<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"  The Nine Circles of Relationship Hell Sure, Dante put his sodomites, sowers of discord, and corrupt politicians into various circles of Hades, but where would he put drunk dialers? This month&amp;#039;s letters provide us with an Inferno update.   CIRCLE I: The Limbo-ettesDear E. Jean: I don&amp;#039;t know where I stand with this particular guy, so I ask you once and for all, is it better to act affectionate and risk being hurt? Or to be aloof and play hard to get?\u2014Mad Maud Mad, my darling: Both. P.S.: The trick is to be so subtle that even you are not certain which you&amp;#039;re doing.   CIRCLE II: The LustiesDear E. Jean: Sex with my husband (we&amp;#039;ve been married a year) is so routine that given the choice, I&amp;#039;d rather work on my thesis. So today (after a margarita), I asked what his favorite sex fantasy was-I thought it&amp;#039;d be something we&amp;#039;d enjoy acting out. He said, &amp;quot;Two girls at once.&amp;quot; Blech. I thought I&amp;#039;d married someone special, and it turns out he&amp;#039;s just another guy from the Penthouse Forum! I&amp;#039;m so turned off! From now on I feel like just pursuing my career and having sex with people who can actually enrich my life. What should I do?-Not Fantasizing in DE Notty, hunny: But of course he said two girls, you delicious half-wit! The goal of fantasy is mind-blowing whoop-whoop, not old-lady entertainment. So put down your books, Dr. Thesis, and ask the Hub how his &amp;quot;two girls&amp;quot; are attired, put on a similar outfit, and play. Or pit your nerve, cunning, and charm against his (this is how to enrich life!) and tell him your fantasy.   CIRCLE III: The GluttonatasDear E. Jean: I&amp;#039;m 30 and admit to being a bit obsessive when it comes to men. Three months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and made it clear he did not want me anymore. Since then, I&amp;#039;ve gone through various stages: Being Mad (sending hostile e-mails); Being Adorable (sending cute handwritten notes); Pretending to Be Friends (so I can win him back); etc. Last week, after he said he didn&amp;#039;t even want to be friends, I proceeded to go out, drink waaay too much, and call him and ask if I could come over to be with him one last time. (Mind you, it was a weeknight at 2:30 a.m.) He said it was &amp;quot;never going to happen&amp;quot; and that I was &amp;quot;freaking [him] out.&amp;quot; I hate myself! How can I make that my last crazy phone call?-Glutton for Punishment Poor, poor Glutton: Designate a friend to receive all crocked calls or, when you get that urge, dial your own machine (you&amp;#039;ll be flummoxed by how silly you sound). Because it&amp;#039;s a matter of simple arithmetic: All love affairs come with calling plans (just like Verizon). You start with 27 points. Every time you call the guy, three points are subtracted from your score. Every time the guy calls you, two points are added to your total. Okay? Now, if you drunk-dial him, you annihilate 10 whopping points off your total. If he drunk-d&amp;#039;s you, 13 extra points light up your scoreboard (and Fenway Park-grade fireworks go off). The love affair is over when you hit zero. I don&amp;#039;t know why, but this works.  E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  CIRCLE IV: The GreedheadsDear E. Jean: I live in Las Vegas and am currently seeing a smart, good-looking man who says he&amp;#039;s rich. He wants our romance to go further. Before I make a commitment, how can I be sure he&amp;#039;s as wealthy as he says he is? I know this sounds calculating, but I&amp;#039;ve been burned before. When they say &amp;quot;What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas,&amp;quot; they&amp;#039;re really talking about all the con jobs.-Not So Clueless  Clueless, you young trollymog: Do what America&amp;#039;s wealthiest families do and hire a lawyer to check his financials. If you can&amp;#039;t afford one (or one of those Internet search outfits like PrivateEye.com), Google the chap (people with money tend to appear in the business and social pages of newspapers); ask about his charity work (rich people give money to causes); check his county clerk&amp;#039;s office for his marriage/divorce records or property deeds/liens. Finally, consider his wardrobe. If he&amp;#039;s a flashy, expensive dresser, he&amp;#039;s most likely a poor chump pretending to be rich.  CIRCLE V: The WrathbitchessesDear E. Jean: I gave my boyfriend my picture in a beautiful new frame. He told me he&amp;#039;s considering removing my photo, putting it in an old frame, putting another picture in the new frame, and hanging it on the wall! I got extremely upset, to say the least! I said it was a combined gift, not a frame and an optional picture. He said he can do whatever he wants. I spent several hours on the phone explaining simple etiquette, and he still doesn&amp;#039;t get it! He says I&amp;#039;ve killed the spirit of the gift and now he wants to return all the presents I&amp;#039;ve ever given him. We&amp;#039;re close to ending the relationship over this. Amazing, I know!