gets betterif going end minutesthis tale depression im sharing hopes may help people background grew live southern alabama us growing short carefree attitude made great target bullying mention last name included word panty fun that  years verbally bullied year physically actually got beat lunch money th grade met girl start love started spending lot time together started dating rock then th grade year mother moved away job another state parents divorced way evil stepmother verbally physically abusive occasion left living grandmother became ill moved aunt far away living house myself working  hours week sometimes paying bills still high school least girlfriend high school high gpa decided id go military pay school thought could get base close far away home yeahno far continentally could home two years engagement ring later breaks phone real start all spiral tell friends weeks cause bring accept it finally friend dragged party base ended going home mother twodivorced instead it attached feelings left hanging exfiance new girl date get deployed take break get back continue see official take leave head home couple weeks home course weekend goes meets guy gets engaged weekend tripped fuck out ended sleeping married friend found later became pregnant miscarriage get back leave start cutting myself state feel endorphins kick in real feeling feel fuck head even start oral sex mom whose engaged im sleeping bed her fiance lived couple hours away ask marry work guy classy right saw military psych useless well guessed work got married two step children wife exfiance im still madly love time too new wife tubes tied chance kids find exfiance pregnant another mental blow find friend pregnant child miscarriage another mental blow due force shaping program implemented air force time get transferred reserves back close home uproot step kids wife take washington st lower alabama try fitting wife two kids dog four cats two rats explorer making cross countryso make home finding jobs sucked time hurricane ivan blown job support family would leave weekends reserves hard find family help found job ac heat business worked hospital viral ulcers throat eat drink lost  pounds week though changed jobs line cook moved neighboring town relationship got worse got point asked divorced thought yeah wanted make work didnt also around time started hanging high school friends also included exfiancestill love with husband would all including soon exwife go drinking dancing ex would danceslow dance me made think id chance least side wanted anything soon started smoking pot one coworkers help deal it wife left weekend go see new boyfriend virginiawhile still married less gets engaged there leaves two year anniversary bag weednot bad high mention bad anxiety issues pot way deal since insurance money see doctor dated slept around little drugs mdna felt level first time long time exwife left after started hear voice head would say just kill yourself theres reason still alive even worth it many nights alone holding knife wrist got set blind date wife went good started dating shortly that six months relationship need pot anymore things getting better eight months in im pregnant ended getting married year blind date college time finally started college newlyweds kid college financial nightmare started seizures complex partial temporal lobe know place memory is memory sharp anymore took get seizures control failed semester it medical bills piling up luckily mild insurance time seizures control finally move first house mortgage wife dropped college got full time job enter kid number  two kids wife mortgage plus full time college student working  hrs week anxiety reached high point depression gradually worsened gets bad again would days days days constantly think killing myself bad daysdidnt go classes maintained c avg best could tried see psych college professor sessions  pop  dollars student talk you useless funny story took one tests know mentally lying stable lol sadly regretfully started affair co worker lady ran pizza joint shopping strip fellow classmate sex classmate made fingered two made hate more wife found classmate confessed know two rough patch got it exfiance would come store worked occasion would still get biggest anxiety attacks hard enough think much less see her finally got contact ago able talk things her even still took several months finally come emotional realization us nine yearsnine years love person unrequitedly good im married someone loves two kids still financial problems steadily working that low emotionally imagine wanting kill myself went bouts could think killing myself held knife wrist many times made small cuts made bigger cuts elsewhere point take decade get better also believe destiny fate life flow let go drift makes nicer ride fight flow like several occasions even times could feel current me wanted control life hard sometimes live life walk far enough desert find oasis