 years old f feel suicidal first time life please helpfrankly dont know start im trouble coping reality experiencing thoughts feelings never thought id have starters mom drug addict lived chaotic life died heroin overdose two years ago previous post shared this things never normal kid didnt play sports grades either really great really horrible didnt ever regular group friends didnt get invest specific talents activities video games least kept trouble less struggled cutting teenager infrequent wasnt living mother lived family selfless kind religious created lot inner conflict everything driven hope creating better life soon turned  carried certain ideals instilled veryreligious friends created unrealistic expectations world be focused intently surviving building foundation ignored psychological damage inflicted adolescence fast forward years ive ups downs overall done alright considering circumstances became aware bad habits experience romantic relationships failed community college struggle anxiety even temptation resume cutting despite fact lot going now great job age hope advance developer decent friends boyfriend beyond loving dont drugs party much days im usually happy bubbly working better myself focus largely building whole life social experience others honestly pretty limited regret im reaching help advice anxiety horrible lately hoped creating life myself world people would one way reality totally different experience looking it feel disgusted human nature actions many peers feel like bright bubbly nature based ideal people rather genuine love them sadness im feeling certain moments overpowers feelings happiness im worried im inevitably going fall bad mental state ruin relationships others feel insecure anxious reason boyfriend though best hide it feel like cannot open friends wouldnt understand ive thought seeing counselor feel many issues work out would take life time would never share partner know im truly lucky deserves best only feel selfish embarrassed feeling way do know many worse moment feels possible even logical big picture end life im also aware could fleeting feeling pass ive never felt way before im worried time passes could get worse experienced something similar words wisdom could share would great help comfort id love hear personal experiences well