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" One recent afternoon, while picking my sons up from school, I spotted Will, our sociable 14-year-old, hanging out with his friend Dylan and another boy. Will was leaning on Dylan&amp;#039;s shoulder, saying silly things in his ear, apparently oblivious to the fact that his pal was trying to talk to the other kid. Dylan seemed increasingly irritated, but Will wasn&amp;#039;t getting (or was ignoring) the message. I cringed inwardly \u2014 was that Annoying Boy really my sweet kid? \u2014 and vowed to talk to him about it. But later, when Will and I were alone in the car, I hesitated. The last time I&amp;#039;d tried to offer him advice on interacting with his peers, he&amp;#039;d blown a fuse and accused me of being overly critical. How could I broach the subject so he&amp;#039;d get the message \u2014 or should I just stay out of it and let him learn the subtleties of social interaction on his own? Giving advice is never easy, but when the recipient is a child of a certain age \u2014 basically, anywhere from about 9 to 17 \u2014 it can be downright treacherous. These are the same kids, after all, who don&amp;#039;t want to be seen within 10 feet of you in public, or who roll their eyes every time you open your mouth (or, God forbid, hum along to Dave Matthews) in front of their friends. &amp;quot;Independence is the be-all and end-all of adolescents&amp;#039; existence, so you can imagine how much they hate getting advice from their parents,&amp;quot; says Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting. If you&amp;#039;ve been on the receiving end of impatient sighs, sneers, tears, and door-slamming, you&amp;#039;re not alone. &amp;quot;That just goes with the territory,&amp;quot; says Steinberg. But while there may be no group less receptive to parental input, there&amp;#039;s no age when kids are more in need of it. &amp;quot;Adolescents face new challenges almost every day. They&amp;#039;re learning to make decisions about everything from how to manage their time to which clique to hang out with, and they need parents&amp;#039; guidance,&amp;quot; says Steinberg. So how do you break through their resistance and give them advice they&amp;#039;ll actually hear \u2014 and try? Consider these strategies from the experts and other parents in the trenches. Silence Your Inner Critic Case history: When Deanne Scott Edwards&amp;#039;s 15-year-old son, Brady, was looking for his first summer job last spring, she heard him on the telephone. &amp;quot;Talking in a monotone, he said, &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;m wondering if you have any jobs at your pool,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; the Des Moines, IA, mom recalls. &amp;quot;I was appalled. He sounded so listless. But I knew better than to criticize him, so I said calmly, &amp;#039;Hey, Brady, it&amp;#039;s great that you&amp;#039;re taking the initiative to try to get a job, but it&amp;#039;s a good idea to think about what you sound like from an employer&amp;#039;s perspective. You might want to write down what you want to say and practice it a bit before you call your next prospect.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; His response: &amp;quot;I know how to do this, Mom.&amp;quot; Edwards was doubtful, but Brady&amp;#039;s next phone call came as a pleasant surprise. &amp;quot;He introduced himself; his voice had energy and was much more personable,&amp;quot; she recalls. &amp;quot;He had apparently internalized what I&amp;#039;d said, even though I&amp;#039;d thought he&amp;#039;d ignored my advice.&amp;quot; The lesson to be learned: Much as you may be tempted to put on your &amp;quot;Mom&amp;quot; hat and offer up a critique of what your teen is doing wrong, hold your tongue. The most effective way to get your point across is to keep your comments clear, concise, and positive, says Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Teens Will Listen &amp;amp;amp; Listen So Teens Will Talk. &amp;quot;Teenagers tune out long lectures, and they often react to criticism by defending their behavior,&amp;quot; she says. So brief, nonjudgmental comments (especially ones that emphasize the positive action that&amp;#039;s desired) have the best chance of making an impact. For instance, instead of saying, &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re so mean to your sister. You&amp;#039;re always picking on her,&amp;quot; Faber suggests respinning that sentiment into a comment like, &amp;quot;If there&amp;#039;s something you want your sister to know that you think would help her, please make sure that you tell her in a way that won&amp;#039;t hurt her feelings.