want die dont want kill myselfidk begin im chick early s intj sexually abused child bullied lot growing up consider pretty smart rather shy intense social anxiety causes talk ramble between ive never really close friends dont fit in everyone thinks pretty fucking weird ive dealing depression since  multiple redflag attempts years started cutting turned  turned tattoo addiction weird obsession gore watching live leak videos anyway people fucking suck one really honest always feel people try keep lives want something me really dont get along females pretty blunt tomboyish women seem turned intimidated idk gone five therapists years help temporarily husband veteran ptsd gotten multiple fights feel like loves constantly remember shit said me sometimes think im worst piece shit world hardcore existential crisis since last year realizing going die really fucked me fuck point this remember  like yesterday pretty soon going middle age lose parents the people really love me beloved cat everyday wake think oh great one day less alive stuck loop dont know get it feel like going think like rest life got sterilized  years ago wont kids would never want put someone pain existing constantly try better work ass off thankful good job tech going back school become programmer try help people selfless gotten trampled used try take care body eat healthy delaying inevitable dont like human condition subjected terms conditions preset life great problem solver fucking destroying way life except death dont want play sick disgusting game whatever cruel diety put us shit spinning rock planet fuck hate shit god fucking damn it