know much longer hold outthis going long wall text last  years painful difficult life far back  tried hang myself would privately write redflag get confronted parents went journals what fuck problem why would us this attention seeking real bitch move selfharmed bit well mother confronted front grandparents it you know something insert exgirlfriend here would done bitch months leading attempt finally realized depressed years told parents feeling believed first time years point would vehemently deny mental illnesses all even refusing let doctors put medication one diagnosed major depression attempt hoping could tell closest friends keep secret parents however two weeks later forcibly committed psych ward psychologist time seen beforehand immediately told attempt said im sorry cant let leave unless going facility hour later im loaded ambulance driven hospital stay meantime even though injuries anything attempt cop nonchalantly watching door room call parents tell happening since insurance show up mother hugged immediately tried punch stomach gritting teeth dont ever again drop college spend month mental hospital move back home parents attending outpatient group therapy first morning back mother immediately threatened shower if use hot water ill end myself led   minute heated discussion text admitted read texts messages friends mocked talking depression ended conversation with im going show everyone messages get hell away you point father calls starts yelling ive disrespectful need apologize role marriage agree ignore horrible things says me end day go home mother apologizes same never brought again unless remind im horrible son ungrateful piece shit one year later ive regressed horribly ive stopped going therapy seeing mental health professional take medication selfmedicate cannabis march  confronted mother buying pot turned argument screamed me youve disrespected house shouted back youve disrespected whole life charged me punching digging nails arm hit back got hands slapped face naturally called police kicked house walked three blocks covered sweat blood tears belongings backpack luckily friends lived nearby city allowed move them planned never talking parents again one phone call father continued blame deny fault own friends drove back week get rest things them gave phone they paid it car keys told never talk again week later mother sent email apologizing quickly deleted email best talk her bigger problems since move quickly also quit previous job authorize transfer also move again since friend allowed live move couple months another group friends would allow live them less month left lease well temporarily moved house worked minimum wage job try raise money apartment needless say work out since new job getting consistent hours call sick first week since got flu asked friend loan  obliged alone enough apartment options asked parents loan  agreed could meet person job gave money finally able afford place live knew relished fact own honestly wonder wouldve better going homeless dying right there four months later lost job seeing therapist trying best make ends meet constantly late job emotionally volatile using cannabis even cope would breakdown frequently home started getting anxiety attacks even got one work working register knew fucked up began searching job would take me parents pay rent it found another job paying livable wage full time work thought id finally made work able live comfortably friends respected cared me six months later lost job too started feeling horrible get bed stopped caring cleaning apartment got horrible relationship manipulative alcoholic thankfully lasted two months broke things off found work more essentially furniture delivery repos guy started paying decently idea work would intense that management genuinely care happened us one time deliver couch fourth floor apartment am elevator got yelled chewed constantly simply would overbook us blame us able deliver eight furniture sets one day first partner job lasted three months left requested vacation time two months hand repeatedly told would get it reschedule one week vacation time quit sent manager text quit day blocked number refused leave apartment vacation spent next three months wallowing misery anything productive smoked cannabis laid around plans get job parents agreed help rent since knew awful last job was january  started pushing get job thats got message old job new manager one previous colleagues wanted back raise agreed took two months things spiral back awful level before problems overbooking us offering support whatsoever things work out worse even one colleagues horrible alcoholic always came work smelling like liquor could barely lift anything matter often told boss get rid him hed say give time man need someone replace him unfortunately found immediate replacement stopped showing up point long unending text weve reached march  pandemic starting hit city im expecting work close instead cut hours half keep us open im still working there im planning moving city two months however one day mother literally begs go back work says help pay rent recommends sign unemployment leads now ive received last unemployment check next month need search job im lucky im living house full close friends cheap however im close parents house know exactly live want live again know ill probably to im lucky get financial support them frankly id rather dead know theyre going hold head like everything else know theyre going use try keep talking them know need get away them need cut off multitude legitimate reasons given current financial situation situation pandemic continuingly horrible mental state options im lucky thankful ive gone long without another redflag attempt ive selfharmed ive enough mental fortitude keep going long caring forgiving best friends have im sure id dead im also sure long alone keep together recently threw knife cutting with idea would worsen general mood ive holing room week now leave occasionally talk friends smoke come back sleep inconsistent waking late nightearly mornings everyone else asleep constant suicidal thoughts paranoid thoughts friends turning throwing out horrible intrusive anxiety halt whatever im throw constant thought loop worrying inevitably leading anxiety attack basically disassociate come back find curled ball holding back tears im scared friends much hate ive become hate image one walking room find corpse read way this thank you posted anything personal life before felt like needed get somewhere hope everyone makes alive know you sincerely love nonetheless