feeling suicidal overall fcking terrible deep down small twisted part feels good deserve every second miserytldr planning redflag fantasies bordering schadenfreude relationship intimacy issues selfhate paranoid others jealousy plague mind selfdoubt preface im writing phone autocorrect spelling formating good english good either feel free correct me dont plans it probably lack courage ive thinking daily or least couple times week long time feels like part me strange bodys instinct selfpreservation yet brain finds comfort relish pursuing mental anguish like hummingbird looking nectar suicidal fantasies feel soft sweet comforting like warm blanket wrapping around me safe dont know feels good reassurance fact always option enjoy selfinflucted schadenfreude if could call that moment start thinking realitically hit wall ill start thinking statistics showing redflags fail ill fail im plain jane whose exception surviving redflag actually worse dying in eyes unwanted repercussions would make regret seek redflag even more life objectively bad fact id say average hope im arrogant im saying might potential better now even solar system or even orbit people look admire one always improve dont know far reach theres even limit now one thing keeps better way myself  norwegian word redflag selvmord translates selfmurder now degree way think redflag graetly varies almost always want inflict damage part me fantasies redflag may stem desire killing part myself part bad part ive managed coexist majority life feel slowly dominating controls body noticable manner thoughts bit paranoid im throughoutly convinced friends even loved ones genuinely despise me every little action make interpretted scheeming making fun me dont know anyone would take advantage theres nothing good take me despite new fears fact frequent cant shake scaring me days convinced even dear sister detests prescence people honestly want and wouldve wasnt that warning long unecessary rant ahead ltrantgt younger didnt large variety potential friends anchored one girl could actually bear existance honestly relief one friend kindergarten she darkskinned girl there sadly left over rest bullied made feel terrible things couldnt change things defined me dark place socially shone like star distance closer got her clearer things got you thought would say brighter right mightve notsosmart kid still am knew using me told one day got bullied bit herself combined way treated like me immediately forgot offered opportunity girls felt used longlost friend kindergarten returned fifth grade immediatley loved everyone including me friend lets call eva differentiate furious mean bitter me built small empire schoolyard crumbling quickly eva desperate power tried turn everyone friend failed fortunately burnt bridges we dont go school now friend were still close friends currently bffs eva still terrible person stand experience least taught spot bad apples witv someone desperation ltrantgt reason mentioned event yikes rambly bitter fcking primary drama lmao trusting people fear intimacy ties back everyone hating me actually fucking crazy mind stretch bend like bloody playing twister find ways people hate me picture this youre sitting bus minding business see two people whispering eachother catch one briefly looking you sinking feeling hits you theyre taliking you youre useless even family thinks youre whiny dumb selfobssesed ugly look strangers finished talking looking eachother laughing see fucking see dumbass youre nothing prime entertainment them walking trainwreck people poke fun instant dopamine would almost shame killed yourself would people talk about youre good pleasing people best could do another voice head joins conversation said ever think you god youre selfobsessed course people dont always think even youre trash they like you lives live dont care shut up someone actual worth would able catch attention like that someone likewise hideousness youre unremarkable ways didnt even notice you think it mightve laughed that point youre immersed thoughts dont notice strangers leaving destination almost passed thats type thought processes everyday situations triggered simple gestures hate it hate it hate it im insecure person ive ever seen looking mirror makes nauseous sheer hideousness inside out even believe i know albeit denial fear confrontation one cares theyre faking dont want cause harm talking feelings redflag cause harm too matter mental battle mind well might dramatic thing ive ever written makes rather embarassed despite that im trying push beyond ill explode or implode already told friend suicidal thoughts worried made guilty make feel way deserve it internet place vent into feel selfish want people read desperately need second opinion writing made realise things know affecting me worst thing is scratch surface like fact im always sad unmotivated fact opposite point think im cured somewhat good person id rather plague person reading if someones reading this thank you really makes day im feeling sorry too