optionstldr feel like ive made enough attemptseffort justify redflag course adulthoodm reasonably underway point ive many issues stem bad back struggled depression since pretty young back injuries got worsemore severe constant pain  redflag attempts record medically one involved opiates  years ago pain killer options super limited every day filled physical pain getting bed hurts wiping ass becoming increasingly difficult continue lose range motion struggling walking more employment prospects super well either might imagine pretty substantial physical restrictions last several years ive fighting depression back pain constant doctor visits specialists diets exercise plans antidepressants sleeping pills antipsychotics physical therapy etc ive getting worse employment prospects never intimate relationshipgirlfriend point drain moms fixed income resources see cause hope situation depression much inability anything ive tried talk family friends way depth kind thing exhausted therapy options live either full dont take insurance multiple waiting listssome year nothing yet dont see day future isnt filled physical pain discomfort mention mental crap try discount mostly overemphasized constant pain last dr visit suggested start antidepressantsas lets try ones didnt work maybe will im fan redflag im less fan even  physically worthless way people cant even see made sort deal wont kill long mom alive dont want hurt like that im finding deal gets weaker day day im tired pain want end ive effectively isolated past several years point regular contact  people lately ive cutting down intentionally rude family try make less hurtful execute whichever plan appropriate time dont expect anything come post reading thinking killing themselves challenge best not try everything people tell try go hell antidepressant roulette doctors try talk friends family therapists redflag hotline forums avenue might help get well least well enough feel like ive done do two things keep going wanting hurt mom old adage always kill tomorrow