im partially redflag also may hurt others others may hurt whats righthonestly last year life living hell also eyeopening year ago suddenly began develop seemingly arbitrary anxiety attacks nothing traumatic happened nothing major changed life  heart rate randomly started spiking  bpm im things like sitting watching videos suffering anxiety attacks  times week reached breaking point literally ready kill take others me period suffering met girl first seemed like ideal girl things quickly went south bpd started getting way insecurities something deal with overtime went depressed feeling hopeless entire situation angry understand happening me otherwise normal guy mids disease began manifesting apparent reason finished done for wanted kill go bang wanted take others me dialed redflag helpline spoke somebody hour straight end call anxiety attack manifested called  seems millionth time take anymore mind racing heart pumping faster ever has feeling weak dizzy took tests gave medicine everything could think ive er anybody active subreddit combined its anxiety get it heres xanax ssris take get better you need see psychologist did get better planned redflag smallest details nobody knew even her then day clarity anxiety dissipated felt ok one day wonderful great sleep wake up feel better take shower eat normally triggered now everything fine another day anxiety continued live day by day delayed redflag one day then one day then one day two weeks passed blissful normalcy then started hallucinating started hear voices one day started see lights started see shadows surrounding me everything got darker nearly passed street called ambulance checked er nothing wrong anxiety its anxiety no isnt cant be something must wrong voices hallucinations colors darkness im schizophrenic be told needed fight disease im good it cant schizophrenia cant filtered voices head used everything willpower bring normalcy one time fast voices hallucinations came left months since may reading thinking im crazy crazy broad term me feel like either crazy not think spectrum people crazy others may labelled crazy think crazy think im crazy now no anxiety sure driving crazy months passed girlfriends bpd seemingly started get worse seemingly got better used money worked downpayment nice car ive living life way ive wanted to listen others whatever fuck want want drive sushi restaurant order much food take go bet ass do want speed residential streets narrowly avoid cops sure fucking do im control life ive always control life control slipped last couple months did almost terrible things know man id appear news stations guaranteed better now im normal again started taking road trips girlfriend friends absolute blast loved every single minute it then girlfriend shittest me asked watch porn said yes ever since then insecurity grown massively even attempted redflag willing compromise her wanted straight stop watching porn wouldnt initially going talk fueled anger made vile human thats wanting selfishly kill decided stop texted girlfriend right broke terrible way possible im emotionally hurting much right now want might kill cant fucking handle anymore great time loved much im fucking crying much feel pathetic it maybe needed ive never felt sad before feels wonderful cry finally feel something