ruined life year ago want outabout  months ago decided trans started process even changing name ive never less happy want old self back longer try pass woman already changed name body horrified spend rest life like this see mirror feel sense immense detachment scientific curiosity horror rage regret retrospect life already sucking severely and still am totally empty empty inside nothing else pursue think part wanted make interesting someway research jumped right in nothing lose thought one reasons getting close redflag friends career anything fill void one hobby music hack think im insecure core really make anything resembling art  confidence attention span however work basically spend day singing playing recording myself much frustration sound flat awful guitar ever helped weekend planning selling donating gear recently mom came visit stayed motel room live in seemed desperate take back home midwest turn life around go back really hope find way this honest wonder im supposed commit redflag perhaps brain already afflicted chemical imbalance lack stimulation staged rebellion circumstances push brink ive definitely prone selfdestructive behavior past never went something impulsively before