really know start right one talk toi think going turn wall text please forgive me really know start guess starting feel helpless right shall work due lot circumstances come last months really feel like shell used be lost friends best friend girl loved got girl pregnant things gone downhill there originally held hope girl loved would able forgive happening really done worst thing possible caused feel unwanted me never dating girl reasons met friend dumping horrible way wanted make sure would ok became great friends really things going great went planned trip chicago  week got back listen warnings get detail recurring theme would treat horribly would break would comfort would get back him happened many times past  years happened worse felt useless felt overall one time girl really liked hit really think get back lindsay that name way left sidelines several times past like even there hard typing box doesnt feel like talking someone things arent coming way would want wont go back fix them anyway june  house one could stay anymore aunt mom screaming every night sleeping car friends mom offered let stay free hour away stayed ended sex friend ended getting pregnant really long story whats done done go that like said earlier though really holding onto thought lindsay would forgive this could date really hate it seemed pretty monotone told seem upset really learned later though back ex felt completely helpless lost hold deepest hatred man dating room without thinking much hate every fiber being done many bad things lindsay forgives everything every single time even mother knows things done forgives him rape anything like that stole every penny owned dating year never bought single present never took single date except first day went out spent every penny stole buy drugs party friends whole year stole every penny mom bills came broke mom went k debt verbally abused back together make feel like whore many things like forgave every time feel like words spoke comfort things wasted think feel even worse back him tried continue including life inviting little events like band competitions chorus recitals every time couldnt enjoy it hated every second there new years day got worst news ever gotten engaged married immediately depressed ever life even found going father choice even treated like dirt kid felt useless still feel useless find job pay child support live jobs one know english spanish it already thought maybe join navy order pay child would also mean leaving everyone behind even her wasnt something thought could do done though sent lindsay message telling deal anymore through told deal decided could remain friends anymore would completely distancing every time talked hurt knowing him girl best friend girl loved moment felt loss ever before know month since months every time laid sleep spend hours thinking ruined everything could think her forgotten new years night anniversary met night engagement extremely depressed was able think every night month girl last night vivid dream talking ever really getting me think everything life feel hopeless ever life getting worse really suicidal know go right sympathize option escape easy redflag keeps coming mind every step way though thing really makes feel worse worse every time think it sorry wall text know people say get girl stupid enough get back ex like that know things could worse first girl ever showed human affection is met never felt thing living without hurts thing regret miss feeling holding someone feeling falling asleep someone arms crying thinking it sorry wall text felt helpless know anymore