Chapter: The Wavering Balance


I said that Maggie went home that evening from the Red Deeps with a
mental conflict already begun. You have seen clearly enough, in her
interview with Philip, what that conflict was. Here suddenly was an
opening in the rocky wall which shut in the narrow valley of
humiliation, where all her prospect was the remote, unfathomed sky;
and some of the memory-haunting earthly delights were no longer out of
her reach. She might have books, converse, affection; she might hear
tidings of the world from which her mind had not yet lost its sense of
exile; and it would be a kindness to Philip too, who was
pitiable,--clearly not happy. And perhaps here was an opportunity
indicated for making her mind more worthy of its highest service;
perhaps the noblest, completest devoutness could hardly exist without
some width of knowledge; _must_ she always live in this resigned
imprisonment? It was so blameless, so good a thing that there should
be friendship between her and Philip; the motives that forbade it were
so unreasonable, so unchristian! But the severe monotonous warning
came again and again,--that she was losing the simplicity and
clearness of her life by admitting a ground of concealment; and that,
by forsaking the simple rule of renunciation, she was throwing herself
under the seductive guidance of illimitable wants. She thought she had
won strength to obey the warning before she allowed herself the next
week to turn her steps in the evening to the Red Deeps. But while she
was resolved to say an affectionate farewell to Philip, how she looked
forward to that evening walk in the still, fleckered shade of the
hollows, away from all that was harsh and unlovely; to the
affectionate, admiring looks that would meet her; to the sense of
comradeship that childish memories would give to wiser, older talk; to
the certainty that Philip would care to hear everything she said,
which no one else cared for! It was a half-hour that it would be very
hard to turn her back upon, with the sense that there would be no
other like it. Yet she said what she meant to say; she looked firm as
well as sad.

"Philip, I have made up my mind; it is right that we should give each
other up, in everything but memory. I could not see you without
concealment--stay, I know what you are going to say,--it is other
people's wrong feelings that make concealment necessary; but
concealment is bad, however it may be caused. I feel that it would be
bad for me, for us both. And then, if our secret were discovered,
there would be nothing but misery,--dreadful anger; and then we must
part after all, and it would be harder, when we were used to seeing
each other."

Philip's face had flushed, and there was a momentary eagerness of
expression, as if he had been about to resist this decision with all
his might.

But he controlled himself, and said, with assumed calmness: "Well,
Maggie, if we must part, let us try and forget it for one half hour;
let us talk together a little while, for the last time."

He took her hand, and Maggie felt no reason to withdraw it; his
quietness made her all the more sure she had given him great pain, and
she wanted to show him how unwillingly she had given it. They walked
together hand in hand in silence.

"Let us sit down in the hollow," said Philip, "where we stood the last
time. See how the dog-roses have strewed the ground, and spread their
opal petals over it."

They sat down at the roots of the slanting ash.

"I've begun my picture of you among the Scotch firs, Maggie," said
Philip, "so you must let me study your face a little, while you
stay,--since I am not to see it again. Please turn your head this
way."

This was said in an entreating voice, and it would have been very hard
of Maggie to refuse. The full, lustrous face, with the bright black
coronet, looked down like that of a divinity well pleased to be
worshipped, on the pale-hued, small-featured face that was turned up
to it.

"I shall be sitting for my second portrait then," she said, smiling.
"Will it be larger than the other?"

"Oh yes, much larger. It is an oil-painting. You will look like a tall
Hamadryad, dark and strong and noble, just issued from one of the
fir-trees, when the stems are casting their afternoon shadows on the
grass."

"You seem to think more of painting than of anything now, Philip?"

"Perhaps I do," said Philip, rather sadly; "but I think of too many
things,--sow all sorts of seeds, and get no great harvest from any one
of them. I'm cursed with susceptibility in every direction, and
effective faculty in none. I care for painting and music; I care for
classic literature, and mediaeval literature, and modern literature; I
flutter all ways, and fly in none."

"But surely that is a happiness to have so many tastes,--to enjoy so
many beautiful things, when they are within your reach," said Maggie,
musingly. "It always seemed to me a sort of clever stupidity only to
have one sort of talent,--almost like a carrier-pigeon."

"It might be a happiness to have many tastes if I were like other
men," said Philip, bitterly. "I might get some power and distinction
by mere mediocrity, as they do; at least I should get those middling
satisfactions which make men contented to do without great ones. I
might think society at St. Ogg's agreeable then. But nothing could
make life worth the purchase-money of pain to me, but some faculty
that would lift me above the dead level of provincial existence. Yes,
there is one thing,--a passion answers as well as a faculty."

Maggie did not hear the last words; she was struggling against the
consciousness that Philip's words had set her own discontent vibrating
again as it used to do.

