I can relate to this pretty hard. 

I had my heart broken this past year and I felt I was pretty good at feeling my feelings. I forgave myself for being a vindictive POS, but I refused to acknowledge that I still cared about him, but that was also a feeling I was feeling. 

I was striving towards indifference really hard and I came up with 1,000 responses to conversations I never thought I'd have; each one carefully tailored to hurt him. He messaged me a few months ago and it felt really awesome to respond with 'I learned to love my life without you in it.'... for 5 minutes. Then I opened up about my feelings and matched his vulnerability and it was awesome. 

Did he deserve forgiveness? I dunno, but I deserved not to have to hold this grudge anymore. 

If I were being more honest with myself I think I would have reached out to him sooner.