please helpeta tldr tried everything probably going suggest help situation improveand still things every dayand none helps im writing feel like im supposed thats it actually even expect anyone respond offer kind realistically helpful advice apologies title dramatic guess first started typing thinking would sound  sure even get this though minute start typing trying verbally tell someone going on emotions inside shut hell stop momentarily turns off cant talk anymore but really much pain unbearable sort sobbing right feel ache inside indescribable done everything name it tried it countless therapists tried varieties psychotherapy me tried therapy per week twice per week every week month took hiatuses cbt personbased therapy spiritual therapy even whole dbtfocused program specific sixmonth group program survivors sexual assault male therapists female therapists network near far away young old psychiatrist twoyear period tried total sixteen different psych meds absolutely nothing helped me got four five classes drugs apparently superincredibly medicallyphysically sensitive could take half minimum dose anything prescribed me even then still kept falling  people get rare freaky side effects everything two years experimenting pysch meds basically consistently sick hell always battling side effects never able keep healthy meds work me period hospitalized evaluated depression suicidal threatsideation planned kill gotten point telling thentherapist going id hiding plans decided really help anymore agreed seek treatment someone else ended hospital met people felt like clicked inhospital but fucking hospital live alone so fit family point mother acknowledges cries phone saying wishes different everyone else things hard me labeled everything borderline highly sensitive think deeply extremely conscientious sensitive towards others well sensitive myself made hard interpersonal relationships find constantly disappointed inafraid people exacerbated fact three abusive relationships one psychopath sexually abused daily basis three years choked suffocated closet floor four months relationship despite  actually put pretty huge effort trying unsuccessfully make friends such joined five meetupcom groups years ago went ton events work formed meetupcom group organized events also work volunteered social work program requiring training group volunteers county result friendships either work tough soul speak forced active facebook despite hating it said yes social invitations got including every work gathering party acquaintances etc done online dating via three different sites forced send emails go dates possible even get house also regularly walk dog engage community activities participate family functions even though particularly hard deal with none helped alone friendless isolated anyway feel like single human life really knows understands wants close friend me even tired making huge monumental efforts strengthen existing relationships acquaintances andor start new friendships social ventures fails eventually tired stable steady career fortunate enough know last quite even shitty economy though make ton money means okay myself especially without spouse kids however job highly highly demanding stressful often feel like drowning workload have enjoy do lately feel like level commitment required something im sure keep doing used every single sick vacation day available fight keep hospitalization wraps for also needed use sick days feel example though honestly go work tomorrow perform par cannot really stay home anymore either know going make much longer feel like hospital psychiatrist gently pushed go shortterm disability budget little tight lately feel would career redflag that job kind take break without serious consequences attached absence would domino effect lot things people feel like agree hospitalized went shortterm disability get treatment work anyway because years stuff either would risked career result could conceivably come back disability job insurance s mom told today tears supposed best years life feels terrible much pain really believe get better spent significant portion time researching redflag last two years methods picked out honing emotions gut deal it keep trying get resolve go already cant handle idea dog could given away total strangers moment thing keeping here period sometimes think how dog dies absolutely immediately kill myself feel like goal anymore every time get nerve talk someone stuffwhich rare anymorethe person ends acknowledging really really done things supposed cases says something like i wish could help i wish something tried could work often exasperated sigh end conversations now person realizes nothing really worked really nothing suggest help anymore feelings hopelessness pretty much charts much want die figure somehow understand first placeit seems like complete glitch mistake someone sensitivity inability belong would even born first place like believed god would cruelest possible thing could imagine someonethrowing world like this possibly handle it know do feel like choking breath half time sick saying things over