Chapter: XXXV. HEARTACHE.


                               


Whatever his motive might have been, Laurie studied to some purpose that
year, for he graduated with honor, and gave the Latin oration with the
grace of a Phillips and the eloquence of a Demosthenes, so his friends
said. They were all there, his grandfather,--oh, so proud!--Mr. and Mrs.
March, John and Meg, Jo and Beth, and all exulted over him with the
sincere admiration which boys make light of at the time, but fail to win
from the world by any after-triumphs.

"I've got to stay for this confounded supper, but I shall be home early
to-morrow; you'll come and meet me as usual, girls?" Laurie said, as he
put the sisters into the carriage after the joys of the day were over.
He said "girls," but he meant Jo, for she was the only one who kept up
the old custom; she had not the heart to refuse her splendid, successful
boy anything, and answered warmly,--

"I'll come, Teddy, rain or shine, and march before you, playing '_Hail
the conquering hero comes_,' on a jews-harp."

Laurie thanked her with a look that made her think, in a sudden panic,
"Oh, deary me! I know he'll say something, and then what shall I do?"

Evening meditation and morning work somewhat allayed her fears, and
having decided that she wouldn't be vain enough to think people were
going to propose when she had given them every reason to know what her
answer would be, she set forth at the appointed time, hoping Teddy
wouldn't do anything to make her hurt his poor little feelings. A call
at Meg's, and a refreshing sniff and sip at the Daisy and Demijohn,
still further fortified her for the _tête-à-tête_, but when she saw a
stalwart figure looming in the distance, she had a strong desire to turn
about and run away.

"Where's the jews-harp, Jo?" cried Laurie, as soon as he was within
speaking distance.

"I forgot it;" and Jo took heart again, for that salutation could not be
called lover-like.

She always used to take his arm on these occasions; now she did not, and
he made no complaint, which was a bad sign, but talked on rapidly about
all sorts of far-away subjects, till they turned from the road into the
little path that led homeward through the grove. Then he walked more
slowly, suddenly lost his fine flow of language, and, now and then, a
dreadful pause occurred. To rescue the conversation from one of the
wells of silence into which it kept falling, Jo said hastily,--

"Now you must have a good long holiday!"

"I intend to."

Something in his resolute tone made Jo look up quickly to find him
looking down at her with an expression that assured her the dreaded
moment had come, and made her put out her hand with an imploring,--

"No, Teddy, please don't!"

"I will, and you _must_ hear me. It's no use, Jo; we've got to have it
out, and the sooner the better for both of us," he answered, getting
flushed and excited all at once.

"Say what you like, then; I'll listen," said Jo, with a desperate sort
of patience.

Laurie was a young lover, but he was in earnest, and meant to "have it
out," if he died in the attempt; so he plunged into the subject with
characteristic impetuosity, saying in a voice that _would_ get choky now
and then, in spite of manful efforts to keep it steady,--

"I've loved you ever since I've known you, Jo; couldn't help it, you've
been so good to me. I've tried to show it, but you wouldn't let me; now
I'm going to make you hear, and give me an answer, for I _can't_ go on
so any longer."

"I wanted to save you this; I thought you'd understand--" began Jo,
finding it a great deal harder than she expected.

"I know you did; but girls are so queer you never know what they mean.
They say No when they mean Yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for
the fun of it," returned Laurie, entrenching himself behind an
undeniable fact.

"_I_ don't. I never wanted to make you care for me so, and I went away
to keep you from it if I could."

"I thought so; it was like you, but it was no use. I only loved you all
the more, and I worked hard to please you, and I gave up billiards and
everything you didn't like, and waited and never complained, for I hoped
you'd love me, though I'm not half good enough--" here there was a choke
that couldn't be controlled, so he decapitated buttercups while he
cleared his "confounded throat."

"Yes, you are; you're a great deal too good for me, and I'm so grateful
to you, and so proud and fond of you, I don't see why I can't love you
as you want me to. I've tried, but I can't change the feeling, and it
would be a lie to say I do when I don't."

"Really, truly, Jo?"

He stopped short, and caught both her hands as he put his question with
a look that she did not soon forget.

