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"FacebookPinterest\n\n Each week, Jeff Johnson and David Roth will be covering the NFL, the healthiest professional sports league in America. Only, not everything is as healthy as it seems. Today, Jeff and David tackle the AFC.\n\n AFC East\n\n Jeff: The Jets are subtle. Like a 46-year-old guy waking up his parents by singing &amp;quot;Mama Said Knock You Out,&amp;quot; loudly into the bathroom mirror after coming home late one evening having French-kissed a human being for the first time since Bill Clinton was in office.\n\n David: They are understated, like a guy who yells &amp;quot;boo-fucking-yah, buddy&amp;quot; every time someone jumps a car over something in Fast Five. But I am also pretty much into the Jets at this point.\n\n Jeff: Yeah. Unpleasant as it seems, me too. Defensive, jowly, finger-pointy, &amp;quot;certain every moment could be theirs&amp;quot; confidence bordering on mania\u2014these are traits I somehow, well, see in myself, too. Children are referring to this as &amp;quot;swag&amp;quot; and it\u2019s difficult to sustain without becoming a cartoon. This attitude is unnecessary and even less charming when you\u2019re &amp;quot;good,&amp;quot; which is never quite a given with the Jets. What is a given is the name Hayden Panettiere will be brought up at some point. Some guy named Scotty who wrote menacing stories about his high school teacher was on the team. And Mark Sanchez looks like a character from Saved by the Bell.\n\n David: They\u2019re ridiculous even by NFL standards, but I can\u2019t help but think that\u2019s kind of great. Random defensive backs out there cutting promos like they\u2019re coke-eyed Hulk Hogans back in \u201987, Mark Sanchez basically turning into a pair of skinny white jeans before our eyes, Rex Ryan getting a tattoo you usually only find on female sophomores at Hampshire College.\n\n Jeff: Leg tattoo, right? &amp;quot;I can put pants on if this is somehow disappointing.&amp;quot;\n\n David: Just how strenuously they work at not giving a shit is very contemporary, but in every other way this is classic Old Weird NFL stuff. I\u2019m not sure that they\u2019d be much more than the fifth or sixth most-interesting/dirtbaggy team of, like, 1985, but at least they\u2019re trying.\n\n Jeff: From a fan\u2019s perspective, having a stake in liking the Jets is like going to Medieval Times or a Pensacola-area production of Sleep No More or something. There\u2019s a lot of bluster and show biz even if they get shut out 9-0.\n\n David: Rex Ryan will give you that. He\u2019s a very interesting man. According to his IMDB page, he dated Rebecca DeMornay for four years and played &amp;quot;Strip Club Patron&amp;quot; in 15 different movies, including Jade.\n\n Jeff: He was often credited as lonesome, insulin-dependent fellow with partial erection, in shadow.\n\n David: He played Rockets Redglare in an off-Broadway show. Opened a restaurant on Long Island that only serves sweet potato fries and corned beef hash.\n\n Jeff: I can live with them beating the Colts and Patriots. It might even put a spring in my step. Deep down though, I feel like I am cheering for this guy sometimes.\n\n David: Yep.\n\n Jeff: My take on the Patriots is that they\u2019re one of three fading empires in the AFC, the others being the Colts and the Steelers. And I am going to sell this hard until they are all 11-2 and I look like a moron. They have a mosquito named Danny Woodhead running through granite walls. Their QB did semester abroad in Brazil with a flaccid, try-hard ponytail. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s been taking about &amp;quot;futbol&amp;quot; with the guys, asking them to, &amp;quot;respect the beautiful game.&amp;quot; They\u2019ve re-upped with a coterie of tarnished, aging Corey Dillon-types\u2014mercenary millionaires who carry themselves like they just found out someone took a dump in their Range Rover. And just when things seem to be wilting, Junior Seau or a 49 year-old lesser-Faulk will surface and block a field goal to get them into the AFC Championship.