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"  The Real Housewives of New York have returned from their pinot-soaked hiatus and the gang of mean girls from Manhattan is back and ready for more yelling. Well, almost everyone&amp;#039;s back: Alex is still fired (AND WORKING IN BROOKLYN, YOU MEAN GIRLS!), Luann is too busy taking improv classes to be a full-fledged cast member, and Jill is probably watching this show in her fortress of solitude as she slowly sticks pins into a Ramona voodoo doll she&amp;#039;s made out of a bottle of Pinot and spare parts she found outside the plastic surgery clinic Ramona visits. Speaking of Ramona, let&amp;#039;s get reacquainted with the returning cast and their all-new tag lines. (Spoiler alert: they are awful and make no sense.) Carole: &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re going to talk me about me behind my back at least check out my great ass.&amp;quot; Okay, Carole! I&amp;#039;ll make sure to do that. If you didn&amp;#039;t know, Carole just wrote another book (and the guy she was dating from Aerosmith wrote a song about it, so I guess everyone is cashing in?) and now she&amp;#039;s taking an author photo, but she&amp;#039;s all &amp;#039;god, I look awful and don&amp;#039;t know how to photograph&amp;#039; which is such a complete departure from her tag line that it makes the mind reel. Heather comes along to help Carole take better pictures but really to gossip about how much they hate Aviva, who has already become this season&amp;#039;s de facto villain. She&amp;#039;s evil, y&amp;#039;all. Her fake leg holds curses and hexes. Don&amp;#039;t let her point it at you. Or let her talk to you. Actually, best to stay as far away from Aviva as possible. Oh, that&amp;#039;s bad for ratings? Wait, let&amp;#039;s invite her to Carole&amp;#039;s birthday party! Let&amp;#039;s get some fights going! If no one gets called a thug in a cocktail dress this season, it will have been a failure. Aviva: &amp;quot;When people tell me I&amp;#039;m fake I know they&amp;#039;re just pulling my leg.&amp;quot; Man, Aviva is bringing her PR A-game this season. She must have watched last season and realized she came off fairly awful (I am being generous; she came off as the royal duchess of cray-cray) and that it just wasn&amp;#039;t going to fly. So she&amp;#039;s trying to make Aviva happen. But here&amp;#039;s the thing: despite Aviva&amp;#039;s attempts to come off as nice, you can tell that it&amp;#039;s likely just an act. And here&amp;#039;s why: she hasn&amp;#039;t seen Carole for months and instead of making an effort to reconnect she immediately asks for help on her new book. She calls Ramona old at Carole&amp;#039;s party \u2014&amp;quot;you have a few years on me&amp;quot; \u2014 and then does it again by complimenting Ramona on her &amp;quot;beautiful white hair.&amp;quot; Ramona, bless her soul, is so busy squeezing the life out of this storyline and firing her eyes on all cylinders that she doesn&amp;#039;t even notice. Ramona&amp;#039;s been on this show for 969 seasons, so she knows that all drama must happen in cycles; and right now she&amp;#039;s got to let this Aviva business cool, lest it get too old too quick. Don&amp;#039;t worry, though. This is only the first episode and the trailer for the rest of the season shows Aviva fighting with everyone (Heather, Carole, former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani, Baby Bop, Elmo...) and then just cuts to a shot of her prosthetic leg lying in the middle of a room. I can&amp;#039;t wait for this and have already started brainstorming conspiracy theories. Did someone pull it off and hit her with it? Was it Jill? Did Aviva just explode from trying to hold all her anger in? It was probably Jill. #neverforget. I guess what I&amp;#039;m trying to say is that Aviva&amp;#039;s trying hard for redemption but she&amp;#039;s no Camille Grammer. Agree/disagree? Personally, I think the only way Aviva&amp;#039;s going to redeem herself is if she can get Fran Drescher to pop up on the show and just laugh until everyone forgets everything. Ah-ah-ah. Ramona: &amp;quot;Get the Pinot ready because it&amp;#039;s turtle time.