I think you seriously need to start disengaging.  First step may be to find another job, you are way way way too enmeshed with him.  Being at another job will give you some needed distance.  Also I would just move out.   You will cause an earthquake in his world by doing these two things.  He will probably then try to hold onto you but it will not be worth it, it will be just panic on his part.  The guy is an abuser plain and simple no amount of counseling will help.   When men feel bad about themselves they often take it out on their woman.  You cannot fix a man, you can only save yourself, and you seem very capable of taking care of yourself.  It will get better for you if you leave, he will just get worse.