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"  Dolls, you stand before a collection of men unrivaled in the annals of publishing. Get ready to bask like pagan sun worshippers. The Third Annual Ask Eeee Man Sale is here. Yes, I know you&amp;#039;re excited to start shopping from among the beautiful fall clothes in ELLE&amp;#039;s pages, but first...take a peek at our wares: We have great guys who are bad in bed, we have bad guys who are great in bed, we have ex-lovers, future husbands, and one superhot boss\u2014all going at closeout prices!   The Rich Dude (Comes With Matching Yacht and Leg Shackles)Dear E. Jean: Two years ago, I met my price. [Dolls, price is such an interesting slip, I&amp;#039;m leaving it in.] He&amp;#039;s loyal, royal, funny, cheeky, and great in bed. Our life is comfortable, complete with private jets and super-yachts. The problem is: I&amp;#039;m 23; he&amp;#039;s 50 and doesn&amp;#039;t want to marry, doesn&amp;#039;t want children, and has taken away my independence. He asked me to stop working, going to the gym, and seeing my friends so I can be available to him 24/7. We never go out because he&amp;#039;s so private. Other guys flirt with me constantly; I&amp;#039;ve never been unfaithful, but recently I met a young sailor who really turned my head. Suddenly the notion of being in love with someone my age, going out to dinner and parties, feels like a better option. My best friend tells me my prince is old, smokes, drinks, and shouldn&amp;#039;t last much longer. So should I save everything I can and wait it out? I would have no more Louboutins if I walked away now\u2014Shoe Lover Shoe, you delicious half-wit : Oh, please. The chap could guzzle three bottles of Cristal a day and still live to be older than Kim Cattrall&amp;#039;s grandmother. Pack your precious pumps, polish your resume and get the hell out of there. When I was your age, I had a rich geezer of 52. One day, the Mamas and the Papas&amp;#039; Michelle Phillips (a woman of such gorgeosity I thought she was some kind of new gender) smiled at me and my geez in the Ambassador East Hotel lobby and asked if I was his daughter. &amp;quot;Well,&amp;quot; I replied, &amp;quot;since you&amp;#039;re my mama, only you know if he&amp;#039;s my papa.&amp;quot; All young ladies of spunk and massive intellect sample life with a rich codger--it&amp;#039;s a rite of passage. And now your rite is over. Salute the career gods, get to work, and in six and a half years, you&amp;#039;ll be shopping for a speedboat just to hold the shoes you can&amp;#039;t fit on your yacht.  E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  The Ex-Lover (Comes With $770 Manolos, to Be Worn When Kicking Him in the Testicles)Dear E. Jean: I was married to a wealthy, snobbish, arrogant, negative man for 18 years. During the last years of our marriage, I had an affair with a man from a totally different social, cultural, and intellectual milieu than my own. I divorced my husband after a horribly strenuous battle. Now, just when I thought my life would be tranquil, the man I had an affair with has started sending terrible, taunting e-mails threatening all the things he will do to &amp;quot;damage my reputation&amp;quot; with my ex-husband and kids. (I always denied the affair to my husband.)  E. Jean! Just the sight of one of his e-mails causes me a week of sleepless nights. We have a big family celebration coming up. I&amp;#039;m sick with imagining that he will expose my past to everyone. Most of the things he could tell them won&amp;#039;t be the truth, but he has a vengeful, sick mind and says he wants to &amp;quot;tell&amp;quot; them because he &amp;quot;loves&amp;quot; me. He lives in Europe, so the police are powerless. He has me so worried I can&amp;#039;t concentrate\u2014Sitting Duck Sitting, my sweet : I&amp;#039;d love to thwack this lint-licker&amp;#039;s laptop across his forehead. He might be breaking the law. Unfortunately the &amp;quot;law&amp;quot; hasn&amp;#039;t caught up with the Internet. So first, change your e-mail address/phone/instant message service.  Second, pull the jagweed&amp;#039;s plug. Take away his power by telling your ex-husband and family you had a brief &amp;quot;flirtation&amp;quot;\u2014don&amp;#039;t reveal the details\u2014and that the man has turned into an out-of-control lunatic who &amp;quot;suffers from delusions&amp;quot; and is now stalking you. Then advise your family to &amp;quot;just ignore the poor imbecile.&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;ve spoken with Stephen G. Rodriguez, an experienced criminal defense attorney who has dealt with cases like this, and he advises you also to file a police report locally.  &amp;quot;Get your complaint on record,&amp;quot; says Mr. Rodriguez. &amp;quot;Depending on what his e-mails say, it could be extortion. It could also be a federal crime. Then if the guy sets a foot in the U.S., you can file a restraining order against him. If he violates it, there could be criminal proceedings against him.