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" You can fall many times in life, but you&amp;#039;re never a failure as long as you try to get up.  Loving someone doesn&amp;#039;t mean that you can love her for six days and then beat the crap out of her on the seventh. Women are the root of all evil. I ought to know. I&amp;#039;m Evel. This country has become a nation of the government, by the government, and for the government. Our politicians are destroying us. We need a revolt! When you&amp;#039;re mad at someone, it&amp;#039;s probably best not to break his arm with a baseball bat.  Heaven is a place you can go and drink a lot of draft beer and it don&amp;#039;t make you fat. You can cheat on your wife and she don&amp;#039;t get mad. You get a beautiful female chauffeur with nice, hard tits -- real ones. There are motorcycle jumps you never miss. You don&amp;#039;t need a tee time.  Anybody can jump a motorcycle. The trouble begins when you try to land it.  The Internal Revenue Service is more ruthless than the Gestapo. Abolish the IRS! Stamp out organized crime! I don&amp;#039;t believe in hell. I don&amp;#039;t believe in gods or Jesus Christ or sacred cows. I don&amp;#039;t believe in that big, fat-assed Buddha. Show me one piece of Noah&amp;#039;s ark. Show me one piece of the tablets that Moses was supposed to have brought down from the mountain. People need a crutch. They need to make up stories. I don&amp;#039;t want to do that.  You can be famous for a lot of things. You can be a Nobel-prize winner. You can be the fattest guy in the world. You can be the guy with the smallest penis. Whatever it is, enjoy it. It don&amp;#039;t last forever.  One day you&amp;#039;re a hero, the next day you&amp;#039;re gone. People say they take responsibility for their own actions all the time, but that don&amp;#039;t mean they really do. I think that all of these so-called born-again Christians should ask their preachers why they don&amp;#039;t hand out organ-donor cards. If you donated a kidney or a heart or an eye or whatever to your fellow man to keep him alive, you couldn&amp;#039;t be closer to God than that. You can&amp;#039;t forbid children to do things that are available to them at every turn. God told Eve, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t give the apple to Adam,&amp;quot; and look what happened. It&amp;#039;s in our nature to want the things we see.  If God ever gives this world an enema, he&amp;#039;ll stick the tube in the Lincoln Tunnel and he&amp;#039;ll flush everybody in New York City clear across the Atlantic. And that would just be a start. We must tax the churches. Freedom of religion is bullshit when it&amp;#039;s tax-free. You are the master of your own ship, pal. There are lots of people who fall into troubled waters and don&amp;#039;t have the guts or the knowledge or the ability to make it to shore. They have nobody to blame but themselves. I&amp;#039;ve done everything in the world I&amp;#039;ve ever wanted to do except kill somebody. There are a couple of guys I know who need shooting. They represent the rectums of humanity.  If you don&amp;#039;t know about pain and trouble, you&amp;#039;re in sad shape. They make you appreciate life. Everything in moderation is okay, except Wild Turkey. If a guy hasn&amp;#039;t got any gamble in him, he isn&amp;#039;t worth a crap. Originally published in the July 1999 issue "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/interviews/a977/learned-evel-0799/>