mental barrierhonestly ive stopped trying get better ive sick coming  years learnt disabled time too im getting tired waiting out what dependant parents rest life never achieving anything im slow instead sick theres better me coping care anymore used fantisize dying natural disaster getting hit drunk driver anything blamed for realised nothing guaranteed happen unless hand fantasies trains bleeding out pills ive become realistic since understand whats plausible me honestly feel im ready mentally im ready just dont act it reason handful halfarsed od attempts sure nothing likelihood success theres difficulty feels like near impossibility taking whats head making real point want feel like even failure it used scared admitting it ive told doctors think want it multiple times hey long dont actually it problem since feel afraid one surprised whenif happens thing left figuring remove barrier bring want thought much actuality idea makes hate more every time think act feels like personal failure