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" Every time I got married, I thought it would be forever. I thought I had gotten the ideal man, the perfect relationship. Unfortunately, I wasn&amp;#039;t lucky enough or, perhaps, wise enough. What I did get -- after four marriages and three divorces -- was a heck of a lot of experience and knowledge about men. I&amp;#039;m not proud of my divorces, but I choose to focus on the positive. When a friend complains about her husband, I can usually assure her that he&amp;#039;s not the only man with those flaws. When my husband points out an irritating habit of mine, I know he&amp;#039;s right -- three other guys before him said the same thing. So I&amp;#039;ll spare you the cost of four weddings, three divorce lawyers and a handful of remounted engagement diamonds. Here&amp;#039;s my advice about men and relationships -- may it help you make your marriage more loving and satisfying. 1. Don&amp;#039;t change him, change you. If only he would help with the laundry. If only he would flirt with me more. Every time I thought like this, I became frustrated. Making a list of things for him to change rendered me completely powerless. So I decided to change what I did. Now when my husband runs out of clean shirts, I simply say, &amp;quot;Want me to show you how to run the washer?&amp;quot; And when I flirt with him first, he flirts right back. 2. Play by his rules (sometimes). I used to think it was manipulative and antifeminist when women would heap praise on their husbands and then ask for their help. I didn&amp;#039;t want to trick my husband; I wanted us to be equals. Now I know that communicating with a man -- especially my man -- in a way that makes him feel good isn&amp;#039;t the same as playing games. When he does the same for me, I don&amp;#039;t feel undermined, but understood and appreciated. 3. Survey your inner landscape. Whatever else I changed in my life -- a new neighborhood, a bigger house, even a different marriage -- there was always one constant: me. Once or twice, I made a big change, like getting a new job or ending a relationship, only to discover that the frustrations in my life hadn&amp;#039;t evaporated. What really needed tailoring was me: my attitudes, my thinking, my capacity to feel satisfied. A change can widen your horizons and get you excited about life again. Sometimes, though, the improvement should be internal. 4. Stay in the driver&amp;#039;s seat. Remember that you&amp;#039;re in control of your life. In my first marriage, I didn&amp;#039;t feel very sexy or polished. The minute the divorce was final, I decided to transform myself into who I really wanted to be. But the divorce wasn&amp;#039;t responsible for my sudden makeover. I did that all by myself. So I could have done it while I was married, too. 5. Talk about the good and the bad. Arguments with my husband used to scare me. If we were so in love, how could we disagree so passionately? But over the years, I&amp;#039;ve had arguments that have dramatically boosted the level of intimacy between my mate and me. Sometimes understanding comes quietly during a sweet moment. Other times it strikes like a bolt of lightning, when he suddenly yells what he&amp;#039;s been afraid to say, and I finally know what&amp;#039;s bothering him. 6. Be your own spin doctor. When I bring up past wrongs, I still think they need to be righted. A man just thinks he&amp;#039;s being raked over the coals again. Before bringing up old business, I try to use a positive approach: &amp;quot;Remember when we talked before about spending less money? Have you thought any more about that? I&amp;#039;d like to hear what you think.&amp;quot; That usually works better than a surprise attack. 7. Talk less, do more. I talk too much. You probably do, too. For women, conversation is how we solve problems. We like to talk. Most men like to do. Thinking back, I probably talked a few issues right into the ground. I&amp;#039;ve found that whenever I replace talk with action, I have greater success. Instead of telling him you want a long, delicious good-bye kiss, grab his lapels and show him! 8. Love the flaws. A husband is there for every grumpy morning, every bad-hair day and every time you lose a wrestling match with your panty hose. This used to seem unglamorous to me, like the bloom fading off the rose. Now I see a deeper love in the day-to-day existence. Anyone can carry on a grand passion from a distance. It takes a real lover to adore a human being, warts and all. 9. Realize that men are the same. It&amp;#039;s not just your husband. After four fellas, I can reliably state that no man believes his wife when she hears a noise at night, thinks there are mice in the house or knows the directions to an out-of-town retreat. Sorry. 