wish redflag agonizingso ive cycle wanting die thinkingplanning it tired scared pull  years now ive already decided method  drowning sticking head bucketdrum water ps live near easily accessible body water thought would sure fire way die given couple hours without discovered would fairly easy clean up prepared tried  times already agony always gets me times held breath times aware inhaling water beginning would expedite process times thought sister shed devastated times id break bathroom decided stop attempts hold idea living someone wanted live sister every time thought redflag visited mind let linger long im fixating thought loved one would devastated came family abuse family lies person considered real family thought maybe id stick around long needed me fast forward now im good place life im suicidal thoughts again time im sure living someone anymore sister gained close friends act support system grown distant lying like everyone else family thought relationship better that recently discovered shallow water black out thought would take care agony part drowning almost instantly pass hyperventilation tried minutes ago still bring pull through know anymore ive wanting die long ive tired angry pain long im much wuss it part thinks whole living someone stint masking cowardice know anymore want live cant kill next