plans kill march ive struggling lot depressive selfdestructive thoughts years remember really mild sad episode genuine feelings emptiness wanting close eyes never wake this im extremely paranoid friends feel like hate force talk otherwise think ill hurt kill myself nothing feels genuine think anyone would ever want hang find nice friend mostly childhood friends treating way ive never made good experience genuine friend whos friend makes feel alone unwanted im scared everyone sees psychotic person need endure else theyd feel guilty redflag im scared opening past trauma barely trust anyone this want hang localgiant forest th birthday mainly want dad birthday kill myself love lot also sees psychotic rather normal person know past conversations way talks problems psychologist mom abused want talk felt like mention it nothing future seems good worth going pain im loss want hang myself ive crying since woke closest friends betrayed trust yesterday called police psychotic breakdown talking dying never said id try anything called want talk want feel responsible death thats think least selfish thinking that im heartbroken shook up none messaged since yesterday either feel like truly hate abandoned me feel like fault broke friendship lost one things still cheered day up know anymore im heartbroken wish die hope manage hang march ordered proper rope set good time window