Chapter: Lily, lingering for a moment on the corner, looked out on the afternoon
spectacle of Fifth Avenue. It was a day in late April, and the sweetness
of spring was in the air. It mitigated the ugliness of the long crowded
thoroughfare, blurred the gaunt roof-lines, threw a mauve veil over the
discouraging perspective of the side streets, and gave a touch of poetry
to the delicate haze of green that marked the entrance to the Park.

As Lily stood there, she recognized several familiar faces in the passing
carriages. The season was over, and its ruling forces had disbanded; but
a few still lingered, delaying their departure for Europe, or passing
through town on their return from the South.  Among them was Mrs. Van
Osburgh, swaying majestically in her C-spring barouche, with Mrs. Percy
Gryce at her side, and the new heir to the Gryce millions enthroned
before them on his nurse's knees. They were succeeded by Mrs. Hatch's
electric victoria, in which that lady reclined in the lonely splendour of
a spring toilet obviously designed for company; and a moment or two later
came Judy Trenor, accompanied by Lady Skiddaw, who had come over for her
annual tarpon fishing and a dip into "the street."

This fleeting glimpse of her past served to emphasize the sense of
aimlessness with which Lily at length turned toward home. She had nothing
to do for the rest of the day, nor for the days to come; for the season
was over in millinery as well as in society, and a week earlier Mme.
Regina had notified her that her services were no longer required. Mme.
Regina always reduced her staff on the first of May, and Miss Bart's
attendance had of late been so irregular--she had so often been unwell,
and had done so little work when she came--that it was only as a favour
that her dismissal had hitherto been deferred.

Lily did not question the justice of the decision. She was conscious of
having been forgetful, awkward and slow to learn. It was bitter to
acknowledge her inferiority even to herself, but the fact had been
brought home to her that as a bread-winner she could never compete with
professional ability.  Since she had been brought up to be ornamental,
she could hardly blame herself for failing to serve any practical
purpose; but the discovery put an end to her consoling sense of universal
efficiency.

As she turned homeward her thoughts shrank in anticipation from the fact
that there would be nothing to get up for the next morning. The luxury of
lying late in bed was a pleasure belonging to the life of ease; it had no
part in the utilitarian existence of the boarding-house. She liked to
leave her room early, and to return to it as late as possible; and she
was walking slowly now in order to postpone the detested approach to her
doorstep.

But the doorstep, as she drew near it, acquired a sudden interest from
the fact that it was occupied--and indeed filled--by the conspicuous
figure of Mr. Rosedale, whose presence seemed to take on an added
amplitude from the meanness of his surroundings.

The sight stirred Lily with an irresistible sense of triumph.  Rosedale,
a day or two after their chance meeting, had called to enquire if she had
recovered from her indisposition; but since then she had not seen or
heard from him, and his absence seemed to betoken a struggle to keep
away, to let her pass once more out of his life. If this were the case,
his return showed that the struggle had been unsuccessful, for Lily knew
he was not the man to waste his time in an ineffectual sentimental
dalliance. He was too busy, too practical, and above all too much
preoccupied with his own advancement, to indulge in such unprofitable
asides.

In the peacock-blue parlour, with its bunches of dried pampas grass, and
discoloured steel engravings of sentimental episodes, he looked about him
with unconcealed disgust, laying his hat distrustfully on the dusty
console adorned with a Rogers statuette.

Lily sat down on one of the plush and rosewood sofas, and he deposited
himself in a rocking-chair draped with a starched antimacassar which
scraped unpleasantly against the pink fold of skin above his collar.

"My goodness--you can't go on living here!" he exclaimed.

Lily smiled at his tone. "I am not sure that I can; but I have gone over
my expenses very carefully, and I rather think I shall be able to manage
it."

"Be able to manage it? That's not what I mean--it's no place for you!"

"It's what I mean; for I have been out of work for the last week."

"Out of work--out of work! What a way for you to talk! The idea of your
having to work--it's preposterous." He brought out his sentences in short
violent jerks, as though they were forced up from a deep inner crater of
indignation. "It's a farce--a crazy farce," he repeated, his eyes fixed
on the long vista of the room reflected in the blotched glass between the
windows.

Lily continued to meet his expostulations with a smile. "I don't know why
I should regard myself as an exception----" she began.

"Because you ARE; that's why; and your being in a place like this is a
damnable outrage. I can't talk of it calmly."

She had in truth never seen him so shaken out of his usual glibness; and
there was something almost moving to her in his inarticulate struggle
with his emotions.

He rose with a start which left the rocking-chair quivering on its beam
ends, and placed himself squarely before her.

"Look here, Miss Lily, I'm going to Europe next week: going over to Paris
and London for a couple of months--and I can't leave you like this. I
can't do it. I know it's none of my business--you've let me understand
that often enough; but things are worse with you now than they have been
before, and you must see that you've got to accept help from somebody.
You spoke to me the other day about some debt to Trenor.  I know what you
mean--and I respect you for feeling as you do about it."

A blush of surprise rose to Lily's pale face, but before she could
interrupt him he had continued eagerly: "Well, I'll lend you the money to
pay Trenor; and I won't--I--see here, don't take me up till I've
finished. What I mean is, it'll be a plain business arrangement, such as
one man would make with another.  Now, what have you got to say against
that?"

Lily's blush deepened to a glow in which humiliation and gratitude were
mingled; and both sentiments revealed themselves in the unexpected
gentleness of her reply.

"Only this: that it is exactly what Gus Trenor proposed; and that I can
never again be sure of understanding the plainest business arrangement."
Then, realizing that this answer contained a germ of injustice, she
added, even more kindly: "Not that I don't appreciate your kindness--that
I'm not grateful for it. But a business arrangement between us would in
any case be impossible, because I shall have no security to give when my
debt to Gus Trenor has been paid."

Rosedale received this statement in silence: he seemed to feel the note
of finality in her voice, yet to be unable to accept it as closing the
question between them.

In the silence Lily had a clear perception of what was passing through
his mind. Whatever perplexity he felt as to the inexorableness of her
course--however little he penetrated its motive--she saw that it
unmistakably tended to strengthen her hold over him. It was as though the
sense in her of unexplained scruples and resistances had the same
attraction as the delicacy of feature, the fastidiousness of manner,
which gave her an external rarity, an air of being impossible to match.
As he advanced in social experience this uniqueness had acquired a
greater value for him, as though he were a collector who had learned to
distinguish minor differences of design and quality in some long-coveted
object.

Lily, perceiving all this, understood that he would marry her at once, on
the sole condition of a reconciliation with Mrs. Dorset; and the
temptation was the less easy to put aside because, little by little,
circumstances were breaking down her dislike for Rosedale. The dislike,
indeed, still subsisted; but it was penetrated here and there by the
perception of mitigating qualities in him: of a certain gross kindliness,
a rather helpless fidelity of sentiment, which seemed to be struggling
through the hard surface of his material ambitions.

Reading his dismissal in her eyes, he held out his hand with a gesture
which conveyed something of this inarticulate conflict.

"If you'd only let me, I'd set you up over them all--I'd put you where
you could wipe your feet on 'em!" he declared; and it touched her oddly
to see that his new passion had not altered his old standard of values.



