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" Kimmel: We have a unique relationship in that I&amp;#039;m the woman and Sarah&amp;#039;s the man. Kimmel: Women are always colder than men are, but if she can be hotter than I am, she&amp;#039;ll also be that. So whichever is most uncomfortable is which way she&amp;#039;ll go. Silverman: First of all, I&amp;#039;m very impressed that you&amp;#039;ve learned that men and women are different. I think that&amp;#039;s incredibly original, and I&amp;#039;m blown away by your mind. Second of all, when I&amp;#039;m cold it&amp;#039;s not because I want to be cold. I&amp;#039;m not looking to be a complainer. But he will just outright disagree and tell me, &amp;quot;No, honey, it&amp;#039;s not cold.&amp;quot; But it&amp;#039;s a subjective thing. If I&amp;#039;m cold, I&amp;#039;m cold. No matter what you think.  Kimmel: Here&amp;#039;s what Sarah taught me about getting along with my own parents: Try to pretend they&amp;#039;re someone else&amp;#039;s parents. If you do that, the little things that annoy you that don&amp;#039;t annoy anyone else are much more tolerable.  Silverman: And this is what Jimmy taught me about how to cope with my parents: Like, if I have to be with them without him there, and you have that feeling like you don&amp;#039;t have a witness, just collect the stories to share with him later. Kimmel: And eat a few bottles of Xanax. Silverman: No, Klonopin. I like Klonopin. Silverman: We had known each other for a while, just watching movies and stuff, just being friends. And then one night we were watching Broadway Danny Rose. Jimmy went in for the first kiss, and both of us -- we were probably nose to nose for what seemed like forty minutes before either of us had the guts to just go ahead and kiss. But once we did, we started making out like crazy. It had been festering for a very long time -- festering, that&amp;#039;s a romantic word, isn&amp;#039;t it? Kimmel: I guess in our case it&amp;#039;s appropriate. Silverman: We were in my apartment, on the couch in the living room. It got so hot and heavy that I was like, &amp;quot;You wanna move this party to the bedroom?&amp;quot; Well, I didn&amp;#039;t say &amp;quot;move this party.&amp;quot; I said, &amp;quot;You wanna go into my, uh, bedroom?&amp;quot; This is so embarrassing. And he&amp;#039;s like, &amp;quot;Okay.&amp;quot;  Kimmel: Like I&amp;#039;m gonna say no? Silverman: So he follows me down the hall, probably twenty-five feet to my bedroom, and I go into my bedroom and I turn around, and he&amp;#039;s standing in my doorway, completely naked like a bear. Like a big wild bear! I was shocked! I mean, at what point had all his clothes come off? And I looked at him like -- I don&amp;#039;t know, I just was taken aback.  Kimmel: I don&amp;#039;t know what I was thinking.  Silverman: Up until this point, you know, we were very shy in front of each other. So I was just very taken aback by this sudden, you know, loss of clothing. And he just looked at me and sort of shrugged and said, &amp;quot;Well, we&amp;#039;re definitely gonna do it, right?&amp;quot;  Silverman: I don&amp;#039;t believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love. Jesus&amp;#039; words have become so perverted over time -- it&amp;#039;s been like a game of telephone. If he existed, Jesus would fuckin&amp;#039; kill himself. Kimmel: I bought my son an Airsoft machine gun, and I&amp;#039;ll tell you why I did that. Because my mother hated guns. She was into nonviolence. She would not even let me have a squirt gun. And I really think that kids have certain things in their nature, and there&amp;#039;s nothing you can do about it. And you know what? If a kid wants a gun, and he&amp;#039;s not going to shoot anyone&amp;#039;s eye out, I think it&amp;#039;s better to give it to him now than to wait until he&amp;#039;s an adult and he buys a real one. It is my way of rebelling against my parents. Silverman: This is what you get for being a hippie parent. Kimmel: I always bought into the idea that life was just as difficult with money as it was without it. But that just simply is not the case -- it&amp;#039;s not true. I remember many, many times going to the ATM machine during lunchtime and wishing that it would dispense ten-dollar bills instead, so that I could get a little bit of money. It was just awful. The stress of not having enough money to pay the rent or not having enough money to go out to eat when a group of people are going out to eat was something that really ate away at me. I&amp;#039;m glad that I don&amp;#039;t have to deal with that anymore. It helps me relax to know that there&amp;#039;s a little pile of money somewhere that I can lie down on if I need to.  