i wa supposed to stab myself in the heart in the desert in joshua tree in november 0 i thought i wa ready i decided not to because i realized i d probably have to stab myself more than one time and i knew i couldn t mentally handle that i felt depressed enough to stab myself but not psychotic enough to keep going especially after physical shock also part of me wanted to see if i could fix thing and it wa like i went on a mission with myself to see if life wa worth it if my life is worth living the answer is no it s definitely no i want out i want off this fucking ride i wish thing were different but they aren t i even went to the fucking hospital voluntarily for help since my last post here absolute hellhole i don t even have word for you about what happened darkest week of my life people are sick i m so much worse i can t explain what s happened it s not like gunnhild from viking but i m at the marina and someone abandoned their bonfire left it all for me i tried to give an older woman passing by the last of my cash cause she wa picking up recyclables she refused and wa sweet she said to not sit here at night she wa concerned that i m young and there s crazy people out here no offense but i m the crazy person ma am sweet lady i had asked god for a sign i got a fucking sign i told god or the universe or whatever that to commit suicide i needed to be pushed and i got just that tenfold i m proud of myself for pushing a hard a i did for lasting this long i don t need to prove to other people i fought i know i did and i can rest better knowing i kept that promise to myself i wish i had seen more of the world and visited more city but i ve had my fill of humanity i can t do it anymore i hate the way people treat each other how much bullshit is always involved i m tired worn out no amount of sleep or rest touch this kind of tired hell is hell i hope my next life is gentler i hope the tide are kinder i hope i receive love i never have to defend myself from i give myself peace now because i can not find it here my life is obligated to no one amp nothing else im truly sorry signing off from one depressed person to whoever read this what happened to me mattered finally good luck asshole