need adviceapologies advance long ampxb so think need advice urgently ampxb planning commiting redflag today almost everything set ready go supposed final and important thing needed attempted became violently ill unable due severe lack sleep food passed seemed window opportunity closed ampxb im really bad shape mentally guess point physically suffer ptsdcptsd utterly consumed life almost every waking moment spiraling nightmare paranoia terror hate even saying that feel like liar feel vile pathetic way am bad cant keep going like this ampxb whats stopped killing fact affairs order even close do even im unable die now next spiral ill one last thing take care way cant even imagine getting there cant imagine getting walking room interacting roommates nothing different go work excuse missed today act nothing changed ampxb another thing im fight roommates speak were speaking were fighting something cant cant explain cant open im longer see react terrified literally reaction could possibly have want horrified sad want angry me anything im terrified past repeat theyll treat contempt scorn theyll tell im suffering none real im pathetic baby needs get it im terrified theyll angry tell felt way want tell them want find out ampxb leave me cant leave go settle final obstacle finally die cant get next morning go work interact nothing wrong dont know current physical state would allow that even cant bear tell roommates faces whats happening me call emergency services itll obviously leave roommates shocked confused without answers itll saddle hospital bill cannot pay poor uninsured fuck state lack medicaid expansion going hospital might make so much worse ive traumatized hospitalsnursesdoctors past last time hospitalized offered support kicked soon possible homeless money ampxb even know theres good advice me going sit utterly paralyzed until until even know thoughts anything im sorry long