1601
[Date, 1601.]

Prim.  Ovo bi trebalo biti ulomak iz dnevnika Pepisa, naime nosca čaše kod Kraljice Jelisavete.  Trebao je da bude starog i plemenitog roda; da mrzi ovu smrad od književnika; da mu se duša savije vidjeti kraljicu kako se opušta do razgovora s onakvima; i da starac misli kako njegova plemenitost se kalja u društvu Shakespearea i dr., te svejedno mora ostati sve dok kraljica ga ne pusti.

SINOĆ
njezino Veličanstvo, kralijica naša, uzede si na pamet, kano što nekoć čini, ter pozva nekoje što pišu trame, knjige, i takve vrste stvari; naime gospodin moj Bacon, njegova svijetlost Sir Walter Raleigh, građanin Ben Jonson, i mladić Francis Beaumonte, ki imajuć tik šesnaes godina, veće se zajmuje prekladom latinskoga u naš engleski, mnogo vješto i od svih hvaljeno.  Sa njima također bijaše čuveni Shakespeare.  Kako li čudno mućenje vrle krve s kmetijevom, kajti pri kraljici, kano i ovi druzi: naime hercoginja Bilgewatera, od dvajset dvije godine; grofinja od Grambija, od dvajset šest; kćer njezina g. Helen, od petnaes, ter dvije kraljevične djevice časti, naime g. Margery Boothy, od šezdeset pet, pa g. Alice Dilberrz, tik sedamdeset postala, dvi godine od kraljice starija.

Ja pur kano nosilac čaše za njezino veličanstvo, neimadoh nič do ostati da ziram kako razina društvena zaboravlja se, ter da visoki govoru s niskim kano sa braćom svojom, što prijašno se nije čulo u ciljem božijem svijetu.

U žaru govora desi se da netko prnu, pustiv velji i nezgodni zadah, pokli vsi se dobro nasmijaše; ter--

KRALJICA:  Zaista za osam i šezdeset svojijeh godina ne bijah čula nigda takoga isprda. Po velikomu zvuku i trštenju mi se čini, kano je mužesko;  no trbuh ki ga kriše sada bi trebao pljosnat proti hrbta postati onoga ki je oslobodjen toliko vrloga i pustoga tovara, medtem kano trbušine tih što imadu jezičke od zvonova lijepo smirni i obli ostadu.  Neka prestupitelj prizna zločin!  Bi li gospoja Alice priznala? 

G. ALICE:  Dobra vaša svijetlosti, bih li imala mijesta za takav ispust u mojim drevnim crijevima, nije pamet da bih mogla to ispustiti a preživjeti za Bogu zahvaliti, ano izabra sluškinju tako nisku da bi silu Svoju prikazao.  Nije, nisam ja proizvela takve potpune i pobjedonosne maglice, takvog mirisljivog oblaka, ter po vašoj milosti ištite dalje.

KRALJICA:  Morda g. Margery je za nas učinila taj predobri čin?

G. MARGERY:  Vaše milosti, po rukama mojima teret od pet i šezdeset godina valja se, pur triba je da budem nježna s njima.  O svetom Božjem predviđenju, kako bih ja tu stvar u sebi držala, uistinu bih cilju večeru mojega odlazećeg života dala na isprđenje njeno, malaksane i drhteće duše, umisto ju pustiti odmah s neprimjerljivom silom njenom, kano bi ona život moj uzela na okrutno, ter kinula slabe moje kosti kano bi bili staro rublje.  Ja nisam, vaša svjetlosti.

KRALJICA:  U ime božije, tko nas odari?  Dođe li da isprd sam sebe prdi?  Ne ovakav, virujem.  Mladi g. Beaumont -- ne, bacio bi se do tavanice kano govno od guske.  Ni mlada g. Helen -- nemoj crveniti se, dijete -- ti ćeš svoje djevičanstvo mnozima iglama probosti dokli dođeš do takovega uragana.  A morda bi ti, učeni i pametni moj Jonson?

JONSON:  Toliko mukli udar nikada nije počastio moje uše, nit zadah toliko svenaočni i nesamrtni.  Ne biše to novak što to učini, vaše milosti, ali vještak -- inak se je uskratio.  Istina nisam bio ja.

KRALJICA:  Moj gospodin Bacon?

BACON:  Ne iz mojega mršava crijeva iziđe ta glomaza, miloste vaše velje.  Što je za velikaše bolje od velikoga izlaganja; a naći ćete s sigurnosti kano nije izašlo iz prosjeka ovo čudo.

