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" Question: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? Answer: You marry her. Okay, it&amp;#039;s an old joke, and it&amp;#039;s not all that funny. But it has the uncomfortable ring of truth. Your marriage may be the exception\u2014you&amp;#039;re delirious with desire and he gets the headaches. But if you&amp;#039;re like most couples, he&amp;#039;s the one who asks for sex and you&amp;#039;re the one who refuses. It&amp;#039;s easy to get stuck in this stereotypical rut if you turn him down too often: After a while, you don&amp;#039;t even think about whether you want to say no, you just say it\u2014partly because you feel like he&amp;#039;s begging, and it bugs you. Yet giving in\u2014having sex just to please him\u2014is worse. You feel used. He feels like you&amp;#039;re placating him. And neither of you feels the least bit romantic. The first thing you need to remember is that you and he are not on a level playing field, desire-wise. Men have a biological head start when it comes to being ready for sex. (It can take a woman 15 minutes to reach the same level of arousal that a guy reaches in three.) But some women know how to get themselves into the mood fast\u2014which is not at all the same as giving in. Here, their secrets.  Use Your Leverage to Buy Time Think you&amp;#039;re just too tired to get in the mood? You&amp;#039;ve got a lot of company. Studies show that women who work outside the home continue to devote more hours to child care and housework than their spouses do. Most of us have no time at all to decompress between the day&amp;#039;s work and the evening&amp;#039;s chores\u2014and that stressed feeling often translates into &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not in the mood.&amp;quot; The solution? Use your bargaining power outside the bedroom to buy yourself time to get revved up for lovemaking. &amp;quot;Before the twins were born, I had a different concept of romance than I do now. Now they&amp;#039;re a year old, and the most romantic thing my husband can do is take over when he comes home. Watching him with a baby in each arm makes me feel warm and fuzzy toward him. Am I more inclined to make love later? You&amp;#039;d better believe it!&amp;quot; \u2014 Lorrie, 29  &amp;quot;We share the chores, and I&amp;#039;m shameless about trading sexual favors for work\u2014as in, &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;ll trade you five minutes of fellatio for cleaning up the kitchen.&amp;#039; Or I&amp;#039;ll masturbate him if he promises to change the cat litter all week. Sometimes I get so excited doing it to him that it leads to the sex he wanted in the first place. It&amp;#039;s a win-win situation.&amp;quot;  \u2014 Kim, 29 Related Video: Get in the Mood in 5 Minutes      Make Him Ask \u2014 Nicely Don&amp;#039;t let it get ugly. Insist that there be no whining, begging or pouting. He can&amp;#039;t say, &amp;quot;We never have sex,&amp;quot; for instance, or &amp;quot;I can&amp;#039;t remember the last time we did it.&amp;quot; After all, your marriage vows guaranteed neither of you a specific ration of sex. If he&amp;#039;s forgotten how to seduce you, he needs a refresher course. &amp;quot;One night he said peevishly, &amp;#039;But I want to. Why don&amp;#039;t you?&amp;#039; That did it. End of feeling guilty about depriving my husband of sex. I said, &amp;#039;Oh, that really makes me want to have sex with you.&amp;#039; He didn&amp;#039;t realize how much he sounded like a spoiled kid. But after I pointed it out to him, he started complimenting me the way he had when we were dating. I encouraged him to be more verbal, to say not just &amp;#039;you turn me on&amp;#039; but how, why and when. When he told me that his heart started pounding when I leaned over and he caught a glimpse of my lace bra, I felt desired again.&amp;quot; \u2014 Joan, 34 &amp;quot;Begging is for dogs. I told my husband that, and he was insulted, but he got over it. He stopped begging for sex\u2014and I&amp;#039;m more aroused by him now that I don&amp;#039;t look into his big brown eyes and see a hound dog.&amp;quot; \u2014 Jennifer, 32 Create Seduction Rituals That Turn You On Many women feel sexier when they slide into a silk slip or kimono or let their minds drift in clouds of scent. They do these things for themselves first, their partners second. So never mind him\u2014he&amp;#039;s already in the mood. Figure out exactly what preparations for love stimulate you. