By family rule, we mean basically patterns that the family has not all rules – are conscious. A simple rule might be you disagree with me, it means you “If love or you talk back, you get our family we always don’t me.” “If hit.” Or, “In tell each other the Another example of a rule is the tension rises truth.” “If between Mom and Dad, Bobby picks a fight with Susie in order to distract The family might not be aware that this is a But it happens over them.” ‘rule.’ and over again. One reason families have rules is in order to stay organized, know what’s happening, and to maintain the family within a comfortable ‘temperature’ range. Like a thermostat if things get too hot, a rule for how to cool – there’s them we get too angry and afraid going to hit you, I leave the off (“If I’m I’m If things get too cool, a rule for how to warm them up room.”). there’s (“We had any time together lately, let me give you a hug and you can tell haven’t me about your day.”) Boundaries exist both with families (the marital subsystem usually excludes kids, or two siblings might be especially close) And AROUND the family. – Some families have a strong family boundary; they stay together and aren’t very connected with others outside the family. Their rule might be “What happens in the family stays in the Or wash out dirty family.” “We don’t laundry in public.” When there is tension between two people, one way to handle it is to a third party. ‘triangle’ We often see this in families when there is tension between parents. They may a child. A scapegoat child develops problems, is seen as a ‘scapegoat’ bad kid, or may become sickly. This allows adults to focus on the child rather than to address their own issues. Parents may pull the child into a cross-generational coalition (be on Mom’s side against Dad). Or the child may be expected to mediate between the two parents, or keep the peace. Triangled children are often not seen for who they truly are, but instead
By family rule, we mean basically patterns that the family has – not all rules are conscious. A simple rule might be “If you disagree with me, it means you don’t love me.” or “If you talk back, you get hit.” Or, “In our family we always tell each other the truth.” Another example of a rule is “If the tension rises between Mom and Dad, Bobby picks a fight with Susie in order to distract them.” The family might not be aware that this is a ‘rule.’ But it happens over and over again. One reason families have rules is in order to stay organized, know what’s happening, and to maintain the family ‘temperature’ within a comfortable range. Like a thermostat – if things get too hot, there’s a rule for how to cool them off (“If we get too angry and I’m afraid I’m going to hit you, I leave the room.”). If things get too cool, there’s a rule for how to warm them up (“We haven’t had any time together lately, let me give you a hug and you can tell me about your day.”) Boundaries exist both with families (the marital subsystem usually excludes kids, or two siblings might be especially close) – And AROUND the family. Some families have a strong family boundary; they stay together and aren’t very connected with others outside the family. Their rule might be “What happens in the family stays in the family.” Or “We don’t wash out dirty laundry in public.” When there is tension between two people, one way to handle it is to ‘triangle’ a third party. We often see this in families when there is tension between parents. They may ‘scapegoat’ a child. A scapegoat child develops problems, is seen as a bad kid, or may become sickly. This allows adults to focus on the child rather than to address their own issues. Parents may pull the child into a cross-generational coalition (be on Mom’s side against Dad). Or the child may be expected to mediate between the two parents, or keep the peace. Triangled children are often not seen for who they truly are, but instead
FAMILY%20MATTERS%20Recovery%20Workbook.docx