Chapter: THE LIGHTNING-ROD MAN.


What grand irregular thunder, thought I, standing on my hearth-stone
among the Acroceraunian hills, as the scattered bolts boomed overhead,
and crashed down among the valleys, every bolt followed by zigzag
irradiations, and swift slants of sharp rain, which audibly rang, like a
charge of spear-points, on my low shingled roof. I suppose, though, that
the mountains hereabouts break and churn up the thunder, so that it is
far more glorious here than on the plain. Hark!--someone at the door.
Who is this that chooses a time of thunder for making calls? And why
don't he, man-fashion, use the knocker, instead of making that doleful
undertaker's clatter with his fist against the hollow panel? But let him
in. Ah, here he comes. "Good day, sir:" an entire stranger. "Pray be
seated." What is that strange-looking walking-stick he carries: "A fine
thunder-storm, sir."

"Fine?--Awful!"

"You are wet. Stand here on the hearth before the fire."

"Not for worlds!"

The stranger still stood in the exact middle of the cottage, where he
had first planted himself. His singularity impelled a closer scrutiny. A
lean, gloomy figure. Hair dark and lank, mattedly streaked over his
brow. His sunken pitfalls of eyes were ringed by indigo halos, and
played with an innocuous sort of lightning: the gleam without the bolt.
The whole man was dripping. He stood in a puddle on the bare oak floor:
his strange walking-stick vertically resting at his side.

It was a polished copper rod, four feet long, lengthwise attached to a
neat wooden staff, by insertion into two balls of greenish glass, ringed
with copper bands. The metal rod terminated at the top tripodwise, in
three keen tines, brightly gilt. He held the thing by the wooden part
alone.

"Sir," said I, bowing politely, "have I the honor of a visit from that
illustrious god, Jupiter Tonans? So stood he in the Greek statue of old,
grasping the lightning-bolt. If you be he, or his viceroy, I have to
thank you for this noble storm you have brewed among our mountains.
Listen: That was a glorious peal. Ah, to a lover of the majestic, it is
a good thing to have the Thunderer himself in one's cottage. The thunder
grows finer for that. But pray be seated. This old rush-bottomed
arm-chair, I grant, is a poor substitute for your evergreen throne on
Olympus; but, condescend to be seated."

While I thus pleasantly spoke, the stranger eyed me, half in wonder, and
half in a strange sort of horror; but did not move a foot.

"Do, sir, be seated; you need to be dried ere going forth again."

I planted the chair invitingly on the broad hearth, where a little fire
had been kindled that afternoon to dissipate the dampness, not the cold;
for it was early in the month of September.

But without heeding my solicitation, and still standing in the middle of
the floor, the stranger gazed at me portentously and spoke.

"Sir," said he, "excuse me; but instead of my accepting your invitation
to be seated on the hearth there, I solemnly warn _you_, that you had
best accept _mine_, and stand with me in the middle of the room. Good
heavens!" he cried, starting--"there is another of those awful crashes.
I warn you, sir, quit the hearth."

"Mr. Jupiter Tonans," said I, quietly rolling my body on the stone, "I
stand very well here."

"Are you so horridly ignorant, then," he cried, "as not to know, that by
far the most dangerous part of a house, during such a terrific tempest
as this, is the fire-place?"

"Nay, I did not know that," involuntarily stepping upon the first board
next to the stone.

The stranger now assumed such an unpleasant air of successful
admonition, that--quite involuntarily again--I stepped back upon the
hearth, and threw myself into the erectest, proudest posture I could
command. But I said nothing.

"For Heaven's sake," he cried, with a strange mixture of alarm and
intimidation--"for Heaven's sake, get off the hearth! Know you not, that
the heated air and soot are conductors;--to say nothing of those
immense iron fire-dogs? Quit the spot--I conjure--I command you."

"Mr. Jupiter Tonans, I am not accustomed to be commanded in my own
house."

"Call me not by that pagan name. You are profane in this time of
terror."

"Sir, will you be so good as to tell me your business? If you seek
shelter from the storm, you are welcome, so long as you be civil; but if
you come on business, open it forthwith. Who are you?"

"I am a dealer in lightning-rods," said the stranger, softening his
tone; "my special business is--Merciful heaven! what a crash!--Have you
ever been struck--your premises, I mean? No? It's best to be
provided;"--significantly rattling his metallic staff on the floor;--"by
nature, there are no castles in thunder-storms; yet, say but the word,
and of this cottage I can make a Gibraltar by a few waves of this wand.
Hark, what Himalayas of concussions!"

"You interrupted yourself; your special business you were about to speak
of."

"My special business is to travel the country for orders for
lightning-rods. This is my specimen-rod;" tapping his staff; "I have the
best of references"--fumbling in his pockets. "In Criggan last month, I
put up three-and-twenty rods on only five buildings."

"Let me see. Was it not at Criggan last week, about midnight on
Saturday, that the steeple, the big elm, and the assembly-room cupola
were struck? Any of your rods there?"

