thinking much keeps alivewhat mean ive thought multiple ways end myself wierd common thoughts are feels pretty normal decade lost best friend rollover catapulted mental rock bottom state didnt help deployed time stateside anyway  years since finding out ive since pushed dozens life became recluse care outside world ive spent countless nights laying awake fantasizing ending all mental exhaustion constant battles inner demons dirt nap sounds good however countless nights planning redflag im also countering thoughts happens fail end vegetable forced stay alive machines bad hurt noose doesnt kill im suffering would pretty awkward situation someone walk seeing like right ive thought slitting wrists id rather kids see aftermath that jumping bridge standing tracks waiting train turn bits popping many pills ive thought up thought failure thats kept attempting it today feeling like im fucking cursed live days death finally takes me typical day wouldnt bother say due disdain society anyone reading feels hopeless dont give up matter hardships enduring keep fighting sometimes gets worse gets better take upon reach out follow another path know definitely alone