cant help sorry vent makes sense im ruminatingi cant help myself cant convince want get better just always hopeless nothings going get better living never me know people enjoy it something wired wrong birth  develop properly now like this fixed inflexible maladaptive way perceivereact world personality disorders pretty bad prognosis avoidant personality disorder least tends life ive read asked psychiatrist pds passing said actually relatively treatable half get better w treatment something along lines though talking bpd nice hear guess but ha really help hearing way offhanded way psychiatristsnurses talk patients pd behind backs mention multiple lectures weve theyve pretty pessimistic it sat there kept mouth shut thinking well yeah guess knew fucked even this hate it cant kill myself keep telling to logical thing do end it end it cant it humans die easy overdoses especially think im neurotic actually formulate plan method foolproof course main issue know theres lot hope technically all bad could lot worse could still enjoy shit cant talk it comes it cant talk trying feel better either every moment im dead want be me coward shirks away idea im brink really something