text: Life is full of firsts, if you know where to look.
  My desk is in front of my living room window, which affords me a wonderfully sunny, bright disposition throughout the day, thanks to all that natural sunlight streaming inside.
  People pass by from time to time, glancing at me while I work, or eat, or scratch myself at various intervals.
  I got some particularly weird looks the other day, though.
  I had no explanation for why, until 3pm, when I opened the front door and noticed a bright green condom laying directly in front of my front door.
  Suddenly, the furtive looks I’d noticed that day made perfect sense.
  Were it someone else, I’d undoubtedly have found it hilarious, and likely christened the person in question: “Condom Guy”.
  Instead, now I’m “Condom Guy”, in the eyes of my neighbors.
  …and it wasn’t even mine.
  …and if it WAS, I’d never have left it in full view of the community.
  An hour later, while on a walk, I looked up at the sound of a passing jet, and felt a strange sensation cross the back of my neck, and froze.
  …then I realized it was my own hair. It’s never been so long; not in 36 years of my life, and it caught me off guard.
  My shoulders had never known the touch of… head… er, hair.
  Plenty of shoulder hair, of course.
  Last summer someone gave me a free tank top from their company, which is a variety of clothing I’ve never worn since childhood.
  The coarse, brown hair jumping out from underneath it was hideous, but comical.
  A gorilla could have worn it better.
  I laughed so hard my throat hurt for days.