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"  1. Do I have to buy a gift? I barely know these people. Are there just, like, expensive plates on their registry? Expensive plates sound like a wedding gift an adult man would purchase. 2. Does this mean we&amp;amp;#146;re an official couple now? I can&amp;amp;#146;t tell if you&amp;amp;#146;re only inviting me because you&amp;amp;#146;re embarrassed not to have a date, or if those three times we got drunk and hooked up mean we&amp;amp;#146;re on the fast-track to starting a family. 3. Will there be an open bar? This is mandatory. 4. Will any of your friends that I&amp;amp;#146;ve met twice be there? I need at least one or two people I can talk to for five minutes while you&amp;amp;#146;re in the bathroom. There&amp;amp;#146;s your one friend, I forget her name, and the other one, the one with the teeth. I know them. Are they going to be there? 5. I need a suit. I want one like Daniel Craig as James Bond would wear. Wait, they cost that much? 6. I need a suit. I want one like Daniel Craig as James Bond would wear if he shopped at Target and didn&amp;amp;#146;t get it tailored. Wait, they cost that much? 7. I need a suit. I want one like Daniel Craig as James Bond would wear if he borrowed one of his dad&amp;amp;#146;s suits. 8. Do we have to dance? I&amp;amp;#146;m not saying I won&amp;amp;#146;t dance, I just don&amp;amp;#146;t want to do that thing all couples at weddings do where the woman comes over and goes, &amp;amp;#147;I love this song! Please dance with me!&amp;amp;#148; and grabs the guy&amp;#039;s hands and tries to pull him out of his seat, and he&amp;amp;#146;s making a big show out of not wanting to get up and dance, and finally turns to the table and is like, &amp;amp;#147;I gotta make her happy, right?&amp;amp;#148; as he lets her pull him to the dance floor. I don&amp;amp;#146;t want to do that. 9. Oh, wow. You look really good in that dress. I don&amp;#039;t mean you don&amp;amp;#146;t normally look good, I just usually see you under hazy fluorescent bar lights. This is, you know, daytime. You look really pretty is all. Stop looking at me like that. 10. These vows are so long and I don&amp;amp;#146;t understand any of the jokes. Can you nudge me when I&amp;amp;#146;m supposed to laugh at something I&amp;amp;#146;d only understand if I knew the couple? 11. Can you tell I&amp;amp;#146;m playing Solitaire on my phone right now or does it just look like I&amp;amp;#146;m staring at my penis? OK, OK. Fine. I&amp;amp;#146;ll stop and pretend to pay attention. 12. I&amp;amp;#146;m sorry, but how can I not laugh when they say, &amp;amp;#147;You are the key to my heart locket,&amp;amp;#148; during their vows? Don&amp;amp;#146;t look at me, you&amp;amp;#146;re only making it worse. 13. How are you going to introduce me to people? I just don&amp;amp;#146;t want to get broadsided by a label when you&amp;amp;#146;re casually chatting with Uncle Droopy Face and Aunt Bug Eyes over there. But also, &amp;quot;This is my friend, Frank,&amp;quot; is weird? &amp;quot;This is my friend with benefits.&amp;quot; Perfect. 14. Oh, great, another old couple asked us when we&amp;amp;#146;re getting married. I&amp;amp;#146;m serious, next time someone does that I&amp;amp;#146;m responding with, &amp;amp;#147;After you&amp;amp;#146;re dead.&amp;amp;#148; 15. *Silent staring* You went to the bathroom, and I&amp;amp;#146;ve already made small talk with everyone around me. *Sips wine* 16. If you catch the bouquet, does it, um, mean something? You seem to be taking this game very seriously. 17. Am I the asshole who shows he&amp;#039;s an awful dancer, or the asshole who sulks at the table while everyone else is doing the electric slide? This is lose/lose. Ok, fine, I&amp;amp;#146;ll dance with you. 18. LET GO OF MY ARM, I AM GOING TO ASK THE DJ TO PLAY &amp;amp;#147;MONSTER MASH.&amp;amp;#148; Never/always a bad idea. But three glasses of pinot in a place where I don&amp;#039;t know anyone to shame me ... Yeah, I&amp;#039;m going to request every song I know. 19. We should get married. It&amp;amp;#146;s not the whiskey and adrenaline from dancing as hard as I could to Nicki Minaj talking, it&amp;#039;s my heart. It&amp;#039;s my heart talking to you and telling you that I want to have a wedding like this. And I want to look pretty, like the bride looks pretty. I want to have a pretty wedding. OK, yeah, I&amp;amp;#146;ll sleep it off on the car ride home. Just don&amp;amp;#146;t let me throw up on my dad&amp;amp;#146;s suit. I love you. Related 18 Signs You&amp;#039;re With the Man You Should Marry Follow Frank on Twitter.  Photo credit: Fox "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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