stalemateim m soon turning  nothing show myself lost friends last year told depression suicidal ideation  years ago nothing changed till last year finally cut off understand them constantly negative havent moving forward years everybody else has inferior regards anyone used friends with year socially isolated outside spent whole sitting front computer  time times went get food job prospects future aimlessly attended university  years switching majors nothing came it late start apprenticeship field like everything competitive inferior human like me constantly asking even apply apprenticeships anyone would want hire somebody like struggled mental illness since  years old  year old happy human applying job am course know mental state tell way lying last  aimless years way making sound rather positive negative cv worthless many gaps due mental illness want work cleaning person want work assembly line feel like option succeed working world would start kind business self employed since chances slim get anywhere corporate world know certainly thick skin kind adventure thought getting help time answer anything always within oneself change better could start take ssris again talk therapist listen things again help me could submit psychiatric ward would doctors give benzodiazepines make sure going kill myself fucked everything depression inferiority complex never strong enough pull through top selffulfilling prophecy everything dull ive tried kms twice one time cutting i stopped hurt much  ugly scars forearm one time taking  mg lorazepam pills unfortunately sent  hour sleep coma researching everything redflag methods know end life decapitation train seems best option although id prefer shotgun since guns illegal live germany possibility know certain never able ditch inferiority complex last  years soul heart become bitter core become addicted smoking weed cigarettes cleanse would also take time anymore almost  year old male mental illnesses enough skills compete workplace  cm help go anywhere helps strengthen beliefs unnecessary disposable friends left also point trying anymore run money support end february also day birthday  think seen enough say least leave life good memories