"Really, truly, dear."

They were in the grove now, close by the stile; and when the last words
fell reluctantly from Jo's lips, Laurie dropped her hands and turned as
if to go on, but for once in his life that fence was too much for him;
so he just laid his head down on the mossy post, and stood so still that
Jo was frightened.

        [Illustration: He laid his head down on the mossy post]

"O Teddy, I'm so sorry, so desperately sorry, I could kill myself if it
would do any good! I wish you wouldn't take it so hard. I can't help it;
you know it's impossible for people to make themselves love other people
if they don't," cried Jo inelegantly but remorsefully, as she softly
patted his shoulder, remembering the time when he had comforted her so
long ago.

"They do sometimes," said a muffled voice from the post.

"I don't believe it's the right sort of love, and I'd rather not try
it," was the decided answer.

There was a long pause, while a blackbird sung blithely on the willow by
the river, and the tall grass rustled in the wind. Presently Jo said
very soberly, as she sat down on the step of the stile,--

"Laurie, I want to tell you something."

He started as if he had been shot, threw up his head, and cried out, in
a fierce tone--

"_Don't_ tell me that, Jo; I can't bear it now!"

"Tell what?" she asked, wondering at his violence.

"That you love that old man."

"What old man?" demanded Jo, thinking he must mean his grandfather.

"That devilish Professor you were always writing about. If you say you
love him, I know I shall do something desperate;" and he looked as if he
would keep his word, as he clenched his hands, with a wrathful spark in
his eyes.

Jo wanted to laugh, but restrained herself, and said warmly, for she,
too, was getting excited with all this,--

"Don't swear, Teddy! He isn't old, nor anything bad, but good and kind,
and the best friend I've got, next to you. Pray, don't fly into a
passion; I want to be kind, but I know I shall get angry if you abuse my
Professor. I haven't the least idea of loving him or anybody else."

"But you will after a while, and then what will become of me?"

"You'll love some one else too, like a sensible boy, and forget all this
trouble."

"I _can't_ love any one else; and I'll never forget you, Jo, never!
never!" with a stamp to emphasize his passionate words.

"What _shall_ I do with him?" sighed Jo, finding that emotions were more
unmanageable than she expected. "You haven't heard what I wanted to tell
you. Sit down and listen; for indeed I want to do right and make you
happy," she said, hoping to soothe him with a little reason, which
proved that she knew nothing about love.

Seeing a ray of hope in that last speech, Laurie threw himself down on
the grass at her feet, leaned his arm on the lower step of the stile,
and looked up at her with an expectant face. Now that arrangement was
not conducive to calm speech or clear thought on Jo's part; for how
_could_ she say hard things to her boy while he watched her with eyes
full of love and longing, and lashes still wet with the bitter drop or
two her hardness of heart had wrung from him? She gently turned his head
away, saying, as she stroked the wavy hair which had been allowed to
grow for her sake,--how touching that was, to be sure!--

"I agree with mother that you and I are not suited to each other,
because our quick tempers and strong wills would probably make us very
miserable, if we were so foolish as to--" Jo paused a little over the
last word, but Laurie uttered it with a rapturous expression,--

"Marry,--no, we shouldn't! If you loved me, Jo, I should be a perfect
saint, for you could make me anything you like."

"No, I can't. I've tried it and failed, and I won't risk our happiness
by such a serious experiment. We don't agree and we never shall; so
we'll be good friends all our lives, but we won't go and do anything
rash."

"Yes, we will if we get the chance," muttered Laurie rebelliously.

"Now do be reasonable, and take a sensible view of the case," implored
Jo, almost at her wit's end.

"I won't be reasonable; I don't want to take what you call 'a sensible
view;' it won't help me, and it only makes you harder. I don't believe
you've got any heart."

"I wish I hadn't!"

There was a little quiver in Jo's voice, and, thinking it a good omen,
Laurie turned round, bringing all his persuasive powers to bear as he
said, in the wheedlesome tone that had never been so dangerously
wheedlesome before,--

"Don't disappoint us, dear! Every one expects it. Grandpa has set his
heart upon it, your people like it, and I can't get on without you. Say
you will, and let's be happy. Do, do!"