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s the little things that get me started, things I can do in the car while I&amp;#039;m stuck in traffic. Sometimes I do Kegels. It&amp;#039;s an exercise, but a sexy one. Or I run one finger up and down the inside of my arm, my neck or my inner thigh in the bare space above my thigh-top stockings. Occasionally I catch a man in the next car watching curiously to see where I&amp;#039;m going with this. That turns me on too.&amp;quot; \u2014 Kara, 33 &amp;quot;I do the same things for me that I do for him when he needs a little convincing. He calls it the ritual of the bubble bath. I light candles, turn off the lights, pour myself a glass of wine and soak and sip. I spend time shaving my legs, exfoliating, creaming, perfuming. Then I slip into something that feels good against my skin, like a cashmere robe. Sometimes he says I go to a lot of trouble considering that he gets aroused just watching me bend over in a pair of tattered jeans. But I know what I&amp;#039;m doing.&amp;quot; \u2014 Carmen, 31 Fuel Your Fantasies There&amp;#039;s nothing like a good, steamy fantasy to get you in the mood. The only snag is that good fantasies aren&amp;#039;t so easy to generate when you&amp;#039;re not really interested in sex. You could, of course, watch a video, but that requires making a production out of the process. Besides, nothing gets a woman inside her own erotic mind like the right reading material. Whether you prefer traditional romance or literary porn, keep a few strategic books in the drawer of your nightstand. Sometimes reading just a few pages can turn &amp;quot;No, not tonight&amp;quot; into &amp;quot;Yes, I said, Yes, I will, Yes.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;When I was a teenager, I got hot reading novels like Gone With the Wind. That still works for me. I leave bookmarks in the sexy parts of novels and reread them when I need to get in the mood. It&amp;#039;s my secret. My husband and kids are so used to seeing me read in the evenings, they don&amp;#039;t pay attention when I put down one book and pick up another.&amp;quot; \u2014 Lisa, 37 &amp;quot;The really dirty stuff works best for me. I have a stash of the kind of books that were written by &amp;#039;Anonymous&amp;#039; in Victorian days. When my husband is ahead of me in the arousal department, I tell him I&amp;#039;m going to bed early to read. He gets the hint and gives me time to work myself into a mental frenzy.&amp;quot; \u2014Kate, 32 Take Matters into Your Own Hands The quickest, most direct way to make yourself want him: Go into the bathroom or bedroom alone and masturbate\u2014just enough to become aroused. Then invite him to join you. Maybe you&amp;#039;ll tell him what you&amp;#039;ve been doing, and maybe you won&amp;#039;t. &amp;quot;When we were first married, I would masturbate a little first because it took me so long to have an orgasm. Then the orgasms began coming more easily, and I didn&amp;#039;t do it anymore. But after I&amp;#039;d told my husband once too often that I wasn&amp;#039;t in the mood, he suggested I take it up again. He was right\u2014it was a good idea. When I&amp;#039;m starting cold, I don&amp;#039;t really want him to touch my genitals. It&amp;#039;s something I have to do for myself.&amp;quot; \u2014 Cleo, 33 &amp;quot;Sometimes I&amp;#039;m so tense that masturbating for a few minutes is the only way I&amp;#039;m able to move into lovemaking. He likes to be included in the process, so I let him watch, or, if I want to be alone, tell him I&amp;#039;m going to do it. Why don&amp;#039;t I let him do it for me? Because nobody knows where the buttons are and how to push them as well as I do.&amp;quot; \u2014 Stephanie, 34 Have It Your Way If he&amp;#039;s the more interested party, he should put some energy in creating the conditions you need for arousal. Ask for what you want: More oral sex. More kissing, fondling, caressing. Was there ever a better time to ask? &amp;quot;When he wanted sex and I didn&amp;#039;t, I gave in. Sex was more often his way\u2014quickies and blow jobs\u2014than my way\u2014romantic, sensual and slow. I felt guilty for not wanting him, so I thought I had to give him what he wanted. But the resentment built. He&amp;#039;s the one who suggested that he would do it however I wanted if we would just do it. Now he behaves like the prince in all the romantic stories, ready to do anything to please me. I ask for a lot more cunnilingus, and he really enjoys doing it. I&amp;#039;m more orgasmic too.