this is my first reddit post also my first time sharing this information with anyone but i can t really keep it in anymore man so bear with me hopefully there s a psychiatrist out there that will read this and hit me with some world altering advice because there is absolutely no way in hell i will ever tell anyone especially not a doctor or psychiatrist what you are about to read but i really just need to get this out there first and foremost no im not going to kill myself let s get that out of the way but i do think im depressed i wa telling myself it wa just a life slump for a long time then i wa telling myself it wa just sadness from the slump now i ve literally been sad and thinking negatively of myself almost every day for like a year and i got ta talk about it with someone even if someone is this phone screen i ve always had major self esteem and confidence issue not really sure what it stem from but i have always felt inferior to those around me which btw i can not believe people live life happy with their appearance that is a blessing that people take for granted anyways ive done some research and educated myself with the science behind depression and i believe that over the past few year a mix of rapid lifestyle change and stress related event ha caused me to have depression the part that confuses me is that while my life is on the more stressful and busy side of thing i don t feel like it s a bad life to live i have wonderful friend family i have a great scholarship to a good school i do fun thing and go to party and drink i feel like an average person put in my shoe would be happy and excel if they had any drive or passion at all which i do not probably why i fuck everything up all the time it is common for me to have suicidal thought i really don t know why since in reality i wouldn t want to kill myself i may be a piece of shit but im not selfish nor do i like the pain of self harm i am self aware of these thought and i have attempted breathing and thought altering method to get rid of them but they pierce my heart and mind like a dagger it physically hurt they are not always about suicide but they are always very negative targeted at myself i just can t help staring out at the edge of that cliff wishing i had the nut to finally end it all sometimes i can t look at myself in the mirror because i know it ll lead me to thinking negatively about myself just at the sight of me and a sad a it is to say it i really just do not like myself i look in the mirror and want to smash it or rip my face off because of how ugly i am objectively and on paper i am not the worst looking guy im and im physically fit but holy shit i swear what i see in the mirror and what other people see when they look at me must be completely different there have been a few instance in recent month of people tell me im decent looking or im good looking or i have a nice body and i take the compliment and try and try to see it in myself but i just can t i literally can t i don t see it i don t know where you guy are looking but i truly don t see what you see okay it s not just about my appearance i find myself annoying and awkward i try to be a happy go lucky guy most of the time usually bringing conversation and a smile and sarcasm and even some humor sometimes but behind my smile is most commonly a frown im fucking annoying my thought scream at me at how what i just said is so stupid and i need to shut the fuck up why do i talk so much why would i ask that ect i talk too much sometimes i say thing i dont even mean or agree with just to say something i never know when to talk and when not to and it frustrates me a lot im volatile and irritable and ugh i fuck up most thing i do work school relationship you know how it go the classic poor me self pity i ruin everything type shpeal something about the way i wa made is just wrong i guess that s another one of those negative thought that repeat in my head a lot born wrong today i had the pleasure of envisioning myself fist fighting myself beating my own face in felt great honestly wish i could ve made it a reality i can t find happiness in any of the thing i used to enjoy ive gradually stopped all my hobby except for the gym which is where i take my anger out usually i have a lot of that i can t even sit through a movie without thinking what is the point of me doing this what is the point life feel numb pointless i go about my societal life just like everybody else i study work play sleep rarely but it all feel the same a gray bland mesh of nothing even something like eating delicious food i just don t get enjoyment anymore the best way i can explain how i feel is if im with people and someone make a joke that people laugh at of course i laugh but if nobody else laughed i would never know when to laugh honest opinion of myself i fucking suck im lazy and i lie all the time to keep up a persona of not being a sad downer hater fuck i constantly make poor decision and can t seem to learn from previous one im ugly the only thing im good at are mansplaining and making a fool of myself i say dumb shit and get shit on for it what kind of asshole ha the privilege and opportunity that i have and is still sad and lazy like this im the type of person that wa actually just wired wrong in the head and the fact that i try and try to be appreciative of my life and still can t disgust me to be honest i don t even know who i am a few month ago someone asked me what my hidden talent is i replied nothing i don t have one i really don t have a talent or something im good at and seeing people around me do amazing thing and then watching myself dig deeper and deeper into this rut really hurt i do not feel like this id say about 0 of the time i forget about all my stress and worry and appearance and fuck ups and im actually happy then when the happy go away i realize that whatever made me happy is so very temporary and it all come flooding back im just running around my mess of a life chasing those euphoric mindless high and happiness that seem to get weaker and shorter each time i find them the question i find myself asking often is why why am i doing this why do i feel this way why did i say that why did i do that why am i a certain way yadda yadda i am a realist i also truly believe there is no point to this life why do we all live such stressful unrewarding life putting all our effort in just to die and be forgotten forever i read comment on post like these saying that life is beautiful meet everyone you can experience nature get help it get better it can get better but the thing is no it can t everyone s situation is different i guess but where im at and what im doing nothing gon na change im not going anywhere even if i wa it wouldn t matter societal standing and fancy job position mean nothing human are not made equal everyone is different special in their own way therefore some people are biologically and factually better than others whether it s stronger larger smarter faster people are different and some trait are preferable i just happened to get stuck with the trait that make me fucking suck at life no amount of meditation or antidepressant fuck big pharm is going to change who i am people don t change painting a leopard red doesn t remove his spot it just hide them temporarily well it s and im going to the gym at and then lecture after that so i guess i should sleep a few hour so my motor function stay working so i can keep going on in this endless cycle of pointless effort thanks for hearing my ted talk wish me luck on my chemistry exam good night all lt
Classification of TEXT into LABEL: is depression , is not depression
