every reason happybut im not every day think ending life im engaged wonderful man love much moved great new place promising careers financially secure supportive parents honestly know things starting going downhill least think know when early  dropped masters degree went existential crisis following  years hopping jobs getting paid peanuts gaining lot weight putting strain health relationship may  landed current job fantastic following month grandmother passed away decade circling drain longer recognising anyone december started weight loss programme successful lost kg earlier year estranged halfbrothers pancreatic cancer turned terminal died two months later may july proposed partner  years said yes last month best friend killed traffic accident fault cant tell fianc hopeless powerless terrified feel hes already hell  feel incredibly guilty whenever much tell feel bit blue hes already everything would feel selfish telling somehow enough also feel terrible hiding fact sometimes want leave along everyone else deserve this cant tell parents mother manic depressive refuses treatment prejudice father already heartbroken loss estranged son who blamed gay despite fact mother one initiated divorce estrangement another son suddenly decided renounce family without telling us why effectively already lost two four children bear threaten loss youngest daughter too ive told therapist underplay feel evident im coping seem alarmed blame him know need time heal even cant get deaths im family leave want waste annual leave sick leave processing feelings like stereotypical woman im worried dont ill end psychiatric hospital something selfinflicted worse dead im utterly miserable wits end know do im desperate relief kind crushed guilt even thinking love love me