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" Need help? E-mail a problem that requires solving to askacomedianesquire@gmail.com and we&amp;#039;ll get a comedian on it. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s pretty obvious that I shouldn&amp;#039;t be giving advice to anybody,&amp;quot; Kumail Nanjiani says as he&amp;#039;s finishing offering solutions to various fan-submitted queries. &amp;quot;I have a lot of opinions and little knowledge and that&amp;#039;s a really bad combination.&amp;quot; But the comedian and actor from HBO&amp;#039;s hit Silicon Valley has some actual viable insight, which is why we selected him as the first in a series of comedians giving life advice.  Nanjiani&amp;#039;s new Comedy Central series The Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail, which he co-created and co-stars in with fellow Los Angeles comedian Jonah Ray, premieres tonight. It&amp;#039;s a behind-the-scenes look at the duo&amp;#039;s weekly stand-up night at Meltdown Comics in LA. The eight-episode series features everyone from Michael Ian Black to Marc Maron to Reggie Watts performing comedy sets and hanging out backstage. &amp;quot;I was thrilled that Weird Al did it,&amp;quot; Nanjiani says. &amp;quot;I can&amp;#039;t even believe it when I say that out loud. It&amp;#039;s amazing when your friends do the show, but what I think people will be really excited to see is the comedians they don&amp;#039;t expect on Comedy Central. Plus, Weird Al did the show. Did I mention that?&amp;quot; Weird Al isn&amp;#039;t the only thing Nanjiani finds overwhelming these days. His other series, Silicon Valley, is up for five Emmy awards next month. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s a completely new feeling,&amp;quot; he says. &amp;quot;It does feel like we all made this thing together. I understand it&amp;#039;s more [creator] Mike [Judge]&amp;#039;s vision than anybody else, but the set is so fun and so inclusive. The fact that it got nominated for an Emmy? I was genuinely moved by it.&amp;quot;  Nanjiani will go back to shoot Silicon Valley&amp;#039;s second season (which gets ten episodes instead of the first season&amp;#039;s eight) in October, but meanwhile, he can be found every Wednesday night at Meltdown Comics performing with Ray. The show is perpetually sold out, but if you manage a ticket \u2014 fair warning \u2014 expect a lot of dick jokes. How can I get my dog to respect me more? She no longer views me as the alpha.  \u2014Deb, New York City You have to do things in front of the dog that dogs can&amp;#039;t do, like use opposable thumbs and an iPad and speak in English and eat chocolate. A great way to put a dog in its place is to eat chocolate and yell, &amp;quot;You can&amp;#039;t do this! You&amp;#039;ll never understand how delicious this is!&amp;quot; My boss recently did mushrooms in front of me and has been acting kind of crazy ever since. What&amp;#039;s the best way to handle?  \u2014Caroline, Los Angeles  This is a big gift. You shouldn&amp;#039;t try and fix this. What you should do is try and convince the boss that he or she is still on the same trip, and just keep handing in the same report to him or her over and over again. That way you don&amp;#039;t have to do any work. I love my roommate&amp;#039;s boyfriend, but he snores. A lot. Like, I can still hear him with earplugs in, the door shut, and a white noise machine running. What should I do?  \u2014Ashley, NYC  Tell him that snoring is usually a sign of a condition called sleep apnea, which causes a lot of people to die in their sleep. Be like, &amp;quot;Here, Google it.&amp;quot; And then he&amp;#039;ll be so scared he&amp;#039;ll never be able to sleep again.  I love my best friend, but she is marrying an opinionated, childlike douche who I can&amp;#039;t stand to be in the same room as. How can our friendship survive?  \u2014Amy, Seattle  It&amp;#039;s not going to survive. You&amp;#039;re not going to be friends with your friend until they end up divorcing. Think of it like the Ninja Turtles: You were a fan of the Ninja Turtles when you were a kid, and then for a long time there were no Ninja Turtles in your life, and now there&amp;#039;s a movie, and it&amp;#039;s like, &amp;quot;Oh, Ninja Turtles are back! That&amp;#039;s a fun thing!