suicidal definitely hurting myselfso going long sorry know late s cant kill myself attempted times years cant courage so however last past year worst ive started physically hurt various degrees added heavy drinking smoking want die apparently take long painful way barely slept weeks im losing it tried push reached point feel trapped get worse every time something seems working make feel slightly happy manage fuck up also im living foreign country able get kind friends want also cant leave anymore anyone talk im alone im tired myself cant even look mirror anymore