point afraid living dyingi  year old male complete failure made really regretful choices choices affected anyones elses life own replay everyday done instead try tell made choices severe depression anxiety suffering last  plus years lately within past month dwelling even little memories felt made wrong decision reacted people wrong manner moments replay head utter complete hell little background therapist since  forced therapy sexually molested family member  years old hated going therapist refused tell happened instead played chess would talk mom eventually gave forcing go hated time therapist think refuse go now mom left society week ago due mental health issues begged go get professional help refused continue refuse point hope gone nothing left salvage good person friends due isolating myself eventually people give you repeatedly ignore them single date five years virginity still intact close five siblings know extremely affected days feeling less depressed usual fantasize married kids quickly come back reality someone pass genes offspring thing hurts much seven years ago place could gotten married younger plan life would grown up dreamed life surrounded family created none going happen painful type this wish emotional person typing get help pity random internet strangers hoping might gain clarity reading back apologize none makes sense complete ramble session going go back edit