strugglingso planned finally killing myself everything ready day placed planned made mistake talking good friend lived several states away made sure tell exactly was thought safe talk to want stop me help mei wanted say goodbye someone actually cared understood he going similar difficulties unfortunately could go plan able reach contact command ended spending  days involuntarily admitted lockdown psych unit another  weeks therapy complete step locked like animal know friend cared time wish interfered going hell last  years exhausted fighting this feel like heart ripped out trying get help themes receiving either  want medicate i  different meds none really helped caused bad side effects  pain misery fault miserable chose miserable currently process losing everything brings meaning life already hate myself could sure use sort encouragement reason keep fighting right want fight more