descent madnessas look back life see failure failure one another kid fought time when tiniest kid around getting picked on regardless still get picked on hell sometimes someone literally rub cow shit overalls shop class regardless thats reason view life failure failure society consider first failure came got rejection letter rejection letter different schools  dumbass procrastinated submissions lead joining military father said going fail way kind right joined military picked drinking like fish water got legal issues got honorably  years since get shape drinking habit go combat see time much accomplishment tell is maybe believe then besides one biggest mistakes would come right military three months got working shit job retail store brother convinced start school fucking itt tech really need tell thats failure right anyways deep realized probably quit itt ended getting associates degree transferring actual state university continue studying found associates degree useful blank piece paper start square one called failure number three number two came year form dui drinking habit picked up failure number four would come year starting university via totaled car wrecking car left messed up regardless though quit drinking  months started back continued onto several incidents one went road almost totaled car no drinking involved drunk let friend drive car didnt drink resulted blown engine useless car failure number  buy  dollar truck get get money fix car realize im good major chose leads failure number  eventually graduate  years two cars later one ive replaced blown engine roll year later months surgery call failure number  also time im sure drinking caused wreck tried kill myself point im feeling like worse breathalyzer beat truck im seriously thinking hanging myself right wreck tell brother go ahead take gun range keep house longer trust cannot trust alcohol since wreck stop drinking touched drop since  months ago failure number  came via failure submit forms resulting raise rent thus move point depression officially diagnosed im starting antidepressants yet im still distracted mind somewhere else thats wrecked truck find insurance lapsed license suspended point im thinking one thing end it go freeway over call brother help completely break car thoughts jumping stealing gun kept running head jumping traffic hanging somewhere seemed theme way february start new job basically placed little hope left tried best seemed like going succeed become permanent employee three weeks ago go meeting im told numbers average theyre going extend temp time  days later get email friday night telling go work temp contract ended theyve chosen hire full time all depression going full swing getting news via email help all keep thinking thoughts im unemployed seems taking bigger toll expected meds somewhat work thoughts still there follow through im tied need someone know