"Not on the tree and cupola, but the steeple."

"Of what use is your rod, then?"

"Of life-and-death use. But my workman was heedless. In fitting the rod
at top to the steeple, he allowed a part of the metal to graze the tin
sheeting. Hence the accident. Not my fault, but his. Hark!"

"Never mind. That clap burst quite loud enough to be heard without
finger-pointing. Did you hear of the event at Montreal last year? A
servant girl struck at her bed-side with a rosary in her hand; the beads
being metal. Does your beat extend into the Canadas?"

"No. And I hear that there, iron rods only are in use. They should have
_mine_, which are copper. Iron is easily fused. Then they draw out the
rod so slender, that it has not body enough to conduct the full electric
current. The metal melts; the building is destroyed. My copper rods
never act so. Those Canadians are fools. Some of them knob the rod at
the top, which risks a deadly explosion, instead of imperceptibly
carrying down the current into the earth, as this sort of rod does.
_Mine_ is the only true rod. Look at it. Only one dollar a foot."

"This abuse of your own calling in another might make one distrustful
with respect to yourself."

"Hark! The thunder becomes less muttering. It is nearing us, and nearing
the earth, too. Hark! One crammed crash! All the vibrations made one by
nearness. Another flash. Hold!"

"What do you?" I said, seeing him now, instantaneously relinquishing his
staff, lean intently forward towards the window, with his right fore and
middle fingers on his left wrist. But ere the words had well escaped
me, another exclamation escaped him.

"Crash! only three pulses--less than a third of a mile off--yonder,
somewhere in that wood. I passed three stricken oaks there, ripped out
new and glittering. The oak draws lightning more than other timber,
having iron in solution in its sap. Your floor here seems oak.

"Heart-of-oak. From the peculiar time of your call upon me, I suppose
you purposely select stormy weather for your journeys. When the thunder
is roaring, you deem it an hour peculiarly favorable for producing
impressions favorable to your trade."

"Hark!--Awful!"

"For one who would arm others with fear you seem unbeseemingly timorous
yourself. Common men choose fair weather for their travels: you choose
thunder-storms; and yet--"

"That I travel in thunder-storms, I grant; but not without particular
precautions, such as only a lightning-rod man may know. Hark!
Quick--look at my specimen rod. Only one dollar a foot."

"A very fine rod, I dare say. But what are these particular precautions
of yours? Yet first let me close yonder shutters; the slanting rain is
beating through the sash. I will bar up."

"Are you mad? Know you not that yon iron bar is a swift conductor?
Desist."

"I will simply close the shutters, then, and call my boy to bring me a
wooden bar. Pray, touch the bell-pull there.

"Are you frantic? That bell-wire might blast you. Never touch bell-wire
in a thunder-storm, nor ring a bell of any sort."

"Nor those in belfries? Pray, will you tell me where and how one may be
safe in a time like this? Is there any part of my house I may touch with
hopes of my life?"

"There is; but not where you now stand. Come away from the wall. The
current will sometimes run down a wall, and--a man being a better
conductor than a wall--it would leave the wall and run into him. Swoop!
_That_ must have fallen very nigh. That must have been globular
lightning."

"Very probably. Tell me at once, which is, in your opinion, the safest
part of this house?

"This room, and this one spot in it where I stand. Come hither."

"The reasons first."

"Hark!--after the flash the gust--the sashes shiver--the house, the
house!--Come hither to me!"

"The reasons, if you please."

"Come hither to me!"

"Thank you again, I think I will try my old stand--the hearth. And now,
Mr. Lightning-rod-man, in the pauses of the thunder, be so good as to
tell me your reasons for esteeming this one room of the house the
safest, and your own one stand-point there the safest spot in it."

There was now a little cessation of the storm for a while. The
Lightning-rod man seemed relieved, and replied:--

"Your house is a one-storied house, with an attic and a cellar; this
room is between. Hence its comparative safety. Because lightning
sometimes passes from the clouds to the earth, and sometimes from the
earth to the clouds. Do you comprehend?--and I choose the middle of the
room, because if the lightning should strike the house at all, it would
come down the chimney or walls; so, obviously, the further you are from
them, the better. Come hither to me, now."

"Presently. Something you just said, instead of alarming me, has
strangely inspired confidence."

"What have I said?"

"You said that sometimes lightning flashes from the earth to the
clouds."

"Aye, the returning-stroke, as it is called; when the earth, being
overcharged with the fluid, flashes its surplus upward."

"The returning-stroke; that is, from earth to sky. Better and better.
But come here on the hearth and dry yourself."

"I am better here, and better wet."

"How?"

"It is the safest thing you can do--Hark, again!--to get yourself
thoroughly drenched in a thunder-storm. Wet clothes are better
conductors than the body; and so, if the lightning strike, it might pass
down the wet clothes without touching the body. The storm deepens
again. Have you a rug in the house? Rugs are non-conductors. Get one,
that I may stand on it here, and you, too. The skies blacken--it is dusk
at noon. Hark!--the rug, the rug!"

