i had so many suicidal thought last night while i wa driving to try to make myself feel better i thought drowning is scary but i can go put my car in the river and drown then i went well let s look up to see what medication we have that might do it i m just so tired i ve tried so many different medication at this point i do therapy nothing ha worked i m still holding onto a little sliver of hope thing won t always be this way maybe one day i can keep my house clean all the time maybe one day i won t be so stressed and anxious maybe one day i ll be able to stay consistent and do well at my job if feel like it s further and further away i also just believe i m a total fucking failure at and discredit all the thing i ve done because it s just not good enough to me i don t know how to stop the negative self talk oh and i m also sometimes hearing voice lately sometimes i know they re not there real other time they sound like they re right next to my window or in my house i really wish i could just not exist for a week or a month why can t i just shut it all fucking off for a while i even just had a nice date with my partner and i m already back to thinking well i should still kill myself soon