hi new guy herecaution big wall text sorry bomb guys this scroll past spoiler unless post really grabs attention ampxb please bear facts chronologically inconsistent wrote almost word essays pressed back phone twice laptopkeyboard guy also  morning lonely incredibly lonely also if someone wants move somewhere else please read post once feeling lazy please want look put inline link markdown writing post two fucking hours hi know exactly place introduce myself fact posting sub first time life years lurking say lot itself expect help perhaps venting would make feel better never wanted kill myself least  hour still dont blabbering here reason fear death fact thing afterlife thats thing even believe afterlife would ramble here fear would stand side watch fear what will get back later post exactly motivation port storm lets begin yes preamble boy going long post things want tell myself  fully functional depressed person diagnosed   never went therapy meds support ever  son alcoholic man tortured family physically mentally point mother would died killed herself whichever happened first twisted fate happened things hope good thing person hates mankind passion would rarely see seriously weak baby clear would grow mess  introvert obvious intj mbt scale  rather high iq low eq memory sharp curse thankfully showing signs wear starting memory loss  come conservative countryor rather world important piece information add context lot things tell yall  degree computer science national level university acceptance rate less stanford without exaggerating  make millions this one sake information mean shit me  personification fake smile go day break doorway room coming back believe me realize smiles fakeyes real thing reality sinks hits hard  biggest overthinker ever know orders magnitude average overthinker lose hours thinking physically abused lot seen women home get abused have however besides mental abuse watching stuff childhood quite bit mental one childhood well adulthood countries moving option young age much used blast music ears  hours overpower brain stopping overthinking think acceptable survival option teenager besides drowned voices parents arguing rather father time could understand people already good repressing memories thoughts believe kids get unconscious getting beaten shed tear one them here kickerfirst many post even shit lived whole life never told anyone why fuck telling this tired listening hey everyone problems need focus good this shall pass karen fuck right went half  family did would long dead worse starting give hope death permanent respite even this rather prodigious disciple school entering multiple quizzes winning all brain high schooler year old boy recipe disaster took mr humble bragger inside mind always wanted kill me outside number things biggest one girl always come national level exams high school take people people hype it night second exam father stood top house piss drunk made scene oh tell diagnosed severe clinical depression months this exam wanted prove certain someone would stare food hours never eat sleep days outright disobeyed teachers point would even repeat answers them believe many times man threatened family redflag while mother would simply tell us  go sleep today either man literally tying noose right pulling shit since early teenage top  country fucking exameyeballing it might even higher mean shit thing is everyone knew something wrong expected national topper never meant that bearable mind started killing serious gtlt gti want let cutting chase beginning doubt anyone read thislt gtlt gtgtshit coming points buckle uplt  gtso fell girl  yes  no hair balls  waited  years telling anyone fucking planetlt  gtmessed confession idea hard talk someone scared shitless response scared hands would frozen cold middle summer afternoon seriouslylt  gtbecame creeplt  gti showed girl even family knows feelings her showed feelings everywherelt  gti proved authenticity feelings stood ground think young ones know love never child never allowed childhoodlt  gtalways fucked attempting talk her intentions clear language alone loveboy cringed hard word needs two persons know kind talking aboutlt  gtboth went uni separate ways fucked colossally neither following attempting reestablish communication always believed bullshit idea going back accomplished something mind every fucking secondlt  gtyes every second would dreams life would wake middle night devastated realitylt  gti plainly avoided attemptslt  gtalso note girl wasis notorious cold careerminded fall love type least others saw believe that believe human  immune falling anotherlt  gtall trying prove earning potential her showoff way internal pact made myselflt  gtthis girl would fall anyone else last saw her heart still believe it yes baseless one standing her someone else saying know best bet life it even years changed anything change things level convictionlt gtso fuck would chase her clearly type sure hell interested nope bad sounds i hope is type second kicker ever liked girl her people would literally catch staring me teachers spotting us catching avoiding others glances whatnotlt gtno girl right mind would let stalker walk home every day unless scared him even would last longer couple days given  needed tell someone anyone would dealt with stalker her would walk home many days lt gtit told do care much me different religions parents would never allow it may get killed thought every boy brother ten steps later road given promotiondemotion rank friendlt gtbullshit fall someone nothing stop you period heart always believed make impossible happen least did last saw real  reduced online stalker let presence know feelings getting reciprocatedlt gti literally gave doctor dreams close her delayed uni  whole yearslt gthold horses say clearly interested you move on let tell somethinglt gti felt her made girl yes possible believe me overthinker says wants someone means thought person interest enough repeatedly wished would either never met never existedlt gti one thing clear mind give everything her let put things points helps getting points acrossfucking unintended punlt  gtmy university degree  years absolute hell teachers would fail sight friends thousands miles away family girllt  gtevery talent have ones know ones dont chess violin archery computer stuff photography knowledge anything else think oflt  gtall friends  numberslt  gteverything ever wanted want italia  spyder gadgets gear hobbieslt  gtdreams want normal life girllt  gti would say life would defeat purpose fucking wall text efforts every comfort have readywilling walk two thousand miles show still given up even eyes meet  secondlt gtthat brings us rather close timeline literally went uni one goal come alive got rather good job gave internship company gave fulltime offer would give enough money thought would prove even lovesick brain like mine melt gtshe doctor even job people tell still way average well long run lost hope believe ever succeed want help family always did it reason live reason survivelt gtand want survive whatever wounds time healed see scars skin left lost get morning chainsmoke reds drink whiskey like water smoke enough pot make guy double weight pass out thrice still stop thinking herlt gti often find funny people find soulmates easily sometimes simply look sky wondering done wrong fate smiled even once actually even agolt gti understand even get world or past would change never hoped change brought simple ideology leave family make fate gifted one broken might able confuse anything elselt gti much misfortune life something good happens today get scared know something bad happenlt gtmy college harsh last job horrible evicted lost wallet everything inside it literally calculated pennies attempts save money least give family two thousand miles home two thousand miles herltlt actually wanted let topics apparently woman occupies biggest space head would like write again companionship biggest issue failed list items made deal myself live family fate taking things away one another years left hatred people regrets die right obviously but recently started seeing making past   literally verge giving life hoping next one thing exists would better great thing hold to name hope know long stop wanting kill immediately kind see becoming probability near future started believing everyone supposed survive life hope someone understood meant that edit wanted put lovesick section spoilers hide it much work took good  hours write want let anymore me