Counseling important as divorce rates increase in the South Asian community.

By Eva Mendes

In the last several years, marriage has become an increasingly challenging endeavor evidenced by the sharp rise in divorce rates in the Indian or South Asian community (Ravindra, 2013). If more couples received marriage counseling at the right time, it’s possible that many of these divorces could be averted.

Indian couples often hesitate to seek counseling due to the stigma associated with seeking professional help. Or they seek counseling only when they are on the verge of a divorce. By then, it’s often too late to fix things; therefore, working with a couples counselor before things escalate is key.

In an attempt to guide desi couples through the journey of counseling, outlined below are common issues that couples face, and how they can be successfully dealt with:

1.) Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons:

Many people get married out of a sense of obligation or desperation. Fear drives a lot of people to ignore red flags or warning signs about their selected mate. In time, these red flags create conflicts in the marriage.

Counseling Advice: Avoid getting married due to family pressure or the fear of remaining single. Take time to get to know the person you’ve selected to marry, including their family. Have a frank discussion about key issues: where you will live, sharing of domestic tasks, finances, common interests, raising children, and how you plan on resolving differences.

2.) Differences in Family Backgrounds and Upbringing:

Having different family backgrounds can sometimes cause friction for the couple because their upbringing influences their expectations of their partner. Leena was raised in a family where her parents shared in the household tasks. Her husband, Thomas on the other hand, grew up in a home where his mother fulfilled all the domestic duties, and expected the same of Leena.

Counseling Advice: Initially, everyone can be on their best behavior; therefore, it’s important to closely observe relationships between the family members of your future mate. This might tell you a lot about your future partner’s mindset. If you observe that family members are disrespectful to each other, you might be forewarned.

3.) Poor Boundaries with In-Laws:

The over-involvement of in-laws, from either the husband’s or wife’s family, can drive a wedge between a couple and create a sense of conflicting loyalties for them. Intrusions from a mother-in-law or sister-in-law is damaging and leaves little space for the couple to develop their own bond.

Counseling Advice: In counseling, couples can learn to work as a team to address issues with the in-laws. The stronger the unity of a husband and wife, the happier everyone will be: children and even the in-laws! It is in the best interest of the entire family to respect the couple’s boundaries.

4.) Lack of Coping Strategies:

Many people lack coping strategies for their problems. Pratik was deeply unhappy at his job. In order to cope, Pratik began to go online under a false identity and engage in what he thought was some “harmless fun” on adult websites. Pratik continued his habit even though he loved his wife, Mishti. Eventually, she stumbled upon his computer history and his secret was out.

Counseling Advice: In counseling, after her considerable anger subsided, Mishti began to understand how the websites gave Pratik a sense of validation that was lacking in his job, and Pratik was able to brainstorm better coping strategies.

5.) Undiagnosed Mental Health Issues:

In many marriages, undiagnosed mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Personality Disorders can cause significant problems. Mental health issues are stigmatized, but it’s important to realize that many of these so-called conditions also have a positive side to them.

Zoya, a successful computer engineer, struggled with anxiety. Her brain was gifted at writing innovative software. However, her perfectionistic mind made her highly anxious and caused friction in her marriage. Diagnosing the anxiety helped improve her relationship at once.

Counseling Advice: Don’t be afraid to seek counseling for mental health issues. Numerous gifted people— artists, engineers, scientists, and even world leaders—have struggled with mental health issues. Neuroscience has helped us understand the causes of mental issues. Speak to a psychologist, just like you would to a kidney specialist if you had trouble with your kidneys.

6.) Neurological Differences:

Some people have highly logical brains, which can make them unemotional, and unexpressive. They can come across as insensitive, negative, obsessive, and they may have sensory sensitivities. If your partner has these traits, he/she might have Asperger’s Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). In a marriage, ASD can cause severe misunderstandings, but with awareness, partners can find solutions that work.

Counseling Advice: Online articles and books on the subject of marriage with ASD, including my book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger Syndrome: Successful Strategies for Couples and Counselors (2015) explains the dynamics of an ASD marriage.