Lily took no sleeping-drops that night. She lay awake viewing her
situation in the crude light which Rosedale's visit had shed on it. In
fending off the offer he was so plainly ready to renew, had she not
sacrificed to one of those abstract notions of honour that might be
called the conventionalities of the moral life?  What debt did she owe to
a social order which had condemned and banished her without trial?  She
had never been heard in her own defence; she was innocent of the charge
on which she had been found guilty; and the irregularity of her
conviction might seem to justify the use of methods as irregular in
recovering her lost rights. Bertha Dorset, to save herself, had not
scrupled to ruin her by an open falsehood; why should she hesitate to
make private use of the facts that chance had put in her way? After all,
half the opprobrium of such an act lies in the name attached to it.  Call
it blackmail and it becomes unthinkable; but explain that it injures no
one, and that the rights regained by it were unjustly forfeited, and he
must be a formalist indeed who can find no plea in its defence.

The arguments pleading for it with Lily were the old unanswerable ones of
the personal situation: the sense of injury, the sense of failure, the
passionate craving for a fair chance against the selfish despotism of
society. She had learned by experience that she had neither the aptitude
nor the moral constancy to remake her life on new lines; to become a
worker among workers, and let the world of luxury and pleasure sweep by
her unregarded. She could not hold herself much to blame for this
ineffectiveness, and she was perhaps less to blame than she believed.
Inherited tendencies had combined with early training to make her the
highly specialized product she was: an organism as helpless out of its
narrow range as the sea-anemone torn from the rock. She had been
fashioned to adorn and delight; to what other end does nature round the
rose-leaf and paint the humming-bird's breast?  And was it her fault that
the purely decorative mission is less easily and harmoniously fulfilled
among social beings than in the world of nature? That it is apt to be
hampered by material necessities or complicated by moral scruples?

These last were the two antagonistic forces which fought out their battle
in her breast during the long watches of the night; and when she rose the
next morning she hardly knew where the victory lay. She was exhausted by
the reaction of a night without sleep, coming after many nights of rest
artificially obtained; and in the distorting light of fatigue the future
stretched out before her grey, interminable and desolate.

She lay late in bed, refusing the coffee and fried eggs which the
friendly Irish servant thrust through her door, and hating the intimate
domestic noises of the house and the cries and rumblings of the street.
Her week of idleness had brought home to her with exaggerated force these
small aggravations of the boarding-house world, and she yearned for that
other luxurious world, whose machinery is so carefully concealed that one
scene flows into another without perceptible agency.

At length she rose and dressed. Since she had left Mme. Regina's she had
spent her days in the streets, partly to escape from the uncongenial
promiscuities of the boarding-house, and partly in the hope that physical
fatigue would help her to sleep. But once out of the house, she could not
decide where to go; for she had avoided Gerty since her dismissal from
the milliner's, and she was not sure of a welcome anywhere else.

The morning was in harsh contrast to the previous day. A cold grey sky
threatened rain, and a high wind drove the dust in wild spirals up and
down the streets. Lily walked up Fifth Avenue toward the Park, hoping to
find a sheltered nook where she might sit; but the wind chilled her, and
after an hour's wandering under the tossing boughs she yielded to her
increasing weariness, and took refuge in a little restaurant in
Fifty-ninth Street. She was not hungry, and had meant to go without
luncheon; but she was too tired to return home, and the long perspective
of white tables showed alluringly through the windows.

The room was full of women and girls, all too much engaged in the rapid
absorption of tea and pie to remark her entrance. A hum of shrill voices
reverberated against the low ceiling, leaving Lily shut out in a little
circle of silence. She felt a sudden pang of profound loneliness. She had
lost the sense of time, and it seemed to her as though she had not spoken
to any one for days. Her eyes sought the faces about her, craving a
responsive glance, some sign of an intuition of her trouble. But the
sallow preoccupied women, with their bags and note-books and rolls of
music, were all engrossed in their own affairs, and even those who sat by
themselves were busy running over proof-sheets or devouring magazines
between their hurried gulps of tea.  Lily alone was stranded in a great
waste of disoccupation.

She drank several cups of the tea which was served with her portion of
stewed oysters, and her brain felt clearer and livelier when she emerged
once more into the street. She realized now that, as she sat in the
restaurant, she had unconsciously arrived at a final decision. The
discovery gave her an immediate illusion of activity: it was exhilarating
to think that she had actually a reason for hurrying home.  To prolong
her enjoyment of the sensation she decided to walk; but the distance was
so great that she found herself glancing nervously at the clocks on the
way. One of the surprises of her unoccupied state was the discovery that
time, when it is left to itself and no definite demands are made on it,
cannot be trusted to move at any recognized pace.  Usually it loiters;
but just when one has come to count upon its slowness, it may suddenly
break into a wild irrational gallop.

She found, however, on reaching home, that the hour was still early
enough for her to sit down and rest a few minutes before putting her plan
into execution. The delay did not perceptibly weaken her resolve.  She
was frightened and yet stimulated by the reserved force of resolution
which she felt within herself: she saw it was going to be easier, a great
deal easier, than she had imagined.

At five o'clock she rose, unlocked her trunk, and took out a sealed
packet which she slipped into the bosom of her dress. Even the contact
with the packet did not shake her nerves as she had half-expected it
would. She seemed encased in a strong armour of indifference, as though
the vigorous exertion of her will had finally benumbed her finer
sensibilities.

She dressed herself once more for the street, locked her door and went
out. When she emerged on the pavement, the day was still high, but a
threat of rain darkened the sky and cold gusts shook the signs projecting
from the basement shops along the street. She reached Fifth Avenue and
began to walk slowly northward. She was sufficiently familiar with Mrs.
Dorset's habits to know that she could always be found at home after
five.  She might not, indeed, be accessible to visitors, especially to a
visitor so unwelcome, and against whom it was quite possible that she had
guarded herself by special orders; but Lily had written a note which she
meant to send up with her name, and which she thought would secure her
admission.

She had allowed herself time to walk to Mrs. Dorset's, thinking that the
quick movement through the cold evening air would help to steady her
nerves; but she really felt no need of being tranquillized. Her survey of
the situation remained calm and unwavering.

As she reached Fiftieth Street the clouds broke abruptly, and a rush of
cold rain slanted into her face. She had no umbrella and the moisture
quickly penetrated her thin spring dress. She was still half a mile from
her destination, and she decided to walk across to Madison Avenue and
take the electric car. As she turned into the side street, a vague memory
stirred in her. The row of budding trees, the new brick and limestone
house-fronts, the Georgian flat-house with flowerboxes on its balconies,
were merged together into the setting of a familiar scene.  It was down
this street that she had walked with Selden, that September day two years
ago; a few yards ahead was the doorway they had entered together. The
recollection loosened a throng of benumbed sensations--longings, regrets,
imaginings, the throbbing brood of the only spring her heart had ever
known. It was strange to find herself passing his house on such an
errand. She seemed suddenly to see her action as he would see it--and the
fact of his own connection with it, the fact that, to attain her end, she
must trade on his name, and profit by a secret of his past, chilled her
blood with shame. What a long way she had travelled since the day of
their first talk together!  Even then her feet had been set in the path
she was now following--even then she had resisted the hand he had held
out.

All her resentment of his fancied coldness was swept away in this
overwhelming rush of recollection. Twice he had been ready to help
her--to help her by loving her, as he had said--and if, the third time,
he had seemed to fail her, whom but herself could she accuse? . . .
Well, that part of her life was over; she did not know why her thoughts
still clung to it. But the sudden longing to see him remained; it grew to
hunger as she paused on the pavement opposite his door. The street was
dark and empty, swept by the rain. She had a vision of his quiet room, of
the bookshelves, and the fire on the hearth. She looked up and saw a
light in his window; then she crossed the street and entered the house.



The library looked as she had pictured it. The green-shaded lamps made
tranquil circles of light in the gathering dusk, a little fire flickered
on the hearth, and Selden's easy-chair, which stood near it, had been
pushed aside when he rose to admit her.

