caught making plan back mind againim  apparently post wall whatever means moment fleeting glimpse meant truly happy heart growing radiance talked kids would like made feel safe finally ok vulnerable didnt maintain fiercely independent facade finally slept peaceful sleeps arms laughed thought loved over put tiny amount weight unwell left went back red pill recognise lied compulsively idealised devalued discarded believe met person cannot actually compassion act conscience act god like complex trying right make right genuine understanding pain actually causing yet im still trying empathise understand could actually like mean cant measure lifes value someone else isnt first time ive success world doesnt matter heart empty  figure income work part time ive lost mojo ive lost passion work feels meaningless im tired again still