feel like im living expected me want toive felt like life much struggle keep living past   years ive suicidal thoughts since around  years old come go every time come always seems get worse also around time started cutting arms year ago would said i think it never make plans wont ever go it time went started looking prices shotguns efficient way killing things like that diagnosed depression around sophmore year high school since barely graduated high school graduated tech school got job along way kept telling youll feel better eventually never have times im thinking redflag capacity im mentally physically exhausted work im talking friend something feel like im autopilot day days weeks fly hardly remember happened yesterday could routine ive gotten cuz work exact thing happenes high school difference cant sleep work like school else lose job suicidal thoughts gone occasional weekly daily every single inconvenience life makes wish didnt exist could die accident didnt keep living started smoking half year ago sort anxious episode trade school havent stopped despite couple attempts went  cigarettes day    helps calm little bit works thousands times better medication ive prescribed gives disturbing comfort knowing life shortened even little bit everything feels empty good things happen happiness never sticks dont want keep living feel like to else ill fail everyone around even more