<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" In sixth grade, my daughter Matty was inseparable from her best friend (I&amp;#039;ll call her Emma). They did everything together \u2014 biked around town, made silly movies with our camcorder, had frequent sleepovers. Then one day, about mid-October of seventh grade, I realized I hadn&amp;#039;t seen or heard about Emma for weeks.  &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s new with Emma?&amp;quot; I ventured. Big pause. A sigh. A frown. &amp;quot;She switched lunch tables,&amp;quot; said my daughter, finally, with a catch in her voice. &amp;quot;She&amp;#039;s hanging out with the girls on her basketball team.&amp;quot;  For a couple of weeks after our conversation, Matty drifted in and out of blue moods \u2014 she moped around and hid in her Harry Potter books (her mental comfort food and, perhaps not coincidentally, the story of three loyal friends). I kept having nagging flashbacks to my freshman year of high school, when I ditched my longtime best friend for new pals on the track team. (I know, I know \u2014 I&amp;#039;m cringing as I write this.)  I tiptoed gently around the subject, but my concerns mounted: What if Matty&amp;#039;s funk got more serious? What if she didn&amp;#039;t make another close friend all year? What if this turned out to be just the first in a series of traumatic middle school events?  As it turned out, my fears were unfounded. In fact, my daughter bounced back within weeks; she joined a local theater group, and soon new friends and interests filled her days. She rarely mentioned her former pal, and went back to being her cheerful self. Still, I was left with the nagging feeling I should have been more helpful during her friendship crisis. Sudden rifts are part and parcel of the tween and early teen years, says Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Making Friends: A Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Child&amp;#039;s Friendships. &amp;quot;This time is when kids are figuring out who they&amp;#039;ll be as adults,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;They&amp;#039;re separating emotionally from their families, identifying more with other kids. They often change friends until they find a good fit.&amp;quot; Mix in raging hormones, &amp;quot;mean girl&amp;quot; drama (or tough-guy bullying), and limited social skills \u2014 no wonder friendships often fizzle at this age. But as parents, do we watch helplessly or let our mama-bear instincts take over? While there&amp;#039;s no single rule on when to step in, know this: &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s your kid&amp;#039;s problem \u2014 not yours,&amp;quot; says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. &amp;quot;The ups and downs of friendship are rehearsals for adult intimacy, loyalty, and commitment. If you interfere too much, you rob kids of those lessons.&amp;quot; But that doesn&amp;#039;t mean you step out of the picture completely. Here, how to coach your kids through friendship crises. When Your Kids Get Dumped DO...  Get the conversation started. While you shouldn&amp;#039;t micromanage your child&amp;#039;s social life, remember that you are still her emotional anchor, so get a dialogue going. By walking on eggshells around Matty during her friendship crisis, I wasn&amp;#039;t as supportive as I could have been, say the experts I queried. &amp;quot;Kids want to tell their stories and feel safe doing so,&amp;quot; says Jodi Campbell, supervisor of public education at the mental health organization KidsPeace. &amp;quot;So stay approachable, and let her know you&amp;#039;re in listening mode,&amp;quot; she adds. &amp;quot;For some kids, that can mean saying, &amp;#039;Hey, if you want to go to Starbucks, I&amp;#039;m around today.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Others may need a little cajoling to open up. Some hints: Use open-ended questions (ones that can&amp;#039;t be answered with a yes or no), such as &amp;quot;I wonder why Jon acted that way?&amp;quot; Validate their emotions (&amp;quot;It must feel awful when Ann is so mean to you&amp;quot;), and avoid criticizing or giving advice while your kid is telling the story. &amp;quot;Saying, &amp;#039;Wouldn&amp;#039;t it have been better if you...?&amp;#039; shuts down the talk,&amp;quot; says Campbell. &amp;quot;Save your pearls of wisdom for later.