text: When we think of communication, we often think about expressing ourselves—our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions. But listening is an equally important tool when it comes to effective communication. Do you recognize these types of listening patterns?
  Assuming Alice can finish all your sentences, assuming she knows what you think and feel. She does not hear when you offer new or different information.
  Defensive Dana is distrustful and touchy. She sees your remarks as personal attacks. Dana perceives that you are out to get her, so she is closed to hearing anything you have to say about her behavior.
  Ambushing Amanda appears to listen carefully, but only because she is collecting information with which to attack you. She hears your words, but her goal is to use them later as ammunition.
  Self-Centered Samantha manages to turn any conversation into an opportunity to showcase her own accomplishments and perspectives. All that matters to Sam is that you know what she thinks.
  Solution Sally knows how to fix everything. Before she has even heard you out, she knows what you ought to do.
  Denying Darla denies the significance of situations and your right to your feelings. “You shouldn’t feel that way” and “Don’t make such a big deal out of it” are her mottos.
  Do any of these sound like someone you know? Does one remind you of you? You can learn to love listening. Work on these LISTEN-ing skills:
  LIMIT YOUR LIP: By talking less you give the other person the opportunity to express his or her thoughts. A philosopher once said, “We have been given two ears and but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less.”
  IDENTIFY KEY ISSUES: Effective listeners use their “spare” thinking time to extract the main thought from the speaker’s words and behavior. They ask themselves such questions as How does he feel? What does this mean to her?
  SILENCE DISTRACTIONS: Listening distractions can be external—ringing cell phones and doorbells, radio, TV, or other conversations—or internal—preoccupation with other thoughts, fatigue, and/or stress. Effective listeners do everything possible to silence the internal and external distractions that hinder their ability to listen.
  TABLE CONCLUSIONS: Most of us are guilty of making snap judgments, especially when the speaker’s ideas differ from our own. Instead of exchanging ideas, conversations turn into verbal combat with “opponents” trying to claim victory for their point of view. Effective listeners table their conclusions until they understand the speaker’s point of view.
  ECHO AND INQUIRE: Effective listeners check to make sure they are decoding the speaker’s thoughts and feelings accurately by reflecting their understanding back to the speaker for verification (echo), and by asking questions (inquire). They do not conclude that they understand until the speaker clarifies and verifies the listener’s decoding.
  NEGATE DEFENSIVENESS: The listener’s goal in this step is to understand the speaker’s perspective—what the speaker thinks and feels and why. The goal is not to defend, give a rebuttal, or counterattack. Effective listeners receive messages nondefensively.
  Mary Kassian is an award-winning author and a professor at Southern Baptist Seminary in Lousiville, KY. She is the author of several books, Bible studies, and video teaching series. Mary is also a popular conference speaker, ministering to women’s groups internationally.