tw sexual abuse eating disorder  carry oni survivor childhood sexual abuse perpetrator somebody close family still see regular basis started probably  years old went years   never told anybody fear would tell fault making up first time happened pushed empty room made pull pants same grinded made touch him stuck tongue mouth put fingers inside me time things got worse happened pretty regular basis stopped touching developed eating disorder anorexic bulimic tendencies dropped  pounds way  looked like death everybody told fabulous looked id never beautiful life even mom egged on saying proud weight loss years really able get close anybody push away relationship ive ever violent boyfriend would cheat me know men use sex let them value all attempted redflag two times first time took bunch pills friend made throw second time tried drowning myself boyfriend time saved me today  months pregnant course pregnant boy love son guess thats im submitting this im triggered every day know continue on try kill myself sake son continue life im afraid turn like father verbally physically abuse women matter feel like matter voice continue plagued memories know need love son born feels impossible nobody else love i obviously life means nothing anybody wish succeeded killing chance