He had checked his first movement of surprise, and stood silent, waiting
for her to speak, while she paused a moment on the threshold, assailed by
a rush of memories.

The scene was unchanged. She recognized the row of shelves from which he
had taken down his La Bruyere, and the worn arm of the chair he had
leaned against while she examined the precious volume. But then the wide
September light had filled the room, making it seem a part of the outer
world: now the shaded lamps and the warm hearth, detaching it from the
gathering darkness of the street, gave it a sweeter touch of intimacy.

Becoming gradually aware of the surprise under Selden's silence, Lily
turned to him and said simply: "I came to tell you that I was sorry for
the way we parted--for what I said to you that day at Mrs. Hatch's."

The words rose to her lips spontaneously. Even on her way up the stairs,
she had not thought of preparing a pretext for her visit, but she now
felt an intense longing to dispel the cloud of misunderstanding that hung
between them.

Selden returned her look with a smile. "I was sorry too that we should
have parted in that way; but I am not sure I didn't bring it on myself.
Luckily I had foreseen the risk I was taking----"

"So that you really didn't care----?" broke from her with a flash of her
old irony.

"So that I was prepared for the consequences," he corrected
good-humouredly. "But we'll talk of all this later. Do come and sit by
the fire. I can recommend that arm-chair, if you'll let me put a cushion
behind you."

While he spoke she had moved slowly to the middle of the room, and paused
near his writing-table, where the lamp, striking upward, cast exaggerated
shadows on the pallour of her delicately-hollowed face.

"You look tired--do sit down," he repeated gently.

She did not seem to hear the request. "I wanted you to know that I left
Mrs. Hatch immediately after I saw you," she said, as though continuing
her confession.

"Yes--yes; I know," he assented, with a rising tinge of embarrassment.

"And that I did so because you told me to. Before you came I had already
begun to see that it would be impossible to remain with her--for the
reasons you gave me; but I wouldn't admit it--I wouldn't let you see that
I understood what you meant."

"Ah, I might have trusted you to find your own way out--don't overwhelm
me with the sense of my officiousness!"

His light tone, in which, had her nerves been steadier, she would have
recognized the mere effort to bridge over an awkward moment, jarred on
her passionate desire to be understood. In her strange state of
extra-lucidity, which gave her the sense of being already at the heart of
the situation, it seemed incredible that any one should think it
necessary to linger in the conventional outskirts of word-play and
evasion.

"It was not that--I was not ungrateful," she insisted. But the power of
expression failed her suddenly; she felt a tremor in her throat, and two
tears gathered and fell slowly from her eyes.

Selden moved forward and took her hand. "You are very tired. Why won't
you sit down and let me make you comfortable?"

He drew her to the arm-chair near the fire, and placed a cushion behind
her shoulders.

"And now you must let me make you some tea: you know I always have that
amount of hospitality at my command."

She shook her head, and two more tears ran over. But she did not weep
easily, and the long habit of self-control reasserted itself, though she
was still too tremulous to speak.

"You know I can coax the water to boil in five minutes," Selden
continued, speaking as though she were a troubled child.

His words recalled the vision of that other afternoon when they had sat
together over his tea-table and talked jestingly of her future. There
were moments when that day seemed more remote than any other event in her
life; and yet she could always relive it in its minutest detail.

She made a gesture of refusal. "No: I drink too much tea. I would rather
sit quiet--I must go in a moment," she added confusedly.

Selden continued to stand near her, leaning against the mantelpiece.  The
tinge of constraint was beginning to be more distinctly perceptible under
the friendly ease of his manner. Her self-absorption had not allowed her
to perceive it at first; but now that her consciousness was once more
putting forth its eager feelers, she saw that her presence was becoming
an embarrassment to him. Such a situation can be saved only by an
immediate outrush of feeling; and on Selden's side the determining
impulse was still lacking.

The discovery did not disturb Lily as it might once have done.  She had
passed beyond the phase of well-bred reciprocity, in which every
demonstration must be scrupulously proportioned to the emotion it
elicits, and generosity of feeling is the only ostentation condemned.
But the sense of loneliness returned with redoubled force as she saw
herself forever shut out from Selden's inmost self. She had come to him
with no definite purpose; the mere longing to see him had directed her;
but the secret hope she had carried with her suddenly revealed itself in
its death-pang.

"I must go," she repeated, making a motion to rise from her chair. "But I
may not see you again for a long time, and I wanted to tell you that I
have never forgotten the things you said to me at Bellomont, and that
sometimes--sometimes when I seemed farthest from remembering them--they
have helped me, and kept me from mistakes; kept me from really becoming
what many people have thought me."

Strive as she would to put some order in her thoughts, the words would
not come more clearly; yet she felt that she could not leave him without
trying to make him understand that she had saved herself whole from the
seeming ruin of her life.

A change had come over Selden's face as she spoke. Its guarded look had
yielded to an expression still untinged by personal emotion, but full of
a gentle understanding.

"I am glad to have you tell me that; but nothing I have said has really
made the difference. The difference is in yourself--it will always be
there. And since it IS there, it can't really matter to you what people
think: you are so sure that your friends will always understand you."

"Ah, don't say that--don't say that what you have told me has made no
difference. It seems to shut me out--to leave me all alone with the other
people." She had risen and stood before him, once more completely
mastered by the inner urgency of the moment.  The consciousness of his
half-divined reluctance had vanished.  Whether he wished it or not, he
must see her wholly for once before they parted.

Her voice had gathered strength, and she looked him gravely in the eyes
as she continued. "Once--twice--you gave me the chance to escape from my
life, and I refused it: refused it because I was a coward. Afterward I
saw my mistake--I saw I could never be happy with what had contented me
before. But it was too late: you had judged me--I understood. It was too
late for happiness--but not too late to be helped by the thought of what
I had missed.  That is all I have lived on--don't take it from me now!
Even in my worst moments it has been like a little light in the darkness.
Some women are strong enough to be good by themselves, but I needed the
help of your belief in me. Perhaps I might have resisted a great
temptation, but the little ones would have pulled me down. And then I
remembered--I remembered your saying that such a life could never satisfy
me; and I was ashamed to admit to myself that it could.  That is what you
did for me--that is what I wanted to thank you for. I wanted to tell you
that I have always remembered; and that I have tried--tried hard . . ."

She broke off suddenly. Her tears had risen again, and in drawing out her
handkerchief her fingers touched the packet in the folds of her dress. A
wave of colour suffused her, and the words died on her lips.  Then she
lifted her eyes to his and went on in an altered voice.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless
person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just
a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped
out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else. What can one do when one
finds that one only fits into one hole? One must get back to it or be
thrown out into the rubbish heap--and you don't know what it's like in
the rubbish heap!"

Her lips wavered into a smile--she had been distracted by the whimsical
remembrance of the confidences she had made to him, two years earlier, in
that very room. Then she had been planning to marry Percy Gryce--what was
it she was planning now?

The blood had risen strongly under Selden's dark skin, but his emotion
showed itself only in an added seriousness of manner.

"You have something to tell me--do you mean to marry?" he said abruptly.

Lily's eyes did not falter, but a look of wonder, of puzzled
self-interrogation, formed itself slowly in their depths. In the light of
his question, she had paused to ask herself if her decision had really
been taken when she entered the room.

"You always told me I should have to come to it sooner or later!" she
said with a faint smile.

"And you have come to it now?"

