war selfsabotagehi diagnosed depression  years ago abusive family care meds reanimated redflag attempt teenager adult endured homeless twice  years months progressing disability sight loss suspicion ms chronic pain other constant lack money selling place live year stayed bed days skipping showers food managed finish school  years dropping i became homeless still attending high school even got accepted uni our schools free best follow meds therapy plans worked reactions tried open people ten years hard mental work finally notice name emotions see choosing still choice understand head works friends say ive changed lot better yet new crisis last year ive slowly ruining education skipping classes using opportunities created pretty decent uni authorities im stuck therapy cant make progress force something change something feels almost physical try shove sticking plans even though theyre big ones tried get parttime job get back job hunting market quit damaging sight even more right im verge becoming homeless again got kicked uni money meds already asked friends pay bills meds want ask often see selfdestructive part gains power reasonable one however still see ridiculous is im really afraid  two years serious redflag thoughts  ill something irreversible also get urges cut arms done almost  years feel safer nothing even though know way dangerous today cried middle street cant take amount stress anymore one force act motivate fight im sure want live im also sure im able live way anymore redflag seems like bad decision one give peace see like tooth removal  want get rid teeth damaged way get rid pain