either everything nothing all fthis going quite long im sorry know going make sense need let can ill try coherent possible apologise nothing makes sense all title suggests either feel everything nothing all know describe mean everything basically everything feels intense like experiencing every emotion once suddenly everything shifts colourful nothing feel numb everything seems static drop one pole another frustrating tiring ive always sad growing up know dad pictures passed away car accident young fault though car ill child am simply born hed still world always think never got chance tell dad loved go him everyday think life around death affected family intensely relationship mum used quite good remarried really happy going partner fact still somehow get experience like father husband really nice use treated us like own child is completely understand naturally would love child us obviously arent related him starting feel like family isnt blood unfortunately husband attention starting shift step brother dont get wrong love step brother still close right now id understand think im selfish bitch here mother forgot us treated us like servants wasnt hard brother used scream lazy selfish retard ill suffer cystic fibrosis stuff related ill given already lol literally thought going kill one point furious started hitting head wall still remember evert bit event still dreams mum coming kill me despite anger towards though shed still pay medical bills im thankful that worst brother showing serious symptoms brain tumour didnt anything about found stroke uncles place happened mums probably didnt even get chance fight turns cancer metastasised lung found out passed away eight months diagnosis really shattered died talented  year old much expect future death uncle wife offered take ever since ive living them looking back time feel like coping quite well emotions boyfriend died  years ago met brothers death hospital cancer really didnt want lose anyone anymore started seeing even werent hospital whenever needed him hed make sure ive taken medication always reminded eat drink know kind sounds like tfios relationship basically like film really afraid enter relationship borderline personality disorder im bipolar well imagine hard person like that didnt leave told stayed despite awful things ive said him beyond amazing although ive thoughts redflag brother passed away become intense especially boyfriend passed away tried times got really close left coma days made everything worse especially second attempt psychiatrist gives medication week aunt checks every fucking hour check havent cut im still alive everything controlled around me feel trapped mind surroundings want live dont want live want feel better thoughts comfort zone dilemmas hard weigh neither choose live die life meant shorter everyone else cant deal physical torment mental torment go everyday body never peace mind cant even get lung transplant even wanted since mental illnesses ive attempted redflag couple times part wants another chance live im reliable enough sometimes feel like mind peaceful even feel like want live another bipolar cycle become depressed hell right makes want kill myself depressed even something it really hard lately aunt makes big deal everything like staring knife dinner tons people lectured wrong commit redflag learn find worth life dont get it im running towards death everyday twenty ive lived average life expectancy cf patients everyday passes part body deteriorating someone whos capable ending life expected carry extremely suffering capacity slowing getting worse hoping life taken away live ive seen others battle cf pass away pure torture earth redflag crime modern society know long word vomit dont care one reads it thank much though did wanted write feel like someones listening