Beer (Blackadder)
"Beer" is the fifth episode of the BBC sitcom Blackadder II, the second series of Blackadder, which was set in Elizabethan England from 1558 to 1603. In the episode, an embarrassing incident with a turnip, an ostrich feather and a fanatically Puritan aunt leads to a right royal to-do in the Blackadder household. The episode marks Miriam Margolyes's second and Hugh Laurie's first ever Blackadder appearance with Laurie going on to appear in every subsequent episode of the show. Plot 
Blackadder is having breakfast with Lord Percy when he receives a letter informing him that his fanatically Puritan but extremely wealthy aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, will be visiting him to discuss the terms of his inheritance over dinner that evening, Percy also revealing they're frightful bores. Before Edmund can revel in his good fortune, though, he summons Baldrick who's using a piece of cheese at the end of his nose to catch mice without success, Blackadder telling Baldrick of the upcoming event. Upon hearing a knock from outside, Blackadder tells Baldrick to get the door and as Baldrick leaves, Percy congratulates Blackadder who reveals Percy isn't getting a cent. Seconds later, there's a crash and Baldrick arrives in, literally holding a door with Blackadder asking for a "phenomenally good" explanation. Unsurprisingly, Baldrick's excuse that it was Blackadder who tell him to get the door has Blackadder firing Baldrick who reveals he and his fellow Baldricks have been a servant in the Blackadder family since 1532, Blackadder adding that so has syphilis before telling Baldrick to get out. As Baldrick prepares to leave, he informs Blackadder that there was a messenger at the door who's told him Queen Elizabeth demands his presence at court as his rival, Lord Melchett is very sick and apparently at death's door with Blackadder rehiring Baldrick seconds later. Blackadder rushes to Richmond Palace to discover the Queen and Nursie tending to an ailing Lord Melchett, whom the Queen believes to be dying. However, it is quickly revealed that Melchett is simply suffering from a dire hangover, having been out drinking the night before. Blackadder mocks Melchett for his lack of alcoholic tolerance, while Melchett reminds Edmund of his own drunkenness during the visit of the King of Austria where Blackadder wandered naked around the grounds of Hampton Court singing "I'm Merlin, The Happy Pig", an incident Melchett recalls caused shame and embarrassment. Blackadder challenges his rival to a drinking bout, with 10,000 florins at stake. After Blackadder leaves, Queenie tells Nursie she conspires to somehow gain entry to the party. Upon arriving back home, Blackadder begins to draft a guest list for the drinking party, with Percy's assistance before Blackadder summons Baldrick who is now going after cats with Blackadder wanting to send out messages in the blood of his dogsbody but the effort fails, Blackadder dismissing Baldrick. After that, Blackadder calls on Percy who's already drafting a guest list for the party, Blackadder learning Percy wants to invite his girlfriend, Gwendolyn but Blackadder prevents from happening, stating, "Sorry. No chicks". He then reveals the guests will include Simon Partridge, a perpetually drunken aristocrat nicknamed "Farters Parters" and "Mr. Ostrich" who, according to Percy, is also a "fearful oik", leading Blackadder to comment, "Takes one to know one, Perc", Sir Geoffrey "Here's to the Health of Cardinal Chunder" Piddle, a deranged civil servant, and Freddie Frobisher, "the flatulent friar of Lindisfarne" which has Percy holding his nose in disgust. Things are further complicated when Percy reminds him that the puritan Whiteadders will also be coming around to dinner that same evening which has Blackadder dismayed. Blackadder hastily returns to the Queen and asks that the contest be moved to another night; however, she senses that he is trying to cop out of his promise (since she also knows about his tendency to sing about the goblin when drunk) and refuses to postpone the contest while Nursie mistakenly believes Blackadder is trying to get out of having a bath and wearing a nappy, forcing Queenie to tell her to shut up. Blackadder then agrees to hold the contest, Queenie remarking that she loves it when Blackadder gets cross and sometimes she thinks of having him executed just to see the expression on his face. Back at his house, Blackadder decides to hold both events on the same evening but in different rooms of the house. The drinking party consisting of broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting is to be held in Baldrick's bedroom, while the Whiteadders are to dine with Percy in Blackadder's dining room. Blackadder is further annoyed when he is informed by Percy and Baldrick that while rooting through the vegetable patch for suitable food, they came across "a turnip shaped exactly like a 'thingie'", Baldrick and Percy are amused at that one much to Blackadder's annoyance. Baldrick then informs Blackadder that his master does not have 10,000 florins to gamble with, questioning the wisdom of his master holding a drinking contest; according to the dogsbody, everyone knows once Blackadder has one drop of the ale, he falls flat on his face and starts singing "that song about the goblin". To outlast Melchett at the drinking contest while simultaneously not making a fool out of himself in front of his aunt and uncle, Blackadder conjures up a plan to avoid alcohol without the other drinkers noticing, telling Baldrick to hand him water when he asks for his "incredibly strong ale" at the party. Seconds later, the Whiteadders arrive, Blackadder greeting them although he gets a slap from Lady Whiteadder who calls him a wicked