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" If you know a mom or dad of a special needs child, you probably want to let them know that they have your support. But plenty of well-meaning statements can come across the wrong way. Read on for nine lines\u2014all heard by real moms\u2014that are likely to offend, plus ideas for what to say instead. 1. &amp;quot;Wow, you must be so busy.&amp;quot;  You&amp;#039;re probably trying to empathize by implying that this mom is maxed out with responsibilities. But it comes across as condescending. &amp;quot;We may have to schedule therapy visits around soccer practices and might even know the receptionist at the hospital by name, but we&amp;#039;re doing what we must to survive\u2014just like parents of typically developing kids,&amp;quot; says Emily Vanek, who writes about her son&amp;#039;s special needs at ColoradoMoms.com. The best thing Vanek heard from a buddy? &amp;quot;&amp;#039;You&amp;#039;re doing a great job.&amp;#039; That made me feel like I was keeping it together enough for people to notice.&amp;quot; And instead of remarking on your friend&amp;#039;s stress levels, offer support. Joni Eareckson Tada, disabilities advocate and founder of Joni and Friends International Disability Center, suggests trying: &amp;quot;You have a group of friends\u2014me included\u2014who aren&amp;#039;t going to let you go through this alone. We&amp;#039;re here for you!&amp;quot; 2. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m sorry.&amp;quot;  While a sympathetic statement like this seems inoffensive, it can put the person you&amp;#039;re saying it to in a tough spot. As Vanek explains, &amp;quot;How am I supposed to answer that that? &amp;#039;Don&amp;#039;t worry&amp;#039;? &amp;#039;Thank you&amp;#039;?&amp;quot; Think of their child as any other. &amp;quot;I want my kid compared to everyone else&amp;#039;s kids and treated like his brothers and sisters who don&amp;#039;t have special needs,&amp;quot; says Mary Anne Ehlert, founder and president of Protected Tomorrows, an organization that provides support to families with special needs children. &amp;quot;Ask about the child&amp;#039;s friends or her hobbies. Or ask them for a playdate.&amp;quot; 3. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re lucky you have a normal kid too.&amp;quot; Along with &amp;quot;But he looks so normal!&amp;quot; this implies that there&amp;#039;s something wrong with your friend&amp;#039;s child. According to Marie Hartwell-Walker, a psychologist who works for the Massachusetts Department of Developmental Services and author of the upcoming e-book Tending the Family Heart When the Children Have Special Needs, this line negates the value of a child with disabilities. &amp;quot;Most parents love all of their children. They shouldn&amp;#039;t have to defend that love.&amp;quot; So offer to listen, but don&amp;#039;t try to solve what you deem to be a problem. &amp;quot;Most families embrace their child and find meaning in their relationship and experience. They usually welcome support, but they don&amp;#039;t need to debate family and friends who have an idea of the &amp;#039;right&amp;#039; way to think about it.&amp;quot; 4. &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;ll catch up.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;As a parent of a 4-year-old with the vocabulary of a 9- \u2013 12-month-old, hearing this is similar to nails on a chalkboard,&amp;quot; says Vanek. &amp;quot;He physically cannot speak. While I certainly hope he can someday, hearing that he&amp;#039;ll catch up doesn&amp;#039;t help, especially when we&amp;#039;ve had him in speech therapy for the past three years.&amp;quot; Children with intellectual disabilities will have many accomplishments, says Hartwell-Walker, but it&amp;#039;s unlikely they all will &amp;quot;catch up&amp;quot; to their typical peers. &amp;quot;When confronted with that statement, a parent has to explain what may be a painful truth.&amp;quot; Instead, suggests Ehlert, ask about their child&amp;#039;s unique abilities and interests. &amp;quot;What are her hobbies? What&amp;#039;s her favorite book?&amp;quot; 5. &amp;quot;You should take care of yourself so you can take care of him.&amp;quot; While it&amp;#039;s true that any mom needs to look after herself as well as her family, suggesting an unrealistic getaway or &amp;quot;me time&amp;quot; can be presumptuous\u2014and offensive. