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"Memo to Pretty Little Liars&amp;#x27; writing staff: If my booty cheeks are about as relaxed as a black woman&amp;#x27;s hair after she gets a perm, then you&amp;#x27;re not doing it right. I mean, c&amp;#x27;mon! It&amp;#x27;s the legendary Halloween special that us on #TeamPLL look forward to every season&amp;amp;#8212;and this year, the ball was totally dropped. Instead of chills, thrills, and scary moments, all we got was a glorified 60-minute infomercial for Ravenswood, which, if I&amp;#x27;m going to be honest, I wish I could do to that pilot what I do when someone suggests snacking on pizza bagels: Skip the step where I heat them up and eat them, walk over to my toilet, and flush the frozen bagels down the toilet. That&amp;#x27;s right, I didn&amp;#x27;t love Ravenswood either, but more on that later. First, we must deal with PLL and e&amp;#x27;erything that went down in the &amp;quot;Grave New World&amp;quot; episode leading up to the big, shocking reveal. Let&amp;#x27;s get to it, shall we? [WARNING: Spoilers ahead. So please stop reading if you haven&amp;#x27;t watched the Halloween episode and don&amp;#x27;t want to know what happened.] Ezra is looking more and more like &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; by the second. We open with all the Little Liars dressed up like characters out of Downton Abbey...except for my girl Emily, who is in a Dick Tracy-type costume. Pure foolery: The Liars approach the gate to the Ravenswood high-society party at the cemetery, and as they go inside, Em panics and says she can&amp;#x27;t do this because she&amp;#x27;s not ready to see Alison. Aria&amp;#x27;s like: and then all the girls go inside the cemetery. Meanwhile, Caleb is on a bus to Ravenswood. The only other person on the bus is a weird and creepy-looking dude sitting in the back: The girls are walking to the party when Hanna notices two little girls in red coats. Then Aria gets a phone call from Ezra. She answers and tells him she&amp;#x27;s in Ravenswood, which prompts him to tell her to be careful. She hangs up, and he walks his trifling ass from around the corner: Caleb is now asleep on the bus and this heifer named Miranda&amp;amp;#8212;but I refuse to call her that, so going forward she will be referred to as &amp;quot;Not Hanna&amp;quot;&amp;amp;#8212;is sitting next to him, which makes me react the way I do when there&amp;#x27;s only room for one person on the elevator and the woman in front of me is walking too slowly: Not only is Not Hanna all up in Caleb&amp;#x27;s George Foreman grill, but then she asks him if he has any food... Um, you do not roll up on a grown-ass man you do not know and ask him for a snack like he&amp;#x27;s a mom carpooling a bunch of chillrens from soccer practice. You should&amp;#x27;ve gone to the 7-Eleven by the bus station and for $7.99 Girl, get your life, learn how to prepare properly for a road trip, and get out his face. Turns out, Caleb agrees with me because he goes, &amp;quot;Why are you sitting next to me?&amp;quot; She explains that she&amp;#x27;s on her way to Ravenswood to meet her uncle, whom she&amp;#x27;s never met before. This info makes Caleb soften and they connect because he has the foster home background in common with her. When he digs deeper, she avoids talking about her past and gets up and steals a bag of chips from the weird sleeping guy in the back. Raise of hands if you&amp;#x27;re bored with her hunger: The Liars are in the tent at the party and they see a guy in a vintage military uniform talking to a blond. They think he might be Board Shorts, so Spencer leaves the girls to go over and spy on the conversation. Unfortunately, they stop talking before Spence can hear anything and as the girls go to follow Board Shorts, Hanna notices again two little girls in red coats. In summary, this is typical PLL, which is to say all of this is a whole lot of Em and Aria are walking away when Mrs. Grunwald snatches Em and asks her what she&amp;#x27;s doing at the party. Mrs. G tells her that she needs to leave now. I&amp;#x27;m like: Not Hanna goes to take the chips out of the sleeping guy&amp;#x27;s hand when he wakes up. She runs away: Aria is now outside the tent and walking through the cemetery when she hears a noise. I yell to the TV: She does not and a hand grabs her foot and she screams. Turns out it was the blond, Leah, who was talking to Board Shorts. She fell into a ditch and says that Board Shorts is her cousin, but he didn&amp;#x27;t push her into the ditch. Board Shorts comes over to check on Leah, and it&amp;#x27;s about as awkward as when I&amp;#x27;m