continuelast paragraph questions boiling mind parts little background am read it ill warn now kind place start off want say even living  years hard life pretty comfortable life far family friends always supported me never tried put down nothing support life yet felt lost empty almost hopeless near  years now male diagnosed aspergers  back then really understand meant mean knew slightly different fellow peers especially would able make small talk keep eye contact general social awareness made progress social aspects longer try avoid looking someones face talk able least make small talk introversion still level would almost make hermit necessarily feel introversion curse anymore years explore understand thoughts emotions led painfully introspective state go weeks without talk another person feel least bit lonely used beat up thought weird could go without human interaction prolonged periods mainly due caring others thought it necessarily problem anymore problem arises look life see nothing world worth going struggle living family primarily dad friends see studying obscure subjects that ever reason catches interest assume passion them thats problem necessarily passion subjects would call unhealthy obsession became anorexic  years became obsessed body looked  pounds lost  pounds span year researched read bodybuilding dieting affected body  feet tall little low especially since bodyfat measurement body pod read  fine still aware look know perfectly body reacts certain foods caloric intakes workouts family friends also see extremely intelligent pisses saying intense discipline again obsession feel smart feel rather stupid time seem found meaning passion life allows deal constant stress struggle living see it everything feels seems illusion me work survive find outlets tv games drugs etc take us away life seems everyone trying escape life one way another least people would love view world eyes would love find something could distract blaring fact everything ultimately pointless struggling live hit grave want find something would give reason continue on year goes by find resolve crumbling dad tried guilt taking easy way high school saying would destroy him even said knows playing guilt card many says people commit redflag selfish believe try keep people constant inner turmoil selfish could go left lot want write novel want know light end tunnel journey even worth taking find reason living convince view something meaningful convince pushing life everything ultimately meaningless almost feels like purposefully become insane believe fact work do emotions struggle go through worth end want state know one chosen finding meaning life mean special anyway want find reason method ignore looming despair