dont know anymoreive struggling eating disorder nearly two decades always bulimia anorexia keep telling weigh much die cant get thoughts stop weeks ago drunk exfriend we dated couple months  friends since pick apparently took bunch pills nearly called rescue carried inside house instead blacked completely begged call figured theyd transfer er used work im engaged cant get excited wedding cant get excited anything love fianc know do cant feel it cant feel anything work mental health myself substance abuse specifically feel like theres nothing without running clients anywhere may even want go im sure want go anywhere ive meds bipolar ii since  immensely helpful would hospital even anyway there done that didnt quite help physically hard impossible cry ive started restarted note several times im terrified death causes panic attacks somehow im incredibly dark hopeless place dont know do needed get out guess