&amp;quot; Help your child gain perspective. In general, the younger the child, the more coaching she&amp;#039;ll need. Consider the case of Melissa Leonard, a mom from Mamaroneck, NY. &amp;quot;My 9-year-old was being teased by a &amp;#039;friend,&amp;#039; but she felt a strong sense of loyalty to this girl,&amp;quot; says Leonard. &amp;quot;I sat down with my daughter, and we spoke about how true friends treat each other.&amp;quot; In time, Leonard&amp;#039;s daughter realized that the mouthy girl wasn&amp;#039;t being a good pal. If, however, you suspect your child&amp;#039;s behavior led to the rift (you&amp;#039;ve noticed clingy or rude tendencies, say), let him know \u2014 gently. &amp;quot;Applaud his positive intentions in making friends,&amp;quot; suggests Campbell, &amp;quot;but spell out that his actions aren&amp;#039;t helping achieve the goal.&amp;quot; Maybe your child tries to make friends by being funny, but winds up pushing kids away with cutting comments; help him recognize that, and talk about alternate strategies \u2014 e.g., telling jokes instead.  Cast a wider net. One thing I did do right with Matty: encouraging my daughter to join a community theater group and meet new people there. &amp;quot;Another circle of friends provides a fresh start, and a place to turn when things at school aren&amp;#039;t working out,&amp;quot; explains Campbell. It also helps kids understand that not every buddy has to be a BFF \u2014 a point worth mentioning directly to your kid. &amp;quot;School friends tend to be very tight, with the same history,&amp;quot; says Campbell. &amp;quot;Sometimes it&amp;#039;s healthy for kids to be in a more diverse group.&amp;quot; She recently encouraged her 13-year-old twin sons to join a community soccer club outside their hometown of Bath, PA. &amp;quot;Now when they struggle with a friendship at school, I suggest they call one of their soccer pals,&amp;quot; says Campbell.  Strike the phrase &amp;quot;best friend&amp;quot; from your vocabulary. It sets up unrealistic expectations for everyone, says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. The seemingly deep bonds that kids form in elementary school often fall by the wayside in the tween years, and kids need to be reassured that it&amp;#039;s normal \u2014 and healthy \u2014 to have friendships of varying intensity. &amp;quot;The notion of a lifelong best friend comes from movies and books,&amp;quot; says Levine. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s actually very rare in real life.&amp;quot;  DON&amp;#039;T... Downplay the hurt. The experts agree, don&amp;#039;t minimize kids&amp;#039; feelings or say, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry, you&amp;#039;ll make other friends.&amp;quot; Instead, try a simple acknowledgment of what they&amp;#039;re going through: &amp;quot;This must be tough for you&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m so sorry; I wish I could make the hurt go away.&amp;quot; Badmouth the other kid. Comments like, &amp;quot;Hayley used to be so loud \u2014 you&amp;#039;re better off without her,&amp;quot; are best kept to yourself. &amp;quot;Kids pick up, drop, and pick up friends again,&amp;quot; says Borba. &amp;quot;You don&amp;#039;t want your words coming back to haunt you.&amp;quot;  Call the other parents. Some years ago, my friend (I&amp;#039;ll call her Sue) got involved in a tiff between her tween son and a neighborhood friend. Sue contacted the other parents in an attempt to smooth things over \u2014 only to have the mom recite a lengthy list of complaints about Sue&amp;#039;s son. &amp;quot;Getting involved with the other family is a minefield \u2014 avoid it,&amp;quot; says Hartley-Brewer. &amp;quot;Parents are naturally protective of their kid and rarely accept blame.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s also vital, she says, that kids sort things out for themselves: &amp;quot;If adults step in, it&amp;#039;s a lost learning opportunity \u2014 and you&amp;#039;re implying that your kid can&amp;#039;t handle the situation himself.&amp;quot; When your kid does the dumping DO...  Offer guidance. Encourage him to end a friendship that&amp;#039;s run its course in the least painful way. &amp;quot;Rehearse with him how to explain it to the other kid, and role-play possible responses,&amp;quot; says Hartley-Brewer. &amp;quot;Coach him to use &amp;#039;I&amp;#039; statements \u2014 they are less likely to provoke an angry response than &amp;#039;you&amp;#039; remarks, which can sound blaming. Your child could say, &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;ve enjoyed our time together, but I have other interests now,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she suggests. Share your war stories. Learning how to be a friend is like learning anything else \u2014 kids need role models, says Levine. &amp;quot;Stories from your past help children realize that all friendships aren&amp;#039;t perfect. Don&amp;#039;t be afraid to talk about the difference between healthy and toxic relationships.