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"#Gladiators, I don&amp;#x27;t know about you, but watching Scandal has messed up my whole world. I&amp;#x27;m sitting over here, hours later, full of all kinds of feels&amp;amp;#8212;like a pinata that&amp;#x27;s stuffed with chocolate and Shonda &amp;amp; Co. are holding the stick and knocking the mess out of me. I mean, Shonda, do you want the Hershey&amp;#x27;s Kiss that bad? Why are you beating me to death with all these twists and turns? I can&amp;#x27;t function. My boo is trying to have sexy times, and I&amp;#x27;m all like, &amp;quot;Roll over, tuck your Don Johnson underneath your waistband like you&amp;#x27;re trying to steal a Christmas ham from the supermarket, and go to sleep because I do not have time for you right now.&amp;quot; The season premiere, titled &amp;quot;It&amp;#x27;s Handled,&amp;quot; did a number on me, thanks to the final, shocking moments of the episode. But before we discuss that, we need to start at the beginning: Let&amp;#x27;s get to it, shall we? The White House is trying to cope with the Olivia Pope leak. Little do they know that Fitz has a plan. We open with the White House in full crisis mode as the news that Olivia is Fitz&amp;#x27;s side piece is all over television. Then we jump to Liv in a car with Rowan. He&amp;#x27;s got the same &amp;quot;I&amp;#x27;mma cut you&amp;quot; look on his face that I have when my parents show pictures of me during my awkward phase to my friends they just met. She asks him why he tried to kill her, and he says that he tried to murder Captain Goose Down Pillow Lips and moved on with conversation like all he said was that he doesn&amp;#x27;t enjoy when the Ringling Bros. &amp;amp; Barnum and Bailey Circus comes to town. Turns out all the f**ks he has to give are directed at Liv because he tries to break it down that the media will destroy her because she spread her legs for a married man like jelly on an English muffin. She, of course, defends Fitz and says he wouldn&amp;#x27;t let that happen, and that&amp;#x27;s when Rowan loses it. He&amp;#x27;s heated because he feels like his daughter set her sights too low a.k.a. wanting to be Fitz&amp;#x27;s First Lady instead of something like the Secretary of State. Then he gets deep and reminds her that she has to be twice as good to get half of what everyone else has. #BlackParenting101. For real, hearing something on TV that my parents used to tell me all the time made me cry a single thug tear and go write an essay on Thurgood Marshall. Black dads do. Not. Play. Anyway, Rowan tells her that her staff will be taken care of financially, that her business will continue to run, and walks her to plane. He wants her to leave town for eight months. She asks, &amp;quot;What if I don&amp;#x27;t want to go?&amp;quot; He responds with, &amp;quot;You&amp;#x27;re getting on that plane come hell or high water, and to be clear, I am the hell or high water.&amp;quot; Oooh, this line has just ruined tons of kid&amp;#x27;s lives. Seriously, I just had &amp;quot;I am the hell or high water&amp;quot; tattooed on the inside of my fallopian tubes so that my future child can see that as he or she rides the luge through my body into my uterus. After being told off, Liv wisely gets on the plane and calls Cy to tell him what&amp;#x27;s happening. He wants her to get off the plane and promises not to destroy her because he&amp;#x27;s on her side. Liv, please don&amp;#x27;t believe this! This man is shady as hell and will lie you down on an asphalt driveway and back the Magic School Bus over you before taking students on a field trip to a planetarium. He is NOT your friend. Unfortunately, he manages to convince her to stay by saying that he will help her, but if she disappears, Fitz will think Cy had her murdered, and he needs the President&amp;#x27;s trust. She exits the plane and heads to OPA. Jeannine, the press secretary, is holding a conference and states that she will not answer any questions about the affair. Once she&amp;#x27;s done, she meets with Fitz, Cy, and