professional solitary confinementthis worst month life first significant romantic relationship ive  years ended around thanksgiving bottle emotions eventually nervous breakdown instead handling like normal person rough weeks that going alright part work two jobs one projectionist major film theater star wars ruined me point running short documentaries job relatively active schedule keeps am  hour shift consisting maybe hour work rest time effectively babysit machinery dark soundproof box alone myself unable leave get real breaks since downtime shows considered break first two weeks saw sun maybe ten minutes theater for business reasons get into decided get run understaffed projectionists zero flexibility schedule quit theater probably survive loss job gives hours time alone basically sit thoughts ive tried reading surfing reddit podcasts like cut it end night seen star wars  times got sick  thats spent christmas eve christmas day new years job also complicated work coffee shop days week helps social time covers rentbills job willing flexible enough accommodate theater schedule my bosses jobs good friends problem one coworkers recent ex tried make things work friends genuinely still love her im place mentally handle it month trying realized hurting us cut off well though looking back childish best emotionally abusive worst every interaction made feel guilty even though intend to horrible her deserve that point speaking asked understanding boss schedule us together anymore seeing feels like punch stomach completely terrified running her decided time move chicago really close friends migrated past years cant stand anymore city im small everyone knows everyone would say fuck theater leave tomorrow four months left lease unless find friend finish time me im stuck then im charismatic outgoing thats earned lot acquaintances one two good friends here none feel comfortable opening this point life cycle work staring ceiling trying sleep never isolated socially physically im incredibly dark place reason killed want kind harm family wish could stop thoughts every day voice gets louder louder getting harder rationalize away appointment psychiatrist tomorrow im seriously worried surviving end month much less may need help