Chapter: SCENE 3.

A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN.]

FALSTAFF.
Mine host of the Garter!

HOST.
What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.

FALSTAFF.
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.

HOST.
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.

FALSTAFF.
I sit at ten pounds a week.

HOST.
Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain
Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?

FALSTAFF.
Do so, good mine host.

HOST.
I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me see thee froth and
lime. I am at a word; follow.

[Exit.]

FALSTAFF.
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes
a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.

BARDOLPH.
It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.

PISTOL.
O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?

[Exit BARDOLPH.]

NYM.
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?

FALSTAFF.
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open;
his filching was like an unskilful singer--he kept not time.

NYM.
The good humour is to steal at a minim's rest.

PISTOL.
'Convey' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! A fico for the phrase!

FALSTAFF.
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

PISTOL.
Why, then, let kibes ensue.

FALSTAFF.
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.

PISTOL.
Young ravens must have food.

FALSTAFF.
Which of you know Ford of this town?

PISTOL.
I ken the wight; he is of substance good.

FALSTAFF.
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.

PISTOL.
Two yards, and more.

FALSTAFF.
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but
I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to
make love to Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the
action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour,
to be Englished rightly, is 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'

PISTOL.
He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into
English.

NYM.
The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?

FALSTAFF.
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse; he
hath a legion of angels.

PISTOL.
As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.

NYM.
The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.

FALSTAFF.
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page's wife,
who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most
judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot,
sometimes my portly belly.

PISTOL.
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.

NYM.
I thank thee for that humour.

FALSTAFF.
O! she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention
that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a
burning-glass. Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be
cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall
be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear
thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford.
We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

PISTOL.
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all!

NYM.
I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep
the haviour of reputation.

FALSTAFF.
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o' hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age;
French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.

[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN.]

PISTOL.
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor;
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!

NYM.
I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.

PISTOL.
Wilt thou revenge?

NYM.
By welkin and her star!

PISTOL.
With wit or steel?

NYM.
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.

PISTOL.
     And I to Ford shall eke unfold
       How Falstaff, varlet vile,
     His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
       And his soft couch defile.

NYM.
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison;
I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is
dangerous: that is my true humour.

PISTOL.
Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on.

[Exeunt.]




SCENE 4.

A room in DOCTOR CAIUS'S house.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, and SIMPLE.]

QUICKLY.
What, John Rugby! 

[Enter RUGBY.]

I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master,
Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i' faith, and find anybody
in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the
King's English.

RUGBY.
I'll go watch.

QUICKLY.
Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in faith, at the
latter end of a sea-coal fire.

[Exit RUGBY.]

An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house
withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst
fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that
way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple
you say your name is?

SIMPLE.
Ay, for fault of a better.

QUICKLY.
And Master Slender's your master?

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth.

QUICKLY.
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's paring-knife?

SIMPLE.
No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow
beard--a cane-coloured beard.

QUICKLY.
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between
this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.

QUICKLY.
How say you?--O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head,
as it were, and strut in his gait?

SIMPLE.
Yes, indeed, does he.

QUICKLY.
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson
Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl,
and I wish--

[Re-enter RUGBY.]

RUGBY.
Out, alas! here comes my master.

QUICKLY.
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this
closet. [Shuts SIMPLE in the closet.] He will not stay long. What,
John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my
master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home. 

[Exit Rugby.]

[Sings.] And down, down, adown-a, &c.

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.]

CAIUS.
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me
in my closet une boitine verde--a box, a green-a box: do intend vat
I speak? a green-a box.

QUICKLY.
Ay, forsooth, I'll fetch it you. [Aside] I am glad he went not in
himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.

CAIUS.
Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a la cour--
la grande affaire.

QUICKLY.
Is it this, sir?

CAIUS.
Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, quickly--Vere is dat knave,
Rugby?

QUICKLY.
What, John Rugby? John!

[Re-enter Rugby.]

RUGBY.
Here, sir.

CAIUS.
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier,
and come after my heel to de court.

RUGBY.
'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.

CAIUS.
By my trot, I tarry too long--Od's me! Qu'ay j'oublie? Dere is some
simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.

QUICKLY.
[Aside.] Ay me, he'll find the young man there, and be mad!

CAIUS.
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet?--Villainy! larron!
[Pulling SIMPLE out.]  Rugby, my rapier!

QUICKLY.
Good master, be content.

