Chapter: ACT II. SCENE I.

Milan. The DUKE'S palace

Enter VALENTINE and SPEED

  SPEED. Sir, your glove.
  VALENTINE. Not mine: my gloves are on.
  SPEED. Why, then, this may be yours; for this is but one.
  VALENTINE. Ha! let me see; ay, give it me, it's mine;
    Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
    Ah, Silvia! Silvia!
  SPEED.  [Calling]  Madam Silvia! Madam Silvia!
  VALENTINE. How now, sirrah?
  SPEED. She is not within hearing, sir.
  VALENTINE. Why, sir, who bade you call her?
  SPEED. Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
  VALENTINE. Well, you'll still be too forward.
  SPEED. And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
  VALENTINE. Go to, sir; tell me, do you know Madam Silvia?
  SPEED. She that your worship loves?
  VALENTINE. Why, how know you that I am in love?
  SPEED. Marry, by these special marks: first, you have learn'd,
like
    Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms like a malcontent; to relish
a
    love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone, like one
that
    had the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had lost
his
    A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her
grandam;
    to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that
fears
    robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You
were
    wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walk'd,
to
    walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently
    after dinner; when you look'd sadly, it was for want of
money.
    And now you are metamorphis'd with a mistress, that, when I
look
    on you, I can hardly think you my master.
  VALENTINE. Are all these things perceiv'd in me?
  SPEED. They are all perceiv'd without ye.
  VALENTINE. Without me? They cannot.
  SPEED. Without you! Nay, that's certain; for, without you were
so
    simple, none else would; but you are so without these follies
    that these follies are within you, and shine through you like
the
    water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a
    physician to comment on your malady.
  VALENTINE. But tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?
  SPEED. She that you gaze on so, as she sits at supper?
  VALENTINE. Hast thou observ'd that? Even she, I mean.
  SPEED. Why, sir, I know her not.
  VALENTINE. Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet
know'st
    her not?
  SPEED. Is she not hard-favour'd, sir?
  VALENTINE. Not so fair, boy, as well-favour'd.
  SPEED. Sir, I know that well enough.
  VALENTINE. What dost thou know?
  SPEED. That she is not so fair as, of you, well-favour'd.
  VALENTINE. I mean that her beauty is exquisite, but her favour
    infinite.
  SPEED. That's because the one is painted, and the other out of
all
    count.
  VALENTINE. How painted? and how out of count?
  SPEED. Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no man
counts
    of her beauty.
  VALENTINE. How esteem'st thou me? I account of her beauty.
  SPEED. You never saw her since she was deform'd.
  VALENTINE. How long hath she been deform'd?
  SPEED. Ever since you lov'd her.
  VALENTINE. I have lov'd her ever since I saw her, and still
    I see her beautiful.
  SPEED. If you love her, you cannot see her.
  VALENTINE. Why?
  SPEED. Because Love is blind. O that you had mine eyes; or your
own
    eyes had the lights they were wont to have when you chid at
Sir
    Proteus for going ungarter'd!
  VALENTINE. What should I see then?
  SPEED. Your own present folly and her passing deformity; for
he,
    being in love, could not see to garter his hose; and you,
being
    in love, cannot see to put on your hose.
  VALENTINE. Belike, boy, then you are in love; for last morning
you
    could not see to wipe my shoes.
  SPEED. True, sir; I was in love with my bed. I thank you, you
    swing'd me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide
you
    for yours.
  VALENTINE. In conclusion, I stand affected to her.
  SPEED. I would you were set, so your affection would cease.
  VALENTINE. Last night she enjoin'd me to write some lines to
one
    she loves.
  SPEED. And have you?
  VALENTINE. I have.
  SPEED. Are they not lamely writ?
  VALENTINE. No, boy, but as well as I can do them.

