suck rantso idk im dont anyone comfortably tell whole internet ive prolly suicidal since   watch mom cousin murdered cousin still mentally physically handicapped day due event escaped fully fractured head  backstory above ever since ive felt guilty experience much less compared everyone elses event various family members would tell dies instead shouldnt alive wish instead reason pity family members go much things along lines understand said though agree dies instead sisters could mom could stop crying sleep anxiety problems breakdowns dies dad could one true love could stop sad hiding wants strong us sometimes think couldnt save could still alive reason im terrible weak selfish conceited good person saved them funeral everything began abused verbally physically mentally ran together could see much pain life caused people around me knew going help anyone would kill could least reminder event cause thats am reminder day dad lost wife siblings lost mom grandparents lost daughter aunts uncles lost sibling goes on scars run skull reminder lived torture couldnt bad im arent month deaths tried slit wrists stupid me four year old thinking even power cut deep enough die couldnt cut far enough cried pain treated say trying cut fruit knife slip family believed dont know life went one knows wasnt accident ii breakdown breakdown years that one could see cause didnt want cause pain anyone around me act fine unaffected called robot family friends emotions didnt want express them since never wanted happy cause fell like would insult mom cousin people around me happy made people around hurt much dont think ive ever happy take pride that never happy im taking away happiness mom cousin could experienced  didnt fully try comment redflag last year didnt want experience pain though made worse family members dies pain endure couldnt even slit wrists could bleed out couldnt experience pain feeling bleach going throat  endure seconds felling breath taken away strangling chose unpainful way knew oded combination many pills got saved doctors said reason lived cause didnt chose right combination pills theres another thing failed at couldnt even chose right pills could die school month didnt contact anyone gone ones knew anything happened dean teachers knew medical reason didnt know details hospital alone time began seeing could kill even monitored saw girl killed starvation finally found something knew could accomplish would least little pain could give family members gave slowly stopped eating aloud wear clothes got baggy colthes wouldne revealed acted happy recieved food everyone would suspicous end mystay got weighed again went  already underweight got  doc therapists shocked legally let go home stayed week home parents went back school walked everyone stopped best friend came said ghost thought dead made hurt much dead realized small like happened couldnt tell her whole day heard whispers bad looked skinny gotten looked like collaspe felt like too got admitted eating hospital got better im better know people telling bad look know im healthy weight im going start starvation again hope finally accomplish something successfully it see ampxb yeah idk said even right place post oh well