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"I've never had sober sex and feel awkward when an opportunity for sober sex presents itself. I've done the post-drunk-night morning sex where you're half sober but dying of a hangover, but I've heard it's not really comparable. I'm afraid I'll be horrible in bed sober. How do I gain the drunk-sex confidence sober?I understand you feel the alcohol might help you get over your anxieties and lower your inhibitions, but the booze doesn't really change anything. It's just a crutch. It might seem like it, but it's not helping you to have better sex. In fact, it's probably hurting you.\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\nLet's be real: Messy, drunken, impulsive sex is fun every once in a while, but guys don't think it's hot if a woman can only have sex when she's drunk. It's usually just not sexy. And if you're afraid you'll be worse in bed when you're sober, please understand this: Drunk lovers are never the best lovers. If you're too drunk to drive, you're probably not too coordinated in bed. If you're too drunk to think clearly, you're probably not really present. I don't know how long this has been going on, but it just might be something to keep an eye on.\n\nIf you do find yourself reaching for the booze every time you feel anxious or insecure, in bed or out, that's an unhealthy coping mechanism, and it's one that will only get less helpful and more dangerous the more you rely on it. Drinking every time you get naked isn't a sustainable sexual identity \u2014 and I'm glad that you recognize that. You don't want to be making all your important sexual decisions while inebriated. It can also be unsafe: If you're too buzzed, you might forget that condom \u2014 or be more susceptible to someone who tries to convince you to have sex without one, just this one time.You say you're afraid you'll \"be horrible in bed sober.\" I do get it: Sex, especially the first time with someone new, is bound to be a little awkward, and sex is never, ever perfect \u2014 in fact, the word \"perfect\" really has no place when we're talking about something that's different every time. When in doubt, follow what feels good to you. Guys are not complicated anyway. They're usually pretty damn ecstatic when a woman decides to get naked with them. And, yes, it's cheesy to say, but the best kind of sex is generally genuine, connected, and in sync: Sex is a chance to get to know each other, to pay attention to someone and learn what he or she likes and how he or she can give you what you crave. It's a chance to feel close, intimate, fantastic, and well, something more than just drunk.There are healthier ways to deal with your insecurities and anxieties \u2014 and if this continues to be a struggle, you might want to start down that path by speaking to a counselor. Something's got to change.My boyfriend of two years has a friend who, when we were alone together, tried to convince me to have sex with him. I didn't, and I told my boyfriend about it. His friend also continues to message me on Facebook. I want nothing to do with him because I obviously don't feel comfortable around this guy. However, I don't feel like my boyfriend is as bothered about it as he should be. Shouldn't he be way more mad that a friend of his tried to sleep with his longtime girlfriend?Yes, most guys would be pissed off if their buddy tried to sleep with their long-term girlfriend. Most dudes would be furious. I don't know enough about your boyfriend to tell you why he's not freaking out \u2014 and that's why you should confront him.My head starts to spin when I think of all the reasons. I don't want to get too paranoid \u2014 and I don't want you to either \u2014 but it could be so many different things: Maybe your boyfriend just isn't that serious about you. Maybe he wants you to cheat so he can sleep with someone else. Maybe your boyfriend and this guy have a history, in which he hit on his friend's girlfriend and now the guy is returning the favor. Or maybe the friend knows that your boyfriend is cheating on you. Maybe your boyfriend shies away from confrontation or thinks  if he acts jealous it will come across as a sign of weakness. Or maybe he has screwed-up ideas about what's respectful to women: Some guys just make excuses for their pals, saying, \"That's just Jim being Jim \u2026\" (That's stupid, of course, and in that case you might want to think about why your boyfriend thinks it's acceptable and ask him to man up and tell this guy to cut it out.)Obviously, I'm just tossing out half-baked theories here. I don't have any evidence \u2014 and that's my point. You two have to sit down and talk this out. Ask him why he isn't more pissed off. Tell him it bothers you that he didn't call up his friend and yell at him. Let him know that you don't just feel disrespected by his friend, you feel disrespected by your boyfriend. Tell him it matters to you and explain why it should matter to him. Oh, and also? Tell him his friend is a dick.\n\tAdvertisement - Continue Reading Below\n\t\n\nMy ex-boyfriend made me feel like crap about my past (aka men before him). I believe his insecurity was one of the downfalls of our relationship so it makes me insecure about telling future boyfriends if it comes up. I'm afraid they'll judge me like my ex did. I don't want to lie, but I almost feel like I should in order to avoid hard feelings. What should I do?The goal of dating shouldn't be keeping a guy at all costs, no matter what faults or issues he brings to the relationship. The goal should be finding someone who's a healthy match for you: a guy who can accept and love you as you are, including who you used to be. Talking about your past relationships didn't end that earlier relationship. Your ex's insecurity did \u2014 and I'd bet you two weren't a perfect match anyway, were you?Talking about our exes is always going to be awkward. For those of us with lots of exes or particularly dramatic tales to tell, it's even trickier: How many mistakes are we required to admit? How specific do we need to be? Some exhibitionists love to flaunt their experiences, while others are far less forthcoming. But we all stumble along and find our own comfort level. \n\nYou don't have to flat-out lie to your next boyfriend. But you don't have to reveal everything either. There's a middle ground between instant full disclosure and total repression. You can talk a little now and then more when you trust each other more. You can answer some questions and not others. A boyfriend doesn't have the right to know absolutely everything about you. It's your right to retain some privacy. Sure, honesty is almost always the best policy, but you don't have to talk about everything. And it's not lying to say, \"I'd rather not talk about my exes.\" Even if you do mention a few bad relationships, you can do so without giving him the play-by-play reenactment. If you create your own boundaries, you can find a way to be honest, on your own terms \u2014 and not on his.Do you have a question about sex or relationships? Ask Logan here.Follow Logan on Twitter."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a29575/ask-logan-sober-sex/>