hate death despise life moredepression ptsd bpd drag people love im leech hurts like shit rip slowly killing long run wish death every second terrified people world mental capacity suffering exists hate hate hate god cant take care cat anymore cant anything lying bed takes much energy stopped things love reading drawing gaming socialising drinking eating less sad empty cant wash brush teeth get dressed eat healthy self harm still bleeding  days wasting time wasting money wasting love wasting life wasting frustrated held life loved ones cant study medical condition want go coma spend infinite amount time head nightmares painful bearable compared real life shutting talking body makes sound farting voices want fade away anger bitterness sadness disgust towards ptsd hyperventilation slight amount always gasping air time feels like im hungover even though drink look others look me see much failure never productive work tons ideas perfect redflag blanket choking shut fuck clocks tic tic bullshit im never going get better prefer die please