10. Realize that men are different. No man wants to be blamed for mistakes some other guy made. A husband deserves the benefit of the doubt and to be appreciated for his own unique gifts and contributions. 11. Ignore the small stuff. Sharing living quarters is tough, whether your roomie is a friend or a husband. Everyone has an opinion about where to keep the butter and which brand of mustard to buy. I used to think my husband had to agree with me or else he didn&amp;#039;t love me. Now I just buy both kinds of mustard.   12. Choose your big battles wisely. In each marriage, my husband and I had some unspoken agreement in which we picked the issues we would disagree over. We returned again and again to the same unresolved arguments. I finally realized I was choosing to fight these fights. Now I agree to disagree and drop the topic. He doesn&amp;#039;t see it my way? So what. Those differences don&amp;#039;t mean we&amp;#039;re not in love. 13. Set yourself free. Whenever I felt backed into a corner, I wanted to blame my husband for making me feel trapped. But the truth was that most traps were of my own invention. I wanted us to move, but I didn&amp;#039;t want the kids to switch schools. I wanted to go back to work, but I didn&amp;#039;t want to put the kids into day care. Now whenever I feel trapped, I list my options. It takes some looking sometimes, but I can always find alternatives that make me feel like I have choices. 14. Don&amp;#039;t play Freud. Just because I understood every psychological nuance of my husband&amp;#039;s actions didn&amp;#039;t mean he was longing for me to explain them. In fact, when I tried to, our arguments grew more heated. It took me a while to learn that even if I had some insight, I shouldn&amp;#039;t automatically play therapist. Instead, I learned to use any understanding I&amp;#039;d gained to empathize with him. 15. Don&amp;#039;t take love for granted. Sexual attraction and deep love are powerful, but they are also delicate. When a relationship gets bumped, by broken vows or thoughtless actions, it can bruise. Sometimes I wanted to return to the way I felt right before a rift occurred, but I couldn&amp;#039;t always find my way back. I realize now that long-term love deserves the same gentle respect as a brand-new crush.  16. Don&amp;#039;t confuse dating with marriage. I once thought that I could predict what marriage to a particular man would be like. In retrospect, I know that only living together, day after day, will show you what being married to that man is really like. But by then if you learn it won&amp;#039;t work, it&amp;#039;s too late. Maybe the solution is to skip the dinner date (how realistic a trial run of marriage is that?) and instead take a five-hour car trip in sweltering heat with a bad map and three crying kids in the backseat. By the time you reach Topeka, you&amp;#039;ll know if you could live with the guy or not. 17. Stop finger-pointing. One of my husbands was a great blame-assigner. Never mind the problem, whose fault was it? I didn&amp;#039;t care who did it; I just wanted a solution. We went round and round until I tried something new. One day I reassured him at the beginning of a discussion that he was not to blame; I just needed to talk with him and get his valuable input. His scowl lightened, his mood lifted, and he began to solve problems with me, like a partner.  18. Handle his ego with care. Even when my tone was sweet and my message loving, each husband was quick to feel criticized. For years, I could not believe that a simple request to rinse the dishes before loading them in the dishwasher could truly wound a big, tough guy. Yet the evidence was right there in front of me: He&amp;#039;d rinse, pout and never rinse a dish again. Men want to be perfect -- just the way they are -- so any request to do things differently can be interpreted as criticism, even if you don&amp;#039;t mean it that way. Instead, I&amp;#039;ve learned to talk about the problem rather than his actions. Not &amp;quot;When you don&amp;#039;t rinse, the dishes stay dirty,&amp;quot; but &amp;quot;I notice the dishes aren&amp;#039;t getting very clean. Do you think it&amp;#039;s the soap, or the dishwasher, or...?&amp;quot; He&amp;#039;ll jump in and suggest rinsing them first.  19. Flirt, flirt, flirt. A girl at school told my son he was &amp;quot;hot biscuits.&amp;quot; My husband said rather wistfully, &amp;quot;I wish someone would tell me that!&amp;quot; Men love being adored, and it&amp;#039;s fun to adore your man. Sneak your hand into his at a party. Whisper a sexy thought in his ear. Or just tell him that, to you, he&amp;#039;s hot biscuits. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a87/secrets-to-happy-marriage/>