let's try it again after three more with repetitions finally she could hear his needs and feelings stuff projections fine okay uh... event dispute between his even u_s_ and after i had tried twice projected care concedes she wasn't too much pain so i had to do what i was just demonstrated is actually i had need to give her some emergency first aid and eat before i could program by the years to get hit her two kids so that i tried two times to pull jacket but here's it's hard to do that as a keypad bike that back up so it really hurts when you hear criticism yet something about it so you didn't you know now i'd like to meet people instead so yeah i did have to do a little bit of cleaning up the mess right the every units that use for it every criticism procedure uses wants that's hard for here in the with the express all along so finally i get hurt in here his feelings and needs working halfway through business trip now okay now i try to help her so could you tell me you know what your needs well just because i made the mcdonnell regedit checkbook it'll be for that doesn't mean i would do it again he said yes we could be out of money but usanys he really frustrated and if i hear you correctly you haven't you personal trust that you can learn how to handle yes husband could you tell me that there will be out of money but excuse me excuse can you tell me what your feelings and needs please let me repeat it okay about three more repetitions he hears they're it didn't take twenty minutes to resolve it whenever i do in the situations where there's a that a lot of concrete and only in a lot of people to talk about strategies until they're connected apartment was working with two tribes in northern nigeria one christian tried one must withdraw one-quarter of the population killed in one year run out of four people killed took my colleague six months to get them to agree to come into a room together during that six months sixty people killed so time it took us to get everybody in the room together sixty people so now it's not my husband and wife i have on opposite ends of the table but the chiefs of to track i started saying we had dinner with a husband and wife like to hear you expressed your needs what needs are not being i'm pretty much testing at a time i'm not going to get an answer to my question if people have been communicating it in the level that would have been honored people so i wasn't surprised when instead of getting an answer to that question i got this back these people are not ours find it estonians and get and don diagnose so just as with the husband and wife i put my ears on translate the statement into any get the other side the here it was amazing i had to do a lot of first aid empathy gift slackware got this person behind the murders was so you are frightened of any use of violence to resolve conflict and want some agreement to resolve it and some other witnesses that okay could you say that what you heard the what's up wasn't too easy anyway after of all it took about an hour again for me to get one big stress one leader when meetings this morning and one of the chiefs who hadn't spoken yet said to me if we're not communicate this way we won't have to killed simplistic one-hour to see that if they can just that reconnected info nobody asked about there's plenty of resources for getting everybody is is that but will it was that when we get up in your head and start to penalize wrong does this need understanding developed into a well sort of a that mister give-and-take person given three of personnel no compromising and not necessary to compromise everybody's needs can get nobody has to give in nobody has to give anything up we would have to say stress and when it comes to doing things for other people because a few my theory is fight do something for someone else that gives a person powerful over me without it's a if you do anything that involves giving in both people pay for nothing has been resolved create problems so certainly dialogue newsletters so you mention that isaac needed might need literacy in my book and if you're developing the university of suggest you do the following activity identify your most frequently use jackal the ones you use the most that's the ones you love to freedom directed first analysts make a list of how you talk to yourself when you're less than perfect and uh... those of you over here said your particular to skip this part than those of you aren't perfect make a list what how are you most likely to speak for yourself when you're less than perfect so that's jackal let uh... lou but list number one make a second list whether the jackal messages that go on a new when you were andrea when you're judging others and they're angry what are you most likely to be saying to yourself or outloud the press so thats the tackle this number three list of those things that one of the people say it at the moment you respond to defensively or aggressive and put on that list of things that you have been so afraid that people might think again that you've become a nice dead person to avoid so in other words put into that was not only what people have said they got to be friends of the things you scared of the mighty okay now do this exercise to build your need matters go back over that first