<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" With the final presidential debate behind us, and the subsequent parking lot brawls settled and blood wiped clean from the street, the only thing left for America to do is wait. Oh, and vote. Right. But for the next eighteen days, wait. Truth be told, the momentum of the presidential election is too big now to shift direction in a mere two weeks. Unless one of the candidates becomes involved in a high-speed chase or suffers an age-appropriate unexpected medical mishap, the die has been cast. Like the Titanic trying to make a sharp right, that iceberg is unavoidable. But there are a number of local elections going on as well -- ones that rely on cagey perseverance and the voters&amp;#039; ability to remember a name when it comes time to pull the big, red lever. For them, it&amp;#039;s all about drumming up business. And as anyone who owns a used-car dealership will tell you, the best way to do that is through batshit crazy advertising. Jim Slattery on Gas      If you&amp;#039;re the kind of person who comes home from a hard day&amp;#039;s work and looks forward to a nice relaxing golden shower, then this ad isn&amp;#039;t for you. But if you&amp;#039;re like a high-priced D.C. call girl and you&amp;#039;re tired of politicians pissing on you, then John Slattery is here to help. Sam Graves on Values      Abortions on demand? They make it sound like you can order them for take out. When I think of San Francisco I think of rice pilaf, Barry Bonds, and Full House. Not abortions on demand. Cheese Graters on Asses Apparently Amendment 42 was Colorado&amp;#039;s attempt at raising minimum wage to $6.85 per hour. And not only that, but it would be adjusted annually for inflation! Some people likened this new law to the injustice of wiping your ass with a cheese grater. Paul R. Nelson on Sex      I&amp;#039;m just putting this out there, but Ron Kind is kind of really fucking awesome. Vietnamese prostitutes? Probes on genitalia? Bisexual, transgender, TWO-SPIRITED Aleutian Eskimos? I mean, he won&amp;#039;t even waste time on the single-spirited Eskimos. That&amp;#039;s a man who knows how to get shit done. Don Zimmerman on Taxes      Hey, Texas -- not to incite panic or anything, but you&amp;#039;re going to have to harvest your organs if you want to survive. And while you&amp;#039;re at it, you&amp;#039;d better start stockpiling guns. They&amp;#039;re the currency of the future, after all. Just make sure when you&amp;#039;re selling off organs, you hire a dog or something to guard your guns while you recover. That&amp;#039;s important. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/videos/a5258/five-insane-local-political-ads-video/>