im getting every day redflag seems pretty appealing compared going  timesthats life expectancy im  basically relationships outside family family loves much enough me feel guilty greedy read peoples posts lost love life got abused traumatized money etc meanwhile real problem im scared social interaction last week talked girl found attractive gave number texted day stopped responding rejection crushed me people tell im young whole future ahead me feel young friends years younger meaningful romantic relationships cant get girl talk  hours im immediate danger killing myself think every day think shooting back throat hopefully destroy brain stem think hand could jerk maybe turn living shell brain dead tormenting family even worse successful killing outright think avoid building guillotine severing head body entirely would likely kill me think future want weekend think this im still far away acting it ive drifting direction long long time need change course may well end up