years hoping get pain kinda start accept wont make alivetwo years passed since first met psychologist concerning suicidal thought ive lost passions everything visual artist musician enjoyed movie lost see everything mundane hateful aspect life hate fact everything did did distract us inevitable pain death years developed hatred people warmth social relationship even love see pain everything even joyful aspect life stop craving love human interaction even sex itself bright man difficult years slowly turns usually called late s single men whos living moms basement nothing process lost job lost community circle distant family im basically numb failure occasionally read people tried convince suicidal persons abort intention mainly saying life beautiful yet reach joyous point amidst worsening condition life be point getting better better convinced then think two years enough ive tried everything tried wake early sport stay positive time even last three days every time tried that tried involved social works ended abandoning midproject disappointing everyone tried get job always failed interview due unmotivated tendency entertained chance studying again used professors references number failed scholarship applications tried talk parent best say im apostate since money cant get professional mental therapy country even anything like national redflag prevention lifeline ive tried everything could cant hold longer