 fulfilled life want outhi all wanted come share slice wonderful hellscape call life im subreddit ive fantasised pondered killing multiple times throughout life last days probably intense yet tried kill  times issues pretty complex guess im really good cloaking mental health word use describe exactly im feeling life exhausted im recent graduate degree music production so useful struggled lot mental health university uni developed epilepsy brought anxiety sleep deprivation diagnosis fucked me began live life completely opposite doctors telling me wreckless drugs alcohol dangerous situations wanted closer closer death sort like game me spending lockdown own spending thousands pounds not even money drugs give escape depression anxiety even worse live home dad makes suicidal thoughts increase tenfold feel absolutely worthless like old paper  note bit worth couple years ago useless currently still want die set various dates ways go ill never know im moment gives chance step back think lil bit thanks reading got far