any personalidentifying details removed reading this sorry please forgive me although know might take time purely decision fault anyone elses anything could done feel broken lost maybe finally finally find peace owe explanation longer life goes on worse gets regards many different problems life hear is get better getting better it participating life tedious draining unfulfilling incredibly sad though probably experiencing bewilderment anger grief done please know this want die almost everyone everything life supportive me wanted try life  attempt grow old world truly beautiful place times especially true wonderful family all it removed friends particular removed names friends even though time lives would see long since passed happiest rays pure sunshine otherwise bleak world you extraordinary friends known along way thank me seriously lucky know you thing feel emotionally unfit keep wading currents life so sad almost all time cannot anything it believe me tried tried name it sobriety exercise mindfulness meditation selfhelp material multiple medications multiple doctors multiple therapists even psychiatrist me suicide insidious everpresent mental intellectual emotional spiritual cancer ever since first time heard childhood almost feel like inevitable always felt like outsider looking life  never participant observer thought suicide least per hour excluding sleep decade trying simply hold on years guess final straw broke camels back brief periods thought might able overcome feeling able potentially envision future liberating periods always due help people tried hard source light strength instead looking others am always needed help blunt never thought would make age removed now that age  slightly older time passes relative stability occasional optimism past completely eroded existence fulfillment despair pain years years desperately trying find meaning motivation future cannot envision it nothing feel totally lost this combination increasingly crushing burdens alive human being leaves one option quit feels like thing ever actually control stop struggling currents life let overtake sounds like appealing thing imaginable sorry pass pain onto you reading this stronger ever was could take more perpetual observer so lonely you lonely truly sorry you moments something would like share one  know pain well felt fundamentally alone lonely since started retaining memories one thing always really wanted travel never got much farthest ever got location removed future ever particularly beautiful place wondrous moment maybe think  briefly lucky ill get right beside you even luckier ill soon get surf waves spacetimei sorry love  yes you  much fuck it draft suicide note see relate hint can