Silverman: I&amp;#039;ll be honest: I&amp;#039;m a ball woman, and I&amp;#039;ve really hit the lottery with Jimmy.  Kimmel: I&amp;#039;ve learned not to talk about my testicles, because it never goes well.  Silverman: You don&amp;#039;t need to. I&amp;#039;ve got it covered. Kimmel: I don&amp;#039;t get it. Balls don&amp;#039;t seem to have any real purpose at all. Silverman: You&amp;#039;re so wrong.  Kimmel: My age means almost nothing to me -- I can&amp;#039;t even remember how old I am most of the time. What impacts me is my little brother turning thirty this year. And my son turning thirteen and my daughter turning fifteen. That&amp;#039;s something that makes me stop and go, &amp;quot;Hey, you&amp;#039;re not gonna be here forever. You gotta try and maybe enjoy some of this.&amp;quot;  Kimmel: Sarah decides which side of the bed she wants to sleep on.  Silverman: I sleep on the side closest to the bathroom -- that&amp;#039;s my side. It doesn&amp;#039;t matter which actual side that is.  Kimmel: We have two different places and two different sides of the bed. And I&amp;#039;m the kind of person who likes to be in exactly the same place all the time -- it doesn&amp;#039;t matter which side to me, but I like to be on the same side regardless of which side it is. Does that make sense? I mean, I&amp;#039;m worried that I might come back from the bathroom in the middle of the night and get in on the wrong side and smother her. Silverman: Why? Kimmel: Because I don&amp;#039;t know which side to go on. Silverman: Here&amp;#039;s something cute he&amp;#039;ll be mad at: I realized that when I go out of town, he sleeps on my side of the bed. It&amp;#039;s very cute.  Kimmel: Just like a dog, you know. I miss my master.  Silverman: Awww. You know, I would switch sides of the bed if you really wanted to. Kimmel: Okay. But I know you&amp;#039;re just saying that. You won&amp;#039;t switch. Silverman: I would switch! I was just always a bed wetter, and I need to be on the side closest to the bathroom.  Kimmel: See? Now I&amp;#039;m being threatened with urine in the bed, so I think I&amp;#039;ll just stay where I am.  Silverman: I wet the bed recently, God knows why.  Kimmel: Thankfully, she was at a hotel.  Silverman: I was out of town. It was in a very high-stress situation. Kimmel: We&amp;#039;re not popular enough to have paparazzi following us.  Silverman: I&amp;#039;m always in those tabloids where they show who&amp;#039;s badly dressed. It&amp;#039;s funny, because each time I&amp;#039;m getting my picture taken, I&amp;#039;m thinking, This is a nice outfit. There&amp;#039;s no way this will make the badly dressed list. I&amp;#039;m matching and everything.  Kimmel: Somehow, she ends up agreeing with them when she sees the picture.  Silverman: I&amp;#039;m like, They&amp;#039;re right. It&amp;#039;s not so good. I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There&amp;#039;s no place to hide my balls. Kimmel: I still masturbate from time to time. Probably more than a normal person. Silverman: Really! Kimmel: You know what I&amp;#039;ve learned? And this is a practical thing. For many years, when I was a teenager, I never thought of using lubricant of any kind. I mean, there was a time when my penis -- you would be amazed at what can happen to your penis from overuse. My penis looked like a bunch of broccoli. I mean, something happened to it, and it mushroomed into this -- I don&amp;#039;t know what happened to me exactly, but I remember going to the gym with my father and having to really hide my penis from him because I knew he would rush me right to the emergency room. In fact, it&amp;#039;s something that I think about mentioning to my son, because I don&amp;#039;t want him to have to go through that same thing. But I&amp;#039;m not going to mention it to my son, because it would be inappropriate coming from his father. But I would like to mention it to anyone else&amp;#039;s son who happens to be reading this. Silverman: He can read this when it comes out. Kimmel: Are you kidding? I&amp;#039;m not gonna let him read this. But if by some chance he does, I would just like to mention to young boys out there, it doesn&amp;#039;t matter what it is -- it could be hand lotion, it could be margarine, it could be Crisco -- but use something as a lubricant, because it really helps. It can even be your own spit.  