feel trapped lb body mind flooded suicidal thoughtsi wont cant leave mom want to bad everyday wake wish body would finally give up least die natural causes terrible around you dont blame themselves want normal life every day pain suffering whats point try lose weight fail get mad self sabotage binge eating way feel good also punish sucking every minute life hurt every day wonder ill fit here there ever day worry ill break chair furniture people stare think poorly you doctor says exercise going work  days week hard enough hardly walk office car searing pain running legs back eat healthy standing cook painful legs shake like im going fall im deep addiction food feel like way death dont want wait come naturally say redflag selfish wanting someone live life depressed pain dont guilt sadness selfish one blame myself every day think ending all want misery over feel like ive ruined life even lose weight much irreversible damage point carrying on dont see it hate ive done hate myself hate body hate love food