know doi mean know do obviously im posting says something currently  years ago life going great getting ready graduate high school id accepted one best colleges program exactly wanted loving whole family supporting parents saved enough scholarships id received could completely pay college now nothing changed im exactly be im  years academic record noteworthy laudable financially im great place getting industry internships im track great success except im probably going kill day now somehow past  years entire life became lifeless nothing changed surface everything tainted tinted grey like opening scenes wizard oz find joy anything anymore get sad either sometimes feel like crying screaming cant sometimes seems like everything sort goes back normal little while like im super busy something always comes back ive trying keep busy possible im wearing out end sleeping much wallowing it scare sometimes too know everyone invasive thoughts random things would never do mine really freak out sometimes ill find planing elaborate redflag schemes methods notes such nothing written down sometimes random self harm like stabbing again know im much pussy actually anything thats worst sometimes find looking around people around me thinking many people could kill police showed up would happen stabbed person best place put bomb would be makes sick stomach want kill it especially know could it nothing file would disqualify buying gun enough technical knowledge build bomb knifes pretty much everywhere wish id get run cement truck want tell anyone id probably put psych ward chance kill really goes window want put family that sister got trying kill herself actual reason severe physical pain months doped knows barely distinguishable heroin pain meds on think parents could take that within last months ive feeling way years trigger trauma went through rhyme reason im like this guess im fucked up im going anything tonight guess want help since im here