sorry post orderdetailed tired keep revising write post think harder get mainly putting comes mind momentive felt way around  years never really motivation make post unsure doso experience anhedonia daily mostly feel numb without sad unless start thinking appearance things life hard time remembering thingslearning motivated get certain stuff done also anxious tic makes jerk neck around people minute feel somewhat apathetic comes dealing people emotional connections really still feel lonely sometimes hard talk people tried catting people reddit apps end always getting ghosted pretty much given since going go dead end roadi find hard return calls cousins want talk check mei sit room  playing video games daywatch videos etc pass time go sleep leave house drop packages people buy cards ebay tried going walks picking new hobbies playing family puppyetc nothing really made feel happy make day end fastermy mom keeps asking going get girlfriend wants grandkids says occasionally feels kind insulting me tells handsomeetc fat dude average face mental issuesi want get multiple cosmetic surgerys saving cards selling job possibly get interview goes well getting done would definitly boost mental health espeically comes meeting people irli talked mom sure would ok idea someone cutting face open moving things forwardplacing thingsi trying lose weight past year gained back due recent event makes want shut even morelate night march th tried rifle shooting heart ended jerking rifle left accidentally hitting sister hand wall plan anything compuslion thoughtssince event gained around lbs pretty much weight lost year became suicidal read report court trying charge attempted murder accused hallway whatever reason blind enough see hole wall sending investigator come take look making feel little better still like shit never trouble lawetc life possibly thrown straight toilet saw therapist zoom around month talked problems longer see cancelled talk deep issues last week assuming never told thoughi think going get better without taking something keep going longeris possible get medications without seeing doctor person brought mom one time cried never talked think wants medicatedagain apologize wrote order detailed make sense want get motivation tired thanks reading depressed possible get meds without doctor wall text