Chapter: [CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.]

FAG
Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me
to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see
you.

ABSOLUTE
And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

FAG
Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He
started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural
oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here.

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, and what did you say?

FAG
Oh, I lied, sir--I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he
got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in
future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath; in order
that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were
curious, sir, very curious indeed.

ABSOLUTE
You have said nothing to them?

FAG
Oh, not a word, sir,--not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman
(whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)----

ABSOLUTE
'Sdeath!--you rascal! you have not trusted him!

FAG
Oh, no, sir--no--no--not a syllable, upon my veracity!--He was, indeed,
a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir--devilish sly! My master (said
I), honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors,)
is come to Bath to recruit--Yes, sir, I said to recruit--and whether
for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor
any one else.

ABSOLUTE
Well, recruit will do--let it be so.

FAG
Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly--indeed, to give the thing an
air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five
disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen
billiard-markers.

ABSOLUTE
You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

FAG
I beg pardon, sir--I beg pardon--but, with submission, a lie is nothing
unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good
current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

ABSOLUTE
Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much
security.--Is Mr. Faulkland returned?

FAG
He is above, sir, changing his dress.

ABSOLUTE
Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony and Miss
Melville's arrival?

FAG
I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his
gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.--I think, sir, I hear Mr.
Faulkland coming down----

ABSOLUTE
Go, tell him I am here.

FAG
Yes, sir.--[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you
will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you
please.

ABSOLUTE
Well, well.

FAG
And, in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the
chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I
never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience
to be found out. [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE
Now for my whimsical friend--if he does not know that his mistress is
here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him----

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your
return.

FAULKLAND
Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I
went on. Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between
you and Lydia?

ABSOLUTE
Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel;
however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

FAULKLAND
Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

ABSOLUTE
What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget that, my
friend.--No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

FAULKLAND
Nay then, you trifle too long--if you are sure of her, propose to the
aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

ABSOLUTE
Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope
with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would
take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum
wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must
prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to
her, before I risk it.--Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day
at the hotel?

FAULKLAND
Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

ABSOLUTE
By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing,
captious, incorrigible lover!--Do love like a man.

FAULKLAND
I own I am unfit for company.

ABSOLUTE
Am I not a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry every
where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes,
wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

FAULKLAND
Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on
one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could
stake and throw again;--but I have set my sum of happiness on this
cast, and not to succeed, were to be stripped of all.

ABSOLUTE
But, for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your
whimsical brain conjure up at present?

FAULKLAND
What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a
thousand! I fear for her spirits--her health--her life!--My absence may
fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me may oppress her
gentle temper: and for her health, does not every hour bring me cause
to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her
delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected
her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life
of her, for whom only I value mine. O Jack! when delicate and feeling
souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement
of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause
for a lover's apprehension!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.--So, then,
Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits,
you would be entirely content?

FAULKLAND
I should be happy beyond measure--I am anxious only for that.

ABSOLUTE
Then to cure your anxiety at once--Miss Melville is in perfect health,
and is at this moment in Bath.

FAULKLAND
Nay, Jack--don't trifle with me.

ABSOLUTE
She is arrived here with my father within this hour.

FAULKLAND
Can you be serious?

ABSOLUTE
I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden
whim of this kind.--Seriously, then, it is as I tell you--upon my
honour.

FAULKLAND
My dear friend!--Hollo, Du-Peigne! my hat.--My dear Jack--now nothing
on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG
Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below.

ABSOLUTE
Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he
shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left
her.--Fag, show this gentleman up.

[Exit FAG.]

FAULKLAND
What, is he much acquainted in the family?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character
will divert you.

FAULKLAND
Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

ABSOLUTE
He is likewise a rival of mine--that is, of my other self's, for he
does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in
question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one
Beverley, a concealed skulking rival, who----

FAULKLAND
Hush!--he's here.

[Enter ACRES.]

ACRES
Ha! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou?
just arrived, faith, as you see.--Sir, your humble servant.--Warm work
on the roads, Jack!--Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a
comet, with a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall.