                           Enter SILVIA

    Peace! here she comes.
  SPEED.  [Aside]  O excellent motion! O exceeding puppet!
    Now will he interpret to her.
  VALENTINE. Madam and mistress, a thousand good morrows.
  SPEED.  [Aside]  O, give ye good ev'n!
    Here's a million of manners.
  SILVIA. Sir Valentine and servant, to you two thousand.
  SPEED.  [Aside]  He should give her interest, and she gives it
him.
  VALENTINE. As you enjoin'd me, I have writ your letter
    Unto the secret nameless friend of yours;
    Which I was much unwilling to proceed in,
    But for my duty to your ladyship.
  SILVIA. I thank you, gentle servant. 'Tis very clerkly done.
  VALENTINE. Now trust me, madam, it came hardly off;
    For, being ignorant to whom it goes,
    I writ at random, very doubtfully.
  SILVIA. Perchance you think too much of so much pains?
  VALENTINE. No, madam; so it stead you, I will write,
    Please you command, a thousand times as much;
    And yet-
  SILVIA. A pretty period! Well, I guess the sequel;
    And yet I will not name it- and yet I care not.
    And yet take this again- and yet I thank you-
    Meaning henceforth to trouble you no more.
  SPEED.  [Aside]  And yet you will; and yet another' yet.'
  VALENTINE. What means your ladyship? Do you not like it?
  SILVIA. Yes, yes; the lines are very quaintly writ;
    But, since unwillingly, take them again.
    Nay, take them.                      [Gives hack the letter]
  VALENTINE. Madam, they are for you.
  SILVIA. Ay, ay, you writ them, sir, at my request;
    But I will none of them; they are for you:
    I would have had them writ more movingly.
  VALENTINE. Please you, I'll write your ladyship another.
  SILVIA. And when it's writ, for my sake read it over;
    And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
  VALENTINE. If it please me, madam, what then?
  SILVIA. Why, if it please you, take it for your labour.
    And so good morrow, servant.                     Exit SILVIA
  SPEED. O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
    As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
    My master sues to her; and she hath taught her suitor,
    He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
    O excellent device! Was there ever heard a better,
    That my master, being scribe, to himself should write the
letter?
  VALENTINE. How now, sir! What are you reasoning with yourself?
  SPEED. Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.
  VALENTINE. To do what?
  SPEED. To be a spokesman from Madam Silvia?
  VALENTINE. To whom?
  SPEED. To yourself; why, she woos you by a figure.
  VALENTINE. What figure?
  SPEED. By a letter, I should say.
  VALENTINE. Why, she hath not writ to me.
  SPEED. What need she, when she hath made you write to yourself?
    Why, do you not perceive the jest?
  VALENTINE. No, believe me.
  SPEED. No believing you indeed, sir. But did you perceive her
    earnest?
  VALENTINE. She gave me none except an angry word.
  SPEED. Why, she hath given you a letter.
  VALENTINE. That's the letter I writ to her friend.
  SPEED. And that letter hath she deliver'd, and there an end.
  VALENTINE. I would it were no worse.
  SPEED. I'll warrant you 'tis as well.
    'For often have you writ to her; and she, in modesty,
    Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;
    Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,
    Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her
lover.'
    All this I speak in print, for in print I found it. Why muse
you,
    sir? 'Tis dinner time.
  VALENTINE. I have din'd.
  SPEED. Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can feed
on
    the air, I am one that am nourish'd by my victuals, and would
    fain have meat. O, be not like your mistress! Be moved, be
moved.
                                                          Exeunt

 Back in Milan, Speed helps Valentine put on his gloves and finds a third glove that belongs to Silvia--the girl with whom Valentine has recently fallen head over heels in love. Speed teases Valentine about his crush and says that Valentine's been moping around like a lovesick puppy: sighing, folding his arms, singing love songs, refusing to eat, and crying like a girl weeping over her dead grandmother . Then Speed proceeds to insult Valentine and Silvia by implying that Silvia is ugly but Valentine thinks she's beautiful because he's wearing love goggles. Valentine says that regardless of what Speed says or thinks, he likes Sylvia. Although last night she asked him to write a love letter to someone for her. Speed asks if he did it, and Valentine says he did the best he could. Silvia enters and lovelorn Valentine proceeds to shower her with compliments. She returns the affection, which Speed notices, though it seems to go over Valentine's head. Valentine says he wrote the love letter for her, but he didn't like writing to someone he doesn't know on her behalf. In fact, he wouldn't have done it, but because she asked, he couldn't say no. Silvia reads the letter and is disappointed with how unemotional it is. Valentine, the goofball, didn't get that she was flirting and asking him to write the letter to himself. From her. With lots of gooey love. She shoves the letter back at Valentine, telling him to try again--this time, the letter should be more passionate. When he's done writing, he should read it over and make sure it pleases him. Valentine still doesn't get it. Why should the letter please him when it's being written for some anonymous bloke? Poor Valentine continues to be baffled by Sylvia's behavior until Speed explains why Sylvia is so upset. He says that Valentine has written to Sylvia, sure, but she may not be able to write back--either because she doesn't have time, because she's too modest, or because she's worried that a messenger would read her letter and her reputation would be ruined. So...she's been very clever in getting Valentine to write to himself . Speed announces it's dinner time, but Valentine isn't hungry. He's full of love. Speed says that's great, buddy, but I need real food. So they go.

