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"   Question I used to be a real career woman. I loved my life.  But one thing was missing, which was that I desperately wanted children. I\u2019d never had a lasting relationship, and at 37 I was running out of time. So, I married a nice bachelor who was nine years older than me.  He too really wanted kids \u2013 and we quickly had a son and daughter who are now aged nine and seven. My husband is in the Merchant Navy, so he\u2019s away a lot.  For that reason, I\u2019ve stayed at home as a full-time housewife and mother since our marriage. We like each other, but there\u2019s no passion. In fact, we haven\u2019t had sex for four years and this doesn\u2019t seem to bother him at all.  In fact, he admitted to me recently that sex has never been important to him. I\u2019m different and I long for an exciting sex life.  I have my wonderful children, but nothing else about my life feels right or happy.  What should I do?    Christine replies... I\u2019m so sorry about the turmoil you\u2019re going through.  It\u2019s really distressing for you, but sadly yours is not an uncommon scenario. You were desperate to have children, and time was running out, so you did what so many other women do in similar circumstances \u2013 you settled for &amp;#039;Mr Good Enough&amp;#039;.  And the fact that he also wanted to settle down and have children probably felt like a good omen. Now, ten years later, you are frustrated, fed up and trapped.  Unfortunately, only you can really make a decision about your future. But perhaps if I run over some options with you, you\u2019ll feel better equipped to move forwards in some way. The obvious priority here must be your children.  You and your husband married because you both wanted a family. You have that family. And your son and daughter deserve love and security from both parents.  I don\u2019t want to preach at you, but the fact is that it\u2019s not your children\u2019s fault that their mum and dad don\u2019t love each other more, or have more excitement.  So, clearly any decision must be made with them in mind. One thing about your story leaps out at me: you used to have a career and now you\u2019re a stay-at-home mum.  Is it possible that you could start work again? Perhaps part-time? That might help you feel happier and more fulfilled. Many people who feel trapped in a marriage do manage to hang on in there till their children leave home \u2013 and one of the ways they do it is to plan their future.  They get a qualification or two and maybe plan a new career.  They establish their own bank account and start thinking about how they will finance themselves in the event of divorce. They build up a good network of friends so that what they lack in companionship within the marriage they can compensate for with good and interesting pals.  You say you\u2019re sex-starved, but plenty of women \u2013 and men \u2013 in your situation find an outlet for their frustrations in masturbation.  This does not have to be furtive or quick. Indeed, you can build an exciting love menu for one \u2013 perhaps including the use or erotica and sex toys.  Your husband clearly doesn\u2019t want to have an active sex life with you, and you and he seem to have discussed that. But have you tried talking to him about the relationship as a whole? You say you are friends, so could you try having a calm conversation about your marriage and its future? Does he know how unhappy you are?  If not, perhaps you could tell him \u2013 and see if the two of you can come up with some strategies for improving things.  You may be surprised by what you find out about each other. Is he, perhaps, just as unhappy as you? Is it possible that he stayed unmarried till well into his 40s because he preferred his own company to being in a family. Or because he had no need of sex? Or even because perhaps he is secretly gay?  Talking together might help you both to understand each other\u2019s point of view. You may even decide to get some relationship therapy with Relate.  Or perhaps you might come to a joint decision to stay together for the children till they leave home, but operate some sort of \u2018open\u2019 marriage where you could discreetly have sex elsewhere.  Of course some people in your situation refuse to discuss it with their married partner, and \u2018solve\u2019 things by taking a clandestine lover. And it could be that you\u2019ve been thinking along those lines.  But personally, I think that this is the least good option. Affairs tend to get out of hand. They also often get found out \u2013 and the result is much bitterness, a sense of betrayal, children distressed and so on.  In around 12 years, your son and daughter will be establishing their own independent lives. At that point you will still be young enough to start again. Believe me, there are loads of women in their 50s, 60s and 70s having brilliant new love-lives and enjoying every moment of them.  So \u2013 can you stay till then? Or will you go mad if you do? This is a tough decision to make but I wish you well whatever you decide.  Most of all, I hope that whatever you do, you and your husband will continue to love and jointly parent the children you were both so desperate to have.    Other dilemmas: Why am I always getting dumped?: I feel I am the one who messes everything up. My dad is having an affair: my father was holding another woman\u2019s hand and kissing her. My husband loves S&amp;amp;amp;M: I just cannot get aroused by slapping him on the bottom or by being tied up. My wife has been having an affair: how can I persuade her to stay? Should we have an open marriage?: part of me longs for a bit of excitement but I feel anxious too. Can a mother ever leave her child?: can a mother ever leave her child? And would everyone condemn me?  I have a very jealous nature: am I sick? I know that if I don\u2019t change he\u2019ll get fed up with my insecurities.  Last updated 05.08.2012 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/sexual-health/a2336/i-feel-so-trapped/>