&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;ll let the expert have the last word. Good luck!   Mr. Perfect (Attractive Ball and Chain Sold Separately)Dear E. Jean: I&amp;#039;m in love with a wonderful man. We laugh, talk, inspire, and support each other. We hug, we shag, we cuddle. He&amp;#039;s the one who understands me best; but when he asked me to marry him, I said no. Marriage to me is a death sentence, a path to a joyless, sexless life; just thinking of marriage sends me into panic attacks. And yes, if you&amp;#039;re wondering, my parents are still married. I&amp;#039;m not waiting for something better to come along. I just don&amp;#039;t want to marry. What to do? I can&amp;#039;t imagine my life without him. On the other hand, I can&amp;#039;t imagine my life with him. Please help!\u2014A Marriage-Phobic Phobic, my firebrand : Phoo. Don&amp;#039;t get yourself in such a lather. Haven&amp;#039;t you ever heard of divorce? Hell, I&amp;#039;m against marriage (it&amp;#039;s an archaic institution; I lurve my freedom), and even I&amp;#039;ve been married. Twice. The most delish book on wedlock ever written just came out: I Don&amp;#039;t: A Contrarian History of Marriage (Bloomsbury). It&amp;#039;s by Susan Squire. Get it!  E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com  The Banker (Gift Wrapping Not Available for This Item)Dear E. Jean: I&amp;#039;m stressing about the 30 pounds I&amp;#039;ve gained because I&amp;#039;m so frustrated with the sex I&amp;#039;m not enjoying with my boyfriend. He thinks it&amp;#039;s the weight that causes me to not like the sex. Who is correct? He was married for 16 years (hence, he has no sex experience whatsoever). But he&amp;#039;s a special man\u2014a frustrated comedian, a magician, a stand-up guy stuck in a banker&amp;#039;s body. He&amp;#039;s awkward but tries so hard! However, I can count how many times I&amp;#039;ve had an orgasm with him in the past four years. We&amp;#039;re extremely open with one another. He knows I&amp;#039;m frustrated; but I feel stuck!\u2014Lost and Confused Confused, my kumquat: If a mere 30 pounds can &amp;quot;cause&amp;quot; a girl &amp;quot;to not like the sex,&amp;quot; then about one third of the women in America are in big trouble. Here&amp;#039;s the rule: Do not expect a man to provide your orgasms. (And, frankly, though I adore the male sex, you&amp;#039;ll be a million times happier if you never expect the charming ignoramuses to provide you with anything.) Learn that lesson now, or spend the rest of your life looking for a match for your flamethrower.   Other lessons: 1. Climb on top.  2. Forgodssakes, give the lad a tutorial on the Art of Loving Slowly. (This tutorial will consist of you showing him where and how you like to be caressed. For this demonstration, instead of a pointer, you&amp;#039;ll employ a vibrator.)  3. If you lose a trifling 16 ounces a week, you&amp;#039;ll feel friskier and less stressed, and in 30 weeks you&amp;#039;ll be back in fighting shape. Secret: Eat everything, just not a lot of it. And good luck!   The Criminal (Shipping Weight, Including Fianc\u00E9&amp;#039;s Casket = 879 Pounds)Dear E. Jean : I&amp;#039;ve been dating a boy for seven months and am head over heels in love. Very early in our relationship, he mentioned he had a fianc\u00E9 who died unexpectedly after being with him for four years. He will not answer any questions about the dead fianc\u00E9e because he said it would be too painful for me (huh?). He&amp;#039;s secretive about everything. He has a number of aliases, won&amp;#039;t share his e-mail address, phone numbers, etc., and has no close friends or family. And now there are four years of his life about which I can&amp;#039;t ask any questions.  My friends and family all think I&amp;#039;m going to wind up in a body bag. But I think his fianc\u00E9&amp;#039;s death was so painful, he can&amp;#039;t talk about it because he doesn&amp;#039;t have closure. I&amp;#039;ve suggested he see a therapist, but he says that&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;not an option.&amp;quot; Should I forget it? Or give the guy more time and see if he&amp;#039;ll open up?\u2014Stuck in a Fog Stuck, my love : I understand why you&amp;#039;re torn: It&amp;#039;s exciting to find a guy who&amp;#039;s not constantly bragging about how beautiful, rich, thin, sexy, and stylish his ex-girlfriends are; on the other hand, a fellow should actually have a few exes still above ground.  Get rid of him. His whole deal smacks of high-flown bull-hockey. No family? Come on. Never, never waste time on a guy who has more aliases than he has friends. He&amp;#039;s a clandestine dickhead. And serious trouble, really.  E-mail your questions to e.jean@askejean.com "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.elle.com/life-love/ask-e-jean/q-and-a/a9102/ask-e-jean-september-2008-18911/>