Space Marines are an iconic part of the Warhammer 40,000 universe. These genetically engineered super-soldiers are the ultimate protectors of humanity in a grim, dark universe filled with terror, sorcery and endless, bloody warfare. They’re also all men, and the reason for that is a lot simpler than some people might think: it’s because I don’t want to confront my own sexism.

Feminist pop culture critics, or as they like to call themselves “I’m just a regular woman who wants to play this stupid hobby, why are you making this so hard for me?” like to make a big deal about the fact that Space Marines are all men, as if it’s somehow “representative” or “a clear indicator of the endemic sexism in the setting”. But they don’t understand the lore and the grim, dark fiction on the complex level that I do.

Right from the start, a candidate who wants to become a Space Marine must undergo a harsh and brutal series of tests designed to weed out the weak and infirm. This is identical to my own difficult life, where I needed to catch the bus to the Games Workshop store and the bus would sometimes be late. Also there was that one time I needed $60 to buy a new unit of Marines but I only had $50 and the manager wouldn’t let me have it no matter how I complained. This is something women could not possibly understand.

Once these brutal trials are passed, the organ implantation begins. Right here we have another insurmountable barrier for women: these highly scientific and complex organs are created in such a way that, as the Codex Astartes clearly states, they are only compatible with men. It’s written right there in the page of this fictional book!

These are serious science organs like the Omophagea, which allows a Space Marine to learn by eating genetic material, or the Betcher’s Gland which turns the Space Marine’s saliva corrosive and poisonous. This is hard science! Do women think they can come in and mess with this stuff just because it’s “entirely fictional” and “could be changed at any time”? Get real! It’s like they don’t even understand how upsetting it would be for me to have to admit that!

And here’s another thing — Space Marines aren’t even sexual! Their sex drive and desire to procreate is completely bred out of them, to turn them into sexless warrior golems who exist only to kill. So what are feminists complaining about it! It’s not like they’re ‘men’, they’re just all male, and they call each other ‘brother’, which doesn’t mean anything. Do words mean things? Clearly not??

Once a Space Marine has been fully implanted with their male-only organs, they, like me, are placed into a relentless years-long training programme of powerful hypnotic suggestions and psycho-conditioning routines. It’s this barrage of thought conditioning that gives Space Marines the strength to fight as merciless warriors, and me the strength to insist that only men could be one, without spending nights at my painting desk sobbing into my bitz box at how easily I’ve been manipulated.

Space Marines also have access to the finest arms and armour so that they can defend the Imperium against the mutant, the witch and the alien. This technology was invented by the Emperor himself, who is a psyker of incredible power and limitless knowledge, and — pay attention here, feminists — a MAN.

Is it possible for a psyker of incredible power and limitless knowledge to transcend the constraints of society and biology and to exist as a being of pure energy? NO. The being of pure energy needs to have a dick and use male pronouns, or how else am I supposed to respect them? If we open up that can of worms I’ll need to think about a lot of things I’m just not prepared to consider.

So there we have it. I hope I’ve made it pretty clear to all the social justice warriors out there that there’s absolutely no way a Space Marine could ever be a woman. Not only could the extremely serious scientific fiction not support it, but women just don’t have the upper-body strength required for all the mental gymnastics.

If women really want to play Warhammer 40,000 they should just collect a different faction, like the sexy BDSM space elves who wear revealing armour, or the dour and puritanical angry nuns that draw their power from worshipping the Emperor, who is a man. Or they could play the Imperial Guard, who are just regular human soldiers and have plenty of women (although Games Workshop don’t make any models for them).

It’s like, what are you even complaining about?