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"  With absolutely no warning, Beyonc\u00E9 nonchalantly dropped a new album on iTunes last night and the Internet/world had a shit fit. Sometimes people were mad, but mostly just giddy excited. Her fifth studio album, it&amp;#039;s a self-titled affair and 14 glorious tracks long. Guest vocalists include hubby Jay Z, Drake, Frank Ocean and Miss Blue Ivy Carter herself. There&amp;#039;s also a video for each and every song on the record, which I&amp;#039;m going to need to lie down before I address because Beyonc\u00E9 the album is just that good. Beyonc\u00E9 the person/diva/superstar is also just that good. Also, most of the album is about sex. Let&amp;#039;s consider it all: &amp;quot;Pretty Hurts&amp;quot;  This is basically Beyonc\u00E9 after hate-watching a Toddlers &amp;amp;amp; Tiaras marathon that runs until 3 a.m. on TLC one Friday night. (We&amp;#039;ve all been there, with a large tub of ice cream.) She&amp;#039;s not a fan of pageant culture, apparently. Sample lyrics:  &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s my soul that needs surgery / Plastic smiles and denial can only take you so far&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Perfection is the disease of a nation&amp;quot; Also this, which I am officially making my new mantra: &amp;quot;PAGEANT THE PAIN AWAY.&amp;quot; Lyrical perfection, and we&amp;#039;re only on the first track. &amp;quot;Haunted&amp;quot; Beyonc\u00E9 is sad that everyone has to work so hard in mundane jobs &amp;quot;just to stay alive&amp;quot; even though of course her life is just fabulous and probably not hard work at all. &amp;quot;Haunted&amp;quot; is a sharp critique of postmodern culture, except then all of a sudden there&amp;#039;s a bunch of nasty sex talk. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;The bedroom&amp;#039;s my runway / Slap me! / I&amp;#039;m pinned to the doorway / Kiss, bite, fuck me.&amp;quot; Also this, which I&amp;#039;m just putting out there with no comment: &amp;quot;My wicked tongue / Where will it be?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Drunk in Love&amp;quot; The title says it all. This song, featuring Jay Z, is about Mr. and Mrs. Carter 1) getting tipsy and 2) being in love. (Also, more sex.) It&amp;#039;s lovely, and as extravagant as you&amp;#039;d expect their drinking sessions to be. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;I get filthy when that liquor gets into me&amp;quot; &amp;quot;We walk up in the kitchen saying / &amp;#039;How in hell did this shit happen?&amp;#039; / Oh baby, drunk in love we be all night&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Blow&amp;quot; This is an awesome disco moment so you should probably go put on that Saturday Night Fever costume you wore once to a &amp;quot;dress up as a film&amp;quot; party. It&amp;#039;s so good it totally warrants John Travolta moves. (Also, still more sex.)  Now, just what do you think Beyonce&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;skittles&amp;quot; are a metaphor for? Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;Can you lick my skittles / That&amp;#039;s the sweetest in the middle / Pink that&amp;#039;s the flavor&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I can&amp;#039;t wait &amp;#039;til I get home so you can turn that cherry out, turn that cherry out, turn that cherry out.&amp;quot; P.S. if you check out the lyrics page at RapGenuis.com there&amp;#039;s a helpful (read: eye-opening) explanation as to what skittles are in this context. &amp;quot;No Angel&amp;quot; Yes, Beyonc\u00E9 is still talking about sex and after four songs of this in a row, she&amp;#039;s understandably breathy/breathless at this point. So much so that the chorus here is sung one. word. at. a. time. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re not an angel either, but at least I&amp;#039;m trying / I know I drive you crazy, but would you rather that I be a machine&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Underneath the pretty face is something complicated / I come with a side of trouble / But I know that&amp;#039;s why you&amp;#039;re staying&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Partition&amp;quot; Still sex, I repeat, Beyonc\u00E9 is still having sex. This time in a cab. Oh and there&amp;#039;s a fun social media mention in the first verse, &amp;quot;All on Instagram, cake by the pound.&amp;quot; In an Instagram context, this could be cake literally (as in cupcakes, vegan cupcakes Beyonc\u00E9 herself baked, because everyone loves sepia-filtered cupcake photos) or metaphorically (as in booty, because booty shots are popular too). Other sample lyrics \u2014 basically the whole chorus needs to be acknowledged: &amp;quot;Driver roll up the partition please / I don&amp;#039;t need you seeing &amp;#039;yonce on her knees / Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up / We ain&amp;#039;t even gonna make it to this club / Now my mascara running, red lipstick smudged / Oh he so horny, he want to fuck / He bucked all my buttons, he ripped my blouse / He Monica Lewinski all on my gown.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Jealous&amp;quot; OK, so now Beyonc\u00E9 is not having sex. There is an absence of sex in Beyonc\u00E9&amp;#039;s life right now, and she is not happy about it. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m in my penthouse half naked / I cooked this meal for you naked / So where the hell you at?