### TEXT:
this is my first reddit post also my first time sharing this information with anyone but i can t really keep it in anymore man so bear with me hopefully there s a psychiatrist out there that will read this and hit me with some world altering advice because there is absolutely no way in hell i will ever tell anyone especially not a doctor or psychiatrist what you are about to read but i really just need to get this out there first and foremost no im not going to kill myself let s get that out of the way but i do think im depressed i wa telling myself it wa just a life slump for a long time then i wa telling myself it wa just sadness from the slump now i ve literally been sad and thinking negatively of myself almost every day for like a year and i got ta talk about it with someone even if someone is this phone screen i ve always had major self esteem and confidence issue not really sure what it stem from but i have always felt inferior to those around me which btw i can not believe people live life happy with their appearance that is a blessing that people take for granted anyways ive done some research and educated myself with the science behind depression and i believe that over the past few year a mix of rapid lifestyle change and stress related event ha caused me to have depression the part that confuses me is that while my life is on the more stressful and busy side of thing i don t feel like it s a bad life to live i have wonderful friend family i have a great scholarship to a good school i do fun thing and go to party and drink i feel like an average person put in my shoe would be happy and excel if they had any drive or passion at all which i do not probably why i fuck everything up all the time it is common for me to have suicidal thought i really don t know why since in reality i wouldn t want to kill myself i may be a piece of shit but im not selfish nor do i like the pain of self harm i am self aware of these thought and i have attempted breathing and thought altering method to get rid of them but they pierce my heart and mind like a dagger it physically hurt they are not always about suicide but they are always very negative targeted at myself i just can t help staring out at the edge of that cliff wishing i had the nut to finally end it all sometimes i can t look at myself in the mirror because i know it ll lead me to thinking negatively about myself just at the sight of me and a sad a it is to say it i really just do not like myself i look in the mirror and want to smash it or rip my face off because of how ugly i am objectively and on paper i am not the worst looking guy im and im physically fit but holy shit i swear what i see in the mirror and what other people see when they look at me must be completely different there have been a few instance in recent month of people tell me im decent looking or im good looking or i have a nice body and i take the compliment and try and try to see it in myself but i just can t i literally can t i don t see it i don t know where you guy are looking but i truly don t see what you see okay it s not just about my appearance i find myself annoying and awkward i try to be a happy go lucky guy most of the time usually bringing conversation and a smile and sarcasm and even some humor sometimes but behind my smile is most commonly a frown im fucking annoying my thought scream at me at how what i just said is so stupid and i need to shut the fuck up why do i talk so much why would i ask that ect i talk too much sometimes i say thing i dont even mean or agree with just to say something i never know when to talk and when not to and it frustrates me a lot im volatile and irritable and ugh i fuck up most thing i do work school relationship you know how it go the classic poor me self pity i ruin everything type shpeal something about the way i wa made is just wrong i guess that s another one of those negative thought that repeat in my head a lot born wrong today i had the pleasure of envisioning myself fist fighting myself beating my own face in felt great honestly wish i could ve made it a reality i can t find happiness in any of the thing i used to enjoy ive gradually stopped all my hobby except for the gym which is where i take my anger out usually i have a lot of that i can t even sit through a movie without thinking what is the point of me doing this what is the point life feel numb pointless i go about my societal life just like everybody else i study work play sleep rarely but it all feel the same a gray bland mesh of nothing even something like eating delicious food i just don t get enjoyment anymore the best way i can explain how i feel is if im with people and someone make a joke that people laugh at of course i laugh but if nobody else laughed i would never know when to laugh honest opinion of myself i fucking suck im lazy and i lie all the time to keep up a persona of not being a sad downer hater fuck i constantly make poor decision and can t seem to learn from previous one im ugly the only thing im good at are mansplaining and making a fool of myself i say dumb shit and get shit on for it what kind of asshole ha the privilege and opportunity that i have and is still sad and lazy like this im the type of person that wa actually just wired wrong in the head and the fact that i try and try to be appreciative of my life and still can t disgust me to be honest i don t even know who i am a few month ago someone asked me what my hidden talent is i replied nothing i don t have one i really don t have a talent or something im good at and seeing people around me do amazing thing and then watching myself dig deeper and deeper into this rut really hurt i do not feel like this id say about 0 of the time i forget about all my stress and worry and appearance and fuck ups and im actually happy then when the happy go away i realize that whatever made me happy is so very temporary and it all come flooding back im just running around my mess of a life chasing those euphoric mindless high and happiness that seem to get weaker and shorter each time i find them the question i find myself asking often is why why am i doing this why do i feel this way why did i say that why did i do that why am i a certain way yadda yadda i am a realist i also truly believe there is no point to this life why do we all live such stressful unrewarding life putting all our effort in just to die and be forgotten forever i read comment on post like these saying that life is beautiful meet everyone you can experience nature get help it get better it can get better but the thing is no it can t everyone s situation is different i guess but where im at and what im doing nothing gon na change im not going anywhere even if i wa it wouldn t matter societal standing and fancy job position mean nothing human are not made equal everyone is different special in their own way therefore some people are biologically and factually better than others whether it s stronger larger smarter faster people are different and some trait are preferable i just happened to get stuck with the trait that make me fucking suck at life no amount of meditation or antidepressant fuck big pharm is going to change who i am people don t change painting a leopard red doesn t remove his spot it just hide them temporarily well it s and im going to the gym at and then lecture after that so i guess i should sleep a few hour so my motor function stay working so i can keep going on in this endless cycle of pointless effort thanks for hearing my ted talk wish me luck on my chemistry exam good night all lt
### LABEL:
is depression