hi everyone  year old male nurse working three years now diagnosed major depression high school along redflag tourette syndromei battling suicidal thoughts ever since high school hospitalized inpatient psychiatric facility three times cannot remember inpatient actually helped though receiving electroconvulsive therapy ect little year two acute series done ect ruined memory seem helping longer treatment done monday already feeling severely depressed suicidal tuesday night know doi could commit again brothers white coat ceremony coming need pto able fly see it also want family worry love reason killed yet also even know worth it inpatient three times already suicidal thoughts still therei couple good things going life though great job extremely loving family almost always willing put call know helps depressed mood told everyone talk regularly my brother sister aunt uncle dad mom feeling talking helps improve mood however struggling feeling starting call often want bother themto make things worse therapist currently maternity leave substitute therapist same top depression redflag severe unable make friends friend since high school friends twin brothers friends get flustered around people barely talk know everything feels like much tired frustrated ready everything over feel like depressed adult life