time redflagive anxious since  bullied badly school make proper friends distrusted everybody lived fight flight ever since home tense too distant volatile father gentle mother broke thank god damage done flunked leaving cert worked sales got addicted spending cash have smoking joints numb pain even though actually made anxious always tired stayed unhappy relationships ignoring gut frankly know felt bar constant fear one lead pregnancy lead breakup lead awful eight year custody battle including international abduction huge legal bills endless anxiety heavy drinking sleepless nights anger relationships finally breakdown time work went counseling years leading went time off met lovely calm driven girl got back feet job ground slowly still court battles gf seemed cold distant sometimes v angry ploughed wanted move cos housemate v moody battle eased now pregnant nearly killed myself went hospital psych assessments prescribed meds still want die  weeks pregnant wish shed miscarry awful tension house thinks im selfish feeling suicidal knew want kids took laxatives counteracted pill refused point blank getting abortion hate feeling thus way hate ive created situation purely cos fucked know happy sad still wish god shed miscarry  could still happen cant go battle cant cant love girl hates showing affection hates hugs holding hands cant live ruining her im done want painless way go im looking ways online hard find