would rather numbi feel like born every advantage possible loving mum comfortable home life disabilities prosperous safe country intelligence etc surface everyone else im fulfilling it degree stable job pays money know with good friends family etc sometimes like right now mind collapses sense impending doom closes around me wake am complete panic voices head cant silenced saying ive completely messed life deserve anything anymore selfinflicted due past mistakes fault spew gall builds inside me option go cry punch pillow scream shut up ive done nothing wrong drink im numb curl sleep or theyre particularly severe talk someone get outside mind soon stop come back one coupled bolt anxiety perfect destroyed life never peace again doom around corner destroyed everything first started  years ago got onto meds lexapro wow new man everything fine january year went bathroom blood holycrapwhatsgoingonimgonnadie taxi er hemerrhoids saw gp told mental state pristiq colonoscopy emptied myself little blood night night went under wakey wakey nothing wrong except crack one be went way weeks later blood went private hospital infected pilonidal sinus thank you saw specialist wowee said see plastic surgeon cant may stand know set off five years peace this normal normal every negative voice swimming inside skull saw counselor week amazing explained everything perfectly nervous system issue brain scan anything unpredictable voices meant helpful theyre wellintended fantastic left feeling really good voice little whisper back mind shes wrong yesterday searched voluntary euthanasia thoughts said good idea die hand way thats it went home cried stayed friends place cat lied me small comfort slept like log today im getting extended med cert im scared tell im rails id said getting better im bus  hours im staying mum easter im sure ill last may would rather numb feel anything im not im full gunk pain voices oh god im scared way out peace ever again want stop want win positive thought instantly rebutted torn down feels hard fight wish to much easier give up selfdestruct end all ok voices fine right im screwed mum her already lost husband father im sticking around her want bury child