ABSOLUTE
Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your
attraction hither.--Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr.
Faulkland, Mr. Acres.

ACRES
Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir, I solicit your
connections.--Hey, Jack--what, this is Mr. Faulkland, who----

ABSOLUTE
Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland.

ACRES
Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me:--I suppose
you have seen them. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man.

FAULKLAND
I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir;--I hope she enjoyed full health
and spirits in Devonshire?

ACRES
Never knew her better in my life, sir,--never better. Odds blushes and
blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa.

FAULKLAND
Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

ACRES
False, false, sir--only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure
you.

FAULKLAND
There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted
myself ill.

ABSOLUTE
Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick?

FAULKLAND
No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling
indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we
love.--Now confess--isn't there something unkind in this violent,
robust, unfeeling health?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure!

ACRES
Good apartments, Jack.

FAULKLAND
Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so
exceedingly well--what then she has been merry and gay, I
suppose?--Always in spirits--hey?

ACRES
Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company
wherever she has been--so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and
humour!

FAULKLAND
There, Jack, there.--Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in
woman, that nothing can overcome.--What! happy, and I away!

ABSOLUTE
Have done.--How foolish this is! just now you were only apprehensive
for your mistress' spirits.

FAULKLAND
Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

ABSOLUTE
No, indeed, you have not.

FAULKLAND
Have I been lively and entertaining?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, upon my word, I acquit you.

FAULKLAND
Have I been full of wit and humour?

ABSOLUTE
No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed.

ACRES
What's the matter with the gentleman?

ABSOLUTE
He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has
been so well and happy--that's all--hey, Faulkland?

FAULKLAND
Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it--yes, yes, she has a happy disposition!

ACRES
That she has indeed--then she is so accomplished--so sweet a voice--so
expert at her harpsichord--such a mistress of flat and sharp,
squallante, rumblante, and quiverante!--There was this time month--odds
minims and crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert!

FAULKLAND
There again, what say you to this? you see she has been all mirth and
song--not a thought of me!

ABSOLUTE
Pho! man, is not music the food of love?

FAULKLAND
Well, well, it may be so.--Pray, Mr.--, what's his damned name?--Do you
remember what songs Miss Melville sung?

ACRES
Not I indeed.

ABSOLUTE
Stay, now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I
warrant; perhaps you may recollect;--did she sing, _When absent from my
soul's delight_?

ACRES
No, that wa'n't it.

ABSOLUTE
Or, _Go, gentle gales_! [Sings.]

ACRES
Oh, no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them--_My heart's
my own, my will is free_. [Sings.]

FAULKLAND
Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler!
'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! to
soothe her light heart with catches and glees!--What can you say to
this, sir?

ABSOLUTE
Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir.

FAULKLAND
Nay, nay, nay--I'm not sorry that she has been happy--no, no, I am glad
of that--I would not have had her sad or sick--yet surely a sympathetic
heart would have shown itself even in the choice of a song--she might
have been temperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay;--but she
has been dancing too, I doubt not!

ACRES
What does the gentleman say about dancing?

ABSOLUTE
He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings.

ACRES
Ay, truly, does she--there was at our last race ball----

FAULKLAND
Hell and the devil! There!--there--I told you so! I told you so! Oh!
she thrives in my absence!--Dancing! but her whole feelings have been
in opposition with mine;--I have been anxious, silent, pensive,
sedentary--my days have been hours of care, my nights of
watchfulness.--She has been all health! spirit! laugh! song!
dance!--Oh! damned, damned levity!

ABSOLUTE
For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so!--Suppose she
has danced, what then?--does not the ceremony of society often oblige
----

FAULKLAND
Well, well, I'll contain myself--perhaps as you say--for form
sake.--What, Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of
dancing a minuet--hey?

ACRES
Oh, I dare insure her for that--but what I was going to speak of was
her country-dancing. Odds swimmings! she has such an air with her!

