needed get lot stuff chest  maybe cry help maybe random ramblingsi sure post about may considered cry help open post emotions even arbitrary chaotic writing dumb person know frankly care dwelled sorry life long time thought pen thoughts still feel like something pour heart here want say verge killing or least want think also delusions life worst life ever universe objective enough know people worse circumstances dealing it said that standing crossroads failure lack motivation anything feel desire keep living life often contemplated would like die often wished life would end accident but enough rambling want pen life once think anyone world knows true family included positive lied every person know certain point life told close friend person wearing mask mask every occasion behind mask masks hide truly am wearing enough masks forgotten lost lie life point tried struggling slugging forward tried living life future tried living life one day time end didnt matter either way trainwreck life still trainwreck personal life shambles social life nonexistent professional life collision course towards freight train coming full speed idea even feel emotionally now would wonder bad things be firstly transgendered individual thirdworld country studying us since lgbt rights country nonexistent possible way transition future finishing studies finding job in us another firstworld country cannot tell anyone tg since pretty much means lose assistantship also shoot chances career field thus living lie life past x years lied colleagues roommate friends lied try fit people lied drive people away dont think anyone know really am top that gain age slowly become harder transition so another time bomb ticking away tried preparing transitioning taking unsupervised hormone therapy electrolysis well though help bit still hate look whenever look mirror anytime also extremely stupid decision taking hormones without doctoral supervision lead medical complications social level due above driven friends away pretty much living life recluse top that slowly become emotionally detached almost everything life find little joy sorrow things happening life lied friends hide tg self lied top lies found out scared even try start romantic relations life generally messed scared rejection life professional level also heading towards failure xth year graduate studies even though funding dry up much stress finish work still seems like uphill battle top that figured past  months looking job job market bad find reasonable job sick trying doesnt seem like get enough work done get degree get job student visa expires doesnt help people always high expectations dont know why tired failing again stress taken toll physical lifestyle well gone fit active person someone totally outofshape developed terrible eating sleeping habits feeds desire nothing throughout day big struggle get bed everyday morning wish day ends asap almost always given considering real goals life cant justify purpose life anymore sick trying meet failure anywhere everywhere tired fighting uphill battle every avenue life and often felt past months would existed all doubt existence worth anyone worth anyone suicidal thoughts infrequently last months tired life want spend next  years repeating wake something sleep routine again frankly little desire living know consequences taking life would people genuinely care me likely looking help doubt anyone position help really but think needed get chest weighing heavily long time hopefully pull things work out not well least tried someone take time read whole thing would really like thank taking time read ramblings someone probably would never meet long thanks fish