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"FacebookPinterestspy next door.jpg\n\nEvery Friday, our fearless cultural critics, armed with nothing but smartphones and hangovers, report live via email from an A.M. screening of what we believe will be the most horrible thing Hollywood has foisted on an unexpecting and undeserving American populace. It's like you're right there suffering with them. Except you're not.\n\nThis week: Dan Fierman, Alex Pappademas, and Kevin Sintumuang suffer through Spy Next Door, starring Jackie Chan, three overly articulate small children, a pot bellied pig, and Billy Ray Cyrus' soul patch.\n\nKevin Sintumuang: Three dudes going to see a kids' movie unaccompanied by a child. Nope. Nothing odd about this.\n\n Dan Fierman: We basically need a map to find this theater. It's on the 7th and a half floor from Being John Malkovich.\n\nAlex Pappademas: The really weird part is that there's only like one kid in here and the theater's not empty.\n\n Sintumuang: Of course this movie started with the song \"Secret Asian Man.\"\n\n Pappademas: Are they in New York now? And is it the regular New York, or the one from Rumble in the Bronx, where you could see snow-capped mountains from downtown?\n\n Fierman: So we have a soul-patched sidekick and a pot-bellied pig as a pet and the \"Ruskies\" as the bad guys. Are we sure this movie hasn't been in the can since 1988?\n\n Sintumuang: Russian villain just said his hip-hop clothes make him look \"like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.\" Also, \"this computer is as slow as my Commodore 64.\" This script IS from 88!**\n\n Pappademas: **Wow. Billy Ray Cyrus AND George Lopez have joined our cast. This is like the Glengarry Glen Ross of people who suck.\n\nFacebookPinterestWith a princess.jpg\n\nSintumuang: Any bets on how soon there will be an \"Achy-Breaky Heart\" gag involving Billy Ray Cyrus? Doesn't that dude get like a dollar for every Hannah Montana toothbrush that's sold?\n\n Pappademas: Yes. Which gives him the freedom to pursue passion projects like this one.\n\n Fierman: Oh my God do I hate this movie. I know I say that every week, but this time I mean it. It's like a PSA against procreation.\n\n Pappademas: \"We've recovered a file\u2014seems to be the entry portal to a web site.\" BILLY RAY CYRUS KNOWS ALL THE COMPUTER WORDS.\n\n Fierman: The roles of Russian-accented villains will be played by Moose and Squirrel.**\n\n Pappademas: **Long Duk Dong just walked out of this movie, disgusted by what an Asian-nerd stereotype Chan's character is.\n\n Sintumuang: Jackie Chan is having trouble making white people breakfast food like instant oatmeal because...HE'S ASIAN!!!\n\n Pappademas: Do bullies still dispense wedgies when some nerd displeases them? Don't these kids have guns?\n\n Fierman: Jackie Chan chasing a half-naked five-year-old through his neighbor's house. Otherwise known as CAA's worst nightmare.\n\n Pappademas: Meanwhile, back at Stock Footage of a Hangar...\n\n Fierman: Isn't this the hanger from Death Race and Armored?\n\n Sintumuang: The evil black substance the Russians have created is bacteria that eats petroleum. They must be from Greenpeace.\n\n Pappademas: There are adults in this theater laughing at these jokes. They should be sterilized.\n\n Fierman: Submitted without comment: The sound of Jackie Chan's voice just put a cat to sleep.\n\n Pappademas: This movie makes Spy Kids look like The Bourne Identity. Actually, this movie makes Spy Kids 3 look like The Bourne Identity.\n\n Sintumuang: Let it be noted that the most exciting moment of this movie thus far has been Jackie Chan cooking bacon with a pocket-sized flamethrower.\n\n Fierman: The little girl in the row in front of us appears to be trying to flee. If her dad doesn't let her, I'm calling Human Services.\n\nFacebookPinterestWith a sheet.jpg\n\n **\n\n Pappademas:** Okay\u2014not one but TWO references to middle-school kids being really excited about rare Iggy Pop bootlegs. I think the ghost of Lester Bangs wrote this movie.\n\n Pappademas: You know who I think is giving the best performance in this movie? The cat. I really believe that it's watching this fight.\n\n Fierman: So when does the truculent step-daughter call her \"mom\"? I'm saying somewhere in the last five minutes.\n\n Pappademas: Honestly, I can never fully hate a movie where George Lopez gets hit in the head with a chair.\n\n Fierman: Girls: always yap-yap-yapping about the relationship when you're trying to whack Russian mercenaries in the head with a pair of cast-iron pans. Am I right, fellahs?\n\n Sintumuang: They even made that Russian dude getting a TV smashed over his head boring.\n\n Pappademas: \"You stinkin' lowlife.\" Language, Billy Ray! There are kids in this theater! (And they're bored.)\n\n Fierman: Jackie Chan just fulfilled America's fantasy of smacking George Lopez in the head with an eleven-year-old. Animated GIF, plz.\n\n Pappademas: She said \"Mom!\" We win. We get to go home.\n\n Sintumuang: Do we have to stay for the blooper reel?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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