ive set datethe day th birthday almost  months away ive planned trip abroad friends then im starting new better job im going meeting therapist soon words given every opportunity change mind then know im posting here guess wanted tell story cant really talk redflag people know weirds out enough trouble keeping friends without baggage so goes estranged parents awful people even awful parents standards made deeply unhappy growing decided remove life years ago alone friendships superficial longterm girlfriends never worked out love once ended badly spontaneously developed chronic medical issues past year body starting break down spent last decade trying improve myself made progress become increasingly clear best self great im depressed symptoms im unhappy cant fixed im likely ever life want gave real honest shot im tired want done it so one day th birthday going kill myself long long time coming delayed years hope think im finally ready go thanks reading