazing keeping entertained making feel loved make days awful cant spend time without making everything darker people like that understand leave that understand too want stay  minutes either left makes depressed worst love family love mom dad good parents care children hate parents hate cant talk them one view world live cant anything else hate cant understand even know try blame them know either would loved take bit interest everythink liked passionates me least became curse burden im scared even want get involved anything them hate life hate sad time hate myself hate fact im lazy even want try change since young nothing would ever want future well future see future decided study spur right last year highschool idea else do decided stop beginning third year difficult stressful thing nothing really thing anyway dropped out cannot find job cannot find way live independantly anybody work agencies job offers net unemployement cant find anything lie myself im lazy putting much effort could im using alcohol self harm numb feel pain ive cutting forearm months now nobody even noticed im even trying hide it could considered negligence others know blame anybody anyway im way fcked up fell love times life could count fingers hand hate love painful fantasy cant get enough of cant either despite issues worries tried best work relationship worked hard  months even seeing could give colour daily life end one nail coffin told countless times love them made think loved too all waited get drunk tell love one close friend im mad im sad feel disgusted feel sick hold grudge them still love despite everything wish happiest date either anyway im way fucked up ive wanting die much ive holding pills hand numerous times put blade skin countless times still cant die im coward want live cant commit it somehow ive getting closer closer every day still hope somewhere deep inside happen soon things would like going find kill mind happening im waiting release kingdom hearts  soon promised play together old friend house release day always loved videogames filled life fake hopes dreams kingdom hearts definitely one favorite series travel friends planned meet germany twitchcon im really interested it would really love spend time make memories finally theres another travel germany planned time summer vacations spending entire week surrounded alcoholic friends depressed me partying day night things somewhat looking life currently die that ill happy die before ill happy too cant die all i hope die soon