<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"It seems everyone\u2019s on a detox for the new year, and don\u2019t we all need one? Our bodies are full of toxic chemicals. It would be great if we could just purify ourselves with a few smoothies, right?Tough luck. Detoxes are bullshit.It\u2019s easy to get drawn into the marketing of detoxes or cleanses (the two are basically interchangeable these days, both terms are used by those who shill them); they\u2019re everywhere, doesn\u2019t that make them scientific? Some of them claim to help you lose weight, some say they treat diseases, and some just \u2026 make you less toxic? Align your chi with your wallpaper? Organize your closet and tell your BFF that yes, her passive-aggressive Facebook status messages about her ex have been lame since about two minutes past the age of 15?\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\nBut they don\u2019t work. Why? The answers lie in science, and according to the way our bodies work, detoxes could actually cause you harm. Here\u2019s why you should suppress the urge to try out that next miracle cleanse. \n\nGreen Juice Will Not Purify YouWho doesn\u2019t want to think that a delightful mixture of kale, twigs, tree sap, unicorn tears, and whatever Gwyneth Paltrow is raving about this week can make you pretty? It\u2019s glitter in a bottle. Right? Wrong. For one, most green juices are just sugar water. Suja Juice\u2019s Green Supreme has 42 grams of sugar, no iron or B vitamins, and minimal protein. At $6.99 to $8.99 per bottle, you\u2019re getting \u2026. juice. Similarly, BlueprintCleanse, Juice From The Raw, and JUS by Julie are not magic keys to weight loss and well-being. All are cold-pressed, organic, and sell at astronomically high prices with vague promises of making you less gross. These juice cleanses generally claim to give you more energy, make your skin glow, and help you lose weight by ridding your system of heavy metals, pesticides, and other nefarious yet unnamed toxins \u2026 how exactly does apple juice or kale accomplish this, even if it is \"cold pressured\" or organic? Why couldn\u2019t you do this in (much cheaper and more nutritious) salad form? Could any of these websites point me to the mechanism of action or do they just do this via waving their magic wand of organic-iness?Let me point out: In order to be detoxed, you first have to be, well, \"toxed.\" And you\u2019re probably not. If you actually had a build-up of heavy metals or pesticides in your body, you\u2019d be crazy sick. There are specific symptoms to having both of these \"toxins\" inside of you. In fact, different metals and pesticides have specific symptoms, like muscle spasms and breathing difficulties. Bottom line? Breakouts and feeling a little rundown aren\u2019t symptoms of any of them, and you need REAL MEDICINE \u2014 dimercaprol chelation and atropine, respectively \u2014 for treatment. Not juice. And why else shouldn\u2019t you do a juice cleanse? Suja\u2019s three-day program drains you of $162, and that\u2019s pretty standard. For that much, I expect perkier boobs, fuller hair, and Republicans and Democrats to act like grown-ups. Instead, you\u2019re just getting juice. The only real thing these programs cleanse is the money right out of your wallet. Cleansing Your Butt Won\u2019t Work EitherSome people like to detox through their mouths. Others prefer to do it though their butts. But let me be abundantly clear: You do not need to shove a hose up your ass or otherwise shit your brains out to detox. Why? Your liver and kidneys do a great job of detoxing your body every day. What about \"colon cleanse\" pills that claim to enhance the health of your colon? For example, Jillian Michaels has her branding on one such product, which claims it will \"clear away harmful toxins,\" and \"support colon and digestive system.\" If you\u2019re an unsuspecting seeker of health, why wouldn\u2019t this make sense? There\u2019s obviously some sort of foul toxic nonsense waiting to be cleansed \u2026 there \u2026 right?No. If you think you need a pill because these organs are not functioning properly, you don\u2019t need to head to a spa or GNC. You need a physician. Symptoms of your digestive organs not working right include your skin turning yellow from jaundice or blood in your stool. Hint: These maladies are not treatable at a day spa or with an over-the-counter supplement (if they happen to you, see a doctor immediately). In fact, most supplements are pretty much bullshit. More ridiculously, colon hydrotherapy \u2014 aka a colon cleanse or a colonic \u2014 is a service offered at some spas, during which some 60 liters of water are piped into your bowels and the \"toxins\" are \"plumbed\" straight out of you. That sounds nice and cleansing, doesn\u2019t it? \n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\nNope. Removing toxins? You\u2019re just forcibly giving yourself diarrhea. There\u2019s no toxin or waste build-up the water is removing. This is just fecal matter that would have been expelled naturally (in time) by your body anyway, but with added potential complications \u2014 like intestinal parasites, bowel perforation, and heart failure. In fact, this article from The Journal of Family Practice reported the following adverse effects due to colon cleansing: Case reports also have noted back and pelvic abscesses after colonic hydrotherapy, fatal aeroportia (gas accumulation in the mesenteric veins) with air emboli, rectal perforations, perineal gangrene, acute water intoxication, coffee enema-associated colitis and septicemia, and deaths due to amebiasis.A few rules of advice: If it says on a supplement bottle \"these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA,\" what you\u2019re about to take is probably just as much of a line of shit as what it claims to pipe out of you. And when you\u2019re choosing a spa treatment, stick to a pedicure. \n\nMaster Your Alkalinity? Not So MuchSo you\u2019ve cleansed toxins out of your system with juice and plumbing, but perhaps that wasn\u2019t enough. It\u2019s time to specialize! Let\u2019s look at two very different cleanses, from the cleanse that started it all, the Master Cleanse, and the trendy new Alkaline Cleanse. They both promise to ... detox you. Somehow. The Master Cleanse alleges to \"purify the glands and cells\" and \"relieve pressure and irritation in the nerves.