Chapter: CHAPTER XXXIX. THE HYPOTHETICAL FRIENDS.



"Charlie, I am going to put confidence in you."

"You always have, and with reason. What is it Frank?"

"Charlie, I am in want--urgent want of money."

"That's not well."

"But it _will_ be well, Charlie, if you loan me a hundred dollars. I
would not ask this of you, only my need is sore, and you and I have so
long shared hearts and minds together, however unequally on my side,
that nothing remains to prove our friendship than, with the same
inequality on my side, to share purses. You will do me the favor won't
you?"

"Favor? What do you mean by asking me to do you a favor?"

"Why, Charlie, you never used to talk so."

"Because, Frank, you on your side, never used to talk so."

"But won't you loan me the money?"

"No, Frank."

"Why?"

"Because my rule forbids. I give away money, but never loan it; and of
course the man who calls himself my friend is above receiving alms. The
negotiation of a loan is a business transaction. And I will transact no
business with a friend. What a friend is, he is socially and
intellectually; and I rate social and intellectual friendship too high
to degrade it on either side into a pecuniary make-shift. To be sure
there are, and I have, what is called business friends; that is,
commercial acquaintances, very convenient persons. But I draw a red-ink
line between them and my friends in the true sense--my friends social
and intellectual. In brief, a true friend has nothing to do with loans;
he should have a soul above loans. Loans are such unfriendly
accommodations as are to be had from the soulless corporation of a bank,
by giving the regular security and paying the regular discount."

"An _unfriendly_ accommodation? Do those words go together handsomely?"

"Like the poor farmer's team, of an old man and a cow--not handsomely,
but to the purpose. Look, Frank, a loan of money on interest is a sale
of money on credit. To sell a thing on credit may be an accommodation,
but where is the friendliness? Few men in their senses, except
operators, borrow money on interest, except upon a necessity akin to
starvation. Well, now, where is the friendliness of my letting a
starving man have, say, the money's worth of a barrel of flour upon the
condition that, on a given day, he shall let me have the money's worth
of a barrel and a half of flour; especially if I add this further
proviso, that if he fail so to do, I shall then, to secure to myself
the money's worth of my barrel and his half barrel, put his heart up at
public auction, and, as it is cruel to part families, throw in his
wife's and children's?"

"I understand," with a pathetic shudder; "but even did it come to that,
such a step on the creditor's part, let us, for the honor of human
nature, hope, were less the intention than the contingency."

"But, Frank, a contingency not unprovided for in the taking beforehand
of due securities."

"Still, Charlie, was not the loan in the first place a friend's act?"

"And the auction in the last place an enemy's act. Don't you see? The
enmity lies couched in the friendship, just as the ruin in the relief."

"I must be very stupid to-day, Charlie, but really, I can't understand
this. Excuse me, my dear friend, but it strikes me that in going into
the philosophy of the subject, you go somewhat out of your depth."

"So said the incautious wader out to the ocean; but the ocean replied:
'It is just the other way, my wet friend,' and drowned him."

"That, Charlie, is a fable about as unjust to the ocean, as some of
AEsop's are to the animals. The ocean is a magnanimous element, and would
scorn to assassinate a poor fellow, let alone taunting him in the act.
But I don't understand what you say about enmity couched in friendship,
and ruin in relief."

"I will illustrate, Frank, The needy man is a train slipped off the
rail. He who loans him money on interest is the one who, by way of
accommodation, helps get the train back where it belongs; but then, by
way of making all square, and a little more, telegraphs to an agent,
thirty miles a-head by a precipice, to throw just there, on his account,
a beam across the track. Your needy man's principle-and-interest friend
is, I say again, a friend with an enmity in reserve. No, no, my dear
friend, no interest for me. I scorn interest."

"Well, Charlie, none need you charge. Loan me without interest."

"That would be alms again."

"Alms, if the sum borrowed is returned?"

"Yes: an alms, not of the principle, but the interest."

"Well, I am in sore need, so I will not decline the alms. Seeing that it
is you, Charlie, gratefully will I accept the alms of the interest. No
humiliation between friends."

