Chapter: ACT III  SCENE 1.

A field near Frogmore.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.]

EVANS.
I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, and friend
Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius,
that calls himself doctor of physic?

SIMPLE.
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor
way, and every way but the town way.

EVANS.
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that
way.

SIMPLE.
I will, Sir.

[Exit.]

EVANS.
Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind!
I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am!
I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I have goot
opportunities for the 'ork: pless my soul! 

[Sings]
   To shallow rivers, to whose falls
   Melodious birds sings madrigals;
   There will we make our peds of roses,
   And a thousand fragrant posies.
   To shallow--

Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

[Sings.]
   Melodious birds sing madrigals,--
   Whenas I sat in Pabylon,--
   And a thousand vagram posies.
   To shallow,--

[Re-enter SIMPLE.]

SIMPLE.
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.

EVANS.
He's welcome.

[Sings]
   To shallow rivers, to whose falls--

Heaven prosper the right!--What weapons is he?

SIMPLE.
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another
gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

EVANS.
Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
[Reads in a book.]

[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]

SHALLOW.
How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester
from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

SLENDER.
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!

PAGE.
'Save you, good Sir Hugh!

EVANS.
Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

SHALLOW.
What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson?

PAGE.
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day!

EVANS.
There is reasons and causes for it.

PAGE.
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

EVANS.
Fery well; what is it?

PAGE.
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received
wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and
patience that ever you saw.

SHALLOW.
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of
his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.

EVANS.
What is he?

PAGE.
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French
physician.

EVANS.
Got's will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would
tell me of a mess of porridge.

PAGE.
Why?

EVANS.
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen,--and he is a
knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be
acquainted withal.

PAGE.
I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.

SLENDER.
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

SHALLOW.
It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes
Doctor Caius.

[Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY.]

PAGE.
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

SHALLOW.
So do you, good Master Doctor.

HOST.
Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole
and hack our English.

CAIUS.
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you
not meet-a me?

EVANS.
[Aside to CAIUS.] Pray you use your patience; in good time.

CAIUS.
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

EVANS.
[Aside to CAIUS.] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other
men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or
other make you amends.
[Aloud.] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.

CAIUS.
Diable!--Jack Rugby,--mine Host de Jarretiere,--have I not stay for
him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

EVANS.
As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place
appointed. I'll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.

HOST.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer
and body-curer!

CAIUS.
Ay, dat is very good; excellent!

HOST.
Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I
subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me
the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest,
my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs.
Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so;--give me thy hand, celestial;
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you
to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole,
and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn.
Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOW.
Trust me, a mad host!--Follow, gentlemen, follow.

SLENDER.
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!

[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and HOST.]

CAIUS.
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

EVANS.
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that
we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be
revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host
of the Garter.

CAIUS.
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne
Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

EVANS.
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

[Exeunt.]




SCENE 2.

A street in Windsor.

[Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN.]

MRS. PAGE.
Nay, keep your way, little gallant: you were wont to be a follower,
but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes,
or eye your master's heels?

ROBIN.
I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him
like a dwarf.

MRS. PAGE.
O! you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.

[Enter FORD.]

FORD.
Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

MRS. PAGE.
Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORD.
Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company.
I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.

MRS. PAGE.
Be sure of that--two other husbands.

FORD.
Where had you this pretty weathercock?

MRS. PAGE.
I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.
What do you call your knight's name, sirrah?

ROBIN.
Sir John Falstaff.

FORD.
Sir John Falstaff!

MRS. PAGE.
He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a league between
my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?

FORD.
Indeed she is.

MRS. PAGE.
By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

[Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ROBIN.]

FORD.
Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure,
they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a
letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank
twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives
her folly motion and advantage; and now she's going to my wife,
and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in
the wind: and Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots! They are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take
him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from
the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure
and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock strikes] The clock gives me my
cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff.
I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS,
CAIUS, and RUGBY.]

SHALLOW, PAGE, &c. 
Well met, Master Ford.

FORD.
Trust me, a good knot; I have good cheer at home, and I pray you
all go with me.

SHALLOW.
I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

SLENDER.
And so must I, sir; we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne,
and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of.

SHALLOW.
We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin
Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

SLENDER.
I hope I have your good will, father Page.

PAGE.
You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you. But my wife,
Master doctor, is for you altogether.

CAIUS.
Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me
so mush.

HOST.
What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has
eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April
and May; he will carry 't, he will carry 't; 'tis in his buttons;
he will carry 't.

PAGE.
Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having:
he kept company with the wild Prince and Pointz; he is of too high
a region, he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his
fortunes with the finger of my substance; if he take her, let him
take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my
consent goes not that way.

FORD.
I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner:
besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster.
Master Doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you,
Sir Hugh.

SHALLOW.
Well, fare you well; we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page's.

[Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER.]

CAIUS.
Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.

[Exit RUGBY.]

HOST.
Farewell, my hearts; I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink
canary with him.

[Exit HOST.]

FORD.
[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him. I'll
make him dance. Will you go, gentles?

ALL.
Have with you to see this monster.

[Exeunt.]

 The scene shifts to Frogmore, where Hugh Evans vows to "knog urinals about his knave's costard ." When he notices Page, Slender, and Shallow on their way toward him, he quickly puts on his gown and reads from his holy book. They notice the sword, and Shallow asks, "What, the sword and the word ! Do you study them both, Master Parson?" Then Caius arrives, ripe for battle, and Hugh Evans tries his best to pull him aside and postpone the duel: "Pray you, let us not be laughingstocks to other men's humours." The Host takes great pleasure in their embarrassment, commenting, "Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul , French and Welsh, soul-curer and body curer!" And then he admits that the whole ruse was his private brainchild: "I have deceived you both: I have directed you to wrong places." Left alone with his adversary, Hugh Evans proposes to Caius a new revenge plot: ". . . let us knog or prains together to be revenge on this same scall , scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of the Garter." In Scene 2, Ford comes across Mrs. Page in the company of Falstaff's emissary, the young page Robin. This spurs his jealousy on, and he tests her: Ford: I think if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.Mrs. Page: Be sure of that -- two other husbands. The company of duelists and witnesses arrives from Frogmore, and the debate continues as to which of Anne Page's various suitors is most fitting to have her hand. Page explains that he favors Master Slender, while his wife prefers Doctor Caius. When the Host of the Garter mentions the gentleman Master Fenton, Page adamantly refuses to hear of such a thing: The gentleman is of no having . . . .The wealth I have waits on my consent, and myconsent goes not that way.

