ai really hard time around people ive always quiet especially people know well feel like gotten worse years sensation observed considered people know well think tires much stay inside time avoid much human contact possible get almost joy anything do fleeting feeling im depressed time cant even imagine possible scenario able support way lead killing months worked super market  independent study highschool took much interact many people daily basis things required spent money earned second got way could justify forcing go work quit month two one day manager told greet people enough stand front door greet every customer came half hour told time quit called work told quit worked construction friend mothers month highschool planned earning enough money pay year language school japan one things sounded interesting me little bit better working supermarket felt place mentally draining there way going able entire year pay trip put request information marine corps website day got call recruiter next day lunch break job site agreed go work that gave boss two weeks notice said come want anymore long process actually get military start paperwork took year total actually go bootcamp since get waiver eczema have took asvab got  said qualified every job going take anything infantry told much started going training sessions recruiting office year later im bootcamp hating life everyone hates life bootcamp really unexpected go school infantry hate life too graduate   weeks training  weeks guard night shift walking around dark hiding porta shitters trying freeze death especially cold days time got call mom stepfather month went vaction hawaii week came back dog gone lived california suburbs two years took country stay us new stepfathers loved dog person ever known never really able forgive mother leaving caring enough put daycare week never told though suffered loss silence went recon training month graduating dropped buddy told going quit convince otherwise wasted away holding company couple weeks fleet went got sent unit buddy got put different platoons basically never anything together again think bothered much really disappointing me hated pretty much everything fleet nothing common peers got punished time things do things people nothing us did seniors barely older us year longer liked treat us awfully deployment already played around dirt exact things somewhere else instead thought killing many times throughout life point never attempted anything already plans fail hating existence much did see way could manage another  years knew nothing afterward tried shoot head one ranges lot harder pull trigger hoped going be bunch people care trying talk it well one old squad leaders thought okay really fair people start talking situation like that much wanted to thought would really rude coat brain matter middle trying talk me eventually someone snuck took gun removing glove thinking might well feel sensation pulling trigger shooting head since last thing im ever going do spent next  days psych ward started long process getting administratively separated spent last months bouncing appointments nothing lost mind broke hand concrete wall  days supposed separated got sent psych ward another week finally got separated day released im back home taking community college courses still cant see anything could ever imagine doing going class makes depressed nervous possibility group work interact people skipped class today since muster motivation go going kill myself know exactly im capable im required live almost joy life minimal responsibilities depress end path sustain capable frankly reason to people miss me gives mental distress im going guilted living cant force live rest life depression severe life meaningless spend every moment consciousness wishing never born know im posting whether delete later want sympathy life hardly awful really know else do