apologize english writing unclear bit rant miserable long time least relation long alive  earliest memories wanting die ish improved since find hard find keep close friends close relationship family parents extremely socially conservative take mental health seriously brother tried commit suicide back  even treated mindset issue cannot go siblings type relationship them pitted young age resentment still there feels like getting professional mental health treatment question living family even like take doctor feel like future past  months lay bed felt miserable afraid get job apply things need apply to practice get better one real extracurricular fencing nothing tell matter going reach future anyways going commit suicide but know courage so courage fix life either school starts  weeks know going completely fucked school required current resume expect constantly changing evolving nothing done nothing past year nothing show addition enrolled internship program intern local legal firms police lawyer even trying contact places afraid call cannot email none places emailed responded from month agothe one extracurricular fencing even good at started late october last year comparison peers high level ranked joke started late skills good at parents generally ignored siblings who succeed sports arts choose do encouraged little me nothing passion anythingi cannot even leave house one thing love anymore used love go walks nature cannot anymore hate going outside feeling inferior everyone even know point cannot even admit bad feel every time cannot help minimize problems cannot help feel like reason feel bad  middle class parents picture cannot help think everything listing stupid melodramatic teenage bull worth hurting which prolly not still hurts heart much hate feeling like waste potential hate feeling like over still young compare peers family see nothing cowardice waste want parents family proud much know unlikely addition lack accomplishments bisexual conservative parents as mentioned above would never accept knew hate hide know ever found would tell confused faker liar or would get rid completelyi afraid future afraid going reach alone friends family person ever proud fencing coach know sees me hate showing face around academy afraid disappointing him always going to never going good athlete know anymore thank reading hurting future coward