ill preface saying seen numerous psychiatrists therapists gps wringer family doctor throwing antidepressantantianxiolytic prescriptions see sticks everything still feels matter med new routine holistic solution etc exhausted living so march  attempted suicide lived alone nice apartment locked door suite flipped security latch taped handwritten dnr sign living room locked door took uncountable amount clobazam not clonazepam different drug  gravol pills least  nighttime benadryl pills got bed listened strict machine goldfrapp then feeling id never felt done felt like id finished life soothing also could effects massive quantity pills took thengirlfriend called me fine conversation black out tells days failed suicide attempt happened completely coherent stopped talking passed out long story short too late wake two days later intensive care tube throat regulate breathing catheter definitely in guess dnr work parents who live four hours away sitting around come to fast forward convince everyone crazy say maybe go psych ward said no get better care move back city i living small city time get back apartment parents stay me covid breaks out postgrad program studying announces classes over move back big city parents basement degree mailed me keep conversations people keep wrong things continue comply ministry transportation get drivers license back keep sending different forms get doctor sign depressionredflag stays same covid made world weird years days suicide attempt purgatory much violence greed narcissism world like never seen before every day work jobs money comes goes id never even made anything conversations ad nauseam hell sartres exit days think purgatory purgatory purgatory trigger warning