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"FacebookPinterest\n\n I'm frequently asked questions about my Twitter account. Things such as: How did you get so many followers? What can I do to get popular on Twitter? Have you ever murdered a homeless person (I haven't, but that doesn't mean I won't)? This is your lucky day, because I am going to tell you how to be super popular with total strangers on the internet. It's very easy if you follow these simple steps...\n\n Don't be afraid to show some skin.\n\n Your profile picture, or \"avatar\" as many Twitter folks like to say, is how people will identify you. For the ladies, it's important to show your tits (minus the nipples, so that the Twitter police won't close your account). A lot of cleavage goes a long way in social networking. It lets people think you're super-sexual (even if you're a big ol' fatty living in middle America eating buckets of chicken like it's your job). Guys, you're going to want to take your shirt off, walk into the bathroom of your messy apartment, flex, and take a picture in the mirror. Nothing says \"I'm a manly man\" quite like standing in the room where you shit and showing the top of your underwear sticking out of your mesh workout shorts while your moldy shower curtain hangs in the background.\n\n Selecting your Twitter name.\n\n Much like your picture, your @ name lets your followers know what kind of person you think you are. Using your actual first and last name is a no-no. Who gives a shit what your parents named you? Nobody, that's who. Come up with something sexy and unique like @DickStuffins or @CumBasket. That way people will know you're DTF 24/7. Because on Twitter, if people don't think you're bone-able, you're gonna be all alone, just like that boy from your high school with the lazy eye, or the girl in your fifth-grade class with lice and a brown tooth.\n\n Whom to follow?\n\n The people you follow really tell what kind of person you are. You're gonna want to follow porn stars, Maxim magazine, Vince Neil, Kim Kardashian (see: porn stars), Chad Ochocinco, Miracle Whip, Perez Hilton, Banana Boat, Dali Lama (so people will think you're deep), The Rock, MensHumor (they steal really funny people's tweets, so you don't have to bother following actual funny people), Dane Cook, Kid Rock, Joel Osteen, Burger King, Wet Seal, Jose Canseco, Pantene, Best Western, 50 Cent, Southwest Airlines, Melanie Griffith, Barack Obama, Frank Stallone, Toby Keith, Senor Frogs, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and so on.\n\n What to tweet?\n\n Keep it sassy and sexual. Nothing is off-limits. Ladies should tweet about giving blowjobs, handjobs, buttjobs, facejobs, and occasionally talk about your child and how late his or her father is with child support payments. Always refer to people as \"bitches,\" because it's imperative that you let your followers know how useless and lousy they are. Tweet about drinking, how much you drank, what you drank, how shit-faced you like to get, and how badass everyone at your local bar thinks you are. Tweet about sports. Call out players for having a bad game. Tell the players what play they should have run, or what you would have done in their situation, even though you are an awful athlete. Then, quote rap songs.\n\n How often to tweet?\n\n All. The. Time. Non-stop tweeting. Remember, you are awesome and your constant tweeting, filling up people's timelines with every single thought, is exactly what internet folks want. It's perfectly okay to tweet things like \"Ugh.\" and \"LOL.\" Your followers will love reading these quick, three-letter tweets. Having trouble sleeping? Tweet, \"Can't sleep.\" That shit will kill! Tweet about a boyfriend or girlfriend without naming names. Passive-aggressive tweets, like \"I'm so over you\" or \"Good luck stupid\" will let your followers know you are unafraid of confrontation with a person who will never read your tweets. It's a real power move.\n\n By following these easy instructions, you will become a true superstar among people surfing the Internet when they should be working. You're welcome.\n\n Jenny Johnson calls herself a comedy writer. She lives in Houston, Texas with her husband and two dogs, and hates mayonnaise. Follow Jenny on Twitter at @JennyJohnsonHi5"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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