i don t know i don t know i don t know i really really don t know what is going on and i am very confused and afraid for the last year and some change i have not been able to avoid the constant intense desire to violently commit suicide i fight it by trying to think hard about my family and friend and dog and all the good thing in life i have to life for but i am tired of fighting my own brain this hard every single moment of the day there are many many day where it feel like i reach my absolute breaking point and i think i m going to do it but then if i let a couple of hour go by or smoke some weed i feel fine great even but thats the thing i never really know when that s going to end i don t know the next time i ll feel better or the next time i ll feel this low it just kind of hit me and catch me off guard every single time i have always had intense emotional problem even since early childhood and i recall having suicidal ideation at even like or year old i have been diagnosed a bipolar a year ago but i absolutely believe i have a wild case of bpd i have thought that since high school but only in these recent sophomore and junior year of college have the suicidal ideation have become intense urge it feel like i have tried every other option to try to feel happy better but they all either don t work to work for a short time and eventually fail i ve tried therapy last year for the first time thru my school it wa okay they put me on mg abilify and that helped a bit seemed when i wa on the med i would often joke to myself i m glad im on these med because if i wasn t i wa definitely going to kill myself but i dont take them anymore my mother wa very concerned about all the side effect i wa having random spell of fainting or vomiting and heavily encouraged me to get off it and she also mentioned that maybe my emotional problem were intensified by the sudden condition from covid on a teenager well i wa back then and that everyone wa going through a hard time and that made sense to me so i decided to get off it i dont think i ll be able to afford it anyway after college but thats just some side background info there are time i have blanked and scared myself and that s what make me feel like my life is in danger sometimes there wa a time last year during an episode i just started stabbing my arm repeatedly with my cuticle nipper manicure tool thing it broke the skin but they were all obviously very tiny it always scared me looking back because i think if it wa a razor blade or a knife or something it would have killed me i didn t even know what i wa doing my emotion were so strong and i just started doing it there wa another time this year where during another episode i mindlessly drove to target early in the morning to get a fresh pack of razor blade to cut myself with i did not realize what i wa doing until i got all the way back home and wa trying to figure out how to work the razor blade dispenser it just hit me wow did i really just get in my car drive 0 min to target and buy nothing but razor blade to cut myself and maybe kill myself with this is where i worried i wa getting out of control and might actually do it one day i am scared it is soon i don t want it to be but i am scared it might be the urge is so strong there are time i feel no longer in complete control of my action i am scared i am checking the box for someone who is experiencing a mental health emergency but i don t know if i really am or if im just someone who is overdramatic sensitive life inexperienced privileged and attention seeking there are time i fear that i am being attention seeking and being manipulative with my emotion even when i am alone and express them and don t talk to anyone irl about it that confuses me the most but i can never really be sure which lead me to reddit sometimes i think back on my thought if that make sense and look back at previous question i ve asked and don t know if they are normal or not to a degree i know they aren t but i don t know if it s really that bad i am afraid sometimes that if i do kill myself all these thing along with my search history music taste social behavior substance abuse problem shit i ll admit it etc etc are all indicative of someone who is going to kill themselves i look in the mirror and see someone who is going to kill themselves soon i dont want to do it i dont want to do it i always think to myself am i going to be a suicide statistic are these all the inevitable sign and symptom am i about to be one of the of college student to kill themselves this thought distress me very much i have never attempted suicide before i personally know people and read about people online who have but when they describe their emotion i do not really relate to them it seems a though my condition is never really a serious a theirs like i said i ve never officially tried before these people have so it make me think that whatever crazy shit is going on in my head i just need to get over i wish so desperately that i could do that i think i am just emotionally weak you can go back in my post history and see me weird post some i have hidden to avoid ridicule but i don t know how to get them back i notice people around me always ask if i m okay if i ever accidentally share the slightest tip of the iceberg of my feeling with them and the comment i get on reddit post telling me that i should seek professional help immediately i wa looking on my school s counseling website and they have a whole special section for resource for people who might need immediate help am i really one of those people am i experiencing a mental health emergency do i need to be monitored in a hospital there are time i do feel like i am a potential danger to myself but unlike depressed people i at least am able to feel great sometimes when i hear about people who come back from grippy sock vacation i really cringe at that term but thats what everyone around me seems to use they mention their trauma and abuse and i didn t really have it a bad a them i am just sensitive i come to reddit in desperation i have never known how to express my feeling on this without accidentally guilt tripping or manipulating people so i avoid talking about my feeling with people i know irl outside of therapist do i really need help like hospital help is this an emergency it feel like one but is it really please help me tl dr i dont want to kill myself but i a scared that i might or am i just being a weirdo
Classification of TEXT into LABEL: is depression , is not depression