FAULKLAND
Now disappointment on her!--Defend this, Absolute; why don't you defend
this?--Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet I
could have forgiven--I should not have minded that--I say I should not
have regarded a minuet--but country-dances!--Zounds! had she made one
in a cotillion--I believe I could have forgiven even that--but to be
monkey-led for a night!--to run the gauntlet through a string of
amorous palming puppies!--to show paces like a managed filly!--Oh,
Jack, there never can be but one man in the world whom a truly modest
and delicate woman ought to pair with in a country-dance; and, even
then, the rest of the couples should be her great-uncles and aunts!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, to be sure!--grandfathers and grandmothers!

FAULKLAND
If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a
contagion--the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement
of the jig--their quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very
air--the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark
darts through every link of the chain!--I must leave you--I own I am
somewhat flurried--and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.]

ABSOLUTE
Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news.

FAULKLAND
Damn his news! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five minutes since--"nothing on earth could
give him a moment's uneasiness!"

ACRES
The gentleman wa'n't angry at my praising his mistress, was he?

ABSOLUTE
A little jealous, I believe, Bob.

ACRES
You don't say so? Ha! ha! jealous of me--that's a good joke.

ABSOLUTE
There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly
grace and insinuating manner of yours will do some mischief among the
girls here.

ACRES
Ah! you joke--ha! ha! mischief--ha! ha! but you know I am not my own
property, my dear Lydia has forestalled me. She could never abide me in
the country, because I used to dress so badly--but odds frogs and
tambours! I shan't take matters so here, now ancient madam has no voice
in it: I'll make my old clothes know who's master. I shall straightway
cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable. My
hair has been in training some time.

ABSOLUTE
Indeed!

ACRES
Ay--and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes
it very kindly.

ABSOLUTE
Ah, you'll polish, I doubt not.

ACRES
Absolutely I propose so--then if I can find out this Ensign Beverley,
odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't.

ABSOLUTE
Spoke like a man! But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of
a new method of swearing----

ACRES
Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it--'tis genteel, isn't it!--I didn't
invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great
scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common
oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them
respectable;--because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an
oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by
Venus! or by Pallas, according to the sentiment: so that to swear with
propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the
sense; and this we call the _oath referential_, or _sentimental
swearing_--ha! ha! 'tis genteel, isn't it?

ABSOLUTE
Very genteel, and very new, indeed!--and I dare say will supplant all
other figures of imprecation.

ACRES
Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete.--Damns have had their day.

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG
Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you.--Shall I show him
into the parlour?

ABSOLUTE
Ay--you may.

ACRES
Well, I must be gone----

ABSOLUTE
Stay; who is it, Fag?

FAG
Your father, sir.

ABSOLUTE
You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly?

[Exit FAG.]

ACRES
You have business with Sir Anthony.--I expect a message from Mrs.
Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius
O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! we must meet at night, when you shall give me a
dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

ABSOLUTE
That I will with all my heart.----

[Exit ACRES.]

Now for a parental lecture--I hope he has heard nothing of the business
that brought me here--I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire,
with all my soul!

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir I am delighted to see you here; looking so well! your sudden
arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir ANTHONY
Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.--What, you are recruiting here,
hey?

ABSOLUTE
Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it, for I
was going to write to you on a little matter of business.--Jack, I have
been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not
trouble you long.

ABSOLUTE
Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray
frequently that you may continue so.

Sir ANTHONY
I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack,
I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may continue
to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of
your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small
pittance for a lad of your spirit.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you are very good.

Sir ANTHONY
And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in
the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble
independence.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, your kindness overpowers me--such generosity makes the gratitude
of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection.

Sir ANTHONY
I am glad you are so sensible of my attention--and you shall be master
of a large estate in a few weeks.

ABSOLUTE
Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense
I have of your munificence.--Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me
to quit the army?

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

ABSOLUTE
My wife, sir!

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, ay, settle that between you--settle that between you.

ABSOLUTE
A wife, sir, did you say?

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, a wife--why, did not I mention her before?

