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"Welcome to New Zealand, girls&amp;#8212;a place only Andi believes is officially called &amp;quot;the land of volcanoes!&amp;quot;\nI&amp;#39;ve been watching a lot of the Olympics over the past couple days, and it occurred to me last night that this season of The Bachelor isn&amp;#39;t that different from the Games. This crop of ladies is laser-focused on winning. There&amp;#39;s very little of the shenanigans seen on other seasons&amp;#8212;I haven&amp;#39;t witnessed so much as a wine-induced hiccup in weeks. And they&amp;#39;re all driving hard toward the same thing: a clunky, (mostly) inanimate prize that they win in a foreign country, then have to make room for in their apartment. This week&amp;#39;s episode narrowed the field to the serious competitors&amp;#8212;but not before all the following went down.\nWord of the night: &amp;quot;Nervous&amp;quot;\nPinterestFacebookEverybody was nervous about everything in New Zealand. Nervous about water temperature. Nervous about roses. Nervous about whether they&amp;#39;d get ample time to tell Juan Pablo how nervous they were. Spoiler alert: They all did.\nLeast adept at hiding hatred: Claire\nPinterestFacebookClaire (seen here after announcing that Andi got the first one-on-one) is this close to morphing into Dennis Quaid&amp;#39;s evil girlfriend in The Parent Trap, Lindsay Lohan edition. She has some of the iciest smiles in the game right now.\nBest new trend (and I&amp;#39;m being genuine here): One-pieces\nPinterestFacebookI didn&amp;#39;t even know you were allowed to bring one-piece bathing suits on The Bachelor. I thought Chris Harrison inspected everybody&amp;#39;s swimwear at the start of the season, tossing any full-coverage two-pieces or, God forbid, tankinis aside with a bellowing, &amp;quot;NOT IN MY HOUSE!&amp;quot; But both Andi and Sharleen rocked cute solid suits last night, and it was a refreshing, trailblazing change of pace.\nThe &amp;quot;What, no metaphor?&amp;quot; Award: This date\nPinterestFacebookWhat, guys, no Bachelor love metaphor for people hurtling down a steep incline, naked and totally out of control? Eh, maybe it&amp;#39;s its own metaphor.\nBest vintage-Spears rap sesh: Claire and Juan Pablo\nPinterestFacebookTalking about your feelings is just that much more satisfying when you don outfits and choose a venue straight out of Britney&amp;#39;s &amp;quot;Sometimes&amp;quot; video.\nWorst response to a compliment: Claire\nPinterestFacebookJuan Pablo tells Claire, &amp;quot;I like listening to you&amp;quot;&amp;#8212;a statement which, let&amp;#39;s face it, should be taken with a grain of salt based on his limited vocab. But Claire has no time for said grain of salt. She&amp;#39;s too busy launching into an analysis of her feelings on formal dinners vs. casual ones, because she likes listening to her too!\nBest at just going along with it: Sharleen\nPinterestFacebookSharleen asks Juan Pablo how he&amp;#39;s feeling, and he says &amp;quot;I think I&amp;#39;m feeling great.&amp;quot; Sharleen follows up by asking how he thinks she&amp;#39;s feeling, and he says, &amp;quot;I think you&amp;#39;re feeling great.&amp;quot; She&amp;#39;s like...whoa, that&amp;#39;s pretty on. At which point I ruled we&amp;#39;re in a movie where, like, two boys stacked vertically in a man&amp;#39;s trench coat take a hot babe on a date, and they know only three phrases to say, but somehow it keeps working out.\nCrappiest birthday: Cassandra\nPinterestFacebookPoor Cassandra suffered the misdirect of &amp;quot;you know you&amp;#39;re one of my special ones, right?&amp;quot; before being shown the Hobbit-land door. I&amp;#39;m OK with this. She has her whole life in front of her. I bet the producers thought they were soooo smart, though, when they showed her chyron one last time with her new age: 22. Ten bucks says they tried to get a few tearful bars of Taylor Swift out of her in the car, but she wasn&amp;#39;t up for &amp;quot;Everything will be all right if, we just keep dancing like we&amp;#39;re...&amp;quot;\nBest sad cat: This guy\nPinterestFacebookHonestly, this random cat just couldn&amp;#39;t get behind JP sending Cassandra home.\nWeirdest setup: Kat and Chelsie\nPinterestFacebookThe Bachelor is not exactly a bastion of clear-eyed humility; I kinda doubt Kat and Chelsie were both like, He likes Nikki and Renee more than us. It&amp;#39;s down to us! It&amp;#39;s far more probable that producers clued them into their bottom-of-the-barrel status, knowing we&amp;#39;d figure it out as the audience, and forced them to discuss it on this tiny bench.\nMost annoying exchange: Juan Pablo and Nikki\nPinterestFacebookLook, I get that sometimes the language barriers make for cute moments. But this brainless Dr. Seuss routine&amp;#8212;&amp;quot;How much is a little? How much is a lot? What is very, and what is not?&amp;quot;&amp;#8212;made me want to set fire to my television.\nThe Move I&amp;#39;ve Had Enough of Award: Juan Pablo touching everyone&amp;#39;s hair all the time, in lieu of learning English\nPinterestFacebookGalavis: Sit on your hands, sleep with a wig at night, do what you have to do. Just STOP THIS. You have worn this move into the ground. You&amp;#39;re getting everyone&amp;#39;s hair all greasy, and we brought only so much dry shampoo on this trip.\nMost unexpected affection: Sharleen&amp;#39;s feelings toward Kat\nPinterestFacebookIf I had to guess, I would have assumed that Sharleen regarded Kat as dirt. I can just picture her murmuring a scathing take on Kat&amp;#39;s shimmery eyeshadow to her opera friends back home (all of them in backless gowns, obviously). But no! They forged a beautiful, odd-couple friendship. In that movie where Juan Pablo keeps tricking Sharleen, Kat can play her zany roommate. She&amp;#39;d mostly stay in the apartment break-dancing and accidentally shattering Sharleen&amp;#39;s many vintage vases&amp;#8212;but at the end of the day, they just get each other, you know?\nTurns out that the sad cat was a harbinger of Sad Kats to come. We say goodbye to her and to poor, sweet Cassandra. I am rooting for Renee wholeheartedly, on this show and also just in life. What did you think of last night&amp;#39;s ep?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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