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"FacebookPinterest\n\nHey, Br\u00FCno, I recently started collecting unemployment. Any style tips for someone on a tight budget\n\n Times are hard, but if you shop around und are prepared to vear some things twice before throwing zem avay, it is\n\n still possible to look good on a clothing budget of about $20,000 a veek. Ich mean, obwiously you vill need a bit more zan zat if you are planning on leaving ze house.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, is it okay to &amp;quot;manscape&amp;quot; down there \n\n It&amp;#39;s more zan okay; it is most essential. Be careful if you do it yourself, though\u2014yesterday ich tried to selfwax mein arschenhaller und glued meinself to ze bed. Manscaping ist important, but not as crucial as getting regular anal bleaching. If Br\u00FCno didn&amp;#39;t get his schmutziger arschenhaller bleached twice a month, his shtinker vould resemble Dizzy Gillespie during a trumpet solo. In Austria anal bleaching ist considered so important zat it&amp;#39;s paid for by ze state. In fact, you cannot run for office if you don&amp;#39;t have a vhite arschwitz. Indeed, exchancellor Kurt Waldheim vas elected on ze back of a prishtine anus. Zere are added benefits to getting ze bleaching\u2014on my last session, mein beautician, Klaus, found ze longlost head of a David Beckham action figure up zere.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, where should I be putting my iPhone The wife says the belt clip is totally out, But it looks like a tuna sandwich in my pocket. Anyplace else\n\n Vhat ein stupid question. Keep it in your assistant&amp;#39;s pocket, obwiously.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, I am all in favor of protecting the animals, but what is reasonable I won&amp;#39;t wear fur, but do I need to give up my leather jackets or shoes\n\n Ich vant to make it clear: Br\u00FCno ist totally against vearing fur\u2014it&amp;#39;s too expensive und highmaintenance. I mean, vhy don&amp;#39;t giant pandas have a label on zem saying zey&amp;#39;re not machine vashable Regarding shoes und jackets, if you vant to be ein Leatherboy, zat&amp;#39;s fine.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, if forced to choose: Dolce or Gabbana\n\n Gabbana. Dolce is bald, so zere&amp;#39;s no hair to grab hold of.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, can men wear heels When and why \n\n Of course. Some guys look great in heels\u2014ze singer Pink, for example. Alzo, mein last boyfreund, Diesel, vas a genuine Pygmy only three eight, so ich made him vear heels so he could give me plow jops mitout me having to bend mein knees.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, I am shocked by the cost of jeans these days. I saw one pair that retailed for $700\u2014how is that possible\n\n Zat&amp;#39;s ze great thing abaus ze recession\u2014stores are cutting zeir prices.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, how can I get some &amp;quot;Efron hair&amp;quot; Or at least some &amp;quot;Pattinson hair&amp;quot;\n\n Ich vouldn&amp;#39;t bother getting a Zac Efron hairstyle right now, cos ich am about to change mine and he&amp;#39;s certain to copy me again. In terms of grooming, ze only thing he hasn&amp;#39;t copied me with ist getting his ballensack pierced\u2014vell, he hadn&amp;#39;t had it done ze last time ich saw him.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, how would you define &amp;quot;Obama style&amp;quot;\n\n Firstly, ich vant to say zat I find Obama an inspiration\u2014it gives me great hope zat, after years of struggle, someone can at last get to ze White House, despite being incredibly hot. On ze other hand, it&amp;#39;s slightly disappointing that he needed zat beard, Michelle, to help him\u2014but vone shtep at a time. In terms of his style, he perfectly bridges Serious und Sexy...Oval Office und Oval Orifice.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, my wedding is approaching and I am desperate to impress my bride. What is appropriate groom&amp;#39;s attire for a Labor Day nuptial\n\n If Bruno vas about to be married to a voman, I&amp;#39;d be vearing a noose.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, when I walk into a fancy designerclothing store, the sales clerks are brusque and intimidate me. Is there anything I can do to be treated better\n\n You sound like ein &amp;quot;normie&amp;quot; to me\u2014I&amp;#39;m glad zat highend stores are trying to keep ze likes of you avay. Vhen I go to a store, ze first thing I look for ist ein vheelchair ramp\u2014if zey&amp;#39;ve got one, I won&amp;#39;t go in. Ich find zose mongoloidische guys such a downer.