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" Josh Ozersky is a James Beard Award-winning food writer, B-list food personality, and noted polymath and deviant. The founder of Meatopia, he will answer all your questions on meat, food, food writing, relationships, restaurants, or cooking. He is also available for private tutorials. Of all the houses of Westeros, who would you say probably has the best food? I am speaking of the major houses, not cadet branches like the Karstarks.Josh Ozersky, New York City  I mean, this is obviously the Lannisters. They are the richest, the most depraved, and the most sensual. So let&amp;#039;s set them aside. You have to figure that House Greyjoy has seafood all locked up; nobody who worships the Drowned God and has the kraken as their house sigil is likely to be eating day-old fish. House Stark is too far north, and too steeped in barbarous ascetiscim, to consider gourmandism anything but a frivolous and decadent pursuit. So they are out. House Tyrell has the richest land, but they are boring, so I assume they eat boring food. The only real rival for the Lannisters has to be House Martell, the hereditary rulers of Dorne, whose hot, arid climate produces Westeros&amp;#039; best wine and a spicy, vivid cuisine typical of tropical regions. So I guess it depends on your taste. Being a meat eater and barbecue enthusiast, I would lean toward House Targaryean (&amp;quot;Blood and Fire&amp;quot;) or House Frey (&amp;quot;Flayed Men Keep No Secrets.&amp;quot;). I hope this answers your question.  Thoughts on scrapple, is it meat?Cathy Van Duyne, Ventnor, NJ I&amp;#039;ll go so far as to say that scrapple is actually meatier than actual meat. So, no. But anytime you get to eat pork liver, hearts, and head meat, cooked down in pork broth with cornmeal, and then sliced up to fry in bacon or sausage fat, you are getting into pork hyperspeed. So, no complaints there.  I live in a culinary suburban wasteland, my bacon and breakfast meat choices are limited to mainstream, mass-market choices (products from Hormel, Cargill,etc.), therefore what can I do maximize the flavor and enjoyment of my breakfast meats via product selection, preparation methods, or dishes to incorporate them into? Raymond McCormick, Palmdale, CA The open secret of breakfast meats, Raymond, is that even the bad ones are good. They are evil, but good. The cooking does matter a lot though. Bacon should always be cooked in a 375-degree oven on a cookie sheet, guaranteeing even cooking and the exact degree of crispness you are looking for. (I prefer it to be noticeably firm but not brittle.) Incorporating the bacon is easy, since you have so much hot, tasty bacon grease to cook with afterwards. But if you want to take the whole integrated-bacon thing to the next level, you will have to cook The Bev Egg. Seeing more side pork in better butcher shops. It&amp;#039;s awesome \u2014 more like English rashers (without the loin bit). An explanation of American (streaky), Canadian, and English rashers would be awesome. Patrick Duggan, Location Witheld I hate to be the one to tell you, Patrick but side pork is just another name for pork belly. But to answer your larger question,none of those things you mention are bacon. Bacon is defined by ambient curing and long immersion in hickory fumes. The cut hardly matters at all, as long as it has plenty of fat.  How have we allowed corned beef hash to be marginalized as an option when it can be so truly sublime?Matt Fisher, Gowanus, NY It wouldn&amp;#039;t happen if 99 percent of the corned beef hash served in the world didn&amp;#039;t come from a can. Canned corned beef hash is so bad that even I never want it. It has the consistency of cat food and is almost impossible to brown. But corned beef cut up very fine by hand, and mixed up with peppers and onions and boiled salted potatoes, smashed up and mixed in, is a fine thing indeed, especially when cooked in rendered beef kidney suet. But then, everything is good when cooked in rendered beef kidney suet.  The bacon on the cheddar burger from Frites &amp;#039;n&amp;#039; Meats is by far the best bacon I&amp;#039;ve ever had.Deborah Fenker, New York City OK. Who was Jimmy Dean?Stefanie Cohen, Winter Park, FL This is a common question I am asked actually, since the author of America&amp;#039;s most beloved bulk breakfast sausage is too often confused with breakout gay porn star James Deen and doomed, brooding movie actor James Dean. Jimmy Dean was a popular country singer who lent his name to an obscure sausage manufacturer for marketing purposes. By the way, in calling Jimmy Dean America&amp;#039;s most beloved bulk breakfast sausage, I have chosen sides in the never-ending war between him and Bob Evans. But a man has to plant his flag sometime. Waddup with Hawaii&amp;#039;s fascination with Spam? An evolutionary quirk or are they just ahead of the salt &amp;amp;amp; pig parts love curve?BBQ Guy, Boston I would hate to offend Hawaiians, or any Pacific islanders, by bringing up the myth that, as former cannibals, they found in Spam a flavor not unlike that of their beloved &amp;quot;long pig,&amp;quot; i.e. people. That only happened in Kawai, I think. In Maui and Honolulu, the love of Spam derives from a cargo cult that worshiped a can washed up during World War II. Just wondering \u2014 do you pay royalties to the Deadspin food guy, or is it a straight-up licensing agreement? You answer man column is a total ripoff. Joe Gilette, Brooklyn I wish! Maybe he would send me some of those great questions! But actually, no, I am not ripping off Foodspin, which is the feature you are talking about. I like it a lot, and even wrote its author, Albert Burneko, to tell him so, but he never wrote me back. :( But in my own defense, I have been in the mock-grandiloquent food advice business for quite a few years now, and have the tired jokes to prove it. Next question? Is there ever a time-place where its ok to cook or eat mock duck? Andrew Zimmern, Minnesota, Minneapolis.  I actually like mock duck, Andrew. Done well, it looks and tastes like duck, which makes no sense whatsoever. The gluten intolerant shold avoid it like the plague, though, as it is composed entirely of that material. You know what&amp;#039;s even more amazing? Mock char siu. KFM: Giada, Nigella, and Sandra Lee? Daniel Rosenberg, Arlington, MA Is that a joke? F Giada, M Nigella, and K Sandra Lee. Obviously. A more challenging one would be a jailhouse version featuring Todd English, Guy Fieri, and Andrew Zimmern. (KFM.) While we are on the subject of KFM, my friend &amp;quot;Viking&amp;quot; Dave Pederson and I once killed an entire Boston-to-New York drive with this depraved game. It got to the point that we were debating an all-evil clown edition of Pennywise, The Violator, and John Wayne Gacy. Once you start in with KFM, it&amp;#039;s hard to stop. I try to dress well, like your hero Tony Soprano, and am by no means a messy eater, but somehow all my shirts seem to get small, odd-shaped grease stains on them when I take them off. I&amp;#039;ve seen older men sometimes tuck a napkin into their shirt, but that looks stupid, and unless you are at Red Lobster, bibs do, too. Any suggestions?Alex Pachetti, Rome I actually have been actively campaigning for years to bring back the bib, Alex. Why not? It&amp;#039;s not any dumber than those ridiculous tiny suits with flood pants. But I defer on this subject, as with all things fashion-related, to Esquire style expert Nick Sullivan. By the way, Tony Soprano is not my hero. Jim Steinman is. &amp;quot;There are two types of napkin tuckers,&amp;quot; Nick writes. &amp;quot;New England lobster eaters and Global Captains of Industry. The former just know they are messy eaters and that theres no way to enjoy lobster without making as much mess as possible. The latter spent $5,000 on their suit and probably $300 on their tie and are not going to let a droplet of Cream of Tomato soup be the undoing of their afternoon. In between is the rest of us taking our chances.&amp;quot; Where do you stand on chicken and waffles?  David Burko, Los Angeles, CA I&amp;#039;m against them, I think. I know I should love chicken and waffles, because of my lifelong love of both dishes, but they don&amp;#039;t make any sense together. Waffles need maple syrup, and chicken needs either pan gravy or nothing at all. The use of honey on fried chicken always struck me as a cheap dodge, a prophylactic to prevent people from noticing that they are eating shitty fried chicken. If fried chicken is great, why would you cover it up? It would be like Kat Dennings in a sports bra. I just got a very expensive juicer as a wedding present. What should I do with it?Tracy Benson, Shirley, MA Put it away and never look at it again. Do you really think that pork that is &amp;quot;small farm&amp;quot; is any better for pigs? They still live in slop, eat garbage, and are brutally killed when they are practically babies. You wouldn&amp;#039;t treat your dog like that. I appreciate that you take animal rights seriously, but you are a hypocrite when you pretend factory farming is the problem. Meat is the problem. It&amp;#039;s been scientifically proven that you can get all the protein you needs from sources that aren&amp;#039;t conscious, and don&amp;#039;t feel pain. &amp;quot;Small farm&amp;quot; is bullshit.Daria Halperin, Gainsville, FL Your point is pretty much unanswerable, Daria. But I have to eat to pork, right? I mean, what am I supposed to do? At least the small farm pigs see the sunlight. This is depressing. Can we stop thinking about it now?  Have a question? Write askeatlikeaman@esquire.com. I try to answer every question or comment that is sent to me, although it may take a week or two to get to it. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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