every reason happy im notive always naturally smart know bright future cant pull together lately laziness symptom depression know procrastinate feel guilty feedback loop parents im child im starting care less less financially were terribly well off crater marriage intact mostly me mom want grow without dad still think clean water food money consume throughout hypothetical full life worth could possibly contribute motivated anyone social anxiety cant real conversation anyone every time open someone never works out either take granted make joke it leave me ive sleeping  hours every night skipping breakfast every day grades getting worse cant seem snap it cant bring care things like used to death obsession cant stop researching methods degree pain fatality rate stories redflag impossible look tall building without speculating think would say loved ones deed much haunts dreams thought many potential death plans cant keep count many instances hypnotized car headlights ive even gotten middle streets running last possible second every time run over parents would much better pay college ive give passions music sports grades end even grades shit now since siblings succeed thats fucking it worst all overarching meaninglessness everything everyone else does sun decay none this mattered part thinks world would better everyone committed redflag right now all humans done earth bad god real im going hell heaven im going decompose im fucking afraid mother told aborted me could right it im gonna pussy ill once ill right look forward aftermath anticipate most although forget in most month entirety was peace