<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"FacebookPinterest\n\n Jeff: It is really hard for me to step back and realize that the Giants have won five games in a row. They must be sad to have two weeks off. I bet they wish the Super Bowl was on Wednesday morning.\n\n David: It was so much easier to believe they could win the Super Bowl before that game. And you're right, two weeks seems like so much time to lose momentum/for Steve Weatherford to get arrested.\n\n David: \"The Giants punter, 34, gave police the name Weave Stetherford when they pulled him over. The family of beavers, minivan, and smoke grenades were returned to their rightful owners. Weatherford is listed as Probable for the Super Bowl.\"\n\n Jeff: Deon Grant is due back inside Madden '92 by the end of January as part of a deal he made with Satan. One of the Giants Tight Ends could easily be dancing on the bar at Hogs and Heifers or something, and accidentally throw a fire marshal through a plate glass window.\n\n David: Brandon Jacobs will do something impulsive with all this attention-free downtime. Kidnap Rudy Giuliani or something. Then claim it was because he was angry he didn't get invited to the Pro Bowl.\n\n Jeff: \"Simple: conspiracy. They didn't want me around. They knew how serious I would take it.\"\n\n David: \"I guess there's no room for TRUTH and RANDOM INEFFECTIVE VIOLENCE in Hawaii.\" He hires someone to skywrite \"Fuck All Y'all\" above the stadium.\n\n Jeff: \"You saw what I did in Frisco. Me and my 1.9 yards per carry. With me running the ball, you're gonna see a lot of Third and 6's. But I got them off their game. Thinking about knocking me out. And that's why we won.\"\n\n David: \"That's why I have 'MINDHUNTER' tattooed on my arm. Actually, I have no idea why I have that.\"\n\n Jeff: \"I just got it in fact and now it is infected and I will miss the Super Bowl. But I can rest knowing I am Top 5 of all time.\"\n\n \"Of what?\"\n\n \"Doesn't matter. The system made you ask that question\"\n\n David: If the Huffington Post's [Person] SLAMS [Person] headlines were targeted to my personal tastes, there would be one right now blaring: \"Gram&amp;amp;#xE1;tica: I Can 'Fix' Cundiff [VIDEO].\"\n\n David: Kyle Williams, Lee Evans, and Cundiff should all go on a long walk together. Someplace desolate. Maybe retrace the kid's journey from Into The Wild.\n\n Jeff: The Ravens played gingerly on offense. They just did not take a lot of chances. In a way, Flacco in the first half is what Eli looked like for most of the second half. Still, they made me miss grocery shopping. Whenever they got on the ropes, I kept thinking I would leave and be back for Giants vs. 49ers, and I never went anywhere. Loved seeing Ricky Williams fight for a first down. Wished he would have gotten to a Super Bowl.\n\n David: By the numbers, it seems like Flacco really outplayed Brady. It makes you wonder why he was not allowed to more fully do that.\n\n Jeff: I thought the Lee Evans thing was a catch.\n\n Jeff: I would be ready to end the whole season and give the title to the Ravens based on the sheer awesomeness of that tipped interception. That was incredible.\n\n\n\n there's a less slow-motiony version here\n\n David: It really was. I've never seen anything like it.\n\n\n\n Jeff: And also Julian Edelman tackling Anquan Boldin and giving him some kind of leering \"Stay down\" move?\n\n David: Putting Edelman on Boldin repeatedly was like some sort of prank. I suspect MTV's Made had something to do with it. Like a pre-existing agreement between the network and the team that once Julian finished working with Fred Smoot for his episode\u2014Made: I Want To Be A Part of a Suspect Dime Package\u2014he'd get to match up against one of the NFL's better receivers. But it was baffling.\n\n Jeff: I think sometimes Edelman has done OK with that. My sort of pompous AFC prediction this year was a treatise called \"Fading Empires.\" Two of three I got right: Colts, Steelers...but I begrudgingly have to concede to Belichick and the Patriots. Whom I have wanted to be terrible for so long. Them losing in the playoffs the past couple of years has helped me feel better...\n\n David: They're much more rickety than in years past. Half their secondary is guys I remember getting whistled for \"double-roughing the kicker\" as Jets special teamers a couple years ago.\n\n Jeff: A lot of the time he can just shape-shift them into some winning machine. He will probably sign Atari Bigby to drop kick field goals just in time for the Super Bowl.\n\n David: I know he's not doing it entirely to annoy me. But I think if Belichick knew how much that bugged me, he'd be pleased.\n\n Jeff: Or get Steve Grogan's son Lance, who currently runs an LL Bean warehouse to become their new kick returner, even though he's 41.\n\n David: He wouldn't admit it, he'd just be like \"It's always good to irritate Dave. Lot of great ways to irritate Dave. But we're not celebrating, here, we've got to go back out there and annoy Dave again in a couple weeks.\"\n\n Jeff: I think Belichick has every possible scenario for every possible thing that could happen at every possible moment in a football game and does some sort of mental origami/super computer and coldly tries to ecute that. \"We thought Donet\u00E9 Stallworth would be great at being a holder for field goals in the rain so we signed him. He will not be allowed to do anything else.