rough couple years grandmother died mother kind mental break abuse escalated terrible years constant yelled violence grandfather started drinking fell deep alcoholism lot violence drinking going long time money lost friends eventually got kicked move year ago almost got evicted worse time life today everything is okay lost sense self graduated month ago got job going college month mothers meds calmed down something within wrong everyday think killing myself even choice point thoughts come me think lonely could sleep awhile thoughts creeped in new job nannying week time sleep entire week come back mothers house weekend back one day already going mad work felt way twice first day so know feel way everything cried self sleep come first time long time okay still want lay go away think would write would write anything find body whether not grandfather remember me questions kids work ask imagine memory thoughts hurting flood in used someone strong knew wanted hope hope gone know anymore recognize person mirror best life years cannot help want end all