realized narcissistic family main reason feel like cant kill myselfi born grew abusive environment abused home family phisically emotionally bullied school harassed street hospital years ago went contact everyone family thats full narcissists except father toxic codependent relationship im one whos aware this heres problem id kill myself father would inevitably tell whole family would give indirectly great great satisfaction feel like war created them like years still manage control letting taking life would make happy want make happy deserve that time simply cant move forward neither life right worth living never worth living ive lot feel like im damaged ever function properly dreams desperately need instant gratification  know get that like abusive family let live life wanted that now finally want give up let kill neither want live life allowed that want kill yourself allowed that