I love late night texts from exes. You know, the ones where they just want to see how you’ve been and what you’ve been up to.

HI WHATS UP HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN A WHILE HOW ARE YOU WHERE ARE YOU LETS GET BACK TOGETHER I MISS YOU SERIOUSLY WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW??????

I am, from time to time, an ex-texter myself. But I do it gracefully.

WHATEVERR JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN SPEAK 4 LANGUAGES DOESN"T MEAN SHE;s COOl. HAVE FUN WITH THAT I HEAR SHE HAS THE CLAP LOLZ.

Okay so yes, that happened. Once. But I’ve learned. Here are a few things to remember when you feel the need to ex-text.

1) First and foremost, be sober. Please. This is great advice for driving, updating facebook, and answering your phone when your mom calls. It’s a given.

2) Don’t preface the text with some bullshit excuse for texting.

So I need to get my copy of 8 ½ back because it’s a Criterion Collection and my sister gave it to me before she moved to Ohio and I’m really in the mood for a movie with subtitles to half-watch while making my Halloween costume.

Who gives a shit? He knows you’re bullshitting and really just want to say “How’s it going?” So just say it, Susie Excuses.

3) Sober or not, no late night texts. Don’t. This screams: I’M ALONE IN BED RIGHT NOW WATCHING ROSEANNE ON NETFLIX.

4) If he texts you, don’t text back right that second. He needs to know that you’re out doing things and being awesome and not actually just staring at your phone constantly because all you do now is play Words With Friends while also doing the aforementioned activity in tip number 3. You’re a busy girl with numerous IRL friends and gentleman callers. Wait 4 hours to 4 days. You are the honey badger, and honey badger don’t care.

5) Always let him be the last to text. Don’t make it some long back-and-forth where you’re the last one to ask “So did your little sister’s dance recital go well? I still had it on my phone calendar. :P ” with no response from him. It’s the same advice I’d give you if you were high around a cop: Be Cool. In order to do this I would suggest trying to channel John Legend. Fucking King Of Cool.

Come to think of it, this probably should have been tip numero uno because when you’re drunk you’re not going to listen to my bullshit advice anyway because he NEDS TO KNWO HOW U FEEEEEELLLLL DUH!!!!

This list is going to have to stop at 5 because I’m starved and one of my MANY Smart Ones frozen dinners is calling my name.

LISAAAAAA I’M ONLY 280 CALORIES BUT I STILL CONTAIN CHEEEEEEEEEESE. NUKE ME AND CONSUME ME, BITCH.

It’s my own personal Call of the Wild.