need advice anyone willing listeni tried kill last saturday night uncle wake next morning instead me feel like fault feel like responsibility live happy fulfilling life owe him would want to im depressed ever guilt pressure happy like everyone wants getting everything uncle alone cant tell family theyre already grieving want worry more theres much could help already myself bipolar disorder bpd among disorders live with know depressive episode pass worst long time nowhere things got really bad last saturday night found  stories top parking deck looking down hours staring crying thinking decided go home overdose instead obviously work throwing feeling like shit days afterwards past redflag attempts ive realized wanted live afterwards ive happy alive time different feel worse ever maybe uncle passing away im sure want disappear think death almost constantly barely bring smile today first day back work since saturday everyone knew something wrong cant even fake anymore day today thought going back parking deck it ive thought going back mental health facility area ive stayed twice things keeping going though health insurance dad lost job weeks ago family lost health benefits theres way could afford pay hospital own family might willing help want put them would also labeled addict forced go recovery program smoke marijuana daily basis really helps depression anxiety mood swings paranoia etc would test positive means theyd make focus addiction problem push mental health problems side ive seen happen people there leave without getting real help need also stopped taking medication months ago stopped seeing psychiatrist therapist that im tired rely medication function like normal person able feel happy im open medication options could find would actually work thats without even considering cost psychiatrist medication hospital theyd force medication throat add list bills anyways going hospital going back therapist psychiatrist whatever doctor option anymore since health insurance cant afford it getting help expensive sad guess im kind loss im feeling nearly suicidal earlier gave cut myself want want die every second im awake best friend told knows want die made angry want die family want die genuinely hate do cant shake feeling im going make christmas year guess im ventingranting expect anyone read respond this know point is