feel awkward posting need somewhere go dont like talking people knowlet give little background story around half year ago lost lot family lot tears lost entire friend group year difficult thankfully two people still say hold dear im thankful that mental state doesnt want listen that nothing wrong loose friend group talked behind back extremely harshly yet able manipulate rest friend group thinking bad guy however word that get really emotional occasionally sometimes ball eyes sometimes im pissed point want beat something feel like somehow something wrong deserve feel way treated way hate feeling like this dont want wake half time l dread falling asleep know im going wake feeling way morning anyways around months ago made pact best friend never know apologies sort difficult say even type im sure get mean honestly im extremely surprised long ive kept pact really really dont want anymore dont want let down love shes extremely fault person know apologies knowing word things correctly im sure deal this dont want open it shell worry handful worry stress is dont want add that end able fight urge heck supposed tell her wouldnt able guilt would build inside me eats every day feeling way wanting things want myself things everything keep inside needs let much say weight mindset keeps getting worse worse makes feel ugly gives urges you know dont need top everything else dont want eat dont everyone gets suspicious eat much warn genes hate just ughhhhh wake up look mirror compare myself hate see eat compare myself difference feel knowledge keeps reminding progress doesnt happen night insecurities keeps reminding im ugly ive set therapy appointments cant tell therapist anywhere near actually feel without sent mental hospital point is want really bad things feel like pile crap comes consequences im sure face feel really terrible posting dont want give anyone ideas anything sort feel like bubble wont let pop hopefully makes sense dont want anyone else feel way opening entirely bad thing whenever someone opens makes feel good someone know come to dont like come people hypocritical practically everything post is im good knowing word things hope makes sense sorry rant may offtopic really sure first post here