truman burbankim psychotic schizoeffective im legal trouble irresponsibility im violent im probably going jail soon feel numb it feels like im truman burbank except never actually find fake feels like life running joke everyone laughing behind scenes waiting finally reach cross line end it psychosis feels real realer real always proves wrong family thinks im crazy understand completely change feel inside head maybe die ill finally know wish never existed fantasize time dying falling asleep never waking up paying someone shoot fatal dose fentanyl crashing car full speed highway buying shotgun blowing roof mouth out jumping death drowning cinderblocks chained ankles wandering aimlessly wilderness night starving death therapists worked hospitals worked meds worked  months sobriety worked despise waking every day im ungrateful im majorly depressed idealize death feel void everything positive wish could wipe memory wish could start over wish everyone forgot was wish never existed first place