love pain cause mei dont know talk to dont know get help without sounding desprate im breaking point consistantly thinking end it im nightmares every single night havent felt like since highschool coming back im scared feel like way out best thing tell story started university moved mothers home protect myself verbally emotionally abusive tried maintain relationship her worked cannot get past issues right before directly moved two friends died moved sibbling hoping would able get closer happened life hell distracted sibbling sure do failing classes cannot focus exactly escaping mother tries control finances bad mouthes anychance get point shes destroying self esteem making family hate me eldest sibling trying help trying keep grounded keep getting wound this since ive moved shes made feel worthless schooing insignificant work insignificant relationship boyfriend doesnt exist says simply want say im someone need attention men daddy issues moved found cheating boyfriend something agreed on camera basement videos boyfriend would shove face make watch them told didnt want to said could never talk anything talked man sex with ended destroying relationship heard boyfriend point hurt didnt love him wanted end thought wouldnt i even though hurt disturbed me concerned him sister got mad me wanting upstairs could time alone saying neglecting family didnt pay enough money live there nothing family something comment wanted relationship me tried talk would ignore act uninterested cheated boyfriend best friend also showed video that want see it told cheat jaded view her much want think badly her hearing warped mind went go see boyfriend christmas lives ways away said isnt real relationship cheat me dangerous stupidest mistake ive ever made lovely felt welcomed happy family regret second time went on lectures wanted housework rent went up fine this personal jabs hurt like mom judging relationship school came summer gave lecture right front him humiliating me talking treated horribly got upset one point hated didnt deserve treated like that why would interfere relationship way shape form offended broke rules rules going upstairs boyfriend came upstairs wake morning asked lay give hug got caught large amount trouble course going break rules im teenager sex wanted together  mins response got disrespecting family cared nothing them boyfriend told talk him else would get angry would hit me became scared uncomfortable home called home sisters boyfriend offered massage accepted back massage text afterwards multiple times asking give another massage time clothes full body massage said no said would professional persisted give one thing said first taken no not telling therapest this things shouldnt say talked daughter treat her want honest opinion isnt fantastic isnt horrible child taken away isnt best sister emotionally distanced child constantly loses temper despite fact child  hours per night unless day off does child something gets trouble go upstairs father rough doesnt beat things done questionable said therapest taken worst way childrens aid called sister immediatly blamed me worst part peak sat three hours asking called rat living house little bitch morning child woke crying wouldnt listen mom said heard say yeah keep going childrens aid take away used threat call information disclosed meant family did cannot change it speak want speak confirm true reflection treatment child taking place rather reflection me boyfriend speak me side family hates me sister doesnt know do options kicking out moving living hell leave though get kicked out look bad childrens aid know came therapest scapegoat yelled three hours straight chance arises told im horrible person her depite knowing would happen despite feeling broke down cried last night saying sorry didnt mean like this doesnt truly deserve this right wanted us never there remains relationship taken away nothing find impossible cry everytime expects it drains much defend much begin accept shes saying accept fate nightmares wanting dead entire family hating me without family nothing without family person broke this