life kinda sucks right nowscared posting due friends following me im terrified reaching anyone specific since going shit right dont want burden dont even know put words life treating well dont know do im swamped school work time live hobbies watching movies shows socializing etc nothing dont time that go sleep wake give one hour want spend rest day staring screen cramping hand writing much family gets worse worse everyday live twin sister mom grandparents every time talk sister insults calls joke shes mocked bullied throughout time quarantine cant take anymore grandparents sister mom always yelling other especially grandma sister every night dinner ends screaming match grandma guilt tripped lot ive started scared grandpa gets angry easily lashes out mom person really talk to even feel like burden im trying get autism diagnosis well seems one believes me told therapist shes screened social anxiety autism mom said ive convinced myself im autistic sister often use r slur autism insults well despite telling shouldnt still does mention current politic state america pandemic still happening sometimes wish could contract could die people wont wear masks quarantine themselves theyre making pandemic worse ive lost ten pounds since ive started antidepressants im never hungry im never thirsty dont energy take care myself almost fainted shower days ago want end it wish th grade went plan escape besides internet time consume content like ive never wanted kill bad theory would easy im much coward actually it im  turning  next february wont able move another  years im terrified driving dont want hurt friends mom hurts live promised friend mine mom wouldnt leave possibly amazing supportive partner ever would never want hurt him dont see graduating high school dont see going college growing old didnt even plan make far life im suffering it would tell therapist last thing want placed mental hospitalpsych wardwhatever put in dont want entire school knowing im suicidal dont want family hang head dont want old exfriends old religious private school calling selfish sinful dont want sister use ever interaction have would rather kill go that im tired want leave life bad dont know do im scared it people say gets better cant live yourself life someone else and dont think does dont know can need break