[Bude li ogovoren samo isprd, ali će ova natovarena znanstvom kola duboko razlagati.  Istom taj ružni gadni zadah proždrje sva mjesta utoliko, da nigda nisam slično čuvstvao, ma nisam drzao opustiti prisustvo kraljice, iako gotovo se uguših.]

Ye Queene.--What saith ye worshipful Master Shaxpur?

Shaxpur.--In the great hand of God I stand and so proclaim mine
innocence.  Though ye sinless hosts of heaven had foretold ye coming of
this most desolating breath, proclaiming it a work of uninspired man, its
quaking thunders, its firmament-clogging rottenness his own achievement
in due course of nature, yet had not I believed it; but had said the pit
itself hath furnished forth the stink, and heaven's artillery hath shook
the globe in admiration of it.

[Then was there a silence, and each did turn him toward the worshipful
Sr Walter Ralegh, that browned, embattled, bloody swashbuckler, who
rising up did smile, and simpering say,]

Sr W.--Most gracious maisty, 'twas I that did it, but indeed it was so
poor and frail a note, compared with such as I am wont to furnish, yt in
sooth I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence.
It was nothing--less than nothing, madam--I did it but to clear my nether
throat; but had I come prepared, then had I delivered something worthy.
Bear with me, please your grace, till I can make amends.

[Then delivered he himself of such a godless and rock-shivering blast
that all were fain to stop their ears, and following it did come so dense
and foul a stink that that which went before did seem a poor and trifling
thing beside it.  Then saith he, feigning that he blushed and was
confused, I perceive that I am weak to-day, and cannot justice do unto my
powers; and sat him down as who should say, There, it is not much yet he
that hath an arse to spare, let him fellow that, an' he think he can.  By
God, an' I were ye queene, I would e'en tip this swaggering braggart out
o' the court, and let him air his grandeurs and break his intolerable
wind before ye deaf and such as suffocation pleaseth.]

Tada počeše o navicima raznojakih ljudi govoriti, ter g. Shaxpur veljaše o knjizi velegospodina Michaela de Montaine, što u njoj bijaše zamjedba o naviku udovicah Perigorda oblačiti na ...., na mužeski uveli član ličeći nakit, za udovstvo označiti, po čemu se kraljica nasmija ter reče kako također udovice u Engliterri nosaju kurce, al pod kukom, i nikako uvele, dok se to ispražnenjem ne zgodi.  Ter Master Shaxpur odmjeti, kako bijaše rekao de Montaine o nekome gospodaru take snage, da uzede deset djevojničestva za noć jedinu, dokli mu žena razvlačiše dva i dvajset viteza u postelji, ne dovoljeć se; 

Then fell they to talk about ye manners and customs of many peoples, and
Master Shaxpur spake of ye boke of ye sieur Michael de Montaine, wherein
was mention of ye custom of widows of Perigord to wear uppon ye
headdress, in sign of widowhood, a jewel in ye similitude of a man's
member wilted and limber, whereat ye queene did laugh and say widows in
England doe wear prickes too, but betwixt the thighs, and not wilted
neither, till coition hath done that office for them.  Master Shaxpur did
likewise observe how yt ye sieur de Montaine hath also spoken of a
certain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maidenheddes
in ye compass of a single night, ye while his empress did entertain two
and twenty lusty knights between her sheetes, yet was not satisfied;
whereat ye merrie Countess Granby saith a ram is yet ye emperor's
superior, sith he wil tup above a hundred yewes 'twixt sun and sun; and
after, if he can have none more to shag, will masturbate until he hath
enrich'd whole acres with his seed.

Then spake ye damned windmill, Sr Walter, of a people in ye uttermost
parts of America, yt capulate not until they be five and thirty yeres of
age, ye women being eight and twenty, and do it then but once in seven
yeres.

Ye Queene.--How doth that like my little Lady Helen?  Shall we send thee
thither and preserve thy belly?

Lady Helen.--Please your highnesses grace, mine old nurse hath told me
there are more ways of serving God than by locking the thighs together;
yet am I willing to serve him yt way too, sith your highnesses grace hath
set ye ensample.

Ye Queene.--God' wowndes a good answer, childe.

Lady Alice.--Mayhap 'twill weaken when ye hair sprouts below ye navel.

Lady Helen.--Nay, it sprouted two yeres syne; I can scarce more than
cover it with my hand now.

Ye Queene.--Hear Ye that, my little Beaumonte?  Have ye not a little
birde about ye that stirs at hearing tell of so sweete a neste?

