im mess needed tell someoneive wanting die since ten remember trying choke trying figure tie became teenager used take pills know much time could take it feel embarrassed good life place sleep two degrees job friends warm lovely people still feel im disappointing everyone even me im  im mess im room time work sometimes like keep quiet im lying bed pretending exist love feeling enjoy nobody notices me relief hurting time ago anxiety leave go bed able see mirror used eat dark waiting midnight go bathroom want go back dark place ive thinking lot parents use money ive saving funeral would spend money that nobody knows sad im sure makes feel worse know people im happy laugh  enough money go therapy really think fix i nothing broke life family truly rejects stuff mental health ampxb would like know happy avoid thoughts kill myself mean even good motive im sorry english first language im rambling thoughts