want christmas gun end suffering withim failure adult dependent abusive mother least end year move ever go back help would love see fail ive never much social life friends online somehow manage disappoint everytime one friend recently brain tumor removed worried him came back today made best effort focus making happy didnt act depressed didnt show depression didnt make anything me even played game usually hate refuse to along friends simply pointed group people trolls likely attack us lagging behind group didnt know really trying ended making pissed me tried lie think medication whatever didnt rest them me even made point tell reason rarely play game simply dislike it despite fact made complaint today actually tried thats one example many feel like failure matter hard try people around hate me mother father left favors new children more people used think friends using laugh older cousin raping  numerous times pile shit it hate much want die almost daily minor panic attacks thinking failure nothing way changing it cant therapy get medications cant go make new friends small town kids hated public school better them good kid teachers liked point bullying got bad taken school cut myself usually deep notice it chest faint scars look close enough ive always fond letting aggressive cats ive sometimes come contact damage me mean cat scratches lie works best cat scratches girlfriend tried hard for seems despise too dont know why opinion pretty negative told me shes basically insisted child knows nothing real world etc etc despite fact shes made major mistakes lied them shes never found someone accepting gender fluidity me despite fact sometimes stressful sexually wants things bring back bad memories id willing make happy live everyone know hates me cant stand me thinks im joke girlfriend talked badly behind back friends assumed depression attention grab id like blow brains out really would tried strangle belt lost consciousness guess released belt woke hours later tried od dry texture pills made vomit chance digest dont nerve cut deep enough hit artery legitimately want die gun id it dont try burden try be try make everyone else feel good need support basically fuck me hate much think badly me shouldnt problem isnt thats selfish me making deal someone hate wonder even stays loves me want responsible consequences taking last bit live away sleep late trying avoid awake sleep closest thing release right now took benadryl try heighten mood makes calm risk alcoholism time access beverages sort ive tried weed nothing me cant even find relief substances anymore used think okay lonely life style id outdo everyone id fucking win theyd working fucking target id nurse id one good apartment flat screen tv decent car nice clothes didnt need anyone anything id show im failure am burden want die dont want people tell to wish theyd guts tell like know want to stop pretending dont want myself would kill could quickly yes could change situation would really would id like to cant even go take walk fucking walk wish people talk want talk like me pity feeling responsible me see sort redeeming quality thats even worth it dont that im sorry