know much longer lastim  full time college student college try keep appearances act like normal happy person reality lie im constantly depressed feel lonely live home often jokingly tell mother im going kill gauge reaction tell joke im sure anymore reason think killed yet mother know sister says im pushover let everyone walk me truth sister likes take advantage character flaw constantly fucks fear repercussion acts like loves me makes sick furious feel im outside observer watching life go theres point living im going die line often think waiting die way skip waiting part go directly death pathetic life daily think least painful way kill myself  friends mother would probably care greedy sister would show pretend care hoping get shit