know whats wrong me need help desire kill myself often moments seems like viable desirable option preface let say always strange self esteem issue friends family self esteem high truly hate human often go self hate benders last night long involve compiling reasons care hate ass death would positive thing worst part is reason upset reason hate bad rather persistent bullies elementary school even remember well guess started believe time became part am  time fine love life love everything one percent hate point think would benefit end existence tonight girlfriend long discussion it said could bipolar currently studying psychology this first year college idea weather true girlfriend amazing person life says self hate hurting loves much makes hate more question need professional help think get own  male helps thanks advance read rules posting would like clarify want know fine people think need psychiatric help edit forgot mention something important self hate benders usually beat ever loving shit myself blame tripping something stupid one time sibling mentioned weight issue im even fat slightly weight  went self hate mode carved word fat onto stomach knife