"I shall have to come to it--presently. But there is something else I
must come to first." She paused again, trying to transmit to her voice
the steadiness of her recovered smile. "There is some one I must say
goodbye to. Oh, not YOU--we are sure to see each other again--but the
Lily Bart you knew. I have kept her with me all this time, but now we are
going to part, and I have brought her back to you--I am going to leave
her here. When I go out presently she will not go with me. I shall like
to think that she has stayed with you--and she'll be no trouble, she'll
take up no room."

She went toward him, and put out her hand, still smiling. "Will you let
her stay with you?" she asked.

He caught her hand, and she felt in his the vibration of feeling that had
not yet risen to his lips. "Lily--can't I help you?" he exclaimed.

She looked at him gently. "Do you remember what you said to me once?
That you could help me only by loving me? Well--you did love me for a
moment; and it helped me. It has always helped me. But the moment is
gone--it was I who let it go. And one must go on living. Goodbye."

She laid her other hand on his, and they looked at each other with a kind
of solemnity, as though they stood in the presence of death.  Something
in truth lay dead between them--the love she had killed in him and could
no longer call to life. But something lived between them also, and leaped
up in her like an imperishable flame: it was the love his love had
kindled, the passion of her soul for his.

In its light everything else dwindled and fell away from her. She
understood now that she could not go forth and leave her old self with
him: that self must indeed live on in his presence, but it must still
continue to be hers.

Selden had retained her hand, and continued to scrutinize her with a
strange sense of foreboding. The external aspect of the situation had
vanished for him as completely as for her: he felt it only as one of
those rare moments which lift the veil from their faces as they pass.

"Lily," he said in a low voice, "you mustn't speak in this way. I can't
let you go without knowing what you mean to do. Things may change--but
they don't pass. You can never go out of my life."

She met his eyes with an illumined look. "No," she said. "I see that now.
Let us always be friends. Then I shall feel safe, whatever happens."

"Whatever happens? What do you mean? What is going to happen?"

She turned away quietly and walked toward the hearth.

"Nothing at present--except that I am very cold, and that before I go you
must make up the fire for me."

She knelt on the hearth-rug, stretching her hands to the embers.  Puzzled
by the sudden change in her tone, he mechanically gathered a handful of
wood from the basket and tossed it on the fire. As he did so, he noticed
how thin her hands looked against the rising light of the flames. He saw
too, under the loose lines of her dress, how the curves of her figure had
shrunk to angularity; he remembered long afterward how the red play of
the flame sharpened the depression of her nostrils, and intensified the
blackness of the shadows which struck up from her cheekbones to her eyes.
She knelt there for a few moments in silence; a silence which he dared
not break. When she rose he fancied that he saw her draw something from
her dress and drop it into the fire; but he hardly noticed the gesture at
the time. His faculties seemed tranced, and he was still groping for the
word to break the spell. She went up to him and laid her hands on his
shoulders.  "Goodbye," she said, and as he bent over her she touched his
forehead with her lips.



The street-lamps were lit, but the rain had ceased, and there was a
momentary revival of light in the upper sky. Lily walked on unconscious
of her surroundings. She was still treading the buoyant ether which
emanates from the high moments of life. But gradually it shrank away from
her and she felt the dull pavement beneath her feet. The sense of
weariness returned with accumulated force, and for a moment she felt that
she could walk no farther. She had reached the corner of Forty-first
Street and Fifth Avenue, and she remembered that in Bryant Park there
were seats where she might rest.

That melancholy pleasure-ground was almost deserted when she entered it,
and she sank down on an empty bench in the glare of an electric
street-lamp. The warmth of the fire had passed out of her veins, and she
told herself that she must not sit long in the penetrating dampness which
struck up from the wet asphalt. But her will-power seemed to have spent
itself in a last great effort, and she was lost in the blank reaction
which follows on an unwonted expenditure of energy. And besides, what was
there to go home to? Nothing but the silence of her cheerless room--that
silence of the night which may be more racking to tired nerves than the
most discordant noises: that, and the bottle of chloral by her bed. The
thought of the chloral was the only spot of light in the dark prospect:
she could feel its lulling influence stealing over her already. But she
was troubled by the thought that it was losing its power--she dared not
go back to it too soon. Of late the sleep it had brought her had been
more broken and less profound; there had been nights when she was
perpetually floating up through it to consciousness. What if the effect
of the drug should gradually fail, as all narcotics were said to fail?
She remembered the chemist's warning against increasing the dose; and she
had heard before of the capricious and incalculable action of the drug.
Her dread of returning to a sleepless night was so great that she
lingered on, hoping that excessive weariness would reinforce the waning
power of the chloral.

Night had now closed in, and the roar of traffic in Forty-second Street
was dying out. As complete darkness fell on the square the lingering
occupants of the benches rose and dispersed; but now and then a stray
figure, hurrying homeward, struck across the path where Lily sat, looming
black for a moment in the white circle of electric light. One or two of
these passers-by slackened their pace to glance curiously at her lonely
figure; but she was hardly conscious of their scrutiny.

Suddenly, however, she became aware that one of the passing shadows
remained stationary between her line of vision and the gleaming asphalt;
and raising her eyes she saw a young woman bending over her.

"Excuse me--are you sick?--Why, it's Miss Bart!" a half-familiar voice
exclaimed.

Lily looked up. The speaker was a poorly-dressed young woman with a
bundle under her arm. Her face had the air of unwholesome refinement
which ill-health and over-work may produce, but its common prettiness was
redeemed by the strong and generous curve of the lips.

"You don't remember me," she continued, brightening with the pleasure of
recognition, "but I'd know you anywhere, I've thought of you such a lot.
I guess my folks all know your name by heart.  I was one of the girls at
Miss Farish's club--you helped me to go to the country that time I had
lung-trouble. My name's Nettie Struther. It was Nettie Crane then--but I
daresay you don't remember that either."

Yes: Lily was beginning to remember. The episode of Nettie Crane's timely
rescue from disease had been one of the most satisfying incidents of her
connection with Gerty's charitable work. She had furnished the girl with
the means to go to a sanatorium in the mountains: it struck her now with
a peculiar irony that the money she had used had been Gus Trenor's.

She tried to reply, to assure the speaker that she had not forgotten; but
her voice failed in the effort, and she felt herself sinking under a
great wave of physical weakness. Nettie Struther, with a startled
exclamation, sat down and slipped a shabbily-clad arm behind her back.

"Why, Miss Bart, you ARE sick. Just lean on me a little till you feel
better."

A faint glow of returning strength seemed to pass into Lily from the
pressure of the supporting arm.

"I'm only tired--it is nothing," she found voice to say in a moment; and
then, as she met the timid appeal of her companion's eyes, she added
involuntarily: "I have been unhappy--in great trouble."

"YOU in trouble? I've always thought of you as being so high up, where
everything was just grand. Sometimes, when I felt real mean, and got to
wondering why things were so queerly fixed in the world, I used to
remember that you were having a lovely time, anyhow, and that seemed to
show there was a kind of justice somewhere. But you mustn't sit here too
long--it's fearfully damp. Don't you feel strong enough to walk on a
little ways now?" she broke off.

"Yes--yes; I must go home," Lily murmured, rising.

Her eyes rested wonderingly on the thin shabby figure at her side. She
had known Nettie Crane as one of the discouraged victims of over-work and
anaemic parentage: one of the superfluous fragments of life destined to
be swept prematurely into that social refuse-heap of which Lily had so
lately expressed her dread. But Nettie Struther's frail envelope was now
alive with hope and energy: whatever fate the future reserved for her,
she would not be cast into the refuse-heap without a struggle.

"I am very glad to have seen you," Lily continued, summoning a smile to
her unsteady lips. "It'll be my turn to think of you as happy--and the
world will seem a less unjust place to me too."

