know much longer hold on need help think redflagive depression life gotten worse lately read dad letter wrote got mad letter saying im making stress worse feel like thinks differently now know want die need help copy paste letter j read him understand god choose depression maybe thinks strong handle maybe test see overcome it believe born it nothing caused it nothing mom caused it depression feels drowning swimming pool people around swimming even though drowning see nobody going save me depression got  worse papa got sick died matter much try cannot overcome death longer cry dead depression makes difficult forget move on made feel could longer strong family redflag planned december th  stocked well advance sleeping pills morning took pills realizing done forced throw up going sound stupid childish papa died skittles one helped stay calm could sense emotions depressed crying would come stay side calmed down even though antidepressants still good bad days good days happy charlotte bad days even recognize myself bad days think death done papa skittles again several suicidal thoughts since attempts bad days thing saves completing redflag marijuana makes happy makes forget depression exist marijuana know view drug dont cannot view something drug keeping normal saving time redflag medication much respect house however feel like time come home brandts lying you hate go happy normal again know used use using way agree need okay using backyard none neighbors outside want go behind back rules truly something need