lostits year since mom died since then proper sleep get anxious stressed littlest things feel like waiting something bad happen break way happened already suicidal thoughtsideations never diagnosed though never courage to mother special never would deserve her one knew one confided in guess now know exactly know feel sometimes hits me fear fear feel like thing stopping thought grandmother might make finally get courage listen impulses guess fake well sometimes wish someone would notice care funny it one really cares pretend do guess im sad angry tired past days feeling time stronger