please help understandeverything seems pointless well two online courses finish associates degree something name maybe go bachelors saved money thing stopping knowing major want choose  want waste money currently job mind going people good often mind staying late help good relations family members keep touch often good friends know me people ask sometimes flattering want relationship  guess ive never really wanted one feel close anyone ive tried couple see future want string along relationships everything predictable got tired wouldve rather friend go often meet family members often meals im initiater planner go friend group friends to mainly keep busy stay touch them  like board game nights karaoke pick sports games bowling swimming ect social media except facebook go gb data month im almost never phone things  like right learning juggle couple minutes day im getting better everyday messing around keyboard acoustic guitar couple minutes hour couple times week take dog dog park walk around neighborhood often  often listen focus surroundings walks even general time posses array narcotics never really enjoyed drugs people experience like event planned trip get high whatever see taking future anymore even people think im going throw away give away stopped vigorously exercising became lenient exercise used religious workout routines right actually liquid diet called soylent i eat kinds different foods im people saves money stress eat helps eat excess calories meal plan went doctor physical said blood tests came back normal im healthy weight good blood pressure healthy underlying thought wanting go away like soul wants released body want freedom ultimate freedom want continue living know feel happy sad everything between know failure like know success feels like theres point anymore things middle it often thought im okay died moment actually often get feeling im happy elated state  want die happy talking friend asked me what want life answer actually shut down said know stopped talking answering questions stared space changed subject silence exposed desire wanting die course want tell that put spot want life end it im capable anything cant everything im hopeless know potential world help people feel people mostly take advantage ulterior motives relationship know everyone know do almost everything jack trades still learning everything anyone anything trying everything open anything took dialectal behavioral therapy know mindful often use skills come back middle emotions become overwhelming me im seeeing counselor talk stuff week another person trying help another person job maybe right professional councilor enjoy talking her mother wants medication knows thoughts often used prescribed want that want feel again want substances think theyre bad think lot people benefit them personally feel like want altered state mind get it im things trying new things constantly meeting people even moving states soon job things are per say good eyes everyone like want release like im tired tired living see future myself im hopeless know potential want anything anymore want death everything meaningles irrelevant unnecessary ect me know feelings im things always there feeling end near want release expected life feel already foresee get married not kids not employed unemployed everyone else living like said everything predictable turn way expected mind ive thoughts since little theyre occurring becoming increasingly prominent thoughts get older know feel im tired loop like thing interests death know desire death