hopeless scaredhi reddit im longtime lurker need help family friends connected avenues communication feel comfortable talking people physical world reddit kind last shot want help think first please note im actively suicidal means hand anything resembling concrete plan however spent last two half weeks considering taking life things becoming solid day i figuring want belongings disposed considering best way make sure im found anyone know thinking method etc im starting scare myself seems culmination last three months loneliness stress ive always depressive though clinical depression undiagnosed parents want kid mental illness i  convinced depression minimum said last months struggle even standards normally able pull episodes couple weeks good things happen figure fight back one different since came college gotten progressively worse would say akin sinking beginning fine swimming strongly cheerfully going meeting people focusing studying working hard while started get tired swallowed water couple times started get tired one met wanted hang me invitations things inevitably pity invitations point im barely keeping head water cant focus cant study barely socialize like normal human anymore exceptional ive crawled come smiling two weeks ago nervous breakdown screaming crying hurting myselfthe works scared me want hurt anyone drag anyone mess im quickly becoming go down want take anyone me deserve treated way treat them im angry sad time one needs that one needs person like me bring value lives im good writing thats literally have skills talents im kind im smart im good enough around people im waste space one good friend started build social circle one new friends like much furthermore friend disgusted see every time talk thinks im angry loud negative want part this love i love her begun try distance her deserves much better me would anything her im stepping away her tearing apart got friends miss me know sound articulate thats feel constantly state simultaneously nearpanic neartotal apathy everything scares cant make care anymore know logically people would care gone time know would better without me im drain everyones resources time deal ongoing issues go counselor im terrified theyll drop psych ward throw medications me forget me cant talk family would panic cant talk friends know tell this cant even get contact regular internet friends force reveal people want know im fucking disintegrating know much longer hang on want kill every day wonder bother living ive scratched safety pin last two weeks coping mechanism people would miss gone sure theyd hell lot better fucking everything constantly im scared fucking alone please help me