"the idea that it is not worth while living for a few weeks took possession of me a month ago, when i was told that i had four weeks to live, but only partially so at that time. the idea quite overmastered me three days since, that evening at pavlofsk. the first time that i felt really impressed with this thought was on the terrace at the prince’s, at the very moment when i had taken it into my head to make a last trial of life. i wanted to see people and trees (i believe i said so myself), i got excited, i maintained burdovsky’s rights, ‘my neighbour!’ i dreamt that one and all would open their arms, and embrace me, that there would be an indescribable exchange of forgiveness between us all!