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"  When BAZAAR first told me that their readers were keen on sporting the turtleneck this season my first thought was, &amp;quot;Who are these women and why have they completely given up?&amp;quot; To me, turtlenecks are the fingerless gloves of the neck region\u2014pointless. I mean, how much warmth is this really providing? Plus, every time I see someone in a turtleneck it makes it look like their head is about to pop off at a moment&amp;#039;s notice. The only good news is that you practically turn into a human bobblehead and, if you&amp;#039;re like me, that has always been a lifelong goal.  Since I am now a newly self-appointed fashion expert I think it&amp;#039;s safe for me to say that the only time you should be wearing a turtleneck is under the following ten circumstances:   You&amp;#039;re going skiing. Well, not really going skiing, but you&amp;#039;re planning on walking around the lodge in your ski boots, sipping on hot chocolate and bourbon wearing an argyle sweater and tight white turtleneck. You&amp;#039;re a Muppet. You&amp;#039;re in a play and landed the role of &amp;quot;woman who has given up.&amp;quot; I&amp;#039;ll just assume anything by Nora Ephron. You were cast as &amp;quot;Child #2&amp;quot; in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and were instructed to wave to Lady Aberlin and Prince Tuesday as the trolley sped by. You&amp;#039;re the crazy lady who had over 100 cats (mostly dead) on the recent episode of Hoarders. You&amp;#039;re any of the following people: Sinead O&amp;#039;Connor, Steve Jobs, Kimmy Gibbler, or Janet from Three&amp;#039;s Company. You normally tuck your sweater into your mom jeans (see #3). You&amp;#039;re hiding a hickey from Kenickie. You&amp;#039;re looking to increase your neck-to-breast ratio (trust me, it&amp;#039;s a thing). You&amp;#039;re the boss on Undercover Boss and you&amp;#039;re about to learn to work the register and/or clean the kitchen before you give away $10,000 to the dishwasher so he can finish his degree in Basket Weaving.  Now I know what you&amp;#039;re thinking, why would I take fashion advice from the same guy who wore his clothes backwards in the 6th grade in homage to Kris Kross? The answer is simple: Because I wore my clothes backwards in the 6th grade in homage to Kris Kross. Hashtag True Story. The point is, we all make mistakes. We just need to own it. And I truly think the turtleneck is a mistake. It&amp;#039;s just the one trend on women no man wants to see.  So, you give up the turtleneck and I&amp;#039;ll make sure all men give up overalls. Deal? Join Patrick Varone on Facebook and check out his pop culture blog "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a1347/what-do-men-think-of-turtlenecks/>