child, remarking that everyone hates them and he knows it. The couple are comically revealed to be maniacally devout and denounce most everyday comforts as the work of Satan, including chairs (for being comfortable; at home, Lord Whiteadder sits on a spike, with his wife sitting on him - "Two spikes would be extravagant"), mashed foodstuffs (believing that mashing is not what God intended and was designed to destroy the "sacred shape" of vegetables), the concept of family (due to the requirement of sex) and warmth (since "cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics"). To make matters worse, Lord Nathanial Whiteadder has taken a "vow of silence", not saying anything, leaving Edmund's abusive and volatile aunt to hold the conversation. Whenever Blackadder casually mentions a subject she disapproves of, Lady Whiteadder comically slaps him across the face twice and denounces him as a "Wicked child! ", even inflicting this on Percy. The drinking guests arrive, wearing fake comedy breasts and rubber noses on their foreheads, singing Happy Birthday despite Edmund insisting it's not his birthday, Edmund leading them to the bedroom where they begin drinking. Melchett arrives shortly after, sporting a larger, golden pair of breasts. The intoxicated guests make Blackadder's situation even more difficult by being very rowdy, annoying and destructive, causing him to concoct increasingly ridiculous stories and lies to conceal what is going on from his aunt and uncle. Percy's imbecilic behaviour also greatly irritates Lady Whiteadder and Edmund who resorts to knocking Percy off his chair, although Lady Whiteadder is pleasantly surprised by the "thingie-shaped" turnip that Baldrick presents to her. The Queen arrives at the party, disguised as Percy's girlfriend Gwendolyn, and Blackadder, not realizing who she is makes the mistake of locking her in the closet. In the other room, Melchett calls Blackadder out on his efforts to participate in the drinking game. Blackadder then calls for his strong ale, but Baldrick quickly exposes the "ale" as being water, a statement that leaves Melchett and the other competitors at first shocked with Melchett going "What?!" and Partridge even being heard growling in anger. Their surprise turns to outrage when Baldrick reveals it's water, resulting in Blackadder headbutting Baldrick who falls to the ground. Melchett, Partridge and the other men then force Blackadder to drink a very strong ale with Blackadder reluctantly doing so as the others cheer him on. Forty-two seconds later, Blackadder re-enters the dining room blind drunk, bearing an ostrich feather up his bottom and wearing a cardinal's hat, drunkenly informing Percy he lost the bet. His aunt recognises that he has been both drinking and gambling, directing her anger at Percy whom she slaps once again. Blackadder who's sitting on a chair begins remarking about a song concerning goblins and soon reveals his intention of earning  (as he puts it) "a whopping-great inheritance" from his aunt and uncle, Lady Whitadder even revealing that not saying the word, "farts" was another term for his inheritance. Blackadder then tells his aunt or the "old trout" to shove off which has a shock reaction from the Whiteadders and Percy, Lady Whiteadder mistakenly believing the insult's directed at her husband. Once they've left, Blackadder rues what's happened although Lord Whiteadder briefly returns, saying he enjoyed the evening, particularly the turnip. However, things become rather confusing when both parties accidentally meet in the hallway. Melchett's drinking crew assume the Whiteadders to be strippers, and release the Queen from the cupboard while Blackadder drunkenly believes she's Merlin the Happy Pig. Everyone falls to their knees when she reveals who she really is and after claiming she has the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant, Partridge defiantly tells her to prove it before he too bows once again. Queenie announces she will. She then reveals she's going to first "have a little drinkie", and then execute everyone with the whole group looking on nervously as she takes a drink from one of the jugs. By dawn the following morning, everyone is hungover and sitting in Blackadder's dining room, singing along to his rendition of the goblin song which Blackadder hasn't been able to finish yet much to his annoyance. The guests are all confused as to what has happened: Melchett has forgotten about the drinking bet, Queenie has forgotten her threats of execution although she notes that there was something important she had to do to everyone and Lord Whiteadder seems willing to discuss the inheritance, while Lady Whiteadder emerges from beneath Queenie's frock, and upon hearing Blackadder mention the word "luck", proclaims that it sounds rude, due to its sounding "almost exactly like 'fu–". The credits roll before she finishes. Cast 

 Rowan Atkinson as Edmund Blackadder
 Tim McInnerny as Lord Percy Percy
 Tony Robinson as Baldrick
 Miranda Richardson as Queen Elizabeth I
 Stephen Fry as Lord Melchett
 Patsy Byrne as Nursie
 Miriam Margolyes as Lady Whiteadder
 Daniel Thorndike as Lord Nathaniel Whiteadder; the role was originally offered to Jim Broadbent, who was unavailable, as a reference to the double act role he played opposite Margolyes in the first series. Hugh Laurie as Simon Partridge, a drunk aristocrat who's also known as Mr. Ostrich and Farters Parters. Roger Blake as Geoffrey Piddle
 William Hootkins as Freddie Frobisher, the flatulent hermit of Lindisfarne (listed as "Monk" in credits)

References

External links

 
 

Blackadder episodes
1986 British television episodes
Television shows written by Ben Elton
Cultural depictions of Elizabeth I
Television shows written by Richard Curtis