i don t have someone emotionally close by my parent do love me but it s cold and lack intimacy i am looking to feel emotionally safe i am trying to find a girlfriend with whom i can be safe emotionally but till them i feel i am fighting alone with no one to give me a hand if i fall emotionally to get up so i fear doing lot of thing i live in state of fear like i might one wrong thing with a date work etc and domino will fall and everything will come crumbling down which will now even push me off my physical safety couple of thing about me i am m brown man from india currently living in europe i had childhood where i had oppositional defiant disorder imagine the junior healy from problem child or the movie the babadook but he had understanding father i didn t had such supporting figure and school made it clear to my mother if he isn t disciplined he will be kicked out of school and she fearing i would not have better future without school education i will be left behind she implemented corporal punishment like kicking me hitting with metal rod etc and routine shaming at school for me being bad wa common getting kicked out of class wa common so much that now i joke about my childhood a being and outstanding student because of many time i wa to stand out of class there wa a point when thing got to boiling point that my mom wished i wasn t born to her eventually i realized the pain i caused people about me i started to doing thing to make others my mom happy well i tried it didn t worked always i never lost my rebel streak but a constant ping in my head would haunt me of thing i have done to cause others inconvenience in past somewhere down the line i lost myself and i trying to be myself but i fear of falling in my old self and everybody hating me i have fear of judgment like one recent example i live in white neighborhood and given the medium doesn t have that many positive image of young brown man other than extremely nerdy or extremely creepy and i fear if i like someone who isn t brown might judge me don t get me wrong if a stoic brown girl come in my life with good sense of humor and decent looking i don t mind having a relationship with her but i fear if we both have exposed to similar set of medium trope she might judge me by same parameter i try to use humor a coping mechanism to make people around me happy but then get in overthinking and depression mode if one person doesn t laugh or find me annoying i have intimacy issue i think i don t remember exact detail but i wa being cheeky a usual with a girl back in india she wa laughing at my joke and at one point she said you so cute and hugged me that feeling of hug felt so foreign that i stood there frozen i am hyper independent cause my mom have warned me since childhood that world is not safe place and people can take advantage of you so never be under anybody s thumb which i guess make sense not gon na lie but it also make you skeptical of lot of people which is also not good i guess i will help someone with no second thought but asking for help make me feel like keep a large rock on my heart so i forgo my need seeing happy couple make me depressed a i feel left behind like i should have done this long time ago anybody can tell me something or provide me with link or insight a for now i couldn t afford therapy i am trying to find one i am in talk with a therapy at a church in a city thanks a lot
Classification of TEXT into LABEL: is depression , is not depression
### TEXT:
i don t have someone emotionally close by my parent do love me but it s cold and lack intimacy i am looking to feel emotionally safe i am trying to find a girlfriend with whom i can be safe emotionally but till them i feel i am fighting alone with no one to give me a hand if i fall emotionally to get up so i fear doing lot of thing i live in state of fear like i might one wrong thing with a date work etc and domino will fall and everything will come crumbling down which will now even push me off my physical safety couple of thing about me i am m brown man from india currently living in europe i had childhood where i had oppositional defiant disorder imagine the junior healy from problem child or the movie the babadook but he had understanding father i didn t had such supporting figure and school made it clear to my mother if he isn t disciplined he will be kicked out of school and she fearing i would not have better future without school education i will be left behind she implemented corporal punishment like kicking me hitting with metal rod etc and routine shaming at school for me being bad wa common getting kicked out of class wa common so much that now i joke about my childhood a being and outstanding student because of many time i wa to stand out of class there wa a point when thing got to boiling point that my mom wished i wasn t born to her eventually i realized the pain i caused people about me i started to doing thing to make others my mom happy well i tried it didn t worked always i never lost my rebel streak but a constant ping in my head would haunt me of thing i have done to cause others inconvenience in past somewhere down the line i lost myself and i trying to be myself but i fear of falling in my old self and everybody hating me i have fear of judgment like one recent example i live in white neighborhood and given the medium doesn t have that many positive image of young brown man other than extremely nerdy or extremely creepy and i fear if i like someone who isn t brown might judge me don t get me wrong if a stoic brown girl come in my life with good sense of humor and decent looking i don t mind having a relationship with her but i fear if we both have exposed to similar set of medium trope she might judge me by same parameter i try to use humor a coping mechanism to make people around me happy but then get in overthinking and depression mode if one person doesn t laugh or find me annoying i have intimacy issue i think i don t remember exact detail but i wa being cheeky a usual with a girl back in india she wa laughing at my joke and at one point she said you so cute and hugged me that feeling of hug felt so foreign that i stood there frozen i am hyper independent cause my mom have warned me since childhood that world is not safe place and people can take advantage of you so never be under anybody s thumb which i guess make sense not gon na lie but it also make you skeptical of lot of people which is also not good i guess i will help someone with no second thought but asking for help make me feel like keep a large rock on my heart so i forgo my need seeing happy couple make me depressed a i feel left behind like i should have done this long time ago anybody can tell me something or provide me with link or insight a for now i couldn t afford therapy i am trying to find one i am in talk with a therapy at a church in a city thanks a lot
### LABEL:
is depression