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"A friend of mine sent me one of those joke emails recently. I normally hit delete as soon as I see the FW (forward) and a string of addresses, but the subject line got me: Porn For Women.  As I scrolled down, I howled with laughter. It featured 8 photos of burly muscle men all doing chores normally advertised by women. One photo featured a strapping man in bed, lovingly leaning over an unpictured woman. The caption reads, &amp;quot;Is that the baby? I&amp;#039;ll get her.&amp;quot; One features a romance cover worthy gentleman in an apron, holding a meal that would make Emeril blush. It reads, &amp;quot;I made some Niman ranch tenderloin with garlic, black pepper, and Indonesian soy sauce for dinner. I hope that sounds okay?&amp;quot; My personal favorite shows a dude going through the Sunday paper. He&amp;#039;s grinning and states, &amp;quot;Look, the NFL playoffs are today. We&amp;#039;ll have no trouble parking at the crafts fair.&amp;quot; Part of the reason these captions make me laugh so hard is because they are true. For me, it&amp;#039;s not about seeing naked bodies on the screen. It&amp;#039;s about giving from the heart. Rex has often said to me, &amp;quot;What would turn you on?&amp;quot; My response, &amp;quot;You! On your knees. With your head bent over... the toilet. Scrub, baby, scrub!&amp;quot; Men and women both feel love differently. For some couples, some of this is intuitive. For a lot, though, it isn&amp;#039;t. I&amp;#039;ve heard my girlfriends say over and over, &amp;quot;I just don&amp;#039;t connect to my husband anymore.&amp;quot; For good reason! Men and women relate to the world differently. It&amp;#039;s not the end of a relationship. Like a battery, it just needs recharging.  A book I&amp;#039;ve heard referenced time and time again that talks about male and female love languages is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. It&amp;#039;s by Dr. Gary Chapman and can be purchased for cheap from Amazon. If you&amp;#039;re at that point in your marriage where you just don&amp;#039;t want to spend one more cent on the bastard, you can even borrow it from the public library for free! If it doesn&amp;#039;t work, and you still hate your husband, you can return the book late and send him the overdue charge. But let&amp;#039;s think positive, okay? I haven&amp;#039;t read Chapman&amp;#039;s book yet, but I plan to in March. I&amp;#039;ll let you know what I think. Or if you&amp;#039;ve read it, feel free to comment in the comment section below. The basis of the book is that there are five ways men and women get their &amp;quot;love tank&amp;quot; filled up. This is done through five things: Words of affirmation (That&amp;#039;s me!), quality time (Me again!), receiving gifts (Yes please!), acts of service (Yup!), and physical touch. (I&amp;#039;ll take it! But less sexual and more back scratch-u-al. Is that a word?)  Another example of a physical love language for me is when Rex washes my hair in the bathtub. Yes, he really does that. All six foot four of him squats behind me and complains that it takes three rinses to &amp;quot;get the grease off of your matted down hair... yuk!&amp;quot; His complaints of the view of my nasty mama hair, however, aren&amp;#039;t as bad as my complaints when I&amp;#039;m done rinsing my hair. This process involves me sloshing my hair back and forth in tub. When I rise like a phoenix from the watery ash, I open my eyes to find Rex still there, his hot water soaked body looming above me. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! I am not a huge proponent of schmaltzy &amp;quot;get it together&amp;quot; books, but I was also never a fan of fantasy, and look how much I now love Harry Potter, so I&amp;#039;ll give the book a shot. Speaking of fantasy, this gets me thinking about porn again. Yes, I&amp;#039;ve watched it. But sorry, it does nothing for me. Forget the boobs the size of Good Year blimps and waists the size of... wait, do those women even have a waistline? The storylines are so unrealistic. Like those women are really that excited to be working as a dental assistant that they take off their shirt the minute a long haired Fabio wanna-be comes in for a root canal? I&amp;#039;d be more sold if they made porn like the email that was sent to me this week.   Or, when Rex comes through the door with the title Let&amp;#039;s Get Dual Massages and Drink Diet Coke Until We Burst, I&amp;#039;ll throw off my clothes quicker than Paris Hilton. But until then, I&amp;#039;m going to figure out my husband&amp;#039;s love language. Not shockingly, it&amp;#039;s pretty simple: Sex. Men. Yes, they really are that predictable. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a2269/sex-blog-porn-for-women/>