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"FacebookPinterestGetty Images\n\nJeff: I have mid feelings about the Eagles, but God I have a weird craving (in the \"fixins bar\" sense) for them to win the NFC East.\n\nDavid:: To extend your fixins bar metaphor, the Eagles spent most of the season as the football equivalent of room-temperature sour cream with a moth in it. The idea that they're even in the conversation is ridiculous.\n\nJeff: If they can beat Dallas and Washington and the Jets beat the Giants, and then the Giants beat Dallas, the NFC East is all theirs. Not totally unlikely. In the end, I guess they've been just about as inconsistent as anyone else in the WWE, I mean NFL. I'll be watching them on Christmas Eve.\n\nDavid:: I'll be watching them in a bar called Puncher's with a bunch of goateed guys in Brent Celek jerseys who keep calling their wives and telling some elaborate falsehood about how they're at \"the fucking hospital, okay.\" Or I'll be doing that if everything in my life goes wrong between now and Christmas Eve.\n\n Jeff: \"I helped a bunch of people in a Sunglasses Hut kiosk collapse today, God forbid I should have a fucking beer to calm down afterwards...\" Also, we've taken his wife's casserole's to task but Whisenhunt has his team on a 6-1 run.\n\nDavid:: They've beaten some good teams in there, too. The Seahawks got to 7-7 because they beat the Rams five times. The Cardinals got there through, in no particular order, Whisenhunt reinstituting his controversial Arby's Bounties, John Skelton being a version of Tim Tebow that doesn't believe dinosaurs and humans were on the planet at the same time, and a good defense. They're admirable. Which doesn't at all change my opinion of Mrs. Whisenhunt's casserole, which had way too many raisins in it for my taste.\n\nJeff: I feel like the Jon Gruden New Yorker profile  should have made our top ten list last week. I spaced adding it. Any time film is dissected and spliced in a Tampa strip mall, I feel we're better as a civilization\n\nDavid:: Him getting up at 3:17am and going to work was the most gratifying and least surprising thing about that piece. Also him calling lame players \"slapdicks\" is something I want to adopt in my own life. Although I'll have to do so without saying the word out loud, because I don't really want to say that out loud.\n\nJeff: I know how painful 3:17 a.m. is. There has to be some inextinguishable passion, some deity caressing your, shoulders? Also: insanity. I've done it a handful of times, and it's always resulted in a goiter or hair loss or a canker sore across my whole face.\n\nDavid:: I have been awake at that hour so many times. But never because of an alarm.\n\nJeff: I'd get to that strip mall and go right back to sleep. I don't care how dazzling Ray Rice catching screens looks.\n\nDavid:: They'd find me passed out in front of the Jamba Juice with a sleeping cap and one of those one-piece union suit numbers on. Zubaz. Bengals logo on the butt flap.\n\nDavid:: There was actually something gratifying about seeing how on fire (with insanity) he is for the game.\n\nJeff: And he cuts his own tape. That alone. Jesus.\n\n David:: Of course he cuts his own tape, right? What else is he going to do, read a novel? Ask his wife how her day was?\n\nJeff: \"To provide context to anyone who has ever worked at ESPN/ABC. Now I was thinking here, when John Skelton rolls out to his right, I've noticed a hiccup in his delivery.\"\n\n\"Well, actually, most of what he does is a hicc--\"\n\n \"YES! BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY! Here's 32 instances where I've caught it. I've actually spoken to his high school gym teacher who thinks he overpronates because he was used to heaving newspapers on his route that way--44 papers, early morning, M thru F.\"\n\nDavid:: Also he's barking into the phone at some guy who usually just sells subscriptions to ESPN the Magazine. Dude's like \"Coach Gruden, what size performance fleece do you want?\"\n\nJeff: Gruden's kind of like the Clarice Starling of announcers. \"I uncovered something in Kevin Smith's footwork on the sideline as he was getting a Gatorade...\"\n\nDavid:: Or like Maureen Dowd is with politicians' clothing. \"The pleats tell me one thing: Romeo Crennel is unsure about Kyle Orton's ability to remember which team is which.\"\n\nDavid:: It will almost be a waste if Gruden winds up coaching again. I do respect/fear his inability to take it easy. It kind of makes me worried about Dick Vermeil. Who is not broadcasting, but is probably waking up at 3:17 a.m. and just has nothing to do. He's either reading all of Gogol or watching a lot of TV. Ordering Forever Lazies for his nieces or whatever. \"Carol, I'm done apologizing. It looked very warm and that was a limited-time price.\" Then he weeps.\n\nJeff: Dick Vermeil is like teaching lamaze class somewhere. Or should be.\n\nDavid:: He's teaching seniors how to cook heart-healthy meals.\n\nJeff: I can see him smile/crying at the same time, finding one of his \"students\" frying some potatoes in butter. \"Gosh, Gordon, you old son of a bitch! We're gonna get you OFF of this stuff. Now where did you hide those caramels?