well maybe helped someone elseid like think care people despite dwindling friend circle read zero today cutting everyone weekend ive thanked frequently recently helping people cared make decisions gain perspective lives old friends best friends ex girlfriends business associates bartenders even helped friend vote last week realize am ive drunk nine days straight feel like something now ill hurt others more ive taken precautions ive deleted contacts ive deleted real social media communicate people whose phone numbers remember thought cancelling cell service protect them wish hyper cognizant surroundings even im completely plastered wish combination drugs could take would leave completely functional totally disassociated able comprehend putting gun back head would bad idea rather feel hesitation pulling trigger hope would instantaneously ive posted afraid am necessarily pain idea lingering want over want done completely believe afterlife im relatively sure chemical impulses brains stop want complete surprise completely instantaneous