curious people went trough similar experience also sometimes wonder behind blue self inflicted deaths stands similar urgei try make tight possiblei mid twenties married traveling eastern hemisphere stops photography happy life care free lots funone morning woke small appart sidney husband already left work he is photographer wella quiet fairly normal morning remember took coffee first went directly shower  showering felt monstrously strong sudden never felt desire grab razor nearby sink cut veins bit prehistory would like give bit depth previous life beautiful calm childhood loving understanding parents sibling adventurous  successful early adulthood working enjoying profession still till unpleasant encounter abusive boyfriend four years ago constitute biggest crise ever trough underestimate subsequent redflag  enough time help time get it never depressed suicidal time vent happened usual good mood great energy excitement future working really good images remember welltill today cannot figure camestanding shower feeling like possessed fought hard knew real god wildly strong remember strange almost metal like taste mouth stopped shower went front mirror started slapping self strong took minutes urge started dissipate felt stabilized  dressed went out walked sunny street nearby shop bought first snickers  reason never one previously  big one peanuts tasted like heaventhe feeling gone went lab husband printing work told story  bit shocked  think got truly happened quite afraid urge might hit again never did took years self observation slightest reminder taste else now wonder urge happened dark moment would strength resist much later life  sharing moment close friend told story friend his middle aged woman visiting new apartment buy entering salon felt insane desire hang ceiling lustrelampes beyond fear strong barely contained herselfcould explanation sudden suicides  ones person happy hours taking hisher lifewhat it hit me precise moment like mental virus externalor encoded brain psychics biding timeif anyone trough similar experience feel like sharing welcome thanks reading totally unexpected desire kill self warning fight mn went happen  years ago never came back