Chapter: ACT III  SCENE 1.

A field near Frogmore.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.]

EVANS.
I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, and friend
Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius,
that calls himself doctor of physic?

SIMPLE.
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor
way, and every way but the town way.

EVANS.
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.

SIMPLE.
I will, Sir.

[Exit.]

EVANS.
Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind!
I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am!
I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I have goot
opportunities for the 'ork: pless my soul! 

[Sings]
   To shallow rivers, to whose falls
   Melodious birds sings madrigals;
   There will we make our peds of roses,
   And a thousand fragrant posies.
   To shallow--

Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

[Sings.]
   Melodious birds sing madrigals,--
   Whenas I sat in Pabylon,--
   And a thousand vagram posies.
   To shallow,--

[Re-enter SIMPLE.]

SIMPLE.
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.

EVANS.
He's welcome.

[Sings]
   To shallow rivers, to whose falls--

Heaven prosper the right!--What weapons is he?

SIMPLE.
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another
gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

EVANS.
Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
[Reads in a book.]

[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]

SHALLOW.
How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester
from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER.
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE.
'Save you, good Sir Hugh!

EVANS.
Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOW.
What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson?

PAGE.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day!

EVANS.
There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE.
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

EVANS.
Fery well; what is it?

PAGE.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received
wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and
patience that ever you saw.

SHALLOW.
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of
his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.

EVANS.
What is he?

PAGE.
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French
physician.

EVANS.
Got's will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would
tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGE.
Why?

EVANS.
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen,--and he is a
knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be
acquainted withal.

PAGE.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

SLENDER.
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW.
It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes
Doctor Caius.

[Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY.]

PAGE.
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW.
So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST.
Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole
and hack our English.

CAIUS.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you
not meet-a me?

EVANS.
[Aside to CAIUS.] Pray you use your patience; in good time.

CAIUS.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

EVANS.
[Aside to CAIUS.] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other
men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or
other make you amends.
[Aloud.] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.

CAIUS.
Diable!--Jack Rugby,--mine Host de Jarretiere,--have I not stay for
him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

EVANS.
As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place
appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.

HOST.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer
and body-curer!

CAIUS.
Ay, dat is very good; excellent!

HOST.
Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I
subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me
the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest,
my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.
Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so;--give me thy hand, celestial;
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you
to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole,
and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn.
Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOW.
Trust me, a mad host!--Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER.
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and HOST.]

CAIUS.
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

EVANS.
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that
we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be
revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host
of the Garter.

CAIUS.
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne
Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

EVANS.
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

[Exeunt.]

 Over at Frogmore fields, Evans has been waiting for Caius to show up. He's carrying a big sword and a Bible. Simple is there, too, and Evans sends him off to look for Caius. Evans whips open his bible and declares "Jeshu pless me" , right before swearing to God that he's going to knock Caius's "urinals about his knave's costard." Then, for some reason he starts singing a popular love song. Simple shows up with Shallow and Page who proceed to make fun of Evans for holding a bible and sword at the same time. Then the Host appears with John Rugby and Doctor Caius. Okay, is everyone here? Caius and Evans draw their swords... But, before anyone can stab anyone else in the guts, Shallow and Page step in and take away their weapons. The Host says the guys would be better off "hacking our English" instead of hacking into each others' body parts. In other words, the Host can't stand the sound of Caius' and Evans' foreign accents but that doesn't mean he wants them kill each other. Plus, trash talk is more fun than physical violence. Caius and Evans both have a "You're so lucky they just took away my sword" kind of moment and act like they actually want to fight. Everyone leaves, except for Slender, Caius, and Evans. Evans and Caius whisper to each other that the Host is just messing with them and trying to make them look foolish. They agree to be friends and vow to get revenge. Meanwhile, Slender has been standing around sighing and carrying on about "sweet Anne Page." Hmm. If Slender loves Anne so much, why was he going to let his friend Evans fight over her with Doctor Caius? We call shenanigans.

