sure want shoot myselfi gun time ive thinking using almost every day know would easy thats main reason even tried get one somehow hoped someone something would stop me nothing like happened paperwork went store legally handgun since months ago knew bad idea second got store shooting number one redflag fantasy years thats wanted one finally end it im sure im serious shooting  scares honest often sit there holding gun bring temple never pull trigger holding like that feeling heavy hands gives kind kick keep fantasizing shooting lethal like shooting shoulder arm test waters also various combat knives fantasize stabbing often also stabbed right left hand bad expected im sure really want kill mutilate body even more anyone feeling same know really fucked need seek help enough money therapy im also bad situation health care wise  im practically going lose job get psychological help insurance