understand whyall ive ever wanted loved thought awhile marriage two beautiful children would again  years could longer pretend everything jolly husband worked away home lot used time act still single kids inconvenience anything relationship year thought ready another lonely doubts anyone would want change that man came along online told everything wanted hung fear may never find anyone else want me short lived relationship long enough drive wedge children myself never forgive that since realised quite capable need man order survive children come back cant help thinking scar never heal us interaction far relationships go however never lasted one fellow visiting monthsyear told amazing beautiful woman wished hed met twenty years earlier faded away thats seem do fade away never seen again demanding woman im easy going like argue strong beliefs opinions defend expect man think everything attracting wrong type change right never pretended someone im hold attention me honest good communicator sense humour see positive things people yet sit alone tell wonderful person like first others also happen right feel like im old overweight ugly wanted anyone thats damn lonely place live ive suffered depression many years getting help that able keep smoother path occasional pothole turn bottomless pit anymore never seem able climb see horizon either tend self sabotage go doctor never wanted one complain give poor vibe play feel time hope getting rut tell crisis thing better always another crisis struggle get bed days cant see things getting better even bother whats point kids could fine without me fact take care way around makes feel like burden no felt suicidal many years understand everything take much effort fight everything nothing ever comes easy simple why me