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" As Esquire&amp;#039;s drinks correspondent, I spend a lot of time in bars. Maybe it&amp;#039;s because I haven&amp;#039;t quite found the perfect one yet. If I do, here&amp;#039;s what it&amp;#039;ll have. Darkness: Nobody likes a bright bar. Small barstools: And those widely separated. Because I hate having to attack a phalanx of backs to get my drink order in. No barstools is even better.  Jiggers, muddlers, graters, and several kinds of bitters: If they have the extra tools and bitters, it says they&amp;#039;re ready to make some real cocktails. Crap on the walls: And lots of it. Not just because it&amp;#039;s nice to have something that engages your attention when the group you&amp;#039;re with starts talking about hockey or Heroes. But because every item is a memorial to somebody -- the owner, the tenders, the customers -- who cares enough about it to decorate it. And after all, the essence of a real bar is a community of caring individuals (by which I mean drunks). No TV: And especially no flat-screens. Lots of whiskey: Scotches, bourbons, ryes, Irish, Japanese (like at Keens in New York, above). No bottled beer: And only two or three taps for draft beer, all for cask ale (which has to be hand-pumped from the keg). Cask ales are fresh and alive, and if there are only a few taps, you&amp;#039;re pretty sure to be getting a fresh pint; when there are dozens, some barrels can sit there forever.  Good jukebox: Not a satellite jukebox. Not the bartender&amp;#039;s iPod. One that plays CDs (or even 45&amp;#039;s) so you know the selection was chosen with care. A nude woman: Even if it has to be a painted one. A good men&amp;#039;s room: It should be at the end of the bar. (And I like the kind of no-miss, floor-length old urinals they have at McSorley&amp;#039;s in New York.)  No amusements: No buck-hunting game, quarters table, or what have you. It distracts from the drinking and attracts an unserious element. That said, a one-lane bowling alley in the basement is cool.  Corner seating: Because that&amp;#039;s my spot. Return to the Best Bars in America "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/food-drink/bars/a2937/perfectbar0607/>