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"FacebookPinterest\n\nEvery Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted on an unexpecting and undeserving American populace. It's like you're right there suffering with them. Except you're not.\n\nThis week: Dan Fierman and Alex Pappademas suffer through The Bounty Hunter, starring Gerard Butler's spare tire, Jennifer Aniston's gnawing desperation to be loved, and Atlantic City as itself.\n\nFierman: I'm warning you, I am REALLY grouchy about having to see this.\n\n Pappademas: Are you ready for some GREEN SCREEN DRIVING?\n\n Pappademas: This movie looks like it's made up entirely of reshoots.\n\n Fierman: Aaaannnddd five seconds in, we have our first nut shot. The gauntlet has been thrown, every other terrible movie ever. Top that.\n\nPappademas: Gerard Butler is The Bounty Hunter. But he gets cranky when he has to chase people. In no way is that joke going to get old.\n\n Fierman: Jennifer Aniston's character works at the Daily News? Um, I've been to the Daily News offices. This IS a fantasy.\n\n Pappademas: I'm going to make a movie called Powerful Lady With Important Ladyjob Walks Down The Hallway Talking, The Movie.\n\n Fierman: \"I have a date. A date every night until the end of time.\" JENNIFER ANISTON IS NOT SAD AND LONELY! THE MOVIE TOLD ME SO!\n\n Pappademas: She has a terrible life. I read about it in US Weekly. On the Terrible Life Chart, the deaf mute guy with no arms and no legs praying for death in Johnny Got His Gun is #1 and then Jennifer Aniston is #2 because John Mayer was mean to her.\n\n Fierman: If I wanted to watch a movie about Gerard Butler devouring breakfast tacos and drinking beer at 9 AM I'd have saved six dollars and just logged on to TMZ instead.\n\n Pappademas: He's not gonna eat those tacos BY THE BOOK!\n\n Pappademas: Stern black female judge? Not having it. A movie first!\n\n Fierman: Three small children just walked into the theater solo. I think better parents would have just chained them to a working radiator.\n\nFacebookPinterestIn a car.jpg\n\n Pappademas: So far there has not been one action scene in this film for which Boots Randolph's \"Yakety Sax\" would be an inappropriate soundtrack.\n\n Fierman: This movie makes a lot more sense if you imagine it as the E! Totally Made Up Hollywood Story of what Gerry Butler's life would be like if 300 had never happened.\n\n Fierman: Woman in front of us to the right is asleep. Or maybe dead. Hard to tell. Either one seems like a reasonable choice.\n\n Pappademas: Wait, the cop bar is called O'Douls?\n\n Fierman: \"Dunkin' Donuts. Sunset Park. Under the BQE. One hour.\" I CAN PLAY NYC LANDMARK MAD LIBS TOO! Shake Shack. Crown of the Statue of Liberty. The Bronx!\n\n Pappademas: Food Emporium. The Cloisters. Jews.\n\n Fierman: Al Sharpton. The Q Train. The Draft Riots.\n\n Pappademas: \"I've got a gun let's go to a Broadway show.\"\n\n Fierman: The geography in this movie is stunning. The Battery Tunnel leads to Atlantic City. The Verazano leads to \"the track.\" No word yet on what leads to \"the exit.\"\n\n Pappademas: Now playing: \"Hang Fire\" by the Rolling Stones. Which I bet was a crazy expensive music clearance. If you're paying that much, why not get something that isn't from fucking Tattoo You? You're spending the money anyway! At least ask for \"Shattered\"! IT'S AS IF THE MAKERS OF THIS MOVIE ARE NOT THINKING CAREFULLY.\n\n Fierman: Wow. The slam cut from Aniston's legs to horse legs at the track. Just...wow. Two thoughts occur:\n\n 1.Movies for women hate women more than any other kind of movie\n\n 2.Maybe Aniston's life REALLY IS that bad\n\n Pappademas: Checking, checking\u2014nope, my favorite misogynist horse-track scene is still the one in Crank 2. But thanks for playing, The Bounty Hunter! Good hustle out there!\n\n Fierman: I'm really unclear on what's the A plot and what's the B plot here. Jimmy the Snitch and the faked suicide? Gerry Butler's attempts to track down his ex-wife? The mystery of Jason Sudeikis' extremely fake-looking mustache? I'm baffled.\n\n Pappademas: I'm confused by the sheer number of zany/seedy underworld characters we've been briefly introduced to. I will bet you actual money that whoever wrote this script refers to Elmore Leonard exclusively as \"Dutch.\"\n\n \n\n Fierman: Wait, we're back in Atlantic City? And it is suddenly night? I'm totally lost.\n\n Pappademas: You know what needs to go into the Clich\u00E9 Vault for at least five years? The \"Dude, we're winning at craps!\" montage. It's the trying-on-different-outfits, head-shake, head-shake, THUMBS UP OH YEAH of gambling scenes.\n\n Fierman: Can we add Sinatra's \"This Town\" to that list? How about just casinos in general?\n\n Pappademas: Nobody ever plays Pai Gow in movies. I bet that shit is mad cinematic and we just don't know.\n\n Fierman: Butler is drunk again. Are we sure this isn't a documentary?\n\n Pappademas: He looks less drunk in this scene than he has in the rest of the movie.\n\n Fierman: Gerry Butler: not afraid to go \"method gut\" for the walking out of the shower scene.\n\n Pappademas: Do the showers in this hotel have something other than water in them? Because Butler doesn't actually look wet. He looks sort of oiled. Murphy's Oil Soaped. Pledged.\n\n Fierman: The Taser scene, from the trailer, gets the biggest laugh so far. Four half-hearted chuckles.\n\n Pappademas: What's the Chekhov quote? If there's a Taser on the table in the second act, we're going to see an actor make a stupid face in, um, the second act?