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"  James Dolan becomes CEO of Cablevision. The long-shot candidacy of a recovering addict known to &amp;quot;treat people like shit&amp;quot; gains momentum when it is remembered that his father founded and controls the company.  Cablevision pays $650 million for ITT&amp;#039;s 50 percent stake in Madison Square Garden, the New York Rangers, and a certain basketball team that&amp;#039;s about to enter a world of pain.  June: The overachieving Knicks, despite being an eight seed, somehow make the NBA Finals. They lose to a superior San Antonio Spurs squad and it quickly becomes clear what the team is missing: the basketball expertise of James Dolan. August: Former Detroit Piston Isiah Thomas purchases the Continental Basketball Association. Already in existence for over 50 years and now under the control of a basketball legend, the CBA looks forward to a bright future. October: James Dolan becomes Chairman of Madison Square Garden. Will he be the man to help the Knicks take that final step to their first title since 1973? Only time will tell.   June:  With fifty regular season wins and a third-round loss in the playoffs, the Knicks have a solid year, one that serves as a high-water mark for the team&amp;#039;s performance this century. July:  Isiah Thomas becomes coach of the Indiana Pacers. The CBA goes on the backburner. Eh, they&amp;#039;ll be fine. September:  The Knicks trade future Hall of Fame center Patrick Ewing for Luc Longley (which is Australian for &amp;quot;I plan to play 25 games before retiring&amp;quot;).   February:  Having benefited immensely from the Thomas touch that Knick fans will soon come to treasure, the CBA declares bankruptcy. April:  You know what pro athletes don&amp;#039;t discuss enough? Jews! Knick point guard Charlie Ward does his part to ameliorate this shortage, musing about their role in Christ&amp;#039;s death (apparently, they caused it) before bringing the conversation into modern times by noting, &amp;quot;There are Christians being persecuted by Jews every day.&amp;quot; Inspired by this theological display, the Knicks go on to lose in the first round of the playoffs in a truly nightmarish series. (Midway through, center Marcus Camby&amp;#039;s sister is taken hostage by a knife-wielding ex-boyfriend who allegedly sexually abuses her in front of Camby&amp;#039;s mother and other sister.) It is the Knicks&amp;#039; worst playoff showing in 10 years. May: Strangely, Jewish groups fail to be appeased by Charlie Ward&amp;#039;s defense of his statements: &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t mean to offend any one group because that&amp;#039;s not what I&amp;#039;m about. I have friends that are Jewish. Actually, my friend is a Jewish guy, and his name is Jesus Christ.&amp;quot; So suck on that, Jews! July:  Operating under the management theory that if you pay a player like Michael Jordan he will play like Michael Jordan, shooting guard Allan Houston receives a six-year, $100 million contract. This proves totally wrong, as Allan goes on to miss ninety-seven games during its first four seasons before retiring completely for the final two, earning $432,900 per game played. (Kobe Bryant&amp;#039;s per game played rate last season: just over $230,000.) Meanwhile, as a witness in a trial, Patrick Ewing testifies about receiving a pair of complimentary blowjobs at the Gold Club strip joint while a member of the Knicks. Having recently traded Ewing, the franchise takes solace in knowing surely they will never have such a humiliating courtroom experience ever again. October:  Co-captain (and maker of the most famous four-point play in league history) Larry Johnson retires. &amp;quot;Larry was the embodiment of everything I believe in -- hard work and playing at your best when the best was needed,&amp;quot; Knick coach Jeff Van Gundy says. December:  Realizing L.J. may be on to something, Van Gundy unexpectedly abandons New York. Replacement Don Chaney boards the Titanic.   January:  &amp;quot;For a guy who spends nine-to-five holding the reins of power at two successful businesses, Jim Dolan knows how to kick out the jams.