Chapter: [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE
'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father
wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away
with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too
summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my
recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed--but I
can assure him it is very sincere. So, so--here he comes. He looks
plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY
No--I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these
fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had
almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy!
Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his
brothers and sisters!--for putting him, at twelve years old, into a
marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his
pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I
never will see him more, never--never--never.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.

Sir ANTHONY
Fellow, get out of my way!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir ANTHONY
I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

ABSOLUTE
A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to
submit entirely to your will.

Sir ANTHONY
What's that?

ABSOLUTE
I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past
goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, sir?

ABSOLUTE
I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to
mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, puppy?

ABSOLUTE
Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is--a resolution to
sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir ANTHONY
Why now you talk sense--absolute sense--I never heard anything more
sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE
I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY
Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really
is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented
my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture--prepare.
What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay--I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the
matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully
irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love!
Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the
insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips
smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly
pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY
Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your
age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt
indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have
touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
To please my father! zounds! not to please--Oh, my father--odd
so!--yes--yes; if my father indeed had desired--that's quite another
matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I repeat it--if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire.
Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you
please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two,
one eye, and a few more graces of that kind--now, without being very
nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual
number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may
be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of
two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir ANTHONY
What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!--a vile,
insensible stock. You a soldier!--you're a walking block, fit only to
dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to
marry the girl myself!

ABSOLUTE
I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing
Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or
if you should change your mind, and take the old lady--'tis the same to
me--I'll marry the niece.

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but,
come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie--I'm
sure it must--come, now--damn your demure face!--come, confess
Jack--you have been lying, ha'n't you? You have been playing the
hypocrite, hey!--I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and
playing the hypocrite.

ABSOLUTE
I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be
so mistaken.

Sir ANTHONY
Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note
to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall
be the Promethean torch to you--come along, I'll never forgive you, if
you don't come back stark mad with rapture and impatience--if you
don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

[Exeunt.]

 The North Parade. Jack has learned that the girl his father wants him to marry is "the very girl plotting to run away with. When his father, Anthony, comes in, Jack tells him that he has thought about it and he is willing to marry the woman his father has chosen. Anthony is pleased to hear it, and tells Jack that he is marrying him off to Lydia Languish. Playing with his father, Jack pretends to be indifferent to Lydia, even though Anthony was excited to present such an eligible, young, and beautiful woman to his son. What think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen. Anthony squawks, determined to convince Jack that he has found a good match. When Jack remains indifferent, Anthony says, "Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you. When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket. Frustrated, Anthony becomes determined to send Jack to Lydia at once

