better die means saving hersometimes vivid thoughts usually dreams sometimes happen im awake too ampxb see her bruised bloodied crying front me see feel warmth hands feel smell blood like see hurt dont always beautiful matter looks sounds like time always see her bleeding head cowering fear horrible always know im responsible sometime even sobs stop cant take it know never ever loved ever wanted but even infinitesimally small chance could reality better die loneliness enough make want kill myself even somehow somehow wrong that better die anyway protect whoever future victim wouldve been know ill never loved saw experienced physical sexual emotional abuse whos say girl love worth dying too make sure that  chance future girlfriend exist finds someone actually take care instead someone wholl carry pain