\n\n Fierman: Does the Atlantic City Chamber of Commerce know about this movie? Why did they do nothing to stop it?\n\n Pappademas: I know! Atlantic City looks like Assburg USA in this. Which, in fairness, is what it actually looks like, but still.\n\n \n\n Pappademas: Jen Aniston totally tricks the pedicab driver by offering to show him her boobs and then straight up steals his pedicab, probably thinking the whole time, \"Whatever, I didn't want to be in that stupid Eat Pray Love anyway.\"\n\n Fierman: I'm not crazy, right? This wild car chase topped out at about the same speed that the pedicab sequence did?\n\n Pappademas: I like when Aniston uses her angry-squirrel voice.\n\n Pappademas: ROSS YOU CAN'T BRING THAT MONKEY IN THE COFFEE SHOP!\n\n Fierman: And Aniston cries. Just like I've been led to believe she does, alone, every night, in her gigantic Malibu mansion, surrounded by pictures of Brad Pitt and clippings of John Mayer's hair.\n\n Fierman: Uh oh. I think they might be rediscovering why they fell in love in the first place. I liked it better when they were Tasering each other.\n\n Pappademas: I would like this better if someone Tasered me. I would be okay with peeing myself if it meant I could be unconscious for a little while.\n\n Pappademas: Car chase was Midnight Run. Sneaking into snooty country club under false pretenses is Fletch. If they somehow get detention in the '80s this movie will basically be a whole afternoon of TBS in 98 minutes.\n\n Fierman: 98 minutes? Christ, you're an optimist.\n\n Pappademas: \"You wanna know every dirty little thing that goes on at a country club? You gotta ask the caddies.\" Gerard Butler is totally going to find out who threw that Baby Ruth in the swimming pool!\n\n Pappademas: OH SHIT GOLF CART CHASE!\n\n Fierman: Well, it was water trap or sand trap, I guess.\n\n Pappademas: Slow-moving vehicle (golf cart) careens into swamp. Checking, checking\u2014nope, does not remind me in any way of any movies I am currently watching.\n\n Fierman: Wait. They honeymooned in JERSEY? No wonder the marriage didn't work out.\n\n Pappademas: Okay. I don't want to go off on a rant here, but I'm suicidally bored so here goes: These movies, where the lady and the asshole guy have to pretend they're in love due to some plot contrivance, and then, who'd'a thunk it, they actually fall in love? I think they're toxic. Not just because they're almost always about actors with no chemistry, selected according to some Billy Beane-like box-office stats model, attempting to delude us into thinking they're Powell and fucking Loy. That's not it, although that's a huge problem too. I think women watch these movies where people who can't stand each other and actually treat each other really badly end up falling in love, and they expect life to conform to this model. That the guy you're meant to be with is the guy who treats you like shit all the time. And in real life, that guy? Not Gerard Butler. Not Ryan Reynolds. Not going to fall in love with you. Being an asshole because he is an actual asshole. Third-act twist? Not coming.\n\n Fierman: Amen, brother.\n\n Pappademas: I would also like to add that WOMEN BE SHOPPING.\n\n Fierman: And also SHOES!\n\n Pappademas: Blah blah FEELINGS!\n\n Fierman: \"Wait. You just said you made a mistake.\"/\"So did you.\"/\"A HUGE mistake.\" These lines were transcribed directly into the script from the CAA postmortem on Butler's career after 300.\n\n Pappademas: More dialogue from that CAA meeting: \"You're thinking with your dick! No dick-thinking!\"\n\n Fierman: Is this the fifth act?\n\n Pappademas: Putting this out there: You know what movie was a lot like this movie but now seems like a fucking smashterpiece by comparison? The Mexican. Brad Pitt wins again!\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n Fierman: I am honestly shocked it took until hour two to put Aniston in a strip club. As long as we're being serious for a moment here, has any actress gotten this much personal and professional mileage (which I guess are the same in Hollywood) out of being totally humiliated personally and sexually?\n\n Pappademas: Sasha Grey?\n\n Fierman: \"Actress\"?\n\n Pappademas: I'll thank you not to take the high hat with Dame Sasha Grey in my presence, Fierman. She is the Kate Winslet of people who've been punched in the throat while giving oral on film.\n\n Fierman: Gunshots! None of them aimed at either of the two stars, sadly.\n\n Pappademas: Based on what movies tell us about the world\u2014which is never, ever inaccurate\u2014how often do you think impounded money and/or cocaine gets stolen from the police evidence locker? Do you think it's 97% of the time, or more like 98%?\n\n Fierman: Apparently many climactic shootouts happen in evidence lockers, too. Without any cops noticing.\n\n Pappademas: JESUS SHIT THIS MOVIE. Aniston just got the upper hand in the big evidence-locker-fight scene by pulling a shotgun out of a conveniently-placed evidence box marked \"JR. GOTTI.\" Speechless. Can't even tyydhpe.\n\n Fierman: I love the \"Oh shit, we forgot about the Jason Sudeikis plotline that dominated the first half of this movie!\" cutaway we just had right there.\n\n Pappademas: What do you call this movie ending with the two lead actors in a holding cell? A GOOD START\n\n Fierman: I would rather sit through the entire Nimrod Antal filmography than watch this movie again.\n\n Pappademas: I would rather watch a special edition cut of Curly Sue that is as long as Solaris than see this movie again."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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