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"  I love the puzzled look on people&amp;#039;s faces when I mention I grew up telling time according to television. This wasn&amp;#039;t the Sesame Street education-as-entertainment type of TV training. It was far more basic than that. In our house, we didn&amp;#039;t really believe in clocks, so I figured out the time based on what was playing. Laverne &amp;amp;amp; Shirley? Oh, it must be 8:30 P.M. on a Tuesday. The Love Boat? It&amp;#039;s Saturday night at 9! (Am I dating myself yet?) Playing the role of a human TV Guide remains one of my most potent childhood memories. Starting in third grade, I&amp;#039;d race home from primary school precisely at 3 P.M., drag a heavy TV set into my bedroom, lock the door, and escape into the soft-focus world of General Hospital, then drift into sitcoms, miniseries, prime-time dramas, and the occasional newsbreak. It was a daily ritual, eight hours of after-school amusement. By the time I was a teenager, there wasn&amp;#039;t a show I hadn&amp;#039;t inhaled or a character I hadn&amp;#039;t met. Today I&amp;#039;m no longer a slave to time slots, but my loyalty to the medium endures. At the start of each TV season, I DVR all the new shows and give each one a chance to join my regular lineup of tried-and-trues\u2014or face my personal cancellation. One show that&amp;#039;s recently scored all-time-fave status is ABC&amp;#039;s Happy Endings. For those of you who haven&amp;#039;t tuned in (and you all should), it&amp;#039;s the story of six bantering best friends living in Chicago. And though that description might have set off your Friends-rip-off radar, Happy Endings is an utter original, full of clich\u00E9-free characters, pop-culture references, and clever zingers. For our annual Women in TV issue, I enlisted the show&amp;#039;s writers to draft a completely new TV pilot, featuring the show&amp;#039;s gals (Casey Wilson, Elisha Cuthbert, and Eliza Coupe) as fashion assistants Sloane, Judy, and Margarite, all gunning for a promotion at ELLE. It&amp;#039;s a cutthroat caricature, for sure. Think Ugly Betty meets The Office, with the heart of Glee and the style of Gossip Girl. The wardrobe stylist? Yours truly, of course. Should you discover that our story ends in a cliff-hanger (wink, wink), read on to weigh in on what you think would be the happiest ending. In the meantime, I&amp;#039;m off to resume my originally scheduled programing. Fade to black.  --&amp;amp;gt; Click here to see photos from the Happy Endings shoot!  &amp;quot;ELLE If I Know&amp;quot; by Amy Aniobi, Jackie Clarke, Sierra Teller Ornelas, Leila Strachan &amp;amp;amp; Jen Regan FADE IN: INT. ELLE MAGAZINE OFFICE Fashion assistants Sloane (Casey Wilson) and Margarite (Eliza Coupe) sit across from each other at their desks. Sloane counts out four almonds on her desk. Margarite: You&amp;#039;re still on the Four-Almond-a-Day diet? I think it&amp;#039;s funny that you still do that. You might as well work at the mall. Sloane: (offended) Low blow, top hat. (then) Wait! There&amp;#039;s a new food regimen?! Margarite: Serving sizes can get out of hand. That&amp;#039;s why I regulate my portions with an eyedropper. Just a little something Karl Lagerfeld&amp;#039;s cat, Choupette, taught me. Gonna help myself to my morning latte. Margarite drinks a latte using an eyedropper. Just then, Judy (Elisha Cuthbert) enters, carrying a messenger bag. Judy: New trend alert! Remember how you thought fur would never make it to summer? Margarite: (pointing to Sloane) You thought that! Sloane: (pointing to Margarite) You thought that! Judy (Cont&amp;#039;d): Well, I bet you also thought pizza would never make it to breakfast! She pulls a black, glossy pizza box stamped pizza in gold letters from her messenger bag. Margarite: What?! Sloane: What?! Margarite: What?! Sloane: What?! REVEAL: Judy eats a slice of pizza. Judy: What? It&amp;#039;s promotion day. Sloane: Or &amp;quot;not promotion day,&amp;quot; for two of us. Could be any two. Sloane points toward Judy and Margarite. Judy: Well, may the best assistant win. Or, as my grandma used to say, &amp;quot;You shouldn&amp;#039;t eat pizza for breakfast.&amp;quot; She told me that this morning. She takes a big bite of pizza, spilling sauce on her white shirt. Oh, man. I got sauce on my shirt. And I know it&amp;#039;ll stain because it&amp;#039;s got bacon in it. Margarite: (snapping a pencil) There&amp;#039;s bacon on that pizza? Judy: Well, I guess I should change. She starts to walk off. Sloane and Margarite jump up. Sloane: Hold up. Should we change? Margarite: I&amp;#039;m not changing. Good style lives forever. Sloane: If she&amp;#039;s changing, I&amp;#039;m changing. Margarite: Damn it! I thought you&amp;#039;d fall for that! Sloane and Margarite race out of the room. CUT TO: ELLE FASHION CLOSET, A BIT LATER Sloane and Margarite, who have changed outfits, look through racks of clothing. Margarite: I am loving this necklace. It was featured on Goop. Sloane: Oh, I&amp;#039;m kind of over Goop. I mostly read Apple Paltrow&amp;#039;s blog. It skews a little younger. Margarite drops the necklace. Just then, Judy walks in, wearing the same outfit, with an identical stain. Judy: All changed up! Sloane: But you didn&amp;#039;t change your delicious, greasy shirt? Judy: Oh, no. This is Comme des Gar\u00E7ons&amp;#039; Stain collection. Sloane: I knew that! Margarite: Already wearing that. Margarite immediately grabs a nearby lipstick and marks up her top. Sloane reaches for the lipstick. Sloane: Gimme that! Sloane and Margarite start to fight for the lipstick. Judy jumps in to stop them. Joe Zee (Off Camera): Ladies? They immediately stop fighting and pose lovingly with one another. Sloane/Margarite/Judy: Hey, Joe!/Hey, Joe!/We&amp;#039;re friends! REVEAL: the inhumanly stylish Joe Zee. Joe Zee: Sorry I&amp;#039;m late, ladies. Just working with Anthony Bourdain and Marc Jacobs on their breakfast-pizza collaboration for Target. But now it&amp;#039;s time to tell you who will rise up the masthead and who will languish in the fashion closet FOREVER! Sloane, Margarite, and Judy stare up at Joe hopefully.... FADE OUT. Which assistant do you think deserves the promotion? Help Joe decide by leaving a comment below\u2014and check out more photos from &amp;quot;ELLE If I Know&amp;quot; here! "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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