<http://schema.org/articleBody>
"FacebookPinterest\n\n1. Halls of Fame. I've noted this before, but outside of the media industry, there isn't an enterprise in the universe with more inflated sense of itself than your favorite sport's Hall of Fame. You're talking about various sportswriters and fans and BaylessBot 6000s all breathlessly debating who and who should not get a plaque in a rural museum, a plaque your kid will probably try to wipe a booger on. A Hall of Fame induction means precisely nothing to anyone except the inducted player and his fragile little ego. It's an ESPY award in nicer packaging--an achievement virtually insignificant compared to things achieved on the field--and the only reason sports fans like to argue over Halls of Fame is because A) They love their favorite players and B) Sports fans love nothing more than seeing their armchair opinions validated. I'm as guilty as anyone in this. When Cris Carter didn't make the Football Hall of Fame on the first go round, I acted as if the committee had burned a children's hospital to the ground. I got caught up in the stupidity because I was bored.\n\nThe truth is that they should just let everyone in. Let them all in and let people who to go the Hall see the fullest history of the sport possible, and let them decide for themselves which players stoke their fondest memories and which should be shunned. As of right now, the gatekeepers of the Baseball Hall of Fame base their criteria on an inconsistent mix of stats, clutchiness, memorableness, integrity, chumminess, and God knows what else. No two voting recipes are alike, but somehow these places have authority over the history of a sport? That's dumb. Let everyone in, and if you want to admire Jack Morris' plaque or spit on it, you're free to. Nothing you see inside a Hall of Fame will ever compare to your own memories, your own experience of being there at that one game and seeing that one guy and feeling like you--YES YOU!--had just witnessed greatness in action. That feeling is yours to keep forever, and you don't need some podunk tourist trap to validate it.\n\n2. Vomiting toddlers. My one-year-old started vomiting in the middle of the night (it's always in the middle of the night) and the worst thing about a vomiting toddler is that it understands NOTHING about what's happening. It doesn't understand what being sick means. It doesn't know why it's spewing out chunks of old Goldfish. It doesn't know why you're changing its bedsheet and forcing it to sleep on an old towel. Not only is the child sick, but the child is also highly confused and terrified. OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MY BODY? They just scream and scream and scream and eventually you get so tired of changing the bedsheet that you begin to accept small amounts of vomit lurking in the dark room and let them stew in it to calm down. The vomit becomes the EASIEST part of the situation. And the best part is... it'll be YOU mouth-shitting two days from now. Being sick is fun!\n\n3. Marching bands. Unless you're a parent of a bandmember or you are Nick Cannon, there's not a soul alive that needs to hear a marching band play for any extended period of time. I think it's great that the band members all get to go to camp together and stick flutes in their pussies, but we have allowed major college marching bands to run amok and annoy crowds as they see fit for years now. The FSU marching band was intolerable on Monday Night. They played the Tomahawk Chop chant five thousand times every five minutes. (NOTE: low estimate.) If a dude showed up at the stadium in a seat next to you and blew this chant on a kazoo after every single play, you would have that man forcibly removed and/or killed, and no one would blame you. No marching band halftime show is watchable. No marching band version of \"Thrift Shop\" is ever worth hearing. Just dot the I in OHIO and please leave the field and the stadium immediately. You are Chris Berman-ing this game with your fucking horns.\n\nDrew Magary is a GQ correspondent and a staff writer for Deadspin. Follow him on Twitter via @drewmagary and order his new book about fatherhood, Someone Could Get Hurt, at his website"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/make-it-stop-the-worst-of-the-week-of-11013>