last act giving abusive family exfiancee body wake christmas day kind sensitive person cares left givei want get there cry help last attempt human communication die tonight forced live world fucking cruel self worth decimated childhood point cant cope challenges face happy job interviews dating simply sitting planning path life anxiety inducing bare point whole world completely collapsed eight dad died cancer raised single mother outside looks like strong woman raised two kids turbulent times cold hard reality terrible parent get constantly threatened run away leave us naughty routinely told adopted moved us various boyfriends blamed personally failure relationships my life would much better never born  made beg one boyfriends take back broke like fact children another one boyfriends permitted physically abuse pretty extreme ways would get hit planks wood unloading dishwasher put arm bars talking back never heard admit wrong anything never heard apologise really see way get along extremely different me racist interest education anything intelligent reality television lives tiny monthly life insurancegovernment pension paid widows painfully shy teenager threw studies means escape one thing still going ability concentrate depression kicked yet left school straight grades went study one best universities country placed alongside ivy league universities world rankings wanted study medicine become cancer specialist selfesteem apply opted human biology instead left college went party hometown met girl go study medicine college around  miles mine perfect night everyone school saying goodbye must looked lot popular everyone coming say goodbye me approached me got talking plans college chemistry insane started kissing me unbelievable incredibly beautiful smart eyes me serious commitment issues took  months tell loved her talked every day much missed would visit others colleges alternating weekends get mind christmas introduced family saw real family first time loving interesting conversation day trips vacations next year like dream took europe visited fifteen countries train sleeping shared hostels sex public bathrooms second year tougher depression anxiety began consume life loving ever lot medication gradually pushed every person life would come apartment put bins buy food week help study trusted her time exams came around terrible state turned precisely one told take year universitys welfare officer tried get better tried run exercise see friends illness tough properly overcome twenties never job felt pathetic every way strongly considered redflag love girl kept alive returned college year anxiety hell managed complete studies reason graduated chose every class final exam knew one exam would much pressure instead endless coursework complete random classes globalisation history science leaving degree totally irrelevant industry lost embarrassed life idea get job want talk friends deleted almost everyone social media stand see perfect lives girlfriend came rescue took road trip across us again incredible asked hell me told tall handsome intelligent knew soon graduated moved together would finally able build confidence needed succeed truly believed time asked marry me said yes wanted perfect wedding soon group friends attend earning money would it graduated august moved together september started working nearby hospital went interviewed job retail pay half rent planned volunteering making friends working getting better job year september st november st year longer depression getting every single day going work coming home making dinner fixing bike travel around city going dinner week soulmate left me knew everything id promised years wed happy got place travelled every weekend  hours way old bus keep company make dinner take dates interest working things says loved two years someone help end med school comfortable last two months insufferable still sleep bed wanted pull life together show im capable stepping providing us great life nights cant help beg become cold spiteful day says im real man im funny im terrible bed going bring men home sex apartment guess sex life fell rut always finished made laugh time tidy anything apartment run around like abused housewife washing dishes cleaning cant afford live anywhere else cant go back mums house like monster replaced beautiful angel says happy without gone parents  days my family point im allowed near house dad closest friend denial done this saying stressed new job spoken  days tried phoning afternoon answer go spend christmas family thought id escaped barely spoken years fuck that simply anymore cannot spend another day horrible fucking world