im tiredpart   posting last resort dont know anymore life seems series one struggle another hate pitying way ive wanted die long remember remember writing poem   years age ive never felt like anyone ever understood me desire die isnt purely emotional though ive tried hard view situation objective stance death seems logical decision point psychotic may sound ive several clearly unsuccessful redflag attempts first occurred   attempted drown rescued friend second incidence happened april  took  ibuprofen admit time cry help anything taken hospital given charcoal ingest dont think medically necessary procedureit punitive anything therapy recommended time complied found largely ineffective last time four five years agoi forget took  advil fell unconscious woke vomiting sleep waited hour two and realizing wasnt going die called ambulance paramedics upon arrival told would probably die told amount ibuprofen ingested admitted hospital d therapy was again recommended time found therapist saw sessions deeming futile im  years old born caucasian father multiracial mother who time early forties one older brother seven years senior half sister already  years old born parents undiagnosed mental health issues father contracted ulcerative colitis young adult warranted proceeding ileostomya medical procedure removes ilium a part small intestine rest gastrointestinal tract follows it creates stoma essentially hole elimination waste made father extremely self conscious consequently lived entire life without making even single friend translated family living isolation grew up us family friends limited any contact neighbors feel like socialization skills inhibited this wasnt grade school really opportunity interact people outside immediate family painfully shy softspoken little eccentric quickly casted peers teased many things growing upmy multiracial identity voice appearance mother my mother rather overweight time intelligence taciturnity name few around four five family member molested times minor time surprisingly weve talked since felt terrible it doesnt bother anymore used to life ive struggled health elementary school asthma severe hospitalized multiple times every year remember   years old coming pneumonia fell unconscious fever escalated nearly  degrees prematurely pronounced dead hospitalized time afterward returning school many asthma triggers one grass every day lunch mother picked take home lunch afraid playing grass contributed feelings isolation whats elementary school without playtime fortunately asthma control still get bronchitis every year though immune system rather weak pick colds like magnet used love run cant anymore chronic knee problems luxating patella sides inherited mother sciatica know health problems minor im thankful that life home quiet growing up part since parents s little worn spend much time me siblings far ahead developmentally want play pretend me parents bought whatever toys wanted compensate recall feeling extremely lonely child cant remember time felt lonely brother hit adolescence life home quickly became volatile violent brother  so sister got physical fight parents resulted father needing number stitches brother went juvenile hall several months released remember fearful time remember hurt feelings quite bit middle school tumultuous time me befriended become quite close one two classmates past years decided ditch without explanation eventually realized wasnt cool experience repeated repeatedly throughout childhood young adulthood time hurt significantly freshman high school parents got divorce father immediately remarried woman younger sister dad late fifties wife   time prison fraud prostitute porn star stripper meth head ultimately released dad took go see her make long story short relationship didnt work out father known stoical became suicidal afterwards remember one night called mothers brother taken mother somewhere likely grocery shopping told jump balcony stole mothers car and without drivers license drove dads house got acted like nothing ever happened  time  got first relationship lonely desperate time welcomed first person ever show romantic interest relationship stormy one jealous type attempted regulate every aspect life towards end time together longer allowed talk anyone else school him could wear makeup dress up could longer devote time hobbies which time consisted mostly drawingpainting playing video games ironically years later apologized way treated me remains one closest friends day although speak infrequently believe holding grudges shortly that would sophomore year high school performance school began decline younger gate gifted talented education also pulled regular classes given individual attention around reading when nd grade reading th grade level friends wasnt learning anything class began develop record truancy teachers complained bright wasnt applying myself enrolled honors ap classes barely passed rarely attended didnt care anymore graduated barely parents always believed id end stanford ivy league university many ways feel like failure started working junior high school graduation began work fulltime attended local community college time switched majors frequently unable focus single subject long eventually settled business administration subject im passionate about seemed like safe choice would help pay bills eventually transferred mediocre local university transfer student even though im  still one class left officially degree failed many classes due inability focus im sure degree even value