think tonight night theres one thing holding backas title states think tonight night already plan done research ensure follow waking up  nights ago started talking old friend surprised find really missed me missed too stopped talking going go date misunderstanding thought stood up felt deserved done some less kind things past idea always forgives me like forgive people like me pretty long history ive seen treats people things hurt her never acted like me well im  almost  still learning drive family including town dad asked drive dinner fighting night usually do said something car driving one day going regret saying me im going forgive do infuriated yelled whenever got chance night going fast around corner bald tires crashed  car needless say exploded get car towed went dinner stayed hotel slit wrists first time always though people cry help know took knife wallet slit would covered watch looked cut wrists somewhat shocked little cared fact slit wrists researching kill come perfect plan tonight  hours  minutes im going load  gauge buckshot point head know whether actually pull trigger decide gun head took shower though miss thing really think girl feel owe stay alive knows bad anxiety talked before would talking right dad took phone way reaching her another reason important friend im far socially awkward switched schools everyone school outcast cant stand anyone there im kind lost posted hear opinions lot detail missing tried sum best could edit add suicidal thoughts nothing new feel reached tipping point