redflag note would like feedbackive written redflag note ive sat weeks thought bounced back antilife always finds way id like critique it maybe another set eyes it im curious people would think im thinking ill post facebook decide jump parking garage im afraid falling regretting decision way dont guns dont want buy either think jumping might best dont want chances regretting past point return is small child thought universe solely existed torture dungeon specifically designed cause universal suffering thought existed solely pain plagued  years ago maybe even  perhaps even  hard say mind gradually changed time since ive made significant lifestyle changes something ive probably  times much come always feint feeling hope inside me hope desire change seek life want live become best version myself small hope reality actually something inherently good ive actually worked theory formula proving positive existence reality ive hit pretty big snag time around ive smaller psychological breaks one might one in perhaps depression self destruct mechanism genetically dead ends perhaps someone born without emotional needs met young age perhaps never taught tools form relationships human beings enter self destruct mode depression eventually kill allow resources socialemotional bandwidth better people perhaps people inherently stronger them like form natural selection built right dna perhaps depression redflag isnt abnormal perhaps fact people like born abnormal depression breakdown psyche eventual course correction redflag put another way fact someone depressed natural death assured via psychological natural selection perhaps process supposed happen people like me im error struggled depression since remember probably elementary school even preschool alone entire life preschool id hit kids wouldnt hang me wouldnt hang hit them feel echoes well adulthood maybe im still lonely maybe unloved perhaps never exist first place redflag course correction bloodline perhaps stop here hope ive explained well enough might bit esoteric basically youre suicidal youre supposed die isnt struggle depression youre supposed succumb depression die trying live whats abnormal every time see large group friends usually social media living lives want live happy couple enamored romance im hit intense unending jealousy always wanted loved always wanted apart bigger whole could never alone again since middle school always dreamt wife kids nothing makes happier thinking married life something simple grocery shopping wife playing kids beach seems paradisal me highest pleasure think of isnt meant me kind happiness never mine fought entire life  years maybe sign universe telling bow out self destruct mechanism certainly seems like it else born way never consented existence anyways prison isolation ups life ploy effort cause maximum despair im allowed positive life experiences next negative experience crush even harder last process entropy completely crush soul theres shortage young men feel do youre wondering school shootings happen look african proverb takes village raise child village rejects child child burn village feel warmth secret plain day young men things feel isolated unloved uncared for isolation gives way depression jealousy jealously gives way anger anger hatred people technically structure reality mass shootings like twisted way showing god awful feel inside expression dread anything im like though dont hate people love humans anything thats hate home time want surrounded lots people time want one them want human too human enjoy life enjoy compassion love enjoy acceptance reality instead feel cast heaven straight hell love universe never something could have existed torment me depression sign god sign never exist first place ive written past maybe didnt get everything out feel cold alone loveless weak pain im tired sorrow dread tired fighting life im tired working meaningless jobs shit benefits quit job currently community college transfer university cant help feel like ive made huge mistake chasing dreams cant get full time job ive sent apps part time jobs reply im broke money im couch surfing weeks worth oatmeal breakfast lunch dinner healthcare expensive isnt offered part timers im tired living like this thats want end it im genetic error im thing wasnt supposed exist thats ones burden own bow out feel like say thanks everyone whos helped come far dont even know real not maybe one grand illusion maybe life one long nightmare im sorry death causes pain please understand isnt way time say goodbye thank you thats it im totally sold redflag yet feel like close dont think ive included everything here think gets point across