i have come to the conclusion that i am just not suited for life no matter how hard i try i don t seem to be able to accomplish anything meaningful or be able to derive joy out of anything i wa given nice parent and a privileged upbringing but the extreme depression that rule my life is overwhelming and i really can not take it anymore i have an easy life and i still can t manage to get it right i started to feel worthless ever since i wa a teenager i had a hard fitting in with group of people i felt extremely shy and i saw that my best friend at the time could effortlessly blend in and have many friend it completely baffled me and it wa the first time that i started telling myself over and over i am not pretty i have no talent i am not smart i am worthless year old me cried myself to sleep convinced that people just simply didn t like me i could never quite figure out what wa defective in me everywhere i went i felt extremely awkward and felt in high school i started to feel immense academic pressure i saw that my classmate were very high achieving i didn t even want to think about my future and i spent much of my time last minute studying and playing video game instead of planning anything for my future i ended up not getting into college that i wanted to while my friend and classmate were accepted i accepted that i wa a failure compared to everyone in my high school a socially awkward talentless ugly failure i went to university i am now doing a master with an internship i graduated with summa cum laude for my undergraduate i wa still constantly cry and contemplating the worth of my pathetic life still i wa able to appear smart in front of my classmate i took up a research internship a well where i wa again told that i wa smart and had a lot of potential and other b but aside from school i didn t have much of a life any friend i made in uni have long been lost because people don t like being around a depressed person i wa made out to be toxic so that alone should tell you enough how awful it is to be around me i went to therapy it didn t do much i took medication it doesn t do much i have now entered my master program and i am being told by my supervisor that she ha serious doubt a to whether i will pas everyone else is enjoying their time in their study while i have to struggle so hard just to be told that i m not even good enough to get a passing grade i also struggle extremely badly with body dysmorphic disorder i have a pear shaped body no matter how much i exercise my leg just stay very bulky and thick i lost a lot of weight in my last year of my undergraduate study it wa partly because i hated my body but above all it wa because i hated my life so much that i wanted to make it visible by appearing sickly thin i continued to lose weight until i wa underweight only then do my leg appear normal i continued to follow disgusting anorexic eating pattern during my study it wa so damn hard to study while having to be pre occupied with food and having to only eat calorie in order to not gain weight somehow i passed all my damn exam after this year i admitted to my parent that i had an eating disorder although at this point it wa kind of evident i went home to take a gap year for the sake of my mental health during my gap year i sought professional treatment and of course i gained a ton of weight i wa so sick of living with severe depression and anorexia it wa near traumatic to see my body change so much in a short amount of time i felt extremely defective for gaining so much weight i can t believe my parent thought it would be a good idea for me to recover at home instead of at a ed treatment center because my emotional volatility were simply insane but i became physically healthy and i wa eating lot of good food i even got a part time job during my gap year to convince myself that i wa at least semi functional unfortunately a is the case with my pear shaped body living at a normal weight entail lot and lot of misery i can never wear skinny jean because my leg are ugly i can t stand the cellulite and belly fat that accompanies my healthy body i wa handed bad genetics in term of body build my body alone take away my will to live after my gap year i continued onto my master i started to lose some weight just because i slept through some snack and meal from fatigue and then i knew that i could never gain that weight back i started to take up lot of exercising to create more room for extra food the vast majority of my classmate are thin people being bigger than everyone is extremely triggering for me everyday i wake up and think about what i m going to eat then i think about how big my leg are then i think about how much thinner and smarter and classmate are then i see all the thin people around me then i think about what i m going to eat next then i think about how i m going to fit a jog or a boxing class into my busy schedule then maybe i will think about school and such then i go to sleep and repeat it all again i even lost my damn period again it s maddening because i am not even a thin person and yet my body think that being slightly thinner mean that i m necessarily dying i have such a dumb body now here i am doing an internship for school and i am failing very badly it s not in my native language and i haven t known the language for very long so it cost me twice the cognitive energy to follow everything apparently taking exam go smoothly but the minute i have to be in a practical setting i turn into a complete idiot i don t have the extra energy to put in the effort because most of my dumb thought are just my leg are fat her leg are thin she is lucky i have to worry about weight lunch is when jogging when extra squat when what s for dinner etc now i m constantly being told that i m not performing well and they can t tell if it s because of a language barrier or if i genuinely don t understand what is going on everyone else is doing just fine and they say that you have to be pretty stupid to fail at this internship well guess who s going to be that idiot who can t pas looking back at my life i just see failure and mediocracy and just a lot of sadness a i said earlier my body alone take away my will to live but in order to be able to function in school and work you need to stay relatively healthy but seeing a my life is just filled with social isolation inferiority complex and still lot of depression there is just simply no way that my life is worth it living in this healthy body make me extremely sad and the life that i would otherwise have without an ed is just not worth it it doesn t justify the effort i put into recovery and the effort i put in with learning to accept my body seeing a my life is just consisting of studying feeling stupid feeling incompetent cry exercising restrictive eating hunger fatigue and more cry i just wonder how the hell everyone else is just out here living a normal life without any mental illness people like my classmate are really out here acing their exam acing their internship having a life having lot of friend having a relationship having fun and leading overall fulfilling life i don t understand it all i know is that my life wa just one big mistake i just really need a good plan on how to end myself i find it disappointing how finding a simple method with a high success rate just isn t very easy i have four more week in my internship i just plan to go through it get an insufficient grade and then end it all but ugh mom and dad would be so sad it s already bad enough that i tell them that i hate living and wish that i could disappear they try so hard to convince me that i m smart and can accomplish anything i want like i m in a disney movie they constantly try to convince me that i will find happiness in my life and that i m just in a low state of my life and that they will always be there and try to find further help for me but i m i ve been feeling this way for over a decade damn near half my dumb existence i feel like my soul died the minute i hit puberty i didn t experience anything traumatic i wa just dealt a bad hand in genetics i m freaking exhausted nothing would be better than closing my eye and never waking up again