Chapter: Scene 2.

Enter Prince, Claudio, Benedicke, and Leonato.

  Prince. I doe but stay till your marriage be consummate,
and then go I toward Arragon

   Clau. Ile bring you thither my Lord, if you'l vouchsafe
me

   Prin. Nay, that would be as great a soyle in the new
glosse of your marriage, as to shew a childe his new coat
and forbid him to weare it, I will onely bee bold with
Benedicke for his companie, for from the crowne of his
head, to the sole of his foot, he is all mirth, he hath twice
or thrice cut Cupids bow-string, and the little hang-man
dare not shoot at him, he hath a heart as sound as a bell,
and his tongue is the clapper, for what his heart thinkes,
his tongue speakes

   Bene. Gallants, I am not as I haue bin

   Leo. So say I, methinkes you are sadder

   Claud. I hope he be in loue

   Prin. Hang him truant, there's no true drop of bloud
in him to be truly toucht with loue, if he be sad, he wants
money

   Bene. I haue the tooth-ach

   Prin. Draw it

   Bene. Hang it

   Claud. You must hang it first, and draw it afterwards

   Prin. What? sigh for the tooth-ach

   Leon. Where is but a humour or a worme

   Bene. Well, euery one cannot master a griefe, but hee
that has it

   Clau. Yet say I, he is in loue

   Prin. There is no appearance of fancie in him, vnlesse
it be a fancy that he hath to strange disguises, as to bee a
Dutchman to day, a Frenchman to morrow: vnlesse hee
haue a fancy to this foolery, as it appeares hee hath, hee
is no foole for fancy, as you would haue it to appeare
he is

   Clau. If he be not in loue with some woman, there
is no beleeuing old signes, a brushes his hat a mornings,
What should that bode?
  Prin. Hath any man seene him at the Barbers?
  Clau. No, but the Barbers man hath beene seen with
him, and the olde ornament of his cheeke hath alreadie
stuft tennis balls

   Leon. Indeed he lookes yonger than hee did, by the
losse of a beard

   Prin. Nay a rubs himselfe with Ciuit, can you smell
him out by that?
  Clau. That's as much as to say, the sweet youth's in
loue

   Prin. The greatest note of it is his melancholy

   Clau. And when was he wont to wash his face?
  Prin. Yea, or to paint himselfe? for the which I heare
what they say of him

   Clau. Nay, but his iesting spirit, which is now crept
into a lute-string, and now gouern'd by stops

   Prin. Indeed that tels a heauy tale for him: conclude,
he is in loue

   Clau. Nay, but I know who loues him

   Prince. That would I know too, I warrant one that
knowes him not

   Cla. Yes, and his ill conditions, and in despight of all,
dies for him

   Prin. Shee shall be buried with her face vpwards

   Bene. Yet is this no charme for the tooth-ake, old signior,
walke aside with mee, I haue studied eight or nine
wise words to speake to you, which these hobby-horses
must not heare

   Prin. For my life to breake with him about Beatrice

   Clau. 'Tis euen so, Hero and Margaret haue by this
played their parts with Beatrice, and then the two Beares
will not bite one another when they meete.
Enter Iohn the Bastard.

  Bast. My Lord and brother, God saue you

   Prin. Good den brother

   Bast. If your leisure seru'd, I would speake with you

   Prince. In priuate?
  Bast. If it please you, yet Count Claudio may heare,
for what I would speake of, concernes him

   Prin. What's the matter?
  Basta. Meanes your Lordship to be married to morrow?
  Prin. You know he does

   Bast. I know not that when he knowes what I know

   Clau. If there be any impediment, I pray you discouer
it

   Bast. You may thinke I loue you not, let that appeare
hereafter, and ayme better at me by that I now will manifest,
for my brother (I thinke, he holds you well, and in
dearenesse of heart) hath holpe to effect your ensuing
marriage: surely sute ill spent, and labour ill bestowed

   Prin. Why, what's the matter?
  Bastard. I came hither to tell you, and circumstances
shortned, (for she hath beene too long a talking of) the
Lady is disloyall

   Clau. Who Hero?
  Bast. Euen shee, Leonatoes Hero, your Hero, euery
mans Hero

   Clau. Disloyall?
  Bast. The word is too good to paint out her wickednesse,
I could say she were worse, thinke you of a worse
title, and I will fit her to it: wonder not till further warrant:
goe but with mee to night, you shal see her chamber
window entred, euen the night before her wedding
day, if you loue her, then to morrow wed her: But it
would better fit your honour to change your minde

