<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" \u2022 One side will have a series of plastic teeth allowing you to comb your hair.  \u2022 Rear spoiler. \u2022 Instead of being 9.6-by-7.5 inches, it&amp;#039;s going to be 4.5-by-2.4 inches and come with telephone capabilities.  \u2022 Pre-drilled sex hole.  \u2022 Comes with its own protective scarf and a shirt that is one size too small. \u2022 First major software update will finally open up direct portal into John Malkovich&amp;#039;s head. \u2022 Supports USB, FireWire, Thunderbolt, VGA, and Cold War-era Soviet knobs. \u2022 The inside of every case will be personally signed by the floor manager of the Shenzhen factory where it&amp;#039;s made.  \u2022 A backwards-facing screen, to be able to teleconference with somebody directly in front of you. \u2022 Preloaded with a thesaurus for the word &amp;quot;amazing.&amp;quot; \u2022 Ditto &amp;quot;magic.&amp;quot; \u2022 Language support for Aramaic. \u2022 Lanyard. \u2022 While in sleep mode, it dreams.  \u2022 A new, scratch-resistant, glare-resistant, waterproof, bulletproof screen. So other people can&amp;#039;t intrude on your work, it&amp;#039;s also completely opaque. \u2022 Makes a single, deliberate, ever-satisfying &amp;quot;honk&amp;quot; when you close it. \u2022 Kickstand. \u2022 Writes in space. PLUS: Alternative Uses for the iPad &amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;gt; UPDATE: Xoom vs. iPad 2 (at the Old-Folks Home!)  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a9482/ipad-3-rumors-5324987/>