want happyhello im  years old title says want feel happy im going major rough patch right now whole laundry list issues backstory ill try condense all tldr bottom start right now moment kill myself much live right now two cats one im owner hes ever bare leave cat behind sister dad mom died us  back  ill get later since lot this anyway couldnt imagine leaving cat children behind let alone dad sister went grief losing mom also lost dear friend redflag day graduated high school killed sister made swear never that kept around thankfully also friends godda stick around well anywho onto laundry list problems start ive got mild autism used severe mom real cheerleader throughout life got help needed problem couldnt teach socialize like normal child could stop children seeing kinds nasty things hindsight understand perspective quite gross back then still kinda back pretty disgusting haha also socially inept id say lot stupid things stupid things still ive learned somewhat normal functional im transgender born female started transitioning    mom basically told phase true finally co worker time told shed end losing believe she trans daughter almost lost reason end mom got together accepted me little know id end losing her onto dead mom subject passed away  due liver failure slid alcoholism basically let consume her year slowly drank death liver handle anymore combined prior health issues died got mommy issues godda deal im trying man hard really hard lose one cheerleader life one really gave damn one fought could fight yourself poof gone onto shit im depressed course got lots anxiety im depressed many many reasons weather living familys expectations current position life im currently working of feeling regretful things past cant let go of half boy half girl atrocity in eyes know others see way see trans people way everybodys beautiful im exception lol stuff like that also quit smoking cigs maybe whole thing due know im anxious everything basically finding new stable job going meeting people person etc thats tip iceberg thats suppose haha even get started suicidal ideations stuff think redflag multiple times day whole plan i get here carry out maybe someday im old not get told permanent solution temporary problem believe sometimes time cant think positives come it remember redflag affected friends family one way another hell moms death redflag close drank feelings away never told anybody pain towards end gave up im getting point too mean ill kill myself no wont ill stay im looking forward seeing comments anyone reads this honesty peopleanimals life wouldve ended long time ago rather feel happy current state existance feel unhappy feel depressed even though great life alone even though good family wonderful friends even therapist anxious even though world isnt bad idk im full mess even gotten everything question is why cant happy why life kinds wonderful things life know issues work everyday solvinggetting bottom themmanaging them feel way feel unmotivated anything even though much do feel like cant trust anybody info even though theyre supportive me want feel peace want feel peace head want feel happy havent felt true happiness long miss feeling miss feeling forgetting every care world enjoy moment peace clarity one since like  reality poor lower class kid living home single mom overachiever sister black sheep everything am became much worse mom died dad took us show love support get wrong loves supports me hes forward emotions nobody family makes feel bad feel like hiding within me anyway way get bottomless pit hopelessness feel okay again feel form happiness peace within me made far thank you means lot me cant go anybody fear itll get back family threatened take hormones away im hrt breakdown again take care friends tldr depressed autistic trans guy looking happiness inner peace cant find even though nice life