make changei wake every morning dreaming death hate myself bully miserable become alcoholic cope negative feelings stay drinking want alone want sleep means wake alone again pushed away everyone good life surrounded alcoholics hide family feel much shame run  credit card debt longer stop spending hundreds dollars every week buying others drinks also work bartender got shitfaced working last night lucky still job cope work sat knife wrists sobbed loudly sure whole block heard insane part debt saved life moment thought fathers disappointment upon finding debt stopped me saved enough money send college degree use realized killing would expose poorly ive managed life alive keep pretending anyway eventually pulled together left work felt horrible started taking shots soon got there fucking stupid stealing bar ended drunk job fired may end losing job anyway money off cant even remember counting register writing woke hating again woke alone couch thought redflag woke thinking sabotaged last night afraid die want different want wake feeling like anymore want make change feels impossible keep trying stop drinking inevitably break end shitfaced things regret make change ounce willpower left cannot see future outside killing myself selfish self pitying hateful person guess im writing realized morning going kill change believe enough trust enough think progress realistic know do sorry bit rant going post change mind need help one turn to