know feelmy antidepressants make feel good stop wanting kill constantly friends theyre closer eachother me feel like im kinda observing case far remember friend groups enjoy parts life still love playing dog watching movies chess dad lately depression fucking horrible ex left  months ago distant months worst possible time octoberdecember hardest part year mom passed would always lot shit around time worst part objectively life good family loves me things enjoy reason feel way compared ive seen here life perfect makes feel guilty feeling feel even know wanna kill myself wish ever born could cease existence memory me least things get better shitty cycle wanna happy without gnawing thought back mind everything is existence meaningless were less billionth billionth billionth billionth universe nothing matter long run wash away hate knowing nothing matters wanna give say fuck worry things feel like cause feel worse bad people care about sorry rant im even sure place post this know need help