cant deal life anymorewarning past redflag attempt mention generally fucking annoying combination school living house living ptsd add making want kill myself ive wanted kill since  earliest remember clearly imagining to ive already failed redflag twice since family hides resources now theres real me im still looking it permit license yet since failed learners test first time ive constant panic state since pm yesterday almost am studying least time cant focus class fucked ptsd brain yet realistically know much better real world job fine first semester im taking two classes one person online one inpperson class keeps sending anxiety attacks late drop theres  weeks cant bring go classes necessary ive already pushed missing class much im cheating assignments get by feel pathetic also family money doubt ill able afford books even attend next semester get job know ill get job skills positive traits nothing im nothing feel pathetic went hospital help would end costing family wasted money time wish right choose die want die cant cope life tried failed again nothing going get better im almost  literally part enjoyable besides things bring life like sleep reading time felt true lightheaded relief moments second nearly successful attempt remembered absolutely nothing unsettling things happened hours after want feel like know ill never feel way without taking action come across level happinessrelief reality even way fucking care find unless end story want go happiness going back regular depression pain everything life since miserable comparison wish right choose die were going keep fucking painful horrific ways alone suicidal people get support illusion support years decades making endure therapy medications work