Not until months afterward did Jo understand how she had the strength of
mind to hold fast to the resolution she had made when she decided that
she did not love her boy, and never could. It was very hard to do, but
she did it, knowing that delay was both useless and cruel.

"I can't say 'Yes' truly, so I won't say it at all. You'll see that I'm
right, by and by, and thank me for it"--she began solemnly.

"I'll be hanged if I do!" and Laurie bounced up off the grass, burning
with indignation at the bare idea.

"Yes, you will!" persisted Jo; "you'll get over this after a while, and
find some lovely, accomplished girl, who will adore you, and make a fine
mistress for your fine house. I shouldn't. I'm homely and awkward and
odd and old, and you'd be ashamed of me, and we should quarrel,--we
can't help it even now, you see,--and I shouldn't like elegant society
and you would, and you'd hate my scribbling, and I couldn't get on
without it, and we should be unhappy, and wish we hadn't done it, and
everything would be horrid!"

"Anything more?" asked Laurie, finding it hard to listen patiently to
this prophetic burst.

"Nothing more, except that I don't believe I shall ever marry. I'm happy
as I am, and love my liberty too well to be in any hurry to give it up
for any mortal man."

"I know better!" broke in Laurie. "You think so now; but there'll come a
time when you _will_ care for somebody, and you'll love him
tremendously, and live and die for him. I know you will, it's your way,
and I shall have to stand by and see it;" and the despairing lover cast
his hat upon the ground with a gesture that would have seemed comical,
if his face had not been so tragical.

"Yes, I _will_ live and die for him, if he ever comes and makes me love
him in spite of myself, and you must do the best you can!" cried Jo,
losing patience with poor Teddy. "I've done my best, but you _won't_ be
reasonable, and it's selfish of you to keep teasing for what I can't
give. I shall always be fond of you, very fond indeed, as a friend, but
I'll never marry you; and the sooner you believe it, the better for both
of us,--so now!"

That speech was like fire to gunpowder. Laurie looked at her a minute as
if he did not quite know what to do with himself, then turned sharply
away, saying, in a desperate sort of tone,--

"You'll be sorry some day, Jo."

"Oh, where are you going?" she cried, for his face frightened her.

"To the devil!" was the consoling answer.

For a minute Jo's heart stood still, as he swung himself down the bank,
toward the river; but it takes much folly, sin, or misery to send a
young man to a violent death, and Laurie was not one of the weak sort
who are conquered by a single failure. He had no thought of a
melodramatic plunge, but some blind instinct led him to fling hat and
coat into his boat, and row away with all his might, making better time
up the river than he had done in many a race. Jo drew a long breath and
unclasped her hands as she watched the poor fellow trying to outstrip
the trouble which he carried in his heart.

"That will do him good, and he'll come home in such a tender, penitent
state of mind, that I sha'n't dare to see him," she said; adding, as she
went slowly home, feeling as if she had murdered some innocent thing,
and buried it under the leaves,--

"Now I must go and prepare Mr. Laurence to be very kind to my poor boy.
I wish he'd love Beth; perhaps he may, in time, but I begin to think I
was mistaken about her. Oh dear! how can girls like to have lovers and
refuse them. I think it's dreadful."

Being sure that no one could do it so well as herself, she went straight
to Mr. Laurence, told the hard story bravely through, and then broke
down, crying so dismally over her own insensibility that the kind old
gentleman, though sorely disappointed, did not utter a reproach. He
found it difficult to understand how any girl could help loving Laurie,
and hoped she would change her mind, but he knew even better than Jo
that love cannot be forced, so he shook his head sadly, and resolved to
carry his boy out of harm's way; for Young Impetuosity's parting words
to Jo disturbed him more than he would confess.

When Laurie came home, dead tired, but quite composed, his grandfather
met him as if he knew nothing, and kept up the delusion very
successfully for an hour or two. But when they sat together in the
twilight, the time they used to enjoy so much, it was hard work for the
old man to ramble on as usual, and harder still for the young one to
listen to praises of the last year's success, which to him now seemed
love's labor lost. He bore it as long as he could, then went to his
piano, and began to play. The windows were open; and Jo, walking in the
garden with Beth, for once understood music better than her sister, for
he played the "Sonata Pathétique," and played it as he never did before.

