cant visualize scenario end ending life sooni picked lot kid home by everyone school where id fight back get suspended blamed home merely defending myself around  dad beat living shit nothing since ive reliving every bad thing ever happened mind approached folks depression desire kill myself responded amusement arrogance ive never stopped fantasizing killing anyone else crossed life despite this successful tour navy thought feelings behind went home start school now years tour odd credits great gpa year ive dropped  classes despite repeatedly trying get back top gear  wonderboy  living hell middle year roommate a guy twice age tried moving couple lbs pot across country got caught took rap bailed paid lawyer lingers pretrial limbo tried  love weed moral issue selling worlds best drug  profits would enough live while course fact wonder could fucking stupid gi bill enough live of im desperate job cant find anything least get seasonal work fedex afternoon im going get longest knife drive chest bleed rio grande someone finds body ive tried treating depression ptsd from iraq war shipboard experiences involving fire since total mental breakdown last december in fact pretty much every year time since getting out really hate talking clinical types say fucking things drugs perscribe ive tried zoloft prozac make feel like im dying im far old friends ive reconciled little folks live part country frankly little late them stick buddy took rap hes person outside service would ever anything like me opposed talk mom hearing voice nails chalkboard hearing opinions life makes want grab neck slam head wall remembering acted needed listen back day im sick matter good im doing theres still endless spinning conflict people even head ill screaming arguments fights inside mind minutes hours catch try remember things really bad even so ever pretended make connection people result feel like never get longterm relationship girl hard im good boyfriend general aspects cant keep long one person course time spend someone novelty wears become distant strange leave hurt anyone ive tried finding work feel like alien everywhere go every trip hunt job uses gas money food money way getting back severely reduce gi bill comes final time end month ill enough maybe help rent bills nothing left anything with get job im going strength keep going much want die free feelings constantly struggling everything im asked either getting nothing losing head ruining opportunity dropped every single class semester girl nearly ran highway flipped off chased way campus full intention strangling death try tell many people worse many people either never ability ive done service people born die trapped one spot either moment lifetime still cant get feeling wanting kill myself want help want die biggest disappointment right theres nonviolent way it meds could use gun quick easy kill im pretty set either hanging tree wilderness knife thing far enough desert one able help bleed death want die house would rather die nature talk vet center therapist little different actual va guys gals even vet center contact kind broken record none therapy fixes problems beginning next month become considerably worse much debt looking horizon thinking ok ive got going work hard keep ok soon never happens everything gets worse either circumstance seeming desire fail end worthless mouthful ill end here wanted get chest glimmers feeling bad sometimes im absolutely certain sometime next year im going end it lived life least travel world experience would really worst thing light pain im feeling would rather die child risk putting himher anything like went through