ABSOLUTE
Not a word of her, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
Odd so!--I mustn't forget her though.--Yes, Jack, the independence I
was talking of is by marriage--the fortune is saddled with a wife--but
I suppose that makes no difference.

ABSOLUTE
Sir! sir!--you amaze me!

Sir ANTHONY
Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all
gratitude and duty.

ABSOLUTE
I was, sir,--you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a
word of a wife.

Sir ANTHONY
Why--what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the
estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

ABSOLUTE
If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the
purchase.--Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir ANTHONY
What's that to you, sir?--Come, give me your promise to love, and to
marry her directly.

ABSOLUTE
Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a
lady I know nothing of!

Sir ANTHONY
I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you
know nothing of.

ABSOLUTE
Then, sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on
another--my heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir ANTHONY
Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry--but business
prevents its waiting on her.

ABSOLUTE
But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir ANTHONY
Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth
redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, I suppose;
so there can be no loss there.

ABSOLUTE
You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this
point I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY
Hark'ee, Jack;--I have heard you for some time with patience--I have
been cool--quite cool; but take care--you know I am compliance
itself--when I am not thwarted;--no one more easily led--when I have my
own way;--but don't put me in a frenzy.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I must repeat it--in this I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY
Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I won't hear a word--not a word! not one word! so give me your
promise by a nod--and I'll tell you what, Jack--I mean, you dog--if you
don't, by----

ABSOLUTE
What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to----

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a
hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one
eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have a skin
like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew--she shall be all this,
sirrah!--yet I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to
write sonnets on her beauty.

ABSOLUTE
This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir ANTHONY
None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir ANTHONY
'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll
grin when I am gone, sirrah!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir ANTHONY
None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you please!--It
won't do with me, I promise you.

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir ANTHONY
'Tis a confounded lie!--I know you are in a passion in your heart; I
know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word----

Sir ANTHONY
So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can
passion do?--Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent,
overbearing reprobate!--There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!--but
you rely upon the mildness of my temper--you do, you dog! you play upon
the meekness of my disposition!--Yet take care--the patience of a saint
may be overcome at last!--but mark! I give you six hours and a half to
consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every
thing on earth that I choose, why--confound you! I may in time forgive
you.--If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't
dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an
atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission;
I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you
shall live on the interest.--I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll
unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE
Mild, gentle, considerate father--I kiss your hands!--What a tender
method of giving his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare
not trust him with the truth.--I wonder what old wealthy hag it is that
he wants to bestow on me!--Yet he married himself for love! and was in
his youth a bold intriguer, and a gay companion!

[Re-enter FAG.]

FAG
Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs
eight or ten steps at a time--muttering, growling, and thumping the
banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the
door--rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me
carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area,
damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate!--Upon my credit, sir, were I in
your place, and found my father such very bad company, I should
certainly drop his acquaintance.

ABSOLUTE
Cease your impertinence, sir, at present.--Did you come in for nothing
more?--Stand out of the way! [Pushes him aside, and exit.]

FAG
So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his
father--then vents his spleen on poor Fag!--When one is vexed by one
person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the
way, is the vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst temper--the
basest----

[Enter BOY.]

BOY
Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you.

FAG
Well, you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!--The meanest
disposition! the----

BOY
Quick, quick, Mr. Fag!

FAG
Quick! quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too?
you little impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred---- [Exit kicking and
beating him.]
[Enter LUCY.]

LUCY
So--I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list--Captain
Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has
received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!--Well, I have done
him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here
before him.--Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to
hear from his _dear Delia_, as he calls her: I wonder he's not
here!--I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I
should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty,
and her own mistress.

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS
Ha! my little ambassadress--upon my conscience, I have been looking for
you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

LUCY
[Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship
here on the North.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith!--may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very
comical too, how you could go out and I not see you--for I was only
taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on
purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY
My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir LUCIUS
Sure enough it must have been so--and I never dreamt it was so late,
till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

LUCY
Yes, but I have--I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir LUCIUS
O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed--Well--let me see what
the dear creature says.

