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"  I&amp;#039;ve been thinking: If I could round up all the different types of crappy boyfriends, lock them in my mountain cabin, stamp the appropriate labels on their foreheads (cheater, mama&amp;#039;s boy, dorkweed, etc.), and then &amp;quot;lend&amp;quot; them to women like books (to study the cads&amp;#039; multifarious deficiencies), wouldn&amp;#039;t it be a brilliant way to read a rat and learn to avoid his type? So, until you receive my Biblioth\u00E8que of Bastards, dolls, these letters must suffice.  AUNTIE E&amp;#039;S CAD-ALOG   MR. BRUTEDEAR E. JEAN : A once-wonderful but now troublesome fellow (aka my boyfriend) cheated on me twice. (I broke it off both times, but he managed to persuade me to take him back\u2014and he still talks to the man-poachers in front of me!) He yells when he imagines I look at other guys. When I protest my innocence, he tells me that I&amp;#039;m &amp;quot;fat and ugly&amp;quot; (I&amp;#039;m 5&amp;#039;2&amp;quot;, 100 pounds, and gorgeous, thank you very much) and says that no other guy would ever want me. Worse, last week he actually attacked a man whom he felt threatened by and nearly killed him. Sadly, I still love him with all my heart. How can I break free?\u2014Crushed Without Him CRUSHED, MY DENSE DARLING : Pick up the damn phone, call the seedy little creep (who is so not worth space in ELLE), and end it. You&amp;#039;ve had plenty of practice breaking it off; this time don&amp;#039;t be timid. P.S. I warn you: He&amp;#039;ll cry like a baby, but don&amp;#039;t see him, don&amp;#039;t get in his car, don&amp;#039;t let him into your house, don&amp;#039;t let him visit your office. Call the police if he threatens you. He exhibits all the classic signs of abuse\u2014anger, ravenous jealousy, over-the-top aggression, and murderous impulses. The dangerous dude should be legally banned from all women on planet Earth.   MR. DOWN-LOWDEAR E. JEAN : Last night I found naked pictures that my boyfriend took of himself. If he&amp;#039;d simply been au naturel, I&amp;#039;d have giggled. But the images were posed to attract men: shots of himself animal-style from the back, shots lying on his stomach, shots with his fingers in his mouth. Ugh! I did an Internet search, and sure enough, there he was on a gay site with a profile stating that he&amp;#039;s bisexual. I&amp;#039;ve just moved from New York to Dublin to be with him and plan our wedding! Help!\u2014Devastated! MY DUCK : I wish the lad well, and I should advise you to be &amp;quot;sensitive&amp;quot; to his coming out\u2014but please. Tell the lying half-hatched little hen apple he&amp;#039;s a jive phony, then pack the Birkin and come back to New York. Auntie Eeee wants you here with thousands of handsome chaps who&amp;#039;ll help you forget bi-what&amp;#039;s-his-name.  E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  MR. SLOBDEAR E. JEAN : I&amp;#039;m tired, resentful, and frustrated because I&amp;#039;m constantly cleaning up after my boyfriend\u2014sweeping up the food he&amp;#039;s dropped to the floor, scrubbing the bathroom, rewashing the greasy dishes he says he washed, and putting away his mangy stuff that he strews all over my house. He&amp;#039;s sad that I&amp;#039;m never satisfied. When I&amp;#039;m not shouting, we&amp;#039;re talking about moving in together. What do you think?\u2014Heloise Hinting AHK! YOU FOUL FISHWIFE : A clean house is a holy joy, I agree. But the unused Swiffer in Lindsay Lohan&amp;#039;s bathroom is more amusing than you. Stop nagging and strip down to a pair of tennis briefs (the better to hold his attention), and show Sir Sloppy Clod how to Hoover the hardwood. If he doesn&amp;#039;t start picking up his jockstrap, either do not move in together or lighten up and hire an impecunious student to come once a week to swab out the joint.  MR. MONKDEAR E. JEAN : It&amp;#039;s been a year since my boyfriend and I had sex. We&amp;#039;ve been together five years, and you can count on two hands the number of times we&amp;#039;ve done it. He says he&amp;#039;s just &amp;quot;not into it.&amp;quot; Can this be true? Am I overreacting?\u2014Worried  SNOGGLE PUSS : If sex is important to you, you must either tell the fellow you&amp;#039;re taking a lover or end the relationship. I promise, Uncle Flagpole could be simply uninterested\u2014some magnificent people simply are not carnally inclined. On the other hand, if you aren&amp;#039;t inclined either, and if you could manage to add a bit of arguing to the fact of no sex, most people will probably agree: It&amp;#039;s time you get hitched.  MR. WELSHERDEAR E. JEAN : When my boyfriend and I broke up, he owed me $2,600. He promised to pay me and &amp;quot;close the chapter.