growing up with an absent father and a mother who s always attempted suicide became a normal thing and always used suicide a manipulation threat a mother who s always been depressed and always ha had it worse than the rest of the world i learned to despise anybody that play the victim for long period of time or cry all the time not even going to address the physical abuse part i live accros the ocean from her and we barely even talk i never miss her and i feel like i m sick in the head because of that she destroyed our family all of her kid including me came out pretty fucked up we mom and sibling don t talk to each other and it messed me up pretty badly i mourned grieved and have become numb this happened over the pandemic and since i came out i m currently engaged and have a hard time expressing how bad my depression is to my partner i do talk about it but not about how severe it is i think about ending my life on a daily basis i attempted s in the past and regretted it once at the hospital i don t want to do it but the urge get overwhelming sometimes i hate that i m like this especially because of the impact my mom had on me growing up i feel like it would be so easy to just leave i feel so unhappy in my life i try my best to feel alive but nothing feel good most day i don t even want to wake up i have to act normal it s exhausting i can t stand my partner s sister niece and the anxiety i get every time i have to see them or talk to them or even when i hear their voice they always wanted me out of the picture from the get go because they loved her ex never gave me a genuine chance it s all acting and pretending in front of her and she is aware of it my relationship ha been rocky but we have a deep bond that keep u together i have hope we will get that connection back but for now it s mediocre hoping therapy will help i don t enjoy anything in life and i really want to end it i won t but i really really want to i feel tired from my soul thanks for listening