im failure disappointment theres nothing left guilt continueive always said would kill life got hard believe god afterlife always seemed like right thing do life philosophy enjoy myself thats longer possible whats point everything want be im  year old college dropout virgin living moms basement working dad buried debt getting high everyday got credit card debt time college im capable making longterm plans incapable following short term gotten better ive spent last two years active goal getting credit card debt im exactly started id worse already hit credit limit im sure money guilt let everyone know love many occasions lost faith me rightly so im flakey promise something might it conscience would let live like that feel terrible every time go back word every time much suspect ive let someone down thing kept going till constant deep feeling guilt way live selfmotivation cant anything unless someones breathing neck it left devices get high play video games masturbate sleep wake up rinse repeat let lizard starve dehydrate point finally tried give water weak drowned it got puppy previous roommate neglected took one day got hit car better fate him two weeks ago skipped entire week work gone work since thanksgiving now im embarrassment dad wants well tries push me respond said word since sunday even tell coming in id feel worse im coward sense responsibility willpower commitments end disappointment guilt myself somewhere along line failed learn basic human social skills cant carry conversation get scared cant describe ideas anyone im reading book ask it give dismissive answer go back reading im asshole scare shit me im terrified touching people anything attentiongetting poke hug hell cant even say peoples names feels wrong this takes huge amount effort even social situations let alone try talk people end isolated choice hating it thats comes to im selfish loathsome person hate it feel nothing guilt selfloathing except im escaping drugs entertainment thing stopping killing figuring best method leave notes for edit drove around today looking good place jump from find one spent rest day weedfueled haze friends house almost entirely quiet drifting consciousness then coming home pulled cemetery spent next hour holding knife throat listing reasons die obviously it called therapist schedule appointment soon possible clearly antidepressant longer cutting it im going talk mom attempt tomorrow morning dad work hope best that thanks everyone posted morning sure last day im sure long ill keep it given strength try longer