&amp;quot; Let Them Take Charge Case history: Michele Howe&amp;#039;s son, Jamey, is a high school senior in La Salle, MI, who excels at pole-vaulting; Howe was counting on his skills to earn him a college scholarship. There was just one problem: &amp;quot;He was not working hard enough to improve his skills,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;His coach had been telling him what he needed to do to improve, but Jamey had basically ignored him.&amp;quot; Howe was dying to get her two cents in \u2014 especially when she saw him struggling at meet after meet \u2014 but knew she&amp;#039;d get nowhere if she just blurted out what she thought he should do. Finally, one day Jamey said, &amp;quot;&amp;#039;I can&amp;#039;t believe I&amp;#039;m doing worse this year than last year,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she recalls. &amp;quot;I knew that was my opening, so I said casually, &amp;#039;Do you have any idea why that&amp;#039;s happening?&amp;#039; He sheepishly said he should probably start running the hurdles like his coach had suggested. I said, &amp;#039;That sounds like a good idea. Why don&amp;#039;t you try it and see if it helps?&amp;#039; The next week he changed his training routine and \u2014 voil\u00E0 \u2014 his pole-vaulting improved.&amp;quot; The lesson to be learned: Of course, you want to simply tell your child what to do to improve a bumpy situation. But with adolescents, you need to back off and give them some leeway to solve their own problems \u2014 and asking questions, rather than dictating solutions, is an effective way to go about it. &amp;quot;Questions encourage kids to think for themselves, and asking rather than telling gives them the sense that you trust them, which reduces their combativeness,&amp;quot; says Faber. The most effective questions are the ones that let your child be, or feel like, an expert, says Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of The Pressured Child: Helping Your Child Find Success in School and Life. &amp;quot;For instance, if your disorganized daughter is frustrated that she can&amp;#039;t find a homework assignment, you could say, &amp;#039;What system are you using to organize your work?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; suggests Thompson. Maybe she&amp;#039;ll share her system and you can offer a tweak to it. If she admits that she doesn&amp;#039;t have a system, you could ask if she wants your help. &amp;quot;Solicited feedback is usually better received than unsolicited,&amp;quot; he says. Or try the &amp;quot;let&amp;#039;s collaborate&amp;quot; approach: &amp;quot;Explain your concern, then solicit your kid&amp;#039;s suggestions for how to solve it,&amp;quot; suggests Steinberg. For instance, if you think your adolescent is staying up too late, you could say, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve noticed you&amp;#039;re having trouble getting up in the morning, and I wonder if you need more sleep. What do you think would help you feel more rested?&amp;quot; The two of you can write down strategies and decide which ones to try. If she thinks it would help to sleep 15 minutes more in the morning, let her try it for a week or two \u2014 even if you think it&amp;#039;s a bad idea, suggests Steinberg. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s hard for parents to sit back and watch their kids make mistakes, but sometimes that&amp;#039;s what you need to do so they learn a lesson,&amp;quot; he says. &amp;quot;Once she&amp;#039;s had the chance to try it her way \u2014 and seen that it doesn&amp;#039;t work \u2014 she&amp;#039;ll be more open to trying your suggestions.&amp;quot; Catch Them When They&amp;#039;re Feeling Chatty Case history: Mary Beth Sammons, 52, a mom of three in Palatine, IL, had been concerned for some time about her then-16-year-old daughter, Emily&amp;#039;s, on-again, off-again boyfriend. &amp;quot;This boy kept going back and forth between Emily and this other girl,&amp;quot; says Sammons. &amp;quot;Then he asked the other girl to the prom, and Emily was really upset. I felt like it was demeaning to her to keep waiting around for him, but I knew that if I said that, she&amp;#039;d just get mad.