feel like im losing myselfi never thought depressed angry suicidal person difficult understand ive gotten point really enjoyed life way end high school played sports got good grades enjoyed drawing writing thought pretty good both high school came end enjoyed time swimming playing water polo good enough earn scholarship partial scholarships got based grades combined money id saved nowhere near enough pay schools wanted go to rely parents told several times would pay college christian college years ago bother thought nothing it got closer graduating high school felt like limits placed future bit disappointed colleges choose from wanted remain state many great options me tried make excuses want go without betraying fact longer believe god truth wanted every kid way college wants do wanted meet new exciting people choose college learn things care about share drinking partying side christian liberal arts college seemed offer opposite wanted im second year im ready give up small school almost everyone ive encountered conservative uptight clear early difficult choice front me could betray personal beliefs values pretending religious conservative therefore fit could hold believe shunned first day sign form saying acknowledged homosexual activity wrong would participate any guess couldve said nothing fact everyone else simply signed complaints upset me got argument basically entire room long time afterward section mates avoided occasionally attacking views questioning sexuality participate sections social events time ive kind retreated feel like reasonable intelligent conversation anyone know attend mandatory church services several times week must take mandatory religious studies classes feels like church school feel like ive betrayed essays tests go gods love feel like need make grade even think crap somehow feel though im running bullshit barely scrape enough adoring words together essay anymore ive become scared feel like im someone else now changed way talk even moderate swearing seems offend people sense humor appreciated approved disappeared im taking classes writing art strict parameters place causing lose passion them hardly talk hardly go anywhere hardly anything walk path everyday class dorm listen lectures things cant care believe in amount work feels overwhelming interest it others im guy sing chapel guy want lead class prayer beginning people seem keep distance feel like people around interesting reasonable seem like people want friends with time feel even knew interesting openminded funny people im worth friends with feel like everything made melted away placed odds environment strong feelings strong relationships anymore love almost one nothing feel deeply loved anyone family seems important fit mold member family like want be know anymore im afraid future every time see dad asks career plans never answer gets upset this got argument parents religion mom cried dad stopped speaking while know feel it know whether love version theyve striving create collapsing want disappoint anyone want live life approval cant sleep night barely stay awake day food good hardly eat apart occasional bowl cereal eating feels like chore something every then limbs ache apparent reason feel like im somewhere else body vacant told day day reason feel alone im creative like used be think theres anything distinguish anyone else way feel like im already dead look forward anything except sense dread motivation live life im beginning feel like different dead want happy like used be cant remember used be cant shake feeling realization might way realized now grades slipping im sleeping classes might lose scholarship fail everyone cant imagine future myself find wishing face it