hey so i feel cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting and writing thing out is rlly calming and therapeutic this is my first post here but i ve lurked for a few year now and always read other people s story when im feeling down and alone which help sometimes background before getting into this i have gad and major depressive disorder and have been on ssri since 0 my dad side of the family all tend to have the same issue just on a way le of a scale i am awful at articulating my thought and it s insanely frustrating just a head up before getting into the incoherent vent post i m just gon na be listing a bunch of different thing that have been bothering me i am soon to be i am absolutely petrified of turning 0 and i have 0 accomplishment in life i still live with my parent i work a shitty job paying hr i have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job meeting new people getting into a relationship etc i sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play game watch twitch stream all of my friend are moving on and having kid and getting their own place and embracing adulthood with open arm i seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition i want to be a kid again i want the simpler time i hate responsibility and expectation i m immature and dumb and don t want to grow up i have a shitty jealous easily angered petty personality that i wa also blessed enough to obtain from my dad side of the family i have never met someone with a personality a petty and insecure a mine ex so i have this friend that applied for a government job that would be really good for her and she d be making good money this is obviously a great thing and i m happy for her but i would be lying if i said i wasn t kinda hoping she got turned down we both currently work shitty job and suffer the same money work struggle i think i just don t want to be left behind and feel like i m alone in my struggle i feel so shitty that i m even thinking this way i also have an ego that i rlly shouldn t have considering im an ugly short bald year old that peaked in highschool idk if it s undiagnosed narcissism or what but i know something is wrong because of this i am most of the time an awful friend i ve gotten better over the year because i gained some self awareness before though i would burn a lot of bridge i wa getting into argument with irl friend and internet friend weekly man i used to be such a bully to my little brother growing up too and i cringe every time i think about it im incredibly grateful every day that i wa able to gain self awareness and a want to change i have anxiety attack and sink into deep hole of depression when faced with the realization i have to work a 9 0 hour work week cuckjob for another 0 year i used to watch twitch stream a an escape but now i can t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that i ll never get to live the easy luxurious life that they do wake up whenever they want go to work whenever they want do w e they want for hour and then log off and go do fuck all they can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired all while making more in year than i will ever make in lifetime of busting my as i understand i m describing like the top of twitch streamer but still i have really awful self esteem and have had for a long a i could remember i used to hate getting picture taken a a kid and would constantly try to hide my face it became a running gag in my friend group that i would never take picture it wa to a point where i wa having anxiety attack just seeing picture of myself there are time when i start to feel better about my appearance but then ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that i m fuckin nosferatu i genuinely think i m incredibly below average and if it wasn t for the fact that i am addicted to working out i might just be the most undesirable man on the planet i would put myself in bottom 0th percentile in look i do think i have some degree of body dysmorphia and it s especially bad right now because im in a panic y state so i am probably overreacting a little about my appearance i ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it wa maintainable and didn t rlly stop me from doing most thing i wanted to do but there wa an incident in 0 that just made it skyrocket and it ha been progressively getting worse since quite frankly i think i am just doomed to suffer i genuinely do not see a happy ending future for me i am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn t deserve to have good friend i don t even want to have kid because idk for certain if i just won t day get tired of it all and shoot my shot if u will i wouldn t want to have kid growing up without their dad i also don t want to potentially pas down to them the shitty mental health gene that i have and have them go through everything i have mentally bc it suck and i would want a better life for them honestly there s so much more fucking shit that i could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough don t feel obligated to respond to this i ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it this is the th night in a row i ll be up till am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep oh yeah and reminder that this is all while still taking ssri s i do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them tl dr money work growing up age look self esteem personality social anxiety it s all freakin shit and make me depressed and anxious
Classification of TEXT into LABEL: is depression , is not depression
### TEXT:
hey so i feel cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting and writing thing out is rlly calming and therapeutic this is my first post here but i ve lurked for a few year now and always read other people s story when im feeling down and alone which help sometimes background before getting into this i have gad and major depressive disorder and have been on ssri since 0 my dad side of the family all tend to have the same issue just on a way le of a scale i am awful at articulating my thought and it s insanely frustrating just a head up before getting into the incoherent vent post i m just gon na be listing a bunch of different thing that have been bothering me i am soon to be i am absolutely petrified of turning 0 and i have 0 accomplishment in life i still live with my parent i work a shitty job paying hr i have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job meeting new people getting into a relationship etc i sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play game watch twitch stream all of my friend are moving on and having kid and getting their own place and embracing adulthood with open arm i seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition i want to be a kid again i want the simpler time i hate responsibility and expectation i m immature and dumb and don t want to grow up i have a shitty jealous easily angered petty personality that i wa also blessed enough to obtain from my dad side of the family i have never met someone with a personality a petty and insecure a mine ex so i have this friend that applied for a government job that would be really good for her and she d be making good money this is obviously a great thing and i m happy for her but i would be lying if i said i wasn t kinda hoping she got turned down we both currently work shitty job and suffer the same money work struggle i think i just don t want to be left behind and feel like i m alone in my struggle i feel so shitty that i m even thinking this way i also have an ego that i rlly shouldn t have considering im an ugly short bald year old that peaked in highschool idk if it s undiagnosed narcissism or what but i know something is wrong because of this i am most of the time an awful friend i ve gotten better over the year because i gained some self awareness before though i would burn a lot of bridge i wa getting into argument with irl friend and internet friend weekly man i used to be such a bully to my little brother growing up too and i cringe every time i think about it im incredibly grateful every day that i wa able to gain self awareness and a want to change i have anxiety attack and sink into deep hole of depression when faced with the realization i have to work a 9 0 hour work week cuckjob for another 0 year i used to watch twitch stream a an escape but now i can t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that i ll never get to live the easy luxurious life that they do wake up whenever they want go to work whenever they want do w e they want for hour and then log off and go do fuck all they can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired all while making more in year than i will ever make in lifetime of busting my as i understand i m describing like the top of twitch streamer but still i have really awful self esteem and have had for a long a i could remember i used to hate getting picture taken a a kid and would constantly try to hide my face it became a running gag in my friend group that i would never take picture it wa to a point where i wa having anxiety attack just seeing picture of myself there are time when i start to feel better about my appearance but then ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that i m fuckin nosferatu i genuinely think i m incredibly below average and if it wasn t for the fact that i am addicted to working out i might just be the most undesirable man on the planet i would put myself in bottom 0th percentile in look i do think i have some degree of body dysmorphia and it s especially bad right now because im in a panic y state so i am probably overreacting a little about my appearance i ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it wa maintainable and didn t rlly stop me from doing most thing i wanted to do but there wa an incident in 0 that just made it skyrocket and it ha been progressively getting worse since quite frankly i think i am just doomed to suffer i genuinely do not see a happy ending future for me i am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn t deserve to have good friend i don t even want to have kid because idk for certain if i just won t day get tired of it all and shoot my shot if u will i wouldn t want to have kid growing up without their dad i also don t want to potentially pas down to them the shitty mental health gene that i have and have them go through everything i have mentally bc it suck and i would want a better life for them honestly there s so much more fucking shit that i could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough don t feel obligated to respond to this i ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it this is the th night in a row i ll be up till am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep oh yeah and reminder that this is all while still taking ssri s i do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them tl dr money work growing up age look self esteem personality social anxiety it s all freakin shit and make me depressed and anxious
### LABEL:
is depression