today  free pain gripped longi  years old india probably gonna be long one thinking killing tonight introvert   father diagnosed psychosis disorder lost job it struggling since then everyone like gonna alright give time worse right now struggling anxiety since then anyone go talk this every friend socalled told  would hear like story  feel sorry sometime thats it wanted little support  much ask for wanted talk somebody going person could talk mom already going lot time relatives blamed dads condition  dads fault though  excessive meditation going one spirtual institutes offering life golden age used meditate upto  hrs day days snapped went work sit nothing happened th grade kept shit inside want anyone judging me tried show people around everything control developed anxiety also addiction games seemed much me stress also caused migraines th grade would come home college sleep headache wake  play games  thats it scored  percent th grade felt like going fail th push got  percent  everyone happy knew go through went college bachelors things spiralled control used play games day  also supposed studying started feeling numb time kept myself also started watching tv shows time studied night exam passed somehow times  spent night panic mode trying study much syllabus could remember also hallucinated idea going on tell anyone pulled bachelors  got job college placements went away home condition worsened  confessed mom hoping would understand help get get medical help told natural reaction went told stay strong even told suicidal hold anymore told thoughts pass years  managed live hope  would brighter days ahead waited  years come would write thoughts poem something could feel better today  struggled everyday stay alive give up always found solace writing felt like this today amount writing could save it seems one  wrote attempt ease pain  saw name flashing phone calling  zone six feet black mind fighting devil  trying leave behind feeling gonna long one two hours fighting constant reminder much conflict im getting harder every time win i win simply means die whole exercise kills inside struggle lasts two three days clear mind contemplate energy takes  hope minute ive already lost just scared admit drama come senses rub eyes pick lenses look around aftermath picked phone call back hoping ask id lie  neither wear mask im frustrated hold back lost sense time lost track always plan keep moving forward voices make act coward thank reading wish luck