If this planet exploded tomorrow I wouldn’t shed a tear.

Environmentalists say evil mankind is destroying a beautiful God-given place. Really? Mudslides, earthquakes and twisters kill millions (thousands) of people every year. Innocent planet? I judge by deeds not words. Yes, pollutants kill. But so do rockslides. If you talk to the average resident of a natural disaster location, they will be glad to tell you the planet has done as much evil as the average multinational in terms of lives taken in their local community.

Earth has these “natural occurrences” that devastate homes and villages. But are they really natural occurrences? Sounds more like indulgent planetspeak for the insane outbursts of a maniac – like a serial killer that’s handsome but then has these episodes of murder.

I’ve experienced this planet’s wrath first hand ... well, wrath is too strong a word, and so is firsthand for that matter. I’ve experienced this planet’s harassment, from a slice of pizza getting soaked by a sudden rainstorm to a sunburn that left me unable to put on my shirt when I was a child. Living with this planet is like living with an alcoholic. It makes me wonder if the climate change is man-made or another mood swing by this ball of gas.

That’s why, every time there’s a flood in Pakistan, I drop an aluminium can into the wrong trash container. Every time there is a hurricane, I “miss” the garbage can and throw my fastfood wrapper on the ground. This is what you call trying to “teach the earth” how to treat people.

I was there for Hurricane Sandy. I bought a refrigerator full of food and then this hurricane came along and knocked my power out for three days. All that food went rotten. Even worse: half the city came to a grinding halt. What the hell was that about? You have a problem with downtown, but midtown was fine, planet? Weirdo.

This happens every year in Florida and North Carolina. And twisters in the Midwest. And you wonder why the red states don’t believe in global warming. What do you expect? They’ve been getting their houses thrown around since Auntie Em’s place got lit up back in the 30s and you think they want to put in tax dollars to save a place that tries to kill them every year?

The planet needs to realize that this is a two-way street. You throw earthquakes, that’s fine. We all get crazy. I get it. But without us, you’d be like Mars: an empty planet that gets excited because somebody discovered a little bit of water. Don’t forget: we made you just like you made us. We need each other. And guess what, beautiful planet – you’re not that beautiful. A couple of mountain ranges, a Grand Canyon and maybe a few waterfalls ... but the rest of you is plain Jane or unattractive. I’d give you a six or six and a half, so get over yourself.