In no particular order: 
 * I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy. 
 * I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july. 
 * It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass... 
 Since you asked. '''''' 