CAIUS.
Verefore shall I be content-a?

QUICKLY.
The young man is an honest man.

CAIUS.
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat
shall come in my closet.

QUICKLY.
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of
an errand to me from Parson Hugh.

CAIUS.
Vell.

SIMPLE.
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to--

QUICKLY.
Peace, I pray you.

CAIUS.
Peace-a your tongue!--Speak-a your tale.

SIMPLE.
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to
Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage.

QUICKLY.
This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger in the fire,
and need not.

CAIUS.
Sir Hugh send-a you?--Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a
little-a while. [Writes.]

QUICKLY.
I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should
have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man,
I'll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no
is, the French doctor, my master--I may call him my master, look you,
for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress
meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself--

SIMPLE.
'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.

QUICKLY.
Are you avis'd o' that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be
up early and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in your
ear,--I would have no words of it--my master himself is in love with
Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,
that's neither here nor there.

CAIUS.
You jack'nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a
shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy
jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here: by gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he
shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.

[Exit SIMPLE.]

QUICKLY.
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.

CAIUS.
It is no matter-a ver dat:--do not you tell-a me dat I shall have
Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have
appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I
vill myself have Anne Page.

QUICKLY.
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks
leave to prate: what, the good-jer!

CAIUS.
Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page,
I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.

[Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY.]

QUICKLY.
You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for
that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do;
nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.

FENTON.
[Within.] Who's within there? ho!

QUICKLY.
Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.

[Enter FENTON.]

FENTON.
How now, good woman! how dost thou?

QUICKLY.
The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask.

FENTON.
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?

QUICKLY.
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that
is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.

FENTON.
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?

QUICKLY.
Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master
Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship
a wart above your eye?

FENTON.
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?

QUICKLY.
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but,
I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour's talk
of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid's company;--but,
indeed, she is given too much to allicholy and musing. But for you
--well, go to.

FENTON.
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for thee; let me
have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.

QUICKLY.
Will I? i' faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of
the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.

FENTON.
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.

QUICKLY.
Farewell to your worship.--[Exit FENTON.] Truly, an honest gentleman;
but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as another
does. Out upon 't, what have I forgot?

[Exit.]

 Falstaff, Bardolph, Nim, and Pistol enter The Garter Inn and call for the inn's Host. Falstaff makes a deal with the Host to be housed for a certain sum, while Bardolph will double as the Host's bartender. Falstaff says he is glad to have Bardolph off his hands for a time, and tells Pistol and Nim of his plans. He announces that he means to seduce Mistress Ford. Not only does he like her good-natured attitude, but he also hears she has control over her husband's cash. He shows two letters that he wrote, one to Mistress Ford and the other to Mistress Page, who he thought also looked favorably on him. She too holds the purse-strings in her marriage, and Falstaff hopes to benefit greatly from an affair with each. He asks Pistol and Nim to convey his letters to the ladies, but they refuse, saying that they prefer to behave respectably. Falstaff exits to find someone else to take them. Pistol and Nim scorn Falstaff's base behavior. They decide to be avenged on Falstaff and plan to go to Ford and Page to reveal his plan. Meanwhile, Mistress Quickly awaits the return of her master, Doctor Caius while speaking to Simple. Simple explains his errand from Evans; Mistress Quickly thinks that Anne Page would do well to marry Slender, so she promises to urge Anne to make the match. Caius approaches, so Mistress Quickly hides Simple in a closet. Caius looks for all his equipment, for he is about to depart to visit the court. He looks in the closet and encounters Simple. Quickly explains that Simple has come with an errand from Evans, and Simple says it's true, Evans sent him to ask Quickly to put in a good word for Slender with Anne. Caius is upset; he asks for paper and writes a note. While he writes, Quickly whispers to Simple that she will do all she can for his master, but the truth is that her master is in love with Anne Page too. Caius hands his letter to Simple and announces that he will challenge Evans to a fight. He sends Simple to deliver the letter. Caius scolds Quickly, angry since she had told him she could convince Anne to marry him. Quickly insists that Anne does love him, and that Slender means nothing to her. Caius departs for court, and Quickly comments to herself that she knows Anne's mind, and doubts Anne loves either man. Master Fenton enters to ask Quickly about Anne. Quickly swears to him that Anne loves him, and says they spoke of him at length. Fenton says he'll visit her that day and departs. Quickly reiterates that she knows Anne well and is sure she doesn't love Fenton either.

