jonghyunin december singer closely following years committed redflag name kim jonghyun  years old left behind  band members performing almost ten years since then able listen music without crying removed songs library hid away merchandise try think anything related him yesterday band part resumed tour schedule without him used recorded track voice put empty microphone stand onstage would been placing roses end concert weeks this record company posthumously released solo album working on along music video seeing face hearing voice surreal almost forgot told true remembered seeing videos funeral watching one band member stop break tears procession another pulled hug dead look eyes remembered learning reactions heard news one passed crying one laid sobbing floor several hours one locked room days last member one could bear going see body remembered seeing fans hold memorial events around world hearing crying sang one songs remembered sister telling instance got drunk asked happy broke saying i want happy too feel like im overdramatic never even knew personally yet death affecting life many ways feel pathetic strongly impacted life time suicidal urges already fairly strong hearing news seemed amplify all initially first feeling experiencing envy attempt successful i hand suicidal around  years even able attempt feel like coward made out im scared even try im sorry long even directly myself miss him im sad committed redflag respect individual decision take control life however chooses wish it understand it knowing pain blame wanting end all breaks heart hearing suffering wish could found happiness ive struggling issue many years now feel things getting worse worse time goes on feel like im getting close giving up although ill likely even try anything im scared might happen fail im tired sad want happy too