&amp;quot; That&amp;#039;s how your friendship is going to be. Unless they don&amp;#039;t get divorced, in which case your friend is gone forever.  What&amp;#039;s the best way to get out of a social event that you said you&amp;#039;d go to but don&amp;#039;t want to actually go to? BTW, I don&amp;#039;t want to go to this picnic next weekend.  \u2014Jim, Bethesda, Maryland You just text your friend and be like, &amp;quot;Hey listen, something very serious happened. I&amp;#039;m not ready to talk about it right now, but I can&amp;#039;t come to the picnic. Don&amp;#039;t bring this up to me because it&amp;#039;s a very sensitive issue. I&amp;#039;ll bring it up to you when I&amp;#039;m ready.&amp;quot; And then just never bring it up. And they&amp;#039;ll never ask because nobody wants to get into an awkward, serious conversation. But what kind of monster doesn&amp;#039;t want to go to a picnic? What else do they even have going on in Bethesda?  I make my bed, but my sheets don&amp;#039;t stay crisp for very long. How do I maintain this without having to make my bed more often?  \u2014Anna, Los Angeles  This is a conversation my wife and I have every night \u2014 should we make the bed? But if what you&amp;#039;re looking for is crispy sheets just sprinkle some potato chips on there.  My boyfriend is Canadian and sometimes I just don&amp;#039;t &amp;quot;get&amp;quot; him. Is there a way we can overcome our cultural differences?  \u2014Annabelle, NYC I don&amp;#039;t think so. This is no one who can really be fixed. You need to break up with him. Canadians are all so polite and they apologize a lot. You don&amp;#039;t want that. Related, I keep thinking of how much more of a dick Justin Bieber would be if he wasn&amp;#039;t Canadian. That&amp;#039;s the Canadian version of him. An American Justin Bieber \u2014 it&amp;#039;s terrifying. He would be like LexLuthor.  No matter what shampoo and conditioner brand I use, I can&amp;#039;t get the body and shine I know my hair is capable of. What am I doing wrong?  \u2014Alan, San Jose, California  This is a real answer: Do you know about leave-in conditioner? I don&amp;#039;t know if leave-in conditioner is new or what, but it&amp;#039;s really pretty good. Get leave-in conditioner or just use regular conditioner and don&amp;#039;t wash it out. But be careful because you don&amp;#039;t want to look like you&amp;#039;re in There&amp;#039;s Something About Mary. Where&amp;#039;s the best place to go for a quick (reasonable) honeymoon during hurricane season?  \u2014Robin, NYC  Starbucks. You know those little madeleine cookies? Those are great. It&amp;#039;s kind of like Paris. And does Paris have cake pops and overpriced bananas? I don&amp;#039;t think so. What&amp;#039;s the best way to get what you want when dealing with annoying customer service people on the phone?  \u2014Britt, Washington, DC  You have to humanize them. I have some experience with this because I&amp;#039;ve played these parts on Portlandia. What you have to do is break through and get to the person behind the corporate speak. I always ask them what their favorite ice cream flavor is. That softens them up. Or ask them if they like the Animaniacs or Tiny Toons or what Pok\u00E9mon game is their favorite. That humanizes them and you can get what you want. I am only 28, but I can&amp;#039;t remember anything anymore. What&amp;#039;s the trick to remembering things or improving your memory?  \u2014Rob, New York City  It sounds like you have real problems. You should go to a doctor. But then I guess you might forget to do that. So you know what? Just live your life. You won&amp;#039;t remember, but you can just fill your memory with more interesting stuff than what you actually did. Like you didn&amp;#039;t just stay in and watch a documentary on Saturday; you went to a rave and hooked up with three people and did ecstasy. You can paint a better picture of your life. Again, this is a gift. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/tv/a29447/ask-a-comedian-kumail-nanjiani/>