 weeks birthday thought day making want diein two weeks birthday  life planned bad depressingly lonely knowing ill old causing lot emotionsi feel like ive wasted youth ive lost chance meaningful friendships life feel positive fantastic job im youngest teacher local college teach subject interests get paid talk it enough no still feel like zero idea want life kind fell jobi think deserve it majority coworkers age mom awkward social them maybe heightened friend family odd two days ago thought death rapidly brain used go dance gymanstics everyday miss it miss healthy body it everyone else seemed make friends easily always sideline miss dance wish made friends easily everyone else did call grandpa amp grandma least day gives someone talk to bother mom loves rarely time me try calling usually answer life thats fair enough im close sister hard im  turned i really talk superficial level boyfriend amazing still feel incredibly lonely think feel sad me know im lonely think realize actually friends friend honestly toxic talk anymoreprobably best still miss friendship asked think reasons kill myself im skinny enough die pet skinny pig even though rarely shows love hed starve without me family would wreck fair them live alone social distancing would lot effort im scared side cant listen hamilton watch bojack dead cant start dancing dead cant write dead video chat loving niece dead legacy die now never seen star wars land disneyland yet mom would never forgive you get cook again get perform again breathe take breathe cant cry im actually video write down class assignments little realize writing kill want to keep saying things okay keep trying make things okay keep trying add new lights lifebut everything okay stop stop focusing negative breathe in out in out need go back teaching class pretend none feelings here important thing is safe much want harm know writing helped feel less anxious feel like focus reasons kill myself start