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, lately I&amp;#39;ve been digging this French guy Sarkozy&amp;#39;s look; who&amp;#39;s on your list of the bestdressed world leaders of all time\n\n Zere is one thing wrong mit ze way Sarkozy looks\u2014it&amp;#39;s zat accessory beard called Bruni who follows him around everyvhere he goes. She&amp;#39;s about three feet taller zan him! It looks like he&amp;#39;s dating a postop trannie! He either needs to start vearing platform shoes or push her round in a vheelchair or send her back to ze agency. Vhile I&amp;#39;m on ze subject of badly dressed leaders, please someone lock Nelson Mandela up again so ve don&amp;#39;t have to keep looking at zose hideous flowery shirts!\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, who are the other bestdressed world leaders of all time\n\n JFK. Obama. Castro. Timberlake.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, what do you sleep in\n\n In reality, ich sleep in a seaweed body wrap under a Zac Posen NavyCut Nightshirt. In mein dreams, ich sleep naked in a giant reed basket drifting slowly down ze Nile, cradled in ze arms of Daniel Radcliffe.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, what&amp;#39;s your feeling on getting your teeth professionally whitened\n\n If people vant to pay for it\u2014zat&amp;#39;s up to zem. Personally, ich have never had to pay for it, und ich prefer it on ze chest to ze mouth, anyvay.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, what is your definition of &amp;quot;creative black tie&amp;quot;\n\n Okay, off ze top of mein head\u2014a yellow Adrienne Landau printed chinchilla rex rabbit newsboy hat, worn mit ein Cynthia Steffe blueviolet velvet cadet jacket over a Cavalli backbelted chunky oatmeal sweater vest on top of a Cacharel gala shirt in silver, matched mit John Varvatos stretchtwillbrocade sailor pants over Stella McCartney patent snakeskin monk shoes offset by Costume National elbowlength leather gloves, und to accessorize, maybe a rudrakshabead twentytwokarat whitegold Neil Lane Infinity Pendant. Simple. Timeless. Classic.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, my nostril hairs are constantly poking out of my nose, and I&amp;#39;m always having to trim them back with tiny scissors. I&amp;#39;m afraid if I stop trimming them, they&amp;#39;ll continue growing until they&amp;#39;re ridiculously noticeable and flagellating out of my nose. Should I continue to trim, or is there a better solution\n\n Br\u00FCno was the first Austrian ever to have chemo purely for ze purpose of hair removal. It really is ze perfect solution for unvanted vhiskers\u2014und not only zat, ze weightloss benefits due to ze womiting it causes are amazing! If you&amp;#39;re struggling to find a doc who&amp;#39;ll give you ein prescription for zis, call min\u2014you can find him in ze Vienna Yellow Pages, his name&amp;#39;s Oskar Mengele. He does other services, too\u2014he just gave mein godson Florian lipo for his sixth birthday!\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, my wife and I have planned a Mediterranean vacation. I have never been there before, and I&amp;#39;m unsure about proper beach attire. Your advice\n\n Nine years ago, ich vas on holiday in French Polynesia, collecting shells on ze beach at sunset in a buckskin thong, vhen I caught ze eye of zat beautiful Pygmy Diesel, who vas vorking at ze Schrager spatel ich vas staying at as an oil boy. Within zwanzig minutes, he&amp;#39;d stolen mein heart, mein vallet, und alzo ze contents of mein kugelsack.\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, I&amp;#39;m a big believer in a &amp;quot;uniform&amp;quot;\u2014wear the same clothes day in, day out. If you had such a uniform, what would it be \n\n Sadly, the glory days of ze Austrian uniform vere sixtyfive years ago. Zis season&amp;#39;s vardrobe essential, thanks to Madonna und me, is ze &amp;quot;Little Black Child.&amp;quot;\n\nDear Br\u00FCno, the United States military is constantly trying to update its battle gear in the field. Are there ways you would modify the current uniform\n\n In mein country it&amp;#39;s verboten for ze soldiers to shtup each other\u2014as ein result, to keep ze cravings at bay, over 80 percent of ze Austrian army vear Dickorette patches as part of zeir uniform. Army uniforms have to change; camo zese days ist ein total nicht nicht. I mean come on, it hasn&amp;#39;t been on ze runvays for over fourteen seasons now! For springsummer 2010, ich vould put ze U.S. Army in bright pastels und slogan Tshirts, stuff like &amp;quot;Soldier Boy&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;Shoot Me from Behind.&amp;quot;"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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