"That's very fine, I dare say, but it's sad enough to make one cry; give
us something gayer, lad," said Mr. Laurence, whose kind old heart was
full of sympathy, which he longed to show, but knew not how.

Laurie dashed into a livelier strain, played stormily for several
minutes, and would have got through bravely, if, in a momentary lull,
Mrs. March's voice had not been heard calling,--

"Jo, dear, come in; I want you."

Just what Laurie longed to say, with a different meaning! As he
listened, he lost his place; the music ended with a broken chord, and
the musician sat silent in the dark.

"I can't stand this," muttered the old gentleman. Up he got, groped his
way to the piano, laid a kind hand on either of the broad shoulders, and
said, as gently as a woman,--

"I know, my boy, I know."

No answer for an instant; then Laurie asked sharply,--

"Who told you?"

"Jo herself."

"Then there's an end of it!" and he shook off his grandfather's hands
with an impatient motion; for, though grateful for the sympathy, his
man's pride could not bear a man's pity.

"Not quite; I want to say one thing, and then there shall be an end of
it," returned Mr. Laurence, with unusual mildness. "You won't care to
stay at home just now, perhaps?"

"I don't intend to run away from a girl. Jo can't prevent my seeing her,
and I shall stay and do it as long as I like," interrupted Laurie, in a
defiant tone.

"Not if you are the gentleman I think you. I'm disappointed, but the
girl can't help it; and the only thing left for you to do is to go away
for a time. Where will you go?"

"Anywhere. I don't care what becomes of me;" and Laurie got up, with a
reckless laugh, that grated on his grandfather's ear.

"Take it like a man, and don't do anything rash, for God's sake. Why not
go abroad, as you planned, and forget it?"

"I can't."

"But you've been wild to go, and I promised you should when you got
through college."

"Ah, but I didn't mean to go alone!" and Laurie walked fast through the
room, with an expression which it was well his grandfather did not see.

"I don't ask you to go alone; there's some one ready and glad to go with
you, anywhere in the world."

"Who, sir?" stopping to listen.

"Myself."

Laurie came back as quickly as he went, and put out his hand, saying
huskily,--

"I'm a selfish brute; but--you know--grandfather--"

"Lord help me, yes, I do know, for I've been through it all before, once
in my own young days, and then with your father. Now, my dear boy, just
sit quietly down, and hear my plan. It's all settled, and can be carried
out at once," said Mr. Laurence, keeping hold of the young man, as if
fearful that he would break away, as his father had done before him.

"Well, sir, what is it?" and Laurie sat down, without a sign of interest
in face or voice.

"There is business in London that needs looking after; I meant you
should attend to it; but I can do it better myself, and things here will
get on very well with Brooke to manage them. My partners do almost
everything; I'm merely holding on till you take my place, and can be off
at any time."

"But you hate travelling, sir; I can't ask it of you at your age," began
Laurie, who was grateful for the sacrifice, but much preferred to go
alone, if he went at all.

The old gentleman knew that perfectly well, and particularly desired to
prevent it; for the mood in which he found his grandson assured him that
it would not be wise to leave him to his own devices. So, stifling a
natural regret at the thought of the home comforts he would leave behind
him, he said stoutly,--

"Bless your soul, I'm not superannuated yet. I quite enjoy the idea; it
will do me good, and my old bones won't suffer, for travelling nowadays
is almost as easy as sitting in a chair."

A restless movement from Laurie suggested that _his_ chair was not easy,
or that he did not like the plan, and made the old man add hastily,--

"I don't mean to be a marplot or a burden; I go because I think you'd
feel happier than if I was left behind. I don't intend to gad about with
you, but leave you free to go where you like, while I amuse myself in my
own way. I've friends in London and Paris, and should like to visit
them; meantime you can go to Italy, Germany, Switzerland, where you
will, and enjoy pictures, music, scenery, and adventures to your heart's
content."

