know else go last resorti think handle life anymore think ever meant live long anyway always thought id kill  now am  burden family unable function adult completely miserable tired burnt existing would better everyone dead want die want try tread water anymore still feels like drowning brain constantly fogged muddled feel like im experiencing life even thoughts get shift work get car realize remember nearly anything went day suppose life monotonous forgettable like theres wall glass rest world see it mine cant touch experience it thing side glass clear coherent thoughts loneliness numbness depression college shitty community college that work feel pointless consuming im supposed want teacher ive day plans come future ones end grave energy actually pull plans redflag im much tired die mention ive developed couple eating disorders past two years first anorexia binge eating ive lost  pounds gained back half it feel disgusting unlovable control am stuck know else do im burden everyone nothing make family miserable ill never enough anyone want die im exhausted wish could die sleep know im hoping posting this know else do guess last resort vent everything event decide end it know know nearly  im wishing dead nothing left words maybe tomorrow kill me get hopes up