happy life thats im sadi dont know want life parents always wonderful trying support me even though dont lot friends especially close ones ones still nice around im middle class white guy real personality kinda drifting life real aspirations goals find self destructive practices stress thing make feel alive anymore thats probably hate myself wonderful girlfriend made wrong decisions relationship recently lost her one blame myself frankly hardest part life right living regret hold heart im college graduating degree mathematics soon degree dont even remotely care about thought crippling debt strengthens shame earning degree im even proud of truly ive thought redflag every day last  years days wake angry couldnt died sleep want kill myself dont want put effort actually go it want leave knowing leave behind take guilt shame comes losing loved one maybe dont want die wish never born all im torn whats point living things actually get better im seeing therapist end month figure hell tell get hobby focus things make happy nothing really makes happy even try reason sad sad guys