VP Sally Langston in the Oval Office. Cy decides that Sally is going to take on this press stuff until he finds out who leaked the affair. She refuses to do this for religious reasons, and he yells at her about how Jesus didn&amp;#x27;t have a voter registration card, so her beliefs don&amp;#x27;t matter and she needs to build a bridge and get over Fitz&amp;#x27;s infidelity. Yeah, Jesus probably didn&amp;#x27;t have most cards&amp;amp;#8212;library cards, Apples to Apples playing cards, and Hallmark Cards&amp;amp;#8212;but that doesn&amp;#x27;t mean someone should act like He and his teachings are as obsolete as an AOL account. Cy, calm it the hell down/keep saying funny stuff like this. Anyway, those two argue, and Fitz asks everyone leave except Sally. He admits to stepping out on Mellie and apologizes. He says he&amp;#x27;s going to do a press conference and tell the truth. He just needs a little time, so he can talk to the people in his life before this goes public. Liv arrives at OPA and Huck has to rescue her from her car because there&amp;#x27;s paparazzi everywhere, trying to take pictures of her. She wants to move on and go back to work, but one by one, all her clients fire her. While this is happening, Harrison, being a loyal Gladiator, talks to the team and says they need to handle this case, even if she&amp;#x27;s waiting for the White House to do it. Back at the White House: Cy offers James a scoop if he gives Cy information about the leak. Ugh, James, I wish you knew that you are too good for that man. He sent Charlie, the hit man, to surprise you with a VIP pass to the grave like he was sending you a singing telegram because it&amp;#x27;s your birthday. Granted, Cy called it off, but the fact remains: He was thisclose to having you murderized and now he&amp;#x27;s trying to be all cute since you will hook him up. James says to investigate Malloy&amp;#x27;s because it&amp;#x27;s where all the Secret Service hang out, and there are trifling journalists there to get the gossip. Hours later, we see Mellie approach Hal and ask him if he talked to anybody at Malloy&amp;#x27;s. That&amp;#x27;s when we flash back and see that he did tell a journalist that Fitz was cheating, but we don&amp;#x27;t see him mention Liv&amp;#x27;s name. What the hell, Hal?! Your loose lips are like the damn iceberg that killed e&amp;#x27;erybody on the Titanic. Except the presidency doesn&amp;#x27;t have Celine Dion &amp;quot;My Heart Will Go On&amp;quot; to get them through it. All they have is your dumb ass giving out &amp;quot;Oops, I&amp;#x27;m sorry&amp;quot; looks to Mellie like an old man passing out Werther&amp;#x27;s Originals at Halloween. In short, you are useless. David visits Liv (Yay, they&amp;#x27;re friends again!) and asks if she&amp;#x27;s going to &amp;#x27;fess up or deny everything. Just then, OPA walks into her office and they turn on the news. We see a grainy video of the Fitz leaving Liv&amp;#x27;s apartment. Across town, Jeanine asks Cy what they&amp;#x27;re going to do, and he says: &amp;quot;Start a kill fire on Olivia Pope.&amp;quot; I&amp;#x27;m like: because this entire situation is like a beat-up Toyota Tercel, and I&amp;#x27;m going to need JC to take over before it crashes in a ditch somewhere. Back at OPA, Harrison calls Cy and says Liv can&amp;#x27;t go down for this. Cy tells him not to call again and hangs up. Then he meets with Jeannine to go over Liv&amp;#x27;s file. We learn that her mother died when Liv was 12, Rowan curates at the Smithsonian, and she has a history of dating older, powerful men. Cy has a slight change of heart and ends this meeting because he doesn&amp;#x27;t want to frame her as an ambitious slut. Liv is at home when Rowan pays her a visit. Again, she is asking about Pillow Lips, and he doesn&amp;#x27;t get into it as if to say, &amp;quot;I left all my cares about that man in the the dumpster behind an Arby&amp;#x27;s, so let it go.