&amp;quot; So proclaims the official Website of the band JD &amp;amp;amp; The Straight Shot, featuring the vocals and rhythm guitar of a certain MSG executive. April:  Apparently the Knicks aren&amp;#039;t one of those successful businesses, as they finish 30-52 and miss the playoffs.   April: Isiah leads the Pacers to a third-straight first-round playoff defeat. He is denied the chance to make it four in a row when Larry Bird, the Pacers&amp;#039; new president of basketball operations, fires him (which is surprising, since Isiah had once famously praised his Caucasian pal as &amp;quot;just another good guy&amp;quot;). He takes solace in knowing the Pacers did better than the Knicks, who finish 37-45 and watch the playoffs from home.  December: Take that, Larry Legend! Dolan names Isiah the Knicks president of basketball operations, replacing the embattled Scott Layden. Meanwhile, Dolan and his father feud over a satellite offshoot of Cablevision (yes, apparently even they don&amp;#039;t like each other).   January: The Knicks hire Lenny Wilkens as head coach. Wilkens is a Hall of Famer, one of the classiest men in the league. Speaking of class, the Knicks decline to share this information with incumbent coach Don Chaney, who shows up for an evening game and is informed his seat on the bench is occupied by someone else. Isiah also acquires point guard Stephon Marbury from Phoenix, forcing the Suns to make due with future two-time MVP Steve Nash. On a final note, friend to the Jews (specifically, the ones named Jesus) Charlie Ward goes to the Suns, who promptly waive him. Well, at least he has more time for synagogue. April: The Knicks finish 39-43. Luckily, they play in the utterly crap Eastern Conference and still make the playoffs, despite a losing record. Four straight losses to the Nets and their star point guard Jason Kidd quickly ensure all is again right with the universe.  December: Stephon Marbury declares, &amp;quot;I think I&amp;#039;m the best point guard to play basketball.&amp;quot; Jason Kidd responds by leading the New Jersey Nets to victory over the Knicks for the seventeenth time in twenty games.   January: Lenny Wilkens flees the Knicks. He has not coached since. Herb Williams takes over as head coach.  April: Best point guard to play basketball Stephon Marbury inexplicably fails to make the playoffs as the Knicks finish 33-49. July: The six-month old Herb Williams era comes to an end when Larry Brown signs a five-year deal worth at least $50 million. Sure it&amp;#039;s pricey, but wherever Larry goes, teams get better. You can bank on it. September: JD &amp;amp;amp; The Straight Shot release debut album Nothing to Hide, boasting a sound perfect for anyone who likes Jimmy Buffett, but thinks he isn&amp;#039;t enough of a pussy. Ominously, Dolan&amp;#039;s Website bio notes, &amp;quot;This is his first professional effort. It definitely will not be his last.&amp;quot; October: The Chicago Bulls get in a standoff with rising star Eddy Curry over what they fear could be a potentially fatal heart condition. The Knicks aren&amp;#039;t bothered by such matters and acquire him for a first-round draft pick. December: Stiffed on a bet by Malik Rose, 5&amp;#039;9&amp;quot; Knick Nate Robinson attempts to collect payment by tackling his nude teammate in the shower (picture the Eastern Promises&amp;#039; sauna fight, only with fewer stab wounds and more reporters listening). He never explains where he thought the stark-naked forward might be keeping the money.   January: Fearing the &amp;quot;overall health of the Garden was in jeopardy&amp;quot;, James Dolan fires his senior vice president of marketing, Anucha Browne Sanders, without bothering to talk to counsel or look at a report on the investigation of her claims of sexual harassment by Isiah Thomas. Problem solved! February: Shower-warrior Nate Robinson takes advantage of a remarkably stupid rule to miss fourteen dunk attempts in a row, yet still win the NBA Slam Dunk title. The display proved that the only thing more painful than watching the Knicks in the regular season is observing them during All-Star festivities. Speaking of which, the Mavericks thumped the Knicks by twenty-eight points, bringing the team&amp;#039;s losing streak to ten. April: The Knicks beat Cleveland by two to avoid a second ten-game losing streak. They finish 23-59 and miss the playoffs with a vengeance (the Chicago Bulls send a very nice thank-you note for the lottery pick). On the plus side, Eddy Curry didn&amp;#039;t die.  