death guiltwe lost family friend cancer hes sick deteriorating while similarly grandpa passed earlier year watched weeks go coherent incoherent barely last hours watched bottom feet turn purple slowly complexion turned yellow last breath inconsistent shallow definitely traumatized me tried use image experience light life torch march im still really deep hole really feel like prisoner mind today hear family friend went similar way feel like wasted life like waste space fun life fun think hope gets fun relatively soon want live like long im really trying hard get better eyes heavy even often fake smile anymore whats wrong me know going comment theres nothing wrong me clearly be somethings wrong brain nobody cares believes me people think create misery ive lot trauma think ive lost little natural resilience lifes unpredictable events im scared die alone want to hope yall okay tonight still breathing