desperate helpthis third time pleading help here received reply first two times edge know why interest anything keep thinking everyone hates me feel owe everyone favor dying thus making lives better know perhaps true sane part outshadowed insane part  attempts last couple months freaked out tiny rational part brain striving live  want live mother but find support anywhere friends deserted found acting wierd depressed social anxiety right childhood situation become worse past couple months even courage go office now cant summon courage talk anyone social contact visit supermarket avoid talking anyone dont courage go psychologist help too live country far far away mother cant disclose condition family consider mental illness taboo suicidal feelings selfish desperately want live mother waiting successful man career wise etc something else pulling makes die everyday daily routine  wake elaborate plans redflag around noon time comes forcefully make think mom somehow survive afternoon optimistic start getting normal again evening get thoughts spend night thinking next days plan redflag tired want way out rational part states things going fine need wait human mind accept much torture friends ones deserted seeing suicidal behavior seen reddit filled kind souls would one spare couple minutes help out begging you survive this grateful life 