"Now, how in the refined view of friendship can you suffer yourself to
talk so, my dear Frank. It pains me. For though I am not of the sour
mind of Solomon, that, in the hour of need, a stranger is better than a
brother; yet, I entirely agree with my sublime master, who, in his Essay
on Friendship, says so nobly, that if he want a terrestrial convenience,
not to his friend celestial (or friend social and intellectual) would he
go; no: for his terrestrial convenience, to his friend terrestrial (or
humbler business-friend) he goes. Very lucidly he adds the reason:
Because, for the superior nature, which on no account can ever descend
to do good, to be annoyed with requests to do it, when the inferior
one, which by no instruction can ever rise above that capacity, stands
always inclined to it--this is unsuitable."

"Then I will not consider you as my friend celestial, but as the other."

"It racks me to come to that; but, to oblige you, I'll do it. We are
business friends; business is business. You want to negotiate a loan.
Very good. On what paper? Will you pay three per cent a month? Where is
your security?"

"Surely, you will not exact those formalities from your old
schoolmate--him with whom you have so often sauntered down the groves of
Academe, discoursing of the beauty of virtue, and the grace that is in
kindliness--and all for so paltry a sum. Security? Our being
fellow-academics, and friends from childhood up, is security."

"Pardon me, my dear Frank, our being fellow-academics is the worst of
securities; while, our having been friends from childhood up is just no
security at all. You forget we are now business friends."

"And you, on your side, forget, Charlie, that as your business friend I
can give you no security; my need being so sore that I cannot get an
indorser."

"No indorser, then, no business loan."

"Since then, Charlie, neither as the one nor the other sort of friend
you have defined, can I prevail with you; how if, combining the two, I
sue as both?"

"Are you a centaur?"

"When all is said then, what good have I of your friendship, regarded in
what light you will?"

"The good which is in the philosophy of Mark Winsome, as reduced to
practice by a practical disciple."

"And why don't you add, much good may the philosophy of Mark Winsome do
me? Ah," turning invokingly, "what is friendship, if it be not the
helping hand and the feeling heart, the good Samaritan pouring out at
need the purse as the vial!"

"Now, my dear Frank, don't be childish. Through tears never did man see
his way in the dark. I should hold you unworthy that sincere friendship
I bear you, could I think that friendship in the ideal is too lofty for
you to conceive. And let me tell you, my dear Frank, that you would
seriously shake the foundations of our love, if ever again you should
repeat the present scene. The philosophy, which is mine in the strongest
way, teaches plain-dealing. Let me, then, now, as at the most suitable
time, candidly disclose certain circumstances you seem in ignorance of.
Though our friendship began in boyhood, think not that, on my side at
least, it began injudiciously. Boys are little men, it is said. You, I
juvenilely picked out for my friend, for your favorable points at the
time; not the least of which were your good manners, handsome dress, and
your parents' rank and repute of wealth. In short, like any grown man,
boy though I was, I went into the market and chose me my mutton, not for
its leanness, but its fatness. In other words, there seemed in you, the
schoolboy who always had silver in his pocket, a reasonable probability
that you would never stand in lean need of fat succor; and if my early
impression has not been verified by the event, it is only because of
the caprice of fortune producing a fallibility of human expectations,
however discreet.'"

"Oh, that I should listen to this cold-blooded disclosure!"

"A little cold blood in your ardent veins, my dear Frank, wouldn't do
you any harm, let me tell you. Cold-blooded? You say that, because my
disclosure seems to involve a vile prudence on my side. But not so. My
reason for choosing you in part for the points I have mentioned, was
solely with a view of preserving inviolate the delicacy of the
connection. For--do but think of it--what more distressing to delicate
friendship, formed early, than your friend's eventually, in manhood,
dropping in of a rainy night for his little loan of five dollars or so?
Can delicate friendship stand that? And, on the other side, would
delicate friendship, so long as it retained its delicacy, do that? Would
you not instinctively say of your dripping friend in the entry, 'I have
been deceived, fraudulently deceived, in this man; he is no true friend
that, in platonic love to demand love-rites?'"

"And rites, doubly rights, they are, cruel Charlie!"

"Take it how you will, heed well how, by too importunately claiming
those rights, as you call them, you shake those foundations I hinted of.
For though, as it turns out, I, in my early friendship, built me a fair
house on a poor site; yet such pains and cost have I lavished on that
house, that, after all, it is dear to me. No, I would not lose the sweet
boon of your friendship, Frank. But beware."

