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"FacebookPinterest\n\n I would like to propose to you is one about which I am very passionate: an inside, no-holds-barred, fly-on-the-wall account of everything I ever drank during my years as a Deke. Either that or something about my presidency. I strongly suggest the first one, but if it's the second one, I don't know, how about something about the most import decisions I ever made? Could be ten of 'em. Could be twelve. Could be one. Could be sixteen. Point is, it can be different numbers of decisions, and you can decide. Decide (emphasis mine).\n\n As for a title, I'll leave it up to you. But here are some suggestions:\n\n _o The De Bushi Code\n\n o DeciderMan\n\n o Freakolitics\n\n o The Colder the Better: The Bush Women _(Ha! Just Kidding. I'm Really Talking About Beers)\n\n_ o Superfreakolitics\n\n o Better Than His Father: A Successful President Who Won Reelection Looks Back on His Two Terms, the Maximum Allowed by Law\n\n o F-U, Jeb\n\n_\n\n If we don't go the Deke route, which I strongly advice (can we use British spellings? Picked 'em up from Tony Blair. Would lend a classy flavour), here are some decisions.\n\n#1 Choosing My Faith\n\n Episcopalianism is a fine religion. I grew up Episcopalian. They have strong handshakes and they make strong drinks. I particularly recommend their old-fashioneds.\n\n What I found out, though, was that by a certain point in my life, I was getting to be too Episcopalian. I was just too good at it. Was up at Kennebunkport at my mom and dad's house around that time. My room there still has Pac-Man. Check the high scores-at number one you'll find \"GWB.\" Good luck finding \"JB.\" Anyway, we had an all-night party, and I got pretty Episcopalian. Woke up next to Jeane Kirkpatrick wearing her bor shorts and thought, I gotta make a change. Plus, Episcopalianism is my dad's religion, and I pride myself on being a self-made man.\n\n Billy Graham was up there at the same time. We took a walk, and he started getting religious, and I said, \"Okay, Billy, you got two minutes-sell me.\" I have an M.B.A. from Harvard, which is the best school in the world, and Jeb didn't go to it. Jeb went to the University of Texas, which is a state school. So I was applying my Harvard M.B.A. leadership skills to our conversation. Anyway, Billy mentions something about being \"born again.\" And I say, \"Born again?\" And he says, \"Yeah, born again.\" So I say, \"Does it mean I have to touch my mom's front bottom?\" (That's what our family calls vaginas. But don't call it that to Jeane Kirkpatrick. She don't like it.) Billy says, \"No.\" And I say, \"Maybe I'll give it a whirl. Write me up a deal memo.\" Then Billy says, \"I should tell you that I don't think your father will approve, though.\" Then I say, \"Sold.\"\n\n I became what's called a Methodist. By then, Laura and me were already living in Midland, Texas. Midland's a good town, a strong town. I started goin' to this prayer meeting of all men. It didn't make me uncomfortable in that way--these were all strong men. The Midland deal was sort of like the Dekes, only you never had to wear a diaper or get shot in the nutsack with a BB gun.\n\n At some point, a guy named Don Evans gave me a one-year Bible. You read a little bit every day, just like the Dilbert-A-Day calendar I had. There's this one that I had up on my wall, where Dilbert says to his boss, \"I'm leavin',\" and his boss says, \"It's only four o'clock,\" and Dilbert says, \"So what!\" That is so true. Cracked me up. Anyway, point is, I never read the Bible Don gave me, but when I told my dad I had been born another time without him and mom, he was pretty steamed.\n\n#2 Important Nicknames I've Given People\n\n GEORGE H.W.BUSH\n\n Poppy. (Took the edge off the coke.)\n\n LAURA BUSH\n\n Bushie. That's my last name. But to nickname-a-size it, you gotta add the ie. So that's what I did. Bushie.