"I understand what you mean," she said, "though I know so much less
than you do. I used to think I could never bear life if it kept on
being the same every day, and I must always be doing things of no
consequence, and never know anything greater. But, dear Philip, I
think we are only like children that some one who is wiser is taking
care of. Is it not right to resign ourselves entirely, whatever may be
denied us? I have found great peace in that for the last two or three
years, even joy in subduing my own will."

"Yes, Maggie," said Philip, vehemently; "and you are shutting yourself
up in a narrow, self-delusive fanaticism, which is only a way of
escaping pain by starving into dulness all the highest powers of your
nature. Joy and peace are not resignation; resignation is the willing
endurance of a pain that is not allayed, that you don't expect to be
allayed. Stupefaction is not resignation; and it is stupefaction to
remain in ignorance,--to shut up all the avenues by which the life of
your fellow-men might become known to you. I am not resigned; I am not
sure that life is long enough to learn that lesson. _You_ are not
resigned; you are only trying to stupefy yourself."

Maggie's lips trembled; she felt there was some truth in what Philip
said, and yet there was a deeper consciousness that, for any immediate
application it had to her conduct, it was no better than falsity. Her
double impression corresponded to the double impulse of the speaker.
Philip seriously believed what he said, but he said it with vehemence
because it made an argument against the resolution that opposed his
wishes. But Maggie's face, made more childlike by the gathering tears,
touched him with a tenderer, less egotistic feeling. He took her hand
and said gently:

"Don't let us think of such things in this short half-hour, Maggie. Let
us only care about being together. We shall be friends in spite of
separation. We shall always think of each other. I shall be glad to
live as long as you are alive, because I shall think there may always
come a time when I can--when you will let me help you in some way."

"What a dear, good brother you would have been, Philip," said Maggie,
smiling through the haze of tears. "I think you would have made as
much fuss about me, and been as pleased for me to love you, as would
have satisfied even me. You would have loved me well enough to bear
with me, and forgive me everything. That was what I always longed that
Tom should do. I was never satisfied with a _little_ of anything. That
is why it is better for me to do without earthly happiness altogether.
I never felt that I had enough music,--I wanted more instruments
playing together; I wanted voices to be fuller and deeper. Do you ever
sing now, Philip?" she added abruptly, as if she had forgotten what
went before.

"Yes," he said, "every day, almost. But my voice is only middling,
like everything else in me."

"Oh, sing me something,--just one song. I _may_ listen to that before
I go,--something you used to sing at Lorton on a Saturday afternoon,
when we had the drawing-room all to ourselves, and I put my apron over
my head to listen."

"_I_ know," said Philip; and Maggie buried her face in her hands while
he sang _sotto voce_, "Love in her eyes sits playing," and then said,
"That's it, isn't it?"

"Oh no, I won't stay," said Maggie, starting up. "It will only haunt
me. Let us walk, Philip. I must go home."

She moved away, so that he was obliged to rise and follow her.

"Maggie," he said, in a tone of remonstrance, "don't persist in this
wilful, senseless privation. It makes me wretched to see you benumbing
and cramping your nature in this way. You were so full of life when
you were a child; I thought you would be a brilliant woman,--all wit
and bright imagination. And it flashes out in your face still, until
you draw that veil of dull quiescence over it."

"Why do you speak so bitterly to me, Philip?" said Maggie.

"Because I foresee it will not end well; you can never carry on this
self-torture."

"I shall have strength given me," said Maggie, tremulously.

"No, you will not, Maggie; no one has strength given to do what is
unnatural. It is mere cowardice to seek safety in negations. No
character becomes strong in that way. You will be thrown into the
world some day, and then every rational satisfaction of your nature
that you deny now will assault you like a savage appetite."

Maggie started and paused, looking at Philip with alarm in her face.

"Philip, how dare you shake me in this way? You are a tempter."

"No, I am not; but love gives insight, Maggie, and insight often gives
foreboding. _Listen_ to me,--let _me_ supply you with books; do let me
see you sometimes,--be your brother and teacher, as you said at
Lorton. It is less wrong that you should see me than that you should
be committing this long suicide."

Maggie felt unable to speak. She shook her head and walked on in
silence, till they came to the end of the Scotch firs, and she put out
her hand in sign of parting.

"Do you banish me from this place forever, then, Maggie? Surely I may
come and walk in it sometimes? If I meet you by chance, there is no
concealment in that?"

It is the moment when our resolution seems about to become
irrevocable--when the fatal iron gates are about to close upon
us--that tests our strength. Then, after hours of clear reasoning and
firm conviction, we snatch at any sophistry that will nullify our long
struggles, and bring us the defeat that we love better than victory.

