im guy set date ive decided talk itim  things little complicated mentioned last post also suffer massive depersonalizationderealization basically persistent existential crisis well paranoid psychosis going  years ill try explain meaning defined terms things meaningful relation things etc etc etc rather like define word using words strip away recursion find existence state utterly devoid inherent meaning potentially purpose realize this activates homunculus inside head vetoes attempts make order disorder sense nonsense purposes life get subconsciously dissected reveal empty cores meaninglessness ephemerality universal indifference towards condition live constants reconcile anything constants is well inconstant goes long enough objects lose meaning look car longer see car shapes make car car becomes strange sounding vague concept head actually associate anything perceive like constant dream world thats derealization along comes depersonalization im really sure put words simply feel real everyone internal feeling self inner ego exist anymore thoughts everything series unrelated automatic actions feels unnatural somehow turns normal human behavior even im typing really it see hands typing see words screen feel like hands feel like alien add paranoid psychosis occasional illusions grandeur work hear phone ringing look see not think network administrators work monitoring connections posting stuff reddit response mains posts taunting me think people trying tell things using hidden meanings say like hint giving im picking on etc etc etc constant battle rational mind paranoia far battle attrition new years date give up ask yes care multiple psychologists psychiatrists tried dozens medications self medication medication tried change city change job regular exercise good diet regular sleep when can edit forgot add sometimes cause pain feel real try cause obvious permanent damage