\n\n VLADIMIR PUTIN\n\n Pootie-Poot. Because it's hilarious.\n\n TREASURY SECRETARY PAUL O'NEILL\n\n Pablo. Sometimes it's fun to give a rich guy a Mexican name. Like, say I go up to T. Boone Pickens, and instead of callin' him \"T. Boone,\" I call him, like, Pablo.\" There's other Mexican names, too, but Pablo's the one in my mind now.\n\n KARL ROVE\n\n Turd Blossom. \"Turd blossom\" is what they say in Texas when a flower grows in shit. I used to call Karl \"Shithead,\" or \"Shit for Brains,\" or \"Shit.\" But then someone told me about turd blossoms, so I decided it.\n\n FORMER DEPUTY SECRETARY OF STATE RICHARD ARMITAGE\n\n Tiny. It's oxymoronic. And a leitmotif.\n\n TONY BLAIR\n\n Landslide. That's because one time I was sitting with Tony and I just looked at him and I said, \"Tony, you ever climb a mountain and then turn around and seen your reflection in the snow-covered hills?\" He said no, but it'd happened to a friend of his.\n\n#3 Givin Up Alcohol\n\n Best thing about alcohol is how it makes you feel. Makes you feel good. When I'd drink, it'd make me more right and less ashamed about lettin' people know I was right. I remember one time some buddies and I were drinking and we'd had, like, two sirs apiece, and my buddy, he says, \"Hey, George, we should have another sir,\" and I go, \"Yeah.\" And we did. We had another sir. That was my fortieth birthday. But that's the sort of thing you can do when you're young. Anyway, later I decided to give it up so I could get a job. Lesson learned from decision: Alcohol is a lot of fun.\n\n#4 Nonalcoholic Beer\n\n Just because I quit drinkin' doesn't mean I don't still like to have a beer. I like to have a beer with people, and people like to have a beer with me. That's who I am. I'm the guy you want to have a beer with. Turns out, scientists have figured out a way to remove the alcohol from beer. You read that right! Beer with no alcohol. You can't really get a buzz from it, but you can still act like an a-hole. Once I learned that, I had to decide which nonalcoholic beer to drink. There's a lot of 'em, and each one's different in its own way. It takes research. Here are the finalists that I had to decide betweenst, along with my thinking on the matter.\n\n o BUCKLER Cons: Sounds like \"buckle up,\" which is boring. Pros: Sounds like \"fuckler.\"\n\n o O'DOUL'S Who's O'Doul? I don't know.\n\n o O'DOUL'S AMBER Is Amber his girlfriend? ;) That's a joke, and that right after it is a little symbol to show it's a joke. A little rascally winking guy. Reminds me of me. Here's one that looks like a cock and balls: :- Idea (or as we called 'em in business school, \"successortunity\"): We could scrap the decisions thing and do a little book that sits on the counter next to the checkout register, right near the Dilbert calendars, just a little book by me on all those hilarious little computer-key fuckers.\n\n o CLAUSTHALER Too hard to say. Sounds European, or maybe German.\n\n o PROSTEL ALKOHOLFREI What?\n\n o COORS NON-ALCOHOLIC Coors. They make regular beer. You never know, maybe you ask for a nonalcoholic beer and somebody gives you a regular one. Done. Decided upon.\n\n#5 Why I Gave a Neck Rub to ANGELA MERKEL\n\n All of us leaders were in Russia for the G8, which is like the G7 except we added one. The way I remember it is, I think, \"Have I had my G8 today?\" like a V8, only instead of vegetables, it's countries. So I saw Merkel sittin' there, and I knew I had to decide how to greet her. Do I say something German? Maybe a joke? Ask her if Germany also has a city called Hotdog, to go with the one they got named Hamburg? Also thought of using the most common greeting in Deke House, which was to grab someone by the balls. But Merkel doesn't have any balls, because she's a lady (though she still has more than John Kerry-HA!). So then I think, Okay, what do ladies like? Obvious answer: whip my dick out. But I couldn't do that there. Because I was wearin' Jockeys. Okay, what do they like second best? That's when I decided it: neck rub. Lesson learned? Merkel's lesbian.