broken memoriesive always broken often wonder mother aborted me always stated almost learned her sometimes makes wonder let neighbors rape  purpose horrible things happened child  years ago real memories dark thoughts invade head lights see open closet door remember later school pe teacher watched change asked shower others run laps time out office remember happened twice told touched would friend carlos kill sleep thank god never found never knew carlos anyone willing commit murder matter remember best friend asking out getting mad told no remember doctor said miscarried remember able accept creating persona unborn child keep losing more remember many times ive told family want die remember telling suck up remember mom telling stop threatening it remember wanted say ok remember moment realized different remember learning word changed way parents looked me remember day realized man womans body remember feeling love anyone including myself remember feels like happy remember feels like someone cares want remember anything anymore want memories want finally put knife wrist watch life fade away nothing always been