Hey, hope writing all of this out helps you. I am a person that had the bad luck of losing my mother to cancer at an early age (I had to drop out of college to support my brother) and surviving cancer (I was diagnosed with advanced choriocarcinoma). Ihave been on both sides of the equation. I am sorry that you are going through this.  There is a lot to answer in your post.  As far as the things that your father will miss it hurts but it gets easier to deal with over time. Since, my mom passed I got married and have kids and I still have moments when I think about what things would be like if she were here. I communicated these moments to my friends and family and they understand that sometimes during birthdays or family events that I just need a moment to have these feelings.  It’s kind of like a deep wound that never heals. Over time the pain gets easier to deal with, sometimes you forget that it’s even there, but it will always hurt. Hurting is okay and natural. Don’t bottle it up. 

  Don’t be afraid to lean on others. I get it that you feel so isolated because you have this incredible weight on your shoulders but make sure that you accept help from others. It’s hard to express yourself because you have to be so strong and you feel the need to stay composed in front of your parents because you don’t want them worrying about you. However, it’s inportant that you have an outlet whether that be an activity, friends, family, or a therapist.  You can stuff your feelings in a closet but eventually that closet is going to get full and the mess will come tumbling out. It’s better if you have an outlet to organize your feelings. 

Go to therapy, I know the last one sucked but it’s kind of like dating. You need someone to help with the hurt. 

Don’t forget that it’s okay to be scared and hurt.  I know that you have to be so strong in front of mom and dad. You also have a lot of things to take care of. However, it’s completely okay to take the time to actually feel these things. 

Sorry, I don’t want to make my post too long. Feel free to ask questions and I will answer if you want.