\" But I could also see him just riding the city bus offering unsanctioned lamaze classes to pregnant women. \"C'mon. Breathe!\"\n\n David:: Because Vermeil seems like a nice but weird uncle, I want him to be happy. I want to believe that Marty Schottenheimer is okay, for instance. But I'm pretty sure he's not.\n\nJeff: I wish Marty Schottenheimer was running for president. There's so much we could learn from the guy.\n\nDavid:: Schottenheimer should run for Commissioner of the Air Force. Which is not an office, but is a non-office in which he would serve with pride and distinction.\n\nJeff: Schottenheimer should be like a SAT coach. Most of his kids are smart but just kind of tank the test.\n\nDavid:: I am haunted by the image of him pacing around his front yard like a stir-crazy animal, wearing the aviator shades and periodically clapping his hands or throwing his headset to the ground in disgust, depending on the traffic. I hope he reads or has gotten into Sudoku or something.\n\nJeff: I feel like the Texans made a statement tonight, and that statement was: \"We aren't the Jaguars...? And we stand by that?\" The cover of the GAME DAY program was \"Texans have nervous laugh down pat!\"\n\nDavid:: T.J. Yates has caught Caleb Hanie's Disease. It is terminal. But I'm still not sure how they lost. They dominated the game, it seems like. I can only assume it was another case of Too Much Orlovsky.\n\nJeff: Two division wins in a row, probably means nothing for Jim Caldwell. It does not slow the speed at which the Jiffy Lube clipboard is traveling towards him.\n\nJeff: The McCown Christmas you've been publicly clamoring for has is now coming true. \n\nDavid:: I cannot wait to unwrap the 63-yard overthrows. I feel like McCown should change his name to Blond Quarterback.\n\nJeff: NBC should just say \"You know what--we're cool moving this game to Saturday and not touching it, nor ever speaking of it again.\"\n\nDavid:: \"It's online somewhere. Torrent it or something. We're just going to run like five episodes of Whitney and a test pattern, or video of Bob Costas sleeping.\"\n\nJeff: No Bears passer now will get over a 44 passer rating. There will be a lot of 2.1 yard scampers. \"We respect that this is football. So the guys are wearing the official unis and pads...\"\n\nDavid:: \"But we're out here today for one reason, guys: because it is apparently a rule that we have to be out here. On three, 'BE SAFE.'\"\n\nJeff: \"...Beyond that... many of these guys work for Prudential and Auntie Anne's pretzels and have never played football before on a professional level, so we're looking forward to building on the tradition.\"\n\nDavid:: Lovie Smith wandering around the mall, like, \"Let me see your neck, son. That is a good thick neck. Can you play left tackle?\"\n\nJeff: \"Listen, we've got a bit of a situation vis a vis our match-up against the Packers. We need you to play offensive line.\"\n\n\"I was on a D-III badminton team.\"\n\n\"That'll work.\"\n\nDavid:: \"So you have what it takes to be a Chicago Bear?\"\n\nJeff: \"For 60 minutes or less, as we head towards an epic collapse.\"\n\n David:: \"Because I think I have what it takes to coach the Bears.\"\n\nJeff: \"Or a similar team.\"\n\nDavid:: \"We're cool just showing up for the games, unless... is this BYOB or what?\"\n\n Jeff: Getting TROUNCED at home by the Seahawks. Losing a professional game to the Chiefs.\n\nDavid:: \"Fellas, what's important is that you hung with them for a half and many of your jerseys are clean enough to just wear next week. So thanks for that, of course. Let's go get some ice cream, what do you say?\"\n\nJeff: \"We're just like you, Packers! The Chiefs had our numbers, too.\"\n\nDavid:: Is it that hard to find a backup quarterback who gives you a chance to win? It can't be, right? I think there are teams that just choose old dudes/Jim Sorgi to prove a point. If the Jets actually had to ask Mark Brunell to play three games in a row, they'd be sued by one of those law firms that handles \"elder violations\" at nursing homes. Some stern-faced spokesman would be crowing about how they made the Jets pay. Mark Brunell is exactly as capable of being a NFL quarterback as is Ted Danson.\n\nJeff: Is it really that complex? I mean beyond \"talent\" and \"intangibles\" Our back up QB is a fellow named Nathan. He will \"get the nod\" and \"fumble the nod\" and has until yesterday, never SEEN a football. We are charging $127 a ticket to watch him go out there, and accidentally bring his diary and chemistry beakers onto the field.\n\nDavid:: And there are so many jokers out there that can actually kind of quarterback. Billy Volek is like the 20th best quarterback in the NFL right now, and I'm pretty sure he is running a bar and grill called Backupz right now. It's in a strip mall with a Curves and four empty storefronts.\n\nJeff: Then again the Bills didn't lose a QB and have lost like 9 games in a row.