m  hopelesseveryone around says theres hope  loving parents friends girlfriend doctors etc feel like see am outside seem relatively normal sense college degree which hate working average job appeal me do went bought gaming pc hopefully make living streaming videogames gonna lie get good head high imagining famous streamer ive highs emotions mixing alter egos since young age confidence issues anything really realize ive spent majority life isolation judging people do joined best fraternity could college never saw good enough everyone else keep touch one person it worked accounting job appreciated burned three months work started piling up would always comparing smartest guy office got tired asking help  one fair even though always nice polite two hurt ego understand shit im going self diagnose narcissistic borderline traits fragile ego a random kid could insult would trigger extreme anxiety fear abandonment extreme ocd hell broke girlfriend got back together next day remember telling loved day started dating freaked out  years later see thats issue great every way lot physical attraction gone find bored girlfriend try super hard get her stopped hanging friends spend time her realize huge mistake recurring theme  regardless im with feel empty inside like im never enough feel like kid never grew up view life balancing act others better me trouble learning new things generally unless make feel superior way realize now sucks cycle values  days wanna eat meat days view morally wrong loving support group seem me part wants end life seriously mess up point know depression anxiety