Chapter: A banqueting hall in TIMON'S house

Music. Tables set out; servants attending. Enter divers LORDS,
friends of TIMON, at several doors

  FIRST LORD. The good time of day to you, sir.
  SECOND LORD. I also wish it to you. I think this honourable
lord
    did but try us this other day.
  FIRST LORD. Upon that were my thoughts tiring when we
encount'red.
    I hope it is not so low with him as he made it seem in the
trial
    of his several friends.
  SECOND LORD. It should not be, by the persuasion of his new
    feasting.
  FIRST LORD. I should think so. He hath sent me an earnest
inviting,
    which many my near occasions did urge me to put off; but he
hath
    conjur'd me beyond them, and I must needs appear.
  SECOND LORD. In like manner was I in debt to my importunate
    business, but he would not hear my excuse. I am sorry, when
he
    sent to borrow of me, that my provision was out.
  FIRST LORD. I am sick of that grief too, as I understand how
all
    things go.
  SECOND LORD. Every man here's so. What would he have borrowed
of
    you?
  FIRST LORD. A thousand pieces.
  SECOND LORD. A thousand pieces!
  FIRST LORD. What of you?
  SECOND LORD. He sent to me, sir- here he comes.

                   Enter TIMON and attendants

  TIMON. With all my heart, gentlemen both! And how fare you?
  FIRST LORD. Ever at the best, hearing well of your lordship.
  SECOND LORD. The swallow follows not summer more willing than
we
    your lordship.
  TIMON. [Aside] Nor more willingly leaves winter; such
summer-birds
    are men- Gentlemen, our dinner will not recompense this long
    stay; feast your ears with the music awhile, if they will
fare so
    harshly o' th' trumpet's sound; we shall to't presently.
  FIRST LORD. I hope it remains not unkindly with your lordship
that
    I return'd you an empty messenger.
  TIMON. O sir, let it not trouble you.
  SECOND LORD. My noble lord-
  TIMON. Ah, my good friend, what cheer?
  SECOND LORD. My most honourable lord, I am e'en sick of shame
that,
    when your lordship this other day sent to me, I was so
    unfortunate a beggar.
  TIMON. Think not on't, sir.
  SECOND LORD. If you had sent but two hours before-
  TIMON. Let it not cumber your better remembrance. [The banquet
    brought in] Come, bring in all together.
  SECOND LORD. All cover'd dishes!
  FIRST LORD. Royal cheer, I warrant you.
  THIRD LORD. Doubt not that, if money and the season can yield
it.
  FIRST LORD. How do you? What's the news?
  THIRD LORD. Alcibiades is banish'd. Hear you of it?
  FIRST AND SECOND LORDS. Alcibiades banish'd!
  THIRD LORD. 'Tis so, be sure of it.
  FIRST LORD. How? how?
  SECOND LORD. I pray you, upon what?
  TIMON. My worthy friends, will you draw near?
  THIRD LORD. I'll tell you more anon. Here's a noble feast
toward.
  SECOND LORD. This is the old man still.
  THIRD LORD. Will't hold? Will't hold?
  SECOND LORD. It does; but time will- and so-
  THIRD LORD. I do conceive.
  TIMON. Each man to his stool with that spur as he would to the
lip
    of his mistress; your diet shall be in all places alike. Make
not
    a city feast of it, to let the meat cool ere we can agree
upon
    the first place. Sit, sit. The gods require our thanks:

    You great benefactors, sprinkle our society with
thankfulness.
    For your own gifts make yourselves prais'd; but reserve still
to
    give, lest your deities be despised. Lend to each man enough,
    that one need not lend to another; for were your god-heads to
    borrow of men, men would forsake the gods. Make the meat be
    beloved more than the man that gives it. Let no assembly of
    twenty be without a score of villains. If there sit twelve
women
    at the table, let a dozen of them be- as they are. The rest
of
    your foes, O gods, the senators of Athens, together with the
    common lag of people, what is amiss in them, you gods, make
    suitable for destruction. For these my present friends, as
they
    are to me nothing, so in nothing bless them, and to nothing
are
    they welcome.

