truth is im already deadi  four months away  ive died countless times last four years life trying fight mymental illness face constant symptoms family whoback then better now kept giving meshit things literally survive mind ampxb aside new habit last year half  trusted ofthe thoughts head otherwise would die cant afford trust mybrain wants nothing life wants live lifeless zombie even things crumble parents grow older remain someone still scrambled together enough life skills stand feet despite putting fucking effort ampxb depression social anxiety generalized anxiety comorbid resultant porn addiction got fluoxetine axepta last august made lick difference like got amisulpride  parent falsely told schizofuckingphrenia needed said meds numbmehttpsnumbme four years ampxb take long oh emotions thing family teaches well see im youngest three kids also trusting fact abused twice  first get see doctor without knowing pretext see writing later say feeling things fucking normal parents surviving anxietydepression entire lives how oh easy fucking interconnected social web full high functioning anxious depressed tools tools harsh word label kindly allow use now ones reading this helps live third world fucked arse society shit gets normalized real quick still end human relationships generally know fucking important shit is ampxb me oh ended basically autistic socially due constant isolation frombetween  now  trying get ba economics college filled ah normals capable socializing well generalization thats false point get accepted enough connected enough going college aregrowing leaving mebehind sit postrelapse occurred couple hours ago sit feeling like time die ive tried fucking long noe learned far little recompense brain fucking focus ampxb theres point without connection get back up heres vicious cycle works  fuck w porn choices gt increased depressionanxiety gt people get wrong signals gt people run away gt creates resentment apathycrippling loneliness sadness self fulfilling prophecy fixed first every fucking time ampxb ive learned near enough nothing insane aspirations financial situation family  earning parentssavings last long  goals become masters clinical psychology psychodrama therapist plus writeractor im deadly serious this ampxb writingacting help stay alive feel dothem goof actor first try  studied near enough much practical experience far shot dark itsmore like throwing dart dark warehouse stacked haystacks hoping magifuckingcally hit bullsye six hundred feet beyond distance well dontcarehttpstcare thats accurate not ampxb tried get many things done time  biggest obstacle ended lack support noe theyve finally seen fucking mistakes anger self destruction set mr late seem hurt brain enough via enough consistent sleep deprivation barely focus anymore im functionally dead living based automatic circuitry life program executed biological machine project mediocre second year ba universe creations students fourth dimension man give enough shit make life interesting c grade suits im fucking fine ampxb  look im dead know im nothing without people understand im dismissing individuality know whats important life meditation taught things mattered mr enough that right im fucking ofthe wonderful young adults couldve honor meeting life people whose like ive never life im crying ive reached point writing this numb till now whats killing most first time life felt connection felt relations im failing every last one themand losing fuck would understand would comprehend levels sheer social incompetence amount constant self fulfilling prophecies still fall prey despite therapy losing one blame myself ive strength left keep going ampxb attacked trying survive trying learn stand two feet given constant mixed messages never received help needed evenwhen presented answers silver platter ampxb addiction least kills drive many things ampxb haveyou know now much youno want to reading sorry thank reading wonder stranger truly do ive friends least lived constantly feeling dont ive tried think made connections quite bit last four years yet position even know reason ultimately decide die  still feel like connections  know cant factually true every one them ampxb people im tired problems largely invisible borne isolation sheer lack learning brain executes distraction efficiency nazis used persecuting killing jews offensive use termherehttpstermhere mean accurate racist arse funny much likea white male sound consider im fact fucking indian fair skinned lad dick brown assure you stand seem like though ampxb the thing keeps going doom yeah glorious dumb thing playing it spirit they rage brutal without mercy worse rip tear done see lens neuroplasticity terms seeing symptoms fighting relentlessness doom marine does bfg division loop whenever im trying productive one things works ampxb well iverambled quite bit gone tangent sideline roller coaster abyssal web let mebring end structure ampxb feel lifeless one reason ive felt ten years life childhood rife bullying adolescence mired mistakes supposed adults misinformation first half supposed adulthood filled constant attempts move upward fraught consistent failure ampxb im tired actually gave shit actually tried results enough get point job survive own enough social web hang withwhich really helped smart ass cynical persona prone channeling comedians even im social repressed ass society lgtbtq supportive feminist straight man society would technically normal want date  year olds around  yet seem one three people fucking informed enough know thats bad idea case collectively slot younger siblings giant babies definitely ones competent professional mr soon enough point mean ill forget like first them hell find getting insecure depressed surpassing now thats fucking fun gonna repeat resentments adults around mr gave simple act daring grow improve genuinely hope im dead happens would consider win least pass hurt conditioning case ampxb im possibly going repeat year college stuck even younger people next year like said losing people manage go college every day attendance low disbarred soon enough ampxb  know whats ahead except dying soon then ill go ahead leftover assignments bfg division repeat write write write wait inevitable suicidal ideation sheer emptiness return ampxb another day lost another phase time cannot get back consequence always comes bear ampxb tell me really bad tried not right aint know ampxb died im dead lived ive never really lived know fuckers mean life relationships forget girlfriends ive barely friends human connection general fucking lovecraft probably social methe racist arse prick yet know enough know connections matter almost wish know source problems paradoxically would make survival easier right now ampxb im dead its  right now listening next right thing frozen iam gonna writing night ill go college im going die let least come wake event public ally break due social anxiety depression college let least know give avoid ny final moments maybe psychology student gain insight help someone future ampxb dead know im losing them already miss them wish connected much doubt would believe said so mean it hard miss innocence kindness normality gave taste ina life devoid it first real chance establish something intrinsically important fucked up could tell them tell this unaware are would manipulative want to want know im going through that want protect this equipped enough handle it repeat mistakes done me ampxb stories ive had want dedicate life to whether writing acting playscriptscreen writing orstories human condition human becoming kind symbol ampxb im dead ampxb im physically die fade world ill make sure done ideals mind heavy handed ridiculous inthe nature world though may be else society change else move forward ampxb put forth mindless effort cani rip tear done either dead high rise jump orsurviving guess day out learned live work ampxb whatever reason read thisthank you please tear around willing effort know it please dont yourself please stop take me enough it give better internalize messages say things yourself ampxb please end dead like me kill inner better half deserve better please please please ampxb ambegging you fucking please getting goddamn you please please