tried kill i gotten theni  depression  years seeing therapists psychologists social workers since     medications tried kill first time  stayed psych wards   times the last time  tired depressed energy could would lie bed day caffeine help mg today pm im ready go bed drive motivation everything flat want normal able function like people can want live like more seems like constantly irritable cant focus anything increasingly suicidal  weeks now decided go see therapist college earlier gone talk doctor medications first feeling suicidal doubled medicationthis made less suicidal throwing lot think straight also stop taking medication cant afford more so went see counselor basically  responses oh sucks yes verbatim left said remember need emergency help call  told financially possible me said oh sucks it tired live like this much effort little payoff fucking energy killing me would kill tonight roommate find body