&amp;quot; What? What does that even mean? Tag lines are supposed to give the viewer a feel for who you are as a person and the only thing I&amp;#039;m getting from this one is that Ramona has a problem with alcohol. Oh wait\u2026 Ramona&amp;#039;s just remotional and her behavior is so over the top that it basically just gets a pass for being so batshit. She flits from scene to scene propelled only by the power of her eyes and has somehow become the queen bee of the cast, striking fear into the hearts of her fellow housewives. At one point she informs the viewer that when Aviva asked for a hug she should have been grateful that Ramona didn&amp;#039;t stab her in the chest with a knife instead. I really like the fact that she made sure to clarify that a knife would be involved, because Ramona&amp;#039;s classy, she won&amp;#039;t just use anything that&amp;#039;s lying around. Only the finest cutlery will do! (Also: I fully believe that Ramona would stab someone from the front.) (Have you noticed she&amp;#039;s only likeable when she&amp;#039;s hanging out with Sonja?) Sonja: &amp;quot;Sometimes Sonja has to go commando. What can I say?&amp;quot; WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? Is everyone on this show suffering from a psychotic break? I paused the show to try to make sense of this and literally got a headache. Sonja is going to give me an Advil addiction. What we learned about Sonja this episode is that she&amp;#039;s basically Miss Havisham. She lives in a crumbling house, has interns getting college credit for opening her wine (how do I get interns to do that for me?), and is the world&amp;#039;s worst hostess. And yet, if there was an award for most charming housewife (and there likely will be because The Real Housewives Awardsis a thing that is happening) she would win it hands-down because she&amp;#039;s the only one of these ladies you really want to hang out with. She&amp;#039;s fun, she&amp;#039;s down to earth in the way most new-money folks aren&amp;#039;t, and she&amp;#039;s dating a 23- year-old just because she can. And since age is just a number to Sonja, expect her to be dating a high school senior by the finale. (You know, because she&amp;#039;s not a regular mom, she&amp;#039;s a cool mom! Right, ladies? Right?) Sonja&amp;#039;s also (naturally) friends with some kind of minister/healer who shows up to a tea party just to blindly interject about meditation while Ramona was screaming about something or other having to do with Aviva. Ramona is not going to let this go and it looks like she&amp;#039;s willing to break up Ramonja (gag) to be right. Let&amp;#039;s see what happens! (Probably nothing. You don&amp;#039;t just cross Sonja...she knows people.) Kristen: &amp;quot;I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I&amp;#039;m pretty.&amp;quot; That tag line&amp;#039;s not great to begin with, but only gets worse when Kristen points out that her husband says that to her. Your husband calls you stupid and that&amp;#039;s what you&amp;#039;re going to lead with? :/ Not much happened with Kristen this episode. She met the ladies, she was frightened that Ramonja might want to kill her and bathe in her blood to maintain their youth and beauty (understandable), and she went on a date with her husband, who seems to care much more about his new energy drink venture than his wife. That&amp;#039;s why he&amp;#039;s not getting blow jobs until he starts showing up to things on time and taking the fucking price tags off gifts he gives her. Kristen is truly the Lysistrata of our times! Oh, and Kristen wants to let everyone know that she&amp;#039;s not from California, which is a mistake many people make because she&amp;#039;s blonde. OK? Is that a thing? (Also: she is a model and a mom but only likes one of those things. Guess which.) Heather: &amp;quot;A true New Yorker never backs down and I&amp;#039;m no exception. Holla!&amp;quot; Well, I see Heather has chosen to double down on that Holla, which is probably the most interesting about her this episode besides the fact that she doesn&amp;#039;t seem to understand that Sean John and Puff Daddy are the same person. Holla, indeed. Next week: yelling, screaming, flying prosthetics! Photo Credit: Bravo "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5934/rhony-recap-1/>