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" When you&amp;#039;ve got a newborn needing you pretty much every waking minute of the day (and most of your sleeping ones too), getting back into getting it on with your guy might be the last thing on your mind. Or maybe you&amp;#039;re obsessed with sex \u2014 as in, racked with guilt and anxiety about the quantity and quality you&amp;#039;re having or, let&amp;#039;s be honest, not having. Lucky for you, REDBOOK Love Network expert Ian Kerner, Ph.D., and Heidi Raykeil can help. Here, the coauthors of Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents&amp;#039; Guide to Getting It On Again answer your toughest questions about post-baby sex. Their advice will reassure you (and your guy!), and start you and him on a fun, playful trip back to bed. So congrats on your baby, and welcome to your new life \u2014 as a mom who&amp;#039;s still the sexy woman you&amp;#039;ve always been. Q: &amp;quot;I want to want sex, but with the stretch marks and the sleep deprivation and the spit-up, I just don&amp;#039;t feel sexy anymore \u2014 and I spend so much time with a baby hanging on me that I don&amp;#039;t want anyone else to touch me. Am I ever going to feel like a hottie again?&amp;quot; CW, 28, Tampa, FL Heidi Raykeil: I hear a lot of women say they feel &amp;quot;touched out&amp;quot; by motherhood; what we&amp;#039;re often really saying is that we&amp;#039;re &amp;quot;intimacied out.&amp;quot; All day we&amp;#039;re getting \u2014 and, more important, giving \u2014 all the emotional intensity we can handle. So sure, the idea of staying up and getting intimate with our guys is often not nearly as appealing as, say, catching some z&amp;#039;s or vegging out in clean pj&amp;#039;s. I say don&amp;#039;t fight it. Give up the idea of the mythical Hot Mama. That only puts more pressure on you \u2014 which is anti-sexy. Instead I say focus on Hot Moments. Find those times when you have an inkling of hot. Maybe it&amp;#039;s a sexy thought out of the blue, a fantasy about the new doctor on House, the sensation of taking a bath alone. Take note of what led to that however-fleeting feeling and stay with it as long as you can. Keep it up, and after a while not only will you begin to see the world in a hotter light, but most likely you&amp;#039;ll also reaffirm that you really are still a sexual person. Just a really tired, spit-up-soaked one. Ian Kerner: And speaking for the guys, Heidi, anything we can do to help you out with those &amp;quot;inklings of hot,&amp;quot; just let us know. We have no shortage of inklings and Hot Moments on our end. Even though we&amp;#039;re dads now, we&amp;#039;re still guys, which means that we still think about sex at least a thousand times a day, and more often than not it&amp;#039;s you who&amp;#039;s making us think about it. So you may not &amp;quot;feel&amp;quot; like a hottie, but to us you are \u2014 even when you least expect it. Just now, when you bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher, inkling of hot! Right there, when you changed into those ugly no-sex pajamas, inkling of hot! Heck, even brushing your teeth \u2014 inkling of hot! Q: &amp;quot;How can I find the energy for sex after a long day with baby and housework and errands? I have the drive; I&amp;#039;m just exhausted!&amp;quot; SG, 35, Canton, MI HE: Okay, we get it: You&amp;#039;re overworked and overtired. So let us make it easy for you. You don&amp;#039;t have to do anything \u2014 just lie there in some nice lingerie and we&amp;#039;ll take care of the rest. SHE: Seriously, the sad truth is that sex can feel like work, even if all we have to do is lie there and &amp;quot;enjoy it.&amp;quot; For too many of us, getting into that head space of being able to enjoy sex is a job unto itself! Let&amp;#039;s not forget that the biggest sex organ for women really is the brain...and we need some serious brain foreplay before we can get into it. HE: That&amp;#039;s right. We men need to be reminded that the real trick to turning on a woman is to help her turn off her baby/housework/stress brain. Research has shown that in women, much more so than in men, activity in the parts of the brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety, and emotion reduces during sex \u2014 so letting go of fear and anxiety is the key to really getting into sex. SHE: So as women we have to avoid looking at the overwhelming to-do list, and we also have to ask for help with that stack of dirty dishes in order to get ourselves in the mood for sex. HE: Okay, I&amp;#039;ll go change a poopy diaper and clean the bathroom and pick up my dirty socks. But I&amp;#039;d better get some sex. SHE: Sounds like foreplay to me. Q: &amp;quot;After my 3-year-old daughter was born, my husband and I were back in the game after six weeks, no problem. But four months ago I gave birth to twins, and now I have almost no sex drive. We used to have sex at least five times a week, and now we&amp;#039;re lucky if it&amp;#039;s once. I don&amp;#039;t lubricate, and sex is painful. Is this hormonal, normal, to be expected after twins? I&amp;#039;m scared I&amp;#039;ll never get my fun sex life back.