In my first year of teaching, Derek was a student in my 11th-grade English class and seemed determined to undermine me. When he wasn’t sleeping, as soon as my back was turned, he would make a face, chat with other students, and generally push my buttons.
In addition to his challenging behavior, he was failing my class. Despite my attempts to connect with him, he would not engage with me. At some point, it felt like his ire was personal. Throughout the entire year, he pushed back. I never learned his story, but I know he had one.
My biggest mistake with Derek was getting into a power struggle. I was nitpicky and extra hard on him when he was not “compliant.” It’s easy to respond to difficult behavior with control, like upping the ante with forced compliance and stricter consequences. However, students who challenge us often carry the heaviest burdens.
Trauma, neglect, poverty, instability, and mental health struggles don’t disappear when a child walks into school. In fact, school may be the only predictable and safe place they have. When we remember that behavior is communication, we begin to shift our mindset: it’s not defiance, it’s distress. It’s not disrespect, it’s survival.
Real change happens when we interact with compassion and find ways to say, “You are loved, and you matter.” Using consistent, respectful actions helps us to avoid taking their behavior personally, even when it feels incredibly personal. The following are some strategies that can remind us that, perhaps, student misbehavior is a need to feel seen and valued. Our attention matters!
- Greet the student by name.
- Acknowledge their presence and their contributions.
- Comment on their strengths.
- Leave a note of praise that is sincere, specific, and truthful.
- Celebrate small wins, like:
- One full week without a referral.
- Asking for help instead of shutting down.
- Progress, not perfection, is the goal.
Loving tough students means showing up, again and again, even when they reject us. Some days we will get it right. Some days we won’t. But trust is built when students see you consistently showing up, no matter what. And when there is trust, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is change. The toughest students teach us patience, empathy, creativity, and resilience. In choosing to care for them, we become educators who value each and every student.
About the Author
Betsy Butler (she/her) is a Professional Learning Specialist at Teaching Channel. She holds a B.A. in English, a Master’s in Education, and has been teaching since 1992. Betsy uses her three decades of teaching experience to write and revise our courses while selecting the perfect accompanying texts. Her specialty areas include ELA, special education topics, behavior management, and mental health.
Fun Fact: Betsy’s daily conquest is solving the New York Times crossword puzzle!