want write somethingi need write something guess add anxiety bipolar disorder im poor get help medication it moment im working  hours week living really shitty apartment days feel amazing motivated actually wanting things low days im like this im thinking getting second job could get problem feeling would make low periods even worse ive suicidal ideation  years now thats really noticed depression kicking in ive one redflag attempt took gamble took  mg xanax  shots whiskey sure enough kill me also left chance after research now think  mg xanax nothing this wrote journal document whatever feeling  hours woke found written lot remembered took sign supposed really entertained idea since lived feel like im supposed here why skills im unmotivated thing want life sit listen music famous making music know possible much want believe talent anything like that ive thinking focusing going back school position medical field also know im smart enough it seems like two things want life unobtainable im good making maintaining relationships made friend years friends high school theyre like me aspirations succeed were wasting away want that want anything less someone great know am want live someone average dreams seem impossible achieve am im also gay hate that wish woman im not constantly struggle identity every day days feel content days love myself days hate myself im fucking tired consistent view things im flighty cant commit anything feel like ill never get anywhere life ill live life deadend job depresses me dont cant live like forever im almost set that im successful road success  im going kill myself feel like want live time im tired trying things disappointed myself im tired wish someone greater am not