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" Bob Odenkirk will return to TV after Breaking Bad next month in the form of his own sketch-comedy show on IFC, The Birthday Boys, which he&amp;#039;s executive-producing with Ben Stiller. Odenkirk and the other half of the beloved Mr. Show, David Cross, also have a new book, Hollywood Said No!: Orphaned Film Scripts, Bastard Scenes, and Abandoned Darlings from the Creators of Mr. Show, out September 10. Here&amp;#039;s an excerpt from one of their unreleased scripts in the book. Bob and David Make a Movie by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn First draft on August 4th, 2003  ANIMATED WARNINGS MUSIC: Upbeat fanfare throughout NOTE: This opening piece is animated with cheap computer graphics (circa: the DIRE STRAITS video &amp;quot;Money For Nothing&amp;quot;) which correspond to the announcement. In addition, it should be scratchy, with skips, like it&amp;#039;s been shown for years\u2014 WE SEE: Klieg lights waving madly, pull in to... GIANT THEATRE MARQUEE with the title: &amp;quot;TONIGHT&amp;#039;S FEATURE-LENGTH MOVING PICTURE!&amp;quot; ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Congratulations, you&amp;#039;re attending our feature film presentation! This theatre has been voted the most polite theatre in America for five years running! Please adhere to our strict standards of conduct for everyone&amp;#039;s enjoyment! Remember, no talking or chitchat during the film. Please turn off all beepers for the duration of the movie! When enjoying refreshments, chew with your mouth closed and daub your lips with freshly laundered kerchiefs! Gentlemen, bow when a lady passes. Ladies, curtsy when a man passes... gas. Please refrain from soiling our bathrooms with your waste. Bathrooms are open for viewing five minutes before the movie, and five minutes after. When leaving the theatre please head straight home, do not stop to talk to strangers, friends, or family. Upon arriving home, lock and bolt your door. Sever all telephone lines, and board windows. Kill your spouse and leave their brains out on the front porch for the zombies to eat. Then, kneel beside your bed and pray to me, and I&amp;#039;ll come to you in the night to tell you how to live. Now, sit back, and enjoy this feature-length moving picture presentation! Light up those cigarettes and start talkiiiiiinnng nowww!!! DIP TO BLACK MUSIC: Tense suspense theme, building OPEN ON: EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD Shot with hi\u2011def, handheld, VIDEO. We are in a small group of looky-loo TOURISTS watching a scene from a movie being shot. There is a camera crane above the scene of a spaceship which has crashed and is giving off smoke. A small mob of NERDY-LOOKING GUYS mill about. The DIRECTOR, sitting in a set chair with the name &amp;quot;Famous Mortimer,&amp;quot; starts the scene. DIRECTOR  Okay, everybody in place? Okay, let&amp;#039;s make this really  intense. And... action!  The NERD MOB wave sticks, scream, and attack some unseen VICTIMS. NERDS  Kill &amp;#039;em! Get &amp;#039;em! The crane rises over this mob scene, and when it gets to its maximum height, the Director steps up. DIRECTOR  Cut! Print! That was great! We got it! The crew applauds. The tourists disperse . . . we pick out Bob and David from the tourist crowd and lead them as they walk down Hollywood Boulevard. BOB  Wow, David, huh? DAVID  Yeah, Bob, movie magic! BOB (looking around)  Where? DAVID  Right there, what we just saw. BOB  Oh. Yeah.   Bob talks to camera. BOB (CONT&amp;#039;D)  Hello, I&amp;#039;m Bob. DAVID  Oh, hi, I&amp;#039;m David. BOB  We&amp;#039;re here in Hollywood, California, to make a movie.  You might recognize us from your TV set. Bob waves to a TOURIST and his WIFE. ANGLE ON: Tourist TOURIST  Keep it movin&amp;#039; honey, a pansy just hit on me. DAVID  Anyway we&amp;#039;re both very excited to make a movie for you.  Hey man, what&amp;#039;s our movie about? BOB  That&amp;#039;ll take care of itself. First thing we need is money.  Let&amp;#039;s start thinking about product placement. A TEENAGER on a skateboard screeches to halt in front of Bob and David. BOB AND DAVID  Whoa!  DAVID  What&amp;#039;s up, kiddo? TEENAGER (into camera)  You guys are cool, but the coolest thing on two wheels is the new  Flo-Tex tampon. He holds up a brightly labeled box. BOB  Aren&amp;#039;t tampons for women?  TEENAGER  That&amp;#039;s what you think, old man! I&amp;#039;ve got that fresh, easy feeling right now.  