experiencing joyim eating im showering im applying unemployment im cleaning cat box im taking trash im performatively happy friends loved ones desire to things make people happy make appear like im functioning whats expected usually makes people happy everything slog get joy it fake cling escapism fantasies real world rough unforgiving desire something unrealistic wish could child abused wish could happy child forever nothing child makes experience satisfaction joy im willing put hard work adult easier escape im going stop eating maybe body ive dragging long either start making food desirable keep alive ill start starving either go hospital die maybe im selfish dont care anymore im tired existing things people im tired it cant escape better stop existing