    Uncover, dogs, and lap.        [The dishes are uncovered and
                                  seen to he full of warm water]
  SOME SPEAK. What does his lordship mean?
  SOME OTHER. I know not.
  TIMON. May you a better feast never behold,
    You knot of mouth-friends! Smoke and lukewarm water
    Is your perfection. This is Timon's last;
    Who, stuck and spangled with your flatteries,
    Washes it off, and sprinkles in your faces
                             [Throwing the water in their faces]
    Your reeking villainy. Live loath'd and long,
    Most smiling, smooth, detested parasites,
    Courteous destroyers, affable wolves, meek bears,
    You fools of fortune, trencher friends, time's flies,
    Cap and knee slaves, vapours, and minute-lacks!
    Of man and beast the infinite malady
    Crust you quite o'er! What, dost thou go?
    Soft, take thy physic first; thou too, and thou.
    Stay, I will lend thee money, borrow none.       [Throws the
                            dishes at them, and drives them out]
    What, all in motion? Henceforth be no feast
    Whereat a villain's not a welcome guest.
    Burn house! Sink Athens! Henceforth hated be
    Of Timon man and all humanity!                          Exit

                           Re-enter the LORDS

  FIRST LORD. How now, my lords!
  SECOND LORD. Know you the quality of Lord Timon's fury?
  THIRD LORD. Push! Did you see my cap?
  FOURTH LORD. I have lost my gown.
  FIRST LORD. He's but a mad lord, and nought but humours sways
him.
    He gave me a jewel th' other day, and now he has beat it out
of
    my hat. Did you see my jewel?
  THIRD LORD. Did you see my cap?
  SECOND LORD. Here 'tis.
  FOURTH LORD. Here lies my gown.
  FIRST LORD. Let's make no stay.
  SECOND LORD. Lord Timon's mad.
  THIRD LORD. I feel't upon my bones.
  FOURTH LORD. One day he gives us diamonds, next day stones.
                                                          Exeunt

 We hope you brought your Sunday best, because the banquet is about to begin. The whole gang is there: Lucullus, Lucius, Sempronius, Ventidius, and the other lords and Senators show up at Timon's house. The guys are all a little bashful over the whole not lending Timon money thing. But then they get to talking, and they figure Timon was just messing with them. The rumors must be false, they think. Timon can't be out of money, right? He was just testing their friendship by asking them for money. It's all good, they tell one another. Then they all come up with fake reasons why they didn't lend Timon any money. Hopefully that's all forgotten... and it must be, because when Timon enters a moment later, he welcomes them all as if nothing has changed. When the men see the table, they're sure everything is cool, because they only see covered dishes. They know what that means: gift time. They figure the dishes must all be covered because they are so lavish that the reveal will be just as exciting as the gifts themselves. Well, these guys are partly right. Timon says grace... but it's not the type we learned in Sunday school. Timon is cynical and indignant. He says he is thankful for his friends who are nothing to him, so he'll bless them with nothing. No one really seems to catch on--that is, not until they uncover the dishes in front of them. Underneath the lids are a bunch of stones and warm water. What the heck kind of dinner party is this? The men are really confused. That's when Timon begins to explain himself. He tells them he knows they are villains. He throws the water in their faces. Timon calls the guys "parasites," "destroyers," and "trencher-friends" . Then he throws stones at them. Unsurprisingly, they all run away. Timon finishes off his passionate speech by saying he hates Athens. Oh, and all mankind hates it too. Boo-yah. After Timon's gone, the men sneak back in to collect their things. They might be embarrassed, but that's no reason to leave behind a perfectly good gown or jewel. The men also collectively decide that Timon is crazy. That's the only explanation for why he got angry at them, right? Riiiiiight.

