think every day refuse go would familylike title says struggled heavy depression last  years  months ago whole life plan wrecked id moved different state follow plans friends feel distant day date romantic interactions since november feel invisible radioactive time thinking lot killing myself thought past depressed lately ive thinking heavily details how when best way least impact family folks know struggling wrestling thoughts think understand serious become much im still thinking it im  years old single lonely feel like dying would less painful also feel trapped refuse kill parents pass sister brother law busy family forget easily given time never considered unlovableundesirable within last  months really become convinced going alone rest life may way uglier inside initially thought thoughts realizing may alone rest life well knowing go know least impactful possible makes feel stuck idea never talked thoroughly really sorry rambling run mess  morning sort thinking things besides sentence structure bear me