&gt;**Everyone thinks I should leave. . . do you agree?**

Yes, 20M, I agree that you would be wise to walk away from this toxic relationship.  My only concern is that you are describing some red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

This is a concern because, if your GF has strong BPD traits, walking away likely will be a very painful and guilt ridden action for you.  Indeed, it may be so painful that it puts you at risk of accepting her back again in the near future, as you have already done 10 times.

The four behaviors I listed are red flags for BPD because they are core features of that disorder.   The  behaviors you  describe  --   i.e., verbal abuse, controlling demands,  temper tantrums, black-white thinking, icy withdrawal, frequently being "The Victim," and  rapid  flips between Jekyll (loving you)  and  Hyde (devaluing you) --  are  warning  signs for BPD.

Importantly, I'm not  suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD.  Only a     professional can  determine that.  Instead, I'm  suggesting  you  consider whether she may be exhibiting a  strong pattern of  BPD symptoms   (i.e., is a "pwBPD").

&gt;**My GF broke up with me for like the 10th time.**

BPD relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups because a pwBPD typically exhibits a repeating cycle of push-you-away (by creating fights over absolutely nothing) and pull-you-back (by love bombing). A  BPDfamily survey of  about 600 such relationships found that nearly 21% of them -- like yours -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup  cycles BEFORE finally  ending for good.

About 40% of the BPD relationships experienced at  least six  breakup/makeup cycles before ending.  And 73% had three or  more  breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending.  See "Results" at [BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll](http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=61cfea90d5baeaffa15c7f867e2bb854&amp;topic=120215).

&gt;**There's always misunderstandings and accusations and shifting blame.**

Until a pwBPD has had several years of intensive therapy in a program such as DBT, whatever you do will be wrong much of the time. She will perceive you as being wrong if you DO and wrong if you DON'T. You are usually in a no-win situation.

This  conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment  and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the *very same spectrum*.  This  means that, if your GF is a pwBPD, you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because,  as you  back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start   triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her *abandonment*  fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that  triggers her  engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her *engulfment* fear  (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that  triggers her abandonment fear.

Hence,  as  you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you   eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel   like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Indeed, because she has a very weak self identity and virtually no personal boundaries, she may even get a frightening feeling that she is losing herself in your strong personality.

Her subconscious therefore will protect her fragile ego by creating a fight -- out of thin air and over nothing -- to push you away.  Yet, as you back away   to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started   triggering her abandonment fear.

In my  15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no  midpoints  solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you  can safely  stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD  learns how to  better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears,  that Goldilocks  position will not exist. This is why a relationship  with an untreated  pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle  of push-you-away  and pull-you-back.

Indeed,  even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD  who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto  YOU. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing  too much  of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside  her body.  Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious  level, she  will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or  hurtful  thought is coming from YOU.

Hence,  as  long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD having  strong  symptoms, you will often find yourself hurting her -- i.e.,  triggering  her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her  abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when  you are sitting still  in a room saying absolutely nothing.

&gt;**She doesn't even believe me (most of the time) when I tell her and try to show her that I love her.**

If she is a pwBPD, she is filled with self loathing and guilt she has been carrying inside since early childhood.  Until she learns how to love herself, she will be incapable of believing (for more than a few days) that you truly love her.  She lives in fear that you will walk away once you discover how empty she is on the inside.  That abandonment fear is an essential element of BPD.

&gt;**She has not had any history with jealousy and i don't think she intentionally wanted to isolate me from close friends or family.**

Because this fear of abandonment becomes very strong at times, it can be so painful that she will sometimes escape the fear by preemptively abandoning YOU before you have an opportunity to abandon HER.  It thus is common for a pwBPD to push you away many times.  Yet, if you feel certain she does not have a strong abandonment fear, then you are NOT describing a strong pattern of BPD behavior.  As noted above, that fear is an essential element of BPD.

&gt;**What do you think of the whole situation?**

I think you should let her go.  Of  course,  learning to spot BPD warning  signs will not  enable you to diagnose her   issues.  Although strong BPD  symptoms are easy to  spot,  only a professional   can determine  whether they are so severe and  persistent  as to   constitute a   full-blown disorder.

Yet, like learning  warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for  BPD may  help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g.,  remaining  in a toxic relationship or running into the arms  of   another woman  just  like her.  Learning the red  flags also can  help  you  decide when  professional guidance is needed.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of [18 BPD Warning Signs](https://www.reddit.com/user/Up-Town/comments/9hv2yq/what_are_the_primary_warning_signs_for_bpd/)  to see if most sound very familiar.  If so and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.  If you ever feel tempted to take her back, I would suggest you speak with a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.