police officer struggling suicidal thoughts cannot openly talk aboutthis throwaway intend reading responses think mostly want type get things chest tldr talk strong desire kill without fear repercussions every outlet find wants know location contact info theyll talk me want call redflag hotline trace call  years old live work southern california deputy last  years spring chicken wife  years struggling infertility  years now lots surgery medication end sight stress scheduled sex lives absolutely taken toll us were still much love same july  fairly routine call involving child abuse kind pushed edge call mental breakdown work since then take mg day buspar my wife says help me sure xanax needed prescribed i originally tookalprazam rare side effect stop asked see psychiatrist next avail appointment midjanuary digress line work talk redflag be well career redflag no pun intended keep thoughts absolutely bottled inside act like therapists asks it therapist provided work specializes law enforcement issues nice times think killing myself hourly usually wake  night middle panic attack cannot get away pain almost physical pain specific plans would kill myself works think entire process detail often drink usually come close actually really fear matter time happens ironic type out clearly reservations killing right state mind wrong state mind sounds like realistic idea physically exhausted genuinely want pain end seeing answers make happen want talk someone without putting job line being put  hold ca means cannot carry gun therefore yeah heartbroken frustrated know anymore every day seems like groundhog day desperately want wife leave deserves better would make lot easier end life hated me completely gotten rid social media blocked parents life really good reason downward spiral last months been talk strong desire kill without fear repercussions every outlet find wants know location contact info theyll talk me want call redflag hotline trace call really think end killing within next months ironically want talk anyone might able stop me backwards ampxb typing exhausting might go bed night thank listening