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"\n\nWe're not used to being apologized to. We're Americans. It's uncomfortable having a President who expresses contrition, let alone a corporate conglomerate who launches a painfully earnest four-minute long mea culpa for the be-speckled garbage discs they've been delivering to customers' doors since 1965.\n\nBecause really, Domino's, there's no need to apologize.\n\n Either your customers live in Fuckville, Nowhere\u2014those cities Obama kept mentioning during the SOTU last night where hard-working, but riddled with debt Americans rely on the fact that the Meatzza Delu is a stable and deliverable presence in their lives. Or they're people who live by coda of convenience\u2014who eat shitty pizza because there's a 2-for-1 deal hanging around their doorknobs, or just to fill the big, bottomless void. I mean, am I wrong in thinking that shittiness rarely factors into American purchasing decisions? Budweiser tastes like carbonated water mid with Grandma's foot cream, but hey, run a commercial with a few wise-cracking anthropomorphic frogs and it's the number one beer in America. Shitty is a marketable ironic badge. Have you been inside a Chili's lately? IT IS A YEASAYER CONCERT IN THERE.\n\n (Five or six years ago my parents and I ordered a Domino's pizza to our house in Minnesota. The moment my Mom opened up a mystery box of free brownie bites, she gasped and dropped them to the floor. Her first thought was that Domino's had sent a box of animal excrement. This is the pretense we're working with\u2014a company we automatically assume might deliver shit in a box as a joke. )\n\n But the four-minute commercial...what head-hanging compunctiousness! It maybe touched something in my feeling centers I had long thought dead? A bunch of billionaire Domino's ecs taking focus group criticism and expletive-studded tweets about their loathed pizza very, very seriously is much sadder than it sounds. (Though really, do you know anyone who would tweet about Domino's? Or do we agree that this was Domino's inventing its presence on online social media? Like: LOOK AT US! WE'RE A TRENDING TOPIC JUST LIKE \"MILEY SEX TAPE!\") During the last two minutes of the commercial, the powers that be offer customers a new Domino's experience, one of flavorful, food-like (as opposed to cardboard-esque) crust, a more savory sauce (40% more herbs! Statistics are so validating, you guys!) and unprocessed, MSG-free cheese. I corralled friends and countrymen last night to try this new foodstuff delight. These things can be depressing alone.\n\nFIRST IMPRESSIONS:\n\n Rahul: It looks exactly the same.\n\n Joe: It looks disturbingly speckled.\n\n Matt: I'm going to eat one.\n\n Martin: [FAKE VOM MOTION]\n\n Lauren: It's a little herby, right?\n\n Matt: No I think that's just in your mind. I think that's actually a scam.\n\n Lauren: Maybe I tasted what I wanted to taste.\n\n Martin: One good thing: there's less plasticity than usual.\n\n Joe: It's kinda like food.\n\n Chorus: Yeah.\n\n AFTER TEN MINUTES:\n\n Martin: The crust is pretty dope though.\n\n Joe: I'm about the garlicky crust.\n\n Lauren: But doesn't it taste like someone just sprinkled garlic salt on it before sending it out the door? I know, because this is my regular way of seasoning everything.\n\n Matt: Yeah, methamphetamines?\n\n Alex: The sauce at least has some more flavor. It tastes less like ketchup.\n\n Joe: It kind of tastes like mustard.\n\n Martin: Like Immanuel Kant said it's impossible to objectively judge the aesthetic value of food if you eat it when you're hungry.\n\n Lauren: Shut up.\n\n AFTER 15 MINUTES:\n\n Ellen: I feel significantly less bad than I have before after eating Domino's\n\n Lauren: Do you think maybe you didn't eat enough?\n\n Martin: This is unrelated but I've never had Domino's wearing a tie.\n\n Lauren: Who's having intestinal pogroms?\n\n Martin: I feel gross.\n\n Matt: I'm hungry and I'm not eating any more of it.\n\n Alex: I don't feel like I ate food. It's like when you swallow a lot of water in the shower.\n\n Matt: I have to say this really mirrors my disappointment with Barack Obama.\n\n Martin: Do you guys wanna order like some really expensive sushi?\n\n Chorus: YES.\n\n  Conclusion: Domino's is still gross. As gross as it's always been. But, wait, be happy! No one really wants to live in a world where Domino's makes good pizza."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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