\n\n David: I am maybe going soft, because I have hated these dudes so hard for so long, but I can\u2019t get that ercised about the Patriots anymore. I mean, they will still be good and Belichick will still look like he\u2019s passing 18-ounce kidney stones during press conferences after 24-point wins. But they used to be a threat to take over the world, and now they\u2019re just a fashion-victim quarterback throwing the ball to some smurfy whites, and the rest of the team is on reputational work-release. I would love to be at brunch with Haynesworth and Bob Kraft, though. Kraft is talking fervidly about the estate tax, Haynesworth is ordering a deep-fried omelet with waffles and lobster in it and using pancakes as edible napkins. \n\n David: But it\u2019s like the Pats went from being crazy-eyed hedge fund sociopaths with scary short positions on, like, civilization being allowed to continue to now just being drunk traders in some shitty Irish bar\u2014Duff Burpigan\u2019s or whatever\u2014who question the bartender\u2019s sexuality because he won\u2019t play &amp;quot;Sweet Caroline&amp;quot; for the 43rd time.\n\n Jeff: For 2011, the Dolphins have yet again elected to stick with the Howard Johnson\u2019s color scheme. They\u2019ve kept the head coach who resembles Rocky Rococo, and angrily bets people that the movie was, in fact, called the Sweat Locker and when proven wrong, insists he never made that bet.\n\n Jeff: Remember when they used to snap the ball to the running back and fooled everyone and won a bunch of games and everyone started to copy it? THAT SHOCKED THE WORLD, for a few weeks.\n\n David: I remember it because it was my favorite thing to write about on football ever. If it had worked a little better, you could probably buy my self-published epic poem called &amp;quot;Wildcat: A New System Of Being&amp;quot; in Amazon\u2019s cut-out bin.\n\n Jeff: I have a Kindle single if anyone wants to help make it happen. It is called: &amp;quot;Why Aren\u2019t There More Men Named Robin in the NFL?&amp;quot; And it is a trend and it does piss me off. Anyway, the Dolphins have weapons, and a new offensive coordinator who was tutored by Eric Mangini.\n\n David: He was tutored by Eric Mangini in looking like he has to go to the bathroom all the time. Learn from the best.\n\n Jeff: Let me just back up, before we have to talk about all these other goddamn teams. I guess as a big picture thought, if you had your way, the Browns would play the Bills for the AFC championship? \u2019Cause I am fine with that.\n\n David: Oh man, I would love that so much.\n\n Jeff: Do you imagine there is a great PA system gimmick in Buffalo when &amp;quot;good things are happening on the field&amp;quot; where there is the overwhelming and suffocating sound of a stampede of fast-moving Buffalo hooves? At Patriots games, they have all that crap dialed-in\u2014like the lighthouse-fog warning sound and the Bon Jovi &amp;quot;Rooting for Kevorkian&amp;quot; song whenever they score.\n\n David: I imagine that more likely it\u2019s just guys from the Buffalo community named Bill being like &amp;quot;Um, okay you guys, try to keep this up if you can.&amp;quot; But it wasn\u2019t always like that. Bills games used to be really weird, in a good way. There was this one hero who had some crummy \u201970s car\u2014a Pontiac Credenza or a Dodge Zwieback or something\u2014that he\u2019d retrofitted into a tailgating machine. He used to make burgers on the hood, pour people cherry brandy shots out of a bowling ball, just do the things that awesome guys do. But he was too loose with the cherry brandy and the league harshed him.