idk im anyway long read willinhidk start  male uk really good upbringing sense parents really care me sacrifices make made still blow mind understand stresses emigrating california better future done work put in however grew way fast fault guess ill start major factor jumping  gaslit first ever girlfriend feeling love towards someone unrelated also friends someone mentally physically abused abused growing up heavily around drug culture toxins environment holds eventually got corrosive meanwhile im blamed everything im threatened freedom saying shell call police house get arrested stop friends him used anxiety kissing best friend trying cheat party cope in denied week told push bitch would stopped her loneliness honeymoon feeling relationship teen romance bubbling up romance shortlived work fiction lose sidelines illicit substances exchanging them recreational substance abuse intertwined scary ur considering heroin  last year smoked weed mdma etc party ones however wound manipulated realizing finally weakened me found prescription painkillers look overdose overdose january th  took  mg school day academia future stuff like tax sex education getting high school sniffing capsules stools stand brain sober pain emotionally later overdosed realizing happened pull phone realizing whats happened thinking g threshold overdose adults threshold  minutes would fallen asleep started go respirotry decompression panicked ashamedfilled guilt hid room hand throat trying throw cus panicked nothing coming literally mean hand throat would burp accept walk bathroom write last words dont want go details ptsd woke up thankfully ampxb traumatised thoughts head christian upbringing question existence heaven mile away devil manifested shoulder felt cold breeze spine heat hells flame my body going extremely hot cold clammy hands would stuck purgatory waiting waiting mother would reacted opening door find son dead sheets peers teachers headlines vessel beautiful soul another statistic fell brain fried suffer tinnitus grainy vision static noise vision driving insane constant reminder flashback feeling train thought running noose around happiness  one really knew damaged was looked pale white couldnt eat shit couldnt stand propely cramps couldnt sleep couldnt handle moments silence loading screens video games drove insane sit exam halls complete silence days mock practice tests colleges look at concentrate always edge thought would seize dropdead since common drug that broke two days told mum happened helpline  hour verdict go e within hour since might die awful look mother eyes say took overdose etc would question why idea couldnt think could feel like wanted overdose kill me knew never feeling sadness undescribable realised flesh consciousness whats matter meaning life arrive say information school situation supposed wait hour half according tv saying wait times ended waiting  gf time found out called junkie always using me im rat phone died broke down non stop crying saw people come whole night get seen me like stuck hell really die bright lights swollen eyes fromc rying causing much pain wrapped longsleeve eyes ampxb get ecg check files drug told blood test since past lethal stage heart seems healthy psychological damage endured past abuse overdose ignored catastrophic told grow stop scarred describing crippiling anxiety tightness chest constant cramps nobody could help reach out would try mental health olympics try make positive it looked like functioning stop asked flashbacks happen conversation withdrew school friendships went fulltime work became hermit paranoia started happen took  mdma night group friends eventually saw wasnt bad weird remember much felt like machinist ended sleeping constantly  weeks eating eating never feeling full thought  weeks passed started think watched wiretapped family it realized paranoia conversations would happen know veil became lifted thge line already distorted ended interview psych ward th morning birthday knew yes questions would get bed love family house lied answers knew id rather get head right home there did problem fix it gradually got better try look back whats happened realize bad things watching perks wallflower hit me sexually exploited child bad kinda basically two older brothers found pleasure ithen made friends online xbox taught porn also another friend mate saying sexual things young u wouldnt understand like putting special mayo food etc one instance stuck me never really understood still dont damages child robbed innocence still unaddressed feel sick damage done cognitive bias manipulated also result ur thoughts manipulating you overdose unlocked problems deal od issues im scared brain switch ill end taking life ampxb cant live activities got involved double narrative life ive lived someone inside im come across mental health support isnt best always thank phone also always distance myself never return calls im scared write back want new life im hypersexual realized someone genuinely called it sickness bacteria taht grow ur darkness stopped growth trying rebuild life skeletons closet even friendliest faces idk typed maybe last nail coffin feeling bad stuff know wrong ignoring it nail really confirm taking back life illness slowly plagued thoughts