&amp;quot; And help her notice that while you have a few very close friends, others are much more casual, like your book club pals.  DON&amp;#039;T...  Let your own feelings rule. Remember that you can&amp;#039;t dictate your child&amp;#039;s pals. &amp;quot;In fifth grade, my daughter Addie drifted away from her long-standing best friend,&amp;quot; says Mary Robbins of Orange, CT. &amp;quot;It was painful to me because I really liked this girl.&amp;quot; Robbins kept asking Addie to invite the friend over \u2014 until one day, &amp;quot;she shouted, &amp;#039;No, and just stop asking!&amp;#039; I finally realized that I just couldn&amp;#039;t force the friendship.&amp;quot; In truth, it&amp;#039;s best to keep feelings of loss to yourself, says Hartley-Brewer: &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re overly sad, your child may feel confused and guilty.&amp;quot; When It&amp;#039;s Serious There&amp;#039;s one time, however, when you absolutely need to intervene: if you&amp;#039;re concerned for your kid&amp;#039;s physical or mental safety. Campbell worked with a couple whose 13-year-old son was having trouble sleeping. With a little prodding, they found out that a former friend not only had dropped their son, but also was encouraging others to bully him at school. Fortunately, the situation was resolved when the parents contacted the school. If it&amp;#039;s not an in-school issue, don&amp;#039;t automatically call the other parents, says Campbell. &amp;quot;Regardless of where the problem happens, a guidance counselor is a good first resource,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;The school will tell you what they can and cannot do to help, and can often make very good suggestions.&amp;quot; Other options include pediatricians, ministers or rabbis, therapists who specialize in adolescents, and reputable Web sites, such as teencentral.net, that offer anonymous advice for parents and teens. Signs that sadness is spiraling out of control include anxiety, a drop in grades, a child&amp;#039;s avoiding school, and \u2014 in extreme cases \u2014 suicidal or homicidal thoughts. Loss of interest in his passions (soccer, video games) is another red flag \u2014 as is a blue mood that drags on too long. &amp;quot;A normal conflict blows over in a few weeks,&amp;quot; says Campbell. &amp;quot;If problems persist longer than that, you may need to seek outside help.&amp;quot;  Handling the &amp;quot;Evil Friend&amp;quot; What would you do if your tween or teen became friends with a kid who was rude, was a regular patron of racy movies, or looked so scruffy you wouldn&amp;#039;t be surprised if a can of beer or worse came falling out of his backpack? Surprisingly, you shouldn&amp;#039;t issue a ban unless you are sure the child has been in trouble with school or local authorities. &amp;quot;If you forbid contact,&amp;quot; says parenting expert Michele Borba, &amp;quot;you end up in a power struggle, and your child may rebel and end up closer to this kid.&amp;quot;  Borba recommends a three-step approach instead. First, give the friend a chance. Find out what the attraction is, says Borba: &amp;quot;Try, &amp;#039;You guys seem to get along well. Why do you think that is?&amp;#039; Or, &amp;#039;He&amp;#039;s not like your other pals; tell me what you know about him.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Next, cite your concerns. &amp;quot;Be specific and share what you know,&amp;quot; suggests Borba, &amp;quot;whether it&amp;#039;s &amp;#039;He plays too many M-rated games,&amp;#039; or &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;ve heard his house isn&amp;#039;t supervised.&amp;#039; &amp;quot; A solution: Let them hang out at your house, under your watch. Finally, if you&amp;#039;re certain this child is a bad influence, pull the plug. &amp;quot;Say, &amp;#039;We tried the other approach, but your safety is at stake. You can no longer see this kid because...&amp;#039; and list the reasons,&amp;quot; says Borba. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/tips/a18142/children-fighting-friendship-problems/?src=shelter_footer>