&amp;quot; KB, 32, Chandler, AZ SHE: In the months after giving birth, my body seemed to have one mission: Take care of this baby \u2014 certainly don&amp;#039;t make another! I imagine that with twins it&amp;#039;s double the physical and emotional hurdles: double the hormones, double the sleep deprivation, double the fun...or not. HE: There are lots of reasons why new moms lose interest in sex. Some are obvious \u2014 exhaustion, fear of pain, change in their body image \u2014 and some are not so obvious: postpartum depression, tearing of blood vessels in the vagina that reduces lubrication, even breast-feeding, which increases the release of prolactin and reduces desire. So yes, much of what you&amp;#039;re feeling is normal. But the good news is that you know you can get back to great sex because you had it before. SHE: I think it&amp;#039;s a losing game to compare pre-baby sex to post-baby sex. Now is a great time for you both to focus on the quality rather than the quantity. Forget about the number of times per week, and just do it. It will get easier and easier with practice, and soon you can get back into talking dirty instead of talking yourself into it. HE: And here&amp;#039;s your three-word mantra: lubrication, lubrication, lubrication! Q: &amp;quot;How do I explain to my husband that I may need some extra tender loving care right now \u2014 in a way that&amp;#039;s non-confrontational and actually gets results?&amp;quot; JS, 31, Durham, NC SHE: I hear you. If I ask for a massage or to cuddle, my husband literally seizes the opportunity and ends up &amp;quot;massaging&amp;quot; my derriere! Cuddle means cuddle! HE: My wife calls me &amp;quot;the boy who cried cuddle&amp;quot; because I&amp;#039;m always saying, &amp;quot;Come on, I just want to cuddle,&amp;quot; and then I end up making a move. SHE: And we end up getting the classic &amp;quot;poke&amp;quot; in the back. I don&amp;#039;t think it&amp;#039;s possible for a guy to &amp;quot;just cuddle.&amp;quot; HE: Okay, well here&amp;#039;s a tip for all women who want a little more TLC: Wrap your desire for intimacy in a nice sexy package in order to get the extra loving you need. Tell your husband you had a sexy thought about him, and when he asks you to elaborate (which he will), tell him you were thinking about kissing and cuddling together and then he massaged you and doted on your body and that, well, one thought led to another.... SHE: Explain to him that it&amp;#039;s like a touch bank. Lots of little touches and sweetness over time equal, most likely, a big touch back at him. And remember that he might be TLC-deprived too. Make sure you&amp;#039;re giving the good stuff: hugs, asking about his day, checking in with his feelings. Yes: man-feelings. They do exist. HE: And the great thing about the touch bank is that unlike most investments these days, this one actually promises a guaranteed return.  Q: &amp;quot;All the other new moms I know talk about how they never want to have sex...but my sex drive is higher than ever! Am I a freak?&amp;quot; SM, 39, Brooklyn, NY HE: You&amp;#039;re not a freak \u2014 you&amp;#039;re lucky! At least you are if your partner is on the same page. These days more and more guys are the ones who have low interest or sexual dysfunction due to stress or being a bit freaked out by their wife&amp;#039;s new status as &amp;quot;mother,&amp;quot; and they&amp;#039;re taking their time to adjust. SHE: I&amp;#039;ve heard from lots of moms who feel sexier after having babies; they feel empowered by their bodies and confident and loved in a new way, which is good for their libidos. Some moms even report more sensitive nipples (in a positive way!) and other sexy benefits from breast-feeding. Q: &amp;quot;My husband makes me feel really guilty about how little we have sex now that we have kids, but when he acts all resentful, it makes me feel even less in the mood to have sex with him. How do we break the stalemate?&amp;quot; AS, 42, Chicago SHE: Isn&amp;#039;t it so romantic when a grown man throws a fit about how you never have sex anymore? Uh, no. It really is a vicious cycle. The key is to remember that your sex life belongs to both of you. It&amp;#039;s not one person&amp;#039;s concern, and sex isn&amp;#039;t something you give or get; it&amp;#039;s something you share together. My husband&amp;#039;s whining about not &amp;quot;getting it&amp;quot; makes me feel like he wants sex. Telling me how attractive I am, what a good mom I am, how his life is sweeter with me in it \u2014 those things make me feel like he wants me. Way sexier. HE: Hey, cut us some slack. Sure, it sucks when we complain, or even start fights, about wanting sex, but at least we&amp;#039;re fighting for something we really care about: you. Remember, Heidi, when we thought about calling our book What to Expect When He&amp;#039;s Expecting Sex? Well, there&amp;#039;s nothing wrong with a guy expecting sex, even if he&amp;#039;s expressing those expectations in all the wrong ways. In &amp;quot;expecting sex,&amp;quot; a father is actually performing a vital relationship function, which is to bring his partner back into the twosome and restore the primacy of their couple-hood, a crucial necessity if they&amp;#039;re to flourish and succeed as a family. SHE: It&amp;#039;s actually romantic when you put it like that, like you&amp;#039;re fighting for us. HE: I&amp;#039;ve heard you say that having a baby was like the excitement of falling in love all over again, except with someone much younger and better smelling than your husband. But ultimately, if the relationship is going to work, you&amp;#039;re going to have to redirect some of that loving back our way. SHE: Babies do smell better! Okay, look \u2014 you guys replace the whine with wine and some good old-fashioned talking, and we&amp;#039;ll start seeing your great sexpectations for what they really are: a way of letting us know you still love and need us. And then we can all start enjoying a little fun together. Ian Kerner, Ph.D., and Heidi Raykeil are the coauthors of Love in the Time of Colic: The New Parents&amp;#039; Guide to Getting It On Again, published by Collins Living. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/advice/a4650/sex-after-baby/>