trying stay strong know options want throw life awayive long history depression anxiety usually im able push things stabilize enjoy life next wave hits another wave hit weeks ago one hit hard hard enough first time ive taken action woke next spilt bottle pills vodka dry heaved hour calling work sick next two days scared shit me scared enough touched alcohol past two weeks still feel bad day want whatever snapped inside night happen again six months ago started new job knew would challenge opportunity turn down lately barely make show even fill spot desk know made huge mistake feel stomach tighten up thats feel time depression affecting performance makes feel even worse know people noticing want better cant right now im afraid theyll either find someone better ill drive snap again want feel like failure certainly stupid brain know options are keep grinding im afraid ill snap soon leave ill ruin opportunity possible future ones im leaving  months unclear reasons want throw career away never want end couple weeks ago either know right now