"Oh, but I can't leave you like this--you're not fit to go home alone.
And I can't go with you either!" Nettie Struther wailed with a start of
recollection. "You see, it's my husband's night-shift--he's a
motor-man--and the friend I leave the baby with has to step upstairs to
get HER husband's supper at seven. I didn't tell you I had a baby, did I?
She'll be four months old day after tomorrow, and to look at her you
wouldn't think I'd ever had a sick day. I'd give anything to show you the
baby, Miss Bart, and we live right down the street here--it's only three
blocks off." She lifted her eyes tentatively to Lily's face, and then
added with a burst of courage: "Why won't you get right into the cars and
come home with me while I get baby's supper?  It's real warm in our
kitchen, and you can rest there, and I'll take YOU home as soon as ever
she drops off to sleep."

It WAS warm in the kitchen, which, when Nettie Struther's match had made
a flame leap from the gas-jet above the table, revealed itself to Lily as
extraordinarily small and almost miraculously clean. A fire shone through
the polished flanks of the iron stove, and near it stood a crib in which
a baby was sitting upright, with incipient anxiety struggling for
expression on a countenance still placid with sleep.

Having passionately celebrated her reunion with her offspring, and
excused herself in cryptic language for the lateness of her return,
Nettie restored the baby to the crib and shyly invited Miss Bart to the
rocking-chair near the stove.

"We've got a parlour too," she explained with pardonable pride; "but I
guess it's warmer in here, and I don't want to leave you alone while I'm
getting baby's supper."

On receiving Lily's assurance that she much preferred the friendly
proximity of the kitchen fire, Mrs. Struther proceeded to prepare a
bottle of infantile food, which she tenderly applied to the baby's
impatient lips; and while the ensuing degustation went on, she seated
herself with a beaming countenance beside her visitor.

"You're sure you won't let me warm up a drop of coffee for you, Miss
Bart? There's some of baby's fresh milk left over--well, maybe you'd
rather just sit quiet and rest a little while. It's too lovely having you
here. I've thought of it so often that I can't believe it's really come
true. I've said to George again and again: 'I just wish Miss Bart could
see me NOW--' and I used to watch for your name in the papers, and we'd
talk over what you were doing, and read the descriptions of the dresses
you wore. I haven't seen your name for a long time, though, and I began
to be afraid you were sick, and it worried me so that George said I'd get
sick myself, fretting about it." Her lips broke into a reminiscent smile.
"Well, I can't afford to be sick again, that's a fact: the last spell
nearly finished me. When you sent me off that time I never thought I'd
come back alive, and I didn't much care if I did. You see I didn't know
about George and the baby then."

She paused to readjust the bottle to the child's bubbling mouth.

"You precious--don't you be in too much of a hurry! Was it mad with
mommer for getting its supper so late? Marry Anto'nette--that's what we
call her: after the French queen in that play at the Garden--I told
George the actress reminded me of you, and that made me fancy the
name . . . I never thought I'd get married, you know, and I'd never have
had the heart to go on working just for myself."

She broke off again, and meeting the encouragement in Lily's eyes, went
on, with a flush rising under her anaemic skin: "You see I wasn't only
just SICK that time you sent me off--I was dreadfully unhappy too. I'd
known a gentleman where I was employed--I don't know as you remember I
did type-writing in a big importing firm--and--well--I thought we were to
be married: he'd gone steady with me six months and given me his mother's
wedding ring. But I presume he was too stylish for me--he travelled for
the firm, and had seen a great deal of society.  Work girls aren't looked
after the way you are, and they don't always know how to look after
themselves. I didn't . . . and it pretty near killed me when he went away
and left off writing . . .

"It was then I came down sick--I thought it was the end of everything. I
guess it would have been if you hadn't sent me off.  But when I found I
was getting well I began to take heart in spite of myself.  And then,
when I got back home, George came round and asked me to marry him. At
first I thought I couldn't, because we'd been brought up together, and I
knew he knew about me. But after a while I began to see that that made it
easier. I never could have told another man, and I'd never have married
without telling; but if George cared for me enough to have me as I was, I
didn't see why I shouldn't begin over again--and I did."

The strength of the victory shone forth from her as she lifted her
irradiated face from the child on her knees. "But, mercy, I didn't mean
to go on like this about myself, with you sitting there looking so fagged
out. Only it's so lovely having you here, and letting you see just how
you've helped me." The baby had sunk back blissfully replete, and Mrs.
Struther softly rose to lay the bottle aside. Then she paused before Miss
Bart.

"I only wish I could help YOU--but I suppose there's nothing on earth I
could do," she murmured wistfully.

Lily, instead of answering, rose with a smile and held out her arms; and
the mother, understanding the gesture, laid her child in them.

The baby, feeling herself detached from her habitual anchorage, made an
instinctive motion of resistance; but the soothing influences of
digestion prevailed, and Lily felt the soft weight sink trustfully
against her breast. The child's confidence in its safety thrilled her
with a sense of warmth and returning life, and she bent over, wondering
at the rosy blur of the little face, the empty clearness of the eyes, the
vague tendrilly motions of the folding and unfolding fingers. At first
the burden in her arms seemed as light as a pink cloud or a heap of down,
but as she continued to hold it the weight increased, sinking deeper, and
penetrating her with a strange sense of weakness, as though the child
entered into her and became a part of herself.

She looked up, and saw Nettie's eyes resting on her with tenderness and
exultation.

"Wouldn't it be too lovely for anything if she could grow up to be just
like you? Of course I know she never COULD--but mothers are always
dreaming the craziest things for their children."

Lily clasped the child close for a moment and laid her back in her
mother's arms.

"Oh, she must not do that--I should be afraid to come and see her too
often!" she said with a smile; and then, resisting Mrs. Struther's
anxious offer of companionship, and reiterating the promise that of
course she would come back soon, and make George's acquaintance, and see
the baby in her bath, she passed out of the kitchen and went alone down
the tenement stairs.



As she reached the street she realized that she felt stronger and
happier: the little episode had done her good. It was the first time she
had ever come across the results of her spasmodic benevolence, and the
surprised sense of human fellowship took the mortal chill from her heart.

It was not till she entered her own door that she felt the reaction of a
deeper loneliness. It was long after seven o'clock, and the light and
odours proceeding from the basement made it manifest that the
boarding-house dinner had begun. She hastened up to her room, lit the
gas, and began to dress. She did not mean to pamper herself any longer,
to go without food because her surroundings made it unpalatable. Since it
was her fate to live in a boarding-house, she must learn to fall in with
the conditions of the life. Nevertheless she was glad that, when she
descended to the heat and glare of the dining-room, the repast was nearly
over.



In her own room again, she was seized with a sudden fever of activity.
For weeks past she had been too listless and indifferent to set her
possessions in order, but now she began to examine systematically the
contents of her drawers and cupboard.  She had a few handsome dresses
left--survivals of her last phase of splendour, on the Sabrina and in
London--but when she had been obliged to part with her maid she had given
the woman a generous share of her cast-off apparel. The remaining
dresses, though they had lost their freshness, still kept the long
unerring lines, the sweep and amplitude of the great artist's stroke, and
as she spread them out on the bed the scenes in which they had been worn
rose vividly before her. An association lurked in every fold: each fall
of lace and gleam of embroidery was like a letter in the record of her
past. She was startled to find how the atmosphere of her old life
enveloped her. But, after all, it was the life she had been made for:
every dawning tendency in her had been carefully directed toward it, all
her interests and activities had been taught to centre around it.  She
was like some rare flower grown for exhibition, a flower from which every
bud had been nipped except the crowning blossom of her beauty.

