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" I&amp;#039;ll admit it: I hate change. It&amp;#039;s only spring and I already feel uneasy about my youngest child, my baby girl, starting kindergarten in the fall. I&amp;#039;m not alone in my misery; change is unsettling, if not terrifying, for most people I know\u2014whether it&amp;#039;s a major upheaval (divorce, new job) or a fairly minor one (painting the bathroom, switching email programs). And women have it extra-tough: Research shows we generally take longer than men to adapt to changes.  To the rescue comes Ariane de Bonvoisin, whose new book, The First 30 Days (a companion to her recently launched website, first30days.com), is the ultimate manual for any change. That first month is when new habits are formed, de Bonvoisin explains, and it&amp;#039;s the key time for gathering the confidence and energy to get you through the next weeks and months of transition. De Bonvoisin herself is all about trying new things: She&amp;#039;s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, lived on three continents, worked as a ski instructor, in media, and as a life coach. Still, she admits change isn&amp;#039;t easy for her. Rather than approaching new experiences with fear, however, she&amp;#039;s learned to welcome them with enthusiasm\u2014even joy. &amp;quot;Change is the one constant in all our lives,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;And learning to embrace it is the most valuable tool in helping you love your life more.&amp;quot;  To help you get through any transition, de Bonvoisin has identified the following nine guiding truths. Make them your own, and let them lead you forward.  1. I have positive beliefs \u2014 about change, about life, and about myself. An optimistic attitude is the first tool you need to tackle change, says de Bonvoisin \u2014 and yes, optimism is something you can choose.&amp;quot; You may not have chosen the change that is happening to you, but you do get to choose your beliefs around it,&amp;quot; says de Bonvoisin.  To shift to that positive mind-set, try asking what-if questions, such as &amp;quot;What if I believe things are going to get better?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;What if life is working on my behalf?&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;What if this crisis is the best wake-up call I ever got?&amp;quot; Looking at change this way will make it seem less scary because you&amp;#039;re focusing your mind on positive outcomes \u2014 and it&amp;#039;s not that difficult to do. &amp;quot;By habitually emphasizing the positive,&amp;quot; says de Bonvoisin, &amp;quot;you can actually rewire your mind to think more optimistically.&amp;quot;  2. I know that change will always bring something good into my life.  On a daily basis, life throws us curveballs\u2014people file for bankruptcy, lose beloved pets, miss planes, are diagnosed with cancer. Although research shows that it takes longer to adjust to a negative event than a positive one, desirable changes, such as losing weight or having a baby, come with challenges too. And yes, any of these experiences can cause hurt and frustration. &amp;quot;But even the hardest, most painful changes will eventually bring a gift to your life,&amp;quot; de Bonvoisin points out. &amp;quot;Sometimes the gift will be obvious, and sometimes it will take a while to realize.&amp;quot;  Remind yourself of this guiding truth when you&amp;#039;re facing any bump in the road. To do that, think back on three or four very stressful changes from your past, and the good that eventually came from them. What comes to mind for me: I didn&amp;#039;t get my dream job after college \u2014 but I met my husband at the company where I landed. And 10 years ago, my brother-in-law developed early-onset Alzheimer&amp;#039;s \u2014 awful, yes, but as my sister reached out for emotional support, our bond became deeper; my role shifted from little sister to valued friend. The list \u2014 for me and everyone else \u2014 is endless.  3. I know I am resilient, strong, and capable of getting through anything.  We all have what de Bonvoisin calls a &amp;quot;change muscle&amp;quot;\u2014and it&amp;#039;s stronger than we think. Take 36-year-old Jenny Evans of Minneapolis, who went through an agonizing divorce. &amp;quot;Although at times it was literally painful to breathe, I wasn&amp;#039;t eating or sleeping, and I thought I might die, I didn&amp;#039;t,&amp;quot; she says. Since her divorce, Jenny has become better able to deal with life&amp;#039;s other ups and downs, such as handling frenzied days at work or helping her daughter cope with bullies at school. &amp;quot;If I could get through my divorce, I can get through anything,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Now, I almost view a stressful event from the perspective of &amp;#039;Is that all you&amp;#039;ve got? That&amp;#039;s nothing compared to what I went through two-and-a-half years ago!&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Whether you&amp;#039;ve survived the death of a spouse, a Hurricane Katrina\u2013like disaster, or giving birth to triplets, there&amp;#039;s some moment of truth you can call up to remind yourself how much you can handle. &amp;quot;Your change muscle is the part of you that knows, deep down, you&amp;#039;ll be okay,&amp;quot; says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re more powerful, resilient, and intuitive than you know.