next stepsthis first time getting closer closer killing myself even first time planning it first time found easy painless clean way it first time packing things arranging apartment things taken care of late night friday home quietly watching qi pretty peaceful go sleep never wake up drug overdose painful messy want talk people know this and really long story last time here said goodbye wife it might well have different countries join here wanted break months silence mixed calling pleading loves me lapse silence finally divorced skype last  years living nightmare finish started miss every day even though ive done everything move betrayal love like last time saw her hugging kissing airport even though blamed many things fault im blameless never point open communication willing make change project try help relationship think end met someone thought better her id like say cant blame her good blaming giving benefit doubt everyone else fault everything could think of imagine im reluctant share im also aware trying goodbye conversation anyone something do want talk someone know necessarily stop though dump someone want help next steps cant take time work barely pay rent is im dog walker cant extended absence further former colleague work suicidal etc took big extended absence serve whole companys needs big disaster everyone already bad taste mouth that