theres pointive failed launch fucked much life im intelligent cant even sit write coherent piece feels like really encompasses want existence over something really feels like coming heart know problem is im able emotionally connect anything outside world anymore even writing theres point going on im never going accomplish anything im never going smart enough good anything particular shit really retain information try learn anyways might well gotten high school diploma like remember shit learned school anyways real clarity cant even remember specifics skills used use previous jobs skills study train for even jobs fucking fuzzy shit all probably damaged brain drugs drinking matter ive stopped now damage done credit bad driving record bad im debt never finished school never got training proper career anyone thinks ive got deal shit make phone calls need make plan im going future need solve issues even definable solutions them got another thing coming life impossible im willing throw water anymore choose sinking swimming even know perfectly well swim im willing deal situation ive gotten in im willing deal mark bad credit im willing deal figure training schooling conjunction im going make ends meet order pay bills im willing deal shit existence pain is interact people pain prove employers pain deal shame situation pain waking every morning pain willing longer ruminate life life shit happy willing try happy reject happiness reject feeling it reject love care compassion ever mask outside world mask wear order get by mask probably accomplish need to still probably look like little retard everyone probably still look like pathetic fucking loser never born earn respect others born derided looked upon people see see better me intelligence  skill passion intelligence nothing world courage die exactly need need courage put end shit without feeling afraid still slog on absolute bare minimum somewhat responsible myself know why im still afraid die mean want live life pain life torture get shit together follow life responsibly torture want responsible anything im sick existence way ever happy possible nothing happy about gets harder every day trying keep together public work give shit give shit im fucking unintelligent give shit im fucking unintelligent functioning member society want die sleep wake reality get many hours day shitty fucking brain try make life better pursuit give shit anymore better better alive better see another person ever again better never think one second money ever again better never think legal responsibilities anymore responsibilities myself better never think solve problem better never think going order put better situation better never lift another finger task labor better never learn anything ever again better dead better courage necessary end life quickly painlessly possible