&amp;quot;  To tap into that resilience, write a &amp;quot;change r\u00E9sum\u00E9.&amp;quot; List the big changes you&amp;#039;ve been through, from transferring to a different school to a breakup. Pick three or four of the hardest ones and ask yourself: What strength did I develop during this change? How did I overcome my fears? What did I take away from the experience? &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;ll see that you&amp;#039;ve sailed through many challenges \u2014 and can handle even more.  4. I know that my emotions, including the negative ones, are there as a guide \u2014 and that I can replace them with more positive ones.  Fear walks hand-in-hand with change, and ignoring it won&amp;#039;t make it go away \u2014 in fact, quite the opposite: &amp;quot;Not admitting that your fear is there, trying to deny it, is the most debilitating thing you can do,&amp;quot; explains de Bonvoisin. Negative emotions such as fear, guilt, and impatience force you to use what she refers to as your change GPS. &amp;quot;Those emotions are there to get your attention and direct you to more positive ones.&amp;quot;  When I look more closely at my fears of sending my baby to kindergarten, for example, I can see that the one I&amp;#039;m really worried about isn&amp;#039;t her; it&amp;#039;s me, being alone all day. So I&amp;#039;m trying to replace that anxiety with positive thoughts: I&amp;#039;ll finally enjoy some sense of freedom; I&amp;#039;ll be so proud of her independence; I&amp;#039;ll truly savor the bittersweet emotions of letting go \u2014 knowing those pangs come from my deep bond with my daughter.  5. I know that the more quickly I accept or choose change, the less the pain and hardship will be.  Two years ago, my new digital camera \u2014 a birthday gift \u2014 sat in the box for months; I couldn&amp;#039;t bear to part with my trusty old 35 mm, and just looking at the new camera made me feel anxious and incompetent.  Silly? Maybe, but sometimes we make even minor changes painful by hanging on desperately to the past, says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;Life is like a long river, and we&amp;#039;re all in a boat floating downstream,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;We can cling to a rock and refuse to keep going. We can furiously row upstream, trying to get back to someplace we can never reach\u2014or we can let go of the oars and realize that we are being carried toward everything we want.&amp;quot; Think of it this way: Does not accepting a change make it go away? Does fighting the current help? Once you let go of the oars, your life will get back on track. (And usually \u2014 like me finally snapping away with my swell new camera \u2014 you end up wondering why you clung to the rock for so long.)  6. I use empowering questions and words, I think better thoughts, and I allow my feelings to come up.  Kionna Coleman, a 30-year-old single mom, moved from New York City back home to Raleigh, NC, after a breakup with her boyfriend, only to be hit with her dad&amp;#039;s sudden death from a heart attack a few months later. During this time, she remembers using many negative words and phrases. &amp;quot;I used to wake up every day and say, &amp;#039;I can&amp;#039;t catch a break,&amp;#039; or &amp;#039;I hate my life,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she recalls. Even though Kionna had way more than her fair share of heartache in a year, she realized that the downbeat talk wasn&amp;#039;t helping. &amp;quot;Those negative thoughts were sucking whatever energy I had left because I was starting to believe them,&amp;quot; she says.  One way Kionna got herself to ditch the gloomy talk was by looking into her son&amp;#039;s big brown eyes every time she felt a wave of pessimism come over her (when she was at work, she would simply whip out a photo of him). &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;s so full of life and love, and seeing him made me realize that my situation wasn&amp;#039;t so bad,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Focusing on the joy he gave me helped me change my negative words and thoughts.&amp;quot;  Listen to the language you use in the midst of any change, says de Bonvoisin \u2014 and make a conscious effort to clean it up. &amp;quot;Depressed, tragic, disaster \u2014 those words carry tremendous weight,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;The next time you&amp;#039;re tempted to say you had the worst day ever, stop and think \u2014 was it? Or was it merely a challenging day? Or even bette \u2014 an interesting one?&amp;quot;  7. I know I am connected to something bigger \u2014 my soul, my spirit, my higher self.  In the midst of grieving for her father and adapting to life as a single mom in a city she hadn&amp;#039;t lived in for years, Kionna turned to yoga and meditation. &amp;quot;They make me feel in tune with my soul and spirit \u2014 my higher power \u2014 which kept me calm and centered when I was losing focus,&amp;quot; she explains.  