alone need helpi see things there miss dead dad dead  nowhere miss dead cat blame seeing sick early enough save him abused years sometimes think universe telling things sometimes good sometimes bad thought radio told cut last thursday did ive cutting  years idea stop abuse medication almost matter psych put many know really feel world psychiatrist one area seeing new patients talk abuse thinks misery dad dying half session dad overcome illness too whee husband lost job got another time did whole lives changed second last semester grad school starts next week drive three hours total work three hours anything work feel overwhelmed unable focus started taking adderall hands feet always hurt literally backs alignment something weird iono burn inside out take  mg gabapentin  mg tramadol day manage it still there much less without it could work go school used bad even hold book open also get migraines lot them weekly diagnosis were treating symptoms means cure now theres clonazepam effexor risperidone im still depressed anxious hallucinating though fairly high doses dont work nightmares mom kills repeatedly right telling fault nightmares dad sells sex slavery laughs rape nightmares like every night multiples wake already miserable crystal clear want spend rest life pain grief hurt much know deal stopped eating havent stopped treadmill clears head little bit want die want live either need help currently completely alone right now psych cant see me trust either