on the train and think my boyfriend and his friend are going to let me have the last seat and a half for myself and my bags, but they decide to sit down: Caleb leaves Hanna a voice mail, asking where she is. Not Hanna is getting nosy. He tells NH that Hanna is his boo, and she&amp;#x27;s like, if you guys are having trouble, we&amp;#x27;ll both be on the same bus outta town a.k.a. she didn&amp;#x27;t give her uncle the heads up that she was coming. When Caleb expresses concern over that ridonkulous decision, she gets up and walks away: Spencer is giving Em a talking to for losing Aria and Hanna, who suddenly appear. Aria doesn&amp;#x27;t think that uniform guy is Board Shorts. Just then they see Red Coat, so they chase after her, hoping it&amp;#x27;s Ali, and enter a mausoleum. Red Coat isn&amp;#x27;t inside... ...which doesn&amp;#x27;t make any sense because that mausoleum is small. My confusion ends because the Liars attempt to see if there is a secret door and there is. They go inside it, and the secret door closes behind them. Em is scared, Spence is all like, &amp;quot;Relax, it&amp;#x27;ll be cool,&amp;quot; and that makes Em channel her inner Whitney Houston and say &amp;quot;How Will I Know&amp;quot; to herself and pray: It starts to get really windy inside the mausoleum, so the girls are hold hands in hopes of not being blown away. The wind dies down. When they open their eyes, they see Hanna is nowhere to be found and Aria is actually holding a marble statue&amp;#x27;s hand: UGH, I&amp;#x27;m so over these girls losing each other in the dumbest of ways. Seriously, Aria doesn&amp;#x27;t feel Hanna&amp;#x27;s hand leave her grasp nor hears a giant-ass marble statue scraping across the ground next to her? Anyway, Caleb goes over to Not Hanna (why) and is caring (why, the sequel) and she contemplates not seeing her uncle and getting off the bus. That is, until the creepy dude gets off that same stop, so she decides to stay on the bus and go to Ravenswood: Seriously, staying on that bus was a good call. Back inside the mausoleum, Hanna looks for the girls when she sees the words &amp;quot;Help me&amp;quot; written on a brick wall. The lights go out. She use the light on the phone and sees a bunch of mice. She runs away, goes up some stairs to a door, and opens it. Inside is an abandoned-looking living room. Hanna goes to investigate the house, and that&amp;#x27;s when A walks in the room: Not Hanna and Caleb walk to the entrance of Ravenswood. They swap numbers... ...she touches his face... ...and they go their separate ways. I hate all of this. It&amp;#x27;s #HalebForever! Hanna roams around the house and sees a phone booth. She goes inside, dials, and we see the door close behind her. The phone doesn&amp;#x27;t dial out, and she turns around and notices that she&amp;#x27;s stuck inside the booth. She looks out the frosted glass window and see a bunch of candles moving toward her, but then they disappear. Just then the phone rings and old-timey music starts playing: For real, who is this supposed to scare? This sequence of events is so underwhelming because we all know that she&amp;#x27;s not going to be harmed. The other Liars see Hanna&amp;#x27;s hat next to the &amp;quot;Help Me&amp;quot; sign. They bust a move to find her: Not Hanna enters what I believe to be the same house that Hanna is in. Then, moments later, the rest of the liars enter as well and blood drips from the ceiling and onto Spence&amp;#x27;s hand. Next, they hear screaming and what sounds like Ali talking. Spence takes off, and Aria and Em go to follow her, but she disappears: Spence was literally. Just. Right. There. And the girls can&amp;#x27;t keep up with her? Hanna looks at the window and sees what looks like Ali. Then Ali gets choked and taken away. &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; appears, and that&amp;#x27;s when Hanna goes to call someone. &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; disappears and the door to the phone booth opens. It&amp;#x27;s Not Hanna and Hanna has a look on her face like Not Hanna tells Hanna that this is supposed to be her uncle&amp;#x27;s house, but she hasn&amp;#x27;t seen him or anyone else inside it. They decide to team up to find the Liars and walk into a room full of coffins, so apparently Not Hanna&amp;#x27;s uncle was in the funeral biz. This is when we cut to a flashback of a Lil Not Hanna standing in the room next to two coffins. A man approaches her and tells her that she will be safe, it&amp;#x27;s what her parents wanted, and hopes she will forgive him. We cut back to the present: Not Hanna tears up, says she thinks that that was her