try make quick hope started like  years old life started turn gray lovely child everyone loved me beside dad left mother one trait made special relatives someone cried come them hugged them automatical one day mothers crying kitchen i like usually decided make happy again tried hug her tried pushed away looks today state traumatizing little child years later married another guy made childhood hell never talked way shouting smallest mistakes pretty bad too time later fall love first last far due introvert nature talked much least end considered friend end one day decided ask out mother called me tell me one friends died car accident told her probably joke photoshop friends often shit like that bad joke dead light guided life obvious depression that make shorter  unsuccessful redflags first one classic rope around neck second three packs strong painkillers third cutting veins missed think last one rope again keeped secret family one time opened mother helped me least thought back then better time graduated new school new environment etc destroying mentally cant take it often stab neck hand explode emotions hidden inside far pain let me control myself days ago asked mother help firstly made laugh electronics addiction i one one close friend often write stuff seeing phone rare finally sayed need real therapy talked like back then realized something talking mental health talking me make stop thinking it asking help forgot whole thing next day leaving alone thoughts probably made huge holes story also english good im writing know situation fault hate myself that yet still want someone notice help me