No it’s not controlling.  It’s YOU telling her what you need from her. You’re in a Relationship and those are all about compromise and understanding. And her talking to him still is a fucking deal breaker so she needs to decide what’s more important for her.  An abusive ex or you.

If she doesn’t care about you enough, then maybe it’s time to go. Simple. You tell her what you need in order to stay in the relationship. If she can’t do it, then you can’t do it either. 

Fuck this. She’s deflecting and gaslighting you. Why is her ex so important to her?  She has unresolved feelings my ass. She still not over him and if she gets a chance, she’ll fuck him.