TEMPE, AZ—Touting numerous benefits of the practice with a series of loud, slurred remarks, drunk nutritionists from Arizona State University held a press conference Wednesday at which they strongly recommended eating an entire frozen pizza at 3 a.m. “Hey, we strongly advise people to just take the pizza out of the oven, slice ’er up, and shove the pieces right into their mouths as fast as possible,” said nutrition specialist Rebecca Foreht, who swayed slightly and gripped the lectern for balance while clarifying that it was also permissible to tear apart hunks of pizza with your bare hands or simply chew your way through an entire uncut pie, “which is just like a giant huge slice.” “Dude, dude, listen, you should totally blow on the pizba [sic] really quick and then just chow down so it doesn’t [incomprehensible mumbling]. Oh man, the … Anyway, you just gotta do it.” The inebriated nutritionists added that in lieu of frozen pizza, individuals could simply take out a bag of shredded cheddar from the refrigerator and tip it directly into their mouths.

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