it s tuesday evening and i haven t been able to fall asleep in a few day because i can not stop replaying a sequence of event at work from last week i talked it out with my coworkers and i know that i wa in the right there wa nothing i could have done to get a better result and it s ok everything s cool let s move forward with our life k i would love for it to be that easy but that squishy asshole between my ear ha a very different perspective on the matter so we can t move forward we haven t earned that yet we have to spend an indeterminate amount of time meticulously dismantling and examining every minute detail of the incident my action and the reaction of everyone else involved buckle up and grab a barf bag folk it s about to get real whenever i have even a tiny stretch of free time the film reel in my head alternate between warp speed and slow motion depending on circumstance and timing every minute or so my brain get the ball rolling with really all the thing you could have done and that wa how you handled it idiot followed up with whoa you ve got nothing to worry about bae you handed that shit like a champ before circling back to what the fuck is wrong with you why why would you do something so heinously ridiculous this is why nobody want to be around you this shit right here and after that we get another no don t listen to that mess you are entitled to occupy space on this planet without apoligizing for your own existence but then that s hilarious see how far that attitude get you tomorrow after everyone ha had time to think about what happened and they realize what an immature out of touch self centered asshole you are have fun dying alone and unremembered and then every few minute the pattern repeat itself in an infinite loop of madness half assed self justification and shame this can go on for day sometimes week or month but it never permanently stop sometimes a certain song a smell a facebook memory or a half heard remark from across the room will launch my as back in time to tear myself to shred over an instance that ha been dead buried and forgotten by the rest of the human race except for me lather rinse repeat go fuck yourself wave of abject misery and self loathing interspersed with flash of contentment that might occasionally brighten thing up but it never really stop or get any better the best i can really hope for is the drop off in frequency that occurs after a few week or ideally i might forget about the incident entirely until i get hit with a trigger again at least