i am i live at home i have a boring low paying job housing is impossible to afford and i m in a long distance queer relationship i have bpd dysthymia cptsd i don t think that my perception of reality is something that i could ever trust i m in therapy i m medicated nothing is really helping since i have relationship destroyer disease obviously my relationship is not doing the best entirely because i can t perceive anything for what it is i self sabotage constantly and i ruin everything i touch nothing feel real and everything feel dependent on whatever is happening in the moment i don t trust myself i will continue to ruin my own happiness for the rest of my life because treatment doesn t fucking help me with this shit ive been doing some ideation thinking about a plan i don t want to die and leave everyone behind but being here is too much for me to do forever i m and it feel like i m 9 i m so tired already and i m so scared i feel so alone i just want it to be over