continueever since middle school wanted commit redflag gotten better final stretch school college want end it logic shifted hate awful person deserve live whats point living figured like everyone else problems things good bad at thats fine theres reason hate myself do every action take causes sadness happiness happiness attain never lasts days ive tried medication makes everything worse much worse whats point continuing moments happiness life drowned sadness feel every day life come world alone go alone loving family amp caring friends ive bright future almost hundred grand name without much raising finger attain it cant enjoy that instead focus fact cant enjoy it focus everything thats wrong regrettable past actions must hurtful towards anything care about even jest one nicest people thats fine fact like making people happy since cant enjoy happy least window shop watch happiness whats point carrying though everything eat turns ash reason ive killed yet selfish hurtful towards people care about fairly disturbing thought process recently you always go way others something yourself something wanted since middle school kill yourself realize preferred method selfinflicted death gunshot head anything else would give much hesitation plenty live for want too spend much effort trying accomplish goals things could make happy im tired trying happy failing constantly cant make moment happiness last ocean painful things remember harp on even ocean look perspectives life disappointed myself ignoring introspective causes depression life another source complete meaningless life work semihard attain certain goals values completed joy rather limited still existent however tired tired work age  rest life filled nothing work till retire wake up work sleep repeat why thats mind numbing task endure rest see able future definitely something look forward too want alive going forced work rest life fun fact ive commited hospital self harm fifth grade attempted redflag four times last attempt senior highschool used cut myself ive put antidepressants three times real effect offered moderate place back said gonna hard tell people alive want to course reason gave mwm decline place far depressing tldr emotions caused negatives life outweigh emotions positive carry on want stop putting effort alive far much work appears little pay off