wake every morning wanting die first thought have recently fixated gunshot temple sometimes noose times imagine jumping thousandth floor trump tower thoughts urges obsessive intrusive uncontrollable mornings worst contend thoughts throughout day everyday actively fight near constant basis sometimes physically stopped inch short plunging kitchen knife abdomen almost thrown onto trans canada highway came pretty close jumping bridges attempted suicide several times hospitalized ten times think future much do catastrophize worry homelessness car accidents cancer living survival mode makes difficult dreams goals living day day hour hour trying hang on grumpy bitter short tempered scroll facebook hours upon hours dulls pain sometimes watch cnn day cope absolutely mind numbing isolate hard leave house barely sleep difficulty feeding myself depressed usually depressed half year suicidality limited depressive episodes suicide hijacks brain regardless mood emotional state depressed thoughts suicide response deep hopelessness suicide seems like way end endless suffering clinically depressed still suicidal thoughts urges intrusive impulsive come nowhere replace shades negative emotion instead feeling irritated become suicidal annoyed suicide disappointed death middle ground nothing black white live die life better part decade much help people like me antidepressants work types medication hospital makes feel worse lack empirical data suggest hospitalization reduces suicide risk may actually increase risk long term besides best advice emergency room doctors give distract activities enjoy problem enjoyed activity years suggest calling friend ran years ago real treatment person like dialectical behavioural therapy expensive involved complex treatment take years complete master dropped three programs another matter altogether dbt teaches manage inevitable suicidal thinking borderline personality disorder suicidal ideation something may learn live with important note everyone bpd experiences chronic suicidality however  bpd sufferers die suicide people complete dbt learn manage thoughts eventually get better starting dbt week things different time ok read end ok