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"  When I was growing up, my father was distant and uninvolved with my life. When I became an adult, he said he wanted to have a relationship with me, so we went out to lunch and talked on the phone sometimes. Here&amp;#039;s the strange part: He spends a lot of time with a woman about the same age as I am, who appears to be his best friend. I don&amp;#039;t think their relationship is romantic, but my father is interested in everything she does he even tried to help her start a business by buying her an office space. If I asked him to help me start a business, he&amp;#039;d say he&amp;#039;s too busy. I&amp;#039;m hurt. Why doesn&amp;#039;t he want this kind of relationship with his own daughter? M.S., 31, Los Angeles I understand the impulse to figure out your dad&amp;#039;s contradictory behavior. On the one hand, he says he wants to &amp;quot;have a relationship&amp;quot; with you. On the other hand, he isn&amp;#039;t acting very much like a father, or even a friend. Rather, he&amp;#039;s behaving like an acquaintance with whom you share some history.   You draw a parallel between yourself and his friend her age, your dad&amp;#039;s paternal interest but I&amp;#039;m not sure there&amp;#039;s any connection. Just because she&amp;#039;s your age doesn&amp;#039;t mean she&amp;#039;s somehow occupying &amp;quot;your&amp;quot; place. Perhaps you&amp;#039;re making this comparison because you want to believe that your dad is capable of behaving in a paternal way toward someone, which means there&amp;#039;s hope that he can behave that way toward you.   Here&amp;#039;s the question: What kind of relationship do you want with your dad? Once you figure that out, you&amp;#039;ll understand better how to proceed. It may mean asking him questions that make him squirm. It may mean asking for help, and being told no, and feeling that sense of disappointment you had when you were a child and he was distant. Know, too, that he may not be capable of more than he&amp;#039;s giving you right now.   Perhaps your father needs to be schooled in how to navigate your new roles. He may well want a relationship with you but not know how to create something deeper, or how to relate to you as an adult. It&amp;#039;s scary, but I&amp;#039;d take his interest on faith. Ask him to dinner, the movies, or to teach you how to golf (What activities does he like? Do you even know?) and see what happens.   Award-winning writer Karen Karbo is the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living from Kate the Great. She&amp;#039;s also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Send your questions to her at: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019 or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com . Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/advice/a2441/hs-father-isnt-there/>