I gave him one; while the hooded mountains seemed closing and tumbling
into the cottage.

"And now, since our being dumb will not help us," said I, resuming my
place, "let me hear your precautions in traveling during
thunder-storms."

"Wait till this one is passed."

"Nay, proceed with the precautions. You stand in the safest possible
place according to your own account. Go on."

"Briefly, then. I avoid pine-trees, high houses, lonely barns, upland
pastures, running water, flocks of cattle and sheep, a crowd of men. If
I travel on foot--as to-day--I do not walk fast; if in my buggy, I touch
not its back or sides; if on horseback, I dismount and lead the horse.
But of all things, I avoid tall men."

"Do I dream? Man avoid man? and in danger-time, too."

"Tall men in a thunder-storm I avoid. Are you so grossly ignorant as not
to know, that the height of a six-footer is sufficient to discharge an
electric cloud upon him? Are not lonely Kentuckians, ploughing, smit in
the unfinished furrow? Nay, if the six-footer stand by running water,
the cloud will sometimes _select_ him as its conductor to that running
water. Hark! Sure, yon black pinnacle is split. Yes, a man is a good
conductor. The lightning goes through and through a man, but only peels
a tree. But sir, you have kept me so long answering your questions, that
I have not yet come to business. Will you order one of my rods? Look at
this specimen one? See: it is of the best of copper. Copper's the best
conductor. Your house is low; but being upon the mountains, that lowness
does not one whit depress it. You mountaineers are most exposed. In
mountainous countries the lightning-rod man should have most business.
Look at the specimen, sir. One rod will answer for a house so small as
this. Look over these recommendations. Only one rod, sir; cost, only
twenty dollars. Hark! There go all the granite Taconics and Hoosics
dashed together like pebbles. By the sound, that must have struck
something. An elevation of five feet above the house, will protect
twenty feet radius all about the rod. Only twenty dollars, sir--a dollar
a foot. Hark!--Dreadful!--Will you order? Will you buy? Shall I put down
your name? Think of being a heap of charred offal, like a haltered horse
burnt in his stall; and all in one flash!"

"You pretended envoy extraordinary and minister plenipotentiary to and
from Jupiter Tonans," laughed I; "you mere man who come here to put you
and your pipestem between clay and sky, do you think that because you
can strike a bit of green light from the Leyden jar, that you can
thoroughly avert the supernal bolt? Your rod rusts, or breaks, and where
are you? Who has empowered you, you Tetzel, to peddle round your
indulgences from divine ordinations? The hairs of our heads are
numbered, and the days of our lives. In thunder as in sunshine, I stand
at ease in the hands of my God. False negotiator, away! See, the scroll
of the storm is rolled back; the house is unharmed; and in the blue
heavens I read in the rainbow, that the Deity will not, of purpose, make
war on man's earth."

"Impious wretch!" foamed the stranger, blackening in the face as the
rainbow beamed, "I will publish your infidel notions."

The scowl grew blacker on his face; the indigo-circles enlarged round
his eyes as the storm-rings round the midnight moon. He sprang upon me;
his tri-forked thing at my heart.

I seized it; I snapped it; I dashed it; I trod it; and dragging the dark
lightning-king out of my door, flung his elbowed, copper sceptre after
him.

But spite of my treatment, and spite of my dissuasive talk of him to my
neighbors, the Lightning-rod man still dwells in the land; still travels
in storm-time, and drives a brave trade with the fears of man.

 This is another one of those Melville stories without much of a plot. Still, it's got more of a point than "The Piazza". So that's something. A dude is standing inside by his hearth listening to the thunder outside. Some other guy comes and knocks on the door. Dude 1 asks second guy if he'd like to stand by the hearth. No way, says dude two, and holds up a long rod The lightning rod man explains that you're in danger of getting hit by lightning if you stand by the hearth. Dude 1 says, chill out man. The lightning rod man tells him he sells lightning rods, and that only lightning rods can protect you in a storm. Dude 1 finds out that the lightning guys rod was on a church that got zapped with lightning recently, and concludes that the rods aren't of much use anyway. The narrator continues to razz the lightning rod salesman and suggest that he's a fool and a scammer, who travels in thunderstorms to scare people and get them to buy his rods. The lightning-rod guy is undeterred though, and tells the narrator not to ring the bell or close the shutters or do much of anything or he'll get zapped by lightning. Lightning-rod guy blathers on and says it's safest to be in wet clothes in a lightning storm He also says that in a storm he avoids just about everything, including other people. The narrator mocks him and points out that everybody dies sometime; who is this lightning-rod salesman to say he can control the heavens? The lightning-rod salesman gets cranky and attacks him with the rod. But our dude breaks the rod and sends lightning-rod guy packing. But people still use fear to sell junk, the narrator concludes pithily. That's the moral of the story, conveniently placed there at the end.

