depressedanxious life spent youth moving around small outsider kid would always target bullying learned hide emotions fake okay draw attention away myself spent time books imagining fantasy worlds life made close friend rd grade another subject bullying although abused well confided th grade realised wanted live anymore shamefully tried end friendship could deal feelings felt sorryit time started dropping hints parent admired time masked panic child might issues told talking problems okay people around me grew close friends none could trust fully feelingsthese past years slowly settled gone university find failure address mental health resulted apathy studies hobbies developed real deep friendships cannot find trusting emotions people do relieved hurti completed subject past couple years past due graduate cannot keep lying parents live with cannot tell truth either one parent socially inept understanding background mental health grew abusive household difficult time confusing honesty manipulationi never hurt myself know tell people feel without like manipulating them burdening them feeling like shit receiving end know difficult hear know tell parents