June: The Knicks fire savior Larry Brown. This time president of basketball operations Isiah Thomas finds a perfect head coach: president of basketball operations Isiah Thomas! With the new coach at his side, James Dolan tells reporters, &amp;quot;At this time next year, Isiah will be with us if we can all sit here and say that this team has made significant progress towards its goal of eventually becoming an NBA championship team. If we can&amp;#039;t say that, then Isiah will not be here.&amp;quot; October: Larry Brown fails to collect the remaining $40 million on his contract in full. Instead, he accepts a mere $18.5 settlement, or a total of $28.5 million for a single year of dealing with Isiah. In Knick world, this counts as a victory. December: Dolan announces he will not decide if Isiah deserves a contract extension until after the season. Later this month, the Knicks will take part in a blowout loss -- nothing unusual so far -- that turns into a brawl highlighted by Denver Nugget Carmelo Anthony&amp;#039;s infamous sucker punch and run-like-hell-before-they-hit-you-back fighting style. Seven players will receive a total of forty-seven games in suspensions and each team gets a $500,000 fine...yet Isiah eludes punishment for ordering the hard foul that caused the chaos. (Apparently, &amp;#039;Melo&amp;#039;s not the only one with a knack for getaways.)   March: Saying that the Knicks&amp;#039; record of 29-34 is something that &amp;quot;needs to be recognized now,&amp;quot; James Dolan gives Isiah an early contract extension.  April: Inspired by Dolan&amp;#039;s timely recognition, the Knicks surge to a 4-15 finish, for an overall record of 33-49 and no playoffs. June: Dolan and Isiah savor the &amp;quot;significant progress&amp;quot; after one year of hard work together. July: Apropos of nothing, Stephon Marbury declares he wants to go to Italy: &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not just thinking of doing it, I&amp;#039;m going to do it. My wife loved it there. It&amp;#039;s like a Beckham thing.&amp;quot; No word on if he plans to bill himself as the greatest point guard on the planet east of Naples. September: Rather than settling out of court, the Knicks shrewdly take Anucha Browne Sanders to trial. They wind up being ordered to pay her $11.6 million -- yes, she reportedly had been asking for only six million originally -- but not before the world learns: \u2022 The woman who complained about Isiah Thomas&amp;#039; allegedly unprofessional behavior got fired. \u2022 The incredibly professional intern who banged Stephon Marbury&amp;#039;s cousin before banging the married Stephon (&amp;quot;He asked me am I going to get into the truck and I got in.&amp;quot;) received a promotion. \u2022 The Garden is in no way a hostile work environment for women, despite the fact Stephon openly called Anucha a bitch. (In fairness, they are both black, which is consistent with Isiah&amp;#039;s racial-profiling policy when it comes to using the b-word.)  \u2022 With millions of dollars and the reputation of his franchise in the balance, James Dolan couldn&amp;#039;t be bothered to put on a suit for his deposition. \u2022 Dolan declared under oath that Isiah&amp;#039;s done &amp;quot;quite a good job,&amp;quot; laying groundwork for a future insanity defense.  October: A half-hour infomercial airs for the new season. Titled &amp;quot;The Knicks Experience,&amp;quot; it urges fans to get season tickets for reasons ranging from the underwhelming (Madison Square Garden is conveniently located) to the questionable (they feature &amp;quot;the leadership&amp;quot; -- and rolling pleasuredome that doubles as a truck -- of Stephon Marbury). It ends with Isiah Thomas looking at the camera and declaring, &amp;quot;Make no mistake, we&amp;#039;re coming.&amp;quot;  Be very afraid. Illustrations by Gustavo Gonzalez "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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