slipping cracks testimony subhuman early twenties  slipping cracks  introduction first class degree stem subject merit masters degree practical engineering subject whilst university served committee chess society treasurer one year president another cofounded another society also completed work placement part module specifically tailored towards career development throughout four years university diversified academic personal interests significantly developed host transferable skills chose modules gave broad understanding different issues wasnt overspecialised could maintain holistic academic perspective developed practical laboratory field skills took modules statistics spare time read deeply philosophy specifically moral philosophy epistemology philosophy science history studied physics mathematics best amateur ability learned code designed scratch model simulate life cycle stars even began learning another language stop taking lessons became expensive maintain alongside this obtained job far beyond comfort zone cannot sensibly quantify distance chose do retail customer service spent around  hours week working job whilst msc running two societies boot whilst working here significantly developed interpersonal skills gained experience working nonacademics real world environment gained small amount supervisory experience time well recap two degrees two societies one completely alien job new language new coding language work experience organised integrated pursuit successful occurring backdrop turbulent personal life boot sacrifices made attended zero social events whilst university busy working never consumed alcohol attended parties indulged anything people normally indulge university years truly believed lie work hard itll pay end result this nothing graduate job passed promotion many times retail job still minimum wage postgraduate opportunities university continuing rejection ignoration quest job  deceived denied jobs available field despite repeatedly assured thriving field throughout time university academics industry leaders alike require   years experience dont even entertain new graduates catch many graduates familiar with experience loop get experience need experience get experience first place dozens job applications two years number interviews country places didnt bother getting back me justifiably pipped post another job another candidate harbour ill will role would hired longer available business forced restructuring another company offered minimum wage clean factory chimneys  carrot stick except theres carrot retail notoriously brutal industry especially bottom ladder often two sources frustration retail workers internal problems being structure role rewards job itself external problems namely treatment receive customers complete lack structure life lets address turn  internal problems surprise im good retail job im good it fact saying brag simply stating objective facts ahead every single one coworkers every single measurable key performance indicator store sales value customer response scores metrics every single field ahead rest pack considerable margin many areas including sales sitting double second place had this despite fact worked  hours week opposed  worked workers never offered fulltime contract company focused bringing schoolleavers apprenticeship schemes applied job excelled worked far far harder done voluntarily worked breaks signal dedication industriousness swapped covered shifts whenever asked make life convenient possible coworkers managers never asked change shifts inconvenience anybody never took holidays unless forced to signal sincerity dedication alone generated least  yearly basis  annual turnover store parttime contract sheer hard work reward hard work nothing hard work entire year msc concluded never even offered fulltime contract matter hard worked never offered promotion invited interview promotion whilst there working twice hard everybody else around me two coworkers promoted management despite less industrious less efficient me thats okay longer deserve merits another instance one manager left short instead putting onto training program they hired person younger me who never worked company before reward excellence get remain bottom rung minimum wage real responsibility reward absence child worked company roughly one year promoted management kind sick twisted joke inexperienced immature bottom rung slacker neglected duties meaning others life share load regularly took   minutes extra breaks ostentatiously avoided shopfloor duties burden falling people would spend substantial periods time talking stockroom avoiding floor duties reward this fasttrack management happen basic level  retail apprenticeship equivalent single level age  levels two stem two humanities diversify knowledge skills alongside fifth level  extended project unfortunately me made mistake a working hard work b working hard university get excellent results two stem degrees dont get anything reward aiming high pushing myself assured repeatedly paths success remain bottom rung people less intelligent less industrious less honest less capable get fasttracked authority chose easier path boss work daily humiliation bossed around her thats now taking orders kids layabouts whilst getting paid minimum wage thanklessly generate  figure sums profit store singlehandedly absolutely prospect ascension proportional reward effort perhaps thing stings people work less diligently get rewarded simple fact valuable company pond life rather management or think im saying id best manager think id good one consistently excellent excellence becomes expected norm it extra effort put in take foot pedal fall short usual standards whilst still far exceeding people around you ethic called question almost greater cosmic injustice this rage spite induces almost beyond compare oh yeah forgot mention spent two weeks free time constructing scratch mathematical model ensured company could meet companywide targets key kpis based data painstakingly mined scattered archives result one manager took cursory glance never looked again despite extremely powerful utilitarian potential what exactly need succeed climb ranks people less hardworking less capable less time telling do make sense universe justifiable sensible cant think word exploitation  external problems part i terminal misanthropy youve ever worked retail youre close