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"  I&amp;#039;d like to thank Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, and all the other superfamousfragilistic girls gone wild for diverting attention from my recent bust for DWI (dressing while intoxicated).  Nevertheless, I know some fans saw the embarrassing pictures on Perez Hilton of me being arrested outside my apartment. Allow me to explain. While it&amp;#039;s true I did have a glass or three of merlot, and I am taking Vicodin for a root canal I had two years ago, I have no idea where the gold-sequined tube top and stirrup pants came from. As I told the police, I believe they were planted in my dresser by my ex-boyfriend&amp;#039;s fianc\u00E9e, who wants to see me publicly humiliated and discredited at this very fashion magazine because she&amp;#039;s just as sure as I that he is still madly in love with moi and only marrying her to make me jealous.  He&amp;#039;s so obsessed with me! I&amp;#039;ve left him a million messages: &amp;quot;Get help! You&amp;#039;ve got to stop thinking about us and the breakup sex we could have had if you hadn&amp;#039;t stormed off into the rain yelling, `It&amp;#039;s over! Let go of my arm!&amp;#039; to be forever haunted by me like Heathclifford in Weathering Heights.... Anyway, what are you doing this weekend?&amp;quot;  But I digress. Oh, yes. The tube top and stirrup pants. Like my beleaguered publicist/editor Rachael says in the official ELLE press statement, I have no idea how they came to be on my person. But I will be cooperating with the investigation as soon as I&amp;#039;m out from under house arrest and can get this pesky SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor) device off my ankle.  I was going to pass the month\u2014&amp;quot;the dry season,&amp;quot; as I call it\u2014writing my memoirs, To ELLE and Back, when a messenger arrived weighted with packages and a note from Rachael: &amp;quot;While stuck at home, test these `at home&amp;#039; electric gadgets for your next column. Don&amp;#039;t be late. Tough love, Rachael. P.S. You booze, you lose.&amp;quot; No doubt. It takes only one whiff of alcohol to set the SCRAM off, and beep! beep! beep! I&amp;#039;m in the pokey with Paris.  WELLBOX ($1,595)  Beauty claims: The first patented at-home Endermologie machine, its lipomassage &amp;quot;facilitates the natural elimination of fat...produces a redefined figure, and smooths cellulite away.&amp;quot;  Brochure babble: &amp;quot;In no time, Wellbox will become an indispensable daily companion.&amp;quot; Or in my case, my cellmate.  Warnings: &amp;quot;Wellbox can be use in [sic] any healthy body part, except the eyes, the throat, the genitals, interior of the mouth, the ears, mucous membranes and nipples.&amp;quot;  Experience: The sucking sensation does feel weirdly good. The dimples on my thighs disappear but return the next day. Which really sucks.  Expert opinion: &amp;quot;You assume it&amp;#039;s going to work because it has FDA approval,&amp;quot; says New York dermatologist Macrene Alexiades-Armenakas, MD. &amp;quot;The FDA approves devices that include massage, but whether they work to cause a permanent improvement is unclear.&amp;quot;  Off-label uses: Hickeys for everyone!  THE ILIFT AND LASERLIFT BOTACTION SERUM AND CREAM ($395)  Beauty claims: The device (which resembles a cell phone) increases skin&amp;#039;s elasticity and tone by combining &amp;quot;ions, infrared rays, and a micro massage.&amp;quot;  Brochure babble: &amp;quot;Welcome to the ilift world. ilift and the cosmetic line laserlift botAction are the extract of the highest and most new technologies in the world of aesthetics.&amp;quot; Take the most dumb copywriter&amp;#039;s word for it.  Warnings: &amp;quot;Use ilift only for the use it was destined for.&amp;quot; Destined?  Experience: My face tingles all over. I&amp;#039;m worried that I&amp;#039;ve rearranged brain cells. My friend Donna visits and begs me to let her take it for a test-drive, arguing, &amp;quot;You have to test that other thing on your face, the one that looks like a vibrator.&amp;quot; She points to the RejuvaWand (see below). A multitasker, Donna reports: &amp;quot;I use it while I&amp;#039;m walking to my office! It gives me a great glow, and when I see someone I want to ignore, I start talking into it.