I wouldn't characterize "standing up for yourself" or "being intelligent about who you spend your life with" as being "hateful" or "bitter".

In fact, I think unjustified optimism is toxic.  And suggesting to someone that he blindly trust a woman who had at least an emotional affair, almost divorced him while he thought they had a good relationship, and only stuck with him because the person she wanted threw her away like garbage - that is exactly unjustified, blind optimism.

It's like telling someone to stay with their abuser because they said sorry.  Words are cheap.  OP has years of actions from his wife demonstrating how untrustworthy she is.  Ignoring that is neither "enlightened" nor "humane".