Over-priced, over-salted and thoroughly unimaginative. Package those adjectives up in a pretty little nutshell and you've got Arcadia Tavern. Arcadia Tavern is a family-friendly, bland and inoffensive, if not overpriced, alternative to Applebee's or TGI Friday's. 

I was seriously enthused when a tavern opened up within a five minute walk of my house. I like drinking and I like walking. Combine the two and you get stumbling, which can also have its high points, ripped jeans notwithstanding. But Arcadia Tavern is no tavern. No self-respecting tavern can commit the cardinal sins of happy hour and retain their integrity.

Cardinal rule #1: Thou shalt not end happy hour before 7 pm. 

Seriously. What is it with places trying to redefine Happy Hour as the hours between 3 and 6 pm? I understand that from a price point perspective the 3-4 or 4-5 pm hours are much cheaper than extending food and drink discounts to the 6-7 pm crowd. But I consider that the same as shining up a turd and calling it a custom made gift. Ooo, you offer three hours of happiness? Pity I can only make 15 minutes of it. 

Bottom line is 5 pm's whistle blowing time, gridlock makes a girl crave a drink and 6-7 pm is the prime hour for getting that drink on. To end happy hour before 7pm pretty much guarantees happy hour barflies will not frequent the establishment.

Flipside: Three dollar Dos Equis, all day, every day. At least there's that.

Cardinal rule #2: Thou shalt offer more than frozen food and canned items as appetizers, and if offering cheap frozen crap, it shall be reflected in the price. 

Fries, tater tots, onion rings, wings, mozzarella sticks, chicken strips, and the ubiquitous spinach and artichoke dip? Whoa. Don't strain yourself, TGI Friday's. 

My main gripe is with the monster nachos. Maybe I'm just taking crazy pills, but the chips, seasoned shredded chicken and nacho cheese were all wicked salty. We're talking mouth-puckering, tastebud-slaughtering salt laden nachos topped with canned pickled jalapenos (gross), black olives (more salt) and black beans (respect).  I'm also biased against the unnatural plastic consistency of nacho cheese. It makes everything soggy and is a tacky substitute for the real deal. Cheese should crisp up around the edges and pull apart in delectable strings, not ooze sadly over a mass of chips and overpower everything else on the plate. I will say that the guacamole and pico de gallo that topped the nachos were delicious, tasted homemade and were a saving grace, but they were also woefully underrepresented compared to the macnasty nacho sauce. 

Flipside: The three mini sliders (albeit meager) and grilled veggies platter with hummus showed promise. 

Cardinal rule #3: Thou shalt provide affordable drink and nosh.

So what's that nacho monstrosity going to run you? Twelve bucks. Don't blink. You read right. Twelve dollars for salty garbage. Mozzarella sticks? 7. Dozen wings? 9! Completely unrealistic. Shave a couple bucks off each appetizer and you're in the reasonable price zone, particularly considering the cheap tasting ingredients. Taking that first impression into account, I don't think I'm going to shell out 10-12 dollars for a hamburger (without fries) when I could go to Delux and have my socks blown off with flavor for cheaper or to the Chicago Hamburger Co. for pennies in comparison. 

Flipside: There is no positive here. For the caliber of food offered, the prices are completely unrealistic. Even the desserts are overpriced. Six bucks for a root beer float? That's a big middle finger right there.

Arcadia Tavern, as a representative of the Happy Hour enforcement squad, I hereby declare you undeserving of your title. Four Peaks is a tavern. The Vine is a tavern. Icehouse is a tavern. Hell, even Carlsbad Tavern does it better and they have plastic bats hanging from the ceiling. 

I regret that I shall never again spend a happy hour in your warm embrace. Although you may still win me over with $3 you-call-its on Thursday after 9 pm. Particularly when accompanied by a little goldfish racing. 

I totally hate goldfish, too. At least share that in common.