cant handle iti tried tried tried tried tried accomplish parents have know place much energy finding partner clock ticking everyone else family kid family age  started angry im always either angry depressed get partner happy truly happy lot people understand happiness get addicted things feel good think happiness experience take care partner cant even begin describe waterfall comfort sunlight rushing me like im needed like life purpose like im something right try hardest jackass referred rniceguys ive coiled anger ive letting slowly bits sordid degrading commentary pornographic subreddits comes sickness feel rage feel like im nothing like ill never anything lot people read listen problems take one way without even considering feelings nobody considers feelings ever ive depressed years nobody fucking cares im going tell nobody cares maybe help clear mind shoot myself severe abandonment issues severe mommy issues barely toddler woman gave birth ready fit mother still young would neglect favor parties friends dad way well suddenly awakening saw house party took away her married woman raised that except quite count one hand amount times ive hugged shown displays physical affection woman yeah yeah laugh want fucking hugged enough child something me several memories pushing try hug small shed sneer say something negative connotation child hearing words hearing tone voice good tone id often wonder wrong deserve hug oh always affectionate lovey dog shed kiss hug pet hours imagine like jealous dog getting attention felt deserved child you always best behavior effort get notice hug let like shed pet him never did late now im  good late shit im afraid physical contact except sex learned young age sex feels good suitable replacement attention getting mother constantly busy work father got good sex briefly got trouble law sex somewhat main focus life now met ex first one actually display interest rather looks cock likely met online video game why wed talk hours end killing aliens together grew close eventually blossoming relationship lasted three beautiful years loved far away rarely got visit made it told eachother things weve never told anyone including problems mothers ive never told anyone something like her held me burst tears   never held like before held close close could feel heart beating shook snotted shirt even matter her held told understood held told okay would hold always always said kept saying always way month broke  know it really dont took care sexually even together took care made sure orgasmed every day would talk try best make smile everyday part associated mommy sort figure felt good made laugh smile sudden told love anymore lovedmemorelokea friend partner friends did mention fact three years friends told always pretty much  times week and god heart broke could feel it like cold ice cold cracks splitting across heart really felt it changed thats rage started happening thats would start blacking anger getting sexual head aches sorts awful things got another partner everything wonderful again took care way took care ex better even even better stay always right good get keep always right wrong girl also said shed forever approximately six months later abandoned also explanation why next girl next next milicent found quality partnerand god damn mili best partner ive ever had one split mutually beneficial could pick back later were less busy could actually time eachother know trust go anyone else leave like but abused worse differently child understood thought actually listened talked anyways agreed would best talk completed college started college really almost year anyways thats wanted shoot brain stem earlier wanted kill earlier current partner ignoring week now honestly really liked lot sad girl made happy god feels good needed bring light someones life felt lovely abused us abused children got along together fabulously gave free reign body mind soul improved health mind set mother started grade bitch ruining everything also said something instead supportive talk me sounds trivial probably is worst feeling world guess really ds relationships well feel like failure make happy enough talking me third person ive talked troubles felt like could understand did hurts doubly ignoring me get hurt feel emotions really translates rage broken first heart break lasted long would shake hours collapse id fine one minute literally ground unable move legs breathe drowning dry land thats felt like cope sadness prevent dying body somehow learned translate emotions anger wrath pure unbridled whole body went cold vision went black also sort affect think combination heart breaking many times over lied mistreated relying anger much just even feel human feel except now feel like getting hard breathe feel like failure feel like nothing ever work out matter hard try matter much time attention devotion give partners also surrogate mommys matter always fail never enough im ever good enough really considered ending earlier started writing this going go garage get old russian officer pistol dad bought online know sure works put brain stem pull trigger im sick females lying me lie them treat every single partner ive ever like theyre going last partner thats want date marriage date marriage date heart break try hard please soothe issues try hard keep makes happy making happy always end failing get vengefuland sink wallowing wretchedness want die first time actually considered though suicide hotline pulled google know kill myself thats closest ever ending things dead worry living own worry money supplies maintaining image life style dead mymommy issues hurt so dead women bother me deadpeopleeoildmt make fun anymore say mean things me im done everything right now killed myself know theres probably least three people typing comments pathetic am maybe pathetic right almost died another human lied me sltof always lie use