dont believe gets better dont read youre feeling fragileive read lot  years ethics happiness philosophy religion self help much stomach psychology every psychology book lecture try makes stomach turn knots dont believe treatments dont believe consciously lying just think positive taking drugs every day help think clearly feels like cult stuff makes skin crawl ive therapy  years  different therapists feel worse started  said wasnt qualified deal specific issues took maternity leave chose stop seeing said since mood low however many weeks row wouldve suggested switch anyway next week see one way out feel hopelessly insane ugly like ill never anything another horrible person world miserably toiling away paycheck paycheck dead end job ignoring horrible life seems worse struggling change till kill myself feel meds keep step two redflag decades till get alzheimers something you skip next paragraph want heres rant free will therapists seemed try convince gods existence god thing anxious admit justice afterlife convince of also tried convince free id believe existentialism seems obvious doesnt exist free want cant chose want want something free mention fact mental illness intellectual disabilities dreams drug use attest fact biochemical puppets think different person alzhiemers high lsd acts way react something exactly body upbringingenvironment would act free existed psychology psychiatry neuroscience exist many conversations like therapist eventually said recently saw new study saying free doesnt exist im smart good changed way talk free class i doubt changed full grown college professors mind free basic arguments hes likely heard before also saw new study saying people continue tell theyll unhappy be struck suspicious found two new studies week suddenly admits free doesnt exist also seemed concede god doesnt exist either he might believe god either way dont believe shifted opinion many years mustve spent studying profession based idea factors beyond control shape behavior reason brought shows lying truth horrible hes also said lots little lies ive called usually seemed make nervous feel fundamentally broken important ways like things hurt literally course life lot ways fantasize bad things happening longing time dread often see graphic visions grizzly death close eyes trying sleep seems ridiculous suggest someone misery closely entwined psyche happy getting help feels like carrot treadmill just keep trying youll happy one day dont believe biological children todays world dont believe im cut relationships relationships domination elements makes feel horrible break off ive decided die alone im looking answers half life spent obsessively trying find way happy denial reality