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" &amp;amp;#8220;Maybe you should wear a bulletproof vest,&amp;amp;#8221; my friend suggested, only half-jokingly, the day before I was scheduled to meet with Ken Hoinsky, author of the seduction manual Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome With Women. It wasn&amp;amp;#8217;t an outrageous suggestion, considering after comedian Casey Malone quoted excerpts from the book (originally posted on Reddit) that promoted sexual violence, I wrote a petition for DoSomething.org that gained more than 61,095 signatures in three days, catalyzing the Internet to dub Above the Game a &amp;amp;#8220;book of rape tips&amp;amp;#8221; and call for Hoinsky&amp;amp;#8217;s head on a stake. (Above the Game, which advised men, &amp;amp;#8220;Don&amp;#x27;t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick&amp;amp;#8221; improbably raised eight times its $2,000 goal on Kickstarter. After the petition and public outcry, the site eventually issued an apology for allowing the project, changed its terms of use to prohibit &amp;amp;#8220;seduction manuals,&amp;amp;#8221; and donated $25,000 to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network.) Right, I was about to meet with the guy whose book I&amp;amp;#8217;d help label &amp;amp;#8220;how-to guide on sexual assault.&amp;amp;#8221; Odds are, this wasn&amp;#x27;t going to be pleasant for either of us. So I&amp;amp;#8217;m surprised that when Hoinsky greets me at an East Village restaurant on Saturday afternoon, he offers an eager handshake and a smile. If he&amp;#x27;s going to kill me, it&amp;#x27;s a strange way to start. &amp;amp;#8220;I feel like we&amp;amp;#8217;re old friends at this point,&amp;amp;#8221; he laughs. A hulking man, confident in a sharp jacket and well-maintained goatee, he has a stature and style that contradict his boyish features. He&amp;amp;#8217;s baby-faced, like a giant 14-year-old, and rocks a middle-part haircut reminiscent of Rider Strong circa 1995. A few days before, when the petition exploded, my CEO at DoSomething.org (that&amp;amp;#8217;s where I write full-time; Smitten is my beloved freelance gig on the side) suggested I reach out to Hoinsky. I told him in an email that as an author, a sex and love blogger, and a straight man, I could offer some insight on why his words were so offensive and how he could, considering he&amp;amp;#8217;d raised $16,000 anyway, publish a book that didn&amp;amp;#8217;t tell men to &amp;amp;#8220;Pull out your cock and put her hand on it.&amp;amp;#8221; I expected radio silence. Within hours, he&amp;amp;#8217;d invited me for coffee. Saturday is gorgeous, so &amp;amp;#8220;coffee&amp;amp;#8221; is now a pitcher of sangria. I&amp;amp;#8217;m trying my best to hate Hoinsky, but he seems, for lack of a better term, like a nice dude. He is articulate without the bravado and raunchy alpha-male sensibility of his writing. He makes eye contact and listens intently; he evokes none of the defensiveness or anger I&amp;amp;#8217;d anticipated. Instead, he&amp;amp;#8217;s polite and discusses the previous week&amp;amp;#8212;one in which someone wrote him, &amp;amp;#8220;I hope you get raped&amp;amp;#8221;&amp;amp;#8212;with humility and poise. He seems less like the person whose advice to men is, &amp;amp;#8220;Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don&amp;#x27;t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances&amp;amp;#8221; and more like the self-proclaimed feminist who speaks affectionately about his mother and whose other advice includes, &amp;amp;#8220;Celebrate [women&amp;amp;#8217;s] beauty,&amp;amp;#8221; &amp;amp;#8220;Make her feel valued and appreciated,&amp;amp;#8221; and &amp;amp;#8220;Compromise is important.&amp;amp;#8221; As we sip from our magenta cups, it becomes apparent that I&amp;amp;#8217;m speaking not with a rape advocate but with a man who&amp;amp;#8217;s woefully uninformed as to the issues at hand and the dangerous implications of his words. Take this, for example: Amid the controversy, Hoinsky hastily issued a statement of clarification, explaining that his advice for a man to use force in bed with a woman was &amp;amp;#8220;taken from a section in the guide offering advice on what to do AFTER a man has met a cute girl, gotten her phone number, gone on dates, spent time getting to know her, and now are alone behind closed doors fooling around.