know write this searched redflag cameup sorry belongsorry english wall post accumulating feeling month feel like breaking apart wish could tell things know would make upset brother older brother suffers chronic depression also suffer it somehow less affected him due work move recently since then able sleep well see brother treated self harm multiple times even disappeared once refuses get treatment one would talk home gone going talk him scared nights days scared wont see anymore next time travel home breaks heart funny always end fighting hates put feet front car hate short temper adjust taste something talk him notices that try hard notices love him admire him wish sick one him always smartest one everybody admires including me always proud big brother instead always dumb stupid useless would waste notices sorry sometimes loose temper him feel lying time fooled mother truly loves us notices mother craves one hugs kisses always mentions it brother notice scared loose you liked called today sorry broke tears least seemed worried liked that truly did told missed you told thing hope miss too wish could speak often invite something like instead feel like keep pushing you cant wait go saturday know would like hugged you want know really miss you crying nights today worst thinking maybe didnt exist would happier die would miss me please brother smile bit want worried much please brother take care yourself