&amp;quot; He tells her that she needs to disappear because she&amp;#x27;s running out of options. She says she&amp;#x27;s not out of options, heads to OPA, finds a black folder, calls a special number, and then gives a password and gets into a black car. She heads to a private room, and Fitz is there. They say, &amp;quot;Hi.&amp;quot; Um, this is a lot to go through to see your boo. If it&amp;#x27;s snowing and there&amp;#x27;s construction on the weekends, which makes my express train run local, I straight-up tell my boyfriend, &amp;quot;See you after the winter&amp;#x27;s thaw. Until then, have fun with that pack of Hanes socks I bought you last week.&amp;quot; But not Olitz. Come Rowan or high water, they will find a way to see each other. Inside the private room, Fitz is pissed that she called the alarm because she can&amp;#x27;t be protected anymore. Liv doesn&amp;#x27;t care because they need to make a plan...with Mellie, who walks in the room. The First Lady is mad as hell, rightfully so, and calls Liv a whore. Liv asks her not to call her that to her face. I get that the &amp;quot;W&amp;quot; word stings like a mosquito bite, but having your husband bang some other woman, who used to be your friend, pretty much feels like a 1,000 bumble bees attacking, so Liv, put some ice on your hurt feels and thank your lucky stars that Mellie has not Chun-Li kicked your ass in a shipping crate. Moving on, Fitz thinks they should reclaim the narrative: He and Mellie do a press conference at the Rose Garden, then do an exclusive interview with James on TV, and then Liv will release a press statement about how she made a mistake, etc. Mellie&amp;#x27;s reaction: a.k.a. she will snatch Fitz&amp;#x27;s S curl off his head and use it as a makeshift Swiffer duster on her bookshelf before she stands by him with this press charade after all the lies, cheating, and the time he called Liv&amp;#x27;s name out during sex. So Liv and Mellie make an adjustment. They agree to say that he and Liv slept together only twice: once the night of the inauguration and once after he was shot. Fitz says he won&amp;#x27;t lie, and Mellie threatens to ruin his life, so they agree to this plan and Mellie storms out before she starts to ugly cry. Side note: Emmy voters, go ahead and give Bellamy Young an Emmy nomination based off this scene alone. She is astonishing as a woman scorned and should be recognized for it. Now back to Olitz. He says he&amp;#x27;s not fine and asks how she is doing. She says she&amp;#x27;s fine, but she&amp;#x27;s lying. He takes off his jacket and walks over to her and hugs her. Liv hugs him back and she starts crying. She breaks away and leaves. Later, Fitz meets with Sally and says that he and Mellie are going to weather the storm and he wrote a speech, confessing the truth. She tells him her husband is having more fun now that he moved to D.C., which to me means that maybe her man is cheating on her, but who knows? Fitz tells her that after his speech, she should condemn him so she can be the moral center of the party. She complies but wants to know why he&amp;#x27;s helping her. He says, &amp;quot;Because we&amp;#x27;re not married to one another.&amp;quot; Damn, I have not seen that #RealTalk on anyone&amp;#x27;s Pinterest about weddings. I just see a whole lot of white dresses and Burger King-esque tiaras. Mellie bursts into Cy&amp;#x27;s office and says they can&amp;#x27;t do the press conference because she has a plan and the information about the affair needs to come from the outside. Cut to OPA: There&amp;#x27;s a disc on the desk. They&amp;#x27;re anxious about going through with their scheme, and that&amp;#x27;s when Harrison asks the million-dollar question: &amp;quot;Are we gladiators or are we bitches?&amp;quot; They say they&amp;#x27;re gladiators, and I have to give my chocolate beignet Harrison some props. I love how he stepped in immediately to save Liv. At the White House, Jeannine is talking to some reporters, and there&amp;#x27;s a clip of her being drunk and saying Fitz is hot, which is duh.com. If you have eyeballs and blood running in your veins, you will recognize that Fitz is gorgeous. That&amp;#x27;s not enough proof that she slept with the man, but that&amp;#x27;s no matter because the media is running with the story and dug up emails where she talks about her feelings for the President. Sally is pissed, Cy promises Jeannine that she will be taken care of by the White House. Ha! Yeah, right! Her life just got broken down like an improper fraction. It&amp;#x27;s lights out for you, gurl! Liv heads over to OPA and asks her team, &amp;quot;What did you do?