The 5th season of Bob’s Burgers has been unleashed on Netflix and I have successfully finished all twenty-one episodes within three days. That kind of love for a show cannot go without some kind of testament to its glory of crude humor, incredible voice acting, and a whole lot of burgers.

I, therefore, give you another one of my series, Bob’s Burgers (SpoonU Version).

Bob – Burger

You are what you eat. In general, burgers can be either simple or complex. Bob definitely embodies both of these traits.

For the most part, Bob is the most monotonous and unchanging person in the show. He just wants to play it safe. On other days though, he strips nude for his health inspector, tries crack with customers, and puts his Thanksgiving turkeys in the toilet. You know, just the everyday stuff with this guy.

Linda – Lots and Lots of Wine

A glass of wine a day is said to have a lot of positive benefits to a person. What about not just one glass of wine, but a buttload of wine going straight down the hatchet without remorse? You would probably turn pretty woozy and silly with that much alcohol in your body.

Linda, being an actual wine enthusiast, can definitely come off as giddy and far from the smartest individual in the show. She also can’t seem to keep any secrets, which is something that drunk people aren’t known for. Linda definitely cannot hang.

Tina – Potato

Potato. Not much to think about. It’s a starchy crop and that’s about it. But is it really? You can turn a potato into many different things (mashed potatoes, potato soup, potato salad). But if not done right, your potato concoction might go from spud to dud.

When you look at Tina, you just think potato. While seemingly dull and ordinary, Tina might say something like, “If you think about it, any box can have vibrators in it.” Her random, witty moments teach us to never underestimate Tina.

Gene – Unlimited Supply of Donuts

Donuts are essentially dough that is covered in sugar. Good stuff without a doubt. However, after three or four of these sweet treats, you might get a little sick. Gene Belcher is one of the few heroes who will gladly keep eating no matter what.

Just like a donut, Gene is a round individual who will eat almost anything. He has a ton of energy all the time, most likely from all that sugar he consumes. He definitely isn’t the smartest human being in the world, proving how an unlimited supply of donuts can possibly hinder brain development.

Louise – Ghost Pepper

Louise is pretty much diabolical all of the time. Think about the time she changed the restaurant into a gambling site to earn a profit and worked with weed suppliers. Don’t let her seemingly innocent nature fool you.

The ghost pepper works in the same way. Ordinary at first, the pepper will precede to make Noah Ark-sized waves come out of your eyes, you attempting to extinguish the fire on your tongue. People still appreciate her twisted humor, just like how people do the ghost pepper challenge knowing it will hurt a lot.

Gayle – Crab

If you’ve ever eaten crab, you know that it’s really a pain in the ass to eat. Don’t get me wrong, I love crab. But the whole process of cracking the shell in order to get the meat makes me rage quit and not want to eat.

Linda’s sister, Gayle, is a caring person. However, in order to reach that good spirited person, you have to peel off her shells of growing anxiety. You have to ignore her strange sleeping rituals, you have to try to forget her crude paintings of butts and breasts, and you have to disregard her cats (oh my god, not her cats).

Teddy – Jar of Cookie Butter

Cookie butter is just one of those things that are super addicting, and we know it’s not super healthy. But I mean, screw it. It’s cookie butter and it’s delicious, despite it having no real nutritional value.

For Teddy, burgers are addicting. One time he paid a guy hundreds of dollars to buy him one so that he could eat it in the bathroom in order to get around Bob’s ban. This man has no chill. Nothing stops him from his burgers, yet we love him for having such a big heart.

Jimmy Pesto Sr. – Stinky Cheese

Stinky cheese is supposedly made into some tasty and brilliant things in some cultures. But c’mon. The word “stinky” is in the name. I ain’t thrilled about it. It’s just here to ruin taste buds and lives.

Jimmy Pesto Sr. does not get the punny satisfaction of being associated with pesto, but rather with stinky cheese. That pungent flavor stays with you just like the stench of Jimmy Pesto Sr. Known as the bitter rival of Bob, all he does is act like a huge d-bag lingering around to ruin Bob’s day whenever he gets the chance.

Jimmy Pesto Jr. – Pesto

I mean one of the Pesto’s had to be represented with actual pesto right? Pesto might be seen as slimy and it’s color is not aesthetically pleasing really, initially making someone think twice before trying it. But pesto always has one characteristic that beats out all the rest — it’s amazing flavor.

Jimmy Pesto, for the most part, is pretty stubborn and cocky in what he can do, making him not that likable at first. But, look at those dance moves below. He knows how to live life, and I suppose that’s what we like about him. Not to mention, his butt is pretty impressive as well (according to Tina, not me).

Ollie and Andy Pesto – Milk and Cereal

Cereal and milk go hand and hand. They are inseparable. If the milk is rotten or if the cereal is stale, one of them will ruin the taste of the other, spoiling the whole meal. But no matter what, the two foods are inseparable.

Ollie and Andy are twin brothers who are meant for one another and cannot be seen without the other, despite being terrible influences on each other. They eat glue, have “fun-cussions,” share tampons, and rub each other’s eyes to get pink eye. But I mean, c’mon, they’re adorably close. That should be all that matters.

Tammy – Corn on a Cob

If you ever have had corn on a cob, you know that it can be tasty but that it is not an ideal food to eat with other people because of how messy it can get. Corn stuck in teeth, no toothpick available, impending picture coming up where you have to smile and show all that corn in the crevice of your gums… No thanks.

Tammy is that one kernel you can’t get our of your teeth. She can be “delectable” when you initially meet her. BUT towards the end of the relationship, you come to realize that she’s pretentious, selfish, and egotistical. Definitely annoying to hang with, exactly like hoW annoying it is to have corn stuck in your teeth.

Mr. Frond – Redbull

Redbull is one hell of a drink, it gives you wings (disclaimer: it does not actually give you wings)! It will get you from 0 to 100 real quick, hyping you up in a moment of seconds. Drinking too much might leave you with a bit too much of enthusiasm unfortunately.

The Belcher kids’ school guidance counselor, Mr. Frond, attempts to help troubled children with the fire of passion and love (maybe a little bit too much love). He really tries his best to make the kids excited for school with his definition of fun, something that however does not translate over to the language of the students.

Mr. Fischoeder – Surströmming

If you have never heard of surströmming, go on Youtube and educate yourself by watching many attempt but fail to swallow this Swedish staple. With an odor that will literally make your eyes well up with tears, surströmming is a strange item that should not be messed with.

Mr. Fischoeder’s name is literally “fish odor.” He also has a creeping presence everywhere in Bob’s life at all the wrong times. He is a very peculiar character with weird habits that puts fear into the hearts of the Belcher family. Spooky. And very hard to swallow.