<https://community.tulpa.info/topic/9033-socks-daydream-diary/page/22/#comment-158591>
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"Strength of Will   \nOver the past few days, I had a dissociative episode. Much like the other ones, I had something that would taunt me, practice things I went out of my way to reject, and generally be a nuisance. But there was a difference in this one, and that difference was myself.   \nPrior, when such a thing happened, I would break down. I would panic, become depressed, and at times break in to tears. Naturally this sort of thing was very distressing, and it would instill a sense of fear in me, about what would happen to my body as things went, what would happen with my work, what would happen with my girls, etc. Sometimes I thought it would never end, and would be not too far from despair.   \nThat didn't happen this time, though. I didn't become simply apathetic to it, either. I instead, drew a big smile on my face, and focused on my own peace. Not to say I could do this 24/7: the other would often twist my face in to a frown, or start injecting aggressive thoughts when I'd do so internally. But even in those instances, I still kept a positive, and hopeful attitude, excepting the times when I was distracted by something else.   \nWhen it came to the in-folk, I'd keep the same mind and heart, raising my countenance even more for them, with the idea in mind that the sun always shines, even when things on Earth aren't going so well. I'd keep my speech and behavior to them positive, and when the other would tear us apart, I wouldn't become discouraged, and instead would exhort my resident to keep a strong heart too, as I would be fine. I think that is a good way to sum up my attitude: \"I would be fine\". Instead of focusing on what was happening in the present, I would just keep my eye on my own smile, peace, and happiness as much as I could. I did this with a few ideas in mind:   \n- That the goal of this other was to simply make me miserable, and crush my spirit. So I would be happier as a way to fight back.   \n- That when the other eventually lost control, I would have the mind and mental power to be in a good mood and return to what I was doing before. This in contrast to other times when this would happen, when I would nearly breakdown and be consumed by great fear.   \n- That my own behavior with this would be an example to the residents. I didn't want them being brought down, even if it was for my sake. I wanted to show them the strength I was developing, not just my vulnerability.   \nWriting now, I feel the consequences of the said mindset above, and it is nice indeed. I feel fine, in a much better state of mind. I know part of me even hopes to have another episode, just to see if I can keep my strength, or train it further on such a great challenge as that. Of course, hoping for such a thing ignores the other things I must attend to in my life, my own residents being one of them. Still, the idea of mental strength, and the development of will is definitely there, and is growing. In the past, my will was far weaker, and I was more easily moved by unexpected things happening. But now, instead of hoping for such things not to happen, I'm hoping to train and keep my resolve even through these things. It's a notable shift in attitude.   \nEdit: Another things I've been working on is expectation, and how to lower it. After all, I've already seen how misapplied expectations can give rise to false responses, and sway your creation's responses and vibes one way or another. At this time, I'm applying the rather awkward and ingraceful method just beating the thought down when I feel an expectation, or a desire for my partner to do one thing or another, even if it is speaking. One thing that helps with this is the fact that I'm somewhat used to trying to clear out and empty my thought. It's still a skill I'm working on, but it does help with wrestling with expectations.   \nPeace. "
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