want kill myself realise factual level probably end line meive poverty entire adult life severe developmental disabilities compounded trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma trauma im trying take inventory remaining options stare one looks appealing dying really working family  bank account way ever make money ebegging anymore cant beg life accused scammer stalked rumours spread whatever else people get upset wanting super friendly cheerful everyone want place say live one live anywhere want sense permanence life income home family live hostel visa country runs less week know im going know maybe want kill all ive keeping drunk days days much handle emotionally even drink killing starts look like genuinely viable option table know id rather die put one problems anymore