somebody else has familiar deep deep disdain humankind developed line work degree misanthropy succumb varies person person people dont experience misanthropy all middle distribution curve people range minor disdain actively avoiding people unless necessary tail end spectrum people develop pristine fundamental hatred humanity begin treat exposure humans capacity treat exposure radioactive substances deeply unpleasant bad health personally exist somewhere beyond moment time say terminally misanthropic mean sincerest sense spend every waking moment every day apoplectically murderously enraged wallowing abyssal despair hatred disdain felt towards almost everybody around me constant headache this feel perpetually exhausted physical mentally cant even escape indulging sleep sleep luxury retail it possible  hours shifts yes  hours travel work sleep eat clean hours sleep get beset violent genocidal dreams frankly tiresome displays egregious violence manifestations pure evil hate bore even dont escape pervading misanthropy navigating life worldview metaphysical equivalent swimming hot tar exposed general public  hours day makes feel given enough time final destination all youre yet keep working retail inevitably inexorably arrive people terrible perhaps theyre terrible time service environment relationship dynamic customer service provider brings worst traits almost everybody magnifies factor trillion foundations monuments human misgivings constitute average person people dont even see human actual person feelings thoughts interests treat worse would treat dog them nothing automaton made meat exists serve every whim thats it various expressions belief grate immensely first all people dont even deign look speaking you youre speaking them dont even look you looking validates existence much youre even important meaningful enough looked at spoken to small thing aggravating universal consistent predictable quite often ask people help dont even turn around hold item want specify size colour whilst looking wall expect summon hands thats much respect people me secondly people continually interrupt talking them quite often explaining relevant information them return items order items x z interrupt me asking question whose answer literally provided quite often dismissively wave hand agitation youre answering question theyve asked silencing like youre belligerent animal right treat like this thirdly oftentimes ignore outright intrude upon experience consciousness forcibly making existence known them common look disgust existence affront conceited sensibilities theyll often snap something outright tell go away one example is say people give shout want help ill walk away call need me wont pushy overbearing them invite conduct shopping experience terms oftentimes say give sh interrupt yes im fine thank you dont even listen say them fine thanks coherent response hello far people concerned im even human being consequently effectively experience people stop seeing humans begin seeing cattle see tatty chickens pecking barren dirt scraps refuse thats are meat stock things move around make noise nonentities temporary delays universal slide toward entropy meaningless fleeting existences deservedly extinguished long comprehend pointless conditions pathetic existence vermin disgusting parasites deserve suffer eternally agonisingly arrogance conceit fundamental universal cosmic injustice customerprovider relationship cannot captured words experienced experienced youve slipped cracks working customer service based job could find treatment palatable idiot capable nothing else im not fulfilling  potential here reason wellpaying impactful stem job im unlucky dont family industry family contacts industry get treated like fucking subhuman inferiors minimum wage despite hard work sacrifices course life  external problems part ii nonexistent worklife balance nature retail makes impossible maintain anything resembling worklife balance get two days week rarity days consecutive days change week shifts ordinarily range anywhere am pm increasing pm christmas new year possible work  days row finish pm one night start am next morning nothing conducive structured organisable life free time functionally nonexistent although spend  hours day workplace additional  hours travelling from corruptive tendrils retail slither around every aspect life often free time split two uselessly small fragments beginning end day example  shift leaves with arguably  free hours     absolutely useless antisocial hours little social clubs convene times two hours enough time get invested given activity recreational session mention tired two hour segments limiting options mean means life structure means cant plan ahead commit clubs activities means cant go gym regularly youll either tired enough time go common knowledge routine important building block exercise regime retail permits none all cant say monday go gym tuesday piano lesson wednesday go chess club none options available you understand jobs time demands well jobs indeed prohibit anything pervasive way retail does even youre work youre still trapped within confines consequences this unable commit exercise regime leaves feeling perpetually unhappy body want able work physical fitness look better now cannot top psychological tribulations retail industry also get feel uncomfortable unconfident skin  hours day  days week want able dedicate time learning piano reading writing possibly even creating youtube channel none things possible because previously mentioned little free time afforded fragmented inconsistently distributed besmirched exhaustion stemming job radioactive fallout get spend spare time working retail get sit often alone wait day end go sleep go back work thats it cant spend time loved ones friends somehow manage either things watch mindless shit tv eat subpar food dont time cook properly let alone cultivate cooking skills first place say existence depressing like saying surface sun warm isnt life living death away every hour life away life youre waiting die retail life courage kill myself would it  failure complete failure aware nature scale fact shattering feel unworthy around anybody ashamed exist cant look people eye im embarrassed people might see behind own dont want vocalise thoughts anything justification sprung forth poisoned spring nothing say think important interesting others revealing