f mei cant take life anymore everything falling apart nothing ever same worst thing thats happening right brother arrested something horrible cant talk anybody still ongoing matter whole family torn apart this mom wont even talk shes concerned him im afraid shes going spend families money college fund him feel like selfish piece shit even worrying right now even found yesterday wanted kill myself ive wanting kill long time dont think anything matters anymore cant imagine feeling worse right now ive suicidal before ive mental hospital twice raped ive suicidal ideation long time pretty much long remember even though family gave financial help could always sad child molested starting age  older boss restaurant worked at went college raped guy thought really liked me dumb think anyone could like me im extremely fat ugly one even believe rape police made feel like fault couldnt cope trauma rape dropped college started drinking heavily raped several times got bad situations know fault things got little better stopped drinking started going therapy happened brother see going horrible downward spiral dont think anything ever get better dont think theres hope