Chapter: SCENE 4.

A room in DOCTOR CAIUS'S house.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, and SIMPLE.]

QUICKLY.
What, John Rugby! 

[Enter RUGBY.]

I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master,
Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i' faith, and find anybody
in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the
King's English.

RUGBY.
I'll go watch.

QUICKLY.
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in faith, at the
latter end of a sea-coal fire.

[Exit RUGBY.]

An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house
withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst
fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that
way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple
you say your name is?

SIMPLE.
Ay, for fault of a better.

QUICKLY.
And Master Slender's your master?

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth.

QUICKLY.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's paring-knife?

SIMPLE.
No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow
beard--a cane-coloured beard.

QUICKLY.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between
this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.

QUICKLY.
How say you?--O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head,
as it were, and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE.
Yes, indeed, does he.

QUICKLY.
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson
Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl,
and I wish--

[Re-enter RUGBY.]

RUGBY.
Out, alas! here comes my master.

QUICKLY.
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this
closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet.] He will not stay long. What,
John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my
master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home. 

[Exit Rugby.]

[Sings.] And down, down, adown-a, &c.

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.]

CAIUS.
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me
in my closet une boitine verde--a box, a green-a box: do intend vat
I speak? a green-a box.

QUICKLY.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad he went not in
himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

CAIUS.
Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a la cour--
la grande affaire.

QUICKLY.
Is it this, sir?

CAIUS.
Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, quickly--Vere is dat knave,
Rugby?

QUICKLY.
What, John Rugby? John!

[Re-enter Rugby.]

RUGBY.
Here, sir.

CAIUS.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier,
and come after my heel to de court.

RUGBY.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

CAIUS.
By my trot, I tarry too long--Od's me! Qu'ay j'oublie? Dere is some
simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

QUICKLY.
[Aside.] Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be mad!

CAIUS.
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?--Villainy! larron!
[Pulling SIMPLE out.]  Rugby, my rapier!

QUICKLY.
Good master, be content.

CAIUS.
Verefore shall I be content-a?

QUICKLY.
The young man is an honest man.

CAIUS.
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat
shall come in my closet.

QUICKLY.
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of
an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

CAIUS.
Vell.

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to--

QUICKLY.
Peace, I pray you.

CAIUS.
Peace-a your tongue!--Speak-a your tale.

SIMPLE.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to
Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage.

QUICKLY.
This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger in the fire,
and need not.

CAIUS.
Sir Hugh send-a you?--Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a
little-a while. [Writes.]

QUICKLY.
I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man,
I'll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no
is, the French doctor, my master--I may call him my master, look you,
for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress
meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself--

SIMPLE.
'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.

QUICKLY.
Are you avis'd o' that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be
up early and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in your
ear,--I would have no words of it--my master himself is in love with
Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,
that's neither here nor there.

CAIUS.
You jack'nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a
shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy
jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here: by gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he
shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.

[Exit SIMPLE.]

QUICKLY.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

CAIUS.
It is no matter-a ver dat:--do not you tell-a me dat I shall have
Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have
appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I
vill myself have Anne Page.

QUICKLY.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks
leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

CAIUS.
Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

[Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY.]

QUICKLY.
You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for
that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do;
nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

FENTON.
[Within.] Who's within there? ho!

QUICKLY.
Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.

[Enter FENTON.]

FENTON.
How now, good woman! how dost thou?

QUICKLY.
The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask.

FENTON.
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

QUICKLY.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that
is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

FENTON.
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

QUICKLY.
Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master
Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship
a wart above your eye?

FENTON.
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

QUICKLY.
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but,
I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour's talk
of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid's company;--but,
indeed, she is given too much to allicholy and musing. But for you
--well, go to.

FENTON.
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for thee; let me
have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.

QUICKLY.
Will I? i' faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of
the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.

FENTON.
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

QUICKLY.
Farewell to your worship.--[Exit FENTON.] Truly, an honest gentleman;
but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as another
does. Out upon 't, what have I forgot?

[Exit.]

 Over at Doctor Caius's house, the servant Peter Simple has arrived with a letter for Mistress Quickly. Mistress Quickly asks a servant to go to the window and be on the lookout for Doctor Caius, since Caius will be crazy angry if he comes home and finds another guy in his house. After some discussion about how Slender is the kind of guy who "struts" around with his nose up in the air, Mistress Quickly Rugby runs into the room and is all "Look out! Doctor Caius is home!" Mistress Quickly stashes Peter Simple in the closet. Caius enters the room and asks Mistress Quickly to fetch his green box. From the closet. Quickly manages to grab the box without Doctor Caius seeing Peter Simple. Then Caius remembers that, hey, he also needs some medicine from the same closet. Before Mistress Quickly can stop him, he runs over, flings open the doors, and spots Peter Simple hiding in the closet. Before Caius can stab Peter Simple in the guts with his sword, Mistress Quickly intervenes and Simple explains that he was delivering a letter asking Mistress Quickly to put in a good word for Slender with Anne Page. Unfortunately, Simple's explanation doesn't help. It turns out that Caius also wants to marry Anne and Mistress Quickly has already promised to help him. Caius whips out a piece of paper and writes a note to Evans, in which he calls him a "scurvy jackanape priest" and threatens to cut out his '"two stones." Yeah, that probably means what you think it means. Mistress Quickly points out that Evans was asking on behalf of a friend, but Caius doesn't care. He'll kill the priest anyway. Caius threatens to throw Mistress Quickly out of his house if she doesn't get Anne Page to marry him. Then he storms out while Mistress Quickly mutters under her breath about Caius being an "ass-head." Hey, we didn't write it. Before we know it, a guy named Master Fenton shows up and we find out that, you guessed it, Mistress Quickly has also agreed to help him pursue Anne Page. Mistress Quickly may have a little too much on her plate, don't you think? Quickly tells Fenton what he wants to hear: that Anne is in love with him. Seriously, Fenton? Just the other day, you guys spent an hour talking about that sexy wart above your eye. Fenton gives Mistress Quickly a bunch of money for helping him and she promises to talk him up the next time she sees Anne. Fenton leaves. Alone on stage, Quickly confesses to the audience that Fenton's a nice guy but she knows for a fact that "Anne loves him not."

