know go anymorethis hard explain im going start beginning around time two months ago first started noticing symptoms know depression thought nothing it figuring combination stress school martial arts bsa future graduating high school june despite come home several days semester could make day without breakdown still decided thats figured would get better months wrap school scouts get ready college problem didnt made summer hiding everything family slacked near july thought right all august moved freshman year college everything came back fullforce again attributed school new experience want one those people tried selfdiagnose problems got worse first harmed november know why cant explain why started stop january   alone attempted end all finish it know weak attached was could put away make sure one knew happened last year constant fight keep going many mornings woke nothing get going nights spent awake silently crying wake roommate writing notes last head officially diagnosed february school psychologist made sure would reveal information want therapist majority spring semester helped day time wanted make summer thought family would make better none makes sense me ive got guaranteed job future great family strong friends almost fullride school got eagle scout progressed belts quickly martial arts get good grades everything going right far am im going theres else go cant go family friends told abandoned lost contact even made second profile case brother ended found me cant get meds better help oneway ticket army lose dream know whatd id do theres nothing am austria far distance states tried run away problems coming europe ended happening im far home little comfort gives alcohol makes feel nothing cant go route know happens end make thats person want be used video games escape thats temporary get off everything still there may sound stupid music admittedly helps moment everything still temporary think anymore constant fight keep alive wearing down want hurt family friends two choices here either get help lose dream lose life want hurt people care for do supposed put everything worked life away im weak supposed choose life future feel like everything try ends failing even not every day night filled thoughts giving up point find actively looking painless quiet way out im tired feeling like shit know theres still part thats holding on cant keep going like this think im going make semester alive im scared