want out feelings coming backhello everyone know name justin vent family treated nicely past couple years able handle heartache stress caused me started  loving carefree family mom got addicted prescription medication went hell pretty quickly mom got super addicted them started stealing them using dads credit cards believe  maxed forced bankruptcy used money ever had going high school time beaten mom emotionally abused told oh cant tell anyone take away oh want put jail keep straight face go school like nothing ever wrong keep bottled up hidden inside like dirty secret met would shocked thinking truly normal family normal family monster secrets though normal routine high school same get get dressed get yelled beaten go school sat  hours trying make good grades trying listen teacher thoughts god want go home today gonna find overdosed floor get home got home shed asleep would cook clean psychically take bed drugged rinse repeat dad back watching tv ignoring me ignoring situation anyone talked would fighting yelling done everyday day long every high school year age  present remember finally broke down weekend gone per usual buying drugs  year old kid trying damnedest make happy cleaning entire house cooking big meal waiting dinner time come around started cooking thinking perfect time done made happy made love this well got half way cooking accidentally spilled went got burned remember snapped inside started crying floor mental wreck saying freak freak god ever deserve even though looking back fault instant got right back dried tears fixed entire dinner second time got home right appreciate it love dinner took long preparing trying make happy said nothing house said would better cooked dinner end rope trust broken selfesteem shattered everywhere left broken remain former self next day panic attack panic attacks whole week assuming dying watched laughed criticized saying faking get outta school started cutting felt human control darkness creeped behind though start feeling suicidal way out day shoes like currently still like  years old graduated high school take get permit go job interviews broken wreck  year period self harmed started again  days clean today but feel like things going dark going numb cold monster inside like slowly going insane sad really know whats happening know insane crazy making dream like knowing theres going wreck happens suicidal thoughts back want confide friend jeff loving caring knows situation know self harm  suicidal thoughts worried scare him let know guys girls think know long ass post get out appreciate read it