\n\n Jeff: He\u2019s a legend to me. One of the main things about the Bills is that Dave Wannstedt is on the coaching staff, and to me that signals a commitment to just sort of being at the stadium on Sunday and seeing if anyone wants to play football. I am still psyched about Fred Jackson as a starting RB. Where did he come from? He looks like a guy from the 1930s who had a state job killing schizophrenics with a hatchet. &amp;quot;We\u2019ve got another one for you, Fred. We\u2019re just going to fingerprint him, and send him out into the backyard. I\u2019ll wait until you have your protective eye gear on.&amp;quot;\n\n David: He went to Coe College, which is a D3 school that my mom swears recruited her when she was in high school. Their pitch was, &amp;quot;We\u2019d be honored if you would be our Jewish student.&amp;quot;\n\n David: Jackson would lose his job to C.J. Spiller, but Spiller apparently has no idea how to do football things. He is very fast, but half the time he gets a hand-off he\u2019s like, &amp;quot;No thanks, I just ate.&amp;quot;\n\n Jeff: In summary, and not too far off-topic, if the staff at former Jet John Hall\u2019s Goal Post Grill is going to take a third consecutive Halloween off without posting new pics, I\u2019m going to be angry:\n\n David: We will all be poorer.\n\n Predictions\n\n Jeff: 1) Jets 2) Patriots 3) Bills 4) Dolphins\n\n David: 1) Jets 2) Patriots 3) Bills 4) Dolphins\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n AFC West\n\n Jeff: The Tim Tebow Conversation is kind of like The Aristocrats. Except in this case, it\u2019s sportswriters and pundits and personalities lining up to tell us in their own special way how much he sucks.\n\n David: They are also doing it because they know he has an army of believers out there who will read and comment on and pray-for-the-authors-of anything written about him. Dan Wetzel wrote something about David Garrard\u2019s mysterious release from the Jaguars earlier this week at Yahoo and I saw Tebow was just stuck in there as a keyword because why not. Just trolling for commenters who would be all, &amp;quot;Perhaps David Garrard would play better if he could have a long conversation with Tim Tebow about the sodomites.&amp;quot;\n\n Jeff: Even Boomer Esiason joined this party. Given the choice of watching a Jacksonville Jaguars versus Seattle Seahawks pre-season game with the sound off and Heart\u2019s &amp;quot;Dog Butterfly&amp;quot; playing on repeat, or Boomer announcing a Packers versus Patriots Super Bowl, I\u2019d go with the Jags game.\n\n David: I will never go with a Jags game, but that\u2019s another division. I\u2019m actually kind of rooting for Tebow, only because all success he will experience is a zero-sum outcome that takes away from Brady Quinn. Well, for that reason and because I personally believe that life begins at over-the-sweater petting, and I think it\u2019s cool to have a &amp;quot;star&amp;quot; athlete who agrees with me on that.\n\n Jeff: Seconded.\n\n David: As big a lumpy goon as Tebow is to me, it would also be exactly the sort of NFL ridiculousness I despise most if he somehow spends his career as Billy Volek-headset-model type despite his only starting experience having been one actually-pretty-excellent three-game stint.\n\n David: He produced a ton of offense for a shitty team in three games! He\u2019s not better than Orton, which is obviously saying something, but the idea that he\u2019s holding a clipboard for a decade because his throwing motion is spazzy is total NFL meat-brain stuff. He can do things. It\u2019s complicated.\n\n Jeff: They don\u2019t even want him in the NFL at all, though. They want him running his own failing moving company in Durango.\n\n David: Who is they? The Jews? As a Jewish person, I should say that I\u2019m okay with everything you just wrote.\n\n Jeff: Everyone! &amp;quot;I\u2019m not okay with him just sucking, I want a raccoon to bite him in places it is impossible to stitch up.&amp;quot; I really think it is just people projecting their hate of Josh McDaniels on him.\n\n David: In that case, I get it.\n\n Jeff: Criticism of Tebow always cleverly ends with. &amp;quot;Well, he stinks. And we just have to question WHAT KIND OF FUCKING MORON EVER THOUGHT OF DRAFTING THIS UNTALENTED SON-OF-A-BITCH, and that person...is JOSH MCDANIELS.