reasons guessgrowing up parents addicted pills still alcoholics relatives aunts uncles cousins grandparents etc shunned parents way lived remember always feeling place family gatherings cousins dressed cutest things new game consoles clean houses always talked trips gone on going mall shopping listening felt different im oldest three girl memories infant carrier watching dad beat mom memories toddler baby mom driving find dad cheating leaving car yelled outside window strange drove bar months back friends pulled up memory washed back me clearly remember even parked car seat front facing assume around   car seat behind passenger side seat extremely tired mom woke drive left car ran inside bar dozed back off know long woke pushed car window next me parents screaming eachother eventually got car mom sobbed entire way home kept saying things like who women kissing her asking types questions pretended asleep memories like come back there fuzzy clear day like night night punched dad face stealing money moms purse later met guy highschool summer sophomore year year older lost virginity fell love like stupid kids do together   years least  spent beaten like mother entire time cheated on started using drugs him weed first synthetic marijuana adderall molly finally left met nice guy came back life resorted back toxic life slept him hed changed right came senses got back together nice guy month half us back together found pregnant know father was knew beginning stayed allowed enjoy pregnancy every time near family would ask planned take dna test refused invasive test pregnant get done with driving home hospital awful slept since delivering son lost lot blood doctors monitoring levels discussing blood transfusion regardless tired was made take pitstop way home newborn dna testing center swabbed things seemed better besides normal sleepy life comes new parent results came in saw email closed laptop left days son belong him tried make work guilt pain situation got best us left lived alone one bedroom son that car job relying mom everything found job got car things seemed better job met ex husband clicked well cant even describe it moved slowly filled tiny apartment furniture decor pictures us took car work one dat cheat me cheating continued off swore stopped changed got married  years later divorced cheating never really stopped im living room moms sleeping air mattress nothing name account negative cant work enough catch bills im drowning school trying get degree better son trying right struggling bad pass get assignments done time work pay bills good mom spend time top still dealing attacks mental poison ex husband feels like endless loop today birthday wish would done today son reason im alive