\"\n\n David: \"We watched a lot of tape.\"\u2014Belichick's only explanation for bringing on Kathy Griffin to play strong safety.\n\n Jeff: If it works, then he is not happy either. \"Listen, football was going to be played in this location, on this day, whether I was here or not, and so given the circumstances, I just tried to prepare these guys. And I get some decent sweatshirts out of it, too.\"\n\n \"Well, coach you had 80,000 people going bananas, and 21.7 million people watching at home.\"\n\n \"That's their business.\"\n\n David: \"I can't worry about those people. I can only worry about Donet\u00E9, Kathy and the rest of my guys.\"\n\n Jeff: \"I suppose if that's how people want to spend their time, there's not much I can do about that. I'd prefer to play these games with no one around, except for the respective staffs of each team. And the owners.\"\n\n Jeff: Belichick leaves the saucy talking to his team.... I really enjoyed Stefan Fatsis's analysis of why Cundiff isn't totally at fault here. It had a bit more nuance than Steven A. Smith cared to offer. The Barnwell thing at Grantland is good as well.  Though it has a bit too much math for me. He does point out how bad early decisions caught up with the Ravens, and it is worth a read if only to see the steaming Wilfork head, and a mouthguard that looks like a fat spliff.\n\n Jeff: In the 49ers vs. Giants, I felt like the 49ers kind of were on the verge of killing Eli Manning in the second half. He almost lapsed into Tony Romo blue-cheese-ranch-dressing hands.\n\n Jeff: I also feel like with Brandon Jacobs five rushes/13 yards stat line, he is a lot more like Rex Ryan than he cares to admit. (See the top of this column.)\n\n David: Yeah, he's the CONTROVERSIAL Ineffective Guy. I'm sure he's okay with that, because he seems pretty okay with himself. He'll surely give the NY Post some sort of \"Jacobs: I Dare Patriots To Hunt Me With Crossbows\" headline, I'm sure.\n\n Jeff: I feel like he was hiding somewhere during the game. Like he went to look for some Triscuits. \"Wow, you guys look pretty sweaty out there. Working so hard. Busting ass. I am gonna go get some more Gatorade for you...US....for us!\"\n\n \"Brandon, where are you going?\"\n\n \"No, it's cool. I'm not above this!\"\n\n Jeff: Basically I am happy to see the Giants Defense vs. Patriots Offense. I feel like if it were just five possessions like that, I'd be happy to be done with the NFL for this year.\n\n David: It will be fun. And either way, some ulcerously defective coach will get cold blue Powerade poured on him in front of tens of thousands of financial industry guys, beverage company ecutives and their kids.\n\n David: Couglin Gum Update: did you notice it was neon yellow?\n\n Jeff: NO WAY.\n\n David: Yeah, it was weird.\n\n Jeff: I am sure it had some over-the-counter alertness powder in it.\n\n David: It looked like Mountain Dew. I'm sure the actual flavor was just, like, Apple Cider Vinegar. Some special-order Coughlin flavor.\n\n Jeff: No one retweeted my comment that he is like a schnauzer-gnawed Fisherman's Friend lozenge. Like, personality-wise.\n\n David: That's their fault. You can't worry about those people. Just know that you're right. Jim Harbaugh I will miss. He looks like a stressed-out Dick Tracy.\n\n Jeff: He will have years to grow into the kind of maniac that will be on the sidelines in two weeks.\n\n David: Here's my secret hope for Harbaugh: he becomes California Ditka.\n\n Jeff: I think he could become California Governor.\n\n David: No mustache, no constantly being wreathed in the smell of Canadian bacon. But the same Crazy NFL Player Turned Crazier Coach vibes.\n\n Jeff: I wish that he would coach on a motorized hydraulic surf board that would move up and down the sideline. Not 'cause he's a surfin' brah, but because he thinks that is the most efficient way up and down the sideline.\n\n David: \"It saved me 88 steps last week. That's energy I can use to work on my snarling, and enhance my bellowing disbelief.\"\n\n David: If Harbaugh would break his throwing hand punching out Jim Kelly (for criticizing him on TV weeks earlier) when he needed that hand to throw, the sky is the limit now.\n\n Jeff: I don't blame the 49ers punt returner guy, either.\n\n David: Me neither, but poor Kyle Williams had a terrible day.\n\n Jeff: It didn't help things. But the 49ers went back to being a team that only scores 14 points. If you can jack up the Saints and match them TD for TD in the last four minutes of a game, you have to be able to wallop a team that loses at home in December to the fucking Redskins.\n\n David: You'd think that. But it's January. Seasoned maniacs win in January.\n\n Jeff Johnson whines almost hourly here, and is cruel to sportscards here and here.\n\n David Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal's Daily Fix blog, writes the sports column \"The Mercy Rule\" at Vice.com, and he's one of the founders of The Classical. He tweets here."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/physically-unable-to-perform-folks-weve-got-a-super-bowl>