ive wavering suicidal thoughts since  im almost  nothing going right im ready give uptitle remember miserable far back consciously remember remember calling redflag hotline  hung making excuses everything lady end saying trying help ive loser forever always picked on always forgotten always pushed aside im black sheep family theyre bunch pious christian straight white baptist fanatics im white bisexual atheist mom constantly tells need god tell anything personal dad brushes tells need happy tell anything personal ive downward fucking spiral since graduated high school moved parents got slapped paying stupid amount rent every month failed college programming class lost scholarship flopped around looking jobs dropped out took credit card debt fix car struggled paying rent lease ran out kept flopping around one job next moved back parents crashed car thats mention health issues ive got exact issues mom fibromyalgia though diagnosed benign tumor growing inside femoral neck hip causing suffer basically constant back hip neck pain today im living parents nowhere else go sleeping air mattress relying parents bicker constantly sort travel staffing agency im currently employed work thats within affordable travel range much job interview past  months despite efforts send applications even know fuck decided write this think anyone gives shit sure hell dont im ready give put bullet skull even privilege parents firearms wat do