sick poor livesicknesses blind one eye scarred retina birth hypothyroidism undiagnosed stomach condition told barrettes stomach gastro paresis kidneys arent filtering blood correctly some sort porphyria get nauseated every meal pukedry heave hours sit hot shower turns cold sit cold shower hour nearly hypothermic sometimes hot water dump ice water head body shock sickness away seconds gives terrible colds add misery ended hospital four days became dehydrated kidneys shutting muscles cramping lack sodium given scopolamine zofran morphine stable enough hold bite pancake sent home forty thousand dollar hospital bill recommendation see specialist applied charity assistance hospital seen hospital bill since hope money owed anymore months later lucky enough get decent affordable health insurance used get every test conceivable tests went years never given definitive diagnosis mother end stage copd congestive heart failure oxygen  could leave house couldnt even make meal without nearly suffocating death step father throat cancer liver cancer step father radiation treatment throat liver throat cancer came back full laryngectomy came home hospital feeding tube crush pills feed liquid diet feeding tube also needed stoma cleaned suctioned surgical wound opened packed treated also making meals mother store runs laundry cleaning house dealing sickness day th birthday july  mother died heart failure step father home hospital one week passed could even speak married  years step fathers liver cancer come back fear doesnt long finances work past  years moved mother step father got sick work worked well three us past  years despite illness still able take care terminally ill parents able survive financially parents disability checks long term settlement check  per month two rentals properties owned mortgage as long renters anyway uncles grandfathers exwife which married  years passing first wife  years complete control ownership two rental units past year sickness subsided somewhat want get back work afraid afraid sickness hit work get fired again afraid get back job market long inherited home mortgage cannot pay property taxes insurance told cannot take mortgage house dont job also inherited  per month settlement check run two years enough live pay taxes insurance also hire lawyer order get house checks mothers valid due notarized one witness two per states law still owe lawyer  dollars racking penalties taxes yet pay also losing health insurance end month premiums going  lowest tier plan extremely difficult try find roommate move house house state disrepair terminally ill step father master bedroom would want move one sick dude one terminally ill dude plus bedrooms tiny two uncles one  credit card debt offer help gifted  dollars since mothers death cannot ask more idea going pay bills next month owe  lawyer  medical bills know of  student loan debt  property taxes accruing penalties  dollars month expenses insurance electricwater etc have home valued city  would sell maybe  due state disrepair  per month next two years plan leave hand written valid state leaving house step father acquire small boat kayak load back pack weights travel far east atlantic ocean one night enjoy stars one last sunrise get water wearing backpack hanging edge boat shoot brain way bullet kill water will body sink depths end me clean up coroner funeral gone disappeared world stepfather never super close grown father apart since death mother alone life wanted put someone might read since one talk to