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"  Every time I&amp;#039;m about to have sex with my girlfriend, I sneeze once or twice. Is this some sort of a biological response or what?  I had something like that once, but instead of sneezing, I&amp;#039;d assassinate enemies of the state. Luckily, I found the implant in my neck and pulled it out! Anyway, you most likely have a condition colloquially called &amp;quot;Honeymooner&amp;#039;s Nose,&amp;quot; because &amp;quot;Recently-a-Virgin Fever&amp;quot; doesn&amp;#039;t have quite the same ring. Sexual anticipation sends a signal to increase blood flow in the spongy (and thus erectile) tissues that you use to hoist your erection, but you get so damn giddy that the signal gets confused and goes to the spongy tissue of your nasal passages, which makes you sneeze. Why? Reflexes like sneezing, eye tearing, salivation, and lactation have what Gil Wilshire, who insists he is a &amp;quot;reproductive endocrinologist&amp;quot; and not a font, as I want to believe, describes as &amp;quot;lower reflex loops&amp;quot; that sometimes misfire and get all mixed up. It&amp;#039;s what accounts for things like synesthesia, &amp;quot;phantom limbs,&amp;quot; and orgasms for the paralyzed. And more: &amp;quot;You can cut motor neurons to the face,&amp;quot; says Dr. Wilshire, &amp;quot;and you tell a joke and that person will smile anyway.&amp;quot; Indeed, we have seen evidence of this in the actress Nicole Kidman. The phenomenon is not well understood, but I&amp;#039;ve taken the trouble of summing it up for you in a song, to be sung to the tune of the beginning of &amp;quot;Munchkinland,&amp;quot; as Dorothy, if you don&amp;#039;t mind: What happens is just this -- a thought begins to twitch, a tent, to pitch, and suddenly the spongy tissues do constrict. Just then, a glitch, to be a little bitch, goes rushing up your nose instead of down your prick! Now, it&amp;#039;s possible that this has happened enough for you to have warped it into a purely psychological habit, which you will need at least 20 years of rigorous aromatherapy to even begin to break. &amp;quot;I guess I would say that if somebody was really bothered by it,&amp;quot; says Milwaukee urologist Dr. Jay Sandlow, &amp;quot;try to take some type of decongestant ahead of time,&amp;quot; a feat for which one would need either extraordinary precognition or a time machine, as well as a bottle of Afrin at the ready. It hardly seems worth the effort. You&amp;#039;d best teach that nose to fuck.  My balls can get twisted? Yes, but not around each other, unless you&amp;#039;re in Australia. &amp;quot;Testicular torsion,&amp;quot; it&amp;#039;s called, and it&amp;#039;s mostly seen during infancy or teenhood, when the rapid increase in testicular volume can make one ball twist upon itself, usually 360 but sometimes as much as 720 degrees, thereby cutting blood flow through the spermatic cord, which causes extreme pain and, if not treated within 12 hours, ball death. It can also happen anytime and for no reason. Should you experience a sudden burst of testicular pain, do not wait for a doctor to just walk by. &amp;quot;I suppose if in the wilderness, you could try to untwist it yourself,&amp;quot; says Dr. Erika Ringdahl, of the University of Missouri School of Medicine, &amp;quot;but you would have to be quite stoic and very flexible.&amp;quot; So, everyone who isn&amp;#039;t Sting should seek medical attention immediately. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s one of those problems you don&amp;#039;t want to sit on,&amp;quot; says urologist Christopher Cooper -- a double entendre there simply isn&amp;#039;t time to explain. The doctor may attempt manually to rotate the twisted testicle away from the midline septum (called the &amp;quot;septum ihardlinowem&amp;quot;) &amp;quot;as though opening a closed book&amp;quot; -- a book you never want to read. A book worse than The Lovely Bones, even. More likely, you&amp;#039;ll undergo a procedure wherein the cord is anchored to the scrotum with stitches, and they&amp;#039;ll usually go ahead and throw in the other side if you seem cool. Most important, do not wait. Recall the acronym ASAP and follow it to the letter. &amp;quot;The golden window, if you will, is try to get it untwisted within six to eight hours,&amp;quot; says Dr. Cooper. &amp;quot;And you may think, Gee, there&amp;#039;s plenty of time,&amp;quot; but you&amp;#039;d be amazed how fast it races by. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve taken off more testicles than I&amp;#039;ve saved.&amp;quot; A phrase I must stress Dr. Cooper never put on his business card.  I was in the porn business for 22 years. I&amp;#039;ve seen everything a human has and what he or she can do with it. Now that I&amp;#039;m retired, though, I can&amp;#039;t get these images out of my head. I just don&amp;#039;t care about sex anymore. Please tell me what to do. I&amp;#039;m growing weary of this, Dad. For the millionth time: Crack open a beer, turn on Charlie Rose, and enjoy that nice gold watch already. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/a4022/sex0108/>