&amp;amp;#8221; When Hoinsky offers what, in his mind is sound advice&amp;amp;#8212;find excuses to touch a woman, build her comfort and trust, then find a place where you can be alone&amp;amp;#8212;it&amp;amp;#8217;s is exactly how RAINN defines &amp;amp;#8220;acquaintance rape&amp;amp;#8221;: a) Intrusion of personal space through &amp;amp;#8220;accidental&amp;amp;#8221; and other touch, b) Desensitizing a victim to make intrusions feel less threatening, and c) Using that trust to isolate a victim. I explain to Hoinsky that, despite his benign intentions, that explanation still advocates date rape. Ignorance is no excuse, and I&amp;amp;#8217;m not, by any means, defending Hoinsky&amp;amp;#8217;s words. Obviously, no matter how innocent he thought he was being, the potential consequences of those excerpts are extremely dangerous. Still, I think there&amp;amp;#8217;s a difference between an uninformed and careless writer and one who consciously advocates for sexual violence. In all, we sit for nearly three hours, reviewing Above the Game page by page, and I explain that men can&amp;#x27;t ever assume that consent is implied, that only a definitive &amp;quot;yes&amp;quot; means yes. We discuss the harmful connotations of &amp;amp;#8220;dominance,&amp;amp;#8221; &amp;amp;#8220;power,&amp;amp;#8221; and &amp;amp;#8220;don&amp;amp;#8217;t ask for permission,&amp;amp;#8221 and it really seems to resonate. I offer to send him some further resources and put him in touch with experts in the sexual assault space. He seems receptive and eager, and genuinely so. We shake hands again and say we look forward to staying in touch. I&amp;amp;#8217;m hopeful. Yesterday, those feelings were validated. Hoinsky sent me an email linking to a statement of apology that admits, &amp;amp;#8220;I needed to seriously evaluate every last word of my writing to make sure I wasn&amp;#x27;t encouraging sexual assault in any way, shape, or form.&amp;amp;#8221; He acknowledges that our chat is &amp;amp;#8220;the first of many meetings I will be having with anti-rape and anti-abuse organizations and experts to make sure that the advice I am offering is free of any tinge of sexual assault or rape vibes. I will be rewriting Above the Game under their guidance and insight.&amp;amp;#8221; I believe him. I&amp;amp;#8217;m not letting Ken off the hook, but I applaud his commitment to rewriting his book the right way. I&amp;amp;#8217;m not endorsing all of the advice in Above the Game, but I&amp;amp;#8217;m confident it will promote consent and respect. As Hoinsky begins to repair his image and rewrite his book, the greater issues loom large. This entire ugly debacle transcends one writer or one work; it&amp;amp;#8217;s more indicative of the cultural climate surrounding sexual assault and our desperate need to answer some of the difficult questions we&amp;amp;#8217;ve been too afraid to tackle. Why stigma continues to prevent open dialogue. How we can encourage conversation between men and women, parents and children, and teachers and students. Why people like Hoinsky are so uninformed on these issues and how these misguided notions perpetuate rape culture. How we can we begin to upend long-held cultural notions about sex and sexual assault to promote gender equity, along with a culture of consent and respect, one in which only &amp;amp;#8220;yes&amp;amp;#8221; means yes and in which we cultivate healthy relationships. Standing up and speaking out against sexual assault is imperative, yes, but merely condemning people like Hoinsky is an incomplete solution. We&amp;amp;#8217;re also in dire need of dialogue, of educating young people in homes and schools as to what is and isn&amp;amp;#8217;t acceptable sexual conduct. I&amp;amp;#8217;m reminded of a quote by Frederick Douglass: &amp;amp;#8220;It is easier to raise strong children than fix broken men.&amp;amp;#8221; As a society, it&amp;amp;#8217;s time to do both. What were your reactions to the original story on Above the Game? Have your feelings toward the book or the author changed? How do we help promote a culture of consent? Leave your thoughts below or tweet at me. 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