im donei m havent easy life life always riddled trauma ive always managed find way through  mother tricked going africa holiday planned leave forever  years country despised filled ignorant regressive people didnt know better managed gain back freedom convincing relatives shared beliefs islam although despised ideology prayed  times day year convince them even sent islamic propagation centre  months survived amp im proud myself horrors faced could never describe landed england knew wanted life studied hard got good university worked hard got ideal body amp met plenty women generally enjoyed life face new challenges overwhelmed me broke jaw summer cant even breathe properly cognitive function impaired speech horrendous body deteriorating im left back pain fucked face went  absolute confidence someone barely maintain eye contact because im aware ugly am lower face shortened look old pictures realising il never look like ever again failed module university ive withdrawn mother disowned ive told im atheist amp im debt living alone struggling even cover rent strong views religion outlook world unconventional learn world less want it im disappointed giving simply much handle cant imagine living life broken tools im left with even recover academically could never live life like wanted impairments im opinionated like think im open minded cant stand phonefixed peers spent time alone university gym studying etc never needed anyone cant work amp im longer studying realise one people around energy gave aura gone death something ive always pondered rough times past amp plenty close calls purpose exception time thought id never come back england stole cousins gun held held didnt pull trigger weapon jammed larger round magazine remove could use it whilst so decided go last ride stole motorcycle rode like kid death screaming pain out stopped intense conversation myself told youre strong matter hopeless seems m youre strong youll find way this time different dont see end goal see fucked chance existence death besides release existence tell stories make unknown bearable genuinely love is door back whatever conscious anything come afterwards cut religious bullshit nobody knows amp theres one way find out better this right