return approuchingi happy long time im  managed fuck everything up never friends kid nothing changed loneliness crippling even since pushed away one friend manage get how one turn to friends family dad died  months ago mothers mental physical health getting worse daily nothing do got response one uks best universitys weeks back conditional offer grades low currently able work mentality every day think redflag whats point anything die soon anyway things going get better me going university last hope deadlines approaching motivation feeling like ive already given would easier end right yet small part wants normal happy work live stopped taking medication two months ago stock piling it grounded ready go glass hour ago emotionless whilst preparations feeling fear believe god sure scaring thinking end know im doing feel ashamed writing this wanted go silently fear much fear