\n\nDavid:: They lost everyone except their quarterback. Poor Ryan Fitzpatrick is seriously just surrounded by area bouncers and tough-man contest runners-up now. Most of the offensive line doesn't wear helmets. Just denim jackets and Oakleys.\n\nJeff: Yeah, losing Fred Jackson isn't ideal. I was all set to pull stats on the Dolphins game and see that Losman went back up to Buffalo and did it. But no, Matt Moore was back in. Reggie Bush got over 200 yards rushing. That is news to no one but me at this point. Still...strange.\n\nDavid:: I was really sad that Losman didn't get to play. And not just because Matt Moore risked brain trauma in an attempt to get his team to six wins or whatever.\n\nJeff: I think at some point Losman will player/coach a team named the Diamontes. It's a team named after a Mitsubishi sedan.\n\nDavid:: \"Our attitude, as a team, is pretty much 'Sure, yeah.'\"\n\nJeff: I would love it if Rex Ryan and Tom Coughlin took the field at halftime to admit \"We're atrocious.\"\n\nDavid:: Oh man, that game. Those two teams, right now, could get in a pie-eating contest and both somehow wind up on fire and covered in hornets.\n\nJeff: \"No one told us these were Tabasco pies, but the blame ultimately lies with me. These guys knew the parameters of pie-eating contests but I did not have them prepared. Except for Snee.\"\n\nJeff: I would love if \"The Playoffs\" were actually a target on that field and so Mike Shanahan could land on it with a parachute.\n\nDavid:: Shanahan's target should just be one giant seething eyeball. Shanahan would insist on jumping with a parachute he made himself.\n\nJeff: \"We fell right off of our stools and our jaw hinges got rusty.\"\n\nDavid:: I want to offer our readership, right now, $100 for a picture of Tom Coughlin in either a pair of jams, or a leather jacket.\n\nJeff: I am certain he has a \"conservative\" Giants leather jacket. Like a Regis Philbin model. BIO: Grandpa, prefers \"stick\" pretzels and the truth. \"I know tastes have changed but i am in firmly in Mister Salty's Navy.\"\n\nDavid:: Is there a Regis by Regis Philbin line of NFL gear? Like pocket handkerchiefs and belly shirts and shiny ties?\n\nJeff: Gear for guys who still like to snap their fingers as a show of enthusiasm and/or joy and/or rhythm. I feel like Taio Cruz and the Goo Goo Dolls are performing together at halftime of Giants vs. Jets. And that there will be firefighters there, who have taken a vow of partial sobriety. They will try.\n\nDavid:: Not successfully.\n\nJeff: Your presence at this game will keep fans pious and humble.\n\nDavid:: Lots of dress uniforms with Jericho Cotchery jerseys on over them.\n\nJeff: We allowed in 10,000 NY, LI, and NJ fire personnel and are giving them free O'Douls and each a free helicopter ride home to stand with us, so that fans won't fight in the stands.\n\nDavid:: \"Really a class move by these organizations, there, offering the helicopter rides.\" - Tony Siragusa\n\nJeff: I'd pay for just different CAM views of sections. Dial me into section 318 there's a woman in pink Sanchez jersey has a man in Otis Anderson throwback in headlock.\n\nDavid:: It won't seem so funny if it ends in nuclear war between North Jersey and Long Island. You know they're both capable and more than willing.\n\nme: \"I did get access to the codes and admit that there was a lot of friendly fire. I looked at it as first: I want to kill people. That's always been an unresolved passion. And then I hoped they were Jets fans. My father-in-law in Port Washington was one of them. And he's actually a Giants fan. Sorry. The upside is that now there are a lot of radioactive Honda Civics at Manfredi auto.\n\n David:: \"Anyway, if you want to get out of here, you talk to me.\" /straightens bandolier, revs engine of armored sedan.\n\nI like that the Colts have a TE named Tamme (pronounced like an aging female poodle).\n\nDavid:: It's one of the funniest names. Orlovsky to Tammy: \"Can I buy you a kamikaze shot, or what?\"\n\nJeff: Orlovsky is at the press conference saying Reggie Wayne deserves an opportunity to catch TD.\n\nDavid:: \"It has been seriously a year since that happened. A lot of people don't know that he has been playing all year.\"\n\nJeff: Reggie Wayne is like \"Yeah, um, thanks\"\n\nDavid:: \"The charity of Dan Orlovsky means a lot to me, as a six-time Pro Bowl pick and multi-millionaire.\"\n\nJeff: \"I think Walter Payton deserves touches. That's...fair.\"\n\nDavid:: \"Thanks for the input, Tomczak.\"\n\nJeff: If you hate football at this point, someone uploaded the whole Charley Varrick on YouTube. If you want to know where Tarantino got the line about pliers and a blow torch, look no further. Also, if you work at the Film Forum, would you let me host a \"Mostly Matthau\" series?\n\n\n\nJeff Johnson whines almost hourly here, and is cruel to sportscards here and here. \n\nDavid Roth co-writes the Wall Street Journal's Daily Fix blog, writes the sports column \"The Mercy Rule\" at Vice.com, and writes regularly for The Awl, among other places. He tweets here."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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