happening againthis something posted  years ago i know start perhaps  years ago feel someone tried deny convince feelings girl past ran away rejection heavily impacted me know go part life dealt disconnecting people connected best method allowed go  years ago cannot run away time sister married older brother even wedding day groomsman bridesmaids theyre even first child soon everything felt like pain felt past lead defining turning point reassured truly felt  years ago lingering feelings trying find companionship settling beyond that changed me felt motivated life change become better man her unsuccessful finding job career path thought studied become real estate agent work hard hopefully build courage confess her one day started going gym frustrated inability best could times wanted change wanted better person her found out started seeing someone someone work serious seems like gentle wonderful person calm easy that someone loves ever since found out smallest things tells makes break heavily family hints sure exactly refuse talk ive started insomnia  ive even started hallucinating peoples voices become white noise see her ive become traumatised even stopped looking job know soon causing hope someone runs red light causes car accident death looks accidental die alcohol poisoning even asked god kill me first going move overseas him thought happens would drug die sleep overdose excited wanting move him even said soul mate ive even consoled felt betrayed matters even told stay him honestly loves him love her want happy recently heard analogy redflag like burning building ive wanted jump long time thought id run burning building hoping ill make through thought could try go rest life knowing capable feelings another ever again thought could it but cant could id make everyone forget ever existed cause pain die even prayed god im religious anything hope exist listened would take pain suffered sadness may suffer life im soon become uncle think see little niece nephew grow up want happy want grow more loved fulfill dreams married kids shes  grand children always beautiful smile infectious laugh deep eyes cheeks red shes embarrassed soon ever see ever again even write this ive broken three times know cannot go on im ready im scared death itll quick scared of life life without her  years gone yet broke person still going go really love her ive trying make peace myself  part me says truly love her let go america ok  know know leaves shell never return write this incase really last words always love you forever always r love ecks