" 

 == Removed quotations == 

 And here they are: 

 *""Johnny's in the basement mixing up the medicine (LSD), I'm on the pavement thinking about the government. My life in the fucking nutshell."" (With the first two lines Hicks is quoting Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues) 

 *""They said the same thing when [Bob] Dylan went electric!"" (After announcing he had quit smoking and being booed by a crowd.) 

 *""I subscribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged, kicking and screaming into the White House."" 

 *""I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. [beat] I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry about the fact that you're Catholic."" 

 *On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: ""I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."" 

 *""I love going to the movies. So I'm watching Terminator 2 and I'm thinking 'you know what? There is no way that you will ever be able to top these special effects in a movie again, you cannot top this shit.' Unless we started using terminally ill stunt people in the motion picture industry."" [beat] ""...bear with me"" 

 *At his final show: ""This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we're hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row—'Why doesn't he just hit fruit with a hammer?' Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fucking moron."" 

 *""How much do you smoke a day, dude? Pack and a half? You little puss...Why don't you just put the fuckin' skirt on, and swish around for us? 'Pack and a half, I smoke a pack and a half..' I go through two lighters a day, dude."" 

 *""..you never see my attitude in the press, that's what bugs me. You never see my point of view. For instance, gays in the military. Now, I dunno how y'all feel about it... here's how I feel about it: Anyone dumb enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don't care how many push ups you can do, put on a helmet, go wait in that foxhole we'll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. You know i'm sick of hearing military guys saying ""The esprit de corps will be affected, and we are such a moral..."" Excuse me, aren't y'all hired fucking killers? Shut up! You are thugs and when we need you to go blow the fuck outta a nation of little brown people we'll let you know. Until then... Where do the fucking military get all these morals? ""We are the military; is that a village of children and kids? Where's the napalm? (explosion) I don't want any gay people hanging around me when I'm killing women and kids. I just dont wanna see it."" 

 *""I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now, cause I smoked cigarettes.  Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit outta me one night. I tried to run, they were faster than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing... Some of them smelled me. But now I'm in heaven... sniffing Yul Brynner's noggin!"" 
 :(in this quote Bill is parodying a real life anti-smoking commercial that the actor Yul Brynner made around nine months before his death. The simple-approach commercial shows Yul Brynner speaking directly to the viewers. He says words that are very close to ""I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Don't die of cancer, give up smoking."") 

 *(In relation to a Lynyrd Skynyrd show in Chicago in 1989, in which an audience member continuously yelled ""Free Bird!"") 
 :Bill: ""Hitler had the right idea!  He was just an underachiever!  Kill 'em all, Adolf! All of them! Jew! Mexican! American! White! Kill 'em all! Start over! The experiment didn't work! Rain 40 days! Please fucking rain to wash these turds off my life! Wash these human waste of flesh and bone off this planet! I pray to you God to kill these fucking people!"" 
 :Audience member: ""Free Bird!"" 
 :Bill: ""Free Bird."" 
 :(dull muffled sound from the microphone) 

 *""I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh... is a poem."" 

 *""Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why