serious  wanted say outi always end rambling writing long paragraphs im grateful whoever takes time read it ever since ex committed redflag ive seeing viable option often talked two years amicable ending still hit hard really feel like theres nothing life passionate long enough im unable get emotionally close anyone matter much vulnerable open facade put attract people first used social anxiety used method acting way assuage it never actually solved underlying issues last week fight one guy friends although apologized soon and well told expect responsive while proceeded basically ignore next days honestly think acting much differently i typically greet people sparingly theres odd atmosphere us now although still talk me theres air avoidance surrounding us often times meet eyes im absolutely terrified bringing happened past times tried exes feel selfish thinking fear might going through getting closer too although messaged freaked started feeling known way snapped back mirrored past cycles ive caused id find reason instantly widen distance person i even ended regretting fought first place roommate already stopped talking this guy someone actually started value honest though need mention things probably stems constant desire improve develop way regardless whether process embarrassment discomfort actually change anything within time around time im also scared possibility even care much around anyway even though im probably giving vibe too really values existence think anyone aside from customarily family would care died might shocked sure id probably forgotten long after thoughts while really realize extent dysfunctional coping mechanisms besides rational idea burdening family grief andor financial issues burying though thing thats stopping eating disorder im recovered anorectic worse feel turn losing weight distract me actually help immediate emotions immensely yet know even makes less unhappy brings closer death passively carried out ive read places suggest volunteer find way give back others honest feeling helped someone never stuck long enough make difference mood part social anxiety came feeling inability listen respond peoples emotions properly worked that emotionally helping part became default state yet face vulnerabilities lose completely demonstrated story above overall feel like live stuck cycle years come also deal working job likely come despise nagged parents getting married im   college mind  theyre already asking stick boyfriend half year like said thoughts redflag really severe others see here mean invalidate anyone whos going tougher issues appreciate anyone actually reads though