ive feeling good recently long ramblythis post might pointless redundant feel like writing chronicling moment dont diagnosiss anything else sort prove anything confidently say ive quite seriously suicidal last four years although ive experienced suicidal urges lesser extents since  so changed honestly dont see living past  soon uni break started two weeks ago ive absolute high typically id go depressive andor suicidal episodes every day sometimes daily havent single thought like entire break though considering suicidal tendencies follow year round arent triggered specific root as far im aware im pleasantly surprised things bring make worthless still much intact realise theres sign changing maybe ive successfully distracted point whatever happened seems done good though ive much positive lately notice change daytoday life speaking much fluently even though im still social anxiety ridden mess much sharper things like critical thinking even joke making chatted parents times hung around friends felt like knew exactly say something ive trying crack long time normally im friends whether private close friends something public involving lot mutual undergo depressive bout half hour whatever stays go sleep whatever reason though havent feeling fortnight even situations wouldve easily caused two three times genuinely enjoyed every time went out ive also really dedicated hobbies seeing results back up favourite past times performative depend building skills succeed would usually get upset underperforming would sometimes trigger depressive episode would spiral track suicidal ideation havent bothered nearly much failure messing time giving much drive continue practice even certain task impossible makes feel accomplished worthy actually seeing results time im spending things love most post definitely structured basically diary entry me write down im confused happened im scared gonna go away probably tomorrow since uni starting again cant recall ever going anything like im surprised whats happened want last forever know wont