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"Well, Maybe Not All\n\nThe new issue of GQ has an excellent package entitled \"All You Really Need to Know About Wine.\"  I have to say, it's pretty good, and not entirely because I contributed an item called \"Five Wine Tips That Will Change Your Life.\"\n\nBy the way, I wouldn't ignore these tips if I were you.  This isn't the kind of pseudo-caring crap you get from Dr. Phil.  This is practical information that will immediately improve your social life.\n\nI'm so proud of those tips that I've come up with five more.\n\n1. A waiter's corkscrew, resembling a folding knife, is the only kind of wine opener you need.  Buy one with a foil-cutter that pops out of the handle.  Novices will gaze at you in awe. \n\n2. When ordering wine by the glass in a restaurant, always ask when the bottle was opened.  If it didn't happen that day, keep asking until they come up with something that was.  This greatly diminishes the risk of getting a wine that's gone bad.\n\n3. Pay no attention to challenges from wine geeks.  Particularly obnoxious questions include: (a) \"Do you think this wine was fermented en barrique?\"; (b) \"Did the aftertaste linger as long for you as it did for me?\"; (c) \"Don't you notice a hint of brett?\"\n\n4. Learn to identify a corked wine\u2014it often has a musty, wet, locker-room-towel smell.  Allowing your guests to drink a wine contaminated with TCA (2,4,6-trichloroanisole) is more embarrassing than walking around with your fly unzipped.\n\n5. Memorize a wine phrase that sounds intelligent.  I continue to say, \"Wasn't there hail in the vineyards in '83?\"  (There was, but who cares anymore?)  Everybody, not just novices, will gaze at you in awe.\n\nIt's also a good idea, when you take your mother to dinner, to order a German Riesling Kabinett.  Finally, you'll have done something to make her proud of you...."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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