ive lost allif cared people thought me would commit redflag understood meant realized time three knew joy living put words describe feelings reason go school learn talk shy people always pointed things get want school help much except unnaturally loud voice gets peoples faces speak known put thoughts action mostly understand capability so every person born another competitor world elementary school young age different matter make friends one liked am people im boring person worth time talking smarter class put gifted class first grade nothing came it understand ahead others finished exams faster got top scores without trying boredom set in without friends tend lurk corner trying go library learn more second grade already hated school much wanted kill chancellor board education started plotting ways kill him course come fruition supreme willpower execute plan learning columbine helped see fact kill enough people revise plan inflict damage id estimate killing  people would sufficient plans then plus sparkle hope thinking things better future third grade painful sense work another person science project science projects awful sense create experiment given had made easy experiment fixed results never got good grades future individual projects mostly never proper tools begin with if choose life id alone forever everything want versus life people nothing would commit redflag instant life headed towards latter psychological evaluation every student time fourth grade knew redflag back then wanted it still glimmer hope things better weekend evaluation went library read world war world war ii mostly interested war history much carnage world created nuclear bombs dropped hiroshima nagasaki enthralled me weapons could instantly wipe entire city course feelings time alone solitude blurted statement psychologist baffled statement parents angry called school punished making statements school enacted plan play dates people class knew instant could never truly express ever fear punishment later night contemplated running highway jumping front train commit redflag decided lie things going better new challenges experiences await except one told involved burning bridges one would think going junior high school new people would change mind people would act suffice say made life even worse tried myself projects needed done group work carry rest group less interest hobbies used enjoy every morning would wake mental exercise saying myself why committed redflag today eventually knew answer nothing weak could go human instinct live need overcome order stronger like committed redflag me high school different sense get contact people mostly trying myself sure disgusted acting way principle mind use abuse relationships get want also id see rampant cheating exams order get toptier universities one would get caught punished realizing senior year needed come plan promote justice equality way show this one cant start immediately grand goal one must meticulously plan ahead see come fruition day vt shooting came air reported number dead  moving target pushed higher make name myself needed kill  people joked would become next shooter fit perfectly shooters mentality looks well luckily things died act upon urges shooter mentality bullying racism drives people commit acts atrocities things matter depressed think society effectively rejected world one find people mostly invisible rest us exhibit signs hostility towards themselves unless someone looks life closely one choose ignore signs shooters act acting anger attempting fit place want belong world much easier accepting heshe going alone rest lives living life way torture someone wants belong the keystone alone top course people continuously cheated throughout high school tended get better schools got ivy leagues felt slight resentment towards them realized needed game system benefit unfortunately learned lesson late college either chose go state university instead private ones would less debt pay future plan worked hoped go path internshipjob juniorsenior year however employer wanted speak even though comparable credentials everybody else know looked peoples resumes compare myself feeling dejected prospect job coming college applying  applications jobs internships compounded global recession realize bargained long why think almost literature dystopian future coincidence needed new reason continue living college costbenefit analysis comes in selfishness comes play long got benefit people pay cost would survive spite towards family graduating started looking work companies going job fairs meeting new people networking gone year now applying  positions inperson  applications online soundly rejected various points hiring process even worse hearing response every day look news disillusioned ive become abject failure ive always considered failure new low myself currently work parttime selfemployed investments odd jobs babysitting tutoring also heard dad going lose job couple weeks would great time commit redflag costbenefit analysis showing benefits going much anymore biggest question whether go bang whimper well thats it get fulltime position two weeks know choice made fear weakness weaknesses must exploited