been a long course she got sick over a decade ago and wa showing sign before 0 when i wa little idk why but i thought it wa my sole responsibility to protect her from harm my folk didn t get on well but there wasn t any violence between them but we the sole make son i had seen controlled violence against me trust me it wa hershey s kiss compared to what my old man got but i suppose it set that fear well now after a damn near decade of helplessness not being able to accomplish the purpose i gave myself i m not sure what to do with myself i ve been a bad son i ve been a bad brother i ve been a damn good uncle and that where i try to make up but every aspect of my being is tied up in his maladaptive relationship not the abject relationship with my mother but the consequence of her getting sick and the turmoil it caused the family never the le to myself a i watched the only person i trusted fade away idk i don t know if i could have done more i wa 9 when she got diagnosed and i just pushed it away externally but internally i bought a camera talked with her into the deep of the night but i couldn t help it wa what it wa i couldn t make right and when it all went to hell i went to hell and couldn t handle it tried to od twice after i knew the thing wa up and she wa no longer there there were glimmer but they were prob more in my mind than in truth well that sucked it wa awful i d imagine what we should know about this illness is it literally contorts the mind to it s own end deep depression take away your soul and breath it s true hell but thank god i wa lucky icu wasn t bad cause i don t remember trying to gain my muscle mass back after my kidney went all to shit sucked straight up took another year of therapy and just reintegrating with life to resemble stable and after that i had the pure delight of the best year since i wa a kid depression never go away but when life shine it shine it so damn hard to see that a a possibility when you are in the void but i swear to what ever god it doe exist it s a hard road but no harder of a road than you have seen before when you are in the void it is living a a shadow inside of a shadow it s being a observer and not a participant and seeing life for it brutal nature without being able to taste it fruit is utterly awful but for those who can t smell the fruit it s there i swear on my life my utterly maladjusted fucked up terribly prob gon na die of some impact of my attempted od s dipshit life that fruit is worth it i m at the end of an era and i m frankly worried i m gon na relapse i in fact know i will and i m going to want to die again after the sum of all my fear a a child being realized i can t imagine any different but i know know better i m setting up appointment with folk once i bury my mom i pretty sure in some sense i will die but i know it s worth the fight to not truly die it would be a waste my small dumbass experience a a kid when my folk were healthy basically said this kid need therapy