im feeling really dumb like ill never get anywhere lifeive got lot cleverness hood barely ever shows anything people say im smart apply barely anything dont concentrate mostly feel like trick people thinking im clever clever person without anything substantive get chatting someone else dont feel dumb anymore comparison fantasise ramming skull metal pipe painting walls chunky brain spray picture details clearly minds eye hundreds vectors individually showing would look like paste sometimes cross road dont bother tracking trajectories cars dont care make side road want hurt know would really shitty live acquired brain injury spinal injury fuck wish could exist bother bullshit feeding myself grind pollute planet keep kicking constant effort stay alive seems easy end life id less burden planet too electricity plastic petrol use meat animals consume poor people slave wages making pointless shit nobody needs mum siblings know im suicidal concerned dont want hurt them time dont think anyone able dictate another persons life choices arent harming anyone else feel like human accomplishments meaningless anyway da vinci means nothing compared entropy heat death universe feel like screaming gibberish void trying failing find meaning ultimately meaningless universe never really able connect others see others relation ourselves im going go see psychologist days ive suicidal ideation good long time though since childhood im sure depression something go away maybe learn coping strategies though dont even know depression feels like im sure emotions right now