uncle, and she can&amp;#x27;t understand why he left her. Hanna tells her that they will track down her uncle and get some answers. As they leave the room, Not Hanna sees a brochure and puts it in her coat pocket. My reaction to all of this: I can&amp;#x27;t be the only one annoyed at how much Not Hanna is getting in the way of the Liars&amp;#x27; story lines. Aria and Em enters a room with an open window. They decide to climb out of it to get help. As they lean out the window, it slides down toward their heads, but they don&amp;#x27;t notice. As they attempt to exit, they hear what sounds like Ali and turn around. That&amp;#x27;s when the glass window comes down: Spencer is by herself and walks into a greenhouse. She cuts her finger on a plant. When she turns around, she sees &amp;quot;A.&amp;quot; They fight. She hits him with some gardening sheers, and he falls down to the ground. She then reaches over AND DOES THE DUMBEST THING EVER AND TRIES TO TAKE OFF &amp;quot;A&amp;quot;&amp;#x27;S MASK, but he grabs her hand, shoves her back, and she bumps her head on something and passes out. &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; grabs the gardening sheers and stands over her: Caleb sees Not Hanna. They talk and then he sees Hanna. They hug. She tells him that she thinks &amp;quot;A&amp;quot; has Ali and that she lost the other Liars. They go back to the mausoleum, and Haleb try to open the secret door. Not Hanna sees her name and photo on the wall: Aria and Em discover Spence, and they hear screaming. They run and hear what sounds like Ali, so they follow the trail of the voice and go inside a room. It&amp;#x27;s just a tape recorder and it shuts off. Mrs. Grunwald walks in and tells them they shouldn&amp;#x27;t be in there: Anyway, she tells them that she&amp;#x27;s merely the caretaker for the house and that the tape was stolen six months ago. Finally, she mentions that she feels as though one of them has been touched by the one Ali fears the most: Not Hanna shows Caleb the brochure. There&amp;#x27;s a pic of the creepy guy from the bus on it. If he already died, how is he alive? Before we can figure that out, we learn that Hanna is going to meet up with the girls, which prompts Not Hanna to say that she&amp;#x27;s going to continue to look for her uncle on her own and walks away. Haleb kiss passionately. Then Hanna asks him to stay in Ravenswood and take care of Not Hanna and then come home: I am so done with show right now. Who wrote this mess?! No way in hell I&amp;#x27;d leave my boo with someone that cute. If she has all her teeth and no corns on her feet, then all my boo can do with a lady is: That&amp;#x27;s right&amp;amp;#8212;he can hand clap his behind away from her and back to my apartment. If, on the other hand, the woman is as busted as a broken vase during a high school house party and she&amp;#x27;s over the age of 55, they can do this: Not Hanna does not look like she lives on a steady diet of Boniva and Activa, so Hanna should not send Caleb off to keep her company. Big mistake, girl! Hanna sees the two girls in the red coats and they turn out to be little people. Relief, I guess? She finally meets up with the Liars, who don&amp;#x27;t have a spare tire to replace their flat one. Just then a car approaches. Ezra offers to give them a ride home: But the Liars can&amp;#x27;t hear me and accept his offer. He drops them off and drives away. The girls hear a twig snap and see who they think is Ali. They chase after her. It is her: I mean, didn&amp;#x27;t we establish during the summer finale that she&amp;#x27;s alive, so I&amp;#x27;m not sure why this is the big reveal. Am I missing something here? Moving on... Ali tells them that they have to help her before she can return to town full time. Before she can give them instructions, Ez comes around and gives Aria her cell phone: Go away, Ez! Finally, we end on Not Hanna and Caleb walking. They see a grave with his name and picture on it. That&amp;#x27;s it? That&amp;#x27;s the end? We already knew that Ali was alive, and I don&amp;#x27;t like Not Hanna. What was the point of this episode?! Somebody needs to reimburse the hour of my life I spent watching this show. I might have to break up with it, even though a small part of me wants to stick around for the winter premiere in January. Tell me what to do, readers. Alrighty, what did you think of last night&amp;#x27;s lackluster episode? Am I the only one who wasn&amp;#x27;t scared? Finally, will you be tuning in when the show returns to ABC Family on January 7 at 8 P.M./7 P.M. C."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/10/pretty-little-liars-recap-is-a>