im going deed god want badlyi venting frustrations here currently feeling thoughts leaving work now going dads house getting one guns my dad reason  wife nuts driving far away go woods somewhere end suffering thought going head right now like literal bullet want to however fucking coward fear death fear comes next committing deed damning self eternal damnation suffering hell trying end suffering life make things worse suffer eternity one reason cannot go deed fear unknown although agnostic catholic upbringing tugs back mind cannot hurt family friends dogs innocent sweet dogs would miss daddy imagine pain causing pain others best friend killed years ago got drunk lay abroad coming home war zone ran traffic became hoodornament family suffers immensly day actions friends suffer it see family times year tell shattered them cannot people love man want pain stop causing pain well outside think great life middle class great albeit boring career someone age  supportive family wife etc yet bit debt wife bat shit crazy manipulative hell tries alienate friends family want leave trying to ugly messy afraid harm herself dogs me mean never suicidally depressed since teen came recent years see shrink meds such much need change need things work check mental institute lose job puts debt issues which turn makes life worse stuck horrible catch  making sigh