   Claud. May this be so?
  Princ. I will not thinke it

   Bast. If you dare not trust that you see, confesse not
that you know: if you will follow mee, I will shew you
enough, and when you haue seene more, & heard more,
proceed accordingly

   Clau. If I see any thing to night, why I should not
marry her to morrow in the congregation, where I shold
wedde, there will I shame her

   Prin. And as I wooed for thee to obtaine her, I will
ioyne with thee to disgrace her

   Bast. I will disparage her no farther, till you are my
witnesses, beare it coldly but till night, and let the issue
shew it selfe

   Prin. O day vntowardly turned!
  Claud. O mischiefe strangelie thwarting!
  Bastard. O plague right well preuented! so will you
say, when you haue seene the sequele.


Enter.

 Outside his country house in Gloucestershire, Justice Shallow greets his longtime friend, Justice Silence. The two men engage in the easy banter of the middle class - they exchange pleasantries, ask after each other's families, talk about young relatives who are attending law school, the current price of livestock, and so on. It's not long before the two begin to reminisce about the "good old days," when Shallow and Silence were young students at the Inns of Court . Nowadays, so many of their old friends are dead and gone. Shallow says "Jesu, Jesu, the mad days that I have spent." The old men note that they too will be dead and gone some time soon, death being the one certainty in life. Before the Justices can think of any more of their dead friends, Bardolph and Falstaff's Page show up and announce the imminent arrival of Falstaff. The Justices ask how Falstaff's wife is doing and Bardolph replies that Falstaff is "better accommodated" than with a wife. Falstaff arrives, exchanges pleasantries with the old men, and asks if they've gathered up the men he's asked for. Shallow and Silence have indeed gathered up some men and proceed to trot out the recruits one at a time so Falstaff can inspect them and make fun of them. The first man is Mouldy who tries to get out of serving by claiming that his wife will be seriously angry at him if he leaves for battle because she won't have anyone to service her or do the household chores. Too bad, says Falstaff, who signs him up for military service anyway. Next come Shadow, Wart, and Feeble. The latter is a woman's tailor so Falstaff makes a few cracks about what a "feeble" wimp he must be. He signs up Shadow and Feeble but tells Wart to stand aside. Then a young man named Bullcalf is trotted out. When Falstaff enlists him, Bullcalf complains that he's "diseased." Apparently, he caught a cold while he was celebrating the king's recent coronation and, sadly, he's now unfit to serve the king in the army. Falstaff signs him up anyway. Enlisting unwilling men into the military is thirsty work so Justice Shallow invites Falstaff in for a drink and a nice, hot meal. Of course Falstaff will stay for a drink but he doesn't have time for dinner. Shallow can't wait to reminisce with Falstaff about the old days, when they were law students together and spent their free time raising hell in the taverns and brothels. Shallow asks if an old acquaintance, Jane Nightwork, is still alive and Falstaff says yes but she's old these days. Wow, says, Justice Silence, that was over fifty years ago. Yep, says, Falstaff, "We have heard the chimes at midnight." Translation: We've seen a whole lot in our day. We interrupt this program for a brain snack. Orson Welles loved this line so much that he made it the title of his famous film Chimes at Midnight. Now, back to our program. Shallow says "Jesu the days we have seen!" and urges Falstaff to join him and Silence for dinner. The three old school chums go inside, leaving the lackeys outside. Bullcalf steps forward and offers Bardolph a bribe. Bardolph takes it, of course. Mouldy thinks this is a good idea so he offers Bardolph money as well. Then Falstaff, Shallow, and Silence return and Bardolph informs Falstaff that Bullcalf and Mouldy have coughed up some cash so they can let them go. Falstaff excuses Mouldy and Bullcalf from service. Shallow points out that Mouldy and Bullcalf are the most able bodied men in the bunch and Falstaff pretends to be miffed that another man would tell him how to do his job. Then Falstaff makes Wart march around and demonstrate how to load and discharge a firearm before he declares that he'd take a ragged and skinny soldier like Wart over Mouldy and Bullcalf any old day of the week. Shallow points out that Wart has absolutely no idea what he's doing. Falstaff blows him off and says he's got a long way to march that night. He takes his leave of the old men but not before he tells the audience he's going to swindle Justices Shallow and Silence on his way back from the war. Then Falstaff says that all old men are liars. They love to talk about the good old days but their memories and stories are garbage.

