every day think hit rock bottom next day worsei nineteen year old female set leave first year college days always struggled depression eating disorders bpd went little therapy stopped several reasons one main ones past year felt like living cloud amazing relationship supportive man loved great grades job enjoyed just everything felt like experiencing genuine love happiness first time life felt valued supported everyone around me and general even felt good myself started birth control  months ago help deal pmdd well past month though feel like entire life completely fallen apart around me know approach all feel complete emptiness loss like abandoned every person ever meant anything me boyfriend love life broke moved across country said still loved would stayed situation right feel comfortable pursuing ldr said want relationship anyone really getting settled new atmosphere and anything might pursue meaningless sex fulfill physical needs would still maintain friendship basically see goes ever end city again first thing found tough deal with yes know knew wanted lot introspection felt comfortable continuing friendship but emergency mouth surgery given lot hydrocodone took religiously mouth hurt made stop however pills gone severe withdrawal i experiences opiates before sleep days constant vomiting symptoms severe anxiety top off friends left town point completely alone freaking head days nights end really broke spirit already raw ways feelings rejection nowexboyfriend cant handle anything opiate withdrawal could finally sleep again nightmares resurfaced it didnt mention before probably past  months nightmares almost every night sometimes two three remember freak morning worse before though often featuring ex death abandonment various forms psyche explores different combinations every night im little body mod decide get another piercing ear though try raise selfesteem little bit find something new positive about one night decide smoke little by myself try destress nice time staring computer talking old friends abandoned years ago still try talk desperate trouble letting go people next morning driving grocery store see familiar fluffy animal side road vulture it pulled ran it cat image burned head fur matted dirty one eye completely blank staring nothing pulled socket tongue lolling ants already beginning crawl there lost it got box wrapped it stiff laying awhile cant shake intense feelings guilt responsible letting cat every night taking care her failed selfcentered got high laid bed getting struck car even able bring dig hole bury yet unable function even get bed more considering lonely feel am attempt schedule meetup friends live outside city planing going well day of every single last one ditches really handle sort thing well never have much time literally every person life left even try worthless drain resources nobody gets happiness me next night friend friend invites roll rave friends restores hopes little bit molly falls through start feeling sick rave make everyone leave early due friends turn whole bunch dudes sexually harrass evening touching breasts legs violating personal space matter much told stop feel really guilty helpless this much bigger leave alone dressed rather scantily rave without realizing would hanging long afterwards just feel really dirty soiled whole thing yeah am girl given ride decides wants sleep drive back around noon wake abruptly am throat literally swollen could barely breathe speak it idea happened wake friend force give ride parents house refuse take doctor think took drugs made sick spend next three days complete agony completely alone mulling head start feel slightly better second two days nice chat phone exwhoiamnowfriendswith weve talking little bit stay touch others lives nothing like before learn one girls claimed previously friends basically dating honestly support really want happy astonished truly hurt quickly moved relationship really ways noticed love before give blessing though talk feelings bit still capable making happy even talking new girl bizarre comes today wake nightmare little sleep still feverish throwing throat still going crazy losing mind feelings insignificance loss just replaced hurt literally weeks found someone new even though loved much hell even week ago admitted still loved missed lot feel even worthless like started entirely new life new friends new girlfriend place it cannot meet anyone elses needs good mopey doll constantly crying felt random dudes day goes on feel somewhat better ex tells never going give friendship matter dating whatever then tonight learn visit planning take come see completely fallen longer wants put effort coming seeing me usually would probably make feel bad bit know handle three horrible weeks honestly visit thing keeping going remaining positive force life feel like piece trash tossed away newly pieced ear even got hugely infected cant deal problems solve anything even know proceed death still love cant even handle feel hopeless never wanted go college prospect leaving throwing away huge sums money worthless degree sickens me completely unmotivated unintelligent unwanted see anything ever going get better hardest three weeks life literally every day say must rock bottom get better here next day shit happens feels like punished ways need accept ultimate punishment remove world know much hurting guilt abandonment handle want end want wait things get better think deal more