Yeah I agree. Your comment about not wanting to call the suicide hotline also worries me. This is the kind of situation that can turn south fast and while they aren’t good for over the phone therapy, they are a really valuable resource if you ever feel like your back is against the wall. 
However this situation requires professional help, serious professional help.

I don’t mean to make you feel weird or bad. I’ve been in a similar situation, therapy helped me immensely. I think it is really the most effective and responsible way to deal with this scenario.