want let gothe day waiting train standing close end platform considering dealing depression years years since ive dealt suicidal idealization scary im scared think maybe ive depressed whole life people told itd better got older could make decisions change environment therapy medication throughout college chronically miserable long prospects got job another country im still happy think ive ever really happy people told would get better hasnt cant handle prospect hang on longer im tired try nice people help however can someone asks help literally stop im doing possible give  every time flip side think people know im struggling know that ive asked people help walked on people taken advantage me want bother anyone im dying kind connection contradictory is even people true friends connections have cannot deal rejection want trying settle days like today get frustrated want talk someone scared send another message ignored know problems big people want someone know work stresses out service job try really hard well think good work evaluation last month along lines great customers say smile enough please smile more cant want to things got bit bad weeks ago friend coworker got drunk sexually assaulted me people saw one anything it talked anyone whos taken seriously feel silly upset because yknow way rape police anything situation even reported it cry shower used look forward since catharsis lately dread wash hair comes clumps probably eating disorder now days im motivated eat one goodsized meal happen usually end puking ive lost much weight replace wardrobe second time eight nine months anyhow im still considered fat country one cares dread work since dealing people dislike people really like helping fake connections wear out im super introvert every day exhausting skills though days like today try study make marketable end crying half day instead im scared ill mess work get gloomy something get fired certainly kill forced go back country savings live family environment terribly toxic lately ive thinking methods like inconviencing people id ideally like arrange affairs unobtrusive again part angry much pain like one cares want everyone know yes bad want people stop think moment maybe even feel little sorry probably much coward go way though people would likely want continue living feel like alive profoundly unhappy perhaps way am persisting problem me like since kid whether working shutin social solitary sides planet got long im sorry appreciate anyone whos read entire thing ive wanted say things long considering next steps