Chapter: ACT V. SCENE 1.
The Grecian camp. Before the tent of ACHILLES

Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS

  ACHILLES. I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
    Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
    Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
  PATROCLUS. Here comes Thersites.

                   Enter THERSITES

  ACHILLES. How now, thou core of envy!
    Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
  THERSITES. Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of
    idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
  ACHILLES. From whence, fragment?
  THERSITES. Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
  PATROCLUS. Who keeps the tent now?
  THERSITES. The surgeon's box or the patient's wound.
  PATROCLUS. Well said, Adversity! and what needs these tricks?
  THERSITES. Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou
    art said to be Achilles' male varlet.
  PATROCLUS. Male varlet, you rogue! What's that?
  THERSITES. Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of
    the south, the guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o' gravel
    in the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten
    livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
    limekilns i' th' palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-
    simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous
    discoveries!
  PATROCLUS. Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou
    to curse thus?
  THERSITES. Do I curse thee?
  PATROCLUS. Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson
    indistinguishable cur, no.
  THERSITES. No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial
    skein of sleid silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye,
    thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is
    pest'red with such water-flies-diminutives of nature!
  PATROCLUS. Out, gall!
  THERSITES. Finch egg!
  ACHILLES. My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
    From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
    Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
    A token from her daughter, my fair love,
    Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
    An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
    Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
    My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
    Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
    This night in banqueting must all be spent.
    Away, Patroclus!              Exit with PATROCLUS
  THERSITES. With too much blood and too little brain these two may
    run mad; but, if with too much brain and to little blood they do,
    I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow
    enough, and one that loves quails, but he has not so much brain
    as ear-wax; and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his
    brother, the bull, the primitive statue and oblique memorial of
    cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his
    brother's leg-to what form but that he is, should wit larded with
    malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass, were
    nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both
    ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a
    lizard, an owl, a put-tock, or a herring without a roe, I would
    not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny.
    Ask me not what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care
    not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day!
    sprites and fires!

         Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,
            NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights

  AGAMEMNON. We go wrong, we go wrong.
  AJAX. No, yonder 'tis;
    There, where we see the lights.
  HECTOR. I trouble you.
  AJAX. No, not a whit.

                    Re-enter ACHILLES

  ULYSSES. Here comes himself to guide you.
  ACHILLES. Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.
  AGAMEMNON. So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;
    Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
  HECTOR. Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' general.
  MENELAUS. Good night, my lord.
  HECTOR. Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
  THERSITES. Sweet draught! 'Sweet' quoth 'a?
    Sweet sink, sweet sewer!
  ACHILLES. Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
    That go or tarry.
  AGAMEMNON. Good night.
                     Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS
  ACHILLES. Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
    Keep Hector company an hour or two.
  DIOMEDES. I cannot, lord; I have important business,
    The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
  HECTOR. Give me your hand.
  ULYSSES. [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to
    Calchas' tent; I'll keep you company.
  TROILUS. Sweet sir, you honour me.
  HECTOR. And so, good night.
                 Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following
  ACHILLES. Come, come, enter my tent.
                            Exeunt all but THERSITES
  THERSITES. That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust
    knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a
    serpent when he hisses. He will spend his mouth and promise, like
    Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell
    it: it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
    borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather
    leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps a
    Troyan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll after.
    Nothing but lechery! All incontinent varlets!
Exit

 Enter Achilles and Patroclus. Achilles tells Patroclus that he will get Hector drunk that night which will probably make it easier for him to kill him on the following day. Let us feast him to the height he says. Thersites enters. With something that amounts to affection, Achilles calls Thersites a core of envy and a scabby boil, and asks him whats the news? Thersites returns the insult in his own inimitable way, calling Achilles an idol of idiot-worshippers before he hands him a letter. Again attempting to insult him Achilles asks him From whence, fragment? Thersites calls Achilles a full dish of fool in return and tells him the letter is from Troy. Patroclus asks him who keeps the roll of gauze or medicated material that is used for cleaning a wound. Thersites asks him if he wants the surgeons box or the patients wound. Patroclus asks him why he is being perverse. Thersites insultingly calls Patroclus a boy and asks him to be silent as he did not profit by his talk. He adds that Patroclus is said to be Achilles male varlet. Patroclus asks him what a male varlet is. He then launches into a catalogue of diseases that he hopes will plague the manifestations of such perversions as homosexuality. An indignant Patroclus asks him what means thou to curse thus? Thersites asks if he curses him. Equally ironically Patroclus replies Why, no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no. No? mocks Thersites, and asks Patroclus why then is he so exasperated. He then continues the litany of ingenious abuse calling Patroclus thou idle immaterial skein of sleave silk, thou green sarse-net flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigals purse: ah, how the poor world is pestered with such water-flies, diminutives of nature! Patroclus calls him a bitter railer and asks him to get out. Thersites returns the abuse with Finch egg! - A finch is a small bird and egg was a contemptuous term.. All this while Achilles has been reading the letter from Troy and at this point, he turns to Patroclus and tells him that the letter accompanied by a love token from Polyxena, is from Queen Hecuba. Both the letter and token bind him to keep a promise - he had sworn to Hecuba that if he won Polyxena, he would make the Greeks raise the siege and retire. Achilles says the Greeks might do as they please as his major vow lies with Polyxena and Hecuba and he would obey it. He then asks Thersites to help put his tent in order and says that this night in banqueting must all be spent. before he exits with Patroclus.

