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"Well, Maybe Not All\n\nThe new issue of GQ has an excellent package entitled &amp;quot;All You Really Need to Know About Wine.&amp;quot; I have to say, it&amp;#39;s pretty good, and not entirely because I contributed an item called &amp;quot;Five Wine Tips That Will Change Your Life.&amp;quot;\n\nBy the way, I wouldn&amp;#39;t ignore these tips if I were you. This isn&amp;#39;t the kind of pseudo-caring crap you get from Dr. Phil. This is practical information that will immediately improve your social life.\n\nI&amp;#39;m so proud of those tips that I&amp;#39;ve come up with five more.\n\n1. A waiter&amp;#39;s corkscrew, resembling a folding knife, is the only kind of wine opener you need. Buy one with a foil-cutter that pops out of the handle. Novices will gaze at you in awe.\n\n2. When ordering wine by the glass in a restaurant, always ask when the bottle was opened. If it didn&amp;#39;t happen that day, keep asking until they come up with something that was. This greatly diminishes the risk of getting a wine that&amp;#39;s gone bad.\n\n3. Pay no attention to challenges from wine geeks. Particularly obnoxious questions include: (a) &amp;quot;Do you think this wine was fermented en barrique?&amp;quot;; (b) &amp;quot;Did the aftertaste linger as long for you as it did for me?&amp;quot;; (c) &amp;quot;Don&amp;#39;t you notice a hint of brett?&amp;quot;\n\n4. Learn to identify a corked wine\u2014it often has a musty, wet, locker-room-towel smell. Allowing your guests to drink a wine contaminated with TCA (2,4,6-trichloroanisole) is more embarrassing than walking around with your fly unzipped.\n\n5. Memorize a wine phrase that sounds intelligent. I continue to say, &amp;quot;Wasn&amp;#39;t there hail in the vineyards in &amp;#39;83?&amp;quot; (There was, but who cares anymore?) Everybody, not just novices, will gaze at you in awe.\n\nIt&amp;#39;s also a good idea, when you take your mother to dinner, to order a German Riesling Kabinett. Finally, you&amp;#39;ll have done something to make her proud of you."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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