im attractive trilingual university student studying computer science highly competitive university whos planning kill reach i still remember mother told self harm scars arms disgusting cut somewhere else nobody see happened around  one worst depressive states middle school since brought claimed recollection saying dont remember bad things acknowledge mother issues due strict upbringing  grew daughter chinese family pressured first everything including academically  chose move another country get away family mid s mother always alcoholic possessed anger management issues ever since remember also admitted married father societal pressures never loved him childhood years father used absent long periods time due work economic crisis led declared bankrupt home lot thats arguments began used fight everyday still remember one day usual shouting escalated throwing things take younger sister bedroom play guitar singing pretend everything fine mother also projected anger me would get shouted at hairpulled dragged lot smallest things incident still remember forgot laundry one day threw detergent water face treats sister differently always knew younger sister favourite dont blame neither  fact im happy sister treated way am one subjected experiences still hurts never physically abused mother sister mother take us promised dinner night started arguing mother told sister hit belt thats happened sister apologized afterwards never brought again unlike many times mother brought past arguments saying selfish ungrateful was also bullied middle school looks half chinese generally sociallyawkward kid  due family background dont remember exactly started selfharming amidst school family troubles truly say however unhealthy coping mechanism was helped survive lot things im mostly clean still occasional relapses carry remorseful thoughts towards mother middle school bullies anymore want accept impacted person continue die scars remind everyday im s studying computer science highlycompetitive university  arguable toprated uni nation dont particular interests chose field money parents got separated right entering uni live mother anger issues gotten better doesnt physically hurt now truth told still always feel lost deep inside like helpless little girl despite friends telling im pretty confident smart friendly bright future ahead anxietydepression meds almost three years help constant thought wanting die never left me im planning kill clear familys debt amass enough fortune live comfortable life pass idk im typing now feels nicer let out sorry grammatical mistakes since im native speaker thank reading rant wish great day