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"  When I was a child, my mother was cruel to me and let me know I was nothing to her. As a result, I suffered from emotional illnesses including post-traumatic stress syndrome and depression. Since age 15, I spent a lot of time in mental institutions, thinking something was &amp;quot;wrong&amp;quot; with me. After years of therapy, it was suggested that I cut ties with my mother. Now she&amp;#039;s almost 80, and I feel guilty if I don&amp;#039;t answer the phone when I hear her voice on the answering machine. But when I do pick up, she tells me what a nothing of a person I am. I&amp;#039;ve told her that if she continues putting me down, I won&amp;#039;t answer her calls, but then she&amp;#039;ll call, acting helpless, knowing I&amp;#039;ll answer it and I do! I&amp;#039;ve tried sharing my feelings with her, but she laughs it off or denies what she did, yells, and hangs up. I&amp;#039;ve thought about changing my number, but what if she&amp;#039;s sick and needs to reach me or what if she dies? What should I do? S.W., 55, Peterborough, NH I&amp;#039;m so sorry to hear how difficult things are with your mother. As you probably know from your therapy, she&amp;#039;ll never change. Our parents whether they&amp;#039;re good, bad, or simply so irritating that we want to put ourselves up for adoption are who they are, and will be that way until they die. When your mother leaves this mortal coil, most likely you&amp;#039;ll still be fuming. To alleviate some of your guilt (she is, after all, your mother), you should figure out what you need to do to feel right about your interactions with her.   Rather than allowing her to manipulate you into picking up the phone, perhaps you could turn down the volume on your answering machine (which will mean screening your calls) or simply get voice mail. Then decide to call her every Wednesday and Sunday, or whatever, to see how she&amp;#039;s doing. She may accuse you of not returning her call, but you will be at a time that works for you. You&amp;#039;re right in telling her that you&amp;#039;re not going to talk to her if she insults you. The next time she starts putting you down, tell her simply and plainly that you don&amp;#039;t like it when she speaks to you that way, and that you&amp;#039;re hanging up and you&amp;#039;ll talk to her later.   The thing is, our parents die, every last one of them, whether we&amp;#039;re in a state of reconciliation with them or furious at them. You may be around and available to help your mom when she goes, or you may be on a trip to the Grand Canyon. You may be at a movie and have your cell phone off.   Do the best that you can to be in touch with her, but then, really, you&amp;#039;ve got to let it go and, yes, let it be.   Karen Karbo is the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living from Kate the Great. Shes also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Send your questions to her at: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019, or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/advice/a2141/hs-cutting-ties/>