feel really alone want help know dohi all sorry sorta dumb confusing know else do past week so ive feeling really suicidal ive therapy past nine years im tired alive raised single bipolar verbally abusive mom died fourteen ive abused assaulted physically sexually throughout life want pain anymore abandoned moved foster home foster home really wanted place family found home supposedly loved wanted eventually decided two years much forced facility within span night facility watched members staff get attacked assaulted forced body inspections whenever left facility generally awful time people threatened tried murder wish upon anyone leaving facility found home seemed love me family could potentially call own thought life going well everything order had wonderful amazing partner loves cares me group friends supported family loved me recently come change told parent would never dad let alone parent would never trust me going partner find emergency housing subsequently needing find temporary  permanent housing stressful involved around time relationship problems started communication great really anyone involved even though weve progressively gotten better things not were constantly stressed even look afraid i done nothing significant enough deserve this even know why addition parents small little foster brother children got pretty intense car accident two days ago thats also big factor feel im scared know do want end life pain everything confusing know do ive tried calling hotlines talking friends not partner everything took mental health day school  uni today cant anymore know do please help 