run away kill myselfhi im situation really need advice sorry english good really know start ill best explain father alchoolic since remember sometimes fine time pretend normal everything turns shit story deeper this basically good childhood gets drunk usually tells loved mother never loved back prefered uncle never let succed anything and thats excuse nothing today adding father never present alchoolic spent money had think get story could guess learned kids are im  years old life lived domestic violence would mother me years lived much fear always good grades want give excuse beat me never anything dramatic like others teenagers home used quiet lonely studying listening music room nowadays recognize fault blame mother never leaving him says money nowhere go truth much proud ask help family keep life ignoring like normal live like this little sister born settled little beat years never let sister wherever tried beat mother would help everyone calm down remember many scenarios livedlike one time even turned gun head remember wishing would could end turned  become easier got parents house go college completely alone easy either kind missed home would come back home every weekend mother sister father crisis become often again every weekend gets drunk let us sleep study talking night childhood first would listen felt sorry him recognize sadness him felt alike even reason but decided let got courage talk done me shaking crying much though worth would finally know pretended knew done thought good father  apologized thing makes worth fact im afraid anymore talk confront him seems forget everything  convenient since im   got interested life  studies like kind creepy i cant find another word describe asks sex life boyfriend stuff like that always turn subject around really subject bothers even creepy never got interest me never wanted know going good studies liked this spent life invisible house  to always felt like one cared everytime tried talk feelings one would hear me learned strong move alone reached limit everytime gets drunk comes asking never let know life never talk ask permition go like mall beach when  didnd ask  have hate he says hate based i guess fact talk life hes drunk asks the questions sexual life im done this feel like  options running away got train disappear but would give college while till got money  kill end shit good finally mother would recognize something got change ask help family ask money grandfather sister could live but know would accept got courage so fourth option keep going thisbut know cani feel much damaged inside want come back every weekend sister said want left alone want leave her hard cant handle anymore