hail mary pass ironicallythe church says mortal sin know selfish act living suffering fear shame years now selftalked near insanity ive kept goingtryinghoping hope deferred makes heart grow sick red said hope dangerous thing hope drive man insane utterly failed life lot fault lot isnt thinking going infection would hide act suddenly leaving seeking medical help would be least odd would hurt mother know even think redflag would torture wondering issue me waking every day loss questions would cruelty yet another seemingly endless list misdeeds im nearly famous for know im seriously considering scares yet continue plan would leave home seek infection return course protect family would find location fill gas tank etc first minimize transmission would isolate somewhere for im guessing good month isolate hotelmotel think could afford long  night not even thinking food airbnb might rentable place month right doubt it money still issue would put others danger even though actively isolate obviously shelters centers etc camping maybe like read sorry novel