idk who s going to read this but it doesn t matter i m only writing this for myself i always had friend growing up i wasn t the most popular kid but i had my small group recently some drama happened and i m no longer in the group i wa wronged and i will play the victim because i am i don t have any friend now i haven t got a few year i fell into a terrible life style the only thing i do with my life is go to college work then rot in my bed consuming medium it took a while but it hit me during one of my break away from school and work i realized that i have nothing making me happy i wake up and go on my phone watching random shit all day in my bed at night i m afraid to sleep so i just consume medium until i can t stay awake any longer i recently started think about what make me happy nothing i have no interest to pursue no friend to talk to no life to live i ve seen everywhere that in order to find yourself you should start a hobby based on your interest that s bullshit coming from people that don t have these problem i don t have interest no hobby appeal to me saying find a hobby that interest you is like me telling you to start a hobby that you don t like i don t like anything anymore i don t know who i am and i don t know how to find myself being betrayed by the people closest to you is a blessing and a curse i know they weren t real but i also know loneliness i can t crawl out of this state because i ve got nothing i want to do how do i become curious how do i start to desire thing again i m so lost i don t even know if i have depression or something all i know is i m constantly hurt unless i m consuming medium being idle just hurt i don t know where else to say this