7.) Power Struggles:

Power struggles can ensue when partners don’t see themselves as a team. They devalue and put each other down.

Sundar had become more and more controlling of his wife, Payal. Her career success had made him insecure. In order to feel better about himself, he found ways to belittle and control her. He would openly tell her, “You’re so stupid!” Constantly being put down began to make Payal feel unsafe, and traumatized.

Counseling Advice: Sitting down in the safety of a counselor’s office, the husband can realize that such feelings of insecurity are normal. Rather than tormenting his wife by having a power trip, he can acknowledge these feelings, and learn to cope with them in a healthy way.

8.) Infidelity:

Often the cheating partner is suffering and doesn’t know how to address these problems. They try to feel better by engaging in a physical or emotional connection outside the marriage. In doing so, they cause more harm to everyone involved.

Counseling Advice: Realize that adultery is rooted in deeper problems. Work with a counselor to address these issues. Escaping into an affair might seem like a relief at first, but long-term, the price to pay is very high. Many couples divorce over infidelity, and those who don’t, spend years rebuilding the lost trust.

9.) Addictions:

Alcohol, drug, and illicit Internet addictions are rather common these days. Due to the shame and stigma, couples go to great lengths to conceal these issues, even from loved ones. These addictions aren’t identified as problems, resulting in both partners suffering in secret.

Counseling Advice: Addictions carry a very high cost to the well-being not only of the couple, but also their children. It’s crucial to get treatment from a counselor and an addictions specialist, rather than living a compromised quality of life.

10.) Verbal/Emotional Abuse:

Some people constantly put-down or mock their partner. Often they might not mean to be abusive, but if they grew up in a difficult family, it’s possible that they never learnt a gentler way to communicate. Verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse, and can even make the receiver physically ill.

Counseling Advice: A counselor can help come up with alternate ways of saying the same thing, minus the cutting tone or snickering voice. Meditation can also help the partner to become more aware of how he/she speaks.

11.) Domestic Violence:

Not hitting your partner should be a given! If couples cannot abide each other without violence, they should consider a separation as neither the spouse nor the children would be safe in such an environment.

Ajay and Neha struggled with domestic violence. Ajay was an alcoholic, had a poor attitude towards women, and anger-management problems. Neha for her part, also retaliated towards him with violence. Finally, family members intervened and got them to divorce.

Counseling Advice: Seek immediate help when faced with domestic violence. If the violence is chronic, decide if it’s even worth saving the marriage. Such situations take years to improve and it is not only the health of the abused partner that is at stake, but his/her very life.

12.) Waiting Too Long to Seek Counseling:

The longer the couple waits to get help, the more entrenched their marital problems become. Amidst the intense anger, and blame, it is hard to get the couple to communicate and try new solutions.

Counseling Advice: Seek out counseling once the communication between your partner and you breaks down. If you can’t discuss issues without getting into an argument or fight, and this has been going on for six months or longer, it maybe time to seek counseling.

If you’re struggling with any of the above issues, please seek counseling immediately. A good couples counselor can help you better understand your partner. Your spouse and you can help you openly communicate. The counselor can remind you of your shared life goals, and give you the tools to evolve to be stronger together.

Cases mentioned in this article are inspired by real cases, but not based on anyone in real life. Any resemble is incidental.

References:

Mendes, E. A., 2015. Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers;

Ravindra, G. 2013. Shaadi Remix. Tuscon, AZ: Wheatmark.

(Eva Mendes, LMHC is an Asperger/Autism specialist, couples counselor, author, and speaker originally from Mumbai, India. She is the author of the book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome now available on Amazon. She is a couple’s counselor and psychotherapist working with couples where one or both partners have Asperger Syndrome, Autism Spectrum, depression, anxiety and ADHD. She has a private practice in Boston, MA. Eva is available to work remotely via Skype and sees clients based all over the U.S. and the world. Her website is www.evmendes.com Connect with Eva at: contact@evmendes.com)