tried mdma best friend first time yesterday bad trip ended telling everything made unhappy life feel like courage commit redflagits along story boring okay dont read it dont mind  called happy pills tried girlfriend said nice experience asked wanted try knows sad time convinced easily genuinely excited feel happiness fun time best friend told start one pill but  minutes hour later nothing happening took another one later one half  minutes later started panicking going heart attack like feeling ten times worse usual going insane lying bed left side clenching muscles felt like eternity couldnt stop rubbing right foot left one ended tearing skin friend starting comfort me telling sorry was shouldve known better genuinely felt bad could tell wasnt clenching teeth telling terrified was kept biting inside cheek hard could almost felt good noticed saw bloody teeth helped drink water told important state two hours kept telling unhappy was wanted happier couldnt disease ruined life wasnt brave enough get help went on always repeating stuff got angry myself told pathetic was said wasnt came out like that something never thought id tell anyone hate much get humiliation well year now somehow turned insecurities sexual pleasure stuff seen porn took seriously hate porn always attracted women think awesome yet cant think woman wouldnt love potentially kill me barely imagine loving relationship anymore see cruel looking woman anything destroy soul like it hate like it would never imagine things wasnt porn dont think women evil never hate them im stupid hate myself im confused let happen years ago womans skin mine sexiest thing think beating nothing hurts much am know isnt wasnt like before remember precisely day lost confidence  years old new year school kept thinking hard talk others now used clown making people laugh made happy wanted like everything could make laugh lot friends wanted attention afraid alone friends kids alone always invited play us last year elementary school life going get worse every passing year noticed different thought mature thats dont act like buffoon anymore maybe puberty thats wanted think looking back now dealing mild depression stayed good six years turned  happy become adult fucking scared already feeling like wasted teenage years never meeting new people always old stuff couldve couple girlfriends years knew interested me felt exhausting thinking day would break would hurt me cant take rejection big part convinced much love solitude end high school less guy years that hey man wanna come party didnt go couldve met new friends wanna try improv us course not im shy obviously wouldnt good spent high school years group friends loved go restricted cant go auditorium bet well go well even eat everyday cant go sewers chill well matter weird go i even brought girl im good girls didnt seem mind talked pretty long time there im call gentleman cant go rooftop well find way we never did principal hated us always told smart kid whos better this liked comments thought time least bit fun even never really experimented anything else dumbass liked draw wanted become comic book writer artist pretty good never motivated enough become better never stopped writing though in first language french least liked play guitar always mediocre could see performing mean solo front intoxicated overly enthusiastic audience still couldnt practice hard enough get there point simply thought incredibly lazy wish was end high school beginning end me idea wanted do love writing stories used zombies outlandish stuff like assassins anything got movies started watching hundreds thought filmmaker must great goal bring imagination life two years later now im  want make movies still write stories never finish them least one character basically me recently wrote man fights underground fight club hes good always win even though wants die hes waiting someone kill him everyday never happens day felt really going die soon his body took much damage time met woman lost dog friend shes nice spunky deep feels lonely man likes keeps winning fights always meet park every night talking dimly lit bench still dies though finally losing fight finally something good hes fundamentally idiot cant make right choices order achieve happiness result hurts woman blames helping him even fault want develop make movie feel like could it wont last two years went cegep some bullshit useless garbage school meant stress fuck damage even emotional level tons work do little people meet one friend there end couldnt even go classes didnt even strength climb stairs kept going library watching whatever netflix job mcdonalds loved people worked night hated others day fucked eventually basically fired even though technically quit still hurts think about date time frame horrible dont know boring her probably me thor ragnarok really wasnt enough bring us together all thats lot failures row got expelled school failing every single classes lost job failed romance hurts bad cant even bring try again back bad trip part yesterday nothing  months now anyway event tell friend doesnt judge me even held arms cried still panicking severe depressiondrugs mix dont well drugs told scared dying told would okay went much details humilation thing ill leave that pains think it know awful gross couldve left right there never talk stayed told best friend cares me fell asleep times later apologizing many times next day uncomfortable deeply embarrassed tells shouldnt be hes proud talked feelings wants get professional help asked wanted go see movie clear mind accepted way there everything looked weird almost unreal cant describe it felt like alone world next me got relaxed movie even smiled little dont deserve best friend got back home took shower contemplated cutting veins razor blade die right there want know didnt it didnt want mother find floor naked blood ridiculous ive thinking ways die without upsetting anyone love much could isnt way all id hurt anyway matter die thats hate most im tired fucking tired cant anything zero energy went see movie first time two weeks went outside dont consume nearly enough calories dont exercise anymore cant even finish tv shows loved im convinced wont even final season game thrones fucking love show man sticking around dont understand im like that used watch many movies movie watchlist packed many dont even care watching them want cant even that dont die soon ill vegetable months time go dont belong here hate living theres nothing waiting me live people thats it want something myself now sad pain unbearable cant keep going want read comments made way here dont everyday wanted story written someone understand it cant see alive following weeks ill kill tomorrow fully clothed warm bath look decent find me dont want suffer im cutting veins quickly underwater listening heatmisers christian brothers last song name hugo