### TEXT:
i don t know i don t know i don t know i really really don t know what is going on and i am very confused and afraid for the last year and some change i have not been able to avoid the constant intense desire to violently commit suicide i fight it by trying to think hard about my family and friend and dog and all the good thing in life i have to life for but i am tired of fighting my own brain this hard every single moment of the day there are many many day where it feel like i reach my absolute breaking point and i think i m going to do it but then if i let a couple of hour go by or smoke some weed i feel fine great even but thats the thing i never really know when that s going to end i don t know the next time i ll feel better or the next time i ll feel this low it just kind of hit me and catch me off guard every single time i have always had intense emotional problem even since early childhood and i recall having suicidal ideation at even like or year old i have been diagnosed a bipolar a year ago but i absolutely believe i have a wild case of bpd i have thought that since high school but only in these recent sophomore and junior year of college have the suicidal ideation have become intense urge it feel like i have tried every other option to try to feel happy better but they all either don t work to work for a short time and eventually fail i ve tried therapy last year for the first time thru my school it wa okay they put me on mg abilify and that helped a bit seemed when i wa on the med i would often joke to myself i m glad im on these med because if i wasn t i wa definitely going to kill myself but i dont take them anymore my mother wa very concerned about all the side effect i wa having random spell of fainting or vomiting and heavily encouraged me to get off it and she also mentioned that maybe my emotional problem were intensified by the sudden condition from covid on a teenager well i wa back then and that everyone wa going through a hard time and that made sense to me so i decided to get off it i dont think i ll be able to afford it anyway after college but thats just some side background info there are time i have blanked and scared myself and that s what make me feel like my life is in danger sometimes there wa a time last year during an episode i just started stabbing my arm repeatedly with my cuticle nipper manicure tool thing it broke the skin but they were all obviously very tiny it always scared me looking back because i think if it wa a razor blade or a knife or something it would have killed me i didn t even know what i wa doing my emotion were so strong and i just started doing it there wa another time this year where during another episode i mindlessly drove to target early in the morning to get a fresh pack of razor blade to cut myself with i did not realize what i wa doing until i got all the way back home and wa trying to figure out how to work the razor blade dispenser it just hit me wow did i really just get in my car drive 0 min to target and buy nothing but razor blade to cut myself and maybe kill myself with this is where i worried i wa getting out of control and might actually do it one day i am scared it is soon i don t want it to be but i am scared it might be the urge is so strong there are time i feel no longer in complete control of my action i am scared i am checking the box for someone who is experiencing a mental health emergency but i don t know if i really am or if im just someone who is overdramatic sensitive life inexperienced privileged and attention seeking there are time i fear that i am being attention seeking and being manipulative with my emotion even when i am alone and express them and don t talk to anyone irl about it that confuses me the most but i can never really be sure which lead me to reddit sometimes i think back on my thought if that make sense and look back at previous question i ve asked and don t know if they are normal or not to a degree i know they aren t but i don t know if it s really that bad i am afraid sometimes that if i do kill myself all these thing along with my search history music taste social behavior substance abuse problem shit i ll admit it etc etc are all indicative of someone who is going to kill themselves i look in the mirror and see someone who is going to kill themselves soon i dont want to do it i dont want to do it i always think to myself am i going to be a suicide statistic are these all the inevitable sign and symptom am i about to be one of the of college student to kill themselves this thought distress me very much i have never attempted suicide before i personally know people and read about people online who have but when they describe their emotion i do not really relate to them it seems a though my condition is never really a serious a theirs like i said i ve never officially tried before these people have so it make me think that whatever crazy shit is going on in my head i just need to get over i wish so desperately that i could do that i think i am just emotionally weak you can go back in my post history and see me weird post some i have hidden to avoid ridicule but i don t know how to get them back i notice people around me always ask if i m okay if i ever accidentally share the slightest tip of the iceberg of my feeling with them and the comment i get on reddit post telling me that i should seek professional help immediately i wa looking on my school s counseling website and they have a whole special section for resource for people who might need immediate help am i really one of those people am i experiencing a mental health emergency do i need to be monitored in a hospital there are time i do feel like i am a potential danger to myself but unlike depressed people i at least am able to feel great sometimes when i hear about people who come back from grippy sock vacation i really cringe at that term but thats what everyone around me seems to use they mention their trauma and abuse and i didn t really have it a bad a them i am just sensitive i come to reddit in desperation i have never known how to express my feeling on this without accidentally guilt tripping or manipulating people so i avoid talking about my feeling with people i know irl outside of therapist do i really need help like hospital help is this an emergency it feel like one but is it really please help me tl dr i dont want to kill myself but i a scared that i might or am i just being a weirdo
### LABEL:
is depression