starting get desperatethis first post here really stand much others problems im  now ive depressed  years now ive ruminated redflag daily approximately last  years ive always tried keep glimmer hope get better really know now feel may locked brain thinking pattern late break ive talked therapists taken medication spent time redflag ward done cognitive group therapy really type progress it things cant change im sure ill ever people able accept that things ive done still dwell now im sure ill ever able shake those cant support now rely parents money hurts much every time need ask more im unable even get look job though ive extremely fortunate parents family grew up ive wasted all many loves interests lifethe arts math people philosophy cooking cant get pursue anything love spend much time sleeping wishing sleeping mind races night thoughts things want do im terrified night going sleep know wake ill want stay bed unable function cant think anything im proud life regret feel completely unable get anything always fantasize violent deaths strength it ive prayed every god take away ive tried selling soul devil return ending life despite fact actually believe things near death experience years ago made wish death actually come wish could write without seeming like emo teenager decade lot though ths life spent wasting time seemingly quixotic task leading happy life could keep trying decades always really worth it better suffer