constant  feeling hopelessi sick feeling super depressed mixed anxiety hopelessness im  dropped first year college november spent money college super excited for friends friends hometown lost college lost friends made college moved back home one talk to think ever felt like best friend talk to never felt like really included anything feel excluded game call life ever since dropped out ive feeling like crap everyday feel like failure dropping college am fucking hate myself every decision made everything leading present regret fucking hate life feeling like everyday right part time job thats thing going life im working want sleep cant sleep want get fucked getting super high getting drunk both money would make job would buy weed weed thing would make feel happy enjoy things feel like nothing live for second time ive felt hopeless life first time   years later again stuck stupid brain stupid thoughts stuck stupid worthless person everytime something good happens life gets destroyed give trying right now care sleep never wake again care airplane crash landed top right now feel like never ever find happiness would rather feel nothing right now today ive literally spent like  hours bed today motivation anything cant see happy cant remember last time truly happy cant remember genuinely enjoyed life cant remember feels like wake hate life myself cant remember feeling like actual human earth remember pain remember darkness cant see light literally talent good nothing cant ammount anything useless person never career life want right curl bed fall asleep hope never wake again