know sayive diagnosed borderline depression  years ago worked hard change mind worked found love life felt happy lately feel like im downwards spiral depression again life hard last weeks last  years always felt like still power way feel feeling gone feel lost hit like punch gut want end it moment partner thing brings joy life feeling years ago coming back feeling emptiness beeing understood feel like empty shell human chaotic thoughts feels like thousand negative thoughts cant finish single one real way stop cant take anymore want hit head wall make stop cant anything feel like complete nutcase want feel like anymore want feel distraction it past used cut really strong urge afraid partner find think fault which obviously isnt anything make mess mind go away want wake another day feel like again worst part last  years like know miss feeling peace within cant seem find peace days cry sob time im alone want die living took big toll last weeks