note ive keeping plus update todayive losing friends steadily since high school today im two kevin jacob jacob like talking depression calls pansy try get things chest know much hurts im afraid let know risk losing yet another friend kevin listened little better advice outside price range cant afford meds therapy want alone every time try get close someone repel them im downer want find love settle since cant even hold job im attractive one wants me id burden felt loved long family practically disowned since told im gay even ones closest to elementary school good math actually proud it wanted work nasa sort scientist grew ive always dream working nasa reached th grade everything started going downhill would get correct answer idea explain got marked wrong years far behind keep understand anything taught failed many math classes almost graduate high school barely passed minimum amount math credits allowed even though as almost every subject never made trigonometry calculus take algebra every year high school still retain information dispite trying x harder rest class fast forward today im still trying learn material algebra khan academy still cant handle simple problems start understand moment change problems completely forgotten do frustrating cant help cry feel ashamed knowing never reach dreams want learn normally able make decent enough score act get college least begin career conservation feel like absolute idiot failure many people absolutely hate talking around im sure why people kick lives block me ignore time cant even talk mom sister things love talk about listen theyre ones talk anymore cant even make friends xbox one wants play games me friends either ive wanted kill long time since  reason never always high marijuana kept smiling cant afford buy anymore im addicted it go withdrawal get run out came home st louis  wasted it mostly marijuana threw away one opportunity kevin gave save car college im ashamed deserve friend spend day watching youtube netflix crying wishing dead kevin even offered help find job st louis im afraid letting failing anxiety makes hard hold job anything left live potential turn life around know cant live anymore guess thats take life update depression went away long time almost half year ive sort relapsed though im  friends now kevin distanced since wrote top part note jacob moving away too think hes mad too sick dealing moodiness im sure either way im completely alone know long ill spend like this know long spend like this date tomorrow excited kept feeling optimistic cancelled good reason thats that another cancelled date anything going now anything