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" There&amp;#039;s no denying that we live in a world of preconceived ideals. We judge ourselves and others about who we are and how we should live on a daily basis. But when we challenge those deep-seated assumptions\u2014or are forced to face them\u2014it&amp;#039;s often surprising the amount of happiness and purpose we can find. The four following women certainly did. Read on to learn how Emily, Eleanore, Elle and Katrina found their true selves by adjusting their point of view.   Welcome To Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley   I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability. To try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It&amp;#039;s like this...   When you&amp;#039;re going to have a baby, it&amp;#039;s like planning a fabulous vacation trip\u2014to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It&amp;#039;s all very exciting.   After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, &amp;quot;Welcome to Holland.&amp;quot;   &amp;quot;Holland?!?&amp;quot; you say. &amp;quot;What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I&amp;#039;m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I&amp;#039;ve dreamed of going to Italy.&amp;quot;   But there&amp;#039;s been a change in the flight plan. They&amp;#039;ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.   The important thing is that they haven&amp;#039;t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It&amp;#039;s just a different place.   So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.   It&amp;#039;s just a different place. It&amp;#039;s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you&amp;#039;ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.   But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy\u2013and they&amp;#039;re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, &amp;quot;Yes, that&amp;#039;s where I was supposed to go. That&amp;#039;s what I had planned.&amp;quot;   And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is very, very significant.   But. If you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn&amp;#039;t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things... about Holland.   \u00A91987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.   Read more personal essays:    Why I Said Yes to Staying Single Learning to Love My Atypical Son Why I Left the Fast-Track Behind   When Things Don&amp;#039;t Go As Planned By Gail Saltz   We all have expectations\u2014they&amp;#039;re part of what helps move us forward in life. If you hope to have a job that you like and succeed in, you&amp;#039;ll work hard toward that goal. Having expectations of your children can help them set their own goals and strive to meet them. Expectations are a combination of our own hopes and wishes and the values, morals and judgments of our surrounding culture and community. The hard part comes when reality doesn&amp;#039;t match what you thought would happen. How can you cope? The answer lies in a combination of acceptance and action, and here are three steps to get you there.   Step 1: Allow yourself to be upset.   When things don&amp;#039;t work out as you thought they would\u2014whether it&amp;#039;s not having the job you envisioned, a relationship breaking up, or an unsupportive parent\u2014it&amp;#039;s truly a loss, and you&amp;#039;ll experience all the emotions associated with it. Friends and family may pressure you to &amp;quot;just get over it,&amp;quot; but acknowledging and sitting with your feelings is an important step that will help you eventually move on. So allow yourself some time to be sad, disappointed and/or angry. You may even find it helpful to set a deadline; after that point, make an effort to get past the disappointment.   Step 2: Rewrite negative thoughts.   It&amp;#039;s absolutely normal to have those sweeping, general negative thoughts like I&amp;#039;m a failure, but you want to try to &amp;quot;rewrite&amp;quot; them so you can regain your confidence. Doing this takes a combination of self-acceptance and a willingness to expand the scope of your expectations. Instead of focusing on what hasn&amp;#039;t happened and what you haven&amp;#039;t achieved, think of all the things that have gone as you had hoped and what you have accomplished in the other parts of your life.   Another helpful thing to do is to write down your negative thoughts, and for each one, write a positive thought. Perhaps your career or your marriage hasn&amp;#039;t been as fulfilling as you&amp;#039;d hoped, but you&amp;#039;re a great artist or a dedicated volunteer at your local hospital. Pulling back and focusing on simple things that you enjoy, like spending time with friends, reading books or gardening, can also help you feel more positive, reframe your priorities and distract you from your disappointment.   Step 3: Regroup and make a plan of action.   This involves setting smaller, doable goals, which will give you a sense of control over your situation and help build your confidence. Write down your new goal(s) and specific steps you can take to meet them; aim to check off one step per week. If you&amp;#039;re hoping to switch jobs or make new friends, your first goal might be as simple as joining a networking group or book club. Often just connecting with others who are in a similar situation is enough to make you feel like you&amp;#039;re moving in the right direction.   Life often doesn&amp;#039;t go as planned. The key is to continually reassess our expectations so we learn to appreciate what we can\u2014and do\u2014accomplish.   Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital and a TODAY show contributor. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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