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"FacebookPinterest\n\nAfter doing the Twitter thing for a few years, getting a nice little following, and even giving unsolicited advice on how to grow your social following, I decided about a year ago to see what all of this Instagram business is about. The verdict: It's basically Twitter with pictures. It allows you to check out people's day-to-day activities, and also allows you to realize how many of your friends believe they're professional photographers because they used \"Valencia\" on a photo of a tree. My Instagram following is around 34,000 now; therefore, I'm qualified to dish out some Insta-advice. It isn't exactly rocket science, but so many people do it so totally wrong, it makes me sick to my butthole. If you want to be mad popular on some software on your phone, use these helpful tips to step up your Insta-game.\n\nDon't Post Unattractive Photos of Yourself\n\n Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. You're gonna want people to masturbate to your pictures. That's a given. Ladies, put on full makeup, fix your hair, put on a T-shirt with a large collar and \"Flashdance\" it off your shoulder, get in bed, and take a selfie like you just woke up. Write things like, \"Ugh. So tired.\" or \"This is my exhausted look.\" Add hashtags like #NoFilter or #BedHead. It really will lead people to believe you wake up looking good, and not like your usual bag of shit. Guys, if you have a decent body, we'd better never see you in a shirt. A great thing you can do is pick something adorable up, like a baby or a puppy, then casually flex your bicep. It'll make it seem like \"Oh hey, check out this baby,\" when you're really saying, \"Please look at my bulging arm, and also try to ignore the constipated look on my face because I'm flexing really hard while trying not to squeeze this baby to death.\" Plus, chicks will see you with something cute, and want to bang you. That's how sex happens.\n\nCelebrity Photos\n\n Post any and all pictures you have with you and a celebrity. We want to see you bumping fists with Guy Fieri in an Applebee's. Everyone does. Your personal stock will skyrocket if people know that you once met the dad from Alf in a Costco parking lot. Maybe you weren't able to get a picture with the Cybill Shepperd when you saw her pumping gas at a Shell, but you at least snapped that shot of the back of her head. Post that shit now. Remember, you are a worthless garbage person until you've taken a picture with a famous person.\n\nSelfies\n\n A must. You're not always going to have another person around, so you're gonna have to learn to do that shit yourself. For a full-body shot, you will need a head-to-toe mirror so everyone can see how good you look. But you can't come across like you're bragging; the picture must be subtle. Obviously you're taking the picture because you think it's flattering, but write something that has nothing to do with the picture, so your followers wont think you're narcissistic. Things like \"My father walked out on my family when I was 4,\" or \"Just got molested by my dentist.\" People will see your picture and think you look great for having been abandoned as a child or recently touched by your dentist. It's called \"strategy,\" people, look it up. If you have name-brand fancy shit, casually bring it into the picture so that your followers can see that your lifestyle is heads-and-shoulders above theirs.\n\nAnd if you're in high school, take lots and lots of full-body pictures. Trust me kids, this is the best your bodies are ever gonna look. It's all downhill from here. Soak it up.\n\nBeach Vacation Photos\n\n Your life is cooler than everyone else's, and when you go on an island vacation, that's your time to shove it down people's throats. If you don't take a picture of your feet while on a beautiful beach somewhere, you may as well walk out into the ocean and keep walking. If you order a fruity, frozen cocktail with an umbrella in it, you'd better Instagram it immediately. You should also convince one of the island locals to take a picture with you, because it will seem like you're a real people person. Even though the native islander most likely smells like a thousand landscapers trapped in a sauna, hold your breath, put your arm around him, and say, \"Cheese.\"\n\nWHATCHA EATIN'??\n\n Taking a picture of your food before eating it is the new saying grace. I want to see your food. My dogs want to see your food. We all want to see your food. Did you cook it yourself? At a restaurant? Taco stand? Show us your mother-effing food! We all want to picture you eating. It's such a great image. So hot! The idea that people used to sit down to have a meal without hovering over their plate taking photos is absurd to me. And guess what? When you're done eating, we all want to see your empty plate with nothing but smeared sauce and maybe even a gnarled-up bone. It'll make your followers feel like they just shared a meal with you.\n\nFollowing these simple instructions guarantees your life will appear much better than those of everyone who follows you--and isn't that what life is all about? Of course it is. You have my word--and if it doesn't work, I'll give you a full refund.\n\nJenny Johnson is a comedy writer living in Houston, Texas. Jenny once walked out of the movie Spice World because it wasn't spicy enough. Follow Jenny on Twitter at @JennyJohnsonHi5 and follow her on Instagram at jennyjohnsonhi5."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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