one minute im stable next minute im planning hanging myselfi bpd utterly exhausting fast mood shift used moods would shift course couple days bounce back forth extremes several dozen times single day yesterday morning  woke extremely bad place ive displaying escalating parasuicidal behavior several weeks talking using pellet gun looks much like glock prop try get people acknowledge validate shitty horrible feel also get help dig hole ive dug myself clue climb own ive also extremely manic random mania manic urge hide emotional turmoil pain talking things like getting car driving  hundred miles blowing literally savings maxing credit cards fancy hotel ridiculous dinners two weeks also cruising around car tune additional  miles hell not manic energy scares me especially combined rapidly cycling moods massive impulse control issues recipe disaster spent day heart heart talks mom best friend phone spent  hours talking phone total two them felt better talking them within  minutes call ending started feelings despair hopelessness consume again feelings issue urges impulses feel particularly strong wave emotion hits me first thought hanging stepping front bus ive felt urges wash several times today came close giving temptation stepping front bus literally started sweating  degree weather close it walked around hours afterwards dazedissociated state silently crying moved new hotel room spent least  minutes examining room find best place anchor belt bathrobes belt basically anywhere post night honestly im always scanning surroundings see best path living moment case decide indulge urge like im always planning lay bed ill feel okay minutes thought triggers strong emotion run head next thing know im literally mentally picturing taking necessary steps hang myself  minutes later im back calm collected  minutes that another triggering thought pops head go back fantasizing ending all rapid oscillation okay one minute ready wrap belt around closet hanger bar next minute exhausting unpleasant unwanted roller coaster ride worst all kinds rapid massive emotional state changes urges increasingly common life level frankly mentally crippling dont want die feel like limited shitty options dying favorable outcome still shitty choice none options staying alive letting go past dearly miss desirable given emotional issues sucks much im beyond exhausted all want stability