Now, Laurie felt just then that his heart was entirely broken, and the
world a howling wilderness; but at the sound of certain words which the
old gentleman artfully introduced into his closing sentence, the broken
heart gave an unexpected leap, and a green oasis or two suddenly
appeared in the howling wilderness. He sighed, and then said, in a
spiritless tone,--

"Just as you like, sir; it doesn't matter where I go or what I do."

"It does to me, remember that, my lad; I give you entire liberty, but I
trust you to make an honest use of it. Promise me that, Laurie."

"Anything you like, sir."

"Good," thought the old gentleman. "You don't care now, but there'll
come a time when that promise will keep you out of mischief, or I'm much
mistaken."

Being an energetic individual, Mr. Laurence struck while the iron was
hot; and before the blighted being recovered spirit enough to rebel,
they were off. During the time necessary for preparation, Laurie bore
himself as young gentlemen usually do in such cases. He was moody,
irritable, and pensive by turns; lost his appetite, neglected his dress,
and devoted much time to playing tempestuously on his piano; avoided Jo,
but consoled himself by staring at her from his window, with a tragical
face that haunted her dreams by night, and oppressed her with a heavy
sense of guilt by day. Unlike some sufferers, he never spoke of his
unrequited passion, and would allow no one, not even Mrs. March, to
attempt consolation or offer sympathy. On some accounts, this was a
relief to his friends; but the weeks before his departure were very
uncomfortable, and every one rejoiced that the "poor, dear fellow was
going away to forget his trouble, and come home happy." Of course, he
smiled darkly at their delusion, but passed it by, with the sad
superiority of one who knew that his fidelity, like his love, was
unalterable.

When the parting came he affected high spirits, to conceal certain
inconvenient emotions which seemed inclined to assert themselves. This
gayety did not impose upon anybody, but they tried to look as if it did,
for his sake, and he got on very well till Mrs. March kissed him, with
a whisper full of motherly solicitude; then, feeling that he was going
very fast, he hastily embraced them all round, not forgetting the
afflicted Hannah, and ran downstairs as if for his life. Jo followed a
minute after to wave her hand to him if he looked round. He did look
round, came back, put his arms about her, as she stood on the step above
him, and looked up at her with a face that made his short appeal both
eloquent and pathetic.

"O Jo, can't you?"

                    [Illustration: O Jo, can't you?]

"Teddy, dear, I wish I could!"

That was all, except a little pause; then Laurie straightened himself
up, said "It's all right, never mind," and went away without another
word. Ah, but it wasn't all right, and Jo _did_ mind; for while the
curly head lay on her arm a minute after her hard answer, she felt as if
she had stabbed her dearest friend; and when he left her without a look
behind him, she knew that the boy Laurie never would come again.

                       [Illustration: Tail-piece]

 Heartache Laurie, who worked ardently while Jo was away, grew his hair as she likes, and gave up billiards, graduates from college with honors and makes everyone proud. The day he returns from college, Jo meets him, fearing he may propose. Jo is right, as Laurie admits that he has loved her since the moment he met her, and tells how hard he has worked to earn her favor. Jo apologizes, saying she has tried to love him but does not, and cannot lie. Laurie accuses her of loving Mr. Bhaer, which almost makes Jo laugh, since it is so far from her mind. She tries to reason with him, but Laurie is deeply hurt, and tries to convince Jo that everyone expects it, and that they should not disappoint. However, Jo agrees with Marmee that they are too quick-tempered and strong-willed, and cannot marry. Jo says he should marry someone more fashionable and accomplished, and angry Laurie storms off saying he is going "to the devil. This alarms Jo, who goes straight to Mr. Laurence and tells him what happened. Mr. Laurence, disappointed but kind, shares Jo's fears about Laurie's impetuousness and devises a plan for him to travel with Laurie abroad. Mr. Laurence will take care of business in London and visit friends in Paris, while Laurie can travel as he likes. When introducing the plan to Laurie that evening, Mr. Laurence artfully mentions music and adventures, and Laurie agrees to go. In but a few weeks they are gone. Jo feels that she has stabbed her best friend in the heart, and her boy Laurie will return a changed man

