i should ve died it s been a year since my last suicide attempt a year since the closest i ve gotten to dying a year since my greatest mistake of life see people talk ab leading up to the attempt or their life before that but after the failed attempt they just say they wanted to live and everything got better nah bro that s not this story a year later i m worst than before i just don t live alone anymore and there s more thing stopping me i still hate my life i still wan na die and honestly my depression got worst i just feel like i can express it le since then i had a brief period of being okay then again it all went to shit i no longer play college sport i dropped out of school time i fucked yo everything i cared about and apart from that i m in debt i self harm way more than i used to probably every day now i catch myself switching the knife i used to use for my bare hand a it s easier to play off and i just beat myself up every night until i can barely breath pounding at my chest or rib until it hurt to be straight and i need to curl up in my ball of sweat and blood and cut from the pounding i do to myself i feel invivible like no one give a fuck and neither do i i have to fake every emotion i have because i don t feel anything just complete numbness and pain i failed at everything i set out to do and i ve hurt people who didn t deserve my pain everyone who try to help find it too much and therapy seems too impersonal so it doesn t really help and i can t open up it really just feel like everything went to shit after that it feel like my rock bottom opened up and created a newer harder level called hell for me to play since i escaped from the real one when the pill didn t work and i catch myself holding my stomach half beaten sore and hungry from the day of starving myself due to lack of motivation and thinking god damn it i should ve died that day god fuckikg damn it those pill should ve killed me if they did i wouldn t have hurt who i have if they did i wouldn t have become this failure if they didn t i wouldn t have to fake if they did i wouldn t have to beat if they did i wouldn t have to pretend i m okay being alive when all i ever wan na do is die if they did i would finally rest i can t talk ab my feeling i m undeserving of that privilege i can t explain why i do the thing i do that hurt people the word just don t come out the feeling is unexplainable i can t explain why i just wan na die because if i did then i would be told i m taking thing for granted and i can t kill myself because it hurt to hurt people all i want is to be dead happiness stoped being an option for me long ago