going kill tomorrowall hope gone pain unbearable kind pain cant describe am laying warm bed satiated responsiblities tomorrow mostly alone groups friends still much pain whats painful everything tried answer questions around  years really know answer know whats bothering know hurt much cant handle pain like people last straw going psychiatrist tried  years ago brintelix seroxat honestly sometimes feel like meds help suicidal thoughts always come backeven meds ive suicidal thoughts since primary school always thought things would different continued living parents grandfather grandfather good person overall person liked matter what proud me died cancer  months ago think better place happy life either whole life tried nice people tried improving myself satisfied become never satisfied myself honestly many things wrong even bother writing them mostly feel like people like me love me nice friend always everything help anyone want something people makes feel good gives purpose live good student primary school highschool things like myself know hurt parents cant stand pain anymore sorry enjoy things enjoy waking morning like faculty enrolled cant find satisfaction things even good enough things example little really enjoyed playing soccer tried playing it since good kids people would angry me liked playing video games quite good them lost interest cut life cuz school responsibilites crushes life never liked back go sometimes friends sometimes fun fun hold around last thing really broke last crush  crushes life ive never though much never loved never spent much time them last one different first time saw attracted looks anything even thinking her year hanging started studying together spending much time other got know better realised liked looks also know how happend liked spending time her exact opposite kind like role model me good people always finds positive things everyone tell everything think tried suppresing love  years hanging told liked romanticaly wanted stay friends day hard would like around time even though likes likes people more know everyone goes unrequited love hurts much cant deal it also saw hard told need find someone else like others much tried find somebody else everyone including her told right thing do found girls chatted also saw liked spending time me also like romanticaly fine hurt much even felt good tried something saw atleast liked friend girls asked always come chat whenever see me every day find hating good enough crush also nightmares every night sleep well all also read physical activity helps problems try run every day bed help thinking throwing building high builidng really hard access town even went it now bought gun probably shoot head life much me know change head dont strenght anymore cant go on cant stop thinking her cant stop thinking bad things sorry