\n\n#6 Whether to Hang Left or Right\n\n Even though I'm a Republican, I hang left. (Note: We could really mine this for humour in the book. This is ironic, because I'm on the \"right,\" yet my penis is on the \"left.\" It's like my penis and me are political opposites. And sometimes, the political balance is thrown off because the left-winger in my pants gets bigger.) \n\n#7 Favorite 'Saw' Movie\n\n There's so much good movie in the Saw series, it's hard to decide which is my favorite. But part of being president is having to make the tough decisions. Okay. So...\n\n SAW: A good movie. A strong movie. In this one, a fella had to cut his own leg off.\n\n SAW II: Couple of people die from some kind of gas-boring.\n\n SAW III: Somebody has to wear a thing around their neck with shotgun shells on it. That's good. I leaned over and said to Karl, \"I call shotgun!\" He cracked up.\n\n SAW IV: Didn't see it. Heard it was good.\n\n SAW V: Bunch of flashbacks. If I wanted to see a French movie, I'd go to France. The original guy wasn't even in it. Must have died in Saw IV. Anyway, really seemed to get away from the original idea of the series, which is that a guy has to saw his own leg off.\n\n SAW VI: Somebody's face gets mangled by a bear trap. Pretty strong.\n\n DECISION: Saw is the best, because a guy had to cut his own leg off.\n\n#8 Running for President\n\n Jeb and I were governors. Him in Florida, me in Texas, which has about a million more people and where we don't walk around wearing flip-flops with our balls in our purses. In early '99, Jeb got called \"the smart one\" a lot. We're up in Kennebunkport, and Poppy says, \"You should run for president.\" \"I just might,\" says Jeb. Then I say, \"I just might, too,\" and Jeb starts laughing. So I went outside and set his boat on fire. I waited two days before announcing, though, just to be sure I was runnin' for the right reasons.\n\n#9 Picking Dick Cheney\n\n Dick used to work for my dad. He was always around. I thought he did our lawn work. One day up at Kennebunkport, there was a big meeting about Iraq or Iran or somewhere in \"Eurasia,\" which I know about. So I see Dick in there, and I'm like, \"Hey, Dad, why's the gardener here?\" And Dad says, \"He's the secretary of defense.\" And I say, \"Whoa, time out. You hired our gardener as secretary of defense? You won't even let me drive the Volvo, and Manuel here gets to be a cabinet member?\" And Dad says, \"Jeb, take him out to play Foosball.\"\n\n Anyway, in the summer of 2000, I'm running for president (while Jeb is down in Florida with his Phi Beta Kappa dick in his hand), and I need to pick a vice president. My dad suggested Dick Cheney, the pool guy. So I put him in charge of the selection committee, and after a week or two I ask Dick what he's got. \"Who's it gonna be?\" I say. \"McCain? Alexander? That crazy black dude Keyes?\"\n\n Cheney says, \"I want you to watch something.\" And then he puts a DVD in the TV. When Harry Met Sally. We watch for a bit, and I'm like, \"I thought there were dinosaurs in this.\" And Cheney says, \"No, no dinosaurs,\" and then when it's over, he says, \"What did you take away from that movie?\" And I say, \"Don't take a road trip with a Jew?\" And he says, \"No, sometimes what you're lookin' for is right under your nose.\" And I say, \"Are you saying I have some Pirate's Booty on me?\" And he says, \"No.\" And then he went on and on for a while, but to be honest with you, all I could think of was him with one of those big floppy sun hats on his head and a weed whacker in his hands. Upshot: He meant he was the best candidate. Anyway, I hired him. Learned my lesson from Ronald Reagan: Never have a number two who wants to replace you. Reagan was like a father to me."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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