Stay sane through any change by finding a deep spiritual place inside yourself, says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s the part you go to sleep with, the part you get up with,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Whatever your personal belief \u2014 angels, your soul, a life force, God \u2014 we all crave something beyond ourselves, something that will never change.&amp;quot; By getting in touch with your spiritual side, you locate an ever-present source of calm that you can draw on whenever you want \u2014 and that helps you feel peaceful no matter what life dishes out.   8. I surround myself with people who can help and who have an optimistic mind-set, and I create an environment that supports change.  When Jenny Evans was going through the breakup of her marriage, she was comforted immensely by talking to other sympathetic women who&amp;#039;d been through divorce. &amp;quot;It was such a relief knowing that I wasn&amp;#039;t the only person ever to experience those overwhelming feelings of disappointment, regret, failure, and sadness as my marriage fell apart,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;It was encouraging to hear there was happiness on the other side, and it also led me to resources like counselors, support groups, and parenting coaches.&amp;quot; Jenny&amp;#039;s experience is typical, says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;In times of change, you tend to think you&amp;#039;re alone,&amp;quot; she points out. &amp;quot;There is always someone who can help, but often your ego gets in the way. Saying &amp;#039;I need help&amp;#039; or &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;m not perfect&amp;#039; is hard.&amp;quot;  To assemble your change support team, think about the most positive, encouraging people you know. &amp;quot;Make a choice to spend time with people who are in a place of happiness, success, and strong self-esteem,&amp;quot; says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;Those are the people you&amp;#039;ll learn the most from.&amp;quot; And chances are, they&amp;#039;ll be eager to lend a hand. &amp;quot;People genuinely love to be asked for help,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s part of human nature.&amp;quot; Think about it: What would you say if a friend asked for your specific advice with a problem? Chances are, you&amp;#039;d jump at the chance to help out; after all, it feels gratifying to be needed.  9. I take action, I have a plan, and I take care of myself.  Even tiny actions can help us move through change. When Julie Lenzer Kirk, 41, left a business she&amp;#039;d started 10 years earlier, she found herself endlessly checking email and voice mail, missing her former colleagues. &amp;quot;After a few months, I realized my identity was still caught up in my old company,&amp;quot; says Julie, who lives in Damascus, MD. &amp;quot;Then one day, I threw out all my old business cards. That single act made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders\u2014and I was able to move on.&amp;quot;  Julie&amp;#039;s next step was to dive into goals she&amp;#039;d always been curious about: working as a substitute teacher, redecorating a bedroom, and doing craft projects. Eventually, she launched another company, providing workshops and consulting to entrepreneurs. &amp;quot;I created a positive vision of my new life,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;I actually described where I would be in one year, three years, and so on, focusing on positive dreams and goals.&amp;quot;  To keep that kind of positive momentum going, know this: When embarking on a change, it&amp;#039;s easy to become so self-focused that all you can see are your own problems or challenges. To shake off this all-about-me mentality (which can lead to self-pity\u2014the antithesis of positive change), perform an act of kindness for someone. &amp;quot;Ask, &amp;#039;Who else needs me\u2014a neighbor, friend, parent?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says de Bonvoisin. &amp;quot;You start accessing the part of yourself that&amp;#039;s altruistic, not self-centered. I knew one 9/11 widow who volunteered to help other victims after the disaster; that was the only way she could handle the huge changes before her.&amp;quot; When you reach out, you feel connected to a community\u2014which in turn feeds your own soul. And that&amp;#039;s a wonderful way to face any change.  THE FIRST 30 DAYS OF ANYTHING!  To inspire you to make a change you&amp;#039;ve always dreamed of \u2014 or cope with one you&amp;#039;re facing now \u2014 REDBOOK is launching a new column, &amp;quot;The First 30 Days.&amp;quot; Each month, REDBOOK and change coach Ariane de Bonvoisin will guide you through a different transition, from going green to living healthier to improving your relationships. Let us help you embrace the never-ending changes in your great, big life!  And to get more pointers on change \u2014 right now! \u2014 log on to de Bonvoisin&amp;#039;s newly launched website, first30days.com. The site offers tips on how to get started (and stay on track), expert interviews, and ways to connect with others who are making the same transition that you are\u2014all there to help you avoid common pitfalls and find the positive in any change. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/body/mental-health/advice/a2890/change-your-life/>