&amp;quot; Naked baking! Always a good time, until your boob gets in the way of the oven. &amp;quot;Rocket&amp;quot; Don&amp;#039;t worry, because now Beyonc\u00E9 is having sex again. Possibly she read 50 Shades of Grey while writing it. You only need one guess as to what the &amp;quot;rockets&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;waterfalls&amp;quot; in this song are references to. Personally, I prefer the ol&amp;#039; &amp;quot;skittles&amp;quot; metaphor but &amp;#039;yonc\u00E9 (as she&amp;#039;s now going by per this album) needs to keep it fresh. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;So rock right up to / The side of my mountain / Climb until you reach my peak babe, my peak, the peak / And reach right into the bottom of my fountain&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Mine&amp;quot; This song features Drake, a rapper with whom it would be inappropriate for &amp;#039;yonc\u00E9 to have sex with, or perhaps even sing about having sex with, as she&amp;#039;s married. Thus, &amp;quot;Mine&amp;quot; considers the non-sexual nature of relationships; well, the times when you talk about sex without actually having it. And not in the &amp;quot;talk dirty to me&amp;quot; foreplay kind of way either, just in sappy, theoretical terms. Drake&amp;#039;s verse does get a little raunchy, but he just can&amp;#039;t help himself sometimes. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;I just wanna say, you&amp;#039;re mine, you&amp;#039;re mine / Fuck what you heard, you&amp;#039;re mine, you&amp;#039;re mine / All I&amp;#039;m really asking for is you&amp;quot; &amp;quot;XO&amp;quot; Remember that time Beyonc\u00E9 had a fun day out at Coney Island and rode the Cyclone? A reminder, this is Beyonc\u00E9 on the Cyclone:  And this is you on a similar rollercoaster:   Beyonc\u00E9 wins. She always wins. Anyway. that video is for &amp;quot;XO.&amp;quot; And the song is about cotton candy and theme park ride-induced nausea. Just kidding, it&amp;#039;s about sex. SEX. God, Blue Ivy is going to be mortified when she realizes her first single is on an album that&amp;#039;s basically a window into her parents&amp;#039; bedroom funtimes. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;Baby take me / Before they turn the lights out / Before time is run out / Baby love me lights out&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I love it like XO / You love me like XO / You kill me boy XO / You love me like XO&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Flawless&amp;quot; This track lives up to its name; get ready to be obsessed with it. &amp;quot;Flawless&amp;quot; is a sharp synth mix of &amp;quot;Bow Down / I Been On,&amp;quot; the Hit Boy-produced number Beyonc\u00E9 premiered back in March, with parts of a TED talk on feminism given by Nigerian author Chimamamda Ngozi Adichie. It also features snippets from a 1987 episode of Star Search, in which B competed as part of a group called Girls Tyme. (Kelly Rowland was there too! But not Michelle. Ugh, poor Michelle.) Watch their performance here, and be amazed:      Oh, also some sample lyrics, courtesy of Chimamanda: &amp;quot;We teach girls to shrink themselves / To make themselves smaller / We say to girls / &amp;#039;You can have ambition / But not too much / You should aim to be successful / But not too successful / Otherwise you will threaten the man&amp;#039;&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Superpower&amp;quot; Obviously Beyonc\u00E9 has many superpowers, but one of the most obvious ones is her voice (she keeps the telekinesis under wrap because it makes lesser mortals uncomfortable). &amp;quot;Superpower&amp;quot; is a lilting, light ballad with Frank Ocean about the power of a longstanding relationship and its effect on your self-worth. Very empowering, really. Sample lyrics:  &amp;quot;I thought the world would move on / Without us, without us, without us / But nothing I know could slow us down&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Super power / Like a shark / Super power / Like a bear&amp;quot; (Beyonce does, however, not clarify who she would favor in a big fight between a bear and a shark.) &amp;quot;Heaven&amp;quot; Another ballad! This time with a piano, so it&amp;#039;s serious business. It is not about sex and instead might also be about someone who died, which is seriously sad business. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;Heaven couldn&amp;#039;t wait for you / No heaven couldn&amp;#039;t wait for you / So go on, go home&amp;quot; (That&amp;#039;s basically the only lyric, repeated over and over. It&amp;#039;s beautiful, though.)  &amp;quot;Blue&amp;quot; This song ACTUALLY features Blue Ivy. (Suri Cruise could never.) &amp;quot;Blue&amp;quot; is a dedication, all about a mother&amp;#039;s love for her child \u2014 because Beyonc\u00E9 can write a song about that sort of thing and then buy Blue Ivy designer clothes with the proceeds, a further illustration of that love. And, you know, after all the sex this album recounts, Blue Ivy popping up isn&amp;#039;t too much of a surprise. Sample lyrics: &amp;quot;Each day I feel so blessed to be looking at you / &amp;#039;Cause when you open your eyes, I feel alive / My heart beats so damn quick when you say my name&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Been-sy-ay / Been-sy-ay / Mami, mami, mami&amp;quot; Yes, that is Blue Ivy. Because she&amp;#039;s allowed to mispronounce Queen B&amp;#039;s name like that. Follow Alex on Twitter. Photo credit: courtesy of Beyonce / iTunes "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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