single  suicidal thoughts since  feel end coming soon work good job apartment car also travel regularly also friends also motivation make friends meet women recently started paying cremationno viewing memorial funeral home disposing ashes also moved shitty apartment e decent one quit drinking sought professional help anything therapists said goes one ear other sick you alone there help know want help waiting pay cremation right going motions making look like putting effort reality mind already made up final purchase  gauge using myself reason buy tempted use it well planned suicide