TELL ME ABOUT IT: ADVICE FOR THE UNDER-30 CROWD
I'm 26 and met my boyfriend in 1994 through mutual friends. We began to see each other regularly, and the relationship developed into an intense one where we did a majority of our activities together. After two years we moved in together. The first few weeks were like a honeymoon, but his unemployment and some of the closeness we had developed was smothering both of us. We broke up and he moved out.</br></br>We maintained some contact afterward, but each of us dated other people and sometimes talked with the other about struggles with those relationships. After nine months and two conversations about it we decided to give it another shot. We have entered couples' therapy, and have begun our "new" involvement at a slow and thoughtful pace with a pretty good understanding of the issues around which we clash. I am excited about the direction we are heading in, and wanted you to receive something from a Generation Xer who has her head on straight. -- H.A.</br></br>I was with you till the "couples' therapy" part. Do you really want to be part of a pair that needs help with the dating phase? Courtship is supposed to be a fun, carefree time spent getting to know someone to see if there is enough love and compatibility for a life commitment. Carefree because your mind is clearest before you become encumbered by kids, mortgages and other responsibilities to each other, and fun because it will be tough to weather a war if you don't enjoy each other at peace. Call it a trial period with appetizers.</br></br>You guys, on the other hand, have not only analyzed "fun" onto the endangered species list, but you weathered your one crisis -- his unemployment, which in the early twenties isn't even that huge -- by busting up.</br></br>I know you're proud of how things worked out; by finding fault, I feel as if I just backed over your dog. But therapy should be a last resort, and then only for already-married couples who by definition have a pressing reason to make things work. You're 26! You're single! You have years to find someone who clicks without professional intervention.