would easysuffice say plan plan stares face least week coincides depressed sometimes consider quite time battling inner self stay alive weighing pros cons whether it help would even care would destroyed taking life friends no family course give two shits normal life lots people might even relieved ended it ive made many mistakes many things regret lack self control impulses im first place im battling stay alive sucks distance people want hurt them decided kill myself time loner contributing depression god wish could go detail wish could confide seek help without fear sent away either done might do even internet safe tor safe cant go therapist cant talk family know do anchors life fading things loved mind numbing boring pushed person love away needed latch onto something much her family around much get me mother real tether left happens gone anything else hold onto fade insanity depression affects work relations boss come accept im depressed obvious work save energy talk clients go clients business see im well im afraid eventually ask whats really going on say then used program develop things live inside code devoted entire self projects loved it fire system force look code find difficult stay long enough get anything done played games every game looked tried pay became boring repetitive eat love eat affecting health im depressed control eating slowly losing weight good enough also helps funding little though self control impulse issues tend make finances go elsewhere liked spending time older brother used play laugh talk inside jokes time taken kid cant blame him relied it pillars sanity whittled away nothing leaving crumbling remains life wake older sister used close younger moved away changed much barely recognize sometimes great around normally shes around enough really anything with im good lot things im fast learner drive motivation partly due knowing happen tomorrow someone uncover ive done taken away family forever changed scarred mistakes made occasionally write things like this never send always makes feel bit better today created alt write send one tldr plan mom thing still tethers me know would day really bad depression gone