&amp;quot;\n\n David: I can only hope that McDaniels is coaching a 12-and-under team someplace. Running them through two-a-days and calling the kids\u2019 parents at home. &amp;quot;Your son played like a fruit out there today, sir.&amp;quot;\n\n Jeff: He\u2019s working for SPAGS in St. Louis. I think the Broncos wind up 8-8. I think the Raiders will be better.\n\n David: The Raiders had their moments last year, but they\u2019re still mostly fast guys who can\u2019t catch. Al Davis drafts like he\u2019s putting together a team for Battle of the Network Stars. But San Diego is pretty good, I think they win the division with ease.\n\n Jeff: AJ Smith keeps on holding block parties every time he convinces a player to play for less money.\n\n David: He is the most irritating GM in sports. I\u2019m mad at AJ Smith forever because he fired Marty Schottenheimer, and I think Schottenheimer is great. Not a great coach, per se, but he is my ideal NFL coach type insofar as he is like a Top Gun instructor who is not afraid to cry when the situation does/doesn\u2019t call for it. But also Smith just seems like a jerk. Constantly daring dudes to hold out. Then leaking rumors about them when they do. &amp;quot;Sources close to the team are concerned that Shawne Merriman is harboring illegal immigrants, and may be responsible in some way for the Smurfs movie.&amp;quot;\n\n Jeff: I want Terrelle Pryor to succeed. That is all.\n\n David: We forgot to talk about the Chiefs! I think they should just give the keys to Brodie Croyle and let the chips fall where they may.\n\n Predictions\n\n Jeff: 1) Chargers 2) Raiders 3) Chiefs 4) Broncos\n\n David: 1) Chargers 2) Chiefs 3) Raiders 4) Broncos\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n AFC South\n\n Jeff: This is from Grantland: &amp;quot;Speaking of anemic pass rushes...over the past three seasons, the Jaguars have taken down opposing quarterbacks on just 4.5 percent of their drop backs.&amp;quot; And this is why no one I know has sat through an entire Jaguars game.\n\n David: Oh, that is not the only reason. The Jaguars are the football equivalent of a failing Kia dealership. The coffee machine is always out of cups, dealers are trying to borrow staplers from customers, everyone\u2019s always trying to sell you new models of things you\u2019ve never heard of. A haggard Jack Del Rio being like, &amp;quot;If you want my honest opinion, I think you should buy this Kia McCown. It\u2019s going to break a lot and will always smell like Cherry Coke inside, but sometimes that\u2019s what you need.&amp;quot;\n\n David: The whole division is a nightmare. Every team represents an even more curdled corner of the underwater-mortgage belt, every stadium is ringed by sour, paranoid, heavily armed exurbs.\n\n Jeff: I think Houston surpasses Indy this year. I wish that made me sound edgy, but 140,000 other people have communicated this.\n\n David: I like Indy turning the team over to Kerry Collins. Time to build for the future. Peyton had his run. The next decade is all Kerry.\n\n David: Tennessee is also just rolling with the new. Out with the old, in with new quarterback Hume Cronyn. Or... sorry, Matt Hasselbeck, I meant.\n\n Jeff: Hasselbeck is going to need a new back when he retires. I can hear Jon Gruden now: &amp;quot;Doctors are saying the shots he has taken, Kevin, are the equivalent to being on water skis for over a decade without a break.&amp;quot;\n\n And then Ron Jaworski says: &amp;quot;I\u2019m not Kevin.&amp;quot;\n\n David: The Titans are now coached by Mike Munchak, who played guard for the Oilers/Titans from 1977-2004.\n\n Jeff: Sounds like a grocery store that refuses to step into the 1990s. Or a theme restaurant. &amp;quot;Come on down to Munchak\u2019s and if you throw up, the meal is on us! In more ways than one!&amp;quot;\n\n David: Munchak\u2019s only serves things that come out of loaf pans. The house special is meatloaf between two pieces of banana bread.