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" 1. The huge, abrasive frat dude you&amp;#039;d never get serious with. While there is something appealing about hooking up with someone who make you feel small and dainty enough to dance on the head of a pin, face it, homeboy&amp;#039;s obnoxious. Shelf life of: Frozen chicken nuggets (1-3 months; any more and you will explode if you have to fake-laugh at one more American Dad reference.)   2. The guy who wears a pork pie hat. Does he play the bass in a 1940s New Orleans honky tonk band? Does he have five children with the croup and an exhausted-looking wife? No? In that case, not okay. Shelf life of: Gouda cheese. Overpowering, spoils quickly. Don&amp;#039;t let it sit.   3. The foreign guy you met at that bar the other night. That undecipherable accent! That weirdly &amp;#039;80s multicolored bomber jacket! That dark hair slicked back with exotic oils! Shelf life of: Pizza. Eat two slices, then wake up, hungover, and throw the pie out. It was sitting out overnight! Okay, eat one more slice. But then throw it out!   4. The friend from college who always had a thing for you but you were always kind of like, &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t want to ruin the friendship, and also your glasses make you look like a lesbian.&amp;quot; When you&amp;#039;re both between significant others, the two of you are hanging out on a Friday night watching TV and moping. Cruel Intentions comes on. You have one too many Negro Modelos. The rest is history. Shelf life of: String cheese. That shit will last forever if you let it, but eventually one (or both) of you will want something with sparks.   5. The absurdly hot guy that all of your friends want to sleep with too.  But you happened to be in the right place at the right time. Way to play it, champ. Shelf life of: Cake. Delicious for one or two days, until he asks you to read his absurdist novel or come see him in an off-off-off-off Broadway, all-white production of &amp;quot;A Raisin in The Sun.&amp;quot; With puppets.   6. The high school boyfriend you hook up with when you&amp;#039;re home. During winter breaks or four-day weekends with your parents, he was always around. Always texting. Always, um, waiting around. Shelf life of: Cheez-Its. Necessary for munchies, but they go soggy after a few weeks once the bag is open.   7. The guy who isn&amp;#039;t going down on you. Fuck that. No excuses. Unless, like, a vagina killed his family. Shelf life of: I Can&amp;#039;t Believe You&amp;#039;re Not Going Down On Me. I mean, It&amp;#039;s Not Butter. Then when it goes bad (1-3 months), go get some damn butter.   8. Goth dude. Sure, it&amp;#039;s okay at first, but pretty soon you are side-eyeing him over dinner as he says something like &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s weird, but dead flowers inspire me.&amp;quot; (This happened to me on a date once.) Shelf life of: Eggs. Get that shit out your fridge before they rotten.   9. The guy you met at the Farmers Market. On the one hand, he wears Season 3-Aidan-from-Sex and The City hemp necklaces. On the other hand, he just stopped short and did soccer-mom-arm-throw over your chest to stop from hitting a deer that is blithely derping across the road, and you TOTALLY dropped an egg. Shelf life of: Biodegradable quinoa.   10. The dickhead co-worker you&amp;#039;re kind of in love with. So you&amp;#039;ve been booty-calling each other since the office party, when he told you that you were pretty for a Jewish girl (DICKHEAD). Shelf life of: If you had a box of Oreos, and someone dumped toilet water all over them, would you still think it was okay to eat them until the expiration date? Nope. Ditto this guy. Expiration date was yesterday, brah.   Bonus: The guy who plays &amp;quot;Good Riddance&amp;quot; by Green Day on the acoustic guitar at parties when nobody asks him to. I hope you had the time of your life. Now get the hell out of there before he finishes the song.   Follow Anna on Twitter. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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