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"Normally, when I back out of plans last minute, I offer to buy that person a drink the next time I see him/her, say, &amp;quot;I&amp;#x27;m sorry,&amp;quot; profusely with tons of emoticons, or I don&amp;#x27;t update my Facebook status for two hours because then people will know that I wasn&amp;#x27;t really busy and that I was &amp;quot;hate-liking&amp;quot; (a.k.a.&amp;quot;liking&amp;quot; the status of frenemies when really I&amp;#x27;m rolling my eyes at their happiness) while eating a bag of Cheetos. But when you&amp;#x27;re the kooky 65-year-old Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler, and you, as The Hollywood Reporter announced, cancel your keynote appearance at ASCAP&amp;#x27;s &amp;quot;I Create Music&amp;quot; Expo, the logical way to apologize to fans for missing the event is to drop trou on the Internet. That&amp;#x27;s right, y&amp;#x27;all: Tonight at 9:30 P.M. ET, he&amp;#x27;s doing a Google+ Hangout nekked. Not naked, but nekked. Naked is a child rub-a-dub-dubbing in a tub with a yellow rubber ducky while Kidz Bop music plays in the background. However, when you qualify for AARP bennies and choose to show your Werther&amp;#x27;s Originals to the world, you. Are. Nekked. No offense to Tyler, but I&amp;#x27;m pretty sure most people are not trying to see him sans clothes. So, with that in mind, I decided to offer suggestions on how he can make up for canceling his appearance to his fans: 1) Go on Jesse Jackson&amp;#x27;s Keep Hope Alive Radio Show. This probably sounds like a random suggestion, but from what I&amp;#x27;ve observed, going on Jesse&amp;#x27;s show seems to be the thing older white guys do when they mess up in life. Sure, canceling an appearance at an event your fans will be attending is a way smaller oopsie than a politician saying something incredibly un-PC, but I think it&amp;#x27;s always a safe bet to make a quick trip to Jesse&amp;#x27;s show with a basket of &amp;quot;We Shall Overcome&amp;quot; cookies just to make sure everything is cool. 2) Take his collection of multi-patterned scarves and throw them in the garbage, so his fans&amp;#x27; eyeballs can resume living a peaceful life like they&amp;#x27;re in a Diane Lane movie. OK, I know the scarves are a part of Tyler&amp;#x27;s signature look, but every time I look at him wearing one of them, my eyes basically do what I do when it&amp;#x27;s Friday and my boss gives me work to do five minutes before I&amp;#x27;m about to leave: Steven, I think I speak on behalf of all your fans when I say, &amp;quot;Please give our eyes a rest.&amp;quot; 3) Teach his fans to stop mashing their butts on other people&amp;#x27;s business like one does on an avocado to make guacamole. What I&amp;#x27;m trying to say is that all I see at parties are folks simply grinding on each other. Exhibit A: Why the heck is Hilary Clinton getting her grind on like this is prom and she was given a corsage in exchange for shaking her Kibbles and Bits on the dance floor? She&amp;#x27;s a grown-ass woman and should be doing the classic &amp;quot;I have to pee really badly, but the line to use the restroom is hella long&amp;quot; dance, a.k.a. stepping side-to-side and sucking your teeth. This is where Tyler comes in. In his music vids, he&amp;#x27;s always grooving, but never grinding. For instance, there&amp;#x27;s the &amp;quot;I Dropped My Smartphone On The Ground, But The Screen Didn&amp;#x27;t Crack&amp;quot;: and the &amp;quot;I Was Able To Clear My Internet Browser History Right Before My Friend Started Using My Computer, So I&amp;#x27;m Going In The Kitchen And Reward Myself With a Glass Of Crystal Light:&amp;quot; Teach us, Steven! We all need these dance moves in our repertoire to break up the monotony of grinding. 4) Force every female&amp;#x27;s lip game into early retirement by posting a picture of himself doing the college girl duck-face expression. Tyler&amp;#x27;s most famous physical feature is his naturally pouty mouth, so it only makes sense that he should get in on the selfie craze and take a pick of him pursing his lips together. I&amp;#x27;m sure the universe would explode if he did this (or maybe Twitter would just shut down for 20 minutes, which is pretty much like the universe self-destructing), but I can&amp;#x27;t think of a better way his fans would like to enter R.I.P.hood. 5) Give a tutorial on how to embrace your inner Mad Hatter. Look, Tyler dresses like a damn fool sometimes... ...but I commend him on marching to the beat of his own drummer. In this case, his drummer doesn&amp;#x27;t play the drums, but instead gets his whole wardrobe from the women&amp;#x27;s department of Talbots. 6) Give each and every single one of his fans $1. Not sure what this would accomplish because one really can&amp;#x27;t buy much with a buck these days, but I really feel as though everyone would be much happier if they got paid to not see his nekkedness, as opposed to looking at his birthday suit and wondering where they went wrong in life. Wouldn&amp;#x27;t you agree? 7) Put out a new song! Like, isn&amp;#x27;t that Tyler&amp;#x27;s job? Isn&amp;#x27;t that why he reunited with Aerosmith a few years ago? What have these dudes been doing if they&amp;#x27;re not making new music? I really believe his fans would appreciate it if he resumed doing the thing that made him famous instead of this publicity stunt. I mean, him getting naked for his fans is like swimsuit model Kate Upton putting on clothes and giving a TED talk. It&amp;#x27;s like, &amp;quot;No, honey, the world is only interested in you because you lie in the ocean so that your boobs float at the top of the water, like freshly cooked gnocchi. Stay in your lane.&amp;quot; The same goes for Tyler. Sing a new song, and your fans will appreciate it. Will you be tuning in to Steven Tyler&amp;#x27;s Google+ Hangout tonight at 9:30 P.M. ET/6:30 P.M. PT?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2013/04/seven-things-steven-tyler-can>