You know, I’ve been thinking about this, and your other comment below, all day. While I’m not like this, I do know people who are - who use “helping” as a form of manipulation and forcible involvement in others’ lives, and are hard done by no matter what. My dad was a narcissist, so I’ve some familiarity with the behavior. 

For others, though, we just never learned healthy boundaries for ourselves, and have such a screwed up perception of them that we don’t know how to say no, and feel awful if we even try. We don’t tend to complain about it except extremely privately, either - only my partner and my therapist ever knew when I was at the end of my rope. In my experience, it’s only the narcissists who bitch, or grandstand- because they like the feedback loop. 

There are a few things that are key in not feeling hard done by:

-	“would it be helpful if...” - usually spoken softly and away from the crowd. “I know things are awful right now. Would it be helpful if I came over and did some laundry or the dishes while you take care of more important things?” If you don’t know what’s needed, say you have a few spare hours and would be happy to help with whatever they need, but people in crises aren’t always good at thinking about peripheral needs either. 
-	“That won’t be possible. What I -can- do is...” - if someone is asking for something beyond what I can give. It sets a good boundary, but doesn’t quite feel as harsh as a flat no. 
-	Letting go of the outcome. If someone doesn’t want or feel they need help, I’m ok with that. If they’re going to go crazy in response to something not being possible, that’s on them. If they can’t reciprocate when you need help, well, now you know and you can decide what that means for you. You can’t reasonably ask more from a person than they can give, even if you feel they (or others) are doing the same to you. Relationships are always a little unequal in the moment. It’s the average that counts. 

Thanks for bringing that up - I think it’s an important point to make and I hope some of what I’ve said makes sense!