Last of all, she drew forth from the bottom of her trunk a heap of white
drapery which fell shapelessly across her arm. It was the Reynolds dress
she had worn in the Bry TABLEAUX. It had been impossible for her to give
it away, but she had never seen it since that night, and the long
flexible folds, as she shook them out, gave forth an odour of violets
which came to her like a breath from the flower-edged fountain where she
had stood with Lawrence Selden and disowned her fate. She put back the
dresses one by one, laying away with each some gleam of light, some note
of laughter, some stray waft from the rosy shores of pleasure. She was
still in a state of highly-wrought impressionability, and every hint of
the past sent a lingering tremor along her nerves.

She had just closed her trunk on the white folds of the Reynolds dress
when she heard a tap at her door, and the red fist of the Irish
maid-servant thrust in a belated letter. Carrying it to the light, Lily
read with surprise the address stamped on the upper corner of the
envelope. It was a business communication from the office of her aunt's
executors, and she wondered what unexpected development had caused them
to break silence before the appointed time. She opened the envelope and a
cheque fluttered to the floor. As she stooped to pick it up the blood
rushed to her face.  The cheque represented the full amount of Mrs.
Peniston's legacy, and the letter accompanying it explained that the
executors, having adjusted the business of the estate with less delay
than they had expected, had decided to anticipate the date fixed for the
payment of the bequests.

Lily sat down beside the desk at the foot of her bed, and spreading out
the cheque, read over and over the TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS written across it
in a steely business hand. Ten months earlier the amount it stood for had
represented the depths of penury; but her standard of values had changed
in the interval, and now visions of wealth lurked in every flourish of
the pen. As she continued to gaze at it, she felt the glitter of the
visions mounting to her brain, and after a while she lifted the lid of
the desk and slipped the magic formula out of sight.  It was easier to
think without those five figures dancing before her eyes; and she had a
great deal of thinking to do before she slept.

She opened her cheque-book, and plunged into such anxious calculations as
had prolonged her vigil at Bellomont on the night when she had decided to
marry Percy Gryce. Poverty simplifies book-keeping, and her financial
situation was easier to ascertain than it had been then; but she had not
yet learned the control of money, and during her transient phase of
luxury at the Emporium she had slipped back into habits of extravagance
which still impaired her slender balance. A careful examination of her
cheque-book, and of the unpaid bills in her desk, showed that, when the
latter had been settled, she would have barely enough to live on for the
next three or four months; and even after that, if she were to continue
her present way of living, without earning any additional money, all
incidental expenses must be reduced to the vanishing point. She hid her
eyes with a shudder, beholding herself at the entrance of that
ever-narrowing perspective down which she had seen Miss Silverton's dowdy
figure take its despondent way.

It was no longer, however, from the vision of material poverty that she
turned with the greatest shrinking. She had a sense of deeper
empoverishment--of an inner destitution compared to which outward
conditions dwindled into insignificance. It was indeed miserable to be
poor--to look forward to a shabby, anxious middle-age, leading by dreary
degrees of economy and self-denial to gradual absorption in the dingy
communal existence of the boarding-house. But there was something more
miserable still--it was the clutch of solitude at her heart, the sense of
being swept like a stray uprooted growth down the heedless current of the
years. That was the feeling which possessed her now--the feeling of being
something rootless and ephemeral, mere spin-drift of the whirling surface
of existence, without anything to which the poor little tentacles of self
could cling before the awful flood submerged them. And as she looked back
she saw that there had never been a time when she had had any real
relation to life. Her parents too had been rootless, blown hither and
thither on every wind of fashion, without any personal existence to
shelter them from its shifting gusts. She herself had grown up without
any one spot of earth being dearer to her than another: there was no
centre of early pieties, of grave endearing traditions, to which her
heart could revert and from which it could draw strength for itself and
tenderness for others. In whatever form a slowly-accumulated past lives
in the blood--whether in the concrete image of the old house stored with
visual memories, or in the conception of the house not built with hands,
but made up of inherited passions and loyalties--it has the same power of
broadening and deepening the individual existence, of attaching it by
mysterious links of kinship to all the mighty sum of human striving.

Such a vision of the solidarity of life had never before come to Lily.
She had had a premonition of it in the blind motions of her
mating-instinct; but they had been checked by the disintegrating
influences of the life about her. All the men and women she knew were
like atoms whirling away from each other in some wild centrifugal dance:
her first glimpse of the continuity of life had come to her that evening
in Nettie Struther's kitchen.

The poor little working-girl who had found strength to gather up the
fragments of her life, and build herself a shelter with them, seemed to
Lily to have reached the central truth of existence. It was a meagre
enough life, on the grim edge of poverty, with scant margin for
possibilities of sickness or mischance, but it had the frail audacious
permanence of a bird's nest built on the edge of a cliff--a mere wisp of
leaves and straw, yet so put together that the lives entrusted to it may
hang safely over the abyss.

Yes--but it had taken two to build the nest; the man's faith as well as
the woman's courage. Lily remembered Nettie's words: I KNEW HE KNEW ABOUT
ME. Her husband's faith in her had made her renewal possible--it is so
easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be!
Well--Selden had twice been ready to stake his faith on Lily Bart; but
the third trial had been too severe for his endurance. The very quality
of his love had made it the more impossible to recall to life.  If it had
been a simple instinct of the blood, the power of her beauty might have
revived it. But the fact that it struck deeper, that it was inextricably
wound up with inherited habits of thought and feeling, made it as
impossible to restore to growth as a deep-rooted plant torn from its bed.
Selden had given her of his best; but he was as incapable as herself of
an uncritical return to former states of feeling.

There remained to her, as she had told him, the uplifting memory of his
faith in her; but she had not reached the age when a woman can live on
her memories. As she held Nettie Struther's child in her arms the frozen
currents of youth had loosed themselves and run warm in her veins: the
old life-hunger possessed her, and all her being clamoured for its share
of personal happiness. Yes--it was happiness she still wanted, and the
glimpse she had caught of it made everything else of no account. One by
one she had detached herself from the baser possibilities, and she saw
that nothing now remained to her but the emptiness of renunciation.

It was growing late, and an immense weariness once more possessed her.
It was not the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a
wan lucidity of mind against which all the possibilities of the future
were shadowed forth gigantically. She was appalled by the intense
cleanness of the vision; she seemed to have broken through the merciful
veil which intervenes between intention and action, and to see exactly
what she would do in all the long days to come. There was the cheque in
her desk, for instance--she meant to use it in paying her debt to Trenor;
but she foresaw that when the morning came she would put off doing so,
would slip into gradual tolerance of the debt. The thought terrified
her--she dreaded to fall from the height of her last moment with Lawrence
Selden. But how could she trust herself to keep her footing? She knew the
strength of the opposing impulses-she could feel the countless hands of
habit dragging her back into some fresh compromise with fate. She felt an
intense longing to prolong, to perpetuate, the momentary exaltation of
her spirit. If only life could end now--end on this tragic yet sweet
vision of lost possibilities, which gave her a sense of kinship with all
the loving and foregoing in the world!

She reached out suddenly and, drawing the cheque from her writing-desk,
enclosed it in an envelope which she addressed to her bank. She then
wrote out a cheque for Trenor, and placing it, without an accompanying
word, in an envelope inscribed with his name, laid the two letters side
by side on her desk. After that she continued to sit at the table,
sorting her papers and writing, till the intense silence of the house
reminded her of the lateness of the hour. In the street the noise of
wheels had ceased, and the rumble of the "elevated" came only at long
intervals through the deep unnatural hush. In the mysterious nocturnal
separation from all outward signs of life, she felt herself more
strangely confronted with her fate. The sensation made her brain reel,
and she tried to shut out consciousness by pressing her hands against her
eyes. But the terrible silence and emptiness seemed to symbolize her
future--she felt as though the house, the street, the world were all
empty, and she alone left sentient in a lifeless universe.

