 sucki loss right go help never one therapy ive tried always end quitting also im pretty sure thats option right everything shut down tried sign online counseling today  month insane need get feelings somewhere feel like burden going family friends experienced anxiety long remember even child depression along probably started  medication since then  years old nurse even pandemic struggled days job often work  hours days week hard spend day caring people yet energy seems get used trying get day day routine come home pm shower eat work am another   hours always exhausted even dont feel super depressed exhausted turn makes depressed feel like dont enough energy get day day tasks turn revs anxietyits vicious cycle top boyfriend  years broke days ago ive quarantined home possible covid loved much still do strained many family relationships also lost friendships time several reasons went drinks friends really anywhere matter always issue always ended phone whole time messaging knew wasnt talking guys etc always ended fight ended starting ditch plans friends last minute go friends family members all life consisted going work home   times week polyamarouswhich relationship open end another partner kids another child outside relationship allowed around children partner really completly ok polyamarous daughters mother didnt want cause issues basically big clusterfuck would get one child every weekend weekend work wouldve absolutely loved spent time daughter allowed felt like went anywhere always punished fight argument accusation cheating know toxic unhealthy relationship self esteem took major toll time probably never greatest begin really made much worse repeatedly told one else would ever want me fuck me nothing that ive started believe it ive delete guys social media even coworkers knew amount friends facebook times made new friend would get accusations cheating needed attention guys give enough visible snapchats map times wasnt accused cheating him remember phone died grocery store panic attack knew wouldnt show map phone going come that sickening feeling reading im typing knowing close friend family member hell anybody would tell run far far away clearly abusive relationship would fight would make would sweetest person say sweetest things treat like person ever existed even aside emotional abuse understood level cant really explain dont know ill ever experience again top suffering anxiety depression dealing aftermath sucks suicidal thoughts constantly week even wrote letter family dont think really want die dont want feel way anymore hate feeling control emotions hate struggle much make day day life know get better also know get bad again know nothing good time wish could find happy medium also dont think know happy outside relationship happy myself im looking answers maybe someone insight advice wants talk etc