mi know do nothing makes happy more last year alienated friends past  years exception one saw today even felt like spark more others  people decided excommunicate simultaneously still fully understand why traumatic time people held closest heart turn backs left feelings hatred towards feelings total emptiness unbearable lonelinessi feel unlovable unlikeable look mirror hate see looks aside loathe person become past years find hard make friends anyone else know would want friend awkward shy ugly nothing offer situation feel like every interaction forced even try hardest still painfully obvious insecure wretch unemployed uneducated longer anyone talk besides councillor week sure really much either longer enjoy anything used interest me even given music point want companionship feel like ill never able attain become fucking numbed boring one ever wants befriend me know want life feel like real guidance destined work soul destroying jobs hate make miserablei feel alone unable anything feelings good enough constantly push people away fear might see way see myself even want try more every time something good still manage fuck beyond repair end back square one life feel like worth pain loneliness understand ever get better feeling like end rope