Beaumonte.--'Tis not insensible, illustrious madam; but mousing owls and
bats of low degree may not aspire to bliss so whelming and ecstatic as is
found in ye downy nests of birdes of Paradise.

Ye Queene.--By ye gullet of God, 'tis a neat-turned compliment.  With
such a tongue as thine, lad, thou'lt spread the ivory thighs of many a
willing maide in thy good time, an' thy cod-piece be as handy as thy
speeche.

Then spake ye queene of how she met old Rabelais when she was turned of
fifteen, and he did tell her of a man his father knew that had a double
pair of bollocks, whereon a controversy followed as concerning the most
just way to spell the word, ye contention running high betwixt ye learned
Bacon and ye ingenious Jonson, until at last ye old Lady Margery,
wearying of it all, saith, 'Gentles, what mattereth it how ye shall spell
the word?  I warrant Ye when ye use your bollocks ye shall not think of
it; and my Lady Granby, be ye content; let the spelling be, ye shall
enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same, I trow.  Before
I had gained my fourteenth year I had learnt that them that would explore
a cunt stop'd not to consider the spelling o't.'

Sr W.--In sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught but
dalliance.  Boccaccio hath a story of a priest that did beguile a maid
into his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly
thankful for this tender maidenhead ye Lord had sent him; but ye abbot,
spying through ye key-hole, did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair
white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done, his
chance was gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one cunt, and
that was already occupied to her content.

Then conversed they of religion, and ye mightie work ye old dead Luther
did doe by ye grace of God.  Then next about poetry, and Master Shaxpur
did rede a part of his King Henry IV., ye which, it seemeth unto me,
is not of ye value of an arsefull of ashes, yet they praised it bravely,
one and all.

Ye same did rede a portion of his "Venus and Adonis," to their prodigious
admiration, whereas I, being sleepy and fatigued withal, did deme it but
paltry stuff, and was the more discomforted in that ye blody bucanier had
got his wind again, and did turn his mind to farting with such villain
zeal that presently I was like to choke once more.  God damn this windy
ruffian and all his breed.  I wolde that hell mighte get him.

They talked about ye wonderful defense which old Sr. Nicholas Throgmorton
did make for himself before ye judges in ye time of Mary; which was
unlucky matter to broach, sith it fetched out ye quene with a 'Pity yt
he, having so much wit, had yet not enough to save his doter's
maidenhedde sound for her marriage-bed.'  And ye quene did give ye damn'd
Sr. Walter a look yt made hym wince--for she hath not forgot he was her
own lover it yt olde day.  There was silent uncomfortableness now; 'twas
not a good turn for talk to take, sith if ye queene must find offense in
a little harmless debauching, when pricks were stiff and cunts not loathe
to take ye stiffness out of them, who of this company was sinless;
behold, was not ye wife of Master Shaxpur four months gone with child
when she stood uppe before ye altar?  Was not her Grace of Bilgewater
roger'd by four lords before she had a husband?  Was not ye little Lady
Helen born on her mother's wedding-day?  And, beholde, were not ye Lady
Alice and ye Lady Margery there, mouthing religion, whores from ye
cradle?

In time came they to discourse of Cervantes, and of the new painter,
Rubens, that is beginning to be heard of.  Fine words and dainty-wrought
phrases from the ladies now, one or two of them being, in other days,
pupils of that poor ass, Lille, himself; and I marked how that Jonson and
Shaxpur did fidget to discharge some venom of sarcasm, yet dared they not
in the presence, the queene's grace being ye very flower of ye Euphuists
herself.  But behold, these be they yt, having a specialty, and admiring
it in themselves, be jealous when a neighbor doth essaye it, nor can
abide it in them long.  Wherefore 'twas observable yt ye quene waxed
uncontent; and in time labor'd grandiose speeche out of ye mouth of Lady
Alice, who manifestly did mightily pride herself thereon, did quite
exhauste ye quene's endurance, who listened till ye gaudy speeche was
done, then lifted up her brows, and with vaste irony, mincing saith 'O
shit!' Whereat they alle did laffe, but not ye Lady Alice, yt olde
foolish bitche.

Now was Sr. Walter minded of a tale he once did hear ye ingenious
Margrette of Navarre relate, about a maid, which being like to suffer
rape by an olde archbishoppe, did smartly contrive a device to save her
maidenhedde, and said to him, First, my lord, I prithee, take out thy
holy tool and piss before me; which doing, lo his member felle, and would
not rise again.