I could barely put one foot in front of the other and was having trouble either understanding or stringing more than three words together and was happy to have my eyes closed. On that late sunny August afternoon I walked into A/E, unbeknown to me, with acute septicemia/acute pneumonia and acute cellulitis. Twelve hours later I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and three days later went into full organ failure. Through all the medical interventions my body underwent – just prior to each procedure I would gently surrender my body to the medical teams and then I / my spirit would go off to the land of Anaconda. 2.The Breath/ Pause days later in my own hospital room – hallucinating – alone- lying on my right side –I stopped breathing and slowly saw my body disintegrate into many layers. Oh God I thought so this is it. The end I did not want to go and realized that I could not go anywhere –one even if I wanted to. There was no around to ask- mounting terror…Still no breath… I rummaged around in my very drug infused and – remembered the pause between the breath along with the resting of my awareness in the reptilian brain at the base of the brain stem – utilizing the 6/7 proprioceptive senses where there is no time and space is endless. So this was a very long and then the words of one of my teacher’s -find the space within the body. I waited part of me still fascinated with the many layers of my body- rather like a mille feuille And after a while an inhale flowed in And then a very long pause And then an exhale And then a very long . a while the rhythm of my breath balanced . The feuille compressed I came back into body I the door of my room open and someone came and leant over me – not caring but livid. Said nothing and left banging the door. This was one of a number of specters that were eager for my death.
I could barely put one foot in front of the other and was having trouble either understanding or stringing more than three words together and was happy to have my eyes closed. On that late sunny August afternoon I walked into A/E, unbeknown to me, with acute septicemia/acute pneumonia and acute cellulitis. Twelve hours later I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and three days later went into full organ failure. Through all the medical interventions my body underwent – just prior to each procedure I would gently surrender my body to the medical teams and then I / my spirit would go off to the land of Anaconda. 2.The Breath/ Pause days later in my own hospital room – hallucinating – alone- lying on my right side –I stopped breathing and slowly saw my body disintegrate into many layers. Oh God I thought so this is it. The end I did not want to go and realized that I could not go anywhere even if I wanted to. There was no –one around to ask- mounting terror…Still no breath… I rummaged around in my very drug infused and remembered the pause between the breath – along with the resting of my awareness in the reptilian brain at the base of the brain stem – utilizing the 6/7 proprioceptive senses where there is no time and space is endless. So this was a very long and then the words of one of my teacher’s -find the space within the body. I waited part of me still fascinated with the many layers of my body- rather like a mille feuille And after a while an inhale flowed in And then a very long pause And then an exhale And then a very long . a while the rhythm of my breath balanced . The feuille compressed I came back into body I the door of my room open and someone came and leant over me – not caring but livid. Said nothing and left banging the door. This was one of a number of specters that were eager for my death.
ConvesationswithDeath.docx