want kill myselfi  year old adult india clearly find purpose life come poor family since childhood grew lack money never enough money live decent life always thought killing since last  years good studies till high school completing high school got admission college clearing toughest exam india joining college happy dream college come way started hating college course life everything tried kill twice often used go bed thinking might kill myself failed killing began search money thought money bring happiness tbh short time did became happy started earning  months earned  forgot depression everything found purpose life felt way never felt before gloomy evening lost around  dollars almost lost everything lost source income day struggling find purpose life able focus studies sleep properly eat want kill leave earth want electrocute myself really know do