left school pursue career enjoy love partner want alivei left school  take internship software company really enjoyed ended staying  months later got job company overworked paid peanuts put it age  flat living myself anyone elses standards well myself felt nothing owe parents copious amount money spending problems poor diet weight becoming problem real friends point feeling pretty down attributed mostly bad job had thought could fix getting another job did ive new job  months now feeling worse enjoy career love partner particularly feel like alive either keep invasive thoughts waiting train public ill stand right safety line train approaches think jump it nobody cares anyway physically turn away track train stop myself similar thing crossing roads late ill see car approaching ill slow think go on hit me please feel like im following routine dayin dayout waiting finally die im scared know get this need talk things someone