thinkingive wrote many times want kill myself really want pain stop know happen would die oh scared whats come next do know would hurt mother die cowardly sees broken pays mind knew gay probably now wouldnt matter died going hell anyway direction feel unloved whole life never felt anyone wanted cared existence outside blood relatives feel like monster physically mentally homosexuality disgusts makes feel x worse myself hate degenerate feel less person joke mental health taking toll feel anxious  state anxiety getting worse depression becoming crippling jealous happy people especially straight envy normalcy lust life know pain people attraction deserve cant keep living like cant see marrying woman hide hard seeing worth used it feel bad redflag knowing people really suffering redflag brings peace remember back mind might suffer eternally wish knew certain