feeling lostthis probably end rant think need get thoughts mostly maybe someone respond something provide insight story maybe putting help understand am depression anxiety long remember ever knew either one was remember first panic attack still young enough elementary school people made uncomfortable everything still really since sometime middle school think depression really began take form wanted hurt myself pushed pencils skin tried cut protractor once plastic though told one times showed signs mind like addressed shortly never brought again even thought redflag lot remember begin really cutting point control me took away anxiety sadness felt good after even great became regular exercise long time almost daily always one could see times somewhere elsei guess wanted help none ever came parents ever saw got trouble it think around told depression like wishing wake every day respond well understand must hard kid tell you time never brought since found hard find joy happiness anything pretty detached world played video games keep occupied lived country one really around one ways forget everything started working anxiety became worse panicked states every shift dreading every time go in one thing found joy significant other feeling like someone work hard for future worth building thing made feel happy know supposed rely others happiness never happy otherwise guess bad luck well cheaters liars sometimes someone moving away hurt every time lose happiness one apologize another depression tell happy thankful were nice helpful someone else together three years outside depressed pitfalls always seemed look me learned lot could stronger thought gained self worth that last much strain made us little patience one another old wounds heal felt best go separate ways good terms guess still talk time time met someone else really great ended too go details one ended left hollow ive ever been couple years ago now things progressed wonder still worth here feel like life nothing uphill battle fighting months years grief pain mere moments happiness incredibly crushing look around wonder anyone really happy idea happiness child even possible always managed handle things never taken medication gone therapy late things taken dark turn mind usual almost obsessed levels suicidal thoughts sure would something sure wanted went therapy session available free work gave general tips picked told needed something long term suicidal thoughts left yet think almost non stop years without cutting again frustrated current love interest distant seemed uninterested combined bad day work depressed state turned anger unable find razor became frustrated dull blades available something never before took pills plan dying sure enough want feel anything anymore enough feel pretty messed though took went bed time after side note rarely drink been drunk twice life never smoke woke ten hours later surprised effects worn yet shakey sweating dizzy time work againpart wish woken up went car stop end driveway get throw up made work people commented pale kept throwing going home fine within next day though despite happened feel less desire end things worried thought making it regrets didnt if happens happens still stuck even guess losti overwhelming desire die want hurt anymore feel hopeless worthless feel like continuing exist worth trouble think hard happy maybe im weak feel like meaningful connections people would hurt killed myself know main reason before know alternative even want try want happy im sure even possible know cant keep going like this know find way happy ill finish things sooner later friends seem understand tell feel guilty burden everything want go parents never close trust judgement understanding this professional help hard convince go to talking someone possible medical bills admitted deemed hazardous myselfit seems like would make things stressful worth getting help even want get help thought leaving taking savings going without word anyone know would go would happen scares too feel like anything mistake im trapped life misery despite friends family feel alone cared loved guess thats significant makes happy guess thats wrong like that cant find anything else does anything would content unrealistic guess want much know live clear path seems like redflag one know outcome of far looks like better option thoughts  pm figure could dead month half anyone would realize happened work would notice would probably think decided stop coming in one would look past text message think rent far enough behind think finally would open place up every time try opening someone feel like finally connection realize really care me realize alone am really hate world hate nothing trudging forward hoping things get better every day filled pain loneliness heartache terrible everyone seems like people accept fact move on cant accept this cant continue enduring weeks months bitter existence hopes meager fleeting happiness living dying inside day day