past years alot shit happened decent bit trauma built up point painful even think time started happening moved dad previously walked years house thought could finally catch break not felt like object human let alone son every night even allowed close door room storage room barely allowed phone even allowed call mother made feel worse every day screwed even slightest  hour long lecture told purpose told going make life told make college told worth absolutely nothing everything went downhill one day risen hit rock bottom somehow going deeper point cannot life anymore point even made deadline kill myself always knew would never make it always knew worthless never wanted hear it surrounded negativity mother cannot even accept point even decided time school going cut everyone everything prepare day happens even going different country make sure even find everyday think better next life cared anyones feelings years barely throw facade time talk people even online time let bed crying sleep daily basis cannot take anymore cannot done