my life is a total shitshow i had an abusive childhood physical mental and emotional abuse complete neglect and ignoring from my father and overbearing manipulation from my mother religious abuse because of the way i wa raised i wa sexually molested in high school i went from that life experience straight into unexpected motherhood and eventually a marriage that quickly became toxic but i loved him so much that i couldn t even acknowledge the abuse that wa happening more kid later i watch them living through their own childhood hell and i tried so hard to fix everything but it just kept getting worse being used worsening mental and emotional abuse trying to carry the demand and unhappiness of someone who refused to get help for their diagnosed mental issue and i began losing myself in my own anxiety and depression after year of escalating mistreatment and abuse my husband told me he wanted a divorce the following month were a nightmare i found out he wa cheating on me and went through more abuse during the process of separation i fell completely apart emotionally and began having multiple panic attack a day i couldnt eat or sleep i had heart attack brought on from the stress my husband wa still living in our house at the time but didnt even show concern or acknowledge that i almost died i wa back at work the following monday he took all the money and spent what little i made at time i couldn t even feed my kid my daughter wa buying food at school so she and her younger brother could eat i fought tooth and nail for my marriage trying so hard because even though he treated me like shit he wa my world and i loved him he had been my rock throughout my teen year helping me get through the abuse and trauma at home only to become the same type of father himself i tried to help him to help my kid and i loved them all with my entire being trying to be the glue that held u all together but i couldn t fight the inevitable my entire life wa torn apart he divorced me leaving me with our traumatized suffering kid and our broken down house to assuage his guilt i sought help because i wa self harming and suicidal i wa diagnosed with a slew of mental condition including depression anxiety and ptsd i wa not a functioning human being for at least a year i barely remember that time of my life other than the agony and feeling like a walking corpse i mourned the death of who i had been the last few year since then have been nothing but struggle too my house had already been falling apart but thing just kept worsening electrical line not working that meant no oven full size refrigerator or dish washer no air conditioning no heat no hot water a pool that is dilapidated and look like a swamp there are so many issue with the house and i can t afford to fix them those are just a few none of the paperwork wa filed by my ex either so although it s mine according to the decree it s still listed a legally his i pay a mortgage in his name i can t afford to change thing with a lawyer i make so little money i can t keep my head above water to even keep our basic need met and even though it cost too much my mortgage is still cheaper than the cheapest bedroom apartment anywhere near me i cant sell it because it in his name anyway my ex is no longer in our life i m trying to find a job that pay a decent wage but i have no college degree i need to make at least k to be able to make it and i ve applied at literally hundred of place with nothing but scam replying positively my relevant work experience is over year ago and my current job ha literally zero room to grow or increase income i hate my job my kid are mostly grown but still live at home my daughter is in college she took out loan and scholarship my oldest ha his own mental issue that prevent him getting a job my youngest is in high school i ve filed for forbearance and now am thousand behind on the house we are of the brink of losing everything if i can t pay it all back because the loan can t be modified since it in his name and i can t refinance without an up to date loan within the next few month we are facing possible homelessness in the last couple year i met a guy who i am close to although we are long distance i fell for him hard and he encouraged me in my feeling but ended up basically leading me on i got my heart broken again i hadn t thought i could care for someone again after all i had been through but being burned again especially from this man ha left me with ash instead of a heart yet i can t turn off how badly i just want to be loved and how much i care for him he s still in my life a a friend but it s painful my heart is just so far beyond simply broken i don t think i can ever recover after all i ve been through it seems like almost every day something else go wrong thing break at my house not small thing major one today it wa my daughter s laptop that she need for school and me losing my next to last pair of contact that i can t afford to buy more of just when it seems like thing might not improve but at least be okay something else happens that knock u down even further i m working job but we are bleeding money so badly i can t keep up and i am just so tired of trying to exist i hate my life the only reason i haven t killed myself is because of my kid i love them more than anything and i feel so awful for feeling this way when i know how much they love me and how i love them i m terrified of slipping back into self harm i cant cope i m in excruciating emotional pain and the stress is overwhelming i have panic attack i can t sleep i ve had to stop buying my medication because my daughter need it more my son could use mental help but i cant afford it i just need to vent to scream that i am not okay that i can t make it i m so tired so tired and i just want it all to stop i just want the nightmare of my life to end there is no more light to be found the light at the end of the tunnel really is a freight train in my experience i am broken lonely unhappy in complete despair and i feel worse than beat down i feel like roadkill like im crushed and lifeless and not even reconizable a something that wa once alive and yet still the tire come to grind me deeper into the pavement endlessly i feel worthless unlovable hopeless oddly enough i still volunteer at church but even though i still go and serve there i don t believe any of it anymore because my life ha been so bad for so long and it just keep getting worse and worse not for day or week or even month or year literal decade of trauma a lifetime of it and still it get worse i dont know how to keep going every day it s harder and harder i ll probably delete this because i already feel so exposed but i just needed to try to get it out i just want it to stop i just want it all to stop
Classification of TEXT into LABEL: is depression , is not depression
