please please help me need advice please childhood parents sole reason constant thoughts redflagim ukrainian immigrant moved lot settled california female  art prodigy early age cancer lymph node age  went chemo got homeschooling ridicule joined school due hair loss always eccentric never quite right many relationships best years life cared hospital diagnosed major depression  time found benign tumor femur caused severe pain daily basis endured years before  found another one femur last many years overdosed painkillers high many times would live twice parents loved me mom would beat electric chord ribs bruised undress school clothes got home every time brought pain caused said beaten bled says clean room therapist would bring beatings justify herself miscarriage stressed cancer would take me black eye her kicked me slapped me pushed me threw things me would purposely lose store little teach lesson called police  listen her escorted friend back home told goodbye lived next door forbade me speak officer phone crying hysterical terrified walked never looked back would sometimes stop hurrying see would notice never did would threaten leave side highway talked back car sat choked weight annoyed her would change broviac one day injection tube needed weekly cleaning would play hit me told stop got top told nothing could do bring hit either way would write diary mean wished new mom found yelled read it would cry closet parents would find ridicule me laugh say stupid look cry shake day discuss feelings laugh tell crying inappropriate even cant breathe hyperventilate sheer stress discussion would never buy anything hand downs two dollar sale items never fit things liked eat treats surprises knew eat them shoe collection massive ego large told im stupid fat ugly embarrass her feet crooked flat im slow worthless deserve respect acne atrocious hair appalling even fit adored anyone circle either sex would say still good enough parents pushed art crank paintings like factory lost passion helped around house would hate it missed spot something wrong showed help another friend neighbor maybe wash window theirs theyd call slave dignity would get screamed every day blamed would cry night lay bedroom door hoping would let hold me would threaten lock closet listen halloween costume contest little called school participate shy scared kindergarten parents obliged went home chickened go there ignored day made fun me teenager would lock door change nude summer days would pick lock every time angry locked it mom would demand see breasts walk showering pick door lock slept nude dad would monitor internet searches activity found porn one point outraged monitors connections day visit found phone history used cam girl mom tells whore deserves raped knows get used men less dog company older men would sometimes buy gifts found charming recently cam girl quit found outjust money food incident filled form physical abuse doctors office thought form consequence police show house lie afterward parents called traitor hated long time dad works long hours believes nothing say mom does says lie mother speaks like dog hits buys candy next day acts like angel severe depression dropped high school college academy straight student dropped fs told counselor feelings redflag mother called face extreme anger left room screamed told counselor going kill me needed help dropped college recently well due depression tumor pain moved stopped supporting unless move back go college even boyfriend hungry days without food dad drives tesla tell failure am would stop friends families hold tears back said much loved held one another moved parents finally love boyfriend far away call week ive  different antidepressants group therapy family therapy regular therapy family therapy sessions go father saying lazy apply myself mother hysterics clean room deserve belt boyfriend everything end even love cant save me medication heavy snri without depression baggage much cry least every couple days ruminate parents family future even thousands miles away slight mention lose it depressed ever since young feel though point more cure me love isolation medication therapy know solution death please help me say lie spent countless nights agony even age  begging god kill cannot deal anymore infested completely want die depression leave stems them destroying relationship life see getting better trying everything power still love blood cruel thing worse offenses something good them something they eyes love me hurt helped many ways mind completely fucked cant think weep hours hours hate like this seems like way out passion feelings love satisfaction nothing life feel dead killed young knew future future things better