Every one of these conflict management styles can be used effectively in a biblical way—given the appropriate situation. However, each style can also be used in a manipulative, destructive way. Personal assessment of your past experiences with conflict Rate each one on a scale of 1 to 10. ____1. How big of a problem has conflict been in your life? 1=small problem 10=big problem ____2. Growing up as a child & teen, how often was conflict a part of your life? 1=conflict was rare 10=lots of conflict ____3. How much pain did conflict cause in your life? 1=little pain 10=lots of pain ____4. How much damage did conflict cause in your life? 1=very little damage 10=lots of damage Basic tools for handling conflict A. vs. messages “I” messages “You” messages tend to increase conflict by enhancing the other “You” person’s defense mechanisms. These messages cause the other person to feel put down, rejected or unimportant. Examples of messages “You” --You just don’t care. --You are a problem. --Can’t you ever do anything right? --You are so stupid! messages are more messages tell what you feel “I” effective than “you” messages. “I” and how the other behavior is making you feel. This type of message helps to person’s communicate your feelings regarding the other behavior and its effect on you person’s without strengthening the defenses of the other person. messages deal with facts versus evaluations and judgments. It helps to communicate “I” honesty and openness. messages are less likely to cause harm in the relationship. The “I” self-esteem of the other person is not attacked. An message is different from a “I” “you” message in that you take responsibility for your own feelings. Examples of messages “I”
Every one of these conflict management styles can be used effectively in a biblical way—given the appropriate situation. However, each style can also be used in a manipulative, destructive way. Personal assessment of your past experiences with conflict Rate each one on a scale of 1 to 10. ____1. How big of a problem has conflict been in your life? 1=small problem 10=big problem ____2. Growing up as a child & teen, how often was conflict a part of your life? 1=conflict was rare 10=lots of conflict ____3. How much pain did conflict cause in your life? 1=little pain 10=lots of pain ____4. How much damage did conflict cause in your life? 1=very little damage 10=lots of damage Basic tools for handling conflict A. “I” messages vs. “You” messages “You” messages tend to increase conflict by enhancing the other person’s defense mechanisms. These messages cause the other person to feel put down, rejected or unimportant. Examples of “You” messages --You just don’t care. --You are a problem. --Can’t you ever do anything right? --You are so stupid! “I” messages are more effective than “you” messages. “I” messages tell what you feel and how the other person’s behavior is making you feel. This type of message helps to communicate your feelings regarding the other person’s behavior and its effect on you without strengthening the defenses of the other person. “I” messages deal with facts versus evaluations and judgments. It helps to communicate honesty and openness. “I” messages are less likely to cause harm in the relationship. The self-esteem of the other person is not attacked. An “I” message is different from a “you” message in that you take responsibility for your own feelings. Examples of “I” messages