lack jealousya weeks ago decided starve death lasted week turns starving much much painful slitting wrists gunshot head anyways said robbed whatever drove people due father died mother two clicks short psycho maybe one click short anyways years intensive zazen know missing ive never jealous anyone im  lived entire life without jealousy suppressed every day practice zazen becomes slightly clearer exactly wrong me im sure sounds people imagine living whole life without jealousy people everyone know likes me sure puts absolutely horrendous position without jealousy hard want like someone like someone hard like kind music kind music jealousy people large extent base entire identities on ive never that remember exactly supposed start mid twenties life seems like lost cause