decided write future redflag note people care about first one brother islast night spent little hour writing redflag note brother intend making one everyone care  people sure im really going go certainly serious ever it sure want expect community posting maybe someone see realize lot worse reconsider redflag is jason crazy really grow together later life got close  years apart went life differently kids earliest memories living garage ltredactedgt vividly remember time mom made dinner kept calling come snapped feel like eating back somewhere  going mental health issues child thought jerk now totally understand feels crippled mental health another memory necessarily involve much involves jeff ltredactedgt back  first started hanging together driving relatively new ford mustang girlfriend moving said girlfriend sweet job working ltredactedgt outside looking appeared living dream remember thinking i really wish jason would get shit together like jeff could totally life time really anything going on think working bloomingdales something today proud big brother im proud become passion career something cant even fathom life truly found niche life confident one time greats do big brother want know appreciate you may argue fight disagree thats brothers supposed do hope resentment toward did spent better part last  years life complete agony everyday struggle days others imagine every single day life thinking going die multiple times day cant enjoy things people like enjoy crippled make yourself cant go drinks amount disoriented feel causes think incoming stroke heart attack aneurysm cant even think going vacation anywhere fear far away hospital die catastrophic medical emergency take place simply driving anywhere outside normal  mile radius causes distress nearest hospital eating smoking drinking water basic lifes necessities caused anguish would get lightheaded dizzy fatigued various physical symptoms anytime menial tasks time could escape felt sleep latest therapist asked how know done treatment little taken back question take long answer told knew was almost decade spent living way living know enjoyed doing know enjoy doing knew panic anxiety knew things would trigger feelings would avoid them unbeknownst me ended happening world became smaller smaller smaller know liked camping not knew last decade camping put far away society hospitals help act camping necessarily bother me panic brought made like camping day never camped fear logic could applied many parts life know like hawaii snowboarding fishing really anything remotely took small comfort zone like things would fuel anxiety panic simply put know ocmike was know ocmike liked like know mikes passions life im saying  lifes questions answered saying however  one able identify enjoyed doing made happy made continue life me know know anyone could tell enjoyed liked good reason feel commonalities anyone except people anxiety decided recently go find new friends figured would start meetupcom basic premise type things enjoy things would like common users would match like minded group people drew blank  groups activities going day surely would group searching hours even figure liked doing appear liked anything lived battle demon inside me every single day imagine living like  years  life jail cell inside myself spent arguably greatest time ones life shell myself felt like since august  permanent solution temporary problem temporary problem likely problem face way rest life think losing battle lost  thousands won stress anyone nothing contribute decision nothing could prevent making decision decision make myself spent many months debating this long would allow live like prisoner long would lived like this get upset think took easy way out seriously ask yourself long would live like this ive tried best could paint picture life last  years think things enjoy life imagine tomorrow every day believe going rest life cant enjoy them cant travel cant eat drink smoke without kind panic friends thing think need go home might pass die heart attack cant go sporting events cant mall long would allow live like this  different medications  therapists  psychiatrists nothing seemed work things almost felt like getting worse better long would for decided long ago today would final day think sad time rather happy time finally live like anymore longer trapped suffocating panic anxiety love much bro keep you except nicer mom got  damn good job given circumstances actually great job raising us  kids lot impressive considering circumstances ps  mom going beyond upset need take care little bit dont get frustrated her love her hold her let know truly loved would understand did me