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" Question My husband and I enjoyed a relatively happy marriage until five years ago when our third (unplanned) child died shortly after birth.  We went through a very difficult period and I know that he was depressed for some time afterwards but refused to accept that he needed help so never sought it.  I too felt devastated by this event but had strong support from friends and other family members. My husband has few friends \u2013 he says I am the only friend he wants or needs.  Since our son died we have had another child.  However, my husband frequently says that he cannot relate to our three kids, and that he wishes we had never had them \u2013 he says he only went along with it because I wanted children. He used to say this before our son died.  He even says that he doesn&amp;#039;t like the kids. He avoids taking them out/spending time with them. He often says that his life is not what he expected and neither is our marriage.  He complains that we do not have sex often enough and that this is how he thinks my love should be expressed.  Over the past five years, since things got bad, I have tried so hard to be a good wife and mother. I work full time as a nurse too, which can be stressful and very tiring.  Our last argument was about a month ago and once again, he pointed out &amp;#039;my failings&amp;#039; and how we rarely had sex. He believes I have a problem with my sex drive and that now he thinks we should go to Relate to sort things out.  I refused saying that I would not put myself through having him tell a third party about how many ways in which I fail to make the relationship work.  I hate the situation we&amp;#039;re in now. All signs of affection have stopped. I don&amp;#039;t even kiss him goodbye on my way out to work.  I am seriously thinking about separation and divorce.  At this moment in time I don&amp;#039;t even want to make an attempt at saving the marriage. If he came home and said he&amp;#039;d had enough and wanted out, I would be relieved. We have barely spoken to each other and it&amp;#039;s getting harder as each day goes by. I would really appreciate your advice. Answer David writes: Recently, I have seen a number of couples whose sex lives and marriages ran into real trouble following the loss of a baby or toddler.  As a nurse, you&amp;#039;ll be well aware that many men have this &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;m so tough that I don&amp;#039;t need help&amp;#039; attitude. But... he does now want to see help \u2013 through Relate \u2013 and it&amp;#039;s you who doesn&amp;#039;t want to go for assistance.  I would beg you to give it a chance. From the sad tone of your email, it&amp;#039;s clear that your marriage is virtually on the rocks.  Why not at least try a couple of sessions with a counsellor at Relate? (You say you don&amp;#039;t want to involve a third party, but you&amp;#039;ve made a start by emailing us!) Two final thoughts: is he depressed? And are you? Christine adds: I feel very sad for both of you. I am also concerned for your three living children \u2013 who are still small. But I have every sympathy for your despair at this marriage.  It is very difficult for a woman to feel sexually alive and responsive to a man who is acting like a hurt child and who refuses to grow up and be a true father to his own \u2013 and your own \u2013 offspring.  I&amp;#039;m afraid it&amp;#039;s just another example of the way in which men need sex in order to express love and how women only feel like sex if and when love is being shown to them.  Sadly, the whole situation also demonstrates how men so often can compartmentalise their lives in ways that women never can.  I&amp;#039;m sure you feel deeply wounded that your husband professes not to enjoy fatherhood or to even like the children very much.  But I do agree with David that now that your husband is at least suggesting some professional help, it would be a pity if you did not at least give it a chance.  My feeling is that it might help you both a very great deal. But if it doesn&amp;#039;t, then at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried to save the marriage \u2013 and you can then walk away from it with your head held high. Maybe you will be better off on your own with the children, but bearing in mind that you began your email by saying that the marriage used to be relatively happy and comfortable, it would be a shame to give up on it without at least trying to throw it a lifeline.  Good luck. Yours sincerely Dr David Delvin, GP, and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert  Other Qs &amp;amp;amp; As Can this jealousy-ridden relationship work?  Could a book to help save a relationship?  How can I deal with my selfish husband&amp;#039;s demands?  How can I get my wife back?  How can I get my wife to try and make our marriage work?  How can I save my marriage to my flirty wife?  How can I spend more time having sex with my wife?  I don&amp;#039;t want to push my man away  I don&amp;#039;t want to give up on my relationship with a young Greek  I love my long-distance girlfriend  I want my marriage with my distant husband to work  I&amp;#039;ve kissed a man and a woman, but can I still make our relationship work?  I&amp;#039;ve lost my desire, but I will do anything to save my marriage My wife &amp;#039;exploded&amp;#039; and said our marriage cannot be saved   Last updated 04.01.2008 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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