know anymoreapologies advance know im longwinded boringly pessimistic incubating depression coming head im nearing two months unemployed goodpaying seasonal job lined up start weeks meantime ive searching something solid temporary gig ends since goal move current lease ends next year want leave town found much success county ive lived past years job prospects low im also struggling find right direction anyway quit job two years early summer little background think might relevant later id really well company year half id gotten great performance reviews made decent sales managers found resourcefulness communication skills exceptional however parttime encouraged take fulltime lateral position nearby sister location debated ultimately applied received transfer stood offer experience good hourly raise plus bonuses sales manager ill call melissa running office crucially busy time working alone lot sacrificing days meet deadlines suit melissas scheduling needs tried stay positive burned fairly quickly melissa salaried came work late and im talking least hour often not would keep paperwork so constantly fighting keep us current one occasion found integrityhonesty questionable also really problem taking ownership workspacei desk front worked  hours week melissa office large desk upon kept fresh decorations personal photos etc however would come back day find personal affects place see written desk calendar which id personally purchased know writing appointments helps memorize them melissa would insist desk computer belong me needed utilize desk gone could front store really fight that really got skin removed everything bare essentials generic emailshers managerial one mine sales per company norms wed put names signature lines respective email accounts shed use computer shed log sales user instead manager one led sending emails sales outlook account shed send emails account used would sometimes even change signature line shed go far refer third person one final straws melissa boss our regional manager decided would get bonus technically belonged me pretty big sale required regional manager authorization bonus structure rightfully mine months worked location melissa id reached teams locations needed support trying best honest state office without blatantly calling melissa shortcomings bringing personal feelings it even addressed concerns regional manager sending factual professionallyworded email started looking fallback jobs realized melissa would running show regional manager going help deeply regretting making transfer came shamefully abrupt end one saturday morning long found shed taken bonus office open  daysweek funny days off came back monday really saturday find background wallpaper computer changed obnoxiously pixelated blown image pink rose i prefer stock wallpapers dark colors find desktop icons even set keys patience took hit albeit trivial annoyance great start week whatever melissa showed surprisingly early prepared make morning rounds opening shop chipper mood obviously pleased punctuality day quickly sensed irritability keep mind im monday mode anywaynot thats excuse bitch anyway latched onto mood called putting damper morning sure could probably used attitude adjustment chose right perform impromptu assessment problem is caught guard prepared launch wellformed argument problem reached quick answer mentioned desktop wallpaper melissa said another manager spent time office help must changed it followed chastising too obsessed desk needed accept people needed use it moment done clearly respect effort put work care took organization feel valued respected allowed take ownership part job wanted rip top bun stupid blonde head call selfish bitch was instead calmly dropped office keys desk told quit going argue minutia foundational issues id dealing weighing heavy collected supplies id purchased left office last time morning left voicemail hr department headquarter office theyd know quit luckily one applications temporary reception job came through quickly resumed working week later  days chose hire permanently wanted stay temp longer let me feel good long commute enough pay ive unemployed since late september ive applied places im avoiding industry id last two yearsits really cliquey good feeling toward anymore either mostly retail experience belt scrapbook collegeuniversity credits degree typically aim clerical work government positions least feel like im contributing society somehow kinda fell salesoffice job stayed pay awesome often hear keep finding situation problem likely you so im owning that maybe im straightforward worker think am maybe work ethic really be maybe get along people im spectrum something working relationship pattern melissa seem new tend regularly find fault type management guess feel like put bullshit know see way fix it make work me know belong calling ive lot jobs last  years live longtime partner ill call p im ashamed say p support financially month next temporary job begins feel really guilty essentially ragequitting i really rage though swear good paying job turning next job offer havewant children pets p offers moral support well really emotionally supportive seem understand im experiencing right now thats okayi get job everything times feel really alone spite someone come home to come large family mother died four years ago week slow descent opiod addiction unexpectedly turned extreme alcoholism estranged years prior understand accept choices making family negatively affected death personally im peace knowing longer selfdestructing wish still mom sure woman became longer momid lost mom years died siblings understand feel way villanized bullied it talk them dad side count him either lives nearby relationship all ties cut whether inperson social media contact siblings abusive lead toxic lifestyles lot incestual abuse moms large family auntsunclescousins life either p thinks siblings take advantage funny probably take advantage him says thats hard time making friends thinks keep guard high ive made acquaintances work years gone dinner movies coworkers years since ive really connected someone could identify friend someone flakes me tend waste time anymore early twenties id get backstabbed lot too coworkers thought friends course leads question myself kind person prone backstabbing people think so hesitate confront someone example someone im friendly workplace drops ball somehow problem reminding expectation would describe stern straightforward unkind im left assume people generally like it otherwise think im good listener trustworthy honest make effort put positive spin things workplace tear others gossip tolerate vicinity guess im unlikable maybe im annoying uninteresting dumb hard tell kind person im perceived as many people outside p socialize with ampxb past weeks ive cleaning belongings mom died deal storage unit junk want leave kind mess p went journals  present ive always same listless position running narrative know work bosses little work much pay feel alone know myself clearly im problem early thirties already im stumped find work entry level guess really deserve anything that stuck anything long enough earn it today cleared old video diaries laptop yes video diariesi get lonely lose patience handwritten journaling quickly so ive tried recording try talk even myself skipping them im disgusted emptyheadedness speak well seem know anything substance look like ive done anything value frustrating thing surface seem problem ablebodied enough jog miles time eat fairly well read bit resumee strung together time hands ive job search submitted applications every waking minute im employed right picky health home car manageable debt burdens hold back cant make something happen feel dead inside why since kid ive ever wanted dead see future real goals passion sense community theres book dbt skills got outpatient program ten years ago desk distract self care hey weeks ill job keep mind plenty occupied im really tired conversation days health insurance im sorry obama aca never good even staunch liberal therapys question right now put position involuntarily committed ill need pass last background check simply posting feels like red flag is could call hotline im  cups volunteer im crisis modewhat even say shit work like that id tell like profound sense fallen cracks know im shallow idiot psych drugs fix loneliness change ideology maybe everyone supposed born maybe person life better without dark presence his maybe week maybe next week maybe next year even land another sufficient job ill ever dangling thread