LUCY
There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]

Sir LUCIUS
[Reads.] _Sir--there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that
has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was
the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius
O'Trigger._--Very pretty, upon my word.--_Female punctuation forbids me
to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to
find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia._
Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language.
Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary!--for the devil a word
dare refuse coming at her call--though one would think it was quite out
of hearing.

LUCY
Ay, sir, a lady of her experience----

Sir LUCIUS
Experience! what, at seventeen?

LUCY
O true, sir--but then she reads so--my stars! how she will read off
hand!

Sir LUCIUS
Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way--though she is
rather an arbitrary writer too--for here are a great many poor words
pressed into the service of this note, that would get their _habeas
corpus_ from any court in Christendom.

LUCY
Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady
O'Trigger into the bargain!--But we must get the old gentlewoman's
consent--and do every thing fairly.

LUCY
Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!

Sir LUCIUS
Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:--I am so poor, that I can't
afford to do a dirty action.--If I did not want money, I'd steal your
mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.--However, my
pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a
ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to
this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses
her.]

LUCY
O Lud! Sir Lucius--I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you
if you're so impudent.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith she will, Lucy!--That same--pho! what's the name of
it?--modesty--is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than
liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a
kiss, tell her fifty--my dear.

LUCY
What, would you have me tell her a lie?

Sir LUCIUS
Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

LUCY
For shame now! here is some one coming.

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune.]

[Enter FAG.]

FAG
So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

LUCY
O Lud! now, Mr. Fag--you flurry one so.

FAG
Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by--so a little less simplicity, with a
grain or two more sincerity, if you please.--You play false with us,
madam.--I saw you give the baronet a letter.--My master shall know
this--and if he don't call him out, I will.

LUCY
Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty.--That letter was
from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.--She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

FAG
How! what tastes some people have!--Why, I suppose I have walked by her
window a hundred times.--But what says our young lady? any message to
my master?

LUCY
Sad news. Mr. Fag.--A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has
proposed his son.

FAG
What, Captain Absolute?

LUCY
Even so--I overheard it all.

FAG
Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this
news.

LUCY
Well, you may laugh--but it is true, I assure you.--[Going.] But, Mr.
Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

FAG
Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

LUCY
And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

FAG
Never fear! never fear!

LUCY
Be sure--bid him keep up his spirits.

FAG
We will--we will.

[Exeunt severally.]

