Chapter: ACT II. SCENE 1.
The Grecian camp

Enter Ajax and THERSITES

  AJAX. Thersites!
  THERSITES. Agamemnon-how if he had boils full, an over, generally?
  AJAX. Thersites!
  THERSITES. And those boils did run-say so. Did not the general run
    then? Were not that a botchy core?
  AJAX. Dog!
  THERSITES. Then there would come some matter from him;
    I see none now.
  AJAX. Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear? Feel, then.
                                                  [Strikes him.]
  THERSITES. The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted
    lord!
  AJAX. Speak, then, thou whinid'st leaven, speak. I will beat thee
    into handsomeness.
  THERSITES. I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness; but I
    think thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a
    prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? A red murrain
    o' thy jade's tricks!
  AJAX. Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
  THERSITES. Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
  AJAX. The proclamation!
  THERSITES. Thou art proclaim'd, a fool, I think.
  AJAX. Do not, porpentine, do not; my fingers itch.
  THERSITES. I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the
    scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in
    Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as
    slow as another.
  AJAX. I say, the proclamation.
  THERSITES. Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles; and
    thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at
    Proserpina's beauty-ay, that thou bark'st at him.
  AJAX. Mistress Thersites!
  THERSITES. Thou shouldst strike him.
  AJAX. Cobloaf!
  THERSITES. He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a
    sailor breaks a biscuit.
  AJAX. You whoreson cur!                          [Strikes him]
  THERSITES. Do, do.
  AJAX. Thou stool for a witch!
  THERSITES. Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more
    brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinico may tutor thee. You
    scurvy valiant ass! Thou art here but to thrash Troyans, and thou
    art bought and sold among those of any wit like a barbarian
    slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel and tell
    what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
  AJAX. You dog!
  THERSITES. You scurvy lord!
  AJAX. You cur!                                   [Strikes him]
  THERSITES. Mars his idiot! Do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.

                 Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS

  ACHILLES. Why, how now, Ajax! Wherefore do you thus?
    How now, Thersites! What's the matter, man?
  THERSITES. You see him there, do you?
  ACHILLES. Ay; what's the matter?
  THERSITES. Nay, look upon him.
  ACHILLES. So I do. What's the matter?
  THERSITES. Nay, but regard him well.
  ACHILLES. Well! why, so I do.
  THERSITES. But yet you look not well upon him; for who some ever
    you take him to be, he is Ajax.
  ACHILLES. I know that, fool.
  THERSITES. Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
  AJAX. Therefore I beat thee.
  THERSITES. Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! His
    evasions have ears thus long. I have bobb'd his brain more than
    he has beat my bones. I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and
    his pia mater is not worth the ninth part of a sparrow. This
    lord, Achilles, Ajax-who wears his wit in his belly and his guts
    in his head-I'll tell you what I say of him.
  ACHILLES. What?
  THERSITES. I say this Ajax-        [AJAX offers to strike him]
  ACHILLES. Nay, good Ajax.
  THERSITES. Has not so much wit-
  ACHILLES. Nay, I must hold you.
  THERSITES. As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he
    comes to fight.
  ACHILLES. Peace, fool.
  THERSITES. I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not-
    he there; that he; look you there.
  AJAX. O thou damned cur! I shall-
  ACHILLES. Will you set your wit to a fool's?
  THERSITES. No, I warrant you, the fool's will shame it.
  PATROCLUS. Good words, Thersites.
  ACHILLES. What's the quarrel?
  AJAX. I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the
    proclamation, and he rails upon me.
  THERSITES. I serve thee not.
  AJAX. Well, go to, go to.
  THERSITES. I serve here voluntary.
  ACHILLES. Your last service was suff'rance; 'twas not voluntary. No
    man is beaten voluntary. Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as
    under an impress.
  THERSITES. E'en so; a great deal of your wit too lies in your
    sinews, or else there be liars. Hector shall have a great catch
    an he knock out either of your brains: 'a were as good crack a
    fusty nut with no kernel.
  ACHILLES. What, with me too, Thersites?
  THERSITES. There's Ulysses and old Nestor-whose wit was mouldy ere
    your grandsires had nails on their toes-yoke you like draught
    oxen, and make you plough up the wars.
  ACHILLES. What, what?
  THERSITES. Yes, good sooth. To Achilles, to Ajax, to-
  AJAX. I shall cut out your tongue.
  THERSITES. 'Tis no matter; I shall speak as much as thou
    afterwards.
  PATROCLUS. No more words, Thersites; peace!
  THERSITES. I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall
    I?
  ACHILLES. There's for you, Patroclus.
  THERSITES. I will see you hang'd like clotpoles ere I come any more
    to your tents. I will keep where there is wit stirring, and leave
    the faction of fools.
Exit
  PATROCLUS. A good riddance.
  ACHILLES. Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host,
    That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
    Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy,
    To-morrow morning, call some knight to arms
    That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
    Maintain I know not what; 'tis trash. Farewell.
  AJAX. Farewell. Who shall answer him?
  ACHILLES. I know not; 'tis put to lott'ry. Otherwise. He knew his
    man.
  AJAX. O, meaning you! I will go learn more of it.
Exeunt

