cannot believe im actually posting this really know begin first all guess sort inconceivable im sub posting something like this hell add humiliation guess ill start saying im  year old male currently college computer science im proud person default raised single mother im masculine person believe strength tenacity discipline importantly purpose personal motto always suffering breeds discipline discipline breeds strength im old school traditionalist believe natural order things although im leftist absolutely disdain liberals qualities exude weakness believe human beings equally worthless myself included ive suffered depression past sheer force able conquer it viewing depression martial light depression eternal enemy must continually fought kept bay must consciously maintain vigilance one dark thoughts enter mind must vanquish immediately available means me point however elements life worn last four years eroding iron depleting fighting spirit im going go got heartbroken girl although factor im pathetic let sole reason wanting carry on start saying thing wanted child fly military aircraft fact still maintain service state highest honor one aspire to attend flight school high school thought going accomplish dream becoming military aviator however suffer bad case adhd would seem academia insurmountable objective im medicated tried best ultimately unsuccessful attempts complete college courses without medication crushing defeat me picked moved on knack military history writing so im told fulfilling gen ed requirements took th century european history class professor army colonel  years earned undergrad west point completed phd u m graduate thesis apache scouting parties one strictest professors humanities department earned nickname pressure sheer amount homework gave difficulty tests rather liked immediately excellent command presence additionally thrive environments im held standards excellence professor demanded nothing short excellence quickly became top student class due rather vast repository knowledge concerning cccp das kaiserreich und das dritte reich addition knowledge infantry tactics employed world wars even told you excellent work remains highest compliment ive ever received one day approached professor informed interest becoming military historian looked dead eye said dont itits difficult make living field although another dream crushed deemed acceptable wanted pursue career would allow maximize utility state professor instilled burning desire serve apart something greater myself deemed future battlefield would digital nature stuxnet proved me decided would pursue computer science major vowed henceforth compromises defeats knew going field would conquer greatest weakness mathematics knew going easy deemed anything possible courage discipline around time met ex loved much attracted femininity honestly tell want saw me obviously thought handsome transferred university moved together relationship ended devastated however heart hearts understood left bore responsibility break pretty nasty honest although knew largely fault felt betrayed yet quick find bed room another woman soon realized however made mistake new girl banging total opposite ends spectrum tend worship strength discipline least hedonistic broke trust her also mention point best friend ive known talked everyday since th grade best could me still devastated break up even though id women experienced better shape ex buddy though always grateful someone like him failed classes semester completely utterly ashamed felt broken family thought transfer schools move back home though seemed like admitting defeat simply unacceptable me tried again time though found ex fucking entire computer science department im ashamed admit point decided situation untenable retreated back home ashamed broken home quickly went trying recover defeat called computer repair shops asking hiring technicians one hiring got job local restaurant people appreciate strong authority figures job still haunts me chef de cusine total tyrant coworkers even noticed became verbal punching bag day know why give best shot however soon fired me time ive ever fired job honestly relieved point panic attacks shortly shift ended feeling pretty low point gone honor role student deans list college drop got fired first time around point started waking going bed suicidal thoughts got job liquor store worked next three years although liked coworkers boss store help feel disgraced felt like failure around time started hang around old high school crush seemed nice outside break forced necessity move home parents however absolutely toxic individual told numerous occasions expendable worthless im totally ashamed admit stayed around long did know why hate part myself also accepted university area wayne state however   earned credits transferred start square one made extremely bitter gone precalc prealgerbra however persevered else really do anyway still unbelievable bitch started get stressed finals tolerance bullshit rapidly started diminishing faster think anticipated ultimately took game hockey restore masculinity sense self worth told sick shit sick driving places want talk anymore think caught guard next day texted telling back ex state told simply care absolute truth felt liberated cost started developing deep resentment toward western woman even still today aspirations foreign woman preferably middle east ive ever wanted simple life myself government job allow assume role breadwinner virtuous intelligent wife adheres traditional values family call own however im starting lose belief vision obtainable people would call chauvinistic sexist vision feel like relic bygone era born century off feel outofplace todays society quite clear belong erato add sense displacement academic achievements wayne however shadow former glory take education seriously stellar gpa takes toll self esteem finally come infamous summer  year best friend died  minutes phone him catastrophic loss one seriously fucked mentally knew person talked every day half life closest dearest friend grant sherman stonewall jackson robert e lee ill never know specifics died know fell onto subway tracks train coming screaming died something profoundly horrible think best friend screaming goes out drive new york recover ashes bring home parents single fucked thing ive ever do tell post lot shit already going wrong break emotionally day cannot feel emotions ways think blessing kind tired feeling point anyway new york meet current girlfriend appear love care me im justnot capable anymore reciprocating way ive become detached emotionally also western woman really type know love want to justcant feel anything guess thats say care her do something right though idea is also get job computer repair slightly fulfilling want fix peoples broken shit teach rich idiots computer semester rough ive taken calculus discreet math looking like im going flunk classes despite best efforts showed everyday class got help went office hours still failing financial aid likely going cut ultimate insult me prove hard work discipline simply enough situation feels futile wish model citizen serve state feel like theyd never accept point purpose pride cannot go like this would rather blow head off live disgraced failure the family fuck up simply refuse carry way want live see become failure  still living home im seriously contemplating suicide living without pride without purpose way live yet despite hard work perseverance world seems determined make drag society wish serve issue receive stateaid personally simply unacceptable brings question identity male would rather die man beg scraps like dog existence feels like joke string disappointments setbacks feel though im disgrace family name family warriors grandfather awarded iron cross bravery cant even pass calculus equally inconceivable embarrassing work hard still nothing show it life started fall apart  four long miserable years ive endured hoping things would get better havent feel like could spare decades soulcrushing defeats disappointments manage courage end now aus der traum