retarded fuck up know tired hearing tired hearing school counsellor soccer coach telling shit like it head get head useless combatchallenge negative thoughts surely one would think capable basic human tasks ie fucking everything do basic tasks sport talking people giving people eye contact gods sake would need artificially boost esteem are capable things capable functioning socialable human know fucked selfesteem is sometimes well actually time hate fucking shower hate seeing disgusting retarded fucking body mirror despite told skinny normal etc etc still feel still fat fucking retarded loser pretty decent school got estimated atar  year  wanted pilot raaf fuck ever going achieve autistic bumbling piece shit retard cannot conversation mates one one speeches class hell even school fine comes talking someone conversation cannot literally want kill escape remember early  i think plusoned since never get invited parties even friends girls party somewhat crush if would even call that think ever spoken her even day socially inept fuckwit am practically held mercy friend group slowly deteriorated spoke guys women know party eventually alone kind awkwardly sitting phone corner everyone fun pool want know thinking everyone exploring teenage lives girls fun mates thought could smash skull edge pool hard enough would knock drown wish begged gun could shoot fucking head eventually nerve walk party mates asked going want leave staying party would done far harm good estimate fact know would made depressed walk home already going walked home cannot normal like everyone else child spent  childhood staring wall watching tv one ever home fat little fucker throughout entirety primary school picked fat cunt subconsciously impacted selfesteem time  got completely dacked pullup oval infront entire fucking school i already social redflaghaving fucking retard back then holy shit typing feels good man wow asperges fucking know social redflag know shy know depression know hope kind hope time reason mentally fucking defective know fantasized killing since  year old nofap merely granted time think badly want kill myself bad want buy gun join army shoot fucking skull obliterate existence earth note like people say given humanity turning back humanity angry society humanity know issue defect lonely love solace hole in melancholy feels warm cozy feels like belong feels like stay give fuck anymore want die maybe regret kill one day tired autistic little fuckup loser sometimes get mad feel redflag like rant head much fucking fat little cunt fggot fucking loser feels good sometimes like pretend holding gun head or mouth hand pretend pulling trigger anymore remember little younger used go sleep making prayer eastern orthodox pray god kill end life listing thoughts feels little disjointed apologise wish could normal wish hate existence being body stupid ugly fucking face wish could look people eye talk them wish could talk people wish could talk girls wish could feel not lonely done research things brings back started it head get head useless combatchallenge negative thoughts read that kind liked brought full circle know stuff helping social redflag stuff people say talk people talk strangers even shallow talk etc get easier sure maybe might want try man fucking sick strive average instead being average want try want kill bother give up reading message might bit smug say then it nothing stopping you it going another statistic really think care another statistic gun would already killed lmao would probably dead pool couch fucking know listening radiohead writing things putting good album feels right wrap here fuck people cocky people arrogant become overconfident want shit man surely better every thought brain either plea suicide neutral thought manifests negative one anyways think smug retarded essay comment guys think something know block text go unnoticed even advice dunno totally given yet thanks guys self esteem  kind listing things get chest