 yo history severe depression including suicide attempts got around  seeked medical support thought getting better found live tried live good life father passed away suddenly kept existential crises see point living anymore years back used cut arms thighs whenever wanted distract pain somewhere physical even feel like anymore lot scarier every person life know super happy person issue hate burst bubble sharing story them point want anyone family know leading double life therefore cannot get professional help me point nothing even hurts anymore even thought loved ones missing gone want kill myself would great could exist anymore please help me cry help