cant get ex cant get himok im point think talk this feel fucking stupid getting worked someone barely know ampnbsp love interest met tinder started talking originally planned hook up dirty maybe hang bit relationships strings attached nothing committing type point life since travels lot much point relationship game this ive already hooked people tinder casual one night stands started messaging back forth meeting up getting know bit other etc really interesting started getting excited see texted me loved sound voice bit scottishbritish accent sounded exotic kind really liked photos profile friend put him thought going go really well set date meet pub arrived really expected hey tinder right got talking drinks together initially attractive thought he grown facial hair since photos bit outgoing tastes getting along hed put hands mine touch face nuzzle me affectionate even though bit awkward first drinks came like it got back place sex etc thought hed get leave ended staying night ampnbsp talked him liked him wed goof around lot made laugh cried hes one funniest charismatic guys id ever met everything say interesting fascinating everything him places hed been things hed done views life treated really well always thinking needs first making laugh gently holding me always touching me stroking me cuddling me said weird girl one adorable cute girls hed ever known gorgeous told like put down needed stop worrying much stop apologizing time made really happy moment handsome guy attracted inside wanted cuddle me always hed come wherever went talk me made feel loved wanted needed held hand stroked face gave kisses refused let go made feelcontent dress put makeup impress him single thing except myself could see truly was everything me inside personality got chance shine happy body well ampnbsp cuddling nearly slipped said i love you habit know boyfriend snuggling absent mindedly cooing one another say i love you contented sigh stopped myself since well met i love you really something say said already knew going say think crazy first time something like happened apologized said i cant love you yet love person like lot great said that made heart skip little hated it started crying told knew going end badly told borderline personality disorder ultimately fear abandonment get attached deeply quickly also mentioned wanted let feelings love developing soon die told feelings bad thing wanted feel them feel them mind long understood commit time life traveling reasons feel way yet know desperate ignorant excited what accepted happy hear say i love you back me even meaning hold weight promised would never hurt me loved human being person even together sense lovers wanted part life wanted friend gentle since wonderful person felt heart hearts meant it sure anyone ability lie buti truly felt meant it did still does days went on spent time together staying one night one another turning two three four happy room him never ran things talk to never left side felt tranquil peace life grew attractive eyes every way even though known long felt like best friend someone known life everything unidentifiable familiar quality went pubs together went eat went walks went many events art festival town good content many years despite fact allergies started acting contracted staph infection parents the community live town rampant mrsa still texted often hosts house days tying loose ends figuring travel east end week like planned ampnbsp decided spend one last night together left ex texted nowhere sent blind panic told together several years broke  separate times emotionally unstable blackmailed manipulated staying attempting threatening redflag stopped loving started antidepressants despite this never thought ill her loved anything always unconditionally told every time gotten back touch always ended back together im freaking fuck out chance picture now was sick rage tears completely shattered felt robbed chance even began try told also reason commit still loved ex probably always would closest person whole entire life closer family even though together knew shed never again and shouldnt get back together sake still hopelessly love deserving unconditional love well then told touch anymore touched me tried comfort me harder falling wanted feelings desperately die want feel anything anymore wrong wrong want fall trap again told know could ever commit relationship even future me anyone firmly believed still love ex sure hed ever get her understood family member friend lover falling outs with fights with never really forget them even years later feelings still hes  hes younger years may wise mark be likes think rationally emotionally knows cant get back together her still theres lot emotion lot tension feel like im living shadow ex love interest said cared me lot ex hed heart beat cares great deal situation causing pain too wanted friends promise wed ever together know could get it hurt me else could do wanted cut life completely might answer still partially want since every time think heart hurts think lot growing do ampnbsp hes left east train now offered take travels could come time wanted to really wanted to cant said hes probably good me ever make long term plans schedules hitchhikes couch surfs drinks lot loves dangerous situations lots socializing strangers one favorite things go super crowded pub shoulder shoulder locals chat strangers make new contacts sorts things worst nightmare now im looking back rational standpoint probably in love him probably desperate needy human connection someone want me tender me make feel special needed that incredibly handsome cute though good bed even well endowed average best thats generous always took needs consideration first hes heavy drinker heavy partier care consequences lives life recklessly cant this could ever thrives danger unknown never plans never cares takes life one day time survives gets by cant either could ever although parts personalities overlap lot goals views world same different people left feeling alienated abandoned times want admit even short time him less aware craving love human affection gentleness tenderness alone year without things daydreamer hopeless romantic needy clingy wanting passionate intense something like dropped lap gave it even though knew horrible idea would end pain desperate anxious chance matter dismal odds could happiness again towards wasprobably infatuation liked idea represented want need adventure breaking chains bind traveling world seeing sights experiencing life offer saw me looks completely inconsequential saw soul needed even need it treasure looking find turned blind eye many cons blissfully drinking ignorance moment felt high situation way lied intentionally hurt me circumstance once person person im fighting killing feelings him trying keep alive slightest tiniest chance years now might able try again meantime itd hurt constantly knowing hes talking ex thinking ex love distant afterthought since hes still obsessed cant live that even just friends ive distanced time being need time grieve heal still entirely know make feel im angry betrayed heartbroken frustrated im many things once since writing this ive given final phone call summed mentioned post told cannot even stay friends damaging right now hurts much fucking much think best ampnbsp tldr bpd sorts attached guy barely knew scared whats next scared self harming tendencies suicidal thoughts happened