&amp;quot;  Expert opinion: &amp;quot;The electric current constricts the musculature in the face, but this is short-lived,&amp;quot; Alexiades says. &amp;quot;Theoretically, you could build up the muscle tone and this could give you some benefit. But if you stop, the muscles quickly go back to their baseline anyway.&amp;quot; Adds Manhattan dermatologist Dennis Gross, M.D.: &amp;quot;To see results from a handheld device? I mean, it takes multiple treatments with a two-ton laser to even see firming of the skin, much less the amount of energy this battery-operated thing releases, to get the results they claim.&amp;quot;  Off-label uses: &amp;quot;If I tell you,&amp;quot; Donna says, &amp;quot;you won&amp;#039;t want it back.&amp;quot;  REJUVAWAND ($200)  Beauty claims: &amp;quot;Combining Red and Infrared light with a gentle massaging action, diminishes the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles and improves skin tone.&amp;quot;  Brochure babble: &amp;quot;The changes are gradual and as such may be difficult to notice as they are occurring...&amp;quot; Or not occurring.  Warnings: &amp;quot;Do not use the RejuvaWand in a manner other than instructed.&amp;quot; Hellooo, Donna!  Experience: Again, tingly; and I felt ridiculous running it over my face, particularly given Rachael&amp;#039;s attached note: &amp;quot;When you turn this on, the tip turns red. It looks like a dog&amp;#039;s penis.&amp;quot;  Expert opinion: A class-one laser, which is what RejuvaWand is, &amp;quot;by definition isn&amp;#039;t powerful enough to have a biological impact\u2014that&amp;#039;s the reason they&amp;#039;re safe,&amp;quot; says my big brother Paul Millea, MD, a laser-loving chronic-pain specialist. &amp;quot;This laser and the one you see in the scanner at the grocery store? They&amp;#039;re the same power, basically.&amp;quot;  Off-label uses: Don&amp;#039;t ask me, I already have a vibrating wand.  THERMACLEAR ($150)  Beauty claims: &amp;quot;Delivers a controlled burst of heat directly to the pimple to accelerate the clearing of acne two to four times faster than when left untreated.&amp;quot;  Brochure babble: &amp;quot;Heat it. Treat it. Defeat it.&amp;quot; My babble: Prick it. Pick it. Double-quick-it to Dr. Gross for a cortisone shot.  Warnings: &amp;quot;Do not use ThermaClear on severe nodular or cystic acne or blackheads or whiteheads.&amp;quot; Well, then, what can I use it on?  Experience: The first time Donna zapped a zit she leapt out of her Prada pumps screaming, &amp;quot;Motherf--ker! Who invented this\u2014the KGB?&amp;quot; Too vain for pain, I zap pimps here, there, everywhere, but it doesn&amp;#039;t up my clearance rate.  Expert opinion: Says Gross, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve never seen any research that proves an electric spark can make a zit go away.&amp;quot;  Off-label uses: Electroshock therapy.  O2HI PERSONAL OXYGEN MACHINE ($1,295)  Beauty claims: &amp;quot;Delivers 50% more oxygen than even clean country air. Although no medical statements can be made for oxygen therapy, clients have claimed enhanced concentration and clearer thinking.&amp;quot;  Brochure babble: &amp;quot;Your own miniature portable forest!&amp;quot;  Warnings: &amp;quot;Do not install near gas leakage.&amp;quot; Experience: Nothing, nada, zip. Though it did dry my mascara faster.  Expert opinion: &amp;quot;Michael Jackson slept in an oxygen chamber,&amp;quot; Gross says. &amp;quot;Need I say more?&amp;quot;  Off-label uses: Stick a joint in the air chamber and party on, dude!  Now that I&amp;#039;m totally stoned, I have a confession to make...I love my stirrup pants. That little stirrupy part of the pants? I love that part. And I love how when I look down at my chest I can see my eyes staring back at me in the shiny gold sequins. Whoa! I&amp;#039;m winking at myself. Hey, sexy! I&amp;#039;m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy to remember the rest of the words to this song. All I need now is a tan. And a pizza.  Yay! Rachael sent me the GlowFusion AirGlow Airbrush Gun ($175) and AirGlow Micro-Nutrient Tinted Protein Tan ($62) to test. Getting as naked as a nudist camper, I load the gun, pull the trigger, and spray every inch of my body, including under my SCRAM bracelet. It&amp;#039;s as if I&amp;#039;ve coated myself in maple syrup, but mmm, it smells yummy, like caramels and pralines and amaretto\u2014beep! beep! beep! "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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