&amp;quot; So Sammons waited until she and Emily were sharing some downtime, with Emily showing her how to text-message. &amp;quot;We were talking in a relaxed way, so I said, &amp;#039;When is prom again? How&amp;#039;s that whole thing going?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Emily said she was still upset, so Sammons took the opportunity to offer some advice. &amp;quot;I said, &amp;#039;I understand how hurt you are, but think of it this way: If two boys liked you, do you think it would be fair to lead them both along?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Emily thought for a moment and acknowledged that her boyfriend&amp;#039;s behavior wasn&amp;#039;t very respectful, so Sammons said, &amp;quot;I agree \u2014 and I think you deserve better than that,&amp;quot; she recalls. &amp;quot;Emily&amp;#039;s not over him yet, but there&amp;#039;s been a step in the right direction.&amp;quot; The lesson to be learned: A formal, &amp;quot;Come here; we need to talk&amp;quot; approach usually isn&amp;#039;t the best way to get through to a teen. But if you weave advice into everyday conversations, you&amp;#039;re less likely to encounter defensiveness or hostility, says Ron Taffel, Ph.D., a child and family therapist and author of Childhood Unbound: Saving Our Kids&amp;#039; Best Selves \u2014 Confident Parenting in a World of Change. &amp;quot;Pay attention to when your kid opens up naturally. For some, it&amp;#039;s after school; for others, it&amp;#039;s before bed, when they&amp;#039;re able to reflect on their day,&amp;quot; he says. &amp;quot;Those are good times to talk, because you&amp;#039;re both calmer, so kids are less likely to feel like they&amp;#039;re under the microscope.&amp;quot; If the issue at hand is a real hot button, allow both of you to cool off before discussing it. &amp;quot;Kids are hypersensitive to your emotions; they&amp;#039;re much more receptive when you&amp;#039;re relaxed,&amp;quot; says Taffel. &amp;quot;In a lower-key moment, you can say, &amp;#039;I was thinking about what happened and...&amp;#039; Conversations tend to go better when they&amp;#039;re less emotionally charged.&amp;quot; Derek Howard, father of two teens in San Anselmo, CA, says waiting is his secret weapon when it comes to giving advice that his kids can really use: &amp;quot;Recently, my older daughter put a school project off till the last minute. Two days later, we were in the car and I said, &amp;#039;It looked like you got yourself into a jam time-wise with that project.&amp;#039; She admitted that she&amp;#039;d procrastinated too long, so I said, &amp;#039;Next time you have a big project, it would help to remember this experience and how hard it is to do things at the last minute.&amp;#039; We were both a lot calmer discussing it because I&amp;#039;d let some time pass, and the advice really seemed to sink in.&amp;quot; I decided to bring up Will&amp;#039;s social gaffe while he and I were eating at his favorite burger joint and chitchatting about the day&amp;#039;s events. He was telling me about a misunderstanding between two of his friends at school that morning, so I said, &amp;quot;That reminds me. When I picked you up from school the other day, I noticed you were trying to distract Dylan when he was talking to Nick. Do you think he&amp;#039;s OK with that?&amp;quot; Will looked instantly suspicious and said, &amp;quot;You know, he does the same thing to me, Mom.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Does it bother you?&amp;quot; I asked, trying not to jump in with advice. Will was quiet for a minute. Then he said, &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s a little annoying. I don&amp;#039;t like it when people hang on me.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t, either,&amp;quot; I said. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t think most people do.&amp;quot; Then I changed the subject. Did he say, &amp;quot;Thanks, Mom; I&amp;#039;m going to remember that&amp;quot;? Of course not. But something Taffel said makes me believe he got the message. &amp;quot;Even if teens don&amp;#039;t respond \u2014 or they respond poorly \u2014 to your input, they might well be listening. When you give advice the right way, they tend to see it for what it is: an expression of a parent&amp;#039;s love.&amp;quot; "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/tips/a12218/give-advice-to-your-kids/>