cant end all im hugely tempted being kind cruel worldtldr nice girl life severely depressed due family history it bullied childhood school experience grew dating losers  one divorced married mistress another gave permanent sti hate life want disappear sorry repost rdepression subreddit reason moderators may thought original title graphic guess and sorry long alot pain inside me thanks advance reading ive severely depressed suicidal since   family blood tons aunts cousins like me desiring redflag depressed couch time etc personal experience derived shy kind nice girl beginning never able shake it typical nerd experience openly talked try ignore play smiling like everything okay fight bullies make leave alone always seen awkward hung back school teachers classroom etc really made even harder actually pretty girl tall about  mom made sure always dressed nice hair done girls couldnt afford get nice clothes hair done would put daily hated confrontation id whole smiling laughing thing avoid another fight  already since elementary  though mom kept looking nice loves dearly also shaped clone strict grandmother her could barely go out ask basically scolded so shed always say hours later would say yes hated that mind fk one sleepover junior high school mom dad cussed like sailor made clean house spotless something horribly wrong guess happy afterwards since sleepover sucked friends assholes night anyways strict upbringing inherited shyness emotional instability lead pretty damned awkward life conceited anything people always told smart good looking potential never saw late thirties really middle high school boys liked approached me shy would give aloof bitchy vibe guys ended hating me treating like crap mean like that anything extremely lonely relationship is started dating older teenager lonely desperate find love like id seen disney movies saved bell id date losers settled awkwardly nerdy weird thought theyd easier milder deal with boy wrong first met exhusband thought looked really unattractive plus smart ass mouth let grow wanted someone seemed head heels me gave  years life birth son lessened sex drive dumped mistress work married rather quickly didnt even let ink dry divorce papers knew nothing weeks signed papers whats even worse nice ass agreed  custody son dad life think id actually say yes  knew whore wife going sons stepmom late im wallowing misery  divorce process now ive boyfriend whos truck driver also nerdy used alot fun loves hes also made feel like depressed zombie past  years why hes always road cant see  times week plus push enough make things better also divorcee much baggage cant get life straight damned naive beginning relationship didnt see baggage start looked love fact said wanted marry me mind wasnt proposal anything said super early made hang on hung despite jerkish things hes done texted half naked pic us coworker brag says friend turn forwarded entire jerkish coworkers etc got arrested almost jail time fighting guy who later found first blow anger kept putting meeting family since many girlfriends past nt last said and coup de grand he gave sti recently found high risk know high risk meaning possibly cause cancer later on kind cant get rid of lays dormant body never know ever come back plus surgery weeks get rid precancerous cells caused me love life over relationship really crap now even find someone else hear theyll dump sure im  pounds overweight depressed barely clean house shower wash hair smoke weed zone pass time make painful memories go away boyfriend says loves endlessly surgery im getting support sweetness need right now hes gone time real relationship anyways also think im still prince charming fantasy head expecting guys loving sweet reality jerksno offense nice guys there think younger went geeks weirdos figured theyd easier would appreciate more overly forgiving giving many chances aholes pretty much ruined life plus miss son dearly hes gone im alone time wish could put coma every time leaves me reawakened comes back brings wonderful beam light joy heart hes live for dont even think safe get another relationship ever again im trying accept im awkward different really someone hard give hope dont think im horrible person rather feel im nice person rest world cant handle that handle it take advantage naivety ignorance im used up im stuck horrible life miserable afraid even reach world anymore ill end bible verse received today therefore gods chosen ones holy loved put heartfelt compassionkindness humility gentleness patience  colossians  that description pretty much nutshell cant help way look ruined life  tears