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" Most of my life, I thought PMS was only a punch line. I had no sisters, my mother&amp;#039;s moods swung in a rut from self-pitying gloom to self-justified fury, and my first bride&amp;#039;s hormonal slalom was, as I recall, a day&amp;#039;s glide--two, tops--down the bunny slope. Maybe her birth-control pills smoothed it out, maybe I was high, but the whole thing seemed like no big whoop. I was wrong, friend. I was living in a fairy tale. And I truly hope that you are, too. But if you&amp;#039;re not--if, like me, you&amp;#039;ve pledged your troth to a part-time werewolf--here&amp;#039;s some hard-won advice about coping when the wolfsbane blooms: 1. Ask no questions about her face. No matter what&amp;#039;s swelling or shining or festering upon it, whether it&amp;#039;s purple, scarlet, striped, or breathing on its own, just rent a W. C. Fields movie, nuke some Orville, and shut the fuck up. 2. Don&amp;#039;t have a first wife. Even if you did, you didn&amp;#039;t. If your wife mentions her--and she will--say, &amp;quot;Who?&amp;quot; 3. Flowers will lead her to believe you have something to atone for. Go with chocolate, the perfect chemical fix. But keep it casual: candy bars--not some fancy-ass truffle box that will lead her to believe you have something to atone for.  4. This would be an excellent time to go to Atlantic City. Don&amp;#039;t. 5. There is a PMS version of Prozac called Sarafem. Sounds soothing, but two moderators were torn limb from limb during focus-group testing. No way to get there from here, not unless you obtain the scrip yourself and stir it into her tea. 6. Some alternative-health approaches may--depending on the patient and practitioner--soften symptoms. Acupuncture. Massage. Change in diet. Even sex. You can read up on this stuff on the Internet; just don&amp;#039;t breathe a word about it to her. Ever. Because she doesn&amp;#039;t have PMS, you son of a bitch. What she has is a husband who&amp;#039;s an anxious, controlling asshole. 7. Menopause: Wait for it. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/how-to/a1331/esq0406aaw-144-3/>