want die badly dont courage jumpim  year old im considering redflag light fucking issues ive stopped able cope with born disadvantaged ive dragging way life ever since born nvld adhd nvldor none verbal learning disorder basically causes issues everything fine motor skills spatial abilities understanding social relationships excelling rightbrained task limited career options made social relationships throughout life awkward superficial best suffice say stunted ability connect people endear myself career destroyer since literally every career requires least fundamental understanding social relationships visualspatialbig picture related cognitive skills iq demonstrates best performance iq  level someone borderline retarded verbal iq level someone gifted im basically walking parrot competent expressing verbally incompetent everything else done irreperqble damage selfesteem effects haunted throughout life ive always felt like loser incapable realizing ambitions succeeding anything beyond base goals this adhd another added injury insult placed strain already devastating cognitive deficits come suffering nvld ive never able achieve single thing worth mentioning entire life nvld holds back hindered suceeding endeavours ambitious am existential blight literally one greatest challenges life gradually pulvarized whatever selfperception selfrespect had also developed atopic asthma eczema allergies early young age  impaired ability engage athletics later s came influence health severely decisive manner three years ago  lapsed depression studying university degree history which never wanted forced pressure family one fields good at nvld giving good analytical ability verbal logical reasoning problems kept piling on  months introductionary classes could barely sleep subsequently developed major depression result suicidal thoughts barely functional forced drop university recovered  months bout already existing allergies amplified extreme making unable sleep due severe nasal congestion unable sleep  weeks straight poor reaction nasal cortecosteroids matter did still got poor sleep period full apprehension depression period blew over simply fucked zombie slowly began recovering that month later develop acid reflux sent another period depression anxiety added effect unable eat months recover slowly acid reflux never went away neither depression anxiety caused lose weight since insomnia anxiety depression barely able cope with ate ton without thinking sleep deprivation caused eat normally do already overweightfrom isolation adhd causing poor satiety suffice say ive past  years developed sleep apneawhich hereditary problem multiple chemical sensitivity former causing additional memory motor cognitive deficitssomething learned studied disease meticulouslyones irreversible adding additional issues already addled dysfunctional brain causing cognitively impaired premorbid state latter basically making unable function like normative person rendering completely unemployable long term prognosis life quality health someone issues poor zilch since mcs according current research basically untreatable avoidance exacerbating enviroments form treatment available besides sleep apnea causing become dysfunctional beginning irreversible brain damage ive researched possible solutions months way fix situation fail find nothing possible way treat brain damage osa possibly reverse cognitive dysfunction caused learning disorders via regenerative technologies still infancy seem like distant mirages desert actual available treatments could restorw previous level functioning mcs anotger issue struggle with etiology completely unknown longterm prognosis poor since treatments even recognized many worlds medical institutions people mcs end isolation life long issues short becoming paraplegic suffering severe brain injuries developing terminal cancer als ms probably worst life outcome person experience way around it like falling bottom less pit incarcerated cage bottom ocean almost nothing fix situation except try adapt vain find nothing nothing left there im tired humiliated given shortend stick life people know least successful functional enough get life born way never choose life conditions given ive stopped able cope them fail finding ways rationalize make justifications continuing miserable existence longer keeps finding ways fuck head turn everything me know choose stay whatever happens ill never find place contentness happiness life spend days bed trying numb myself complete apathy lethargy deliberating whether kill try accept things are life ahead looks grim future prospects look bleak barely worth effort continue cant dont really want hack anymore im pretty much dead everyway counts idea im writing this needed write this