Chapter: [Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS
I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience!
these officers are always in one's way in love affairs:--I remember I
might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a
little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a
sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to
be so fond of them--unless it be a touch of the old serpent in 'em,
that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of
red cloth. Ha! isn't this the captain coming?--faith it is!--There is a
probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking!
Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside.]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for
all my schemes, upon my soul!--a little gipsy!--I did not think her
romance could have made her so damned absurd either. 'Sdeath, I never
was in a worse humour in my life!--I could cut my own throat, or any
other person's, with the greatest pleasure in the world!

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a
sweeter temper for my purpose--to be sure I'm just come in the nick!
Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel
genteelly.--[Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter,
captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you.

ABSOLUTE
Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:--because, sir,
I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir LUCIUS
That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an
untruth as well as speak one.

ABSOLUTE
Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think
they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

Sir LUCIUS
Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same
thing.

ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman,
upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for
what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot
conceive!

Sir LUCIUS
I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your
apprehension.--[Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.

ABSOLUTE
Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations.--But I
should be glad you would please to explain your motives.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands;
we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory
is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on me
within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it
be this evening--here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be
interrupted.

Sir LUCIUS
Faith! that same interruption in affairs of this nature shows very
great ill-breeding. I don't know what's the reason, but in England if a
thing of this kind gets wind, people make such a pother, that a
gentleman can never fight in peace and quietness. However, if it's the
same to you, captain, I should take it as a particular kindness if
you'd let us meet in King's-Mead-Fields, as a little business will call
me there about six o'clock, and I may despatch both matters at once.

ABSOLUTE
'Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will discuss
this matter more seriously.

Sir LUCIUS
If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small-sword light, though
it won't do for a long shot. So that matter's settled, and my mind's at
ease! [Exit.]

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

ABSOLUTE
Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons of
spite and disappointment have conspired against me! I'm so vex'd, that
if I had not the prospect of a resource in being knocked o' the head
by-and-by, I should scarce have spirits to tell you the cause.

FAULKLAND
What can you mean?--Has Lydia changed her mind?--I should have thought
her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same object.

ABSOLUTE
Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye was
fixed on me, t'other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when
duty bid her point that the same way, off t'other turned on a swivel,
and secured its retreat with a frown!

FAULKLAND
But what's the resource you----

ABSOLUTE
Oh, to wind up the whole, a good-natured Irishman here has--[Mimicking
Sir LUCIUS] begged leave to have the pleasure of cutting my throat; and
I mean to indulge him--that's all.

FAULKLAND
Prithee, be serious!

ABSOLUTE
'Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O'Trigger--you know him by
sight--for some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged
me to meet him this evening at six o'clock: 'tis on that account I
wished to see you; you must go with me.

FAULKLAND
Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain
himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening
did you say? I wish it had been any other time.

ABSOLUTE
Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be
very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot.
Confound his long shots.

FAULKLAND
But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with
Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that
I shall not be myself till we are reconciled.

ABSOLUTE
By heavens! Faulkland, you don't deserve her!

[Enter SERVANT, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exit.]

FAULKLAND
Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may be to
take a last leave!--perhaps to bid me return her letters, and
restore--Oh, how I suffer for my folly!

ABSOLUTE
Here, let me see.--[Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final
sentence, indeed!--'tis all over with you, faith!

FAULKLAND
Nay, Jack, don't keep me in suspense!

ABSOLUTE
Here then--[Reads.] _As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland's own
reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I
will not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as
possible. Yours ever and truly,_ Julia. There's stubbornness and
resentment for you!--[Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don't seem
one whit the happier at this!

FAULKLAND
O yes, I am; but--but----

ABSOLUTE
Confound your buts! you never hear any thing that would make another
man bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but!

FAULKLAND
Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly--don't you think there is
something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive?
Women should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from
us. They should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness; and their
pardon, like their love, should "not unsought be won."

ABSOLUTE
I have not patience to listen to you! thou'rt incorrigible! so say no
more on the subject. I must go to settle a few matters. Let me see you
before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor industrious devil like me,
who have toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain my ends, and am at
last disappointed by other people's folly, may in pity be allowed to
swear and grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave to
fretfulness and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating,
is a subject more fit for ridicule than compassion! [Exit.]

FAULKLAND
I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite nicety
for the gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! His
engaging me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will
instantly pursue. I'll use it as the touchstone of Julia's sincerity
and disinterestedness. If her love prove pure and sterling ore, my name
will rest on it with honour; and once I've stamped it there, I lay
aside my doubts for ever! But if the dross of selfishness, the alloy of
pride, predominate, 'twill be best to leave her as a toy for some less
cautious fool to sigh for! [Exit.]

 At Malaprop's lodgings, Malaprop and Lydia discuss Jack Absolute and Beverley. Malaprop thinks Jack is very handsome indeed, but Lydia stubbornly insists that she still loves Beverley. A servant announces the arrival of Anthony and Jack Absolute, and Malaprop tells him to bring them up, before telling Lydia to "show good breeding. Lydia is determined to be impolite to Jack, so much so that she decides to not even look at him when he comes in, looking away from the door. Anthony and Jack enter and Jack notices that Lydia is refusing to look at him. He asks his father to leave them alone, but he will not, entreating his son to speak to Lydia. Finally, Jack resolves to alter his voice and speaks to Lydia in a "low hoarse tone. With no other hope, Jack speaks to Lydia in an aside in his own voice, telling her to "suppress all surprise at present. When Lydia turns around and sees him, she recognizes him as Beverley, which confuses Malaprop and Anthony. Jack admits that, indeed, he has disguised himself as Beverley to win Lydia's affection, and Lydia disappointedly says, "So. there will be no elopement after all. Anthony is mad that Jack would mount such an elaborate charade and compromise his reputation. Malaprop is also offended by Jack's ruse, realizing that it was he who wrote such unflattering descriptions of her in his letters. Anthony encourages Malaprop to forgive them and delight in the fact that they are in love, and the two elders leave the room, singing. Jack goes to Lydia and notices that she is disappointed that he is actually a wealthy young captain. She says to him, "Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by a mean, unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud. What, you have been treating me like a child. humouring my romance. and laughing, I suppose, at your success. She bemoans the fact that she thought she was rebelling against her family, but was actually falling in love with precisely the person her aunt and father want her to marry. As Jack flatters Lydia and looks at a picture of her, she bursts into tears, and storms out of the room, vowing not to marry him

