gtperpetual existence sorrows forever repeat cycles collapse person gt gtindelible memories turned still images constantly reproduced gt gtmirror past reflects good times buried misery gt gtinevitable roads intersect life divert coursefree poetry helps cope way write feel point life  years old feel like living inertia even began live life already tired iti live best places fact would argue live horrendous place see everything crumble around see trapped here everything getting worse every day hope get chance get out country sucks city sucks household sucks practically poor live future hopes making somewhere time passed grown pessimistic seeing that realistically might make anywhere might end living miserable life making anywherei trapped inside house year now friends withered away ever first place everyone liked talk online either ditched disappeared social redflag worsened time mental health need deal mood swings depression trauma adhd untreated tried everything get access mental health professionals even others help me end could it still live family helpful all best tell problems either exist matter there people worse problems yours cannot even talk much it esteems constant emotional psychological yes also physical abuse rest things feel safe talking themsomething traumatic happened late last year me hard explain knew was event mental health went drain never cared got mad sudden change behaviour even let cope safe way led copping unsafe ones much happened ever since many meltdowns many nights feeling hopeless many dark thoughtsand am winter break university  typing could going sleep fix fucked sleep schedule least something fun instead feel completely apathetic depressed want disappear much trauma backstabbed many times much everyone taken advantage me almost everyone ever liked disappeared always feel hopeless feel worthless want try anything anymorei want make new friends eventually find way make go away involuntarily redflag keep away friendship fade away want get another relationship going abused again want go heartbreak again lost interest hobbies play guitar play videogame usually even fun anymore helps temporarily kill eternal boredom feel make think things catch go back feeling depressed fuckand live inertia wake follow routine every day anything interesting expect anything good see every new day another day get through another day deal everything another day wonder situation got here why last question ultimately kills me why me done deserve this cannot happyi tired this want die want live without pain things getting better certainly feels like never will stuff could fixed lot hard work many things carry forever know want to tired living inertia only able feel sadness