dont think ill alive quarantine overtrigger warning csa months ago start quarantine family huge fight uncle called whore junkie loudly front everyone proceeded make lie secretly hard drugs room grandmother despite still love much proceeded back say true lied him left shocked pieces now give context fight triggered nearing th birthday demanded mom privately course uncle present little dinner celebration reason  well aware  molested around  around  remember tongue kissing like tv thats said remember took numerous baths together somehow recollection those dont know abuse went past kiss days feel extremely violated wish could remember cant part terrified remembering something awful upon receiving request uncle present birthday mom told learn separate things made little snarky comments front others broke fighting began somehow leading dad yelling top lungs saying dont love anyone parents fighting almost separating as done plenty left feeling completely fault guilty mom said escalated everything might have upset feel like sexual abuse inconvenient everyone like best ignored ever since grandmother uncle havent come visit know mom misses theyre brother mom all even brought recently couple times tell medical procedures whatnot feel like problem stands way everything would much better gone things happened day mentioned before felt like whole family united me feel like root cause all like theres something fundamentally am currently grieving relationship grandmother love much still miss dearly wish could give big hug right tell things time im hurt helped uncle lie order cover abuse wont believe me never apologized made attempts contact either hurts everyday months go im unable anything dont study dont exercise im pretty unbearable around mental health decaying nothing done event anything everyday hate keeping quiet dad comes home drunk another episode ensues mom fighting yelling wont bore details escalated trying push ground two younger siblings bearing witness everything dad saying unable love anyone calling names saying love drama etc in response fact recording whole thing case physical abuse escalated night ended relapsing back old self harm habits clean around year weeks pass pretending nothing happened like everything parents didnt separate per usual  say theyll it might sound pretty could witness threats know theyre toxic kids get tired it mom tells happened cause unfaithful ok cut pretty quickly dont want hear it told cheated past i  ended feeling guilty like tell dad  did slapped across face day turned yes dad took side constantly says im true friend happened anyways brushed off im bringing say problem boundaries also fibromyalgia autoimmune issues ive also made feel guilt years shes recently told shes afraid dying could spread organs im sure feel isnt first time ive told something like this father like her often fall bad habit using problems excuses ive seen attempt redflag twice mustve around  saw ambulance take away knew tried do child wasnt sure react think went play friends day unbothered second time different  woke go school hear breathing horribly loud room remember came bed middle night crying hugged me cant seem find live anymore said half awake didnt get then mumbled reassurances went back sleep needless say heard breathing heart dropped cpr ambulance came afterwards put intensive care unit induced coma ill never forget seeing tubes nose bloated up laying hospital bed come really close dying so parents throw face sick is hurts like nobody could ever understand bring redflag attempts says im using her fine again lets keep pretending like nothing happened hospitalized redflag attempt  went trauma nurses clinic put tube urethra twice mood stabilizers wouldnt let pee bad reaction pretty mean whole thing wanting pee full bladder able torture psychiatrist also went way call manipulative make fun cuts arms im honestly still still trouble peeing today gives little ptsd calm bladder convince body let out today boyfriend two years broke up simply unbearable moody depressed mess sleep time overreact huge fight said im abusive dont get better hes right dont feel manipulative self victimizing even typing following im say but cannot get better cant maybe im meant live yes passing would make people sad ultimately would best common denominator everyone wants stay away fromlash at tried therapy feels pointless ive diagnosed ocd bpd diagnosis well one done  current therapist unsure of one feels really accurate times tried treating sense self sadness control like life telling stop trying fault bpd manipulative cant help blame myself love boyfriend want try fix dont want abuser better stay away best friend person really spoke feel truly alone friends rarely talk mostly fault im really bad keeping touch dont think make quarantine phase im getting worse worse dont balls yet hope build eventually maybe another episode happen finally set off maybe longer go without grandmother boyfriend ill finally realize much dont deserve love life myself know cats love nobody dote like do sister love me know will loves enough that even though im pretty crappy sister like everything else dont even know going this feel rotten feel like time go im sorry everyone ive hurt im sorry everything ive caused edits grammar