year half awayeveryday im tell worth it one day closer ill finally able move out still cant help thoughts feel guilty publishing here feel ashamed complaining life know theres people struggle much me recently getting difficult need advice suicidal thoughts since even knew redflag was remember fourth grade told teacher wanted die end it parents going rough time constantly fighting drinking screaming suffer horrible anxiety cant order food restaurant hate using blowdryer cant even stand listening music loud im horrified loud noises talked to screaming really took tole me long time since fourth grade incident divorce took many years settle gotten worse mom bipolar disorder refuses take medication one second happy instant im worst child ever im selfish im sensitive im lazy pig work try hardest im full time student backtalk drugs fight know else do currently live want desperately move father willing get treatment help hes gotten much better person hes gotten help issues started becoming independent sober says loves cares me yell scream talks need it many things could say accomplishments theyre polar opposites mom cant leave mom nice amazing fits come one second tells much mean her destroys it talks me wants perfect isolates friends approve talk people neo nazi cant mixed friends black friends forget hispanics asians ethnicity bleached hate it love everyone im even biracial relationship ive hide year cultures new things ive learned breathtaking beautiful love races wish could myself controlling might sound stupid much serious anyone believes writing messy unorganized feel useless asked recently help step dad gotten fights it said let scream me thats happened no magic pill going fix you youre selfish know pain is go africa see real pain is i care cry room night youre sensitive just stop anxiety stupid shit talk me talk fix problems all automatically starts screaming hours later swollen eyes face flushed acts like nothing happens makes jokes acts happy okay again cycle want end badly want hurt hurting know im ready leave world know cannot hurt ones truly love hurt bad this tip iceberg theres much one knows about know emotional abuse is want label it summary tell im ugly im fat im useless no one loves fat girl every time eat things ive told multiple times stick cant socialize hard talk people hard love ive treated horribly nightmares wet bed hyperventilate go gatherings im wrecked know do even know right place talk it want stress anyone out apologize ahead time occur hurt