sad insecure paranoidfyi going bit nonsensical long and think dark rant also using throwaway obvious reasons consumed suicidal thoughts hours day even remember time think cutting myself shooting myself taking pills hanging myself even child nightmares people killing ritualistic way dreams always left conscious enough feel terror knowing slowly murdered someone else gaining enjoyment act fact earliest memories kind monster thinks sort thing grade school know theres something wrong me normal want hurt oneself time im kind paranoid maybe im murderer kind violent person know sounds stupid actually want hurt anyone else would someones brain programmed like mine ive never chosen think dark things always happens ill typing imagining convulsing taken cyanide thoughts constancy terrifying think people sense am choose polite really violent people always off look eyes im guessing it too ive always severe trust issues feel like friends simply pity me keep around someone laugh at seems like something lot normal people dokeep loser around feel better themselves im pretty sure im loser people work constantly talk lazy incompetent coworkers clearly interest selfaggrandizement im also sure im incompetent weird person there im around stories uncomfortable around me least thats suspect that felt like constantly one everyone put feel better ive always hated it school people would brag got better grade me able problem faster me romantically seems like every guy ive ever liked already someone else thought beneath them first two people asked said much hurt time actually appreciated honesty last guy really liked girlfriend constantly gave looks yeah chose me bitch mutual friends often social settings ramped pdas whenever near even family always given shit weird mother complains im androgynous need care less people says im good manipulated used view society negative want adopt simply philosophical grounds even parents criticise front people always have ive never tried prove anything bloat value individual everyone moments get bit full overestimate abilities ive never willingly represented something better am think this people take advantage low selfesteem take advantage fact im civil quiet easygoing coworker recently announced matter shrugged off understand acceptable say things like people especially ones supposed colleagues see inconsiderate behavior like time everyone always goes it especially chatty people ones simply fill silence time literally spew hatred questioned expressed opinion world politics everyone looked though idiot really dislike confirmation bias applied personalities understand people measure worth social settings last paragraph really over sorry lately paranoia seems getting better me feel like hear peoples thoughts walk past them theyre thinking much want make eye contact me stupid look awkward am feels like everyone knows messed am theyre choosing laugh make feel worse rather try help really want someone help me cant believe anyone would actually want to exist none normal fact lot really wrong snap lose sense empathy compassion others know im horrible person even probably sound like serial killer waiting cant die already