know dofirst all im native speaker please understand english so goes traumas deprived background such somehow always little depressed around  years ago thing exploded major depression dulled emotions life become convenient rarely feel depressed problem lost fond life nothing want do nothing care even families friends want live really ive therapists taking medicines past  years depression getting worse become suicidal im planning die months well im still taking medicines therapies hoping something would happen futile guess honest even know im writing here felt like still want give shot