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Here are some stories we’ve found across the internet from tech support folks we’d love to share.

Each of them is full of fun and drama.

1. Making users liars since 1975

Once, I had a user come in…

User: My MacBook air is really slow.

Me (while opening up terminal and running uptime): Hmm, when was the last time you rebooted?

User: Oh, a few days ago.

Me: According to your compute, it’s been up for 41 days.

User: It’s lying.

She also had 5 Chrome Windows with at least 20 tabs apiece, Spotify, Photoshop, Word, AND Excel.

2. Now you see me, now you don’t.

Customer: Do I have to watch my computer screen to use your app?

Me: It’s considered a best practice. Otherwise you can’t see what people are saying.

Customer: I see…

3. Cat and mouse

Me: Good afternoon, this is Ari. How can I help you?

Lady: My son’s computer is just pissing me off. He is traveling with his new wife. Can you help me?

Me: Sure. Have you started the computer?

Lady: Oh yeah.

Me: I will need to see the configuration. Can you do a left click on the Start button bottom left of your screen with the mouse?

Lady: That arrow thing is acting like a son of a bitch, not moving. The right clicks seems to show me some shit.

Me: Could you please lift the mouse and check that the ball is moving freely and there is no dirt?

Lady: Ah… uh… Now I know where that bloody ball came from. My cat’s been playing with it since yesterday…

4. P as in Peter

Me: Sir, do you see a login screen asking for username and password?

User: Yes.

Me: Type admin as username.

User: Badmi?

Me: No, sir, its admin. A as in alfa, D as in delta, M as in Mike, I as in India, N as in November…

User: Admin, right.

(35 minutes passed. Finally, the user did it.)

Me: Can you type the word password in the password field and click login?

User: Bassword. “Invalid bassword.”

Me: Try again. Type P as in Paul.

User: B as ball?

Me: No sir. It’s P as in Peter or P as in parrot.

User: B as Beter?

Me (trying again): P as papa.

User: B as bapa,

(This next part is my favorite.)

Me (losing my temper): Sir, it’s not AB… it’s abcdefghijklmnop. P. P!

User: Oh so it’s P! Huh!! I’ll try now.

5. My computer is not yours

Me: XYZ technical support, how may I assist you?

User: I have some difficulty in locating some files on my computer, it seems I am not able to open any files

Me: Sir, could you please check whether you are able to get the Desktop screen.

User: Yes, now what?

Me: Can you open My Computer?

User: How can I open your computer?

6. Fix it!

Customer: Fix it!

Me: Fix what, ma’am?

Customer: My Internet connection. Can’t you tell why I’m calling?

Me: No, ma’am, the technology doesn’t work that way.

(I apologize for any inconvenience, and then check her connection. Everything is fine. I even test with ping and packet testing; again, very strong signal to the Internet.)

Me: Ma’am, are you using a router?

Customer: I don’t know. You guys installed it all.

Me: Ma’am, we don’t install routers. Do you know the name of the router you’re using?

Customer: No.

Me: We can test the modem to make sure it’s working. Can you take your laptop into the room with the modem and unplug the modem from the rou—

(Had I finished, I would have asked her to connect the laptop to the modem directly.)

Customer: No. I couldn’t possibly do that! You just need to fix it.

Me: Ma’am, are you suffering from an illness or injury preventing me from helping you today?

Customer: No, and I couldn’t possibly be bothered with that. The modem and the laptop are on different floors. I called you to fix it. Why can’t you just fix it?

7. Push When Ringing

Me: Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Provider]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you today?

Customer: Yes. Every time my phone rings and I try to answer it, my phone shuts off. It happens every time.

Me: Well, that is pretty odd. Let me see if I can figure out what the issue with your handset is.

(After spending almost an hour trying to look up account info and diagnose what could possibly be wrong with this woman’s phone with no luck, I am about to give up and replace the phone.)

Me: So that I can write up in your account what exactly is happening so we can replace your phone, what button are you pushing when trying to answer the phone?

Customer: The “Push When Ringing” button.

Me: I’m sorry, which button?

Customer: “Push When Ringing.” You know? P-W-R.

Me: I think I know the problem…

What are the funniest tech support stories you’ve ever heard? Share with us.