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" &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s not you, it&amp;#039;s the concept of meeting someone on a reality TV show. Also: you.&amp;quot; Go text Gloria Estefan and Ricky Martin because the gang is headed to Miami to see if they&amp;#039;re all on the same page as Juan Pablo, marriage-wise. JP is most excited about the fact that he gets to surprise his daughter, since at this point she only knows daddy as Max Headroom via Skype. JP is squealing with delight from his rental car in anticipation. I&amp;#039;m actually doing the same thing because I&amp;#039;m hoping we get to see if JP&amp;#039;s dad is still sporting his Bernie Madoff mullet and\u2014spoiler alert\u2014he is!  We&amp;#039;re also treated to another surprise guest this time: JP&amp;#039;s cousin, who&amp;#039;s rocking some classic Marcia Brady braces. This is perfect because JP and his cousin are chit-chatting like two schoolgirls passing notes in homeroom, spilling the tea on girls that think are real &amp;quot;neato.&amp;quot; This time around, JP (and the producers) lead us to believe that he is &amp;quot;in love&amp;quot; with Sharleen. Seriously, who are they kidding with this &amp;quot;I think she may be the one&amp;quot; banter? The only thing missing from this scene was the two guys braiding each other&amp;#039;s hair and giving each other facials whilst s&amp;#039;mores were bubbling over in the Easy-Bake Oven. Shocking absolutely no one, Sharleen&amp;#039;s name gets called first for a magical one-on-one date with Juan. She can&amp;#039;t believe it, and and neither can the other girls. They all side-eye Sharleen like they can &amp;quot;catch class.&amp;quot; Honestly, at this point Sharleen is just as much into this show as I am. She basically tried 10 times to make sure that JP wasn&amp;#039;t joking about the date, but then scurried up the stairs so she could tighten her braid and swap if over to her left shoulder to complete her &amp;quot;day look.&amp;quot; You know who looks like they would be fine doing prison time for assaulting Sharleen during her date? Nikki. I mean, this would be the perfect crossover with Orange is the New Black, but I&amp;#039;m just spit-balling at this point.  Sharleen and Juan Pueblo&amp;#039;s date consists of riding up and down the Atlantic in a private yacht and then making out 17 different times for the following 18 minutes. If you think their kissing has improved since the first 12 times, you&amp;#039;d be 100 percent incorrect. I didn&amp;#039;t think it was possible for it to get worse, but it did. At one point, I was almost certain she was trying to drop one of those mini-cameras down his throat via her operatic tongue. You know, to make sure he&amp;#039;s not allergic to dairy and the like. At least three times I placed a bet that she actually fell asleep during the kissing scene. During one kiss, she basically reenacted the second-to-last scene of Frozen when Anna turned into a statue and everyone gasped. [Ed. note: Spoiler alert?] What? I have two nieces and a nephew, and we may have seen it once or seventeen times. Sharleen is still really trying to figure out if after seven episodes Juany P is ready to meet her family. If they&amp;#039;re half as warm and inviting as she is, he&amp;#039;ll be fine. No joke, if she bounced from this show, ABC should hook her up with Juan&amp;#039;s father. I know it, you know it, and even Camila has a little bit of an inkling as well.  The yacht date turns into the sunset beach date, and the Champagne must be kicking in a smidge because Sharleen is busy talking about her opera career and having to make changes and how change is good. Juan has absolutely no clue what she&amp;#039;s saying, as I assume he&amp;#039;s preoccupied with trying to make sure the sunset shadows don&amp;#039;t distort the little belly he&amp;#039;s been getting since he&amp;#039;s not able to work out 12 hours a day due to filming. In case it&amp;#039;s not clear, I say that out of jealousy as I am eating two sandwiches while typing this.  Either way, I really hope that Sharleen doesn&amp;#039;t vote herself off the island because we won&amp;#039;t have as many braids to talk about each week and, well, that&amp;#039;s problematic for the entire braid industry. But you already knew that. Also, if Sharleen could save that major decision until May sweeps, that would really help out a ton. After the date Sharleen, has to talk with Lauren Conrad&amp;#039;s mom (Renee) because she just still isn&amp;#039;t sure if this is the real deal. Renee is looking at her like she herself would still be with Juan Pablo even if she were his tenth choice. She&amp;#039;s also looking at her like she can&amp;#039;t believe Sharleen doesn&amp;#039;t get this is just a basic reality show, and she can technically break up with Juan P. less than 24 hours post-engagement.  Juan&amp;#039;s next one-on-one date is with Nikki. Chelsie looks like she&amp;#039;s about to become violently ill once she realizes Nikki was chosen over her. This was a good moment for me because I quickly realized Chelsie was still taking part in the show. I just assumed she was still hanging from the bungee cord back in L.A. but, sadly, I was mistaken.  Nikki&amp;#039;s big date consists of going to a flower shop... and then finding out she&amp;#039;s not only going to meet his entire family, but his daughter as well. I think this makes the most sense. It would only make more sense if this meeting took place at his daughter&amp;#039;s dance recital. Oh it does, you say? Perfect.  Nikki and her loving face bust into the recital and meet Bernie Madoff, JP&amp;#039;s mom (?), and even Camila&amp;#039;s mother. I guessed wrong when I assumed her mom went by the way of all Disney parents. She seems perfectly pleasant, but if she and Nikki started a bar brawl at the recital, let&amp;#039;s just say I wouldn&amp;#039;t be wearing my shocked face right about now. After Camila did a perfectly adequate dance and a bit of a solo, she went over to hug Daddy and meet her brand-new mother. They should immediately get matching tattoos and piercings, obviously. Watching Juan P &amp;quot;dance along&amp;quot; with Camila while he was in the audience made me long for the days of Honey Boo Boo and Mama June. At one point I just yelled towards my television, &amp;quot;Come on smoochie smooch!