tired sick suicidal cant deal itwell ive put almost  years feel like ive made good faith effort get better avail im tired dealing this  brain damage previous attempt probably shaved good  points iq left impaired executive functioning seemingly permanent  three years now brain fog  hate job dead end job stressful low paying boringbest all requires constant travel really nightmare dread waking morning  broke girl alienated friends usual deal pressures putting where relationship going do future together etc desire interact anyone putting time work mostly sleep listlessly watch tv weekends real kicker  endogenous depression most likely incurable ive always depressed cant really recall time depressed seriously doubting get better ive therapy since  so coming nine years now enormous waste time energy countless medications medication helps ive found test enanthate cruise this run  cycles  weeks duration every year since  helps marginally currently running anything right now though since hitting  feel like im borrowed time anyway since mom checked age  want end swear ive done everything right nothing helps life going get bearable would done now