Chapter: SCENE 3.

                      AUVERGNE. The Castle

               Enter the COUNTESS and her PORTER

  COUNTESS. Porter, remember what I gave in charge;
    And when you have done so, bring the keys to me.
  PORTER. Madam, I will.
  COUNTESS. The plot is laid; if all things fall out right,
    I shall as famous be by this exploit.
    As Scythian Tomyris by Cyrus' death.
    Great is the rumour of this dreadful knight,
    And his achievements of no less account.
    Fain would mine eyes be witness with mine ears
    To give their censure of these rare reports.

    Enter MESSENGER and TALBOT.

  MESSENGER. Madam, according as your ladyship desir'd,
    By message crav'd, so is Lord Talbot come.
  COUNTESS. And he is welcome. What! is this the man?
  MESSENGER. Madam, it is.
  COUNTESS. Is this the scourge of France?
    Is this Talbot, so much fear'd abroad
    That with his name the mothers still their babes?
    I see report is fabulous and false.
    I thought I should have seen some Hercules,
    A second Hector, for his grim aspect
    And large proportion of his strong-knit limbs.
    Alas, this is a child, a silly dwarf!
    It cannot be this weak and writhled shrimp
    Should strike such terror to his enemies.
  TALBOT. Madam, I have been bold to trouble you;
    But since your ladyship is not at leisure,
    I'll sort some other time to visit you.              [Going]
  COUNTESS. What means he now? Go ask him whither he
    goes.
  MESSENGER. Stay, my Lord Talbot; for my lady craves
    To know the cause of your abrupt departure.
  TALBOT. Marry, for that she's in a wrong belief,
    I go to certify her Talbot's here.

                      Re-enter PORTER With keys

  COUNTESS. If thou be he, then art thou prisoner.
  TALBOT. Prisoner! To whom?
  COUNTESS. To me, blood-thirsty lord
    And for that cause I train'd thee to my house.
    Long time thy shadow hath been thrall to me,
    For in my gallery thy picture hangs;
    But now the substance shall endure the like
    And I will chain these legs and arms of thine
    That hast by tyranny these many years
    Wasted our country, slain our citizens,
    And sent our sons and husbands captivate.
  TALBOT. Ha, ha, ha!
  COUNTESS. Laughest thou, wretch? Thy mirth shall turn to
    moan.
  TALBOT. I laugh to see your ladyship so fond
    To think that you have aught but Talbot's shadow
    Whereon to practise your severity.
  COUNTESS. Why, art not thou the man?
  TALBOT. I am indeed.
  COUNTESS. Then have I substance too.
  TALBOT. No, no, I am but shadow of myself.
    You are deceiv'd, my substance is not here;
    For what you see is but the smallest part
    And least proportion of humanity.
    I tell you, madam, were the whole frame here,
    It is of such a spacious lofty pitch
    Your roof were not sufficient to contain 't.
  COUNTESS. This is a riddling merchant for the nonce;
    He will be here, and yet he is not here.
    How can these contrarieties agree?
  TALBOT. That will I show you presently.

                   Winds his horn; drums strike up;
                  a peal of ordnance. Enter soldiers

    How say you, madam? Are you now persuaded
    That Talbot is but shadow of himself?
    These are his substance, sinews, arms, and strength,
    With which he yoketh your rebellious necks,
    Razeth your cities, and subverts your towns,
    And in a moment makes them desolate.
  COUNTESS. Victorious Talbot! pardon my abuse.
    I find thou art no less than fame hath bruited,
    And more than may be gathered by thy shape.
    Let my presumption not provoke thy wrath,
    For I am sorry that with reverence
    I did not entertain thee as thou art.
  TALBOT. Be not dismay'd, fair lady; nor misconster
    The mind of Talbot as you did mistake
    The outward composition of his body.
    What you have done hath not offended me.
    Nor other satisfaction do I crave
    But only, with your patience, that we may
    Taste of your wine and see what cates you have,
    For soldiers' stomachs always serve them well.
  COUNTESS. With all my heart, and think me honoured
    To feast so great a warrior in my house.              Exeunt

 The next scene starts with the Countess of Auvergne, who's talking smack to her Porter. She says she's laid a plot, and that what she'll do next will make her as famous as Tomyris. Who's Tomyris? A new teen pop star? Hardly. Tomyris may not be famous now, but lots of Renaissance viewers would have known she was not to be messed with. Cyrus, ancient Emperor of Persia and major bad news for his enemies, tried to date her, but what he really wanted was her kingdom. It's a long story, but after she declined to go out with him and he still wanted her kingdom, they decided their armies would join battle. When Cyrus indirectly caused the death of Tomyris's son by trickery, she was angry. Hard to blame her there. Her armies fought Cyrus and killed him on the battlefield, and Tomyris plunged his head into a wineskin filled with human blood. Just in case it isn't clear from the story, that's a pretty major insult to the corpse of an emperor. Yep, not to be messed with, that lady. So anyway, back to our tale: It sure sounds like this scene is going to shape up into a horror story. Is Talbot about to be killed and insulted in gruesome fashion by a ferocious female warrior? Well, not right away. The Countess starts off their meeting with a skeptical, "What? Is this the man?" . She's unimpressed with his physique. She was expecting someone like Hercules or Hector, and what she sees instead is a "weak and writhled shrimp" . This might be an insult, but it's hardly deadly. Talbot replies mildly that if the Countess is busy he'll come back some other time. The Countess informs him that he's now a prisoner in her house--Talbot is surprised--then she concludes with some thundering rhetoric about how she'll chain his legs and arms for all the evils he's done against the French. Talbot replies, "Ha, ha, ha" . So much for the speech... Talbot says that basically his men are the reason he's so powerful, and the Countess can't stop them just by locking him up; he shows her his soldiers to prove the point. The Countess apologizes, says Talbot is everything his fame suggests, and asks him not to take offense. Talbot says he's not offended, and any chance of getting some dinner? He calls her "fair lady," which suggests that he's still wanting to be chivalrous. The Countess says she'll be honored to feast so great a warrior, and that's that. So, no horror film here. The Countess starts off by threatening to be the bold female warrior who destroys an emperor, but she winds up in a very conventional role for an aristocratic woman: accepting a warrior's chivalrous compliments and hosting a feast.

