im afraid ive finally fallen fari plan anything thinking becoming common things impossibly difficult nothing seems change situation ive never attempted redflag even really threatened feel like nothing stop now grew impoverished abusive addicted home beaten pretty regularly emotionally manipulated constantly left broken mess adult ive failed succeeded still kept pushing along thought maybe could make life bad took twice long peers eventually finished college even grad school relationships made friends scored jobs nothing lasted know get close people craved family so mids decided move guy thought could love would love me gave everything including job car house friends family eventually savings moved across country work within first week knew something wrong turns dude pretty abusive behind closed doors immediately collapsed froze last  years access medical care healthy environment finally fought hard go doctor found kidney disease bunch problems two molars broken half painful able walk feet time since shoved ground  years ago body weak mind following path used think could survive regardless tossed way thought resourceful resilient tough know now im feel detaching need stay planet kids coworkers friends much family anyone would miss cats dad support financially correction supported financially money ran out last year many family members died im two blood relatives beyond distant cousins make home funerals cant break free here completely unattached negative self talk swarms every perception attempt understanding im innocent im victim made choice stay could left physically emotionally paralyzed cant now though thats thinking redflag think peace come im gone let leave really place go even cut loose need him shitty is shitty makes me one else right now so im here im thankful theres place write down slept today want bad sad brain want die still want family love still want career volunteer pretty sure theres much damage now even got out would take years fix me one last thing night wonderful dreams normally nightmares dreams filled vacations old friends new beginning romance someone actually treated well conversation mom always sight dreams since died last year woke feeling wonderful able sleep since im afraid nightmares take happy feelings im fiercely protective first time felt loved long thank listening im sorry many hurting too could take away would you figure im going anyway might well good way out actually reminds first time considered redflag even word it remember praying god st grade would take heaven bring another little girl back family died cancer made everyone sad seemed like loved loved family sick problems abuse severe  begged god barter thought better outcome everyone guess road ive along fighting  years make much difference it so im safe now plans means really exhausted life im feeling burden every bad choice ive ever made drowning even though feet firmly planted land know dig out dark theres legitimately one could ask rope again thanks take care