"And of what? Of being in need? Oh, Charlie! you talk not to a god, a
being who in himself holds his own estate, but to a man who, being a
man, is the sport of fate's wind and wave, and who mounts towards heaven
or sinks towards hell, as the billows roll him in trough or on crest."

"Tut! Frank. Man is no such poor devil as that comes to--no poor
drifting sea-weed of the universe. Man has a soul; which, if he will,
puts him beyond fortune's finger and the future's spite. Don't whine
like fortune's whipped dog, Frank, or by the heart of a true friend, I
will cut ye."

"Cut me you have already, cruel Charlie, and to the quick. Call to mind
the days we went nutting, the times we walked in the woods, arms
wreathed about each other, showing trunks invined like the trees:--oh,
Charlie!"

"Pish! we were boys."

"Then lucky the fate of the first-born of Egypt, cold in the grave ere
maturity struck them with a sharper frost.--Charlie?"

"Fie! you're a girl."

"Help, help, Charlie, I want help!"

"Help? to say nothing of the friend, there is something wrong about the
man who wants help. There is somewhere a defect, a want, in brief, a
need, a crying need, somewhere about that man."

"So there is, Charlie.--Help, Help!"

"How foolish a cry, when to implore help, is itself the proof of
undesert of it."

"Oh, this, all along, is not you, Charlie, but some ventriloquist who
usurps your larynx. It is Mark Winsome that speaks, not Charlie."

"If so, thank heaven, the voice of Mark Winsome is not alien but
congenial to my larynx. If the philosophy of that illustrious teacher
find little response among mankind at large, it is less that they do not
possess teachable tempers, than because they are so unfortunate as not
to have natures predisposed to accord with him.

"Welcome, that compliment to humanity," exclaimed Frank with energy,
"the truer because unintended. And long in this respect may humanity
remain what you affirm it. And long it will; since humanity, inwardly
feeling how subject it is to straits, and hence how precious is help,
will, for selfishness' sake, if no other, long postpone ratifying a
philosophy that banishes help from the world. But Charlie, Charlie!
speak as you used to; tell me you will help me. Were the case reversed,
not less freely would I loan you the money than you would ask me to loan
it.

"_I_ ask? _I_ ask a loan? Frank, by this hand, under no circumstances
would I accept a loan, though without asking pressed on me. The
experience of China Aster might warn me."

"And what was that?"

"Not very unlike the experience of the man that built himself a palace
of moon-beams, and when the moon set was surprised that his palace
vanished with it. I will tell you about China Aster. I wish I could do
so in my own words, but unhappily the original story-teller here has so
tyrannized over me, that it is quite impossible for me to repeat his
incidents without sliding into his style. I forewarn you of this, that
you may not think me so maudlin as, in some parts, the story would seem
to make its narrator. It is too bad that any intellect, especially in so
small a matter, should have such power to impose itself upon another,
against its best exerted will, too. However, it is satisfaction to know
that the main moral, to which all tends, I fully approve. But, to
begin."

 Frank: Can I put my confidence in you? Egbert : Totes. Frank: I can has $100 now? Egbert: No. If I gave you monies as a freebie that's like giving to the poor, which would make us not equals. If we couldn't be on the same footing, we wouldn't be heart-mind friends. Frank: I'll pay you back. Egbert: Nah. I don't loan to friends. If I loaned to you, we'd stop being friends and would be business associates instead. Frank: Let's do that. Egbert: Okay. I'm going to charge you crazy high interest and demand a lot of proof backing you up and saying you have enough money to pay me back. Frank: I can't prove that, but can't you trust me as your friend? I'm going to pay you back, but I came to you because I can't go to the banks. Egbert: Tough. Besides, I picked you as a friend way back when because it looked like you were rich. I'd never pick a poor friend , but you losing your fortune and asking me for money is a kind of fraud, because I picked a not-poor friend and you ended up poor. This really sucks for me. Frank: That's gross, 'Charlie.' What if you needed the money? I'd help you. Egbert: Ew. First off, I wouldn't ask. Secondly, I would accept if you offered. I know about China Aster. Frank: Um, what? Egbert: I'll tell you, but not in my own words--I'll repeat the story exactly as I heard it. It's not my style of storytelling, but this version is seared in my brain.

