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"FacebookPinterest\n\n\"In the 1990s, I made love to one of the stars of Friends. Truth be told, she wasn't that good in bed, and she was desperate and she embarrassed me and herself.\"\n\n\"I'm really, really, really, really excited to offer my own new signature line of Trump Body Sprays and Oils. These are gonna be the number one sprays and oils in the world by next year. I already have Scott Disick signed up to endorse.\"\n\n\"My Trump Sprays and Oils have vitamins and nutrients in them that you've never even heard of. Top scientists at Hofstra. Top scientists from Stony Brook. A fisherman in Chile. What else do you want?\"\n\n\"I have before me, on this 100% mahogany desk in my New York City office, an agreement to purchase Arby's. I'm going to take it in a new direction: lots of dark wood, you're going to be able to smoke cigars. Everyone is going to love it.\"\n\n\"....Arby's used to stand for 'America's Roast Beef, Yes Sir' and the major problem with it has been that now we don't know who's roast beef it is. China's? Chavez's? And the other problem is people quit saying 'sir' when ordering it, or even discussing it. So Roast Beef Manners is the new book I am launching synonymously with Jack and Suzy Welch. And it's bigger than just a table manners book. It's a guide to life. I wouldn't expect you to understand it right away.\"\n\n\"I'm turning my quest for the truth over to you, America. The first person to come to me with incontrovertible truth that President Obama is homosexual or foreign or whatever is going to get his or her house 'Trump'd.' That means I'll have my people come in and give it all the premium fixtures and finishes you find in Trump residences. Marble floors. Gold-colored toilets. A freezing cold lobby with Vivaldi playing over speakers and a bunch of black leather furniture. The whole deal.\"\n\n\"My ambition to take over the Tavern on the Green and restore it to its landmark elegance has now come full circle, and I present to you TRUMP Tavern on the Green Olive Garden Central Park. And the entrees aren't going to be done on the cheap. And they're not going to come on the cheap, so for a lot of you, this will probably be something you'll only be able to experience by watching my new pressure-filled, chef-based reality show on NBC.\"\n\n\"I am going to be parting my hair on the other side from now on, which will offer conclusive proof to all you bottom feeders out there that it's real.\"\n\n\"When Hugh Hefner dies, I am going to have him taxidermied and mounted in the lobby of my offices.\"\n\n\"Sometimes, real late at night, I'm about talking about when Melania is in Aspen with her girlfriends and Donald Jr.'s already got other plans, getting himself a steak at Del Frisco's, and I'm all alone, I lie down in my 64-karat-gold bathtub, and I imagine hurting myself. I think I need help. I really do.\"\n\n\"I've found a loophole that makes gambling legal if you're in NYC and riding around in a limo. So you can look for me to make a play in that area.\"\n\n\"I am in on the joke.\"\n\n\"I'll be having dinner tonight with the fabulous Sally Kellerman.\"\n\n\"I have absolutely nothing of consequence to say.\"\n\n\"I am also launching 'Honey Wipes' with the Koch Brothers' company Georgia Pacific. You know how that plastic Honey Bear gets squeezed and then you have coagulated, dried honey at the top of, well, basically whatever apparatus/container you're using? Well these sanitary 1 inch by 1 inch disposable paper squares will solve that. We're getting Dennis Miller to do the commercials. BIggest thing in America. Use them on other condiment containers if you want. Go nuts with it.\"\n\n\"Michael Beach WILL be joining the next season of Celebrity Apprentice.\"\n\n\"I will be making an online statement tomorrow outlining my thoughts on rape.\"\n\n\"I will be building a brand new, five-star Trump Resort golf course on the roof of Barclay's Center.\"\n\n\"Did you know that I'm actually only three feet tall?\"\n\n\"If the President agrees to fight Jose Canseco in a four-round bout at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City later this week, I will open a series of Trump Premium Soup Kitchens in inner-city Chicago. I'm sure Obama would like that, but I'm especially sure all the poor guys will love the premium steaks and classy bisques that will be available.\"\n\n\"I don't know if this really qualifies as a secret, but I just wanted to remind everyone that my Donald J. Trump line of premium neckties is available at Macy's, Sears and Rite Aid, among other retailers.\"\n\n\u2014Drew Magary, David Roth, Jeff Johnson, Mark Lotto, and Devin Gordon"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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