diagnosed clinical depression redflag disorder panic disorder mood swing rem sleep disorder adhd age  knew something wrong know hit rock bottom unfortunate events happened worst possible place worst possible timing tried kill months one day ended er cutting wrist cocktail alcohol energy drink painkiller gotten hospitalisation years talk therapy art therapy medications sometimes good hyper usually medications barely hold moods swing born wealthy family parents provided comfortable things  private schools travels studying abroad credit cards material things grateful considering many people less supportive familyfriends financially also emotionally simply unlucky access basic needs despite fully knowing lucky live gratitude really difficult especially getting old cannot find reason live  hope dream dark place times officially list suicide watch still seeing therapy every  weeks going dark place again maybe people know cannot help want go darker darker place instead trying fight it feel like addiction feel depressed af want get depressed end life constantly thinking suicide methods write will disappear die without affecting family die donate organs want live fair people want live struggle anyone else feels like situation years addicted depression