want die everythings falling apartim high school feel lost feels like dreams future planned crumbling around me live abusive home wait move go college love foreign countries foreign languages wanted esl teacher learn language point could teach job plan find college dorm would set money problem eyes savings biological grandmother really good grades apply student loans scholarships im even prepared pay loan have too live frugally already mother asked college strongly inserted opinion wants go community college it dorms wants stay home drive college even stated idea could stay dying small town teacher like id ever get job like here basically shitted dreams traveling south korea china spain saying weak make without help always done this refuses teach real world stuff im forced use help crying loud im  still learners permit really broke down im scared mind know tough  years high school stay avoid rent utilities cost living away questioning even able get away feel trapped like bird cage im terrified shell try leave might cut give support try go original plan get college dorm tough  years spend years home might well kill myself cant it cant it built strength telling would high school over think make longer feels like lied im going stuck forever stay constant fear worked hard whole year digging hole wanted kill took everything change life around think im strong enough again want leave want leave like this like torturing much