 Malaprop tells Anthony that she has never seen Jack Absolute, but hopes he will not object to the arrangement. Anthony has no doubt that Jack will go along with it, informing Malaprop that he has always been an imperious and authoritarian father. Malaprop thinks this is the best course, saying, "Nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity." She tells Anthony that she will send away Bob Acres, one of Lydia's other suitors, and prepare Lydia to receive Jack. "If she rejects this proposal--clap her under lock and key," Anthony tells Malaprop, adding that another good way to get her to comply is to convince the servants not to bring Lydia dinner for a few days. When Anthony leaves, Malaprop speaks about the fact that she is eager to get Lydia out from her care, as Lydia has recently learned about her "partiality" for Sir Lucius O'Trigger. She calls for Lucy and asks the servant if she saw Lucius while she was out, and reminds her not to tell anyone about her affair with him. When Malaprop leaves, Lucy discusses the fact that everyone has been paying her to do their bidding. Malaprop paid her to procure the information about Lydia and the ensign, Lydia paid her for helping her plot to run away, Bob Acres paid her to deliver letters which she never delivered, and Lucius O'Trigger paid her for delivering letters to Lydia, when she was actually delivering them to Malaprop. Act 2. Captain Absolute's Lodgings. Jack Absolute and Fag have a discussion, in which Fag tells him that he went to visit Anthony and told him Jack was in Bath, but did not tell him why. When Jack asks Fag if he told any of the servants why he is in Bath, Fag lies and tells him that though Thomas was inquisitive, he did not tell him anything about Jack's visit to the city. Fag tells Jack that he told Anthony he is in the city to recruit soldiers and Jack gets worried that Fag told too elaborate of a lie. Jack asks if Faulkland is there, and Fag tells his master that Faulkland is upstairs. When Fag exits, Faulkland comes in and asks Jack how things are going with Lydia. "I have not seen her since our quarrel; however I expect to be recalled every hour," Jack says, and Faulkland asks why he doesn't just go off with her at once. "What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune?" Jack replies, alluding to the fact that he must win the approval of her family so that he will get Lydia's money. "If you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent," Faulkland says, but Jack tells him that he must woo her in the guise of a poorer man before he can assure her affection and loyalty. Jack then makes fun of Faulkland for being so moody and unsure of Julia's love for him, before revealing to him that Julia is in Bath at the moment. "Can you be serious?" Faulkland asks, alarmed. Suddenly, Fag enters and announces the arrival of Bob Acres. With this, Jack encourages Faulkland to stay, since Acres will know something of Julia. He also reveals that Acres is a rival of "Ensign Beverley" and it is fun to listen to Acres speak ill of Jack's alter ego. Acres comes in and greets the men, confirming to Faulkland that Julia is in fine health. Faulkland is a little bit offended by this, latching onto yet another thing to make him insecure about his relationship with Julia--"isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health?" he says. Acres goes on to say that Julia has been "the belle and spirit of the company wherever she has been--so lively and entertaining!" When Acres discusses the fact that she is so musically proficient, Faulkland moans, "You see she has been all mirth and song--not a thought of me!" Jack teasingly asks Acres if he remembers the songs that Julia sang, listing names of songs about missing a distant loved one. Suddenly, Acres remembers the song she sang, with the lyrics, "My heart's my own, my will is free." This only makes Faulkland more insecure, but Jack tries to assure him that he should be happy to hear that Julia has been happy. When Acres reveals that she was doing a lot of country dances, Faulkland gets really upset, suggesting that he would have been able to handle another kind of dance, but country dancing feels like a betrayal. He rails against his mistress and leaves in a huff. Left alone, Jack and Acres discuss Acres' appearance, and the fact that he used to have a very bad fashion sense. Acres resolves to look better, saying, "My hair has been in training some time." He then says that he wants to beat "Ensign Beverley," clearly ignorant of the fact that the ensign is actually Jack. When Acres exits, Fag enters and tells Jack that his father is there. Anthony Absolute greets his son and immediately tells him that he is going to marry someone that he chooses. Anthony fails to mention that he wants Jack to marry Lydia, the girl he already loves, and Jack assumes that his father must be talking about another girl and so refuses. This only enrages Anthony, who insists that Jack must do as he tells him, no matter who he chooses for his son. Before he leaves, Anthony tells his son that he will take away his commission if he does not consent to the marriage in the next six and a half hours. When Anthony leaves, Fag visits Jack and tells him that he should "drop his acquaintance." Frustrated, Jack snaps at Fag, and leaves angrily. Miffed, Fag says, "When one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another, who happens to come in the way, is the vilest injustice!" Suddenly he is interrupted by an errand boy, and Fag snaps at the boy much in the way that Jack snapped at him. He chases the boy out of the room, "kicking and beating him." Scene 2. Lucy enters and discusses the fact that she knows that Jack is a new suitor of Lydia's, but decides not to tell anyone for a while. She then discusses the fact that Lucius O'Trigger thinks he is corresponding with Lydia when he is actually corresponding with Malaprop. Lucius comes in shortly and Lucy presents him with a letter from Malaprop, which he thinks is from Lydia. It is filled with misused words, and Lucius calls her "the queen of the dictionary!" Lucius pays Lucy for her help and kisses her, which she does not appreciate. When they hear someone whistling, Lucius runs away quickly. Fag enters and Lucy tells him that Anthony is planning to marry Jack to Lydia. Fag finds this very funny, knowing his master's double identity, and rushes off to tell him.

