yo male good life experiences including backpacking vietnam visited paris barcelona enjoyed cities like nashville boston montreal scottsdale moved fl gf  whim successful sales career making six figures since  averaged new car every  months currently  second home owned valued k working opening first business now i wanted include feel people know outside assume would extremely happy life successes anything caused pain loneliness things answer anyones depression also assume people appear good places really mind bandaid problems stuff hide problems ourselvesi struggled depression redflag whole life early rd grade remember pitifully trying strangle balloon string sounds silly unrealistic looking back tried ecstacy handful times never conjunction peaks depression redflag almost  years car business definitely worsened depressionredflag significantly left explore start business really took toll myself worsened since took buproprion sertraline  months ago losing insurance recently girlfriend decided ecstacy us home extremely therapeutic regard mental health  health downsides sure this extremely infrequent use worried downsides helped meto describe mental health state prior to felt empty constantly fight flight little enjoyment anything found breaking crying often breaking point breaking crying felt guilty thinking badly wish could disappear unfair tell sister first child want watch grow tell girlfriend want start life family together would rather gone clarify want hurt kill myself cried even harder also destroyed realizing answer stay feel empty useless sake everyone else meant life pain me winningwhen ecstacy allowed feel assuming seratonin pump allowed appreciate able hold girlfriend feel joy feel much meant much enjoyed presence allowed remember made life worth living happiness like able work thoughts inside fresh palate open mind able address things afraid address think ways able long time shit eating grin entire time felt alive again next day even better much lesser baseline enough get day ability feel good eventually euphoria went away mind ease high stopped still able work thoughts affirm reasoning around unlike drugs likely remember experience ecstacy similar drugs take away thoughts you all stuck place unable crawl out honestly feel controlled experience like may good let revisit life new perspective reason way hole curious hear peoples opinions this either against happy answer questions well anyone use ecstacy depressed experience