wish endi vent sorry understand people happy life control feel emptiness expands exponentionally minute consumed long time ago cannot escape it tried force brain make feel happy smoking weed tried heal negaitve feelings emotions going psychiatristpsychotherapist using psylocibin lsd nothing ever helped even showed escape emptiness never felt useful belonged anywhere everywhere go feel like burden go back bed cry next day like last eight nine months many urges end past two weeks even know sane something phisically wrong brain know reason killed girlfriend first met almost two half years ago gotten much hope still do every day becomes harder harder keep smile painted face want good boyfriend good person overall know much time left untill mind breaks myself want kill myself pressure feel every day becoming debilitating feel like going lose control mind body one last time finally put end all