cant want everydayi think everyday multiple full proof methods painless quick preferences also decent career twin  month old babies loyal wife also excellent mother anyway im constantly feeling thoughts drink much forget take prescriptions stave hangovers sounds stupid cliche even ive stopped meds stopped drinking overwhelming apathy envelops usual see affecting relationships feel tired anything im selfish narcissistic core sense self preservation overshadows semblance ethics greater good yet crave praise peers urge please others liked anything low self esteem sprinkle hope future much claim want better kids know things end wont know difference it somewhat relief wont know difference wont blip memory want father killed cant wife cant leave her still keep thinking it thoughts gotten stronger ive taken responsibility life feels though im caught rock hard place may short term thinker seems muster make day endure next want distant father barely acknowledges kids dont want workaholic sacrifices wellbeing financial gain stability im deep career age student debt viable option explore potential paths want get past sense self hatred go back easier livelihoodi look back teens early twenties minimal responsibility reminisce yearn it know still felt way theres relief ive fucked personal brain chemistry via meds alcohol im person   years ago maybe aging situation habits vices gotten worse since contributed unhealthy self destructive lifestyle cant seem care anything comes ill make decisions specifically work me im unhappy cant leave wife kids long run know fine would stupid selfish put difficult situation due personal issues far solution sacrifice well ensure nullify bad feelings meds alcohol wish could make shit feelings go away atleast produce better enjoyable feelings take hold long run