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" I spent last week in a cave on Mars with my fingers in my ears. My habit of using unattributed quotes is so firmly established that I frequently do it without noticing (fine. Simpsons. Sideshow Cecil) but this time I thought long and hard before stealing the analogy and I think it perfectly sums up the depth of my narcissism while awaiting genetic results. After some misunderstandings (faults on both sides. no hard feelings on my part and I hope none on that of the Mayo) I finally got the FISH results late Friday and I am very pleased that both fetii checked out fine for the most common of the common chromosomal problems: 21, 13, 18 and the sex chromosomes are where they should be. I have, however, reached a fever-pitch of anxiety as our REAL genetic results (the ones that incorporate Steve&amp;#039;s problem; also known as the great banes of my existence: chromosomes one and four) were due back Monday. Or more likely today. Possibly Wednesday. Thursday at the latest.  All this (the waiting and the shots and the ultrasounds and the blood tests and the waiting: six months for this cycle; four years trying) distills down to that anticipated phone call. More stressful than the fact that we are reaching a point of culmination is the reality that I want this so badly I feel like I am about to crawl out of my own skin. And the fact that I have no idea what we will do if we lose these two. I mean, apart from slither back into that Mars cave and stay there. I never wanted to end our reproductive journey in sorrow and that is probably the major reason that I have kept going for so long; this feeling that if I am just patient enough and resilient enough and willing to endure whatever I am given along the way, it will work out for us eventually. Then I would be able to take all of the pain and anger and jealousy and grief I have felt over the years and put it aside for when I need a compassion check. I don&amp;#039;t think that finally having a child erases the misery of having suffered though infertility, but I do believe it sure as hell beats the alternative of suffering without a happier ending. On the other hand, it is impossible right now to imagine going forward from this if we get terrible news this week.   Can you tell how tightly wound I am? What if you removed the chair upon which I am sitting and noticed that I remain unsupported in this half-crouched position of catlike readiness?  So I am anxious (understatement) and self-absorbed (more so than usual) and sorry because I neglected to give a big Upper Midwestern welcome to Lili who has finally arrived, as scheduled and much to my relief. Oh for welcome! as we might say here in the Northlands. I find writing this blog very stressful (yes. I am finding everything stress-inducing this week. but bear with me) because capital-I Infertility is such an enormous subject and one that is as tender as an impacted tooth. My story, such as it is, only represents about 0.0002% of the possibilities and I have felt my inadequacy keenly. While balanced translocatees (who have experienced repeated miscarriages before and after turning to IVF with PGD) and I speak each others&amp;#039; unspoken language, fluently; the more commonly trod paths of infertility are uncharted territories for me. Everything I know about PCOS, endometriosis, azoospermia, DES daughters, et cetera, et cetera, I have learned from reading other blogs and from you. The more cynical among you might assume that I keep asking for your stories because a plethora of comments on my posts makes me feel stroked and popular (and this is probably true on my personal blog) but actually I am anxious to fill in the blanks of my own experience with your own. I have said this before, but I could not be any more dedicated to making this blog a supportive community for everyone who identifies (in whatever way, even by proxy or curiosity) with the tag &amp;quot;infertile&amp;quot; than if participating here had been part of my court-mandated plea bargain. So I am very pleased that Lili is going to be around to add yet another voice and a new perspective. She is wickedly funny and very kind and while I completely understand where the upheaval originated this past week I am very, very sorry about it. My hope is that ya&amp;#039;ll will just settle for a bit and wait to see how the blog goes from here. And I hope that you will like it.  More than anything (selfishly) I hope that I am able to get some final genetic results later today. Either way I WILL deliver my baby shower manifesto this week \u2013 it is burning a hole in my desk. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/body/pregnancy-fertility/a1837/closer/>