Maggie felt her heart leap at this subterfuge of Philip's, and there
passed over her face that almost imperceptible shock which accompanies
any relief. He saw it, and they parted in silence.

Philip's sense of the situation was too complete for him not to be
visited with glancing fears lest he had been intervening too
presumptuously in the action of Maggie's conscience, perhaps for a
selfish end. But no!--he persuaded himself his end was not selfish. He
had little hope that Maggie would ever return the strong feeling he
had for her; and it must be better for Maggie's future life, when
these petty family obstacles to her freedom had disappeared, that the
present should not be entirely sacrificed, and that she should have
some opportunity of culture,--some interchange with a mind above the
vulgar level of those she was now condemned to live with. If we only
look far enough off for the consequence of our actions, we can always
find some point in the combination of results by which those actions
can be justified; by adopting the point of view of a Providence who
arranges results, or of a philosopher who traces them, we shall find
it possible to obtain perfect complacency in choosing to do what is
most agreeable to us in the present moment. And it was in this way
that Philip justified his subtle efforts to overcome Maggie's true
prompting against a concealment that would introduce doubleness into
her own mind, and might cause new misery to those who had the primary
natural claim on her. But there was a surplus of passion in him that
made him half independent of justifying motives. His longing to see
Maggie, and make an element in her life, had in it some of that savage
impulse to snatch an offered joy which springs from a life in which
the mental and bodily constitution have made pain predominate. He had
not his full share in the common good of men; he could not even pass
muster with the insignificant, but must be singled out for pity, and
excepted from what was a matter of course with others. Even to Maggie
he was an exception; it was clear that the thought of his being her
lover had never entered her mind.

Do not think too hardly of Philip. Ugly and deformed people have great
need of unusual virtues, because they are likely to be extremely
uncomfortable without them; but the theory that unusual virtues spring
by a direct consequence out of personal disadvantages, as animals get
thicker wool in severe climates, is perhaps a little overstrained. The
temptations of beauty are much dwelt upon, but I fancy they only bear
the same relation to those of ugliness, as the temptation to excess at
a feast, where the delights are varied for eye and ear as well as
palate, bears to the temptations that assail the desperation of
hunger. Does not the Hunger Tower stand as the type of the utmost
trial to what is human in us?

Philip had never been soothed by that mother's love which flows out to
us in the greater abundance because our need is greater, which clings
to us the more tenderly because we are the less likely to be winners
in the game of life; and the sense of his father's affection and
indulgence toward him was marred by the keener perception of his
father's faults. Kept aloof from all practical life as Philip had
been, and by nature half feminine in sensitiveness, he had some of the
woman's intolerant repulsion toward worldliness and the deliberate
pursuit of sensual enjoyment; and this one strong natural tie in his
life,--his relation as a son,--was like an aching limb to him. Perhaps
there is inevitably something morbid in a human being who is in any
way unfavorably excepted from ordinary conditions, until the good
force has had time to triumph; and it has rarely had time for that at
two-and-twenty. That force was present in Philip in much strength, but
the sun himself looks feeble through the morning mists.

 Maggie goes home from the meeting with Philip thinking that further meetings would be a kindness to him and at the same time would make "her mind more worthy of its highest service . . . ." Nevertheless, she feels a warning that she is throwing herself under the "guidance of illimitable wants." When they meet again, she says first that concealment is wrong and that discovery would bring misery. However, she agrees to stay another half-hour. Philip tells her he has started another picture of her and that he must study her now while he can. When Maggie remarks that he thinks more of painting than of anything, he replies that he thinks of too many things. He has "susceptibility in every direction, and effective faculty in none"; but unlike most men he is unsatisfied with mediocrity. Maggie says she once thought she could not bear life as it was always the same, but resignation has brought her peace. Philip tells her that "stupefaction is not resignation" and that she is trying to stupefy herself. Maggie feels the truth of this and yet feels that it is false to apply it to her conduct. Philip wishes to talk of other things while they can be together, so Maggie asks him to sing. He sings a song familiar from their days together at King's Lorton. Maggie cannot bear the memory and starts to go. Philip tries again to convince her that she cannot carry on "this self-torture." She still refuses to stay; but she does not deny Philip the opportunity to come there again and meet her by chance. She is even happy at "this subterfuge." Philip justifies this to himself by thinking that it will be "better for Maggie's future life"; but he is "half independent of justifying motives" because of his longing for Maggie. His deformity, and the fact that even Maggie feels only pity for him, only increase his need. He has never known a mother's love, and his "halffeminine . . . sensitiveness" causes a repulsion toward his father's worldliness, so that "this one strong natural tie . . . was like an aching limb to him." These also make his need greater, and his personal desire is as great as his good intentions.

