today brother told looked like tired livingi thought good hiding day mind keeps getting clouded gets harder enjoy life back dad got cancer got big depression yes always mild depression getting cancer something else led redflag attempts realizing die live life whatever want thinking fact thay dad got better made happy months think im relapsing mind getting clouded point become self destructive simply care living feel like theres meaning life time want die theres nothing life die become nothingness theres something took life punish it want stop time bed nothing eternity want think want anything want alone eternity way see things two things happen end ending sure nothing life regretting get older want go doctor seek help planning months yet go im afraid im old enough go alone still fear parents finding out brother looking like crazy person like loser yes loser loner putting face meds probably therapy would given sure makes feel worse sorry guys wanted vent bit idk right sub ill play thought seeking help likely delete post later