want help want dieredflag like natural selecton mentally distressed ones strong enough overcome so ones not live enough reproduce life finds way hi name x  years old could th post site scrapped previous ones before regardless anyone read not want somewhere choose irriversible born third world country priviledged enough considered middle class comfortable luxurious grew grandparents mother almost half time group due ladder work day minimum wage paying jobs stated comfortable way living never ran food water internet tv could afford buy nutella pizza while thanks mothers savings need material possesion mother someone really short temper severe untreated depression characters tale would often get mad miniscule things loose mind screaming saying whatever went mind later sometimes regret reaction truthufly apologize worked years say least today well learning control it calm ever seen her hand grandparents female gm verbally abusive emotionally manipulative woman male gf submissive passive agressive judger problem here growing learnt since pretty early age first granddaughter born my oldest cousin four three younger taking place grandmas spoiled little girl also exange token fights were are common thing family family gatherings call disaster hasnt single one without exageration walked without someone fought someone else yet unknown reason yet understand keep soon fumes last fight go down going back token status time mother gm fought would usually taken away grandparents blackmail them youre gonna see x that x cant love someone us proceed cry everything gm done past including limited ruining academic opportunities making life miserable then everything over forced stay weekends  deal gm crap how much love me how unreasonable mother keeping away how much hurt horrible mother if something call us come live us i matter could see trough bullshit naive aspect could easly see trying achieve this again wasnt problem grew partially religious household became atheist early age natural manner kid stops believing santa thoot fairy time term it exellence student almost shcool history full a grades strong relationships tutors i still talk highschool professors used back day intellectual scientific conversations almost every time contest participated developed mental motor skills early age born lucky star as far ignore familys long history mental disease trophy child everyone close family would held high standards didnt liked underpeform pushed beyond limits since kid loved brag family reunions workmates complete strangers giving crap social proposes showed world scolded missing things shoved cak crystal cabinet wait wanted tell everyone i kid again lowering grade tiny fraction would make mad getting sick daring respond would give week long scold go trough months punishment say half year without using internet no im exagerating even forced use summer vacations read trough three  page budhist books make resumees mother could think touching electronic device never stopped complaining weight no fat rougly kg recommeded weight cant physycally seen even close examination ive never underweight person gm always wished to im also femenine thing there gm would desire dont stick archetypes want rebellious according society social movement kinds politics like videogames from terraria xcom saga age games puzzle ones books the praise folly erasmus rotterdam favorite written tales since learnt write poetry since  well none matters passionate dampd player early years developed paranoidal behaviours still have screaming tears random corner room invisible man know watching me leave alone times would cover anything eyes portraits plusheies blanket utterly unreasonably feared watching me would lock doors windows even hottest days weve reached temperatures c f halfway boiling point water design clever noise traps mechanisms wake slightest disturbance caught grandparents watching windown couple times am nothing else stopped locking doors bady months ago longer scream misterious invisible man constant pressing feeling watched whataver do wherever am usually pressing feelings excessive guilt im productive also developed severe anxiety quick self esteem learnt hear familys emotions trough sound made footsteps speed parked with opened door long took greet sublte voice movement variations started live constant feeling something wrong time would see something made either grades weight productiviness would receive complains cleaned house without asked for would get you didnt clean here thank you one ever came time talked me time went even close bedroom id get really anxious started ask what wrong similar kid knows took cookies last night asked it difference time yet still isnt problem severe problems anxiety self esteem pressure started slowly climb me started drown expectations felt responsable obligated fullfil them smartest responsable best from born famous phrase one roleplaying games almost never enough almost never enough let ehile then teen age approached got lazier tired it grades dropped problems rose time time thing happened anxiety getting worse self esteem going lower got highschool everything ended falling pieces never got along well girls females age quite peculiar beings trying find group boys would accept got involved wrong people ocassionaly hited verbally abused me remember occasionally ignore comments kind things would like do year people got involved first ever fist fight won resentment tried move group boys kind enemy relation ones got along yes childish move else expecting  year old girl wrong desition one kids believe reddit way knowing am changed lot trust slowly built though solid friendship lasted year right refer take advantage emotionally fragile suceptible  year old girl without friends parental guiadance know talking about kid blackmailed time changed schools chose would go told me due fear i fortunately me kid didnt transfer first day school lot anxiety fear finally blocked social media didnt saw again since event highschool lot went on used generally happy joysful girl anxiety problems turned someone uncapable trusting people closed always defensive adoped ideal believing human hypocresy fakeness around me day still kind hold dear skipped lot details went forced love gm show affection someone made feel like carp nothing happened trapped blackmail someone thought could trust physical abuse non ending family problems lot them simply trust anyone anymore problems went by started unhealthly blame happened me point started hating myself day night would reming much idiot was slowly depersonalzied completely past self bitter personality pesimistic attitude pissed face day trust issues anxiety constant feeling watched judged people try hurt me thoughts become overwhelming decided shut head keeping busy day started ton activities per day tried take free time could good thing got diplomate literature age  months later though started mentally exhausted continue convinced value came productive which pushed months tiring rountine so stopped things wasnt surprise quickly lost self worth left self value came useful want useful mess lasted last five years sunk deeply good friend mr depression originally thought teen years drama moment nothing reelevant one year ago date first redflag attempt failed couldnt tell thoughts started overwhelm much could wake best moods put single miniscule thing single comment even nothing would start break tears without reason get agitated nowhere feel terrible look deep images like cloud black smoke completely covered whenever wanted to rendering useless weeks started unable wake somedays stopped eating drinking water i couldnt meet expectation dissappointment letting everyone down useless stupid fake whenever tried make anything make useful thoughts would overhwelm broke tears constant impulse bash head wall make stop funnly enough recently realized bashing head wall form self harm nowdays want die longer see way breathing relieving pain firm though werever im sad happy good bad mood i want die years sites redflag conviced want help want better happy though did honestly isnt much me people say could brilliant person good job get good degree studies maybe could could wasnt me one good friend certainly miss gone even refuses accept it know really well easier would gone family would trumble bit exange token gone yes still that eventually pass rest dont even care strangers there dont even care know important help distressed people maybe theyre guided morality not they perosnally dont care would fight world hasnt done me anyone tired that tired trying get better better convince everyone im better know dissappointed them fooled ones hadnt fake intellectuality human hypocresy mentioned resented life nature humanity hate lot people mere existance specially hate me heart soul hate myself hate choices life ive done not would love go back mend mistakes cant one can honestly want live them used say tiny spark light inside myself memory old me trying survive trying tell strong convince i still here drowning shit details skipped long busy keep writing looked mirror today realized longer here want try anymore reason stay want die got far sorry stranger apologize broken english native speaker making afternoon bitter already was