perfect life paperusing throwaway account turned  life perfect paper perfect health fit enough money large amazing house mountains view two dream cars more live wonderful pregnant wife two incredibly loving girls super stable incredibly high paying job love research industry also mountain athlete running skiing biking even race social media were pictures would probably amazing perfect life so superficial well years ago brain violently remembered abused neglected child struggled deal sought help learnt also likely high iq highfunctioning autistic person severe case ptsd rather cptsd means horrific flashbacks autistic meltdown linked particular traumatising event like would find trauma victims years trauma inflicted developing brain child strong read many books made changes life meditation etc done therapy eft emdr helpful cbt meh never took medication although remains tempting defined specific list ptsd triggers writing list these situations hurt me also prepared  short specific procedures used autistic meltdown related crisis typically overwhelmed situation linked ptsd mostly help wife take proactive role example reduce prevent self harm happens incredibly brave fully supportive patient beyond imagination last months slept two three hours row every time wake middle night sweating screaming simply emotional distress pain would stay awake too horrible part story wife one pressing ptsd triggers time sometimes several times per day basically like bringing traumatised war veteran loud fireworks every day trigger pressed despite frequency would fail recognise situation fail apply things could help me procedures mentioned above does manages help usually massive pain suffering while sometimes hours time evolving become increasingly sensitive triggers totally allergic situations clearly kneejerk reactions small innocuous mildly inappropriate reactions words may may notice become hell me yet cant help it love wife person world asperger great social cues human interactions blame way also obviously aware dealing ptsd responsibility yet lost energy sleep pride identity weekends start great projects end misery continue emdr meditation stuff help loosing ground ptsd taking growing space days nights decided stay alive refuse make children suffer feel abandoned dying loyalty sometimes hard commitment hold tonight difficult night work hours slept alone house alone mind thought would write here thank reading