\n\n Jeff: And &amp;quot;hot&amp;quot; lemonade, which suspiciously tastes like dishwater with lemon-flavored Joy in it.\n\n Predictions\n\n Jeff: I think Jacksonville will go 16-0. And if that doesn\u2019t happen?\n\n David: 1) Houston 2) Indianapolis 3) Tennessee 4) Jacksonville\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n AFC North\n\n Jeff: BENGALS = Trying to make it work with a rookie QB and a hope that most people in Southern Ohio will have golf to play or only UHF reception on their TVs.\n\n David: Playing with a team comprised entirely of Tear Da Club Up Cedric Benson and dudes spit out of a Madden Football name generator. Touchdown, &amp;quot;Jerome Simpson!&amp;quot; Marvin Lewis is still coaching there because he gives very detailed descriptions of the team\u2019s imaginary practices to a skeptical media. &amp;quot;Yeah, the new guy, um, P\u2019Zone... Schwervin really showed a lot of explosiveness. He\u2019ll be big for us at some point.&amp;quot;\n\n Jeff: BROWNS = Rivaling that dance Clive Davis and Whitney Houston do every couple of years where something is repackaged but not at all different. Except for this time!\n\n David: The Browns are secretly one of my favorite teams. Every win is like some miniaturized and totally irrelevant proletarian triumph. When the Browns beat the Patriots last year, I was like ANOTHER WORLD IS POSSIBLE.\n\n Jeff: And they beat the Saints!\n\n David: After that one I just got a clipboard and stood on a street and got people to sign a piece of paper. No petition, no real issue. I was just feeling it. Just kind of, &amp;quot;Sign for change, let\u2019s keep all this moving. That rectangular running back guy rushed for 270 yards today, there\u2019s nothing we can\u2019t do together.&amp;quot;\n\n David: I like the idea of the Steelers as a dissolving empire, too, although I still think they\u2019re tops in this division. It\u2019d just be interesting to see them dissolve into factions. Roethlisberger, shirtless and tumid, rules over a lawless and hot dog-strewn corner of the locker room. Human Rights Watch declares it one of the least safe places for women in the world. A tip-frosted, glassy-eyed Jeff Reed somehow gets his job back and serves as Roethlisberger\u2019s right-hand underling.\n\n David: Polamalu declares himself an independent nation, but continues to play effectively every week. An increasingly paranoid James Harrison will only communicate with the press through comedian Katt Williams, whom he wears in a papoose. By Week Three, it is clear that he is playing while wearing a sidearm.\n\n Jeff: Their only real opponent is the Ravens. QB Joe Flacco hasn\u2019t missed a game since before we knew who Jon Gosselin was.\n\n David: Which is so weird, because part of me still expects to turn on the TV and see Kyle Boller tossing laser-beam picks three yards behind Todd Heap. But Heap\u2019s in Arizona working on that brain-trauma record and Boller is auditioning for roles in Christian soap operas\u2014he\u2019s playing &amp;quot;Brady&amp;quot; in one called &amp;quot;Kingdom Estates&amp;quot;\u2014and backing up whoever\u2019s backing up Jason Campbell in Oakland.\n\n David: I hope the Ravens make the playoffs, so we can get one last go round of Ray Lewis showing up on &amp;quot;Inside the NFL&amp;quot; dressed entirely in linen, and speaking entirely in crazy-eyed iambic-pentameter metaphor. I\u2019ll miss that when it\u2019s gone.\n\n Predictions\n\n Jeff: 1) Baltimore 2) Pittsburgh 3) Cleveland 4) Cincinnati\n\n David: 1) Pittsburgh 2) Baltimore 3) Cleveland 4)Cincinnati\n\n Jeff Johnson whines almost hourly here, and is cruel to sportscards here&amp;amp;#xC2; and here.&amp;amp;#xC2;\n\n David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal\u2019s Daily Fix blog, writes the sports column &amp;quot;The Mercy Rule&amp;quot; at Vice.com, and writes regularly for The Awl, among other places. He tweets here."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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