im pretty sure want die im afraid itok so english first language im pretty fucked probably mistakes ampxb fighting anxiety since  chronic depression since  im  now lived good times sure even happy not sure simplified constant sense people think happiness definitely sort happy like lived certain country away mine spent days certain girl thing is good cycles end somehow always end severe depressed again tried everything every fucking thing therapy took lot medication embraced religion good bad jobs good bad girlfriends travelled isolated home got drunk everyday spent times sober even spent  days psychiatric hospital last year redflag ideation got really bad called redflag hotlines wrote letters talked parents friends doctors traumas who doesnt even haunt anymore therapist good stuff im committed treatment point is even everything hands always end fucking place last night debate end life not honest times feel like decision already made even plan problem thing takes lot courage think me family friends shit lot friends mental health disorders im afraid get worse know plan do im also afraid attempt fails consequences failed attempted make life even worse for others around me now well fell love friend mine want or anybody fair want relationship all pretty mundane situation know looks like emotions fragile time looks like everytime got heart broken not romantic stuff like something goes wrong friends family professional life breaks harder way like easier fall depression black hole time well sorry little longer expected know do want fucking pain end twelve years long long long time live emotional suffering