nothing left death alive  years want live longer want see   always alone always unhappy things get better true lying say true time paid attention ive learned  worth remembering people beyond help inarguable  hate body hate mind hate past hate present dread future nothing here  outside everything  believe anything death clearly conceptualize anything death doubtful everything death death faith  repulsed everything experience thing driven towards death death dream   wanted police officer  wanted drummer clear dream since die  never held girls hand  scored  act started college  graduated  gpa three facts sources pride confidence nothing numbers  life nothing numbers people memories stories experiences not  cook sing draw dance  feel best drunk feel good high sometimes reading makes happy rare  remember brother showing porn kid molested several times never told anyone this  remember time redflag alien me thought theres reason kill yourself theres chance things improve die over  now redflag me leave everything else alien now  one reason killed already previous moments weakness knowledge would parents would destroy them greatest love life  alone reason live unfortunate nothing unfortunate  redflag painless