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;d love a trip to the spa or a week when I don&amp;#039;t have to coordinate hours of therapy around my family&amp;#039;s schedule,&amp;quot; says Vanek. &amp;quot;But it&amp;#039;s not realistic. And I don&amp;#039;t think I&amp;#039;m less of a parent for putting my child&amp;#039;s needs ahead of my own desire for a pedicure.&amp;quot; If you sense your friend can&amp;#039;t get away, offer to pick up some of the slack for her. Hartwell-Walker suggests that friends take on carpool duties, make meals now and then or babysit so that the parents can enjoy a date night. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s a clich\u00E9, but it really does take a village. Help without an expectation of reciprocity provides a family with much needed respite.&amp;quot; 6. &amp;quot;We&amp;#039;re only given what we can handle.&amp;quot; What you may intend as a compliment can come across as a meaningless platitude. Plus, &amp;quot;it implies that you&amp;#039;re supposed to be able to handle it,&amp;quot; says Ehlert. &amp;quot;But some days you can&amp;#039;t handle it. Some days you feel like you can&amp;#039;t go on any longer.&amp;quot; Saying something like this may even make your friend feel like she can&amp;#039;t discuss her worries and feelings with you because she&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;supposed&amp;quot; to be balancing everything well. Again, it&amp;#039;s better to lend an ear\u2014or give her a break. An offer to help your friend find a support group for parents of special needs children can be helpful as well, Ehlert says, so long as your pal seems receptive to the idea. 7. &amp;quot;Have you tried...&amp;quot;  Though you may be trying to help or show your friend you&amp;#039;ve taken an interest in the subject, suggesting treatments or medications can offend. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t care what you&amp;#039;ve read in a magazine or what your cousin&amp;#039;s hairdresser told you. Unless you&amp;#039;re living in my house, observing my child 24 hours a day, consulting the specialists we consult, doing the research we&amp;#039;ve been forced to do, you have no idea what you&amp;#039;re talking about,&amp;quot; says Terri Mauro, About.com guide to Children with Special Needs and mother of two kids with special needs. Tada suggests saying something like, &amp;quot;Any disability is a scary thing, but I want to work alongside you to find the best resources available.&amp;quot; 8. &amp;quot;Kids aren&amp;#039;t really autistic\u2013\u2013they just need discipline.&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;Autistic kids can&amp;#039;t control their emotions as well as others, and children with sensory disorders sometimes have big reactions to small changes or sounds,&amp;quot; says Vanek. &amp;quot;They can&amp;#039;t help it, and most times the parents can&amp;#039;t control it.&amp;quot; Instead of blaming moms and dads, recognize their strengths, advises Hartwell-Walker. &amp;quot;Parents of kids with special needs sometimes feel anxious, uncertain and exhausted. Acknowledge how well they&amp;#039;re parenting a child with challenging behaviors.&amp;quot; 9. &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s wrong with him?&amp;quot;  Michelle Turner, a mother of two children with special needs, has had everyone from grocery-store baggers to strangers in the library ask this in front of her kids. &amp;quot;I know that people want to know everything, but sometimes even the parents don&amp;#039;t have all the answers. It took our family three years to get a complete picture on my son&amp;#039;s wellbeing.&amp;quot; As Mauro points out, &amp;quot;I need to guard my child&amp;#039;s privacy; there are appropriate places and reasons to talk about his special needs, but &amp;#039;in public&amp;#039; and &amp;#039;because you&amp;#039;re curious&amp;#039; are not among them.&amp;quot; A better approach: Highlight the positives. Say, &amp;quot;Wow, he has such a great smile!&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;What a cute outfit!&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Statements like these will allow a parent a moment to be proud and talk about something special that they&amp;#039;re doing for their child,&amp;quot; says Turner. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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