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" Sacha Baron Cohen as &amp;quot;The Dictator,&amp;quot; ready to coat Ryan Seacrest in &amp;quot;ashes.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s 3:30 AM, and while America&amp;#039;s sweethearts and heartthrobs flit from fancy party to fancy party on the West Coast, I&amp;#039;m here in Philadelphia cleaning up my daughter&amp;#039;s puke and listening to her feverishly talk about the &amp;quot;honor of Grayskull&amp;quot; in her sleep. Everyone in my house, including me, is sick and awake or shouting about He-Man in their sleep. Since I&amp;#039;m not sleeping or shouting about He-Man, I might as well be writing about the Oscars. I mean I&amp;#039;m worn out and feel like I&amp;#039;m dying, so what better time to recap what was essentially a worn out tribute for a dying industry?  Why is the industry dying, you ask? Well, let&amp;#039;s see. Last year, attendance at movie theaters was the lowest its been in 15 years for a number of reasons, including the economy, changing technology, and the fact that they stopped making good movies around 1998. And also, television shows are smarter than movies at this point. Shows like The Wire and The Sopranos and Game of Thrones allow character development and plot nuance that movies could never dream of achieving in their limited time frame. Film is dead\u2014long live TV!  And yet, the Emmys are still treated like the Oscars&amp;#039; slow-witted younger brother (which is something I&amp;#039;m very familiar with).  Now let me got off my soap box,  and discuss the specifics of the awful, awful &amp;quot;celebration of movies&amp;quot; that was the 2012 Oscars. Must-see Moment: I didn&amp;#039;t actually see this, but I guess Sacha Baron Cohen threw something at Ryan Seacrest and people thought it was funny, and or, unnecessary and mean. Somehow I think Ryan Seacrest will find a way to manage the hurt, and I doubt SBC will suffer any long term career damage. Maybe the healing will start with all the free publicity Seacrest and SBC will receive. Everybody wins except for me, because I&amp;#039;m forced to feed the beast by writing about it! Look everyone, I&amp;#039;m part of the problem!  Fashion: Viola Davis won the Red Carpet, hands down. She looked smoking hot. That dress was deadly, as was her cleavage. However, I guess I&amp;#039;m a weirdo for liking a woman with curves who exudes an aura of healthiness, because Nina Garcia and everyone else couldn&amp;#039;t shut up about Rooney Mara. It&amp;#039;s so weird: A fashionista and her friends fawning all over a tall, pale, willowy socialite turned actress... will wonders never cease?  Speaking of Rooney Mara: I&amp;#039;ve never seen an interview with her where it doesn&amp;#039;t seem like she&amp;#039;s trying to do a Lisbeth Salander impression; it just makes her seem dull and petulant. You are the one percent in so many different ways Rooney. Smoke a cigar, make a joke, eat a waffle, lighten up. Brad Pitt: Apparently he bringing &amp;quot;greazy&amp;quot; back. Luckily, I was way ahead of him on this one. Obligatory George Clooney As Nice Guy Story: I&amp;#039;d like to hate on George Clooney, mostly because while I&amp;#039;m currently sick and covered in puke, the only thing he&amp;#039;s probably covered in right now is Stacy Kiebler, but the truth is I can&amp;#039;t hate that man. I live in Roxborough, Philadelphia and even I have a Clooney-is-a-nice-guy story: There is a diner in my neighborhood I&amp;#039;ve been going to for the last 15 years. For most of those 15 years, the lady who sits behind the cash register has had a shrine to George Clooney: pictures, candles, the works. Someone must have let Clooney know, because one day the man shows up at this diner in the uncool part of Philly and takes my 50-something girl from behind the register and has her sit on his lap while he reads her love poems. Photos are taken. Then he leaves. True story. Also, my neighbor claims that Clooney saved his cat, but I think he&amp;#039;s full of sh*t.  The Show: As for the show itself, I couldn&amp;#039;t understand half of it. It was like they were running the sound through a speaker phone in a bathtub. As far as I could tell Billy Crystal opened the show with a medley called &amp;quot;Mumble Mumble Bzzzz.&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;m sure that the people who could hear the jokes thought they were hilarious... maybe. Highlights - Christopher Plummer looking like he wanted to clobber the dope on the red carpet who asked how it felt to be so old and nominated. I can&amp;#039;t remember exactly how she phrased it but it sounded something like this: &amp;quot;Christopher I know you&amp;#039;re planning to shed your mortal coil soon, does that keep you up at night, and do you think winning an Oscar will help comfort you on your imminent journey into the light?&amp;quot; Plummer actually had to respond by saying he was planning to live well into his 90s. It was awkwardly awesome. - The adorableness of Jean Dujardin talking like we&amp;#039;ll ever see him in movies again on this side of the pond. We liked Roberto Benigni a lot too... for like 45 minutes. Jean, you&amp;#039;re Roberto Benigni II, enjoy it while it lasts, Americans have a short memory when it comes to old-timey European actors who do quirky original projects. - The guys who won for Animated Short referred to themselves as Louisiana Swamp Rats. That was cool. -Asghar Farhadi&amp;#039;s acceptance speech for best foreign language film for A Separation, in which he basically reminded us that it&amp;#039;s not the people who suck, it&amp;#039;s the politicians who suck terribly and unforgivably.  - OH! OH! How could I forget, J.Lo&amp;#039;s nipple? It wasn&amp;#039;t a shadow folks, I&amp;#039;m like an areola detective and that thing was like Puxatony Phil making for daylight and trying to end winter early. It was especially awesome because she had just delivered the Edith Head line: &amp;quot;Your dresses should be tight enough to show you&amp;#039;re a woman and loose enough to show you&amp;#039;re a lady.&amp;quot; Oh irony, you&amp;#039;re at your finest when delivered via a boob!  Low points - Cirque Du So Lame: They can fly and bounce, I don&amp;#039;t care.  - The fat jokes: There were a couple of these from a couple of different people, it seemed to be a minor theme for the evening. The worst was directed at Jonah Hill who was sitting with his mom; because nothing lets kids know that it actually never &amp;quot;gets better&amp;quot; than watching an adult getting ripped on for his weight in front of his mom and millions of viewers at an event where his peers are supposed to be honoring his work. C&amp;#039;mon, Billy Crystal you&amp;#039;re better than that.  - Low hanging fruit can sometimes make you feel pretty rotten after the fact, and you should know that before you pick it. It tastes especially bad when you&amp;#039;re making weight jokes in a room full of people, many of whom (judging by some of the visible skeletons of some of the presenters) maybe struggling with eating disorders. It&amp;#039;s downright repugnant when moments earlier &amp;quot;fashion experts&amp;quot; heaped praise on the girl with the visible spine.  The One Honest Moment: During the last section of incredibly dull and extremely close up testimonials by famous actors about why they love going to the movies something sorta honest happened. Gabby Sidibe from Precious was interviewed, and she said one of the reasons she goes to the movies is to see herself, she then heartbreakingly said that she doesn&amp;#039;t often see herself, and that she has to look very hard but when she finally sees herself or someone like her she feels good. She was talking about self actualizing through the lens of pop culture while at the same time being marginalized. It was honest and sad and the montage gave Ms. Sidibe all of 10 seconds of screen time. The same montage gave Edward Norton like 60 seconds to talk about the importance of Edward Norton&amp;#039;s feelings about movies. It felt like the one honest moment in the whole show and it was a total low point.  This show was trying to be a representative for the movie industry and ultimately it did just that, it showed exactly how dated and out of touch and ultimately boring the film industry has become. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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