-Social Enigma  My dear Social: He&amp;#039;s a moron. But who&amp;#039;s the person in the frame the two of you are fighting about? 1. A huffy little dingbat who spends &amp;quot;hours&amp;quot; harping about &amp;quot;etiquette&amp;quot;? 2. Or just a sulky twit who&amp;#039;s trying to mount her boyfriend on the wall? Either way, Ducky, I can see somebody&amp;#039;s gonna be miserable her whole life unless she stops trying to control boyfriends she can&amp;#039;t control. Hell, just be happy he liked the gift enough to mess with it.  CIRCLE VI: The HereticsDear E. Jean: How do I get guys to notice me? I&amp;#039;m 5&amp;#039;7&amp;quot; with legs to my ears and pretty. I smile, flirt, etc., but no takers! What does it require?  E. Jean Answers: It requires nothing more than a sly compliment, a laugh at his joke, a saucy &amp;quot;oh, I&amp;#039;m putty in your hands!&amp;quot; Stun a man with his own perfections and that man is yours.  CIRCLE VII: The ViolentosDear E. Jean: My boyfriend is such a bad driver, last month he ran over my foot. If that wasn&amp;#039;t enough, he got drunk recently and threw a dill pickle at me. It hit me in the eye, and I had to go to the doctor. Now he won&amp;#039;t even pay the doctor&amp;#039;s bill. Should I move on and try to find a guy who will at least throw muffins?\u2014One-Eyed Jacqui  Jacqui, sweetness: If anything&amp;#039;s being thrown, it should be Mr. Pickle&amp;#039;s inebriated posterior...right out the back door. The worthless cad! Move on.  CIRCLE VIII: The Big Fat FraudsDear E. Jean: I&amp;#039;ve been dating a guy for two years. We spend every single weekend together and love each other. We also see each other during the week. It&amp;#039;s fabulous. Except I just found out that ALL his online dating site accounts are still active and he logs on to each one once or twice a week. How do I confront him and get the truth? Should I break up with him?\u2014Curious  Miss Curious: Ha! You&amp;#039;ve stumbled onto the most heinous secret of online dating. Since I founded GreatBoyfriends.com, I&amp;#039;ve become hyperaware; it&amp;#039;s a HUGE problem. People can become addicted to the excitement of seeing who&amp;#039;s checking them out. And they can&amp;#039;t stop logging on. I suspect your boyfriend falls into this category. So yes, the poor bugger needs to be confronted, but not with one of those grim &amp;quot;I thought we were a couple&amp;quot; convos. No. Rather, update your own profile. Make it roguish and irreverent. Change your picture to one that is four times as gorgeous as you normally look (this could require major hair and makeup, but so what?). Then send him a saucy note about how you, like, rilly love his profile and think he&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;hott! LOL!&amp;quot; Attach his favorite photo of the two of you, but Photoshop him out of it. I promise he&amp;#039;ll get the picture. Then when you see him in person, ask him to take down his profiles. P.S.: If he wants to log on to something, tell him to sell stuff on eBay, watch his stocks, or check out his horoscope at ELLE.com.  CIRCLE IX: The TraitorinesDear E. Jean: My new husband&amp;#039;s family is loaded; mine is solid middle class. He and I took great pride in planning and paying for our own small wedding and saved up for a very budget-minded honeymoon to Rome. On our wedding day his parents gave us a card that said, &amp;quot;A little bird told us you could use some help with your honeymoon.&amp;quot; The card contained a check for $10,000! Although we knew we should have saved it, we blew every cent of it on an upgrade at a fancy hotel and swanky dinners and had the time of our lives. When we returned, the first thing I did was call his mother and thank her again for the wonderful gift. Imagine my shock when she said, &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re welcome, dear. Take all the time you need in paying us back.&amp;quot; What the?!? It was a gift, not a loan! My husband and I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no idea how to handle this, and my husband doesn&amp;#039;t want to confront his parents. Eeeek!\u2014Blushing and Bewildered Bride  DANG!: As I always say, your family will bilk you before anyone else. Send your idiots-in-law a handwritten note of glorious gratitude for the &amp;quot;grand trip,&amp;quot; etc., in mushy-mushy detail. Conclude with a list of why you love them. The last item on the list should be their &amp;quot;gift of a heavenly honeymoon.&amp;quot; Both you and your husband sign it. Add a P.S.: &amp;quot;Mom mentioned the word &amp;#039;loan&amp;#039; on the phone. Of course, we&amp;#039;d never have spent a penny if we&amp;#039;d known, but we will be happy to pay it back at $5 a month.&amp;quot; "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.elle.com/life-love/ask-e-jean/q-and-a/a9234/ask-e-jean-december-2005-19465/?src=global_footer>