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s been 10 months, and he hasn&amp;#039;t repaid a penny. Should I bring it up?\u2014No Bread in Boston NO, HUNNY : Unless the rascal signed an IOU (which can then be used as evidence in small claims court), chances are slim. However, he was your intimate, so you must know how to persuade him: a friendly/teasing call once a week, working out a payment agreement of $200 a month, making blowups of his picture and sticking them on every available surface within a six-block radius of his apartment with the word CROOK written on them...work it, girl. E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  Mr. MUSICIANDEAR E. JEAN : I have the cutest, sweetest, most talented, most intelligent boyfriend. He&amp;#039;s a musician and a dreamer. He&amp;#039;s also disorganized, terrible with money, paralyzed by fear, has shabby life skills, and sabotages himself constantly. I&amp;#039;m 31, a successful designer, superorganized, ambitious, and travel at the speed of light. I&amp;#039;d like to move forward with such a sweet love, but I&amp;#039;m worried that we may not make each other happy. Is it time to you-know-what or get off the pot?\u2014Torn TORN, MY TROLLYMOG : Awww, stop fretting and enjoy the lad. He&amp;#039;s so insubstantial, your love affair will soon sink; and, in the natural way of eager, energetic women...you&amp;#039;ll move on.  P.S. Do not get pregnant.  MR. CHEATER DEAR E. JEAN : I&amp;#039;m the mother of a beautiful four-month-old daughter. My husband, an executive with a Fortune 500 company, has been carrying on an affair with someone at work (and was just fired because of it). I&amp;#039;m willing to forgive him everything, if he&amp;#039;ll give up the girlfriend and concentrate on being a good dad and husband. He says he loves us both but refuses to leave the woman. Our marriage counselor gave us a week &amp;quot;to look into our hearts.&amp;quot; The deadline has passed. My husband refuses to talk. Please tell me what to do!\u2014Hopelessly Foolish MY DARLING : You&amp;#039;re so endearingly loyal, it breaks my heart to tell you: Your husband&amp;#039;s passion for that woman is so extravagant, he&amp;#039;s willing to sacrifice you, his daughter, and his career. Hire a lawyer (part of the settlement will include your husband paying your legal fees), kick him out of the house, and begin divorce proceedings. He may or may not come to his senses, so start planning right now for your independence and your daughter&amp;#039;s future. Good luck! We&amp;#039;ll all be pulling for you!  MR. SCROOGE DEAR E. JEAN : I&amp;#039;ve lived with this guy for two years. He seems to have long-term potential, but despite our possessing significant funds, he refuses to buy\u2014or allow me to buy\u2014furniture, paint, fabric, etc., to improve our home beyond its current dorm-room design. He&amp;#039;s in Europe working right now. Should I leave? Or wait for him to see the light?\u2014Tired of the Beer-Spattered Sofa TIRED, SWEETIE : Yes, show him the new light...and the new chair, the new sofa, and the new wall color. You do not need the tightwad&amp;#039;s permission to spend your own money on your own home! Gawd! He sounds like a twit. E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  MR. PLAYER DEAR E. JEAN : I met a man on match.com. We&amp;#039;re both lawyers in our late twenties. Three months into the relationship, I was stunned to hear he was still on Match. When I checked, there he was\u2014designated ONLINE NOW. I texted him that it was a shoddy way to behave. He replied he didn&amp;#039;t know how to cancel his membership and offered to take down his profile. It&amp;#039;s been almost a month, and he&amp;#039;s still on. Is it me, or does this sound weird?\u2014Astonished OH, PLEASE! This question comes in about five times a week. Match is fabulous, but statistics show that people enthralled in (real) love affairs don&amp;#039;t want to be anywhere near dating sites. Your lawyer is a lout. (Ninety-six percent of the seriously smitten guys on greatboyfriends.com ask to be taken down, remove themselves, or never log on again.)  MR. STINKERDEAR E. JEAN : I&amp;#039;m dating a lovely guy. I like him, but I notice when we go to clubs and dance, he smells really bad\u2014like a man who doesn&amp;#039;t use deodorant. My friends have noticed it and refuse to stand near him. How can I tell him without making him despise me?\u2014Whiff-Sawed WHIFF, MY BUTTERCUP : Just say: &amp;quot;Oh! You divinely tangy beast! You&amp;#039;re so vehemently masculine you need a little spritz of the old deod after the shower.&amp;quot; By tomorrow he&amp;#039;ll be smelling like David Beckham&amp;#039;s pocket square. E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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