state  years ago back years ago march th  purchased mm handgun box bullets sat hotel room seattle washington ready die time processing military knew went home would regress work done growth would longer amount anything significant memories father beating screaming top lungs frivolous things outside always outcast family traditional methods discipline didnt work needed room grow support didnt receive apparently made shit kid didnt see anything joined military hotel room staring weapon recieved messages battle buddies believed needed get head that spent night carrying like bunch idiots night drinking saved life instead going back went college got back work setting plans accomplishing goals graduated back may nightmare realized familys home thing knew waiting me resentful father past prime bemoaning personal failures claiming superior knower things sister doctor married sister engaged settling successful career still single jobless honestly dont care anymore want die