even current struggles burdens life still wanna diei shitty childhood born  weeks early addicted meth heroin alcohol fetal alcohol syndrome autism bipolar anxiety family mostly made drug addicted rednecks ive lived many roachmold infested trailers stepped many needles broken meth bowls abused family partners bullied ostracized im awkward dont understand social cues learning disability anxiety made keeping stable job hard cried every day waitress hated customer service people hated me ive got great paying warehouse job likenot loveeeeee like it great boyfriend get new car rent house hometown ill closer friendsfamily like im still sad nothing sad about im going wait even longer isolate everyone make easier idk ill go work boyfriend cant keep job anyways gonna od dph alcohol used addicted seems like hellish way go im scared wont work ill go back mental hospital need get gun somehow obviously cant legally buy one due illnesses thinking become daydream sweettt escape ive eating much melatonin benadrylbut enough get high bc obvious stay sleep  hours straight sleep minus like  min increments hard sleep again im trying hard leave boyfriend without thinking fault hes also depressed hard noose last attempt still sitting yardpeople must think halloween decoration maybe take that go dads woods course hell report missing immediately cant think  people actually care hope itll find think ran away maybe itll soften grief