This thing is -270°C and is EVERYWHERE

I'm glad you covered the polarization from our velocity. It's filtered out of nearly every CMB image you find and is rarely mentioned. It's the closest you can come to a lower bound on an absolute velocity but really it's a 4-vector normal to the 3-dimensional surface of 'now' assuming there were no significant large scale flows prior to the last scattering.

It's easier to drop two dimensions and think about the normal to a circle drawn on the complex plane where the radius is time, t=||τ+ix/c||=√(τ²-i²x²/c²) with i²=-1 and c is the speed of light in the same units as x/t. Gravity makes it a slightly lumpy circle so the normal won't be perfectly radial near massive objects. Note that this means anything stationary with respect to its view of the CMB that is ±90° or more from your position on the circle necessarily appears to be moving away from you faster than the speed of light. That's just Hubble flow, though, not "real" velocity. Relatedly, the circle necessarily expands as t increases so position of a stationary object would be better defined as an angle rather than a distance. Alternatively, you can use comoving distances (popular with cosmologists) which also factor out the expansion. I find it easier to use an angle as you just multiply by the time to get the distance at that time. This is a very simplified model compared to FLRW and the various inflation models but it matches Hubble reasonably well and gives a possible geometric explanation for the cosmological constant as an alternative to dark energy. Also, if you treat your 4-velocity vector as your arrow of time and use that in place of 1-dimensional time and 3-velocity to describe a particle, then everything beyond ±90° is also indistinguishable from antimatter—something that would be true no matter where you are in the universe with no need to explain separation of the two or the supposed matter-antimatter imbalance as it's an expected continuous velocity gradient not a sign flip.