But this was the verge of delirium . . . she had never hung so near the
dizzy brink of the unreal. Sleep was what she wanted--she remembered that
she had not closed her eyes for two nights. The little bottle was at her
bed-side, waiting to lay its spell upon her. She rose and undressed
hastily, hungering now for the touch of her pillow. She felt so
profoundly tired that she thought she must fall asleep at once; but as
soon as she had lain down every nerve started once more into separate
wakefulness. It was as though a great blaze of electric light had been
turned on in her head, and her poor little anguished self shrank and
cowered in it, without knowing where to take refuge.

She had not imagined that such a multiplication of wakefulness was
possible: her whole past was reenacting itself at a hundred different
points of consciousness. Where was the drug that could still this legion
of insurgent nerves? The sense of exhaustion would have been sweet
compared to this shrill beat of activities; but weariness had dropped
from her as though some cruel stimulant had been forced into her veins.

She could bear it--yes, she could bear it; but what strength would be
left her the next day? Perspective had disappeared--the next day pressed
close upon her, and on its heels came the days that were to follow--they
swarmed about her like a shrieking mob.  She must shut them out for a few
hours; she must take a brief bath of oblivion. She put out her hand, and
measured the soothing drops into a glass; but as she did so, she knew
they would be powerless against the supernatural lucidity of her brain.
She had long since raised the dose to its highest limit, but tonight she
felt she must increase it. She knew she took a slight risk in doing
so--she remembered the chemist's warning.  If sleep came at all, it might
be a sleep without waking. But after all that was but one chance in a
hundred: the action of the drug was incalculable, and the addition of a
few drops to the regular dose would probably do no more than procure for
her the rest she so desperately needed....

She did not, in truth, consider the question very closely--the physical
craving for sleep was her only sustained sensation. Her mind shrank from
the glare of thought as instinctively as eyes contract in a blaze of
light--darkness, darkness was what she must have at any cost. She raised
herself in bed and swallowed the contents of the glass; then she blew out
her candle and lay down.

She lay very still, waiting with a sensuous pleasure for the first
effects of the soporific. She knew in advance what form they would
take--the gradual cessation of the inner throb, the soft approach of
passiveness, as though an invisible hand made magic passes over her in
the darkness. The very slowness and hesitancy of the effect increased its
fascination: it was delicious to lean over and look down into the dim
abysses of unconsciousness. Tonight the drug seemed to work more slowly
than usual: each passionate pulse had to be stilled in turn, and it was
long before she felt them dropping into abeyance, like sentinels falling
asleep at their posts. But gradually the sense of complete subjugation
came over her, and she wondered languidly what had made her feel so
uneasy and excited. She saw now that there was nothing to be excited
about--she had returned to her normal view of life. Tomorrow would not be
so difficult after all: she felt sure that she would have the strength to
meet it.  She did not quite remember what it was that she had been afraid
to meet, but the uncertainty no longer troubled her. She had been
unhappy, and now she was happy--she had felt herself alone, and now the
sense of loneliness had vanished.

She stirred once, and turned on her side, and as she did so, she suddenly
understood why she did not feel herself alone. It was odd--but Nettie
Struther's child was lying on her arm: she felt the pressure of its
little head against her shoulder. She did not know how it had come there,
but she felt no great surprise at the fact, only a gentle penetrating
thrill of warmth and pleasure.  She settled herself into an easier
position, hollowing her arm to pillow the round downy head, and holding
her breath lest a sound should disturb the sleeping child.

As she lay there she said to herself that there was something she must
tell Selden, some word she had found that should make life clear between
them. She tried to repeat the word, which lingered vague and luminous on
the far edge of thought--she was afraid of not remembering it when she
woke; and if she could only remember it and say it to him, she felt that
everything would be well.

Slowly the thought of the word faded, and sleep began to enfold her.  She
struggled faintly against it, feeling that she ought to keep awake on
account of the baby; but even this feeling was gradually lost in an
indistinct sense of drowsy peace, through which, of a sudden, a dark
flash of loneliness and terror tore its way.

She started up again, cold and trembling with the shock: for a moment she
seemed to have lost her hold of the child. But no--she was mistaken--the
tender pressure of its body was still close to hers: the recovered warmth
flowed through her once more, she yielded to it, sank into it, and slept.



The next morning rose mild and bright, with a promise of summer in the
air. The sunlight slanted joyously down Lily's street, mellowed the
blistered house-front, gilded the paintless railings of the door-step,
and struck prismatic glories from the panes of her darkened window.

When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication in
its breath; and Selden, hastening along the street through the squalor of
its morning confidences, felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of
adventure. He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit, and
launched himself on uncharted seas of emotion; all the old tests and
measures were left behind, and his course was to be shaped by new stars.

That course, for the moment, led merely to Miss Bart's boarding-house;
but its shabby door-step had suddenly become the threshold of the
untried. As he approached he looked up at the triple row of windows,
wondering boyishly which one of them was hers. It was nine o'clock, and
the house, being tenanted by workers, already showed an awakened front to
the street. He remembered afterward having noticed that only one blind
was down.  He noticed too that there was a pot of pansies on one of the
window sills, and at once concluded that the window must be hers: it was
inevitable that he should connect her with the one touch of beauty in the
dingy scene.

Nine o'clock was an early hour for a visit, but Selden had passed beyond
all such conventional observances. He only knew that he must see Lily
Bart at once--he had found the word he meant to say to her, and it could
not wait another moment to be said. It was strange that it had not come
to his lips sooner--that he had let her pass from him the evening before
without being able to speak it. But what did that matter, now that a new
day had come? It was not a word for twilight, but for the morning.

Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell; and even in his
state of self-absorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door
should open so promptly. It was still more of a surprise to see, as he
entered, that it had been opened by Gerty Farish--and that behind her, in
an agitated blur, several other figures ominously loomed.

"Lawrence!" Gerty cried in a strange voice, "how could you get here so
quickly?"--and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed instantly to
close about his heart.

He noticed the other faces, vague with fear and conjecture--he saw the
landlady's imposing bulk sway professionally toward him; but he shrank
back, putting up his hand, while his eyes mechanically mounted the steep
black walnut stairs, up which he was immediately aware that his cousin
was about to lead him.

A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any
minute--and that nothing, upstairs, was to be disturbed. Some one else
exclaimed: "It was the greatest mercy--" then Selden felt that Gerty had
taken him gently by the hand, and that they were to be suffered to go up
alone.

In silence they mounted the three flights, and walked along the passage
to a closed door. Gerty opened the door, and Selden went in after her.
Though the blind was down, the irresistible sunlight poured a tempered
golden flood into the room, and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed
along the wall, and on the bed, with motionless hands and calm
unrecognizing face, the semblance of Lily Bart.

That it was her real self, every pulse in him ardently denied.  Her real
self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier--what had he to
do with this estranged and tranquil face which, for the first time,
neither paled nor brightened at his coming?

Gerty, strangely tranquil too, with the conscious self-control of one who
has ministered to much pain, stood by the bed, speaking gently, as if
transmitting a final message.

