dont want locked medicated else besides redflagbeen depressed nearly  years tried everything give up im going die dont know else do thats psych drug pushers people threatening lock up anything im missing  depressed since  divorcedrinkingfailing school time hospitalized  weeks getting drunk threatening hang myself depressed ever since never friend isolated alone zero self esteem whole life end  first time opened family bad felt everything except suicidal encouraged move home unemployed hated home friends got even worse paid thousands see therapist got temp job quit drinking not ever major issue patient program  weeks tried two antidepressants exercised ate better self help books fucking everything sertraline  days gave horrible reaction begun hear thoughts night hypnagogia wellbutrin gave tinnitus symptoms still stopping drugs doctor doesnt give shit wanted take try new ones spinning wheel picking random drugs toy sensitive nervous system got accepted college program september got summer job started week eight hour shift work  hour rest time even boss smokes makes stupid jokes government job see family weekends im alone every night cottage woods friends fucking depressed despise every way always hate breathing air im losing mind cant handle alone theres one therapist hour radius tried week kind sucks already doesnt listen wants take drugs almost hospitalized me everything feels fucking pointless dont give shit anything cant connect anyone totally hopeless future dont understand people live people kids people work honestly feel like barely anyone happy people trapped biology force live stupid im going keep working manual labour crummy jobs whole life alone forever always feel much shame guilt self hatred man feel sicking breaking back cold barely skimp overpriced gouging economy barely hour going bed wake pointless boring stupid fucking job this dont want alive fact literally thing keeping alive past year dont want destroy family fuck do seriously need big change cant talk anyone shotgun taken ill locked up lose job shamed everyone miss college forcefully injected drugs even could talk anyone anyone wants put everyone drugs it youre treated though youre delusional rejecting treatment give up really want destroy family never wanted here fucking fault get hurt never wanted here least know tried least  years good times them thing care about thing feels real yet dont even get along anymore think im better dont talk personal stuff going come shock still ive taken care affairs spot picked out know exactly aim shotgun ill drunk it phone home dad amd gf weekend thats time fill disgusting brain lead