every year get progressively worseas child bullied lack social awareness thanks add emotionallyphysically abusive highly religious mother concocted poison mindset myself said didnt need friends world going end soon anyways childhood filled mostly visited home psychiatrist going jw church speech therapy for lisp video games girls elementary thought weird girl playing video games anything boyrelated rumors weird followed middle school high school last year diagnosed anorexia nervosa body dysmorphic disorder last year also rancid passing best friend may rest peacefully looking forward  year recovery hope  closest friend toxic grew habitually gaslighting emotionally manipulating abusing anytime came disagreement instead properly addressing issue spent every breathing moment year wondering anxiously would break result belittling carefully thought way didnt recognize problem someone else addressed me hates talk people led drift friendships destroyed all worst part hes online friend real life friends anymore havent close real life friend years become husk lives breathes internet led growing incredibly detached people im hard time finding empathy situations sit like stone paired anorexia pushed excessively exercising last year and since im relapsing currently ended becoming hermit socialization back social events  places food eating im increasingly suicidal lack social skills bond people outside internet even small college cant relate much classmates either talk feed conversations add awkwardly cut ramble also weird mannerisms hyperactivity childlike behavior given everyone thinks im really weird dont like spend time anything someone age  yrs would like act like child actual child cupcakes candy cartoons name it ive self harming increasingly worse ways physical scars joke family joke isolation lot i dont want way cant understand watching siblings always go people experience things someone age driving mad started getting high could make imaginary friends interact midst psychedelic trances attempted  days ago last month obviously didnt work im scared id found much financial impact would leave family want to really want go spent yrs planet without close friend share unconditional irreplaceable bond never going happen now cant stay longer anymore pains think even cases made friends left become emotionally abusive towards me pain variables mentioned strong dont want cope anymore want solve all tldr anorexic behavior  emotionally manipulative friend isolated keeping little friends had since horrible childhood ive lacked social skills  friends online friends literally alone spent life alone die alone suicidal fuck want friends man friends flesh everything like way happens movies try talk people going find people relate want know better internet exactly wont know like go anything anymore im tired everything