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"&lt;wm:embed type=\"related\"&gt;&lt;/wm:embed&gt;&lt;p&gt;A kick in the ass to Valentine&amp;apos;s Day and the very notion of a satisfying &lt;em&gt;Somewhere In Time&lt;/em&gt; kind of romantic wallow at the movies. What happens to Mark Helprin&amp;apos;s 1983 bestseller at the hands of Hollywood is a crying shame. In his feature directing debut, Oscar-winning screenwriter Akiva Goldsman (&lt;a href=\"http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/a-beautiful-mind-20011220\"&gt;&lt;em&gt;A Beautiful Mind&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt;), creates a beautiful mess, an embarrassment of epic proportions. On deck is a supernatural love story that spans a century and even death, Colin Farrell&amp;#x2014;sporting the epitome of a bad haircut stars as Peter Lake. He&amp;apos;s the son of immigrant parents who use a makeshift basket to send him ashore like an infant Moses at Ellis Island in 1895. By 1916, Peter is a thief, running from gangland boss Pearly Soames (a scowling Russell Crowe shouting in an indecipherable Irish brogue) with the help of a flying white horse. Hand to God, I&amp;apos;m not making this up. Pearly&amp;apos;s scarred face morphs into demon shape when he&amp;apos;s really pissed, which is often. His tantrums prompt a visit to the underground lair of Lucifer (Will Smith, following &lt;a href=\"http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/after-earth-20130530\"&gt;&lt;em&gt;After Earth&lt;/em&gt;&lt;/a&gt; with another howling fiasco). But Lucifer won&amp;apos;t interfere with Pearly&amp;apos;s hunt for Peter who has now fallen hard for Beverly Penn, the dying daughter of a publishing tycoon (William Hurt). Findlay, the late Lady Sybil of &lt;em&gt;Downton Abbey&lt;/em&gt; (let&amp;apos;s hope she didn&amp;apos;t leave that classic series for this!), has a breathtaking beauty that helps you suspend disbelief. But, sorry, not to this extent. Peter and Beverly&amp;apos;s night of sexual union &amp;#x2013; her first and last &amp;#x2013; ends with an ageless Peter being swept into present-day New York where fate has him intervene in the life of a journalist (Jennifer Connolly) and her dying daughter. And then Eva Marie Saint, 89, shows up playing a figure from the past. And a star twinkles in the sky (could it be Beverly?). We&amp;apos;re told in voiceover that everything is part of a grand pattern that we may one day understand. I&amp;apos;m calling bullshit. &lt;em&gt;Winter&amp;apos;s Tale&lt;/em&gt; is preposterous twaddle. Use it as a date movie only if you don&amp;apos;t love the one you&amp;apos;re with.&lt;/p&gt;"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/reviews/winters-tale-20140214>