anything better redflagis it debate head day day out im disability various mental illnesses since  want nothing govt help completely yet ill may never able hold job dream going back college i  dropped times getting degree working job meaningful useful putting intelligence work tested iq  im genius kinda smart dilemma like or potential be great athlete potentially permanent injury specialists debate diagnosis treatments far failed except brain time sidelines life watching everything go by naturally question whether really would awesome athlete all whether world really needs one more scientist researcher academic lawyer doctor whatever drop metaphor maybe really pathetic waste space like always imagined maybe change even got degrees good job enjoyed even cure search meaning aside ive got standard issue reasons kill well history sexual abuse neglect bullying current social isolation chronic mental illness potential get worse name  people and  cats would geniunely upset learn death  care hurt abused me third therapist im hanging hope things get better im getting really tired back main topic anything really better redflag life im living barely worthy called life live alone work home couple hours day supplement disability food stamps pay rent bills hang w one friend couple times week bathe attend hygiene dishes sometimes smoke weed drink night calm anxiety distract elaborate lethal redflag plans go support groups feel like people dont understand me treatments like cbt much quandary existential level as well regular old psychotic depressionposs schizophreniabipolar unicorn syndrome medication like ssris anti psychotics mood stabilizersanti convulsants tend make worse nothing gotten better used hospital year severely bulimic socially anxious emotionally labile self esteem low ex then bf asked spend night slept floor felt unworthy bed sounds like  even know sounds like years since last inpatient eating okay throw up mood stabilized point therapist called levelheaded day i almost choked laughing sleep beds feel sort okay myself still im drain society apartment mess say im absolute best mean it best merely continue living im sure keep going asked therapist chance living normal life told story client pretty much like came in  years later hes govt assistance instead  shitty jobs still kind miserable joy look forward  years hard work obviously everyone different etc least one thing delusions about take long time get better to point normal least enjoyable meaningful life people never do version better looks lot like life now disability review im tempted turn paperwork let deny whatever reason finally catch bus ive waiting stop long time ive watched people get on ive tried couple times either got cold feet right amount change problem now emo tldr shitty life really better death