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"  office slampiece (sLAM - peece) v. 1. A female human from the wild placed in captivity in order to serve the sexual needs of banker bros. 2. A woman who ceases to exist when she is not a) being fornicated with or b) being lured into fornication. [Middle English derived from Latin pislamen (translation of Greek slonompa)] Handy context available in this leaked email from a trust fund frat bro seeking to start a hedge fund: &amp;quot;We will hire hot slampieces we can slam during work hours.&amp;quot; You are probably asking yourself, &amp;quot;Self? How do I hire a slampiece I can slam during work hours with my penis that is definitely not small. Also, what is sex? Help me.&amp;quot; Luckily, you have come to the right place. Here is how to land a slampiece for your office in a few easy steps. Interview: She will sit down across from you at Starbucks in a business casual outfit and hand you her resume. Her hair is shiny and looks like it smells good. Say, &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re hired.&amp;quot; She will look confused. &amp;quot;But you didn&amp;#039;t even look at my...&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Haha, you&amp;#039;re good. Welcome aboard. Shots? On me.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Um... we&amp;#039;re in Starbucks. So...&amp;quot; If you did look at her resume, you would find that she graduated summa cum laude, interned at a major hedge fund, won a national student leadership award in undergrad and volunteers at a soup kitchen. Her hair is not mentioned. Attempt to smell it on your way out by pretending your shoe is untied. Week 1: During her first week, invite her to smoke Cuban cigars with you on the roof. &amp;quot;These are imported. Illegal, actually.&amp;quot; Chuckle as if you are a mysterious stranger with dark secrets and an almost uncomfortably large penis. Add: &amp;quot;I have connections.&amp;quot; This will impress her even more. &amp;quot;Um, I don&amp;#039;t smoke,&amp;quot; she will say, looking vaguely uncomfortable. &amp;quot;Also, I should probably get started, right? I mean...&amp;quot; Respond: &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t worry. We&amp;#039;re gonna work you hard. Ask my last girlfriend, heh heh heh.&amp;quot; Stare blatantly at her breasts. She will return to her desk completely awed by your potent masculine urges. She will not ever guess that you have a tiny penis. Week 2: &amp;quot;Here you go,&amp;quot; she says as she places a box of Miller High Lifes on your desk, and brushes off her slacks. &amp;quot;Haha, sorry, it was dusty.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re dusty,&amp;quot; respond flirtatiously.  Again, she will look confused. &amp;quot;Okay,&amp;quot; she will say. &amp;quot;You want one?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Um, it&amp;#039;s like, 11. Also, I&amp;#039;m going for lunch with my boyfriend.&amp;quot; She will slightly emphasize &amp;quot;boyfriend&amp;quot; and look at you to make sure you&amp;#039;re listening. That is because she&amp;#039;s terrified of succumbing your magnetic sexuality. Like, you basically have her at this point, just seal the deal. You know what I&amp;#039;m saying? Week 3: Make your move at the CEOs and Corporate Hos-themed office Halloween party. You are wearing your sharpest suit. She arrives in a full-body white sheet. You attempt to lift it up. She jerks away. &amp;quot;I am a ghost.&amp;quot; she says, holding her sheets tightly around her. Yep. You are all good. Now go for it. &amp;quot;Want to go upstairs to my private room?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I have a boyfriend,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Also, I&amp;#039;ve been trying not to let it get to me, but ever since I started here, you&amp;#039;ve been totally inappropriate. &amp;quot;You can consider this my two weeks.&amp;quot; She&amp;#039;s in love with you but she&amp;#039;s a total prude, bro. Move on to the next! HIGH FIVE. Follow Anna on Twitter.   Image via NBC "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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