[How to Deal with Difficult Feelings] [What's the difference between shame and guilt?] These are emotions that we often use interchangeably, but it turns out they're quite different. So when people feel shame, they feel bad about themselves: "I'm a bad person for having done this." When people feel guilt, they feel bad not about the self, but about a specific behavior: "I did a bad thing." And it's a subtle distinction, but it turns out that it leads to very different motivations. So, when people feel shame about "Who I am because I did a bad thing, I'm a horrible person," there's a sense of shrinking and being small, a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. And when people feel shame, they want to hide. They want to sink into the floor and disappear. They minimize. They often blame other people. But what they don't do, typically, is try to make things better. When people feel guilt about a specific behavior -- "I feel bad that I did that" -- they're focused on the behavior and the effects on other people, and that seems to push people in a much more constructive direction. People who feel guilt about a behavior without feeling shame about the self are more inclined to confess, apologize, in some way, try to repair the harm that was done. [What’s an example of how guilt can lead a person to make a positive change?] You know, if you really have been responsible, responsibly hurt somebody else's feelings, it's your fault. And to think about that and think about the effect on the other person, I think apologizing, reconnecting with that person in some way, repairing the harm that was done. And I want to make a distinction between that and situations where people feel guilt, unwarranted guilt, unfair guilt. There are times when we feel guilty over things that we're not responsible for. And that's a different issue that is potentially problematic because it's hard to fix something that you're really not responsible for. It leaves you in a tough spot, and it's unfair. So I'm thinking of things like survivor guilt, or people who are in the position where they think they're responsible for a loved one's addiction, for example. No, that's not your responsibility, and not to feel guilt about that, and to really check, "Is this my responsibility?" Then I think in those cases, we have to kind of double-check and say, "Really, am I responsible? Is this fair? How would I advise a close friend who were in a similar situation?" No, that's not your responsibility. There's not a good reason for feeling that guilt, and it's not helpful. [How can you support someone who's struggling with shame?] I think if it's an ongoing sort of issue, that therapy is certainly an option, and I think there are many therapists who work with that and help people move away from problematic feelings of shame to being more self-compassionate and more realistic about what our responsibilities are. It could be a wise person that you trust. One of the things about shame is, when we talk about it, it tends to dispel it a little bit, make it easier to deal with if you put it into words. We often don't talk about shame at all. It's sort ... of we're almost a shame-phobic society, I think. I can't remember the last time a client came to me and said, "I feel shame." We don't use that word. I think it's so hard to manage it and get out of it, and sometimes, we feel shame over things that we have done, and then there's this other set of things that we feel ashamed of, which is who we are. So there's a really unfair shame, shame over having a stigmatized identity and internalizing that shame, for example. So people who are, you know, in one minority group or another that's stigmatized part of the issue is: Do you buy into that? Do you buy into that, and I think that's a really big question to work with. [What strategies can help people change their shame into guilt and move on?] I think that just knowing the difference between the two is sometimes an aha experience for people, if you can identify when you feel shame and sort of do some double-checking, you know, "Is it really fair for me to feel like a bad person because I lost my temper with my kids today? Does that mean I'm a horrible parent? Or am I generally a good parent, but this was a bad day, and I did a bad thing and let me address that and make amends, reconnect with my child and think about ways to avoid that going forward,” as opposed to getting mired in shame, shame, shame. I think shame is such a selfish emotion. It's all about me. It's not about the person that I hurt. It's, "Me, me, me, me, I'm a horrible person," which takes the focus off of the person you've harmed. [How do you keep yourself from buying into feelings of internalized shame?] Oh, yes -- buying into internalized shame, that's a really good question. I think, first of all, finding a good, supportive group and also finding ways to celebrate and to appreciate the strengths and the beauties of one's group, even if it's stigmatized by the community. I work with incarcerated and formerly incarcerated people. And that is one stigmatized group, let me tell you. But one way to think about it is, you know, "I have come through a rough time, and I have, in spite of so many barriers, stuck with it," and to get support from other people who have made that transition. [How can you deal with shame that you feel for not measuring up to expectations?] Yes, I guess it depends whose expectations you're thinking of. If it's our own expectations, maybe they weren't realistic, or maybe we expected too much. I think that in this world now, which moves so fast, I mean -- everybody's overloaded. There's something wrong there! About measuring up to other people's expectation, that's a really, really important one, and I think it's critical to separate out what other people's expectations are of you and what your own expectations are, what your own values are. And we care about what loved ones and other people think about us, but ultimately, we want to be true to our own values and be sensitive to others who may have different feelings, different ideas. Explain to the other person, "You know, you expect me to do X, I understand that you'd like me to do that, but I'm doing Y, and this is why. It's really important to me." [How to Deal with Difficult Feelings]