&amp;quot; \u2014 Catherine, 31 &amp;quot;We had an unspoken agreement that it wouldn&amp;#039;t be intercourse if he wanted sex and I didn&amp;#039;t, or vice versa. That left oral sex, mutual masturbation, the one not interested masturbating the one who was and so forth. Then I said to him, &amp;#039;Make me want it.&amp;#039; Without talking about it first, we acted out a fantasy in which he ravished me. I got very hot, very fast. Now he knows exactly what I want when I say &amp;#039;Make me want it.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; \u2014 Corrine, 31 Make Him Wait a Day Sometimes it&amp;#039;s sexy to say no to sex. &amp;quot;No&amp;quot; can be a valid game position, a seductive ploy that leads to better sex another day. Tell him &amp;quot;not tonight,&amp;quot; but promise you will tomorrow and keep your word. He still has to get you into the mood: He has to leave those passionate messages on your voice mail, tuck love notes into your coffee cup, send the single red rose to your office. &amp;quot;If you can make &amp;#039;no&amp;#039; sound like &amp;#039;maybe later,&amp;#039; you&amp;#039;ve salvaged his ego and given him a reason to behave in a romantic way for the next 24 hours. I believe my husband likes a challenge; he&amp;#039;d get bored if I always acquiesced. When I say &amp;#039;not tonight, maybe tomorrow,&amp;#039; I encourage him to pull out all the stops. He cuddles in bed, brings me coffee in the morning and calls me at work to ask if he can run any errands on his way home. He gives me his undivided attention and really listens when I talk. Does that turn me on? You bet it does.&amp;quot; \u2014 Suzanne, 37 &amp;quot;Pleasure deferred can be pleasure enhanced if you work it right. Instead of pushing him away when he wants sex and I don&amp;#039;t, I&amp;#039;m very affectionate. I let him know I&amp;#039;m not rejecting him I&amp;#039;m just not in the mood to make love. He can&amp;#039;t be upset when I&amp;#039;m being loving. I promise tomorrow, and he knows I&amp;#039;ll keep my word. After he&amp;#039;s had a day to think about how much he wants me, he&amp;#039;s a more ardent lover.&amp;quot; \u2014 Dawn, 29 Just Do It Having sex can be like riding an exercise bike. You think you can&amp;#039;t possibly get into the saddle today, but you do, and suddenly you&amp;#039;re not tired anymore. In fact, you&amp;#039;re exhilarated. Sometimes, having sex even when you don&amp;#039;t feel like it is the best thing you can do. &amp;quot;If I haven&amp;#039;t been in the mood for several days, I&amp;#039;ll go along because I don&amp;#039;t think it&amp;#039;s fair to keep turning him down. Often I discover that I get in the mood very quickly once we actually start making love. Maybe my head didn&amp;#039;t know what my body wanted. Or maybe I just respond more easily to stimulation than I once did. When he runs his hands up and down my naked body, he seems to be pulling the sensations to the surface. Sex puts me back in touch with myself as well as with him. Sometimes I forget how much I want sex and need it.&amp;quot; \u2014 Jill, 33  Practice Competitive Sex It&amp;#039;s not supposed to bother us when our highly sexed friends intimate that they make love morning, noon and night\u2014or when we read a new survey saying that the average couple has a lot more sex. Why not be inspired to have better sex lives? Sex, therapists reassure us, is not a competitive sport. Well, why not? We&amp;#039;re often inspired to diet, exercise, ask for a raise or even change careers because someone we know has done it.  &amp;quot;A lot of my friends do it more than we do. Many are still single, but when they are involved, the passion is intense and overwhelming. I&amp;#039;m jealous when they share their stories. When I&amp;#039;m not in the mood and my husband is, I replay those stories in my head. I want to get so hot that I have to have him right now in the shower, on the laundry-room floor, anywhere. I want what they&amp;#039;ve got, and sometimes wanting it is enough to make it happen.&amp;quot; \u2014 Sarah, 34 &amp;quot;Four words: Sex and the City. Nothing gets me going like watching that sitcom on HBO on Sunday night. I want to be Samantha\u2014hot, hot, hot. My husband knows I&amp;#039;ll be in the mood on Sunday night. What he doesn&amp;#039;t know is that I sometimes get in the mood on Tuesday night thinking about those four women and how they have men panting after them.&amp;quot; \u2014 Micheala, 35 "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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