As we get older we expect life to slow down. We anticipate more calm and less conflict. It is disappointing when we realize that we are still human and that somehow life has not magically become more Zen. In our fifties, sixties and beyond, we still have difficulties with siblings. We lose jobs, look for work, and have other employment changes. We get divorced and strike up new relationships. We have grandchildren AND aging parents. Life has not slowed down at all. Conflicts arise everyday at home, at work, with children, parents it – feels like the list of potential difficulties grows, not shrinks. The point is: we never outgrow conflict. It is entirely appropriate to hire a mediator, somebody who is neutral and who will help you through the conflict so that you can keep going to experience the calm you are looking for. The problem is, hiring a mediator is confusing. What is a mediator supposed to be good at? How DO you hire a mediator? Here are TEN TIPS to help you find the right mediator for you. First, make a list of three to five mediators by asking your friends and colleagues for referrals and search online for mediators in your area. It should be relatively easy to come up with a short list to interview. Here are some tips to help you succeed in finding someone really good: #1 Lawyers and judges rarely make great mediators. It is common for lawyers and retired judges to do mediation. Lawyers might be capable lawyers and judges might be fair judges, but it is rare that either one is able to completely take off his/her advocate/judging hat to do what is required to be a great mediator: be neutral, nonjudgmental, and comfortable with conflict. This leads us directly to number two: #2 Mediators should be extremely comfortable around conflict. Believe it or not, many mediators are actually conflict avoidant. These mediators believe the best way for them to help is to keep order in the room. They set ground rules (like no interrupting) then police these rules (have you ever had a normal conversation and not been interrupted?) They make agendas and then keep people from veering
As we get older we expect life to slow down. We anticipate more calm and less conflict. It is disappointing when we realize that we are still human and that somehow life has not magically become more Zen. In our fifties, sixties and beyond, we still have difficulties with siblings. We lose jobs, look for work, and have other employment changes. We get divorced and strike up new relationships. We have grandchildren AND aging parents. Life has not slowed down at all. Conflicts arise everyday at home, at work, with children, parents – it feels like the list of potential difficulties grows, not shrinks. The point is: we never outgrow conflict. It is entirely appropriate to hire a mediator, somebody who is neutral and who will help you through the conflict so that you can keep going to experience the calm you are looking for. The problem is, hiring a mediator is confusing. What is a mediator supposed to be good at? How DO you hire a mediator? Here are TEN TIPS to help you find the right mediator for you. First, make a list of three to five mediators by asking your friends and colleagues for referrals and search online for mediators in your area. It should be relatively easy to come up with a short list to interview. Here are some tips to help you succeed in finding someone really good: #1 Lawyers and judges rarely make great mediators. It is common for lawyers and retired judges to do mediation. Lawyers might be capable lawyers and judges might be fair judges, but it is rare that either one is able to completely take off his/her advocate/judging hat to do what is required to be a great mediator: be neutral, nonjudgmental, and comfortable with conflict. This leads us directly to number two: #2 Mediators should be extremely comfortable around conflict. Believe it or not, many mediators are actually conflict avoidant. These mediators believe the best way for them to help is to keep order in the room. They set ground rules (like no interrupting) then police these rules (have you ever had a normal conversation and not been interrupted?) They make agendas and then keep people from veering
10%20TIPS%20ON%20HOW%20TO%20HIRE%20A%20MEDIATOR.docx