Silverman: My favorite story is when Jimmy discovered masturbation, and all of a sudden, instead of fighting to stay up later... Kimmel: Right. After the first time I masturbated successfully... Silverman: Mission accomplished! Kimmel: Exactly. After that, suddenly I was always wanting to go to bed early. It would be like 6:30, and I was like, &amp;quot;You know what?&amp;quot; Big yawn. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m pooped.&amp;quot; And they&amp;#039;d be like, &amp;quot;Wait a minute, Jimmy, Mom&amp;#039;s making ravioli.&amp;quot; And I was like, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m going to have some in the morning.&amp;quot; Big yawn. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m gonna hit the hay.&amp;quot;  Kimmel: If somebody&amp;#039;s got a crusade against prostitution, they&amp;#039;re probably going to have prostitutes on the side. And if somebody&amp;#039;s preaching to others against homosexuality, there&amp;#039;s a good chance they&amp;#039;ve got a stack of Playgirl magazines hidden under their desk.  Silverman: Methinks he doth protest too much.  Kimmel: Exactly. Silverman: We don&amp;#039;t live in a democracy; we live in a hypocrisy.  Silverman: He doesn&amp;#039;t like anyone to think I&amp;#039;m attractive. It makes him crazy. Kimmel: Everybody says, &amp;quot;What in God&amp;#039;s name is she thinking? Why is she with that fat, stupid, hairy moron?&amp;quot;  Silverman:Awww. Look at him. He&amp;#039;s sexy. He&amp;#039;s totally debonair.  Silverman: Jimmy doesn&amp;#039;t like it when I tell jokes about him. Kimmel: I don&amp;#039;t mind jokes that have some basis in reality. However, if there&amp;#039;s a joke in which I&amp;#039;m inserted as the random example -- like Sarah does a joke about my balls smelling like her grandmother&amp;#039;s house. Why do you have to use me for the example? Use someone else. Silverman: But they do! Have you ever smelled them yourself? Did you ever consider that it&amp;#039;s not an absurdist joke at all, that it&amp;#039;s an observational, Seinfeldian joke? Do I have to add something like &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s up with that?&amp;quot; at the end of it?  Kimmel: If they did smell, I would go along with it as valid, but the fact of the matter is... Silverman: You&amp;#039;ll never know, because my nana has passed away. Kimmel: People come up to me now and ask me if my balls smell like mothballs. They do it all the time! Silverman: What about you? You say that I go to the bathroom and that I have gas.  Kimmel: Sarah claims that she never moves her bowels.  Silverman: You know that I don&amp;#039;t. And you say that on your show all the time. So you&amp;#039;re a hypocrite.  Kimmel: Well, first of all, you absolutely do move your bowels, though it is infrequently, I will admit. Silverman: I absolutely don&amp;#039;t! That&amp;#039;s disgusting! Kimmel: And secondly, I wouldn&amp;#039;t even say it if you weren&amp;#039;t lying to people all the time. The fact is, you do move your bowels, and it&amp;#039;s a mess. Silverman: What does it matter if your balls smell like my nana&amp;#039;s house? I only said it one time, on that one roast. And you will never forget it.  Kimmel: I think we&amp;#039;re getting somewhere. Don&amp;#039;t you, Doctor? Silverman: I don&amp;#039;t even know you anymore. Kimmel: Our relationship will be stronger after this interview. Silverman: I think we should start seeing other people. Kimmel: Here&amp;#039;s what I&amp;#039;ve learned: Don&amp;#039;t do interviews with your girlfriend. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/interviews/a2332/esq0107silvermanandkimmel/>