mind dark place right nowfor years recurring suicidal thoughts every time things get really bad morbid wish die peoples standards life would okay maybe even great caring mother loving boyfriend im finishing engineering degree even tuition pay would even want die devil details mum caused big traumas years ago destroying ideas me like marriage loyalty siblings hate every conversation agree ideas presses much boyfriend lacks social skills hes empathetic really harsh sometimes quite often really im terribly sensitive sex life sucks too im really late studies uni though hell unforgiving time professors really care mental health ive six years even get internship imperative order graduate work experience might find internship one im close graduate ive started badly spend last four years trying fix shit ive done im entering limbo need graduate cant graduate many regrets life lot anger heart feel like ill fail life human being partner professional mother id love lot kids im afraid ruin hate like siblings mum feel cheating bitch embedded me bad genes make fail partner although ive never let come surface see point living except dreading final hellish destination maybe pity family too im afraid ill cause much pain commit redflag life pleasant head cant find joy happy prospect me ive tried talking mum boyfriend it people think reason sad let alone depressed suicidal never let tell whole story theyd hurt lot already listening it ive therapy before horribly expensive cant afford right now think quarantine helping see things different light know mind worst place moment