bad enlightened mindset help friends advice good sparking live others helped others darkest shit know ups downs ins outs still keep slipping mode self destructive behaviour keep saying going end killing myself know people love hit everyone like train probably think great say happiness gone mind numb suffered physical pain spine dental problems trouble eating swallowing things work waiting operation totally aware case much good around me grateful effort spent trying give boost living society holiday booked still hope turned reddit cannot turn anyone cannot bring worry them lost soul