im going kill myselfi need someone see this ive always wanted leave world left sort positive mark would like say feel much emotional painscarring justify live another second ampxb get it one chooses life rare make to knowledge get one chance life really get it cant choose birth feel least choose time date death ampxb im completely hopeless lonely tired maybe tried everything feel even ounce happiness im tired immense emotional pain feel constantly seriously wish way could convey someone feels except wish pain even worst enemy ampxb emotional support life grow dad practically grew without mom rest relatives lived across ocean  got worse advice ive ever heard be parent desperate sort feeling family followed anyway  screwed drove bigger rift mom dad shaped today like am thinking right disgusts flying fuck me understand ampxb tried changing it saw reddit comment people try sense genuine kind integrity wanted follow that type person really respected wanted follow ive trying every single day almost  months now try want see world ampxb yet still substantial friends family one fall back on two people actually gave shit got pushed away depression much ampxb ive tried things point therapy sleeping better eating better general taking better care myself ive listened podcasts ted talks mental health ive read books emotional bandaging ampxb like put real solid effort ampxb ive felt like exist would much better would help mom pay college anymore which lords every single day btw like get could take away money anytime fyi doesnt help feel good like even offer pay first place planning do told today could pay mortgage give someone else knows theyll use better use travel gee thanks already feel like disgusting piece shit thanks reaffirming am ampxb somehow became disrespectful high school tried explaining  years emotional abuse made lose respect parent causing communicate all like roommates talk time like yeah get ityou son im sorry mom gave material affection like food clothes roof yeah situation could much worse would trade worse circumstance loving mother time emotionally hurt would give advice cut patience hear say ampxb tried explaining me know her think understands even wants understand like me ampxb one send to wish did wish someone could send would come pick talk me wish could drive mountains road windy listen chill lofi trap millennial shit want friend cares think would give least ounce hope live ampxb want feel comfort anyone like that long now sucks feeling alone feeling feelings one share with get it lot emotional baggage  lot would really help ampxb im sad lol im crying type this im hopeless ampxb fighting mom triggered me wish wasnt im done ive enough sorry long post thanks reading it did knowing someone read piece story enough move on ampxb tldr im going kill myself somehow someway