go whole story basic details  year old guy homeowner  years current career career job homeowner creative person new firsttime father since   experienced depressive episodes severe depressive symptoms gotten worse gotten older taken responsibility burned people repress heartdesires live fulfilling life travel take risks etc done less conventional things like therapy tried multiple drugs even yearlong clinical trial experimental drug treatmentresistant depression etc while able travel  weeks winters three winters row probably happiest years despite good things happening life lately tend always dwell really negative things trauma experienced devalue discard manipulation cruelty others sense worthlessness morose sense nothing really matters forgotten one day last  years really really struggling finally find something works suicidal ideation less always there different intensities volumes depending happening feeling lot live right want part daughters life much success mood drugs talking primary care doctor seeing psychologist etc feel like almost something dramatic like check somewhere order get proper diagnosis treatment plan finally taken seriously always afraid costs possible intervention policeauthorities point lived like long cannot imagine living another  years like this hate major depression viewed weakness chronic condition   kill people anyone else done this peoples experiences like hospitalization inpatient treatment