want stop drinking time want stopi lost best friend reality had talked family long time interest reconnect messy childhood friends think made codependent first week long time text theres one im looking new friend no anyway ex best friend said want friend anymore much piece shit become drink said verbally abusive see am get drunk sometimes hate almost much hate myself  hate life choices im always bad guy feel like better met her time different way better now like emotionally better image lifestyle better now feel im ranting im sorry know ive felt hopeless before ive never lonely before feeling mean ive driven across many state city town village before alone ive never truly alone maybe thats im writing post feel alone know ampxb want kill myself time dont thats fear comes next im scared process no want quick gun ive never fan them im highest floor apartment think jump kill me luxury crashing car going hope car hits me might survive that want quick way out one alcohol maybe ill get courage figure way out ampxb sorry waste time