Our grass-roots agitation and protest movement to get the government to stop vacillating and put more resources into the economy is reaching its final phase. Turning health, security, transport, education, fun and farming into professionally-directed profit-motivated industries has been a start, but there are a few activities which are still under erratic individual control. We’ve outlined the following demands in order to ensure progress, efficiency and growth reach their peaks:

Sex All sexual intercourse must take place in licensed and approved clinics under the supervision of properly qualified experts. No longer will sex, a primary force for social change, be left to untutored novices. For a fee partners will be guided through the necessary steps for productive intercourse, trained in proper posturing and then, upon certification, allowed to operate their procreative machinery in a safe and responsible fashion.

Conversation This unproductive, unprofitable behaviour should come under official auspices as soon as possible. Regulated ‘conversation shops’ should be allowed to operate in high streets, or, if necessary, in mobile units, in which participants can choose topics to debate and facts to exchange under supervision and guidance. Topics of conversation will be divided into various levels of sophistication, access to which will be through certification. In the event that consumers require home conversations, internet-providers and ‘take-out’ delivery services will meet demand.

Child-Rearing Dating has already entered the free-market, pornography has been a commodity since time began, and we envisage further growth in managed romantic encounters. Actual sex, as we have seen, should be integrated into the economy in a short time and professionally supervised birth has long been an economically viable activity. It only remains for the few years between parturition and responsible schooling to be regulated and opened up to market forces. The ideal means in which this will be eventuated is through the internet; successful and approved dating will lead to contributions of sperm and egg to child-rearing clinics, where rational skill-acquisition and socialisation can take place in a properly controlled environment. Parents will be able to enjoy the process on youtube.

Relationships Social life is, of course, well on its way to becoming a profitable market-concern, but we believe it hasn’t gone nearly far enough. For one, have you noticed how hard it is to find ratings on all your friends and lovers? How on earth do you know how well someone is going to perform in bed, or how trustworthy they are as a companion unless you can dial up their stats on an app? Everyone must be rated, for everything, all the time—not only to enable high ratings to be available to rent or buy, but to make sure the world behaves.

Bodily Functions The liver, heart, lungs, kidneys, bladder, bowels and glands have been interfering with productivity for too long. Their disruption of human functioning in a rational wealth-maximising society will come to an end when they are replaced with cheap, serviceable, manufactured parts. This will aid both production — as users will be able to turn off digestion, excretion and inappropriate hormonal urges during working hours; and consumption — as services such as blood processing, blood circulation, air-filtering and enzyme production will incur a fee. Consumers will either pay for each secreted hormone, synthesised protein, urination and heartbeat on a pay-as-you go basis, via installed meters, or will be sent a monthly bill for the use of their body parts.

So come demonstrate with us at the next G20 meeting, when we’ll take to the streets, and agitate for MORE ECONOMIC GROWTH! Let’s turn our DREAMS into things we can rate, copy, print and save-for-later. Let’s convert the QUIVERINGS OF THE INNERMOST into parcelled up things. Let’s make the whole UNIVERSE into something we can package up, possess and SELL!

See Belly Up! for more information on how YOU can make a difference.