Do you like trendy shit-music and half dressed plastic surgery queens gyrating all around you, while you pay twelve dollars for your appletini? If your answer is yes, don't bother coming here. 

Dive bars are plentiful in Phoenix, but the Bikini is in my 'hood. It's a dirty, unassuming place, with a couple of no-nonsense bartenders and a good jukebox. 

There are a couple of rules to follow when visiting the Bikini: 

1. Bring cash. Cards aren't accepted, the atm machine is there for decoration only, as it hasn't worked in at least two years. 

2. Don't make fun of the guy in the overalls and farmer hat. He's my neighbor. 

3. Don't piss off the bartenders. Tip them well, treat them nicely, and don't order more than three dirty martinis. If you are nice to them, they will be nice to you. This includes, but is not limited to: the strength of your drinks, the price of your drinks, and whether or not you get a drink at all. They take no shit. 

If you can't handle it, stay away. The place gets crowded enough as it is.