venting probably helpsi reoccurring idea that point walk well ornamented butcher block take favorite carving knife gut myself feel like nothing left tank feels like less decision instinct nature calls know intellectual standpoint lead pretty decent life wife kids  kids two story suburbia decent career thing is ive felt way early age never gone away feel like urge gets stronger goes away sometimes returns returns greater degree before think part feels overwhelmed responsibilities ive chosen take on im helping profession deal people bad shape day come home wife collection problems thought could fix seems take two steps back every step forward son going turn four soon autistic bad hes high functioning aspergers side things see much hate that really want live reality ive lived in even sure im point suppose going anywhere looking responses change much pep talks rarely at least long run guess need get see im really dealing with