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" Published in the May 2000 issue Mother&amp;#039;s Day? Why do you want to go and bring that up? I&amp;#039;m not happy that my boys is dead, don&amp;#039;t get me wrong, but i sure won&amp;#039;t miss having to celebrate another Mother&amp;#039;s Day. It just never worked out for us. The boys tried, my late husband tried, we all tried to have a good time, but it always ended with a grease fire. Hot oil and drinking don&amp;#039;t mix, baby. I learned that the hard way. --Virginia Landsky Once, I gave my mother a nice bottle of shampoo. I washed her boat, picked shit out of her gutters, and spent the entire day kissing her ass. She didn&amp;#039;t thank me or anything, so after that my attitude was basically, &amp;quot;Hey, fuck you. When they start calling it Bitch&amp;#039;s Day, you&amp;#039;ll get another present, but until then you can buy your own fucking shampoo.&amp;quot; --Jay Bullock My wife, Pat, enjoys gaming and hard liquor, so every year my daughter and I give her five hundred dollars and drive her down to Pokerhontas, the casino operated by our local Kickapoos. We used to wait outside in the car, but after last year&amp;#039;s all-nighter, we decided it might be best to just drop Pat off at the front door and have her call us when she&amp;#039;s sobered up and decided to act like a mother again. --Phil Spankey My daughter looked after my snakes when I went white-water rafting in the Ozarks with my parole officer, and that was present enough. --Maureen M. My mother is in her eighties, so for the past few years I&amp;#039;ve celebrated Mother&amp;#039;s Day by visiting the nursing home and clipping her toenails. I like to get involved and do something personal, but it breaks my heart to hear her say things like, &amp;quot;You ain&amp;#039;t a-clippin&amp;#039; me, faggot,&amp;quot; and, &amp;quot;Get the fuck away from my feet.&amp;quot; She never used to talk this way, and it depresses me. I think it&amp;#039;s something she&amp;#039;s picked up from the attendants, who generally have a pretty low level of education. --Rabbi Ben Golden I always tell my children to get me nothing -- and I mean it. They&amp;#039;re at an age when they don&amp;#039;t have much money, and I&amp;#039;m at an age when I don&amp;#039;t need to be cluttering up my house with a lot of cheap crap. --Sheila Champione Mother&amp;#039;s Day is just a sham invented and perpetrated by this country&amp;#039;s pot-holder industry. I personally don&amp;#039;t need a bunch of fat cats telling me when to appreciate my mother, so I ignore their holiday and honor my mother whenever I damn well feel like it, usually around the second week of August. --Kimberly Colgate After my mom finally died, people expected me to get all weepy and shit. I was like, &amp;quot;Hello, the woman was a complete and total asshole. What&amp;#039;s there to cry about?&amp;quot; --Jay Bullock Last month, my wife gave birth to twins. The doctor performed a cesarean, but the boys are fine. I videotaped the delivery and will give my mom a copy for Mother&amp;#039;s Day. She&amp;#039;ll flip! --Matt Cragmont My ferrets are my children, and every year they give Mama a nice tongue bath! --Janet Schatz I don&amp;#039;t know if it&amp;#039;s her age or what, but lately my mom is impossible to please. She wanted one of those battery-powered scooters all of her friends were riding around in, so last year I bought her a Rascal, which wasn&amp;#039;t cheap. Then she called, saying, &amp;quot;Well, it&amp;#039;s okay, but I wanted a Scamp, not a Rascal.&amp;quot; So I exchanged the Rascal for a Scamp, and then she decided that what she really wanted was a Jazzy. Turns out it had nothing to do with the quality--she just preferred the name. This year, she wants a reclining chair, so I sent her a check and told her to get it herself. --Mitch Stitchmore Now when Mother&amp;#039;s Day rolls around, I&amp;#039;m really into it. I&amp;#039;ll usually lie on the sofa, completely naked, drinking pineapple juice straight out of the can and eating big pieces of steak without properly chewing them. I do all the things the bitch never let me do back when she was controlling my life. I turn Mother&amp;#039;s Day into Jay&amp;#039;s Day, and I love every fucking minute of it. --Jay Bullock "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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