&amp;quot; Then I drank some Go-Go juice and passed out. When I came to, Nikki and Juan were sitting in the middle of the field where the Marlins play and having a picnic of sorts because, you know, that makes complete sense. Nikki is really contractually falling in overly-produced-love with Juan Pablo and is hoping that he will go home with her next week to meet her family. Aren&amp;#039;t they just watching off-set via security cameras like Renee&amp;#039;s son does? Also, if I ever brought anyone I had met on a reality TV dating show home to meet my parents, they legit wouldn&amp;#039;t answer the door. Breaking news: Sharleen has decided to pull the plug on all of these shenanigans and go the hell home. She first tells all the remaining girls, who look at her like, &amp;quot;And you are?&amp;quot; They faux-hold her hand and then throw up the deuces as Sharleen heads up to JP&amp;#039;s floor to break the news that he&amp;#039;s not going to be an opera singer&amp;#039;s husband. Was it just me, or when she knocked on his door did it take him about 11 minutes to get the it open? You could hear him unbolting all the locks, but no actual door opening. I&amp;#039;m sure America was collectively yelling &amp;quot;Pull!&amp;quot; Suddenly, the door opened and JP looked like he was up to no good, but was ready to talk it out with Shar-Shar.  For reasons that make no sense to me, Sharleen decided to announce this news to Juan Pablo via soft whispers. Luckily there were subtitles, but I&amp;#039;m pretty sure JP thought that she was simply giving him a recipe for blueberry muffins. He too was whispering garbage messages to her and oddly cleaning up all of her tears with his fingers. Like, it was too much. Sadly, Sharleen bolted out the door and directly into a cab where I thought she was going to dramatically yell to the taxi driver, &amp;quot;To the opera house, as fast as you can!&amp;quot; JP was left back in the room where he must have been jamming pins into his legs because he was able to muster up a couple of tears during his one-on-one interview and wished Sharleen the best.  The best way for JP to move on from this was to immediately go on his group beach date with the b-squad. The good news is that everyone is getting desperate, which makes for brilliant television. Chelsie busts out some &amp;quot;letters from home&amp;quot; to read to JP that consist of words of wisdom from her mom about not getting drunk or naked. Andi basically just starts crying within the first two seconds of her mini-date, which guys totally dig. Juan tells Clare that he wants to meet her dad during &amp;quot;hometowns&amp;quot; but, uh, the catch is that he sadly is no longer alive so, well, that&amp;#039;s awkward.  Quick sidebar: Why is everyone saying &amp;quot;hometowns&amp;quot; like it&amp;#039;s a thing that happens to everyone every day? All the girls are like, &amp;quot;I know next week is &amp;#039;hometowns,&amp;#039; and I&amp;#039;m excited.&amp;quot; Now that I know what &amp;#039;hometowns&amp;#039; is, I am strictly embarrassed. Embarrassment over &amp;quot;hometowns&amp;quot; now being a part of our national lexicon aside, Andi gets the rose. Clare looks like she&amp;#039;s about to become violently ill. I&amp;#039;m talking projectile vomit.  After an hour and 45 minutes, things start to get good. Of course I&amp;#039;m referring to Clare and Nikki&amp;#039;s heated argument after the group date. Apparently, Nikki thought Clare was going to start talking about Andi, so she decided to leave the room and go back upstairs. Clare chases after Nikki to confront her about her &amp;quot;walking away. I may have fallen asleep again. The argument was as embarrassing at it sounds, especially when it turned into a debate over whose room was whose, and who paid for the hotel and who didn&amp;#039;t. I&amp;#039;m sorry, what? It was about five minutes away from someone yelling &amp;quot;Get off my private property!&amp;quot;  Look, I think that Nikki and Clare are both equally horrific, but I do tend to agree with Nikki that Clare seems a bit off her rocker. She was trying to claim Juan Pablo after the second episode, forgetting that this is a dating &amp;quot;reality&amp;quot; competition show so, uh, that&amp;#039;s how that works. I also think that Nikki may be a nightmare of a mother and possibly lock Camila in the basement until she&amp;#039;s 18. That&amp;#039;s just my guess, though.  After the argument died down, Clare and Nikki were the only two left outside, so they sat there in silence without saying a word to each other. Literally. The cameras were rolling, and we just watched dead air for about 2 minutes 42 seconds. Maybe they both &amp;quot;jinxed&amp;quot; each other, and I just missed it? That&amp;#039;s probably what happened. Finally, the rose ceremony reentered our lives. Nikki got the first rose, and Clare got the second. Is anyone else still on this show, or did they all pull a Sharleen and self-evict? With one rose left, Renee scores, and Chelsie is sent packing. She looks pissed that she gave up Big Brother auditions for this. No one is more upset than Juan Pablo, who is left crying and and has to be comforted by Chelsie... the girl he just sent packing.  Maybe Chelsie shouldn&amp;#039;t have listened to her mom&amp;#039;s advice and increased that two-drink maximum. Our last vision is of her walking off the property saying how great it was to date a good guy. What is she talking about? What dates? These were all like three 15-minute filmed scenes. Eh, maybe she&amp;#039;ll still make Big Brother. Read more from Patrick on his blog and follow him on Facebook and Twitter. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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