\" And of course, it will make you lose weight by revving your metabolism and detoxing you. Originally propositioned by a naturopath who thought that all disease was caused by toxic build-up that could be only be healed via detoxing, it\u2019s remained popular for decades. It\u2019s common to mix the vile concoction of lemon water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper at home, but it\u2019s become such a well-known cleanse that some brands offers a pre-bottled version of it (for $6.99, naturally). If the Master Cleanse is not enough to balance your body, the newest specialty cleanse that\u2019s making the rounds in celebrity circles is the Alkaline Cleanse, promising to fix all your health issues by eating \"alkaline-promoting foods.\" The foods for the diet include a lot of very-low-calorie green vegetables, herbal teas, and \"alkaline water.\" It claims to heal a variety of health ailments and, of course, detox you. Different versions of alkaline diets have shown up in recent years, but people latched onto this one after Dr. Robert O. Young of pH Miracle Living made claims that balancing your body\u2019s pH could heal a host of ailments, including cancer. However, there are some, ahem, issues with these cleanses. First of all, it\u2019s a misconception that the Master Cleanse can \"jumpstart your metabolism.\" Weight loss doesn\u2019t equal a higher metabolism. Though people may lose weight on these cleanses, it\u2019s because they\u2019re ultra-low calorie diets. And that dizzy, high-like feeling you might experience on the Master Cleanse \u2014 well, that\u2019s the feeling of starvation. One of the Master Cleanse how-to websites lists potential side effects, including dizziness, nausea, feeling cold, and passing gallstones. They allege that these are all from toxins leaving the body. Nope. These are all symptoms of severe calorie restriction, not \"detoxing,\" not even organic detoxing with lemon and cayenne pepper. As for the Alkaline Cleanse, it sounds so nebulous that it\u2019s easy to sell. Remember Dr. Robert O. Young, the pH Miracle guy that started this fad? First, don\u2019t listen to anybody who sells \"miracles.\" The guy got his degrees at a diploma mill and has been charged with fraud for his health claims, according to QuackWatch.org. He\u2019s claimed to have healed everything with his pH solution, but the only thing he\u2019s healed is an ailing bank account. So why doesn\u2019t alkalizing work? Because pH is exactly the opposite of a miracle. The pH scale is a measure of concentration of hydrogen ions, nothing more, nothing less. The low end of the scale is highly acidic, and the high end is basic (aka alkaline). One of the acceptable foods on the cleanse is a lemon, a food with about the same pH as hydrochloric acid. This is a trend with the foods on the list; a large quantity of them are acidic. If anybody could explain to me with some blood tests how a diet with this many acidic foods alkalizes your body, I\u2019d love to hear the explanation. But until then, they could try to find any science on how changing your pH would be healthy. Your body\u2019s pH is incredibly tightly controlled. Your blood\u2019s pH range is always around 7.35. You probably shouldn\u2019t screw with that because a diet guru suggested it. \"Alkalizing\" your body is simply not a thing.\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\nWhy do we buy into these things? Misconceptions seem to abound whenever you repeat a lie often enough in pop culture. And who hasn\u2019t heard one of their favorite celebrities promoting one of these? Beyonc\u00E9 allegedly did the Master Cleanse and she looks \u2026 masterfully cleansed, right? Kelly Ripa is doing the Alkaline Cleanse and she looks \u2026 alkaline, right? Oh dear. Holly Corbett at Prevention tried the Master Cleanse and reported \"killer cramps\" and \"cat breath.\" Moreover, every dietitian she spoke to said it was bad news. There\u2019s probably something to that, perhaps a little more than the advice from a celebrity\u2019s trainer.If you lose weight on these, it\u2019s not because it\u2019s mastering or alkalizing anything, it\u2019s because you\u2019re starving. Losing weight and not eating junk food might perk you up temporarily, but these cleanses are not balanced at all. Stop torturing yourself with a trendy diet with a lot of meaningless rules and have a damn salad.\n\nSo How Do You Detox?How are you supposed to stay healthy when your life has you running ragged? This seems to surprise people, but the old advice of a balanced diet, regular exercise, making sure your vaccinations are up to date, and not skipping your annual physical? It\u2019s still good advice.And please, don\u2019t spend $9 on juice. Because there\u2019s no fairy godmother, no magic wand, and you can\u2019t turn back last night\u2019s partying with kale after the clock strikes midnight. But you can cleanse your life of bullshit. Follow Yvette on Twitter."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/a51634/why-your-detox-is-bullsht/>