things one knows want look like accidenti feel like meant die young always meant kill myself thoughts death hurting frequent first remember terrible feelings even child   unloved hiding blankets crying felt place worthless time every would horrible diagnosed hypothyroidism  put hormones thought maybe would fix everything things got bad junior year college good grades classes easy me gotten wonderful scholarship gotten internship summer friends become roommates would fun together towards end year started wanting much them except maybe drink figured got drunk could escape little while fine short time went state internship things got really bad met lot nice people friend major me felt alone felt like needed harm myself exactly sure how everyone else working went fun stayed cried drank alone started taking handfuls whatever otc medications hand much anything good washing alcohol know would do figured probably die mind harming myself remember lying bed facing mirror closet door heart racing skin strangely splotchy pupils completely messed up something dumb told friend feeling doing flushed whatever otc meds toilet kept close watch me time guess felt grateful time went on wish told him want stop anything dumb importantly felt like burden hated even stressing out really talk much anymore hes married seems good life told doctor feeling put  mg citalopram really help got back college summer happy senior year living girls known since freshman year excited first tried act normal would go bars parties spend lots time together got tiring wanted stay room live alcohol hopes could forget everything hurt myself started burning curling iron im sure why thighs covered blistered burns initially left faint scars eventually disappeared really remember stopped enough remember first time cut myself know use desperation wrapped beer bottle towel hit hammer tested pieces find sharp enough one kept shard nightstand soon graduated exacto knife want bleed out want anyone know this shallowly cut upper thighs somehow watching thin cuts bleed calming made feel better still scars  years later one knows doctor increased dose citalopram guess kind helped somehow made senior year somehow got as even though missed many classes telling everyone sick guess lie think anyone knew truly wrong times year told nuts threw exacto knife would go buy another repeat cycle cutting convince im insane throw out buy another weeks later worst got codeine cough syrup clinic coughing night sleep got super drunk alone bedroom drank whole bottle upset wake next morning never applied grad school like initially planned lied everyone asked going grad school right away time home strange got crappy job particularly enjoy something afraid cut home afraid parents would go room find blade eventually cutting cycle continued id take razor blade box cutters work cut needed to throw out grab another weeks later eventually got fired ridiculous reason parents town week cut lot always made sure hide razor blade thought things would better went grad school doctor finally ended changing hormone dose think helped little felt alone friendless new city was first year grad school last time cut myself though still feel like want sometimes time grad school relatively uneventful meet boyfriend second year weve together year half love much even enough finished classes think ill ever graduate lost motivation finish everything got shitty job finished classes one pay whole lot somehow im still it guess im moron feel like half people work hate half put me certainly think would miss me even know boyfriend would miss me think hold back know something wrong me did think would gone town hes gone weeks took guns him assault rifle bed part upset took them part want shoot leave terrible mess anyway want plan right bought ton poppy seeds online right boyfriend left shook lemon juice water see could get high drank liquid felt warm eventually keep eyes open peace woke got dizzy vomited times good find seeds worked still six pounds seeds left know many use make strong tea guess could use all get really drunk tea hopefully fall asleep wake ever again cant yet though weird want die day im supposed go work plan right ill fall asleep forever day off hopefully find enough time schedule someone cover shift thankfully boyfriend coming home around day days off want walk call ambulance anything want mental hospital want lot decay anything time gets home im sure coming home bad enough experience also want drop everything come home early hear me little week left think im going leave note would nice assholes work felt bad guilty knew killed myself want people like feel guilty part want leave something reassuring people assholes give away planned want kind people blame themselves all fault me feel need clean house next week ill work next days bought huge bottle rum wash poppy seed tea hope everything goes way intend wake next wednesday morning know ill do