why still herei understand it start off successfully took life  years ago midfebruary large student party student college know anyone person invited me student housing hour half away home night took local highspeed train dorms party was planned going home party started slow eventually picking night gone on making drinks took roughly hour sloshing back screwdrivers wanting vomit alcohol acid sugar coming up stumbled bathroom inside small two bedroom dorm there vaguely remember lifting toilet seat puke next thing woke hospital bed really needing piss jolted fear knowing hell got there see father sitting next hospital bed told details happened memory went blank fallen bathroom hit head proceeded choke vomit stopped moving guy invited party noticed missing found dead bathroom picked began trying resuscitate me even vomit covered facetorso yelled one party goers call paramedics arrived within  minutes thanks guys attempt reviving me kept oxygen blood flow going long enough paramedics bring back ill never able live down question is why keep going wanted die knew night want return home nightmares still wish dead want redo it painful begin with retry soon cant keep continuing think life value