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" 1. Expectation: You will breeze by the door people because that promoter Pablo you know put your name on the VIP list. Reality: You will arrive and wait shivering outside for 20 minutes because Pablo is a liar shithead who doesn&amp;#039;t even work at this club. Or any club. His name night not even be Pablo. 2. Expectation: You think handsome gentlemen will buy you nice drinks.  Reality: Potbellied men in too-shiny shirts will try to grab your ass.   3. Expecation: You will dance all night to great music. Reality: You will cover your ears and feel incredibly depressed every time the DJ plays sirens, which seems to be every 15 minutes.  4. Expectation: The dudes will look like this:  Reality: The dudes look like this:  5. Expectation: You will have a great time with your girlfriends.  Reality: One of your girlfriends gets so wasted she takes off her heels outside and almost falls over and flashes everyone on the street corner. 6. Expectation: You will enjoy cocktails like a grownup.  Reality: You will watch someone slurp a shot out of some stripper&amp;#039;s bellybutton and then throw up on her stomach. 7. Expectation: You will meet an awesome new boyfriend.  Reality: You will see the gross dude you regrettably made out with the last time you were there and also probably make out with him again.  8. Expectation: You will get bottle service.  Reality: LOL, you cannot afford bottle service. You will get a well vodka tonic and attempt to drink it even though it&amp;#039;s so crowded you can&amp;#039;t lift the plastic cup to your mouth.  9. Expectation: You will be able to go to the bathroom. Reality: you will not be able to go to the bathroom because THERE IS PEE ALL OVER EVERY TOILET SEAT. 10. Expectation: You think you won&amp;#039;t come home smelling like a cigarette butt that was extinguished in a pool of cat vomit and rum punch. Reality: You are wrong.  11. Expectation: The sexy outfit you meticulously planned will be noticed and admired.  Reality: Girl, nobody cares about your $400 freakum dress. At least three people will spill drinks on you.   12. Expectation: You spent an hour on your hair so it&amp;#039;ll look like this all night:  Reality: Ten minutes inside the sweaty, humid club and it looks like this:  13. Expectation: You will be able to show off those moves you learned in your hip hop class.  Reality: YOU CANNOT MOVE. No, girlfriend, you can&amp;#039;t even sway with your arms out because this dance floor is so packed. Where did you think all those people from the line were going? The bathroom? 14. Expectation: You think you&amp;#039;ll leave with the same people you came with. Reality: LOL, right. They&amp;#039;re all making out with nasty dudes in back rooms and now you have to try to find an ATM and you want to die.   15. Expectation: You will dance all night and have the time of your life.  Reality: You will spend the night fending off dudes wearing Ed Hardy and buckets of body spray before finally catching a $35 cab home to cuddle your cat and rewatch Downton Abbey. You are too old for this shit. (Doesn&amp;#039;t matter what age you are. You are too old for this shit.)    Follow Laura on Twitter.  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/news/a6065/nightclub-realities/>