loose ends tied nowm ive feeling actively passively suicidal years   ive reached friends family hotlines ive dragged house cops hospitalized maybe time would switch actively suicidal passively reckless instead actual attempts two nights ago tried overdose near dozenth time failed next day agony got bed times throw up since moved much except small things like clean dog feed pets know looked go tied loose ends last weeks pushed friends away point hate me make things easier mention friends barely knew needed something im trans man ok insurance covers parts transition since live home rent free spare cash go student loans cover copays know im really fortunate life im college student as take maximum credit hours pass decent job pick hours make well min wage state mentors professors close contacts best schools state parents abusive family generally pretty ok except even working hrwk school full time making as parents think im enough every weeks threaten kick enough housework fast enough siblings treated way kind anything generally get yelled at live home im oldest youngest still feel alone incapable giving receiving love idea near people enough make skin crawl know like around me im ugly feel like imposter even constant overbearing urge kill bad life all next attempt going starving death hanging nobody bothers either easy enough