hate existing cant take anymore cant get person ever able connect toi able get first relationship ive ever had almost decade person ever able feel anything for cant stop obsessing her recently found might something called limerence want make stop cant dont know do know pathetic cant eat move sleep cant get bed really anything resembling functioning person  therapists psychiatrist psychoanalyst and psychologist life advocate spent time residential day mental hospitals ive sent wilderness program  months spent year therapeutic bonding school will bounced around  high schools held back year could function depression take  medications day  sleeping pills night rarely get sleep pop ups dreams makes worse almost embarrassed ashamed main problem causing many waves life im  feel like years life stolen depression live home cant get job go school choose this cant fucking anymore need stop every day look revolver bought think terrifying unknown nonexistence seems better constant pain live with horrible existential dread fear death struggle think everyone dies eventually even sun eventually die consume earth even whole universe eventually retract self end existence reality know it seems like better option take inevitability hands unfeeling universe creates things consume them  story met girl small artsy alternative high school around lets say  so course months became really good friends knew completely love her worked courage tell felt started dating girl little weird love either notice didnt care examples are phase wearing wolf tail thinking kind animal spirt something wore lord rings cloak lot time bit another phase transgender new thing one alternate personality named shadow hated me on seemingly switching old one get attention bother time person ever felt kind connection entire life dont know due fact adopted dont feel anything real connections people family ive never real friends either social skills knowledge make them never found anyone wanted connect beyond surface level interaction dont currently friends even anyone talk anyone outside house beyond basic interactions people buying things passively existing world girl something something made feel complete felt better motivation things accomplish could even tried absolute hardest move grade could get school time thought spending year without time horrible thing could imagine current psychoanalyst thinks sensory issues spd part autism spectrum stuff have main issue may may true know person ever wanted touch touched by mainly sexual thing ive never liked hugged touched family anyone else made feel even isolated parents slightly distant sad hated people physically showing affection never wanted it different loved could never get enough point im sure annoyed would push away physically emotionally pull back constantly although never actually sex thats detail help think things would make happy think things want main thing pops constantly hug her nothing more hold long could lounge feeling someone also friend group seemed value relationship times would publicly break stay secretly even put phone contact fake name unattractive kind person people would feel shame around normally something head group seeing differently seeing girl something although want get it high school boys want play finger fencing girl  desperately trying touch breast would often break things devastated me come back letting win back want put like that mainly trying talk thinking friends ignoring altogether russia lived mom assume father issues obsessed knives weapons took many different fighting martial arts classes even medical sword fighting course again time seemed cool anything would talk hours hours got know incredibly well although things would never tell things found analyzing things facebook yeah pre facebook remember that details almost like wanted people follow breadcrumbs learn personality constantly gave gifts mostly specialized knives weapons some mildly illegal desperate show felt form kind powerful bond would harder break quite bit talking wasnt person though texting messaging also  breakups happened never face face one particularly devastating time came parents made easter basket never gotten one life fun time weekend next thing heard something trying push away often spent night others houses think non americans accepting parents knew important me never full one sex desperate literally sleep her literally cuddle bed sleep wake up thats it never got to although fair amount cuddling again loved handful relationships since despite best efforts could never care way feel anything for truly loved girl sadly still do finally ended good one summer spent entire day together talking apologizing hurting many times promising never break things again guessed it break next morning fucking text caused  year old write verry angry violent letter spread around school sparking would become multi year downfall seen maybe  times years since always writing long winded letter planning elaborate meeting designed rekindle feelings get foot back door russian restaurant presented sword ring made accepted time mailed back ever get full sized sword rejection letter mail recently saw months ago asked help explained life mental state gave full control time place etc picked city square used meet took basically walking tour landmarks tired memories uncanny mean literally every single one boston relatively small city sure could met anywhere all picked square met infront library walked park finally told felt even ended abandoned hotel ballroom hard explain used go time hang out powerful times spent together claimed remember purpose hard time would forget that took edibles medical card bought cry infront talked this boy backfire took one to one own even offer one claimed did come man quite bullshit weak ones too similar note first time real sexual contact together smoked weed fake weed plus never inhaled correctly bong got full hit high way matters drugs fake plan anything taking advantage could get real weed time really wanted seem cooler was looking back and time thought seemed needed excuse bogus catalyst act feelings me believe feelings stronger ever allowed realize wanted believe again like edibles seemed like need fake reason act buffer people objective reality someone dealing severe alcoholism drug addiction understand craving need put something reality seems weird point want obsession stop didnt want choose this cant get fucking thing head really running life still cant make stop point understand objectively horrible person claimed caused obsessive behavior others met one online long time ago little girl went school kind pheromone thing animal magnetism charisma still even last meeting something makes feel whole feel like physical hole heavy weight center torso never goes away currently using parents money travel job dads shady russian tech company really unhealthy poliamerus sexual relationship  guys seems built around commit center attention times really cant see future happy without her know unlikely healthy horrible person thats really want