think ive relapsing sure need help definitely need ventthis rant trigger warning anyone extremely vulnerable right now read this ampxb little else turn time longer time see psychologist medications never worked first place ive five years now theres friend around handle well family already enough checking hospital option projects cannot miss would send debt regardlesswhich course would make things worse cant tell relapse depression depression pause couple months couple days really cant remember memory always returning fading lately ebbing receding slog cant seem keep track anymore years seemed like mood swings changed seasons deteriorated months weeks days every morningevery moment random roll dice recognize feelings anymore think navigatedthe anxiety depression paranoia fear sorrow rage loneliness etc wake next morning im back square one whats hilarious im couchlocked bedridden cut everybody yeah perhaps slightly difficult get bed mornings still ride bike still go gym four times week still practice yoga daily attend parties socialize eat healthy obsessively maintain creative hobbies get work time yet miss class semester grades still as bs debt major legal problems children addictions drink weekends touched cannabis year and even rare occurrence due panic attacks touched drugs several yearsprescribed otherwise complaining every day want fucking end already walk mountains forest maybe onto coast somewhereill lie earth let nature take back everything dissolve back dust came continue sustenance things deserve it every evening look mirror see disheveled man staring back grey beginning spring facial hair receding hairline blue eyes slowly losing spark life laugh fucking ass off lift shirt hey abs still there muscles cant stop checking still visible im fat thank god im fat hands still dexterous enough draw paint write crooked spine hips shoulders scream chronic agony mind rages like hurricane despite best efforts eternally fixated wrong world everything wrong myself every reason idespite best painstaking effortshave utterly incapable fixing both fucking life cant ridiculous hype about doesnt feel great alive hahahahahaha like im trapped movie foreseeable happy ending keep barely scraping past psychosis everyone else around drudges mindnumbing shit dayin dayout try distract get pissed point obvious finally get crack admit sit back horror realize reality may closer real deal hoped laugh well stable friend  year plan explains hopes deal overwhelming fact we fucked decades drink edge alcohol poisoning game pool laugh sit floor hacking bile cant think romantic way end missionary wanderluster college wannabe artist lying next bed blood vomit gasping breath yet laughing brings back vitality suddenly im good go again fucking perfect cant tell im still sometimes quite honest im beginning wonder downhill here delirium insane lately end intelligence slowly dissipates return random times basic math gone writing skills bye bye science learned failed major history organization next chopping block incoherent babble nonsense spewing onto keyboard recall watching friend diagnosed bipolar disorder gradually slipping cognizance senile old manbut also bright begin with yet mom experienced similar deterioration took year onset devolved shooting  caliber slug skull idiot ran business loving marriage took care three children perfect house perfect neighborhood socialized everyone doctors psychologists also figure hell happened her whatever malignant shit is obviously blood ive come terms that one else has also hoping works out maybe get degree meet awesome girl fall love move pnw start anew overly strange guarded tendencies suddenly subside ill find way career love finally get pieces gallery achieved within next couple decades course ive seen northernmost parts world yes fucking eyes anyone billionaire likely screwed maybe ill drive ruby beach spring string watching sunset know do honestly seem way current situation death aside end finding kind internal misery end daunting struggle okay maybe  chance scenario previously mentioned basically everything im aiming right now fails know unfortunately im past middle s according psychologists likely stuck with terrifies beyond words perhaps insanity mental degradation escape regard though terrifying acid trips years ago taught anythingi shit show ifwhen mind slips completely frank im tired want storm inside end no im talking jungian order vs chaos bullshit ive nature enough see chaos disrupted order stated before simply wish rest head grass bark old tree let last breath let earth devour me least month meditation mountains still keep breathing nervous system craves dissolution consciousness sex lights ecstasy whenever lucid enough think it entertains unparalleled dreams beautiful places exist moments actually fall asleep tell me this escape to thats obviously bullshit escape disintegration nothingness enticements nonetheless apparently nothing makes serotonin flow like suicidal euphoria keeps alive hope new experiences artistic endeavors getting fucking degree finally familyespecially family seeing struggles one suicide already infuriating know hell would willingly putting decide end own last thing give throw abyss im scared want believe keep alive