&amp;quot; And Fitz is just as pissed over at the White House because he storms into the Oval Office. Mellie&amp;#x27;s there and tells him that neither she nor Cy will stand by him. Fitz doesn&amp;#x27;t understand why she&amp;#x27;s on #TeamCy and is going with his plan to ruin Jeannine&amp;#x27;s life, and that&amp;#x27;s when she gleefully lets him know that this was her plan and it was inspired by him because he&amp;#x27;s the one who leaked Liv&amp;#x27;s name&amp;amp;#8212;because he&amp;#x27;s idealistic enough to think after he does the press conference with Mellie that everything would eventually be smoothed over and he could get Liv in the White House. Wait...what?!?! I don&amp;#x27;t believe this for one sec&amp;amp;#8212;but that&amp;#x27;s when we see the flashback of him telling Tom to leak Liv&amp;#x27;s name to that chick at the bar with Hal. I...cannot...is this real life?! FITZ, YOU LEAKED LIV&amp;#x27;S NAME?! HOW COULD YOU AND THEN DO THIS: Listen, white man, the final key to obtaining entry inside a black woman&amp;#x27;s circle of trust is to get up close and personal with her Luster&amp;#x27;s Pink Oil Moisturizer hair lotion. And clearly, you&amp;#x27;re all up in the damn circle, sniffing her scalp like a basset Hound trying to detect where that scent of Kibbles &amp;#x27;n&amp;#x27; Bits is coming from. How you gonna let her cry on your shoulder like that when you&amp;#x27;re the reason for her tears? I&amp;#x27;m through with you, Fitz! Back to Mellie and Fitz: Just when she thinks she has gotten the best of him, he lets her know that the first step in his plan was not leaking Liv&amp;#x27;s name, but it was resting his head in her lap, pretending to care about her forgiveness. Oh. Damn. He continues to let her know that this is war, he&amp;#x27;s determined to be with his baby, and he wanted to free Liv from Mellie&amp;#x27;s control by leaking the name first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I take back everything I just wrote in the previous paragraph. Sniff away on the pink oil, Fitz. We return to OPA, where Harrison assures her that the press secretary leak was the right thing to do because Liv needed to be preserved, but Liv cuts him off because they have a new client: Jeannine. We end on Cy arriving home: Charlie drugged James and forces Cy to go with him. They go to a secret room. Rowan needs Cy to look at the non-redacted file about Mission Remington, the mission that Fitz and Jake flew while in Iran. Cy opens the file and reads and lets out an &amp;quot;OMG.&amp;quot; Roll credits. And cut to me, balled up on the floor, ruined from the emotional wreckage that is this show. Shonda &amp;amp; Co., you&amp;#x27;ve done it again. I bow down. Finally, as is tradition with these recaps, I&amp;#x27;m ending it by giving the Kerry Washington Lip Quiver Quotient (you can read the LQQ explanation here) for the episode. The fact that Fitz is the one who leaked Liv&amp;#x27;s name and Rowan ripped her a new arsehole means that the &amp;quot;I Showed Up to a Friend&amp;#x27;s Housewarming Party and Everyone Brought Presents While I Just Came With a Bag of Ruffles and a Car Freshener That I Clearly Got From the 7-Eleven Around the Corner&amp;quot; lip quiver was used: which is the lip quiv for those moments when you realized you done f**ked up at the same time that life screwed you over. Keep your head up, Liv! Alrighty, what did you think of last night&amp;#x27;s premiere? Were you as stunned as I was when Fitz declared war on Mellie?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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