promise myselfwhat saved idea redflag without idea redflag would surely killed myself allowed keep living knowing option always sight really without could never endured life cioran really hurting loneliness age considering upbringings loneliness too makes feel hopeless perhaps social development stunted truly feel less normal person literally worthless uncared unloved really want special person life want it impossible becomes knowing pass away quite painlessly makes relaxed felt disgusting loneliness  years ago nothings changed im giving  years persists make vow right right kill myself would want dreadful life caused either shitty introverted neurotic genes stunted development both go sake family would hurt sorry not imagine death general fear missing anything id already missed believe truly matters meaningful friendships relationships people respect care for tomorrow day  wake again take stimulant medication get bed attempt schoolwork hate imagine loser study engineering sleep days   reattempt everyday become sociable positive valuable  years that persists im pulling plug  more years