hope me irreparably broken beyond fucking lostsomehow least continue live bit longer due mother would still feel bad leaving family members deal fallout death be past  years tried intensely see could change cope ive multitude therapists prescribed taken numerous medications quit substance using selfmedicate cope things improved become worse worse functional working  months nearly  never true romantic relationship family situation deteriorated even time ugly fuck lost genetic lottery allow manipulated used abused long end peace death yet feel trapped forced exist others feel bad take life tired even know point posting this pain much