### TEXT:
my life is a total shitshow i had an abusive childhood physical mental and emotional abuse complete neglect and ignoring from my father and overbearing manipulation from my mother religious abuse because of the way i wa raised i wa sexually molested in high school i went from that life experience straight into unexpected motherhood and eventually a marriage that quickly became toxic but i loved him so much that i couldn t even acknowledge the abuse that wa happening more kid later i watch them living through their own childhood hell and i tried so hard to fix everything but it just kept getting worse being used worsening mental and emotional abuse trying to carry the demand and unhappiness of someone who refused to get help for their diagnosed mental issue and i began losing myself in my own anxiety and depression after year of escalating mistreatment and abuse my husband told me he wanted a divorce the following month were a nightmare i found out he wa cheating on me and went through more abuse during the process of separation i fell completely apart emotionally and began having multiple panic attack a day i couldnt eat or sleep i had heart attack brought on from the stress my husband wa still living in our house at the time but didnt even show concern or acknowledge that i almost died i wa back at work the following monday he took all the money and spent what little i made at time i couldn t even feed my kid my daughter wa buying food at school so she and her younger brother could eat i fought tooth and nail for my marriage trying so hard because even though he treated me like shit he wa my world and i loved him he had been my rock throughout my teen year helping me get through the abuse and trauma at home only to become the same type of father himself i tried to help him to help my kid and i loved them all with my entire being trying to be the glue that held u all together but i couldn t fight the inevitable my entire life wa torn apart he divorced me leaving me with our traumatized suffering kid and our broken down house to assuage his guilt i sought help because i wa self harming and suicidal i wa diagnosed with a slew of mental condition including depression anxiety and ptsd i wa not a functioning human being for at least a year i barely remember that time of my life other than the agony and feeling like a walking corpse i mourned the death of who i had been the last few year since then have been nothing but struggle too my house had already been falling apart but thing just kept worsening electrical line not working that meant no oven full size refrigerator or dish washer no air conditioning no heat no hot water a pool that is dilapidated and look like a swamp there are so many issue with the house and i can t afford to fix them those are just a few none of the paperwork wa filed by my ex either so although it s mine according to the decree it s still listed a legally his i pay a mortgage in his name i can t afford to change thing with a lawyer i make so little money i can t keep my head above water to even keep our basic need met and even though it cost too much my mortgage is still cheaper than the cheapest bedroom apartment anywhere near me i cant sell it because it in his name anyway my ex is no longer in our life i m trying to find a job that pay a decent wage but i have no college degree i need to make at least k to be able to make it and i ve applied at literally hundred of place with nothing but scam replying positively my relevant work experience is over year ago and my current job ha literally zero room to grow or increase income i hate my job my kid are mostly grown but still live at home my daughter is in college she took out loan and scholarship my oldest ha his own mental issue that prevent him getting a job my youngest is in high school i ve filed for forbearance and now am thousand behind on the house we are of the brink of losing everything if i can t pay it all back because the loan can t be modified since it in his name and i can t refinance without an up to date loan within the next few month we are facing possible homelessness in the last couple year i met a guy who i am close to although we are long distance i fell for him hard and he encouraged me in my feeling but ended up basically leading me on i got my heart broken again i hadn t thought i could care for someone again after all i had been through but being burned again especially from this man ha left me with ash instead of a heart yet i can t turn off how badly i just want to be loved and how much i care for him he s still in my life a a friend but it s painful my heart is just so far beyond simply broken i don t think i can ever recover after all i ve been through it seems like almost every day something else go wrong thing break at my house not small thing major one today it wa my daughter s laptop that she need for school and me losing my next to last pair of contact that i can t afford to buy more of just when it seems like thing might not improve but at least be okay something else happens that knock u down even further i m working job but we are bleeding money so badly i can t keep up and i am just so tired of trying to exist i hate my life the only reason i haven t killed myself is because of my kid i love them more than anything and i feel so awful for feeling this way when i know how much they love me and how i love them i m terrified of slipping back into self harm i cant cope i m in excruciating emotional pain and the stress is overwhelming i have panic attack i can t sleep i ve had to stop buying my medication because my daughter need it more my son could use mental help but i cant afford it i just need to vent to scream that i am not okay that i can t make it i m so tired so tired and i just want it all to stop i just want the nightmare of my life to end there is no more light to be found the light at the end of the tunnel really is a freight train in my experience i am broken lonely unhappy in complete despair and i feel worse than beat down i feel like roadkill like im crushed and lifeless and not even reconizable a something that wa once alive and yet still the tire come to grind me deeper into the pavement endlessly i feel worthless unlovable hopeless oddly enough i still volunteer at church but even though i still go and serve there i don t believe any of it anymore because my life ha been so bad for so long and it just keep getting worse and worse not for day or week or even month or year literal decade of trauma a lifetime of it and still it get worse i dont know how to keep going every day it s harder and harder i ll probably delete this because i already feel so exposed but i just needed to try to get it out i just want it to stop i just want it all to stop
### LABEL:
is depression