purpose reason live longhello fellow people another lonely th  yr old guy currently college spent last years battling depression every passing day hole appears getting bigger hope getting out high school guy none talked to one left hanging came group projects came hellhole without forming single meaningful friendship relationship anyone hoped going college would provide fresh start clean slate boy wrong instead got worse appears natural people repellent none ever wants sit next anywhere near me could sit center room near front people seemingly avoid like fucking plague dont smell bad anything tried make friends either seem interested push away short period time make matters even worse became fucking hopeless romantic let explain really start last semester literally envy every single couple see know feeling someone care you love you acknowledge existence literally become single thing think day out still well classes often drift think relationship constant thoughts never good enough anyone want grudgingly accepting fact likely die alone dont put one head that think im bad looking apparently am fucking bad understand girl could give simplest gesture smiling im stuck fantasy land head imagining us happily together hugging cuddling crushing never experience entire life know cant good enough one person home even worse bed thinking things willpower anything fucking point like tried get  tried praying appears every time things get worse pretty much stopped tried pills therapy nothing feel useless unwanted world want someone mercy kill me even attempted redflag one point decided live regret that maybe done continue living existence gotten worse past month taken classes summer stressed without would doubt even worse am one beacon hope me physics class cute girl notice week class made eye contact across room continued make eye contact find smiling me god cute one day go talk class conversation went well finally know felt something time maybe potential wanted back mind felt making something nothing spent lot time thinking her cute laugh smile fantasies relationship her hugging her cuddling kissing felt good pleasuring mind literally made happy sure enough mind right texted got left fucking read saying hi felt crushed literally broke umbrella threw dumpster sure enough world enjoys fucking decides start pouring feeling nothing inside walk slowly reach car soaked relatively calm person stress string bad events one another reached past breaking point stuck tonight alone feeling like garbage eating tub ice cream writing this im hoping get past reaching  otherwise going disaster wish worth one person know literally worst kind craving since feel cannot satisfy it gun drawer might well free live regret inside me alone none else existence merely waste space none even notice gone things might get better say all you someday find someone im fucking ugly none even acknowledges existence you could try praying becoming faithful things change already seen abandoned forgotten thrown aside ditch rot rest days try distract nothing entertains long even things used fun longer appeal me spend day bed appetite eat much might well