DAVID  Wow! I want that, too! TEENAGER  You&amp;#039;ll have to skate me for it! He skates away, and a jingle plays. JINGLE SINGER (V.O.)  Flo-Tex for meeeeennn...  Freshness for aaaaalllll...  Flo-Tex tampons fall from the sky on happy Bob and David. ANGLE ON: Abe Lincoln ABE LINCOLN  Ask not what a tampon can do for you... but what Flo-Tex  can do for a tampon!  ANGLE ON: David DAVID  Now in apricot! MUSIC: Commercial Theme ends Resume Bob and David on the street, natural sounds, handheld look, etc.  BOB  So how much did we make for that? DAVID (putting wad of bills in pocket)  We&amp;#039;re set, we got our dough. BOB  Great. So let&amp;#039;s make the movie! ANGLE ON: David, he is standing in front of a poster for a dumb movie called Stupid and Stinky\u2011er which features two retarded characters (Bob and David), teeth blocked out, one smelling the other&amp;#039;s fart and smiling. David rants in front of this image. DAVID  Bob, they don&amp;#039;t just let you &amp;quot;make&amp;quot; a movie. You can&amp;#039;t just go out  there with no original idea, nothing to say, and no talent  to not say it with and make a movie. BOB  Of course not, David, I never\u2014 DAVID  You have to fill out a form first. BOB  Oh. DAVID  Come on... They turn and enter a nondescript DMV-type building. BOB AND DAVID APPLY FOR MOVIE SIGN: &amp;quot;Hollywood Town Hall&amp;quot; INT. CITY OFFICE MUSIC: Muzak, atmosphere Bob and David enter and look around. The place is crowded like a DMV. Various HOLLYWOOD TYPES wait in line. A JANITOR notices them all disoriented. JANITOR (by rote)  If you got a comedy follow the blue line, if it&amp;#039;s a drama, yellow line,  documentary is out back behind the Dumpster. The three windows are marked: Drama, Comedy, Indie.  BOB  Blue line. ANGLE ON: The COMEDY window. CARLOTTA, a black lady clerk, is listening to Kevin Smith, and thoughtlessly leafing through his latest script. CARLOTTA  Okay Mr. Kevin Smith, good to see you again. KEVIN  Thanks. I can&amp;#039;t wait to make another film.  CARLOTTA  Okay. Do you have any stars in it?  KEVIN SMITH  I&amp;#039;m trying to get Shannon Elizabeth.  CARLOTTA  So... I&amp;#039;ll put that down as a &amp;quot;no.&amp;quot; How about special effects?  KEVIN SMITH  No, no, it&amp;#039;s total low-budget. CARLOTTA  Mm\u2011hm. I don&amp;#039;t know... has it got farts in it?  KEVIN  Well, it&amp;#039;s sort of a &amp;quot;farce,&amp;quot; I guess...  CARLOTTA  No, &amp;quot;farts.&amp;quot; T\u2011S.  KEVIN SMITH (very positive)  Oh, yeah! Big fart sequence.  CARLOTTA  You got it, honey. Here&amp;#039;s your slip. Get your essentials and I&amp;#039;ll  stamp it for ya.  She hands him a slip and he exits, happily. JAMIE KENNEDY steps up to the window.  CARLOTTA (CONT&amp;#039;D)  Jamie Kennedy, what have you cooked up for me this time? JAMIE (excited)  Okay, my movie is called Invisible Dude, about a guy who  turns invisible when he gets nervous. She doesn&amp;#039;t respond. JAMIE (CONT&amp;#039;D)  And... he likes this girl, has to conquer his problem, but then  on his wedding day right before he&amp;#039;s about to get married,  his fianc\u00E9e tells him her parents hate... invisible people.  Carlotta tries to hold back laughter, but busts up.  CARLOTTA  Jamie Kennedy, you did it again! Hilarious! And pointed! Very well done!  JAMIE  Thank you. She hands him a blue slip. CARLOTTA  Here&amp;#039;s your blue slip, go fill it out, get your things, and come back  and I&amp;#039;ll stamp it. Next! Bob and David step up to her window. CARLOTTA (CONT&amp;#039;D)  Who are you and what&amp;#039;s your movie? BOB  We&amp;#039;re Bob and David. We want to make a funny movie. CARLOTTA  What&amp;#039;s it about? DAVID  All kinds of stuff. Just the funniest stuff we got. BOB  Just funny, y&amp;#039;know? CARLOTTA  You got any stars attached? BOB  Uhh... no, just us. She laughs. DAVID  So if you&amp;#039;ll just give us one of those slips, then we&amp;#039;ll get on our way. CARLOTTA  No. Not today. Now if you&amp;#039;ll excuse me, I&amp;#039;m on break. She puts a sign reading &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m on (cartoon of a guy with a bloody broken leg)&amp;quot; and walks away toward the break room. BOB  Dammit. DAVID  All right, well, let&amp;#039;s go drinkin&amp;#039;. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/movies/a24573/bob-odenkirk-david-cross-movie-script/>