mother might covid shes  miles away mother dies im committing redflag guaranteedok little myself born raised small poor country south america father abusive absent mother stay home mom one sister  ive living us past  years sister living europe man husband met online  time thing life europe husband cares little parents me last time saw six years ago  doctor trained home country middle becoming licensed us one test go cant take covid medicine brutal chances matching residency slim time passed since graduated medical school live wonderful man takes care loves much ive known  years unemployed feel worthless feel like chance making anything life gone future used feel like promise feels like threat somewhat ok health chronic back pain need surgery cant get corona might also nerve damage pain might go away even surgery long without proper treatment doctors saw first ignored complaints suggestions getting imaging hunt pcp would order mri back herniated disk compressing nerves dont know life without pain feels like everyday pain days good others bad pain never leaves mother shes experienced tragedy tragedy brother brutally murdered mothers day  years ago parents died  saw grieving death never recovered shes living alone home country shes complaining covid like symptoms country lockdown even wanted wouldnt able go see one last time flights honestly ive thinking killing however would never want put mother that always told would kill dies love want spare suffering life hasnt bad im tired needs met im pain career worked  years might never materialize plan shoot head inside rental car parking lot level  trauma hospital call police warn hospital go ahead harvest organs donation wanna die every day wake up first thing say oh comes nightmare want die im useless im broken im pain want over