"The doctor found a bottle of chloral--she had been sleeping badly for a
long time, and she must have taken an overdose by mistake.... There is no
doubt of that--no doubt--there will be no question--he has been very
kind. I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her--to
go over her things before any one else comes. I know it is what she would
have wished."

Selden was hardly conscious of what she said. He stood looking down on
the sleeping face which seemed to lie like a delicate impalpable mask
over the living lineaments he had known.  He felt that the real Lily was
still there, close to him, yet invisible and inaccessible; and the
tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a sense of
helplessness. There had never been more than a little impalpable barrier
between them--and yet he had suffered it to keep them apart!  And now,
though it seemed slighter and frailer than ever, it had suddenly hardened
to adamant, and he might beat his life out against it in vain.

He had dropped on his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Gerty
aroused him. He stood up, and as their eyes met he was struck by the
extraordinary light in his cousin's face.

"You understand what the doctor has gone for? He has promised that there
shall be no trouble--but of course the formalities must be gone through.
And I asked him to give us time to look through her things first----"

He nodded, and she glanced about the small bare room. "It won't take
long," she concluded.

"No--it won't take long," he agreed.

She held his hand in hers a moment longer, and then, with a last look at
the bed, moved silently toward the door. On the threshold she paused to
add: "You will find me downstairs if you want me."

Selden roused himself to detain her. "But why are you going? She would
have wished----"

Gerty shook her head with a smile. "No: this is what she would have
wished----" and as she spoke a light broke through Selden's stony misery,
and he saw deep into the hidden things of love.

The door closed on Gerty, and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper
on the bed. His impulse was to return to her side, to fall on his knees,
and rest his throbbing head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow.
They had never been at peace together, they two; and now he felt himself
drawn downward into the strange mysterious depths of her tranquillity.

But he remembered Gerty's warning words--he knew that, though time had
ceased in this room, its feet were hastening relentlessly toward the
door. Gerty had given him this supreme half-hour, and he must use it as
she willed.

He turned and looked about him, sternly compelling himself to regain his
consciousness of outward things. There was very little furniture in the
room. The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover, and set
out with a few gold-topped boxes and bottles, a rose-coloured
pin-cushion, a glass tray strewn with tortoise-shell hair-pins--he shrank
from the poignant intimacy of these trifles, and from the blank surface
of the toilet-mirror above them.

These were the only traces of luxury, of that clinging to the minute
observance of personal seemliness, which showed what her other
renunciations must have cost. There was no other token of her personality
about the room, unless it showed itself in the scrupulous neatness of the
scant articles of furniture: a washing-stand, two chairs, a small
writing-desk, and the little table near the bed. On this table stood the
empty bottle and glass, and from these also he averted his eyes.

The desk was closed, but on its slanting lid lay two letters which he
took up. One bore the address of a bank, and as it was stamped and
sealed, Selden, after a moment's hesitation, laid it aside. On the other
letter he read Gus Trenor's name; and the flap of the envelope was still
ungummed.

Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a knife. He staggered under it,
steadying himself against the desk. Why had she been writing to
Trenor--writing, presumably, just after their parting of the previous
evening? The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour, made a mock
of the word he had come to speak, and defiled even the reconciling
silence upon which it fell. He felt himself flung back on all the ugly
uncertainties from which he thought he had cast loose forever. After all,
what did he know of her life? Only as much as she had chosen to show him,
and measured by the world's estimate, how little that was! By what
right--the letter in his hand seemed to ask--by what right was it he who
now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left
unbarred? His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour
together, the hour when she herself had placed the key in his hand.
Yes--but what if the letter to Trenor had been written afterward?

He put it from him with sudden loathing, and setting his lips, addressed
himself resolutely to what remained of his task. After all, that task
would be easier to perform, now that his personal stake in it was
annulled.

He raised the lid of the desk, and saw within it a cheque-book and a few
packets of bills and letters, arranged with the orderly precision which
characterized all her personal habits. He looked through the letters
first, because it was the most difficult part of the work. They proved to
be few and unimportant, but among them he found, with a strange commotion
of the heart, the note he had written her the day after the Brys'
entertainment.

"When may I come to you?"--his words overwhelmed him with a realization
of the cowardice which had driven him from her at the very moment of
attainment. Yes--he had always feared his fate, and he was too honest to
disown his cowardice now; for had not all his old doubts started to life
again at the mere sight of Trenor's name?

He laid the note in his card-case, folding it away carefully, as
something made precious by the fact that she had held it so; then,
growing once more aware of the lapse of time, he continued his
examination of the papers.

To his surprise, he found that all the bills were receipted; there was
not an unpaid account among them. He opened the cheque-book, and saw
that, the very night before, a cheque of ten thousand dollars from Mrs.
Peniston's executors had been entered in it. The legacy, then, had been
paid sooner than Gerty had led him to expect. But, turning another page
or two, he discovered with astonishment that, in spite of this recent
accession of funds, the balance had already declined to a few dollars.  A
rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques, all of which bore the date
of the previous day, showed that between four or five hundred dollars of
the legacy had been spent in the settlement of bills, while the remaining
thousands were comprehended in one cheque, made out, at the same time, to
Charles Augustus Trenor.

Selden laid the book aside, and sank into the chair beside the desk. He
leaned his elbows on it, and hid his face in his hands. The bitter waters
of life surged high about him, their sterile taste was on his lips. Did
the cheque to Trenor explain the mystery or deepen it? At first his mind
refused to act--he felt only the taint of such a transaction between a
man like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart. Then, gradually, his troubled
vision cleared, old hints and rumours came back to him, and out of the
very insinuations he had feared to probe, he constructed an explanation
of the mystery. It was true, then, that she had taken money from Trenor;
but true also, as the contents of the little desk declared, that the
obligation had been intolerable to her, and that at the first opportunity
she had freed herself from it, though the act left her face to face with
bare unmitigated poverty.

That was all he knew--all he could hope to unravel of the story.  The
mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this--unless indeed they
had told him the rest in the kiss they had left upon his forehead. Yes,
he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved to find
there; he could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for
having failed to reach the height of his opportunity.

He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired to keep them apart;
since his very detachment from the external influences which swayed her
had increased his spiritual fastidiousness, and made it more difficult
for him to live and love uncritically. But at least he HAD loved her--had
been willing to stake his future on his faith in her--and if the moment
had been fated to pass from them before they could seize it, he saw now
that, for both, it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives.

It was this moment of love, this fleeting victory over themselves, which
had kept them from atrophy and extinction; which, in her, had reached out
to him in every struggle against the influence of her surroundings, and
in him, had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent and
reconciled to her side.

He knelt by the bed and bent over her, draining their last moment to its
lees; and in the silence there passed between them the word which made
all clear.



THE END




Notes:

1.  I have modernized this text by modernizing the contractions: do n't
becomes don't, etc.

2.  I have retained the British spelling of words like favour and colour.

3.  I found and corrected one instance of the name "Gertie," which I
changed to "Gerty" to be consistent with rest of the book.

Linda Ruoff

 Book II, Chapter 11 Lily stands on Fifth Avenue and watches the carriages drive past with the wealthy people that she formerly spent time with. She has lost her job at the hat shop as a result of an annual staff reduction. When she arrives back at her boarding house she finds Rosedale present. He has been so shaken by her situation that he offers to loan her the money to pay off Gus Trenor as part of a pure business transaction. Lily rejects his offer again. That night she tries to sleep, but lies awake all night, unable to sleep. The next morning she heads outside for a walk and makes a decision to go to Mrs. Dorset. She returns to her room and pulls out the packet of the letters. As she is walking towards the Dorset's house, she passes Selden's apartment. In a sudden moment of inspiration, she enters his house.

