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" My fianc\u00E9 died of cancer a year ago, and I just can&amp;#039;t move on. I tried to move on, but I just can&amp;#039;t seem to get there. How long does it take to get over something like this? I&amp;#039;ve been struggling to find an answer for you, but there&amp;#039;s no right answer to your question, just as there&amp;#039;s no right amount of time to get over your fianc\u00E9. There&amp;#039;s just the grief, which will take whatever time it requires. When we lose someone we love, it seems like all we share is a process. No matter who we are, we tend to go through similar stages of grief, but we all move through that process at our own pace. For some, it feels painfully slow and steady. For others, it seems to happen in fits and starts, steps forward and backward. Even when people have endured what might seem to an outsider to be the same loss, it feels different to each of us, and we all heal differently. I&amp;#039;ve had friends who acted out in wild ways and others who turned inward. I&amp;#039;ve had good friends who seemed to have bounced back completely before collapsing (and bouncing back again). I&amp;#039;ve known people who seemed to move on with shocking speed, others who repressed their grief and dealt with it when nobody was looking, and plenty of others who emerged from their grief far, far more slowly. I&amp;#039;ve never lost a fianc\u00E9, but I&amp;#039;ve had friends who lost spouses and it&amp;#039;s never been the same for any of them. When dealing with different sorts of grief of my own, I figure I&amp;#039;m somewhat like most people, in that I&amp;#039;ve processed each loss differently: I&amp;#039;ve gotten through some grief faster than I could have anticipated, been whipsawed by successive waves of pain that I thought would never end, and woke up some mornings blindsided by the suddenly present ache of a loss I thought I&amp;#039;d already processed. So I don&amp;#039;t know how long it will take. Nobody does. I can say that one year doesn&amp;#039;t seem like an awful lot of time. And I do know that it can help a great deal to have someone to talk to. Good friends are essential, but a therapist can be more practical: You never have to feel self-conscious about imposing on a therapist because it&amp;#039;s their job to listen and help you through this. And there are bereavement counselors who specialize in helping people just like you; they can draw on a wealth of knowledge and experience that no friend will possess. You might also find some kindred spirits in group counseling, so I&amp;#039;d recommend that you look into that too. Whatever you do, don&amp;#039;t feel that you have to rush it. Take your own time, and listen to what your heart is telling you before listening to anyone else. My boyfriend always wants me to ride him, but every time I get on top, I feel self-conscious about how I look (I have a tummy) and also question myself if I&amp;#039;m doing it right. I&amp;#039;ve tried watching porn to see if it would help, but I just don&amp;#039;t feel like I&amp;#039;m satisfying him. Any suggestions? Let&amp;#039;s reread your question together: If your boyfriend always wants you to ride him, doesn&amp;#039;t it make sense that he likes what he sees up there? He knows what you look like; he&amp;#039;s seen you naked before. He&amp;#039;s noticed your tummy \u2014 and yet he still keeps taking your clothes off. And don&amp;#039;t you think he likes what you&amp;#039;re doing up there if he keeps asking you to mount him? He is clearly not turned off. My guess is that you&amp;#039;re doing a great job up there. I&amp;#039;m pretty sure he&amp;#039;s enjoying the view. Vanity has no place in the bedroom: Everyone looks a little ridiculous when they&amp;#039;re having sex anyway. It&amp;#039;s supposed to be messy and fun. And self-consciousness is the one thing guaranteed to wreck your flow. Try, as much as you can, to go with what feels good to you. As a general rule, the more you enjoy yourself up there, the more he&amp;#039;s going to enjoy himself down below. Don&amp;#039;t look to porn for technical advice: porn is more about convenient camera angles and someone&amp;#039;s idea of what looks hot rather than what feels good. Cosmopolitan.com has plenty of specific sex tips for you. Start here or here, but, honestly, it&amp;#039;s simpler to ask your boyfriend what he likes when he&amp;#039;s right underneath you. I&amp;#039;ve been with my guy for seven amazing years. I absolutely love his personality. He&amp;#039;s super hilarious and very educated \u2014 book- and street-smart \u2014 but for years it has been a battle trying to get him to be himself around my friends and family. Whenever we are around anyone, he&amp;#039;s quiet and not very interactive socially. Kind of zombie-ish. My girlfriends thinks he&amp;#039;s boring, my guy friends think he hates them, and my family says he&amp;#039;s just being polite. Regardless of what everyone is saying, I still love him. I just really wish he would show his true colors more often so people can see what I see in this amazing guy. We have a tendency to believe that we see the &amp;quot;true&amp;quot; person when he or she is alone with us. But that&amp;#039;s not the way it works: Nobody is one person in public and another in private. Batman is also Bruce Wayne, and vice versa. Whether your boyfriend is alone with you or sulking at a party, he&amp;#039;s still the same guy. We just have a tendency to value our information more than everyone else&amp;#039;s. No matter how your boyfriend acts behind closed doors, his zombie-like behavior around your friends and family represent his &amp;quot;true colors&amp;quot; too: He is being himself when he&amp;#039;s in public. You \u2014 and your closest circle of most trusted confidants \u2014 just don&amp;#039;t like that part of him. That matters. There&amp;#039;s a fine line between shy and selfish: You&amp;#039;ve been together seven years, and that&amp;#039;s a long time for him to opt out of meaningful relationships with the other people in your life. I talked to my pal Ken about this, and he wondered, &amp;quot;Is he just sulking because he doesn&amp;#039;t want to deal with having to share her?&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s a legitimate question. By making these social encounters awkward, he encourages you to spend more time with him alone. And if you stay together longer, his behavior could possibly pull you further away from the other people in your life. How do you encourage him to open up? Like most things, it begins with a direct conversation. You have to explain very clearly that he needs to make more of an effort because your friends and family are always going to be an important part of your life. If he&amp;#039;s in this relationship for the long haul, you don&amp;#039;t want him to recede every time there are more than two people in the room. You can try to make it easier for him, perhaps by inviting just one or two people over so he doesn&amp;#039;t feel overwhelmed. Maybe if you create small-scale social events that merge your friend groups or take place on his home turf, he&amp;#039;ll feel more comfortable. But make sure he understands that this is his responsibility, not yours. You made all these introductions years ago; it&amp;#039;s up to him to make small talk with Uncle Bob.  Of course, your boyfriend may never change. If he&amp;#039;s acted like this for seven years, you&amp;#039;ve got to appreciate that his public behavior is his true self too \u2014 and since it&amp;#039;s no more or less legitimate than the behavior you see in private, it may be here to stay. Typically, zombies don&amp;#039;t spring back to life. If that&amp;#039;s true, then you have to do the math: Is he so full of life in private that he makes up for his undead behavior in public? That&amp;#039;s your call. Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here. RELATED: &amp;quot;My Boyfriend Can&amp;#039;t Get Hard Anymore!&amp;quot; &amp;quot;My Husband Says I&amp;#039;m Too Loose Down There After Childbirth&amp;quot; &amp;quot;How Important Are Perky Boobs?&amp;quot; Follow Logan on Twitter. Photo credit: Getty Images "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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