waiting die passively suicidalim year married woman boring clericaladministrative work ever since puberty ive dealt depression social anxiety codependency ive suicidal thoughts since  never acted upon meaningful way except one time young teen tried get top building jump it foiled locked door ridiculous last years rough less less energy terrible time paying attention work suffer it makes feel even like shit even suicidal thoughts used enjoy things passion dance literature history etc im starting find difficult even get excited things now real friends apart one lovely lady may bonded college lives far away due combination terrible social skills well afraid basically everyone right now meaningful relationships may parents brother husband husband genuinely good guy honestly love man never want get divorced think matter time marriage crumbles apart due number reasons  life sentence mental illness  seem give fuck  narrow interests gaming gaming combined  inability take pleasure anything anymore ive tried get interested things together thing together gaming watching tv worse sex life frankly disappointing good ill hearts tied libido feel unloved scarcity it last times weve sex like making love someone whod rather something else really passive disinterested change appearance since started dating either hes sick difference drives ive tried therapy last round go well psychiatrist kept trying focus finding meaningful career honestly self esteem shit automatically think would fail whatever set do im going try frustrating im tired kept wishing ill erased existence memory think drinking bottle draino know loved ones would tormented guilt want hurt them