helpiam strong suicidal urges  years now family doesnt know depressed mindset preventing anything productive life iam currently looking fulltime job work im also webdevolopment sidemaking website small businesses etc every night strong negative emotions give feeling shame disgust selfhatred day mind wandering im daydreaming heavily one week im feeling great week want end life dont see meaning progress it know fulltime job urges disappear life normal friends lost contact them ive recently met girl making situation worse im reading much trying learn new things doesnt help neither problem focusing tasks important im straight mess alot more keeps going im going end life wanted put out thanks reading