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" Last week&amp;#039;s release of Grey - a retelling of 50 Shades of Grey from the perspective of Christian Grey - saw the internet taken over by piss-taking, but to partake in the making fun without actually having read the book felt wrong. So, sick in bed for two days, I downloaded Grey and got stuck in. And was immediately struck by a few questions:  1. Seriously, why is Christian Grey such a massive grump? See him getting pissed off at ALL PEOPLE for daring to speak to him, and describing his mood as &amp;quot;as dull and flat as the weather.&amp;quot; 2. Do men&amp;#039;s penises actually act as their little sidekicks, twitching in agreement and greeting passersby? Is this a thing? 3. How can anyone possibly find this cock-obsessed, angry, needy man with massive stalker tendencies attractive? And then, because I read this book as a person who has also just gone through a break-up, briefly looked into the cesspit of horror that is the world of dating, and is slowly accepting the preferable reality of dying alone with some cats, these thoughts led to an even more pressing question: how would men react to a woman as sexually aggressive and genitally obsessed as Christian Grey? Would it be terrifying? A turn-on? A mix of both? Is this the dating tool I&amp;#039;ve been missing out on my whole life? I decided to turn to Tinder to find out.   Here were the rules I established for my experiment: 1. I would message men on Tinder using ONLY quotes from Grey. No explanation, no greetings, just all Grey, all the time.  2. I would be allowed to change pronouns from &amp;#039;her&amp;#039; to &amp;#039;you&amp;#039;, so that I could address my Tinder dudes as thought they were my very own delicate Anastasia Steeles.  3. If I fancied, I could change references to my &amp;#039;cock&amp;#039; to &amp;#039;vagina&amp;#039;, or, as my own mother horrifyingly suggested, &amp;#039;vulva&amp;#039;, to make the conversation more anatomically accurate. Sometimes I kept in the cock references. For the lols.  Here&amp;#039;s how men responded. It was a bit of a mixed bag.  They did not enjoy me mentioning my cock.   This man didn&amp;#039;t mind me being fairly rude, or a bit grouchy. But the second my cock concurred, he was out of there, with only a nonplussed &amp;#039;cool&amp;#039; before he unmatched. Ouch.  This man was also a little uncertain.  Fair enough.  But they didn&amp;#039;t mind my sombre mood.  I found this weird, because if a guy messaged me about his constant state of misery, I would most likely end the conversation there. Lovely Tinder men were all about cheering me up.  A rare few went with the flow.  After giving me one of the greatest compliments of ALL TIME (with a very confident &amp;#039;slept with you yet&amp;#039; thrown in), this chap was a total pro at handling a groin reference. What a boss. Being cocky and massively self-loving didn&amp;#039;t put him off, either, ending with an offer to make like Christian and Ana and get to the sexing.  Being open and honest about my masturbation was met with classic British reserve.  NO. BECAUSE I&amp;#039;M CHRISTIAN GREY AND I JERK OFF WHENEVER I WANT. Groin references didn&amp;#039;t go down well.  &amp;#039;Ok&amp;#039;. Unmatched again.  This dude was either very up for it, or viewed my sultry pick-up lines as one big joke.  I didn&amp;#039;t respond, because I was a little terrified. Also, I don&amp;#039;t think Christian Grey would go for someone so forward. I like my men like I like my tea. Weak and drowning in milk.  Another not-so-great groin reference.  As Marilyn Monroe once said &amp;#039;if you can&amp;#039;t handle me talking about my groin, you sure as hell don&amp;#039;t deserve a contract controlling your every move with the promise of excellent sex&amp;#039;.  Abort mission, abort.   I felt bad about this one, because he actually seemed like a nice guy. And then I scared him off by swinging around my magical S&amp;amp;amp;M powered cock. He swiftly unmatched/blocked me. I had made a mistake. My cock concurred, and hung his head in shame.  But then, everything changed.   Eager to please, an expert at twitching vaginas (and, therefore, probably good at dealing with Christian&amp;#039;s infamous twitchy palm), and not even swayed by a really uncomfortable comment about being 14. If this guy isn&amp;#039;t careful, I&amp;#039;ll be buying him a whole new wardrobe and preventing him from hanging out with his friends. The dream.  And one man was just bemused by me Greying it up, rather than horrified.   Christian would approve of the heavy emoji use. Even if this man is desperately warding off my musically inspired vagina with the assurance that he has standards, damn it.  Followed by the huge sting of rejection.  It&amp;#039;s almost like you don&amp;#039;t want to have sex with me on top of a musical instrument. You&amp;#039;d rather get to know me? Like a normal person with emotional needs? Gross.  Men are shockingly up for huge levels of rudeness.  I just called you dull and unoriginal. You don&amp;#039;t need to apologise. I actually found this pretty interesting, because again, I would have immediately unmatched if someone was so condescending. But the majority of the guys I matched with didn&amp;#039;t seem too concerned. Maybe they secretly like the abrasive, &amp;#039;why is everyone so irritating&amp;#039; thing? Should I be more of a bitch? But my Ana-fied compliments didn&amp;#039;t go down well.  From everything, Tinderman. I have met you once, imagined your skin pinked from a riding crop, and now you are my life. How are you not getting this? It&amp;#039;s *sexy*. One man was very, very angry.  Vagina mentions and discussions of our &amp;#039;freakiness&amp;#039;? All fine. Telling this dude that I plan to make him come like a freight train? UNACCEPTABLE. I now wonder if it was the vehicular reference that got him so riled up. Next experiment: which mode of transport is the best comparison to make to get guys feeling randy? Would you prefer if I confidently said I&amp;#039;d make you come like a safe and secure Honda? A wild and bumpy rickshaw?  And behold, the one man who picked up on what I was up to. And was into it.   AKA apparently the only man on Tinder with access to the internet.  So, here&amp;#039;s what we learned: Men are willing to put up with a lot of shit in the hopes of getting laid, and the word &amp;#039;groin&amp;#039; isn&amp;#039;t sexy.  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/a36810/what-happens-message-tinder-men-grey-quotes/>