<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"FacebookPinterest\n\n Hi America! Listen, Mommy Government and Daddy Government have to leave the house for a little bit and go work some things out. In the meantime, we're leaving it to YOU to take care of a few things while we're gone. We think you're old enough now for this responsibility and we know you can do it! It's not that big a deal! Just some light war maintenance and air traffic management. We didn't feel the need to hire some expensive nanny state for that. If you need anything, just call us at 202-555-5555, although we won't answer the phone because all government phone operators have been placed on furlough. Good luck! YOU CAN DO THIS!\n\n\n\nBOEHNER ROAST. \n\n There's a Boehner tanning in the oven. We set a timer for you. When the timer goes off, open up the oven, turn Speaker Boehner over, baste him with the brush we provided, and put him back in. Then LOWER the oven to 250 degrees and cook him for seventy additional minutes.\n\nSWEEPING. \n\n Please sweep Lincoln Memorial, the Jefferson Memorial, and every item in the Smithsonian Institution at least once a day to prevent dust buildup. Pull weeds wherever you see them please. There is a dustpan and garbage barrel over in the White Shed. We have left a padlock key.\n\nPRISONERS.\n\n The nation's prisoners need feeding thrice daily. We've provided a trough full of gruel in the kitchen. Every prisoner gets ONE scoop of gruel shoved through their cell slot. If there is poop in the cage, please dispose of it and lay fresh newspaper down. Please note that some prisoners DO bite. Walk them around the cell block at least once a day. They need the ercise.\n\nBORDERS. \n\n We set up an alarm system so that Mexicans can't get in the place. All you have to do is press ARM and then the PIN number 5-9-0-3. Please do not tell anyone the PIN number, especially any Mexicans.\n\nFOOD. \n\n There is no food left in the fridge, unfortunately. However, since our national parks are currently unsupervised, we've left you a hunting rifle and four bos of hollow point ammunition. Bears ought to be plentiful this time of year. Please take John Boehner out of the oven before roasting your bear shank.\n\nDOCTORS. \n\n If you or a veteran returning from Afghanistan have a medical emergency, please consult the scene in Rambo: First Blood, Part II where Rambo jams a flaming stick through his wound and then stitches that shit up himself. You can probably do that, right? So badass. For all other infections and potential amputations, there is a hacksaw and a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the medicine cabinet.\n\nMONEY. \n\n We've left four Sacagawea golden dollars on the kitchen counter should you need to make a quick run to the store for chips and drinks. DON'T GIVE THOSE COINS TO THE HOMELESS THEY DON'T DESERVE THEM.\n\nENTERTAINMENT. \n\n We understand you may get a little antsy while we're away, but we have left you a few entertainment options. You can head to downtown DC and watch motorists scream at each other because all the traffic lights have been shut off. We've also left the blinds open so you can watch unmanned Amtrak trains go flying off the rails. There are also a handful of reading materials around, including the original copy of the Constitution, which is obviously no longer of use to us.\n\nPAY. \n\n Unfortunately, we can't pay you for taking care of things while we're out. But we really appreciate you helping us in a pinch. Also, go fuck yourself.\n\nMore on GQ.com\n\n Ted Cruz: The Distinguished Wacko Bird from Texas"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/your-government-shutdown-chores-list>