shell alivei struggling stay alive even writing exhausting feel numb emotional agony time emptiness inside nothing seems fill look people feel apart them going motions life im really dead thing goes around head thought terminating life shell really plan worked warned people closest me tried  times know need do sought medical attention doctor referring psychiatrist waiting list another service ive  years intensive therapy since breakdown  diagnosed borderline personality disorder well treatment made significant difference mental health realised traumatic childhood significantly damaged me life ok husband loves much  year old daughter strong network support people really care me matter say feel unworthy anyones love respect long time viewed disgusting blob human flesh burden society cant work days getting washing done major achievement sleep least  hours day find difficult function sometimes apparently sleep way disassociating world cant face life anymore cut social circle people avoid friends completely shut out thing forcing stay alive daughter suffered separation anxiety ever since saw police paramedics escort away breakdown  adhd goes counselling it told counsellor often checks pulse asleep main concern might die god child know do tried many things want destroy her know supposed get better control brain think one day soon may take life deliberately means get away agonising emotional pain in