Generally speaking, there are three forms of interaction with others assertive, — aggressive and passive. Assertive responses are usually best when resolving a complaint. With assertive responses, you: clarify your own needs directly, openly and appropriately • are aware of your own rights and the rights of others • ask confidently and without undue anxiety (often expressing yourself with • an ‘I’ statement, as explained below). With aggressive responses, you: try to get what you want in any way possible • often give rise to uncomfortable feelings in others • threaten, cajole, manipulate or use sarcasm • • say: ‘you should …’, ‘you must ...’, ‘you’d better …’, ‘never’, ‘always’, or ‘impossible’, ‘won’t’ ‘can’t’. With passive responses, you: hope that you get what you want • sit on your feelings • rely on others to guess what you guess • want. Expressed as: ‘maybe’, ‘I …’, ‘I know or can’t …’, ‘you …’, ‘they don’t listen’ ‘they’re obnoxious’. statements ‘I’ By using an statement, you tell other people how you feel about something ‘I’ while clarifying your needs. An statement: ‘I’ does not blame someone or require them to change • helps to identify a concern and open a discussion (but does not resolve the • situation) addresses and • ‘I’ ‘we’, rather than ‘you’ is informal and simply states how you feel and what your concerns are. • An statement has three parts: ‘I’ a statement of your feelings (such as, feel • ‘I attacked …’) a description of the behaviour that brings forward the feelings (such as, when • ‘… people raise their voice to make a point …’) a statement of the consequences of the behaviour (such as it • ‘… because invariably makes others angry and leads to more aggression’). You might like to add a fourth component what you would like to see happen — (such as, suggest we try to remain calm so that we can discuss the concerns ‘I you want to raise and develop a timeline to try to resolve them’).
Generally speaking, there are three forms of interaction with others — assertive, aggressive and passive. Assertive responses are usually best when resolving a complaint. With assertive responses, you: • clarify your own needs directly, openly and appropriately • are aware of your own rights and the rights of others • ask confidently and without undue anxiety (often expressing yourself with an ‘I’ statement, as explained below). With aggressive responses, you: • try to get what you want in any way possible • often give rise to uncomfortable feelings in others • threaten, cajole, manipulate or use sarcasm • say: ‘you should …’, ‘you must ...’, ‘you’d better …’, ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘impossible’, ‘won’t’ or ‘can’t’. With passive responses, you: • hope that you get what you want • sit on your feelings • rely on others to guess what you want. Expressed as: ‘maybe’, ‘I guess …’, ‘I can’t …’, ‘you know …’, ‘they don’t listen’ or ‘they’re obnoxious’. ‘I’ statements By using an ‘I’ statement, you tell other people how you feel about something while clarifying your needs. An ‘I’ statement: • does not blame someone or require them to change • helps to identify a concern and open a discussion (but does not resolve the situation) • addresses ‘I’ and ‘we’, rather than ‘you’ • is informal and simply states how you feel and what your concerns are. An ‘I’ statement has three parts: • a statement of your feelings (such as, ‘I feel attacked …’) • a description of the behaviour that brings forward the feelings (such as, ‘… when people raise their voice to make a point …’) • a statement of the consequences of the behaviour (such as ‘… because it invariably makes others angry and leads to more aggression’). You might like to add a fourth component — what you would like to see happen (such as, ‘I suggest we try to remain calm so that we can discuss the concerns you want to raise and develop a timeline to try to resolve them’).
guide13anger.docx