for starter i never really had a childhood when i wa my parent would constantly fight and eventually got divorced at the time i did not really understand and thought that my mom and dad needed space from each other well i never learned that they would never get back together until my dad remarried to a woman with son all older than me and my younger brother now my stepmother wa horrible to me and my brother this included being locked in the same room with my brother the whole day one meal per day a gate in the bedroom doorway so that neither of u could go to the bathroom or get a drink of water now i wa not always in my room i would go outside sometimes but i would be locked outside by my stepmother whenever i told my father about it he either did not believe me or shrugged it off a a mistake my mother wa not any better than my father she never remarried but wa extremely lazy and never cleaned the house she also never gave any discipline either so i wa free to do whatever i wanted then when i wa thing in my childhood got a lot harder when we found out my younger brother ha severe autism now thing switched from me getting some attention from my parent to none at all i wa now treated like a second rate child by almost everyone now whenever it wa my birthday and wanted to go somewhere we had to plan it to make sure that my brother would also enjoy going there because if he did not then my birthday would be cut very short not on y that the present were even unfair and i know it sound like i am just being selfish but is it selfish when on christmas i would get a 0 lego set and then my brother would get a new keyboard piano that he did not have to share the only time i ever felt like i wa treated equally wa when i wa over at my great aunt uncle s house at their house i wa not treated a a second rate child but instead a their own child they gave me acknowledgment and love when my actual parent did not they did not change plan because of my brother they helped fill the void that my mom and dad had left in me but my great uncle would pas away when i wa 9 due to cancer this not only hit me hard it felt like i had lost my real dad and now i would never get him back my great aunt wa still alive and kept up with me but i would only see her le and le a the year went by preteen teenager year were rough for me and yes i know most people s preteen teenager year were rough so for starter remember me talking about being almost locked in my room or having complete freedom depending on what parent i wa with well this wa not good for me at all a i got no interaction from peer my age and when i did get some it wa only for brief moment so i never knew how to interact with people i did make friend but this wa when i started lying to look cool instead of telling people that when i am with my dad i am basically in prison and when i am with my mom i live in a pigpen this kept leading to lie getting deeper and deeper and eventually developing into pathological lying it wasn t that i wa not kind or anything i just wanted to be cool and normal like the other kid and my friend this however wa only the tip of the very uneasy iceberg because now people were getting in romantic relationship in high school and god forbid that i get a girlfriend during this time well it happened i got a girlfriend when i wa freshman in high school she wa the polar opposite of me where i wa shy and not very interactable if i did not know you she wa the party girl who wanted to drink booze and smoke weed during the time that she did drink or smoke i would feel left out just like with my family at home so again i made up story and stuff to make myself look better well now i wa getting called out by others for my lie i knew it wa wrong but for me it wa all about the attention at the time no matter if it wa good or bad it made me feel real and like i mattered in a twisted way well now because i wa being called out i started to get even more depressed than i wa and resorted to self harm eventually one night when me and my ex were talking she got drunk and started sending message that i needed to man up and have intercourse with her r she will leave me well me being in a not so good position in life i self harmed more violently that time and sent an image to her in retaliation for her saying that she will leave me i know a match made in heaven right there i will not say that i wa not at fault partially in that situation and i will not defend my action i merely wish to vent and talk about this anonymously a i have never spoken about this before to anyone after that incident the next day i wa beaten to a pulp by guy who liked my ex and thought doing this would land them brownie point after which the school district finally did an investigation which involved my ex telling her side and only hearing her side my friend called me insane and left one by one until i had no friend anymore what hurt the most from that though wa now i wa alone my parent still never really paid attention to me and now were treating me like a chore than a son instead of getting me the help i needed they instead did nothing at all except send me to a psychologist who would proscribe every drug in the world and a therapist who did not really understand what i wa saying and that wa i needed help i relied on them for help and they were never there now at this point i m and have no friend still don t know how to keep friend and don t know how to reliably get help i spent the rest of my high school year in and out of different school with no friend or girlfriend i wa so shut off that when there wa a girl who liked me or someone who wanted to be friend i would always dismiss them or tell them that they could do better than me i wa a husk in my own body and it wa all due to my action and not wanting to open up to anyone i did get some romantic relationship eventually but those fell off a i never put the time or effort to make it last when i wa i had my first suicide attempt i failed obviously and i am glad it did at the time i eventually got in contact with my great aunt again after year we chatted about what had happened in our life with me tearing up for the first time in a while talking about what my childhood and teen life were like she told me that she wa the same way in that she wa suicidal and we connected together because of that morbid fact she talked me out of many other suicide attempt and kept telling me that it will always et better no matter what and yes thing did get better i bought a car and paid it off in le than a year i have grown and learned so much that i am wiser than i wa before and i am going to college to get a degree in biology and in all honesty i would not change anything one bit knowing who i am now but i still get the feeling that everything would be better if i just did not exist now we come to today with me still dealing with suicide it ha now been a constant battle with it daily because i just don t know what to do i can t get over my past and the mistake that i made and even then this post doe not even cover all of them if it did it would be almost 00 page at least i just wish sometimes i never existed in the first place or that i wa born to loving parent who actually cared for me instead of sidelining me for my brother because he ha autism i am so full of rage for myself and my brother not because he is autistic but he took away the childhood i needed in the first place i m and feel stuck like i don t know where to go from here i don t know how to move on from the past mistake that keep me back i don t know how to look at the future and not see it landing me with the worst life imaginable and especially i do not know how to get over the feeling of not wanting to exist daily and thinking of way to die sorry for the long post i tried to keep it a short a possible with the most detail and if this is not the right place then what is the right place thank you