im doomed life eternal misery death escapeage  sexually assaulted first time naivete told dad said go room sleep never addressed it age  sexually assaulted second time wiser time age  two year long abusive relationship made petrified men loud voices sudden movements would trigger me parents best severely bullied th grade became suicidal mum found suicidal tendencies said go ahead it im watching first fullblown panic attack age  parents rubbished it said theres thing panic attack said probably much drink they like people drink theyre orthodox asians im  graduated college one best times life became independent anxiety time low well school published newspaper journal found love life professors became closest friends graduated applied eight different places job everyone reverted letter rejection last hope rejected today stuck parents place love controlling me autonomy mental health goes shit become different person nowhere else apply ive exhausted list contacts networks parents debt im exhausted ive realized happiness fleeting cruel joke job got one paid  times average sales job interested academia research said wanted follow passion fool im paying it goodbye