paini lived pain one way another since born never got know father killed vietnam  months old molested neighbor years early teens battled alcohol drug addictions s two failed marriages many failed careers count diagnosed prostate cancer  years ago spent year body ravaged radiation chemo plus couple surgerys cancer treatment left broken constant pain sure worse days mental physical pain tried tried live happy life never works out unrealistic expectations life guess complete failure son brother father husband tried keep hope future alive hope torture talking coworked last week finally hit me things given put could right family never realized body broken never fixed lost hope day tried explain wife basically said so what one guess right gives shit want make money pay bills may live dream tired pain tired alone head wish strength end all dont feel guilty pain know would cause people love care me dont care anymore cant understand pain dont kill dont want burden wife sons would cause even though know would better without me anchor around wifes neck holding back ruining life nothing left offer sons expect cautionary tail live nothing financial emotional burden around me feel alone hope want die