ventingive place mentally depressed anxious suicidalmostly thinking it attempted twice pretty much long remember nuisance younger years first attempt   grew older realised depression never went away even situation changed became something never thought could be much worse tried every medication sun well smoked weed moved changed jobs numerous times went therapy solid  years things seem better except awareness middle age brings place change depression drugs work appreciably im starting new hospital outpatient program say optimistic even though know need something since really sick suicidal going cycles working  months getting stressed quitting ive failed jobs school pretty much everything life wonder often simply courage myself cant see situation long term pain ass alive better slow leechlike presence currently am ill job while mostly live welfare everything inside used dream hope dead since awareness cant make jobs college relationships find place world since cant pick up seems suffering never end damn therapist ever helped one lick except person vent form unhelpful codependent relationship with know im middle aged feel useless collecting welfare hate it try work wind quit im sleeping dissociating time hallucinating social anxiety think somewhere sliver hope pretty fn dim wonder keep alive fear killing fear death would cause family life im nonentity derpy depressed wallflower nothing pain others around me thanks reading needed vent anon