ready buy gun end alli delete  hours less background sexually abused toddler diagnosed ultra rapidcycling bipolar disorder age  manic delusions severe depression things get better high school got as  transferred year college moved  miles away city friends depression worsens hospitalized five weeks several medical leaves taken school girlfriend borderline personality disorder leaves  cruelest way imaginable attempts blackmail ruin life lie created diagnosed ptsd struggling finish degree age  hospitalized manic episode suddenly things start looking career schoolwise things may okay all age  coronavirus hits internship goes window classes moved online spring summer fall cant adapt online learning considering dropping out id move back home moms environment hate current relationship failing spectacularly person refuses talk me feeling like complete piece shit finishing school yet three friends life live major cities far away me plus girlfriend speak me every treatment tried illness failed  medicine psychotherapy ketamine tms fear getting older fear finishing school get career want issues sex due childhood abuse turn future partners cant live like anymore am ive researched buy gun state despite everything im pretty sure pass background check know id kill myself know song id listen it plan lengthy plan plan needed write out need someone listen judge many people judge life like entire family nobody sits fucking listens thats want someone anyone fucking listen