ive abused many times feel like psyche irreparableim damaged goods good upbringing raised abusive mother married man also abused us moved father married woman tore gaslit daily attempted redflag times teenager so moved away across country college thought id get fresh start surround good people freshman year college raped months after met guy seemed perfect made fucking happy love bombed gave everything emotionally physically even financially started abusing emotionally sexually dumped year text told everyone abused him also found hed cheated multiple times so isolated person friend town point kept coming place wanting make up wed sex hed tell worth shit remember asking why flatly said because easier finding someone tinder point cracked admitted hospital multiple times severe panic attacks even remember person never even recovered that still feel like that two years later found slandered greatly across town pretty much everyone knew abuser so even speak atrocities without immediately shouted told dont listen liar abused jake tried multiple times speak apologize whatever ghosted also banned rape support groups abuser ended another relationship started great exgirlfriend got involved turned guy still feelings cheated multiple times body shamed compared ex got addicted drugs reminded daily wasnt girlfriend piece ass parties made game throwing beer face friends would laugh me relationship ended essentially started fucking someone else front party humiliated front everyone next day made public facebook posts psychotic even though shit cry even say anything party cried sat outside chainsmoking madeout couch house yesterday found first abusive ex raped another girl finally felt like experience substantiated second account well livid hed done someone else told people getting together cancel him fucking finally asked could part girl wanted speak another one victims because alone told no even abuse substantiated people still support well girl im impression girl thinks victim ive silenced  years tried post abuse support sub got downvoted so guess im wrong deserve support im healthy relationship friends boyfriend friends try build up tell im attractive im wanted im important feel barren bounces off none sinks know why think im beaten cant even internalize positivity love anymore sex feels like nothing anymore boyfriend loving cuddling feels like nothing ive tried past year feel something never comes think killing everyday ive tried took long able chicken out now really feel like im far gone tested disappearing last year im social media except reddit gave people phone number one ever contacted me friends reached last months went pretty much year even thinking me whole think affect friends family thingi really think majority would forget move within weeks ive even lifelong friends stopped talking went social media even though number would forget move on deeply affect anyone think would hurt boyfriend father father getting old enough deal long boyfriend still young would meet someone else probably fairly soon even even know im posting this guess wanted someone know why yes ive therapy tried multiple antidepressants before ive even abuse rape specific therapy put bandaid problem