Chapter: SCENE V

  ORGON, CLEANTE, DORINE


  ORGON
  Ah! Good morning, brother.

  CLEANTE
  I was just going, but am glad to greet you.
  Things are not far advanced yet, in the country?

  ORGON
  Dorine ...

  (To Cleante)
  Just wait a bit, please, brother-in-law.
  Let me allay my first anxiety
  By asking news about the family.

  (To Dorine)
  Has everything gone well these last two days?
  What's happening? And how is everybody?

  DORINE
  Madam had fever, and a splitting headache
  Day before yesterday, all day and evening.

  ORGON
  And how about Tartuffe?

  DORINE
  Tartuffe? He's well;
  He's mighty well; stout, fat, fair, rosy-lipped.

  ORGON
  Poor man!

  DORINE
  At evening she had nausea
  And couldn't touch a single thing for supper,
  Her headache still was so severe.

  ORGON
  And how
  About Tartuffe?

  DORINE
  He supped alone, before her,
  And unctuously ate up two partridges,
  As well as half a leg o' mutton, deviled.

  ORGON
  Poor man!

  DORINE
  All night she couldn't get a wink
  Of sleep, the fever racked her so; and we
  Had to sit up with her till daylight.

  ORGON
  How
  About Tartuffe?

  DORINE
  Gently inclined to slumber,
  He left the table, went into his room,
  Got himself straight into a good warm bed,
  And slept quite undisturbed until next morning.

  ORGON
  Poor man!

  DORINE
  At last she let us all persuade her,
  And got up courage to be bled; and then
  She was relieved at once.

  ORGON
  And how about
  Tartuffe?

  DORINE
  He plucked up courage properly,
  Bravely entrenched his soul against all evils,
  And to replace the blood that she had lost,
  He drank at breakfast four huge draughts of wine.

  ORGON
  Poor man!

  DORINE
  So now they both are doing well;
  And I'll go straightway and inform my mistress
  How pleased you are at her recovery.

 Now it's time for the title bout between Cleante and Orgon. Cleante tells his brother-in-law that Dorine was disrespecting him - and with good reason. He asks him how he could fall for Tartuffe's tricks. Orgon will hear none of this. He tells Cleante about how cool, how brilliant and humble Tartuffe is. Soon enough, Orgon promises, Cleante, will see the light. Oh, and Orgon also says that, thanks to Tartuffe and his most excellent teachings, he could lose his whole family, mother, children, brother and wife, and not feel a thing. Yuck. Cleante listens to Orgon babble on for a while, listens to him talk about his first encounter with Tartuffe. It seems that Orgon found him praying, weeping loudly, kissing the ground, and all sorts of overly showy stuff. This didn't stop Orgon from developing a huge man-crush on Tartuffe and, well, before you know it, he was living in Orgon's house. He goes on to tell Cleante how Tartuffe helps to "keep an eye" on Elmire, and that he's a veritable sin detector. Heck, he won't even hurt a fly. Cleante, ever reasonable, can't believe what he hears. When Orgon accuses him of impiety, he flies off the handle - in the most reasonable way possible, of course - and tells Orgon what a dunce he is to believe in all of Tartuffe's righteous clap-trap. Cleante makes it clear that he's no atheist - he simply knows the difference between truth and lies, real piety and hypocrisy. The difference between the two of them is, well, that Cleante isn't a gullible idiot. Cleante likes big, important terms like Nature and Reason and he, well, really likes to use them. A lot. He talks a lot. Orgon makes some sarcastic remarks about how wise Cleante is, which only pushes him to speak some more. He talks more about the difference between true men of religion and hypocritical con artists and he names all sorts of obscure philosophers and thinkers to justify his claims. He lists some key virtues which all good, Christian men should demonstrate: humility, good intentions, a desire to do good works, sincerity, humility, humility and...humility. At this point, Orgon is sick to death of hearing Cleante lecture, and he asks if he can leave. Cleante lets him go, but quickly gets him to come back. He asks about the whole Mariane-Valere wedding thing, as per Damis's wishes. Orgon tells him that, yes, he gave them his blessing and set a date. Cleante asks if he's now postponed it. Orgon has, but he won't say why. Cleante presses him until, finally, Orgon tells him that he plans "to be guided by Heaven's will." This is not, Cleante knows, good news for Mariane and Valere.

