going kill todayi everything planned note noose pills empty house thinking weeks kinda feels like something im supposed do weird mental state somewhat akin nervous procrastination really feel like im compulsively keeping busy random chores ive already done  loads laundry today ill probably try keep mind wandering feel exhausted even though got surprisingly decent sleep every time sit still moment thoughts go drizzle downpour really dont want go on burden hate myself thing holding back family good friend dont want hurt pain intolerable mental agony every day want find peace