Okay. Deep breaths here. Let me just start by saying I’m sure I’m going to do something insanely untraditional and offensive at my wedding if I ever have a wedding. I realize it’s batshit insane to assume that someone would spend their life with me and my collection of lesbian sneakers, but let’s just go with it for now. If I get married, I’ll probably wear bedazzled sweatpants or take irony new level and wear a wife beater. I’ll also proceed to get blackout drunk and get liver poisoning. I’m sure I’ll get in a fist fight with someone I’m pretending to be friends with just so they’ll get me a wedding gift. It’s going to be like an episode of Flavor of Love but with pigs in a blanket.

So, I’m all for unique and different. Hell, I’m all for being shocking and insane. But this. THIS. I’m overwhelmed. I mean this woman had so many chances to abort this decision. It’s one thing to make a bad decision but another to keep reinforcing it. I imagine a woman’s wedding day is the day of her life when a she looks in the mirror the most times. This hot mess kept checking herself out over and over again and going “yup, still a good idea. Still gonna wear a skirt with two fabric-y ears over my nipples to my wedding day."

Now, trust me. I’m the first person to go, "Whit, (that’s what I call myself when I talk to myself in my head) are you just being bitter and jealous because your sternum looks like that of a seven year old asian boy and you could never wear a frock like this?” I entertained that. If I had boobs like that, would I wear a similar ensemble? The answer is yes I would. But not on my WEDDING DAY in front of my FAMILY. Would I think about it? Yes. Would I want to wear it and invite all my ex boyfriends in a misguided attempt to make them miss what they threw away? Absolutely. But, I wouldn’t go through with it. Not because I have class or morals. I just…I don’t know. This is beyond any of that. I know I’m all over the place here but, I mean, isn’t she cold?

Maybe it’s more the shape of the boobs that are bothering me. They look like they’re out of an issue of National Geographic. And the Claire’s Accessories pearl choker monstrosity jammed between them feels very wicked witch…of the breast.

And guy? This is the mother of your children? I don’t know. Maybe she’ll be a good mom. Her babies certainly won’t starve.

I guess I just don’t think women should be wearing wedding gowns that look like they were dreamed by Larry from Three’s Company. I guess my point is: at your wedding your supposed to have rice thrown at you, not dollar bills. I’m sure her guests felt incredibly unprepared.

P.S. This is not off my chest. I am still very stressed out about this.