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" Is it really illegal to make a joke about killing the president? Strictly speaking, no: It&amp;#039;s not illegal. It is, however, unwise -- especially under the reign of a U.S. attorney general who thinks that our Constitution was inscribed upon Cottonelle, and during an era when the Dixie Chicks&amp;#039; stage patter is considered treasonous.  By statute, any verbal construction, written or oral, that can be interpreted as a physical threat against the president (or other Secret Service protectees, including &amp;quot;major&amp;quot; candidates for the offices of president and vice president and their spouses) may be cause for prosecution -- even if you throw in phrases like &amp;quot;pretzel wedged down his bovine maw,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;pulled pork,&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;two Halliburton executives walk into a bazaar.&amp;quot; So if you feel absolutely certain that nobody who hears or reads your joke will take you seriously and rat you out, or if you&amp;#039;re wholly confident that your lawyer will persuade a jury that your words did not represent an actual threat -- that, according to case law, you uttered them &amp;quot;in a context such that a reasonable person would interpret them as mere political hyperbole, idle talk, or jest&amp;quot; -- then knock &amp;#039;em dead. Otherwise, just keep filling your SUV with cheap premium, thank God that you live in the land of the free, and bite your tongue.  To break up with a woman: a crowded place or the privacy of your own home? AF hopes that one day you&amp;#039;ll be the sort of man who can face the mirror without choking down his vomit, to which end he reminds you that life is not a Seinfeld episode. Yes, the world is full of self-centered, two-legged pigs, but it might do you good to consider that, like you, other people have feelings, and that those feelings are as important as your own.  Look at it this way: Where would you like to be dumped, my dear boy? The coffee shop, so that whatever humiliation, pain, and anger you might feel can be shared with nearby strangers? Her place, so that you -- shocked, suddenly alone -- can grope your way home or to the nearest tavern?  The only decent way to do this thing is at her home so that she needn&amp;#039;t go anywhere or do anything after you depart but embrace the stroke of luck that has swept you out of her life. If facing her in private is simply too bold a deed for the likes of you, speak with her quietly on uncrowded, neutral ground -- a park, say -- so that she has the chance to collect herself and respond, gather her dignity, and put you behind her as quickly as possible.  What the hell is so great about Citizen Kane? I watched it and thought it was fine. Not great, not terrible -- just fine. You sound angry, my friend, as if you felt like you were standing stone-faced in a room full of folks roaring with laughter at a joke that you heard along with all of them but failed to understand. Relax, please. Rest assured that you need not suffer any shame for your wretched taste, your stunning ignorance, or your Sandlerian idiocy. Is it true about Newton and the apple? Isaac Newton experts agree that 1) a falling apple caused Newton to ponder the force of gravity, and 2) the apple did not strike Newton on the head.  &amp;quot;Whatever happened,&amp;quot; says James Gleick, the author of Isaac Newton, &amp;quot;happened in 1665-66, when Newton was a college kid forced home when Cambridge University shut down on account of the plague. Home was Woolsthorpe, a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. The apple tree itself is long gone.&amp;quot;  Gleick finds the tale of apple-bonking &amp;quot;hilarious and strange. He was already the world&amp;#039;s greatest mathematician.&amp;quot; He tells AF that the thought process triggered by the plummeting fruit went as follows: &amp;quot;Not only does the apple fall to earth, it&amp;#039;s drawn to earth by a force. What if the moon -- another round object much farther away -- is drawn to the earth by this very same force?&amp;quot;  Newton, by the way, firmly believed that Citizen Kane was the greatest film ever made. Got a question? Send it to Answer Fella via esquire.com/talk. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/advice/a768/esq0803-aug-afella/>