doeither death trying something might work make thoughts go away though another way prolong meaningless painful existence due fear dying think pussy seems coward top that nowhere go nothing do sort service would make worthwhile fit eg police forces im unstable inside head acting pretending whole life noone noticed fine doubt anyone will empathy required paramedic bachelors degree always thought work id help people since know abandoned etc fight crime stuff keep saying want save others unable save myself mind blood smell dead people cpr work out im quite cold empty inside unfortunately life like  future work would  among things hate much else say really papers filled might go next week im sure process long care it even want it id rather die could somehow fast painless see way it paramedic internship ambulance hospital quite nice importantly one things wanted do rewarding financially reality expected vast minority people need real help help all think police different force exists persecute people look opportunity fine them fucked either way saved draft might post it know many people calling kind