ive made many mistakes deserve die anyone even one could read would help lot verdicthey using throwaway account obvious reasons justneed talk ive getting intensely suicidal comes waves theres moments feel perfectly fine even happy im cast deep depression remember terrible mistakes ive made ive wrestling depression four years now ive two redflag attempts already guess want know shitty things ive done guess thing keep mind iswell im autistic sometimes lack social awareness know better mention fairly sheltered homeschooled conservative parents ill let guys verdict end it  little kid like  years younger id sometimes open bathroom door sisters mom dad showering wanted get glimpse naked anything perverted like that thought funny went eeeeeeeeek never felt sexually attracted family thought disgusted me played prank understand context wrong one day tried like  dad pulled over crying thought trouble instead gave talk told like sister way hindsight think truebut worry sometimes subconscious sexual undertone it perverted know it younger might see glimpse family member naked disgusted me part curious justi think knew better  like  briefly touched cat penis like two seconds decided bad idea fact used touch sorts surfaces penis age thought revolts disgusts now feel like horrible person    girl admitted crush sure respond girl never told before thinking decided tell flattered young since different stages emotional development good idea issue uncle decided take away electronics reason decided bike house got address mutual friend told felt said beautiful kind person want break heart make feel rejecting ugly anything hugged told meant lot her turns already dating another guy  back age thought right thing hindsight find really creepy cringey   homeschool prom group photos stood behind girl bumped accident like three separate times move muscle asked okay stand said fine never anything kept brushing let happen butpart enjoyed that feels twisted hindsight  sometimes watch porn wellim lonely ive never girlfriend mainly lack confidence good social skills never watched porn thought actresses underage nonconsentingbut like one assumptions wrong saw something illegal even know it thought keeps night one time encounter website accident seemed hosting suspicious images might underaged girls horrified reported it felt horrible part kept telling monster sleep night started shaking crying work tell boss wrong beg let home early one coworkers saw crying comforted parking lot never told saw told strong got close redflag night voice head tried convince pedophile even though tried right thing  sometimes get intrusive violent sexual racist thoughts diagnosed ocd thoughts powerful start feel like impulses actively avoid close woman im afraid ill bump accident worse ill act sexual impulse never never ever want thought scares me feel like monster absolute monster im carrying constant shame guilt everywhere go ive told dad friends issues tell im worrying much things bad think are right deserve die decide