contents mind expose invasion observation therefore giving others opportunity see corrupted hopeless resentful wretch am havent left wayside yet surely ever peek behind veil accomplished nothing failed fulfil smallest fraction potential feel like jackofalltrades master none write work calculate deduce argue aboveaverage standard yet nothing come fruition gifts systematically failed apply constructive way course entire life combination laziness lack confidence lack worklife balance used gifts navigate undergraduate postgraduate degree ultimately meaningless squandered them feel nothing shame many ways deserve fate somehow despite vast potential landed midtwenties negativestatus minimum wage job absolutely zero prospects future personally professionally passed physical peak shape since  years old spending entire adolescence prime fat dumpy doughy dollop man male acutely aware place hierarchy wherever go partially result evolutionary psychology partially women especially attuned hierarchies high resolution evolutionary psychological adaptation weed unworthy men worthy bottom every hierarchy bottom hierarchy workplace women kind men bottom hierarchy doubly occupy higher place hierarchy female superiors work scarcely miss opportunity swing proverbial dicks around face humiliation dehumanisation wherever go still live parents another source shame humiliation parasite burden kind man lives parents man midtwenties prime life still living parents answer would love move out crave independence responsibility keep getting rejected tenancy landlords job isnt good enough minimum salary requirements x monthly rent meet places would like live in continually outcompeted men women surely less intelligent industrious nonetheless another example failure cultivated hobbies skills cant cook properly cant make art make music anything resembling respectable standard thing play video games betterthanaverage standard sought refuge entire life valuable harmful form escapism difficult childhood continue today lost lustre long ago longer feel like edmund pevensie venturing narnia load xbox like wladislaw spilman guzzling rancid foetid water filthy mop bucket longabandoned hospital video games what cares trait pathetic failed man undignified misfire man stage black hole human happiness sap colour every room strip music sound taste food nothing positive say something come mouth normally violently retributive remark that know far exceeds apparent limit sentiment caused occasion adam smith identified mark brute right me feel guilty around people make things worse them everybody better without around basis cause nothing hardship misery wish could realise mould bread cut cast aside strength myself absolutely useless pointless desperately want repay family help given me want able take holiday get new car nice things them cant never able to nothing live for sacrificed youth altar false promises deceptions hard work nothing seems nothing ever change anything ive tried hard things keep getting worse perhaps stinging aspect failure tried tried hard possibly can thrown wall might long possibly isnt even enough make smallest dents pathetic feeble am would feel consoled knew hadnt tried hard make success life talents mercy escapes me tried everything unable get away square one speaks brutally fundamental deficiency being  anon birthday st april  th november  thought death suicide dead daily basis roughly  years ups downs across threeyear period weeks think death couple minutes every day often bed night sleeping periods time sit room dark alone think intensely different methods suicide experience like find afterwards like dead three years tended unfortunately toward increasing morbidity hopelessness past  months thought death almost constantly course day moment wake moment go sleep even im friends family loved ones im thinking death whether watching film together meal together anything together chances im thinking death im driving road think driving oncoming traffic kmh im top stairwell think jumping it im meal think slitting throat knife im using im bed think suffocating pillow im sitting nothing fantasise hanging myself shooting myself exitbagging myself thinking feel like happen people find me people often tell seem quiet distant tired sometimes increasingly tell im usual self whatever usual self is appears vague distant awareness among people around something isnt quite right me genuinely idea going arent perceptive enough know something seriously wrong lack courage requisite care anything it nobody knows deep pervasive feelings really are recently shocked learn colleagues perceive happy upbeat positive person things surprise me certainly did find hard believe almost everybody inkling going beneath surface merely quiet serious nature corrupted broken caricature be bitter hopeless angry jealous nothing disdain everybody everything world used happy hopeful loving know irreparably broken know golden olive branch extended me would bat away spite psychologically beyond salvation nothing make happy dont know whether aware objective truths nature life general conditions life trapped subjective thought processes dont hold up proportion regret resentment function life simply passed much one person bear either way knots simply cannot disentangled am guess around beginning september plans pull plug finally began crystallise since then thoughts death suicide constant almost  hours day dream dying killing getting revenge wronged me awake paralysed lethargy magnetised bed sofa unable summon motivation something basic get drink crippled thoughts death avalanches hopelessness plan decided check april fools day  seems like appropriate day it check life darkly hysterical day jokes japes world inside upside down increasingly resembling planetsized freak show end decided quietly graciously exit stage alone life mistake nothing enjoyable grew poverty violent alcoholic parents mercilessly bullied every day school age  pupils teachers alike went better lives me lives dont deserve overcame demons excel university work nothing st april  april fools day get early around am cycle caf near sea front cup tea scrambled egg toast take bay used play child filled nothing except boundless optimism joy life people climb rocks first last time adult life listen piece music probably chopin music finished playing dive head first cliff onto rocks end abortion existence all