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"FacebookPinterest0709_glenn beck[1].jpg\n\n What's more American than a gritty political thriller, the kind with bad cover art, worse writing, and the clout to fill airport bookstores nationwide? Absolutely nothing. That's why our nation's foremost lunatic, Glenn Beck, interviews dozens of such novelists on his Fox show and relentlessly hypes their work. So to see what all the fuss is about\u2014and brutalize our Verge correspondent for laughs at the same time\u2014we're making Zach Dionne read each and every one of them. Today: The Doomsday Key by James Rollins.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\n Merlin? Yes, Merlin.\n\n Actual character names: Monk Kokkalis, Painter Crowe, Vigor Verona, John Creed\n\n Actual dialogue handily showcasing absurdity within: \"We know about the mushroom farm, about the bees, about what was covered up in Africa.\"\n\n Actual action sequence we struggled not to snooze through: The Sigma crew escapes a peat moss inferno on jumping ponies.\n\n That awesome threesome you're waiting for between the main badass and the hot Asian assassin and the smokin' Italian cop babe? Don't hold your breath.\n\n Before the action begins: The novel kicks off with acknowledgments, a map, a diagram, historical notes, scientific notes, three epigrams and a loving dedication to dear old mom.\n\n Inspired writing: \"The place smelled like a Hershey's factory with an underlying hint of Norwegian cod.\"\n\n What a respected critic said: Again, we'd tell you if we could find any who reviewed it. Fortunately Amazon.com user Ian Menzies gave it an illuminating one-star, saying, \"This was honestly one of those books that I could not wait to finish, so I could go watch my lawn grow.\" Zing!\n\n Glenn Beck's review: \"It almost feels kind of like a combination of The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure and Indiana Jones.\" (Prefaced by: \"When I was 18 years old, I hadn't really read any books.\")\n\n A week reading Rollins or watching Beck? Glenn Beck, distilled and injected into our eyes, before another James Rollins book.\n\n Standalone lines given their own paragraphs for overdramatic emphasis: 2 per page\n\n Best examples of said standalone lines, shuffled arbitrarily to create suspenseful poetry (Best read in ominous voice, with dun-dun-dunnn notes played generously on keyboard):\n\n Unfortunately, they were too late.\n\n However, it had proved to be a trap.\n\n It was a human finger.\n\n Or so she hoped.\n\n Especially since she was pregnant again.\n\n Something felt wrong about all this.\n\n But who?\n\n The future of mankind.\n\n And the power to control that fate.\n\n It was time to crash this party.\n\n So be it.\n\n(Want more Beck madness? Previously we reviewed Vince Flynn's Pursuit of Honor and Brad Thor's The Last Patriot)"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/the-glenn-beck-book-club-2>