 Ajax and Thersites enter. Thersites is railing at Agamemnon, wondering how he would be if he had running sores on his body. He puns that if he did, he would have a botchy core - a carbuncular boil or a lumpy heart. The punning Thersites says that if Agamemnon did have running boils then that would mean that he had some matter - which can be interpreted as pus or good sense and reasoned argument - both of which Thersites cant see in Agamemnon. Ajax keeps trying to interrupt, but Thersites goes on until the former is reduced to abuse and finally physical assault. Exasperated at being ignored, Ajax hits Thersites, who then curses him with the plague and calls him a mongrel - a reference to his half-Greek and half-Trojan parentage, and a beef-witted lord. Ajax threatens to continue to beat Thersites unless he speaks the truth instead of indulging in malicious abuse. Thersites replies that he would have attempted to rant Ajax into intelligence but he is so dumb that his horse would probably be more capable of learning something by rote than Ajax himself could learn a prayer without a book. Ajax commands him to tell him about the proclamation. But Thersites rants on. Enraged, he asks Ajax if he thinks he is a creature of such a lack of intelligence that he could be struck. Ajax persists with asking about the proclamation. Thersites says that Ajax has been proclaimed a fool. Next, Ajax calls him a porcupine and tells him not to continue in the same vein as his fingers are itching. Thersites who interrupts him, takes up the itching metaphor and turns it against Ajax. He hopes Ajax itched from head to food and that he himself could scratch him and makes of him the most horrible scab in Greece. Ajax still wants to hear the proclamation. Thersites says that Ajax is as envious of Achilles as the Cerberes, the three-headed dog guardian of Hades who is supposed to fight with and mutilate suitors for the hand of Proserpina, and is hence assumed to be envious of her beauty. Ajax calls him Mistress Thersites - a jeering reference to Thersites scolding. Thersites tells Ajax to strike Achilles. Ajax calls him a cobloaf. Thersites continues that Achilles would then pound Ajax into shivers with his fist as easily as a sailor breaks a biscuit. This is too much for Ajax who beats Thersites again. But there is no stopping Thersites and he continues to rant. Ajax calls him a stool for a witch, a small, low, contemptible object. Thersites is unstoppable. He calls Ajax a sodden-witted lord who has no more brain than he, Thersites has in his own elbows; a little ass might tutor him. He continues that Ajax who was there to thrash the Trojans had been bought and sold like a barbarian slave by those of greater intelligence. He calls him a thing of no bowels or someone with no feelings and tells him that if he continued to beat him, he would take each inch of his person, beginning at his heel, and tell him what exactly he was. Ajax and Thersites continue to abuse each other and Ajax beats him again. Achilles and Patroclus enter. Achilles asks Ajax why he is beating Thersites and then turns to the latter and asks him what the matter is Thersites points to Ajax begins playing the typical clowns routine that makes use of repetition. He asks Achilles to look at Ajax so many times that Achilles himself grows exasperated. He then puns on Ajaxs name. He is Ajax he says. Achilles doesnt get it. She is exasperated and says I know that, fool, and the quick-witted Thersites takes the statement to mean that Achilles knows that fool Ajax. He replies that the fool Ajax didnt know himself. Ajax says thats why he beats him.

