desperate anything help mei used hopeful shell myself feel hollowness inside body disgustingly strong disconnect world tried make feel urges less spending time mother grandmother apathetic everything relationships slipping away concept future think belong planet ive therapy long depressive episodes keep getting severe want keep going pain feel like losing myself anxious depressive fearful become anything useful taken care me want hurt id lying act like burden dead weight keeps able live want wish family could better daughter me sorry them want better willing try anything pay everyone back burdens created know keep though