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"\nWhat affected me most was the teens. Covered in blood and stained\rwith emotion\u2014their stories were vivid and painful as they desperately\rtried to convey the twisted violence they had witnessed with anyone who\rmight offer a chance to explain this new evil to them. It would be\rtheir faces, covered in blood, with eyes fixed on me asking, \u201CWhy?\u201D\rthat would haunt my dreams. Who can look into the face of lost innocence\rand survive? It was like watching helplessly while someone was being\rraped. My stomach turned as the innocence of their youth was taken from\rthem by a bloody and ruthless adversary bent on destruction and death. \n\n\r\n\rI\rwanted answers. From the moment I left Columbine high school 10 years\rago, I wanted answers. I needed to know \u201Cwhy.\u201D I was 24 years old,\rready to take on the world and fresh out of seminary\u2014but all the\rtraining 40 grand could buy was suddenly derailed by the simplest question: Why? Why\revil? Why kids? Why here? Why me? Why now? \n\n\rIn the coming\rdays and weeks as events unfolded, I discovered a deeper horror:\risolation. Withdrawing from family and friends, I found it hard to\rrelate to others. Small and insignificant issues erupted into big\rmountains as I grasped at straws while edging closer to the cliff. The\rnation-changing event known as \u201CColumbine\u201D slowly became my own private\r\u201CColumbine\u201D as I silently suffered. I suffered with what I saw, what I\rdid and, most importantly, what I thought God didn\u2019t do. Why didn\u2019t God\rshow up for me like He did for others? \n\n\rChristians today often seem to celebrate only the big moments. Christian books and videos are filled with\rtons of celebrations of how God showed up in some big way to save the\rday. Well-meaning preachers parade a constant stream of feel-good\rstories in pulpits across America. But what about the other times? What\rabout the times when God simply chooses to not show up? \n\n\rDuring\rthe 10 years since Columbine, I have come to understand Scripture\rdifferently. Hidden beneath the felt-board stories and trite\rexplanations is a deeper sub-story\u2014a subversion of the popular health\rand wellness Gospel preached on every street corner these days. What is\rthis subversion? It\u2019s a slow and painful waiting. Just a quick look at Scripture will reveal this. Many of the Bible\u2019s big characters had to\rwait. Abraham, Moses, Joseph, John the Baptist all believed in a\rpromise that was decades away. Skimmed over in the \u201Cverse of the day,\u201D\rquick Bible school readings are reference to this slow and painful\rwaiting. Genesis 40 tells of Joseph lying in prison for years for a\rcrime he did not commit. One day, as if by a stroke of luck, he finds an\rofficial of Pharaoh who promises to put in a good word for him when\rhe gets out the next day. In perhaps one of the most understated lines\rin Scripture, Genesis 40 ends with these words: \u201C The chief cupbearer,\rhowever, did not remember Joseph, he forgot him.\u201D Genesis 41 starts by\rsaying \u201CWhen two full years had passed.\u201D Two full years!  Two years of waiting and prayer; two years of expecting to be released any day; two years of hoping.\n\n\rLast\rweek I found myself waiting on Columbine once again. This time my\rwaiting had a timeline. As I sat on the plane waiting to go to Denver\rfor the 10th anniversary of Columbine, I could not help but ask more\rquestions. Why was I going back? What did I hope to gain? Would anyone\rrecognize me? I had visions of parents stopping me and saying, \u201CHey, are\ryou the guy who sat and prayed with me when I found out my daughter was\rkilled?\u201D Each question spurned more questions, an avalanche of hope,\rdesire, pain, all flowing down into my valley of darkness. What would\rhappen? How would my personal Columbine end for me? I was desperately\rsearching for my feel-good faith moment, looking behind every corner\rfor hidden meaning, replaying every conversation for a sign or a signal\rthat would finally reveal to me why I had to bear witness to such pain.\n\n\rIt never came. \n\n\rThe\ranniversary came and went. I went to the candlelight vigil and the\rmemorial service and nothing happened. No one recognized me. My\ranticipated feel-good faith moment never came. Spend too much time\rhanging out in the halls of faith and you will see faith\u2019s dirty little\rsecret: nagging questions. They chase us at every turn and haunt us at\revery intersection of life. Why? Why here? Why me? Why now? Stealing\raway our joy, we never escape them. When one of life\u2019s great questions\rgets answered, another always surfaces in its place like a lost buoy at\rsea, bobbing into our consciousness, causing us to drift into\rconfusion. A deeper look at our Bibles will reveal to us that these\rquestions are not new. The Old Testament writer of Psalms 13 says this:\n\n\r\u201CHow\rlong, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your\rface from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts?\u201D\n\n\rListen\rto this ancient passage and hear the rhythms of faith pulsating hard.Why? Why here? Why me? Why now? These questions, as painful as they\rare, do something to us. Questions destined to destroy our faith, once\rembraced, do the exact opposite. When we embrace these tough and brutal\rquestions, we find a real and authentic faith, stripped down from all\rof the false gospels. When we stand in the presence of the Creator and\rlay bare our questions, faith suddenly becomes real and deep, we play\rfor keeps. When we have the courage to stand strong and embrace the\rquestions we cannot answer without God, we move away from felt-board\rfaith and into a new hope.\n\n\rMy Columbine didn\u2019t end. \n\n\rAnd I am OK with that.\n"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/features/16745-my-columbine>